[{"questionTitle": "What is a panic attack?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Panic attacks come on suddenly and involve intense and often overwhelming fear. Theyre accompanied by very challenging physical symptoms, like a racing heartbeat, shortness of breath, or nausea. Unexpected panic attacks occur without an obvious cause. Expected panic attacks are cued by external stressors, like phobias. Panic attacks can happen to anyone, but having more than one may be a sign of panic disorder, a mental health condition characterized by sudden and repeated panic attacks."}, {"questionTitle": "What are symptoms of panic attack vs. anxiety attack?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Panic and anxiety attacks may feel similar, and they share a lot of emotional and physical symptoms. You can experience both an anxiety and a panic attack at the same time. For instance, you might experience anxiety while worrying about a potentially stressful situation, like an important presentation at work. When the situation arrives, anxiety may culminate in a panic attack. A panic attack or anxiety attack can both cause physical and emotional symptoms, including - apprehension and worry - distress - fear of dying or losing control - a sense of detachment from the world (derealization) or oneself (depersonalization) - heart palpitations or an accelerated heart rate - chest pain - shortness of breath - tightness in the throat or feeling like youre choking - dry mouth - sweating - chills or hot flashes - trembling or shaking - numbness or tingling (paresthesia) - nausea, abdominal pain, or upset stomach - headache - feeling faint or dizzy"}, {"questionTitle": "What are the types of Mental Illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There are many different conditions that are recognized as mental illnesses. The more common types include Anxiety disorders People with anxiety disorders respond to certain objects or situations with fear and dread, as well as with physical signs of anxiety or panic, such as a rapid heartbeat and sweating. An anxiety disorder is diagnosed if the person's response is not appropriate for the situation, if the person cannot control the response, or if the anxiety interferes with normal functioning. Mood disorders These disorders, also called affective disorders, involve persistent feelings of sadness or periods of feeling overly happy, or fluctuations from extreme happiness to extreme sadness. Psychotic disorders Psychotic disorders involve distorted awareness and thinking. Two of the most common symptoms of psychotic disorders are hallucinations and delusions. Schizophrenia is an example of a psychotic disorder. Eating disorders Eating disorders involve extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors involving weight and food. Personality disorders People with personality disorders have extreme and inflexible personality traits that are distressing to the person and/or cause problems in work, school, or social relationships. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) People with OCD are plagued by constant thoughts or fears that cause them to perform certain rituals or routines. An example is a person with an unreasonable fear of germs who constantly washes their hands. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) PTSD is a condition that can develop following a traumatic and/or terrifying event, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, or a natural disaster."}, {"questionTitle": "What does mental-illness mean?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental illness is a group of biological brain disorders that affect a persons thinking, mood, emotions, sense of reality, ability to relate and daily functioning. Common disorders are anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder etc. People of all ages are susceptible but adolescents & young adults are especially vulnerable."}, {"questionTitle": "How can you treat mental illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "As these illnesses are biologically based brain disorders, a regimen of medication and therapy is needed. There is a misconception that mental illnesses such as depression, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) can be snapped out of or overcome by willpower, which is false and breeds a hostile atmosphere. Treatment incudes 3 main facets medication, therapy & support. There are several types of medication being produced to combat mental-illness, the aim of which is to reduce social symptoms and help bring about daily functioning. Therapy with a clinically trained psychologist helps understand your disease better and equips you with the tools you need to deal with the disease. Support of family, friends & community helps the patient feel less isolated & gives them a platform for open communication. Feeling like a part of a community helps the patient ground themselves"}, {"questionTitle": "Are patients with schizophrenia violent?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Due to incorrect representation of the disease in media & books, there is a myth that schizophrenics are violent. The truth is most schizophrenics are docile and keep to themselves. The schizophrenics who have demonstrated bursts of violence are either in an acute stage of psychosis or are abusing an addictive substance."}, {"questionTitle": "How to manage stress?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Stress exhibits differently in different people. While some hide their feelings, other turn to alcohol and drugs. Some withdraw from the world whereas some are angry all the time, lashing out at close ones. The common factor with all these people is that they are under stress and are not able to manage it. Managing stress can be done the following ways 1. Talk it out Find a mental health professional and start talking about your day to day life. Talking it out helps reduce the mental worry one carries with them. Talking to a professional helps you understand your mechanisms and how to deal better with them. 2. Exercise Be it the gym or just a run, doing a cardio activity leads to better stress levels 3. Meditation 4. Breathing exercises 5. Choose an activity of your liking 6. Write a journal"}, {"questionTitle": "My family has no history of mental illness. Does that mean I am immune?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "While family history plays a large role in developing mental illness, it is not the only factor. There are environmental and psychosocial factors that add to the risk factors. No one is immune from developing mental health illness."}, {"questionTitle": "Do children have mental health issues?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Children may develop mental health illnesses. Their symptoms differ from adults 1. Changes in school performance 2. Poor grades despite effort 3. Hyper activity 4. Consistent, recurring nightmares 5. Aggressive behaviour 6. Frequent, unmanageable temper tantrums"}, {"questionTitle": "What are the side effects of medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Like other medication, psychiatric medication has its own set of side effects like Drowsiness, Restlessness, Dizziness, Dry mouth, Constipation, Nausea, and Vomiting. It is usually because of the body getting used to medication. It normally takes a month for the body to get used to these drugs. If you are feeling any of the above symptoms, call your doctor immediately."}, {"questionTitle": "Are there cures for mental health problems?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It is often more realistic and helpful to find out what helps with the issues you face. Talking, counselling, medication, friendships, exercise, good sleep and nutrition, and meaningful occupation can all help."}, {"questionTitle": "What causes mental health problems?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Challenges or problems with your mental health can arise from psychological, biological, and social, issues, as well as life events."}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do if Im worried about my mental health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The most important thing is to talk to someone you trust. This might be a friend, colleague, family member, or GP. In addition to talking to someone, it may be useful to find out more information about what you are experiencing. These things may help to get some perspective on what you are experiencing, and be the start of getting help."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if Im unwell?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If your beliefs , thoughts , feelings or behaviours have a significant impact on your ability to function in what might be considered a normal or ordinary way, it would be important to seek help."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do if Im worried about a friend or relative?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "This may depend on your relationship with them. Gently encouraging someone to seek appropriate support would be helpful to start with."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with someone telling me what to do?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Some people may advise you on good evidence of what works with the best of intentions, but its important to find out what works best for you."}, {"questionTitle": "Can you prevent mental health problems?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "We can all suffer from mental health challenges, but developing our wellbeing, resilience, and seeking help early can help prevent challenges becoming serious."}, {"questionTitle": "What is substance abuse?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Substance abuse can simply be defined as a pattern of harmful use of any substance for mood-altering purposes. Medline's medical encyclopedia defines drug abuse as \"the use of illicit drugs or the abuse of prescription or over-the-counter drugs for purposes other than those for which they are indicated or in a manner or in quantities other than directed."}, {"questionTitle": "Can someone visit an addiction mental health specialist for a relative?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The family's role in identifying an addiction and in motivating the client to seek treatment is often essential. Their role continues throughout the treatment and recovery phase. If the client is very resistant to suggestions of seeing a specialist, a consultation can be offered to concerned relatives, in order to help them develop a better understanding of the situation and explore measures that can be implemented until the client is ready to engage with professionals."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I quit smoking on my own?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Yes, it is possible to stop smoking on your own. However, some persons might need medications, counseling or combined medication and counseling. This will help them cope better with withdrawal symptoms, handling the stress and coping with difficult situations."}, {"questionTitle": "How much alcohol is considered too much?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Moderate alcohol consumption is defined as having up to 1 drink per day for women and up to 2 drinks per day for men. For men, heavy drinking is defined as consuming 15 drinks or more per week. For women, heavy drinking is typically defined as consuming 8 drinks or more per week."}, {"questionTitle": "Can addictions be cured?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Many clients who currently suffer from one type of addiction or another will permanently recover, either spontaneously or with the support of a service such as ours. Others will experience relapses and hurdles over months and possibly years. Many options might need to be considered from harm reduction to residential rehabilitation in Lebanon or abroad. This is why we consider building a strong therapeutic relationship build on mutual trust and openness a cornerstone of our treatment. Strict confidentiality is respected and sharing of information takes place in the interest of the client and with his consent."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal for an older person living alone to be depressed?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It is not normal for an older person living alone, retired, or away from his/her children to feel depressed. In fact, depression in elderly people can often go untreated because many people think that depression is a normal part of aging and a natural reaction to chronic illness, loss and retirement. Many elderly people and their families also do not recognize the symptoms of depression so it can go unnoticed. According to studies done by IDRAAC, 8.6% of Lebanese older adults are depressed and females are twice more likely to develop depression than males."}, {"questionTitle": "Is psychotherapy a substitute for medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Psychotherapy in some cases can be sufficient for the treatment of certain mental conditions. However, it may be needed in conjunction with medication. This is why in several cases, it is not considered as a substitute for medication."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do if I know someone who appears to have all of the symptoms of a serious mental disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If you know someone who is having symptoms of a mental disorder, do not just think that they will snap out of it. Notify a family member, a mental health professional, a counselor if you think a friend or family member has symptoms of a mental disorder."}, {"questionTitle": "What are some of the warning signs of mental illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Symptoms of mental disorders vary depending on the type and severity of the condition. Some general symptoms that may suggest a mental illness include Problems in concentration Long-lasting sadness or irritability Recurrent changes in energy Extremely high and low moods Excessive fear, worry, or anxiety Social withdrawal Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits Strong feelings of anger Delusions or hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not really there) Increasing inability to cope with daily problems and activities Suicidal thoughts Many unexplained physical problems Confused thinking Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol"}, {"questionTitle": "How common are mental illnesses?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental illnesses are very common. In fact according to studies done by IDRAAC, 1 out 4 Lebanese adults is at risk of developing a mental disorder before the age of 75"}, {"questionTitle": "Once someone has had a mental illness can they ever get better again?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "According to the disorder, treatment can help the client in getting better and in some cases, full recovery can be achieved through adequate treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "What Psychological Factors Contribute to Mental Illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Psychological factors that may contribute to mental illness include specific vulnerabilities such as personality traits, particular extremes in temperament features, specific sensitivities to negative emotions, cognitive susceptibility, dysfunctional attitudes, hopelessness, negative distortions."}, {"questionTitle": "What Environmental Factors Contribute to Mental Illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Certain triggering factors could be significant stressors precipitating a mental illness such as 1. Losses experiences (physical loss after a trauma, loss of significant others, separation, etc 2. Chronic threats 3. Long-term exposure to traumatic conditions 4. Harmful family dynamic 5. Living in extreme deprivation and poverty 6. Alcohol and substance misuse 7. Severe neglect 8. War, natural disasters, accidents, etc 9. Chronic pain and incapacitating chronic illness 10. Social discrimination for example towards minorities"}, {"questionTitle": "Can people get over mental illness without medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Health care professionals have differing opinions on the effectiveness of medication to treat mental illness. Mental illness is a medical illness. A person does not simply \"get over\" mental illness without some form of treatment. Mental illness is generally a lifelong, chronic medical illness that needs consistent treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "Can people stabilize a mental illness simply with medication alone?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Though medications can often aid in the treatment of mental illness, it is unlikely that taking medication as the sole form of treatment will be effective in \"getting over\" or stabilizing one's mental illness. Professionals generally recommend therapy along with medications to manage mental illness most effectively. People who suffer the mental illness of severe depression may put pressure on themselves to just \"get over\" return to active participation again, but like other mental illnesses, it takes therapy and sometimes medication to stabilize."}, {"questionTitle": "Why does someone with mental illness need to have a routine?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental illness can often disrupt a person's life by hindering that person's ability to focus on and complete tasks that they otherwise would be able to complete. Establishing a productive daily routine can help to normalize that person's daily life and having a routine most often contributes to increased life satisfaction that comes with personal accomplishment (in the human population as a whole, not just those living with mental illness)."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do some people choose to just take meds and no therapy, is that safe?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The decision to take prescription medication is one that every individual must make for his or herself. Some people do not feel comfortable divulging information to doctors or others living with mental illness in a therapy environment so they choose to rely solely on medication to combat the disturbances in their lives caused by mental illness. The question of whether it is safe to take prescription medication without partaking in therapy can best be answered by stating that it might be less effective to take medication without the benefit of therapy, but it does not seem to have been proven to be unsafe."}, {"questionTitle": "Does exercising help control mental illness just by itself?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "By itself, exercise is unlikely to control many types of mental illness. Many health care professionals think that physical exercise has a positive effect on depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses, though all caution that more clinical research must be done on the subject. There does seem to be a large section of the medical community that believes physical exercise, in conjunction with therapy and prescription medication, is very beneficial to persons living with mental illnesses, as it is for all people."}, {"questionTitle": "Are there any ethnic/racial groups that more likely to have mental illnesses?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The types of mental illness and the percentage of the population with each illness is the same across cultures. Cultures vary in how mental illness is stigmatized, beliefs about the cause of mental illness, and response to different treatments. Mental Health professionals from many different fields differ in their opinions on this and related questions. One argument is that people with lower economic and social status (not ethnicity) are possibly more likely to develop mental illness due to the barriers to advancement implicit in those groups' social stature."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone acquire a mental illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Scientists are still studying how people become mentally ill, so we do not know as much as we would like about how a person develops a mental disorder. There may be genetic causes or inherited vulnerabilities, prenatal care injuries or difficulties, exposure to toxins, or other unknown sources. Poverty, homelessness, overcrowding, stressful living conditions, frequent exposure to violence, abusive parents or severe marital or relationship problems can contribute to the development of a mental illness."}, {"questionTitle": "Is mental illness a chronic disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Chronic is defined as, \"lasting for a long period of time or marked by frequent recurrence\" or \"of long duration; continuing.\" Many, if not most, mental illnesses could be categorized as chronic in that the individual living with a certain mental illness will never \"get over\" that illness. But this is not to say that many symptoms of various mental illnesses cannot be largely alleviated through treatment. If treated correctly, many mental illnesses will have a minimal impact on those living with them."}, {"questionTitle": "How many people a year commit suicide? Is it more than homicide?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "According to the American Association of Suicidology's report U.S.A. Suicide 2003 Official Final Data, 31,484 people committed suicide in that year. The number of suicides in that year was greater than the number of homicides. According to an estimate by the US Department of Justice's Bureau of Justice Statistics, there were 16,582 homicides in that year."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it true that more people in the world have died by suicide than by homicide?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Yes, more people have committed suicide. In a report from the year 2000, The World Health Organization stated that one person commits suicide every 40 seconds, that one person is murdered every 60 seconds, and that one person dies in armed combat every 120 seconds. In 2000, 815,000 to 1 million people took their own lives."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it true that nearly 90% of people who attempt or commit suicide have had some form of mental illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Yes, this statistic is cited by the National Institue of Mental Health on its website and is taken from Conwell Y, Brent D. Suicide and aging I patterns of psychiatric diagnosis. International Psychogeriatrics, 1995; 7(2) 149-64."}, {"questionTitle": "Where are the best resources for suicide prevention?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A good place to start looking for information about suicide prevention is at the Suicide Prevention Resource Center (SPRC) at www.sprc.org or by telephone at 877-438-7772. Another resource is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or by telephone at 800-273-8255. Also check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) at www.afsp.org or by telephone at 888-333-AFSP. There are many organizations dealing with issues surrounding suicide prevention. The above-listed organizations are a good starting point in your research on prevention."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is it so hard to get medical coverage for mental health issues", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There are several factors that make acquiring medical coverage for mental illness difficult. First, insurance companies often restrict benefits available to individuals with mental illness by placing greater limits on their use (i.e. by restricting the annual amount of inpatient and outpatient services covered) or by imposing greater cost sharing than for other medical needs. Second, many insurance companies refuse to cover illnesses or conditions they believe to be preexisting. Simply put, if you have had a diagnosed mental illness for many years, securing insurance could be difficult or very costly. Finally, insurance companies may feel that mental illness diagnoses are not accurate and therefore will refuse to pay for medical treatment associated with that illness."}, {"questionTitle": "Therapy and self-help are a waste of time. Why bother when you can just take a pill?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Treatment for mental health conditions vary depending on the individual and could include medication, therapy, or both. Many individuals do best when they work with a support system during the healing and recovery process."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I do anything for a person with a mental health issue?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Friends and loved ones can make a big difference. In 2020, only 20% of adults received any mental health treatment in the past year, which included 10% who received counselling or therapy from a professional. Friends and family can be important influences to help someone get the treatment and services they need by 1. Reaching out and letting them know you are available to help 2. Helping them access mental health services 3. Help them learn self-care and coping techniques 4. Learning and sharing facts about mental health, especially if you hear something that isn't true 5. Treating them with respect, just as you would anyone else 6. Refusing to define them by their diagnosis or using labels such as \"crazy\", instead use person-first language"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible to prevent a mental health condition?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Prevention of mental, emotional, and behavioural disorders focuses on addressing known risk factors, such as exposure to trauma, that can affect the chances that children, youth, and young adults will develop mental health conditions. Promoting a persons social-emotional well-being leads to 1. Higher overall productivity 2. Better educational outcomes 3. Lower crime rates 4. Stronger economies 5. Improved quality of life 6. Increased lifespan 7. Improved family life"}, {"questionTitle": "Where Can I Learn About Types Of Mental Health Treatment?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health conditions are often treated with medication, therapy or a combination of the two. However, there are many different types of treatment available, including Complementary & Alternative Treatments, self-help plans, and peer support. Treatments are very personal and should be discussed by the person with the mental health conditions and his or her team."}, {"questionTitle": "Where Can I Go To Find A Support Group?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Many people find peer support a helpful tool that can aid in their recovery. There are a variety of organizations that offer support groups for consumers, their family members and friends. Some support groups are peer-led, while others may be led by a mental health professional."}, {"questionTitle": "Is mental health genetic?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Genes, brain chemistry, and other biological traits can all impact mental health. A family history of mental health problems can also increase your risk of developing mental health problems. Other risk factors include difficult life experiences, like abuse or trauma, use of alcohol or recreational drugs, and serious injuries, among others."}, {"questionTitle": "How does mental health affect physical health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health and physical health go hand-in-hand. For example, physical exercise can improve your mood and reduce your anxiety, among many other benefits. Similarly, neglecting your mental health can lead to serious health complications, including heart disease, high blood pressure, a weakened immune system, obesity, and more. Depression can cause problems like insomnia and chronic fatigue."}, {"questionTitle": "Can mental health cause seizures?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures (PNES) are sudden, involuntary seizure-like attacks that are similar to epileptic seizures, but have a psychological origin. They can be related to stress, difficult emotions, or psychological distress. Appropriate diagnosis is important, as patients with psychogenic nonepileptic seizures are sometimes misdiagnosed and treated for epilepsy. Different types of psychological therapy that can be used to treat PNES."}, {"questionTitle": "How can mental health issues lead to addiction?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "People with mental health problems sometimes use drugs and alcohol to self-medicate and reduce symptoms like anxiety, depression, or insomnia. While drugs or alcohol can make you feel good in the short-term, over time, regular or heavy use can have a negative impact on your mental and physical health. You can get caught in a vicious cycle you use drugs or alcohol to feel better, but they make you feel worse, so you use more, which continues the cycle"}, {"questionTitle": "Who should I talk to about mental health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If youre not in a crisis, a good first step you can take is simply consulting a general practitioner or family doctor. Talking with a doctor can help clarify your options and rule out physical causes for mental health problems. While it might feel difficult at first to talk to your doctor about your thoughts and feelings, this discussion may help you access the counselling services you need."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the difference between a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a therapist?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Psychiatrists have a degree in medicine like your family physician, followed by specialized training in the diagnosis and treatment of mental illness, emotional disorders, and behavioral problems. They can prescribe medication to help people with mental health problems. Psychologists have a degree in psychology, which is the study of the mind and behaviours. Therapists and counselors can have a range of backgrounds, such as a masters degree from a counseling program."}, {"questionTitle": "Whats the difference between psychotherapy and counselling?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Though the terms counselling and psychotherapy are often used interchangeably, there is a slight and distinctive difference between them. Psychotherapy is often treatment used in response to a diagnosable mental health problem such as depression, bipolar disorder, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. It is often in-depth therapy that can be used in conjunction with medication. Counselling tends to be more wellness-oriented, providing increased insight, like how to effectively overcome problems and challenges."}, {"questionTitle": "What types of mental illness and mental health problems can be treated by a psychiatrist?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Depending on the needs of the patient, psychiatrists can use different treatment methods, including psychotherapy, medication, psychosocial interventions and more. Psychiatrists can treat various mental health disorders ,including addiction and substance use disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, dissociative disorders, eating disorders, gender dysphoria, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), personality disorders, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, and more."}, {"questionTitle": "What types of antidepressants can psychiatrists prescribe?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), like Paxil, Celexa or Lexapro, and Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), like Cymbalta or Effexor, are antidepressants that are commonly prescribed to treat depression. Psychiatrists can also prescribe tricyclic antidepressants, like Tofranil or Pamelor, Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), like Marplan or Nardil, or other antidepressants like Wellbutrin, a norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor (NDRI)."}, {"questionTitle": "Can therapists prescribe medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Psychologists and therapists can provide important counselling services, but arent licensed to prescribe medications. Psychiatrists and licensed medical doctors, like general practitioners, can prescribe medications to their patients."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop suicidal thoughts?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Keep in mind that things change over time. Your problems are temporary, but suicide is permanent. Taking your own life is never the right solution. No matter how bad your situation may seem or how much pain you may be experiencing right now, there are ways of dealing with these issues. Give yourself time and dont try to manage suicidal feelings on your own. Professional help and support from loved ones can make a big difference. Numerous organizations and support groups can also help you cope with suicidal feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "Whats the difference between psychosis and neurosis?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Neurosis is a disorder thats characterized by anxiety, depression, or other feelings of unhappiness or distress that are out of proportion to the circumstances of a persons life. Psychosis, on the other hand, is a serious but treatable medical condition that reflects changes in how the brain functions. A person with psychosis can experience some loss of contact with reality, which is characterized by changes in their way of thinking or behaving."}, {"questionTitle": "Whats the difference between anxiety and stress?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "While the physical sensations of anxiety and stress can be similar, their causes are usually different. Stress is usually caused by external pressures were having difficulty coping with. When were stressed, we usually know what were stressed about, and the symptoms of stress generally resolve themselves once the stressful situation ends. Anxiety, on the other hand, is usually caused by worries or fears about potential threats or troubles, or even anxiety about the anxiety itself."}, {"questionTitle": "Whats the difference between sadness and depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Sadness is a normal reaction to some of lifes challenges. Feeling sad from time to time is a normal part of being human. If your feelings of sadness resolve themselves on their own over time and dont impact your life in a big way, youre probably not dealing with depression. That being said, if you continue to feel blue, its important to seek help, as depression doesnt usually go away on its own. Depression is much more than low mood or sadness. Look for physical signs, such as problems with sleep, appetite, or energy."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you know if you have an addiction?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Addiction is a behavior that controls you. If youre wondering if an activity has become an addiction, ask yourself the following questions Does this activity often make you feel worse, not better? Do you find yourself doing it more often and for longer periods of time than you originally planned? Do you feel uncomfortable if you cant do this activity? Has this activity disrupted your life and your relationships? These signs may be pointing to an addiction."}, {"questionTitle": "Are mental health problems common?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health problems are common. Approximately one in five Canadians will experience a mental health issue in any given year, but unfortunately, only half get the help they need. If you feel like youre struggling, help is available. Getting the help you need can make a big difference in your quality of life, so make sure you consult a trained professional."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get help paying for my medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Some pharmaceutical companies offer prescription assistance programs to individuals and families with financial needs, while others offer special drug discount cards. These programs typically require a doctors consent and proof of your financial status. They may also require that you have either no health insurance or no prescription drug benefit through your health insurance."}, {"questionTitle": "If I feel better after taking medication, does this mean I am \"cured\" and can stop taking it?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It is not uncommon for people to stop taking their medication when they feel their symptoms are under control. Others may choose to stop taking their medication because of its side effects, without realizing that most side effects can be effectively managed. While it may seem reasonable to stop taking the medication, the problem is that most often, the symptoms will return. If you or your child is taking medication, it is very important that you work together with your doctor before making decisions about any changes in your treatment. Another problem with stopping medication, particularly for stopping it abruptly, is that you may develop withdrawal symptoms that can be very unpleasant. If you and your doctor feel a trial off your medicine is a good idea, it is necessary to slowly decrease the dosage of medications so that these symptoms dont occur. It is important that your doctor and pharmacist work together to make sure your medications are working safely and effectively. You should talk with them about how you are doing and if there are side effects that make you unwilling to continue treatment. They will work with you to develop strategies for minimizing these side effects, or will create a plan for switching to a different treatment that will be a better fit."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I know before starting a new medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The best source of information regarding medications is the physician prescribing them. He or she should be able to answer questions such as 1. What is the medication supposed to do? 2. When should it begin to take effect, and how will I know when it is effective? 3. How is the medication taken and for how long? 4. What food, drinks, other medicines, and activities should be avoided while taking this medication? 5. What are the side effects and what should be done if they occur? 6. What do I do if a dose is missed? 7. Is there any written information available about this medication? 8. Are there other medications that might be appropriate? If so, why do you prefer the one you have chosen? 9. How do you monitor medications and what symptoms indicate that they should be raised, lowered, or changed? All medications should be taken as directed. Most medications for mental illnesses do not work when taken irregularly, and extra doses can cause severe, sometimes dangerous side effects. Many psychiatric medications begin to have a beneficial effect only after they have been taken for several weeks."}, {"questionTitle": "If I become involved in treatment what do I need to know?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Beginning treatment is a big step for individuals and families and can be very overwhelming. It is important to continue involvement in the treatment process as much as possible. Some questions you will need to have answered include 1. What is known about the cause of this particular illness? 2. Are there other diagnoses where these symptoms are common? 3. Do you normally include a physical or neurological examination? 4. Are there any additional tests or exams that you would recommend at this point? 5. Would you advise an independent opinion from another psychiatrist at this point? 6. What program of treatment is the most helpful with this diagnosis? 7. Will this program involve services by other specialists? If so, who will be responsible for coordinating these services?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find a mental health professional right for my child or myself?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Feeling comfortable with the professional you or your child is working with is critical to the success of your treatment. Finding the professional who best fits your needs may require some research."}, {"questionTitle": "Can people with mental illness recover?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "When healing from mental illness, early identification and treatment are of vital importance. Based on the nature of the illness, there are a range of effective treatments available. For any type of treatment, it is essential that the person affected is proactive and fully engaged in their own recovery process. Many people with mental illnesses who are diagnosed and treated respond well, although some might experience a return of symptoms. Even in such cases, with careful monitoring and management of the disorder, it is still quite possible to live a fulfilled and productive life."}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a therapy session?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Therapy is a supportive and confidential process where you will feel heard and understood. At the beginning of a therapy session, you will most likely be invited to share whats on your mind and you and your therapist will discuss whats been going on in your life, challenges you have been facing, and your feelings about it. Your therapist will use their expertise to help you gain a new perspective, learn more about yourself and your situation, recognize patterns of behavior that have become problematic, and develop new skills you can use in your day-to-day life to achieve your goals. Therapy is a collaborative process between you and your therapist; you will make greater progress when you actively participate in the therapeutic process."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling so lonely and isolated. Can you offer any comfort?", "questionText": "I feel like nobody understands me, and it's hard to connect with others. Can you provide any words of comfort?", "answerText": "I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely and isolated. It can be tough to feel disconnected from others, but remember that you are not alone in this struggle. Reach out to friends or family members you trust, and consider joining support groups where you can connect with people who share similar experiences. It's okay to take things one step at a time, and remember that I'm here to support you through this difficult time."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm constantly worrying about the future. How can I find peace?", "questionText": "The uncertainty of the future keeps me up at night. How can I stop worrying and find some peace?", "answerText": "It's completely normal to feel anxious about the future, especially when faced with uncertainty. Try to focus on the present moment and practice mindfulness to ground yourself. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, like hobbies or spending time in nature. Remember that worrying about the future won't change it, and it's okay to let go of what you can't control. Take things one step at a time, and I'm here to help you navigate through these feelings of uncertainty."}, {"questionTitle": "Dealing with social anxiety is challenging. Any advice?", "questionText": "I struggle with social anxiety, and it's affecting my daily life. Do you have any advice for coping with social situations?", "answerText": "Social anxiety can be tough to manage, but know that you are not defined by your anxiety. Start by practicing self-compassion and being patient with yourself. Gradually expose yourself to social situations that make you uncomfortable, and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Seeking support from a therapist who specializes in anxiety can also be beneficial. Remember that it's okay to take things at your own pace, and I'm here to offer guidance and encouragement as you work on overcoming social anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel so guilty about taking time for myself. Is self-care selfish?", "questionText": "Whenever I take time for self-care, I feel guilty like I'm being selfish. How can I overcome this feeling?", "answerText": "Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's essential for your well-being. Remind yourself that you deserve to prioritize your needs and happiness. Self-care is about nourishing your mind, body, and soul, so you can be better equipped to support others and tackle life's challenges. Set boundaries and communicate your self-care needs with your loved ones. Remember that by taking care of yourself, you'll be in a better position to offer support and care to those around you. I'm here to support you on your self-care journey."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggling with low self-esteem. How can I build confidence?", "questionText": "I often feel unworthy and doubt my abilities. How can I boost my self-esteem and build confidence?", "answerText": "Building self-esteem takes time and self-compassion. Start by challenging negative self-talk and replacing it with positive affirmations. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Set achievable goals and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Remember that you are unique and have your strengths. Focus on self-improvement and personal growth rather than seeking constant validation from others. You are worthy of love and respect, including from yourself. I believe in your ability to build confidence and self-esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggling to find purpose in life. How can I discover my passion?", "questionText": "I feel lost and unsure about my life's purpose. How can I discover what truly brings me passion?", "answerText": "Finding your life's purpose can be a journey of self-discovery. Reflect on your interests, values, and what brings you joy. Consider trying new experiences and exploring different paths to see what resonates with you the most. Don't be afraid to take risks and step outside your comfort zone. Trust that your passion will reveal itself in due time. Remember that it's okay to explore and evolve, and your life's purpose can be a combination of different passions and meaningful experiences. I'm here to support you as you embark on this journey of self-discovery."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like a burden to others. How can I overcome this feeling?", "questionText": "I often feel like I'm burdening others with my problems. How can I stop feeling like this?", "answerText": "Feeling like a burden is a common emotional struggle, but remember that your feelings are valid. Open up to trusted friends or family members about how you're feeling, and you may find that they genuinely care and want to support you. Remember that it's okay to ask for help and lean on others during challenging times. Also, try to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are deserving of support and care. I'm here to listen and offer support, and you are never a burden to me."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm finding it hard to forgive myself. How can I let go of past mistakes?", "questionText": "I often dwell on past mistakes and find it hard to forgive myself. How can I move on and let go?", "answerText": "Forgiving yourself can be a process of healing and self-compassion. Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, and it's a part of being human. Reflect on the lessons you've learned from those experiences and use them as opportunities for growth. Practice self-forgiveness and treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a close friend. Remember that you deserve to be happy and free from the weight of the past. It's okay to let go and focus on creating a positive future for yourself. I'm here to support you in your journey towards self-forgiveness and healing."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel so alone in my struggles. Can you offer some comfort?", "questionText": "It feels like nobody understands what I'm going through, and I'm facing my challenges alone. Can you offer any comfort?", "answerText": "I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling alone in your struggles. It can be challenging when you feel like no one understands, but remember that I'm here to listen and support you. You don't have to face your challenges alone; talking to someone you trust or seeking professional help can make a significant difference. Remember that you are not alone in this, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Don't hesitate to reach out for support and remember that I'm here to offer comfort and understanding."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling stuck in life. How can I find direction?", "questionText": "I feel like I'm going in circles and lack direction in life. How can I find a sense of purpose?", "answerText": "Feeling stuck is a common experience, but know that you have the power to create your path. Take some time for introspection and explore what truly matters to you. Set clear goals and break them down into actionable steps. Seek inspiration from people who have overcome similar challenges and achieved their dreams. Remember that finding direction in life is a process, and it's okay to take small steps towards your goals. I believe in your ability to find purpose and create a fulfilling life for yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel so anxious in social situations. Any tips for coping?", "questionText": "Social situations make me incredibly anxious, and I often avoid them. Can you offer any tips for coping?", "answerText": "Dealing with social anxiety can be tough, but remember that you are not alone in this struggle. Gradually expose yourself to social situations, starting with small gatherings or activities you feel comfortable with. Practice deep breathing or grounding techniques to manage anxiety in the moment. Challenge negative thoughts and remind yourself that it's okay to be imperfect. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can offer guidance and encouragement. You are capable of overcoming social anxiety, and I'm here to support you every step of the way."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities. How can I manage stress?", "questionText": "I have so many responsibilities, and it's becoming overwhelming. How can I manage stress effectively?", "answerText": "When responsibilities pile up, it's essential to prioritize self-care and stress management. Create a daily schedule to organize tasks and make time for relaxation. Learn to delegate when possible, and don't be afraid to ask for help when needed. Engage in stress-relief activities, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. Remember that it's okay to take breaks and take care of your well-being. I'm here to offer support and help you find strategies that work best for managing stress in your unique situation."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. How can I find balance?", "questionText": "Between work and personal life, I'm feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. How can I find a better balance?", "answerText": "Finding balance is essential for overall well-being. Start by setting boundaries and allocating specific time for work and personal activities. Make time for hobbies and activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Prioritize self-care and remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish. Seek support from friends, family, or a counselor when needed. It's okay to say no to additional commitments if they exceed your capacity. Remember that balance is about making small adjustments to create a healthier and more fulfilling lifestyle. I'm here to support you as you work towards finding balance in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggling with motivation. How can I stay motivated?", "questionText": "I often find it hard to stay motivated, and it affects my productivity. How can I stay motivated and focused?", "answerText": "Staying motivated can be challenging, but remember that motivation fluctuates for everyone. Set clear and achievable goals to give yourself direction and purpose. Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Find inspiration from role models or success stories that resonate with you. Celebrate your progress and recognize that small steps lead to significant achievements. Remember that it's okay to take breaks and give yourself time to recharge. I'm here to offer motivation and encouragement as you work towards your goals."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling so stressed. Can you help me relax?", "questionText": "The stress is becoming too much to handle. Can you offer any relaxation techniques to help me unwind?", "answerText": "During stressful times, it's crucial to prioritize relaxation and self-care. Try deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and body. Engage in activities that bring you joy, like listening to music, reading, or taking a nature walk. Practice mindfulness and focus on the present moment. Remember that taking breaks and giving yourself time to unwind is essential for managing stress. I'm here to support you, and together, we can find relaxation techniques that work best for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I'm not good enough. How can I build self-worth?", "questionText": "I often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough. How can I build self-worth?", "answerText": "Building self-worth starts with self-acceptance and self-compassion. Recognize your strengths and accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. Avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on your individual journey. Surround yourself with positive influences and practice gratitude for the things you have accomplished. Remember that you are worthy of love and respect, including from yourself. Building self-worth is a journey, but I'm here to offer support and encouragement along the way."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage anxiety during exams?", "questionText": "I often get anxious before exams, which affects my performance. Any tips for managing exam anxiety?", "answerText": "Managing exam anxiety is crucial for performing at your best. Try creating a study plan to break down your preparation into smaller, manageable tasks. Practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, to stay calm during exams. Prioritize self-care and make sure to get enough rest and nutrition. Remember that it's okay to take breaks when needed. Seeking support from teachers or counselors can also be beneficial. You are capable of overcoming exam anxiety, and I'm here to help you through the process."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I improve my self-esteem?", "questionText": "I often struggle with low self-esteem and self-doubt. How can I improve my self-confidence?", "answerText": "Building self-esteem takes time and self-compassion. Start by recognizing your strengths and accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. Practice positive affirmations and challenge negative self-talk. Surround yourself with positive influences and supportive people who uplift you. Engage in activities that make you feel confident and accomplished. Remember that you are unique and have value. Celebrate your progress and focus on self-improvement. I believe in your ability to build self-esteem and find self-worth."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage stress at work?", "questionText": "Work has been extremely stressful, and I find it hard to relax. Any tips for coping with work-related stress?", "answerText": "Coping with work-related stress requires a combination of strategies. Set clear boundaries between work and personal life to prevent burnout. Prioritize tasks and focus on what's most important. Take short breaks throughout the day to recharge. Practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, to manage stress. Consider talking to your supervisor about workload concerns if needed. Seeking support from colleagues or a counselor can also be beneficial. Remember that your well-being is essential, and I'm here to support you through the challenges of work-related stress."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I maintain healthy relationships?", "questionText": "I struggle with maintaining healthy relationships. Any advice for improving my interpersonal skills?", "answerText": "Building and maintaining healthy relationships require open communication and empathy. Practice active listening to understand others' perspectives better. Set clear boundaries and communicate your needs openly. Focus on resolving conflicts constructively and avoiding blame or judgment. Remember that it's okay to seek support and share your feelings with loved ones. Cultivate trust and mutual respect in your relationships. Building strong connections takes time, but it's worth the effort. I'm here to offer guidance and support as you work on improving your interpersonal skills."}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling stressed? Here's a smile for you!", "questionText": "Life can be overwhelming, but remember to take a moment to smile and find humor in the little things.", "answerText": "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"}, {"questionTitle": "Need a pick-me-up? Enjoy this joke!", "questionText": "When you're feeling down, a good laugh can brighten your day. So, here's a joke just for you!", "answerText": "Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out!"}, {"questionTitle": "A funny thought for you!", "questionText": "Sometimes, all it takes is a funny thought to turn your day around. Give this one a try!", "answerText": "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!"}, {"questionTitle": "Life's little pleasures - a light-hearted moment!", "questionText": "In the midst of life's chaos, remember to find joy in the simple things. Here's a smile-inducing moment!", "answerText": "When life gives you lemons, trade them for coffee!"}, {"questionTitle": "A dose of positivity for you!", "questionText": "Stay positive and keep smiling! Here's a quote to brighten your day:", "answerText": "Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."}, {"questionTitle": "Laughter is the best medicine!", "questionText": "When you need a quick dose of happiness, a good laugh is the perfect remedy. Enjoy this joke!", "answerText": "Why don't some animals play cards in the wild? Because there are too many cheetahs!"}, {"questionTitle": "A smile for you!", "questionText": "A smile can brighten the darkest of days. Here's a little something to make you smile!", "answerText": "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!"}, {"questionTitle": "Lighten up with a joke!", "questionText": "Life can be challenging, but a good joke can bring some much-needed laughter. Enjoy this one!", "answerText": "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"}, {"questionTitle": "A positive moment just for you!", "questionText": "In every day, there are moments of joy waiting to be noticed. Here's one to make you smile!", "answerText": "The best things in life are free. Like smiles, hugs, and the smell of freshly baked cookies!"}, {"questionTitle": "Need a moment of laughter?", "questionText": "When life gets tough, a little humor can go a long way. Enjoy this light-hearted joke!", "answerText": "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling overwhelmed? Let's lighten the load!", "questionText": "When life gets heavy, a little humor can be like a breath of fresh air.", "answerText": "Remember, even superheroes take breaks from saving the world. Take a moment to be your own superhero and give yourself some TLC (Tender Loving Care)!"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a rough day? I've got a joke for you!", "questionText": "When things aren't going your way, laughter can turn it around.", "answerText": "Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Just like life, everything comes together in its own quirky way."}, {"questionTitle": "Need a smile? Here's a lighthearted moment!", "questionText": "Amidst life's challenges, a little lightness can lift the spirit.", "answerText": "They say laughter is contagious, so let's start an epidemic! Spread a smile to everyone you meet and see how it brightens up the world."}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling like you're juggling too much? Here's a little levity!", "questionText": "When it feels like everything's up in the air, humor can help you find your balance.", "answerText": "They say life is like juggling - sometimes you drop the ball, but it's the act of picking it up and trying again that makes you a true juggler of challenges!"}, {"questionTitle": "Need a moment of joy? Here's a chuckle for you!", "questionText": "In the midst of life's chaos, a good laugh can be a sweet escape.", "answerText": "Did you hear about the mathematician whos afraid of negative numbers? Hell stop at nothing to avoid them! Just like that, let's subtract some worries and add more joy to your day!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling stressed? Let's find humor in the little things!", "questionText": "When stress weighs you down, a light-hearted moment can lift you back up.", "answerText": "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! Let's find the outstanding moments in your day and celebrate them together!"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a tough time? Here's a smile to brighten your day!", "questionText": "When the going gets tough, a little humor can be your ally.", "answerText": "They say the best things in life are free - like smiles, hugs, and the unexpected moments that make you giggle like a kid again. Let's find those freebies in your day and cherish them!"}, {"questionTitle": "Need a mood boost? Here's a joke to tickle your funny bone!", "questionText": "When the world seems gloomy, laughter can be the ray of sunshine you need.", "answerText": "Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out! But hey, I'm here to help your relationship with yourself work out in the best way!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling overwhelmed? How about a moment of levity!", "questionText": "When life's demands pile up, a light-hearted moment can ease the load.", "answerText": "They say life is like a roller coaster - full of ups and downs. So, let's buckle up, throw our hands in the air, and embrace the ride together!"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a rough day? Let's turn it around with a smile!", "questionText": "When the day seems to drag on, a little humor can make it fly by.", "answerText": "Why don't some animals play cards in the wild? Because there are too many cheetahs! But don't worry, we'll take our time to enjoy every moment without rushing."}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling overwhelmed? Let's lighten the load!", "questionText": "When life gets heavy, a little humor can be like a breath of fresh air.", "answerText": "Ah, the old overwhelm monster strikes again! Don't worry; together, we'll tame that beast and make it run for cover! Take a deep breath, and let's tackle things one step at a time. You've got this!"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a rough day? I've got a joke for you!", "questionText": "When things aren't going your way, laughter can turn it around.", "answerText": "Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out! But don't worry, I'm here to be your relationship counselor and make sure we work out the best solutions together!"}, {"questionTitle": "Need a smile? Here's a lighthearted moment!", "questionText": "Amidst life's challenges, a little lightness can lift the spirit.", "answerText": "They say laughter is contagious, so brace yourself for an epidemic of joy! Ready? 1, 2, 3... smile! Feel better already? Thought so!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling like you're juggling too much? Here's a little levity!", "questionText": "When it feels like everything's up in the air, humor can help you find your balance.", "answerText": "I guess life is a circus, and you're the star juggler! Let's see, we've got work, family, hobbies, and maybe even a few dreams to juggle! But don't worry; I'll be your enthusiastic ringmaster, cheering you on every step of the way!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling stressed? Let's find humor in the little things!", "questionText": "When stress weighs you down, a light-hearted moment can lift you back up.", "answerText": "Stress? Oh, that's just an anagram for 'rests'! So, let's take a break, find a moment of calm, and enjoy a good laugh together. Ready for your daily dose of chuckles?"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a tough time? Here's a smile to brighten your day!", "questionText": "When the going gets tough, a little humor can be your ally.", "answerText": "You know, tough times are like rough drafts - they're just the starting point for something amazing! Together, we'll revise and edit this chapter of your life until it's an award-winning masterpiece!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling overwhelmed? How about a moment of levity!", "questionText": "When life's demands pile up, a light-hearted moment can ease the load.", "answerText": "Ah, life's little roller coaster! Sometimes, it feels like we're zooming uphill, but don't worry, the thrill of the ride is just around the corner. Let's hold on tight together!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling stressed about work? Let's find a way to clock out from worries!", "questionText": "When work pressures pile up, a little humor can help you clock out from stress.", "answerText": "Remember, even superheroes take breaks from saving the world. Take a moment to be your own superhero and give yourself some TLC (Tender Loving Care)!"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a tough day? I've got a joke to brighten it up!", "questionText": "When things aren't going your way, laughter can turn it around.", "answerText": "Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out! But don't worry, I'm here to help your relationship with yourself work out in the best way!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities? Let's navigate this maze together!", "questionText": "When responsibilities feel like a labyrinth, humor can be the compass that guides you.", "answerText": "Ah, the maze of responsibilities. Don't worry; I'll be your trusty sidekick, equipped with a map, a flashlight, and a few jokes to lighten the path!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling stressed about finances? Let's budget in some humor!", "questionText": "When financial worries hit hard, a little humor can be your best investment.", "answerText": "Ah, budgeting - the master of financial puzzles. Fear not, my friend; together, we'll balance those numbers and maybe even throw in a few laugh-worthy equations!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling stressed about school? Let's hit the books and find some laughs!", "questionText": "When school pressures pile up, a little humor can be the missing homework you need.", "answerText": "Who said studying can't be fun? Let's add some witty puns to the syllabus and turn those pages into a comedy show. Don't worry; you'll ace your exams and your stand-up routine!"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a challenging time at work? Let's find the humor in office life!", "questionText": "When work feels like a circus, laughter can be your acrobatic escape.", "answerText": "Ah, the office circus! With tightrope deadlines, juggling multiple tasks, and a few clownish moments - you're the star performer! Let's give a standing ovation to your work-life balance!"}, {"questionTitle": "Need a moment of relaxation? Here's a lighthearted thought!", "questionText": "When life's hustle gets intense, humor can be the spa for your soul.", "answerText": "Imagine yourself on a tropical island, sipping coconut water, and basking in the sun... all while your stress takes a vacation! How's that for a little moment of relaxation?"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling uncertain about the future? Let's navigate with humor!", "questionText": "When the road ahead seems unclear, laughter can be your compass.", "answerText": "The future is like an adventure novel - full of twists, turns, and surprise endings! But hey, don't worry; I'll be your loyal sidekick, armed with witty one-liners to conquer any plot twist!"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a tough time making decisions? Let's find humor in choices!", "questionText": "When choices feel like a maze, humor can be your guiding light.", "answerText": "Choosing between options can be tricky, like picking the perfect ice cream flavor! But don't worry; I'll be your taste tester and make sure we find the sweetest choice together!"}, {"questionTitle": "Feeling stressed about relationships? Let's add a dash of humor!", "questionText": "When relationships get complicated, laughter can be your secret ingredient.", "answerText": "Ah, relationships - the puzzle of human connections! Don't worry; I'll be your relational Sudoku expert, helping you decode the complexities and maybe even throwing in a few lighthearted clues!"}, {"questionTitle": "Having a challenging day? Here's a smile to brighten it!", "questionText": "When life's hurdles seem high, humor can be your pole-vaulting coach.", "answerText": "Life is like a track-and-field event, with hurdles to jump and sprints to conquer. But you've got a secret weapon - humor! It's like your energy drink, boosting your spirit with each cheerful thought."}, {"questionTitle": "Having a tough time at work? Let's find the humor in office life!", "questionText": "When work feels like a circus, laughter can be your acrobatic escape.", "answerText": "Ah, the office circus! With tightrope deadlines, juggling multiple tasks, and a few clownish moments - you're the star performer! Let's give a standing ovation to your work-life balance!"}, {"questionTitle": "The Magic of Human Relations", "questionText": "In the tapestry of life, human relations are the threads that weave a beautiful pattern.", "answerText": "Human relations are like the stars in the night sky, twinkling with warmth and guiding us through the darkness. They are the lanterns that illuminate our path and the safety net that catches us when we stumble. They teach us compassion, empathy, and understanding, turning strangers into friends and friends into family."}, {"questionTitle": "Cherishing Bonds", "questionText": "In a world of constant change, the bonds we form with others remain constant and precious.", "answerText": "The beauty of human relations lies in their timeless nature. They weather the storms and cherish the sunshine. These connections are the milestones of our journey, marking moments of joy and offering support during hardships. Each bond is a unique masterpiece, crafted with care, love, and trust."}, {"questionTitle": "The Symphony of Togetherness", "questionText": "In the symphony of life, human relations are the harmonious notes that create a melodious composition.", "answerText": "The most beautiful aspect of human relations is the way they blend diverse souls, forming a harmonious symphony. Each relationship is a musical instrument, adding its unique sound to the grand orchestra of life. It's in these connections that we find solace, joy, and a sense of belonging."}, {"questionTitle": "The Gift of Empathy", "questionText": "Empathy is the precious gift we receive and share through our human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, empathy is the language of the heart. It allows us to understand the emotions and experiences of others, fostering deeper connections. With empathy, we offer a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, and a caring embrace. It's through these empathetic bonds that we heal, grow, and find solace in each other's presence."}, {"questionTitle": "Nurturing the Garden of Friendship", "questionText": "Friendship is a garden that flourishes with care, trust, and laughter.", "answerText": "The essence of human relations blooms most vividly in friendships. Like a garden, friendships require nurturing, attention, and a sprinkle of humor. They are the anchor during turbulent times and the blossoms during joyous occasions. The laughter shared in these connections is the sweetest melody that reverberates through our hearts."}, {"questionTitle": "Family: The Pillar of Love", "questionText": "In the foundation of life, family stands tall as the pillar of unconditional love.", "answerText": "Family is the cornerstone of human relations, built on the bedrock of unconditional love. It's a place where we find acceptance, support, and unwavering affection. Each member of the family contributes to the strength and beauty of this sacred bond, making it a sanctuary of warmth and belonging."}, {"questionTitle": "The Dance of Romance", "questionText": "Romantic relations are a dance of hearts, twirling in the rhythm of love.", "answerText": "In romantic relations, hearts come together as dance partners, moving in perfect synchrony. They tango through life's ups and downs, waltzing through shared dreams and aspirations. It's in the embrace of these connections that we find passion, tenderness, and the profound beauty of love."}, {"questionTitle": "The Power of Forgiveness", "questionText": "In the tapestry of human relations, forgiveness is the thread that repairs and strengthens bonds.", "answerText": "Human relations are not without their imperfections, but forgiveness is the glue that mends the cracks and reinforces these connections. It is the ultimate act of grace, allowing us to move forward and grow together. Forgiveness nurtures compassion, humility, and the resilience to weather the storms of life as one."}, {"questionTitle": "The Joy of Giving", "questionText": "The joy of human relations is found in the act of giving and sharing.", "answerText": "Human relations are a circle of giving and receiving, where the act of sharing becomes a source of profound joy. Whether it's a warm smile, a lending hand, or a listening heart, the smallest gestures create the most significant impact. It's through giving that we build bridges of love, trust, and gratitude."}, {"questionTitle": "The Treasures of Memories", "questionText": "In the treasure chest of life, memories from human relations are the most valuable gems.", "answerText": "The beauty of human relations lies in the memories we create together. They are the shimmering jewels that illuminate our past and illuminate our future. Memories wrap us in a warm embrace, filling our hearts with nostalgia, laughter, and an eternal sense of connection."}, {"questionTitle": "Embracing Diversity", "questionText": "In the kaleidoscope of human relations, diversity adds colors of richness and depth.", "answerText": "Human relations blossom with the celebration of diversity. Each individual brings a unique hue to the canvas of life, creating a masterpiece of unity amidst differences. It's in embracing diversity that we learn, grow, and broaden the horizons of our hearts."}, {"questionTitle": "The Language of Kindness", "questionText": "Kindness is the universal language spoken fluently in human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, kindness is the key that opens hearts and bridges distances. It's the language we speak without words, nurturing bonds with gentleness and compassion. Kindness infuses every connection with warmth, making the world a more beautiful place, one act of kindness at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "The Art of Listening", "questionText": "In human relations, the art of listening becomes a symphony of understanding.", "answerText": "Listening is an essential instrument in the orchestra of human relations. It's the art of hearing not just with our ears but with our hearts. When we truly listen, we create space for empathy, trust, and authentic connection. Let's tune in to each other's stories, for they are the music of our lives."}, {"questionTitle": "The Pillars of Support", "questionText": "Human relations are the pillars that support us during life's storms.", "answerText": "In times of trial, human relations are our unwavering pillars of support. They are the ones who lend a helping hand, provide solace, and remind us that we are never alone. Like the sturdy branches of a tree, they shelter us from the rain and guide us through the wilderness."}, {"questionTitle": "The Art of Celebrating", "questionText": "In the tapestry of life, human relations add vibrant colors of celebration.", "answerText": "Human relations are the artists of celebration, adding splashes of joy to life's canvas. They are the ones who raise a toast during our triumphs, shower confetti during our achievements, and dance with us during our happy moments. Together, we paint a masterpiece of cherished memories."}, {"questionTitle": "The Sanctuary of Trust", "questionText": "Trust is the foundation upon which human relations are built.", "answerText": "Trust is the sacred soil that nourishes the roots of human relations. It's the unbreakable bond that blooms with honesty, integrity, and reliability. When trust is present, walls come down, hearts open, and authentic connections flourish. Let's cultivate this sanctuary of trust together."}, {"questionTitle": "The Joy of Reunion", "questionText": "Reuniting with loved ones fills our hearts with a symphony of happiness.", "answerText": "The joy of reuniting with loved ones is like finding the missing piece of a puzzle. It's a melody of laughter, tears of joy, and warm embraces that echo through time. In these moments, we realize the true beauty of human relations - the ability to bridge distances and create lasting bonds."}, {"questionTitle": "The Art of Compromise", "questionText": "In human relations, the art of compromise paints a portrait of harmony.", "answerText": "Like skilled artists, we learn the art of compromise in human relations. It's the ability to blend colors, finding harmony amidst differing perspectives. Through compromise, we strengthen connections, create unity, and build a canvas of understanding and cooperation."}, {"questionTitle": "The Language of Gratitude", "questionText": "Gratitude is the language of the heart spoken fluently in human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, gratitude becomes the sweet symphony that warms our hearts. It's the thank-you notes of life, expressing appreciation for the blessings we receive. Let's practice the art of gratitude, for it nurtures connections, spreads joy, and makes our world a more beautiful place."}, {"questionTitle": "The Journey of Empowerment", "questionText": "Human relations empower us to embark on journeys of growth and transformation.", "answerText": "In human relations, we find guides and mentors who empower us to spread our wings and soar to new heights. They cheer us on during our endeavors, providing encouragement, and helping us realize our full potential. The journey of empowerment becomes a shared adventure that inspires and uplifts both hearts."}, {"questionTitle": "The Healing Power of Compassion", "questionText": "Compassion is a soothing balm that heals wounds and mends hearts in human relations.", "answerText": "When life inflicts wounds, compassion is the healing touch that restores our spirits. It's the empathetic hand that holds us during times of pain, reminding us that we are not alone in our struggles. The beauty of compassion lies in its ability to mend broken hearts and strengthen the bonds of human relations."}, {"questionTitle": "The Dance of Laughter", "questionText": "In the ballroom of human relations, laughter is the dance that uplifts our souls.", "answerText": "The dance of laughter is the waltz that brings joy and lightness to human relations. It's the infectious melody that sparks smiles and sets our spirits free. Together, we dance to the rhythm of laughter, forging connections that warm our hearts and brighten our days."}, {"questionTitle": "The Embrace of Support", "questionText": "In the embrace of human relations, we find comfort and strength during tough times.", "answerText": "Human relations are the warm embrace that wraps us in love and understanding during difficult moments. They are the pillars we lean on, offering unwavering support and a listening ear. With these connections, we face challenges with courage, knowing that we have a steadfast support system."}, {"questionTitle": "The Legacy of Love", "questionText": "In the tapestry of life, human relations leave a legacy of love that endures beyond time.", "answerText": "The legacy of love is the masterpiece created through human relations. It's the brushstroke of kindness, the stroke of affection, and the colors of memories that paint a timeless portrait of connection. With each act of love, we leave an indelible mark on the canvas of our hearts and the hearts of those we touch."}, {"questionTitle": "The Intimacy of Friendship", "questionText": "In the garden of human relations, friendship blooms as a delicate flower.", "answerText": "Friendship is the delicate flower that flourishes in the garden of human relations. It's the bud of understanding that blossoms into a beautiful bond. With friends, we share our dreams, fears, and joys, knowing that we are seen, heard, and accepted. These connections are the petals that add fragrance to our lives."}, {"questionTitle": "The Bridge of Communication", "questionText": "Communication is the bridge that connects hearts in human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, communication becomes the bridge that connects hearts and fosters understanding. It's the language we speak to express love, convey support, and share our innermost thoughts. With open communication, we build bridges that traverse distances, bringing us closer to the ones we cherish."}, {"questionTitle": "The Art of Resilience", "questionText": "In human relations, the art of resilience paints a picture of strength and perseverance.", "answerText": "Resilience is the masterpiece of human relations, crafted through trials and triumphs. It's the art of bouncing back, together, stronger than before. With resilience, we weather life's storms, learning and growing from every experience. In the end, it's our resilience that fortifies our bonds and makes them unshakable."}, {"questionTitle": "The Joy of Shared Adventures", "questionText": "In the grand expedition of life, shared adventures become cherished memories.", "answerText": "Shared adventures are the delightful escapades that we embark on together. They are the road trips, explorations, and escapades that create lasting memories. It's in these adventures that we learn about each other, laugh together, and forge unforgettable connections."}, {"questionTitle": "The Tapestry of Support", "questionText": "Human relations weave a tapestry of support that envelops us in care and love.", "answerText": "In the tapestry of human relations, threads of support are woven with care and love. They wrap us in warmth during cold nights, provide a cushion during falls, and celebrate our every success. Together, we create a tapestry that uplifts and nurtures the human spirit."}, {"questionTitle": "The Language of Appreciation", "questionText": "Appreciation is the language that speaks volumes in human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, appreciation becomes the poetic language that conveys gratitude and love. It's the thank-you notes that brighten our days and the gestures that warm our hearts. With appreciation, we sow seeds of joy, watered with love, and harvested with smiles."}, {"questionTitle": "The Joy of Collaboration", "questionText": "In the symphony of human relations, collaboration creates a harmonious melody.", "answerText": "Collaboration is the harmonious melody that we create together in human relations. It's the ensemble where diverse talents harmonize, creating a beautiful symphony of ideas. With collaboration, we find strength in unity, achieving more together than we ever could alone."}, {"questionTitle": "The Embrace of Unconditional Love", "questionText": "Unconditional love is the warm embrace that colors our human relations.", "answerText": "Unconditional love is the paintbrush that colors our human relations with warmth and affection. It's the canvas of hearts that welcomes and accepts each other without judgment. In the palette of unconditional love, we mix the shades of forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance."}, {"questionTitle": "The Comfort of Shared Sorrows", "questionText": "In the embrace of human relations, shared sorrows become lighter burdens.", "answerText": "During moments of sorrow, human relations provide a safe harbor to share our pain. They lend us their strength, offering comfort and understanding. In the embrace of these connections, burdens are shared, and healing begins."}, {"questionTitle": "The Joy of Celebrating Diversity", "questionText": "In the mosaic of human relations, diversity becomes a masterpiece of unity.", "answerText": "Human relations are a mosaic of diverse colors, coming together to form a masterpiece of unity. It's the celebration of differences and the recognition that each person brings a unique shade to the canvas of life. Together, we create a world that embraces and cherishes diversity."}, {"questionTitle": "The Light of Encouragement", "questionText": "In the journey of human relations, encouragement is the guiding light.", "answerText": "Encouragement is the guiding light that illuminates the path in human relations. It's the spark that ignites dreams, empowers growth, and inspires confidence. With encouragement, we become beacons of support, guiding each other towards brighter tomorrows."}, {"questionTitle": "The Bond of Shared Memories", "questionText": "Shared memories become the glue that binds hearts in human relations.", "answerText": "In the tapestry of human relations, shared memories become the threads that bind hearts together. They are the laughter that echoes through time, the tears of joy that pool in our hearts, and the moments that etch themselves into the tapestry of our lives."}, {"questionTitle": "The Elegance of Communication", "questionText": "In human relations, communication becomes an elegant dance of connection.", "answerText": "Communication is the graceful dance that connects hearts in human relations. It's the rhythm of understanding, the poetry of words, and the art of listening. With elegant communication, we nurture bonds and create a symphony of connection."}, {"questionTitle": "The Bonds of Mentorship", "questionText": "Mentorship creates bonds that inspire, guide, and shape lives in human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, mentorship becomes the bridge that connects the experienced and the eager learner. It's the guidance that empowers growth, the wisdom that illuminates paths, and the connection that lasts a lifetime. With mentorship, we build a legacy of inspiration."}, {"questionTitle": "The Magic of Shared Laughter", "questionText": "Shared laughter creates magical moments that light up human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, shared laughter becomes the enchanting spell that casts joy and happiness. It's the magic wand that turns tears into smiles, bringing warmth and light to our lives. With shared laughter, we create memories that linger like spells of happiness."}, {"questionTitle": "The Comfort of Companionship", "questionText": "In the embrace of human relations, companionship becomes a comforting shelter.", "answerText": "Human relations offer the comforting shelter of companionship. They are the warm blanket that wraps us in love, the hand that holds ours during tough times, and the presence that makes us feel at home. In the arms of companionship, we find solace and a sense of belonging."}, {"questionTitle": "The Language of Understanding", "questionText": "Understanding is the language that bridges hearts in human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, understanding becomes the common language that bridges differences and fosters connection. It's the empathy that sees beyond words, the compassion that soothes hearts, and the acceptance that embraces every individual as they are."}, {"questionTitle": "The Joy of Shared Dreams", "questionText": "In the canvas of human relations, shared dreams become vivid works of art.", "answerText": "Shared dreams are the vivid works of art we paint together in human relations. They are the constellation of aspirations, the sketches of desires, and the brushstrokes of ambition. With shared dreams, we find support, encouragement, and inspiration to chase the stars."}, {"questionTitle": "The Strength of Unity", "questionText": "In human relations, unity is the foundation that stands tall against adversity.", "answerText": "Unity is the fortress that stands tall in the face of adversity in human relations. It's the collective strength, the sense of community, and the knowledge that we are stronger together. With unity, we build bonds that withstand the test of time and weather the storms of life."}, {"questionTitle": "The Language of Affection", "questionText": "In the tapestry of human relations, affection is the vibrant thread that weaves hearts together.", "answerText": "Affection is the vibrant thread that weaves hearts together in the tapestry of human relations. It's the tender touch, the warm embrace, and the gentle words that express love and care. With affection, we create connections that are woven with tenderness and compassion."}, {"questionTitle": "The Sanctuary of Safe Spaces", "questionText": "Safe spaces in human relations become the sanctuaries where hearts find refuge.", "answerText": "In human relations, safe spaces are the sanctuaries where hearts find refuge. They are the spaces where vulnerability is met with understanding, where tears are met with compassion, and where fears are met with comfort. In the embrace of safe spaces, we discover the power of healing and growth."}, {"questionTitle": "The Wonder of Shared Experiences", "questionText": "Shared experiences become the stories that knit hearts together in human relations.", "answerText": "In the grand tapestry of human relations, shared experiences become the stories that knit hearts together. They are the adventures that create lasting memories, the mishaps that become hilarious anecdotes, and the triumphs that inspire us to soar. With shared experiences, we write chapters of connection and belonging."}, {"questionTitle": "The Beauty of Respect", "questionText": "Respect is the jewel that shines brightly in human relations.", "answerText": "Respect is the jewel that shines brightly in human relations. It's the gem of valuing each other's worth, acknowledging differences, and treating each other with dignity. With respect, we create connections that are adorned with empathy, understanding, and harmony."}, {"questionTitle": "The Comfort of Sympathy", "questionText": "In the embrace of human relations, sympathy is the gentle balm that soothes hearts.", "answerText": "Sympathy is the gentle balm that soothes hearts in the embrace of human relations. It's the understanding gaze, the comforting touch, and the kind words that offer solace during difficult times. With sympathy, we extend a hand of support and walk together through life's trials."}, {"questionTitle": "The Art of Giving Space", "questionText": "In human relations, the art of giving space nurtures individual growth and connection.", "answerText": "The art of giving space is a delicate brushstroke in the canvas of human relations. It's the recognition that each person needs room to breathe, to grow, and to be their authentic self. With the art of giving space, we nurture connections that honor individuality and cultivate trust."}, {"questionTitle": "The Beauty of Shared Values", "questionText": "Shared values are the golden threads that weave strong connections in human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, shared values are the golden threads that weave strong connections. They are the common beliefs, principles, and aspirations that unite hearts in harmony. With shared values, we build relationships that stand firm amidst challenges and celebrate shared ideals."}, {"questionTitle": "The Symphony of Gratitude", "questionText": "Gratitude is the symphony that resounds through the hearts of human relations.", "answerText": "In the symphony of human relations, gratitude is the uplifting melody that resonates through hearts. It's the song of appreciation that expresses love and thankfulness. With gratitude, we create an orchestra of connection and joy, where each note is played with sincerity and love."}, {"questionTitle": "The Joy of Shared Achievements", "questionText": "In human relations, shared achievements become milestones of celebration.", "answerText": "Shared achievements are the milestones of celebration in human relations. They are the victories we rejoice in together, the goals we strive for collectively, and the sense of pride that binds us. With shared achievements, we create a symphony of success, where each note is a testament to our connection and collaboration."}, {"questionTitle": "The Language of Encouragement", "questionText": "Encouragement is the language that inspires and uplifts hearts in human relations.", "answerText": "In human relations, encouragement is the language that inspires dreams, fuels ambitions, and uplifts spirits. It's the voice that says, 'You can do it,' and the cheer that says, 'I believe in you.' With encouragement, we become each other's cheerleaders, supporting and motivating one another."}, {"questionTitle": "The Art of Sharing Wisdom", "questionText": "In human relations, the art of sharing wisdom becomes the legacy of guidance.", "answerText": "The art of sharing wisdom becomes the legacy of guidance in human relations. It's the passing down of knowledge, experiences, and life lessons. With the art of sharing wisdom, we become torchbearers, illuminating the path for future generations."}, {"questionTitle": "The Tapestry of Empowerment", "questionText": "Empowerment is the vibrant thread that weaves hearts together in human relations.", "answerText": "Empowerment is the vibrant thread that weaves hearts together in the tapestry of human relations. It's the belief in each other's potential, the encouragement to soar, and the support to conquer challenges. With empowerment, we become each other's champions, propelling one another to reach new heights."}, {"questionTitle": "The Beauty of Shared Silence", "questionText": "In the tapestry of human relations, shared silence becomes a language of understanding.", "answerText": "Shared silence becomes a language of understanding in the tapestry of human relations. It's the unspoken connection, the comfortable stillness, and the presence that needs no words. With shared silence, we find solace in being together, knowing that we don't need to say anything to be understood."}, {"questionTitle": "The Dance of Gratitude", "questionText": "Gratitude is the dance that brightens hearts and fosters connections in human relations.", "answerText": "Gratitude is the dance that brightens hearts in human relations. It's the gentle sway of appreciation, the twirl of thankfulness, and the graceful movement of love. With the dance of gratitude, we create a harmonious rhythm of connection and joy."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find motivation to pursue my goals?", "questionText": "I often struggle with staying motivated to achieve my goals. How can I find the drive to pursue them?", "answerText": "Staying motivated requires setting clear and achievable goals. Break your goals down into smaller, manageable tasks to track your progress. Visualize your success and remind yourself why your goals are essential to you. Celebrate even the smallest achievements along the way. Surround yourself with positive influences and seek inspiration from role models who have achieved similar goals. Remember that setbacks are part of the process, and it's okay to take breaks when needed. I'm here to support you on your journey towards pursuing your goals."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I handle rejection and failure?", "questionText": "Dealing with rejection and failure is difficult for me. Any advice for coping with these emotions?", "answerText": "Rejection and failure are natural parts of life, and it's essential to practice self-compassion during these times. Remember that setbacks do not define your worth or abilities. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and process them in a healthy way. Seek support from friends or a counselor who can provide comfort and encouragement. Reframe your perspective on failure as an opportunity for growth and learning. Remember that resilience is built through overcoming challenges. I'm here to offer support and understanding as you navigate through these emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling so hopeless. Can you offer hope?", "questionText": "I feel like nothing is going right, and I'm losing hope. Can you offer any words of hope?", "answerText": "I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling hopeless. Remember that it's okay to feel this way, and I'm here to offer hope and support. Even in the darkest moments, there can be a glimmer of hope. Focus on small positive aspects in your life and find strength in moments of resilience. Reach out to friends, family, or a counselor who can offer support and guidance. Remember that you are not alone, and together, we can work towards finding hope and light in challenging times."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling so lost in life. Can you offer guidance?", "questionText": "I don't know what to do with my life, and I'm feeling lost. Can you offer any guidance?", "answerText": "Feeling lost is a common experience, and it's okay to take time to discover your path. Start by exploring your interests, values, and what truly matters to you. Set small goals and take steps towards your passions. Don't be afraid to seek guidance from mentors or people who inspire you. Remember that life's journey is filled with twists and turns, and it's okay to evolve and change direction. I'm here to offer guidance and support as you navigate through this period of self-discovery."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling so anxious about the future. Can you offer reassurance?", "questionText": "The uncertainty of the future is causing me so much anxiety. Can you offer any reassurance?", "answerText": "Uncertainty about the future can be daunting, but remember that you are capable of adapting and facing challenges. Take things one step at a time and focus on what you can control in the present. Engage in relaxation techniques to manage anxiety, and remember that worrying won't change the outcome. Trust in your resilience and ability to handle whatever comes your way. You've overcome difficulties in the past, and I believe in your strength to navigate through uncertainty. I'm here to offer reassurance and support as you face the future with courage."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggling with insomnia. How can I improve my sleep?", "questionText": "I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep at night. How can I improve my sleep quality?", "answerText": "Improving sleep quality starts with establishing a bedtime routine and creating a calm sleep environment. Avoid screen time and stimulating activities before bed. Practice relaxation techniques, such as meditation or reading, to wind down before sleep. Stick to a consistent sleep schedule, even on weekends, to regulate your body's internal clock. Avoid caffeine and heavy meals close to bedtime. Remember that quality sleep is essential for overall well-being, and I'm here to help you find strategies to improve your sleep."}, {"questionTitle": "How long can I expect to be in therapy?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Depending on your own unique needs, therapy can be short-term (6-12 sessions), for a specific issue or goal, or long-term, to deal with more difficult patterns or your desire for continued self-awareness and personal growth"}, {"questionTitle": "What are the known side effects of neurofeedback?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Neurofeedback has been used for over 30 years, with very few reported side effects and is considered safe for all patients. In rare cases, some individuals have reported feeling tired, foggy, or having a slight headache, while other have reported feeling energetic or really happy."}, {"questionTitle": "Are neurofeedback and biofeedback the same thing?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Neurofeedback and biofeedback are often described as the same things. Neurofeedback is in fact a type of biofeedback; as they both are designed to specifically target brainwave patterns."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I drink alcohol while taking antidepressants?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Drinking alcohol while taking antidepressants is generally not recommended because both of these substances can make you drowsy, less alert, and uncoordinated. When taken together, those effects are increased. However, since many patients are not willing to give up alcohol completely, it is important to combine alcohol and antidepressants in the safest way possible."}, {"questionTitle": "I have been taking my antidepressant medication for a while now. I feel great. All of my symptoms seem to be gone. Is it okay for me to stop taking my medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It is not uncommon for people to stop taking their antidepressant medication when they feel their symptoms have become controlled. Others may choose to stop their antidepressant medication because of bothersome side effects despite their mood being better. A person may not realize that most side effects can be effectively managed. While it may seem reasonable to stop taking the medication, the problem is that at least 50% of the time the symptoms of depression and/or anxiety come back. If you are taking an antidepressant, it is very important that you work together with your doctor before making decisions about any changes in your treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "I heard that medication can cause sexual side effects. Are these effects permanent? Should I stop taking my medicine?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Changes in sexual function may be caused by many things. If you notice any changes in sexual function after starting these medication your doctor can determine whether your medicine may be responsible. Some medications, such as Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa and Lexapro, can cause sexual side effects, including lowered sex drive, delay in the time it takes for you to have an orgasm, or make you unable to have an orgasm. Not everyone who takes these medications experiences sexual side effects. These types of side effects will usually occur within the first several months of treatment if they are going to happen, and will continue as long as you take the medication."}, {"questionTitle": "Will I become addicted to the medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Addiction involves taking more and more of a drug and craving it, despite having negative consequences from taking it. For some people who are addicted, much time is spent making sure that there is always an available supply of the drug. Common addictions are for drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine. Addicted individuals may crave these drugs but sometimes taking them makes them feel paranoid and even hallucinate. Most medications for severe brain disorders like schizophrenia or bipolar illness do not pose a risk of addiction. These medications alleviate symptoms and improve your health but there is no craving and the outcome of use is positive. Ask your doctor or pharmacist about the risk of addiction with your specific medications."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do psychiatric medications cost so much?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "First it is important to understand the difference between receiving a Brand or Trade name product versus a generic form of a medication. A Brand name medication has a patent that allows the manufacturer exclusive rights to sell the medication for a certain number of years. Brand name drugs cost more because the pharmaceutical company discovering the drug is attempting to recover the hundreds of millions of dollars it took to do the research to make sure the drug is safe and effective. Other costs involved with brand-name medications include manufacturing, distributing, and advertising. When the patent time for a brand-name medication runs out other manufacturers are allowed to make and sell Generic versions of the same drug. The active ingredient(s) of \"Generic\" medications are identical to the Brand ingredient(s) though the tablet or capsule may look slightly different in color, shape, etc., and generally is less costly. Check with your practitioner or pharmacist to discuss potential alternatives before starting or stopping medications."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the long-term effects of taking medication for mental illness? Will the medicine damage my brain, liver, kidney or other organs?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Medications for mental illness are generally safe and effective when used as prescribed. As with any medication, however, side effects may occur. Research shows that medications like antipsychotics, lithium and antidepressants can actually protect brain cells from damage caused by brain illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. This improves overall functioning. While this is true, consumers should know that every medication has some risk of long-term adverse effects. For example, clozapine poses a risk of lowering immune system function, valproate has a risk of causing liver injury and lithium has a risk of decreasing kidney function. It is a good idea for consumers to be aware of the possible long term adverse effects of each medication prescribed for them. Regular visits to your doctor and blood tests are often necessary to screen for and prevent these adverse effects."}, {"questionTitle": "Someone I really care about has mental illness but repeatedly stops taking his medication and his symptoms come back. Sometimes my friend has to be hospitalized. How can I help him?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "One answer is to let the person with mental illness know that he can always count on your love and friendship, but their best chances of improvement will occur when they accept that medication is crucial to their recovery. Sometimes one can help persons struggling with mental illness (especially bipolar disorder or schizophrenia) decide for themselves which is worse the short periods of time without the medication and side effects, followed by the inevitable resurgence of the illness (often times with worse symptoms than before).....or, the steadier, prolonged times of symptom-free living (or at least more manageable symptoms) while taking the medications, and coping with the side effects? In a recent study, Hamann and colleagues have shown that higher rates of non-compliance with schizophrenia treatment were associated with re-hospitalizations between 6 and 18 months following a previous hospitalization."}, {"questionTitle": "I was recently prescribed an antidepressant. The information sheet from the pharmacy said the medication may increase suicidal thoughts. Is this true?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It is true that antidepressants may increase the risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior in children and young adults up to age 24. However, studies did not show an increased risk beyond age 24. Also, studies show that older adults (ages 65 and older) taking antidepressants actually have a decreased risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior. The information sheet that came with the medication may be intimidating but if you know what signs to look for, depression can be safely treated."}, {"questionTitle": "I have heard that there may be negative effects associated with stopping antidepressants. Is this true?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Yes, this is true. The effects you may experience if you abruptly stop an antidepressant medication are known as discontinuation or withdrawal symptoms. Up to eighty percent of patients who abruptly stop taking antidepressants develop discontinuation symptoms. These symptoms generally appear within days of stopping an antidepressant and can last up to two weeks. If the antidepressant is restarted, the discontinuation symptoms are quickly eliminated. In order to avoid withdrawal symptoms associated with stopping these drugs, the dosages are often reduced gradually by your health care provider. Therefore, you should never abruptly stop taking your antidepressant medication. You should always consult your doctor or pharmacist before discontinuing any medication. Finally, be sure to maintain a sufficient amount of antidepressant medications at all times by refilling your prescriptions regularly."}, {"questionTitle": "I was told by my doctor that I need to take the medication for the rest of my life. Is it absolutely true that I will have to take the medication for the rest of my life?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There are a few things to consider when thinking about long-term treatment of mental illness. Similar to the treatment of high blood pressure and diabetes, a person can be on medications for many years, even a lifetime. The reason for this is that they are prescribed by doctors to help relieve symptoms or put disorders in remission but not be a cure in most cases. Most important, medication treatment needs to be tailored to the person depending on the type of symptoms and response to treatment. Tailored medication treatments are decisions that are made between the person and doctor. There is some evidence that the longer a person has suffered with a mental illness the longer the person may need to stay on the medications. A person is more likely to need medications for a longer period of time if 1) you have been suffering with a mental illness continuously for 2 years or longer; 2) you have had repeated relapses of the illness; 3) you need combinations of medications to control your symptoms. The good news is some exciting evidence that the sooner a person is treated for a mental illness the better the response will be."}, {"questionTitle": "Mention some facts about Mental Health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Below are a list of Mental Health Facts 1. 1 out of every 5 young people suffers from some form of diagnosable mental illness. 2. About 19% of young people contemplate or attempt suicide each year. 3. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among people ages 1524, and the second leading cause of death in college students ages 2024. 4. Over 66% of young people with a substance use disorder have a co-occurring mental health problem. Teens diagnosed with depression are five times more likely to attempt suicide as adults than adults without psychiatric illness. 5. Over 2/3 of young people do not talk about or seek help for mental health problems. 6. 44% of college students in America reported feeling symptoms of depression. 7. 4 out of every 5 young people that contemplate or attempt suicide exhibit clear warning signs. 8. 8090% of people that seek the necessary form of mental health treatment can function the way they used to. 9. Stereotypes are one of the largest barriers preventing young people from seeking the help they need. 10. An estimated 5 million young females suffer from eating disorders each year and eating disorders are the deadliest mental illness claiming more lives than any other illness."}, {"questionTitle": "What is insomnia disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Previously referred to as primary insomnia, insomnia disorder is dissatisfaction with sleep quantity or quality and must be associated with symptoms such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, or waking up earlier than desired and not being able to fall back asleep. The sleep troubles need to occur at least three nights per week for at least three months, and, functional impairment must be present meaning the symptoms need to be causing the patient distress or otherwise interfering with everyday life."}, {"questionTitle": "What is major depressive disorder (MDD)?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Most people have heard of depression, but not everyone knows its official name major depressive disorder (MDD). Someone can be diagnosed with depression if they have at least five of these symptoms persistently low or depressed mood, decreased interest in or inability to get pleasure from activities, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, lack of energy, poor concentration, appetite changes, psychomotor slowing or agitation, sleep disturbances, or suicidal thoughts. Importantly, one of those symptoms must be depressed mood, or decreased interest or pleasure causing social or occupational impairment, which refers to difficulty or inability to experience pleasure."}, {"questionTitle": "How to Help Your Mental Health While Living with Prostate Cancer?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Between 30% and 50% of all people with prostate cancer report serious changes to their mental health after diagnosis. Common mental health symptoms include - Depression - Anxiety - Stress Use our tips to stay on top of your mental health while adjusting to life with prostate cancer 1. Stay Informed 2. Involve Your Primary Care Giver 3. Talk to a Counselor 4. Spend Time with Friends 5. Exercise and Meditate 6. Connect with Other People with Prostate Cancer 7. Get Enough Sleep 8. Focus on What You Can Control 9. Continue to Work On Mental Health After Treatment"}, {"questionTitle": "What Is Racial Trauma?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Whether its subtle everyday discrimination or constant news about violence against people of color over time, the insulting and dehumanising effects of racism can add up to what experts call racial trauma. The intensity of racial trauma can vary from person to person. In some cases, the symptoms can look a lot like PTSD. It may cause you to revisit distressing events in your head constantly and affect your overall well-being. Symptoms of racial trauma include 1. Increased alertness and avoidance of perceived threats 2. Chronic stress 3. Irregular sleeping patterns 4. Aggressive behaviour 5. Low self-esteem 6. Substance abuse 7. Feeling disconnected from others 8. Avoiding interactions with people 9. Avoiding new opportunities or taking risks If you dont treat the symptoms, racial trauma can bleed into daily life and affect your ability to function properly, concentrate at work, and maintain relationships with your family and friends."}, {"questionTitle": "How Does Racism Affect Your Physical Health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Dealing with racist behaviour regularly, be it subtle or upfront, can definitely shake your mental well-being. It also causes your body to release stress hormones that put you in a heightened, alert state. This can result in physical problems that lead to illness such as 1. Inflammation 2. High cortisol levels 3. High blood pressure 4. Increased heart rate 5. Decreased immune function"}, {"questionTitle": "How to Deal With Racism and Racial Trauma?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "While you may not to be able to change how people treat you, curb racist behavior within society, or battle systemic racism in the near future, there are things you can do to improve your mood and take better care of your emotional and physical health. 1. Talk about your experiences 2. Name your emotions 3. Locate and identify what triggers you 4. Connect with someone who inspires and motivates you. 5. Take a break from anything or anyone who may trigger those feelings. 6. Connect with others who have similar experiences. 7. Join organizations that fight racism and create positive change. 8. Get professional mental health help."}, {"questionTitle": "Is Depression Different in Older Adults?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Feelings of deep sadness or anxiety are not due to aging. They are signs of depression, a serious mood disorder that can affect the way you feel, think, and act. Older adults are at an increased risk of depression because 80% have at least one lasting, or chronic, health condition and 50% have two or more illnesses, which can limit your ability to function. Social isolation is a significant cause of depression among older adults. Humans need social connections to thrive."}, {"questionTitle": "How Is Psychotic Depression Different Than Other Mental Disorders?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "While people with other mental disorders, like schizophrenia, also experience psychotic symptoms (delusions and hallucinations), people with psychotic depression typically have symptoms that reflect irrational levels of despair and negativism, such as profound feelings of hopelessness, being punished, or having committed a sin. People also may be ashamed or embarrassed and try to hide their psychotic symptoms, or minimize their intensity, which can make diagnosing this condition difficult. In psychotic depression, delusions and hallucinations also are not present unless a depressive syndrome also is present."}, {"questionTitle": "What Are the Symptoms of Psychotic Depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "1. Anxiety -- fear and nervousness 2. Agitation 3. Paranoia 4. Insomnia -- difficulty falling and staying asleep 5. Physical immobility 6. Intellectual impairment 7. Hallucinations (false perceptions) 8. Delusions (fixed, false beliefs)"}, {"questionTitle": "What Are the Symptoms of Dysthymia?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Symptoms of dysthymia include 1. Difficulty sleeping 2. Loss of interest in activities or the ability to enjoy oneself 3. Excessive feelings of guilt or worthlessness 4. Loss of energy or fatigue 5. Difficulty concentrating, thinking or making decisions 6. Changes in appetite 7. Thoughts of death or suicide Dysthymia differs from major depression in that dysthymia involves fewer of the above symptoms than occurs in major depression. To be diagnosed with dysthymia, symptoms must persist for at least two years in adults or one year in children or adolescents."}, {"questionTitle": "What Are the Symptoms of Depressive Disorder with Seasonal Pattern?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "People who suffer from depressive disorder with seasonal pattern have the symptoms of a major depressive episode. These can include sadness, irritability, loss of interest in their usual activities, withdrawal from social activities, and inability to concentrate. But some symptoms of a winter pattern may be more likely to occur than in a summer pattern. Symptoms of depression with a winter pattern may include the seasonal occurrence of 1. Fatigue 2. Increased need for sleep 3. Difficulty concentrating 4. Increased desire to be alone Symptoms of depression with a summer pattern may include the seasonal occurrence of 1. Weight loss 2. Trouble sleeping 3. Decreased appetite"}, {"questionTitle": "What Causes Depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There is not just one cause of depression. It is a complex disease that can occur as a result of a multitude of different factors, including biology and emotional and environmental factors. For people biologically vulnerable to depression, it may sometimes start with a significant life event, such as the loss of a loved one or a change in one's life or after being diagnosed with a serious disease. For others, depression may just occur for no apparent \"reason.\" In fact, there does not need to be any apparent \"reason\" for the symptoms of depression to occur in people who are vulnerable to the illness."}, {"questionTitle": "How Is Depression Diagnosed?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The diagnosis of depression often begins with a medical and psychiatric history and possibly also a physical exam by a health care provider. Screening and treatment can be managed by a primary care doctor or a mental health professional. Although there are no laboratory tests to specifically diagnose depression, the health care provider may use various tests to look for other medical conditions as the cause of the symptoms. If another medical condition is ruled out, your health care provider may begin treatment with a medicine for depression, or may refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist for evaluation. Diagnosis is based on the intensity and duration of symptoms -- including any problems with functioning caused by the symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "How Is Depression Treated?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The most common treatment for depression includes the combination of antidepressant drugs, including selective-serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), and tricyclic antidepressants, and psychotherapy (talk therapy). Sometimes a combination of medicines is used to treat depression. Sometimes, certain atypical antipsychotic medicines or other drugs (such as lithium or other mood stabilizers) may be used in combination with antidepressants, when antidepressants alone are not fully effective at treating depression. Electroconvulsive therapy, also called ECT, an intranasal ketamine spray, or transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) therapy, may all be used when highly severe depression is disabling and unresponsive to other forms of therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "What Is the Outlook for People With Depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The outlook for depressed people who seek treatment is very promising. By working with a qualified and experienced mental health care professional, you can regain control of your life."}, {"questionTitle": "When a Child Needs Mental Health Assessment?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Just like adults, children can get mental health assessments that involve a series of observations and tests by professionals. Since it can be hard for very young children to explain what theyre thinking and feeling, the particular screening measures often depend on the childs age. The doctor will also ask parents, teachers, or other caregivers about what theyve noticed. A pediatrician can do these evaluations, or you may get referred to another professional who specializes in childrens mental health."}, {"questionTitle": "How Does Hypnotherapy Work?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hypnotherapy is usually considered an aid to psychotherapy (counselling), rather than a treatment in itself. It helps with psychotherapy because the hypnotic state allows people to enter a deep state of relaxation that can better allow them to explore painful thoughts, feelings, and memories they might have hidden from their conscious minds. In addition, hypnosis enables people to perceive some things differently, such as blocking an awareness of pain. Hypnotherapy can be used in two ways, as suggestion therapy or for patient analysis. 1. Suggestion therapy The hypnotic state makes the person better able to respond to suggestions. Therefore, hypnotherapy can help some people stop certain behaviours, such as smoking or nail-biting. 2. Analysis This approach was historically used to induce a relaxed and uninhibited state to find suspected unconscious causes of a disorder or symptom, such as a traumatic past event that a person has hidden in their unconscious memory."}, {"questionTitle": "What Are the Benefits of Hypnotherapy?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The hypnotic state allows a person to be more open to discussion and suggestion. It can improve the success of other treatments for many conditions, including 1. Phobias, fears, and anxiety 2. Sleep disorders 3. Depression 4. Stress 5. Post-trauma anxiety 6. Grief and loss It also might be used to help with pain control and to overcome habits, such as smoking or overeating. It also might be helpful for people whose symptoms are severe or who need crisis management."}, {"questionTitle": "What Are the Drawbacks of Hypnotherapy?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hypnotherapy might not be appropriate for a person who has psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations and delusions, or for someone who is using drugs or alcohol. It should be used for pain control only after a doctor has evaluated the person for any physical disorder that might require medical or surgical treatment. Some therapists use hypnotherapy to recover repressed memories they believe are linked to the person's mental disorder. However, hypnosis also poses a risk of creating false memories -- usually as a result of unintended suggestions by the therapist. For this reason, the use of hypnosis for certain mental disorders remains controversial."}, {"questionTitle": "Is Hypnotherapy Dangerous?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hypnotherapy is not a dangerous procedure. It is not mind control or brainwashing. A therapist cannot make a person do something embarrassing or that the person doesn't want to do. The greatest risk, as discussed above, is that false memories can be created."}, {"questionTitle": "Who Performs Hypnotherapy?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hypnotherapy is performed by a licensed or certified mental health professional who is specially trained in this technique."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the impact of Vitamins on Mental Health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Various mental health conditions could have adverse effects on your lifestyle. Among them is depression, a condition that is associated with a lack of some vitamins. It is the most common mental health condition. Statistics show that more than 19 million Americans nearly 8% of the U.S. population have experienced depression. It affects people of all ages, races, socioeconomic backgrounds, and ethnicities. A diet that includes vitamin B complex helps boost mental health. Vitamin B deficiency could negatively influence your memory function, and cause cognitive impairment and dementia. Vitamin B contributes to the complexity of depressive symptoms. Low levels of folate have been linked to depression. Vitamin supplements such as folic acid (a synthetic form of folate also known as vitamin B9) combined with antidepressants can boost relief in women. Folic acid helps the body make healthy red blood cells."}, {"questionTitle": "Does Lack of Sleep Cause Mental Illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Severe sleep deprivation can cause many mental health issues. People who stay awake for days at a time show symptoms of psychosis, including hallucinations and disordered thinking. But these situations arent typical. Some people have a combination of mental health and sleep concerns. Many people with mental illnesses such as depression report problems falling asleep or staying asleep. But doctors can't always tell if a lack of sleep led to mental illness or the other way around. Some experts think that long-term (or chronic) sleep problems raise the risk for certain mental illnesses. At the same time, some mental conditions can cause problems with sleep. Treating sleep problems may ease mental health symptoms. Or you may start sleeping better when you address your mental health."}, {"questionTitle": "Mention some Tips for Getting Better Sleep?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Getting more sleep or better quality sleep may improve your mental health. Here are some tips to make falling asleep and staying asleep easier. 1. Turn off screens. The blue light from phones, computers, or TVs can make it harder to fall asleep. 2. Avoid caffeine. Coffee, tea, and sodas can affect sleep. 3. Be more active. Getting more physical activity can make you more tired at bedtime. 4. Don't take naps. Instead of napping, power through until bedtime, so you're tired then. 5. Create a calming space. Keep your bedroom clean, uncluttered, dark, and quiet to promote relaxation and sleep. 6. Mediation. Meditation or conscious relaxation can help relax your mind and body to promote sleep. 7. Melatonin. Melatonin is a dietary supplement that increases sleepiness. 8. Keep regular hours. Try to go to bed and wake up around the same time every day. 9. Watch what you eat. Heavy meals or too much alcohol at night can interfere with sleep. 10. Keep a sleep journal. Note your daily activities, meals, mealtimes, and how you slept so you can spot patterns."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the Benefits of Journaling?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Whether youre dealing with stress from school, burnout from work, an illness, or anxiety, journaling can help in many ways 1. It can reduce your anxiety. 2. It helps with brooding. 3. It creates awareness. 4. It regulates emotions. 5. It encourages opening up. 6. It can speed up physical healing."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the Impact of Social Isolation on Your Mental Health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Social isolation can affect nearly every aspect of your mental health. Studies show that feelings of isolation can be linked to 1. Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts 2. Less restful sleep 3. Decreased ability to regulate eating 4. More stress, especially in the morning 5. Greater difficulty paying attention and doing complex tasks People of all ages are vulnerable to the effects of social isolation. If you experience loneliness as a pre-teen or teenager, for example, youre more likely to struggle with depression in adulthood. Older adults are vulnerable emotionally and cognitively. Social isolation can cause up to a 40% increase in dementia risk."}, {"questionTitle": "How to cope up with social isolcation?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "No matter how old you are, its important to recognize when you struggle with social isolation. Noticing is the first step to developing healthy coping mechanisms. To cope with social isolation, try to 1. Acknowledge your feelings. Sometimes it seems easier to ignore your feelings when youre struggling, especially when it feels like you have no one to talk to. Take some time to acknowledge that things are hard. If you need to, reach out to a therapist. 2. Get outside. Being outdoors is beneficial to your mental and physical health. The natural light can help to boost your mood and the vitamin D in sunlight can ease symptoms of depression. 3. Reconnect with your interests. If you find you have more time to yourself, think about what solo hobbies you used to enjoy or always wanted to take up. Pursuing a new hobby can redirect your mind and give you something positive to think about. 4. Check in with people you know. When youve been isolated, its easy to feel that people are doing fine without you. Its a common self-fulfilling prophecy brought on by loneliness, and its usually not true unless it causes you to withdraw from others and treat them as though you know they dont care."}, {"questionTitle": "How Sports Help Your Mental Health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "We all know that sports are great for your physical health. But sports also have many psychological benefits. 1. Help moderate stress. About 75% to 90% of doctor visits are for stress-related illnesses. Sports help you manage stress. Exercise causes your body to release endorphins, the chemicals in your brain that relieve pain and stress. It also reduces the levels of stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline. 2. Improve your mood. Playing a sport such as golf or skiing forces you to put aside your worries and concentrate on the task at hand. This helps you clear your mind and calm down. It also helps you sleep better. 3. Boost mental health with team sports. Taking part in sports in a group has a greater impact on mental health than individual sports. 4. Help fight addiction. A study of Norwegian teenagers found that those who played in team sports were less likely to smoke cigarettes and use cannabis as adults. 5. Help with depression. Sports help treat depression. Exercise was found to be as effective as standard antidepressant treatment in one study, with modest amounts of exercise helping to improve depression. 6. Improve serious mental disorders. Exercise can help if you have a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia. It improves some symptoms of schizophrenia, including loss of motivation and thinking difficulties, but is less effective with other symptoms like hallucinations."}, {"questionTitle": "Are there any Negative Effects of Sports on Mental Health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "While sports provide many benefits, they can have negative effects on the mental health of more advanced athletes, especially elite athletes. Elite athletes play at varsity, regional, national, or professional levels. 1. Stress. While sports relieve stress, sometimes they create it. Parents or coaches may push children too hard. Older athletes may place pressure on themselves to perform well. This leads to burnout, which is when an athletes performance worsens despite intense training. 2. Depression. Many high-profile athletes struggle with mental health issues. Researchers say certain factors may increase the risk of depression among athletes. These include injury, retirement from the sport, and performance expectations. Its also possible that there may be underreporting of depression among athletes."}, {"questionTitle": "What are those things that Affect Mental Health at Work?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Some things that may affect your mental health in the workplace include 1. Excessive workload. A heavy workload could cause employee burnout. Burnout, or exhaustion, is a common cause of mental health problems in the workplace. Burnt out employees cannot work efficiently. This can mean losses or lessened profits for the employer. Many companies dedicate a budget to help their employees take care of their mental health. 2. Poor pay. Constant pressure to make more money eventually affects your mental health. When employees are underpaid and overworked, mental conditions like anxiety and depression are more likely to happen. 3. Stigma. Mental health is still a delicate topic for many. Not many people are comfortable speaking up about their personal mental struggles with co-workers.."}, {"questionTitle": "How to prevent Mental Health Issues in the Workplace?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "When you have a mental health issue related to work, experts recommend asking for help from a professional and other people close to you. Most organizations have an employee assistance program. If you feel you need more help than whats available through your employer, talk to your doctor. Mental health can be treated through various forms of therapy. Your doctor may prescribe medications or recommend other alternatives like psychotherapy."}, {"questionTitle": "How to Deal with Homesickness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "1. Know that its normal. Being in a new place and missing your home, family, friends, and pets, is completely normal. It means that you have a healthy attachment to your loved ones. It will take a while to adjust to your new surroundings. 2. Attend events or take classes. Some companies or universities organise events for international employees or students, and this may encourage you to learn more about your new place of residence, and meet new people. 3. Be active. Taking part in sports and physical activities can help you take your mind off your homesickness and boost your mood. Team sports can also help you make new social connections and find social support. 4. Make friends with locals. It may help you adjust more easily to your new place if you get to know some locals, especially if youre from somewhere thats very different. 5. Gratitude journal. Journaling can help with your feelings of homesickness. Every night, try writing down three things youre grateful for and three things youre looking forward to the next day."}, {"questionTitle": "How to Use Yoga to Improve Your Mental Health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The best way to learn yoga is with a qualified teacher, either in a private session or in a group. A yoga teacher can correct your poses and show you how to modify them if necessary. You can use blocks, straps, and other items to make some poses easier. You can even do yoga in a chair instead of on the floor. It's also possible to learn yoga online or from a book or DVD. But the best way to avoid injury is to take an in-person yoga class. Once you have the basics down, you can use books and videos to help you practice. You will benefit more from yoga if you do it at home between classes, and online classes can keep your home practice interesting. If you are comfortable doing yoga at home, you can practice when you experience extra stress, sleeplessness, or other challenges."}, {"questionTitle": "Who Treats Mental Illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Many health care professionals do this, including 1. Primary care doctor These doctors are either MDs or DOs who have general knowledge in treating a wide variety of common conditions. They are sometimes called general practitioners. 2. Physician assistant (PA) These caregivers are not doctors, but they are trained to identify symptoms of mental illness and to treat mental disorders under a doctors supervision. 3. Nurse practitioner These registered nurses (RNs) have extra training, including some background in treating psychiatric problems. 4. Psychiatrist These are medical doctors (MDs) who specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of mental illnesses. Psychiatrists can prescribe drugs as part of their treatment plan. They are also trained in psychotherapy, a form of counseling or talk therapy. 5. Psychologist These experts arent MDs, but they have advanced degrees in psychology (PhD or PsyD). They are trained in counseling, psychotherapy, and psychological testing. They cannot prescribe drugs to treat mental illnesses except in certain states. 6. Social worker These specialists can provide counseling services and social service needs. They are trained to recognize mental illness and can do psychotherapy. 7. Psychiatric nurse specialist These are registered nurses (RNs) who specialize in treating mental or psychiatric illnesses."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the benefits of listening to Music?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Whether youre on edge or need a boost, even just one song can bring you back to a more even and healthy place. When it comes to your mental health, music can 1. Help you rest better. A study involving students found that listening to relaxing classical music at bedtime improved sleep quality. This activity was also associated with decreased signs of depression. 2. Lift your mood. Research shows that listening to happier music can make you feel happier, especially if you try to lift your mood while listening. Theres also evidence that formal music therapy can help with depression when used alongside other therapies. 3. Reduce stress. If youre feeling anxious or stressed, calming music can help to settle your mind. Several studies have shown that when people undergoing surgery hear calming music, they have lower blood pressure and need less pain medication than those who dont listen to soothing music."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the Impact of Spirituality on Mental Health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Spirituality influences many decisions that people make. It encourages people to have better relationships with themselves, others, and the unknown. Spirituality can help you deal with stress by giving you a sense of peace, purpose, and forgiveness. It often becomes more important in times of emotional stress or illness. Many people with a mental illness get a sense of hope by talking with a religious or spiritual leader. Some mental illnesses can be seen as times when people question their value or purpose in a way that leaves them feeling pessimistic. It can be extremely helpful to include spirituality in the treatment of mental health difficulties."}, {"questionTitle": "What Are the Dangers of Suppressed Anger?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Suppressed, unexpressed anger can be an underlying cause of anxiety and depression. Anger that is not appropriately expressed can disrupt relationships, affect thinking and behavior patterns, and create a variety of physical problems. Chronic (long-term) anger has been linked to health issues such as high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems. In addition, poorly managed anger can be linked to problems such as alcohol and substance abuse, crime, emotional and physical abuse, and other violent behavior."}, {"questionTitle": "What Steps Can I Take to Help Manage My Anger?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "1. When you start feeling angry, try deep breathing, positive self-talk, or stopping your angry thoughts. 2. Avoid alcohol or illicit drugs that can make you more likely to act on angry feelings impulsively. 3. Although expressing anger is better than keeping it in, anger should be expressed in an appropriate way. 4. Seek out the support of others. Talk through your feelings and try to work on changing your behaviors. 5. Try to gain a different perspective by putting yourself in another's place. 6. Learn how to laugh at yourself and see humor in situations. 7. Practice good listening skills. Listening can help improve communication and can facilitate trusting feelings between people. This trust can help you deal with potentially hostile emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I Have Clinical Depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Are you wondering if you have clinical depression? This quiz may help you tell if you're at risk. Don't hesitate to ask for help; depression can be treated. 1. Have you been in a depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day for at least two weeks? 2. Have you lost interest or pleasure in most daily activities, nearly every day for at least two weeks? 3. Have you experienced a significant weight change (at least five pounds) either loss or gain recently? 4. Has your appetite changed (increased or decreased) for an extended period? 5. Have you suffered from insomnia or hypersomnia (oversleeping), nearly every day for at least two weeks? 6. Have you felt tired or experienced a loss of energy during the day, nearly every day for at least two weeks? 7. Have you had guilty feelings or feelings of worthlessness nearly every day for at least two weeks? 8. Have you had difficulty thinking, concentrating, or making decisions nearly every day? 9. Have you had any thoughts of death or any thoughts of suicide without any specific plan? a) Did you mark yes for either question 1 or 2? b) Did you mark yes four or more times in questions 3-9? If you responded yes to both (a) and (b), you may be suffering from an episode of major depression. If your symptoms are disabling and severe over a few weeks -- and especially if you are having suicidal thoughts -- you should seek professional treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "If Im feeling suicidal, what should I do?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Depressive episodes, as theyre called, can raise the chances of suicidal thoughts. Theyre an emergency, so tell your doctor immediately or call 988 or 911 if this happens to you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is behavioral health important?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Behavioral health is important because it looks at a larger picture that includes mental health. It considers how a single behavior can be both a cause and effect, with consequences across multiple health domains."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the similarities between Mental and behavioral health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health is a component of behavioral health. Mental health is often the why behind certain behaviors, or the lack thereof. A 2018 study, for example, found that positive mental health features like high self-esteem predicted more beneficial behavioral outcomes among low-income inner-city youth. But behavioral health can also overlap with mental health. For example, depriving yourself of sleep is a behavior that has both physical and psychological consequences. Research has shown that inadequate sleep significantly increases the odds of experiencing regular mental distress. From a behavioral perspective, however, sleep deprivation has a larger wellness effect. It has also been associated with obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease."}, {"questionTitle": "How to change my eating habits for better mental health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "As research shows us more about how the foods we eat can affect our bodies, we gain more tools in our nutritional toolbox that we can use to help improve our overall health and mental well-being on a daily basis. Whole foods provide many nutrients that ultra-processed foods lack, which in turn supports all of our bodys functions in order to promote health and wellness. Start simple by adding a piece of fruit as a snack or by adding fresh or frozen vegetables into your meals. Take steps to decrease your intake of ultra-processed foods over time and limit them to only occasional use. Examples of ultra-processed foods would be items such as soft drinks, hot dogs, packaged cookies, or sweetened breakfast cereals"}, {"questionTitle": "What About Depression Later In Life?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "For older adults who experience depression for the first time later in life, other factors, such as changes in the brain or body, may be at play. For example, older adults may suffer from restricted blood flow, a condition called ischemia. Over time, blood vessels become less flexible. They may harden and prevent blood from flowing normally to the bodys organs, including the brain. If this occurs, an older adult with no family or personal history of depression may develop what some doctors call vascular depression. Those with vascular depression also may be at risk for a coexisting cardiovascular illness, such as heart disease or a stroke."}, {"questionTitle": "What Efforts Are Underway To Improve Treatment Of Depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Researchers are looking for ways to better understand, diagnose and treat depression among all groups of people. Studying strategies to personalize care for depression, such as identifying characteristics of the person that predict which treatments are more likely to work, is an important goal."}, {"questionTitle": "The Symphony of Compassion", "questionText": "In human relations, compassion creates a symphony of hearts that resonate with empathy.", "answerText": "Compassion is the conductor that orchestrates a symphony of hearts in human relations. It's the melody that plays in harmony with each person's pain and joy. With compassion, we create a masterpiece of understanding and support, bridging the gaps between us."}, {"questionTitle": "The Magic of Unspoken Love", "questionText": "Unspoken love becomes the enchanting spell that weaves hearts together in human relations.", "answerText": "Unspoken love becomes the enchanting spell that weaves hearts together in the tapestry of human relations. It's the magic that lingers in a smile, the warmth of a touch, and the sparkle in the eyes. With unspoken love, we connect on a soul level, knowing that our hearts speak the same language."}, {"questionTitle": "The Comfort of Shared Traditions", "questionText": "In human relations, shared traditions become the heartwarming rituals that strengthen bonds.", "answerText": "Shared traditions become the heartwarming rituals that strengthen bonds in human relations. They are the holiday celebrations, the family gatherings, and the customs that we cherish together. With shared traditions, we create a tapestry of connection and belonging that spans generations."}, {"questionTitle": "The Language of Love", "questionText": "In human relations, love becomes the universal language that transcends all barriers.", "answerText": "Love is the universal language that transcends all barriers in human relations. It's the unspoken words, the gestures of affection, and the bonds that form between souls. With love, we create a connection that knows no boundaries, uniting us in the beauty of our shared humanity."}, {"questionTitle": "The Beauty of Shared Laughter", "questionText": "In the tapestry of human relations, shared laughter becomes the thread that weaves joy.", "answerText": "Shared laughter becomes the thread that weaves joy into the tapestry of human relations. It's the fabric of happiness, the stitches of mirth, and the pattern of shared amusement. With shared laughter, we create a connection that brings lightness to our hearts and fills our lives with joy."}, {"questionTitle": "The Comfort of Shared Memories", "questionText": "In the embrace of human relations, shared memories become the anchors that bind hearts.", "answerText": "Shared memories become the anchors that bind hearts in the embrace of human relations. They are the milestones we cherish, the moments that make us smile, and the chapters we write together. With shared memories, we create a bond that stands the test of time and weaves a story of connection."}, {"questionTitle": "The Language of Empathy", "questionText": "Empathy is the language that bridges the gap and forges connections in human relations.", "answerText": "Empathy is the language that bridges the gap between hearts in human relations. It's the ability to understand, to feel with, and to stand beside each other. With empathy, we create a connection that is built on understanding, compassion, and mutual respect."}, {"questionTitle": "The Art of Giving", "questionText": "In human relations, the art of giving becomes a heartfelt expression of love.", "answerText": "The art of giving becomes a heartfelt expression of love in human relations. It's the selfless act, the thoughtful gesture, and the gift of time and presence. With the art of giving, we create connections that are nurtured by generosity and kindness."}, {"questionTitle": "The Dance of Encouragement", "questionText": "Encouragement is the dance that propels dreams and nurtures connections in human relations.", "answerText": "Encouragement is the dance that propels dreams and nurtures connections in human relations. It's the partner that supports and uplifts, the rhythm that inspires and motivates. With the dance of encouragement, we create a bond that helps us reach for the stars and celebrate each other's successes."}, {"questionTitle": "The Symphony of Support", "questionText": "In human relations, support becomes the symphony that strengthens and sustains hearts.", "answerText": "Support becomes the symphony that strengthens and sustains hearts in human relations. It's the harmony that accompanies each other through thick and thin, the melody that lifts us up during tough times, and the rhythm of unwavering presence. With support, we create a connection that echoes with care and understanding."}, {"questionTitle": "The Beauty of Shared Dreams", "questionText": "In the canvas of human relations, shared dreams become vivid works of art.", "answerText": "Shared dreams are the vivid works of art we paint together in human relations. They are the constellation of aspirations, the sketches of desires, and the brushstrokes of ambition. With shared dreams, we find support, encouragement, and inspiration to chase the stars."}, {"questionTitle": "The Sanctuary of Safe Spaces", "questionText": "Safe spaces in human relations become the sanctuaries where hearts find refuge.", "answerText": "In the embrace of human relations, safe spaces are the sanctuaries where hearts find refuge. They are the spaces where vulnerability is met with understanding, where tears are met with compassion, and where fears are met with comfort. In the embrace of safe spaces, we discover the power of healing and growth."}, {"questionTitle": "How Can Treatment-Resistant Depression Be Treated?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Treatment of resistant depression has most commonly been treated with electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). ECT has been modified to avoid the pain previously associated with it and is the most effective and quick-acting treatment for resistant depression. The downside is that it works by inducing brain seizures and can impair memory. Its therapeutic benefits can also fade over time. New methods of brain stimulation also offer the possibility of relief. These technologies exploit the fact that the brain is an electrical organ it responds to electrical and magnetic stimulation to modulate brain circuits and change brain activity."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the risks of untreated depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Untreated depression can increase risk of depressive episodes becoming more frequent, prolonged and/or severe over time and increase risk of suicide. It can significantly interfere with ones functioning at work, school, and/or in interpersonal relationships. Depression can also increase risk of alcohol and/or substance use disorders. Additionally, depression can worsen the course and outcome of chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and others."}, {"questionTitle": "What are other psychiatric conditions that can co-exist with depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Anxiety disorders and substance use disorders are some of the psychiatric conditions commonly found co-existing with major depressive disorder. Other psychiatric conditions too, such as post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders, can co-occur with depression."}, {"questionTitle": "What is self-management?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Self-management courses can help you better understand your mental health condition and consider what helps you stay well. They can also help you plan for times when youre unwell or in a crisis. Theyre often designed and/or delivered by people with lived experience of mental ill-health. Courses usually include 1. information about your condition and ways to treat it 2. ways to recognise early warning signs of a relapse 3. coping skills to deal with your symptoms They can also help you feel more assertive when asking mental health services for the support you need. Courses are free and provided by the NHS as well as other groups and organisations. Some are in-person, while others are online - either through live video calls or online videos you can work through at your own pace. As well as courses, self-management can include webinars, health and wellbeing plans you can complete yourself, or wellness recovery action plans (WRAPS)."}, {"questionTitle": "Is self-management right for me?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Courses can cover challenging topics, so it might not be right for you if youre unwell or have recently been hospitalised for your mental health condition. You also have to be able to manage being in a group, often for several hours at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "How do self-management courses work?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Self-management courses are based on the principle that you know what works best for you better than anyone else. During a course, you'll typically learn to 1. recognise what triggers a relapse in your mental health condition 2. spot the early warning signs of a relapse 3. identify what, if anything, can prevent a relapse 4. figure out which coping strategies work best for you 5. tap into other sources of support like local peer support groups 6. build coping strategies into your life 7. make an action plan 7. draw up an advance decision and/or advance statement setting out how you'd like to be treated if you ever lack the mental capacity to make decisions about treatment in the future"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find a self-management course?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Ask your GP or other health worker involved in your care about self-management courses on the NHS, or search online to find out whats available in your area. You may need a referral or be able to refer yourself. Other organisations also run self-management courses, such as 1. Self Management UK runs free courses that look at the challenges that can come with a mental health condition and ways to deal with them. 2. Bipolar UK has a series of free self-management webinars that can help you understand bipolar disorder, learn different approaches to managing it, identify your triggers, and more. 3. If you live in Scotland, Bipolar Scotland runs a self-management course that teaches you how to recognise your early warning signs and take action to prevent your mood from escalating to severe depression or mania."}, {"questionTitle": "Does generalized anxiety disorder run in families?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Having a family member with GAD appears to heighten ones risk slightly for developing it. The family influence appears to be related to both genetic and environmental sources. There may be, for instance, a genetic predisposition for a person to be at greater risk for having generalized anxiety disorder, but its not something activated in everyone who has the predisposition."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the best way to treat children with anxiety disorders?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication are effective in treating children with anxiety disorders. Recent research found that a combination of CBT and an antidepressant worked better for children ages 7-17 than either treatment alone. Because one child may respond better, or sooner, to a particular treatment than another child with the same diagnosis, its important to discuss with your doctor or therapist how to decide which treatment works best for your child and family lifestyle."}, {"questionTitle": "Where else can I go to learn more about anxiety and mood disorders?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "1. Anxiety B.C. www.anxietyBC.com 2. Anxiety Disorders Association of Canada www.anxietycanada.ca 3. Anxiety Disorders Association of Ontario www.anxietydisordersontario.ca 4. MAC Anxiety Research Centre (McMaster University) www.macanxiety.com 5. Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Association www.socialphobia.org 6. The Ontario Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Network www.ocdontario.org 7. The Panic Center www.paniccenter.net"}, {"questionTitle": "What Is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. After traumatic events, such as death, an earthquake, war, car accidents, floods or fires, it is not uncommon for people to experience feelings of heightened fear, worry, sadness or anger. If the emotions persist, however, or become severe, or the person gets triggered into reliving the event in their daily life, this can affect the persons ability to function and may be a sign of PTSD."}, {"questionTitle": "Are There Coping Factors To Help Deal Effectively With Stress?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "In their 20 years of treating and studying trauma survivors, Drs. Dennis Charney and Steven Southwick have identified ten common practices in people who have shown resilience in the face of extreme stress 1. Maintaining an optimistic but realistic outlook 2. Facing fear (ability to confront ones fears) 3. Reliance upon own inner, moral compass 4. Turning to religious or spiritual practices 5. Seeking and accepting social support 6. Imitation of sturdy role models 7. Staying physically fit 8. Staying mentally sharp 9. Cognitive and emotional flexibility (finding a way to accept that which cannot be changed) 10. Looking for meaning and opportunity in the midst of adversity"}, {"questionTitle": "How to treat OCD?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Theres no cure for OCD. But you may be able to manage how your symptoms affect your life through medicine, therapy, or a combination of treatments. Treatments include 1. Psychotherapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help change your thinking patterns. In a form called exposure and response prevention, your doctor will put you in a situation designed to create anxiety or set off compulsions. Youll learn to lessen and then stop your OCD thoughts or actions. 2. Relaxation. Simple things like meditation, yoga, and massage can help with stressful OCD symptoms. 3 .Medication. Psychiatric drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors help many people control obsessions and compulsions. They might take 2 to 4 months to start working. Common ones include citalopram (Celexa), clomipramine (Anafranil), escitalopram (Lexapro), fluoxetine (Prozac), fluvoxamine, paroxetine (Paxil), and sertraline (Zoloft). If you still have symptoms, your doctor might give you antipsychotic drugs like aripiprazole (Abilify) or risperidone (Risperdal). 4. Neuromodulation. In rare cases, when therapy and medication arent making enough of a difference, your doctor might talk to you about devices that change the electrical activity in a certain area of your brain. One kind, transcranial magnetic stimulation, is FDA-approved for OCD treatment. It uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells. A more complicated procedure, deep brain stimulation, uses electrodes that are implanted in your head."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the evidence on vaping?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Though less harmful than smoking cigarettes, vaping still carries potential harms. There is a small exposure to nicotine and possible carcinogens in the vapour. (A carcinogen is a substance that has the potential to cause cancer). Some evidence suggests that young people may be unaware the vaping liquid often contains nicotine. E-cigarettes are not controlled and the nicotine content of vaping liquids varies significantly among brands. Other chemicals, flavourings, and heavy metals present in vaping liquids, have not as yet been well studied. Long-term health risks from vaping are thus undetermined. More research is needed in these areas. Marketing strategies for vaping products, often on social media, are designed to appeal to young people. The range of flavours available, especially those that are fruity and sweet, and the look and feel of vaping devices attract youth. Young people can see vaping as fun and a way to socialize with friends and 'smoke' in a less harmful way."}, {"questionTitle": "When is substance use a problem? Where can I go for help?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Each person has a different relationship with substances like alcohol and other drugs, and people use substances for different reasons. Whats beneficial for some may cause problems for others, or for the same person in different situations. If you or someone you care about needs more help, contact the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service to find support in your area. To get help anywhere in BC, call 1-800-663-1441. In Greater Vancouver, call 604-660-9382."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find help for an alcohol or drug use problem?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Seeking to make changes in the way you use substances like alcohol or other drugs? This can be an important step! One way to get help is to talk to a doctor you trust and feel comfortable confiding in. If you arent comfortable talking in person, you can also get advice from a registered nurse (along with advice on programs or services in your area) by calling HealthLink BC at 8-1-1. Since some drugs are illegal, many people worry about what might happen if they talk about drug use. Its important to know that in most cases, doctors have to protect your privacyits the law. In BC, the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service can help you find information on treatment options, support groups and other resources throughout the province. Its free, confidential, and available 24/7. Call the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service at 1-800-663-1441 or 604-660-9382 in the Lower Mainland."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if Im drinking too much?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Sorting out if you are drinking too much can be complicated. You are unique and your relationship with alcohol is unique. No one has the same combination of life experiences and influences that you do. So even though you and your friend may choose to drink, how and why you use alcohol may be different. Whenever you decide to drink alcohol, it is helpful to know what steps you can take to ensure that your drinking behaviour is the most rewarding and least harmful possible. The following are some useful guidelines to consider. 1. Managing how much you drink on a given occasion helps decrease risky behaviours. 2. Drink slowly and alternate between non-alcoholic and alcoholic beverages. 3. Drinking in moderation helps to reduce harms to ourselves and others over time. 4. Keep less alcohol at home and set limits on how much you are going to drink each week, avoiding drinking on some days. 5. If going to a bar, stay with a group and choose an establishment that is well lit and near safe transportation options."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I have an unhealthy relationship with food?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "To understand what an unhealthy relationship with food looks like, it can be helpful to first have an idea of what a healthy one looks like. A healthy relationship with food can take some work and conscious effort, but it is well worth the work because it allows us to have a flexible, healthy, and balanced relationship with our eating habits and food in general. What are some signs of a healthy relationship with food 1. Moving away from dieting and strict rules around food and eating 2. Being aware of what your body needs and its natural hunger cues 3. Focusing on nutrition over calories"}, {"questionTitle": "Do past or current difficulties in life mean Ill develop a mental health condition?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "No. Many people experience major stress in life, including poverty, unemployment, trauma, abuse, family difficulties, or chronic health problems. Experiencing these stressful situations does not mean you will definitely develop a mental health condition. But if you do experience serious, stressful situations and develop a mental health condition, know that it is not your fault. You can get help and treatment for mental health conditions. Learning ways to manage stress and reaching out for help when you need it can help you protect your mental health."}, {"questionTitle": "How does smoking, drinking alcohol, or misusing drugs affect mental health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The chemicals in tobacco and alcohol can change the chemicals in your brain, making you more likely to feel depressed or anxious. People with mental health conditions are also more likely to smoke and drink alcohol. Using illegal drugs, or misusing prescription drugs, is also linked to mental health conditions. Researchers are not sure whether drugs can cause mental health conditions, whether mental health conditions cause addiction, or whether both are linked to another health problem. People who have experienced trauma, whether physical or emotional (or both), are more likely to misuse drugs and alcohol."}, {"questionTitle": "How does aging affect my mental health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "As you age, your body and brain change. These changes can affect your physical and mental health. Older women may face more stressful living or financial situations than men do, because women live longer on average. They may also have spent more time staying home to raise children or care for loved ones instead of working outside of the home. In the years leading up to menopause (perimenopause), women may experience shifts in mood because of hormone changes. They may also experience hot flashes, problems sleeping, and other symptoms that can make it harder to deal with stress or other life changes."}, {"questionTitle": "How does physical activity affect my mental health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Physical activity can help your mental health in several ways 1. Aerobic exercise can boost your mood. Your body makes certain chemicals, called endorphins, during and after your workout. Endorphins relieve stress and make you feel calmer. 2. Getting physical activity during the day can make it easier to sleep at night. Creating a routine can help you stay motivated and build a habit of getting regular physical activity. 3. Physical activity may help with depression and anxiety symptoms. Studies show that regular aerobic exercise boosts your mood and lowers anxiety and depression. 4. Physical activity may help slow or stop weight gain, which is a common side effect of some medicines used to treat mental health conditions."}, {"questionTitle": "How do traumatic or negative childhood events affect mental health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Two out of every 3 women have experienced at least one serious traumatic or negative event during childhood, increasing their risk of adult health problems, including mental health conditions. 1. Traumatic events can include physical or sexual abuse, neglect, bullying, neighbourhood violence, natural disasters, terrorism, and war. 2. Negative events during childhood can include abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual), neglect, or a problem with an adult in the home, such as seeing domestic violence or having a caregiver go to prison. The more negative childhood events you have experienced, the higher your risk of a serious health problem as an adult. Women are more likely than men to experience certain types of trauma, such as sexual abuse or assault, and are at higher risk of developing a mental health condition."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is womens mental health important?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental disorders can affect women and men differently. Some disorders are more common in women, such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. There are also certain disorders that are unique to women. For example, some women experience symptoms of depression at times of hormone change, such as during or after pregnancy (perinatal depression), around the time of their period (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), and during menopause (perimenopause-related depression)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "If everyone thinks you're worthless, then maybe you need to find new people to hang out with.Seriously, the social context in which a person lives is a big influence in self-esteem.Otherwise, you can go round and round trying to understand why you're not worthless, then go back to the same crowd and be knocked down again.There are many inspirational messages you can find in social media. Maybe read some of the ones which state that no person is worthless, and that everyone has a good purpose to their life.Also, since our culture is so saturated with the belief that if someone doesn't feel good about themselves that this is somehow terrible.Bad feelings are part of living. They are the motivation to remove ourselves from situations and relationships which do us more harm than good.Bad feelings do feel terrible. Your feeling of worthlessness may be good in the sense of motivating you to find out that you are much better than your feelings today."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question and seeking advice on this. Feelings of worthlessness is unfortunately common. In fact, most people, if not all, have felt this to some degree at some point in their life. You are not alone.Changing our feelings is like changing our thoughts - it's hard to do. Our minds are so amazing that the minute you change your thought another one can be right there to take it's place. Without your permission, another thought can just pop in there. The new thought may feel worse than the last one! My guess is that you have tried several things to improve this on your own even before reaching out on here. People often try thinking positive thoughts, debating with their thoughts, or simply telling themselves that they need to \"snap out of it\" - which is also a thought that carries some self-criticism.Some people try a different approach, and there are counselors out there that can help you with this. The idea is that instead of trying to change the thoughts, you change how you respond to them. You learn skills that allow you to manage difficult thoughts and feelings differently so they don't have the same impact on you that they do right now. For some people, they actually DO begin to experience less hurtful thoughts once they learn how to manage the ones they have differently. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy may be a good choice for you.There is information online and even self-help books that you can use to teach you the skills that I mentioned. Because they are skills, they require practice, but many people have found great relief and an enriched life by learning them.As for suicidal thoughts, I am very glad to read that this has not happened to you. Still, you should watch out for this because it can be a sign of a worsening depression. If you begin to think about this, it is important to reach out to a support system right away. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. The text line is #741741.I hope some other colleagues will provide you more suggestions.Be well...Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "First thing I'd suggest is getting the sleep you need or it will impact how you think and feel. I'd look at finding what is going well in your life and what you can be grateful for. I believe everyone has talents and wants to find their purpose in life. I think you can figure it out with some help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Therapy is essential for those that are feeling depressed and worthless. When I work with those that are experiencing concerns related to feeling of depression and issues with self esteem. I generally work with my client to help build coping skills to reduce level of depression and to assist with strengthening self esteem, by guiding my client with CBT practices. CBT helps with gaining a better awareness of how your thought process influences yourbelief system, and how your beliefs impact your actions and the outcome of your behaviors. This process isnt easy but it helps teach an individual that we dont always have control over what happens in our lives but we can control how we interpret, feel, and behave. CBT is good for individuals dealing with depression, anxiety, toxic relationships, stress, self esteem, codependency, etc."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I first want to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings and there is always someone there to help. You can always change your feelings and change your way of thinking by being open to trying to change. You can always make yourself available to learning new things or volunteering so that you can make a purpose for yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Heck, sure thing, hun!Feelings of 'depression' have a deeply-rooted base in physical structures that may not be functioning very well at present; and, we can certainly turn them on again using means that you are able to find around the house and with relative ease :)After that, emotional and spiritual support will be liberally applied."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "You are exhibiting some specific traits of a particular temperament type. Seek out a counselor who provides NCCA temperament therapy and discover the joy of being you -- God loves you as you are!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "That is intense. Depression is a liar. Sometimes depression places these glasses over our eyes, these dark sunglasses that change how we see things.Depression tells us things like \"you're worthless\" \"no one likes you\" \"don't worry about doing anything.\" And it is so easy for us to listen and to be tricked into thinking that just because we feel something means it is true. Please know that even if you are feeling worthless right now, that doesn't mean you are worthless.The first step to working through this is recognizing what is going on. Recognizing when depression is telling you the same story (ie; being worthless) with different words (ie worthless here, worthless there) and making an effort to talk back.While I can not give you a diagnosis of depression, reading what you are going through, it sounds like you might need help to get back on track. Seeing a counselor can open an entirely new option up wherein someone who is not involved in your life can help you without judgement and with an objective perspective. This can do wonders in unwrapping these kinds of thoughts. Wishing you the absolute best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "It sounds like you may be putting yourself last. You wrote that you want to fix your issues but never get around to it. I wonder how you are spending your mental and physical energy. Are you spending time taking care of and doing for others? I also wonder where the thoughts and feelings of being worthless are coming from - are you around people who treat you poorly or are hurtful? Or do you feel it is more of a worry you have but aren't really sure how others feel? It may be helpful to talk to someone about your feelings - a counselor perhaps - to clarify your feelings and move forward from se that are hurting you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "It must be really difficult to experience what your going through right now. It takes a lot of courage to reach out. It sounds like you want to get better, but perhaps need some help to get over the hump. Many of the symptoms you have described are consistent with a person who is dealing with depression. Depression is a treatable condition. Typically, if these symptoms have persisted for more than two weeks, then it is a good idea to seek professional help. Someone who is trained in dealing with depression. Initially, a comprehensive assessment would be completed to rule out any other causes for your symptoms and to determine the exact nature of your presenting concern. Then, in collaboration with one another, a tailored treatment plan would be developed, focusing on how to best help you reach your goals. The good news is that their is hope for getting better! You don;t have to do it alone. Allow me to be your ally in healing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "People who feel worthless were, in one way or another, were told that they are worthless. This is the lie that they are living with. The work of therapy is to help people see their true good selves. This gives them self esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this intense emotion of worthlessness. I'm glad to hear this has not reached the point of suicidal ideation; however, it does sounds like you could use some additional support right now. I would recommend seeking out counseling to help you challenge the negative beliefs you have about yourself. Although many types of therapy would be helpful, cognitive-behavioral therapy has been shown to be a good approach for this type of struggle. A CBT therapist can help you identify your negative thoughts and beliefs, figure out the ways your thoughts are being distorted (for example, all-or-nothing thinking, or discounting the positives about yourself), and reframe your thoughts to be more positive. You might also consider EMDR therapy, which helps the brain reprocess traumatic or distressing memories and helps you move forward with more positive beliefs about yourself. Best wishes!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "It sounds like you may be struggling with depression. Depression can make you feel overwhelmed and paralyzed to change. I would suggest that you connect with a provider who can help you get to the root of where the worthlessness is coming from and help you develop a plan for recovery. In the meantime, small steps can go a long way. Self-care interventions such as journaling your feelings, mindfulness meditation, and regular exercise are all helpful to reconnecting with the present moment and gaining internal motivation. Focusing on one day at a time and bringing your thoughts back to the present can also be beneficial. There is hope!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I'm glad you are interested in changing your feelings of worthlessness. Visiting your doctor is a great first step to address your lack of sleep. First, you want to make sure that you are physically healthy and that there isn't a physical condition causing your problem with sleep.Changing your feelings is something that is difficult to do, especially on your own. Make sure that you have someone you can trust and you can talk to about how you feel. This can be a friend or a family member. If you find that there isn't anyone you would feel comfortable talking to about this issue, find a therapist close to you who can help.One activity that people have found helpful in feeling better about themselves is keeping a gratitude journal. You can do this by journaling daily about the things that you are grateful for. There is no right or wrong way of doing this, as long as you focus your journal entries on the things you are grateful for in life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "You have several things going on here. The sleep should be addressed with a primary care physician to rule out any physical issues. Sleep is the big reset and allows us to function in the day. What happens during a depression is that our thoughts race and it is as though our brain wont shut off. Medication can help with this.I also use a Pranayama yoga breathing technique called the four fold breath which has great usefulness for relaxing us and often does work quite well with allowing us to sleep.. You can read about it here: https://billleavitttherapy.com/breathing-techniques-the-four-fold-breath/Your thoughts on feeling worthless to everyone fall under a heading of thinking error in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) known as overgeneralization. In CBT thoughts lead to emotions, so we are going to pick the statement apart and then reframe it. First list the evidence that contradicts the thought. Has anyone in the past made positive comments toward you? This might be hard to recall if we are in a rut, but at some point in life we frequently have had some positives expressed towards us by others. Everyone is an absolute. The specifics on why you are thinking this need to be addressed. How are you arriving at this conclusion? There may be specific people that we want more validation from. Or specific people might have made offhand hurtful comments, (such as a family member, teacher or co-worker) but if I extrapolate that to a global and think that everyone thinks I am worthless, that thought is not rooted in facts. What are the Pros and Cons of thinking this way? What are the Benefits and Costs? There are very little pros or benefits to thinking this way. Its just going to continue to tear you down and make you feel bad. So can we reframe the thought about the situation? Is there another way of looking at the situation? Again, we need the specifics on how you are arriving at this conclusion, and a one on one therapist can definitely help you with this, but the thinking that you are using to arrive at the conclusion needs to be re-cast into a more helpful mindset."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Hello, you sound like you have so much on your mind! I am relieved to hear that you have never tried or have contemplated suicide, but not being able to sleep, feeling worthless, and like you shouldn't be here are big issues that need addressing.Please get around to counseling. Having someone to listen to you is a gift to yourself. You deserve the help of someone helping you change your feelings of worthlessness. You have not been able to do this alone. It's time to reach out for help. You can do this! Best to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are having some pretty severe depression. Depression can cause insomnia, and make a person focus on their own perceptions that they are \"worthless\". It is important to remember that other people may not truly perceive you as worthless. This is the depression talking. I think that it is extremely important when you are this depressed, to sit down and write down some positives about yourself. What are your strengths? What are some positive things that your have done in your life? It concerns me that you are having suicidal thoughts. It sounds like now is the time to act on the idea of getting some help for yourself. If you feel like you might actually take your life, I would recommend that you go to a hospital emergency room, or a mental health crisis clinic right away to get some help. The most important thing right now is to keep yourself safe. If you are feeling like you are not going to hurt yourself despite your suicidal thoughts, I would recommend that you focus on finding a therapist as soon as possible. I don't know what your situation is in terms of insurance. The back of your insurance card should inform you how to obtain mental health services. There are also low cost services available with such places as Catholic Charities, and others. Your local county mental health agency should be able to refer you to some appropriate places. Good luck. Remember to identify your strengths, and the good things about yourself. Marie"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "You can, for sure... and the first step is to believe you are worthy TO YOURSELF. Recognizing you are in a quest is already a big first step. Taking the time to start figuring out who you are is definitely the next... do so with SELF COMPASSION and kindness. Know this is a process and just look forward for what you might find. I do recommend you find someone to talk to (there are many options out there that can fit the situation you are in), and I also recommend you start by giving yourself the importance to invest some time and effort in this quest. YOU DESERVE IT. There are some excellent TED Talks you can google, great books you can read, or even joining a yoga practice, team or some kind of hobby may help. Anything that shows yourself you are worthy of this effort. Have patience and start!!!! the answer is out there waiting for you. Asking these questions already set you on the right path."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Oftentimes we can change our feelings about ourselves by building a better relationship with ourself. It sounds like there is a very critical aspect of your self that is alive and taking over. Sometimes when we are stuck it is because a part of ourselves, a way that perhaps we learned to cope with difficult situations earlier in our lives, has decided to run the show. Like a highly critical part that may actually be desperately attempting to protect us from a past hurt.Slowing down and even forming a relationship with this critical internal part will help you get some space from it. When we can begin to observe parts of ourselves, be curious about them, get to know them like a new friend, then we have room for other ways of being. Beginning therapy could be a great way to change this feeling of worthlessness. Beginning to build a better relationship and understanding of yourself will deeply influence the relationships around you. This first step may feel hard, to reach out to someone, and it could be the beginning step to a path of radically shifting your relationship with yourself and others in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Feelings of worthlessness often originate from what you learned about yourself when you were young. Improving your self esteem needs focus on that original message from parents, teachers or siblings that may be suppressed. Most of us need help to uncover the \"lie\" because you were born valuable!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "The feeling of being worthless is caused by your inside being not matching your outside result. Your comparison to others and you thinking you need to be someone other than who you are. You are not worthless. No one is worthless. You need to find your worth and not let yourself talk yourself out of the good you find in yourself. I hope these words resonate with you and that you start looking for your worth even if its as simple as I am able to get out of bed and call someone and make a joke."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I am sorry you are feeling this way. We all have narratives that we say to ourselves whether it is valid or not. In your case it would be beneficial to explore when and how this belief began and rewrite your story. There are different ways to explore and rewrite. This process requires commitment, self-reflection and courage."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Let me start by saying there are never too many concerns that you can bring into counselling. In fact, most people who come to see me for counselling have more than one issue they would like to work on in psychotherapy and most times these are all interconnected. In counselling, we work together, collaboratively, to figure out which issues you would like to address first and then together we develop an individualized plan of care. Basically, its like a road map of where you want to go, how are you going to get there, looking at stopovers, some scenic routes others possibly not so scenic, however, necessary. Of course, these plans can also change due to internal (what we have control over like our thoughts, feelings and behaviours) or external reasons (those things that are outside our control). I would encourage you to take the next step and reach out to a professional you can trust and build rapport with by co-journeying through whatever concerns you have by examining what has been working so far as you have learned to cope with some of your issues like insomnia, depression and anxiety, as well as being a breast cancer survivor. Then to help you by developing new coping strategies. Psychotherapy can be such a powerful tool to help you get to where it is you want to be. I know you can do it and you will see first-hand how psychotherapy will help you to move past these points in your life where you are feeling stuck.I like to quote Nike where their motto is,just do it.You can do it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It is never too late to get help and begin making significant changes and improvements in your life. The right time is when you feel ready and open to change. Sometimes when we have a history of trauma, like sexual abuse, the impact of that trauma can affect many areas of our lives as adults. Working with a therapist who specializes in trauma is a great way to begin developing skills to manage present day life, learn to regulate your emotions and nervous system when you become triggered, and then in a safe environment have the opportunity to process past traumas so you can live your present life with more ease and joy. People can and do recover from the impacts of trauma at any stage in their life. It is never too late and you can feel better"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You have been through so much and it sounds like you have a lot of things that have complied over the years. Regardless of the struggles you have been through, you do not have too many issues for counseling. Many times when someone starts out their counseling and healing journey, there are multiple things they would like to address and work on. If you decide to start counseling, you and your therapist can decide collaboratively what you would like to process and work on first. Be sure to express to your counselor if any of the above experiences you've been through is causing a lot of distress , as many times the first things addressed are the ones that are presently affecting your life or you emotionally.Often times when we experience negative situations in our life , but do not address them, they bottle up inside us and can manifest in other ways, such as depression or even physical symptoms like IBS or neck pain. Counseling can give these bottled up emotions and situations a release. Given the situation you shared, not only do I not think that you have too many issues for counseling, but believe that you will be a great candidate and can get a lot from it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not. I strongly recommending working on one issue/need at a time. In therapy you will set smart goals and objectives that will help you reach your goals. I see you as a survivor and not a victim. Best wishes to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not! In fact, most people have many issues, A lot lot of the issues you are describing commonly go hand in hand ( in \"therapy speak\" we call it co-morbid conditions)I would venture that most of the feelings you are struggling with stem from your early trauma. You would benifit tremendously from counseling! A good therapist will develope a treatment plan that addresses all of your needs. With help you could definitely live a happy life without all of your anxiety and depression getting in the way!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "This is a great question! I personally don't believe that any client could ever have too many issues for counseling. In fact, that type of thinking may be stopping you from seeking counseling, so it may be hindering you from getting the help you need. In fact, all of what you described points to the importance of you seeking help in order to cope with the many challenges in your life.If you seek counseling, it will be important for you to understand that you may need to remain in counseling for a sustained period of time in order to work through each of these issues. All of these issues won't be able to be solved right away or in a brief period of time. Counseling will take commitment and hard work, but it is possible for you to recover and heal from all of the issues you described.Many clients come into counseling with numerous issues rather than just one particular thing. Most of the time, the issues relate to and exacerbate each other. We call these \"comorbid\" conditions, which means that two or more mental health problems exist at one time. A lot of the times, when you start to work on one issue, the other issues get better as a result.I encourage you to find a professional therapist that can help you learn how to cope with all of the mental health difficulties that you described. You deserve the help just as much as anyone else."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hi! Many people begin their therapeutic journey with histories just like yours and experience transformative shifts in their quality of life. I hope you are able to find a counselor you feel comfortable working with and do the work if you feel called. Best of luck on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not. It sounds like you have significant trauma and it will continue to impact your depression until it is dealt with. Everybody has issues, though some more traumatic than others yet it is best to just start somewhere. I would encourage you to begin counseling and work through some of your history at your own pace in order to begin to impact and reduce your depressive symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Most clients have many issues that need working out. It is normal to have many events in our lives that trouble us and remain with us without counseling help. The right type of counsellor will help you focus on the main and most troubling issue you have first and work your way through all that you are managing step by step, goal by goal.Sometimes, working on one issue helps to bring other issues to light in the context of your main problem. This can help you resolve some other issues that are connected. Look for someone with experience and specialty in your most pressing issue...even though you have had breast cancer, you may find that grief from your past is more troubling. Then you would look for a bereavement or grief specialist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Just go! You start with the most prevalent issue by talking with your therapist. Healing one issue can have a ripple effect and heal other issues as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There is no such thing as too many issues for counseling. Many issues are often interrelated and can all be worked on with some time and patience."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hi, people who have only a few issues and people who have several issues are perfect for therapy. There is no such thing as having too many problems for therapy. Therapy is great because it will help you process all that you are going through, heal from past and present pain, and gain clarity."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Yeah, you might :)At least, it certainly feels like that, I bet...Not to mention that most counselors out there might generally feel overwhelmed with a \"case\" with so many problems. And, so, you will slog along week-to-week with gradual improvements occurring as she slowly does her best to chip away...The real issue is that these folks don't yet comprehend the integrative nature of each of these subjects and how generally simple it is to understand them, and then eradicate them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It could be said that you might be the perfect candidate for counseling! No one is beyond hope, and someone brave enough to be honest regarding their struggles, with the intention of reaching out for help is certainly a person a qualified counselor would be happy to assist. You may want to do some research on therapists in your local area who specialize in mind-body connection, or one of the struggles you have acknowledged in your post, in order to find a therapist that is best suited to meet your needs.Good luck on your search, and remember that the world is a better place with you in it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "No, there are never too many issues to address in counseling. Therapy would begin by prioritizing what you feel needs to be addressed first. As one area improves, such as processing history of abuse you are likely to see improvement in other areas of your life...like sleeping better."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Firstly, I would like to say how amazing that you have been able to live through breast cancer, sexual abuse as well as your depression and anxiety. You are stronger than you may believe at this moment for being able to continue to grow and live through these experiences. Take a moment to acknowledge your strength and know that this strength will be an asset during the therapeutic process that you will be able to tap into to find increased self esteem and more strength to address the concerns you are having. There are never too many concerns to address in therapy sessions. I hope you can find a great therapist who you can trust to listen and work with you to identify and address the most concerning issues first. Once you begin to do this you may find an alleviation of symptoms and feelings which could allow you to grow your capacity to manage difficult feelings and situations and address additional concerns. Before you even realize it the issues you are having will begin to feel more manageable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not! It is never too much. The most important thing is that you are reaching out to get help. Therapy helps you to develop healthier coping strategies and that can help reduce the anxiety and depression as well as improve your sleep. This can all be done at a pace that is best for you. Your therapist can help you process all of this in a safe and supportive space."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "No, it is natural for us to have a number of issues going on if we don't address the concerns we have in our lives. Seeking counseling can assist you in working on these issues individually as well as ways in which they intersect and impact each other."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "The most direct answer is no. I would venture to guess that several of the things you are feeling (symptoms) are connected. I would recommend a trauma counselor. You have several strengths (resources) that you are able to pull from and I would encourage you to focus on them as you deal with the issues you have placed on the back burner for so long. Sometimes people are afraid to address things because they feel or believe that they wont be able to handle it. Compare it to a tornado. The storm has passed, but you are still in hiding for fear of the aftermath (the mess left behind). A good therapist is like a personal organizer to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It's not really a question of whether you have too many issues for counseling but more what would you like to work on in counseling? You control the direction of sessions and depending on how you're feeling in a particular day can predict what direction that session takes. If you want to work on all the issues you've listed it will just take some dedication on your part to see through the counseling long enough to find a resolution to each of the issues that is satisfactory to you. You work at your own pace in counseling and it does seem like you may be overwhelmed with the ever-growing list. But you may just be in search of self improvement and making yourself better, which is a great thing. It seems as though you may need some form of resolution to what has happened in the past and to work through the trauma you have experienced. That may be the base of your counseling needs in which self esteem and depression/anxiety may fall underneath it as well. If you want to start counseling don't let what you need to work on overwhelm you. Find the counselor that best fits with you and together you both can tackle any issue."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "A person never has \"too many\" issues to address in counseling. Participating in counseling with a licensed professional offers a safe place and therapeutic relationship where healing can occur.A trained therapist can help a person unpack and process past and/or current wounds (or events) which may negatively impact day to day living. They can also help make sense of thoughts and emotions that sometimes feel overwhelming and confusing.If you want to experience more emotional freedom and gain some tools to help understand and cope with depression and anxiety, I'd encourage you to schedule an appointment with a therapist in your area."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There is no such things as \"too many issues\". Many of the issues cited here are connected. For example, in this case working on the sexual abuse will possibly address the depression, the anxiety, the self esteem. There may be some grief to process around the impact of the cancer. Our body, mind and spirit are parts of one system. They are interconnected.Addressing these issue are important so you can be relieved of the burden and feel more spontaneous and enjoy life even more."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Of course not. Counseling is a process, whereby you and your therapist will help you create goals- starting with issues that are most pressing and interfering with your daily functioning. When anxiety and daily stress is more manageable then you and your therapist can examine more deep rooted or more chronic issues."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You definitely don't have too many issues for counseling. In fact, counseling can help you understand how most of these things can be related to one another. For example, insomnia, depression, low self-esteem and anxiety are very common to experience after a traumatic event or events. Once you begin to work through processing these life altering events that you have experienced, the hope is that you would see a decrease in your other symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You absolutely do not have too many issues for counselling. The fact that you are wanting to seek help is commendable and you should feel proud of yourself for reaching out for support. I know from my experience working with clients that some may say they have only one issue but when we explore it turns out they have many things that they want to discuss that are of equal importance. I believe that you deserve to feel happy, at ease and also get restful sleep amongst other things. Please do not feel hesitant because the fact that you know what you want to discuss and work on is amazing. You know the directions you want to go and the therapist just needs to help you get there.I suggest sitting down and making a list of what you want to discuss as well as what you feel is more important to address first. Perhaps the therapist can help you with that as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing your question. I imagine it feels overwhelming and discouraging at times if you feel like there are too many issues to address in a counseling session. I would encourage you to share these concerns with a counselor because a counselor can help you organize the concerns into a list of specific goals. For example, a list of goals may look similar to this:1. \"I will learn about the effects of medication on the symptoms of depression and anxiety.\"2. \"I will learn about the factors that affect insomnia.\"3. \"I will learn about resources and support groups in my local area to help me cope with my traumatic experiences.\"4. \"I will practice self-care exercises each day and write about my thoughts and feelings in a journal so I can measure whether or not I\"m making progress.\"This is an example of some of the possible goals a counselor can help you work toward each week. Working toward a specific goal can lead to a feeling of accomplishment once you've completed it, and this may have a positive impact on your self-esteem.I hope this information helps, and I wish you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There are never too many issues in living. In a way we take on too many issues at one time. Then we become over whelmed with \"anxiety and depression.\" A skillful, caring therapist will help you find a place to start and deal with one issue at a time. when this helps the other issues. Then the other issues become more manageable. I gain. confidence I can take on life better and, importantly , enjoy living life more. My best to you. Dr. Spencer"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There are never \"too many issues\" to be addressed in therapy. Most people come in with multiple issues they want to address. The wonderful thing about therapy, is that often, as one or more significant issues begin to change and improve- the lead naturally without much effort to improvements in the other areas. (For example, as you begin to address trauma and betrayal from you past, you may find that the insomnia improves). Your therapist, with you input and direction, can help you to prioritize which problem areas to target first."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You can be helped. Many of the people I see have multiple issues. These issues are often linked so that helping one issue will positively help the other issues."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "The short answer is: absolutely not! The longer answer is that it might take some time to process all of the issues, and it may feel quite \"muddy\" in the issues for a lot longer than is tolerable (which is why counseling may have been postponed to begin with for you.) It's important to be realistic when entering counseling of any sort, and that the therapist be realistic with you about what you might be able to expect working with that person (I use the words \"might be able to expect\" because therapy experiences can vary.) But that not having counseling about trauma that you have experienced much earlier in your life can play a significant role in the process and how long that process could take to unpack all that may have been buried over time.It might also be helpful in counseling to work with the therapist on figuring out where to begin, but to also manage the feelings of being overwhelmed that may make it hard to continue to show up and do the work required, week in and week out. It isn't easy work trying to process past pain that you experienced, and so consistent practice of self-care, including leaning on support systems outside of therapy, is key."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Usually people who struggle with depression also have symptoms of anxiety. These symptoms come about as a result of underlying causes. The obstacles you have been overcoming such as abuse, cancer and insomnia likely bring about similar feelings and emotions in you which affect your self-esteem. Counseling is meant to support people who have layers of difficulties. We see the difficulties as layers to an onion, peeling away the many layers."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Often times when an individual begins the counseling process it is revealed that there is more than one thing going on. When we think about how much is wrong, it can be overwhelming and we may not know where to even start. Counseling can provide guidance to help you to begin working toward healing in a way that is most helpful for you to reach your goals."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It is very common forpeople to have multiple issues that they want to (and need to) address in counseling. I have had clients ask that same question and through more exploration, there is often an underlying fear that they \"can't be helped\" or that they will \"be too much for their therapist.\" I don't know if any of this rings true for you. But, most people have more than one problem in their lives and more often than not, people have numerous significant stressors in their lives. Let's face it, life can be complicated! Therapists are completely ready and equipped to handle all of the issues small or large that a client presents in session. Most therapists over the first couple of sessions will help you prioritize the issues you are facing so that you start addressing the issues that are causing you the most distress. You can never have too many issues to address in counseling. All of the issues you mention above can be successfully worked through in counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not! When we have the courage to accept the challenge to address whatever is causing us pain, the solutions often generalize to many, if not all of our symptoms. I would suggest that unresolved trauma from sexual abuse is likely a primary contributing factor. However, it is important that you first build a trusting relationship with a therapist experienced in trauma treatment as this is an area of specialty that not all therapists are skilled in treating. Choosing one issue to work on, such as anxiety or depressive symptoms, and starting there will allow you the opportunity to get to know your therapist, learn coping skills for managing distressing symptoms, and establish emotional safety before jumping into trauma work."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hello there,No one has too many issues to address in counseling. Once you start counseling, your therapist will help you identify which issues to start working on first and which are causing you the most distress. Once you and your therapist prioritize your concerns, you can start to address each concern, starting with the one causing the most distress for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed. But you are also a survivor and have the benefit of a long, stable marriage. You do not have too many issues to address in counseling. A good therapist will help you to partialize your goals into smaller objectives and focus in on what's most pressing for you to address first in treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hello! You may have heard the saying that counseling is like peeling the layers of an onion. Whether a person comes to therapy with many issues on their heart and mind or whether he/she comes with something specific, one issue leads to another. Please don't feel as though you have too many issues. You are important and worthy. On the plus side, you are a breast cancer survivor and have a wonderful marriage! Seek the help that you deserve."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You do not have too many issues to address in counseling. And your perseverance will serve you well if you choose to engage in therapy. The trauma and medical event you experienced topped off with chronic sleepless nights would lead to feelings of depression for many. The emotional reaction you've had to these experiences sounds normal albeit troublesome and I would imagine intensely painful at times as well. Therapy can help prioritize what is the most impactful issue you are grappling with. I find in therapy that when the central issue is revealed, understood, processed, and understood again in its current context, many other areas of the person's internal experience improve. It sounds as though something has prevented you from seeking help from a counselor in the past, and it sounds as though you are more seriously considering it now. Therapy helps and it can help you when you're ready."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing your history. You do not have too many issues to address in counseling. It will help to prioritize what you would like to work on first in therapy. Your therapist will create a treatment plan with you, which can always be changed while working together. Therapy is a process in working towards your best life, and you deserve it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Not at all! Whatever issues you might have you can bring to the therapy room. Remember therapy is about YOU, not your therapist. You bring whatever you need to bring to the table. Keep in mind these issues are likely related. Remember you are a holistic being, more than just the sum of the parts. Just like any system, when you move something in one area, things start changing in other areas as well. Talk to your therapist to decide goals for counseling and establish priorities, and ENJOY THE RIDE! Growing, flourishing, and finally letting go of what hurts can be a beautiful and exciting process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You absolutely do not have \"too many issues\" for counseling. Your reaching out to ask this question shows you have a resilient spirit. Also, your happy marriage can be a support and strength to you as you embark on a counseling journey. I would recommend that you find a counselor who specializes in trauma, sexual trauma and/or EMDR (a type of therapy that is proven to have a strong impact on healing from trauma). Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I don't think you have too many issues for counseling. If a client came to me for help with the same issues that you have listed here I would first want them to meet with their doctor to get a physical to rule out any biological causes to your depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I would work with you on deciding which of these issues to tackle first. I usually suggest starting with the issue that is easiest. Reading through your symptoms I might choose anxiety to start with since you are in the early stages of it. I like to give my client skills they can use right away, so I would focus on teaching you breathing exercises to manage the anxiety as well as cognitive restructuring so that when an anxious thought pops up you can talk yourself through it. Once you felt that you had some control over the anxiety I'd start to work on some of your other concerns, but I would seek your input on what you felt like might be good to work on next. My gut is that some of these issues would be resolved as you worked on others. For example as you worked on your anxiety and began to process your trauma and as you began to work on self care and getting more sleep - your self esteem would probably improve. I encourage you to meet with a therapist and ask them how they might be able to help you. These are just some thoughts that came up for me on how I might help someone with the same or similar symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "The way it goes is that all your issues are connected. Once you work on one issue it will have a positive effect on all areas. Slowly each issue is addressed and actually less issues will need to be addressed directly since resolving one helps your overall wellness. So no, you do not have too many issues. Dont give up. Get help now and see how your life can change for the better."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I think this is a very common question that people who have never been to counseling before have. There is a lot of anxiety in going to counseling for the first time. This is normal. In answer to your question, the answer is an absolute NO! An important thing to remember about getting counseling is that it is a courageous first step towards hope and healing. Getting help is like training to run a marathon, it is not a sprint. You have shared a lot of issues that you are dealing with from your past, that are now negatively impacting your present, but I believe that in getting the right kind of help and support, none of them are impossible to overcome. Part of the therapeutic process is defining and prioritizing therapy goals. In collaboration with you, as a client, a therapist is there to help you with this process in determining what you would like to work on first. Not getting counseling, based on the history you have shared, has the potential to put you more at risk for mental and physical health issues. You are already seeing this happen as you begin to experience new symptoms, namely your anxiety. In therapy, you will gain understanding and insight, as well as learn skills and strategies to manage the symptoms you are experiencing.In conclusion, I would encourage you to reach out to a licensed counselor who has experience in treating trauma, grief/loss and will address shame. These are three areas that I have found that gets to the core issues that are contributing to your depression and anxiety. I believe you can get the help you need to find hope and healing. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hello, I'm so glad you decided to take the first step in opening a conversation first. Deciding to go to therapy can sometimes be difficult for some, but with the right therapist, healing is possible and obtainable, even with what you've described. To answer your question, no you do not have too many issues to go to counseling. You've been through a lot and have been strong and at times it's helpful to have someone else to help you through it.What I would say is to be sure and find a therapist who is experienced in sexual abuse and trauma overall. But you absolutely do not have too many issues for counseling. Please feel free to ask any other questions you may have regarding your situation and I hope you find the therapist you're looking for, there are many great ones out there. Many of the issues you're experiencing may be tied together from the trauma.Best Wishes.Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Not at all my dear.Human beings are complex creatures, and in my opinion, our issues interconnect in a very nuanced web between our levels of being (for example, mind, body, and spirit). Everything you bring up affects all three. The truly beautiful thing about the human body is that when you begin to work on one, the others improve as well!I would encourage you to seek out a counselor who's style and approach speaks to you and start with whichever issue feels most pressing to you. A skilled therapist will flow with you at your own pace and make recommendations to other professionals (e.g., physicians, holistic practitioners, EMDR specialists for trauma etc) as needed to complement the psychotherapy work you're doing with him or her to help you find the total healing you seek.I wish you well on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Everyone has topics to discuss when they start therapy. There is no correct number of topics.youSometimes people go to therapy for one specific area of their life. Not everyone has the time or interest to utilize therapy just when a significant topic arises in their life.Since you are one person, no matter how many or few topics you would like to address in therapy, all the topics relate to you.Possibly the result of your therapy will be more transformational than if you talked only on one topic. Lucky you, to be on the cusp of clearing and resolving many vulnerabilities at once. You will feel brand new by the time you finish your therapy work!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been feeling more and more down for over a month. I have started having trouble sleeping due to panic attacks, but they are almost never triggered by something that I know of.", "answerText": "Answers about our inner lives are most successfully reached from a sense of feeling grounded in oneself.First step is to accept your nervousness and restless sleep. As often as possible, sleep during daytimes in order for your body to catch up on its need for rest.Accept too about feeling down. It is normal to feel down once in a while. From this place of self-acceptance, trust any answers which come up to your mind. Often answers about complicated topics come in small pieces, not all at once as a whole unit.Also, your description about panic attacks is also completely normal. They often arise unrelated to particular conditions at a given moment. They are a healthy symptom your body is trying to expel bad feelings and does this by having the anxiety erupt at times.So, self-acceptance, tolerance of being on a process of clearing out worn out emotional clutter, and sleep at odd times if possible, are all ways to stabilize yourself, which will also feel calm and good!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been feeling more and more down for over a month. I have started having trouble sleeping due to panic attacks, but they are almost never triggered by something that I know of.", "answerText": "It could be really helpful to see a counselor/therapist about your increasing depression/panic symptoms. Finding out the cause of depression/anxiety isn't always as straightforward as it seems, since both issues tend to become patterns we engage in rather than solely related to a specific trigger/reason. For example, if I am feeling down about a particular circumstance in my life, then I start seeing life through this lens of feeling down, and typically I'll start to see a lot more that I get down about, and it can really build very quickly on itself. Same with anxiety. Obviously, this is a very simplified example and it can be very difficult to see how the pattern is maintained, but that's where working with a counselor/therapist comes in.I would be curious about whether you can start to notice the initial sensations of panic, and if you can (through the panic attack) continue to maintain awareness of the actual physical sensations. Even better if you can talk yourself through the sensations you're feeling - such as saying to yourself \"Okay, I'm breathing really rapidly, and my heart is racing, now my palms are sweaty and my chest is feeling really tight...\" Reminding yourself that it's just your body's reaction to stress, and while it might be overreacting right now, you're okay and eventually it will go away. I highly recommend the SAM for Anxiety Management app for the anxiety piece, and I wouldn't be surprised if addressing the anxiety helped to address some of the depression too."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Have you used meditation or hypnosis? Relaxing the mind and connecting with your true self is a great way to calm your thoughts and get to peace and calm. Hypnosis and meditation have helped a lot of people with anxiety and depression. Google hypnotherapists near me or write for a while about what is going on."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Working with a great therapist who can help you learn ways to cope might be beneficial to you. Sometimes just the act of being able to talk about things with a nonjudgmental person helps take some of the burden off of you. A therapist can help you change your thought patterns and teach you coping skills to reduce your symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Anxiety and depression is caused by ineffective functioning of the adrenals, kidneys, and the other systems that affects.A basic protocol of natural health makes quick work of it (about 2-3 months-ish; maybe shorter with a good constitution, in your body) :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Meditation may be able to assist you in lowering your anxiety and depressive symptoms.MeditationBreaks Anxious Thought PatternsA common symptom of anxiety is having racing negative and obsessive thoughts that create a vicious cycle of worry within your mind. Meditation can reduce rumination and the break negative thought patterns by increasing your control over random unwanted thoughts and decreasing your tendency to worry by altering the way your brain responds to stress. For example, instead of following your negative thought down the rabbit hole, you learn to view your thoughts differently and recognize it for what it is a thought and let it go. Thank goodness toneuroplasticity and your brains endless capacity to change!Balances Brain ChemicalsAnxiety is brought on by various factors (personality type, emotional trauma, genes, prolonged exposure to stress) and sometimes causes an imbalance of chemicals within the brain (GABA and serotonin). A meditation practice can assist in restoring the balance of neurotransmitters within the brain by increasing GABA (neurotransmitter connected to feeling happy and relaxed) and serotonin (another neurotransmitter connected to being happy) and decreasing cortisol (stress hormone).Builds A Healthier BrainBased on research and scans, individuals who have a regular meditation practice show dramatically larger amounts ofgray matter, the volume of thehippocampus, thickness of the cortex, increased blood flow to the brain, improved neural connections between various parts of the brain and decreased size of theamygdala (controls autonomic responses associated with fear, arousal, and emotional stimulation).View full article here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/16/meditate-to-lower-anxiety-levels"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Anxiety and depression are often linked. I don't consider them as diseases. Depression is a symptom of deep hurts to the sense of self that leaves a person feeling shamed. Anxiety is a symptom of not being given the proper emotional resources to handle the problems of life. It is also the result of being taught that life is a dangerous place that can't be managed."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Depression and anxiety can be disconcerting and disruptive to our lives in many ways. I am sorry that you are suffering so much. Depression and anxiety can arise due to experiences, genetics or a combination of both. I like for my clients look at their issues as whole persons so I would also recommend these tips:Physical: regular exercise, healthy balanced diet, rest and sleepMental: how we think is how we feel. How are you interpreting the events that are happening to you? Try to interpret them in a less negative way. Unfortunately we cannot stop our thoughts as our brain is always working. If you can't see your issues in a different way then stop struggling and allow and accept whatever the unhelpful thoughts are. Choose to take actions based on your values and what will give you a fulfilling life no matter what your thoughts are. Remember, your thoughts have no power unless you act upon them.Emotional: do not let feelings dictate your actions, even if something feels anxious take action again based on your values and how you want to live. Social: connect with healthy friends and family that will be a positive support. Take up some hobbies and recreation activities as well.If things do not improve I would encourage you to make an appointment with a talk therapist and discuss these issues. I would encourage you to also be open to consider an evaluation for anti-depressants with these issues as well.If you ever feel like you might hurt yourself please call 911 or go to your nearest ER."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Life can bring us all kinds of struggles. Depression and Anxiety are very common reasons people come into counseling. Both can be debilitating. Sometimes when life struggles and stresses build up anxiety and depression become prominent. Learning tools to ride the waves of life is a core part of counseling.If you are ready to manage the symptoms and come up with a plan visit staceybshapiro.comfor more information."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Wanting to make changes and asking for assistance is the first step. Overcoming anxiety and depression is not an easy feat to do on your own, especially if it's been something you have been battling for years. There are some different routes you may go down in order to start the healing process:Therapy - find a therapist who has a lot of experience with anxiety and depression. You can do this by googling \"anxiety depression therapist \" in your city. CounselChat also has a directory of amazing therapists, as does Psychology TodayMedication - Depending on what other symptoms you may be struggling with depends on what medication you will be prescribed. Be 100% honest with the doctor and ask about different side effects or potential risks associated with the medication. You more than likely will be prescribed an SSRI.Therapy & Medication - The outcomes are very good for those who decide to do both. Medication can help level out out your mood and therapy can help you process through your emotions and keep you accountable for you goals , as you will be seeing your therapist more often than your psychiatristTherapy & Homeopathy - Homeopathy could potentially be a good tool to use alongside with therapy in case you are not interested in going down the medication route.Arsenicum album is most commonly given to those who struggle with anxiety and depression.The choice is yours. My recommendation is to start with therapy and explore your options more in depth with your therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "First, be patient because anxiety and depression are rooted in a person's outlook on who they are and how they handle situations and relationships.Changing these deep major structures in your life takes time to try new ways and see what develops, then fine tune accordingly.Most commonly, anxiety and depression relate to one's self definition.Reflect on your own opinion of yourself and whether you'd like making any adjustments to this. Then figure out what stops or inhibits you from doing this.Try new ways of thinking and interacting with other people. The changed impression you make on others will influence your own view of who you are.In America people take Pharma pills to not feel badly.If you prefer to make natural, long-lasting change then reflect, read, try therapy if it feels right to you.Eventually you will be better off this way than to take drugs to hide how you truly feel."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How can I get to a place where I can be content from day to day?", "answerText": "Your question is a fascinating one!As humans we have the ability to reflect on situations in our lives.Even if nothing currently goes on in a particular moment, its possible youre reflecting on a serious or upsetting matter.And, our emotions linger within us.Just because a particular moment feels calm, inside your feelings may be the sense of a strong unsettled emotion from the recent past.Good for you to be aware of your own sensitivity to living with awareness of your moods and thoughts."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How can I get to a place where I can be content from day to day?", "answerText": "One thing that comes to mind is making a list of some things that happen each day. It could be that there are things that are affecting how upset you are, but because so many other things are going on, you may not notice.Another idea to try is to keep a list for a month of one good thing that happened each day. This way, when you're having a rough day, you have a list to think of and take a look at.Are you eating and sleeping in ways that are typical for you (typically at least two meals per day and roughly 8 hours of sleep that night (may be different depending on your age)? These two ideas are closely related to changes in your mood.From where do you have support? Friends or family?Can you take 5 or 10 minutes per day to do something that you enjoy?If you think back to the last time that you felt \"content,\" what was contributing to that?Another possibility is to try to be mindful of things that you do every day. For example, rather than eating a turkey sandwich as fast as possible on your lunch break, consider actually tasting it and enjoying it. Also consider giving yourself praise for doing something well. For example, when you finish your paperwork, take a moment to notice that and maybe reward yourself by checking your e-mail, reading five pages of a book, or something else that can be done quickly before you get back to your next task."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How can I get to a place where I can be content from day to day?", "answerText": "It's important to take a look inside and see what's going on with you to cause you to have these feelings. Please contact us in whatever way is most comfortable for you and we can get you set up with someone who will help you figure out this space in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a severe back problem. I've had 3 major and several minor operations, but I'm still in constant pain. How can I deal with the depression from this chronic pain?", "answerText": "Chronic pain at the back likely results from a few areas:L4-L5 kidney zone, most likely (lower back);Bone spurs, fused discs, and slipped discs, caused by connective tissue weakness, and calcium deposits used to neutralize highly acidic areas...The 'depression' will evaporate when the chronic pain is drained out, through natural means;Pharmaceutical means will simply extend the pain and cause it to deepen over time, not solving the problem;Remember, medical doctors suppress, natural doctors cure..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a severe back problem. I've had 3 major and several minor operations, but I'm still in constant pain. How can I deal with the depression from this chronic pain?", "answerText": "Maybe if you started to address questions of an inner nature of what changed in your life as a result of the back problem.To know your limitations and the areas of your life which they affect, will greatly contribute to stronger self-knowledge within you.Greater awareness and sense of direction very often decreases depression."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?", "answerText": "If it is simply counseling that you seek, any number of faith-based outfits are very willing to listen and help out with these sorts of matters, free of charge :)Online messaging and social media is a secondary option, however this one may come with privacy concerns and consequences;If it were I, I would attempt to sweet-talk one or two counselors I come across to do a bit of work for folks who can't afford it :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?", "answerText": "Look up online what the local hospital offers to people. Also, google some of the key words you just wrote here, like depression and counseling, low-cost counseling.Did your primary physician tell you their reason to not help you? If not, then ask the person to tell you their reasoning. Even if the specific doctor won't help you, by understanding their reason, you may be able to work with the answer you hear."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?", "answerText": "I would check out agencies that offer affordable counseling based on your income or very low cost counseling sessions, i.e., Pacific Clinics, Hathaway Sycamore, Pasadena Mental Health Center, Burbank Family Center. If you google affordable or low cost therapy in your particular area you will find resources to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "First step always is to do a medical rule out so that you're sure the problem is psychological and emotion based, not a medical condition which requires care and attention.If you are medically clear in the reasons for losing your erection, then reflect on what may be creating a loss in confidence in either who you are and what you're doing with your life, or whether your wife has these sort of problems within herself.Often a problem transfers ownership of who shows it.If you are a sensitive person its possible your erection problem reflects your wife's insecurities and self-doubt. If she is someone who is reluctant to talk about feeling unsure then in a certain way by you showing a problem, she can avoid looking at herself.There may not be a direct cause such as usually exists in a medical problem.Medicine looks for symptoms to treat.Our emotional lives are much more indirect.If you feel stress at work or are unhappy in the place you live, for example, then your frustration may show up in your sex life.Basically, do a broad inward search of your life and what it holds and maybe ask your wife to do the same.You may clear the air within yourselves and between each other so the problem goes away."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "When I'm working with men with this type of situation, I always suggest a medical examination to rule out any type of organic reason for a difficulty in maintaining interaction. In cases where there is no medical reason for the loss of erection, I find that many men have a similar situation in experiencing negative intrusive thinking during lovemaking. My counseling approach for this situation is to incorporate the use of mindful sex."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "For starters, know that this is a normal experience for many men at some point in their lives. While this can certainly cause some embarrassment, a diminished sexual esteem or relationship problems, it is important to know you are not alone. I am going to move forward assuming that you have already checked with a medical professional to rule out any medical problems that may be related to this. Assuming that is the case, for most this happens for two primary reasons. It is either a short term biological shortage of blood flow to the penis. This can be caused my diet, lack of exercise, even stress. Another primary reason for loss of erections are anxiety. Have their been recent relationship issues? Are you feeling as though you aren't satisfied in the bedroom? These are just a few aspects that can cause subconscious anxiety and loss of erection. My suggestion to you would be to seek out a counselor that specializes in sexuality that can assist you in moving forward with this. Best of Luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "Erection maintenance is caused by connective tissue weakness as well as lymphatic stagnation of the area and accompanying channels. A proper detoxification is necessary to reverse the stagnation and get things flowing again.Lower circulation and pituitary might also be indicated.Medical will likely not recommend anything useful in the long term (pharmaceuticals do not solve a problem, only suppress it; and, it will return again later and worse than before);Certain herbal protocols and natural protocols would be very warranted in getting things going again :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "If you haven't already, please see a doctor. ED can be caused by any number of physical conditions and you need to get checked out.Once you have ruled out any physical issues that interfere with getting an erection, it's time to look for more subtle causes. Unfortunately, you may have gotten yourself into a mind set of \"I hope I can, but what if I can't?\" which is certain to interfere with performance.Again, rule out physical causes (can you tell I think that's important?), then talk with your wife about working together to find the right approach. It might be a good idea, for example, to take the pressure off by enjoying each other without intercourse. You can have great sex without penetration and you can have physical intimacy without sex, so slow down and experiment. You might find more pleasure than you expect when you can relax knowing there doesn't have to be a \"finish line\".Again, yes the third time, SEE A DOCTOR, just in case there's something going on. Once you get the all clear, find joy and spontaneity with your wife again by being creative and pressure free."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "Assuming there are no medical explanations for this issue, many men I've worked with on this come to see it as essentially a form of Anxiety. There is a phenomenon called the Yerkes Dodson Law (see below; source: Wikipedia), which basically states that if we feel either too much or too little stress, pressure, or nervousness about a task, it will adversely impact our ability to do carry it out successfully.The ideal amount of stress/arousal is right in the middle - not too little and not too much. This applies to more things than we might often realize - from giving a presentation, to ordering food, to making a free throw, to driving, to sexual intimacy as in this case. A common suggestion that many men find helpful is initiating open and honest conversations with their partners about this issue, and for a temporary period of time, agreeing to physical intimacy and sexual pleasure in other forms, and without the expectation of intercourse. There are many ways to go about that (which are outside the scope of this blog article), but this can be a path to connecting intimately and renewing physical bonding without unhelpful anxiety - and over time, can lead back to intimacy in all the ways that have become elusive. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "It's fun to ride the roller coaster from time to time, isn't it? :)But, it's also weary-making, and leads to drainage that no man or woman can hardly anticipate!Balance comes with proper understanding of the different bodies you possess and how they function.And, to begin, we focus upon your physical, and move right up the latter to the spiritual, and begin cleaning you out.Unbalance is an experience of blocked energies that should be naturally flowing (call them what thou mayest); when blockages are removed, what is naturally there flows, and flows beautifully..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "Depression and PMS symptoms can be so hard to navigate ! Looking at this from a holistic standpoint can help you understand why you get these mood swings and what to do to balance yourself emotionally during this time.As a woman, we experience peaks and dips during our hormonal cycles and right before menstruation, we tend to feel not ourselves and down. The bloating and extreme cravings do not help either.Making sure your schedule is light and you have things to assist you can be so helpful. Different essential oils like lavender may calm you down, or orange which can uplift your mood. Homeopathy can be effective and gentle during this time as well. Birth control is known to help reduce the extreme spikes in hormones and can reduce your emotional and physical pain. Perhaps even psychiatric medication like an SSRI can help . If you are interested in going down the medication route, be sure to ask the doctor about potential side effects and risks .Reducing your processed sugar intake may help a lot as well. Exercising, spending time outside, practicing stress management and avoiding caffeine and alcohol can all be useful as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "You may already be living a balanced life because you are aware of your ups and downs due to hormonal changes of your menstrual cycle.As much as posible, schedule activities around your expected mood swings. This way you'll avoid feeling even more tired from a busy scheduled during a low energy time in the month.The hormonal cycle is normal.Opinions vary as to taking natural, homeopathic supplements or Pharma drugs which will influence your cycle and make your mood more even.There are side effects to at least the Pharma drugs, which is a consideration as to the value of taking them.Reflect on which is your style of living and what will make you feel successful in handling this problem.Sticking to a system which mirrors the type of person you are, means more than any one particular answer anyone gives you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I self-harm, and I stop for awhile. Then when I see something sad or depressing, I automatically want to self-harm.", "answerText": "In a way, self-harm can present somewhat like an addiction. According to new research within the field of neuroscience there is a valid explanation for this. When a person cuts or uses other forms of self harm, the body produces endorphins to help make a person feel better. If a person was dealing with depression or high anxiety, that might be misinterpreted by the brain as a way to help oneself feel better and a new neural network or map might form (addiction) that would utilize this new behavior. Another way to look at it would be thru a behavioral lens, a positive reward for a behavior, even though the behavior has other long term negative consequences. Consider working with someone who can both have you work on and address those items that trigger your behavior and the root causes, in this case sadness or depression, and second find someone who can help give you alternatives that take into account the neurological requirement by replacing the behavior with another behavior (such as snapping a rubber band on the wrist) and working to extinguish the unwanted behavior. Someone who is trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy and/or Interpersonal Neurobiology would most likely have the skills and means available to address this with you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I self-harm, and I stop for awhile. Then when I see something sad or depressing, I automatically want to self-harm.", "answerText": "Self-harm has a way of becoming a go-to method of coping. When we get stuck using self-harm as a way to deal and manage emotions, when something serious happens it totally makes sense that that will be one the first things to go through the mind. It is its own kind of addiction. There is a therapy, DBT or, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which focusing on giving you new tools to get through hard times, understand and manage your emotions, to stay present and to deal with relationships. This one of the most effective interventions there is for self-harm. If you are interested in DBT, reach a local therapist in your area and ask if they do DBT or can recommend you to a DBT program. This can help immensely. Self-harm recovery is totally possible, but it is definitely hard work!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "This can be a difficult situation. Typically, only animals that are specifically trains to accomplish a specific task are legally protected as Service Animsls. Even though that can be very helpful, emotional support animals are not generally protected in the same way.You might not be able to make your landlord accommodate you. If possible, you may want to consider a different apparent that is more animal friendly."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "At present, the American Disability Association (ADA) only allows protection and guiltiness for Service Animals, which is fall under a separate distinction from Emotional Support Animals.Emotional support animals are untrained animals (typically pets or other domestic animals) that provide wonderful services to their owners, and there are many benefits to having one.Service animals who are trained to provide specific services for an individual with limitations that make them fall under what the ADA defines as \"disabled\" are protected under specific laws, and must be accommodated in public places where the human they serve is present.While it may be beneficial to request that the therapist who \"prescribed\" the dog to you write a letter to the apartment manager, it sounds like the manager is aware of ADA guidelines, and the simplest course of action may be to find an alternative residence, if that is a plausible option."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "Agree with the apartment manager's viewpoint that your disability is not a physical limitation.Ask the manager if they'd accept an explanatory letter from a therapist who is licensed to diagnosis emotional disabilities.If the answer is yes, then find a therapist who's willing to cooperate with what you need from them and find out this particular therapist's terms of working with you to compose such a letter.If the manager tells you \"no\", then find out who is above this person or entity and find out how to formally introduce your request to the board or apartment owner, or whoever actually is the legal owner of the building."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "This is tricky because there are different types of emotional support dogs. The ones that are officially trained actually go through months of training and then are paired with someone for whom they perform specific tasks.You may benefit from looking at the blog written by Valerie Parrott, who has an emotional support dog due to severe anxiety and panic. I will warn you that her blog is very blunt, but she is honest and she has gone through this process:https://thedogintheroom.wordpress.com/2016/06/20/what-makes-a-service-dog/#more-508"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "Ouch. It's really hard to deal with a spouse that isn't taking you seriously. In this case, I would plan for and schedule a time to talk with him about this. I would tell him that you need about 30 minutes to talk to him with minimal interruptions about something that is important to you. Schedule a time, write notes if you need reminders about what you need to express, and tell him how you feel.Ideally, you would focus more on I-statements instead of telling him what he is doing wrong. For example, I feel ignored vs You always ignore me. By focusing on how you feel, he is less likely to feel attacked and get defensive.Some people go to couples or marriage counseling for help with communication. Chances are there are things that BOTH of you do that hurts your communication. Overall, try to talk to him directly and try not to get defensive. If he continues to say, you're always sad - then stay calm, say \"okay, can you help me understand that more?\" or \"That's interesting. Tell me what you see.\" Reach out to a couples counselor for more help with communication strategies. Sometimes a 3rd party can help you both see things in a different perspective. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "This is so hard. It is hard for someone to understand what depression is without having experienced it themselves. Unfortunately people without depression sometimes mistake it as feeling sorry for ourselves or just moping around, which is not what depression is at all. Sometimes I think that it is easier for family members to see it as a choice than to admit that someone they love is hurting and they dont know what to do. If he is willing, I wonder if there may be a depression support group in your area such as NAMI or DBSA where he could hear from from others living with depression and their families. If not, I wonder if you all might watch a documentary together such as No Kidding Me Too or Call me Crazy. If not that, ive sometimes encouraged folk to just leave some information on depression and how family can help like a pamphlet or handout on a table or around the house. We tend to get curious and read things we find on the table. Wishing you the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "It can be hard for husbands to hear that their wife is unhappy. By nature men tend to be more of the fix it type. So if they are sad, they fix it. If their wife is sad, they fix it. He may feel helpless to help you and that may be why he is saying those things to you. It's not that he doesn't care or that he doesn't take them seriously, he might just have no idea how to help. I would start by making an appointment to talk with a therapist about your sadness. Meeting with a therapist may help you to learn some tools and strategies that can help you to manage some of the sadness you are feeling. A therapist can also help you to gain some understanding and insight into why you might be experiencing sadness. Depression is not something you have to sit with, therapy can help. Once your husband sees that you are being proactive in addressing your sadness/depression he will probably be more open to listening to you and supporting you. He might start to have ideas and input on how you two can work together to change some of the situations or things that might be holding you bakc."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "Oh dear.From what you write, your husband doesn't have any interest to know about you and your sad feelings.Stay clear in understanding that you already did your part by asking him to listen and care about the way you feel.In this example, he told you he doesn't care.Its up to him to open his mind and heart to you.Depending on how motivated to continue asking him to hear you, try until you feel satisfied that you've given him enough chances to know who you are. At a certain number of tries at this, you'll either have success or not.Just don't try forever because doing so will increase your depressed feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's not entirely true to say I enjoy being sad, but I always find a way to feel that way. I listen to sad music, read tragic stories, and, in a twisted way, like how bad it makes me feel. I focus on negative aspects of my life even if they aren't legitimate or I just make it seem negative.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are noticing that you are drawn towards sad and negative content and it's hard to understand why. This may sound counter-intuitive, but sometimes we do things that on the surface may look problematic (or even cause us some real problems) because it serves us in some unseen way. A simple example would be somebody who is addicted to a substance; their addiction may be causing serious problems in their life, and they may even know it, but the addiction serves them by helping them to avoid painful feelings that they anticipate having if they quit using. Now I am not saying that what you describe is an addiction, it is just a really illustrative example of the unseen benefit.One thing I would be wondering about is what is the unseen benefit of seeking out sad and negative content? I'd also be wondering what your relationship is to other feelings. These are things you may benefit from exploring with a competent therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's not entirely true to say I enjoy being sad, but I always find a way to feel that way. I listen to sad music, read tragic stories, and, in a twisted way, like how bad it makes me feel. I focus on negative aspects of my life even if they aren't legitimate or I just make it seem negative.", "answerText": "I applaud your courage in asking this question to gain some deeper insight into what is happening in your life. This is one of the most common things that I personally have seen in the population of individuals who suffer from depression. It is often that I notice clients focusing on the negative to the complete dismissal of the positive when they are dealing with depression. It is inspiring that you have noticed this in yourself because many clients are not aware that this is a pattern for them, or are not yet willing to face that depression has become a pattern they cling to.Depression, if dealt with for extended periods of time, can become a way of life, an identity of sorts, that is very difficult to part from. While you desperately desire happiness, who would you be without the depression? Sometimes it is scarier to journey into the unknown (in this case, happiness), than it is to stay in the known, and the often times comfortable space of your depression. Human beings, for the most part, fear and stray away from change in general, especially a change that is so impactful. Allowing yourself to confront the possibility of change as positive with the support of a professional counselor is often extremely helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) is a term that reflects how many people are affected by the changing seasons, especially fall to winter. Everyone suffers with some form of this (lessened activity levels, increased isolation, etc.) while some find that this time of year can put them into a deeper depression. If you have noticed that this happens frequently, there are some ways you can definitely help yourself going forward:1. Attend therapy to learn strategies and tools to help you to manage your mood. It's important to stay within the therapy until you feel you have mastered these tools.2. Push yourself to interact more with your social groups and other positive activities. It's easy to go out and spend the day outside in the summer months, when the temperature is warm and the sun shines for long periods of the day, but it seems harder to find fun ways to spend your time when the temperature drops and darkness comes on so quickly. Perhaps winter time could become the time of year where you and your friends have weekly board game nights, complete with hot chocolate and a fire?3. You may want to consider the purchase of a S.A.D. Light. These are lights that expose you to additional ultra violet light to increase the vitamin D in our bodies, as well as the release of growth hormone (which releases when we wake up). There are mixed reviews of these products, however, and they can be expensive."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "I would suggest some holistic approaches, such as getting your Vitamin D and iron levels checked. Make sure you are eating well, exercising, and getting outside when you can. Take a trip to someplace warm if possible. Use a sun lamp in the morning for 30 minutes to simulate sunlight. Seek professional health to gain coping skills and other ways to manage symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing. It seems like since the \"winter blues\" happens to you every year it may also be impacting your quality of life and possibly relationships. What you report sounds like you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and is quite common to many from about fall thru winter seasons; but, also can impact folks during the Spring and summer months.The best care and treatment for SAD includes discussing it with your PCP (primary care physician), integrating light therapy (full-spectrum lighting) throughout home and workplace (where possible), psychotherapy, and possibly medications (e.g.Wellbutrin XL, Aplenzin).Be sure to exercise good self-care and checkout the Mayo Clinic's website for SAD here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Light therapy is very helpful. You are not alone. The name for the condition is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). You might want to see a therapist to assist you putting in place a behavioral program to help change the way you feel."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "I am glad that you are getting ahead of this by noticing this seasonal pattern to your depression. Winter depression (seasonal affective) is something that affects a lot of people both people who also deal with other kinds of depression that happens to get worse in the winter as well as people who just deal with depression in the winter. Light affects how our bodies release and absorb neurotransmitters such as serotonin and most believe that a major contributing factor for winter depression is that we get less light when it is colder outside and darker outside. Exposure to light can make a big difference. If you are someone who is awake during the day (not someone who works the night shift :) )---one simple change you can make is keeping your curtains in your bedroom light enough as to let some light in in the morning. This will give you light right off the start of the day and can make it easier to get going in the morning. Beyond this, keeping windows cleared from blinds so that you get that natural light or even taking a short 10 or 15 minute walk each day can get you both light and exercise to help fight off the depression. Outside this, as others have suggested a light box is a popular method of warding off the depression however some of these may expose you to UV light and so this is something to check in with both with the light box manufacturer and with your doctor to make sure you have a good understanding of the risks and benefits for that. Lastly, just making sure you continue to do things that lift your mood, that you have time with other people, and that you reach out if you do find yourself in a space of needing help are all things you can do to ward off the depression. Wishing you well!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "This is actually pretty common. When winter hits, we tend to find ourselves huddled inside from the cold. Not to mention the sun is out for a much shorter time. It will be helpful to get as much sunlight as possible. Get outside when you can. Open up the blinds and drapes. Use a sunlight if you want to (amazon has some for reasonable prices). Stay connected to friends and family. Try to engage in activities that make you feel positive, productive, and connected."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Cold climate is often accompanied by grey skies, snow and ice. The elements along with wind, windchill and severely cold temperatures may lead to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and low energy. For some people these symptoms occur each year from late fall to early spring and may be suffering from a condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Whether you have been diagnosed with SAD or are finding yourself struggling with the winter blues for the first time here are some suggestions for feeling better and staying healthy.1. NutritionMost likely you have heard the term comfort food. These foods and snacks are high in carbohydrates, sugar and fat. Avoid overeating cookies, cakes and candy. Chose vegetables, fruit and protein for snacks and plan balanced meals. If you find yourself wanting to eat or snack throughout the day, ask yourself why you are eating. Are you hungry? Or Are you eating because you are bored?2. AlcoholKeep in mind that alcohol is a depressant so consuming wine, beer or liquor when already feeling sad, anxious or depressed will only add to your symptoms. Do not consume alcohol while engaging in outdoor activities such as snow removal, skiing, or ice fishing. If you find yourself reaching for an additional glass of wine or beer be mindful and ask whether you are doing it due to boredom. Instead of mindlessly taking another glass of alcohol, drink a glass of water. 3. SunlightGet out in the sunlight or brightly lit spaces, especially early in the day.4. Be activeIf you are unable to go to your favorite gym, exercise class or go for a run, find a way to stay active in your home. There are a lot of short, instructional programs available on YouTube that you can follow to do some gently yoga, dance, or do strengthening exercises using only your body weight.5. Reach out for help Confide in someone you trust about how you are feeling. Do not hesitate to contact a counselor if you feel that you are becoming more depressed and anxious. If you experience thoughts of suicide call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "First of all, it is excellent that you are self aware and able to identify the pattern to your moods. Many people suffer from the winter blues, which is called Seasonal Affective Disorder. Some people notice that during the Fall and Winter months, they tend to struggle with signs and symptoms of depression such as sadness or hopelessness, lethargy, sleeping to much or too little, changes in appetite, loss of interest in usual interests, and possibly suicidal thoughts. It would be best to consult with a therapist experienced in this disorder, as they will be able to guide you towards possible solutions such as changing negative thought patterns, light therapy, exercise, nutritional support, and possibly medication."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Many peope uffer from changes in mood when the winter time comes. The amount of daylight hours decreases significantly. Most times it is dark when you go to work and dark when you return home. There are special lights that can be used during the winter season to counteract the \"winter time blues.\" Also, paying attention to self care. Are you sleeping enough, attending to physical illness? Exercising and eating a balanced diet? Make sure to schedule fun activities and spend time with loved ones."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "About 3 million people in the United States suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Seasonal affective disorder or seasonal depression occurs during the same season every year. You might have feel feeling depressed the past two winters, but cheered up during the warmer months. Or you may have felt down during the summer.Everyone could get seasonal depression, but it tends to be much more common in :People who have families who have SADWomenIndividuals between 15 and 55 years oldIndividuals who live in an areas where winter daylight time is very shortNo mental health experts are exactly sure of what specifically causes SAD, but many think lack of sunlight is a big trigger. This lack of light could mess up your circadian rhythms or cause problems with serotonin which is the chemical that affects your mood.You might be wondering if you have seasonal depression or SAD. Here are the symptoms:Feeling grumpy, sad , nervous of having mood swingsAnhedonia or lack of pleasure in things you normally loveEating much more or less than usualGaining weightSleeping a lot more than you normally do, but still feeling sluggingDifficulty concentratingIt is so important to look at SAD in a holistic manner before getting diagnosed. In addition to therapy, it's crucial to see your doctor so she or he can run blood tests to rule out any other conditions that may be making you feel blue. One of these common ones is hypothyroidism or low thyroid. At Makin Wellness, we could do the mental heath assessment .TreatmentThere are multiple ways to help treat seasonal depression. Light therapy can be used, but counseling is one of the most effective ways of treating SAD. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a skilled therapist can help you learn more about seasonal depression , how to manage your symptoms and ways to prevent future episodes. Medication can also be prescribed and taken to help alleviate some or your symptoms. Antidepressants such as Zoloft, Effexor and Wellbutrin are most commonly prescribed for SAD. Be sure to talk with your doctor and therapist about any side effects from your medication."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "One theory is that instead of \"fighting\" your feelings, accept your sad feelings and work with them. Feeling sad may open many doors to reflect and make peace with the source of your sadness.Also, I believe fighting against the natural cycle of rest and hibernation may not even be possible to succeed. Winter for most creatures is a time of withdrawal and slowdown. Our bodies and moods are part of nature as well. Fighting what is part of nature seems like a tiring fight which the person will lose.Last point, there are the winter holidays to break up the dark and cold of winter. Maybe you can invent some of your own winter celebrations so you'll have a few gatherings to look forward to hosting."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Sometimes its quite literally the lack of sunshine that can affect our mood - in these cases it can be worth experimenting with a sun lamp, to boost your dose of vitamin D, when the sun isn't naturally out. Also consider, what is it that the change in weather, changes in your life? If for example, when its sunny you are an outdoorsy, active person and when the weather changes, you're whole activity level changes along with it, you could explore how to get some of that activity replicated indoors in the winter months."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Change your total daily routine, different route, different lunch, different afternoon. Sit outside for 10 minutes three times every day, use a therapy light during the day, aroma-therapy oils for stimulation, but....keep your routine bedtimes and wake up times......and exercise at least 3 times per week, if after several weeks you are not feeling better....talk with your doctor."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Seasonal depression can be difficult due to the weather being a primary trigger. Understanding that we have very little control over the weather, therefore we can focus on the things we can change. Exercising, meditation, guided imagery, and deep breathing can be beneficial to combat seasonal depression. It may help to join a support group and seek out therapy to assist you on this healing journey."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "There can be lots of different factors contributing to this. Here are some possible tips:Consider if you know anything about what specifically is making you feel sad? If you're looking for activities because you cannot participate in what you like to do in the warmer months, consider finding some indoor winter activitiesConnect with others. One idea is to join a group (such as a book club) that meets regularly. This could give you something to look forward to regardless of the colder weather.Enjoy the sunshine from indoors. You may notice that sometimes looks are deceiving women is bright and sunny outside, but is also quite cold when you open the door. If you are staying inside for the day, consider allowing yourself to enjoy the sunlight without specifically considering that it is also cold.Consider using a light box. Certain types of light boxes are designed to help with the \"winter blues.\" You can find more information here:http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/light-therapy/home/ovc-20197416Recently, one of the nurse practitioners that I work with has been checking a lot of vitamin D and vitamin B12 levels and she says the lower levels of these vitamins can contribute to feelings of less motivation or energy than is desired.Each of us has days when we are not thrilled about the weather and may be feeling sort of \"bummed\" or \"down.\" If you find yourself having these days frequently or for several consecutive days in the above strategies are not helping, consider talking with a therapist about more specific strategies that may be of help to you. Also, because if everything you would see is likely to live in your area, they would be familiar with the weather patterns where you are and may have some tips that they use for themselves or With other clients."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am going through a divorce. He is extremely angry. He refuses to physically assist me with our teenager daughter. I have no extended family support. Often times, I feel overwhelmed, tired, and joyless. I feel out of control, sad and depressed on a daily basis. I am just going through the motions of life every day. I am in my mid-50s. I have almost 29 years on my job. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Going through a divorce is often a very low point for the people involved.Are you surprised that your soon to be ex doesn't help with your teenage daughter?Usually patterns and dynamics in parenting are not sudden developments.Is it possible that what you're feeling now is more intensity to the stress of parenting by yourself, not that this is a sudden problem?This is relevant because you may be more familiar and more capable than you're giving yourself credit. The lack of emotional support is definitely stressful.Your parenting skills may still be at the level at which they were prior to the divorce.Take your emotional weariness seriously and reflect on the various ways of stress relief which are available and interest you.Give yourself extra time to rest, nurture yourself and be flexible in finding what feels right for stabilizing yourself.Since you talk about your daughter and help in physical ways, if it is a matter of strength that you need, talk with your attorney so that the child custody agreement includes whatever is physically necessary in the way of strength, in taking care of your daughter.The Courts are very good at making effort that the custody agreement offers proper care to the kids."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am going through a divorce. He is extremely angry. He refuses to physically assist me with our teenager daughter. I have no extended family support. Often times, I feel overwhelmed, tired, and joyless. I feel out of control, sad and depressed on a daily basis. I am just going through the motions of life every day. I am in my mid-50s. I have almost 29 years on my job. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "You are in the midst of a really hard time and it sounds like you have no help at all. Search out a local support group through community counseling type centers. If you can't find a group, at least get in to see a therapist who can help you manage stress and upset better. Your sadness, depression and out-of-control feelings don't mean there is something wrong with you - they just mean that your circumstances are too big for your current resources to handle, so get some help. Take care of YOU and you'll be able to get through this."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "If you are a people-pleaser type or a natural caretaker, you can slowly \"lose yourself\" over time if you are always tending to the needs of others and neglecting yourself. If this sounds like a familiar pattern for you, this may have happened without you even realizing it if you were raised in a family where you had to pick up the slack alot. Maybe your parents were addicts or they might have even just worked all the time and you learned to \"take care of everything\" because that is what you had to do to help the family run smoothly.Over time, a person who grows up in this type of environment learns that you put the needs of others before your own. You might also be stuck in these types of patterns in intimate relationships as well; if you completely give yourself over to your significant other and you don't create a life for yourself with your own interests and supportive friends, you are at risk of losing what is unique and amazing about you. If you grew up in a family where you learned this role out of survival or because it was needed to take care of your family, it's easy to re-create this in adult relationships.In both scenarios, if there is no awareness that this \"self sacrifice at the expense of others\" is going on, your identity is shaped around being a caretaker/enabler/people-pleaser and down the road it can lead to depression, low self esteem, and a confused sense of self. Basically, you spend so much time helping other people that you don't make time for yourself or create a life of fulfillment. Before you realize it, you have been living a life for others instead of yourself and you have no idea who YOU are. Supporting loved ones and friends is important and certainly admirable, but if you are always that person that rescues, those that rely on you begin to take advantage of you and they will suck you dry if you let them. In conclusion, learning to set boundaries with those in your life that are too needy becomes a really important part of the process when you begin to recognize that you are unhappy and unfulfilled in life. It sounds like you may be at that crossroads right now. Take one small step at at a time. Identify the worst offenders in your life that suck time and energy, and limit your contact and/or set some strong boundaries with those people so you can refocus and do some soul-searching. Meanwhile, engage in pleasurable activities with people you enjoy being with, get yourself outside in the fresh air, get some good sleep, and eat some nourishing food!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "Give yourself credit for what you already know.For instance, you do know that you're unsure about your life direction.Take off any pressure on yourself to decide an answer in a certain amount of time. Inner reflection work takes time and has its own course. Trust that answers will show once you've done the work to understand yourself and circumstance, and the relationships in your life.From what you describe, your interest is in a broad scope life change.One direction is to start with only one specific part of your life you would like to change. By examining one area in detail you will gain self-trust and confidence in handling your life. And, you will have clarity as to which area to change first."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing! It can be very disorienting not to know what you want and where you are headed. Sometimes we are so focused on something we haven't achieved yet or on comparing ourselves to others that we lose touch with what we actually want and need. At times like this, it's important to go back to basics.Try out this simple exercise,take a few minutes to write down all your present responsibilities. For example: make meals, complete homework...etc. Then in the column next to it, write down the things that you do for yourself to recharge yourself and to enjoy your time.Is your list of responsibilities way longer than your list of stuff you do for yourself? It is easy to get lost in the sea of responsibilities and disconnect from what you want and need. To fix that, write another list of things that you enjoyed doing in the past for yourself and start incorporating them into your schedule on a regular basis. This will help you re-connect with yourself, and bring focus and clarity to your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "Check this blog out: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listHope you find a few nuggets of helpfulness in this."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "It sounds as if you would benefit from talking with a local mental health professionals so you can discuss some details.Having said that, I wonder if you could consider how you would define yourself to someone who doesn't know you. For example, honest, adaptable, fun-loving, dependable, compassionate, open-minded, dedicated, etc. If you're looking for a list of adjectives, try these:https://www.englishclub.com/vocabulary/adjectives-personality-positive.htm . There is a list of negative ones here too. If you're going to use those, try to use three positive ones for each of the negative ones. You could also try asking yourself what you love about yourself and/or what others love about you. Sometimes it's easier to consider what others see as our positive points and if this is difficult for you, try asking someone who you trust to help you with the list.The idea here is to look at your relationship with yourself. I don't mean this in a way that you would be talking to yourself and receiving answers, but rather looking at yourself in a way that you deserve the same kind of loving and compassion that you give to others or want others to have.I'm also curious as to whether you are eating and sleeping okay, as these things can really affect your focus and many other changes, such as differences in your emotions. Also, you saying that you are struggling to put things into perspective leads me to believe that you are going through some things right now that are not typical for you, if so, consider from whom you have support and the ability to talk about what you are going through.Consider Metta meditation here to help give yourself loving kindness:http://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm not suicidal and wouldn't take my own life, but sometimes, I've wished for an accident to occur and take it. I feel like I just shouldn't be here and wish I wouldn't have been born so I didn't have to go through life. For me, it's a chore, but I don't know if that's normal or a sign of something.", "answerText": "Sounds like a sign of great unhappiness, or sadness, or insecurity.The real way you'll find out what this feeling is about is to ask yourself your own question. Inside you are the only one who will feel when you discover the true answer to your question.Everyone feels some amount of discontent in their lives once in a while. Its normal to not feel entirely happy all the time.Try to accept your unhappiness as motivation to learn more about who you are, what you like, whom you like.Study yourself bc this way you increase the chance to find a road which feels right and happy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I can't even smile or fake one. I can't feel happiness about anything and I can't show love towards another person not even my girlfriend. I hate myself sometimes. All I see is ugly. I can't get over the loss of a loved one and I'm not close to my family. What can I do?", "answerText": "Trust and believe your own feelings.Emotions are real and reflect how someone feels about a situation.Since you're sad about losing a loved one, be patient w your feelings about this. Basically, be guided by how you feel and eventually you will feel different emotions which I hope will be happier ones."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "You're probably not going to like my answer.Your question says a lot about what YOU want rather than what she wants or what may be best for her. Sometimes, what's best for a person is the hardest thing to do, and may be completely opposite of what YOU want.Addictions don't happen in a vacuum. If you've had any experience with addicts at all, then I'm sure you've heard the term \"enabler\". A lot of the times, when people think they're \"helping\", they're actually enabling the addict to continue their self-destructive behavior. Tough love and clear boundaries are needed in a lot of situations, but especially with addictions. Family and friends are often the biggest contributing factor to someone choosing to use/drink, continuing to do so, or relapsing back into it.You said she recently quit. You said she is depressed. She wants to move. When a person receives counseling for addictions, they are encouraged to make changes like this. They need to break the habit, and this means removing people from their lives at times. It means moving to new locations. Anything that may trigger a relapse needs to be identified and removed. Not only that, but the addict needs to do a lot of personal reflection to figure out WHY they use/drink in the first place, and not only break the physical addiction to it, but deal with whatever is the root cause that led them to use in the first place. She may need some time alone to figure out who she is as a person, time to make some decisions for herself and do what she needs to do to be healthy.Don't pressure her to stay. Let her have the freedom to do what she needs to do. If she stays, the decision needs to be hers and hers alone. It doesn't need to be made under pressure. That will only lead to resentment. Support her, but don't try to change her or make her do anything, especially for selfish reasons. Let her go. It sounds like she needs some time to focus on herself right now. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to do the same."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "I would say talk to her about her depression. The best thing you can do is let her know that you are there for her as a support system. I would encourage her to talk more if it helps and encourage her to get move involved in doing activities she likes to do. Also, getting connected in a community of people is important to help with feeling depressed. Encourage her to speak with a therapist or counselor to address her depression as she has made a major change in her life by deciding to stop drinking. She may believe moving is the best to help with this. You can share with her that you want her to stay and express to her how you feel. Ultimately, you will have to respect her boundaries and the decision she chooses to make. She may want to move and this may be what she feels is best for her life. If she does choose to move that will be her decision. It sounds like she is trying to do what is going to make her happy. Maybe staying in the city she is currently in is causing her more feelings of sadness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "People often have very different values and opinions when they are drinking excessively and when they stop drinking so much.Did the two of you share drinking as an activity? If yes, then did you stop drinking too?Often when partners meet each other as drinking buddies when one gets sober, the relationship ends. Once the terms of any relationship changes, one possibility is that it dissolves.The best way to go is to start the conversation of what you genuinely want. This is the only way she'll really know your thoughts.Ask her to give serious consideration and discussion over at least a few weeks or months, to moving away from you. This is a fair request since you are in a relationship.If she's changed so much by giving up drinking, which is possible, that she no longer wants to be in relationship to you, then you are better off being without a drinking gf, even if the truth she delivers is a hurtful one."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "After stopping the abuse of alcohol, depressive symptoms are common. She may benefit from exploring why she wants to move and see if she would still want to move if she did not feel depressed. 12 step meetings can also be helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "You should start by speaking with her about what has her so down. Have their been some significant events in her life that have affected her? Have their been significant events in your relationship that can be affecting you both? If she just stopped drinking, she may be struggling to finding an alternativeand healthier behavior. This is something the two of you can explore together. Also, if need be perhaps she can speak to a therapist to discuss her feelings about quitting alcohol. It sounds like you really care and right now she could use all the support she can get despite her pushing you away."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager. My dad has been jail for the last five years. It's tough, but my mom really tries to give a normal life to my two sisters, my brother, and I. I feel like I took upon a parent role when I'm the second youngest, and I'm not stable. My mother and sisters say I'm overdramatic. Im just so hurt, and I keep breaking down.", "answerText": "Each person handles themselves differently in any situation.Since you are willing to speak about how you feel, keep looking for blogs and forums on whatever topics you feel most describe your current circumstance.Your mother and sister, even though they are family seem to prefer the opposite method to yours.Find your own path of supportive other people and possibly a therapist.This way youll have understanding and validation which your mom and sister dont want to give you right now."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager. My dad has been jail for the last five years. It's tough, but my mom really tries to give a normal life to my two sisters, my brother, and I. I feel like I took upon a parent role when I'm the second youngest, and I'm not stable. My mother and sisters say I'm overdramatic. Im just so hurt, and I keep breaking down.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have a lot of weight on your shoulders.I'm not sure what you mean when you say you're not stable and you are breaking down. If you are crying because you're sad, that is okay. If you are crying a lot or having trouble eating or sleeping, that's different than just crying sometimes because you are sad. It may be helpful to talk with a local mental health professional in your area. They can help you to figure out what you could do differently to have the role in your family that you would like while also supporting yourself and what you want."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "Good for you on being sensitive to your human need for personal evolution.Wife and mother are meaningful positions. And in your case, in order to feel your own growth, other areas of who you are would like your attention.Give yourself time to allow your interest to wander in order to find the area of growth which will satisfy you.Just like you know now that you'd like more than your current situation, trust yourself to know you will also know when you've arrived at another road you'd like to take for your own happiness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "Being a parent can be all-consuming. And there are more societal pressures on mothers to be everything to their children and families. In that effort to be everything (cook, housekeeper, planner, social organizer, teacher, etc) it can be easy to forget about being you. We can certainly acknowledge that becoming a mother likely means giving up or sacrificing parts of yourself for motherhood. There are parts of becoming a mother that can be wonderful and magical, and parts of it that can be just flat out hard. I think it is very important however, for all parents to ask for what they need and to carve out the time to nurture their individuality. This may not only be supportive to you, but it sets a great example for your kids about how to advocate for their needs, and teach them about the depth and interests of their mother."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "It is not easy being a wife and mother. You have shifted roles in your life. You went from having a career to focusing on your family. Transitioning can be hard, especially when we feel we gave something up that we really wanted. I want to acknowledge you for wanting to be the best wife and mother you can. I think it is great that you are self-aware and want to work on this.Feeling \"unhappy and trapped\" may also mean that you are believing these negative thoughts are absolutely true. We have lots and lots of thoughts throughout the day. Sometimes we pay a lot of attention to some and some we ignore. Right now these thoughts are getting a lot of your attention and perhaps you are thinking because you are thinking them they are true. Is it really true that you trapped? You also said that you have an amazing life. It doesn't sound like you are only having negative thoughts. You have some positive ones, too. However, you are giving a lot of weight to the negative thoughts, more weight than the positive ones.I also wonder if you are struggling with the fact that you are even having this thought. One thing that can be helpful is to recognize that you are having a thought, that it is a negative thought, that thinking it does not make it true, and to let it go. This is the basis for mindfulness work that can be really helpful. It is a great place for you to start so you can balance out your thoughts and emotions.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "It sound like there are some parts of your life that you really enjoy it and also some things that you wish were different.You say you feel like nothing more than a wife and mom, so I wonder if you could make a list of what else you are (friend, daughter, etc.). I also wonder if you could list your positive attributes or skills.I don't know what you gave up, but I wonder if there is some way that you could spend an hour or so a week working on things that you like and/or spending some time with what you did before you had children. For example, if you're missing a certain part of your career, maybe you could work with your husband to come up with a plan where you could do whenever that is for one day a week. There are often a lot of small changes that can lead you in that direction.Of course, that is assuming that you want to continue being involved with what you were doing before. If not, what else do you want to do? What is it that makes you feel happy? What do you look forward to? Remember that looking forward to having an hour or two where you can do something for yourself does not mean that you are not a good mother or wife. These ideas can coexist.Can you talk with your husband about how you are feeling? Do you have trust for one another with feelings such as these?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", "answerText": "Thank you for asking this important question. I find that there are three steps to getting ready for treatment.Step one is expressing interest in wanting to receiving treatment for the outcome of positive behavioral change. Congratulations you did the first step! You are showing your readiness to start counseling by asking this question.Now the second step is to find a counselor who specializes in treating clients with Anxiety and Depression. The therapeutic orientations I have found to be helpful in treating clients with Anxiety and Depression are a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Mindfulness, and Solution Focused Brief Therapy. Receiving meditation for your symptoms if part of the treatment, and the other part is receiving counseling to increase your resilience for future events.Research has found that medication and psychotherapy treatments together shows the most effective outcome for Depression. The third step is to increase your positive self-talk to motivate yourself to attend treatment. As counselors, we are aware of the anxieties and fears that are associated with talking to a new professional for the first time. However, remind yourself that you are doing this to improve your well being. I hope this was helpful, and good luck with your treatment journey."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", "answerText": "Certainly counselling can help. however, there is a caveat, namely, you will need the right counsellor with the right approach. This leads to two questions: 1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor, and 2) What is the right approach?1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor? The right counsellor will almost certainly have a lot of experience. He or she will have done a lot personal work and have an ongoing practice of inner work both on their own and with the support of an experienced therapist. This person will be viewing you as a human being with challenges, not as a diagnostic category. He or she will be willing to work with you over an extended period of time and have experience doing such work. Further they will be well versed in approaches that are responsive to you in the moment and overall. The in-depth work will be collaborativel designed in an ongoing way that is responsive to you, the moment, your overall life experience, and their in-the-moment experience. It goes without saying that you will subjectively evaluate the felt sense of connection with this person and the feeling that they are invested in their work with you, value you as a human being, and value the connection. As well, it is crucial that you feel this connection and that your therapist 'gets you.' 2) What is the right approach? As Carl Jung stated, \"When the doctor sits down with the patient he (or she) must drop all theories and learn the theory of this person.\" The approach must include a bond between you and your therapist that is in a continuous process of development, attention to pre-verbal imprinting, development of awareness ability, ongoing development of the ability to attend to and stay with inner experience, development of a process orientation, attention to egoic structures that were seeded from the earliest days in the service of perceptions of threats to needs being met, identification of current egoic states and work with these inner selves and their relationship with each other to facilitate movement from developmental points of arrest, increased ability to access and contain non-ordinary states of consciousness, attending to what is, and working with this in the service of moving towards optimal human development.depression is generally experienced as the system shutting down. anxiety is a signal that something is wrong. anxiety is not the problem. it is a sign that there is a problem. the core of these issues is a lack of inner security that is the outcome of insufficient bonding. the work of psychotherapy is to establish an environment and relationship that will facilitate work with the bonding ruptures and re-initiation of the developmental process that stopped at an early stage."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", "answerText": "My initial response: consider a more comprehensive MH assessment to determine other factors. A medical evaluation is warranted to rule out poor health issues. Blood work is helpful. Review what hadn't helped."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", "answerText": "From whom do you get anti-depressants?This person should be talking with you to know whether the pills are helping or not.Trust your own instinct that the pills aren't helping you.Pills work differently for everyone and not all people feel better from them.It is also possible the particular pills have lost their effectiveness because after around six to eight months, this usually happens.Try to understand what is depressing you. This is slow work since you may have many theories.Just by addressing your own emotional needs and life structure in a caring and respectful way, may improve your mood so that you'll feel less depressed."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There are many people willing to lovingly provide me with a home. I have food, clothes, and a university education, but I never feel like I belong. Even when I have a good time with people who are supposed to be close, I feel like I'm just out with friends and I never go home.", "answerText": "From the little bit you wrote, my guess is you haven't figured out where and how to lay down your own set of roots.Usually people who have a university level eduction are old enough to work in order to support themselves.Unless you have a medical condition which limits or prevents you from working a full-time job, would you guess that the effort and thought involved in deciding in what professional area and geographic location to look for work, would offer you a way to establish your identity?My suggestion is to pay more attention to your own likes, dislikes, and interests. To know these areas more deeply would define the type of people with whom you identify, have a common interest and with whom you'd like to socialize.The more you realize who you are, the easier time you'll have to find like-minded others and feel securely at home with them and yourself.Again, if you have a medical disability or condition which prevents employment or easily socializing with other people, then this advice would need to be modified for your specific strengths."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There are many people willing to lovingly provide me with a home. I have food, clothes, and a university education, but I never feel like I belong. Even when I have a good time with people who are supposed to be close, I feel like I'm just out with friends and I never go home.", "answerText": "For some people, having a sense of belonging takes some time.You mentioned that you have an education and some basic daily needs. I wonder if you may be able to look at your relationship with yourself and what makes you feel happy, safe, and having a sense of accomplishment. If you have those feelings, I wonder how you define trust and who you trust.You say you have a good time with people who are \"supposed to be close,\" so I wonder what keeps them from feeling close. I have also wondering if you have been emotionally hurt in the past, and if so, you may have some protective defenses that you use (maybe on purpose, maybe not) to protect yourself from being hurt again. Remember that this idea comes in degrees where you can be more perfect in certain situations and a little less in others. Being emotionally protected is on a spectrum or continuum, where you can make an infinite amount of adjustments or changes with different people and situations.I also wonder what it is that you want in your \"home,\" and how you define it. Consider giving yourself permission to think about how you would define your perfect home in a world where there were no realistic restrictions (such as money or location). After you have that, consider what parts of that you can have. Perhaps there is a small part that you could make a reality within a week or so.Thank you for reaching out. If this continues to be difficult for you, consider seeing a local mental health professional so you can discuss some more specific details."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am really worried about one of my friends because I think he has major depression. He disagrees with me on that. He is shut off when it comes to talking to people and telling them how he really feels. He told me he feels empty inside and the only emotions he feels are anger and sadness. I suggested to him to get help and talk to his mom about it but he refuses.", "answerText": "First of all, I can tell that you really care about your friend and I think it's great that you are reaching out with your concern. It's hard to determine whether your friend would meet the criteria for an official diagnosis of depression without working with him, however, whether he does or not, therapy may be beneficial for him in working through these difficult feelings and relational challenges. Unfortunately, you can't make your friend get help. He will ultimately need to make that decision for himself, however, you can talk to him about your concerns and your hopes that he will reach out for help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've become so jaded that I can't control my thoughts. I cannot focus on anything and been having anxiety attacks.", "answerText": "Maybe your thoughts require your attention and the best course would be to pay attention and follow them!If you're in an especially stressful or uncertain time in your life, then the best way through is to understand the tension you feel.It keeps trying to get you to know whats going on deep within you.Anxiety is a sign of stress and weariness. Your thoughts are a chance to simply rest and know what they would like you to know.Then, when that process is finished your anxiety will no longer be necessary and will most likely leave you alone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've become so jaded that I can't control my thoughts. I cannot focus on anything and been having anxiety attacks.", "answerText": "I imagine that it's pretty disconcerting to feel as though you lost yourself.When you said that you are jaded, I'm not sure whether you mean that you are jaded toward someone, something, life in general, or some combination thereof.One of the difficult things about anxiety is that anxiety can lead to more anxiety because of being concerned about having another panic attack. Consider remembering that panic attacks usually only last a few minutes and the reason they don't go away right away is because of the way your brain releases chemicals because some part of your brain is reacting as if you are in danger in some way.As far as finding yourself, you may consider looking at what parts of each day you can control as a way to stay centered. You could also focus on something that makes you feel happy and/or comfortable.You may also consider the list of values here to give yourself an idea of what is most important to you, what it is that you are living by now, and what values you would prefer to live by.http://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values-clarificationIf this proves to be difficult, consider seeing a local therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I get around a particular person or when I go home, I'm just sad or irritated. The feeling comes and goes all day every day. I don't know what wrong. I'm not sure if I'm just making up symptoms and problems in my head or if there is something actually wrong.", "answerText": "Feelings are real, is very unlikely that you are making them up since they are a response to the thoughts in your mind and your daily experiences and interactions. Often we assume that feeling sadness is bad and that we should only feel happiness and joy; but all feelings have a purpose: joy, sadness, anger, frustration, excitement, anxiety, among others. Is not healthy to experience the same feeling for a long time, so we should learn to identify what causes them and how to process them so you can navigate through life experiences with more ease. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing services in West Houston. You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Me he estado sintiendo tristeCuando salgo con una persona en particular o cuando llego a casa, estoy triste o irritado. El sentimiento viene y va todo el da. No s qu est mal. No estoy seguro si estoy inventando los sntomas y problemas en mi cabeza o si algo realmente est mal. Los sentimientos son muy reales, y es muy poco probable que los ests inventando, por que los sentimientos son una respuesta tanto a los pensamientos que hay en nuestra cabeza, y, a las situaciones que nos ocurren da a da. Muchas veces pensamos que sentirnos triste est mal, y que solo debemos sentirnos alegres, pero todas las emociones tienen un propsito y razn de ser, tanto la alegra, como la tristeza, el coraje, la frustracin, la excitacin o el desespero, entre otros. No es bueno quedarnos estancados una emocin. As que es importante aprender a identificar que causa nuestros sentimientos, como procesarlos para poder superar nuestras emociones y movernos de una experiencia a otra con ms tranquilidad. Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia. Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel lazy and numb. I have no interest in things.", "answerText": "Maybe right now it is time for you to rest before the next wave of new activity comes along.To have \"no interest\" may mean you are already so saturated with recent situations and their meaning that you are naturally withdrawing in order to regain your energy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm currently struggling with diagnosed depression, anxiety, and Misophonia. Also, I am 99% sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the DSM-IV, taken college psychology, etc. I know it in my heart I have them. Is self-diagnosing okay with the right research?", "answerText": "Any diagnosis is limited in its usefulness.Knowing the name of some typical ways you may feel, think and behave, doesn't help you or anyone to understand why the person is the way they are and how to change any of these characteristics.Both self-diagnosing and being diagnosed are equally unhelpful to know why you are the way you are and what to do about it.Consider yourself a person who wants to find a better way to be who you are, and this will get you further with better results than to read a list of descriptions which all are very indicting and negative sounding."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm currently struggling with diagnosed depression, anxiety, and Misophonia. Also, I am 99% sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the DSM-IV, taken college psychology, etc. I know it in my heart I have them. Is self-diagnosing okay with the right research?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Self-diagnosing is something that we all do about one health issue or another. Taking a guess about what may or may not be happening to us is completely normal, however the actual clinical diagnoses of a mental health disorder requires a licensed mental health professional. Here are a few reasons for this: 1. Making a clinical diagnosis often requires other things besidesmatching upthe symptoms of a disorder. To come to a diagnoses for any of the things you mentioned, a counselorwould consult theDSM, but theymay alsouse some type of screening tool, assessment or scale. Many disorders have similarities and it requires someone with training to tease out the differences in the symptoms. 2. Our judgement is sometimes off when it comes to assessing ourselves. We really can't be objective. Something as serious as determining a diagnosis really needs to be done by someone who has that objectivity. In addition, once you know your diagnosis, treating it usually requires help from a professional. 3. Sometimes the symptoms of a mental health disorder makes self-diagnoses impossible, in and of itself. For example, someone could be having hallucinations or delusions and not realize it. That would clearly make it impossible for them to diagnose themselves. There a many examples where something like this could happen with different mental health disorders. There are other reasons, but these arethree important ones. Now, does this mean that you are wrong about your diagnosis? Maybe not. You may be correct. But,it is important to get this confirmed by a professional mental health clinician. If a disorder is then found, you can begin to talk about treatment. Hope this was helpful. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "In the past year, two of my best and only close friends moved to different states. Now I have nobody to hang out with. I'm always alone, and I honestly haven't hung out with anyone since they left. I'm super lonely. What should I do to make new friends? Because they moved and I have no friends now, I think I'm falling into a depression or something. I just need help.", "answerText": "Definitely it is sad to lose friends who are a regular part of daily life.How did you meet the two friends who just moved away? Its possible that you could look for similar situations and see if anyone catches your interest to know as a friend.Keeping in mind that friendship is based on trust and common interests, and that these qualities require time to observe and develop, think of what you can do to keep happy while these paths unfold.In addition to being open to meeting new friends, involve yourself in projects from which you'll feel satisfied by your own results."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am the problem. I make my family argue because of me. My mom has even said it. It's constantly like this. I cause problems. I am worthless. I can't stop crying. Sometimes I have to cry myself to sleep. I can't even leave my room because my family can't stand me.", "answerText": "I am so very sorry for how pressured and sad you feel right now.Definitely all family members have an effect on the other ones.From what you write, your family members are not considering the effect their negative comments have on you.Also, keep in mind that each person is responsible for deciding to argue or find a different way to discuss a problem. You are not in control of the other people in your family.More likely they take the easy way out and blame you for what they don't want to know about themselves.Stay aware that the family's decision to target you doesn't mean that you are doing something wrong. Certainly your existence is not wrong, which is the degree to which the unfairness seems to have spread.What to do about it is read about family systems to see more explanations on how you are being unfairly treated.Also stay in touch with friends bc these are the people who value and respect you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm depressed often, and my mind goes a million miles a minute. Every once in a while, things are okay for a few days. After a bit, I start noticing that I am picking at my skin profusely. After roughly a week, the anxiety is back and still picking. Sometimes I find myself causing fights to have change.", "answerText": "One way to know yourself a little better and why the dynamics you describe take place, is to understand the particular dynamics of your life context.Look at your major areas of where you spend your time, whether you are happy with the people with whom you socialize, how you feel toward family members and how they seem to feel toward you.If you examine your relationships and life this way then you may start to notice areas where you have some control or at least a say in how your life is going.If you are socializing among people whom you don't like, have a job you don't like and your family mistreats you and you mistreats them, for example, then anxiety and depression are an understandable natural result.If you make improvements in your life and relationships, even tiny improvements and even the effort and intention to improve, you may find your anxiety and depression dissipating.People usually feel their worst when they feel lack of control in their life.Look for ways you can regain and/or strengthen yours."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm depressed often, and my mind goes a million miles a minute. Every once in a while, things are okay for a few days. After a bit, I start noticing that I am picking at my skin profusely. After roughly a week, the anxiety is back and still picking. Sometimes I find myself causing fights to have change.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that you are struggling. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some of my colleagues will add something else. Depression and anxiety can both be chronic conditions, as you have experienced. This means that they may always require treatment in order to have some kind of relief from them. Treatment could mean medication or some kind of counseling. Some people may take medication for the rest of their lives. Some people may go to counseling at times when the depression and anxiety worsens. As you mentioned, sometimes the symptoms improve for a little while, but they can also come back. When they do, it is important to talk to your medical provider if you are getting medication, and/or to go back to your counselor and talk to them about the symptoms that have returned. Skin picking and some other behaviors are not uncommon for people who are experiencing something like anxiety. Many people report that they do this when they feel anxious, and some say it calms them down. It is not really a surprise that you are constantly trying to change things and even starting fights to do so. These are ways to try to avoid, escape and distract yourself from the feelings of anxiety and depression. That is a very normal thing to do. Nobody likes these feelings, and so distraction is something we naturally try in order to get rid of them. The problem is that things like distraction and escape do not work as a long-term solution. In fact, they usually make things worse for many different reasons. Depression and anxiety can be treated, but it is likely something you will need some help with. I would recommend finding a counselor who has experience with anxiety and depression. Medication can be helpful, but I still recommend counseling. The reason for this is that the medication can help with symptoms, while the counseling can address the symptoms and provide you with very helpful skills. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "You have already taken the brave first step of making the decision to heal from it and find a professional that will help you do so. There are lots of different options nowadays for therapists, as you can see them online or in an office. My biggest tip for you is to use Psychology Today or Counsel Chat to find a therapist. Enter in your zip code and you will find many different therapists you can talk to . Be sure to find someone that you most resonate with and ask them any questions you may have. Many times, therapists will provide free consultations and this can be a great opportunity to see if you are a good fit."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "The first step, which you've taken, is actually wanting to talk to someone. It's a great sign that you are seeking to reach out for help. And there are therapists everywhere (there are even therapists online, so you don't have to be that close to them or their office.)There are several sites that I refer people to to begin the process of looking for a therapist. I usually have them start with psychologytoday.com. Once there (there is a therapist directory), you can narrow choices down by ages that they work with, insurance they accept, depression as an issue they focus in, etc. You can also narrow down by therapist's modality, but that can get complicated if you aren't too familiar with the various theoretical approaches. It's important that you find someone that you feel understands your situation. That might mean that they identify an issue you are having in their profile, or on their professional website. But, you should try to meet a couple of different therapists if you aren't quite sure. It can be challenging that first session, but your best (note, not \"THE best\") therapist will help you feel comfortable (or as comfortable as possible, given therapy can be uncomfortable especially at first) and understood from the get-go.I have found that asking friends or family for names and recommendations Is also a common way to find a therapist, because it can come from a trusted referral source. But remember that we are all different, so what works for one might not always be a good fit. And again, it could take a couple of first sessions with different therapists to know if someone is a good fit (sometimes, it can take a few sessions.) And if there is no one around that can give a name or two, then searching online is quite common and can yield positive results.And try not to give up! Finding a therapist is not easy, but finding a good one for you is extremely rewarding."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Hi,Reaching out here is a great start! I recommend looking for somebody in your area that works with people experiencing depression. After you've chosen somebody to try, feel free to call them for a consultation! A lot of counselors and therapists offer free consultations, and remember that your counselor is working for you, so make sure they are a good fit! I hope this has been of some help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Hang in there! Feeling depressed sucks but talking with someone can really help - so its awesome that you're already trying to figure out how to find that person. Tons of good suggestions already but to add my two cents - you can find therapists in your area and read a little bit about them to find someone you like the sound of via this website, and also via www.psychologytoday.com; if you have health insurance your insurer might be able to make recommendations as to therapists covered by your plan, or if you happen to be in school, the school itself should be able to connect you with either their own counselor or a center that they recommend nearby. Finding someone can take a few calls or a bit of research so if you need some immediate support, or find yourself having thoughts of hurting yourself, you can also call the great folks who run the Suicide crisis linehttps://suicidepreventionlifeline.org - they are great in moments of crisis."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Great that you realize talking with a professional counselor about how you feel, would be helpful!If you'd like a very fast response by phone, then google \"depression hotline\" for where you live. And, if you have a specific topic which upsets you then google around with this topic to see if there are services specific to your interest.If you've got time to invest in looking for the best fit therapist for yourself, then google \"therapy' or \"therapist\".There will be many, many names which come up.I know I sound like I work for google only it is the easiest way to find lots of information.I send you good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Sorry to hear you are feeling that way. Is there a 24-hour helpline where you are that you can call? Here is a website with some numbers to call: https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/ You could talk to your family doctor and they could help you find a therapist? You could also use this website to find a therapist. https://therapists.psychologytoday.com. I sincerely hope you find someone to talk to."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "If there is no one in your life with whom you feel comfortable, I would recommend identifying someone on this site, psychology today or goodtherapy.org who is in your area, then give that therapist a call to see if you would be a good match."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm constantly in a bad mood and I have no energy. Is that depression?", "answerText": "Depression has many different signs and symptoms and looks different for every person. Often times people think depression is more about feeling \"sad,\" but depression can, in fact, express itself through irritability (or bad mood as you say) and lack of energy.According to the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), depression includes the following symptoms:-Depressed mood-Irritable mood-Decreased interest or pleasure in activities you usually participate in or enjoy-Significant weight change or change in appetite-Change in sleep (insomnia or hypersomnia)-Psychomotor aggitation or retardation-Fatigue or loss in energy-Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt-Diminished ability to concentrate or indecisiveness-Thoughts of suicide or planThe great news is that there are many ways to improve depressive symptoms. If you are up for it, perhaps the best place to start is by seeing a physician or a therapist who can help determine how severe the depression is and can suggest methods of addressing the depression that fit your lifestyle, values, and capabilities. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "I wouldn't necessarily say you are clinically depressed based on that first paragraph in your question. Because that could describe more introverted behavior (people who feel more energy from a more internal approach as opposed to those who feel more energy from being among others.) It is more in the second paragraph that I would be inclined to say that further exploration is definitely needed. The diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder is more than just those two symptoms, but there are more mild forms of depression that can be equally damaging to someone if left untreated.However, one of the trickiest parts of this is that someone who feels they are not worth knowing may also believe they are not worth having a therapist know them, and even less worthy of being helped. Do you feel that might be you? If so, could we acknowledge that as a part of the big picture, and all wrapped up in these feelings about yourself, and realizing that thoughts and feelings aren't always rational (in that you are worth getting the help)?My recommendation just from the information would be that you seek out a supportive, listening ear in the form of a therapist, who can allow you the space to express some of these difficult experiences, and help you name FOR YOURSELF, what your struggle is. To empower you to name it for yourself, as opposed to everyone labeling and/or judging you for it, might be an extremely worthwhile start for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "Hi,Depression can look different for everybody. It sounds to me like what your family is trying to tell you that they are worried about you, and think this behavior might be a result of depression. If what you are experiencing seems fine and normal to you, it may be nothing to worry about.It is very common to have thoughts of doubt about yourself and your abilities, and it may help to open up about those thoughts to people you trust. Developing relationships with friends and families can be a very rewarding experience, but it can take a brave person to reach out!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "If we were in my office together, I would offer that most likely you are feeling somewhat depressed. It's most important for me to impress that you \"don't have to live like this...\" Other helpful information: Have you experienced similar symptoms before? Anyone in your family been depressed before? Based on other physiological signs, like quality of sleep, appetite, energy/motivation, I would present you with some treatment options, one of which would be to consult with a medication management provider to assess your symptoms and provide additional information for you to consider."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "I would not focus on what other people say. Do you feel what you have described impacts your day to day functioning? Try to evaluate how is your self esteem, motivation and self confidence. How about negative thoughts or hopelessness? Any concerns about your grades sliding down? If you answered yes to any questions, may be its time to see a counsellor."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "Although some people managing depression feel sad or \"down\", itis a possible to have depression without an obvious sad mood. Many people indicate that they feel numb or flat. People managing depression often have low motivation.They may stay in bed for long periods of time and only get up for absolutely necessary activities. People with depression may also feel inappropriate guilt or shame. If you have been experiencing the symptoms you described for more than two weeks, I recommend that you see a counselor to get a more in-depthevaluation. The symptoms you are experiencing are typical of depression, and with a bit of support, you could regain energy and improved self-esteem. The stigma surrounding mental health can make a diagnosis or a labelof depression seem scary. The important thing to remember is that mental health disorders are as important as and as treatable physical health disorders. Hang in there. Healing is possible!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "The answer to the question of whether or not you're depressed, is less meaningful than what you are doing to feel strong and secure in your life.Otherwise, people shortcut themselves to go deeper in understanding who they are and what they'd like to do with their lives, and accept \"depression\" as though it is their new name.What you write sounds like classic depression.What to do about this feeling is to get closer to yourself in an accepting way. Assume that what you do in daily living is somehow necessary. Unless you are doing immoral or illegal actions to other people, to accept your own wishes as truth will open you to appreciate why you do what you do.Make believe you're interesting and find out more about who you are, if you have trouble to start with thinking of yourself as worth understanding.The more you appreciate who you are and your unique strengths, vulnerabilities and fears, the more these will dissolve by what seems on their own.In fact they will disappear bc you are believing in yourself and your ways.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "I'm alway wary of assigning a term to a feeling, as often that term becomes more important than the feeling itself. From the very little that you have written, it is clear that you are going through something that has made you extremely low, affected your self-esteem and motivation, limits your enjoyment of formerly pleasurable activities and affects your feelings of self-worth. All of these are aspects of being depressed, though you can be depressed and still not have \"depression\".Counseling is definitely a place where you can go and sort out why you have had such a sudden a drastic change to your mood. Sometimes our mood can be effected by changes in our routine, losses or significant disappointments. Talking with someone will not only help you to better understand why you are feeling this way, but they will also help you to ground yourself and learn strategies and tools to help you to manage your mood and strategize for the future.I do hope that you will reach out. Feeling alone can be harmful over long periods of time, as it can stop us from seeking out the support we need."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She has trouble falling and staying asleep and she's always either extremely hungry or not hungry at all. She also gets angry and feels like crying really easily for no reason. She says she is always \"kind of down.\" Is this depression? What can I do to help her?", "answerText": "Sounds like signs of someone who is depressed.Since the person in question is your friend, offer your friendship to listen to any situations or feelings she has about herself and the way her life is going.Depressed people are often lonely people and feel as though no one around them cares or notices them. Your willingness to be available to her may lift her spirits. Feeling loved goes a long way to dissolving depressed feelings.Also, if in the beginning when you offer to talk, there is a high chance she'll be defensive and turn down your offer.Try again on another day and then another day.When people feel depressed they usually shut down. So you may need a few or several tries before your friend accepts your offer to show her you care about how she is doing.Also, watch for signs within yourself that your friends' depression is not sinking your emotions. Depressed people are draining to be around because they often see and talk about only the negatives and drawbacks of situations."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I I go through periods of moodiness. I have extreme feelings (but I bury them), and then I feel nothing - just empty and emotionless. I have trust issues, low self esteem,ban extreme fear of abandonment, and I constantly reevaluate my relationships. I also don't know who I am as a person. I'm not happy overall, but I'm not suicidal. Can I just feel happy?", "answerText": "Sometimes the way to feel happy is to address all the questions you just described.Teenage years are the first time any of us starts to feel and recognize our uniqueness. The fact that you recognize your great range of feelings, as uncomfortable as they may sometimes be, is healthy.Also healthy is that you are asking for opinions of therapists who would be familiar with when a range of feelings shows an out of the ordinary problem.One path to take is to reflect on the topics you wrote here and especially to ask yourself your reasons for how the problem started and what it would take for it to resolve.Do you have trust issues because someone broke your trust?You're entitled to a repair of your trust by the other person. Even if the person never offers this to you, to know you deserve to be restored to whole, may help you feel more secure.The same is true with the other topics, abandonment and relationships generally.The more you continue to value your unique understanding, expectations, and standards, the more likely you'll create relationships which do not have these qualities, and you will restore your sense of hope that other people may treat you in a fair and kind way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I had a very troubled up bringing and I'm currently dealing with alot right now. I know some people may not think so, but to me its a lot. I feel overwhelmed. Could this be depression? I use to be in therapy as a child. Alll throughout elementry, middle, and high school I had counseling 2-3 times a week. I haven't be in counseling lately though.", "answerText": "What matters most is how you feel and what you're doing, with whom you're interacting, whether you feel you've got enough interaction to be happy.Whether or not a clinician would decide to identify you as \"depressed\" matters much less than how you actually are feeling, if you have some ideas as to what might improve your sense of being, and how to go about reaching your goals.If therapy during your childhood made you feel better and you feel you may be depressed, then trying therapy at this point in your life, makes sense.The worst that can happen is you find you feel better than you first understood.The best that can happen is you find a caring therapist who helps you find faith in yourself again."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think adult life is making him depressed and we often sleep in on weekends untill 1 or 2 pm. We just eat, smoke weed, watch movies, and he'll go on his phone all day. He doesn't seem motivated to do much and he's often angry. I have no clue how to help him take his mind off the negative, or to distract him into a different light. How do I help him?", "answerText": "How do you help yourself to believe you require more than what he offers to you?What do you get from this relationship which feels satisfying?To answer this question may in the longterm be the best way to help your bf."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother is combative with me when I say I don't want to talk with her about my depression. She hasn't been supportive of me in the past and she isn't someone that I feel comfortable opening up to. She constantly tries to instigate conversations where she asks me questions that I don't want to or can't answer. I tell her I don't want to talk and she starts arguments with me. How can I get her to understand?", "answerText": "Your situation sounds extremely frustrating.You're doing the right move to state you don't want to discuss your depression with her.I guess you could ask if she would like to know your reason to not speak w her about your depression. If you feel she can handle a reasonable conversation, and you would like to tell her your true reason, then schedule this or bring up the topic at a neutral time, not in the middle of an argument.Having an unsupportive mom is difficult enough to accept. You may feel greater success and peach of mind to meditate on accepting her lack of understanding than to engage in arguing when she starts this."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.", "answerText": "Hello,While one can be sad from time to time, feeling sad \"all the time\" could be a sign of depression. If you feel sad on most days, it is worthwhile speaking to a psychologist to determine whether you suffer clinical depression. Feeling sadness is a normal response to loss, whether you lose a family, friend, job, or something you deem important in your life. However, feeling sadness all the time is a signal that you are not happy about something in your life. If it is related to your family and often relationship with family members could affect our self-esteem and self-worth, then perhaps it is worthwhile exploring what you find unhappy about your relationship with your family. Is it that you do not feel heard, supported or loved? Is it that you feel disrespected, disregarded or feel unimportant? These are just a few examples of common issues that people report that contribute to their depression. To help you to uncover your reasons for your sadness or depression and to cope with them in a healthier and more constructive way, it may be helpful to contact a therapist who could support you with this process. You do not have to deal with it alone. Dr. Virginia Chow, Montreal Psychologist. For more information about depression, please consult my website at www.PsychologyResource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.", "answerText": "Understandably the idea of someone who tries to control you, is good reason to feel sad.Your feelings sound like they are very strong and meaningful in your life.Keep in mind that your feelings about others has more to do with one's own self-view than with what the other person is actually doing.Unless the people in your family are actually interrupting and impeding your life in practical ways or by intimidation or other verbal ways to inhibit you, then there is a great chance your feelings of being controlled by other family members has more to do with your fears to be who you are than with any family members' actions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself.", "answerText": "Thank you for posting. I'm interested to hear some more information; such as, if you live by yourself or family, if you go to school/employed/unemployed, and what kind of things do you like to do with friends or by yourself. Often times, when we are experiencing a strong emotion that we interpret as negative, we put most of our focus on that negative emotion and struggle to see that we do not alwaysfeel that specific emotion. There are typically points in the day (even if it is for only in 1 minute intervals) when we do not feel that negative emotion. When we overgeneralize, we use words like \"always\" or \"never\" and when we use those words and it may not be totally true, we feel the negative emotion based on an inaccuracy which is not fair to you. Ask yourself some of these questions: Am I being realistic when I'm overgeneralizing things? Have I ever noticed a short period of time that I wasn't feeling anxious? What do I notice when I am feeling anxious? What am I thinking about? When was the last time I felt empathy? What was different when I was able to feel empathy? Hopefully this helps get you started."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself.", "answerText": "Empathy usually falls on a spectrum, meaning that some people show more than others. Empathy is the ability to look at the world through someone else's eyes or \"walk a mile in their shoes.\" There could be some people in your life for whom empathy is easier to feel and those for whom you have no idea what they are experiencing.Empathy is not usually categorized as an emotion, but as something related to emotions. For example, you could have empathy about someone's anxiety.I'm not sure whether you are also referring to the idea that you don't have sympathy for yourself or others. That's a different concept, but also involves different degrees.When you say you don't have emotion except anxiety, I wonder if you are saying that you have anxiety all the time and it may be covering up other emotions? If you are experiencing a lot of anxiety, try to look at what it connects to and find something that changes your focus for a few minutes. This could be any number of activities, such as watching TV, cooking, reading a book, or many other options.If you are feeling as if you are just going through the motions and not having a lot of emotions about anything, if it's just been a few days, it may just be related to a current stress that will lessen in a few days. If it has been quite a while, consider tracking your mood and looking at when you do notice changes in your emotions. There may be some variations that you are not aware of.If you continue to feel anxious and as if you don't have as many emotions as you would like, consider talking with your primary care physician or a local therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself.", "answerText": "Empathy is the ability to tap into our own experience to help us connect with others in order to be aware of how they are experiencing life. It is a skill that we learn with practice and refine as we become mature. If you are feeling anxious, maybe you are able to understand better others who are going trough anxiety. But I wonder if instead of feeling empathy, you may just want to find ways to reduce your anxiety. A good idea is to be very aware of your anxiety triggers, and once you identify them explore other ways you could react.Sera normal que no sienta empata?Parece que no puedo experimentar ninguna otra emocin que no sea ansiedad, ni si quiera por m misma.Empata es la habilidad de usar tus propias experiencias para conectarte con otros y estar consciente de la manera que ellos experimentan la vida. Es una destreza interpersonal que aprendemos y refinamos con la prctica y segn maduramos como personas. Si te ests sintiendo ansioso, tal vez puedas comprender mejor como otra persona experimenta momentos de ansiedad. Pero me pregunto si en lugar de estar buscando sentir empata, realmente quisieras reducir tus niveles de ansiedad. Una buena manera es estar consciente que activa la ansiedad, y ya que lo identifiques, explora que otras reacciones pudieras tener."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?", "answerText": "Love yourself more and treat yourself kindly, with empathy and compassion.Usually when people feel depressed they also feel lonely and isolated. Since at this time you wouldn't want to tell anyone about the way you feel, which includes the possibility that a few of the ones whom you tell would offer you emotional support, give this to yourself.Also consider to make a goal of eventually telling someone whom you are reasonably sure would understand and empathize, about your depression.This will help alleviate the sense of shame, unworthiness and pervasive guilt which often comes along with depression.Sending you good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?", "answerText": "It can be really tough to tell someone - anyone - that you're feeling depressed. But finding that supportive person that you can share with is a big part of the battle with depression. Depression thrives on being secret, it seems to grow the more we isolate ourselves and hide it away so I'm with Laura Cassidy, when she suggests finding that professional support person so you can start fighting back against your depression. If that feels like too big a step right now, maybe check out a book or two... I'm a big fan of a book called 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns if you want some practical thoughts on tackling depression and on 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach if you prefer something a little more spiritual."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?", "answerText": "Hello,It is completely understandable that you would not want people to know about your depression. I would first like commend you for realizing that you need to help with your depression by reaching out here. That is a great start, and you've taken the very first courageous step.Depression can feel debilitating and overwhelming. Depression is also a very personal thing and no one has know but you and the therapist. The best way to begin learningand dealing is to pick up the phone and call a therapist or email a therapist and schedule a session.The great news is that with professional help you can feel better and you will learn how deal with and manage the depression. There are many ways to help with depression that a therapist can teach you and help guide. You do not have do this alone. Asking for help and going to therapy is a strength! This can be done in a private and confidential setting.Depression should be treated by a therapist, in a safe, confidential office setting. The therapist can then discuss your depression with you in more detail to figure out the underlying cause, how long you've been feeling this way and identify what brings on these feelings.There is hope and depression can be treated with great success, you CAN feel good again. Depression can be managed appropriately by seeing a licensed therapist. Often times therapy will offer relief because you would have someone there simply to listen to you, validate your feelings and listen to your story. The therapist will be able to offer professional insight and perspective on the situation and help you think outside the box.The therapist can do many things with you, provide insight and offer many ideas to help you learn new coping skills and ideas of things you enjoy, encouraging you to re engage in hobbies you once enjoyed or even discover new things you may enjoy. There are creative ways to learn to cope too!Your therapist will also be there to support you, without judgement, at your pace, through the entire process. But the first step is finding a therapist and beginning to identify the cause your depression. Healing is possible and getting your happiness back is also possible.Feel free contact me for additional help or informationLaura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dealing with an illness that will never go away and I feel like my life will never change for the better. I feel alone and that i have no one. How can I overcome this pain and learn to be happy alone?", "answerText": "Is it possible that even though your illness is chronic, that it goes through phases in which you are more comfortable and that it requires less focus from you than at other times?I think the idea of having a lifelong illness is frustrating and can be depressing to think about. Thoughts are not necessarily the truth of what will actually happen though.Illness makes negative situations look worse so be sure you are concentrating on specific areas of your life and not just assuming they will work out badly because you are ill.One way to be happy alone is to love and appreciate, nurture and be kind to yourself.This frame of mind may generate new answers to find ways of being among other people too."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dealing with an illness that will never go away and I feel like my life will never change for the better. I feel alone and that i have no one. How can I overcome this pain and learn to be happy alone?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry you're feeling like things will never get better. Try to remember that whatever illness you are dealing with, you are not the only person to have dealt with it and you are not alone! Out there, just waiting for you, is a group of people that will totally understand what you're going through and will be able to share how they coped. Try searching for a support group for your illness - google and www.psychologytoday.com are both good places to start for those groups."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I make myself happy without the people who made me happy? Now that theyre gone, I feel sad. Its been two months now but I seem to be unable to stay okay and independent.", "answerText": "Hello. So, someone made you happy but is no longer around? I am sure that feels devastating. As a counselor I usually have to ponder this kind of thought because it lends itself to suggesting that happiness comes from the external, rather than the internal side of a person's life. Happiness is formed within ourselves. All the external trappings of happiness are usually quite fleeting, and temporary. Even relationships fo not last forever. If we get to a place where we are reliant and dependent on those around us to create happiness in our lives, then we lose the opportunities for us to do it ourselves. We are entirely capable of finding ways to be happy. Sometimes this entails working out issues that are holding us back from reaching a place of peace, or resolution to a specific problem.What I would offer to you, is to find ways in which you can develop happiness for yourself. What do you like about your life as it is right now? What can you do to create change in your life to increase your happiness? These kinds of questions can be valuable to you as you seek out ways to make happiness an internal rather than an external event. Mourning the loss of a social connection (in whatever way that occurred), is part of the grieving process, but it is not permanent. It is a path to healing and moving forward. From this, you can seek out new sources of happiness. I encourage you to remember that happiness is independent of the external experience you have in the world. Happiness is an expression of the internal feelings, so that will be the source or the font of positive emotion from which you really draw. If you are lacking in happiness, then it becomes important to examine why that is, and what you can do about it to promote self-care. Seeking out a professional counselor can also be a good option as you move through the grief/loss process and examine the reasons happiness is not in greater supply.I wish you happiness for every day of your life.Best wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I make myself happy without the people who made me happy? Now that theyre gone, I feel sad. Its been two months now but I seem to be unable to stay okay and independent.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been feeling pretty down, since the loss of a relationship, and you're wondering how to be happy by yourself. Intimacy is a very natural human desire and at the same time learning to enjoy ourselves, even when we are alone, can strengthen our ability to lead a satisfying life in and out of relationship. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into how you show up in your relationships with yourself and others and discover more fulfilling ways to do so."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.", "answerText": "It is hard to make a definite diagnosis however I would say that it could be and or a combination of depression, stress, PTSD, etc. More background information would have to be needed. One thing I would say is that you really need to seek guidance from a professional to work through these symptoms. If what you described as a caged animal is released, all the crying, sadness, and controllable emotions will come out. That would not be good when they do. Get help before they do.."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.", "answerText": "As far as the formal diagnosis of depression goes, it would be hard to determine without more information. It sounds like you are noticing that there is a significant difference between how you are feeling on the inside and how you express yourself outwardly. Part of you is quite distressed and yet it remains invisible to the outside world, almost as if it is trapped inside of your body. Many people who are depressed experience such things as intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, difficulty expressing themselves, and bodily tension (caged animal?). In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what you are going through, the nature of the disconnect between you inner feelings and outer expression, and eventually gain relief from the distress as well as a greater sense of connection with yourself and personal freedom."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are trying to find a label to help you to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling. Sometimes there are no labels for how we feel. Sometimes there is no name for the emotions that we are experiencing. Regardless, you do not have to continue to feel this way, no matter what you call it. If you are seeking to experience an internal calmness such as your external calmness, you may want to try some mindfulness practices or meditation. However, being able to get at the root cause of what you are feeling may be what you need to help you release this feeling for the long term. I recommend seeking support for this to allow this internal screaming to get some air and begin to breathe."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "First of all, I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood. It may help you to know that many of us feel that we have missed out on our childhoods, as well, and that despite such deprivations, for many of us, our adult lives have been extraordinarily fulfilling due to our opening up to trusted adults. I recommend that you find a trustworthy adult to talk to. This may be a teacher, a coach, a school counselor, a minister, a family member, or a friend's family member. If none of these are available, try out a professional counselor, social worker, psychiatric nurse practitioner, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. It is best to get a referral for such a professional from a peer who has had a positive and safe experience with a particular provider."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "Life sounds extremely frustrating for you right now.As long as you've reached your conclusion that your parents do not take you seriously when you would like to speak with them on a serious topic, and that you feel unable to trust either of them, then work with your own information.Many people don't know how to listen and aren't trustworthy. As painful and aggravating as having parents who fit this description, you're better off to honor what you realize than to continue fighting what is not in your hands to change.Since you write about having a similar problem with friends, then maybe this comes about because you pick friends who are similarly unsatisfying to be with as are your parents.The first step out of this dilemma would be to accept how crummy you feel about the way your parents are toward you.If you're able to live with the sadness and resentment of having parents who don't want to know how to understand you, then you'll start to develop a new and more satisfying definition of what you expect from the behaviors of your friends.Trust yourself that what you feel and see is accurate, then it becomes easier to trust and welcome new people who are formatted differently than either your parents or your friends who sound very similar to your parents' ways."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you feel so alone and isolated, those feelings in and of themselves can lead to depression, stress and anxiety. So job one is finding someone you can talk to. A good friend or an open parent can be as helpful as a professional counselor, but if you don't have those, then by all means call your local Mental Health Association, suicide prevention, or go see your school counseling department. There are many of us now who do on-line, FaceTime, phone counseling so that is an option to consider in your situation. On the other hand, If you want to script a conversation with your parents (I'm a great believer in scripting) not that you're going to read it to them, but if you write down exactly what you want to say, read it over a few times before you're ready to have the conversation. Why? You'll be much more likely to do it if you're prepared, and you'll have a better chance of saying everything you want to say in a calm but forceful way. The same with your friends--you are probably a great listener and therefore attract people who want to talk--so you need to let these friends know you need something in return. If you practice asking for equal talk time, then perhaps these friends will respond and surprise you, or if you make those demands you'll start attracting people who are looking for equality in friendships. Now back to that script--first decide do you want to talk to both parents at once, or one at a time. Then begin to write down the points you want to make such as: I love you, and I know you love me but I don't feel as though I can trust your love to be unconditional enough to tell you who I really am, and how I really feel. Find your own words to describe your own feelings. If I can help, get in touch. You are right to reach out starting here, there are no prizes for suffering in silence and, as you already know, little joy in going it alone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "One of the most difficult challenges we face is not being heard! It is incredibly frustrating and hurtful when others, especially parents, do not listen. While your parents surely love you and want to understand you, it may be difficult for them to fully understand your feelings and experiences. They are quite a bit older and have likely not dealt with some of the struggles that you face. I would suggest communicating your feelings to them about not being heard.Talk to them during a non-emotional moment when the discussion is not already heated. In other words, do not wait until an argument ensues to have an open discussion with them about how you are feeling. Prepare them by asking them what time is good for them to talk. Let them know you have something important to get off your chest. Try and avoid using exaggerated or extreme language such as \"you NEVER listen,\" \"you ALWAYS say...\" and stray away from placing blame. Instead of beginning your statements with \"you\" try using \"I\" by letting them know how their behavior effects you. Finally, let them know that they are important to you and that having their trust and support would mean a lot to you. Perhaps giving them suggestions as to what you wish for and would like to see change would help them to better understand.I would also suggest that you seek guidance from a therapist, teacher, or school counselor if possible.Most schools have counseling resources on sight in which a trained professional is available to talk with students looking for help.Best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "First, thank you for sharing such deep personal information. It can be difficult to share such intimate information. To begin, it sounds likes your primary concern your desire to speak to someone who takes your mental health seriously. You've tried talking to your parents and your friends and neither have made that connection in the area you need. I'm sorry to hear that. it's unfortunate. However, I think a couple things can be done to try to address this.If you want support1) Parents- Sit down with one of them and tell them with all seriousness that you need to talk about something that is affecting you deeply. Perhaps speaking to both can be too much for one room. If you try to speak to mom or dad by themselves, it may create that intimate atmosphere needed to understand where you are coming from.2) Friends: Like parents it can be difficult to speak to your friends about challenges with your mental health. When you're feeling down and anxious, friends can be great help or not their at all. With friends, it may be one of those things where you also need to create an intimate environment with one friend to speak to about your sadness and anxiety. If anything,speak to the fact you're hurt and help them understand that if they can't understand the depressionIf you don't want supportCoping Strategies: Identify coping skills and strategy that help you when you're feeling down.Ideas:A.) JournalingB) PaintingC) ExerciseD) MusicE) Reading AffirmationF) Listening To Motivation Videos"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "Teenage years are rough for anyone, and this is a time for self-discovery and experimentation. Having older parents can certainly pose challenges. Most kids feel like their parents don't understand them, but yours are older than the average parents of teenagers. They're from a completely different generation than you are. It sounds like they love you, but may not understand you. The problem here is the generation/age gap, and there's not a whole lot you can do about that. What you can do is accept the situation and perhaps look at it a little differently. It seems like you're looking for affirmation from them, looking for their approval and understanding. It's never a good idea to look to others to define who you are or to get a self-esteem boost. Who you are and how you feel about yourself needs to come from inside, not from outside. One way you can have a better relationship with your parents is to stop looking at all the things you aren't getting from them that you want, and rather look at all the things you are getting from them. Yes, this is a glass half full or half empty point of view, but it works. The negative will overshadow the positive if you let it. Start looking for the good things in your relationship with your parents and your feelings towards them will become more positive.I'm not sure how your friends/peers made you feel like your childhood has been taken from you. That's a curious statement, and requires a deeper conversation to understand where that came from. However, I do understand feeling different and out of place, especially in high school. Find the strength within yourself rather than looking to others in your life to make you feel better or feel like a complete person. It helps to have friends and loved ones, but you can never rely on them to fulfill all of your needs. Set some goals for your future, work towards them. Focus on being the best YOU that you can be, and the right people will enter your life at the right time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?", "answerText": "A feeling of emptiness can be from a lack of awareness and acknowledgment for the things, the people, the places that you have in your life. The use of affirmation and gratitudes helps to remind ourselves of all of the aspects of our lives."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?", "answerText": "Your question is very broad because feeling empty can develop for many different reasons.You're certainly not alone in feeling this way!Try to follow the logic of your feelings by asking yourself questions about the empty feeling. Doing this may open up a discovery about the reason for the emptiness feeling.When do you feel empty, are there certain situations it happens more often than another, what helps the feeling go away, what or who is helpful in relieving the empty feeling.Sometimes people need a little help to get started in understanding how to recognize their feelings.Consider a therapist, any disciplined practice which encourages self-knowledge, such as some yoga practices, and a creative discipline like photography or music.As long as you concentrate on increasing your self-understanding, eventually you'll find the answer to your question!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "People who are parental figures in my life have, in the past, hurt me, and some continue to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for my husband or the life he provides me. I have had jobs, but I am going through a lot of my past garbage and trying to figure out when it all went wrong. Any time I bring these things up, I am expected to be over the issue. These are people that you can't just cut out, but I have never received apologies for so much of my pain. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am anymore.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been thinking about how past hurts have influenced you, and when you try to talk about these hurts with people in your life, you are feeling invalidated. It also sounds like current conflicts are continuing to leave you feeling hurt and devalued. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get some clarity about your past, who you are, and what kinds of boundaries you want in your relationships, so that you can lead a life that is more satisfying to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "People who are parental figures in my life have, in the past, hurt me, and some continue to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for my husband or the life he provides me. I have had jobs, but I am going through a lot of my past garbage and trying to figure out when it all went wrong. Any time I bring these things up, I am expected to be over the issue. These are people that you can't just cut out, but I have never received apologies for so much of my pain. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am anymore.", "answerText": "Hello. Adults who come from abusive home histories (physical, emotional, or even psychological), may take a long time to heal from that abuse. We carry our past with us everywhere we go, and it is up to us to find resolutions to past hurts. This is often easier said than done, but it is possible. From the perspective of those with whom you have shared your concerns, it might be assumed that based on where you are in life and who you are now, that you have already worked through any issues from your younger years. Some of our deepest scars in life are indeed invisible and suppressed. We have to get to the place where we can take care of the inner child that is still hurting, by recognizing that those who hurt us - however they did, might have had their own challenges which prevented them from functioning and behaving in ways we might have deeply needed.Those who have directly hurt you, may not be capable of acknowledging and understanding how you were affected by their actions - even in the worst of cases. They themselves may be doing what they can, either out of shame or heartbreak for their own actions, to work on forgetting how they behaved toward you all those years before. How are they behaving toward you now? Can you find it in your heart to forgive those who have hurt you? Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves, and isn't dependent on an apology from an offender. By forgiving (even in the absence of any apology), we are releasing the weight of the burden we are carrying that reflects the offense we feel was committed against us. Sometimes therapy can be helpful in this process. Talking with someone who can be non-judgmental and reflects an empathetic position toward you might be what you need right now. Seeking out a therapist to help you work through these negatives feelings and thoughts is much easier, than trying to go it alone. I would encourage you to reach out and find someone who resonates with you on that journey, so that you can begin a path toward healing.Warm regards,Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.", "answerText": "It sounds like a tough time and it's normal to feel down when your family is going through a divorce or other hardship. There's a difference between feelings like sadness, discouragement, grief, loneliness and depression, though. Sadness is sadness and sometimes we have to go through a grieving or other process, that is a normal reaction to events in our lives. Depression, on the other hand, is more about being stuck.Lulling yourself with self-care sounds like a healthy response and a way to give yourself support. So as to the uncomfortable but healthy part of your feelings, do the best you can to put names to it and share with a trusted other person. You will find comfort.The part of your situation that's depression -- feeling stuck, not able to get out of bad, concentrate, changes in sleeping and eating, loss of enjoyment in living, poor hygiene, feelings of hopelessness, that's different. First step, identify your own symptoms of depression. If you have any thoughts of hurting yourself, tell someone. If you're not sure, you can try 800-lifenet or other support line to get feedback.First aid for depression includes: daily care and feeding, good sleeping and eating, lots of exercise--even when you don't feel like it--healthy socializing, and focusing on talking to yourself in a positive way. If you aren't able to move yourself out of your depression, work with a professional to make short-term goals and get some support. You may also talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about trying an anti-depressant to give you a little lift while you go through a rough patch.Best wishes,Karen"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.", "answerText": "Consider yourself quite normal for feeling overwhelmed and depressed about your parents divorce. This is the most natural way to feel at this time.Depending on how old you are, and whether you live under their roof, are dependent on their support, and are either part of the decision or not, of with whom and where you will live, start considering these points.How did you find out about the upcoming divorce?Are either of your parents reluctant to answer your questions or is it clear that neither of them want to talk about anything with you?Whatever your fears and questions about your own future, these are all real. It is necessary for you to know about your basic future.If you are living on your own and the main problem is your inner adjustment that your family structure is completely changing, then probably a good therapist would be a great help to you now, to clarify these tensions.Sending lots of good wishes for an easy resolution to your new path!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My depression has been reoccurring for a long time. It all started when I was being bullied in high school. In ninth grade, my principal told me I needed to stay home for a couple days to protect myself while she spoke to my classmates. I needed professional help for my stress because I was having crying spells from the stress of going to school and confronting my classmates. After that, I was fine for a couple of years. I entered my first year of college in a really tough program with high demands of expected work. I believe my depression re-booted from there with the stress. I began to cut myself because a friend of mine at the time told me how she used to do the same and it used to feel good for her. Obviously, that wasn't the right choice. I regret ever doing that, seeing as even though I'm not self-harming anymore, I always look back at that time whenever I feel very stressed. I have a big problem with handling problems in life. Whenever a problem arises, I get stressed and I feel hopeless, as if it's not going to get better. I get way too stressed from my problems, which leads to overreacting a lot (especially when talking to others), which then leads to depression. I have a hard time coping with stress because I know that if I could handle it easily then I wouldn't be sad all the time, and I would say and do the right thing instead of overreacting to my loved ones.", "answerText": "I couldn't help but notice that you did not specify your age, so I am unable to set the total chronological order and length that you have suffered in this way, but I want to start by commending you on seeking out additional coping techniques on your own. Unfortunately, it sounds like you were offered some that were more dangerous than helpful, but be proud that you were able to curb those before they caused too much harm.From what you have written, stress has always been a difficult thing for you to manage. Often, when I am working with those who offer the same concern, there is a degree of people pleasing that comes with that stress. When we are trying to make others happy, especially when we are unable to distinguish the proper \"rules for success\", it can make even the simplest of tasks overwhelming.Stress management is just that, management; of our own anxieties about the needs of others, about our skills and the ability to complete a task and having multiple requests at any given time. Each of these aspects requires a separate sets of \"tools\" to manage them accordingly. For example, assertiveness communication training could aid in communicating with your colleagues to manage their expectations of your deadlines and abilities, but it will not assist you with managing your own anxieties. Try to separate the different areas of the problem, in order to help yourself to find a solution and work on them in their own time.Perhaps keeping a journal will help you to better understand why you are so easily overwhelmed by stress and help you track some of your less-helpful responses to stress. For example, does a certain person's style of communication always make you feel undervalued and therefore push you to finish their requests first? Is there a certain time of the day where you start to fall off in productivity? Is that the time fo the day where you also tend to pile up your requirements?Try to ask yourself some of these harder questions and see where they lead you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been depressed for quite a while. I've been trying to work through it, and my boyfriend has been my rock. He is honestly the only person I trust enough to talk to about anything, but he decided to break up with me because of my depression. I cannot afford to see a therapist or anything, so he saw no hope in staying with me. My insurance has a $5000 deductible, so Im screwed. I've had everything from suicidal thoughts to trying to quit my job. I have no one. My family doesn't care about me; they kicked me out when I turned 18 a few years ago. I had friends, but they have all moved on with their lives and have no time for me. My ex-boyfriend is trying to help but is making things worse because every time I see or hear him, I break down into tears. I found out that I will never be promoted now because of my depression.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been struggling with this for quite some time, using many of the same coping techniques that feel tried and true to no avail. Often, we fall back on coping techniques that would be helpful in other problems (stress, social anxieties, etc.) for our depression, but the truth is that depression requires it's own little tool kit.Depression is all-encompassing, and, based on what you've written, the symptoms are already affecting work and your personal life in myriad ways. The best route forward would be to seek out counselling, admittedly, but if your insurance deductible is too high, that can be very expensive. I would recommend contacting your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) if offered by your employer. If not, you can look into community centres for counselling options, check if your doctor will give you a referral or your local religious organization.If, however, you are motivated to get your depression under control, there are some great workbooks out there that you can use on your own or with your therapist (as long as your therapist is trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT), such as \"Mind Over Mood\"."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. This is a very serious time. I don't mean to frighten you, but you are right to be concerned. The time right after people leave the hospital after receiving psychiatric services is a time of high risk for suicide. It is very important, after hospitalization,to getfollow-up care with a professional as soon as possible. If your husband has an established therapist, this is the time to call. It is also a good time to alert your support system of friends, family, clergy or others to let them know he is still struggling. This is good support for him AND you.It is important to think about means and opportunity to make another attempt. Means really do matter. So, if you have a firearm in the home, it is really important to remove it. You can't remove all things that a person may hurt themselves with, but some things are more lethal than others. Firearms are very lethal. I am not sure what means he used last time, but try to reduce the opportunity for him to access it again. This is where your support system can help out. People can take turns hanging out with him until you are sure the crisis is over.If you believe that an attempt is going to occur, talk to your husband about going back to the hospital. If he refuses, you will want to find out what your options are to have him go even if he doesn't want to. I know the thought of that really hurts, but it can save his life. Calling 9-1-1 is alwaysagood option if you are not sure. Usually a suicide crisis, meaning they want to harm themselves right now, lasts a few minutes, hours or days. Sometimes when you get them through the crisis stage, they no longer want to commit suicide. But, as you are indicating, that feeling of wanting to commit suicide can come back again. So, it is always good to have a plan. If you want more information, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They will always answer: 1-800-273-8255. They can help you create a specific safety plan. I do hope things work out alright. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "This is actually more common then we often realize, and actually understandable, as he has gone through a trauma, an unresolved existential crisis. He was taken care of by others and now is again left alone with his own internal, and rather horrific inner struggle.In my work with CCT, or Contextual Conceptual Therapy, (see www.suicidetherapy.com) I have learned how trapped suicidalpeople are in their own isolation, also called a \"mysterious isolation,\" a form of self protection which cuts the off from their Self, or spirit. And unless they address this message from their soul, accompany a guide on a journey to discover their own missing information, that is to recognize how their own uncomforted emotionalpain has resulted in a coping stategy which has effectively cut themselves off from their own beauty, their Self, and their ability to receive love from themselves and others.Their attempt to kill themselves is a cry from their soul or spirit that they cannot live the life they are living any longer. They take this literally and try to end their life, when in fact what their soul or spirit is saying is they need to begin to live the life they came here to live."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "I'm thankful to read your husband found care and that his suicide attempt wasn't successful. While he was hospitalized, and prior to his release, your husband would've been provided in writing a self-care action plan. This typically includes things like committing to a contract 'not to harm' and what to do if he felt overwhelmed by his anger, depression, and hopelessness (e.g. call 911, call therapist, go to nearest hospital emergency department). Additionally, his protocol would've provided instructions for his taking medication(s) as directed, having a follow-up appointment(s) with his psychiatrist/psychologist/clinical social worker, and participating in some form of small group support. If your husband's struggling as you describe, and you are feeling overwhelmed or frightened for his (your) safety, I'd encourage you to seek immediate assistance."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "This must be so difficult for both of you. Watching someone you love suffer so profoundly can bring up lots of difficult feelings. Without knowing what you are already doing, I have a few thoughts to share with you.First and foremost, know that you cannot fix this for him, and get support for yourself.As much as you are able, make space in your relationship for him to talk about what he is experiencing. He might not want to talk, and that is ok.If he wants to talk, try to listen without judgement and without trying to talk him out of his feelings. Focus on validating his feelings and just sitting with him in his pain.Let him know how you feel...that you love him, that you care, that you are concerned, that this is scary for you too, that you are here.I hope that this is helpful. On my website (www.sarahmcintyrelpc.com), I've written a series of blog posts about coping with distress. The techniques I've written about there may be supportive for you and your husband. Sending warm wishes your way.-Sarah"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "I appreciate that you are concerned about your husband's emotions and want to support him as best you can right now. I imagine that you must be going through your own difficult time too. You've had a complicated shock and trauma in your life and in your marriage; it's normal for both of your emotions to move from hope to despair to fear, anger, gratitude... there is no wrong way to feel and there is no particular pattern your emotions or his will follow.Try not to assume what he is feeling but ask him instead. \"How are you doing today?\" is something that can be asked over and over again and your love and compassion for him will come through. If he has a hard time talking, you can share your observations. \"I notice you're more withdrawn. This worries me.\" Certainly it will help you if you know what he's thinking and feeling because he hid his intentions to hurt himself. It's normal that you want to know.If there is depression and hopelessness, this likely was part of what led to his initial despair. There is help out there. Depression is treatable, and seeking that treatment is important right now at this vulnerable time. This is the kind of complex situation that can be assisted by a therapist who is qualified to help you both understand and manage your emotions. Whether your husband seeks help or not, I hope that you do."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "A failed suicide attempt is commonly thought of as a cry for help, however it can also be a serious attempt to find a permanent solution to depression, hopelessness or other feelings a person feels are unbearable. Its wonderful that you want to support your husband, but If your husband is feeling depressed and hopeless, you can best help him by getting him to a mental health professional. Feelings of hopelessness and depression, and previous attempts at suicide are all risk factors for future suicide attempts.With a mental health professional, or in the emergency room of a hospital, your husband should be evaluated for suicidal thoughts, intent and plan, and if he is a danger to himself he should probably be hospitalized again until he is stable. Without knowing the particulars, your husband may suffer from Major Depressive Disorder or some other illness on the depressive spectrum. In that case medication could help him immensely, at which point you can offer your support and encouragement him to practice gentle self-care. And do not forget to practice it for yourself. Remember: a suicide attempt not only affects the person, but it is an immense stressor for his or her loved ones as well. As they say, put your oxygen mask on first. Then you will be better able to provide your husband with calm and loving care and attention.Kayla Schwartz, LMSW[emailprotected]"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "The fact that you're reaching out for help here is really helpful.The first thing I would suggest is that you consider seeing a local mental health professional yourself to be able to talk about the details, how this is affecting you, and how you can hold onto you are while also being supportive to you husband.From the way that you describe this, I wonder what has changed since coming home from the hospital. Perhaps you can have a conversation with your husband this and mention that you are asking him questions to learn more about his experience and you can discuss how you notice that things were going much better when he came home from the hospital, and now things are not as good. Perhaps he can tell you about what is different so that you may know him would be most helpful to him.I also hope that you husband is still continuing with his own treatment.There may also be a local peer support telephone number for the county that you live in that they be able to help you determine whether your husband needs more immediate treatment if he is feeling hopeless again. There are national crisis telephone numbers listed below as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "Since as husband and wife your lives are closely joined, how your husband feels greatly influences the way you feel.Give yourself some time to concentrate on how you've been affected by your husband's suicide attempt. Even if you decide against immediately telling him how you're feeling, knowing this about yourself will guide how and the topics you bring up with him.Is your husband talking easily with you?Do you have some ideas as to what is creating his feeling of hopelessness?The ideal approach would be if the two of you are able to discuss what bothers him and what bothers you.Depending on how far away you each are from such a position, you may benefit from speaking with a licensed professional therapist who can guide you and or you and your husband on opening up for discussion what feels stressful enough to merit taking one's own life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. Everything I do is crappy. I want to cry all the time. I can't eat or sleep.", "answerText": "You are describing some of the most common symptoms of depression: low self esteem, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, sad mood, feelings of hopeless and feelings of worthlessness. A full assessment/evaluation with a mental health professional is warranted to understand if indeed you meet criteria for a Major Depressive Disorder i.e.., are delressed. One thing I often tell patients is that \"Do you think you are depressed?\" People often answer yes or no, but many individuals respond with a question: How would I know? To that I often explain that if I stopped watching movies or better, stopped enjoying watching movies that would be a clear indication for me that I am delressed. It would be a sign that I have lost pleasure or interest in the activity that I typically enjoy most . I'll ask you to think of one activity which you really really enjoy. It could be anything from reading, to being with friends, to skiing to watching tv. I would like to now ask you if you have stopped enjoying that activity or can't find the motivation to engage in it? This is another symptom of depression: loss in pleasurable activities. The good news is that there are many effective, available treatment if you are indeed in a depression or simply, you want to modify/decrease your depressive symptoms i.e., you want to stop feeling so tired and so worthless. Treatment includes one or more of the following: psychotherapy, medication, exercise. Any one or combination of both of these can help to improve your mood. The even better news is that feeling that you are doing something wrong can diminish with appropriate treatment over time. I hope you find this information helpful. The most important next step is to get evaluated by a mental health professional typically a psychologist or psychiatrist, and for both you and the professional to better understand your symptoms and your mood in the context of what is going on in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I no longer carry expressions on my face, and my emotions are decreasing the more I have fights with my fiance.", "answerText": "Sometimes repressing anger can lead to depression and block all kinds of other emotions too. I would wonder about your experience with anger and if you've ever been discouraged from expressing anger. I would also wonder if you feel like you have space to express yourself in your relationship or if you feel like you really aren't being heard. It's hard to feel cared for and connected to someone else when you don't feel accepted by them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I no longer carry expressions on my face, and my emotions are decreasing the more I have fights with my fiance.", "answerText": "Sometimes when we fight a lot with our partner, it becomes more uncomfortable to share emotions because it feels like it will lead to another flight or disagreement.You could try having a conversation when you're not fighting and starting it out by saying that you would like to discuss something important to you and see if your fiance is open to that.Something else is that you could have an agreement that if one of you is having a really strong emotions in a difficult conversation and would like to break from the conversation, you could agree (ahead of time) that you'll say that you would like a \"timeout\" and will come back to discuss the issue in a certain amount of time (usually about an hour) and then try to resume the discussion. The reason this can work is it can give you a chance to calm down and then still go back to the discussion rather than not talking about it again. This only works if both of you agree to that before something starts, though."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (Im a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own.", "answerText": "Hi Georgia, There's a really good lesson here. People tell us things, and we tend to think that's the truth...but it's not! I'll do some translating for you...\"You're so ungrateful\" means \"I need you to be successful and happy in order for me to feel I'm a good parent\".\"You're too young to be depressed\" means \"I don't want to deal with your mental health issues right now. I'll pretend it's not happening so I don't have to face my fear and shame\".\"It's only going to get worse\" just means \"I don't know how to support you beyond scaring you into wanting to at least fake happiness for my sake\".Your parents are being unsupportive, not because you're not suffering, but because this is all they're capable of right now. They are not where you will find the support you need, so keep looking for it in other places. It's out there. If might be an aunt or a friend, or a friend's aunt. It might be a therapist or a bus driver or your family doctor. Keep looking for someone who will hear you. I hope you don't ever give up. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (Im a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own.", "answerText": "Don't think that you can't afford the help you need on your own. There are several counselors that see people on a sliding scale that can be as low as $5 (based on your income). Find a center that is non-profit, they have great counselors as well.It sounds like you know what you are experiencing and know that you need someone to talk to, someonethat is willing to listen. Your parentsmay notunderstand what your are feeling right now and that is not totally abnormal.I would encourage you to seek help immediately so you can live the best live you can...which is not being depressed."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have terrible anxiety and depression. I've tried various therapists and pills, but nothing's helped.", "answerText": "Is it possible you simply didn't mix well with the particular therapists with whom you've worked? If this is possible, interview a therapist before starting therapy. Then you will be choosing a therapist who feels compatible with your way of seeing yourself and your life.Also, therapy isn't for everyone.Read about the different healing modalities and see if one of these speaks to your interest in feeling better.What matters most is finding among all the legitimate healing methods, what you believe will be effective."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have terrible anxiety and depression. I've tried various therapists and pills, but nothing's helped.", "answerText": "I'm sorry that you have tried several different things and not had much relief.I will say that there are several different types of medications that may help and each therapist is different, so it is quite possible that a different combination of things you've already tried may be helpful.I would encourage you to continue trying different therapists. I would say to give each one at least six sessions before you decide that the approach that they are using is not working for you. Also, most places have a certain sort of structured initial session that must be done, but after that, the decisions are largely up to what you and the clinician feel is helping. If something is or is not working, communicate this with your therapist. This is a big deal. Most therapists I know actually welcome this feedback.There is a fair amount of research into the idea that the therapeutic alliance (the relationship that you have in the context of working through the reasons that brought you into therapy) is very important. Also, sometimes anxiety and depression can make it difficult to go to therapy on a regular basis. If that is something with which you are struggling, I would encourage you to talk about that as well.In addition to a solid relationship with a therapist who you connect with, you may consider trying something like yoga or meditation. Mindfulness is sometimes helpful as well.Here's a link to questions for finding suitable therapists:http://www.pharmatherapist.com/12-tips-for-finding-a-suitable-therapist"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s. I've worked since two months after I turned 18. I have plans. I could become an electrician, or I could operate heavy machinery. I have goals, but I do nothing to try to meet them because I don't feel I can. I just want a better life for my fiance and the kids than I did.", "answerText": "For starters, commend yourself for being committed to working. You have no idea what is going to happen in the next second, so focusing on thinking you will never have a good career or amount to anything financially is creating a fictitious story. Remind yourself of that every time the thought pops up. The false belief that nothing good will happen is sucking out energy you can use on pursuing your career dreams. Next, do you know what you need to do to become an electrician or heavy machinery operator? If not, find out. Then, set up a realistic schedule for yourself to accomplish the steps. As you accomplish each step, see your progress. Notice that you are moving closer to your goal. Every day remind yourself why you are pursuing this career. In fact, write it down and tape it on your bathroom mirror. When you start to feel discouraged, remember your goal and remind yourself that you have no idea if you'll make it or not but you are going to give it everything you have to find out. Anything worth pursuing is going to take a lot of persistence and hard work. Stay with it! You and your family are worth it!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to \"respect his decision\" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling from your husband's decision.Keep in mind that if one partner does not want to be in a relationship and remains in it, then both people will be unhappy, dissatisfied and feel stressed.Imagine being in a relationship that you'd rather leave.All the negative feelings and resentment of being with someone whom you'd rather be without, would not leave very much energy to satisfy your partner.I'm glad you realize that you feel depressed.Depression is a mood that can change once you understand what is causing it.Depression is an area that very often therapists help their patients understand, and emotionally support and encourage them during the course this takes.For now, concentrate on decreasing the tension in your life. Your husband's indecision may very well be adding to your stress.Only he can make up his own mind.As hard as this may be, all you really can do is take care of how you feel so that you will feel better.From what you write, your husband is too unsure to offer you the love and care you'd like from him.Learning to love oneself is always worthwhile. At this stage in your marriage, now sounds like an ideal opportunity for you to teach yourself self-love."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "The fact that you mention that he is \"constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out,\" suggests that Discernment Counseling might be a really good fit for you both. Discernment counseling is a protocol for partners where one or both aren't certain they want to remain in the relationship. It's a brief (1-5 sessions) and intentionally focused on helping partners talk through (primarily individually) their reasons for and against staying in the relationship - as well as confront their own contributions that lead to the relationship crisis. It's aimed at helping the couple reach a clear understanding of which path they are going to take, not asking anyone to change just yet, so it can be a lot less intimidating and more to the point than couples therapy. You can look to find a local therapist providing this service here.That said, I agree with other respondents that if he is deciding to leave, seeking out support for yourself would be incredibly helpful.You may need to accept his decision, but you can certainly feel whatever emotions you have.You are allowed to feel exactly how you feel, and it's likely you'll be sad, or angry or hurt or disappointed or scared, or any combination of any/all of those.Having someone there who can validate those emotions and help you to process the grief that naturally comes with the end of a relationship can be a huge help in finding a place of healing and regaining a sense of self, a sense of hope."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "Although the marriage vows say in sickness and health, each person has the right to choose to stay or to leave, depending on their ability to cope and handle marriage challenges. I know is hard not to focus on him and his choice, but the more you put the focus of attention on him the least support you will receive. Focus on increasing self-care activities and building a support system around you. A therapist can help you to work with depression symptoms, build up your self-esteem, and developing coping skills. Also, invite him to a therapy session so he can clarify any questions and concerns regarding your diagnosis.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Mi esposo quiere divorciarse despus que fui diagnosticada con depresin severa.El dijo que intentara y nunca lo hizo. Has pasado nueve meses, y esto me est haciendo sentir peor. Hoy, el dijo que yo debo respetar la decisin que el tome. Es eso cierto? SE supone que respete la decisin de irse porque l no puede manejar lo que yo estoy pasando y me deja llorando y preocupada cada noche? El cambia de opinin todo el tiempo.A pesar de que los votos matrimoniales dicen en la salud y la enfermedad, cada persona tiene el derecho de decidir si se queda o se va, dependiendo en su habilidad de lidiar los retos del matrimonio. Entiendo que es difcil evitar enfocarte en l y sus decisiones, pero mientras ms enfocas tu atencin en el, ms vas a resentir la falta de apoyo. Enfcate en aumentar el cuidado personal y en desarrollar tu sistema de apoyo. Un terapista te puede ayudar a trabajar con los sntomas de depresin, mejorar tu autoestima y desarrollar mecanismos de defensa. Tambin puedes invitar a tu esposo a terapia para hablar sobre tu diagnosis y que aclare dudas sobre los sntomas y expectativas.Si te gustara recibir terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "When you are at your lowest, you have an opportunity to learn not just about the people around you and who you can depend on, but also, so much about yourself and why you have come to the place that you have. Take this time to do some introspection and learn yourself. It will give you the power to recover from whatever it is that has broken you. We'd love to talk with you. Please contact us sometime."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "If your husband is changing his mind about whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship, I wonder if you both might benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in couples. In my training working with couples, partners come into counseling with one of three goals in mind: strengthening the relationship, getting a divorce, or making a decision. The decision could be whether or not stay together or it could be any number of other things, such as what state to live in.When you ask whether you have to respect whatever decision he makes, respecting his decision does not mean that you have to agree with what he decides. While you do not have the power to change his decision, he also does not have the power to change yours or how you feel about it. Having said that, if he is changing his mind a lot, chances are that the only decision he has made is that he needs to make a decision. Weighing the options of an important decision (any type of important decision) can be anxiety-producing its own right.The fact that you said you were diagnosed with severe depression leads me to believe that you are already seeing a therapist. Perhaps he or she can assist you in navigating through this. I'm wondering how you feel when you are around your husband. I'm not sure whether you are saying that having him there is a source of comfort for you or that it leads you to feel more sad. Maybe it is a little bit of both."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late 50s. I never loved or have been loved. I need deeper help than is offered in my small town, but I cannot leave this town because of agoraphobia. I find myself losing hope more and more. My brain barely works anymore, and my memory so small, I forget in a moment. I serve no purpose. I'm incapable of work or anything of value, and I never have been. Im a complete waste of time and resources, and yet I keep trying. Why? Why does God insist that I continue to exist? Im not suicidal, just tired.", "answerText": "The fact that you're reaching out says that there is something in you that wants this to be different, and that drive might be something worth tapping into. \"Why do I keep trying?\" is a question that might give you some insight into what it is in you that keeps you going.A lot of therapists/counselors are now offering video therapy. As long as you're in the same state as a therapist offering this service, you could connect with someone helpful from the comfort of your home, even being in your small town. I'd recommend looking into this option, because you're asking a lot of really deep questions and might benefit from having those conversations with someone who can help you find your own answers."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Both of my parents committed suicide together, and I was the one who found them. I suffer from overwhelming depression, which is having an extreme effect on me and my husbands sex lives. He does not understand at all and is always making me feel so uncomfortable about sex.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for the experience you had with your parents. That is a grief and trauma that is certainly hard to imagine. Trauma and grief can affect us in many ways, and certainly deeply personal things like our sex lives. It may be difficult for others to make the connection, but it is there. So, for example, if stress and trauma make you feel like you are not interested in sex, a partner may take it as apersonal rejection rather thanresponse to stress, trauma or grief. If your husband will agree to it, couple's counseling may be your best bet. A counselor can help you with your communication and may be able to provide some education to your husband about trauma and how it can have an impact on intimacy. If he doesn't agree to go, it may be worth it to go on your own. You still have a lot you are dealing with yourself. And sometimes our personally therapy can influenceothers, so itmay be a good idea. It is important to remember that even though you are married you have the right to make decisions about your body, and that includes when you want to have sex with it. I hope this is helpful, and some of my colleagues may have ideas, also. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have bipolar disorder, paranoid personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I last self-harmed a week ago. When I am stressed, overwhelmed, hurt, or angry, the urge to self-harm is all I can think of. I am trying to seek help.", "answerText": "Seeking professional help does not mean that you will necessarily be admitted into an inpatient setting - though to be honest, that can become an option if you feel unsafe or if you are unable to plan for safety. However, many clients who struggle with self-harm can find help in outpatient settings - particularly those which offer a treatment called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Looking for a DBT professional or group therapy setting may be particularly helpful, but askilled professional can help you to figure out how to identify other options even when you are experiencing overwhelming emotions.Without knowing your location, I also recommend searching to find your local helpline or suicide prevention hotline. The volunteers on the other end of the line can be very helpful even if your intention is not suicide and they are likely also to be able to connect you with resources in your area. Calling into the helpline may also be a first step alternative to self-harming when you're feeling overwhelmed."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I stress over everything. If I don't have enough \"quality time\" with my boyfriend, I start to feel resentment towards him. He has three children, and they are great kids, but I find we don't have much time together. I break down easily and find myself depressed.", "answerText": "Everyone has some level of anxiety - it's what helps us respond to stressors in our lives and clues us into the fact that we need to respond to something going on. However, if you're feeling overwhelmed by racing thoughts, feeling like you spend a lot of energy worrying about something specific or even pretty much anything at all, and you're starting to find that it's getting in your way when it comes to living your life the way you want, then I'd suggest seeing a counselor or therapist for an assessment for anxiety.Your other concerns, though, seem pretty \"normal\" for someone who is in a relationship with a partner who has children. As a married stepmother, I've been there, and as a therapist, I can tell you that the boundaries and communication skills you have in your relationships need to be healthy for you to feel healthy. Finding some support from a group of others whose partners have children might be really helpful - being able to hear from others that you aren't alone in feeling like this can really lighten the load, and they might have some good ideas for handling certain situations. Another option is to find a counselor or therapist who has experience working with step/blended family dynamics - because even if you're not officially married, those dynamics come into play whenever there are kids from another relationship involved. You may even consider couples counseling so that both of you can learn to talk about your relationship needs and concerns in a way that will encourage connection and strengthen your sense of partnership."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been falling into a deep depression where I can no function during the day and night. The only time I am at peace is when Im asleep. If I am with friends, family, at work, and mainly alone, I cannot think straight. I no longer feel like myself.", "answerText": "I don't know how long ago your breakup was, but I would suggest that you reach out to friends or family that you trust and perhaps a local mental health clinician.I'm not sure what you mean when you say that you are not able to function during the day and night. If you are having trouble sleeping for more than a few nights, consider talking with your primary care physician. Not sleeping can really make changes in your emotions seem much larger.Can you find anything in your life that is the same as it was before the breakup? This may be a starting point for you. I wonder if you could think of and moment or two each day when you feel emotionally at peace while you are awake. Also consider looking at things that you can control, such as when you choose to wear, eat, and who you talk to about your deepest feelings.You mentioned that you have friends and family. I wonder if any of them are supportive to you.Please reach out and talk to someone about the details. I get the sense that you feel that you are alone in this, and having someone there to help you sort out what you're feeling sounds like it would be a gift to yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been falling into a deep depression where I can no function during the day and night. The only time I am at peace is when Im asleep. If I am with friends, family, at work, and mainly alone, I cannot think straight. I no longer feel like myself.", "answerText": "It is common to go through a stage of adjustment after a breakup, which may include depression symptoms. I recommend practicing self-care: stressing on balancing your life with healthy eating, exercise, resting and looking at your spiritual life. These steps should assist you in giving your body and mind some balance. Practice cognitive reframing, this is training your brain to refocus, and stay on task. Meditation is a great tool to clear your mind during the day as well; there are multiple apps that help. If the problem persists a therapist could assist you in learning to focus and process those thoughts and feelings that cloud you mind.Cmo puedo manejar la depresin despus de unaseparacin?He estado cayendo en una depresin profunda que no me permite funcionar durante el da. El nico memento en el que estoy en calma es cuando duermo. Si estoy con mis amigos, familia, en el trabajo o a solas, no puedo pensar claramente. Ya no me siento como yo.Es comn pasar por un estado de ajuste despus de una separacin, y este ajuste puede incluir sntomas de depresin. Recomiendo que practiques auto compasin: esforzarte en balancear tu vida comiendo saludable, ejercitndote, descansando y analizando tu vida espiritual. Estos pasos te ayudarn a balancear tu mente y cuerpo. Tambin puedes practicar reenfocar tus pensamientos para mantener tu mente clara. La meditacin es una buena manera de practicar el enfoque mental, y existen muchas aplicaciones que te pueden ayudar. Si el problema persiste tu consejero te puede ayudar a aprender tcnicas de enfoque a procesar pensamientos o sentimientos que te estn afectando."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?", "answerText": "If you have already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, can you go back to the people who diagnosed you with those things?It may be that your parents would be open to you talking with someone because it sounds like you have done this in the past. I don't know whether you have a specific reason that you are thinking they may have some hesitation, but if you are comfortable saying that you would really like to talk to someone because you are feeling sad or anxious (or whichever of your concerns you feel comfortable revealing to them), that may be a way to start the process. As for how you tell them about the fact that you have harmed yourself in the past and used to be suicidal, a therapist may be able to work together with you to discuss the best way to tell them about that.I'm not sure if you have told anyone about what you have been experiencing, but if you have some support there, perhaps they would be able to give you feedback about ways to talk with your parents as well.You mentioned that sometimes you hear voices. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but if the voices that you hear are giving you directions and you feel as though you might follow them, that would be a time to ask for immediate help, before you follow through with what they are telling you, perhaps by calling 800-273-8255. They may be able to connect you with local resources and they can definitely talk with you in the moment that you call."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?", "answerText": "Family support is very helpful when having these symptoms. I suggest looking for therapist within reach (school, through your insuranceor the community, calling 2-1-1). Once you schedule a session, you can inform them and invite them to come in. I have found trough sceptic parents, that once they give it a chance they open up to the process of learning and healing. I also understand that parents may become overly concerned and overprotective when hearing about your symptoms, and thats why is important to discuss them with a therapist, normalize them, understand why you experience them, and learn how they could help you. Cmo les digo a mis padres que yo pienso que tengo problemas mentales?Estoy seguro que tengo depresin ansiedad. Tambin escucho voces en mi cabeza. Tengo problemas para dormir tambin. Y he sido diagnosticado con dficit de atencin y desorden obsesivo compulsivo. Me he auto flagelado y sola tener ideas suicidas. Como les dejo saber y les pido ayuda.El apoyo de la familia es muy til cuando se experimentan los sntomas que mencionas. Te sugiero que busques un consejero (en la escuela, a travs de tu plan mdico, o en la comunidad, llamando al 2-1-1). Ya que tengas tu cita, invita a tus padres. He observado que aunque algunos padres son escpticos al principio, pero una vez le dan una oportunidad se abren al proceso de terapia y sus beneficios. Tambin he observado que algunos padres se vuelven sobreprotectores cuando aprenden de los sntomas que sufren sus hijos, as que sera otro beneficio que aprendieran que pueden hacer para ayudarte y apoyarte."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?", "answerText": "What stops you now from telling your parents the way you are feeling?Do you imagine asking them for therapy would be a surprise for them?If they're paying attention to you at all, then I imagine they'd feel relief to know you're aware of having some feelings within yourself of a problem.If you believe they'd have a negative reaction to you asking for help, this may very well be part of why you are having problems in the first place.What reaction did your parents have when you were diagnosed with the other conditions?I'd separate their willingness to help you from your sense of needing help.If they do not want to help with finding a therapist for you, then start by looking for services available for people in your age group whose parents also do not wish to be involved in their child's emotional and psychological health."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm depressed and recently went through a break up. Its like every guy I like only wants me for sex. I think I'm ugly, and sometimes I just want to die. I have a son, and I got really big when I was pregnant. I have stretch marks on my stomach.", "answerText": "If you are currently feeling as if you want to die, please call 800-273-8255 and talk to someone.One way to work on not always thinking so negatively about yourself is to surround yourself with people who are more positive toward you. Do you have friends or family who are supportive?Can you find one part of you that you do not think is ugly?If your stretch marks are still bothering you, talk with a pharmacist or your primary care physician. Sometimes there are creams or lotions you can use to decrease stretch marks and they should be able to guide you in the right direction.You mentioned mostly physical things here. I wonder if you can find one small thing each day that is going right and build from there. Perhaps your son makes you smile?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm not the same anymore, I don't know how to get back to who I am. I'm sad and confused and angry and tired. I don't sleep well.", "answerText": "Being tired can really affect almost everyone's ability to work through things that make them sad, confused, or angry, among other emotions. If you're having difficulty sleeping, try to get into a habit of going to bed and waking up close to the same time every day. Also consider only using the bed for sleeping so your brain knows that it's time to sleep when you are in bed. If you are not sleeping while you are in bed, consider getting up and reading a book or doing something to make you tired before going back to bed. Hopefully you'll be able to establish a pattern.Sometimes sadness and other emotions make sleeping very difficult as well. Try keeping track of your moods to see what is leading up to the changes.If you're still struggling, consider talking with a therapist about the specifics and/or maybe talking with your primary care physician. There are natural sleep remedies that he or she may recommend for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Over the years, I have slowly lost everything: my jobs, my cars, my freedom, and my money. I am a stay-at-home mom who doesn't make any money, doesn't have a car, never goes out, and cleans all day long everyday.", "answerText": "There are an infinite number of possibilities here. You included a lot of things that you don't have. Is there anyway that you can have some freedom for a few hours a week, at least? A lot of times stay at home moms have groups when they meet at different public places where their children can play together and they can talk together. I don't know how old your child or children is/are, but perhaps going back to work is something that can happen in the future.I wonder if you may consider who you have in your life who can support you. I don't know whether you have a spouse or parents or siblings who could help out with some different things. I wonder if you could consider where you would like to go if you had two or three hours that you could do whatever you wanted? If you can sort out some possible answers to that, maybe you can work together with friends or family to make it happen.Also, again depending on the age of your children, some parents can do things while the children are sleeping, even if you are in the same room. For example, if your children are sleeping for about two hours, maybe 30 minutes of that could be reserved for you and the rest could be for cleaning or other things you need to do."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't have time to live or take care of myself at times. It's causing depression, stress, and anxiety. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "I'm not sure whether you are referring to having a lot of activities after school or that homework is overwhelming. Can you set aside a couple hours a week for yourself as a place to start?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Two years ago, I was separated from the military into my contract for medical issues. It has emotionally destroyed me. I now basically hate myself. It's embarrassing to be separated from the one place who takes anyone. My family has been in the armed forces, and it has always been my dream. I can't do this alone anymore, and now my family is even worried.", "answerText": "It sounds like being separated from the armed forces is a major loss for you. It takes some time to work through the emotions related to this and it often takes longer if you are trying to work through it without a lot of support.Is there a task that you were doing during your military service that can in some way transfer into civilian life? I don't know what else your life involves, whether you have close friends or a romantic partner, a career, activities that you like to do, and many other things. You may be able to use some of the things that you still have today as a way to start moving forward in a different direction.Your military service will always be a part of you. Thank you for your service."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel depressed even though I act like a happy with my family. I act like Im happy so my son doesnt see me sad. I act like my life is a happy life, but I feel sad and depressed. I sometimes think of killing myself and that my family deserve someone better than me. I just cry and write in my book all these feelings.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have several different things happening at the same time. I would encourage you to call and speak to a local therapist. If you are having thoughts of killing yourself in this moment, please call 800-273-8255 and talk to someone.While I follow that you would like your son to be unaware of what you are going through, that doesn't mean that you can't discuss your feelings with someone else. Who is it that you trust or could speak with about this? A therapist could be one person, but perhaps there is someone else in your life as well.One thing that may help is to find a bead or rock that is smooth and you can hold onto it while thinking of a specific memory where you were happy. This could be from as long ago as necessary as long as it is specific and you can place yourself back in that time when you are thinking about it. If you think about this time while holding onto the bead, the bead may remind you of a time when you felt happy. You could do the same thing for a time when you felt comfortable and safe.Have you recognized any patterns for what is leading you to be sad?Can you think of anything that makes you feel good, even if it only works for a few minutes?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think i may suffer from depression, and it is affecting my life and sleep. I am on my parent's insurance, and they won't let me see a therapist because they don't believe in it.", "answerText": "The answer here really depends upon your age and something called the \"age of consent\" in the state where you live. In Pennsylvania, anyone over the age of 14 can provide consent for their own treatment. As for billing purposes, try talking to some local agencies. If you are under 18, you may be able to have Medicaid out of medical necessity so that you can have treatment. If you are over 18, there may be some discounted rates at some agencies because of the situation you're in. Maybe your primary care physician will be able to refer you to some local agencies.If you are in school, you may be able to talk with a guidance counselor or someone at the school. This would not require using your insurance."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm sad and alone, I want to cut myself.", "answerText": "Try doing something physical. If you haven't exercised before, it is a good idea to get your doctor's approval first, but this can be helpful.The more you can find out about when you want to cut, the easier it will be to figure out what else you can do. If you are feeling sad or angry or nervous, look at what is leading up to those feelings and talk to someone about that.You said you are alone. I would see if you can find someone that you can trust to talk with about what you are going through. This could be a parent, a friend, someone at school, a coworker, or any number of other people."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I stopped for a while, but Ive started doing it again. Its like an addiction. The more I try to stop, the more I want to do it. Ive tried doing some of the stuff they say to do like draw, but it doesnt work.", "answerText": "I've heard people say that they cut themselves as a way to feel relief from different emotions. You're also right that when you try to focus on just not cutting, it becomes more difficult because it's what you are focused on. While that is still something to work on, it may also be helpful to find something else you can do instead. You said drawing doesn't work for you. Sometimes more physical activities, such as doing a few jumping jacks, can be helpful. If you don't exercise, it might be something to talk with your doctor about first.The more you can learn about what makes you want to cut, the easier it will be to find out what you could do to change that. Try talking to somebody about what you are feeling in addition to the urge to cut."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have friends, family, I live in a good home, I go to a nice high school, and I get pretty good grades, but I dont know why I'm so unhappy. These friends are my best friends and theyre all amazing people, and yet I'm sad all the time and feel alone.", "answerText": "I wonder if you have moments where you feel happy?You say you have amazing friends. I wonder if you get along with them and feel as though you can be yourself around them.Sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do really well at everything all the time and this can be overwhelming sometimes. Where do you have support? I hope you can tell someone that you are feeling sad so that you can talk about your feelings.Sleeping can make a big difference as far as feeling sad as well. If you're not sleeping well at night, that could be a big part of feeling sad a lot.Perhaps you could try to find a person or two who makes you feel totally safe and comfortable and try to talk with them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I used to be the funny guy of the groupthe class clown, if you will. I used to laugh uncontrollably all the time and be able to be social without it feeling awkward. Now I can't laugh at all, and I'm dead inside.", "answerText": "If you look back to when you feel as though you were the \"funny guy,\" I wonder what is different now? It may be that responsibilities have changed or any number of other things.I don't know whether you're also saying that you feel sad or if you're saying that you feel as though you don't have any big changes in your feelings.A lot of us tend to be really busy, and sometimes we over schedule ourselves to the point that we don't have time to have positive time for ourselves. Sometimes even if we are spending time with friends, we're thinking about work and all of the other things we need to do.I wonder if it feels awkward when you're with friends that you trust in an environment that you are used to. Maybe if that is more comfortable for you, it can be a stepping stone to focusing on how you feel better in those moments.It sounds as if you may have had an experience (or more than one) where you felt misunderstood or criticized and now reacting to people feels awkward. If so, try going back to people you trust. Who do you have support from?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm starting to think that I might have depression. The thing is though, I'm not exactly sad. I can joke with my friends and stuff, but I've stopped caring about my work, and I've been starting to think that life is pointless. I really have no clue if I need help, or if I'm just tired or something.", "answerText": "It is possible that you have depression, but you could also be experiencing some other changes that mean that you have feelings of being sad without actually being depressed. Your statement makes it sound like you've stopped caring about your work, but you're still going to work and doing your work. It almost sounds like you are dissatisfied with your work. Do you like what you do?When you said that life is pointless, what makes it that way? What is keeping you going? Is there something you can do each day that you can find meaning in?You mentioned that you are not sure if you need help or are just tired. It sounds like you could certainly benefit from talking with someone about more specifics.I'm curious about how long you have felt this way and if you are aware of anything that is contributing to it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "In the last ten months, I've been kicked out, moved around three times, worked many jobs, stopped school to make money, had dad and mom get sick, was cheated on while pregnant, lost my baby, had relationship issues, and was betrayed. I can't get a job. I have no friends. I feel lonely and isolated. I've been dealing with all this by myself.", "answerText": "One thing that may help is to focus on small things that you do have control over. If you can hold onto that sense of having control over what you wear or what you choose to eat or where you go during the day, this may help you be able to look at what is currently most important for you and consider different choices. For example, you say you can't get a job, but I wonder if you could work with and local agencies to help you find a job, like Career Link. You say you have no friends currently. Are there any previous friends that you can get back in contact with?You mentioned that you have no friends. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk with, even if it's not someone that you consider a closest friend?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been feeling worthless, unaccomplished, and so frustrated. I want to break things, hit myself, run away, kick, scream, and cry. I just want to be happy and outgoing again. I want to be able to take care of my daughter and live comfortably.", "answerText": "Philadelphia, there is help out there. For your daughter's sake, start somewhere. Feelings are only that; your worst fears about who you are are only based on a few moments that haven't gone well. Depression is so treatable, but you have to seek treatment from a professional.Here's a quick exercise for you to do that can show you how therapy might work... fear is telling you the worst possible story of your life, right? So... if there was an opposite story...the very best story that someone could tell about you and your life...what would that be? Who would be telling it? Someone who loves you? Someone who was around you when you were that outgoing person? Someone who's been watching your life from the start? God? Write that best story. I dare you to give it as much credibility as the worst one.Therapy is often about helping people reject their \"worst stories\". I invite you to start exploring with a qualified therapist whatever barriers stand between you and your best life. I hope you reach out soon. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep feeling paralyzed and unsure during interviews. Previous jobs have fired me for lack of performance, and five employers have rejected me after extensive personality tests and interviews. I'm afraid of continuing because my depression is getting worse. I'm already humiliated working for temp agencies and doubt my self-worth as a provider for my family.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed and stuck between wanting to improve your work situation and worrying that you won't be able to. It is possible that the paralysis, uncertainty, and self-doubt that you describe are contributing to your difficulty in getting and maintaining a satisfying job as employers generally like to see that a potential employee is confident and can think on his or her feet. With a competent therapist, you may be able to get more understanding of the roots of these feelings and learn how to move forward in your search for a better work life in a way that leaves you feeling confident and capable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.", "answerText": "You are not alone, many people fear opening up to family members about the topic of depression or mental illness. There are many different reason why some may fear telling their parents. The most common thoughts I hear in my office are: \" My parents won't understand me\", I may cause more problems to the family\", \"I am worried that something bad may happen if I tell them\".If possible express your current concerns and worries to your parents. You can start the conversation with your parents by saying \"I have not been feeling like myself lately, and I may want to see a counselor\".I think you are doing the right thing by going on this website and asking for help. Just a helpful tip: positive self-talk can be beneficial before having difficult conversations with others. For example, tell yourself something positive before talking to your parents such as \"I feel confident in myself, and I am doing this to overcome my fear of talking to my parents\" can help to decrease the anxiety you are feeling leading up to the conversation.I would recommend if you are feeling depressed or down it would be beneficial to seek counseling to understand your current thoughts and behaviors. Best of luck and hope you decide to start counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.", "answerText": "Depending on your relationship with your parents, inviting them to have a conversation might be a good first step. If they consent then you can have the opportunity to discuss your concerns with them. Inviting someone to a conversation and getting their agreement is a great first step. I would then make sure your location of the discussion is conducive to the conversation and once all that is considered it might be beneficial that you make a list of your concerns prior to the meeting. this can help keep you on point."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.", "answerText": "I am so sorry you are struggling! I do think it's a good idea to share your feelings with your parents and perhaps get some help connecting with a counselor or therapist if you feel that might help. There are lots of ways to tell them, depending on your relationship. Maybe saying \"I wanted to tell you guys something.. sometimes I worry that I might be depressed.\" Or, some folks will write a letter, or even send a text. The most important thing is that you tell someone you trust so you don't feel so miserable. I hope this helps. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have absolutely nothing to do with my life but lay in bed on my phone or hangout with my one friend. I don't have a job, my family doesn't include me in anything, and I don't have many friends. I have nothing to do besides go on my phone. I miss talking to people in person instead of online. I don't even talk to my family in person even from the other room.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty stuck, lonely, and hopeless; like you have a desire to be more connected to people and to find purpose in life, but are not sure what to do. I am glad to hear that you have at least one friend and I think it is great that you are reaching out for more connection. If you can, working with a therapist who is competent in treating depression may be a huge benefit to you and help you to regain a sense of meaning, motivation, and connection. Additionally, anything you can do to give yourself a little break from the feeling of pointlessness and any ruminating thoughts you may be having may be of help. I know it may sound pointless in the moment, and you may feel a great deal of inertia in doing so, but you may find that if you force yourself to do something small that is pleasurable, like taking a walk for example, there's a good chance you will be glad that you did so after the fact. Thank you for reaching out."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.", "answerText": "Anxiety and Depression are challenging experiences to live with and to manage on a daily basis. I would say that both are challenges to overcome but solutions to living healthy and well exist. Step 1: Talk about it. With friends, family, partners, counselors, and other trusted people in your life. Step 2: Create a plan with a counselor to learn new skills that help you recognize and manage your symptoms. Step 3: Don't give up. Working on yourself can be difficult and hard at the beginning. Stick with it and you will be able to find exercises, tools, and resources that help you live well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.", "answerText": "It is challenging to maintain motivation at all times, anxiety and depression can set in which can make interacting with others a struggle, it can lead us to do things that make us not feel good and we become isolated. This ends up feeding into a cycle that maintains the anxiety/depression loop and can be really challenging to step out of it. You are in a place of awareness and this is the first step in making changes that can help you feel better. It is really one step at a time, a concrete plan, with self-compassion to build the solid ground you need to come out of this.http://www.empoweryou2.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.", "answerText": "One of the first steps is to manage anxiety and depression symptoms are to establish a goodself-careroutine. Start with the most basic things: Eating balanced meals, sleeping at from 6-8 hours and exercise at least 30 minutes a day. These will help you to regulate the chemical imbalance thataffectsyour mood, plus exercising gives you time to vent and be distracted from your thoughts. Once basicself-careis established, I suggest that is a good time to start exploring the source of these feelings, and address them trough therapy. If you have difficulty initiatingself-careroutine talk to your therapist about what motivates you and pushes you to do things, you might find the key during the process. You could also contact your physician or a psychiatrist to discuss medicationoptionsif its too challenging to begin basicself-care.Cmo puedo manejar mi ansiedad y depresin para sentirme normal otra vez?Mi motivacin se ha ido. Es difcil salir de la cama. No s qu hacer. Soy Miserable. Mi ansiedad y depresin han tomado el control de mi vida.Uno de los primeros pasos para manejar la ansiedad y la depresin es establecer una buena rutina de cuidado personal. Comienza con las cosas ms bsicas: Comer comidas balanceadas, dormir de 6-8 horas en la noche, y ejercitarte por lo menos 30 minutos al da. Esto te ayudara a regular el desbalance qumico que afecta tu estado de nimo, adems de que te da tiempo para desahogarte y distraerte. Ya que la rutina de cuidado eta establecida, es un buen momento para comenzar a explorar la fuente de tus sentimientos negativos, y explralos a travs de terapia. Si se dificulta comenzar a crear una rutina puedes consultar con tu terapista para identificar motivaciones que te impulsen a comenzar. Tambin puedes contactar a tu medico primario o psiquiatra para discutir medicamentos que te pueden ayudar a manejar estos sntomas e iniciar cuidado bsico."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I sleep a lot. Music changes my mood. I cry every Wednesday. My mind is like a maze that even I get lost in. I don't usually feel my true emotions, but instead, I get fake mirrored ones.", "answerText": "What happens in your life on Wednesdays that you feel like crying? Crying is natural. Crying on Wednesdays may also be natural if some type of regular event or situation comes up for you then that you don't like, feel oppressed by and have no way of avoiding.Maybe you would qualify for a diagnosis for depression.This matters less than what you will do with a diagnosis. Very often people feel some type of relief from hearing a professional tell them what they \"have\".Don't let yourself get talked into taking pills because now you \"have something\". Pills change your mood.Only you can change your life.The diagnosis matters so the therapist gets paid from insurance.It is a good sign that you know whether you feel true emotions or fake ones. This is a clear sign of knowing about yourself.Your mind feeling like a \"maze\" is a little too vague to know if you mean there are too many thoughts at once so that you have difficulty knowing which ones to examine first, or if \"maze\" means you don't know what your thoughts are and feel lost for this reason.Depression which is addressed by a person can become quite liberating because you will remove what bothers you so much in your life that it weighs you down and depresses you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have twin toddlers. I experienced a death of loved one prior to giving birth. I had a horrible break up with the father. People told him he was using me for money. My ex-boyfriend had extreme meltdowns every day for three years. Im always alone with no friends.", "answerText": "First, let me say that you are a survivor and a warrior. Managing 1 child by yourself is difficult, but twins is a whole different ballgame. Anxiety can affect us at any time anywhere. This is the challenge, especially when we have so many things to manage each day. There are several methods and practices that help manage and even reduce symptoms of anxiety. It will depend on what works best for you. Talk with friends, a counselor, or a loved one who can offer you support and feedback as you navigate this process of learning what works for you. When all else fails; make sure you are in a safe place, pause for a deep, cleansing breath in, a long exhale out, and ask yourself, \"What do I want in this moment?\" Now you can begin again."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I live a normal life. I have tons of friends and family, but I feel lonely.", "answerText": "This may be happening because you and the others are not connected to each other on a level which reaches your emotions.Loneliness may show the absence of feeling a variety of emotions when you are among others.How many friends you have doesn't affect whether you and someone else feel emotionally engaged with one another.Consider if you feel like concentrating your friendship on more intensively sharing your feelings with a few of your friends.This may lead to fewer friends who are also more meaningful to you and your feeling a decrease of loneliness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.", "answerText": "One of the first steps is to manage anxiety and depression symptoms are to establish a goodself-careroutine. Start with the most basic things: Eating balanced meals, sleeping at from 6-8 hours and exercise at least 30 minutes a day. These will help you to regulate the chemical imbalance thataffectsyour mood, plus exercising gives you time to vent and be distracted from your thoughts. Once basicself-careis established, I suggest that is a good time to start exploring the source of these feelings, and address them trough therapy. If you have difficulty initiatingself-careroutine talk to your therapist about what motivates you and pushes you to do things, you might find the key during the process. You could also contact your physician or a psychiatrist to discuss medicationoptionsif its too challenging to begin basicself-care.Cmo puedo controlar mi ansiedad?Uno de los primeros pasos para manejar la ansiedad y la depresin es establecer una buena rutina de cuidado personal. Comienza con las cosas ms bsicas: Comer comidas balanceadas, dormir de 6-8 horas en la noche, y ejercitarte por lo menos 30 minutos al da. Esto te ayudara a regular el desbalance qumico que afecta tu estado de nimo, adems de que te da tiempo para desahogarte y distraerte. Ya que la rutina de cuidado eta establecida, es un buen momento para comenzar a explorar la fuente de tus sentimientos negativos, y explralos a travs de terapia. Si se dificulta comenzar a crear una rutina puedes consultar con tu terapista para identificar motivaciones que te impulsen a comenzar. Tambin puedes contactar a tu medico primario o psiquiatra para discutir medicamentos que te pueden ayudar a manejar estos sntomas e iniciar cuidado bsico."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.", "answerText": "I agree with Cory. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) does seem to help a lot of people who struggle with anxiety. It's not the only type of therapy that can help, but it seems to help people in a way that is more natural and realistic. As Cory mentioned, anxiety is something that is part of life, so therapies that indicate we can get rid of it are questionable. Our natural inclination when we have anxiety is to STOP any and all things that may cause it or provoke it. We do this because we think it will help, but it actually doesn't. Anxiety usually has us rehashing the past or rehearsing the futurewhile ignoring the present. ACT helps folks who have those kinds of tendencies. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.", "answerText": "As a past sufferer of anxiety myself, I have learned that it is a natural part of life, it is a natural part of us, the longer we try to run from it the more it entangles us in its clutches, if we deny certain parts of ourselves we will become depressed or even oppressed, the only way to deal with anxiety is to embrace it and accept it, and in fighting the fight without fighting we will eventually win, I would encourage you to look into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, your answer I think lies in that area of research. Hope this helps,C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have no friends, no hobbies, and no interest in anything. I get annoyed with everything and everyone. I am always tired, i can sleep 8 hrs or 12 hrs and im still tired. I don't know what to do. Is this normal?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. It certainly sounds like you don't like how things are going. Here are a few thoughts and ideas:1. If you haven't seen a primary care provider in a while, you may want to. There are health conditions that can affect your mood and energy levels, even at your age. It doesn't hurt to get checked out. If they find the cause, they may be able to treat it and improve the symptoms. In addition, most primary care providers are trained to be able to manage medication for patients who have mild, moderate, and sometimes severe depression. So, don't be surprised if your primary care doctor offers to put you on an anti-depressant if they diagnose you with depression. Medication is not the only way to treat depression, but sometimes it is necessary depending on different factors.2. You may want to consider counseling, since it is another effective way to treat depression. A counselor will help you explore the factors that may be leading to depressive symptoms in the first place. This could include thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, life experiences, and other things. 3. Finally, to answer your question about whether these feelings are \"normal.\" These symptoms could be the sign of an underlying general health or mental health condition. It is important to remember that even if these symptoms are \"abnormal\" it doesn't mean that YOU are. Millions of people struggle with depression. So remember, the symptoms are the problem, not YOU. Hope this helps. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "It has been said that depression is often the result of a blocked goal. Often people struggle with both anxiety and depression but have difficulty determining which is the most important issue. For some, depression is the result of frequently blocked goals and when their predominant issues are evaluated, they discover that they are anxious (worried) about a lot of areas in their life but seem to find no relief. When there is no relief and there have been numerous attempts (either in their mind or in practical application) to resolve the anxiety, depression is often the result. In this type of case, depression is not the main or underlying issue. The anxiety is the underlying issue. Having \"a lot on my mind\" sounds like anxiety. Unresolved anxiety can lead to feelings of depression which are often associated with \"emptiness.\" In the question above, I would want to evaluate all of the issues surrounding having \"a lot on my mind\" and determine where these might be coming from. Has there been ongoing rejection from peers? From family? If so, why does this seem to be happening? Isolation is often a protective measure that one implements to avoid further pain. Where does that need to protect originate? Are there unmet needs from childhood? Are there traumatic life events that have created a need to self-protect as a defense mechanism?We can feel \"alone\" even when in a crow of people or at a party. This has nothing, in this case, to do with being around people. It has more to do with how we view ourselves. If there is a prevailing message or script that has been internalized that says, \"You are worth nothing\" or \"You don't deserve the company of others\" then being around people will not alleviate the problem but only exacerbate it. I would want to evaluate how one feels about themselves and what negative messages one has received and has repeated to oneself over time.The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy is a therapy aimed at addressing unmet childhood needs. If there is specific trauma that is associated with socializing with people, then EMDR can be very helpful in desensitizing and reprocessing the trauma. Looking at whether this individual's issue with emptiness is straight depression or whether it is depression as a result of unresolved anxiety is key to determining a treatment strategy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "There are many possible issues to consider as depression social anxieties, even medical illness. For some, even grief creates a sense of isolation, pains from relationship break up. Also, obsessive thinking can be debilitating. Seeking at least one trusted friend or family member can be a start towards increased personal support. Some persons may simply feel connected by spending time with someone as this, even if not talking directly on issues, just being around another is positive. Obviously there is more to explore on this question, given minimal information from two sentences."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "There is a difference in someone agreeing to try something and agreeing to continue to do it. Have you ever been willing to try something and then decided you did not like it? A type of food? A sport? A new restaurant? A type of dance? So this does not mean that things have changed between you. It does mean that the two of you may need to spend some time to find out what you both like.Instead of looking at it as a rejection, look at it as a challenge, an adventure that the two of you can go on as explorers together. Some couples have even found it helpful to each write down ten things they would like the other person to try and then each person can pick three things from the other person's list to add into their life together when they chose to over the next few weeks."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel angry, anxious, and depressed. The PTSD I suffer is from a past relationship.", "answerText": "If the symptoms are to the extent that they are affecting your ability to function, you may want to consider seeking treatment. PTSD, anxiety, and depression all typically respond well to treatment if provided by a trained clinician. Common types of treatment for PTSD that you may want to look into include Cognitive Processing Therapy or EMDR. The nice things about Cognitive Processing Therapy is that it is time limited and only lasts 17 sessions typically."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but its so vivid, its like its happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.", "answerText": "I understand that at times its difficult to share with our parents what we have been trough, due to fear of judgment or punishment; but I have noticed that keeping our experiences secret, intensifies them. And Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can haunt us for a long time if we do not learn to process the memories that cause those symptoms. If you have been victim of a traumatic event that you are not prepared to share with your parents, its important that you seek help with a counselor, therapist or psychologist. Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a great technique to cope with physical symptoms, you could also use Narrative therapy, Creative Therapy or Journaling as a way to express memories and process them with your therapist. A psychiatrist can also prescribe medication to manage the symptoms, but is very important that you address the trauma so you can heal and go back to live your life. Many organizations like the United Way (2-1-1 in many states) offer resources and referrals to put you in touch with mental health providers, you could also talk to your school counselor, doctor or church to find referral that could help.Tip: You dont have to tell you story to each person you ask for help, you can just start by asking for a counselor referral.Cmo puedo superar el Desorden de Estrs Post Traumtico sin que mis padres se enteren?Comprendo que muchas veces puede ser difcil compartir nuestras experiencias con nuestros padres, muchas veces por miedo a que nos juzguen o castiguen; pero he observado cmo mantener un secreto, lo vuelve ms fuerte y difcil de manejar. El Desorden de Estrs Post Traumtico puede ser una condicin que nos persigue por mucho tiempo si no aprendemos a procesar las memorias que causan esos sntomas. Si has sido vctima de un trauma que tal vez no ests listo(a) para compartir con tus padres, es importante que busques la ayuda de algn consejero profesional, terapista o siclogo. La Terapia Cognitiva Conductual enfocada en el Trauma, es una tcnica que te ayudara a manejar muchos de los sntomas, tambin puedes utilizar diarios o Terapia Narrativa o creativa, para expresar memorias y procesarlas luego en terapia. Un Psiquiatra tambin te puede proveer medicamentos que ayudan a manejar los sntomas del Estrs Post Traumtico, pero es importante que atiendas el problema inicial para poder sanar por completo y volver a tomar las riendas de tu vida. Muchas organizaciones como los Fondos Unidos (2-1-1 en muchos estados) tiene recursos que proveen referidos a consejeros o profesionales de la salud mental. Tambin puedes preguntarle a tu consejero escolar, doctor o en la iglesia. Sugerencia: No tienes que contarle a todos tu problema, solo pide que te recomienden a un consejero o terapista."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but its so vivid, its like its happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.", "answerText": "What is the reason you wouldn't want your parents to know you are trying to find your way through PTSD?Would they believe that you've been traumatized?And, do you feel that your parents had a hand in creating your trauma?There is no need to tell your parents you have PTSD unless you feel that doing so will help you. Maybe you intuitively realize that they don't want to understand or know about this.How did you come to the conclusion that you have PTSD?If you are working with a therapist, and a minor, then the laws of your State dictate what information your parents can ask your therapist about you.If you are a grown person and working with a therapist, you have complete legally protected privacy of what you talk about with your therapist.In any case, a good starting point is to know exactly your own reason for wishing to keep your psychological situation hidden from your parents."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but its so vivid, its like its happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.", "answerText": "Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a very complex issue. It is the root cause of many other issues including depression, anxiety and anger to name a few. Re-experiencing the event is a telltale symptom of PTSD. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to find someone who specializes in this areato help you work through the symptoms associated with this disorder as well as directly addressing the event/events that initially caused the symptoms. There are various treatment methods available to helping professionals that are successful in treating this disorder. In the meantime there is a book called \"The Body Keeps the Score\", it isinformative andmay be helpful for you on your journey. It is my hope that you are not dealing with this alone. Best wishes!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but its so vivid, its like its happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.", "answerText": "Unfortunately, ptsd is not something that can be cured. Ptsd can be managed through therapy. Mindfulness can assist in redirecting thoughts and gaining further control over paranoia. Therapy is confidential and there are different ways you can obtain treatment. Mental health professional have availability to provide therapy online, on the phone or in person."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad passed away when I was a teenager. I never got any help, and five years later, I feel like I can't handle it anymore.", "answerText": "It's never to late to get help with grief. Get help as soon as possible before you are feeling the same way 5 years from now. You will always miss your Dad but getting help with coping with his loss will make life easier to live."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a single mother. As a child, I was molested by my mother's boyfriend. I never knew my father. I started having children at 18 right after high school. After having children, I completely lost myself and gave all of my focus on my children. Now my children are getting older, but I still don't know myself. I've had several attempts at relationships, and they all fail. I stopped caring about a lot after my children's father left me. I fell into a spiral and got depressed.", "answerText": "What your are experience is normal for most women. We usually forget about self and totally focus on our children putting our personal wants and needs aside. So to answer your question of how do you get to know yourself I usually do a 6 session course with my client by having them answer questions such as the following in the first session: What do I love? (other than your children) What are my own needs and desires? What 3 things have I accomplished in my life that I'm most proud of? What are 5 strengths or qualities I have? What is one event that had a major impact on my life? How have that event affected my life today? For their homework assignment after the 1st session, they are asked to write a letter to self tell self what they love, cherish, appreciate and even admire about themselves. Most women feel awkward at first, but I remind them that the truth is that only to the extent that you are able to love and value yourself, you are to love and support others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I always see the worst end of things. My boyfriend and I aren't talking, and I swear he's leaving me. I keep failing my road test, and I see my future crumble. I have no desire for friends. I pushed my best friend away after Christmas, and I have no desire to fix it or make new friends. My aunt died, and I cry all the time, even if I burn my lunch.", "answerText": "I really love that you're taking responsibility for your pessimism here. There's a modern parable about two young brothers. One child is in a room full of every toy you could imagine, and he's miserable; the other is in a room full of horse manure, and he's flinging it around with joy. So then someone comes and asks the first boy why he's so miserable, because he has so much. He says that he's missing the one toy that he really wants. Then the brother is asked why he's so happy in a room full of manure, and he says \"With all this sh-t, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!\"Happiness is a state of mind, and I hear you saying that you used to be happy, so maybe this means you believe it's possible. That's a wonderful start.Research on depression shows us that it is very linked to pessimism. You say \"I always see the worst end of things\". That's pessimism. Life is like an elephant. If all you see is roughness, backup and walk around; the view will change.The key to optimism is to build your ability to see the bad things in life as 1. temporary (this will pass. I know how to fix friendships), 2. Specific (not involving the whole of your life), and 3. not your fault (tons of people fail road tests). On the flip side, it helps if we can see good things as 1. more permanent, 2. bleeding into other areas of our lives, and 3. something YOU created. Not taking credit for good things and blaming yourself for the bad ones is typical especially of women.The feelings you are having are temporary; you're in a slump and it's a good time to sit down and look at how you can make the picture look different. I think you know how; but you lack energy right now. If tackling this on your own isn't enough, a therapist can help you take that step back to look at the big picture and help you rebuild your natural resilience and capacity for joy. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was anxious to go to middle school. I was afraid of what people might say about me, so when school started, I wasn't acting like myself. I was quiet, which I'm usually not. I didn't talk to anybody and didn't have any friends. Then a few years later, my grandma died. I really became depressed and stop going to school for a little. I hated myself and still do. I just need help. I need someone to care for me. I need someone to show that they care.", "answerText": "I agree; you need more care and support. No one deserves to feel alone, or like they hate themselves. We're all wonderful, imperfect, complicated people and we're at our best when we're all helping each other. I'm glad you wrote this question, because a lot of people have this feeling sometimes.I can tell that you're smart, because you seem to sense that the two things you wrote about are connected...you \"not being yourself\", and then how you felt when your grandma died.When Grandma died, you needed and deserved extra love and support, but the people around you didn't seem to give it to you, maybe. My hunch is that they wanted to, but that they didn't know how much you needed it, or what you needed exactly. The older you get, the more you will have to take charge of letting people know what you need. Maybe this is one of the suckier parts of being mature, but that's how it works.When you started middle school, it sounds like you changed; you got more quiet, right? That must have felt weird, to not be acting like yourself. It sounds like fear tricked you into thinking people wouldn't like you. Fear can be silly. So then, fear got you to not show yourself, and when we don't show ourselves, people can't see who we are; they don't know us as well and then they don't know what we need and they can't care for us as well either. Fear of not being liked isolated you from the people who love you. It does that to a lot of us.So, where you're at right now is because of what fear did to you, and also because when Grandma died you were already isolated so people couldn't see your pain and know that you needed support.There's a simple solution, but you'd have to be brave enough to look fear in the face and say \"Get off my back!\". \"You're not helping me by telling me lies.\" Can you be brave enough to go back to your old, louder, self? If you talk to the people closest to you...tell them what you think and how you feel, then they'll be able to give you the care that you want and deserve. I wish you well as you try this!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was in a situation with a guy. Hes my brothers friend and kind of like a brother to me. He invited me over to hang out, and then came on to me. I was instantly terrified to say no, and I gave in. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't figure out why I'm afraid to say no. This is giving me a lot of guilt and depression.", "answerText": "Hi Tennessee, There is nothing wrong with you. There are many good reasons why you didn't say no. You didn't say no because you were caught off guard and unprepared; there is no place in life that teaches girls or boys how to manage it when someone crashes a sexual boundary. You also live in a culture where girls are encouraged to be cooperative and not upset people, and to put the needs of other people first. You instinctively want people to like you, and people can be very coercive sexually. You said it yourself; you \"gave in\". He wore you down.There's nothing wrong with you. It wasn't your job to say no. Women aren't the gatekeepers of male sexual urges. It was his job to get your consent first. He pressured you into it.A good therapist would help you to dig deep and uncover all these barriers to saying no and more. If you said no, what might happen then? What might that mean about you? What are you avoiding feeling? Unloved, unwanted, cold? What would you have to believe in order to be confident enough to say no? That you didn't have to do anything you don't want to do? That you're special, or that sexuality is special? Would you need a better understanding of what sexual assault is?I love that you want to do some work here to strengthen your sexual boundaries, and I urge a widespread conversation about what consent it. Men and women of all ages could use more of this training."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "People have been calling me names, and I have had enough of it. I cannot stand it anymore I'm done. I have told someone this, and that is why I am writing this. The thoughts are awful.", "answerText": "It's sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and are feeling very criticized by others as well. I think it is great that you are reaching out and I can tell that you want this to change. Working with a competent therapist may be a good option for getting some more clarity about what is going on, developing ways to cope, and eventually getting relief from these overwhelming experiences."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My life is completely normal, yet I feel empty inside. I feel as if I already know why I'm alive: to reproduce and die.", "answerText": "Are there any times or moments in which you feel other than \"empty\"? Start with knowing the context of when you feel something other than empty.If there is no recent example, then in your mind, go back in time to think of when you felt something other than empty. Recall what you liked about this time, whether you were by yourself or with others, what type of activity you were involved at the time of non-emptiness.How did you come to your conclusion that your life purpose is to reproduce and die? If this is what your parents, siblings and extended family believe, it is possible that you have a broader view of yourself and haven't yet uncovered a way of defining your own philosophy of living.Give yourself the time to browse around online, or in person social meet ups, on your interests. It is possible you will discover entire new areas of life and ways of considering life, that are brand new to you and which connect to your true self.This is one way of respecting your individuality, which of itself, may decrease your sense of emptiness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm almost never happy. Half of the time, I don't feel anything. I find it easy to make myself feel nothing. I know I push people away because its easier. I just want answers. I'm sick of feeling this way. Its ruining my relationships with people.", "answerText": "Maybe you have depression.The name of your condition matters much less than the descriptions you wrote of how you feel.Since you've observed how you sometimes interact with people and realize you aren't happy with the result, you've a very solid starting point for reflecting on your deeper wishes in relating to others.Start with asking reasons of yourself about the puzzling aspects of how you're engaging with others.Theorizing as to \"why\" you feel that pushing people away is \"easier\", and easier than what?Googling the keywords of how you feel, may open a starting point for ideas on knowing yourself and what you wish for."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm almost never happy. Half of the time, I don't feel anything. I find it easy to make myself feel nothing. I know I push people away because its easier. I just want answers. I'm sick of feeling this way. Its ruining my relationships with people.", "answerText": "Hi Loyal, This is a common question. I suggest that you not diagnose yourself (only a physician can do that), but the symptoms you mention are certainly common signs of depression; rarely happy, emotional numbness, hopelessness, isolation. Depression is very common. Research suggests that one in three people may experience it in their lifetime and at any one point, ten percent of adults may be experiencing it. Most therapists are very good at spotting the signs and treating accordingly, although only a physician can prescribe medication.The great news is that depression is treatable. Some people experiencing depression may benefit from medication (often to lift the heaviness of the illness enough so that one can focus on psychotherapy), and therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy and behavioural activation therapy have demonstrated a clear ability to reduce symptoms of depression. Even if medication helps, seeing a therapist to look at the roots of your depression and to build coping skills is very important.A qualified therapist will help you look at the barriers to happiness in your specific case and suggest a course of treatment. You are not alone, and you don't have to suffer. Keep asking questions and you will find your answers!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I are in a terrible place. Part of me wants to fix it, but then I'm caught up with not knowing how and not being able to communicate my feelings to him because he always feels I'm blaming him. Sometimes I am because the feelings of distrust are so strong. I feel they must be coming from something he's doing, but sometimes I know I'm being irrational. Still, that doesn't stop the anxiety. The other half of the time, I just want to walk away, but I feel like that will only be a temporary fix.", "answerText": "You may be pressuring yourself to be the one person who fixes the relationship. This is impossible because the relationship belongs to both of you.Has he told you whether he feels about himself that how he interacts with you, is contributing to problems in the couple?Is he willing to understand what you're asking of him, without shutting down with whatever he is feeling when he feels blamed?Your feelings of distrust are the natural outcome of not being properly heard and understood. He's not willing to listen to you, so of course you're frustrated and this frustration comes out in all sorts of uneasy feelings.Willingness to hear each other in a non-defensive way, sometimes requires a couples therapist's assistance.Ask your husband if he's willing to understand, not judge you. Be willing yourself to do the same.If after trying and getting nowhere, you'll know when to stop trying on your own as a couple and to find a specifically trained couples therapists.Warning, not all therapists are trained to do couples therapy. Ask the therapist if they've had specialized training in couples therapy.Otherwise, having a referee type therapy session of, \"what do you think\", \"what do you think?\", isn't going to do anything except frustrate both of you further.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?", "answerText": "Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are.if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem.Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having.\"Crazy\" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not.Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem.Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?", "answerText": "This can certainly be a side effect of some medications. If the voices are so powerful that you can not sleep or they are constantly present, you shouldn't wait any time, but go and see your doctor straight away."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've got so much anger. I don't know how to control myself. My girlfriend screams at me all the time, and sometime I don't know how to deal with life. I'm very depressed and angry. I feel lost.", "answerText": "Hi Campbell River,You say you have anger but you don't mention how it shows. Or maybe it doesn't. Are you aggressive with your girlfriend? Since you mention depression, I wonder if you're bottling it all up somewhere instead of letting it show at all. If this is the case, I admire your ability to not lash out at someone who's hurting you. However, if they are totally unexpressed, anger turn inward and shift into depression. When sheyells at you, what do you do? Is this the moment that you feel the most angry? I wouldn't be surprised; anger is a normal response to someone yelling at you.Something about anger...it's often there to cover up our more vulnerable emotions. Under the anger I wonder if you feel worthless, powerless, scared, unloved. Part of the trick to reducing anger is identifying those other emotions and expressing them.You say you don't know how to deal with life, and I think maybe you mean you don't know how to deal with emotions. Lots of people don't! This is confusing for most of us. What am I feeling? Why is it so strong? I'm afraid to express it for fear of hurting someone (or falling apart, or feeling alone...). How do I know what to express and what to be quiet about?These are all great questions to ask yourself, and a qualified therapist can help you sort it all out and support you in your growth. I wish you well!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been having this ongoing problem for most of my life now. I am a young adult, and right now, driving and even being a passenger gives me terrible panic attacks and anxiety. I can't ride in the backseat or the front seat with the safety belt on. I have to lean the seat back a bit because the pressure on my back terrifies me. I miss so many opportunities to go places with friends and family because of my fears of having a panic attack. My family offers little to no support. They think it's fake or \"all in my head.\" It makes me feel guilty and at times depressed to the point where I'd rather never wake up anymore. I am not self-harming, I just feel meaningless. This constant fear has taken over my thoughts and my life. I was such a happy person. I want my life back. I want to travel with my friends and family again, but I don't know how. I've almost given up hope on getting better and just accepting the fact that I'll live with this anxiety forever.", "answerText": "Not having support from your family for such a significant problem, is a problem itself.How about your friends, are any of them nurturing or treat you kindly when you bring up that you've got this problem?Are any of your friends willing to accommodate the fact that right now you've got panic attacks from driving and being a passenger?Maybe being and feeling accepted while you're in this current phase of your life, would help diminish the panic attacks.If no support is coming to you, then a next step would be to evaluate the relationships in your life and to develop standards and expectations of others, especially that they are considerate of your great need at this time.Its possible you are bearing the emotional burden of a lot more people in your life than yourself.If no one wants to show they care about this situation, then release yourself from trying to please and satisfy everyone's wish that you be better, while they ignore your need for their support.Be realistic in what you're able to give back to people who want to be blind to your emotional need.Thinking this way will at first raise your anxiety level from fear of losing everyone. Eventually, you'll stabilize within yourself and know that all you're asking for is some support for having a tough time.Hopefully, the others will be more responsive to you.If they don't you still know that you're being reasonable for what you'd like."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am broke, but I am sure I have been depressed for the past couple of years. I have always had anxiety. I just need someone to talk to right now. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to. I'm on the verge of just giving up.", "answerText": "Good question. There are resources out there - people to talk to. I'd try going to this link and calling the free 24/7 hotline:http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know how to have emotions. I never had any from my birth. Being human, I think of myself as a monster. I enjoy pain. I cut myself for my climax during sex. I think most of the time, I lie, even when sometimes it would have been easy just to tell the truth. I was in rehabilitation for four year. I have made love with both men and women, but it made no impact in my emotions. The books that I enjoy reading H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe. I go hunting every Saturday. I feel powerful. I don't enjoy the killing of the creature, but the hunt of it and to eat and drink the flesh and blood of the creature.", "answerText": "I'm not sure that you don't feel emotion or that you are frightened of the depth of your emotions.From what you write, the context of your growing up years had people telling you to not feel. Little kids and babies don't remember whether or not they had emotions since birth. This is information someone told you or was part of your family system.Possibly your family was afraid of their emotions or of you knowing yours.Similarly, your comparison of being human means being monster like, is not an obvious connection. Besides, monsters are an idea, they aren't real. They embody what someone considers the worst qualities of themselves or the human species. Again, I wonder whether you've taken on stories you heard growing up about how unacceptable and bad you are.A way to start learning your emotions is to start in simple, basic ways to ask yourself what you are feeling in the situations that you believe emotions would belong.If on the first bright sunny and warm day of the year, you remind yourself to notice what you're feeling in response to this, you'll be taking one step toward awareness of your emotions.If someone buys you a birthday present, be aware of how you feel. Keep adding awareness to situations and see if this builds an ease with feeling emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am on my own with my daughter. I am so worried and stressed about her.", "answerText": "Your instinct to help your daughter, is natural.How you proceed depends a lot on whether she recognizes she has a psychological and emotional problem, or if only you see this from observing her.Also, her age matters a lot in what way would be most likely to succeed in addressing the problems you describe.If you and your daughter have different opinions as to whether or not she has problems, and she is above the legal age of when you have authority over her life, then you can only suggest to her that therapy may benefit her.If your daughter is in your legal control, then you can locate a counselor nearby, discuss your situation with that person, and depending on the outcome, you'd be within your parenting right to take your daughter to a counselor.Starting therapy without willingness to do so, is risky. The person may feel resentful enough to not participate. And, sometimes the counselor is skillful enough to find a path to your daughter, or any patient's self-interest and engage them in therapy.Family counseling, regardless of your daughter's age, is another way to bring your concerns to your daughter's attention, in a therapy environment in which a counselor would be able to help distinguish the seriousness of your daughter's psychological problem, from simply a difference in viewpoints between you and your daughter, in how to handle certain situations.Also, if you believe your daughter is a threat to herself, then instead of this slower route, get in touch with the emergency psychological assessment service in your town, for a more immediate response."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just had a newborn. When I brought him home, my mom told me to leave. Now I'm in a women's home. I don't see my boyfriend that often because he works. The women's place is helping me find an apartment so I can go back to work and get child care.", "answerText": "Congrats on the birth of your son!Was your mom's request for you to leave her house, one which she asked awhile ago or was this her greeting when you walked in the door?My question is whether your mom had some changed circumstance in her life, whether she and you discussed living arrangements prior to your son's birth, or whether nothing was talked about, you assumed you'd be living with her, she assumed you wouldn't, and the two of you didn't speak to one another about any of this.Depending on the answers, there may be clues as to handling future expectations of others, especially your mom.From what you write, the women's home is supportive of your basic daily living needs. It is good news that the people who run this home know and offer community resources.In your interactions with the staff of the women's home, ask all the questions necessary so you'll have a clear understanding of the apartment lease, anything at all that is on your mind about becoming employed and finding childcare.The point is to have all the major steps you're about to start, addressed.This way, you'll be minimizing the possibility of any sudden bad news by the women's home, told to you.Sending lots of good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have experienced cycles of depression for the past four years, and it hits me harder every time it comes back. This past time, it was extremely debilitating, so I went on Wellbutrin. I could feel the effects of the medicine after the first week. A month and a half later, I decided that my depression was being caused by my own unwillingness to move forward and address my behaviors and thoughts that were keeping me in a place of despair. I became worried that the medicine was making me complacent and prohibiting me from working out what I needed to in my life to bring back true fulfillment. I stopped taking it a month ago and feel okay; a lot of the anxiety it was paired with has gone away. However, I still don't feel my sense of self has been completely regained, and I have days where I feel a zombie-like haze of having no interests or the ability to fully concentrate on anything. Is it better to continue letting time and good habits work out the remaining depression or should I go back on the medicine?", "answerText": "Deciding whether or not psychiatric medicine is a good option can be complicated, as you have noticed, and only a person who is licensed to prescribe can give you medical advice regarding medications. While there is sometimes relief from symptoms from medication, as you have pointed out, there are often negative side effects as well. While I can't give you advice on whether or not to continue medication, I would urge you to take an inventory of the positive and negative effects that you have noticed and educate yourself as much as possible about the short and long-term costs and benefits of psychiatric medication. If you can find a doctor, psychiatrist, or ARNP who is competent in mental health, it may also benefit you to consult with them.One thing that I am wondering about is, what is your support system like, in regards to your fight against depression? Are you seeing a therapist or attending any therapeutic or supportive group? While there are many things that one can do on their own to work through challenges such as depression, psychotherapy has been shown time and again in research to be highly effective and sometimes having a relationship with a caring, competent professional who understands depression and ways of helping can make a huge difference."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "At school, it feels like I've lost all my friends, and I've been really weird with my sleeping patterns. I used to cut myself, and I really want to again, but I change in the locker rooms because I dont want anybody to see. I get ticked off easy and overreact. At night, Im very depressed and listen to sad music and all that sort of stuff. Please help me. I just want to be happy again, and I feel like Im starting to fake a smile at school.", "answerText": "As silly as it may sound, making sure that we are getting the right amount of *restful* sleep is very important when we are feeling low. The reason for this is the lack of proper sleep significantly affects our ability to problem solve and critically evaluate our situation and can lead to a domino effect in our thinking. I know you feel that you may be losing your friendships, but what are the facts that have led to this belief? Really ask yourself, \"are they facts?\" or are they your perspective on events. In regards to your coping behaviours at night, it sounds very isolating and also very silenced. As opposed to the sad music, why not try all music, allowing yourself to experience the wide breadth of emotions that are circling within you. One of the other recommendations I would make would be to try and journal about some of those thoughts and fears in order to release them in a positively cathartic way.Some of the behaviours that you have mentioned are a bit more significant, though and I would recommend speaking with someone directly in the near future."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think about death all the time because I feel so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me.", "answerText": "Feeling alone and/or isolated is almost always associated with being depressed. As humans, we need connection and interaction with others in order to feel satisfied. Given that you are frequently thinking about death, I highly recommend that you see a mental health professional as soon as possible to help assess your immediate needs and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to your feelings of loneliness and depression.The good news is that with proper, consistent treatment and commitment to change, things can really turn around for you. A therapist can work with you on building enjoyable activities into your daily routine, change maladaptive thought patterns that contribute to your sadness, and help with exploring what has gotten you to where you are. By learning about where your sadness originates, engaging in preferred activities, and changing your thought patterns, you should begin feeling relief from the burden of depression. What will likely result, is further opportunity to find social outlets and an increased ability to connect with others.Don't give up. Create some short terms goals that you can likely achieve and make your treatment a priority and a focus. You have already taken the first step in getting better by writing to this site. Keep on this path and believe in yourself. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think about death all the time because I feel so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me.", "answerText": "Hi Ohio,I'm so glad you reached out. I urge you to talk to someone close to you, today, about your feelings, and to also seek professional help for your serious thoughts and feelings. We want you to be safe, and your depression is treatable.Loneliness is so painful, and when we feel lonely, this can lead to fears that we are not worthy of love or that the world is just a cold and lonely place. Neither are truths; only thoughts. Once we have fears like this though, we start to pull away from people, the fears keep us isolated, which makes the thoughts worse, and the cycle continues.We all have a place in this world. We all have value, we all deserve love, and there are safe, wonderful people out there waiting to meet you and care for you.Can you take a moment right now to become more in touch with three things? First, who in your life, if they were sitting beside you right now, would say \"wait a minute...I love you!\" What is the evidence that you are already cared about? Then ask yourself \"what is the evidence that I am lovable?\" What qualities do you have that make you a good friend or person? The third question is \"what tells you the world is a good place?\" What evidence do you see that there are people out there who care about others?Please reach out to someone today as you ask yourself those questions. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fiance suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She has had it most of her life. Her anxiety in public places is the worst. It gets to points where she can't breathe or move. Sometimes, she won't even go to the restroom, so she will hold in her pee until her stomach hurts or she pees herself. She curls up in corners at the mall and has panic attacks. She won't eat or drink in public. If she isn't having a panic attack or crying, she's clinging to me and avoiding everything and everyone. Her depression flares up out of nowhere and causes her to become very suicidal and self-harming. She get really sick from anxiety and scared to the point that I can't even get her to eat, drink, leave the bed, or go outside. She always tells me how she grew up around so much fighting and fear that it makes her scared of loud sounds, yelling, conflict, and even talking to strangers in public. She will refuse to go to a store unless I am with her to talk to the cashier for her. She is so scared that I can't even get her to drive. She doesn't want to get her license because she's scared of trying to drive. Some people have recommended medication, but I believe it's just going to cover up her illness and not solve it. I don't want my fiance pumped with drugs. I believe a psychiatric service dog would be the best bet for her. When we first met my poodle, it would calm her down a lot. She took the dog out every time we went out, and she seemed much calmer and happier. She slowly would eat, and the dog seemed to make her feel a lot better. I am worried and want to help her without medication.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been a positive support for your fiancee. There is no doubt that this situation is a great challenge for the both of you. While it may feel like you are responsible for her health and happiness, it is important that you understand that you, on your own, won't be able to resolve her mental health issues. Based on what you have explained, it sounds like she needs to get a medical and/or psychiatric evaluation. Whether or not she decides to take medication is her (and your) decision, but keeping an open mind about treatment options is important. I suggest that she see a therapist on her own in order to better understand and cope with her anxiety and depression, especially given her suicidal thoughts. You would also likely benefit from therapy, individual or couple's therapy, in order to address how you are feeling andbest learn how to support her and your relationship. I wish the very best for both of you and hope that things will improve sooner than later."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm unemployed just relocated. I can't get approved for a place to live because of past mistakes which follow me to this day. I'm depressed and on the verge of loosing my partner because I'm overwhelmed and have trouble functioning on a daily basis. I see no light at the end of this tunnel and need some help. I see no point in this chaos infested joke some call life.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling like things are hopeless and out of control and you're not sure what to do about it. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, together you may be able to come up with some strategies for alleviating the overwhelming distress that you are experiencing and gain some insight into what may be contributing to these challenges. Additionally, a therapist may be able to support you in getting back on your feet in regards to work, a place to live, and showing up with your partner in a way that will be more satisfying to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm supposed to stay here the rest of my academic life, but I've never liked it here, not even before I came. Ive never felt like I belong, Ive missed my country every second in the past four months, and I'm just miserable. I'm gaining weight, doing nothing, and crying for hours straight. Is it time to go back home or is it just culture shock?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling very unsure and out of place and the prospect of continuing to feel as you do now for the remainder of schooling seems daunting. Without getting to know more about you and your experiences here and at home, it is hard to say what you should do, however, I think exploring these things with a competent therapist may help you to discover the answer."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in high school and have been facing anxiety issues lately. Whenever I get close to being in a relationship, some kind of anxiety takes over and keeps me from the relationship. This anxiety causes me depression at times and even makes me want to vomit. While a semi-relationship should be joyous, for me, its an emotional nightmare I cant get to the bottom of. Ive had this before and had to leave the semi-relationship to avoid throwing up every time I made contact with my crush. What could be the reason behind this? Is it massive nerve problems? Is it a fear of a bad relationship? While Im not quite ready to be in one anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this for a brighter future in which I can be in one. I dont take medications and have no desire to, I have read forums, and Ive talked about the issue with my sister who has faced similar problems.", "answerText": "Hi Helena,I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... \"semi-relationship\". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a \"hook-up\" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end.This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that.Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt?Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just got out of a two year relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn't showing any affection at all. He was talking to other women and lying about it. It pushed me away and hurt me, but I'm still in love with him. A couple days after our breakup, he was talking to someone new. He told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. I cried for several days, lost my appetite, and couldn't sleep. Our whole relationship was only us. We didn't have friends. It was me and him against the world. We didn't talk to anyone else because we only wanted to talk to each other. We hung out constantly and Skyped to sleep every single night. Then, when I cut myself, we talked on Skype. He cried and told me \"I'm still in love with you, I never stopped loving you,\" and I cried tears of joy. I asked multiple times if he loved me and asked to make sure he wasn't just saying that because of me being so depressed. He promised and assured me he loved me. He came over after that, and we had sex because he wanted to. He went the home that night and told me he didn't love me, and he lied because he was scared. He told me I wasn't attractive, I wasnt beautiful to him, and that I changed. He also told me he was 100% sure he'd never love me again. I'm still in love with him. Why do I love him? How do I stop? Just knowing that someone else is with him hurts me. That I wasn't good enough and that I'm no longer beautiful hurts me. I think I need a therapist, but don't know if I should.", "answerText": "I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering. Losing the mostsignificant person in your life is extremely painful and breakups are often equated to a death. There will certainly be a grieving process that you go through and time passing will allow the hurt to subside. With that being said, seeing a therapist is highly recommended as it sounds like continuous supportmay be necessary for healing to take place. Anytimesadness causes thoughts of suicide or self harm, it is important to get help immediately.A therapist can help you by validating your feelings and what you are goingthrough, while also working with you to move through the grieving process, adopt new hobbies, social outlets, and goals for your future. While starting over and trying out new ways of being may seem like a daunting task,it will only make things easier and give you asense of hope and purpose for your future. With the new year right around the corner, this could be viewed as a good time and opportunity to get reaquainted with yourself and set goals relatedto living a more fullfilling life. Hang in there. Witha support system in place and a healthy mindset, things can only get easier.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A friend of mine taking psychology advised I go to my doctor to check if I have major depressive disorder. I'm afraid of the consequences of doing so. If I do become diagnosed with major depressive disorder, wont that go on my records? I will never be able to become a counselor along with a list of other things I may be prohibited from. Im also afraid of taking any anti-depressants. This year, my doctor gave me some for a \"dislocated hip.\" I had a severe reaction and passed out moments after taking them. Everyone I know who has taken anti-depressants says its a bad idea all around and youre better getting treatment without them. Im concerned they might take me to a clinic and force me to take medication because I am unable to make decisions on my own. Im not really suicidal, but I am not really taking care of myself either. Someone also told me they still use electroshock therapy. Im not keen on that. Im wondering if I am better off just getting self-help and working things out on my own. Its just that I've been an emotional mess since I was in elementary school. Ive graduated now and tried to stay positive and be happy, but I cannot deny I still am not good.", "answerText": "I admire your courage for stating your view about anti-depressants. Questioning mainstream thinking and being in touch with your own views, are signs of strength and clarity in a person.As a therapist, I always tell my patients to avoid anti-depressants.Their effectiveness is in suppressing a person's mood and feelings. If someone does not know how they are feeling, then they will have more difficulty in understanding themselves, their uncertainties and hesitations, and overall, how they relate to others and what they expect from others.Anti-depressants mask how someone feels.In a crisis, temporarily taking anti-depressants may be helpful. If someone is so overwhelmed that they are not functioning, then suppressing unhappy feelings so that the person can get through a day, may be of benefit for a short while.Basically, respect and follow your own opinion about anti-depressants. Your view is shared by many. It is a minority opinion, and very valid.If you would like to shop for a therapist, ask the person on the phone, what their opinions are about anti-depressants.Ideally, you will eventually find a therapist who thinks in a way which is similar to you, or at least similar enough that you will have a sense that you are able to trust working with them on whatever you define as problematic.I hope you will have an easy and productive therapist search!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have no real friends. I have a girlfriend who irritates me but loves me to death. I push her away and pushes me away. Were going through a breakup, and I have nobody.", "answerText": "Having time all to yourself may be necessary so you have time to reflect on your own identity and values, become more clear on what matters most to you, and with this increased self-understanding, be able to attract people who will feel like satisfying friends.Having a relationship with someone whom you push away and are pushed away, with someone who is irritating, seems to have limited benefit for each of you.Maybe you are together from fear of being alone, and being alone is exactly what you may now need in your life in order to draw more favorable people to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been hospitalized twice. Once was last month for psychiatric help. I'm on medicine, but I'm struggling with fighting the negative thoughts, irrational fears, and loneliness. The people around me aren't helping much.", "answerText": "If you are someone who usually has a job, pays or contributes to household bills, and generally manages your own daily life, then here are some suggestions.Start with small changes in your life so that you will feel successful in developing little areas of personal happiness.Since the people whom you currently are in your life \"aren't helping much\", consider branching out your life so that you are with those with whom you do feel help you.Follow your natural interests. If you like reading, look online for a local book club. If you like watching birds, look up a bird watching group.Social isolation increases the intensity of negative feelings.Also, the way healthcare is set up in the US, psychiatrists spend 15 minutes asking a person questions and then giving them a pill script. There is almost no human interest in the person.If you'd like feeling better as a person, then find people. Relying only on our mental health system will keep you feeling low and unsteady.If your life is a little more sheltered and you are in a group home setting or your basic needs are taken care of by someone or some organization, then similar advice is still valid.Find and participate in whatever human settings which appeal to you and are available on a somewhat regular basis."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through a divorce with my wife of three years, who I've known since the 4th grade and been involved with for seven years! We just had a baby seven months ago and never got along with my mother, who I've lived with for years. I am now back with my mother because I have nowhere to go with this divorce looming. I'm heart broken because I fell into a depression, I haven't seen my child in a while, I'm having good and bad dreams, and I feel hated. Can you help? Can you intervene? Can I speak with someone?", "answerText": "It's hard to accept the end of a marriage when it's not your choice; you feel powerless, abandoned and unwanted. Your wife has the right to decide not to be in a marriage with you, and a therapist can help you accept and move through this change that has broken your heart and left you lost. You don't indicate why you haven't seen your child, and you may want to consult with a lawyer about the laws in your area and how to gain access to your baby. Therapists don't intervene in these ways. The marriage may be ending, but your role as a loving father is only beginning. You can focus on giving your child the gift of two parents who respect each other."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with ADHD and experienced manic depression episodes. I have problems with anger management. Apparently, I also have an ODD, bipolar and split personality. How can I be truly happy?", "answerText": "The ADHD and manic depressive episodes are terms other people told you that you have.You don't have to accept these words to describe who you are.A lot of mental health in our country is about telling people what's wrong with them and giving pills for these so called conditions, instead of helping a person know more about themselves in order to make good decisions.You can be happy because nothing from the outside, such as the names people have used to tell you who you are, can interfere with your own wish to be happy.Others can slow you down because of the self-doubt and hurt feelings. No one can take happiness from you, only they can make it harder to find and hold onto.Anger management only works temporarily because it is a surface approach.Think of the reason you are angry. This will be better to know so you will be able to address it.Then you will not have anger to manage."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was married to a narcissist sociopath for 10 years. During that time I was a general manager. I used to help him financially and in other ways when we were together. But things began to change. He emotionally and sexually drained me. I lost my spirit. I used to be a very happy person but now I am a loner. I left him and moved to another state. Currently, I'm working as a server which makes me believe less in myself. I feel pity for myself a lot but don't know what to do. When I have money problems, he does not help me. He actually enjoys seeing me have a hard time in my life. I need help.", "answerText": "Congratulations on leaving your marriage!It is ok and natural to feel sadness, loss, uncertainty in direction, hurt, resulting from ending the marriage.Possibly what you consider \"pity\" is a combination of these feelings.Be kind and caring toward who you are since you just put yourself through a major separation and need time to clear out the old emotions that connected you to your ex.There is very, very little chance of him helping you since he lacks compassion and empathy.More likely any help he gave would be in order to manipulate you.Maybe for now your server job is ok do you have more time to concentrate on taking care of your emotions.You were a manager once, you can be a manager again when you feel ready for doing so.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I always feel like I'm not good enough and it literally is so hard living. I don't know how to talk to my parents about it.", "answerText": "Are you a teen? This is a really hard problem for more teens (and adults) than let on. When I was about 15, I remember asking my parent's friend, Herman, whether life gets any easier when you get older. He said the problems are actually harder, but you gain the ability to deal with them better. I've been an adult a long time now, and that is so true.If you need someone to talk to, consider a teacher or a school guidance counselor or someone you respect, maybe in church. If they're good and they don't know how to help you, they may know how to get you to someone who can. Also, the idea of not being \"good enough\" is a common psychological event. In CBT it's called a \"core belief,\" but I call it a \"core lie\" in my book, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human. If you are serious about changing yourself, read about it at www.LivingYes.org and pick up a copy there or on Amazon. I hope this was helpful. The future is filled with possibility if we don't prejudge it! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have manic depression and last summer was very very bad. I have recurring nightmares and I avoid anything that will give me a similar feeling as I did that summer.", "answerText": "A PTSD diagnosis requires an event which occurred at least 6 months prior to the symptoms. Depression is a common symptom of PTSD, but depression can come from many other sources as well. In the end, diagnoses are systems of behavioral labels. If you believe that one label (PTSD) is worse than another (Depression), you are creating a false hierarchy. Consider consulting a CBT therapist, such as the fine clinicians listed in AcademyofCT.org. You may also want to look at my book, Living Yes, for many ideas about challenging your thinking and improving you mood. www.LivingYes.org.I hope you feel better soon. ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have manic depression and last summer was very very bad. I have recurring nightmares and I avoid anything that will give me a similar feeling as I did that summer.", "answerText": "In general, the answer is no. Depression can not not generally cause PTSD.Your question does make a lot of sense, though. Depression is a common symptom of PTSD.A counselor in your area should be able to help you what's going on - either feelings of depression, PTSD, or both."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My doctor thinks that seeing a psychiatrist will help with my depression and anxiety. Now my anxiety is worse, what do I do? Writing on here has taken every bit of strength I have left.", "answerText": "Did you take the medication the way the psychiatrist prescribed it? Did you follow up with her/him to report how it was going? Different medications work differently with different people. It's not always the first one that helps. And some of the medications take some time to have an effect. Give the doctor the chance to help you.I suggest you find a certified CBT therapist to help you examine your thinking. www.AcademyofCT.org has listings of the finest CBT clinicians. In the meantime, do some \"anxiety fasting\" by taking a few minutes to do something nice for yourself right now. I hope you feel better soon. ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am always down and out. Could this be postpartum depression?", "answerText": "Probably. I always tell the new parents I work with (and this is just as true for dads as it is for moms) that if you are feeling off, seek help. Postpartum Support International (www.postpartum.net) is a great place to start finding resources and locating support."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My last relationships have ended horribly. They just up and abandoned me. One of them I have never gotten closure with over it, leaving me emotionally wrecked. I know something's wrong with me but I don't know how to even start trying to better myself. I get into these depressed like states whenever anyone I care about is too busy to be with me. I know that I shouldn't act like that because people are genuinely busy, but I feel like they're doing it just because they don't want to be around me.", "answerText": "Frequently when working with clients, I utilize the A-B-C model developed by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Theory. The theory basically states that you can not control an event but you can control your reaction to the emotions associated with said event. For instance here is an example:A (Action or Event): You need to talk to someone and that person is not calling you back.B (Behavior or Response): You begin to tell yourself that this person is too busy for me or I am not important to this person.C (Consequence): You feel depressed.If you look at the model, B has a direct effect on C. The thought is if you change your reaction to A, then C will have a better consequence, such as:A: stays the same.B (this is what you change): This person must be busy, they will call me back when they get a chance or I can call someone else to lean on for support until this person is available.C: Decreased feelings of depression & overall functioning improves.This is just an example but if you actively work to replace the negative thought patterns that effect your behavior, studies show that your overall outlook and mood will improve. If this model resonates with you, I recommend \"Feeling better, getting better, staying better\" by Alber Ellis. In addition, looking for support groups in your area are a great source of support when you are feeling abandoned or alone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what's wrong with me. At times I can be really happy, excited, I'll talk fast, and I want to do things. But lately I've been staying up way later and sleeping too much. I don't hang out with friends, I don't really have them. I feel nothing, worthless. I want to do nothing, I have no interest in anything. All I usually do is stay in my room. I want to be happy, I want to be nice. What's wrong with me?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling as if you're in a slump. First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Many people report similar symptoms. Have you ever talked with a physician regarding your symptoms? Two extreme emotions such as feeling extremely happy and then feeling extremely low for a length of time may indicate a mood disorder. I think it would be best to talk with your doctor or a therapist to help pinpoint the issue causing them.It's possible that it could just be certain stressors in your life that are causing the two extremities but you definitely want to rule out any mental health issues. If it is in fact mental health related there are many medications or therapy choices that can help.Thanks for reaching out! I hope that you will feel back on track soon!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a state of depression right now. Who can I talk to? I've been sick in a lot of pain and crying. Don't know where to turn.", "answerText": "First of all, if youre sick and in pain, have you seen your doctor? If you have a chronic illness and pain, this can often lead to depression and is very common. Youve taken the first step to dealing with it. You can talk to your doctor, even if your depression isnt related to your health. He or she can either look at prescribing you an antidepressant or can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist.If thats not really an option for you, there arealso helplines (local or national) or support groups where people dealing withsimilar issuescan talk to each other. If you can't find any in your area (newspapers usually publish this information), there areonline support groups as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been married for 3 years and I have two kids. During my 3-years married, my husband cheated on me twice. The second time really got to me and at my lowest I hurt him back. We aren't communicating as well as I would like. What do I do?", "answerText": "Hi there. Thank you reaching out for help. It takes a lot of courage for someone that is being abused to reach out for help. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way that I can.First and foremost, you did not mention whether or not you had children yourself by this man. Im going to assume there are. So, the most important thing right at this moment is asking yourself, if you and your children are safe? Is the boyfriend currently living in the home or is he coming and going? If he is coming and going or currently living in the home, my suggestion for you to is to pack a bag for you and your children and go somewhere safe (i.e. family members home, friend or a shelter temporarily). I cannot stress this enough. Although, some people tend to minimize their abusers behavior (i.e. they only do it when they are drinking, they only do it when they are mad), its those individuals that find themselves or their children in a serious situation. So, you can never take abuse (physical or mental) lightly because you never know what is going through that persons mind at that particular time. Its always better to be safe than sorry.Secondly, it will not be safe, helpful or productive to attempt to talk to the abuser about your relationship. Abusers often times try and manipulate you into staying by apologizing or attempting to justify their behaviors. This is the time you would want to go see a magistrate in order to get a protective order for you and your children.Its unfortunate that your significant other was involved with another women causing pregnancy; however, that is no longer your concern. Your concern at this point is keeping yourself and your children safe. I would also suggest counseling for you and your children in order to work through these issues. I hope this was helpful and please stay safe and take care of yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "What you are experiencing is totally normal and these emotions mean you are human! Humans are social creatures who were created to be in connection with others, but sometimes our life experiences or genetics can make that more difficult for some of us.It is possible that these reactions are based on negative reactions you have had with others in the past, maybe your family, or other traumatic interactions with others. It is also possible that they are caused by an underlying condition such as anxiety or depression, which may cause you to be more uncomfortable around others or annoyed by others. Some people are also more bothered by crowded spaces, loud interactions, and the actions of others.Of course you prefer animals (me too!), they provide unconditional love and support, do not judge you, and do not require you to have conversations with them.The fact that you have conversations in your head at night tells me that although you say you do not like people, you are craving some social connection. What is probably the case is that you were never really taught how to interact and have those conversations. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you, you just need a little help learning how to have these conversations and taking some healthy risks to initiate conversations and that is something that I help many of my clients with in therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this! While animals can be a wonderful way to experience emotional support, you may want to consider opening up to a Life Coach or therapist to discuss some of your concerns. You are not alone, and many people are experiencing very similar anxieties. A Life Coach or professional therapist could help to guide you through these emotions and refer you to additional professional help if needed. It sounds as though you want to address some of these issues by first asking the question. Finding additional support from a trained professional whom you feel comfortable with could be the best way to get the help that you need. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "You are a unique individual exhibiting some of the traits of a specific type of temperament. Through temperament counseling you can come to know, accept, and manage your God-given temperament to become all that God intended. There is nothing wrong with you -- God loves you as you are and wants to help you balance your temperament needs."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "The thing I picked up immediately in what you're asking is how you don't like other people because \"they make me nervous and scared.\" If someone said that to me in a therapy session, I'd want to understand this much more with them, and what this \"nervous and scared\" experience is all about: perhaps starting with the question, \"what's the earliest memory you have of feeling uncomfortable around people.\" The idea would be to try to understand all of what it means for you to be around people, and the history of the experience, without labeling it wrong or passing judgment on it.From there what might come is that certain people, and their character traits, might be harder to be around for you because of experiences that you've had with similar situations in your life. Or, it could certainly be something completely different. It would be most important to understand it much more deeply considering the amount of distress it causes you, and in doing so we could begin to see it as \"normal for me.\""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "What you're experiencing is anxiety, it's actually quite common. Good news - you're not alone in this experience! That being said, it can be so frustrating and upsetting to have to contend with the anxious thoughts that come up in our heads, sometimes without any warning. Additionally, nighttime is a particularly vulnerable time for a lot of people wherein anxiety rears its' ugly head even more so. We aren't as distracted at night and our resources are more depleted so we can't fight back against these thoughts as effectively as usual.It can be helpful to externalize our anxiety, give it a name, like \"Judy\" or \"Bill\" for example (or perhaps something more sinister like Lord Garmadon??). The naming is all up to you, what comes to mind for you when you think of your anxiety, now what is a name that's fitting? The act of externalizing separates us from the anxiety a bit and makes it a little more tolerable. If you can think of your anxiety as just something else to handle rather than it being a part of your personality, this is usually helpful.Additionally, I recommend not avoiding the situations that make you feel this way. Our brains have to learn what is an actual threat and what is not. Right now, your brain thinks that crowds are a threat, if you can practice some deep breathing and stay in the crowd, you will start to teach (or rewire) your brain, letting it know that the crowd is not dangerous to you. Think of your brain as an overprotective parent. Your brain is overreacting in these situations to try and keep you safe. It just needs to learn that the situation is not a danger to begin with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "I think you have a lot of insight into whats going on - being able to pinpoint the issue youre facing and describe the responses it evokes. It sounds like you may be dealing with social anxiety and it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor about this. A therapist can help you develop tools (or coping strategies) for dealing with these situations. From what youve shared, you might benefit from animal assisted therapy. Equine therapy is a great approach, or even just working with a therapist who uses animal assisted therapy integrated with a traditional approach to counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Reaching out to talk about these issues is an important first step. Finding professional services might be recommended if these issues are happening more and more. A few things to note...Anger is an important secondary feeling to be aware of- it keeps us safe, allows us to stand up for ourselves or others....but it also harbors a myriad of disadvantages. But its secondary. It's more necessary to understand the primary emotions behind the anger- worry, confusion, frustration, fear, loneliness, etc...Anxiety has a lot to do with worrying about the future, especially things that we might not be able to control. If we focus our worry on negative things- mistakes, failures, or messups then we will inherently tell ourselves negative things about ourselves. People tend to dwell on the negatives without embracing, or as t least recognizing, the positives."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable in large crowds, or large family gatherings. You may worry about not fitting in, or having anything to say. It is important to have a friend or two. Try to find someone with similar interests. Maybe you can do things that don't involve a lot of face to face contact, like going to see a movie, play or sporting event. Many people are perfectly happy doing things in small groups. If you have ongoing conversations in your head, it is usually due to worry about being judged, and wanting to do or say the exact right thing, as mentioned above. Finding someone to talk to, either a supportive friend or therapist, would allow you to get some of those thoughts our of your head, and realize that you are more accepted than you think. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Since you're aware of your sensitivity to being among large groups of people, then continue to satisfy this and stay away from crowds as much as reasonably possible.It is also fine to prefer the companionship of animals, as long as it is not to the exclusion of relationships with people.Recognizing this feature about yourself is another example of self-understanding.The only point to consider is the reason you avoid talking with other people.If its because of bad or stressful encounters, betrayals or some type of violation, then having this relationship pattern remain in your mind, may introduce new problems such as loneliness from lack of close friends.What you should do is honestly understand whether you avoid people from fear of being hurt or exploited in some way or because you genuinely prefer solitude.If you have the right combination of people/solitude/animals, then great!If not, then consider the confidential office of a therapist for new understanding of yourself and your social interests."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Thanks for sharing your concern! I think you'd be surprised if you knew how many people feel the same way. Being in crowds can provoke anxiety (one of the symptoms of anxiety is irritability or anger, like you described). For some people, that's just because of their personality (if you tend to be more introverted, being around lot of people is really draining). For others, it can point to a diagnosis of social anxiety.I'd recommend starting by writing down your self-talk. It sounds like you are telling yourself a lot of negative messages (as you mentioned, having imaginary conversations and assuming people are judging you). Write down the thoughts that are leading to you feeling terrible and crying. Maybe that's: I'm stupid, Everyone else is having a good time so I should be too, There's something wrong with me. Just writing these down is an important starting point because it allows you to be objective to your thoughts. When you see them on paper, you can start to identify the lies and reframe them. Next to your negative thoughts, write some positives: I have something to offer, I'm okay the way I am, It's okay to prefer 1:1 relationships, etc. Hopefully even as you read some of those suggestions, you feel a little lighter and more okay with yourself.Take care!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "So amazing that you are aware of your social anxiety and distress with others you are in relationships with. You have taken the first step toward a journey of healing!Secondly, make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in neurofeedback and biofeedback treatment. A test is needed to determine which areas of your brain are on and which areas of your brain are off. Then it will be focused treatment which will speed your healing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "You might be surprised how normal you are. Anxiety is incredibly common and while your particular type of existential anxiety might be unique to you - it is very difficult for most people to really comprehend what happens after we die - regardless of the religious or philosophical belief systems we hold. It is the ultimate unknown and some philosophers and psychologists believe that at the root of our day-to-day anxieties is the fear of death or fear of the unknown. Just as it can be really hard to comprehend the ending of life it can also be hard to comprehend an eternal existence. What these both have in common is that we are imaging a future that is ultimately unknowable and this unknown can provoke a lot of anxiety.Mindfulness based practices like meditation - maybe there is something like this in your religious tradition - can be very helpful in making peace with the unknown in the present moment. The more we can learn to live in the moment - the less we get hung up on anticipating outcomes for our lives that may never come true. Mindfulness practices can help you ground, be where you are , relax and regulate your nervous system so that you are able sleep and recuperate, and train your attention to focus on living the life you want to live now - rather than worrying about what happens after you die.Having said all that - it can be profoundly helpful to speak with someone about your anxiety - especially when you feel haunted by it, worry that you are crazy and can't get to sleep. There are lots of good therapists out there who can help you with your anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "Good questions! The paradox of thinking about forever is that you can become more motivated to live only in the present. Thinking about forever can certainly be overwhelming, it's a lot to think about, What can you do about your future? Be present - learn and relax, knowing that you are doing everything you can right here, right now. There is a book by Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now - that you might be interested in. Enjoy your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "Your life here matters and being present in it so you feel joy in yourself and your surroundings is important in creating your sense of ease and balance. No one can predict, for sure, what happens after death because consciousness transcends boundaries and limits we tend to impose on it. That said, if reincarnation exists or if there is a heaven or hell your consciousness of it will most likely be free of discomfort or pain as you experience it now. Meditating or doing self-hypnosis for anxiety can help alleviate your thoughts and sense of fear and living the a life of kindness and balance will assure that your future will be happy for you regardless of the unknown."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "You need to find an outlet. Someone to talk to. Your dad or someone who loves your mother as well is someone ideal. But anyone could help. Just look to someone for help. If you can't find anyone who you think will listen, talk to your mom. It can help greatly just to get the words out. Tell her how you feel about her passing, but then also about everything else. Talk to her about your day. Tell her about happy things. I don't know if you're a religious person, or where you believe she is now, but no matter what you can talk to her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "Many people generate intense anxiety with obsessive thinking. While the nature of your obsession about the afterlife and eternity appear very powerful and unique to you, the pattern of obsessing about one thing/area is common. I suggest that you consider counseling to help you with your anxiety. If you are so inclined, there are also medications which may bring relief. Obviously, I can't diagnose you from one paragraph, so it would be wise to visit an experienced mental health professional (either a counselor or an MD in your area) to help you with disengaging from your self-destructive thoughts. CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is a very effective counseling approach for obsessive thinking. If you'd like a see a top notch CBT therapist, visit www.AcademyofCT.org. And of course I suggest you pick up my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN, which includes CBT concepts and many more tools which will help with obsession and anxiety.As for believing yourself \"insane\" (or \"crazy\") this is not a mental health term but a legal one (or a slang). So as long as you don't commit a crime, no professional can legitimately call you insane or crazy!Take it slow! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get very nervous and anxious/scared before sex.", "answerText": "Tell your partner about this so that ideally the person has a chance to be supportive and reassuring, as well as listen to your specific worries and fears.Initiate this type of discussion at a time which is removed from the time youre about to have sex.This way you and your partner both have a chance to realize the two of you are having a discussion, not a prelude to sex.If you meant in your question that you feel anxious about having sex w a random partner, then maybe you are less interested in hookup sex than you imagined."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get very nervous and anxious/scared before sex.", "answerText": "I first wonder what your anxiety or fear connects to. I don't know whether it is about sex itself or about ideas of worthiness or feeling desirable.There is also a difference between having self-doubt about the actual physicality of having sex (performance-related) or having doubts about whether you want to have sex with a particular person.Having sex can lead to feelings of great vulnerability. If your partner is someone you trust, consider discussing what it is that comes up for you around the issue of sex. This is the certain things that your partner would be willing to do that and the ease your discomfort, like staying with you for some time before and after sexual interactions.Another idea to consider is spending time with your partner and using nonsexual touch for each other (perhaps first you to him and then him to you) and communicating very clearly about what you like and do not like. Some people like to be spoken to during physical touch and other people do not. All of this can be part of your discussions. When you feel comfortable with that, you could move into sexual touch in this manner and actually look at what you do and do not like. You may also consider discussing things that are totally off-limits for you all the time and things for which you would like warning or awareness before they happen. There are really a number of different ways to work on becoming more comfortable if you trust your partner and if your concern is about sex itself.If this feels pretty structured, it is initially. Generally, the idea is to learn more about each other and yourselves and then the process becomes much more natural.If the concern relates more to self-esteem related sex, consider asking your partner to list several things that he or she likes about you. Even if you don't necessarily see yourself in the same light, consider that this is how your partner sees you, so these are some of the things that make you attractive to them (perhaps both in sexual ways and in a wider discussion of the relationship).If this is difficult for you to sort out on your own, consider seeing a therapist with experience working with couples or relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "There's a quote I love that says, \"Wherever you go, there you are\" and the book by the same name by Jon Kabat-Zinn may be very helpful for you. The thing about changing things up when they get tough is that they often aren't the things that need changing. The awesome (and challenging) thing about it is that when you work on the internal aspects that may need attention, you can learn to find a sense of centeredness that comes with practicing mindfulness and asking yourself who you really are and want to be. Through this deeper work, you can actually be in the midst of chaos and still feel that calm and peace within yourself. If you look for support in this journey from a counselor or therapist, I'd recommend looking for someone offering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (MCBT). Also helpful may be the online program of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MSBR) found here.There are in-person programs across the country, but this online self-guided version is free and a great resource!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "Is there a certain problem you feel about living the way you describe?As long as you feel satisfied with how your life is unfolding then youre making wise decisions.If you feel tension or that somehow doing as you describe is wrong, then the first step is to identify the way you feel your methodology described above has a role in working against your best interest.Basically, define what is problematic in order to address it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "Many times when things become difficult to manage, is because we are getting out of our comfort zone, so we seek growth and change. Coping with the difficulties does make you more resilientand helps you to build the confidence you need to solve problems in the future.Now I wonder: are things getting tough in a way that you are not able to resolve them? Do you need to move or change to save yourself or prevent any harm? If so, it is OK to know when to remove ourselves form situations that harm us more than helping us. On the other hand, are the things getting tough because you need to learn a new skill? If so, how can you learn them and is there someone who can help you overcome this challenge? I help my clients to identify their strengths and areas where they can achieve growth, things like polishing up your resume and evaluate new job opportunities could help you discover a new you.If you would like to engage in counseling, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Cada vez que las cosas se ponen difciles, hago cambios en mi vida.He sido as desde que estaba en la escuela; antes me transfera de escuela. Ahora pienso cambiar de trabajo.Muchas veces cuando las situaciones se tornan en difciles de manejar, es porque nos sacan de nuestra zona de comodidad, con el propsito de buscar el cambio y el crecimiento. Manejar las dificultades si te vuelve ms resistente, y desarrolla tu autoestima para que puedas resolver problemas en el futuro. Ahora, te pregunto: se estn poniendo las cosas difciles al punto que no puedes manejarlas? Necesitas removerte de la situacin para evitar que te hagan dao? Si es as, entonces est bien reconocer cuando nos debemos remover de una situacin daina que nos daa ms de lo que nos permite crecer. O por el otro lado, Se estn poniendo las cosas difciles porque necesitas a prender una nueva destreza? Si es as, cmo puedes aprender esa destreza y quien te puede ayudar?Ayudo a mis clientes a identificar sus fortalezas y reas de crecimiento, el actualizar y pulir tu resume junto con explorar opciones de empleo, te puede llevar a descubrir nuevos talentos en ti.Si te gustara hacer una cita, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "Sometimes changes make sense. It may be helpful to talk to someone who you trust to get a sense of whether the changes that you are making are those that are considered adaptable or important changes that allow us all to grow. Another possibility is that you are changing things in an effort to get away from something that is uncomfortable or difficult. There are many other possibilities along this continuum.I would ask you to consider the following:What is leading you to want to change your job?What feelings are associated with this change? (Happy, sad, scared, anxious/nervous, confused, motivated, etc.)How is the job that you are looking to transfer to going to be better or different? Are the concerns that you have now going to travel with you?If you are hesitating to get another perspective (from trusted friends or family or some sort of career advisor in your area), where is the hesitation coming from?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "I recommend that you make a list of all the reasons you should change your life and all of the reasons you shouldn't change your life. Can the problem you are in be fixed? Is there others you can lean on for support? Are there other people you know who have been through a similar experience and are willing to share their story with you? It is important to rely on your support network to help you get multiple points of view. If you believe you need additional help, I suggest seeing a professional."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know this fear doesn't make sense. How can I overcome it?", "answerText": "No, it makes sense :)Consider today how social media has impacted the mind and heart of man;Is it not so extraordinarily easy to make one appear stellar on social media today? Heh heh, I've long since joked that the definition of a party is: \"A series of photos to lie with.\"When I peel back the awareness of others' \"judgment\", what I find is excitement of wanting to express themselves too...It's funny how America is one of the few lands on the planet where folks are able to mess up and try it again; on most other places, if you mess up, there is such deep shame in it, that it may lead to one taking one's life;"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know this fear doesn't make sense. How can I overcome it?", "answerText": "Stop caring about what you imagine people are thinking about you!Really this is the simple and complicated answer to feel better about your situation.Maybe someone is judging you, maybe someone isn't judging you.Until the person tells you directly what they don't like about you, there's nothing you can do.It is okay that the fear doesn't make sense, most fears don't make sense."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Something to remember about anxiety is that it's a useful and necessary response to stressors, and we all have a level of anxiety that falls somewhere on the spectrum from very slight to very overwhelming. Anxiety is our brain's way of prompting us to deal with the stress in our lives by getting us geared up for action.Some helpful ways of managing anxiety are actually very simple. The first I'd recommend is a calm breathing technique - breathe in for 4-5 seconds, and then out for 7-8 seconds. Try to repeat this for 3-5 minutes. Another suggestion is to pay closer attention in the moments you feel the physical symptoms of anxiety and see if you can describe - without judging - the sensations to yourself. Try to be very specific, such as \"my palms are feeling very sweaty, and I can feel the slight tightness and fluttering in my belly of the butterflies.\" Then try to sit with these sensations without deciding if they are good or bad - just experiencing them as intentionally as possible. Combining the calm breathing with this technique can also be very helpful.If you feel that these techniques don't help and your anxiety about everyday stressors are inhibiting you from being able to engage in life the way you want to, then I'd highly recommend going for an assessment or even just consultation with a professional. This professional can help you determine if therapy/counseling would be helpful for you to develop additional skills for managing those interfering anxiety symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Anxieties are an adrenal problem;Clean them out with a proper detox, using the food built for mankind, and a herbal protocol;Maybe throw in some fasting here and there to kick the kidneys into high gear and get the adrenals pumping...Every loss is a gain, so losing a car means you no longer hold responsibility to keep and maintain it...If you're really up for it, some contemplation (that is keep one thought *lightly* on your mind allllllll day; that is just focus upon it from time to time, \"Man, I notice that the sky is really blue today... and the air is really crisp today...\"); after 3-5 days of contemplation, see what you notice..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Anxiety is overwhelming insecurity.Try to think of why you'd feel insecure or have very little confidence in your ability to complete or be in relationships.Is it possible you were very heavily criticized when you were young and growing up?Very often kids who are not encouraged to try new activities, have fun in relating to others, learn to not trust themselves to handle these fundamental parts of life.Also, if you grew up in an alcoholic or abusive family, whether the the abuse was toward you or between your parents, it is possible these scenes made you a very insecure foundation on which to trust your yourself and other people.Examine the basics of your growing up years and what may explain why you feel insecure.To improve, be patient with yourself about. making mistakes and simply try in simple, small, and direct ways to do the actions you fear and in which you also would like to participate."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Which one gives you the most anxiety? List from top to bottom which one gives you the greatest anxiety and ask the question how come? From there, we can figure out the underlying factors of your anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Since it is clear that people react differently to the samestressors, we know that the stressors are not causing the anxiety, our thoughts about the stressors are. Often, cognitive distortions are the problem. Some common cognitive distortions include catastrophizing (predicting the worst), future telling, black and white thinking (if it's not perfect, it's terrible), mind-reading (I just know he is angry at me) and can't-standitis (I can't stand this situation). There are more, but the list is long, and if some of these are resonating with you, I would advise looking up CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tips, worksheets, booklets etc. on line, or contact a local CBT therapist. Another helpful piece of info on anxiety, is that it is prone to something called \"symptom stress\" - being anxious about anxiety. If we could hear this symptom stress it might sound like, \"Oh no I'm getting nervous about this, I'm getting uptight, I look nervous, what if I have a panic attack!\" followed bymore cognitive distortions such as \"I can't stand being anxious!\" and \"this is horrible!\"Theantidote to this is acceptance. Kind of like not stopping the waves but learning to surf instead (Jon Kabat-Zinn). If you happen to feel anxious, say to yourself - this is just a reaction I'm having that is unpleasant, but not horrible. I can tolerate and survive some anxiety, I can breathe deeply,and I'll be OK because panic attacks never killed anyone. I can stand this and it is temporary. You get the idea.We can increase our awareness of anxiety-provoking self-talk, and counteract it with calming and reassuring self-talk. We have the ability to think about our thinking, decide which thoughts are healthy and which are unhealthy, and choose which to focus on. We brainwash ourselves with our thinking, and according to self-perception theory, \" we learn what webelieve when we hear ourselves speak,\" so we may as well be a calming, reassuring presence in our own minds. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are on the right track. Recognizing these nagging thoughts of self- doubt as \"imposter syndrome\" is a huge step in the right direction. From what you have written here, it appears that you are able to challenge your own thoughts and provide yourself with evidence that counteracts the imposter syndrome. Continuing to remind yourself of what you have accomplished and looking at the facts at hand can help diminish doubt. Remember, many successful people battled imposter syndrome on the way to the top (and still manage it). It might be helpful to read some of their stories so that you don't feel alone. \"The Cut\" has a great article on \"25 Famous Women on Imposter-Syndrome and Self-Doubt\". Business Insider has a great article about men and the imposter syndrome too. Remember, if you jumped through all of the hoops to get into school and get published-- you belong."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "First step is to remove the label of your behavior as a syndrome and instead understand the reasons for it.\"Imposter syndrome\" sounds like a name someone made up to write a book and have lots of people buy it bc it gives the feeling they know themselves by calling themselves this name.Instead, consider your own unique qualities including your fears of being recognized as adding value to people's lives.If you were told growing up that you're worthless, or if your chosen career goes against family advice and expectations, or if you simply are a shy person, then these would be the starting points to understand your reluctance to believe in yourself.The more you understand yourself and trust the truths you find as to who you are, the less you will feel fraudulent.Good luck in your career work!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "It would be very helpful to identify with you eventual pattern where theimposter syndrome is more or less present. Are there specific situations where you've noticed the feelings of \"I'm going to be found out as a fraud\" becoming more strong? It seems that shaking this feeling is very important to you. In my opinion, before shaking that feeling, we need to get closer to it and understand its roots. If you would like to get closer to the feeling, you might consider asking yourself questions such: \"What is the trigger for this feeling? How does it feel in the body? What is the thought process I engage with after noticing this feeling? All the best. Rossana Mag."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "\"Imposter Syndrome\" is a basic effect is a dishonest cause.Basically, there is a fundamental lack of honesty in some important parts of your life (my guess would be relationships) that has led to this sense of dread and guilt.I wonder where the dishonesty be..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You've probably read articles already about impostor syndrome, but still didn't get the answers you were looking for; you probably know that lots of people feel this way, that it happens to lots of successful people in professional settings. Not helping, right?Think about people who succeed at big tasks: an Olympic athlete has a defined goal that they need to meet: cross the finish line, say, faster than anyone else. That success is remarked upon, and - until someone does the event better than they did - they are 'the best.' Grad school, however, is not so great at discrete goals and celebrations of success. You got a good grade on an assignment, but what about the next one? You and 6 other people in your class probably got the same grade, so does that make you a success or average?It falls to you, then, to identify ways you are sure you've succeeded. If your grades and peer admiration aren't hallmarks of success enough, perhaps pull your measuring tool inward: measure your achievements against your own progress- ie: I got a 93 on my last assignment, I got a 97 this time! You might find those feelings fading soon~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Hello. First, I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. They can be intense, I will do my best to offer some suggestions or thoughts that I hope will be helpful to you. There could be a number of things occurring. Therapy is a delicate, private decision and I would first like to commend you for the fact that you are not giving up, that you are working to figure this out, and make this work, it sounds like you are engaged and motivated to receive support from a professional,your continued dedication and motivation will take you far. I would first start by asking if you have discussed this with your therapist, if you feel comfortable enough telling your therapist what is going on, maybe inform the therapist that that you feel nervous and shaky. I am a firm believer in open communication between the client and therapist as this builds a healthy therapeutic relationship that yields positive outcomes, if this can be obtained and well received. This isYOUR time for healing and therapy should be a safe, supportive environment to not only process but to seek support and guidance from a professional who can help you move past the barriers. If you feel you are comfortable and able to speak to your therapist, that would be my first suggestion, is to tell he or she how you are feeling. If they know then they can help determine the potential cause and allow you to process and move forward. If this is left un resolved it will be hard for you to move forward. If you are not comfortable discussing this with your therapist, this may be something to take into consideration and worthy of thinking about: why you are not comfortable speaking to the therapist. I understand this is difficult. If I may offer one more suggestion, breathing exercises are very beneficial. Remind yourself what you are working to achieve, close your eyes in a safe moment and breathe in and out slowly, in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth with pursed lips. Breathe in for approximately 5-10 seconds, then let it out slowly. Be sure and do this when you are in private, and feel safe environment. When you begin, I suggest putting your hand on your stomach, over your belly button to feel yourself actually taking in those deep breaths. I know it may sound kind of silly but they really work and areincredibly helpful. We often forget to breathe, especially when we are feeling anxious. You are supported here and try taking yourself through the above thought process and breathing and practice the breathing several times a day. I hope this shaky and uneasy feeling eases. Wishing you the very best!Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It can be uncomfortable talking to someone about your life in the great detail that is normally necessary for counseling to be beneficial. Since you're already going to counseling, congratulations on taking that big, first, stress-inducing step. Hopefully by now you are starting to feel a little more comfortable with your therapist. It can be helpful to address this big \"elephant in the room\" and talk to your therapist about this. I do my best to help people feel comfortable when they come to counseling, but regardless of how hard we try, sometimes it is just a little hard to get accustomed to. The good news is, the more you keep at it, the more \"normal\" it will become."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "If you have only been to a couple of sessions, it makes sense that you might still feel apprehensive at first. Therapy is hard work! You may be talking about some things that you never talked to anyone about before. Opening up to stranger can be scary. After you feel comfortable with your counselor, and trust has built up and you feel understood in session, you should feel more relaxed. I would encourage you to talk to your counselor about feeling a little shaky. Sharing what the process is like for you is important in your work. If you still feel unsure about sharing after several sessions, it is important to take a look at that and try to understand where that may be coming from. For example, are you and the therapist not a good fit? But, again if you are just starting out in working together, feeling a little bit nervous makes perfect sense, and I encourage you to give it a bit more time and to talk to your therapist about how you are feeling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Hi there,Thank you for your question. It's absolutely ok to feel nervous going to therapy. I have experienced anxiety going to see my own therapist. There can be a few reasons why you might feel this way.First, it is always unnerving to see a person who is a stranger and to share intimate things with that stranger. You mentioned it has only been a couple of sessions. Your anxiety might subside as you continue to see your therapist and grow more comfortable with him/her.Another reason why you might feel particularly nervous is perhaps you are not comfortable sharing things. As children, we might have bad experiences opening up to others. Someone might bully or ridicule us, and that experience can stay with us for a long time, making it extra scary to share our intimate feelings and thoughts with others. If this the case, as you continue with your sessions and have positive interactions with your therapists, this anxiety will subside with time and you will re-learn that it is safe to share.And the last thought why you might feel the shakes is perhaps you know that you need to talk about some past experiences or memories that are uncomfortable and difficult.Regardless of the reason, it might help you to bring up your nervousness in your session and share how you feel with your therapist. Having an open dialogue about your anxiety with your therapist can help you resolve some of that anxiety and built greater trust with your therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Thank you for your question. It's completely normal and natural to feel nervous before a therapy session. Many people report having felt this way.I can't say enough regarding the amount of courage it takes to reach out and attend a therapy session. For many people, it can take weeks, months, or even years of contemplating whether to see a therapist or not before actually contacting one and attending the first session. It takes courage to want to work through any struggles you may be having or personal growth you aspire toward.In your question, you mentioned that you've \"gone several times and are still feeling nervous and shaky.\" If you feel comfortable with your therapist and it's a good fit for you, I would suggest talking about this with your therapist. You don't have to struggle each time you have your appointment. Together, you and your therapist can work toward helping you have a different experience."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Sure, why not!It's nerve-wracking to go to a man or woman you've never met before and who is a total stranger, that you are paying to take an interest in your life. You're likely feeling an internal truth about the sessions, the man or woman with you, and the man or woman sitting across from you. I'd listen to those feelings.Wouldn't it not be best to go to those around you that do provide comfort and aid, first? Wouldn't it be better to attend to those of faith around you who have love to offer, first? Wouldn't it be better to go to your family and loved ones, first? :)Might try that; see if your nervousness evaporates..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "What you are experiencing is extremely normal. Opening up to someone you don't know from a can of paint can elicit some uncomfortable feelings and make you feel shaky. With time and building trust with your therapist, you will eventually start feeling less apprehensive before sessions. Consider bringing this up to your therapist as you both can process this experience together and figure out ways of coping with this anxiety before you come into the therapy room."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Its very normal to be nervous going into therapy. You are being vulnerable and honest, which is always scary, no matter how many times you do it. The best part about therapy is that the more you go, the more confident you are in your ability to work through those difficult feelings, and while you still may sometimes get nervous, you will have confidence too!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It depends on your definition of \"normal\"!:) I would say that the average client I see feels some level of nervous energy when they come into their sessions, and especially at the beginning. I think that with clients who I work with that have difficult times in relationships, maybe being able to trust people is tougher for them given their life experiences, the expectation would be that they have a harder time moving through those nerves and feeling more at peace in sessions.In my opinion, a competent therapist could help you explore where these nerves are actually coming from (talking about yourself, relating to another, something else?) I encourage all of my clients to bring up whatever emotions are coming up for them in the moment, as it's helpful to the client to recognize the \"present moment\" emotion and then being able to process, learn from, and move through to a more peaceful place, if that is what is being sought."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Therapy can feel very weird to begin with - think about it, how often do we go and tell a relative stranger our deepest, darkest thoughts in the rest of our life? So I think its reasonable to expect a certain level of nerves as you get used to your therapist and to the whole process of talking about yourself and vulnerable topics. That said, its definitely worth bringing to the attention of your therapist (if you haven't already) to see if there is anything that they can do, or that the two of you can explore together, that might make the process feel less intimidating to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It takes a lot of courage to go to therapy. I have gone myself as a Counselor and know what that feeling is like. This is normal but hopefully you have become more comfortable with your therapist. This might be something to bring up to your Therapist and openly discuss (scary to do but its ok) this may even relieve some of your anxiety. If it continues, you may want to consider trying another therapist as this one may not be the best fit for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Therapy does not work overnight, oftentimes it is a lifelong struggle, the therapists job is not to \"cure\" you or to remove something but rather to make you strong enough to live your life with your own peculiarities and struggles, remember we are human and constantly fallible. Another important thing to note is that although you go to therapy, that is just a room, most of the magic and work takes place in your real life outside of that room."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Yes, feeling nervous for the first few or several sessions of therapy, is completely normal.Therapy is an unusual way to have a conversation with someone. The person is an expert in recognizing and understanding dynamics of human interactions. For some people the fear is that the therapist knows more about you than you do yourself.In general terms hopefully your therapist has worked with many other people who've faced problems similar to yours.In this sense the therapist has a general idea of the basic dynamics you most likely are handling.No therapist could possibly know your particular details and your particular areas of upset or in what ways you feel unsure of yourself.Once you start to trust both your own right to tell your particular story and start to also feel that your therapist is listening attentively and cares what you tell the person, your nervousness will start to disappear all on its own.Good luck in getting the most from your therapy sessions!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is absolutely normal to be nervous about therapy. Many people take years to make the decision to start counseling and although it is a safe place to explore feelings, it may be the first time you are facing certain issues. It takes courage to face issues head on. Being nervous is part of the process. The fact that you are continuing to go to therapy sessions despite feeling nervous demonstrates your strength. Keep it up!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Yes, it is completely normal to feel anxious about therapy. Therapy often explores topics and feelings that are uncomfortable. The ultimate goal of therapy is to feel better but the process itself can be uncomfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "For some people it's absolutely normal to feel nervous about coming to therapy. It's sometimes hard to share our emotions and feelings with someone --- no matter how warm and caring the therapist is. Are you comfortable with your therapist? Is it a good relational fit? Maybe this is a good thing to discuss with your specific therapist at the beginning of your next session --- maybe they can help you find some strategies or tools to make it easier?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Well, it's generally okay to feel anxious or nervous about going into therapy, particularly in the beginning because the process of being open about what you are going through, much less to someone who you don't know well, can be anxiety-producing. It's also common to feel anxious when you are discussing something that is important, difficult to discuss, or you are making changes that are very difficult for you.The most important thing I can tell you, though, is to discuss with your therapist this idea that you feel nervous and shaky. Some anxiety can actually help to motivate or lead you toward change. There are also level of anxiety that can be counterproductive, so it's a good thing to discuss. Personally, I can tell you that I would want my clients to tell me about anxiety they feel 100% of the time. That opens the dialog to discuss whether it is the level of anxiety that they want to sit with and learn about in discovering more about themselves and their experiences and/or whether they would like to do something to lessen the feeling of anxiety.Thanks for writing here. If it caused anxiety for you to do so, I hope that feeling is diminishing for you, at least related to writing here."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Certainly."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "of I would love to know a little bit more about what's going on in your life but I will attempt an answer.Yes, you could still be shaky and nervous going to therapy. This therapy thing your doing is sometimes scary.First, because your opening up things that you might have never wanted to.Second, your still building a relationship with this therapist person. You may never get over that. The therapist really can't be your \"friend\". They are there to push the buttons that you might not want pushed and help you heal. That in itself is scary and can make you anxious.Third, you really never know where this therapy thing will go. Yes, there are goals. But sometimes side roads need to be taken and sometimes that is scary.Know this you are in the right place. You are taking steps to change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is absolutely a typical response. Many of my clients are nervous the first couple of times we meet. This isessentially a strangerwith whomyou are sharingyourfeelings."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It's normal to feel a little anxiety--after all it's an important encounter for you. My suggestion is to discuss this with your therapist, let him/her know how you're feeling, especially if you feel as though your level of anxiety is impacting the quality and benefit of your sessions. You might try some relaxation techniques prior to starting the session, deep breathing, progressive relaxation, core muscle dis-engagement--If you're not familiar with these techniques ask your therapist or write back."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Hello there. You ask about being nervous and shaky walking in to your therapy session and want to know if its normal? ... I realize there a few ways to look at this. I presume you weren'tanticipating feeling this way; and probably hoped to feel the opposite.. Well, my initial response is yes, sure, it can be within reason to feel this way. Have you been in therapy before? Is this somewhat new? That could be part of the reason. But either way; new or not, I think when are entering into a meeting that holds potential evaluation of deep things about you and your heart and soul, it can cause anyone to tremble. The soul can be anticipating some things could be shaken up here, and it can feel scary to look at these things and then change. Looking deep at our life can feel daunting and scary; so your response just might be regards to potential growth trying to happen. OR, is there something about the therapist you don't feel confident about? This too might be in play as a reason for your feelings... Maybe you lack confidence in that therapist ? Have you let your therapist know how you feel? That would be good to explore...I would like to encourage you to look at these ideas. Hope it helps. Let me knowKindly,keithkeithcounseling.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "\"Normal\" can be an insidious word to use because it can undermine your sense of worth. It implies there's one particular way you should be behaving and can leave you feeling crappy and \"abnormal\" if you're not behaving according to that prescribed standard. Instead, what I'd recommend is to pay attention to your emotional experiences when you're attending therapy. Explore your feelings and thoughts without judgement and try to reflect and understand what's going on that's causing you anxiety. Once you figure out the underlying meaning of the anxiety, you can figure out a way to handle it and action steps to take to diminish it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Everyone has different experiences going to therapy. Being nervous can be a typical emotion one might feel. Emotions are our body's way of telling us important information about ourselves. I would suggest talking openly in your sessions about this. That way you can process your thoughts and feelings with the guidance of your counselor. There are probably underlining emotions (fears or insecurities) that are being stirred up during your therapy sessions. Your counselor might suggest individual counseling depending on what you learn about your anxiety. In individual therapy you would have time to deal with your own stressors. As you address your issues, then you will have tools and skills that will be useful in addressing the couple relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "I would be more concerned with how is this being addressed in therapy. Therapy can be a rewarding process, however often times we do not pay much attention to the messages being sent to our bodies. I believe in somatic therapy which deals with our mind & body connection. I would think it may not be a question of normal or abnormal however if it is impacting you then you must pay attention to that. It would be helpful to explore the feelings you're having with your therapist. It may be something that needs addressing to help alleviate those feelings or have a better understanding of why they are showing up when it is time for therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is totally normal - you have a lot riding on this and you're invested! Think about why you feel so shaky - is it something about the therapist or their style? If so, it would be a good idea to talk with them about it so you feel more at ease. In any case bringing up your feelings about therapy intherapy is totally appropriate and even necessary. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "Sounds like a lot is going on right now at such a young age. I'd start with discussing with mom your concerns and ideal situation. I'm unsure what prevents you from staying there, but whoever you are staying with, it should be brought to their attention. In regards to your anxiety attacks, deep breathing is always a benefits. I have a link you can use to help to do this online if you are interested. In addition, finding ways you usually cope with anxiety and what's worked before can help and if it isn't, exploring new way to calm you down can be beneficial. This is something you can speak with your therapist about going forward when they are available.In regards to feeling suicidal: I would call suicide prevention hotline (You can google them) if you truly feel the ideation is getting worse. They are professional agents who can speak with you about your ideation and help you through the process. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "At age 17, I think you are old enough to decide which parent you want to stay with full-time. I would gently and lovingly tell your father that you've decided to stay with your mother. You can offer to visit him regularly, if you'd like. Parents often have a hard time letting go and, especially in divorce situations, your dad might feel as though he's \"lost the battle\" if you go live with your mom. He might also feel he's lost you. If your dad is unrelenting and the situation unbearable, you can ask a judge to modify the custody agreement."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "OK first things first. We have to think of your safety and take care of those thoughts of hurting yourself.Yes, this is a major problem for you and can cause anxiety and depression. You have the right to be sick and tired. Kids often are pawns in this marital problems that their parents have. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.I am not sure of your rights in the state you live in but as far as I know you as a 17 year old you have the right to stay where you want.So your'e going through an anxiety episode and your therapist is not available. If I'm the therapist we would have already set up a plan so that if you are in this situation you would know what to do. In the worst case scenario you would be able to contact me.But I would have given you several exercises to help reduce your anxiety.Staying with your mom should be your choice. I know you probably don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but there are ways to ease the tension. Maybe with your permission and their agreement, we all could meet together for a session or two to ease your tensions and get over and through this hassle."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "Have you told either of your parents that the current house rotation of where you stay, bothers you?Since each parent has an interest to be together with you, I imagine that to some degree, each cares how you feel.If these conversations are not getting your problem solved, then maybe your therapist can have a family session with your parents together and depending on the outcome, with you and each parent."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Divorce can be so disruptive in a child's life.I'd really need a lot more information about your situation before I'd feel comfortable offering any advice or suggestions. There are so many variables, and not knowing the whole story, any advice could possibly make your situation worse.I do see some positives, though.One, you say you have a therapist. That's great! I hope you're able to talk to them about this soon. Still, they can't give you legal advice, and a lot of this situation may be dictated by the law. What your therapist can help with, though, is dealing with whatever situation you have to follow by law. If you can't change the situation, you at least need to learn how to cope with it better.Two, you're 17. When you're 18, you're legally an adult and will not be bound by any custody rules or visitation plans in place.Honestly, teenagers usually have a lot of say with the courts in custody arrangements. Since you didn't specify more on the situation, I have no idea what your specific situation is. Were your parents ever married? Are they separated or divorced? Was there ever a court hearing for custody? Not all couples have an official court order arrangement. All families are different, too. Was there abuse between your parents? Towards you by one of them? Does either of them have addiction issues, major health or mental health issues, or anything like that? You mentioned that you want to live with your mom, but didn't say why. Are you afraid to tell your dad you want to stay with your mom? Is mom the lenient and fun parent while dad is the more strict one, or is there something else going on? This isn't a decision that should be placed entirely on you, and it also isn't a decision that anyone else needs to make on your behalf without your input. But advice on what to do needs to come from the people who know more about your situation so they can help recommend the best thing for you.Whatever you do, hang in there! 18 will be here before you know it. Focus on that. Freedom. College. Plan for your future that YOU control, and focus on making it the best it can be. Do not let the anxiety and depression cloud your thoughts and make you do something irreversible."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm around people, I sometimes think someone has made a comment to me or asked me to do something. I will be focusing on something else and then randomly think I hear something about me. I never know if it was actually said.", "answerText": "Anxiety can absolutely make you think you heard something about you. When we are on high alert, we tend to look for threats and often the greatest threats we experience on a daily basis are social in nature. To some extent this is normal, for example, when people experience late onset deafness, they often will worry people are talking about them (and usually not good things) because our brains tend to jump to that. Of course, I'm not saying you are going deaf or anything, just giving an example. Counseling can help you work through this anxiety. It may also be helpful to reach out to a counselor to rule out if there may be other things going on. Sometimes things like paranoia can blend in with anxiety, which is a very distressing experience. But both are absolutely treatable. Wishing you the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm around people, I sometimes think someone has made a comment to me or asked me to do something. I will be focusing on something else and then randomly think I hear something about me. I never know if it was actually said.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are having difficulty knowing if people are saying things to you, or if you only thought someone was talking to you, and this is anxiety producing. It's understandable that it could be confusing and/or a bit scary to be unsure if people are speaking to you or not. It's hard to say exactly what is going on from just this description, but if you can work with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what is happening, get clarity about your social interactions, and develop some ways to deal with the anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have these dreams of men, and they always seem to try to hurt me. It's gotten so bad that I first wake at 4:30, then 4:45, and finally stay awake by 6:00. I'm always the last one to fall asleep and the first to wake. I hate falling asleep. The longest I've went without sleep is three days.", "answerText": "That is awful! I am sure you are ready to start getting some rest. It's normal for us to wake a few times in the night, however, when we are dealing with high anxiety or stress, those times can turn into being up most night. Given that you are having these repeated dreams, I am wondering what might be going on in your life either now or in the past that could be triggering stress or maybe memories. It can help to draw the dream out in the morning or even to look for metaphor. In the long run, seeking counseling can help you sort all that outIn the meantime, self-soothing strategies may help you in the night when you wake and can't get back to sleep. This can be anything with your senses----getting a snack like tea and focusing on that taste, smelling something pleasant, listening to some relaxing music, looking through a magazine, taking a shower. Anything you can think of that might help you relax. If it involves needing to get up, that's okay! Getting out of bed can actually help you get out of that mind space and helps you associate your bed with relaxation/sleep vs anxiety making it more likely you will fall asleep once you lay down."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have these dreams of men, and they always seem to try to hurt me. It's gotten so bad that I first wake at 4:30, then 4:45, and finally stay awake by 6:00. I'm always the last one to fall asleep and the first to wake. I hate falling asleep. The longest I've went without sleep is three days.", "answerText": "The good news about your dreams is that your fears are right at the surface of your mind so you can study them and release some of the harm from the terrifying experiences you had which created these bad memories in the first place.The bad news is the feelings themselves are sickening.Probably a therapist would be very helpful for guiding you to unfold these uneasy feelings and their source.This type of deep work is easier with emotional support from someone. A therapist can give you this plus is knowledgeable about dynamics of someone having been emotionally harmed by another.Or, read a lot online and find out which articles resonate with your emotions.Luckily people are willing to express personal stories of recuperating a sense of peace and safety after being violated by someone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?", "answerText": "Relationships at any amount of distance can be so hard! It makes sense that you are encountering more anxiety than usual given that major change in your relationship. And you're right that being separated from our partners can heighten our insecurities and worries about not only our relationship security but about our partner's interest. Have you talked with your boyfriend about this struggle you're feeling? It can be hard to have this kind of conversation without triggering a sense of blame and subsequent defensiveness in our partners, but it really is possible. If you have any concerns about being able to do this, then a session or two with a local counselor or therapist might be really helpful - and it really can be just about finding the way to share what you're feeling.As far as coping with anxiety, there are a lot of options but I highly recommend an app called Self-Help for Anxiety Management. There's so much good information in this app to help you learn to pay attention to what kinds of thoughts are helpful or unhelpful, and there are also lots of activities for calming down and decreasing the intensity of that anxiety. The best part is, it's free!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?", "answerText": "In a way, yes, you have separation anxiety. It's normal in a relationship for us to slow down a bit with the attachment behaviours that establish and deepen love and connection. So, just because your boyfriend isn't talking as much or keeping you up-to-date doesn't necessarily mean what you fear it means...that he's forgotten about you or loves you less. It could mean quite the opposite...that he's focused on being successful in his new job and impressing you. He may think he's loving you more, but you feel loved less. You have two jobs to do here. The first is to manage your anxiety by \"talking back\" to the thoughts it puts into your head. It sounds like \"It's normal to be insecure, but I have tons of evidence that he loves me and that I mean the world to him...\" Find that evidence that helps you refute what anxiety is trying to claim. The second part of your job is to let him know what you need. You need more affection and connection during this period when he's away (more texts, phone calls, information). It's okay to want that, and I am sure he will be relieved to know exactly what he can do to help you feel secure and calm when he's away."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?", "answerText": "First step is to tell your boyfriend the reasons you feel upset.This way he has a chance to answer your questions as to why he doesn't keep in touch.His responses will guide your next steps.There is a difference between his unavailability due to a heavy workload or because he has less interest in the relationship.In order to work with his current behavior you first need to find out why it is happening."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?", "answerText": "Consider talking with your boyfriend about times that you may be able to talk together while he is away. This way, you have an idea when you'll be able to contact him. Does he recognize the feelings that you have while he is away? How do you feel when you are together with him and he is home?I'm also curious as to how the level of your anxiety (on a scale of 1 to 10, perhaps) changes during the parts of his trips. Maybe there are certain parts that are more or less related to anxiety for you. Perhaps you have less anxiety while working or involved in a specific activity, for example, spending time with friends.When you are both in the same area (when your boyfriend is not traveling), do you do some things independently with friends?Do you know what leads to your anxiety when he is away? I don't know whether it is a general feeling of wanting him to come back or anxiety that something specific will happen to you or him.Do you ever recall feeling this way in your past? If so, what was happening then?What do you have that makes you feel very safe and comfortable?Consider working with a mental health professional in the area. Perhaps it would be helpful for the two of you to meet with a therapist who specializes in couples to see what kind of relationship you want to have and what you can each do to contribute to that relationship. There could be things that you could both start or stop doing to help your relationship move in the direction where you would like it to go. As an example, perhaps you would like a text before your boyfriend goes to bed, no matter what time zone or time of day it is. Perhaps he would prefer a good morning text or call/voicemail from you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I panicked over a minor parking lot mistake. It was totally my fault, but due to another insurance issue, I left a note with an illegible phone number. Guilty over this, I got an envelope containing several hundred dollars. Unfortunately, by the time I returned, the other driver had seen my ersatz note and drove away. Since I cannot make this up to that individual, how do I atone for my cowardly act? I have been trying to do random acts of kindness in hopes that karma will somehow even out.", "answerText": "From your writing, you have already atoned for what you describe as \"cowardly\".Recognizing your action and trying to directly correct it, realizing your action was improper and demonstrating the willingness to take right action, are all examples of making things right.Since the actual driver is unavailable to consult as to their wishes on what they expect and feel would correct the matter, you did the next best thing and considered the situation from the driver point of view."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I panicked over a minor parking lot mistake. It was totally my fault, but due to another insurance issue, I left a note with an illegible phone number. Guilty over this, I got an envelope containing several hundred dollars. Unfortunately, by the time I returned, the other driver had seen my ersatz note and drove away. Since I cannot make this up to that individual, how do I atone for my cowardly act? I have been trying to do random acts of kindness in hopes that karma will somehow even out.", "answerText": "Thanks for sharing as it shows your humanity and that you have a sensitive conscience. In your example here I'd encourage you to always think, \"safety first\"; and never offer a stranger at the accident scene \"...several hundred dollars\". Why? Because it could go badly against you (i.e. extortion, robbed, or would this be considered a bribe). To the point, I'm reminded of Steps Eight and Nine in many 12-step programs regarding making amends. In your specific example since the injured unidentified party departed, and by your own admission you've been doing random acts of kindness, it seems to me you've acted in reasonable good faith fashion to make amends. Well done. I'm not a karma expert but as a therapist I would invite you to explore the deeper story behind your use of the words \"cowardly\", \"guilty\", and what it does for you to engage in \"random acts of kindness\". What a fascinating journey this could be for you. Best wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been having horrible anxiety for the last week. I can't sleep. I get a sense of doom, and it's hard to breathe. I feel like nothing I do makes it better.", "answerText": "Anxiety is usually a sign of a current problem to which familiar emotional patterns of feeling similarly upset, attach themselves.Try to understand more about who you are, what you like, feel uneasy about, especially your deeper emotions of being emotionally harmed or injured by meaningful people.Anxiety is best addressed indirectly by understanding and kindly accepting previous hurt and fears from long ago.Once you feel at ease with dynamics of past situations then the current anxiety will decrease. This is because you will have adjusted and found new ways of handling otherwise frightening and overwhelming interactions and involvements with others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I get talked to by my dad or stepmom, or if I'm in trouble, I will begin to cry and not say what's wrong with me. When my dad or stepmom ask what is wrong, I never know the answers or the words to put together what is actually wrong with me.", "answerText": "Maybe you need more time to reflect and organize your thoughts.Try to figure out what would make you feel more relaxed about talking to your dad or stepmom.Also its possible you simply don't feel safe around either of them and so intuitively realize you're better off not talking with them about a delicate matter.Depending on whether you trust talking to dad and stepmom, you may simply wish to excuse yourself from speaking about yourself.There's no good reason to be heartfelt with people whom you don't feel are willing to accept or understand who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Anxiety can cause such a feeling of discomfort in our bodies that it can seem unbearable. The concern that I can hear in what you have written is that the thought of having some anxiety has now left you uncomfortable with any anxiety at all - and that can become a problem, indeed.As opposed to thinking about your anxiety as something much bigger than you, it could be helpful to start breaking it down. What are the things specifically that cause you anxiety about this new job? Is it being away from your family? If so, why?Once you start breaking down what causes you to feel anxiety into smaller \"mouthfuls\", then we are far better able to understand what has led to discomfort and start to problem solve the issue."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Its understandable to have anxiety when transitioning to a new job/career or any other major life change. Doing some mindfulness activities such as deep breathing exercises, grounding, or mindfulness meditation can help center and calm yourself in moments of anxiety when being away from your family.It may also be helpful to make a list of your concerns or fears about being away from your family. What are you afraid will happen while you are away? Once you've identified those fears you can challenge them and determine whether they are based on fact or your emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Hi,It is really good that you are working so hard to take care of your family. Anxiety can be so challenging, especially when new challenges have come up. It would be good to work through some of these issues you are experiencing, and examine your self care and support processes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Congratulations on your new job. Chances are, you accepted this opportunity knowing that sometimes, you feel heightened levels of anxiety while traveling (or at least, people are telling you this is true) Rather than working towards how to stop it from happening, it might make more sense to prepare for if it does: often, when we know how we might deal with a situation, the situation doesn't manifest.On a more broad scope, though, tools to minimize anxious feelings abound: there are apps (headspace or happify for example) therapy helps, and tools like yoga and meditation can help reduce anxious feelings too.Safe travels~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Anxiety or panic attacks can be very frightening. Here are a few \"tools\" you can use that will help in the short term: Keeping your mind occupied by listening to books on tape may help; Counting backwards from 100 in 7's; Naming cities that begin with each letter of the alphabet; Keeping some ice or an ice pack in a cooler beside you, which you may take out and hold in your hand or to your face; Soothing self-talk such as \"This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it\" or \"I've been through this before and can make it through again\". I recommend that you seek out a Therapist to help you with some long-term solutions to the anxiety. Additionally, learning to breathe into the abdomen and practicing this daily is another long-term solution. Yoga and meditation would be great!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Bravo, on your success in securing a job and also for being proactive with your need. Starting a new job can be scary and having to travel away from your home and family can make it even more anxiety provoking.Do allow yourself to be anxious about this new journey, we can be hard on ourselves, think if it was a friend that was turning to you for help, what solutions would you have offered them, but also continue to seek to secure right support as well. Talking to your physician is always a good place to start; your physician can tell you if there are organic influences causing your anxiety that may be out of your control. Additionally, talking to close or compassionate family and friends is always good. It is important that you turn to supportive people at the time of emotional need, talking about our challenges can help break the cycle of anxiety at least momentarily.Remember, to further your success, it requires a healthy self, if you have supportive relationships relying on and turning to people who can be there without judgment is great. Healthy lifestylelike eating right, sleeping enough, and regular exercise also never fails to help improve overall emotional health.Additional self-caremeasures such as repeated relaxation practices can help you become more familiar with your nervous systems reactivity and you can implement strategies to ease anxiety in various situations as it demands. The more resources the better you will be equipped to manage challenges and concerns at the time notice. You can find a lot from the internet too, use yourbest judgment as what may not be appropriate for you there are some wonderful apps on most smartphones that can help you learn and practice grounding strategies to ease anxiety.If you have access to a therapy you find more specific strategies that would best fit your needs. Good luck, wish you a happy journey and much success."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "First of all, congratulations on your new role! Transitions can be challenging, and it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of change. This would be difficult for many people, and it seems that you have an added layer of challenge. I recommendvisiting a therapist to determine the root cause of your anxiety and working to unravel those causes piece by piece. I know seeing a therapist can be challenging when traveling, and online counseling could be a good solution. In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite anxiety stopping strategies. 1. Grounding Exercises: When you feel your anxiety increasing, take a deep breath and begin things in your room (or where ever you are) that have things in common. For example, name all of the blue things that you can see. You can also do non-visual groundingexercises likenaming all of the htesports teams you can think of or all of the state capitals. This will get your mind off of your anxiety and connect you to space. 2. The pretzel: This is a seated pose that will stop any anxiety attack in its tracks. Start in a seated position and cross your dominate leg over your nondominant leg. Then, stretch your arms out in front of you with the back of your hands facing one another. Cross your arms in front of each other so that your palms are touching. Flip your arms into your body. You will end with your elbows by your side and your hands crossed under your chin. Close your eyes and take long breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. This calming pose will help you get through even the toughest of panic episodes. 3. Bilateral stimulation and visualization: Start in a seated position with your hands placed on your knees. Tap each knee in an alternating pattern. Close your eyes and begin visualizing a peaceful setting. The combination of bilateral stimulation and visualization will help calm your body and mind. I could go on and on, but these techniques should get you started. These techniques should help you manage anxiety in a pinch. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "It is ok to have anxiety. Please don't be anxious about being anxious.If you feel anxiety coming over you, then pull off the road to a safe place. Concentrate on centering yourself and to breath slowly. Take some sips of water. Sit still. The anxiety should pass in about twenty minutes.If it does not pass, then continue calming yourself until you feel safe enough to drive to your hotel. You can always explain to your supervisor that you were taking care of a medical problem, because anxiety is a medical problem."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "There are lots of things you can do, but first: Congratulations on your new job! Commuting long distances can be stressful, but there are some things you can do.First, make sure that your seating arrangement in your car is comfortable. If you are driving long distances on a regular basis, you want to make sure that your body is in a comfortable position. Second, select some music or podcasts that work for you, rather than against you. Soothing music is good, as well as inspirational podcasts. Alternatively, listening to books can be a great way to spend the time, improve your mood, and find inspiration. Third, make sure that you have plenty of time for your commute. If the drive normally takes you 30 minutes, plan on 45 (or if it's 45 minutes, plan on an hour). This way you won't be rushed, can take your time, can focus on your driving, and if traffic is a bit backed up, you've got plenty of time to reach your destination.Finally, if you do find yourself being anxious in a way that impedes your driving, pull over to the side of the road, take some deep breaths, and sit with your feelings. Take a deep drink of water. Consider jotting your feelings down in a journal. If its safe, get out of the car and walk around a bit, stretching you muscles and breathing in the air.But most of all, be kind to yourself. I wish you much success in your new job."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "Hello. What you are experiencing is entirely reasonable for someone that is still trying to adjust to a new life and also leave behind a long term relationship. It sounds like you lost touch with who you were as a person and need to start exploring that side of you again. Spend time doing things that you have been putting off, or did not do because you were involved. Take the time to become one with yourself before you get into another serious relationship. Regaining self-confidence on yourself will help you with all other areas of life. It is time to make you a priority and to start focusing on your mental and physical well being. Get connected with your community and find things you would want to do that give you purpose and lift you. Before too long you will be in your way to being content and in total control of your mind and at peace. Best of luck. Mirella~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "Moving on from a long term relationship can be difficult. Sometimes we can lose a sense of who we are because in a way we have become defined by the relationship itself. So, when we begin to move on and see other people, our sense of identity may be obscured. The tendency is to seek out validation to give us a feeling of worthiness. That it's ok to move on and be happy. This is a relatively normal reaction. It's important to treat yourself with kindness and compassion through this time in your life. Mindful self-compassion can be a great way to begin the process of getting that sense of who you are back and what you want in a relationship. I think its important to look back, learn what you can from the previous relationship, and become a better person for it in the future. At the same time, taking the necessary time to nuture yourself on a mind, body, and spirit level. Self-compassion allows you to turn inward and except all facets of who you are. It improves your capacity for love, vulnerability, emotional openness, social interconnectedness, and self-respect. My philosophy is holistic, collaborative, and accepting. The cornerstone of my treatment philosophy is mindfulness and other evidenced based integrative modalities. I work as your ally to help you cultivate abundant self-compassion in your life, so that you can have the types of relationships you want."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "A break up, even one that you initiated, may deserve some time and space to allow it to be complete.There's a few ideas I'll throw out there and you can choose if they stick. One is to re-invest in the friendships you have by setting up regular coffee get-togethers for example. Two, get out in nature. It's hard to ignore how grand and patient nature is, and it sometimes takes the pressure off what we should be and instead allows us to be. And the last one I'll throw out there is to invest your time and energy in a project or achievement you've wanted to do for a while, but that perhaps you didn't have the time to. Something related to a hobby such as sports or music, or related to your career. Something that is 'for' you.Life knocks us off balance at times, and that's ok. Self-questioning during these times can be a healthy endeavor. Should you follow any of the advice on this website, continue to be kind to yourself about what you're feeling, and curious about why you're feeling that way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "Possibly you haven't completed your phase of mourning the recently passed relationship and lifestyle which surrounded it.Relationship breakups mean a person's entire life goes through an adjustment since the relationship impacted all areas of your life.Give yourself some patience to restore yourself from the old relationship.When you feel whole again then more than likely you will lose some of the anxiety wondering what your new casual partner feels about you.And instead of wondering, you may simply decide to ask the person your question!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and while Ive never been to any kind of therapist, I noticed I experience several anxiety symptoms. I frequently find myself not going out and following my parent around the house. I can't go into stores (grocery stores specifically) on my own, and when I do, I have to be on the phone with my dad the whole time. I also forget things a lot.", "answerText": "Despite your anxiety you are highly attuned to your sense of well being and skillful in articulating the details of when anxiety takes over.Sometimes people who anxious in specific realtime situations are helped by talking themselves through the anxiety.Maybe you'd be able to distract yourself from the grocery store anxiety by telling yourself you're anxious and that you'll be ok, its only a grocery store.The longer term way to dissolve anxiety is through self-acceptance, self-love, self-belief, basically all the areas of trusting yourself to handle situations.Anxiety is a fear of being overwhelmed by a circumstance or condition which ends badly for you.Often the person can very well handle the situation about which they're anxious. The problem is not trusting themselves enough to rely on their self knowledge."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and while Ive never been to any kind of therapist, I noticed I experience several anxiety symptoms. I frequently find myself not going out and following my parent around the house. I can't go into stores (grocery stores specifically) on my own, and when I do, I have to be on the phone with my dad the whole time. I also forget things a lot.", "answerText": "With the way you described your anxiety, it sounds like you have different types of anxiety. I'm not sure whether you have anxiety of public places, large crowds, being alone (sometimes called separation anxiety), or some combination thereof.One thing that would be helpful would be to track your anxiety and see how anxious you are (on a scale of 1 to 10) in different situations. Also, if you know what leads up to your anxiety, it would be good to know this as well so you can look for patterns.As for forgetting things, you could be anxious because you are forgetting things or you could be forgetting things because you are anxious. When you are having anxiety, certain parts of your brain are overactive because you are in a kind of protective mode. It's also possible that forgetting things and anxiety are not related.Something else to try would be to notice where you feel your anxiety in your body and put your hand there is a way of giving yourself comfort.Another thing about anxiety is that having anxiety can lead to more worry about having more anxiety. One thing that helps for some people is to go to the regular primary care doctor to make sure that there are no physical problems (just for the regular physical) so they know that there are no physical problems and that the anxiety will lessen in a few minutes.Also, if you are able to notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair, this is helping you to be mindful of your body and connecting you to your surroundings. During this in combination with naming your emotions can be soothing as well. For example, in the grocery store, if you are feeling anxious, you could say to yourself \"I'm anxious right now and I'm okay\" while gently shifting your weight from one foot to the other. No one around you would notice what you were doing and the motion may be soothing to you.Anxiety can have a lot of different causes and things that trigger it. If it is difficult for you to work it out on your own (which is very common), consider talking with a local therapist so you can have more specific ideas.Also consider making a list of people who you trust and what it is about them that makes you feel comfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "Wow, congratulations on being in a masters program. You are in a unique place. So few have reached that level. You should give yourself a pat on the back.Confidence is not something that comes naturally. But can and does come with practice.Having gone through two masters programs I can sympathize with your your dilemma.So how is the stress affecting you?Is it serious enough to stop you from presenting or is it just \"butterflies\"?There are many ways of dealing with the anxiety and stress. Much depends on how serious the stress is.So here are a few ideas:1. Practice in front of a mirror.Sounds strange but the practice helps.2. Ask some friends to listen to your presentations.Not so much for their input as to just get used to presenting.3. Focus on the material you are presenting.The subject matter is what you want to get across. Step away from your nerves and get into the facts you want to present. Let the material you present be the focus.4. Remember everyone else is just as nervous as you.Share your fears with some of your classmates and gain support from them. Focus on a friendly face during the presentation. Be a support to them in return.5. \"Fake it, till you make it\".Yes it sounds blunt.But sometimes that's what it takes. Even if you feel like it, you won't die.So much more can be discussed with a competent counselor. Take the time to let a professional help you work through this.Again you have come a long way to be in a graduate program. Congratulations you have done great work so far. It's just one step at a time, take the steps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "A good way to start is the language or \"self talk\" that is happening inside your mind. Looking at your question, when it is said that the presentations \"make me feel stress\" you are giving the responsibility of the stress to the presentations and taking that away from your self. The presentations cannot give or take away your stress, that's something only you can do and you can do it! What language can you change in your self talk? For example, are you saying \"I can't speak in front of an audience! I'll fail?\" That sounds a lot different than \"I studied my butt off and if I practice speaking out loud, I can ace this presentation!\" Although this is a short answer, I do believe that counseling will help you overcome these stressful feelings and bring out your inner confidence."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "First of all, way to go in stretching yourself out of your comfort zone! You are sure to grow through all of this practice presenting to your peers, and that in itself will help to grow your confidence over time. In the meantime, do whatever you can to help yourself feel prepared for each presentation. Do your work ahead of time so that you feel well-informed on your topic, and then spend the days leading up to your presentation practicing. Do your presentation in the mirror, while you are driving (if it won't distract you from the road), and practice in front of a friend. On the day of the presentation, eat a balanced meal, get a pep talk from a supportive friend, use deep breathing to keep your body calm, and remind yourself that you are prepared. You got this!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "Have you tried rehearsing to yourself or a trusted friend what you will present to the class? The more confident you feel in a safe space, the more chance there will be of making the same presentation to a larger group.Giving presentations is not necessarily a difficulty with communication. It has more to do with performance than expressing yourself clearly.Practice, practice, and practice, until you see yourself improve in how you present.Also, keep in mind that whatever anxiety you may feel about making a mistake, the audience is almost alway much more forgiving than the person who feels anxious.Anxiety heightens fear, so whatever concerns you have, check if they are growing from anxiety instead of a realistic assessment of your abilities or audience receptivity.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "I can offer you hypnosis for confidence in presentations, via Skype, if you're in Cali."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Oh, crying in therapy is very normal! I have a stack of kleenex boxes in my office. Cry away, therapist are very used to it:) First time being in therapy is scary, but you'll soon know if you are a good match."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "People do cry in therapy sometimes, but it's not at all necessary to cry in order for most kinds of therapy to be helpful. When you start counseling you don't yet know your counselor very well, so it's normal to keep your feelings in check until you feel comfortable and a bit more relaxed with your counselor and with the situation. Sometimes, though, there are emotions that have been waiting and waiting to finally find someone who will listen with a kind ear. If you feel safe right away in the situation with your counselor, you might just cry in spite of your fears about it. Your therapist is used to people expressing how they feel and will keep strict confidentiality, so even though it's embarrassing, finally experiencing someone truly listening with empathy and kindness may just be worth it. It's okay too to let your counselor know right at the beginning that you're kind of freaked out about getting too emotional in front of another person."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Crying is a natural process when you talk about upsetting things especially in therapy when you are opening up and being so vulnerable. I suggest that you consider how you would feel/respond to someone that was confiding to you and they began to cry. If you felt concerned, supportive and empathetic then you know exactly how us therapists feel when our clients are emotional in sessions. I suggest that you think of times where you have cried and how you felt at that time in public and what would have helped to make you feel less uncomfortable during your tears.I think of crying like any other natural reaction of our body such as sneezing, laughing, coughing. You can't help but do those things and most people won't really judge negatively if you do it in public. Similarly, crying is our body's reaction when we are emotional whether it is tears of joy, from a hilarious joke or from being upset.If you are very uncomfortable about crying but willing to start therapy perhaps you can ask the therapist if you can turn your chair around if you begin crying. This way you are not facing them and can self soothe without worrying about how you physically look at that time.I wish you luck and you should be proud of yourself for starting therapy and I wish you a wonderful journey on this important path that you are embarking on."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "It is not uncommon to be a bit nervous meeting your therapist (or another person) for the first time. Your therapist understands that calling and getting an appointment was a big step for you and will do their best to put you at ease. Providing a safe environment for our clients includes not judging them and being comfortable with the information and emotions that they share with us. It is ok to cry and to trust that the therapist will honor this as part of your process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Yes, if crying is how you are expressing an emotion, then not only would it be normal, but hopefully encouraged, because it's an important part of therapy to have a safe space to express your emotions. We might encourage you to put words to the tears as well, to help you expand on your experience and begin to make more sense of it.As a therapist, our job is help you open up and feel comfortable enough doing so. I sincerely hope no therapist would ever shame you for whatever experience you are having in the room."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "It is is absolutely normal to cry in therapy. I can understand wanting to keep everything together and put your best foot forward with everyone you come into contact with, but it can be such a powerful experience to cry with somebody that can hear you and accept you. It's so brave of you to go and share yourself with your counselor! I hope you will keep being brave as you begin healing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "When talking about difficult issues, it is very normal to cry. Crying is a natural way for us to cope with the sadness that we experience in life. When confronting some of these things in a counseling session, tears just seem to come naturally. Every Counselor should be well equipped to handle that level of emotion, and you would be far from the first to cry when talking with a Counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Hi there ! As someone who has practiced as a clinical psychologist for 25 years , I would say that crying is NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT AT ALL ! Almost every single person I have worked with has cried at one point or another. Starting therapy takes a lot of courage; when you work with a therapist ,once you feel safe , you talk about a lot of very private and potentially emotional things that you may have never discussed with anyone before. I have seen people cry with sadness , cry with relief at releasing painful things they have held onto for a long time, cry because they feel so relieved that they finally feel heard. I myself have sometimes cried with clients because some things they talk about are so profoundly moving. I can assure you that most , if not all , therapists expect clients to cry and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Crying can be very cathartic and can allow us to release a lot of painful feelings we have been stuffing down. Crying is often a sign that you are really working things through and getting in touch with feelings that you need to get in touch with in order to heal .So , to summarize , don't worry at all about crying! It will probably feel uncomfortable at first , but I promise you , you will not be judged for crying in therapy. And it will be less embarrassing once it happens a time or two and you are assured that your therapist will be there for you and won't judge you !Good luck !!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Lots of people do cry in session, but your therapist won't be uneasy with this. Crying is a natural response and it also releases toxins, so some might say it's necessary! Remember that you can be in charge of what you talk about in your session and if there's something that feels too uncomfortable, just say, \"I'm not ready to talk about that.\" Your counselor wants you to feel at ease and will probably not push you right away to a very uncomfortable place. As you get to know your therapist, you will feel more relaxed and even not worry so much about how you appear to them. It's normal to be anxious going into a new situation especially when you might not feel in control of uncomfortable emotions. Don't give up, go and put your best effort in!Hope that helps,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Many people cry during their therapy sessions. Actually most people cry in their therapist's office. I tell my clients that it's safe to cry in my office and crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a normal human response to pain. People actually do more harm to themselves by trying not to cry than by crying. Crying is very cleansing and an important part of the healing process for many people."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Please feel free to cry during therapy if you suddenly feel painful emotions arising when you describe some of your unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationships and situations.Crying when realizing the emotional hurt and unfairness between you and someone, clears you for new ways of handling interactions.As a therapist, I always have a box of tissues on the table next to the couch where people who utilize my therapy, sit.I hope you will soon discover that once your tears unlock your awareness of harmful relationships in your life, you will quickly see the freedom to establish new and happier patterns of relating.Have a good therapy!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Please do not worry about crying. People cry, laugh, rage, rant, and talk during counseling sessions. Part of the therapy process is to look at your feelings, and to feel what you are actually feeling (instead of what you think you should feel). So if you need to cry, that's ok. If you feel embarrassed because you cried, or if you feel anxious that you might cry, well those feelings are ok as well. Your counselor can help you manage your feelings so that you can attain your goals, and your counseling session is the perfect place for that."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel too scared to meet people I don't know - even relatives. I don't ever raise my hand or talk in school. I feel like no one understands. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Social Anxiety is scary. You dont feel safe in relationships and prefer to isolate yourself from the outside world. Is it something you can talk to your parents about?A school counselor could help you. The counselor could possibly order an evaluation to determine how to help.Build your self confidence - Start slow with your family and identify a subject you are familiar with and add to a general conversation. Its important to start finding things in common with others. You dont need to carry the conversations, just add a phrase or two. Have an exit strategy if you get too uncomfortable. Keep notes of what worked and what didnt work so youll be prepared for your next opportunity. Carpe Diem!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel too scared to meet people I don't know - even relatives. I don't ever raise my hand or talk in school. I feel like no one understands. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "It certainly sounds like you have some anxiety. Before deciding whether it was social anxiety or a more general type of anxiety, I would wonder what it is that you think will result from you raising your hand or talking to someone you don't know. Here is some information on social anxiety:https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxietyI would recommend talking to a local mental health professional. It sounds like your anxiety is affecting your daily life and there are lots of strategies that may help to lessen that.Thanks for being brave to post here."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel too scared to meet people I don't know - even relatives. I don't ever raise my hand or talk in school. I feel like no one understands. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Congratulations on your courage to ask this question!This shows you are willing to engage with other people, just not in all situations, especially the in person ones.Start by \"meeting\" yourself.Reflect as thoroughly as possible as to what you imagine will be the outcome of meeting others or of speaking up during a class.Some people are afraid of being criticized or judged by other people, or do this to themselves inwardly. If you are judging or criticizing yourself to be less worthy of having opinions or views or of being who you are, than others, then the thought of actually placing yourself in this situation, would feel intolerable.One way to move out from this position of feeling less than others, is to recognize that these feelings are inside of you.Then it is possible to know at least on an intellectual level that it is not true that any one person is superior to another.All the people whom you are afraid to meet, also have their own insecurities.We are all equal in worth and in having blindspots about ourselves.Also, it is possible that you are naturally shy and may be expecting more from yourself than is reasonable, in terms of a standard about meeting others.You may have a few fears of being judged unfairly, you may also simply not enjoy being around people very much.Be aware to not push yourself beyond your natural limits. Overcoming fears of being judged is different than forcing yourself to do what is against your basic nature."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a male in my early 20s. Lately, my paranoia about being around kids is causing me too breathe heavy and sweat a lot. I then start to act weird because I'm trying to fight my paranoia. This leads to people starring at me because they don't know that I'm suffering from panic attacks and paranoia. They just notice me acting scared around kids and they think I'm a threat because of it. I'm not a pervert or predator. I would never hurt a kid. I like kids and don't know why I'm so scared to be around them. I don't understand why I feel like this. Am I a bad person? How do I make this stop?", "answerText": "In our practice, many people we see have unwanted thoughts of doing harm to children - physically or sexually. As you said, these are intrusive and unwanted thoughts - not genuine desires to harm them. This is a form of OCD we often call Harm or Pedophilic OCD. What you are describing here as \"paranoia\" sounds similar to this, and is so demoralizing because you are dealing both with the distress of these unwanted thoughts and feelings, as well as the fear and uncertainty about your own character as a good person.If this is really what is going on (further assessment by the right professional would determine this), the current gold standard approach to addressing OCD is Exposure with Response Prevention - in this case, confronting the feared situations, thoughts or images on purpose,rather than avoiding them, until they lose the fear and shame associated with them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a male in my early 20s. Lately, my paranoia about being around kids is causing me too breathe heavy and sweat a lot. I then start to act weird because I'm trying to fight my paranoia. This leads to people starring at me because they don't know that I'm suffering from panic attacks and paranoia. They just notice me acting scared around kids and they think I'm a threat because of it. I'm not a pervert or predator. I would never hurt a kid. I like kids and don't know why I'm so scared to be around them. I don't understand why I feel like this. Am I a bad person? How do I make this stop?", "answerText": "Your question is written in a very sincere tone. This, together with the fact of searching for self-understanding, sound more like someone who is unsure and puzzled, not someone who is \"bad\".What was your own childhood like?The sensations you describe feeling sometimes occur in people who are reminded of very deep hurts from during their own childhood.Is it possible what you're feeling is from being reminded of great distress you lived through when you were at a similar age as the kids around whom you feel this sudden and great paranoia and fear?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've known him for about six years. We've dated off and on. I hadn't seen him in close to three years but recently started seeing him again. I really want this to last this time. I stayed the night. Do I text, call, or make contact first, the same day of the morning I left his house?", "answerText": "It is possible your question reflects some insecurity about whether or not either or you would like this relationship to continue.Otherwise, the answer to your question would appear naturally. If you genuinely feel close enough to this person to sleep with him, then who texts whom first, wouldn't really matter too much.Try to understand within yourself whether you feel truly interested in this person as much as you would like to feel toward someone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've known him for about six years. We've dated off and on. I hadn't seen him in close to three years but recently started seeing him again. I really want this to last this time. I stayed the night. Do I text, call, or make contact first, the same day of the morning I left his house?", "answerText": "I don't see why you can't call, text, or make contact first. It would be up to him to reply when he can and wants to, but I don't know why you couldn't initiate contact.One thing to consider as you get to know each other better is having conversations about conversations. For example, you could say \"I'd like to call or text you more often, but I'm concerned about _____ (listing what you are most worried about).\" Then he can discuss his reaction and you can have a dialogue about it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Example would be homecoming? I was at my high school's home football game on Friday, and I left because I felt uncomfortable with all the people there and I just wanted to be by myself. Why is that?", "answerText": "Hi! I'm Amelia. Oh, that is so frustrating! Have you ever heard of social anxiety? Sounds like you may be suffering from it. Here is a link to a quiz...https://www.psycom.net/social-anxiety-test/.Besides being a therapist, I am a Mom to 10 kids. A couple of my kids are very uncomfortable with crowds and become very anxious. Find yourself a therapist who can assess you and spend time with you to address these issues and to help you learn tools to help you navigate these emotions.I am wishing you the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a female and in my early teens. I don't want to feel afraid of people. When I meet someone, I know that they are okay, but I still feel afraid.", "answerText": "Maybe the problem is learning to trust yourself to not be afraid other people!Reflect on what you believe would increase your trust of believing your own judgement on whom to trust.If you've had any type of violation during your growing up years or witnessed someone in your family be violated, emotionally, physically or through some terrible accident or incident, then you may hesitate to believe other people are safe and not to be feared.Give yourself plenty of time and reassurance that as long as you are making sincere effort to increase you comfort around other people, eventually you will succeed."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "There's a lot of layers there to your situation, and I'm focusing on two layers that may be contributing to your feelings of discomfort around others. One layer is the daunting news that your son has autism. Many parents can feel overwhelmed and distraught with this diagnosis. The vast array of treatments available is daunting in and of itself at times to wrap one's head around. Taking time to reflect or seek out therapy regarding how this diagnosis has impacted you may be helpful. Some parents feel their individual identity gets lost in the diagnosis because they have dropped everything to help their child, and others may experience guilt. If either of these or other feelings come to the forefront for you, it may be worth working through them with a therapist. A support group list is available through www.autismspeaks.org and may help connect you with others raising children with autism.A second layer is the abusive relationship you were involved in. The trauma you experienced in this relationship may have a very meaningful impact on your ability to trust and to be intimate with others. Engaging with a therapist can help facilitate the healing process, as well as paving the way for more comfortable and trusting relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "It might be helpful to have a good understanding of the \"why\" in terms of feeling nervous around people, or the difficulty in developing more comfort. If your discomfort is somehow related to your son's diagnosis or your lack of employment, or an abusive relationship you were in and maybe embarrassed about, that is important to understand, and get clarity around.When we can understand on a deep level what is happening for us (i.e., where does fear come into this, and what's it about) we can give ourselves empathy. Everyone struggles in some aspect, so to not necessarily think of yourself as pathological is a first step. Sometimes being around people can trigger an anxiety related to being \"good enough\" that goes back a ways in our history. If any of the above is true, it would need acknowledgement and care from you, as opposed to shaming that experience (in the hopes it would just go away), because this experience is very real for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "I'd wonder first if you were still in the same home and neighborhood where you raised your son and experienced the abuse? In many ways, we react to our environments - and if you're still surrounded by neighbors who didn't reach out when they heard your ex yelling or offer assistance and resources when your son acted differently than his peers, it might make sense that you're more timid around folks. It might also be worth thinking about where your bar is set: do you want to be as comfortable around people as you were before your recent circumstances? Or find your new normal, and connect only with people who raise you up and bolster your self-esteem? You have the right to be both cautious (if you're still surrounded by the same folks and environment) and discerning - only connecting with people who will be supportive. All the best~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "It sounds like you have taken on a caretaker role for a while as well as experienced some pretty severe interpersonal trauma. It makes sense that you would feel nervous around people. Working through the trauma of an abusive relationship in itself can be a difficult process. And then to add on the caretaker part can make things even more difficult. First off, you may want to seek support to work through what you have experienced. Many cities offer support with survivors of domestic violence and there is a hotline to help with this 888-724-7240 as well as online resources. Processing the isolation of this relationship as well as working with your son can help to overcome the anxiety related to others. Accessing autism support networks may be of support as well. Other parents that will understand your experiences are a good and tend to be safer place to start in attempting to connect to others.Very importantly, go slow and be kind to yourself as you begin to adapt to a new life of allowing others to care for you as you so clearly have for others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "I would look at getting engaged with a support network of individuals who may also have autistic children. They will understand some of the things that you are experiencing at home and you may also find someone who feels that same way as you. If you have not sought professional counseling for the abusive relationship I would seek out a therapist who can help you process through it so you do not repeat similar choices in your next relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "Probably a good portion of living like a recluse was necessary so you had time to rest and recuperate from so much major adjustment in your life.Have you told some of the people in your life about the many changes you've been through? It is possible people sense something different about you and aren't sure whether to ask or not ask questions.Also, understand what type of qualities you'd like to offer and receive in a friendship. Given that raising a kid who has autism takes a lot of energy and time, the way you socialize will change.Start with one person whom you're pretty sure would welcome you and whom you would gain by bringing them into your life.As a result of how this interaction goes, how you decide to spend your time together, what you'll discuss, you will know more about yourself and what you require to feel good around other people.Then, you can consider if you're ready to add others into your world."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "It is possible that you could have or be developing an anxiety disorder. There isn't really enough information provided here to suggest a particular disorder, but it might be worth meeting with a counselor or therapist to do a formal assessment. Some of the questions they might ask could be what other kinds of physical symptoms you experience, how frequently these physical symptoms happen, what's going on for you when they tend to happen, and how frequently/intensely you find yourself worrying in general.Anxiety itself is a really natural thing - it's just when it starts interfering with your ability to \"do life\" the way you want that we start to consider potential disorders. It might be that for the most part, the anxiety you feel is normal and you simply have some triggers that intensify it more than usual. Working on your own or with the support of a counselor/therapist to both address those triggers at the root and also to develop ways of managing the actual anxiety symptoms. This two-fold approach can be really helpful for not letting anxiety keep you from engaging in life the way you'd like."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "These types of symptoms can be very disruptive to life! Anxiety often presents in two key ways: 1) physical symptoms such as: racing heart rate, sweaty palms, dry mouth, shaking or trembling or nausea - often these physical sypmtoms are categorized as a Panic Attack. 2) mentally anxiety presents itself as worry. Worry that spirals out of control, worry that dirsupts your life and concentration. Worry that keeps from being present in your life. Anxiety when it begins to spiral out of control either with disruptive mental or physical symptoms, needs to be addressed formally. I urge you to see a counselor and/or a psychiatrist soon to begin to address these issues. Good Luck,Sitka Stueve, LSCSW"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "Feelings of anxiety can be scary and sometimes we're not aware of the triggers that lead up to moments of anxiety, i. e., heart racing, sweaty palms, sweating, shortness of breath. It's important to realize that in moments of anxiety our body & mind are experiencing a reaction from our primal or reptilian brain that is signaling the flight or fight response within us, which kicks the hypothalamus into action flooding our body with chemicals, like adrenaline or cortisol. So, one way to work with anxiety is to find out what the triggers are that lead to anxiety, such as fear, stress. negative thought patterns, not enough food or sleep. Keeping a daily journal can help you track the patterns and triggers and once you identify the triggers you can ameliorate them by learning new skills & techniques and by reducing stress and getting enough sleep. One quick way to reduce anxiety is by taking deeper breathes, sometimes this is called belly breathing. When you breath in make sure your belly rises and expands and as you breath out the belly deflates. Many of us do shallow breathing up in our chest which does not allow for a full breath, and getting a full breath is so important as a tool to help relax us in times of stress & anxiety ."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "I would suggest keeping a log of those days when you are having a hard time. Items to write would be what were you doing before you felt this way, did you eat and what, what time of day is it, how much sleep did you get that night, etc... This can help you identify any triggers. Further assessment can be made by a health care professional. It does sound like you are experiencing some symptoms of anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "Yes, it seems like you may have a type of anxiety: but considering that it is intermittent, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist and explore what triggers the anxiety. Different types of anxiety are caused by different scenarios, memories, or stressors. Once you identify what triggers the anxiety, you may be able to identify thecopingmechanism that will help you handle your symptoms.Tengo algntipodeansiedad?A veces estoy bien, puedo salir a reunirme con personas, pero otros das, mi corazn se acelera y las palabras no salen de mi boca. Siempre pens que era normal y que solo estaba nervioso, pero el otro da, me tomo casi 30 minutos encontrar el valor para salir del carro y entrar a Target.Si parece que tienes un tipo de ansiedad, y considerando que es intermitente, puede ser til hablar con un consejero para explorar su causa. Hay diferentes tupos de ansiedad que son causados por diferentes estmulos, memorias y escenarios. Ya que logres identificar que causa tu ansiedad, entonces podrs aprender mecanismos de defensa que te ayuden a controlar la ansiedad."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "Though I don't know for sure, it sounds like anxiety to me. I think it would be helpful if you work with a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "Your, sitting in your car for 30 minutes, story sounds so sad and frustrating.Yes, you're describing classic symptoms of anxiety.Anxiety itself is the indirect result of repeatedly being in positions of feeling helpless or frightened.Are you able to recall from your growing up years of feeling insecure?You may not have felt loved and nurtured as much as you needed.Some people develop anxiety from missing enough love. They feel lacking in ability to take care of themselves, similar to the lack of being sufficiently taken care of when younger.Try understanding if you felt neglected emotionally.If \"yes\", then start the slow process of emotionally rewarding and acknowledging yourself.Progress will be slow.Eventually you'll stabilize the way you feel toward yourself.This will gradually result in decreased anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "First, be aware that each end every one of us has anxiety at some point. That certainly seems to fit what you're describing here, but that doesn't mean you have an anxiety disorder, necessarily. That's where there is a difference. Anyone who has a hard time with public speaking or feels uncomfortable in large crowds, for example, is experiencing anxiety.It sounds like it would be helpful to look at the differences between the days when you are more comfortable on the days that you are not. If you notice your anxiety is keeping you from doing things that you need or want to do, it may be helpful to talk with and mental health professional.I wonder also whether your appetite and sleeping patterns are the same or similar to how they were before you experienced this anxiety, when your anxiety started, and whether you feel more comfortable when someone you trust is there with you.If you have an idea of times or situations in which you feel anxious, consider carrying a small smooth rock or another object that makes you feel calm and centered. Perhaps you can keep it in your pocket and remember specific comfortable times while you have it in your hand."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want you to know that you are certainly not alone on this issue.Everyone, atsome point in time, has a fear of public embarrassment. But for manypeople, this fear can becomeso awful that it begins tohave a real negative impact on their quality of life.They willtry to avoid any situation that they even THINK will cause them embarrassment or anxiety. Escaping a possible embarrassing moment by avoiding or isolating may cause some relief at first, but then many times the avoidance will eventuallylead to loneliness, isolation, and even despair. By avoiding, we can also miss out on things that make us feel alive and bring enjoyment. There are many self-help books that offer advice on this issue. You can do an internet search, and I recommend reading the reviews of the book. That is great way to find out if others have found the book helpful. Another option is to seek a counselor to help you with this fear.I would recommend a counselor who specializes in helping people who have anxiety or social anxiety. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is a good choice for helping with anxiety, but there are many others. The truth is that anxiety and fear of embarrassing ourselves is not something that any of us will ever \"get over\", but we can learn to respond to those feelings differently. A colleague may offer some other advice, as well.. Be wellRobin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me.", "answerText": "Why not accept and tolerate that you naturally are a shy person who doesn't like large groups?This is not necessarily something to get over if it is part of who you are.People have the capacity to judge others regardless of whether the group is large or small.If you aren't afraid of being judged in small groups then study the factors which allow you to feel safe in small groups.Possibly you can generalize your findings to large group venues.If you try the and aren't successful, then likely you simply aren't naturally someone who cares for large group settings.Not everything a person doesn't like is a symptom of something is wrong w the person!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My partner lives in Canada while I live in the US. We visit each other, but we go months in between visits. I have anxiety, and I'm always anxious about him cheating or still having feelings for an ex that he dated for three years. He doesn't understand my anxiety. How do I stop myself from worrying so much?", "answerText": "Would you worry less if you and your partner had a plan as to when you will be together as a couple?Long distance relationships are not for everybody. Some people need the daily or frequent interaction to feel secure.The question is not so much how to deal with anxiety that your partner is cheating on you than whether your own emotional and relationship requirements are satisfied with a long distance relationship.Anyway, cheating has nothing to do with distance since married people cheat while living together for years under the same roof!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just about fall asleep then I can't help but sit up and walk around.", "answerText": "Maybe you are afraid to let go of your problems for a few hours.Although you didn't write this, usually what keeps people awake or prevents them from falling asleep are worries about certain situations in their lives.If this describes you then. maybe talk with yourself to convince you that you are entitled to a good night's sleep.Really we all are and feeling rested from the day and life's tensions will better you to handle whatever the particular matters are.Also, maybe you will be more enthusiastic to go to bed if you have a comfy mattress and nice pillows! Make your bed an inviting place because this will tempt you to enjoy relaxing enough to go to sleep!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have severe anxiety and have tried everything. Everything makes it worst.The only thing that helps is my emotional support animal.", "answerText": "Sorry to read of your suffering.Is it actually permitted that people are able to take support animals to school?I see your point of the animal helping you. I just also see the point that some people have allergies to animal hair or dander, or may feel distracted by an animal in the classroom.You may end up feeling worse, if when you bring your support animal to school, that it disturbs people or interferes with the routines of the class.For your anxiety, I suggest some loving kindness toward yourself. Be patient with yourself and that you have anxiety. If you're able to accept that some situations create great discomfort for you, maybe you'll tolerate these difficult situation.Embrace your anxiety as part of you, basically, rather than trying to banish it, which because it actually is part of you, is impossible to achieve.In a way, I'm suggesting you become your own \"support animal\". Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and see if you feel a little less stressed in school."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm just an extremely paranoid person. I constantly feel as though I am in some sort of danger, like as though I live in a horror movie with no resolution. It worsens at night. It gets to the point I'm scared in my own home more so than anything. I have no access to the help I need so I'm desperate.", "answerText": "One approach is to be more accepting of yourself as someone who has fears.It is much easier to manage a problem when you're not fighting yourself for having a problem.Once you are willing to accept this quality within yourself you may start to feel a little more relaxed about handling the fears when they arise.One answer is to examine the facts about the fears. Ask yourself fact based questions as to how you would handle the worse case scenario of your fears.Feeling prepared, whether or not the circumstance is highly unlikely to happen, may increase your peace of mind with living the great fears within your mind."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know if I'm normal. I'm really scared to touch a girl. I'm a young adult and a virgin. My fiance and I want to have sex soon, and this might mess everything up because she wants a baby soon as well.", "answerText": "Your question is a good one!The best way to decrease the fear would be to talk with your fiancee about it. Eventually she'll find out, and better to talk about it when there is less pressure than to be in the midst of a situation which frightens you.Also, she may feel similar to you, who knows?Discussing a topic which relates directly to your relationship is a good way to increase emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy has a lot to do with feeling at ease with physical intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't understand why this is happening. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "The short answer I could give is that we don't know why it's happening. The longer answer could come from deeper exploration as to your fears, or anxieties, that you experience maybe just thinking of going outside. But any sort of exploration about this almost HAS to begin with an agreement within you (and all of your feelings), that's it's not something to be ashamed of. If we are ashamed of any of our behaviors, then we lose the ability to sit with them and see where they are coming from.This could be something that can be worked through in therapy, and specifically with a therapist who specializes in anxiety and more specifically, agoraphobia."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't understand why this is happening. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "The first step to answer your question is to reflect on what is going on in your life overall. If you're in the midst of severe stress, whether within your relationship or effort to establish a relationship, upheaval in family dynamics, some type of significant loss like a job or someone with whom you feel closely attached, then you may simply be creating the solitude which is necessary to better understand and absorb the meaning of these changes.I assume you mean you are by yourself when you are indoors.What you write sounds like you're not happy with this recent urge rather than that you and someone or others are having great and fun times together.One way to encourage yourself to go back outdoors is to connect w a friend or search for an interest within you to develop.This way with either of these, you'd feel a little bit of motivation to join and get more involved with either of these."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a peaceful person, but I often find myself having thoughts about killing people. Eventhough I like the thoughts at the time, they make me cry. Why do I feel like this?", "answerText": "Maybe because you have great emotional pain stored inside you of which you are not aware exists.Sometimes people who feel greatly hurt by others or who feel unloved by others, imagine if they do the opposite of love, which is to kill, that they will get the recognition and acknowledgement from others which they wish would come to them in a loving way.This is my theory, it is not necessarily a definitive description of your inner dynamic.Most important is to keep an open mind to self-discovery on your feelings, including the ones which are uneasy, such as killing, to consider."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a peaceful person, but I often find myself having thoughts about killing people. Eventhough I like the thoughts at the time, they make me cry. Why do I feel like this?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Clearly this is something that has you very concerned. Sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, and they are pretty harmless.Many people have thoughts of killing someone, but they would never actually do it. They really don't even want to do it, they are just having a thought.Other times,thoughts are a sign of something more serious, and we should receive help when they start to worry us. I would recommend meeting with a counselor to discuss these thoughts. It is usually a safe environment where you can get advice with little judgement. Now, If you begin to start thinking about killing someone specific and making a plan to do it in reality- you should call for help immediately. By help, I mean 9-11,or a family member or friend. You would want to get help before doing something to harm yourself and others. Again, none of this is to judge, but rather to encourage you to get the help you're seeking. Either way, when we become concerned about some aspect of our behavior, seeking counseling is usually a good choice. Be well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I shake and have panic attacks.", "answerText": "One way to understand panic attacks is as a sign of feeling insecure or lacking confidence in a certain area or characteristic of yourself.The insecurity can sometimes feel overwhelming and this starts the sense of panic.One way to build your sense of security within yourself is to have a simple life and a slow paced life. When there are many activities or involvements to pay attention, then it is easy to not give full attention to all of them. This may trigger a sense of insecurity since in fact you may not have had sufficient time to study and know your own opinion about all of what your life is immersed in.A simpler life of fewer activities allows more time to know and understand your own inner feelings and reactions.To know more about yourself may help build your confidence and security in your ability to know and live what goes on in your life!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I shake and have panic attacks.", "answerText": "One of the first things I would suggest is to see if you can keep track of what is leading you to feel anxious.If you shake all the time, consider talking with your primary care physician. Sometimes that can be a hormonal imbalance or another chemical imbalance (such as thyroid).One of the most difficult things about anxiety is that having anxiety (particularly panic attacks) can lead to anxiety about having more panic attacks. Also remember that panic attacks are typically part of your brain's protective response to what it considers to be some sort of threat. You may have heard of the fight or flight response. When you have an anxiety attack, your body is preparing you to react to something that isn't actually a threat, so it's almost as if you're fight or flight response is overactive. Here is an image that may be helpful:http://psychology.tools/fight-or-flight-response.htmlThere are many different things you can do. You can practice breathing, mindfulness, meditation, or yoga techniques. If you decide to try some breathing techniques, try breathing in for a count of five, holding for a count of five, breathing out for a count of five, and repeating five times.Also remember that it is easier to learn these techniques when you're not having a panic attack. At that point, it can be really difficult to use methods to not panic. Also remember that panic attacks typically last 5 to 10 minutes. Using techniques to slow your breathing or become focused on the room around you is probably most helpful when you first start to feel anxious.Here are some other techniques that may help to decrease anxiety:http://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-to-reduce-anxiety-right-here-right-now/As you figure out what is leading up to your anxiety, also consider asking yourself what is making that certain issue a big concern for you. Another important question could be when you have felt that way before."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious. I'm feeling burnt out. What can help me feel better?", "answerText": "Does it help to put a name to the experience you are having? Where you first said, \"I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious,\" you then say that you are \"feeling burnt out,\" which gives a little more context to what may have once felt like \"no reason.\" Perhaps you are feeling burnt out! That is a big deal, and please try not to take it lightly! When we get burnt out, I have found that it's from one of two things: either we are not doing what we want, or we are doing too much (either of something we want or something we don't, doesn't really matter once we get into doing too much.)If either of those rings true for your experience, try as much as possible to sit with the experience and get a better sense of where the burn out is coming from. I wrote about burnout for a newsletter and it is on my website. I don't want to do shameless promotion, but I thought it could also add to helping you:https://davidkleintherapy.com/my-experiences-with-burnout/I hope that you can also see that it's not an abnormal experience."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious. I'm feeling burnt out. What can help me feel better?", "answerText": "There's no such possibility that you're upset for \"no reason\"!The reason is not obvious, not that you are feeling upset in response to nothing at all.What can help you feel better is to be kind and gentle with yourself because this sort of approach will more likely relax your mood and mindset enough for the tension and anxiety you feel, to dissipate somewhat.Try to understand whether certain situations or interactions remind you or feel similar to ones which distressed you before.This may be the reason for your anxiety.It is good news that you know the difference between your usual sense of yourself and that you've been away from this feeling.Give yourself a little credit for understanding yourself. Giving credit adds confidence and confidence will help you find the reasons and new ways to handle your anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Fears are not that difficult to deal with, first you need to train yourself to relax using some relaxation strategy, once you are able to employ that in your daily life, you then need to start facing your fear, for instance I'll use an example of a man who has a fear of driving over a bridge. We would build a hierarchy of fears, that is a list of fears ranging from least to most, for example the man may want to start by looking at a picture of a bridge while employing his relation technique, then he may want to see a real bridge from a distance while employing that same relaxation technique, then moving closer to the bridge, then maybe standing on a bridge, all the while moving closer to his fear while relaxing, until you come to most fearful proposition which is crossing that bridge, or you can also engage in flooding which is for example, if you were scared of an elevator, go into an elevator until you are not panicking anymore, in the movie Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne who has a great fear of bats, goes into this cave and allows himself to be surrounded by bats until he is no longer fearful of them. Secondly, look at your fears, do they even need to be worked on, some fears are healthy, for example if i was a therapist in New York City and someone came to me and said \"I'm scared of snakes\", I would probably say that is OK because there are very little snakes left in ManhattanHope that helps C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Your fear may have deeper roots within your sense of who you are, than you realize. Fears are sometimes irrational so that logic doesn't get rid of them.Think about whether you felt secure and confident as a child. Also, did any major bad events happen to you with other people or situations when you were growing up?Often these overwhelming situations of childhood stay with us as fears of situations in our adult lives. If the root of the problem w the fear is from long ago, then probably a therapist who can ask you questions which help you remember upsetting childhood circumstances, may help you to dissolve the current fear.Another possibility is CBT, cognitive behavior therapy which teaches people short term mantras to do something which is safe, say being a passenger in a commercial airplane, which feels frightening to a person.CBT is short term and results are limited to specific fears. It is a much quicker approach than self-understanding."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Fear is a part of life. In fact, our five main emotions are joy, fear, sadness, shame, and anger. We tend to spend a lot of time and energy running away from or trying to get rid of most of those emotions and the more we do that, the more we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment.As a result of viewing our human emotions as \"bad\" or \"wrong,\" we often get caught up in a trap of thinking we have to overcome them or get rid of them before we can do what matters to us. In reality, you can do what is important to you whilehaving your fears!My question for you is, what would you do if this fear was completely gone? What behaviors would you have if you were the ideal you? What skills, knowledge, or personal qualities would you develop? What kind of relationships would you have?I imagine your fear has kept you from achieving those goals because your mind tells you you can't do it until the fear is gone. I challenge you to do the following exercise:What is a goal you would like to achieve? Example: I would like to change careersWhat actions are necessary to complete this goal? Example: see a career counselor to determine my ideal career, go back to school/get a certification, network with others in my desired industryWhat thoughts, feelings, or urges might get in my way? Example: thoughts of \"What if I fail? I'm not smart enough. I can't do it. I'm too busy to put energy into this.\" Feelings of fear, shame, excitement. Urges to distract myself through drinking or watch tv instead of taking action.It would be helpful to remind myself that: example: It is natural to have these thoughts, feelings, and urges but I can take action anyway. I deserve to have a fulfilling life.The smallest and easiest step I can take now: example: research career counselors in my area and write down their phone numbersThe time, day and date that I will take that first step, is: example: Tonight at 7pmAt least think through these answers but it is most beneficial to write them down. I hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "This answer could be very different depending on the fear, the degree of it, and what it connects to.I wonder the following:On a scale of 1 to 10, how upset, anxious, or scared to you get when you think about overcoming this? If it's more than a 5/10, I would definitely recommend talking with a therapist in your area.A lot of fears that we have come from something that at one time was self-protective and important. Do you know where your fear started? If you think it is still protecting you or helping you in some way, talk with someone (like a therapist) about it.If it is something that you know is irrational (for example, fear of being hurt by static cling from winter clothing), is there some part of that that you are not afraid of?I really encourage you to consider whether your fear has a lot of emotions connected to it or if it ties from something in your past that was very emotional for you at the time. If it does, consider working with a therapist to establish emotional safety before taking away the fear or anxiety that may actually be helpful to you.Also, the fact that you notice that you are afraid of something and you don't want to be afraid of it anymore is a big step in the forward direction."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Biologically, fear is designed to protect us from harm. Fear is not always a bad thing, and in fact can be quite healthy and appropriate depending on the situation.A phobia, however, is different. You used the term \"fear\" rather than \"phobia\". A phobia is an irrational fear - meaning it is not rational for you to fear that thing. If your situation is a phobia, exposure therapy can help. This consists of gradually exposing yourself a little at a time to the thing you are afraid of. Some people with phobias find that the irrational fear interferes with their life and they do need to overcome it. Someone who is afraid to drive over bridges may go to great lengths to avoid routes that have bridges. People who are afraid of elevators may always use the stairs instead, which may not always be feasible. If overcoming a phobia will improve the quality of your life, then by all means, seek professional help to overcome it.Everyone has fears, or things that make them nervous. Public speaking, asking a person out, fear of failure. Examine what your fear is and try to determine the reason for the fear. When you can get to the root cause of the fear, you can deal with that issue. A lot of times, it is a self-esteem issue. You may be able to peel back the layers of the fear and find out what's causing it and deal with the real issue.Some fears are caused by trauma. Someone with PTSD is going to have an exaggerated fear response and will find themselves being kicked into \"fight or flight\" mode over things that someone without the trauma experience wouldn't notice or react to. In cases like this, exposure therapy would be the wrong approach and could actually make things worse. If there is a possibility that a past trauma is the cause of your fear, I strongly urge you to seek a therapist - not just any therapist, but one who is trained to work with trauma and abuse victims."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Overcoming fears is something that everyone struggles with at one time or another. Sometimes we come across something that scares us, we push through it and suddenly we aren't afraid anymore. But sometimes it can seem like our fears just take over and we cannot overcome them. There are some options:1. You can go to a counselor and receive some type of treatment. What kind of treatment would depend on the type of fears you are experiencing. For example, if you have a general phobia about something, they may use various techniques to help you manage it. 2. There are different websites and even some self-help books that you can use to try to overcome your fears. When it comes to overcoming certain fears or phobias, exposure therapy well-studied and proven to work. A therapist would help you with this, but some websites give instructions for how to do it yourself. I am not sure how well it works when you try it by yourself, but here is a link to a website that does offer some tools. http://psychology.tools/anxiety.htmlSome colleagues may offer you some other types of advice. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "How is your life going overall?Since you hear voices since you were young I wonder whether you mean the thoughts each of us has about what to do, our opinions, including self-criticism and praise.I try to understand how severe a problem these voices are if you've managed to get to a point in life of awareness about the voices.Usually when mental health people hear about voices the immediate thought is you need drugs bc you are psychotic.Since this is going on for a number of years, I wonder if the problem is something different."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "You are right. It is not normal to hear voices that aren't your own but the fact is some people do. In my experience, medication seem to help. It is also important to understand when you hear voices the most - meaning it is important to understand what the triggers are. It is also important to understand when the voices are the least - meaning what helps you deal with the voices better. My clients have reported that their triggers are being in social gathering or around strangers or for some even the TV. Trying to identify your triggers is helpful for some people. Clients have also reported that listening to music, watching TV, being with friend or family helps them deal with their voices. Every individual is different and you need to figure out what works for you and what triggers your voices. My suggestion is to see a therapist / health care provider and then go from there.I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "First, let me express my support and compassion for what you're going through. Hearing voices can be incredibly difficult and can feel like you can't get a moment's peace, even in the privacy of your own mind. And not everyone will necessarily understand what you're dealing with, so I imagine you may also be feeling isolated or somehow different. Atta girl/boy on reaching out for help!Many people find benefit to taking medications, such as risperdal, seroquel, and so on. These should be prescribed by a nurse practitioner or psychiatrist -- I do not recommend a primary care doctor venture into this area, as a general rule. Discuss the options thoroughly and insist on a good rapport with your prescriber, if you decide to go this route.Some people are having results with a talk-therapist to develop coping strategies. There is a new and somewhat less conventional approach to challenging voices with a professional to assist you, rather than to suppress the voices, which medication will do. There is peer-run organization and a general approach that attempts to live with voices in a different way. You can read about it in Living With Voices by Marius Romme. I have heard interviews but have not read the book(s) and can't speak to its efficacy.No matter what steps you decide to try, managing your stress, sleep, exercise, healthy food is essential -- in other words, just the daily care and feeding of yourself should be included in all of your efforts and bears surprising benefits to your brain and emotional health.Best wishes to you,Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "This isn't something you can do on your own.If you haven't already, you need to see a medical doctor ASAP to rule out medical causes for this. Many diseases, illnesses, and conditions can cause hallucinations. In the elderly, sometimes it's something as simple as a urinary tract infection. Some medicines may have that side effect as well.However, you say you've been hearing them since you were little. I have no idea how old you are now, but something that has been going on for many years does lead me to think it could be a type of schizophrenia. A psychiatrist could diagnose that after taking a complete look at your history, medical history, etc. There are medications that they can put you on that will help.One thing that I find encouraging is that you recognize you're hearing voices. This means you are not so far into a delusion as to believe it is real. A lot of people that hear or see things that aren't there are not able to have the awareness that these things are not real. They fully believe what they're hearing/seeing. It's completely real to them. Because you have the awareness that you do, I feel this is a very good sign that with treatment you can live a normal life (assuming you are not already receiving treatment for it. If you are and are still hearing the voices, please know that medications often need to be changed and adjusted, and the voices may never completely go away but medicines certainly help dull them a lot. Always talk to your doctor when it seems your symptoms are getting worse so that they can make the necessary medication adjustments for you).If at any time the voices are telling you to do something, please go to an ER as this is an emergency. Sometimes people hear voices telling them to harm themselves, harm someone else, or do other things that are against the law. Do not try to deal with something like that on your own. There are people who can help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "Give yourself a lot of empathy and care for having had a rough childhood and realizing that life can be better than how you were treated when growing up.Be patient with yourself too bc lasting change takes time.Alternatives to hitting your head require constant gentle reminders to do these new behaviors, or if you've discovered a satisfying alternative in one moment, time is required for you to repeat this alternative until it feels natural.Anxiety usually means someone did not feel well understood growing up and was rushed to comply with the wishes of others who were a regular part of their lives.Anxiety lessens as the person starts to know and accept their wishes and needs as valid. Allow yourself to learn who you truly are in the spirit of accepting whatever you discover about yourself.The behaviors will naturally change with your new understanding and self acceptance.Good luck and enjoy this self discovery project!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "Hello. I have to wonder from a behavioral perspective if what you are doing is useful for you. In other words, does it serve a purpose in some way when you find yourself doing it. Yes, this could well be an expression of anxiety, or maybe some type of coping skill you have developed over the years to deal with stressful situations. Yet it sounds like you have developed a sort of knee-jerk behavioral conditioning that causes you to do this behavior during specific (or perhaps even non-specific) circumstances. Do you think it is a self-soothing behavior? Do you feel good after you have done it? The behavior itself is likely causing some form of slow physical damage, so I would recommend you have yourself checked by a doctor, to rule out any injury. If none exists, this obviously doesn't excuse the behavior, it just says that for the moment luck is on your side.When we do any behavior of any kind, it is good to ask if what we are doing has merit or value. Is the behavior helping us to solve our problem, or is it merely creating yet another problem by doing the behavior in the first place. In the same way that a person might drink excessively because they are stressed and need to cope with some unresolved issue, when they are done drinking the original problem will still likely be there, but now they are intoxicated. No closer to solving the issue. When we deal with things like anxiety or depression, we need to do things that work on dealing with the symptoms, but also get to the root issue that created those feelings and find effective solutions. So the things we do to cope with life events need to not be ones that cause us harm, but rather support us as we move forward and work to deal with what life throws at us.Sometimes seeking support from a friend or a counselor is a good idea. Being given the opportunity to express your feelings about what is going on around you and getting feedback and insight from others is much more effective than actions of self-harm, wouldn't you agree? So I would encourage you to find a counselor or a trusted friend who can help you find positive behaviors you can take to deal with your feelings, as you also work to find the answers to the day to day issues of living a life filled with promise and opportunity.Reach out if you need help...there will likely be a hand there waiting for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "The best way to handle anxiety of this level is with a combination of appropriate medication given to you by a medical doctor, and therapy to help you understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are causing the anxiety. This is not something that anyone should just white knuckle and try to get through on their own with no help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety. This takes a therapist trained in CBT.You will learn to recognize when and why you perform the behavior of hitting your head, help you deal with the underlying cause of this, and replace the behavior with a more positive behavior. You'll learn coping skills.You mention having a rough childhood. Anyone who has experienced trauma like this, especially long-term ongoing trauma from abuse of any kind, definitely does not need \"exposure therapy\", which is what is recommended for phobias. You need a therapist trained specifically in trauma informed therapy.You are on the right path by recognizing there is an issue and what it is. Good luck with your healing journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.", "answerText": "Your fear is somewhat reasonable. No one wants to be raped and I imagine everyone is afraid of what being raped would feel like.Do you mean that this fear is on your mind more often than you would like?If this is the case, then try understanding the reason behind your fear.Is it because you personally know or know of someone who was raped? One general direction of what would help is to regain confidence in your decisions of keeping yourself safe. The more you trust yourself to avoid social situations with lots of drinking, isolated physical surroundings, and being in isolated locations with someone with whom you're not very familiar, probably your fear will decrease.The other general direction to understand is if in your family history, people have been violated severely, either emotionally, mentally, or physically.In families in which people have suffered severe violations of themselves, often the emotional patterning of expecting to be hurt by others, plants itself very deeply and transmits to the younger generation.Its possible then, that you are suffering from fears established in other family members who have not yet been able to fully understand and accept their own suffering.The good news is that individual therapy, with a credentialed and licensed therapist, is ideal for a safe place to open and clear this type of emotional burden."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.", "answerText": "Why are you afraid of rape? Because it is a problem in the United States! The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports that one in five women (0r 20%) will be raped (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf) and that 80% of women know their assailant. Given these statistics, it is perfectly logical to be afraid. However, there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape, such as being aware of your surroundings, and limiting the use of drugs or alcohol.The Enhanced Access, Knowledge, Act program for college-aged women has been shown to reduce the risk of rape by more than 50%. (http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/factsheet/eaaa-enhanced-assess-acknowledge-act-sexual-assault-resistance-education) You may want to see if a program like this is available in your area.Another great app for when you need to walk somewhere alone, is the Companion App (http://www.companionapp.io). Friends or family can track your progress from one point to another via the GPS in your phone.In addition, talking with a counselor about your fears would also be a good idea. Sometimes fears are rational and reasonable. Sometimes they are over-reactions and unreasonable. When then are over-reactions and unreasonable, they can have a negative impact on your life. In this case, a counselor could help you understand why your fears are unreasonable, and how you can stop them from negatively impacting your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, anger, and memory problems. I can't work. I have no income. I'm on medicine, but I feel worthless. I want to be normal.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. It sounds like you've had a traumatic experience that has impacted your life in many ways. Without knowing much about your history, I wonder if the trauma you suffered has lead to the anxiety, anger, and memory problems you are dealing with, in addition to PTSD. I would encourage you to look for a trauma therapist who offers a sliding scale or pro bono services. There may also be community mental health services in your area that offer free therapy if you are eligible for grant."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I never feel like myself. I cant even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I cant remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I dont know why I feel this way, but I hate it.", "answerText": "Hi Houston, Okay, something's definitely going on, right? My gut is to start with your family physician, because you have some physical symptoms. While it seems anxiety is a likely problem here, your doctor will hopefully know your history and can help you decide if you need some medical tests or some therapy. Without knowing more, that's all I can say at this point. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I never feel like myself. I cant even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I cant remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I dont know why I feel this way, but I hate it.", "answerText": "What you are describing sounds like it may be a form of dissociation. Dissociation is our mind's way of disconnecting us from aspects of our experience in an attempt to protect us in overwhelming situations. It also sounds like you are noticing anxiety in certain situations. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences, learn skills for coping with anxiety and reconnecting with yourself, and alleviate these symptoms over time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I never feel like myself. I cant even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I cant remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I dont know why I feel this way, but I hate it.", "answerText": "Hello,I am wondering if you might be experiencing some form of dissociation. People who dissociate might feel like the world around them is unreal and unfamiliar, or that they are not really in their bodies and that they are observing themselves from outside of their bodies. Dissociation can also mean that there are parts of you that have \"split off\" and sometimes parts are can feel like they are at odds with each other or are locked in conflict. Sometimes dissociation happens after someone experiences a trauma. Therapy can help you to understand what is going on and help you to integrate your experiences and ultimately heal.I am a therapist in Houston who specializes in dissociation. On my website I have information specific to dissociation that might be helpful to you.Sarah"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I had to put a restraining order against my ex-fianc. He was served last night. He was mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I thought it was my nerves, but every time I stand up, I get sick. If I sit and rock, I'm fine.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. You may be right, your physical symptoms of getting sick to your stomachmay very well be your nerves or anxiety. That is totally normal and understandable given your circumstances. Another thing that is not unusual is that you feel better when you sit and rock. That is actually a fairly common way that many people comfort themselves in times of high stress. If you are concerned that there is an actual physical illness causing these symptoms, you may want to visit your primary care provider. They may tell you that they don't see anything physically wrong with you, and at that point you may want to visit a counselor about the symptoms and your relationship experience. A visit with a counselor may be a good idea either way. I work as a counselor in primary care, and I promise you that many people have very real physical symptoms when they have gone through abuse. Unexplainable stomach and headaches are very common. Sometimes, with counseling, those physical symptoms actually stop. Be well, and I hope you feel better soon.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been dealing with this for years. My mom thinks I'm overly emotional and refuses to offer any help, like therapy or seeing a doctor. She's seen me when I'm having a panic attack and just said I was faking for attention or that I'm a hypochondriac. I just want to get better.", "answerText": "I don't know how old you are, but in Pennsylvania, if you are over 14, you can have therapy without your parents' consent. If you are young enough to use their insurance, that could be complicated, but depending on the state, there may be ways to work around that as well. If transportation is a problem, call a local mental health agency and see if they can connect you with assistance.In the meantime, try searching for a phone helpline in the county where you live. They may be able to help you figure out where you can get help.Another idea is that if you are in school, your guidance counselor may be able to provide links to where you can go for help. He or she may also be able to give you more specific ideas to help with your panic attacks.I know you said your mom refuses to offer help, which included seeing a doctor, but I wonder if she trusts the doctors that is your primary care physician (also called a family doctor) who you see when you have a minor medical ailment that may need medication. That doctor may be able to help you as well.Some of the information here may be helpful to you because it explains some of what anxiety is and there are some quizzes there that may give you information to discuss with a doctor or therapist when you get connected with one.http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-anxiety-disorders This may give you other information to speak with your mom about. Remember that I'm not asking you to actually diagnose yourself with one of these things, but just offering some basic information that may help you be able to talk about what is going on.If you are having a panic attack or having a moment of anxiety, try focusing on different things in the room around you. It may help to shift your focus briefly outside of what you are feeling and that may lessen the feeling a bit. Also remember that sometimes anxiety leads to more anxiety about having a panic attack in the future. Remember that they usually and after a few minutes.It would also be helpful for you to keep track of what leads up to your anxiety.Best wishes to you and keep trying until you get connected to someone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been dealing with this for years. My mom thinks I'm overly emotional and refuses to offer any help, like therapy or seeing a doctor. She's seen me when I'm having a panic attack and just said I was faking for attention or that I'm a hypochondriac. I just want to get better.", "answerText": "How old are you?Are you old enough in your State to have therapy without your mother's consent?Your mom's attitude toward you may be one significant reason on why you feels so much tension in the first place.Don't let her opinions and beliefs get in the way of what you know about yourself.Are you in school and does that school have a guidance counselor?Would you talk with that person about your difficult getting your mom to retain helping services for you?Keep looking for local resources which will support you either directly or indirectly by advocating for your right to receive mental health care."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.", "answerText": "Do you think you're abusing xanax?It is a highly addictive drug so maybe one reason you feel compelled to take more is bc you already are addicted.Drugs don't do anything helpful in solving life's problems. Once the effect wears off, the stressful situation is once again waiting for you to address it.Think over your reason for not directly asking your psychologist about upping your dose.Also, do you ever talk about your life problems with this psychologist or only your need for drugs? The more gradual path to a better life is to not need drugs in the first place. This consists of your willingness to face the matters that are creating such terrible feelings inside you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.", "answerText": "Staying on the lower dose may give you more room to learn strategies for coping with your anxiety. Medications are so helpful, and needed at times, but it's also important to have a varietyof tools you use to manage your responses to stress. If you are not already seeing a therapist, consider finding one who can help you learn some effective strategies, like replacing self-defeating thoughts with ones that work better for you, or mindfulness, relaxation, or other tools to keep your anxiety in the manageable range!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.", "answerText": "In general, Xanax is very short-acting.You mentioned that you are afraid that your medical provider will take you off of the Xanax and put you on something else. If the Xanax is not working well for you, I wonder if something else may work better. What is your reasoning there? Also, sometimes there are medications that you can take in addition to Xanax.In addition to talking with your medical provider about changing the medication, try to track your levels of anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10 throughout the day so you can get a pattern of what is happening. Also consider writing down what is happening before you have anxiety attacks. This may help your medical provider know what medication may be helpful to you or what changes could be made.As far as how to discuss this with your medical provider, I would suggest mentioning the symptom changes you are having (anxiety attacks that are not helped with 0.5mg of Xanax) and ask what they would suggest that might help. If your medical provider suggests taking you off of the Xanax, I would recommend talking about the reasons why you would prefer to stay on the Xanax and what your concerns are about coming off of it. You could also ask whether anything could be combined with Xanax.There are also many other anxiety medications. I have seen lots of people that take more than one medication to lessen anxiety that they are having.I would also consider talking with a therapist (unless the person who is prescribing a medication is also doing therapy with you). Getting more information about your anxiety and how it is affecting you may be greatly helpful to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. While counselors work closely with medical providers, and sometimes have discussions about medications with people, we rarely make recommendations about how much or what typeof medicationa person should be taking. This is because prescribing and advising on medication is out of our scope of practice. The only exception would be if a counselor is also a physician, nurse practitioner, physician's assistant, etc. Having said that, I certainly understand that anxiety is a real serious problem that many folks struggle with. If you are currently not in therapy to help you with these panic attacks, you should consider it. Medications can be helpful for anxiety, and medications like Xanax may help for immediate relief, but they do nothing to deal with the root of anxiety and may not help with anxiety long-term. Therapists who have experience in exposure therapies would be good people to start with. Exposure therapy hasgood outcomes for people with anxiety disorders and panic attacks. If you are interested in speaking with your provider about the Xanax, I think explaining it the way you did on here is just fine. The provider will then decide if they feel comfortable increasing your medication. Please remember that medical providers are not trying to give people a hard time. Medications like Xanax really are highly addictive. The more you take, the more you may feel you need. The more often you may feel you need to use it. Depending on the frequency and amount of use, some people suffer serious withdrawal symptoms when they do not take the medication. It is a good idea to talk to medicalprovider about all of those things so that you can partner on right course of action to manage this anxiety. I certainly hope that you get some relief.... I know anxiety is awful.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", "answerText": "I would suggest possibly talking with a physician about all the different types of protection. They may be able to help you to know about all of the options that are available.It sounds like your partner is open to understanding your concerns. Perhaps until you have the chance to speak with someone about the effectiveness of different contraception and forms of protection, are either of you open to other forms of engaging in sexual intimacy (without penetration, but with use of vibrators, toys designed for sexual interactions, etc.)?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", "answerText": "I am wondering who is telling you that sex is dangerous. Is this medical advice, or is this someones opinion trying to scare you from having sex? And if so, how old are you? Is it ok to have sex, do you want to have sex? It sounds like you want to make your partner happy, and that you are taking care of protecting yourself and your partner, but maybe you are forgetting to consider what do you really want. Having sexual relations is a very personal decision; you and your partner have to consent. It is also important to talk about the possible consequences and being responsible for them as well. But sex should be something that you enjoy, not that you should be fearful of. A therapist can help you to process those negative thoughts and feelings that may impair you from enjoying your sexual life.Cmo puedo superar mi miedo de un embarazo no deseado y poder tener sexo otra vez?Estoy aterrorizado de tener sexo porque me han dicho una y otra vez que el sexo es peligroso, inclusive cuando yo y mi pareja usamos dos mtodos de proteccin. Mi pareja no est contenta y simplemente quiere ms sexo, y honestamente, yo quiero darle lo que ella quiere.Me pregunto quin te est diciendo que el sexo es peligroso. Esto es aviso medico, o es alguien intentando asustarte para que no tengas relaciones? Y si es as, que edad tienes? Es apropiado que tengas sexo a tu edad? Quieres tener sexo? Me parece que estas enfocado en hacer feliz a tu pareja, y te ests protegiendo y protegindola, pero tal vez estn olvidando analizar que tu quieres realmente. Recuerda que tener una relacin sexual es una decisin personal, en la que t y tu pareja deben de estar de acuerdo. Tambin es importante hablar de las posibles consecuencias de tener relaciones, como un embarazo, y discutir sus opciones e intenciones, si eso ocurriera. Ya que han tenido comunicacin al respecto, el sexo debe ser algo que disfruten, no que temen. Un terapista te puede ayudar a procesar esos pensamientos negativos y los sentimientos que te pudieran impedir disfrutar de tu vida sexual."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", "answerText": "Maybe you'll feel less fear by understanding that whoever told you sex was dangerous, was wrong.If this message came from your upbringing, then it may a deeply embedded belief.Since the belief itself instructs to avoid risk, and overturning this belief requires taking the risk to believe the logic that reasonable safe sex measures are adequate protection, give yourself time to absorb this new understanding.Talk w your partner about your psychological difficulty bc their patience will help you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", "answerText": "Alot of our choices have to do with what we have been taught and partly our fear of trusting ourselves to do what is right. There is so much more going on within you than you realize. We can help you bring it to the surface. Please contact us when you can and in whatever way you can to discuss what's going on with you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's especially bad at night time. I am scared of sleeping alone.", "answerText": "Being able to know you feel anxiety and write about it, is the first step to addressing and handling it!Generally, anxiety is deep fear of not being able to handle what comes up in life.Somehow the person was insufficiently nurtured and so felt insecure when very young.Usually the person had to fend on at least a psychological and emotional level for themselves before reaching an age when doing so would have been reasonable.Their inner feeling of overwhelmed from when very young, hasn't faced the reality that the grown person is now capable, even if this takes some practice.Try asking yourself what you are afraid of and theorize how you would handle these situations as a grown person.Also, sometimes anxiety comes from feeling lonely. This loneliness is reminiscent of the loneliness that the grown person now, felt when being left to take care of situations as a child which were too difficult and complex for any child to address."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry.", "answerText": "Does anyone notice that you get sick and cry on track meet days?Have you told anyone?From what you write, as much as you would like to please your school and dad, something within you doesn't quite want to fully follow through.Step one in life always is to know what you want and what your limits are. It already is difficult to avoid listening to your body.Try understanding what is difficult in telling your father that you'd like doing as he wishes, only are not able to do so because you are emotionally and physically distraught on the days you have track.After finishing the season for this year with your school's track team, then expect to concentrate on taking care of your own need to not do track.Hopefully your father will understand and care about your problem. If he does not and track is more important than your well being, then you have a different problem entirely."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are no longer committed to track emotionally. It can be hard to talk to your dad about this, but he may think you love track and may not know you are getting so upset the days of meets. An idea would be to first write a letter to your dad to see what feelings come out and then preparing to speak with him. I think he will appreciate your honesty and maybe this conversation will bring you relief and also time to find something you really will enjoy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm socially awkward. I've always want to be popular. I've had the opportunity to be popular, but every time I get i,t I'm too scared. All I have to do is talk the popular people. They're really nice to me, but I'm too scared of change. I really want to work up the courage to lose my fear.", "answerText": "Change can be uncomfortable, but sometimes those uncomfortable moments are the opportunity for us to be the person we feel we really are. It sounds like you like to spend the time in your head anticipating the worst, why not be in the present and encourage yourself that you can talk to people and it will be okay. By telling yourself it will not be okay, or that it will go wrong you are hurting your confidence to do what you want. Give yourself some credit for being awesome and tell yourself you can build new friendships...it may be the motivation you need to move past this fear."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I often get the feeling that I'm being watched, like video cameras are hidden wherever I am, even at home. I feel like people can see all that I do and are reading my thoughts. Things I read or hear on the radio seem to be about (or meant for) me, and people are talking about me when they whisper.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with worry about being continuously monitored, with no privacy even in your own mind, and as if people are constantly saying things about you in whispers on in the media. It's hard to say from a post online what is at the root of this experience, but you may be able to get insight into that, as well as develop ways of coping with the distress of feeling this way, with the help of a good therapist. There is no pill or technique that can guarantee that this experience will go away, though it might, however, there are things that you can do so that you can understand it better and so that it does not have such an impact on your ability to lead a satisfy life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a bad habit of thinking and worrying about what others may think of me. I really want to stop it and enjoy things.", "answerText": "Thinking about what others think of us is a natural tendency. Human beings are social creatures and rely on feedback from the outside world of people, places, and things to let us know more about ourselves. We also have an inner voice, dialogue, conscience, etc. that helps us to determine the path for us. Often, when someone is worried about the external feedback, and focuses on this as the sole source of information, it can create a dependency that can become problematic. Balance is key to so many things in life. Your own voice is powerful and has strength to provide you the enjoyment you seek. Don't discount it and rely only on the voices of others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?", "answerText": "you can learn lots of skills/techniques to feel more confident in what you need to do that will decrease your anxious response for sure! :) And you can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention. You may find that \"talking\" to others through the internet is more comfortable and you are great at it, or that you love one on one talking but aren't really made for group talking. There is a place in this world for you either way! Public speaking skills can be practiced in speech class, or toastmaster group, they will give you practice in a safe environment where the cool kids or cutest boy aren't ready to laugh at you. What topics are you interested in and what groups can you do a little speaking up? Maybe in your small group at church try and raise you hand to share your opinion, or maybe your Girl Scout troop? Look around for a peer and one adult who you like to hear speak out, ask them to share with you 2 things that help them feel comfortable speaking in public. Check out some Ted Talks and see how they share in groups. Social anxiety is a difficult concern and picking apart what is your awesome personality and what needs skill building and mindfulness/anxiety help are important steps. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?", "answerText": "Since anxiety usually about anticipating a bad result, or fear of being judged negatively, as though having failed some sort of test, consider what would give you the feeling of anticipating a good result from talking to an audience?Maybe, for example, if you prepared and rehearsed your talk more than what you typically would, you'd feel more secure in speaking in front of an audience.Once you sort through your particular reason as to the source of your discomfort, it may feel more manageable.Yes, social anxiety can change. You may naturally prefer smaller groups than an audience.And, it is possible to decrease anxiety in what may always be somewhat uncomfortable for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been having a lot of nightmares where I am being killed in different ways. I either wake up in a panic or just crying and sweating. It has made me terrified of falling asleep and is now affecting my daily life too. Can I make the nightmares stop?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Sleep problems, including insomnia and even the nightmares that you are writing about, are really common for people and so many people suffer from them. Here are a few things to consider or to try: 1. Have you changedor started taking any new medication lately? Medications can certainly affect your sleep and some can even cause vivid or frightening dreams. If you are taking a new medication, talk to your provider about the nightmares, this may be the cause. 2. Stress can certainly increase our difficulty with sleep and can also begin to affect our dream states. The dreams may not make much sense, but then again even good dreams don't always make much sense. Ask yourself, do I have any new or renewed stressors in my life? Work, school, relationships, health.... all of these areasand many more are places where stress can hide out. If this is the case, talk with your provider or consider seeing a counselor who may be able to help. 3. Something to consider is that once we start to have anxiety or stress about something, we can begin to obsess about it. My guess is that going to bed for sleep is no longer a pleasant thing for you. Your stress and fear of what may happen when you sleep could start way before you actually go to bed. This could increase your chances of having another bad dream. Try relaxation techniques before going to bed. If you have YouTube, you can pull up \"Guided Meditation for Sleep\" exercises to help you relax. There are many different ones to choose from. You may also want to try deep breathing.4. There are self-help ideas for managing bad nightmares. If you Google search \"Nightmare Rescripting\" or \"Nightmare Exposure\" you may find some ideas and instructions on how to manage dreams. I hope these ideas help. Be well... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.", "answerText": "Have you spoken to him about your fears? Perhaps you can explain this feeling to him and let him know what might lead to feeling more secure. Also, it is important to trust your intuition! Perhaps there are good reasons to feel concerned. It may not be paranoia - it may be based in reality!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.", "answerText": "Paranoid is a mental disorder word. That is a strong word I think to use in this situation. Honestly the bottom like is either you don't trust him for some reason or you are insecure with yourself. Which is it? Do some soul searching to help you figure which one it is. Work on either discussing why you don't trust him and work on building that trust ....or why you feel you are not good enough and work on that."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm concerned about my boyfriend. I suffer from anxiety, but I always have this feeling he wants to hurt me because he told me he was interested in BDSM intercourse. We haven't tried it, but I've had this feeling he always wants to.", "answerText": "Hello! Thank you for your question. There are few things that people find more personal than their sexual relationships. When we feel connected to our partner, sex can be best thing since sliced bread. However, if we feel disconnected in some way, sex can feel degrading and even painful. I dont know the specifics about your relationship or how comfortable you are in talking to your boyfriend, but this is one of those situations where communicating your fears is a good idea. The only exception to that would be if you believe he is actually a threat to you in some way. If you believe that, then you should do whatever you think is safe. It sounds like there is a part of you that is already afraid of him, and if that is the case then remaining safe is your top priority. Assuming you are able to share with him your feelings, telling him what you are and are not interested in sexually is very appropriate and sexually healthy. Sex is something that is supposed to be enjoyable for all parties. All parties should feel respected and able to say no to absolutely anything they are not comfortable with. I call the respectful agreement between sexual partners, sex trust. Sex Trust means your partner respects your boundaries. It means they wont degrade you sexually with hurtful words, forced sex, or forcing or coercing sex in ways someone is not interested in having. Your personal safety and mental well-being is what is most important. Now, if there is a part of you that is curious about BDSM and may be interested in participating in it, there are many websites that you can explore to learn information. I will warn you, some websites and articles are better or worse than others, but you may at least feel more informed. Many people engage in BDSM and have happy relationships, but again, it completely depends on what each person in the relationship wants. It is also important to know that BDSM is notjust one thing and people practice it differently based on comfort. If it is something you are uncomfortable with, then you shouldnt feel obligated to do it. I hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get so much anxiety, and I dont know why. I feel like I cant do anything by myself because Im scared of the outcomes.", "answerText": "This is a very common question in my practice. Panic attacks typically emerge from an underlying issue (ex. Depression, low self-esteem, fears). To decrease your anxiety symptoms its recommended to seek treatment with a therapist who specializes in working with anxiety disorders and most importantly one with whom you feel comfortable with.In my practice I educate clients about their anxiety and discuss building a framework with helpful tools for decreasing anxiety:1. Starting a daily mindfulness practice. For example: listening to guided meditation; engaging in deep breathing exercises; yoga practice; or other positive calming activities.2. Understand your negative and positive thoughts. Many times we tend to focus on the potential for bad things to happen. Increase positive self-talk when feeling down or when anxious. For example: \"I don't need to worry, I am calm and relaxed\". 3. Exposure to fearful or anxious situations. This can be accomplished under the care of a mental health professional. Many times we shy away from things that make us feel uncomfortable or insecure. This may led to an increase in isolating behaviors resulting in difficulty in performing things we were once able to do. For example: leaving the house; presenting in front of others; going to social events; and having conversations with people. However, the more we expose ourselves and practice the use of our positive coping skills (ex. deep breathing) the chances of anxiety will decrease. I hope this was helpful. Keep in mind, a therapist can help with guiding you through self relaxation and improvement."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get so much anxiety, and I dont know why. I feel like I cant do anything by myself because Im scared of the outcomes.", "answerText": "The other two post answers to your question are very good and I don't feel the need to repeat what has already been said quite well, but I will offer one other option I have been able to utilize quite successfully with those dealing with panic attacks. Chain analysis is a fantastic way for your to map out the situation starting with the prompting event, the chain of events ((links) that lead up to the behavior - in this case a panic attack, and then what the consequences were. See the illustration below:This is very useful in that it lays everything out for you to see so that it becomes possible to alter one of the links leading up to the unwanted behavior (panic attack), allows you to come up with strategies for similar situations (prompting events) and allows you to understand how you are reinforcing the behavior when it does occur (consequences). Finally - it would also allow you to identify any particular vulnerabilities, such as not enough sleep, poor nutrition, trauma history or having a cold the time it occurred.Working with someone who utilizes a behavioral approach, such as DBT or behavioral analysis, you can find solutions that replace one of the links and therefore breaks the chain of events."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get so much anxiety, and I dont know why. I feel like I cant do anything by myself because Im scared of the outcomes.", "answerText": "Anxiety is simply your system communicating to you that you are in danger. The issue that I see in most of my clients is that they try to reason with this anxiety. You do not reason with sensory states in the body. If your system tells your in danger (your stomache feels like it is knots, your heart is beating out of your chest,) validate by just being present with it. Take your breath to it. Breath in and out of that space. Say ok, I am in danger. I always tell my clients, \"a crying baby wants to be held, not told to shut up.\" Listen to your system, validate it like you do a child and see what happens."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get so much anxiety, and I dont know why. I feel like I cant do anything by myself because Im scared of the outcomes.", "answerText": "The are two ways that such anxiety can be dealt with. One is an attempt to replace maladaptive thinking by examining the distorted thinking and resetting the fight-or-flight response with more reasonable, accurate ones. As an example \"I'm scared of spiders.\" But if you change the thinking from being scared to \"I'm bigger than the spider,\" it allows the mind to reach a calmer state of mind.Mindfulness-based therapy can also help focus on the bodily sensations that arise when you feel anxious. Instead of avoiding or withdrawing from these feelings, remain present and fully experience the symptoms of anxiety. Instead of avoiding distressing thoughts, open up to them in an effort to realize and acknowledge that they are not literally true.Although it may seem counter-intuitive, fully realizing the experience of anxiety enables the release of over identification with negative thoughts. You can practice responding to disruptive thoughts, and letting these thoughts go.By remaining present in the body, you'll learn that the anxiety being experienced is merely a reaction to perceived threats. By positively responding to threatening events instead of being reactive you can overcome an erroneous fight-or-flight response."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I started dating my fianc two years ago. My first cousin is married to my fiancs sister. There has always been a communication issue between my uncle and aunt and my cousin and his wife. My uncle goes to my mom instead of talking to my cousin, and it upsets my mom.", "answerText": "Based on the information provided, this is an issue with boundaries. Sounds like your uncle goes to your mom and possibly your mothertakes the issuesto you. I do not like to assume so I will direct you to information regarding families dealing with enmeshment and triangulation. Enmeshment is the concept of diffused boundaries in families and other personal relationships. Triangulation istwo individuals relaying information to a third party what cannot be said directly to each other.From someone who has dealt withboththese issues ona personal level,being informed aboutfamily dynamics is beneficial and can helpyou develop healthy boundaries for yourselfwithin your family structure. You may need assistance with developing healthy boundaries. Although it is possible, it is not easy to change the way you have been operating for any extended amount of time. Hope this help!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I started dating my fianc two years ago. My first cousin is married to my fiancs sister. There has always been a communication issue between my uncle and aunt and my cousin and his wife. My uncle goes to my mom instead of talking to my cousin, and it upsets my mom.", "answerText": "When you're upset about something, the first question you can ask yourself is \"Whose problem is this?\" It is amazing how many problems will disappear right at that point, because you realize the problem isn't even yours. You can't fix everything in your family. You are starting a new family of your own, and it's time to create a protective bubble around your family unit that keeps other people's issues away. I tell myself \"Not my pig, not my farm, not my problem.\" When you stop trying to take care of other people's problems, they are more likely to step up and deal with it themselves. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I have to speak in public or be in big crowds, I freak out. I get light-headed, sweaty, and I have trouble breathing.", "answerText": "Basically, your response is the fight, flight or freeze reaction which is hard wired into the human nervous system, specifically, theautonomic nervous system (called the autonomic response). This system is responsible for regulating the heart, digestion, respiratory rate as well as other aspects which match the symptoms you describe. It is largely an unconscious function, but with training it can be managed such as a public speaking course in which you prepare and even have some exposure to smaller experiences to help you prepare and cope for larger presentations. One of the greatest applications of addressing this response is the NASA program which exposes the astronauts to situations they will encounter while in space which will trigger the response so that when it does happen (not if but when) that they are able to move through the challenge with success. You can learn more about his by going to TED Talks What I learned about going blind in space It is a truly inspiring look at what you are experiencing as well as how to deal with it. With that being said, finding a program like a Dale Carnegie Public Speaking program can help. Working with a counselor who can help you utilize visualization of an upcoming speech has been shown to help and you can always talk to your doctor to see what options might be available there as well. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I have to speak in public or be in big crowds, I freak out. I get light-headed, sweaty, and I have trouble breathing.", "answerText": "As you do it more, it should get better or at less with less anxiety. Anxiety is normal for most when speaking in public. I hear this from even the best of facilitators who have been doing it for years. I even experienced that when I first became a counselor and had to lead classes. I asked myself why were I so anxious? I admit at that time I didn't have confidence in myself. The more I prepared and practiced, the more my confidence level increased. Yours will too..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a teenage girl. I've been seeing the same dream once in a while since I was very young. The problem is that I don't remember anything about this dream. I still know that it's the same one, and then I wake up in a panic, and I cry really loud without knowing the reason. Why do I see the same dream, why can I not remember it, and what should I do to remember it?", "answerText": "There is no scientifically established formula for understanding dreams, that I know about, however, many people get a great deal of value from exploring what their dreams mean. It is believed by many that our dreams contain metaphors that represent meaningful patterns in our lives and relationships and if we pay attention to them we can learn important things about ourselves. One thing you might try, to see if you can get more insight into the dream and possibly begin remembering things, is to take note of whatever you do remember, any details about your experience, such as when do you wake up from the dream, how do you feel, both emotionally and physically, what are you thinking about when you wake up, is there any pattern in terms of what happens to you in your waking life around the time you have this dream... If you can keep a journal or a recording device to speak into by your bed, you can try to record whatever you do remember and notice as soon as you wake up. People seem to have more difficulty remembering dreams, the more time they let go by before attempting to record the dream, or if you go back to sleep before recording what you remember."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He loves me a lot, and I love him. It hurts to be apart from him for so long. It hurts all over, and then I feel like it won't last.", "answerText": "I would suggest that you look up the word codependency and it's characteristics. See if you relate to those characteristics. I have a feeling you have suffered some form of loss in your life that you have not dealt with properly. For some reason you are depending on your boyfriend to fill that loss. Considering working with a counseling to work through your emotions and resolve any lingering issues."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I started seeing this guy that I met at a mutual friends place. He recently broke up with his ex-girlfriend and started seeing me. Everything was great in the beginning, then I started having low self-esteem thoughts and thinking he was hanging with his ex-girlfriend again. Its all I think about. I am still seeing him, but things have changed because I am at a loss for words. I get stuck in my own thoughts. I like and care for him a lot. He just makes me nervous and gives me the butterflies.", "answerText": "Sounds like you are struggling with your own negative thoughts. As you stated, everything was great then you started having low self-esteem thoughts and thinking. What is contributing to these negative thoughts? His actions or your past experiences with unhealthy relationships would be my question.."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have not had a friend since I was 19. I don't go anywhere, and I have no job, all because I'm afraid of people.", "answerText": "Individual and/or group therapy can be a powerful antidote for social anxiety. Often in therapy, the things that tend to get in the way of our securing satisfying and lasting personal relationships will appear in some way in the therapy relationship and a competent therapist will be able to help you work through this anxiety, in a sensitive way, and eventually encourage you to seek out the personal relationships that you want. In group therapy, you have an opportunity to have a relationship not only with the therapist, but several other people who are all in the group in order to give and receive mutual support to one another."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. Ive been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. Im paranoid about driving on main roads. Im very jumpy at the slightest noises.", "answerText": "Given the description you have posted here, it may be time to find someone to work with. First and foremost, look into working with someone who specializes in working with individuals with challenges surrounding drinking. This would need to be assessed first since if it has been ongoing, it may be making the situation worse and given the time it has been utilized as a coping mechanism, there is reason to believe that the structure of your brain may have been effected as has been demonstrated by current neurological research. There are however, ways to address this. As for coping mechanisms, the person you work with should also look at offering you alternatives such as the skills found within the Dialectic Behavior Therapy model (DBT) which has several useful tools to help address the underlying anxiety and difficulty managing emotional regulation. Mindfulness, another component of DBT should also prove to be useful in both becoming aware of your state of mind and emotional state to allow you to make different choices which has been supported by a growing body of evidence. There are also other tools designed to help repair damaged relationships. Well worth looking into.Seeking help is never easy and it is only human to be hesitant given some of the cultural views of working with therapist. This is a difficult place to be in and one that is not easy to move out of, but sitting on it is not going to help it go away. Think of it this way, if you broke your arm, would you just wrap it up and hope for the best? or seek out a professional to help you set the break and teach you how to mend the wound. The same applies here. Think of it as first aid for the mind."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. Ive been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. Im paranoid about driving on main roads. Im very jumpy at the slightest noises.", "answerText": "Sorry hearing about the big amount of stress which you are feeling at this time.Since a lot of your stress is directed to uncertainty of whether your wife is happy being with you, would you consider continuing the conversation with her about your understanding of her answer to you?Your observation that she says one thing and behaves in a different way, is meaningful.Bringing your point to her attention would at the very least demonstrate her interest in showing and explaining her viewpoint about you.Basically, you'd be expecting her to care about you and how she handles herself with this question, may clarify what you're trying to find out.The good news about your relationship with alcohol, is that you realize you're overdoing it.From what you write, the emotional pain and helplessness you feel currently, seem too much to know about all at once.One possibility is to accept your feelings of hurt and insecurity. This is the first step of working with them. If they start feeling overwhelming, then maybe too, you can distract yourself for a while from the intensity by engaging in an activity that is not self-harming.After all, you are the most important person in your life, so keep yourself safe and healthy!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out", "answerText": "I think you have identified something important here. It's not unusual to experience feelings that don't seem to match up with what your rational mind recognizes.In this case, it sounds like a part of you recognizes that the people around you do not find you \"annoying and bothersome.\" Despite knowing that people like you, it seems that there's still a part of you that feels like you're a bother.Finding a local counselor who can work with you to process those feelings might be just the help you need."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out", "answerText": "\"Where you put your attention is where you will go\". I forget who said this first, but it's very powerful. If all you think about and talk about is how annoying you think you might be, that will get annoying. Your intense self reflection is lovely; it will help you monitor yourself so that you're not affecting others negatively, but your alarm is going off too easily here and you risk having the opposite effect.You don't have to be perfect. She's with you, so she probably likes you as you are. She seems to put far less emphasis on your possibly annoying traits. We all have faults and if that's what we focus on, that's all we will see. My hunch is that your most annoying trait might be your negative self-talk. How ironic is that?There's another irony here...your goal is to be a better partner...but when you are self-critical, your focus is on you, not her. Every moment that fear grabs ahold of you is a moment that you're not being present in the actual relationship; you're gazing at your imagined faults. Fear steals your ability to focus on your loving partner.Maybe take a moment to image how she sees you...all of you. Put yourself in her shoes to see the entire you...how are you loving...thoughtful...a good partner? Confidence is a very attractive quality!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out", "answerText": "I'm glad to hear you have friends and that your friends say they like you.Trust your own sense of who you are which tells you that something feels uneasy within yourself.Is the friend who says you're \"just fine\", very familiar with who you are?\"Friend\" is a broad category.She may not know you as fully as you know yourself.Basically, it is possible to be \"fine\" and have some inner stress.Follow your own thoughts and observations to more fully learn about yourself in ways your friend may not notice or be aware."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out", "answerText": "Interesting: How much of your issue is your own self-judging and how much of your perception is real?There are many ways to stop judging and self-judging using Cognitive Theory (CBT). You could find a (CBT) counselor/ therapist to help you reduce your judgments. In addition, I've written extensively about this in my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN (www.LivingYes.org). I recommend you visit the webpage and pick up a copy.As to your own perception: You seem okay being who you are, and your girlfriend agrees. Instead, you appear to be upset by your own guess at what others may be thinking. That's a trap that stresses a lot of folks out. Consider this: Many happy people don't mind what others think of them. And consider this: Many heroic characters in literature and movies are unlikeable. (\"Colombo\" is annoying and bothersome, but we love him. So is Johnny's Depp's Jack Sparrow and many of the roles played by George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, and Jack Nicholson.) Would it be okay with you to be an \"antihero\" in your own life? If you don't want to be an antihero, you have the power to be the person you want. Your behaviors and thoughts are completely under your control. What other people think of you is not under your control. You are completely in the driver's seat here. The choices are all yours. Enjoy who you are, and use your will power to make yourself who you want to be! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a little paranoid. My mind does get the best of me. One night, I put chairs under all of my door knobs because I thought someone might break in. I also think a lot, which is probably the reason for the paranoia. I can't stand loud noises, like the sound of cars going by. The grocery store is too noisy, and I feel like people are looking at me.", "answerText": "Paranoid people don't realize they are paranoid. They believe their actions to be reasonable responses to potential threats.From what you write, you are aware that your actions may be understood as extreme.Instead of trying to fit your behavior into a negative psychological category, try seeing each of the behaviors you list here, as your own uniqueness.This way you will become more tolerant of what very well be your natural tendencies.If you are someone who needs a lot of time in quiet, then not liking loud noises doesn't make you paranoid, it is simply the way of who you are.One possible way of feeling better is if you would accept the answers you've developed so far for yourself. They may be a little unusual compared to what we consider mainstream. From what you describe, you already are dealing with what you call \"paranoia\"."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I go to school, I feel like everyone is judging me, even my friends. I get overwhelmed which these thoughts and sometimes cannot get out of what I call a deep hole of thoughts. I barely go to any of our school dances because of all of the people. Not even when I am completely alone do these thoughts go away. I still feel like people can see me and are judging me.", "answerText": "It sounds like a couple of things are going on here; you are noticing yourself feeling judged by the people around you and that you are avoiding social activities and in addition to this you have intrusive thoughts that you are being judged, even when alone. It sounds like these thoughts are pretty distressing and you are wondering what is happening to you. Many people who come to therapy experience intrusive and distressing thoughts of various kinds, which often influence their behavior in ways that they may not like, such as leading them to isolate. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of your distress as well as learn ways to cope and eventually alleviate this distress so that you can have satisfaction and security in your life and relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Recently, I had a close call after delivering my second child (blood clot followed by internal bleeding and several blood transfusions). It was a close call. I am currently undergoing medical treatment because of the event, and I am constantly afraid the whole ordeal will happen again. I have never really had anxiety in the past, but I find now that it consumes my every day and night. With two beautiful children to raise, I am most terrified of not being able to raise and protect them.", "answerText": "Hi Meriden, it's natural that after a serious scare like that you would have some anxiety and fear. This fear is helpful to some extent, because it will assist you in taking care of yourself and not taking unnecessary risks with your health. You can say \"thanks very much\" to fear for trying to protect you, and then you can take steps to reduce it. Right now, fear is working overtime and stealing your quality of life. You can work to put it into perspective.I invite you to imagine that your job is to convince fear that you don't need it screaming in your ear constantly in order to be as safe as you can be. Imagine that fear is in front of you. It's saying \"hey, you need me! If I wasn't keeping you alert, you would be very ill\". Fear doesn't trust you to take care of yourself.What is the evidence you are caring for yourself and doing everything you can to prevent a recurrence? What is the evidence that this won't likely happen again (it was specifically connected to the stress of labour, right?). What is the evidence from your doctor that this is unlikely to recur? What is the evidence that you are healing? What is the evidence that you are very aware of the danger and will respond quickly if there is a recurrence? What is the evidence that worrying about it will hurt you, not help you? How many hours of your life do you want to hand over to fear?Fear is trying to keep you safe, but you can turn the volume down by talking to yourself about all these things. I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I constantly have this urge to throw away all my stuff. Its constantly on my mind and makes me feel anxious. I dont sleep because Im thinking about something I can get rid of. I dont know why I do it. I started years ago when I lived with my dad then I stopped when I moved in with my mom. Years later, it has started again.", "answerText": "Since you wrote that you noticed a change in your throwing away urge when you changed with which parent you lived, would you feel that throwing away things is connected to wanting to be done with certain areas of influence with either parent?Play in your mind with the metaphor of \"throwing away\" and whatever associations you feel toward this. Are you feeling alarmed or freed, by throwing away things? I'm only suggesting these, not telling you that they apply necessarily.Anxiety comes up when people feel helpless to manage a meaningful part of their lives. So pay attention whether your stuff represents difficult scenarios or phases of your growing up years. Possibly you are trying to rid yourself of painful feelings which were part of your early years' relationship with either parent.Basically, sounds as though you are trying to establish a clearer sense of who you are and the throwing away part is a means of discovering who you are, once all the clutter is released."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I met a guy a while ago, and I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I love him, but I don't think I know him. What if he is not who I think he is? I cry sometimes thinking someone is going to be with him or that he has a girlfriend. I don't know, am I too obsessive? Every time we talk though, it's like magic. He makes me feel amazing, but what if I'm mistaken?", "answerText": "Keller, it sounds like you're living this relationship in your mind, instead of in the real world. You can get answers to your questions by talking to him...getting to know him will answer all the curiosities you have. You're asking the questions in your head instead of being in the friendship.So what is it that gets in the way of actually asking the questions and getting to know him? Fear of rejection? Fear of something else? If you have fear that keeps you from having fulfilling friendships, I recommend a therapist to help you work through that. I wish you well. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way.", "answerText": "How is your boyfriend responding to your discomfort around him?Has he told you that he's noticed changes in you?The good news about a relationship is that you can talk about matters with the other person. Doing so can only help clarify feelings and what either of you expect from the relationship. Given that the two of you recently moved in together, it is natural for new dynamics, feelings and expectations to arise. It just adds to the reasonableness of talking with each other about how living together feels to each of you.Psychiatrists earn their living by diagnosing people and telling them to take pills. Very often, just being told the person has a \"condition\" makes them feel fragile and less capable than they actually are.Anxiety and panic attacks do mean that there is a great deal of emotion and situation needing to be addressed.It is the normal sign of having to address many or deep matters. Be patient and give yourself time to learn the details of your relationship and whatever the career particulars are that are bothering you. You're apparently self-aware since you're the one describing your own problematic situations. Keep the label of being \"disordered\", aside. Psychiatry labels do more good for psychiatrists than they do for people who are trying to live their lives."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way.", "answerText": "Hi New Jersey,You talk about two very big changes in your life that have happened lately; the diagnosis/anxiety, and the moving in together. That's a lot!I love how you recognise that you been 'questioning everything'. I think anxiety's got its toe in the door and it's pushing you around, wanting some power over you. Fear and anxiety try to convince us that we need protection and that it's best to either pull away or fight. But letting anxiety control how you see your relationship isn't the answer here. I think you know that already.You must have moved in with him for a reason, and it's appropriate now to simply trust that, to ask him for some patience, and to focus on learning to manage the anxiety rather than questioning this decision to move in. Fear is getting in the way of you trusting yourself and your decision. You can figure the anxiety piece out while living with your boyfriend.When you're in a bit of a crisis is not the right time to make a major change. I suggest you use a therapist who works with cognitive behavioural therapy to learn to manage the anxiety, and then the relationship will likely seem more clear."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My toddler defies everything I say and doesnt see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.", "answerText": "Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens.Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter \"do this now\", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say \"let's get you dressed\", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says \"no\". You can say \"ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later.\" The choice is hers. Then follow through.\"When...then\" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try \"as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack\". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it.Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My toddler defies everything I say and doesnt see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.", "answerText": "That's a good question. I would say learn to pick your battles. What types of behavior/situations can you let go of? If you allow yourself to worry about the various areas in life that you cannot control, you will find yourself stressed out and unable to manage everything.Know that toddlerhood comes with lots of \"no's,\" tantrums, non-compliance, and a growing need forindependence. When your toddler does something that you don't approve of, remain calm, explain to him/her the appropriate way to act, and model it for him/her. Remember to give your toddler praise when he/she does something good or acceptable. Be consistent and follow through with your instructions. Finally, know that you are not alone. Parenting comes with its set of challenges but all you can do is your very best. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My toddler defies everything I say and doesnt see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.", "answerText": "Trust that you are a good mother and that you love your child.Trust and love are their own authority and come from a different inner place than the urge to be obeyed.Trust and love are effective guidance and usually feel happier and lighter too!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was violently raped by another women who was my friend of 13 years. Im having bad flashbacks. Im scared to sleep because I see it in my dreams. I don't leave the house because I have panic attacks.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for your suffering.There are therapy programs which help people to gradually feel more at ease so that daily living does not feel so frightening.Once you feel stronger and more secure from such a behavioral program, you'll be able to sleep more peacefully and leave the house whenever necessary to do your regular life.Then, you will be able to open and clear the deep emotional hurt that always occurs from being violated by a trusted friend.Sending good wishes in your work!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. Im worried that, at this rate, I wont have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.", "answerText": "Hi Winters, I'm so glad you wrote, because I think there are a lot of young women experiencing the exact same thing. You feel self-loathing for both being a virgin, and for being sexually active. Young women have always gotten crazy mixed messages about what they're supposed to be. They feel pressure to be pure, and they also feel pressure to be the vixen and please men sexually. But you can't be both, so you can't ever win if you buy into all that horse manure (excuse my language).This current hook-up culture puts added pressure on girls to expect nothing more than random sexual encounters that leave you feeling empty and used; perhaps desirable in that moment but mostly worthless. The stupid part is that research tells us that young men are also impacted negatively by this cultural norm that values sex and not relationship; they feel guilt, and loneliness. I urge you to talk to other girls and women about your feelings. My hope and prayer is that they will echo my words here.Your value and power cannot ever be found in whether a man wants you, whether you turn his eye, or how he treats you. Your sexuality is a beautiful part of who you are, and it is to be celebrated. I love that you want to celebrate it with someone who cares. Who you are is so very much more than your sexuality. You sound like you have a lot of things going for you. Try to see all of those things when you think of yourself.There are many more virgins out there, and many are afraid, like you, that they don't fit in. We are all different, and you don't have to be anything but who you want to be; who you are. You don't have to have any kind of sex until you're ready, and that makes you brave and smart, not weird.You're tall and beautiful, and guys may be intimidated by that. It may take time for you to meet the right guy, but he's out there. The question is: How do you want to spend your time until he crosses your path?I hope you talk to someone soon and find out that your feelings are normal. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. Im worried that, at this rate, I wont have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.", "answerText": "I think that every person who has been single for any extended period of time has felt the same worries - myself included. Since relationships are so important to us we fear not having them and being single. It is similar to fearing that we won't ever get a good job when we have been out of work for awhile or fearing that we won't be healthy when we have been sick. We fear these things because they are so important - not because these fears are realistic or true!There is immense pressure put on young single people from peers and media to conform to ideas of what is normal and to meet expectations in terms of sexual experience, dating, etc. While some people may judge an adult who is a virgin - others will respect your choices and feel even more attracted to you because of your choices. Experimenting with sex, so long as you are being safe and respectful is also completely okay and normal.Since expectations vary and we can't be happy if we are always comparing ourselves to other people, we need to ultimately trust that being who we are and building a loving relationship with ourselves is the key to meeting someone who will cherish us for all the ways that we are special and unique, virgin or not. When we are able to really accept ourselves and trust in our loveableness (not a real word but you get what I mean!) then meeting someone special is simply a matter of time and effort - putting ourselves out in the world in situations where we are likely to meet other single people looking for relationships.When you are most afraid of being alone - remember that this fear is simply a reminder of how much you value relationships. Use that passion about wanting relationships to build the best relationship you can with yourself and then one day soon some lucky person will stumble into your life and benefit immensely from your passion and your ability to be authentically who you are rather than pretending to be \"normal\" or whatever that is anyway. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. Im worried that, at this rate, I wont have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.", "answerText": "It is very hard to want a loving relationship, and either see or imagine all around you, the great times other couples are having. Extra hard is that other people's comments may start giving you the sense that you are letting them down to not have a relationship!All the fantasies that develop from viewing Facebook photos and imagining everyone or most people in ideal relationships, just augments any frustration of not being part of this group.Your post sounds like you're being true to yourself and honoring who you are really, by developing clear standards of what you'd expect from a relationship.For the longterm, whatever develops in your relationship life, you will always be able to look back and know you had self-integrity.By being your natural self, you're being attractive. Probably very unlikely that a young woman who would like a relationship, will never have one.Maybe the young men in your school are not yet emotionally mature enough to know how to see and appreciate you.Even though it may be hard, have patience with bringing in someone who is good for you. And, continue your keen insight of yourself because it is guiding you to be the best in all areas of living.Sending good luck in all areas!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. Im worried that, at this rate, I wont have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.", "answerText": "I think one of the first questions that springs to mind for me is, \"what's the rush?\" Just because other people in your circle have had experiences that you are still warming up to does not mean that there's something wrong or something to be ashamed of. If anything, I want to commend you on the self-respect you have in wanting to wait and share this most intimate of experiences with someone that will feel the same way about it. One of the most common distortions in our thinking is when we try to directly compare ourselves to others; while these people and even those in your family share a level of closeness to you they are not exactly like you - they don't see or feel things in the exact same way as you nor do they share the exact same perspective. It's important to be making choices for you and for your own desires and life goals. Once you stop comparing your happiness, you may find that you are already experiencing it and allow more of your guard to fall down."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For my whole life, Ive been very unconfident, insecure, and self-questioning. I'm super quiet because I'm scared of what people will think of me. I avoid all social situations as it causes me great anxiety. It is how both of my parents have always been, and I feel like I'm doomed to that life also. It makes it super hard for me at work as the other employees try to use me and walk all over me because Im too nice. It causes me depression and brings me down. Im in my early twenties, and I really need to create a better life for myself. I've been like this for so long, so how do I change?", "answerText": "One of the greatest ways that we can promote ourselves s by learning how to assert ourselves. Despite what most people think of when they hear the word assertive, assertive communication is one of the best ways to manage interpersonal conflict as well as maintain personal boundaries. Once we become comfortable with acknowledging our boundaries, there is usually a follow-up whereby we realize that we have the right to those boundaries. In effect, assertiveness communication becomes it's own self-motivating force in managing positive self-esteem. You may want to invest in a workbook that can help you to develop these skills on your own, or work directly with a therapist to develop them in a safe situation. One of the Workbooks that I have found to be very helpful is, \"The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships\" by Randy J Paterson."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. Im also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?", "answerText": "Hi there. I have to commend you on reaching out to get some answers on why you are feeling the way that you are feeling. A lot of people secretly go about their lives every day feeling this way because they are too afraid of what the answer might be.First off, what stressors do you have in your life right now? Financial, relationship and unemployment are all common stressors for people. They can often make it difficult for us to sleep at night due to the constant racing thoughts and wonders of how you will deal with it all.Secondly, do you have a history of depression or does depression run in your family? Some of the symptoms listed here in this question (i.e. trouble sleeping, constant fatigue, too much sleep, anger & anxiety) are all common symptoms of depression. Often times, these symptoms can be overlooked and mistaken for \"just being tired.\"Furthermore, it's important to ask yourself, if you are feeling worthless, problems with concentration and recurrent thoughts of death. If you are having these symptoms, please seek help IMMEDIATELY.Lastly, considering your stated symptoms I would recommend reaching out to your Doctor for further consult. It's always better to be safe and the earlier you catch the symptoms the faster you will get to feeling better! do Some helpful tips for the your Doctor would be to monitor your sleep habits (i.e. how much or little are you sleeping), make a list of your triggers for your anger outbursts as well as your triggers for your anxiety attacks.I hope this was helpful and the best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. Im also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?", "answerText": "It sounds as if you may be experiencing a bout of anxiety and/or depression. Sleeping difficulties, irritability and anxiety attacks all are correlated with these mood disorders. And its actually quite common for someone to deal encounter this during their lifetime.Also, keep in mind that just because you are experiencing this now does not mean that you will be dealing with it the rest of your life. Many times, it can be a single episode and if treatment is received, you can help prevent any recurrent episodes.However, you may want to first talk with your primary physician to rule out any medical issues that could be causing these problems. There may be a reason for the sudden onset of these symptoms that can be addressed quickly.On the other hand, if it is determined that you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression without a medical reason, there are two methods that are very helpful in your treatment:#1 Talk therapy with a certified therapistHe/She will be able to address the concerns youre experiencing and discovering if there is an underlying issue that may be causing it.#2 MedicationThere are many medications that can assist you with the feelings that you are experiencing. Your doctor will be able to help you find the right one that works for you. If one doesnt work, keep trying. There are many different options to address your specific needs.Also, a combination of these two options is extremely beneficial!Thank you for your question. I sincerely hope that you feel better soon!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. Im also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are noticing yourself becoming overwhelmed with anxiety, feeling more irritable, and struggling to sleep consistently. There are many possibilities, in regards to what may be contributing to these things you are noticing, and a competent therapist may be able to help. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences as well as develop strategies for coping with and eventually alleviating anxiety, irritability, and inconsistent sleep."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel that I need to end my present relationship. He lives three hours away and likes the reassurance of having someone to talk to multiple times per day and seeing me once or twice a month. I want someone who is more present and more of a life companion. Lately, he has had a very busy work schedule and I have only seen him a few times in the last 6 weeks. I told him that I can't continue in this way because I constantly feel frustrated and angry and that he is not making the relationship enough of a priority. I also feel it is keeping me from possibly finding the relationship I want. We have been together 7 years. The problem is that I panic and experience anxiety and depression thinking of him with someone else and then thinking I will never meet someone I like. We have gone through this cycle already 4-5 times and I feel it is unhealthy to stay in it, but my aversion to the anxiety and depression I experience upon separation always leads me to reconcile.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have some insight into the cycle that you describe with your current relationship and at the same time you are still feeling stuck. It also sounds like the distressing feelings that you experience, when you imagine what will happen for you and your current partner, are pretty overwhelming. A competent therapist may be able to help you work through these difficult thoughts and feelings and find a resolution to this cycle that will feel right to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel that I need to end my present relationship. He lives three hours away and likes the reassurance of having someone to talk to multiple times per day and seeing me once or twice a month. I want someone who is more present and more of a life companion. Lately, he has had a very busy work schedule and I have only seen him a few times in the last 6 weeks. I told him that I can't continue in this way because I constantly feel frustrated and angry and that he is not making the relationship enough of a priority. I also feel it is keeping me from possibly finding the relationship I want. We have been together 7 years. The problem is that I panic and experience anxiety and depression thinking of him with someone else and then thinking I will never meet someone I like. We have gone through this cycle already 4-5 times and I feel it is unhealthy to stay in it, but my aversion to the anxiety and depression I experience upon separation always leads me to reconcile.", "answerText": "Sounds like your panic is less about loosing the relationship you are in (which by the way doesn't sound like it's meeting YOUR need for connection) and more about being alone. Being with him is serving you, even if the relationship is less than ideal, from being alone. Being alone can be scary. You'd have to face yourself. You'd have to learn to love and care for and cherish yourself. All important skills and tasks in maturing and growing up, but scary none the less. What if...What if you gave yourself permission to be in a relationship with YOU?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I struggle with going out and talking to people. I feel awful about leaving home. I know I can't afford a therapist so I don't know what my problem is, but I think I might have social anxiety.", "answerText": "If you are noticing that anxiety tends to be triggered around interactions with others, then you may have social anxiety. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of the anxiety, develop tools for coping with it, and take steps that may alleviate it over time, so that you can enjoy your interactions with others. If you are short on money, there still may be options for you to be able to see a therapist. Check with your insurance provider about your behavioral health coverage. If you have medicaid/apple care, there are some private practice therapists who accept this form of insurance, as well as community clinics which do. If you are not insured, some therapists and clinics will work on a sliding fee scale, and accept either low fee or may even work with you pro-bono (for free)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like theres a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself.", "answerText": "Hi Kansas, I feel strongly that the help of a professional therapist is important here. Feelings are never wrong, but it can help to understand where they come from and talk to someone who can teach you healthy ways to cope. Self-harm is not the answer to managing those emotions you feel in your stomach. Although I'm glad you said something here, a professional would need to spend some time with you and get a deep understanding of your life in order to help you sort all these reactions out effectively. I hope you reach out to someone soon."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like theres a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself.", "answerText": "Sorry to hear of your situation.Possibly you are overlooking that your own Self is someone worth talking to as well.None of us are ever really alone because we are always with ourselves.Self-talk is a major part of what guides our decisions and how we make sense of relationships and situations. Even after telling people the stories or activities, hearing their comments, it is always within ourselves that we decide if the way we were received by these others, the comments we heard back, feel right and accurate to our lives.I hope the feeling of a hole in your stomach would decrease by enjoying your Self. I am guessing that hurting yourself makes the stomach hole feel less bad because the physical pain you create in yourself distracts you from feeling it.Enjoying your Self by talking kindly, loving, and having inner dialogue may very well decrease the feeling of a hole, altogether.Sending lots of good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that Im an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.", "answerText": "While anxiety can come about for many reasons, trauma is definitely one of the factors that makes anxiety a possibility both immediately following a traumatic event and later in life. When we have experienced such scary violations of our bodies - we may experience residual effects of fear for many years to come. This is normal, natural and in many ways helpful - at least initially. This fear is in some way a sign that your body/mind is taking good care of you - trying to keep you on your toes in order to protect you from anything terrible happening to you again. However, as it sounds like you know, anxiety feels awful and there are certainly ways of learning to reduce anxiety. In order to get the tools you need to manage anxiety and also understand where it comes from and how it works in your life, I would encourage you to seek professional help and check out anxiety resources online."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that Im an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.", "answerText": "Hi. Even though (thankfully) your parents responded well to you telling them, and you received treatment, it's possible, and very normal for sexual abuse trauma to affect you in different ways as you age and develop. Please see a therapist, who can help you find the root of the anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that Im an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.", "answerText": "It's not unusual for traumatic experiences that happened when we were younger to stay with us when we get older. Traumatic experiences can become embedded in our bodies, as well as in our emotions. If the issue doesn't get a chance to get resolved within, then external action doesn't necessarily take care of the problem. Seek out a qualified trauma therapist so you can start to deal with the issues you're grappling with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I find myself being very outgoing most of the time, but there are some times when I don't know what to say. I don't even want to talk at all. It's like, I search for the right thing to say and nothing ever comes out. I don't know if I'm outgoing only to fill the void of not knowing what to say. I dont know if people like that about me. I'm very self-conscious and always think people are talking about me, so it makes me have a cold shoulder and not want to talk.", "answerText": "Would you feel more secure in conversations if instead of talking soon after meeting someone or entering a social situation, you simply listened attentively to the other people?This way you'd have a more secure idea of what topics the group likes talking about and whether you like talking about these topics as well.Maybe you simply are in groups or situations in which you don't care for the people or focus.Start by trusting your own evaluation of your true interest in being among the groups in which you are.Maybe you simply need new and different groups."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job.", "answerText": "Overwhelming fear, social anxiety and depression are especially painful because they make behaving constructively a challenge. But there are also lots of examples of folks who have successfully worked their way through this. So there is hope! In addition to the suggestion to visit your doctor (who may prescribe a medication to help you relax), there are many social service agencies who provide free counseling or take medicaid. A good CBT therapist will help you look at your thinking so that you may see how you are distorting your thoughts. Behavior is also important. Despite how you may feel: it is helpful to go out, to do things that relax you (maybe a yoga class or a meditation class?). Exercise. Diet. Eat well. Think back on the things that you used to do that helped in the past, and force yourself to do these things again. I know that this seems hard, but it beats the alternative, doesn't it? Of course, I recommend you pick up a copy of my book, Living Yes, which will help you look at these and other ideas to help you out. I hope you get unstuck soon! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job.", "answerText": "A good first step would be to make an appointment with your primary care provider & discuss your concerns. They would have resources available to help in your particular situation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like my time is going too fast", "answerText": "Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to \"live life to the fullest\"! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad refuses to acknowledge my anxieties about going to parties, dinners, etc. Whenever I have an opinion it gets shut down. My mom and everyone else behaves likewise. For my father who heads a company, this is normal. He has to be right all the time. He blatantly refuses to even try to see it from my angle. Recently however, it's been getting to the point where I feel pressured and unable to speak my mind. It isn't possible for me to get professional one-on-one help. He tells me to grow a pair and get over it. I recently have been developing more severe body image and self-confidence issues, which I have had all my life. I feel invalidated by my dad. I have been more paranoid lately as well. I can't turn on location services anymore on my phone because of a past incident. He makes me feel guilty about it. I feel rather worthless more often than not, unfortunately. What do I do?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to get through to your parents. It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of anxiety that needs to be addressed by a professional (despite the fact that you are unable to at the moment). I would recommend talking with another adult such as a school counselor that can offer you support in this area. Perhaps they can work with you on your anxiety issues and schedule a meeting with your parents so that he/she may help mediate the conversation with them.If you are unable to reach out to a school counselor maybe you can try a member of the family such as an aunt or an uncle that feels comfortable addressing the issue with your parents. Sometimes it helps hearing it from a third party before the situations is taken seriously enough.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I leave my girlfriend I get panic attacks. I'm taking medications to control them, but I'm thinking of moving in with her since I get so anxious.", "answerText": "Im sorry to hear that you are currently experiencing panic attacks. I hope that the medication you have been prescribed has provided you with some relief. Unfortunately, I dont feel that moving in with your girlfriend would alleviate your anxiety. Although you may feel very anxious about leaving her, your body is reacting to this stressful event in your life in an unhealthy manner. You may be able to render this particular situation but its likely that you may experience another panic attack when an additional stressful event arises.Therefore, it is essential that you address the reason for why you are experiencing panic attacks in the first place followed by practicing coping mechanisms in the case that one would arise in the future.Talk therapy has shown to be effective with those affected by anxiety along with breathing exercises and yoga. A trained therapist will be able to assist you in finding the right stress reducing method so that you can reduce the chance of another attack occurring.I wish you the best of luck! It sounds like you are very happy in your relationship and I hope you are able to reduce your anxiety so that you are able to enjoy one another."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I had a head injury a few years ago and my mind races all the time. I have trouble sleeping and have a lot of anxiety. Every medicine I have been on my body rejects; I get sick to my stomach and get blisters in my mouth. How can I calm my self down? I'm a wreck.", "answerText": "You didn't say what or how many medications you've tried. Certain anxiety medications can make you feel nauseous, but I haven't heard of any that cause mouth blisters, so there may be some other underlying medical issue there. I would definitely talk to your primary care physician and whoever has prescribed the medication as well as a neurologist if you've suffered a severe head injury. There are so many medications available for anxiety or insomnia or even depression that there may be others with lesser side effects.But beyond that, have you tried any other treatments such as deep breathing or meditation? Meditation can be very effective, but it takes practice and you don't have to sit cross-legged for hours chanting \"Ohm\" to meditate. It's about focusing on your breath, rather than all the thoughts that are racing through your head. And when they do take your mind off your breath, simply refocus (and refocus and refocus). Like I said, it takes practice, so don't give up. You can find many sites offering different ways to meditate, so look around and see what works best for you. Like medication, you just have to find the one that works best and that might take some experimentation.I hope this helps and best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Watching children go through challenges in their lives is difficult. On a very basic level, There exists a primal need to protect them from harm. The hard part for parents is letting them feel those challenges and working through them as they get older. At some point, there is a moment that occurs when the role as a parent shifts. Children no longer need the basics (food, shelter. water, safety) as much as when they were toddlers, but rather, their needs shift to wanting more support, encouragement, advice, and room to make mistakes. This is where the ability to communicate with them, letting them direct the sails to gather the wind needed to move, is so important. Keep the lines of communication open and be available to give feedback when they ask for it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Oh dear - this is becoming all too common. I suggest you have some conversations with your girl to figure out where she is getting the \"information\" that she builds anxiety around. I see teens who have heard teachers, parents, coaches, etc push the \"highly selective colleges\" idea on kids way too much. Teens in particular are prone to black and white thinking, leading them to see one poor test performance, one off day, one not-great assignment as the make-or-break task on the path to successful adulthood. If that's the case with your daughter, she needs you to help modulate both the incoming information (there are nearly 5000 colleges in the US - she will get into one of them!) as well as her reaction to that information.As well, you and any other adults that are involved in parenting her need to discern fact from fiction. The recent scandal around celebrities \"buying\" their kids into college is an indicator of how far off track we, as a culture, have gotten in terms of education. A college education is certainly important, but we have allowed the marketing push to create so much stress and upset for our kids (and ourselves as parents) that they are actually less prepared to leave home and really engage in higher education than ever.You may want to include a therapist in these conversations if you get stuck, but start with a parent-child conversation. Help her figure out what is going on - if it is the \"I have to get it right or I will have no future\", calmly walk her through all the evidence that says that's just not true. As well, let her know that being anxious now is NOT preparing her for a bright adulthood - it's preparing her for an anxious future. She needs help figuring out how to balance her effort to attend to real and reasonable expectations, not over-inflated fear-based actions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Sometimes stress helps us become motivated and thrive to do better however, if your daughter is stressing to the point that she is crying and freaking out then that would be concerning. Helping your daughter with relaxation techniques like deep breathing or guided imagery would be a good start. Also, reminding your daughter that you see her doing so well in school and that most importantly you are there for her. I would also make an appointment to see a mental health therapist they can have more ideas on ways to de-stress."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "The most important action you can take here is validating her feelings and staying calm when she is crying and \"freaking out\". It's equally important to do some self exploration regarding your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors towards making mistakes and how you respond to your mistakes. When she is calm, ask her what a mistake means to her. Giving her examples of different kinds of mistakes and listening to her responses will give you an idea of how extreme her thoughts are. Taking this opportunity to share with her your own struggles with perfectionism or some other area would help her feel more at ease. Reminding her that she is enough just as she is would be helpful as well. Encouraging her self care routine will help develop a greater sense of balance regarding her priorities. The practice of mindfulness will be helpful in self awareness. Creating a plan on what to do when the early signs of \"freaking out\" surface will strengthen her coping skills. Your fears as a parent are completely understandable and this definitely needs to be addressed. Your daughter cannot bring about change on her own and will need the family to work towards this change as well. A therapist that specializes in anxiety/perfectionism would be a great resource. They may also help you all have a greater understanding of what the root of this need for perfection is and how it plays a role in the family. I suggest one or two sessions without your daughter would be helpful to develop a course of action. I hope this was helpful. It takes a lot of courage to seek help and guidance, I'm glad you posted."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Aye, you're correct, that isn't normal, and maybe you should get her to a doctor!Before you do that, and if she were my daughter, I would provide her the necessary physical support that can be given readily at home; that is: proper natural diet, rest, and a good sense of detoxification before she readies herself to approach it.Basic listening is warranted here and would be of great use."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Your daughter is suffering from extremes of perfectionism. She needs to know that God accepts her as she is. I can provide her with a knowledge of her God-given, inborn temperament to help her find her God-esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "As parents, it's hard not to have \"freak out\" moments when our children are being bullied, stressed, or exhibit other symptoms of teenage angst. We walk a delicate balance of letting go and giving autonomy to our teens get older. Adolescents are learning how to be functional adults and it's important to allow them to try (and sometimes fail) in managing their emotions. Grades are a pretty good indicator of how a student is doing, overall. If your daughter has a 4.0 and there's no pattern of \"crying and freaking out\" I'd offer gentle support and encourage her to find ways to relax when she's stressed. If her grades start to decline and her crying spells become more frequent, a call to a counselor who specializes in teens might be in order. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Many of the youth I see in my practice are going through similar behaviors and concerns. If she feels like she can talk to you about this I think that is a great place to begin. There are many life stressors that youth have to manage and seeing others on social media seems to exacerbate these feelings and can feel like even more pressure to strive for perfection. You may be able to offer her support by listening to and validating her concerns, reviewing all that she has accomplished and praising her for doing her best and not push that she needs to be \"the best.\"If she feels she would like to speak to someone it may be good to find a therapist where she can vent her feelings and find a way to increase her coping skills. She may benefit from additional support outside the home where she can cry, learn to manage her worries and gain skills to triage the expectations of each day. She may benefit from skills that would help her to learn that she is enough already!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Hi there Mom! Just look at all of the things that a teen has to juggle and it's no surprise they're stress out. There are simply not enough minutes in the day to get everything done. So, they react by cuttinginto important times such as social interaction and sleep. Our fast paced, fast food, society is taking its toll on our teen generation.While multi-tasking seems to be a hot pop word, it simply doesn't work. We aren't wired to do our best at multiple things at once. We are not machines but rather humans who are going to quickly expire if we don't get a handle on our stress.As adults, it's time we intervene and teach our teens how to maintain a healthy balance between work and play. We need to help them prioritize andput first things, first. Are you putting first things, first in your life?If not, it's a good time to start.Best of luck to you and your daughter in whatever you decide to do."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I understand that as a mom it must be really hard to see your daughter stressing about things at school. Based on your description it sounds as though she has very high expectations of herself and is pushing herself to keep up. I hear your concern and recommend that to start, you provide her a space where she can express herself openly to you without judgement. Although it may seem as though this is \"not normal\", unfortunately it is. From standardized testing, to awards, to scholarships, the pressure is on to perform at high levels for kids today. Secondly, I would recommend that you connect her with therapist that can teach her coping and stress management skills that can help alleviate some of her anxiety. A therapist can also help her identify any faulty beliefs she may have in regards to perfectionism or fear of failure. You're doing a great job keeping an eye out for your daughter and being in tune with her emotional wellness!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I hear that you are concerned about your daughter's reaction and her emotional well being. Her behaviors are worry some as you feel she seems to be approaching her breaking point. I would suggest speaking to your daughter about the situation at school and her feelings. Listening and acknowledging your daughter's feelings without judgement or giving solutions is a very effective communication skill. Ask your daughter how she feels about speaking to a therapist or her doctor. Someone that she knows and feels comfortable talking to about her feelings and learning healthy coping skills to address stressful situations."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It sounds to me like your daughter is anxious to be perfect and has a low tolerance for failure. As her mother one of the most important messages you can share with her is that she need not be perfect, nor is it necessary. As a matter of fact, failure and making mistakes are only opportunity to learn and grow. Give her permission and more importantly she needs to give herself permission to be a perfectly flawed human. It may be a good idea to see a therapist to help her learn how to reframe some of her negative beliefs so she can form healthier thinking habits. Warm wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "children and adolescents who have a desire to achieve high grade point averages often have the symptoms you are describing. It sounds like, your gut is telling you to help her find ways to de-stress. Listen to your gut-always; as her mom, you know her needs better than anyone else. She would probably benefit from seeing a therapist to help her deal with the stress of being a high achiever. I provided the following suggestion to another parent with a similar concern: First identify the three most stressful aspects of the day. Do this by creating a circle on a regular size paper. (do this three times); ask your daughter how much of that circle can she confidently say she has under control. shade that in. The remaining parts of the circle are then named by intensity. (for example, in the circle labeled school anxiety, the client identified that she felt she could handle school anxiety 1 out of 4 days. The circle was split into 1/4. 1/4 of the circle was shaded . the remaining parts were labeled with the challenges that caused the client school anxiety.(these were 1. walking to class during passing time. 2. not having the assignments completed or at all. 3. feeling fat. after labeling each part; and making note of the percentage of the stress associated with each concern, free form thinking takes place and a pile of unwanted behaviors and genetic responses are portrayed around the circle in bright colors.Using note cards, create a tree of concern; the concerns can be written on note cards. a concern = the behavior that leads to more trouble. For example, \"all i could do was think about that extra slice of pizza, I was unable to concentrate on the teacher's explanation of the assignment\" (the concern you would write on the note card is Inability to concentrate. Now, fill up the back of the notecard with all of the different factors causing this pattern. nack. ("}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Dear Concern Mom, Sadly, kids nowadays stress a lot about school and compete with one and another. Determine Career-minded students, tend to be very hard on themselves and can eventually become very anxious about things. Whereas, it is a good thing to be driven it can break you down too. Therefore, I recommend that you find your young daughter someone that can help her find ways to cope with her strong desire to doing well in school. Getting ahead of it now before she gets worst is the best thing you could do for her. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Sincerely, Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Thank you for being an observant parent and taking the very important step toward getting help for you as well as your daughter. The period of adolescence and emerging adulthood are tumultuous times for youth ( and their parents). The pressure to fit-in, be liked, and succeed could be some of the contributing factors for your daughter's stress. I have had many adolescent clients who do very well academically, but keep it well hidden from their peers so that they can fit in. She is still learning about herself, her abilities and how to like herself none of which are easy tasks even for adults. The academic success that you refer to only tells part of the story. As I read your statement, I got a sense of what your daughter does and that you are proud of her academic accomplishments. However, I would also want to ask her who she is as a person and encourage her to explore that with assistance from a therapist.By working with a therapist your daughter will have the opportunity to discuss her stress, fears, and focus on achievement with an objective person. As she gains a better understanding of the source of her stress and learns some stress management, she can also learn to communicate her concerns to you.I do recommend starting with a therapist rather than the doctor. If the therapist believes that your daughter's symptoms would benefit from a health exam and/or medication they will make that recommendation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Hello! First of all, thank you for paying attention to your daughter and noticing that she is concerned! It sounds like you have been a positive influence on her for her to be so focused on achievement and for her to care so deeply about her performance! Based on what you've said here, I understand that you are concerned that she is overly stressed, though. I share your concern. People of all ages have meltdowns when they become overwhelmed with stress, and the negative consequences of those meltdowns can definitely have a ripple-effect into other areas of our lives.For your daughter, the thing I would want to know FIRST is this: does she feel she has adequate healthy coping skills to manage the stress she is experiencing? Because, it doesn't really matter WHAT she is stressing on...what matters is how she deals with her stress when it threatens to overwhelm her. I'd like to know what, exactly, that she does when she is feeling stressed that helps her to feel better. If she has only unhealthy coping skills (for example, sleeping, shutting-down, raging, self-attack with critical self-talk, etc.), or only one or two healthy skills, we would want to teach her some additional healthy strategies to help her KNOW that she can cope.Just one risk of not addressing this issue now could be that she may come to \"learn\" that stress is 'unbearable' which may cause her to turn to destructive or escapist strategies to avoid the discomfort, the pain of feeling hopeless, and/or the negative belief that she \"cannot help herself.\" I definitely think it would be worth both your whiles to have her evaluated by her family doctor and/or a professional counselor. With a counselor specifically, she could learn the needed skills as well as be evaluated for other issues that may be contributing to the issue (for example, a learned belief that she \"must be perfect or she is not worthy.\") Plus, having a neutral support person to help her meet her personal goals is always a good thing. Good luck, mom and daughter!Learn more about me and my practice at www.EMDRheals.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "As a therapist and mother of four children (3 of whom are teenagers)...I hear your pain. Raising children in our society is no joke. Kids are under a tremendous amount of pressure from parents, peers, teachers, coaches and the list goes on and on. Fear and anxiety can suffocate students particularly as they approach their high school years where they are bombarded with questions about their future and expected to select professions before they have even gone to college!!I highly encourage the teens I work with to strive for balance in their lives- and we can model this for our children by how we choose to live! Encourage your child to spend time with friends, join you for a yoga class, read a book, pick up a hobby or go out to exercise. If your daughter continues to feel overwhelmed by stress, it would be a good idea to select a therapist for her to go speak with. As much as we love our children, there are times where kids need to consult with a neutral 3rd party. It can be a wonderful thing for kids to have a therapist whom they can confide in."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "As a Parent it can be very hard to see your child struggling. It sounds like theyre experiencing anxiety from their stress. Its always a good idea to check in with your family doctor. Many children are experiencing anxiety and can benefit from individual counseling services to help them cope with their stress. School pressures and academic achievements can you create physical stress responses in the body. Seeing a counselor can also help you as the mom or dad have available tools to provide Continued support. It sounds like you are a great support for them and helping them connect to their resources."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It sounds as though your daughter is struggling to manage her anxiety and she is having really big reactions to what you view as small problems or issues. What have you tried with her in the past? As exhausting as it might be, a good first step is to empathize and validate her feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It may be helpful to register for a class you can take together. I would recommend mindful meditation or yoga, just the two of you. Something you find time for in a weekly basis. Yoga is amazing in learning mindfulness and reducing stress. I use yoga and mindful techniques when working with children and recommend it to parents to engage with their children. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Its hard to answer this question based on the information presented but I shall give it a go, Is it possible that your daughter is afraid of failing, I've seen many children and kids who get stressed out over grades or performance in sports, can you tell me \"what was your grade in fourth grade English? Or what was the score of the 7th game you played in football when you were a junior? Much of what happens to us is insignificant and we worry over things which really , in the long term don't matter much to us. But ask yourself this question, Is your daughters reaction to what is going grossly out of proportion with what would normally be expected, if the answer is yes, a visit to a psychotherapist might not be a bad idea to learn some coping skills and to alter our reaction to life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I agree with your observation about your daughter feeling stressed. Are you able to open this topic in conversation with her?Also, reflect on your own expectations as a parent. It is possible that your daughter is trying to please you by getting consistently high grades.If your daughter prefers talking in confidence to a therapist, then this may help her regain a sense of balance in her life so that schoolwork feels less stressful.I wouldn't take her to a doctor because based on what you write, the problem is psychological and emotionally based. While the stress may have physical symptoms, addressing the root cause of the problem has nothing to do directly with something being physically wrong with your daughter.Unless there is some other medical or physical problem that would explain your daughter's sense of stress, I'd start first by bringing your areas of concern to your daughter, then possibly to a therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have four children. One of them is in her 20s, and she cannot afford to go, nor can I pay for her. She went last year for two weeks by herself.", "answerText": "I imagine you are trying to figure out a way to be \"fair\" to your adult kids. The key word is \"adult\". If your daughter can afford to join the family for a vacation that's great, she's welcome to come. However, as you pointed out she took a vacation by herself last year - she chose to put her resources (time off work and money) into doing that. Good for her - she did what she wanted. If she wants to budget time and money for a family vacation she will.As for feeling guilty, let me echo the sentiments already offered - vacations are lovely, but not a survival need. Your girl is in her 20s and it's her turn to provide for herself. You did your parenting - now go enjoy your vacation with whoever can, and wants to, join you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have four children. One of them is in her 20s, and she cannot afford to go, nor can I pay for her. She went last year for two weeks by herself.", "answerText": "Of what do you feel you'd be guilty?Family vacations are not a basic human right to existence. They are fun, ideally. You're not violating a basic human right. You wrote that you don't have enough money to pay for her to come along.You may find yourself feeling more guilty toward yourself if you give more than you reasonably can afford to give.My suggestion is to tell your daughter your reason for not taking her along. Maybe this will open more dialogue between the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "All you can do/control is work on yourself. When you have enough sense of self, you will know how to deal with your family. Therapy is an investment in yourself, which affects your family."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "Hello, I am sorry to hear about you feeling verbally abused, trapped without an escape, and emotionally drained. Sounds to me like you are being treated more like a child than an adult. It's time to learn about healthy boundaries and being treated like an adult. This process will take time, but beyond elevating your self-esteem and worth, you will be modeling to your children a healthy adult. Model to them an empowered, confident, and person that is worthy of respect.Please invest in yourself. Find yourself a therapist that encourages and empowers you to have a voice and not feel invisible. You'll be so glad you did!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry this is happening to you. One thought I have is for you to create a mantra or a soothing statement to say over and over to yourself as you are being bombarded with this negativity and abuse. For example you could say \"Living here is temporarily, one day I will have my own place\". Or you could say something like \"I am a good person, I am a good parent, and I always try to do the best I can\". Saying this over and over to yourself as you are listening to your parents will help you to tune out some of their words but it will also start to build more positive neural connections and start to wire your brain to build and/or strengthen your self esteem.Focus on the temporary nature of your situation, start making plans for leaving the situation. If you are under 18 and can't leave because you are in school, now is a good time to start planning for when you can leave. That when when the opportunity is available you know how you will get a job, how you will find an apartment, who will provide daycare. This will make the transition out of your parents home much easier and it will give you something to look forward to while you are in their home. Take care!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "Your situation is a difficult one, but I would encourage you to start considering how to set boundaries for yourself and your family members. Often, times we believe we have to allow a certain behavior because a person is family. This is not true. It sounds like you could use some help understanding finding your voice and asserting yourself with your family members."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry you are experiencing this situation. Considering that you mentioned not having a place to go, it may be best to address the problem as oppose to just take all of it. Confrontation can be done in a healthy and effective way. Being able to communicate your feelings with the intent of improving the problem can be a great skill needed in multiple settings in life. The therapy process can help build this skill set and goal plan to remove yourself from the home. Good luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "The first step is realizing your value and establishing firm boundaries. When your parents cross that boundary and are verbally abusive, you have to have a plan to stand your ground and act upon it. That plan may include a better job to afford a place of your own, a domestic violence shelter if you are unable to provide for your needs, a firm talk with your parents about your parental authority, or other. Whatever you do has to be firm or consistent, a boundary that you allow someone to cross is no boundary. There is always a way, if you have no where to go, ask yourself why is that the case(which I am sure you have considered already) and what can I do about it. If you choose not to take any action then you are enabling your parents to remain abusive. Ask yourself too, why am I not acting on my situation. Am I too dependent on them? Do I not want to change? Is it easier just to let them provide for me? Be honest with yourself. You need to work on your self esteem, and things that empower you. Support groups in person or online, Church groups or organizations, friends, books, music, etc.... but think on things that will empower you. Are you stuck financially because of the need for a job? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need training in a new field? There are a myriad of possibilities and answers. Action, think action and Change, what can I change?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I can't imagine what you are feeling but I can tell you that you are right to be concerned about your children baring witness to this abuse. This is a great teachable moment for your kids. How you handle yourself will be very important for your children to see. Your \"REACTION\" is what you should focus on. Will you react with rage and name calling? Will you listen to your parents with respect and talk to them in private about how they are speaking to you in front of your kids? Will you talk your kids about what is going?From reading this I am assuming you live with your parents. If this is the case you have to think about what you can do to change your situation. Have a plan! Set a goal! Don't lose hope!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I think one of the best things to pass on to our children, or simply one of the best lessons in life, is to learn when to internalize (it's an issue in me) and when to externalize (it's an issue in them), as well as always finding the balance of the two.In this case, you don't seem to be the issue. Sure, living with your parents with your child probably is not your dream scenario, nor your parents'. But, there are ways to process that without someone feeling abused, and your parents clearly have zero ability or boundaries if they are willing to verbally abuse you in front of your child, and their grandchild. If there is a reason they are doing so, I'm sure they think they have a good one. However, the dynamic that they are willingly setting up is problematic. And it is THEIR problem.However, by being strong and not taking in someone's verbal abuse, you are going to role model for your child how it's about what is inside of you, your own drive, that will be what is important, NOT what others say about you. It's important to always come back to yourself inside, and seeing the good that is in you (or even just noticing that it's there, if you can't quite see it in its entirety.)I would also advise your parents to think about their own role modeling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "When their verbal abuse starts, tell them you are exiting the conversation because the way they're talking to you is unacceptable.Explain you are willing to hear their point of view only not when it is expressed as abuse.They may not agree with your opinion and also may not want to change.Even if they do not change, you are entitled to be treated as a human being who is worthy of respect.Explain your reason to exit the conversation and ask them to write down their requests for you to consider."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When they come home from their dad's and I fuss at them for anything, they move like they are dodging being hit. They say theyre sorry over and over really fast. I ask and they say no one has hit them, and I've seen no marks. Am I being paranoid or am I right to be?", "answerText": "This sounds frightening and overwhelming, and Im glad you are reaching out for help. I cant say for sure your children are being abused but I can understand your suspicion since there appears to be a change your childrens behavior. I think it would be important for you to keep an eye on the situation Incase you notice any other changes. If you become more concerned, even suspicions of child abuse are reportable to Family protective services. If they feel it is necessary they can do an investigation. You are doing the biggest thing for your children by being there for them and supporting them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When they come home from their dad's and I fuss at them for anything, they move like they are dodging being hit. They say theyre sorry over and over really fast. I ask and they say no one has hit them, and I've seen no marks. Am I being paranoid or am I right to be?", "answerText": "It sounds like your children are walking on eggshells, and behaving in a manner that suggests that (at minimum) they may be receiving an undue amount of anger from someone in their lives. In addition to addressing this delicately with your children's father, it would be wise to speak with your children's teachers and pediatrician as well. Please closely monitor the situation, and express to your children that they can always come to you with any information, and they will never be in trouble for confiding in you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fianc tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?", "answerText": "The short answer to your question is \"No\" it's not okay for anyone to ever be doing this.There's a lot of unanswered questions and other factors going on here that need attention. Nevertheless, don't hesitate to seek out legal counsel and/or call 911. Ideally, yourfianc would be able to speak directly to her ex-husband and set reasonable boundaries that honor whatever legal agreements are in force resultant from the divorce and custody agreements. The fact that she's afraid to say anything to him about his inappropriate behavior, and that she hasn't been able to give you any reason for her fear, suggests possible factors of past abusive behaviors, entitlement, and/or co-dependence. I hope things work out well for all and I'm confident a skilled therapist could help all navigate how best to set boundaries and experience greater healing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fianc tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?", "answerText": "The kids are actually her Property, and he does have a claim to them as he wishes;The house is yours, I presume;So require that if he wishes to see his Property, it be done off of your Property;And, that as long as it remains your Property, you have jurisdiction over all those, therein;Require compensation for visits, and send him a bill;When he doesn't pay, send to the local sheriff, go to small claims court, and win a judgment against him for non-payment;I wonder how that might work out... act as man :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fianc tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?", "answerText": "The obvious answer is no, it's not okay. There are other you should be asking though. You said your fiance \"seems afraid\" of her ex. Did you ask her about that? Is there a reason he still has a key to the home? Has there been any discussion of appropriate boundaries? I work with a lot of people parenting from different households and the stickiest spots are the ones that have not been discussed. There is obviously conflict there or they wouldn't have split, but your fiance and her ex do need to stay aligned for the kids and that can't happen if she feels fearful or resentful. If she doesn't have a problem with his barging in, clearly you do (and who wouldn't? He's not YOUR ex!), so you and she need to have some agreements around his access to the home.If she is afraid to bring up the discussion then I strongly recommend that she and the ex get some help with a good therapist. The kids health, your health and hers, and the health of your relationships in the family depend on it!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fianc tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?", "answerText": "Do you know the reason your fianc puts up with the ex's behavior?If not, then ask her.The answer could be anything, from some agreement the two of them made either formally or informally before you came into her life, to residual sense of obligation she feels toward him as a parent, or that she genuinely does fear his physical or verbal anger if she disagrees with what he wants.Facts are the best starting point to know how to handle a situation.There is no blanket rule and certainly no law which prohibits what he's doing. The situation is entirely in the hands of the people involved."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "Depending on your daughters age, this could be a learning disability. I suggest contacting the school counselor and asking for an evaluation, once she is evaluated and depending on the diagnosis, she could be provided with treatment recommendations like occupational therapy, reading glasses, or assistance in class. These and more accommodations are enforced under the 504 act. Consider if the observations that you have done are affecting her performance in school only, or also in other settings. Observe her behavior and or her emotions and see if they change as well. Discuss these with your daughters counselor as well.Tiene mi hija un desorden mental?Mi hija est en la escuela elemental. Ella no puede colorear dentro de la lnea. Mezcla las palabras cuando escribe, a menos que tenga grandes espacios, o brinca las lneas.Dependiendo de la edad de tu hija esto puede ser un problema de aprendizaje. Te sugiero que contactes al consejero escolar y solicites una evaluacin, dependiendo de la diagnosis, ellos pueden recomendar tratamientos como: terapia ocupacional, lentes para leer o asistencia en clase. Estos acomodos son provistos bajo la acta 504. Considera si las observaciones que has hecho afectan el desempeo de tu hija en la escuela, o en otras reas, tambin observa su conducta y emociones y reprtaselo al consejero escolar."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "At times when a child is not displaying milestone behavior at the same rate that is average for their peers, this should raise concern, so you are correct in reaching out for advice. Speaking with your child's pediatrician, as well as school staff may be the first places to start. You can request that she receive an assessment and evaluation, with a subsequent treatment plan to meet any needs she may have."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "Kids develop in different ways and different speeds. It can sometimes feel like your kid has a delay because of these different ways of development. If you have concerns about your childs development then addressing it with the school is the best solution. They will be able to provide a full assessment if needed with an academic diagnosis as well as academic support."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "Contact your daughters school and ask for an occupational therapy evaluation. An occupational therapist can determine if your daughter struggles with eye-hand coordination, visual processing or sensory motor difficulties. The therapist will develop a plan of care if your daughter demonstrates delays or difficulties in learning.OTontheGo.org mobile therapy that comes to you! Accepting most insurance."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "Developmentally, there are ages where not coloring in the lines, writing words that are jumbled together, and leaving big spaces or skipping lines are completely normal. I have seen children in 3rd and insome cases, 4th grade who do not have learning disabilities write in the manner you have described.There is, however, a type of learning disability called Dysgraphia which can present in the ways you have described. If you suspect that your daughter might have Dysgraphia, then the best thing to do is to have educational testing done. You can request testing by going through your school system and asking for an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan) meeting. Your school is required to honor your request for an IEP meeting.At the meeting, you can ask the school to do educational testing that will be at no cost to you. I will say that depending on where you live and your school system, it can sometimes be difficult to get the school system to do testing. If that is the case, you can go to a psychologist or find an agency near you that can also perform this type of testing as well (some will accept insurance and others will not.) There are also educational advocates that you can hire to help you if you ever have difficulty getting your daughter properly assessed by the school system. I also highly recommend seeing a developmental ophthalmologistand/or a developmental pediatrician. They can be great resourcesin helping you to determine if your daughter does have a learning disability.I always say that a parent should \"trust their gut\" and if you feel that your child is struggling and that there may be a learning disability then there is no harm in getting your child evaluated. The best case scenariois that your child is completely on track and what you are seeing is developmentally appropriate. On the other hand, if your child does have a learning disability, then you have caught it early enough where she can receive services that will help her in the long run. Either way, it is a win, win."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "It sounds like it might be worth asking the school for an evaluation to determine whether your daughter has any learning disabilities such as dysgraphia or dyslexia or seek an evaluation through an educational neuropsychologist. I would also suggest having her vision checked by a developmental optometrist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "If your daughter is the same age as most of the other students in her class, and the other students easily complete the tasks you list here, then there is a problem in the performance of these tasks for your daughter.Without knowing more about the context of your daughter's life, for example, is she a new student to the school and class, are there major stressors in the home environment, does your daughter have friends, does your daughter have the same problems she has in school, when she is in other environments?Also, who is telling you she has these problems? Are you the one who notices what you describe here or is your daughter or is her teacher telling you these facts?Depending on your answers to the questions, start to get clarity with the classroom teacher and the school guidance counselor as to the source of your daughter's problem.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "There could be a number of things going on here. For instance, have her eyes been checked by an optometrist? She might just not like writing or coloring. She could be rushing through assignments so that she can spend time with friends, play games, or do something else. She might need some extra help with fine motor skills. What are her grades like? Does she rush through other things like cleaning her room or getting ready for bed?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "It's hard to tell from the information that you were able to provide here, but talk with her elementary school a guidance counselor. Someone working with the school (usually a school psychologist) should be able to evaluate her to see if she needs extra help and to tell you more clearly what may be happening."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?", "answerText": "This is certainly an important issue tolook into, It is always helpful to speak with the child's pediatrician since they are most familiar with the child'sdevelopmental history. Also, children tend to regress behaviorally when facing events and interactions they feel to have no control over, this can be as simple as a loss of a pet, a recent move, death in the family, and/or as serious as sexual abuse, and other things. If you have not spoken to the school that can be a good starting point."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?", "answerText": "Your daughter is fortunate to have an observant parent, who is willing to seek out help in this regard.Regression can be indicative of some stress in your child's life, so the issues she is facing should be examined.Seeking advice from your daughter's pediatrician, as well as a practitioner familiar with adolescent issues or perhaps play therapy can equip you with insight into the causes of the behavior, and give you tools to assist your daughter in learning age appropriate social interactions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?", "answerText": "Good for you to know your daughter's friendship circles and to notice when these have changed.While friendships are key relationships, they are not the only indicator of someone not developing normally.Is your observation and opinion that your daughter isn't normal based on other factors or just this one?If this is the only factor then start with reflecting on what circumstances may be influencing your daughter to socialize with younger kids.Has she ben ostracized or bullied by her peers and may be retreating to avoid further emotional hurt?Is she keeping up with her school work?Sometimes kids who feel overwhelmed by schoolwork will regress into conditions in which they feel more success and control.Are there family circumstances such as the death of someone with whom your daughter felt close? Or, is there a new younger sibling in the family or a younger sibling who due to their own circumstance receives more attention than your daughter may wish for herself.Once you've reflected on which areas may be affecting your daughter, gently ask her some questions about her comfort with what you theorize may be the source of the problem.Its also possible that offering her your extra time and interest may increase her sense of self so that she feels secure enough to increase her social time with her age group."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "You can \"move on and not live in the past\" in the context of your ex-relationship, but that does not mean moving on from your child. \"Moving on\" then would involve accepting the end of the relationship and developing a civil relationship with your ex-partner as far as is possible for the sake of your child's development.Generally, it's good for a functional (non-abusive) parent to spend time with his/her child, but only insofar as that doesn't cause your child unnecessary stress. That requires the two adults to act like adults with each other for the sake of their child.What's confusing for children is seeing their parents act uncivilly or manipulatively. Children also do well with routines so regular dependable visitation is preferable to random visitation or, worse, not following through on commitments.But if one person is exploiting their child to harm their ex-partner, then visiting your child in that context may be stressful to him/her (depending on what you mean by using your child as a pawn). When dealing with a hostile ex-partner, your first challenge is to negotiate rules and boundaries with your ex-partner about appropriate behavior for the good of your child. If you cannot come to an agreement, a counselor can help mediate a conversation. If that's not an option, then it may be possible to turn to family court to stipulate visitation rules (for which you'd have to consult with an attorney)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "Your child is not part of your past, he or she is part of your present and future. Your child needs you. Statistics about fatherless children are staggering. Research shows children raised in a father-absent home experience the following: 4x greater risk of poverty, more likely to have behavioral problems, 7x more likely to become pregnant as a teen, more likely to face abuse and neglect, more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, 2x more likely to suffer obesity, 2x more likely to drop out of school, more likely to commit crime and more likely to go to prison. Listen to your heart and ask yourself, what do you want for your child? Co-parenting is hard when each parent is unable to prioritize the best interests of the child. You and your ex-wife can get help learning how to co-parent in a way that will work for each of you with the best interest of your child in mind. What is confusing for a child is why did my parent abandon me and they will struggle with issues of worthiness and self-esteem for the rest of their lives. Here are some websites for you to check out and get help with the most important job you'll ever have...being a father!https://fatherhoodfactor.com/us-fatherless-statistics/https://www.fatherhood.org/fatherhood-data-statisticshttps://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/http://fathers.com/statistics-and-research/the-consequences-of-fatherlessness/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "Hi, your situation sounds very complicated and sensitive. It is important to handle it with care as it involves your children. When parents are attempting to co-parent, the clearer the boundaries and expectations are the easier it gets to effectively co-parent. Parenting your child is not living in the past, allow me to reframe that approach and instead view it as an investment in your future. Your child will forever be your child and deserves and active loving and caring father. Staying away sends a different message to your child and leaves room for resentment. Find a way to create an agreement between you and your ex-wife with the best interest of your child as the focus. The courts are able to assist with this goal as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "The thing that confuses a child the most is for a parent to come and go from their life. Children have a way of making things their fault, even when they have done nothing wrong. Because of this, when parents cut off contact, the child thinks it's their fault.As hard as that already is for a child, it is even worse when a parent pops in and out of their life. This makes the belief even more strong for them. They start to think, \"why does dad keep leaving? What am I doing to keep making him go away?\"I believe a child needs both parents in their life. Whether she used you for a child or not, that child still exists and never asked for this. They didn't ask to be born into drama and two parents that can't make things work.You can move on and start over while still maintaining a relationship with your child. If you start over far away, this may mean less visits but you'll still be a part of their life. Just make sure when you make a commitment to this child to stick to it. Every child deserves that much.Good luck to you! :-)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "What are the ways your ex-wife uses your child as a pawn?This answer determines the best ways to handle particular situations.Basically, distinguish that your father relationship to your child lasts has great meaning for your child and as the adult, the responsibility for managing this relationship falls on you.Your relationship to your ex wife took place between two adults and therefore you are only responsible for your own actions to repair the damage done to you.From what you write, you already have a plan in progress to do this by separating yourself as much as possible from contact with the ex.In a way the challenge of keeping active as a parent while also distancing and clearing your emotions of the hurt and betrayal done to you, will establish both a solid relationship with your child and grow more acceptance and self-forgiveness of having been taken advantage of and tricked."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "I am really glad you reached out. When parents get divorced, they still need to figure out how to have relationship so that they can parent their child. We might divorce our partners, however, we don't divorce our children. If anything our children need to know that we are still a stable force in their lives. Unfortunately, in some relationships children get used as a bargaining piece and I am hearing that may be happening in your relationship.You can move on from the relationship with your ex while still maintaining a relationship with your child. It is possible and it takes both parents to agree to do the right thing by their child. It is important for your children to have some consistency in his or her time with you. For example, if you and your ex don't have a parenting schedule it is something that you want to create so that you can not only decide for you when you will see your child, but your child can know when you will be available just for her. This will lay the foundation for consistency and allow your child to have some security in troubled times.I would highly recommend you sit down with your ex and discuss how you can both be a positive source in your child's life. How you can both be there to help raise her. If this is not a conversation that you can have on your own you might seek out help from the court. There are parenting experts and mediators who might be able to assist you.Remember, in any discussion keep the focus on what is best for your child and you will be moving in the right direction.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "If you have a good relationship with your child then you have already accepted and been accepted as this child's parent and you have a commitment and an obligation to play that role. If you suddenly absent yourself from this child's life then you may be doing real damage. Working out an arrangement with the child's mother for regular visits the child can count on and committed to by both parents will serve the best interest of the child, which I assume is what both parents are truly concerned with. The visits don't have to be every day, once a week, even once a month, is better than hit and miss with long absences in between. Best of luck to you, and the fact that you asked the question says volumes about your parenting potential. Feel free to follow up with me, on line or in person."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "You're in a difficult situation and on behalf of you and your child, I commend you for trying to find the right thing to do.Short version: your child needs you as much as possible. period. Always. We used to think that children were almost always harmed by divorce, unless there was extreme conflict or violence. More recent data shows that children are not necessarily harmed by divorce if they keep both their parents. In other words, the damaging part is losing half of themselves and losing the value of being connected to everyone who loves them, especially the other parent, in addition to the extra benefit there is from the other parent's perspective, strengths and so on.The best thing for your child is for you to be available and loving and doing everything possible to allow the child to be whole - a person who incorporates BOTH parents. It's a tragedy for everyone to use a child to achieve adult aims, like getting back at a former spouse. In such a circumstance, your child needs you more than ever. If you and your wife have different rules and so on, your child will learn to adjust and adapt, just as they would if you remained in the household. A child quickly learns that they talk to mom about x,y,z or get away with whatever, but has different rules with dad. He/she will not be too confused in the long run.Please stay the course in dealing with a difficult ex-wife for you and your child's wellbeing. Best of luck to all."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a counselor at day camp where we have a child with severe autism. We try to keep him entertained by carrying cards around for when he starts acting up so we can get him to focus on something else. The day camp administrator has told us not to yell at him because he will zone out and not listen, so we just talk in a calm voice. However, other kids see the treatment as unfair.", "answerText": "Behavioral interaction with someone who has severe autism requires highly specialized training, both for any professional staff involved with the person and for the family members.It is an unfair situation for both the person who has autism as well as the campers who do not, to expect both sides to get along harmoniously.In order to achieve this, the campers would need specialized training to know how to respond to distress in the camper who has autism.This would obviously stretch and burden the summer camp budget as well as provide an activity which usually isn't part of summer camp for children.What you can do which may be productive in helping the camper who has autism, is to point out the interaction difficulty to the summer administrators.Ultimately it is their problem to only take campers who are able to reasonably adjust to socializing together and from what you write, the administration has overreached whom they consider reasonable camper mates."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my son was a teenager, we sent him to live with his dad because of the constant disrespectful attitude. A week after he graduated, his dad made him leave because of the same issues. All four parents tried to talk to him, and he just refuses help all around. He is now living with his grandparents. He had a job, and took steps to get his license and an insured vehicle. I thought he was heading down the right road, and then he tells me he quit his job because he didnt like it. I just dont know what to do.", "answerText": "Probably the best way to be supportive of your son is to tell him what bothers you about the way he's handling himself.If you'd like him to work with your suggestions then before you make critical comments be sure to validate his strong points and to recognize his natural talents.People are much more likely to take advice if the person feels the criticism is spoken by someone who respects them and isn't only critical of them.Offer your availability to talk with him if you genuinely feel available to speak with him in a non-judgmental way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my son was a teenager, we sent him to live with his dad because of the constant disrespectful attitude. A week after he graduated, his dad made him leave because of the same issues. All four parents tried to talk to him, and he just refuses help all around. He is now living with his grandparents. He had a job, and took steps to get his license and an insured vehicle. I thought he was heading down the right road, and then he tells me he quit his job because he didnt like it. I just dont know what to do.", "answerText": "I admire your efforts. You can continue to offer assistance for your son, but it is ultimately up to him to decide what to do with the information or ideas that you are giving to him.One thing you might try is to ask questions in a way that enables you to learn more about what he is experiencing. For example, if he is willing to talk to you about what he does on a daily basis and/or what he would like to be doing, you may be able to get a sense of what he finds difficult and find some resources to help.I might ask things like this (just as examples):Can we talk for a few minutes about some things that I would like to learn more about?I'm just looking to learn more about what has been happening for you recently and I'm not trying to make you do anything.I know you said you quit your job because you didn't like it. Could you tell me more about what you liked and what you didn't like?Do you see yourself doing the same kind of job in the future?What is it that makes you happy or what is it that you look forward to doing?Can you think of anything that I can do to be of support to you?If he is interested, you may be able to connect him with an area community college to learn more about possible job opportunities.With the way that I wrote the questions above, it probably sounds like it's relatively easy. In reality, it may not be an easy conversation and your son may choose not to discuss it with you. If that's the case, I'd remind yourself that you are trying to do everything you can."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?", "answerText": "You felt bad when you lied, so you told the truth. I imagine your mom was really shocked and upset - both of those things tell me you are a pretty honest person. It's possible that your mom had a big reaction simply because she has learned that her child, from whom she always assumed honesty, was capable of being dishonest. That's not awesome, but it's not the end of the world. You made a mistake - you'll make more of those in your life, just try not to make the same ones over and over again.It sounds like you and your mom are close so I can see why it would feel so awful to have her distrust you. Since you are a fundamentally honest person, the way back to being trusted is going to be simple, but may take a little time. The \"recipe\" is easy - say what you are doing/going to do; do only that unless change is necessary, in which case you inform others involved, and repeat.And cut yourself some slack. Your mom will recover and so will you. It's an important and painful lesson about integrity, but once learned it will serve you well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like you've already learned that just being honest is often the best approach.What do you think about telling your mom how you're feeling? She might really appreciate it if you also let her know that regaining her trust is really important to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?", "answerText": "Hey! Sounds like the part of you that knows the RIGHT thing to do won here! I am so proud of you for admitting that you lied to your Mom! Sometimes lies come out of our mouths before we can even catch them because we are trying to say what the other person wants to hear. I bet that, as you begin to show her that you are not going to lie any more, she will begin to gain trust in you again! Be open with your feelings with you Mom - she is there to support you, guide you and love you! Give her lots of hugs - and give yourself one too for being so brave! Be Wise!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "That sounds awful, and is clearly unsustainable. There are some great answers that give some guidance about what might be an underlying condition. If all physical and mental health issues are ruled out, it's time to take action. Get backup from friends or family members if you need to, but let your daughter know you are giving her 30 days notice. She needs to find another place to live within that time. If she wants to stay with you, be clear that first she has to go, with a potential to return after she has been out for a good chunk of time. Once out, she can prove to you, and more importantly to herself, that she is capable of maintaining her health and her environment. Remember, you are going to rule out issues that would make it impossible for her to be successful; if she is in good health, her staying with you and living this way is actually harming her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "Hello,I know that your situation is frustrating and debilitating. It sounds like she either has a medical or mental condition. She needs help, and for the sounds of it, you want to help her. I suggest that you take the time to contemplate the best way and time to approach her. Rehearse ahead of time what you want her to hear and what the end goal is. I know it might seem like a lot of work for you to do and perhaps you even feel frustrated about that, but the only way you will reach her is if you approach it in a way she hears your concern and desire to help her. Be prepared with facts and places to go for help. The better prepared you are, the better the chances of her to act on it. Remind her how much you love her and how it is not healthy for her or for the relationship for this to continue. With lots of love and patience, you can make a difference. Stay Strong!Best of luck to you and your daughter, Mirella~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "I'm sorry for what sounds like a frustrating situation.For how long has your daughter lived the way you describe and did it start all of a sudden or more gradually come on?What you write sounds like a major depressive disorder and this can start for a variety of reasons and improve in just as many different ways.Start with how you are feeling about the situation. Ask yourself for how long you will be able to tolerate the way your daughter lives and if you feel any satisfaction in your mother daughter relationship.If she is of legal age, and you don't want her to live with you, you've tried convincing her to get medical care for its own sake and to more clearly see her emotional and psychological health, and she is unwilling to take care of herself, you can discuss your options with the adult protective services agency in your state.The first step is to know what exactly is her problem so you can decide if its own you are willing to take care of or not."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "1. She's an adult.2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules.3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists.4. I recommend the book \"Codependent No More\" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by \"helping\" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is \"Boundaries: Where you end and I begin\". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a \"but...\" and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is \"the right thing\" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?", "answerText": "A lot depends on the age of your child, but given that it was a mis-used debit card, I am going to guess he's a teen? Assuming that, there are a couple of important things to keep in mind...1. That he lied about the misuse indicates he knows he was in the wrong. That's a dreadful feeling - getting caught out- and an impulsive lie may have popped out of his mouth before he thought it through (after all a debit spend is pretty easy to track).2. Once he lied he stuck with the lie. Somewhere along the line, even though he knew that you knew he wasn't telling the truth, he stuck with his story. And as you said, it's not the first time he lied. Now it looks like a habit has formed.Going forward, when there is a dishonest act of any kind, it's essential that you set it up so your son can be truthful. Simply put, do not ask questions. If you know for certain that he has, for example, misused your debit card, say so. Asking \"did you\" invites him to get creative with denial; asking \"why did you\" implies that, with a good enough reason, he might not be in hot water with you. Instead, say what is: \"I see this charge on my debit card and realize you used it without my permission\". (You can only do this if you know for sure it was him but it sounds like you do).If he meets with denial, stay calm, restate that you are aware this happened. Then deliver consequences that match the transgression (he has to return the item if it's returnable or find a way to pay you back for the charge as well as any fees incurred in using it). Make it harder to find your card because he isn't that great at curbing the impulse to use it yet.And most importantly, once the consequence is delivered you have to let it go. Continuing to bring it up won't benefit him, but it does have the potential to make him more sneaky. Every time he asks respectfully to use it, whether you allow him to or not, be sure to praise him for asking nicely. \"Catch\" him doing it right as often as possible.Hang in there - this isn't super unusual behavior but it isn't acceptable, so address it but don't let yourself get too wound up about it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter. About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly. Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help.", "answerText": "It is great that you are noticing these changes with your daughter. I cant offer advice without knowing much more about your particular situation but some things to think about:Has something else happen recently that has been stressful, upsetting?Is your daughter trying to communicate something to you and if so what might that be?Have you discussed these recent changes with her? (Without being too serious or accusatory)There is so much changing for her (and you) now-communication and connection are crucial.I hope you both can talk to a supportive person about all these changes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter. About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly. Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help.", "answerText": "Have you asked your daughter why she's doing the behaviors you describe?Often the best way to find out why someone does something is to simply ask them their reason.Her answer will give you some guidance as to next possible steps.If she's pretending to be a fantasy figure or trying to find out how being taller feels, or walking on high heels or some other image then knowing this rules out that she has some unbearable pain in her arch which may require more practical answers such as new shoes or even indicate a medical problem.Ask if she's noticed any change in the way she walks. Maybe she doesn't know she's doing this and maybe she feels embarrassed to tell you she's doing something a bit odd.Since usually 12 year olds don't color, is it new that she started coloring?Maybe given the fact of messy handwriting, she's in a phase of pretending or reflecting on good times as a young child.Then this becomes the topic of examination.Does she feel insecure about being on the cusp of adolescence?Some of these questions can be asked directly and some are for you to first decide based on what you know of your daughter, which questions and what direction to take in understanding your daughter's motivation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?", "answerText": "This is your experience, your feeling and you are wondering if it is normal, which means is this common or the rule.This question about how you feel about your third child leads me to believe you are dis- turbed [etymology: agitated or stirred up]. Feelings are messages from our soul or spirit that something is not right. So, though it might be normal [common, the rule] to look forward to a one year olds nap time when you have a three year old a nine year old, the dis- turbance or stirring up in you,is important and requires your attention, your listening, if you will to your higher self."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?", "answerText": "This is a common response parents can have. There are many reasons for attachment disruption. But attachment is important for the child as well as your long term relationship with them. I would want to know more about the history of the child and any stressors you have gone through during the child's lifetime. Often if there is stress parents will not have the time or energy to attach well to the child. Sometimes the energy of the child and the parent are mismatched as well. But whatever is at the core this is something that can be addressed in counseling. The earlier the better because adult relationships are based on parental relationships we had as children. Therapy can start at age 3 to address these types of issues. Visit staceybshapiro.com for more information about getting started."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?", "answerText": "Congrats on being honest about the way you feel!Many people state having a favorite child so the reverse would also be possible, of having a least favorite child.Try to understand your own reasons for not liking your youngest child as much as the others.One point to consider is whether it is the child' personality or the way they interact with you which gives you the feeling of not liking this child as much as the others, or does the reason have more to do with younger children requiring more care?Also, do you generally prefer older kids to younger ones? It is possible the problem will go away as your youngest grows older.Is there another parent in the household who can make up for what you feel unable to naturally give to your youngest?Is it possible you feel your own need to be involved with activities or to have time on your own? Maybe you simply need a break from constant mothering.Continue to give as much as possible to your youngest child."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was a single mom most of their growing up life and have guilt about trying to work three jobs and being gone a lot. My children are successful with their own business's, have lots of nanny and cleaning help, but I just feel they have such a great opportunity to spend it with their kids.", "answerText": "You seem to have been a very positive influence in your kids' lives.They may have worked so hard because they understood how difficult and tiring your life was as a single mom.I feel you are seeing your kids' lives through the measurement of how much toil was in your life as a single mom.In other words, what you see your kids overlooking or not appreciating, may remind you of your wishes during the many years you raised your kids.If it helps you and is possible, then maybe you could spend more of your own time tougher with your grandkids. This may give some reward for the many years you spent working to support your kids and had no choice in the amount of time you had with your kids.As far as your kids relationship to their kids, it is now their turn to raise them as they wish, within ethical boundaries of course.Depending on the topics you and your kids talk about, consider to bring up your concern as to whether they feel their kids, your grandkids, are missing anything due to the limited time they have with the parents."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.", "answerText": "Well, first let's identify what factors are involved in the situation about which you wrote.Are you the only decision maker regarding your stepdaughter living with you?Is her dad, and your partner, living under the same roof?Would you feel any obligation to consult with your husband about his opinion and his way of handling the situation?Have you talked with your stepdaughter about your observation and your reaction to the fact of her not honoring your boundaries?Consider too that there will be an effect on the toddler, your grandchild, if you kick out your daughter.Is your daughter financially ready to live on her own and support herself and her child?You certainly have the right to define the terms of what goes on under your roof.It is only fair to everyone that as many variables as possible, be considered.The conclusion may be that it is in everyone's best interest for your stepdaughter to move out.If everyone feels respected and a well thought out plan is developed, then the least amount of hurt and stress, and the most amount of happiness, will be possible from this change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.", "answerText": "This is something you will have to discuss with your husband. It should be a joint decision if you value your marriage. You can mention your frustration about your stepdaughter not honoring boundaries. After you talk to your husband you both can have a talk with your stepdaughter about expectations in order to stay living in the house. When it comes to stepchildren you need to be very careful you do not take the lead on the authority part. It should be the biological parent."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.", "answerText": "It may be helpful to first have a discussion about what you are expecting and put a timeframe on it that if she is not doing certain things by a certain date, she will have to leave. If you don't know where she can go, there is probably a list of shelters for the county that you live in."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!! I pray you have other strong and supportive loved ones or friends surrounding you. If you are in school, please consider speaking with a counselor on site who can help give you some good coping mechanisms as well as other resources.I believe most therapists would agree that this type of behavior is indicative of emotional AND verbal abuse. And quite often the two overlap because someone who is being yelled at and demeaned is also frequently having his/her emotions preyed upon as well.Healthy Placeoffers us some great examples of emotional abuse which certainly fit the criteria of what you describe:Yelling or swearingName calling or insults; mocking.Threats and intimidation.Ignoring or excluding.Isolating.Humiliating.Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim.And abuse survivor and author, Kellie Jo Holly, offers some other great examples of verbal abuse:Emotionally Abusive StatementsYoure so cute when you try to concentrate! Look at you trying to think.I cant believe I love a stupid jerk.Aw, come on, cant you take a joke?Sexually Abusive StatementsYou should know how to please me by now.I hoped you were less experienced.Stop acting like a whore.Financially Abusive StatementsYou are going to nickel and dime me to death!In what world does buying that make sense?Fine. You handle your finances. Let me know when things go to hell.Societally Abusive StatementsHow dare you spread around our private business!Let me do the talking; people listen to men.You took a vow in front of God and everybody and I expect you to honor it!Threatening and Intimidating StatementsIf you dont train that dog Im going to rub your nose in its mess.I will take our kids if you leave me.Youre scared?! This isnt angry! You will KNOW when Im ANGRY!Spiritually Abusive StatementKeep your stupid beliefs to yourself.God will find a way to get you back, and it aint gonna be pretty.I can feel myself being pulled into hell just listening to your nonsense!It's been my personal clinical experience that children who are experiencing the types of things you describe often say they feel misunderstood, lonely, or scared and don't want to make things worse by standing up for themselves.Even if you feel you can't defend yourself outwardly, that doesn't mean your father's awful and toxic behavior is something you should ever internalize (i.e., believe to be true) which is why I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who will speak life and positivity back over you. We are ALL worthy of respect, love, and kindness. Don't ever forget that!My love and light to you hon.Tamara Powell, LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse.The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you.If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad.I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "Yes, this emotional abuse. There is no abuse without emotional abuse. His abuse is demeaning and can have lasting negative impact on your perspective of your self and people around you. Please find someone support to talk to."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Having said that, everyone gets upset once in awhile and may yell or scream, which can be disrespectful. You said \"always, and I mean always\" and that is troubling. If your dad curses and screams at you on a regular and consistent basis, it can (as you stated) impact the way you feel about yourself.While the definitions of child abuse differ from state to state, talking to someone can help. Perhaps there is a counselor at school, or another trustworthy person you could confide in to help you understand how this situation is impacting you? Counseling is a good option.There is also help available through the national hotline at1-800-422-4453, 24 hours a day, 7 days aweek. You can call (press 1) and talk to a counselor while being anonymous. You can also check out this website:https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/resources-kids/I am sorry that you are going though this situation. There is help available. You do not have to go through this situation alone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "Yes, screaming and cussing at your child is considered abuse.Here are two points I suggest you consider for your situation.If your dad is ever calm when you and him are with one another, ask for some time to talk about your relationship with him.Schedule it for sometime in the near future from your request. This way he has time to consider his points of view on his relationship to you. Even if he does no thinking about your relationship at all, he will not feel pressured by the surprise of suddenly being expected to talk about a topic he may prefer to prepare himself.My second point to you is to keep steady in your own views of who you are. When a parent demeans and mistreats a child, the child is affected in a negative way. Concentrate on loving yourself and keeping people in your friendship circle who care about you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My step nephew, a preteen, has begun masturbating. I also had to take away the internet because he was caught looking up porn. Im worried about him.", "answerText": "Your nephew's behavior sounds normal and developmentally appropriate. Masturbation is a healthy expression of sexuality. Most families to create some rules about where it's ok to masturbate-- for example, stating that it should be done in the privacy of the child's own room. I'm wondering if you or another adult in his life have talked to him about his developing sexuality? It seems like that would help him and you handle his increasing maturity."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We have tried gentle talking, counting to calm her and talking about it, sending her to her room and then trying to talk when shes calmer, and now calisthenics. However, nothing is working.", "answerText": "There's two things this post relays - one, which I'm sure you've already looked into - is working with the school to address this problem. Sure, sometimes kids don't get along, but most schools look at bullying seriously, and this sounds serious.The other, though, is additional tools to consider to help your daughter. If you haven't already read Greene's Explosive Child, you might give it a shot. While it's a little preachy, many of the tools are wonderful and can help parents navigate tantrums. https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451Another tool that can redirect a child that's losing it is a task. If her tantrums, say, involve throwing things, maybe she's in charge of throwing all the sticks and acorns off the driveway into the garbage bin. Ie: 'Hey Jenny, you seem really angry right now, let's use all that energy and get some work done!' Go with her, throw with her, even - if possible - making a game out of getting the acorns into the bin from a distance.I wish you all the best~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my 30s with 2 kids and no job and I'm behind on the bills. I've been trying everything with no results. I feel like everyone else puts their needs in front on mine. I give intil it hurts and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my babies I've been struggling for 5 yrs in a relationship with no communication and no alone time. How can I get some support?", "answerText": "Financial stability is probably a good place to start your new life project.If your partner doesn't work or doesn't contribute his money to the household bills, then maybe you are eligible for some type of stipend from the government.Especially since you have kids the child welfare service may intervene to help you. Sometimes too, a partner who is unwilling to pay for their kids' wellbeing may be pressured by child welfare to make regular contributions to you and your kids.I''m glad you are thinking of your needs and those of your kids. This is the philosophy which will show you what road to follow so all three of you are in a secure financial place."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my 30s with 2 kids and no job and I'm behind on the bills. I've been trying everything with no results. I feel like everyone else puts their needs in front on mine. I give intil it hurts and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my babies I've been struggling for 5 yrs in a relationship with no communication and no alone time. How can I get some support?", "answerText": "I would want to know where do you put your needs? Often times we show people how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves. First identify how to practice good self care which can only happen when you are authentic and real about your needs and desires. You cannot pour from an empty cup and must take find the time to explore your purpose in life. It may be helpful to seek out additional support to work on your intrapersonal relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter was overly tired and throwing a fit at her grandparent's house. She wanted to come home at midnight and cried screamed said she said she hated her grandma and that she wanted to kill herself! We also have a new baby in the house i didn't know if this would contribute to this. How should I approach this?", "answerText": "You wrote a very full family context w many directions to examine.Do you know or can you find out what the grandma and your daughter were doing in the evening of the screaming episode?Is it possible the grandma abuses your daughter, or tells her scary stories, watches scary movies. These are only suggestions of some problem between grandma and your daughter.Also, ask your daughter directly why she wants to kill herself and what' killing herself\" means. Seven year olds don't have a concept of death being a forever condition. Seven year olds don't have a sense of future meaning besides liking/disliking them. Maybe the new baby is a factor. Do you feel this is a factor? Trust your intuition to tell you if your daughter is resentful of your new baby.Even if she is, I doubt a seven year old has the capacity to connect current unhappiness with the intention of a future action, including suicide."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "The birth mother attempted suicide several times while pregnant. The adopted mother was terminally ill upon adopting the baby and died when the child was just over one year old. The adopted father then remarried to a physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive woman. The child was placed in foster care at 11 years old. What might be the long term effects on an adult with this childhood history?", "answerText": "The true answer is, \"no one can really say with certainty\".The variables are the way this child absorbs and adjusts to these significant changes in their life. All anyone can do is guess at this point and there's no good reason to guess.The only general certainty is that the adult whom this child becomes will have had a profound encounter with the biggest types of human losses a child can go through.Some people become great teachers, therapists and philosophers who have this background. Some give up on life and hide away from others.The best anyone could do who knows this child is to offer love bc this is the greatest guarantee to show there are good people on this earth."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment.", "answerText": "Parents are to teach discipline tochildren, not punishment. Punishment is another word for wanting to cause hurt. There is a different in discipline and punishment.Punishment could have long term affects on a child's self image and growth. It can lead to others issues such as bullying from peers as well. Whatever your grandson has done, there is a much better way of getting him to understand that his actions are not acceptable. Punishment is not one them. Encourage the step-mother to build a positive relationship with him, this way he will learn to respect and trust her. His actions would improve. She may need to attend a parenting class for blended families."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment.", "answerText": "Absolutely not!It is never in a child's best interest to use humiliation as punishment. This can lead to issues in the relationship between parent and child as well as the child's social relationships. Kids have a hard enough time. To then go and cause them embarrassment is unconscionable.The entire job of a parent is to prepare their child to become a successful, healthy adult. You do this by using healthy ways to teach a child when they make a mistake. Discipline shouldn't be seen as punishment. It should be seen as a way to teach a lesson. What lesson could this possibility be teaching him? Absolutely nothing.Meanwhile, she is most likely damaging her relationship with him and causing great distress in his school day and peer interactions.She should be one of the people he can come to when he's hurting; not someone who causes him pain."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi! I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with this situation. I have worked with a number of young adults in their 20's who have had to move back home after college , or even stay at home through the college years. Bottom line is that either way , it is so difficult when you are trying to discover who you are and what you want your life to be , to have to live at home. I have even heard much older adults clients say that when they visit their childhood home , they suddenly feel like a \"kid\" again . The old dynamics between adults and their parents and siblings can pop right up as if they have gone back in time and are no longer adults !I would suggest that you approach your mom and say something like \"I am hoping we can talk about the best way for us to manage me living here. I really appreciate that you are giving me a place to live until I get on my feet , and I want to be respectful of you and our home ; at the same time , though, I feel like it's important for me to have more independence than when I was younger because I am growing up and trying to learn more about myself and become more autonomous. Can we talk about what might be fair rules that we can both live with ?\"If she is receptive , maybe you can each write a separate list of what you think would be fair and reasonable and then compare lists and try to make compromises and come up with a list of \"guidleines\" that feel fair to you both . If this is too hard to do alone , perhaps you and your mom can meet with a therapist a few times who can help you to come up with some kind of \"compromise contract.\" This is not an easy situation , but if you can approach your mom in a calm and \"mature\" way and suggest a planned, structured discussion that doesn't take place in the heat of the moment , your mom may be impressed by your maturity and even more receptive to working out some rules that you can both live with.Good luck !!Elissa Gross"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hello. Even though legally you are an adult, it is a matter of courtesy to respect the homes of your parents. As long as you live there, you should be considerate of their needs. At the same time, there should be conversation about what each of you considers appropriate as it pertains to communication between a parent and an adult (even though you are still her offspring). This will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to give from both sides in a respectful way. Healthy boundaries can be established and honored when each is willing to do their part in this new relationship. Your mother knows you are an adult, but has not had as many years of treating you like one. So mentally and emotionally this will take some time for her to adapt. Share your concerns with her, and see if you can come up with a set of rules that you both can honor. It will be a great stepping stone for both of you as you move into this new chapter together as you begin relating a little differently.Reach out for help to a counselor if needed. You don't have to sort this out on your own. And lastly, take good care of yourself in the process. You are moving through some exciting times in your life. The more you can have support as you explore new events, the better you might feel less stressed.Warm regards."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as \"controlling\". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to \"see your point\". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out.www.lifecounselingorlando.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone. If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there. I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon. Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict. If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awarenessofexpectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by themand supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece withthem to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "That is a really tough situation that a lot of young people are experiencing right now. The first thing to under is that you cant change who your parents are and cannot change their behavior. The thing to keep in mind is that you can control your responses and actions. You may need to keep living at home with them for the next few months or years and the best way to do this is to have a plan. The second thing is to keep in mind that their controlling behavior is most likely not about based your behavior. Controlling parents are often driven by their concept of what will keep their children safe and happy. Unfortunately this is not always accurate but keep in mind it is not a personal attack. There are ways you can deal with controlling parents and most of them require creating a plan of action.Examples of action plans:Decide in advance how youll calmly and rationally respond to your parents when you feel theyre trying to control youArrange to phone a friend or trusted adult when you feel like youre losing controlTalk in person to an adult you trust. There arent any quick tips on how to deal with parents who want to control you; you need to find strategies that are geared to your specific family situation. Get specific coping tips from books about family dynamics, such as:Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan ForwardCutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard HalpernA counselor can be a good resource and provide support and guidance about issues addressing normal growth and development during periods of transition."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do?", "answerText": "If you're actually able to afford to move out and support your own life, then this is a reasonable choice.If you're not in such a position and must continue for a while to live w your dad, then emotionally protect yourself from him.Doing so is much more difficult than maybe it sounds.Do you have privacy in your house and can you spend more time in a self-created safe space than around your dad?Also, limit the amount of dialogue you have with him so you don't offer him a chance to feel invited to criticize you.Are there other people who live in the household w you and dad?If yes, then are they similarly called names or are you singled out by him?What do the other family members do when they hear your dad calling you names?Is it possible the other family members don't realize how hurt and upset you are by your dad's behavior?If yes, then make a project for yourself to tell the other family members that you suffer from your dad's name calling.It is possible the other family members will step in and tell your dad to stop.Not necessarily that he will stop. Knowing the others support you emotionally and find you credible is helpful on its own."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do?", "answerText": "Are you old enough to move out? Then by all means, what's stopping you?If not, is it possible for you to move in with another family member?If you're a minor, CPS may need to step in. They often do in cases of abuse. Your safety is the number one priority.It's difficult to offer advice without knowing more about your situation. But I can say this: Don't let other people define your self worth. You can choose NOT to allow him to make you feel anything. It really is that simple. By looking at it as a choice you make, you will be empowered to take control over your emotions and learn to feel better about yourself because your self-worth will no longer be defined by what someone else says about you or how they treat you.Let me say that again in a different way: Your self-worth is NOT defined by someone else. The way he treats you is a reflection of who he is as a person - not you. Don't take ownership of that!I understand that if you are a minor, setting healthy boundaries and refusing to accept this kind of treatment can be difficult. Reach out to others for help. But if you are 18 and over, there is absolutely no excuse for you to be there having to put up with maltreatment. Put up some boundaries and create the distance needed to protect yourself emotionally. You owe it to yourself, and deserve to live a healthy, happy life. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?", "answerText": "Yes, from what you wrote, your dad doesn't accept responsibility for the way he feels and blames you for his feelings.I'm glad you recognize he's handling himself less as a grown person and more like a young child.I also understand your hurt and frustration that your father handles himself in a way which shows for now that he is unwilling to respect your wishes.Your decision is not surprising since most people wouldn't want to live with a parent who shows little interest to respect their kids' decisions.In terms of how to tell him your choice, do this in simple and most basic information terms. \"I've decided for now to live w mom\".I suggest to not offer reasons to him bc he doesn't seem interested in hearing them. Giving him reasons would likely trigger him to rebut them.If he asks questions, answer them as simply as possible.If and when you feel he is more willing to understand and know you, then you'd feel more free to have genuine dialogue with him.Right now he doesn't seem very ready to handle this."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?", "answerText": "There is a lot of information that needs to be filled in first.So what the custody arrangement? Does your dad have full custody? Is the custody shared?What does your mom think about the situation? Is she willing to go to bat for you?What is your age? Usually you have the right to choose based on age requirements set by the state.Legally you can't be kept away from your mom unless there is some legal complications that prevent it.Is your father abusive and should you seek protection?Many details need to be filled in.You can seek counseling without your parents approving or knowing, depending on your age.Find counseling through school or local agencies.You have rights and one of those is the right to choose."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have three children: a biological daughter, a stepdaughter, and a stepson. I found out my stepdaughter overdosed today. My daughter blames me. I told her to stay out of it. I'm scared of all three kids now. They all blame me for their choices they made. All three have drug addictions. I had a stroke in 2013 so I need to depend on people from now on.", "answerText": "Blaming others is one of our greatest coping mechanisms. It is not just for addiction, and often we blame the ones closest to us. You can not stop them from blaming you, you can stop yourself for taking on the burden. We are all in charge of the choices we make. No one makes us do something other than our self. We choose how we internalize and react to situations. I would find a good therapist who understands family dynamics and addiction to help you cope with your current environment and help you move forward."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She refuses to talk to me and told my mom (her grand mother) that she is remembering things from the past. I don't know what to do. My daughter blames me and swears she hates me. My parents say I should just let my daughter live with her dad, but I don't see how I could fix things if I only see her every other weekend. What should I do?", "answerText": "Sorry to hear about your high degree of stress.How old is your daughter?Who abused yours daughter?The answers make a difference to your decision.Obviously if the father was the abuser, then unless your ex demonstrates to you and you believe, he will not abuse her, your daughter should stay with you.If someone other than the father was the abuser and the father has a good relationship with your daughter, then it is possible that the time away from your household will give each of you time away from arguing with one another.What does your daughter tell you she wants?Her wishes must be considered too.Relationships can be fixed. Sometimes being apart helps this process because the two people each have time to reflect more deeply on what they value about the other."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She's a teenager, and for the last two years, she's lived with her older brother. She's angry because she wants to come live with me, but my current living situation is not the best for her. She refuses to see any reason. She's being disrespectful. Her sexual curiosity is waking up.", "answerText": "You're her mom and she needs you. I would suggest focusing on connection. Since you are not currently living together, one way to do this would be to plan a date in which she gets to decide what you do together. Give her time to think about what she wants to do. As long as the activity is safe and affordable, try to do it, even if it's not your thing. While you are with her, turn off the phone and give her your undivided attention. The goal would be just for you to enjoy each other and connect."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die.", "answerText": "Children often have a difficult time expressing emotions accurately. It is also very likely that your daughter does not understand the permanence of death. Having said that, she is using some very specific ideas here and I would recommend contacting a local mental health professional with some experience working with children.I would also wonder where she is getting this idea. Sometimes children hear things on TV or from an adult and we are not even aware of how much they are remembering.It may be helpful to teach her things that she can do when she is angry, like say that she is mad because she cannot have the toy that she is asking for.I'm curious as to how long it is that she stays mad like this and whether she talks to her dad after she is no longer angry. Does she say the same sorts of things about you?It may also be helpful for you to work with a mental health professional (possibly the same one who is working with your daughter) so that you can have some support with this as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die.", "answerText": "Toddlers don't have the intellectual capacity to conceptualize.Better to find out why she wants daddy to die than explain the future consequences of death to your toddler.A person must be around 9, possibly 8 years old before absorbing the potential effects of an action taken in present time.Pretty much your toddler demonstrated to you here age appropriate and limited understanding of the loss of a parent, by crying that you weren't able to magically make her father disappear.Also, please pay attention and form your own opinions as to the reasons why your toddler would wish her father's death.She may be pointing out that the father behaves in frightening or harmful ways towards her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die.", "answerText": "It's normal for a child to be so angry she wanted someone to die, but this seems to be heading into a dangerous realm. I think it would be wise to have her seen by a child psychologist just to rule out anything more serious."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husbands ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husbands ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has \"repented.\" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.", "answerText": "If the daughters are old & mature enough to understand substance abuse. They should be told for their own empowerment. KNOWLEDGE is their power of safety and protection."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husbands ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husbands ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has \"repented.\" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.", "answerText": "The information from the other therapists here is sound and prudent. There are what sounds to be real legal (is this man a RSO [registered sex offender]; is he prohibited from being in proximity to minors? use/possession of child porn violates any # of state and federal statues...) and safety issues at play here. Your husband's daughters have an immediate \"need to know\" and this can be done developmentally-contextual, factually and in a non-shaming fashion.I would further counsel that you and your husband (his daughters welfare is at stake) seek immediate legal counsel.The ex-wife here seems to be between a \"rock and a hard place\" of her own creation -- she desperately needs care, treatment for herself.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) http://www.missingkids.com/home; 2)https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/citizens-guide-us-federal-law-child-pornography"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husbands ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husbands ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has \"repented.\" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.", "answerText": "Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults.Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe.This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, \"repented\" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Her father and I have been dealing with this problem for quite some time now. She is an adolescent, and the problem is mostly food. She is now overweight, and we just don't know what to do anymore. She can be disrespectful and doesn't listen to or respect what we say.", "answerText": "I would be curious about there potentially being some emotional or physical trauma in your daughter's history that she is struggling with. Physical trauma is usually easier to identify, but emotional trauma can be feeling a lack of emotional connection in her important relationships, having experienced bullying, or some other emotional injury. The fact that there are some defiance symptoms going on suggests that she might be in need of a safe place to process what she's going through, and the potential issue with control or meeting emotional needs with food is also concerning. I would recommend looking for a therapist/counselor who works with children/adolescents in the area of addressing trauma for an assessment. They may be able to ask the right questions to see whether trauma is truly the issue."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Can a counselor take sides with one parent and allow a parent to order the child to tell the counselor \"every detail\" about what happened during the other parents visitation in order to help build a case for child custody?", "answerText": "I see a few issues here:First, the age of the child is important. If the child is considered an \"adult\" by state law with regard to counseling (states differ on this - the range is typically between age 13 and age 18), no one is allowed to be in the session without the child's consent.Second, ethical and legal standards generally require that a counselor be in the role of a therapist, or in the role of an evaluator, but not both. This means that a counselor should not generally provide both counseling and offer an opinion regarding who should have custody of a child.Third, knowing the details of any parenting plan or separation agreement is important. Generally, either parent can consent to counseling for a minor child and can be present during the childs sessions. If a court order, parenting plan, or separation agreement specifies that one of the parents has sole decision making authority, then only that parent can consent to counseling for the minor child and only that parent can be present during the childs sessions.In a situation like this I would strongly recommend seeking out legal advice specific to your state law."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again.", "answerText": "Sounds as though your son is \"pissed off\" about something.Punishment will most likely result in more of the same, not less of the peeing you would like to stop from happening.\"Laziness\" is more of a social judgement than it is a characteristic of its own merit.Is this your description of your son or his description of himself?First step always before addressing any of the family dynamics, emotions, and psychology of the people involved, is a medical rule out as to why your son pees at times he plays video games.If he has medical clearance that there is no physiological problem, then talk with your son on his opinions as to why he pees, if he is aware of the urge to pee and ignores it, or that his attention gets so absorbed he doesn't notice the urge to pee.See what modifications you can create by cooperating with your son.Maybe it is as simple as each two hours, he sets a timer and when it goes off, he takes a bathroom break."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again.", "answerText": "From a behavioral standpoint you should refrain from punishing your son. Instead of utilizing punishment when he wets himself provide contingencies prior to any accidents. Sit down with your son and discuss the importance of utilizing the bathroom and responsibilities and inform him that if he chooses to wet his pants that his video games will not be available for use for him the next day(or your designated realistic time frame).This way if an accident occurs, no heated words have to be exchanged because you have already laid the ground work. Also allow him to clean up himself. Gather cleaning supplies and and oversee cleaning operations without ridicule or negative feedback. Since you have stated that you have an adolescent who is experiencing enuresis, you may want to check with your PCP and a licensed professional for underlying diagnosis that can be treated. You can also call a local behavioral analyst."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?", "answerText": "It can be tricky to figure out if a child is truly satisfied with his lack of friendships. Parents can usually tell when their child is happy. But kids who are unhappy may be masking disappointment, perhaps acting out their feelings in an aggressive manner. Others may internalize symptoms, appearing sad or withdrawn.A parent may learn a great deal by asking the teachers questions such as whether the child works with others on group projects or if he eats lunch alone. A parent can also talk with the recess supervisor about what happens on the playground, and whether your child stays on the sidelines of play, unsure of how to join the group.Therespectfully is a difference between kids who are shy but happy and kids who feel isolated because they do not know how to make friends. Itis not necessarily that there is something wrong with that child, but they will in fact need help and suggestions for breaking into a peer groupAsk a child if there is someone he would like to have over to play. If a mom or dad can make the play dates happen, or if they hit on an activity the child truly enjoys, the young person may begin to forge friendships on their own.I encourage well-meaning parents to choose words carefully. Use phrases like, \"Hey, I noticed something,\" or \"Let me help you be successful.\" By showing respect, parents should feel more comfortable nudging their children beyond their comfort zone.When to seek professional help.When does isolation raise a red flag for long-term issues? True personality disorders are not typically diagnosed until adulthood. Still, professional counseling should be considered if the anti-social behavior is causing the child significant distress, perhaps keeping him from functioning in everyday activities. Also, parents should pay attention to how the child's social behavior changes over time such as social anxiety.The vast majority of children who define \"quality time\" as time alone are perfectly happy, healthy and normal. If the child is able to nurture at least one friendship, exhibiting what experts call \"social reciprocity,\" then parents can relax, and can cherish that child who enjoys the pleasure of his or her own company."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?", "answerText": "I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?", "answerText": "Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring \"just during recess\" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further.Hope this helps,C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?", "answerText": "The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing.Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess?Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess?How is his academic progress?How is his social integration among his classmates?Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment?Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Me and my adult daughter just do not get along. She's very belittling to me when I don't agree with her. It's almost like she scolds me. We get into all out war. She's said I don't support her in what she does and that I've never loved her. She calls me horrible names, and she pushes my buttons to the point I call her names.", "answerText": "As frustrating and probably hurtful as your daughter's comments sound, there's also a message in them about how she genuinely feels.To some degree, your daughter and you may both feel similarly misunderstood by the other.Developing ways of listening and talking to one another to better understand how you each feel, would probably help a lot.One major point to be aware, is that the mother/daughter relationship dynamic, because it is strong, may slow the new dynamic of relating as two adults.Watch for your own tendency to expect your daughter to consider you as a parenting authority, instead of considering her as a grown person.The same is true of your daughter. She may need to remind herself to talk to you as the adult she is.Her needs from you are real, they just need to be spoken to you in an adult way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We are the legal guardianship of our grandson. He has been acting out, and he wants to talk to his mom that has not talked to him since before last year. How are we to handle this?", "answerText": "Hi Boone, This depends a lot on his age and the situation. The younger the child is, in general, the more I would see this as your decision, not his. A child of any age should be listened to carefully about these matters, but just because a child has unresolved issues about a parent doesn't necessarily mean that having contact is a good solution.Some questions... Was the parent harmful to the child? Is the parent likely to be harmful to the child? How likely is it to be a positive experience? Do you have any contact with the parent? You may want to speak with the parent first to determine whether they are in a stable enough place to allow this to happen. I would start by asking the child more about what is on his mind. What does he want to get out of a visit with the parent? Is it to see them and know the parent is okay, to get an apology, to apologize for a perceived hurt, to have regular contact, to find out if they are loved...? What does he hope mom or dad might do or say in the visit? There are many possible goals this child might have in mind. This will give you a sense of what's missing for the child; what need are they trying to fill. Once you know the need, try to determine the likelihood of that need being met successfully through contact.Once you determine the risk of the child's need not being met, then you decide whether it makes sense. The older the child, the more able they are to determine this with you or for themselves.There are other options than a face-to-face. He can write to his mom or dad, text or email.It's likely that the child is looking for a sense that he is loved, wanted, worth some effort. When a child is separated from a parent, they tend to blame themselves. Whether he sees the parent or not, he will need extra love, attention and support than a child who has two loving, present parents. I wish him the best and I'm grateful for the love and support you continue to give your grandson. You're very special!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I dont deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. Im not sure how to handle this.", "answerText": "Hi, I understand what you're going through. Your daughters favor him because he has done no wrong in their eyes. Im guessing they lived with you? Growing up I was the same way.. I favoured my dad, thinking he has done no wrong. He also abused my mother multiple times, and that never came to mind. kids like their other parent more mainly because they don't see them everyday, and they usually buy them everything they want, because all he does it pay child support (by force) and then spoil their kids to make them happy. You seem like a great mom, don't doubt yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I dont deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. Im not sure how to handle this.", "answerText": "It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be \"choosing\" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We live with my ex-partners sister and her husband. We have been there for five years now. They are Hispanic and talk to my daughter in their language. Sometimes they overstep their balance between aunt and uncle and reach into my role as a parent. They neglect to see this. I do, and it reflects in my child's behavior. She sees them as stable but is upset that her dad isn't here, and my intuition tells me she blames me to a degree because she doesn't know about his alcohol addictions.", "answerText": "Hi New York, I'm happy to hear that your daughter doesn't know about her dad's addictions. Although you don't say how old she is,and I imagine that at some point in her life she will be ready to know the truth, I trust your instinct that now is not the time. Your ability to have clear boundaries about what is adult conversation and what is suitable for a child to know are really important here, and I can tell you're being appropriately protective and a thoughtful parent. As much as this helps your daughter, I sense that you also know you can't take away the emotional pain that comes from having an absent parent. Children tend to blame themselves for a parent's absence. These children need extra love and support wherever they can get it.You say that you feel like there is a wedge between you and your daughter. I understand that having your ex partner's relatives in the same home would make it uncomfortable at times. It is very important to establish boundaries; only you should parent your daughter, but it's also natural for people to want to assist you. Let's trust that their intentions are good, if there is no evidence to the contrary. As much as they support you, they also have emotional ties to your daughter's father.While there is potential for discomfort in this complex situation, there are also many positive factors here that I invite you to see.I don't know what your culture is, but for your daughter to have the opportunity to preserve her father's heritage language and a relationship with his family are potentially wonderful additions to her life. In general, the more adults around loving and supporting a child, the better.It could be that you are feeling threatened by small moments where there appears to be a special connection between your daughter and her father's family. Nothing anyone else does can take your daughter's love from you. My hope for you is that you can feel so secure in your own position as loving mother that you will not feel intimidated by other positive connections your daughter has. They are potentially wonderful connections, and she deserves your support in maintaining those relationships if they don't harm her.I suggest that the most important alliances to work on here are between you and your ex's family. If you could all give your daughter the gift of a healthy, united supportive and loving safety net for her...that's the best outcome of all."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My brother just broke up with his girlfriend. While they were dating for the past two years, her son spent the weekends with me and my mother. Now she doesn't think her son should have any interaction with us. How should we approach the situation? Is she doing the right thing for her child?", "answerText": "Hi Tampa, I get that this is a loss for all of you; you have bonded with this child as a result of the significant time you have spent with him. He's a lucky boy to have had you all taking care of him. Certainly, it seems that his mother might not be making the best decision for her son; if you are willing to maintain the relationship, it would be good for him to still have that contact. In my book, the more people loving a child, the better.But, ultimately, she has the right to make these decisions. To oppose her won't likely do any good. You can focus on grieving this relationship and supporting your brother through his loss as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and shes on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boyhe is now in his late 30s. She doesnt even have custody of herself. She hasnt asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue?", "answerText": "Hi Fontana,Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that \"no\" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her.First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared.As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying \"but maybe later\". No need to apologize or hum and haw...\"We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the \"but\" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own.\"If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesnt want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?", "answerText": "Has the father or the visitation supervisor contacted you regarding why your daughter hasn't shown up for the past three years' worth of supervised visitation?Or is the supervised visitation a new development for the bio dad and your daughter?If no one is pressuring or expecting your daughter to show up, no one has even asked where she is, why she isn't present, then I don't see any reason for you to offer more effort by your daughter, than the father is willing to make for seeing her.If your daughter is willing to talk with a therapist, then let her find out first hand if the sessions seem useful or not.The one move I'd avoid is to force your daughter to go to a therapist since growing up in a household in which child abuse took place, being forced may remind her of her own feelings from this past, of feeling no one heard or cared about the way she wanted to be treated."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesnt want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?", "answerText": "Hi Dillon,I'm from Canada, so I don't know the laws in your state. It depends on that a good deal, perhaps.In my opinion, a child should never be forced into a situation where they feel unsafe, even if it is \"supervised\". If the child is old enough to make a strong statement about not wanting to see a parent, then this should be honoured.Unfortunately, the laws don't always uphold a parent's right to do what is best for their child. I recommend you see a lawyer, who will advise you about how to proceed without putting yourself at risk of breaching custody agreements.If you feel your daughter can benefit from therapy, that is a separate question. Or is she already in therapy? A family therapist will typically meet with you alone first, in order to determine if therapy is a wise move for your child. It isn't always appropriate."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been in a relationship for two years. We have an infant son. My fianc also has a child from a previous relationship. We do not live together. I live with my mother currently while I get on my feet, and he's living with some friends. My mother and I have an awful relationship that is completely unbearable most of the time. We cannot even stand to be around one another while living in the same house. She has made it clear that she wants me gone. Recently, I was talking to my father who lives in a different state. My father and I have always had a good relationship. I explained to him the situation I am in with my mother, and he said he would like for me, my fianc, and our son to come live with him and his wife. I would really love to go. I do not want my son to be in this environment with constant arguing and negativity any longer. There is nowhere else for me to stay while remaining in this state. The problem is my fianc is refusing to move away with me because he does not want to leave behind his other child. He and his child's mother have a horrible relationship, and she would absolutely not be willing to let him visit if we moved away. I believe I would be doing what is best for my child by moving away, but I do not want to leave without my fianc. I have already explained the situation to him, and he will not give in. Do I continue to stay in this negative environment with my child and keep our family together? Do I move away with my child and have my relationship end? I do not want to take him out of either of his kids lives. What do I do?", "answerText": "Hi Bethlehem,You have a big decision to make. I appreciate your fianc's need to stay close to his child and be a stand-up dad, and I am glad that you know your son needs an emotionally safe place.I'm a bit confused, because the obvious answer seems to be that you and your fianc would get your own place together.I get that you want your dad to take care of all of you, but maybe it's time to take responsibility for your own future and start building it independently of either parent. I say that without knowing how old you are, but if you have a child and a two year relationship, you basically have declared your independence anyway.I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Just wondering if this is a deviant act, and if I should be concerned for him. He isnt quite 10.", "answerText": "Well it's certainly unusual, and potentially could be cause for alarm. It's a passive aggressive act if done intentionally, so I would wonder if this child is trying to say something.I think without any context, however, or sense of whether there are other signs of disturbance, it's impossible to say what's going on. If there are other signs of distress or very unusual behaviours, you might bring the child to someone who can assess him properly."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend has a child he gets every other weekend. He goes to see her twice a week or more. Every time she leaves, he gets into these funks like when his mom died. When shes here, shes disrespectful, and his answer is Well, I dont know what to tell you. She swears and talks back, and he laughs. He and her mom have been apart for three years, and he blames her behavior on that and her being so young. We never have adult time when shes not here. Shes the \"golden child,\" and he wont listen to anyone.", "answerText": "Hi Lockport, Building a relationship when there are already children involved is very tricky. You don't tell us whether you live together or not. If you do, your position is perhaps more difficult, because his daughter's behaviours affect you; you live in the home.A bottom line for me is you don't tell someone else how to parent. That's for your boyfriend to decide. When he's there, he's the parent, and he makes the decisions about how she is disciplined (or not). Even if you have good ideas or you completely disagree, or you think you see something that he's not seeing, it's simply not for you to interfere there.It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling emotionally and needs support. He has had a lot of losses in his life and maybe every time his daughter leaves he feels powerless and abandoned. Do you talk about these things? Can you find that line of supporting him but not telling him what to do?Although I suggest you leave the parenting to him, what you can do is tell him what you see, offer suggestions if he's open to it, and talk about the ways in which the situation affects you. It makes sense to say \"I see you struggling and I don't know how to help\", \"I've noticed that you seem afraid to discipline her. Are you aware that it's coming across this way? Do you need help?\", or \"I feel sad and frustrated when we don't spend any time alone together.\"You sound a bit resentful of his daughter. Is it possible that your real struggle is about whether you're ready to be in a relationship with a man whose priority is his child?You have a voice, and it's great to offer support and ideas and let him know how you feel. Ultimately, however, you are wise to accept this man as who he is and accept the situation for what it is, and make your own decision about whether you want to be a part of it. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-husband told my two adolescents that Santa doesn't exist on the day before Christmas. They are desperate to hold on to the magic of Christmas, but I don't know if it's right for me to lie to them and tell them that Santa is real. I don't want to let them down and make them lose out on those memories, but I also don't want to lose their trust.", "answerText": "Well Boise, the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it? I love that you want to help your kids keep the magic of Christmas. They must want that too if they still believe in Santa into their teen years, which is unusual, I believe. I wonder if they had already figured it out anyway?But they know now, and your ex had the right to tell them if he felt it was best. So it's time to explain to them what a loving and magical thing it is that parents do, and Christmas can still be magical in so many ways. Really, who says they have to stop believing in Santa? Santa is very real as a spirit of surprise, generosity and love."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the last year, my adolescent son and daughter have been driving me nuts with fighting. I'm at my wits end. How can I get them to stop and get along?", "answerText": "That is a good question. Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one. Kids fight for different reasons - wanting attention, wanting respect, feeling jealous, wanting space and to be left alone, or a whole bunch of other reasons. Regardless of the underlying motivations for fighting, most conflicts result from misunderstandings and assumptions about the motivations of others and one of the best ways to start figuring out what is going on is to sit them down and have some conversations with them.These conversations should be centred on getting a better understanding of why they are angry with each other and really understanding them. It is important that they each know that you are committed to understanding their experience rather than simply sitting them down and lecturing them about what they are doing wrong. The more they are able to understand each other and feel understood the more likely they will be cooperative and considerate of each other.One exercise for doing this that can be very helpful is \"active listening\" where one person speaks and the other person reflects back what they heard the other person say and then checks for understanding. This is hard to do but it often illuminates where the misunderstandings and assumptions are. If this doesn't work it may be time to get a family therapist or counsellor involved who can help facilitate dialogue and resolve conflict."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My toddler is having a real hard time with toilet training. He almost throws up every time he sees his poop. He gags and will not go on the toilet. We have tried a toilet chair and ring that goes on the big-boy toilet, but he refuses to use it. When he sits on the toilet, he just sits there forever and only will pee. He holds the poop in until he get up and then will poop in his diaper. I dump his diaper in the toilet and let him know that it is where it goes to try to encourage him. How can I help him get over this fear and passed the stress?", "answerText": "Your son is showing signs that he's just not ready to be toilet trained. You don't say how old he is, so I'm not sure whether the problem is deeper, but right his fears may reflect that right now he is simply be not ready to take that step. Pushing him at this point could worsen the problem, so I suggest pulling back the expectations, waiting a month or two, looking for more signs of readiness and trying again. In general, teaching children to use the toilet works best when \"mistakes\" are handled calmly and when parents pay close attention to cues that the child is responding positively."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im a senior high school student. Im also five months pregnant. I got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. My parents dont want us to communicate with each other. He cant even come to visit my gynecologist. My mom goes to attend all of my doctors appointments. Shes supportive of me. I wish, though, that my boyfriend was next to me and be able to see his daughter on a sonogram, at the very least. My family does not understand that he deserves that much. I cry all the time because I feel lost and hopeless. I need guidance and I believe that you can give it to me. Am I wrong for wanting him around? Are they right for keeping him away from the appointments and not letting us communicate with each other even though we are the parents? I do everything that they ask of me. I just want him to be around. When I ask my parents to let him be here, they call me a selfish person. Please help me.", "answerText": "You're not wrong for wanting to be with your boyfriend of three years who is also the biological father of your child.Do your parents object to you and your boyfriend continuing to see each other in person? Or, do they object only to electronic communication and don't want him involved in his child's life?Ask your parents what their reason is for forbidding you to communicate with your boyfriend. Ask them also to understand your point of view.Now is also a good time for you and your boyfriend to plan whether and where you will live as a family and how to financially and emotionally support one another once your baby is born.Your mom and dad are definitely making fatherhood difficult for your boyfriend and motherhood stressful for you.Consider bringing up the topic during your next obgyn visit. Your doctor may ask your mom to explain her reasons and address these.Look online for women's resources to see if there are clinics or agencies that would help you advocate for your position in this matter.Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, labor and delivery!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Tonight, my husband seemed to put our son down through an incorrect approach. His approach was perfectly wrong. I found myself defending my son. I told him that what he did was not the way to encourage our son. Instead of watching my husbands harsh behavior I decided to sit beside my son and, together, we worked on his science assignment in order to encourage him to study. My husband got upset and he was swearing at me. He threatened me. I knew that he was not joking. His words scared me a lot!", "answerText": "I have had these many cases, but in situations like this.... If it does get out of hand, the police do need to be involved. Sit down and talk to your husband when he is calm and collective."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She was raised by her abusive father and his wife. 30 years ago I shot and killed my rapist and was convicted in Louisiana. I lost custody of my daughter and served 5 years. When I was released, she was 5 and didn't remember me. Many many sad memories came from my having to leave her visit after visit, having to leave her in Texas to travel back to Louisiana. She doesn't remember that. I do. Over the years, I thought we had developed a close mother daughter relationship. She gave me good reason to doubt that on several occasions but especially last year. I have been cruel to her verbally and to my son who I met years after giving him up for adoption. Last night, I was angry at the world and afraid of God. I drank and cussed out a maintenance worker for not doing his job 4 months running. Now I'm not only feeling guilty for that but afraid of being evicted now. Help.", "answerText": "Was either parent abusive or violent toward you?You sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in life.One point to consider is to strive for moderation in what you offer in relationships.A lot of what you've lived through is extreme, either as victim or perpetrator.If you imagine that apologizing to the custodian for the way spoke to him, would calm him down, do so.At the very least, you'll be actively resolving your guilt over cussing at him, and fear of his retaliation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I regret ever hurting her and they mean the world to me. But it feels like nothing I do seem to work. I'll always love them no matter what and when I'm with them nothing else matters. I love them more then anything. I don't want another guy raising my kids.", "answerText": "How you you expressed your regret and taken responsibility for the pain thus far? Repair is a very essential skill in and part of developing healthy relationships. Your love sounds deep, sit with that. Also sit with how she's been hurt. You get to feel your hurt too and your kids. In feeling all this you may also find our way to the repair. If feeling all this is tough to take on, seek out a local therapist to support your process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes my step child, an 8 year old boy, choke my daughter, a 6 year old girl? This has been going on for 4 years. The boy tells my daughter not to tell on him. He knows it's wrong; we have did time out, spanking, taking away toys, and sitting on the wall. I am afraid for my daughters safety!", "answerText": "I can see why you are alarmed. That is a scary situation for a parent. Do you know if the child has been evaluated by a mental health professional? Early treatment is often the key. A professional will be able to help the child learn how to control their anger and mend the troublesome actions into more appropriate responses.Have you addressed your concerns with the child's other parent? There could be contributing factors in his life that could be causing these issues (exposure to violence, sexual/physical abuse, drug use, stressful events in his life, etc.). It is important that these factors are identified so that they can either be eliminated and/or reduced.I wouldn't hesitate to have him evaluated (if he hasn't been already) and to ensure that he is getting the help that he needs whether it be medication and/or therapy. Until then, I would make sure that he is always supervised under an adult's care."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "All my friends have either hooked up or had a girlfriend but me. I try to be happy for them, but I get really upset every time they hook up.", "answerText": "If you mean hooked up as having sex with no care for the person, and youd like a girlfriend, then realize relationships require more complex alignment with a partner than being a sex buddy.Pay attention to all your feelings toward a girl so that youll approach someone who attracts you for reasons in addition to sexual allure.Also, the process of knowing someone takes much more time than only to sleep with someone.Have patience and kindness toward yourself while you get to know the qualities which attract you to a potential girlfriend."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?", "answerText": "The feeling of never feeling good enough usually stems from our early relationship with ourparents or significant role models who made us to feel we were never good enough to meet their standards. In the healing process, you'll need to work on discovering the root source of where these thoughts and feelings come from and then learn to accept yourself just as you are unconditionally. I'd be pleased to help you in this process. I provide online private counseling through proventherapy.com. Dr. Rachelle Vaughan"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are aware of your positive traits but youare struggling with someone who does not acknowledge nor celebrate your efforts or achievements. It seems like that is affecting your inner voice, which allows you to accept yourself for who you are.My suggestion is to explore that relationshipand decide if that persons opinion should determine how you feel about yourself. If this is an important relationship, you could communicate to this person how the lack of positive feedback is affecting you. Then, work on spending more time with those who value you, and can give you praise, encouragement, and constructive criticism. Also, explore your religious beliefs, and what is they say about who you are as a person. Finally, explore with a Counselor your inner voice and try to figure out if the negative message is settling in and harming your self-esteem. Through therapy, you could learn to self-compassion and acceptance wich will help your self esteem.Cmo manejo el sentirme que no soy suficiente bueno?Siempre me dicen que no soy suficientemente bueno o no trato lo suficiente. Yo pongo el 100% en todo. Estoy agotado, he trabajado en todas mis relaciones, estoy muy bien en la escuela, trato bien a las personas que lo necesitan. Me aferro a mis creencias religiosas y dejo espacio para los errores, y aprendo de otros para no tener que cometer los mismos. Aun as no soy suficiente y nada de lo que hago funciona, me siento desesperanzado. Alguna idea o sugerencia?Al parecer estas consiente de tus caractersticas positivas, pero ests teniendo dificultad con alguien que no reconoce tus esfuerzos, ni logros, y eso est afectando esa voz interior que te permite aceptar quien eres.Mi sugerencia es que explores esa relacin y analices si la opinin de esta persona va a determinar cmo te valoras a ti mismo. Si es una relacin valiosa, puedes comunicarle a la persona en cuestin como te afecta la falta de comentarios y opiniones positivas. Luego enfcate en pasar ms tiempo con personas que te valoran, te dan halagos, te motivan y te aconsejan. Tambin explora que dice tu religin sobre quin eres como persona y cul es tu valor. Y por ltimo, explora con tu Consejero si ese mensaje negativo esta afectando tu autoestima. A travs de la terapia puedes aprender tecnicas auto compasin y aceptacin que ayudaran a fortalecerte."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?", "answerText": "Hi, I'm Amelia! Oh, this is a common problem, unfortunately! Let me say first of all, that doing more, giving more, loving more, performing more will never provide you with a sense of worth. Nor will it satisfy those that are critical and judgmental. I am so sorry to hear that this is what you've heard all your life! You are a human BEING not a human DOING.If you can get yourself in counseling with a trusted therapist who will accept you, encourage you, hear you and support you, you can begin to work on what truth worth is. My best to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.", "answerText": "Hello!I write to respond to your recent inquiry for possible increase in self-esteem and positive behavioral change regarding motivation for a new job.First of all, please try to allow yourself some time for grief of the loss of your dear grandmother. It appears you were close to her in many ways and she had a great influence in your life. The grief process of anger, denial, despair and acceptance may be a part of what is keeping you feeling \"stuck\" in a cycle of not feeling motivated to find work at this time. Perhaps your mind is constantly fighting this grief? Death can be a \"traumatic\" experience for some people and is considered a great loss, thus the grief process may continue to be a part of your world for a time but hopefully not keep you \"stuck\" on a long-term basis. I would try to reach out to a counselor to discuss this grief process at a deeper level to discern whether her death is part of why you feel this way. Grief and loss can also have an effect on your self-esteem. Can you begin to see how this cycle is what you may be experiencing?One positive I see is that you are continuing to look for a new job! Take time to give yourself some credit for the time you are spending looking for work. Also, I would recommend you set some short-term goals first for example, make a list of 5-10 potential new employers and send them each your resume. Then followup the next week with an email or phone call to make sure the hiring manager or human resources received your resume and have any questions. It is also a good idea to ask for \"informational interviews\" in order to get your foot in the door, so to speak.I hope that this information is helpful to you! Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.Warmly,Denise"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.", "answerText": "Wow, you got hit with some serious stuff all at once. Work, relationships, and housing/security are major needs for us and to lose all that at once has got to affect you. When things go wrong, it is natural for us to look for blame----and the easiest person for us to blame is ourselves. Put that with grief and you've got a recipe for feeling awful. We can start feeling so low as to want to check out with things like food, and TV as you described. It can take time for us to move to self-forgiveness, and self-kindness in order to start moving forward again. I wonder what you can do right now to improve your situation? I also wonder if you may be willing to seek counseling to help you work through some of this, to help with your perspective, and to assist in your grieving process. Just reading these 3 sentences, I get the sense of you being a nice person. I hope you can show that kind of kindness to yourself in your healing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.", "answerText": "Please practice being kind to yourself!! You lost your grandmother, your home and your job! Huge changes have just taken place and it would be challenging for anyone to be unfazed. And having said that, you wrote that you have been looking for a job, so that tells me that you have most definitely not failed yourself. Try taking it one day at a time. I encourage you to recognize (and even accept) that you're going through a particularly difficult time and that everything is temporary. When we are in something, it's difficult sometimes to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe you could allow yourself the grief that you are feeling, be in the tunnel, and trust that you will come through the tunnel to the other side. Be gentle and loving to yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "You've already taken the first step. You want to not hate yourself. Self-acceptance is hard! And it's on a spectrum. On one side we have self-hate, on the other extreme; self-love. And then, there is all this stuff in the middle. It kind of looks like thisAnd working toward self-love often means moving around through all these. Becoming aware of your emotions, exploring the parts of you you that easier and harder to accept, self-kindness, self-forgiveness, self-compassion and ultimately self-love. It is a recovery process and has to be an active thing each day. Meeting with a counselor can give you a partner in that process. Your counselor can also help you to recognize pieces that may be more difficult to see from your eyes as they have an outside view. And with self-acceptance, confidence comes naturally although you may need to practice behaviors that show assertiveness, confidence and boundaries that protect you. Wishing you the absolute best with this!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "Self-doubt and self-hatred are such common and unpleasant experiences and really worth understanding! Therapy with the right person can really help. When in your life do you feel the most confident? What gets in the way of you accepting and loving yourself (big question!). You can and will uncover that confident self!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "Self love and self acceptance is something that many of my clients struggle with, so I can assure you that you are not alone. We are bombarded by media and advertisements everyday that try to sell us things to make us somehow better, thus leading us to believe that we are not enough. Unfortunately, I believe that low self esteem is a social epidemic.On a more personal level, do you have any sense of what types of messages you have received in your life that have led to these self defeating thoughts? For example, did a parent or another loved one criticize you or put you down often? Were you bulled in school? Has a romantic partner emotionally abused you? Usually, there are factors such as these which insidiously lead to low self esteem and self loathing. Once you can identify some of the factors that lead to your self hatred, you can make a decision to not let these things from your past have such power over you any more. You learn to take control of how you feel about yourself, rather than letting others dictate that for you.I do think it is possible to heal from self hatred. It doesn't happen over night, and it takes time and effort. It is about re-training your brain to focus on your strengths rather than on your weaknesses. None of us are ever going to be perfect, and if we look for a flaw we are bound to find one (or two, or three...). Try keeping a self esteem journal. Every night, write down three things that you were proud of that day about yourself. Try reciting positive affirmations every day (such as \"I am lovable and beautiful just the way that I am today\"), to re-program your mind into thinking highly of yourself, rather than poorly."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "The most important word here is \"sometimes.\" I know it is quite painful, and I can imagine that at times this pain doesn't feel like it will subside. But it sounds like it is not all the time, which means we can easily say that this \"hate myself\" experience is one part of you. There are many other parts, if you give them some space to also \"speak up,\" that will offer you more positive regard, trust me on that. Generally speaking, we just don't know how to listen to those parts, because......it is the \"I hate myself\" part that is our inner critic. And often, our inner critic has developed a lot of strength throughout our life because of how we've depended on it for certain things. Sounds crazy, but in actuality, some of the most \"successful\" people, in work mainly, are those that have strong inner critics. They use these critics to motivate themselves, but with people, and in relationships, and in our relationship with ourselves, it completely backfires, because relationships are far more dynamic processes than \"doing well at work.\"So, try to acknowledge that the inner critic is one part of you, that you've learned to give a lot of space to. But, if you sit with even a remotely positive feeling you have, it can also be given the space to speak up and grow, just like the critic has over time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "The answer would require a more in-depth knowledge of you and your situation.A lot of times, these feelings are the result of the people in your life treating you a certain way. You internalize it and accept it as your reality.The first step is to evaluate the people close to you, especially your parents. Even if you are an adult, think back to your childhood. Children who grow up in an unstable home often grow up to be adults with insecurities and emotional problems. The obvious, such as being abused, can certainly lead to a person having little to no confidence and self esteem, but there are other situations that might surprise you to hear they can be damaging to a person.You may have never been physically or sexually abused, but what about emotionally? Were you yelled at, berated, put down? Were you told you'd never amount to anything? Were you compared to siblings and felt like you always fell short, couldn't live up to expectations? When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it.Maybe you weren't yelled at. Maybe it was the opposite. Studies show that children who grow up with a parent who is depressed show signs of emotional neglect. A chronically depressed mother, for example, may have seemed cold, detached, emotionless. She may have been less likely to show interest in a child's life, not give praise for accomplishments or show support by going to ballgames or performances.If one of your family members were chronically ill while you were growing up, chances are, a lot of the attention went to them, which could have led to your needs not being met.Any of these situations could cause a person to grow up feeling unimportant, unheard, unloved, or like they don't matter.Maybe nothing I've described here fits your situation. If you can't pinpoint what has caused you to feel this way on your own, a counselor can help.I am not saying \"blame it on your parents\" or telling you there's nothing you can do to change it! Quite the opposite! Understanding WHY you feel that way is a first step towards making the changes needed to feel better. Cognitive behavior therapy focuses on cognition - figure out the WHY. Then behavior - the HOW."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.", "answerText": "Congrats on having a happiness problem.Go slowly and tell your partner how you feel as you discover how being loved feels.On a deep level youre releasing yourself from interaction patterns which treated you poorly and unkindly.Time is needed of repeated occurrences of this newfound loving behavior toward you.Gradually you will trust more and more that your new living relationship life is your reality."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.", "answerText": "You're in a lot of good company and it's great that you're in a positive relationship. Congratulations!I often hear people talk about loving yourself and self esteem. We often seem to blame ourselves for not \"loving ourselves\" enough or put ourselves down for having low self esteem. It seems to me that since we are essentially socially beings and in fact, need each other for our survival, we really know who we are through our many interactions with others and with our environment. In other words, you can't just snap your fingers and voila! now I love myself, where there was an empty space or self-doubt before. We grow that warm coal inside ourselves through the friction of contact with others who value and validate us. Allow yourself to be patient with yourself as you experience this new relationship. You are learning a new model of who you are and how you fit into the world. What a marvelous gift for you!You may also have fears that the current joys may be temporary or unreliable. These fears of loss may get in your way, however understandable. If you are truly close to your companion, you can share with her that you are loving your relationship but sometimes fear it will go away and sometimes have trouble really trusting it. Such a conversation may bring you both closer.Hang in there. You're working on co-creating a new normal with a great woman."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.", "answerText": "Hi! Thank you for your question. It's tough to be in a healthy and loving relationship when we believe we are not worth it. Quite often being in such a relationship is very uncomfortable as it goes against everything we believe about ourselves.First, I want to say you are very brave to open up yourself to the relationship with this wonderful woman you met.Second, I would like to invite you to treat yourself with compassion as you are entering this unknown territory for yourself. Doing something new and totally unfamiliar can be scary, so it's vital that you are kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that what you are doing is scary and uncomfortable and that it will take some time to get used to it.Don't judge yourself and force yourself to feel a certain way. It's important that you are patient with yourself and tolerant of your discomfort. With time, space, kindness, and tolerance your discomfort and fear will start to dissolve. Invite your new partner to also relate to your feelings in the open and compassionate way.The worst thing that you or your partner can do is to rush your feelings, pressure you to feel in a different way or to say that there is something wrong with you cause you feel a certain way. Please be gentle with yourself and celebrate and acknowledge every small victory. Every time you do something little, like holding hands or receive a compliment and it no longer scares you as it did a week ago - celebrate that progress!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.", "answerText": "This can be really anxiety-producing when you have not felt it before. It may be helpful to work through some of this with a local therapist so you can get more specific ideas.Some other things that come to my mind are maybe talking about spending about 10 minutes or so discussing how you are feeling and seeing if your partner is willing to listen. Then you could ask questions about how she would react if you were doing something she did not like. This allows you to react to information she is actually giving you rather than your perceptions that sound like they are different than what she is trying to tell you. This gives you the power to receive the messages that she is sending to you.I would also wonder where you have learned that there wasn't much good out there for you and how you can stay present in the moment when you are with your girlfriend and see that she wants to be there with you. Perhaps you could look at what makes you feel emotionally safe and trusting with her and focus on that. You could even remind yourself \"okay, I'm here with [name of girlfriend] and this is okay when I'm with her.\"We all have different levels of defenses in situations in which different people. It's common for people to see these things as black and white (either totally open or very self-protective. In reality, it's much more like a rainbow and the different shades of color that are available in the rainbow spectrum of white light (it's not really Just red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet that we all know, but an infinite spectrum of shades of colors that fade from one into the next). You can change your level of defensiveness with your girlfriend depending upon the location you are in, the mood you are both in, the subject, etc. There are infinite numbers of choices and you can experiment.Another thing that could help is to communicate about communication. If one of you uses a phrase that triggers something from earlier in your life or is really uncomfortable, you could discuss that. If she says certain things that make you feel really comfortable, you could discuss that as well.Hopefully you can learn more about yourselves and each other at the same time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. Its mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole \"If you love them, let them go,\" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I cant break up with her. Im literally trapped.", "answerText": "Hi Fort Worth, I applaud your awareness and insight into the relationship. Most of us come into relationships carrying old baggage and although you can't change her, what you can do, is change yourself. We can usually begin to understand ourselves better in the context of our own upbringings. That is where we learn what a relationship looks like and it is often not the best teacher. I wonder about your jealously, insecurity, feeling trapped and a lack of trust. Has that ever showed up anywhere before? It has more to do with you and less to do with her. Your relationship with her is tapping into unresolved issues within yourself. That is really where you want to focus. Once you understand it and resolve it, you will no longer need to ask anyone else what to do, because you will know. You are young and just getting started in the relationship world and the healthier you are, the better you will know what healthy looks like. Know yourself, understand yourself and love yourself. The rest will take care of itself. Finding a Therapist can be a big help in this process. You are asking the question, so I suspect you are ready to look at the man in the mirror. I believe in you and am wishing you all the best.Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. Its mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole \"If you love them, let them go,\" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I cant break up with her. Im literally trapped.", "answerText": "It sounds like there are assumptions being made regarding how she feels about you and why she is with you. I would not suggest breaking up with her without first attempting to resolve your own issues. You may not only regret your decision, but might find that the exact same problem arises in future relationships. I would recommend seeing a therapist who can help you figure out what is at the root of all of this. By learning about your own insecurities and where they come from, you can expect to discover new ways of responding and relating to others, which will likely impact your relationship in a positive manner."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. Its mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole \"If you love them, let them go,\" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I cant break up with her. Im literally trapped.", "answerText": "Are you possibly mixing up an impulse to nurture and protect someone, such as by offering housing, and your own need to feel loved and appreciated as a romantic partner?Maybe your feeling of jealousy is really your awareness of a reasonable need to be loved by a partner.Even though you are quite detailed in your description of your partner, one piece which is missing, is whether you feel you are loved by her.Maybe too, what she considers your insecurity, is really her unwillgness to love you.It's always easier to put distance between two people by insulting them.I hope this gives you a few new ways to look at your situation.A few therapy sessions, either by yourself or together w your gf, would give you more chance to know more deeply what it is you are facing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "About 3 years ago or so I was skinny, but I was still ugly. I really do want to change that but I've tried 3 times. Now can I try but don't stop. At school I get bullied about my weight and my ugliness and I have been bullied my whole life that I believe them. How can I stop thinking about them and don't let it get in my head? My parents said I don't weight that much but, they do think I am fat but, they tell me I am not. I told my parents that I need to go to a therapist, but they think I am fine and I think they don't want to deal with it.", "answerText": "Hey! I am so impressed with your efforts to ask questions, to figure out how to change the messages that you hear (and say to yourself), and to get support! And it sounds like you want to make some changes in your life! Take a walk over to the counseling office at school, the school nurse or consider reaching out to your Pediatricians office. You dont have to have your parents permission to seek support for yourself! And maybe taking control of your support network will give you the strength to make even bigger decisions about your health! I am rooting for you! Be Wise!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel as though I'm suffering severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. I convince myself I'm not worthy of happiness, and Im always afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's as if I create little scenarios in my mind, and I start to believe them.", "answerText": "This is an understandable response to early childhood trauma and loss. Oftentimes when we have overwhelming or difficult experiences as a child including poor caregiving, the ways we managed and the feelings we had then show up in our lives as adults. Especially when we get close to someone, it mirrors our early experiences with caregivers in early life. So....our body, nervous system, and emotions respond in the same way. They feel as if what we experienced when we were little is happening now and they go into full force to manage and protect us. Sometimes the ways that happens can feel pretty bad and we can stuck in these loops of old beliefs about ourselves. Therapy is a great way to interrupt these patterns, process the early experiences, and be able to be in the present with your current relationships. It is very possible to shift this cycle and also have meaningful healing from the experiences that caused so much hurt and distress from childhood."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel as though I'm suffering severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. I convince myself I'm not worthy of happiness, and Im always afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's as if I create little scenarios in my mind, and I start to believe them.", "answerText": "I would like to offer my compassion that you are struggling with with these feelings. With the information provided and not knowing what your childhood was like or what you've experienced, I will say that from my experience working with people, these feelings are normal, and a normal part of the process of healing and just by posting your question tells me you're aware and desire to change this. Very good! I commend your strength. Your feelings are not uncommon and the feelings of abandonment, or second guessing or loss of happiness are also not uncommon. It's also not uncommon for these issues to arise and trickle into our adult life and relationships.Again, with little information about your situation, it is hard to give an exact answer. However, those who have experienced a dysfunctional childhood or trauma, often present with the issues and feelings you've described. The great news, is that with good therapy, you can regain your happiness, self worth and begin to feel empowered, you deserve to be happy. Be patient, gentle and kind to yourself. I would encourage you to begin with searching for a licensed therapist in your area, maybe go for a consultation session and simply see how your feel about it. Therapy can be incredibly helpful and life changing. I wish you the very best!Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel as though I'm suffering severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. I convince myself I'm not worthy of happiness, and Im always afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's as if I create little scenarios in my mind, and I start to believe them.", "answerText": "Im glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are experiencing is common for people who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma. When people experience trauma they develop a feeling of shame and start becoming self critical. Therapy can help regulate these thoughts and feelings of abandonment so they are not so overwhelming. Negative self talk can be extremely exhausting. You are already starting the healing process by becoming self aware and seeking help.Best wishesKatrina Whitehead MA LPCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past year, I have been feeling pressured to do well in school, and it put a ton of stress on me. I have been bullied for five years, and for some reason, it is now sinking in, and I can't stop it. For some other reason, I can't find a hobby I can see myself doing without thinking bad about myself.", "answerText": "You may have reached the natural end point of working very hard in school and putting up with bullies or not knowing how to step to the side of people who bully you.Both conditions you have been living under, pressure to perform well in school, and the tension of someone bullying you, are quite draining.Now is probably time to recuperate from your emotional ordeal.Hobbies may be a little too lighthearted and distracting from the more major task of grounding yourself in feeling secure and settled, especially after such arduous effort academically and socially.Let your natural self guide you.If right now you need to simply grow strong again, then allow this process to slowly develop.Eventually all on its own when the time is right, you will find a hobby.Now is your time to trust yourself to live the rhythms of your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past year, I have been feeling pressured to do well in school, and it put a ton of stress on me. I have been bullied for five years, and for some reason, it is now sinking in, and I can't stop it. For some other reason, I can't find a hobby I can see myself doing without thinking bad about myself.", "answerText": "Check out my latest blog on: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this provides a few nuggets of helpfulness to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenage girl, and I feel very bad about my weight. I don't know how to make it stop.", "answerText": "One way may be to take some sort of physical movement class in which you will be regarded by the teacher as one of the students, not the girl who weighs a certain amount.In a movement class such as pilates, yoga, aerobics, weights, dance, when the standard for clothing is somewhat fitted and shows more of our physical bodies than regular clothing, and to be considered as one of the students, not stigmatized for how much or how little you weigh, may help you be as accepting of yourself as the teacher is of you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenage girl, and I feel very bad about my weight. I don't know how to make it stop.", "answerText": "Have you spoken to your health care provider about your weight? You may not have a medical issue. A lot of times we try to have the \"perfect\" body when in reality we try to live up to social standards. Please set up a FREE consultation with me!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "I also want to note that we, as a society, are especially judgemental about how women dress and present themselves. I am sorry that this boy said something insensitive. There is nothing shameful about your body and it was not your intention to \"display everything.\" It also wasn't his place to judge you.As women we are expected to be sexy in some situations and demure in others. Men don't have the same range of societal expectations to navigate. You didn't deserve his rudeness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "First I think we have to acknowledge that you are doing something amazing. You are putting yourself out there and becoming a Water Safety Instructor. We often times will focus on the negative and forget about the positive. Next, you had an incident where someone pointed something out which may have caused embarrassment. Whether or not it was malicious on his part I think the important thing to focus on is what is called \"Common Humanity\". Common Humanity is one of the three elements of self-compassion. Common humanity essentially recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience. While you may have had this embarrassing moment at this time, that boy may have had an embarrassing moment another day. We all have embarrassing moments. When we recognize that we do not suffer in isolation then we are able to move past that suffering. Additionally another element to self-compassion is self-kindness. My question is why must you forgive yourself? Rather, be kind to yourself for learning an amazing new talent."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "As far as I can tell, you received unwanted attention, but you didn't do anything wrong. What did your instructor say? Anything? If the outfit was not appropriate then the instructor should tell you--If he/she didn't then assume the swimsuit was okay, but the gentleman in the class wanted your attention and took it upon himself to comment, in order to get that attention. If you don't want his attention then you have a couple of choices--wear a shirt over the swim top, find an inexpensive swim top to replace the one you have, or wear what you have as long as the instructor doesn't say anything, and if you get unwanted attention say in as confident, slightly loud, voice as you can muster. \"I don't appreciate your critique of what I'm wearing, we're here to take a class, let's just focus on that. Then, Turn on your heel and walk away."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "Everybody does something or a few things in their life which looking back, the person wishes they hadn't.The key to feeling better is to realize that as long as you learn something for the future from your mistake, then you will be doing all that any human being is capable of doing.Your mistake sounds genuine, not that you were deliberately trying to create a stir or harm yourself or anyone.Now that this student in your class pointed out your mistake, you will learn to notice the appearance of your swimwear.Put in context that feeling foolish for doing something embarrassing means that overall, you generally do most activity in your life, in non-foolish ways.The incident would only bother someone who generally is responsible. The mistake is a contrast with what is usual behavior for you.I hope you'll enjoy swimsuit shopping and find a beautiful bargain!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "Sometimes we make ourselves feel worse with our own thoughts about things we can't change. We know that it is possible to overcome embarrassment and self-blame, but why does it seem so difficult to overcome it sometimes? If you tune into your own thoughts, or your \"internal dialogue\", you'll notice that your thoughts are connected to your feelings. So people who are holding onto embarrassment and self-blame often have thoughts like, \"How could I do that?\", \"I looked so stupid!\" \"Now people saw things I did not want them to see!\" If we tune in more, we might notice we are thinking that this is terrible, horrible, and that we cannot deal with it. These are self-sabotaging thoughts that lead to shame, self-blame and embarrassment. If you look at the evidence, you can find more rational thoughts such as, \" We all make mistakes\", \"People can look all different ways at different time - this incident does not define me!\" and \"If someone has a bad image or thought about me, it is really OK! People have all kinds of thoughts about other people, and it does not have to be a major problem.\" When you practice your rational thoughts often and replace the negative ones, you will start to feel better, more confident and your embarrassment will decrease quickly."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "First of all, congratulations to you on becoming a Water Safety Instructor.As far as how to forgive yourself, this is probably one of the toughest things that we ask of ourselves, no matter the subject. On the other hand, it sounds like the location of the mistake means that after you get through the class, you won't see the same people much longer, so hopefully the embarrassment will be temporary.As far as the class, maybe you can give yourself compassion for the idea that we all make mistakes and it certainly sounds like it wasn't intentional. I think we have all had a swimsuit shift in unwanted direction.Trying to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen again would probably be helpful, but it sounds like you are already doing that. Something else you could do is think of something you can say to yourself when someone says something embarrassing about that occurrence, such as \"it was an accident and I have fixed it now.\"You may find some helpful tips herehttp://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-past-mistakes-6-steps-forgiving/ or herehttp://psychcentral.com/lib/how-do-you-forgive-yourself/ . These are not meant to be resources related to religion, but it is mentioned in a few places."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this?", "answerText": "I get how you feel; you wish your body looked different and you're embarrassed that you tried to make it look different and people may notice.You don't say how old you are. It's likely that, if you are young, your body will change as you mature, but in general, we're given the bodies we're given and I'm glad to see that there may be a desire in you to accept your body the way it is. You seem to want to stop disguising it. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and every woman knows how it feels to struggle with accepting what her's looks like. Many men go through this as well, although women are more often targeted with cultural messages about how we're supposed to look.Young people often believe that others are noticing and judging them. In fact, other people are far more preoccupied with who might be judging them than whatever's going on with you.I suggest you wear whatever bra you want to wear, and if someone is rude enough to comment on it, you can ignore them and talk about the weather or the latest pop song that you love and they'll get the hint. But my bet is they won't even notice. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this?", "answerText": "Sometimes we let our insecurities get the best of us, causing us to make some interesting choices.Honesty is always the best policy, but honesty comes with risk. Perhaps you may want to start with your family first, explaining to them what you have done and why. Perhaps they can help you to practice talking about your insecurities with your friends.Another way is to start, slowly, to dress more and more like yourself and your true body shape. Some of your \"friends\" may make fun of you, true, but then you must ask yourself...why do you want to be friends with people like that?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this?", "answerText": "Wear baggy clothes to disguise the problem and if you do this for a long enough time, then your friends may forget what size boobs you have.Can you tell your parents what you wrote here? If yes, then maybe they will be empathetic and this always helps.They may also agree to not make any comments about your boobs when you wear the bigger bra around your friends when they visit you at home.Also, its possible your friends already have questioned why you wore a bigger bra than your boobs. Maybe they saw what was going on the whole time during the school year and felt too awkward to tell you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have the perception that people are frequently disappointed in you, wish you were different or someone else, and ultimately reject you. One question I would have for you is what is your evidence that people feel this way? Is there anything in people's words or behaviors that gives you this impression? If your not sure, it may be useful for you to try to notice what people say and do in response to you, even though you perceive these attitudes within them. Additionally, working with a competent therapist may be a great way to get an answer to your question as well as developing ways to move forward with that answer and gain a sense of self-esteem and security in your relationships.One possibility that comes to mind, of which there may be more, is that as we grow up, we often develop relational templates, or sets of expectations about how people are and will relate to us, which influence our experiences and behavior in relationships. Sometimes the templates that we develop to stay connected growing up are not particularly adaptive for adult life and can hamper our self-esteem and capacity for comfortable intimacy as an adult. You ask a great question here, and one that can be very hard to see through, given the difficulty of feeling that people think of you in this way, and I hope that you will stay curious about this and consider working with a therapist who is trained to help you discover the answer."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.", "answerText": "As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted. How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those. Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I always need alcohol to feel better and use that as a excuse.", "answerText": "Check out my latest blog on: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I'm ugly, stupid, useless, and that I can't make anyone happy.", "answerText": "Check out my blog post on: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I hate everything I see in the mirror. I don't like being in pictures and always scribble out my face. It's stressing me out. I don't trust my parents enough to tell them and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "This is so very common in this crazy looks-obsessed world! I meet so many beautiful people who can't see their beauty. Is there something getting in the way for you? Was there a time in your life when people teased you or told you something hurtful, or did something to you that made you feel ugly? If so, this can be addressed first. Sometimes stories are told about us when we're young and the best thing we can do is see the author's evil or careless intent and not take that on. A therapist can help you with this part.Once you've addressed any past barriers to feeling confident, you can focus on a few simple things. First, your thoughts. If you keep telling yourself that you don't like what you see, then you will never feel okay about your looks. Experiment with telling yourself something different. Look in the mirror and I dare you to find something that's lovely about your face. Focus on that. Describe what you see? If you were your own best friend, what would you say about your face? Eliminating those negative scripts and building new positive ones will help you feel more accepting of how you look. You can't change your face, but you can change your attitude towards your face. Confidence is the things that will make you beautiful!Accepting how you look is important. Without going to plastic surgery (the popularity of which is a testimony to how nuts this whole thing has become), you were born with that nose, those eyes, those lips. Accepting yourself and knowing it won't change is a good idea, because wishing it were different won't make it so!Looking good is also about minimizing flaws and building on your assets. Are you in a rut about hairstyle or makeup? Ask a good friend to give you a make-over. Play with your features and wardrobe. There are plenty of average looking people who know how to make themselves shine because they are creative!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I hate everything I see in the mirror. I don't like being in pictures and always scribble out my face. It's stressing me out. I don't trust my parents enough to tell them and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Check out my latest blog: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such.", "answerText": "Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because I think a lot of people have this same issue (to different degrees) and we don't talk about it much. You have some social anxiety that is a bit beyond what the average person might feel. Most people have some amount of worry about what others might think of them, and this probably prevents us from making complete fools of ourselves so that's a good thing. But your \"alarm system\" is out of whack and you are spending too much time worrying about how you come across. As you age you understand this more, and it's true...that other people really aren't thinking about you much or monitoring you at all; they're too busy having the same thoughts you're having! Am I good enough? Do people like me, judge me...think I'm weird? We're all concerned about how we come across far more than how others come across. Like many people, you lack compassion for yourself, acceptance of yourself and confidence in yourself.My gut says that these things came from somewhere in your past. Our sensitivities usually come from (as well as genetics) a specific time in our life when we experienced or felt something that was overwhelming and we end up with an alarm system that overreacts at times. Without more details, it's difficult to go further here. I recommend you see a therapist who does cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help you understand the roots of your fears and learn how to manage them more successfully."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such.", "answerText": "I want to add that one way therapy can help with social anxiety is to give you a corrective experience. Each week, you sit across from someone who genuinely cares about you, who doesn't judge you, and who you can voice your concerns to. Over time, you show them more and more of yourself, and as they get to know you, they still care about you, they still don't judge you, and they still think you are amazing. Find a therapist you connect with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My roommate has had a drinking problem for a while. She goes out, gets trashed, and then expects everyone to take care of her. The next morning, she apologizes constantly until she feels validated. She also thinks everyone hates her all the time. If I don't seem anything other than happy, she asks me \"Do you hate me? You hate me. Tell me you love me,\" and I feel like I have to pity her because she has also been suicidal before.", "answerText": "It does sound like your roommate may have a drinking problem, and the short answer is that you can't do anything about it, only she can. We can't change what other people say, think, or do. We can only change our reactions. It does sound like your roommate may be having a hard time. You can suggest that she enter counseling or therapy. You can reassure her that you like her (if that's true), but you don't have to pity her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I always feel the need to impress people, whether it's my family, the people at school, or just random people. I know that no matter what I do or how I change, there will always be some people who hate me. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "My first reaction to this is that It sounds like you rely alot on the impressions and projections of the outside world, that you need validation from other people to compensate for a lack of something on the inside, build yourself up on the inside, work on yourself, use positive affirmations daily, it would be wise for you to research some self-construct theory and do some self-concept work.Hope this helps,C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I was born in the wrong body I feel like I should be a girl not a boy Ever since I was young, I have wanted to be a girl. I felt like what I was wasnt me. I want to know what I can do about it. My family is against transgender people and don't want anything to do with them. I want to be me. I feel as if I'll be happy then. I don't look in mirrors, and I don't like my reflection. Recently, I have been taking things to help even though they were not prescribed. I know I should have this handled by a professional.", "answerText": "Hi. Do you have any opportunity to work with a therapist? It sounds like it might be really great to explore these feelings. If you aren't able to, there are many awesome gender work books available that you could use to explore your thoughts and feelings. Also - google \"ask a gender therapist\" - so many amazing video blogs to answer many questions! Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in my mid 30s. I feel I have used only 5% of my potential. I am in film making, but everything is stuck. I've never had a serious relationship. I had worthless jobs. I do a lot of meditation to try to fix it.", "answerText": "Being stuck in life is difficult, especially when you are feeling it in many different areas of your life. So you if you are ready for a change... time to make one! Make a list of the resources in your area--community colleges, friends, free classes, volunteer opportunities etc. Make a list of your passions and absolute \"no way\" things in life. Make a 5 year plan... where do you want to be in 5 years... then start breaking it down ... what do I need to do this year to make it to next year. Break that down into months... check in with friends/families/co workers etc to see what they see in you both good and bad. Take a deep breath and choose 1 thing to work on to get better in life according to them. Seek out any free training/counseling on career changes and life changes. You already began this by asking this forum for help Awesome! Use the peace and calm you find in meditation to spring board you to make some changes in your behavior--try new things, change poor choices etc. Use the meditation to give you peace while you make the changes. Good Luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Guilt is one of those things that nearly everyone has experienced at one time or another, and it can feel like a huge weight around your neck. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that we can give you some words of wisdom that will make it all go away. However, I will give you some ideas and hopefully this will help.One of the things that we know about guilt is that it doesn't usually do much to help us in the long-run. People may make changes for a short-term period of time because they feel guilty about something they did, but usually they will go back to their old behaviors if they don't have something else to help them change permanently, such as a new skill. So, guilt doesn't necessarily help us. In fact, as I write this someone out there is eating an entire key lime pie because they feel guilty about falling off their diet. Someone may be drinking alcohol because they feel guilty about drinking alcohol. For whatever reason, this is just a common thing that we do. Now accountability is different than guilt. Accountability can actually be constructive. When you hold yourself accountable you can admit that you have done something wrong. That it hurt others and you deeply regret it. That you are prepared to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.Thatyouhave done what you can to make amends, if necessary. That you are sorry. And then you move on. Why is moving on necessary? Well, for one thing, it doesn'tusuallyhelp the people who you hurt. In fact, someone's guilty behavior may serve to remind the people who were hurt, over and over again, about what happened. Guilt is usually 100% about us, and not about those we hurt. Also, guilt can lead us to behave in ways that may even hurt people more. Having said all of that, guilt is a normal human emotion. Sometimes we experience it for a while and it goes away. Sometimes we need help to work through it. There are many self-help books about forgiving yourself. You can try Amazon to find some, or consider getting help from a counselor. Be well,Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "A lot of times it is not about forgiveness but learning from experiences. As an example, as a child we continously fall in an effort to learn how to walk. Then when we begin walking we know we have to put one foot in front of the other in order to move forward. Experiences allow us to grow, find a balance and what to do and what not to do in order to move forward. On the positive side you now know the consequences as for your actions not to take the same course. Forgiveness comes with time as you \"learn how to walk again.\""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "Realize that you are human, not perfect and will make the wrong decisions at times. That is OK, we all have. However, the best way is to say OK, I did it, learned from it, will not do that again. EVER!!! You can get pass it; grow from it. Unfortunately, we forgive others faster than we do ourselves because we hold ourselves to higher standards or expected better behavior from ourselves. It can be embarrassing, hurtful, almost unforgiving at times. But how do you forgive yourself? Take a Deep Breathe..... and then acknowledge that you did something wrong, acknowledge it, and say to self, \"I forgive me\". Just like you would say to someone else. This starts the process of forgiving. Also ask yourself these questions: What lesson did I learn? What would I have done differently? What will be a trigger that will make me do that again, if I happened to be weak or tempted? Avoid or prepare for those triggers....Forgiving yourself will set you free from the prison you have put yourself in. You would start back living."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "What a beautiful discussion of guilt and shame Lynda offers! Those two demons start out as pesky and little when we are young, then grow with us to become quite formidable. I'd like to throw in a technique I learned from Randy Rausch (author ofThe Last Lecture)called The 3-Step Apology. I teach this important bit of wisdom to my clients when they need to apologize to someone else but more importantly when they need to forgive themselves.Yes, when we have trouble forgiving ourselves we sometimes forget that there is part of us that just doesn't know how to apologize effectively. Here goes:Step One: Say what you did and the damage it caused.Step Two: Say you're sorry and accept full responsibility (no excuses, no explanation, no defensiveness: It was all my fault.)Step Three: Ask what you can do to repair the damage.Step Three is the one many of us didnt learn growing up. And when we add it to an apology, we are usually surprised that the penalty is as light as it is. Of course, sometimes the apology is not accepted and no way to atone is offered. So be it, we cant control this. But if we are apologizing to ourselves, we can. There is always a way to make amends if we put our heart into it. Give this a try the next time youre reluctant to let yourself off the hook. You might surprise yourself when how benevolent you can be when invited."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started.You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame?Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. Whenwas the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in \"I'm bad\", or\"I'm worthless\"? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, sexual abuse or some family loss or trauma.If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them?That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway).Once you take the layers of old \"I'm bad\" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day...I'm human and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect.I can have compassion for my mistakes.I can feel proud that I'm facing my mistake and making things right.I deserve forgiveness and compassion, and I have that for other people too.There's no purpose to holding on to shame.I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.Everyone makes mistakes.Other people don't want me to carry this shame around.I don't need shame to remind me not to do it again. I've figured that out.Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry \"it\" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock. You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I constantly feel like everyone is up against me and trying their best to shut me down. It's ruining my mood and even my whole self. I have trouble sleeping, and I keep having sleep paralysis while dreaming of others mocking and judging me.", "answerText": "The problem you describe sounds very wearing on your spirit.Are there particular reasons for why you feel everyone hates you?Have you been in a clash of ideas or opinions and feel yourself in the minority viewpoint?Or does your sense of being shut out start within your own mind, as though you anticipate that others will not like what you say?If actual conversations are leading you to feel left out, then evaluate whether to bring up certain points to the other person.Or, you may also decide that the relationships in which you feel shut out, are no longer worthwhile ones for you.If the problem is hesitating to interact because you imagine others will reject you, then maybe you can coach yourself into trying a small step toward introducing yourself and your thoughts to others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.", "answerText": "I can relate! When things are going badly, I feel like my life has always been and will always be that way. (But I also do this when things are going well. That is, I forget how good things can turn bad. Personally, to avoid this emotional roller-coaster, I try and heed the famous advice by author and feminist Rita Mae Brown: \"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.\"So maybe this weakness of your for forgetting is really a strength! It sounds a lot like living in the moment to me. And while its hard to manage my past and my future, the moment seems like a small enough piece of temporal real estate to sort out. So thats the what of my answer. The how goes like this: Choose one from column A, two from column B, and three from column C in the following chart. Then try doing them for as long as you can. Then see what happens.A B CGratitude Forgiveness AppreciationExpectations Meditation ExerciseBitterness Distraction Volunteering Resentment Substances WorryRegret Possessions PessimismShame Desire SuperstitionRage Isolation WishingSelf-loathing Criticism WithholdingIf you feel as though what you think and believe are out of your control, or that your values were imposed on you, or that nothing good will ever happen again, then we will have to respectfully disagree. Youve ask a very deep and insightful question, proving that your hope has gotten you this far. Hang onto that hope because Im an example of things working out despite my previous way of looking at my life.Instead of convincing yourself that youre okay when youre not, how about calling it accepting yourself as okay just the way you are, without judging your okayness. You probably have high standards (perfectionism?) and thats a thing to talk with a counselor about. The opposite of perfect is not horrible. Its called good enough.Blocking out the bad things and forgetting is as natural as eating and sleeping. All the other mammals do it (except when it comes to life-threatening bad things) so why shouldnt we? This might be called optimism. Feeling alone and uncared for is a worse feeling than being despised. This is good! This means (I suppose) that you dont despise yourself as much as you just dont care for you (because we can often project our own self-beliefs onto others). This is an abstract concept that will take some time to get used to. But I have a suspicion that, with just a little more self-care, and a little more caring for others, you might be better off very soon."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.", "answerText": "I'm glad you're aware of how you honestly feel. Knowing one's personal truth is always the first step in finding what is necessary to be and develop.Reflect a little more on the type of care you'd like in your life.\"Care\" means anything from checking in on someone to deep, intimate connection between two people.Knowing your own definition of \"care\" is the first step to know what is necessary for you to recognize what you'd like attracting.It is much easier to attract what we'd like if we are clear on what this is."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.", "answerText": "As social creatures, we humans all long for deep human connection. To know that we belong and are part of something larger. It is so important to us that when we feel alone - it can feel almost unbearable. You are not alone in feeling alone. While it can take time to build deep relationships there are moments in each day where we have the opportunity to interact with other people who may also feel lonely and scared and want to be seen and acknowledged. I wonder what it might be like for you if you took on an experiment of trying to really see the people around you and make little attempts to acknowledge and connect with them - fellow humans on this journey of life. A \"good morning\" at the bus stop or really looking at the person who you buy your groceries from or thanking or complimenting someone for something that you notice and appreciate. While this is not a substitute for close relationships these moments of real connection with the people who we share our communities with can go a long way to realizing that we are not as alone as we may have thought."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel so irritated and frustrated because of it. I get so angry to the point that I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel pathetic, stupid, and worthless. I just can't take this anymore.", "answerText": "Yeah I get the same problem... Look I'm not a professional but I've heard a few things. a powernap can help. just a half hour of sleep can clear your mind and let you refocus. Also, brain activity increases with physical exertion. Just walk around for a minute and get your brain working and that'll help you reach the task at hand. Taking breaks it totally okay. Try to have something to do in between that you enjoy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with the mother of my child for years.", "answerText": "I would think that you hold little self worth and feel that you are not worthy of better. I would suggest that you get to know yourself. What do you NEED in a relationship? What is holding you to this relationship other than your child? What have gone on in the relationship that makes you think or feel you deserve such disrespect? Just a few questions to ask yourself.."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness.", "answerText": "Hi Cerritos,This is an interesting twist because it's more common for the person in your position to want to move forward, and for the person who was wronged to struggle with forgiveness. You are lucky to have a loving, compassionate partner, and your boyfriend is lucky to have a partner who takes full responsibility for their actions.My hunch is that you learned some things about yourself when you were younger that are playing a role here. Your sense of worthlessness seems out of proportion to the mistakes you made. You don't have to be perfect in order to deserve the love of a good man. You only have to have the maturity to recognise when you've hurt someone and work hard to make it better. Who in your life overreacted to small mistakes you made? Were you shamed as a child? Did you learn that you deserved to be punished? Did something bad happen that you thought was your fault? Is there a mistake you made long ago that you need forgiveness for? There is a younger person inside you waiting to be forgiven for something they weren't entirely responsible for. The bar is too high for you. If I was your therapist, I would work with you to find the source of the shame, and address that wound.If you want to move forward and be with your boyfriend, your job will be to forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean \"it was okay\"; forgiving simply means that it happened, that you can't erase it, and that you don't want to carry it around or punish yourself for it anymore.You have done many things here that you can feel proud of! You've 'come clean', you've been honest, you've taken responsibility for your actions, you've not tried to minimize what you did, and you've chosen to be more loyal and aware of how you impact your boyfriend. These are all things you can use to build your sense of worth. You are acting very honourably. It's time to put your past mistakes away on the shelf knowing that you've learned from them and are a better person now. It's not our mistakes...not our worst moments that define us...it's how we handle them afterwards.I wish you growth and happiness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness.", "answerText": "So wonderful to have a boyfriend who is able to understand and forgive you. What do you think that he sees in you that allows him to do that? Does he see someone who like other humans makes mistakes? Does he see someone who despite hurtful choices is a good person committed to being a loving respectful partner? The compassion and understanding that we can often extend to others can be difficult to extend to ourselves.We often hold very unrealistic and perfectionist expectations for ourselves which may even lead to our poor choices in the first place - as a ways of letting off steam or rebelling against our high standards. Regardless of the reasons, we all make mistakes and imperfection does not make someone less loveable - it just makes them human. If your boyfriend is able to start clean with you, there must be a reason.What you do from here on out will define the kind of partner you are to him. Can you treat him with the kind of respect that you would want? Can you help him to feel loved and safe in the relationship? Can you allow yourself to be imperfect and afraid and still worthy of love and acceptance. When you are feeling ashamed of your behaviours - try to imagine extending that scared part of you the same love and acceptance that you might extend to other people who have made mistakes. It is not easy to forgive ourselves but it is important in order to allow ourselves to be loved and to truly love others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I'm not cutting, I'm drinking. When I try healthy outlets such as exercise, I end up running myself down into an asthma attack. From weapons, to words, I can't help but self harm. What am I supposed to do, how do I stop this cycle? I don't know how else to cope or motivate myself without pain.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling helpless and out of control, you are concerned about your behavior, and at the same time you feel compelled to continue it. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get insight into what is motivating these behaviors, develop strategies for taking care of yourself, and get a stronger sense of who you are motivated to be when you are your authentic self."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late 20s, and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I have no friends. I hate Facebook because everyone else has kids and a great husband and great paying jobs. I work in retail, and I can't find a job. I have an Associate degree. No one is not giving me a chance, and I'm getting upset and frustrated. I feel worthless and feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a failure, and I still live with my Dad. It's very embarrassing!", "answerText": "In case knowing this helps you, there are many more people in similar circumstance as you than you may realize.Similar to you, they are not on FB for the reasons you list. Plus, no one wants to go on FB and tell the world they don't have a fantastic life. Everyone on FB is happy, even when they're miserable they're happy telling everyone about it.First, yes it is painful to see all around you what appears as joyful living. Please keep in mind that the life you imagine these people have, is not necessarily the true life they are having. I've been a therapist for a long time and have seen repeatedly how people who are married with kids by age 30, start having problems by their mid-thirties.Second, respect your unique identity. For whatever reason, you have more sensitivity, possibly more depth, more complex standards and expectations, of yourself and others.As hard as it may sound or actually be, take time to hear your intuition and what it tells you, you need for your own growth and development.Feeling embarrassed can also be turned into a positive. Consider it as motivation for the long term to develop new ways of reaching your goals.I hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's been almost a year since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me after he cheated on me many times. I had found out about a month before, but I hadn't told him I knew because I didn't want us to break up. I used to have very low self-esteem, and I think it might have to do with my dad being an alcoholic. My father cheated on my mother when I was little. I wonder if this pain has to do with that. My ex-boyfriend and I were only dating for five months, but I still can't get over this betrayal. I'm not sure what to feel to get over it: forgiveness? Hate? He helped me financially after our break up by lending me $3000, so I'm grateful for that. I still hate him for what he did and still want him to like me although we're not even talking anymore. We follow each other on Instagram and that's it. I feel like I still need his validation. This is haunting me day and night. I want to focus on my new relationship and goals, but I keep obsessing over this and keep checking my ex-boyfriend's Instagram and Facebook. I feel so bad and keep having nightmares.", "answerText": "The dilemmas you present are giving you a great chance to understand your true reasons for being in a relationship.Continue developing some points you've written here.That you grew up sensing and/or witnessing your mom's emotional pain from your dad cheating on her, very likely set a standard in your inner self, to expect similar circumstances in your relationship life.This is a natural dynamic which happens for all of us. What we observe in our growing up households is what we understand as \"normal\", no matter how bad it actually is.After all, children don't have the ability to separate that what their own parents do, is wrong compared with the rest of our culture.It is natural to long for a relationship.What you have the chance to do now, is distinguish the reasons for your longing.Is it to attach to someone who has hurt you, hasn't shown you any understanding of having hurt you, and whose validation, even if he says validating words, has little meaning because people who validate are not the ones who harm us?If you're able to teach yourself that those who love us do not harm us, and to develop new expectations for yourself of feeling good from how your partner treats you, then you will be showing yourself a road that will benefit you for your entire lifetime."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s. Ive been married once, and he cheated on me. Ever since then, I've felt ugly no matter what. I'm engaged, and I still feel ugly. I don't like to take pictures of myself.", "answerText": "Sounds as though you're taking the blame for the bad actions of your former husband.He did an ugly action, and instead of feeling only your own emotions in response to being cheated on, you are holding his ugly behavior within you and feeling it.Does this sound like a possible explanation of why your feeling of ugliness started after the cheating incident?You may start feeling better by looking within your own heart for the full effects of having been hurt. It is possible there is more suffering within you than you've realized until now.As you address all the emotional pain you've lived through, the feeling of ugliness may drop out all of its own. Because you'd be focused on you, not on any of the ugliness introduced into your life by your cheating ex husband."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm scared that I am with this man so I won't be alone. He should be with somebody who deserves him if this is the case, and I dont want to hurt him.", "answerText": "While not wanting to be alone may not be the best reason to be in a relationship, it is probably more common and normal a reason than you think. Since you seem to care about your friend (\"don't want to hurt him\"), I imagine there are many other reasons that you are together. I suggest that you talk about this open-heartedly with each other. The idea of being afraid of being alone sounds like an honest starting place. Don't try to \"figure out\" whether you should be with him. Just talk. The communication is likely to shine light on deepening connection for BOTH OF YOU.In the meantime, your idea that you don't deserve him is rooted in a \"core lie\" that you are telling yourself. You can read about \"core lies\" and much more in my book, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human. Check out www.LivingYes.org.Be easy on yourself. You are deserving!~Mark"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I like getting attention from men. I don't have sex. I lead them on to thinking I might want to. I like to tease, I like for men to chase me, and I like to feel wanted.", "answerText": "Hi Michigan, Good for you for recognising a destructive pattern. This behaviour, although it might get you the attention you want initially, will ultimately drive men away because it's not respectful of them. My gut says that you learned early on in life that your value is in your sexuality alone. That's a powerful thought. You are certainly acting as if this is true. If you believed in your value as a person, you would be less afraid of deeper relationships and intimacy in general.If I were your therapist, I'd have many questions for you and I would need to understand a lot of things about you and your past to help you sort out where this idea about yourself came from. I'd suggest reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you get to the root of this behaviour. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Everyone around me is much smarter and flaunts it. Everyone around me is skinny, and here I am trying to throw up so I'm not fat. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't seem to do anything right! No one else at school seems to feel the way I do! Is this normal teenage girls feelings? I don't think these feelings are normal.", "answerText": "There are some struggles that are less \"obvious\" than others, an eating disorder being one of them. From just your personal experience alone you might realize how easy it may seem to keep such a secret from those around you. In the same way, there are many people who struggle secretly with this problem and not many people know or even notice. So you are definitely not alone. Low self-esteem or lack of confidence in some areas are issues that EVERY teen, in fact EVERY person, has experienced at some point. These feelings are \"normal.\" It sounds, though, as if these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have begun to consume your every day thoughts and behaviors bringing you to where you are today - comparing yourself to others, purging, and feeling extreme guilt. Sometimes it's best if we seek outside help, instead of trying to tackle problems on our own. Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor, nutritionist, and a therapist who can help change your perspective from the inside out! Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.", "answerText": "Hello Utah, thank you for writing with your question. Sexual assault or sexual abuse is a very traumatic event that affects victims in many ways. Your difficulty in feeling sexually engaged and your description of the shame and self-loathing you feel are normal responses to the rapes you experienced. A good therapist can help you to process your traumas and understand that you did nothing wrong to cause the rapes; the shame is not yours. It takes a very patient and loving partner, but you can make progress towards a healthier sexual relationship with your wife. These are issues that I cannot address more fully here other than to recommend that you seek the assistance of a qualified professional."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.", "answerText": "I am very sorry to hear about your rapes. Traumatic events, such as rape, can have some lasting effects. Issues with sex drive are one of these effects. Therapy can help to decrease the impact that traumatic events have upon our lives as we process through some of our experiences. EMDR can be a particularly effective modality of treatment to address this issues. I would also encourage you to have an honest conversation with your wife about this concern. Sometimes it is helpful to have that conversation with a therapist so that the therapist can help educate your wife in regards to effects of trauma. This may help her understand that your feelings are more about the trauma and less about her as a person. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for your being taken advantage of and for all the negative feelings created by being exploited.If you have not already explained to your wife about what caused your great distress, then please consider doing this. A conversation that happens in a safe relationship, will give her a chance of being supportive to you. And, the discussion may relieve some of the bad feelings toward yourself which you currently feel.In its most positive light, you and your wife can build a new sex life based on the loving foundation you develop from talking with one another in this deeper way.It will certainly distinguish your love based sex life with your wife, from sex as a violation of your body by other people.There are also behavior therapists who would set a program of building tolerance for sex as part of your usual life.These programs usually work for a short while only, unless the person also clears out the deeper levels of fear and hurt from being victimized.Good luck in progressing to feeling that your sex drive is back!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I found messages between my boyfriend and this girl on social media. He was asking her for naked pictures and then hung out with her once, but nothing happened. I didnt find out about the messages until last month and that was six months after it happened. I cant trust him anymore and I'm just wondering if I ever will. He admitted that he wanted to have sex with her but he didn't. He was only talking with her because he thought we were going to have a break up. My heart is completely broken. I feel like I'm in competition with every girl on the planet for my boyfriends affection. I'm afraid that he doesn't like me anymore, but without me he's homeless and without a car. I love him so much. It's been tearing me apart. I don't feel pretty anymore though. I don't feel good enough for anyone or anything. I thought I knew him as well as I knew myself. Then all of a sudden my world was flipped upside down. I'm still trying to figure out which way is up.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for so much stress in your relationship life.In what ways does your boyfriend express his commitment and positive feelings about you, to you?From what you write, you feel more aggravation, stress, loneliness and insecurity, than satisfaction by being in this relationship.Does he care that you don't trust him?Very often people stay in relationships from fear of knowing who they really are. The feeling is of needing a partner in a way that is similar to how a fearful child needs staying nearby a parent.My suggestion is to think over how much your sense of need for a partner, may be preventing you from actually seeing the amount of love and investment in your relationship, your boyfriend actually has.These realizations are sometimes painful and frightening to understand, especially if you grew up in a family that largely ignored or didn't adequately nurture you as a child.A therapist for your Self may be a good investment of time and cost in giving yourself a safe and trustworthy space to think deeply about your best interest."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm going through a majorly bad divorce and my wife is making things so impossible for me. I need help.", "answerText": "Crying due to a dissolution of a marriage, is normal. Hating yourself may be a sign of extreme sadness, feelings of loss and uncertainty.Do you know why you hate yourself?Discovering your reason is the first step in knowing the obstacles and then the additional steps possible, to move from \"hate\" to \"self-love\".Divorce signals a loss of familiar life structure and daily routines. As with any meaningful loss, crying is part of mourning what is soon to be gone.If you have confidence in your attorney's handling of the legal areas related to the divorce, and the \"impossible\" you reference is on facing and coming to terms with statements and behaviors from your wife that you never noticed before, then your best choice is to find a therapist whom you feel at ease in talking with, to sort through the emotional upheaval within yourself and your everyday life and world.Divorce is a wonderful time for learning about ones own emotional needs and expectations in relationships since these are the areas currently coming apart.The good news behind losing something that seems valuable, is that new space becomes open to attract what is more suitable for who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "About 5 months ago my ex left without fully explaining why. For me it seemed out of the blue. I don't miss her as much as I used to but I just don't trust people anymore, not even my friends who I have known since my childhood not even my family. I'm so terrified of being judged or dismissed. Instead of acting like someone else or putting on a mask of a personality, I've just shut down. I haven't felt that sense of comfort and happiness with myself since everything fell apart. I'm scared to because I don't want it to be taken away from me again. I feel like ever lesson I learn only last a day. I just don't know what to do. I'm working at a place I know I should enjoy. I'm keeping up with my creative passions: working out, eating healthy, etc. I'm doing everything the books say I should do, but I don't feel any different. I just don't know what to do.", "answerText": "since you realize your sense of trust was broken, withdrawing from close relationships, makes sense.This may be your Self giving you natural time to recuperate from emotional pain.Also it is your chance to think over how to handle yourself differently in future relationships.Maybe this process requires more time than you'd like.Having patience is very difficult when a person feels hurt.A therapist of your own may be a good idea so you have someone for guidance and to chart your progress w you.This may feel less lonely and help you tolerate the waiting period till you're better"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "About 5 months ago my ex left without fully explaining why. For me it seemed out of the blue. I don't miss her as much as I used to but I just don't trust people anymore, not even my friends who I have known since my childhood not even my family. I'm so terrified of being judged or dismissed. Instead of acting like someone else or putting on a mask of a personality, I've just shut down. I haven't felt that sense of comfort and happiness with myself since everything fell apart. I'm scared to because I don't want it to be taken away from me again. I feel like ever lesson I learn only last a day. I just don't know what to do. I'm working at a place I know I should enjoy. I'm keeping up with my creative passions: working out, eating healthy, etc. I'm doing everything the books say I should do, but I don't feel any different. I just don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Sounds like you need closure. I'm sure your doing your best to overcome this feeling but seem to be struggling with your own happiness. Trust God no one else. Give this some time and don't close yourself off to the world or the people who love you. Be open hearted and minded. And know that no matter what reason your ex walked out of your life, she missed out on how great of a person you truly are and may have had personal issues of her own."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I have to be promiscuous in order to keep people around? It started after I got raped by my ex-boyfriend.", "answerText": "I recommend that you seek professional services to address the trauma you experienced. EMDR has been proven to be very effective in treating trauma. In addition, a support group might be helpful to find a more stable support network. Either a support group for victims of rape or sex/love addiction www.sa.org sound appropriate. Whichever group resonates the most with you will be the most helpful.If you have any additional questions or concerns, please feel free to ask."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep hearing I am attractive from people around me, and I think I believe it. But I have low confidence regarding approaching girls I like.", "answerText": "I recommend that you focus on the negative thoughts or irrational beliefs that are going through your mind at the time in which you are trying to approach a girl. When you are aware of the negative thoughts or irrational beliefs, you can then work on changing them. An easy way to recognize an irrational belief is a thought that contains the words \"must or never.\" Once you recognize the thought or belief, I would like you to picture a big red stop sign. This is called thought stopping. This is a technique to use to stop unwanted or unhealthy thoughts. Then, I would like you to think of a more positive thought to replace it with such as: Negative thought: \"That girl will never go out with me\" STOP Positive thought: \"I won't know if she will go out with me unless I ask\". What this does is increase your self confidence by replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones that will ultimately boost your self esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A few nights ago I talked to this girl I know about my self esteem issues for the first time. We talked for hours and she told me time and again that I was a great guy. She told me I was attractive, and have a great personality, etc. I really started to feel better about myself by the time I woke up the next morning. Now, though, I can't stop thinking about her, but I leave to go back to college in a few days and I go to school 4 hours away from her. So now I feel constantly depressed because even if I told her how I felt it wouldn't matter. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Hey! It takes a lot of courage to share your feelings with someone! And it sounds like you have been lucky to meet someone who makes you feel safe enough to explore some of your more painful feelings. A big part of the process, however, of strengthening your self-concept is learning how to tell yourself those positive messages that you heard from your friend! Leaving for college may also be contributing to your feelings of unsteadiness. Try this - Make a list of all of the positive things that you know are true about yourself. Ask your friends and family to contribute to the list. Then carry it with you in your wallet - and when you need a self-esteem boost, take a look at it! You are in a season of life that presents lots of challenges and opportunities. Reach out to your long-distance friend when you need support - and take a walk over to the campus counseling center and check out what they might have to offer. Be Wise!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Hi!Im sorry youre having this dilemma.I wish I knew a little more about the situation to give a better answer. Have you discussed what is causing you to consider breaking up with your partner? Based on the information given,I suggest starting off making a pros and cons list. Pros for staying in the relationship and cons for staying. See which side has more. Follow your gut. Hope this helps as a start."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship. My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship. Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it. The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret. Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions. This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "That's a loaded question. Typically, if we are contemplating if we should or not, it is for a reason. To really come to a place of decision, you need to know where you are right now, what is not working, what the potential resolution would be and if it is realistic. If you can answer those questions, you may gain some insight. If it is realistic and your boyfriend is on the same page, seek help putting a plan in motion for resolution. And I mention him being on the same page because if he is not, then it will never come to fruiting. Without much other information, this is this is a solid approach."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "The decision to end a relationship is difficult. There are a few questions you might want to ask yourself like, \"Why am I asking myself if i should end it?\", \"What else am I looking for in a relationship that this one doesn't give me?\", \"is my boyfriend willing to discuss my doubts and willing to work at making this relationship better?\", \"Is he abusive in any way?\" These are just a few questionsto think through in order to make this decision. Also talk to a trusted friend and see they're point of view of your relationship. Sometimes talking it over can help you think out loud and you're friend can point out details you can't thought about. Talking to a therapist is also a good option as a therapist can hello you figure out what you are looking for and address any issues that need to be addressed."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "The decision to end a relationship is often very difficult. It is important that you are aware of your personal \"deal breakers\". Some common deal breakers are abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional) or substance abuse; however, anything that is detrimental to your well being can be considered a deal breaker. I know of a young woman who broke up with her boyfriend because he decided to adopt a pet cat and she is highly allergic. For her, having a cat was a deal breaker !Healthy relationships enhance personal growth, and we enhance our spiritual and emotional wellbeing by collaborating with our partner to work through problems and overcome challenges. My guess is that you would not be questioning whether or not to end your relationship if things were going smoothly. Are you both equally invested in finding a resolution to whatever is troubling you?An excellent book on relationship ambivalence is \"Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay\" by Mira Kirshenbaum. By the last chapter you will have the answers that you seek."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Deciding to end a relationship is a big question that deserves your full care and attention. One of the first questions you may ask of yourself and consider for your boyfriend is whether you are both willing to work on the relationship. A relationship, no matter how great or hard, can't work unless both people are invested in working on it. This means that both people are willing to take responsibility and work on their on stuff when things are hard rather than blaming the other. If one of you is not willing or able to work at this then the relationship can't really grow or get better. Perhaps spend some time really asking yourself if you this is the person you want to work on things with. All relationships are hard and require care and attention and also ask us to really take responsibility for what we contribute. This should be done in a relationship where you want to do this work for yourself and the other. Also, if you are fully in and ready to do the work but your partner isn't. If they say things like \"this is just how I am\" or \"we have problems because of your issues\" then you also may want to really slow down and consider if this will be workable. You and your boyfriend need to be invested and committed to the relationship even when things are hard."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Deciding to end a relationship is never easy, especially if there is not any strong reason or incident standing out to help define the unhappiness in the relationship, such as infidelity or abuse. All relationships go through low periods where one or both people may feel unhappy in the relationship, this is normal. What I tell my clients when they are facing this decision is to spend some time and imagine your life without the person in it. What do you feel when you imagine your life without your boyfriend? Do you see yourself as being happier, having more freedom? When you think of life without him do you feel a weight lift off your shoulders? Is it easier to breathe? Don't rush into any decision about leaving the relationship. Take as much time as you need to fully understand what it is you are feeling right now. Ask yourself if some of the unhappiness in the relationship can change, if it is likely to change. Only when you are confident in your decision to leave should you then have the discussion about leaving the relationship. I hope this answer gives you some ways of thinking through how to make that very tough decision."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Hi there, that's a big question and really something no one can answer except you. Here are some things to consider to help you make your decision.What is leading you to ask the question? Has something happened recently or repeatedly that is making you question your relationship? If so, what is it. Can you rank it on a scale from 1-10, 1 being not a big deal and 10 being a deal breaker. What are your deal breakers and has he violated any of them? What are your reasons for being with him? How would you feel without him? How does he make you feel on a daily basis? Is there any abuse in the relationship (physical, emotional, psychological)? - if the answer to this question is yes - please seek immediate help. In addition to thinking about your relationship on your own, have you talked with your boyfriend about how you're feeling? If it is safe to do so, honest, open communication might help you get some more clarity. You don't have to say \"I'm thinking about breaking up with you,\" but you can say something along the lines of, \"I'm having some doubts about our relationship. Can we talk about us?\" If you want to stay with him, maybe you can work on your relationship together? Going to couples counseling could also be an option for you.If you decide that the relationship is not working, think about how you would like to be broken up with and if possible, try to come from a place of kindness and understanding.As always, I'm happy to provide more guidance if you'd like. Good luck with you decision."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "That you are questioning if you should end your relationship with your boyfriend tells me that you are unhappy with him. Spend sometime by yourself exploring the reasons for that unhappiness. Are these things likely to change or not?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Without knowing the details, it would be very difficult to say! But, that's also the point of my response. Because even with the details, it's very hard to say, as no one is experiencing the relationship in your shoes, except for you. It might be helpful to process this in therapy, or with your boyfriend directly and voice your concerns about the relationship. In any successful relationship, the research has shown that openness in communication is vital.That all being said, I would also add, with a lot of curiosity...if you have to ask the question, does that say something about what you feel is the quality of the relationship?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "If you're asking the question, then probably you are pretty close to ending your relationship.Make a list of what you don't like and then decide whether you'd like to tell these topics to your boyfriend as a discussion about your relationship.He may have similar feelings and together the two of you may figure out new ways to be loving with each other.If you've presented your needs and no change results, then ask yourself if you can be happy with him, given what you now realize about him and your feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?", "answerText": "There is always hope. So don't give up on hope.However, you knew I would say that, there is a lot work ahead of you.You need to see someone to talk things out.Get some space between you and your husband. Don't chase and please don't stalk him.Do some deep searching as to why he left and what part you had to cause the split.You can't change him but you are in control of your own change.With the help of a professional counselor you can get help and direction where you need to change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?", "answerText": "I believe there's always hope. I also believe that you are worthy of respect and love. I'm curious if you felt loved, cherished, and respected by your husband during your time together.Feeling willing to go to any extreme to save the marriage is common, but having to do things that go against your values sets you up to develop a lot of resentment.It sounds like you did not want to be separated from your husband, but now that it's happened, you can make the choice to focus on yourself, rediscovering, or discovering for the first time, what you really want out of life. Taking some time to grieve the loss of your marriage and practice self-care can help in the immediate aftermath.Are there dreams that you put on a shelf during your marriage that you could reignite? By considering the dreams and desires you had at the beginning of your marriage, you might find some direction for what to do next."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?", "answerText": "I would focus on YOU right now. We cannot control him, his actions, his love, or his decisions. But we can work on you. Think about a few things: What do you want? What do you love about him? What made you two separate? What do you think about being in a relationship where your partner does not love you? Does that seem fair? He may want to work things out or he may be done. He may be done for a short period of time or be done forever. No one can answer that which is why I think you should change the focus.If you do get back together, will you still trust him to not leave you? What if he does not love you?If you never get back together, can you still have a healthy, happy life? Can you mourn that relationship but also learn from it?I want you to be strong, happy, and healthy with or without him. So yes, there is hope for you - with or without him."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?", "answerText": "Most important is to take care of your feelings regarding that he has left you.From your description there doesn't seem to be much hope your husband would like to keep the marriage going.Has a long time passed since the two of you separated? Sometimes, and really this is very rare, people decide to return to their marriage.If he impulsively decided to leave and now is a short while since he did this, then there is some hope he will decide to stay together.If he's been out of the house for a while and tells you what you wrote, then there is greater chance he's had time to think through to split and will follow through.As painful as it is to hear that someone with whom you'd like to be, doesn't want to be with you, accepting your hurt feelings will eventually let you come to peace with your feelings.To keep hoping against the facts of what he's said to you, only makes your own pain intensify."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A year ago, the love of my life left me and never looked back. Our son was two months old at the time and it broke my heart. I miss her so much and can't seem to get over being so heartbroken.", "answerText": "Who takes care of your son, is a significant part of getting over your heartbreak.If you made reasonable custody terms re your son then the relationship heartache is much easier to recover from than if your sons mother vanished from his life, or if the mother wants nothing to do w him.Re the actual relationship, let yourself feel sad and hurt since this is the truth.Usually life gradually fills in new people, including a relationship once you feel strong enough from having endured such sadness and loss."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "A year ago, the love of my life left me and never looked back. Our son was two months old at the time and it broke my heart. I miss her so much and can't seem to get over being so heartbroken.", "answerText": "I recognize that you say you are missing being with the love of your life. At the same time, I don't understand whether you are able to see your son. I'm curious as to the relationship dynamic between you and your son's mother.When you say that she \"never looked back,\" I imagine you are conveying that getting back together is not something that she is interested in.I would suggest that you talk with a therapist and your local area so that you have the ability to discuss the loss of this person who you love so much. Most people think of grief related to the loss of someone who has died, But it also applies to people who have a significant loss, whether that is a relationship, a job, or any number of other things.In the meantime, try finding something about yourself that you value and can focus on."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I got married in 2014. I have a two year old son. His mom and I decided to separate due to my infidelities. We've tried to reconcile our differences but it never works out. Since we've been separated, I've dated someone, and we are expecting a baby girl. Is this something I should mention to my wife? The current woman whom I'm dating has been telling me for months to break up with her, but it's hard because I actually love her.", "answerText": "My answer is yes, you should tell her because you have a child with her. She is the mother of your son, and this new baby would be his half sister. I think telling her is mature and appropriate. Usually procrastinating just makes it worse.Another thing to consider. Would you want her to tell you if she was pregnant with her boyfriends baby? Hope this helps, take care!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I got married in 2014. I have a two year old son. His mom and I decided to separate due to my infidelities. We've tried to reconcile our differences but it never works out. Since we've been separated, I've dated someone, and we are expecting a baby girl. Is this something I should mention to my wife? The current woman whom I'm dating has been telling me for months to break up with her, but it's hard because I actually love her.", "answerText": "Only tell your former girlfriend who is the mother of your son, what is necessary for her to know as it relates to your son.The mother of your son has every right as a parent to know who is directly involved in her son's life.First figure out how you will handle your current girlfriend's request to end the relationship you have with her.Without knowing whether you are in a relationship or not, is a key piece of information which the mother of your son would likely have interest to know and be entitled to know.Also, love is never enough to keep a marriage working. Love is a wonderful emotion only managing daily life and family decisions requires commitment to the other person.Reflect within yourself if you are willing to commit to your current girlfriend. Then you'd have a substantial offer to make to her of your willingness to be together with her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Our relationship ended about 7 years ago, but don't know how to let go. How can I get over that person and move on?", "answerText": "I think giving yourself the space to realize that this was a significant relationship and it really had an impact on you. I think you should honor that relationship and then talk about it to someone.The more you try to not think of it, the more you will think of it. I think you should instead, say \"thank you\" to that relationship. Thank you for showing you what qualities you like, what you desire. Maybe even come up with a list of what that specific relationship did for you. After you say \"thank you\" to that relationship then it may be time to say goodbye.You obviously want to get over that person, so figure out why you want to get over them. Why did it not work out? What negative parts of the relationship do you keep forgetting to think about. Oftentimes, people glamorize the past. So for your goodbye part of this phase, I would focus on the negative parts of the relationship. You can also work on emotionally saying goodbye to that time in your life. You are probably different than you were 7 years ago, and to be honest, they are probably different too.I know it sounds weird. But I would recommend that you mentally say \"thank you\" and \"goodbye\" to that relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Our relationship ended about 7 years ago, but don't know how to let go. How can I get over that person and move on?", "answerText": "What you're most likely trying to get over is to be attracted to the qualities which you felt attracted to in the person.The problem isn't releasing yourself from the person, per se. Letting go of a person means separating yourself from the qualities in a partner which you value.Two possibilities exist.Either you continue to feel strongly that the qualities in the past relationship are still meaningful and you'd like to base your next relationship on these qualities.Or, the person had qualities which are no longer relevant or necessary in your life and this is the reason the relationship ended.It is possible that even if you had an adequate exposure to certain qualities in someone that you simply miss the companionship of a relationship.See if you can figure out whether you need the qualities this person gave you or whether you simply like being part of a couple.If you like the particular qualities of your previous parter and these are still relevant to your life, you'll attract a partner who has similar qualities.Basically people attract what they need.The more open you are to attracting what you need in a partner, the more likely your next partner will have these qualities.In this way, you'll get over the particular person and still have the satisfaction to be in a relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "Well, there is some good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that people are capable of moving on from relationships, even if the person showed them a sort of love that they've never felt they've had, or deserved, before. Sometimes, even just the fact that this has happened for them can, eventually (see below) lead them to seek out love again, because they now believe they will be able to have that again.So, the not-so-good news though is that one can not \"just move on.\" I'd even venture to say that the pressure you may be putting on yourself to just move on and out of this yucky hole of feelings that you are in is actually too much pressure and adding to the yucky feelings as they are. Instead, try thinking of getting past these feelings as grieving over the loss of someone (even though someone didn't die, there is still a significant loss you are experiencing) and therefore how essential it is to allow yourself to grieve, to feel whatever feelings (of anger, or sadness, or something else) that you are feeling. Often, it is really helpful to speak those feelings (I recommend professionals in this case) who can help you feel like you are not pathological for this struggle, and instead that it is completely normal. Love is a crazy thing, and the feelings can get very confusing. But, the last stage of grieving is \"acceptance,\" and it is very challenging to get there if you skip over denial, anger, bargaining, and depression."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "What if we think about this in metaphor: imagine a dirt road suddenly paved over - where before it was small, once paved, it was faster, smoother and suddenly you, the driver, knew what real driving could feel like. Then your road got a pothole: now, every time you drive, you hit that hole, and it only seems to get worse, the more you drive over it. Until that hole is patched - until you choose to fill your heart with either love for another or love for yourself - you might find it challenging to 'keep driving on your road'. Instead of letting go of how you felt, try to hang on to that feeling, just direct it inwards: you've shared you're capable of feeling strongly for another, surely, you're worthy of that same regard? All the best~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "There is no wrong or right way to define a relationship. I believe each relationship we are in is an opportunity to expand and to know self on a deeper level. We are conditioned to believe that we are not valued, or worth much without the confirmation of others and the world around us.Give yourself time and try to not go to those who are toxic and enjoy the drama of others lives as s way to avoid looking at themselves."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "Love is a deep and nuanced feeling so start to accept that a simple cutting of emotional connection isn't possible.Honor the love you felt for this person. Acknowledgement of your love feelings will most likely help you find a dignified way to accept them while at the same time slowly developing new ways to live your life in a way which does not include the actual person.Your feelings will always belong to you. The newly discovered sense of how love feels will be with you and positively influence all your relationships. There is a benefit to feeling loved even if it is not forever in this lifetime.Also, your partner opened your feelings, the feelings which showed in fact already were within you. He opened the door and this door belongs to you.I hope you will find ways to appreciate having been loved and to be open that your feelings of being loved are a positive influence in all your relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "One of the most challenging areas for people to deal with is getting over the the person you have loved so much. It's a catch 22. You know mentally that it's not healthy to think about them. However, your feelings are still there. Moving on is tough. It takes time for feeling to go away. That's the thing, it's not the person you're trying to get over, it's the feeling and the idea of them that is that makes it difficult. You've learned a lot from the relationship and time will help.Activity will also help. Are you actively living your life? If not, go out and maybe it's time to date and find new love. Grow with new relationships and it will help create focus on someone who may even be better than the love you previously experienced. You can do it!Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.Com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "It's difficult to move on and let go, especially when you've experienced things for the first time with someone, or feelings you've never felt before, as you said.I like the fact that you are looking at your situation \"logically\". Feelings can take time to fade, but you seem to understand, even if it is subconsciously, that it's the feelings he stirred up in you that are keeping you tied to him, not necessarily the person himself. Realize that you can and will experience those feelings again with another person - the RIGHT person. Don't hold onto someone who is wrong for you just because of something like this. You're wanting those feelings and wanting a relationship - but with him necessarily? Or with anybody? You said you don't want to be without your love for him - not you don't want to be without him. In fact, you said you know you need to be without him. It seems like it's the LOVE that you can't let go of, and the feelings. Not the person. Trust me, you will find that again. Take some time to let this fade. Don't try to force him or anyone else into a role that is meant for someone else. Cherish the memories and the experiences you had. Sounds like it's been a valuable learning and growth experience for you, but you have your own reasons, and I don't know what they are, for thinking this person isn't good for you. Trust your gut instinct and be glad you've had this relationship. Not all are meant to last. But all shape you into the person you are and will become, and all teach us important lessons."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I got engaged, and everything was going well. Things went downhill at some point, and I broke off the engagement due to an opportunity to go to college. After that, I found out she had been cheating on me. I think about her all the time now, and we have been communicating on and off, but my friends/family don't know.", "answerText": "Somehow you knew the marriage wouldn't have a good start if your fianc was cheating on you.Congrats on your intuition and following your intuition.An engagement breakup is full of disappointment and sometimes talking about the particular points help the couple to clarify and possibly set the relationship on new terms or feel more confident in the breakup.I suggest you identify what topics re the relationship you'd like to clear up with your ex.If both of you are having touch and go conversation which doesn't address the deeper and more troubled areas which led to the cheating and breakup, there is a chance you both will go down a similar road of casual and light conversation which hits the wall of the deeper obstacles between both of you.Your friends and family don't need to know anything until you feel ready to tell them what you decide to tell them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He was in love with someone years ago, and he still thinks about her time to time. He said, and I quote, \"That relationship is definitely over. I love you, but that girl will always be in my mind.\" It just didn't feel like he appreciated all the things I've done to make him happy.", "answerText": "Trust your intuition on your conclusion about this guy.He may very well love you, only with the ex so prominent in his mind, it is possible your feeling of not being appreciated now, would multiply if ever the two of you needed to address a delicate topic.Since he is emotionally attached to the former gf, it is very likely he wouldn't be able to fully love you as much as you'd like and are already sensing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He was in love with someone years ago, and he still thinks about her time to time. He said, and I quote, \"That relationship is definitely over. I love you, but that girl will always be in my mind.\" It just didn't feel like he appreciated all the things I've done to make him happy.", "answerText": "It sounds like you were in a tough spot here.I'm not able to tell you whether or not you made a mistake because the decision is yours. I am wondering what led you to ask whether you made a mistake and whether you wish you were still in the relationship with this guy. If so, is it an option to talk about this with him?If you decide to get back together, consider having some conversations about what your concerns are and taking about five minutes or so to listen to this guy's thoughts, feelings, etc. Then see if you can repeat the essence of what he said to make sure you have it right. Then maybe you can ask some questions that you have and see if he is willing to listen. When each of you is in the role of asking questions, try to ask them as if you are an investigative reporter trying to learn more about each other's experience.If you are looking for information on coping with breaking up and you don't want to get back together or that's not an option, consider looking at how you define yourself and what is most important to you at this moment. I hear you saying you've done a lot of things to make him happy. I'm wondering what is making you happy. Hopefully you have friends or family that you can trust and talk to. Even if you don't talk about your relationship with all of them, I hope you have some people around whom you can be emotionally safe and comfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My spouse decided he no longer wanted me six years ago. Things have deteriorated so badly that we have separated but still live in the same house. He says he despises the sight of me, wants to be with other women, and divorce. What I don't understand is that he says constantly that I have no feelings for him and gets absurdly jealous if I speak to another male. Why does he constantly do these behaviors? I might add he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and as a narcissist.", "answerText": "What a burden for you!Your husband cannot seem to make up his mind on his viewpoint and doesn't seem to care whether or not you're affected by speaking out of two sides of his mouth.Keep yourself protected emotionally from him. There's no good which can come by arguing with a person who flips their position.Live as separately as possible from him and stick to roommate type matters such as groceries, bill paying and housecleaning as discussion topics.If he cannot make sense of what he thinks and feels, then certainly you will face similar difficulty trying to do so!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My spouse decided he no longer wanted me six years ago. Things have deteriorated so badly that we have separated but still live in the same house. He says he despises the sight of me, wants to be with other women, and divorce. What I don't understand is that he says constantly that I have no feelings for him and gets absurdly jealous if I speak to another male. Why does he constantly do these behaviors? I might add he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and as a narcissist.", "answerText": "It sounds like this is quite difficult.It sounds as if sometimes your spouse want you to be a part of his life (which could be a part of where the jealousy comes from) and sometimes he doesn't. Talking about this would likely be a delicate conversation and from what you mention he has been diagnosed with, I'm wondering if he has a therapist. If so, do you know whether he would allow you to come to one session so you can learn more about how he feels? Maybe he would be to use more of it because in the contained environment of an therapy office. This way at least you would know where he's coming from. You could also ask whether he is able to hear what you want, wish for, or desire between the two of you.Remember, just because you hear or follow what he is saying does not imply that you agree with him, although that concept in itself could be a subject of discussion because not everyone is aware of it.I hope that you are able to hold onto who you are and what you want throughout this."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated. He says he needs some time apart. He says he needs to get back the in love part of a relationship but doesnt want to lose me. Should I wait or start over new?", "answerText": "It's not uncommon for relationships to go cold over time. It is a matter of one or the other becoming complacent. If you and your husband have been together for quite some time it's likely that you are very comfortable and familiar with each other. While this is a good thing in some ways, it can also become boring and you run the risk of losing that \"in love\" feeling he is referring to. Couples simply become ambivalent. For some of the couples I work with in my practice, I find that helping to organize a time apart, which I call a \"Therapeutic Separation\" can do wonders for the relationship. I offer homework to be done during this time. Reading, worksheets and individual counseling helps people learn more about themselves and what they desire out of their relationship. It often times brings more appreciation for their partners. When the pair comes back together, we are able to push the reset button and begin a new chapter that is more fulfilling and exciting than before."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated. He says he needs some time apart. He says he needs to get back the in love part of a relationship but doesnt want to lose me. Should I wait or start over new?", "answerText": "That's a tough one. Would you and your husband be willing to attend couples counseling during the separation? That would benefit you both. If you separate and reconcile, what will have changed other than you having time apart? You will need to gain new skills to enhance and maintain your connection - otherwise you will risk repeating the cycle of disconnect, discontentment and separation. Please seek help from a therapist trained in couples work to help the two of you find a way either back to each other or gracefully out of the marriage. Time away will not, by itself, change your relationship into one that can be sustained."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?", "answerText": "You may be interested in reading my most recent post, Intimacy Begins With You. In it I offer 7 expert tips to help you get started on a path of self connection and discovery. This is important stuff to do in order to work through that stuff that's holding you back from the relationships you desire. You may find that it's especially helpful to do this work with the alliance of a skilled individual therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?", "answerText": "It is a good thing that you have recognized that you have been in some unhealthy relationships and that you are wanting to break this pattern. You seem to have some good insight into the situation.The type of behavior that you are describing is usually rooted in childhood issues with insecure attachment bonds with your caregivers, childhood trauma and/or abuse or neglect, or dysfunctional family issues that did not allow you to develop healthy boundaries for yourself or a sense of self. This is something that is going to take some time to work through in therapy. I recommend a book titled Boundaries: Where you end and I begin by Anne Katherine. Another book that might be helpful is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.In the meantime, until you can work through your personal issues, absolutely do not enter into another relationship. Take however long you need to and work on becoming a whole, happy, emotionally healthy person on your own. Needing another person to define you is problematic. Thats too much to expect from any individual.For a relationship to be healthy and happy, both people in the relationship first need to be a whole person on their own. That means having a clear sense of self, knowing who you are and what you want, knowing how to set healthy boundaries, and knowing how to meet your own needs. It is unreasonable to expect your partner to meet all of your needs all of the time. There will be times that they wont be able to meet your needs. You have to know how to meet those yourself.When you are working on becoming the best you that you can be, eventually the right person will come into your life. Then you can CHOOSE to be with someone because you want them in your life instead of feeling like you NEED them to complete you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?", "answerText": "Good for you on your keen awareness of your difficulties and your willingness to change!The type of change you'd like to achieve is possible, and since a change in self-confidence and self-love is deep rooted, this comes about gradually and slowly.Keep understanding yourself during your moments of doubt and anxiety. Its fine to feel terrible and certainly better to know you feel insecure than to act upon the insecurity by being with men who take advantage of you.Everyone needs to feel loved and recognized.Until you attract a partner who will love and appreciate you, develop relationships with co-workers and classmates, neighbors, so that you have some quality of giving and being given by someone.It is a way to nurture yourself and another person until your strength and self-belief grow bigger."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?", "answerText": "Here are some things I'm wondering:Do you have close friends that you can talk to, trust, and who can be around sometimes when you're in between relationships?What do you like about yourself? What are your strongest points?Do you think you have been in relationships with controlling than in the past because it makes you feel as though you are worth something to them?What kind of relationship you want to be in?What are the top three or four attributes of the type of partner you want?What can you do to make yourself emotionally safe during your typical daily activities?Can you notice a list of things that you can control throughout a typical day? For example, you probably choose what to wear, what to eat, how to talk to others, how committed you are to school or work, etc.It also sounds as if it may be helpful to discover more about yourself in addition to what you look for in a partner.As far as emotional abuse, it may be useful to develop communication skills that you could use prior to their relationship progressing to the point that it is emotional abuse.Thank you for reaching out to ask questions. If the questions that I've asked here are difficult for you to answer or are overwhelming, talking with a local therapist would probably be something I would suggest."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After my fianc cheated on me because of a miscommunication, I pulled myself away from him. Now he says all he wants is be with me. I'm pushing him away mentally now because he cheated on me again. I make plans with him that I don't keep. I really do love him still and I care about him. Should I give home one more chance?", "answerText": "People don't cheat bc of miscommunication. People cheat bc they feel diminished regard for their partner.You pulling away doesn't explain his behavior.If the two of you still were a couple at the time he cheated on you, then there were many alternatives he cold have taken besides disrespecting you.Try to understand whether you are satisfied and happy in the relationship. Your actions sound as though you are not either of these.Whether or not you decide to be together again many depend too on if the trust you had in him is restored. Do you feel you can trust him again?If the two of discuss your relationship then if you don't trust him right now and the both of you talk about your dynamics, then tell him about your feelings.Trust is foundational to feeling safe and happy in a relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Moving on is the right question. Everyone's different in moving on. First, what can I learn about myself because of this painful time? Caring non-judgmental family and friends who listen with the head and heart help a iot. Other times I need a skillful, caring professional to help me move on. You will find a way because you've asked the right question. Dr. Spencer"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "The termination of a relationship can be a challenge to heal from. Having obsessions after a breakup are very normal and many of my clients experience them. It can help to create a distraction box and when the obsessions present themselves use your distraction activities. In the beginning try to distract from the obsessions for 5 minutes and work to increase that time over time. Celebrate your successes when you are able to distract yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Initially, everything is a reminder because there is a trace of that other person present in everything in your life.When we lose someone, we're saying goodbye to what we thought our future was going to be. Accepting that's changed and allowing ourselves to envision a new future is necessary to \"move on\".Start learning something new or try a new activity that you've always wanted to do. Find whatever is \"good\" about being out of the relationship and focus on those things. This can be an exciting time of transformation for you. As time goes by, you'll add new things in your life that aren't entwined with this relationship and those things will begin to crowd out those things associated with the relationship. Give yourself a little empathy, no one goes through a breakup without being sad. It's ok to be sad. It's even ok to feel devastated. Loss of a relationship touches a primal need we have to belong. It makes us feel insecure, unanchored. In truth, we are ok, safe even. This experience will open different perspectives for you. There are lessons you'll take from it that will add another facet to you as a person. Maybe in time, you'll even appreciate this experience. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Best wishes to you,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Dealing with a breakup is difficult. We have high hopes and then those hopes and dreams are dashed and we feel at a loss for how to deal with this sudden change in our lives. First, it is important to acknowledge that losing a relationship is a loss and we need to grieve that loss. If we don't allow ourselves time to process and move through the grieving process, we may remain stuck and it may make it hard to move on. So in some ways, you don't want to move on too soon by just trying to ignore your feelings. Instead, take good care of yourself, talk to friends and give your self time to heal. The second most important thing is to forgive yourself; this is also an important part of taking care of yourself. You might be blaming yourself and re-living moments when you wish you would have done things differently. By replaying those thoughts you remain stuck. When we begin to forgive ourselves, we truly begin to heal. Lastly, in my experience the people who have the most difficulty moving on have not really severed all ties with their ex. They are still following them on social media or even checking in with texts. This is probably the hardest part for some people, but to move forward there needs to be a clear boundary and a clear ending. If you have a clear ending, you can have a new beginning. I hope this helps. Take good care of yourself!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Relationships can be extremely enjoyable and satisfying. When relationships end, however, it can be devastating. It is normal to go through a grieving process after a breakup. Denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and eventually acceptance are all normal stages of grief. You may experience these feelings all at once or one at a time. Allow yourself time to grieve by expressing your emotions - talk to a friend or write in a journal. Take care of yourself during this time by exercising, eating and sleeping well and spending time with friends. After some time you should start feeling better. If you feel like you're not feeling better and you don't know what to do, you can see a therapist to help you get through this difficult time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Breaking up can be a very difficult thing. I'm sorry you're feeling badly. The first thing is to be really sure you are taking care of yourself --- that means eating well, exercising, getting good sleep, spending time with friends/family and making sure you are taking care of important things like work, rent, bills etc. Secondly, it's important to do things that make you feel better and not worse. If looking up your ex on social media makes you feel worse stop doing it! It's important to concentrate on you and not them. Thirdly, it's super important to make sure you're really looking at the situation accurately and look for the good things that still exist in your life --- what is still good? Even though your emotions are hurting and you are feelingbadly, can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Do you feel hope? If you do try to concentrate on that hope feeling. If the obsessing continues and really gets in the way of living your life? Maybe contact a therapistor counsellor that can help you through this difficult time?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Hi,Break ups can be very devastating and even traumatic. Recovering from one is a process that is unique for everyone person and will take time. It's important that you don't compare yourself to others. Each and every person will experience this grieving process differently. Here are a few tips to help with your recovery:1. Make sure you surround yourself with people who love you and support you, friends and family. Even though you might feel like being alone, make an effort to be around them.2. Although you might not feel like it, try to take care of yourself as much as possible: eat healthily, get regular sleep, & vigorous or gentle exercise (depending on your mood). The last thing that we want to do when we are physically sick (e.g. flu) is to take care of ourselves even thought that's what we need the most. But when we do get that chicken broth, sleep and vitamins we recover much faster and with less discomfort. That's exactly the same when it comes to emotionalpain. Take care of yourself, keepyourself strong and healthy so you can recover faster.3. As much as possible, put away reminders of the relationship. You might not be ready to throw things out, but try to put them away in a box in the storage or in a closet. And also block Social Media reminders. There is a lot of wisdom in the saying \"Out of Sight, Out of Mind.\"4. Once the initial shock and intensity of the break up wear off, try out something new. In a relationship, we often forget and give up on things that we always wanted to do or to try. Now it's time to bring out that dusty bucket list and start trying something new.5. If possible, change your scenery by going away on vacation with a friend or even by yourself. Changing your surroundings can really help you change your thoughts, mindsetand forget your ex even if just for a few hours. Even a weekend getaway with a couple of girlfriends can do wonders.6. In addition, to help you make sense of your past relationship and what went wrong, I would highly recommend seeing a professional counsellor or therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "The best way to move on is to give yourself sufficient time and space away from your ex so you can heal. That means no checking out your ex on social media platforms and no contact. In order to move on and diminish the obsessions, help yourself recognize and accept that the relationship is over, and make sure to get sufficient support in processing all your feelings. Once that takes place, it can be useful to explore and process with a professional the meaning of the relationship and to understand your part in what transpired.Sometimes people obsess because they have difficulties accepting what's already taken place and want things to be different. The key to moving forward is to be loving toward yourself, to give yourself permission to grieve the loss, and to start cultivating new and healthy habits/patterns. Reengage in your present life, ask yourself what you want your life to look like, and start creating goals and taking small steps to create the amazing life you want for yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Let yourself know what you feel. There is no timetable or known length of how much time a particular person requires in order to feel that the dissolved relationship is behind them.Probably the more you allow yourself to acknowledge your sadness from seeing the reminders, the sooner you will feel fresh and new again."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently went through a divorce. My ex-husband called my sister saying bad things about me. My sister never defended me. Now that I showed the truth, she's shutting me up and saying she doesn't care about the fight. Why didn't she convey that to him from the beginning?", "answerText": "Sorry for so much emotional pain from the combination of the divorce and your sister not supporting you in the way you wish.When you feel ready and if you feel this would help, then consider to talk to your sister from perspective to improve the relationship the two of you have.Since the ex is gone and the sister is an ongoing person in your life, this particular incident is only one in many which the two of you will have with each other.The disappointment you feel now as to how she handled herself, is a point to bring up to her for the sake of clarifying the type of relationship you each would like to build with each other.As to your specific question as to why she did what she did, she is the only person who has the answer.Start with finding out if she wants to improve the relationship altogether. Then you can use her lack of support with the ex, as an example of how meaningful her support of you is to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently went through a divorce. My ex-husband called my sister saying bad things about me. My sister never defended me. Now that I showed the truth, she's shutting me up and saying she doesn't care about the fight. Why didn't she convey that to him from the beginning?", "answerText": "Unfortunately, I can't tell you what your sister was feeling or why she reacted that way.I can say that divorces can be difficult or confusing for everyone involved. While the divorce is most impactful for the couple going through it, the divorce itself also changes extended family dynamics. Also, a lot of people don't act the same way around extended family (or other people) as they do at home behind closed doors, so there are times when divorce is a real shock to everyone who was not directly involved in it.I wonder if you are at a place where you can shift your focus into looking at your relationship with your sister, how she is treating you, how you feel around her now, etc. I do not know how close you were before all of this and how close you feel now, but perhaps if you can assess your overall relationship, you could find a time when you could ask about this (why she didn't convey that to him from the beginning) in a way that is calm, not defensive, and is honestly looking for an answer from your sister, not looking to defend yourself at that moment. If that conversation can happen, it may be quite a difficult one, so it may be good to have something to think of to remind yourself that you are trying to gather information from her and him that conversation, it's not about you, but is about where she was coming from. After you think you understand that (I'm saying that you understand where she's coming from, not that you agree with what she's saying), you could see if she's willing to listen to how you feel about it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She said she needed space after three days of dating, and she got a boyfriend a week later. I still really miss her, and she told me she still likes me.", "answerText": "Given the short amount of time you know this girlfriend, there is no history on which to make a judgment about the likelihood of what she will do next.Certainly she is confusing by telling you she likes you and is with someone new. And not giving you any explanation as to why she made her decision.I'd suggest two possibilities.Speak with her and ask her if she considers opening your relationship with her.Or, simply wait and see what she does when you contact her in a friendly way.Pay attention to your own satisfaction level.If you get more answers from her which aren't agreeable with you, then it is time to put the hope for this relationship behind you.Then you'll have clear space to find someone who is as interested in you as you are in them!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She said she needed space after three days of dating, and she got a boyfriend a week later. I still really miss her, and she told me she still likes me.", "answerText": "It sounds as if your ex-girlfriend is trying to figure out what type of relationship she is looking to have with you. There are lots of levels of relationships, from a basic acquaintance, to a more friendly acquaintance, to a friend, close friend, best friend, early romantic partner, committed romantic partner, and many more.If she is willing to have a conversation with you about her feelings, it may be helpful to have her explain her feelings to you while listening as an investigative reporter and asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but are what are called open-ended questions, which ask her to provide more information. During this process, it would be helpful for you to try to think of it as not being personal, but just listening and trying to understand the experience from her perspective. After you have done this for five minutes (it's a rough estimate, but basically until you can restate what she is saying and she says you have it right), you can switch so she is asking you questions about how you are feeling. The goal is not necessarily to change the outcome, but to learn more about yourselves and each other.Then you may have an idea of where you stand in each other's eyes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-girlfriend says she's bored and wants to experience life single. I treated her really badly and caused meaningless fights when she didn't do anything, I feel remorseful, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get her back. She's unhappy. When I called her, she was crying and said she will text me when she's ready.", "answerText": "Were you happy with the ways she satisfied you?A relationship is happiest if each partner concentrates on the happiness of the other.Strange for someone who was treated badly to describe themselves as bored, rather than say they feel hurt.Is it possible you are being self-critical about your behaviors toward your ex girlfriend?Either she is unaware of her feelings or not being fully truthful with you about her feeling badly treated.Since she's putting up a barrier to communicating with you, better for you to respect this than contact her by phone again.Consider in a few weeks, so each of you has time to think over your happiness with the other person, to write her an email which states your interest to re-open the relationship.Who knows, you may even decide by the end of a few weeks, that you're fine without this particular relationship.Depending on her response to your email, you'll know whether and how much chance there is for the relationship to clear up the problems of the past and to continue."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.", "answerText": "Cheating on you shows a lack of commitment, in addition to the emotional hurt it creates.Probably you didn't actually forgive him because if you did, then you wouldn't have been asking questions of his every move.Maybe you were open to forgiving him. In order for forgiveness to be effective, the person who has done the injuring must first show some understanding and empathy for the great pain the person caused in you.From what you write, your fianc didn't seem to have much interest in earning back your trust or in empathizing with the way his cheating effected you.It is very likely his tiredness is also tiredness you feel, of having to watch him all the time.As uncomfortable as adjusting with the disappointment of him leaving you, the situation you describe sounds like it was unsatisfying for both of you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.", "answerText": "if he as cheated on you multiple times it is not healthy for you to continue seeing him. HoweverIt takes time to heal your pain. You are not a robot that can just switch off your emotions. Please surround yourself with people who can support and empower you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.", "answerText": "There is a grieving process after losing a relationship (or any other major loss, such as a job, a house, etc.). One of the things to consider is give yourself a chance to go through the tasks of mourning:To accept the reality of the lossTo process the pain of griefTo adjust to a world without the person who has just leftTo find an enduring connection with that person in the midst of embarking on a new life. This could mean a lot of things, but it could be holding certain memories as your own.You may also find things that make you feel happy or comfortable. It's also helpful to have people who you can talk to about your feelings and people who may be able to recognize things about you that you cannot see right now (such as how you are honest, committed to your work, a good listener, etc.).This takes some time. Try to be gentle with yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was in a relationship with a woman for four years. We both made mistakes, but I do love her. She has moved in with another lady. I think she is just cheating on me to make me miss her. How can I find out for sure?", "answerText": "Has your former partner made any efforts to be in contact with you in order to restart your relationship?From what you describe, your former partner is in a new relationship.It is possible that since you love her and would like to be together again, that you are misinterpreting your former partner's actions.If you'd like to have more certainty as to wether your former partner is cheating or whether she is happy to be with the new partner, is to contact her and ask her your question.A better road may be to accept your sad feelings that she is with someone else.Since she was meaningful to you, respect the sadness you feel and that the relationship didn't continue as you wished."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He had a sexual relationship with his sister and kept it from me for years, I confronted about it and he finally told me what happened. But I dont think he is telling me the whole story. He works with her and sees her every day. I feel that I shouldn't stay with him , but he says he ended it long time ago. Should I trust my husband and stay with him?", "answerText": "Trust is a necessary factor for an intimate relationship to feel safe.The person who must repair the trust is the one who has broken this trust.The best way to find out if your husband wants to restore your trust in him, is to ask him this question. He may not be willing to meet your request.If he hesitates or becomes defensive about the need to restore your trust, then ask him to think his decision through and tell him the serious consequence you are considering.Ask him to reflect for a few days or a week and then to address the topic again.If you and he consistently find that he is unwilling to do anything at all to regain your trust, then I agree you have serious thinking to do as to whether or not you'd be able to live within a partnership based upon trust, in which you don't trust your partner."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-fianc (whom I am still seeing) left me because of the pressure from all three of his teenage daughters. They wanted him to try to work it out with their mom (his ex-girlfriend of 20 years). He and I split three months ago, but I have been seeing him pretty regularly despite the fact that he is living back with his ex-girlfriend and kids. He is \"co-existing\" for the kids and fighting all the time with his ex-girlfriend. His daughters dont want their dad with me because my two boys (grown adults and on their own now) had bad reputations and issues with drugs. His daughters say it is embarrassing for him to be with me. He and I had an absolutely amazing relationship and connect on so many levels. He is getting a lot of pressure from his family and his longtime friends to \"do the right thing\" and stay with his ex-girlfriend for the kids. He says he wants me to wait. We were going get married last year. He bought me a $1000 dress, we had invitations made, and everything set up, but then his girls told him they'd never speak to him again if he married me. He says hes trying to mend his relationship with them.", "answerText": "Hello. It seems you are in a set of circumstances that are highly uncomfortable for you. Do you feel those circumstances are healthy? Do you find pleasure being in such a place of uncertainty? Why do you continue to be in this situation? Without meaning to appear that I might be lacking in compassion, you do have the option to leave the connection completely if the harm it is doing is more that the pleasure it brings you. Is there a benefit to being in this relationship? Do you consider this situation to be for your highest good? Is it healthy to be involved in something that is not likely healthy or perhaps could even be seen as dysfunctional? In truth, only you can decide the answers to these very important questions. I would encourage you to think of who benefits by being in this situation, and how you might be able to find happiness in other relationships that are healthier and more positive. In my clinical view based on what I read, this particular relationship does not carry the joy I am sure you want, nor the healthy interactions you would expect in a functional romantic engagement with another person.Beating yourself up about potentially wasting all this time waiting for the other person to come around will not serve a positive purpose. It likely will only lower your self-esteem. There is a time to wait to see how things develop, and a time to move on to other experiences. You are the one to make that choice, but I would encourage you to connect with your inner higher self, for the most clear answer. Chances are, you already know the answer, you just need to embrace it. Getting in touch with a counselor in your area can also help ferret out some of the deeper issues that you might not have felt comfortable expressing here."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Boy, ending relationshipsis tough, isn't it? Sometimes it's tough even when we are 100% sure that it is the right thing to do!I am going to give you some of my thoughts, and hopefully some colleagues will add some others. One of the things that I want to point out is that \"letting go\" is not really a thing. In other words, it's not really something you can reach out and grab. It's more of a process. This is good news, because you don't necessarily have to be atthe end of the process to end an unhealthy relationship. We just have to accept that there will be feelings that come up even after the relationship is over. For example, someone can end an unhealthy relationship today, but then be reminded of the good times on what wouldhave been their \"anniversary.\" This could make the person very sad. They may even regret ending the relationship for a little while. It would important, then, for the person to remind themselves why the relationship needed to end, and that they are healthier because of it. This is relevant for you. It's hard to walk away from a relationship. We fear all kinds of things, including being single! Sometimes it's helpful to compare what you are getting out of the relationship to what you want from a relationship. It's helpful to be honest about what we have given up for an unhealthy relationship. It's fine to admit uncertainly about ending things. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have moments of doubt and sadness along with a dash of guilt. And even with all of that,someonecan still leave if it is the healthiest thing for them. They can have sadness later on, and still not go back.It sounds like you are feeling responsible for making sure he is okay because of this divorce. The truth is that there is not necessarily a \"perfect\" time to end any relationship. There would be no guarantee that he would be doing any better after the divorce. SometimesNOT makingdecisions stresses us out A LOT more than making a decision and living with the consequences, both good and bad. You may be at that crossroads. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?", "answerText": "First decide what you truly would like in the current relationship. Understand your reasons for staying in the relationship.Three years is a substantial amount of time to be involved with someone. Whatever attachment you feel toward this man is deep and complex.Instead of deciding to leave or not leave, change your question to figuring out your satisfactions and dissatisfaction with the man.Also important is to tell the man your feelings.Whatever problem you are feeling may become clarified by discussing what bothers you.At the very least, you will give the guy a chance to show how interested he actually is in the tension you currently feel and have felt for a while."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was in a relationship for almost five years. We were friends for a few years before we got into a relationship. He was a caring, friendly, and charming guy up until three and a half years in. He started controlling me: who I hung out with, where I was at all times, and he had a huge hissy fit if I tried to ask him the same questions. All that time, he just liked me as a friend and was cheating on me with my so-called friends. At the end, he was a nasty and narcissistic person. Now its hard to be social.", "answerText": "It sounds like you had a very confusing and painful experience in this relationship, and now you feel hesitant to let yourself get close to people. It is understandable that when we are hurt in relationships, we may have trouble trusting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with others.Therapy is a great place to explore the roots of present difficulties in relationships, to unpack what happened in prior relationships, and to find new ways to show up in relationships so that we can have the relaxed intimacy that we want. Often, relationship difficulties represent patterns of relating that we learn early in life which we may feel compelled to act on outside of our awareness and therapy provides an opportunity to become more aware of these patterns so that we can change them, enabling us to feel secure and to seek out satisfying companionship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We're not together, but Im still doing things for him and we are intimate. Hes not there for his son.", "answerText": "You didn't ask a direct question because I feel from what you wrote you already know the answer. I hate to sound harsh but I am a therapist that call it how I see it so brace yourself...You will always continue to have problems with letting your child's father go as long as you:Don't love or respect yourself first...Don't love and respect your son...Don't demand respect as a woman and mother...Give up the goods regardless of what he does for you or your son...Don't hold your son as a priority in your life....Have self worth of a $1, etc.I have a feeling you are saying...I do love my son and hold him as a priority even if you don't do it for yourself...I would ask...Are your actions of allowing such disrespect from his father proof of that?I know what I have said may have gotten under your skin...I want it to.... because I feel that you have a conscience, want to do better, know you and your son deserve better and you can do better. Believe in yourself and that you and your son DO desire better and it starts with you setting boundaries with his father. You can do it!!!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband told me last year he never loved me and should have never married me. He's been talking about divorce, but he hasn't filed. Now he has a girlfriend and he abandoned me and his kids. He has no financial help, and he has been out of the home for four months. He became very angry and mean. He says it's all my fault, and that we're not compatible.", "answerText": "It's hard to say that it is a midlife crisis stage.. could be... but so much more seems to be going on or have been going on to say with confidence that it is not much more."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband used a lot of negative words to hurt me, and I moved out. He is seeing a counselor and wants another chance to make things right. I'm not sure if I trust that he will not go back to his old ways.", "answerText": "I am glad he is seeing a counselor. That is something that most men struggle with doing at times. Time will tell if his actions are of good intentions. However remember that a person can only doto youwhat youallowthem to do in relationships. What part did you play? Did youdown play hisdisrespect at one time?Did you give up the power of your own voice? Did you lose yourself in the relationship and it became just one sided? Did you allow him to make you doubt yourself? In others words, if you do decide to give him another chance,what would you do different? Not saying that you are the blame or cause of the negative wordsAT ALL, but don't allow such disrespect from him oranyone else in the future. If you do decide to give it another try, go in witha voice, with the demand of respect, with your needs and wants expressed and expected.With an increase in your self worth and confidence, youwill knowwhat to doifhis actions are trueorifwith dishonest intentions.Seek counseling as well, if you need that additional support to find self."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?", "answerText": "In any relationship, including marriage, each partner will be better able to do their part, by understanding their own interests and wishes.Concentrate more on what you'd like from your marriage. This will naturally raise the questions and criteria of what to talk with your husband about and what to ask of him.Think over whether you wish to divorce or not.Since he hasn't taken any action, then for the moment, you can assume he is not sure of what he wants.Once you feel a little more clear on your opinion about your marriage, including feeling uncertain if you'd like it to end or continue, then you will be able to tell your husband the suggestions you have for resolving the dispute matter and emotions.Try to re-direct your speculations about, \"what does he want\", \"I wonder what he's thinking\", back to answering these very reasonable questions, about yourself.This will strengthen your own purpose in clarifying where to start and guide a discussion with him.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?", "answerText": "In situations like this, in most cases, he probably will not fill anytime soon. It's more of the fact that he isn't ready to give that life yet... Now if you probably pressured him about it then yes, he would probably give in.. But if it hasn't been a big issue anymore or something you guys aren't talking about, then right now.. Everything is on a hold."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "In 2008 my former husband of 14 years walked away from my life and we've been separated ever since. We have always been together sexually and both have experienced sleeping with others. I stopped because I wanted my marriage to work out but he did not. If he stops sleeping with other women, can our marriage be saved? Or should we just part ways? I still care deeply about him after all that I did and he has done. But he is seeing someone else on and off for years now. Will our marriage still be saved if he decides that he wants to try to do so?", "answerText": "Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship. There is definite value in being clear as you are, about your own emotional investment in your husband and that you expect sexual exclusivity from him as part of the foundation of your marriage.Also positive is your awareness that only your husband is the one who must similarly decide his own standards of being sexually exclusive to you, or not.Whether your marriage can be saved depends on what each person is willing to accept about the other one.Is sleeping with other women the only criterion of what will satisfy you about being together with your husband?Love and care are not enough to make a marriage work.Partners need to be able to compromise and cooperate with each other.That you care for him definitely intensifies any emotion you feel toward your husband. It intensifies any frustration and sadness about the relationship too.Decide how much emotional sadness and hurt you're willing to tolerate and the reason you're willing to do so.From what you write, you are being very generous of yourself and not being reciprocated for this.If your husband doesn't start taking steps toward satisfying your wishes, this may be your time to question your own generosity in waiting for him to do so."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep on begging him to come back. I am so unhappy with him but am so scared of being a single parent to our son. I was abused as a little girl and that has made to be very abusive to men. What should I do...", "answerText": "Major change frightens almost everybody.Don't be so afraid of your fear that you let yourself beg and are willing to accept unhappiness as a standard in your marriage.If you start considering that life can be better than what is current for you now, new possibilities and ideas will start developing in your mind.Consider finding a therapist so that you have private space to talk in detail about your fears and the new ways of seeing your Self.A therapy relationship, since it is safe and supportive, will be a good balance to having been abused, suffered, and unhappy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife just last week said she wants a divorce and it's all sudden. I understand that marriages have their ups and downs but I don't understand why she can't tell me why she wants a divorce. Should I fight for my family (daughter and wife)?", "answerText": "Chances are, if you really think about it, there were signs that something wasnt quite right in your marriage. You may have passed these things off as being the normal ups and downs of a marriage, but whatever it was (or wasn't), it's obviously bothering your wife. I would say yes, keep trying to fight for your family, at least until you know what the problems are from your wife's perspective and if they're repairable. Ask your wife if shes willing to try to work on the marriage and then see a marriage counselor. Just be sure youre open to hearing what's said and try not to get defensive if she blames you for some things.Even if your wife is adamant about getting a divorce, that doesn't mean youre divorcing your daughter and you should make sure she knows that. Continue to be a part of her life. And although it may be difficult, if a divorce does happen, try to be as amicable as possible with your wife so your daughter isn't further impacted by this new family dynamic."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am going through a divorce from a narcissistic sociopath who left me for another woman after mentally and emotionally abusing me for 11 years. I have moved to a different state and after giving up my successful business am working as a server at a restaurant. Im coping as best as I can. Is it normal and healthy to not adapt as quickly and be as strong as I think I should be? I am astounded at his cruelty and how much he doesn't care, as well as most other people in my life. I feel like I don't exist to anyone anymore as there is no contact from anyone who I thought cared about me. My brother just said no to lending me a few hundred dollars for me to live on. I am losing faith in humanity itself.", "answerText": "I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. I think that it is normal to struggle to get your feet under you again after a divorce, especially after leaving a relationship that lasted 11 years, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time and do the best you can.I notice that you said he left you. This tells me that you didnt have the strength to leave him on your own despite the fact that you say he was emotionally and mentally abusive and also cheating on you. Low self-esteem can keep someone in a bad relationship because they think they cant do any better. Also, abusers will make you think that they are the best thing you can get. The way I see it, he did you a favor. You are now free to make your own life whatever you want it to be.Take this time alone to work on you. As hurtful as it may be that other people dont want to help you, this is something that you need to do for yourself without feeling like you need someone in your life to take care of you. Your statement I dont feel like I exist anymore tells me that in addition to low self-esteem, you also dont have a clear sense of identify and rely on the people in your life to help define who you are. People can and will let you down. It is important for you to learn to handle disappointment, learn to take care of your own needs, and to gain a stronger sense of self.Do nice things for yourself every day because you deserve it. Even if it is just to soak a little longer in a hot bubble bath, do something that makes you feel good. Find a hobby that you enjoy. Look in the mirror and tell yourself some positive affirmations daily. Google positive affirmations to find some that resonate with you. Such statements might be I am a good person who deserves to be happy or I can do this. Some relaxation and meditation exercises may help you as well. There are some free meditation exercises that you can find online by doing a simple Google search.Take this time to focus on you and try not to worry about what everyone else in your life is doing. When you are a happier, more stable person, the right people will come into your life without you even looking for them. Good luck with rebuilding your life. I know it is hard! Remember to take it one day at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am conflicted with this guy I work with. He is a coworker and close friend whom I've had a crush on since meeting him four years ago. We made out once after years of flirting. I was hoping for more, but nothing happened. I distanced myself a lot after.", "answerText": "Hello! Emotions run high in \"crush\" situations and when emotions run high it's not uncommon for us to have emotion-based instead of fact-based thoughts. After reading your question, I wondered how you went from \"making out\" to \"nothing happened?\" I wondered if this happened because of an emotion-based thought that sounded like \"If he liked me, he would make something happen.\" A truer and more empowering thought might be \"I want something different to happen with him and I want to take a different action to see if that can happen.\" This thought focuses more on the one thing you can control: YOU. Hopefully, the thought also empowers you to think through what you can do to gauge interest/talk with him about his feelings on the matter. I hope this helps and good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.", "answerText": "The offspring are your Property;If you require that no other man show inappropriate content to them, then require compensation for use and enjoyment of your Property, without your consent;Send them a bill;When they do not pay it, activate the local Sheriff, take them to small claims court, and win a judgment against them for failure to compensate for the use and enjoyment of your Property;I wonder what might happen after that... learn to act as man :)... and watch the magic happen..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.", "answerText": "From what you write, it sounds like you're reaching quite far into your child's father's way to handle his friendships.There's a difference between an agreement between you and the child's father to not view porn, and with you monitoring and setting standards for your child's father's way to handle his social life.Try to accept the limits of your request extends to you and the child's father, not the way the child's father wants to handle his relationships with other people.Also, pushing too hard or setting your expectations of the child's father too wide for him to tolerate may end up backfiring on you.Who knows, maybe he'll decide \"enough is enough\" and withdraw from the otherwise reasonable agreement to not watch porn."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.", "answerText": "In my book, this is a boundary issue. Although you do not like inappropriate content, it is not up to you what your child's father looks at or what his friend sends him. It is really hard not to monitor other people's lives, but in the end, your rights begin and end with you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are wanting to protect your child from degrading images and that is one of the important parts of the job of a parent. Although it is challenging to supply an answer without knowing the full situation, it might be helpful to have a more broad discussion about what you both think about the influences and images that your child is exposed to and what you think your role is in protecting your child. This situation is one about beliefs and values and could well be an example you can use for exploring your parenting roles in protecting your child."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boss took over some work I'd begun. Concerned that she had doubts about my work, i asked her for feedback. I assured her that I did my utmost for customer service, and asked if I was deficient. She then said this was me being co-dependent.", "answerText": "This interaction with your boss seems strange. It is tricky to know how to handle workplace conflicts, but there are typically resources in place to help employees and mangers communicate successful and feel confident that they are being treated fairly at work. Is there an HR department that you can use as a mediator?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "I think it's important to tease more of this situation out to figure out what is at the root of the stress. It is emotionally dangerous to be at a job for a lengthy duration in which you feel overworked and underpaid. You will not perform well as you mention, and thus your self-esteem will continually take a hit without really any effort. So, I don't know that simply coping with your stress would be advisable as a first step.You don't speak about a lot of what the office dynamics are like, which can be a big indicator for me of what can be done to help you feel better (because we exist as a part of a relationship with everything, including people at our job.) I would encourage you to speak up about your contributions to your boss. Often, \"overworked and underpaid\" also includes the \"my boss never notices me,\" and that can demoralizing. If we feel appreciated, that can go a long way. I've found that it is quite common for bosses to require some instruction for how to show each of their employees \"appreciation\" (and it goes deeper than \"thank you\" or taking you out to lunch - it's almost something felt as opposed to made explicit.)But sometimes appreciation isn't going to do the trick either. Because that overworked and underpaid actually has led you to feel \"burnout.\" You have zero interest in doing the job in the way it is designed, so some real changes need to be implemented.The bottom line? Try not to just \"suck it up\" and do all of the \"self care\" work on your own. If your company isn't helping you to take care of yourself (I'm talking to you, boss that handles employee pay and/or work conditions!) then you also have to question if this is a company worth working for. While I don't know exactly what you do, it sounds like you have confidence in your contributions! So take that confidence to a tech company that will support you (and there are tech companies out there!)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Being in this position is tough. If seeking another career opportunity isn't viable, there are a couple of things you can do to manage stress on the job.1. Have a ritual to begin the day: Consider setting a one sentence intention and plan tasks for the day2. Take the breaks you are offered. I know it can be difficult to step away from your desk to eat lunch or take 10-minutebreaks during the day, but prioritize this if you can. Sometimes 30 minutes of downtime and fresh air can help you feel better.3. Have a ritual to end the day: If you commute by car consider an end of the day playlist. Take a walk. Light a candle. Clear your desk and write tasks for the next day. Whatever it is, send a signal to your brain that it is time to end the day.4. If you do work from home or are expected to be availableafter hours, set boundaries where you can. Set a timer for answering emails and stick to that. Have phone free meals. Try to engage in activities that are rejuvenating like spending time the friends and family. 5. Try to limit alcohol/ drugs. Move as much as you can. Get outside in natural sunlight. These are just ideas/ suggestions. Even doing one of these things could be a step in the right direction. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Hello. Workplace stress is one of those areas of living that troubles many people who need an income to survive. The interactions between you and coworkers is a mixed bag, and sorting that out can be difficult. Also, if you are feeling under appreciated and not well paid, this can add bitterness to your lot of emotions. A few questions can be kept in mind as you work through your situation. Do you have the option of talking to your employer about your experiences and feelings with regard to your current work? Do you have local resources that you can use to find different jobs in your field? Do you have connections with employment counselors or agencies that can support you with strategies in dealing with workplace stress? These questions might cause others to bubble up, and could begin a new journey into a new field.While still at your job, what can you do to take care of yourself? Are you taking breaks? Do you eat lunch at the office, or do you go somewhere away from the office to eat? What do you do when you have a few moments to breathe? Understanding that you can indeed find even the smallest strategies useful for self-care, can help bolster your energy and give you some support as you move through the day. Seeking the support of family and friends can be helpful as well. Knowing your personal limits and when to pull back and take a break will give you a chance to recharge your mental and physical energy, thus helping you face the demands of your job."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are experiencing burnout and have very little, if no job satisfaction. There are some aspects of this that are in your control and others that are not. What type of work do you typically enjoy? Do you enjoy high stress work? What keeps you in this job? Is there a reason you have stayed? Is your boss reasonable to have a conversation with? I recommend a few things. For one, you may want to have a discussion with your boss about your job duties and see if there is a way to either eliminate some responsibilities or get higher pay. Another option, if you are unable to have an open conversation, you can start to look at an ideal work situation, what would you like/ be OK with/ absolutely hate about a job. Then possibly try to look for a new job that fits these qualifications.If you are unable to leave your job, you may want to attempt to balance your work life with more activities that create joy outside of work. Sometimes that balance can help you tolerate work more. I recommend that you find a supportive person to talk with and process these frustrations as burnout can lead us to do things we may regret."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Recognize your reason for continuing to work for this place.Sometimes \"overworked and underpaid\" is tolerable bc of the valuable learning which the person will take with them when they've decided the time has come for these lessons to end.Or, are you in this place bc it is an easy commute to your home or fits well with other parts of your life such as education or some health related program?As long as you have a good reason to be there, you will feel there is good purpose.If there is no good purpose and every day you wake up to work for a place you can't stand, then its time to look for a new position."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet.", "answerText": "There are many possible ways dating your boss could go awry and jeopardize your occupational well-being so my recommendation is to hold off on presenting your boss with a personalized gift and instead focus on building attraction and romantic interest with someone who is not at the workplace. Sometimes the element of power and unavailability can heighten our sexual interest but that doesn't mean it's a healthy idea to pursue someone who is in a position of power over you at your workplace."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet.", "answerText": "Human attractions can be tricky things, and in this case - a power dynamic. In the workplace, a boss usually has the power to hire, fire, set schedules, approve vacations, and evaluate performance. Because of this power dynamic, most employee handbooks expressly forbid supervisors and their direct employees being in a romantic relationship. Perhaps you should check your employee handbook. It is possible that if you or your supervisor act on your feelings, one of you might have to be reassigned, or if no reassignment is available, asked to resign. While you may be attracted to your boss, and your feelings may be strong, it might be in your best interests to resist acting upon them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work \"sweetheart.\" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?", "answerText": "You may not get her to understand your point of view with any more success than your wife is having with you to do the same.It is possible you are a balanced couple in the sense of neither one of you understanding the other.The deeper question to ponder is whether each of you can accept the other person even though you each have very different terms for defining \"cheating\".You will find either there are enough strong similarities to keep the two of you happy as a couple, or there aren't these similarities.Then, the new question would be whether either of you want to address your findings or not."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work \"sweetheart.\" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?", "answerText": "Here is the truth: You will never get her to understand! because that would mean changing her and we can't change other people we can only change ourselves. I would recommend to take the time to self reflect on what exactly it is that you are doing that is contributing to the mixup. You both have very valid feelings and those won't magically go away until you address the root problem (which could be many factors).I am curious to know more about past relationships the both of you have had and how that plays a role in your current relationship. Many times we don't realize how past relationships truly impact our current behaviors."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was having a sexual relationship with a coworker. He decided he was going to get a hotel room for the weekend. Before I got paid, I told him I would have $25.00, which I thought I would. But when I saw my paycheck, I could not pay the $25.00. He says I lied to him about it. He wants me to reimburse him $25.00 for the hotel room he decided to get. He stayed at the hotel, and I left. I don't think it's right that he want me to reimburse him $25.00 for a hotel room he wanted to get in the first place. He is out of town right now and texted me yesterday telling me I am a liar and that I should never said I was going to have $25.00 when I knew I wasn't. I told him I had to pay rent and my rent was late. He texted me saying I need to get two or three jobs.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. It really is up to you to decide if you owe him the $25.00. If you feel like it is the right thing to do based on your discussion with him, then pay when you can. I am actually much more concerned with how he is treating you over $25.00. I know that it can be a lot of money if you don't have much, but that doesn't give someone the right to call you names and harass you through texts. You may want to take some time and think about your relationship and make sure that these are the qualities and behaviors you want in a sexual partner. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore.", "answerText": "Getting your first job is an exciting, terrifying, and challenging experience. It is something you will remember for a long time and it shapes how you begin to think about yourself as a worker. You are literally \"learning as you go\" in this completely new environment. You are going to make mistakes. You are not going to get it right the first time. It can be even more challenging if you are having a difficult time building relationships that are supportive at work. A couple of things to remember here: 1) You are there to do a job and you are getting paid to do it, 2) There is a reason or reasons for you wanting to be there and do that work, 3) you know best what you need in order to be successful. These three items can be helpful to remember, especially when we feel our emotions are taking over in a place where we do not feel safe to express them fully. If you feel like your supervisor is approachable, meaning someone you could talk to because they express confidence in you, let them know you are nervous about doing a good job. Also let them know how you learn new tasks, information, or expectations so they can deliver the message in a way that you understand. Becoming a successful worker doesn't happen overnight, but each day you can identify what works for you and what doesn't by communicating with your work team, the easier it will be for you. We all had a first job once, and were all worried about doing well. Hang in there, and call a counselor if you need more help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore.", "answerText": "How sad for you!I'm sorry your first job is turning into a place of tension.Did the matter between you and your boss get resolved?Do you feel respected by your boss and does she listen to your point of view, even if afterwards, she disagrees?Keep an open mind over the next several weeks or few months on how you feel in your new work situation.Expect to be treated fairly and reasonably.If this is not the way you feel most of the time, then consider finding a new place to work."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My coworkers are making false statements about me to the boss, saying I have mood swings. They have no proof to back it up. Can my employer make me see a therapist of their choice?", "answerText": "If this is a concern of a few coworkers, make sure it is not something they see but you don't admit to. Employers can \"suggest\" or something \"stipulate\" in continued employment with them for you to go to their Employment Assistance Provider (EAP) if they have noticed the same behavior and concerned of how it is effecting productivity or employee relationships. No one wants to work in a environment which they consider hostile. Employers can be held responsible if they do not take action.Couple of things you can do...Ask a coworker in which you trust and respect if what others are saying is true?Seek professional help from your primary care provider or counselor if mood swings do exist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My coworkers are making false statements about me to the boss, saying I have mood swings. They have no proof to back it up. Can my employer make me see a therapist of their choice?", "answerText": "I cant give you legal advice, but employers can suggest you see someone if your behavior is affecting your job. I believe most government agencies have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) where employees can talk to a therapist about any issue, not just work-related, for free (up to a certain amount of sessions).Im wondering, though,why your coworkers would tell your boss this if its not true. Is it possible that you're not aware of how your interactions are affecting others? Maybe thisforced counseling can be an opportunity for some introspection on your part."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?", "answerText": "It sounds like you have mixed feelings and motivations - which is understandable. On the one hand you want to get over him, on the other you are still holding out hope for something more. It will be really hard to let go of him and create friend boundaries so long as there is a part of you holding on to the idea of something more. If you are being really honest with yourself you might need to acknowledge that you are not really striving to get him out of your system - that you have not really given up hope of having a relationship with him. If you are whole-heartedly committed to moving past the sexual and romantic parts of your relationship and just having a friendship than refraining from all the touching would be a good place to start. It is hard to \"just be friends\" when all your sex and bonding hormones are coursing through your veins."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?", "answerText": "How frustrating to want a relationship with someone who does not feel similarly!The person who needs to be at the top of your list of those whose interest you consider, is yourself.Most often, staying engaged in dialogue, affection, sex, with someone who has different reasons than you have, for doing so, creates longing, frustration and sadness.Since the guy has told you he would like limiting his involvement with you, more than likely you will be protecting yourself from disappointed wishes, by taking his words seriously.Since you've made your interest in him clear, it sound like he's taking advantage of what you're willing to offer him.As long as he's not reciprocating with the involvement you'd like, why continue being available to him?The one area that is open to you in a positive way, is to understand which qualities of this guy you find attractive.By understanding more about your own interests about a potential partner, the stronger you will be able to step away from those who would like you for their reasons, which have nothing or very little in common with yours.Good luck with defining the qualities of a partner with who you will feel fulfilled by sharing yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?", "answerText": "It sounds like a tricky situation. If you want to maintain your friendship and continue to have regular contact with him, getting over him may not be possible. What makes it even trickier is that his actions (hugs and touching) may be misleading and are allowing you to believe that a romantic relationship is possible. Some ways in which we naturally get over others are when we fall in love with someone else or when we suddenly see the person we like in a more negative or unattractive light. If you truly want to force yourself to get over him, cutting contactor setting strict boundaries may be necessary. If you don't see him, over time you can begin to forget about him. If you set boundaries by discontinuing to allow the hugs and touches, you will not feel mislead orhave the idea in your mind that he is being flirtatious or interested.It would be difficult to continue the relationship as is and expect your feelingsto change. Thus, being proactive by talking to him about boundaries or cutting contact with him are two things you can do that will likely help you to get over him. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does this go against any ethical codes? Are there legal ramifications?", "answerText": "Generally, the ethical codes only prohibit relationships with clients.There are however a few types of counselor-to-counselor relationships that are prohibited by the ethics codes. Such prohibited relationships include those between supervisors and supervisees; between professors and students; or any time the relationship might negatively impact your (or their) clients.Lastly, some workplaces have rules against dating coworkers. It would be a good idea to check if there is such a rule that applies to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "What exactly is it that you are looking for? Different people define themselves in different ways. For example, one person may define himself by his values and morals while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics. Still, another person may define himself by his interests and hobbies. Learning who you are as a person can take time and life experience. At the same time, who you are may change according to what experiences you have had and how you have dealt with them or felt about them. Try viewing the journey of finding yourself as exciting and ongoing. Allow yourself to feel emotions and learn how they relate to theexperiences you have. This may help youto know more about what you value, what you like and dislike, and what you want for yourself in life.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "The older I get, the more I believe that our real task isn't to 'find' ourselves. We're already 100% \"there.\" What we do have to do is become more mindful of the times when we feel the most alive, most happy, most creative, and most fully engaged with life. It is in those moments that we find ourselves.For example, I couldn't help loving the people or things I loved, no matter who tried to talk me out of them. All I needed to do was notice when my heart opened and I felt the most alive--not because I was afraid or addicted, but because in those moments, I was in contact with my highest self.On the flip side, I needed to recognize the people and activities that consistently brought out the worst in me--the ones that made me feel controlled, constricted, dishonest, resentful, or afraid--and be honest about them.Mindfulness of \"what already is\" is the key to finding yourself. Align yourself with the people and activities that matter most to you. Don't let old habits, crappy jobs, or mean-spirited people define you. Just stumble your way forward as best you can, with greater self-awareness followed by affirmative action.."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "Three years ago I attended a week long meditation retreat. By the fifth day I noticed I was light headed and felt very strange. I began to realize within my own being an experience of no separation. I would see others at the retreat and smile. I loved them all. I could feel the connection with this awareness I had read about but never truly understood until that moment. I remember understanding all the teachings I had learned throughout my life about a god who existed outside of me. I realized I had all these answeres within my own being and so did everyone else. I began to see everyone as not just capable but powerful loving beings. Since this experience it has been my desire for everyone to become conscious within whatever experience they wish. I do this in many ways.At our studio we combine Mental Health with yoga and meditation as well as nutrition counseling to help people come to their optimal selves. To truly come into a state of \"finding yourself,\" is to start to know and own who you are from a state of solid being. In this there is nothing new under the sun, and it is very simple. I would love to teach you and anyone interested in coming into a state of awake conciousness. The more awake we are the more joyful we are. I live in this state of being and demonstrate it in my daily life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "Therapy may be an effective way for you to get a stronger sense of who you are. A competent therapist will work to create a safe and curious therapeutic relationship in which you can explore your identity. There are also many different exercises which you can do in and out of therapy which you may find helpful in this area as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "This quiet wonder that you have is something you can easily explore. There is a part of you that you can access anytime, anywhere. It is the part that has always been with you. Find a quiet place where you can be alone for a while and get comfortable. Settle in. Let your thoughts go by like a river.Stay with that connection for a while. What you find in the silence is yours alone, your \"you\"."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "Start by giving yourself enough quiet and time to remember about yourself what feels steady and consistent in your nature and interactions with others.Give yourself the freedom to your interest in having interests. Are you motivated because of competing with others or because an activity itself feels satisfying?If you are able to develop a sense of defining yourself without fear of judging yourself, you will start coming close to knowing who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "Because you put this under the category of spirituality, I'm not sure whether you are asking how you find yourself as far as religious or spiritual beliefs or overall.If you are talking about learning more about religious or spirituality, consider either going to or speaking with someone who is involved with a nondenominational church service (the Salvation Army usually has something) so you can discuss questions or ideas that you may have.As far as finding yourself in general, I suggest considering what makes you happy and/or comfortable. I also wonder if looking at the list of values here may be helpful to you:http://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values-clarification"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "This is perhaps the deepest question that one can ask of themselves and the answer is as elusive as the deepest enigma. We are fluid beings, we are never the same from day to day, we learn or unlearn, we evolve or some of us even devolve, we are in a state of constant flux, changing and adapting, like a cloud in the sky that has its shape changed by the wind, life whittles us away and carves us constantly, trying to understand this question is like trying to bite your own teeth, however we can have a sense of what we would call our core and to understand the core, we need to live and to experience, but also to think deeply, analytically, and critically, by engaging with life we get a sense that we are like the Earth itself, inside of us there is a core, just as there is inside our planet but our continents shift and change over time, like those continents so does our own nature shift throughout our lives."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "I'm having the same issue... I think you need to consider your morals and what you really want out of life. If there's something you want to achieve, that's who you are. And you need to put yourself into that and immerse yourself in the purpose of whatever you want. It doesn't matter how small it may seem. If there's nothing you want badly then think about other things. What others want or what you need or what others need. Find something that feels important and commit to it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "I understand that this must be a difficult time for you with many adjustments. If you feel comfortable enough to ask your parents to see a Life Coach or a therapist, this may be an excellent place to start. You dont need to tell them the reason why maybe say that you simply need someone to talk to for support with school or homework etc. The Life Coach or therapist would be the optimal person to advise you on how to proceed with providing support and guidance. There may be someone at your school whom you could talk to for confidential support and guidance as well. Be confident in the fact that you are not alone and there are always responsible adults available to guide you through any difficult process you may experience in life. Talking to family about personal issues can be difficult for anyone, even adults. I recommend getting help from a trusted, professional adult before you decide what to do."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Desire to inhabit the opposite sex's body derives from too fast of a re-entry into a new (feminine) body, after being released in a previous life, from an old (masculine) body.You remember the previous life's connection with the masculine experience and body, and wish to find a way to be more comfortable.We will approach this matter, spiritually, and I reckon you'll feel a great deal better :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "It is really important for you to be comfortable with your identity. With that said, it is also so important for you to be safe. It may be helpful for you to find supports (in your life, community, or online) that you can talk about how you feel and potentially gain supportive persons if your family does not accept you. It will be really important to connect with others and even a counselor to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Chances are your family already knows, they are probably just waiting on confirmation from you to say it. A parent knows their child."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Spirituality for those in the LGBTQ community can be one of the more difficult roads. Unfortunately, many unjustly ostracize members of the LGBTQ community away from faith and spirituality. I believe that folks can embrace the identity that is genuine to them, and still maintain their spiritual beliefs! Briefly, the keys are to first monitor how we allow those in our life to influence our thoughts and emotions. We need to create standards and boundaries to protect ourselves. We also need to not project the judgment of other people onto our individual spiritual beliefs! There are many ways in which to tackle this effort!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Ultimately, to suppress your natural identity will work against you.However difficult, painful, frightening, it is to tell your family about your discovery about who you are, trying to avoid your own truth will do you harm eventually.One way to make this conversation easier for yourself is to prepare yourself for the outcomes you expect and know will be difficult.Take as much time as you need to accept the potential rejection because this way iff and when it comes you will be better able to handle it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "First of all, I want to say, I am so sorry you are not feeling accepted by your family. I know how isolating and lonely this can be. The most important step you can take right now is building a community of supportive people who do accept you. Creating your own sense of community is very powerful for helping you love yourself. If you can find a trans support or LGBTQ support group in your area, I recommend seeking that out right away through your local LGBTQ center or PFLAG. If you dont have access to that, I recommend calling Trans Lifeline US: 877-565-8860 Canada: 877-330-6366 https://www.translifeline.org/. You can talk to other trans-identified people anonymously for support, calling them from wherever you feel safe. This is a great way to begin to connect with other people who have similar experiences to you. Next, think of this time in your life as your time to explore your gender identity, just for yourself. Make room to explore you gender identity in ways that are private and comfortable for you. Consider reading a book like: https://www.newharbinger.com/queer-and-transgender-resilience-workbook to explore who you are and build resilience. Also, consider learning about other religions that are accepting of LGBTQ folks for another perspective - there are many out there! Once you feel you have a strong support system outside of your family and a positive sense of self-love (which can take time, be patient, dont rush it), then you can consider what action steps you want to take with your family. If you are still living with your family or financially depend on them, having other supports in place first is very important. Its a very personal choice how you want to navigate your family relationships, talk it through in-depth with a trusted friend, other trans folks, or therapist to help you decide whats right for you.And remember, there are tons of people out there who will love and accept you. We are rooting for you!In solidarity,-Lindsey"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "For you and your fiance to move past this, he needs to accept you just the way you are. Being that you mentioned that you both come from a Christian background, maybe you could start there, he needs to forgive and trust your love for him. His insecurities stem from something bigger than you not being a virgin. Since this is the man, you are willing to spend the rest of your life with, be patient and help him find the help he needs. Talk about your commitment to him and reassure him that your history does not have to affect your relationship. Lastly, Pre-Marital Counseling can help you and him to open up about other things that might affect the marriage later.God Bless You Both, Mirella~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "You might ask your fiance about people who have let him down in the past; past hurts from parents, friends, people he has dated. If you are speaking about jealousy he may come from a divorced parent upbringing, may have seen parents cheat on one or the other, may have had partners cheat on him in the past. He may have fears that you may go off the \"straight and narrow\" once you get married. Listen to any concerns with patience and understanding, avoid being defensive.I would highly encourage pre-marital counseling to explore these things and individual counseling for himself to work on fears and anxieties. If he refuses and things do not improve I would consider postponing the wedding, things will not get better once you get married, only magnified.Finally show him Bible passages about forgiveness and worry and leaning on God with faith and hope for the future. God bless."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "You are right that his insecurities are at the root of the issue. You cannot change that for him. He will have to do the work to handle those emotions on his own. What you can do is reassure him in whatever ways possible, but always recognizing that you can't \"fix\" this for him. When I work with people who struggle with their partner's past experiences, I always frame it like this: Everything that you've experienced has resulted in you being the person you are today. The person they claim to love. If you had not gone through some of those experiences, you would not be in the position you're in now, ready to commit to him and know that you're satisfied with that. Just as when bad things happen to us, we have to find a way to appreciate the lessons learned your fiance has to accept that you're the person you are today because of what you have gone through. Celebrate that you have moved through that and have landed in this perfect position with him!Hope that helps,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "This suffering and clinging to the past, especially a troubled past or a past that we dont like, may be amplified due to the Christian framework that may be built into your life. I am not averse to religion, i just think that many times it puts unreasonable expectations on us and helps us to form a guilt complex or perhaps even insecurities, we are humans and humans make mistakes. you mention the straight and narrow, this is a notion that you must give up on and let go, humans can never travel the straight and narrow for their whole lives there are bounds to be mistakes, we are the most fallible species on the planet and please tell your fiance to have some mercy on himself, he is not perfect. Here is a story about clinging on to things you may find useful to mediate on:Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all -- young and old, rich and poor, good and evil -- the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, \"I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.\" The other creatures laughed and said, \"Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed against the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!\" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, \"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the messiah, come to save us all!\" And the one carried in the current said, \"I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.\" But they cried the more, \"Savior!\" all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a savior."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "Your patience with his pace of accepting your past, is the factor most in your control in this situation.Everyone accepts a new understanding at their own particular rate. Yours may be faster than his pace.Since it is possible he may accelerate his pace of accepting your past if he knows that this is a priority for you, tell him about your own discomfort .Even if knowing how you feel does not motivate him to a quicker pace of accepting your past, you will have the peace of mind to know you gave him all the information you possibly had to give."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "Sometimes we have difficulty keeping the past in the past. The best way to build a great relationship and have a great future, believe it or not, is to be firmly placed in the present. That means that when we stay in the moment with our partner and can notice what we are experiencing in the here and now we reap the best benefits of that relationship. We notice the good things that are happening in the moment. We are reacting to what we are experiencing in the moment, not reacting to a worry about the past. We notice, especially, who the person is right now and not who they were in the past. We can connect with the things we love about them, too.I think it is great that you want to help him and the choice to stay in the present and move forward in the relationship will mostly be up to him. We cannot change another person. It sounds like couples counseling might be a great step for you because you can both learn the skills you need to stay in the present and also learn some helpful \"active listening\" skills so that you can really listen to one another and understand each other. Communication skills can really be helpful. You can both have the opportunity to hear each other and support each other. We cannot change the past, but we can create the future we want.Best of luck to you both!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "One of the sometimes difficult things about being in a relationship is the fact that you can make goals for yourself, but you can't make goals for your partner. If your fianc wants to learn to live more in the present and learn to let go of the past or move in a different direction, you can certainly assist him, but you can't independently make it happen.I wonder if both of you would be willing to have a discussion where he is able to explain to you what he is experiencing and you are able to listen for five, 10, 15 minutes in a way that is not blaming or pointing fingers or asking him to change, but just listening (kind of like an investigative reporter) so you can have more details and ask questions that you may have about what certain things mean, when it feels like to to him when this is discussed, etc. At that point, maybe he would willing to listen to your thoughts on the subject as well.Also, if he wants to make a change, it may be helpful to see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. Sometimes changes such as these require a great deal of personal awareness and there can be quite a bit of emotions attached, so it is often helpful to have someone there to assist.It may also be nice to have a discussion where you consider what makes you feel valued, appreciated, special, or loved, and also consider what makes your fianc feel that way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "There are an infinite number of ways to look at this. Spirituality, religion, God, higher power, and many other parts of this discussion mean different things to different people. My question for you is what does \"real\" actually mean to you? Often, the concept of God has to do with what you believe in. If you ask 1000 different people, you'll probably get almost that many different answers.Consider talking with friends or family about this. I would suggest, though, that you have the discussion initially with people who you trust and who you feel are willing to listen to your questions and beliefs and perhaps offer an opinion without trying to make you believe as they do. You may also consider speaking with a pastor or another religious figure. The local Salvation Army may have a link to a religious or spiritual person that leads nondenominational church services. There may be able to help you to sort through this if your friends and family do not provide a comfortable environment for you related to this discussion.Just a word of caution. In my experience, ideas of religion and spirituality can be lead to very deep discussions with some people who are very strongly connected to what they believe. Some people do not easily separate their own beliefs from those of others. When initiating conversations about this, try first asking whether someone would be comfortable discussing religion or spirituality. A second question may be whether it is okay with this person you are talking to if you have different beliefs or opinions.As far as whether God is real or not, consider trusting yourself and what you learn, feel, and believe as you work through this process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "Thanks for posting. This is a significant issue for many people and can make us feel helpless; among other emotions due to the uncertainty. You said that, at times, you feel like everyone is lying. Ask yourself some of these questions. What is it that makes you feel so strongly that they are lying? Where is the concrete evidence that they are lying? How could I test my thoughts about this? What if things are not what they seem on the surface? Am I any lesser of a person as a result of this person's behavior or opinion? Our beliefs about ourselves and the people and our world and how we interpret information and experiences have a significant effect on how we feel and how we behave. It is important to objectively challenge the beliefs that contribute to negative emotions. You can start this process by answering some of the above questions. We are unfortunately influenced by what and who we associate with. As it pertains to if God is a lie; be honest with yourself and question your beliefs that tell you that God is or is not real. It may be helpful for you to speak to a preacher or chaplain of some sort and they can help you with a lot of that. Hope this helps at least a little bit."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "The way that I see it is that Humans have always been afraid of life and death, historically we have always tried to understand life, we try to organize it, categorize it, explore it, and we've built up this system, our system and societies system around us to help us define what life and (death) is, this system or way is not real but only a perception of our own value judgements, it is, no matter how you try to argue it, a false system of conditioning, humans have a finite mind and a finite mind cannot ever hope to understand an infinite mind of which a god would be. God has been developed over time as a security blanket for our child-like selves, the world is a beautifully brutal place and what is more reassuring than a master that will take care of us and show us the way. On Earth alone there are thousands of gods and even many more systems of thought, economics, societal structures and so on, it is almost as though it were a supermarket with so many choices, we have more choices in gods than we do flavors of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins, so then I ask you, \"which one is real?, and \"what is real?\""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "It is not a stupid question, it is very basic. To help answer your question, let me begin with the premise that you will never have absolute proof. With that being said, one can look at different phenomena in nature and history and figure what is the statistical probability that they happened randomly. If one comes to the logical conclusion that many are quite improbable, then there must be a guiding force and plan. May you be successful in your journey."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "Your question is actually thoughtful and reflects a true interest to know more about life.No one knows if god is a lie because \"god\" is a concept in which people either make up their own definition of this concept, or believe one of the concepts of what god is, handed down by religions.All the religions exclude the other god concepts, and expect loyalty to believing in their particular version of \"god\".Probably god is real in the sense that most people want to believe there is guided purpose to what goes on in life.This is as definite as what we can know about \"god\".\"God\" is not a lie because it is not a fact. Beliefs aren't provable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "Believing in God is amatter of faith. There are many opinions out there for and against Gods existence. But the real question is not if God is real or not, but, do you want to have faith and decide that he exists? This is a personal choice. Reading scripture may help to learn more about those who struggle with believing, but again, you decide if you believe that scripture is true or not. Praying and asking for a revelation or a confirmation may help as well, but again it is another act of faith. Estoy teniendo dificultad con la idea de: Dios es real o no?Tal vez es una pregunta estpida, pero algunas veces no s que es real o no. Siento que todo el mundo miente. Cmo se si Dios es una de esas mentiras?Creer en Dios es una cuestin de fe. Hay muchas opiniones en favor y en contra de la existencia de Dios. Pero la verdadera pregunta no es si Dios existe, pero si tu quieres creer que existe. Esto es una decisin muy individual. Leer la Biblia te puede ayudar a conocer sobre algunas personas que han dudado, pero de nuevo, tu decides si las escrituras son reales para ti. Orar y pedir una revelacin o confirmacin es otro acto de fe, que te puede ayudar."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a Christian teenage girl, and I have lost my virginity. My boyfriend is a Christian teenager too, but things just got out of hand between us in a sexual manner. I planned to abstain from sex but I guess I wasn't clear about this because I was also tempted and led him on. We continued to have sex. Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me? We're so young, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming of a potential future together. I really do feel like he is in my life for an important reason. I'm incredibly happy for I was able to escape from several abusive relationships because of him. I love him very much.", "answerText": "Having sex with your boyfriend is and was a mistake. Mistakes can be forgiven and you can make amends.But it is not the end of your relationship or God's will for you.Have a serious talk with your guy and get back on track with where you want to be. Talk to a counselor or your priest/pastor. Get someone to be your guide and mentor. Check in with them regularly.Getting back to square one could actually strengthen your relationship.Have a plan for the future where you will not be put into a place of temptation. Group dates, public places and no alone time where temptations might arise.Forgive yourself and move on."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a Christian teenage girl, and I have lost my virginity. My boyfriend is a Christian teenager too, but things just got out of hand between us in a sexual manner. I planned to abstain from sex but I guess I wasn't clear about this because I was also tempted and led him on. We continued to have sex. Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me? We're so young, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming of a potential future together. I really do feel like he is in my life for an important reason. I'm incredibly happy for I was able to escape from several abusive relationships because of him. I love him very much.", "answerText": "I'm not a super religious person... But I can't imagine that if you love him that much and you want him that much, that he wouldn't be the one for you because of something small like that. Sex is an act of love and commitment. If you feel that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life, want to marry them, then why should you have to wait until marriage? If you truly feel that this is the person you want to be with, then why would you need to wait until marriage if you're just showing commitment to each other?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a young adult woman, and I have trouble finding my true identity being at home. This all started when I had a boyfriend about 10 months ago. My boyfriend and I were dating for a couple months and decided to get in to sexual acts. At the time, I was pretty religious, but I let this happen. I don't know why. I felt kind of guilty but mostly because I know my parents wouldn't like it. My parents are very religiousthey're Christians. We did things every time he'd come over to my house. We didn't have anything to do at our house, so we would get tempted to do things when we'd watch movies by ourselves. One day, my parents found out I did this stuff with him because my dad read my messages. As soon as my dad found this out, he told my mom. They were both aggravated. They told me he was just a boy that wanted to get inside my pants. They said he wanted me for sex and he's not a Christian. I took their advice and broke up with him. Once we broke up for about a month, I decided to get back together with him a little after school started. My parents found out eventually, and I decided to not listen this time. I would constantly talk to my boyfriend about what they say about him: how's he's not the right one for me, and God totally forbids him. I would kind of try to break up with him, and then eventually I would just never listen to my parents. They're always yelling at me about how I shouldn't date this boy. I felt too old to listen to them. Now I'm kind of just stuck. Is the real me religious? Have I been brainwashed by him? I don't talk to my parents anymore about him, and my parents think I'm deceiving because of it. They threatened me that if I'm still with him, I can't do track and they won't support me. They've also called me slut, and now they called me basically a devil worshipper. They say my boyfriend is taking me away from my parents. I'm actually very happy with him. They also say I'm living a separate life at home than I am at school. They say they want what's best for me and love me because they adopted me.", "answerText": "What a tough situation you must be in, feeling torn between your parents and someone who is very special to you. I would say the first thing you want to do is(if you haven't already), have a calm reciprocal conversation with your parents, telling them how you feel and lettingthem know what you need from them. If communication attempts are unsucessful then you will need to make a decision with how you would like to move forward. You, unfortunately, will not be able to change your parent's feelings or opinions but you can agree to disagree on certain matters by keeping them separate from therelationship you have with your parents. It always helps to try and see things from another angle. You might want to, for example, try and understand your parent's perspectives and let them know you understand that they are upset. Validating other's feelings can be very helpful with communicating effectively. Are you living with your parents and do they support you? If so, are you willing to give that up should you decide to not followtheir rules? Know that there is nothing wrong with being happy with someone or loving somebody so deeply. Your feelings and actions certainly do not make you brainwashed or a devil worshipper.Not everyone will always approve of the choiceswe make and sometimes we need to be okay with that. Best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs.", "answerText": "I think the best thing you can do is be respectful of each family member's wishes. Although everyone may not agree with one another, the most important thing you can do for each other is to respect their faith and beliefs instead of trying to sway them in a certain direction.There are many families that are united despite their differences. For example, a mother may be Catholic and the father Jewish. By introducing the children to each faith until they are ready to decide for themselves can be beneficial.Also, it's not uncommon for views to change as one ages or faces different life experiences. So don't get too discouraged if your child wants to explore different avenues.Creating a loving and accepting environment is most essential."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs.", "answerText": "You have an opportunity, but you haven't described a problem. (Are you creating one?) Many families have various members who have different spiritual beliefs and religious practices. Accepting the idea that those with whom we are close may be different from us is the only way to create a world of peace. This may be a wonderful opportunity to practice tolerance and love. If mutual decisions need to be made in religious contexts, you may also get to practice boundary setting, assertiveness (without aggression), communication skills, and loving kindness. This is a great problem to work through! It is indeed a very spiritual question. Blessings to you all, ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "You already are doing that! You are reaching out (virtually still counts!). You are accepting your past, you are not denying what happened to you, you are talking about the past. You are already doing a great job of starting this journey. You get your life back by doing things differently.I would think about how you would like to process your past. Do you want to talk to someone? Do you want to write about it? Do you want to pray about it? Do you want to read and research books about trauma? Take some time and think about what you want to do. Think about what would work for you and dive in. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, so I am biased - but I really believe that counseling works. Having an objective, professional voice that can guide you on this process is so valuable. But please choose what makes you feel comfortable - not what everyone else says. I think you are very brave for reaching out and wanting to work on this. That takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry you had that horrible experience!It's common for those who've experienced childhood trauma(s) to not disclose the events until later in life. Sometimes it doesn't feel safe enough to share the information until the person who hurt them is far away, or even dead.Trusting and vulnerability are difficult, especially when we've been hurt. So, it's not uncommon for clients to share that their desire to be close to their loved one (emotionally, physically and/or sexually) doesn't match the reality of what they are able to actually experience.But, there is hope!You have met a loving and caring man, and you have a self-awareness that you did not experience before. I am confident that the help of a licensed professional counselor (preferably trained in trauma recovery) can help you navigate this healing journey and help you gain the tools needed for the life you want."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Have you explained to your prospective partner about the feeling of vulnerability which you've got?Disclosing one's truth to a trusted person will improve your sense of feeling safe and loved. It may also take off the pressure you feel to complete your own trajectory of making peace with your past burdens of ilife.If you find your possible new partner is patient and understanding, then you've both removed pressure off yourself and will feel validated and loved for speaking your plain truth and finding it well accepted.If you continue to hide your deeper complexity, or if you explain yourself and ask for the person's patience and understanding, and he avoids giving this to you, then you're better off knowing sooner than later the limits of understanding which this potential partner has."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Hi!This is a great question!The term you are looking for is alexithymia, the inability to identify and describe emotions in the self. However, just because you are not able to feel or express emotions, does not mean that you do not have emotions.After such a traumatic event that you experienced, your central nervous system goes into defensive mode (dorsal vagal nerves) that protect you from any further harm. What this means is if you were to feel your emotions related to your rape, you would have a sense of being overwhelmed, possibly re-experiencing the traumatic event.Not feeling emotions is your body's way of protecting you from any further trauma. Unfortunately, when the (parasympathetic) dorsal vagal system (shutting down feeling) is activated and suppresses your painful emotions (pain, shame, guilt, sadness, anger), it also shuts down your positive and relational emotions (love, joy, contentment, connectedness, happiness).I am very sorry that you had to go through such a traumatic experience as being raped. No one knows what is going on inside of you as a result. You don't know what is happening to your emotional wellbeing! The best (and at times, difficult and scary) thing is to process your emotions related to your trauma. This processing is done carefully, with a trained counselor, in a place that you feel safe, heard, and not judged. Although the thought of proceedings (addressing) emotions may be anxiety-inducing, it brings on a huge sense of relief and validation.What you are going through is normal, considering what happened to you! I hope you reach out for more help.If you have any questions feel free to contact me, Catherine atclevelandemotionalhealth.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry you've been hurt. It's very normal to stop feeling emotions as a way to protect yourself after experiencing a traumatic event. You can think of it as emotional shock-- you experienced something that was so awful that you have numbed yourself (mind and body) as a way to stop the emotional and physical pain of the event. It's actually pretty amazing that our selves know how to do this automatically. And, I hear you saying that you'd like to get some feeling back now.So here are some ideas for how you can change this:I think it would be a great idea to find an experienced therapist you like and trust and/or a good support group so that you can have some allies as you go through this process. You also could try journaling. If you're not sure what to write then check out this list of prompts to get you started (it's for teachers, but I really like it). There's also art journaling. Pinterest has lots of suggestions.Meditation could be useful. There are lots of apps available that offer guided meditations.Yoga, tai chi, or chi gong might also help.I have lots of other ideas, but without knowing more about you I'm reluctant to make suggestions that could accidentally make you feel worse. IThis protective mechanism of numbing yourself kicked in for a good reason and as you get your feelings back, you may find some pretty challenging reactions coming up. I guess my final piece of advice to is encourage you to trust yourself and gently go at your own pace in your healing. I hope this was helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Terrible things do happen in life, and I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. Please rest assured that you are not a sociopath, and that your reactions are normal responses to traumatic events. I'm guessing you are experiencing a sense of numbness, which is a common response to trauma. The best thing you can do is to get some trauma counseling with a professional counselor. As you process your experience, you will be able to feel emotions again. However, the first feelings to come back may be related to trauma, such as fear, panic, and a sense of hyper vigilance. A professional counselor will be able to help you tolerate these feelings, manage them, and heal from your trauma."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "I don't need to tell you that this is an incredible amount of serious stuff to happen in a short period. When we go through a trauma, it is natural for us to shut down as a way to protect ourselves. A kind of freeze response. Think of a possum or a gazelle. These animals go so far as to physically freeze in protection. Our emotions do the same thing sometimes. We feel shut down and that can be strange---a kind of disconnection. This does not mean that you are sociopath or that your feelings will never come back. The amazing thing though is that as time moves forward we naturally heal and emotions come back. If you feel stuck, seeking counseling is a way to help accelerate this healing and help you work through and begin healing. Wishing you the absolute best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Im sorry to know this happened to you! This is a normal response to traumatic events. When we are pushed to the extreme and we are unable to escape, we freeze which numbs us from pain but disconnects us from our bodies. We oftentimes continue to feel that disconnection until we work through these traumas. I would suggest working through your traumas with a therapist with methods like EMDR, somatic experiencing, yoga therapy, etc to get your emotions and fullness of life back!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry this has happened to you! I hope you have some people you find emotionally supportive around you! In terms of your question, I understand what you are talking about. Sometimes when a person experiences a traumatic event, an event called Dissociation occurs. Dissociation is the brain's way of temporary creating and increasing \"emotional distance\" between what is happening and what you are feeling and experiencing. This is a kind of natural coping mechanism, and it can occur just prior to, during, and after an event has occurred. People describe the feeling as being \"numb,\" or detached from others, their surroundings, and even from their own body. All of these descriptions are accurate and they are your brain's attempt to try and keep you safe from emotions that may otherwise overwhelm you. This is good, in the short-term, because you are not having to immediately face and cope with the immensely painful feelings associated with your trauma. But it is also not-so-good in that it also blocks your ability to feel positive and pleasurable emotions. So while your brain is protecting you, it is also preventing feelings you need now more than ever (such as regaining a sense of safety, soothing your hurts, and feeling empowered for your survival).You are not a sociopath, so do not worry about that, but I would strongly recommend that you consider seeing a therapist or other supportive mental health professional to help you work through what is happened. There are ways for you to heal from your experience which will help you get back to a place where you can feel safe enough to \"feel\" again. It might be an uncomfortable journey, at times, but you are already hurting and your life is being negatively impacted, now. Good therapy sometimes is like pulling out a splinter--it may hurt a bit to dig that sucker out, but once it's out, your body can finally start to heal. It might seem better (and less painful) to leave it alone, and ignore (avoid) it. But you risk INFECTION by your inaction which will be 100 x worse than just digging it out.Best of luck to you!Learn more about me and my practice at www.EMDRheals.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "You are describing a very legitimate reaction to trauma. Rape is an aweful experience and I am very sorry that happened to you. When horrible things happen, people often react in a way that interferes with the ability to live a normal life and function the way they did in the past. This is very common and the goal is to help you manage the stress caused by dealing with negative events and with help you can regain emotional well-being. This is especially important if you have had more than one negative thing happen. Oftentimes, the unconscious reaction is to become numb and avoid all feelings, especially if more than one negative event occurred. A big part of what causes people trouble are feelings of guilt. We often blame ourselves when bad things happen. It is actually difficult to comprehend the concept that we don't always have control of what happens in life. In addition, when you mentioned feeling like a sociopath, it sounded like you feel like your reaction is wrong. The first thing you can do is realize that your feelings and reactions are o.k., you aren't doing anything wrong, and nothing is wrong with you. The next step is to start dealing with the impact of these traumatic experiences. Identifying your feelings, and knowing the thoughts and beliefs that are behind those emotions can help you regain your sense of happiness. Research shows that understanding and expressing those thoughts and feelings can help. If doesn't sound like you need to do anything to change yourself, but talking to a counselor can be helpful in managing your reaction to a incredibly traumatic experience. I hope this helps you understand your feelings and can get to a place where you enjoy life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "First and foremost, be gentle and patient with yourself. It is normal to feel a range of emotions after a severe trauma including no emotions at all. Try not to push yourself to feel, just notice the lack of emotion you are experiencing right now. Maybe write about your emotions and the lack of them or talk about it with a safe person. Unfortunately recovering from trauma can take time and it's best done at your own pace. If you aren't feeling there may be a reason you aren't feeling. For severe trauma I always recommend working with a trained trauma professional who has the training to guide you on your path to healing fully."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Sociopaths don't know they are sociopaths.Clearly, you realize you have pretty deep emotions and have lived through several severely distressing situations.Your sense of self may be protecting for a while until you recover the practical aspects of daily life and feel some sense of predictability and stability in your life.Knowing and feeling disturbing emotions which rupture basic trust that other people are safe, is itself a raw process.Yes, it is possible to become numb emotionally. The good purpose is to protect you from additional hurt.When your inner world feels itself ready, more of your emotions from the recent distressing events will be accessible.If many months pass and you see no progress, then definitely consider a few sessions with a therapist who would be able to guide you to become more open to your feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "You're not a sociopath - you're traumatized. Shutting off feelings is our brain's automatic way of protecting us when something bad happens and we just can't deal with any more pain. It's temporary - which is both good and bad news, because after the numb goes away and your brain decides you're ready to handle it, you'll feel the emotional pain. My advice is to get a therapist ASAP so you have a safe place and a safe person when that happens.This is a horrible thing that happened to you, but you are not a horrible person. With good therapy you will learn to assimilate this into the rest of your life. You'll never forget, but you won't have the same pain about it .Good luck! You can do this!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you! What you are describing is being in a state of shock. You haven't suddenly become a sociopath - this is a normal reaction to an event that is completely overwhelming. There are most likely too many feelings to feel right now, so your body in its wisdom is shutting them down. You absolutely can recover, and it would be really important to get some trauma counseling with a counselor who feels safe for you to talk with. This is not the kind of situation to try and handle totally on your own."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "You are right on to recognize that the effects of trauma can be cumulative. It is very possible that a car accident could lead to an increase in PTSD symptoms that were related to other traumatic experiences.If you have been deployed to a combat area, you are most likely eligible for free counseling services through the VA Vet Centers. The Vet Center clinicians typically have a lot of experience working with military trauma. Here's a link to a directory of Vet Centers:http://www.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.aspYour service and sacrifice is greatly appreciated."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "A car accident can be scary and possibly trigger your symptoms of PTSD. It is good that you recognize the possibility of this occurring.Not everyone who experiences a car accident develops PTSD. The chances are definitely increased due to your prior diagnosis during military service.Some of the things to be mindful of for yourself include:1.Feelings of anxiety and increased heart rate when you're faced with reminders of the event.2.Feeling a little more on edge when you're driving.3.Being more watchful. You're more likely to scan your environment for potential sources of threats.4.Avoidance. Because of the anxiety that often follows an accident, it's natural that you may want to avoid some situations or experience hesitation at times.If you experience any of these symptoms or feel other symptoms of PTSD it would be advisable to seek help possibly through your local VA Medical Clinic or a private practitioner. There are certain modalities such as EMDR that can help with your symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "There are many types of traumas, and they certainly can compound on one another as you experience them. Without treating the traumas, or incidents where you felt there was a significant risk to your safety or that of others, there can be a cumulative effect. What we have learned in the mental health field from studying traumas, is that the body as a whole responds to these stressors in order to keep you safe during the events. If the body does not realize that it no longer needs to respond in this way because the event is now over, and then receives a trigger from a new event, it makes sense that the new event could cause additional issues. Both of these events can be addressed with the help of a Counselor. There are many Counselors that specialize in trauma inside and outside of the VA, so shop around if you are able and find someone that you connect with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "A car accident can be a traumatic event. Especially, if it was serious, you could have feared for your life, felt everythingvwas out of control and had normal reactions to an abnormal situation afterwards.This may or may not be related to the traumas that you experienced in the military. If it is then it is possible that you will see a direct effect in triggering off PTSD symptoms. Even if it didn't, it is possible that the complexity of the two situations will interact inside you to be a combined response.Having already been diagnosed with PTSD, this might be a good time to reconnect with the help system you had around military experiences and explore it a little bit about the new experience. The right exploration does not have to make things worse and can be a good source of prevention."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can occur after any traumatic event where a real and present threat of harm or loss of life to yourself or others is present. Yes, a car accident could increase PTSD symptoms such as hyper-vigilance, anxiety, nightmares, re-playing the event, etc. Depending on the severity of the accident new triggers might exist. This is not to say that you cannot recover. Are you currently experiencing additional trauma symptoms?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "This is a great question. PTSD can be very complex and debilitating. It must be very difficult for you at this time.When we feel complex emotions such as anger, frustration, and possibly low-self worth, the tendency is to try to avoid or suppressthese emotions. The more you avoid them, the more these emotions will express themselves, and at the worst times. This may be why your PTSD symptoms are harming your relationships and your job status.To help you get your life back, it is important to process your emotions with a counselor that has specific training in trauma-informed interventions. To process emotions, you start by inviting them in, observe them with compassion and without judgment. When we observe our emotions, it starts the healing process because we separateourselves from them.Remember, thoughts and emotions are constructed. You are not your thoughts, nor your emotions. They are messengers telling you to pay attention to them. The more we avoid the messengers, the louder they get, to the point that they are crippling you in more than one way.I hope this helps you begin your change process. For more information, please here is a link to a trauma post on my blog The Wisdom Room.Please reach out for help. And contact mewith any questions.Sincerely~ Catherine ClevelandCleveland Emotional Health"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Your feeling overwhelmed by emotion and finding it difficult to trust people. This can be a really scary feeling. It is a common reaction for individuals who have endured a traumatic experience. Often, the aftermath of a trauma can leave people feeling constantly on guard, panicky, depressed, isolated, and riddled with nightmares and intrusive thoughts of the incident. And while the signs and symptoms can feel complex and at times overwhelming, feeling better is more than possible. Give yourself credit for the courage that it takes to reach out. With trauma therapy, I would expect you will begin feeling better as we implement a compassionate and client-focused evidenced -based approach together.I've helped countless people to gain positive ground over their traumatic experiences in a safe, supportive environment. I offer a variety of evidenced based traditional therapies as well as holistic modalities to best support you on the path to healing. We will work together as allies in your treatment. It would be an honor to work with you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Slowly is the rate at which you'll get back your life.Being traumatized means not feeling safe in almost all areas of life.Be patient with yourself as you try to regain trust that people will not harm you and will be sources of satisfaction in your life.It is possible that the trauma in your life requires such great attention on your part to your own inner emotional safety that you are better off with a less intensive job than the one you recently lost.Try to prioritize restoring your emotional and psychological health. With this as the top area of your attention then you may have an easier time to accept a lesser degree of involvement in your work and relationships.When you feel angry, try to examine if underlying the anger are feelings of stress, fear, insecurity regarding your position in relationship to the person toward whom you feel angry. Anger is often the surface reaction to more destabilizing emotions like fear and insecurity.Gradually by nurturing and comforting yourself, living at a pace which is uniquely comfortable to what and how much you can handle, you'll regain your trust in both yourself and relating to others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "It is brave of you tospeak out, PTSD is not a joke and it can quickly take atoll on all aspect of life. Please, know that you are not alone and with the right help you can overcome these challenges.Living with PTSD can be very emotionally exhausting, but you can learn ways to cope with its challenges and findfulfillment in your life again. This means being proactively involved with the process, learning about the problem and positive ways to manage it can be a good start. This can also mean seeking professional help. It is important to address the problem both at thephysiological and psychological level, this can mean using medication that is prescribed by aMDto reduce the intensity symptoms and also working with an experiencedlicensed professional. Having healthy life habits such as good sleep hygiene, healthy diet, staying away from self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, and exercising can help reduce the intensity of the symptoms as well. Please, consult with a licensed professional close to you to get more information on resources you can possibly find helpful to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Hi there,I hear you, PTSD has a verydebilitating effect on your whole life. I know that from personal experience. Recovering from it is possible and doable!First is step is to acknowledge to yourself that your PTSD symptoms are a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic event. The nightmares, the anxiety, the heightened startle response - are all typical human responses following exposure to a frightening event. It's important that you don't blame yourself or your body for reacting this way, rather approach yourself withcompassionand kindness that you would extend afriendwho is hurting.The secondstep is to start taking steps towards healing. I would really encourage you to see a counselor or therapist specializing in trauma recovery so that you have a guided, step by step support. But if this is not an option, you can begin your healing on your own using a step-by-step approach outlined in the book, Healing Trauma, by Peter Levin. It's a very hands-on book and even comes with a CD audio guide. It has concrete exercises that you can do to help you eliminate dissociation, feel grounded, and decrease your anxiety response. I have used myself and with my clients with great success!You can begin your recovery journey now with this video with Peter Levin's approach to Trauma Recovery:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJDkzDMllcOne last thing, I suggest consulting with a nutritionist or a doctor to help you boost your healing with supplements, vitamins, and minerals. The stress from PTSD is very draining on the body, and you use up a lot of energy and resources, so at times of trauma supplements are quite necessary for recovery (Magnesium, Omega 3, Zinc, Vitamin C....etc)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "Have you tried counseling? Having PTSD from multiple abusive sexual experiences is very overwhelming for one to handle alone. You may need the guidance, experience and support of a professional to identify all the triggers that effect you and obtain the best coping skills that would work for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "Talking about it stops it from being a secret. It takes courage to have posted your question and that is the first step. Here is an article I wrote a few years back.http://abuseisnotasecret.com/why-abuse-is-not-your-fault/One day at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "I'm glad you're willing to keep optimistic about life improving and offering better relationships than some of the ones in which you greatly suffered.One suggestion is to develop patience with yourself and the process of regaining your willingness to trust other people.Sexual intimacy engages all of who we truly are. Being cautious as to who and how much you allow someone into your life, is natural for anyone recovering from trauma.Allow yourself to withdraw when situations feel dangerous. Your sense of danger is most likely on higher alert than had you not been victimized.Be attentive and cooperate with your own sense of readiness to engage in conversation, discussions and sex with your partner.Explain all this to your partner so the person can develop their own patience with your recuperation process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "I encourage you to seek out and work with a therapist who specializes in treating complex trauma. Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, and Internal Family Systems Therapy are all highly effective treatments for people dealing with complex trauma. If you are interested in reading a book that is supportive and compassionate, Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score is a wonderful book that discusses treatment options in depth."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend was abused as a child. Now, if I hug or touch her in any kind of way she says she feels as if she is being abused as a child. What might be going on?", "answerText": "Was your gf always this way with you or did her withdrawal develop suddenly?Also, are there any other changes going on between the two of you in terms of feeling relaxed and at ease with each other, enjoying each other?Its possible her physical withdrawal, due to her sensitive nature about who touches her and the meaning of touch, reflects an underlying emotional hesitation about her feelings toward you.This can be either strong positive or negative feelings.She may be fearful of becoming more intimately attached to you, and withdraws.She may be actually withdrawing and expresses herself through the amount of touch she wants from others.Best way forward as almost always in a relationship, is to have a gentle conversation to open up the tension between the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend was abused as a child. Now, if I hug or touch her in any kind of way she says she feels as if she is being abused as a child. What might be going on?", "answerText": "Thank you for your question. I think it's wonderful that you are approaching this with openness and curiosity. The reaction you are describing is extremely common in survivors of abuse. What you said is insightful...when you touch her \"she feels as if she is being abused as a child.\" From your description, I would agree that in those moments she is re-experiencing something that happened in the past as if it is happening right now. Re-experiencing orrelivingtraumatic experiences is a key symptom of PTSD.If you are seeking to better understand what is going on for her, I would highly recommend Bessel van der Kolk's bookthe Body Keeps the Score. This book also discusses effective treatments for overcoming trauma. Best of luck to both of you,Sarah"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "Suicide is not a natural way to pass from this Earth, so many times it can be EXTREMELY tough to deal with because of the \"unnatural-ness\" of the event. We may find ourselves feeling guilty that we did not see it or that we could've have done more or something to stop it, but often the fish in the fishbowl cannot see that which is closest to him. You are currently trying to numb your feelings, those feelings as nasty as they are, are meant to be felt, those feelings help us to process the event and also help us to pass through the situation. Your friend has a legacy, remember it, and honor that legacy everyday in some small or even grand way, perhaps committing or volunteering your time to help others in honor of your friend.Hope this helps, C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "First of all, I am very sorry for your loss, and I can understand the urge to drink and smoke to try and cope. As I'm sure you understand, alcohol and marijuana may take the edge off of the pain in the short run, but in the long run they may prevent you from being able to work through the thoughts and feelings that you have about the loss of your friend. Grieving is a process that is unique to each individual and each relationship that may involve difficult, confusing, and even contradictory seeming thoughts and feelings and a competent therapist can help you work through this process. It also may be useful for you to add other ways of coping, such as taking care of yourself through exercise, doing healthy activities that you love, and spending time with people that you love. Self care is often most difficult when we need it the most. Thank you for reaching out."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "I urge you to seek some therapeutic help for this, and also to connect with others who knew your friend, because they're likely feeling the same way. Suicide is difficult to understand, and those left behind have many mixed emotions that make their grief complicated and anguished. Your friend either had an impulse that no one could stop, or they made a big decision that impacted everyone around them. There are other things you can do to cope with this, and it has to do with accepting your powerlessness to stop it, not blaming yourself, forgiving your friend, and finding meaning in their life and yours. You won't find that meaning in a bottle or a joint. I hope you reach out soon. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "Suicide is a very traumatic loss and affects survivors significantly. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways. One way I recommend to deal with the loss of a loved one is to write letters to them. Some people like to keep the letters in a jar, maybe fill the jar with sand so the letters are buried. I recommend writing the letters as often as you need to. You will notice over time the need to write the letters will decrease and the intense feelings of loss will decrease. I also recommend finding a survivors support group in your area. You can find more information on www.afsp.org."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "Let me begin by offering my condolences for your loss. I can understand how difficult this time maybe for you especially if you have several unanswered the questions due to the circumstances surrounding the death of your friend. It's during this time, that you may experience the various stages of grief. This includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.In the bereavement process, there is so specific time frame or lengths of time for someone to work through each step. Its imperative to note that one mayexpress each stage with different levels of intensity. Also, the five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Just note that everyone greives differently, some internalize their feelings and emotions, others express it externally, while other avoid it all together.Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience. Sometimes we feel that no one understands what we are feeling or going through, much less comprehend our emotional state of mind . What's important, is that you allow others to comfort you through the various stages. My recommendation is to allow yourself to go through the emotions and feel the grief. Avoiding or resisting may only delay the healing process. Reaching the acceptance stage of mourning is a gift not not everyone is awarded, but seeking the help of a Grief counselor may assist in deciphering your emotions and set you on a more positive path to achieve closer."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry to hear about your recent loss. There is such a large feeling of uncertainty that befalls those of us left to sort through these emotions of such a loss, and it's never easy. I think it's important to remember that there is no \"right\" or \"wrong\" way to deal with loss and the \"best way\" for you may not be the best way for someone else. The fact that you are aware that you are smoking more marijuana and drinking more, and the fact that you can recognize that these may not be the best coping techniques, is a very good step towards giving yourself some better support at this time. Marijuana and drinking are type of coping techniques that can numb us to our emotions, but they do not really help us to work through those emotions.When it comes to grief, often one of the most helpful ways to move through the phases of grief is to use your social supports; talk to your friends and family, see your mutual friends and commiserate with each other on the loss and the uncertainty. The more we talk about our feelings, the more we are okay with them being ours. The more we express our loss, the better we become at accepting such a loss. In talking with your supports, you may also decide ways in which you may want to remember your friend; ways you can do so on a personal level (writing a poem, planting a tree, etc.) or ways you as a group can remember and memorialize them (a special day where you get together to share your memories, starting a charity, etc.)We never truly \"get over\" our losses, but we can learnt o accept the losses and what it means to us now...but that also takes time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "First I am so sorry for your loss. Most people go through the grieving process. I would get a better understanding of what that process is. Everyone has their own way of handling loss. You are taking the first step in realizing that you are having a difficult time coping with it. I would reach out to a therapist that has experience treatment patients with loss. I would also recognize that drinking and smoking are both substances that will not make depression or depressive thoughts any better."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.", "answerText": "Sorry that your growing up years in the family were so unsafe and painful.Everyone has family legacy patterns of behavior and ways of handling emotions, handed down to them simply by living.All of what any child observes and how they are treated within their family context, creates their foundational expectations of others.The best way of releasing yourself form hurtful interaction patterns is by being aware of your own feelings and intuition within close relationships.If you have a similar sense of hurt or that something is wrong, yet in a familiar way, then most likely you are in a relational pattern similar to the negative ones in your family of origin.This realization moment is your chance to more deeply see your own original trauma and try different ways of responding to these similar key situations.This type of work takes a lot of repeated effort because trauma is deep and childhood trauma is attached to loving ones parents.Expect slow progress and expect more than a few tears.If it feels overwhelming then a therapist for guidance and support would be very beneficial to the work you'd be doing within yourself.Sending lots of good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.", "answerText": "Hi New York, There's no way to keep your past from affecting your present and future, because it's a huge part of who we are. The GOOD news is, though, that the effect doesn't have to be negative. I'm met many people who have horrific pasts and it helps them know confidently, every day, what kind of person they want to be and what kind of world they want to live in, and it helps them make really great decisions. You can accept your past, integrate your traumas and move forward in a very different way.If you see negative ways in which your past affects you (and this is also common), you are wise to seek professional help. Without knowing more, it's impossible to give you a lot of direction here. Basically, our past creates emotional \"bruises\" that are touch on and triggered by present situations. But our reactions are often about more than just the present moment. I think you know that.I wish you the best as you sort it out."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.", "answerText": "I can imagine how incredibly difficult this must be for you. Having past traumatic experiences creap up on you without warning can be very scary and stressful. You may be suffering from symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting evaluated by a professional would be a good step to take next. By seeking treatment and having a therapist who you trust and can connect with, you will gain the ability to think about your experiences without it significantly interfering with your daily functioning. A therapist can also help you to develop new coping stragies to be used during recall of these experiences and help you to adopt healthy thought patterns. I would also recommend that you seek support from loved ones. Sometimes justtalkingabout your experiences andassociated feelings will alleviate someofthe emotional troublesyou are suffering from.Lastly, you may find meditation or mindfulness work to be of great benefit. Having the ability to live in the present moment should reduce the effects of your traumatic experiences interfering with recalling your past or looking forward to your future. I wish you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.", "answerText": "In general, our past is always somewhat alive and does inform our present experiences. All past experiences, both positive and negative are what have brought you where you are today, physically and emotionally. That being said, your father's behavior does not have to define you or your future. You have power over your life and your future. By learning more about yourself, you can learn to incorporate your past into your present life, without being defined by past traumas. The best way to grow and learn how to do this is to talk with someone about your experiences. By talking about your past and present struggles with a trusted confidante or helping professional you will hopefully learn how to be at peace with your past."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad beat and mentally abused me so badly that I can't function properly. Letting go of the past is important to moving on and getting better, but Im terrified to get better because I don't even know who I am without the trauma. I've never gotten to be myself. I don't even know who I am.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Getting to know yourself after a trauma (especially at the hands of a caregiver) and learning to trust yourself can feel terrifying. I would encourage you to seek out a trauma therapist who can work with you slowly and at your pace. You are not your trauma. You are good and you are whole. Please seek out the support of a therapist who sees that in you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have a terrible sex life after three years of dating, and I don't know what to do. I have this lingering fear of pain during sex after having two partners previously who weren't careful. How can I stop projecting this onto my current boyfriend?", "answerText": "Without knowing much about your situation, I would encourage you to seek out either a sex therapist who is trauma-informed or a trauma therapist who has knowledge about sexual concerns. Even consensual sex can be experienced as an intrusion if a partner was not careful or insensitive to your pain. It would be normal to have some difficulties with sex after such an incident."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "At a friend's house, we had some drinks and watched some television. He got up and went to bed. I felt sick. He came out to see if I was okay, and I said no. I said I wanted to go home, and he told me to come lay down. As I laid down on the bed, he started touching me. A friend called me, then I able to leave.", "answerText": "I am so sorry that this happened to you and am so glad that you were able to get away. Your body is yours and yours alone. I would highly recommend that you find a therapist who specializes in treating trauma in order to help you to heal from your ordeal."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was kidnapped at fourteen and raped at gunpoint. The guy got six months. When the same thing happened with two \"friends\" at nineteen, I didn't even report it.", "answerText": "Wow, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. My heart goes out to you. Please find a therapist who specializes in working with PTSD. Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing are all highly effective therapies for complex interpersonal trauma. If you are interested in reading about trauma from a compassionate and scientific perspective I highly recommend Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse. If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may \"know\" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a \"wall\" in your current relationship. The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse. Good for you!Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed. There are likely reminders(called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences. This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you. However, you likely feel as if you are not in control. The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitizationand Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship. I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship. With a good support network in place, healing is very possible."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "Thanks for sharing and asking for help. You mention that you're the one who ended the relationship in the past, yet are haunted by nightmares and flashbacks. Your comments here lead me to wonder that you may have experienced some form of trauma in this past relationship; and, if so, I would encourage you to additionally consider the whole of your story-line as it relates to trauma. Doing so will serve you well for your own peace-of-mind especially so in your current relationship. The best way to do all of this in a supportive fashion is to work with an experienced therapist who specializes in trauma-focused care. The therapist may, if indicated, wish to to incorporate EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which \"...is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Best wishes.Resource for Your Consideration:http://www.emdr.com/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have not had the opportunity to process through the trauma you have endured. It would help if you have the opportunity to speak with someone on a regular basis until the symptoms of your trauma have subsided."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "One thing you could try to do on your own is to focus on the partner who is in front of you now. If you are able to connect with them via touch or focusing on their tone of voice, that may help to center you. Tried to stay grounded and/or mindful. That is being aware of your position in the room, your feet on the floor, your hands in your lap, or your hips in the chair. Being mindful of the environment you are currently (for example, noticing what is around you) may be helpful. Try to use all your senses. For example, you could focus on hearing your husband's voice, feeling his hand in yours, being wrapped in your favorite blanket, seeing a comforting photo, using a comforting sense or candle, or tasting an apple that reminds you of times when you have enjoyed yourself in the kitchen.It also sounds like you are having a very specific reaction that could very well be related to trauma. I would recommend that you talk with a local mental health professional.Remember, just because it was the best decision of your life, that doesn't mean that what happened to you or in your presence automatically leaves you when you leave the relationship. Our brain is actually hardwired to remember things that have caused us pain or great emotional distress as a way of protecting us from them happening again. This is a very natural response and the reactions you have as far as nightmares and flashbacks are the past coming forward and your brain trying to make sense of it all."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "EMDR therapy has shown great results for work with PTSD symptoms which are similar to what you described. If you are unable to find a local EMDR specialist then I would suggest some meditation and journaling in addition to talk therapy to process your trauma. Your anxiety response centers int he brain are in hyper vigilance mode and retraining to turn down that response could be helpful for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "A lot of times when you're experiencing nightmares and flashbacks, it can be a sign that you haven't fully processed what happened. Our brains tend to replay scenes in our life that we wish had turned out differently or in an effort to desensitize us to it. If you are comfortable with it, you may want to consider sharing what you're experiencing with your current partner so that he is able to understand what's going on. Also, you may want to consider what parts of your past relationship you blame yourself for. This can be a difficult task to undertake on your own, and the help of the therapist may be necessary to sort through the memories in a safe way. Typically however, flashbacks and nightmares are a sign that the trauma of what you went through needs to be addressed. it's a great thing that you were able to have the courage to get out of that relationship and you should be proud of yourself for that. You may want to begin therapy to address these traumatic memories and help you to sort through any conflicting emotions you have about it (i.e. Feeling like it's your fault for not recognizing the abuse or getting out of the relationship sooner, blaming yourself for being \" The kind of person who gets into an abusive relationship \", or believing that you somehow caused your ex to abuse you in some way.) These types of beliefs and feelings can prevent us from moving past traumatic experiences and a trained therapist can certainly help you sort through them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "From what you describe about yourself, I agree with you that ending your former relationship was a very wise decision.The nightmares and flashbacks show that you were deeply affected emotionally and on the foundations of your basic nature.The way for these to stop is by the slow process of realizing how badly injured and frightened you were of your former partner.Once you've stabilized yourself by accepting the tremendous harshness that was part of the former relationship, then the nightmares and flashbacks will disappear gradually usually, maybe all at once.There is a possibility too that your former relationship connected with being emotionally ignored, abandoned, treated harshly during your time of growing up years.Since generally people choose partners who relate similarly to the ways in which they felt treated by parents, it is possible that you had been badly treated while growing up and weren't aware of this until going through this terrible relationship.Congratulations on ending your relationship!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "Your challenge is called \"co-dependency.\" People seek approval from others in an obsessive way when they are failing to truly accept themselves. I encourage you to truly love yourself and know that you have every right to every sensation, emotion, thought, and inspiration that you may have. Best of luck on your journey."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was a victim of an incident. I've been made fun of and have been beating myself up for it because I don't feel anyone honestly believes me. There are so many other factors I deal with on a daily basis. I ignore my problems when I'm with my friends, but its scary when Im alone.", "answerText": "As you seemed to have learned, the impact will not just \"go away\". Treatment of trauma is like surgery, it requires a skillful clinician to help resolve it. While you are contemplating getting help, you can focus on calming techniques like meditation and yoga. They will aid you when you begin the therapeutic process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was a victim of an incident. I've been made fun of and have been beating myself up for it because I don't feel anyone honestly believes me. There are so many other factors I deal with on a daily basis. I ignore my problems when I'm with my friends, but its scary when Im alone.", "answerText": "I'm glad you have some time when you're not thinking about your trauma when you're with your friends.As far as feeling scared when you are alone, I'm not sure if you are referring to having flashbacks or thoughts on what happened to you or reminders in the environment around you or something else.One thing that might help is to find a bead or a rock that is smooth that you can hold onto or rub against your hand or fingers. Think of a time when you felt safe, comfortable, happy basically a positive and safe moment while holding onto the rock. Then, when you have scary thoughts, you can hold on to the rock and remember the happier place. Try to associate as many happy and safe moments with the rock as you can."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know I was molested as a child, but I have no memory of it.", "answerText": "I'm not sure that I have the answer to your question, but I can tell you that it would be helpful to talk with a certified hypnotist. There are a list of them here:http://www.natboard.com/index_files/Page548.htm. You also may want to talk to someone who specializes in EMDR. This stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and it is a specific trauma treatment. I am not trained in this particular method, but my understanding is that it does not require a lot of knowledge of the origin of the trauma before being started."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.", "answerText": "Have you sought the support of a therapist really qualified in working through sexual trauma? It can take some work, but healing is possible. If you feel able to, it may also help to open a dialogue with your boyfriend about what you need from him when you have these flashbacks. Let him know what some helpful responses may be."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.", "answerText": "Sexual intimacy can be very triggering for survivors even when it is both wanted and consensual. You may want to consider seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma to work through the abuse if you have not already done so. Often times triggers still hold such a powerful effect when the emotions related to the abuse have not been fully processed. In the meantime, you may want to consider coming up with a Safe Word to let your partner know that you are being triggered or to communicate your physical boundaries to him. Often times, the experience of communicating your physical boundaries to your partner, having those boundaries respected and validated, and having a partner who is understanding and willing to engage in intimacy in such a way that does not violate your physical boundaries can reinforce a sense of safety with him."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?", "answerText": "When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?", "answerText": "I will not say that you can't but I will say it will be much harder and the time may take much longer. Getting help and having someone to be there with you through the ups and down of PTSD makes the journey much easier."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.", "answerText": "It's important to know that there are counselors who are trained in working with survivors of trauma and you can get help. The \"blur\" in your memories is your brain's attempt to protect you from the experiences in your past. To recover them can be a slow process done by a trained professional that you trust. When you are ready and feel safe, those memories can be recovered and can be integrated with other memories. This will help to lessen the potency of the memory, help to make sense of what has happened, and allow you to begin the healing process. Check into therapist who are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.", "answerText": "Sorry to hear of having witnessed violence within your family when you were very young.Your blocked memories are a self-protection from the enormous emotional pain and feeling de-stabilized by realizing that the people whom you expected to trust, are harmful.Already you are at the first step, which is to know that memories exist about the disturbing events concerning your brother.Probably the best way of finding your way back to those times, is by paying attention to all of who you are today.The more intently and with loving interest you are able to notice yourself, you will be gradually dissolving the layers of protective thoughts about intimacy being unsafe.Basically, you will be teaching yourself how to slowly trust yourself.Since trust is what was violated while you were young, you will be developing a new model for trusting yourself and others.Then, more of the memories of your painful and overwhelming times will make themselves available to you.They are simply waiting for you to be strong and trusting enough within yourself, to tolerate them!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My suppose-to-be father told me to go find my real dad. We haven't been getting along since I was a teenager. If I said one thing that he thought was wrong, I always got degraded. He never said I love you. He never gave us hugs. Hes always called me horrible names. I feel he's an evil man with no feelings.", "answerText": "Hi Louisiana, You got it right...he's \"supposed to be\" your father. It's tough enough being adopted (unless I'm reading it wrong, I think you're adopted); what you don't need is to be verbally abused by someone who's supposed to love and protect you. I don't know how old you are (past teen years though), or where your mom is, but I bet there are other people in your life who treat you differently. It's your right to spend your time with the people who love you properly. That's a really important part of learning how to be happy...carefully choosing who's going to be in your life. It's tricky to put emotional distance between you and your supposed-to-be father, but it's possible...physical distance (avoid him if you don't trust you'll be treated with respect), and emotional distance (feeling less connected to and affected by his relationship disability). I think you're already doing that part because you don't blame yourself for his words, which is wonderful. I don't know if he's evil (although I believe evil exists), but he may be incapable of loving properly, or lacking empathy, as you suggest.A good therapist can support you in these goals. I wish you the best in your growth as an independent adult. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend is seeking therapy. He is in his 40s and has some childhood issues. He has kids from his previous ex-wife and is unable to see them.", "answerText": "Probably the more important questions to answer concern how much confidence you have in you and your boyfriend becoming parents, how you each feel about the influence of his being banned from seeing his current children, and be clear about the circumstances that led up to the decision of him not being permitted to see his kids.Don't allow some random professional to pronounce your boyfriend as cured. A relatively qualified therapist would never make this call.Psychological and emotional tensions emerge from our relationships within families. You and your boyfriend are in a position to set a strong foundation for having children, assuming each of you wants children.Childhood issues, your boyfriend's, anyone's, are more likely to go away when new patterns of interacting emerge.If the two of you are engaged in setting a secure relationship as future parents, the disappointments and hurt from the very early years, will be replaced by better ways of interacting."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "An organization admitted to implanting thoughts in my head with technologies. The study was to implant a fantasy other people are having, but to me, it's a nightmare. I lost my kids, my job, and all that. I was an unwilling participant. I no longer trust a therapist. I'm too afraid to go under hypnosis or anything.", "answerText": "Given your experience of being imposed upon against your will, and all the personal and professional loss that has come since, your fear of what will happen if you undergo treatment and trust a therapist is understandable. There is no technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away or be reversed, however, there are things that you can do which may help you to change your relationship to the thoughts and to the distress that they cause. I understand that working with a therapist sounds risky, given your experiences, and at the same time a good therapist may be a beneficial resource in helping you deal with the intrusive thoughts, cope with and alleviate the stress that they create, and perhaps even lead to the alleviation of the thoughts themselves. A therapist may also be able to help you discover strategies to work towards any goals you have around reconnecting with your children and working again. If therapy feels too unsafe at the moment, I would recommend looking into workbooks on how to deal with intrusive thoughts and coping with stress. Some popular approaches that you may want to look into are mindfulness techniques, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You may even be able to find some of these resources at a library, if affordability is an obstacle."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I did some horrible sexual things as a kid and I regret everything. Can someone help me cope with myself? Can someone help me remember my past?", "answerText": "I'm very sorry to hear this. Hypnosis can be a valuable tool that a trained therapist can use to bring back suppressed memories. However, keep in mind that hypnosis doesn't work for everyone.I think regardless, speaking with a therapist about your sexual issues would be beneficial. It seems like you have experienced some painful experiences in the past and may need help dealing with them in order to move forward.In addition, if past memories do resurface a trained therapist will be able to help you cope with them as they arise.I wish you the best of luck and I hope you receive the treatment that you deserve."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.", "answerText": "Im glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are going though sounds overwhelming and exhausting. Here is a link that talks about the signs of an abuse relationship if you are questioning whether or not you are experiencing an abusive relationshiphttps://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htmThis maybe a lot of information to take in so if you feel overwhelmed I would encourage you to talk to a therapist. Also every state has a domestic non-profit that can assist you with support or resources. If you are struggling to find one in your area I can help you. They can help you safety plan and give additional information that might be of assistance. In abusive relationships, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change your partners behavior. It is up to her to make that decision. A lot of time in abusive relationships asserting your boundaries can put you at risk for more abuse. I would encourage you to use your gut in this situation because you know your relationship better then anyone else. The best thing for you to do is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. I would encourage against couples counseling because it can also become unsafe in an abusive relationship. You are making a big step in looking for help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.", "answerText": "Ultimately it is only your partner who can decide whether to stop name calling or not.I would take very seriously that she doesn't show any willingness to hear and understand your point of view.In a relationship in which one person claims the right to verbally abuse the other, there isn't much genuine care and trust going on at all.It is never safe to open your heart to her since you can't tell in advance if you'll be treated with kindness or bashing.Think seriously how possible it is for you to enjoy your relationship if your partner is unwilling to accommodate your feelings.If the two of you are unable to agree on terms or discuss the problem as a mutual one, not just your problem, then you may wish to withdraw from the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.", "answerText": "One thing you could try is to talk to your partner when she's not angry about the following:If she's angry, maybe she can talk with you about what she is angry about rather than calling you names.If she gets angry and then calms down a little while later, maybe one of you can take a timeout in the discussion and set a time when you will come back to it.Discuss what it is that you find acceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what it is that you find unacceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what is acceptable for her to do during an argumentDiscuss what is on acceptable for her to do during an argumentYour partner can answer the same questions related to herself and you.I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have this discussion when there is not an argument going on. Perhaps you could mention that you would like to talk about something that is really important and see if the current time is a good time. If not, consider when in the next 24 to 48 hours would be a good time.It may also be helpful to discuss these ideas with a local therapist. The therapist may also be able to help both of you figure out where the anger is coming from and where she has learned to react this way.If it is abuse, it may be even more difficult to have these important discussions. It may be helpful for you to see a local therapist by yourself to assess things like physical and emotional safety."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My friends husband is bipolar and refuses to take medication for it. He has taken the wheels off her vehicle before to prevent her from leaving. He has held her a prisoner in her home. He has choked her, hit her, etc. She has almost divorced him a couple of times but always makes up with him, thinking that he is going to change. She and I went to a wedding out of town in September of 2014, and ever since she has been back, he is convinced that she cheated on him while we were gone. Now he is saying that I have also cheated on my boyfriend and has come to my house and told my boyfriend this.", "answerText": "Im glad that you are seeking help and that you are supporting your friend. Im sure this is all overwhelming and frustrating for you. The biggest thing you can do for your friend is to be supportive as you are already doing. Unfortunately there isnt much you can do for her outside of that because it is up to her husband to change and up to your friend if she wants to leave. There are things you can do to support more: it might be helpful for her to have some information on a domestic violence non profit in her area because they can assist her in many areas if she wants to leave. They can also provide you with support while you go through this with her. The nonprofit can also safety plan with her and it might be helpful for you to do it with her if you want to. Another thing you can do is support her in decision to stay with her husband or not despite what she decides. Many victims decide to stay with thier abusive partner for many reasons. It is important to support her decisions, even if you dont agree with them, because she may have very little decision making in her relationship. I would also encourage you to make sure you are taking care of yourself while you support her so you are not becoming too overwhelmed.Here is some info that might be helpful to you.https://abuseintervention.org/sandbox77/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/How-to-Help-a-Loved-One.pdf"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have an emotionally abusive relationship. We have been together for a year and a half. He got out of prison exactly a year ago and a half ago, and we have a infant. I love my boyfriend, and I don't want to leave without fighting for this first. He's an emotionally disconnected person. We never say I love you to each other. Every fight is worse than the last one, and I don't know what to do. He doesn't let me speak because he's louder than me, and that makes me feel frustrated. I have another problem: English is my second language. I pay half of the bills, and every time I want to speak to him, he kicks me out of the house. He apologizes sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this. He agreed to have counseling.", "answerText": "Im glad that you are reaching out for help. All of this sounds overwhelming and confusing. All of what you discribed is common in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, there isnt anything you can do that will change his behavior. He has to make that decision for himself. It is difficult for abusers to do this because they have to admit that thier behavior is fully thier responsibility. Abusers, a lot of times, will say theyre sorry or make promises to change and then turn around and become abusive again. I would strongly discourage any couples counseling because in an abusive relationship this can become very dangerous for the victim. Individual therapy for both of you you be a safer rout. I would also encourage you to reach out to a domestic violence non profit near you because they can help you safety plan and provide counseling if you want it. Here is some information on the cycle of violence that might be helpful for you http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfI hope you are safe and I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and throughout my entire life, I've never really had good parents, or parents at all for that matter. I'm not exaggerating. I was living with my mom and grandparents until my father, in prison for most of my life, got out when I was in middle school. His mom, my grandma, only lived a mile down the road from my moms house, and I was so awe-stricken with my dad that I got to stay with him for a long time. Meanwhile, I did not realize that my mom was doing hardcore drugs. My mom went to prison for that and lost her caf. We live in a very small town, so everyone knew about it, and I was bullied because of who my parents were. My dad ended up getting in with the wrong people and went back to prison. My mom and him had a mutual friend and often hung out at that persons house. My parents did not get along at this point. We were driving him home one day from this house, and my mom stopped the car and kicked him out. He got out of the car, went to the drivers side, and punched my mom in the face. I got out and told him not to hit my mom. At that point, I was really scared and mad that he did that, so I ran towards him to stop him. He literally picked me up and threw me on the back of a gravel road. I couldn't even walk. My mom tried to help me, but he started choking her. I hobbled over, and she barely got into the car, and we quickly drove away and called the police and ambulance. He was so badly strung out on drugs. He went to prison again and seems to be doing well. I met up with him once with my grandma, and we had coffee, but he's so hard to handle. I think a lot of it is that I can't bring myself to forgive him. My mom went back to prison again for drugs, and while she was in there, I moved in with my dads mom (the one who lived just down the road) because I trust her, her house is stable, and she's more nurturing, understanding, and loving then my other grandparents. I also stay at my boyfriends a lot. Now that my mom is out of prison, she's trying to control every aspect of my life. Shes trying to make me move back home out of Susan's house, and I don't want to. I don't like it there. They condone drug abuse and many other things, and I'm just not comfortable. She's even threatened to call the police and say I'm a runaway because she has custody of me. My boyfriend has always had this picture-perfect life, and his family are strict Christians. One time, his mom even went as far as to say that if he and I break up, if we were having sex, I would say that he raped me. I've got so many problems I don't even know what to do.", "answerText": "Thank you for reaching out and I can see that this is getting to the point that it is becoming overwhelming with all that is going on. To address your question, the best answer is that it will take time and from what I read you are still living through it , so your feelings are perfectly normal for the situation. I get the impression that you really need someone to process through all that you have been through and unfortunately getting adequate feedback would best be done meeting one on one with a therapist vs. through a question answer forum. If you are currently in school you could see about meeting with a school therapist or if you are over the age of 15, in most states you can consent to your own therapy. If you choose not to meet with a therapist I would encourage you to call a crisis hotline to help you safety plan to keep yourself safe around your parents 1-800-273-8255 If you chose to meet with a therapist keep in mind that a lot of what you experienced can be reported to Family protective services since you are a minor. You can also choose to make a report if you are feeling unsafe with your parents.Im glad to hear that you have your grandmother for support. Im sure this is a lot to take in and I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.", "answerText": "Im sorry you are experiencing this and Im glad that you are looking for help and support. Im not sure of all the details so take from answer what you can. If you are feeling unsafe or scared in your relationship please know that there are non profit domestic violence services that can help and provide you some more support. They can also safely plan with you if you choose to leave. It seems that you might be feeling defeated and if thats the case a lot of domestic violence non profits provide free counseling if you are needing to talk to someone. What you are going through can be overwhelming and your are taking the right steps toward healing"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.", "answerText": "Good for you on recognizing your own feelings. Often in an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused, starts doubting themselves and starts tolerating, then accepting abuse.Marriage is based in love and feeling taken care of by the partner. Feeling scared is the opposite of this.If you feel ready, tell him the way you feel and pay attention to how willing your husband is to being aware that he yells and that you feel scared.If he has no idea of what you're talking about, doesn't want to understand what you feel, then slowly take steps to understand within yourself whether or not tolerating your husband's behavior is acceptable to live with on an everyday basis."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My kids dad and I broke up two years ago. He still wants me back, and I just started to fall for him again. But our kids are with Child Protective Services: thats why we broke up. He started to talk to other women, and he put his hands on me.", "answerText": "What you are experiencing is common with survivors of abusive relationships. Even abusive relationships have positive moments in them and typically for survivors those are things they still love and care about of the abuser. A lot of it could also be grief over the loss of the relationship and also your children. A lot of time people return to thier abuser because thats the only support that they have. If this is something you are going through I would encourage you to seek out a domestic violence non profit in your area because they can provide you with additional support. I dont know the whole situation but keep in mind that abusers will make promises and say what they think the other person wants to hear to get them to return. Attached is an example of what I am talking about:http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfBased on what you decide I would encourage you to keep caution and boundaries. It might be helpful to safety plan with a domestic violence non profit."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in college currently, so I am not a direct victim anymore. My father is very abusive with his words and actions, and my siblings are getting treated horribly.", "answerText": "Yes you can help! Emotional and verbal abuse can cause a negative impact in your family. It is important that you encourage your siblings to seek assistance with a therapist, and maybe help them find one, they should have school counselors available and if not our college counselor may help you to get referrals. Its also a good idea to talk to your mom about the issue and ask her if she would like help as well. If you are concerned about your siblings' safety, contact Family Protective Services in your state, they will investigate and refer your father to classes or therapy as needed. It takes courage to do the right thing, you can do this!Hay algo que pueda hacer para ayudar a mis hermanos a escapar de nuestro emocionalmente abusivo padre?Actualmente estoy en la universidad, as que no soy victima directamente. Mi padre es muy abusivo con sus palabras y acciones, y trata a mis hermanos horriblemente.Tu si puedes ayudar! El abuso emocional y verbal puede causar daos graves en la familia. Es importante que motives a tus hermanos a visitar e incluso encontrar a un terapista, la escuela debe tener uno disponible, y tambin puedes pedirle referidos a tu Consejero universitario. Tambin es buena idea que hables con tu mama al respecto y le preguntes si a ella le gustara buscar ayuda. Si te preocupa la seguridad de tus hermanos, contacta a el Departamento de Proteccin a la Familia en tu estado para reportar el abuso. Ellos investigaran y determinaran si el hogar es un ambiente seguro par tus hermanos y recomendaran terapia o clases para tu papa. Hay que ser valiente para hacer lo correcto, t puedes hacerlo!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.", "answerText": "Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be \"over\" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counselingat this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up \"sleepy hygiene\" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search \"Nightmare re-scripting\" or \"Nightmare Exposure\" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests.", "answerText": "It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission. There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however. For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board. The boardwill then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together.", "answerText": "Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask \"Should we call it quits?\". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together.The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength.It's called \"learned helplessness\". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you.You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse.This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child.I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. Throughout the entire first day that we met, he and I had the opportunity to interact quite a lot and instantly sparked a deep connection with one another. That same night, he and a friend stayed over at my house (without my mom's acknowledgment) and we kissed. The next two days were a repetition of the first day. On the third night, my mother finally caught us, and I was kicked out of my house. I left with him of course, and we went from meeting each other to being like a married couple. It was very hard for us. His stepdad also kicked him out of his home, and we were staying at cheap hotels and friend's houses with the little money we had. I quit my job and dropped out of school because it was hard to do anything without a stable home. There were times when we had nowhere else to go but sleep in the car outside a Walmart parking lot. Our honeymoon stage, as they call it, probably only lasted one month. After that, it was a downward spiral. We were constantly arguing about money, food, and our families. We kept having the famous \"you're doing it wrongdo it this way\" argument. After six months, we moved across the country only to live the same thing, and that's when the violence started. One afternoon, after a serious argument, he got into his truck and threatened to leave me. I was frightened that he would actually go through with his word, given that we had just moved to a place where we knew no one. He told me to let him leave or he would hit me. He had once promised he would never touch me, so I challenged him to do it. He slapped me, and ever since that time, when we have serious fights, he loses control and hurts me. I haven't had the courage to leave him, and there's really nothing stopping me now. I don't live with him, I don't depend on him, and we don't have children. We both haven't been able to let go of that deep connection that we still have and that has been damaged so badly. He always apologizes, and at the beginning, he was more willing to change. Now he just wants me to understand why he does it and how I don't ever make the effort to try to be okay. I've read enough about domestic violence to know that it's not my fault that he loses control, so that's not even an issue for me. I know he has to change that on his own. I just want to know if there's people who have gone through this and had the tables turned? Is there hope for a better future together?", "answerText": "Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for?Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much.I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because Ive never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think Im about to lose her, if I already havent. I throw things at her when Im angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I dont want to lose her, and I dont want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.", "answerText": "Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't \"hit her enough to cause harm\"?), but you're headed in the right direction.I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants.This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because Ive never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think Im about to lose her, if I already havent. I throw things at her when Im angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I dont want to lose her, and I dont want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.", "answerText": "Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptiveways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work rightaway. Deep breathing takes practice!Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He cheated on me and the woman is now pregnant. He is physically and mentally abusive towards me. I have attempted to talk with him in order to resolve our issues; however, he never wants to talk and often blames me for everything. Im always there when he needs my help. He tells me although I help him doesnt mean that I am a good person. He always discredits me as a woman and its hurtful. I spend most day crying and feeling lonely. I am unhappy and unsure of what I need to do.", "answerText": "That sounds like a very hurtful situation. Unfortunately, without a batterers intervention course or a desire to change, the abuse cycle is unlikely to stop. I do not recommend that you try to leave on your own due that being the most dangerous time when in an abusive relationship. As an abuser, his goal is to control you whether it's through mental or verbal means. I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing, transportation, and any other needed resources to women leaving an abusive relationship. There is help out there and you are not alone. If you need any additional resources in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a child with my baby mother. She works I take care of our young son. She says she is not cheating I have not found anything but she always putting me down, telling me to get out and telling me she doesn't love me, but then the next day after our fight she says she does. I'm having a hard time because before our child she said she was raped by a family member but she never went to the hospital or the cops. Now me and my family don't talk. She's always telling me I'm annoying and just belittles me. Nothing I do is right. She says I work you watch the baby. On her days off she never cooks or cleans. I have no friends or family and a couple months ago she was confiding to some guy, but says he's not any thing to her. What do I do? I don't want to leave.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are in a tough situation. You have to ask yourself why you don't want to leave her. Is it because of the child? Or is it because you want the relationship to work? You must consider that being in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your child. So if the abuse continues, it would be more beneficial for you and your child to move out.On the other hand, if you are just wanting the relationship to work out despite its current state, you need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems as though you are very unhappy and undervalued in this relationship. Although your question revealed just a short bit of information, I didn't read about any positives in the relationship.Sometimes it's extremely hard to leave a relationship even though you know that the relationship itself is harmful for you. However, with time and focus you can do it. Each day will get a little easier and you have to trust yourself that you are making the right situation for you and your child.However, if you really feel that you want to stay in the relationship, you have to be upfront with her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and give her specific examples of how she is hurting you. This gives her a chance to render the situation. If after this there is no improvement, I suggest that you start reconsidering your decision to stay.I also think it would be valuable for you to start engaging in things outside of the home that make you happy. Are there any hobbies you enjoy? Are there any groups in the area that you can join such as playgroups that will allow you to engage with other parents? Start looking into these options and finding an avenue for you to do something for your own benefit.It is certainly not healthy for you to isolate yourself from friends and family. You need to have additional support networks besides the one with your girlfriend, especially since this has not been a healthy environment lately.Thank you for reaching out. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive known my boyfriend for several years. We were friends for a long time. In 2013 we started a relationship, and he even asked me to move in with him since I lived out of state. I planned to move in with him in 2014 after I finished school and he found a job. However, during this time we had a few arguments and broke up with each other for a short period of time. We decided later to make it work. Shortly after, I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted to tell him during his next visit. However, he never came to see me and instead asked me for money. After I gave him money, he quit answering my phone calls and texts. Soon after, I experienced a miscarriage. I texted him about what had happened, and he didnt seem to care. I was extremely hurt by this. I still decided to move back as I had originally planned. He helped me with the move and replaced the money I had lent him. During this time, I asked if he wanted to be in this relationship because I needed to know. Although he says he did, I hardly ever see him. He never got a job, which was in the original plan. After that, we both started seeing other people for a short amount of time but once again got back together. Once we got back together, I cut all ties with the former relationship I had been in. I thought he had too. But I found out that he did not attempt to do as I did and was still talking with another woman. In fact, he had even sent inappropriate pictures to her. When I confronted him about this, he wasnt apologetic. He said that he only did it to get even with me and was actually mad at me for looking through his phone. He even closed his car window on my finger and tried to throw me out of his car. I dont know what to do.", "answerText": "There are plenty of red flags that you have been presented with:Several breakupsNot holding up his end of the bargain regarding workLack of empathy for your miscarriageLying about his involvement with another womanPhysical violence, which is of most concern.This seems to be a very unhealthy relationship. In my experience, relationships such as these rarely become positive ones. Violence is never okay and regardless of his reasoning (you looking through his phone), it is indefensible. You have to look at these red flags and ask yourself, Is this really someone I want to marry? Is he an asset to my life? I think youll realize he is not.Best of luck to you and please know that you deserve someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Now I have anger and trust issues. How can I treat this and fix myself?", "answerText": "I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this. However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware.There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with sexual abuse. Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas. That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue.The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past. Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you. Angry? Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you. Having trouble trusting? Of course! The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.", "answerText": "Death of someone with whom we had fond involvement, is sad. Accepting that a person is permanently gone from this earth, is unsettling and can feel painful.That you had no current contact with this person doesn't exclude the meaning or feelings from within your relationship with this person. Relationships don't require a time measurement in order to affect us. Your question acknowledges the process of adjusting to life without the chance to see or hear from this person again.It is normal to grieve so be gentle and not critical of yourself when you feel yourself missing this person."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.", "answerText": "Meditation may be able to assist you in dealing and looking at your anger differently. Anger is not usually just anger. Behind our anger may lie rejection, grief, loneliness, a longing to reconnect, etc. When we ignore or repress our anger, we are always ignoring these other emotions as well.Meditation is the midpoint between expressing and repressing anger. It allows us a space to stay present with it as it arises and recognize the many faces of anger. By doing this, we are able to become aware of our feelings to learn more about them and not be swept away by them.Learn more here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/26/meditate-to-manage-anger"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.", "answerText": "Awareness is the first step. Now that you know that you snap and push people away, you can look into ways to control your anger. If you give yourself the time to analyze why you experience anger, you will discover that there are other feelings underneath; shame, frustration, disappointment, and fear are some of the feelings that we cover with anger when we are not ready to deal with them or dont know how to express them. So next time you feel angry, even if you snap (with practice you will be able to identify them ahead of time), identify why you are angry, and try to express it out loud. A therapist can help you to learn assertive communication skill using examples drawn from your daily experiences.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Cmo puedo controlarme y a mi coraje?Exploto fcilmente y alejo a las personas. Necesito ayudo antes de hacer que mi novio se aleje.Tener conciencia de la situacin es el primer paso. Ahora que sabes que explotas y alejas a las personas, puedes buscar maneras de controlar tu enojo. Si te das tiempo para analizar porque te da coraje, descubrirs que hay otras emociones escondidas, la vergenza, la frustracin, la decepcin y el miedo son algunas de las emociones que cubrimos con coraje cuando no estamos listos para revelarlas, procesarlas o expresarlas. As que la prxima vez que ests a punto de explotar, o cuando ya hayas explotado (con la practica uno aprende a identificarlas de antemano), identifica por que estas enojada e intenta expresarlo en voz alta. Un consejero te puede ayudar aprender tcnicas de comunicacin asertiva usando ejemplos de tu vida cotidiana.Si te gustara hacer terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.", "answerText": "You must be feeling frustrated about how to resolve this. Some people seem to really provoke emotional responses in us. One thing to learn for a quick review of yourself when you are provoked is to pay attention to your body.Notice your heart rate, fists clenched, some warmth going through your body and these are signs that the interaction is toxic for you. Move out of the room, say something calling to both of you and let things simmer down before responding.When you are able to calm your body, think of ways to bring the issue to her attention using positive words but holding your ground. If she doesn't listen ask someone to come with you to talk to her about it, If she still won't listen, reassess your expectations of her.Finally if you need to , you may have to consider changing the status of your rooming together."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.", "answerText": "Must you keep this roommate in your life?If you've tried speaking with the person about your unhappiness to feel angry \"all the time\" , the problem has been going on for an extended amount of time and nothing changes, then the next step would be for both of you to part ways.It is possible each of you triggers the other in very deep and irrational ways on occasion.If the choice is to tolerate being triggered or to dissolve the relationship, then your decision is which of these two choices is better for you.Since you already know you don't like to be triggered, parting ways as soon as reasonably possible, seems the choice you prefer.Either choice is fine. Let the decision depend on which way makes you feel life is livable and happy!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.", "answerText": "Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.", "answerText": "Well, yes, of course it scares them. They see someone they love behaving is frightening ways. That's a good reason to want to manage your emotions differently...but what are your thoughts on your anger? Do you think your angry feelings justify lashing out?The thing is that feeling angry is just that...feeling. Acting out is behavior and that affects everyone around you. Do you need to manage your behavior, as well as your feelings? My guess is that you do.First you need to pay better attention to your feelings \"thermostat\". If you are always near \"boiling\" you don't have much margin for error. It's in your best interest, and that of your family, to bring that temperature down. That may mean more physical activity, meditation, journaling or some other outlet.The next, and bigger, question is what are you so mad about? Or are you really sad, scared, confused? Anger is a secondary emotion, much like pneumonia is a secondary infection. Anger, which sets us up to defend ourselves against a perceived danger, is often a cover for feelings that leave us more vulnerable. That means people who are grieving may exhibit rage; people who are scared may lash out.That doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it might explain it. Get in t o see a therapist ASAP. You need a bit of help to identify both anger triggers and underlying feelings that get played out as anger. You are not a bad person for exhibiting emotions, but anger can quickly become destructive - get help now!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.", "answerText": "Yes you can.. If you cannot control your temper, who can? You have more power of your emotions, thoughts and feeling than you are giving yourself credit for. If this is scaring your wife and child, you need to get control of it immediately. Try going to an anger management class. It will help to discover what is the root cause of your anger, what triggers it and how you can control/manage it. If you can't go to a class, try self help books or even better yet counseling and support of a professional counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?", "answerText": "Anger does have its place. When anger is experienced often or the magnitude of it does not fit the scenario, such as your losing comb, the question becomes, what does losing that comb mean to you? In the very split second that you have realized the comb is missing, there is a reaction that occurs within you, accompanied by an image or thought that like lightening flashes so quickly that you may not be aware what it is. As Sherry noted below, awareness. Awareness is fundamental. Becoming aware of ourselves and what is happening internal that sparks it off. The next time you feel angry from a \"small thing\", stop and ask yourself, why am I angry that this is lost? Find out what you are thinking or how you are speaking to yourself. You will become aware and once you are aware, steps can be taken to alter the experience for the better. A professional can assist with that!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?", "answerText": "I don't like the word \"problem\". It is such a strong word. However I would say that you have an issue that needs to be addressed and controlled before it directed at the wrong person and gets totally out of control. I have found that anger management classes has been helpful for my clients. Try and see if it will help. You will be surprised at what you learn about your self."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?", "answerText": "Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem.Your answer to the question is what matters.Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past.Be aware, consider, reflect on how you usually handle feeling angry. Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call \"little things\" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand.Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.", "answerText": "You shouldn't need to educate yourself on violent outbursts. He is the one in the position to change his violent outbursts. They are his behavior, not yours. All you're trying to do is have a relationship with this guy.The one task to do is during a quiet time to tell your boyfriend the way you feel about his outbursts.His answer, whether he denies having a problem, blames you for his problem, tells you the problem isn't so bad, why are you complaining, tells you a lot about his willingness to change.Whether or not he considers himself to have a problem and wants to change himself, is very good for you to know.This tells you what to expect from him in future. You can reflect and plan ahead for your own life depending on your tolerance and willingness to live with what he answers you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.", "answerText": "First, let me extend my compassion to both of you -- it sounds like you have a lot on your plates. Childhood trauma carries its negative effects into our adulthood and affects everyone who loves us.Your question is brief, so I'll just try to give general answers as best I can. From my experiences treating many people with your boyfriend's experiences, the short, healthy answer is that you can't fix the situation and maybe not even be able to help. He needs a professional. Period.What you cando, is take care of yourself. With his background, it is not likely that he will be able to help you or take care of you in a healthy way. Your task needs to prioritize your own safety and well-being. Trauma and substance abuse are the definition of being out of control, unable to set and manage appropriate boundaries, manage his own emotions and behaviors. So your boyfriend is unlikely to be able to change in the near-term, certainly not without professional help. You might also benefit from help and support, to understand your own role in your relationship and how you can make changes in your life. I am NOT blaming you for any aspect of your boyfriend's behavior, only acknowledging that there are two people in every relationship. If you have accepted your boyfriend's drinking and violent outbursts in the past (by staying in the relationship), that is likely to perpetuate his behavior. And there isn't any way to \"handle violent outbursts.\" They shouldn't be handled at all, and if you have to be away from your boyfriend during his outbursts in order to be emotionally and physically safe, then that may be what you will have to do.We can never really change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes our behavior changes the odds of another person's behaviors, but it doesn't control it. I would recommend that you work with a professional to first, ensure your own safety above all. Then make decisions about what behavior you are willing to accept or be connected to, and which you want to separate from. Whatever your boyfriend does in his life, you will be happier if you manage your own feelings, set boundaries, etc. Let me say again that you also would benefit from some good insight and support as you continue your journey.Wishing you and your boyfriend healing and recovery."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Any time things get heated, the past gets brought up. I raise my voice at her to try to get a point across. She asks open-ended questions but always has to turn my own answer against me. She's seven months pregnant. I have drank in the past, but I'm not dependent on alcoholI only drink at social events.", "answerText": "Have you tried to talk about the subjects of the past, in the present at a time in which there is no heat between the two of you?Since your gf would like to resolve situations from the past the best way to do so would be to talk about them. The more you try to avoid certain subjects the more likely they will come up between you at worse possible moments.If you can get ahead of the pattern of old topics coming up without your control, then try scheduling a discussion about them. This by itself will show your gf you care about what she cares about and this may be one quality she would feel good about."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room.", "answerText": "Sounds scary to watch. I agree with you!Maybe he felt so overwhelmed by anger, hurt and frustration that he went back to an old behavior from his past in which someone hit him for having strong emotions.Now that the incident is past, bring up the topic to him so the two of you can discuss it.Just the fact of you having empathy and caring what he was feeling at the time, may be restorative to him.At the very least, you may find out exactly what the answer is to your question as to why he did this in the first place!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Everything just makes me upset.", "answerText": "Anger often comes with a lot of other emotions. Consider what else you may be feeling at the same time and keep track of your different mood changes. You may be able to notice patterns, such as being more frustrated when you don't sleep well. If you do feel as though you are mad all the time, can you think of any exceptions so you can see what is different in those times?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get really mad easily at my parents and family.", "answerText": "Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. If you are angry and you can talk about your feelings, that would be very helpful. Anger usually comes along with something else, like feeling sad, worried, overwhelmed, confused, and many others. Consider looking at what you notice in addition to anger and you may have a different starting point. If you get along well with friends and don't get angry with them, look at the differences. Do you feel criticized by your parents or family? Misunderstood? There could be any number of things.I wonder if you start getting angry very slowly and it builds or if it happens quickly. Try to keep an eye on the patterns and see if you can stop and look at what else is going on as you start to get angry. Anger is a real emotion in itself. It almost always connects to something else as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My long-term girlfriend broke up with me recently. She says it's because of my anger.", "answerText": "I need help controlling my anger.Anger is like a blanket that contains other emotion from bursting out and serves as a shield to protect us when we are not able to manage external issues. Anger also helps us understand that theres something wrong that needs to change. Once we understand that something else caused us to feel angry, then we can explore the source of anger.Ask yourself: Why am angry, Am I hurt, disappointed, confused, embarrassed etc.? Once you find the answer, explore how often that happens and whats your reaction. Then explore how else you could respond or react. You could use I-statements as a way to communicate your true feelings to your girlfriend or whoever is involved in the scenario. This is a good exercise to practice with your Counselor or mental health provider because many unresolved issues may arise during this exploration, especially if you have been angry for a long timeAlso, it is important to understand the difference between anger and aggressionand learn to manage our anger before we act on it. Anger is a feeling; aggression is when you act out your anger physically, verbally and psychologically. Find ways to vent: crying or sweating will help to release your anger, and balance the chemical response that our body creates when you become angry. Physical activity and meditation exercises can also provide a break when you manage strong emotions.Necesito ayuda para controlar mi coraje.El coraje es como una manta que cubre otras emociones evitando que se desborden y sirve como un escudo que nos protege cuando no podemos manejar problemas externos. El coraje tambin nos ayudo a entender que hay algo mal que debemos cambiar. Cuando entendemos que algo mas causo el coraje entonces podemos explorar la fuente.Pregntate a ti mismo: Por qu tengo coraje, estoy herido, decepcionado, confundido, avergonzado, etc.? Ya que encuentres la respuesta, explora cuan frecuente tienes esa reaccin. Luego explora como puedes reaccionar en otra ocasin. Puedes usar expresiones del Yo para comunicar tus verdaderos sentimientos a la persona envuelta en la situacin. Esto es un buen ejercicio para practicar con tu Consejero o profesional de la salud mental ya que otros conflictos sin resolver pueden surgir durante este proceso de exploracin.Tambin es importante entender la diferencia entre el coraje y la agresin, y aprender a manejar el coraje antes que actuemos. El coraje es un sentimiento y la agresin es cuando expresas tu coraje agrediendo a alguien, fsica, emocional o sicolgicamente. Encuentra maneras de desagotare, llorar o sudar te pueden ayudar en este proceso al balancear la respuesta qumica que crea el cuerpo cuando estamos molestos. El la actividad fsica y la meditacin tambin pueden ayudarte a relajarte y tomar un descanso cuando manejas emociones fuertes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!", "answerText": "If your son is reporting \"extremely violent thoughts and dreams\" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare. Don't take his reports lightly. For him to tell you, he knows that something is not right. He is seeking and needing help. Get it immediately. Best to be safe than sorry."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!", "answerText": "Let me start my stating this is important to take seriously - taking to his PCP, getting a referral to a pediatric specialist, and getting him to a relational psychotherapist would be my first tasks.I wont label this occurrences as \"normal\" yet it is important to note these things do occur. My first observation is to say that it is a tremendous advantage that your son is communicating what he is experiencing. I'd encourage him to continue to do so, no matter the extent of his thoughts - his trust of you being able the handle his experience is of utmost importance. His containment and sense of security is also dependent on your reaction to what he shares. Seek professional help, communicating your support, including a plan of action, and reassuring him you will figure this out together will help you as you begin."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.", "answerText": "With me knowing thata healthy relationshipusually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship. Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating. Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively. I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital. Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.", "answerText": "My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have not been able to really sleep. I stay up all times of the night not even knowing why. Every day, I feel like I have anger inside of me. I have a little family, but I can't open up to them like I want to. I have a son, and I feel that I take my anger out on him by screaming at him.", "answerText": "Best question is....what are you so angry about? You can't stop being so angry until you figure out what is the root of your anger. If you feel like you have anger inside, while I am sure you do. Taking it out on your son is only passing on the hurt and anger. This will be inside him too. Get some professional help so that you can be happy and have a happy child."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment.", "answerText": "Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations. Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.", "answerText": "Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others.There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible.Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind. Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are.For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all.Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing.Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting.Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.", "answerText": "Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help control your anger and communicate more effectively.Here is what I would recommend you try: Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of actionor redirect your thoughts all together. Often when webecome angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotionsget in the way. Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about 5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during situations in which you are angry or upset. Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support the negative thoughts? Often the answer is \"no.\" Learn to stop the negative thoughts and replace them with logical andmore positive ones. Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use \"I\" statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her by using \"you\" statements. For example, you might say something such as, \"I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get to spend time with you\" versus \"You always stay out late and don't even care about me.\" The speaker should also avoid using black and white language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want to be responsive and offer fair solutions. I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes from."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.", "answerText": "Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a \"secondary emotion\", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion.Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel \"too much\" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like \"No one lifes me\", or \"People will always hurt me\". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who \"piss you off\", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know how to notice or express my feelings besides anger. That's really the only one i feel.", "answerText": "Well, then give yourself some credit for noticing that you recognize at least one feeling that you have!What is your own theory as to what is difficult to know your feelings? Your answer will give you clues as to unearthing your willingness to be aware of the way you feel.Sometimes the family in which someone grew up, did all they could to stop the kids from knowing who they were.In some families there were very severe consequences if a child spoke up with an independent mind. By knowing where your difficulties started, you may very well be able to release the situation in which you learned to suppress your feelings.Also, spend some time with yourself just enjoying who you are. Often, people who have difficulty in expressing themselves, suffered shame and humiliation as a child. They have a chronic sense of worthlessness, and feeling worthless certainly works against self-expression. By having a good time being with yourself, you may increase your self-appreciation and this will go a long way to believing that your feelings are worth knowing and stating."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headachesmostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself.", "answerText": "Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring.If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen.Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them.Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps.I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head.One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone.Your needs matter."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need answers to my anger, possessiveness, and urges. I am angry all the time. I push people away so much that I actually blow up on people now because they ask me how my day is or was. I have a possessiveness to someone who is not even mine. I have these urges to hurt someone really bad. I want to see them beg for me to stop hurting. I want to hear their agonizing pained-filled voices. What is wrong with me?", "answerText": "What result are you hoping to get from the behaviors you describe?Maybe start by comparing the results you see yourself receiving from your current interactions, with how you would wish to feel from relating to others.Since you ask, \"what is wrong with me?\", there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you'd like in return.This is true even with imagining doing harm to others.What are you really trying to accomplish for yourself by hurting others?Besides the unethicalness and criminality of this and legal consequences of arrest for such behaviors, what gain which is not evil, do you expect from overpowering and imagining you control another human being?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a really bad temper. I get mad very easily then stay like that the whole day. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it.", "answerText": "A lot of times the anger someone expresses is from feeling a deep level hurt within themselves. A surface situation, like, a store told you they'd have delivery of a certain item by Tuesday, and when that particular Tuesday comes, the store doesn't have what they told you they would, and you are furious.The fury may have more with many times before in your life, having been deeply let down by someone who mattered to your life at the time, who similarly promised something and failed to deliver whatever it.If at the time of feeling let down by someone important in your life, the relationship didn't allow for honest expression of all your emotions, you'd have learned to hold in what you realized would not be tolerated if you expressed it clearly.Without practice of being heard when feeling hurt by someone, eventually the person, possibly you, learned to contain and contain your emotions.It is possible that the anger you feel at a variety of situations lately, are muting hurt feelings that you've understood from relating to meaningful people in your personal history, to not talk about.As a way to find out if you feel other emotions in addition to anger, take some time to reflect on what triggered your anger and whether its possible that hurt emotions which nobody whom you know wants to hear, are really the underlying source of your upset.I hope you will enjoy some new discoveries about yourself and your emotions!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.", "answerText": "First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope withlife's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try tohelp control your anger, but theones thatI would recomend first are the following:1.Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Sincearguing withthem is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit.Choose a time to talk with themabout \"heated issues\" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use \"I phrases\" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them.Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view.2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhaleeven slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes.3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts.4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry.I wish you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you have so many arguments with your parents. Ideally parents are people who tolerate that their kids are people with their own unique characteristics.Everyone likes feeling loved by their parent. Do you feel loved even though you and them have clashes?Anger is a symptom of a problem.The real question is knowing what feels like its being hurt inside of you.I agree with your idea of talking with a psychologist or some other type of licensed professional therapist.See if your area has a family service agency in it. Generally the non-profit sectors offer sliding scale fees, and if you qualify, your cost per session would be financially comfortable for you.One possibility is to tell your parents that you'd like starting therapy because of feeling so much stress from the family arguing.They may very well be surprised to learn of your maturity in assessing your level of stress and be willing to make a positive contribution to this by offering to authorize therapy through their health insurance.They may even decide on family counseling so all of you work together to relate in more loving ways.Last, if you aren't ready to speak with your parents about wanting counseling, think about speaking to your school guidance counselor. This person may have some recommendations for your specific geographic location."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know what's with me. I'm almost constantly angry. Even when I'm happy, I still feel anger inside me. When I acknowledge it, it ruins my mood and takes over. I get angry at the littlest things. Even if I think someone said something they didn't, it infuriates me. Something perfectly normal can make me go off. When my anger flares up, I get a terrible pain in my chest that lasts for a while. It's like there is a fire constantly burning in my body, and anger is gasoline.", "answerText": "Hi Nashville, I'm glad you want this to be different. It doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, and it's stealing your energy as well as affecting relationships, I'm sure.Working with a therapist, you can learn to recognise the deep emotions that lie underneath the anger. It's likely to be either powerlessness or worthlessness, and what happens is this... a small moment in the present touches on an old, tender, bruised emotion that we've simply felt too much of or too strongly in the past. We develop ways of avoiding these vulnerable emotions, and anger is one way of doing that.So, when someone looks at you in a certain way, or says something, you'd rather be angry than feel powerless, or unimportant (or whatever your kryptonite feeling is). In that moment, your instinct is to blame whatever happened, no matter how small, because that's the thing that happened just before you got mad. You fail to recognise that the problem is not the look on that person's face, or the shoe that someone left in front of the door...it's that you can't stand feeling something and you want to avoid it like you want to stamp your foot out if it's on fire.I suggest finding a therapist to work with. You can learn to take responsibility for your old emotions and find new ways to manage them. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I see something I dont like, I go off like a ticking time bomb. I go from 0 to 100 really quickly.", "answerText": "Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinkingonly about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every time I speak, he says I anger him. Also, when hes mad at something, like work, he gets angry at me. I feel like were so distant from each other now. We used to laugh all the time, and I feel like he lets too much negativity in. What should I do? We've been married for two years but together for seven.", "answerText": "Hi, Newark. It sounds to me like your husband is going through something, and I think you understand that. You might feel very helpless, sad, and disrespected at the same time. He's changed.It's unfair for him to blame you for his emotions. His mood issues are about him, not you, and he's either not recognising that or not taking responsibility for it.Are you respecting yourself here by drawing appropriate boundaries? You can let him know when you feel disrespected, and what's not okay with you.He may be experiencing depression, which often shows up as irritability in men. It could be that he's not telling you something, or he's unaware of his emotional processes. You can try a \"I'm really worried about you. You don't seem happy and I don't know how to help you. Some things are happening that aren't okay with me. Will you see a therapist?\" approach. Perhaps you could go with him the first time?It's about a combination of compassion, self-respect and seeking professional help, I believe. I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager. I get random spurts of anger, like complete, pure rage. I figured it was hormones, but others notice it too. I get self-destructive. I used to cut but stopped. Now when I get mad, I bite my arms and fingers, pull my hair, scratch my face, or punch my thighs. Basically, I do things I can hide instead of breaking anything in my room and having to explain it to my mom. I don't live in a bad household. I have a great family, a great relationship with my boyfriend, and a good job. I have no idea what this is and I don't know how to control it. It's over any little thing. Tonight, it was because I couldn't get my earrings out. This happens maybe two to three times on a good week, and it's always over stupid, petty things.", "answerText": "Hi. I'm glad you wrote. In general, when a small thing bothers us (and this happens to all of us), it's because the small thing triggers an emotion in us that we have felt \"too much\" or \"too intensely\" in the past, and we don't know how to manage that emotion effectively...we just want to avoid it as quickly as possible. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a qualified therapist can help you to understand what is being triggered in you and learn how to manage emotions productively. You say that your behaviours are self destructive, and I agree. It sounds like you have developed a habit of channelling your distress towards self-harm, and this is a separate and potentially more serious problem. This is a choice you make that points to shame being an issue for you. Again, a good therapist can help you learn what's behind your shame and self-harm. Your feelings are normal, and you can learn more healthy ways to deal with them with qualified help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I easily recognize this but have no control over it and need suggestions for managing my anger.", "answerText": "I suggest that you work on emotional awareness.Emotional awareness basically means knowing what you are feeling and why.Emotional awareness also means that you can identify the link between the way you are feeling and your actions. In other words knowing that your feelings dictate what you do.Often feelings of hurt or insecurity can come out as anger if we cannot properly identify and express the feelings.Being emotionally aware also means that you are able to express your feelings to others. Being unable to do so leads to feelings of frustration and being misunderstood.Many people for many different reasons are not in touch with their emotions. For example, men traditionally have been brought up taught to not express sadness or weakness. Therefore, many men learned to turn feelings of sadness, insecurities, or fears into anger and express these feelings as anger. Being taught not to feel a certain emotion does not make that emotion disappear. Instead it makes us learn how to express it in other, incorrect, ways. If a man never learns to say I am sad or that really hurt my feelings and instead lashes out in anger, then the response they get from those around them will be to the anger and not a response to the underlying true feeling, which will leave the man feeling alone and misunderstood.You can control yourself and not explode. Walk away, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you have to do to not lash out. Instead of reacting the way you normally would, go somewhere by yourself and think about what just happened and try to understand why such a simple thing upset you. What is the real feeling driving these outbursts? Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern.It might help to keep an anger journal. Write down everything that gets you upset. That might help you see a pattern and pinpoint what may be setting you off. Talking with a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.", "answerText": "There's a narrative approach that we call nightmare \"rescripting\" that may be helpful.Since we can't really control the nature of our dreams while they're happening, we try to alter them while we are in a waking state.In a nutshell, this refers to first writing out in detail the events of a recurring nightmare you have. Typically, there is an element of fear, danger or helplessness.Second, we rescript the nightmare by changing what happens in the dream in a way that engenders feelings of empowerment, control, competence, and/or safety. In other words, if the nightmare involved being pursued or assaulted, we might change the events of the story so that you call the police, get to a place of safety, or even fight back and protect yourself.Third, you can reread this new version of the dream over and over again, so that it becomes a well rehearsed story. The effect of this can make it so that the next time your mind goes towards the nightmare while sleeping, this new, more hopeful and empowering story competes with the old one and reduces the level of distress associated with the dream. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.", "answerText": "Are you facing any type of overwhelming situation in your waking life?Dreams and nightmares are the non-logical ways in which we make emotional sense of what goes on in our everyday waking world.Besides having some type of relaxing bedtime routine to set a peaceful mood for your sleep, and avoiding viewing violent films and video games as entertainment, maybe even avoiding news stories which sometimes have similar themes of violence, the content of our dreams and nightmares is out of our direct control.Your nightmares may offer useful clues as to what you're trying to resolve in your life. Pay attention to the story of your nightmare because it reflects how you feel in waking life.If you feel helpless and silenced in your nightmare, or taken advantage of, or whatever dreadful situation goes on during your nightmare, then look for where in waking life, you may feel similar.In this way, you'll become clearer about stressors in your life that you may not have realized existed were it not for the stress of nightmares."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this.", "answerText": "I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It takes me a long time to fall asleep; Id estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my fathers business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?", "answerText": "Youre noticing that as you lie down to go to sleep, there is quite a bit going on, which may be anxiety related. It sounds like the dreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had around the time of your break up, the difficulty with your fathers business, and your mothers health issues. These connections to past events may be important insights to continue exploring in addition to finding out more about what your dreams may be trying to tell you. There is no exact science to dreams, but many people find it fruitful to explore the content as it relates to significant themes in their lives. I think that exploring these issues further with a therapist could help you resolve whatever is causing you the stress, trouble sleeping, and frightening dreams."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It takes me a long time to fall asleep; Id estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my fathers business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?", "answerText": "First of all, exercise is always beneficial for your physical and emotional health. That's great that you have added this in your routine. Have you also considered altering your diet? Certain foods are linked with poor sleep. For example, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and high fat content foods do not bode well with quality sleep, especially right before bed time.On the other hand, warm milk and foods high in carbohydrates have actually shown to positively impact sleep.Additionally, at bed time it's important to keep your room dim, cool and without distractions (i.e. TV, IPad, Phone). Stick to a sleep routine and avoid any activities close to bed time that demand a lot of attention and energy.As far as your nightmares, there could be many causes contributing to them. Certain foods (many of the ones mentioned) or medications could be the culprit. Doing a bit of research into the ones you are consuming may help you eliminate the offender.You may also benefit from talk therapy with a qualified therapist to discuss any underlying issues you are experiencing. Oftentimes, depression and anxiety can manifest themselves during sleep, causing nightmares.Finally, Yoga has shown to be very beneficial for quality sleep. There are many instructional videos available that can introduce you to the practice if you'd rather not join a class right away.Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you are able to catch up on some well deserved Z's!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes 3 times a night.", "answerText": "Perhaps more dreaming means that you are making use of your mind to solve problems. I find that change states, while sometimes difficult, are very exciting. They give you opportunity to grow more rapidly. So I say: \"congratulations!\" ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes 3 times a night.", "answerText": "Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives.If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes 3 times a night.", "answerText": "As a depth therapist (aka \"psychodynamic practitioner\"), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations.We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response.Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes 3 times a night.", "answerText": "That's adifficult questionto answer.Dreaming is a normal (and healthy) part of the sleep cycle. The current thought is that we all generally experience roughly the same number of dreams - the difference often is just whether we remember the dreams or not.An increase in the number or frequency of distressing dreams (or nightmares) can be a symptom of stress, anxiety, or PTSD. If the dreams are disturbing to you, talking to a local counselor could help.If the dreams themselves are not troubling, you may just be remembering them more than most people do."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've pretty much been on my own since day one, I'm a middle child of five, and I can't seem to put my trust in anyone. It took me four years to finally open up a little to my best friend. Every time I realize that I have feelings for someone, I freak out and never talk to them again. I really want some help.", "answerText": "One way to concentrate is that if your mind starts to wonder then remind yourself to bring your attention back.Start with short time spans of expecting yourself to concentrate. You'll more likely succeed with concentrating with small time spans than longer ones.Once you start seeing your success, this will motivate you to try increasing the length to expect yourself to concentrate.The task of self-reminding is the same, whether for long or short time periods.Also, before starting this exercise ask your medical doctor if the problem can be related to a physical health problem.If there is, then have the possibility ruled out that your difficulty concentrating comes from the mental ability to concentrate, and not some medical reason preventing this.Before someone can engage their psychological will there must be a clean medical body and mind with which to work."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "I'm sure you've tried to talk to your husband, but if not, could you? Have a conversation with him about him and his life, his work, etc. See if he relaxes and opens up to you, even a little bit. Don't try to have a heavy conversation or even unburden yourself to him during this first conversation - just try to be light-hearted and focus on hearing him. It's the first step towards getting your needs met too, and ending any emotional standoff that might have come about between you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "I'm sorry for how you're feeling in your marriage lately. Are you and your husband able to talk directly about your feelings? The way two people connect is usually by talking with each other to understand what each one cares about and thinks.Your current emotional suffering is the natural result of being married to someone who shows no interest in doing this.If your husband wants to start talking with you, then there is a chance the two of you can reconnect. If he doesn't want to participate in the relationship with you, then start to think if its possible and for how long, to get emotional support from friends and family who do care for you.Also a question for the future is to understand what the value of your marriage is to you besides having a connection to your husband."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "Communication opens up what is called \"cognitive space\" for your partner, and allows them to do the same for you. The more you know about each other, especially your everyday lives, creates a bond between the two of you. Much like the saying goes in the military, the same is true for a couple; \"Complacency Kills\". It is important for both of you to invest in each other on a regular basis. I regularly recommend that both of you take the 5 Love Languages Assessment and start using each other's top love languages to help show each other the positive affection that you feel (or at least want to feel) for one another. Start asking about your husband's day, trying to learn about all the interactions that he has at work, and feel free to ask questions so that he knows you really want to know about him, and know him intimately again."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "Feeling alone in your marriage is one of the most painful feelings. Wanting connection with your spouse yet feeling the all too familiar distance that's keeping you apart can be so hurtful. But, change is possible. You might be able to move closer toward each other on your own but since there has been two years of distance, I would suggest looking into couples therapy with a trained couples therapist. They are trained in helping couples begin to examine what's been happening that has caused a drift in your marriage.I'm also curious if there was a significant event that occurred around the time you started feeling distant. If there was something that occurred during this time that is hard for you both to talk about, couples therapy can help with this also. It can provide a safe and supportive space for you both."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "Absolutely. Your question shows that you are going through a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. Many couples go through this disconnect and hope to come to reconnect before things get to a breaking point. What I think can help is the following:1.) Understand what his primary concern is2.) Understand what your primary concern is3.) What would you like to see different?4.) What would he like to see different?5.) Be honest about your concern with him having friends (Be ready for honesty)6.) Help him understand you feel alone without him feeling guilty.7.) Let him know how committed you are to making this relationship despite the two of you drifting apart.8.) Sometimes if you just acknowledge the elephant in the room.9.) Couples/Marriage Therapy"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "What you are describing is something I often refer to as \"living with your roommate\" phenomenon. This is the idea that you feel like you are living with a roommate and no your partner or spouse . It is not uncommon for members of a couple to report to feel both physical and/or emotional distance. When we don't feel connected within relationships, this can be isolating and lonely. The emotional distance often makes us wonder: am I important to the other? These types of feelings need to be better understood in the context of your own background and upbringing I.e., who you are and also better understood in the context of your couple. Feeling reconnected can occur-- but there is not a \"one size fits all\" solutoon. As a first step, do you or your partner have any ideas of how to feel reconnected? Have you considering talking to your partner about the emotional void? Or how about discussing solutions , together, that might help-- from individual therapy to couple therapy to a weekly date night to inquiring about one another's personal interest to starting off the conversation of what both of you want and can do to re-establish feelings of connectiveness. If this is too frightening I.e., to address the lack of connection between you and your spouse. a fist meeting with a couple therapist can likely help unpack what the possible solutions for your couple."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "I can think of several things that may help you to reconnect. I don't know how much time you actually spend together, but one thing you could try is to spend 15 minutes a week together talking about common interests or other things that make you feel connected.Have you considered a date night or anything (doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but could make each of you feel special)?Something else you could try is to consider talking to each other in a way where you summarize what you are hearing and reflect back to make sure that you got it right rather than just assuming so. Communicating this way can feel awkward at times, but it could reconnect how you are listening and deeply connecting with your partner. Also, you may discover that you are on two different pages about things on which you thought you understood what each other felt, wanted, or desired.Consider what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Can you name a few things and get them right according to your partner when you check in? Can he do the same for you?You could also try doing two things every day that would be appreciated by your partner without either of you having to ask for it. There is some more information here, although what you do for one another does not necessarily need to be on this list:http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/Reconnecting is a bit of a process. Try to praise yourself and your partner for attempts that you make and recognize that you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. You may also find this book to be helpful (or there are other similar ones by the same author):https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languagesIf this still seems difficult, consider seeing a local mental health professional. As one more thought, recall that this relationship involves both of you. If you are both committing to change your level of connection, change will likely not be a steady uphill climb (there could be plateaus or even some dips back in a negative direction) and each of you may change at a different rate.Best wishes in your quest for connection!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For some reason I feel very uncomfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body in certain poses on social media. I know she is proud of her body and I respect that, but I dont feel comfortable with her openly showing off her body the way she does. Anytime I bring it up to her she thinks Im calling her a whore. How can I deal with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media and not hurt her feelings?", "answerText": "Ask her to consider your feelings not only her own defensiveness that she is called a whore by you.Clearly since you're writing on a site which offers psychological and emotional support and guidance, you do not consider your gf to be a whore.She may not realize or considered that you are somewhat protective of who sees her body. In the end she may not want the privacy over her body which you are encouraging her to have.At least you will have the satisfaction to know you stated your actual reasons for your request, and did not rely on the ones she imagined you have."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", "answerText": "Because the acrobatics and excitement of sex has nothing to do with the meaning of deeper emotional attachment to another person with whom we are in a relationship.Try to distinguish between your feelings of excitement from the novel sexual arrangement and what you feel is necessary in order to feel emotionally close and attached to your husband."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", "answerText": "You need to have an honest conversation with each other about WHY you both want a threesome. Evaluate the status of your relationship with each other. Are you having issues? Fighting? Not feeling satisfied with each other? How has your sex life been with each other? If there are any problems, insecurities, issues, introducing something like this may only make your relationship worse.Open relationships and threesomes rarely work out well. Sure, there are some who successfully live this lifestyle, but it only works when both people are completely secure in their relationship with each other, harbor no jealousies or insecurities, and aren't looking to someone else to satisfy needs that aren't getting met by their spouse.Let me say that again: This is not likely to work out well for you if either of you are insecure, jealous, or looking to have needs met by this other person that you aren't getting from your spouse.That empty feeling you're having - listen to it. Dig deep to find out where it is coming from. What thoughts are going through your head when you feel that way? You'll get the answer.The other thing that helps make something like this work is for both of you to listen and respect each other. If you don't like it that he paid more attention to the other girl, he needs to know that, and he needs to respect that. If you're going to do it again, he needs to know what you're comfortable with and what you want. Set the limits before you're in the moment, before it's too late to take an action back. Turn it around and ask him what he would be comfortable with if it were a man instead of a woman.It is perfectly natural to be curious and want to experiment. A lot of people get that out of the way before settling down in a monogamous relationship. People who marry young and/or inexperienced may still feel that curiosity about things like that and want to experience them, but don't want to hurt their spouse. The REASON you are both doing this matters a lot. If there are problems in your relationship, this is likely to only make things worse."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", "answerText": "Hello there. As you have courageously explained your soulful dilemma. I can appreciate the complexity of this situation. You have identified some key factors that may be contributing to your sense of feeling \"empty\". One, is the ultimate goal here able to be acquired from this arrangement? Are you trying to have your fulfillment with another woman while in the presence of your husband but not with him 'on her' as much or at all? Are you trying to ask him to be more passive participant? Perhaps be careful of not drinking too heavily... In the whole event, how do you want to feel intimate or connected ? Were you craving all along, him to really be all over you along with her? These are questions that arise; maybe not solutions. Its always good to be very clear with oneself of what is the ultimate target here... And always measure the potential danger.. Peace - keith"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Nervousness, when doing something new, especially something sexual that can feel so personal, is very common. Indeed, despite the fact that nervousness can be uncomfortable, it is also part of the excitement of trying something new. Many people who engage in open, polyamorous, and/or other-type relationships, will tell you that difficult feelings, such as jealousy and anger, do show up sometimes. This doesn't prove that there is something wrong with the relationship, it just shows that you retain normal human emotions while in one. And many people who are in polyamorous relationships have written about the work it sometimes takes to make such relationships work. Of course, all relationships take work, so polyamorous and other types of relationships are simply not an exception. There could be several reasons why you are feeling the way you do. One reason could be that you are simply not as comfortable with the idea as you think you are. Some time and good communication with your husband may help you with this. Another reason this may be bothering you is because, on some level, you are aware of the messages society gives us about marriages. They are supposed to be monogamous, heterosexual, etc. etc. Just because you may not agree with these beliefs doesn't mean that you haven't been influenced by them. We all have. Another reason this may be upsetting you is because it may feel a little frightening. Perhaps there are a lot of \"What ifs\" going on in your mind. When you get the \"empty\" feeling, it may be helpful to try to really nail down the emotions that are attached to that feeling. One thing that I do think is very important is that you communicate these feelings to your husband. It may even be a good idea to talk about expectations or \"ground rules\", if you will. It is important that you are both on the same page about what this is, and why you are doing it. If you continue to struggle, I suggest finding a counselor who has experience in sex and sexuality. I wish you well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.", "answerText": "Whether to divorce or not depends on your reasoning to do so.Marriage is its own unique existence dependent on what the partners want from it.Examine your terms of satisfaction from the marriage.Maybe you have very clear reasons to continue the marriage.Maybe you dont.Only you can decide if what youre contributing and benefitting is satisfying enough to stay."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.", "answerText": "Clearly you seem interested inbeing other people, and you are also concerned about your husband being unfaithful online. But it seems like there is something that keeps you with your husband. And I have so many questions for you: What are you looking for outside of your marriage? Are you willing to give that up if your husband is not able to provide it? Do you want to stay together and make it work? Do you want to open the lines of communication with your husband, so you could analyze the situation together?I suggest attending couples therapy or even couples mediation to assess and discuss where you want to go whit your relationship. It will also help to establish healthy lines of communication, where you could express the pros and cons of the relationship, analyze if you are willing to work to stay together, or have some closure and process a separation. I provide a combination of counseling and mediation in couple's therapy, you can call 787466-5478 to make an appointment.Deber divorciarme?Le he sido infiel a mi esposo al menos diez veces en los ltimos cinco aos. En el trabajo pretendo que no soy casada. Recientemente se fijo, pero ment para cubrirlo. El hablaba con mujeres por el internet, pero yo he tenido varias aventuras.Claramente tu estas interesada en ver a otras personas, y estas preocupada de que tu esposo haya sido infiel. Pero al parecer hay algo que aun sostiene la relacin. Tengo varias preguntas para ti: Que estas buscando fuera de tu matrimonio? Ests dispuesta a dejar lo que encuentras fuera del matrimonio, si tu esposo no puede drtelo? Quieres quedarte con l y hacerlo funcionar? Te gustara abrir las lneas de comunicacin con tu esposo, para que puedan analizar su relacin?Les sugiero hacer terapia de pareja o inclusive mediacin, para asesar y discutir a donde quieres llegar con tu relacin. Tambin les ayudara a re-establecer lneas de comunicacin de manera que puedan expresar los pros y contras de estar juntos, ver si pueden trabajar para mejorar su matrimonio o partir amigablemente. En mi consultorio proveo una combinacin de consejera de pareja y mediacin, puede llamar al 787-466-5478 para una cita."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.", "answerText": "It may be helpful to have this emotionally impactful conversation in the context of couples therapy.Whether or not you should get a divorce is not the first question that comes to mind for me, but more along the lines of do you want to be together and what kind of relationship do you want to create?For some people, polyamorous relationships (those involving more than two people) are acceptable. This does not work for everyone, but if each of you agree that that is okay, it may work for you and your husband. If it is something that you are both open to, it is often beneficial to have more than one discussion about the details of what is acceptable for each of you.If you want to be devoted only to each other, what does that lifestyle look like for each of you? What can you start or stop doing right now to move your relationship in that direction?Neither of you can make the other partner change. That does not mean you cannot talk about what each of your goals are together and support each other in working toward those goals you have for yourselves.Sometime having discussions like these is easier when there is a structure and/or someone in the room (like a therapist) who can help keep the conversation on topic and work on having each of you communicate in a way that expresses your wants, wishes, and desires in a way that is not blaming of your partner.If either of you wants a divorce, that could be part of the discussion. Divorce is not the only choice here, depending upon what each of you wants and is willing to accept, learn, and grow from as it relates to yourself and your partner."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "There are many different ways that can be approached in your situation.1. I would recommend a complete medical examination including blood test. i would want to know if there are any medical issues in your low sex drive.2. Where is your husband in this situation? Is he resentful, accepting, demanding or neutral?3. What is your past sexual history? has this had an affect on your current issue?4.Has there been problems in your past with abuse of any kind?5. Understand that intimacy is more than sex. What other ways can you be close to your spouse?6. It sounds like there is some confusion about sexual intimacy from both of you.Couples counseling would be a great place to start.All of these areas need to be explored before any treatment goals can be established.You need to talk with a professional counselor to explore how to better connect with your spouse."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "It's encouraging that you say you want \"to be better connected with [your] husband,\" and since he hasn't left you, he must care about you and the relationship more than he does about just having sex. You don't say whether he complains or not, but even if he doesn't it seems there's a sense of something important missing for both of you.Most likely to connect better with him physically you'll need to become better connected with yourself and your body. Men often feel fulfilled by sex simply because it happened - the woman they want received them, allowed them to make love with her. For women that can sometimes be more complicated. A woman who loves sex most likely also loves her body, knows what pleasures her, and feels confident asking for what she wants. Self-pleasuring can be a way for you to discover more about your sexuality, and a classic resource is Betty Dodson's book Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving.A good counselor or sex therapist can be very helpful with your whole relationship as well as the sexual part of it, but not all counselors are comfortable working with sexual issues. Shop around and be sure you find someone who can help you and your husband get better connected on all levels."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "The numbers you write are low compared to how much sex many other people would be satisfied having.The key is your and your husband's satisfaction with the amount of sex you are having.And, know if there are reasons besides low sex drive that possibly explain this.Knowing the other possibilities matter because a low sex life may mean one of you is being satisfied sexually outside the marriage or that one of you prefers sex with a same gendered partner.If you've ruled out these possibilities, and you are satisfied with your emotional and financial life in the relationship, then a low sex drive may simply be the norm for the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "There are a lot of different things that could be playing a role here.First, different people have unique levels of sex drive, and sometimes there is a hormonal imbalance.Because you say both that there is a possibility that neither one of you \"actually knows what you're doing,\" and you want to be better connected with your husband, consider having some time where you sit together and touch each other in nonsexual ways and communicate about what you like and don't like. One person would be doing the touching and the other would be communicating. Then the rules would switch. After you both become comfortable with that, you could try the same thing with touching that is sexual in nature.Dr. Tammy Nelson is a therapist who specializes in relationships and sexual issues and she has several books and lots of other resources on her website:https://www.drtammynelson.com/There are actually therapists who specialize in sex therapy and if you are interested in that, you would want a therapist who is a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). This does not mean that they only specialize in sexual addiction, but they do have special training in discussing sexual elements of relationships and their training is quite extensive.In addition to connecting sexually, you may consider discussing with your husband whether each of you are aware of things that make you feel valued, special, loved, and appreciated. It may be that making positive changes related to your sex life would also improve your relationship, and vice versa."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "When it comes to sex drive, we are talking adrenal function, and a little bit of kidney;The endocrine glands require a bit of pumping up to improve one's sense of desire, motivation, and joy;Consider herbal formulas centering around woman's reproductive function to improve desire;To improve his, there are herbs for the man's side as well :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "In order to develop a better intimate connection with your husband, it's important to first cultivate a strong connection with yourself. I would take some time to explore your own body, notice what feels pleasurable, and play with different ways to achieve orgasm on your own. Explore your own willingness to be open emotionally, sexually, and to play and have fun.Once you've engaged in a process of self exploration, I would check in with yourself and be honest about why you're not enjoying sex. Are there specific reasons you're not enjoying sex with your husband? Sometimes the reasons might be of a sexual nature and other times there could be emotional blocks (or anxiety) or other reasons that prevent you from wanting to be fully open and let go with your partner. From a sexual perspective, I would explore what you can do to increase your own pleasure, learn ways to communicate your needs in a loving way, and focus on pleasure and play (rather than outcome and orgasm). Begin by taking the pressure off orgasm and enjoy a naked massage together-- focusing on exploring what feels pleasurable. Lastly, if you're wanting to learn new skills, check out a local sex workshop."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "Hi there,Thank you for your openness about the challenge you are experiencing in your relationship. Sexual intimacy is an important part of many people's life, but how much importance is placed on it varies from couple to couple.The first step would be to have an open conversation with your husband. It's important you are both open about what you desire from sexual intimacy and how much intimacy each one of you wants. For example, asking your husband how often does he want to have sex/ week or /month. When having this conversation, it's important that you are both respectful and open with each other. The point of the conversation is to get to know each other and not to solve a problem, yet.There are couples who enjoy fulfilling platonic/friendship relationships with minimal or no sex because both partners are not interested in it. If you are both on the same page - lack of sex might not be a problem.If there is a difference in your sex drive and frequency of desire, I would recommend seeing a professional relationship & sex therapist as a couple to help you explore your current sexual dynamic, what's creating it, what's getting in a way of connecting sexually and toassist you and your husband in finding creative solutions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "I work with many couples that experience a wide range of sexual and relationship challenges. The one aspect I tell many folks that I work with, is this: Every person and relationship is different. There really isn't a \"normal\" amount of sex a person should have or want to have. If having sex 4 to 5 times in the course of your relationship is satisfying to you and your husband, there is nothing wrong with it. If you or your husband would like to have sex more often, I suggest talking with a counselor about this to find ways to engage in a sexual life in which you are both satisfied. The aspect of connectedness is an important one. While sex can be very connecting for many couples, it isn't the only way to connect. I find that communication about the matter of frequency of sex, checking in to see how you and your husband feel, as well as communicant about your needs for connection are an important start to fulfilling this need."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "Unfortunately, you will never know the true answer. This is really frustrating to hear, but you will never 100% be able to guarantee that he has given you the truth. So if you can, work on accepting that, breathing through that,He may not fully remember, he may have lied to you in the past or he is lying now. He may have been honest then or he may be honest not.As for options, you can talk to him and provide a safe space for him to tell you what happened. This could be a private conversation with you or at a counseling session. He would need to feel safe to tell you the truth. But remember, there are no guarantees. You would need to make a decision to trust him or not. And go from there. A couples counselor can help guide that conversation, and make sure that he is feeling safe to share.More important than if he actually had sex or not, I would evaluate your relationship. Do you trust him now? Were there trust issues before? Does he hide things now? Identifying your current trust levels will be important for having a healthy relationship now. Hope this helps, even if it is frustrating to not have guarantees."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "I've been in this situation before and have some insight to share with you. In my experience, he was lying and trying to cover it up. By pushing you to std testing, he's distracting you so he can shift the guilt he feels and blame it on you. In a guilty man's mind I believe he's thinking-...if I cheated...you must have as well....but you're much worse than I because it's okay for me to cheat...but not you...now you're a cheating dirty slut...just like that prostituteMen believe they're entitled to treat women and children like property. Often they use intimidation and violence to control us.He'll never admit to cheating, he'll never apologize and he'll do it again and again. Truly they don't think it's a big deal, it's just their way of being social. They desperately want us to accept it, perhaps join in the act."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.The reality is you won't ever \"know\" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage. Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though. I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work. The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "Hello, The truth is that you will never know unless your husband decides to be upfront about the details to gain your trust. One thing is for sure though, not knowing and having this uncertainty in your heart will push your husband and you further away from being able to repair the marriage. The best thing you both can do is seek professional help to navigate this issue and start doing damage control. It sounds as if you are committed to this marriage and I am sure your husband is too. It will take some time and purpose, but you can recover from this if you both commit. Don't wait and start working the steps to find peace of mind and a way to reconnect with the man you love. Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "The only two people who know the answer to your question are your husband and the prostitute.The question you did and can answer is the reason you would doubt your husband, which is bc of his multiple stories.Ideally your husband cares to restore your sense of confidence in the stories he tells you.If you state your doubts and your interest for the truth, ideally he will produce enough evidence of the truth so you will have facts and can make sense of them. Hopefully the two of you will do this sense making together, especially if he did have sex w the prostititute.If he's unwilling to care about restoring your trust in him, then this is a different problem entirely."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "The answer lies in what the outcome will be. How will things end if you find out he had sex with a prostitute? Will you leave? Will you try to work things out?The multiple versions are concerning. He seems unable to be truthful and this is damaging your relationship.Before considering marital therapy, please find a counselor for yourself. The right therapist can help you uncover what is right for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He is always telling me our fights are only and all my fault, he bashes me to our young child, and he is addicted to a few substances.", "answerText": "Strengthen your own belief in your right to a decent life and respect of who you are.From the brief description you write, your husband has very limited capacity to recognize how others feel and even less capacity to empathize with the person.The best you can do is convince yourself of your own worth and associate with others who believe similarly about your qualities."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He is always telling me our fights are only and all my fault, he bashes me to our young child, and he is addicted to a few substances.", "answerText": "The behaviors you describe are boundary violations. You can not change your spouse, but you can respond to his behaviors in ways that protect your boundaries and ensure your safety. This is very hard to do without support. Finding a therapist who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships may be helpful. If you are not ready to do this, I recommend the book \"Boundaries\" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It's a great resource for helping one recognize boundary violations and learning how to respond to them in ways that are constructive!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Infidelity is common. In a largest study conducted to date about 10-15% of women and 20-25% of men admitted to being unfaithful while in a monogamous relationship. You are not alone and you can get through this just like countless couples have done before you. First of all, you need to know that although there may be reasons for his behaviour (e.g., not feeling sexually satisfied) those are not excuses. He could have chosen to masturbate instead of cheating on you, right? Your partner needs to own his choices and if he is capable of doing it and is truly willing to work on the relationship with you to make it stronger, more transparent and more fulfilling for both of you, then there is hope. The question is : are you willing to put in all this extra work? Forgiveness is not easy and it may take a lot of time and effort for you to consciously choose to trust again. It won't just happen if you don't work on it. And yes, it's unfair that you are being asked to work on this, when he is the one who had been unfaithful. Even though it is hard, you need to be able to let go at some point of having all the power in the relationship, because right now you have it as the one who had been cheated on. You cannot hold on to being the victim forever because it will create an imbalance in your relationship making it less healthy in the long-run. All of this is hard work. Is he and this relationship worth it? Are you equally committed to making it work? If so, don't abandon this relationship just yet. Work on it together (ideally get a few sessions with an experienced couple counsellor) and see where that gets you. For additional specific ideas check out my tips for how to deal with infidelity in a relationship. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "HelloYes many couples have survived infidelity. How sincere is he with wanting to work it out?That means alot in recovery. The key is to understand that cheating is a choice. Please don't take the betrayal personal.Look at the foundation of the relationship. Is there cracks that can be healed? How do you feel about betrayal?Honest communication is the key to healing. Never assume monogamy discuss it. No one can tell you if you should stay or go. That is a very personal decision.Start by setting up face to face time to discuss the affair and emotions. If this may be hard please get a counselor or therapist that can meditate this journey.Just remember even if you decide to leave you still need support to heal. Just because you leave the situation, the trauma still exists."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Hello. Thank you for your question. Many couples that experience infidelity in their relationship face this important question - \"is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?\"Deciding to stay or leave is such a personal decision, one that only you can make.When an affair is disclosed or found out, it can have a traumatic impact on the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner might be overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts - Wanting answers to specific questions - Wanting details. And the partner that had the affair might be feeling overwhelm around \"Will their partner ever forgive them?\" \"Will they trust them again?\" \"How long will it take to regain their trust again?\"While it is possible for couples to get past the cheating, it does take a commitment from each partner to do the work needed. Because of the complexities cheating has on the bond couples have with each other, I would recommend seeing a couple therapist that specializes in working with the issue of infidelity. When infidelity happens, there are usually a number of secrets that accompany it, and this can be incredibly difficult for couples to work through on their own."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Hello. I'm sorry that this happened to you, and that you are struggling with making a decision about this. In my experience, a couple can absolutely overcome cheating and get back to the relationship they once had. Hopefully, the other relationship is over, and you can work on rebuilding the trust that has been broken. It will be difficult for the both of you to move past this, and getting professional help as you navigate rebuilding your relationship is a good idea. Just know that you can get past this, many couples do.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Definitely yes, it is possible for a couple to trust each other again and become close with each other.Since your trust was broken, your fianc would need to earn back your belief that he is faithful to you.Do you feel he empathizes with how you felt to find out about his cheating?Before you have this question answered, based on what you write there is a sense of your own doubt as to whether you are with the right partner.Before you and he address regaining your trust, first decide if you'd like to work on this.Ask yourself if the sexual attention he felt he wasn't getting from you was bc you're not as interested in him as you imagine or once felt in the past.If each of you sincerely wants to be together, it is possible to talk about your respective needs and help the other person feel safe again with the other."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "As a relationship therapist I work with couples all the time that are in the repair phase of their relationship after infidelity. The short answer to this, is not only is it possible to have a satisfying and fullfilling relationship after infidelity, it happens more often that we may know. The current rate of infidelity is high, while it's not important to go into many reasons, it mau be important to know you aren't alone in this! My biggest suggestion for you would be to seek out a professional counselor that specializes in working with couples healing from infidelity. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Betrayal in a relationship can be one of the most difficult things a relationship can sustain. Sometimes feelings about the betrayal may also trigger past wounds. The fact that \"it only happened once\" may not make it any easier to move forward. I highly recommend working with a mental health professional who has experience working around the issue of infidelity. Together, you can work on healing the wounds and moving forward. I do believe it is possible to move forward, if both partners are ready and willing to do the work to move forward together and create a new vision for their relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Finding out about an affair is quite an emotional experience. It's usually jarring. I encourage you to give yourself some compassion about emotions that you have.You asked whether it is possible to get past the cheating and the answer is that it can be. It depends on many factors.I would recommend that you see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. There are certain ways that both of you could learn more about yourselves and each other that may actually serve to make your relationship stronger. Sometimes there are motivations for having an affair that can be discussed in therapy in a way that you become more aware of what each other is experiencing and where you want to go from here. It could be that learning to communicate differently would be helpful.Regarding whether you should \"just move on,\" I recommend talking about with a therapist as well. At the very least, you can discuss more about what you are thinking and feeling and what your choices are as far as where you want to go from here."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "It's possible but challenging. Both partners need to be feel motivated enough to repair the relationship and dedicated to the work needed to address whatever underlying issues led to the serious breach of trust. For some people, cheating is an absolute deal breakerfor others, the context of the cheating allows them to see it as a mistake that they can forgive their partner for. So it depends on how you feel about the relationship and whether you want to put in the work to repair it.If you're not sure how you feel, counseling can help you resolve the ambiguity, either individually or with your partner. Then, depending on what you decide, a counselor can help you either repair the relationship or decouple from your former partner."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "First off, let's start with really validating the potential emotional pain you are feeling right now. There is generally no lack of uncertainty, anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger. These are all normal emotions and being allowed to feel them is the beginning of the healing process. It might be helpful to talk about these feeling with your fianc, a friend or a counselor.Now to get to your primary question. Can a relationship move past infidelity? The short answer is yes. A bit longer of an explanation is that is sounds like you and your fianc had pieces of a solid foundation to base a relationship on. For many couples they encounter a primary challenge, sometimes that's money, or parenting and for some it's sexuality. If you and your fianc are both committed to balancing the positive aspects of your relationship while improving the challenges than it's definitely possible to move past this. This is not an easy process and for many couples takes months or years of healing while engaging in relationship counseling.Good luck to you and your continues healing and growth!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was with my friends at the park, and we were talking and having fun. After a while, I met a girl there. We talked and flirted for a while, then we gave our numbers to each other and left. We talked for a few months, then we met up again. She kissed me, so I assumed we were dating. Then I found out she has a boyfriend.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for your disappointment with this girl.Maybe next time you start to like someone talk with the person to find out if they feel similar to you. This way you have a good chance to avoid being hurt in the way you describe here.Even if the person doesn't give you a straightforward answer to their feelings for you, you'll gain a little more information by listening to how seriously they consider your question, what their body language is like, whether or not the person seems sincere.Listen to your gut.If you feel unsure the person likes you as much as you like them, then wait a little while to see if your feelings about the person or their feelings about you, change and in what direction they change.Keep yourself informed as best you can so you'll know you did as much as possible to kiss someone who understands your kiss the way you mean it to be understood."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He's gone for 11 weeks for a band camp. It's week two right now. We used to be Intimate a lot, and now since he's busy 12 hours a day, we can't really be Intimate, even over the phone. Is it normal for me to more sensitive in general?", "answerText": "Well yes, physical intimacy does give all sorts of positive feelings. The sudden withdrawal of these is certainly possible to trigger a reaction like the one you describe."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband had an emotional affair with his ex-wife in November. She invited him to dinner, alone, with their daughter. I wasnt aware of this until after 11pm when I asked where he was. He had been drinking, and I told him not to come home that night. The next morning, we talked about going to counseling. He went out that night with friends and said his ex-wife wasn't going. I found out in April that she did go. I gave him the chance to get everything out in the open. I found out that he stayed that second night with her. I asked if they slept in the same bed, and he said yes, both nights. His daughter wasn't there the second night. He claims they didn't have sex, but what else should I think?", "answerText": "I agree with you that professional counseling is a wise choice for your relationship.Your husband may not know, want to know or want to discuss with you, what his true feelings are toward you and the ex.The topic is very heated, which is why discussing these matters alone may do more harm than good,Usually people start deeply complex emotional matters discussion and get so upset the conversation goes off track and unintended hurts happen.In a therapist office, the two of you will be guided on talking about these critical areas and this will be much more productive than trying to do so only with the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband had an emotional affair with his ex-wife in November. She invited him to dinner, alone, with their daughter. I wasnt aware of this until after 11pm when I asked where he was. He had been drinking, and I told him not to come home that night. The next morning, we talked about going to counseling. He went out that night with friends and said his ex-wife wasn't going. I found out in April that she did go. I gave him the chance to get everything out in the open. I found out that he stayed that second night with her. I asked if they slept in the same bed, and he said yes, both nights. His daughter wasn't there the second night. He claims they didn't have sex, but what else should I think?", "answerText": "My answer is going to be super simplistic but I believe this may be what you need. Ask your husband if he wants to stay married to you. If he says yes, then it would be helpful to go to a marriage counselor and work this out with a professional. If he says no, then you can file for divorce."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She's busy because her mom makes her clean all the time and go out places with her family. We don't talk much because of it. Also, we have little fights. We want to work it out but we don't know how.", "answerText": "Maybe your girlfriend feels torn in her emotions between loyalty toward her family and toward investing herself in a relationship.There are so many \"maybes\", that the best way to strengthen your relationship is to ask your girlfriend if she feels any pressure from her family to avoid involving herself with you.If the answer is \"no\", then continue to talk with each other as to what would make you each feel more secure with one another.Also, more simply, are the two of you able to resolve the \"little fights\"?Differences of opinion are normal between two people, even to the point of each person feeling they are the only one who knows the correct answer.As long as each one of you has the goodwill to give a little, then the fights are a healthy way to respect and care about each other.If the fights are about the same topic which repeats itself, then there are strong differences between the two of you, including the possibility that her family places and she is willing to accept, some obstacle to this relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She's busy because her mom makes her clean all the time and go out places with her family. We don't talk much because of it. Also, we have little fights. We want to work it out but we don't know how.", "answerText": "Maybe you can start with having 15 minutes per week that you know you will be spending time with each other (even if it needs to be on the phone). Because this much time could be scheduled ahead of time, at least you would know there was that time that was set aside. That may also help you to rekindle some conversations between you.As far as your little fights, consider spending five minutes with one of you talking about one issue that is a concern and the other partner asking questions that are open-ended (cannot be answered with just yes or no) and listening as an investigative reporter to try to learn more about what the other person is experiencing. Then, once the partner who started speaking thinks the listening partner is understanding where they are coming from, switch. It's also good to restate what you think you are hearing. Then you know what each other is truly following about this. Also remember that following or understanding what someone is saying does not imply agreement, just that you are recognizing what they are saying and able to see where they are coming from.Also consider noticing what makes you feel valued, special, loved, or appreciated. Think of the same for your girlfriend. This could be a great discussion to have as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I went to my ex-boyfriend to reach out to one of his high school friends who's attempted to commit suicide. When I went to him to reach out to his high school friend, he told me that I put him in a terrible position and put an enormous load on his shoulders. He was very angry that I went to him to do that. Am I in the wrong for going to him to reach out? He helped me so much with my depression and bad habits, so that's why I thought of him to reach out. He made me feel awful for thinking highly of him to help. Why did he react this way towards me? I think he's being selfish.", "answerText": "Your compassionate reach out to the friend is praiseworthy.That your ex bf has trouble accepting your gesture as kindness shows your ex bf is not seeing the situation clearly.I believe your ex bf's words about feeling burdened by your action.However, he is mixing up his own responsibility to know the root of his feelings.Blaming you for feelings he doesn't understand within himself is unfair and not helpful to anyone, including him.From what you write, you did nothing wrong and your action toward the potential suicider was gracious.My only guess which is also very general about your ex bf's behavior is that he doesn't yet fully understand himself and finds blaming others easier than understanding himself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I went to my ex-boyfriend to reach out to one of his high school friends who's attempted to commit suicide. When I went to him to reach out to his high school friend, he told me that I put him in a terrible position and put an enormous load on his shoulders. He was very angry that I went to him to do that. Am I in the wrong for going to him to reach out? He helped me so much with my depression and bad habits, so that's why I thought of him to reach out. He made me feel awful for thinking highly of him to help. Why did he react this way towards me? I think he's being selfish.", "answerText": "I'm glad you think so highly of your boyfriend and his ability to be there when you would like to talk about things that are important to you.I see why you would want them to reach out. I also wonder about how close he was with his friend and what he thought you meant when you asked him to reach out. It sounds as if he is thinking that doing so would mean that he is responsible for his friend's well-being, although I can't say that for certain.Would you be willing to have a discussion with your boyfriend where for a few minutes (five minutes or so), you ask him about what made him react that way? During this time, try to listen and ask questions is if you are an investigative reporter and are trying to learn more about his experience. You can also summarize what you are hearing to make sure that you understand it as he does. This does not mean that you have to agree with what you say, but just that you follow. I hear you saying that you think he's being selfish. I'm suggesting that just during this conversation, you ask questions to focus on what he is thinking and feeling. In one sentence, the goal would be to learn more about his experience.I would not be at all surprised if he is scared.Are you aware of what kind of support he wants through this time?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He told me he started to back away because I was asking for too much in the relationship. The more I tried to fix things, the worse it got. I want to make us better again, but I don't know how.", "answerText": "Have you asked your boyfriend directly this question?It is a good question and possibly would open a necessary clarifying discussion as to what each of you expects from the other."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even closer than what I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.", "answerText": "I wonder if you could have a conversation with your boyfriend about how you are feeling. A few things may help with that:Try having the conversation you are both able to have a conversation about something that is important (for example, not during a commercial for a TV show)Maybe your boyfriend will be willing to listen to you for about five minutes asking questions to learn more about your experience, kind of like an investigative reporter wouldSee if your boyfriend is able to capture the essence of what you're saying by summarizing it for youRemember that hearing you and following what you're saying does not mean that he agreesAlso consider if there are events in your past that are affecting the way you are looking at this relationship between your boyfriend and this other girl (we all bring our own histories into relationships and we unconsciously expect that what has worked in other relationships will work in current ones)Then you can switch so that you can hear more about what he is experiencing (for example, what it is that he likes about her)Also consider having a discussion that if one of you becomes very emotional and needs a break from the discussion, discuss having a timeout that will last for a certain time frame (usually between 15 minutes and one hour) and then come back to continue the discussionRemember that the goal here is just to learn more about what each of you is going through, not to find a solution right awayThis can be difficult. Consider working with a couples therapist to discuss it together."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even closer than what I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.", "answerText": "Well, as hurtful as witnessing your boyfriend's closeness with his female friend, I\"m glad you saw firsthand the dynamic of your concern.There isn't anything you can directly do to stop his relationship with this lady.It is possible to influence his side of their relationship.Directly telling him your discomfort with how close the two are, may make him pause before engaging with her in a discussion. This is nothing to count on since the control is in his hands and not yours.I'm sorry to read that the option to leave this relationship is out of the question.The only way left is to get used to the fact that you don't like this aspect of your boyfriend, and this is a disheartening outlook overall to you and to your relationship overall.If after repeated effort to influence him by your opinions, your effort to adjust to a situation you don't like, if at all possible, consider a longterm plan to discontinue this relationship because by that time it may feel very oppressive in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. When faced with these kinds of difficult challenges, I usually encourage people to look to their values for help in determining what their behavior should be. Indeed, it is usually when our behaviors conflict with our values that we don't feel very content with our lives. Perhaps you can take some time to think through a couple of these questions: What kind of person do I want to be deep in my heart? Whatkind of characterdo I want to have when in public and in my private world when nobody is watching? How would I want others to describe me? Let's say that you want others to see you as being authentic, and YOU also valueauthenticityas something you want to live by. You may feel like this value is currently at odds with the behaviors you are engaging in right now. That you are not being the person that you really are deep in your heart. This is not an unusual struggle when it comes to sexual behavior and sexual orientation. So please, try not to feel alone. We all know quite well how unacceptable it may be to be seen as gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. And I am not just talking about being unaccepted by others, but a person may have a VERY hard time accepting themselves. Thinking about your valuesand living a life based on them can bring a lot of freedom, but I won't lie, it can also bring a lot of pain at the same time. For example, someone with the value of living authentically may decide they have to tell others who they are and what they stand for, even if that means people may disapprove. That may cause a lot of pain, but it may also come with a sense of freedom to live a life based on honesty and authenticity. It may be helpful to find a counselor who is trained in affirmative therapy, which is recommended for people who are navigating their sexual behaviors and figuring out what is right for them. I would also sit down and think through some of the questions above and consider what your values are... both as an individual and as someone's fianc.Above all, I wish you well in this journey. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "It took a lot of courage to share what must be so shameful to you and to ask for help. Regardless of your sexual attraction/orientation, I'd encourage you to get honest with yourself and your partner/fiancee and put a temporary hold on your wedding plans -- getting married will NOT resolve your acting out. It seems to me you need more space, time to sort through with an experienced therapist more of your sex/sexuality story-line and apparent anxiety surrounding the upcoming nuptials. In the immediate I encourage you to also take the initiative to have yourself tested for STDs, etc. and if you've been sexually intimate with your partner/fiancee s/he needs to be similarly tested. Best wishes.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) The book \"Not Gay: Sex between Straight White Men\" by Jane Ward, 2)http://www.sca-recovery.org/, 3)https://slaafws.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Good for you to bring up this situation for addressing, especially before you and your partner are married and have all the legal responsibilities of married life.You gave yourself the biggest clue as to where to start solving this problem.Since you don't know what to do, then for right now postpone your wedding date.Whether your drive toward other men relates to feeling sexually unfulfilled with your fianc, or you're not as willing to commit to your fianc as you imagined yourself to be, or there are other relationship problems not being addressed with your fianc, these need to be identified and understood.Since marriage is a commitment of one's life to another person's life, then without the willingness to commit you are almost guaranteeing future problems in the upcoming marriage."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "I would start by examining the reasons for seeking out other relationships. Are you getting something from the other men that you do not currently receive from your current partner? Such as,is itmore exciting with others and that excitement is lacking in your current relationship?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Divorce is expensive emotionally and financially. If your fiance is not ok with an open marriage, it would be a good idea to seek the help of a counselor before you get married."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "If you are happy with the person that you are about to be married to and are also enjoying time with other men, it could be possible that you are attracted to people of more than one gender.Having said that, some people have feelings toward people of more than one gender that are not really related to romance or attraction, but any number of other feelings, such as trust and communication. I don't know whether your use of the phrase \"messing around\" was related specifically to being romantically or sexually involved with the people who you are or referring to or if you are saying that you are enjoying spending time with them. These terms have different definitions for almost everyone.I would definitely recommend speaking with a local mental health practitioner in your area, not because there is anything wrong about the way you are feeling, but because there are a lot of different parts of what is happening in your life right now and it may be helpful to talk about the feelings and thoughts with someone who can help you to learn more about yourself and the people are most important in your life (yourself included).I also suggest looking at a few things that you love and appreciate about yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and its with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.", "answerText": "Is being friends with this person safe for you?Liars don't generally distinguish who they bring down with them or in service to themselves.Step one is to understand a true friendship, which is based on trust, is probably not possible with this person.If you'd like to offer words of advice to protect her from herself then try gently pointing out that some of her actions which you know about, may come around to harm her.There is only a small chance she will be open to hearing you.People who lie are also very fearful of trusting others, including themselves. She may prefer to keep status quo than open her own emotional pain to understand what created the need to lie in the first place."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and its with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.", "answerText": "Have an honest and open conversation with her about how her behavior is negatively impacting you ( and others). You will feel good knowing you did the right thing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and its with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.", "answerText": "To be honest, I think more information would be really important here because what you are asking could have a lot of different meanings. Consider making an appointment with a local therapist to discuss what you are going through."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend lost his dad to suicide. He says that because his dad died, so did his heart. He says that he can't be there for me or love me anymore and wants nothing to do with me ever again. Why is he doing this when we were very happy together? He says that I have done nothing wrong but he just can't be with me.", "answerText": "I am sorry to learn of this. You must be extremely frustrated and heartbroken. To begin, he is correct. You have done nothing wrong. This is entirely a coping mechanism in overdrive. It is fear. It is anger. It is extreme sadness. It is feelings of abandonment. It is intense emotional pain. It is his way of protecting himself from potential unexpected additional loss.I am not familiar with how old this post is, but often, it will require time and understanding. If he speaks with you, encourage him to get grief counseling. Do not encourage it for your relationship, encourage it for his betterment coping with losing his dad. Start there. Good Luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't seem to get close to anyone else. I know I'm completely over him, but I just can't break down my walls and let someone new into my life.", "answerText": "Hi Bend, You're scared, right? That makes sense. Each time we have a break-up we are a bit more in touch with how much is at stake in this whole love and relationship business. We are falling in love and letting someone close to our hearts and there's a vulnerability in that; we can get hurt. Who you partner with long-term is a big decision and it determines 90% of our happiness in life.The good news is that when we're just starting to get to know someone, we can take it slow. I think maybe you are slowing yourself down instinctively here, and that's okay. We are naturally people of attachment and it won't likely last if you are normally an open and accessible person who doesn't put up walls. So part of what I want to say here is don't pressure yourself too much. Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow. :)As well, there are a few things you can do to make sure that the walls do eventually come down, or will come down for the right person.First, think about the lessons you learned from this past relationship. What do you feel proud of? What do you need in a partner? What mistakes did you make? Use this experience to grow in your awareness of how you work in a relationship and what you need from a partner.Look at your thoughts. Are you having generalized negative thoughts like \"No one will ever love me again?\", or \"I'm going to get hurt again\", or \"I can't trust myself\"? If so, write down what these thoughts are, and then ask yourself what evidence supports these thoughts. Fear tries to convince us that there is either something wrong with us or that something bad will happen, but it does so with little or no evidence of this ever happening!! It sells us a line based on no concrete evidence. Then ask yourself what evidence supports the opposite thought. What is the evidence that I am lovable... that there are safe, good people out there... that I can trust myself? Eliminate the negative thoughts, and add the positive ones. It's simple but very powerful.Lastly, take concrete and careful steps to act as though there are no walls. What is the evidence of the walls? Can you take purposeful baby steps in the direction of lowering those walls? When we act as though something is true, we start to feel it and believe it more.I hope you will find yourself back on track eventually, with time. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "You are in an abusive relationship-not because of your boyfriend's silences but because he is comfortable being sarcastic and hurtful, never admits he is wrong and never apologizes. It is your choice to participate in an abusive relationship. You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how wonderfully you treat your partner. You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship. I wish you well, always."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "This has to be very difficult to endure.It's pretty common for members of a couple to have different ways of resolving conflict. Very often, one person wants to deal with the conflict right away or shortly thereafter and the other person wants to wait. One thing that sometimes works is to consider having a conversation when you are not upset with one another about taking some sort of timeout and setting a timeframe for something like \"I cannot talk about this now, but we can talk about it in two hours.\"My best guess is that your boyfriend is triggered by some previous relationship, either romantic or in childhood. If he is aware of something that he thinks or feels when you ask him to resolve conflict or to discuss it, it would be good to know what that is. It could even be that he's learned to handle conflict that way.Something else you could try is to have a conversation where you each discuss what is acceptable for what is acceptable for each of you during an argument and what is not. These sorts of discussions can be very difficult and you may benefit from working through them with a mental health professional who has some experience working with couples.As far as what you can do now, perhaps you can remind yourself that these things have worked out before, that you love him and believe that he loves you, or some other statements that are true for you. You may also consider finding ways to soothe yourself. For example, you may find that you like certain outdoor activities or reading a certain type of book or something else that gives you pleasure."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "As you say, if he does reply it is hurtful. But, if he doesn't reply, it sounds like it's just as hurtful (though more in my opinion in terms of the longer-range effects on the relationship). The behavior he is exhibiting would easily pass for \"passive-aggression,\" as it is manipulative and controlling through passive withdrawal behaviors. And I can assure you that you are not alone in struggling with how to deal with it. So many do, and that's why it gets done so often, because it can. For example, if you push for connection, he stonewalls even more. You probably become more distressed.Frankly, if you and your boyfriend were sitting on my couch in therapy, I'd likely say that the behavior needs to stop in order for the relationship to continue, because of how severe it sounds (an hour of withdrawal because someone can't deal is reasonable, as everyone can shut down from time to time, but this feels extreme and is extremely hurtful to you.) I might even say to him that the behavior needs to stop if he ever wants to be in a healthy, loving, connected relationship. Because the amount that you describe him disconnecting severely hurts trust and security. One of the first \"change events\" in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy is for the person doing the withdrawing to be able to use words and communication to help the partner understand what they are experiencing, so the burden does fall more on him at the beginning. It becomes the partner's job to tolerate though whatever his experience is.There is no one \"tried and true\" solution to working with passive-aggression, but I would most advise limit-setting (like I would do in our session). In one way, shape, or form, in order for the behavior to stop, there has to be consequences to it. The more you tolerate it and allow him to come back to you when he's done with his silent tantrum, the more you encourage the behavior because he is getting what he wants."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "Try during a good moment between you to tell him you'd like to talk over something about your relationship and that you'd like to set a time with him to do so.When a person shuts down and withdraws, the only choice is to withdraw yourself. If this continues on a regular basis, after a while the two of you will become increasingly distant and have developed the very unhappy habit of not clearing the air between the two of you.Good for you to recognize a problem and be willing to address it!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "This sounds very hurtful for you to be on the receiving end of this. You can ask yourself \" what am I learning from the way I am being treated? \" and consider whether or not this is in fact either (1) A message or value that you agree with and believe will strengthen your relationship and help you to grow as a person or (2) A message or value that is damaging to the relationship or to your view of your self and others. Once you've considered that and come to your own conclusion, you will likely know what you need to do. If you're still stuck, you may want to consider seeing an individual therapist for yourself to process your feelings about the relationship or a couples therapist with your partner to work on improving your communication with each other."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband cheated while I was pregnant with our son with a so-called friend. This was before we were married. We split and eventually worked things out. I thought I trusted him so we got married. Now he flirts with girls in front of me. I've talked to him, but nothing helps.", "answerText": "This sounds very painful for you.Are you able to tell him how his flirting affects you?Maybe he doesn't care enough to change, and maybe he does.Long term if he continues this then usually people feel they have two choices, put up with it, which of course greatly reduces the sense of satisfaction in the relationship. Or, of course, you can decide to end the relationship. This choice is quite significant now that you have a child together. Give yourself plenty of time to think over the best outcome."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "The father of my kids and I have been broken up for about three years now. We always found our way back to each other. He had a baby with someone else he's with but still shows the same love he showed when we was together when he's around. He even gets jealous, but he ignores my calls.", "answerText": "Your story sounds like it gives you a great deal of tension and disappointment.You know you are not getting the amount of love and kind of relationship you'd like.It is almost as though you feel that \"something is better than nothing\".Reflect within yourself whether the balance of what you receive in this relationship is worth the sacrifice of not getting as much love as you wish.Depending on your decision you will know whether to drop this relationship or continue the same as its been."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every day for five years, my husband mentally abused me and said he will change. I have a child with him. I try so hard to stay strong for her, but at this point, I am completely broken. I am holding on to nothing but hope and have been for years. Is there any hope or am I wasting my time?", "answerText": "I think your own awareness will not allow you to continue in a bad relationship.Be glad something within you is telling you that there are better ways to be treated than how your husband does.For support and guidance in real time, look up the organizations in your area which help women to leave abusive relationships.You are not the first or only one and probably not the last woman who wants to leave an abusive partner. Having guidance particular to you and your situation will help you move through what decisions to make as to how to leave this man."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been disagreeing on a lot lately. It's really coming down to the fact that we want opposite things sometimes. I do a lot for him: I take care and protect him, and in the end, he still doesn't trust me. We've both come to the conclusion that when I want something and he doesn't want it, he's not willing to find a happy medium whatsoever. It's just non-negotiable. I'm not sure what to do honestly. He doesn't trust me as much as I wish he did. Honestly, sometimes I feel like his enemy, and it kills me.", "answerText": "Theres a difference between what you want, what you need and what you have. Being able to assertively identify express your wants and needs to your boyfriend may be helpful in times of negotiation. Often couples focus on recounting all the negative traits and issues when is time to negotiate and that impairs the ability to explore and find solutions objectively.You could use couples mediation to learn assertive communication skills and filter the information needed to resolve or negotiate a solution.Mi novio no transa conmigoltimamente, mi novio y yo hemos tenido muchos desacuerdos. Todo se debe al hecho de quequeremos cosas diferentes. Yo hago mucho por l, lo cuido y protejo, y al final, el no confa en m. Ambos hemos llegado a la conclusin que cuando yo quiero algo que l no quiere, l no est dispuesto a encontrar el punto medio. No es negociable. No estoy segura de que hacer. El no confa en mi tanto como quisiera que lo hiciera, a veces siento su enemiga y eso me mata.Hay una gran diferencia entre lo que quieres, lo que necesitas y lo que tienes. Poder identificar y expresar asertivamente lo que quieres y necesitas en tu relacin te ayudara en los momentos de negociacin. Muchas veces las parejas se enfocan en recontar todos los problemas y caractersticas negativas a la hora de negociar, y eso les impide hablar claramente del problema presente e identificar soluciones especficas.Pueden usar la mediacin de parejas para aprender tcnicas de comunicacin asertiva y tener asistencia filtrando e identificando la informacin que les ayudara a resolved o negociar una solucin al problema."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been pushing people away all my life. I finally have a great boyfriend who loves me, but I keep pushing him away and I don't want to. I need to learn to open up.", "answerText": "Figuring out the space we need between ourselves and others is an ongoing and unsolvable task. But it sounds like you may be feeling stuck in a pattern of pushing people away and are wanting to change that. Pushing others away may be your way of surviving relationships and may have proven to be very helpful at one point in your life. Or it may be serving some other purpose. One helpful way to consider changing that is to seek out a therapist. Psychotherapy can provide you with a relationship that is in tune to you and that can provide the reflection and supportive challenges to help determine the function the 'pushing away' is serving. It also may be helpful for you to take time to reflect on the moments when interpersonal guardedness snuck its way into the interaction. What were you feeling right before this? Did it provide relief? Reflecting on what was happening just before and right after can provide some clues as to what purpose the 'pushing away' serves.It may be helpful to communicate to the boyfriend how you experience intimacy and the discomfort it can bring you at times. This may help him be as sensitive as you need him to be about the pace of the relationship, and to understand what may be happening when you push him away."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been dating my boyfriend for eight years. We met in college off away from home and things went from good to bad when I met his family who treats him like he is their man. They expect him to take them on dates like to the movies and out to eat when they come around, and he thinks it's okay.", "answerText": "Well, then you learned something new about your boyfriend!Are you fine with having a different opinion than him and staying together.Think over how major a problem this is to you and if it is reason enough to leave the relationship.There are always plenty of areas of disagreement between partners in a relationship.The key to being happy is to know which ones you can accept and which ones are beyond your tolerance with which to live.Also, an early step would be to directly tell your boyfriend your opinion. He may be willing to change his ways to satisfy you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He's lied about his past/present situations. Since time has passed, he has changed, but I still have my doubts. I have no idea if I should stay or go, but I hate this feeling. I don't trust him all too much, but yet he hasn't done anything for me not to trust him recently.", "answerText": "Your doubts about your dating partner need to be addressed and solved so you can fully believe him again.Otherwise how would you actually know whether he's lying to you now or not?Start the conversation with him about wanting to trust him and asking for whatever details you feel will give you confidence he is telling you the truth.If he really wants to clear your doubts then he will be willing to invest in answering your extra questions or wanting to look through his phone or whatever areas you felt were violated by him in the past."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc of 15 years is always helping out his family, and I feel like his family takes advantage of his kindness. We're about to get married this Saturday, but I feel like he is always gonna put them first instead of myself and our three kids. I am not enjoying our engagement at all.", "answerText": "Congrats on your upcoming wedding!Have you told the thoughts you write here, to your fianc ?This is the place to start since you clearly are unhappy with a part of his and now your life, which will be with you for quite some time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "The eight months I've been dating my boyfriend, I have lied about a lot of things. I slept with a couple guys to get back at my boyfriend for breaking up with me. Now anything I say to him he won't believe, even if I'm being honest. I don't know what else to do at this point. He constantly criticizes me.", "answerText": "Start a conversation with him about your sincere interest to earn back his trust.Ask him what he expects from you so that he will trust you again.If you are consciously willing and do try to earn back his trust, and have periodic conversations with him on whether he feels more at ease with trusting you, then after a few months of this, both of you should feel more secure in the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Someone I care about told me I'm not teachable and I'm irritating. I just want to be happy and wanted to please the person, but I always fall short it seems.", "answerText": "Pleasing someone certainly does feel satisfying. If the other person does not appreciate your effort and good will then this feels dissatisfying.Offering happiness to someone does not include tolerating mean comments such as the ones you describe here.Tell the person that you are trying to please them and also tell the person that their comments are hurtful.If the person said their words with no bad intentions then next time they comment its reasonable to expect these comments to not hurt your feelings.Keep in mind that your good intentions may not be received in the way you intend them. Some people, sometimes are insensitive or just plain not interested in being pleased by another person."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been in a relationship for almost a year, and I absolutely trust my boyfriend. He treats me nice, checks on me, and tells me sweet things. However, when it comes to making life decisions, I feel he is very immature. I try to talk things out so we can compromise or make sound decisions together, but he lacks any ideas and prefers to just go with anything to avoid fighting. As far as dates, if I don't say anything, plan it, or have money to chip in, we will not go. I feel like I put in a lot of work supporting and sometimes spoiling, and all I get is a loyal man who will not cheat and say sweet things on occasion.", "answerText": "Well, then your decision is whether you want to stay in this type of relationship or not.One point to keep in mind is this.Just because he's not telling you his opinions doesn't mean he doesn't have any opinions.In the long run t is always easier to talk with someone about their differences from our point of view than to be someone who doesn't tell you what is in their mind.Short term it seems easy to have someone agreeable.Long term someone who doesn't tell you their thoughts and who disagrees with you, may potentially go about their true wishes in hidden ways."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My best friend and I've been really close for almost three years. She lives in the UK, and I live in the US. Ever since her boyfriend flew from Oregon to Scotland, I've been angry at him. Ever since he came into her life, he took her away from me. My best friend would always say sorry, and I'm sick of it.", "answerText": "You are definitely in a frustrating situation.Your friend and the boyfriend are doing what is natural for couples who are in the early stage of their relationship. Being almost inseparable to the point of overlooking friends, is understandable as long as it doesn't continue for long enough that friends feel hurt.If you feel you would like to one more time tell your friend that you miss your friendship with her and would like her attention, then do so.After expressing your needs as much as possible and if the result doesn't change, then the sad conclusion is that your friend is willing to give you less time and energy than you require from her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I found the guy Im dating on dating websites. He was telling women that they were beautiful. He said it wasnt him and that the phone was hacked. It has since happened two other times. He says he loves me and Im the only girl he wants to be with, but I feel he is not telling me the truth.", "answerText": "Tell him what you know and ask why he is lying to you. If he tells you he isn't lying and you have proof that he is, then you can either accept that he denies the truth or not."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I found the guy Im dating on dating websites. He was telling women that they were beautiful. He said it wasnt him and that the phone was hacked. It has since happened two other times. He says he loves me and Im the only girl he wants to be with, but I feel he is not telling me the truth.", "answerText": "I would suggest possibly talking about the type of relationship that both of you want to create. For example, you may want a relationship where honesty, listening, compassion, and romanticism are major parts. You could also see what your boyfriend wants.You may also consider taking five minutes to see if he will listen to your feelings about him being on the dating site and whether he can work to learn more about what you are experiencing with asking open-ended questions (not being answered with yes or no) and restating what you are saying to see if he has it right. After that, perhaps you could switch so that you can listen to his perspective for five minutes and learn more about what he is doing by asking open-ended questions.Remember that it takes two people to have a relationship, so the choice is yours as to whether you choose to stay in the relationship and what kind of relationship you would like to have."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?", "answerText": "First off, don't blame yourself or be too quick to jump to any scary conclusions. Human sexuality can be incredibly complex at times (e.g., what turns us on at one time may not be what turns us on the next time).There could actually be a number of things going on including him having performance anxiety...maybe he had a bad experience with a previous partner that's left him scared to try again (we call this operant conditioning). It could also be that he puts you in a different category than previous lovers. Sometimes I refer to this as the \"hooker-housewife mentality\" where a partner somehow gets the idea that when we truly fall in love, we treat that one differently; almost up on a pedestal. Drives many partners crazy until they're aware that this is going on and give their boyfriend/ girlfriend permission to enjoy both the naughty and the nice with them.It could also be that he's not even aware that he's not doing these things. If you haven't asked him yet, you might try gently approaching the subject when you're not already in the bedroom or trying to get in on and inquire what he most enjoys about sex with you (or has enjoyed in the past, or thinks he might enjoy). You can also share your favorite highlights of sex with him. Give him an ego boost and tell him what he does well while then asking him if he'd be down to go downtown. \"Baby, it REALLY turns me on when you kiss me during sex.\"If you continue to get the impression that it's somehow only about YOU or that he's just really hesitant to talk about sex in general, you might see if he'd be cool to chat with a counselor who specializes in sexual intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?", "answerText": "Ask him!Having a conversation about sexual satisfaction increases emotional intimacy.Not only will you potentially feel more deeply connected from a sincere conversation about your sexual questions, maybe this increased emotional closeness will inspire the sexual closeness you wish to receive."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He said that if I were to visit my mother, he will be gone when I get back. My boyfriend and I hit a rough patch in our relationship a few months back, and my mom had a few choice words with him.", "answerText": "Your boyfriend and you have a separate relationship than your relationship with your mother. By trying to control whether or not you visit your mom, unless you are in agreement with this, is building tension between you and him.Ask why he resents your interest to see your mother.If he is insecure to the point where he fears your mother will influence your opinion about him, then trying to prevent you from visiting your mom is itself creating negativity in you toward him.If something still bothers him about the problems you both had several months ago, then talking about these problems will do more to clear the air between the two of you than him trying to interfere in your relationship with your mother."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "You are not a pedophile. You are both under 18 and your age is appropriate for a relationship. There would be a possible problem if she was 10 or younger.Pedophelia, is a whole other problem that you probably should not be worried about. I would be happy to talk with you in more detail about this."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "Nope! In fact you are NOT a pedophile. That term is reserved for older adolescents attracted to children, or adults who are attracted to children. I see an age difference as being one key factor in determining pedophilia if the older person is still in adolescence. You being only a year older than your girlfriend doesn't qualify, so go right ahead and be attracted to your girlfriend without shame!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "You wrote that each of you is under the age of 18. A 15 year old cannot be a pedophile because you're not an adult.Also, if you mean \"girlfriend\" in a romantic way then this makes sense bc romantic relationships include physical attraction to the other person."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "No. You are not a pedophile. You are both under the appropriate age where it would be seen so. Your both only a year a part so this shouldn't a worry to you. Like Frank said below, Pedophelia is a problem that won't apply to this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "No, that's perfectly normal. You're under 18, too. You're only a year older than she is. This is absolutely normal. What would be wrong is if you did anything to her against her will. Always remember that NO means NO, respect her, respect yourself, and be a normal teenager! Have a healthy relationship. Holding hands, kissing, and more should only be done when both are comfortable with it and agree to it. Although it is frowned upon by a lot of people, it's no secret that teenagers do have sex (even if their parents and perhaps religion would definitely not want them to do it). Only you can make the choice that is right for you. Just be responsible in the choices you make. Some states have laws on what age is old enough for consensual sex. You'd be surprised how young those ages are. A 14 year old having sex with a 20 year old would be against the law, but someone the same age as her, or just one year older is not. \"Wrong\" can be defined in a lot of different ways, though. Is it against the law? No. Is it against your religion? I can't answer that for you.You can, however, have a relationship that is not physical in any way. It's okay to just be with her and enjoy her company. You can hang out, watch movies together, go on dates, do whatever it is that both of you enjoy doing. Your relationship can be anything you want it to be."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "Thanks for asking this question. I think the most important part of what you mentioned was that you do it because it makes you happy. For that reason, I would encourage you to keep doing what makes you happy.As far as telling girls or keeping it a secret, I don't really think that it's necessarily one or the other, at least not the first time that you meet. In other words, one part of your decision-making could be whether it is something that you always want to address in the first date, or perhaps something that you address after you've known each other for a couple of meetings. The answer to that question may also change depending on who you are dating. I would imagine that each person that you are with mainly due to a different decision this was when to disclose this.It sounds like this is an important part of you, so I would think that if you were going to date someone long-term, you would want them to know about the most important parts of you, including that.I also encourage you to remember that if you meet someone who is not comfortable with this, that does not mean that there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but rather something that the other person is in some way deciding not to continue learning about or choosing to have someone they are dating like to cross-dress.I'd also ask you to consider this: Are the people who you say this to expecting it? My guess is that the answer is probably not. Along with that, Are they going to have questions? I would imagine so.Are you comfortable answering questions?I wonder if you could figure out yourself or with friends (or perhaps even with a therapist) how you would answer these sorts of questions:What exactly is cross-dressing?Does that change the gender that you're attracted to?What does it mean to you?Why is it important to you?And what you want your listening person to know about you related to cross-dressing.There could even be ways that you can start the conversation by asking them to be open to listen to you and ask questions about what they are thinking before they make any quick decisions about you or the relationship.I certainly hope that you find the right person for you. I imagine that having this conversation could be stressful, especially considering the idea that you have had some negative reactions in the past. Remember that talking this through with a therapist could be very helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "Keep doing the crossdressing since you like it.Your problem sounds more a matter of timing and reason to tell the girl about it.Not keeping a secret is a good attitude regarding meaningful parts of your life. Usually our relationship partner is someone whom we trust as a safe person to know all about us.Once you feel at ease with your potential partner then bring up your crossdressing. Based on their handling of this intimate part of your life, you will know more as to whether or not you feel more or less drawn to them.Secrets held within a relationship usually get worse with time. The person who feels unsafe in truly being and stating themselves eventually will end up feeling ashamed of parts of them which prior to the relationship, felt good or at least not worrisome."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "It would be my professional opinion that the desire for you to keep it a secret at all, while yes I could see it as \"giving you a chance with a girl,\" is something that might be more about a discomfort for you. If you are comfortable with your kinks and fetishes (if I may call it such, not my intention to pathologize in any way though), then be as open as you want to be. But I also don't know that you need to be announcing it as part of your online dating profile (because you do say it \"bothers girls I ask out\" which to me implies that that is what you're leading with.) My hope is that people don't make dating decisions based on your kinky behaviors, but more likely that they would make decisions based on your own comfort and security with said kinky behaviors."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "Your happiness and healthiness is key. I would not suggest that you hold back and keep it a secret. You should be up-front about it, but perhaps gently bring it up on a date. When thinking about whether or not you should stop, think about how it makes you feel. Perhaps try to be social at more accepting affirming locations in your area. The people who will accept you for who you are are out there. You may not be looking in all of the places you have available to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "While this might not be the first thing you want to discuss when you meet someone, it is important for you to be yourself. It's better to weed out 10 people who can't accept you to find that one who can."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Years resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on boardno more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleepit's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.", "answerText": "As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters. His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing. He doesn't sound like this, at least now."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Years resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on boardno more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleepit's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.", "answerText": "It can be very frustrating being lied to. The one thing that struck me was the sentence he had a alcohol addiction \"in the past.\" Addiction is not something that comes and goes. Once you have addict tendencies they are here to stay. You may be able to fight them off for awhile but the will enviably rear their ugly head again. Some of the things that we would suggest is taking the access away. If the alcohol is not conveniently in the house he would have to go seek it out elsewhere. You can think about it in other terms. If chocolate cake was your favorite food and you were a diabetic, you would not have chocolate cake lying around all the time because you know you would eventually eat it. Remember there are no temporary addicts."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear of your problem.First step as always when a possible medical explanation exists, go for a urology check up to either your internist or a urologist.Once you know there is no medical reason which would prevent an erection, then we can consider the psychological and emotion based factors.Maybe you're nervous about your sexual performance or that your gf may be disappointed in your performance.Men often mistake their own fears of performance failure with the assumption that their partner thinks about sex as a performance.Talk with your gf about whatever is on your mind which may inhibit you from enjoying sex.The reasons are endless.What matters is to have a heartfelt dialogue with each other.The emotional support which comes through such an intimate conversation may very well be the catalyst for a more relaxed and satisfying approach to sex w your gf."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "First off, I want to acknowledge the emotional pain you must be experiencing about not being able to experience an erection -- you're not alone. And, it took a lot of courage for you to post your query here. Below you will find excellent advice from skilled clinicians regarding your question and concern. If you haven't done so already I'd encourage you to checkout the Mayo Clinic's website on this very topic (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047).Once you've ruled out any medical-organic issues with either your PCP or Urologist I recommend you work with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and/or Certified Sex Therapist (CST) and do some psychotherapy around attachment/family-of-origin, intimacy, self-image, trauma history, sex history, pornography, etc. ). There is hope."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "Sexual desire seems to be straightforward - I like someone and I become aroused at the thoughts of being intimate with them - but that idea does not always take into account other factors.Stress can have a huge effect on our body and how it performs. When we are overstressed, for example, we often find ourselves ill at the same time. Can you think of any part of your world that may be causing you some additional stress? Additionally, focusing on your erection may also be increasing the level of stress you feel about being intimate, which could also effect your ability to get and maintain an erection. While this may seem counter intuitive, it makes sense in the word of stress!Finally, it's never a bad idea to follow up with your doctor, as well. You did not mention your age or sexual history outside of this relationship, but it is always a good idea to check in with medical staff to make sure there is nothing physically responsible for changes in our body, as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.", "answerText": "When \"threats\" of leaving, such as what you described in your question (\"kicking you out, wanting divorce\") are continuous in your marriage, it can start to erode at the foundation of your relationship, impacting both partners. And, if you're concerned about the influence of another male in the relationship, and are unable to express your concerns or fears to your wife, it's extremely difficult to build a secure functioning relationship.From the information provided in your question, it seems as if there is some avoidance evident in your relationship. Avoidance of being able to express yourself and have honest communication about your relationship. If your wife is willing, I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor to help you both during this time. Or, for you to talk with an individual therapist, if marriage counseling isn't an option."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.", "answerText": "This has to be very confusing.I wonder if the two of you would be able to have a conversation about what it is that she would like you to know about what happened yesterday and the day before so you know what message she wanted you to get out of all of that.I would also recommend seeing a local mental health professional. If you go yourself, you could at least discuss your marriage and your own thoughts and feelings about it. If you go together, I would suggest you see a therapist who specializes in couples."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.", "answerText": "Divorce is a serious, life altering decision.It is best to decide any serious matter through reflection and discussion.Start by knowing what you want from the marriage and why you are willing to move in or out of your own house because your wife tells you to do this.Each of you would benefit from more clarity of what you expect and would like from each other.Does your wife want a boyfriend in addition to the marriage to you?Is she willing to drop the male contact?Does she care how you feel about her contact with the other guy?You need answers and knowledge about the definition of your marriage.Since there are many areas to open, all of which are filled with emotion, including pain, if you're not able to make satisfactory progress then a licensed couples therapist may be useful to you and your partner."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend shows affection, but I just push him away. Every time my boyfriend tries to kiss, hug, or touch me I almost always push him away. I'm on birth control and it has killed my sex drive. I love him so much. Why do I do this?", "answerText": "There could be many reasons that you push your boyfriend away. It could be part of how you were raised, it could be because of culture, it could even be your own insecurities about yourself that are then outwardly manifested in you \"pushing\" him away.What is important in all this is that you both find a way to connect. So what if you aren't a hugger, a kisser, or a toucher you have to find what works for the both of you and your relationship. There are many ways to show affection that aren't physical (words of affirmation, giving of time and/or gifts, etc). If your boyfriend wants the physical attention then work on ways that are comfortable for the both of you making sure to start out slow and to work your way up to more physical touching."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend shows affection, but I just push him away. Every time my boyfriend tries to kiss, hug, or touch me I almost always push him away. I'm on birth control and it has killed my sex drive. I love him so much. Why do I do this?", "answerText": "Are you sure it is only the birth control pills which has changed your sex drive?My guess would be that possibly due to the hormonal changes of the pill, your own awareness and understanding of yourself in this relationship, is what is actually changing.Birth control pills control ovulation. They don't directly prevent people from all desire to express affection.Allow yourself some time to reflect on how you feel toward your BF. It is possible the birth control pills triggered a change in your attitude toward him.And, maybe independent of the pill, maybe you just are done with the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Do you want to be upset about a girl that he forgot about? Think about it for a minute. Do you want to measure your trust based on knowing how many female co-workers your husband has? And if so, what does that say about your marriage? Trust is something that we earn based on our actions and the actions of people we interact with; its also based on our ability to communicate and understand what we value and have in common. If you are focused on every little detail around your relationship, it may turn into an unhealthy obsession and it may harm your relationship more. If instead you focus on opening the lines of communication, let him know what you expect from him, and discuss how you could both build trust again, you may become closer and give your relationship the opportunity to grow. Debera este molesta porque mi esposo me minti de nuevo?Estoy tratando de hacer que mi matrimonio funcione despus de una separacin. Antes de separarnos el menta mucho y rompa todas sus promesas. No creo que me haya sido infiel. El mes pasado, le pregunt cuantas mujeres trabajan con l, y l me dijo. Ayer, me enter que se olvido de una muchacha. Debera estar enojada?Quieres estar molesta porque se le olvido con cuantas mujeres trabaja? Pinsalo por un momento. Quieres determinar la confianza que le tienes en tu esposo basndote en su capacidad de reportar la cantidad de mujeres que trabajan con l? Si tu respuesta es s, qu refleja eso sobre tu matrimonio? La confianza es algo que se gana basado en nuestras acciones y las de aquellos con quienes interactuamos; tambin en nuestra habilidad de comunicar y entender los valores que tenemos en comn.Si practicas estar preocupada por cada pequeo detalle en tu relacin, esto se puede convertir en una obsesin que potencialmente daara tu relacin. Si en cambio te enfocas en abrir las lneas de comunicacin, le dejas saber lo que esperas de l y discuten cmo pueden trabajar juntos para recuperar la confianza, pueden volverse ms cercanos y darse la oportunidad de que la relacin crezca."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Imagine your best friend just told you that her husband lied to her all the time and that he had broken every promise he ever made to her. What would you tell her? If I were her best friend I'd tell her to run the other way.You may love this man. We don't choose who we love. But the evidence is pretty clear, isn't it?A healthy relationship cannot be built on a foundation of lies and broken promises. I believe that as adults, we are always treated as well as we insist on being treated by our partners. If you continue to accept unacceptable behavior, you are likely to see lots more of it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Let's look at your question and break it down. It begins with the word should. As a first reflection, it implies that there is a right and a wrong way to feel, in this case, feel upset. I think I would like to ask you the question in a different way: are you feeling upset? If you are feeling upset or if you are feeling another emotion : insert worried, ambivalent, scared, angry, insecure, confused that is likely reasonable if the relationship has undergone some breaks in trust followed by distance (seperation). The first step is to recognize what you are feeling, and accept it for what it is-- an emotion. A feeling. You are entitled to feel a range of emotions as you are in the process of repairing or rebuilding the marriage. It is what you dowith that feeling that matters-- how you act, how you think, what you say, and the impact the emotion (likely emotions) have onyour relationship and in turn your quality of life that matters. If you want to discuss the impact of your feelings on you or on your marriage, I suggest you consult with a mental health professional with expertise in couple therapy/ relationship issues. I hope you find this information helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "In response to your answer. Yes because he broke a boundary of yours that he knew was important to you. The question that should be asked is are you able to go forward with your husband with his behaviors not changing for the better in regards to your feelings and emotions?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Is really difficult to tell whether he honestly forgot about someone or whether he was really lying again.I don't know whether he would be open to having a discussion with you about your concerns about this and whether you would be actually willing to listen to your thoughts about it.This might be something to discuss with a local therapist so that you can look at the patterns of lying in the past as well as whether you have a way to discuss this with your husband in the way that you would feel comfortable feeling vulnerable with your own feelings and also listening to what his responses are.This is difficult because I imagine you have a react very quickly and strongly to things like this because of what has happened in the past between you. All of this make sense. Having said that, there is also a question of whether he is telling the truth in this particular case and your reaction is based on past events.There's no easy way to know.If you do decide to have a discussion with your husband about it, consider these things:Ask if this is a good time to have a conversation about something that is important to youMaybe you will be able to listen and ask questions about what came up for him (emotionally) when he realized that he didn't tell you about this other personMaybe he would be willing to listen to what you are thinking about if you are both able to do so without blaming, pointing fingers, or asking the other person to change. This would just be an exchange of information. Ideally this part of the competition would not be about you saying he did something wrong, but just expressing how you felt when you heard about itIt may be helpful to discuss these things with a therapist first so you have some coping skills for being able to listen to him without being overly defensive and also expressing your feelings without blaming, both of which would be very natural in this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "I would ask you first what made you give him another chance after he repeatedly lied and broke every promise to you? I would imagine if he repeatedly lied to you that it will damage your ability to trust him now. Is he in therapy? Does he recognize that he has a problem and is he trying to repair it? Even if he truly forgot to tell you about the woman at work I think the real issue here is TRUST. I am not saying that he doesn't have a lying problem. Instead of asking someone else if you should be upset, ask yourself how you truly feel about him and this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Are you upset, is the more pertinent question.Everyone has their own tolerance for lies and their unique reasons for being married. Trust your own answers to the question you ask here.Also, think over the value of your marriage in your life and whether you are able to live with the unstable sense of trust that you have in your husband.Remember too, that if you are the only partner who is trying to make the marriage work, then your job is much harder than if your husband actively participated in making the marriage happier for the couple."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fiance is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just dont care enough when its about her feeling or when she is having an off day.", "answerText": "I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship, but I want to say that you cannot possibly be responsible for anyone else's happiness. If you are interested in a good read on this topic, I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fiance is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just dont care enough when its about her feeling or when she is having an off day.", "answerText": "One thing you could try is to have a conversation when neither of you is upset so that you learn what makes each of you feel cared for and valued. It could be that you are showing caring in a way that doesn't quite match what she is really looking for in that moment. For example, having an in-depth conversation could be something that you want, but she may just want a hug in that moment.I don't know if you heard of Gary Chapman's book about love languages, but it may be helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger.", "answerText": "I'd be more worried generally about a fiancee who assumes you are responsible for tracking what in fact are his responsibilities, than about the anger per se.What you describe holds the seeds of classic abusive behavior, which is blaming the partner for what in fact are the person's own responsibilities.Start by withdrawing yourself from paying his bills.If he is on his own in terms of tracking what and when is due regarding his auto policy, then surely the only one for him to blame will be himself.Stay clear of involving yourself in doing favors for him if the favor involves something that he is the one accountable.Tell him it is so the relationship remains fair for each of you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger.", "answerText": "A few things come to mind. I wonder if your fianc is still angry about it or if he was angry in that moment and has now worked through it.It sounds like there was also a difference in expectations here. You were just paying the bill with the money he was giving to you and he may have assumed you were reading it. You thought that you were following his directions. It could be that you could have a discussion about it, but that depends on how much of a hot button issue it still is for either of you.If you're going to talk about it, I might suggest asking whether this would be a good time to have a discussion about what happened with the automobile insurance so that you can both use the opportunity to learn more about yourselves and each other around this particular issue."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.", "answerText": "The comments here from the other therapists are \"spot on\". As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist-Candidate I'm convinced your partner's acting out creates trauma for you. Your partner's addiction is NOT your fault and his recovery IS his responsibility. What's paramount is for you to get immediate help from an experienced therapist who understands trauma as result of the partner's/spouse's problematic sexual behaviors. Your needs, safety, and the establishment of reasonable boundaries is vital to your well-being. I wish you the very best.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) https://www.iitap.com/, 2)https://www.sanon.org/, 3)http://www.cosa-recovery.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.", "answerText": "There is a lot of information out there right now about how porn is harmful...to a person's brain chemistry, to a relationship and one's ability to love, and to how men see women and sex in general. Your partner demonstrates a clear disregard for your needs. There is evidence, as you suggest, that there is addiction here. I recommend seeing a therapist who can help you sort out where to go from here."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.", "answerText": "It sounds like your in quite a rough place, my recommendation just based on what you type might warrant a visit to a psychotherapist to resolve what may be going on, I am not entirely sure but it sounds like he might have a bit of a sex addiction problem. One thing you need to ask yourself is \"Am I happy?\", \"Do I feel loved?\", these are deep questions, but the answers to those questions will give you a direction to travel in."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.", "answerText": "Feeling rejected and frustrated is a reasonable reaction to your experience with your husband. I want to encourage you that his actions may have little to do with you, and regardless of outcomes, I hope you find the help you need to process through your pain and still have hope for your marriage. If your husband was to work with me I'd explore with him his understanding of, and experience with, intimacy in relationship with others.Furthermore, like other male clients of mine, I'd challenge your husband to secure an updated full medical exam from his PCP (primary care physician) and/or urologist in order to identify or rule out any organic issues which may be causing his apparent lack of desire for sexual intimacy. If there are no physical issues, per se, I would encourage your husband to process further his family of origin story-line regarding rules, roles, sex, and sexuality along with working through his sexual and trauma histories."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.", "answerText": "This could have many different origins. Have you tried asking him about it? Sometimes starting with asking whether he would be open to having an important discussion can be a good beginning. If that starts well, perhaps continuing with something like \"I've noticed that we haven't been together intimately (or whatever phrasing works for you) as much lately. Can you tell me more about what it's like for you?\"When asking questions like this, it usually helpful to not overuse (and perhaps try to avoid using) the word \"why.\" That word tends to trigger really strong emotional reactions in people. Try starting with \"what makes\" Instead. For example, \"what made you choose not to do that?\""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.", "answerText": "Every area in a relationship, including intimacy, experiences a decline after the initial honeymoon period. Couples have to work to maintain the spark. Find a moment to talk to your husband about your concerns, and suggest ways to rekindle your sexual life, be open to listen to his concerns and demands as well. But dont forget that sex the fun part of being with someone, play, flirt, joke and keep looking for ways to continue falling for each other. Mi esposo solo tiene relaciones conmigo una vez al mes o menos. Me siento rechazada y frustrada. Esto no es nuevo. El primer mes que estuvimos juntos, tenamos sexo casi todos los das. Luego se redujo a una vez por semana. Amo a mi esposo, pero esto me causa dificultad.Todas las reas de una relacin, incluyendo la intimidad, sufren altas y bajas luego del periodo de la luna de miel. Las parejas tienen que trabajar para mantener la chispa. Encuentra un momento para hablar con tu esposo sobre tu preocupacin, y sugiere maneras de reencender su vida sexual, est atenta a escuchar sus preocupaciones y sugerencias al igual. No olvides que el sexo es una de las partes ms divertidas de una relacin, jueguen, coqueteen, bromeen y continen buscando maneras de enamorarse otra vez."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.", "answerText": "Have you said anything to your husband about the way you're feeling?Start with this.Sex is after all, a two person enterprise.If he would like to talk about the way you're feeling, great and wonderful. The two of you already are continuing to grow trust in your communication and relationship.If he doesn't want to talk about how you're feeling, then you're facing a different problemYour feelings are real and need to be handled.If you end up facing your feelings of frustration about your husband not wanting to have sex with you, on your own, then does your husband give you a truthful sounding reason as to why not?Ask what explains his disinterest in having sex with you.If he doesn't want to address this question, then you are a little further down the rung of trust and care about you.Depending on how satisfied you are with his answers, will guide you on how much dissatisfaction you can live with and why, longterm."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and sexually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it.", "answerText": "I wonder if both you and your boyfriend could have a conversation about what you both want, wish for, and desire from one another right now. That doesn't necessarily mean that your partner will give everything that you ask for, but this is one of the ways that he can learn more about what would help you through this and you can learn how you could support him, since traditional medical treatment is not something he wants.You may also consider using some open-ended questions (not yes or no answers) to talk about what you're feeling about both about his cancer and about your relationship. Both of you may discuss different ways that you would like support from one another.I would also see if he was comfortable with you disclosing this to one or a few of your close friends (with him considering doing the same) so that you both have support that includes each other and also includes others because there may be days when you both have a negatively emotional day at the same time and would benefit from talking with someone else.It may also be a matter of conversation to discuss what makes you happy together and use those positive moments to help move through more difficult ones."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and sexually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry about this life-altering situation that both you and your boyfriend are going through. To be sure, this is a devastating and lonely road for both of you. I say lonely because when things like this happen we often don't know what to say to each other, and so we suffer in silence with little support.Here are a few thoughts that I am having, and perhaps others will add things, too:1. By the sound of your main question, it seems like you have every intention to be there for your boyfriend during this difficult time. I am not sure if he is willing to talk about his health situation, but letting him know that you want to support him and also need his support may be helpful. 2. If it is possible, see if he would be willing to go to a counselor with you. There are many things that a counselor could focus on that may help your relationship, but also help you both cope with what is happening.3. If he refuses to seek support, you may want to consider going on your own. If you can't afford it, sometimes hospice organizations offer support groups and other services. It is very important not to neglect yourself. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im in a relationship with my child's father. Im a really jealous person. We dont go out or do anything with other people because of me. To keep our relationship going, I know I have to stop being jealous, but I cant. How can I get over these issues?", "answerText": "It may be important to look at this as getting through something rather than \"getting over it.\" If you're aware of the reasons why you are jealous, I don't know if they relate to this relationship or a previous one, but you could remind yourself of the differences if your feelings of jealousy relate to something from your past.Also, it may be beneficial to have a conversation with your child's father if you are both open to having a discussion about this in a way that you summarize what each other is saying so you are sure that you are understanding each other, at least to some degree.Also, consider what you may want from your child's father to assist you with this. You cannot make him do anything to support you with this, but you can certainly ask.What is something you could start or stop doing to move you toward your goal?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s, and I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. My boyfriend has always been the sweetest guy until recently. He has made comments such as you would look better as a Tumblr girl\" or \"you should start doing more squats.\" It's really hurtful.", "answerText": "My first thought was that I wondered what changed recently. Is he open to having a discussion about this so you can ask questions such as that one?It's possible that he does not understand the degree to which it hurts you.Try asking if there is a time that would be good to have a discussion that is important. I don't know how well the two of you have communicated over the last year, but if you are concerned about this turning into an argument, you may consider asking him to just listen to your point of view and see if he is able to summarize it correctly. Then you can listen to his side of the concern."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s, and I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. My boyfriend has always been the sweetest guy until recently. He has made comments such as you would look better as a Tumblr girl\" or \"you should start doing more squats.\" It's really hurtful.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that you are experiencing this. To be honest, this kind of behavior is really emotionally abusive, and you likely know that already. The unfortunate truth is, there is very little we canactuallydo to change another adult's behavior if they are not interested in changing it. Many people who behave in this way actually feel justified in saying what they say, or even believe that they are \"helping\" in some way by telling you how to improve yourself. What is actually going on is an attempt to control or change something about you by being coercive and abusive. It is important to know that this kind of behavior doesn't necessarily show up right away. That is why I am not surprised that you are a year in to this relationship and are just now noticing these behaviors. Some people actually don't see them until they are already married! You didn't mention that there has been any physical abuse, but I would warn you that this is sometimes a possibility once a person has already begun to be emotionally abusive. Other things to watch out for is your boyfriend trying to control who you hang out with, what you do and how you dress, etc. These are just more examples of emotional abuse and control. Here are some things to consider and some ideas:1. You could talk to your boyfriend about this behavior, if you believe it is safe to do so. Perhaps he will recognize that his behavior is not okay, and change. If not, then you may need to decide what you want to do about this relationship, given the fact that you cannot force him to change. 2. You can call a local domestic violence program. They do not only work with people who have been physically abusedor have been married. They are trained to talk about emotional abuse, also. It may be a good thing for support. Your calls are confidential. 3. Check out the wheel in the link below. On it you will find some other common ways that abuse can happen in a relationship. If any of these are happening to you, or begin to happen, talking to a domestic violence program, a trusted friend or family member, ora counselor would be a good idea.http://www.domesticviolence-wilm.org/Portals/97/Images/violence_wheel.gif Be well.... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend remains friends with ex boyfriends/lovers on Facebook who actively like and comment on posts. It causes me to get jealous because I'm afraid they might reconnect somehow. I've attempted to talk to her about it, but she avoids it and doesn't seem to worry about how I feel about it.", "answerText": "Talking about it would probably be helpful if you're both in a place where you can decide when is best to talk about something that is important. It may also be helpful to ask if you could talk for two or three minutes to make a point and then have space for her to talk for the same amount of time. You can adjust the timing for what works for both of you. After one of you is talking, perhaps you could restate what you have heard the person say. This can lessen confusion.I know you say that she avoids it. It might be a good place to start talking about it to see what makes her avoid it. It could be that she thinks any discussion about them is going to lead to an argument or you saying that she can't talk to them. I don't know how you typically react when you are jealous, but if you can discuss talking about this in a way that you are both open to hearing what the other person is experiencing, that may be helpful as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Nothing we've tried has worked so far.", "answerText": "Sexual attraction is often discussed on a continuum. If you are saying that you are not attracted to your girlfriend, you could try changing what you do during sexual intimacy. You could also try slowly using nonsexual touch and discussing what you each like and would prefer to do more of compared to what is not as desirable. After doing this for nonsexual touching, it can also be used with sexual touching. Looking at more of what you like or would like to feel may be of help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Nothing we've tried has worked so far.", "answerText": "Probably what you should do is decide whether you can continue having a romantic and sexual relationship with someone to whom you don't feel like having sex.Five years is long enough to know that the way you feel toward your partner is more than likely going to remain this way.Talk with your gf about your feelings because she may not wish to be in a relationship in which her partner is not sexually attracted to her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She works with a man and always looks at guys that check her out.", "answerText": "I wonder if you are having some of these thoughts related to something that has neither happened directly to you in your past or to someone that you care about. This can often change the way that we look at different situations. Try to look at what feelings, for you when you notice that someone is \"checking her out,\" and perhaps when you have felt these feelings before.If you trust your girl enough to have an open conversation, perhaps you could ask her whether she is willing to talk about something that is important to you. Then you could talk about feelings that you're having."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife works late most days, so I'm lonely. I love my wife with all my heart, however I don't feel the intimacy we used to have. We don't have sex anymore, which bothers me tremendously. I have become close friends with a coworker, which I know is not helping. Nothing will happen with that, but theres the thought.", "answerText": "First things first! Friendships that develop in times of struggle may be a great emotional support, but also become confusing there's sexual attraction. And entertaining a tough is only going to make it a stronger target. Careful with that friendship! You do not want to fill your marriage's void with another person. Even when you are in a friend zone and not having intimacy with this person, you may be developing a special bond, sharing interest and activities that may lead to a deeper connection. Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse was having a friendshiplike that.Then try to refocus on your marriage. I suggest being transparent and talking to your wife about your feelings and concerns. Ask her what you could do to reconnect, make some suggestions and dedicate time to practice them. Make time in both of your schedules, make an effort to have lunch together, or to text during the day. Remember that a marriage is like a very good friendship with benefits, but sometimes the responsibility kills the fun.Cmo puedo volver a enamorarme de mi esposa?Mi esposa trabaja tarde casi todos los das, la amo con todo mi corazn, pero no siento la intimidad como antes. Ya no tenemos sexo, lo cual me molesta tremendamente. Me he acercado a una amistad del trabajo, lo cual no ayuda. Nada pasara, pero hay pensamientos al respecto.Primero lo primero! Las amistades que se desarrollan en momentos de crisis pueden ser un gran apoyo emocional, pero tambin pueden convertirse en algo nebuloso cuando hay atraccin sexual. Entretener pensamientos al respecto solo lo va a hacer un reto ms grande. Ten cuidado con esa amistad! No quieres llenar el vaco que deja tu matrimonio con esta nueva persona. Aunque no ests teniendo intimidad con esa persona, puedes estar creando una conexin especial, compartiendo intereses en comn y actividades que los unen ms aun. Pregntate como te sentiras si tu esposa tuviera una amistad as.Intenta reenfocarte en tu matrimonio. Sugiero que seas transparente con tu esposa y le dejes saber tu preocupacin y como te sientes con el distanciamiento. Pregntale que le gustara hacer para reconectarse, sugirele algunas ideas y dediquen tiempo a las mismas. Hagan tiempo en sus agendas para ustedes, hagan un esfuerzo para almorzar juntos, y comunicarse durante el da, aunque sea con textos. Recuerda que el matrimonio es como una muy buena amistad con beneficios y muchas veces las responsabilidades matan la diversin."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend of eight years and father of our two children is a truck driver. He is never home and only contributes to our family financially. There is no other support given. He comes home when able, sleeps, gives money, and leaves again. I can't get him to do anything with me or the kids. He just sleeps and works.", "answerText": "After eight years and two childrens, people change. I suggest to talk to him about how you feel, let him know that although he is gone for a long time, his presence as a husband and father are required and important. Ask him if he will be willing to engage again and how he would like to do so. Many times when the dads are away, moms design a perfect routine and they feel like they will disturb it. Make alone time and family time for him, so you can reconnect as a couple and then as a family.Cmo trabajo con un esposo que solo contribuye econmicamente?Mi novio de ocho amos y padre de mis dos hijos es camionero. El nunca est en casa y solo contribuye financieramente. No provee apoyo en ninguna otra forma. El viene a casa cuando puede, duerme, provee dinero y se va otra vez. No puedo lograr que haga nada conmigo y los nios. Solo duerme y trabaja.Despus de ocho aos y dos hijos las personas cambian. Te sugiero que hables con tu pareja sobre cmo te dientes, djale saber que aunque el esta fuera la mayora del tiempo, su presencia como pareja y padre es requerida e importante. Pregntale si el est dispuesto a comprometerse ser parte activa de la familia y como lo hara. Muchas veces cuando los paps estn afuera las mams desarrollan rutinas que luego ellos no quieren interrumpir. Crea tiempo a solas para dedicarle a el para que puedan reconectar como pareja y luego como familia."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year. I suddenly find myself jealous when I see him talking to other girls. I have never been this way before. I don't like these feelings. He said that my jealousy would cause our relationship to have problems. I told him I can't help these feelings. I don't know where they are coming from, but this is how I feel, I tried to stop, but I can't. I really like this guy, but I'm afraid that I'm messing up the relationship. It's just stupid.", "answerText": "Trust is at the top of what makes a healthy relationship. It sounds like you may benefit from personal counseling to explore where this jealousy comes from and what keeps you from having complete trust in your boyfriend. This is not stupid, this is your mind telling you that there is something that needs to be worked through. Sometimes we need to talk to someone like a counselor who is disconnected from our life to understand our feelings and what they mean in our relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?", "answerText": "Not in my book. You're only two months in? At this early stage, this is a bit of a warning sign. If he can't accept or feel comfortable with who you are and decisions you've made, there's already a level of discomfort here that shouldn't be ignored. No, he doesn't have the right to penalize you or punish you ...not just for past things...not for anything. What he does get to do it tell you how it affects him. Sure...if he feels uncomfortable or needs reassurance...listen to those things. But If he doesn't dig who you are, maybe he can walk the other way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?", "answerText": "How is he penalizing you?Have you asked for his reasons for wanting to know about your heavy past?His answers may be very different than that he would like penalizing you.What you can do is explain how pressured you feel by his questions.Ideally, the two of you will become much closer by talking openly about your respective discomforts and wishes from the other."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I are in our 40s. Weve been married 17 years. Three weeks ago, he said he loves me but is not in love with me. He was going to leave me, but he said he thought about it and decided to stay. I don't know how to feel any more. How should I take what he said and not feel so hurt? He has been very blunt, and hurtful words just come out of his mouth. He makes me feel like I'm nothing, but I so dearly love him with everything in me. He said it wasnt a mid-life crisis.", "answerText": "I get it. Your husband tells you that he's not in love with you, but oops, he's changed his mind and will tolerate you for a while longer? Excuse me? My Dear, it's okay if you expect more than that from a marriage. Maybe the question has shifted from whether he is happy in the marriage to whether you are happy in the marriage. You say you love this man, who makes you \"feel like nothing\". I say it might be time to sit down with an individual therapist and look objectively at your marriage and whether it's working for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.", "answerText": "I'd say you're letting fear get a hold on you! You would really enjoy some sexual activities that your wife hasn't initiated in a long while, but it's a big leap to go from that to \"I married the wrong person\". Fear is telling you that she doesn't respect or like or want you? Look at the bigger picture. What is the evidence that your wife wants to please you?...that she is the \"right\" woman for you?...that she loves you?...that she cares about what's important to you? If there is evidence there, then you owe it to the marriage to rein in your fearful thoughts.Talking to your wife is so important right now. We all have moments when we really just want to sit and stew in our self pity over our partner not vacuuming or cooking or saying loving things often enough...but they can't read our minds! Can you lovingly let her know what you miss? ...what you hope for?...what you need? This is the meat of a loving relationship. Sharing who we are, so that we can love each other better.Your wife deserves the benefit of the doubt that she'll listen to what you long for. Can you risk feeling vulnerable? You can't control her answer, but can you trust her to care?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We don't have sex a lot. I cheat when we argue. I don't kiss or have unprotected sex with them. It's a one time thing, and I never see them twice.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. The question about whether or not to cheat is based on personal values that can only be answered by you. However, here are a few things to consider and questions to ask yourself to help you find your answer: 1. Do you feel like you are violating your own values or morals? This is important, because we all have different values and morals surrounding sex, love, and monogamy. If you value monogamous relationships and find yourself cheating on your partner, then you may feel like you are living in contradiction to your values, and most people are not happy when they do that. However, if monogamy is not something you value, then perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the relationship and determine if it is still right for you. Not all people want monogamous relationships, and that is alright. Finally,if you value your husbands feelings and know that the affairs would hurt him, then your behaviors may again be in contrast to your own values. That can only be determined by you. 2.Based on how you describe your relationship, it sounds like you are not very satisfied with the way it is. From the outside, it looks like the affairs are a way to get even with your husband or to feel better after an argument. This is something that can happen when mutual respect starts to fade in a relationship and gets replaced with contempt. We can simply stop caring about how our actions hurt each other, or potentially hurt each other. Perhaps the question to ask here is, when you look out toward the future with your husband, is this the pattern that you want to keep? The pattern of very little sex, argument, and then satisfying the pain or dissatisfaction with affairs. 3.What are your goals for this relationship? If we start to become disconnected in a relationship, we can begin to do things on autopilot. Get up, get the kids up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. None of which requires any intimacy at all. Are you still able to see the hopes and dreams you once had for this relationship? 4. Have you considered seeking marital counseling? Not having affairs wont actually fix the part of the relationship that is leading you to have them. If there is something broken, it sometimes requires some help to get it fixed. Hopefully these questions and thoughts will help you come to some kind of conclusion about what is right for you and your relationship. I certainly wish you well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.", "answerText": "These fears are completely normal. Almost everyone has the same fears you do, to some degree, especially if they lack experience. Men also feel far more of these fears than you realize. That can help...to remember that we're all a little scared and looking for safety and approval.You mention a partner, but I'm not sure if you currently have one. Having a partner you can trust with your fears and who you feel safe with is so important. When you're really confident someone cares deeply for you, this can help the fears to go away or diminish.How well do you know your own body? Getting to know how you like to be touched and how different touches feel...getting acquainted with your body yourself first...this can help build sexual confidence.In general, our partners care less about our fat and wrinkles than they care about how we make them feel in bed. Being a generous lover who is confident enough to put fear aside...ironically this is what makes you \"good in bed\". But be patient with yourself. Your confidence will grow with experience, and that doesn't have to happen until you are ready. There's not rush. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.", "answerText": "As hard as it may be to do this, since all the media and marketing of how an ideal person looks and performs sexually, surrounds us, keep in mind that the images presented in order to sell movies and almost any product, is meant to trigger fantasies.No one is a fantasy, we are all real and unique. We can be influenced to believe that being a fantasy is better than being who each of us is, genuinely.Your partner may be much more accepting of your body and your level of sexual experience, than you are of yourself!Sex within a relationship means the two people want to have with the other one, not because they have ideal bodies and expertise, but because the person wants to make love to the one whom they love.When you are in a loving relationship, part of this includes talking about sensitivities and insecurities. Having a conversation gives the chance to know that you are accepted for who you are, not how closely you resemble a made up idea meant to persuade people to buy items."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.", "answerText": "The greatest sex experience will be with someone who you feel connected to outside the bed. This is something that you should feel comfortable in talking with your partner about. The relationship needs to be strong before moving to the bed anyways. If the love is there, he will understand your fears and make you feel comfortable making it a great experience."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.", "answerText": "I don't think there's anything that you're supposed to feel. Some people feel tremendously guilty when they cheat, and others not at all. It could be that your partner doesn't know about the cheating and you haven't had to face his/her emotions and reactions. When something we do is hidden...a secret...it's easier to avoid feeling guilty. I wonder if you're avoiding your own emotions. But let's put that question aside for now. There are better questions.What do you want? Do you want your marriage? If not, this may be why you don't feel guilty.Do you want to be able to sleep with your friend? It's unlikely that both are possible (keeping the marriage and the affair). Yes, you get to do whatever you want with your body...and...there may be consequences. Affairs almost always get discovered.Who do you want to be? What kind of partner do you want to be? What might your partner feel if they knew? How might you feel then? Would you care? Has something happened that's affected how much you care about your partner?I suggest that these other questions might be a place to start. Exploring it with a therapist is something to consider maybe. I wish you the best as you sort it out. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.", "answerText": "My questions to you would be: Why did you get married? Would it bother you if your spouse did the same to you?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.", "answerText": "Yes, of course, it's your body and you can do what you feel like doing.Do you feel a commitment to your partner?Your guilt probably is pointing out the feeling of having done with your body what your spirit tells you is a violation of the commitment you feel toward your partner.The good news is that this is a moment for you to examine how strong your commitment is to your partner.Find balance between satisfying your freedom to do as you please, with your sense of being a partner, which means prioritizing the partner once in a while."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "As I was growing up, my mother and father always fought. With that, I grew trust issues. I think it's going to affect my relationship now and end it sooner then I want to. I try not to let it affect me, but I cant.", "answerText": "If you thing your trust issues are going to end or affect your relationship it will because you are being baggage from your parents into this relationship. Don't allow their problems to become your problem. You didn't mention that your partner in your present relationship have done anything to make you not trust them. Like in the court of law, if no evidence....find not guilty.Don't make them pay the consequences as if guilty of your parents unhealthy behavior."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We had our first kid 15 years ago, and sex has been nonexistent ever since. It only happens every three or four months. We have been to counseling, and I have been told over and over again she will come around. She hasn't, and I'm intimately lonely! I think it's time to move on, but how do I do that without hurting my kids?", "answerText": "Hi Pocahontas, This is a painful situation. When you're in a relationship, you assume that you will continue to receive warmth and affection. When it dries up, it's a very lonely place. It's possible that there is an unaddressed issue in the relationship. It's also possible that your partner has hormonal issues, pain issues, sexual dysfunction or is asexual.There is no one answer here. Only you can decide what is right for you. But let me ask some questions to help you explore next steps:Aside from the sex, is your wife loving and supportive? What are the other ways in which you feel loved? Does your wife talk to you? Does she communicate her needs and desires? Does she articulate what gets in the way of having sex? If your wife is generally a loving, open partner, you use this to see that her behaviours aren't personal. Whether she resolves this or not, it can help you to cope with the rejection. This is your wife's issue, and the \"ball\" is in her court.In my opinion, if couple's therapy hasn't helped, it's time for your wife to own whatever is blocking her and address it with her physician and therapist. Let her be in charge of the sex for a while, to take the pressure off, and she can have the time to figure out what gets in the way of having regular sexual intimacy in your relationship. If you think of this as \"my wife is in crisis and needs support in figuring this out\", it can help you manage your own emotions.Pressure to have sex might push her further away. Did the couple therapist help you to see the dynamic in your relationship? Has your partner identified something she feels she is lacking in the relationship? One good way to make sure you \"get\" is to \"give\" (and I mean give what she wants, not sex).It's appropriate to say to her now \"I cannot live in a relationship with so little intimacy. I need for you to be honest with me about what you want for us sexually. If this is all you want, I'm not sure I can do it. If you want us to be more sexual, I need you to address what gets in the way for you.\" Give her some time, help her in any way you can, and then see where you are. See if she does seek help to address an issue that is hers.Then...you have a decision to make. I encourage you to make it looking at the big picture, not just the sex."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been dating a guy for two years. I think I love him, but I don't know any more. I am in my late teens, and I have been living with him for most of our relationship. I have been talking to a guy friend, and I feel more loved by him than my boyfriend.", "answerText": "Hi Michigan, Relationships are so sparkly for a few years, and then things start to feel different. Most of the time, this is simply because we've pulled back from all the attachment-forming behaviours we did at the beginning. We stop talking a lot, because we have less to discover...we do less for each other and buy fewer gifts...spend less time together...all because we have already formed the love and attachment and we don't need to \"fill the gas tank\" as much. So, just because it feels different doesn't mean it's \"gone bad\".Having said that, it seems as though you are missing something in this relationship that you need; you don't feel loved enough right now. Can you tell him? Have you told him? The strength of your relationship is more clear when people know what the expectations are. Let him know what you need, and see if he gets it.You have choices to make and there is no wrong choice. You certainly have the right to say \"this isn't feeling great anymore\", or \"I want to explore other relationships\", and walk away. But often it's worth it to see how good something can be before you bail.You're drawn to someone else, and this is up to you to decide how this fits with your expectations of yourself in a relationship. Your interest in this other guy is sparkly and new. Your boyfriend can't compete with that if he doesn't know you're unhappy.For some people, being drawn to someone else is a sign they're not into their partner. For others, it's a danger alert, and it makes them want to improve their current relationship. Which one are you?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.", "answerText": "Congrats on the birth of your son!Your situation sounds painful, lonely, and isolating.And, these features are eating away at your self-confidence.Start by believing in yourself. The feelings and ideas you describe here would only be arising from within you because they are at the very least, partly true.Ask your boyfriend if he is willing to listen and understand your point of view. If he does, then hopefully the two of you will more easily talk with one another about the truth of feeling overwhelmed by the quick pace of your courtship and becoming a family.If these discussions continuously include him blaming you for having your own feelings and expecting him to more actively be a part of your and your son's life, then you'll need to start valuing your feelings and what is best for you and your son, by yourself.I send you lots of good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.", "answerText": "Hi Oklahoma, Listen to him when he says this is how he is. Your boyfriend's behaviours are about him; not you. At the start of a relationship it's easy to be loving and attentive; but it takes years to really get to know someone deeply. With time, people reveal who they are.For some reason, he is giving himself permission to detach from you and your son. This could be for several reasons; he may be avoiding intimacy and connection, he may be avoiding commitment, he may fear he isn't enough, or (and there is evidence of this one) he may have misogynist attitudes about male privilege that interfere with his ability to be the kind of supportive and respectful partner that you need.It seems that you've addressed this problem with him and told him what you need. Good for you. His response seems dismissive though, and this isn't a good sign. Any problem can be worked through if you have two people who care about, respect and listen to each other. It seems this basic foundation is missing here.I suggest a therapist might be able to help you sort out where to go from here. I wish you the best. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love him so much, and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Does he tell you a reason as to why he feels you don't love him?Ask him this so you will clearly know his definition of \"love\"."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love him so much, and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Hi Savannah, This is a pretty common issue; one person feels that they are doing a great job of being loving, yet their partner doesn't feel loved. There's a great book \"The Five Love Languages\" by Gary Chapman. He explains that there are five main ways to give and receive love, but we don't necessarily all speak the same \"love language\" as our partner. You might feel that by going out to work and earn money, you're being loving, but if your partner's main love language is quality time, you're not hitting that bulls eye because you're not home! The five languages are words, quality time, acts of service, gifts and touch. I recommend couples grab this book, sit down and figure out what their love languages are, and then...slowly...you start to ask for the kind of love you want, and you start to speak your partner's language a bit better. You may never be fluent, but you can get better. The most important part is to understand each other better and to know that there's nothing wrong with either of you, you're just speaking different languages. You can help your boyfriend to get really specific about how he wants to be loved. I bet he just needs you to \"speak his language\". :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying \"whatever\" and \"leave me alone.\" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.", "answerText": "Hello, It doesn't feel good when it seems that your partner no longer cares or cares less for you, especially if your feelings have not changed. It can be scary, frustrating, and lonely. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I would suggest to start there. There may be several reasons for his actions, some of which may have nothing to do with how he feels for you.Learning about what is going on for him will likely answer your questions and, depending on his response, maycause some relief. Wheninitiating conversations about subjects that are sensitive, there are a few things that you want to remember.Tell him how you are feeling and what you are experiencing, rather than blaming him or telling him what he is doing wrong. Avoidusing extreme, black and white language (i.e. always and never).For example, you may say something such as, \"I feel confused that we are rarely intimate and I'm wondering if you've also noticed this change\" versus \"You are never intimate with me anymore.\"Don't be afraid to ask him questions. You deserve to know what is going on, as his behavior is effecting your well being. I like to ask open-ended questions instead of yes and no questions. It allows formore clarity and deeperexplanation. Lastly,ask yourself (and possibly him) what part you play in the recent changes. Does he feel that you've been distant? Does he need something from you? Let him know that you are willing to work things out as a team. If communication attempts fail, seeing a couple's therapist can be a great benefit. Having an objective party to coach you through this difficut time can give you the support that will create lasting changes in your relationship.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying \"whatever\" and \"leave me alone.\" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.", "answerText": "Your situation sounds a little painful.Have you brought up any of these topics for discussion with your fianc?Now is a good time for finding out if and how your future husband is interested and addresses the way you are feeling.Until the two of you open up what bothers you, all you or anyone who talks to you about the situation, can do is take guesses as to what is driving your finance's behaviors.Also, in the moment of when your fianc texts you words you find surprising or startling, you can tell him this. Maybe by being clear and truthful about how what he writes affects you, then next time he will change what he tells you.And if he doesn't, then you know that you explained yourself, he had this information about you and that , he isn't that willing to consider what you told him.Really, the best first step is to open up all the topics you wrote about here, with him. This way you'll give each of you to discuss how to care about one another in a meaningful way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying \"whatever\" and \"leave me alone.\" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.", "answerText": "Hi Rockford, While no relationship is \"perfect\", and it's natural for the passionate beginnings of a relationship to lessen with time, because we have established the trust and love needed as a foundation and we don't have to smother each other with attention anymore, your situation sounds like something different.\"He has no time for me\"... yet you don't fight. Hmmm...Is it that you don't fight because you don't bring up what's bothering you? Are you avoiding conflict? Many people do. What do you fear would happen if you let him know how you feel about his recent pulling away? As an engaged couple, now is a really good time to see what happens when you bring a concern to your fiance. Better to find out now what happens when you rock the boat by being real. Or maybe you have spoken to him about it. If so, what happens? Does he listen and help you understand him better? Or does he avoid and reassure you...or maybe dismiss you? This is really important data to gather about how your fiance handles conflict and how you work together.He says \"leave me alone\". That's a pretty bold statement about what he wants. He doesn't seem to have the same idea that you do about what marriage is, and how close you want to be. Plus, I have to say, those words sound more like what a closed-off fourteen year old would say to a parent than a loving fiance to his bride to be!Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that your fiance is scared about getting married and this is a temporary reaction that will change. But if this is true, he needs to tell you that so you can understand.So, I suggest that the fact that when you're together you're \"okay\" is perhaps not the best barometer for how you're doing as a couple. Listen to your gut. I encourage you to be really open with your fiance about what your feelings and fears are. This may get rockier before it gets better, but until you face what's not working, you won't know who you truly are as a couple. When you're engaged, it's a really cool time to see a therapist too...to get some conflict resolution skills down before you're a married couple."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for ten years. My husband is 29 years my senior. We have a young daughter. Ever since she was born, my husband has \"shut down.\" We have no intimacy; he doesn't even kiss me. I've told him how I feel for years, and he swears he loves me and wants to make me happy, but I still have to literally beg for sex and affection. My self-esteem is gone, and I feel so alone. He has stranded me. He uses his passive-aggressive ways and ignores every comment I make. He refuses to talk to me in detail.", "answerText": "Hi Smyrna,Your husband is avoiding dealing with this problem. I understand how lonely you must feel, not only sexually, but emotionally too.From what you describe, it seems that he wants tobe there for you, but he clearly has barriers to engaging fully around this issue. My hunch is that he doesn't know what to do or how to talk to you. But I think he does have something to say.Your husband is 29 years older and you've been together for ten years...that puts you at around thirty perhaps and him at almost sixty? Has any wise older woman sat you down to explain that men sometimes have erectile issues or hormone-related low sex drive as they age? It's possible that your husband is bewildered, angry, grieving or anxious about changes in his sex drive or his ability to maintain an erection, and that he doesn't know how to talk to you about this. He may feel like he's letting you down, and he's scared it will get worse, so he's sticking his head in the sand. Of course, that doesn't help, does it?The worst case scenario is that you get angry or hopeless, that he senses danger or disapproval from you and pulls away even further in shame. Eventually, you stop chasing him, and you drift further apart.It's a bit of a conundrum...how to honour both your need for connection and honesty and his need for a safe place to explore his fears and insecurities. Maybe lower your expectations for a bit? Your husband will need to believe that you are a safe place to share his fears, and you would need to hold onto the fact that he's really scared, and that he's not rejecting you...just protecting himself.I would suggest having a gentle conversation that sounds something like \"Sweetheart, we both know that something's not right here. I think you've been trying to handle this on your own or hoping it would get better, but can we agree that it's not? I need you to either talk to me about what's happening, or please go see a doctor. What I need is to see that you are doing some little step to help us. Either of those things would show me that.\"In the end, you need to know that he's heard you and that he's willing to look at the issue in some way. If he does neither, then at least you know where you stand and you can decide whether to live in a sexless marriage.I wonder if showing him this answer to your question might help? Just a thought."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend of five years told me he cheated on me during our relationship after we broke up. We've since gotten back together and are trying to make it work. I don't know how to trust him now, but I really want to make it work, and it seems like he does too. But my trust issues are getting in the way and causing problems.", "answerText": "Hi Michigan,This is a common issue. How do you trust after you know someone is capable of hurting you? I totally get that it's hard, and I believe it's worth it if you truly love and want to be with someone. You can be stronger in the scarred places.I would suggest that you each have a separate job to do to rebuild this trust. It is definitely possible to rebuild it, because anything is possible if both people want it enough.Your boyfriend came clean to you...this is pretty crucial. He chose to honour your needs rather than keep the secret. You can use that as evidence in your \"proof that he loves me\" file. Work on that file...thicken it up. Having a thick \"he does care about me and wouldn't hurt me again\" file will help you.Other things that he can do to help you thicken that file (because after all, his behaviours caused this problem): answer all your questions, don't brush you off if you're feeling insecure, treat you as though you're a priority, avoid questionable contact with other women, have open communication, give you passwords to devices so there is transparency. He can help you to understand where those behaviours came from...why he cheated in the first places (although people aren't always good with those 'why' questions!)You can focus on telling yourself that people change, that he deserves a chance to show you he can be loyal (or at least you've decided to give him that chance), and that you want to be a trusting person. If you act like a trusting person, you will likely feel more like one. Don't go snooping, don't interrogate him. It's normal you might feel scared and try to tell him that when you do. Let him know what happens that leads to you feeling scared.This is a start for you. A good therapist can be helpful too!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im in love with my friend who is also a girl. I fell in love with her in a few months. That was my first love. We used to talk for the whole day and night over the phone and on Facebook. I thought she had the same feelings for me, but I was wrong. I always wanted to touch her warmly and stay with her all my life. But all my dreams get broken apart after she got into a relationship with a guy. Ive tried to be in relationship with guys, but I cant be in love with them.", "answerText": "It all depends how old you are and what a particular situation is. You may be feeling very close to this friend and mistake that feeling for sexual feeling, or the feelings may be real. This is something you will find out for yourself, however, it definitely doesn't mean that you are a lesbian just because you have those feelings for this particular person. Time will tell, but if you need to discuss this, you could see your school councelor (if you are at school/university) or find a LGBT group with meetings and discuss this with them. I hope this is helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been getting told lately by my partner that its embarrassing that I'm so antisocial around his family and friends. I believe it's because I'm not as social as him.", "answerText": "Hi Buffalo, I think you're right; your partner's reactions are about him. I have to say it's a cruel thing to say to someone you love...that you're \"embarrassed by them\". The subtext says \"You're not good enough\", and I love that you can reject that false message.You don't have to be different for anyone. If he can't accept you for who you are, what is he doing with you? Your social habits (unless they are extreme...like you refuse to go anywhere) aren't a reflection on him; it's just you being you. Also, and I'm sure you've found this...the more he judges you, the more difficult it is for you to be the confident, outgoing person he wants you to be...so his method of trying to change you doesn't even work!I think that's the crux...he's trying to change you. What does that make you want to do?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How can I know if I'm just being paranoid?", "answerText": "Hi Texas,Oh, that's a powerful idea, isn't it? It burrows into your head. Let's figure this out. First, has your partner given you any concrete reason not to trust them? Have they cheated before? If not, then they deserve the benefit of the doubt until there is evidence. If it's a \"yes\", then it's natural that these fears would be triggered and you can simply let your partner know what triggers the fear and what you need. \"When you refuse to let me see your phone I worry that you're hiding something. I need openness\". If they haven't cheated on you in the past, there are three possible scenarios here. I invite you to take a moment and write down what the evidence is that cheating is going on. What is the specific thing that's triggering your fears? When you have your data recorded, read on...The first scenario is that you have been personally hurt in the past by someone else and you've developed fears that you will be hurt again or that you're not enough to keep someone interested (this is just fear...people cheat for their own reasons, not because we're not interesting). This may be true if what you wrote down is \"They didn't really do anything wrong...there is no evidence. I'm just scared and suspicious\". That's a cue to do some self reflection and calm yourself with thoughts like \"nothing has really happened. I can trust.\"If what you wrote down was vague evidence, like for example your partner has been distant or irritable, or you're having less sex than usual, you can try to approach the situation without making assumptions. Trust your gut, but your gut isn't seeing evidence of cheating...it's evidence of \"something\". Ask your partner what's up with accusations or assumptions.The third possibility is that there is some clear evidence that they are cheating. Maybe there are texts on a phone, or someone has told you something they saw. I'd say when there is some evidence, it's okay to present this to your partner and ask what's going on. If this happens repeatedly, and your gut is screaming and there are only excuses or explanations that don't make sense, then it's okay to do a bit of \"research\" and be extra aware of what's going on around you.I hope that helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the \"same person\" feeling, but how can he get over this?", "answerText": "I wonder how long \"anymore\" will be for your boyfriend.Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the sex, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having sex with his partner to whom he is committed.What are your own views on the meaning of sex in a relationship?Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "That sounds really challenging for both of you. Differences in sexual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict. I would encourage you to do some couples counselling or sex therapy as often these issues can be worked through and low sexual desire can result from relational fears and misunderstandings or sex that isn't as arousing as is possible. There are some good videos on this resource page about sexuality and intimacy and a video that specifically addresses desire differences in relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "Congrats on your upcoming baby!Its possible that the pregnancy is diminishing your wife's sex drive.From everything you describe about your wife, she sounds to not yet have become comfortable with having a wish for sex.The other side of the sex equation is you and your relative ease with having sex and whether it is for physical release or as an expression of love, some of each.Since you talk with each other honestly then start with a dialogue about what you each would like from sex with each other, from perspective of giving and receiving sex. Hopefully this will open up some new light on your respective feelings.Really, there is a lot to navigate in a conversation about physical and emotional intimacy. If these are not the types of discussions the two of you are used to having, a couples therapist is a good idea so you both become familiar and learn how to more easily articulate some of your respective deep feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified sex therapistto help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/oryou might want to sign up for my own 8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "Have you guys ruled out medical disorders. There is new data that post part depression starts in the pregnancy before baby is delivered. There maybe those factors .Please check out those arenas, firstly.Then consider marital therapy services. Relationship changes with the time passing and with the time and care deposits of investment onto the relationship bank account. Thanks for this opportunity to answer some of ya.alls. relationship intimacy concerns."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "Hi Seattle,While it's normal in many relationships for there to be a difference in sex drives, I believe that your wife has a major barrier to having a healthy sexual relationship. I'd be curious about what it was like at the beginning for you both, but these things can change. Sometimes people with sexual barriers are very active for a period when they're young because they're trying to prove something or overcome a fear.Right now, you can both accept that there is a barrier and it's hers and she can explore that in a safe relationship with a therapist and perhaps a doctor. It's possible she's asexual (not interested in sexual activity but very interested in love), or that a trauma has affected her. It's for her to explore. Tell yourself that it's not your fault, stop expecting it to change, and encourage her to seek treatment with someone who specializes in sexual issues. Good luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We got into arguments, and we would break if off but start it back up again. We clicked, or so I thought. We are both married with problems in our marriage. We never have sex; we just send a lot of pictures back and forth and talk about doing things together. His wife found out, and he lied to her and didn't even refer to it as an affair. I can't stop thinking about him. We just click. I've been married for 16 years, and I've never liked anyone other than my husband. Now I like him, and well never be together.", "answerText": "If you will \"never be together\" and in order to maintain this affair you need to deceive both of your spouses it seems unlikely that maintaining the affair will bring anything but heartbreak for everyone involved. There is obviously something that you are getting from this that you are not getting in your marriage. Maybe this is a cue that there is work to do on your marriage to try to make it more fulfilling and if that is not possible, then maybe you want something else for your life. If you and your husband are willing, I would encourage you to do some therapy or counselling together. You may enjoy this article to learn a little more about some factors that lead to connection or disconnection and that predict separation and divorce."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend of five months expresses how much he cares for me and loves me, and I believe it. It has been one of the best relationships I have been in for a short period of time, but he has lied to me so much. Hell tell me that he'll stop lying, and while hes saying that, he's hiding something or lying about something. First, it was about a girl. He hid text messages and claimed she was a friend and it was a friendly conversation when it was a girl he once found interest in. Next was his ex-girlfriend. He put a fake contact name, and it was just friendly, but he lied to my face. All the time, he claims he never cheated and still expresses his love the same way and that he wants to change and do better.", "answerText": "New York, New York...it's not your boyfriend's lying that concerns me the most; it's the lies you tell yourself. Verbal expressions are easy, but it's walking the walk that's more important in the end. When someone shows you what they're capable of, you can believe them. He's capable of being manipulative and deceitful, and he even lies as he's telling you he'll stop lying.What you're doing is called denial; when you see evidence of something but you choose not to believe the evidence. He might love you with his heart, but love, in the end, is a verb and is based on respectful, loving behaviours.My wish is that you start by believing in what you deserve."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was texting a guy who wasn't my boyfriend, and my boyfriend found out. We work together, so he went to work and told everyone I was cheating on him. I moved out of the house. There have been previous problems, and I feel like I'm usually the issue here. In order for us to move on, he wants me to sign this contract that he wrote out listing things he doesn't want me to do anymore. I'm wondering if this a healthy relationship to save or if I should walk away.", "answerText": "Hi Dallas,While I think it's healthy for both members of a couple to have things that they need from each other and to talk about that, your situation sounds one-sided and rigid. Will you have a list too? There are elements of control here: humiliating you in front of coworkers, saying you have to sign the contract before you can move forward...does he decide when you move in and out? Your passive aggressive communications with the other man and your difficulty in knowing what direction you want also hint that maybe you don't have a voice in this relationship. Do you have a voice? If you are uncomfortable with the contract, are you listening to your own voice? If you can't hear your own voice, maybe it's time to sit down with a therapist and strengthen yourself so you can at least know what you feel and want.No relationship is all good or all bad (wouldn't that make it easy?) Relationships don't come with billboards that tell us what to do. They don't come with crystal balls that tell us what will happen (except that past behaviour is a good predictor). You have everything you need in order to make the best decision for you right now, except clarity, and his control may be what is making things muddy for you. You're too busy blaming yourself to see the situation clearly. A therapist can help you stop blaming yourself and see what your situation is."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "About a month ago, I went through my boyfriends phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our sons room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.", "answerText": "Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been married for 20 years. He and I both cheated. I hid my cheating for 14 years. Over that time, I let life stress me out. I became depressed. When I finally woke up, he felt I had pushed him out.", "answerText": "Do you both want to fix the marriage?The relationship belongs to both of you so that one working without the other cooperating in this work too, will have one person who does all the changing.This dynamic itself creates problems of its own.About your husband telling you he feels pushed out, did he do anything on his own to address his problem of feeling like this?All you state is that he blames you for creating a situation he didn't like.If he did nothing because he felt unsure what to do, anything which shows he understands he has as vital a part in the marriage as you, is ok.Because affairs create mistrust between two people, the two of you would also need to be very aware to regain each other's trust.Talking as much as possible so you both know what goes on in the life of the other, how you each are feeling, what matters to you, is helpful to grow a new foundation for your marriage's future."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous.", "answerText": "Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position.What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you?If you don't already know his answer, then find out. Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you. Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does? Does he care about your views? Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so?Please don't be mean to the cat. Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care.There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend.Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats!Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Over the course of a few days, my wife was unsure about her feelings for me due to constant intimacy issues. After she thought things through, she came to the realization that she is no longer \"in love\" or attracted romantically to me. She instead has more of a platonic love and just cares for me as just \"family.\" At that point, she said our marriage was over. Now over the course of the last few days, she has taken a \"friendship\" from a coworker. She insists there is nothing more than friends, but she has spent all her free time with him.", "answerText": "Hi Portland,This must feel like your world is turned upside down, for your wife to declare her confusion, followed closely by resignation, followed closely by a new \"friend\". I get how upsetting this is.If I was your therapist, I'd want to explore this a good deal, because there are several possibilities concerning what might be happening. Be careful not to jump to conclusions.Sometimes people have been slowly \"falling out of love\" for a long time, and often this is due to some (perhaps unnamed) unmet need in the marriage. She may have been coming to this point over a period of time, and has only finally said so.It's also possible that your wife is going through some temporary crisis...she's changing and personally unhappy and blaming the marriage for it. Only she can help herself through this (she could get the help of a therapist, but it's not your place to tell her to do this).Or, it's possible she's met this new \"friend\" and her attachment to him has clouded her view, or clarified something for her. Right now, it's important that you respect your wife's decision to separate, if she's asking for that. We can't trap people in a marriage. If she needs separation, or distance, then it's respectful to give her that.That doesn't mean that you have to give up on the marriage right now. I would seek the support of a therapist who can help you sort out what YOU want; whether it's to move on with your life, or wait patiently for a period of time.I can't predict what will happen here. But you can find out what the best path for you is. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have no idea what happened. I go places and do things but still feel lonely. I honestly have no friends, and I am always the one texting people and bothering people. I feel invisible, like someone that no one wants to be around.", "answerText": "A lot of times any and each of us creates what we need for ourselves by seeing other people as creating these circumstances and situations.Is it possible that at this time period in your life, being alone is positive for sorting through your true values or sorting through key situations in your life?If \"yes\", then possibly you are giving yourself some alone time, even though to some degree being alone is not your first choice.At the very least, since you aren't happy with being the one who texts others, then some alone time may encourage new thoughts and ideas creating more open space within you to attract other people who do enjoy texting you first.Also, most relationships are not forever. Is it possible you are at a phase when some relationships are simply closing down so that you have clear space within your life for new and different activity?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I dont like it because all of my friends enjoy it.", "answerText": "Although I am not entirely sure why you might be struggling in this area, an initial question I have is do you want to be sexually active at this time or is this something that you feel pressured into doing.? If you feel pressured into being sexually active by your friends or boyfriend it is understandable that you want it to be over. I would encourage you to ask your boyfriend to be patient with you at this time until you figure out what is going on. I encourage you to then think very deeply about what your reservations, if any, about being sexually active. Do you fear pregnancy? Are there problems in the relationship? Are you afraid of the emotional intimacy?Another question that comes to mind is whether or not you have any history of sexual activity that you did not consent to that might be getting in the way. When these types of traumatic events occur, people can essentially become triggered negatively by anything that reminds them of past trauma. Such events can cause an aversion to sex even if there is now a loving relationship whom one wants to be sexually active with. If this is the case I strongly recommend individual therapy to begin working through some of these issues.A final area that you might explore would be whether or not you are experiencing pain with penetration. If so, I would recommend that you schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to rule out any type of medical issues that might be causing these problems. Although pain can also be associated with emotional issues, it is always good to rule out possible physical causes. I hope that these ideas help to point you in the right direction. Take care."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I dont like it because all of my friends enjoy it.", "answerText": "Does your boyfriend notice that you hate sex?If \"yes\", then it is a topic which the two of you would gain deeper understanding of each other, by discussing.If \"no\", then possibly one reason for hating sex is that your boyfriend doesn't notice who you are as a person, not simply a physical body engaged in sex."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.", "answerText": "Hello. Being unable to trust your significant other certainly can cause one to feel unsettled. Has your spouse ever done anything questionable that would cause you to not trust her? If so, then it will take time and some work to gain the trust back. Couple's counseling would be of benefit. If not, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to better learn where your insecurities come from. There are several possible reasons why you may be feeling insecure but without knowing them, the issue is not likely to get resolved. In the meantime, I suggest that when you're feeling upset and are unable to trust what your wife says/does, think before you speak. Ask yourself if you have valid reasons to not trust her. Instead of arguing, try and communicate how you're feeling and let her know that resolving this trust issue will be a top priority for you so that you can focus on other aspects of your relationship. Hope it all works out for you both!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.", "answerText": "Instead of fighting about trust, is it possible for you and your wife to talk with other about areas which upset each of you?Whenever feelings are hurt, knowing what exactly is problematic and being heard and understood by the partner, goes a long way to building trust.These type of discussions are hard to have, and especially for the first time. A lot of emotions arise and often people lose their conversation focus from this.If you and your wife have a tough time opening up to each other, consider scheduling time with a couples therapist.Just by each of you committing time to invest in the relationship will show faith in the relationship, and this may contribute to restoring trust."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been in a relationship for over a year. He's cheated and lied. I heard he's married, but he says he's not. Everything is very up and down; there's no trust. Recently, he went on a trip, and I promised him I'd behave and not drink because when I drink, I drink too much, and I tend to make poor choices. This time, I made a huge mistake: I drank too much, and I cheated on him. I slept with another man for about five minutes before realizing what I was doing is wrong. I told him and he just got really rude. He called me names and threatened me. I feel bad as I do love him. We just have so many issues. I'm not a bad person, I've just made a lot of bad mistakes. Its unintentional, and I know right from wrong, but why do I still make the wrong choice?", "answerText": "Hi Calgary (Canada!), Let me get this straight...you're in a 'relationship', but he might be married. You both cheat and lie and he's abusive. The short answer is that there is too much wrong here for this therapist to try and fix it. Relationships don't heal us and they don't help us grow up. We have to be mature and stable enough to love someone before it's going to work. I'd recommend you focus on yourself alone for a while. You have a lot to sort out. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I crave attention, companionship, and sex. She has had a hysterectomy, and she has a bad knee.", "answerText": "Hi Hampton,Although I'd bet your wife also wants the attention and companionship, it seems that there are a few barriers in your sexual relationship right now. I also would bet that there are things that your wife would like from you.This is a very common issue; two people with different sexual drives or needs. If you both want the relationship to improve, a couple's therapist who works in sexuality is a great idea; it's a complex picture that you've only given us a glimpse of.In the meantime, you can try a few things: have compassion for your wife. She's in pain and this may preoccupy her. Sex may be uncomfortable for her. She needs understanding. You need understanding too, right? Help her to see that you're not just angry, but lonely and hurt; it might affect how you see yourself as a man. Showing her irritability or anger might push her farther away.There are many ways to be close, intimate, and sexual that don't involve intercourse. You might want to explore some of these things and reassure her that you won't pressure her to have intercourse. Find out what your wife's wishes and ideas are. You might be surprised.These things take time to address, especially if they've been years in the making. I do recommend seeing that therapist. Relationships are very complex and it takes time to explore all the layers and barriers to change. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with my husband for eight years now. We have split twice before, and the first time was because he cheated. I took him back months later, and he really tried making it up to me by making a lot of changes. However, we continued to have issues because of my lack of trust. My insecurities and trust issues lead to physical abuse, which lead to us separating again. During that separation, he consoled himself by talking to the same girl he cheated on me with. But we then ended up back together and worked it out for a while until I got pregnant with our second child. The baby was a few months old, and he confessed to me about his secret relationship with her. He told me how he could never stop talking to her and how, during our issues, she has been and is the only women he's gone behind my back with (but on a friendship level because she's miles away). He confessed how he fought feelings for her and feels like he's possibly in love with her too. He said he feels like he's in love with the both of us now because this women has fallen for him, and she hasn't been able to leave him alone since. Even though she knows that he's still with me and happy with our family, she cant help it, and he confessed how his feeling for her are mutual. Being that he loves me too, he wanted to be with the both of us at the same time. He wanted to have affairs with her behind my back by flying her out and staying at a hotels, but he didn't want me to find out, so he told me everything. He said he didn't want to continue to lie to me and so I can finally stop accusing him of being with other women when it's only been this one girl the whole time. He feels like my insecurities and trust issues are what pushed him closer towards her, and that no matter what he did to do right, I would still accuse him. He's caught up in his feelings and pretty much says that he wants her but doesn't want me to leave him because I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. I'm of course hurt and in shock. I feel like I have to make a decision on whether I want to allow it and deal with having to share him or walk away. Both of these decisions are really hard to make because I feel like whether I stay or go, my heart will still be torn apart. I have to make a decision quick because she will be flying out sooner than I thought.", "answerText": "Hi Jayuya, I'm struggling in this moment with my own biases. I have biases that are about respect and every individual's need for and right to respect. Your husband lies, cheats and physically hurts you. He makes excuses and blames you for these behaviours and trains you to do the same. He demonstrates many controlling and abusive behaviours. And now, in an attempt to manipulate and silence you, he wants to have his cake and eat it too and suggests you should share him? There aren't many crumbs of this cake left for you, are there?So, my biases about respect don't make me want to rescue you or tell you what to do; I can't do that, and I don't think either of those things will help you. I'd like to ask you some questions though...Are you happy? Do you know what happy is? Do you know what respect is? Are your children safe? Are your children witnessing violence (because if they are, then they're not safe)? Do you have supports? Do your family and friends know what's happening in your life? Have you ever been to a women's shelter? Are you willing to sit down in an office with a professional who can help you think clearly? That's what I suggest. These are big decisions, you deserve some support. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just got married with my husband. I have four kids of my own, and he accepts me with my kids. I am thankful he loves my kids even though theyre not his. Now we are having problems in our relationship because of my past. I know all marriages have problems, but sometimes I feel its not going to work out if theres no trust. Its hard for me to let go because I love him, but I am getting tired.", "answerText": "Hi Louisiana,You say that the problems are with your \"past\", but my hunch is the problems are about his insecurity and his personal barriers to trust (unless you've recently revealed details of a sordid past?). You don't mention ever having hurt the trust in the relationship.Trust is the first stage in a relationship. Moving forward before they develop trust is a common mistake couples make, and now you two have involved children in a relationship that's missing a crucial element. But you didn't see this coming, did you? That's because only as we become emotionally intimate do our deeper fears and insecurities come to the surface.I give you credit for wanting it to work, and I believe you would benefit from the support of a therapist in working through the kinks related to trust. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a couple of weeks. He had to have a cyst removed on his testicles. I have been wanting to have sex with him for a while now, and it drives me crazy not to be able to make love to him. I'm scared to touch him and get close to him because I'm afraid that I will hurt him.", "answerText": "Are you talking with your boyfriend about his doctor advises on starting to have sex again?Being able to talk together about topics that involve both of you, will establish a new type of intimacy on an emotional level.Also, there are many ways of making love. If your bf's cyst hasn't yet healed, then another way of both increasing your emotional intimacy and learning different love making suggestions, is to read about these together with him.I hope the two of you enjoy learning new ways of sexually taking care of one another, while developing more emotional closeness in the process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad cheated on my mom for 13 years. I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that my boyfriend might be cheating on me even when I know he isn't. I have full access to his phone, social media, and e-mails. I never find anything, but I'm obsessed with constantly checking just in case. How do I stop this? It's driving a wedge between us.", "answerText": "Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted.The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours.Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like \"everyone cheats\", or \" you're not enough for him\". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts.The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting \"as if\" something if true strangely helps us believe it.It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights.", "answerText": "Hi Ohio, The crazy things about situations like this is that, almost guaranteed, while your husband is out working and away from home, he feels he's doing it all for you and the kids; he believes he's loving you. He might feel like he's carrying his family on his shoulders. Your 'love language' is different...you'd rather spend time with him or talk to him...you want to feel like he's a bigger part of the family and feel connected to him. I absolutely understand that, and I support you asking for that.He might very well miss that feeling of connectedness too, but he's likely also feeling the weight of financial responsibility. A lot of men (and women) don't talk about this but they feel it. Sometimes they feel like they can't win either way; there's pressure to earn and pressure to be home.He has needs too; he probably wants more appreciation and less blame.I urge you to talk to him about how you feel, find out how he's feeling, and use a professional to assist you if your communication styles aren't great. Right now you WANT to spend time with him and that tells me that you have a good chance of addressing this problem successfully."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights.", "answerText": "I'm glad you're aware to expect more satisfaction from being part of a couple, than you currently describe yourself as having.Are you and your husband able to talk about any or all of what you've written here?His answers would be a starting point for knowing how he understands his share of your relationship and whether and how he would like making any changes.If the two of you feel too much tension in the relationship to bring up any of the topics you write about here, then ask yourself the reason for this.Very commonly, people are afraid to ask questions of their partner, even when feeling unhappy and that they'd like changes to the relationship.Often, people are fearful of harsh criticism by the partner and worry that by simply stating the reasons for feeling unhappy, will mean hearing judgments against them, spoken by the partner.It is always a good idea to utilize the services of a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist, if after trying to start a conversation on the topics you bring up here, does not go well or very far.For all of us, the emotions in our intimate relationships are deep and powerful. They are not easy to handle, especially under tension and frustration.Sending lots of good wishes for future happiness!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I stop those thoughts?", "answerText": "The thoughts you are having are just thoughts. Not actions. It is your choice whether you act on these thoughts. If you decide to explore having sex with adults of different genders that is great. If you find yourself obsessed with sexual thoughts,you may want to see a cognitive-behavioural therapist. Take care."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.", "answerText": "When a doc blows you off it may be a signal that it is time to find a new one! ED can often be caused by health issues. If all physical possibilities are ruled out then it's time to look within and enlist the help of a sex therapist. Here's a good article for you to start with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.", "answerText": "Hi there, first off I have to commend you for reaching out. It takes a lot for a man to reach out for help when it comes to erection problems. Believe it or not, this problem is very common for men and women.There are some things that you can try naturally, before resulting in medication, such as your eating habits and exercise. I would suggest taking a look at what you are consuming throughout the day. Do you consume a healthy diet and do you exercise regularly? How much caffeine and sugar do you intake daily? These are just a few common things to look at. You would be surprised of how much pressure what we consume puts on our bodies. Our bodies are like a car. You have to maintenance it, in order for it to continue to run.If you would like to get further natural advice and/or suggestions on eating healthy and exercising, I would recommend you see a nutritionist. A nutritionist specializes in maintaining a healthy diet. As far as your Doctor, I would recommend looking into getting another Doctor. I have never heard of a medical professional not wanting to talk about anything. That appears to be a personal issue on their part. I hope I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and I are newly married, about 2 months. We've had some issues surrounding sex, particularly her lack of libido. She's on an anxiety medication, of which diminished libido is a side effect, but I think our issue is also partly one of a lack of intimacy/romance centered around my hectic schedule. Our sex life has suffered as a result. Tonight she made a genuine effort to let me know she wanted sex, which is a big deal. Once things started, she had the most obviously fake orgasm I've ever encountered. I was honest with her about why, and told her that the most important thing to me in sex was knowing that she was legitimately enjoying it. She responded angrily with a complete denial of the faking. I don't know how to broach this subject and have an honest conversation. I think she will continue to lie to me about faking it which will cause our sex life to spiral further. Please help.", "answerText": "You are newly married, you Have a hectic schedule, your wife is on anti anxiety medication. What if you take the focus (hint: pressure) off of her orgasms and focus instead on connecting with one another. You know, like the gestures you each likely made while dating. It turns out that these little moments of connection throughout our days are actually foreplay. Spend a few weeks making a real effort to focus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about this a while back, you can find it here:http://connectfulness.com/little-moments/ And have fun with it!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We make love once per month. Is it normal?", "answerText": "To begin with, what's normal for one couple isn't going to be normal for the next, every couple has their own normal and that's important to keep in mind. Your sexual lives will ebb and flow. What I'd be more curious about is the quality rather than the quantity of the sex you are having. I'd also want you both to refocus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about exactly that a while back and you can find it here."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When having sex I think of other men and want other men all day long. Been married 3 years, together 14. What do you think?", "answerText": "Sustaining passion in marriage is tough stuff. It's a relatively modern dilemma you are facing with perhaps unrealistic expectations of what marriage \"should\" be. It sounds like your definitions of love and sexual passion have merged together, that's both common and confusing! Intimacy and sexuality within your marriage are bound to ebb and flow. Resparking your passion will involve growing. Using your sexual drama and fantasies as windows into discovering your needs (security) and wants (desires). Marriage is a people growing process; you mature into one another and to achieve fulfillment your continued development will be required."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have this weird fetish that I'm afraid to open up about it. What should I do?", "answerText": "This is difficult to answer because you dont tell us what the fetish is. I do understand that this is something that is bothering you though.The first thing to ask yourself is if this is something that is illegal or not. If this is illegal to engage in, then you need to seek counseling help immediately to control the urges.However, if your fetish is not something illegal and you just feel that it is something odd, a therapist could still help you deal with these feelings. You may find that it is something very common and not something to be ashamed of. You may find other people have the same interest as you. Find a therapist that you can trust and tell them. Dont hold back with your therapist. Trust me, they have heard and seen it all by now, and they can help you either stop the behavior that is causing you distress, or help you come to terms with accepting the behavior as part of who you are. There is no need to suffer with this alone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend can't get over my promiscuous past. He says he loves me but says the thought of my past is disgusting and a sexual distraction. He says he should have had more sex with different people. I don't know how to handle this.", "answerText": "I am sorry to hear of your relationship struggles.One thing I wonder is did you volunteer the information about your past or is this something that he asked about? In the future, it is probably best to leave details out of conversations like this. I think it is common and natural for partners to ask about the sexual history. For one thing, it is a good idea to be checked for STDs before entering into a sexual relationship with someone, and it is fair to share that information with each other. Partners usually want to know how many you have been with and what kind of sexual preferences you have or if there is anything you dont like to do. This gets into a gray area for some people. I dont necessarily want to know how many people my partner has been with and I certainly dont want a whole lot of details. Sometimes that is an image I just dont want in my head about my partner. Vague details are usually enough.However, I understand that your partner has the details and is not happy with your past. This is a reflection on him, not you. This shows insecurities on his part. You cannot control how he will react to information that you provide to him and you cannot control how he feels about the information. The past should remain in the past and not be held against you in the present or future. If he cannot handle your past then it is going to cloud your relationship. You can offer couples counseling to him and see if he will go with you. I have seen relationships recover from some very serious problems such as infidelity. It takes two people who both want it to work to make it work though.If your boyfriend cannot get over your past, you may have to let him go. Dont keep yourself tied to someone who is not right for you. Constantly holding your past over your head and holding that against you is only going to bring you down and eventually you may start having insecurities or low self-esteem due to this type of treatment. I dont see that you have done anything wrong. If you arent cheating on him now and you answered his questions about your past honestly, how he handles that information is on him. Ultimately, relationships have a tendency to come and go. Dont fight to hold onto someone who is not right for you. It is okay to be single and enjoy being the best you that you can be. In time, the right person for you will enter your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have no sex drive due to medical issues. Ive shut down completely and closed everyone out. Ive even told my husband that I wanted a divorce since thats what I thought he wanted to hear. However, it devastated me when I learned he's seeing someone else. Ive since told him that I wanted to work things out but hes not sure I actually mean it. He thinks the only reason I want him back is because Im jealous. How do I show him Im serious?", "answerText": "Im sorry to hear about your current situation. My heart goes out to you during this time.First of all, it is of vital importance that you discuss your symptoms with your doctor. Regardless of whether you are able to mend your relationship with your husband, you need to address the physical issues you are experiencing. More than likely he/she will be able to help you relieve some of these symptoms.Secondly, you must be upfront and honest with your husband. Intimacy is a large part of a relationship and it is unfair to your husband that you did not disclose how you were feeling. I think he would appreciate knowing that it was your medical problems causing the lack of sexual desire as opposed to the reason being him.If you explain to him that you are addressing your sexual issues with your doctor in order to enhance your relationship, he may be more willing to see that you are serious in wanting to mend the relationship.The conversation will be hard to explain to your doctor and your husband since it is of such a personal nature but it will be extremely beneficial. And please note that the reason for the feelings you were experiencing (or lack thereof), was not your fault.Best of luck to you and your husband!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "If you connect with your therapist and can say whatever you want to say and not be judged. If you feel like things, situations, your outlook are shifting for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Y'know, to see a man you've loved and care for pass on must make ya' want to cry and weep a bunch, don't it?And, may I say to you that... (as I've long since said)... if you need to mourn, take about a week or so and mourn like your life depended on it. I mean, get to weeping, gnashing, moaning, crying, solemnness, and reflection.And then, after about a week or so, reflect on the man as if he were a well-beloved traveler... sent off on a wondrous journey that will consume and encapsulate his entire awareness... and...Rather than expression vibrations of fatigue, sadness, and anger, send him the finest recollections and images you have of him, and regard him fondly...For, I think you will realize that the dead are not gone forever, but are actually extraordinarily active... and when he sees what you express out from within yourself, he experiences it himself (probably more than you know); so, why not send the very best you have out to him :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I am sorry for your loss. I understand the difficulty of needing help and not having financial resources. In some areas, you can dial 211 and find resources in the area that may be free of cost or low cost. In addition, often hospitals and community centers, churches, etc. have support groups. These are often free and many include grief and loss issues. Finally, there are some therapists who work on sliding scales and even sometimes offer pro bono sessions for clients. Hopefully some of these leads work out for you so that you can get the support that you need."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Losing someone you love, someone who has been there from your very first days, is really hard. Look for a local hospice support organization in your community - grief groups and counseling are often available through these centers. Don't just tough it out and wait for your sadness to fade. Your grandfather would not want that for you. Take extra good care of yourself and get some support"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Your local hospice will have grief support groups and free community counseling available with bereavement counselors who are expects with grief and loss."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Hello,I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandpa. My suggestion would be to look into community mental health agencies in your area. Sometimes they can offer low-fee counseling. You can also check the hospitals in your area because they may offer free or low-fee bereavement support groups, which can be very helpful. Lastly, you may want to look into reading some books about grief as they can help you understand the general effects of grief and feel comforted that you are not alone. Lastly, some therapists offer sliding scale, or reduced fee so it doesn't hurt to call some local therapists to see if they offer could offer a very low-fee. I hope this helps! Please take good care of yourself. Grief is so difficult but please know the pain will ease up over time.Warmly,Angela Topcu, MFT"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear about your loss. He must have been very special to you and it definitely makes sense that you are having a hard time with it.Counseling may be an option if you have a university near you with a graduate marriage and family therapist program. Graduate students provide counseling at a very low cost as part of their traineeship. Here is an example...http://www.clucounseling.org/. Another possibility is a support group for bereavement and loss. Many are free.I wish you the best towards healing your heart."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I'm sorry you lost your grandpa. Some things that may help you through this tough time are to journal or write about special memories you have of your grandpa. You could also journal about your feelings of loss and how you miss him. Another thing that might help is to talk with a friend or family member. Sharing special memories of the person you lost can help you to grieve.If you would like to pursue counseling I would suggest doing an internet search for grief groups in your area. Sometimes hospitals or hospice centers will offer them for free or low cost. You can also do an internet search for non-profit counseling clinics in your area. Many cities and towns will have a non-profit clinic that can provide low cost counseling, it might be worth checking into."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I'm sorry your grandpa died.Good for you to write on this site about wanting help to know how best to live with this new loss.Have you looked online for blogs and forums about adjusting to a recent death? That you know you'd like another person to help you adjust, is a good sign of your own mental health stability.It is possible that reading online blogs and discussion forums, writing on these if you feel like doing so, and possibly joining a local free support group, will be all you need to feel better.There is no set timeline in grief. Let yourself take as much time as you feel is best for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying?", "answerText": "It's good to know you are reminiscing about good memories. The sadness and crying is normal when you are missing a loved one. You are noticing that grief changes, it doesn't just stop. You have recognized that there will be moments in life that you will want to have shared with your brother and grandma and it just seems unfair that you cannot. I often find that when someone is stuck in the place you are, it is a result of unfinished business and in your case, it appears, unfinished futures. A professional versed in grieving and it's intricacies, can guide you to navigate through this and lessen the intensity that you experience. As life goes on, there will be many moments that you will have wished they were present, but those moments do not have to bring you such intense emotion. Seek some help, you won't regret it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying?", "answerText": "Because you're sad and miss the relationship you had w grandma and your brother.The academic point that grief takes a different length of time to lift for each person, is true.Also, from a spiritual perspective, your grandma and brother are still here in loving relation to you, just not in physical body. Pay attention if you have a sense of talking to them within your mind. This may lessen your feeling of loss.When you're done crying about missing them, your grief will simply disappear on its own! It cannot be forced to leave."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.", "answerText": "I am so sorry about your loss. Losing someone you love is always difficult, however, losing a mother is a significant loss in a daughters life. What makes this loss complicated is that it appears you have also had a loss in your relationship with your sister. It is difficult to know what happened with your sister with the limited information you have provided, but what I suspect is that there are some unresolved issues between the two of you and that she may be projecting her pain on to you. It is important to remember that your sister is also grieving the loss of your mother and may not be dealing with it in a very healthy way. By her bringing up your relationship with your mother and suggesting that you were \"never close\" to her is her opinion. Only you can define and determine what your relationship was like with your mother. If there is truth to this, then it may be something you may need to talk about with a counselor. There could be an added layer of ambiguous loss in that you are not only grieving her physical absence, but could be grieving the loss of a relationship you wish you could have had with her and the realization that you never will. You and your sister are both in the heart of the grieving cycle. When two people are grieving the same loss at the same time, it is difficult to provide support to each other because of their own struggle, even if they both were on good terms with each other. Depression is part of the cycle of grief. It is absolutely normal to feel sad, as well as experiencing other depressive symptoms (i.e., feelings of isolation, lack of motivation, low energy, sleep or appetite changes, etc.). Anger is another phase of the grief cycle. Your sister may be stuck in the anger phase, not wanting to connect with her own feelings of sadness, so this may be why she is being hurtful towards you, in projecting her anger onto you in order to avoid the vulnerability of experiencing her own grief.Finally, it appears that your depression proceeded the loss of your mother and is making your experience with grief more complicated. Were you officially diagnosed and treated for depression prior to your loss? Depression in grief is different than a depressive mood disorder. Depression can be situational (i.e., triggered by an event) or related to genetics, undiagnosed health issues, stress, trauma or other potential risk factors. If you have a family history of depression, you are more susceptible to have depression. It would be wise for you to discuss this with a mental health provider, and if necessary, get treatment through counseling and medical interventions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.", "answerText": "Wow what a painful journey you have been in for a long time. Death and grief bring up so many painful reminders of relationships--what they could have been, never were, and what was lost. With death of a family member the family often falls apart for a while... or longer. I hope you can find some support for you and your pain that was occurring before your mom's passing. I also hope you can find someone to help you set boundaries with your sister so you can have your time (as long as you need) to heal from losing your mom and then later figure out how to interact with your sister."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "The past always feels much brighter and more beautiful than my present. Everything about what's gone feels so amazing; almost like I'm high off nostalgia. But in the end it just makes me feel sadder knowing that all of the memories (and a close friend that left me) are gone forever. How do I move past that and live more in the present?", "answerText": "Do some self-reflecting as to what areas of your life you'd currently like to develop.The good news is you know how happiness feels.That you were able to create situations and dynamics which produced happiness in your life is good motivation to believe happiness is possible and to try new ways to create this in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience.", "answerText": "I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? \"I feel guilty about my father's death\", and \"I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad.\" Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that.I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him.No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself \"It's okay that I had to take care of myself too.\"... \"I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about\".Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel \"good enough\" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife is trying to leave. She agreed to come back and give me a little time. Even said she hopes I can do it. We buried our first born in Jan 13 years ago. She never got past it. So every year around this time, she gets emotional and says she doesn't think she loves me, but then we go back to normal. This time, another guy came in and showed her attention. I'll forgive the cheating if she'll come home.", "answerText": "I'm sorry that you lost your first born child. Death of a child always leaves a permanent reminder to the parents of a very painful time in their lives.The good news is your awareness that you and your wife are not connected in a satisfying way.There are many possible areas to examine in your relationship as partners and as parents.If what you write here are your observations and theories about your wife's outlook and conclusions, then the first step is to directly have conversations together on the topics you write here.What needs clarifying is what her reasons are for wanting to leave the marriage.Often, a crisis such as a child's death, motivates someone to look deeply into other intimate relationships. Keep in mind that looking deeply doesn't necessarily mean leaving the marriage.Also, be aware of your own frustrations and marital discontent. Be ready to talk about your feelings and uncertainties.There is no such thing as one happy partner in a marriage and one unhappy partner. Each person is part of a system and can only be as satisfied as their partner.The conversations that open relationship hurts and disappointments, hold a lot of emotion. They are difficult to keep on track.Best recommendation is to find a couples therapist who will be neutral to each of you as individuals, and help both of you examine the true health of the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I loved him more than anything. He passed away on our anniversary which was also the day I was going to apply for our apartment. I'm not handling it well. I moved to a new town and started a new life but nothing helps.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear of your boyfriend's passing. Grief is something that can take a long time to recover from. Have you considered speaking with a grief counselor? Being able to speak with someone that specializes in grief would be very beneficial.Do not get down on yourself for not recovering quickly. This is one of the hardest aspects to deal with in life but eventually you will be able to move forward.In the mean time, immerse yourself with positivity (i.e. Good friends, hobbies, exercise) and try to schedule a time with a counselor.Perhaps there will be a support group you could also join. Oftentimes, it is comforting to meet others who share the same experience as you.Good luck to you. I hope you will find peace and comfort soon."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What can I do to stop grieving my mothers death? When I am awake I just cry every day. I don't have anyone to talk to. I need help; I am still cry over her. Will I ever stop crying? Its been 3 years.", "answerText": "I am sorry that you lost your mother. That is a really hard thing for someone to go through.There is really no set time for grief to be over, but I agree that if it has been three years and you are still crying every day then this is past the time for normal grief. I do not know how old you are and if you are in school or have a job, but I would imagine that if by now you literally were doing nothing but crying every day all day, someone would have noticed and would have gotten you some help. For one thing, bills have to be paid.There are typically five stages of grief and they can come in any order. You can go back to another stage that you previously experienced. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages.At first, people are usually in denial over the fact that they lose someone or are losing someone. This may mean that you deny they are ill or deny that they have actually died.Then comes bargaining, in which you may beg God that if you can only have this person back then you will do whatever.Depression is when the reality has settled in and when we cry and really feel the loss. It sounds like you are stuck in this phase.Finally, acceptance is when we accept that it has happened and we pick up the pieces of our life and move on.When we lose someone we never forget them. We may always have certain days that are tough, such as holidays or any special remembrance of your loved one. But we do get to the place where we accept that death is part of life and that it is inevitable, and that life goes on.A therapist can help you explore the reasons for your extended grief and can help you with coping skills to better deal with it. One suggestion I have is not to try to run from the sad feelings, dont try to not feel them. Embrace the feelings. Let the feelings wash over you and accept them. Trying not to feel something is not going to help. Sadness is a part of life and needs to be felt just like happiness does. Unpleasant feelings are not to be avoided.I am sincerely sorry that you lost your mother and that you have had such a hard time of it for three years now. You deserve to be happy and to live a full life. I am sure your mother would not want you being sad for so long. I wish you all the best as you continue to try to heal from this loss and deal with your grief."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Hello, I commend you for your courage in taking a look at the role alcohol has in your life. It sounds like you're concerned about what happens when you drink too much and I suspect you already know the answer to your question about whether you have a problem or not. I imagine you would like to stop feeling guilty and would like to avoid cheating on your boyfriend or other negative consequences and maybe have a fear of being or becoming an \"addict\" or \"alcoholic.\" You might have a \"problem\" but that does not necessarily mean that you are an addict.I don't have information to know if \"addiction\" or \"dependence\" or other words would best describe where you are with drinking, but it sounds like it's begun to have some negatives, so forgive me using words like addict, dependence and so on. I mean it more as a road map than a diagnosis. The feedback I'm writing here is very general and doesn't address physical dependence and many other factors that might apply to your situation. One of the ways to think about substance (mis)use is to think of addiction as a disease of avoidance. Let me repeat that: it is a disease of avoidance. Your ultimate task in living a balanced life is to figure out what you're avoiding and develop other ways to manage those feelings, experiences, and so on. And of course, along the way, you may want to look at triggers, situations, biological vulnerability, social pressures, coping skills, relapse prevention planning and so on. Depending on where you are in your drinking, you might very well benefit from expertise and support.Remember also that alcohol depresses our central nervous system and disinhibits us. That means that alcohol is often a substance of choice to relax, destress, calm down, etc. Also, it allows feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that we usually inhibit to be expressed. If you were unfaithful and often angry, that's your first signpost. For angry drinkers, it is often true that you don't drink and then get angry, you drink in order to express anger.I recommend you find someone you can speak frankly with, who is knowledgeable about addiction. Wishing you the best health and wellness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "The short answer is yes - if you feel 'really guilty after a night of drinking', then you probably have a problem. What you could do is visit this website by the National Institutes of Health:http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/How-much-is-too-much/ There you will find information on how many drinks is too much, and the general answer for women is more than seven drinks in a week. There is also a quiz you can take anonymously that will help you determine if your drinking is a problem. The good news is that you can get help for substance abuse through counseling, self-help programs, or alcoholics anonymous."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Guilt is a narcissistic, self-indulgent focus on me, me, me; it's best not to keep it in negative light;What does that mean? Well, it stems from mankind having an animal nature, and a spiritual nature;In most societies today, the animal nature is looked down upon, seen as egregious and something to be put away;If I may say to you, it is necessary and important (if you wish to end an experience called \"guilt\") to NOT regard your animal nature as negative, but to accept that you have it, and acknowledge it;The more openly a man or woman acknowledges they're animal-side, the quicker one may subdue it;Try giving your animal nature a name, and talk to it like a cute pet... \"Oh, hey, there, Snorky! Oh, what's that? You want to be a wealthy, famous Hollywood idol? Oh, really! Agaiiiiiiin, Snorky! Geez, you're impossible! Ain't you just the cutest thing!\""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "I offer that getting a professional assessment is in order to look at your relationship with alcohol."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you figure out if indeed you have a problem or not. I would say the first question you should ask yourself is why you are drinking? The second would be why you feel the need to drink in excess? It may be due to a life event or the crowd you are running with. Either way a therapist will be able to help you through this as you already made the first step in admitting you are having a difficult time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Usually when someone asks if they have a problem, they believe they do have a problem!The first step is to understand your own theory and definition as to what problem you feel you have. Some possibilities are feeling unhappy in the relationship to your boyfriend, not having enough discussion between the two of you, not feeling cared about by your boyfriend, not liking your boyfriend.Did you grow up in a family in which the grownups drank to the point of excess at the times they felt stressed?Family modeling of how to handle problems may have left you no knowing how to handle stress except to drink to excess.Ask yourself what it is you feel guilty of doing?The guilt may point you in a good direction if it is your sense of self-esteem telling you to find better ways of managing your life.Do you drink alone or together with friends?Try defining your specific reasons for drinking because this is the first step to know how to handle the situation differently."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Or how to send him somewhere that can help him, something like The Baker Act.", "answerText": "Your dad needs to be aware that he has a problem and be willing to make some changes in order for him to be motivated to stop. Often times individuals will be forced to stop when they were not ready. Remember we can not ever make someone do something they do not want to do. There needs to be at least a little willingness on the other party to make some changes. I would encourage you to reach out to your family or other loved ones and have a conversation with your dad regarding your concerns."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it (\"Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now.\"), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "First off, I would like to congratulate you on making the decision to stop smoking. The next thing I want to share is that there are so many different ways to kick the habit. Some people find solace in groups, while others prefer to see a counselor about this individually. Remember, that the crux of addiction is feeling one way and using a substance or thing to feel a different way. My suggestion is to find an addiction counselor and create an individualized plan together to help you stop smoking . Your chances of stopping smoking are much higher when you have professional support and a plan to work on outside of your sessions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "While smoking can be incredibly difficult to quit doing, it's not impossible, so the first thing to NOT lose is hope. And certainly planning to have a baby can be exactly the catalyst that one needs to motivate to complete this sort of task. But, as I said, it still won't be easy, even with the motivation there.There is a definite physical component, but it's great that you can acknowledge the psychological addiction that exists. It would be helpful to dive into what that psychological need actually is, as it can vary from person to person (whereas the physical addiction doesn't as much, and therefor can be helped through gums and patches and inhalers, etc.) Exploring and getting to the root of the psychological need can help you to determine what is going on for you psychologically, and how else you can meet those needs of yours, perhaps in much healthier and more adaptive ways, that also help you to feel really good about yourself. While replacement is not always advocated, having psychological needs is not something to be ashamed of, but rather nurtured."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "It's very admirable that you are trying to stop smoking for the sake of your health and your child's health. The mental aspect of quitting a drug can and usually is the hardest part. First, it can be helpful to change the focus of your thinking so you are focusing on the healthy behaviors you will start/improve rather than only focusing on the behavior that you are trying to stop. The reason for this is that our brains hear the main topic of our thoughts. That is, when you tell yourself \"quit smoking, quit smoking, quit smoking\", your brain hears \"smoking, smoking, smoking\". So we need to put together a self-care plan that addresses your thinking, emotions, and behaviors (nutrition, physical activity, and other stress reducing activities). The idea is to have an effective plan in place to both prevent yourself from feeling intense stress (which increases cravings) and to have a well-placed plan for when the intense cravings inevitably present themselves. And lastly, and possibly the most important; You have to believe you deserve to be the healthiest version of yourself. Think about the times when you are most vulnerable to smoke (stressful situations, after meals, when drinking, social situations, etc.). The use of affirmations is also an important resource as what we say to ourselves effects our mood. Repeatedly telling yourself \"i am healthy, \"i am getting healthier, \"my lungs are becoming clear and healthy\" or other affirmations like this. Even if you don't believe them at first, continue saying them. This step is important to improve cognitive flexibility which trains your brain to be open to change. Think about activities that you like to do or that you would like to try and replace smoking with those activities. Any activity that can make you laugh (time with friends, watching comedies, etc.) will evoke a calming response because when we feel happy, we typically don't feel stressed out simultaneously."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "Breaking any habit is no easy feat. Cutting down or cutting out cigarettes is very challenging, and there aren't any one size fits all solutions. Fortunately, there are a lot of tricks and tools that you can use to stop smoking. 1. Many habits that we have are paired habits. If we do one thing, then we will do the other thing. Think about the activities that you do when smoking and try to pair those activities with another activity other than smoking. For instance, many people smoke while they drive. Consider planning another activity to do while driving. (It might not be driving for you, but you get the idea! :)). It might be taking a walk instead of smoking on your break at work. 2. Create distance between you and the habit you are trying to break. This approach could be used in a variety of different ways. If you smoke first thing in the morning, consider leaving your cigarettes in a different room in your home. Walking the extra couple of feet could help you decide not to smoke. Leave your credit or debit cards at home and carry less emergency cash than a pack of cigarettes. With this strategy, you are trying to create some distance between you the cigarettes so that you have to jump through extra hoops to get them. 3. Consider cutting back before cutting out. If you are smoking 10 cigarettes a day, try smoking 9. Then cut back to 8 and so on. Having a plan to reduce harm may be more sustainable than cutting things out altogether.4. You could also talk to your doctor about the safety of nicotine patches. If you aren't already pregnant, this could be a great resource to help boost your success. 5. Focus on what you are gaining instead of what you are loosing. You may be losing cigarettes,but you are gaining money, health, taste buds, an increased sense of smell, lung capacity, a healthy baby etc. You could plan small rewards/ treats with the money you save from decreasing cigarette purchases. I recommendmaking these purchases small and frequent to keep up the momentum rather than waiting for a big payout a couple of months down the road. Good luck! Cutting out cigarettes will be good for you and your baby."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "Hopefully you feel you have the time to follow this procedure.1. For a week - log when you smoke - time, place and activity2. Plan on cutting back 10% for a week.Cut out the easiest times.3.Next change the times and and activities for 3 days - consider water or candy or gum if it is very tough.4. Cut another 10% each week until you are done."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "It is very good news that you realize the risks of smoking cigarettes while pregnant and are willing to stop.Thinking about smoking is a typical and frequent reaction to being without the substance.Be creative with what you know about yourself to distract you when this psychological urge comes up. My suggestions are to imagine smoking if you find this would relieve the sense of wanting to smoke.Or, do the opposite and remind yourself of all the good reasons to not smoke.Also, since you're planning pregnancy then ask your partner for ideas on how to make the psychological feeling to want to smoke, feel less intense.Another suggestion is that your partner is your texting buddy to stop smoking. With AA groups, a sponsor is always available for the alcoholic who feels distress about the urge to drink. Having a trusted and caring person to tell about your problem helps in many situations. Maybe it will help you to stop smoking.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "Quitting smoking can be difficult. It's also true that there is part that is sometimes a physical need and a part that is often connected to emotions in some way. From the way that you wrote this, it sounds like you may have been able to stop smoking physically, but still have cravings.One thing you can do is talk with your primary care physician or OB/GYN about whether there is anything that you can take to help with the cravings. Sometimes that can very helpful.As far as the more emotional or mental piece, these things come to mind:Sometimes a crucial part is looking at the habit of smoking and seeing what else you can do to keep your mind and hands busy. There are sometimes toys, like those available at Office Playground, that may help to keep you physically occupied.There can also be changes or additions to your routine because I imagine that smoking took up a great deal of your time. Maybe when you have the temptation to get up and go to have a cigarette, you could have several other things that you can get up and do instead. The list is endless, but a few examples could be doing some physical exercise (with the permission of your doctor) just for a couple minutes because that could help with the craving as well, completing a puzzle, learning a new activity that requires using your hands (painting or knitting, perhaps).Another piece of quitting smoking is often linked to anxiety or other emotional changes, perhaps irritability. Depending on what it is that you may be feeling, learning other strategies to use can be helpful as well.This can all be quite overwhelming and a very big life change. I would recommend that if things do not become easier for you, consider talking with a therapist. Then you could not only have some more strategies or ideas directly related to you, but you could have very direct support for what you are trying to do.I give you a lot of credit!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "It can be challenging to quite anything once we set our mind to it. We often crave the things more that we know we can not or should not have. With that being said I would encourage you to become aware of the chemical dependency part that cigarettes have on your brain and your body. Then make yourself aware of the mental part the habit part. Often times people will engage in smoking again just from the mere social aspect of it. Make yourself aware of these and devise a plan of the things you will do instead of going out on smoke breaks, or the ritual of smoking in the car on on the back porch. There are plenty of support groups out there to help with this as well. Smoking cessation is a good resource."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I recently broke up. One week, we were fine, and the next, he told me he needed space. He completely deleted me out of his life. He does have an opiate addiction. He claimed he was sober, but since we've split, I've heard many lies from him. Could he be using again, and does this addiction affect the mind?", "answerText": "Studies have proven that addiction affects the brain, there are many coping skills that addicts use to enable their addiction as well. I would recommend that you speak with someone abut your relationship and your concerns. Not only so you can have more clarity in the situation but we often tend to gravitate around or toward the same types of individuals. Being more aware of your relationship will help you in the future when re-engaging in personal relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.", "answerText": "Your friend needs to admit they have a problem. If not no matter how many pills you take they will find a way to get more. It is also a federal offense to take someone else's medication so if you did take it she could have you arrested. In other instances it can be more dangerous to take medication away than slowly tapering off of them. Like anything we put into our system our tolerance builds up and can effect us in different ways. I would listen to her and discuss why she feels that she needs to be on the medications rather than playing bad cop in this situation. Encourage her to get help and let her know you re there for her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.", "answerText": "Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her.Unless your friend feels like stopping pills, taking them away will mean she finds them some place else.The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted.Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life.Her problem is bigger than your ability to care.If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills.This is not a guarantee that she'll stop.It isa way of you showing that you care about her.Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her.Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you.Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself. Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.", "answerText": "Hello! Thank you for your question. I have a worked with many people who have become addicted to benzodiazepines, like Clonazepam. It is a difficult road for people who are trying to become clean. It is also a very difficult road for those who love the person and are trying to be supportive. During those times, it is important to remember to take care of yourself, too. As for taking your friend's pills, my concern would be the legal ramifications that you could face should you ever be caught with someone else's prescription medication, and especially these types of medications. Our laws have become much more strict surrounding prescription drug sales and possession due to the increase in prescription drug abuse. In addition, people who are in active addiction are likely to find some other means to get their drug, so it would do little to help the overall problem. I don't know about your friend's family situation, but they may be a better route to take if you are concerned about your friend. They may already be involved, but with your helpyoumaybe able to convince your friend to go to treatment willingly. That is usually better. In many states, there are also involuntary committal processes where a person's family may be able to convince a court to force the person into treatment. This varies from state to state. If your friend's family is not aware of this option, it may be something to look into. It usually does take a relative, or a medical provider, to begin this process if it is available. I hope this was helpful, and I wish you and your friend well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She's my stepmom. I'm pretty sure she's illegally buying the drugs and hiding them from my dad.", "answerText": "I would suggest having a conversation with your dad and then having a conversation as a family with your stepmom. Usually there are other signs of use that can often be missed. Be aware of behavior changes and mood swings. Be supportive and ready to listen often times individuals suffering from addiction will deny use until they are ready for help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My brother has been a heroin addict for years, and hes now in his mid-30s. He has taken from me my mom and my grandparents. He's sick in the head. Now he moved his girlfriend into the house because they both manipulated us. Today, my mom and my brother went toe-to-toe over his girlfriend not helping around the house and always being high. I ended up hitting my brother for getting so close to my mom's face. I feel terrible, but he's always picking his girlfriend over us. Mind you, he tells other girls that he hates his girlfriend, he's single, and she's only living here because he feels bad. We tried kicking them out and everything, but nothing is working. They do nothing to try and help.", "answerText": "I think the best thing for you is to speak with someone on how you can best cope with the situation. It can be challenging living in a household with someone who is currently addicted. It is also important that you realize that you can only work on yourself. Other individuals need to take the same accountability. Enabling often happens in households with addiction. It can be a challenging environment to live in."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that your brother has been having such a rough time. He's lucky to have you on his side (although he may not always see it that way).As far as whether you can sign him in, that depends on a lot of different things.I would suggest that you Google the state and county that you live in as well as some phrase similar to \"crisis hotline.\" They can tell you how it works in that county. My guess is that you could sign him in as long as he met the criteria for admission at that moment, but I can't be entirely sure.You could also ask the person on the phone about financial responsibility. I have not heard of that being a problem, but I guess it would depend on insurance.If you have trouble finding a local hotline, consider calling the national crisis number (800-273-8255) and ask them to help you find someone local."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?", "answerText": "Thanks for asking this question. I know it can be really difficult to deal with issues like this.To answer your question, you might be able to get you brother some mental health help, even if he doesn't recognize that he needs it. In most states, an individual can request a mental health evaluation of a family member if that family member poses a danger to themselves or someone else, or if they are unable to take care of their own basic needs.You can always call 911 if you are concerned about his immediate safety (for example if you find him sleeping outside in below freezing weather. As an alternative to calling 911, you might also be able to request an evaluation from an authorized mental health provider. The deatsils of who you would contact vary from state to state. Here's a link with some additional resources:http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/someone-i-know-is-in-crisisHe's lucky to have a brother who cares for his wellbeing as much as you do."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?", "answerText": "The answer depends on what State you live.Since the description you write here is that your brother may be a serious risk to himself and others, it is worth contacting a mental health hotline or one of your local area hospitals and talk to a social worker or other professional level person in their psychiatry department. Ask the same question you posted here. Your question is a good one and merits serious follow through."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?", "answerText": "Hello, My heart goes out to you, your brother, and your family, dealing with a very painful and difficult situation.In New York, you can't institutionalize someone else directly. You can, however, call the police or EMS. If they agree that he would benefit from hospitalization (and it sounds like they would), he can be held in the hospital for up to 72 hours, whether he agrees or not. Some hospitals will not hold a person that long, in spite of what we might want. I have seen many patients in and out of hospitals countless times, and it has been my experience that it can be extremely difficult to hold a person long enough to achieve good stability and an appropriate after-care plan. Hospitals in NYC tend to take a \"patch and release\" approach more often than I would like.It's been my experience that family makes a difference. Assertive, knowledgeable, persistent family can improve the quality of your loved one's care. Hospitals are highly pressured to discharge people quickly but they can not discharge a homeless person without someplace to go. If your family is willing to accept your brother, that will be the path of least resistance for the hospital. If the family refuses, they will be forced to find another path for him. You can also pressure the hospital to refer to rehab after psychiatrically stablized (which may only take a few days) and that may give your brother more time to begin making clear-headed decisions.If your brother has a psychiatrist, that person should be actively involved. I had a patient patched-and-released three times, in spite of my advocacy and him literally beggingto remain and stop his voices. We finally got a 90 day hospitalization because I strong-armed his psychiatrist into demanding that the hospital stabilize his patient. If your brother has a history of non--compliance with oral medications, you can push the hospital for injection, which again will help your brother stay stable for longer.Best wishes to you and your family."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "What an important question. I'm hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for concern. While there can be negative stigma about using substances, for the most part substance use is an attempt to cope with emotional distress in the absence of sufficient coping strategies. We all look for comfort when we are in pain and this may be the way that you are getting comfort - even though it is also hurting you. In order to stop using alcohol and weed you will need a lot of support and you will need to learn other ways of getting comfort when you are in pain or struggling with bipolar related symptoms.There is nothing to be ashamed of and we all need help when we are struggling. I would encourage you to reach out for support in any way that you can.Have you talked with your health care providers about your concerns or friends or family members?Here are some links of resources in Whistler that may be helpful:http://www.vch.ca/locations-and-services/find-health-services/?program_id=11035http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/service/9509054_9509054/whistler_mental_health_and_addictionshttp://mywcss.org/programs/counselling-assistance/http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/organization/9489472/alcoholics_anonymous_aa___squamishwhistler"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "You may feel hopeless but YOU are not hopeless. Addictions of any sort are difficult to overcome, especially when they serve to bury pain and suffering that one is experiencing. It is not impossible to overcome alcohol or drug use/abuse/dependence on your own, but you will likely find much greater success with the help of a therapist or other support system such as rehabilitation or Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest doing a bit of research to see what type of helpis available and feasible for you in your area and go from there. Know that recovery takes time, willingness, and effort. Don't give up and remember that you are not hopeless. You can make the choice to change your habits and learn new ways of healthy coping. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "Anyone who wants to change their life path, eventually will be successful in this. How to stop abusing alcohol involves a few steps, most of them time consuming, with slow progress and very often with tremendous emotional pain.The basic path is to figure out what motivates you to drink too much and be addicted to weed. Almost always, addictions are rooted in the person having suffered feeling deeply ignored, humiliated, shamed, invisible, nothing very pleasant, since a very young age, usually starting around 18 months.Most often addicts are sensitive people who have been emotionally overburdened by the grownups in their family.With no outlet for emotional expression or nurturing, the frustration goes inward until the emotional pain feels very big and without an outlet.So, people mask and numb by substances, whether this is food, chocolate, work, alcohol, weed.Therapy that is humanistic based, is a better fit than one which is drug oriented and diagnosis oriented.If you'd like getting serious about knowing who you are, including any unfair treatment of you during your growing up years, you can do this.Once you have a stronger self-respect and awareness, you would naturally avoid substances because they harm people. Harming oneself is the opposite of self-respect.Also, about your diagnosis, it may not be true at all. the US healthcare system loves selling drugs to people and clinicians in agencies and clinics are encouraged to find something wrong with people in order to find a new customer who will take drugs.See if you can find a therapist who is independent minded, and therefore free to interact therapeutically with you as a human being, not as a potential customer if they are able to label you as having something \"wrong\".This simply continues the long line of being shamed by others that created the addiction problem in the first place.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change. Frequently our problems keep us in denial. Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone. The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together. Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction. Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed.I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not. If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues. Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing. You can get control over these issues. The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "You are not hopeless, as you can see there are many people who care about your well being and believe you can overcome this. I would suggest that you first get evaluated for your alcohol consumption. Alcohol is one of the addictions that you may need to seek inpatient treatment for. If not inpatient then be monitored by a doctor. Once you are evaluated and or complete inpatient treatment I would suggest you participate in a form of outpatient therapy on a consistent basis."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My new daughter-in-law just informed me that she is smoking marijuana while pregnant because of her morning sickness. Im in shock and I dont know how to respond. I just lost my mom, and she was good with advice.", "answerText": "Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic? When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions.Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law.Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation.Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law.It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better.Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way.Sending Good luck!."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is challenging to see one's parents age and to cope with the new demands. Your mom means a lot to you, and that is why you get easily frustrated. I'm guessing that it is not that she is making you do work or that her expectations are non-important to you because if that were the case, you would not feel any guilt. Accepting the new stage will help you cope with the changes. Take a deep breath every time you feel frustrated and think of the good times you shared with your mom before her getting Alzheimer's. Remember that your mom as she was is no longer and that she has reverted to a more delicate phase. Also, schedule time for yourself and do things that help you relax. Caretaking of an elderly parent can take a toll on you, and it is essential to incorporate self-care. Finally, look for an Alzheimer's support group in your area that will help you connect with other people going through the same thing. You are a good daughter, and your mom is lucky to have you in her life.Sincerely, Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "There is some great advice here that can really help, but you need some direct support. Please find a caregiver support organization, a grief group and an individual therapist to help you during this trying time. Your mom may not know what she is saying, or mean the awful things she says, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Please take care of yourself and gt some help!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "It's a good question man, and it must be terrible to see your mother in the state she's in.Understand that Alzheimer's is due to under-performing function of kidneys, adrenals, and connective tissue strengtheners; all of which may be corrected with appropriate protocols that are inexpensive and generally simple to follow.Imagine it like a flower that is not fed properly: A once, beautifully blossom flower APPEARS to be wilting, but it's life-force, spirit, and essence remain fully there and present. And your mom hears you.Let's clean her out, and see her smile return."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Make sure that you continue to treat your Mom with respect. However, you also need to make sure that you have time away from her so that the stress of caring for her doesn't overwhelm you. Balance is the key!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "You have the answer already. It is not your mom's fault. Always remember that in spite of the disease, that human being you call mom is still there. To cope with the feelings of frustration, anger, and guilt, practice accepting what is at this time. Bring peace to these feelings and commit to move on to provide your mom love. If you can, use mindfulness meditation to stay focus and calm your brain."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is very difficult to move from being the child to be the care giver as in your situation. Your mother's behavior as you describe it is a part of this disease. As the disease progresses and she is less aware of the present including her surroundings and who she is speaking to. Your response of anger and frustration are understandable. It is also a part of the grief process as you see you mother slipping away mentally. In the moment that you feel the anger step away, take some deep breathes and give yourself time to calm down. Then return to whatever you were doing with her. Caregivers of Alzheimer's patients need a lot of support themselves. There are support groups as well as respite services available in many areas that will help you understand the process that each of you is going through. You can get more information about Alzheimer's disease and local resources by going to www.alz.org"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "When you feel the frustration and anger building inside you have that be a trigger for you to remember a feeling that you want to experience instead of anger, frustration and guilt, for example understanding. Then say that word to yourself as you take deep breaths. But know that this is normal for caregivers/family members to have these reactions because it is also an emotional roller coaster for you. Even though it is normal it is still good to try to respond differentyl and I commend you for doing that. You also may want to look for a Caregiver Support group which will help you hear from others who also respond this way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Let me first say that I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is a symptom of an ugly disease, but that does not make experiencing it any easier. If your mother was a sweet and understanding lady, I am sure this change in personality feels awful! On the other hand, if your relationship with her has always been difficult this can definitely open up old wounds and anger.I have walked alongside many families as they care for a loved one with Alzheimer's disease. It is unfortunately common to see mothers become cruel and mean toward their daughters. In your case, it sounds like she is not directing her anger at just you. While this may feel less personal, I am sure it makes finding supportive care for her very difficult. I have several quick tips that might help you cope with this situation.1. Stay tuned in to your level of anger and frustration. If you can limit the amount of time you or anyone else is with your mother you can limit the caregiver burnout. It is completely NORMAL to feel what you are feeling!! However, these are the feelings that can lead to acting out and abuse when not acknowledged. It doesn't sound like this is the case for you, but healthy boundaries and exercising respite will help with your feelings of guilt as well. So, rotate care as much as possible.2. If you find yourself arguing with your mom, STOP. Don't worry, we have all been there before. No need to feel guilty, but this only serves to agitate someone. None of us enjoys being wrong and getting into an argument. For those of us who are able to logically engage with others, sometimes this type of interaction is necessary. Alzheimer's disease has robbed your mother of her logic, therefore arguing with her will only make matters worse. Try redirecting her instead. For tips on how to do this check out Teepa Snow (teepasnow.com)3. Take care of yourself and seek support. Support groups and counseling are a great way to tend to your needs during this long journey. Caregiving can be overwhelming, lonely and heartbreaking. You don't have to go through this alone. Check out Alz.org for support groups in your area."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "From your initial description, I would say that your mother is \"Maloriented\". In this stage of Alzheimer's individuals tend to be blaming and difficult to deal with. They may often hide or throw things away and then blame family members for this. In addition, if they are incontinent, they may blame a leaky roof or something else when they are wet. You are correct that this is not her fault, but often for family members this does not make it any easier for you to cope.I strongly suggest that you learn communication strategies that will help you to communicate with your mother in a way that lets her work through the difficulties associated with the disease. I always suggest Validation techniques to family members.In addition, you need to give yourself some kind attention and take time out from your circumstances as needed. You need to be able to center yourself and come to acceptance that this is your mother's illness that is the problem, not her and certainly not you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Yes, certainly your mom's difficulty in having meaningful conversations with people results from the Alzheimer's disease process which weakens her brain function.Feeling a sense of guilt in relation to a parent, is pretty common for everyone.This is because as little kids and babies, we had a strong reliance on a parent and believing every word they sad and wishing to follow each action they ask or demand, was for the benefit of our own survival.One way of coping with your feeling of guilt is to examine it.Ask what it is you're feeling guilty about?Chances are that your sense of guilt is less due to what you're currently saying or doing to help your mom.Very likely, your guilt feeling is awakening the sense of obligation that you and all of us feel toward a parent simply because parents seem to have unquestionable power when we are very young.After all, you're thoughtful enough to write a question, so chances are great that you're already actively involved in caring for your mom."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and I can see that she has lost some of her intellectual abilities. Even though I know this disease is not her fault, Im still finding it difficult to separate my own feelings of disappointment and frustration when my mom seems to ignore my opinions and wishes, and seems", "answerText": "Good observation on your part, to distinguish that your feelings in relation to your mom are not necessarily connected to the way she handles her part of the relation toward you.Has your mom usually ignored your opinions and wishes in relating to you?If prior to the onset of Alzheimer's, she never examined her way of relating to you, and if both of you have never had an open conversation about your sense of feeling hurt by her attitudes and manner with you, then the relationship between you and your mom will change in ways other than rational dialogue.She may continue ignoring or overlooking your wishes because she's been stuck in this attitude for most of your life.The good news for you about this is realizing that who you are and your way of relating to your mom, has very little to do with the way she relates to you.This is a more profound disappointment because it shows that her disconnect from you has been for longer than when the Alzheimer's began.You can however, feel a little more free knowing that you're not deserving of being ignored."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and I can see that she has lost some of her intellectual abilities. Even though I know this disease is not her fault, Im still finding it difficult to separate my own feelings of disappointment and frustration when my mom seems to ignore my opinions and wishes, and seems", "answerText": "There are many conflicting emotions and tasks that arise when one becomes a caretaker for their parent.Expressing positive emotions to her (i.e. \"Mom, I love and care for you, and enjoy our time together. I'm sorry I can't stay long\"( may help re-frame your thoughts and have a fresh perspective on the situation. Additionally, Visual cues like pictures and notes can also be helpful for those who suffer from disorders like Alzheimer's and Dementia, as it offers a \"Trigger\" for memory, helping to ease the doors to communication.Finding support in other family members, or a therapist familiar with elder care issues may be helpful as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?", "answerText": "If the only way the relationship you have with your mother feels \"okay\" is when she is the only one who makes decisions concerning your life, then this only seems ok.In fact it is not okay for one person to be the authority for another person unless the one for whom this is being done, does not have their own ability to think for themselves.Separating your own wishes and way of handling life matters, from your mother's point of view, may be difficult.First, realize you need to get familiar with feeling at ease with the idea of deciding matters for yourself.You'll need practice until you feel comfortable.Unless, if you've been thinking through decisions you'd like to make and the idea of your mother's anger is the only point which stopped you, then you may almost instantly start living in a liberated way of running your own life.Basically, it is right and fair for you to have the chance to live your life the way you feel is best. Be prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?", "answerText": "ABSOLUTELY. Having someone who's outside the situation and, even more so, with knowledge and experience in human behavior and relationship dynamics such as a counselor can do wonders in helping us feel less alone in frustrating situations like the one you're currently stuck in with your mother. A professional can also assist you in finding some assertiveness techniques, communication strategies, and coping skills to help you find your voice and stand your ground in a way that feels most authentic to you.In a healthy parent-child dynamic, there comes a normal developmental shift when, as the child reaches each new stage of maturity and responsibility, the parent backs off to provide a more supportive role instead of directive role. We call this \"redefining relationships.\" (We also do it with our friendships and colleagues here and there over time as needed). It's absolutely vital.Sounds like your mom may have missed that memo.Like many parents, she may feel your behavior and choices is a direct reflection of her. Or that her role as your mother allows her greater latitude than it should. Or like many other people in general, that her way is the ONLY way.Regardless, this is YOUR life. And as far as we know, it's not a dress rehearsal. You certainly don't want to wake up some 50 years from now regretful or resentful.That being said, there are certainly ways to show her love and respect while doing what makes you happy.I would encourage you to Google therapists near you whose bios resonate with you and what you're looking for and start on a the journey towards a new chapter of freedom and hopefully a deeper, more satisfying mother-daughter relationship for both of you.Warmest regards,Tamara Powell, LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.", "answerText": "Hi Lincoln,It can be very difficult for children who have lost a parent to then see their other parent moving forward with anyone, so I understand how this change is even more upsetting to you.And...your father and your friend have clearly established a friendship and fallen in love. Did you see this coming? I hope they didn't hide it from you. If they did, maybe this is the issue? It would be a legitimate one.But in the end, your father, and your friend, are adults who are free to fall in love with whomever they wish and hopefully they can count on the support of people who trust and love them. Could there be blessings here you haven't seen yet? It seems you love this person who is like a sister; could it be a good thing that her place in your life is more permanent?Ask yourself these questions... \"What is the worst part of this?\" \"What do I fear losing?\" \"What do I fear at all?\" \"What is the evidence that this will happen?\" The answers might surprise you.Your children will follow your lead. If you are supportive of their grandfather, they will follow suit.Hopefully you can grieve the change, know that your mother would likely want both of them to be happy, and embrace the blessings that come with having this woman close to you in a new way. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.", "answerText": "How are you measuring whether or not your dad understands your wish?Your dad understanding your wish does not mean he will necessarily follow through with what you want.Based on what you describe about your relationship to the woman in question, your discomfort with the idea of your dad marrying your friend, is reasonable.Have the conversation with your dad that includes your viewpoint, and also ask him for his impression of your feelings.Its even possible he already has considered your feelings and hasn't yet told you.It is also possible that a conversation on the subject, as well as your dad following through with his decision to marry your best friend, may develop in a very positive way.Part of the current uneasiness you feel may be from fear of how a change in circumstances and introducing new relationship dynamics might feel.Given that the person who died was your mom, maybe your emotions are not yet ready seeing your dad with a replacement spouse.Try to see the situation from the point of everyone, including yourself, who is involved in this major change. Maybe having a family discussion about acceptance and readiness to accept a new partner for your dad, would open new empathy for all of these family members."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.", "answerText": "That's intense. This person moving from a friend of yours to both a friend of yours and, in a sense, your step mom is a lot. I wonder if you have let your dad know what's going through your mind with this and how it is affecting you. I can imagine that could feel awkward and emotional. Still, getting him to understand might be as simple as letting him know, in your words, how this feels from your view as well as what you wish. It may not change the outcome (he may still marry her), but your thoughts will not go unsaid and opens it up for conversation. Best luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It is understandable that it's very hard for you to hear daily complaints from your mother regarding the caregiving of your niece. You cannot change your mother's feelings and responsibilities, which could create feelings of frustration and helplessness. It must be equally hard for your mother to assume full responsibility for your niece at a time where your sister cannot take care of her. This type of responsibility usually produces an enormous amount of stress and pressure because your mother and niece would both need to adapt to this new relationship, living situation, and the feeling of being \"abandoned.\"Not knowing the history of your relationship with your mother and how you respond to each other in times of need, it may be difficult to fight the right recommendation on how to deal with this situation. Nonetheless, it is not easy to have to face daily complaints and you may have to set a healthy balance between empathy and boundary setting with your mother and some personal boundaries for yourself.It is likely that your mother's \"complaints\" may be her desperate cry for help because she does not know how to cope with stress or how to ask for the right kind of support. In this case, you could calmly and respectfully tell her the next time you hear her complain, \"This must be very difficult for you because I hear the stress in your voice almost everyday. It's very hard for me to hear you feeling so overwhelmed. I feel helpless in this situation and would like to suggest that it might be helpful for you to seek some professional help and support to deal with such a big matter of importance.\" When empathy and understanding is communicated, recipients are usually more open because they hear and feel the caring behind it and are more likely to seek additional help.After sharing this message of empathy and encouragement to seek help, the next step is to protect yourself by explaining to your mother where your limits are so that she understands what she can expect from you. This means that you can decide the kind of support or help you are willing to give your mother and/or niece that is within your ability to provide without feeling overwhelmed. This could involve inviting them to dinner occasionally, taking them out to see a movie or inviting your niece over to give your mother respite. You could then say to her if she complains again, \"I cannot change the way you feel in this situation and I encourage you to seek professional advice about that but what I could do is .........(explain what you could do to help).\"www.PsychologyResource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Then one day when life between you and mom feels calm, tell your mom that you aren't able to listen to her complaints about your sister.The truth exists whether or not it is acknowledged. Bu acknowledging what feels real and necessary in your life, you are helping your mom see what she may not like to see and what nevertheless is right in front of her.There is no good reason or good to come of hiding your own truth about not wishing to continue listening to your mom complain."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "This sounds stressful.You mentioned that you want to learn how to avoid them. I'm not sure whether you want to avoid them overall or if you would like to ask your mom to maybe only talk to you about it for a few minutes about your niece in each conversation that you have.Maybe you can connect your mom with some support. It sounds as if she has lost part of herself and/or is very stressed out and in talking with you about it because she trusts you enough for you to be someone she can speak openly, you are becoming stressed because of things that you cannot directly change. This is the presumptive based on the amount of information that you posted, but it sounds like there is a bit of a circle of stress here.I also wonder who you could talk with when you are stressed.It may be helpful to see a local mental health professional to help redefine some boundaries so you can have the type of relationship with your mother that you want without necessarily feeling stressed out by it every day."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Both you and your mom are in a tough spot. She has returned to parenting after she thought she had raised her kids, and while I am sure you'd like to be supportive, you recognize that listening to her complaints really does not help her and drains you. In addition to that, it sounds like Mom's complaining has become \"the\" conversation she has with you, leaving other, more fulfilling conversations out of your relationship.Think about what you want instead with your mom. More time with just her? A chance to offer true help,not just listen to complaints? When you have some idea of what you want, tell her. You can do this kindly and respectfully, with a concern for both her and your relationship with her. It might go something like this...\"Mom, you really have your hands full. Sis dumped your grandbaby on you and I bet this isn't how you imagined grandparenting would look. It's got to be hard and I am not sure how I can be helpful. Beyond that, I really miss talking to you about other things. So, Mom, is there something I can do that would be helpful? If not, let's talk about something else\".In addition to that, if your mom is open to other resources, help her find them - she needs some emotional support from a non-family member.Good luck to you both - and to your niece. It is a hard situation for you all."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It is difficult to implement healthy boundaries when the person is a parent or family member. I would encourage you to identify how it makes you feel after talking with your mother. Work on establishing healthy boundaries where you do not feel obligated to engage the complaining daily. Maybe setting a time limit to talk with your mother and practicing how to be assertive and not disrespect or aggressive. Helping your mother understand how you feel using \"I\" statements i.e ( I feel _____ when you call to talk about my sister). Maybe asking your mom how can you be supportive of her during this time other than listening to her vent. It may also be helpful for your mother to get connected with support groups to help her cope with this life change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Buy the book \"Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.\" Read it. Apply it.Seriously, I'm not joking. You're not wrong to \"not want to hear it anymore\" but if you don't maintain healthy boundaries, you will allow your family to make you feel guilty for \"not wanting to hear it anymore\". That's not fair to you.Give a copy to your mom, too. No, I didn't write the book nor do I have any affiliation with it - I simply recommend it because it's a wonderful book and it helped me out a lot. I recommend it to a lot of people. It should be required reading!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "This sounds like a possible boundary issue. Boundaries are important in relationships. They are invisible lines that we will or will not cross. It is up to us to create and hold them. We have the ability to rethink them and change them as needed. It sounds like you have thought it through and would like to makes changes in the relationship between your mother and you. In the main question, you want to avoid the family member, however in the following comment, it sounds like you may just want the avoid that conversation, not so much your mother.Once we review the issue and decide what we need (create the boundary), I suggest opening talking with the person when everyone is calm (not in the middle of a stressful moment when we often are unable to focus and hear the other person). Always understanding that we had time to think about this issue and the other person has not (catching them off guard). State clearly your need. Such as \"I am not comfortable with hearing about my sister. It stresses me out. I would appreciate it if you would not bring it up anymore. If you do, I will not respond and I will change the subject \" It is important to use \"I\" statements. I feel\" this way\". I will \"do this\". We only have power over our actions. Also when we use \"you \" comments, the other person can become defensive and unable to hear what we are saying.Once we let ourselves know what we need, then let the other people know our new boundary, then it is up to us to follow through. We will make mistakes. Not follow through every time with our boundary. That is okay. Start again. It gets easier with practice. It is also appropriate to reconsider and change your boundary as needed. Just let the others know when you need to change it. Remember, they can not read our minds.I wish you much strength and hope the best for you and your family.www.parishhealthandwellness.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It can really be difficult to listen to someone constantly complain and it can take a lot of emotional energy to be the listening ear to someone struggling. Perhaps having a conversation with your mother about making the communication more productive in nature. It seems like your mother is obviously having some difficulties and she is stuck, therefore making you stuck listening to complaints on repeat. Explain to her the impact it has on you to listen to the complaining and not working towards changing things or coming to a level of acceptance or even making the conversation mutual, such as her being there for you. This may or may not help her to come around, but at least it can open up the conversation and be an effort towards initiating a change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "These are common challenges that involve setting healthy boundaries with family, as well as friends and co-workers. Therapy can help you to define, establish and enforce boundaries between self and others by being assertive. This involves determining what things make you uncomfortable and how to communicate that with assertive, not passive, not aggressive, actions and language."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It is important to set boundaries with those that stress you out. I encourage people to validate the other persons feelings by saying \"I am sorry you are going through this.\" Then, to set the boundary bye stating what you need from them or what you are trying to do with your life to destress and that you can't be a listening ear right now. This will need to be a repeated conversation, but over time you will notice less stress."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Sounds like it is time to set some boundaries with your mom. You can do this by letting her know that you understand how she is feeling and you understand that she is under a tremendous amount of stress. Validate her feelings and words. After you do that, tell her how hearing about it daily is affecting you let. Let her know that it is hard for you to hear how stressed she is, how hard it is you to have these daily calls. Let her know that you are feeling stressed about her own well being. You can then suggest that she find a therapist to speak to about how she is feeling and what she is going through. I suggest writing out what you want to say, before you say it. Practice saying it a few times so that it flows naturally when you do have the conversation with her.Also, when you start setting boundaries with people they don't usually like it. They give some sort of push back either by expressing disappointment or anger towards you. This has nothing to do with you. This is them having a hard time hearing and accepting the boundary you are setting. The other thing people tend to do when you set a boundary is to test it. In this situation it might look like your mom calling you the next day as if the two of you never had the conversation. In this situation it falls on you to set the boundary again, by having the same conversation again with her. Over time she will accept the boundary and she will be OK with it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "This sounds very stressful. Setting boundaries is important to maintaining a peace of mind. If you have not communicated your feelings to your family member, that would be a good first step. Communicate with the intent of simply expressing your feelings and your expectations going forward. Do not blame or shame because that will blur your intent. Going forward, consistently stick to your new boundaries. That may mean not picking up your phone for each call. Soon enough the message will be clear. Good luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "I just want to understand before I answer. Who exactly is complaining?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that this was your experience with your family. I truly wish Icould give you some things to say to them that would change their reaction, but unfortunately I can't do that. Their acceptance of youis a journey, just like coming out is a journey for you. Sometimes families initially respond this way, but after time they become more accepting and even supportive. Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure if that will happen. So, here are a few things I would suggest:Surround yourself with people and things that remind you that you really are okay as you are. That won't take the place of your family's acceptance, and I won't even pretend that it would, but it may help during those days when it hurts the most. And that is really important. Patience is not something that many of us are really good at, but this type of situation sometimes forces you to have some. When families first learn something like this, they may go through a period of shock. And then sometimes even grieving. They may even be worried if they are of a particular religion where being bisexual is forbidden. These things can take time for them to reconcile, so it may just take some patience. If it is safe for you, try to talk to them, but if it becomes painful or hurtful then you have the right to walk away. I do recommend setting upsome personal boundaries for yourself, and perhaps learn some assertiveness skills if you feel you struggle with them. The reason I feel that this is important is that people sometimes take a lot of abuse from family members and friends in times like you're describing. They may want to be accepted so much that they put themselves in hurtful positions over and over again hoping that their families will come around. They may, or they may not. And if they don't, you deserve to live a life free of abuse and to feel confident and assured of who you are. To be surrounded by folks who remind you of that.If you startseeing this pattern and you are struggling, chatting withcounselor may be a great idea. I am bias probably, but I think chatting with a counselor is ALWAYS a good idea. :)Hope this helps. Be well. Be you. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "I am sorry to read that this happened to you. If your family is not supportive of you, this can be a huge challenge. Are you dependent on them in some way (financially, etc.)? This could affect choices you make at this point. Make sure you connect with a supportive community or people and organizations that are afforming of you and your identity. If you are unable to receive support from your family, you can lean on them if necessary. If you feel your family needs more information you can always refer them to appropriate websites and organizations that can help them to understand that this is natural and normal and learn the negative effects of non-affirming people in the life of LGBTQ+ individuals."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear this has been your familys reaction. It is truly heartbreaking to hear. The important thing to remember is that your identity as bisexual is valid and you are worthy of love, no matter what other people say.The other therapists below have given you some great advice on how to cope with your family's reaction and how to manage the pain you are feeling. I wanted add to their responses by sharing a few resources on ways to connect with bisexual community.To know you are not alone. To see yourself reflected in others. To hear others stories of how they have coped. These things can help you stay strong during difficult times. I hope these resources can do some of that for you.Online blogs, resources, and stories: https://bisexual.org/, https://www.binetusa.org/Find a Bisexual support group: https://www.binetusa.org/bi-groups-in-the-usBisexual Podcast- https://www.binetusa.org/the-bicast Find Bi-Affirming Professionals in your area - http://bizone.org/bap/In Solidarity,-Lindsey"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "It sounds like your family responded out of fear! They may need some time to digest the information. This can be hard for a family to hear for several reasons but you should be proud that you had the courage to tell them. Once they realize how brave you were and how much you need their support they will come around. Maybe you can write them a letter (for them to read without you present). In the letter, you can tell them your struggles and maybe why you decided to tell them. A letter will give them a little more time to digest the information."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "It's most important that you accept yourself and surround yourself with a group of friends who are kind to you and love you. Family hearing news of any kind for the first time if they are an anxious type of character, will always be tough to digest. Time is important to let it all settle in and also making sure you're taking good care of yourself... I think you're brave and I give you a lot of credit for not denying who you are -- you will inspire so many people to do the same in your life. Wishing you all the best. Gina"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "That has to be incredibly difficult because you were very vulnerable and open about what you were feeling and I imagine the response was very hurtful.Here are a couple of things to do right now:Practice giving yourself some love. Bring your awareness to the room around you and some of the positive energy within you. As you become a bit centered, you're likely to be able to work through your emotions more easily.Surround yourself with people who do accept you. I'm hoping that you have friends or acquaintances who accept you as you are.You can also find some support here through this organization that often have events related to offering support:https://www.pflag.org/needsupport. I have not spoken with this organization directly, but they are often discussed in therapeutic trainings as a reputable organization.Related more specifically to your family, that change may take some time. There is often a large adjustment in families because of the huge variations in reactions and what each person thinks, feels, and believes.Consider talking with a local therapist about how to communicate more effectively with your family, as there are a lot of variables there, so it is difficult to give you specific ideas in this format.Remember, there are lots of people who accept you as you are right now."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "I'm sorry your family had such an upsetting response to your news.Maybe eventually they will come around to greater acceptance of you. If this was the first time they heard this fact about your sexuality, the information may have overwhelmed them.It is up to the family members now to realize they handled their reaction in a way which may have upset you.Whether or not they do this, you still can be sure you did what was necessary and in your hands to tell them such key information about you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "There are a lot of ways one could go about handling this kind of conflict. It is hard to know which way might be advisable if we don't know quite why they would yell (or, why would they care who you choose to sleep and/or partner with to begin with?)However, it is of utmost important that you accept yourself as bisexual, and sometimes that is easier said than done. But, when you are able to get to that acceptance that you are not in the majority in society as far as sexual orientation goes, and all that comes with that, and perhaps other issues you might have with it, it will be significantly easier for you to tolerate your family's lack of acceptance, and perhaps chalk it up to a severe lack of open-mindedness.But because it is family, and we don't choose our families but are forced to deal with them for the most part for better or worse (admittedly I'm not the biggest fan of outright estrangement), processing the loss of \"the family that I hoped I had\" will also be important for you moving forward in your life. You likely will be able to realize you don't need them to accept your sexual orientation for you to live a healthy and happy life. Perhaps when they see that they can't change you, they will actually just learn to accept it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm an adult, facing problems with my mom. She's way too controlling. She decides things for me, disregarding whatever I say. I tried explaining my side to her calmly, but she eventually gets angry and doesn't wish to listen to me regardless of how I speak to her.", "answerText": "The part of your life which is in your control is the way you handle what your mom does and the way she talks to you.It is possible the two of you have very different opinions on a great number of matters.Each person, including you, has the right to decide whether and how to respond to someone.Stick up for your own right to make decisions.If she doesn't accept your independent viewpoints, then this doesn't give away your right to have these views.Since she makes herself clear as to her unwillingness to listen to you, then consider this as an easy way to avoid directly speaking with her about what's on your mind.If she ever shows an interest in your opinions and you feel like discussing these with her, then feel free to make this choice."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Many people do not accept the reality of gender beyond male and female.Obviously if your family doesn't accept your questioning status then this feels painful.All you really can do is continue your self-examination and know you're in a non-supportive family of doing so.To know the truth about your surroundings is much better than to not know, and also much better than pretending you are not in your current phase of gender expression questioning."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?", "answerText": "They would probably be helpful to speak with a local mental health professional about this, not because there's anything wrong with the real you, but because having these conversations can be difficult and you may choose to talk about your real self in different ways with different people.Maybe you could talk about your concerns with your significant other and discuss different ways you may be able to discuss your relationship that fit with how each of you defines your love for one another.Because you are saying openly that you are gay, and it sounds like you already identify yourself as gay, as compared to considering being transgender \"soon,\" it may be worth considering disclosing the fact that you are gay now and disclosing the idea that you are transgender after you have worked through that yourself. I would like for you to be able to be true to yourself and show the real you. It could also be that you already know that you are transgender, but with the way that you phrased it here, I'm not certain.Here is a link to a hotline that you may want to consider using. The Trevor Project is about helping teenagers who identify as LGBTQ:http://www.thetrevorproject.org/Here is another national site where you may be able to find a local chapter:https://www.pflag.org/I don't know what you mean when you said that your family will not accept you, but since you are concerned about your family's reaction, I would suggest that it may be helpful to have a therapist or some other support in place before telling your family. The decision of whether or not to wait longer to tell them is ultimately yours, but I wonder if you have a likelihood of explaining what you are experiencing in a way that would be truer to you and also perhaps easier for your family to follow if you had time to process it with supportive people first.Please remember that you are not alone in this. There are people in the world who can and will accept you for who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-sexual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. Theyve been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship?", "answerText": "If you and your brother are open w each other and respect each others opinions then there is little risk your relationship with him will end.If there already is strong animosity, mistrust, dislike between both of you then there is more chance he will not seriously consider your advice.For your own peace of mind, say whatever you feel must be said to him.The person youll need to live with is yourself so do what you believe is needed for you to feel good about saying whats necessary.Even if he never follows through with your advice then youll still know you tried your best to advise."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-sexual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. Theyve been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship?", "answerText": "This is tricky and quite delicate.I wonder if you could talk with your brother about whether he would be willing to have a discussion with you about something that is important to you. I would also suggest trying to make clear your true intentions. For example:Telling him that he has the right to do what he wants with who he chooses to dateThat you are talking to him about this because you care about himThat your relationship with him is important to you and that you love him and care about himAlso try to stick to examples or ideas that are objectively observable (for example, when this happens ___, I notice ___). That way you are using facts rather than opinions and things that can be observed rather than subjective emotional decisionsI would also be curious with what your brother sees in this girl, and I might even recommend starting with thatI cannot underline enough the importance of having this come across as genuine, and for lack of a better word, gentle.I also be very honest with you that I cannot guarantee that he will react positively, neutrally, or even that he will have the discussion with you.Because it is true that he could choose to continue dating this girl and perhaps even hold it against you for a while, I would also encourage you to look at the importance of this to you and where you consider the risk-benefit ratio to be."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I know the importance of my upcoming schooling. However, no matter how much I put in my best effort, my family thinks I have done zero effort in total. What can I do?", "answerText": "Your family's opinion is quite demoralizing.Unless you are lying to yourself or to them, then your best effort deserves appreciation and support from family.The family members may have reasons besides the actual outcome of your school work to be so blind to your investment of effort.Maybe they target onto you their unhappiness in some other area of their lives. It is often easier to create false narratives if a person wants to avoid looking at themselves.Possibly too, the family people may have a twisted logic to their words, as though ignoring your effort is a way to force you to do more.If you feel the family people will listen to the way their words affect you, then definitely tell them.If not, then you are learning an early lesson on how not everyone is necessarily supportive of others, and how disappointing this feels."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I know the importance of my upcoming schooling. However, no matter how much I put in my best effort, my family thinks I have done zero effort in total. What can I do?", "answerText": "First of all, I'm glad that you posted here and I'm glad that you recognize the importance of schooling.Where does your family get the idea that you are not putting in the effort? While people can interpret \"effort\" differently, with talking about schoolwork, I would think that your grades would show the effort that you are putting in.If you are getting good grades and you are saying that your family does not think your grades are good enough, maybe there could be a conversation where you are able to ask them what they are expecting from you (and try to listen without defending yourself for a few minutes) and then you could explain what you are doing to prepare. Maybe you could set time limits so you each have five minutes to discuss this (or less, if you think that would be better).If your grades are not as good as you would like and you are putting in the effort, I would still consider having a conversation like I mentioned above, and perhaps taking advantage of tutoring or other possibilities offered by your school.Just as a bit more information for you, I have been working with children, teenagers, and adults for more than nine years now. When someone tells me that they wish their child would do better in school, I always ask what that means. Sometimes it means that their grades are D's and F's. For other families, it means that the grades dropped below 95% and in that family, that is unacceptable. Perception makes a big difference here.If you are doing your best and accomplishing your goals, that is worth celebrating."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She constantly tells me what I am doing wrong. For once, I want her to be proud of me. Its like no matter what I do, she does not have one nice word to say to me. She is always hateful towards me and always has been.", "answerText": "I'm sad and heartbroken on your behalf.I'm very sorry your mom has such negative views on you.Please know that there must be some reason in her personal history or relationship life which drives her to criticize you so strongly.The natural dynamic is for a mother to love and nurture her child.Unless at some earlier point in your relationship with her, you caused some massive harm to her which would justify her indirect dislike for you, then the best way for you is to find supportive and loving other people who will to some degree make up for the harshness you hear from her.Also, read online about others who have similar situations because there may be good guidance on keeping yourself emotionally safe from how she treats you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself?", "answerText": "This sounds like a really tough situation. As a teenager, you may be able to get counseling on your own (without needing your parents' consent) under some circumstances. If your parents are refusing toconsider counseling, you might want to try talking to your doctor or another trusted adultabout finding some counseling resources - even without your parents' help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm \"lazy little fat.\"", "answerText": "There is nothing wrong with going to summer school."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm \"lazy little fat.\"", "answerText": "Your mom is telling you cruel words.The fact that she is your mother and is not supportive and willing to point out your strengths, is a good reason to not believe what she tells you.Parents are meant to nurture their children, not take them down with words.Kids go to summer schmo for all sorts of reasons. If you were unable to concentrate during the school year on academic subjects, for whatever reason, summer school is a way to catch up so you will stay with your classmates in the school year which starts in September.I understand not liking the idea of school in the summer. Only this is different than being putdown the way your mother does to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do?", "answerText": "A relationship gets weaker, not stronger by threatening control of the other person.Start by telling your boyfriend to keep his remarks about you and the interests he is in which you two disagree, limited to these areas.Your relationship with your mother is between you and her.Regardless of how much he doesn't like her, to not respect your mother daughter relationship is unreasonable and disrespectful toward you.Threatening to take action against you by withdrawing himself from your relationship, is almost guaranteed to harm the good feelings between the two of you.Does you boyfriend dislike your mother for any reason having to do with her being a danger to you?Ask his reason since if he does this from concern for your emotional or physical safety, then this is good sentiment which is handled incorrectly, by a threat to you.What you should do is ask your boyfriend to not threaten you and to calmly talk about the topics you bring up here."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do?", "answerText": "It's ultimately your decision whether or not you go to see your mother. I'm not sure whether talking with her on the phone or through some videoconferencing application (such as Skype) would be something you could do in the meantime until you sort out what you want to do.Some things I wonder are:What makes the two of them not get along?What makes him feel threatened or on edge if you visit your mother without him? What does he think will happen?What is he getting out of trying to choose for you?What is he so afraid of?If you decide to talk about these things with your boyfriend, try to do the following:Consider using questions that start with the words who, what, where, when, and not why. The word why can be really difficult for some people to answer because the word itself triggers an emotional reaction.Try to ask him if the two of you can discuss this in a way that you can just ask more questions about what he is experiencing. If you can listen without being defensive about what you think and feel, you may understand more about where you boyfriend is coming from.Remember that understanding what he means does not mean that you have to agree with what he is saying.Maybe he would be willing to listen to what you are experiencing and ask questions about that as you did for him. It would be good to do this in a way similar to what an investigative reporter would do and asking questions that cannot be answered in a yes or no format and require more information.I'm sure this is putting you in a very tough place. If you would like to talk to someone more directly about the details, consider seeing a local mental health professional."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I dont love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but Id rather be with my friends than be with her at all. Its not just a \"teenager phase.\" I still love my mom and dad, and Im very close to them. However, its my sister I dont love or have ever really liked at all.", "answerText": "Not liking someone is not cruel - even if it is a family member. There is nothing wrong with you for not liking your sister. Some people are fortunate to have siblings that they get along with really well, other don't. We all have different personalities and we are not going to like everyone - even if they are related. In fact, sometimes being related makes it harder because you know all of each other's flaws and imperfections. With that being said - it may be worth it to make an effort to talk about the things that get in the way of having the kind of relationship that you might ideally want with your sister. Sometimes it is hard to like someone if we have a lot of old frustration and resentment and being able to talk about it in a constructive and kind way can lead to more understanding and respect, and sometimes actually liking each other."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I dont love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but Id rather be with my friends than be with her at all. Its not just a \"teenager phase.\" I still love my mom and dad, and Im very close to them. However, its my sister I dont love or have ever really liked at all.", "answerText": "Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship.How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I dont love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but Id rather be with my friends than be with her at all. Its not just a \"teenager phase.\" I still love my mom and dad, and Im very close to them. However, its my sister I dont love or have ever really liked at all.", "answerText": "No one can force emotions. Its fine to not love your sister.You may make some discoveries about yourself and your relationship with your sister by studying the reasons for why you're not close.Usually this has something to do with how the parents positioned the kids. Some parents obviously favor one child over another, and this would heavily influence how the kids view each other once they are grown people.The patterns of interaction set down during our growing up years stay with us until we change them consciously.Its possible your sense of not loving your sister started in your early years.You now have a chance to know your sister through your grown up eyes, or not.Either way, you still may decide you don't love her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My wife and mother are having tense disagreements. In the past, theyve had minor differences. For example, my wife would complain to me my mother is too overbearing; my mother would complain my wife is lazy. However, its intensified lately. I think the cause is my wife talked back to her once. Now, any little disagreement is magnified, leading to major disagreements. What can I do?", "answerText": "One choice is for you and your wife to decide together what are reasonable ways and expectations to have of your mother.From what you write it sounds like your wife and you have differences as to what is the proper and right way to talk with your mother.Once the both of you agree on overall philosophy and some specific details for examples, then ask your mother to make time for all three of you to discuss together the expectations and standards you and your wife would like to see happen.This is only the first step since it is possible and likely that at least on a few points, your mother will disagree and have different views.These need to be discussed and integrated into an overall plan which all three of you are happy to live with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past week or so me and my boyfriend have been fighting. He has been making a lot of bad choices and he is currently hospitalized. I'm barely eating or sleeping because I'm constantly worried about him. Everyone else in my life says that I should just forget about him and walk away. What should I do?", "answerText": "Forgetting one's emotions is impossible.Since you are in a relationship with this guy, your emotions keep your feelings active toward him.Does he respect your upset with his lifestyle choices?Are the two of you having conversations about your opinions on him?You're as entitled to dislike what he does as he is to like what he does.Since you're together in a relationship, respect for the other's values and how best to live life, matters.He may be as unhappy about your dislike for his lifestyle as you are with his.Try to know whether he's willing to change to accommodate you.Study whether you're willing to change to accept his ways.See whether the two sides are close enough to be different from one another and still be happy together.Then, if the answer is \"no\", you can consider to separate from him and your emotions gradually will recuperate from leaving the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ever since my mother passed away my family has treated me like a stranger. Now I'm concerned that my father will need to go into a nursing home. If that happens I think I'm going to be on my own to handle it. What should I do? I'm going to need my family's help and support.", "answerText": "Understandably you'd like support from those who know and love you.From what you write, your family members do not offer you your very reasonable expectation.Start by telling particular family members with whom you feel you'd have the most likely chance of success in their meeting your expectation by loving you.This way you are able to tell yourself you've tried what is reasonable to try.Don't give up on expecting loving support for yourself!If your family members are unwilling to give you this, then start to give yourself loving attention and care.Gradually you will bring yourself in contact with new others who will love you.Loving yourself makes you attractive. so others will find your willingness to be loved."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We just cannot seem to get along. I cannot have a conversation with her without it turning into World War 3. She treats me like I have no right to an opinion and never really lets me speak. My real mother cares and tries to help me, but she can't do much, because my adoptive mother won't listen to her either.", "answerText": "Going to see a experience counselor would be my advice. You will have a neutral person that can listen to both sides and help you all find a common ground of understanding. If she doesn't agree to counseling, really the only person you can change is you. I would suggest that you approach her with love and let her know what you appreciate about her, let her know the great things she have done that could not be replaced or forgotten however you want your relationship to get better than it has been lately. Hopefully this will open the door of communication where you can explain your thoughts and feeling but in a loving way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We rent from from my boyfriend's parents. His father drops by unannounced and stays for long periods of time. He lets himself into our home when we aren't there on a daily basis and takes our dogs to his house. He picks up our mail. He has NO boundaries. He's an opinionated, rude pushy person. He expects to spend every weekend around us, gives unsolicited advice on child rearing and does not respect our privacy at all. He barges in with no warning. He has a key and lets himself into our house without asking permission. I need help. How do I address this?", "answerText": "You're expecting reasonable behaviors from your boyfriend's father.Since the father is his, your boyfriend is the person in position to speak directly with his dad about the expectations you and he have of the father.If your boyfriend has a good relationship w his dad, which is not what this sounds like, then great!If your boyfriend has a stressed and tense relationship w his dad, then somehow he needs to develop or be coached and encouraged by the people in his life who truly care about and know him, a way to state the very reasonable standards you describe here.If all else fails, then a new living space is always another possibility!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been dating my ex-boyfriends cousin for a few years. We have gotten pretty serious. He wants to cut it off because people are giving him a hard time that our kids will be related to my ex.", "answerText": "Does your boyfriend agree with the other people's opinions or is the problem that he feels that doing what they want will be an easy way to stop hearing them say what he doesn't like hearing?Talk through whether he actually believes what the others are telling him or figures that complying will make them stop bothering him.Once the two of you understand what, if any, the differences are in the opinions you each have on the double relationship status, you'll be more clear whether the differences can be aligned somehow."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad doesn't like the fact that I'm a boy. He yells at me daily because of it and he tells me I'm extreme and over dramatic. I get so depressed because of my dad's yelling. He keeps asking me why I can't just be happy the way I am and yells at me on a daily basis. Is this considered emotional abuse?", "answerText": "Maybe this is emotional abuse.It certainly is irritating and annoying to be yelled at for being yourself.Maybe at a time when he's not yelling you can bring up the topic of your own willingness, if this is true, to discuss questions he has about your gender.There's no guarantee he won't start yelling midway through a dialogue like this. Only then you will be on firm ground to excuse yourself from the conversation since you already explained that you're willing to talk with him and not to be yelled at by him."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Emotional pain is different from physical pain that way, isn't it? Even many years later, an old wound can be ripped open again by a small trigger.You were betrayed by two people close to you. That's a complex injury. I don't know whether you're still in the marriage or not, or whether your sister is still in your life. Perhaps not, as your contact with her seems to be through watching her facebook activity.I'm curious about why you're just now seeing her facebook posts again. Are you feeling more open lately to seeing how she's doing in her life? I guess if you were open to having your sister even in the periphery of your life again, you will have to figure out how to handle those triggers. If you can't, maybe consider unfollowing her or detaching from facebook for a while.So your sister is happy, or she at least appears happy. Your mind might go to some unhelpful places, like \"She doesn't regret the affair\" (you don't know that), \"She doesn't deserve happiness\" (that would be a harsh judgement), or \"She doesn't care that I'm hurt\" (again, there's no evidence of that). Where does your mind go? It's important to identify your worst thoughts in connection to her.When you have those worst thoughts identified, ask yourself \"What evidence supports that thought as truth?\" It's likely that either there's no evidence, or that the truth is so far from you that you can't know what she's feeling or thinking, which makes having those thoughts pretty futile.A therapist can help you determine what emotions are being triggered here. It doesn't help you and your happiness to carry around resentment, ill wishes, or the need for revenge. Forgiveness is not about saying that something was \"okay\". It's about saying \"It happened. I accept that I can't change it, and I don't want to carry the emotional burden around all the time\". Forgiveness is putting it down. She... (trust me this is true)...she carries her own burden of shame for what she did. For you to spend time feeling angry doesn't affect her burden. It only adds to yours.Can you find the tender emotion under your anger? You're hurt. Validate that hurt. Honour that hurt. Take care of that hurt. You can stay away from people who disregard your needs, and you have the power to forgive those who make mistakes out of their simple humanity if you want them in your life.If you continue to struggle, please seek the help of a professional who can assist you in navigating these waters. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "First thing that you must realize is that most people only post the \"best parts\" of their lives on Facebook, some people even go so far as to make their lives seem better or more interesting and post mostly false views of their life. Facebook is watered down, candied version of our life, you put on there only what you want people to see. The questions you should ask is \"How have I grown from this?\", Is my marriage currently in a good place? I really wish there was some form of magic that could be performed to solve peoples issues and help them sort out their emotions and troubles, however there is not, the closest we can get is by using {time and insight} to heal our wounds."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "What is going on in your life that brings up more sensitivity to the affair?The best way of handling your hurt is by noticing your own feelings and the current circumstances that increase your sense of pain.Concentrate on your own life and making your life the best it can be."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "A mediated safe talk session between. You and your sister.Then, you and your husband have a mediated safe talk. So both hear what you feel in the respective relationships.Possibly the last step is a mediated safe talk with sister, husband and youcoversation, in the future."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Affairs and infidelity are tough areas to address. The power of the affair comes from the feeling of injustice that seems to have happened to you. The struggle I notice people have is with the forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that is asked of you from your partner but also you have the power to give. I assume you want to forgive or have forgiven. However, the forgetting part is difficult.It seems that image of her happiness may have triggered something in you that isn't happy. I'm not sure how often you are triggered by her but it seems there is something there you need to process. The forgetting part sadly is difficult to put past your mind. However, it's being able to see the unfortunate situation they did and be able to walkthrough it even though it's painful. I think maybe speaking with a local therapist about this as it's often difficult to process alone. Also, see how you are feeling as days go on. Do you find yourself obsessed? If so, you may need to seek a professional counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. Once the \"relationship\" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife.On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time.Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example.Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person. Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior.There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures.There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again. The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship. There is no designated time line. You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now.Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. Once the \"relationship\" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear about that situation. If the woman was your therapist (or had been at one time), this could represent a significant ethical violation when she created a dual relationship with you.Even if you were not her client, this might still be an ethical violation. Counselors are held to a high standard of conduct and honesty at all times.In a situation like this you might consider filing a complaint with the state regulatory board."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad.", "answerText": "I admire your courage.If you are concerned about telling your dad regarding your gender identity, I would suggest a couple of things. There are a lot of groups or other supports for people who are working through some of the same changes that you may be going through now. I don't mean to convey that everyone thinks, feels, or acts the same by any means, but rather that it may be helpful to talk to others who have had some similar experiences.I was trying to include some links for you, but that particular button isn't functioning window. If you search for \"transgender support\" on Google, you'll find GLAAD and PFLAG, both of which are national organizations. This does not mean that you have to identify as \"transgender,\" but researching that term may help you to find both national and local resources.As far as telling your dad, if that is particularly concerning for you, I suggest either talking through the details with a local therapist or considering if you have a trusted friend or family member (one who will respect your privacy with regard to who you would like to know about what you are experiencing at this time) so that you can talk with some people to have support. This may help with two things: allowing you to find some support for yourself as you work through the changes that you are going through now and also possibly talking with someone who knows your dad and may be able to talk with you regarding how or when to tell him.One thing that I tell anyone who wants to discuss something that is very important to them is to ask the person they want to talk to whether this is a good time for an important conversation. That way, you have greater chances of having the person's attention and/or not needing to end the conversation quickly.Also, please remember that you know yourself best, as each of us does."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. This is certainly a tough spot. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some colleagues will add some things. You may want to spend a few minutes calling to mind any conversations that you have had with your father about transgender issues, or if you have ever heard him talk about it. That may give you a small clue about how well he may accept this news from you. For example, if he has been watching the news lately, transgender rights is something that is being talked about a lot. Has he had an opinion? This won't tell you for sure if he would be okay with learning you are transgender, but at least you would know if there is hostility toward transgender people. To tell you the truth, the best way to tell your dad is whatever way feels right to you. There is no right or wrong way, best or worst. If you want to tell him when you are by yourself with him? That's perfect. Want to have a friend with you for support? Equally perfect. Whatever thing you need to do. And, of course, there is always the option of not telling him anything until you are comfortable doing so. Unfortunately, the response from your dad can't be predicted. Some parents are totally cool.... others not so much. This is one reason why having someone with your for support is sometimes a good idea. If things get heated, you have someone in your corner. There are therapists who specialize in affirmative therapy, and they may be very helpful to you in working out how you want to tell him. You can also Google some stories about how others came out.I refer many people to the www.letsqueerthingsup.com blog. It is a popular blog written by a trans man that I know. He writes on many topics related to trans issues. Hope some of these suggestions help. Be well... be you.. and good luck!Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have three siblings. My mom loves them and not me. Shes always yelling at me, but when it comes to my siblings, she talks to them. Im always crying in my room.", "answerText": "Have you ever tried talking with her about this when she's not angry? While I hear you saying that it feels like she doesn't love you, there could be a lot of other pieces to this. Have you ever told her about how much she means to you (when she's not angry)?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My stepdad and I always mess around. I've noticed that whenever he playfully hits me, it's always my butt that he hits. He always comments on my outfits and always scans me head to toe when I walk into a room. I'm a teenager female, and I want to know if this is normal.", "answerText": "It's hard to tell from the way you described it. Do you think he would be open to an honest discussion? It could be that his comments about your outfit are designed to make you feel good or to help them show how much he cares about you as his stepdaughter. As far as scanning you from head to toe, I can think of reasons that parents might do that. I also think that talking about it is probably very important so you really know what his intentions are. That way, it removes the guesswork and you have the opportunity to know what he is thinking and feeling and he can also know what your reactions are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, Im the one who steps in. Im the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people Im fighting for. Im only in my early 20s.", "answerText": "You could be protective because of things that happened in your past or in the past of the people that you are protecting. A lot of us have natural instincts that we do not want other people to be in pain. For other people, conflict is just hard to watch and/or listen to.As for having a tough time trusting them, that could also relate to past events between you and these other people or it could relate to the conflict that you mentioned. It can be difficult to trust someone deeply when you don't know when the next big fight or argument is going to start.The next time you step in for someone, consider asking yourself what is making you do that? What are you feeling in the moment?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, Im the one who steps in. Im the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people Im fighting for. Im only in my early 20s.", "answerText": "Breaking the patterns of relating to family members, is difficult work.In the situation you describe, both you and the family members who ask for your intervention, will be affected by any change you decide to make in the way all of you handle family disagreements.Always, it is best for any two people who have a disagreement, to talk directly with each other. A third person distracts from the content and reasons for disagreeing.Maybe knowing that by pulling yourself away from mediating family arguments, you will in the long term be doing good for your family, helps you do the actual work of separating yourself from their arguments.Definitely, the fact that you're writing about the problem, shows you feel like doing something which feels better than how you feel currently.It is very healthy for you to listen to your gut intuition telling you to pull out of the mediator role you are in currently.You may feel guilty, your family members will most likely do everything possible to persuade, convince, and push you back into their arguments.This doesn't make them right in what they're doing, it only makes your job harder of trying to let them have their fights on their own."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She has chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy, and Im her caregiver. All she does is complain, hit me, call me names, and say things happened that didnt. When I tell her, she explodes. I didnt always hate her, but now every little thing she does irritates me, and I dont have the means to live on my own.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are hating some of the things that your mom does rather than hating her.Something you may be able to do is call the area agency on aging for the county where you live and ask for information about having other people help to care for your mom. I don't know how old your mom is, but if she is younger, they would probably have resources to other ways that you could have help. If you are both open to the possibility of someone else helping out, this may help with some of the difficulties between you if you are not spending quite as much time together. Do you think your mom is able to actually recognize how what she does and says affects you?From whom do you have support during all of this?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places?", "answerText": "I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My dad is doing some really bad drugs, and I'm not allowed to see him anymore because of what he can do to me or my siblings on this drug. It has affected me tremendously in my life. Its even caused me anger and stress.", "answerText": "It seems like you are going trough stages of grief, since the inability to see your father causes you similar feelings as if you had lost him. Perhaps you could send him letters expressing your feelings and hopes. But do understand that if he is under the influence of drugs he might not be able to empathize with your feelings or react in the way that he would have done so in the past. As the issue evolves find a therapist or counselor to help you work on letting go of that anger and stress, which may affect you negatively. Find forgiveness so you can have a relationship with him in the future.Qu puedo hacer con mi padre usuario de drogas?Mi papa est usando drogas muy malas, y no estoy autorizada a verlo por lo que me puede hacer a m y a mis hermanos. Esto afecta mi vida tremendamente. Me causa coraje estrs.Parece que estas pasando por estados de luto, ya que el no poder ver a tu padre causa sentimientos similares a cuando hay una perdida. Tal vez puedes escribirle cartas expresando tus sentimientos y esperanzas. Pero comprende que si el est bajo la influencia de drogas puede que no sienta empata o te responda como lo sola hacer. Mientras el problema se resuelve busca un consejero o terapeuta que te ayude a trabajar en resolver los sentimientos de coraje y estrs, trabaja tambin en perdonarlo para que puedas tener una relacin con l en el futuro."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my mid-twenties now, and my boyfriend of seven years and I want to start a life. My mother is 100% codependent on me and is extremely manipulative. She suffers from type 1 diabetes, which she uses to guilt me if I ever leave her. The problem is that I will feel guilty.", "answerText": "Focus more on your own life and less on the very heavy descriptors you wrote to describe your mom.All the words you wrote represent psychological conditions which are either lifelong or take a lot of motivation and effort to change.Since the only person who can change how your mom handles her life, is your mom, and you are the only one who can do the same for yourself, devote more energy and time to living your own life fully, despite the emotions you feel regarding her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.", "answerText": "How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and undercover messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks. Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills. Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces. It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction. Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor. The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possibleuntil you to master them. You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.Cmo puedo lograr que mi mam me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicacin con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos. A veces, nos parece aun ms difcil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicacin. Especialmente nuestras madres, pueden hacer parecer que estn convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.Y qu hacemos? Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a travs de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicacin asertiva. Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos. Tambin te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interaccin. Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero. El secreto est en practicar las tcnicas de comunicacin cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontneamente. Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas tcnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difcil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.", "answerText": "Could you tell her ? What would happen if you said \"Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you.\""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.", "answerText": "You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her \"stuff\".Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of \"dealing with it\". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say \"I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff\", or \"I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed\", or even \"I don't like the way you talk to me\". Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.", "answerText": "Anger is a normal emotion, and yet it is a really hard one... how much is too much? and how do you express it without damaging those around you? yes mom's get angry, sometimes too easy... but its their responsibility to manage their anger-- get their own support and put themselves in time outs when they cannot handle it well. Since you are the kids, you shouldn't have to fix or calm down mom's anger. Maybe in a calmer time when you guys are being silly talk with her one on one? Tell her you are feeling sad and hurt that she gets upset at you girls. Ask her if there is 1 thing you can work on this next month to help her. Ask her if she would work on 1 thing for you this month-- not yelling? taking a time out? telling you before she blows her top so you can exit the room? Also for you, check out a library book on anger so you know how to handle yours, and one on parents and anger. Number one to remember, if you don't feel safe, if she is calling you names, or hurting you, breaking things etc. make sure you go to a trusted adult--school counselor, neighbor, aunt, church friend as soon as possible. You are much too important to be hurt and if mom is out of control, someone elseneeds to be --caring for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like they'll do anything or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them.", "answerText": "Coming out to family members can cause a lot of anxiety. However, although I cannot promise what their reaction will be, the benefit is that you will no longer have to hide who you are. Perhaps researching or getting information on bisexuality can help your family understand what it truly is to be bisexual. Many times, people are just not educated on certain things."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like they'll do anything or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them.", "answerText": "Perhaps you are not ready to come out to your parents. Often timesour readiness is not dependent on what others' will say or how theyreact.But more so dependent onhow emotionally prepared we are to deal with others' reactions. Itmay bebeneficial for youto play out each possiblescenario andconclusion (eg. your parents being supportive vs. your parents being disappointed and so on). How are you prepared to deal with the outcome? Youmay also seek help through counselors, support groups and/or individuals you know that havedealt with similar situations to help you prepare to discussthis with your parents.All the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in love with my own gender, and my parents are against that. I don't know how to tell them because I'm afraid they'll not want me anymore.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. This is one of those times when you wish you could assure someone that everything will go perfectly, but unfortunatelyI can't do that. There is no way of knowing how parents might respond until you tell them. The truth is that people have come out to their parents in many different ways. Some have told their parents directly, some drop hints, some have had others tell their parents, etc. The only \"right\" way to come out is the one that you choose. The one that feels right to you. That is the best way. Some people decide not to come out, and some wait for a very long time. Both ofthese things are okay. Coming out is deeply personal, and there can be real consequences to someone's emotional health and safety if they tell the wrong person. That is why it should only be done when you are ready. When you feel that you have the emotional and personal support thatyou need to take the risk. Sometimes people can feel pressured to come out, but I encourage you to do it in your own time. The truth is, there is a spectrum of how people's parents react to this kind of news. On one end, you may have the parents who shut a person out and are abusive, and on the opposite side you may have parents that are totally okay with it and throw you a \"Coming Out\" party. Most parents are going to fall somewhere in the middle. It is important to remember that theirfeelings may change over time. Many parents struggle at first, but they love their kids and get better with it over time. If you decide to tell them, consider taking someone along to support you. Plan ahead on what you want to say. It can be an emotional time, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you need to, leave. You don't have to stay anywhere where someone is being cruel to you. I wish you well, and good luck.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I work two jobs and go to school for criminal justice. Over the summer, my father had a stroke. It was very devastating. My father isn't the same, and my family fights every day. I have been kicked out the house many times. I break down a lot.", "answerText": "You undoubtedly are carrying a huge weight on your shoulders. Stressors come in many forms and you are engulfed in a few of the major ones as it relates to dealing with the declining health of your father, family conflict, as well as trying to balance a work and school schedule. Stress, if left unchecked has many negative health related implications. First and foremost I would recommend going to see a counselor at your college/university. Most colleges have counseling centers for students that usually allow for 5-6 free counseling sessions (your tuition actually pay for these sessions so take advantage of them). Secondly I would advise you to take a minute and breathe. When confronted with overwhelming life issues it is common to busy ourselves in an attempt to distract ourselves from the drama, but sometimes that can compound our stress. When dealing with stress it is important that you engage in self care. In other words find time to engage in activities that bring you a sense of peace, enjoyment, and fulfillment in order that you may get a momentary release from your daily hectic life. Even with a normal life there is no way to escape stress, it is inevitable and a part of life, but how you deal with stress, as well as how you take care of yourself in the midst of these whirlwind events will determine your quality of life. I hope this helps..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I saw my mother cheating on my dad before. I said something to her, and she said it was in the past. Yesterday, I saw her texting dirty things to the same guy. Should I talk to her again? I don't want my parents to go their separate ways, I just want her to stop. it's not fair.", "answerText": "You as the child in the middle of your parents' problems is the worse position to be in. I can only imagine your hurt, pain and confusion on what to do. Honestly, this is a hard question to answer without knowing your age, your parents' ability to handle hearing information from you and your maturity to handle what may happen in the end. One thing I would like to note....your parents may be in the same house but if your mother is cheating, they have already gone their separate ways."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I avoid talking to him because he always makes me more upset. I can't be honest with him about anything because he is always rude to me.", "answerText": "Hi Troy, I totally get this. It's a dilemma; you want your dad to know how he's hurting you but you don't feel safe enough to say anything to him. Your reaction is understandable; it's his responsibility as a parent to work harder than you to create that safe place for you to be open. But that's not who your dad is. Your dad is your dad, and waiting for him to change won't really help. Nothing you do can change your dad, but...there are things you can do for yourself and your relationship with him.While your response of avoiding him is understandable, I wonder what effect it has on your dad. It's possible that he's feeling frustrated, rejected and punished by your withdrawal. You may think he knows that you're feeling hurt, but he probably doesn't. So this is the squirrel chasing its tail: your dad is rude, so your habit is to be silent, then he maybe feels abandoned and frustrated. His frustration comes out as more rudeness, which makes you want to withdraw more, and the cycle starts all over again. You can't change his part of the cycle but you can change yours.Are you willing to take a risk? Can you be honest about how you're feeling? What's the worst thing that could happen if you said to your dad \"You know why I avoid you? I stay silent because when I talk to you say rude things. So if you want me to talk, I need to know you can listen.\" I imagine it would come out differently because you're a few generations younger than me, but put that into your own words.I don't know the level of your dad's 'rudeness'. If he is abusive, then a better plan is to see a therapist alone or talk to someone about this. I don't want to put you at any risk. But if you don't worry your dad will hurt you, maybe give honesty a try.My point is that, as rude as your dad may be, checking out of a relationship by being silent is also rude. It's powerful...your silence. Your dad can't read your mind, and if you want things to be better you will need to get in that ring with him.And, if you're both open to it, seeing a therapist together can be really helpful. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.", "answerText": "Congrats on your upcoming grandchild!Does your daughter want you to break news of her pregnancy, to the family?Talk with your daughter first, whether or not she would like you to tell other family members.Also, given the other facts you mention in your post, if household and financial management are areas you feel your daughter is vulnerable, then bring up these topics too.Stay open minded about your daughter having views which are different from yours."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.", "answerText": "Hi New York, There is no need for shame here; no one's done anything wrong! A pregnancy is a glorious gift to be celebrated.I wonder what gets in the way of you celebrating your daughter's pregnancy?Are they excited about it? I bet they are. They've been together for seven years. Even if it caught them off guard, the best thing for them and this new baby is to celebrate the joy of this new little person and their growing family. If you are happy for them and help spread their joy, how marvelous would that be for them as a family?New York, I will be honest with you; I hope that's okay. I sense that maybe you are feeling judgemental towards them. Do you dislike or judge his struggle with mental illness? Do you see him as less than worthy because he hasn't worked? I don't know for sure, but I imagine maybe his anxiety and depression get in the way of working. Maybe he's on a social disability? Mental illness doesn't make someone less lovable or valuable as a partner. He's getting help for himself and that's wonderful.If your daughter loves him and is happy with him... If he is her chosen man, then they absolutely need your support, not your judgement. And if they struggle as a couple, you know what...they will need it even more!Is this your first grandchild? If not, then I don't have to say this, but if it is...you are in for the most amazing adventure of your lifetime. You will fall in love so deeply with this child. S/he needs that...this baby needs your love and support.So, you say to your family... \"I have amazing news! My daughter is expecting a baby! I'm going to be a grandparent!! I can't wait\"."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep being mean to my best friend, and I don't know why all the time. I did come to maybe some kind of conclusion that it is because my mother is mean to me all the time. Could that be a cause?", "answerText": "Hi Morristown,There's a saying that goes \"hurt people hurt people\". It's possible that your aggression towards your friends is connected to your mother's behaviours. When we are treated poorly, especially as children, it affects how we ourselves, others, and the world. It's also powerful modelling of aggressive behaviour.The good news is that you have this lovely awareness and I think a desire to learn about yourself and grow in your ability to be respectful to people you care about. I recommend you consider sitting down with a therapist and exploring these ideas and moving forward on that path you seem to want to be on. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face.", "answerText": "How someone feels when they forgive another, is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong, who was responsible for what in the situation, and clarity on their own motivation, actions, emotions including pain, regret, resentment, sadness.These steps ideally allow a new door to open in order to develop new paths in the existing relationship or accept that this will not be possible due to either person's way of handling themselves.The long answer would be that you're not yet through with this process.I commend you on being truthful with yourself about yourself.You're on the right track by expecting to feel resolved when you've reached resolution, and not before.Finding patience with the unpredictable amount of time needed to thoroughly examine all the details of the incidents you mention, sometimes is a frustration of its own.Keep up your good work of knowing your own life.It is a worthwhile endeavor!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face.", "answerText": "Hi Cleveland, I think I get what you're feeling. You're scared that if you forgive your mom, that would mean it wasn't so bad, or she'll think it's okay to do it again, or she won't realize how hurt you are.I invite you to look at forgiveness in a different way. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean what she did was okay. Not at all. Forgiveness can mean \"I accept what she did, and I don't want to live in her worst moments constantly. I want to put it down and move past it because I want her in my life, because fear and resentment interfere with my relationship with her, and mostly because I'm tired of carrying them (fear and resentment) around constantly.\"You can forgive your mom for yourself, not for her.If there is evidence that your mom wants to respect you moving forward, then it might be worth it to risk putting down the resentment and the grudge that you think you need to protect yourself.Your ability to draw boundaries with her in the present is your biggest protector; let her know in the present what hurts you, and notice her responses.You don't have to say it to her face. Saying it to yourself is more important. Again, forgiving your mom helps you...it reduces your own burden of fear and resentment, leaving space for better things."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My mom and I have been fighting a lot now, and I just want a good relationship with her.", "answerText": "The best way to work on a relationship is for both people to engage with the problem and start communicating with each other more effectively. One of the hardest things about this, however, is getting both people within the relationship to recognize that they are both responsible for the successes and failures within the relationship and remove all the all-or-nothing blame.The best style of communication is open and asking for clarification; why not try asking your mother why this particular fight/situation is eliciting such an angry response. Often, the simple act of expressing that we don't understand the other person's point of view can open the doors to better levels of communication. The hardest part is trying to remain humble as we seek out that clarification and avoid the blaming language we are so used to using in such times."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad.", "answerText": "Hi Zionsville. It's so sweet that you have a special relationship with your brother. You will ALWAYS have that, you know? He's doing what's natural at his age...spreading his wings and looking for love. You may be heading into that zone soon too, but I get that it's weird that he's there before you, and you miss him.Try to respect your brother's autonomy, wish him well, be friendly with his girlfriend, and it's also okay to say \"Hey, bro, I'm still here. When can we hang out!?\""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad.", "answerText": "It is always hard when we feel as if we are losing somebody close to us. Feeling sad over these losses are normal. While there may be some things you can do to remedy this situation, it is important that you try and understand that part of life is change. The fact that your brother doesn't spend as much time with you doesn't mean that he loves you less or doesn't care about you. It most likely means that he is having to split his time between different people and priorities. I suggest that you communicate with him how you feel. Perhaps, ask him if he would be able to set up times that the two of you can hang out, without anyone else present. Addionally, it wouldn't hurt for you to also find some other ways to spend your time away from him. Now might be the perfect opportunity to pick up a new hobby or hang out with different peers. Keeping yourself distracted in healthy ways and processing your feelings of sadness will likely help with lifting your mood. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been hurt by a man for five years. He doesn't involve me with the family or kids. Everyone in the family is against me. There is a Mass today for a family member, and he never asked me to go. I'm to sit home alone now and Christmas too. He expects me to sit alone while he enjoys being with the family. We are in our 50s, and it hurts that he won't even think of me or involve me as part of the family. He doesn't even care. I am leaving him as soon as possible, but I hurt so bad that I didn't know who to turn too. I'm now in this low funk of depression, and I'm scared because I do stupid things to myself and give up. I have no friends because I was a truck driver. I've been getting serious headaches and can't sleep. I don't eat; I've lost my appetite. This has been going on for a couple weeks now.", "answerText": "Hi Florida,I get the sense that, aside from this relationship, you're quite isolated in general. It's sad that you're feeling excluded at Christmastime and family events. While I would suggest that you don't really know what he or his family are thinking or feeling (you assume they're against you, and that he doesn't care), he is certainly behaving in a very distant, excluding manner and it's understandable that you would feel rejected and hurt.How long has this part been happening? Has he always acted this way, or is it more recent? Did something happen recently? You mentioned doing \"stupid things to yourself\", and I don't know what that means. If you are engaging in self-harm he may be confused about what to do and he might need some time to think and be separate but is having trouble talking about this. Part of the problem, of course, is that you don't know what's going on for him. Certainly, you deserve the truth, and if he doesn't want to spend time with you, I would hope he would be honest. Have you been open to hearing the truth from him? Is there any reason for him to hesitate to tell you why he's being distant? Maybe you could ask him, if you are ready to hear.I'm glad to hear that you believe that you deserve a full, loving relationship, although it seems that moving forward might be difficult for you. Is it possible your happiness is a bit too dependant on this man? I'm just guessing, based on what you've said here.It seems that it's possible your situation has led to some depression, and I would recommend a session with a qualified therapist to help you sort this out. You will need support, even if the relationship is repaired. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do?", "answerText": "Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they dont see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousins issue and shes taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love.Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. Were both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her.", "answerText": "I understand that this can be difficult when you care about someone. Have you had a discussion with your mom as to why she does not want you and this boy to see each other, and what her concerns are? It sounds as though you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating, and compromising. It is understandable that you do not to feel comfortable having to lie to your mom. It would be helpful if she could understand that you having to lie to he is getting in the way of you being able to go to her with any issue and feel she will hopefully understand or try to understand where you are coming from. Have either one of you been in family therapy? This may be something you may want to suggest to your mom to help you both understand where each one is coming from. If your mood is sad, and your feeling worse, it is important that you reach out to an adult, parent, person at school whom you trust to share your feelings and help you feel understood and work through your problems."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. Were both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her.", "answerText": "Hi Los Angeles, I can tell you have a moral backbone because it's hurting you to lie to your mom. I always say that a little bit of guilt is healthy because it teaches us who we want to be. Listen to that voice. You don't have to lie to your mom to get what you want.Now, you don't say how old you are, so part of my answer is going to be a bit vague. There's a big difference between being thirteen and your mom telling you what to do and being nineteen and your mom telling you what to do. The thing is that moms and dads start out making all your decisions for you when you're small, and they're supposed to, very gradually, give that control over to you. Different parents do this at different speeds, but in general you have to earn that freedom and trust...it's not just gonna be handed over to you.You might not like this part...your parent has the right to make the rules. My guess is there's a reason why mom is holding you back. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, breaking her rules isn't going to get you what you want...which is freedom, right? I guarantee you that mom wants you to eventually earn freedom...but she's not supposed to give it to you until you're ready because her first job is to keep you safe.I like that your mom has limits for you. Too many parents are sort of looking the other way, busy with their own thing. Whether you know it or not, you need protection like all kids do (appropriate for your age, of course).It sounds like what you want to say to your mom is \"I want to make my own decisions about who I spend time with\". That's a normal wish, and I encourage you to say that to her. Depending on your age and whether you've earned it, she might listen.So, you're sending her that message that you want to send, but you're doing it in a sneaky way, and that's not going to go well when she finds out. It's called \"passive aggressive\" when you say something with a sneaky behaviour rather than with words. It's not a very healthy way of sending a message, because people feel disrespected.My guess is that your best bet is to be honest with mom, stop the sneaking around and come up with a detailed plan of how you're going to earn your freedom...eventually. She might listen to that."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm applying to private high schools. I'm playing basketball on my school team currently, and I love it. I also play on a team that I've hated since the beginning, and I finally want to quit before the season gets started. However, my parents say I can play on either both teams or neither. I think it's unfair because it's up to me if I want to play for a certain team. I was planning on playing basketball for the high school I get into, but if that means continuing to play for the team I hate, then I wouldn't want to play in high school. Now I don't know what to do! My parents are threatening to send me off to a different home if I don't play. I just want to run away.", "answerText": "The situation in your family seems to place unnecessary pressure on you.Are you and your parents able to talk together about their reason for their standard?Are your parents willing to listen to your reasons to not play on the team you hate?If yes, then maybe some type of compromise is possible for all of you to negotiate.If none of the above is possible, then you may want to get specific and direct advice from a professional, such as the school guidance counselor or psychologist, whom you'd trust and feel safe in talking.I hope you and your parents will find an answer that all of you are happy to accept."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am always arguing with my father. He gets stressed over work and health and talks to me in a tone of voice that seems very demanding and seems more like yelling. I get upset often at this. Am I too sensitive? He always says I am overreacting but never seems to understand that he is hurting my feelings. No matter how often I try to tell him this, he never listens.", "answerText": "Thanks for the question. Regardless of whether or not you are sensitive, it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you. When we feel that we are being talked down to or being ridiculed, it is difficult to not take it personally. It sounds like you have taken the first and necessary step in resolving this by bringing up the issue to him. Is it possible that the delivery of your message is causing him to feel blamed or defensive? Try communicating with him during a time when you are not upset and when it is out of context. Begin your statements with\"I\" as opposed to \"you.\" For example, you can tell him, \"I feel angry whenyou raise your voice at me\" instead of \"Youalways yell at me.\" Also, avoid using black and white terms such as never and always. Additionally, offer sugggestions as to ways that he can better communicate with you. Maybe he just doesn't know how to.Lastly, when delivering a message, I like to use the sandwich method by starting off the discussionwith something postive and ending it with something postive. For example, you may say something to the effect of:\"Dad, Ienjoy the discussions we share and really value your opinion. There are times thatI feel angry when you talk to me aggressively. Perhaps you can try talking to me using a calmer tone when I bring up heated topics. Let's try and work on this together. I will try to be less sensitive and I am asking that you be more calm.\"I hope you find this useful!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am constantly having problems with the same two people who will always be in my life. I had a daughter with my ex-boyfriend. I am now married, and my husbands ex-girlfriend is involved with my ex-boyfriend. They also have a daughter together. My issue is that there is always drama. I am pregnant, and I told my ex-boyfriend that I don't want any drama or arguments. I want to get along as much as possible, and he agreed. However, we just had an incident where my ex-boyfriend started discussing drop-off details about my stepdaughter. I told him that he needed to ask my husband because I can't make decisions about my stepdaughter regarding the matter. That led to an argument. I told him all my concern is when I pick up my daughter. My stepdaughters pick-up details are between my husband and his ex-girlfriend. I especially told him I didn't want to be involved. Somehow, he turned it around and then wanted to change the schedule we agreed on. He threatened me and got ugly because I wouldnt discuss my stepdaughters matters with him. The point is there is so much drama. I try my best to get along with everyone. I don't understand where I went wrong (besides replying back to his question). I feel like I'm going crazy because this is a constant battle where everyones frustrations are taken out on each other, and it's the children that are hurting. I had a party planned for my daughters birthday, and my ex-boyfriend told me to cancel those plans because he wouldnt let me have her. In my eyes, its the child that is hurting. I was throwing a party for her birthday, and because of the problem with stupid pick-up details about my stepdaughter, which I have no control over, he took it out on our daughter.", "answerText": "Hi. I appreciate your mature instincts and strong efforts to draw clear boundaries in this very complex situation. I agree that it sounds like the adult drama is unnecessary and potentially will affect the children.Children need adults around them to act maturely, cooperatively and peacefully even when they don't like each other; it helps them feel secure and lets them focus on learning and growing. Your ex-boyfriendseems more focused on his own needs. In fact, he demonstrates behaviours that are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, bordering on 'parental alienation'. I agree this is a problem.I also appreciate how protective you are of yourself at this vulnerable time with the pregnancy. It's not unusual for pregnancy to trigger a need to conserve energy and reduce stress. Honour this instinct you have.I will suggest a few things to you. First, to gather support around you, professionally if you need it, from family and friends, and certainly from your husband. If you two are on the same page regarding the children issues and your ex, that will help. He can help run interference when it comes to his daughter. It will help you feel supported.Know that your ex's behaviours aren't happening because you did anything wrong; it's the way he operates (and maybe this is why you're not with him?). You can't change him, but you can stop blaming yourself for his immaturity and aggression. You're correct that he will always be there, and you can both accept this fact and also find ways to manage the situation.Keep on defining clear boundaries! You might sound like a broken record (\"You'll have to talk to my husband about that\"), but that's okay. It's okay to ignore his efforts to pull you into an argument or power struggle. It's okay to not respond to texts or other communications that aren't vitally important. It's okay to not let him into your house if it makes you uncomfortable. It's okay to not engage with him more than is necessary.Regarding his manipulative behaviours that reflect a tendency to keep your daughter from you, I recommend you document these behaviours and incidents carefully and fully. Let him know what your expectations are, simply and clearly and in writing (\"our agreement states X, and you are not following our agreement\"). Your daughter doesn't have to be aware; I think you already understand that she needs to be protected from the adult conflict.A professional therapist can help you with all of this. I hope this helps get you started towards greater peace, at least within yourself. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She treats me like I'm not in her presence. Shes always yelling at me for no reason. She gives more respect to my brothers than me, but only my brothers fight her while I respect her.", "answerText": "Attention is not equal to love and being valued. It may be precisely because your brothers demand so much more your mom's attention through fighting with her that she pays more attention to them. It is a common situation in families where the \"squeaky wheel gets the grease\" and the siblings or family members who don't demand as much attention end up feeling invisible. It sucks to feel invisible and it is important that there is attention for you and that you know how much your mom loves and values you. This sounds like an important conversation to have with your mom and if she is not able to really understand or help you address this concern you may want to suggest doing some family therapy where a skilled therapist can help you and your family work this out."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am having a problem with extended family members who are inappropriately urinating in my home. They are peeing in cat litter boxes, bottles, and directly on floors and in corners of my house. Is there any literature that supports why such adults would behave this way? This is not a joke. I am trying to understand.", "answerText": "Hi,This sounds like a very challenging and upsetting problem - good for you for reaching out! My first thought is, these two adults may have a sleep disorder that could be contributing to the urination in inappropriate places. Since they are adults, and you can't force them to seek treatment, you might be able to suggest that there could be an underlying medical issue and advise they speak with a medical provider. . As far as what to do for yourself - set some firm boundaries. Be clear about the expectations of your home. Also include the positive and negative consequences should they decide to address or avoid this issue. I hope this helps you, your family members, and the pets!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am married to a beautiful lady. I love my wife with all my heart. We have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We also have 3 grandchildren. Now this event is tearing us apart. I want our family to be together and happy. It was a mistake from so long ago. My wife wants to leave and I don't want that to happen I love her so much. Please help me save my marriage. Even my 3 boys want us to work it out. They love us both and want our family together. Please give me some advice or hope. Sincerely heart broken.", "answerText": "If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I started dating a guy I met online. He told me that he registered sex offender but he didn't do anything. He took a plea to always register as sex offender and he did two years. That was more than two decades ago. Nothing on his record since. I always believe the past should be left in past. But my roommates, their family and my son are unforgiving. Should I forgive this man that I'm falling in love with or should I dump him? If I stay with him I will never see my family and granddaughter again.", "answerText": "Thank you for your question. Trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken, or perceived as being broken, it takes a long time to repair. From what you shared, it sounds like your boyfriend took steps to correct the situation and has shown to be trustworthy since. Unfortunately, no matter how much we apologize for something we did or for something others perceive we did, there will always be those with hardened hearts and will not forgive. If you feel confident in your relationship, then trust your inner wisdom. We cannot control others but only ourselves. Respect your families wishes to remain in unforgiveness while at the same time, ask them to respect your wish to believe in him and be in this relationship. Good luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having issues with my relative. The police never believe the experiences I have been through because I am only a kid. I've even had trouble trying to reach a therapist because I said I wanted to get an adult to help me. Could you please give me advice?", "answerText": "I think it would be wise for you to call a hotline especially designed for children. It's called the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. The number is 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).It is completely anonymous and a trained therapist will be able to provide you with guidance, confidentiality, and can also help you make a report of you want.The call is completely free and they are open 24 hours a day / 7 days a week.I'm glad that you are taking steps to improve your situation. You are a very brave and an intelligent child.Please remember to call 911 if you are in immediate danger."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "The last of my emotions belong to my pets. Today my dad said he might get rid of them tomorrow. If that does happen I might dig hole in the ground with a paper that says \"here lays my emotions. R.I.P.\" I practically have no emotions left and I came to the realization about this not being normal by comparing my reaction to certain situations to my family's. What's wrong with me?", "answerText": "It sounds to me like you have had a lot going on and now you are afraid you are going to lose the last things you care about, your pets. I do not know what all is going on in your family, and I cannot answer for your dads actions or his reasoning behind this.I would recommend that you focus on developing healthy coping skills. We cannot change what others do but we can change how what they do affects us. If you have all of your emotions and all of yourself tied up into one thing (like your pets) then when that thing is taken away it causes a lot of emotional distress. It is really good to have a wide variety of interests such as friends, hobbies, games, etc. Develop other things that you care about and are passionate about.Another reason for developing healthy coping skills to deal with whatever might be going on in your life is if you dont have healthy ones, you may develop some very unhealthy ones. You have to cope somehow, right? Developing unhealthy ways of coping with life is only going to make life more difficult for you.I dont know if this is what it is like for you at your house, but there are two kinds of household environments that can cause dysfunction in children. One is when you grow up in a very rigid stern household where all decisions are made for you and you feel like you have no control over anything. The other is a household where things were chaotic and you never knew what was going to happen next and had no stability. People need to have some stability in their lives and need to feel in control over some things in order to feel safe. Both of these environments can lead you to develop some unhealthy ways of coping with life. Please talk to a trusted adult about your feelings before it gets any worse."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have secrets in my mind, and I don't know what to do with them. I don't want to tell my wife and mom because I don't want to hurt them. But I'm not sure how long that I can keep the secret to myself. What should I do? It's becoming annoying and making me anxious. Help me out", "answerText": "It sounds like keeping the secrets has become a problem for you now. There are several things to consider before you make a decision.- You mentioned that you don't want your wife and mom to know because you don't want to hurt them why would it hurt them?- Is it necessary for them to know this information?- What are the consequences of either telling them the truth or not telling them? (for you and for your wife and mom).- Once you have considered these, think of what you would tell your friend if they were in your exact situation?- Also, if your wife or mom were in your situation right now, what do you think they would do themselves?- If your wife and mom were in this situation, how would you feel? Would you want to know the secrets?- How has keeping these secrets affected your own mental and physical health?Once you have looked at the problem from all angles, you will be able to better make a decision on whether it is right to tell them or not."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "All we do is argue. We never agree on anything.", "answerText": "For how long has the arguing been occurring and does it relate to a specific incident or circumstance in your relationship?Arguing due to temporary stress and feeling lost or uncertain, is different than the two of you rarely agree on what foods to buy at the grocery store.In both temporary or longer term arguing, ask yourself if the points being argued are core principles of yours or matters which you can accept in service to the benefits you feel from the marriage.If your core principles are rejected, youve been arguing for an extended amount of time, and the value of the marriage doesnt outweigh this, then seriously consider if ending the relationship is a better option than to stay in it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "This is a fantastic question. In one sentence, I would say the following:Recognize that while you and your partner probably have common interests and areas of commonality, you are separate people, each with different wants, wishes, and desires if you consider a diagram of two overlapping circles, they may share perhaps a third of the circle with overlap to indicate commonality (could be more or less) and then there are parts of the circles that are not overlapping, indicating separate interestsAs for ways that may strengthen any relationship, even the great ones, this is what came to mind. There are certainly more specific unique answers or elements for different people as far as the details, but here are some general ideas:Try to have at least 15 minutes a week where you are spending time together and not problem-solvingRealize that listening to your partner does not mean that you are agreeing with them, it just means that you are saying that you hear where they are coming fromLearn to hold on to your own wants, wishes, and desires while also recognizing those of your partnerSet boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior during an argument or difficult discussionDiscuss how having important discussions can be anxiety-producing and consider having an understanding that if one of you (or both of you) feels overwhelmed, you can take a timeout for a certain amount of time. For example, you may say \"okay, I'm feeling really stressed about this right now. Let's discuss it in an hour.\" And at that time, go back to the discussionConsider what your partner's top three or four complaints about you may be. Check in with them and see how accurate you are. If you see validity in their responses, consider whether or not you may want to make changesDiscover what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or specialRelationships are always in progress and constantly changing. Some anxiety around change is typical. Being able to effectively discuss the anxiety and actually listen to one another without being defensive, name calling, finger-pointing, or asking each other to change is a true gift.You may enjoy this quote:\"Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.\" ~Brene Brown"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "What a great question! Marriage (or any long-term committed romantic relationship) is never easy. Ups & downs, doubts and fights are a part of it justthe same as the wonderful, tender, blissful moments of connection. Recognizing that hardships are normal and something to work through is a big part of the healthy attitude partners in lasting relationships share.Some degree of conflict is not something to be scared of or a sign it's time to break upas long as all parties involved feel respected.Expressing your needs and wants in a respectful, not accusing manner will increase the chances that your loved one will actually listen, empathize with your perspective and will bemore opento finding solutions to your problems together. Working as a team to find solutions to problems you encounter is a much better approach than trying to persuade your partner that you are right, while they are most certainlywrong. Shutting your partner out orallowing resentment and contempt to creep into your relationships is definitely a warning sign that things maynot be going the way you want anymore.As long as you both agree that you want to be in that relationship (i.e., are committed to it) and you have a growth mindset (\"we will learn from this and grow together to be a better couple in the end\"), the foundation of your partnership is strong. What else?Making timefor each other, whether it's being playful, having fun or enjoyingintimate momentstogether is also an important part ofensuring a good balance of positive to negative experiences, that will only strenghten your bond. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "A resource I think is helpful to learn more about \"what makes a good marriage\" and steps toward doing so is Dr. John Gottman's book: \"Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.\"Dr. Gottman is a leader in this field and has done extensive studies with couples to determine what behaviors are key in making a marriage work and what behaviors could predict divorce. I think this book might be a good start if you're wanting to learn more about how to have a long lasting relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "It's surprising how many folks talk too much on the subject;It's the same three things that make all relationships work:HonestyTrustRespect(in that order)Most folks fall down on the first :) (*coughcough* THERAPISTS! Heh heh heh...)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "Thank you for your question. A good Marriage is one that takes hard work and commitment. Being in a good marriage does not always mean good times because let's face it; we are dealing with 2 unique individuals with differences. A good spouse or partner knows to be patient and accepting. Knowing each other's strengths and imperfections and working with them to lift each other is how you strengthen your love for one another. A good spouse sacrifices their needs to see the other person happy. Don't get me wrong, that also means that it is important to have alone time to re-charge and re-focus our purpose in the marriage. In all, there is not a magic recipe for a successful marriage, but with time, work and purpose one can have a happy one."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "In addition to suggesting this great read from 2016 (but feels timeless):https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0I will give my summary on what the author of the article is speaking to: don't get too comfortable. But, in truth, no one really has the answer to your question, otherwise wouldn't we all have a \"good\" marriage? Also, what even is a \"good marriage?\" What is it that YOU want from a marriage, a relationship, a partner, and what your other-half also wants for themselves, is going to be what defines all of this, because every relationship is different.And in answering that \"what YOU want\" question, you might actually stumble upon what would make for a healthy relationship: vulnerability. You will have to be vulnerable to be able to explore what you really want, and listen to what your partner really wants, as that kind of processing can be uncomfortable. But, with vulnerability comes intimacy, and in most opinions, there is much of a relationship if there isn't much intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "In my mind, a healthy marriage has two participants, meaning both people participate equally in the intimate connection of marriage. An unequal participation comes in many forms, such as one person checking out of conversations when it becomes emotional, or speaking over and for each other in these conversations. Couples should strive for engagement and support, but doing it in a way that works for each person individually. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "I appreciate your question.The answer of what makes a \"good marriage\" are as varied as there are marriages.Basically, similarity, like mindedness in beliefs and values, makes a good marriage.The best chance of getting along with someone on a longterm basis is when two people see life and the world in similar ways.Even though \"opposites attract\" this is a short lived dynamic which breaks apart when there aren't enough similarities in common between the partners."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "This answer varies based on you relationship. However, I do believe their are some basic fundamental areas that are beneficial for a healthy marriage:1.) Effective Communication2.) Trust3.) Love/Passion4.) Loyalty.5.) Unconditional Positive Regard.Everyone has their favorite qualities they feel best fit a marriage. However, these are what I think are great starting points."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I found out today that my wife is cheating on me. I love her, but she wont tell the truth even when I have proof. When I beg her to tell the truth, she yells, cusses, and gets a huge attitude.", "answerText": "Hi Prattville,I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question.If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say \"I need answers to all my questions\". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness.If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door.Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say \"I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth.\" Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Thanks for your question. Communication is essential between couples and often times gets neglected in relationships. Working with your husband to help him become a better listener and consequently, a better communicator is going to take some work from your part. You have to calmly be able to express to him your concern and how it affects you. Very important is that you do it in a loving and non-threatening way. Therefore, the time to have this discussion is not when you are frustrated or need to vent to someone about something important. Focus the discussion on how both of you could benefit from having more meaningful conversations where both parties are being heard and how it is important to you that he hears you just like it is crucial for him to be heard. There is a lot of useful information online about how to be a good listener or therapist in your area that can help you. Be patient and genuine, and he will come around. Best of Luck, Mirella~"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband.Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: \"why don't you...\" \"you aren't...\" \"you don't...\" Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack. Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another. If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Does your husband want to listen to you?Find this out by asking him the question!This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible.Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves.If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define \"listening\", which may be very different than his definition.Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded.What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples:Remember that you can only guarantee change in yourself. You can ask him to make changes, but you can't control whether he does or not. You can control your reactions and what you do about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the relationship.If you're going to talk about something important or you really want him to listen, first ask whether this is a good time.Try to talk to him without blaming, finger-pointing, or asking him to change (this can be difficult, but it also opens a lot of doors for effective discussions).Be mindful of your packaging. By that, I mean that you may have a very important message that you're trying to get across. If you able to say it in a way that is clear and wrapped in such a way that he can hear what you're actually saying, that is helpful. If you are talking in ways that are angry, or as I sometimes say, wrapped in spikes, that can be difficult to hear and receive. Rather than hearing what you're actually trying to get across, he may just hear the fact that you are angry.If your husband is able to listen to you and/or restate what you are saying and get it right or close to right, let him know what that feels like to you and how important it is.If you're asking questions, try to avoid \"why\" question and use \"what makes, how, when, where, who\" instead. Questions starting with \"why\" can not only be difficult to answer, but can also trigger a lot of emotions that some people are not ready to deal with right away.Also, keep in mind that listening and being able to reflect what you are saying does not imply agreement. This may be something that would be good to discuss with your husband just because he is hearing what you're saying doesn't mean that he's agreeing with you.Lastly, but importantly, some people really don't know how to listen effectively. There are people who just are not taught to do that until much later in their lives. Sometimes listening to someone can actually be very vulnerability-producing. It may be helpful to ask your husband if he knows what makes him struggle with being able to listen if you notice that he's really struggling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel? I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way. He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are. So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than \"you never listen to me\" yes I do etc. Direct opener: I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve. Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse. Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return. If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish. You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better. If he refuses, tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse.", "answerText": "One key factor to consider is, are you able to repair after your arguments? It seems from your question that repair is lacking after any disagreement or argument. When couples are able to repair after an argument, they have an opportunity to learn more about each other's needs moving forward.I'm also curious if you're having the same type of arguments over and over? If you're stuck in a particular pattern, and can start recognizing what happens between you when this pattern happens, then you can start to name it. Once you name it, then you can take a break to cool off and come back to each after your nervous system has had a chance to calm down (about 30 minutes). The key here though is to make sure you have a plan in place - when things are good between you - an agreement between you that when you both start to get escalated, you'll name it or have an agreed upon code word to signal you don't want to continue this cycle, and then agree to cool off and come back together at a later time. That way, when this is enacted during an argument, nobody feels abandoned during the cool off time. Rather, both partners know they will return at a time when they can truly hear each other and hear their needs."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse.", "answerText": "At the begin g of marriages, we expect to be living on an eternal honeymoon, but the reality can be different. This is a process of adaptation, even if you had known your better half for a long time, during the first months and years of marriage you go through a process of settling in your new roles and confront new challenges together that as you resolve become new rules and agreements.Yes, you can work this issues by practicing assertive communication, being clear with each other about what is the problem, how you feel about it and how would you like to resolve it. Learn to close arguments with resolutions, and reminding that you care about each other, thats why you choose to be together. Discuss your roles and expectations, this is normally done over a marriage preparation class, is never too late to sit down a talk about what you want and look for in a husband/wife and clarify your roles and rules. Find couples therapist who mediates communication and helps both of to you learn assertive communication skills and conflict resolution.Cmo puedo arreglar mi matrimonio?He estado casado por tan solo tres meses. Cada semana discutimos sobre algo y parece ponerse cada vez peor.Al inicio del matrimonio, esperamos vivir una eterna luna de miel, pero la realidad es diferente. Es un proceso de adaptacin, sin importar por cunto tiempo hayas conocido a tu pareja. Durante estos primeros meses se definen los roles en el matrimonio, tambin enfrentan nuevos retos juntos que segn resuelven se convierten en reglas y acuerdos.S, puedes resolver estos problemas practicando comunicacin asertiva. Deben aclarar sobre cul es el problema, como se sienten al respecto y como lo quieren resolver. Aprendan a resolver las discusiones con decisiones claras y recordando que si les importan uno al otro, y por eso decidieron estar juntos en primer lugar. Discutan sus roles y expectativas, regularmente esto se hace durante clases de preparacin matrimonial, pero nunca es tarde para hablar sobre lo que les gustara que fuera su matrimonio y lo que esperan de su pareja, as clarifican los roles y reglas que aplicaran a su unin.Encuentren un consejero matrimonial que les ayude a mediar los problemas de comunicacin y les ayude a aprender destrezas de comunicacin asertiva y resolucin de conflictos."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "If I tell him I don't like certain things, he does when it pertains to me. He tells me it's not like that. He never has anything to say about me until I tell him something about himself.", "answerText": "It sounds like there are issues with communication between you and your husband. Your perceptions of interactions that you are having don't sound like they match up. It would probably be helpful for you both to work on communicating using \"I\" statements (I feel----when you---). This is a more effective way of communicating your needs than directly criticizing the other person. If you work on communicating in new, less critical ways you both may learn more about your spouse's feelings and perspective."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?", "answerText": "First of all, my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is an extremely challenging obstacle to overcome. There are some things that you should consider. First of all, did he seem truly remorseful? If you felt in his heart that he was truly sorry for what he had done, it will give you a piece of mind that it was a mistake.Secondly, was he forthcoming with this information? How about with answering your questions after the truth was uncovered? If you found that he was still lying or not forthcoming, the sting is even more painful. He should be able to answer any question you have honestly and without hesitation.Thirdly, has he shown a positive difference after this experience? At this time, he should still be proving his faithfulness to the marriage, you and the children.Keep in mind that experiencing infidelity is a form of grief. It is not a quick process that can easily be overcome. What you are experiencing is 100% normal.My best suggestion would be to see a marriage therapist. Find out what drove your husband to cheat in the first place and decide if this aspect in his life has been resolved. I know its important for you to keep your family together but children can sense anger and frustration, this is not a healthy environment either. If you decide that you can no longer remain in the relationship, a therapist will also be able to help you cope with the separation along with addressing your children's needs.Please know that you are not alone and that unfortunately, many relationships have endured this very thing. It may also be helpful to reach out to people who have experienced similar obstacles. The web is a great resource to find groups whether online or in person to use as a support or sounding board.Best of luck to you and your family!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?", "answerText": "To begin, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like many of the professionals have stated, infidelity is a very difficult obstacle to move forward from. It's not impossible. While forgetting is probably the hardest part, forgiveness is something that can and will happen. There are things you can do to help yourself.The first this is identifying what you feel is best for yourself and your children. That means being honest with how you feel being in this relationship on a daily basis and understanding how it's affecting you.Second, how is your relationship affecting the children. Do you feel that by staying in the relationshipthat it's affecting your daily interaction with them. If so, that' something to keep in mind.Next, Really looking at the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. A specific breakdown of what benefits come with staying and what are the ramifications. Vice-versa for leaving. Include your partner. I think being honest with him and letting him know what you are thinking is could be a great option. At least you aren't keeping something inside yourself to manage. Rather, you are being transparent to them. Sometimes a couple can come to an agreement that it may be time to end things and other times it may be best to keep moving forward with a serious plan to how to move forward. Regardless, if you can't trust him and that feeling will never go away it's time to address it. Couple therapy can be beneficial as well as a therapist can provide professional counseling to you.Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?", "answerText": "It is completely understandable that you are struggling to forgive and forget this betrayal, and I'd like to echo the sentiment of Danielle Alvarez: infidelity takes time to heal from, so allow yourself to grieve and find the support you need. I'd highly suggest going to couples therapy and addressing all the issues that Danielle raised, especially whether he has expressed genuine remorse and is being completely transparent with you and is taking responsibility for the choice he made, including acknowledging the immense impact it had on you, your relationship, and your ability to trust him.If you have doubts about being able to trust him, he needs to be willing to earn back your trust and do whatever it takes to do so. If he accepts this challenge, then that is a good sign you are on the path toward healing your relationship. Also, please don't ever forget that regardless of what led him to cheat, it was his decision to take that action rather than addressing whatever issues he was having in your relationship. Couples affected by betrayal typically have some underlying issue(s), whether it is a lack of connection or intimacy or another factor, and it is possible to heal and grow even stronger as a couple after betrayal. Because you are grieving, though, allow yourself to acknowledge and accept your feelings of hurt and pain, as they will likely come in waves, but the pain will lessen over time and with supportive therapy, along with the commitment to repair your relationship-from both you and your husband.Also, in regards to your concern about hurting your children, keep in mind that parents model healthy relationship behavior for their children. If your relationship with your husband remains disconnected, untrusting, or bitter, your children will see that and not only feel sad that their parents are both suffering, but also grow up feeling that experiencing such ongoing pain is tolerable or even normal in a relationship. Having parents who learn to handle conflict or heal deep wounds in healthy ways is crucial for children's emotional and psychological development. Whether they see you heal together as a married couple or heal separately as loving but divorced co-parents, they will learn what it is like to expect healthy communication and boundaries in relationships, which I'm sure you want for your children! Take care of yourself, and I wish you much peace and healing.Also, here is a good book I would recommend, along with books by Gottman, as Rebecca Wong suggested:Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?", "answerText": "Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: \"The Science of Trust\" and \"Making Love Last\" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here:https://www.gottman.com/private-therapy/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I dont like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it.", "answerText": "It sounds like you may be asking two different questions.With regard to what you said about your husband dressing as a female in your bedroom, I wonder if you would consider asking him more about this. If you choose to do that, I would suggest that you ask him whether a certain time is a good time to have a conversation and asking questions for five minutes or more that are related to you learning more about his experience. This can be difficult to do at times, particularly when you may want to offer your own opinions or become very anxious or of type. Consider thinking of a phrase that may help you to stay calm during the discussion. It may be helpful to think of yourself as asking questions as if you were an investigative reporter and using questions that start with words like \"what, how, who, where, when.\" Questions that start with \"why,\" can be very difficult to answer for some people and can be overwhelming because it often links to answers involving emotions that may or may not be understood.Also try restating what your husband is saying to make sure that you are understanding correctly. If what he is telling you is different than what you have heard or thought of for many years, it may be challenging to follow his meaning initially. Remember that listening to your husband does not imply agreement with what he is saying, just that you are following and looking to understand what he is experiencing. I also recommend sticking to one topic for the conversation, but this could be done with many different topics over time.You could also see if he would be willing to have a discussion where he listens like an investigative reporter to learn more about the experience that you are having.As far as what you mentioned about the sexual experience, maybe if you can discuss what it is that you don't like and/or understand what it is that he does like, you could see if there is some middle ground here. It depends on what you both prefer.These types of conversations can be difficult to have for some couples, at least initially. Having structured conversations, such as the ones I've described briefly above, can feel awkward initially, but the reason it can be helpful is because it can lead to further understanding in a way that decreases the chances of having an argument.Also consider seeing a therapist in your area who specializes in couples to discuss some of these ideas."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love him, but he doesnt show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.", "answerText": "What you are describing is a state of abandonment like no other; a direct lack of respect. The challenge here is: you cannot control another person no matter how hard you try. The only person that you have control of is yourself. So then the question that this reality poses is: What are you willing to change? If you love yourself and know that you have tremendous value, if you can see what you bring to a relationship and that you deserve respect and love and tenderness, then you will get to a point where you will settle for nothing less than that. The change that might be necessary in yourself is to change the way you see yourself, the way you treat yourself and what you accept. Your husband also needs to change and that is something only he can do for himself but reaching out to get help as well. It would be helpful for you both to get help because there is damage on both parts. You have much more power than you realize and talking with someone can help you to hone that power and make a difference in your own life. Sometimes, the difference/change can be walking away from a bad situation or it can simply be changing your attitude and raising the bar. Sometimes our loved ones come with us on the elevation, and sometimes they get left behind. You must do some deep introspection through therapy to get to the point where you can answer this question for yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love him, but he doesnt show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Loving someone who doesnt respect or treat you well can be enormously difficult and painful. Many people who find themselves in an emotionally hurtful relationship say that it was wonderful when it first started, but that over time their partners behaviors changed and they became emotionally or physically abusive. I want to say right away that it is not your fault in any way if someone is abusive to you. It does not mean that you are broken or that there is something wrong with your character if you have not left the situation. People stay for many reasons, such as fear, finances, children, pressure from others, and love. Many people have had to leave their abusive partners who they still love to preserve their own safety and regain the sense of self they may have lost. It is a very difficult thing to do, even if you know it is the right thing. The person who really needs to take a hard look at themselves is the person doing the abusing. It is very common for mental and emotional abuse to wear away at someones self-esteem. This can lead to other problems, like depression and anxiety. These issues sometimes require professional support to manage, such as a counselor or perhaps a doctor who may prescribe medication. A counselor may be able to help you sort through your fears and concerns about staying or leaving. To look at things from different angles, and to help you decide what is best for you. You have not said that your husband has been physically abusive to you, but if that has been the case, then you must consider your physical safety first. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Getting help from professionals would be critical, and I would recommend your local domestic violence program. Whatever you decide to do is the right thing for you. I would encourage you to ask yourself honestly about your reasons for staying and the barriers that may keep you from going. You do deserve to be happy and emotionally safe. If you do not feel like you have that safety, then seeking someone to help you sort through these things is a good plan. I wish you well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I love him, but he doesnt show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.", "answerText": "So many questions comes to mind when I read your words...Do you love yourself? What do you LOVE about him? What are you getting from this relationship that is good for you? What are you lacking in yourself that you allow yourself to be treated this way?....I can go on..If you can answer these questions, maybe you will answer your own question of WHY are you with your husband or even better, WHY you ALLOW your husband to be mean, show no love, disrespect you? You seem to lack self-worth...seek a professional to help you with this."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My father is in the hospital and was diagnosed with leukemia. I have been dealing with that all day. My husband keeps getting mad at me for things that I said.", "answerText": "I don't know how long you have been married, but this might be a time to explain to your husband what you wish he could do for you in this moment. It could be that he is showing that he is getting mad at you because he is worried about you and it is just coming out wrong. Maybe he would be open to an honest discussion?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years.", "answerText": "It seems that you have been very disconnected from each other which naturally could contribute to symptoms of saddness and even depression. Obviously something has shifted which you do not understand. Therefore, perhaps you should consider attending Couples therapy to help work through your concerns and feelings? It would also be beneficial to assess if in fact any depression or other underlying issue is going on. Communication is so important in any relationship and the manner in which we express ourselves to our partner can either invite curiosity and emotional connection, or shut down connection. IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years.", "answerText": "My first concern is you: As you stated, you have been emotionally starving for the past five years. Please try to find time for you; to clarify your thoughts and feelings by writing, talking to a trusted friend or family member and perhaps seeing a therapist.What's really going on with your husband? Does he discuss in detail his sudden change?Can the two of you still talk? Do you want the same things? Before you go to couples counseling, I suggest that you get some support first to feel grounded within yourself and your life. Make sure you are ready to hear what might come out of counseling. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I decided to stay and work it out. I just dont want to sit on the couch. Other than that, I have been getting over the situation. I don't feel it is fair that she expects me to sit on that couch and wont leave me alone about it. I can move on and continue to love, laugh, and play with my wife. I just don't want to sit on that couch.", "answerText": "Houston, It's normal for this kind of thing to be a trigger, so I get why you don't want to sit on it, but to keep refusing keeps the affair alive. Am I to assume that you can't afford a new one? Ideally, she buys you a new couch, but it certainly would be a gesture of love for you to do it too and it will help you both move forward.t will be interesting to see if there's anything else that keeps the problem alive after the couch is long gone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm feeling different towards my husband. I feel I am growing from the relationship. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost five. I just don't feel that connection anymore. I feel nothing. I don't know why or if I'm just being irrational.", "answerText": "Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it.When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking \"how come I don't feel the same anymore?\"Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in!The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say \"do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?\" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's?Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love!Okay, now, you might read this and think \"that's not what's happening\". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly.I wish you happiness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have an overwhelming desire to watch my wife have sex with another man. I talked to her about it, and she said she will do it for me. The idea excites me to no end, but I dont want to because it disgusts me. How can I stop wanting it, or should I just give into it and do it? Ive been struggling for years with this. It wont go away. By the way, I am in my mid 30s and my wife is in her mid 40s.", "answerText": "Try to understand your own ambivalence to having your wish fulfilled.Since you and your wife are in a relationship, the sex she will have with another man will affect emotions in both you and your wife.I suggest you and her prepare emotionally before you both go ahead with the sexual arrangement,By anticipating any jealousy or feeling helpless or out of control, or in control, since it's your wish being fulfilled, all the feelings you and her are able to expect, you'll be more prepared for the actual emotions from the episode, which may also resolve your conflicted feelings about creating the event.There are a lot of unknowns in the situation you're considering. Having your partner, who will be key in satisfying your sex wish, be active in understanding these unknowns, is a good way of keeping your relationship strong overall."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I have been together since high school. We have been married going on for nearly ten years, and we have three beautiful children. A few weeks ago, my husband decided he need some time apart and moved over to his dads for a while. He comes home to see the kids and acts like there is not too much wrong. Can this marriage be saved or is it too late? He said he would go to counseling, so I don't think he has given up.", "answerText": "While it would be impossible for me to say whether your marriage can be saved it sounds like you are both willing to give it a try and to get professional support. With appropriate professional support for your relationship a lot is possible. I'm not familiar with the resources available in Jackson but I'm sure there are some good local couple therapists and there may be some agencies that specialize in couple counselling and family therapy.So often the challenges that we have in relationships result from rather small habits in relating that lead to greater feelings of distress, loneliness, anger and resentment. I commend your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children. The following links provides more information regarding common behaviours that predict staying together or separatingand also videos and other resources that can help you get started.Wishing you and your family all the best on your journey of healing and discovery."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.", "answerText": "I empathize with your feeling \"crazy\" hearing your husband yell \"enough\" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.When the immediate situation has calmed down, have you ever told him that this upsets you? Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.Sending good luck to both of you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.", "answerText": "It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, \"enough.\" Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An opendialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband doesnt trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security.Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears.On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom.If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband doesnt trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.", "answerText": "The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you.The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back.Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process.The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed.The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust.As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track.The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust.Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband doesnt trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.", "answerText": "It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband doesnt trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.", "answerText": "Hi Louisiana,It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again.You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him.As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband and I would've been married for five years come June 2016. Our infant daughter just had her birthday. Shortly before, he told me he wanted a divorce. He has four other children, three of which are from his first wife. He decided to end that marriage when his youngest was an infant. The children do not have a good relationship with him now. He has another child from a woman he was dating. He decided he didn't want to be with her anymore when the child was an infant. It seems to me that there is a pattern. He easily detaches from relationships at the same time in the child's life but wants a relationship with them when they are older. I've tried to research online, but I'm not getting any answers. He also has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol and does not believe in mental health disorders such as depression and bi-polar disorder. He also does not believe in therapy or seeking help from professionals. Is there a detachment disorder or some form of mental block he could have? Where do you recommend researching this?", "answerText": "This sounds really difficult and I can understand your motivation to get to bottom of why this behaviour has occurred - especially if your husband (who sounds like he is an ex-husband?) continues to have a relationship with you and your children. With that being said - relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking for. In order for someone to be diagnosed with a mental illness or in order for them to identify what leads them to fall into particular patterns in relationship - they would need to be willing to seek help and honestly talk about their challenges, something that you say your ex is not willing to do. While it might be a relief to understand what is going on with him - it might be more comforting for you to get support for yourself in processing your feelings and everything that has come up for you as a result of his choices."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My husband cheated on me and it hurt me very bad. It was a time when my health was poor. I'm have a hard time moving on.", "answerText": "How has your husband acted since then? Was he regretful? How did you find out? Did he confess? These are all things that you want to consider. Betrayal is very hard to get over so if it's taking you awhile to get over, know that this is normal.Hopefully you're husband has been very regretful and upfront and honest with you since this happened. It may take awhile to reestablish your trust with him and he should understand this.It's also very important to discuss WHY he cheated. You want to make sure that the reasoning behind this was not something that could arise again in the future. And if it can, there needs to be an action plan in place (i.e. being honest with how he's feeling) so that you both get a chance to rectify the situation.If the cheating has happened more than once, you may want to reevaluate your reasoning for staying in the marriage. It would be obvious that he did not truly regret what he had done or else he wouldn't repeat the same mistake. However, if it was a single event and he has shown you and continuously shows you that he genuinely loves you and is sorry for his mistake, I would give it a try. People do make mistakes and sometimes it takes an event like this to realize what you have.Know that it takes time and that you have the right to feel what you feel. If the relationship was a good, healthy relationship, it is worth saving. Ease back into it and be upfront with your feelings. In return, your husband should be patient and understanding of this.Also, marriage counselors are often a good go-to as they have a great deal of experience working with marriages in similar situations.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been with my husband for almost 7 years. We got engaged a little after 5 years of being together. I had always been clear that I wanted to get married and I sadly would drop hints about how i wanted him to propose. When he did propose it was during a random vacation that I had planned. I was happy but I couldn't help feeling disappointed too. I had told him numerous times before that I wanted him to do it in front of my friends and family. I know it sounds dumb to be upset but I couldn't help how I was feeling. We are now married but the wedding and ring were also far from what I wanted and it wasn't due to lack of funds. I know this is all material and the marriage is the most important thing but I cant help but get jealous and envious every time I see someone get a proposal or wedding that I had wanted. I cant help my anger because I know we only get one proposal and one wedding. What I wanted will never happen. I have been working on my feelings for the past year and half to get over it. I try to focus on our marriage but every time I see someone have the best proposals and weddings I get upset. I know it is selfish and I know its petty but I just can't control it. It's ruining our relationship because I constantly think about it. Plus, I get mad at him for small things because I am trying to hide the fact that I am so disappointed. Why can't I move on?", "answerText": "It's hard to let go of the dreams you had regarding your wedding and engagement. This was something that you and most women think about for years, so it's understandable to be disappointed. But please be aware that it is rare that any wedding is perfect. You may envy your friends' weddings but more than likely they had a few mishaps of their own and/or it wasn't as perfect as they had planned it either.However, like you know, the marriage is the most important thing. How many women are envious that you are in a happy, stable relationship? I assure you that there are plenty.Try to live in the present considering that dwelling on the past can still not change how you were proposed to or how your wedding day transpired. Focus on what you can control NOW. Perhaps, you can plan an extravagant renewal of your vows or change the look of your ring?I would also be upfront with your husband and explain why you've been short lately. But after that, close that chapter and move on. It sounds like you have a wonderful companion and you certainly don't want to lose this due to a situation that is impossible to change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.", "answerText": "There is an organization dedicated to helping individuals find affordable counseling. It is called Open Path Collective. There is a one time membership fee of $49 and it lasts for your lifetime. You then have access to local counselors/therapists who will see you for an extremely reduced rate, anywhere from $30 - $60. https://openpathcollective.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.", "answerText": "There are plenty of online providers within the mental health field that would me more than happy to speak with you immediately. Many of them provide treatment on a sliding scale fee. I would google online mental health treatment providers and that should lead you to a list of providers that can help you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.", "answerText": "Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often timesoffer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been bulimic for about 6 years now. I'm in my early 20s. I am about to start back to school to become an RN, and I really need to get better once and for all. I lose control of myself and become angry and anxious and just eat and purge. Over and over. Can someone please point me in the right direction for help?", "answerText": "Eating disorders usually result from a sense of insecurity about who the person is, whether they are good enough compared with anyone else, and whether the way they person lives is effective.If you have a style you're already happy with to reflect on these sorts of topics, keep following your own logic with the aim to free yourself, which usually takes place gradually, from these sort of self-doubts.The other approach would be to find an unperson or an online discussion group where you'd be able to offer and receive the support from other people who live with a similar problem.Good luck in your studies!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?", "answerText": "Hello,This question describes a very typical setup of what is called the Binge, Repent, Repeat cycle. This means that typically after you binge, you experience emotions as you described \"shame and disappointment\" and then because of these emotions you \"repent\" (i.e. vow to never binge again, promise to \"do better,\" go to the gym, etc.) and then ultimately end up bingeing again.There are many coping mechanisms for binge eating and one of the best is actually attempting to NORMALIZE eating. Meaning you need to attempt to eat normally, eating appropriately portioned meals 3 times a day, with snacks in between. IF you binge, then it may be helpful to remind yourself that when you attempt to compensate for your bingeing behaviors, and you end up feeling restricted from over exercising or undereating, then this actually leads to a binge again. Thus, reverting you back to the cycle. If you binge, it will be helpful to try and get back on a normal schedule of eating instead of trying to compensate for the binge. Although it may feel counterproductive, getting back on a normal eating schedule will prevent you from entering into the restrictive cycle.It can also be helpful to remind yourself that the binge has already occurred, it is in the past and the goal is to move forward without focusing on the past. Focus on what you can do differently next time. What emotions or situations led up to the binge? What can you to do prevent or change the circumstances that led to the binge, or the way that you handled the situation?Lastly, if you're struggling with \"normalizing\" eating, it can be helpful to work with a professional that can provide counseling and coaching to help you learn how to eating normally, mindfully and without feeling the guilt and other harmful emotions sometimes associated with disordered eating. I would be more than happy to assist you if you ever have any questions or want to reach out to somebody. You can contact me via my website:http://www.maddenwellnessky.com/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?", "answerText": "In dealing with an eating disorder you are far from alone. It is more common than you might think and tied to so many variables that it is easy for an individual to become overwhelmed in trying to navigate the influences of such variables. I have been working with individuals dealing with such challenges since 1998 and have found over the years that behavioral analysis is highly effective in helping you begin to isolate, understand and then be able to address many of these variable impacting your behavioral and cognitive choices. Consider finding someone trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT). There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of this approach to alleviating many of the aspects you identified in your post as well of a wide variety of tools that you can choose from and utilize that are able to practiced and assimilated into your daily tool box of coping mechanisms that end up becoming new behaviors and ways of thinking about issues that become automatic, the best possible outcome you can hope for if you want the solution to be sustainable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?", "answerText": "The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction. You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort. Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength. Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress. It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt. Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you?Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time. You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food.Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on. Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention.Well wishes!!!!!!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?", "answerText": "I believe that for results that last, the best approach is to understand why someone feels like doing a certain behavior.\"Coping mechanisms\" are superficial instruction that people usually give up on when feeling extreme pressure from the problem behaviors.Take the slower road of understanding why you would deprive yourself of enjoying food.Also, if you consider the binging as a mistake of some kind, reflect on why doing something less than ideal, deserves harsh criticism and not tolerance and acceptance that people mess up occasionally.I'm glad you know that there are better ways of treating yourself. This is a valuable awareness of realizing you deserve patience and respect, not humiliation and severe criticism when you are lost as to best ways of self-care."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert.", "answerText": "I would recommend removing yourself from the environment you are in after you have finished eating. A simple walk around the block, calling up a friend and going to visit, or even going to another room in the house can help. If you find that you truly have no self control over food, I recommend attending Overeaters Anonymous; a 12 step group for those with compulsive issues related to food. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "There's this boy who asked me out awhile ago. I said no because my friends and family would think weirdly of me. How do I be with him and tell him and tell my friends?", "answerText": "Since you've decided to be with the boy who already showed you his interest, then why not simply tell him you decided to accept his invitation to be together?Probably your first concern about hesitating to accept this boy into your life due to the way you imagine your family may react if you do, is the more complex matter to solve.Forming a relationship does bring up our values and the way these are different or similar to our own. At the same time, we already have values which are rooted in those from the family in which we grew up.Your dilemma of wanting to be with this boy shows there is a clash between your values as an individual, including your choice of partner, and the way your family understands the values which support being part of a couple.Stay true to what you feel, whether this comes from your family or the way you currently are evolving.This will guarantee that your new relationship will be built on the values and person you truly are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.", "answerText": "Maybe the reason is not having confidence in the love you give to yourself.Possibly you consider the quality of your self-love as inferior to love someone else gives you.The best way to push through to your own self-comfort and acceptance is to be aware of this tendency so you can remind yourself to practice appreciating the unique love you give to yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.", "answerText": "There could be many reasons but often people feel validated when they are in a relationship, the need to be in a relationship can be related to a belief of unlovability which often stems from our childhood. The relationship sort of soothes this temporarily and the others interest or desire helps counteract the ingrained belief. There are many questions that may help understand why, how was your relationship with your mother (caregivers)? How was your childhood etc.?Many people describe having a hole or void they try and fill with material things or people but it only is a temporary fix which usually drives the person to the next relationship, or object in hopes it will be fulfilling but it never is because fulfillment is work we need to do ourselves. This journey involves finding acceptance and love for ourselves. Once we have that we don't need to look elsewhere for fulfillment."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.", "answerText": "There are a lot of ways to look at this. It sounds as if there is a part of you that is looking for support. I wonder what it is that you feel when you're not in a relationship?Because of the way you asked the question, I'm getting the impression that you are referring to romantic relationships. I wonder if you have close friendships that could form a network to help with this when you are not romantically involved with someone. Even when you are in a relationship with a romantic partner, having friends is still an important element.I wonder if you could also notice what changes for you inside of yourself (as far as emotions) when you move from not being in a relationship to being in one.Perhaps you could take a look at what you value about yourself.In general, it is natural for people to want to be in relationships with others (in this case, relationship has many meanings and degrees). Most of us enjoy sharing elements of our days, thoughts, feelings, etc. with someone else who we trust and care about also hoping they care about us in return."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "It is not the case of being right or wrong, in my view. If you are asking, I believe you trulycare for your boyfriend. It seems like he is having difficulties in establishing trust in this relationship. The ideal would be to come closer to his upsetness and to show him that you are there for him. I hope all goes well. Rossana Mag."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, \"how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?\" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some \"emotional infidelity\". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we \"ran into another person's arms\" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Depends on your definition of \"wrong\" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.Good luck! Hope that helps,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did Others would be upset. If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. You didn't do anything \"wrong\" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?", "answerText": "Two paths are possible.You're not overreacting and instead are genuinely sensing that something feels unsettled within your girlfriend.You are overreacting because you have difficulty accepting how safe and loving your relationship is with this person.The only way to find out is to start conversations with your girlfriend on how you feel.This will allow new light to open an answer as to the truth.Once you know what truly is going on between the two of you, your self-trust naturally will grow stronger.Self-trust will give you an accurate read of what and whom you are able to safely trust."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?", "answerText": "Remember that all relationships center around 3 simple values: HonestyTrustand Respect......in that order, too...If you are unable to trust, then you are fundamentally dishonest about something in yourself;Moreover, whatever you do not honestly experience, you do not honestly express out to another;To be honest with oneself is where most people fall down... and, when you do fall down, pick yourself up... and get back on the horse :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?", "answerText": "What's most important is that you recognize that what you've been doing is off base - that what you've been feeling is \"overreacting,\" that you have \"insecurities,\" and you suspect your actions and reactions are connected to your own past and not to the current situation or to your partner. That's an excellent first step because without recognizing these things about yourself, it's unlikely that you would change.That said, you sound as if you are really ready to start some therapy to work on your own personal growth... not because there is something \"wrong\" with you, but because you're ready to learn more about yourself and make some creative changes in your behavior. Yes, there are lots of self-help books and courses, but we humans often make the most progress when we have support inreal-timefrom another human being who can sit with us, point out our blind spots, and teach us some skills that are hard to learn on our own."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "I can only imagine how hard that must have been to hear. On one hand, most of us would say we want our partners to always be honest with us, but on the other disclosures like this can lead to feelings of worry and inadequacy if we're not careful. So let me first of all say that it is very normal for human beings, even very committed and happy partners to have moments where they notice an attraction for someone else. Quite honestly, the brain can't help it. It sees something good looking and it pays attention. And when we pay attention to something good, our brains send out neurochemicals associated with that happy thought...and we get a rush of what your girlfriend is labeling \"a crush.\" The difficulty here is deciphering whether she was just attempting to honor her commitment to you by sharing this feeling OR if she is continuing to feed those feelings. I would encourage you to thank her for being honest if you haven't already, and ask her to further describe the nature of these feelings and what she'd like to do from here. As weird as it is to say, at the end of the day, what helps the most is typically reassuring yourself that you WILL be okay not matter what! That it is worth it to invest in your relationship and give it your all and if someday, god forbid, this woman chooses to walk away, then she is not the one. Will it hurt? Of course. But is it the end? Hell no! There are 7.5 billion people on the planet and I firmly believe statistically speaking alone, there are at least several hundred thousand that could be AMAZING partners for you. Cheering you on,Tamara Powell, LMHCP.S. You might enjoy this excellent book by Esther Perel for further inquiry into the fascinating world of love and mating behaviors: \"Mating in Captivity"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about \"the crush\". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that \"absence makes the heart grow fonder\" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have \"shared\" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your \"crushes\" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here https://www.gottman.com/couples/apps/. While on the phone or video chat, try asking each other some of these questions so that you can build a deeper knowledge of one another. Some may seem silly, but they help you know the other person more intimately. It is also helpful to make sure that you are having regular communication with each other. Some situations make it very difficult to communicate, but if at all possible, daily communication via phone or video chat would be best. Even if it is just for 30 minutes a day, really dedicate your time and attention to each other during those calls. Next, it can be helpful to know each other's love languages so you can show each other how much you really care. Take the assessment for the 5 Love Languages and talk about the results together. You can find the assessment here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/Attraction to other people is completely normal and involves biological processes. Intimacy, on the other hand, creates real connection and dedication to each other. Learn about each other, spend time together, and you will create intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a crush, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a \"crush.\" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that youve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. These are some clear strengths in your relationship. Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. Youve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", "answerText": "If I understand you correctly, this \"maybe-boyfriend\" has done a partial break up, and wants to maintain a partial relationship. Is that ok with you? And, if it is, what does it cost you? He says he's \"done\" but still wants the connection. That seems to leave him free to explore other options, but it doesn't allow you to do the same.Break ups are painful, and I know you'd like to avoid that. I get it that you feel attached to him - you have been in a relationship with him for 4 years, so that makes sense. However, loving him appears to be costing you a lot, without much in return.If you wait for him to define what he wants, you could be on hold for a long time.Please don't wait another year to advocate for yourself. See a therapist who can help you figure out what you need out of relationships and why you have allowed yourself to be on \"pause\". It is possible that once you get clear, you will be able to have a true relationship with him. If not, please don't settle for this.Take good care of yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", "answerText": "That does sound very confusing...and hurtful. You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you. It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him. You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", "answerText": "Have you brought up the topic as to the way you're feeling?The best way for someone to understand us or to understand someone, is to directly talk about the specific problem.To start the discussion w your partner, understand your own reasons for continuing the relationship.Given his stated disinterest in the relationship, your mood is probably affected by this.Once you are clear on how the range of your feelings, especially any fears on being alone, suggesting you may be staying w this guy simply to avoid such fears, then you'll be ready w your self-knowledge, to start a conversation w your partner about your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", "answerText": "This can be difficult and confusing.If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling.If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations.Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with \"why\" because they can be emotional triggers for some people.If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "What an important question, and the fact that you're asking it is a big step in the right direction. To answer in detail would require having quite a bit more information about what \"relationship problems\" have occurred that woke you up to the fact that you're not listening as well as you could and that you're running the risk of losing her.Given that I don't have all that information, I'll offer one simple suggestion. Your girlfriend is the expert on what she needs and wants in relationship. You could simply say to her that you know you still have a lot to learn about how to have a good relationship and you realize you're not yet understanding what she needs andyou really want to. Then take a deep breath, settle down, and listen. Don't argue, don't interrupt, don't judge... listen. Let her know what you understand and that you're open to hearing more, learning more if you're not quite getting it yet... and then listen some more. Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and don't want to lose. This is the first step toward intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm You can try them and see if they are helpful. ***It is important to remember that like all new skills, communication requires practice and we surely fail several times before we start getting good at it. If you were ever a pitcher in baseball, then you know you have to throw thousands of pitches before you really start hitting your strike zone consistently. Allow yourself to make mistakes, own them, and start again. I hope these suggestions help, and good luck.Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, \"That makes sense\" or \"I hear you\" or \"I get that.\"3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:http://imagorelationships.org/pub/about-imago-therapy/imago-dialogue-101/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this! If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would secondRobin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.Other favorites of mine are:Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage by Dr. William & Carleen GlasserEight Lessons for a Happier Marriage by Dr. William & Carleen GlasserHold Me Tight by Dr. Sue JohnsonDivorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.The Five Love Languages by Gary ChapmanThe Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency the Other Side of Co-Dependency by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that yourpartner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with? If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Recently my boyfriend broke up with me because of my bad language. But he thinks I'm a total b***h. I know I'm bipolar and can be selfish. He called me today and says he can't go through with the breakup. I was broken and didn't want a breakup to begin with, but I know I'm horrible at times and can't help it. It's like I'm battling myself. What do you feel?", "answerText": "Both options seem reasonable. Seeking individual therapy will help you to cope with the mood changes that come with bipolar disorder, will give you a space to vent your negative thoughts, and will allow you to find the coping mechanism to address life and relational challenges. IF your boyfriend is interested in attending couples therapy with you, it will assist in identifying the problems in the relationship that pushed him to the breakup and will give both of you the tools to communicate and resolve conflicts.I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing individual, couples, and family therapy services in West Houston. You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment. Debera buscar ayuda yo sola o junto con mi novio?Mi novio me dejo recientemente por ser mal hablada. El piensa que soy una p***a. Yo s que soy bipolar y que puedo ser egosta. El me llamo hoy para decirme que no puede continuar separado. Yo estaba destruida y no quera que nos dejramos desde el inicio, pero se lo horrible que puedo ser a veces y que no lo puedo evitar. Es como si estuviera en guerra conmigo misma. Qu piensas?Ambas opciones son razonables. Buscar terapia individual te ayudara a manejar los cambios de estado de nimo que son partes del desorden bipolar, tambin te dar espacio para ventilar los pensamientos negativos y encontrar herramientas para enfrentar problemas relacionales y de la vida diaria. SI tu novio est interesado, tambin pueden asistir a terapia de pareja para poder identificar las razones de la separacin, y obtener las herramientas apropiadas para comunicarse apropiadamente y resolver conflictos. Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia. Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I told him I liked him. He called me lovely and pretty but he said he didnt want a relationship. He would always flirt with me.", "answerText": "Well, as disappointed as you may very well feel from hearing this guy's answer, you know he doesn't want a relationship.What type of move would you like him to make?If you mean you'd be happy to have sex with this guy and not a relationship, then wait for as long as your patience allows.To wait for him to change his mind that he does want a relationship, doesn't have a very strong base on which to stand.Its possible to do this only consider the emotional price of your frustration to wait for someone to change their mind."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the \"perfect guy\"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?", "answerText": "Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you \"should be\" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him?The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men.Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man \"everything else is perfect about him\". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the \"perfect guy\"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?", "answerText": "The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without. And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner? Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself. He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you. Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are. On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you. He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the \"perfect guy\"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?", "answerText": "Hi Montgomery,Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say \"Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me\". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question \"Are we physically attracted to each other?\". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I met this girl in high school. She had switched schools at the end of the year, and I have not seen her since. It's been a few years. We had a very good and friendly relationship, and we seemed to have a lot in common. I never gained the courage to ask her out.", "answerText": "One way to make good use of the situation you describe is to prepare and rehearse within yourself the way you'd handle a similar situation in the future.Since a lot of time has gone by since you and this girl saw each other on a regular basis, right now you've got no idea if you'd feel the same way about her today as you did a few years ago.The relationship does point out the priorities and values you hold for a potential partner. That you liked the friendliness you shared is good for you to recognize. This way you realize you like friendship as a relationship property. To have lots of similar interests, is another quality you appreciate in a partner.The more you know about what you do and don't like in a partner, the greater your chance to notice these qualities in someone new who comes along your path."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.", "answerText": "My empathy goes out to you. Relationships are tough enough and i'm sure your partner being distant has been upsetting for you. You are confused and want to mend the relationship with him, but are finding it so hard to do. Relationships require both people to work consistently in order to keep them happier, but if it is only you that is actively trying to repair the relationship, it can be emotionally draining.Perhaps expressing you feel using I, you statements can be beneficial. Do not accuse him or use \"you\" statements like \"you are so distant\" or \"you don't even care\".Start out sharing your feelings by saying \"I feel sad when you don't return my phone calls\" or \"I feel confused about our relationship ever since you have been keeping to yourself\". He may have a valid point, or might have been hurt by the argument and retreated as a result of it. Regardless of why, use this time as a great opportunity to practice healthy communication.If you think you are not ready for a conversation like that, couples counseling can be excellent. You will have a skilled facilitator guide the conversation and help you both communicate with one another."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you have tension between you and your bf.A relationship means two people who relate, right?! If only one person does all the work to change their approach, what they expect, what they offer the other, then this becomes the new problem to solve.If you've already done a significant amount of reflection and change in the way you relate to him, then the next step may be to be patient as long as possible while he decides what to change about his part in the relationship toward you.Substance abuse recovery requires profound effort and reflection. If it is successful then the result will show very different qualities in your bf than the ones you know currently.He may be so absorbed in the recovery that he can only concentrate on this. Of course if the fights persist and you have been patient for what feels too long, then there are different questions to address."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.", "answerText": "I would first suggest you sitting down with him and voicing your concerns about how distant he has been, or more importantly you have felt that he is. This will give clarification to the situation as we need to remember that everyone's perception can be different. Remember that relationships take work and take communication."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was never single, afraid to be alone, and I looked for my boyfriend to make me happy. I finally worked on my self, was in a relationship, and I did everything a healthy girlfriend does and it didn't work out. Now months later, no man peaks my interest. Am I ready to date again? Is there a reason no one sparks my interest?", "answerText": "Yes, of course there's a reason!There's always a reason for most dynamics!Depending on the nature and qualities of what changed as a result of your new self realizations, you may be more deeply affected by your new awareness than how you imagined these would go.Since you already are on the best road possible for yourself, since this resulted from your own introspection, keep trusting your own self work as to what develops and at what pace your relationship attraction qualities grow."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend is always saying he's done with me and says he's leaving, but then at the end of the night, he's still here. He wakes up in the morning, acts like nothing happen, and repeats this every night.", "answerText": "Do the two of you ever talk over why he does this or your reaction to it?Are you asking your question because his behavior upsets you or only out of curiosity to understand him better?Basically, first know your own reason for your question. Then go ahead and tell him if what he does bothers you. In the best of cases, he doesn't realize how his actions affect you and he will change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was with my boyfriend for years on and off. We dated and broke up three times. Since we broke up five months ago I can't move on. I want to get back together but he won't talk to me. What should I do?", "answerText": "Probably being sad to lose the relationship would be a good next move for you.When a relationship ends the daily life structure changes significantly. A break up means adjusting to differences in everyday life, not only that the person is no longer connected with us.Since your boyfriend isn't talking to you then you're keeping yourself sadder than necessary to not accept his actions. There's nothing you or anyone else can do change the fact that when someone decides to stop talking, this person is the only one who's in charge to start talking.Maybe since you've had several breakups w this person that you require more time to pass before you're willing to accept that his changed interest in the relationship is permanent.Be patient with your uncertainty as to whether he will or will not resume the relationship. Once enough time passes so that you're considerably past the point at which you and he come together, then accepting his leave-taking will feel natural.Right now its very understandable to have hope since you've been on this road before. In time you'll have your answer as to whether your future is with him or not."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I really like this guy and I think he likes me back, but his sister is my bestfriend. I'm afraid that if I tell her I have a crush on her brother she would loose it. I once told her I thought her brother was cute and she got really angry. I've gotten to know her brother better lately and I've realized he may actually feel the same way. I don't want to lose her friendship. What do I do?", "answerText": "Do you and the brother to whom you feel attracted, ever see each other or are in surroundings in which the sister/your friend, isn't?If yes, then this gives you the chance to find out whether you and the brother actually do like each other.If no, then definitely have a private and direct conversation with your friend about the fact you're attracted to the brother.Find out the reason your friend becomes angry to hear you like the brother.Anything is possible from, she'd like to warn you about qualities in her brother which you may not know and if you did, wouldn't like or react negatively.Or, if protection isn't your friend's reason, then maybe she's fearful to lose your friendship if you start a relationship with the brother.Friends are people who care about each others' lives. Let your friendship with this girl work on behalf of each of you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I took our relationship for granted and he's now to the point that he's giving up. I have had trouble feeling like I could trust him but he's given me no reason not to trust him. I know my attitude is also a big issue for him. I have a lot of obligations at home so we don't spend a lot of time together. How can I fix this relationship?", "answerText": "A key factor in a relationship is trust.I'd start by understanding more about why you feel unable to trust your bf.Does this have something to do with a bad encounter you had from previous relationships, or with a sibling or parent?Its also possible you're intuitively sensing you can't trust your bf bc he's not trustworthy. Sometimes people sense the basic safety items in a relationship before they emerge.Also, your bf may have similarly suffered broken trust and he gives off a feeling of not welcoming your trust.Its possible you're feeling his own self-protection about being in a relationship with you.The best way to open these topics is to actually talk about them together with him.Whatever the underlying tensions are, talking about them always adds positive feeling and confidence to a relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Whenever I sing along with a song that I like (even if it's just for the beat and not the lyrics), my boyfriend assumes that the words of the song mean something negative about our realationship. I don't why he gets so mad and assumes I mean something negative from every song. Now I can't enjoy and sing a song without him thinking I'm trying to give him a hint. He even accuses me of cheating and lying. It's driving me nuts. I love him and would never do such an awful thing ever. How can I get him to understand?", "answerText": "Well, have you told him similar descriptions of your feelings as you just wrote here?This will give him the same understanding you're allowing us to have here on this site.Keep in mind that the best, the amount and the number of times you tell your boyfriend some information about you, still means that whether or not he is willing to accept and rely on your information, is in his hands only.Try to feel satisfied with your own effort to explain yourself. Another path to open is to ask your boyfriend his reason to feel insecure about your love for him. This may open a wider discussion about what he feels he'd like from you so he feels good in the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a lot of child custody concerns, financial issues, insecurities and weigh gain. I also have no local family support. It's hard for me to stay positive. I get very emotional and take it out on the people I love. How can I stay strong?", "answerText": "There's online forums and blogs, some of which have interactive discussion groups.Also, depending on exactly what you mean by becoming \"emotional\", feeling overwhelmed by feelings typically happens when people feel a lot of stress and pressure in their lives. Loneliness contributes to feeling overwhelmed too.Your feelings may be perfectly normal.Similarly, depending on what you mean \"take it out on\" people, you may be expecting too much of yourself.If you're expecting other people to listen to your upset feelings, this is reasonable.If you're harming them as a a result of your upset feelings, this is unreasonable.Depending on what exactly you are doing when you \"take it out\", you may be quite reasonable to do so."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was talking to my fiance about changing my hair. He recommended a very specific hair style. Then I found out his ex has that exact same hair. I feel like he must know she has that hair style. Am I nuts, or does this show that he's still in love with her?", "answerText": "Maybe your finance's hair preference for you reflects he still is in love w the ex.There are other many reasonable options too.Maybe he doesn't know a lot about hair styles, or didn't want to even think through the question carefully and also didn't want to tell you this directly.He may have tried to take the easy way out of involving himself in your question.The key whether or not he loves you is how you feel most of the time in your relationship. If most of the time you trust the sense you are loved and you love him, then this gives you some reassurance about how the both of you feel toward each other.It is possible too that your finance has some remaining feelings for the ex. Whether or not this makes any difference to you depends on how stable and reliable you feel is the love between the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend recently started hanging out a lot more with one of her friends who did her wrong in the past and just walked out on her. So for the past 3 years its been just me and my girlfriend. Things have been great up until the last month. Now she ignores me and texts and hangs oit with her friend more and more. I dont know what to do anymore. My girlfriend is so distant. How do I keep from losing her?", "answerText": "Well, if you each want to be with the other, than no one will be lost.Have you told her about feeling slighted? Start telling her about your feelings. How she responds to you will tell you a lot about where her heart is and maybe too some of the reasons she has been so involved w the friend.Who knows, maybe the friend has problems of her own and your gf is spending extra time w the friend to help the friend, and doesn't even know you feel hurt.You would do yourself and your gf a lot of good to tell more about your feelings. Either you will get more closeness and consideration, or not. At least you will have the truth."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel?", "answerText": "\"Practice makes perfect\"!Simply by expressing yourself and listening to if others listen and understand you, then modifying your next try with whatever improvements you think of based on the impressions you feel others have of you, will progress your self-expression.Also, one way to lessen the tension before speaking to someone is to tell them you feel unsure on how best to express yourself. This way you've prepared them to be patient with whatever words you do state."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel?", "answerText": "Let's just start with being real. Expressing yourself is vulnerable, and being vulnerable is hard. It takes courage and work to be vulnerable. My guess is that you have been shown in your lifetime that being vulnerable (ie, expressing yourself) is unsafe. My assumption would be you have been criticized, or ignored when you have expressed yourself in the past, it has taught your emotional self to simply not do it again. This is a normal protective mechanism that you have used to cope with past feelings of hurt. It will take time and work to engage again in an emotional way.I would start my practicing and identifying how you feel to yourself. Check in with yourself multiple times a day to gage where you are at emotionally. After you feel you have a good grasp on this, start to engage in emotional conversations with others. Choose others that feel safe to you, a good friend that knows you well, or a sibling or family member. Expressing yourself is a behavior that you have suppressed out of protection, so you can choose to engage in safe emotional expression behaviors just the same. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him?", "answerText": "From what you write you've got good motivation to change and awareness as to what you'd like to change.These are very good predictors that you'll be successful in what you'd like to change.Try, the next time you realize you're depending on your bf instead of friends, yourself, to interrupt whatever typical action you'd take.Do something different instead!If when you'd like advice and usually ask your bf, ask a different trusted someone.Or, when you feel lonely, contact a friend or introspect on your own if usually you'd contact your bf.Also, being dependent on a bf is part of a trusting intimate relationship. Dependency in the sense that you each are reliably available to each other, is a good quality.Only if it seems excessive, such as you're isolating yourself from other close friendships, is dependency on a partner, a problem."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him?", "answerText": "Recognizing that you're too dependent on your boyfriend can be a wakeup call and an excellent opportunity to work on your own personal growth and independence. It sounds like it's time to explore and develop your own interests and engage in some activities that excite and challenge you. If you have time, it could be useful to begin a new activity or class, cultivate friendships outside of your relationship with your boyfriend, and begin to reflect and meditate on ways to enhance your own personal fulfillment."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "We feel alone because we are not comfortable with being our self. When you find that nobody is around do you feel alone? Your never alone. Once you take the journey to really understand who you are and unconditionally loving all that is you, there will never be an alone moment.We seek outside of self to fill inside. This is the big lie of the planet. All you need and have ever needed you supply yourself.www.lifecounselingorlando.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "Hello there. Thank you for sharing your heart here. I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often. Many feel alone with one another quite frequently. THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person. In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me. Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people \"listen\" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its whenyou follow up by inquiring and listening to others thatyou may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do.And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected. Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance. Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too.Or in other words, not bein'ok' withmyself makes it difficult being with others. Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person? These are just some thoughts to consider. Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things... we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely.Kindly-keith hughes M.A. keithcounseling.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "Although we can have moments when we feel alone, even with the presence of family and friends, feeling alone most of the time could be a sign that there is a lack of connection between you and your loved ones. Generally, the lack of connection can occur when you don't feel heard, understood or valued. These are common emotional needs that result in a good and secure emotional connection that reduces feelings of loneliness.You mentioned that \"they listen but don't understand.\" Do you communication clearly about what you need emotionally (understood, accepted, valued, heard, empathized)? To help you ask for the right type of support, you can ask yourself what it is about the situation that is bothering you and how you would wish for your friends and family to respond to you. The result may be an answer that is more informative to your loved ones. For example, you might say, \"Thank you for listening to me. When I feel alone, I feel like nobody cares about me because everybody seems busy with their lives. I just wanted to hear and feel that I'm valued by receiving caring messages and phone calls.\"Dr. Virginia Chowwww.psychologyresource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "You ask a very deep and sensitive question which reflects good self-awareness.It is possible you are a more sensitive and aware person than the people whom you describe as listening and not really hearing you.Not everyone has the same capacity or willingness to pay careful attention to what is going on in life.Maybe for right now, until you are able to find in person friends whom you're able to feel hear you the way you'd like to be heard, find online forums and groups of likeminded people.If you google a topic which you wish your friends would be better at understanding, there will be scores of groups, including google groups, which come up.You're not alone in the sense that there are definitely people on this earth who are sensitive, caring, and willing to talk and understand others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't speak up if I'm uncomfortable and hardly ever make plans for us when we hang out. He is a very open and straightforward person, so he is getting upset with me for my lack of proper communication. We've been together two years and have identified this as our main problem. Arguments have arised from this single issue many times.", "answerText": "Do you know what you're afraid may happen if you do speak up?Usually people don't talk freely because they feel afraid to do so. Sometimes the fear of being rejected by the other, of being criticized or judged by the other person, or that what you will say stirs anger in the other person.If you are able to know what your particular reason is for not talking, then maybe you and your partner can talk about what makes talking easy or hard.Also, since speaking up is new for you, then ask your partner to be patient while you learn to do so. Everyone does better at learning new skills when they feel supported and welcomed."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.", "answerText": "Under duress the very youngest parts of you and your boyfriend emerge. So, while you still look like grown ups, your actions and words are motivated by very early preverbal parts of both of you. In simple terms it is as if two infants somehow acquire the ability to say words but they are motivated by very basic early wounds that were created due to deficits in what was able to be done for each of you, and likely understandable in terms of caregiver's life experience, and that still fell short of what you needed. You are both still trying to get very early needs met.The best advice I can offer is to try and remember this as early as possible when things start to heat up, and then restrain expression that you already know leads nowhere helpful. And seek out a therapist who can help you to work with these early issues and can support you to grow and develop from this stuck point.Avraham Cohen, Ph.D, R.C.C., C.C.C."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.", "answerText": "Communication involves a listener and a speaker. Both have to be willing to do their part to make communication work. This is something that takes both and not just one. Without both, communication is impossible. Staying together and the kids observing unhealthy communication is already broken. Seek help to improve communication. Couples' counseling would be helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.", "answerText": "Try having a conversation with your boyfriend about your views and wishes for the relationship, when the two of you are having a calm time. A few questions I'd like to ask him is why he says he doesn't love you when the topic at hand is about a specific practical matter.I'd also like to know what he hopes will happen from dwelling on a matter.And, why are you swallowing your pride? Sooner or later this will come up on you in much bigger ways. Instead, try to know your own wishes that you are either not stating or are being ignored by your boyfriend.The best way to resolve accumulated tensions is to slowly open the discussion between the two people.It is possible to stay together forever. What you each need to realize, is the terms under which this would most likely take place.Sending lots of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.", "answerText": "You can't fix this by yourself, but I applaud you for trying. One person working hard in a relationship can make things better for a while., but in the long haul you need two people giving some effort. I'm reading between your lines here and I wonder if your need to keep the family together is getting you to apologize when you've done nothing wrong and ignore things you've felt hurt by. I sense that you're doing all the work...that it's not balanced.I have worked with many couples and I've learned never to underestimate what kind of change is possible; anything is possible. But in order for change in a couple to occur, you need two people who are both willing to own their choices and behaviours, and who have empathy. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to have these components; he pushes you away and blames you when he's done something hurtful.Can you be honest with yourself about what's happening? I encourage you to sit down with a trusted friend or therapist and look at what you have here and what your options are. I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dating this guy, Peter. My friend Jennifer used to date him a while ago, and she's fine with us dating. My ex-boyfriend, Paul, broke up with Jennifer, and she's devastated about it. Peter and I are going through a rough patch in our relationship. All of a sudden, Paul is in \"love\" with me, and he wants me back. I don't know what to do because I can't hurt my friend or my boyfriend, but I think I might Paul again.", "answerText": "Hello. The dynamics of having a romantic relationship with someone is not always clear. Sometimes we jump from one relationship to another without giving ourselves a chance to adjust and grieve for the one we had to leave behind. When you find yourself in a situation where a previous partner is coming back into your life and desires to be with you again, it is important to ask yourself what the motivations are prompting that return. Is the person afraid of being alone? Are they jealous of your current relationship? Do you feel the same way about this returning relationship as you did before it was ended? How long and/or how committed is the current relationship you are in now with your current partner? Does your former partner not like being \"dumped\" and maybe they just want to get back together with you so that they can \"dump\" you instead? Some of these questions you may not be able to answer, and some of them might require your own internal reflection.You likely want to make a good decision, and you also might want to consider who it will impact, and how that will happen. Other friends might be upset at this sudden change, and it could create a strain on your friendship. You will want to carefully consider the value of that friendship before you take any actions that could damage it. Also perhaps think about what led you to end the relationship with your previous partner in the first place. Has there been a change in events or behavior that would cause you to think of a valid reason to give that person a second chance? How it will it impact your current relationship?Going into relationships should be done with reflection, patience, and full awareness. Ultimately you choose who is in your life, so you want to make those choices based on appropriate decision making, and with the ability to protect yourself from harm. No one else can make this choice for you. However, gaining the insight of friends or family can be helpful, as can seeking out the counsel of a therapist. In your heart, you will likely find the right answer. Learn to trust that more, as that is where the core of emotion tends to be when you need it. Use your mind to analyze things, but allow yourself to also feel your way through the situation too. The answer will arrive if you let it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend called me a particular profanity and I broke up with him. This is the third time he's called me this and I'm just completely done with giving him chances. He knows how much it bothers me. I just want to know if I'm over reacting.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are reacting to an issue in communication patterns, rather than a particular word. The ability to listen considerately to your partner and to have your partner listen to you is one of the keystones of a successful relationship. If your partner is not listening to, acknowledging and remembering your wishes, that is likely an indicator of some fissures in the foundation of the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend is in Ireland for 11 days, and I am an emotional wreck.", "answerText": "It sounds like you and your boyfriend are very close. Do you typically spend most of your time together? If so, it may be important to reflect on how you feel when you are apart. If any separation is difficult, you may need to examine why. Think about what it is that you miss and what you are anxious, upset or worried about. If you examine the causes of your distress you likely will experience some relief. It is important to learn how to be happy when you are alone, it will only improve the way you feel when you are with your boyfriend."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have high functioning autism and I have been on a lot of dating sites like meet me, match, and zoosk. I haven't had any luck on any of the dating sites I have been on. I really want a boyfriend but I don't know what I should do. I just want to be in a relationship. How can I meet someone?", "answerText": "Are there dating sites for people who have autism on the high functioning end?If not, then find out the names of different organizations which support people who have autism. At least one of these groups will have some guidance as to social activities for dating or even specific sites for dating when autism is a criteria.All the rejection on dating sites is rough for anyone to handle.How do you know that you're being passed over by guys who are on dating sites because you have autism? Any reason is possible.Unless you've heard from a few particular guys that their reason for looking beyond you is because of your autism, it is possible you're in the same boat as everyone else who feels similarly frustrated by dating site rejection!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "I agree with Sherry that in a close intimate relationship, you are entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others. These questions help couples to build connection and trust. It's based on the idea that if you reach out to him for whatever reason (support, openess, understanding, empathy), you can count on him and can expect him to be responsive. How he responds to your question will give you an idea whether he helps you to feel more emotionally secure and builds trust or if you feel that you cannot be open with him. If your partner responds in an open and understanding manner, it usually indicates that he cares about your feelings and values your importance. If he responds in a defensive manner, it could mean that he does not like that you are questioning your trust in him or that he has something to hide. Either way, you may wish to explain that building trust is something that is very important to you in a relationship and that talking to him openly helps to foster that. If he continues to be defensive or evasive, then there might be some bigger issues at stake and the two of you may benefit from couples counselling or having a discussion about the values that are important to you in the relationship and how the two of you will go about supporting those values with actions.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "The best way to get an answer is to just ask. I would defintelylet him know you are asking out of concern and not to judge or criticize. Allow him to explain his answer and see how you feel about it. Try to ask him when you both are already discussing other topics and just say, \"Can I ask you something?\"Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "If you'd like to ask a question, then go ahead and ask!Boyfriend/girlfriend is a close relationship and it is usually understood as an exclusive relationship. You're definitely entitled to know if your wishes to not have him texting another woman, are being respected.Often people are afraid to ask because they fear the truth will hurt them.In the short term this is definitely true.In the long term, knowing you are getting what you want and at the very least stating your expectations to your boyfriend, will clarify for him, what is meaningful in your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?", "answerText": "Hello. You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a long-distance relationship. Although maintaining a long-distance relationship has its challenges, with the proper communication, commitment, and understanding, many long-distance couples are able to thrive and maintain a close connection.Without knowing more about the \"complicated\" nature of your relationship, I wonder whether your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him that makes afraid that he will find someone else. Has he cheated on you in the past and has shown romantic interest to another person that made you fear losing him? Or, is your thought just a fear but not based on evidence? Knowing that distinction is important because if it is the latter, you may benefit from refocusing on the wonderful qualities about your partner that makes you feel good about him and the relationship rather than focusing on the unknown or uncertainty of the future. The more you focus on \"what if\" situations, the more you may feel anxious about a reality that is not accurate and make you act in ways that are insecure.However, if there is reason for you to question his fidelity, you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust in the context of a long-distance relationship. To help the conversation, you may need to consider what you may need to experience or receive as support to feel safe in the relationship to build trust. Is that you wish him to contact you regularly, or to include you more in his life, or to make a clear commitment? For many of my clients in my private practice, that may include talking to their partner often and using a variety of modalities including text, phone, and Skype. It's hard to believe in a relationship when you never talk to your partner, and it's hard to build a relationship when you don't know what's going on in your partner's life. Other times, it is Making sure they talk often to their long-distance partner so that they can participate in each others lives and to feel their presence.. Regular communication, understanding and caring is the key to sustaining any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance ones.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?", "answerText": "Loving someone in the military is hard. My husband and I joined the USAF two months after we got married! How long do you expect to be apart? Do you have access to Skype or something similar? How far away from each other are you? Can you meet half way periodically? I have a number of military friends who have dates over the miles with facebook live. They pick a restaurant, order, and talk about their day. It's super cute and sweet. What are some things that you have tried?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?", "answerText": "You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will. The military may add stress.This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "When I ask him who he is talking to, he tells me no one. But, it sounds like he is holding a conversation with someone. I have even accused him of having a secret cell phone. I ask so much, I feel like I am losing it. Is he trying to make me question my sanity, or is he talking to himself?", "answerText": "A rare topic & likely extremely troublesome for you... I would need to have more background information on the two of you before beginning to offer any insight. Feel free to email me.I would also like to add that aside from the reality of whether or not these conversations are actually occurring, as your partner, he should be just as concerned about something that is disturbing you to this level. Partners need each others' trust and support, no matter who is right or wrong."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?", "answerText": "We women really do tend to struggle with the comparison game. And Hollywood culture hasn't helped with romantic comedies and song lyrics telling us that when a man appears evasive, there's something to worry about.It's been my clinical experience though that most women value transparency and security in their relationships. So you might try sharing a little bit more about your history with this woman. For example:Where did you meet her?How long were you friends before you decided to call it quits?Why don't you want to be friends with her (i.e., what do you mean by \"kind of crazy\")? I promise this tends to matter to women.Were you ever intimately involved with or even attracted to her?If your girlfriend can truly see that you view her as the filet mignon to the other woman's hamburger, and that she is your favorite person on the planet and has NOTHING to worry about, she may start to come around.Now, IF she's more concerned that you might be taking this woman's calls behind your back, while I'm not typically a huge fan of sharing passwords or phone records, you might print them off and highlight this female's number and show your girlfriend that you absolutely are telling the truth.And if you really want to step it up, I would be intentional about doing all the little things that you know your girlfriend loves that helped make her fall in love with you in the first place (e.g., little love notes for her to find or sweet text messages, buy a rose or her favorite flower, have her car detailed, do the laundry...date nights...you get the idea). Bottom line - show your girlfriend why out of all the women on the planet that you could be with, you CHOSE HER. And would continue to do so all over again. AND why you love HER as a person. This will help her trust what you're saying.Best of luck to you! Tamara Powell, LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?", "answerText": "Do you know why your girlfriend doesn't believe you?It is strange that your girlfriend prefers you to take the phone call of another woman.Have you blocked the unwelcome phone calls?Has your girlfriend said she doesn't believe you or is this your interpretation?Find out the answer and then ask your girlfriend to tell you her reasons behind her thoughts.It is much easier to help someone understand a situation if the person is engaged in a conversation.Whether or not she understands is up to her.All you can be responsible to do is to offer your explanation, which sounds like you've already substantially offered.Keep or reintroduce the topic for the two of you to talk about again."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?", "answerText": "Open and honest communication can go a long way in situations like yours. Your girlfriend may be suspicious if you don't give her enough information. Answer her questions fully. Ask for her suggestions as to how to handle this female friend. Ask for your girlfriend for help in getting the female friend to understand that you are not interested in continuing the friendship. If you are honest with your friend, your girlfriend will probably feel like you are being honest with her."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have a toxic relationship due to his emotional and verbal abuse but he makes me feel like I could never find someone better, and that I can't be happy without him. How do I get away from this relationship?", "answerText": "I'm glad you recognize your own best interest and that your life will be much better without verbal and emotional abuse.One of the terrible results of being abused in a relationship which is expected to be loving, safe and supportive, is that the one who is being abused, starts to question their own judgement, rights, opinions, overall way of thinking.This happens because partners who are intimately involved with one another are very meaningful. Regardless of how irrational, wrong, mean, selfish, intimidating, thoughtless, a partner is to the other, the person on the receiving side gradually starts questioning whether they are wrong for not accepting these sorts of interactions.Stick with what your own intuition tells you.There is a part within each of us which knows the truth of what is going on.Leaving a relationship is always difficult to some degree. People are in familiar patterns of daily behavior, no one wants to suddenly \"be alone\", even if this only means showing up as a physical body, not as a truly loving partner, no one wants to start telling others about a breakup, answer questions about it, feel blamed, worry what others think.These are secondary matters to following the truth in your own heart.Listen to yourself about leaving this guy. Your inner self does not lie to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We had great chemistry, but then he became distant. I had the feeling that I can't be without him. As soon as I felt the difference, I was scared to lose him. I started freaking out if he did not answer, thinking that something bad happened.", "answerText": "People often care deeply for those whom they love. I don't know how long you have been together. It is also common to want to be very closely connected to people who are important to you.It may be helpful to have a conversation about talking more or talking about how you feel when he is not there and how he feels about answering you right away. It may be helpful for both of you to listen to each other and what you are feeling and experiencing so that you can look at what may work for both of you. For example, maybe you could remind yourself that he will answer you when he is not busy or as soon as he can.Sometimes just talking about these feelings can be helpful so that you can both have open discussions about whether the amount or type of communication is too much or in a style that is not working for both of you. You could also consider leaving text messages or something that does not require an immediate response so that when he is busy, you have the ability to write a message, and he has the ability to answer when he can.I also wonder where you are getting the idea that something bad happened. I don't know whether something happen with this person in the past or perhaps at another time in your life.Some people benefit from ideas such as not going to bed angry, but this is difficult for others.I would suggest considering what makes each of you feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special.Also think about what styles of communication you both like and what is and is not okay in the context of an argument.It may be difficult to talk about what has related to him being distant and it may be helpful to talk about ways to communicate about this first (such as taking a 10 minute timeout if it becomes overwhelming).Perhaps talking with a therapist who specializes in couples would be helpful if talking about this between you is confusing or if you do not both feel heard by the other person. Remember that feeling heard does not mean that you have to agree with one another."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We had great chemistry, but then he became distant. I had the feeling that I can't be without him. As soon as I felt the difference, I was scared to lose him. I started freaking out if he did not answer, thinking that something bad happened.", "answerText": "The simplest answer is that love feels good, obsessions don't.Love deepens a sense of peacefulness and security.Obsessions give anxiety and worry of feeling abandoned.One suggestion is to study more about yourself and why you'd feel so ill at ease when you aren't w this person."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im in my early 20s. My exs parents are friends with them and have told them bad things about me. I left my ex due to an abusive situation, and they are making me look like I was the bad one.", "answerText": "Maybe you can talk with your partner about this first look at the different elements of a possible conversation in the future. If you are at a place where you are willing or able to disclose the reason that you left your ex, that could be one element of the discussion, but it doesn't have to be.I don't know how long we have been together with your current partner, but perhaps his or her parents would see you for who you are and make their own opinions over time. That may be a discussion to have with them as well.Hopefully your partner will be a good sounding board before these conversations."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I try to do everything right just so we won't argue, and it doesn't help the only time he is calm is when he is drinking alcohol. I get anxiety over having fights with him.", "answerText": "Because of the way that you say your boyfriend is only calm when he is drinking and you have concerns about flights, it would probably be most helpful for you to speak with a local therapist so you can have specific conversations about what happens during these fights.When you do \"everything right,\" are you saying that you don't argue? It sounds a bit as though you are trying to read each other's mind without being able to communicate effectively. I recommend working on this with a therapist, though (even if you end up going without your boyfriend to sessions), so that you can talk about specific strategies and what you can do when he is not calm."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Ever since I was little, I loved the idea of loving someone and spending my whole life with them. I treated everyone nice. For girls I liked, I would spend every second with them. It always ends the same way: I like you as a friend, or I love your attention but not you.", "answerText": "Attention is often something that is both wanted and sometimes not wanted all the time. Maybe when you're in a relationship with someone you can discuss the amount of attention that you are both comfortable with and/or what you are both looking for as far as amount of connection."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm dating a guy I really love. We have our problems, but I could see myself with him long term. But there's this other guy who I've had feelings for for awhile now. He gives me butterflies when we talk, and my heart beats fast when I see he's texted me, which i never felt with my current boyfriend.", "answerText": "There are different types of attraction. You said that you've never felt this sort of feeling of your heart beating faster with your current boyfriend. Depending on how long you've been together and if you're looking at different ways of making a life together and getting to know each other on a deeper level, that's a different stage in a relationship and sometimes it feels different. Some people look at it as a difference between levels of passion and compassion, but there are many different terms to try to talk about it.Perhaps with this guy that you really love, you could talk about ways to keep things new and different in the relationship. Maybe you can leave notes for each other during the day or have a small surprise at random intervals (maybe an invitation to a picnic, for example).As for the other guy who makes your heart beat faster, what do you see in him? You said you really love the other guy, which is why I'm asking.What do you look for in the person who you want to be with long-term (whoever that is)?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend and I have been back and forth for over a year now. He's in his late 20s, divorced for like five years now with two kids. He has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. He lies and cheats, but I love him. I've tried to date other people, but I always go back to him.", "answerText": "There are a lot of pieces to the decision of whether to stay or leave. Can you have open conversations about your concerns? Is he able to listen to that? I'm not sure how you know for sure that he lies and cheats, but does he recognize these things as problems? Which part of you is bigger: the part of you that wants to stay or the part of you that wants to leave? Can you consider what you want, wish for, and desire while also considering the same for him? Can he do that for you?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship, but I feel like I'm always putting more into it and not getting reciprocated. My ex told me that I will never find anyone else, and that's lingering in the back of my mind.", "answerText": "The most crucial key to any relationship is that mutual feeling you hold between you both: that you matter. Sounds like you are stuck in a cycle of hearing your ex say you don't matter. That's why it didn't work with him btw. He wasn't reflecting to you that you mattered. However it ended, clearly though that's the sentiment that's lingering with you. So here you are hanging around a new man why is telling you the same message. Move on. You aren't unworthy, you just haven't found a man who is worthy of you!To be worthy of you, he must see your worth. Often though before anyone else can see your worth, you have to believe it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.", "answerText": "We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you don't matter. There are many ways to rewire these relational patterns, the first step of which is taking pause and noticing that you are feeling insecure - so congrats on that because clearly you are already there! Next I'd suggest finding a relationship therapist to help you sort through your insecurities, either as a couple or individually."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.", "answerText": "How did you come to the conclusion that you are acting needy?Is this what your partner told you or are you feeling this way about yourself?The difference is that what you'd like from a relationship may be very reasonable, only that your partner is not someone who wants to meet your needs.One way of evaluating whether you're actually needy is whether you feel that you give yourself love, take good care of yourself when you're in situations that are not connected to being part of a couple.If being by yourself feels uneasy most of the time, then probably practicing self-love, consciously treating yourself with consideration and thoughtfulness, may help you feel less needy of others.This way, when you're with a partner, the time together will be in enjoying the partner, not getting love because of not figuring out a way of giving love to yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?", "answerText": "Hi,First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a sex therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one.As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people inthe relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you.I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of sex that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer sex required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book \"Opening Up\" by Tristan Taormino.I wish you the best of luck!Dr. Lily Zehner, MFT-C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I completely agree with Dr. Zehner. Many couples are in open-typeor polyamorous relationships where one or both partners engage in sexual relationships with others. The key thing about this is that it really does have to be something that both people are okay with. Now, as Dr. Zehner indicated, what may be okay today may not feel okay tomorrow, so good communication is essential.The truth is, even in polyamorous relationships where partners are in agreement, jealousy does sometimes happen. Here is a good article about polyamorous relationships and the issue of jealousy: http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/polyamorous-dealing-jealousy/This site has many other articles about polyamory. If you type in \"polyamory\" in their search box, you will find some good information. I wish you well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "i was addicted to porn since the second grade. I'm in my early 40s and overcame my addiction during my separation from my wife of 15 years.", "answerText": "The person who can answer this question is the person you want to rebuild that trust with. They are the only one who can tell you what it will take for them to trust you again. What they tell you may seem hard or impossible but unfortunately that is what THEY need. It is up to you if you feel and know you can provide what they request."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.", "answerText": "From what you write, you're not too happy with how your boyfriend treats you and how he handles his own life.What keeps you feeling connected to him in positive ways?If you're truly not happy most of the time in this relationship, then you're at the time of asking why you'd want to remain in a relationship which is draining."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.", "answerText": "Sometimes relationships just do not work. Don't feel that the first, second, or even third relationship is the relationship you are suppose to be in for life. The one that is meant for you will require work but should be be draining and a constant roller coaster of breaking up. It is good you all went to counseling, but one or two sessions may not be enough to make and see a change in behavior. It takes times and it takes both working toward the same goal. I would suggest doing you...meaning focusing on your own growth at the time. If he wants to grow with you, he will make the necessary steps. If he doesn't...wish him well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late?", "answerText": "You'll only find out whether or not it is \"too late\", by following through with wanting to message him.Regardless of whether the response you receive is what you'd hoped to hear, including not hearing back from him, you will have done yourself a great honor and respect by following through on a wish and curiosity you've had for some time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late?", "answerText": "It's never to late to let a person know how you feel. You never know where it will take you. You don't want to hold this regret of not letting your feelings known and wondering \"what if\" for the rest of your life. That can be torturous. Now prepare for whatever..if his feelings are the same or if they are not. If they are the same...great. If they are not, feel good that at least you let a person know they hold a special place in your life and wish him love, peace and happiness in his life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments, but I just need to focus on my personal situations, and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him, but not now.", "answerText": "It sounds like you're pulling away instead of being honest. If you really want to be with him, why not now? If you don't have time for a relationship, why are you dating at all?I don't understand the whole \"phasing out\" thing that people do these days (or \"ghosting\", where you just stop talking and disappear!). I get the sense that this relationship isn't working for you, but for some reason you're stopping yourself from being honest with yourself and him and just ending it. In the early stage of a relationship (the first year), if it doesn't feel fabulous, it's a good idea to move on. It's not personal. You don't owe this person anything. They deserve someone who's totally into them (and so do you) and you're doing him no favors by hanging on to something that's not amazing or giving him hope that it might work better in the future sometime. You don't have to slowly bow out. It actually creates more hurt than gentle honesty. Maybe people don't know how to say it?\"I've decided not to continue with this. I wish you the best.\"Life is too short!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments, but I just need to focus on my personal situations, and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him, but not now.", "answerText": "I have learned that the best approach is to say that you need the time to get yourself together, mature, learn, outside of a intimate relationship but just in a friend to friend relationship...don't blame him or point fingers at him.... most likely if you did that it would not go well. If you make it about you and that you want the best for him while you work on self, it would be taken better."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments, but I just need to focus on my personal situations, and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him, but not now.", "answerText": "Why don't you just tell him everything that you just wrote here?You're clear in your mind as to what you would like.Unless you have a whole either side to the way you feel, everything you wrote here explains your position very well.Good luck in having your conversation!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.", "answerText": "Give him the time and space he needs. Obviously something is going on with him that he needs time to process, think about, and work through. Respect that most men are not talkers but more thinkers. If and when he is ready to talk, he will. When and if he does talk, be a comforting listener and put yourself in his shoes the best you can to be the support he needs. Don't take it personal because you just been dating 3 weeks and his depression maybe something that been going on for a while. If you do like him...showing him by being patient and supportive at this time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.", "answerText": "Your boyfriend may like you a lot as well.People have different styles of reflecting on their lives, one of which is to retreat the way you describe your boyfriend doing.One point you can consider is asking for a time frame of when he'd be ready to discuss his thoughts on your relationship.He's entitled to retreat, as much as you're entitled to talk.Cooperating with the other person's way of handling themselves is one aspect of relating.Since the anti-depressants are a concern for you, consider bringing up this topic when the two of you do talk."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.", "answerText": "This seems like two questions. The first is what may have happened to prompt him to back off. The second is what it means to you to have a boyfriend who takes anti-depression medication who says he has \"a lot on his mind.\" Both give you opportunity to look at yourself. Having expectations can be a huge trap. I write about this extensively in the first chapter of my book Living Yes (www.LivingYes.org). Is there any way that you can enjoy your time together without expecting anything down the road? Are there wonderful lessons for you to take from the relationship - even if it only lasts three weeks? Can you create a mindset of gratitude for what is and let the future expectations (and future demands) go? Are there new ways to communicate that might bring you together? What are the lessons for you about allowing the relationship to develop its own course on its own time? Again, let go of all expectations, and see what happens. That's what \"Living Yes\" requires.I am sure this will work out well for you - either with him or without him. ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Me and the father of my child have been dating for a year. We had a big argument and at first he wanted to work it out. But with time he started asking others and they told him to leave me. Now he wants me to wait on him to mature. He wants to talk to other people. Then come back in four years. He doesn't want to deal with me while I'm pregnant. He doesn't take me to the doctor or anything. I feel alone. How do I handle this situation?", "answerText": "Well, as far as your boyfriend, sounds like he has received advice from others that is not wise advice. Leaving is not the answer after a \"big argument\" as you mentioned. However this is not surprising to me based on his possible age and maturity level. Having a baby is a lifetime responsibility and there are very few who handle this or who realizes that it requires one to step their game up. This is something that he has to realize and be encouraged by his parents or a mature adult to do. Hopefully, someone who has better (wise) advice will talk to him and he will listen.As for you, how do you handle this situation is your question....you do what you have to do to prepare for your baby, with or without him. A lot can happen in four years and you don't have time, are not required, and can't wait to see what will happen with him. You have a LIFE to prepare for, to feed, to protect, and to love. Can you tell your baby to wait; I don't want to deal with you now; I need to mature; I will be back to see you later; Hope you will be fine? Nope!!! As I always say, you are not alone because there is someone somewhere going through the same or similar thing. Develop healthy friendships...whether with family, friends or new people who may enter your life. Your support system will grow and life will go on...with or with him. Stay focus on you and your baby..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have several issues like I don't like people. They make me sick. I have issues with talking to people. I feel like they are talking about me and making fun of me. I have felt this way for years. When I look people in the eyes I have voices that tell me to hurt them and if I don't stop looking at who I am talking to it gets so loud I can't hear what they are saying. I just stay away from people to avoid this. I look at people and think how I could hurt them. I feel like I am worthless and would be better off not in this world where I don't fit in. Every day I wake up it's like another day. Any info would be good.", "answerText": "Sounds like you are dealing with a lot within your self which is causing you great pain. I would suggest that first you get a full physical evaluation to make sure that you are ok physically. Then getting a mental evaluation as well from a psychiatrist. Seeing both would help rule out any physically or psychologically causes to your symptoms. After getting these evaluations, your physician should be able to help guide you on what treatments would be the best to help with your everyday challenges your are facing. Whether treatment includes medication and/or psychotherapist would be discussed. Please consider doing both immediately so you can have the live you want everyday you wake up."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Now that the other girl is out of the picture, our sex life isn't the same. Is it because he is still thinking about the other girl?", "answerText": "Or...better yet... Is it you still thinking about the other girl? I am sure his cheating hurt you emotionally andmay haveaffected your sexual performanceas well. Make sure the other girl is out the picture on your end as well.Sounds like something the both of you need to have a calm and adult conversation about."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was in a relationship with him for three years. My mom doesn't like it because she thinks I'm making a mistake. He got married a few months after we broke up, and now he is divorced. I forgave him for what he did in the past, and he says hes sorry and he really loves me. I love him too, but is it bad that I'm giving him a second chance again?", "answerText": "Hey, it might be mistake in the end but this is a risk you want to take and you get to make your own mistakes. Your mom wants to protect you; I get that. Maybe she is worried you'll be hurt again. Were you hurt in some way by him? Can you understand where she's coming from?Sometimes when we're mad at our partner and we complain about them to mom, it's hard to know how to repair mom's relationship with the partner when things are better and we reunite. Can you help your mom understand that you take responsibility for your part in how it went wrong; that the picture you may have painted of him isn't the total picture? She might need help there.Thank your mom for her love and care, and you can also let her know clearly that you and your boyfriend are the only ones who get to decide whether you're together or not, that it's a risk you are going to take, and that you really need her support. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am currently living in a hotel and I dont have a family. I met a guy a month ago. He is a bisexual. He has a lot of gay friends on social networking sites. He would not help pay for the room. When I asked for the TV remote control, he threw it elsewhere and asked me to get it. I slapped him and asked him to leave my room. We recently just got back together. One time I was sick. He came to visit and feed me but left no money. Then he texts me and brags about his house and car knowing that I have struggles living at a hotel. He says that he has a whole house where he can put me in and orders me to text him whenever I need someone to have sex with. He left his bath soap so he could come and get it. I think that he is trying to find a way to come back. Please help me. Whats going on? I am a good, loyal woman. Why is he treating me like this?", "answerText": "I am less concerned about this man as bisexual and having gay friends, than about how you feel is treating you. You are in a vulnerable position because of social isolation. If you have friends to talk to, please reach out. While this man has money, it is not his job to take care of you financially unless the two of you have decided that together. It sounds like he sometimes cares for you and other times you feel disrespected. I would suggest you look for a man that is consistent in his love and care. This is not your fault. But you are in control of removing him from you life or choosing not to because he meets some of your needs. Take care."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have sex, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had sex. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her familys house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didnt understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldnt do it at all anymore. I was crushed! A few days later, she tells me how much shes missing me and lets get together for lunch or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just sex), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her childs sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesnt even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesnt work out for her, we will try again. Im completely in love with her, and Im in extreme pain.", "answerText": "That sounds really heartbreaking. It is tough falling in love and not being able to dive fully because of complications on the other side. It sounds to me that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing by taking \"care of myself\" while the rest sorts itself out. While I admire your desire and courage to stay friends - the \"extreme pain\" that you mentioned may make this too challenging and at odds with your taking care of yourself. Since there is no commitment on her end to give it a shot with you I would make sure that you really honour your own feelings about what feels right to you so that you don't end up feeling strung along or resentful. Make sure that you lean on friends and family at this time - we need all the support that we can get when we are heartbroken."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have sex, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had sex. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her familys house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didnt understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldnt do it at all anymore. I was crushed! A few days later, she tells me how much shes missing me and lets get together for lunch or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just sex), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her childs sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesnt even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesnt work out for her, we will try again. Im completely in love with her, and Im in extreme pain.", "answerText": "Love doesn't hurt.Your description of the relationship so far, is that you are feeling a lot of emotional pain, alongside a deep attraction for this woman.In some relationships, the benefit of what draws us together with someone, is being able to learn more about our own deep sense of who we are, what we value and care about.This sounds more descriptive of your relationship than that it is a loving one. Your descriptions are of the woman's life, parenting and relationship dilemmas, not about how much of an effort she is willing to make in her life so that the two of you are able to be together for the long term.Try distinguishing your wishes to be loved by this woman with what actually is taking place in everyday life.Being aware of how much love you'd like to give and receive, is valuable self-knowledge.Your ongoing emotional wear and tear of all decisions about the relationship that affect you, being the result of the woman's choices, sounds like the opposite of love.The relationship is very useful as an access in self-understanding of your needs and wishes. It sounds like this is its main value in your life, not that it is sustainable in reality.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I got involved with my best friend who is married but has been very unhappy for the last five years. We both fell in love and have been together for eight months. He left the house and filed for divorce. He decided to tell her about our relationship, and she is willing to forgive and work on things. This shook him. They have two kids together. He decided to put the divorce on hold. He left town for a month to get clarity on the situation and see a therapist.", "answerText": "Hi Miami, I feel your sadness; you might have planned a future with your best friend. We live in a world where we are constantly exposed and connected to people who intrigue us and to whom we might feel a connection. I believe that our ability to protect our relationships from the risks involved here has not developed fast enough.Your friend came face to face with what leaving the marriage meant...huge changes and many intense emotions. He is wise to consider his choices carefully; especially if you have children, there is good reason to work at a relationship that is less than fulfilling. Therapy can help.So you fell in love with a man who was in an unstable place. He's taking the steps to create some stability for himself and that leaves you \"on hold\", not knowing what his decision will be. I love that you seem willing to give him the space he needs to figure it all out. This decision is his.For yourself, you can accept that being \"best friends\" with a man might not be a wise thing. Many marriages don't fair well when friendships like that exist. You flirted with danger; both of you. You fell in love but he wasn't free, really. I'm sure his love for you is real and powerful, but it's not a competition. It's one man choosing his life path. You can focus on thoughts like this:He has the right to choose his life.We flirted with danger by being best friends.I know he does love me; this is not a reflection on my worth.I can feel really good about giving him patience and the space he needs.I feel proud of his honesty.I feel proud if he's willing to fight for his marriage; lucky her...lucky kids.Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel that sadness, that grief. It's real.If you have told anyone about the affair, seek the support of that trusted person and know you have to grieve this in silence because it was born in silence. I wish you well, and for the record, I'm proud of the maturity you show in this situation. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been dating my boyfriend for a month, and we want a baby. We don't work or drive, and we haven't talked to our parents. What should we do?", "answerText": "Hi Athens, When a teenager wants to have a baby, it's usually for a specific, and not healthy, reason. Do you maybe hope that a baby will cement your relationship? It doesn't work that way. Do you yearn for a person who will love you deeply? Babies don't give to us; we give endlessly to them. I urge you to talk to someone you trust about why you want to speed up your life by being a parent before you are fully grown emotionally. A relationship that is one month old is not stable enough to support a change like this. You're only starting to get to know each other. I wish you well and hope you talk to someone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was hanging out with my close guy friend. We started kissing, but afterwards, he said that we should just stay friends because he doesn't want to ruin anything. We both just got out of relationships. His was very sexual. I'm not a sexual person, and he knows that. I want to be with him, but I'm not ready for another relationship, and I don't know if he ever will want to be more than friends.", "answerText": "Given that both you and your friend recently ended your respective romantic relationships, kissing each other sounds like each of you satisfied a very natural need which for right now does not has a natural source of satisfaction.Suddenly being without a partner is difficult because a relationship absorbs and offers much of a person's energy.Stay focused on what you know about yourself, which is that you're not ready for another relationship.From what you describe about your friend, similar to you, he does not feel ready for a new relationship.If and when you feel ready to enter a new relationship and your friend seems attractive, then you'll be in a position to find out, either by approaching your friend as a potential partner, or by asking your question of his interest in you.Who knows?It is possible your friend will feel ready for a new relationship, approach you, and depending on your personal wishes to be or not be with who he has become, accept his offer.Good luck with Step One, becoming familiar with your new state of single hood, and sorting through the good news and bad news of your most recent relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My partner seems to always get depressed over the fact that his kids have to see and go through the divorce process. Its especially when the mother of his kids keeps making him feel bad and using the kids as an excuse to get back at him. I feel like just telling him to go back with his family and forget about me.", "answerText": "Hold on, Sanger! You know, I meet with a lot of people who are so sick of the crap that their ex puts them through in the divorce process that yes, they wonder if it's best to go back. I don't think so.If your ex is using the children to manipulate, or is generally controlling the separation process, that's confirmation that getting out was the right decision.Your partner feels powerless to change the current situation. Of course he does, because there are many things that are beyond his control (his ex's behaviours, for one). Accept the powerlessness. Lean into it. It's okay, because there are many things he does have power over, and that's where he can focus.He has the power to give his children a happy dad. That's HUGE. That's why he left, I'd guess. I bet the main barrier to him being happy is the guilt he feels. That's his ex's voice...that's what she wants him to feel...to give into that is letting her win. Ending a marriage in order to be happy is his right. He has not intentionally harmed his children. Hopefully he's aware that the separation has affected them and he's working to create peace and balance in their lives, but he's can let go of the shame she wants him to feel; it's crippling him.He has the power to separate emotionally from his ex. He's not doing that when he lets her words control his emotions. He's still reacting to her. He hasn't completely left yet.A good therapist can help your partner regulate his emotions, combat shame, create emotional distance from his ex and erect proper boundaries. He needs your support in moving forwards, not going backwards. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend broke up with me five months ago because I said awful things to her one night for no reason of hers. I have been trying to get her back, but it isnt easy. She is in her 50s and I am in my 40s. She is the one I want for my life, and this is killing me. Every day, I cry, and I am desperate for help.", "answerText": "New York, what would it mean about you if you got her back? Is that the only way you can like or forgive yourself...if she forgives you and takes you back? Your self respect doesn't need to rely on this working with her. She simply doesn't want to be with you, and every day that you refuse to honour her decision is another day that you hurt her all over again. Move on and heal, perhaps with the help of a therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a female freshman in high school, and this question is for my male best friend. At the start of freshman year, we dated for about a week before his parents ended it because they said he is too young to date. He has been dating a really sweet senior girl for a month or two. I have nothing against her except for the fact that she has Tim's heart. He is convinced that they are in love, and maybe they are, but I don't really believe him. Lately, Tim had been expressing concern about what is going to happen when Sally leaves for college at the end of term this year. He's been asking me to help him with Sally and what girls like to show her how much he loves her. But he's also been thinking about breaking up with her just so they won't have to deal with it when she leaves. He seems really torn up about it, and I want to know what to say to him and how to help him once she leaves. He knows that I still crush on him. He doesn't rub it in my face. He's a good guy, but I want to actually help him out and recover before we think about maybe another relationship between us. How do I do that when the time comes? How do I support him and show him that I'm here without wanting to hook up? How do I make him feel better? He is convinced he's never going to be able to love anyone ever again, which I think is ridiculous.", "answerText": "First off, I think it is great that you are willing and able to help out your friend with issues regarding his current relationship, despite the fact that you have feelings for him. I think that the best thing you can do is let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk about things. You can also help by presenting options that he has and help him weigh out the pros and cons of his decision, but ultimately he has to decide what to do. Know that you won't be able to heal the pain he feels when his girlfriend leaves but you can be a friend to him by simply listening, validating his feelings,and understanding. Regarding your question about being there for him without wanting to hook up....I'm not sure if that is possible. If you care for him on more than a friendship level, then that desire will likey be there for you no matter what. Be careful that you take care of yourself and don't jeopardize your own happiness while trying to help him with his issues. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year. Back in August, he asked for us to step back for now. Since then, he has still been in contact with me every day. We spent some time together over the holidays, but then I was gone for New Years with family. I came to find out that he put himself on a dating site. When I found out, I asked him about it, and he responded with this: My apologies if I got my signals crossed, or if I wasnt honest with you. You have helped me tons this past year and I am glad you are in my life. I didnt realize you were still interested in dating. Again, my apologies. Also, is it better to say that I want him in my life or that I want him as part of my life?", "answerText": "It sounds like there is a bit of confusion regarding how you two feel about each other. Do you know what type of relationship you want with him? A friendship only,casual dating,or an exclusive relationship? I would encourage you to first figure that out and then communicate to him how you are feeling. Ask him to be honest with you about how he feels and what he wants from your relationship as well. Be mentally preparedfor a variety of responses from himso that there are no major surprises.By clearing the air and learning what your own and each other's desires are, you can then move forward with a plan. Without that clarification, there will likely be false assumptions, unanswered questions, and confusion."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together numerous times in the past two years. We recently just broke up again last night on New Years Eve. When we break up, the very next day, she calls me and acts as if nothing has happened. She acts like everything is alright. This has been going on for two years. I do love her and care about her and her children a lot, but she seems really demanding as far as what she deserves from a man. She is always telling me that she deserves this and that from a man. It makes me feel like crap because I cannot give her everything that she wants. She told me one time that she wants a man who is going to be afraid to lose her. Is that a normal thing that women want, or should I just move on already? I am in my 30s and she is in her 40s.", "answerText": "Love is not enough to keep a relationship together.The people need to get along happily too.Let's start with knowing more about your happiness in being with your partner.The frequent break ups happen for a reason. Try understanding more of why you go back together again.You state a few very clear reasons to not continue this relationship, such as \"feeling like crap\" and not liking that your girlfriend hopes her partner will feel afraid to leave her.Trust your intuition telling you that these feelings matter.Sometimes men aren't sure whether following their instinct is a right action to take.It is.Also, hoping a partner will fear losing them, shows a wish to control a person.Control has nothing to do with love and trust, and these are basics of a relationship.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I broke up with him three weeks ago because I felt that he needed to be more respectful. He has since had a rebound relationship. He says he loves and misses me but refuses to see me. He says it's going to be too difficult to see me. Every time we talk, it feels like I'm being pushy to see him. He used to be so madly in love with me, but now, it seems like he couldnt care less. I think I'm running him away.", "answerText": "Hi Kansas,I think your first instinct was good; you broke up with him. You deserve respect, but right now you're not acting as if you deserve it when you push to see him as he's moving on with a new relationship. It's appropriate now for you to respect that relationship and listen to what he says he wants, which is space.Do you think he's going to be any different with her? This a common, unfounded fear we have.I wonder if maybe you miss the feeling of being in love and having a partner more than you miss him. Thebottomline is you can't make someone love you, and you can't make someone be loving towards you, because how someone treats you (and the choices they make) has everything to do with who they are, and nothing to do with who you are. I hope you gather support from others and move on in hope and strength for your own future."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm an early 20 something year-old virgin, and my boyfriend is in his early 20s with kids. He's cheated on me twice: once in the beginning and then four months ago. He wasn't use to dating a virgin and broke up with me three times because he wasn't sure. We both work at the same job (where we met) and its with the girl that works with us. I've been trying to get over it, but now my confidence and self-esteem are low, and sometimes I feel like hell do it again or that he's not ready to be with me. I think about it all over again when I see her. He says he's in love with me, and with the last time he cheated, it didn't feel right, and that's when he knew he had to stop because his feelings were for me. He's contacted her and told her he will not communicate with her because he's in a relationship with me. How do I gain confidence? Should I let him go? If I let him go, I don't want to be sad about it being that we work together. I try to tell myself I'm beautiful every day, and I think I am a pretty attractive female with a great personality, but I don't like the fact that she works there.", "answerText": "Sorry to hear about all the stress in the relationship.You're on the right track by knowing and sticking with your own standards of what qualifies as acceptable behavior by your boyfriend.Since he was the one who broke your trust, he is one in the position of earning back your trust.This is always a basic formula for couple's therapy in which there has been infidelity.Understand within yourself whether you'd like being with your boyfriend and what you'd like him to do so that you start feeling more secure in the relationship.If yes, then tell him what you now know about yourself as partner in the relationship.For example, some people who are getting over being cheated on, would like knowing details about the affair person, some people want to see the phone of the one who cheated.Recuperating after a cheating incident takes many months.If he tells you he'd like earning back your trust, give him some time to see if there is progress in this area.As results unfold, you will feel clearer on the direction your relationship is naturally taking.About the girl at work, she will feel less meaningful to you as you work together with your boyfriend on securing the relationship.She has her greatest meaning right now because you are at the beginning stage of knowing what direction to take.As you go along this road, more than likely, you'll be more at ease in naturally finding a way of relating to her that feels ok to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I find that I imagine things sexually, and I hate it because it puts strain on my relationship. I feel helpless and guilty. I want it to go away, and I want to make my woman happy again.", "answerText": "It is completely understandable that you would like to find a way to make these intrusive thoughts go away, however, your feeling that you can't control having these thoughts is accurate. It's also understandable that you would feel helpless and guilty, given that you see how these thoughts are effecting your relationship, though I would encourage you to go easy on yourself and remember that you aren't choosing to have these thoughts. I'm sure that if there was a switch to turn them off, you would flip it.There is no magic technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away, however, therapy may still have a lot to offer. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into where these thoughts are coming from and develop new ways of relating to them so that they do not leave you feeling as helpless and guilty and can be more present with your partner. Though there is no guarantee that the thoughts will go away, this may also be a result of work with a therapist. Either way, you may be able to find a way to deal with the thoughts and show up in your relationship in a way that will be satisfying to you and your partner."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend moved in with me a few months ago. I love him, but his dog is wrecking my house. Every day we get home, there is a huge mess on the floor, and several things will be ripped up (including the couch). He's slowly eating all of the doors, and there will be food and poop everywhere. Even though I come home during all of my breaks to take him out, he still poops and pees in the house every chance. I can't financially afford to have the dog wrecking my house. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about the dog to try and come up with a solution, but it never ends well. The dog is the only thing we fight about because I want him out of the house and my boyfriend doesn't want to see him go. Its not the dog fault though; I understand that. The dog is only a year old, and he isn't a bad dog. He's just too big of a dog for where he is; he should be a farm dog instead of a town dog. I don't hate the dog, but I just can't afford to continue having my house torn to pieces.", "answerText": "Every living creature needs time and support to adjust to a new situation.The dog is in a new place without the ability to understand the reason. This may explain what sounds like the dog's agitation. Have you spoken with your boyfriend on his opinion on how to address the dog behavior problems?Finding an answer together would be a good way of making your relationship stronger. Alot of being a couple who live together is talking, listening and deciding together on how to handle major situations.If it is affordable, then a dog behaviorist may be of great help. The person would guide you in working with the dog to become calmer."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do.", "answerText": "It is extremely frustrating when our significant other doesn't understand our points of view. Often times, arguments are not the best opportunities to try and make a point, as strong emotions can get in the way of understanding others' perspectives.Try having a discussion with him about what is bothering you during a time when neither if you are upset or arguing. Communicate how you feel without placing blame and without yelling. Addionally, give him ideas of what he can do differently so that he understands what your expectations are. Lastly, consider seeing a couple's therapist who can assist with teaching more effective communication techniques. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do.", "answerText": "Hi Moore, Underneath all your anger is a lot of hurt. The hurt is there because you are being disrespected. Your boyfriend (unless you've only told me a small, disproportionate part of the bigger picture) doesn't tend to treat you like you're important and he dismisses your emotions. This is happening because this is the level of ability (disability?) he has right now in a relationship. You can expect more of this behaviour (because that's who he is; it has nothing to do with you), and I hope you think carefully about whether it's working for you to be in this.You could try telling him that you are hurt, because people tend to listen more to hurt than to anger, but my guess is with him it might not make a difference. I hope you talk to someone who knows and supports you about how you're feeling in this relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My fianc doesn't think I trust him because I was cheated on before. However, he hides his phone and has been texting his ex-girlfriend, who he has two kids with. What should I do?", "answerText": "Oh Chino, I only have half the picture here so I will be cautious. There's a chicken and an egg, and I don't know which came first. One thing I see clearly is that your fiance will always have to have communications with his ex, because they have children. Can you accept that?When suspicion and insecurity come along, your job is to look at the big picture and the real picture. Is there any real evidence that he is cheating? Remember that texting his ex is not evidence alone if the communications are about the kids. Has he earned your trust? If so, then it's not fair to punish him for the betrayals of others. He's not your ex. Reassure your heart that you are his priority if the larger evidence supports that.At the same time, you can let him know what your triggers are. For example, hiding his phone doesn't send you a good message, right?See, this is the chicken and the egg...is he hiding the phone because you've been overreacting when he gets a text? So let him know you won't blow up about him getting a text if he doesn'tconceal or password his phone. Transparency helps build trust. You have sensitivities, and it helps you a lot if he's aware of them and willing to try not to do things that trigger fear.Let him know when you get scared, and hopefully he'll give you the openness and security you need in order to trust him and act as if you trust him. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My long-distance girlfriend is in a sorority, and it's changing her. I feel like I'm becoming less important to her and it hurts. She just wants me to support the sorority, but it's so hard. I try every day to show her she's the most important thing to me, but she can't even stay relatively sober at a fraternity party for me so that I won't worry about her doing anything regretful. We love each other, but we're in a rough patch.", "answerText": "You may already be doing as much as possible for your relationship.Each of you are 50% of the relationship.Is the 50% which your GF contributes to your relationship, based on the same understanding of the couple's problem, as you have?Maybe a good starting place for the two of you to talk about is defining what problem the two of you have as a couple.This way, each of you will be able to know if you have similar values and definitions of your reasons for being together.Depending on what you each expect from your partnership, you each will clearly know whether, and then how, to accommodate the other person.These discussions stir a lot of emotions in each person, so that sometimes staying clear minded becomes very difficult. You both will likely feel like talking about these matters more than one time.Consider utilizing a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist who would help the two of you stay on track with examine your emotional connections in a fair and safe way.Good luck with understanding and appreciating your relationship!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every once and a while, I think about my ex-boyfriend from four years ago, and my current friend. Its like I can't get past it, and I need some kind of closure. I keep thinking about how we had something, but it got cut off due to parental intervention. Nothing was ever wrong with it. Now we've become friends, but there's this huge sexual tension between us, or at least I feel it when we're physically in the same place. Two summers ago, we saw each other casually for a while, but we never had sex then or while we were dating, which was only for two months three years ago. I'm now in my 20s, and my current boyfriend is amazing and in his 30s. Despite the age difference, I know we're a really good match. We've never really fought and are able to make compromises and talk everything out. I tell him everything. Also, my ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend now as well. Hes been seeing her on and off for the past two and a half years, besides when they broke up and we had our casual thing. That summer, I told him I didn't want anything serious and broke it off. Only a week later, he had gotten back together with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is kind of mean spirited. I'm sure she may be different around him, but I worry about him committing to her in the long run. They're supposed to move in together soon. But still, I feel this connection with my ex-boyfriend, and I feel like he does too. I don't know what to do. I need some closure or I'm not going to be able to move on from this. I don't know what it is, but it's driving me crazy. Im so happy with my current boyfriend, and I know he will do everything in his power to make my life beautiful and fulfilling. Hes such a good person. I also know my ex-boyfriend smokes marijuana and does other things, but I can't get it out of my head. I'm trying to take a nap right now between classes, but I can't sleep because my mind is racing. I've never been so hung up on something for this long ever. I want to just talk it out with my ex-boyfriend, but I don't know if that's a good idea because of the possibility that it could blow up in my face. If he told his girlfriend, everything could go wrong because she hates me. If my current boyfriend knew, he would be crushed. On one hand, I want my ex-boyfriend to say no to having feelings for me, but I would be terrified of what to do if he said he has feelings too. Where would I go from there? On the other hand, I feel like I can't move forward in my relationship with my current boyfriend without closure from this. Sometimes I wish I could just cut off everything that had to do with my ex, but I don't want to. Please help me, because I really have no idea what to do.", "answerText": "If you're in a relationship and you're having strong thoughts about someone else, it's important to pay attention to that. Although you say you're happy, I'd suggest looking really carefully at the relationship you have and whether you're getting everything you need. Is there a physical connection with your ex that you don't have with your current boyfriend? It could be that your boyfriend is marvelous in many areas, but that you just don't feel excited about him for some reason. That's a pretty important element to be missing.It may be that, even if you are happy with your current boyfriend, you still hold something special for your ex. If you feel the need to see what is possible there, I think you have to tell your boyfriend about that and end it with him first. You can't have everything.If you truly feel that you want to be with your current boyfriend, you will do well to stop thinking about and focusing on your ex, because thoughts of him will interfere with the growth of your current relationship. The grass isn't greener... A therapist can help you to focus your energies and thoughts on the present, rather than an imagined version of the past or future."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain.", "answerText": "Ouch. Losing someone you love hurts so much. We all long to be loved and to love and to have that experience and then lose it is awful. While it is easy to feel angry or start doubting yourself under these circumstances, I would encourage you to recognize the agony of what you are experiencing as an indication of how much you value loving relationships and how much you want to make this happen in your life. When we are going through this kind of loss it is really helpful to have the support of friends and family. While no one is going to be able to make it better, we don't have to be alone with our pain. If you are not comfortable with going to those in your life it may be a good time to see a counsellor to help you cope with your distress and learn how to move past this and find the love that you are looking for."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain.", "answerText": "Hi, San Diego.I'm sad that this was your first experience (in 25 years) with feeling in love. You deserve better. My understanding of today's (western?) social cultural norms is that it is somehow acceptable to abruptly stop communicating with someone you've been seeing, without explanation. I don't get it. It's rude. You're better off without this person around. There are still people who operate with respect, but this person isn't one of them.If I'm reading this right, you knew this person for a week? In my humble opinion, much heartache and many poorrelationships come from attaching too soon. It takes years to get to know someone deeply. I know it's hard to keep yourself from falling in love, but you owe it to your heart to take these things more slowly, because everyone puts their best self forward at the beginning and it takes time for that to relax and for you to see who they are when times are tougher and real stuff happens.If I was your therapist, I'd be curious about how this is the first time you've fallen in love? Or is it that you were in love 25 years ago? Was your heart broken then, or did something encourage your heart to close? What has kept you from either meeting people or letting yourself fall in love until now? Is there a danger that you will decide love isn't worth the risk? This is a crucial time for you to potentially seek professional support from a therapist in order to understand yourself and not shut down, if that's what happened before. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him \"again.\" I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.", "answerText": "I'm truly sorry to hear that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time.When we are in relationships, trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship. Often, when we feel we are required to prove ourselves, feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive. In situations like this, I often recommend being open and honest in your communication with your partner. Your fears about his response are valid, as he made an assumption which you cannot disprove because you cannot battle against a shadow fact.If you feel comfortable doing so, you can always ask him why he is so concerned you are unable to remain faithful and challenge those beliefs with the facts that disclaim them. You can also ask your partner what it is that he needs from you to help you to help him trust in your responses. In the end, these are issues that you cannot conquer for him - you can only guide him and show him the path towards trust. You may suggest couples counselling or that he seek out a professional to talk to, as well. But in terms of your question, only you can decide whether you feel you can remain in a relationship in which you defend yourself against an uncommitted offense."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him \"again.\" I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.", "answerText": "Trust is essential in romantic relationships and it is common to have trust issues - because the stakes are so high. If both of you are committed and willing to be fully honest with each other, trust can be repaired and become stronger than ever. I would encourage you to seek out professional help as it easy to get derailed by fear when trying to work things out in the absence of trust. When fear takes over - we tend to become defensive and act in ways that makes it harder to trust one another. In addition to getting professional support I would encourage you to learn more about building trust in relationships and deepening connection through accessing various online resources on relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend, will not stop harassing and stalking me. We work together. I honestly think he needs help to move on. His accusations are angry lies. But I think he may believe them to be true.", "answerText": "The specific laws about this will vary from state to state. Generally, the only way to \"force\" someone to get mental health care is if they pose an imminent theft of harm to themself or someone else, or if they are unable to care for themself. More importantly, is dealing with your safety. Most states have laws that make stalking a crime. You might want to think about filing a police report and obtaining a restraining order against him. You could also think about contacting a local counselor. While you can't force him to get help with moving on from the relationship, counseling could help you to deal with what is going on."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My boyfriend says I'm nuts. I need to get help because I get an overwhelming feeling that he is cheating on me. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he always turns it around on me by telling me what I'm doing wrong. I know that accusing him does not help. When his whole demeanor shifts towards me, I can't help but think that something is wrong. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I try to talk with him to make it better. I let him know when I am feeling down. But I am not confident in these things. Two weeks ago a girl texted his phone 3 times trying to hook up with him. He texted her back with \"Sorry, I've been working. I just read your message.\" The girl was trying to get him to call her at a time when he was at home with me. He texted her back with \"Don't text me anymore.\" I don't feel like I am way out of the line. But I can't talk with him if all that he will say is that I'm crazy and I need help. What should I do? How will I go about checking if there really is something wrong with me?", "answerText": "Trust your intuition that your boyfriend is involved with other people.You gave examples which strongly suggest this.Quite commonly, a person twist someone's words to convince then of having problems in seeing or understanding their own and other's behavior.Your intuition is again working quite well in telling you that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you, not that you're seeing things incorrectly.One way to check if you're totally misreading him, is to examine whether you feel similarly in other relationships.If no one else who knows you tells you that you're crazy, then this strongly points to your boyfriend twisting words so that you feel wrong.Also, a consult with a therapist would clarify the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.A therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion, what to do with your newfound clarity!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I want us all to get along, but feel that I am not being respected. Of course I do have some insecurities because he was with his ex for 8 years. He wants to see his step daughter and ex makes it so he has to go there to see her, but she doesn't want me around. She has a boyfriend, but mine fixes their vehicles, goes over once a week and hangs out with the ex and does family things with her. Since he works nights, I only see him parts of Friday-Sunday and we live together. He won't let me use his phone when I forgot mine, says his ex used to mess with it. I don't think he's cheating, but he will lie about what time he actually left her place to come home or about going over early to be with them. I feel like the other woman. She has tried to mess with holiday plans by restricting when he can see the child. He only dated once person before her, so this could be why. I don't feel he has let go enough. He is a wonderful boyfriend other than this.", "answerText": "How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him?The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship.The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner.There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex.Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily.A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.", "answerText": "Your partners obviously very confused when it comes to love. Sometimes people shy away from good and positive relationships and companionship because their afraid. They know that it's something worth holding on to but most feel they can't handle it and can't meet up to their partners expectations. Your partner loves you but must have fear that keeps standing in his way. It could also mean their afraid of getting hurt or disapointed in the long run. Give your partner comfort and reassurance that they can come to you to confide in you about anything that may be bothering them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.", "answerText": "Yes, I agree with your view about the \"rollercoaster\" sounding \"crazy\"!Concentrate on knowing what your reasons are for staying with this guy, given the broad facts that you state.What are you gaining from being together and are these gains outweighing how you feel when your companion says the opposite of what he just told you?Also, examine yourself for any fears of being alone.Very often, people stay in detrimental relationships because of a fear that being alone will feel worse.It may, initially feel this way after a breakup.This is from change itself.Eventually, stability and peace of mind return, and being alone with oneself is preferred to being taken on an emotional rollercoaster by a partner."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been with my best friend for over a year, and we have had a beautiful baby girl. We were in love, and I still love her dearly. I am in my late teens and so is she. She says she has lost her connection with me. She is talking to a random guy that she says is just someone to talk to. But she says she still loves me. I'm very hurt and confused.", "answerText": "Congrats on having your daughter!Have you told your partner about your feelings of \"hurt and confused\"?This is one possible way of opening a conversation about the different ways you each feel about one another and whether either of you would like changing or continuing to live together, in light of the change in emotional connection.The first step of having a dialogue about a relationship is being clear on what you are feeling, what you are willing to contribute to the relationship and what you would like having in return from your partner.Ask your partner if she is willing to have a conversation on these topics. Then, allow some time so each of you is clear about their own expectations and what is possible to offer the other.This is a fairly complex process and very often is difficult to keep on track without outside help to keep the discussion focused.It is normal for emotions to override our logic when discussing matters we care about deeply.If the conversations don't go very far, or if your partner has no interest in talking, stick with your own interest to more fully understand matters.Interview some therapists to find one whom you feel helps you clarify and find direction for yourself about this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Why am I attracted to older men?", "answerText": "What a wonderful question!Good for you on clearly knowing your priorities.If I was sitting with you now, I'd ask you to list your reasons.Start with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little further.If, for example, you feel you need a man because many of your friends are in relationships, then possibly you feel insecure about being your unique self, even when this sets you apart from your friends.If, you feel you need a man to protect you financially, then possibly you've lost faith in your ability to financially support yourself.If you'd like a man in your life to offer your love and are willing to contribute the work of relating intimately, then you've found the best reason for wanting a man in your life.This is far different than \"need\"."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?", "answerText": "What Makes Love Last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal by John Gottman is a great book for you both to start reading. You may also want to invest some time and energy in couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lack of trust in your relationship, likely a hangover from your beginnings, that would be helpful for you both to work through to truly be able to forgive and move forward."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?", "answerText": "I'm sorry for the stress and unhappiness stemming the problem you describe.Trust your instinct that there is more complexity to feeling good about being in a partnership than simply wanting this to happen.In any relationship, the complexities of each person combine. Often people accept when this feels good and are lost as to what to do when natural human complexity, doesn't match up with our partner in the way we'd like.A couples' therapist would be able to help each of you talk about the factors motivating the cheating, as well as clarify the reasons you each have for continuing to stay together.The unique advantage of couple's therapy is that each person is able to hear their partner talk out loud about themselves and their partner.This is sometimes enormously helpful since our inner thoughts are often hidden yet very dominant in how we direct ourselves in relationships.Sometimes the initial consult session offers enough new understanding that a second session wouldn't be necessary for a while.Good luck in finding your relationship happiness!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?", "answerText": "Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?", "answerText": "My first question for you would be to see if you've talked with her about it yet? You mentioned you found out....and I know this can be so painful. It can also be frightening to bring up the experience when it hurts a lot, when you feel so unsettled as you mention. But you can look at this as a vital and important piece of information about what's happening in your relationship, and an invitation to get really honest and genuine with each other.You have a long history, being together 9 years, and a son, so you are very bonded no matter what changes happen in your relationship. It may be incredibly helpful to find a counselor you can both go talk with. Having a third party who is neutral and cares about your process and hers can be such a relief when you need to discuss things you feel scared about. Even just a few sessions can make a huge difference.If this doesn't feel possible for you right now.....ask your fiancee for time to set aside for a meaningful heart-to-heart talk. Say you'd like to set it up on the calendar, and make sure you have a babysitter for your son. Set aside at least 4 hours. Let her know that you'd like to hear her honest truth about what's going on, and share with her your truth as well. It's not a time for criticizing or condemning, and I don't sense that is your intention at all--you have a great deal of love for her. Speaking honestly and listening openly is an amazing gift, both for yourself and for your partner. You can do it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We went out had great sex and I was really liking her. Then one day she says we should just be friends, but I can't stop thinking about her. She's always on mind and I want her back.", "answerText": "It can be really difficult when someone you care about doesn't feel the same about you. The most important thing to remember is that you can not make her feel a certain way. There is nothing you can do to force her to want to be in a relationship with you.In the end, if she \"just wants to be friends\" then she's probably not the right match for you.Remember, every relationship ends - until that last one that doesn't. And that is how it's supposed to be"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know someone who is extremely sensitive to stress and very sensitive to a negative tone of voice. Sometimes during a disagreement he tells me that my communication is having a harmful impact on him. Once he believes I am being negative I can't seem to find a better way of communicating. In fact, it is often a self fulling prophesy because his accusatory manner becomes unbearably frustrating. What advice might you offer?", "answerText": "With any type of criticism, it is usually best to introduce the topic at a neutral time, ie: when both of you are relaxed, with no current stressors involved, having fun, etc. Begin with a non-judgmental reflective comment about a recent bothersome event, as if it were just then crossing your mind (therefore not something you've been consumed with ruminating over - eases the impulse for him to dive straight into defense mode).Then share how you felt at the time of the event. Just say when.... I felt kind of hurt / shocked (or whatever the feeling was). PERIOD. THATS ALL YOU SHOULD SAY. Wait for him to respond to your matter-of-fact statement.No matter what his response is, stick to your same message - don't get overwhelmed by trying to rephrase or explain your view as that will likely set you up for continued arguing. You can even add, \"I agree I could have misunderstood it (event).... I just know it made me feel uneasy.\"Here you give him little wiggle room for a debate.Good luck & I'd love to hear how it goes!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.", "answerText": "As a relationship therapist I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another and almost always find that the origin of these feelings point back towards childhood.How did you caregivers express (or not express) love towards you? How did they express (or not express) love towards one another. These early messages become your template for how you have learned to see yourself and what you expect from others.In his bookWired for Love,Stan Tatkin, PsyD writesWe learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people. This could be very fruitful to explore in individual therapy with a relationship therapist who really gets it, you may have to interview a few to find the right fit; that's OK. Maybe you'd even want to read that book I linked above. :) Noticing thispatternis HUGE, it's where transformation begins. And now that you have be kind with yourself, it begins there too."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you are feeling uncared for. I'm sure there are plenty of people that care and love for you that you are not taking into consideration. Sometimes when we get upset we may think irrationally and see the world as all or nothing. However, take a deep breath, relax and start focusing on the positive relationships you have with others, regardless of how small or insignificant they may seem. I think you will quickly realize there are people out there that care a great deal about you.I also think it would help for you to surround yourself among people who you can identify with and share common interests with. Maybe you can attend a religious service, join an interest group (i.e. reading club, sports group, etc.) or start a group of your own. Most importantly, you need to tap into your interests and surround yourself with things that are beneficial for your own mental and physical health. From this, relationships will start to immerse.You may also like to talk with a therapist regarding your feelings of being unloved. This is an unhealthy way to think of yourself and I think with a little help, you can see that you are more than deserving of a great relationship.Thanks for reaching out and I wish you the best of luck moving forward."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.", "answerText": "What would make you feel no one wants to be with you?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He goes out with her to dinner/brunch/movies when we are not together (we live 2 hours apart).", "answerText": "Would you have the same desire to meet this friend if she were a he? If you are concerned that their friendship is a substitute for you when you aren't present,talk to him. It sounds like you are concerned that he is building an emotional intimacy with her and spending time doing the sort of things with her that you'd otherwise be doing with him. Help him understand why this bothers you but try to also be open to allowing him to make friends. Is the issue that he hasn't introduced you? Is there another reason you don't trust their friendship?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We kissed and he grabbed my boobs and we exchanged some texts and a few calls. It went on for about 8 months. Just when we were all together and our spouses were out of the room. Once I met him for lunch to tell him that we needed to stop. We ended up kissing after lunch and then I sent him a few more texts that day telling him I was serious and that was the end of it. His wife (my good friend) saw us kiss once and told my husband. I told him a couple of things then and we got over it. A year later she told him a couple of other things. Same story. It's been about 3 years since. They are now divorced and my husband and I have been happy. A few weeks ago the wife called me and said that her now ex told her more stuff we did. I decided to just tell my husband everything. We are trying to work things out. But he is having a really hard time believing that he knows all of it. How can I help him believe me?", "answerText": "The issue at hand here is that you're betrayal broke his trust. In order to repair your relationship you will both need toconfront the infidelity. And both of you will need to honor yourselves by communicating your feelings and ensuring that those feelings are heard and validated. It would be really helpful to do this work with a Gottman or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. Gottman's The Science of Trust and What Makes Love Last would both be helpful reference books to guide you along."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He is in his late thirties and I am in my mid twenties. We have been together for about 5 months. I really like him. He says he cares about me and is willing to fight to make things right. He has been very apologetic and expressed he did it out of fear. I don't know if it's worth giving him a second chance.", "answerText": "Cheating is often a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. His fear may be full of information. While it's possible to repair relationships after a betrayal it's also challenging to do, especially so early in your relationship. I can't tell you if you should/shouldn't give this relationship a second chance but I will tell you to tune into your own intuition (and follow your own fears in doing so, they often are incredibly informative when we don't push them away with denial)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "However, it seems as though he is really talking to someone other than himself. I have even accused him of having a secret phone. Is he trying to make me crazy on purpose, or is he really talking to himself?", "answerText": "Some people simply talk to themselves as a way of processing information. Have you checked in with your husband about this in a non-accusatory way? Something like \"Hey babe (or whatever sweet name you typically use), I'm so curious what that's all about? Do you notice that you are talking out loud?\" Chances are it's just how he thinks things through and is not at all about trying to make you crazy, it's just one of his quirks you'll grow to endear. Early married life is a time full of discovering one another's quirks!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep getting into relationships with men that are in bad situations. I take them on and help them and do all I can and the relationship still fails. How do I learn to not get in relationships with men in bad situations? I see someone in need of help, I jump in. And it is getting me nowhere. I am alone sad and frustrated.", "answerText": "Sounds like you already see what's amiss. You're looking for fix-er-uppers! When you meet these men they need you. And you're filled by fixing them. And when they are fixed, what do they have to give you? What's your need in relationship? What if you found someone who didn't need fixing?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My girlfriend's grandma passed away 5 months ago. They were very close. She took care of her till she died. Things kinda returned to normal few weeks later. Last month it feels like we hit a brick wall. Intimacy fell off. I asked what's up. She says she can't connect with anyone and that it's not me. She used to be very open and expressive. Now she gives short answers and has no interest in sex or any touching. When we did have sex in the last month, something felt really off. Now I'm very insecure about us and have thoughts of her cheating. She says otherwise, but I don't know. It just feels like something is really off.", "answerText": "Grief has a huge impact on us and everyone's reaction is different. The one common reaction however is to shut down and distance ourselves. Her relationship with her grandmother was close, given she took care of her up until she passed. It sounds like she is working through a difficult loss and her ability to connect with you, or anyone else, is likely low right now. Trust what she is telling you and try to be there for her as she works through it. If she finds it too difficult to connect again, a good grief counselor can help her get back on track."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm currently dating someone else and I really like him. But I love and miss my ex so much. What do I do?", "answerText": "Finding the right person is a tricky thing to do. Why did you and your ex break up 3 months ago? In relationships with others you get to see a reflection of yourself. Sometimes you may enjoy that reflection, other times it may not feel so good. I'm not sure where you are in your life and relationships and what you do from here depends on what you desire more of in your life. But I'm not simply talking in the moment desire, I'm referring to the direction you want your life to go. If one of these guys was to support you...who would help you reach your dreams? And who would you enjoy spending time with? It's complicated and no one can answer the 'what to do' question but you. Slow down. Tune into your heart. Listen."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We have been fighting a lot and have 3 kids but we both want to stay together. I need some help to save our family.", "answerText": "Hello, I do not live in the California area. However, perhaps I could make some suggestions as to where you might look for free counseling. First, I must mention that most insurances now cover for many different types of issues, including family issues. If your girlfriend lives with you, most insurances now cover \"live-in partners,\" as well. If you have insurance, contact your policy provider and ask whether or not couples counseling is included.Aside from insurance, the next place that comes to mind is a religious affiliation. Do you belong to a church or other religious organization? Many of the pastors or leaders in these disciplines have significant training in counseling, as well as assisting with marriage and couples counseling. These services are ordinarily offered free of charge to members.Another option might be to explore support groups within the area. There may be a group in the form of a couples support group that brings couples together to explore their relationships in the safety of the group. If you find there are no such groups in your area, there are anonymous, support groups online. Here is one such site:http://relationship.supportgroups.com/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I find myself lying about small everyday things that there is really no need to lie about. How do I figure out what triggers me to do this? And how do I help overcome this problem? I would like to become more honest and open no matter the situation.", "answerText": "Well let's start with the awesome realization you've already had, you want to notice that you have triggers. That's huge. Really.I find that when people lie, it's most often as a defense mechanism. Which is likely a flag that something doesn't feel safe. What exactly doesn't feel safe could be lots of different things but the key to notice is that it's that feeling of insecurity that is very likely triggering you.It could really help to explore this with therapist, perhaps even someone with a trauma specialty -- that's not to say this is related to a trauma but more so to suggest that therapists specializing in trauma are very skilled at helping to identify and assist in repatterning your triggers!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have dog obsession disorder and I am having problems with my girlfriend because I am placing more importance to my two dogs over her. How do I get over this problem and prioritize my girlfriend over my two dogs?", "answerText": "Hey, dogs are cool. They adore pleasing humans and often LOVE to work on learning what you want and expect from them.Your girlfriend on the other hand, likely has her own desires and needs that she attend to before tuning into yours. You are good with dogs, that tells me that you've spent some time observing their behavior. The first step in working through this issue would be similar, start to tune into and observe your girlfriend more often... Observation is a skill when it comes to relationship building. The skills you have mastered in relating with your dogs can carry over, you will just have to relearn what behaviors you are watching. And keep in mind that also means observing yourself in relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "He's been losing feelings and he doesn't know why. I love him very very much. He sometimes thinks I'm obsessed when I'm not at all. I give him his space and I make sure he's okay but sometimes I think if me and him saw each other more it would be better? I truly want me and him to get better, it's kind of hard not to stress about it, because the love of my life is losing feelings which is a sad feeling. He's a great guy! I just don't know why he's been losing feelings towards me. He's starting to put less effort in talking to me. At this point I'll do anything to just make us better as a couple. I tried talking to him but he doesn't like talking about it much. Advice on what to do?", "answerText": "I'm willing to bet that this isn't what you are hoping to hear, but I'd suggest giving him space. Ooph, that's a tough one, right?! I know. But here's the thing, when you keep trying to process and talk it out with him you keep pushing him away. He needs to feel like a solid and whole person (as you do too) to be able to be fully in your relationship. It's the work of being in relationship to learn this. I get that this is tough stuff. I wonder, outside of being with him, how do you soothe and calm yourself? That's the stuff for you to tune into and focus on right now."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "We do communicate but one of us has trouble accepting what the other person says. How can I fix things?", "answerText": "Being able to accept your partner's influence is a key relationship skill. And it's very two sided. Chances are if you don't feel your partner is being influenced by you, they likely don't feel you are being influenced by them either. The best fix you can practice is to soften yourself into your partner and see how much more open you can be to their influence. Play with it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I haven't uttered one word to my boyfriend in days. Now I'm over it and don't know how to approach the situation?", "answerText": "In any relationship, it is important to be able to say \"I'm sorry\" because it shows vulnerability and openness. I recommend that you sit and have a discussion with him now that you are calm about why you were upset and how you would like to handle such incidents in the future. If you find yourself becoming upset again, I encourage you to take a 20 minute break and then come back to the conversation once you are no longer heated. Studies show that talking or discussing arguments are more effective once you have cooled down and you are more likely to hear/understand what your partner is trying to convey."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been with a guy for 4 years, he's a great guy and we also have a son together. The problem is that I'm in love with a guy that I've been talking to for about 2 years but I've never met him in person. Honestly I'm bored with the relationship I have with the first guy and he makes want to go after the second guy, I don't know how to tell him that. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi there. Wow, this sounds like a sticky situation; however, Im here to help guide you through this decision.First and foremost, you must ask yourself, if you ever loved your sons father or was it a situation to where you two got pregnant and stayed together for the child. Its very common to stay with your partner when a child is involved regardless, if love is involved or not because its the right thing to do. Right? Well, not entirely. Although, staying with your partner because you have a child together may seem right, in fact, it hurts the child in the long run. If you are not love with your partner, you will show distance, unhappiness, sadness, possibility of frequent arguments and cheating. When a child grows up in the home and witnesses these types of emotions & behaviors it is unhealthy as he/she will expect their own relationships to be such. As a responsible adult, you are supposed to be there to shape and model the future for your child. Just remember, what you do, your child will model.Secondly, do not sell yourself short from love. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have someone to share their love and intimacy with. However, being in love with someone you have never seen before can be very risky. Honestly, that sounds like lust and the longing of love. Humans have needs and when people are unhappy in their current relationship, they often seek out what they need. If you decide to pursue the second relationship, I would suggest setting up an outing with a friend or two in order to get to know this person as there are a lot of scammers these days.Finally, I am not convinced that this has anything to do with choosing between two guys. This seems as if you are making a decision to end the relationship with your childs father or not. You should ask yourself, if you were in love with your childs father first off. If you were, you would have never sought after love. I hope this was helpful for you and I hope I was able to shed a different light on your situation. Take care of yourself!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been with this guy on and off for 8 years. At first, we used to do things together and our sex life was ok. Then things started to change, we'd break up and reconnect, and he cheated on me numerous times. We've also had two beautiful baby girls during this time. Now we argue and he says I am not affectionate at all or I don't know how to please a man, when I work part-time, take care of a 2 year old and a 5 month old and cook. Sometimes he cooks, but he also spends a lot of time on the internet. In addition, I have 2 boys and he has 1 son. I feel somewhere I have lost something. It's not that I dont care, I truly love this guy, but I'm just tired of being the one who is always being judged. Please, I am in need of a Christian counselor to help us because I really need to speak to someone.", "answerText": "I don't think youve lost something, I think youve found something - your breaking point, and it's about time. Your boyfriend seems to be a very selfish and immature man who reconnects with you when it's convenient for him. Obviously, he has his own issues, but I want to address yours. I agree you need to talk to someone. The fact that youve put up with his repeated cheating and then letting him blame you for it (by saying you're not affectionate enough, etc.), tells me you probably have low self-esteem and have likely told yourself over the years that you don't deserve any better. You do! You may truly love this guy, but based on his behaviors, he does not love you, not in the way you deserve. And although you may want to believe he can change, he has proved over and over again that he's not willing to, so you need to do what is best for you and your children. What would you tell your daughters if someone was treating them this way? Would you want your sons to treat women this way? That's what you're teaching your children when they see this.Like I said, I agree that you should talk to someone. You can ask your boyfriend to go too, but my guess is he won't. Even if he does, you should still see someone individually to work on YOU. I understand it's not easy to just kick him out, especially since you have children together, but a counselor can help you talk through all the details whilehelping you raise your self-esteem and self-worth."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Me and my girlfriend just broke up. She said she loves me but is not in love anymore. This came out of nowhere. We seemed so happy together. It all started when she went to Missouri to visit her family. The first week she was there she was fine then once she went to this one sisters house everything changed. That's when she told me she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I thought maybe it was just because she missed her family and she just wanted to be home because she told me that she could not leave them again. Then she told me to come to her in Missouri. So that's what I did. I quit my job I dropped everything, said goodbye to my family in Florida and drove 15 straight hours to be with her. Once I got there everything was fine again. She apologized for everything and said she didn't mean any of it then we were good for about a week. Then she went back to saying she didnt love me anymore and had no feelings for me. The only thing that really gets me and makes me not want to accept this is that now she is pregnant. This wasnt an accident. We were trying to get pregnant, so all this is hard to accept. I love her so much. I have never been bad to her. I've treated her the best I can. I wanted her to be my wife. I was going to propose to her when she got back. Now I'm losing my family and my mind. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "I am sorry to hear of these troubles. I see a few issues here. I wonder why you were both trying to get pregnant when the relationship seemed troubled? Some people think that they can fix a broken relationship by getting pregnant, and all this does is bring up more problems.You say you never treated her badly, and I believe you. People in a relationship can still be unhappy even when there is no abuse or mistreatment going on. In fact, giving too much of yourself to the relationship and not having a self outside of this relationship can be unhealthy. It takes two whole, healthy, happy people who are that way when they are single to come together to make a whole, healthy, happy couple in a relationship. Expecting your partner to meet all your needs or to provide your happiness is not going to work.There are two books that I recommend you buy and read. One is Codependent No More. The other is Can My Relationship Be Saved?Sometimes when you cling and try even harder to hold onto someone, it makes you both miserable. You cannot change her and cannot change her mind. Sometimes the best thing is to let go. If it is meant to be, you will end up back together again. It seems like this is something that she needs to decide since she is the one that keeps doing the leaving. I suggest backing off and letting her go. Maybe she needs time to clear her head and make up her mind. If it is meant to be, she will come back. If not, use this time to work on being a healthy happy you on your own."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "What most people don't know is that sexual preferences can be fluid, meaning our sexual orientation is not as fixed as most people believe. Women in particular tend to be more fluid in their desire to express and experience sex. It is not uncommon for heterosexual women in their mid-life to explore new sexual appetites. That said, men tend to be more rigid in their orientations particularly if they are hetero while gay men tend to be more fluid. So if your distress is over your new interests I would tell you, you are not alone and not abnormal. Since you have started exploring, enjoy and consider seeing a therapist to help you navigate your feelings around this new sexual life! Warm wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Sexuality is normally formed during adolescence. It would be extremely rare for someone to develop feelings of same-sex attraction later in life. I would explore whether the attraction you are experiencing is sexually-based or intimacy-based. Perhaps you are craving a close, emotionally intimate relationship with the same-sex, but have somehow sexualized that desire. People often short-cut emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy. This would be something to explore with a counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay. Sexual preference exists on a continuum. Over the course of many years a person's sexual preference may shift."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "During these encounters did you feel safe? accepted? Where you able to experience something new in your life?It is natural to feel attraction to all people. As young children we love everyone. It was as we got older that the social constructs had us make a \"choice\". It could have been that you were always attracted to the same sex, but now are allowing yourself to feel and explore. But also know that life is interesting as we grow and mature we find that we like things we never liked before, things we said we would never do now seem appealing.What is the story you are telling yourself about having these interests? Try to not overthink your attractions. See where they take you. You are on a journey to discover yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "There are many possible answers to your question.The best one will be the one you decide after reflecting on your own reasoning as to your sexual attraction change.Sometimes people inhibit their sexuality bc of fear others will disapprove. Currently since in most circles being gay is acceptable, the conditions are much easier now to come out.Maybe this describes you.How happy are you in your marriage?Sometimes people find it easier to discover a sudden change in their sexuality than to face painful emotions in an existing marriage.These are only two theoretical possibilities and may not even reflect your own.What matters is your self-discovery and that you trust your findings as the answer to your question."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.", "answerText": "I would ask you, \"do you feel like you need to come up with a label?\" Is there something about identifying as one or the other that would be helpful for you? From what current science has told us about sexual orientation, it's a spectrum. There are people on the spectrum who are clearly gay, or clearly heterosexual, and then there is everyone in between, which includes being \"bisexual\" (which I guess in the spectrum would be smack in the middle?)It may be too early for you to identify as any one thing on that spectrum (as you say, \"but I don't really know\"), or maybe as you move through life you just won't identify as any one thing, and that's totally okay. The most important thing, in my professional opinion, is to accept yourself, fully, for whatever it is that you are. The second most important thing, in my professional opinion too, is to be honest with yourself and your partners about however you do identify your sexual orientation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.", "answerText": "Sexual orientation is not always something that is clearly definable. Some people look at it on a continuum where being attracted to only boys is at one end, only girls is at the other, and bisexual is in the middle. Anywhere in between those points can be any amount of attraction to boys or girls.If you don't know whether you are gay or bisexual, that is okay. A lot of people don't know for quite some time. In addition to that, after people do know who they are attracted to, a lot of times they do not use the terms \"gay\" or \"bisexual\" for quite a while.It's okay not to know.Think about what sorts of expectations you have for your ideal relationship. Some examples may include trust, respect, availability for conversation or connection, etc. Whatever it is that you find important in a relationship is likely what matters most.If you are struggling with learning what it is that you would like in a relationship or any other feelings connected with what you are thinking and feeling, I would suggest connecting with a local therapist so you have a place to talk about what you are experiencing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What should I do when we see each other?", "answerText": "I am so sorry this happened. Sharing a part of your private life without your permission can be so painful. I might suggest (depending on your relationship) reaching out to your sister and discussing this (or setting boundary that you don't want to discuss your private life). I might also speak with your wife and share how hurt you are and what you need to happen moving forward to begin to heal."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What should I do when we see each other?", "answerText": "Echoing others here, I'm sorry, she shouldn't have. Hopefully, you will have a conversation (or, in reality, several conversations) about relationship expectations of privacy~ Are there things your wife would prefer you not share with her family? Without exploring what is or isn't okay through healthy dialog, it's entirely possible she felt her sister was 'in the circle' of people she could share this with. All that said, though ... now that you've been outed, you have an opportunity to be more authentically you: what will you do with it?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What should I do when we see each other?", "answerText": "I am so sorry that this happened. Nobody deserves to be outed without their permission. I would encourage you to get in touch with someone who is supportive and accepting and plan to touch base with them after you see your wife's sister. You can also plan to take some time for self care after you see her. For example, if you enjoy bike rides, plan on taking a bike ride afterward. Plan to do something that feels nurturing and caring. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.", "answerText": "Hi, as an affirming gender therapist I like to let people know that like sexuality, gender is a spectrum too. It's possible to look like a girl and feel more like a boy, just as it's possible to feel halfway between a boy and a girl, or anywhere else on a horizontal line with two points between it. Some people use different pronouns or words to express their gender and that's okay. It's up to you to find out what is most comfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.", "answerText": "If you're feeling like your gender is different than the gender you are born with, and there are many different terms to help describe that. Gender is actually looked at on a spectrum. Transgender is just one of those terms, but looking at the information here may help:http://www.transequality.org/about-transgender. I'm not saying that you should use the term transgender to describe yourself because that may not accurately describe what you are experiencing, but I'm just trying to point you to some more resources.As for what to say to someone who asks your gender, that becomes a question with a lot of different parts. This is probably something that would be best talked out with someone else who you trust. I don't know whether that is your family, friends, and mental health professional, and member of the clergy, or someone else. There are many different things than you could say and they are all related to how much you already to share with other people about how you feel regarding your gender.Generally, I would suggest it would be important to become comfortable with how you feel yourself and possibly tell some people whom you really trust first. Also consider that once you tell someone something, it's not possible to undo it, so if you tell someone, they may tell someone else. Then there is also the matter of people having very different reactions related to different genders and not everyone will be supportive. I hope that you are able to surround yourself with some people who are willing to understand and work through this with you so that you have some ideas how to react if you come across someone who does not understand.Please remember that there is always someone to talk with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.", "answerText": "I agree with Sherry, it is OK to give the answer that you feel most familiar with. The most important part is not who people think you are, but that you know who you are. Read about gender identity and fluidity. Discovering the answer is a process, don't rush it to comply with others either way. If you feel that this is a constant issue that keeps you awake and keeps you from enjoying your life, consider going to a therapist to discuss your feelings and concerns.Qu significaque yo me sienta como diferentes gneros?Nac comonia.Me veo como nio. A veces siento como una variacin diferente de gnero. No s qu decirle a otros cuando pregunta que soy. Me siento confuso y solo digo mi genero de nacimiento.Estoy de acuerdo con Sherry, est bien dar la respuesta que se sienta ms cmoda. La parte ms importante no es quien las otras personas piensen que eres, sino quien t piensas que eres. Lee sobre el tema de identidad de gnero y fluidez de gnero. Descubrir tu gnero puede ser un proceso, no lo apresures para complacer a otras personas. Si sientes que este tema te esta quitando el sueno y te impide disfrutar tu vida, habla con tu consejero sobre tus sentimientos y preocupaciones."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.", "answerText": "It is ok to tell someone who is casually asking about your gender, what is written on your birth certificate.Measure the significance of your answer to the significance of the person who is asking you the question.In addition, you are stating the simple truth, so there's nothing wrong with stating what is on your birth certificate.Do you understand the reason of why people are asking about your gender?It is not a common question, so I wonder about the context in which this happens.The whole field of gender identity is extremely popular now.Popular usually means people are swept into a trend just because it is in the air, not because they've given the time and seriousness to thoughtfully consider if the trend has anything to do with them personally.Keep open minded to who you are, including if you are truly a different gender than the one you're born into.It is a very complicated question and lately people, especially teens, are answering it much more rapidly than seems possible to fully consider."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. Ive never thought about men until a week ago. Im very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that Im not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.", "answerText": "Are you able to give yourself some peace of mind while you take the time to further address whether or not you are gay?Whether or not and to what degree a person accepts their sexuality, depends on dense factors such as the culture of your family, the beliefs about gay people with which you were brought up, and your own tolerance for being a unique individual.Examining these factors, whether inwardly by yourself, in online blogs and sites, or live with other people, requires patience and effort.The more you are willing to commit to figuring out your own truth, the greater is your chance of finding it!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. Ive never thought about men until a week ago. Im very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that Im not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.", "answerText": "Hello. Coming to terms with the idea that you might be of a sexuality other than the one in which you were socially raised to be, can be emotionally disturbing, and quite unsettling. It creates anxiety, maybe even panic, and leaves us feeling confused and uncertain about our own sense of identity. It becomes important to first ask yourself how you feel when you are thinking of being intimate with guys, or if you desire them to be intimate with you. It is important to know what impact this has on you, because it can determine your level of follow through and desire in pursuing sexual activity with someone of the same sex. I am not going to pass judgment on you either way - even for having the thoughts. I have worked with the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) community in various ways over the years. Many I speak to, say they had to struggle to come to terms with this awareness about how they see themselves sexually. Maybe you are bisexual, and don't have an exclusive attraction to the same sex. You might consider doing some searches online for community support groups in your area, to explore the feelings and issues around this topic. Talking to someone who you trust can be helpful too. Running from your feelings is not a good idea, and others in a support group for sexuality issues, might be able to relate to you and what you're going through right now. This will offer you perspective, as you think on how this plays out in your life.Counselors are typically well trained to provide clinical services to clients who are experiencing feelings and thoughts much like the ones you are having now. I encourage you to consider reaching out for help. You are not crazy or insane for thinking of working with a counselor, nor of having feelings of same sex attraction. If you decide you are indeed gay, then know that you are not alone and never will be alone in that feeling. There is a huge community of support for you. Additionally, we all need help sometimes dealing with all sort of issues. A counselor can work more in depth with you to examine the motivations behind the feelings, and help you come to terms with them more directly. I hope that you come to a place where you feel less alone and more secure with yourself as you examine this area of your life. No matter what, do not fear being yourself. Again...you are not alone, I promise.Warm regards,Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. Ive never thought about men until a week ago. Im very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that Im not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.", "answerText": "Hi Brookfield, It can be unsettling when we feel something as fundamental as our sexual orientation shifting. I like that you're honest enough with yourself to say \"I'm struggling with this\". To accept that there is a question is a brave place to be. And...it doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.Unfortunately, we live in a culture that wants to put people in slots...male or female, straight or gay...we tend to not like those grey areas so much as a culture. The truth is that, if we grew up in a society where there wasn't this categorization...if we felt free to explore and grow sexually, we might be surprised at who we are attracted to. You don't have to put yourself in a slot. Our sexual preferences are more fluid than we think, and it can change over time.We also live in a culture where there is prejudice against homosexuality or \"differentness\" in general. The wish to not be gay can be powerful. Many people who are gay spend years believing they were heteroxual...fighting against, repressing or ignoring their gay thoughts. This is needless pain. If you are gay, there is no shame in that and you can still have a glorious life filled with love and passion.Having said all that...just because you have thoughts about men or get turned on by gay porm doesn't mean you're gay. Many heterosexual people have thoughts and fantasies about the same sex; it's arousing because it's naughty...we're curious about the forbidden, or we're just curious. Becoming aroused by gay porn is normal for many heterosexual men.Sexual orientation isn't just about sex either. A different gauge of who you are sexually can be found in your emotions towards men or women. Are you drawn into emotional connections with men more than women? Who do you feel the urge to explore and be close to?Exploring your sexuality through being open to different experiences can help too. How does it feel to kiss a man, to touch a man, as compared with a woman...sometimes this feels like such a big and forbidden step that it's a barrier to discovering ourselves. We don't want to open that door.I wish you well as you do exactly what you are supposed to be doing...exploring and discovering yourself. It's an exciting journey and you might want to find a trusted person to talk more about this with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.", "answerText": "Let yourself enjoy crossdressing!What sounds in your way are whatever beliefs you gre up hearing, see and absorb currently.Concentrate on your own satisfaction and that you are doing this in a non-harming way.Maybe if you branch out your interest by finding other people who enjoy crossdressing as much as you do.With any interest or activity, social interaction supports it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.", "answerText": "Hi there! It sounds like you have already started to answer your own question by stating that you love cross dressing very much, and I am glad you enjoy it! Cross dressing is something many people enjoy, and there is no harm in it whatsoever.My question to you would be: What is making you feel torn about it? There is unfortunately still a lot of negative stigma associated with people who express their gender or sexuality in ways that differ from the majority. (And sometimes certain sexual interests are actually very common or even in the majority, but because people carry shame about being different when it comes to gender and sexuality we assume we are all alone!)Being a sexual or gender minority or someone who participates in kink or expresses their sexuality or gender identity in a unique and personal way often means suffering from something called \"internalized oppression\". We grow up being exposed to certain assumptions and beliefs about what is \"acceptable\" behavior and even face consequences sometimes if we don't \"fit in\" the way others tell us to. Even if those assumptions are harmful and wrong, we still internalize them and feel guilty about who we are. There is nothing wrong with us, but feeling stigmatized and isolated can lead to feelings of shame, embarrassment, or like something is \"wrong\" with us.But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, so be proud of who you are and what you enjoy. You can continue to simply enjoy it privately, or maybe you'd eventually like to share it with a partner or maybe even join a community with similar interests. I'll leave you with a quote from comedian Eddie Izzard, who identifies as, in his own words, a \"straight transvestite\": \"Theyre not womens clothes. Theyre my clothes. I bought them!\" Take care, and thanks for your question!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.", "answerText": "If you enjoy cross-dressing and are comfortable with how you feelaand aware of your own thoughts and feelings about it in private as compared to in public, I see no problem with that.If you would like to become more comfortable with it or express more feelings about it, I recommend that you see a local mental health professional, not because there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but so you can learn more about yourself in the process. You may find that doing this in private and having a partner who accepts that is your view of how you would like things to be. You may discover that you would like to do this in public.I appreciate your honesty."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have always wanted to have a transition from male to female for some time now. This issue has persisted for 10 years already but I don't know where to start. I do not have the soundest information either.", "answerText": "Wonderful! I am so excited for you. What a huge decision. I am writing from Toronto Canada so it is hard for me to direct you specifically. I would start with two things 1) Find a doctor that is comfortable perscribing hormones and 2) find a Counsellor or Therapist that is transgender specialized. They will know how transitioning works in your health care system and other supports as well. Google is a wonderful way to find these resources. I wish you well. Thanks for writing!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldnt believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now Im actually starting to believe them. I know I wasnt back then, and now Im not sure anymore.", "answerText": "I agree with Amy. We get a lot of pressure from others and even ourselves to define who we are and what we wantat a pretty early age. The truth is, our sexuality canchange and grow in directions we never imagined. I may be wrong, but I am getting the impression that you may not want to be gay. That this is something you didn't like others suggesting and now you are uncomfortable with the idea that it may be true. Thiswould certainly beunderstandable. Your sexuality is YOURS and yours alone. It can be quite frustrating and hurful when others try to define who you are. And it can be equally frustrating when you are trying to figure it out for yourself. The truth is that there are many different possibilities when it comes to sexual orientation. It may help to think about what qualities you find attractive. What kind of person can you see yourself being attracted to? Someone smart? Funny? Loves dogs? If you look for these qualities in a person they may lead you to being attracted to someone of the same sex, but maybe not. At least you would be choosing someone based on values and qualities that you love and admire. Another idea is to chat with a counselor, if you are interested. Preferrably one who has done some training in affirmative therapy. Be well and be you..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldnt believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now Im actually starting to believe them. I know I wasnt back then, and now Im not sure anymore.", "answerText": "Use this time to explore who you are...imagine what your life would be like if you were gay and not, ask yourself what is different? What scenario do you find yourself gravitating to? What is important is that you are happy. My message to you is that you do not need to define yourself with your sexual preference or feel the need to label yourself, especially if you are confused and exploring what your sexual preference is."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?", "answerText": "It doesn't sound like you are finding yourself attracted to anyone. It could mean that you just haven't connected with anyone you find attractive, or that you are asexual - essentially not oriented toward anyone. I would suggest doing some reading on asexuality and see if it connects to how you feel!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?", "answerText": "Hi, and thanks for your question. I agree with my colleagues about researching asexuality, but I want too add a couple of things about that:Here is a website that you can start with to get some information about asexuality - http://www.asexuality.org/home/There are a whole lot of myths surrounding asexuality. One is that people who are asexual have absolutely no interest in sex, and that is not always the case. There are variations of asexuality. Some people who are asexual have an interest in sex and others don't. Also, once you read more on this topic, you may find that you don't connect with asexuality either, and that is okay. Our society usually thinks of sexual orientationsasonly being straight,gay, lesbian, or bisexual, but the truth is there are many variations of sexual orientations. Keep exploring. There is a good chance that there is a community of people who feel like you do. Finally, labels are important for a lot of things, but labeling ourselves can sometimes lead to some painful feelings. Try not to feel pressured to label yourself too quickly. This is your journey. Your experience. Take all the time you need.You may never feel the need to labelhow you feel, and that is okay, too. Hope this helps. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?", "answerText": "No, it does not necessarily. Your sexual preference is based on who you ARE attracted to, not what does not turn you on. If you find you have no sex drive at all, this is called asexual. But you did not mention what you do find arrousing either. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi. It can be difficult to handle such a transition on your own. I work with clients to understand their needs and wants. This can involve how to communicate effectively with friends, family, and other loved ones; or, learning how to have self-acceptance. I strongly recommend speaking with a licensed clinician one on one to help facilitate the change you are looking for."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to considersuicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's freeat877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question.Be well....be YOU.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi! I am so glad you're reaching out! Sounds like you have some solid support in some areas of your life but are still dealing with some difficult dysphoria. I think it can depend on what kind of dysphoria you have - sometimes it's physical, social or mental. Sometimes physical dysphoria means less time around mirrors or plans to make showering less stressful (music, audio books, distraction). Sometimes online support networks can be a great source of ideas in this way (for social and mental dysphoria as well). Some of my clients do things that help them feel better in their bodies that don't require anyone to know (hair removal, binders, packing, hormones,) and other things. I recommend stopping by a website called Conversations with a Gender Therapist. There are some awesome videos there that might help you! I hope this helps some! Don't forget to try to connect with other trans folks (even online) - it can be a great relief to know you're not alone in how you're feeling! Best of luck!!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been noticing myself really enjoying watching/reading about gay or lesbian couples. I've also been imagining what it might be like to date a girl, and I like the idea. I also find guys cute too. Does this make me bisexual?", "answerText": "Hello! Thank you for your question. Exploring your sexual orientation and attraction is a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself! I would be curious to know what feelings you might have related to the possibility of being bi; What messages you may have received related to this orientation and any concerns you have about possible sexual orientations."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I got sick really bad and was throwing up for three days and nights. I thought I was going to die. Then about a week later, I started having this desire to be female. I never had this desire before. All I can think about is being a woman. I don't get pleasure from my penis anymore either. Women are attractive, but not like before. I can also find men attractive now. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for reaching out to ask for help. Surely this is a very confusing time for you! If you have never had these feelings and desires it could certainty shake everything you thought you knew about yourself. My guess is that you becoming sick around the time that this started is likely a coincidence, but I understand how you would make the connection. I have a feeling that a few things may be going on here. It is really hard to say since I dont know you, how old you are, etc. But, I will share you with you some thoughts. Some people, when they have undesirable thoughts that really surprise them, have a really tough time getting rid of them. Our reaction to the thought can be very strong and our tendency to try to block it out, stuff it, avoid it, etc. is not always successful. In fact, its usually not. Its like telling you not to think of pink elephants. I would be willing to bet that you thought of a pink elephant just now. So, rather than fighting thoughts that you find confusing, sometimes it is helpful to allow yourself to explore the thought with curiosity and without judgement. Where is this thought coming from? What are my feelings about it? Asking yourself these questions may help you come to a resolution about what is going on. One possibility is that you have developed an anxiety about your thoughts and now you are in the process of obsessing about them, but another possibility is that you are legitimately exploring your sexuality and gender. I get the feeling from your question that you do not want to believe that it is second possibility. And that is okay. You can try some of my suggestions, but you can also see a counselor who may be able to help you work through your confusion. I would suggest someone who has experience working with sexuality issues. You can usually find out what a counselor works with on their website. What is important is that you find someone who is non-judgmental about what you are experiencing. I wish you well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.", "answerText": "Being open minded about the type of sexual connection which feels true and real, is a solid starting point.Having questions is a very valuable way of more clearly defining your sexuality.Write one or two of your questions if you'd like a more specific focus to your general search about your sexual preference."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.", "answerText": "Hi Brentwood, While our society tends to want to put us into categories...slots...when it comes to sexuality, because this is nice and neat and convenient...many people find that they don't fit perfectly into one or the other. All you have to do is exactly what you're doing; be aware of yourself and allow yourself to explore these thoughts and emotions both alone and in connection with a safe partner. The people who love you will continue to love you as you sort through this. You can resist the temptation to please others by giving yourself a label. We are attracted to, and fall in love with, people...and we can't always predict what gender they might be. I love how open you are to discovering yourself. Keep on that track. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've recently thought that i could be transgender but I've never had the mind of a girl.", "answerText": "Hello Frostproof,Thinking about becoming transgender and being transgender are slightly different. This is a topic that is best discussed with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues. From what you have written it sounds as if you still have some confusion as to where you fit in with the \"labeling system\". While labels provide a means to quickly identify and classify, they can also feel restrictive or confining. Instead of focusing on fitting into a specific classification, explore who you are as a person and celebrate your positive qualities and those things that make you uniquely you! There are many options for you to find a therapist and e-therapy is also an option. You can try Breakthrough an online service. Here is some reading for refection that you may find helpful. Yin Yang Woman Man http://dld.bz/ejVK2 What does it mean to be a woman or a man?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.", "answerText": "I understand that gender and/or sexual identity crises can be very difficult to navigate, although in todays time I think we have made a lot of progress and it is becoming easier for individuals to find themselves and also find acceptance from society.I am unsure how old you are. If you are a child or teenager, this is a normal time to have identity questions and to be in a phase where you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. I hope that you have understanding and supportive friends and family that you can talk to and who will support you in how you feel and what you may decide to do. A lot of people, unfortunately, do not, and if this is the case then it makes it harder for you. Because then you may not feel safe exploring these feelings and decisions.I urge you not to try to make any permanent changes for quite some time. By this I mean a sex change. Anything permanent like surgery or hormone replacement to change your actual gender is something that does not need to be done lightly. Please find a therapist that can help you explore your feelings and your identity crisis. Of course there are things that you can do that are not permanent changes. Many people decide to dress like their gender of choice. Maybe experimenting in this way is something that you could do.See if you have a local chapter of PFLAG in your area. PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They are able to help not only with those who identify as lesbian or gay, but also transgendered and asexual.I wish you all the best in your identity crisis. It would be very easy for you to sink into depression if you do not have good support and understanding from those around you during this time. Find a professional that can help, especially if you experience depression or any thoughts of harming yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.", "answerText": "Gender is personal thing. There is not just boy and girl. It is ok to be a boy and feel feminine and date women. It is also ok to be a transgendered women and date women. Have fun with it and feel it out. What is right for you?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I can't understand what I pay attention to.", "answerText": "One way to concentrate is that if your mind starts to wonder then remind yourself to bring your attention back.Start with short time spans of expecting yourself to concentrate. You'll more likely succeed with concentrating with small time spans than longer ones.Once you start seeing your success, this will motivate you to try increasing the length to expect yourself to concentrate.The task of self-reminding is the same, whether for long or short time periods.Also, before starting this exercise ask your medical doctor if the problem can be related to a physical health problem.If there is, then have the possibility ruled out that your difficulty concentrating comes from the mental ability to concentrate, and not some medical reason preventing this.Before someone can engage their psychological will there must be a clean medical body and mind with which to work."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "I've talked to many teens who frequently sneak out. The question I always ask them is, \"What are you getting from sneaking out that you aren't getting at home?\" Many teens answer they are hooking up, using substances, and engaging in other risky behaviors. As uncomfortable as it might be, I encourage you to talk with your parents or guardians about the reasons why you are sneaking out. What are you getting \"out there\" that you aren't getting at home? A good family counselor can help sort through those issues. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "When you say you've \"been caught\", I am assuming that means your parents know you've been sneaking out. If that's the case, could you ask for their help? Sometimes just knowing someone else is holding you accountable really makes a difference. That could be as simple as Dad checking in on you at, say, 2 am, just to make sure you are where you are supposed to be.If you are sneaking out to hang out with friends, find another way to connect with them - if they are truly friends they will want to support you in your resolution to stay put at night. Maybe you can ask for their support by telling them to stop including you in late night plans.There is likely a reason you were sneaking out, but there's a reason you want to stop too - so get support. No one changes hard habits on their own!Best of luck to you - you can do this and it will help you change other things in the future."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "Hi,When we can't stop doing things that we know are wrong, it can help to take a closer look at how we make our decisions. Usually we are getting something good out of these bad behaviors, such as feeling excited or taking our minds off of bad things. It is really hard to change these things without helping us get the good effect in a more healthy way. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "Hi...let's start with what's causing you to sneak out of the house?Understanding the motivation behind your actions (in this case...your sneaking out at night) can often times help you create the change you want. Are you arguing with your parents? Do you feel misunderstood? Alone? Scared? Stressed out? What are you doing once you leave the house? Where are you going? Are people in your home in conflict? Do you feel safer when you leave? Most importantly, reflect on what may be behind the reason for your wanting to leave the house and feeling not in control of your actions? Talk to someone about what's going on, because maybe that person could help you create the movement you are seeking."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "This is not totally unusual behavior, but the fact that you would like to stop and cannot seem to be able to points to something deeper. That cannot be unpacked online, but I'm glad that you're in this space and asking this question. Try to find a therapist who seems like a good fit and begin to get to work on this issue and what all is going on for you. You're not alone!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "Where do you go and what is your reason to go wherever this is?Try to understand these reasons because the answers may give you good guidance as to other ways to get what it is your trying to reach by sneaking from your home at night.If for example, you're sneaking out because your parents are arguing and you feel hurt by this and want to escape hearing their arguments, then you can come up with other ways to hear less of their arguments.If you sneak out bc your parents restrict your friends or time to socialize with your friends, and your friends are doing legal and safe behaviors, then maybe you could do some socializing online w them.Also, I wonder the reason why either of your parents isn't aware that you leave the house. Do you feel your parent would offer and would you ask your parent to give their suggestions so you feel more motivated to stay home?"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I suffer from checking and cleaning OCD. Can counseling help me to get over it?", "answerText": "Counseling can be very effective for OCD. In particularly, a kind of therapy called Exposure Response (Ritual) Prevention Therapy is considered the 'gold standard' for the treatment of OCD. What this is, is a specific protocol that helps you build relaxation strategies and to increase the amount of time between your checking/cleaning rituals while also helping you to face any of the fears that OCD given you until those rituals and fears are no longer interfering with your life. Research has shown that this kind of therapy may even be more effective for OCD than medication,https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp.162.1.151"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I suffer from checking and cleaning OCD. Can counseling help me to get over it?", "answerText": "Possibly yes, and definitely worth a try.First read about different types of therapy for OCD so that you find a therapist who does the type of therapy which feels best when you read about it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. Can you explain what's going on?", "answerText": "Mood swings and getting frustrated when things don't work out is totally normal. Sometimes, we get tied to one thing we really want to do and it can feel pretty intense when that gets interrupted or doesn't work out. This said, you're coming to CounselChat and so I'm guessing this is something that is pretty intense for you and something that you are concerned about. If this is getting in the way of your life, it may be worthwhile to reach out to a therapist or doctor to get some help with this and see if there might be something more going on. While for most people frustration/mood swings is related to typical life and stress, if very intense it can be a sign of a number of challenges ranging from anxiety to a traumatic experience to something like Bipolar Disorder where a person's mood and energy might fly so high (mania) that one feels like they can do anything but often become frustrated when interrupted (note: there is a lot more to Bipolar Disorder than this and this is certainly not a diagnosis). Wish you well!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. Can you explain what's going on?", "answerText": "Why do you blame other people who had nothing to do with your actions?If it is because after the fact you wish you had accepted their help, then the person who is responsible for this is you!Since you are aware of your tendencies and how the interfere with your life, try to become aware of when you do these habits.This way you can interrupt your own patterns a little bit at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. Can you explain what's going on?", "answerText": "Teenagers are prone to mood swings due to developmental and hormonal changes that are rapidly and intensely occurring in your body and mind - so some of this happens to many people in your stage of development. You are not at all alone.You've taken the first and very important step in regulating your moods by just identifying that you are having these intense changes instead of being completely submerged in them and unaware! The more you are able to be a witness to your emotions and thoughts, the more you can learn to manage them. Your question offers several clues for strategies that you can try - for example, identify the warning signs for becoming irritated and plan a response, such as taking a deep breath, informing the person you are becoming irritated and need some space, or find a distraction temporarily like listening to music or going for a walk. Since you are aware of blaming others for things not working out, you can proactively make a personal commitment to taking ownership or personal responsibility by just thinking about it and practicing thoughts such as \"I am responsible for my efforts\" and \"Blame is not helpful for anyone\" and other thoughts that you believe and can repeat related to this insight. When you practice thinking more rational, healthy thoughts, you are actually rewiring your brain, so practice is key!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "Hearing voices can be a very upsetting experience to have. I want you to know that a lot of people will hear a voice at some point in their lives and that there are many things that cause voices. Oftentimes, significant stress can offset us to have symptoms like this. There also mental and physical health conditions that can do the same. I strongly encourage you to seek out help from both a doctor and a counselor to help you piece together exactly what is causing your voices. I Once you've got that down, you'll know what to work on. In the meantime, here are some strategies to cope with voices1. Lower your stress levels: Oftentimes stress makes voices worse. What can you do to lower your stress?2. Get enough Sleep: Like stress, sleep deprivation is an awful trigger for hearing voices3. Listen to Music; Music can help you focus on another sound4. Wear headphone or Earplugs5. Use Your Own Voice; If the voices are saying harsh things to you, it can be tempting to talk back and that's okay if you do. However, you cn also use your own voice through singing, whistling, or the like, which can help drown out the voices6. Remind Yourself that What the Voices Say is Not True; Sometimes it Helps to Write it Out7. Draw the Voice or Give it a Name; This can make it less scary and help get it outside of you8. Keep Track of When You Hear Voices to Identify Triggers; These are situations you can avoid while these are so distressful for you9. Be Kind to Yourself; When a Voice is Being Cruel to You it is especially important to be kind to yourself10. Remember that while hearing voices can be disturbing that it is a common experience and something that many people recover from."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "I would recommend that you talk with a mental health professional near you about the details so you can have some really specific support for what you are going through.I don't know if you can understand when the voices are saying, but I wonder how you feel about what you are hearing? If the voices are just at night, is it possible that they are part of a nightmare or a dream?If you recall your nightmares, consider writing them down so that you can remember their content and work with a mental health professional to look for patterns.One thing that may help you while you are awake is to try to stay connected to the room you're in. For example, take time to notice your feet on the floor, hips in the chair, and shoulders against the back of the chair. You can also try mindfulness techniques, such as noticing what is around you or changing your breathing patterns. These ideas may help in the meantime prior to having more specific ideas from someone near you.Thanks for reaching out!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "Voices and dreams could be suppressed feelings or thoughts that result from negative experiences. Many times when people go to trough traumatic incidents or changes in their lives without being equipped to manage them and as a result they start having similar symptoms. It is helpful to find a therapist to talk to about those dreams and voices, once you get them out, you could analyze the concerns and fears that they reflect and normalize them, which will also be a good time to discuss their source, if any traumatic event has occurred in your life. Also, I recommend to journal your dreams, especially if they keep you awake at night, and meditate after, so you could go back to sleep. Cmo puedo hacer que los sueos y las voces desaparezcan?Durante las ltimas cuatro semanas he estado teniendo pesadillas y escuchando voces que me dicen cosas horribles. No son voces que hablan al azar, pero voces de las personas que me importan.Las voces y los sueos pueden ser sentimientos supresos o pensamientos que resultan de experiencias negativas. Muchas veces estos sntomas surgen cuando las personas pasan por situaciones traumticas o cambios que no estaban preparados para enfrentar. Es til encontrar a un terapeuta con quien puedas hablar de esos sueos y voces, y aprender a normalizar el contenido de los mismos. Tambin sera un buen momento para discutir cualquier situacin traumtica que te haya ocurrido. Adems te sugiero que escribas tus sueos, especialmente si te mantienen despierto en la noche, y que medites luego de escribirlos para que puedas volver a dormir."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "Are you in the middle of extreme emotional pressure right now?Or, is someone with whom you're close, under stress or somehow suffering?Dreams and nightmares are when our feelings and pressures we feel, try working themselves out without logic and language.Even though the nightmares are horrible, they are one way your psyche is trying to come to terms w extraordinary difficulty in your life or someone's life whom you feel greatly attached."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "It's important to take a look inside and find out why you are experiencing these feelings. It could anything and it will change your life to know what your particular issue or trigger is. Please contact us a call with the method that is most comfortable for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away. If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My doctor seems to think I am in danger of having one. I neglected to ask how this was different than an episode. I have been formally diagnosed with bipolar type 1.", "answerText": "I do not think there is such a thing as a psychotic seizure, however, there is something called a pseduoseizure or psychogenic non-epileptic seizure. Basically, this is when a person shows signs of a full-on seizure (such as falling and convulsing) but they are not producing brain waves consistent with a seizure. Psedoseizures tend to be brought on by high stress, emotional challenges, and trauma history. You can learn more here,https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK441871/Still, the best way to now what your doctor meant would be to ask them! :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My doctor seems to think I am in danger of having one. I neglected to ask how this was different than an episode. I have been formally diagnosed with bipolar type 1.", "answerText": "The best path is to ask your doctor what s/he meant when telling you about your high risk for psychotic seizure.Your doctor knows you better than any of the therapists who write on this blog. And, because your doctor knows your health, will likely have suggestions and advice for you regarding the seizures s/he thinks you may develop."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My doctor seems to think I am in danger of having one. I neglected to ask how this was different than an episode. I have been formally diagnosed with bipolar type 1.", "answerText": "I will admit that I'm not specifically familiar with this from my own experience.My best educated guess is that you could have a seizure during which you have some sort of symptoms similar to a hallucination (which is one of the psychotic symptoms) when you hear or see things that aren't really there.In looking briefly online, I was able to find some information here:http://www.epilepsy.com/information/professionals/about-epilepsy-seizures/psychiatric-and-behavioral-aspects/psychiatric-2It sounds like this would be a symptom in addition to an already existing seizure disorder, not a seizure disorder in addition to a mental health problem. If it is the other way around, I'm not sure how that would work. It is common with some types of seizures to have an altered state of reality during or shortly after the seizure, so that could also be related.I would suggest you talk to your physician about this directly so that if they are worried about this, you can learn more about what is making them concerned about it and what, if anything, you could do to lessen the likelihood of it or how to handle it if it does happen."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "Scary thoughts can feel overwhelming at times as well as feeling quite real. I want to acknowledge how scary they can feel, but there is hope and new skills you can learn to work with these types of thoughts. The first step in working with scary or negative thoughts is to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and we can choose to follow the scary thought streams or work with cutting them off or ignoring them. I also realize that might seem really hard to do, but here's a good way to think about the brain and how thought patterns work. Thoughts arise in the mind all the time, our brain is a thought machine. Many thoughts drift by like clouds and we don't pay any attention while other thoughts arise and they trigger us in a particulate way, i.e., scary, angry, happy, sad, and when those thoughts arise we can chose to pay more attention to the thought which can lead us down that particulate thought stream that will lead to fear and anxiety. So, how do we work or stop those scary thought streams? One new skill to implement comes from the work of Rick Hansen, he wrote the book Buddha's Brain,\" he teaches that we need to give more energy and attention to the positive thoughts or positive memories we hold in our mind and pay less attention to the negative thoughts. Hansen asks us to imagine the brain this way, the brain is like Velcro with negative thoughts and like teflon when it comes to positive thoughts. There are reasons that our brain works this way, but I don't have time to go into all of that in this response. So, it's just important to remember we have to work at positive thinking, actually pausing throughout the day to focus on positive feelings and memories, this will help the mind reinforce positive thought streams and help reduce negative thought streams over time. If a scary thought arises try to replace it with a happy experience for at least a couple of moments, and see if that helps reduce the negative charge connected with that scary thought."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "There are some great thoughts offered by others here.I would just add that typically the most natural response to fearful thoughts is to want to stop, avoid, or get rid of them - which doesn't work if you're really caught up in a cycle of OCD or other form of anxiety.In the long run, the more effective thing to do is the harder and less intuitive option: to have those uncomfortable thoughts on purpose.This may mean writing out in detail what the worst case fear you are thinking of is, and then reading it over and over again until it becomes boring. It may also mean pausing through the course of the day to merely observe all the thoughts going on, and realizing that thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not the same as reality, and the unpleasant ones can become a lot less scary when we realize we can coexist with them without them coming true."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "Such a great question! I'm so sorry you are struggling! You may be experiencing Intrusive thoughts. These are thoughts that seem to come from no where and victimize us. I can strongly recommend a book called \"When Panic Attacks\" by Dr. David Burns. It helps you to identify the thoughts, and the help you create ways to counteract them! There is another technique, called Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping can be as simple as saying \"Stop!\" loudly (if you are alone) or in your head, if you are in public. It's a quick way to distract you from the distressing thought, and allow you to refocus. I recommend using this technique, followed by some deep breathing, while visualizing something that helps you feel relaxed (a favorite place, a pet, etc.). These three things in conjunction can be of great assistance.One key component in addressing anxious thinking is building the skill of relaxation. I recommend an App called Headspace which teaches relaxation through some simple guided mediation. Super easy to do, and a great way to begin to build relaxation skills. Plenty of sleep and reducing caffeine intake can also be things to explore. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind.None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming.What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability.Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life.Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them. When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution. Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable.I hope this helps you at least a little bit!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I created a sort of imaginary friend to help me cope with stressful situations or if I'm worried or upset. She \"gives me advice\" and comforts me and tells me it'll be okay. I've given her a name (Solace) and created a personality for her that's like a comforting motherly figure. I know it's just my own advice and my own thoughts, but it's just that I'm thinking of them through a voice other than my own. I do this because I know I never really listen to my own advice, and I thought it would be better if it was through someone else who knew my thought process in and out, through this imaginary friend. Is this normal? Could it develop into a separate personality with time if I continue a mentality that she is her own person?", "answerText": "Hi, I'm Amelia! You know, it does sounds like you have imagined a motherly comfort figure for yourself. Sometimes, when I have a person in my office that is very self-critical, I have him/her speak to his or herself as though he/she were speaking to a loved one. Isn't it sad that we speak to others more lovingly than we do ourselves?If you have not received empathy, nurturing, or comfort from a caregiver, it is hard to internalize empathy, nurture or comfort from the inside. There is a saying that \"We have been hurt in relationships and we can heal in relationships.\" Healing and growth are best provided in the context of healthy relationship.How about going the next step and finding a compassionate therapist or loving mentor that could actually provide you with the comfort that you need. You deserve to be seen, heard, noticed, and valued. I am wishing my very best to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I created a sort of imaginary friend to help me cope with stressful situations or if I'm worried or upset. She \"gives me advice\" and comforts me and tells me it'll be okay. I've given her a name (Solace) and created a personality for her that's like a comforting motherly figure. I know it's just my own advice and my own thoughts, but it's just that I'm thinking of them through a voice other than my own. I do this because I know I never really listen to my own advice, and I thought it would be better if it was through someone else who knew my thought process in and out, through this imaginary friend. Is this normal? Could it develop into a separate personality with time if I continue a mentality that she is her own person?", "answerText": "Since you are saying that you know that the thoughts are yours and your thinking of them in a different person's voice to make them easier for you to follow through on, it doesn't sound like it could develop into another personality.It may be helpful to also find other things that give you comfort and to practice telling yourself that it will be okay in your own voice. If you start to do that slowly, it may be more comfortable for you. If you're following following through with your own advice, it sounds like some part of you knows that you are making choices that you agree with.What else gives you comfort? Maybe there's a room that you like to be in when you are home or a certain outfit or color that makes you feel good. Focusing on these things may also be comforting to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I read that you should ignore them and they have to come to a conclusion that they were wrong on their own terms. Is that correct?", "answerText": "It is not correct because someone who is narcissistic believes they are always right.If you ignore the person, then their thinking is that there is something wrong with you.Ignoring the person to the degree this is possible in the situation or relationship, will spare you to be misunderstood further."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "People always judge others so rudely.", "answerText": "I agree with you and this is emotionally painful to watch or be on the receiving side.Depending on who is the person doing this and your relationship to them, it is possible to kindly point out that the person may unnecessarily hurt someone's feelings.If you express your thoughts and give your guidance, then whatever the person does afterwards, you have the peace of knowing you tried to redirect this behavior."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've developed a really intense and unexpected attraction to An actress after seeing her in a ballet uniform while guest starring on a television show. I try, but I can't get her out of my mind. What should I do?", "answerText": "Why not make good use of your unexpected attraction to study the features you consider attractive in someone.Attraction based on physicality is normal. As long as you have no negative thoughts of doing harm to the person or yourself which are connected to the attraction you feel, and so long as your attraction isn't stopping you from doing your daily life responsibilities such as work, to take care of your daily needs and any responsibilities you have for other people, then eventually it will lose its power on you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am extremely possessive in my relationships and this is hurting my friendships. How can I fix my underlying issues?", "answerText": "Hi there. It's great you are able to realize there are other issues going on with someone who feels possessive. At the root of it is fear. Fear of losing someone, fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough. All those fears can lead to low self-esteem and feeling like you have to control other people so you don't lose them. The thing is, controlling other people only pushes them away. Vicious circle, right?What I would suggest is some cognitive therapy to change those underlying ways of thinking. You can start with this assignment. Write down all the things you think about yourself, positive and not-so-positive. Then rewrite those not-so-positive things so they are positive. For example, thinking something like, \"I'm too pushy\", can be rewritten as, \"I'm assertive and I go after what I want.\" It can be hard to do since we tend to get \"stuck\" in our negative ways of thinking about ourselves. If you have someone you trust, you can ask for their help as well since most likely they see you differently than you see yourself.Finding a good cognitive therapist can help you further, but if that's not an option for you right now, there are lots of self-help books and websites that are out there. You've already taken the first step, so keep moving forward."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Changing unwanted behavior is one of the hardest things a person can do. I agree with Sherry that being patient with yourself is important. Here are a few things I would suggest:1. Get clear on the behaviors you really want to change, and make sure they are behaviors that CAN be changed. Sometimes we will set a goal like, \"I want to be more confident\" but that is hard to measure and prove to yourself that you accomplished it. Saying you are going to accept a date or go on a job interview is something you can actually do, and something that you may consider to be demonstrating confidence. Whatever your change of behavior is, make sure it is something you can actually change. 2. If you are going to give up a behavior, decide what you are going to do in place of it. So, if you are going to stop showing up late for work, then you are deciding to be on time for work and demonstrating your value of being punctual. 3. If you are going to make changes, really nail down WHY you want to make them. What is it about making these changes that is important to you as a person? For example, if you have the goal of weight loss, the reason this is important to you as a person may be because you value self-care. Knowing WHY you want to make changes is both your motivation and your compass for getting there. 4. Once you know WHY you want to make these changes, I strongly suggest setting small goals. If you set too high of goals you may not accomplish them and just feel worse. So, make the goal small, realistic, and guided by the the things you want to be as a person. 5. As Sherry mentioned, finding a counselor is sometimes a good idea if you really feel stuck. Any counselor who does work with goal-setting and motivation can probably help. Be well,Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change?", "answerText": "In general the reason people aren't able to change is because the person feels a sense of fear to change.What the roots are of this fear are usually easiest to identify by talking with someone whom you trust and feel safe to talk about your inner thoughts and emotions.If you haven't got someone like this in your life, which is common, then shop around for a therapist because a therapist is someone who is professionally trained to listen in a way which helps someone know more about who they are.Be patient with yourself too. Change sometimes feels much scarier and is more complex than simple compared with whatever you would like to change."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I don't feel like myself anymore. For example, I could walk up an entire flight of stairs before realizing that my legs are moving. I feel like Im watching my life be lived by someone else.", "answerText": "You may be experiencing a form of dissociation called depersonalization. People with this type of dissociation may feel disconnected from their bodies, feel that they are watching their bodies from a distance, or may not recognize their image in the mirror. Dissociation sometimes occurs after someone experiences something traumatic. I would suggest working with a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders as dissociation does not typically resolve on its own. On my website, I have some information specific to dissociation that you may find helpful. Best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was with my friends fishing by a pond. I found a frog and stabbed it with my friend's knife. I'm not sure why I did it. My friends saw me do it it and were shocked and got really mad at me. Now if someone brings it up I get really upset and panicked. I don't know why I feel like this. Does this mean there is something wrong with me?", "answerText": "The good news is your awareness that being violent to animals feels out of character for you. I'm glad you have awareness and I'm glad you are not at ease with killing frogs.Fairly likely that you were acting out aggressively toward the frog, feelings of being on the receiving side of similar type of violence.Basically, you did unto the frog what someone has or to you, feels like, has been done to you.Use your surprising finding of how strong your anger and most likely inward pain. Reflect on your closest relationships and how these people treat you. It is possible you feel more hurt by someone who is close to you than you ever realized.Stabbing innocent frogs is wrong. It is understandable as a way to show you how much inner pain you probably have.It is also wrong that someone close to you hurt you.The direction to go is to recognize your pain and then decide how to go about changing what is possible on your side of that or those relationship(s)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Sometimes, when I look at my pet cat, I think about how innocent he is and how somebody could hurt or kill him. It makes me sad because I love him, but I always think about how helpless he is. There've even been split-seconds where I felt almost tempted to kick him, followed by shame and guilt.", "answerText": "A lot of different things could be happening here. Do you feel angry or sad or anxious when you think about how helpless he is? If you have not actually kicked him, then I would encourage you to look at feelings other than guilt, since you did not hurt him. What else is there?It would probably be very helpful to talk with a therapist about the specifics of this so that you can see what else is happening for you. It could be that you feel safe with your cat, so strong emotions come up because you feel safe."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She was diagnosed a type one diabetic two years ago and had a very tough time dealing with it. She has an attachment issue also; her mother just moved to a much nicer home, and she gets angry and demands to go back to her prior home. We do not understand what is going on, and it is driving us crazy.", "answerText": "There are many possible answers here. It could be that she misses friends, that she felt safe in the other house (emotionally safe and comfortable), or dozens of other things. Will she talk about it when she's not mad? You mentioned that she has an attachment issue. It could also be that she was attached to the house. It's not the same as being attached to a person, but possessions and safe places certainly mean a lot."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My daughter basically freaked out out of nowhere over me saying calm down when she dropped her phone. Within seconds, the situation escalated to her kicking me out on the curb, saying horrifically unspeakable things, and her calling the cops on me. She seems unable to stop herself at times.", "answerText": "Bipolar disorder has a lot of different components. If this is a one-time event, it could be that your daughter had an intense moment of anger and the phrase of asking her to \"calm down\" may have made her feel as though you weren't understanding what she was saying. Bipolar disorder also includes feelings of depression. When this is coupled with intense anger and acting or speaking without thinking, these can be part of bipolar disorder, but that wouldn't be the whole picture of what bipolar disorder would look like. It may be helpful to track differences that you notice in your daughter's mood and any patterns related to the times of day or what seems to lead her to be upset. Patterns are very helpful in figuring out what is happening."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've tried working out and eating fruits and vegetables, but I always seem to eat the junk in the house.", "answerText": "I know some people do better when they don't have as much junk food in the house. This is not as tempting then. Having said that, maybe you can reward yourself with different things, such as having dessert on certain days. If you are concerned about mostly eating habits, consider seeing a nutritionist. They can help you find the balance between what it is that you really want and your goals. I'm not sure how this links to happiness for you, but hopefully looking at your choices can lead you toward your goal of being healthier."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've felt this way for two years. I feel so much better now then I did when it started, but it is still there in the back of my mind at all times.", "answerText": "Best answer that I can give to you is that some level of de-personalization is quite normal for everyone, it will come and go throughout life, kind of like being on a roller-coaster, \"here it is, then it's gone not to return for quite some time\", like many things, the more that you fixate on it, the more stress it will cause you, consider it part of life, accept it, and move on, now if your having many, many ,many of these episodes or have some auditory or visual hallucination or disturbances or emotional unbalancing that accompany it than that is definitely something to look at, but for the most part nothing to worry about. Hope this helps,C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's been like a couple of years that I've been feeling like this. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I get so sad and cry and then I feel better. But then I get upset with people so quickly, and I hurt their feelings. It's this constant rollercoaster, and it's hard.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Bipolar disorder isgenerallycharacterized by extreme changes in mood, ranging from mania (highs) to depression (lows). There are different types; however, so here is awebsite thatgives you a list of symptoms for mania and depression in bipolar disorder: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/bipolar-disorder-manic-depression?page=2After reviewing these symptoms, if you believe you may have bipolar disorder, then you may want to see your primary care provider ora counselor. Bipolar disorder is treatable, but for many people it requires the right medication and sometimes counseling to help people make behavior changes that are important for bipolar management. For example, some people may not get regular sleep, but proper rest is important for bipolar management. A counselor may talk to you about this and other lifestyle changes that you may need to make.The good news is that many people live happy, healthy, and productive lives with bipolar disorder. So, if it turns out that you do have bipolar disorder, it doesn't mean that things can't get better. There is currently no \"cure\" for bipolar disorder, but with proper medication and lifestyle management, people can do quite well.Hope this was helpful. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just need to know if I'm really crazy or not.", "answerText": "Do an internet research on psychosis symptoms and see if you have several of the symptoms. If you do, seek a medical evaluation from your primary care physician. There are great medications and psychotherapy that can help you live your life to the fullest. There a many people who are diagnosed with psychosis and living a productive life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I start to think of an issue that doesn't even matter or something bad that happened years ago. Then, I cry, pull at my hair, plug my ears, hit myself, and throw things. In loud public places, I get on edge and start being sarcastic and moody. I have an awful fear of people leaving me (which normally ends up happening) and I feel like I'm too clingy.", "answerText": "There is a reason you are having breakdowns.I can't agree that they happen for\"no reason at all\". Finding out the reason is going to be your biggest challenge because that may require you to dig deep into your past, uncover hurtful experiences, orrecognize something that would be extremely pain. However, if you don't find professional help to carefully guide you through whatever you mayconfront,the symptoms mentioned will continue and may even get worse. There is a light at the end of the road but you needsome help to find the right road to get on so you can see it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have an ex-boyfriend who just lies about everything. He is super lazy. He lies to everyone that he has a good job, builds trust, and then start borrowing moneyand large amounts too. It has come to the point where he has gone through several group of friends. He is leaving a trail behind full of friends in debt because he would put on a sob story, borrow money, then disappear. He refuses to work, so he sits at home playing games all day and either lies to his mom for money or lies to his friends. I used to think his lying was due to his drug habit, but now I'm hearing from other ex-friends of his that this started even before the drugs got into his life. He would borrow anywhere from $5,000 to $50,000 from everyone and it would all disappear. He's in debt with bills. He doesn't gamble, but he spends his money on random stuff. Although he has this habit of lying compulsively and spending money, he seems to be a good person. He'll always give a homeless person all his change no matter what. My brother has epilepsy and is really antisocialmy ex-boyfriend makes an actual effort to socialize with my brother. He takes him out to the movies and plays video games with him. He drives me to school and work every day and picks me upjust basically the small things that add up to the fact that he's not totally a horrible human being. Is he just simple a pathological liar or is there something that could possibly be deep down in there?", "answerText": "It sounds like you have some ambivalent feelings towards your ex-boyfriend that are difficult to sort out. You notice that there are both desirable and undesirable things about him, and this is true of everyone to one degree or another. One question that I would have for you is, are you satisfied with your relationship with him as it currently stands? Are you happy with the boundaries between the two of you, or would you like them to be different? Negotiating through conflict and establishing different boundaries are definitely things you could work on with the help of a therapist. Another question I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out what motivates his behavior? Discovering the roots of such behavior is something that he would have to work on in his own therapy and not something that you and a therapist could discover without him."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I noticed lately that I've been thinking a lot about death. I don't want to die, and I'm not suicidal. I just think about what would happen if I died or if someone I loved died. I imagine how sad everyone I know would be. I know it isn't worth it, and I definitely want to live and have a future. I just think about it. When I'm driving, I sometimes imagine what would happen if I just let go of the wheel and kept going.", "answerText": "I'll respond to your speculation that if you let go of the steering wheel while driving, you'll end up quite seriously hurt, at the very least. It is fine to play in your mind with \"what ifs\". People who write horror movie scripts most likely have some terrible sounding stories and suppositions.If you trust yourself to actually not follow through with an idea that may kill you, and you recognize the difference between thinking dangerous things and doing dangerous things, then go to the next step of understanding more about your thoughts on death.Since you wonder about being missed if you die, it is possible your thoughts about death are from feeling that you are metaphysically dead to people in your life whom you wish would show more interest in you.Play around with your idea as to why you'd consider how people will feel about you if you're not in their lives.This may offer some insight as to your expectations of current relationships with others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was never like this. Recently this year (my first year of high school), I started getting emotional for no reason.", "answerText": "Hello Vancouver, It's really common for people to become very upset over small things sometimes. The small thing is a \"trigger\", and the emotions aren't so much about that event that's happening in the present; they are more connected to old events that evoked the same feeling. You've likely had too much of that feeling in your life and you've developed a sensitivity to it. Look at the small events that are triggers for you and ask yourself what same or similar emotion they evoke. If there's anger there, look underneath that. Is it powerlessness, worthlessness, hurt, shame...? Then ask yourself when in your life you've experienced TOO much of that feeling. As a child, maybe, but not necessarily.That's the first step, and combined with empathy, compassion and self-esteem, you're starting to build what I call an emotional air conditioner. A good therapist can help you with the rest of this process and with learning ways of coping with emotions daily. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am lazy. I am very aware of the problem and try to talk myself out of it all the time, but I never seem to shake the habits. I try to think of what it is doing to me and my future, but no matter what, I keep creating excuses for myself to continue the procrastination. All I'm ever left with is regrets and a low grade. I am at an all-time low in my life, and I'm not even that old. I've always been a straight-A student, but now I'm getting C's and F's, and it hurts me to know that I am way better than that. It's not even like the work is hard.", "answerText": "Possibly laziness is not the true problem and is only what appears as the problem.Since you describe your laziness as an observable quality, I assume you've not always felt or handled yourself this way.Quite possibly and more likely, the particular conditions of your current life are not ones that are optimal for feeling good about yourself and your involvements.One suggestion is to see if there is any purpose to what you're doing in all the areas in which you see yourself acting from laziness.If you're not able to notice any good purpose, then you may be mistaking \"laziness\" for a significant amount of stress in your life.Stress can be opened and understood. If stress is what underlies what appears as laziness, then you define the contributors to your stress.Not feeling enough support in your life, financial uncertainty, arguments w people who are close in your life, feeling misunderstood overall or by particular people, all are possibilities.Good luck in learning more about who you are!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am lazy. I am very aware of the problem and try to talk myself out of it all the time, but I never seem to shake the habits. I try to think of what it is doing to me and my future, but no matter what, I keep creating excuses for myself to continue the procrastination. All I'm ever left with is regrets and a low grade. I am at an all-time low in my life, and I'm not even that old. I've always been a straight-A student, but now I'm getting C's and F's, and it hurts me to know that I am way better than that. It's not even like the work is hard.", "answerText": "I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. It sounds to me like you are suffering from depression to some degree. Have you seen a therapist or talked to anyone about your problems? If not, I would advise that you do so sooner than later so that you can learn what is causing you to be unmotivated and causing difficulty with breaking the cycle that you are in. It is also a good idea to get a medical evaluation from your doctor to rule out any medical causes for your current condition. Most often, difficult situations that life throws at us, along with an inability to think positively, and break bad habits are what cause depression. Somethings you can do immediately are seek help from a professional, schedule in time every day to engage in pleasurable (or once pleasurable) activities, exercise daily, and practice thinking more positively.Set a few daily goals for yourself and write them down each morning or the night before. Achieving your goals every day will give you a sense of accomplishment and can lead tofeeling more optimistic and capable. Additionally,keep ajournal to write down how you are feeling and what ideasyou have to helpfeel better. Sometimes havingthese ideaswritten down make it more real and tangible.Know that depressionismost often curable but takes work and a desire to change (which you clearly have). Once you start feeling better about yourself and your life, your grades should naturally begin to improve, as you will have more motivation and energy to focus on that particular area. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I never get infections or scars or anything, and it doesn't bother me if it gets filled up with blood or something, but I'm concerned.", "answerText": "Hi Houston, The fact that you're concerned says a lot. If I was your therapist I'd ask you questions about your worries and how this is causing a problem in your life. You're causing perhaps permanent changes (damage?) to your body, and it's likely you're trying to express something...pain maybe? A therapist can help you to explore what's going on for you and how to get your needs for self-expression met in a more healthy way. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I feel that I am struggling with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and it is making my day-to-day life extremely difficult.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of distress and you're wondering if it may meet a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. There are a few different types of Bipolar diagnoses in the DSM (diagnositc and statistical manual) and the best way to find out if your experiences would meet that diagnosis would be to meet with a mental health professional. You can also look up the diagnosis online and see if what you are going through meets the criteria.One question that I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out that you meet the criteria for such a diagnosis? It sounds like whether or not you do, you are suffering and working with a therapist may help you get into a better place."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "For some reason, I look at my phone, and in no time, five hours has passed. During those five hours, I'm playing games and trying to find out how to make my phone fun to use so I don't feel like I wasted my time trying to improve my phone's performance in my life.", "answerText": "Start by spending small amounts of time with your own thoughts and feelings.Always being focused on what a phone offers keeps people at a distance from knowing themselves.As long as you make time to spend in an activity which is not interactive the way a phone is, and instead depends only upon your actions, you will be investing time and energy into your own life.Whether by consciously considering your own interests, or doing housecleaning or chores, by devoting yourself to areas which you decide to be involved in, you will increase your knowledge of your own interests.Then, to not be so involved with your phone will be natural and easy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.", "answerText": "You definitely want to make sure not to inadvertently create an inappropriate dual relationship with a client.In fact, it is not uncommon for state regulatory boards to determine that a clinician and client being in the same 12 step group is professional misconduct.You might want to consider attending a 12 step meeting that is located in a different community than the one you work in. Another option would be to look for one-on-one or small group recovery support."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I know that workplaces have some latitude when it comes to requiring certain behaviors from their employees. For example, they may require you to tell them if you get into some kind of legal trouble. But this situation seems completely different. For one thing, 12 step meetings are supposed to be anonymous. I am not sure how they would know that you attended unless you or someone else told them. I agree that it seems like to cross a line. Usually each state has an office that manages complaints related to employment, such as the Department of Labor or EEOC. You may want to see which entity is in your state and contact them. It would be worth asking them to see if this is a legal practice. If it is but you still want/need to stay at this job, then you may want to look for alternate sources of support for your sobriety. There are active online support groups that would allow you to do things from the privacy of your home. SMART Recovery http://www.smartrecovery.org/ is a website that many people like. There are also online groups that specifically discuss the 12 steps. No matter what, I give you a lot of credit for doing your best to keep your sobriety and continuing to see the value in having support. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a relative who is in his twenties. He was in a drug rehabilitation program and got kicked out for using drugs again. No one informed family that he was using drugs again. He subsequently overdosed and was found dead. Is their accountability of counselors, therapists or the halfway house for not reporting that he had relapsed? Is there a legal case for failing to report?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This sounds like a really difficult situation for the whole family. Since the answer to this question will depend a lot on the applicable state laws, I would suggest talking with a local attorney. That being said, I see two competing issues here. On the one side is the duty of confidentiality the counselors owedto your relative. On the other side is the duty the counselors had to act reasonably to protect your relative from harm. Generally there is not a requiremt for substance abuse treatment centers to notify family members if an adult client relapses.A local attorney will be able to provide more specific guidance on the legal obligtions and liabilities in this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a relative who is in his twenties. He was in a drug rehabilitation program and got kicked out for using drugs again. No one informed family that he was using drugs again. He subsequently overdosed and was found dead. Is their accountability of counselors, therapists or the halfway house for not reporting that he had relapsed? Is there a legal case for failing to report?", "answerText": "I am so sorry for your loss. Generally therapists only have a duty to report self harm to ones self or others if it is expressed to them. Often times they will not report relapses due to the fact that proper releases were not signed or patient has specifically asked them not to for fear of shaming or failure again. I understand this may not be the answer you were hoping for. I would encourage the family to seek therapy themselves for help coping with such a loss."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What do you do when a therapist and a parent drugs a child and makes up lies in order to stop the other parent's custody visitation?", "answerText": "This sounds like a potentially serious situation. The most important thing is to make sure the child is safe. If you suspect that a child is (or has been) harmed, I would strongly recommend that you report your concerns to your local law enforcement or to Child Protective Services. If you don't think that a child is in danger, you can still report your suspicion of counselor misconduct to the state regulatory board."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What do you do when a therapist and a parent drugs a child and makes up lies in order to stop the other parent's custody visitation?", "answerText": "I will admit I am confused about this question. Are you the other parent in question or a concerned coworker of this therapist?Therapists do not prescribe or have access to medication. Most therapists won't even get involved in a custody battle. They know there is a good chance of their records ending up in court and that they themselves will have to testify in court. Of course, therapists are human and can make mistakes, but I find it highly unlikely that a therapist would knowingly and willingly do something like this that is such a major ethical violation. Not only are they losing their license to practice by doing this, they are going to face criminal charges and jail time. If their clinical judgment is that the other parent is a danger to the child, they don't have to resort to illegal means to try to prove this.If you have concrete proof that this has happened then there is a process in which you can file a report against the therapist with their licensure board. Every therapist is licensed in their state. There are different types of licensures so you would need to know this therapist's licensure.Most accusations from the other parent are expected in a custody situation because people do tend to get quite ugly. Don't accuse the therapist or the parent of anything just to try to make yourself look better and them look bad. Have evidence of wrongdoing before accusing them of this. If this has really happened then of course it needs to be reported, but don't try to ruin someone's career unless you are sure this occurred."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "They discontinued treatment for no apparent reason after they thought to diagnose me with schizophrenia.", "answerText": "The general rule against medical abandonmentsays thst whenever healthcare providers discontinue treatment with you when you still need it, they are legally required to make sure that you have access to another provider of equal or higher ability.In this case, if your treatment team decided to discontinue your treatment based on a diagnosis of schizophrenia, they still will likely be required to provide you with a referral to someone who can provide you with treatment. If you haven't already done so, I'd recommend that you explicitly ask for a referral."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I had a dispute with my therapist regarding an appointment cancellation. Now, she is blocking me from seeing other psychologists at the same clinic (which takes my insurance), which is also where I get my psychiatric services. There is a strict 48 hour cancellation policy, and my appointments are at 3:00 on Tuesday. I called to cancel at 4:30 the previous Friday. I was late, so we contacted my doctor to tell her that I would be out of town. She said I could do a phone in session. The thing is we do double sessions.", "answerText": "My recommendation would be to try to talk to your therapist about this from your description, it sounds like you have a legitimate explanation for missing your scheduled session.Maybe if you could explain that to her she would be willing to work with you.If she is not willing to consider your explanation and if she is not willing to continue working with you, she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I terminated my counseling relationship with a social worker several years ago. I am now realizing that I would like to begin counseling again. The social workers voicemail message says that he returns calls in 24 hours, but he hasn't called me back. I called him on the weekend and made it clear that I want him to call me back. Can he just ignore me?", "answerText": "Mental health providers should promptly return calls from current clients as well as from potential clients. This is even true if the social worker (or counselor) is unable to make an appointment with the caller. In that case the social worker should call you back to let you know that he is unable to schedule an appointment with you.In addition, mental health providers have an obligation to follow through with their own communication standards. For example, if the social worker in this case has an outgoing voicemail message that promises returned calls within 24 hours, he has an obligation to follow through on that promise.All that being said, it is also worth remembering that mental health professionals are just people too. It is possible that he had an unforeseen emergency that kept him from from returning your call promptly.In the end, I agree with Sherry's advice. If you feel this social worker is not a good fit for you, you probably should trust your gut and find someone else who is a better fit."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I terminated my counseling relationship with a social worker several years ago. I am now realizing that I would like to begin counseling again. The social workers voicemail message says that he returns calls in 24 hours, but he hasn't called me back. I called him on the weekend and made it clear that I want him to call me back. Can he just ignore me?", "answerText": "Yes, your former social worker should return your phone call.It is the professional ethic to do so and plain human decency to do so.If he doesn't, there is nothing you can directly do about the fact of his ignoring you.There are formal complaints you can make, which you can consider doing.What matters most is receiving social work service.Stick with looking for another social worker who is willing to help you.The self-doubts you mention may be worth examining.They do not, however excuse the social worker mishandling himself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I think I have depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and I have anger issues. I told my mom over and over again. She told me she would get me a therapist, but she never did. I just found out that my mom can't afford a therapist for me.", "answerText": "It can be difficult to get counseling if you don't feel supported by family members. There might be a few options. If you are in school, I'd recommend talking to a school counselor or school nurse. They often will be able to help you access freeor affordablecounseling resources in your community. In addition, depending on where you live, it's also often possible to call 211 for referrals to free or low cost counseling services in your area.I'd encourage you not to give up. You are on the right track."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have major depression, severe, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and personality disorder. I had an appointment with my doctor. I was very upset, and I shared with him about that particular drug.", "answerText": "Your doctor might be required to tell your psychiatrist - especially if your doctor is concerned about your safety.It was definitely a good thing that you told your primary care physician about what is going on. I know that must have been difficult to talk about with him. By having that conversation, you are helpingyour primary care physician and your psychiatrist work together to best support your health."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "There are typically three reasons why therapy is terminated:1) Client has met therapy goals2) Client is not progressing3) Therapist is not a good fit for clientIn order to properly assess whether therapy is helping and what progress is being made, the therapist needs to have ways of consistently checking in with clients sessions-by-session to determine what is helping, what isn't, and where the client is at in relation to their original therapy goals. When a client has met their goals, that is a good time to end counselling sessions unless the client has new goals or simply wants to check-in periodically to make sure that they are still on track (sometimes referred to as relapse prevention).When a client is not progressing, and feedback has been taken and attempts have been made to make the therapy more helpful for the client but to no avail, than it is considered unethical to continue to work with the client. In these circumstances, referring out to another therapist who may be a better fit is a good idea."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "Hopefully both the client and counselor would together decide when to terminate counseling sessions. It's really helpful for the client to leave counseling with a solid sense of what he or she has accomplished in counseling, so it can be a good idea to spend some time acknowledging that in the last session or sessions. Sometimes, however, a client has needs beyond the scope of the counselor's expertise. That's a good time for a conversation about those needs and ideas of how best to meet them, whether by adding in care with an additional mental health professional or transferring care entirely to a new mental health provider."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "From the very beginning of counseling sessions I emphasize that the work will and must end at some point.In counseling there is an arc to the process. A beginning, middle and end.I am always digging, searching and exploring.There comes a point where things come to there natural ending.I always leave an opening for continuing counseling in the future. At least as a check in."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "For most: When the money/insurance runs out.When best: When the job is done... and you're feeling much better."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "To be able to identify a clear ending to a counseling relationship, we must have a clear understanding of the goals and limitations of treatment. Usually, during the initial evaluation, I identify my clients short term and long term therapy goals. As therapy progress, we verify goals on a monthly to a quarterly basis, depending on the frequency of the appointments. Once the therapy goals have been met, there is a closing session, the counseling relationship is ended, and the client can stop attending sessions. In some cases, the client can also establish new goals and determine if I am a good fit for their therapy needs or if they need a new provider, in which case I provide multiple referrals.The counseling relationship could also end due to other factors like noncompliance= when a client is not committed to the agreed treatment process, or when the clients or a counselor violates the counseling relationship. Either the counselor or the client is able to end counseling. Although, as mental health providers we need to provide a reason for terminating our therapeutic relationship and referral options, as a clientno explanation is needed, a closing session is highly recommended. Cmo termina la terapia?Cmo un consejero decide cuando terminar las sesiones de consejera o terminar de trabajar con un paciente?Para poder determinar el final de la relacin del consejero, debemos comprender las metas y parmetros de la terapia. Usualmente durante la evaluacin inicial se identifican metas a corto y largo plazo con el cliente, y se discute con el cliente como esas metas sern alcanzadas. Durante el proceso de terapia el consejero revisa las metas mensual o trimestralmente dependiendo de la frecuencia de las citas. Ya que las metas de terapia son alcanzadas, hay una sesin de cierre y el cliente puede terminar la terapia. En algunos casos el cliente puede identificar nuevas metas para la terapia y determinar si el mismo consejero u otro consejero le pueden asistir. La relacin de consejera tambin puede terminar por no conformar o violentar los parmetros establecidos para la terapia. Tanto el consejero como el cliente pueden terminar la relacin de terapia. Como proveedores de salud mental los consejeros estamos obligados a proveer un razn para la conclusin del tratamiento y proveer referidos segn aplique, los clientes no necesitan proveer una explicacin, aunque es recomendable discutirlo en una sesin de cierre."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "It is usually time to end counseling sessions when it is clear to both the client and the counselor that therapeutic goals have been reached and enough improvement has been made that the client can continue without that support. There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part this is when counselors begin termination. For some clients, this is an easy process that marks the achievements they have made in working through their emotions and difficulties. For some other clients, however, this is a difficult process in which they are losing a valuable support and are understandably anxious about what life will be like without the frequent meetings. Ultimately, termination is different for everyone, and there are many ways that termination can be healthy and helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "As a therapist who believes in client self-determination above most other elements of the process, I want to as much as possible leave it up to the client to determine when they are finished. In the case of a termination because a client's distress has resolved, I might periodically check in with the client about how therapy has been going, and if we want to re-evaluate where we are.The more unfortunate situation would come about if I felt that I wasn't the best fit for the client. I would offer that in words, and ideas of therapists (with names) of who I thought might be a better fit and why. It still is up to the client whether to continue, however should they want to keep seeing me, a part of the work would be about that want (to see someone who professionally doesn't believe they can help as much as someone else.)I also find it perplexing when I hear a client (or on a personal level) tell me that their therapist said they \"didn't need therapy.\" I don't know that I buy into that scenario all that much, because I do believe that yes, not everyone NEEDS therapy, but that everyone CAN benefit from therapy and I don't believe it is the therapist's job to deter someone from ever seeking out help of any kind."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "Ideally, termination should be a mutual process. It's not that the therapist kicks the client out at some point and says, \"Okay, you're done.\" Rather, over time the client will decrease the frequency with which he/she comes to session so that it may start off as weekly, then decrease to biweekly, then perhaps once every three weeks, then once/month and so on. Throughout this process, the therapist and client should have had regular check ins about progress toward goals. If the client feels good about where he/she is in life, he/she might decide to suspend therapy for now. That being said, the therapist should make it very clear that if the client ever decided to return for \"maintenance\" therapy or a check in, he/she would always be welcome.There is no hard and fast rule to ending or a particular time period in which it must end. What matters most is that the client feels good about it and knows that the therapist will always be there should he/she wish to return."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "For a therapist, deciding to end counseling sessions or terminate working with a client is a thoughtful and intentional decision. One that is not entered into lightly.While there are many considerations counselors take into account, to help answer this question, I'll offer an example of two areas that counselor's take into consideration when ending counseling sessions:Does the client need different or more specialized care than the current counselor can provide? This requires the counselor to determine whether referring the client to another therapist or health care provider is needed.And, has the therapeutic relationship reached treatment goal(s)?While this question is specific to the counselor, I'd like to also add that a client, at any time, can end counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "In general, I usually let the client decide when this should occur, sometimes with some clients it will be a joint agreement, but even in that case it should weigh mostly on what the client feels. In short, therapy ends when you feel your done.C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "I will work with clients and continually review progress with them and determine if counseling is helping. If a client appears to have less to talk about in sessions, appears more stable for a period of time and has reached therapeutic goals I will talk about termination. Some clients however I may continue with on a monthly or bi monthly process to allow for check-ins to see how they are doing and if they need more help at that time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "There are several reasons for a counselor to decide to end counseling. A major reason to end counseling is if the counselor feels that he or she does not have the skills or experience to work with the client. This may happen during the intake process or after working with the client for some time. If the clinician feels that the client is not benefitting from the therapy, it is ethical to suggest that the client terminate the therapy. The process of termination must not injure the client and, if necessary, the clinician may need to refer the client to other treatment modalities. Another reason to terminate working with a client is if the client needs a higher level of care. If the client has a crisis or is at risk of hurting himself or someone else, he or she may need a higher level of care. In this circumstance, the clinician may need to involve outside services such as a crisis unit. A third reason to terminate with a client is if the clinician feels that he or she cannot remain professional with the client relationship. For example, if the issues that the client is working on bring up something significant for the clinician and the clinician feels that he is unable to separate that from the professional relationship. In this instance, the clinician should refer the client to another therapist. Finally, if the client has reached her goals for therapy and no longer needs treatment, the clinician and client should terminate treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "Counseling ends when the client has received the maximum benefit from the therapist. Even if the therapist believes the client is not making progress, the client may feel they are improving and receiving a benefit. And the therapist may see a benefit and the client does not. It is best to have ongoing dialogue with the client to determine when termination is appropriate."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "In the best case scenario, it's a mutual discussion and decision. If not, I've had the discussion initiated both ways, by me, when I sense the client has gone has far as they want, by lack of interest in accepting or completing homework assignments, missing or cancelling appointments, usually at the last minute, lack of participation during sessions. Client initiates by asking me pointed questions about why the need for homework assignments,, by forgetting their calendar, or their checkbook :) , by suggesting that we make appointments over longer intervals (once a week to once a month, for example). I rarely have had to terminate a working relationship--that's why I don't charge for the first visit, so we know if we are a good fit before we start working together. Then I periodically ask whether the client feels we are making progress, moving in the right direction, talking about the most relevant issues etc."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "In my therapy practice the decision to end therapy is mutually made together with the patient.Otherwise, the person can end up with a sense of tremendous rejection and abandonment.The way you'll both know therapy is coming to a close is that the discussion will feel lighter and move easily.The person's mood will be better, they will smile more, sit in their seat in a more relaxed way, look more at ease, take better care of their appearance.One of the ways to end therapy is to gradually decrease the frequency of the sessions.Sometimes people who are in my practice start to come each three weeks, then monthly, then every three months.This gives a sense of security, friendliness, and casualness to the therapy, and de-medicalizes it as though the person was treated for a medical symptom and the symptom stops completely one day.Talk therapy is about life and life problems usually end gradually.I end my therapy in a way which mirrors the life process in which many interaction and situation problems show their effects gradually and show different effects over time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "Hi there,There are a number of reasons why a therapeutic relationship might end including, but not limited to the client reaching their goals, the client reaching a place of acceptance where they wish to remain or even a breach within the relationship. The last aspect should likely be taken to supervision in order to be fully processed. All of these things could happen, and usually happen organically (again, except for the last example).Your question, however, was about the counselor ending treatment. This is a bit more difficult and can be very nerve-wracking. It may be beneficial to take this with you to supervision, as well. It's important to understand why you feel the need to end or terminate with the client, as well. Do you feel that they would be better suited for another therapist, have they achieved their goals or is it something else?In regular, open-ended sessions, I try to make a point of checking in with the clients fairly frequently. In these check-ins, I use the time to ask the client how they feel about the sessions and if there is anything they wish to focus on more astutely. I also ask if they have any immediate goals that they would like to prioritize. In goal-oriented sessions, I check in more frequently to ensure that both the client and I remain focused and, should they wish to shift their focus, that they recognize it is part of my responsibilities to make sure we move back to the desired goal.Often, especially in longer term therapeutic relationships, we as clinicians can see that the client has reached their goal, however they are apprehensive about ending therapy. This is actually a great place to go with them; why would they feel unable to handle issues in their external or internal environment without you? Often, having this open discussion can increase empowerment and mastery. That said, it could also highlight other issues which the client may have been apprehensive about going into within therapy and now, as the relationship seems to be ending, feels more confident in bringing these up.In the case where the relationship is a toxic one, terminating with a client may be the best option for both of you. It's a difficult conversation, but recall that part of the role of the therapist is to model that these discomforts can be managed.I hope that this brief response can assist you going forward!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "This is a question that is very specific to each person. There are definitely some variables, but I can give you some general ideas for when counseling might end:When a client has met all of their goals, at least to a degree when they feel that they no longer need to work on them with the assistance of a counselorSometimes a decision is made that a client is no longer benefiting from counseling at a certain timeSometimes clients have to remain in counseling in order to receive medication. This depends on agency policy, but sometimes it is a requirement. If the medication is necessary and cannot be prescribed by a primary care physician, frequency of sessions is usually decreased greatlyI'm not sure why you are asking this question, but it is also something that is often discussed at the beginning of treatment. Oftentimes \"discharge goals\" change as treatment progresses because more is known about clients, their goals, changes in their goals, and many other things. Changes are normal, but your counselor probably has discharge goals in mind, at least generally, from the beginning. I strongly encourage you to ask about it!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that this hashappened.Counselors are legallyand ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests.In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage ofa client financially.A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselorpays it back) wouldusually be considered to be taking advantage of the client.There are a few options you have at this point ifyou can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let themknow what has happened.An investigator will then look into the situation for you. Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Do you want this therapist to have your credit card information?If not, then cancel the credit cards that you believe may now be accessible to this therapist.Therapists are expected to keep very clear boundaries between the therapy work and not have other relationships, such as \"friend\" or \"money lender\" with someone who is their patient.Therapists are never \"friends\" with their patients.Letting you believe that you are the therapist's friend, is a violation of professional ethics and almost definitely, a violation of the Consumer Protection laws in your State.Start by dropping this person as your therapist. He has broken too many ethical standards to be worthy of offering therapy.Think over if you'd like remaining friends with this person, whom you describe as lacking integrity and stealing from you.If you need help getting back money from him, then contact the police and talk to a detective about what has happened so far. The detective will advise according to the laws in your community and State, whether to file a police report, and what steps are necessary to utilize the Court system to get back your funds.If you'd like doing future patients who may be treated to similar ways by this therapist, a favor, go online and file a complaint with the therapist's Licensing Board.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Therapists, regardless of the discipline (i.e. licensed professional counselor, social worker, psychologist) are expected to put the health and well-being of the client first. Each professional discipline does have a code of ethics as well as a licensing board in each state. In order to get licensed the therapist must agree to abide by the highest standards of conduct including state, local and federal regulations in addition to the code of conduct. You do have the option of reporting this person to the appropriate licencing board in your state. The other concern is if this person has unauthorized access to your credit card. If you did not give it to him or authorize use this becomes a legal matter that you can also report to the legal authorities in your city or town. Therapy and counseling are effective because professionals gain the trust of the client. Betrayal of that trust by crossing boundaries and developing a relationship outside the therapist/client relationship is hurtful. Please know that the vast majority of counselors are highly ethical individuals who put the welfare of the client first."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just wanted to get to know one so I can hear about their college experience and the courses they took. I also wanted to know if they enjoy their job and how long they were in school.", "answerText": "It's a great idea for you to reach out to find a psychologist to talk to if this is a field you might be interested in pursuing.Regarding the length of schooling, it generally takes 4 years of college and an additional 4 to 7 years of graduate school to earn a doctorate degree to become a psychologist.There are also other similar professions, including counseling that don't require a doctorate degree. Licensed counselors generally completed 4 years of college and an additional 2 years of graduate school.If you are thinking about a career in psychology, the local APA chapter would be a good place to start to find a local psychologist to talk to. Here's a link to the NJ APA chapter:https://www.psychologynj.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just wanted to get to know one so I can hear about their college experience and the courses they took. I also wanted to know if they enjoy their job and how long they were in school.", "answerText": "Mental Health is an exciting and rewarding field. I hear you saying that you want to be a psychologist, and that is one path to working in mental health. You could study psychology,social work or counseling to become a practicing therapist. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate and a Licensed ClinicalAddiction Specialist. I currently provide assessments and supervise several counselors in a large clinic in Asheville. I also have a private practice online. I studied Sociology and Interpersonal Communication as an undergraduate, and then I received a counseling masters degree. My master's degree was comprised of several supervised practice courses and theory courses. I really enjoyed my education, and I find my career equally rewarding and enjoyable. If you are considering working in the field, I recommend emailing several counselors, social workers, and psychologists in your area and setting up an informational interview. Not everyone you contact will be willing to give you their time, but many may. This will help you determine which path to therapy may be right for you. Licensing restrictions and abilitiesvary state to state and a local practitioner may be able to provide you with a specific list of challenges/triumphs about their particular license and education. Psychologists are usually PhD level practitioners and require more education to begin. LCSWs , LPCs and LMFTS can practice with a master's degree. Best of luck! This is an exciting time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?", "answerText": "This is a great question.In general it is not appropriate for counselors to accept gifts from their clients.There are some exceptions to this general rule - including a recognition that there may be a valid cultural aspect to this type of gift giving.It might be best to simply offer your counselor a holiday card as an expression of your feelings. You could also talk to your counselor about the gift and ask if him it if would be appropriate.In the end, I know he would most appreciate just knowing how much the counseling meant to you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?", "answerText": "I don't think it's appropriate to give your counselor a bottle of wine. Your counselor helped you and supported you, which is great, But a gift is inappropriate. I can understand that you want to show your gratitude. There are many other ways to do that. You could drop your counselor a note or card, thank him in person, or tell him how much he helped you. These small gestures can be very meaningful for both of you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?", "answerText": "Hi,Different therapists are guided by the ethical guidelines of their own associations or colleges when it comes to receiving gifts, so this may differ a bit from therapist to therapist. It's important to me that I be sensitive to cultural norms, and to my client's needs. In Canada, and the US, it is customary for people to sometimes express gratitude with a small gift, and I have from time to time received small tokens of appreciation because I believe it would be rude to refuse this. It is never necessary to give a therapist a gift, but if you wish to express your gratitude in this way, I don't think it's inappropriate."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist.", "answerText": "It can be really frustrating to feel like your counselor is not providing you with the help you need.My recommendation in a situation like this would be to let your counselor know how you feel. Specifically tell Your counselor that you don't seem to be getting the amount of feedback you would like.If this doesn't help, then you might want to look for another counselor who will be a better fit for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist.", "answerText": "Hi Anaheim,Relationships with therapists have some things in common with other relationships; they work best if there is dialogue about what your hopes, thoughts, emotions and needs are. Are you letting your therapist know what your goals are? It's okay to say \"I'd really like us to focus on this piece\", or \"I'm looking for specific direction about how to manage this part\". Your therapist is wise if they ask questions that determine what your needs are, but they can't read your mind.Not every therapist will be a good fit for you. I know I'm not a good fit for everyone I meet. We have different styles; some are more passive and focus on listening. This might be the type of therapist you have. For some people this is what they want, but maybe it's not for you. Maybe you want someone who digs at you more, asks more questions, gives you strategies, lets you know what they think... someone more active. If this is the case, it doesn't mean s/he's a bad therapist...it's just not what you're looking for.Sometimes people think they can't end sessions with their therapist; they might be worried about hurt feelings. But, in the end, you don't owe your therapist anything if you feel it's not working or it's not a good match. Just move on and try someone new. Maybe ask them questions first about their style, even.Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm worried I should see a therapist due to past events and current mental status. I'm just so unsure of how to ask my doctor about seeing someone.", "answerText": "Having this kind of conversation with a doctor can feel difficult. But remember, you are the expert on you. Any good medical professional will recognize that.You are absolutely right to think about the importance of being your own health care advocate. Generally, the best approach is simply to be honest. Let your doctor know what you are concerned about and tell your doctor what you think might help. If there is a specific issue that youd like to address in counseling, let you doctor know about it. And dont hesitate to directly ask for a referral.I know this may all feel a little overwhelming. It might help to bring a family member or significant-other with you to provide support when you talk to your doctor. Its great that youve already taken this first step to reach out. Youre on the right track."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm worried I should see a therapist due to past events and current mental status. I'm just so unsure of how to ask my doctor about seeing someone.", "answerText": "Thanks for your question. I'm glad you realize that you need extra support and are being proactive. Simply explain to your doctor the feelings you have been experiencing and how you feel that speaking with a mental health therapist would be beneficial. However, keep in mind that you do not have to go into detail about your personal feelings. You can simply state that you are feeling down, overwhelmed, stressed, or whatever it may be.I'm sure your doctor will be glad to direct you from there.Best of luck you you! I hope that you will be feeling better soon!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "In case you feel some relief to know you're feeling the tone of our times.We live with crumbling of our values which then gives rise to insecurity everywhere. If someone doesn't know what their values are then its difficult to do anything, and right now everyday we hear uncertainty in what used to be our basic assumptions.You're more normal for noticing and feeling stressed than if you imagine life felt fine the way it is!One road to take is to accept that there are no clear roads forward. This means to change long term goals into shorter ones.Also, in general the more focused you can be as to your particular wishes, motivations, interests, and people about whom you care, the greater will be your sense of confidence that your personal world is as secure as it can be for right now.And, it helps too to know that nothing lasts forever, eventually all of what is up in the air will start to land in a much more clear way."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "Part of handling stress is making sure that your perception of the stress is accurate. Sometimes stress can seem more than it really is. One thing that I encourage my clients to do is to ask themselves, \"What is this stressor really about?\" Simplifying stress is a key to minimizing stress and leads to feeling less stressed out."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "There are many causes for feeling stressed out. Between a demanding job, family responsibilities, and everything else that can come up, stress becomes more and more part of our everyday life. One of the best ways to combat the toxic effects of stress on our bodies, social lives, and overall well being is to engage in self-care. But not the self-care that most people think of like vacations or massages. The best self-care is the kind that helps you live the life that you already have rather than escape it. You see, the reason why vacations and massages don't work long term in reducing stress is that they allow you to escape from what is causing the stress without truly fixing it so you just return to what already stressed you out. So, instead you need to find ways to help live with the stressors that you already have. They can be things like creating a more manageable schedule, introducing healthy eating or exercising, financial planning, and even learning a few simple relaxation skills. The key to combatting stress is to make small but consistent changes to your life so that it becomes more manageable and more enjoyable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "Something different works for each of us.There are the outward answers of self-pampering and making your home and work environment as pleasant as possible.A deeper level way to decrease stress is through exercise or alternative practices like yoga or tai chi.If the stress is more deeply rooted than temporarily feeling irritated for a few days, then give yourself some time to reflect and clarify what the meaning of the stress is to you.Self-understanding and appreciating your efforts to know yourself may decrease stress because you'll be more focused and attentive to who you are. This will influence you overall to make good decisions for yourself and these will naturally be ones which decrease stress as much as possible."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "Our body reacts to stress typically by breathing more shallowly, increasing our heart rate and tensing our muscles - so one thing that I find really effective is to try to do the opposite of that, which sends the signal to our mind that we are relaxed. So that means, taking slower, fuller breaths and trying to relax any areas where we might be gripping our muscles. Check out meditation apps such as 'Breathe', which can talk you through a relaxing breath exercise. I recommend using the app daily, whether you feel stressed or not, and then also using it when you re feeling particular moments of stress - that way you are practicing the skill when you feel calm(wish) and it'll be ready and able to help you when stress hits hard."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "Learn how to meditate. I recommend a Mindful Based Stress Reduction MBSR program."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm in my late 20s. I have two jobs right now, I'm in school, and I feel like I just have a lot under my belt right now. I get stressed out really easily. I tend to worry and over-think. I'm just worried about money and everything.", "answerText": "A good start is to pay attention to some basic issues: sleep, nutrition, exercise and socially supportive relationships. A great car on an empty tank will not get you very far."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it a type of fetish, or is it normal?", "answerText": "Maybe it is a way to secretly satisfy your own wish to be or to live life gay."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I am a young adult, and I was sexually assaulted by an older man when I was a teenager (which has really intensified the guilt/shame). However, I've been attracted to much older men since I was even younger than that.", "answerText": "Sometimes the reason for being attracted to older men is because of growing up with a father who was distant.If you grew up having enough interaction with your dad to know you'd have liked more and didn't receive this, then maybe your longings of childhood are still active within you.It is ok to like older men.Just be sure you're not idealizing them, or anyone else.Because regardless of age, a relationship is based on who the two people really are, not how we'd like imagining them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have been experiencing a lot of sexual tension with a lot of the guys that I talk to nowadays. I keep imagining having sex with them. I have never had sex before, nor have I had a boyfriend. I feel lonely and empty. I feel like my body is not okay, and I am missing something. I talk to so many boys in school, and I always fantasize about half of them. I want this feeling to stop because it is interfering with my time to study since most of the time, I am busy thinking about sex.", "answerText": "Hi Montreal, I'm glad you wrote. What you're experiencing is normal. We're sexual beings. We have a built-in desire to connect sexually with others, because it feels good, to keep procreation going, and mostly to \"connect\" with other people, because connecting with others makes us feel fulfilled and valuable. Sexual desire is a healthy part of you. Maybe your body is telling you it wants to dive into that water and taste it instead of just staring at it? It sounds like you're beginning to explore yourself sexually, and that's okay.At your young age, you also have another innate burning desire, and that is to know yourself. I see both of these desires burning and competing in you. It's a bit of a crazy time...you want to connect with others but you're not sure who you are or what you want from them. You want to know yourself but you can't learn about yourself in a vacuum.It's okay to trust your instincts. It's okay to connect sexually with others, as long as you're preventing disease and pregnancy and you know how to protect your boundaries. But even as I write this, I think maybe I'm being controlling and overprotective of you; it's your body and you're in charge of what happens to it! (But I do want you to be safe...whatever that means to you). Maybe talk to someone you trust.With each encounter you have with other people (sexual or not), you will learn more about yourself and what you want, both sexually and just in relationship or friendship. You will develop a sense of who you are.Have you tried to get to know yourself sexually? This is a super place to start, and knowing how your own body works can give you confidence when you eventually connect with others. When you explore your own body, what feels good? What brings you to orgasm?I wish you well as you explore both who you are and how it feels to connect with others safely. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Back in high school, my friend and I used to masturbate around each other. I hate even talking about it now because it's so weird. We didn't even realize how messed up it was at the time. One time, it escalated and we ended up doing it for each other. It wasn't supposed to be a gay thing, but it sure sounds like it now that I talk about it. I pushed this away until it recently came up in my head again. I'm having a lot of trouble.", "answerText": "Writing about your high school masturbation times with your friend, is itself a form of acknowledging the full picture of who you are. You are doing well to reflect on your actions in the truthful way you are doing.Also positive is that you have perspective, that at your age and social maturity, you were innocently doing something that in adult terms, would be considered in a negative way.Maybe through your more mature mind's eye of today, you can feel some compassion and understanding for your high school self. This way your sense of self-judgment may start to dissolve a little bit more."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "These \"jokes\" are made about everything. They seem to have the need to say something \"funny\" about everything. It's not funny, just awkward.", "answerText": "I agree, it is awkward when people make jokes about subjects which may not be funny at all. And, if a person only jokes, then after laughing and realizing the person has nothing of themselves to offer, this can also be quite tedious.Realize that you are more aware of human interaction having many levels of expression. You could start avoiding people who irritate you by the way they behave."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My best friend and I were pranking her friend, and I told her to tell him that she likes him. She said no, but I forced her. After she told him, he told her that he likes her too. Their friendship is ruined because of me. She won't forgive me, and I feel really guilty. I feel like crying.", "answerText": "In order for your friend to forgive you she'd need to trust you understand the damage you introduced into her relationship with her friend.Its possible if you offer your friend expressions of your empathy toward her over an extended time, possibly she'll forgive you.You're certainly learning relationship lessons on how to treat people and the effect of betraying another person, which will last forever.Maybe this was meant to be the outcome."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My best friend and I were pranking her friend, and I told her to tell him that she likes him. She said no, but I forced her. After she told him, he told her that he likes her too. Their friendship is ruined because of me. She won't forgive me, and I feel really guilty. I feel like crying.", "answerText": "This takes time. I don't know how long it has been, but perhaps if your friend is willing to discuss other things with you for a little while, you could discuss this at some point in the future.Hopefully the true intentions will become apparent (in the idea that it was a prank).Also, I encourage you to look at how this is affecting you and how you feel about yourself as well. If it was meant to be a joke and it did not work, that is not entirely your fault.I wonder how you could forgive yourself for what happened?Are you able to seek what you meant to do compared to what actually happened?Do you notice that not everything that has happened here is in your control?Do you recognize that even though you would like things to be better, if your friend is not ready or willing, you are trying to do your part to make it right?Maybe everyone who is/was involved in this can talk together all at the same time to set straight what is truth and what was misunderstood.I wonder if you can think of your own positive attributes (for example: honesty, compassion, trustworthiness, friendship, good listener, caring) and look at what truly exists within you rather than just one your friend is able to see right now.This can be really difficult for multiple reasons, not the least of which is that it involves more than just you, so it's important to focus on the idea that you can ask these other people who were involved to discuss it, but that is ultimately up to them.Best wishes for looking at the positive parts of yourself and your friendships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was mentored by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure?", "answerText": "You may intuitively be sensing what many professionals in the social sciences and psychology have already understood.Just Google \"psychopaths and leadership\" and many articles come up about boardroom politics and that psychopaths are very successful in these roles.Theoretically, is it terrible that corporate leadership qualities match those of psychopaths? Well, yes. And, I consider your question as a mark of your sensitive awareness toward other people. Being able to recognize social dynamics, is a strength that you have.Psychopaths know how to be charming and to twist words so that others believe that their own interest is the same as the psychopath's.I agree with you about not being able to change people's minds who are attached to this person's interactions.The only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity, and you have evidence of this, that you contact relevant authorities.No one is allowed to break laws, including psychopaths."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I was mentored by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure?", "answerText": "It doesn't really matter what the actual diagnosis is, and whether or not he is an actual psychopath, he has manipulated and lied to you, and that is enough reason for you to stay far away from him. Men (and women) with these characteristics can become violent. They can also make your life difficult by creating financial or legal trouble for you. Again, forget about him, and contact the police if you think he is in a position to harm others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?", "answerText": "I understand the feeling of not being liked due to not having any responses on the sites you list.More than likely the non-response has less to do with liking you than w liking the way you write your messages.Have you tried asking a question in your posts? This would be one way to invite people to answer your post.When you write, imagine yourself as the reader of the post.If you think about the wording of a question which would motivate you to respond, then this formula will very likely be the same for many others who read your post.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?", "answerText": "Sorry to hear your friends aren't responding to you. If these friends are in-person as well as online, perhaps going to them in person and asking talking to them about your concern. Perhaps it's the way you send messages or the way they are receiving them. if they say no, then a simple request to respond to your messages. Measure the result and notice if there are even small differences.Also understand, why this is so important to you. Ask yourself, why it's so important for you to receive these messages from friends. What does it mean when they don't respond."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?", "answerText": "I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time.I wonder about how your friendships are in person. If you get along well with people and have effective conversations with them face-to-face, there could be some kind of technology-related problem.Have you tried gently talking to people about how you send a message and they didn't answer? If you can phrase it in such a way that they recognize that you are asking for information and not blaming them for not answering you, that could be effective.I'd also encourage you to consider how much this is bothering you. If it is causing a significant amount of anxiety (say, more than 5/10 if 10 is really anxious), I would suggest talking with a local therapist.In the meantime, consider talking about this with someone you trust to whom you can get more details to get a more specific answer."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "She mostly targets me on social media. The bullying used to be much worse, but it is still going on. The comments are so vague, but I know that they are meant for me. Even when I confront her, she messages me short phrases to try to get in my head. If I try to fight back, she will ruin me.", "answerText": "Sorry to hear of your problem situation. Feeling intimidated by another person is very unsettling.Stop having contact with the person.Bullies only interact with others either by intimidating someone or by themselves feeling intimidated by someone.Bullies do not have the same dynamics as everyone else.No one can convince or persuade or talk a bully out of their behavior.The best protection for yourself, assuming you are not being physically threatened by the person, is to close contact with them.This does not take away any of the disappointment or sadness of wishing for a better relationship with the person.Until the bully wants to interact differently with others, only harm can result from contact with them.Step one is to stop the bleeding, then to assess and learn to live with not having the person in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's really hard to not have negative feelings about friends who don't put any effort into nourishing our relationship.", "answerText": "One thing I would ask is \"why are you still hanging with those {friends}?\" A relationship needs to be nurtured by both parties, it is a dynamic fluctuation between two people. I would ask you to question why you continue to remain together as friends, I always believed that a relationship should emit positivity towards all parties involved, if your in a relationship that is one-sided, it is inevitable that it will start to de-compensate. Never travel with the circus, never travel with fools, everything in life should have some positive payout, will things at times be negative, of course they will, but in order to keep something or someone in your life there should be more positivity than negativity.Hope this helps, C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It's really hard to not have negative feelings about friends who don't put any effort into nourishing our relationship.", "answerText": "Interpersonal relationship (either positive or negatives) need to or more persons who give and receive: attention, dedication, time and communication. But what makes friendships special is that they last trough time, at least with those who we call our true friends, those who know us well and whom we have a special connectionand those from whom we disconnect at times, without fear of losing them.Consider what is that you are going trough yourself and with your relationship, talk to your friend about your concern; let him (her) know that you would like to spend more time together. Plan an activity that you both enjoy or try to discover a new hobby. If your friend is not enthusiastic or engaged, give him (her) some time and focus your energy spending time with other friends or enjoying activities in solitude. After a waiting period, call again to let your friend know how you are and that you are still a friend. If you continue feeling rejected, analyze why you value this relationship so much and consider if its worth to maintain it.Mis amigos no ponen esfuerzo en nuestra relacin.Es muy difcil no tenerles sentimientos negativos a amigos que no se esfuerzan en cuidar nuestra relacin.Las relaciones interpersonales (negativas positivas) necesitan dos o ms personas que den y reciban: atencin, dedicacin, tiempo y comunicacin. Pero lo que tienen de especial las relaciones de amistad es que perduran a travs del tiempo, al menos con los que llamamos nuestros verdaderos amigos, los que nos conocen bien y con quien tenemos una conexin especial, y de quienes nos desconectamos en ocasiones, sin miedo a perderlos.Considera que est sucediendo contigo y en tu amistad, conversa con tu amigo(a) sobre tu preocupacin, djale saber que te gustara pasar ms tiempo juntos. Planifica alguna actividad que les interese a ambos o descubran algn nuevo inters. Si la respuesta de tu amigo(a) no es positiva o entusiasta, dale tiempo y acrcate a otras personas que compartan intereses en comn, o dedcate a hacer cosas que disfrutas en solitud. Despus de un plazo, vuelve a comunicarte para saber como esta, y dejarle su amigo(a) de siempre est ah. Si sientes que tu amigo(a) no tiene ningn inters, buscar hacer nuevas conexiones, y enfcate ms en ti y en otras actividades. Si tu amigo(a) no responde, analiza porque valoras esta relacin, y si conviene mantenerla, aun cuando tu amigo(a) no responde a tus esfuerzos."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having problems shutting them out and putting up walls.", "answerText": "It sounds like you would like to let other people get close to you and at the same time you are finding yourself compelled to keep people at a distance. Often times, when we have difficulty trusting others, it is because we have specific fears about what would happen if we get close or let our guard down. Such fears may be rooted in past experiences in relationships in which we were hurt and or disappointed. In working with a therapist, you can gain insight into what is underneath your compulsion to put walls around yourself and develop ways to form authentic, lasting, satisfying relationships with others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I'm having a quinceaera, and the girls don't like their dresses. They never told me, and now it's a week away. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "How did you find out that the girls aren't happy with their dresses?Did you hear this directly from one of them or is this third hand information that someone else told you about one of the girls in your party?The answer matters because gossiping instead of directly telling you about a problem, is a problem in itself.I suggest a conversation with the entire group of girls in which you tell them how you actually are feeling about their opinions about the dresses.One topic you may consider bringing up is what everyone expects to get out of the party. Are they coming because they like one another and wearing a dress in which the girl is happy, is only one way of having fun together?You may learn a great deal as to the difference in values about a quinceaa among you and your friends.I hope you'll have a fun party!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Staying present is an attitude most of us aspire to, and most of us have to work at itcertainly at first. Im here to tell you that living in the now or being mindful is a skill anyone can learn. Unfortunately, the only way to do it is to do it. What a paradox! But there are plenty of other skills that we are not born with: walking on stilts, riding a bike, swimming, and driving a car are good examples. You cant learn them by reading about them.Having said that, I can recommend two books on the subject: Eckhart Tolles The Power of Now and David Richos When the Past is Present. Richo asks that we dont beat ourselves up about dwelling on past events. This is natures way of reminding us that we have unfinished business. But while we are attended to the wounds and confusion that litter our earlier lives, we can prepare to inhabit the expanded present that awaits us.He offers three helpful steps to making any important life change:Step One: Hold in awareness the behavior, belief, attitude, or characteristic you want to change in yourself and how you want to be different. Awareness is the opposite of distraction and stuffing.Step Two: Live as if you have already made the change. (This is hard and takes courage, but you can do it. Ride that bikeeven if for a foot or two.)Step Three: Be persistent. (Practice, practice, practice.)Just as two-year-olds are able to walk confidently after hundreds of hours of practice, youll be able to stay in the here and now as long as you want after trying and failing many, many times."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Would you describe yourself as sensitive to your surroundings and emotions?If yes, this may explain why letting go of past problems, is itself a problem.The dynamic of living one day at a time and letting go of past problems, is more imaginary and wishful than real.It is a popular notion of TV, FB, and media.Doing the letting go, has nothing to do with what is actually possible to do.Problems are not \"let go\", they are resolved somehow.Living one day at a time isn't possible for anyone who has consciousness. No one can really disconnect from reality every day on which they wake up.Instead of trying to do the impossible which is promoted online and in media, allow yourself time to recognize what went into creating a problem in your life, in the first place. Understanding problems leads to peacefulness and resolution. Then you will have more freedom to make new relationships.Also, be patient with this process and yourself.If you have deep attachment to painful situations in your life, then possibly now is your time for understanding what went wrong.This is a process which cannot be rushed if it is to be done well.If it is done thoroughly, then you very naturally will bring new relationships into your life.And life will no longer feel so painful that you can only manage \"one day at a time\" without hurting. You won't need to forget what happened yesterday."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Hi Chapel Hill,I like your goal; research is telling us more and more that one of the most important keys to happiness is having healthy relationships. If we feel successful in that area, it can give us the confidence and hope to tackle anything life throws at us.There are personal barriers we all have to having healthy relationships; it's our \"stuff\", our \"baggage\" (not a steam trunk, right...you have a cute little Gucci bag!).You hint that people may have hurt you in the past. Maybe fear says \"stay away...hold onto resentment or you will be hurt again!\". Resentment, or simply focusing on the past is certainly a barrier to improving any relationship. Learning to forgive ourselves and others is so important. And remember...forgiveness isn't about saying something was okay; it only means \"It happened, I can't change that, and I don't want to carry it (anger, hurt, resentment) around anymore, so I let it go.\"Or...sometimes fear tells us that people won't accept us; this keeps us isolated for sure! But really, all fear wants is power over us.Fear is a trickster! It tells us that if we let go of the past, we will be rejected or hurt. It says \"I'm trying to protect you!\", but what it REALLYwants is to paralyze and isolate us all so it can feel powerful. Once you pull thesheeps clothing off of fear, you can see that it doesn't help you at all!Once you see where your personal barriers are, and you start to refute those thoughts in your mind, you can begin to build new ideas about yourself and other people that are based on compassion instead of fear...Everyone deserves forgiveness and compassion.No one deserves to be judged by their worst moments.If I look in the rearview mirror, I can't move forward.We are all beautifully imperfect.I can't change the past, but I have the power to make the future good.I wish you the best on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Take one day at a time!!! Each day do things that make you happy, moves to a positive place, focusing on the future, give you a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment. Journal at the end of the day of how well you did that day in focusing on these things. Each day should be a step better than the previous day. You will have days that you didn't do as well....that is human and OK. Just get back on track the next day....At the end of the week, review how well you did and give your self a grade. If did well, you deserve ice cream, etc. If not so good, OK....tell yourself next week \"got to focus one day at a time\". You can do it....it takes practice but will get better each day, I wish you happy days and happy future..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Remember, the past no longer exists and the future is just an illusion as we don't know what will happen tomorrow, so take the present as your guide. That is all we can do, so keep saying this to yourself and try to help someone each day. The happiness is helping others to feel a bit better."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "In this argument my friends are all against me so I'm wondering if I'm exaggerating my feelings. I feel like I'm being attacked and that is making me blow things out of proportion and taking the role of the victim, when in reality I'm the one being unreasonable and I am simply annoying my reasonable friends. Or are they really being insensitive and not respecting me in our friendship?", "answerText": "Conflict is a tricky beast and shows up in everyone of our relationships.What I'm reading is that you find yourself in a loop of seeking validation of your thoughts and feelings from your friends rather than validating yourself. Am I right? If you aren't validating yourself, no one else will be able to either. Try finding a small nugget of truth in the feedback your friends give you, this will help to lower your defenses and help your friends hear what you are really sharing. And then if you are still feeling vulnerable, share that too..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "They're calling me names like hypocrite and a baby even when they act in the same manner as I do. I'm tired of being called names. What should I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like your confused as to why your friends would be calling you a hypocrite when they act in the same manner, correct? Communication is key to any relationship. I would recommend speaking with your friends face-to-face to address why they feel your behavior is concerning.In-person contact is the best method of sorting out differences considering texts, emails or any written response can be misconstrued. Be upfront with them and let them know that being accused of hypocrisy is hurtful and you feel it is unfounded. If after speaking with them you feel that they have valid reasons for the way they are feeling, maybe you can consider modifying your behavior accordingly. Especially if this friendship is valuable to you. However, make sure they are aware that there is a respectful way to address these issues and name calling is not one of them.On the other hand, if you feel that their reasons are indeed unfounded, it may be best to distance yourself from the relationship. Not all friendships are healthy ones. And it is important that you surround yourself with people who are an asset to your self esteem as opposed to those that hinder it.I hope you are able to get this matter sorted. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?", "answerText": "That's a very difficult situation that you are in. But you are not alone. I have several school-aged clients who find little to no assistance from their teachers at their schools regarding bullying.There are a few options that are available to you to help deal with being bullied at school. One option that I would suggest is for you to talk to your support network. Friends and family can sometimes be good sources of support. Another option would be to speak with us about your counselor, if you have one. And third, there are some excellent online sources of support regarding the bullying at school (www.stopbullying.org)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?", "answerText": "Teachers don't do anything about it due to liability of the school (school and faculty would get sued and have claims made against them); wouldn't expect much out of them;Couple things:1) Realize that bullies accuse others of the very crimes they are doing themselves;2) Bullies aren't actually all that weak as others have said, but do not stand up against constant pressure of truth-telling;3) Research yourself, or pay someone, to locate the bully's mother and father, and let them know what you have experienced (by way of text, phone, letter, etc.);4) Access your own mother and father and tell them what you have experienced, and see if they will help;Long term, society must return to a more masculine way of being such that these sorts of troubles are dealt with at the home :)Learn to be man/woman, and watch the magic happen."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?", "answerText": "To be bullied is very painful.I'm glad you know the bullies are doing the wrong thing and whatever they are telling you is pure meanness.Depending on how independent you feel, why not tell either your classroom teacher or schedule an appointment with the vice principal?Bullying other students is taken very seriously in some states and schools are expected to address the bullying until the victimized student feels safe.If you hesitate to do this on your own, then would you ask either of your parents or even a friend of yours who is also in the school, to report the problem?In case you are afraid the bullies will retaliate for reporting them, then tell this to whatever school authority you decide to ask for help.You're entitled to be protected by your school."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?", "answerText": "It doesn't sound like he hates you, just misses mom and dad in the mornings. You could validate his feelings by saying something like \"I know you want to see mom and dad right now, but they are working\" and then give him a couple options of things that may take his mind off of it. This could be choosing what he has for breakfast or playing a game of his choice. If possible, it may also be helpful if you could create a routine in which he stops by mom and dad to say good morning. If this is routine, he will come to understand that he will be able to see mom and dad for a minute and not become anxious about seeing them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?", "answerText": "Be lighthearted, this toddler may not be a morning person! He is most likely wanting to connect with either parent when he arises in the morning. It could be helpful to talk with his parents and establish a routine that he would be comfortable with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?", "answerText": "It is very likely the child is upset by the fact that the parents have left, more than that he hates you in particular.The fact that by afternoon he is happy with you shows more likelihood that he reacts to the parents departure more than who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. Im unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?", "answerText": "You should be able to get a replacement ID card either from the Personnel Office on your local base (the actual name of this office will vary depending on which branch of the military it is). You may also be required to go to the Military Police or Security office on base to report the loss of your old ID card."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. Im unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?", "answerText": "Do you have any other form of identification? The first place to stop would be the Visitors Center or whichever department issues passes. They are located outside of the gate so you do not need a military ID to enter. If you have another form of identification its possible that they can give you a pass in order to go and obtain a new military ID.If you do not, you could always ask someone else to sponsor you on (a friend, coworker, etc.) that have military access. Depending on the threat level, they may not need your ID as long as you are with someone that has access. Keep in mind that currently (6/11/15) all military bases are on Bravo which unfortunately means you will need your own ID.Finally, if all else fails, call your doctor and explain your situation. Im sure they would be more than willing to discuss your options.Also, its important to make sure that you report your wallet being stolen if you havent already. Security Forces on base can help you with this and to ensure your ID doesnt get into the wrong hands.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. Im unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?", "answerText": "As a prior military spouse myself I can happily report that you have several options in this case. First, you can go to the visitors center and let them know what has happened to get a temporary pass for a new id. Also, you can call the squadron commander or other official from your husband's unit to get them to tell you how to proceed. You can also contact the military personnel flight for more information The best thing is to get a new id as soon as you can. There should be no problems because it was stolen and yu might need to report it to the military police or security forces on base."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.", "answerText": "This is a great question, and I am happy to have the opportunity to explain my approach. When I am determining what type of personality a client has, I take my time and really absorb their lens/ point of view to themselves and others. Determining a personality type takes some time getting to know the person, and building rapport. After taking time to get to know them, and learning about their view they have of themselves and others, it is important to pick-up on more specific personality traits, which comprehensively contribute to a personality type. Clinicians, including myself, often witness certain traits that are enduring and consistent, which indicate a type of personality. For example, if a therapist is noticing that a client is exhibiting traits of organization, needing to be on time, planning, and perfectionism, these traits contribute to the \"type A personality\".In addition to utilizing clinical judgment, clinicians often use personality assessments and follow the guidelines of the DSM-5/ ICD-10."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.", "answerText": "That's a great question. There is such a wide range of ways to define \"personality\" that it is difficult to identify specific characteristics that are used to identify personality types.That being said, some clinicians will use standardized tests (or assessments) to assess a client's type of personality. While these tests can't tell us everything about a person, they can help us understand where we are within larger groups of different personality styles.Some counselors will also use a diagnostic tool (like the DSM or ICD) to help a client understand a diagnosis that is related to a personality disorder."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.", "answerText": "Not very well :)So, you got the Jungians, and you got the Big Fiver's, and you got every manner of Ivory-Tower Orc in between, loosening the chains on their drooling, snarling Pet Theories...The real truth is, does it matter? If it does, what does it matter?If it's still of keen interest to you, I would presume that God designed most of his creatures with a \"simpler set\" of personality blueprints; not a complex set as theorized by man;Also realize that this level of reality is dualistic in nature; that means there is two of everything;So, imagine that whatever personalities you observe, and whatever words come to mind, also think of the opposite word, and you'll have a good sense of what actual personalities look like :)Then, share your findings; it'll be pretty neat to see what you come up with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.", "answerText": "In my therapy practice I avoid characterizing people except for whether or not they are self-harming or a risk to harm other people.As long as someone is sincerely trying to know more about themselves my work is help the person clarify who they really are and how their true self may be quite different than the life the person created for themselves, based on satisfying other people's standards.In broad terms, personality disorders have stock characteristics which change very minimally over time instead of uniqueness which constantly flows and changes with circumstances over time."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "I think we all go through a period of time where we think we aren't worth anything. Sometimes these feelings are a result of low self esteem or because of shame. The most important part of dealing with this thought is to separate feelings from reality. \"I don't feel worth anything, but I know what I do is important, I know who I am matters to others. I know I am loved and cared about.\"When you find yourself having these thoughts, stop, take a few deep breaths and try to reframe what you're thinking."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "There is nothing wrong with you! Sometimes we get intrusive thoughts that can be worrisome. One things that can be helpful is to identify if there is a trigger to these thoughts - something in your life that makes these thoughts more common (an experience, a person, a place, a situation, etc.). It will also be helpful to try and challenge this type of thinking by focusing on ways in which you are worthwhile as a person and have worth in your life. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) may be particularly helpful with this, also. If you are open to seeing a therapist, find one that does CBT. You can also find resources on CBT online. It focuses on stopping and challenging unhelpful and harmful thinking patterns and replacing it with more helpful and healthy thinking patterns."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "We all suffer from random thoughts from time to time. Being able to manage your thoughts and choose what to think about yourself is something you would learn in counseling. An effective treatment modality for this situation is cognitive behavioral therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "A lot of times the thoughts we have about ourselves are messages we have received from other people and later internalized them. So in that sense, these thoughts are yours and belong to you, but you have received these messages from somebody else. Even though we all receive messages like this at times, it pays to be careful not to ignore other messages we are receiving, such as a loved one appreciating your help or attention, a friend responding to encouragement, or a colleague showing interest in you. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Those kinds of thoughts can be quite difficult to handle, but if they are your own thoughts (and not voices you are hearing, which can be very different), they likely are not new to you. From what I've learned from clients I work with, often these thoughts have been quite useful for them over the course of their lives, that through criticizing oneself, it is a way of motivating oneself. However, in your case and in most of those clients, it has caught up to them and it's almost like they no longer need the motivation (that they can do just fine motivating themselves by themselves!)I think it's important to see these thoughts as the voice of the \"inner critic.\" That inner critic was there for a long time, again, because \"it\" (I like to identify it as a thing inside of you) thought that you needed motivation in the form of criticism to stay on task with your life. But now that that kind of sentiment is no longer needed by you, it might be time to have a different kind of relationship with it. But it wants to be heard. It doesn't want to silenced (Or \"stopped\" in your words.) So instead of trying to ignore it, perhaps we can see all the ways you are worth something and internalize (take in, let those ways resonate with you, sit with them, think about them) so that the inner critic can see that it isn't quite correct in what it is saying. In essence, you are instead sitting with the thoughts or worthiness instead of worthlessness.If that is challenging, sometimes seeing someone who is objective, such as a therapist, can be helpful. They can help you see the ways in which you are strong, have resilience, as well as any positive attributes that might be hard to see in the face of this loud inner critic. And, above all, if you feel like this doesn't resonate for you, and that the voices might actually be voices, an evaluation should be sought to further tease out what sorts of symptoms you are experiencing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "We have thousands of thoughts a day. Some thoughts we choose to think, and some thoughts are random as you describe. We can't control the first random thought but as soon as we become aware of it we can make a conscious choice to change the thought. Positive affirmations are messages we intentionally read to or tell ourselves to help us counteract negative thoughts. If you find yourself under stress on some days more than others you may notice an increase of these negative thoughts about yourself. To help you neutralize your negative thoughts and make it more natural to randomly think positive thoughts about yourself you might find it helpful to work with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. This professional can help you build insight into your errors in thinking, help you develop a stress management plan, and provide you with additional tools to boost your self-esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Many people have thoughts like those you describe, and often it feels like someone else is saying it because they are things that may have been said to you when you were very young. When young children hear negative things about themselves they tend to internalize these negative ideas and to form negative core beliefs. The good news is we can learn to stop these thoughts and to replace them with healthier thoughts. The first step is to catch yourself when you are thinking these thoughts, and to stay \"stop!\"; then replace it with another thought. So for instance, maybe you fail a test or get rejected by a romantic interest. You catch yourself saying \"you aren't worth anything\". Stop this thought, and replace it with \"You didn't do as well on that test as you would have liked. Let's figure out how you can do better next time.\" Or \"she may not want to go out with you, but someone else will\". So the idea is to develop a voice of a \"friend\", who can tell you the kind of things you would say to your own best friend. You might also pick up the book, Feeling Good, by David Burns. He gives many tips for how to change Negative Self Talk."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Talking to a licensed profession who can discuss this in greater depth can be best.As a general information, in short, I can say that our thoughts are greatly influencedby our early life experiences. Our thoughts are processed through schemes, these are mental images or templates by which we make meaning of the world around us. While our upbringing has a great influence on the way we see and interact with the world around us as adults, However, we are not condemned to abide by them for life, in psychotherapy, you learn to change negativeschemas with positive ones. Yeah, if you had less than optimal childhood you would have some sort of negative schemas that unconsciously lead to self-sabotage your efforts for success and happiness. The research in the field of interpersonal neurobiology suggests that without conscious awareness and reflective practices we tend to interact with the world by repeating old habits of mind. On the other hand, in psychotherapy you can learn helpfulstrategies to increase your conscious abilities to stay in control of your mind in the present moment and reduce intrusions of negative mind habits.Yoga, meditation, and taichi are also found to increase self-awareness and lessen the intrusions of negative self-judgment on one'spsyche."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Life is beautiful without unwanted thoughts and stress. With proper strategies and tools it is possible to regain control over your thoughts. I guess you are just having \"thoughts\" and not actually \"hearing voices\"? My suggestion is to see a therapist and go from there."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "First off, there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, having random thoughts we feel we cannot control is actually quite common and normal. Sometimes our thoughts think they are protecting us (if we think we aren't worth anything, it won't hurt when we get rejected) but they are actually doing quite the opposite. They are keeping us \"stuck\" and creating a self-prophization. (If I think I am not worth anything, I don't have to try, and I will keep proving to myself that I am not worth anything). There are many techniques to work through and start to change our negative self-talk. There are actually many self-help workbooks that can help with this as well. A technique I like to use is meditation or mindfulness. This can teach us to accept our thoughts (not fight them) and then learn to let them go. Release the power they have on us. If we can learn to release these and not ruminate on them, this will give us the space to allow more positive and supportive thoughts to come in. Mantras can help with this as well (I AM worth a lot, I AM important, I have value). Saying these to yourself everyday over and over (even if at first you don't believe) can retrain our brains to believe it (and allow us to believe it). I have even wrote positive mantras to myself in my bathroom mirror so I am forced to look at these throughout the day.Please remember to not be hard on yourself as you begin to attempt to change the automatic thought patterns. It took a while for you to get where you are and it will take a while for this change to kick in and feel normal. So allow the process to happen slowly and allow yourself to accept you as the amazing and brave person you are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Those critical thoughts most likely came into your mind as the way you understood what one of your parents or some other adult who was very meaningful to you, at a very young age.When we are too young to distinguish whether what a grown person tells us, feels accurate, we absorb their opinions as our own.Your question shows you've reached the point of emotional maturity to know that your opinion about yourself is not the same as what is inside your emotional brain and stored there since you were too young to know that someone else's opinions are not necessarily your opinions.Nothing is wrong with you, everything is right with you to wonder how to more firmly establish your own point of view.Start the habit to revise any viewpoints about yourself which don't feel true.Then replace these thoughts with better ones which you decide on your own.After a while of doing this you'll either automatically think the more positive thoughts about yourself or at least be in the habit to know that negative viewpoints about you are not necessarily true."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?", "answerText": "Sometimes it's helps to have a name for a problem - it can make you feel less alone as in, \"oh there's a name for this and other people have this experience too.\" On the other hand naming the problem can also make it stick around longer as in \"now I have a special problem that has a special name, and that's an important part of who I am.\"Bottom line, whether it's a disorder or not, you would like life to be easier and not have to be pulled so much by other people's energy and feelings. You might want to try imagining that you have a volume dial on your empathy (just like the volume dial or button on the tv) that you can gently turn down to the point where you still feel what's going on but it's not so \"loud\". You can also try imagining pulling your own energy back as if you were drawing your energy back home to the center of your own body and being, letting go of the other people or characters that pulled your energy out so far. This is a way create better boundaries and protect your own vulnerability. Just like on an airplane where they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else, your empathy will most likely not really help others if you allow yourself to be depleted."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?", "answerText": "It sounds like this would be difficult at times, particularly if you feel misunderstood.You may or may not know that we all have chemicals in our brain. We also have different sections of our brain that become active when different things happen. There is a part of our brain where a lot of our emotions originate that is also designed to protect us when we are going through things that have been physically or emotionally painful in the past, and when that part of the brain is sometimes overactive (perceiving threat when there is no actual threat at the time), sometimes anxiety can develop. This doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has an anxiety disorder, but often if we are afraid of something that is not actually a legitimate concern (for example, most insects are not going to hurt me, but I still do not like them very much), we have anxiety about it.The first thing I thought of when I read your question is that perhaps some part of your brain are overactive. I did find an article that may be helpful to you, but I just want to caution you. Not everything listed here applies to you. Also, the article uses the term \"brain anomalies.\" This does not mean that there is something majorly wrong with your brain. While I cannot tell you exactly what is happening, I'm asking you not to panic over the term and to just consider that perhaps some of the chemical reactions in your brain may be a little overactive, which may be able to be corrected with medication or something similar. I can't tell for certain from what you posted whether or not this is what is happening, but I would recommend that you either talk to your primary care physician or a therapist or psychiatrist.Here is the article:http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2012/09/too-much-empathy/When you meet with your doctor or a therapist, please try to convey how much this is affecting your life.Thank you so much for posting here and I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?", "answerText": "The world needs more people lately who have such a high degree of empathy which you describe in yourself!If it feels a little burdensome, then look to balance what is too much with its opposite. Since you're giving a lot of empathy, maybe you'd like receiving a lot of empathy.In the situation you describe, when you start empathizing with others, real or cartoon, ask yourself whether you've felt empathy coming in your direction lately.Often people give to others what they feel within themselves is missing.The emotional brain reasons that if I give you my support, say, then at least I will feel half of what being supported is like.Obviously the wish to receive more empathy cannot be fulfilled by you directly. Empathy is delivered by someone who is willing to offer it.Reflect on whether you are allowing those who are in your world, to know when you would like to receive their empathy.Is it possible you keep your feelings to yourself and present as though you are able to handle a great deal more than you'd like to handle without anyone's kindness to support you?Being open to others about your own inner thoughts and feelings is much more difficult than it sounds.It sounds easy to just tell someone how you feel.Sometimes the first step is the most difficult, of accessing how you feel.Start with knowing the amount of empathy you'd like from others and what stops you from asking.Also, about your diagnosis and the lack of studies and lists and formulas. Each person is unique, the instructions and guidelines don't necessarily mean very much. Often having a diagnosis makes a person feel weak, stigmatized, incompetent.Forget the diagnosis and concentrate on what you need to do differently in order to feel better.The answers are inside you, not inside a book or website."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist for you is very important and can sometimes be tricky. It can sometimes take a number of sessions to get a good sense of whether you and your therapist are the \"right fit.\" The first couple of sessions are generally spent on gathering information, formulating a plan of treatment, and building the client/therapist relationship. The client/therapist relationship will be very different from other relationships you have experienced. You will know you have found the right therapist when you notice there is agood rapport between the two of you. You will get a sense that the therapist \"gets you\" and understands the issues being presented. If you feel that you can trust your therapist and feel comfortable opening up and providing feedback during your sessions then you know it is a good fit.In terms of \"how to train your therapist how to give you what you need from treatment\" the therapeutic relationship is collaborative so the twoof you will be working together as a team. During your sessions,the goal is for you to feel comfortable giving feedback about what is working and what is not working in your sessions. When you express your needs to your therapist then the two of you will discuss the best ways to get those needs met in order to maximize the effectiveness of your sessions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "If your therapist is attentive and compassionate to what you are sharing then you will know you have a true connection with him or her and that he or she is the right match for you. Having a therapist who has a good location and inviting office is also a good sign that you have the right one!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "When you find the right therapist, you will feel understood on a deeper level. You'll feel that they not only understood what you were saying, but that they were also able to catch the \"in between the lines\" part and put into words what you have not been able to. The relationship with your therapist should be collaborative, there should be a fundamental element of safety and trust. A strong relationship with your therapist takes time to cultivate, but by the second or third session, you'll know if that therapist genuinely see's the world from your perspective and has a plan to get on how they will support your growth through this journey."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The most important agent of change in therapy is your relationship with your therapist. It is so important for you to find a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable enough to just lay everything out there and be vulnerable with. Therapy is really building a safe and healthy relationship with a professional that can then help guide you in some of the most intimate and emotional parts of your life. This relationship does take time to build, but usually you can get a sense of a therapist's personality and approach from their bio and website. Once you have found someone that you think you could really connect with, then it's about looking at do they have the expertise you need. Do they have training in relationship counseling or in working with anxiety, depression, or trauma? It is important to find an expert in the field so you are getting the best care possible...just like if you were to go to a general family doctor versus a specialist. I hope that is helpful!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You know have the right therapist if:Your counselor specializes in what you are seeking help for or they have experience with treating people with similar issues.They are ethical and are able to understand your culture or religious norms.They are licensed in your state.They are able to provide you treatment that is tailored to your needs so that you can meet your goals for therapy.They are non-judgmental and can show empathy to you.They can meet you were you are in your journey of healing and understand you.The location of the office or use of technology to hold sessions is something that you are comfortable with.Recognize that a relationship with a counselor is like a relationship with any other person, sometimes you mesh well and sometimes you do not mesh well. A counselor should never take any offense if you do not feel like a good fit with the counselor, just be honest with your counselor about how you are feeling about the relationship. If you feel the need to change counselors, feel the freedom to change counselors as you will get more from therapy if you feel like you make a good team.To \"train\" your therapist:Be honest about your needs, expectations, barriers and about your situation.Know thyself and share that with your counselor.Create attainable goals for yourself with the help of the counselor.Set the pace that you are comfortable with.Feel comfortable to share an agenda for each session."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "When you have the right therapist you just know, as evidence of the help that you have received, the progress that you have made, from the rapport and partnership that you have gained with your therapist, and from if you feel supported in a way that is helpful to you, as well as if your therapist has a good understanding of what your needs are and what you desire to gain from your therapy experience."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question. A good therapist should first be someone you can trust and second, someone who encourages you to be honest with yourself. Therapy is a time to learn new coping skills and learn more about yourself. You have the answers you need within yourself, but it sometimes takes a keen ear to lead you to those answers. This can't happen without trust and honesty. You may not always leave therapy feeling energized. Therapy can be hard work. But, you should always feel you have gained something to ponder that will help you better understand yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "If you connect with your therapist and can say whatever you want to say and not be judged."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Having the perfect therapist can be thekey to any fruitful relationship. My private practice uses Life Coaching, though I am professionally qualified in many therapeutic modalities. The therapeutic relationship is the initial step of any treatment program or goal attainment process. We can discover an appreciation of having discovered the best character to show you on this journey in excellent communication. Does the person get you and are you on the same page in the therapeutic process? The therapist should have considerable experience that combines professional instruction on the matters that you need guidance to overpower. If the therapist doesnt have all the fundamentalexperiences, is he/she prepared to locate the suitable means that you require or have the capabilities to recommend you to someone while following up and continuing a prosperous and beneficial relationship with you. If for some reasonyou are required to continue with atherapist and advance on this relationship, make certain that the communication areas are consistently transparent. Express yourself openlyin disclosing your objectives and purpose. Try to find a commonality with the therapist that encompasses various pathways of motivation for them to learn and grow while maintaining a focus on your present accomplishments. Optimal Communication is consistently the key to a healthy relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The right therapist is [a] man or woman with whom you see an immediate and continual improvement in your issue, up until the point when you no longer need them anymore.Think of them as a mechanic who should be able to fix your car relatively quickly; and, if he doesn't fix it, you fire him :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "One way is to bring one's concerns or desires to the therapist directly, rather than trying to subtly 'train' them. Here's why I say that:One quite important healing factor in a psychotherapy is discovering that problems in the therapy and the therapeutic relationship can be solved together.It is a safety zone or bridge for practicing that. If it can be done with a trained, usually safe person (the therapist), the client might think, wow--what are the implications for my outside life and relations? Could I get what I want outside of therapy, too, even if it feels not as safe?If the therapist can deal with feedback (and any good therapist should be able to), this can be very productive. Cooperation in this way, in the moment, with a live person who is supposed to have authority and knowledge in these matters, can be profoundly healing.If the therapist can't take feedback or doesn't want to--or does nothing to act on it--maybe we could say the client has the wrong therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "If you are seeking personal development and challenge resolution in a Christian context, I am the right counselor for you. I will balance the needs of your temperament with scripture, prayer, and cognitive therapy techniques."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You should feel generally comfortable with your therapist. Your therapist should be able to challenge you when necessary, and be able to provide support at other times. I don't know if you can really \"train\" your therapist to give you what you need from treatment. Definitely let your therapist know what you need or want from treatment and see what they have to say about your ideas. Do you think you are or at least will be able to make the progress you want to make with your current therapist? There isn't one \"right\" therapist for you. There should be a few therapists in your area you will work with well enough. If you can have a productive, open dialogue with your therapist and you feel comfortable enough then you may already be in the right place. If you are having lots of doubt about your therapist being the \"right\" one interview other therapists."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Your comfort with a therapist is one of the most essential aspects of a quality therapeutic relationship. Dont be afraid to ask questions about the therapists approach and background. Do you feel heard and understood? Do you find the feedback helpful and directed toward achieving your goals. Ensuring open communication with your therapist is primary to making sure you have the right therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You should like and trust your counselor. Sounds like a big ole DUH. But you will not believe the number of people I have met with that have described their past counselor as totally opposite than me or someone who didnt get me or had totally opposing beliefs as me. Suggestion to the masses, do your research prior to entering counseling! If you are someone who often cusses and is abrasive, you might not want to pick the counselor who is highly professional and uses sophisticated language throughout their site. Pick someone who is more in line with your personality and wants for your future.And even if you do your research beforehand and figure out you arent vibing after a few sessions, thats okay! Let your counselor know this, and who knows there might be something that can be done to make you feel more comfortable or maybe there isnt. But the good thing to note is that there are thousands of human helpers in your city and your counselor would be happy to provide you with a referral to a better fitting therapist.View full post here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/1/14/7-things-counseling-should-and-shouldnt-be"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I think it's crucial that a person finds the \"right\" therapist. Questions, questions, questions! First I would ask them if they have experience and training in whatever the primary issues are that you are wanting to work on. You want to make sure the therapist has the skills and experience to help you. It's okay to ask \"have you worked with these issues before?\" and \"Can you tell me what methods you use to treat these issues?\" and \"Are the methods you use evidenced-based?\" Then I would ask what expectations the therapist is going to have of you the client. Do they expect you to do homework, come with something to talk about each session, or keep a journal? See if their expectations align with what you are looking for. And lastly, I would schedule a session and \"try out\" the therapist. See if you feel comfortable and safe. As for \"training\" your therapist, I would suggest you be the leader of your therapy, ask for what you want, be direct and do hesitate to tell your therapist if you feel you are not getting what you need. They can't read your mind and would likely find that information very valuable. They want you to feel better and to make progress, and if they are going down the wrong path you should let them know."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The first thing I would ask yourself is how do you feel when it is time to go to therapy? What do you notice inside your body? Are you sick to your stomach? Neutral? Dreading it? Your body will give you indications as to how safe you feel. Your relationship with your therapist is like any other relationship...you need to feel safe, accepted and understood. You want to see someone who you look forward to sitting across from and feel comfortable talking about whatever is on your heart and mind. What are you preferences? Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female therapist? Does their age matter? What kind of therapy do you want to do? Do you know? If not, you might want to talk to friends or family who have done therapy and ask them what they liked or didn't like, what worked for them and what the process was like. You can always talk to a prospective therapist about all the questions you have (Have they worked with others with your issues? Have they ever been in therapy? Where did they go to school? What kind of training do they have? Etc.) You may not know in the first session or two if you have the right therapist but pay attention to how you feel while you are there. Your therapist should check in with you and ask how you are feeling. If it's not a good match for you, your therapist should try and help you find someone who will be a good match. Your trust and connection with your therapist is the biggest indicator for success in therapy. Both of you should be concerned about your alliance and any good therapist will want you to find the best therapist for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You can certainly ask the therapist questions such as their style or issues they have experience working with. You can also determine whether a therapist is the right fit if you feel a connection or alliance and feel that you are working together toward your goals. It is important to be open and honest with your therapist about what you are looking for in counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Though this varies from person to person, I think finding the right therapist involves finding someone who you're comfortable opening up to and speaking your mind, including your preferred areas of focus for treatment. It's important to be aligned with your therapist's general approach and, to find someone who you feel genuinely attuned to, both in practice and also, with who they are as a person. Bringing up your needs for treatment is key and finding someone who validates your needs, listens and welcomes feedback are all important building blocks for creating space for a great working relationship that promotes personal growth, openness and invites adaptable approaches in session, based on your individual needs."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "How do you know anything is \"right\" for you? I think it's an intuitive process, and not always based on the objective expertise of the therapist, either (most psychotherapy research has concluded that the client-therapist relationship is the strongest factor in success in therapy.) But, in my view what is important to check-in with yourself around whether or not the therapist can hold space for all that you come in with (for example, not expressing discomfort with things you might talk about is a big \"run away\"), challenge you enough where you feel like it is challenging you to grow, but also where there is some part of you that does look forward to the sessions.How to \"train\" your therapist? This could be a session in and of itself I must say:) The therapist-client relationship can resemble many of the relationships in your life, or those that you seek out. A therapist, like anyone else in your life, won't be able to give you what you need 100% of the time and then expect that you will be able to function outside of the space. That can turn into a highly enabling process that won't help your other relationships. However, what the therapist can do, and help you deal with, is to tell you what they can and can't give you, and then process the disappointment that you feel when they can't be everything you might feel you need."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The most important part of therapy is finding a therapist who is the right fit and you feel you can connect to. Feeling comfortable with your therapist and feeling that you can be vulnerable is what will assist in helping you find what you want out of therapy. It also sounds like discussing with a potential therapist your expectations for therapy. Also, I would read up on what the therapy process is like so that you are aware of the role the therapist is supposed to play in your life. As long as a therapist is ethical and not breaking any ethical practices, find someone you connect with and can share with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist for you may take time - or you may find one the first try. Two important things to think about when first finding a therapist are do I feel safe? and do I feel heard? The first time seeing a therapist can be anxiety provoking. It may be uncomfortable. Unless there are giant red flags about a therapist (things beyond meeting someone for the first time and answering uncomfortable but important questions), I always suggest seeing a therapist 3-4 times before making a decision to try another. It may end up that you feel like your therapist isnt the best fit for you, but again, I encourage you to give them a couple times before moving on. When you get past the initial sessions of paperwork and gathering information, you can gauge the client - therapist relationship better, and when you find the right person to work with, you will know it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Quick Way to Assess a Great TherapistA colleague and I were discussing the characteristics of successful therapists. I gave him some traits, some of which were listed by Robinson (2012). The therapist should be able to listen to your story, build rapport, establish a relationship, demonstrate empathy, adapt treatments to the client/situation, use effective communication skills, exhibit confidence in use of therapeutic techniques, and repeatedly update skills with ongoing education and research. You should talk with the therapist. In addition to asking the therapist about his/her experiences and specialty in treating the issue you want to address; you will gain a sense of the therapists ability to connect with you in your first phone call or meeting with him/her. This is why I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation. You can use the above criteria to gauge the therapists ability to do the following: Hear you, join with you in understanding the issue, and indicate some ways in which the issue may be treated.Regarding training a therapist, just ask the therapist if he or she can comply with what you are looking for, or what has worked with you before if you have had prior counseling. If you just like a therapist to listen, you are looking for a non-directive therapist. If you want one to be more active in guiding you, choose a directive therapist. You can also ask them with which type of client/issue they work best.I specialize treating anxiety and relationships and would like to talk with you if you have questions about how I may be able to help you. Jim Ciraky PhDLicensed Professional Counselor GA, USAAdventHelp.com404.293.5654"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The therapeutic relationship should be collaborative. The client is the expert on their life, and the therapist is the expert on helping the client to develop their sense of being. Growth occurs as a result of challenges. Therefore, I would suggest not looking to train the therapist, but rather to find one that will help you develop into the you that you desire to be. Finding the right therapist is like finding a pair of black heels. Not just any black heels will do. But when you find them, you just know that your search is over. It is also wise to expect that they wont always feel comfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You'll know you have the right therapist when after the first few sessions you feel comfortable enough to tell them things you wouldn't tell anyone else. It's important in therapy for that rapport to be built from the beginning and that you as the client feel comfortable enough to share what you need to share. You shouldn't feel judgement from your therapist and you should be able to trust the advice your therapist provides. Therapy isn't about advice, don't get me wrong, but to truly implement the changes that need to be implemented to improve your life you need to trust the person giving the advice. Your therapist should have your best interest at heart and truly listen to what you have to say. The therapist should be willing to meet you where you are in your world and attempt to see the world from your perspective to truly understand what you have been through. You need to feel comfortable in therapy to be yourself and say what's on your mind. Therapy shouldn't be something that should be dreaded but it can get uncomfortable depending on the depth of the things being discussed."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist can be difficult, especially if you've never tried it before. Things to consider are location, availability and what specifically are you looking for. Some practitioners specifically only work with a certain type of issue (i.e eating disorders, adolescents, anger management, life transitions, anxiety...etc) and others can work with a variety of concerns.As far as training your therapist, you can't. You simply let them know what you are looking to work on or what you think may be an issue for you. Depending on the way they practice(their style of working with clients) is how they will then decide to make a treatment plan that works best for you.You can always ask them their specialty practice population, the problems they generally help others with and what type of mental health provider they are (Psychologist, social worker, licensed mental health counselor)."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Choosing the right therapist can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming. I know many people come to therapy with hesitations and potential fears but a therapist should be there to help you along the way and support you as you build a trusting and collaborative relationship. You won't have to \"train\" your therapist to give you what you need. Through open dialogue and feedback you and your therapist, together, can determine what works best for you. But do remember that being able to trust your therapist to guide and support you is key. So if you're having a hard time connecting with your therapist after 3-4 sessions, you will want to bring it up to them so you can discuss any barriers and if needed, request a referral for another therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Counselors do not expect to gain your trust during the first session. Trust is earned and gained through the therapeutic process. You may know you have the right therapist if you feel a lack of judgement or even unconditional positive regard for the choices you make in therapy. Good counselors will keep you accountable for your actions without making you feel ashamed of the choice you made.Counselors already have the training to give you what you need in treatment, and if they don't they are ethically obligated to refer you to a provider that does. That being said, the first few visits with your counselor will be goal oriented- creating realistic and obtainable goals that will allow you and your therapist to see positive change when it is made."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You will know you have the right therapist when you feel at ease and comfortable to share deep feelings.You do not hold back and feel total acceptance and validation by your therapist. Listen to your feelings and letthem guide your decision.Your therapist and you will work together to decide what is best for you with regards to the type of treatment, frequency andduration. It is about collaborating and deciding together on the treatment plan that will help you to achieve your counseling goals."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The most important thing is it has to feel right. While that sounds vague and not very scientific it is the most important part of therapy. Us counselors call it therapeutic rapport and without it therapy is not very effective. You want to know you can trust your therapist, that you are not being judged, that they respect your privacy, that you feel comfortable talking to them about the good and the bad. You want to feel heard and know you therapist is genuine . Not all therapist are a good fit for everyone. Go with your gut :) As an added note I recommend going with a therapist who has done their own therapy!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "What an important question! I think one of the first things to assess is this: Do you feel comfortable with your therapist? Do you feel like you can talk openly about what's going on in your life without feeling judged? Do you experience your therapy as a safe space to process your thoughts and feelings? Feeling comfortable with your therapist is a crucial factor.Once you feel comfortable with your therapist, you can have a conversation about what works for you in therapy. Tell your therapist what is helpful, and what you don't find helpful. A skilled therapist can shift his or her style and techniques to meet your individual needs, and this may be an ongoing conversation that the two of you have during therapy.Oftentimes, there is just an X factor between client and therapist that either makes the relationship work or can make it feel like something is missing. This is no one's fault, it's just that not every therapist will be a perfect match for every client.If you feel uncomfortable with your therapist or feel like that x factor is missing, it is a good idea to keep searching for therapist who is right for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question. Finding the right therapist can be tricky because you don't really know how someone will be like until you meet them. A few ways to prescreen are to:- Visit the therapist's website, psychologytoday profile, social media, etc...- Have a phone call with the therapist prior to your first appointmentOnce you meet your therapist it is important to be clear with your wishes and expectations. We are trained in helping you thrive in your life but we cannot mind read so if you don't tell us, we won't know. Don't be shy about what you like and what you don't like. A good therapist will listen to your needs, process them with you, and create a customized plan that works for you and your life. A good therapist will also not take anything you say (even criticism) personally.Coming to therapy is hard and often times you might not want to go. What makes a good therapist is someone who understands this and tries to make you feel as comfortable as possible while you address uncomfortable topics."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I believe that the right counsellor will help you feel empowered, supported and understood. You should feel comfortable opening up and not be concerned that they will judge you for what you say or decide to do. I find this important to let my clients know during intake that they will never be judged for the decisions they decide to take while going over options in sessions together with me.In terms of what you need from treatment, please feel comfortable to open up to your therapist and tell them what you need from them. For example, do you prefer them to challenge you with questions, listen to your story and ask questions throughout or near the end, give you work to do outside of sessions? The therapy sessions will work best for you if you can help them support you in what will work for you.It can sometimes take a few trials of different therapists to find the right one so please do not give up if you feel disheartened! You should feel proud of yourself for taking the first big step in asking for help, that is not easy to do and you are on the right track already!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Such a good question! Sometimes, clients will feel like they are not connecting with their therapist and will put it on themselves. In truth, the bond between therapist and client is the #1 predictor of positive outcomes in therapy. Ask yourself these questions: does it feel like this person can come to care about me? Do they remember from week to week what we touched on? Do I feel compassion from this person? Do they allow me my difficult and painful feelings too, or do they try to rescue me? On your other question - I suggest you ask your therapist what goals he/she has for your treatment. See if they respond with interest and participation, or if they become clinical and distant. Ideally, you and your therapist jointly develop your goals, and check on your progress on a frequent basis. I don't know if you can actually 'train' your therapist - we can be a hard bunch to train! :-) - but you can definitely tell your therapist what works for you, and what didn't work, at the end of each session. How they react will also tell you a lot about whether this is the right person for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question. There could be a few ways to know that youve found a good fit and you and your therapist are therapeutically compatible. First, I would recommend listening to your intuition and pay attention to how you feel, if there are feeling-indicators that you are comfortable, feel safe and willing to open up and share your story. Second, do you feel the therapist you are considering will support and challenge you in ways you need. Some therapist offers a free consultation. This might be a good opportunity to take advantage of.Stephanie C, MA, LADC, LPCC (pre-licensed)www.stephanietherapy.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Good question!The client's job is to concentrate on stating the details of their problem and to thoughtfully engage in a dialogue about these areas with the therapist.The most difficult job for a client is willingness to self-examine, hold oneself accountable for relationship and life situations, and honestly feel the difficult, often painful feelings and insecurities which troubling situations create.The client doesn't train the therapist.If you feel you are with a therapist who requires you to train them, then politely decline continuing to pay for their services.Then find yourself a different therapist who feels secure and knowledgeable enough in their skills to not require training by their client."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Thinking whether or not you have the right therapist can be overwhelming if you are not sure what you want or need. But think of this, you feel safe and comfortable that you share what youve never told anybody. You feel understood and listened to. You feel their support. You trust them. Do you believe they can help you? If you do not, then that might make it hard for you to want to open up.As far as how would you how to train your therapist to help you. If you know what you need all you have to do is share this with your therapist. If you dont know then therapy is a collaborative process so both you and your therapist will work together to figure out your needs and how to best meet them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The \"right\" therapist is a combination of expertise in the areas where you require, and fit as far as how comfortable you feel in speaking and sharing with that person. People generally are quite good at determining whether or not someone fits well with their personality and style; and another key to know whether therapy is working is to ask yourself: \"Do I see that changes have come about since working with this therapist?\" Do I feel better? Am I reaching goals that I set at the onset of therapy? Are difficult situations becoming easier by how I handle them? Training a therapist really isn't necessary, as all it requires is open and honest communication in order to give effective feedback that will in turn be helpful to you and your goals."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You have the right therapist if you feel safe with that person. Safety consists of feeling that who you are and what you say is valued. The right therapist is not an 'all knowing person you must obey'. He or she is a person with skilled knowledge who respects you as a partner in your self discovery. The right therapist is also one who is kind"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a really important question, because you don't want to waste your time and money with a therapist who is not a good fit for you. I think the most important factor that makes a good therapist match is trust-- do you trust this person to be able to help you meet your therapy goals? There are few things you can do upfront to test this out, without spending a dime. First, ask for personal recommendations from friends or others. If you know someone who had a great experience with a certain therapist, you'll feel more confident in that person right off the bat. Second, do your online research. Google the person's name and read everything you can find. Many therapists are starting to develop more of an online presence because they know that's a way future clients can develop trust without even stepping in their door. See if they have a blog, social media posts, or even just read the tone of the content on their website. This might give you a glimpse of their therapy style. Finally, you can call or email potential therapists and provide a brief overview of your presenting problem and describe what you're looking for in your ideal therapist. It sounds like you have a specific idea of what you're looking for... most therapists will be honest if they don't feel they're going to meet your expectations. Some therapists offer free short phone consultations which can help you both decide if you would work well together. Do your homework upfront, and you'll be well on your way to finding a great therapist for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's more than just normal, it's expected! Quite honestly, there are a very few days where at least one client hasn't cried during therapy throughout the day.-IJP"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes it is absolutely normal! A good therapist can help your feel safe enough to really identify painful wounds. There are some things that need to be cried about before they can heal. Therapists are fine with tears and buy tissues by the case.That said, if you don't cry during therapy it doesn't mean you are doing it \"wrong\". As long as you feel safe and have a sense that your therapist \"gets you\", and you feel progress during your course of treatment, you are doing therapy \"right\"!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely it's normal to cry in therapy sessions. Sometimes clients have stories they never shared with anyone or never said out loud and that results to crying. Crying is a normal reaction to feeling hurt or sad or sometimes angry. I welcome all crying to my therapy room."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying in therapy is a natural response, a relief to what you are going through. It is an expression of emotions, which is why you are going to therapy - to express yourself in a safe, nonjudgmental space.Rather than trying to stop crying, sit on the couch with it until it is done and you have finished with the clearing. The energy is not blocked, is moving - a good thing. It's good to cry."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Although not everyone cries in therapy. In my opinion crying is a emotion that some express in therapy. Crying is something that some express when its hard to discuss situations that may have never been discussed, When discussing traumatic experiences, and at times crying has even happened to some of my past clients when they have had a breakthrough in their therapy process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is generally very normal to cry in therapy, and for many reasons. Therapy should be a safe space to explore emotions as they come up and how you cope with these emotions. I would encourage you to talk with your therapist about crying and to explore your experience of emotions/feelings. Sometimes people will apologize for crying. However, emotions and expression of emotions is part of being human. There is no \"right\" or \"wrong\" emotion to have. How we express and cope with emotions is more of something to explore in therapy if it is hindering your life. Either extreme of keeping emotions in and avoiding or feeling like your emotions run your life/struggle to regulate your emotions is something to explore in therapy, as this is often the most distressing and troublesome for people. Hopefully this provides some insight."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is absolutely normal to cry in therapy. Therapy is a place to be honest about and explore your feelings without feeling judged. Honesty is the only way you will benefit from therapy and that means being willing to look at your true emotions rather than avoiding them."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely! Therapy is the best time to have the opportunity to open up and deal with the range of emotions that may be bothering you. Therapy is a safe space to take time out of your normal daily life and cope with the emotions that are hiding underneath. If, for some reason, you are not comfortable in therapy, you should address this concern with your therapist or find someone whom you feel more comfortable opening up with and express yourself comfortably."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying is clearing. It is a release of energy and toxins. Crying is a good thing and a great way to let go and move forward!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Therapy is such a personal process and often brings many emotions to the forefront, so yes, it very normal to cry in therapy. Often you are talking about your deepest challenges and fears, so it is quite typical to expect some tears when making yourself so vulnerable."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's absolutely normal. Therapy provides a space where you can be free to express yourself and experience all of your emotions fully. Crying is a form of release, and many people feel like they do not have any other space where they can let out their emotions. Crying can be a healthy way to be present with your emotions. While not everyone will cry during a therapy session, you're not the first, and definitely not the last."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Dang right it's normal, and even necessary at times.Weeping provides chemical shifts which also shift the experience you're having. Not only are their physical detoxification benefits to crying, but there are also emotional releases that come with it.Weeping can be the first step to an unclogging of a blockage, so that your energy can flow more smoothly."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "This is one of those cases where there is \"no wrong answer.\"Many people DO cry, while others do not. Some people speak quietly, others may yell, and some find it painfully difficult to say anything at all in a therapeutic setting.My office has tissues readily on hand, and any client who uses them is assured that they are free to express the emotions they feel in a safe space."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "For many people, crying is a stress-release valve. It is perfectly OK to cry in counseling!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "I love to see tears! There's an old saying, \"The eyes are the windows to the soul.\" External emotions are a pretty good indicator of what's going on inside the person, and if tears are present, that often means the person is processing (i.e., moving forward) through their emotions! I'm more concerned when I don't see tears from my clients because that can mean the client is \"stuck.\" So, don't feel bad for crying! You are moving through your emotions to a place of healing!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Cry? Of course you can cry!Therapy is a safe place where you can be who you are with no fear of being judged. Every counselor/therapist is dedicated to protect the confidentiality (with some exceptions) of all that happens in session. Crying helps to release tension and help secure free emotional space. It may provide you with the presence of mind that therapy demands."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely normal! Therapy should be a place where you can feel safe to explore and express all of your emotions. Some clients may cry easier than others and there is no \"right way\" to do therapy. I have many clients who cry each session. And I have many other clients who cry periodically. And I have others who haven't cried once. Each person is different however therapy should be a place where you feel safe expressing yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Of course! There are some people who will never cry during sessions and some that always cry. In counseling you may be talking about very vulnerable topics and experiences and it may even be the first time you are talking to someone about your concerns, thoughts, or feelings. It is perfectly natural to cry if you are so moved."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it's totally normal! Crying is a part of processing the tough stuff, no matter your age, gender or background and the therapeutic session is a safe space to do this. Sometimes crying can offer relief or provide room for deeper authenticity in session as you let both your strength and vulnerability shine in alignment."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying during a therapy session is not unusual. When we are in a safe environment, such as a therapists office, it allows us to disarm our defenses. By disarming our defenses we are able to feel and express our emotions. Oftentimes, these emotions result in tears. I personally feel that crying in a therapy session is the one of the most beautiful parts of the healing process."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is very normal. Some people cry frequently, but not fully. Theyre good at crying but never seem to heal from whats hurting them.Crying is supposed to be good for you. Tears contain toxins, after all. And feel-good chemicals are released in the body whenever we cry tears of sadness.Never judge your feelings while youre having them; theres always a reason somethings a big deal to you.Cry for your own pain, not just for others. Crying in movies and when listening to sad songs is a good way to let off some built-up emotion. But you may not be dealing directly with your own hurts when that happens. Remember its okay to cry for yourself.Let yourself cry over spilt milk. You dont have to wait till somebody dies. You can cry about anything that triggers you, no matter how seemingly trivial.Dont set a time limit on tears. Your heart will decide when enough is enough. If you connect with the true source of your pain, youll find its finite. But you dont get to dictate a time limit for your sorrow. Be patient.Pick up where you left off. If you have to keep a stiff upper lip, perhaps because youre at work, check in with yourself later and see how you feel. Reflect on the incident in private if you feel its unresolved. Dontstressout if you cant recapture the pain. Tears are like cats: You cant lead them on a leash.Speak only kind words to yourself. When you cry, watch for self-critical and invalidatingself-talklike this:Its not that big a dealIm too sensitiveBig boys/girls dont cryInstead, say, Im sorry and Im with you and I love you. Dont say these things in order to make yourself stop crying. Say them in order to be compassionate to yourself.Cry in public. If youve never cried in public before, you may be surprised to find that many people will be drawn to you. Your tears make you vulnerable, and therefore no threat to others. Kindness is a frequent response to public tears.If you remember just one thing from this post, let it beself-compassion."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, many people cry during therapy! Crying can offer a type of release as your body reacts to the input of your autonomic nervous system. Some people release endorphins when they cry, which can make you feel better than before. If you're concerned about how much you cry during therapy, it might be good to discuss with your therapist. They may be able to make some suggestions of how to honor your feelings in a way that works for you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is normal to experience many different emotions in therapy because you are dealing with issues and situations that matter to you. Sometimes you may cry, sometimes you may feel joy, and sometimes you may feel relief. Sometimes you might even feel anger. Everything you feel in therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and help you grow."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is very normal to cry during a therapy appointment. When you meet with a counselor, you are opening yourself up and sharing very vulnerable sides of yourself. Through this deep introspection, emotions (sometimes unexpected) can come out and this is completely okay and very healthy. Research has shown that crying reduces pain by releasing oxytocin and endorphins and reduces stress through the release of stress reduction hormones."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Definitely. Therapy helps us work through the tough stuff. Its a safe place where we can let our guards down. When you are getting things out verbally, a physical and emotional response is completely natural. Crying is a healthy release. Many people cry during therapy - some perhaps once in a while, and others may every session. Wherever you are on that spectrum, it is absolutely normal and you are not at all alone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, absolutely. In therapy you will be delving into topics and feelings that are often suppressed throughout daily life. As you explore many emotions may come up, anger, disappointment, grief, frustration, sadness, to name a few. These and many other emotions often lead to crying and your therapist will be there to hold space and support you through it. Crying is a very healthy release of energy so feeling comfortable enough with your therapist that it happens during session is a great thing!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's absolutely normal to cry in therapy. I imagine that you are being vulnerable and open to exploring some deep seeded issues. Also, it may be a good sign that you feel safe and held with your therapist that you are able to freely express those strong emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Change is about giving a new meaning to past experience, to allow for the emotions we stored in our body to be freed. Crying is normal and one way to process emotions to help let go and integrate our experiences."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yep. Counseling can be very emotional at times. I've recommended to clients, on occation, that they allow themselves the rest of the day off after doing trauma work."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying in therapy is definitely normal. A lot of people, if not most, cry in therapy. Why does it happen? During therapy you'll explore your thoughts and emotions. Some of them will be pleasant: joy, hope, excitement, etc., so you will smile and laugh. Others may be more unpleasant, such as grief, sadness or anger, so you may feel like shouting or crying. It's healthy to accept and feel all your emotions and to express them in appropriate ways. Crying is a good way of expressing sadness, disappointment and helplessness. If you try to cut off some of the \"negative\" feelings, you are likely to also cut off your positive ones and feel numb as a result. Crying in therapy speaks to your ability to relax and let go in the presence of another human being (essential for healthy relationships!) and it also speaks to your therapist's skills at making you feel safe and comfortable. Good for you! It's your therapy and you can cry if you want to!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is very normal to cry in therapy. Expressing your feelings is very cathartic and allows you togain a deeper understanding into yourself and how the issue is affecting you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "I would say that's the whole point of therapy! Cry your heart out. Therapy should be a place where you feel ok to be vulnerable when you are working through your stuff. It's when your mind and your heart finally meet and you make the connections you need to make."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is normal to feel an array of emotions in therapy. Most people use therapy as a way to process their life's struggles and often times this results in them crying during session. Crying is a way to release those negative emotions and to cope with what is happening in life. We have come to believe that crying is something bad at times and so have conditioned ourselves to avoid crying out in public places. In therapy though, where there are no such expectations and where you can be open and honest about how you are feeling it is normal to cry."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, definitely crying is normal during therapy. Anyone in the midst of new awareness of how they've been hurt, or feel despair or great sadness from burdensome life situations, naturally will feel tears come up.Therapists are familiar with people crying during a session and will know how to be present for you while you sort through your painful emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Therapy is by nature a safe place to discuss difficult, or painful memories or experiences and thereby it is normal that feelings of all kinds, including sadness, loss, frustration, disappointment, etc may arise. This is part of processing and bringing closure to things that may have been pushed aside for a lifetime and can now be faced and dealt with. Change too is often not easy, and can lead to crying, whether from frustration and set back...or also from joy and accomplishment!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "This is a great question! I often wonder about what normal really means. Counseling is a personal process where many emotions can be experienced by people. I I do not believe it is just you who cries in therapy. Therapy can bring out many emotions such as laughter, anger, frustration, relief, grief, sadness, and many more emotions. Talking to your counselor about your experience might provide insight and healing for you. If crying surprised you and you feel comfortable that might be something you could bring up with your counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is normal to cry during therapy, it is a time of catharsis, letting things out, shedding our skin, dropping our weights and just to let you know, even therapists sometimes feel like crying in sessions. Although people often cry or become upset, it is in no way a measure of \"good therapy\". C"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is very routine to feel all of the different emotions in therapy. I have had clients cry in therapy out of happiness, sadness, love, joy, and from laughing so hard! Yes, crying is a normal part of therapy for many people."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "1) An awareness of their own incompetence and inexperience with events in your life;2) An awareness of how the body, mind, emotions, spirit, and others all intertwine and activate one another;3) How to work to use these connections to have you improve your experience...Oh yeah, and there's some listening in there, as well :)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "Here is a list of skills I use every session, and a short explanation of what they are:Reflecting: Paraphrasing what clients have said so that they know you understand themValidating: Helping clients to know that their point of view is valuable and rationalClient-centered talk: Maintaining focus on the client in therapy sessions, rather than a therapist talking about themselvesAttending: Nonverbal or verbal cues that indicate I am listening to a client (i.e., nodding, leaning in, affirmations)Reframing: Helping a client to see a problematic behavior or situation in a different way (usually only works well after they feel heard and understood)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "I think that the most important skill a good counselor has is the ability to empathize (whether that be natural empathy, or trained, empathy is essential.) A good counselor also knows the difference between identifying with their client, and empathizing with their client. An ability to not bring in our own baggage (we all have baggage and most are \"wounded healers\") into our work, as it's not about us. If it is brought in, it should be in only a way that can help a client.And to listen...specifically to what the client is needing."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "To be non-judgemental, know who they themselves are, be able to step forward and ask questions with ease and grace into painful emotional areas.Also to respect human difference in accomplishing basic life tasks and everyday living."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "Dang right! :)Heh heh, and correct me if I'm wrong... and, if we are truly professionals, we should be able to handle even the most bumptious of folks, now shouldn't we? ;)It's like a mechanic who knows his way around every inch of an engine... he'll know what to do... heh heh heh..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "Yes, just like some relationships outside of our work are more difficult than others. But, I would not say that the \"client is more difficult,\" rather the dynamic between myself and the client, which constitutes a relationship, might feel more difficult. And that's okay (sometimes things that feel like the most challenging end up with profound shifts and outcomes.) It is often helpful to understand difficulties that exist, because they can illuminate for a therapist something with which a client might be struggling, and when it takes place in the therapy space, it can be experienced and then worked through.It's hard to necessarily say what some difficulties are that a counselor might encounter, but I would say that not showing up, like in any relationship, is one of the hardest things for me. And not just physically not showing up (though that is certainly frustrating), but not being open to the work is a form of not showing up. While not every client is as \"motivated to change,\" it's helpful to my therapist-client relationships that the client try. It might be hard for them, but the effort even to say \"this is tough for me\" can go a long way in these kinds of relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "Each counselor will have their own list of \"difficulties\" in doing therapy work with a client. Even if clinically trained similarly, since counselors are human then their response to your question will reflect their unique differences as humans.On my list is when the emotional pain I feel for someone describing some type of injustice or unfair treatment by another, feels very deep.Sometimes I feel like avoiding the pain I feel by asking questions which will steer the conversation away from the painful areas the client talks about.What in fact is necessary to clear out their pain, is to step further into so as to realize their emotional pain isn't greater than who they are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Yes, Counseling provides an area for people to speak to an unbiased professional about their concerns to address their unique needs. While length of time varies, counseling is a process and can be done from as little as one session to multiple sessions. Counseling provide a safe, non-judgmental, empathetic atmosphere from a professional helper provide the service"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Hi! Great question. I believe counseling does help people! Of course, I am a therapist, so I would think that! :) Seriously - I think therapy and counseling allow us to understand ourselves, our motivations and the things that bring us happiness and discontent. Therapy can create opportunities to try new skills and enhance positive attributes that are already present in someone. I like to think of therapy as an unbiased \"aerial view\" of our lives. Someone outside can often help us notice things we might otherwise miss. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling provides a safe environment for people to explore the beliefs about the challenges in life. The various types(modalities/techniques) of counseling serve as guides for specific individual's personal journeys."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Yes, counseling helps a lot of people, especially when there is a good rapport between the counselor and their client. Knowing your counselor is someone who is really on your side and wants to see you grow past your difficulties into a healthy, happy, successful life is more important than what kind of counseling method they use. If you are looking for a counselor, take your time and be sure you feel heard and respected as well as challenged to grow."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling definitely helps people! I have seen so many positive changes from those willing to engage in the counseling process. Having a safe place to openly share concerns with an objective listener really is therapeutic and can make a huge difference in your life. Many times people don't feel heard or validated by people in their lives, counseling call help validate your feelings and help you become more self-aware. You can learn new skills to better manage your life as well. I find the people who get the most out of it are the ones most willing to make changes."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Hi there! Thank you for your question. It's a great question and one that many people want to know the answer to. The short answer is, YES! Counseling can be very helpful to people struggling with many different things. There has been a lot of research conducted to prove that counseling is an effective way to help people with mental health concerns, life stressors, and many other issues. In addition, there are many people who would tell you that counseling made a positive, profound impact on their lives. Indeed, some would tell you that counseling saved their lives. Now, not everyone would tell you that counseling helped. But when you think about it, there are many medical treatments for a variety of healthcare issues that also do not help everyone. So, is counseling guaranteed? No. But, it is something that is worth trying if someone is suffering or is just wanting some perspective or support. Also, there is many different types of counseling. Different counselors have different styles and have different training for various issues. This means that you are likely to find someone who has a good style and expertise in an area that you want to work on. If you don't know where to go, I suggest contacting your state's counseling association. They can help. I think the real question that most people have is, how? How does it help? That question is a bit more complicated, because there are many different models of counseling/therapy that work in different ways. What I can tell you is that, regardless of the model of counseling, the relationship between counselor and client is the most important factor. I don't mean that the relationship has to be ooowy goowy... but it does have to be one where there is trust and openness. A counselor will spend time to make sure that you are working together as a team toward a common goal. If you go to counseling and you don't feel this is the case, tell your counselor. An ethical counselor will welcome your feedback. I hope this is helpful, please ask more questions! I hope some colleagues add some other thoughts, too. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counselling offers a number of ways to help one to improve their situation. For some, this process can take a very long, winding path of self-discovery, while, for others, they are seeking a purposeful, solution-based way to approach and manage a specific problem. It's important to remember that there are different styles of therapy, some of which will work great with some, but poorly with others, specifically to help those to decide how they wish to move forward. I often recommend speaking with a number of therapists before beginning treatment to find out more about how they practice, in order to make sure their style aligns with your goals.On a more specific note, there is myriad research out in the world that indicates both counselling and medication can have an affect on changing our moods and behaviours. However, medication is not an effective way of treating the problem, as it treats the symptoms of that problem (increased anxiety, lowered mood, etc.) and research has shown that the most effective route for better mental health care comes from a combination of counselling and medication."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "There are multiple ways that counseling helps people. The most basic is that it gives you someone to talk to about and through what you are facing. It is better than a friend because this is a space for your stuff and you get to focus on what you need and don't have to worry about the other side. This is also a place where you do not have to worry about how else the other person is involved in the situation. Beyond this basic level, a counselor will have expertise they can bring in terms of how people, including you, can effectively deal with this kind of situation. The counselor may also be aware of connections that you would not otherwise see. A good counselor will also recognize if and when you need other help or support in the situation. Why wouldn't you benefit from having someone walk with you in your journey to peace and wholeness."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "A counselor can do a few things that can be helpful:1) Give you a space where you can explore what's in your head without worrying about being judged or punished.2) Help you better understand yourself, your choices, your motivations.3) Give you tools and information you can use to help create change in your life.Ultimately, though, it's up to the client to take action, because action is what creates change. So, a counselor can't create change ... but they can facilitate and support it."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "No, not really;And it's impossible for it to, anyway;And, this is isn't some sort of \"you did it all yourself\" kind of blather;Because:1) In most outcomes, if a man or woman simply does nothing and waits, most of the time, they get better... (there are reasons to that);2) In most therapy sessions, approximately 92% (give or take, per study) of all outcomes--be they positive or negative--occur due to factors SOLELY WITHIN the man or woman seeking therapy to begin with;3) The word \"THERAPY\" does not imply cure, but implies treatment (suppression);4) Truly, a proper \"therapist\" will be able to spot the problem quickly, recommended proper protocols quickly, and coach to completion.5) Even if we PRESUME generosity, the \"therapist\" really doesn't matter much (maybe 8%); it really all is in you...Be well, man..."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "You are asking a room full of counselors, and so I am going to guess that we may be a bit biased :). My answer is this: sometimes. Many people benefit from counseling and when counseling works those benefits can show up through positive improvements in your moods, making more choices that align with your values, working through stuff, and a general improved sense of self. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, a counselor, the approach they are using and the person do not match up and when that happens sometimes counseling does not help. It is very important to find the right counselor for you. Ideally this should be someone you feel a level of trust and connection with who is also using a style that you feel confident in. Research has shown that these aspects (what is called the 'therapeutic alliance') along with shared goals between the client and counselor give counseling the best chance at being effective"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling is a collaborative process which involves the development of a confidential, unique, therapeutic, helping relationship. This relationship is unlike any other as the counselor will act as a facilitator in helping you better understand yourself, the world around you, your feelings, and your behaviors.As is the case with most things in life, there are both benefits and risks while participating in counseling. Counseling may improve your ability to relate with others, provide a clearer understanding of yourself, your values, and your goals, and it often helps relieve stress immediately.Along with these benefits, counseling will also involve discussing the unpleasant parts of your life, and you may experience uncomfortable feelings during these moments. But remember that using the awareness of ones pain can aid the healing process and result in better relationships with yourself and others."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Yes, counseling can help people.How this happens is bc the counselor can guide the person or couple into deeper areas of their thoughts and emotions than the person or partners would typically avoid or not even realize they are avoiding.Also, a counseling session offers emotional safety because the therapist will intervene with thoughtful questions if someone's strong emotions overwhelm them.This is different than in everyday circumstances. When someone feels overwhelmed by their own or someone else's feelings, there is no one who asks reflective questions.Last, people get better in therapy because often therapy is the first time the person has a chance to trust someone with their confidential information and know this information will always be protected."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Experts have defined counseling as a healing relationship that helps patients by providing a space to vent, process and receive unconditional support. Many of my clients have expressed that they are able to find their own answers during the session, because they have the right person listening to them. Some thought they were safe sharing their concerns with friends or relatives who are good listeners, but later they felt ashamed or guilty about what they shared. So why people should share private issues with a Counselor (a stranger)? Confidentiality is the key word. A good counseling relationship should provide a space where people are able to share their deepest thoughts and feelings, allowing themselves to be vulnerable and explore those emotions that are difficult to share without implications. Beyond the ability to provide a safe place, counselors are trained to identify symptoms and behavioral patterns, and can provide insight on how develop coping mechanisms to improve their life.I am a License Professional Counselor working on a private practice in Puerto Rico: Latitude Counseling, and also Im licensed in Texas, where I provide theletherapy services. If you would like to learn more about the services available, you may call 787-466-5478 or visit www.latitudecounseling.comCmo la consejera ayudaa las personas?Realmente la consejera hace algo para ayudar a otros?Expertos definen la consejera como una relacin sanadora que ayuda a los pacientes proveyndoles un espacio para ventilar, procesar y recibir apoyo incondicional. Algunos de mis clientes han expresado que son capaces de encontrar las respuestas a sus problemas durante la sesin de consejera, porque tiene a la persona indicada escuchndolos. Otros cuentan que se sentian seguros compartiendo sus preocupaciones con su familia o amigos, pero esas preocupaciones afectaron sus relaciones negativamente, o los dejaron con sentimientos de culpa.As que, Por qu deben las personas compartir asuntos privados con consejero, (un extrao)? Confidencialidad es la clave. Una buena relacin de consejera debe proveer un espacio donde las personas puedan compartir sus ms ntimos pensamientos y sentimientos, permitindoles ser vulnerables y explorar esas emociones que son difciles de compartir sin consecuencias. Mas all de proveer un espacio seguro, lo consejeros profesionales estamos entrenados para identificar sntomas, patrones de conducta, y proveer perspectiva en cmo desarrollar los mecanismos de defensa necesarios para mejorar la calidad de vida.Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Puerto Rico, donde practico a travs de Latitdue Counseling, tambin estoy licenciada en Texas, donde proveo servicios de teleterapia. Para ms informacin llame al 787-466-5478 o visite www.latitudecounseling.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "I love this question! Some people shy away from counseling because they think since they already talk about how they feel to their relatives or friends they shouldn't need a counselor. However, if you are having a difficult time, counseling can be beneficial in helping you move forward and get your life back on track.Counseling is not like the kind of talking we do to people we know. For one, your counselor does not have a history with you and has no expectations of how you will act and what you will do. In that way, counselors come to a session without judgement and expectation. This gives you the platform to truly explore your thoughts and feelings. A counselor can also help you understand your motivation and help you integrate your past experiences and recommend coping skills that can help you if you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions.Over time, as you work with a counselor you will get feedback and also be able to share new insights. The work you do is based on you and where you are at. Oftentimes, when we talk to friends they bring their own agenda to a conversation, and while they mean well they may offer solutions that work for them and not you. A counselor will help you uncover the solutions that work best for you and help you find the motivation to follow through with your plan.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Hello. Yes, counseling can be beneficial to many people. One of the effective components to effective therapy, is when the client becomes willing to participate in the counseling. I don't mean just show up and listen to the counselor for 45-50 minutes, but also that the client themselves opens up and shares with the counselor the issues that brought them to counseling in the first place. This requires you to be vulnerable, capable of moving past your protective measures of showing the best of yourself, and allowing the counselor to see the sides of you that likely are not as favorable. Therapy works when you and the counselor engage openly, honestly, and with mutual trust that both of you will work for common goals - your improvement of self. It does take time, and there are no quick fixes (usually), so be prepared to invest in yourself and explore the dark places. You'll thank yourself later, knowing that you are more connected to yourself and might even feel more whole after the process. Be well."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling allows us to have a sacred space, a space that is set apart from the outside world, it is a space of non-judgement and exploration. Being that the universe is not made for us and that the the world tends to be a fairly untamed place at times, this sacred space allows us to explore ourselves. It allows for greater reflection upon our attitudes, our behaviors and our feelings. Imagine if you will a small goldfish swimming around the usual fish tank, although I dont attest to know what a goldfish thinks, I would imagine he does not see the world outside of him, he only sees the small fishbowl, oblivious to the outside world, when one comes into the counseling room, one is trying to gain insight that was not previously there. Remember the observer affect, one cannot truly act objectively with the world, we are in a dynamic relationship with life, it reacts to us and we to it, the time in the counseling room allows us to gain an understanding that is beyond the normal limits, allowing us to see what was before hidden, often times in plain sight."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling can go a long way in improving your mental health.Counseling helps you to get new perspective on your life and problems.Talking about your problems with a counselor gives them substances and something to get a handle on. Talking about your problems gives you a chance look at your situation from a new angle to help solve your problems.The counselor is a neutral listener that can help give direction and answers to your needs.Counseling can help you solve your problems but also can set up a plan for the future. Counseling can help you to deal with things before they get out of hand.Give counseling a try."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "A lot of things affect how helpful counseling is for each person, including at least these things, but often many others:The therapeutic alliance (this refers to the bond, connection, or trust between the client and the counselor)What the person is coming in to work onHow motivated the person is to work on what it is they would like to changeSome people also ask how counseling is different from friendship. There is a similarity in the sense that hopefully both counselors and friends will listen to what you are experiencing, but that is really the end of the similarities. Some differences are:Counselors are specifically trained to phrase questions or statements in ways that help you to gain more awareness of one could be contributing to what it is that you are trying to change, both within yourself, and possibly with people around youCounselors have experience in using lots of different types of techniques (for example, focusing on finding solutions, looking at how the present situation could relate to your past, using role-plays or examples in session to help you learn new skills or ways of looking at situations, and probably hundreds of other things)Counselors are taught to look at what you are experiencing and ask questions about other related ideas that you may not have connected to what you are experiencingThere is a treatment plan in place (usually after the first, second, or third session) so both you and the counselor have an idea of where you would like to go with counseling (what you are hoping to change or learn) and a general idea of a plan for getting to your goalsIn general, I would say the following:Yes, counseling can help people who want something to be different in their livesCounseling is most helpful when the connection between the counselor and the client is strong enough that some trust forms (in other words, not every counselor or technique is helpful for every person)A lot of counselors will talk to you on the phone for a few minutes prior to you coming in for your first appointment to answer any general questions that you may haveIf you are working with a counselor and you feel as though you are not \"clicking\" or connecting with one another, give it three or four sessions before you change. Trust is not happening in one hour for most of peopleIf you are working with a counselor and you would like to be getting more or something different out of it, tell the counselor about that because typically modalities can be changedIf you are asking this question because you would like help with a specific issue, call a local counselor and discuss it so that you could have a more specific answer about possible options for counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Hello,There are many ways to approach a counselor and starting the process, however they all start with picking up the phone. It's most definitely an uncomfortable feeling, but once that first step is taken it is often met with a wave of relief.My recommendation is always to call and speak with a therapist over the phone before scheduling an appointment. Listening to how they converse, use their tone and inflection, may give you a brief insight to how they will respond to you and increase your comfort right away. You may also discover, rather quickly, that this therapist is not the right match for you.Regardless of how you go about it, I like to remind all people who call, email, text or walk-in, therapists are a bit like pizzas - if you don't like the toppings, send it back! There are hundreds of therapists offering all kinds of styles of therapy - take the time to pick one that suits you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Most counselors are very approachable and many offer a 15 minute chat by phone to allow you to talk about your issue, and to get a feel for the counselor. If you like what you hear by phone, the next step is to set up a face-to-face meeting. Studies show that the most important element in effective therapy is that you feel a connection with your counselor. Trust your instincts and if you don't feel comfortable, let him or her know that you don't think it's a good fit. Many counselors list on websites like Psychology Today and Good Therapy. Visit these websites to learn more about therapists in your area."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Hi! Great question! My suggestion would be to google therapists in your area. One great website is called Psychology Today, which is a National site. You can search for therapists in your zip code and search more specifically for the issue you are seeking support about. It's a great way to find out if they therapist has a speciality, accepts insurance and whether they offer a free phone consultation. I would then make a list of the ones that may be a good fit and then give them a call! :) Hope this helps. Remember you get to ask anything you need to, to determine if someone is a good fit. Don't be afraid to ask anything! :) Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Usually people call me by phone, they introduce themselves, we chat for a bit, then we schedule a time for their appointment"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Honestly, don't :(Talk with your close friends, first (y'know, the ones you actually can tell sh*t to, not the more surface level ones, god-bless-their-souls...Be with your family; should you have a fine relationship with them, tell them and utilize them; they gave you life and that bond (especially between a mother and son) is unbreakable.Go with your faith; as often as various faiths have been blasted and lambasted around the world, understand that they're ultimately trying to get you closer to God :) And, ain't that a big thing.Go with those around you FIRST that actually MIGHT GIVE A CR*P about you, FIRST, before going to a total stranger you've never met before, that is just as damaged, stupid, and imperfect as we all are."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Great question! You can find a counselor by doing an internet search or by asking your doctor for a referral. Once you have the name and contact information for a therapist you want to meet with, give them a call. Some therapists will provide a free 15-20 minute phone consultation. This is a good chance for you to get some questions asked. Be sure to ask about their fee, if you want to use your insurance ask them if they take your insurance. Next you will want to ask about availability to make sure they have open times that fit in your schedule. Once you make the appointment, in the first session you have with the therapist, the therapist will ask a lot of questions about what brought you into therapy and what you hope to accomplish in therapy. I usually use the last 10 minutes of that first session talking with clients about how I might be able to help them with their concern and I gather feedback from them. Here is a link to an article about how to speak with your therapist in those first couple of sessions.http://thriveworks.com/blog/tips-open-honest-counselor/"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Great question. Too often people search for the help they need via a phone book or a basic internet search. When looking for a new person to add to your team, whether it be a Counselor, Plumber, or Mechanic, it is important to know as much as you reasonably can about the person. I generally take the following steps:1.) Know what is important to me in finding help.2.) Ask for referrals from my trusted friends, family, and colleagues.3.) Search for online reputation (Better Business Bureau, Yelp, etc). The absence of an online reputation is not necessarily a bar to consideration. However, a predominantly negative review may warrant further research.4.) Finally call the Counselor and ask a few questions. Let the Counselor know what you are looking for. Trust your gut. For example, if you feel rushed or do not receive thorough answer, move on to the next.Taking the time to defining and conveying your requirements about what you are looking for in counseling can save you a lot of work down the road."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "I'd recommend looking on psychologtoday.com, reading the bio's of potential therapists who you think you would relate best with, then contact them through e-mail or on the phone."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Hi,Reaching out on this site was a great first step! To start counseling, I would recommend looking up counselors and thinking about what sort of counselor would be a good fit. See if they have areas of focus that line up with your goals, and never be afraid to call and set up a consultation. Usually these are free of charge and can help you make your decision."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "I have found that if you go to my website and fill out the form, I can usually get back to you within 24 hours. In my most efficient instances, I've been able to set-up a consultation within a couple of days, which is just 15 minutes by phone, to chat a little about what you might want to work on, how I may or may not be a good fit, etc. Then from there, if you want to meet in person we can set up an initial session. I will usually be able to let you know what kinds of ongoing times for counseling that I have available over the phone. Scheduling is a big barrier to finding a therapist, especially in New York, when schedules seem pretty busy all around.I've heard a lot of statistics about how prospective clients in therapy will often wait for months before reaching out, which is why I think that email is great. Cold-calling can cause an unnecessary amount of anxiety (also, who will hear me on the phone?) whereas email is relatively easy to begin a conversation, from what I've found.I tend to recommend clients give a new therapist a couple of sessions to get a feel for fit. But, if it's horrible after one session, and you feel awful when you leave, that's another story. I might want to explore with you what felt so awful, but if you don't want to come back, that is well within your right.Also, keep in mind that we want to help. So, please don't feel like we are judging you for seeking out help! You are strong for doing so. Far too often I hear about it as a weakness, and that's just BS:)"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "A great place to start is at www.psychologytoday.com. You can search by location and identify therapists who have expertise in your area of concern. Once you find a few people that fit your criteria, read about them on Psychology today as well as check out their website if they have one. Next, either call or email them to set up a time to talk for a few minutes. When you speak with them, you want to know a few things: do they have a decent amount of experience in your area of concern? Are their fees, insurance coverage and scheduling availability a good fit for you? Most importantly, see if you feel comfortable when you speak to them on the phone! If this person is a good match in these areas, schedule an initial consultation so that you can see if you are also a good match in person."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Hello. Usually the person interested in therapy reaches out to the therapist, by telephone or email. I like to respond with appreciation for their making contact and ask if they are available for a phone consultation in order to see how I may be able to help. Once we are on the phone, I like to get a brief sense of what's happening in their life and the way in which I respond and the way we communicate will give each of us a sense of whether our dynamic is appealing enough to take the next step. And the next step is making an appointment. Also in the initial conversation, you can feel free to ask what their therapeutic modality is or give a brief scenario and ask how the therapist might respond to that situation. I encourage you to be fearless in \"interviewing\" the therapist. This is one of the most sacred connections of trust you could be about to forge, so if you don't feel comfortable, move on to the next therapist on your list. If the connection feels good to you, then it's worth it to make the first appointment. You will immediately know if you don't feel comfortable speaking with this person. But if you DO feel comfortable, heard, validated even in that short conversation, I encourage you to make the appointment. Once you're in the first session, you can continue to assess through how your feeling and responding, just how comfortable you are or are not. Just keep listening to yourself every step of the way!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Great question. The decision to pursue therapy can be a very difficult one and the fact that there seem to be so many profiles that you have to wade through can be particularly daunting. Here's what I suggest to make the process a bit easier:1) Narrow down your preferred geographical area. Are you in a rural, suburban, or urban environment? If it's either of the latter two, you'll probably have a mental health professional close by. Decide now if it's important to you that their office be within walking or short driving distance.2) Decide if you need it to be covered by your insurance. You'll have more options if you're willing to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed by your insurance, but more and more people are accepting insurance these days.3) Find someone whose profile has the key words that you're looking for. If you're struggling with traumatic flashbacks, make sure they have \"trauma\" or something along those lines in their profile.4) Make sure they have a friendly and professional picture. This is small, but this detail shows that they really care about how they present to the world.5) Come up with a list of about 3 people and rank them from most appealing to least. Set up an appointment with the person who seems like the best fit and give it a try for the first session. You'll know by the end of it if it's a good fit.It can be scary, but finding the perfect fit makes it so worth it. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "First, identify the areas that you need help with. What are the issues that are most troubling you? Are these situations creating an impact on your daily routine?Second, do some research as to the type of counselling service you are looking and that would best suit your needs. Are you looking for individual sesssions, couples/family sessions, etc. And research potential therapists in your area that focus their counselling approach on your therapeutic needs.Third, contact the therapist (most don't answer the phones, so leave a message or send an email). Don't be affraid to ask questions. You want to make sure that this professional is a good \"match\" for you and will work with you at working toward your therapeutic goals (the things you want to address/work on during the sessions).Fourth, have the expectation that, depending on the issues, you will need multiple sessions/appointments with the therapist to really address the issues and work toward your therapeutic goals.It takes strength and courage to reach out for help, but I know you can reach your goals. It takes time, patience, and practice do really address your needs.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "I always suggest that you find the right fit. You have every right to interview the therapist and ask as many questions as you need. It is our job as a therapist to explain our approach and philosophy. This gives you a good overview of the therapist. Just call and say that you would like to talk to the therapist. Say your interested in the services but unclear about how the process works. From there a seasoned therapist should be proficient in helping to guide you through the process with ease and comfort.www.lifecounselingorlando.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Starting the counseling process can be daunting but here are some ways that hopefully help make the process a little less overwhelming.First,I'd start with finding a therapist through a therapist directory and searching for a therapist specifically in your area and with the expertise you're looking for. There are many reputable therapist directories online that offer specific information and links to therapist websites to learn more about how they can help.Next,I'd pick two or three of interest to contact directly. Have a list of questions that are important to you that you can ask to determine whether a particular therapist is a good fit. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation to allow you both to determine whether it is a good fit.Then, after you schedule, the next step is to see what it's like being in session to determine if the fit is still a match."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "The easiest way to start the counseling process is to do a little research online. A quick search for the type of counseling you are looking for can be helpful. There are lots of Counselors out there to choose from, so many times you will have to take it a few steps further than that. Check out their website, social media, and any reviews (but remember, people are not always very nice). If you plan on using insurance to pay for at least part of the services, look for one that is in your network. You can find out if someone is in your network by looking for providers on your insurance's website. If your coverage isn't that great and you know you're going to be paying for it all anyway (because you're an all-star and verified your coverage already with the insurance company), then you can really pick any Counselor you want, but working with one that is at least out of network will give you the benefit of having it applied to your deductible. If you have any questions about that process or just want some help in getting your benefits from the insurance company once you've started counseling, Better is a good option. Once you've found a Counselor you think is a good fit for you, normally the best step to take here is to call and schedule your very first appointment. With many Counselors you can now send an email, but a phone call can normally tell you quite a bit about someone and their clinic. Once you're all scheduled, they will either get you to do some paperwork before you come in, or many times they just let you fill it out once you get there. From there, all you have to do is show up!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Approaching a counselor can seem intimidating at first, but most mental health professionals want to help you feel safe and heard. You can often find counselors using search engines like CounselChat or Psychology Today. These websites allow you to get to know therapists before you take the next step. These days, counselors have websites where you can learn even more. These websites usually have clear instructions for contact. Typically, you can reach out via phone or email to request a consultation. During a consultation call, you can ask the therapist questions about their credentials and areas of expertise. If you feel like you connect, you can schedule a first session where you will tell them more about yourself and why you are seeking therapy. The thing to remember is that therapists want you to reach out to them, and they are happy to be approached for support. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "I think it is important that you are able to convey what you are looking for in a therapist even if that changes over time. You need to look at it like you are interviewing the counselor and that they will be able to provide you with the therapy you need. To many times we do not know and it ends up not being a good fit and then people are left with a bad experience and do not want to re-engage. Remembering you are basically hiring someone to help you so I would treat it as such. Do some research and be clear as to why you are coming to therapy and ask questions as how they will be able to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "The first thing to do is to reflect on what you want to seek counseling. Search online and then set up a phone consultation. A person can find out a lot about a counselor and the services that they offer over the phone. After a consultation then set up an intake questions. The overall goal is to make sure that you are comfortable with the counselor and the services they can offer."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Phone or email a counselor whose profile you've read and which feels right for you.Ask to get a feel as to the way the person would handle your problem and work with you.In my practice I offer a phone consult which generally continues for twenty minutes.I feel it is only fair that a prospective patient has a feel for the service they are about to purchase before they can be expected to pay money for a service which may not be to their liking at all."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "For me, I want a client to feel like I understand what brings them to seek help from me. So I might explore both their present circumstances, as well as their history, and try to start making some connections between the two, but so that the both of us can understand what is taking place. Not every therapist goes into history in the same way, either. The way the therapist practices will often inform the ways in which they collect and look at data.However, above all, my goal, especially in the beginning of therapy, is to work on developing a working rapport with any client. Most research states that the quality of the relationship, rather than modality of therapy, indicates success rates. One of the most essential components of rapport is that someone feels heard, attuned to, and understood."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Hi. This is an excellent question ! I think that the answer probably varies depending upon the particular therapist . In my work with people , once we have met and I have gotten an idea of the person'a concerns and the issues they want help with , I spend the next few sessions gathering as much history and as much information about the client's current concerns in order to formulate some ideas about what may be causing distress . I would then share my thoughts with the client to see if they feel I am understanding them and on the right track. We would then discuss the best plan to address the client's concerns . Usually I will suggest strategies that I think may be helpful and ask the client for feedback about whether or not they think my suggestions feel helpful . I always encourage clients to be really honest with me about this. I tell them that I would hate for them to agree to try things that they know they won't try just to avoid \"hurting my feelings\" or \"offending me.\" I want to be helpful and while I have the expertise as far as typically helpful strategies, I really like to work collaboratively and have clients tell me what they do and don't like / agree with or not agree with when I share my thoughts about a treatment plan . We the work together to come up with a plan that will be helpful , but also realistic and then revise it and try new things if necessary as we go along. If things aren't improving , I am very happy and willing to try something new !I hope this is helpful for you !"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "There are probably no two therapists alike because first and foremost we are human beings!And...our personalities may somewhat guide how we go about getting to know you, identifying what you would like to be different in your life and developing a plan to get where you would like to be. The very most important thing that will determine a successful outcome is the healthy therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. If you don't feel safe, comfortable and ready to work together, then it is likely not a good fit. And that's OK...speak up and the therapist should assist you in finding someone you can readily work with."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Each counselor may have a different process, so I'm not the end all authority here. For myself, I review policies and confidentiality concerns with people first and answer any questions they have.Then I'll let them know I'll be writing a lot in this session and I have an assessment form that I like to get completed, but I want to have a conversation and I'll ask questions as we go. My first question is usually, \"How do you feel I can best help you today?\" Some people are very at ease and tell me many details. Others are a bit more reserved and I have to demonstrate more curiosity. Even people who have been very apprehensive are usually feeling very relaxed by the time the session is over. Usually, when we get close to end of session time, I'll summarize what I think are the biggest concerns from what I've heard and confirm whether or not the person wants to work on those things. I also try to give an exercise targetting my biggest concern for them to work on in between sessions. For instance, a relaxation method if they are very anxious. Counselors are just humans as well, so it does take a bit of time to really get to know another person. I always tell people that are apprehensive to give the counselor 3 or 4 sessions to determine if they really connect with them. I hope that helps,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "After meeting a client, many Counselors will ask you lots of questions in order to complete a thorough assessment of what you came to counseling for. This assessment is required by most insurances and allows the Counselor to give a diagnosis, which is also required by most insurances in order for them to pay the Counselor. If you are paying out of pocket, this diagnosis is not really required for payment, but many Counselors will still perform a comprehensive assessment because we really want to know what the issues are that brought you to us. The better we understand what it is that bothers you, what you would like to get out of the counseling, and all the various things that tend to affect people such as family upbringing and medical issues, the easier it is for us to help you reach those goals. How the counseling actually plays out from there depends a lot on the theory that the Counselor uses to direct their approach to counseling, and that information is too much for this little post."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "A good therapist will discuss what brought you to therapy in the first place and devise a therapy plan with you on some of the things that you may want to work on. The plan is not set in stone as things may arise during your therapy sessions. You also agree on how often and when you would like to meet."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Great question which I imagine many other people have as well.The therapist will want to know your main source of life discomfort. In what areas are the problem interactions which you hope will disappear?The therapist is trained to listen for your emotions to your story. And to open these up to you in a kind and safe way so that you'll start to see your circumstance in a new light in which you feel more of your own authority to handle the troubling conditions.The therapist and you will refine your thinking and theories. The therapist will ask questions to help you prepare for any stumbling blocks along your way of creating your own new answers to the problem you brought to counseling.I hope you'll enjoy learning and creating new thinking and interacting patterns!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I loved him more than anything. He passed away on our anniversary which was also the day I was going to apply for our apartment. I'm not handling it well. I moved to a new town and started a new life but nothing helps.", "answerText": "Grief is unpredictable and does not fit into rules and stereotypes. Everybody grieves differently, react in their own ways. There can be no expectations about how long, how hard, how easy it will be.Furthermore there is no way around it. No matter how much we may want to escape the pain and accelerate the process by doing all the 'right' things we have been told will help with our bereavement, there is only one way: through...The more we allow the pain to go through us, experience it, accept it, acknowledge it, make peace with it, the more we will heal.Grief comes in waves but can also feel like a rollercoaster. At first the waves feel like tsunamis, with time they become smaller and more spaced out. Yet every time they catch us by surprise. All the 'firsts without them' after a loved one has passed away, every anniversary, birthday, holiday, are all difficult times.You can not force grief to go away, to heal the wound faster than it needs to take. What you can do though is ride the wave. Go with the flow. Accept the pain. Express it. Talk to your loved one that has passed away. Express your emotions, every single one of them, both positive and negative. Write down in your journal. Take good care of your body, your nutrition, your rest. Grief is very taxing on the body too yet we disregard that.Read inspiring books, surround yourself with beauty and things that soothe your soul. Be brave and be open to the world out there, be vulnerable with pride. Try new things you never dared try before. Meet new people. Travel. Hang out with close friends. Ask for help when you need it. Be kind and gentle to yourself.The more you chase and wait for happiness, the more it will elude you. The more you stay bravely in your present and do the best you can, being loving to yourself, honest about your feelings and do not try to escape grief, the sooner it will loosen up it's claws and allow you to feel relief and finally heal.One thing is for certain, happiness will be there to it's appointment and it will be when you least expect it!Keep the faith and keep walking, nothing can remain the same forever. The only certainty is change!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have recently separated from my husband whom I have been with for 5 years. Throughout our 5 years together, I have stood by him through 2 affairs, him talking to other women while I was pregnant, his drug abuse and thru verbal and physical abuse.", "answerText": "It usually boils down to a lack of self esteem, self love and self acceptance. If for whatever reason the 'scripts' we have been told about ourselves from others, or what we have witnessed as children has become our beliefs about what to expect from life and others, have been negative, it is hard to imagine a different reality for ourselves.If what we have learned and observed in our close environment has not taught us and inspired a healthy self esteem, then we can not know what it is and how it feels like. It is as if we lack the language, the words to define it and the skills to practice it.Putting up with a loved one's drug addiction, their infidelity, lack of respect and esteem, verbal and physical abuse, tend to show and reflect the degree of our lack of self esteem, lack of sense of self worth, lack of belief that we are worth and deserve more from life.Separating was the first step towards reversing this negative situation. Spending time on your own and distancing yourself from your past experiences with him will give you a better and clearer perspective. The fact that you are asking yourself this question, shows that at some level you are aware that something is not quite right. It is just a matter of finding out exactly what it is, how you got where you are now and how to get where you want to get in your life in the future.Working with a therapist/counselor will help you understand the mechanisms and learn how to build a healthy sense of self esteem. Get a good sense of who you are and what you want. And finally design the right strategy and plan of action to achieve your goal, to move on in a healthy manner.You have made the first step, it is now a matter of being consistent in seeking help and doing the work until you achieve what you want. Become who you want to be and create the life you want for yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My new daughter-in-law just informed me that she is smoking marijuana while pregnant because of her morning sickness. Im in shock and I dont know how to respond. I just lost my mom, and she was good with advice.", "answerText": "Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic? When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions.Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law.Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation.Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law.It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better.Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way.Sending Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Current medications are: topamax, ativan, brintellix, lamictal, restoril, abilify, tx: long term dbt, cbt", "answerText": "The general prognosis for anyone is good, so long as they have faith in their own ability to find the goodness in life.From what you write, the professionals may have so much focus on the drugs they give you, that they have forgotten that you are a human being who has interests, opinions, feelings and thoughts.The list of drugs you write sounds too long for anyone to reasonably need.My best suggestion is to find a therapist who does talk therapy, not drug therapy.Discussing your fears and anxieties in a protected, professional, confidential space, sounds like the first step to helping you believer your own conclusion about your well-being.Taking a lot of drugs creates self-doubt and weakens the sense of self that people naturally have.My wish for your future is to regain trust and confidence in yourself as a person, not a diagnosis who is told to take a lot of pills."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I find myself crying over every little thing, like dropping a glass of water. Today, I got out of the shower and noticed that I had forgotten a shirt. I instantly started to cry. When I made it to my room, I began to shake a little, cry more, and I begged for it to stop.", "answerText": "It is very typical for pregnant moms to feel completely emotionally and extremely teary eyed, so not to worry. Biologically speaking, your body generates an influx of hormones, that affects you neurotransmitters (chemical messages to the brain) that takes you on an emotional rollercoaster, but that's a good thing for the baby. Everyone reponds differently to these changes in mood, ranging from beinganxious to being depressed. However it is mostly heightened in the first and third trimester. There is no guide as to how to handle these emotions, but engaging in various sensory activities like walking, yoga, swimming, listening to music may alleviate your mood. Embrace the emotions that go along with pregnancy and know that it is within the norm."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "It has been going on more often lately, but not all the time. It has been starting to affect my driving, among other things.", "answerText": "It's important to make an appointment with a neurologist and ophthalmologist ASAP for evaluation.There are medical conditions that can create this effect."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word Im thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I dont know if its me thinking. It never stops. Ill lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well.", "answerText": "Does the voice in your head sound different or the same as your own voice when you talk to people and go about your usual daily life?There is a great big difference in the type of problem you're having if you feel the voice belongs to someone besides who you are.If you are hearing \"self-talk\" of turning over in your mind what goes on in your life, reflecting on alternatives either of what you would like to have done differently in a certain matter, or anticipating what you will do in a future situation, then the problem of the voice in your head may be from a high degree of stress or uncertainty in your life right now.Talking out loud can be a symptom of severe agitation, restlessness, loneliness, and a sense that you are not understood by other people.I would be as concerned about the voice in your head as I would be about the actual content of what the voice is talking about with you."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word Im thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I dont know if its me thinking. It never stops. Ill lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well.", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word Im thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I dont know if its me thinking. It never stops. Ill lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well.", "answerText": "First let's make sure that the voice is not one you hear outside your head and that it is not giving you commands. If either are the case, please visit a psychiatrist for an accurate assessment.I believe you asking for some support in order to quiet your reactive mind (also called self-talk, automatic thoughts, mind talk, etc.) When anxious, these thoughts tend to start racing. The battle inside heats up even more when you start judging the thoughts themselves. It sounds like the idea of the racing thoughts is giving you extra stress, and you have created a feedback loop. In CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), there are some excellent BEHAVIORAL interventions to break free. Start by doing behaviors that are distracting, fun, and healthy, such as calling a friend, going to a movie, or getting some exercise. You may also do behaviors that slow your heart rate like deep breathing and yoga. It's amazing how well slowing the body can slow the mind. There are many other behavioral techniques for calming the mind. Pick up a mindfulness meditation book for more ideas.Then there is the COGNITIVE aspect of your question. This is the idea of recognizing how the thoughts are distorted and to challenge them rationally. For example, if you do some of the behaviors just mentioned and you get some benefit, your stated idea that \"it never stops\" may not be accurate. And your comments that the thoughts are \"weird\" or \"crazy\" are arbitrary judgments that you are making against yourself. These are examples of cognitive distortions. By challenging them, you may slow down the chatter inside your head.Of course, my book LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN, is filled with ideas for both behavioral and cognitive improvement. I evan have a chart (p. 57) which shows the different characteristics of the \"worldly voice\" and the \"sacred voice\" inside. Learn more about Living Yes at www.LivingYes.org. You may also want to find a qualified CBT therapist in your town by searching the top clinicians who are listed on the www.AcademyofCT.org website.I hope you find peace soon. Keep breathing calmly and get some rest. ~Mark"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I've been struggling with it for a test and I'm starting to believe it's something mental. What could it be?", "answerText": "Hello in Jacksonville,It sounds like you are struggling with motivation to either take or study for a test. There could be several different causes. If you were being seen at my practice, I would ask you to describe your self-talk when engaging in these activities, during the different phases ie. in beginning, after a few days, and after few weeks. Negative self-talk leads to increased disinterest and eventually tasks not being completed. It is great that you recognize that you have the tendency to not complete tasks that you start. Some questions that would be great to explore with a therapist are:how often you start and stop tasks without completing them?how you are feeling when you choose to start/ stop a project/task?how many tasks do you complete? Sometimes we need to recognize list our accomplishments so that they do not go unnoticed. Do you ever feel like you are working against yourself?A licensed counselor in Jacksonville will be able to asses you and rule out or diagnose self-sabotaging, depression, anxiety or other possible contributing factors. Remember to continue to provide yourself daily motivation and encouragement towards your goals."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "such as not enough sleep", "answerText": "0"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.", "answerText": "First of all, where did you find the pills? Did you have to go into her private space or things to find them? If so, you might want to do some research on codependency. I recommend the book \"The Everything Guide to Codependency.\" You can find it here:https://www.amazon.ca/The-Everything-Guide-Codependency-codependent/dp/1440573905 . It's not honest to go searching through someone's things. You dislike the deceit in her, so why model it in yourself?If the pills were just left out, that's a different story. Again though, model honesty. Talk to about what you found. Avoid being accusitory. A good old \"I found these...what's going on with this?\" might be a good place to start. Tell her how it makes you feel. Have you ever heard of \"I statements?\" Google this....you will find a lot of good templates on how to frame this conversation.At the end of the day though, these are her choices. Not yours. All you can do is tell her how you feel, make a few gentle suggestions, and get back to taking care of you. If it gets to the point where seeing her downward spiral is too much for you, let her know this and tell her you can no longer be involved, for the sake of your own health and sanity.There is nothing wrong with trying to help, but ask yourself, are you really being helpful? If you are starting to feel resentful, know that you have crossed the line into codependency and back away.Hope this helps and all the best,Aleisha"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "Forgiveness takes time. You know what you did, and by the sounds of it you are not impressed with yourself. In my mind, this is a sign that you are a good person. You recognize that you did something that crossed your own moral code. You could have just done this thing and not felt anything - but you do feel. And that is OK. It's not supposed to feel good when you do something wrong.Be patient with yourself. These things can take time. I suspect that you will be one of those people who slowly let go of their shame and guilt. The trick is to feel the pain but to not ignore/detach from the life that you are living right now. Don't deprive yourself of the opportunity to feel joy again."}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Can a counselor take sides with one parent and allow a parent to order the child to tell the counselor \"every detail\" about what happened during the other parents visitation in order to help build a case for child custody?", "answerText": "<!--[if gte mso 9]> <w:LsdException Locked=\"false\" Priorit"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "A failed suicide attempt is commonly thought of as a cry for help, however it can also be a serious attempt to find a permanent solution to depression, hopelessness or other feelings a person feels are unbearable. Its wonderful that you want to support your husband, but If your husband is feeling depressed and hopeless, you can best help him by getting him to a mental health professional. Feelings of hopelessness and depression, and previous attempts at suicide are all risk factors for future suicide attempts.With a mental health professional, or in the emergency room of a hospital, your husband should be evaluated for suicidal thoughts, intent and plan, and if he is a danger to himself he should probably be hospitalized again until he is stable. Without knowing the particulars, your husband may suffer from Major Depressive Disorder or some other illness on the depressive spectrum. In that case medication could help him immensely, at which point you can offer your support and encouragement him to practice gentle self-care. And do not forget to practice it for yourself. Remember: a suicide attempt not only affects the person, but it is an immense stressor for his or her loved ones as well. As they say, put your oxygen mask on first. Then you will be better able to provide your husband with calm and loving care and attention.Kayla Schwartz, LMSWkayla@nyccounseling.com"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?", "answerText": "ABSOLUTELY. Having someone who's outside the situation and, even more so, with knowledge and experience in human behavior and relationship dynamics such as a counselor can do wonders in helping us feel less alone in frustrating situations like the one you're currently stuck in with your mother. A professional can also assist you in finding some assertiveness techniques, communication strategies, and coping skills to help you find your voice and stand your ground in a way that feels most authentic to you.In a healthy parent-child dynamic, there comes a normal developmental shift when, as the child reaches each new stage of maturity and responsibility, the parent backs off to provide a more supportive role instead of directive role. We call this \"redefining relationships.\" (We also do it with our friendships and colleagues here and there over time as needed). It's absolutely vital.Sounds like your mom may have missed that memo.Like many parents, she may feel your behavior and choices is a direct reflection of her. Or that her role as your mother allows her greater latitude than it should. Or like many other people in general, that her way is the ONLY way. Regardless, this is YOUR life. And as far as we know, it's not a dress rehearsal. You certainly don't want to wake up some 50 years from now regretful or resentful.That being said, there are certainly ways to show her love and respect while doing what makes you happy.I would encourage you to Google therapists near you whose bios resonate with you and what you're looking for and start on a the journey towards a new chapter of freedom and hopefully a deeper, more satisfying mother-daughter relationship for both of you.Warmest regards,Tamara Powell, LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "hmm this is a tough one!"}, {"questionTitle": "What does it mean to have a mental illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental illnesses are health conditions that disrupt a person's thoughts, emotions, relationships, and daily functioning."}, {"questionTitle": "Who does mental illness affect?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental illness does can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, income, social status, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or background."}, {"questionTitle": "What are some of the warning signs of mental illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Symptoms of mental health disorders vary depending on the type and severity of the condition."}, {"questionTitle": "Can people with mental illness recover?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "When healing from mental illness, early identification and treatment are of vital importance."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do if I know someone who appears to have the symptoms of a mental disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "We encourage those with symptoms to talk to their friends and family members and seek the counsel of a mental health professional."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find a mental health professional for myself or my child?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Feeling comfortable with the professional you or your child is working with is critical to the success of the treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "What treatment options are available?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Different treatment options are available for individuals with mental illness."}, {"questionTitle": "If I become involved in treatment, what do I need to know?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It is important to be as involved and engaged in the treatment process as possible."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the difference between mental health professionals?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There are many types of mental health professionals. The variety of providers and their services may be confusing. Each have various levels of education, training, and may have different areas of expertise. Finding the professional who best fits your needs may require some research."}, {"questionTitle": "If I become involved in treatment what do I need to know?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It is important to continue involvement in the treatment process as much as possible."}, {"questionTitle": "Where else can I get help?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "family member, friend, clergy, healthcare provider, or other professionals"}, {"questionTitle": "What should I know before starting a new medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The best source of information regarding medications is the physician prescribing them"}, {"questionTitle": "If I feel better after taking medication, does this mean I am \"cured\" and can stop taking it?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Create a plan for switching to a different treatment that will be a better fit."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get help paying for my medication?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Visit Healthfinder.gov to learn more."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I go to find therapy", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Several different types of treatment and therapy that can help."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I learn about types of mental health treatment?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health conditions are often treated with medication, therapy or a combination of the two."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the different types of mental health professionals?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There are many types of mental health professionals. Finding the right one for you may require some research."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I go to find a support group?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Many people find peer support a helpful tool that can aid in their recovery."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I go to find inpatient care?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Inpatient care can help people stabilize on new medications, adjust to new symptoms, or get the help they need."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I go to find other local services?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There are likely plenty of resources that can be used to help you find mental health treatment in your community. These resources can help you find the right therapist, and enable you to better understand viable treatment options and the treatment process."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I learn more information about clinical trials?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Sometimes, consumers of mental health services may consider participating in a research study when they have not experienced improvement despite having tried a variety of medications and treatments. Research studies (also known as clinical trials) may involve the use of new medications or new treatment approaches whose safety and effectiveness is being tested. While we support innovation in the field, consumers should be cautioned that there are risks associated with clinical trials make sure youre aware of them before you enroll."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I learn more information about creating a Psychiatric Advance Directive?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Similar to a medical advance directive or a health care power of attorney, a psychiatric advance directive is a legal document completed in a time of wellness that provides instructions regarding treatment or services one wishes to have or not have during a mental health crisis, and may help influence his or her care."}, {"questionTitle": "What is mental health?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "We all have mental health which is made up of our beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behaviours."}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do if the support doesnt help?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It can be difficult to find the things that will help you, as different things help different people. It's important to be open to a range of approaches and to be committed to finding the right help and to continue to be hopeful, even when some things don't work out."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with someone telling me what to do?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Some people may advise you on good evidence of what works with the best of intentions, but it's important to find out what works best for you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I need to keep informed?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It may be tempting to try to block out the world altogether to avoid bad news, but it's important to keep yourself informed. We all have to step up during a pandemic because we all have a part to play in reducing the spread of the virus. It's important that you know what must be done and how you should do it. This is important for the health of your neighbours and your own mental health, and taking action can help counter difficult feelings like hopelessness and despair. One study from people in China found that people who had reliable up-to-date information about the coronavirus and COVID-19 illness and accurate instructions on how they should act (such as instructions around hand-washing and wearing a mask) felt more resilient and felt better able to handle the virus. People who received good, accurate information reported lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. This research is available for free at www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/17/5/1729. Of course, it's okay to set limits. Staying informed does not mean that you have to follow the news all day. Check in a few times a day, sticking to trusted sources and media outlets. While social media can be a great way to keep in touch with family and friends, social media can also amplify bad advice, vague or untrue stories, and other unhelpful information. Be sure to use good critical thinking skills."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I use distraction to manage difficult thoughts or feelings?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Distraction is a very valid tool to help you cope when everything feels overwhelming or when you feel lonely or isolated. If you don't have a lot of energy or focus right now, try low-effort distractions like watching TV, browsing Youtube, listening to a podcast or audiobook, playing a game on your phone, reading an easy book or magazine, or working on a simple art project. If you have more energy and focus, give yourself a to-do list every day: you can clean and take care of projects around your home, work on hobbies, connect with family or friends, read a new book and catch up on your favourite TV shows. You can find interesting opportunities to take online courses from universities all over the world through MOOCs and other online learning platforms, you can learn a new language online or through apps, and you can learn new hobbies and activities. As more people have to practice social distancing or self-isolation, people are finding creative ways to bring the world into their homes: you can tour museums and art galleries, Skype with a scientist, watch animals at zoos and nature preserves, and more. When normal schedules are disrupted, it's easy to fall into unhelpful habits. Look for ways to keep yourself on track with healthier habits. You could set yourself goals every day or turn activities into a fun competition with friends or familywhoever takes the most language classes wins! Many communities are using social media platforms like Facebook to organize support and help for neighbours. If you are healthy and it's safe to do so, you can sign up to walk dogs, pick up groceries and household supplies, and help others who can't go out at the moment. This can be a great way to make new connections in your area, and helping others is good for your own mental health. Just be sure to follow good hygiene practices and physical distancingyour own health is important."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or counsellor?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "To find a family doctor (general physician), visit the College of Physicians and Surgeons of BC to use their Find a Physician tool. You can also see a family doctor at a local walk-in clinic, though its helpful to find a regular doctor if you have ongoing care needs. You can also find a psychiatrist through the College of Physicians and Surgeons of BC. Be aware that you almost always need a doctors referral to see a psychiatrist. You can find a registered psychologist through the BC Psychological Association and the College of Psychologists of BC. To find a clinical counsellor, visit the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. For more on the differences between these service providers, see the article The Right Path for You: Finding your way to and through services in BC from the Finding the Right Help Navigating the System issue of Visions Journal."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I see a psychiatrist?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A psychiatrist is a specialist doctor. In BC, you need to ask your doctor for a referral. If you don't see a regular family doctor, you can ask any doctor at a walk-in clinic for a referral. In some cases, you may be able to \"self-refer\" or make an appointment with a mental health program yourself, but that may not get you access to a psychiatrist. Contact your local mental health centre to see what's available in your area. You can search for mental health centres at www.gov.bc.ca/mentalhealth. If you need help finding your local mental health centre, call HealthlinkBC at 811 or visit www.healthlinkbc.ca and use the Find Health Service tool."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I see a psychologist?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "To find a Registered Psychologist, visit the BC Psychological Association. You can make an appointment on your own. You dont need a doctors referral to see a psychologist. Registered Psychologists are not usually covered by MSP, so youll have to pay for the cost of the appointment yourself. Workplace extended health benefits or Employee (Family) Assistance Programs may cover some costs. Some psychologists offer a sliding scale based on your income. If youre facing financial hardship, you can ask when you make the appointment. If you want to learn more about lower-cost options to access counselling (though not usually by Registered Psychologists), email us with your location and our information and referrals team can see what options there may be in your community. If you see a Registered Psychologist through a public mental health centre like a mental health team or outpatient psychiatry program, it will still be covered by MSP. Talk to your care provider if you have questions or want to learn more."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I see a counsellor?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "You can find directories of counsellors through their professional organizations. Registered Clinical Counsellors: visit the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors Canadian Certified Counsellors: visit the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association Canadian Professional Counsellors: visit the Canadian Professional Counsellors Association For more specialized counselling professionals, such as Marriage and Family Therapists, see the Federation of Associations for Counselling Therapists in British Columbia. You can make an appointment on your own. You dont need a doctors referral to see a counsellor. Counsellors are not usually covered by MSP, so youll have to pay for the cost of the appointment yourself. Workplace extended health benefits, Employee (Family) Assistance Programs, or private health insurance plans may help cover some costs. Some counsellors may offer a sliding scale based on your income. If youre facing financial hardship, you can ask when you make the appointment. Learn more about lower-cost options to access counselling or email us with your location and our information and referrals team can see what options there may be in your community. If you see a counsellor through a public mental health centre like a mental health team or outpatient psychiatry program, it will still be covered by MSP. Talk to your care provider if you have questions or want to learn more. Indigenous community members can access some counselling services locally or through the First Nations Health Authority. Contact your local Band or local Friendship Centre, or contact the First Nations Health Authority."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find a support group?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Support groups are a way for people with a common experience to help each other and learn from each other. There are support groups for people with any experience of mental illness, support groups for people with a specific diagnosis, support groups for family members and friends, and more. Support groups are offered by community organizations, mental health service providers, schools, campuses, and support agencies. Here are some general resources to help you find a mental health or substance use related support group in BC: Talk to your mental health care provider. They might be able to make recommendations. The Mood Disorders Association of BC offers a network of peer support groups around the province for people who experience mental illnesses like mood disorders or post-traumatic stress disorder. They also have groups for family and friends. Groups are drop-in. Many Canadian Mental Health Association branches offer support services, including support groups. If your local branch doesnt have their own program, they can recommend other services in your community. The BC Schizophrenia Society maintains a directory of support groups and other regular events for family members of people with a mental illness. For groups related to alcohol or drug use, call the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service at 1-800-663-1441 or 604-660-9382 in the Lower Mainland. For groups in the Lower Mainland, search the Red Book Online. If you are at school or on campus, talk to a school counsellor or your campus health and wellness office. For online support, see some suggestions at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/discuss. This can be particularly useful if you dont have a group in your community or have trouble getting to an in-person group. In order to benefit the most from a support group, you need to feel safe enough to share your experiences and thoughts, and you need to feel comfortable supporting others. It can be helpful to contact the group facilitator or organizer ahead of time to see if a particular group might be a good fit for you. We have a checklist to help you evaluate support groupsincluding when it might be time to leave one. Sometimes a group just doesnt work for you, and thats okay. If you feel comfortable, you can try talking to the facilitator to see if they can recommend another group that you can try."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I find child and youth mental health services?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "To find help for a child or youth, you can: Encourage your child to talk to a teacher or school counsellor Talk to your family doctor or pediatrician, or go to a walk-in clinic Contact your local Child & Youth Mental Health office on one of their walk-in days Use Kelty Mental Healths Help Finder Tool to find specific services and providers Contact the Institute of Families for Child and Youth Mental Healths Youth-in-Residence or Parent-in-Residence for guidance, information, and support. Youth-in-Residence and Parents-in-Residence are located around the province. If you dont have one in your community, a Parent- or Youth-in-Residence at the Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre can help you by phone or email Visit www.familysmart.ca for information and resources on child and youth mental health For young people ages 12-24, visit foundrybc.ca to see if there is a Foundry Centre in your area. Foundry offers easy-to-access mental health care, physical health care, social services, and support out of one office."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can older adults find help for mental health concerns?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health concerns are a serious concern at any age, and everyone deserves help and support. If youre concerned about your mental health, you can: Talk to your family doctor or go to a walk-in clinic Call the Mental Health Support Line at 310-6789 (no area code) for information about services in your area Find your local mental health centre or program at www.gov.bc.ca/mentalhealth (you may need a doctors referral to access some programs) Find your local Canadian Mental Health Association branch at www.cmha.bc.ca and ask for information about local services Contact a local seniors support organization or group and ask for advice. You can search for organizations at www.bc211.ca For general information about seniors mental health: Find resources from the Canadian Coalition for Seniors' Mental Health at www.ccsmh.ca Find info sheets in the Seniors and Depression Series at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/seniors-and-depression-series If you are concerned about a loved one: Be honest about your concerns, like changes youve noticed or problems that have come up Give your loved one a chance to talk about their perspectives. They may have a different take on the problem or have different priorities in their health care Be patientit will probably take more than one conversation Whenever possible, aim for cooperation. Focus on finding an action or solution that everyone can agree on Remember that asking for help is hard for many of us, and it can be even harder as peoples roles and abilities change. If your loved one isnt willing to talk about their experiences with you right away, offer alternatives like the BC Mental Health Support Line (310-6789no area code needed), the Seniors Distress Line (604-872-1234) or a local seniors support organization (search for organizations at www.bc211.ca) Seek support to manage your expectations and your own well-being. It can be very stressful to see a loved one experience health problems. But adults who can care for themselves and arent at risk of harm are free to make their own choicesand that includes refusing help"}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I find self-help materials for anxiety?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Self-help resources are not a substitute for diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about low mood, its best to talk to your doctor first and rule out physical causes for your symptoms. However, once youve checked in with your doctor, self-help materials can be a great way to learn more about anxiety and practice different skills at your own pace or in between treatment sessions. Here are some resources to check out: Anxiety Canada has self-help resources, toolkits, worksheets, and videos on anxiety and anxiety disorders for children and their parents, teens, adults, expecting and new moms at www.anxietycanada.com. Their MindShift app teaches skills to help users manage anxiety, relax, and live well. Although designed for teens and young adults, other adults can also benefit from it. Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre has a list of recommended websites, toolkits, books, and other resources for children and for teens. The BC Reproductive Mental Health Program of BC Mental Health and Substance Use Services has a self-management guide for women who experience anxiety during and after birth called Coping With Anxiety During Pregnancy and Following the Birth. Moodjuice is a UK program that offers self-help and information on a number of mental health concerns, including their anxiety self-help guide. If youd like help for a specific anxiety disorder, visit www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk to search for other guides. There are many books and workbooks available to help people who experience anxiety problems. Talk to your mental health. Talk to your mental health care team for recommendations. There are bookstores that specialize in mental health and well-being materials, such as Odin Books in Vancouver. Within British Columbia, you may also borrow books for free from the Family Support and Resource Centre at BC Childrens and Womens Hospitals. They have many self-help and reference materials on depression for women and their partners, for parents, and for children and youth. If youd like self-help materials with a bit of extra support from a person, Bounce Back: Reclaim Your Health is a guided self-help program for British Columbians who experience mild to moderate low mood or anxiety. You can get a DVD of tips to help you recognize and manage symptoms of anxiety, or you can learn more in-depth skills in a series of workbooks you complete at home. You work with a trained coach from the Canadian Mental Health Association who will offer support and advice by telephone or video conference. Bounce Back is free with a doctors referral. For more information, visit www.bouncebackbc.ca. If you want to access the Bounce Back materials without a coach or referral, you can do that online in BC at www.bouncebackonline.ca."}, {"questionTitle": "When is substance use a problem? Where can I go for help?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Each person has a different relationship with substances like alcohol and other drugs, and people use substances for different reasons. Whats beneficial for some may cause problems for others, or for the same person in different situations. To learn more about substance use, check out Understanding Substance Use: A health promotion perspective. For more on supporting someone else, a useful resource is Helping People who Use Substances: A health promotion perspective. To help you think about your relationship with substance, You and Substance Use: Stuff to think about...and ways to make changes is a great workbook. Another series, Making Healthier Choices about Substance Use: Tips for cutting back or quitting, has a lot of useful tips and resources if you want to change the way you use alcohol, marijuana, medications, methamphetamine, and tobacco. If you or someone you care about needs more help, contact the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service to find support in your area. To get help anywhere in BC, call 1-800-663-1441. In Greater Vancouver, call 604-660-9382. To learn more about substance use, visit the Centre for Addictions Research of BC."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I find free or low-cost counselling?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health services like counselling or therapy may be covered by your BC Medical Services Plan (MSP) when you access the service through a hospital or mental health clinic. Find your local health authority to learn more about counselling services in your area. HealthLink BCs Find Services tool and Locator app can also help you find services. You often need a doctors referral to access these types of programs. Without a doctors referral, you need to access care through the private system, which is not funded by the government. Private mental health services can be expensive. This can be a real barrier to finding good care. While there is no simple answer, there are several different places you can look: If you have health benefits at work, ask about your coverage. Some plans will cover a certain number of private counselling or therapy sessions. In addition, a workplace Employee/Family Assistance Plan may offer some services or may refer you to community services. Some psychologists, clinical counsellors, or other service providers may offer a sliding scale, which means that their costs are based on your income. Try contacting service providers directly to ask if they offer a sliding scale. One private clinic in Vancouver has a good list of lower-cost counselling options in the Vancouver area. For those outside of the Lower Mainland, you can still look at this list and see if any similar organizations might be in your community. Contact a mental health organization like Anxiety Canada, the Canadian Mental Health Association, BC Schizophrenia Society, Institute of Families for Child and Youth Mental Health, Mood Disorders Association of BC, or Jessies Legacy. They may offer services in your area, or they may have local connections that they can refer you to. You can also email us and well try and give you some recommendations for your community."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I get help paying for prescription medications?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "BC PharmaCare covers the cost of some medications through Plan G, the Psychiatric Medications Plan, for people who need a medication to be well but cannot afford them. Your doctor or nurse practitioner must apply for your coverage on your behalf. Coverage usually lasts for one year, and then you can reapply if needed. Talk to your care team if youre interested in Plan G."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I pay for mental health care?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health services provided through the government-run (public) system, like services you receive through your local mental health centre or team, an outpatient psychiatry at a hospital are most often completely covered by MSP. As long as you are eligible for MSP, you wont have to pay to see someone. For mental health services that arent covered by MSP, such as psychotherapy or counselling with a private practitioner, you will have to cover the costs yourself. Its no secret that these services can be expensive, but you may be able to offset the costs through: Extended health coverage from your own or an immediate family members workplace benefits Employee (Family) Assistance Program from your own or an immediate family members workplace benefits For students, school or campus mental health services For Indigenous community members, services offered through your Band, Friendship Centre, Indigenous support organization, or the First Nations Health Authority Cultural or faith communities may offer some mental health services You may be able to claim some larger costs related to treatment of a mental health condition on your income tax return under health expenses Some providers offer lower-cost services or a sliding scale, usually based on your income. Email us with your location and our information and referrals team can help you look for options in your area. If costs are a barrier to health care, talk to your doctor to see if there are any services in the public health system (covered by MSP) that may be a good fit for you. You can also called the Mental Health Support Line at 310-6789 (no area code) for more information on local mental health services."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I apply for income assistance?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Provincial income assistance has three income levels: basic assistance (also called welfare), Persons with Disabilities benefits (PWD), and the Persons with Persistent and Multiple Barriers to employment benefits (PPMB). All are administered by the Ministry of Social Development and Social Inclusion. Depending on the situation, mental illness may considered under PWD or PPMB. Addictions may not be included in PPMB applications. PWD benefits are for people who have a disability that prevents them from working or going about their daily activities. Find information from the Ministry and read a fact sheet from the Disability Alliance of BC with information about the application process. PPMB benefits are for people who experience multiple barriers to work. Find information from the Ministry and read a fact sheet from the Disability Alliance of BC with information about the application process. The Disability Alliance of BC (formerly the BC Coalition of People with Disabilities) and help you navigate PWD and PPMB programs as well as Canada Pension Plan benefits. They have in-depth information on preparing your application, working through the application process, and handling appeals. PovNet can also connect you with an advocate to help you through the application process. For more on provincial PWD benefits and advocacy tips, see Getting By on Social Assistance: Navigating the welfare system or read other articles in our Income issue of Visions Journal."}, {"questionTitle": "What is MSP?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "MSP stands for Medical Services Plan. Its a health insurance program managed by the government for people who live in British Columbia, Canada. MSP pays for things like doctors appointments, appointments with specialist doctors like psychiatrists, and hospital stays you need to treat a medical problem. Everyone who lives in BC must enroll in MSP. You pay a monthly fee based on your income. Some workplaces cover the costs of MSP fees for you. Learn more about MSP here. If you have questions about applying for or managing your MSP coverage, call Health Insurance BC at 604 683-7151 in the Lower Mainland or 1-800-663-7100 in the rest of BC. They are open Monday Friday from 8.00am 4.30pm. You can also get help in person at your local Service BC office. If you are new to BC, you have to wait three months before registering for MSP. Bring your Care Card or BC Services Card with you when you go to medical appointments or use the pharmacy."}, {"questionTitle": "What is a referral?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A referral means someone recommends you to another service. In health care, it usually means a request from your doctor to see a specialist like a psychiatrist. To access any specialist in BC, you first need a referral. You may need to meet certain criteria, like a specific diagnosis or specific symptoms, to access some specialists. Your doctor can tell you what to expect. Once your doctor has made the referral, the specialists office will contact you with an appointment time. Make sure your doctors office has your current contact information so the specialist can reach you. The process is the same whether you see the same family doctor or visit a walk-in clinic. Not all mental health programs in BC require a doctors referral. This is good news for people who are looking for help! A \"self-referral\" means that you ask to see someone, and then you will be evaluated to see if you meet the criteria to receive services. Contact your local health authority to learn more about programs in your area:"}, {"questionTitle": "What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a registered psychologist?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A psychiatrist is a medical doctor with extra training in mental health who can choose to prescribe medications. Some use psychotherapy (talk therapies) approaches like cognitive-behavioural therapy to treat mental health problems. Many psychiatrists work at hospitals, clinics, or health centres, and some have a private office. As they are specialist doctors, you will almost always need another doctors referral to see a psychiatrist, and fees are covered by MSP. If you have a valid BC Services or CareCard, you do not need to pay to see a psychiatrist. A registered psychologist focuses on different talk therapy or counselling approaches to treatments, but they dont prescribe medication. They have graduate degrees in psychology. There are two different ways to access registered psychologists: the public system and the private system. Registered psychologists in the public system work in some hospitals or schools. You may need a doctors referral to access the program, and costs are usually covered by MSP. However, most people need to access registered psychologists through the private system. To do this, you can contact the psychologist yourselfyou do not need a referral. Costs are not covered by MSP, but they may be covered by employee health plans. A registered psychologists fees charged by hour vary, and some offer lower fees to people with lower incomes. Youve probably noticed that a lot of the differences come down to how you pay for different services and how these professionals are educated. The practical differences in how they work are not always so clear. When it comes to your treatment and care, the most important part is finding a professional who supports your own goals. Are you really focused on fine-tuning medications? Are you looking for a particular therapy approach? Does the professionals philosophy of care make sense to you? Do you like the professional youre talking to and do you feel safe sharing your experiences? Ultimately, your relationship with the professional is what matters. Instead of focusing on designation, look for a professional who meets your needs and your expectations. Talk to your family doctor and ask for their recommendations Ask local mental health organizations for help. You can find local branches through the provincial organizations behind HeretoHelp Ask a community health centre, outpatient psychiatry program, or mental health team for suggestions For a list of psychiatrists near you, search under Specialist in the College of Physicians and Surgeons of British Columbias Find a Physician Tool but remember that you will first need a referral from a doctor (like your family doctor) For a list of psychologists near you, search in the British Columbia Psychological Associations Find a Registered Psychologist tool and you can also learn more about finding a psychologist from the College of Psychologists of British Columbia"}, {"questionTitle": "What's the difference between psychotherapy and counselling?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Psychotherapy and counselling have a lot in common and usually mean the same thing. Both are used to describe professionals who use talk-based approaches to help someone recover from a mental illness or mental health problem. Many different professionals may provide counselling or psychotherapy, including registered psychologists, registered clinical counsellors, psychiatrists, other therapists and counsellors, family doctors, psychiatric nurses, and faith leaders. Its useful to talk to someone about any problema lot of people find that simply talking with friends or family can help them feel better. A professional therapist or counsellor can offer more: they have training, experience, and emotional distance (since they dont know you). They use different theories to listen to you, support you, and approach different problems or patterns. For example, a psychotherapy called cognitive-behavioural therapy is based on the theory that learning skills to change your thinking and actions can positively impact your emotions, well-being, and future thoughts and behaviours. A therapist could help you learn and practice these skills. There are many psychotherapies with good evidence of being effective for different problems or illnesses. A few examples include cognitive-behavioural therapy, interpersonal therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, solutions-focused brief psychotherapy, narrative therapy, and emotion-focused therapy. In general, some aspects of therapy and counselling are the same, no matter which approach you choose: the expectations you bring to your counselling sessions, the match between your understanding of the problems and your therapists understanding of the problem, and the trust and rapport that you have with your therapist. In fact, one research review found that 50% of the improvement seen in clients who just received active listening and support from a counsellor (called non-directive supportive therapy) was due simply to the relationship between client and therapist.1 Psychotherapy can and does work, but the professional you choose, and their match with your values, is also very important. When youre looking for a professional, its always a good idea to ask if they are a member of a professional organization (like those listed in the next section)."}, {"questionTitle": "What's the difference between CBT and DBT?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) and DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) are two forms of psychotherapy or talk therapy. In both, you work with a mental health professional to learn more about the challenges you experience and learn skills to help you manage challenges on your own. Cognitive-behavioural therapy or CBT teaches you how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours influence each other. For example, if you believe that people dont like you (thought), you might avoid social situations (behaviour) and feel lonely (feeling). However, CBT teaches you how to use these relationships to your advantage: a positive change in one factor (changing a thought or behaviour) can lead to positive changes in all factors. CBT is an approach that has been proven by research to work for many different mental health problems, including depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders and substance use problems. CBT is structured, short-term, goal-oriented and focused on the present. It starts with education around the particular mental illness or challenge and how the illness or challenge affects you. Next, youll learn and practice skills and strategies like problem-solving or realistic thinking to help you make changes in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Youll learn how you can use your new skills to deal with problems in the future. Dialectical behaviour therapy or DBT is based on CBT, with greater focus on emotional and social aspects. DBT was developed to help people cope with extreme or unstable emotions and harmful behaviours. DBT is an evidence-based approach to help people regulate emotions. It started as a treatment for borderline personality disorder, and current research shows it may help with many different mental illnesses or concerns, particularly self-harm. Key differences between CBT and DBT are validation and relationships. DBT teaches you that your experiences are real, and it teaches you how to accept who you are, regardless of challenges or difficult experiences. Relationships are also very important in DBTincluding the relationships between you and your DBT practitioner. You may have frequent check-ins to talk about any successes or problems. Treatment may include a mix of one-on-one sessions and group sessions. In addition to CBT skills, youll learn skills around managing your emotions, building relationships with others, coping well with problems or distress, acceptance, and mindfulness. As with many talk therapies, it takes time and effort to enjoy the benefits of CBT and DBT skills. But once people master skills with support from your CBT or DBT therapist, they often find that their new skills and strategies become second naturethey are tools that last a lifetime."}, {"questionTitle": "What's the difference between antidepressants?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There are many different types of antidepressant medications, and they each work in different ways. Antidepressants are divided into classes based on what they do and which chemical messengers in the brain (called neurotransmitters) they are thought to influence. Each class may contain several different medications, which each have slightly different ways of working. Below, youll find common classes and examples of common medications. The first name is the generic name and name in brackets is the brand name. SSRIs or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors: fluoxetine (Prozac), paroxetine (Paxil), citalopram (Celexa), escitalopram (Cipralex), and sertraline (Zoloft) SNRIs or serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors: venlafaxine (Effexor) and duloxetine (Cymbalta) NDRIs or norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitors: bupropion (Wellbutrin and Zyban) NaSSAs or noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressants: mirtazapine (Remeron), which can also be classed as a TeCa or tetracyclic antidepressant SARIs or serotonin antagonist and reuptake inhibitors: trazodone (Desyrel) There are other classes of antidepressants (such as MAOIs or triclycics) that are much older and have more side effects or restrictions. They are usually prescribed when newer antidepressants dont work. Other medications such as lithium, thyroid medication, or antipsychotics may also be prescribed, often in combination with an antidepressant to boost its effect. Antidepressants are not only used to treat depressionthey may be prescribed to treat other illnesses like anxiety disorders. Only medical doctors like family doctors or psychiatrists can prescribe antidepressants. If your doctor recommends that you consider antidepressants, keep in mind that most people have to try a few different options before they find the right medication. It can be a frustrating process, especially when you feel unwell, but its important to find something that works for you! Side effects and benefits can vary significantly between different people, and its difficult to predict how a medication might work without trying it out first. Everyone responds to them differently. Its very important to have ongoing discussions with your health care team regarding your medication so you can bring up any problems or concernsor even ask more about how your particular antidepressant works."}, {"questionTitle": "I received a diagnosis but I dont think its right. What can I do?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If possible, bring up your concerns with the professional who provided the diagnosis. That way, the professional can answer your questions and you can better understand their decision. If that doesnt resolve the situation or a follow-up appointment isnt possible, you can ask for a second opinion. A second opinion is an assessment from a different professional. This can give you better understanding of whats going on and what to do about it. Second opinions are common when it comes to major health decisionsyou wont hurt anyones feelings and your doctor will try to accommodate reasonable requests for a second opinion. Talk to your family doctor (or go to a walk-in clinic) to discuss your options and get a referral to a different program or health professional, if needed. For more how to get a second opinion, see HealthLinkBCs factsheet at www.healthlinkbc.ca. For general tips on managing a diagnosis of a mental illness and working well with health care professionals, see HeretoHelps Managing a Mental Illness series."}, {"questionTitle": "I was prescribed an antidepressant or other psychiatric medication but I dont think its working. What can I do?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If youre concerned about your medications, its important to talk with the doctor or psychiatrist who prescribed your medications. While it can take a few weeks to really see improvements with many antidepressants, its still a good idea to talk to your doctor about what to expect. Talk to the doctor that prescribed your medication if you experience symptoms or side effects that are distressing you. If you want to talk to a trusted professional about the most common side effects, call your pharmacist. You can reach a pharmacist by phone after-hours by calling 811. Its also best not to stop taking the medication or changing the dose on your own without first talking to a health care provider. While it might be tempting to stop taking your medication when you start feel better, its important to follow your doctors instructions. In some cases, people can have an allergic reaction to a medication. Some reactions are not serious, like a rash. In these cases, you can call the pharmacist or call 811 to reach help after-hours. If you have a serious reaction like difficult breathing, dizziness, or confusion, call 911 right away. When you start a new medication, your pharmacist will give you a printout with information like side effects, signs of an allergic reaction, how long it might take to work, and other information. Its good information to keep on hand, but it isnt always easy to read. When you pick up your medication, you can ask the pharmacist to go over the information with you so you understand what you should look for. If a particular antidepressant or psychiatric medication just isnt working for you, there are many different options! Unfortunately, finding the right medication can take some trial and error. Different people can have very different experiences with the same medication, and often you need to try something to see if it works (or doesnt work) for you. This can be a frustrating process, especially when you want to start feeling better, but its important to keep trying and work with your doctor so you understand your options. Many people feel intimidated talking to health professionals, but its important to share information so you both understand whats going on and can make good, informed decisions about your health care. Some people also feel embarrassed talking about symptoms or side effects like changes in sex drive or digestion, but its important information for your doctor (and they know that changes in sex drive or digestion are common concerns). You can find strategies, including a mood journal, to help you work with doctors and other health care providers in our Working With Your Doctor toolkit."}, {"questionTitle": "An adult in my life seems ill and wont find help. What can I do?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Its difficult when an adult child, sibling, parent, friend, co-worker, or other important person is struggling or behaving in ways that are causing harm. This can be a tricky situationyou want to help, but most adults are responsible for their own care. There are two important points to think about. First, diagnosing a health condition, especially when symptom-checking is so easy online, can be dangerous. Diagnosis is still always best left to professionals who can look at the whole picture. Remember, too, that the person you care about may have a very different idea of whats causing their difficulties and what the negative impacts are on their life. Second, except in rare cases, the person being treated needs to be an active player in their own recovery to continue with their treatment, just as they would for any other health problem. If the vast majority of cases, you cannot do this work entirely for themand trying to do so may damage your relationship. Be honest about your concerns, the impacts you are seeing that worry you, listen to their point of view and work together to find a solution that works for everyone, even if it means a compromise. You may want to offer to go with them to an appointment, encourage them to do an online screening self-test, or involve someone else close to them who may be similarly concerned and may have more influence in encouraging them to notice changes and seek help. Because you may be feeling frustrated and helpless, its important to get care and support for yourself during this time, especially if youre very close to the person youre worried about. In serious situations, the BC Mental Health Act allows someone to be held for a period of time for psychiatric assessment without their consent if they are at risk of harming themselves or others. While its necessary in some situations to get someone the care they need, it can be traumatic for everyone involved. For more on the BC Mental Health Act, see the Guide to the Mental Health Act."}, {"questionTitle": "Im worried about my child or teenager. Where can I find help?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It can be hard to figure out what to do if youre concerned about a young person in your family. Many people start by talking with their family doctor. If you dont have a family doctor, you can find a doctor through the College of Physicians and Surgeons of BC. You can also visit a walk-in clinic. Depending on the situation, your family doctor may offer everything you need. If your child needs more specialized services, such as psychiatry services, your family doctor needs to make a referral for your child. Many family doctors can also recommend community services or supports in your community. Learn more about the role of family doctors in the info sheet What to Expect from Your Family or Walk-In Clinic Doctor. If your childs difficulties affect their performance or behaviour at school, the school may be involved. If your childs school has a counsellor, talk to them about services you can access through the school. School counsellors can also suggest community services. See the info sheet What to Expect from Your Child's School. Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre offers information, resources, peer support, and system navigation to children, youth, and families experiencing mental health or substance use challenges. Their Help Finder tool and help you navigate the mental health system. Kelty Mental Health is based at BC Childrens Hospital in Vancouver, but they support young people and their families across the province. Institute of Families for Child and Youth Mental Health advocates for healthy young people and family support. They offer resources and education events across BC. The Canadian Mental Health Associations BC Division offers Confident Parents: Thriving Kids, a phone-based education and support program to help parents or caregivers manage mild to moderate behaviour problems for children ages 3 to 12. This program is free, but it requires a doctors referral. You may also want to check out these resources from HeretoHelp on child and youth mental health and substance use:"}, {"questionTitle": "Someone I care about has a brain injury. Where can I find more information?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A brain injury itself isnt the same as a mental illness, though someone who experiences a brain injury may also experience mental health problems. These mental health problems may stem from the injury itself or from thoughts around the injury (like feelings of loss, anger, or frustration when quality of life changes). In some cases, mental health challenges may not be related to a brain injury at all. The good news is that mental health problems are treatable, even if you or someone you care about has experienced a brain injury. It may be helpful to find a service provider who is familiar with both brain injuries and mental health. For more information and support, visit the BC Brain Injury Association. You can also find local and regional groups and organizations in BC through the Brain Injury Association of Canada."}, {"questionTitle": "Im a young person and one of my parents has a mental illness. What can I do?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Someone elses illness is not your fault. You also cant control how someone else feels, their illness, or the things they do or say. What you can do is take care of yourself. Learning more about your parents illness can make it a bit easier to understand what they experience. On this website, you can find easy-to-read booklets on mental illnesses as well as longer info sheets on many different mental illnesses. You can also find information for young people from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. Its important to take care of yourself, too! A lot of people have a big mix of feelings when a parent isnt well. You might feel angry, embarrassed, scared, or many other things. These feelings and experiences can have a big impact on the way your think about yourself and other people. When youre on an airplane and the flight attendants go through the safety demonstration, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before your help other people. Thats because its hard to help someone else if you arent well yourself. Here are some programs specifically for young people: Kids in Control Support Group Program from the BC Schizophrenia Society helps children and youth ages 8-18 understand mental illnesses, cope with challenges, and take care of their own health and well-being. If Kids in Control is not currently available at your local branch, your branch can order materials so you can work through them on your own. Super Saturday Club from CMHA Vancouver-Fraser is a free recreation group for children and youth ages 8-17 who have a parent that experiences a mental illness. To learn more, visit www.vancouver-fraser.cmha.bc.ca. If youre having trouble coping with something going on at home, ask for some help! Here are some places you can go: A teacher or counsellor at school An adult you trust, like a friends parent or another family member Kids Help Phone: visit www.kidshelpphone.ca to learn about taking care of yourself and chat with a counsellor, or call 1-800-668-6868 to talk with a counsellor YouthinBC: Visit www.youthinbc.com to chat with a trained volunteer (noon-1.00am Pacific Time) BC Mental Health Support Line: If you ever need to talk to someone or youd like to see what kind of resources are in your community, call 310-6789 (no area code) at any time"}, {"questionTitle": "I have thoughts of suicide, or someone I care about is talking about suicide. What should I do?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If you need to talk to someone or you arent sure how to help someone you care about, call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) at any time. Or type your concern using live chat (like texting online) at www.crisiscentrechat.ca between noon and 1am. They can help you, and they can suggest good local resources. If youre at risk of harm or think someone else is in danger and you need help right now, call 911. Its scary to have thoughts of suicide or hear that someone you can care about has thoughts of suicide. Thoughts of suicide dont mean that someone will end their life, but its a sign that they need extra help or support. If you have thoughts of suicide, its important to talk with your doctor or mental health service provider. If youre supporting someone else, encourage them to seek help. Coping With Suicidal Thoughts is a good resource to help you understand and manage difficult feelings. Our info sheet on suicide has information on suicide, helping someone else, and finding help. What is Suicide? is a booklet with audio in plain language for lower literacy readers. The Centre for Suicide Prevention has many resource toolkits on suicide for different audiences, including people serving in the military, young people, teens, older adults, Aboriginal community members, and LGBT community members."}, {"questionTitle": "What's the difference between mental health and mental illness?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mental health and mental illness are increasingly being used as if they mean the same thing, but they do not. Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has health. As the World Health Organization famously says, There is no health without mental health. In the course of a lifetime, not all people will experience a mental illness, but everyone will struggle or have a challenge with their mental well-being (i.e., their mental health) just like we all have challenges with our physical well-being from time to time. When we talk about mental health, were talking about our mental well-being: our emotions, our thoughts and feelings, our ability to solve problems and overcome difficulties, our social connections, and our understanding of the world around us. A mental illness is an illness the affects that way people think, feel, behave, or interact with others. There are many different mental illnesses, and they have different symptoms that impact peoples lives in different ways. Health isnt like an on/off switch. There are different degrees of health. People move on a continuum ranging from great or good health to so-so health to poor health to illness or disability. For example, some people have good health and have no problems going about their lives. Some people experience serious health problems, and their poor health has a very negative impact on their life. Some people have serious health problems that last for a long time, and others have serious health problems that resolve very quickly. Many people fall somewhere in the middletheyre generally in good health, though the occasional problem may come up. Mental health is the same way. Just as someone who feels unwell may not have a serious illness, people may have poor mental health without a mental illness. We all have days where we feel a bit down, or stressed out, or overwhelmed by something thats happening in our lives. An important part of good mental health is the ability to look at problems or concerns realistically. Good mental health isnt about feeling happy and confident 100% of time and ignoring any problems. Its about living and coping well despite problems. Just as its possible to have poor mental health but no mental illness, its entirely possible to have good mental health even with a diagnosis of a mental illness. Thats because mental illnesses (like other health problems) are often episodic, meaning there are times (episodes) of ill health and times of better or good health. With the right supports and tools, anyone can live wellhowever they define welland find meaning, contribute to their communities, and work towards their goals."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I find more information about depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Our info sheets on mood disorders, bipolar disorder, and depression offer information on mood problems, treatment options, and resources in BC. We also offer What is Depression? Its a booklet with audio in plain language for lower literacy readers. You can take a screening self-test for depression (and other mental health concerns). The adult depression tool also screens for signs of bipolar disorder. If you want to go beyond the basics, our Managing Depression series can help you deal with a diagnosis of depression, work with doctor, and prevent relapse of depression. Youll also find many experiences and perspectives around depressionreading personal stories can help you feel less alone."}, {"questionTitle": "Whats the difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Anxiety is a normal reaction to many different kinds of events and situations in our lives. Anxiety is one of our internal warning systems that alerts us to danger or other threats and prepares our bodies to fight back or get out of a dangerous situation. (Scientists call this the fight, flight, or freeze response.) A manageable amount of anxiety from time to time can be helpful. For example, it can motivate you to prepare for a test a school or finish a task at work. Even happy events like moving to a new home or celebrating an important milestone can bring up anxietyall of this is just part of being human. Anxiety is a problem when it becomes overwhelming or unmanageable and it comes up unexpectedly. Anxiety disorders are mental illnesses that have a big impact your life. People may avoid going about their daily lives in order to avoid anxiety. They may experience a lot of uncomfortable physical sensations and physical health problems. Many people say that they know their anxiety isnt based in reality, but they feel trapped by their thought and feelings. Anxiety disorders can be treated. Its important to seek help if youre concerned about anxiety in your life. Normal anxiety... Is related to a specific situation or problem Lasts only as long as the situation or problem/p> Is proportional to the situation or problem/p> Is a realistic response to a realistic problem or situation/p> When someone experiences an anxiety disorder... Anxiety may come up unexpectedly, for seemingly no reason The anxiety response to a situation or problem may be much stronger that they would expect They may experience a lot of unrealistic anxiety, such as fear of a situation that likely will never happen Anxiety may last for a long time, even when the situation or problem has been resolved Anxiety may feel impossible to control or manage They may avoid situations or things that they believe to trigger anxiety symptoms Heres an example of normal anxiety and an anxiety disorder. Many people are a bit nervous about flying, which is a totally normal reaction. Yet, if they have to travel for work, they can can get on a plane without any problems. Someone with an anxiety disorder, on the other hand, may not be able to travel to the airporteven if it puts their job in jeopardy. *Formerly classified as an anxiety disorder and currently classified as Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders **Formerly classified as an anxiety disorder and currently classified as Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders"}, {"questionTitle": "What's the difference between anxiety and stress?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Stress and anxiety are often used interchangeably, and there is overlap between stress and anxiety. Stress is related to the same fight, flight, or freeze response as anxiety, and the physical sensations of anxiety and stress may be very similar. The cause of stress and anxiety are usually different, however. Stress focuses on mainly external pressures on us that were finding hard to cope with. When we are stressed, we usually know what were stressed about, and the symptoms of stress typically disappear after the stressful situation is over. Anxiety, on the other hand, isnt always as easy to figure out. Anxiety focuses on worries or fears about things that could threaten us, as well as anxiety about the anxiety itself. Stress and anxiety are both part of being human, but both can be problems if they last for a long time or have an impact on our well-being or daily life."}, {"questionTitle": "What's the difference between sadness and depression?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Sadness is a normal reaction to a loss, disappointment, problems, or other difficult situations. Feeling sad from time to time is just another part of being human. In these cases, feelings of sadness go away quickly and you can go about your daily life. Other ways to talk about sadness might be feeling low, feeling down, or feeling blue. A person may say they are feeling depressed, but if it goes away on its own and doesnt impact life in a big way, it probably isnt the illness of depression. Depression is a mental illness that affects your mood, the way you understand yourself, and the way you understand and relate to things around you. It can also go by different names, such as clinical depression, major depressive disorder, or major depression. Depression can come up for no reason, and it lasts for a long time. Its much more than sadness or low mood. People who experience depression may feel worthless or hopeless. They may feel unreasonable guilty. Some people may experience depression as anger or irritability. It may be hard to concentrate or make decisions. Most people lose interest in things that they used to enjoy and may isolate themselves from others. There are also physical signs of depression, such as problems with sleep, appetite and energy and unexplainable aches or pains. Some may experience difficult thoughts about death or ending their life (suicide). Depression lasts longer than two weeks, doesnt usually go away on its own, and impacts your life. Its a real illness, and it is very treatable. Its important to seek help if youre concerned about depression."}, {"questionTitle": "What is dysthymia or persistent depressive disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Dysthymia, now called persistent depressive disorder or PDD, is a mood disorder. It is related depression (major depressive disorder). The difference between the two is in the number of symptoms and the amount of time that they last. Someone diagnosed with PDD would experience two to four of the symptoms below for at least two years with no periods of wellness during that time, while someone diagnosed with major depressive disorder would experience five or more of the symptoms below for at least two weeks. Symptoms of PDD include: There is a myth that PDD is not as severe an illness as major depressive disorder, but research shows that the disability of the illness, like the ability to work productively and enjoy hobbies, may be as severe in PDD as it is in major depressive disorder. As PDD involves a smaller number of symptoms that last for a very long time, many people begin to assume PDD is just part of their personality rather than an illness that can be effectively treated. So you should most certainly talk to a doctor or mental health professional if you think you might have PDD."}, {"questionTitle": "What is cyclothymic disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Cyclothymic disorder is a subtype of bipolar disorder. Much like bipolar disorder, the symptoms of cyclothymia include three or more symptoms of hypomania, and five or more symptoms of depression. Like bipolar disorder, people may experience wellness between episodes of hypomania and depression. Symptoms of hypomania include: Symptoms of depression include: Talk to a doctor or mental health professional if you think you might have cyclothymic disorder."}, {"questionTitle": "What does rapid cycling mean?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Rapid cycling means that someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder (or depression) experiences four or more episodes of depression and/or mania in one year. Rapid cycling can happen any time someone experiences bipolar disorderabout 10-20% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder experience rapid cycling at some point. In many cases, rapid cycling eventually goes away on its own and people return to a pattern of longer and less frequent episodes."}, {"questionTitle": "Where can I find information and help for borderline personality disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Borderline personality disorder or BPD is a treatable illness. Its made up of five groups of symptoms around behaviours, emotions, relationships, sense of identity, and awareness. You can read our info sheet on borderline personality disorder. We also have an entire issue of Visions Journal on BPD, where youll find information on treatments and support and personal stories from people who are managing BPD and living well. The Borderline Personality Disorder Society of BC offers a support group in Victoria and a resource library, and they have a listing of services in BC. In Vancouver, the DBT Centre of Vancouver offer dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) ad specializes in helping people who experience BPD. The offer individual, group, and family counselling, and they have a useful blog on DBT skills. There are several good, helpful books available now, including:"}, {"questionTitle": "What is schizoid personality disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A personality disorder is a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that last for a long time and causes some sort of problem or distress. Schizoid personality disorder or SPD affects social interactions and relationships. People with SPD may have a hard time relating to others and showing emotions. They may avoid close relationships and prefer to spend their time alone, seeming distant even to close family members. Many people dont respond to strong emotions like anger, even when others try to provoke them. On the outside, people with SPD may seem cold or aloof, showing little emotion. While they have a similar name, schizoid personality disorder isnt the same as schizophrenia. Schizoid personality disorder is believed to be relatively uncommon. While some people with SPD may see it as part of who they are, other people may feel a lot of distress, especially around social interactions. Some medications may help people manage symptoms and psychotherapy may help people build new skills and improve relationships. To find help for schizoid personality disorder, talk to your family doctor, find a psychologist through the BC Psychological Association, or call 811 to talk to a HealthLink BC navigator."}, {"questionTitle": "What is antisocial personality disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A personality disorder is a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that last for a long time and causes some sort of problem or distress. Antisocial personality disorder or ASPD affects the way people think about the rights of others. Someone with ASPD may disregard laws or expectations, lack remorse when they hurt others or break the law, make reckless decisions, and believe they are superior to others. People may see someone with ASPD as overly dramatic, impulsive, manipulative, and deceitful. Some people may appear charming, at least on the surface. Like all mental illnesses, antisocial personality disorder is a spectrum. Some people may only occasionally act out, while others may break the law often and spend a lot of time in the criminal justice system. ASPD is only diagnosed in adults, but people with ASPD start to have problems with conduct or antisocial behaviours at a young age. They may be diagnosed with conduct disorder during childhood. Treatment for antisocial personality disorder, usually psychotherapy, can help reduce the harms of ASPD and help people build empathy towards others. ASPD is treatable and it may improve as a person approaches middle age. All of us have hurt someone else or acted without thinking of others' needed. Its important to remember that antisocial personality disorder is an enduring pattern around lack of empathy and lack of remorse. Only a doctor or mental health professional can diagnose illnesses like ASPD. To find help for antisocial personality disorder, talk to your family doctor, find a psychologist through the BC Psychological Association, or call 811 to talk to a HealthLink BC navigator."}, {"questionTitle": "What is obsessive-compulsive personality disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A personality disorder is a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that last for a long time and causes some sort of problem or distress. Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder or OCPD is about control. People with OCPD have very inflexible thinking and expect everything to be ordered, perfect, and done their \"correct\" way. This happens at the expense of other important things in life, including relationships with others. Work can take priority over every other part of life, too, and people with OCPD may seem excessively dedicated, but may be unable to complete tasks due to perfectionism. They may struggle to delegate and may distrust other peoples contributions. People with OCPD may not tolerate uncertainty and may have a very rigid understanding of the worldsomething is either right or wrong. They may also have a hard time spending money on themselves or others, and they may experience hoarding, the inability to throw away items from their homes. The conflict between the desire for neatness or order and the inability to throw things out may cause a lot of anxiety. While obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) have a similar name, they are not the same illness. People with obsessive-compulsive disorder usually understand that their obsessions and compulsions are illogical and usually experience a lot of distress, even though they may not be able to stop obsessions or compulsions. Compulsions are an attempt to reduce anxiety, not to find pleasure. People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder may view their thoughts as part of who they are, see their thoughts as logical, and may find pleasure or benefit in completing compulsive tasks. They may experience a lot of distress when they cant achieve control or the perfectionism they want. Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is one of the most common personality disorders. Treatment may include some combination of psychotherapy, medication, and self-help strategies. To find help for OCPD, talk to your family doctor, find a psychologist through the BC Psychological Association, or call 811 to talk to a HealthLink BC navigator."}, {"questionTitle": "What is binge-eating disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Binge-eating disorder or BED is a type of eating disorder. It involves episodes of eating a lot of food in a short amount of time, past the point of feeling full, and feelings of being out of control or unable to stop eating. People who experience binge-eating disorder may binge even when they dont feel hungry. They may feel temporarily comforted by food, and then feel depressed, upset, guilty, or ashamed of their eating. As a result, many people try to keep binge-eating symptoms a secret. You cant tell if someone experiences binge-eating disorder just from the way they look or the way they eat around others. While a lot of people have the experience of eating too much a few times and feeling uncomfortable after, people who experience binge-eating disorder experience many binges for a long period of time. Binge-eating disorder is treatable. Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you think you might have binge-eating disorder."}, {"questionTitle": "Whats the difference between dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality disorder) and schizophrenia?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Sometimes, people confuse dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder, and schizophrenia. Schizophrenia does mean split mind, but the name was meant to describe the split from reality that you experience during an episode of psychosis, as well as changes in thoughts, emotions, and other functions. Dissociative identity disorder, on the other hand, does cause a split or fragmented understanding of a persons sense of themselves. Dissociative identity disorder is really more about fragmented identities than many different personalities that develop on their own. Most people see different parts of their being as part of the whole person. For people who experience DID, identity fragments may have very different characteristics, including their own history, identity, and mannerisms. A key part of DID is dissociationfeeling detached to the world around you. People who experience DID may have many unexplainable gaps in their memory, forget information theyre already learned, or have difficulties recalling things theyve said or done. Unlike portrayals of DID on TV or in movies, DID may not be obvious to others, and it can take a lot of time to come to the diagnosis. Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness that causes hallucinations (sensations that arent real) and delusions (beliefs that cant possibly be true, in addition to other symptoms like jumbled thoughts, jumbled speech, and difficulties expressing emotions. People who experience schizophrenia may hear or feel things that arent real or believe things that cant be real, but these arent separate identities."}, {"questionTitle": "What's the difference between psychosis and schizophrenia?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Psychosis is a syndrome or group of symptoms. Someone experiencing an episode of psychosis is having a break with reality. Major symptoms of psychosis are hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations are sensations that are not real, such as hearing voices or sounds that arent real. Hearing voices is a common hallucination, but hallucinations can be experiences with any sensehearing, sight, smell, taste, or touch. Delusions are strong beliefs that cant possibly be true. Common delusions include the belief that someone is following or monitoring you, or the belief that you have extraordinary powers or abilities. Other symptoms of psychosis include difficulties concentrating, completing tasks, or making decisions. Thoughts may feel jumbled or confused. Some people have a hard time following conversations or speaking clearly. Psychosis can even affect the way people move or express their emotions. Schizophrenia is a mental illness that causes psychosis, but schizophrenia also has other symptoms. And it isnt the only cause of psychosis. In some cases, other mental illnesses cause psychosis, including depression, bipolar disorder, dementia and borderline personality disorder. Psychosis may come up during times of extreme stress, a major lack of sleep, or trauma. People who are using or withdrawing from certain drugs or medications may experience psychosis. Psychosis may also be caused by a brain injury, neurological problem, or other health problem. So while psychosis can be a part of schizophrenia, it can be caused by many other things too. Psychosis and schizophrenia are treatable. Its important to seek help as soon as possible."}, {"questionTitle": "What are positive and negative symptoms?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Positive and negative symptoms are medical terms for two groups of symptoms in schizophrenia. Positive symptoms add. Positive symptoms include hallucinations (sensations that arent real), delusions (beliefs that cant be real), and repetitive movements that are hard to control. Negative symptoms take away. Negative symptoms include the inability to show emotions, apathy, difficulties talking, and withdrawing from social situations and relationships. There is also a third group of symptoms, usually called cognitive symptoms. This includes anything related to thinking, such as disorganized thoughts, memory problems, and difficulties with focus and attention."}, {"questionTitle": "What is a prodrome?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Prodrome is a medical term for early signs or symptoms of an illness or health problem that appear before the major signs or symptoms start. Psychosis, a group of symptoms found in disorders like schizophrenia, is one illness with a specific prodrome. With psychosis, prodrome signs and symptoms start before full symptoms like hallucinations and delusions appear. Common symptoms in the prodrome of psychosis include: These symptoms are found in many other mental illnesses, so it isnt always clear at the time if this is a prodrome of psychosis or schizophrenia or something else. Its best to seek help whenever you are concerned about your mental health or a loved ones mental health. Psychosis and schizophrenia are much easier to manage and treat when treatment starts early."}, {"questionTitle": "Im an adult and I think I might have ADHD. What can I do next?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "While we think of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder as an illness that affects children, it can last into adulthoodand some people arent diagnosed until much later in life. ADHD is diagnosed like any other mental illness, so your family doctor is a good place to start. Your family doctor may be able to assess your mental health and start treatment, if needed, or they may refer you to more specialized mental health services. There are a few organizations that can help you find good resources and find some support: The Canadian Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Resource Alliance (CADDRA) is an organization that supports health professionals who research ADHD, treat and support people diagnosed with ADHD, and trains professionals. In the Public Info section of their website, youll find more information on adult ADHD and the assessment process. Youll also find extensive resources and recommended publications. The Centre for ADHD Awareness, Canada provides education and advocacy for Canadians who experience ADHD. They have a section on their website for adults, including information on symptoms and assessments, treatments, ADHD in the workplace, resources, and a reading list. CHADD Vancouver offers a monthly support group for adults in the Vancouver area."}, {"questionTitle": "Whats the difference between substance use and addiction?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "People tend to use the word addiction to mean very different things. I am addicted to shopping might mean only that the speaker likes to shop. On the other hand, He is addicted might mean the speaker thinks the other person is completely unable to control his own behaviour. When people use the word about psychoactive (mind-altering) substances like alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs, they often assume these drugs are dangerous and have the power to control human behaviour. The evidence, however, suggests a quite different picture. While substance use can clearly contribute to health and social problems, substances can be beneficial for some people in some situations. Many people celebrate a special occasion with a nice glass of wine, for example. Some people use tobacco as a powerful symbol in cultural and spiritual ceremonies. In fact, substances have been used by humans throughout history for many reasons: to feel good, to feel better, to improve performance, for cultural/spiritual reasons, and to have new experiences. Substance use is more complicated than just good or bad. Its helpful to think of substance use along a continuum, from beneficial use to harmful use. Along the middle of the continuum, substance use may be both beneficial and harmful. You have an enjoyable night out with friends, but feel a little ill the next day. At the far end of the continuum, some people develop dependencethey need to continually use the drug in order to feel normal and will keep using even when that leads to financial difficulties, problems at home or at work, health problems, or legal problems. In general, substance use is a problem when it causes problems for you or othersand how much use causes problems will be different for different people in different situations. The reason a person uses a substance influences the risk of developing problems. For instance, if a person uses a substance to have fun, only occasional social use may follow. But when a person uses a substance to cope with a long-term problem such as social anxiety, then more long lasting and intense use may follow. Managing our risk involves being aware of why we are using and what impacts our use is having on ourselves and those around us. The wisdom of our ancestors suggests a guiding principlenot too much, not too often, and only in safe contexts."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find help for an alcohol or drug use problem?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Seeking to make changes in the way you use substances like alcohol or other drugs? This can be an important step! Some people are able to reduce their substance use or quit altogether on their own or with self-help materials. But most of us need support from other peoplefamily members, friends, health professionals, or other people struggling with substance use problems. The right help for you depends on many factors. These include the type of drug you are using, how much and how often, your health and social situation and, of course, your own preferences. Getting help doesnt mean giving up control of shaping your own path. You are still the one who makes the final decisions about the type and degree of change you make. One way to get help is to talk to a doctor you trust and feel comfortable confiding in. If you arent comfortable talking in person, you can also get advice from a registered nurse (along with advice on programs or services in your area) by calling HealthLink BC at 8-1-1. Since some drugs are illegal, many people worry about what might happen if they talk about drug use. Its important to know that in most cases, doctors have to protect your privacyits the law. In BC, the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service can help you find information on treatment options, support groups and other resources throughout the province. Its free, confidential, and available 24/7. Call the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service at 1-800-663-1441 or 604-660-9382 in the Lower Mainland."}, {"questionTitle": "If cannabis is dangerous, why are we legalizing it?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Cannabis smoke, for example, contains cancer-causing toxins. However, the risk of developing some cancers (e.g., mouth, tongue and lung) is less for cannabis smokers than tobacco smokers, partly because they tend to smoke less than tobacco users. And, while all drugs have an effect on the brain, the particular properties of the drug influence the level of risk of harmful consequences. The negative effects of cannabis on the brain, for example, seem to be less than the effects of some substances such as alcohol. Legalizing cannabis provides an opportunity to put in place regulations to minimize potential harms. The danger of buying and using any illegal drug is that we can never know for sure what exactly is in it. Cannabis is legal in Canada as of October 17, 2018. Adults (over age 19 in BC) are now permitted to possess up to 30 grams of cannabis in public. Cannabis is regulated by the Province of British Columbia and will be sold through the Liquor Distribution Branch. Cannabis will be tested for quality. When drugs are produced and obtained inside a regulated system, it is possible for us to know about the contents and dosage of what we are taking. This helps us manage the risks. However, it is likely that cannabis will still be available outside the government system. It is important to know that the quality of cannabis obtained from a dealer or a friend is unknown and may contain contaminants like mold, mildew, or fillers that may be toxic. The legalization of cannabis also provides us with openings to engage in honest and thoughtful discussions about drug use with our families and communities. When dealing with complex issues, like cannabis policy, no one has all the answers. But as community members, we all have thoughts, feelings and experiences around drugs and drug use to share with each other. Engaging together to explore and share ideas will help us discover how to manage use, as individuals and communities, in ways that maximize benefit and minimize harm. The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I convince my kids not to use drugs?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "You can't. But you can influence their capacity to make good choices in a world where alcohol and other drugs are available. It's about helping your child develop the skills to assess what might be helpful in achieving their goals in life. It's also about nourishing a supportive relationship, so they know where to go with questions or problems. Opening up a discussion about drugs can help strengthen your relationship with your child. Inviting and allowing open, honest conversation about drugs (or any other subject) makes your child know that what they are thinking, feeling and experiencing matters to you. The goal is to get your child talking and sharing their thoughts and feelings. When young people are asked thoughtful, open-ended questions exploring what they think, it helps them become interested in their own thoughts and behaviour. This process of self-reflection is part of developing critical thinking skills, a part of good decision-making. Critical thinking skills are actually an essential part of reducing the risks related to using drugs. Once young people have considered something carefully, they are a lot less likely to act out of impulse or in response to influence. There is no rule about how or where a conversation about alcohol or other drugs should start. Even young children know drugs are a part of our culture. They see people drinking around them and are exposed to drugs on TV and in advertising. This makes it a subject that can be brought up naturally while getting ready for a family celebration where alcohol will be present, or if you are planning to visit a relative who uses tobacco, or while swapping stories at the dinner table about what happened at work and school that day. Talking with teens and young adults about drugs as they make choices on the path into adulthood helps them to develop personal standards, minimize risks and critically assess popular beliefs about drug use. This can be particularly important as they transition to the legal age for using alcohol or cannabis and move out of the family home. While young adults have more independence and more legal rights, parents can continue to be an important sounding board on which to try out their thoughts and ideas. The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the legal status (and evidence) of CBD oil?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Cannabidiol or CBD is a naturally occurring component of cannabis. It is extracted from the cannabis plant and often made into an oil for use. CBD is not psychoactive, and does not produce the high of THC (tetrahyrocannabinol), the primary psychoactive component of cannabis. CBD is legal in Canada and has been used in the treatment of various medical conditions. All cannabinoids, including CBD, produce effects in the body by attaching to certain receptors in the brain or immune system. The human body also produces its own cannabinoids. It seems that CBD does not attach directly to receptors. Instead, it directs the body to use more of its own cannabinoids to produce the therapeutic effects associated with CBD. Research suggests that CBD may provide relief for chronic pain. Sativex is a proprietary medication that combines THC and CBD and may be prescribed for the relief of pain associated with multiple sclerosis. There is also some evidence suggesting that CBD may be a promising support for people with opioid use disorders. The researchers noted that CBD reduced some symptoms associated with substance use disorders including anxiety, mood-related symptoms, pain, and insomnia. After researching the safety and effectiveness of CBD oil for treating epilepsy, in 2018, the United States FDA approved CBD (Epidiolex) as a therapy for two rare conditions characterized by epileptic seizures. Other evidence suggests that CBD may be useful in the treatment of schizophrenia, though further research is needed before introducing CBD into medical practice. There is some initial evidence that CBD may help people in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease keep the ability to recognize the faces of people that they know, and thus slow progression of the illness. Again, more research is needed in this area. Because of the way cannabis and its products are metabolized, scientists believe there is a potential for interaction with other drugs, although nothing significant has yet been recorded. CBD has been found to be generally safe. Reports from patients indicate that negative drug interactions are not common. As with any other treatment, it is important to monitor your use of CBD and seek assistance if you experience any problems or have questions or concerns about its use. The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It is very common forpeople to have multiple issues that they want to (and need to) address in counseling. I have had clients ask that same question and through more exploration, there is often an underlying fear that they \"can't be helped\" or that they will \"be too much for their therapist.\" I don't know if any of this rings true for you. But, most people have more than one problem in their lives and more often than not, people have numerous significant stressors in their lives. Let's face it, life can be complicated! Therapists are completely ready and equipped to handle all of the issues small or large that a client presents in session. Most therapists over the first couple of sessions will help you prioritize the issues you are facing so that you start addressing the issues that are causing you the most distress. You can never have too many issues to address in counseling. All of the issues you mention above can be successfully worked through in counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I've never heard of someone having \"too many issues\" for therapy to be effective. A competent therapist will assist you in identifying the root causes of your problems and treat those first. If the underlying issues are addressed, your various symptoms should improve. For example, a history of sexual trauma can cause sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, and low self-worth. I would start by addressing the underlying trauma using EMDR Therapy. EMDR allows the client to process unresolved trauma and to address negative core beliefs that develop in response to the trauma. By addressing these negative beliefs about ourselves, we can improve our self-esteem and feelings of self-worth."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not. I strongly recommending working on one issue/need at a time. In therapy you will set smart goals and objectives that will help you reach your goals. I see you as a survivor and not a victim. Best wishes to you."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Let me start by saying there are never too many concerns that you can bring into counselling. In fact, most people who come to see me for counselling have more than one issue they would like to work on in psychotherapy and most times these are all interconnected. In counselling, we work together, collaboratively, to figure out which issues you would like to address first and then together we develop an individualized plan of care. Basically, its like a road map of where you want to go, how are you going to get there, looking at stopovers, some scenic routes others possibly not so scenic, however, necessary. Of course, these plans can also change due to internal (what we have control over like our thoughts, feelings and behaviours) or external reasons (those things that are outside our control). I would encourage you to take the next step and reach out to a professional you can trust and build rapport with by co-journeying through whatever concerns you have by examining what has been working so far as you have learned to cope with some of your issues like insomnia, depression and anxiety, as well as being a breast cancer survivor. Then to help you by developing new coping strategies. Psychotherapy can be such a powerful tool to help you get to where it is you want to be. I know you can do it and you will see first-hand how psychotherapy will help you to move past these points in your life where you are feeling stuck.I like to quote Nike where their motto is,just do it.You can do it."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I just want to acknowledge you for the courage to take the step to get support. It can be overwhelming to have so many things going on, and it might be hard to figure out where to start. I truly believe that one of the biggest advantages to working with a therapist is that a therapist can help you prioritize and work with those issues that need to be addressed first and foremost. A therapist will help you with the flow of dealing with different aspects that come up. Some issues may even be related to one another. For examples, some clients with depression may also feel anxiety about their depression. Also, rest assured, many clients go to therapy for multiple issues. We are complex beings. I encourage you to reach out to a therapist and talk about this concern. You may find out that even upon the first meeting you will feel hopeful that you will be able to create a plan with a therapist to address your issues. I don't believe you have too many issues, I think starting sooner rather than later will put you on the path to healing. Good luck. I am rooting for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It's not really a question of whether you have too many issues for counseling but more what would you like to work on in counseling? You control the direction of sessions and depending on how you're feeling in a particular day can predict what direction that session takes. If you want to work on all the issues you've listed it will just take some dedication on your part to see through the counseling long enough to find a resolution to each of the issues that is satisfactory to you. You work at your own pace in counseling and it does seem like you may be overwhelmed with the ever-growing list. But you may just be in search of self improvement and making yourself better, which is a great thing. It seems as though you may need some form of resolution to what has happened in the past and to work through the trauma you have experienced. That may be the base of your counseling needs in which self esteem and depression/anxiety may fall underneath it as well. If you want to start counseling don't let what you need to work on overwhelm you. Find the counselor that best fits with you and together you both can tackle any issue."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There is no such thing as too much. Start where you're at today and move forward or backwards to figure out the rest. You don't need to be anything less or more than you are right now. It may be a longer journey, but it's one that can ideally lead to healing. I hope that happens for you."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "The most direct answer is no. I would venture to guess that several of the things you are feeling (symptoms) are connected. I would recommend a trauma counselor. You have several strengths (resources) that you are able to pull from and I would encourage you to focus on them as you deal with the issues you have placed on the back burner for so long. Sometimes people are afraid to address things because they feel or believe that they wont be able to handle it. Compare it to a tornado. The storm has passed, but you are still in hiding for fear of the aftermath (the mess left behind). A good therapist is like a personal organizer to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It is never too late to get help and begin making significant changes and improvements in your life. The right time is when you feel ready and open to change. Sometimes when we have a history of trauma, like sexual abuse, the impact of that trauma can affect many areas of our lives as adults. Working with a therapist who specializes in trauma is a great way to begin developing skills to manage present day life, learn to regulate your emotions and nervous system when you become triggered, and then in a safe environment have the opportunity to process past traumas so you can live your present life with more ease and joy. People can and do recover from the impacts of trauma at any stage in their life. It is never too late and you can feel better"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You have been through so much and it sounds like you have a lot of things that have complied over the years. Regardless of the struggles you have been through, you do not have too many issues for counseling. Many times when someone starts out their counseling and healing journey, there are multiple things they would like to address and work on. If you decide to start counseling, you and your therapist can decide collaboratively what you would like to process and work on first. Be sure to express to your counselor if any of the above experiences you've been through is causing a lot of distress , as many times the first things addressed are the ones that are presently affecting your life or you emotionally.Often times when we experience negative situations in our life , but do not address them, they bottle up inside us and can manifest in other ways, such as depression or even physical symptoms like IBS or neck pain. Counseling can give these bottled up emotions and situations a release. Given the situation you shared, not only do I not think that you have too many issues for counseling, but believe that you will be a great candidate and can get a lot from it."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not! In fact, most people have many issues, A lot lot of the issues you are describing commonly go hand in hand ( in \"therapy speak\" we call it co-morbid conditions)I would venture that most of the feelings you are struggling with stem from your early trauma. You would benifit tremendously from counseling! A good therapist will develope a treatment plan that addresses all of your needs. With help you could definitely live a happy life without all of your anxiety and depression getting in the way!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "This is a great question! I personally don't believe that any client could ever have too many issues for counseling. In fact, that type of thinking may be stopping you from seeking counseling, so it may be hindering you from getting the help you need. In fact, all of what you described points to the importance of you seeking help in order to cope with the many challenges in your life.If you seek counseling, it will be important for you to understand that you may need to remain in counseling for a sustained period of time in order to work through each of these issues. All of these issues won't be able to be solved right away or in a brief period of time. Counseling will take commitment and hard work, but it is possible for you to recover and heal from all of the issues you described.Many clients come into counseling with numerous issues rather than just one particular thing. Most of the time, the issues relate to and exacerbate each other. We call these \"comorbid\" conditions, which means that two or more mental health problems exist at one time. A lot of the times, when you start to work on one issue, the other issues get better as a result.I encourage you to find a professional therapist that can help you learn how to cope with all of the mental health difficulties that you described. You deserve the help just as much as anyone else."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I don't think there is a thing as too many issues. It just going to take time to get through all of the issues."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "No, you do not have too many issues to address in counseling. A lot of people present with multiple issues they want to address, and that shows good insight. Usually in therapy you find that everything is connected together, and the issues are more intertwined than previous thought."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Counselors want to help you process whatever you come into therapy with! They can help guide you with where to start and how to start. Their intake paperwork will ask you questions about your life history so they can help you walk through each area. Don't be afraid to share these things upfront with your therapist so they can set goals with you and help you feel comfortable as you get started. It may take some time to explore the different areas, but that is normal! :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You do not have too many issues to address in counseling. Each concern can be worked thru at a pace that is comfortable for you with a patient counselor, therapist. You are valid, and your concerns are valid. You are worthy and deserve to get the support you desire."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I commend you for taking such a brave step in talking about everything you have been through. No one ever has \"too many issues\" to seek therapy and I would be willing to bet that many of these concerns are intertwined and once unraveled great relief is to follow. Best of luck on your journey toward healing. Most times our wounds lead us to the best parts of ourselves."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been through a lot, but in therapy there's no such thing as too many issues. That's what it is there for. I want to normalize that a lot of people feel they are 'too much' but this isn't true. A lot of the issues you mentioned are interrelated and may be affecting the other. We are a whole person, and our physical health affects our mental health and vice versa. Sometimes when you work on one issue in therapy, it can help alleviate some of the other issues. It is easy to feel overwhelmed with all you have going on but a therapist can also help prioritize some of that and find goals to focus on."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Often people feel like they are beyond saving, this is often not true. Finding the right therapist to work on these issues with and having them help. You may benefit from seeing a trauma specialist. If you located in Florida we offer EMDR therapy in-person or online."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You have been through so much - sounds like you are very resilient! And how brave of you to consider exploring counseling for the first time. Based on what you shared, I would encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in trauma, which can often show up as depressive and anxiety symptoms, and sleep disturbance later on in life. You do nothave too many issues to explore. Often times people come to counseling with multiple things they want to focus on. A good therapist will take the time to help you sift through the topics you'd like to address, see how they might be connected, and help you work through them. Best of luck in your journey to greater mental wellness!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Not at all! Trauma can manifest itself in many ways, such as depression and anxiety. Trauma can also cause sleep issues, nightmares are what I hear about the most but it can also cause insomnia. Many abuse survivors can have low self esteem as well.I would suggest you begin treatment with handling the symptoms that are causing you the most issues. Learning how to regulate your emotions and tolerate distress will give you the building blocks to begin getting to the underlying cause which is the trauma. Once you process the trauma from the abuse and the medical issues, you should begin to feel better about yourself and feel better physically as well."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Im wondering if you are thinking that youdbe inconveniencing the therapist by bringing too many issues to the sessions? The reality is that its actually very common for a person to come to therapy with a whole host of issues. In fact, its encouraged to go to therapy if there is a lot of stuff to work through. You would not be inconveniencing the therapist at all and I would really like you to consider beginning therapy with a clinician that you feel comfortable with. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "First you say I have so many issues then you say I've been happily married for almost 35 years ( as it is past tense). Most counselors/therapists have multiple education or experience in areas. It is about YOU. Finding more about yourself. You would enjoy it cause it allows finally an investment for yourself and a guide. Don't you sometimes look at your nails or hair its been a long time since you got them professional care. You been happily together with them for 35 years right. But how does it feel when you have someone else guide and bring new energy to your hair and nails and you feel like a million bucks and amazing when you walk out. Right? Something to think about."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Not possible! Your therapist will help you prioritize your treatment goals and often, those \"issues\" are intertwined and as you address one problem, another may resolve or become less problematic."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Wow, that sounds really overwhelming. No, there are never too many or too little problems for therapy. I am a big advocate for picking the most pressing issue and putting our energy towards that to cope and then when feeling better, we can move on to the next thing. We can't be solve all issues at one time. We can take baby steps, but we will get there."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "No, you don't have too many issues to address in counseling. Humans are complex, and just based on the little bit of information you have shared, it sounds like you have likely experienced quite a bit of trauma in your life. When we experience traumatic events (such as sexual abuse, surviving cancer) it has an impact on our mood and thoughts about ourselves. As a trauma specialist & EMDR therapist, I often have clients who have experienced a lot of difficult things in their life and may be entering therapy for the first time. The process of healing and learning more adaptive beliefs and coping strategies takes time, but it is never too late to start!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It can feel overwhelming sometimes when we reach a point in our lives when we say to ourselves; I think I want and/or need counseling. This is especially true if we feel we have so many \"issues\" to work through and cover with a therapist that we may feel like we would not know where to even begin. We may feel that way because of our trauma in the past and our current problems, however, this should not stop you. When you work with a trained therapist, especially one who has experience working with your particular issues that are impacting you the most you will find that little by little over time they can be worked through in counseling sessions with a therapist. Therapy is often not a linear process but more cyclical in nature and sometimes working on the most pressing things that are impacting your life helps to put others things into perspective. So to answer your question, no you do not have too many issues to address in counseling, despite feeling overwhelmed by this. Just unpack one thing at a time! Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "If you feel like you're too much, you need someone who doesn't feel like you are. Guess what?? That's what therapists are for. You are not too much! You don't have too much to work on! You are on the right platform! We are all here to help. Find someone and schedule a session. EMDR/Brainspotting for trauma, anxiety and low-self esteem issues, etc. LENS (Low Energy Neurofeedback System) for the insomnia, or you could do a sleep study to see why you can't sleep. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "First, thank you for being open and vulnerable by sharing with us online. Second, many of these \"issues\" you have mentioned are all interconnected. Often my clients have found that addressing past traumas helps diminish their depression. Which in turn can diminish the anxiety. The first step to wellness is to take a chance on ourselves and seek out a clinician we can connect with.Namaste"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not! A lot of the issues that have been identified are strongly correlated to each other. Sometimes when you start therapy and 'address' the first issue, it helps decrease the severity of the other issues."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I want to assure you thatthere is no such thing as having too many issues for counseling.When you decide to see a therapist, make sure to find someone who has expertise in each of these problem areas you mentioned. In yourfirst therapy appointment, they will take a history of everything you just shared and more tohelp you determine goals for treatment.You and your therapist will agree upon how often youll meet to get started working toward those goals.You and your therapist will likelyprioritize what to focus on firstto help you get the most benefit from therapy as quickly as possible. Then, as you meet therapy goals, you will likely move on to others.If it seems daunting or overwhelming, keep in mind that as you work on your trauma history, for example, you may notice thatanxiety,depressionand self-esteem issues improve. And as you work on psychological issues, your physical issues like insomnia may decrease.Lastly, it sounds like you have a loving, supportive partner, which is a mental health protective factor and a possible determinant of a more successful therapy outcome.Its never too late to get started improving your mental wellness. I hope you reach out soon and get the support you so deserve."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "No you can never have to many issues for counseling thatis why we have counseling around so we can help you with your problems"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not! It sounds like you have had a quite a lot of traumas in your life. Those traumas do not mean you have too many for therapy, but rather that you could possibly benefit from therapy more. Having numerous issues just means you might need to be in therapy for a bit to work through them. An experienced therapist can help you sift through all you have been through to find what is causing you the most distress. Good Luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I am so impressed to hear that despite all that you have endured, you're open to and asking about therapy! That. Is. Incredible.I don't believe there is a person who has \"too many\" struggles or is \"too far gone\" for therapy. Often, our numerous struggles are like the roots that grow from a plant bulb. They're are a lot, but they all lead back to the bulb. That is, we can have many symptoms and experiences that are often rooted from a few deep, primary issues that, once addressed, can resolve more than one symptom/experience like the image below illustrates."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing your experiences and for being vulnerable. The answer to your question is no, you don't have too many issues to address in counseling. Therapy is designed to provide you with that safe and non-judgmental space, where you can share everything and anything you wish you share and as raw as it needs to be. Being open and vulnerable is incredibly courageous and can bring you a lot of healing. I encourage you to start counseling and to not be afraid to share at your own pace."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You can never have too many issues to address I'm counseling! In fact, I wish more people would come in sooner than later (or not at all) but I always say better late than never. I think you will discover how everything you're experiencing makes sense when you connect the dots with your therapist. Depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and low self esteem can all be symptoms of trauma/sexual abuse. Your counselor will do an assessment and talk with you about your goals to develop a treatment plan. Always make sure your therapist feels like a good fit, because research has shown that the therapeutic relationship is the most important factor regardless of the theoretical orientation or treatment modality."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Starting counseling, and bringing in a lot can feel overwhelming; like you've brought too many full suitcases and it's scary to think about opening them all. My strategy would be to help you take inventory of all the areas you'd like to eventually work on and then prioritize what you'd like to work on first. We would just focus on what seems manageable to work on, for now (what suitcase do you want to open, and how much do you want to unpack?) Often times, symptoms have similar root issues, so once you start to work on one area and it gets better, other symptoms can get better too. Being a breast cancer survivor you already have a chest of skills and tools that have helped you get through! It's likely those skills can be applied in other areas for healing."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I don't think there is such a thing as having too much or too little issues for therapy. Humans are very complex and our life story varies on the individual. Our complexities have connections and oftentimes in therapy, seeking help for one struggle may have a positive impact on another. It is never too late to seek help from a professional We are never too complex for help."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hi,I think at the start of counseling it is very common to experience our live in this way. The weight we carry is such a burden, overwhelming, and completely out of control. Or at least it would be if we let it.Usually we have found a way to deal with these feelings and keep ourselves under tight control, even if we can feel ourselves slipping further and further away.Throughout therapy, it is likely you will work through much of this, slowly but surely, and realize that while the way you have coped was useful to you at one time, it isnt useful to you anymore.I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I believe you can never have too many issues for counseling. If such is the case, what would be the alternative? Not seek help at all? It is important to understand that counseling is a journey. Counseling is not about getting \"fixed,\" but instead about self-exploration, self-discovery, and empowerment. I seek to support my clients in all of those areas by helping them see their problems from a different perspective and gently challenging them for better."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "This is a common worry clients have about counseling. Something that can be helpful to remember is that what we're seeing as different issues often have a theme or are connected in some way. For example, the sexual abuse and cancer history you shared have similar traumatic and stressful effects on the mind and body, and insomnia can be exacerbated by the longer-term effects of what you've been through. Similarly, anxiety and depression are different ways our pain and distress presents itself but have underlying connections - sometimes they're even connected to the same trauma response. The hope is that you'll have a counselor who can help you explore these different areas of wellbeing, and facilitate a process of putting the puzzle pieces together while creating space to discover what you need in order to find some liberation and healing from the issues you've named."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It feels overwhelming right? Like if I have this many issues and I can't deal with them, how can somebody else... yet for a decent therapist, your issues are totally doable. It will take time, therapy is not a magic cure, but if you are patient with yourself, you can move through each of the issues. Some of the issues like the sexual abuse and some of the trauma from being a breast cancer survivor can be dealt with a little more quickly using an eye movement therapy like EMDR or Accelerated Resolution Therapy. Some you are going to have to feel the pain and learn coping strategies. Know that you are not a lost cause and there are people that come in ALL the TIME with just as many issues, if not more. Counseling can initially feel scary, overwhelming and so completely vulnerable, which is exceptionally difficult for sexual abuse survivors. Just know, the hardest part is often taking that first step to get help, and knowing that there is somebody willing and happy to support you as you get emotionally healthier."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Since you have not had counseling for any of these issues, I would encourage you to do so. During your initial visit, a therapist will gather data about your presenting problem and symptoms, medical history, as well as any significant events that have occurred in your life such as abuse, parental separation or divorce and so forth. During the sessions, a competent therapist will ask you what issue you want to address first. Part of your treatment plan will not only include your diagnosis but also other areas of your life that need clinical attention and that can be considered additional stressors. During the sessions, you will most likely explore the sources of your depression and anxiety as well as your trauma history. Sexual abuse is often challenging to discuss particularly if you have never talked to anyone about it.However,if the therapist strives to create an emotionally safe environment, no matter how many issues you believe you have, you will feel supported to reveal your psychological distress layer by layer."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not. Whatever problems you are facing, I promise you there are others out there facing the same problems and counseling can help. The right therapist is out there. What is it that bothers you the most right here and right now? That answer may change from day to day or moment to moment and that's ok too. As you go through therapy, you may find that as you work on one thing, others seem to be less significant. Sexual abuse, cancer, and insomnia are in no way insignificant, but each one may be easier to handle as you deal with the others. For example, reprocessing sexual trauma might improve your sleep, and both may even improve your relationship. Congratulations on 35 years!Start with small goals. Remember, the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There is no such thing as too many issues for counseling. Many people come in with a variety of issues and sometimes we discover other underlying issues. As you begin therapy, you will be able to explore your history with your therapist and come up with what you would like to focus on first or what appears to be most important. This is your therapy and you get to decide what is focused on in it."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "In short, no you do not have too many issues to address for counseling. You and your counselor should work closely together in order to prioritize. Typically anyone coming to therapy has more than one underlying issue. Its rare that someone comes with just one concern to address. There are so many things throughout life that contribute to our current circumstances. Your therapist shall be prepared to address what you feel is most important and work from there. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not. It's actually quite rare for someone to come in to therapy for \"just one thing.\" More often than not, even people who seek out therapy \"just for anxiety\" often find a host of other related things when they start peeling back the layers in therapy.When clients come to me with a list of things like this, our first step is to put it all out there and THEN to work on finding the \"constellation.\" All of these things tie together to form a more complete picture of who you are and how your experiences have impacted you and have led to other experiences. For example, many clients find it helpful to understand how a history of sexual abuse can increase the likelihood of developing insomnia. Seeing how everything ties together often helps people to slow down and take a step back from the tendency to take each of these struggles as a personal flaw or failure and to see how the whole picture fits.Plus, on the upside, once you've started to piece together the larger picture, you can use that to decide where to begin. Once you begin learning skills you can apply to one area, often times those same skills can be applied to other concerns with just a little variation. For example, the skills required to process through the beliefs you developed as a result of sexual abuse so that you can start shifting your mindset to more helpful perspectives is actually the same skills you can use to change the thought processes that maintain insomnia. So the skills can be generalized relatively easily!As long as you're still breathing, there's no such thing as too far gone."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It sounds like you fear that you may burden your counselor or you will be too much for them to handle. That fear is very normal, and that doesn't mean it is true. It speaks to the fact that you are very human with a multitude of experiences that maybe don't fit into one neat and tidy category; however, it may be worth your time to explore if there is a theme that ties your experiences together (e.g., fear of death, fear of loss, etc.).When I first see clients, I want to know how they perceive seeing a counselor and the things they fear about the process. It sounds like you may benefit from voicing and processing through these concerns with a counselor you feel is a good fit for you and your needs.It's also important to note that you are already a great candidate based on your question: you seem to have interest in seeking help, enough motivation to ask questions about counseling, and courage to put some tough stuff out there (despite anonymity). Those are all reasons you are already a wonderful fit for counseling!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hi! Many people begin their therapeutic journey with histories just like yours and experience transformative shifts in their quality of life. I hope you are able to find a counselor you feel comfortable working with and do the work if you feel called. Best of luck on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not. It sounds like you have significant trauma and it will continue to impact your depression until it is dealt with. Everybody has issues, though some more traumatic than others yet it is best to just start somewhere. I would encourage you to begin counseling and work through some of your history at your own pace in order to begin to impact and reduce your depressive symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Most clients have many issues that need working out. It is normal to have many events in our lives that trouble us and remain with us without counseling help. The right type of counsellor will help you focus on the main and most troubling issue you have first and work your way through all that you are managing step by step, goal by goal.Sometimes, working on one issue helps to bring other issues to light in the context of your main problem. This can help you resolve some other issues that are connected. Look for someone with experience and specialty in your most pressing issue...even though you have had breast cancer, you may find that grief from your past is more troubling. Then you would look for a bereavement or grief specialist."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Just go! You start with the most prevalent issue by talking with your therapist. Healing one issue can have a ripple effect and heal other issues as well."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There is no such thing as too many issues for counseling. Many issues are often interrelated and can all be worked on with some time and patience."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hi, people who have only a few issues and people who have several issues are perfect for therapy. There is no such thing as having too many problems for therapy. Therapy is great because it will help you process all that you are going through, heal from past and present pain, and gain clarity."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Yeah, you might :)At least, it certainly feels like that, I bet...Not to mention that most counselors out there might generally feel overwhelmed with a \"case\" with so many problems. And, so, you will slog along week-to-week with gradual improvements occurring as she slowly does her best to chip away...The real issue is that these folks don't yet comprehend the integrative nature of each of these subjects and how generally simple it is to understand them, and then eradicate them."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It could be said that you might be the perfect candidate for counseling! No one is beyond hope, and someone brave enough to be honest regarding their struggles, with the intention of reaching out for help is certainly a person a qualified counselor would be happy to assist. You may want to do some research on therapists in your local area who specialize in mind-body connection, or one of the struggles you have acknowledged in your post, in order to find a therapist that is best suited to meet your needs.Good luck on your search, and remember that the world is a better place with you in it."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "No, there are never too many issues to address in counseling. Therapy would begin by prioritizing what you feel needs to be addressed first. As one area improves, such as processing history of abuse you are likely to see improvement in other areas of your life...like sleeping better."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Firstly, I would like to say how amazing that you have been able to live through breast cancer, sexual abuse as well as your depression and anxiety. You are stronger than you may believe at this moment for being able to continue to grow and live through these experiences. Take a moment to acknowledge your strength and know that this strength will be an asset during the therapeutic process that you will be able to tap into to find increased self esteem and more strength to address the concerns you are having. There are never too many concerns to address in therapy sessions. I hope you can find a great therapist who you can trust to listen and work with you to identify and address the most concerning issues first. Once you begin to do this you may find an alleviation of symptoms and feelings which could allow you to grow your capacity to manage difficult feelings and situations and address additional concerns. Before you even realize it the issues you are having will begin to feel more manageable."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not! It is never too much. The most important thing is that you are reaching out to get help. Therapy helps you to develop healthier coping strategies and that can help reduce the anxiety and depression as well as improve your sleep. This can all be done at a pace that is best for you. Your therapist can help you process all of this in a safe and supportive space."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "No, it is natural for us to have a number of issues going on if we don't address the concerns we have in our lives. Seeking counseling can assist you in working on these issues individually as well as ways in which they intersect and impact each other."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "A person never has \"too many\" issues to address in counseling. Participating in counseling with a licensed professional offers a safe place and therapeutic relationship where healing can occur.A trained therapist can help a person unpack and process past and/or current wounds (or events) which may negatively impact day to day living. They can also help make sense of thoughts and emotions that sometimes feel overwhelming and confusing.If you want to experience more emotional freedom and gain some tools to help understand and cope with depression and anxiety, I'd encourage you to schedule an appointment with a therapist in your area."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There is no such things as \"too many issues\". Many of the issues cited here are connected. For example, in this case working on the sexual abuse will possibly address the depression, the anxiety, the self esteem. There may be some grief to process around the impact of the cancer. Our body, mind and spirit are parts of one system. They are interconnected.Addressing these issue are important so you can be relieved of the burden and feel more spontaneous and enjoy life even more."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Of course not. Counseling is a process, whereby you and your therapist will help you create goals- starting with issues that are most pressing and interfering with your daily functioning. When anxiety and daily stress is more manageable then you and your therapist can examine more deep rooted or more chronic issues."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You definitely don't have too many issues for counseling. In fact, counseling can help you understand how most of these things can be related to one another. For example, insomnia, depression, low self-esteem and anxiety are very common to experience after a traumatic event or events. Once you begin to work through processing these life altering events that you have experienced, the hope is that you would see a decrease in your other symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You absolutely do not have too many issues for counselling. The fact that you are wanting to seek help is commendable and you should feel proud of yourself for reaching out for support. I know from my experience working with clients that some may say they have only one issue but when we explore it turns out they have many things that they want to discuss that are of equal importance. I believe that you deserve to feel happy, at ease and also get restful sleep amongst other things. Please do not feel hesitant because the fact that you know what you want to discuss and work on is amazing. You know the directions you want to go and the therapist just needs to help you get there.I suggest sitting down and making a list of what you want to discuss as well as what you feel is more important to address first. Perhaps the therapist can help you with that as well."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing your question. I imagine it feels overwhelming and discouraging at times if you feel like there are too many issues to address in a counseling session. I would encourage you to share these concerns with a counselor because a counselor can help you organize the concerns into a list of specific goals. For example, a list of goals may look similar to this:1. \"I will learn about the effects of medication on the symptoms of depression and anxiety.\"2. \"I will learn about the factors that affect insomnia.\"3. \"I will learn about resources and support groups in my local area to help me cope with my traumatic experiences.\"4. \"I will practice self-care exercises each day and write about my thoughts and feelings in a journal so I can measure whether or not I\"m making progress.\"This is an example of some of the possible goals a counselor can help you work toward each week. Working toward a specific goal can lead to a feeling of accomplishment once you've completed it, and this may have a positive impact on your self-esteem.I hope this information helps, and I wish you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There are never too many issues in living. In a way we take on too many issues at one time. Then we become over whelmed with \"anxiety and depression.\" A skillful, caring therapist will help you find a place to start and deal with one issue at a time. when this helps the other issues. Then the other issues become more manageable. I gain. confidence I can take on life better and, importantly , enjoy living life more. My best to you. Dr. Spencer"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "There are never \"too many issues\" to be addressed in therapy. Most people come in with multiple issues they want to address. The wonderful thing about therapy, is that often, as one or more significant issues begin to change and improve- the lead naturally without much effort to improvements in the other areas. (For example, as you begin to address trauma and betrayal from you past, you may find that the insomnia improves). Your therapist, with you input and direction, can help you to prioritize which problem areas to target first."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You can be helped. Many of the people I see have multiple issues. These issues are often linked so that helping one issue will positively help the other issues."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "The short answer is: absolutely not! The longer answer is that it might take some time to process all of the issues, and it may feel quite \"muddy\" in the issues for a lot longer than is tolerable (which is why counseling may have been postponed to begin with for you.) It's important to be realistic when entering counseling of any sort, and that the therapist be realistic with you about what you might be able to expect working with that person (I use the words \"might be able to expect\" because therapy experiences can vary.) But that not having counseling about trauma that you have experienced much earlier in your life can play a significant role in the process and how long that process could take to unpack all that may have been buried over time.It might also be helpful in counseling to work with the therapist on figuring out where to begin, but to also manage the feelings of being overwhelmed that may make it hard to continue to show up and do the work required, week in and week out. It isn't easy work trying to process past pain that you experienced, and so consistent practice of self-care, including leaning on support systems outside of therapy, is key."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Usually people who struggle with depression also have symptoms of anxiety. These symptoms come about as a result of underlying causes. The obstacles you have been overcoming such as abuse, cancer and insomnia likely bring about similar feelings and emotions in you which affect your self-esteem. Counseling is meant to support people who have layers of difficulties. We see the difficulties as layers to an onion, peeling away the many layers."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Often times when an individual begins the counseling process it is revealed that there is more than one thing going on. When we think about how much is wrong, it can be overwhelming and we may not know where to even start. Counseling can provide guidance to help you to begin working toward healing in a way that is most helpful for you to reach your goals."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Absolutely not! When we have the courage to accept the challenge to address whatever is causing us pain, the solutions often generalize to many, if not all of our symptoms. I would suggest that unresolved trauma from sexual abuse is likely a primary contributing factor. However, it is important that you first build a trusting relationship with a therapist experienced in trauma treatment as this is an area of specialty that not all therapists are skilled in treating. Choosing one issue to work on, such as anxiety or depressive symptoms, and starting there will allow you the opportunity to get to know your therapist, learn coping skills for managing distressing symptoms, and establish emotional safety before jumping into trauma work."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hello there,No one has too many issues to address in counseling. Once you start counseling, your therapist will help you identify which issues to start working on first and which are causing you the most distress. Once you and your therapist prioritize your concerns, you can start to address each concern, starting with the one causing the most distress for you."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed. But you are also a survivor and have the benefit of a long, stable marriage. You do not have too many issues to address in counseling. A good therapist will help you to partialize your goals into smaller objectives and focus in on what's most pressing for you to address first in treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hello! You may have heard the saying that counseling is like peeling the layers of an onion. Whether a person comes to therapy with many issues on their heart and mind or whether he/she comes with something specific, one issue leads to another. Please don't feel as though you have too many issues. You are important and worthy. On the plus side, you are a breast cancer survivor and have a wonderful marriage! Seek the help that you deserve."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You do not have too many issues to address in counseling. And your perseverance will serve you well if you choose to engage in therapy. The trauma and medical event you experienced topped off with chronic sleepless nights would lead to feelings of depression for many. The emotional reaction you've had to these experiences sounds normal albeit troublesome and I would imagine intensely painful at times as well. Therapy can help prioritize what is the most impactful issue you are grappling with. I find in therapy that when the central issue is revealed, understood, processed, and understood again in its current context, many other areas of the person's internal experience improve. It sounds as though something has prevented you from seeking help from a counselor in the past, and it sounds as though you are more seriously considering it now. Therapy helps and it can help you when you're ready."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing your history. You do not have too many issues to address in counseling. It will help to prioritize what you would like to work on first in therapy. Your therapist will create a treatment plan with you, which can always be changed while working together. Therapy is a process in working towards your best life, and you deserve it."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Not at all! Whatever issues you might have you can bring to the therapy room. Remember therapy is about YOU, not your therapist. You bring whatever you need to bring to the table. Keep in mind these issues are likely related. Remember you are a holistic being, more than just the sum of the parts. Just like any system, when you move something in one area, things start changing in other areas as well. Talk to your therapist to decide goals for counseling and establish priorities, and ENJOY THE RIDE! Growing, flourishing, and finally letting go of what hurts can be a beautiful and exciting process."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "You absolutely do not have \"too many issues\" for counseling. Your reaching out to ask this question shows you have a resilient spirit. Also, your happy marriage can be a support and strength to you as you embark on a counseling journey. I would recommend that you find a counselor who specializes in trauma, sexual trauma and/or EMDR (a type of therapy that is proven to have a strong impact on healing from trauma). Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I don't think you have too many issues for counseling. If a client came to me for help with the same issues that you have listed here I would first want them to meet with their doctor to get a physical to rule out any biological causes to your depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I would work with you on deciding which of these issues to tackle first. I usually suggest starting with the issue that is easiest. Reading through your symptoms I might choose anxiety to start with since you are in the early stages of it. I like to give my client skills they can use right away, so I would focus on teaching you breathing exercises to manage the anxiety as well as cognitive restructuring so that when an anxious thought pops up you can talk yourself through it. Once you felt that you had some control over the anxiety I'd start to work on some of your other concerns, but I would seek your input on what you felt like might be good to work on next. My gut is that some of these issues would be resolved as you worked on others. For example as you worked on your anxiety and began to process your trauma and as you began to work on self care and getting more sleep - your self esteem would probably improve. I encourage you to meet with a therapist and ask them how they might be able to help you. These are just some thoughts that came up for me on how I might help someone with the same or similar symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "The way it goes is that all your issues are connected. Once you work on one issue it will have a positive effect on all areas. Slowly each issue is addressed and actually less issues will need to be addressed directly since resolving one helps your overall wellness. So no, you do not have too many issues. Dont give up. Get help now and see how your life can change for the better."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "I think this is a very common question that people who have never been to counseling before have. There is a lot of anxiety in going to counseling for the first time. This is normal. In answer to your question, the answer is an absolute NO! An important thing to remember about getting counseling is that it is a courageous first step towards hope and healing. Getting help is like training to run a marathon, it is not a sprint. You have shared a lot of issues that you are dealing with from your past, that are now negatively impacting your present, but I believe that in getting the right kind of help and support, none of them are impossible to overcome. Part of the therapeutic process is defining and prioritizing therapy goals. In collaboration with you, as a client, a therapist is there to help you with this process in determining what you would like to work on first. Not getting counseling, based on the history you have shared, has the potential to put you more at risk for mental and physical health issues. You are already seeing this happen as you begin to experience new symptoms, namely your anxiety. In therapy, you will gain understanding and insight, as well as learn skills and strategies to manage the symptoms you are experiencing.In conclusion, I would encourage you to reach out to a licensed counselor who has experience in treating trauma, grief/loss and will address shame. These are three areas that I have found that gets to the core issues that are contributing to your depression and anxiety. I believe you can get the help you need to find hope and healing. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Hello, I'm so glad you decided to take the first step in opening a conversation first. Deciding to go to therapy can sometimes be difficult for some, but with the right therapist, healing is possible and obtainable, even with what you've described. To answer your question, no you do not have too many issues to go to counseling. You've been through a lot and have been strong and at times it's helpful to have someone else to help you through it.What I would say is to be sure and find a therapist who is experienced in sexual abuse and trauma overall. But you absolutely do not have too many issues for counseling. Please feel free to ask any other questions you may have regarding your situation and I hope you find the therapist you're looking for, there are many great ones out there. Many of the issues you're experiencing may be tied together from the trauma.Best Wishes.Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Not at all my dear.Human beings are complex creatures, and in my opinion, our issues interconnect in a very nuanced web between our levels of being (for example, mind, body, and spirit). Everything you bring up affects all three. The truly beautiful thing about the human body is that when you begin to work on one, the others improve as well!I would encourage you to seek out a counselor who's style and approach speaks to you and start with whichever issue feels most pressing to you. A skilled therapist will flow with you at your own pace and make recommendations to other professionals (e.g., physicians, holistic practitioners, EMDR specialists for trauma etc) as needed to complement the psychotherapy work you're doing with him or her to help you find the total healing you seek.I wish you well on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have too many issues for counseling?", "questionText": "I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, Im a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and Im beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but Ive been happily married for almost 35 years. Ive never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?", "answerText": "Everyone has topics to discuss when they start therapy. There is no correct number of topics.youSometimes people go to therapy for one specific area of their life. Not everyone has the time or interest to utilize therapy just when a significant topic arises in their life.Since you are one person, no matter how many or few topics you would like to address in therapy, all the topics relate to you.Possibly the result of your therapy will be more transformational than if you talked only on one topic. Lucky you, to be on the cusp of clearing and resolving many vulnerabilities at once. You will feel brand new by the time you finish your therapy work!"}, {"questionTitle": "My apartment manager won't let me keep an emotional support dog", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "This can be a difficult situation. Typically, only animals that are specifically trains to accomplish a specific task are legally protected as Service Animsls. Even though that can be very helpful, emotional support animals are not generally protected in the same way.You might not be able to make your landlord accommodate you. If possible, you may want to consider a different apparent that is more animal friendly."}, {"questionTitle": "My apartment manager won't let me keep an emotional support dog", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "Your apartment manager is legally required under federal law to allow the ESA to live with you if you have provided documentation from a licensed therapist. It does not matter if they have a no-pet policy if you have met these qualifications.You do not need a trained service animal nor do you need a disability for an emotional support animal. The Fair Housing Act (which has federal jurisdiction) allows you to own an ESA if you have met the right criteria, and it sounds like you do. Perhaps your apartment manager needs a letter from a therapist instead of a doctor?Here's the site for more information on this and steps to take:https://esadoctors.com/landlord-emotional-support-animal/Maybe your doctor is credible and can help you continue to fight for yourself. In the above website, it mentions that if you provide the required documentation and your apartment manager continues to deny you, you can file a complaint with HUD (U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development).I am repeating some of that article content here, but I believe many people in this situation feel pressured to share personal information about their symptoms and circumstances, beyond what is legally required for an ESA. You never have to share any information apart from the documents your therapist provides to you.I think it's amazing you are trying to stand up for yourself and I wish you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "My apartment manager won't let me keep an emotional support dog", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "At present, the American Disability Association (ADA) only allows protection and guiltiness for Service Animals, which is fall under a separate distinction from Emotional Support Animals.Emotional support animals are untrained animals (typically pets or other domestic animals) that provide wonderful services to their owners, and there are many benefits to having one.Service animals who are trained to provide specific services for an individual with limitations that make them fall under what the ADA defines as \"disabled\" are protected under specific laws, and must be accommodated in public places where the human they serve is present.While it may be beneficial to request that the therapist who \"prescribed\" the dog to you write a letter to the apartment manager, it sounds like the manager is aware of ADA guidelines, and the simplest course of action may be to find an alternative residence, if that is a plausible option."}, {"questionTitle": "My apartment manager won't let me keep an emotional support dog", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "Agree with the apartment manager's viewpoint that your disability is not a physical limitation.Ask the manager if they'd accept an explanatory letter from a therapist who is licensed to diagnosis emotional disabilities.If the answer is yes, then find a therapist who's willing to cooperate with what you need from them and find out this particular therapist's terms of working with you to compose such a letter.If the manager tells you \"no\", then find out who is above this person or entity and find out how to formally introduce your request to the board or apartment owner, or whoever actually is the legal owner of the building."}, {"questionTitle": "My apartment manager won't let me keep an emotional support dog", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?", "answerText": "This is tricky because there are different types of emotional support dogs. The ones that are officially trained actually go through months of training and then are paired with someone for whom they perform specific tasks.You may benefit from looking at the blog written by Valerie Parrott, who has an emotional support dog due to severe anxiety and panic. I will warn you that her blog is very blunt, but she is honest and she has gone through this process:https://thedogintheroom.wordpress.com/2016/06/20/what-makes-a-service-dog/#more-508"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like my mother doesn't support me", "questionText": "My mother is combative with me when I say I don't want to talk with her about my depression. She hasn't been supportive of me in the past and she isn't someone that I feel comfortable opening up to. She constantly tries to instigate conversations where she asks me questions that I don't want to or can't answer. I tell her I don't want to talk and she starts arguments with me. How can I get her to understand?", "answerText": "Do you live with your mom and have constant interaction with her? It is your choice who you share things with. You can set some clear boundaries. She can either talk about the interestyou feel comfortable or you can reduce, eliminate conversations with her. These arguments are most likely not good for your depression.Here is a video regarding boundaries.Boundaries"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like my mother doesn't support me", "questionText": "My mother is combative with me when I say I don't want to talk with her about my depression. She hasn't been supportive of me in the past and she isn't someone that I feel comfortable opening up to. She constantly tries to instigate conversations where she asks me questions that I don't want to or can't answer. I tell her I don't want to talk and she starts arguments with me. How can I get her to understand?", "answerText": "Your situation sounds extremely frustrating.You're doing the right move to state you don't want to discuss your depression with her.I guess you could ask if she would like to know your reason to not speak w her about your depression. If you feel she can handle a reasonable conversation, and you would like to tell her your true reason, then schedule this or bring up the topic at a neutral time, not in the middle of an argument.Having an unsupportive mom is difficult enough to accept. You may feel greater success and peach of mind to meditate on accepting her lack of understanding than to engage in arguing when she starts this."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere?", "questionText": "There are many people willing to lovingly provide me with a home. I have food, clothes, and a university education, but I never feel like I belong. Even when I have a good time with people who are supposed to be close, I feel like I'm just out with friends and I never go home.", "answerText": "I truly understand what you are saying. I wanted to share this blog post about this very concern!Are you finally ready to be free"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere?", "questionText": "There are many people willing to lovingly provide me with a home. I have food, clothes, and a university education, but I never feel like I belong. Even when I have a good time with people who are supposed to be close, I feel like I'm just out with friends and I never go home.", "answerText": "From the little bit you wrote, my guess is you haven't figured out where and how to lay down your own set of roots.Usually people who have a university level eduction are old enough to work in order to support themselves.Unless you have a medical condition which limits or prevents you from working a full-time job, would you guess that the effort and thought involved in deciding in what professional area and geographic location to look for work, would offer you a way to establish your identity?My suggestion is to pay more attention to your own likes, dislikes, and interests. To know these areas more deeply would define the type of people with whom you identify, have a common interest and with whom you'd like to socialize.The more you realize who you are, the easier time you'll have to find like-minded others and feel securely at home with them and yourself.Again, if you have a medical disability or condition which prevents employment or easily socializing with other people, then this advice would need to be modified for your specific strengths."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere?", "questionText": "There are many people willing to lovingly provide me with a home. I have food, clothes, and a university education, but I never feel like I belong. Even when I have a good time with people who are supposed to be close, I feel like I'm just out with friends and I never go home.", "answerText": "For some people, having a sense of belonging takes some time.You mentioned that you have an education and some basic daily needs. I wonder if you may be able to look at your relationship with yourself and what makes you feel happy, safe, and having a sense of accomplishment. If you have those feelings, I wonder how you define trust and who you trust.You say you have a good time with people who are \"supposed to be close,\" so I wonder what keeps them from feeling close. I have also wondering if you have been emotionally hurt in the past, and if so, you may have some protective defenses that you use (maybe on purpose, maybe not) to protect yourself from being hurt again. Remember that this idea comes in degrees where you can be more perfect in certain situations and a little less in others. Being emotionally protected is on a spectrum or continuum, where you can make an infinite amount of adjustments or changes with different people and situations.I also wonder what it is that you want in your \"home,\" and how you define it. Consider giving yourself permission to think about how you would define your perfect home in a world where there were no realistic restrictions (such as money or location). After you have that, consider what parts of that you can have. Perhaps there is a small part that you could make a reality within a week or so.Thank you for reaching out. If this continues to be difficult for you, consider seeing a local mental health professional so you can discuss some more specific details."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my girlfriend?", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "You're probably not going to like my answer.Your question says a lot about what YOU want rather than what she wants or what may be best for her. Sometimes, what's best for a person is the hardest thing to do, and may be completely opposite of what YOU want.Addictions don't happen in a vacuum. If you've had any experience with addicts at all, then I'm sure you've heard the term \"enabler\". A lot of the times, when people think they're \"helping\", they're actually enabling the addict to continue their self-destructive behavior. Tough love and clear boundaries are needed in a lot of situations, but especially with addictions. Family and friends are often the biggest contributing factor to someone choosing to use/drink, continuing to do so, or relapsing back into it.You said she recently quit. You said she is depressed. She wants to move. When a person receives counseling for addictions, they are encouraged to make changes like this. They need to break the habit, and this means removing people from their lives at times. It means moving to new locations. Anything that may trigger a relapse needs to be identified and removed. Not only that, but the addict needs to do a lot of personal reflection to figure out WHY they use/drink in the first place, and not only break the physical addiction to it, but deal with whatever is the root cause that led them to use in the first place. She may need some time alone to figure out who she is as a person, time to make some decisions for herself and do what she needs to do to be healthy.Don't pressure her to stay. Let her have the freedom to do what she needs to do. If she stays, the decision needs to be hers and hers alone. It doesn't need to be made under pressure. That will only lead to resentment. Support her, but don't try to change her or make her do anything, especially for selfish reasons. Let her go. It sounds like she needs some time to focus on herself right now. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to do the same."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my girlfriend?", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "Changing scenery often helps in recovery. Could you move with her? Moving could help her depression also. Is she also open to therapy? Being supportive is one way to help her, and allowing her the space and ways to heal that suits her best."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my girlfriend?", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "I would say talk to her about her depression. The best thing you can do is let her know that you are there for her as a support system. I would encourage her to talk more if it helps and encourage her to get move involved in doing activities she likes to do. Also, getting connected in a community of people is important to help with feeling depressed. Encourage her to speak with a therapist or counselor to address her depression as she has made a major change in her life by deciding to stop drinking. She may believe moving is the best to help with this. You can share with her that you want her to stay and express to her how you feel. Ultimately, you will have to respect her boundaries and the decision she chooses to make. She may want to move and this may be what she feels is best for her life. If she does choose to move that will be her decision. It sounds like she is trying to do what is going to make her happy. Maybe staying in the city she is currently in is causing her more feelings of sadness."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my girlfriend?", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "People often have very different values and opinions when they are drinking excessively and when they stop drinking so much.Did the two of you share drinking as an activity? If yes, then did you stop drinking too?Often when partners meet each other as drinking buddies when one gets sober, the relationship ends. Once the terms of any relationship changes, one possibility is that it dissolves.The best way to go is to start the conversation of what you genuinely want. This is the only way she'll really know your thoughts.Ask her to give serious consideration and discussion over at least a few weeks or months, to moving away from you. This is a fair request since you are in a relationship.If she's changed so much by giving up drinking, which is possible, that she no longer wants to be in relationship to you, then you are better off being without a drinking gf, even if the truth she delivers is a hurtful one."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my girlfriend?", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "After stopping the abuse of alcohol, depressive symptoms are common. She may benefit from exploring why she wants to move and see if she would still want to move if she did not feel depressed. 12 step meetings can also be helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my girlfriend?", "questionText": "My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.", "answerText": "You should start by speaking with her about what has her so down. Have their been some significant events in her life that have affected her? Have their been significant events in your relationship that can be affecting you both? If she just stopped drinking, she may be struggling to finding an alternativeand healthier behavior. This is something the two of you can explore together. Also, if need be perhaps she can speak to a therapist to discuss her feelings about quitting alcohol. It sounds like you really care and right now she could use all the support she can get despite her pushing you away."}, {"questionTitle": "Can i learn to be happy alone?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with an illness that will never go away and I feel like my life will never change for the better. I feel alone and that i have no one. How can I overcome this pain and learn to be happy alone?", "answerText": "The power of acceptance is key! Changing your attitude to one of more a positive outlook as we as finding things, activities, places you enjoy and that uplift your spirit. Doing what feels good and finding joy in all things. You may enjoy this very short video Break To Rebuild"}, {"questionTitle": "Can i learn to be happy alone?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with an illness that will never go away and I feel like my life will never change for the better. I feel alone and that i have no one. How can I overcome this pain and learn to be happy alone?", "answerText": "Is it possible that even though your illness is chronic, that it goes through phases in which you are more comfortable and that it requires less focus from you than at other times?I think the idea of having a lifelong illness is frustrating and can be depressing to think about. Thoughts are not necessarily the truth of what will actually happen though.Illness makes negative situations look worse so be sure you are concentrating on specific areas of your life and not just assuming they will work out badly because you are ill.One way to be happy alone is to love and appreciate, nurture and be kind to yourself.This frame of mind may generate new answers to find ways of being among other people too."}, {"questionTitle": "Can i learn to be happy alone?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with an illness that will never go away and I feel like my life will never change for the better. I feel alone and that i have no one. How can I overcome this pain and learn to be happy alone?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry you're feeling like things will never get better. Try to remember that whatever illness you are dealing with, you are not the only person to have dealt with it and you are not alone! Out there, just waiting for you, is a group of people that will totally understand what you're going through and will be able to share how they coped. Try searching for a support group for your illness - google and www.psychologytoday.com are both good places to start for those groups."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I feel angry, anxious, and depressed. The PTSD I suffer is from a past relationship.", "answerText": "I second the suggestion to find a therapist who is trained in Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)!I'll also add that all you describe is very common in PTSD. Emotionally, it's an exhausting condition and can take a lot of energy from the body. Depression is a common consequence of PTSD since many people experience functional repercussions (impacts in work, social, and familial settings). It's not fun to feel constantly terrified.To search for a therapist trained in what you are dealing with, it could be helpful to specifically search for folks who specialize in treating PTSD. You can do that through Google searches, or you can also head over to Psychology Today and Therapy Den. Both sites are therapist directories where you can narrow down the type of therapist you are looking for, as well as other factors like insurance they accept and location.You are on the right track coming here so keep up the search!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I feel angry, anxious, and depressed. The PTSD I suffer is from a past relationship.", "answerText": "If the symptoms are to the extent that they are affecting your ability to function, you may want to consider seeking treatment. PTSD, anxiety, and depression all typically respond well to treatment if provided by a trained clinician. Common types of treatment for PTSD that you may want to look into include Cognitive Processing Therapy or EMDR. The nice things about Cognitive Processing Therapy is that it is time limited and only lasts 17 sessions typically."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I have depression?", "questionText": "I had a very troubled up bringing and I'm currently dealing with alot right now. I know some people may not think so, but to me its a lot. I feel overwhelmed. Could this be depression? I use to be in therapy as a child. Alll throughout elementry, middle, and high school I had counseling 2-3 times a week. I haven't be in counseling lately though.", "answerText": "Thanks for reaching out with this important question!To start, I'll say the diagnosis for depression can differ depending on what the context of those markers are. For example, depression is diagnosed differently if there's a bipolar element or if someone is withdrawing from drugs or alcohol. It doesn't sound like that's what you're experiencing, but those are just two examples of many. How that's diagnosed is a process that a therapist is best equipped to do in person with a thorough assessment. Sometimes we find that depression is subclinical, meaning it doesn't reach the typical level of \"disorder\" (that doesn't mean it's less important or worthy of care). Most of the time, diagnosis doesn't make a huge difference in treatment, but there are some disorders that need pretty specific modalities and components--for example, people with Bipolar I often need medication to help stabilize symptoms.I'd also say that, more importantly, you know yourself best. You are clearly trying to make sense of some things you are feeling and maybe how they are connected to some things you've been through. I can also see you are motivated to feel better! No matter what others think, your perceptions and experiences are most important. You get to decide whether or not your circumstances are a lot for you. Not everyone is built the same and that is certainly impacted by trauma and significant stressors in the developmental years. It's also not your fault that things are hard. You didn't ask for, nor did you create, your life experiences.Overall, if you know some of your healing may come from naming what you feel you can absolutely continue to seek out solid information (and maybe that will be with a counselor if that's what you desire). Kudos to you for asking this question here, too. You are dedicated to yourself whether you see it that way or not!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I have depression?", "questionText": "I had a very troubled up bringing and I'm currently dealing with alot right now. I know some people may not think so, but to me its a lot. I feel overwhelmed. Could this be depression? I use to be in therapy as a child. Alll throughout elementry, middle, and high school I had counseling 2-3 times a week. I haven't be in counseling lately though.", "answerText": "What matters most is how you feel and what you're doing, with whom you're interacting, whether you feel you've got enough interaction to be happy.Whether or not a clinician would decide to identify you as \"depressed\" matters much less than how you actually are feeling, if you have some ideas as to what might improve your sense of being, and how to go about reaching your goals.If therapy during your childhood made you feel better and you feel you may be depressed, then trying therapy at this point in your life, makes sense.The worst that can happen is you find you feel better than you first understood.The best that can happen is you find a caring therapist who helps you find faith in yourself again."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I make new friends?", "questionText": "In the past year, two of my best and only close friends moved to different states. Now I have nobody to hang out with. I'm always alone, and I honestly haven't hung out with anyone since they left. I'm super lonely. What should I do to make new friends? Because they moved and I have no friends now, I think I'm falling into a depression or something. I just need help.", "answerText": "I am sending your loving vibes as you weather this time when you are trying to find new friends. I want to share a video about this very concern.How To Make Friends As An Adult"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I make new friends?", "questionText": "In the past year, two of my best and only close friends moved to different states. Now I have nobody to hang out with. I'm always alone, and I honestly haven't hung out with anyone since they left. I'm super lonely. What should I do to make new friends? Because they moved and I have no friends now, I think I'm falling into a depression or something. I just need help.", "answerText": "Definitely it is sad to lose friends who are a regular part of daily life.How did you meet the two friends who just moved away? Its possible that you could look for similar situations and see if anyone catches your interest to know as a friend.Keeping in mind that friendship is based on trust and common interests, and that these qualities require time to observe and develop, think of what you can do to keep happy while these paths unfold.In addition to being open to meeting new friends, involve yourself in projects from which you'll feel satisfied by your own results."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop feeling empty?", "questionText": "I feel lazy and numb. I have no interest in things.", "answerText": "The feeling empty could stem from various factors. Perhaps asking yourself what would help you feel full, what fills your cup, what does that mean to you for you? When were you last feeling fulfilled? What brings or has brought you joy? Have you read about, or researched what is called Dysphoria."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop feeling empty?", "questionText": "I feel lazy and numb. I have no interest in things.", "answerText": "Maybe right now it is time for you to rest before the next wave of new activity comes along.To have \"no interest\" may mean you are already so saturated with recent situations and their meaning that you are naturally withdrawing in order to regain your energy."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop feeling empty?", "questionText": "I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?", "answerText": "Why do I feel empty?Feelings of emptinessalack of meaning or purposeareexperienced by most people at some point in life. However, chronic feelings of emptiness, feelings of emotional numbness or despair, and similar experiences may be symptomatic of other mental health concerns, such asdepression, anhedonia, or schizophreniaLIke I say seek to get a check up physically and mentally to see if there are any medical under lining issues."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop feeling empty?", "questionText": "I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?", "answerText": "The feeling empty could stem from various factors. Perhaps asking yourself what would helps you feel full, what fills your cup, what does that mean to you for you? When were you last feeling fulfilled? What brings or has brought you joy? Have you read about, or researched what is called Dysphoria."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop feeling empty?", "questionText": "I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?", "answerText": "A feeling of emptiness can cause depleting emotions to emerge. It would be important to identify the sources of emptiness.You may want to try to tap into more regenerating emotions. For example, you might want to think about what brings you joy or situations in which you experienced gratitude. Practicing mindful breathing can also help you take your attention away from distressing feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop feeling empty?", "questionText": "I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?", "answerText": "I'm going to start by saying that you are definitely feeling something otherwise you wouldn't want to escape or change these feelings of emptiness and nothingness. That's definitely a good thing--it means you care about how you function and want a more meaningful life.What do you think once filled that emptiness that feels gone now? Was it people? Do you feel you've lost interest in things you once enjoyed? Or do you feel overall numb that seems to have come out of nowhere? Sometimes our bodies abandon emotion in order to save energy when we feel overly stressed or depressed--it's a self-preservation mechanism. It could be interesting to explore what used to give you a feeling of \"fullness\" and/or let you feel a range of emotions. That could mean engaging in things that once gave you joy, or even watching a movie that once made you cry--just a few ways to reconnect with your emotional side.Bottom line is you are concerned enough to ask this question so there's surely emotions happening under the radar. Working through this can be a process, so make sure you allow yourself to go at a realistic pace."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop feeling empty?", "questionText": "I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?", "answerText": "A feeling of emptiness can be from a lack of awareness and acknowledgment for the things, the people, the places that you have in your life. The use of affirmation and gratitudes helps to remind ourselves of all of the aspects of our lives."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop feeling empty?", "questionText": "I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?", "answerText": "Your question is very broad because feeling empty can develop for many different reasons.You're certainly not alone in feeling this way!Try to follow the logic of your feelings by asking yourself questions about the empty feeling. Doing this may open up a discovery about the reason for the emptiness feeling.When do you feel empty, are there certain situations it happens more often than another, what helps the feeling go away, what or who is helpful in relieving the empty feeling.Sometimes people need a little help to get started in understanding how to recognize their feelings.Consider a therapist, any disciplined practice which encourages self-knowledge, such as some yoga practices, and a creative discipline like photography or music.As long as you concentrate on increasing your self-understanding, eventually you'll find the answer to your question!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "First step always is to do a medical rule out so that you're sure the problem is psychological and emotion based, not a medical condition which requires care and attention.If you are medically clear in the reasons for losing your erection, then reflect on what may be creating a loss in confidence in either who you are and what you're doing with your life, or whether your wife has these sort of problems within herself.Often a problem transfers ownership of who shows it.If you are a sensitive person its possible your erection problem reflects your wife's insecurities and self-doubt. If she is someone who is reluctant to talk about feeling unsure then in a certain way by you showing a problem, she can avoid looking at herself.There may not be a direct cause such as usually exists in a medical problem.Medicine looks for symptoms to treat.Our emotional lives are much more indirect.If you feel stress at work or are unhappy in the place you live, for example, then your frustration may show up in your sex life.Basically, do a broad inward search of your life and what it holds and maybe ask your wife to do the same.You may clear the air within yourselves and between each other so the problem goes away."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "When I'm working with men with this type of situation, I always suggest a medical examination to rule out any type of organic reason for a difficulty in maintaining interaction. In cases where there is no medical reason for the loss of erection, I find that many men have a similar situation in experiencing negative intrusive thinking during lovemaking. My counseling approach for this situation is to incorporate the use of mindful sex."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "For starters, know that this is a normal experience for many men at some point in their lives. While this can certainly cause some embarrassment, a diminished sexual esteem or relationship problems, it is important to know you are not alone. I am going to move forward assuming that you have already checked with a medical professional to rule out any medical problems that may be related to this. Assuming that is the case, for most this happens for two primary reasons. It is either a short term biological shortage of blood flow to the penis. This can be caused my diet, lack of exercise, even stress. Another primary reason for loss of erections are anxiety. Have their been recent relationship issues? Are you feeling as though you aren't satisfied in the bedroom? These are just a few aspects that can cause subconscious anxiety and loss of erection. My suggestion to you would be to seek out a counselor that specializes in sexuality that can assist you in moving forward with this. Best of Luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "This issue could come from any variables. The pressure of being satisfying, or if you have experienced any tension. Do you have any uncomfortable thoughts or is anything from your past coming up? Had you been socialized to believe certain things or did new beliefs come up? What were your models of healthy relationships? Was anything of substance coming up around the time this began? Some have found acupuncture to be helpful or even the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "Most men believe that getting an erection is just a given. However, research shows that men, even in their 20's and 30's can start to lose an erection sometimes. Unfortunately, what tends to happen is that men don't know this and become extremely upset and fearful after losing an erection because they don't know that it is normal and happens sometimes.Anxiety, depression and stress are the biggest culprits to losing erections at an early age. Anxiety or nervousness constricts the blood vessels, decreasing the amount of blood flow to the penis, thus diminishing an erection.Other reasons may be possible also, especially, when this first happened. My assumption would be that anxiety and fear of being able to keep your erection is contributing to continued difficulty with erections, but the initial cause would need to be explored more deeply.Initial causes of losing an erection could be many things. Anxiety, depression, stress, tiredness, or any negative emotion can cause you to lose your arousal and thus lose an erection. Also, I would encourage you to make sure that you see a doctor to check off that their are no medical concerns. Diabetes or weight issues might contribute to the loss of erection and so can other medical concerns.If it is causing relationship difficulties, the last thing you and your wife need to do is argue about it or get angry or frustrated with each other. I would encourage marriage counseling to make sure your relationship and COMMUNICATION is strong, especially around the topic of sex. I good sex therapist can probably assess what the initial contributing factor could be. A doctor to do a full medical check-up to make sure there are no physical issues (especially testosterone levels).Finally, one thing I encourage is to get back to the basics. Make sure your relationship is strong, keep excitement and dating and spontaneity a large part of your relationship. Bring enjoyment back into your relationship everyday. And, don't stress about the erection. Focus more on ENJOYING your wife, her body, and the all the experiences that come with \"MAKING LOVE\" to her. I have known men that can't get an erection, but still enjoy sex with their wife.With that said, if their are no physical concerns, then it is all in your head. So, learning how to relax and ENJOY the action is key!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "Erection maintenance is caused by connective tissue weakness as well as lymphatic stagnation of the area and accompanying channels. A proper detoxification is necessary to reverse the stagnation and get things flowing again.Lower circulation and pituitary might also be indicated.Medical will likely not recommend anything useful in the long term (pharmaceuticals do not solve a problem, only suppress it; and, it will return again later and worse than before);Certain herbal protocols and natural protocols would be very warranted in getting things going again :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "If you haven't already, please see a doctor. ED can be caused by any number of physical conditions and you need to get checked out.Once you have ruled out any physical issues that interfere with getting an erection, it's time to look for more subtle causes. Unfortunately, you may have gotten yourself into a mind set of \"I hope I can, but what if I can't?\" which is certain to interfere with performance.Again, rule out physical causes (can you tell I think that's important?), then talk with your wife about working together to find the right approach. It might be a good idea, for example, to take the pressure off by enjoying each other without intercourse. You can have great sex without penetration and you can have physical intimacy without sex, so slow down and experiment. You might find more pleasure than you expect when you can relax knowing there doesn't have to be a \"finish line\".Again, yes the third time, SEE A DOCTOR, just in case there's something going on. Once you get the all clear, find joy and spontaneity with your wife again by being creative and pressure free."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?", "questionText": "A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "Assuming there are no medical explanations for this issue, many men I've worked with on this come to see it as essentially a form of Anxiety. There is a phenomenon called the Yerkes Dodson Law (see below; source: Wikipedia), which basically states that if we feel either too much or too little stress, pressure, or nervousness about a task, it will adversely impact our ability to do carry it out successfully.The ideal amount of stress/arousal is right in the middle - not too little and not too much. This applies to more things than we might often realize - from giving a presentation, to ordering food, to making a free throw, to driving, to sexual intimacy as in this case. A common suggestion that many men find helpful is initiating open and honest conversations with their partners about this issue, and for a temporary period of time, agreeing to physical intimacy and sexual pleasure in other forms, and without the expectation of intercourse. There are many ways to go about that (which are outside the scope of this blog article), but this can be a path to connecting intimately and renewing physical bonding without unhelpful anxiety - and over time, can lead back to intimacy in all the ways that have become elusive. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "Oh dear.From what you write, your husband doesn't have any interest to know about you and your sad feelings.Stay clear in understanding that you already did your part by asking him to listen and care about the way you feel.In this example, he told you he doesn't care.Its up to him to open his mind and heart to you.Depending on how motivated to continue asking him to hear you, try until you feel satisfied that you've given him enough chances to know who you are. At a certain number of tries at this, you'll either have success or not.Just don't try forever because doing so will increase your depressed feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "Are you seeing a therapist? Do you take your depression seriously? The seriousness of this is gauged by how he feels about it. People typically feed off our energy. You feel you are depressed and if you want to take massive action towards your healing, doing what is best for you regardless of others reactions to it will be key!He may not have any first-hand experience with depression or how to handle it. He could not know how he can help. Regardless your mental health is key and seeking the support you need to move forward in a progressive way is essential. Get the support you need and embrace he may or may not come around as you seek the support you need and deserve."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that's how he's responding, that doesn't sound very helpful or validating of your emotions or respectful of your boundary to to communicate differently with you about your feelings and mental health. Ask if he's willing to read a book on communication with you (Gottman's \"7 Principles for Making Marriage Work\" is excellent!), or attend couples' therapy together so that you can work on building your emotional connection and have healthier communication. It's also possible that he's not willing to change his mind. Regardless of where he stands, you can always take steps yourself towards bettering your mental health and wellbeing - going to therapy, discussing medication with your doctor or psychiatrist (also have them do bloodwork to check your thyroid functioning, hormone levels, and complete metabolic panel to check for any vitamin deficiencies), moving your body in ways that feel good, spend time with friends doing something enjoyable or meaningful."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "What he hears and what you say or think he hears maybe the issue. You could be on different wave lengths. He might see how you act when not understanding emotional support. There are ways to communicate differently to get a different reaction. How is it worded. There are energy medicine techniques to test what type you are and what he is. How to connect through energy work."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "We cannot control how our partners will react when we ask for support. It is important to focus on what you can control, which is you. It is important to know what kind of support you need and lead with that. For example, \"I don't need you to try and fix this, but I need you to listen while I tell you what I have been feeling. When I am done, a hug would be nice.\" or \"I am feeling stuck and whenever I think about this issue I just get so sad, can you help find a solution.\" If we can tell our partner what we expect upfront, then it is more likely that you will feel supported. It is very empowering to know what we want and to ask for it! It may be hard to be direct because we want our partner just to know what we need, but that is not realistic. There are a few thinking errors in this conversation. Working with me you will learn all about thinking errors and how to replace them."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "Hmm... so, what part about this do you want him to take seriously? That you're depressed and you want him to acknowledge it or that you want help for it?One way to help him to \"take you seriously\" is to take yourself seriously. Maybe actively working on the depression will show him that you are really depressed and it's not because you want to be or if it is, it is a mental health disorder, and it is serious. I would start focusing on you. Focus on what you want to see in yourself and make it happen. With depression, it is difficult to do for yourself, that's why there are therapists out here to help make that load lighter. I would talk to someone to come up with a plan to focus on yourself and then your husband if he doesn't get there on his own. So the first step is to reach out to a therapist to help you to come up with a better plan, or put all of the great answers you get together and implement them. If that isn't enough, then make the first step by calling a therapist to set up an intake and that first appointment to continue your efforts. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "It can become painful when we feel unheard and invalidated. Especially if this becomes a pattern in our communication, we begin to build walls and boundary ourselves more rigidly, letting very little of our authentic selves out.As many others have said, your husband may feel defensive at the fact that you are unhappy and may not know how to process that feeling. It may be that your husband isn't clear on what you need when you tell him that you are depressed. In these scenarios, it often helps to ask yourself what needs do you specifically want met?Do you need a listening ear to vent to, only?Do you need a literal shoulder to cry on, physical comfort and reassurance that \"it will be okay.\"?Do you need feedback, advice, and guidance?Do you need to feel that your experience matters to your husband, and just hear him say \"I see and hear you and you matter to me?\"Do you need support in finding resources, or desire to seek therapy together with your spouse?When we're clear on our own needs, it's easier to communicate to our spouse without them failing to meet expectations that we may not have even known we had.If you are already seeking therapy for your depression, I encourage you to invite your spouse for a session so that your therapist can shed light on areas of your experience that your husband may not understand. If you find that this type of communication is a pattern in your marriage, seeking couples counseling will help solve that communication puzzle within your marriage and help you understand each other."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "That's so tough that you are feeling unheard and unsupported in your marriage. Depression is already a grueling experience and doing it alone can feel miserable.It's hard to know what will get through to him because I don't know a lot about your dynamic. Has there been a time in the past he has listened to you? Does he tend to feel responsible for your emotions, whether or not that pressure comes from you? Men, by nature, tend to be fixers more so than women. He may feel as if you are asking him to fix you, when in reality you just want his support. Could defining what you are looking for help?It sounds like what you really want is to be validated by him. Sometimes clearly defining your needs can send a message that you aren't out to prove how you feel--you just want your emotions heard. That doesn't mean he will respond the way you want, but voicing your needs is so important in any relationship.The other option here is, of course, marriage therapy. Men do tend to shy away from this option, but it could help with the communication piece.No matter his responses, keep taking care of you. You are obviously dedicated to getting your needs met, which is a wonderful way to try to help yourself!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "When you first fell in love, you could never imagine that someday the sound of your partner chewing could make you want to scream. Its inevitable that once we are out of our honeymoon phase and reality sets in, we realize that all relationships take work and compromise. But while some relationships may hit bumps in the road every so often, other couples find themselves in bigger trouble, with neither party knowing exactly how to fix things. What are the signs it's time to try relationship counseling?If you are in a relationship that is no longer feeling healthy, here are 5 signs that it may be time to try relationship counseling:1. There is No Longer Healthy CommunicationOnce you have a communication breakdown, you are unable to rationally share thoughts, feelings, and concerns with each other. Beyond this, unhealthy communication tends to leave one or both partners feeling depressed, angry and hopeless.2. Trust Has Been BrokenWhen there has been infidelity, it is very difficult for the couple to rebuild trust and repair the damage. While there is no magic pill to recover from an affair, a therapist can offer tools and strategies to rebuild trust.3. Youre More Like RoommatesIf you and your partner act more like roommates than romantic partners, this indicates a lack of intimacy and a potential need for professional help.4. One or Both of You Has Begun Acting OutYou try to mask your real feelings for as long as possible, but then you start to act out the hurt and resentment you may be feeling. For instance, if your partner has been unfaithful and you have agreed to stay in the relationship and work things out. But over time you find yourself lashing out, acting rude and trying to make them believe you are having an affair so they will feel the same kind of hurt. This acting out is unhealthy for both people and is a BIG indicator you need to seek some help.5. When the Only Solution Seems to be Separation/DivorceA break from negative energy can be very helpful to the relationship. But when a temporary break leads to more and more time away from home and someone renting their own apartment, this indicates a need for counseling. Spending time away from home usually doesnt lead to any real resolution, just more distance.If you and your partner are interested in exploring options, reach out! Schedule a free consultation with our in-house relationship expert to discuss how they may be able to help."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "Ouch. It's really hard to deal with a spouse that isn't taking you seriously. In this case, I would plan for and schedule a time to talk with him about this. I would tell him that you need about 30 minutes to talk to him with minimal interruptions about something that is important to you. Schedule a time, write notes if you need reminders about what you need to express, and tell him how you feel.Ideally, you would focus more on I-statements instead of telling him what he is doing wrong. For example, I feel ignored vs You always ignore me. By focusing on how you feel, he is less likely to feel attacked and get defensive.Some people go to couples or marriage counseling for help with communication. Chances are there are things that BOTH of you do that hurts your communication. Overall, try to talk to him directly and try not to get defensive. If he continues to say, you're always sad - then stay calm, say \"okay, can you help me understand that more?\" or \"That's interesting. Tell me what you see.\" Reach out to a couples counselor for more help with communication strategies. Sometimes a 3rd party can help you both see things in a different perspective. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "This is so hard. It is hard for someone to understand what depression is without having experienced it themselves. Unfortunately people without depression sometimes mistake it as feeling sorry for ourselves or just moping around, which is not what depression is at all. Sometimes I think that it is easier for family members to see it as a choice than to admit that someone they love is hurting and they dont know what to do. If he is willing, I wonder if there may be a depression support group in your area such as NAMI or DBSA where he could hear from from others living with depression and their families. If not, I wonder if you all might watch a documentary together such as No Kidding Me Too or Call me Crazy. If not that, ive sometimes encouraged folk to just leave some information on depression and how family can help like a pamphlet or handout on a table or around the house. We tend to get curious and read things we find on the table. Wishing you the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?", "questionText": "I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said \"you're always sad or depressed.\" And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, \"Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true.\" And he said, \"Whatever babe. You just want to be sad.\" How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?", "answerText": "It can be hard for husbands to hear that their wife is unhappy. By nature men tend to be more of the fix it type. So if they are sad, they fix it. If their wife is sad, they fix it. He may feel helpless to help you and that may be why he is saying those things to you. It's not that he doesn't care or that he doesn't take them seriously, he might just have no idea how to help. I would start by making an appointment to talk with a therapist about your sadness. Meeting with a therapist may help you to learn some tools and strategies that can help you to manage some of the sadness you are feeling. A therapist can also help you to gain some understanding and insight into why you might be experiencing sadness. Depression is not something you have to sit with, therapy can help. Once your husband sees that you are being proactive in addressing your sadness/depression he will probably be more open to listening to you and supporting you. He might start to have ideas and input on how you two can work together to change some of the situations or things that might be holding you bakc."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) is a term that reflects how many people are affected by the changing seasons, especially fall to winter. Everyone suffers with some form of this (lessened activity levels, increased isolation, etc.) while some find that this time of year can put them into a deeper depression. If you have noticed that this happens frequently, there are some ways you can definitely help yourself going forward:1. Attend therapy to learn strategies and tools to help you to manage your mood. It's important to stay within the therapy until you feel you have mastered these tools.2. Push yourself to interact more with your social groups and other positive activities. It's easy to go out and spend the day outside in the summer months, when the temperature is warm and the sun shines for long periods of the day, but it seems harder to find fun ways to spend your time when the temperature drops and darkness comes on so quickly. Perhaps winter time could become the time of year where you and your friends have weekly board game nights, complete with hot chocolate and a fire?3. You may want to consider the purchase of a S.A.D. Light. These are lights that expose you to additional ultra violet light to increase the vitamin D in our bodies, as well as the release of growth hormone (which releases when we wake up). There are mixed reviews of these products, however, and they can be expensive."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "I would suggest some holistic approaches, such as getting your Vitamin D and iron levels checked. Make sure you are eating well, exercising, and getting outside when you can. Take a trip to someplace warm if possible. Use a sun lamp in the morning for 30 minutes to simulate sunlight. Seek professional health to gain coping skills and other ways to manage symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing. It seems like since the \"winter blues\" happens to you every year it may also be impacting your quality of life and possibly relationships. What you report sounds like you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and is quite common to many from about fall thru winter seasons; but, also can impact folks during the Spring and summer months.The best care and treatment for SAD includes discussing it with your PCP (primary care physician), integrating light therapy (full-spectrum lighting) throughout home and workplace (where possible), psychotherapy, and possibly medications (e.g.Wellbutrin XL, Aplenzin).Be sure to exercise good self-care and checkout the Mayo Clinic's website for SAD here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Light therapy is very helpful. You are not alone. The name for the condition is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). You might want to see a therapist to assist you putting in place a behavioral program to help change the way you feel."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "I can understand the winter blues can truly be a hurdle in your life. I wanted to share these two videos that could be beneficial in your search to combat your winter sadness. The REAL irritation behind Winter IllnessHow to feel held, holiday warm, at home, nurtured, in a winter wonderland!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Seasonal depression may be something you are experiencing. The great thing is that every fight can be won with a plan. You can create a game plan for what do to or where to be during this season. I would connect with someone to create that plan. Implement it when the winter season comes again and see if you have the same results as last year without having a plan."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "I am glad that you are getting ahead of this by noticing this seasonal pattern to your depression. Winter depression (seasonal affective) is something that affects a lot of people both people who also deal with other kinds of depression that happens to get worse in the winter as well as people who just deal with depression in the winter. Light affects how our bodies release and absorb neurotransmitters such as serotonin and most believe that a major contributing factor for winter depression is that we get less light when it is colder outside and darker outside. Exposure to light can make a big difference. If you are someone who is awake during the day (not someone who works the night shift :) )---one simple change you can make is keeping your curtains in your bedroom light enough as to let some light in in the morning. This will give you light right off the start of the day and can make it easier to get going in the morning. Beyond this, keeping windows cleared from blinds so that you get that natural light or even taking a short 10 or 15 minute walk each day can get you both light and exercise to help fight off the depression. Outside this, as others have suggested a light box is a popular method of warding off the depression however some of these may expose you to UV light and so this is something to check in with both with the light box manufacturer and with your doctor to make sure you have a good understanding of the risks and benefits for that. Lastly, just making sure you continue to do things that lift your mood, that you have time with other people, and that you reach out if you do find yourself in a space of needing help are all things you can do to ward off the depression. Wishing you well!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "This is actually pretty common. When winter hits, we tend to find ourselves huddled inside from the cold. Not to mention the sun is out for a much shorter time. It will be helpful to get as much sunlight as possible. Get outside when you can. Open up the blinds and drapes. Use a sunlight if you want to (amazon has some for reasonable prices). Stay connected to friends and family. Try to engage in activities that make you feel positive, productive, and connected."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Cold climate is often accompanied by grey skies, snow and ice. The elements along with wind, windchill and severely cold temperatures may lead to feelings of sadness, anxiety, and low energy. For some people these symptoms occur each year from late fall to early spring and may be suffering from a condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Whether you have been diagnosed with SAD or are finding yourself struggling with the winter blues for the first time here are some suggestions for feeling better and staying healthy.1. NutritionMost likely you have heard the term comfort food. These foods and snacks are high in carbohydrates, sugar and fat. Avoid overeating cookies, cakes and candy. Chose vegetables, fruit and protein for snacks and plan balanced meals. If you find yourself wanting to eat or snack throughout the day, ask yourself why you are eating. Are you hungry? Or Are you eating because you are bored?2. AlcoholKeep in mind that alcohol is a depressant so consuming wine, beer or liquor when already feeling sad, anxious or depressed will only add to your symptoms. Do not consume alcohol while engaging in outdoor activities such as snow removal, skiing, or ice fishing. If you find yourself reaching for an additional glass of wine or beer be mindful and ask whether you are doing it due to boredom. Instead of mindlessly taking another glass of alcohol, drink a glass of water. 3. SunlightGet out in the sunlight or brightly lit spaces, especially early in the day.4. Be activeIf you are unable to go to your favorite gym, exercise class or go for a run, find a way to stay active in your home. There are a lot of short, instructional programs available on YouTube that you can follow to do some gently yoga, dance, or do strengthening exercises using only your body weight.5. Reach out for help Confide in someone you trust about how you are feeling. Do not hesitate to contact a counselor if you feel that you are becoming more depressed and anxious. If you experience thoughts of suicide call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "First of all, it is excellent that you are self aware and able to identify the pattern to your moods. Many people suffer from the winter blues, which is called Seasonal Affective Disorder. Some people notice that during the Fall and Winter months, they tend to struggle with signs and symptoms of depression such as sadness or hopelessness, lethargy, sleeping to much or too little, changes in appetite, loss of interest in usual interests, and possibly suicidal thoughts. It would be best to consult with a therapist experienced in this disorder, as they will be able to guide you towards possible solutions such as changing negative thought patterns, light therapy, exercise, nutritional support, and possibly medication."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Many peope uffer from changes in mood when the winter time comes. The amount of daylight hours decreases significantly. Most times it is dark when you go to work and dark when you return home. There are special lights that can be used during the winter season to counteract the \"winter time blues.\" Also, paying attention to self care. Are you sleeping enough, attending to physical illness? Exercising and eating a balanced diet? Make sure to schedule fun activities and spend time with loved ones."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "About 3 million people in the United States suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Seasonal affective disorder or seasonal depression occurs during the same season every year. You might have feel feeling depressed the past two winters, but cheered up during the warmer months. Or you may have felt down during the summer.Everyone could get seasonal depression, but it tends to be much more common in :People who have families who have SADWomenIndividuals between 15 and 55 years oldIndividuals who live in an areas where winter daylight time is very shortNo mental health experts are exactly sure of what specifically causes SAD, but many think lack of sunlight is a big trigger. This lack of light could mess up your circadian rhythms or cause problems with serotonin which is the chemical that affects your mood.You might be wondering if you have seasonal depression or SAD. Here are the symptoms:Feeling grumpy, sad , nervous of having mood swingsAnhedonia or lack of pleasure in things you normally loveEating much more or less than usualGaining weightSleeping a lot more than you normally do, but still feeling sluggingDifficulty concentratingIt is so important to look at SAD in a holistic manner before getting diagnosed. In addition to therapy, it's crucial to see your doctor so she or he can run blood tests to rule out any other conditions that may be making you feel blue. One of these common ones is hypothyroidism or low thyroid. At Makin Wellness, we could do the mental heath assessment .TreatmentThere are multiple ways to help treat seasonal depression. Light therapy can be used, but counseling is one of the most effective ways of treating SAD. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a skilled therapist can help you learn more about seasonal depression , how to manage your symptoms and ways to prevent future episodes. Medication can also be prescribed and taken to help alleviate some or your symptoms. Antidepressants such as Zoloft, Effexor and Wellbutrin are most commonly prescribed for SAD. Be sure to talk with your doctor and therapist about any side effects from your medication."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "One theory is that instead of \"fighting\" your feelings, accept your sad feelings and work with them. Feeling sad may open many doors to reflect and make peace with the source of your sadness.Also, I believe fighting against the natural cycle of rest and hibernation may not even be possible to succeed. Winter for most creatures is a time of withdrawal and slowdown. Our bodies and moods are part of nature as well. Fighting what is part of nature seems like a tiring fight which the person will lose.Last point, there are the winter holidays to break up the dark and cold of winter. Maybe you can invent some of your own winter celebrations so you'll have a few gatherings to look forward to hosting."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Sometimes its quite literally the lack of sunshine that can affect our mood - in these cases it can be worth experimenting with a sun lamp, to boost your dose of vitamin D, when the sun isn't naturally out. Also consider, what is it that the change in weather, changes in your life? If for example, when its sunny you are an outdoorsy, active person and when the weather changes, you're whole activity level changes along with it, you could explore how to get some of that activity replicated indoors in the winter months."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Change your total daily routine, different route, different lunch, different afternoon. Sit outside for 10 minutes three times every day, use a therapy light during the day, aroma-therapy oils for stimulation, but....keep your routine bedtimes and wake up times......and exercise at least 3 times per week, if after several weeks you are not feeling better....talk with your doctor."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "Seasonal depression can be difficult due to the weather being a primary trigger. Understanding that we have very little control over the weather, therefore we can focus on the things we can change. Exercising, meditation, guided imagery, and deep breathing can be beneficial to combat seasonal depression. It may help to join a support group and seek out therapy to assist you on this healing journey."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": "There can be lots of different factors contributing to this. Here are some possible tips:Consider if you know anything about what specifically is making you feel sad? If you're looking for activities because you cannot participate in what you like to do in the warmer months, consider finding some indoor winter activitiesConnect with others. One idea is to join a group (such as a book club) that meets regularly. This could give you something to look forward to regardless of the colder weather.Enjoy the sunshine from indoors. You may notice that sometimes looks are deceiving women is bright and sunny outside, but is also quite cold when you open the door. If you are staying inside for the day, consider allowing yourself to enjoy the sunlight without specifically considering that it is also cold.Consider using a light box. Certain types of light boxes are designed to help with the \"winter blues.\" You can find more information here:http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/light-therapy/home/ovc-20197416Recently, one of the nurse practitioners that I work with has been checking a lot of vitamin D and vitamin B12 levels and she says the lower levels of these vitamins can contribute to feelings of less motivation or energy than is desired.Each of us has days when we are not thrilled about the weather and may be feeling sort of \"bummed\" or \"down.\" If you find yourself having these days frequently or for several consecutive days in the above strategies are not helping, consider talking with a therapist about more specific strategies that may be of help to you. Also, because if everything you would see is likely to live in your area, they would be familiar with the weather patterns where you are and may have some tips that they use for themselves or With other clients."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I best fight the winter blues?", "questionText": "Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Dear there could be under lining issues maybe even medical. Energy Work and a good check up could help. Maybe even try Reiki ...professional like myself offer services distance that can help with this. But first go get a good check up. family doctor, blood tests, CAT scan, hormones, women....... always consult your doctor first or if you need immediate help contact a crisis hotline I also would suggest this BOOK to read. If you want something to listen to or practice try this Program."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question and seeking advice on this. Feelings of worthlessness is unfortunately common. In fact, most people, if not all, have felt this to some degree at some point in their life. You are not alone.Changing our feelings is like changing our thoughts - it's hard to do. Our minds are so amazing that the minute you change your thought another one can be right there to take it's place. Without your permission, another thought can just pop in there. The new thought may feel worse than the last one! My guess is that you have tried several things to improve this on your own even before reaching out on here. People often try thinking positive thoughts, debating with their thoughts, or simply telling themselves that they need to \"snap out of it\" - which is also a thought that carries some self-criticism.Some people try a different approach, and there are counselors out there that can help you with this. The idea is that instead of trying to change the thoughts, you change how you respond to them. You learn skills that allow you to manage difficult thoughts and feelings differently so they don't have the same impact on you that they do right now. For some people, they actually DO begin to experience less hurtful thoughts once they learn how to manage the ones they have differently. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy may be a good choice for you.There is information online and even self-help books that you can use to teach you the skills that I mentioned. Because they are skills, they require practice, but many people have found great relief and an enriched life by learning them.As for suicidal thoughts, I am very glad to read that this has not happened to you. Still, you should watch out for this because it can be a sign of a worsening depression. If you begin to think about this, it is important to reach out to a support system right away. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. The text line is #741741.I hope some other colleagues will provide you more suggestions.Be well...Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "First of all, its a strength that you are openly seeking help for this problem. As others have said, it would be best to get a therapist you can work with because as humans we heal in relationship with others. Here are a few things I would explore and suggest working on:1.) Questions to explore: When did you start feeling worthless? Why do you feel worthless? What does it mean to be worthwhile? Where are these beliefs coming from? How are you measuring your worth?2.) Check the facts: are people TELLING you that youre worthless or treating you like it? If so, start setting some boundaries, communicating your feelings, and/or get those people out of your life. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good. If you believe youre worthless even if youre treated well by people youre surrounded with then...3.) start to challenge the belief that youre worthless. Start to cultivate the belief that youre worthwhile regardless. Is there any part of you that can believe it, even just a little bit? Spend time focusing on this each and every day.4.) do things that help you build confidence and mastery. Find something you enjoy and want to get better at or learn more about. Invest time in learning a new skill and practice being patient with yourself.5.) practice mindfulness. That involves being non-judgmental and curious rather than criticizing yourself or emotions. 6.) do something that makes you feel like you have a purpose- even if its small Iike visiting some lonely people at a nursing home or volunteering at an animal shelter. It may seem small but it matters a great deal to the one you helped!I wish you all the hope, healing, and happiness you deserve!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "First thing I'd suggest is getting the sleep you need or it will impact how you think and feel. I'd look at finding what is going well in your life and what you can be grateful for. I believe everyone has talents and wants to find their purpose in life. I think you can figure it out with some help."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are having some pretty severe depression. Depression can cause insomnia, and make a person focus on their own perceptions that they are \"worthless\". It is important to remember that other people may not truly perceive you as worthless. This is the depression talking. I think that it is extremely important when you are this depressed, to sit down and write down some positives about yourself. What are your strengths? What are some positive things that your have done in your life? It concerns me that you are having suicidal thoughts. It sounds like now is the time to act on the idea of getting some help for yourself. If you feel like you might actually take your life, I would recommend that you go to a hospital emergency room, or a mental health crisis clinic right away to get some help. The most important thing right now is to keep yourself safe. If you are feeling like you are not going to hurt yourself despite your suicidal thoughts, I would recommend that you focus on finding a therapist as soon as possible. I don't know what your situation is in terms of insurance. The back of your insurance card should inform you how to obtain mental health services. There are also low cost services available with such places as Catholic Charities, and others. Your local county mental health agency should be able to refer you to some appropriate places. Good luck. Remember to identify your strengths, and the good things about yourself. Marie"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "If everyone thinks you're worthless, then maybe you need to find new people to hang out with.Seriously, the social context in which a person lives is a big influence in self-esteem.Otherwise, you can go round and round trying to understand why you're not worthless, then go back to the same crowd and be knocked down again.There are many inspirational messages you can find in social media. Maybe read some of the ones which state that no person is worthless, and that everyone has a good purpose to their life.Also, since our culture is so saturated with the belief that if someone doesn't feel good about themselves that this is somehow terrible.Bad feelings are part of living. They are the motivation to remove ourselves from situations and relationships which do us more harm than good.Bad feelings do feel terrible. Your feeling of worthlessness may be good in the sense of motivating you to find out that you are much better than your feelings today."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I know feeling worthless is very hard to handle. You are valid! Has anyone who you value and respect, said you are worthless? Working thru how you can begin to feel worthy within yourself. To self-generate within yourself how valuable you are, and invest less time in what others think of you. No one gets to decide the sum total of your worth other than you. Practicing self-love and compassion, grace towards yourself, and feeling confident within yourself could be a crucial step towards feeling more worthwhile. List something you are good at and have been complimented on. Also this video Self-Esteem & Worthiness Affirmations - Remember Your Worth and Valuecould be beneficial. Perhaps engaging in some thought/pattern interruption, where you Interrupt the thought, focus, redirect elsewhere, somewhere more positive, thinking on times, events, activities where you felt worthy and capable."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Hello, I'm sorry that you experiencing a very low moment in life. Sometimes we all go through life circumstances that can be challenging, traumatizing and overwhelming.On reading this question, it sounds as though you have gone through some hardships that have made you question what your sense of self in what belief, value especially about yourself.It sounds as though you are emotionally overwhelmed and stuck and now you are overthinking.You may be depressed and you may need to talk to someone professional about your condition. Processing past hurts maybe somewhere to start especially identifying the pain, hurt, anger, loss among the other emotions you may be feeling.Again you may need to talk with someone so you do not feel defeated in your efforts."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Hi there - Here are some things for you to consider:First things first - its much more likely that You feel that you are worthless to everyone - not them thinking that. Its hard to think or perceive beyond our own mindset. It is doable but with practice and assistance. Often what we think/believe about ourselves is NOT what others think or perceive. This is a thinking trap known as mind reading. I have a blog post on my website about this.Second, although what you are describing sounds consistent with depression, know that you - with professional help -- can positively effect how you feel and perceive yourself and your surroundings. MANY others have felt similarly and have gotten betterThird, be curious about your situation. Ask yourself, \"Am I sick and tired of being sick and tired?\" If so, then ask the next question, \"then why have I Not gotten around to doing something about it?\" If not tired of being sick and tired, then ask yourself, \"why not? And do I REALLY want to feel this way for life?\" Depressed folks generally do not prioritize themselves to seek - and sustain help. Hence, why you said you \"never got around to it\" all the while feeling down and blue and not able to sleep. Here is another question to ask yourself, \"If I were oozing blood or pus from a cut and it would not stop - would I seek help?\" If so, why then, but not now in this situation?Fourth, seek a live licensed mental health professional NOW. I understand you never thought about suicide before, but that was before. Suicidal thoughts and tendencies can be sudden and automatic. Depression is one of the main drivers for suicidal ideations and attempts.This is a nice first step to gain insight. Take the next step, to seek help.Ohh, I understand it can be a maze in finding help - some ways to do it are:- If you have health insurance to their site and use a keyword search for depression- Read some of the information and see which one connects with you a bit more- No health insurance, go to Psychology Today or this site to see if someone is in city (or state if online therapy). Search by depression- Also if having a major issue paying for therapy - go to a church counseling center or non profit to see if they have reduced rates. They can be staffed with interns but they are all supervised by seasoned clinicians - and that help is much better than what you likely have now.A motto I have - partially from my grandmother - is Know Better. Do Better. Live Better. You are in process of knowing. Continue on."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "You need to seek counseling/psychotherapy !"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Feeling worthless is a hard feeling to have. How do you carry this with you all the time? The question is what is getting in the way of you \"fixing\" this one? This definitely is about how you feel about yourself. Try some Brain/Bodyspotting Therapy, to help heal the deep limbic system, since that's where your emotions live anyway. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Short answer: YES.Feelings of worthlessness can have many sources. Some examples: feeling like you don't measure up; repeated experiences where you were told you were worthless; abrupt life changes; and depression. Once those thoughts start, we often latch onto them for dear life because they serve a purpose and actually help us in some way. A big key to starting the journey to self-acceptance and self-worth is to understand whyyou feel worthless. Where the heck did these thoughts come from? Get curious about it.Once you start to understand where these invalid thoughts are coming (I know these thoughts are invalid for a fact because I, a random therapist on the internet, cares for you and knows your worthy. So, take the jump and start exploring that intricate noggin' of yours. You've got this!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "How we feel is often connected to what we are thinking. If you pay attention to your patterns of thinking (self-defeating thoughts, negative self-talk, etc.) and reframe or replace unhealthy thoughts, you most likely will be able to change how you're feeling, which will also lead to changes in behavior. I support clients in going through this recognize/replace process."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "The sense of being worthless appears to certainly be a limiting belief about yourself that you have been cultivating. One way to transform a limiting belief to a more adaptive and empowering belief would be to explore if there exists any evidence to support the limiting belief about worthlessness. First list all of your personal strengths, or talk with a supportive friend who can give you feedback about the qualities you have that they love about you. You may soon discover that there is little evidence to support your limiting belief. You can also experiment with asking yourself- supposing I believed the opposite of my limiting belief? The theorist, Karen Horney used to say that each individual has a unique universal inner power which represents a fountain of the growth process. I encourage you to tap into that inner power and develop new, empowering ideas about who you truly are."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Hello and thank you for your question. In my work with clients who are experiencing depression due to low self-esteem, it is not uncommon to experience the myriad of symptoms that you are having. You have already taken the first step toward change by acknowledging that it needs to occur so congratulate yourself. One way to begin to change your feeling of being worthless to everyone is to change your \"self-talk\". You may have learned this negative language (ex. use of absolutes like always, never, all the time, everyone, and no one) throughout your life and being mindful of this language and being specific (ex. at times, some times, etc.), can help lessen the feeling of being \"worthless.\" Another step to remedy this is to learn ways to become more compassionate with yourself. Attending a support group could help with learning self=compassion. Joining a support group could also help you see that you are not alone in how you feel, thus helping you to feel less isolated and less uncommon. Lastly, seek out professional assistance from a therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. Some insurances are waiving co-pays (depending on your plan eligibility and benefits) during the COVID-19 epidemic and if you do not have insurance, try out OpenPath.org. They offer low cost online (telehealth) counseling to those who are in need of it. Remember, you are NOT alone. This feeling is all too common, but with the right help, support, encouragement, and resources, you can turn this feeling of \"worthlessness\" into a feeling of \"worthiness\". Best wishes.Valerie Kuykendall-Rogers, MA, LPC-S"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Therapy is essential for those that are feeling depressed and worthless. When I work with those that are experiencing concerns related to feeling of depression and issues with self esteem. I generally work with my client to help build coping skills to reduce level of depression and to assist with strengthening self esteem, by guiding my client with CBT practices. CBT helps with gaining a better awareness of how your thought process influences yourbelief system, and how your beliefs impact your actions and the outcome of your behaviors. This process isnt easy but it helps teach an individual that we dont always have control over what happens in our lives but we can control how we interpret, feel, and behave. CBT is good for individuals dealing with depression, anxiety, toxic relationships, stress, self esteem, codependency, etc."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I first want to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings and there is always someone there to help. You can always change your feelings and change your way of thinking by being open to trying to change. You can always make yourself available to learning new things or volunteering so that you can make a purpose for yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Heck, sure thing, hun!Feelings of 'depression' have a deeply-rooted base in physical structures that may not be functioning very well at present; and, we can certainly turn them on again using means that you are able to find around the house and with relative ease :)After that, emotional and spiritual support will be liberally applied."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "You are exhibiting some specific traits of a particular temperament type. Seek out a counselor who provides NCCA temperament therapy and discover the joy of being you -- God loves you as you are!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "That is intense. Depression is a liar. Sometimes depression places these glasses over our eyes, these dark sunglasses that change how we see things.Depression tells us things like \"you're worthless\" \"no one likes you\" \"don't worry about doing anything.\" And it is so easy for us to listen and to be tricked into thinking that just because we feel something means it is true. Please know that even if you are feeling worthless right now, that doesn't mean you are worthless.The first step to working through this is recognizing what is going on. Recognizing when depression is telling you the same story (ie; being worthless) with different words (ie worthless here, worthless there) and making an effort to talk back.While I can not give you a diagnosis of depression, reading what you are going through, it sounds like you might need help to get back on track. Seeing a counselor can open an entirely new option up wherein someone who is not involved in your life can help you without judgement and with an objective perspective. This can do wonders in unwrapping these kinds of thoughts. Wishing you the absolute best!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "It sounds like you may be putting yourself last. You wrote that you want to fix your issues but never get around to it. I wonder how you are spending your mental and physical energy. Are you spending time taking care of and doing for others? I also wonder where the thoughts and feelings of being worthless are coming from - are you around people who treat you poorly or are hurtful? Or do you feel it is more of a worry you have but aren't really sure how others feel? It may be helpful to talk to someone about your feelings - a counselor perhaps - to clarify your feelings and move forward from se that are hurting you."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "It must be really difficult to experience what your going through right now. It takes a lot of courage to reach out. It sounds like you want to get better, but perhaps need some help to get over the hump. Many of the symptoms you have described are consistent with a person who is dealing with depression. Depression is a treatable condition. Typically, if these symptoms have persisted for more than two weeks, then it is a good idea to seek professional help. Someone who is trained in dealing with depression. Initially, a comprehensive assessment would be completed to rule out any other causes for your symptoms and to determine the exact nature of your presenting concern. Then, in collaboration with one another, a tailored treatment plan would be developed, focusing on how to best help you reach your goals. The good news is that their is hope for getting better! You don;t have to do it alone. Allow me to be your ally in healing."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "People who feel worthless were, in one way or another, were told that they are worthless. This is the lie that they are living with. The work of therapy is to help people see their true good selves. This gives them self esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this intense emotion of worthlessness. I'm glad to hear this has not reached the point of suicidal ideation; however, it does sounds like you could use some additional support right now. I would recommend seeking out counseling to help you challenge the negative beliefs you have about yourself. Although many types of therapy would be helpful, cognitive-behavioral therapy has been shown to be a good approach for this type of struggle. A CBT therapist can help you identify your negative thoughts and beliefs, figure out the ways your thoughts are being distorted (for example, all-or-nothing thinking, or discounting the positives about yourself), and reframe your thoughts to be more positive. You might also consider EMDR therapy, which helps the brain reprocess traumatic or distressing memories and helps you move forward with more positive beliefs about yourself. Best wishes!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "It sounds like you may be struggling with depression. Depression can make you feel overwhelmed and paralyzed to change. I would suggest that you connect with a provider who can help you get to the root of where the worthlessness is coming from and help you develop a plan for recovery. In the meantime, small steps can go a long way. Self-care interventions such as journaling your feelings, mindfulness meditation, and regular exercise are all helpful to reconnecting with the present moment and gaining internal motivation. Focusing on one day at a time and bringing your thoughts back to the present can also be beneficial. There is hope!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I'm glad you are interested in changing your feelings of worthlessness. Visiting your doctor is a great first step to address your lack of sleep. First, you want to make sure that you are physically healthy and that there isn't a physical condition causing your problem with sleep.Changing your feelings is something that is difficult to do, especially on your own. Make sure that you have someone you can trust and you can talk to about how you feel. This can be a friend or a family member. If you find that there isn't anyone you would feel comfortable talking to about this issue, find a therapist close to you who can help.One activity that people have found helpful in feeling better about themselves is keeping a gratitude journal. You can do this by journaling daily about the things that you are grateful for. There is no right or wrong way of doing this, as long as you focus your journal entries on the things you are grateful for in life."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "You have several things going on here. The sleep should be addressed with a primary care physician to rule out any physical issues. Sleep is the big reset and allows us to function in the day. What happens during a depression is that our thoughts race and it is as though our brain wont shut off. Medication can help with this.I also use a Pranayama yoga breathing technique called the four fold breath which has great usefulness for relaxing us and often does work quite well with allowing us to sleep.. You can read about it here: https://billleavitttherapy.com/breathing-techniques-the-four-fold-breath/Your thoughts on feeling worthless to everyone fall under a heading of thinking error in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) known as overgeneralization. In CBT thoughts lead to emotions, so we are going to pick the statement apart and then reframe it. First list the evidence that contradicts the thought. Has anyone in the past made positive comments toward you? This might be hard to recall if we are in a rut, but at some point in life we frequently have had some positives expressed towards us by others. Everyone is an absolute. The specifics on why you are thinking this need to be addressed. How are you arriving at this conclusion? There may be specific people that we want more validation from. Or specific people might have made offhand hurtful comments, (such as a family member, teacher or co-worker) but if I extrapolate that to a global and think that everyone thinks I am worthless, that thought is not rooted in facts. What are the Pros and Cons of thinking this way? What are the Benefits and Costs? There are very little pros or benefits to thinking this way. Its just going to continue to tear you down and make you feel bad. So can we reframe the thought about the situation? Is there another way of looking at the situation? Again, we need the specifics on how you are arriving at this conclusion, and a one on one therapist can definitely help you with this, but the thinking that you are using to arrive at the conclusion needs to be re-cast into a more helpful mindset."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Hello, you sound like you have so much on your mind! I am relieved to hear that you have never tried or have contemplated suicide, but not being able to sleep, feeling worthless, and like you shouldn't be here are big issues that need addressing.Please get around to counseling. Having someone to listen to you is a gift to yourself. You deserve the help of someone helping you change your feelings of worthlessness. You have not been able to do this alone. It's time to reach out for help. You can do this! Best to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "You can, for sure... and the first step is to believe you are worthy TO YOURSELF. Recognizing you are in a quest is already a big first step. Taking the time to start figuring out who you are is definitely the next... do so with SELF COMPASSION and kindness. Know this is a process and just look forward for what you might find. I do recommend you find someone to talk to (there are many options out there that can fit the situation you are in), and I also recommend you start by giving yourself the importance to invest some time and effort in this quest. YOU DESERVE IT. There are some excellent TED Talks you can google, great books you can read, or even joining a yoga practice, team or some kind of hobby may help. Anything that shows yourself you are worthy of this effort. Have patience and start!!!! the answer is out there waiting for you. Asking these questions already set you on the right path."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Oftentimes we can change our feelings about ourselves by building a better relationship with ourself. It sounds like there is a very critical aspect of your self that is alive and taking over. Sometimes when we are stuck it is because a part of ourselves, a way that perhaps we learned to cope with difficult situations earlier in our lives, has decided to run the show. Like a highly critical part that may actually be desperately attempting to protect us from a past hurt.Slowing down and even forming a relationship with this critical internal part will help you get some space from it. When we can begin to observe parts of ourselves, be curious about them, get to know them like a new friend, then we have room for other ways of being. Beginning therapy could be a great way to change this feeling of worthlessness. Beginning to build a better relationship and understanding of yourself will deeply influence the relationships around you. This first step may feel hard, to reach out to someone, and it could be the beginning step to a path of radically shifting your relationship with yourself and others in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "Feelings of worthlessness often originate from what you learned about yourself when you were young. Improving your self esteem needs focus on that original message from parents, teachers or siblings that may be suppressed. Most of us need help to uncover the \"lie\" because you were born valuable!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "The feeling of being worthless is caused by your inside being not matching your outside result. Your comparison to others and you thinking you need to be someone other than who you are. You are not worthless. No one is worthless. You need to find your worth and not let yourself talk yourself out of the good you find in yourself. I hope these words resonate with you and that you start looking for your worth even if its as simple as I am able to get out of bed and call someone and make a joke."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "questionText": "I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?", "answerText": "I am sorry you are feeling this way. We all have narratives that we say to ourselves whether it is valid or not. In your case it would be beneficial to explore when and how this belief began and rewrite your story. There are different ways to explore and rewrite. This process requires commitment, self-reflection and courage."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm seriously unhappy with everything in my life but I know I don't have any reason to feel this way", "questionText": "I can't even smile or fake one. I can't feel happiness about anything and I can't show love towards another person not even my girlfriend. I hate myself sometimes. All I see is ugly. I can't get over the loss of a loved one and I'm not close to my family. What can I do?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "I'm seriously unhappy with everything in my life but I know I don't have any reason to feel this way", "questionText": "I can't even smile or fake one. I can't feel happiness about anything and I can't show love towards another person not even my girlfriend. I hate myself sometimes. All I see is ugly. I can't get over the loss of a loved one and I'm not close to my family. What can I do?", "answerText": "Did this begin around the time you suffered the loss of your loved one? You have my deepest condolences. Perhaps the grief around that is what is the root of your being unhappy."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm seriously unhappy with everything in my life but I know I don't have any reason to feel this way", "questionText": "I can't even smile or fake one. I can't feel happiness about anything and I can't show love towards another person not even my girlfriend. I hate myself sometimes. All I see is ugly. I can't get over the loss of a loved one and I'm not close to my family. What can I do?", "answerText": "Trust and believe your own feelings.Emotions are real and reflect how someone feels about a situation.Since you're sad about losing a loved one, be patient w your feelings about this. Basically, be guided by how you feel and eventually you will feel different emotions which I hope will be happier ones."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop treating people badly?", "questionText": "I feel like I'm so alone. I treat people horribly based on what's going on in my life and don't realize it. It ends up pushing them away, especially the ones I love the most. I have a weird feeling deep down inside, and it won't go away. I feel like I'm collapsing.", "answerText": "Give yourself a little more credit for self-observation!You wrote about treating people horribly and not realizing it. Only if you truly didn't realize what you were doing, then you wouldn't be able to write about it.A little self-examination goes a long way.You have some basic clues about yourself, such as pushing people away whom you love.Start with reflecting on the reasons for your behavior, especially any fears about a negative result from opening your heart to another person.The weird feeling you have is also an area to self-reflect and theorize about. From what you write, you have a solid awareness of your feelings. This is the place to start understanding more about your hesitation in relationship with others. This type of work can be done alone or with a therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "This is something that would be really awesome to get your healthcare team to collaborate with you on. Discuss medications and any lifestyle adjustments with your primary care provider (PCP); have your PCP do a full bloodwork up to check vitamin levels and thyroid functioning; have your OBGYN or PCP check your hormone levels and make any necessary adjustments or referrals to other providers to help support correcting any hormonal imbalances (possibly an endocrinologist); consult with a registered dietician to see if there's any dietary adjustments you can make to better regulate your hormones and mood. Listen to what your body needs as your cycle changes throughout the month!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "Have you ruled out anything medical? Having a balanced life takes some time and commitment. Sounds like you're ready, but you need someone to help guide you. I would find someone you connect with here. Besides that, check out this app, Brainwaves if you have an iPhone, if not, there's a brainwaves app on the android that helps with your internal brain frequencies to help you to feel better. There are 35 Binaural programs to choose from (iPhone app). The other thing is to create a new routine, incorporating meditation.A good program to follow is NEW START (Nutrition (What are you eating, is it benefiting you?), Exercise (Even a 30 minute Brisk walk is helpful), Water (Are you drinking half your body weight in ounces?), Sunlight (If it's still scarce, look for some Vitamin D to supplement), Temperance (Do you need Mental Health support, like working with a Therapist or Counselor?), Air (Are you getting fresh air in your lungs?), Rest (Are you getting restful sleep?), and Trust (which means Trusting in something bigger that you)). This is a daily thing to do. Hopefully, this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "That's some tough stuff to be dealing with.Have you ever tracked those highs and lows? I often have clients graph out those changes to see what kind of patterns show up. You obviously are very insightful already and maybe having a visual of what you know can help you prepare for some of those lows.Another curiosity I have is if you have seen your primary provider about what your body is going through. It's hard to give individualized recommendations without knowing more about your symptoms, but reaching out to your doctor could be a way to advocate for yourself. Do you ever feel manic when you have a lot of energy? How long do the \"highs\" last? Do your highs interfere with sleep? And what impact do your lows have on your functioning? Sometimes I have clients get checked out by a doctor to rule out physical issues that could be underlying the intensity of their symptoms. PMS definitely fits in this category, but it's always possible there's some other imbalance (e.g., lack of certain vitamins, thyroid dysfunction, etc.). Your doctor could even help collaborate with you to find some methods to deal with the depression/PMS.With the research we have on hormones and their impact on the body, it's pretty crystal clear that exercise has a huge benefit across all levels of emotional dysregulation. It has immediate positive impacts in the brain and body, and keeps the body running efficiently. Same with sleep--it's one of our most underrated functions. If you think of it like a house, your foundation represents those basic functions. If your foundation is shaky, it's going to be tough to support the rest of the house. Exercise is hard to push through, but it's really just those first 10-15 minutes that feel the worst. And you don't have to start somewhere super intense--even walking is wonderful for the body.Hope this helps a bit!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "It's fun to ride the roller coaster from time to time, isn't it? :)But, it's also weary-making, and leads to drainage that no man or woman can hardly anticipate!Balance comes with proper understanding of the different bodies you possess and how they function.And, to begin, we focus upon your physical, and move right up the latter to the spiritual, and begin cleaning you out.Unbalance is an experience of blocked energies that should be naturally flowing (call them what thou mayest); when blockages are removed, what is naturally there flows, and flows beautifully..."}, {"questionTitle": "How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "Depression and PMS symptoms can be so hard to navigate ! Looking at this from a holistic standpoint can help you understand why you get these mood swings and what to do to balance yourself emotionally during this time.As a woman, we experience peaks and dips during our hormonal cycles and right before menstruation, we tend to feel not ourselves and down. The bloating and extreme cravings do not help either.Making sure your schedule is light and you have things to assist you can be so helpful. Different essential oils like lavender may calm you down, or orange which can uplift your mood. Homeopathy can be effective and gentle during this time as well. Birth control is known to help reduce the extreme spikes in hormones and can reduce your emotional and physical pain. Perhaps even psychiatric medication like an SSRI can help . If you are interested in going down the medication route, be sure to ask the doctor about potential side effects and risks .Reducing your processed sugar intake may help a lot as well. Exercising, spending time outside, practicing stress management and avoiding caffeine and alcohol can all be useful as well."}, {"questionTitle": "How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?", "questionText": "I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?", "answerText": "You may already be living a balanced life because you are aware of your ups and downs due to hormonal changes of your menstrual cycle.As much as posible, schedule activities around your expected mood swings. This way you'll avoid feeling even more tired from a busy scheduled during a low energy time in the month.The hormonal cycle is normal.Opinions vary as to taking natural, homeopathic supplements or Pharma drugs which will influence your cycle and make your mood more even.There are side effects to at least the Pharma drugs, which is a consideration as to the value of taking them.Reflect on which is your style of living and what will make you feel successful in handling this problem.Sticking to a system which mirrors the type of person you are, means more than any one particular answer anyone gives you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "It's hard to answer this without knowing more specifically the anxiety and depression symptoms you are experiencing - but typically treatment for anxiety and depression is multi-faceted. Going to therapy, working with your primary care doctor to check for (and treat) any physical factors, learning healthy coping strategies for your anxiety and depression, increasing your social support, moving your body in ways that feel good, spending time doing something that's meaningful to you - all of these can be helpful for treating anxiety and depression!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Sending your some positive calming vibes first get a check up with your provider to see if there are any under lining medical issues ....hormone tests, blood tests, cat scans etc.... then when you are ready and referred start talk therapy. If you want to bypass that then do talk therapy or chat. I have services online that you can signup and it is private but it does cost to do so."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Consistent, quality, and effective mental health treatment can help you manage anxiety and depression. Anxiety and Depression are the two biggest reasons people enter therapy, so you are not alone. The goal of therapy is to give you the tools to be able to manage anxiety and depression better so that it does not impact your daily functioning. Sometimes we work really hard to avoid our anxiety and depression that it makes it worse. Therapy helps us confront the negative thoughts and replace them with something more realistic."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "I have been where you are. I did a bunch of stuff that kept me busy and it seemed like it was working, and it was. I finally went and did Brainspotting with a therapist and LENS (Low Energy Neurofeedback System) and those were the two things that were the cherry on top. Now I feel like I see my depression, but I handle it differently. Same with my anxiety, it's there but it's not there as much as it was. Brainspotting is a phenomenal therapy where it gets to the deep limbic system ad it helps your brain to create new paths of responding. LENS is all about the brain and brainwaves and how your body responds to various frequencies. Traditional bio/neurofeedback is helpful, but it takes some time before you will feel differently, but LENS can cut that time in half or even a quarter. Combining both treatments, along with your effort and a therapist that you connect with will help you to overcome anxiety and depression to where you are controlling it and not the other way around. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Have you used meditation or hypnosis? Relaxing the mind and connecting with your true self is a great way to calm your thoughts and get to peace and calm. Hypnosis and meditation have helped a lot of people with anxiety and depression. Google hypnotherapists near me or write for a while about what is going on."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Working with a great therapist who can help you learn ways to cope might be beneficial to you. Sometimes just the act of being able to talk about things with a nonjudgmental person helps take some of the burden off of you. A therapist can help you change your thought patterns and teach you coping skills to reduce your symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Anxiety and depression is caused by ineffective functioning of the adrenals, kidneys, and the other systems that affects.A basic protocol of natural health makes quick work of it (about 2-3 months-ish; maybe shorter with a good constitution, in your body) :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Meditation may be able to assist you in lowering your anxiety and depressive symptoms.MeditationBreaks Anxious Thought PatternsA common symptom of anxiety is having racing negative and obsessive thoughts that create a vicious cycle of worry within your mind. Meditation can reduce rumination and the break negative thought patterns by increasing your control over random unwanted thoughts and decreasing your tendency to worry by altering the way your brain responds to stress. For example, instead of following your negative thought down the rabbit hole, you learn to view your thoughts differently and recognize it for what it is a thought and let it go. Thank goodness toneuroplasticity and your brains endless capacity to change!Balances Brain ChemicalsAnxiety is brought on by various factors (personality type, emotional trauma, genes, prolonged exposure to stress) and sometimes causes an imbalance of chemicals within the brain (GABA and serotonin). A meditation practice can assist in restoring the balance of neurotransmitters within the brain by increasing GABA (neurotransmitter connected to feeling happy and relaxed) and serotonin (another neurotransmitter connected to being happy) and decreasing cortisol (stress hormone).Builds A Healthier BrainBased on research and scans, individuals who have a regular meditation practice show dramatically larger amounts ofgray matter, the volume of thehippocampus, thickness of the cortex, increased blood flow to the brain, improved neural connections between various parts of the brain and decreased size of theamygdala (controls autonomic responses associated with fear, arousal, and emotional stimulation).View full article here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/16/meditate-to-lower-anxiety-levels"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Anxiety and depression are often linked. I don't consider them as diseases. Depression is a symptom of deep hurts to the sense of self that leaves a person feeling shamed. Anxiety is a symptom of not being given the proper emotional resources to handle the problems of life. It is also the result of being taught that life is a dangerous place that can't be managed."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Depression and anxiety can be disconcerting and disruptive to our lives in many ways. I am sorry that you are suffering so much. Depression and anxiety can arise due to experiences, genetics or a combination of both. I like for my clients look at their issues as whole persons so I would also recommend these tips:Physical: regular exercise, healthy balanced diet, rest and sleepMental: how we think is how we feel. How are you interpreting the events that are happening to you? Try to interpret them in a less negative way. Unfortunately we cannot stop our thoughts as our brain is always working. If you can't see your issues in a different way then stop struggling and allow and accept whatever the unhelpful thoughts are. Choose to take actions based on your values and what will give you a fulfilling life no matter what your thoughts are. Remember, your thoughts have no power unless you act upon them.Emotional: do not let feelings dictate your actions, even if something feels anxious take action again based on your values and how you want to live. Social: connect with healthy friends and family that will be a positive support. Take up some hobbies and recreation activities as well.If things do not improve I would encourage you to make an appointment with a talk therapist and discuss these issues. I would encourage you to also be open to consider an evaluation for anti-depressants with these issues as well.If you ever feel like you might hurt yourself please call 911 or go to your nearest ER."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Life can bring us all kinds of struggles. Depression and Anxiety are very common reasons people come into counseling. Both can be debilitating. Sometimes when life struggles and stresses build up anxiety and depression become prominent. Learning tools to ride the waves of life is a core part of counseling.If you are ready to manage the symptoms and come up with a plan visit staceybshapiro.comfor more information."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "Wanting to make changes and asking for assistance is the first step. Overcoming anxiety and depression is not an easy feat to do on your own, especially if it's been something you have been battling for years. There are some different routes you may go down in order to start the healing process:Therapy - find a therapist who has a lot of experience with anxiety and depression. You can do this by googling \"anxiety depression therapist \" in your city. CounselChat also has a directory of amazing therapists, as does Psychology TodayMedication - Depending on what other symptoms you may be struggling with depends on what medication you will be prescribed. Be 100% honest with the doctor and ask about different side effects or potential risks associated with the medication. You more than likely will be prescribed an SSRI.Therapy & Medication - The outcomes are very good for those who decide to do both. Medication can help level out out your mood and therapy can help you process through your emotions and keep you accountable for you goals , as you will be seeing your therapist more often than your psychiatristTherapy & Homeopathy - Homeopathy could potentially be a good tool to use alongside with therapy in case you are not interested in going down the medication route.Arsenicum album is most commonly given to those who struggle with anxiety and depression.The choice is yours. My recommendation is to start with therapy and explore your options more in depth with your therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my anxierty and depression?", "questionText": "Im facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like Im going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression?", "answerText": "First, be patient because anxiety and depression are rooted in a person's outlook on who they are and how they handle situations and relationships.Changing these deep major structures in your life takes time to try new ways and see what develops, then fine tune accordingly.Most commonly, anxiety and depression relate to one's self definition.Reflect on your own opinion of yourself and whether you'd like making any adjustments to this. Then figure out what stops or inhibits you from doing this.Try new ways of thinking and interacting with other people. The changed impression you make on others will influence your own view of who you are.In America people take Pharma pills to not feel badly.If you prefer to make natural, long-lasting change then reflect, read, try therapy if it feels right to you.Eventually you will be better off this way than to take drugs to hide how you truly feel."}, {"questionTitle": "My family can't stand me", "questionText": "I am the problem. I make my family argue because of me. My mom has even said it. It's constantly like this. I cause problems. I am worthless. I can't stop crying. Sometimes I have to cry myself to sleep. I can't even leave my room because my family can't stand me.", "answerText": "I am so very sorry for how pressured and sad you feel right now.Definitely all family members have an effect on the other ones.From what you write, your family members are not considering the effect their negative comments have on you.Also, keep in mind that each person is responsible for deciding to argue or find a different way to discuss a problem. You are not in control of the other people in your family.More likely they take the easy way out and blame you for what they don't want to know about themselves.Stay aware that the family's decision to target you doesn't mean that you are doing something wrong. Certainly your existence is not wrong, which is the degree to which the unfairness seems to have spread.What to do about it is read about family systems to see more explanations on how you are being unfairly treated.Also stay in touch with friends bc these are the people who value and respect you."}, {"questionTitle": "My family can't stand me", "questionText": "I am the problem. I make my family argue because of me. My mom has even said it. It's constantly like this. I cause problems. I am worthless. I can't stop crying. Sometimes I have to cry myself to sleep. I can't even leave my room because my family can't stand me.", "answerText": "I'm so sorry you're going through this! I think there is almost always someone in the family who becomes the scapegoat and ends up feeling this way sadly. Please know that you are NOT the problem! It sounds like you need to be heard and understood but maybe your family has their own stuff going on and don't know how to handle it so they end up taking it out on you, or maybe they just don't know how to listen and validate because they never learned. Bottom line is there are many reasons they might be treating you this way that have nothing to do with you or your worth. It's your parents' responsibility to love and care for you. You are loveable and worthy regardless. I hope you find a therapist that helps you work through this. You deserve to be happy and loved."}, {"questionTitle": "My family can't stand me", "questionText": "I am the problem. I make my family argue because of me. My mom has even said it. It's constantly like this. I cause problems. I am worthless. I can't stop crying. Sometimes I have to cry myself to sleep. I can't even leave my room because my family can't stand me.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this. It can be really hard to deal with our family dynamics, especially when you feel this way and are being told these things.I would encourage you to keep in touch with people who support you, whether that is friends, a group or club you are involved in or even extended family (if that is an option). I would also encourage you to seek out support in a professional sense, whether an individual therapist or even in a group therapy setting.The things you are saying to yourself is negative self-talk and it is being fueled by the things others are saying to you. It can be really difficult sometimes to see the positive in ourselves, and it can definitely take some digging and searching to find it. But you have it within you somewhere and it is waiting to be let out.I hope you find therapeutic help that works for you and helps you to see how incredible you are."}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "Characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activitiesYou're not alone.Globally, more than 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression -WHOFollowing could be potential causes of depression1. Family history. Youre at a higher risk for developing depression if you have a family history of depression.2. Early childhood trauma.3. Some events affect the way your body reacts to fear and stressful situations.4. Brain structure.5. Medical conditions.6. Drug use.Like I always state seeking to get physical and mental tests done then start a path in talk therapy"}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "It is hard to make sense of the many different feelings and moods we have, especially during the teen years. I am sorry that you have been feeling like you are not worth knowing or that you do not do anything right. Those are hard feelings to have! Added to the challenge is the current state of things related to COVID-19. Have you noticed an increase in these feelings during the stay at home mandates? If you felt this same way before all of the changes that have occurred over the past few months, how is it different (if at all) when you were able to go to classes and do things with friends? One way that helps me to understand what depression feels like is to imagine that you are wearing dark sunglasses all of the time; because they are always on they make everything that you look at appear darker. When sadness or a low mood is the norm and you cannot find things to get excited about or look forward to that is a good indication that it is time to seek professional help.There are many things that you can do to help lift your mood (exercise, eat healthy foods and drink, get adequate sleep, share your feelings with someone you can trust, decrease social media exposure, etc.), it is important to explore all of the options that are available to you. Seeking out counseling or talking to a doctor that knows you and your medical history well is a first step towards changing the feelings you described. If it is determined that you are experiencing depression there are options that will help you feel better. I hope this helps to give you hope that what you are feeling can improve.Once your mood lifts you will have the energy you need to combat the thoughts that say you are not worth knowing or that you cannot do anything right. There are great cognitive behavior therapy resources and counselors out there that can help you fight those thoughts and as you do you will learn the tools that will help you silence the thoughts that defeat you and tear you down."}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "Those are really heavy feelings to have, even if you don't meet the cookie-cutter criteria of depression.It seems like you are still pretty young and maybe have recently graduated? It's normal in the late-teen development phase to have a lot of self-doubt about who you are and what you want in life. There's so much pressure on people your age to figure out what you are supposed to be doing and it can be easy to criticize and compare yourself. It's also common to feel like a sense of loss if your high school relationships have changed since going to college. Maybe these things aren't happening for you, but if they are that's OK. Many college students experience what you are going through and there are usually campus counseling services at reduced rates for students. Right now with COVID-19, those may be via telehealth.What are your personal relationships in your life like? You mention living with your dad--is he a support? Is anyone else in your family supportive for you? It's not clear what role your family plays in your life or depression, but it seems like they are noticing some concerns about your behavior. If it seems like they are highlighting those out of concern, I wonder if they would also want to help you. That's not always everyone's situation, but there are a lot of online support groups, counselors, and resources if you are feeling alone.Other ways to cope with depression (no matter how intense) is to exercise. It's not a cure, but it has awesome benefits for the brain and has shown in studies to reduce anxiety and depression symptoms drastically. Even something like walking can help.If you feel it's unmanageable, you can talk to your primary doctor about medications that could be right for you. There are a lot out there developed for depressive symptoms that work pretty well for most people.Lastly, find some ways to show yourself that you are worthy! Notice in your question that you said \"sometimes\"--what are those other times you feel worthy? Or times that you feel you are doing things \"right\"? Reframing that voice in your head can help as well--like maybe you are just doing the best you can with what you have. Could that be true? And that doesn't mean you don't make mistakes! Mistakes are part of being human, and you can definitely cope with them.Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "I wouldn't necessarily say you are clinically depressed based on that first paragraph in your question. Because that could describe more introverted behavior (people who feel more energy from a more internal approach as opposed to those who feel more energy from being among others.) It is more in the second paragraph that I would be inclined to say that further exploration is definitely needed. The diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder is more than just those two symptoms, but there are more mild forms of depression that can be equally damaging to someone if left untreated.However, one of the trickiest parts of this is that someone who feels they are not worth knowing may also believe they are not worth having a therapist know them, and even less worthy of being helped. Do you feel that might be you? If so, could we acknowledge that as a part of the big picture, and all wrapped up in these feelings about yourself, and realizing that thoughts and feelings aren't always rational (in that you are worth getting the help)?My recommendation just from the information would be that you seek out a supportive, listening ear in the form of a therapist, who can allow you the space to express some of these difficult experiences, and help you name FOR YOURSELF, what your struggle is. To empower you to name it for yourself, as opposed to everyone labeling and/or judging you for it, might be an extremely worthwhile start for you."}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "Hi,Depression can look different for everybody. It sounds to me like what your family is trying to tell you that they are worried about you, and think this behavior might be a result of depression. If what you are experiencing seems fine and normal to you, it may be nothing to worry about.It is very common to have thoughts of doubt about yourself and your abilities, and it may help to open up about those thoughts to people you trust. Developing relationships with friends and families can be a very rewarding experience, but it can take a brave person to reach out!"}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "If we were in my office together, I would offer that most likely you are feeling somewhat depressed. It's most important for me to impress that you \"don't have to live like this...\" Other helpful information: Have you experienced similar symptoms before? Anyone in your family been depressed before? Based on other physiological signs, like quality of sleep, appetite, energy/motivation, I would present you with some treatment options, one of which would be to consult with a medication management provider to assess your symptoms and provide additional information for you to consider."}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "I would not focus on what other people say. Do you feel what you have described impacts your day to day functioning? Try to evaluate how is your self esteem, motivation and self confidence. How about negative thoughts or hopelessness? Any concerns about your grades sliding down? If you answered yes to any questions, may be its time to see a counsellor."}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "Although some people managing depression feel sad or \"down\", itis a possible to have depression without an obvious sad mood. Many people indicate that they feel numb or flat. People managing depression often have low motivation.They may stay in bed for long periods of time and only get up for absolutely necessary activities. People with depression may also feel inappropriate guilt or shame. If you have been experiencing the symptoms you described for more than two weeks, I recommend that you see a counselor to get a more in-depthevaluation. The symptoms you are experiencing are typical of depression, and with a bit of support, you could regain energy and improved self-esteem. The stigma surrounding mental health can make a diagnosis or a labelof depression seem scary. The important thing to remember is that mental health disorders are as important as and as treatable physical health disorders. Hang in there. Healing is possible!"}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "The answer to the question of whether or not you're depressed, is less meaningful than what you are doing to feel strong and secure in your life.Otherwise, people shortcut themselves to go deeper in understanding who they are and what they'd like to do with their lives, and accept \"depression\" as though it is their new name.What you write sounds like classic depression.What to do about this feeling is to get closer to yourself in an accepting way. Assume that what you do in daily living is somehow necessary. Unless you are doing immoral or illegal actions to other people, to accept your own wishes as truth will open you to appreciate why you do what you do.Make believe you're interesting and find out more about who you are, if you have trouble to start with thinking of yourself as worth understanding.The more you appreciate who you are and your unique strengths, vulnerabilities and fears, the more these will dissolve by what seems on their own.In fact they will disappear bc you are believing in yourself and your ways.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "My family says I have depression", "questionText": "I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?", "answerText": "I'm alway wary of assigning a term to a feeling, as often that term becomes more important than the feeling itself. From the very little that you have written, it is clear that you are going through something that has made you extremely low, affected your self-esteem and motivation, limits your enjoyment of formerly pleasurable activities and affects your feelings of self-worth. All of these are aspects of being depressed, though you can be depressed and still not have \"depression\".Counseling is definitely a place where you can go and sort out why you have had such a sudden a drastic change to your mood. Sometimes our mood can be effected by changes in our routine, losses or significant disappointments. Talking with someone will not only help you to better understand why you are feeling this way, but they will also help you to ground yourself and learn strategies and tools to help you to manage your mood and strategize for the future.I do hope that you will reach out. Feeling alone can be harmful over long periods of time, as it can stop us from seeking out the support we need."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Silly you took the first step to \"claim it\" you are by posting on here. All of us are here to help."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "It is to your credit that you reached out for help on this platform. How to find someone to talk to would depend upon your lifestyle and worldview. Many people reach out to their faith community and others to friends, family, or seek help from a psychotherapist. If you live in a large, metropolitan area you will have an abundance of options. However, if you live in a more rural area, options might be limited. Broadly speaking, if you have health insurance, you can make an inquiry about providers who deliver psychotherapy in your local area. You might also try exploring profiles on Psychology Todayto get a sense of therapists in your area available for a phone consultation. I wish you all the best in your search."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "It's so great that you are reaching out when you feel depressed!If you have insurance, you can call them up and find out who would be in network for you. That means they can tell you what providers or clinics they cover, and if there is a copay or deductible and how much. You can find the number for your insurance company on the back of your insurance card.If you don't have insurance or your insurance doesn't cover providers you have access to, there are some counselors that will see clients at a reduced rate if you don't have the finances to pay for services. There are even some that will do probono (free) sessions for a number of sessions, though that is dependent on the therapist's caseload and payment policies.If you find a counselor and don't feel like it's a good fit, you can always switch to someone else that is available to you. Telehealth is a big part of practice right now, so you may have better access to more counselors depending on where you live.If you need more immediate resources, here's the SAMHSA National Helpline website/number:https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helplineand a link to many different depression hotlines specific to certain populations:https://psychcentral.com/lib/depression-hotline-numbers/.I wish you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "You have already taken the brave first step of making the decision to heal from it and find a professional that will help you do so. There are lots of different options nowadays for therapists, as you can see them online or in an office. My biggest tip for you is to use Psychology Today or Counsel Chat to find a therapist. Enter in your zip code and you will find many different therapists you can talk to . Be sure to find someone that you most resonate with and ask them any questions you may have. Many times, therapists will provide free consultations and this can be a great opportunity to see if you are a good fit."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "The first step, which you've taken, is actually wanting to talk to someone. It's a great sign that you are seeking to reach out for help. And there are therapists everywhere (there are even therapists online, so you don't have to be that close to them or their office.)There are several sites that I refer people to to begin the process of looking for a therapist. I usually have them start with psychologytoday.com. Once there (there is a therapist directory), you can narrow choices down by ages that they work with, insurance they accept, depression as an issue they focus in, etc. You can also narrow down by therapist's modality, but that can get complicated if you aren't too familiar with the various theoretical approaches. It's important that you find someone that you feel understands your situation. That might mean that they identify an issue you are having in their profile, or on their professional website. But, you should try to meet a couple of different therapists if you aren't quite sure. It can be challenging that first session, but your best (note, not \"THE best\") therapist will help you feel comfortable (or as comfortable as possible, given therapy can be uncomfortable especially at first) and understood from the get-go.I have found that asking friends or family for names and recommendations Is also a common way to find a therapist, because it can come from a trusted referral source. But remember that we are all different, so what works for one might not always be a good fit. And again, it could take a couple of first sessions with different therapists to know if someone is a good fit (sometimes, it can take a few sessions.) And if there is no one around that can give a name or two, then searching online is quite common and can yield positive results.And try not to give up! Finding a therapist is not easy, but finding a good one for you is extremely rewarding."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Hi,Reaching out here is a great start! I recommend looking for somebody in your area that works with people experiencing depression. After you've chosen somebody to try, feel free to call them for a consultation! A lot of counselors and therapists offer free consultations, and remember that your counselor is working for you, so make sure they are a good fit! I hope this has been of some help."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Hang in there! Feeling depressed sucks but talking with someone can really help - so its awesome that you're already trying to figure out how to find that person. Tons of good suggestions already but to add my two cents - you can find therapists in your area and read a little bit about them to find someone you like the sound of via this website, and also via www.psychologytoday.com; if you have health insurance your insurer might be able to make recommendations as to therapists covered by your plan, or if you happen to be in school, the school itself should be able to connect you with either their own counselor or a center that they recommend nearby. Finding someone can take a few calls or a bit of research so if you need some immediate support, or find yourself having thoughts of hurting yourself, you can also call the great folks who run the Suicide crisis linehttps://suicidepreventionlifeline.org - they are great in moments of crisis."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Great that you realize talking with a professional counselor about how you feel, would be helpful!If you'd like a very fast response by phone, then google \"depression hotline\" for where you live. And, if you have a specific topic which upsets you then google around with this topic to see if there are services specific to your interest.If you've got time to invest in looking for the best fit therapist for yourself, then google \"therapy' or \"therapist\".There will be many, many names which come up.I know I sound like I work for google only it is the easiest way to find lots of information.I send you good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "Sorry to hear you are feeling that way. Is there a 24-hour helpline where you are that you can call? Here is a website with some numbers to call: https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/ You could talk to your family doctor and they could help you find a therapist? You could also use this website to find a therapist. https://therapists.psychologytoday.com. I sincerely hope you find someone to talk to."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm very depressed?", "questionText": "I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?", "answerText": "If there is no one in your life with whom you feel comfortable, I would recommend identifying someone on this site, psychology today or goodtherapy.org who is in your area, then give that therapist a call to see if you would be a good match."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get people to listen?", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "First of all, I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood. It may help you to know that many of us feel that we have missed out on our childhoods, as well, and that despite such deprivations, for many of us, our adult lives have been extraordinarily fulfilling due to our opening up to trusted adults. I recommend that you find a trustworthy adult to talk to. This may be a teacher, a coach, a school counselor, a minister, a family member, or a friend's family member. If none of these are available, try out a professional counselor, social worker, psychiatric nurse practitioner, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. It is best to get a referral for such a professional from a peer who has had a positive and safe experience with a particular provider."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get people to listen?", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "Trust this... You are not alone. We are here to help. There are passed life experience and maybe they see through what you haven t been given site to yet. They are in a time in their lives where hormones and aging is bringing them to a place they rather focus more on their feelings. Although it should be a time to embrace your new beginnings to help you with more patience. Sometimes learning energy practices and communication skills may improve your connection. You are also at a place of transition. It may seem out of wack right now but it will balance once you passed into adulthood. Then you will notice a friendship developing with them maybe. Hold On"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get people to listen?", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "Life sounds extremely frustrating for you right now.As long as you've reached your conclusion that your parents do not take you seriously when you would like to speak with them on a serious topic, and that you feel unable to trust either of them, then work with your own information.Many people don't know how to listen and aren't trustworthy. As painful and aggravating as having parents who fit this description, you're better off to honor what you realize than to continue fighting what is not in your hands to change.Since you write about having a similar problem with friends, then maybe this comes about because you pick friends who are similarly unsatisfying to be with as are your parents.The first step out of this dilemma would be to accept how crummy you feel about the way your parents are toward you.If you're able to live with the sadness and resentment of having parents who don't want to know how to understand you, then you'll start to develop a new and more satisfying definition of what you expect from the behaviors of your friends.Trust yourself that what you feel and see is accurate, then it becomes easier to trust and welcome new people who are formatted differently than either your parents or your friends who sound very similar to your parents' ways."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get people to listen?", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you feel so alone and isolated, those feelings in and of themselves can lead to depression, stress and anxiety. So job one is finding someone you can talk to. A good friend or an open parent can be as helpful as a professional counselor, but if you don't have those, then by all means call your local Mental Health Association, suicide prevention, or go see your school counseling department. There are many of us now who do on-line, FaceTime, phone counseling so that is an option to consider in your situation. On the other hand, If you want to script a conversation with your parents (I'm a great believer in scripting) not that you're going to read it to them, but if you write down exactly what you want to say, read it over a few times before you're ready to have the conversation. Why? You'll be much more likely to do it if you're prepared, and you'll have a better chance of saying everything you want to say in a calm but forceful way. The same with your friends--you are probably a great listener and therefore attract people who want to talk--so you need to let these friends know you need something in return. If you practice asking for equal talk time, then perhaps these friends will respond and surprise you, or if you make those demands you'll start attracting people who are looking for equality in friendships. Now back to that script--first decide do you want to talk to both parents at once, or one at a time. Then begin to write down the points you want to make such as: I love you, and I know you love me but I don't feel as though I can trust your love to be unconditional enough to tell you who I really am, and how I really feel. Find your own words to describe your own feelings. If I can help, get in touch. You are right to reach out starting here, there are no prizes for suffering in silence and, as you already know, little joy in going it alone."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get people to listen?", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "One of the most difficult challenges we face is not being heard! It is incredibly frustrating and hurtful when others, especially parents, do not listen. While your parents surely love you and want to understand you, it may be difficult for them to fully understand your feelings and experiences. They are quite a bit older and have likely not dealt with some of the struggles that you face. I would suggest communicating your feelings to them about not being heard.Talk to them during a non-emotional moment when the discussion is not already heated. In other words, do not wait until an argument ensues to have an open discussion with them about how you are feeling. Prepare them by asking them what time is good for them to talk. Let them know you have something important to get off your chest. Try and avoid using exaggerated or extreme language such as \"you NEVER listen,\" \"you ALWAYS say...\" and stray away from placing blame. Instead of beginning your statements with \"you\" try using \"I\" by letting them know how their behavior effects you. Finally, let them know that they are important to you and that having their trust and support would mean a lot to you. Perhaps giving them suggestions as to what you wish for and would like to see change would help them to better understand.I would also suggest that you seek guidance from a therapist, teacher, or school counselor if possible.Most schools have counseling resources on sight in which a trained professional is available to talk with students looking for help.Best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get people to listen?", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "First, thank you for sharing such deep personal information. It can be difficult to share such intimate information. To begin, it sounds likes your primary concern your desire to speak to someone who takes your mental health seriously. You've tried talking to your parents and your friends and neither have made that connection in the area you need. I'm sorry to hear that. it's unfortunate. However, I think a couple things can be done to try to address this.If you want support1) Parents- Sit down with one of them and tell them with all seriousness that you need to talk about something that is affecting you deeply. Perhaps speaking to both can be too much for one room. If you try to speak to mom or dad by themselves, it may create that intimate atmosphere needed to understand where you are coming from.2) Friends: Like parents it can be difficult to speak to your friends about challenges with your mental health. When you're feeling down and anxious, friends can be great help or not their at all. With friends, it may be one of those things where you also need to create an intimate environment with one friend to speak to about your sadness and anxiety. If anything,speak to the fact you're hurt and help them understand that if they can't understand the depressionIf you don't want supportCoping Strategies: Identify coping skills and strategy that help you when you're feeling down.Ideas:A.) JournalingB) PaintingC) ExerciseD) MusicE) Reading AffirmationF) Listening To Motivation Videos"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get people to listen?", "questionText": "I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesnt believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesnt believe me either. Im a pansexual, but I cant trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.", "answerText": "Teenage years are rough for anyone, and this is a time for self-discovery and experimentation. Having older parents can certainly pose challenges. Most kids feel like their parents don't understand them, but yours are older than the average parents of teenagers. They're from a completely different generation than you are. It sounds like they love you, but may not understand you. The problem here is the generation/age gap, and there's not a whole lot you can do about that. What you can do is accept the situation and perhaps look at it a little differently. It seems like you're looking for affirmation from them, looking for their approval and understanding. It's never a good idea to look to others to define who you are or to get a self-esteem boost. Who you are and how you feel about yourself needs to come from inside, not from outside. One way you can have a better relationship with your parents is to stop looking at all the things you aren't getting from them that you want, and rather look at all the things you are getting from them. Yes, this is a glass half full or half empty point of view, but it works. The negative will overshadow the positive if you let it. Start looking for the good things in your relationship with your parents and your feelings towards them will become more positive.I'm not sure how your friends/peers made you feel like your childhood has been taken from you. That's a curious statement, and requires a deeper conversation to understand where that came from. However, I do understand feeling different and out of place, especially in high school. Find the strength within yourself rather than looking to others in your life to make you feel better or feel like a complete person. It helps to have friends and loved ones, but you can never rely on them to fulfill all of your needs. Set some goals for your future, work towards them. Focus on being the best YOU that you can be, and the right people will enter your life at the right time."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get counseling if my primary care physician won't help?", "questionText": "I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?", "answerText": "Telehealth has become very popular during the pandemic. One of the benefits of telehealth, is that you can see a therapist who may not be in your area at all (although depending on where you reside, they likely just need to be licensed in the state where you reside). Telehealth offers access to a much larger pool of mental health providers. Some therapists offer sliding scale fees (a reduced fee) for those who are unable to pay full rate."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get counseling if my primary care physician won't help?", "questionText": "I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?", "answerText": "My first question is what insurance do you have? Sometimes counselors can create a \"superbill\" for clients who are out-of-network, basically creating a receipt for services that the insurance company will then reimburse. Or maybe you could call your insurance company to see who would be in-network for you as well. If you don't have insurance, there are many counselors who consider probono work for those that have extenuating circumstances, or reduced-cost sessions based on your needs.Other options could be connecting with organizations in your area that support mental health needs. They may have resources you are unaware of, or may be able to point you toward funding (though that's not always the case). Not sure if a group is the right setting for you, but support groups online may be beneficial just to maybe feel like you aren't alone. These are typically free and pretty popular right now due to COVID.Either way, I'm really sorry you have to deal with all that without the help you need. Keep searching and definitely don't give up hope."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get counseling if my primary care physician won't help?", "questionText": "I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?", "answerText": "If it is simply counseling that you seek, any number of faith-based outfits are very willing to listen and help out with these sorts of matters, free of charge :)Online messaging and social media is a secondary option, however this one may come with privacy concerns and consequences;If it were I, I would attempt to sweet-talk one or two counselors I come across to do a bit of work for folks who can't afford it :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get counseling if my primary care physician won't help?", "questionText": "I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?", "answerText": "Look up online what the local hospital offers to people. Also, google some of the key words you just wrote here, like depression and counseling, low-cost counseling.Did your primary physician tell you their reason to not help you? If not, then ask the person to tell you their reasoning. Even if the specific doctor won't help you, by understanding their reason, you may be able to work with the answer you hear."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get counseling if my primary care physician won't help?", "questionText": "I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?", "answerText": "I would check out agencies that offer affordable counseling based on your income or very low cost counseling sessions, i.e., Pacific Clinics, Hathaway Sycamore, Pasadena Mental Health Center, Burbank Family Center. If you google affordable or low cost therapy in your particular area you will find resources to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't believe in myself anymore", "questionText": "I was married to a narcissist sociopath for 10 years. During that time I was a general manager. I used to help him financially and in other ways when we were together. But things began to change. He emotionally and sexually drained me. I lost my spirit. I used to be a very happy person but now I am a loner. I left him and moved to another state. Currently, I'm working as a server which makes me believe less in myself. I feel pity for myself a lot but don't know what to do. When I have money problems, he does not help me. He actually enjoys seeing me have a hard time in my life. I need help.", "answerText": "Congratulations on leaving your marriage!It is ok and natural to feel sadness, loss, uncertainty in direction, hurt, resulting from ending the marriage.Possibly what you consider \"pity\" is a combination of these feelings.Be kind and caring toward who you are since you just put yourself through a major separation and need time to clear out the old emotions that connected you to your ex.There is very, very little chance of him helping you since he lacks compassion and empathy.More likely any help he gave would be in order to manipulate you.Maybe for now your server job is ok do you have more time to concentrate on taking care of your emotions.You were a manager once, you can be a manager again when you feel ready for doing so.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "If I am trying to stop self-harming and I seek help, will I need to be put in an inpatient setting?", "questionText": "I have bipolar disorder, paranoid personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I last self-harmed a week ago. When I am stressed, overwhelmed, hurt, or angry, the urge to self-harm is all I can think of. I am trying to seek help.", "answerText": "Glad you are reaching out here!There are two types of self-harm: suicidal and non-suicidal. A lot of people I see and have seen engage in self-harm just to manage emotional dysregulation, but not to end their lives. Self-injury actually does a great job at helping us to manage really intense emotional states--even from a chemical level in the body. When you self-harm, it's triggers your body's endorphin production, which is a chemical that makes us feel good. I'm not saying you should do it, but I understand why you would choose that option because it is pretty powerful.To answer your question, I've never heard of anyone being admitted into inpatient for trying to stop non-suicidal self-injuring. Even some people I've worked with that are suicidal and self-harming have remained outpatient given we have an extensive safety plan, including how to reach out for help and coping skill development. Unless you are at high risk of suicide, you would most likely be outpatient.I also work from a harm reduction model, meaning that if you have to self-harm it might as well be as safe as possible. When people are trying to stop, sometimes the pressure gets in the way and they relapse (very normal and actually expected). So we prepare for that by discussing measures to take to make sure the method you use is very safe. Things here include making sure anything piercing the skin is properly disinfected, areas on the body to avoid cutting, and self-harm alternatives that still cause pain but are much safer. For example, some people hold ice in the palm of their hands, or snap rubber bands on their wrists. There are many websites that have safer alternatives as well if you just do a quick google search.Have patience with yourself here, too. You've found a way to manage a whole lot of emotions--and it's worked for you--you did that by yourself! You also want better for yourself and have made the first steps for change and that's really spectacular. It'll be similar to quitting any habit, so stick in there. And if you find a counselor that fits for you, even better!I wish you so much luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "If I am trying to stop self-harming and I seek help, will I need to be put in an inpatient setting?", "questionText": "I have bipolar disorder, paranoid personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I last self-harmed a week ago. When I am stressed, overwhelmed, hurt, or angry, the urge to self-harm is all I can think of. I am trying to seek help.", "answerText": "Seeking professional help does not mean that you will necessarily be admitted into an inpatient setting - though to be honest, that can become an option if you feel unsafe or if you are unable to plan for safety. However, many clients who struggle with self-harm can find help in outpatient settings - particularly those which offer a treatment called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Looking for a DBT professional or group therapy setting may be particularly helpful, but askilled professional can help you to figure out how to identify other options even when you are experiencing overwhelming emotions.Without knowing your location, I also recommend searching to find your local helpline or suicide prevention hotline. The volunteers on the other end of the line can be very helpful even if your intention is not suicide and they are likely also to be able to connect you with resources in your area. Calling into the helpline may also be a first step alternative to self-harming when you're feeling overwhelmed."}, {"questionTitle": "If I am trying to stop self-harming and I seek help, will I need to be put in an inpatient setting?", "questionText": "I have bipolar disorder, paranoid personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I last self-harmed a week ago. When I am stressed, overwhelmed, hurt, or angry, the urge to self-harm is all I can think of. I am trying to seek help.", "answerText": "I wonder if you really are the long list of descriptions you wrote here.Usually people with personality disorder and people who have bi polar disorder, are not self-aware and do not anticipate their actions the way you write.One possibility is to find a second opinion as to whether you have been overdiagnosed or misdiagnosed. This happens a lot, especially in clinics which make money from prescription drugs and creating dependencies on these prescription drugs.Yes, follow your intuition and ask for help. Just try to find a place which may see you in a different light than someone with a long list of diagnoses."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel sad all the time?", "questionText": "I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.", "answerText": "Hello,While one can be sad from time to time, feeling sad \"all the time\" could be a sign of depression. If you feel sad on most days, it is worthwhile speaking to a psychologist to determine whether you suffer clinical depression. Feeling sadness is a normal response to loss, whether you lose a family, friend, job, or something you deem important in your life. However, feeling sadness all the time is a signal that you are not happy about something in your life. If it is related to your family and often relationship with family members could affect our self-esteem and self-worth, then perhaps it is worthwhile exploring what you find unhappy about your relationship with your family. Is it that you do not feel heard, supported or loved? Is it that you feel disrespected, disregarded or feel unimportant? These are just a few examples of common issues that people report that contribute to their depression. To help you to uncover your reasons for your sadness or depression and to cope with them in a healthier and more constructive way, it may be helpful to contact a therapist who could support you with this process. You do not have to deal with it alone. Dr. Virginia Chow, Montreal Psychologist. For more information about depression, please consult my website at www.PsychologyResource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel sad all the time?", "questionText": "I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.", "answerText": "Understandably the idea of someone who tries to control you, is good reason to feel sad.Your feelings sound like they are very strong and meaningful in your life.Keep in mind that your feelings about others has more to do with one's own self-view than with what the other person is actually doing.Unless the people in your family are actually interrupting and impeding your life in practical ways or by intimidation or other verbal ways to inhibit you, then there is a great chance your feelings of being controlled by other family members has more to do with your fears to be who you are than with any family members' actions."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible that I have depression?", "questionText": "I'm starting to think that I might have depression. The thing is though, I'm not exactly sad. I can joke with my friends and stuff, but I've stopped caring about my work, and I've been starting to think that life is pointless. I really have no clue if I need help, or if I'm just tired or something.", "answerText": "Depression isn't something someone \"has\", it is a dark mood and lack of satisfaction with the way the current life is structured.If you think of depression as motivation to look for new ways to understand yourself, find ways which are more satisfying in your work and relationships, then depression is a charm.The typical attitude most people have when they think of the word \"depression\", is that their life will collapse and decline, they'll need to take drugs, and feel hopeless.If you take a different approach and work with your depression as a signal to change some major area or one or two minor areas, then you will engage yourself in creating a better life for yourself!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible that I have depression?", "questionText": "I'm starting to think that I might have depression. The thing is though, I'm not exactly sad. I can joke with my friends and stuff, but I've stopped caring about my work, and I've been starting to think that life is pointless. I really have no clue if I need help, or if I'm just tired or something.", "answerText": "It is possible that you have depression, but you could also be experiencing some other changes that mean that you have feelings of being sad without actually being depressed. Your statement makes it sound like you've stopped caring about your work, but you're still going to work and doing your work. It almost sounds like you are dissatisfied with your work. Do you like what you do?When you said that life is pointless, what makes it that way? What is keeping you going? Is there something you can do each day that you can find meaning in?You mentioned that you are not sure if you need help or are just tired. It sounds like you could certainly benefit from talking with someone about more specifics.I'm curious about how long you have felt this way and if you are aware of anything that is contributing to it."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my posttraumatic stress disorder without my parents knowing about it?", "questionText": "I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but its so vivid, its like its happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.", "answerText": "Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a very complex issue. It is the root cause of many other issues including depression, anxiety and anger to name a few. Re-experiencing the event is a telltale symptom of PTSD. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to find someone who specializes in this areato help you work through the symptoms associated with this disorder as well as directly addressing the event/events that initially caused the symptoms. There are various treatment methods available to helping professionals that are successful in treating this disorder. In the meantime there is a book called \"The Body Keeps the Score\", it isinformative andmay be helpful for you on your journey. It is my hope that you are not dealing with this alone. Best wishes!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my posttraumatic stress disorder without my parents knowing about it?", "questionText": "I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but its so vivid, its like its happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.", "answerText": "I understand that at times its difficult to share with our parents what we have been trough, due to fear of judgment or punishment; but I have noticed that keeping our experiences secret, intensifies them. And Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can haunt us for a long time if we do not learn to process the memories that cause those symptoms. If you have been victim of a traumatic event that you are not prepared to share with your parents, its important that you seek help with a counselor, therapist or psychologist. Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a great technique to cope with physical symptoms, you could also use Narrative therapy, Creative Therapy or Journaling as a way to express memories and process them with your therapist. A psychiatrist can also prescribe medication to manage the symptoms, but is very important that you address the trauma so you can heal and go back to live your life. Many organizations like the United Way (2-1-1 in many states) offer resources and referrals to put you in touch with mental health providers, you could also talk to your school counselor, doctor or church to find referral that could help.Tip: You dont have to tell you story to each person you ask for help, you can just start by asking for a counselor referral.Cmo puedo superar el Desorden de Estrs Post Traumtico sin que mis padres se enteren?Comprendo que muchas veces puede ser difcil compartir nuestras experiencias con nuestros padres, muchas veces por miedo a que nos juzguen o castiguen; pero he observado cmo mantener un secreto, lo vuelve ms fuerte y difcil de manejar. El Desorden de Estrs Post Traumtico puede ser una condicin que nos persigue por mucho tiempo si no aprendemos a procesar las memorias que causan esos sntomas. Si has sido vctima de un trauma que tal vez no ests listo(a) para compartir con tus padres, es importante que busques la ayuda de algn consejero profesional, terapista o siclogo. La Terapia Cognitiva Conductual enfocada en el Trauma, es una tcnica que te ayudara a manejar muchos de los sntomas, tambin puedes utilizar diarios o Terapia Narrativa o creativa, para expresar memorias y procesarlas luego en terapia. Un Psiquiatra tambin te puede proveer medicamentos que ayudan a manejar los sntomas del Estrs Post Traumtico, pero es importante que atiendas el problema inicial para poder sanar por completo y volver a tomar las riendas de tu vida. Muchas organizaciones como los Fondos Unidos (2-1-1 en muchos estados) tiene recursos que proveen referidos a consejeros o profesionales de la salud mental. Tambin puedes preguntarle a tu consejero escolar, doctor o en la iglesia. Sugerencia: No tienes que contarle a todos tu problema, solo pide que te recomienden a un consejero o terapista."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my posttraumatic stress disorder without my parents knowing about it?", "questionText": "I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but its so vivid, its like its happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.", "answerText": "What is the reason you wouldn't want your parents to know you are trying to find your way through PTSD?Would they believe that you've been traumatized?And, do you feel that your parents had a hand in creating your trauma?There is no need to tell your parents you have PTSD unless you feel that doing so will help you. Maybe you intuitively realize that they don't want to understand or know about this.How did you come to the conclusion that you have PTSD?If you are working with a therapist, and a minor, then the laws of your State dictate what information your parents can ask your therapist about you.If you are a grown person and working with a therapist, you have complete legally protected privacy of what you talk about with your therapist.In any case, a good starting point is to know exactly your own reason for wishing to keep your psychological situation hidden from your parents."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my posttraumatic stress disorder without my parents knowing about it?", "questionText": "I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but its so vivid, its like its happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.", "answerText": "Unfortunately, ptsd is not something that can be cured. Ptsd can be managed through therapy. Mindfulness can assist in redirecting thoughts and gaining further control over paranoia. Therapy is confidential and there are different ways you can obtain treatment. Mental health professional have availability to provide therapy online, on the phone or in person."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage my anxiety?", "questionText": "I have twin toddlers. I experienced a death of loved one prior to giving birth. I had a horrible break up with the father. People told him he was using me for money. My ex-boyfriend had extreme meltdowns every day for three years. Im always alone with no friends.", "answerText": "Seems like you've really been through the ringer without much of a break.Just reading through the details you put in the question, I hear a couple things. One is that you seem like a helper. That's not bad at all, though other people taking advantage of your nurturing qualities and not giving that back to yourself can really zap your energy. Seems like you were the one that had to take care of your ex for a very long time. Think about what that takes--a lot of patience, great emotional awareness, flexibility to adjust to needs and change plans, etc. What that also means is that you probably had to focus so heavily on him that you weren't able to give any of that attention to yourself. The great part is that it doesn't look a whole lot different when you give that to you vs someone else. Self-love and self-care is a really important piece of managing anxiety (and depression), as you learned with your ex.The other thing I noticed is that it sounds like you maybe tend to people-please. This is common with people that are helpers--they are almost a package deal. People-pleasing is really about abandonment. It's derived from a fear that if you aren't exactly what people need, they may have negative feelings toward you and ultimately abandon or reject you. May also stem from a need for peace if you grew up in a chaotic home (common with kiddos from domestic violence backgrounds), though that usually has some type of connection to abandonment as well.As far as anxiety management goes, there's so much you can do. It's hard to say what will work specifically for you, but first thing that might help is to understand your triggers. What gives you anxiety? Is it general and seems to come out of nowhere? Or does it buildup and get worse at a certain time of day? I find that many people who have unresolved grief and depression tend to cycle through those symptoms and anxiety because there's so much stress and pressure involved in the cluster of issues that those circumstances tend to bring. Sorting those things out can be tough---if you need help from a friend or counselor, it's never too late to reach out. It doesn't matter if it happened last week or 10 years ago. If it matters to you, it's relevant.I hope some of this helps and you are able to find someone in your life to lean on. You aren't meant to be alone!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage my anxiety?", "questionText": "I have twin toddlers. I experienced a death of loved one prior to giving birth. I had a horrible break up with the father. People told him he was using me for money. My ex-boyfriend had extreme meltdowns every day for three years. Im always alone with no friends.", "answerText": "First, let me say that you are a survivor and a warrior. Managing 1 child by yourself is difficult, but twins is a whole different ballgame. Anxiety can affect us at any time anywhere. This is the challenge, especially when we have so many things to manage each day. There are several methods and practices that help manage and even reduce symptoms of anxiety. It will depend on what works best for you. Talk with friends, a counselor, or a loved one who can offer you support and feedback as you navigate this process of learning what works for you. When all else fails; make sure you are in a safe place, pause for a deep, cleansing breath in, a long exhale out, and ask yourself, \"What do I want in this moment?\" Now you can begin again."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with depression?", "questionText": "In the last ten months, I've been kicked out, moved around three times, worked many jobs, stopped school to make money, had dad and mom get sick, was cheated on while pregnant, lost my baby, had relationship issues, and was betrayed. I can't get a job. I have no friends. I feel lonely and isolated. I've been dealing with all this by myself.", "answerText": "Good for you to realize your strength to identify this long list of difficulties and recognize the difference between these pressured events and who you truly are.Self-care is the overall way to stabilize from so much upheaval and stress. Whatever is your favorite way to rest and relax, would be a beneficial way to regain your emotional and physical strength.Usually upsetting incidents are necessary so we place ourselves on a new track in life. They are not meant to harm you, so much as to nudge you to invest your life with different activities and people."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with depression?", "questionText": "In the last ten months, I've been kicked out, moved around three times, worked many jobs, stopped school to make money, had dad and mom get sick, was cheated on while pregnant, lost my baby, had relationship issues, and was betrayed. I can't get a job. I have no friends. I feel lonely and isolated. I've been dealing with all this by myself.", "answerText": "One thing that may help is to focus on small things that you do have control over. If you can hold onto that sense of having control over what you wear or what you choose to eat or where you go during the day, this may help you be able to look at what is currently most important for you and consider different choices. For example, you say you can't get a job, but I wonder if you could work with and local agencies to help you find a job, like Career Link. You say you have no friends currently. Are there any previous friends that you can get back in contact with?You mentioned that you have no friends. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk with, even if it's not someone that you consider a closest friend?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell If I have depression?", "questionText": "I don't know if I have depression, but I have been very sad. There are nights that I don't sleep. I don't eat all day sometimes, I don't have energy to anything anymore.", "answerText": "These. symptoms are all classic to the diagnosis of depression.A diagnosis itself doesn't help anyone get better. Often people say the word \"depression\" as though it means something terrible. The diagnosis of depression can be depressing.Forget matching symptoms with a diagnosis.More important to improvement is to know the reason for your sadness. When people become sad there is a reason for it and knowing this reason is the first step to changing the situation which creates the sadness in you.Think of depression as a way to slow down and examine aspects of your life and relationships. If you continue at the same pace of living and didn't stop and examine your life, then you may not notice what needs changing."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage my anxiety and depression so I can feel normal again?", "questionText": "My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.", "answerText": "Anxiety and Depression are challenging experiences to live with and to manage on a daily basis. I would say that both are challenges to overcome but solutions to living healthy and well exist. Step 1: Talk about it. With friends, family, partners, counselors, and other trusted people in your life. Step 2: Create a plan with a counselor to learn new skills that help you recognize and manage your symptoms. Step 3: Don't give up. Working on yourself can be difficult and hard at the beginning. Stick with it and you will be able to find exercises, tools, and resources that help you live well."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage my anxiety and depression so I can feel normal again?", "questionText": "My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.", "answerText": "It is challenging to maintain motivation at all times, anxiety and depression can set in which can make interacting with others a struggle, it can lead us to do things that make us not feel good and we become isolated. This ends up feeding into a cycle that maintains the anxiety/depression loop and can be really challenging to step out of it. You are in a place of awareness and this is the first step in making changes that can help you feel better. It is really one step at a time, a concrete plan, with self-compassion to build the solid ground you need to come out of this.http://www.empoweryou2.com"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage my anxiety and depression so I can feel normal again?", "questionText": "My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.", "answerText": "One of the first steps is to manage anxiety and depression symptoms are to establish a goodself-careroutine. Start with the most basic things: Eating balanced meals, sleeping at from 6-8 hours and exercise at least 30 minutes a day. These will help you to regulate the chemical imbalance thataffectsyour mood, plus exercising gives you time to vent and be distracted from your thoughts. Once basicself-careis established, I suggest that is a good time to start exploring the source of these feelings, and address them trough therapy. If you have difficulty initiatingself-careroutine talk to your therapist about what motivates you and pushes you to do things, you might find the key during the process. You could also contact your physician or a psychiatrist to discuss medicationoptionsif its too challenging to begin basicself-care.Cmo puedo manejar mi ansiedad y depresin para sentirme normal otra vez?Mi motivacin se ha ido. Es difcil salir de la cama. No s qu hacer. Soy Miserable. Mi ansiedad y depresin han tomado el control de mi vida.Uno de los primeros pasos para manejar la ansiedad y la depresin es establecer una buena rutina de cuidado personal. Comienza con las cosas ms bsicas: Comer comidas balanceadas, dormir de 6-8 horas en la noche, y ejercitarte por lo menos 30 minutos al da. Esto te ayudara a regular el desbalance qumico que afecta tu estado de nimo, adems de que te da tiempo para desahogarte y distraerte. Ya que la rutina de cuidado eta establecida, es un buen momento para comenzar a explorar la fuente de tus sentimientos negativos, y explralos a travs de terapia. Si se dificulta comenzar a crear una rutina puedes consultar con tu terapista para identificar motivaciones que te impulsen a comenzar. Tambin puedes contactar a tu medico primario o psiquiatra para discutir medicamentos que te pueden ayudar a manejar estos sntomas e iniciar cuidado bsico."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage my anxiety and depression so I can feel normal again?", "questionText": "My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.", "answerText": "You are so not alone in that. There's many, many people that struggle with feeling stuck with the combination of depressive and anxious symptoms. You are right though--it is a miserable thing to go through.The most important thing I usually start with for clients (upon learning about their particular situation) is behavioral activation, which is just a fancy name for \"doing stuff\". Walking is a good place to start because it's not hard on the body and you aren't going from bed to running a marathon. It's a way to get those feel-good chemicals flowing and to also feel like you are doing something, whether or not there's any motivation there. Other people go with tasks, such as cleaning or organizing. Sometimes those more productive things can make us feel good about ourselves, and doing them over and over can build up into confidence that you do have agency in your life.Another option is participating in things you think you'd do if depression and anxiety weren't taking over your life. We tend to believe that we have to feel a certain way to do something exciting or meaningful, but the truth is that sometimes doing things comes first and the feelings we have about them follow. This may take a while, and it may mean combining other techniques like thought-logging (journaling about when certain thought patterns are triggered) and even medication/counseling. It all depends on the person. Engaging in activity may help to lower some of that anxiety also because you're energy has somewhere to be channeled through besides your nervous system.Doing things really has a power in and of itself that teaches us what we are capable of. It's hard not to let your feelings and thoughts con you into believing you are incapable or hopeless, but that's what it is: a con.What you choose and what works best for you may also depend on the factors of your situation. Have you been feeling this way for a long time? Did it come on suddenly and take over within the time-frame of a couple weeks? Or was there a situation that triggered it all? Those things are helpful to know because long-term depression/anxiety require a different spin on techniques than something more short-term that may benefit from processing through a difficult event or learning coping skills to push through a depressive episode. All types can benefit from processing and learning new skills, but predicting patterns and being proactive means knowing those details.Hope this was a bit helpful!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I will never have a good career/amount to anything financially?", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s. I've worked since two months after I turned 18. I have plans. I could become an electrician, or I could operate heavy machinery. I have goals, but I do nothing to try to meet them because I don't feel I can. I just want a better life for my fiance and the kids than I did.", "answerText": "If you're not following the goals you gave yourself, there are two possibilities.You don't really like your goals.You self-sabotage and prevent yourself from your own strengths and accomplishments.Think through each of these.If you've set goals which aren't true to your nature, then intuitively some part of you will reject them.If you self-sabotage, get in your own way from achieving what you truly would like, then ask questions of yourself around whether you feel undeserving of success."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I will never have a good career/amount to anything financially?", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s. I've worked since two months after I turned 18. I have plans. I could become an electrician, or I could operate heavy machinery. I have goals, but I do nothing to try to meet them because I don't feel I can. I just want a better life for my fiance and the kids than I did.", "answerText": "For starters, commend yourself for being committed to working. You have no idea what is going to happen in the next second, so focusing on thinking you will never have a good career or amount to anything financially is creating a fictitious story. Remind yourself of that every time the thought pops up. The false belief that nothing good will happen is sucking out energy you can use on pursuing your career dreams. Next, do you know what you need to do to become an electrician or heavy machinery operator? If not, find out. Then, set up a realistic schedule for yourself to accomplish the steps. As you accomplish each step, see your progress. Notice that you are moving closer to your goal. Every day remind yourself why you are pursuing this career. In fact, write it down and tape it on your bathroom mirror. When you start to feel discouraged, remember your goal and remind yourself that you have no idea if you'll make it or not but you are going to give it everything you have to find out. Anything worth pursuing is going to take a lot of persistence and hard work. Stay with it! You and your family are worth it!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm nothing more than a wife and mom?", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "Good for you on being sensitive to your human need for personal evolution.Wife and mother are meaningful positions. And in your case, in order to feel your own growth, other areas of who you are would like your attention.Give yourself time to allow your interest to wander in order to find the area of growth which will satisfy you.Just like you know now that you'd like more than your current situation, trust yourself to know you will also know when you've arrived at another road you'd like to take for your own happiness."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm nothing more than a wife and mom?", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "It appears to me that you feel as if you have sacrificed your dreams and aspirations when you assumed the roles of wife and mother. Many women place all their energies into raising a family but like you, believe they have not self- actualized in the process. Your efforts and devotion appear to have paid off as you now have a loving family! I would encourage you to explore your passions and hence find your identity apart from mothering.The reality is that parenting involves years of work as it takes 18 years to reach adulthood! Perhaps you can look forward to evolving with your children as you discover what else you would like to do with your life."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm nothing more than a wife and mom?", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "Being a parent can be all-consuming. And there are more societal pressures on mothers to be everything to their children and families. In that effort to be everything (cook, housekeeper, planner, social organizer, teacher, etc) it can be easy to forget about being you. We can certainly acknowledge that becoming a mother likely means giving up or sacrificing parts of yourself for motherhood. There are parts of becoming a mother that can be wonderful and magical, and parts of it that can be just flat out hard. I think it is very important however, for all parents to ask for what they need and to carve out the time to nurture their individuality. This may not only be supportive to you, but it sets a great example for your kids about how to advocate for their needs, and teach them about the depth and interests of their mother."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm nothing more than a wife and mom?", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "It is not easy being a wife and mother. You have shifted roles in your life. You went from having a career to focusing on your family. Transitioning can be hard, especially when we feel we gave something up that we really wanted. I want to acknowledge you for wanting to be the best wife and mother you can. I think it is great that you are self-aware and want to work on this.Feeling \"unhappy and trapped\" may also mean that you are believing these negative thoughts are absolutely true. We have lots and lots of thoughts throughout the day. Sometimes we pay a lot of attention to some and some we ignore. Right now these thoughts are getting a lot of your attention and perhaps you are thinking because you are thinking them they are true. Is it really true that you trapped? You also said that you have an amazing life. It doesn't sound like you are only having negative thoughts. You have some positive ones, too. However, you are giving a lot of weight to the negative thoughts, more weight than the positive ones.I also wonder if you are struggling with the fact that you are even having this thought. One thing that can be helpful is to recognize that you are having a thought, that it is a negative thought, that thinking it does not make it true, and to let it go. This is the basis for mindfulness work that can be really helpful. It is a great place for you to start so you can balance out your thoughts and emotions.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm nothing more than a wife and mom?", "questionText": "I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?", "answerText": "It sound like there are some parts of your life that you really enjoy it and also some things that you wish were different.You say you feel like nothing more than a wife and mom, so I wonder if you could make a list of what else you are (friend, daughter, etc.). I also wonder if you could list your positive attributes or skills.I don't know what you gave up, but I wonder if there is some way that you could spend an hour or so a week working on things that you like and/or spending some time with what you did before you had children. For example, if you're missing a certain part of your career, maybe you could work with your husband to come up with a plan where you could do whenever that is for one day a week. There are often a lot of small changes that can lead you in that direction.Of course, that is assuming that you want to continue being involved with what you were doing before. If not, what else do you want to do? What is it that makes you feel happy? What do you look forward to? Remember that looking forward to having an hour or two where you can do something for yourself does not mean that you are not a good mother or wife. These ideas can coexist.Can you talk with your husband about how you are feeling? Do you have trust for one another with feelings such as these?"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have anxiety?", "questionText": "I stress over everything. If I don't have enough \"quality time\" with my boyfriend, I start to feel resentment towards him. He has three children, and they are great kids, but I find we don't have much time together. I break down easily and find myself depressed.", "answerText": "Everyone has some level of anxiety - it's what helps us respond to stressors in our lives and clues us into the fact that we need to respond to something going on. However, if you're feeling overwhelmed by racing thoughts, feeling like you spend a lot of energy worrying about something specific or even pretty much anything at all, and you're starting to find that it's getting in your way when it comes to living your life the way you want, then I'd suggest seeing a counselor or therapist for an assessment for anxiety.Your other concerns, though, seem pretty \"normal\" for someone who is in a relationship with a partner who has children. As a married stepmother, I've been there, and as a therapist, I can tell you that the boundaries and communication skills you have in your relationships need to be healthy for you to feel healthy. Finding some support from a group of others whose partners have children might be really helpful - being able to hear from others that you aren't alone in feeling like this can really lighten the load, and they might have some good ideas for handling certain situations. Another option is to find a counselor or therapist who has experience working with step/blended family dynamics - because even if you're not officially married, those dynamics come into play whenever there are kids from another relationship involved. You may even consider couples counseling so that both of you can learn to talk about your relationship needs and concerns in a way that will encourage connection and strengthen your sense of partnership."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have anxiety?", "questionText": "I stress over everything. If I don't have enough \"quality time\" with my boyfriend, I start to feel resentment towards him. He has three children, and they are great kids, but I find we don't have much time together. I break down easily and find myself depressed.", "answerText": "Feeling neglected in a romantic relationship can be pretty painful, so I don't think your response is anything out of the ordinary.I do wonder what you mean when you say you stress over everything and break down easily. Is that according to your own assessments or someone else's? What do those moments look like? Within the context of a lot of stress, breaking down wouldn't take a whole lot---and it's OK to break down. It's the body's way of releasing pent up emotions. If that's coming out via aggression or self-harm, it may be time well spent to create a coping plan for those tough times in order to feel like you have more control over your default response.Sometimes voicing your needs can help people to meet them, or at least compromise. If you feel he would be receptive to a discussion, let him know how much time you need a day, or week. You may not even fully know that, but if he's flexible, you can test out what feels right for your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less paranoid at night?", "questionText": "I'm currently up paranoid about, well, everything. I can't get to sleep, and I have a feeling of being watched constantly. I have extreme depression and anxiety. I'd really like to not be this paranoid and go to bed. I've tried night lights, ambiance, and warm baths.", "answerText": "What kinds of things help you to feel safe? I think it's great you've already tried a few things to help yourself sleep, even if they don't work. Those methods of coping could be targeting something other than paranoia--which is maybe why you aren't finding those things are helpful.If you are really struggling, sometimes meds can help to calm the brain a bit. If you choose this route, make sure you give your prescribing doctor all the information about your symptoms so your meds can be as accurate as possible for what you're dealing with.If you have access, counseling could be beneficial as well. There are more and more counselors becoming available via telehealth because of COVID, so you could even find someone to help you right in the space you feel most paranoid about (given that space is private). Either way, talking some of those fears through could at the very least bring some insight, if not some relief."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less paranoid at night?", "questionText": "I'm currently up paranoid about, well, everything. I can't get to sleep, and I have a feeling of being watched constantly. I have extreme depression and anxiety. I'd really like to not be this paranoid and go to bed. I've tried night lights, ambiance, and warm baths.", "answerText": "Would you possibly feel less paranoid if you talk with someone at the moments you feel paranoid? There are mental health hotlines, so maybe speaking with someone would release your fear enough so you'd fall back asleep.Also, maybe go to bed only if you're really, really tired. This way your own body will draw your mental state into going to sleep.Do you understand why the paranoia only affects you during the night. Usually paranoia comes when it wants to, and is not limited to nighttimes.Maybe it is only fear and anxiety, not paranoia you have."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I handle my alcoholic son?", "questionText": "I have an alcoholic son who is draining me financially. I want to get him help, but he doesn't want help. It's making me anxious and depressed.", "answerText": "What a heavy situation to be in. It must be really hard to feel like you aren't able to help your son and the help you do try to give isn't truly helping him or you.There's some things in this situation that are out of your control--what your son does, if he takes help or doesn't, and the feelings that come up for you about that. I can only imagine how draining it would be as a parent to be unable to change something so important. It makes sense you'd be feeling anxious and depressed.Let's switch for a minute to the things you have total control over--what are those things in this situation? Maybe that's how you express your love for your son. Or maybe it's how you choose to support him (even if it feels like it's a betrayal to him). Pay attention as well to the amount of worry you experience--how much of that helps you plan vs how much of that is excess? Knowing what worry isn't necessary can help to put you in control of how you spend some of your time. You can replace this time with some self-care instead, giving back to yourself.Finding support groups or people that have similar situations can be very helpful. I'd say they are almost necessary. Knowing other people get what you are going through and understand the emotional toll can be somewhat healing. They may also know other resources or ideas you can try that are available to people in your situation.Something else to consider is grief work. Letting go of some or all of the situation with your son (if that's what it comes down to) is a giant loss. You probably already went through losing who your son was before the addiction, so it could be worth exploring the impact that had and has on you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I handle my alcoholic son?", "questionText": "I have an alcoholic son who is draining me financially. I want to get him help, but he doesn't want help. It's making me anxious and depressed.", "answerText": "Establish limits on how much money you'll give to him, tell these limits, and as you pointed out, expect him to not care or respect your limits.Try an Al-Anon meeting. These meetings are for family members in similar situations to yours.People who are addicted are not always willing to know themselves, understand their own emotional pain which contributed to their addiction, and then decide to live differently.Additionally, these steps take a long time and there's no good reason for you to put your life in jeopardy in order for your son to take advantage of you.Being a family member of an addict makes seeing the dynamics between you and him, difficult.If some type of group meeting where you can learn from other people who are living in a similar circumstance isn't possible, see if you can find an equivalent of this online.It helps a lot to know how others handles themselves in similar predicaments."}, {"questionTitle": "Is self-diagnosing okay?", "questionText": "I'm currently struggling with diagnosed depression, anxiety, and Misophonia. Also, I am 99% sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the DSM-IV, taken college psychology, etc. I know it in my heart I have them. Is self-diagnosing okay with the right research?", "answerText": "One of the ways a diagnosis is helpful has more to do with health providers having a \"common language\" with which to discuss their patients. Arriving at a diagnosis requires gathering quite a bit of data on an individual which includes observation. I would not recommend self-diagnosing as it could be challenging for an individual to be objective no matter how much research they have done. Further, I do not believe in pathologizing individuals nor would I recommend anyone pathologize themselves."}, {"questionTitle": "Is self-diagnosing okay?", "questionText": "I'm currently struggling with diagnosed depression, anxiety, and Misophonia. Also, I am 99% sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the DSM-IV, taken college psychology, etc. I know it in my heart I have them. Is self-diagnosing okay with the right research?", "answerText": "Sounds like you are really concerned about the things you are feeling and the way you are interacting with others.Self-diagnosing is not typically recommended since there could be a misinterpretation of the criteria even if you do seem to \"fit the mold\". How you interpret how you feel or how you behave can be distorted, no matter who you are. I actually did this to myself when I was in graduate school and it turned out to be wrong!With that being said, I believe people are the experts on their lives and know best what is happening for them. What is telling you that you have these diagnoses? What does it mean about you if you do?I don't give a ton of weight to diagnoses in the sense of treatment because a lot of diagnoses share the same underlying themes and origins. Both Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder can be a result of childhood trauma, so treating one may not look that different from treating the other one---and the most important factor will always be the relationship you have with your therapist otherwise treatment won't work.I do give a lot of weight to diagnoses in terms of emotional relief. It can be really stressful to feel like there's something \"wrong\" with you and not be able to give it a category. It can reduce stigma as well to know that what's happening to you is normal for what you've been through, and that others are going through it, too. And it definitely helps to know that there are ways to help and people that know how to help you.Either way, kudos to you for noticing something in your life that you want to change! It seems like relationships are important to you and you maybe worry you are pushing people away that are important to you? Even if you do have these disorders, you can totally learn how to change your life."}, {"questionTitle": "Is self-diagnosing okay?", "questionText": "I'm currently struggling with diagnosed depression, anxiety, and Misophonia. Also, I am 99% sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the DSM-IV, taken college psychology, etc. I know it in my heart I have them. Is self-diagnosing okay with the right research?", "answerText": "Any diagnosis is limited in its usefulness.Knowing the name of some typical ways you may feel, think and behave, doesn't help you or anyone to understand why the person is the way they are and how to change any of these characteristics.Both self-diagnosing and being diagnosed are equally unhelpful to know why you are the way you are and what to do about it.Consider yourself a person who wants to find a better way to be who you are, and this will get you further with better results than to read a list of descriptions which all are very indicting and negative sounding."}, {"questionTitle": "Is self-diagnosing okay?", "questionText": "I'm currently struggling with diagnosed depression, anxiety, and Misophonia. Also, I am 99% sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the DSM-IV, taken college psychology, etc. I know it in my heart I have them. Is self-diagnosing okay with the right research?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Self-diagnosing is something that we all do about one health issue or another. Taking a guess about what may or may not be happening to us is completely normal, however the actual clinical diagnoses of a mental health disorder requires a licensed mental health professional. Here are a few reasons for this: 1. Making a clinical diagnosis often requires other things besidesmatching upthe symptoms of a disorder. To come to a diagnoses for any of the things you mentioned, a counselorwould consult theDSM, but theymay alsouse some type of screening tool, assessment or scale. Many disorders have similarities and it requires someone with training to tease out the differences in the symptoms. 2. Our judgement is sometimes off when it comes to assessing ourselves. We really can't be objective. Something as serious as determining a diagnosis really needs to be done by someone who has that objectivity. In addition, once you know your diagnosis, treating it usually requires help from a professional. 3. Sometimes the symptoms of a mental health disorder makes self-diagnoses impossible, in and of itself. For example, someone could be having hallucinations or delusions and not realize it. That would clearly make it impossible for them to diagnose themselves. There a many examples where something like this could happen with different mental health disorders. There are other reasons, but these arethree important ones. Now, does this mean that you are wrong about your diagnosis? Maybe not. You may be correct. But,it is important to get this confirmed by a professional mental health clinician. If a disorder is then found, you can begin to talk about treatment. Hope this was helpful. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my parents that I think I have some mental problems?", "questionText": "I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?", "answerText": "Talking with parents can be very challenging, even if they are loving and understanding.Have you ever discussed these issues in the past? If so, how did they respond? It'd make sense if you were avoiding a discussion if they have responded negatively to you, or even neutrally. We rely on our parents for action when we are in need and it can feel so disappointing when they don't meet our needs. If this is the case for you, you could still reach out to them if you feel safe to. That might mean being very candid about what you need from them or what you are seeking for yourself. Sounds like you already know you are struggling and you want to get some help which is awesome.Do you worry they won't believe you? Or that they'll be disappointed in you for self-harming? If you are struggling with these worries, it may be worth talking to another trusted adult about how to bring the issues up to your parents. Maybe that adult could be part of the conversation if appropriate or available? Also, do you have any siblings that are old enough to be part of the conversation? Or maybe be a shoulder to lean on? No matter what happens, social support is really important so you don't have to go through it all alone.Is it possible that your parents or even one of your parents will be proud of you for speaking up for yourself and trying to get help? Sometimes depression and anxiety immobilizes us because we fear the worst, when in reality there are many more possibilities.One of the things I have my teen clients work on if they want to communicate something to a caregiver is have them come up with a bullet-point list of the things they need them to know. So maybe your list would include symptoms you've been struggling with, how you want to change, and what you need from them to help you change. If you do this and it doesn't turn out well, remember that it's on them and not you. Sometimes parents are doing the best they can, and sometimes it's not good enough. That never means you aren't worth helping. It could be helpful to make a backup plan for how you will try to reach out to someone if they don't respond well.You also don't specify your age, or if you are even a teen. I'm assuming you are, but if not, you may be able to get help without their consent or help. If you are closer to age 18, you may not have long to wait.I truly hope you find what you need!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my parents that I think I have some mental problems?", "questionText": "I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?", "answerText": "If you have already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, can you go back to the people who diagnosed you with those things?It may be that your parents would be open to you talking with someone because it sounds like you have done this in the past. I don't know whether you have a specific reason that you are thinking they may have some hesitation, but if you are comfortable saying that you would really like to talk to someone because you are feeling sad or anxious (or whichever of your concerns you feel comfortable revealing to them), that may be a way to start the process. As for how you tell them about the fact that you have harmed yourself in the past and used to be suicidal, a therapist may be able to work together with you to discuss the best way to tell them about that.I'm not sure if you have told anyone about what you have been experiencing, but if you have some support there, perhaps they would be able to give you feedback about ways to talk with your parents as well.You mentioned that sometimes you hear voices. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but if the voices that you hear are giving you directions and you feel as though you might follow them, that would be a time to ask for immediate help, before you follow through with what they are telling you, perhaps by calling 800-273-8255. They may be able to connect you with local resources and they can definitely talk with you in the moment that you call."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my parents that I think I have some mental problems?", "questionText": "I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?", "answerText": "Family support is very helpful when having these symptoms. I suggest looking for therapist within reach (school, through your insuranceor the community, calling 2-1-1). Once you schedule a session, you can inform them and invite them to come in. I have found trough sceptic parents, that once they give it a chance they open up to the process of learning and healing. I also understand that parents may become overly concerned and overprotective when hearing about your symptoms, and thats why is important to discuss them with a therapist, normalize them, understand why you experience them, and learn how they could help you. Cmo les digo a mis padres que yo pienso que tengo problemas mentales?Estoy seguro que tengo depresin ansiedad. Tambin escucho voces en mi cabeza. Tengo problemas para dormir tambin. Y he sido diagnosticado con dficit de atencin y desorden obsesivo compulsivo. Me he auto flagelado y sola tener ideas suicidas. Como les dejo saber y les pido ayuda.El apoyo de la familia es muy til cuando se experimentan los sntomas que mencionas. Te sugiero que busques un consejero (en la escuela, a travs de tu plan mdico, o en la comunidad, llamando al 2-1-1). Ya que tengas tu cita, invita a tus padres. He observado que aunque algunos padres son escpticos al principio, pero una vez le dan una oportunidad se abren al proceso de terapia y sus beneficios. Tambin he observado que algunos padres se vuelven sobreprotectores cuando aprenden de los sntomas que sufren sus hijos, as que sera otro beneficio que aprendieran que pueden hacer para ayudarte y apoyarte."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my parents that I think I have some mental problems?", "questionText": "I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?", "answerText": "What stops you now from telling your parents the way you are feeling?Do you imagine asking them for therapy would be a surprise for them?If they're paying attention to you at all, then I imagine they'd feel relief to know you're aware of having some feelings within yourself of a problem.If you believe they'd have a negative reaction to you asking for help, this may very well be part of why you are having problems in the first place.What reaction did your parents have when you were diagnosed with the other conditions?I'd separate their willingness to help you from your sense of needing help.If they do not want to help with finding a therapist for you, then start by looking for services available for people in your age group whose parents also do not wish to be involved in their child's emotional and psychological health."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my 20 year old boyfriend who says he hates his life?", "questionText": "I think adult life is making him depressed and we often sleep in on weekends untill 1 or 2 pm. We just eat, smoke weed, watch movies, and he'll go on his phone all day. He doesn't seem motivated to do much and he's often angry. I have no clue how to help him take his mind off the negative, or to distract him into a different light. How do I help him?", "answerText": "That's a giant task to have to do all on your own. It's hard to watch someone you care about feel depressed and I'm guessing it brings you down, too.Change is tricky. Most people need to hit a \"rock bottom\" before they can transform their lives. Rock bottom is a moving target though--meaning one person's rock bottom could look completely different than someone else's. For some people that's a trip to the hospital, for others it's failing an exam. It's about what brings up enough discomfort (with awareness of why) with the current way of living that not changing would be more painful.Depression is so hard, but it can also be weirdly comforting. It sucks to feel sad, but at least you know what to expect. He knows that he's going to get high, zone out into his phone, and his anger is probably pretty predictable. On the other hand, change is uncertain.Is he open to seeing a therapist? Or open to trying anything new with you? If not, that's not your fault nor is it your responsibility. You obviously care, but that doesn't mean it's on you if he doesn't follow through. It seems like maybe he feels some comfort in the daily structure that you described, but even getting out for a walk could help his mindset a bit.Overall, it's not a guarantee that you can help him, though it is really incredible that you have so much empathy for him. Make sure you are taking care of yourself because you matter, too!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my 20 year old boyfriend who says he hates his life?", "questionText": "I think adult life is making him depressed and we often sleep in on weekends untill 1 or 2 pm. We just eat, smoke weed, watch movies, and he'll go on his phone all day. He doesn't seem motivated to do much and he's often angry. I have no clue how to help him take his mind off the negative, or to distract him into a different light. How do I help him?", "answerText": "How do you help yourself to believe you require more than what he offers to you?What do you get from this relationship which feels satisfying?To answer this question may in the longterm be the best way to help your bf."}, {"questionTitle": "is it normal not to feel empathy?", "questionText": "I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself.", "answerText": "Thank you for posting. I'm interested to hear some more information; such as, if you live by yourself or family, if you go to school/employed/unemployed, and what kind of things do you like to do with friends or by yourself. Often times, when we are experiencing a strong emotion that we interpret as negative, we put most of our focus on that negative emotion and struggle to see that we do not alwaysfeel that specific emotion. There are typically points in the day (even if it is for only in 1 minute intervals) when we do not feel that negative emotion. When we overgeneralize, we use words like \"always\" or \"never\" and when we use those words and it may not be totally true, we feel the negative emotion based on an inaccuracy which is not fair to you. Ask yourself some of these questions: Am I being realistic when I'm overgeneralizing things? Have I ever noticed a short period of time that I wasn't feeling anxious? What do I notice when I am feeling anxious? What am I thinking about? When was the last time I felt empathy? What was different when I was able to feel empathy? Hopefully this helps get you started."}, {"questionTitle": "is it normal not to feel empathy?", "questionText": "I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself.", "answerText": "Its not normal to feel no empathy.Maybe you do have a little more empathy for yourself than you realize, since you seem to express some empathy toward yourself not feeling emotions.Try to understand the circumstance about which you feel anxiety. This may increase your empathy toward yourself.If you feel anxiety about a relationship, then empathize with having lost the relationship.If you feel anxiety about not having enough funds to pay bills, then empathize with yourself for this situation.If you feel anxiety about how someone engages with you, then empathize with feeling unsure of how to respond to this.Basically, see if you can substitute empathy toward yourself for the tension of your anxiety!"}, {"questionTitle": "is it normal not to feel empathy?", "questionText": "I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself.", "answerText": "It's very common to lose the ability to experience empathy when you are overwhelmed, burned out, and/or exhausted.Empathy is about accessing your own emotions in a way to understand someone else's experience or circumstance. If there's something in you (emotionally) that you may be trying to avoid, it may shut-down your willingness to feel or express empathy altogether. This also happens often with emotional exhaustion, as well as if we aren't putting up boundaries with our empathy. Brene Brown has a great video on this:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5U3VcgUzqiI.One way to think about this is to ask yourself what your anxiety is trying to tell you. Is there maybe something that you aren't addressing in your life that is bugging you? Or do you feel you are addressing too much and are spread too thin?I'm also unsure if your comment means you don't have any emotion for yourself or you don't have anxiety for yourself, but I want to point out that you do have some sort of emotion for yourself. That's the very reason you have asked this question! Fear does a stellar job at masking emotions like sadness and shame. You may not be aware of these feelings, but they could still exist.Loss of empathy can sometimes lead to a disconnection from the pain of others, though the extreme versions of this are not very common. If you do start to experience homicidal ideation or thoughts about seriously harming others, it's important you talk to someone right away."}, {"questionTitle": "is it normal not to feel empathy?", "questionText": "I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself.", "answerText": "Empathy usually falls on a spectrum, meaning that some people show more than others. Empathy is the ability to look at the world through someone else's eyes or \"walk a mile in their shoes.\" There could be some people in your life for whom empathy is easier to feel and those for whom you have no idea what they are experiencing.Empathy is not usually categorized as an emotion, but as something related to emotions. For example, you could have empathy about someone's anxiety.I'm not sure whether you are also referring to the idea that you don't have sympathy for yourself or others. That's a different concept, but also involves different degrees.When you say you don't have emotion except anxiety, I wonder if you are saying that you have anxiety all the time and it may be covering up other emotions? If you are experiencing a lot of anxiety, try to look at what it connects to and find something that changes your focus for a few minutes. This could be any number of activities, such as watching TV, cooking, reading a book, or many other options.If you are feeling as if you are just going through the motions and not having a lot of emotions about anything, if it's just been a few days, it may just be related to a current stress that will lessen in a few days. If it has been quite a while, consider tracking your mood and looking at when you do notice changes in your emotions. There may be some variations that you are not aware of.If you continue to feel anxious and as if you don't have as many emotions as you would like, consider talking with your primary care physician or a local therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "is it normal not to feel empathy?", "questionText": "I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself.", "answerText": "Empathy is the ability to tap into our own experience to help us connect with others in order to be aware of how they are experiencing life. It is a skill that we learn with practice and refine as we become mature. If you are feeling anxious, maybe you are able to understand better others who are going trough anxiety. But I wonder if instead of feeling empathy, you may just want to find ways to reduce your anxiety. A good idea is to be very aware of your anxiety triggers, and once you identify them explore other ways you could react.Sera normal que no sienta empata?Parece que no puedo experimentar ninguna otra emocin que no sea ansiedad, ni si quiera por m misma.Empata es la habilidad de usar tus propias experiencias para conectarte con otros y estar consciente de la manera que ellos experimentan la vida. Es una destreza interpersonal que aprendemos y refinamos con la prctica y segn maduramos como personas. Si te ests sintiendo ansioso, tal vez puedas comprender mejor como otra persona experimenta momentos de ansiedad. Pero me pregunto si en lugar de estar buscando sentir empata, realmente quisieras reducir tus niveles de ansiedad. Una buena manera es estar consciente que activa la ansiedad, y ya que lo identifiques, explora que otras reacciones pudieras tener."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I take care of my depression from a breakup?", "questionText": "I have been falling into a deep depression where I can no function during the day and night. The only time I am at peace is when Im asleep. If I am with friends, family, at work, and mainly alone, I cannot think straight. I no longer feel like myself.", "answerText": "Have you tried to allow yourself some breathing space to emotionally recuperate from the breakup?Sometimes people expect themselves to bounce back faster than is feasible. Then, the suffer from both the sadness and distractibility from the breakup in addition to the suffering which is self-induced by not permitting time to feel upset about the loss of the relationship.Be gentle and kind toward yourself because loving yourself will release some of the tension you feel.Since you write that you cannot function and you wrote a question on an online website, maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit for your capacity to function.Anyone who is not functioning wouldn't be capable to write a question about themselves.While what you write about yourself is in broad terms, my equally broad answer is you may be doing better than you think and the key problem is the discomfort and impatience that the feeling of sadness from the breakup, was more in the past than currently is the case."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I take care of my depression from a breakup?", "questionText": "I have been falling into a deep depression where I can no function during the day and night. The only time I am at peace is when Im asleep. If I am with friends, family, at work, and mainly alone, I cannot think straight. I no longer feel like myself.", "answerText": "I don't know how long ago your breakup was, but I would suggest that you reach out to friends or family that you trust and perhaps a local mental health clinician.I'm not sure what you mean when you say that you are not able to function during the day and night. If you are having trouble sleeping for more than a few nights, consider talking with your primary care physician. Not sleeping can really make changes in your emotions seem much larger.Can you find anything in your life that is the same as it was before the breakup? This may be a starting point for you. I wonder if you could think of and moment or two each day when you feel emotionally at peace while you are awake. Also consider looking at things that you can control, such as when you choose to wear, eat, and who you talk to about your deepest feelings.You mentioned that you have friends and family. I wonder if any of them are supportive to you.Please reach out and talk to someone about the details. I get the sense that you feel that you are alone in this, and having someone there to help you sort out what you're feeling sounds like it would be a gift to yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I take care of my depression from a breakup?", "questionText": "I have been falling into a deep depression where I can no function during the day and night. The only time I am at peace is when Im asleep. If I am with friends, family, at work, and mainly alone, I cannot think straight. I no longer feel like myself.", "answerText": "It is common to go through a stage of adjustment after a breakup, which may include depression symptoms. I recommend practicing self-care: stressing on balancing your life with healthy eating, exercise, resting and looking at your spiritual life. These steps should assist you in giving your body and mind some balance. Practice cognitive reframing, this is training your brain to refocus, and stay on task. Meditation is a great tool to clear your mind during the day as well; there are multiple apps that help. If the problem persists a therapist could assist you in learning to focus and process those thoughts and feelings that cloud you mind.Cmo puedo manejar la depresin despus de unaseparacin?He estado cayendo en una depresin profunda que no me permite funcionar durante el da. El nico memento en el que estoy en calma es cuando duermo. Si estoy con mis amigos, familia, en el trabajo o a solas, no puedo pensar claramente. Ya no me siento como yo.Es comn pasar por un estado de ajuste despus de una separacin, y este ajuste puede incluir sntomas de depresin. Recomiendo que practiques auto compasin: esforzarte en balancear tu vida comiendo saludable, ejercitndote, descansando y analizando tu vida espiritual. Estos pasos te ayudarn a balancear tu mente y cuerpo. Tambin puedes practicar reenfocar tus pensamientos para mantener tu mente clara. La meditacin es una buena manera de practicar el enfoque mental, y existen muchas aplicaciones que te pueden ayudar. Si el problema persiste tu consejero te puede ayudar a aprender tcnicas de enfoque a procesar pensamientos o sentimientos que te estn afectando."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find out the cause of my depression and anxiety?", "questionText": "I have been feeling more and more down for over a month. I have started having trouble sleeping due to panic attacks, but they are almost never triggered by something that I know of.", "answerText": "The first thing I usually recommend to clients that are coming in for these issues in addition to stress management is visiting their doctor. We really don't know if it's something psychological that's influencing your symptoms, or if there's other issues happening within the body. Pancreas or thyroid issues can perpetuate anxiety and depression symptoms pretty intensely--these are things your doctor knows more about and can help test for (and maybe rule out).As you probably already know, lack of sleep is a giant contributor to an increase in symptoms. We don't know too much about sleep in the research, but we do know it's necessary to function and function well. Some suggestions here from the research we do have: creating a calming routine at night can help with your body's relationship to sleep. This can be your normal nightly hygiene paired with some relaxing videos or soundscapes (there are apps for this--Calm, Headspace, PanicShield). Practicing these for a few weeks can help your brain pair your routine with sleeping.Another suggestion directly from the research is not to take naps. Yes, your brain needs sleep, but napping messes with our circadian rhythm and our quality/quantity of nightly sleep. When we sleep, we go through sleep stages--but when we nap, those stages aren't completed like they would be during a full night of sleep where we go through those stages multiple times. Both deep sleep and REM sleep (typically when we dream) seems to be especially important for feeling rested. Napping usually only offers us a small dose of that, whereas a full night can offer as many more completed cycles including both these stages.If you are waking into a panic attack, this site may give you some info on what that means:https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/panic-attacks/expert-answers/panic-attacks/faq-20057984.Here's a great information website that has tons of resources, including support groups:https://washingtoncenterforcognitivetherapy.com/problems-treated/panic-disorder/panic-disorder-organizations/.Glad you reached out here!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find out the cause of my depression and anxiety?", "questionText": "I have been feeling more and more down for over a month. I have started having trouble sleeping due to panic attacks, but they are almost never triggered by something that I know of.", "answerText": "Answers about our inner lives are most successfully reached from a sense of feeling grounded in oneself.First step is to accept your nervousness and restless sleep. As often as possible, sleep during daytimes in order for your body to catch up on its need for rest.Accept too about feeling down. It is normal to feel down once in a while. From this place of self-acceptance, trust any answers which come up to your mind. Often answers about complicated topics come in small pieces, not all at once as a whole unit.Also, your description about panic attacks is also completely normal. They often arise unrelated to particular conditions at a given moment. They are a healthy symptom your body is trying to expel bad feelings and does this by having the anxiety erupt at times.So, self-acceptance, tolerance of being on a process of clearing out worn out emotional clutter, and sleep at odd times if possible, are all ways to stabilize yourself, which will also feel calm and good!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find out the cause of my depression and anxiety?", "questionText": "I have been feeling more and more down for over a month. I have started having trouble sleeping due to panic attacks, but they are almost never triggered by something that I know of.", "answerText": "It could be really helpful to see a counselor/therapist about your increasing depression/panic symptoms. Finding out the cause of depression/anxiety isn't always as straightforward as it seems, since both issues tend to become patterns we engage in rather than solely related to a specific trigger/reason. For example, if I am feeling down about a particular circumstance in my life, then I start seeing life through this lens of feeling down, and typically I'll start to see a lot more that I get down about, and it can really build very quickly on itself. Same with anxiety. Obviously, this is a very simplified example and it can be very difficult to see how the pattern is maintained, but that's where working with a counselor/therapist comes in.I would be curious about whether you can start to notice the initial sensations of panic, and if you can (through the panic attack) continue to maintain awareness of the actual physical sensations. Even better if you can talk yourself through the sensations you're feeling - such as saying to yourself \"Okay, I'm breathing really rapidly, and my heart is racing, now my palms are sweaty and my chest is feeling really tight...\" Reminding yourself that it's just your body's reaction to stress, and while it might be overreacting right now, you're okay and eventually it will go away. I highly recommend the SAM for Anxiety Management app for the anxiety piece, and I wouldn't be surprised if addressing the anxiety helped to address some of the depression too."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my depression and anxiety after trying so many things?", "questionText": "I have terrible anxiety and depression. I've tried various therapists and pills, but nothing's helped.", "answerText": "Is it possible you simply didn't mix well with the particular therapists with whom you've worked? If this is possible, interview a therapist before starting therapy. Then you will be choosing a therapist who feels compatible with your way of seeing yourself and your life.Also, therapy isn't for everyone.Read about the different healing modalities and see if one of these speaks to your interest in feeling better.What matters most is finding among all the legitimate healing methods, what you believe will be effective."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my depression and anxiety after trying so many things?", "questionText": "I have terrible anxiety and depression. I've tried various therapists and pills, but nothing's helped.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you've had a difficult time finding what you need. Sounds like you have been trying super hard!It's common for people to go through a few therapists before they find a fit. I agree with the prior post that relationship is the most important factor in counseling, otherwise techniques don't really work. It can be the case that you are connecting with your counselor but not able to implement what you are learning for whatever reason. That's pretty typical in depression when lethargy is high and motivation is low.Have you discussed your medication with your prescribing provider? It seems like you have advocated for yourself in the past and have put some effort into trying new things. That's actually really tough to do, depression or not! When I have clients that seem to make no progress despite many sessions and different medications, I recommend trying a service called GeneSight. Here's the link:https://genesight.com/.This service allows you find medications that fit best with your genetic makeup. I don't have any affiliation to this service, but I've seen some success for people that have followed through since it is very personalized. I believe some insurance companies cover the full cost and it's easy to use.Let me also point out that your motivation is spectacular. You have been through multiple therapists and meds, yet you still reach out on this forum filled with counselors! That shows some dedication to yourself and hope that you can find help to change. That's not easy with depression or anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my depression and anxiety after trying so many things?", "questionText": "I have terrible anxiety and depression. I've tried various therapists and pills, but nothing's helped.", "answerText": "I'm sorry that you have tried several different things and not had much relief.I will say that there are several different types of medications that may help and each therapist is different, so it is quite possible that a different combination of things you've already tried may be helpful.I would encourage you to continue trying different therapists. I would say to give each one at least six sessions before you decide that the approach that they are using is not working for you. Also, most places have a certain sort of structured initial session that must be done, but after that, the decisions are largely up to what you and the clinician feel is helping. If something is or is not working, communicate this with your therapist. This is a big deal. Most therapists I know actually welcome this feedback.There is a fair amount of research into the idea that the therapeutic alliance (the relationship that you have in the context of working through the reasons that brought you into therapy) is very important. Also, sometimes anxiety and depression can make it difficult to go to therapy on a regular basis. If that is something with which you are struggling, I would encourage you to talk about that as well.In addition to a solid relationship with a therapist who you connect with, you may consider trying something like yoga or meditation. Mindfulness is sometimes helpful as well.Here's a link to questions for finding suitable therapists:http://www.pharmatherapist.com/12-tips-for-finding-a-suitable-therapist"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. This is a very serious time. I don't mean to frighten you, but you are right to be concerned. The time right after people leave the hospital after receiving psychiatric services is a time of high risk for suicide. It is very important, after hospitalization,to getfollow-up care with a professional as soon as possible. If your husband has an established therapist, this is the time to call. It is also a good time to alert your support system of friends, family, clergy or others to let them know he is still struggling. This is good support for him AND you.It is important to think about means and opportunity to make another attempt. Means really do matter. So, if you have a firearm in the home, it is really important to remove it. You can't remove all things that a person may hurt themselves with, but some things are more lethal than others. Firearms are very lethal. I am not sure what means he used last time, but try to reduce the opportunity for him to access it again. This is where your support system can help out. People can take turns hanging out with him until you are sure the crisis is over.If you believe that an attempt is going to occur, talk to your husband about going back to the hospital. If he refuses, you will want to find out what your options are to have him go even if he doesn't want to. I know the thought of that really hurts, but it can save his life. Calling 9-1-1 is alwaysagood option if you are not sure. Usually a suicide crisis, meaning they want to harm themselves right now, lasts a few minutes, hours or days. Sometimes when you get them through the crisis stage, they no longer want to commit suicide. But, as you are indicating, that feeling of wanting to commit suicide can come back again. So, it is always good to have a plan. If you want more information, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They will always answer: 1-800-273-8255. They can help you create a specific safety plan. I do hope things work out alright. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "This is actually more common then we often realize, and actually understandable, as he has gone through a trauma, an unresolved existential crisis. He was taken care of by others and now is again left alone with his own internal, and rather horrific inner struggle.In my work with CCT, or Contextual Conceptual Therapy, (see www.suicidetherapy.com) I have learned how trapped suicidalpeople are in their own isolation, also called a \"mysterious isolation,\" a form of self protection which cuts the off from their Self, or spirit. And unless they address this message from their soul, accompany a guide on a journey to discover their own missing information, that is to recognize how their own uncomforted emotionalpain has resulted in a coping stategy which has effectively cut themselves off from their own beauty, their Self, and their ability to receive love from themselves and others.Their attempt to kill themselves is a cry from their soul or spirit that they cannot live the life they are living any longer. They take this literally and try to end their life, when in fact what their soul or spirit is saying is they need to begin to live the life they came here to live."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "I'm thankful to read your husband found care and that his suicide attempt wasn't successful. While he was hospitalized, and prior to his release, your husband would've been provided in writing a self-care action plan. This typically includes things like committing to a contract 'not to harm' and what to do if he felt overwhelmed by his anger, depression, and hopelessness (e.g. call 911, call therapist, go to nearest hospital emergency department). Additionally, his protocol would've provided instructions for his taking medication(s) as directed, having a follow-up appointment(s) with his psychiatrist/psychologist/clinical social worker, and participating in some form of small group support. If your husband's struggling as you describe, and you are feeling overwhelmed or frightened for his (your) safety, I'd encourage you to seek immediate assistance."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "This must be so difficult for both of you. Watching someone you love suffer so profoundly can bring up lots of difficult feelings. Without knowing what you are already doing, I have a few thoughts to share with you.First and foremost, know that you cannot fix this for him, and get support for yourself.As much as you are able, make space in your relationship for him to talk about what he is experiencing. He might not want to talk, and that is ok.If he wants to talk, try to listen without judgement and without trying to talk him out of his feelings. Focus on validating his feelings and just sitting with him in his pain.Let him know how you feel...that you love him, that you care, that you are concerned, that this is scary for you too, that you are here.I hope that this is helpful. On my website (www.sarahmcintyrelpc.com), I've written a series of blog posts about coping with distress. The techniques I've written about there may be supportive for you and your husband. Sending warm wishes your way.-Sarah"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "I appreciate that you are concerned about your husband's emotions and want to support him as best you can right now. I imagine that you must be going through your own difficult time too. You've had a complicated shock and trauma in your life and in your marriage; it's normal for both of your emotions to move from hope to despair to fear, anger, gratitude... there is no wrong way to feel and there is no particular pattern your emotions or his will follow.Try not to assume what he is feeling but ask him instead. \"How are you doing today?\" is something that can be asked over and over again and your love and compassion for him will come through. If he has a hard time talking, you can share your observations. \"I notice you're more withdrawn. This worries me.\" Certainly it will help you if you know what he's thinking and feeling because he hid his intentions to hurt himself. It's normal that you want to know.If there is depression and hopelessness, this likely was part of what led to his initial despair. There is help out there. Depression is treatable, and seeking that treatment is important right now at this vulnerable time. This is the kind of complex situation that can be assisted by a therapist who is qualified to help you both understand and manage your emotions. Whether your husband seeks help or not, I hope that you do."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "A failed suicide attempt is commonly thought of as a cry for help, however it can also be a serious attempt to find a permanent solution to depression, hopelessness or other feelings a person feels are unbearable. Its wonderful that you want to support your husband, but If your husband is feeling depressed and hopeless, you can best help him by getting him to a mental health professional. Feelings of hopelessness and depression, and previous attempts at suicide are all risk factors for future suicide attempts.With a mental health professional, or in the emergency room of a hospital, your husband should be evaluated for suicidal thoughts, intent and plan, and if he is a danger to himself he should probably be hospitalized again until he is stable. Without knowing the particulars, your husband may suffer from Major Depressive Disorder or some other illness on the depressive spectrum. In that case medication could help him immensely, at which point you can offer your support and encouragement him to practice gentle self-care. And do not forget to practice it for yourself. Remember: a suicide attempt not only affects the person, but it is an immense stressor for his or her loved ones as well. As they say, put your oxygen mask on first. Then you will be better able to provide your husband with calm and loving care and attention.Kayla Schwartz, LMSW[emailprotected]"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "The fact that you're reaching out for help here is really helpful.The first thing I would suggest is that you consider seeing a local mental health professional yourself to be able to talk about the details, how this is affecting you, and how you can hold onto you are while also being supportive to you husband.From the way that you describe this, I wonder what has changed since coming home from the hospital. Perhaps you can have a conversation with your husband this and mention that you are asking him questions to learn more about his experience and you can discuss how you notice that things were going much better when he came home from the hospital, and now things are not as good. Perhaps he can tell you about what is different so that you may know him would be most helpful to him.I also hope that you husband is still continuing with his own treatment.There may also be a local peer support telephone number for the county that you live in that they be able to help you determine whether your husband needs more immediate treatment if he is feeling hopeless again. There are national crisis telephone numbers listed below as well."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "Before I answer your question I want to cover some basics given that attempted suicide is very serious. I don't mean to scare you but I do want to be realistic with you. If a person attempts suicide once it is more likely they will try again. Men also succeed more often than women because they typically use a means that is more fatal. Here are some signs you can watch for:Threatening to hurt or kill himself, or talking of wanting to hurt or kill himself; and or,Looking for ways to kill himself by seeking access to firearms, available pills, or other means; and/or,Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide, when these actions are out of the ordinary.Some other signs are:Increasedsubstance(alcohol or drug)useNo reason for living; no sense ofpurposein lifeAnxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all of the timeFeelingtrapped like theres no way outHopelessnessWithdrawalfrom friends, family and societyRage, uncontrolledanger, seeking revengeActingrecklessor engaging in risky activities, seemingly without thinkingDramaticmood changesGiving away prized possessions or seeking long-term care for petsNow, in terms of ways you can help:1. Ask if your husband is okay or if he is having thoughts of suicide2. Express your concern about what you are observing in his behavior3. Listen attentively and non-judgmentally4. Reflect what he shares and let him know that his is heard5. Tell him he is not alone6. Discuss treatments available that can help7. Guide them to additional professional help:National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).A mental health professionalA hospital emergency departmentIf you are interested, I have more information on my website under \"Resources/Information\" and \"Suicide\". www.bbcounseling.netI wish you both the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my husband after a suicide attempt?", "questionText": "After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.", "answerText": "Since as husband and wife your lives are closely joined, how your husband feels greatly influences the way you feel.Give yourself some time to concentrate on how you've been affected by your husband's suicide attempt. Even if you decide against immediately telling him how you're feeling, knowing this about yourself will guide how and the topics you bring up with him.Is your husband talking easily with you?Do you have some ideas as to what is creating his feeling of hopelessness?The ideal approach would be if the two of you are able to discuss what bothers him and what bothers you.Depending on how far away you each are from such a position, you may benefit from speaking with a licensed professional therapist who can guide you and or you and your husband on opening up for discussion what feels stressful enough to merit taking one's own life."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get back on my feet while going through a bad divorce?", "questionText": "I am going through a divorce. He is extremely angry. He refuses to physically assist me with our teenager daughter. I have no extended family support. Often times, I feel overwhelmed, tired, and joyless. I feel out of control, sad and depressed on a daily basis. I am just going through the motions of life every day. I am in my mid-50s. I have almost 29 years on my job. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Going through a divorce is often a very low point for the people involved.Are you surprised that your soon to be ex doesn't help with your teenage daughter?Usually patterns and dynamics in parenting are not sudden developments.Is it possible that what you're feeling now is more intensity to the stress of parenting by yourself, not that this is a sudden problem?This is relevant because you may be more familiar and more capable than you're giving yourself credit. The lack of emotional support is definitely stressful.Your parenting skills may still be at the level at which they were prior to the divorce.Take your emotional weariness seriously and reflect on the various ways of stress relief which are available and interest you.Give yourself extra time to rest, nurture yourself and be flexible in finding what feels right for stabilizing yourself.Since you talk about your daughter and help in physical ways, if it is a matter of strength that you need, talk with your attorney so that the child custody agreement includes whatever is physically necessary in the way of strength, in taking care of your daughter.The Courts are very good at making effort that the custody agreement offers proper care to the kids."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get back on my feet while going through a bad divorce?", "questionText": "I am going through a divorce. He is extremely angry. He refuses to physically assist me with our teenager daughter. I have no extended family support. Often times, I feel overwhelmed, tired, and joyless. I feel out of control, sad and depressed on a daily basis. I am just going through the motions of life every day. I am in my mid-50s. I have almost 29 years on my job. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "You are in the midst of a really hard time and it sounds like you have no help at all. Search out a local support group through community counseling type centers. If you can't find a group, at least get in to see a therapist who can help you manage stress and upset better. Your sadness, depression and out-of-control feelings don't mean there is something wrong with you - they just mean that your circumstances are too big for your current resources to handle, so get some help. Take care of YOU and you'll be able to get through this."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel fine when I'm with others, but when I'm alone, I feel really depressed, sad, and worthless?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Its possible you're distracting yourself from pressing matters within yourself when you're together with friends.Practice having time by yourself so you can address the basics questions you ask here. Your questions are good ones.Be prepared to surprise yourself with the answers which emerge. The more you learn and understand yourself, the less you'll feel a need to distract yourself. Then you can have time with friends for its own enjoyments sake."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my friend might have depression", "questionText": "She has trouble falling and staying asleep and she's always either extremely hungry or not hungry at all. She also gets angry and feels like crying really easily for no reason. She says she is always \"kind of down.\" Is this depression? What can I do to help her?", "answerText": "Do you feel heavy with despair, struggling each day to keep your head just above the darkness and dread? Does it take every ounce of energy to stay afloat? Or are you feeling overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness?If this sounds familiar, we want you to know that you are not alone and therapy for depression could help.While it may seem difficult to find your way back to hope and happiness, therapists have been helping clients to personally do just that for years. To experience the joy of warm sunshine on their face, to reconnect with estranged loved ones, and to re-engage with a meaningful life.Just like other chronic illnesses, depression is not your fault, its nothing youve caused. And also like many other illnesses, effective treatments exist to help ease and eliminate the struggles you face.Ifyouvesaid or thought these things a lot recently:Im too tired to try.I dont want to leave home.I dont care anymore.Why am I always crying?I dont even know who I am any more.Or even,I wish I wasnt here.Then there are proven steps and therapies that can help you get remarkable relief.Therapy for depression can bring you hope, help and a way forward. Visit denvermhc.com to read more."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my friend might have depression", "questionText": "She has trouble falling and staying asleep and she's always either extremely hungry or not hungry at all. She also gets angry and feels like crying really easily for no reason. She says she is always \"kind of down.\" Is this depression? What can I do to help her?", "answerText": "Sounds like signs of someone who is depressed.Since the person in question is your friend, offer your friendship to listen to any situations or feelings she has about herself and the way her life is going.Depressed people are often lonely people and feel as though no one around them cares or notices them. Your willingness to be available to her may lift her spirits. Feeling loved goes a long way to dissolving depressed feelings.Also, if in the beginning when you offer to talk, there is a high chance she'll be defensive and turn down your offer.Try again on another day and then another day.When people feel depressed they usually shut down. So you may need a few or several tries before your friend accepts your offer to show her you care about how she is doing.Also, watch for signs within yourself that your friends' depression is not sinking your emotions. Depressed people are draining to be around because they often see and talk about only the negatives and drawbacks of situations."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I upset or down every day even when nothing is going on?", "questionText": "How can I get to a place where I can be content from day to day?", "answerText": "Your question is a fascinating one!As humans we have the ability to reflect on situations in our lives.Even if nothing currently goes on in a particular moment, its possible youre reflecting on a serious or upsetting matter.And, our emotions linger within us.Just because a particular moment feels calm, inside your feelings may be the sense of a strong unsettled emotion from the recent past.Good for you to be aware of your own sensitivity to living with awareness of your moods and thoughts."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I upset or down every day even when nothing is going on?", "questionText": "How can I get to a place where I can be content from day to day?", "answerText": "One thing that comes to mind is making a list of some things that happen each day. It could be that there are things that are affecting how upset you are, but because so many other things are going on, you may not notice.Another idea to try is to keep a list for a month of one good thing that happened each day. This way, when you're having a rough day, you have a list to think of and take a look at.Are you eating and sleeping in ways that are typical for you (typically at least two meals per day and roughly 8 hours of sleep that night (may be different depending on your age)? These two ideas are closely related to changes in your mood.From where do you have support? Friends or family?Can you take 5 or 10 minutes per day to do something that you enjoy?If you think back to the last time that you felt \"content,\" what was contributing to that?Another possibility is to try to be mindful of things that you do every day. For example, rather than eating a turkey sandwich as fast as possible on your lunch break, consider actually tasting it and enjoying it. Also consider giving yourself praise for doing something well. For example, when you finish your paperwork, take a moment to notice that and maybe reward yourself by checking your e-mail, reading five pages of a book, or something else that can be done quickly before you get back to your next task."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I upset or down every day even when nothing is going on?", "questionText": "How can I get to a place where I can be content from day to day?", "answerText": "It's important to take a look inside and see what's going on with you to cause you to have these feelings. Please contact us in whatever way is most comfortable for you and we can get you set up with someone who will help you figure out this space in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with depression stemming from chronic pain?", "questionText": "I have a severe back problem. I've had 3 major and several minor operations, but I'm still in constant pain. How can I deal with the depression from this chronic pain?", "answerText": "Chronic pain at the back likely results from a few areas:L4-L5 kidney zone, most likely (lower back);Bone spurs, fused discs, and slipped discs, caused by connective tissue weakness, and calcium deposits used to neutralize highly acidic areas...The 'depression' will evaporate when the chronic pain is drained out, through natural means;Pharmaceutical means will simply extend the pain and cause it to deepen over time, not solving the problem;Remember, medical doctors suppress, natural doctors cure..."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with depression stemming from chronic pain?", "questionText": "I have a severe back problem. I've had 3 major and several minor operations, but I'm still in constant pain. How can I deal with the depression from this chronic pain?", "answerText": "Maybe if you started to address questions of an inner nature of what changed in your life as a result of the back problem.To know your limitations and the areas of your life which they affect, will greatly contribute to stronger self-knowledge within you.Greater awareness and sense of direction very often decreases depression."}, {"questionTitle": "Why does it feel as if self-harm is an addiction?", "questionText": "I self-harm, and I stop for awhile. Then when I see something sad or depressing, I automatically want to self-harm.", "answerText": "In a way, self-harm can present somewhat like an addiction. According to new research within the field of neuroscience there is a valid explanation for this. When a person cuts or uses other forms of self harm, the body produces endorphins to help make a person feel better. If a person was dealing with depression or high anxiety, that might be misinterpreted by the brain as a way to help oneself feel better and a new neural network or map might form (addiction) that would utilize this new behavior. Another way to look at it would be thru a behavioral lens, a positive reward for a behavior, even though the behavior has other long term negative consequences. Consider working with someone who can both have you work on and address those items that trigger your behavior and the root causes, in this case sadness or depression, and second find someone who can help give you alternatives that take into account the neurological requirement by replacing the behavior with another behavior (such as snapping a rubber band on the wrist) and working to extinguish the unwanted behavior. Someone who is trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy and/or Interpersonal Neurobiology would most likely have the skills and means available to address this with you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why does it feel as if self-harm is an addiction?", "questionText": "I self-harm, and I stop for awhile. Then when I see something sad or depressing, I automatically want to self-harm.", "answerText": "Self-harm has a way of becoming a go-to method of coping. When we get stuck using self-harm as a way to deal and manage emotions, when something serious happens it totally makes sense that that will be one the first things to go through the mind. It is its own kind of addiction. There is a therapy, DBT or, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which focusing on giving you new tools to get through hard times, understand and manage your emotions, to stay present and to deal with relationships. This one of the most effective interventions there is for self-harm. If you are interested in DBT, reach a local therapist in your area and ask if they do DBT or can recommend you to a DBT program. This can help immensely. Self-harm recovery is totally possible, but it is definitely hard work!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I crave depression?", "questionText": "It's not entirely true to say I enjoy being sad, but I always find a way to feel that way. I listen to sad music, read tragic stories, and, in a twisted way, like how bad it makes me feel. I focus on negative aspects of my life even if they aren't legitimate or I just make it seem negative.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are noticing that you are drawn towards sad and negative content and it's hard to understand why. This may sound counter-intuitive, but sometimes we do things that on the surface may look problematic (or even cause us some real problems) because it serves us in some unseen way. A simple example would be somebody who is addicted to a substance; their addiction may be causing serious problems in their life, and they may even know it, but the addiction serves them by helping them to avoid painful feelings that they anticipate having if they quit using. Now I am not saying that what you describe is an addiction, it is just a really illustrative example of the unseen benefit.One thing I would be wondering about is what is the unseen benefit of seeking out sad and negative content? I'd also be wondering what your relationship is to other feelings. These are things you may benefit from exploring with a competent therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I crave depression?", "questionText": "It's not entirely true to say I enjoy being sad, but I always find a way to feel that way. I listen to sad music, read tragic stories, and, in a twisted way, like how bad it makes me feel. I focus on negative aspects of my life even if they aren't legitimate or I just make it seem negative.", "answerText": "I applaud your courage in asking this question to gain some deeper insight into what is happening in your life. This is one of the most common things that I personally have seen in the population of individuals who suffer from depression. It is often that I notice clients focusing on the negative to the complete dismissal of the positive when they are dealing with depression. It is inspiring that you have noticed this in yourself because many clients are not aware that this is a pattern for them, or are not yet willing to face that depression has become a pattern they cling to.Depression, if dealt with for extended periods of time, can become a way of life, an identity of sorts, that is very difficult to part from. While you desperately desire happiness, who would you be without the depression? Sometimes it is scarier to journey into the unknown (in this case, happiness), than it is to stay in the known, and the often times comfortable space of your depression. Human beings, for the most part, fear and stray away from change in general, especially a change that is so impactful. Allowing yourself to confront the possibility of change as positive with the support of a professional counselor is often extremely helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find myself again?", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "If you are a people-pleaser type or a natural caretaker, you can slowly \"lose yourself\" over time if you are always tending to the needs of others and neglecting yourself. If this sounds like a familiar pattern for you, this may have happened without you even realizing it if you were raised in a family where you had to pick up the slack alot. Maybe your parents were addicts or they might have even just worked all the time and you learned to \"take care of everything\" because that is what you had to do to help the family run smoothly.Over time, a person who grows up in this type of environment learns that you put the needs of others before your own. You might also be stuck in these types of patterns in intimate relationships as well; if you completely give yourself over to your significant other and you don't create a life for yourself with your own interests and supportive friends, you are at risk of losing what is unique and amazing about you. If you grew up in a family where you learned this role out of survival or because it was needed to take care of your family, it's easy to re-create this in adult relationships.In both scenarios, if there is no awareness that this \"self sacrifice at the expense of others\" is going on, your identity is shaped around being a caretaker/enabler/people-pleaser and down the road it can lead to depression, low self esteem, and a confused sense of self. Basically, you spend so much time helping other people that you don't make time for yourself or create a life of fulfillment. Before you realize it, you have been living a life for others instead of yourself and you have no idea who YOU are. Supporting loved ones and friends is important and certainly admirable, but if you are always that person that rescues, those that rely on you begin to take advantage of you and they will suck you dry if you let them. In conclusion, learning to set boundaries with those in your life that are too needy becomes a really important part of the process when you begin to recognize that you are unhappy and unfulfilled in life. It sounds like you may be at that crossroads right now. Take one small step at at a time. Identify the worst offenders in your life that suck time and energy, and limit your contact and/or set some strong boundaries with those people so you can refocus and do some soul-searching. Meanwhile, engage in pleasurable activities with people you enjoy being with, get yourself outside in the fresh air, get some good sleep, and eat some nourishing food!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find myself again?", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "Give yourself credit for what you already know.For instance, you do know that you're unsure about your life direction.Take off any pressure on yourself to decide an answer in a certain amount of time. Inner reflection work takes time and has its own course. Trust that answers will show once you've done the work to understand yourself and circumstance, and the relationships in your life.From what you describe, your interest is in a broad scope life change.One direction is to start with only one specific part of your life you would like to change. By examining one area in detail you will gain self-trust and confidence in handling your life. And, you will have clarity as to which area to change first."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find myself again?", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "Thank you for sharing! It can be very disorienting not to know what you want and where you are headed. Sometimes we are so focused on something we haven't achieved yet or on comparing ourselves to others that we lose touch with what we actually want and need. At times like this, it's important to go back to basics.Try out this simple exercise,take a few minutes to write down all your present responsibilities. For example: make meals, complete homework...etc. Then in the column next to it, write down the things that you do for yourself to recharge yourself and to enjoy your time.Is your list of responsibilities way longer than your list of stuff you do for yourself? It is easy to get lost in the sea of responsibilities and disconnect from what you want and need. To fix that, write another list of things that you enjoyed doing in the past for yourself and start incorporating them into your schedule on a regular basis. This will help you re-connect with yourself, and bring focus and clarity to your life."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find myself again?", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "Check this blog out: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listHope you find a few nuggets of helpfulness in this."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find myself again?", "questionText": "I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.", "answerText": "It sounds as if you would benefit from talking with a local mental health professionals so you can discuss some details.Having said that, I wonder if you could consider how you would define yourself to someone who doesn't know you. For example, honest, adaptable, fun-loving, dependable, compassionate, open-minded, dedicated, etc. If you're looking for a list of adjectives, try these:https://www.englishclub.com/vocabulary/adjectives-personality-positive.htm . There is a list of negative ones here too. If you're going to use those, try to use three positive ones for each of the negative ones. You could also try asking yourself what you love about yourself and/or what others love about you. Sometimes it's easier to consider what others see as our positive points and if this is difficult for you, try asking someone who you trust to help you with the list.The idea here is to look at your relationship with yourself. I don't mean this in a way that you would be talking to yourself and receiving answers, but rather looking at yourself in a way that you deserve the same kind of loving and compassion that you give to others or want others to have.I'm also curious as to whether you are eating and sleeping okay, as these things can really affect your focus and many other changes, such as differences in your emotions. Also, you saying that you are struggling to put things into perspective leads me to believe that you are going through some things right now that are not typical for you, if so, consider from whom you have support and the ability to talk about what you are going through.Consider Metta meditation here to help give yourself loving kindness:http://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop being depressed?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "First discover what the reason is for feeling depressed.Do you feel lost, lonely, uncertain about career or education or partner.Identify what bothers you since knowing what a problem definition is, helps to know how to solve it.Be patient with yourself to discover answers.If you've been emotionally hurt or neglected in your personal history then maybe some situations in your current life remind you of these early hurts.Be gentle, loving and kind to yourself as you listen to what hurts, bothers or frustrates you. Very often new roads appear once the person accepts fully the fact of their own hurt and insecurity."}, {"questionTitle": "Is wishing I wasn't born a sign of something deeper?", "questionText": "I'm not suicidal and wouldn't take my own life, but sometimes, I've wished for an accident to occur and take it. I feel like I just shouldn't be here and wish I wouldn't have been born so I didn't have to go through life. For me, it's a chore, but I don't know if that's normal or a sign of something.", "answerText": "Sounds like a sign of great unhappiness, or sadness, or insecurity.The real way you'll find out what this feeling is about is to ask yourself your own question. Inside you are the only one who will feel when you discover the true answer to your question.Everyone feels some amount of discontent in their lives once in a while. Its normal to not feel entirely happy all the time.Try to accept your unhappiness as motivation to learn more about who you are, what you like, whom you like.Study yourself bc this way you increase the chance to find a road which feels right and happy."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to take a parent role and feel so hurt and broken as a teenager?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager. My dad has been jail for the last five years. It's tough, but my mom really tries to give a normal life to my two sisters, my brother, and I. I feel like I took upon a parent role when I'm the second youngest, and I'm not stable. My mother and sisters say I'm overdramatic. Im just so hurt, and I keep breaking down.", "answerText": "Each person handles themselves differently in any situation.Since you are willing to speak about how you feel, keep looking for blogs and forums on whatever topics you feel most describe your current circumstance.Your mother and sister, even though they are family seem to prefer the opposite method to yours.Find your own path of supportive other people and possibly a therapist.This way youll have understanding and validation which your mom and sister dont want to give you right now."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to take a parent role and feel so hurt and broken as a teenager?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager. My dad has been jail for the last five years. It's tough, but my mom really tries to give a normal life to my two sisters, my brother, and I. I feel like I took upon a parent role when I'm the second youngest, and I'm not stable. My mother and sisters say I'm overdramatic. Im just so hurt, and I keep breaking down.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have a lot of weight on your shoulders.I'm not sure what you mean when you say you're not stable and you are breaking down. If you are crying because you're sad, that is okay. If you are crying a lot or having trouble eating or sleeping, that's different than just crying sometimes because you are sad. It may be helpful to talk with a local mental health professional in your area. They can help you to figure out what you could do differently to have the role in your family that you would like while also supporting yourself and what you want."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there anything I can do about my depression and anxiety?", "questionText": "I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", "answerText": "Thank you for asking this important question. I find that there are three steps to getting ready for treatment.Step one is expressing interest in wanting to receiving treatment for the outcome of positive behavioral change. Congratulations you did the first step! You are showing your readiness to start counseling by asking this question.Now the second step is to find a counselor who specializes in treating clients with Anxiety and Depression. The therapeutic orientations I have found to be helpful in treating clients with Anxiety and Depression are a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Mindfulness, and Solution Focused Brief Therapy. Receiving meditation for your symptoms if part of the treatment, and the other part is receiving counseling to increase your resilience for future events.Research has found that medication and psychotherapy treatments together shows the most effective outcome for Depression. The third step is to increase your positive self-talk to motivate yourself to attend treatment. As counselors, we are aware of the anxieties and fears that are associated with talking to a new professional for the first time. However, remind yourself that you are doing this to improve your well being. I hope this was helpful, and good luck with your treatment journey."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there anything I can do about my depression and anxiety?", "questionText": "I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", "answerText": "Certainly counselling can help. however, there is a caveat, namely, you will need the right counsellor with the right approach. This leads to two questions: 1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor, and 2) What is the right approach?1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor? The right counsellor will almost certainly have a lot of experience. He or she will have done a lot personal work and have an ongoing practice of inner work both on their own and with the support of an experienced therapist. This person will be viewing you as a human being with challenges, not as a diagnostic category. He or she will be willing to work with you over an extended period of time and have experience doing such work. Further they will be well versed in approaches that are responsive to you in the moment and overall. The in-depth work will be collaborativel designed in an ongoing way that is responsive to you, the moment, your overall life experience, and their in-the-moment experience. It goes without saying that you will subjectively evaluate the felt sense of connection with this person and the feeling that they are invested in their work with you, value you as a human being, and value the connection. As well, it is crucial that you feel this connection and that your therapist 'gets you.' 2) What is the right approach? As Carl Jung stated, \"When the doctor sits down with the patient he (or she) must drop all theories and learn the theory of this person.\" The approach must include a bond between you and your therapist that is in a continuous process of development, attention to pre-verbal imprinting, development of awareness ability, ongoing development of the ability to attend to and stay with inner experience, development of a process orientation, attention to egoic structures that were seeded from the earliest days in the service of perceptions of threats to needs being met, identification of current egoic states and work with these inner selves and their relationship with each other to facilitate movement from developmental points of arrest, increased ability to access and contain non-ordinary states of consciousness, attending to what is, and working with this in the service of moving towards optimal human development.depression is generally experienced as the system shutting down. anxiety is a signal that something is wrong. anxiety is not the problem. it is a sign that there is a problem. the core of these issues is a lack of inner security that is the outcome of insufficient bonding. the work of psychotherapy is to establish an environment and relationship that will facilitate work with the bonding ruptures and re-initiation of the developmental process that stopped at an early stage."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there anything I can do about my depression and anxiety?", "questionText": "I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", "answerText": "My initial response: consider a more comprehensive MH assessment to determine other factors. A medical evaluation is warranted to rule out poor health issues. Blood work is helpful. Review what hadn't helped."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there anything I can do about my depression and anxiety?", "questionText": "I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", "answerText": "From whom do you get anti-depressants?This person should be talking with you to know whether the pills are helping or not.Trust your own instinct that the pills aren't helping you.Pills work differently for everyone and not all people feel better from them.It is also possible the particular pills have lost their effectiveness because after around six to eight months, this usually happens.Try to understand what is depressing you. This is slow work since you may have many theories.Just by addressing your own emotional needs and life structure in a caring and respectful way, may improve your mood so that you'll feel less depressed."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my friend have depression?", "questionText": "I am really worried about one of my friends because I think he has major depression. He disagrees with me on that. He is shut off when it comes to talking to people and telling them how he really feels. He told me he feels empty inside and the only emotions he feels are anger and sadness. I suggested to him to get help and talk to his mom about it but he refuses.", "answerText": "First of all, I can tell that you really care about your friend and I think it's great that you are reaching out with your concern. It's hard to determine whether your friend would meet the criteria for an official diagnosis of depression without working with him, however, whether he does or not, therapy may be beneficial for him in working through these difficult feelings and relational challenges. Unfortunately, you can't make your friend get help. He will ultimately need to make that decision for himself, however, you can talk to him about your concerns and your hopes that he will reach out for help."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with depression?", "questionText": "After my aunt passed away, I feel like I'm a different person. I don't talk to my friends really.", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "I completely lost myselfhow can I find myself again?", "questionText": "I've become so jaded that I can't control my thoughts. I cannot focus on anything and been having anxiety attacks.", "answerText": "Maybe your thoughts require your attention and the best course would be to pay attention and follow them!If you're in an especially stressful or uncertain time in your life, then the best way through is to understand the tension you feel.It keeps trying to get you to know whats going on deep within you.Anxiety is a sign of stress and weariness. Your thoughts are a chance to simply rest and know what they would like you to know.Then, when that process is finished your anxiety will no longer be necessary and will most likely leave you alone."}, {"questionTitle": "I completely lost myselfhow can I find myself again?", "questionText": "I've become so jaded that I can't control my thoughts. I cannot focus on anything and been having anxiety attacks.", "answerText": "I imagine that it's pretty disconcerting to feel as though you lost yourself.When you said that you are jaded, I'm not sure whether you mean that you are jaded toward someone, something, life in general, or some combination thereof.One of the difficult things about anxiety is that anxiety can lead to more anxiety because of being concerned about having another panic attack. Consider remembering that panic attacks usually only last a few minutes and the reason they don't go away right away is because of the way your brain releases chemicals because some part of your brain is reacting as if you are in danger in some way.As far as finding yourself, you may consider looking at what parts of each day you can control as a way to stay centered. You could also focus on something that makes you feel happy and/or comfortable.You may also consider the list of values here to give yourself an idea of what is most important to you, what it is that you are living by now, and what values you would prefer to live by.http://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values-clarificationIf this proves to be difficult, consider seeing a local therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "I've been feeling sadness", "questionText": "When I get around a particular person or when I go home, I'm just sad or irritated. The feeling comes and goes all day every day. I don't know what wrong. I'm not sure if I'm just making up symptoms and problems in my head or if there is something actually wrong.", "answerText": "Feelings are real, is very unlikely that you are making them up since they are a response to the thoughts in your mind and your daily experiences and interactions. Often we assume that feeling sadness is bad and that we should only feel happiness and joy; but all feelings have a purpose: joy, sadness, anger, frustration, excitement, anxiety, among others. Is not healthy to experience the same feeling for a long time, so we should learn to identify what causes them and how to process them so you can navigate through life experiences with more ease. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing services in West Houston. You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Me he estado sintiendo tristeCuando salgo con una persona en particular o cuando llego a casa, estoy triste o irritado. El sentimiento viene y va todo el da. No s qu est mal. No estoy seguro si estoy inventando los sntomas y problemas en mi cabeza o si algo realmente est mal. Los sentimientos son muy reales, y es muy poco probable que los ests inventando, por que los sentimientos son una respuesta tanto a los pensamientos que hay en nuestra cabeza, y, a las situaciones que nos ocurren da a da. Muchas veces pensamos que sentirnos triste est mal, y que solo debemos sentirnos alegres, pero todas las emociones tienen un propsito y razn de ser, tanto la alegra, como la tristeza, el coraje, la frustracin, la excitacin o el desespero, entre otros. No es bueno quedarnos estancados una emocin. As que es importante aprender a identificar que causa nuestros sentimientos, como procesarlos para poder superar nuestras emociones y movernos de una experiencia a otra con ms tranquilidad. Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia. Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "I have long spurts of depression, anxiety, and need change constantlywhy?", "questionText": "I'm depressed often, and my mind goes a million miles a minute. Every once in a while, things are okay for a few days. After a bit, I start noticing that I am picking at my skin profusely. After roughly a week, the anxiety is back and still picking. Sometimes I find myself causing fights to have change.", "answerText": "One way to know yourself a little better and why the dynamics you describe take place, is to understand the particular dynamics of your life context.Look at your major areas of where you spend your time, whether you are happy with the people with whom you socialize, how you feel toward family members and how they seem to feel toward you.If you examine your relationships and life this way then you may start to notice areas where you have some control or at least a say in how your life is going.If you are socializing among people whom you don't like, have a job you don't like and your family mistreats you and you mistreats them, for example, then anxiety and depression are an understandable natural result.If you make improvements in your life and relationships, even tiny improvements and even the effort and intention to improve, you may find your anxiety and depression dissipating.People usually feel their worst when they feel lack of control in their life.Look for ways you can regain and/or strengthen yours."}, {"questionTitle": "I have long spurts of depression, anxiety, and need change constantlywhy?", "questionText": "I'm depressed often, and my mind goes a million miles a minute. Every once in a while, things are okay for a few days. After a bit, I start noticing that I am picking at my skin profusely. After roughly a week, the anxiety is back and still picking. Sometimes I find myself causing fights to have change.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that you are struggling. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some of my colleagues will add something else. Depression and anxiety can both be chronic conditions, as you have experienced. This means that they may always require treatment in order to have some kind of relief from them. Treatment could mean medication or some kind of counseling. Some people may take medication for the rest of their lives. Some people may go to counseling at times when the depression and anxiety worsens. As you mentioned, sometimes the symptoms improve for a little while, but they can also come back. When they do, it is important to talk to your medical provider if you are getting medication, and/or to go back to your counselor and talk to them about the symptoms that have returned. Skin picking and some other behaviors are not uncommon for people who are experiencing something like anxiety. Many people report that they do this when they feel anxious, and some say it calms them down. It is not really a surprise that you are constantly trying to change things and even starting fights to do so. These are ways to try to avoid, escape and distract yourself from the feelings of anxiety and depression. That is a very normal thing to do. Nobody likes these feelings, and so distraction is something we naturally try in order to get rid of them. The problem is that things like distraction and escape do not work as a long-term solution. In fact, they usually make things worse for many different reasons. Depression and anxiety can be treated, but it is likely something you will need some help with. I would recommend finding a counselor who has experience with anxiety and depression. Medication can be helpful, but I still recommend counseling. The reason for this is that the medication can help with symptoms, while the counseling can address the symptoms and provide you with very helpful skills. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I was depressed?", "questionText": "I'm constantly in a bad mood and I have no energy. Is that depression?", "answerText": "Depression has many different signs and symptoms and looks different for every person. Often times people think depression is more about feeling \"sad,\" but depression can, in fact, express itself through irritability (or bad mood as you say) and lack of energy.According to the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), depression includes the following symptoms:-Depressed mood-Irritable mood-Decreased interest or pleasure in activities you usually participate in or enjoy-Significant weight change or change in appetite-Change in sleep (insomnia or hypersomnia)-Psychomotor aggitation or retardation-Fatigue or loss in energy-Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt-Diminished ability to concentrate or indecisiveness-Thoughts of suicide or planThe great news is that there are many ways to improve depressive symptoms. If you are up for it, perhaps the best place to start is by seeing a physician or a therapist who can help determine how severe the depression is and can suggest methods of addressing the depression that fit your lifestyle, values, and capabilities. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is my moodiness just a phase or do I need help?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I I go through periods of moodiness. I have extreme feelings (but I bury them), and then I feel nothing - just empty and emotionless. I have trust issues, low self esteem,ban extreme fear of abandonment, and I constantly reevaluate my relationships. I also don't know who I am as a person. I'm not happy overall, but I'm not suicidal. Can I just feel happy?", "answerText": "Sometimes the way to feel happy is to address all the questions you just described.Teenage years are the first time any of us starts to feel and recognize our uniqueness. The fact that you recognize your great range of feelings, as uncomfortable as they may sometimes be, is healthy.Also healthy is that you are asking for opinions of therapists who would be familiar with when a range of feelings shows an out of the ordinary problem.One path to take is to reflect on the topics you wrote here and especially to ask yourself your reasons for how the problem started and what it would take for it to resolve.Do you have trust issues because someone broke your trust?You're entitled to a repair of your trust by the other person. Even if the person never offers this to you, to know you deserve to be restored to whole, may help you feel more secure.The same is true with the other topics, abandonment and relationships generally.The more you continue to value your unique understanding, expectations, and standards, the more likely you'll create relationships which do not have these qualities, and you will restore your sense of hope that other people may treat you in a fair and kind way."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with my depression?", "questionText": "I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?", "answerText": "Love yourself more and treat yourself kindly, with empathy and compassion.Usually when people feel depressed they also feel lonely and isolated. Since at this time you wouldn't want to tell anyone about the way you feel, which includes the possibility that a few of the ones whom you tell would offer you emotional support, give this to yourself.Also consider to make a goal of eventually telling someone whom you are reasonably sure would understand and empathize, about your depression.This will help alleviate the sense of shame, unworthiness and pervasive guilt which often comes along with depression.Sending you good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with my depression?", "questionText": "I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?", "answerText": "It can be really tough to tell someone - anyone - that you're feeling depressed. But finding that supportive person that you can share with is a big part of the battle with depression. Depression thrives on being secret, it seems to grow the more we isolate ourselves and hide it away so I'm with Laura Cassidy, when she suggests finding that professional support person so you can start fighting back against your depression. If that feels like too big a step right now, maybe check out a book or two... I'm a big fan of a book called 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns if you want some practical thoughts on tackling depression and on 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach if you prefer something a little more spiritual."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with my depression?", "questionText": "I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?", "answerText": "Hello,It is completely understandable that you would not want people to know about your depression. I would first like commend you for realizing that you need to help with your depression by reaching out here. That is a great start, and you've taken the very first courageous step.Depression can feel debilitating and overwhelming. Depression is also a very personal thing and no one has know but you and the therapist. The best way to begin learningand dealing is to pick up the phone and call a therapist or email a therapist and schedule a session.The great news is that with professional help you can feel better and you will learn how deal with and manage the depression. There are many ways to help with depression that a therapist can teach you and help guide. You do not have do this alone. Asking for help and going to therapy is a strength! This can be done in a private and confidential setting.Depression should be treated by a therapist, in a safe, confidential office setting. The therapist can then discuss your depression with you in more detail to figure out the underlying cause, how long you've been feeling this way and identify what brings on these feelings.There is hope and depression can be treated with great success, you CAN feel good again. Depression can be managed appropriately by seeing a licensed therapist. Often times therapy will offer relief because you would have someone there simply to listen to you, validate your feelings and listen to your story. The therapist will be able to offer professional insight and perspective on the situation and help you think outside the box.The therapist can do many things with you, provide insight and offer many ideas to help you learn new coping skills and ideas of things you enjoy, encouraging you to re engage in hobbies you once enjoyed or even discover new things you may enjoy. There are creative ways to learn to cope too!Your therapist will also be there to support you, without judgement, at your pace, through the entire process. But the first step is finding a therapist and beginning to identify the cause your depression. Healing is possible and getting your happiness back is also possible.Feel free contact me for additional help or informationLaura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I make myself happy without someone who made me happy?", "questionText": "How do I make myself happy without the people who made me happy? Now that theyre gone, I feel sad. Its been two months now but I seem to be unable to stay okay and independent.", "answerText": "Hello. So, someone made you happy but is no longer around? I am sure that feels devastating. As a counselor I usually have to ponder this kind of thought because it lends itself to suggesting that happiness comes from the external, rather than the internal side of a person's life. Happiness is formed within ourselves. All the external trappings of happiness are usually quite fleeting, and temporary. Even relationships fo not last forever. If we get to a place where we are reliant and dependent on those around us to create happiness in our lives, then we lose the opportunities for us to do it ourselves. We are entirely capable of finding ways to be happy. Sometimes this entails working out issues that are holding us back from reaching a place of peace, or resolution to a specific problem.What I would offer to you, is to find ways in which you can develop happiness for yourself. What do you like about your life as it is right now? What can you do to create change in your life to increase your happiness? These kinds of questions can be valuable to you as you seek out ways to make happiness an internal rather than an external event. Mourning the loss of a social connection (in whatever way that occurred), is part of the grieving process, but it is not permanent. It is a path to healing and moving forward. From this, you can seek out new sources of happiness. I encourage you to remember that happiness is independent of the external experience you have in the world. Happiness is an expression of the internal feelings, so that will be the source or the font of positive emotion from which you really draw. If you are lacking in happiness, then it becomes important to examine why that is, and what you can do about it to promote self-care. Seeking out a professional counselor can also be a good option as you move through the grief/loss process and examine the reasons happiness is not in greater supply.I wish you happiness for every day of your life.Best wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I make myself happy without someone who made me happy?", "questionText": "How do I make myself happy without the people who made me happy? Now that theyre gone, I feel sad. Its been two months now but I seem to be unable to stay okay and independent.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been feeling pretty down, since the loss of a relationship, and you're wondering how to be happy by yourself. Intimacy is a very natural human desire and at the same time learning to enjoy ourselves, even when we are alone, can strengthen our ability to lead a satisfying life in and out of relationship. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into how you show up in your relationships with yourself and others and discover more fulfilling ways to do so."}, {"questionTitle": "Is this depression?", "questionText": "I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.", "answerText": "It is hard to make a definite diagnosis however I would say that it could be and or a combination of depression, stress, PTSD, etc. More background information would have to be needed. One thing I would say is that you really need to seek guidance from a professional to work through these symptoms. If what you described as a caged animal is released, all the crying, sadness, and controllable emotions will come out. That would not be good when they do. Get help before they do.."}, {"questionTitle": "Is this depression?", "questionText": "I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.", "answerText": "As far as the formal diagnosis of depression goes, it would be hard to determine without more information. It sounds like you are noticing that there is a significant difference between how you are feeling on the inside and how you express yourself outwardly. Part of you is quite distressed and yet it remains invisible to the outside world, almost as if it is trapped inside of your body. Many people who are depressed experience such things as intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, difficulty expressing themselves, and bodily tension (caged animal?). In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what you are going through, the nature of the disconnect between you inner feelings and outer expression, and eventually gain relief from the distress as well as a greater sense of connection with yourself and personal freedom."}, {"questionTitle": "Is this depression?", "questionText": "I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are trying to find a label to help you to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling. Sometimes there are no labels for how we feel. Sometimes there is no name for the emotions that we are experiencing. Regardless, you do not have to continue to feel this way, no matter what you call it. If you are seeking to experience an internal calmness such as your external calmness, you may want to try some mindfulness practices or meditation. However, being able to get at the root cause of what you are feeling may be what you need to help you release this feeling for the long term. I recommend seeking support for this to allow this internal screaming to get some air and begin to breathe."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with parental figures who have hurt me?", "questionText": "People who are parental figures in my life have, in the past, hurt me, and some continue to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for my husband or the life he provides me. I have had jobs, but I am going through a lot of my past garbage and trying to figure out when it all went wrong. Any time I bring these things up, I am expected to be over the issue. These are people that you can't just cut out, but I have never received apologies for so much of my pain. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am anymore.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been thinking about how past hurts have influenced you, and when you try to talk about these hurts with people in your life, you are feeling invalidated. It also sounds like current conflicts are continuing to leave you feeling hurt and devalued. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get some clarity about your past, who you are, and what kinds of boundaries you want in your relationships, so that you can lead a life that is more satisfying to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with parental figures who have hurt me?", "questionText": "People who are parental figures in my life have, in the past, hurt me, and some continue to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for my husband or the life he provides me. I have had jobs, but I am going through a lot of my past garbage and trying to figure out when it all went wrong. Any time I bring these things up, I am expected to be over the issue. These are people that you can't just cut out, but I have never received apologies for so much of my pain. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am anymore.", "answerText": "Hello. Adults who come from abusive home histories (physical, emotional, or even psychological), may take a long time to heal from that abuse. We carry our past with us everywhere we go, and it is up to us to find resolutions to past hurts. This is often easier said than done, but it is possible. From the perspective of those with whom you have shared your concerns, it might be assumed that based on where you are in life and who you are now, that you have already worked through any issues from your younger years. Some of our deepest scars in life are indeed invisible and suppressed. We have to get to the place where we can take care of the inner child that is still hurting, by recognizing that those who hurt us - however they did, might have had their own challenges which prevented them from functioning and behaving in ways we might have deeply needed.Those who have directly hurt you, may not be capable of acknowledging and understanding how you were affected by their actions - even in the worst of cases. They themselves may be doing what they can, either out of shame or heartbreak for their own actions, to work on forgetting how they behaved toward you all those years before. How are they behaving toward you now? Can you find it in your heart to forgive those who have hurt you? Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves, and isn't dependent on an apology from an offender. By forgiving (even in the absence of any apology), we are releasing the weight of the burden we are carrying that reflects the offense we feel was committed against us. Sometimes therapy can be helpful in this process. Talking with someone who can be non-judgmental and reflects an empathetic position toward you might be what you need right now. Seeking out a therapist to help you work through these negatives feelings and thoughts is much easier, than trying to go it alone. I would encourage you to reach out and find someone who resonates with you on that journey, so that you can begin a path toward healing.Warm regards,Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "My parents are getting a divorce and I feel depressed", "questionText": "I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.", "answerText": "It sounds like a tough time and it's normal to feel down when your family is going through a divorce or other hardship. There's a difference between feelings like sadness, discouragement, grief, loneliness and depression, though. Sadness is sadness and sometimes we have to go through a grieving or other process, that is a normal reaction to events in our lives. Depression, on the other hand, is more about being stuck.Lulling yourself with self-care sounds like a healthy response and a way to give yourself support. So as to the uncomfortable but healthy part of your feelings, do the best you can to put names to it and share with a trusted other person. You will find comfort.The part of your situation that's depression -- feeling stuck, not able to get out of bad, concentrate, changes in sleeping and eating, loss of enjoyment in living, poor hygiene, feelings of hopelessness, that's different. First step, identify your own symptoms of depression. If you have any thoughts of hurting yourself, tell someone. If you're not sure, you can try 800-lifenet or other support line to get feedback.First aid for depression includes: daily care and feeding, good sleeping and eating, lots of exercise--even when you don't feel like it--healthy socializing, and focusing on talking to yourself in a positive way. If you aren't able to move yourself out of your depression, work with a professional to make short-term goals and get some support. You may also talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about trying an anti-depressant to give you a little lift while you go through a rough patch.Best wishes,Karen"}, {"questionTitle": "My parents are getting a divorce and I feel depressed", "questionText": "I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.", "answerText": "Consider yourself quite normal for feeling overwhelmed and depressed about your parents divorce. This is the most natural way to feel at this time.Depending on how old you are, and whether you live under their roof, are dependent on their support, and are either part of the decision or not, of with whom and where you will live, start considering these points.How did you find out about the upcoming divorce?Are either of your parents reluctant to answer your questions or is it clear that neither of them want to talk about anything with you?Whatever your fears and questions about your own future, these are all real. It is necessary for you to know about your basic future.If you are living on your own and the main problem is your inner adjustment that your family structure is completely changing, then probably a good therapist would be a great help to you now, to clarify these tensions.Sending lots of good wishes for an easy resolution to your new path!"}, {"questionTitle": "I need help coping with depression as a result of stress", "questionText": "My depression has been reoccurring for a long time. It all started when I was being bullied in high school. In ninth grade, my principal told me I needed to stay home for a couple days to protect myself while she spoke to my classmates. I needed professional help for my stress because I was having crying spells from the stress of going to school and confronting my classmates. After that, I was fine for a couple of years. I entered my first year of college in a really tough program with high demands of expected work. I believe my depression re-booted from there with the stress. I began to cut myself because a friend of mine at the time told me how she used to do the same and it used to feel good for her. Obviously, that wasn't the right choice. I regret ever doing that, seeing as even though I'm not self-harming anymore, I always look back at that time whenever I feel very stressed. I have a big problem with handling problems in life. Whenever a problem arises, I get stressed and I feel hopeless, as if it's not going to get better. I get way too stressed from my problems, which leads to overreacting a lot (especially when talking to others), which then leads to depression. I have a hard time coping with stress because I know that if I could handle it easily then I wouldn't be sad all the time, and I would say and do the right thing instead of overreacting to my loved ones.", "answerText": "I couldn't help but notice that you did not specify your age, so I am unable to set the total chronological order and length that you have suffered in this way, but I want to start by commending you on seeking out additional coping techniques on your own. Unfortunately, it sounds like you were offered some that were more dangerous than helpful, but be proud that you were able to curb those before they caused too much harm.From what you have written, stress has always been a difficult thing for you to manage. Often, when I am working with those who offer the same concern, there is a degree of people pleasing that comes with that stress. When we are trying to make others happy, especially when we are unable to distinguish the proper \"rules for success\", it can make even the simplest of tasks overwhelming.Stress management is just that, management; of our own anxieties about the needs of others, about our skills and the ability to complete a task and having multiple requests at any given time. Each of these aspects requires a separate sets of \"tools\" to manage them accordingly. For example, assertiveness communication training could aid in communicating with your colleagues to manage their expectations of your deadlines and abilities, but it will not assist you with managing your own anxieties. Try to separate the different areas of the problem, in order to help yourself to find a solution and work on them in their own time.Perhaps keeping a journal will help you to better understand why you are so easily overwhelmed by stress and help you track some of your less-helpful responses to stress. For example, does a certain person's style of communication always make you feel undervalued and therefore push you to finish their requests first? Is there a certain time of the day where you start to fall off in productivity? Is that the time fo the day where you also tend to pile up your requirements?Try to ask yourself some of these harder questions and see where they lead you."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like my existence is meaningless", "questionText": "I've been depressed for quite a while. I've been trying to work through it, and my boyfriend has been my rock. He is honestly the only person I trust enough to talk to about anything, but he decided to break up with me because of my depression. I cannot afford to see a therapist or anything, so he saw no hope in staying with me. My insurance has a $5000 deductible, so Im screwed. I've had everything from suicidal thoughts to trying to quit my job. I have no one. My family doesn't care about me; they kicked me out when I turned 18 a few years ago. I had friends, but they have all moved on with their lives and have no time for me. My ex-boyfriend is trying to help but is making things worse because every time I see or hear him, I break down into tears. I found out that I will never be promoted now because of my depression.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been struggling with this for quite some time, using many of the same coping techniques that feel tried and true to no avail. Often, we fall back on coping techniques that would be helpful in other problems (stress, social anxieties, etc.) for our depression, but the truth is that depression requires it's own little tool kit.Depression is all-encompassing, and, based on what you've written, the symptoms are already affecting work and your personal life in myriad ways. The best route forward would be to seek out counselling, admittedly, but if your insurance deductible is too high, that can be very expensive. I would recommend contacting your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) if offered by your employer. If not, you can look into community centres for counselling options, check if your doctor will give you a referral or your local religious organization.If, however, you are motivated to get your depression under control, there are some great workbooks out there that you can use on your own or with your therapist (as long as your therapist is trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT), such as \"Mind Over Mood\"."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel worthless and tired?", "questionText": "I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. Everything I do is crappy. I want to cry all the time. I can't eat or sleep.", "answerText": "You are describing some of the most common symptoms of depression: low self esteem, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, sad mood, feelings of hopeless and feelings of worthlessness. A full assessment/evaluation with a mental health professional is warranted to understand if indeed you meet criteria for a Major Depressive Disorder i.e.., are delressed. One thing I often tell patients is that \"Do you think you are depressed?\" People often answer yes or no, but many individuals respond with a question: How would I know? To that I often explain that if I stopped watching movies or better, stopped enjoying watching movies that would be a clear indication for me that I am delressed. It would be a sign that I have lost pleasure or interest in the activity that I typically enjoy most . I'll ask you to think of one activity which you really really enjoy. It could be anything from reading, to being with friends, to skiing to watching tv. I would like to now ask you if you have stopped enjoying that activity or can't find the motivation to engage in it? This is another symptom of depression: loss in pleasurable activities. The good news is that there are many effective, available treatment if you are indeed in a depression or simply, you want to modify/decrease your depressive symptoms i.e., you want to stop feeling so tired and so worthless. Treatment includes one or more of the following: psychotherapy, medication, exercise. Any one or combination of both of these can help to improve your mood. The even better news is that feeling that you are doing something wrong can diminish with appropriate treatment over time. I hope you find this information helpful. The most important next step is to get evaluated by a mental health professional typically a psychologist or psychiatrist, and for both you and the professional to better understand your symptoms and your mood in the context of what is going on in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "How can you get back to my old self?", "questionText": "I no longer carry expressions on my face, and my emotions are decreasing the more I have fights with my fiance.", "answerText": "Sometimes repressing anger can lead to depression and block all kinds of other emotions too. I would wonder about your experience with anger and if you've ever been discouraged from expressing anger. I would also wonder if you feel like you have space to express yourself in your relationship or if you feel like you really aren't being heard. It's hard to feel cared for and connected to someone else when you don't feel accepted by them."}, {"questionTitle": "How can you get back to my old self?", "questionText": "I no longer carry expressions on my face, and my emotions are decreasing the more I have fights with my fiance.", "answerText": "Sometimes when we fight a lot with our partner, it becomes more uncomfortable to share emotions because it feels like it will lead to another flight or disagreement.You could try having a conversation when you're not fighting and starting it out by saying that you would like to discuss something important to you and see if your fiance is open to that.Something else is that you could have an agreement that if one of you is having a really strong emotions in a difficult conversation and would like to break from the conversation, you could agree (ahead of time) that you'll say that you would like a \"timeout\" and will come back to discuss the issue in a certain amount of time (usually about an hour) and then try to resume the discussion. The reason this can work is it can give you a chance to calm down and then still go back to the discussion rather than not talking about it again. This only works if both of you agree to that before something starts, though."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my parents that I'm depressed and need help?", "questionText": "I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (Im a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own.", "answerText": "Hi Georgia, There's a really good lesson here. People tell us things, and we tend to think that's the truth...but it's not! I'll do some translating for you...\"You're so ungrateful\" means \"I need you to be successful and happy in order for me to feel I'm a good parent\".\"You're too young to be depressed\" means \"I don't want to deal with your mental health issues right now. I'll pretend it's not happening so I don't have to face my fear and shame\".\"It's only going to get worse\" just means \"I don't know how to support you beyond scaring you into wanting to at least fake happiness for my sake\".Your parents are being unsupportive, not because you're not suffering, but because this is all they're capable of right now. They are not where you will find the support you need, so keep looking for it in other places. It's out there. If might be an aunt or a friend, or a friend's aunt. It might be a therapist or a bus driver or your family doctor. Keep looking for someone who will hear you. I hope you don't ever give up. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my parents that I'm depressed and need help?", "questionText": "I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (Im a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own.", "answerText": "Don't think that you can't afford the help you need on your own. There are several counselors that see people on a sliding scale that can be as low as $5 (based on your income). Find a center that is non-profit, they have great counselors as well.It sounds like you know what you are experiencing and know that you need someone to talk to, someonethat is willing to listen. Your parentsmay notunderstand what your are feeling right now and that is not totally abnormal.I would encourage you to seek help immediately so you can live the best live you can...which is not being depressed."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to \"respect his decision\" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling from your husband's decision.Keep in mind that if one partner does not want to be in a relationship and remains in it, then both people will be unhappy, dissatisfied and feel stressed.Imagine being in a relationship that you'd rather leave.All the negative feelings and resentment of being with someone whom you'd rather be without, would not leave very much energy to satisfy your partner.I'm glad you realize that you feel depressed.Depression is a mood that can change once you understand what is causing it.Depression is an area that very often therapists help their patients understand, and emotionally support and encourage them during the course this takes.For now, concentrate on decreasing the tension in your life. Your husband's indecision may very well be adding to your stress.Only he can make up his own mind.As hard as this may be, all you really can do is take care of how you feel so that you will feel better.From what you write, your husband is too unsure to offer you the love and care you'd like from him.Learning to love oneself is always worthwhile. At this stage in your marriage, now sounds like an ideal opportunity for you to teach yourself self-love."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "The fact that you mention that he is \"constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out,\" suggests that Discernment Counseling might be a really good fit for you both. Discernment counseling is a protocol for partners where one or both aren't certain they want to remain in the relationship. It's a brief (1-5 sessions) and intentionally focused on helping partners talk through (primarily individually) their reasons for and against staying in the relationship - as well as confront their own contributions that lead to the relationship crisis. It's aimed at helping the couple reach a clear understanding of which path they are going to take, not asking anyone to change just yet, so it can be a lot less intimidating and more to the point than couples therapy. You can look to find a local therapist providing this service here.That said, I agree with other respondents that if he is deciding to leave, seeking out support for yourself would be incredibly helpful.You may need to accept his decision, but you can certainly feel whatever emotions you have.You are allowed to feel exactly how you feel, and it's likely you'll be sad, or angry or hurt or disappointed or scared, or any combination of any/all of those.Having someone there who can validate those emotions and help you to process the grief that naturally comes with the end of a relationship can be a huge help in finding a place of healing and regaining a sense of self, a sense of hope."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "Although the marriage vows say in sickness and health, each person has the right to choose to stay or to leave, depending on their ability to cope and handle marriage challenges. I know is hard not to focus on him and his choice, but the more you put the focus of attention on him the least support you will receive. Focus on increasing self-care activities and building a support system around you. A therapist can help you to work with depression symptoms, build up your self-esteem, and developing coping skills. Also, invite him to a therapy session so he can clarify any questions and concerns regarding your diagnosis.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Mi esposo quiere divorciarse despus que fui diagnosticada con depresin severa.El dijo que intentara y nunca lo hizo. Has pasado nueve meses, y esto me est haciendo sentir peor. Hoy, el dijo que yo debo respetar la decisin que el tome. Es eso cierto? SE supone que respete la decisin de irse porque l no puede manejar lo que yo estoy pasando y me deja llorando y preocupada cada noche? El cambia de opinin todo el tiempo.A pesar de que los votos matrimoniales dicen en la salud y la enfermedad, cada persona tiene el derecho de decidir si se queda o se va, dependiendo en su habilidad de lidiar los retos del matrimonio. Entiendo que es difcil evitar enfocarte en l y sus decisiones, pero mientras ms enfocas tu atencin en el, ms vas a resentir la falta de apoyo. Enfcate en aumentar el cuidado personal y en desarrollar tu sistema de apoyo. Un terapista te puede ayudar a trabajar con los sntomas de depresin, mejorar tu autoestima y desarrollar mecanismos de defensa. Tambin puedes invitar a tu esposo a terapia para hablar sobre tu diagnosis y que aclare dudas sobre los sntomas y expectativas.Si te gustara recibir terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "When you are at your lowest, you have an opportunity to learn not just about the people around you and who you can depend on, but also, so much about yourself and why you have come to the place that you have. Take this time to do some introspection and learn yourself. It will give you the power to recover from whatever it is that has broken you. We'd love to talk with you. Please contact us sometime."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression", "questionText": "He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.", "answerText": "If your husband is changing his mind about whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship, I wonder if you both might benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in couples. In my training working with couples, partners come into counseling with one of three goals in mind: strengthening the relationship, getting a divorce, or making a decision. The decision could be whether or not stay together or it could be any number of other things, such as what state to live in.When you ask whether you have to respect whatever decision he makes, respecting his decision does not mean that you have to agree with what he decides. While you do not have the power to change his decision, he also does not have the power to change yours or how you feel about it. Having said that, if he is changing his mind a lot, chances are that the only decision he has made is that he needs to make a decision. Weighing the options of an important decision (any type of important decision) can be anxiety-producing its own right.The fact that you said you were diagnosed with severe depression leads me to believe that you are already seeing a therapist. Perhaps he or she can assist you in navigating through this. I'm wondering how you feel when you are around your husband. I'm not sure whether you are saying that having him there is a source of comfort for you or that it leads you to feel more sad. Maybe it is a little bit of both."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm a mess physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually", "questionText": "I'm in my late 50s. I never loved or have been loved. I need deeper help than is offered in my small town, but I cannot leave this town because of agoraphobia. I find myself losing hope more and more. My brain barely works anymore, and my memory so small, I forget in a moment. I serve no purpose. I'm incapable of work or anything of value, and I never have been. Im a complete waste of time and resources, and yet I keep trying. Why? Why does God insist that I continue to exist? Im not suicidal, just tired.", "answerText": "The fact that you're reaching out says that there is something in you that wants this to be different, and that drive might be something worth tapping into. \"Why do I keep trying?\" is a question that might give you some insight into what it is in you that keeps you going.A lot of therapists/counselors are now offering video therapy. As long as you're in the same state as a therapist offering this service, you could connect with someone helpful from the comfort of your home, even being in your small town. I'd recommend looking into this option, because you're asking a lot of really deep questions and might benefit from having those conversations with someone who can help you find your own answers."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband makes me uncomfortable about sex", "questionText": "Both of my parents committed suicide together, and I was the one who found them. I suffer from overwhelming depression, which is having an extreme effect on me and my husbands sex lives. He does not understand at all and is always making me feel so uncomfortable about sex.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for the experience you had with your parents. That is a grief and trauma that is certainly hard to imagine. Trauma and grief can affect us in many ways, and certainly deeply personal things like our sex lives. It may be difficult for others to make the connection, but it is there. So, for example, if stress and trauma make you feel like you are not interested in sex, a partner may take it as apersonal rejection rather thanresponse to stress, trauma or grief. If your husband will agree to it, couple's counseling may be your best bet. A counselor can help you with your communication and may be able to provide some education to your husband about trauma and how it can have an impact on intimacy. If he doesn't agree to go, it may be worth it to go on your own. You still have a lot you are dealing with yourself. And sometimes our personally therapy can influenceothers, so itmay be a good idea. It is important to remember that even though you are married you have the right to make decisions about your body, and that includes when you want to have sex with it. I hope this is helpful, and some of my colleagues may have ideas, also. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop thinking so negatively about myself?", "questionText": "I'm depressed and recently went through a break up. Its like every guy I like only wants me for sex. I think I'm ugly, and sometimes I just want to die. I have a son, and I got really big when I was pregnant. I have stretch marks on my stomach.", "answerText": "If you are currently feeling as if you want to die, please call 800-273-8255 and talk to someone.One way to work on not always thinking so negatively about yourself is to surround yourself with people who are more positive toward you. Do you have friends or family who are supportive?Can you find one part of you that you do not think is ugly?If your stretch marks are still bothering you, talk with a pharmacist or your primary care physician. Sometimes there are creams or lotions you can use to decrease stretch marks and they should be able to guide you in the right direction.You mentioned mostly physical things here. I wonder if you can find one small thing each day that is going right and build from there. Perhaps your son makes you smile?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop feeling so awful?", "questionText": "I'm not the same anymore, I don't know how to get back to who I am. I'm sad and confused and angry and tired. I don't sleep well.", "answerText": "Being tired can really affect almost everyone's ability to work through things that make them sad, confused, or angry, among other emotions. If you're having difficulty sleeping, try to get into a habit of going to bed and waking up close to the same time every day. Also consider only using the bed for sleeping so your brain knows that it's time to sleep when you are in bed. If you are not sleeping while you are in bed, consider getting up and reading a book or doing something to make you tired before going back to bed. Hopefully you'll be able to establish a pattern.Sometimes sadness and other emotions make sleeping very difficult as well. Try keeping track of your moods to see what is leading up to the changes.If you're still struggling, consider talking with a therapist about the specifics and/or maybe talking with your primary care physician. There are natural sleep remedies that he or she may recommend for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be happy as a stay-at-home mom?", "questionText": "Over the years, I have slowly lost everything: my jobs, my cars, my freedom, and my money. I am a stay-at-home mom who doesn't make any money, doesn't have a car, never goes out, and cleans all day long everyday.", "answerText": "There are an infinite number of possibilities here. You included a lot of things that you don't have. Is there anyway that you can have some freedom for a few hours a week, at least? A lot of times stay at home moms have groups when they meet at different public places where their children can play together and they can talk together. I don't know how old your child or children is/are, but perhaps going back to work is something that can happen in the future.I wonder if you may consider who you have in your life who can support you. I don't know whether you have a spouse or parents or siblings who could help out with some different things. I wonder if you could consider where you would like to go if you had two or three hours that you could do whatever you wanted? If you can sort out some possible answers to that, maybe you can work together with friends or family to make it happen.Also, again depending on the age of your children, some parents can do things while the children are sleeping, even if you are in the same room. For example, if your children are sleeping for about two hours, maybe 30 minutes of that could be reserved for you and the rest could be for cleaning or other things you need to do."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I balance school and life?", "questionText": "I don't have time to live or take care of myself at times. It's causing depression, stress, and anxiety. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "I'm not sure whether you are referring to having a lot of activities after school or that homework is overwhelming. Can you set aside a couple hours a week for yourself as a place to start?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move past my depression from being separated from the military?", "questionText": "Two years ago, I was separated from the military into my contract for medical issues. It has emotionally destroyed me. I now basically hate myself. It's embarrassing to be separated from the one place who takes anyone. My family has been in the armed forces, and it has always been my dream. I can't do this alone anymore, and now my family is even worried.", "answerText": "It sounds like being separated from the armed forces is a major loss for you. It takes some time to work through the emotions related to this and it often takes longer if you are trying to work through it without a lot of support.Is there a task that you were doing during your military service that can in some way transfer into civilian life? I don't know what else your life involves, whether you have close friends or a romantic partner, a career, activities that you like to do, and many other things. You may be able to use some of the things that you still have today as a way to start moving forward in a different direction.Your military service will always be a part of you. Thank you for your service."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my depression?", "questionText": "I feel depressed even though I act like a happy with my family. I act like Im happy so my son doesnt see me sad. I act like my life is a happy life, but I feel sad and depressed. I sometimes think of killing myself and that my family deserve someone better than me. I just cry and write in my book all these feelings.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have several different things happening at the same time. I would encourage you to call and speak to a local therapist. If you are having thoughts of killing yourself in this moment, please call 800-273-8255 and talk to someone.While I follow that you would like your son to be unaware of what you are going through, that doesn't mean that you can't discuss your feelings with someone else. Who is it that you trust or could speak with about this? A therapist could be one person, but perhaps there is someone else in your life as well.One thing that may help is to find a bead or rock that is smooth and you can hold onto it while thinking of a specific memory where you were happy. This could be from as long ago as necessary as long as it is specific and you can place yourself back in that time when you are thinking about it. If you think about this time while holding onto the bead, the bead may remind you of a time when you felt happy. You could do the same thing for a time when you felt comfortable and safe.Have you recognized any patterns for what is leading you to be sad?Can you think of anything that makes you feel good, even if it only works for a few minutes?"}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do when my parents won't let me see a therapist?", "questionText": "I think i may suffer from depression, and it is affecting my life and sleep. I am on my parent's insurance, and they won't let me see a therapist because they don't believe in it.", "answerText": "The answer here really depends upon your age and something called the \"age of consent\" in the state where you live. In Pennsylvania, anyone over the age of 14 can provide consent for their own treatment. As for billing purposes, try talking to some local agencies. If you are under 18, you may be able to have Medicaid out of medical necessity so that you can have treatment. If you are over 18, there may be some discounted rates at some agencies because of the situation you're in. Maybe your primary care physician will be able to refer you to some local agencies.If you are in school, you may be able to talk with a guidance counselor or someone at the school. This would not require using your insurance."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I resist the urge to cut?", "questionText": "When I'm sad and alone, I want to cut myself.", "answerText": "Try doing something physical. If you haven't exercised before, it is a good idea to get your doctor's approval first, but this can be helpful.The more you can find out about when you want to cut, the easier it will be to figure out what else you can do. If you are feeling sad or angry or nervous, look at what is leading up to those feelings and talk to someone about that.You said you are alone. I would see if you can find someone that you can trust to talk with about what you are going through. This could be a parent, a friend, someone at school, a coworker, or any number of other people."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I resist the urge to cut?", "questionText": "I stopped for a while, but Ive started doing it again. Its like an addiction. The more I try to stop, the more I want to do it. Ive tried doing some of the stuff they say to do like draw, but it doesnt work.", "answerText": "I've heard people say that they cut themselves as a way to feel relief from different emotions. You're also right that when you try to focus on just not cutting, it becomes more difficult because it's what you are focused on. While that is still something to work on, it may also be helpful to find something else you can do instead. You said drawing doesn't work for you. Sometimes more physical activities, such as doing a few jumping jacks, can be helpful. If you don't exercise, it might be something to talk with your doctor about first.The more you can learn about what makes you want to cut, the easier it will be to find out what you could do to change that. Try talking to somebody about what you are feeling in addition to the urge to cut."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so sad?", "questionText": "I have friends, family, I live in a good home, I go to a nice high school, and I get pretty good grades, but I dont know why I'm so unhappy. These friends are my best friends and theyre all amazing people, and yet I'm sad all the time and feel alone.", "answerText": "I wonder if you have moments where you feel happy?You say you have amazing friends. I wonder if you get along with them and feel as though you can be yourself around them.Sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do really well at everything all the time and this can be overwhelming sometimes. Where do you have support? I hope you can tell someone that you are feeling sad so that you can talk about your feelings.Sleeping can make a big difference as far as feeling sad as well. If you're not sleeping well at night, that could be a big part of feeling sad a lot.Perhaps you could try to find a person or two who makes you feel totally safe and comfortable and try to talk with them."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I laugh anymore?", "questionText": "I used to be the funny guy of the groupthe class clown, if you will. I used to laugh uncontrollably all the time and be able to be social without it feeling awkward. Now I can't laugh at all, and I'm dead inside.", "answerText": "If you look back to when you feel as though you were the \"funny guy,\" I wonder what is different now? It may be that responsibilities have changed or any number of other things.I don't know whether you're also saying that you feel sad or if you're saying that you feel as though you don't have any big changes in your feelings.A lot of us tend to be really busy, and sometimes we over schedule ourselves to the point that we don't have time to have positive time for ourselves. Sometimes even if we are spending time with friends, we're thinking about work and all of the other things we need to do.I wonder if it feels awkward when you're with friends that you trust in an environment that you are used to. Maybe if that is more comfortable for you, it can be a stepping stone to focusing on how you feel better in those moments.It sounds as if you may have had an experience (or more than one) where you felt misunderstood or criticized and now reacting to people feels awkward. If so, try going back to people you trust. Who do you have support from?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get rid of depression?", "questionText": "I've been feeling worthless, unaccomplished, and so frustrated. I want to break things, hit myself, run away, kick, scream, and cry. I just want to be happy and outgoing again. I want to be able to take care of my daughter and live comfortably.", "answerText": "Philadelphia, there is help out there. For your daughter's sake, start somewhere. Feelings are only that; your worst fears about who you are are only based on a few moments that haven't gone well. Depression is so treatable, but you have to seek treatment from a professional.Here's a quick exercise for you to do that can show you how therapy might work... fear is telling you the worst possible story of your life, right? So... if there was an opposite story...the very best story that someone could tell about you and your life...what would that be? Who would be telling it? Someone who loves you? Someone who was around you when you were that outgoing person? Someone who's been watching your life from the start? God? Write that best story. I dare you to give it as much credibility as the worst one.Therapy is often about helping people reject their \"worst stories\". I invite you to start exploring with a qualified therapist whatever barriers stand between you and your best life. I hope you reach out soon. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Is my depression sabotaging my job search?", "questionText": "I keep feeling paralyzed and unsure during interviews. Previous jobs have fired me for lack of performance, and five employers have rejected me after extensive personality tests and interviews. I'm afraid of continuing because my depression is getting worse. I'm already humiliated working for temp agencies and doubt my self-worth as a provider for my family.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed and stuck between wanting to improve your work situation and worrying that you won't be able to. It is possible that the paralysis, uncertainty, and self-doubt that you describe are contributing to your difficulty in getting and maintaining a satisfying job as employers generally like to see that a potential employee is confident and can think on his or her feet. With a competent therapist, you may be able to get more understanding of the roots of these feelings and learn how to move forward in your search for a better work life in a way that leaves you feeling confident and capable."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I bring up my possible depression to my parents?", "questionText": "I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.", "answerText": "You are not alone, many people fear opening up to family members about the topic of depression or mental illness. There are many different reason why some may fear telling their parents. The most common thoughts I hear in my office are: \" My parents won't understand me\", I may cause more problems to the family\", \"I am worried that something bad may happen if I tell them\".If possible express your current concerns and worries to your parents. You can start the conversation with your parents by saying \"I have not been feeling like myself lately, and I may want to see a counselor\".I think you are doing the right thing by going on this website and asking for help. Just a helpful tip: positive self-talk can be beneficial before having difficult conversations with others. For example, tell yourself something positive before talking to your parents such as \"I feel confident in myself, and I am doing this to overcome my fear of talking to my parents\" can help to decrease the anxiety you are feeling leading up to the conversation.I would recommend if you are feeling depressed or down it would be beneficial to seek counseling to understand your current thoughts and behaviors. Best of luck and hope you decide to start counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I bring up my possible depression to my parents?", "questionText": "I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.", "answerText": "Depending on your relationship with your parents, inviting them to have a conversation might be a good first step. If they consent then you can have the opportunity to discuss your concerns with them. Inviting someone to a conversation and getting their agreement is a great first step. I would then make sure your location of the discussion is conducive to the conversation and once all that is considered it might be beneficial that you make a list of your concerns prior to the meeting. this can help keep you on point."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I bring up my possible depression to my parents?", "questionText": "I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.", "answerText": "I am so sorry you are struggling! I do think it's a good idea to share your feelings with your parents and perhaps get some help connecting with a counselor or therapist if you feel that might help. There are lots of ways to tell them, depending on your relationship. Maybe saying \"I wanted to tell you guys something.. sometimes I worry that I might be depressed.\" Or, some folks will write a letter, or even send a text. The most important thing is that you tell someone you trust so you don't feel so miserable. I hope this helps. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like my life is pointless", "questionText": "I have absolutely nothing to do with my life but lay in bed on my phone or hangout with my one friend. I don't have a job, my family doesn't include me in anything, and I don't have many friends. I have nothing to do besides go on my phone. I miss talking to people in person instead of online. I don't even talk to my family in person even from the other room.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty stuck, lonely, and hopeless; like you have a desire to be more connected to people and to find purpose in life, but are not sure what to do. I am glad to hear that you have at least one friend and I think it is great that you are reaching out for more connection. If you can, working with a therapist who is competent in treating depression may be a huge benefit to you and help you to regain a sense of meaning, motivation, and connection. Additionally, anything you can do to give yourself a little break from the feeling of pointlessness and any ruminating thoughts you may be having may be of help. I know it may sound pointless in the moment, and you may feel a great deal of inertia in doing so, but you may find that if you force yourself to do something small that is pleasurable, like taking a walk for example, there's a good chance you will be glad that you did so after the fact. Thank you for reaching out."}, {"questionTitle": "Might I have depression?", "questionText": "I sleep a lot. Music changes my mood. I cry every Wednesday. My mind is like a maze that even I get lost in. I don't usually feel my true emotions, but instead, I get fake mirrored ones.", "answerText": "What happens in your life on Wednesdays that you feel like crying? Crying is natural. Crying on Wednesdays may also be natural if some type of regular event or situation comes up for you then that you don't like, feel oppressed by and have no way of avoiding.Maybe you would qualify for a diagnosis for depression.This matters less than what you will do with a diagnosis. Very often people feel some type of relief from hearing a professional tell them what they \"have\".Don't let yourself get talked into taking pills because now you \"have something\". Pills change your mood.Only you can change your life.The diagnosis matters so the therapist gets paid from insurance.It is a good sign that you know whether you feel true emotions or fake ones. This is a clear sign of knowing about yourself.Your mind feeling like a \"maze\" is a little too vague to know if you mean there are too many thoughts at once so that you have difficulty knowing which ones to examine first, or if \"maze\" means you don't know what your thoughts are and feel lost for this reason.Depression which is addressed by a person can become quite liberating because you will remove what bothers you so much in your life that it weighs you down and depresses you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel so lonely when I have friends and attention?", "questionText": "I live a normal life. I have tons of friends and family, but I feel lonely.", "answerText": "This may be happening because you and the others are not connected to each other on a level which reaches your emotions.Loneliness may show the absence of feeling a variety of emotions when you are among others.How many friends you have doesn't affect whether you and someone else feel emotionally engaged with one another.Consider if you feel like concentrating your friendship on more intensively sharing your feelings with a few of your friends.This may lead to fewer friends who are also more meaningful to you and your feeling a decrease of loneliness."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my anxiety?", "questionText": "I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.", "answerText": "One of the first steps is to manage anxiety and depression symptoms are to establish a goodself-careroutine. Start with the most basic things: Eating balanced meals, sleeping at from 6-8 hours and exercise at least 30 minutes a day. These will help you to regulate the chemical imbalance thataffectsyour mood, plus exercising gives you time to vent and be distracted from your thoughts. Once basicself-careis established, I suggest that is a good time to start exploring the source of these feelings, and address them trough therapy. If you have difficulty initiatingself-careroutine talk to your therapist about what motivates you and pushes you to do things, you might find the key during the process. You could also contact your physician or a psychiatrist to discuss medicationoptionsif its too challenging to begin basicself-care.Cmo puedo controlar mi ansiedad?Uno de los primeros pasos para manejar la ansiedad y la depresin es establecer una buena rutina de cuidado personal. Comienza con las cosas ms bsicas: Comer comidas balanceadas, dormir de 6-8 horas en la noche, y ejercitarte por lo menos 30 minutos al da. Esto te ayudara a regular el desbalance qumico que afecta tu estado de nimo, adems de que te da tiempo para desahogarte y distraerte. Ya que la rutina de cuidado eta establecida, es un buen momento para comenzar a explorar la fuente de tus sentimientos negativos, y explralos a travs de terapia. Si se dificulta comenzar a crear una rutina puedes consultar con tu terapista para identificar motivaciones que te impulsen a comenzar. Tambin puedes contactar a tu medico primario o psiquiatra para discutir medicamentos que te pueden ayudar a manejar estos sntomas e iniciar cuidado bsico."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my anxiety?", "questionText": "I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.", "answerText": "I agree with Cory. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) does seem to help a lot of people who struggle with anxiety. It's not the only type of therapy that can help, but it seems to help people in a way that is more natural and realistic. As Cory mentioned, anxiety is something that is part of life, so therapies that indicate we can get rid of it are questionable. Our natural inclination when we have anxiety is to STOP any and all things that may cause it or provoke it. We do this because we think it will help, but it actually doesn't. Anxiety usually has us rehashing the past or rehearsing the futurewhile ignoring the present. ACT helps folks who have those kinds of tendencies. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my anxiety?", "questionText": "I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.", "answerText": "As a past sufferer of anxiety myself, I have learned that it is a natural part of life, it is a natural part of us, the longer we try to run from it the more it entangles us in its clutches, if we deny certain parts of ourselves we will become depressed or even oppressed, the only way to deal with anxiety is to embrace it and accept it, and in fighting the fight without fighting we will eventually win, I would encourage you to look into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, your answer I think lies in that area of research. Hope this helps,C"}, {"questionTitle": "I am 20 and miserable", "questionText": "I have no friends, no hobbies, and no interest in anything. I get annoyed with everything and everyone. I am always tired, i can sleep 8 hrs or 12 hrs and im still tired. I don't know what to do. Is this normal?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. It certainly sounds like you don't like how things are going. Here are a few thoughts and ideas:1. If you haven't seen a primary care provider in a while, you may want to. There are health conditions that can affect your mood and energy levels, even at your age. It doesn't hurt to get checked out. If they find the cause, they may be able to treat it and improve the symptoms. In addition, most primary care providers are trained to be able to manage medication for patients who have mild, moderate, and sometimes severe depression. So, don't be surprised if your primary care doctor offers to put you on an anti-depressant if they diagnose you with depression. Medication is not the only way to treat depression, but sometimes it is necessary depending on different factors.2. You may want to consider counseling, since it is another effective way to treat depression. A counselor will help you explore the factors that may be leading to depressive symptoms in the first place. This could include thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, life experiences, and other things. 3. Finally, to answer your question about whether these feelings are \"normal.\" These symptoms could be the sign of an underlying general health or mental health condition. It is important to remember that even if these symptoms are \"abnormal\" it doesn't mean that YOU are. Millions of people struggle with depression. So remember, the symptoms are the problem, not YOU. Hope this helps. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Why have I been feeling empty lately?", "questionText": "I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "It has been said that depression is often the result of a blocked goal. Often people struggle with both anxiety and depression but have difficulty determining which is the most important issue. For some, depression is the result of frequently blocked goals and when their predominant issues are evaluated, they discover that they are anxious (worried) about a lot of areas in their life but seem to find no relief. When there is no relief and there have been numerous attempts (either in their mind or in practical application) to resolve the anxiety, depression is often the result. In this type of case, depression is not the main or underlying issue. The anxiety is the underlying issue. Having \"a lot on my mind\" sounds like anxiety. Unresolved anxiety can lead to feelings of depression which are often associated with \"emptiness.\" In the question above, I would want to evaluate all of the issues surrounding having \"a lot on my mind\" and determine where these might be coming from. Has there been ongoing rejection from peers? From family? If so, why does this seem to be happening? Isolation is often a protective measure that one implements to avoid further pain. Where does that need to protect originate? Are there unmet needs from childhood? Are there traumatic life events that have created a need to self-protect as a defense mechanism?We can feel \"alone\" even when in a crow of people or at a party. This has nothing, in this case, to do with being around people. It has more to do with how we view ourselves. If there is a prevailing message or script that has been internalized that says, \"You are worth nothing\" or \"You don't deserve the company of others\" then being around people will not alleviate the problem but only exacerbate it. I would want to evaluate how one feels about themselves and what negative messages one has received and has repeated to oneself over time.The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy is a therapy aimed at addressing unmet childhood needs. If there is specific trauma that is associated with socializing with people, then EMDR can be very helpful in desensitizing and reprocessing the trauma. Looking at whether this individual's issue with emptiness is straight depression or whether it is depression as a result of unresolved anxiety is key to determining a treatment strategy."}, {"questionTitle": "Why have I been feeling empty lately?", "questionText": "I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "There are many possible issues to consider as depression social anxieties, even medical illness. For some, even grief creates a sense of isolation, pains from relationship break up. Also, obsessive thinking can be debilitating. Seeking at least one trusted friend or family member can be a start towards increased personal support. Some persons may simply feel connected by spending time with someone as this, even if not talking directly on issues, just being around another is positive. Obviously there is more to explore on this question, given minimal information from two sentences."}, {"questionTitle": "Why have I been feeling empty lately?", "questionText": "I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "There is a difference in someone agreeing to try something and agreeing to continue to do it. Have you ever been willing to try something and then decided you did not like it? A type of food? A sport? A new restaurant? A type of dance? So this does not mean that things have changed between you. It does mean that the two of you may need to spend some time to find out what you both like.Instead of looking at it as a rejection, look at it as a challenge, an adventure that the two of you can go on as explorers together. Some couples have even found it helpful to each write down ten things they would like the other person to try and then each person can pick three things from the other person's list to add into their life together when they chose to over the next few weeks."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm depressed because I want to lose weight", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Depression is when you know what you need to do but are not doing it. The depression is telling you that are ready to accept who you are. Weight is traditionally an issue of protection and not feeling safe which in and of itself can add to the depression. This process is simple but is challenging to explain or walk someone through on social media. If there is one suggestion I would make it is to start living now, go do what you would do if you had lost the weight. Don't hold yourself back. Little shifts can help you start to make different choices. When you do these little shifts they create big shifts.Of course adding Yoga, and Meditation is very helpful in weight loss. At our facility we have both of these as well as nutrition counseling using a wholistic approach."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm depressed because I want to lose weight", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I can relate been there at one point in my life. Start taking control of your life. Take small steps by making small changes to your eating and exercise each day. For example, drink one extra glass of water, take one flight of stairs, park farther away from store... Some changes help you take control of your depression by changing it to motivation."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm depressed because I want to lose weight", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Our culture sets a very high standard on being within range of what is considered \"normal\" weight, that probably more people than you imagine, have faced a similar feeling of not living up to standards of how much to weigh.Are you actually too heavy for your height and bone structure?First be sure you're depressed about an actual weight problem and not due to failing a cultural standard that is difficult for most people to reach.If you truly weigh more than is healthy, then figure out the reason for being depressed about losing weight.Were you criticized by your parents when young, for all sorts of things, especially appearance?Do you associate too much weight with self-criticism, sense of failure?Your question here is very brief so I'm only guessing the possible areas, based on typical ideas people often have about themselves and weight.Basically, if you view weight loss as a method of self-care, go slow and steady with it, you'll find your way!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my depression and grief?", "questionText": "My dad passed away when I was a teenager. I never got any help, and five years later, I feel like I can't handle it anymore.", "answerText": "It's never to late to get help with grief. Get help as soon as possible before you are feeling the same way 5 years from now. You will always miss your Dad but getting help with coping with his loss will make life easier to live."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get to know myself?", "questionText": "I am a single mother. As a child, I was molested by my mother's boyfriend. I never knew my father. I started having children at 18 right after high school. After having children, I completely lost myself and gave all of my focus on my children. Now my children are getting older, but I still don't know myself. I've had several attempts at relationships, and they all fail. I stopped caring about a lot after my children's father left me. I fell into a spiral and got depressed.", "answerText": "What your are experience is normal for most women. We usually forget about self and totally focus on our children putting our personal wants and needs aside. So to answer your question of how do you get to know yourself I usually do a 6 session course with my client by having them answer questions such as the following in the first session: What do I love? (other than your children) What are my own needs and desires? What 3 things have I accomplished in my life that I'm most proud of? What are 5 strengths or qualities I have? What is one event that had a major impact on my life? How have that event affected my life today? For their homework assignment after the 1st session, they are asked to write a letter to self tell self what they love, cherish, appreciate and even admire about themselves. Most women feel awkward at first, but I remind them that the truth is that only to the extent that you are able to love and value yourself, you are to love and support others."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get back to my fun, happy self again?", "questionText": "I always see the worst end of things. My boyfriend and I aren't talking, and I swear he's leaving me. I keep failing my road test, and I see my future crumble. I have no desire for friends. I pushed my best friend away after Christmas, and I have no desire to fix it or make new friends. My aunt died, and I cry all the time, even if I burn my lunch.", "answerText": "I really love that you're taking responsibility for your pessimism here. There's a modern parable about two young brothers. One child is in a room full of every toy you could imagine, and he's miserable; the other is in a room full of horse manure, and he's flinging it around with joy. So then someone comes and asks the first boy why he's so miserable, because he has so much. He says that he's missing the one toy that he really wants. Then the brother is asked why he's so happy in a room full of manure, and he says \"With all this sh-t, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!\"Happiness is a state of mind, and I hear you saying that you used to be happy, so maybe this means you believe it's possible. That's a wonderful start.Research on depression shows us that it is very linked to pessimism. You say \"I always see the worst end of things\". That's pessimism. Life is like an elephant. If all you see is roughness, backup and walk around; the view will change.The key to optimism is to build your ability to see the bad things in life as 1. temporary (this will pass. I know how to fix friendships), 2. Specific (not involving the whole of your life), and 3. not your fault (tons of people fail road tests). On the flip side, it helps if we can see good things as 1. more permanent, 2. bleeding into other areas of our lives, and 3. something YOU created. Not taking credit for good things and blaming yourself for the bad ones is typical especially of women.The feelings you are having are temporary; you're in a slump and it's a good time to sit down and look at how you can make the picture look different. I think you know how; but you lack energy right now. If tackling this on your own isn't enough, a therapist can help you take that step back to look at the big picture and help you rebuild your natural resilience and capacity for joy. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I love myself?", "questionText": "I was anxious to go to middle school. I was afraid of what people might say about me, so when school started, I wasn't acting like myself. I was quiet, which I'm usually not. I didn't talk to anybody and didn't have any friends. Then a few years later, my grandma died. I really became depressed and stop going to school for a little. I hated myself and still do. I just need help. I need someone to care for me. I need someone to show that they care.", "answerText": "I agree; you need more care and support. No one deserves to feel alone, or like they hate themselves. We're all wonderful, imperfect, complicated people and we're at our best when we're all helping each other. I'm glad you wrote this question, because a lot of people have this feeling sometimes.I can tell that you're smart, because you seem to sense that the two things you wrote about are connected...you \"not being yourself\", and then how you felt when your grandma died.When Grandma died, you needed and deserved extra love and support, but the people around you didn't seem to give it to you, maybe. My hunch is that they wanted to, but that they didn't know how much you needed it, or what you needed exactly. The older you get, the more you will have to take charge of letting people know what you need. Maybe this is one of the suckier parts of being mature, but that's how it works.When you started middle school, it sounds like you changed; you got more quiet, right? That must have felt weird, to not be acting like yourself. It sounds like fear tricked you into thinking people wouldn't like you. Fear can be silly. So then, fear got you to not show yourself, and when we don't show ourselves, people can't see who we are; they don't know us as well and then they don't know what we need and they can't care for us as well either. Fear of not being liked isolated you from the people who love you. It does that to a lot of us.So, where you're at right now is because of what fear did to you, and also because when Grandma died you were already isolated so people couldn't see your pain and know that you needed support.There's a simple solution, but you'd have to be brave enough to look fear in the face and say \"Get off my back!\". \"You're not helping me by telling me lies.\" Can you be brave enough to go back to your old, louder, self? If you talk to the people closest to you...tell them what you think and how you feel, then they'll be able to give you the care that you want and deserve. I wish you well as you try this!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel guilty because I didn't say no to a guy's advances", "questionText": "I was in a situation with a guy. Hes my brothers friend and kind of like a brother to me. He invited me over to hang out, and then came on to me. I was instantly terrified to say no, and I gave in. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't figure out why I'm afraid to say no. This is giving me a lot of guilt and depression.", "answerText": "Hi Tennessee, There is nothing wrong with you. There are many good reasons why you didn't say no. You didn't say no because you were caught off guard and unprepared; there is no place in life that teaches girls or boys how to manage it when someone crashes a sexual boundary. You also live in a culture where girls are encouraged to be cooperative and not upset people, and to put the needs of other people first. You instinctively want people to like you, and people can be very coercive sexually. You said it yourself; you \"gave in\". He wore you down.There's nothing wrong with you. It wasn't your job to say no. Women aren't the gatekeepers of male sexual urges. It was his job to get your consent first. He pressured you into it.A good therapist would help you to dig deep and uncover all these barriers to saying no and more. If you said no, what might happen then? What might that mean about you? What are you avoiding feeling? Unloved, unwanted, cold? What would you have to believe in order to be confident enough to say no? That you didn't have to do anything you don't want to do? That you're special, or that sexuality is special? Would you need a better understanding of what sexual assault is?I love that you want to do some work here to strengthen your sexual boundaries, and I urge a widespread conversation about what consent it. Men and women of all ages could use more of this training."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with bad thoughts?", "questionText": "People have been calling me names, and I have had enough of it. I cannot stand it anymore I'm done. I have told someone this, and that is why I am writing this. The thoughts are awful.", "answerText": "It's sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and are feeling very criticized by others as well. I think it is great that you are reaching out and I can tell that you want this to change. Working with a competent therapist may be a good option for getting some more clarity about what is going on, developing ways to cope, and eventually getting relief from these overwhelming experiences."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I feel so empty even though I'm only in my early teens?", "questionText": "My life is completely normal, yet I feel empty inside. I feel as if I already know why I'm alive: to reproduce and die.", "answerText": "Are there any times or moments in which you feel other than \"empty\"? Start with knowing the context of when you feel something other than empty.If there is no recent example, then in your mind, go back in time to think of when you felt something other than empty. Recall what you liked about this time, whether you were by yourself or with others, what type of activity you were involved at the time of non-emptiness.How did you come to your conclusion that your life purpose is to reproduce and die? If this is what your parents, siblings and extended family believe, it is possible that you have a broader view of yourself and haven't yet uncovered a way of defining your own philosophy of living.Give yourself the time to browse around online, or in person social meet ups, on your interests. It is possible you will discover entire new areas of life and ways of considering life, that are brand new to you and which connect to your true self.This is one way of respecting your individuality, which of itself, may decrease your sense of emptiness."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I have depression?", "questionText": "I'm almost never happy. Half of the time, I don't feel anything. I find it easy to make myself feel nothing. I know I push people away because its easier. I just want answers. I'm sick of feeling this way. Its ruining my relationships with people.", "answerText": "Maybe you have depression.The name of your condition matters much less than the descriptions you wrote of how you feel.Since you've observed how you sometimes interact with people and realize you aren't happy with the result, you've a very solid starting point for reflecting on your deeper wishes in relating to others.Start with asking reasons of yourself about the puzzling aspects of how you're engaging with others.Theorizing as to \"why\" you feel that pushing people away is \"easier\", and easier than what?Googling the keywords of how you feel, may open a starting point for ideas on knowing yourself and what you wish for."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I have depression?", "questionText": "I'm almost never happy. Half of the time, I don't feel anything. I find it easy to make myself feel nothing. I know I push people away because its easier. I just want answers. I'm sick of feeling this way. Its ruining my relationships with people.", "answerText": "Hi Loyal, This is a common question. I suggest that you not diagnose yourself (only a physician can do that), but the symptoms you mention are certainly common signs of depression; rarely happy, emotional numbness, hopelessness, isolation. Depression is very common. Research suggests that one in three people may experience it in their lifetime and at any one point, ten percent of adults may be experiencing it. Most therapists are very good at spotting the signs and treating accordingly, although only a physician can prescribe medication.The great news is that depression is treatable. Some people experiencing depression may benefit from medication (often to lift the heaviness of the illness enough so that one can focus on psychotherapy), and therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy and behavioural activation therapy have demonstrated a clear ability to reduce symptoms of depression. Even if medication helps, seeing a therapist to look at the roots of your depression and to build coping skills is very important.A qualified therapist will help you look at the barriers to happiness in your specific case and suggest a course of treatment. You are not alone, and you don't have to suffer. Keep asking questions and you will find your answers!"}, {"questionTitle": "I think I have anxiety and depression. It has manifested an extreme distrust for others", "questionText": "My husband and I are in a terrible place. Part of me wants to fix it, but then I'm caught up with not knowing how and not being able to communicate my feelings to him because he always feels I'm blaming him. Sometimes I am because the feelings of distrust are so strong. I feel they must be coming from something he's doing, but sometimes I know I'm being irrational. Still, that doesn't stop the anxiety. The other half of the time, I just want to walk away, but I feel like that will only be a temporary fix.", "answerText": "You may be pressuring yourself to be the one person who fixes the relationship. This is impossible because the relationship belongs to both of you.Has he told you whether he feels about himself that how he interacts with you, is contributing to problems in the couple?Is he willing to understand what you're asking of him, without shutting down with whatever he is feeling when he feels blamed?Your feelings of distrust are the natural outcome of not being properly heard and understood. He's not willing to listen to you, so of course you're frustrated and this frustration comes out in all sorts of uneasy feelings.Willingness to hear each other in a non-defensive way, sometimes requires a couples therapist's assistance.Ask your husband if he's willing to understand, not judge you. Be willing yourself to do the same.If after trying and getting nowhere, you'll know when to stop trying on your own as a couple and to find a specifically trained couples therapists.Warning, not all therapists are trained to do couples therapy. Ask the therapist if they've had specialized training in couples therapy.Otherwise, having a referee type therapy session of, \"what do you think\", \"what do you think?\", isn't going to do anything except frustrate both of you further.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I have voices in my head", "questionText": "They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?", "answerText": "Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are.if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem.Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having.\"Crazy\" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not.Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem.Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors."}, {"questionTitle": "I have voices in my head", "questionText": "They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?", "answerText": "This can certainly be a side effect of some medications. If the voices are so powerful that you can not sleep or they are constantly present, you shouldn't wait any time, but go and see your doctor straight away."}, {"questionTitle": "I get so angry that I want to explode", "questionText": "I've got so much anger. I don't know how to control myself. My girlfriend screams at me all the time, and sometime I don't know how to deal with life. I'm very depressed and angry. I feel lost.", "answerText": "Hi Campbell River,You say you have anger but you don't mention how it shows. Or maybe it doesn't. Are you aggressive with your girlfriend? Since you mention depression, I wonder if you're bottling it all up somewhere instead of letting it show at all. If this is the case, I admire your ability to not lash out at someone who's hurting you. However, if they are totally unexpressed, anger turn inward and shift into depression. When sheyells at you, what do you do? Is this the moment that you feel the most angry? I wouldn't be surprised; anger is a normal response to someone yelling at you.Something about anger...it's often there to cover up our more vulnerable emotions. Under the anger I wonder if you feel worthless, powerless, scared, unloved. Part of the trick to reducing anger is identifying those other emotions and expressing them.You say you don't know how to deal with life, and I think maybe you mean you don't know how to deal with emotions. Lots of people don't! This is confusing for most of us. What am I feeling? Why is it so strong? I'm afraid to express it for fear of hurting someone (or falling apart, or feeling alone...). How do I know what to express and what to be quiet about?These are all great questions to ask yourself, and a qualified therapist can help you sort it all out and support you in your growth. I wish you well!"}, {"questionTitle": "I need help with my severe claustrophobia, motorphobia, and anxiety", "questionText": "I've been having this ongoing problem for most of my life now. I am a young adult, and right now, driving and even being a passenger gives me terrible panic attacks and anxiety. I can't ride in the backseat or the front seat with the safety belt on. I have to lean the seat back a bit because the pressure on my back terrifies me. I miss so many opportunities to go places with friends and family because of my fears of having a panic attack. My family offers little to no support. They think it's fake or \"all in my head.\" It makes me feel guilty and at times depressed to the point where I'd rather never wake up anymore. I am not self-harming, I just feel meaningless. This constant fear has taken over my thoughts and my life. I was such a happy person. I want my life back. I want to travel with my friends and family again, but I don't know how. I've almost given up hope on getting better and just accepting the fact that I'll live with this anxiety forever.", "answerText": "Not having support from your family for such a significant problem, is a problem itself.How about your friends, are any of them nurturing or treat you kindly when you bring up that you've got this problem?Are any of your friends willing to accommodate the fact that right now you've got panic attacks from driving and being a passenger?Maybe being and feeling accepted while you're in this current phase of your life, would help diminish the panic attacks.If no support is coming to you, then a next step would be to evaluate the relationships in your life and to develop standards and expectations of others, especially that they are considerate of your great need at this time.Its possible you are bearing the emotional burden of a lot more people in your life than yourself.If no one wants to show they care about this situation, then release yourself from trying to please and satisfy everyone's wish that you be better, while they ignore your need for their support.Be realistic in what you're able to give back to people who want to be blind to your emotional need.Thinking this way will at first raise your anxiety level from fear of losing everyone. Eventually, you'll stabilize within yourself and know that all you're asking for is some support for having a tough time.Hopefully, the others will be more responsive to you.If they don't you still know that you're being reasonable for what you'd like."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do if I need to talk to someone but I have no money?", "questionText": "I am broke, but I am sure I have been depressed for the past couple of years. I have always had anxiety. I just need someone to talk to right now. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to. I'm on the verge of just giving up.", "answerText": "Good question. There are resources out there - people to talk to. I'd try going to this link and calling the free 24/7 hotline:http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I not get depressed if my boyfriend doesn't want me anymore?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Feeling somewhat depressed for a little while from being rejected by a partner, actually is reasonable.Before feeling balanced in your life without this partner, its first necessary to recognize the \"before and after\" picture of how you felt with this partner.Knowing what is no longer part of your life shows you that what is surviving and eventually thriving, is your own life.Notice and appreciate yourself as you go about daily living. It is a way of offering loving recognition of your identity and who you are.Loving, taking care, and giving self-kindness, will feel much better than feeling sad being without someone who rejected you in the first place."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I learn to feel emotion?", "questionText": "I don't know how to have emotions. I never had any from my birth. Being human, I think of myself as a monster. I enjoy pain. I cut myself for my climax during sex. I think most of the time, I lie, even when sometimes it would have been easy just to tell the truth. I was in rehabilitation for four year. I have made love with both men and women, but it made no impact in my emotions. The books that I enjoy reading H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe. I go hunting every Saturday. I feel powerful. I don't enjoy the killing of the creature, but the hunt of it and to eat and drink the flesh and blood of the creature.", "answerText": "I'm not sure that you don't feel emotion or that you are frightened of the depth of your emotions.From what you write, the context of your growing up years had people telling you to not feel. Little kids and babies don't remember whether or not they had emotions since birth. This is information someone told you or was part of your family system.Possibly your family was afraid of their emotions or of you knowing yours.Similarly, your comparison of being human means being monster like, is not an obvious connection. Besides, monsters are an idea, they aren't real. They embody what someone considers the worst qualities of themselves or the human species. Again, I wonder whether you've taken on stories you heard growing up about how unacceptable and bad you are.A way to start learning your emotions is to start in simple, basic ways to ask yourself what you are feeling in the situations that you believe emotions would belong.If on the first bright sunny and warm day of the year, you remind yourself to notice what you're feeling in response to this, you'll be taking one step toward awareness of your emotions.If someone buys you a birthday present, be aware of how you feel. Keep adding awareness to situations and see if this builds an ease with feeling emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my daughter with her severe depression and her obsessive form of thinking?", "questionText": "I am on my own with my daughter. I am so worried and stressed about her.", "answerText": "Your instinct to help your daughter, is natural.How you proceed depends a lot on whether she recognizes she has a psychological and emotional problem, or if only you see this from observing her.Also, her age matters a lot in what way would be most likely to succeed in addressing the problems you describe.If you and your daughter have different opinions as to whether or not she has problems, and she is above the legal age of when you have authority over her life, then you can only suggest to her that therapy may benefit her.If your daughter is in your legal control, then you can locate a counselor nearby, discuss your situation with that person, and depending on the outcome, you'd be within your parenting right to take your daughter to a counselor.Starting therapy without willingness to do so, is risky. The person may feel resentful enough to not participate. And, sometimes the counselor is skillful enough to find a path to your daughter, or any patient's self-interest and engage them in therapy.Family counseling, regardless of your daughter's age, is another way to bring your concerns to your daughter's attention, in a therapy environment in which a counselor would be able to help distinguish the seriousness of your daughter's psychological problem, from simply a difference in viewpoints between you and your daughter, in how to handle certain situations.Also, if you believe your daughter is a threat to herself, then instead of this slower route, get in touch with the emergency psychological assessment service in your town, for a more immediate response."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm depressed because my mother kicked me out after having a child", "questionText": "I just had a newborn. When I brought him home, my mom told me to leave. Now I'm in a women's home. I don't see my boyfriend that often because he works. The women's place is helping me find an apartment so I can go back to work and get child care.", "answerText": "Congrats on the birth of your son!Was your mom's request for you to leave her house, one which she asked awhile ago or was this her greeting when you walked in the door?My question is whether your mom had some changed circumstance in her life, whether she and you discussed living arrangements prior to your son's birth, or whether nothing was talked about, you assumed you'd be living with her, she assumed you wouldn't, and the two of you didn't speak to one another about any of this.Depending on the answers, there may be clues as to handling future expectations of others, especially your mom.From what you write, the women's home is supportive of your basic daily living needs. It is good news that the people who run this home know and offer community resources.In your interactions with the staff of the women's home, ask all the questions necessary so you'll have a clear understanding of the apartment lease, anything at all that is on your mind about becoming employed and finding childcare.The point is to have all the major steps you're about to start, addressed.This way, you'll be minimizing the possibility of any sudden bad news by the women's home, told to you.Sending lots of good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I go back on my medicine?", "questionText": "I have experienced cycles of depression for the past four years, and it hits me harder every time it comes back. This past time, it was extremely debilitating, so I went on Wellbutrin. I could feel the effects of the medicine after the first week. A month and a half later, I decided that my depression was being caused by my own unwillingness to move forward and address my behaviors and thoughts that were keeping me in a place of despair. I became worried that the medicine was making me complacent and prohibiting me from working out what I needed to in my life to bring back true fulfillment. I stopped taking it a month ago and feel okay; a lot of the anxiety it was paired with has gone away. However, I still don't feel my sense of self has been completely regained, and I have days where I feel a zombie-like haze of having no interests or the ability to fully concentrate on anything. Is it better to continue letting time and good habits work out the remaining depression or should I go back on the medicine?", "answerText": "Deciding whether or not psychiatric medicine is a good option can be complicated, as you have noticed, and only a person who is licensed to prescribe can give you medical advice regarding medications. While there is sometimes relief from symptoms from medication, as you have pointed out, there are often negative side effects as well. While I can't give you advice on whether or not to continue medication, I would urge you to take an inventory of the positive and negative effects that you have noticed and educate yourself as much as possible about the short and long-term costs and benefits of psychiatric medication. If you can find a doctor, psychiatrist, or ARNP who is competent in mental health, it may also benefit you to consult with them.One thing that I am wondering about is, what is your support system like, in regards to your fight against depression? Are you seeing a therapist or attending any therapeutic or supportive group? While there are many things that one can do on their own to work through challenges such as depression, psychotherapy has been shown time and again in research to be highly effective and sometimes having a relationship with a caring, competent professional who understands depression and ways of helping can make a huge difference."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be happy again?", "questionText": "At school, it feels like I've lost all my friends, and I've been really weird with my sleeping patterns. I used to cut myself, and I really want to again, but I change in the locker rooms because I dont want anybody to see. I get ticked off easy and overreact. At night, Im very depressed and listen to sad music and all that sort of stuff. Please help me. I just want to be happy again, and I feel like Im starting to fake a smile at school.", "answerText": "As silly as it may sound, making sure that we are getting the right amount of *restful* sleep is very important when we are feeling low. The reason for this is the lack of proper sleep significantly affects our ability to problem solve and critically evaluate our situation and can lead to a domino effect in our thinking. I know you feel that you may be losing your friendships, but what are the facts that have led to this belief? Really ask yourself, \"are they facts?\" or are they your perspective on events. In regards to your coping behaviours at night, it sounds very isolating and also very silenced. As opposed to the sad music, why not try all music, allowing yourself to experience the wide breadth of emotions that are circling within you. One of the other recommendations I would make would be to try and journal about some of those thoughts and fears in order to release them in a positively cathartic way.Some of the behaviours that you have mentioned are a bit more significant, though and I would recommend speaking with someone directly in the near future."}, {"questionTitle": "I always feel depressed", "questionText": "I think about death all the time because I feel so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me.", "answerText": "Feeling alone and/or isolated is almost always associated with being depressed. As humans, we need connection and interaction with others in order to feel satisfied. Given that you are frequently thinking about death, I highly recommend that you see a mental health professional as soon as possible to help assess your immediate needs and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to your feelings of loneliness and depression.The good news is that with proper, consistent treatment and commitment to change, things can really turn around for you. A therapist can work with you on building enjoyable activities into your daily routine, change maladaptive thought patterns that contribute to your sadness, and help with exploring what has gotten you to where you are. By learning about where your sadness originates, engaging in preferred activities, and changing your thought patterns, you should begin feeling relief from the burden of depression. What will likely result, is further opportunity to find social outlets and an increased ability to connect with others.Don't give up. Create some short terms goals that you can likely achieve and make your treatment a priority and a focus. You have already taken the first step in getting better by writing to this site. Keep on this path and believe in yourself. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "I always feel depressed", "questionText": "I think about death all the time because I feel so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me.", "answerText": "Hi Ohio,I'm so glad you reached out. I urge you to talk to someone close to you, today, about your feelings, and to also seek professional help for your serious thoughts and feelings. We want you to be safe, and your depression is treatable.Loneliness is so painful, and when we feel lonely, this can lead to fears that we are not worthy of love or that the world is just a cold and lonely place. Neither are truths; only thoughts. Once we have fears like this though, we start to pull away from people, the fears keep us isolated, which makes the thoughts worse, and the cycle continues.We all have a place in this world. We all have value, we all deserve love, and there are safe, wonderful people out there waiting to meet you and care for you.Can you take a moment right now to become more in touch with three things? First, who in your life, if they were sitting beside you right now, would say \"wait a minute...I love you!\" What is the evidence that you are already cared about? Then ask yourself \"what is the evidence that I am lovable?\" What qualities do you have that make you a good friend or person? The third question is \"what tells you the world is a good place?\" What evidence do you see that there are people out there who care about others?Please reach out to someone today as you ask yourself those questions. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my fiance need a service dog?", "questionText": "My fiance suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She has had it most of her life. Her anxiety in public places is the worst. It gets to points where she can't breathe or move. Sometimes, she won't even go to the restroom, so she will hold in her pee until her stomach hurts or she pees herself. She curls up in corners at the mall and has panic attacks. She won't eat or drink in public. If she isn't having a panic attack or crying, she's clinging to me and avoiding everything and everyone. Her depression flares up out of nowhere and causes her to become very suicidal and self-harming. She get really sick from anxiety and scared to the point that I can't even get her to eat, drink, leave the bed, or go outside. She always tells me how she grew up around so much fighting and fear that it makes her scared of loud sounds, yelling, conflict, and even talking to strangers in public. She will refuse to go to a store unless I am with her to talk to the cashier for her. She is so scared that I can't even get her to drive. She doesn't want to get her license because she's scared of trying to drive. Some people have recommended medication, but I believe it's just going to cover up her illness and not solve it. I don't want my fiance pumped with drugs. I believe a psychiatric service dog would be the best bet for her. When we first met my poodle, it would calm her down a lot. She took the dog out every time we went out, and she seemed much calmer and happier. She slowly would eat, and the dog seemed to make her feel a lot better. I am worried and want to help her without medication.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have been a positive support for your fiancee. There is no doubt that this situation is a great challenge for the both of you. While it may feel like you are responsible for her health and happiness, it is important that you understand that you, on your own, won't be able to resolve her mental health issues. Based on what you have explained, it sounds like she needs to get a medical and/or psychiatric evaluation. Whether or not she decides to take medication is her (and your) decision, but keeping an open mind about treatment options is important. I suggest that she see a therapist on her own in order to better understand and cope with her anxiety and depression, especially given her suicidal thoughts. You would also likely benefit from therapy, individual or couple's therapy, in order to address how you are feeling andbest learn how to support her and your relationship. I wish the very best for both of you and hope that things will improve sooner than later."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm overwhelmed and depressed", "questionText": "I'm unemployed just relocated. I can't get approved for a place to live because of past mistakes which follow me to this day. I'm depressed and on the verge of loosing my partner because I'm overwhelmed and have trouble functioning on a daily basis. I see no light at the end of this tunnel and need some help. I see no point in this chaos infested joke some call life.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling like things are hopeless and out of control and you're not sure what to do about it. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, together you may be able to come up with some strategies for alleviating the overwhelming distress that you are experiencing and gain some insight into what may be contributing to these challenges. Additionally, a therapist may be able to support you in getting back on your feet in regards to work, a place to live, and showing up with your partner in a way that will be more satisfying to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm studying abroad, and I'm depressed", "questionText": "I'm supposed to stay here the rest of my academic life, but I've never liked it here, not even before I came. Ive never felt like I belong, Ive missed my country every second in the past four months, and I'm just miserable. I'm gaining weight, doing nothing, and crying for hours straight. Is it time to go back home or is it just culture shock?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling very unsure and out of place and the prospect of continuing to feel as you do now for the remainder of schooling seems daunting. Without getting to know more about you and your experiences here and at home, it is hard to say what you should do, however, I think exploring these things with a competent therapist may help you to discover the answer."}, {"questionTitle": "Relationships cause me anxiety and nausea", "questionText": "I am in high school and have been facing anxiety issues lately. Whenever I get close to being in a relationship, some kind of anxiety takes over and keeps me from the relationship. This anxiety causes me depression at times and even makes me want to vomit. While a semi-relationship should be joyous, for me, its an emotional nightmare I cant get to the bottom of. Ive had this before and had to leave the semi-relationship to avoid throwing up every time I made contact with my crush. What could be the reason behind this? Is it massive nerve problems? Is it a fear of a bad relationship? While Im not quite ready to be in one anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this for a brighter future in which I can be in one. I dont take medications and have no desire to, I have read forums, and Ive talked about the issue with my sister who has faced similar problems.", "answerText": "Hi Helena,I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... \"semi-relationship\". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a \"hook-up\" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end.This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that.Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt?Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence."}, {"questionTitle": "My ex-boyfriend is with someone new, and it hurts", "questionText": "I just got out of a two year relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn't showing any affection at all. He was talking to other women and lying about it. It pushed me away and hurt me, but I'm still in love with him. A couple days after our breakup, he was talking to someone new. He told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. I cried for several days, lost my appetite, and couldn't sleep. Our whole relationship was only us. We didn't have friends. It was me and him against the world. We didn't talk to anyone else because we only wanted to talk to each other. We hung out constantly and Skyped to sleep every single night. Then, when I cut myself, we talked on Skype. He cried and told me \"I'm still in love with you, I never stopped loving you,\" and I cried tears of joy. I asked multiple times if he loved me and asked to make sure he wasn't just saying that because of me being so depressed. He promised and assured me he loved me. He came over after that, and we had sex because he wanted to. He went the home that night and told me he didn't love me, and he lied because he was scared. He told me I wasn't attractive, I wasnt beautiful to him, and that I changed. He also told me he was 100% sure he'd never love me again. I'm still in love with him. Why do I love him? How do I stop? Just knowing that someone else is with him hurts me. That I wasn't good enough and that I'm no longer beautiful hurts me. I think I need a therapist, but don't know if I should.", "answerText": "I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering. Losing the mostsignificant person in your life is extremely painful and breakups are often equated to a death. There will certainly be a grieving process that you go through and time passing will allow the hurt to subside. With that being said, seeing a therapist is highly recommended as it sounds like continuous supportmay be necessary for healing to take place. Anytimesadness causes thoughts of suicide or self harm, it is important to get help immediately.A therapist can help you by validating your feelings and what you are goingthrough, while also working with you to move through the grieving process, adopt new hobbies, social outlets, and goals for your future. While starting over and trying out new ways of being may seem like a daunting task,it will only make things easier and give you asense of hope and purpose for your future. With the new year right around the corner, this could be viewed as a good time and opportunity to get reaquainted with yourself and set goals relatedto living a more fullfilling life. Hang in there. Witha support system in place and a healthy mindset, things can only get easier.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm scared to go to a doctor or take anti-depressants", "questionText": "A friend of mine taking psychology advised I go to my doctor to check if I have major depressive disorder. I'm afraid of the consequences of doing so. If I do become diagnosed with major depressive disorder, wont that go on my records? I will never be able to become a counselor along with a list of other things I may be prohibited from. Im also afraid of taking any anti-depressants. This year, my doctor gave me some for a \"dislocated hip.\" I had a severe reaction and passed out moments after taking them. Everyone I know who has taken anti-depressants says its a bad idea all around and youre better getting treatment without them. Im concerned they might take me to a clinic and force me to take medication because I am unable to make decisions on my own. Im not really suicidal, but I am not really taking care of myself either. Someone also told me they still use electroshock therapy. Im not keen on that. Im wondering if I am better off just getting self-help and working things out on my own. Its just that I've been an emotional mess since I was in elementary school. Ive graduated now and tried to stay positive and be happy, but I cannot deny I still am not good.", "answerText": "I admire your courage for stating your view about anti-depressants. Questioning mainstream thinking and being in touch with your own views, are signs of strength and clarity in a person.As a therapist, I always tell my patients to avoid anti-depressants.Their effectiveness is in suppressing a person's mood and feelings. If someone does not know how they are feeling, then they will have more difficulty in understanding themselves, their uncertainties and hesitations, and overall, how they relate to others and what they expect from others.Anti-depressants mask how someone feels.In a crisis, temporarily taking anti-depressants may be helpful. If someone is so overwhelmed that they are not functioning, then suppressing unhappy feelings so that the person can get through a day, may be of benefit for a short while.Basically, respect and follow your own opinion about anti-depressants. Your view is shared by many. It is a minority opinion, and very valid.If you would like to shop for a therapist, ask the person on the phone, what their opinions are about anti-depressants.Ideally, you will eventually find a therapist who thinks in a way which is similar to you, or at least similar enough that you will have a sense that you are able to trust working with them on whatever you define as problematic.I hope you will have an easy and productive therapist search!"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do when I cant stand being alone?", "questionText": "I have no real friends. I have a girlfriend who irritates me but loves me to death. I push her away and pushes me away. Were going through a breakup, and I have nobody.", "answerText": "Having time all to yourself may be necessary so you have time to reflect on your own identity and values, become more clear on what matters most to you, and with this increased self-understanding, be able to attract people who will feel like satisfying friends.Having a relationship with someone whom you push away and are pushed away, with someone who is irritating, seems to have limited benefit for each of you.Maybe you are together from fear of being alone, and being alone is exactly what you may now need in your life in order to draw more favorable people to you."}, {"questionTitle": "Can a mental breakdown last 10-15 minutes?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I'm not quite sure what you're asking, because you don't define 'breakdown'. We all fall apart in little ways, and then we get to put ourselves back together however we want. Feelings come and go, and they pass through us more quickly if we have coping skills and healthy thought processes. If you're concerned about some intense periods of despair or you feel like you don't have those coping skills, a bit of work with a therapist can help you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop feeling sad at my mother's passing over a year ago?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I'm sorry for your mother's passing on.Feeling sad to lose someone who mattered very much to you, is normal. Even crying on occasions you recall specific times with her, or on holidays and birthdays, is normal. I'm glad you're aware of your feelings.The only reason to be concerned about your sadness regarding your mother's passing, is if you are so sad that the sadness stops you from doing other activities in your life.If you are able to feel, sad, recall both good and not so good memories about your mom, the times you had with her and life lessons you learned through her, and carry on with your usual activities, then feel free to know you are someone who is aware of their feelings.If you're staying in bed most of the day, eating and sleeping poorly, not going to work or taking care of your house and household, because your sad feelings are flooding your life, then consider a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist who can help you grow stronger within yourself while finding a place in your heart for memories of mom.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fight inner loneliness from depression and a severe anxiety disorder?", "questionText": "I've been hospitalized twice. Once was last month for psychiatric help. I'm on medicine, but I'm struggling with fighting the negative thoughts, irrational fears, and loneliness. The people around me aren't helping much.", "answerText": "If you are someone who usually has a job, pays or contributes to household bills, and generally manages your own daily life, then here are some suggestions.Start with small changes in your life so that you will feel successful in developing little areas of personal happiness.Since the people whom you currently are in your life \"aren't helping much\", consider branching out your life so that you are with those with whom you do feel help you.Follow your natural interests. If you like reading, look online for a local book club. If you like watching birds, look up a bird watching group.Social isolation increases the intensity of negative feelings.Also, the way healthcare is set up in the US, psychiatrists spend 15 minutes asking a person questions and then giving them a pill script. There is almost no human interest in the person.If you'd like feeling better as a person, then find people. Relying only on our mental health system will keep you feeling low and unsteady.If your life is a little more sheltered and you are in a group home setting or your basic needs are taken care of by someone or some organization, then similar advice is still valid.Find and participate in whatever human settings which appeal to you and are available on a somewhat regular basis."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm depressed because my wife is divorcing me and I haven't seen my child in a while", "questionText": "I'm going through a divorce with my wife of three years, who I've known since the 4th grade and been involved with for seven years! We just had a baby seven months ago and never got along with my mother, who I've lived with for years. I am now back with my mother because I have nowhere to go with this divorce looming. I'm heart broken because I fell into a depression, I haven't seen my child in a while, I'm having good and bad dreams, and I feel hated. Can you help? Can you intervene? Can I speak with someone?", "answerText": "It's hard to accept the end of a marriage when it's not your choice; you feel powerless, abandoned and unwanted. Your wife has the right to decide not to be in a marriage with you, and a therapist can help you accept and move through this change that has broken your heart and left you lost. You don't indicate why you haven't seen your child, and you may want to consult with a lawyer about the laws in your area and how to gain access to your baby. Therapists don't intervene in these ways. The marriage may be ending, but your role as a loving father is only beginning. You can focus on giving your child the gift of two parents who respect each other."}, {"questionTitle": "How can someone like me be happy?", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with ADHD and experienced manic depression episodes. I have problems with anger management. Apparently, I also have an ODD, bipolar and split personality. How can I be truly happy?", "answerText": "The ADHD and manic depressive episodes are terms other people told you that you have.You don't have to accept these words to describe who you are.A lot of mental health in our country is about telling people what's wrong with them and giving pills for these so called conditions, instead of helping a person know more about themselves in order to make good decisions.You can be happy because nothing from the outside, such as the names people have used to tell you who you are, can interfere with your own wish to be happy.Others can slow you down because of the self-doubt and hurt feelings. No one can take happiness from you, only they can make it harder to find and hold onto.Anger management only works temporarily because it is a surface approach.Think of the reason you are angry. This will be better to know so you will be able to address it.Then you will not have anger to manage."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really down all the time", "questionText": "I always feel like I'm not good enough and it literally is so hard living. I don't know how to talk to my parents about it.", "answerText": "Are you a teen? This is a really hard problem for more teens (and adults) than let on. When I was about 15, I remember asking my parent's friend, Herman, whether life gets any easier when you get older. He said the problems are actually harder, but you gain the ability to deal with them better. I've been an adult a long time now, and that is so true.If you need someone to talk to, consider a teacher or a school guidance counselor or someone you respect, maybe in church. If they're good and they don't know how to help you, they may know how to get you to someone who can. Also, the idea of not being \"good enough\" is a common psychological event. In CBT it's called a \"core belief,\" but I call it a \"core lie\" in my book, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human. If you are serious about changing yourself, read about it at www.LivingYes.org and pick up a copy there or on Amazon. I hope this was helpful. The future is filled with possibility if we don't prejudge it! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible to get PTSD from being very depressed?", "questionText": "I have manic depression and last summer was very very bad. I have recurring nightmares and I avoid anything that will give me a similar feeling as I did that summer.", "answerText": "A PTSD diagnosis requires an event which occurred at least 6 months prior to the symptoms. Depression is a common symptom of PTSD, but depression can come from many other sources as well. In the end, diagnoses are systems of behavioral labels. If you believe that one label (PTSD) is worse than another (Depression), you are creating a false hierarchy. Consider consulting a CBT therapist, such as the fine clinicians listed in AcademyofCT.org. You may also want to look at my book, Living Yes, for many ideas about challenging your thinking and improving you mood. www.LivingYes.org.I hope you feel better soon. ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible to get PTSD from being very depressed?", "questionText": "I have manic depression and last summer was very very bad. I have recurring nightmares and I avoid anything that will give me a similar feeling as I did that summer.", "answerText": "In general, the answer is no. Depression can not not generally cause PTSD.Your question does make a lot of sense, though. Depression is a common symptom of PTSD.A counselor in your area should be able to help you what's going on - either feelings of depression, PTSD, or both."}, {"questionTitle": "I hate talking to people much less strangers", "questionText": "My doctor thinks that seeing a psychiatrist will help with my depression and anxiety. Now my anxiety is worse, what do I do? Writing on here has taken every bit of strength I have left.", "answerText": "Did you take the medication the way the psychiatrist prescribed it? Did you follow up with her/him to report how it was going? Different medications work differently with different people. It's not always the first one that helps. And some of the medications take some time to have an effect. Give the doctor the chance to help you.I suggest you find a certified CBT therapist to help you examine your thinking. www.AcademyofCT.org has listings of the finest CBT clinicians. In the meantime, do some \"anxiety fasting\" by taking a few minutes to do something nice for yourself right now. I hope you feel better soon. ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "How do you deal with mental illness (depression, anxiety) in a relationship?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Great Question! Anxiety and depression are part of thelenses from which you and partner see your world and relationship. Understanding your own and one another's triggers are the key to building asuccessful relationship. My colleague andco-host for this Friday's freerelationship Q&A webinar, Robyn D'Angelo, talks about loving your anxious partner in this brief vlog,loving your anxious partnerand also was featured on a wonderful podcast about making anxiety into your relationship superpower here."}, {"questionTitle": "I had a baby about 2 months ago and I really haven't been feeling myself", "questionText": "I am always down and out. Could this be postpartum depression?", "answerText": "Probably. I always tell the new parents I work with (and this is just as true for dads as it is for moms) that if you are feeling off, seek help. Postpartum Support International (www.postpartum.net) is a great place to start finding resources and locating support."}, {"questionTitle": "I get depressed whenever anyone I care about is too busy to be with me. What do I do?", "questionText": "My last relationships have ended horribly. They just up and abandoned me. One of them I have never gotten closure with over it, leaving me emotionally wrecked. I know something's wrong with me but I don't know how to even start trying to better myself. I get into these depressed like states whenever anyone I care about is too busy to be with me. I know that I shouldn't act like that because people are genuinely busy, but I feel like they're doing it just because they don't want to be around me.", "answerText": "Frequently when working with clients, I utilize the A-B-C model developed by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Theory. The theory basically states that you can not control an event but you can control your reaction to the emotions associated with said event. For instance here is an example:A (Action or Event): You need to talk to someone and that person is not calling you back.B (Behavior or Response): You begin to tell yourself that this person is too busy for me or I am not important to this person.C (Consequence): You feel depressed.If you look at the model, B has a direct effect on C. The thought is if you change your reaction to A, then C will have a better consequence, such as:A: stays the same.B (this is what you change): This person must be busy, they will call me back when they get a chance or I can call someone else to lean on for support until this person is available.C: Decreased feelings of depression & overall functioning improves.This is just an example but if you actively work to replace the negative thought patterns that effect your behavior, studies show that your overall outlook and mood will improve. If this model resonates with you, I recommend \"Feeling better, getting better, staying better\" by Alber Ellis. In addition, looking for support groups in your area are a great source of support when you are feeling abandoned or alone."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a slump?", "questionText": "I don't know what's wrong with me. At times I can be really happy, excited, I'll talk fast, and I want to do things. But lately I've been staying up way later and sleeping too much. I don't hang out with friends, I don't really have them. I feel nothing, worthless. I want to do nothing, I have no interest in anything. All I usually do is stay in my room. I want to be happy, I want to be nice. What's wrong with me?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling as if you're in a slump. First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Many people report similar symptoms. Have you ever talked with a physician regarding your symptoms? Two extreme emotions such as feeling extremely happy and then feeling extremely low for a length of time may indicate a mood disorder. I think it would be best to talk with your doctor or a therapist to help pinpoint the issue causing them.It's possible that it could just be certain stressors in your life that are causing the two extremities but you definitely want to rule out any mental health issues. If it is in fact mental health related there are many medications or therapy choices that can help.Thanks for reaching out! I hope that you will feel back on track soon!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with depression?", "questionText": "I'm in a state of depression right now. Who can I talk to? I've been sick in a lot of pain and crying. Don't know where to turn.", "answerText": "First of all, if youre sick and in pain, have you seen your doctor? If you have a chronic illness and pain, this can often lead to depression and is very common. Youve taken the first step to dealing with it. You can talk to your doctor, even if your depression isnt related to your health. He or she can either look at prescribing you an antidepressant or can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist.If thats not really an option for you, there arealso helplines (local or national) or support groups where people dealing withsimilar issuescan talk to each other. If you can't find any in your area (newspapers usually publish this information), there areonline support groups as well."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm going through depression right now and my relationship is suffering", "questionText": "I've been married for 3 years and I have two kids. During my 3-years married, my husband cheated on me twice. The second time really got to me and at my lowest I hurt him back. We aren't communicating as well as I would like. What do I do?", "answerText": "Hi there. Thank you reaching out for help. It takes a lot of courage for someone that is being abused to reach out for help. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way that I can.First and foremost, you did not mention whether or not you had children yourself by this man. Im going to assume there are. So, the most important thing right at this moment is asking yourself, if you and your children are safe? Is the boyfriend currently living in the home or is he coming and going? If he is coming and going or currently living in the home, my suggestion for you to is to pack a bag for you and your children and go somewhere safe (i.e. family members home, friend or a shelter temporarily). I cannot stress this enough. Although, some people tend to minimize their abusers behavior (i.e. they only do it when they are drinking, they only do it when they are mad), its those individuals that find themselves or their children in a serious situation. So, you can never take abuse (physical or mental) lightly because you never know what is going through that persons mind at that particular time. Its always better to be safe than sorry.Secondly, it will not be safe, helpful or productive to attempt to talk to the abuser about your relationship. Abusers often times try and manipulate you into staying by apologizing or attempting to justify their behaviors. This is the time you would want to go see a magistrate in order to get a protective order for you and your children.Its unfortunate that your significant other was involved with another women causing pregnancy; however, that is no longer your concern. Your concern at this point is keeping yourself and your children safe. I would also suggest counseling for you and your children in order to work through these issues. I hope this was helpful and please stay safe and take care of yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Oh, crying in therapy is very normal! I have a stack of kleenex boxes in my office. Cry away, therapist are very used to it:) First time being in therapy is scary, but you'll soon know if you are a good match."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "9 Ways Crying May Benefit Your HealthDetoxifies the body. Reflex tears clear debris, like smoke and dust, from your eyes. ...Helps self-soothe. Crying may be one of your best mechanisms to self-soothe. ...Dulls pain. ...Improves mood. ...Rallies support. ...Helps you recover from grief. ...Restores emotional balance. ...Helps baby breathe. ...Helps baby sleep. ..."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Yes, if crying is how you are expressing an emotion, then not only would it be normal, but hopefully encouraged, because it's an important part of therapy to have a safe space to express your emotions. We might encourage you to put words to the tears as well, to help you expand on your experience and begin to make more sense of it.As a therapist, our job is help you open up and feel comfortable enough doing so. I sincerely hope no therapist would ever shame you for whatever experience you are having in the room."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Please feel free to cry during therapy if you suddenly feel painful emotions arising when you describe some of your unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationships and situations.Crying when realizing the emotional hurt and unfairness between you and someone, clears you for new ways of handling interactions.As a therapist, I always have a box of tissues on the table next to the couch where people who utilize my therapy, sit.I hope you will soon discover that once your tears unlock your awareness of harmful relationships in your life, you will quickly see the freedom to establish new and happier patterns of relating.Have a good therapy!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "People do cry in therapy sometimes, but it's not at all necessary to cry in order for most kinds of therapy to be helpful. When you start counseling you don't yet know your counselor very well, so it's normal to keep your feelings in check until you feel comfortable and a bit more relaxed with your counselor and with the situation. Sometimes, though, there are emotions that have been waiting and waiting to finally find someone who will listen with a kind ear. If you feel safe right away in the situation with your counselor, you might just cry in spite of your fears about it. Your therapist is used to people expressing how they feel and will keep strict confidentiality, so even though it's embarrassing, finally experiencing someone truly listening with empathy and kindness may just be worth it. It's okay too to let your counselor know right at the beginning that you're kind of freaked out about getting too emotional in front of another person."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "It is is absolutely normal to cry in therapy. I can understand wanting to keep everything together and put your best foot forward with everyone you come into contact with, but it can be such a powerful experience to cry with somebody that can hear you and accept you. It's so brave of you to go and share yourself with your counselor! I hope you will keep being brave as you begin healing."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "First off, I want to commend you for taking that tough, but important step in starting therapy. Thats a brave commitment to make to yourself.Yes, crying in therapy is not only normal, its encouraged!Crying is the bodys natural response to sadness, grief, happiness (think tears of joy!), stress and even anger, for some people. Therapy is a safe place to feel and express the full range of emotions, whether those are pleasant, unpleasant or anything in between.When you cry in therapy, you allow your mind and body to release stuck emotions that havent had the opportunity to come out yet. Do you ever notice that after you cry you feel a sense of relief? Like a giant weight was lifted off your shoulders? Thats a sign of healing and you can learn to embrace that. Even science has shown that certain hormones, like cortisol, are released in tears.If youre worried about your therapist judging you for crying in session, lets put that fear to rest. As therapists, we see people cry every day. Some clients cry immediately as they start their first session. Some clients dont cry until a year or more into therapy. Everyones different. But trust me, weve seen it all and we wont blink an eye or think a single negative thing about it.If anything, your therapist will probably see your pain and want to do everything in their power to help you work through it."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Lots of people do cry in session, but your therapist won't be uneasy with this. Crying is a natural response and it also releases toxins, so some might say it's necessary! Remember that you can be in charge of what you talk about in your session and if there's something that feels too uncomfortable, just say, \"I'm not ready to talk about that.\" Your counselor wants you to feel at ease and will probably not push you right away to a very uncomfortable place. As you get to know your therapist, you will feel more relaxed and even not worry so much about how you appear to them. It's normal to be anxious going into a new situation especially when you might not feel in control of uncomfortable emotions. Don't give up, go and put your best effort in!Hope that helps,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Crying is a natural process when you talk about upsetting things especially in therapy when you are opening up and being so vulnerable. I suggest that you consider how you would feel/respond to someone that was confiding to you and they began to cry. If you felt concerned, supportive and empathetic then you know exactly how us therapists feel when our clients are emotional in sessions. I suggest that you think of times where you have cried and how you felt at that time in public and what would have helped to make you feel less uncomfortable during your tears.I think of crying like any other natural reaction of our body such as sneezing, laughing, coughing. You can't help but do those things and most people won't really judge negatively if you do it in public. Similarly, crying is our body's reaction when we are emotional whether it is tears of joy, from a hilarious joke or from being upset.If you are very uncomfortable about crying but willing to start therapy perhaps you can ask the therapist if you can turn your chair around if you begin crying. This way you are not facing them and can self soothe without worrying about how you physically look at that time.I wish you luck and you should be proud of yourself for starting therapy and I wish you a wonderful journey on this important path that you are embarking on."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "It is not uncommon to be a bit nervous meeting your therapist (or another person) for the first time. Your therapist understands that calling and getting an appointment was a big step for you and will do their best to put you at ease. Providing a safe environment for our clients includes not judging them and being comfortable with the information and emotions that they share with us. It is ok to cry and to trust that the therapist will honor this as part of your process."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "When talking about difficult issues, it is very normal to cry. Crying is a natural way for us to cope with the sadness that we experience in life. When confronting some of these things in a counseling session, tears just seem to come naturally. Every Counselor should be well equipped to handle that level of emotion, and you would be far from the first to cry when talking with a Counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Hi there ! As someone who has practiced as a clinical psychologist for 25 years , I would say that crying is NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT AT ALL ! Almost every single person I have worked with has cried at one point or another. Starting therapy takes a lot of courage; when you work with a therapist ,once you feel safe , you talk about a lot of very private and potentially emotional things that you may have never discussed with anyone before. I have seen people cry with sadness , cry with relief at releasing painful things they have held onto for a long time, cry because they feel so relieved that they finally feel heard. I myself have sometimes cried with clients because some things they talk about are so profoundly moving. I can assure you that most , if not all , therapists expect clients to cry and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Crying can be very cathartic and can allow us to release a lot of painful feelings we have been stuffing down. Crying is often a sign that you are really working things through and getting in touch with feelings that you need to get in touch with in order to heal .So , to summarize , don't worry at all about crying! It will probably feel uncomfortable at first , but I promise you , you will not be judged for crying in therapy. And it will be less embarrassing once it happens a time or two and you are assured that your therapist will be there for you and won't judge you !Good luck !!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Many people cry during their therapy sessions. Actually most people cry in their therapist's office. I tell my clients that it's safe to cry in my office and crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a normal human response to pain. People actually do more harm to themselves by trying not to cry than by crying. Crying is very cleansing and an important part of the healing process for many people."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry during therapy?", "questionText": "I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", "answerText": "Please do not worry about crying. People cry, laugh, rage, rant, and talk during counseling sessions. Part of the therapy process is to look at your feelings, and to feel what you are actually feeling (instead of what you think you should feel). So if you need to cry, that's ok. If you feel embarrassed because you cried, or if you feel anxious that you might cry, well those feelings are ok as well. Your counselor can help you manage your feelings so that you can attain your goals, and your counseling session is the perfect place for that."}, {"questionTitle": "Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "You might be surprised how normal you are. Anxiety is incredibly common and while your particular type of existential anxiety might be unique to you - it is very difficult for most people to really comprehend what happens after we die - regardless of the religious or philosophical belief systems we hold. It is the ultimate unknown and some philosophers and psychologists believe that at the root of our day-to-day anxieties is the fear of death or fear of the unknown. Just as it can be really hard to comprehend the ending of life it can also be hard to comprehend an eternal existence. What these both have in common is that we are imaging a future that is ultimately unknowable and this unknown can provoke a lot of anxiety.Mindfulness based practices like meditation - maybe there is something like this in your religious tradition - can be very helpful in making peace with the unknown in the present moment. The more we can learn to live in the moment - the less we get hung up on anticipating outcomes for our lives that may never come true. Mindfulness practices can help you ground, be where you are , relax and regulate your nervous system so that you are able sleep and recuperate, and train your attention to focus on living the life you want to live now - rather than worrying about what happens after you die.Having said all that - it can be profoundly helpful to speak with someone about your anxiety - especially when you feel haunted by it, worry that you are crazy and can't get to sleep. There are lots of good therapists out there who can help you with your anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "You are having thoughts of an existential nature. I am wondering what could be activating these thoughts.Your thoughts remind me of what St. Katherine ( a Catholic saint)said about living in the now as if we were already in eternity. When thoughts seem to be overwhelming, it could be a sign to take a different perspective, or use reframing which can help alleviate your anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "Good questions! The paradox of thinking about forever is that you can become more motivated to live only in the present. Thinking about forever can certainly be overwhelming, it's a lot to think about, What can you do about your future? Be present - learn and relax, knowing that you are doing everything you can right here, right now. There is a book by Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now - that you might be interested in. Enjoy your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "Your life here matters and being present in it so you feel joy in yourself and your surroundings is important in creating your sense of ease and balance. No one can predict, for sure, what happens after death because consciousness transcends boundaries and limits we tend to impose on it. That said, if reincarnation exists or if there is a heaven or hell your consciousness of it will most likely be free of discomfort or pain as you experience it now. Meditating or doing self-hypnosis for anxiety can help alleviate your thoughts and sense of fear and living the a life of kindness and balance will assure that your future will be happy for you regardless of the unknown."}, {"questionTitle": "Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "You need to find an outlet. Someone to talk to. Your dad or someone who loves your mother as well is someone ideal. But anyone could help. Just look to someone for help. If you can't find anyone who you think will listen, talk to your mom. It can help greatly just to get the words out. Tell her how you feel about her passing, but then also about everything else. Talk to her about your day. Tell her about happy things. I don't know if you're a religious person, or where you believe she is now, but no matter what you can talk to her."}, {"questionTitle": "Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety", "questionText": "Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.", "answerText": "Many people generate intense anxiety with obsessive thinking. While the nature of your obsession about the afterlife and eternity appear very powerful and unique to you, the pattern of obsessing about one thing/area is common. I suggest that you consider counseling to help you with your anxiety. If you are so inclined, there are also medications which may bring relief. Obviously, I can't diagnose you from one paragraph, so it would be wise to visit an experienced mental health professional (either a counselor or an MD in your area) to help you with disengaging from your self-destructive thoughts. CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is a very effective counseling approach for obsessive thinking. If you'd like a see a top notch CBT therapist, visit www.AcademyofCT.org. And of course I suggest you pick up my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN, which includes CBT concepts and many more tools which will help with obsession and anxiety.As for believing yourself \"insane\" (or \"crazy\") this is not a mental health term but a legal one (or a slang). So as long as you don't commit a crime, no professional can legitimately call you insane or crazy!Take it slow! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Oh that is too bad not sure is it because of the one you are in therapy with or the counselor ? What feelings are coming up and thoughts in your mind first to start. Try and put them down and look at what is on paper. If you need to maybe do a group first then individual then couple."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Hi there,Thank you for your question. It's absolutely ok to feel nervous going to therapy. I have experienced anxiety going to see my own therapist. There can be a few reasons why you might feel this way.First, it is always unnerving to see a person who is a stranger and to share intimate things with that stranger. You mentioned it has only been a couple of sessions. Your anxiety might subside as you continue to see your therapist and grow more comfortable with him/her.Another reason why you might feel particularly nervous is perhaps you are not comfortable sharing things. As children, we might have bad experiences opening up to others. Someone might bully or ridicule us, and that experience can stay with us for a long time, making it extra scary to share our intimate feelings and thoughts with others. If this the case, as you continue with your sessions and have positive interactions with your therapists, this anxiety will subside with time and you will re-learn that it is safe to share.And the last thought why you might feel the shakes is perhaps you know that you need to talk about some past experiences or memories that are uncomfortable and difficult.Regardless of the reason, it might help you to bring up your nervousness in your session and share how you feel with your therapist. Having an open dialogue about your anxiety with your therapist can help you resolve some of that anxiety and built greater trust with your therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Hello there. You ask about being nervous and shaky walking in to your therapy session and want to know if its normal? ... I realize there a few ways to look at this. I presume you weren'tanticipating feeling this way; and probably hoped to feel the opposite.. Well, my initial response is yes, sure, it can be within reason to feel this way. Have you been in therapy before? Is this somewhat new? That could be part of the reason. But either way; new or not, I think when are entering into a meeting that holds potential evaluation of deep things about you and your heart and soul, it can cause anyone to tremble. The soul can be anticipating some things could be shaken up here, and it can feel scary to look at these things and then change. Looking deep at our life can feel daunting and scary; so your response just might be regards to potential growth trying to happen. OR, is there something about the therapist you don't feel confident about? This too might be in play as a reason for your feelings... Maybe you lack confidence in that therapist ? Have you let your therapist know how you feel? That would be good to explore...I would like to encourage you to look at these ideas. Hope it helps. Let me knowKindly,keithkeithcounseling.com"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Certainly."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Well, it's generally okay to feel anxious or nervous about going into therapy, particularly in the beginning because the process of being open about what you are going through, much less to someone who you don't know well, can be anxiety-producing. It's also common to feel anxious when you are discussing something that is important, difficult to discuss, or you are making changes that are very difficult for you.The most important thing I can tell you, though, is to discuss with your therapist this idea that you feel nervous and shaky. Some anxiety can actually help to motivate or lead you toward change. There are also level of anxiety that can be counterproductive, so it's a good thing to discuss. Personally, I can tell you that I would want my clients to tell me about anxiety they feel 100% of the time. That opens the dialog to discuss whether it is the level of anxiety that they want to sit with and learn about in discovering more about themselves and their experiences and/or whether they would like to do something to lessen the feeling of anxiety.Thanks for writing here. If it caused anxiety for you to do so, I hope that feeling is diminishing for you, at least related to writing here."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "What you are experiencing is extremely normal. Opening up to someone you don't know from a can of paint can elicit some uncomfortable feelings and make you feel shaky. With time and building trust with your therapist, you will eventually start feeling less apprehensive before sessions. Consider bringing this up to your therapist as you both can process this experience together and figure out ways of coping with this anxiety before you come into the therapy room."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Hello. First, I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. They can be intense, I will do my best to offer some suggestions or thoughts that I hope will be helpful to you. There could be a number of things occurring. Therapy is a delicate, private decision and I would first like to commend you for the fact that you are not giving up, that you are working to figure this out, and make this work, it sounds like you are engaged and motivated to receive support from a professional,your continued dedication and motivation will take you far. I would first start by asking if you have discussed this with your therapist, if you feel comfortable enough telling your therapist what is going on, maybe inform the therapist that that you feel nervous and shaky. I am a firm believer in open communication between the client and therapist as this builds a healthy therapeutic relationship that yields positive outcomes, if this can be obtained and well received. This isYOUR time for healing and therapy should be a safe, supportive environment to not only process but to seek support and guidance from a professional who can help you move past the barriers. If you feel you are comfortable and able to speak to your therapist, that would be my first suggestion, is to tell he or she how you are feeling. If they know then they can help determine the potential cause and allow you to process and move forward. If this is left un resolved it will be hard for you to move forward. If you are not comfortable discussing this with your therapist, this may be something to take into consideration and worthy of thinking about: why you are not comfortable speaking to the therapist. I understand this is difficult. If I may offer one more suggestion, breathing exercises are very beneficial. Remind yourself what you are working to achieve, close your eyes in a safe moment and breathe in and out slowly, in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth with pursed lips. Breathe in for approximately 5-10 seconds, then let it out slowly. Be sure and do this when you are in private, and feel safe environment. When you begin, I suggest putting your hand on your stomach, over your belly button to feel yourself actually taking in those deep breaths. I know it may sound kind of silly but they really work and areincredibly helpful. We often forget to breathe, especially when we are feeling anxious. You are supported here and try taking yourself through the above thought process and breathing and practice the breathing several times a day. I hope this shaky and uneasy feeling eases. Wishing you the very best!Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It can be uncomfortable talking to someone about your life in the great detail that is normally necessary for counseling to be beneficial. Since you're already going to counseling, congratulations on taking that big, first, stress-inducing step. Hopefully by now you are starting to feel a little more comfortable with your therapist. It can be helpful to address this big \"elephant in the room\" and talk to your therapist about this. I do my best to help people feel comfortable when they come to counseling, but regardless of how hard we try, sometimes it is just a little hard to get accustomed to. The good news is, the more you keep at it, the more \"normal\" it will become."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "If you have only been to a couple of sessions, it makes sense that you might still feel apprehensive at first. Therapy is hard work! You may be talking about some things that you never talked to anyone about before. Opening up to stranger can be scary. After you feel comfortable with your counselor, and trust has built up and you feel understood in session, you should feel more relaxed. I would encourage you to talk to your counselor about feeling a little shaky. Sharing what the process is like for you is important in your work. If you still feel unsure about sharing after several sessions, it is important to take a look at that and try to understand where that may be coming from. For example, are you and the therapist not a good fit? But, again if you are just starting out in working together, feeling a little bit nervous makes perfect sense, and I encourage you to give it a bit more time and to talk to your therapist about how you are feeling."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Thank you for your question. It's completely normal and natural to feel nervous before a therapy session. Many people report having felt this way.I can't say enough regarding the amount of courage it takes to reach out and attend a therapy session. For many people, it can take weeks, months, or even years of contemplating whether to see a therapist or not before actually contacting one and attending the first session. It takes courage to want to work through any struggles you may be having or personal growth you aspire toward.In your question, you mentioned that you've \"gone several times and are still feeling nervous and shaky.\" If you feel comfortable with your therapist and it's a good fit for you, I would suggest talking about this with your therapist. You don't have to struggle each time you have your appointment. Together, you and your therapist can work toward helping you have a different experience."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It's absolutely normal! For some people, it's scary to even make the appointment for therapy. It can be overwhelming to think about talking to a stranger about very personal information, and that's exactly what we challenge you to do. It can take quite a while to feel more comfortable with your counselor and the topics you discuss.The more you show up despite your anxieties and talk about things that scare you, the less likely it is that you will feel nervous and shaky beforehand, depending on your expectations for sessions. It could even be something you bring up to your counselor to process how that feels to you and maybe some reasons why that may be happening.There's nothing wrong with feeling scared and I think it's courageous of you to keep going. Sometimes feeling anxiety means we are doing something important to us; it seems as if maybe therapy holds some pretty big meaning for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Sure, why not!It's nerve-wracking to go to a man or woman you've never met before and who is a total stranger, that you are paying to take an interest in your life. You're likely feeling an internal truth about the sessions, the man or woman with you, and the man or woman sitting across from you. I'd listen to those feelings.Wouldn't it not be best to go to those around you that do provide comfort and aid, first? Wouldn't it be better to attend to those of faith around you who have love to offer, first? Wouldn't it be better to go to your family and loved ones, first? :)Might try that; see if your nervousness evaporates..."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Its very normal to be nervous going into therapy. You are being vulnerable and honest, which is always scary, no matter how many times you do it. The best part about therapy is that the more you go, the more confident you are in your ability to work through those difficult feelings, and while you still may sometimes get nervous, you will have confidence too!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It depends on your definition of \"normal\"!:) I would say that the average client I see feels some level of nervous energy when they come into their sessions, and especially at the beginning. I think that with clients who I work with that have difficult times in relationships, maybe being able to trust people is tougher for them given their life experiences, the expectation would be that they have a harder time moving through those nerves and feeling more at peace in sessions.In my opinion, a competent therapist could help you explore where these nerves are actually coming from (talking about yourself, relating to another, something else?) I encourage all of my clients to bring up whatever emotions are coming up for them in the moment, as it's helpful to the client to recognize the \"present moment\" emotion and then being able to process, learn from, and move through to a more peaceful place, if that is what is being sought."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Therapy can feel very weird to begin with - think about it, how often do we go and tell a relative stranger our deepest, darkest thoughts in the rest of our life? So I think its reasonable to expect a certain level of nerves as you get used to your therapist and to the whole process of talking about yourself and vulnerable topics. That said, its definitely worth bringing to the attention of your therapist (if you haven't already) to see if there is anything that they can do, or that the two of you can explore together, that might make the process feel less intimidating to you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It takes a lot of courage to go to therapy. I have gone myself as a Counselor and know what that feeling is like. This is normal but hopefully you have become more comfortable with your therapist. This might be something to bring up to your Therapist and openly discuss (scary to do but its ok) this may even relieve some of your anxiety. If it continues, you may want to consider trying another therapist as this one may not be the best fit for you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Therapy does not work overnight, oftentimes it is a lifelong struggle, the therapists job is not to \"cure\" you or to remove something but rather to make you strong enough to live your life with your own peculiarities and struggles, remember we are human and constantly fallible. Another important thing to note is that although you go to therapy, that is just a room, most of the magic and work takes place in your real life outside of that room."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Yes, feeling nervous for the first few or several sessions of therapy, is completely normal.Therapy is an unusual way to have a conversation with someone. The person is an expert in recognizing and understanding dynamics of human interactions. For some people the fear is that the therapist knows more about you than you do yourself.In general terms hopefully your therapist has worked with many other people who've faced problems similar to yours.In this sense the therapist has a general idea of the basic dynamics you most likely are handling.No therapist could possibly know your particular details and your particular areas of upset or in what ways you feel unsure of yourself.Once you start to trust both your own right to tell your particular story and start to also feel that your therapist is listening attentively and cares what you tell the person, your nervousness will start to disappear all on its own.Good luck in getting the most from your therapy sessions!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is absolutely normal to be nervous about therapy. Many people take years to make the decision to start counseling and although it is a safe place to explore feelings, it may be the first time you are facing certain issues. It takes courage to face issues head on. Being nervous is part of the process. The fact that you are continuing to go to therapy sessions despite feeling nervous demonstrates your strength. Keep it up!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Yes, it is completely normal to feel anxious about therapy. Therapy often explores topics and feelings that are uncomfortable. The ultimate goal of therapy is to feel better but the process itself can be uncomfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "For some people it's absolutely normal to feel nervous about coming to therapy. It's sometimes hard to share our emotions and feelings with someone --- no matter how warm and caring the therapist is. Are you comfortable with your therapist? Is it a good relational fit? Maybe this is a good thing to discuss with your specific therapist at the beginning of your next session --- maybe they can help you find some strategies or tools to make it easier?"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "of I would love to know a little bit more about what's going on in your life but I will attempt an answer.Yes, you could still be shaky and nervous going to therapy. This therapy thing your doing is sometimes scary.First, because your opening up things that you might have never wanted to.Second, your still building a relationship with this therapist person. You may never get over that. The therapist really can't be your \"friend\". They are there to push the buttons that you might not want pushed and help you heal. That in itself is scary and can make you anxious.Third, you really never know where this therapy thing will go. Yes, there are goals. But sometimes side roads need to be taken and sometimes that is scary.Know this you are in the right place. You are taking steps to change."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is absolutely a typical response. Many of my clients are nervous the first couple of times we meet. This isessentially a strangerwith whomyou are sharingyourfeelings."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It's normal to feel a little anxiety--after all it's an important encounter for you. My suggestion is to discuss this with your therapist, let him/her know how you're feeling, especially if you feel as though your level of anxiety is impacting the quality and benefit of your sessions. You might try some relaxation techniques prior to starting the session, deep breathing, progressive relaxation, core muscle dis-engagement--If you're not familiar with these techniques ask your therapist or write back."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "\"Normal\" can be an insidious word to use because it can undermine your sense of worth. It implies there's one particular way you should be behaving and can leave you feeling crappy and \"abnormal\" if you're not behaving according to that prescribed standard. Instead, what I'd recommend is to pay attention to your emotional experiences when you're attending therapy. Explore your feelings and thoughts without judgement and try to reflect and understand what's going on that's causing you anxiety. Once you figure out the underlying meaning of the anxiety, you can figure out a way to handle it and action steps to take to diminish it."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "Everyone has different experiences going to therapy. Being nervous can be a typical emotion one might feel. Emotions are our body's way of telling us important information about ourselves. I would suggest talking openly in your sessions about this. That way you can process your thoughts and feelings with the guidance of your counselor. There are probably underlining emotions (fears or insecurities) that are being stirred up during your therapy sessions. Your counselor might suggest individual counseling depending on what you learn about your anxiety. In individual therapy you would have time to deal with your own stressors. As you address your issues, then you will have tools and skills that will be useful in addressing the couple relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "I would be more concerned with how is this being addressed in therapy. Therapy can be a rewarding process, however often times we do not pay much attention to the messages being sent to our bodies. I believe in somatic therapy which deals with our mind & body connection. I would think it may not be a question of normal or abnormal however if it is impacting you then you must pay attention to that. It would be helpful to explore the feelings you're having with your therapist. It may be something that needs addressing to help alleviate those feelings or have a better understanding of why they are showing up when it is time for therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?", "questionText": "I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is totally normal - you have a lot riding on this and you're invested! Think about why you feel so shaky - is it something about the therapist or their style? If so, it would be a good idea to talk with them about it so you feel more at ease. In any case bringing up your feelings about therapy intherapy is totally appropriate and even necessary. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help myself and change my behavior?", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "One step towards change would be to decide why you are hitting your head. Is it a sensory sensation, you like the way it feels, are you trying to hammer out thoughts and feelings you do not want to think or feel? Also consider other ways to alleviate that desire, the feeling, the result you get from banging your head. Perhaps every time, you do not hit your head you give yourself some micro reward. Also when you do hit your head, you could find an activity that would deter you. Working with a therapist or counselor who has knowledge of behavior modifications.When I am helping clients work in this area there are many helpful steps toward extinguishing a behavior."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help myself and change my behavior?", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "It must be painful to do this behavior. Something is causing your pain. I know thats staring the obvious. But taking a step back. Taking some deep breaths might allow you to determine whats underlying your need toself harm. If you feel you have to harm yourself then a technique is to hold an ice cube. The cold will divert your attention away from your emotional pain."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help myself and change my behavior?", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown over the years to be effective at helping people recognize and change their behaviors. But, as much potential as therapy has for every individual, some people seem to have the keys to successful therapy while others dont.Some of this stems from what the individuals expectations were going into therapy. Some from how much effort they gave, and others from whether or not there was a good personality fit between patient and therapist.For therapy to be successful, you MUST be realistic about the process. It is not linear, and it is not quick. This is particularly true if you are dealing with complex, long-term problems. This doesnt mean you can expect to be in therapy for the rest of your life or even many, many years. It simply means you must appreciate the reality of what you can expect and how quickly.If you are interested in exploring treatment options, please get in touch with us. We'd be happy to discuss how we may be able to help during a free phone consultation. Fill out the form below to get started. Not quite ready? Read more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapyhere."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help myself and change my behavior?", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "Give yourself a lot of empathy and care for having had a rough childhood and realizing that life can be better than how you were treated when growing up.Be patient with yourself too bc lasting change takes time.Alternatives to hitting your head require constant gentle reminders to do these new behaviors, or if you've discovered a satisfying alternative in one moment, time is required for you to repeat this alternative until it feels natural.Anxiety usually means someone did not feel well understood growing up and was rushed to comply with the wishes of others who were a regular part of their lives.Anxiety lessens as the person starts to know and accept their wishes and needs as valid. Allow yourself to learn who you truly are in the spirit of accepting whatever you discover about yourself.The behaviors will naturally change with your new understanding and self acceptance.Good luck and enjoy this self discovery project!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help myself and change my behavior?", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "Hello. I have to wonder from a behavioral perspective if what you are doing is useful for you. In other words, does it serve a purpose in some way when you find yourself doing it. Yes, this could well be an expression of anxiety, or maybe some type of coping skill you have developed over the years to deal with stressful situations. Yet it sounds like you have developed a sort of knee-jerk behavioral conditioning that causes you to do this behavior during specific (or perhaps even non-specific) circumstances. Do you think it is a self-soothing behavior? Do you feel good after you have done it? The behavior itself is likely causing some form of slow physical damage, so I would recommend you have yourself checked by a doctor, to rule out any injury. If none exists, this obviously doesn't excuse the behavior, it just says that for the moment luck is on your side.When we do any behavior of any kind, it is good to ask if what we are doing has merit or value. Is the behavior helping us to solve our problem, or is it merely creating yet another problem by doing the behavior in the first place. In the same way that a person might drink excessively because they are stressed and need to cope with some unresolved issue, when they are done drinking the original problem will still likely be there, but now they are intoxicated. No closer to solving the issue. When we deal with things like anxiety or depression, we need to do things that work on dealing with the symptoms, but also get to the root issue that created those feelings and find effective solutions. So the things we do to cope with life events need to not be ones that cause us harm, but rather support us as we move forward and work to deal with what life throws at us.Sometimes seeking support from a friend or a counselor is a good idea. Being given the opportunity to express your feelings about what is going on around you and getting feedback and insight from others is much more effective than actions of self-harm, wouldn't you agree? So I would encourage you to find a counselor or a trusted friend who can help you find positive behaviors you can take to deal with your feelings, as you also work to find the answers to the day to day issues of living a life filled with promise and opportunity.Reach out if you need help...there will likely be a hand there waiting for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help myself and change my behavior?", "questionText": "I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?", "answerText": "The best way to handle anxiety of this level is with a combination of appropriate medication given to you by a medical doctor, and therapy to help you understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are causing the anxiety. This is not something that anyone should just white knuckle and try to get through on their own with no help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety. This takes a therapist trained in CBT.You will learn to recognize when and why you perform the behavior of hitting your head, help you deal with the underlying cause of this, and replace the behavior with a more positive behavior. You'll learn coping skills.You mention having a rough childhood. Anyone who has experienced trauma like this, especially long-term ongoing trauma from abuse of any kind, definitely does not need \"exposure therapy\", which is what is recommended for phobias. You need a therapist trained specifically in trauma informed therapy.You are on the right path by recognizing there is an issue and what it is. Good luck with your healing journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have an anger problem?", "questionText": "When I get frustrated or upset, it becomes extremely difficult to keep my voice down. I also instantly cry and tend to have anxiety attacks. What can I do to try and control it?", "answerText": "I'm going to reframe this and you can decide if this is helpful!What I'm reading based on what you gave is that you are actually doing your best to manage intense feelings of internal dysregulation. Anger is something that is generally a protective emotion that quickly arises to keep us safe in some way, whether or not the situation is truly a threat. The part of our brain that perceives this is not controllable to us, so we don't get to decide what emotion(s) we respond with.It does also sound like you are experiencing some significant anxiety, maybe even underlying the anger? Without knowing the context, it's hard to say what would help on an individual level but working through those triggers and what is really influencing them deep down could be beneficial. There's many different ways to do that in therapy if you so choose that as your path.If you do decide to see a therapist, most will tell you that the goal is not necessarily to control your anxiety or anger. Sometimes there's a strong set of beliefs that, when activated, are catalysts to strong emotions that influence behavior. Trying to control an emotion on its own is usually unsuccessful for people because it leaves out all the other powerful elements at play. Emotions are information and the brain sends that information out because it believes we need it at that time. Therapists can help unravel that with you in whatever way you need, whether that's with somatic work, work at the level of belief (or schemas), or otherwise---hitting it at these deeper layers can unpair and/or decrease emotional responses. It all takes work and time, so don't get down on yourself if the process is complicated or slower than you expected or hoped for.What we know though is that the brain is very capable of change (even if it's painful). Hope this gives you a helpful place to start from!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm feeling overwhelmed", "questionText": "My two adult sons live with me. One has been having panic attacks and hasn't been able to work for over 6 months. He doesn't want to get help. I'm feeling so overwhelmed. What can I do?", "answerText": "My very first thought is this is so much to carry on your own! A mother's instinct is to care for her children so I can imagine how hard it must be to see your son in pain and struggling. I hear a ping of helplessness in there as well. That's heavy.My question is: who is supporting you? I know nothing about the context, but I wonder if the role you hold often is that of caretaker. It may not be that the end-all-be-all answer is to be cared for, but the absence of care (or even self-care) can seem like we are only existing for others. Sometimes having someone to rely on can help take off some of the edge--the pressure--of all that is overwhelming.Despite that, it may be that the situation continues to be exactly what it is, providing a steady stream of stress for you (which would be so difficult). I don't think anyone can tell you what to do because no one here has to live with those consequences, good or bad. Just a note that sometimes with men it is harder to reach out for help. Perhaps he feels comfortable enough for you to know he's struggling (which means you have provided him a safe space to do just that) but not comfortable enough to interact with a stranger about those same struggles. Men often avoid therapy because it's seen as weak and/or means you need help. Planting seeds here is sometimes all you can do, as hard as that is.As far as supporting goes, there's much more you can do there if he is ready to receive that. If you are seeing him in the midst of panic, the best thing you can do is let him know you are there for him. Maybe that means being there physically, or continuing to give him encouragement along the way (e.g., \"You got this\", \"I know this is hard\", etc.). If you aren't present for the attacks but he's telling you about them, you can ask what you can provide for him in those moments or how you can help him afterward. Panic attacks can be taxing on the body so sometimes people need time to recover. Remember that you also need to recover here, too. It's very painful to watch someone you love panic. What might you need there?Of course, counseling can be a great place to work through that stress and overwhelm. That time is all for you to be heard and understood. You deserve to have someone there for you, too!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less anxious around new people?", "questionText": "I have developed bad social anxiety within the last year, and I just can't stand to be around people. I recently got a new girlfriend, and she is extremely close to her large family and wants me to be around them all of the time. My last visit with them, I was quiet and uncomfortable, and she got mad.", "answerText": "Take small steps each day. Go around a few people, take a walk, and smile or wave at others. Strike up a conversation in the grocery aisle. Think of topics you enjoy and would like to share, could talk about, to break the ice. Maybe call some friends you once had and reconnect. Go at a pace that feels comfortable and in time you could release the reclusive energy to embrace a more social you. I also wanted to share this short digital book with you.The Anxiety Antidote"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less anxious around new people?", "questionText": "I have developed bad social anxiety within the last year, and I just can't stand to be around people. I recently got a new girlfriend, and she is extremely close to her large family and wants me to be around them all of the time. My last visit with them, I was quiet and uncomfortable, and she got mad.", "answerText": "I think what you are describing is pretty common. Even people without social anxiety have a hard time talking to their partner's family--it can feel overwhelming.One thing about social anxiety is that it creates avoidance behavior. You may be avoiding conversation so you don't embarrass yourself or say something wrong, or maybe even feel like people don't like you. The truth is that those are just simply fears. You may overanalyze how people react when you put yourself out there, but we aren't that great at reading what people are actually thinking based on body language (unless we really know the person).The challenge here is to avoid that avoidant behavior--talk to people. You don't have to talk to everybody all at once. Just find a person you feel safe(ish) with, someone that seems pretty nice and open. It's ok to have anxiety about talking to people, and it's even ok if they know you are anxious. Social anxiety can cause us to think too much about how we respond, which can make conversations seem choppy and unnatural. Pay attention to the way you respond to people you have less or no anxiety talking with--what does this look like for you? You can try to bring some of that to your conversations with her family. Or with anyone, really.Another thing to know is that it's normal to change our conversational style to fit who we are talking with. What that doesn't mean is being a completely different person--it's still totally OK to be you. It's just like applying a different filter based on the situation. Some of that will work itself out the more you practice and the more you put yourself out there. It's tough to know what the boundaries are of expression sometimes, so be patient with yourself. We all make many \"mistakes\" socially, but that's necessary to learn about ourselves. Give yourself that chance!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less anxious around new people?", "questionText": "I have developed bad social anxiety within the last year, and I just can't stand to be around people. I recently got a new girlfriend, and she is extremely close to her large family and wants me to be around them all of the time. My last visit with them, I was quiet and uncomfortable, and she got mad.", "answerText": "Congrats on the new gf!If you need a period of social withdrawal, then this is not necessarily a quality to fight with yourself against.If your girlfriend isn't empathetic and willing to tolerate a basic part of your personality, then set a standard for yourself of being respected.As long as you're willing to be around her family for her sake, then you're doing all you can do to please the girlfriend.The question is whether or not she is doing all she can to satisfy you, her boyfriend, to make you happy.Try explaining that you have needs too and ask her to consider your wish to be mostly quiet around her family."}, {"questionTitle": "Overcoming fears", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Fears are not that difficult to deal with, first you need to train yourself to relax using some relaxation strategy, once you are able to employ that in your daily life, you then need to start facing your fear, for instance I'll use an example of a man who has a fear of driving over a bridge. We would build a hierarchy of fears, that is a list of fears ranging from least to most, for example the man may want to start by looking at a picture of a bridge while employing his relation technique, then he may want to see a real bridge from a distance while employing that same relaxation technique, then moving closer to the bridge, then maybe standing on a bridge, all the while moving closer to his fear while relaxing, until you come to most fearful proposition which is crossing that bridge, or you can also engage in flooding which is for example, if you were scared of an elevator, go into an elevator until you are not panicking anymore, in the movie Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne who has a great fear of bats, goes into this cave and allows himself to be surrounded by bats until he is no longer fearful of them. Secondly, look at your fears, do they even need to be worked on, some fears are healthy, for example if i was a therapist in New York City and someone came to me and said \"I'm scared of snakes\", I would probably say that is OK because there are very little snakes left in ManhattanHope that helps C"}, {"questionTitle": "Overcoming fears", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "It is commendable that you have acknowledged the fact that you have this fear and that you want to overcome it! Micro steps, doing a little bit each day to get closer to your goal of overcoming it. Working thru a list of mini-steps that you can accomplish until you are fully immersed in your fear and overcoming it. As you accomplish each step along the way implementing micro rewards so you can feel a sense of accomplishment and reward at each interval, helps to want to keep going forward. Immersive therapy could help in this area."}, {"questionTitle": "Overcoming fears", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Everyone has fears. Whatever your fear is it can be helpful to breakdown the thing that creates anxiety or fear into small steps. For instance, let's say you are afraid of speaking in public. If your goal would be to one day speak to a room of people, you would start by creating a list of lesser fears that would eventually lead to the main fear of speaking in public. You could start your list with things that might be less anxiety-producing such as, asking for help at a store or speaking up in class or at work if something is bothering you. As you build-up to what you fear the most you will have taken baby steps while assessing whether or not what you feared most was as bad as you thought it would be. If it wasn't, that will help boost your confidence and help move you to the next step. This is called an exposure hierarchy and it is something you can do on your own or with the help of a counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "Overcoming fears", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Your fear may have deeper roots within your sense of who you are, than you realize. Fears are sometimes irrational so that logic doesn't get rid of them.Think about whether you felt secure and confident as a child. Also, did any major bad events happen to you with other people or situations when you were growing up?Often these overwhelming situations of childhood stay with us as fears of situations in our adult lives. If the root of the problem w the fear is from long ago, then probably a therapist who can ask you questions which help you remember upsetting childhood circumstances, may help you to dissolve the current fear.Another possibility is CBT, cognitive behavior therapy which teaches people short term mantras to do something which is safe, say being a passenger in a commercial airplane, which feels frightening to a person.CBT is short term and results are limited to specific fears. It is a much quicker approach than self-understanding."}, {"questionTitle": "Overcoming fears", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Fear is a part of life. In fact, our five main emotions are joy, fear, sadness, shame, and anger. We tend to spend a lot of time and energy running away from or trying to get rid of most of those emotions and the more we do that, the more we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment.As a result of viewing our human emotions as \"bad\" or \"wrong,\" we often get caught up in a trap of thinking we have to overcome them or get rid of them before we can do what matters to us. In reality, you can do what is important to you whilehaving your fears!My question for you is, what would you do if this fear was completely gone? What behaviors would you have if you were the ideal you? What skills, knowledge, or personal qualities would you develop? What kind of relationships would you have?I imagine your fear has kept you from achieving those goals because your mind tells you you can't do it until the fear is gone. I challenge you to do the following exercise:What is a goal you would like to achieve? Example: I would like to change careersWhat actions are necessary to complete this goal? Example: see a career counselor to determine my ideal career, go back to school/get a certification, network with others in my desired industryWhat thoughts, feelings, or urges might get in my way? Example: thoughts of \"What if I fail? I'm not smart enough. I can't do it. I'm too busy to put energy into this.\" Feelings of fear, shame, excitement. Urges to distract myself through drinking or watch tv instead of taking action.It would be helpful to remind myself that: example: It is natural to have these thoughts, feelings, and urges but I can take action anyway. I deserve to have a fulfilling life.The smallest and easiest step I can take now: example: research career counselors in my area and write down their phone numbersThe time, day and date that I will take that first step, is: example: Tonight at 7pmAt least think through these answers but it is most beneficial to write them down. I hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "Overcoming fears", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "This answer could be very different depending on the fear, the degree of it, and what it connects to.I wonder the following:On a scale of 1 to 10, how upset, anxious, or scared to you get when you think about overcoming this? If it's more than a 5/10, I would definitely recommend talking with a therapist in your area.A lot of fears that we have come from something that at one time was self-protective and important. Do you know where your fear started? If you think it is still protecting you or helping you in some way, talk with someone (like a therapist) about it.If it is something that you know is irrational (for example, fear of being hurt by static cling from winter clothing), is there some part of that that you are not afraid of?I really encourage you to consider whether your fear has a lot of emotions connected to it or if it ties from something in your past that was very emotional for you at the time. If it does, consider working with a therapist to establish emotional safety before taking away the fear or anxiety that may actually be helpful to you.Also, the fact that you notice that you are afraid of something and you don't want to be afraid of it anymore is a big step in the forward direction."}, {"questionTitle": "Overcoming fears", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Biologically, fear is designed to protect us from harm. Fear is not always a bad thing, and in fact can be quite healthy and appropriate depending on the situation.A phobia, however, is different. You used the term \"fear\" rather than \"phobia\". A phobia is an irrational fear - meaning it is not rational for you to fear that thing. If your situation is a phobia, exposure therapy can help. This consists of gradually exposing yourself a little at a time to the thing you are afraid of. Some people with phobias find that the irrational fear interferes with their life and they do need to overcome it. Someone who is afraid to drive over bridges may go to great lengths to avoid routes that have bridges. People who are afraid of elevators may always use the stairs instead, which may not always be feasible. If overcoming a phobia will improve the quality of your life, then by all means, seek professional help to overcome it.Everyone has fears, or things that make them nervous. Public speaking, asking a person out, fear of failure. Examine what your fear is and try to determine the reason for the fear. When you can get to the root cause of the fear, you can deal with that issue. A lot of times, it is a self-esteem issue. You may be able to peel back the layers of the fear and find out what's causing it and deal with the real issue.Some fears are caused by trauma. Someone with PTSD is going to have an exaggerated fear response and will find themselves being kicked into \"fight or flight\" mode over things that someone without the trauma experience wouldn't notice or react to. In cases like this, exposure therapy would be the wrong approach and could actually make things worse. If there is a possibility that a past trauma is the cause of your fear, I strongly urge you to seek a therapist - not just any therapist, but one who is trained to work with trauma and abuse victims."}, {"questionTitle": "Overcoming fears", "questionText": "I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Overcoming fears is something that everyone struggles with at one time or another. Sometimes we come across something that scares us, we push through it and suddenly we aren't afraid anymore. But sometimes it can seem like our fears just take over and we cannot overcome them. There are some options:1. You can go to a counselor and receive some type of treatment. What kind of treatment would depend on the type of fears you are experiencing. For example, if you have a general phobia about something, they may use various techniques to help you manage it. 2. There are different websites and even some self-help books that you can use to try to overcome your fears. When it comes to overcoming certain fears or phobias, exposure therapy well-studied and proven to work. A therapist would help you with this, but some websites give instructions for how to do it yourself. I am not sure how well it works when you try it by yourself, but here is a link to a website that does offer some tools. http://psychology.tools/anxiety.htmlSome colleagues may offer you some other types of advice. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the voices stop?", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "You are valid. It is very unnerving when thoughts control your life. One way to combat them is to figure out whose voice the words are said in. Oftentimes people say things to us and it stays with us, and it is not often true. We let others opinions penetrate our brains and live rent-free in our heads. You could try to rewrite the thoughts, the negative thoughts, rewrite them in a positive way. For example you are not worth anything you could rewrite that in a way that shows all the ways you are worthy. Write all your accomplishments, and things you have overcome and proof that you are in fact worthy because you are! You can Interrupt the thought, focus, redirect elsewhere. If you are replaying a specific moment you could go back into that moment and retell the moment, rewrite the moment so that it is what you would rather it have been. Your mind does not know anything other than what we feed it. Feed and integrate more positive thoughts and actions into your routine to possibly see a positive change, a change for the better! This video could be beneficial for you Negotiating With Inner Critic"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the voices stop?", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "How is your life going overall?Since you hear voices since you were young I wonder whether you mean the thoughts each of us has about what to do, our opinions, including self-criticism and praise.I try to understand how severe a problem these voices are if you've managed to get to a point in life of awareness about the voices.Usually when mental health people hear about voices the immediate thought is you need drugs bc you are psychotic.Since this is going on for a number of years, I wonder if the problem is something different."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the voices stop?", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "You are right. It is not normal to hear voices that aren't your own but the fact is some people do. In my experience, medication seem to help. It is also important to understand when you hear voices the most - meaning it is important to understand what the triggers are. It is also important to understand when the voices are the least - meaning what helps you deal with the voices better. My clients have reported that their triggers are being in social gathering or around strangers or for some even the TV. Trying to identify your triggers is helpful for some people. Clients have also reported that listening to music, watching TV, being with friend or family helps them deal with their voices. Every individual is different and you need to figure out what works for you and what triggers your voices. My suggestion is to see a therapist / health care provider and then go from there.I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the voices stop?", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "First, let me express my support and compassion for what you're going through. Hearing voices can be incredibly difficult and can feel like you can't get a moment's peace, even in the privacy of your own mind. And not everyone will necessarily understand what you're dealing with, so I imagine you may also be feeling isolated or somehow different. Atta girl/boy on reaching out for help!Many people find benefit to taking medications, such as risperdal, seroquel, and so on. These should be prescribed by a nurse practitioner or psychiatrist -- I do not recommend a primary care doctor venture into this area, as a general rule. Discuss the options thoroughly and insist on a good rapport with your prescriber, if you decide to go this route.Some people are having results with a talk-therapist to develop coping strategies. There is a new and somewhat less conventional approach to challenging voices with a professional to assist you, rather than to suppress the voices, which medication will do. There is peer-run organization and a general approach that attempts to live with voices in a different way. You can read about it in Living With Voices by Marius Romme. I have heard interviews but have not read the book(s) and can't speak to its efficacy.No matter what steps you decide to try, managing your stress, sleep, exercise, healthy food is essential -- in other words, just the daily care and feeding of yourself should be included in all of your efforts and bears surprising benefits to your brain and emotional health.Best wishes to you,Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the voices stop?", "questionText": "I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?", "answerText": "This isn't something you can do on your own.If you haven't already, you need to see a medical doctor ASAP to rule out medical causes for this. Many diseases, illnesses, and conditions can cause hallucinations. In the elderly, sometimes it's something as simple as a urinary tract infection. Some medicines may have that side effect as well.However, you say you've been hearing them since you were little. I have no idea how old you are now, but something that has been going on for many years does lead me to think it could be a type of schizophrenia. A psychiatrist could diagnose that after taking a complete look at your history, medical history, etc. There are medications that they can put you on that will help.One thing that I find encouraging is that you recognize you're hearing voices. This means you are not so far into a delusion as to believe it is real. A lot of people that hear or see things that aren't there are not able to have the awareness that these things are not real. They fully believe what they're hearing/seeing. It's completely real to them. Because you have the awareness that you do, I feel this is a very good sign that with treatment you can live a normal life (assuming you are not already receiving treatment for it. If you are and are still hearing the voices, please know that medications often need to be changed and adjusted, and the voices may never completely go away but medicines certainly help dull them a lot. Always talk to your doctor when it seems your symptoms are getting worse so that they can make the necessary medication adjustments for you).If at any time the voices are telling you to do something, please go to an ER as this is an emergency. Sometimes people hear voices telling them to harm themselves, harm someone else, or do other things that are against the law. Do not try to deal with something like that on your own. There are people who can help."}, {"questionTitle": "I fell in love with someone who bullies me", "questionText": "I have a friend who I became quite close to, close enough for us to insult each other lightly for humor. But eventually, that went too far. Recently, I've realized that it is causing me lots of stress and anxiety. I can't get away because I fell in love with them.", "answerText": "Sending you positive vibes as you contend with loving someone who bullies you. Have you discussed how this leads you to feel and if they can stop? Open honest communication is a key cornerstone in relationships. Take away the bullying and list the other qualities about them you love. Also, write down the pros and cons of staying versus leaving. If possible dig into what leads you to love someone who bullies you? Were you bullied by someone you love in the past and this resonates because it is familiar? Also please journal if you wish around the graphic enclosed."}, {"questionTitle": "I have difficulty with communication", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "Wow, congratulations on being in a masters program. You are in a unique place. So few have reached that level. You should give yourself a pat on the back.Confidence is not something that comes naturally. But can and does come with practice.Having gone through two masters programs I can sympathize with your your dilemma.So how is the stress affecting you?Is it serious enough to stop you from presenting or is it just \"butterflies\"?There are many ways of dealing with the anxiety and stress. Much depends on how serious the stress is.So here are a few ideas:1. Practice in front of a mirror.Sounds strange but the practice helps.2. Ask some friends to listen to your presentations.Not so much for their input as to just get used to presenting.3. Focus on the material you are presenting.The subject matter is what you want to get across. Step away from your nerves and get into the facts you want to present. Let the material you present be the focus.4. Remember everyone else is just as nervous as you.Share your fears with some of your classmates and gain support from them. Focus on a friendly face during the presentation. Be a support to them in return.5. \"Fake it, till you make it\".Yes it sounds blunt.But sometimes that's what it takes. Even if you feel like it, you won't die.So much more can be discussed with a competent counselor. Take the time to let a professional help you work through this.Again you have come a long way to be in a graduate program. Congratulations you have done great work so far. It's just one step at a time, take the steps."}, {"questionTitle": "I have difficulty with communication", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "A good way to start is the language or \"self talk\" that is happening inside your mind. Looking at your question, when it is said that the presentations \"make me feel stress\" you are giving the responsibility of the stress to the presentations and taking that away from your self. The presentations cannot give or take away your stress, that's something only you can do and you can do it! What language can you change in your self talk? For example, are you saying \"I can't speak in front of an audience! I'll fail?\" That sounds a lot different than \"I studied my butt off and if I practice speaking out loud, I can ace this presentation!\" Although this is a short answer, I do believe that counseling will help you overcome these stressful feelings and bring out your inner confidence."}, {"questionTitle": "I have difficulty with communication", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "I wanted to share these two short books (see below). You could also look into working on your throat chakra which deals with speaking your truth, self-expression, being heard.Communication Crunch High Impact Communication"}, {"questionTitle": "I have difficulty with communication", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "I was the very same way when I was in graduate school. It makes sense that speaking in front of others would be scary because all of the attention is on you and you probably have expectations to meet each time (including your own).Practice is the best way to build confidence before a speech. Feeling prepared reduces anxiety for speaking just like it would for taking a test--you are solidifying the pathways in your brain that store and recall the information you need to know and speak about.Remember that it's pretty normal to feel increased anxiety before and during a speech. It's something that matters to you, so your body is trying to prepare you to fight through it. It can often feel like your body is working against you when it is actually doing quite the opposite!Also remember that people typically are not aware of how anxious you are. They cannot hear your heart racing, they don't have access to your racing thoughts or insecurities, and they cannot feel the butterflies in your stomach.When you practice your speech, practice appearing confident as well. Identify a couple focal points where you practice and pretend those are people. Confident posture and eye contact can help you feel more confident about what you are speaking about. When you get to the actual speech, have a couple focal points that you switch your gaze to every few seconds. People will perceive that as confidence, even if you aren't looking directly into everyone's eyes (which can be intimidating).Don't forget to breathe! Taking a few deep breaths can send the message to your brain that what you are about to do is not dangerous--you are safe. You'll still feel anxiety, but that's OK! During your presentation, you can continue that in a sense by speaking slower. It may seem like you are talking too slowly, but when you are anxious, it's actually a natural response to talk too fast.Try to visualize yourself doing well and remind yourself that you can make it through a presentation. When it's over, give yourself that credit!"}, {"questionTitle": "I have difficulty with communication", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "First of all, way to go in stretching yourself out of your comfort zone! You are sure to grow through all of this practice presenting to your peers, and that in itself will help to grow your confidence over time. In the meantime, do whatever you can to help yourself feel prepared for each presentation. Do your work ahead of time so that you feel well-informed on your topic, and then spend the days leading up to your presentation practicing. Do your presentation in the mirror, while you are driving (if it won't distract you from the road), and practice in front of a friend. On the day of the presentation, eat a balanced meal, get a pep talk from a supportive friend, use deep breathing to keep your body calm, and remind yourself that you are prepared. You got this!"}, {"questionTitle": "I have difficulty with communication", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "Have you tried rehearsing to yourself or a trusted friend what you will present to the class? The more confident you feel in a safe space, the more chance there will be of making the same presentation to a larger group.Giving presentations is not necessarily a difficulty with communication. It has more to do with performance than expressing yourself clearly.Practice, practice, and practice, until you see yourself improve in how you present.Also, keep in mind that whatever anxiety you may feel about making a mistake, the audience is almost alway much more forgiving than the person who feels anxious.Anxiety heightens fear, so whatever concerns you have, check if they are growing from anxiety instead of a realistic assessment of your abilities or audience receptivity.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I have difficulty with communication", "questionText": "I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?", "answerText": "I can offer you hypnosis for confidence in presentations, via Skype, if you're in Cali."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are on the right track. Recognizing these nagging thoughts of self- doubt as \"imposter syndrome\" is a huge step in the right direction. From what you have written here, it appears that you are able to challenge your own thoughts and provide yourself with evidence that counteracts the imposter syndrome. Continuing to remind yourself of what you have accomplished and looking at the facts at hand can help diminish doubt. Remember, many successful people battled imposter syndrome on the way to the top (and still manage it). It might be helpful to read some of their stories so that you don't feel alone. \"The Cut\" has a great article on \"25 Famous Women on Imposter-Syndrome and Self-Doubt\". Business Insider has a great article about men and the imposter syndrome too. Remember, if you jumped through all of the hoops to get into school and get published-- you belong."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "Impostor syndrome is such a common experience in graduate school and other high-pressure, competitive settings. I am glad to hear that you have some sense of your accomplishments, but I understand that it can be quite hard to internalize and truly believe them. Here are a few suggestions for overcoming impostor syndrome:Check your standards. Impostor syndrome is often connected to perfectionism, and you may be holding impossibly high standards for yourself. Do you believe you need to know everything, excel at everything, or be liked by everyone in order to succeed in graduate school? If so, nothing you accomplish will ever measure up to your ideals. Try shifting your focus away from achievement and onto development: what are you learning about yourself and your research, and how are you growing as a person and a scholar? This can help you appreciate yourself as a work in progress -- which all of us fundamentally are.Own your uniqueness. It can be easy to compare yourself to peers based on number of publications, fellowships, conferences, etc. But you are not a number. You are the only person in your program with your specific background, interests, and point of view. The more you own what makes you special and distinct from others, the more you're likely to feel that you have something to contribute to your program and to your field.Celebrate your successes. Positive psychology has demonstrated that we can retrain our minds by paying more attention to positive information. I recommend keeping a success journal and jotting down anything (large or small, concrete or abstract) that you feel proud of. Aim to make a few additions a day to it. You may find that through pointing out these daily victories to yourself, you start to accept more positive feedback and believe in yourself in a deeper way.Talk to trusted peers and mentors. Impostor syndrome flourishes in silence. If you have an advisor or colleague you can open up to, you will likely find that this person has experienced similar feelings, and that can be tremendously reassuring, because it shows you that impostor syndrome is a common phenomenon, not a manifestation of your inner unworthiness.A therapist can be an excellent resource on your graduate school journey to help you examine, challenge, and let go of your self-doubts. I wish you the best of luck in graduate school and beyond!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "First step is to remove the label of your behavior as a syndrome and instead understand the reasons for it.\"Imposter syndrome\" sounds like a name someone made up to write a book and have lots of people buy it bc it gives the feeling they know themselves by calling themselves this name.Instead, consider your own unique qualities including your fears of being recognized as adding value to people's lives.If you were told growing up that you're worthless, or if your chosen career goes against family advice and expectations, or if you simply are a shy person, then these would be the starting points to understand your reluctance to believe in yourself.The more you understand yourself and trust the truths you find as to who you are, the less you will feel fraudulent.Good luck in your career work!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "It would be very helpful to identify with you eventual pattern where theimposter syndrome is more or less present. Are there specific situations where you've noticed the feelings of \"I'm going to be found out as a fraud\" becoming more strong? It seems that shaking this feeling is very important to you. In my opinion, before shaking that feeling, we need to get closer to it and understand its roots. If you would like to get closer to the feeling, you might consider asking yourself questions such: \"What is the trigger for this feeling? How does it feel in the body? What is the thought process I engage with after noticing this feeling? All the best. Rossana Mag."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "Much of feeling like an imposter is about our comparing ourselves to others and carrying what others think. Make a note of what all leads you to feel as if you are an imposter and then as with a science experiment write down all the ways that hypothesis is incorrect, write down all the ways you are not a fraud. You are valid. View this video at your leisure.Negotiating With Inner Critic"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "According to research, one of the ways to manage imposter feelings is to explore the cognitive distortions that contribute to the negative emotions. Expert Jessica Vanderland, Ph.D a clinical psychologist. challenges individuals to examine the bigger picture and asked the question concerning what fact supports that you deserve to be in your role? Vanderland said, \"it can help to zoom out and consider how where you are now compares to where you were last year or five years ago.\" Vanderland recommended a simple exercise of exploring how you might help a friend who undermines their achievements and then apply the same supportive words to their your own narrative."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "What you described is so common for graduate students. When I was in graduate school, I felt the same way and continue to at times now even though I'm licensed!One of the things to know is that it's good to a certain degree to experience some self-doubt. It's what pushes you to keep learning in your field and grow professionally. When you are in graduate school, you're really at the beginning of that journey so of course you aren't expected to know everything or to feel like you have mastered what you've learned.Do you have a professor you are comfortable discussing this with? Or maybe a fellow student you feel a connection with? It can be helpful to discuss these concerns with people that might understand what you are going through and can offer some guidance or make you feel less alone in it.Something I do to quiet that \"imposter voice\" is make sure I'm not giving attention to comparisons. That's a one way ticket to feeling incompetent. Even comparing yourself to others in graduate school is unhelpful because what we think people know and what they actually know can be distorted based on how confident we feel in our own abilities. Look at your accomplishments and the things you have truly learned. You obviously put in some incredibly hard work to make it into graduate school. How much credit are you giving yourself for what you already have done or know?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "Imposted Syndrome is often linked to feelings of shame - shame about our own inadequacies, our imperfections, the limits of our knowledge or abilities. It's based on the belief that in order to be valuable, you must be perfect. Often times, the standards for this are so unrealistic, that when we really look at them, we can cognitively see that it's impossible to achieve. Here are a few of the common beliefs that typically underlie Imposter Syndrome:I must know everything there is to know about this and have no gaps in my knowledgeI must be perfect at every task the first time I tryI must never make mistakesI must always appear confident and never let on that I have any doubtsSo in order to appear valuable, you must hide your imperfections. The only problem is that this behavior does a few things that actually keeps you stuck in Imposter Syndrome.Hiding things you're ashamed of (such as your lack of knowledge in a new area) only reinforces the emotional feeling that this is \"bad\" or \"wrong\"It keeps you from having the experience of others knowing you're not perfect and still accepting and valuing you anywayIt keeps you from asking for help or information when you might need it, making it more likely your performance will actually sufferIt can cause you to come off as not needing support or guidance, so that will be given to others who acknowledge their imperfections and limitations openlyIn order to decrease the feeling of Imposter Syndrome, it can be helpful to take small steps such as asking for help, information, or clarification when you need it; acknowledging the limits of your experience of knowledge; and taking every practice as a learning experience rather than a test of whether or not you deserve to be there."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "\"Imposter Syndrome\" is a basic effect is a dishonest cause.Basically, there is a fundamental lack of honesty in some important parts of your life (my guess would be relationships) that has led to this sense of dread and guilt.I wonder where the dishonesty be..."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over \"imposter syndrome\"?", "questionText": "I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?", "answerText": "I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You've probably read articles already about impostor syndrome, but still didn't get the answers you were looking for; you probably know that lots of people feel this way, that it happens to lots of successful people in professional settings. Not helping, right?Think about people who succeed at big tasks: an Olympic athlete has a defined goal that they need to meet: cross the finish line, say, faster than anyone else. That success is remarked upon, and - until someone does the event better than they did - they are 'the best.' Grad school, however, is not so great at discrete goals and celebrations of success. You got a good grade on an assignment, but what about the next one? You and 6 other people in your class probably got the same grade, so does that make you a success or average?It falls to you, then, to identify ways you are sure you've succeeded. If your grades and peer admiration aren't hallmarks of success enough, perhaps pull your measuring tool inward: measure your achievements against your own progress- ie: I got a 93 on my last assignment, I got a 97 this time! You might find those feelings fading soon~"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "There's a lot of layers there to your situation, and I'm focusing on two layers that may be contributing to your feelings of discomfort around others. One layer is the daunting news that your son has autism. Many parents can feel overwhelmed and distraught with this diagnosis. The vast array of treatments available is daunting in and of itself at times to wrap one's head around. Taking time to reflect or seek out therapy regarding how this diagnosis has impacted you may be helpful. Some parents feel their individual identity gets lost in the diagnosis because they have dropped everything to help their child, and others may experience guilt. If either of these or other feelings come to the forefront for you, it may be worth working through them with a therapist. A support group list is available through www.autismspeaks.org and may help connect you with others raising children with autism.A second layer is the abusive relationship you were involved in. The trauma you experienced in this relationship may have a very meaningful impact on your ability to trust and to be intimate with others. Engaging with a therapist can help facilitate the healing process, as well as paving the way for more comfortable and trusting relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "Take small steps each day. Go around a few people, take a walk, and smile or wave at others. Strike up a conversation in the grocery aisle. Think of topics you enjoy and would like to share, could talk about, to break the ice. Maybe call some friends you once had and reconnect. Go at a pace that feels comfortable and in time you could release the reclusive energy to embrace a more social you. This video could be beneficial also. How To Make Friends As An Adult"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "I have to start off by saying that I admire you so much for your devotion to your son and the fact that you stopped working to focus on and care for him. That cannot have been easy! Not to mention being in an abusive relationship where you are made to fear for your physical but also your emotional safety. You may or may not believe this- but it sounds like youre a really strong person. And it also sounds like you want to feel better about yourself and be social with others, however you dont know how to do that right now because like any normal person who has been harmed by someone and who has felt unsafe by someone you may not trust so easily, you are out of practice with being around others and having healthy relationships, and because of what you have been through you get anxiety from being social. The fact that you want to change that though is a huge positive. Was there ever a time when you didnt feel nervous around others? Was there ever a time when you did feel comfortable around people? What goes through your mind when the idea of socializing comes up? These are some questions to explore in order to determine how you could feel more comfortable around people. In order to really answer your question I feel I need more information from you. In the meantime though, the first step is to recognize that you are not abnormal in your feelings, QUITE the opposite, and to not put pressure on yourself when you feel nervous around others. My suggestion is to seek therapy so that someone can make more specific recommendations by asking you some more questions, as more information is needed to really assist. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "Its understandable that you would feel this way considering what you have been and are going through with your son and the past abusive relationship. It sounds like you got into a pattern of being home with your son and not around others for a while so understandably you have gotten used to this lifestyle. That makes it harder but not impossible to get back out there and be around other people and begin to feel more comfortable around others again. You can do this by taking baby steps. Take it slow, try reaching out to one person who you know and like and maybe meet them for coffee. Try putting yourself in a setting that feels non threatening to outside your home and is something you can also enjoy even with your son, depending on his needs. It will take time as you probably want to process your feelings about what you went through but you can get there. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "It might be helpful to have a good understanding of the \"why\" in terms of feeling nervous around people, or the difficulty in developing more comfort. If your discomfort is somehow related to your son's diagnosis or your lack of employment, or an abusive relationship you were in and maybe embarrassed about, that is important to understand, and get clarity around.When we can understand on a deep level what is happening for us (i.e., where does fear come into this, and what's it about) we can give ourselves empathy. Everyone struggles in some aspect, so to not necessarily think of yourself as pathological is a first step. Sometimes being around people can trigger an anxiety related to being \"good enough\" that goes back a ways in our history. If any of the above is true, it would need acknowledgement and care from you, as opposed to shaming that experience (in the hopes it would just go away), because this experience is very real for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "I'd wonder first if you were still in the same home and neighborhood where you raised your son and experienced the abuse? In many ways, we react to our environments - and if you're still surrounded by neighbors who didn't reach out when they heard your ex yelling or offer assistance and resources when your son acted differently than his peers, it might make sense that you're more timid around folks. It might also be worth thinking about where your bar is set: do you want to be as comfortable around people as you were before your recent circumstances? Or find your new normal, and connect only with people who raise you up and bolster your self-esteem? You have the right to be both cautious (if you're still surrounded by the same folks and environment) and discerning - only connecting with people who will be supportive. All the best~"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "It sounds like you have taken on a caretaker role for a while as well as experienced some pretty severe interpersonal trauma. It makes sense that you would feel nervous around people. Working through the trauma of an abusive relationship in itself can be a difficult process. And then to add on the caretaker part can make things even more difficult. First off, you may want to seek support to work through what you have experienced. Many cities offer support with survivors of domestic violence and there is a hotline to help with this 888-724-7240 as well as online resources. Processing the isolation of this relationship as well as working with your son can help to overcome the anxiety related to others. Accessing autism support networks may be of support as well. Other parents that will understand your experiences are a good and tend to be safer place to start in attempting to connect to others.Very importantly, go slow and be kind to yourself as you begin to adapt to a new life of allowing others to care for you as you so clearly have for others."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "I would look at getting engaged with a support network of individuals who may also have autistic children. They will understand some of the things that you are experiencing at home and you may also find someone who feels that same way as you. If you have not sought professional counseling for the abusive relationship I would seek out a therapist who can help you process through it so you do not repeat similar choices in your next relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to feel more comfortable around people", "questionText": "My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", "answerText": "Probably a good portion of living like a recluse was necessary so you had time to rest and recuperate from so much major adjustment in your life.Have you told some of the people in your life about the many changes you've been through? It is possible people sense something different about you and aren't sure whether to ask or not ask questions.Also, understand what type of qualities you'd like to offer and receive in a friendship. Given that raising a kid who has autism takes a lot of energy and time, the way you socialize will change.Start with one person whom you're pretty sure would welcome you and whom you would gain by bringing them into your life.As a result of how this interaction goes, how you decide to spend your time together, what you'll discuss, you will know more about yourself and what you require to feel good around other people.Then, you can consider if you're ready to add others into your world."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "Possibly you haven't completed your phase of mourning the recently passed relationship and lifestyle which surrounded it.Relationship breakups mean a person's entire life goes through an adjustment since the relationship impacted all areas of your life.Give yourself some patience to restore yourself from the old relationship.When you feel whole again then more than likely you will lose some of the anxiety wondering what your new casual partner feels about you.And instead of wondering, you may simply decide to ask the person your question!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "Hello. What you are experiencing is entirely reasonable for someone that is still trying to adjust to a new life and also leave behind a long term relationship. It sounds like you lost touch with who you were as a person and need to start exploring that side of you again. Spend time doing things that you have been putting off, or did not do because you were involved. Take the time to become one with yourself before you get into another serious relationship. Regaining self-confidence on yourself will help you with all other areas of life. It is time to make you a priority and to start focusing on your mental and physical well being. Get connected with your community and find things you would want to do that give you purpose and lift you. Before too long you will be in your way to being content and in total control of your mind and at peace. Best of luck. Mirella~"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "One way to find peace and contentment is to self-generate the love, acceptance, validation, and belonging you crave from others, inside yourself. Working thru how you came to a point where the sum total of your worth is based on others opinions of you and how your career, relationship status, etc., became a determining factor in how you value your worth. Society often uses these variables and tools to measure someones worth and our worth is not wrapped in those things, especially not those things alone! I would like to share these two videos.Never Leave Yourself5 Signs"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "It takes time and must be on YOUR TIME. I have some free meditations on my site you can check out and other tools. Breathwork is a big one. There are meditations you can join as a group or individual online anywhere anytime. When you become a client of mine I offer this and it is wonderful plus other fun stuff"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "You are so self aware! That has to be refreshing just knowing that about yourself! It takes time to reset those new pathways to in your brain. You brain has to sense that the experiences you are having are enough to be okay. What are you looking for? When you can answer that question, it will also be helpful to calm that anxiety. If you are looking for commitment from this person, but you are seeing them casually, do they know and are they looking for commitment as well?What does being content and at peace with yourself mean? Have you dated yourself? There's a page that I point other single people to on instagram #dearfuturehim, check it out. This girl is all about what to do while you are waiting and single, she also talks about being content and the \"business of the brain\" when you're single.Lastly, I would talk to someone who can help you with the anxiety, especially if it's that strong. It's helpful to be able to get some help with how to be more relaxed. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "It sounds to me like you would benefit from mindfulness practice and self-compassion practice.What is mindfulness?Mindfulness, in short, is the practice of bringing a non-judgmental awareness to the present moment. This meditative tradition stems from Buddhism and was brought to the West by Zen teachers who made them more accessible for Westerners.If youve ever taken a yoga class or played a guided meditation wherein you were encouraged to focus on your breath without changing it, feel the sensations on your skin and bring awareness to tension in your body, youve practiced mindfulness.What is self-compassion?We often hear about self-esteem as something we need to increase for optimal mental health. The problem with self-esteem is that it ebbs and flows based on external factors such as if you have a good job or if you have a romantic relationship.A much better place to put your energy into is developing self-compassion, which is being kind to yourself no matter what your circumstances look like. Over time, self-compassion acts as the building blocks for self-love, which no one or nothing can take away from you.Why develop these practices?When you can practice mindfulness and self-compassion in tandem, then you bring more acceptance and understanding to your life circumstances instead of judging yourself for not having the perfect life.I hope this is helpful and I wish you all the best. If youre interested in this type of approach a holistic therapist can help you learn these tools and put them into daily practice."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "Endings in relationship are difficult, and my heart goes out to you. It is difficult to start again, but not impossible. After a break up we may loss our identify and grieve what could have been, and some other aspects that are brought up to the surface. You recognize that you have become needy and unsure. I wonder, if you have grieved properly. The end of a relationship can trigger our inner insecurities, and I think it would benefit you to go within yourself and explore where are these feelings coming from. Your anxiety may be trying to tell you something that you needs your attention. This is work that you need to take time with, and I am not sure other entanglements helps you to heal or distract you from going deeper into healing regardless of your status, career. Being content means a state of openness and peace, and acceptance. Wish you healing and hope!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "It appears to me that you feel unmoored as a result of the break and the experience has triggered some self- doubt and anxiety. Your lack of self- belief seems to further propel you to seek validation from the person you are casually involved with.One of the ways to find peace within yourself could be to engage in life and find fulfillment in healthy experiences.. Theorist Karen Horney considered this approach a form of therapy. She taught that most individuals could thrive once their fears and anxieties had been alleviated.I hope that will practice self acceptance daily be using expressive writing to document the areas of your life you are thankful for and that bring you joy."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "Millions of people deal with anxiety disorders on a daily basis. Whether its a result of a specific phobia, a traumatic event, or just generalized worry, anxiety disorders take a toll on our mind and health. There is help for anxiety disorder sufferers, and therapy is the first place to start.If you deal with an anxiety disorder you most likely have looked into ways you can help calm your emotional roller coaster. Perhaps youve even tried some self-help techniques in the past. While these methods can provide some relief, its often temporary.To rid yourself of overwhelming anxiety once and for all, youve got to get to the root cause of it the underlying factors. A therapist can help you identify and eliminate these underlying factors.If you are suffering from an anxiety disorder, here are 3 ways therapy can help:1. Uncover Root Causes of the Anxiety DisorderLike any other health issue, effective treatment gets to the root cause. For instance, your doctor can either prescribe a medication to try and manage your hypertension symptoms, or she can request you clean up your diet and exercise, addressing the root causes of your high blood pressure.A therapist will assist you in accessing your emotional world so you can study your thoughts and feelings and uncover patterns. Often, unhealthy beliefs and thoughts lie at the root of anxiety. Once you identify what is causing you anxiety, your therapist can begin to create a plan to help you face these underlying issues calmly and confidently.2. Therapy Helps You Change Your BehaviorsWeve just talked a little about therapy helping you uncover the thoughts and beliefs that are causing the anxiety. Those thoughts and beliefs are not only making youfeelbad, they are causing you to have certain behaviors that may result in negative consequences.For instance, your anxiety leads to insomnia or denial of intimate social connections. Therapy will help you make lifestyle and behavioral changes. Youll learn how to cope with difficult situations in a more relaxed manner. Therapy will help you to stop avoiding certain people and situations and develop a calmer and more balanced sense of self.3. Therapy Offers Continued Personalized SupportAll change is hard, even change thats ultimately good for you. One of the biggest benefits of therapy is that it offers continual personalized support. Your therapist wants to see you succeed and will offer encouragement and advice without judgement.If youve been living with anxiety, know that you dont have to deal with it alone. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, contact a mental health professional."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "Moving on from a long term relationship can be difficult. Sometimes we can lose a sense of who we are because in a way we have become defined by the relationship itself. So, when we begin to move on and see other people, our sense of identity may be obscured. The tendency is to seek out validation to give us a feeling of worthiness. That it's ok to move on and be happy. This is a relatively normal reaction. It's important to treat yourself with kindness and compassion through this time in your life. Mindful self-compassion can be a great way to begin the process of getting that sense of who you are back and what you want in a relationship. I think its important to look back, learn what you can from the previous relationship, and become a better person for it in the future. At the same time, taking the necessary time to nuture yourself on a mind, body, and spirit level. Self-compassion allows you to turn inward and except all facets of who you are. It improves your capacity for love, vulnerability, emotional openness, social interconnectedness, and self-respect. My philosophy is holistic, collaborative, and accepting. The cornerstone of my treatment philosophy is mindfulness and other evidenced based integrative modalities. I work as your ally to help you cultivate abundant self-compassion in your life, so that you can have the types of relationships you want."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to be content and at peace?", "questionText": "I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?", "answerText": "A break up, even one that you initiated, may deserve some time and space to allow it to be complete.There's a few ideas I'll throw out there and you can choose if they stick. One is to re-invest in the friendships you have by setting up regular coffee get-togethers for example. Two, get out in nature. It's hard to ignore how grand and patient nature is, and it sometimes takes the pressure off what we should be and instead allows us to be. And the last one I'll throw out there is to invest your time and energy in a project or achievement you've wanted to do for a while, but that perhaps you didn't have the time to. Something related to a hobby such as sports or music, or related to your career. Something that is 'for' you.Life knocks us off balance at times, and that's ok. Self-questioning during these times can be a healthy endeavor. Should you follow any of the advice on this website, continue to be kind to yourself about what you're feeling, and curious about why you're feeling that way."}, {"questionTitle": "I always fear that people are judging me", "questionText": "I know this fear doesn't make sense. How can I overcome it?", "answerText": "We often feel people are judging us, because we are judging ourselves. Investigating how you feel about yourself, your own self confidence can be a Segway into why you feel others are judging you and also why others opinions matter and if you are using that as the scale by which you estimate the total sum of your worth."}, {"questionTitle": "I always fear that people are judging me", "questionText": "I know this fear doesn't make sense. How can I overcome it?", "answerText": "Your fear may not seem \"rational\" but that doesn't mean it doesn't make sense! There's 100% a reason for why this fear happens for you. Most everyone has this fear because we are social animals and need to care what others think of us sometimes. When it becomes a bigger issue is when it keeps you from enjoying your life or interferes with your functioning.Do you think it may have to do with uncertainty of what others may be thinking of you? Or that people will ultimately reject you? Sometimes when we don't know what others think, we assume they judge. This is especially true if you've experienced direct judgment or bullying in your past, or if a significant parent or caregiver in your life made you feel shame.When I have a client that often fears others are judging them, I have them list out the evidence they see to support that. What evidence is there to tell you that someone is judging you? If you take something as evidence, also ask yourself if they behave the same with other people. When we fear judgment, we often micro-analyze and misinterpret people's body language to mean something it doesn't.It can also help to make a mental or actual list of other possibilities. Most people are concerned about what others are thinking of them, so it's possible people you interact with are wondering what you think of them. It's also possible they are judging you positively--what are some things in this category that people have told you about how they see you? Sometimes taking feedback from people closest to you whom you trust can be the most accurate representation of how others may see you.Counseling could be a great option as well because I guarantee these fears will show up in sessions and that's GOOD. It gives you a chance to process them with someone who will help you understand these fears and may even give you genuine feedback about how they perceive you (at the right time). It can be very healing!"}, {"questionTitle": "I always fear that people are judging me", "questionText": "I know this fear doesn't make sense. How can I overcome it?", "answerText": "No, it makes sense :)Consider today how social media has impacted the mind and heart of man;Is it not so extraordinarily easy to make one appear stellar on social media today? Heh heh, I've long since joked that the definition of a party is: \"A series of photos to lie with.\"When I peel back the awareness of others' \"judgment\", what I find is excitement of wanting to express themselves too...It's funny how America is one of the few lands on the planet where folks are able to mess up and try it again; on most other places, if you mess up, there is such deep shame in it, that it may lead to one taking one's life;"}, {"questionTitle": "I always fear that people are judging me", "questionText": "I know this fear doesn't make sense. How can I overcome it?", "answerText": "Stop caring about what you imagine people are thinking about you!Really this is the simple and complicated answer to feel better about your situation.Maybe someone is judging you, maybe someone isn't judging you.Until the person tells you directly what they don't like about you, there's nothing you can do.It is okay that the fear doesn't make sense, most fears don't make sense."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "What about large crowds leads you to feel angry? I can understand your not liking or enjoying being around other people. Animals are often more compassionate. It sounds like you experience a lot of social anxiety? Would you feel comfortable starting out with smaller groups of people, maybe people who share your interest, especially around animals? Maybe practice topics of conversation you feel confident to discuss which could take the pressure off being in a social setting."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Reading this question makes me think of melancholy and phlegmatic temperaments. People with such a temperaments do not need to be in large crowds in order to feel included. They actually get so angry if they feel forced to be around people. They need small social settings to feel included and if they do not know this, they feel angry, scared and nervous because it is not their territory. They do not thrive well in big crowds and so they struggle. They also feel more comfortable in small social settings with people that are familiar to them.It's helpful if you can get a copy of your temperament results to help you identify your socializing needs so that you can meet them in a healthy way.The other tendencies melancholies have is that they are constantly thinking and have a fear of being rejected. These are stressful moments that needs to be managed. You can use cognitive behavioral therapy to ration your way of thinking.You may need to develop social and relationship skills so that you do not get overly stressed by relationships.The last thing is that allow yourself to choose the places and the time you can be around people so that you do not feel forced to be around people."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "One of the things to ponder on is a) how long has this been going on? b) what event/situation occurred during that time? c) what was the story you told yourself about the event? As an anxiety specialist and sufferer, often anxiety comes from some painful past learning/experience. Something that may have caused shame, guilt, embarrassment, etc. Traumatic events (or at least situations that were traumatizing to you) may be of issue. Anxiety is often caused by either thinking/living in the past or future, as well as comparison to others. Keeping a thought record, having someone help you identify the core issue and unpack that and re-assign a new meaning to the event, situation and frankly yourself will be invaluable. Always remember -- Doing the same thing gives you the same results, doing something different, can possibly give you different results. Keep grindin' (in seeking to learn) and you will rise!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Social anxiety is a type of anxiety disorders and you need to consult a mental health professional."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like you may be suffering from social anxiety. People who are socially anxious often feel nervous and scared when they are surrounded by people especially in a social setting. Some people find that although they want to be social and have people to talk to they are scared of being judged, feeling awkward, feeling like they don't fit in etc. If you want to try and get in touch with others start small. Some of examples can be- volunteering at at an animal shelter since you prefer animals, making a phone call to someone you know and feel comfortable with to reach out to, talk to people via text and/or face-time. Take the time to talk to a therapist about your feelings this can help you sort out your anxiety and be able to overcome it!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "That's a great question. The easy answer is to do some Brain/bodyspotting to explore those feelings and where they manifest or live in your body. I'm curious too how long you've felt this way or if anything triggered it? I would explore this further to find relief."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "First, there is nothing wrong with you. These feelings you are sharing are perfectly normal responses to anxiety-inducing moments in life. As a Clinical Anxiety treatment professional, I would recommend learning some basic coping skills such as deep breathing and grounding techniques. These coping skills can often give you a moment to focus within and use more advanced skills.Racing thoughts and rumination (thinking about the past) can be exhausting, especially when affecting our sleep. Some of my clients have found it useful in their treatment to have a journal next to their bed. Within this journal, they would write down some of the thoughts going through their mind. Other things clients have practiced is sleep hygiene, mindfulness practices, and exercise."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "First off, I commend your vulnerability in opening up here online about what is going on with you and Im glad to see youre wanting to seek answers and help for understanding your situation better. There are many mental health issues that involve an individual experiencing social difficulties, such as the ones you mentioned here.As the therapists here, including myself, have such limited information as to what youre going through, it would be unwise for any of us to suggest a diagnosis for you. The best option for you would be to see a professional therapist or psychologist who could get the appropriate background information and make an accurate diagnosis.Once you have a diagnosis, then your therapist can make suggestions as to the best treatment plan moving forward, which may include a psychiatric evaluation for medications, ongoing individual therapyand potentially even group therapy. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right professional for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi There...do you find it is just in crowds or do you find it when you are around other people as well? Like if someone is angry you can feel their anger? if they are sad, you feel their sadness? Are the thoughts and conversations sometimes mean and then you feel guilty, and then feel bad about yourself? Sometimes this happens when people have anxiety, but it can also happen when you are a highly sensitive person. (Check out Elaine Aron's website HSPersons.com). Essentially, HSPs have more mirror neurons (the ones that reflect back to you other people's emotions) in their brain so the pick up other people's energy and then things like crowds can feel overstimulating for them. We then imaging ourselves in other's shoes, and it can create a guilt loop. A good therapist should be able to help you identify what is happening for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "First, let me say that I am so sorry for all of the discomfort you have experienced. It sounds like, although you said you don't like people, I am guessing it starts with not feeling very likable yourself. The \"conversations\" you describe having are not really conversations at all -- they are more like an audiotape of self-criticism that plays and re-plays in your head. Then you attribute these criticisms to other people, as if you can read their minds and know that this is automatically what they think of you. This is exhausting: no wonder you don't want to hang around other people!It's impossible to know from a quick paragraph why you are experiencing this kind of anxiety and whether the origins are biochemical (genetic), behavioral, due to unresolved trauma, or something else. But I think it's worth it to explore this with a professional, who -- once they help you identify more specifics -- can suggest a path for significantly improving the quality of your thoughts about yourself, help you develop self-compassion, and work with you on changing these automatic negative thoughts that pop up and get in the way of all of your relationships. Best of luck to you on the path to healing."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "You are not alone. Lots of people are uncomfortable around other people and especially in large crowds. In therapy, I would want to know more about your feelings with people you ARE close to such as family, friends, or coworkers, how long you've had these feelings, and if there are times when other people are fine. Sometimes this type of feeling can be traced to specific experiences and that's where I would start. Counseling could help you find the root of these feelings and help find ways to cope when you find yourself in a situation where you're around people."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "It can be hard to figure out why certain situations lead you to feel angry, or fearful. We all have certain rules/beliefs about living life that were created over time. When our minds seem to never shut off it can be helpful to spend some time in the present moment you are in. I am guessing that when you're having conversations in your head that you are either re-living past feelings about something that happened, or you are thinking about things that are to come possibly with dread or fear.Overall, we are not always good about staying present in the moment, with all the distractions and demands in life it is easy to spend your sleeping hours planning for the next day or thinking about an interaction you had that didn't go the way you hoped it would.Practicing mindfulness along with learning how to connect your thoughts to actions would be a great starting point. To do this spend some time making connections between what you think and what you feel. When you are in a public situation and you begin to feel uncomfortable or you notice that you are getting angry, stop for a moment and ask yourself, 'what was I just thinking about?\". Perhaps a \"should\" rule of your own was broken by another person, leaving you feeling hurt or disregarded.We are often unable to control the people or things that trigger our anger, but we can control how we react to situations that make us angry. When this is hard to do, separate yourself from the situation if you can, then take time to breathe, slow down your thoughts and visualize yourself in a place that calms you. As you take in the moment give yourself permission to linger in this place long enough to change the thoughts that led to the anger. If you continue to have difficulty shutting off your mind at the end of the day, try one of the many helpful apps that offer mindfulness routines, sleep stories, and other sleep-inducing activities."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "First of all, having these thoughts and feelings does not mean there is something wrong with you. It's very normal to worry about social relationships and how others see us because we need other people in our lives to survive and thrive.It sounds like you may have some social anxiety, which is very workable and treatable. Rumination is a common way the brain attempts to deal with the worry that stems from social anxiety, though not effectively. One way we ruminate is to try to excessively plan out what we will say and how we will act in social situations that may never even occur, which ultimately ends in a lot of unneeded psychological pain and stress.One way to cope with those thoughts is to write about the worries you have. When we write, it forces us to slow down the thought process, which can allow for more clarity and other information to come through about our experiences. Another benefit for this is to externalize the thoughts and feelings you are having; this can really help to organize your thoughts and feelings as well as put them outside of the mind.Seeing a counselor may be helpful as well. They can help sort through your anxieties and the underlying reasons why they may exist. They can also help with individualized coping strategies and tasks that will fit for your personal needs."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "It's common with social anxiety to replay or \"pre-play\" conversations in your mind - often focusing on how you believe it did or could go wrong. CBT can be helpful in pinpointing what's keeping this cycle of anxiety and avoidance going for you if it's something you wish to change. It's also important to note that adults who struggle with feeling nervous or scared in social situations often have similar experiences in childhood - namely being criticized by parents, siblings, or peers for how they speak, interact, appear, or express themselves. This often creates a pattern of becoming very self-conscious in an effort to avoid shame and embarrassment in social interactions. Working with a therapist to process through these thinking patterns and the behaviors that come from them can help to start decreasing anxiety and anger around social interactions and more importantly decreasing feelings of shame and anxiety about the way you express yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "What you are experiencing is totally normal and these emotions mean you are human! Humans are social creatures who were created to be in connection with others, but sometimes our life experiences or genetics can make that more difficult for some of us.It is possible that these reactions are based on negative reactions you have had with others in the past, maybe your family, or other traumatic interactions with others. It is also possible that they are caused by an underlying condition such as anxiety or depression, which may cause you to be more uncomfortable around others or annoyed by others. Some people are also more bothered by crowded spaces, loud interactions, and the actions of others.Of course you prefer animals (me too!), they provide unconditional love and support, do not judge you, and do not require you to have conversations with them.The fact that you have conversations in your head at night tells me that although you say you do not like people, you are craving some social connection. What is probably the case is that you were never really taught how to interact and have those conversations. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you, you just need a little help learning how to have these conversations and taking some healthy risks to initiate conversations and that is something that I help many of my clients with in therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this! While animals can be a wonderful way to experience emotional support, you may want to consider opening up to a Life Coach or therapist to discuss some of your concerns. You are not alone, and many people are experiencing very similar anxieties. A Life Coach or professional therapist could help to guide you through these emotions and refer you to additional professional help if needed. It sounds as though you want to address some of these issues by first asking the question. Finding additional support from a trained professional whom you feel comfortable with could be the best way to get the help that you need. I wish you the best of luck on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "You are a unique individual exhibiting some of the traits of a specific type of temperament. Through temperament counseling you can come to know, accept, and manage your God-given temperament to become all that God intended. There is nothing wrong with you -- God loves you as you are and wants to help you balance your temperament needs."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "The thing I picked up immediately in what you're asking is how you don't like other people because \"they make me nervous and scared.\" If someone said that to me in a therapy session, I'd want to understand this much more with them, and what this \"nervous and scared\" experience is all about: perhaps starting with the question, \"what's the earliest memory you have of feeling uncomfortable around people.\" The idea would be to try to understand all of what it means for you to be around people, and the history of the experience, without labeling it wrong or passing judgment on it.From there what might come is that certain people, and their character traits, might be harder to be around for you because of experiences that you've had with similar situations in your life. Or, it could certainly be something completely different. It would be most important to understand it much more deeply considering the amount of distress it causes you, and in doing so we could begin to see it as \"normal for me.\""}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "What you're experiencing is anxiety, it's actually quite common. Good news - you're not alone in this experience! That being said, it can be so frustrating and upsetting to have to contend with the anxious thoughts that come up in our heads, sometimes without any warning. Additionally, nighttime is a particularly vulnerable time for a lot of people wherein anxiety rears its' ugly head even more so. We aren't as distracted at night and our resources are more depleted so we can't fight back against these thoughts as effectively as usual.It can be helpful to externalize our anxiety, give it a name, like \"Judy\" or \"Bill\" for example (or perhaps something more sinister like Lord Garmadon??). The naming is all up to you, what comes to mind for you when you think of your anxiety, now what is a name that's fitting? The act of externalizing separates us from the anxiety a bit and makes it a little more tolerable. If you can think of your anxiety as just something else to handle rather than it being a part of your personality, this is usually helpful.Additionally, I recommend not avoiding the situations that make you feel this way. Our brains have to learn what is an actual threat and what is not. Right now, your brain thinks that crowds are a threat, if you can practice some deep breathing and stay in the crowd, you will start to teach (or rewire) your brain, letting it know that the crowd is not dangerous to you. Think of your brain as an overprotective parent. Your brain is overreacting in these situations to try and keep you safe. It just needs to learn that the situation is not a danger to begin with."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "I think you have a lot of insight into whats going on - being able to pinpoint the issue youre facing and describe the responses it evokes. It sounds like you may be dealing with social anxiety and it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor about this. A therapist can help you develop tools (or coping strategies) for dealing with these situations. From what youve shared, you might benefit from animal assisted therapy. Equine therapy is a great approach, or even just working with a therapist who uses animal assisted therapy integrated with a traditional approach to counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Reaching out to talk about these issues is an important first step. Finding professional services might be recommended if these issues are happening more and more. A few things to note...Anger is an important secondary feeling to be aware of- it keeps us safe, allows us to stand up for ourselves or others....but it also harbors a myriad of disadvantages. But its secondary. It's more necessary to understand the primary emotions behind the anger- worry, confusion, frustration, fear, loneliness, etc...Anxiety has a lot to do with worrying about the future, especially things that we might not be able to control. If we focus our worry on negative things- mistakes, failures, or messups then we will inherently tell ourselves negative things about ourselves. People tend to dwell on the negatives without embracing, or as t least recognizing, the positives."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable in large crowds, or large family gatherings. You may worry about not fitting in, or having anything to say. It is important to have a friend or two. Try to find someone with similar interests. Maybe you can do things that don't involve a lot of face to face contact, like going to see a movie, play or sporting event. Many people are perfectly happy doing things in small groups. If you have ongoing conversations in your head, it is usually due to worry about being judged, and wanting to do or say the exact right thing, as mentioned above. Finding someone to talk to, either a supportive friend or therapist, would allow you to get some of those thoughts our of your head, and realize that you are more accepted than you think. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Since you're aware of your sensitivity to being among large groups of people, then continue to satisfy this and stay away from crowds as much as reasonably possible.It is also fine to prefer the companionship of animals, as long as it is not to the exclusion of relationships with people.Recognizing this feature about yourself is another example of self-understanding.The only point to consider is the reason you avoid talking with other people.If its because of bad or stressful encounters, betrayals or some type of violation, then having this relationship pattern remain in your mind, may introduce new problems such as loneliness from lack of close friends.What you should do is honestly understand whether you avoid people from fear of being hurt or exploited in some way or because you genuinely prefer solitude.If you have the right combination of people/solitude/animals, then great!If not, then consider the confidential office of a therapist for new understanding of yourself and your social interests."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "Thanks for sharing your concern! I think you'd be surprised if you knew how many people feel the same way. Being in crowds can provoke anxiety (one of the symptoms of anxiety is irritability or anger, like you described). For some people, that's just because of their personality (if you tend to be more introverted, being around lot of people is really draining). For others, it can point to a diagnosis of social anxiety.I'd recommend starting by writing down your self-talk. It sounds like you are telling yourself a lot of negative messages (as you mentioned, having imaginary conversations and assuming people are judging you). Write down the thoughts that are leading to you feeling terrible and crying. Maybe that's: I'm stupid, Everyone else is having a good time so I should be too, There's something wrong with me. Just writing these down is an important starting point because it allows you to be objective to your thoughts. When you see them on paper, you can start to identify the lies and reframe them. Next to your negative thoughts, write some positives: I have something to offer, I'm okay the way I am, It's okay to prefer 1:1 relationships, etc. Hopefully even as you read some of those suggestions, you feel a little lighter and more okay with yourself.Take care!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel really uncomfortable around other people", "questionText": "When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?", "answerText": "So amazing that you are aware of your social anxiety and distress with others you are in relationships with. You have taken the first step toward a journey of healing!Secondly, make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in neurofeedback and biofeedback treatment. A test is needed to determine which areas of your brain are on and which areas of your brain are off. Then it will be focused treatment which will speed your healing."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with separation anxiety while boyfriend is out of town?", "questionText": "I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?", "answerText": "Relationships at any amount of distance can be so hard! It makes sense that you are encountering more anxiety than usual given that major change in your relationship. And you're right that being separated from our partners can heighten our insecurities and worries about not only our relationship security but about our partner's interest. Have you talked with your boyfriend about this struggle you're feeling? It can be hard to have this kind of conversation without triggering a sense of blame and subsequent defensiveness in our partners, but it really is possible. If you have any concerns about being able to do this, then a session or two with a local counselor or therapist might be really helpful - and it really can be just about finding the way to share what you're feeling.As far as coping with anxiety, there are a lot of options but I highly recommend an app called Self-Help for Anxiety Management. There's so much good information in this app to help you learn to pay attention to what kinds of thoughts are helpful or unhelpful, and there are also lots of activities for calming down and decreasing the intensity of that anxiety. The best part is, it's free!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with separation anxiety while boyfriend is out of town?", "questionText": "I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?", "answerText": "In a way, yes, you have separation anxiety. It's normal in a relationship for us to slow down a bit with the attachment behaviours that establish and deepen love and connection. So, just because your boyfriend isn't talking as much or keeping you up-to-date doesn't necessarily mean what you fear it means...that he's forgotten about you or loves you less. It could mean quite the opposite...that he's focused on being successful in his new job and impressing you. He may think he's loving you more, but you feel loved less. You have two jobs to do here. The first is to manage your anxiety by \"talking back\" to the thoughts it puts into your head. It sounds like \"It's normal to be insecure, but I have tons of evidence that he loves me and that I mean the world to him...\" Find that evidence that helps you refute what anxiety is trying to claim. The second part of your job is to let him know what you need. You need more affection and connection during this period when he's away (more texts, phone calls, information). It's okay to want that, and I am sure he will be relieved to know exactly what he can do to help you feel secure and calm when he's away."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with separation anxiety while boyfriend is out of town?", "questionText": "I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?", "answerText": "First step is to tell your boyfriend the reasons you feel upset.This way he has a chance to answer your questions as to why he doesn't keep in touch.His responses will guide your next steps.There is a difference between his unavailability due to a heavy workload or because he has less interest in the relationship.In order to work with his current behavior you first need to find out why it is happening."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with separation anxiety while boyfriend is out of town?", "questionText": "I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. Im not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesnt keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I dont know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?", "answerText": "Consider talking with your boyfriend about times that you may be able to talk together while he is away. This way, you have an idea when you'll be able to contact him. Does he recognize the feelings that you have while he is away? How do you feel when you are together with him and he is home?I'm also curious as to how the level of your anxiety (on a scale of 1 to 10, perhaps) changes during the parts of his trips. Maybe there are certain parts that are more or less related to anxiety for you. Perhaps you have less anxiety while working or involved in a specific activity, for example, spending time with friends.When you are both in the same area (when your boyfriend is not traveling), do you do some things independently with friends?Do you know what leads to your anxiety when he is away? I don't know whether it is a general feeling of wanting him to come back or anxiety that something specific will happen to you or him.Do you ever recall feeling this way in your past? If so, what was happening then?What do you have that makes you feel very safe and comfortable?Consider working with a mental health professional in the area. Perhaps it would be helpful for the two of you to meet with a therapist who specializes in couples to see what kind of relationship you want to have and what you can each do to contribute to that relationship. There could be things that you could both start or stop doing to help your relationship move in the direction where you would like it to go. As an example, perhaps you would like a text before your boyfriend goes to bed, no matter what time zone or time of day it is. Perhaps he would prefer a good morning text or call/voicemail from you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always feel like I'm being watched?", "questionText": "I often get the feeling that I'm being watched, like video cameras are hidden wherever I am, even at home. I feel like people can see all that I do and are reading my thoughts. Things I read or hear on the radio seem to be about (or meant for) me, and people are talking about me when they whisper.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with worry about being continuously monitored, with no privacy even in your own mind, and as if people are constantly saying things about you in whispers on in the media. It's hard to say from a post online what is at the root of this experience, but you may be able to get insight into that, as well as develop ways of coping with the distress of feeling this way, with the help of a good therapist. There is no pill or technique that can guarantee that this experience will go away, though it might, however, there are things that you can do so that you can understand it better and so that it does not have such an impact on your ability to lead a satisfy life."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel insecure, on edge, and drink too much", "questionText": "I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. Ive been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. Im paranoid about driving on main roads. Im very jumpy at the slightest noises.", "answerText": "Given the description you have posted here, it may be time to find someone to work with. First and foremost, look into working with someone who specializes in working with individuals with challenges surrounding drinking. This would need to be assessed first since if it has been ongoing, it may be making the situation worse and given the time it has been utilized as a coping mechanism, there is reason to believe that the structure of your brain may have been effected as has been demonstrated by current neurological research. There are however, ways to address this. As for coping mechanisms, the person you work with should also look at offering you alternatives such as the skills found within the Dialectic Behavior Therapy model (DBT) which has several useful tools to help address the underlying anxiety and difficulty managing emotional regulation. Mindfulness, another component of DBT should also prove to be useful in both becoming aware of your state of mind and emotional state to allow you to make different choices which has been supported by a growing body of evidence. There are also other tools designed to help repair damaged relationships. Well worth looking into.Seeking help is never easy and it is only human to be hesitant given some of the cultural views of working with therapist. This is a difficult place to be in and one that is not easy to move out of, but sitting on it is not going to help it go away. Think of it this way, if you broke your arm, would you just wrap it up and hope for the best? or seek out a professional to help you set the break and teach you how to mend the wound. The same applies here. Think of it as first aid for the mind."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel insecure, on edge, and drink too much", "questionText": "I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. Ive been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. Im paranoid about driving on main roads. Im very jumpy at the slightest noises.", "answerText": "Sorry hearing about the big amount of stress which you are feeling at this time.Since a lot of your stress is directed to uncertainty of whether your wife is happy being with you, would you consider continuing the conversation with her about your understanding of her answer to you?Your observation that she says one thing and behaves in a different way, is meaningful.Bringing your point to her attention would at the very least demonstrate her interest in showing and explaining her viewpoint about you.Basically, you'd be expecting her to care about you and how she handles herself with this question, may clarify what you're trying to find out.The good news about your relationship with alcohol, is that you realize you're overdoing it.From what you write, the emotional pain and helplessness you feel currently, seem too much to know about all at once.One possibility is to accept your feelings of hurt and insecurity. This is the first step of working with them. If they start feeling overwhelming, then maybe too, you can distract yourself for a while from the intensity by engaging in an activity that is not self-harming.After all, you are the most important person in your life, so keep yourself safe and healthy!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel insecure, on edge, and drink too much", "questionText": "I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. Ive been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. Im paranoid about driving on main roads. Im very jumpy at the slightest noises.", "answerText": "First I am sending you some healing vibes . IT might be time to talk with your main medical provider about a checkup to see if this is relating to signs of PTSD. Or something else. Studies have shown especially with those who have sensitive energies might feel things in an empathic way. Or experiencing triggers relating to an underlining issue. You used the word insecure. on edge. You know you. You also used stress, emotional, jumpy at slightest noises. That is why journaling and wonderful sites like this help you release these feelings. You also mention your wife surrounding your heart. Studies suggest that people with low self-esteem also tend to be insecure in their relationshipsYourfaithin yourself is more powerful than your fear. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. work on improving your self esteem seek spiritual support.Feeling good about yourself can boost your confidence and strengthen your relationship. Youll not only reap the benefits of having a high self-esteem, but youll also appear more attractive to your partner. He or she will want to be as close to you as possible, hopefully alleviating your insecurity."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I throw all my stuff away?", "questionText": "I constantly have this urge to throw away all my stuff. Its constantly on my mind and makes me feel anxious. I dont sleep because Im thinking about something I can get rid of. I dont know why I do it. I started years ago when I lived with my dad then I stopped when I moved in with my mom. Years later, it has started again.", "answerText": "Since you wrote that you noticed a change in your throwing away urge when you changed with which parent you lived, would you feel that throwing away things is connected to wanting to be done with certain areas of influence with either parent?Play in your mind with the metaphor of \"throwing away\" and whatever associations you feel toward this. Are you feeling alarmed or freed, by throwing away things? I'm only suggesting these, not telling you that they apply necessarily.Anxiety comes up when people feel helpless to manage a meaningful part of their lives. So pay attention whether your stuff represents difficult scenarios or phases of your growing up years. Possibly you are trying to rid yourself of painful feelings which were part of your early years' relationship with either parent.Basically, sounds as though you are trying to establish a clearer sense of who you are and the throwing away part is a means of discovering who you are, once all the clutter is released."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I open things up with a therapist without fearing judgment and condescension?", "questionText": "I have several issues that I need to work through. However, I am afraid of and do not trust therapists after a horrible experience. I'm dealing with grief and guilt over losing my sons due to drug use. I have a very complicated traumatic relationship issue that is causing me severe anxiety and fear.", "answerText": "I am truly sorry to hear about your loss, as well as your previous horrible experience with therapy.I agree with what Laura wrote about this, she makes great points. However, I also want to add a few points. It seems as though you are at a point where you want to speak to someone. Honestly, you might not find the correct therapist for you right away. It can be difficult to find someone who fits with you, who helps you feel comfortable and speaks to you completely unbiased and without judgement. That being said, those kinds of therapists do exist. Many therapists offer free consultations, perhaps not the first session like Laura, but a phone call where you can speak with them. That can give you a good idea of what they are like and if you \"fit\" with them.Alternatively, have you considered going to a group? This can take a lot of pressure off of you, because there are a lotof grief groups and many are for those who lost loved ones to drug use. These can be something you do weekly, bi-weekly or even monthly and could be a stepping stone for you to get to the point where you feel ready to see an individual therapist. It is also helpful to speak with others who have gone through a similar situation. Check out psychologytoday.comor even google \"grief groups near me\" to see what pops up.I hope this is helpful to you, again I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Something to remember about anxiety is that it's a useful and necessary response to stressors, and we all have a level of anxiety that falls somewhere on the spectrum from very slight to very overwhelming. Anxiety is our brain's way of prompting us to deal with the stress in our lives by getting us geared up for action.Some helpful ways of managing anxiety are actually very simple. The first I'd recommend is a calm breathing technique - breathe in for 4-5 seconds, and then out for 7-8 seconds. Try to repeat this for 3-5 minutes. Another suggestion is to pay closer attention in the moments you feel the physical symptoms of anxiety and see if you can describe - without judging - the sensations to yourself. Try to be very specific, such as \"my palms are feeling very sweaty, and I can feel the slight tightness and fluttering in my belly of the butterflies.\" Then try to sit with these sensations without deciding if they are good or bad - just experiencing them as intentionally as possible. Combining the calm breathing with this technique can also be very helpful.If you feel that these techniques don't help and your anxiety about everyday stressors are inhibiting you from being able to engage in life the way you want to, then I'd highly recommend going for an assessment or even just consultation with a professional. This professional can help you determine if therapy/counseling would be helpful for you to develop additional skills for managing those interfering anxiety symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "I encourage you to look at two things - what you can do (behaviors) to better manage anxiety and how can you change your thoughts (cognitions) that likely exacerbate anxiety. Behaviorally, it may benefit you to create more structure and improve your organization and time management skills. That might include the use of a planner, a consistent sleep wake-cycle, exercise and movement, and prioritizing activities of self-care. The second component take a little more self-reflection. What are some of your thoughts that are problematic? For example, catastrophic thinking is common amongst people who struggle with anxiety. Those thoughts might sounds something like, \"This is the worst day ever.\" Now, perhaps it was the worst day ever, but more than likely it wasn't. More than likely, it was a difficult day or a stressful day. By correcting that thought from \"worst day\" to \"a tough day\" you bring the intensity of the anxiety down a notch. Making those kinds of corrections to your thinking throughout the day will help your anxiety feel less debilitating and more manageable."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "I don't think there are many people in this world that can't relate to this question! To a degree, it's helpful to worry about all the things you listed so you give attention to paying bills, working, meeting the needs in your relationships, taking care of your children, etc. It also shows that you definitely care.How much of that worry allows you to plan vs. how much is just extra and causing you suffering? For each category you listed, try to identify what your plan is (within your capabilities) and write it down. You can even write down things that are uncertain and come up with ways to explore options for those uncertainties. Doing this can separate what that extra worry looks like and when to target those thoughts, as well as help you to feel like you have things under more control.What is shown to help us perform even better than worry is self-compassion. Kristin Neff is one of the best researchers in this area. Here's her website:https://self-compassion.org/Also remember that you are not alone. Many of the people around you may appear to have life all together when in reality they may worry just as much. If you have a friend or family member you feel you can talk to, it can be helpful to have their understanding or support, even reassurance that you are not doing a bad job.My last curiosity is if there are any ways you could make the things you are doing more enjoyable. Can you listen to a podcast you like while doing dishes? Or reward yourself with something you like (e.g., alone time, episode of your favorite show, etc.) after paying a bill? Could you ask for help here and there if you have that available to you? If you are multitasking with children, is there a way you can all do household maintenance together? That may be unrealistic but if it's something that you find interest in, you could give it a shot.You have so much on your plate so give yourself credit for what you are doing everyday!"}, {"questionTitle": "What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Anxieties are an adrenal problem;Clean them out with a proper detox, using the food built for mankind, and a herbal protocol;Maybe throw in some fasting here and there to kick the kidneys into high gear and get the adrenals pumping...Every loss is a gain, so losing a car means you no longer hold responsibility to keep and maintain it...If you're really up for it, some contemplation (that is keep one thought *lightly* on your mind allllllll day; that is just focus upon it from time to time, \"Man, I notice that the sky is really blue today... and the air is really crisp today...\"); after 3-5 days of contemplation, see what you notice..."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Anxiety is overwhelming insecurity.Try to think of why you'd feel insecure or have very little confidence in your ability to complete or be in relationships.Is it possible you were very heavily criticized when you were young and growing up?Very often kids who are not encouraged to try new activities, have fun in relating to others, learn to not trust themselves to handle these fundamental parts of life.Also, if you grew up in an alcoholic or abusive family, whether the the abuse was toward you or between your parents, it is possible these scenes made you a very insecure foundation on which to trust your yourself and other people.Examine the basics of your growing up years and what may explain why you feel insecure.To improve, be patient with yourself about. making mistakes and simply try in simple, small, and direct ways to do the actions you fear and in which you also would like to participate."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Which one gives you the most anxiety? List from top to bottom which one gives you the greatest anxiety and ask the question how come? From there, we can figure out the underlying factors of your anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?", "questionText": "I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.", "answerText": "Since it is clear that people react differently to the samestressors, we know that the stressors are not causing the anxiety, our thoughts about the stressors are. Often, cognitive distortions are the problem. Some common cognitive distortions include catastrophizing (predicting the worst), future telling, black and white thinking (if it's not perfect, it's terrible), mind-reading (I just know he is angry at me) and can't-standitis (I can't stand this situation). There are more, but the list is long, and if some of these are resonating with you, I would advise looking up CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tips, worksheets, booklets etc. on line, or contact a local CBT therapist. Another helpful piece of info on anxiety, is that it is prone to something called \"symptom stress\" - being anxious about anxiety. If we could hear this symptom stress it might sound like, \"Oh no I'm getting nervous about this, I'm getting uptight, I look nervous, what if I have a panic attack!\" followed bymore cognitive distortions such as \"I can't stand being anxious!\" and \"this is horrible!\"Theantidote to this is acceptance. Kind of like not stopping the waves but learning to surf instead (Jon Kabat-Zinn). If you happen to feel anxious, say to yourself - this is just a reaction I'm having that is unpleasant, but not horrible. I can tolerate and survive some anxiety, I can breathe deeply,and I'll be OK because panic attacks never killed anyone. I can stand this and it is temporary. You get the idea.We can increase our awareness of anxiety-provoking self-talk, and counteract it with calming and reassuring self-talk. We have the ability to think about our thinking, decide which thoughts are healthy and which are unhealthy, and choose which to focus on. We brainwash ourselves with our thinking, and according to self-perception theory, \" we learn what webelieve when we hear ourselves speak,\" so we may as well be a calming, reassuring presence in our own minds. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't like going outside anymore", "questionText": "I don't understand why this is happening. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "Social anxiety has skyrocketed since COVID. Plus could be trauma or PTSD. Maybe you are a known person and feel safer not going so much out in public. I understand as a known person in my field depending on where I am it can be a bit much. Or maybe the things you found Joy in before are not as much of an interest. It could be your age or menapause (hormones) and injury. SO many things could be in play depending on the client and their lifestyle. Always best to get a check up. See if there is under lining medical issues and then go from there."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't like going outside anymore", "questionText": "I don't understand why this is happening. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "There could be a few reasons that's happening. If you are afraid of leaving your home and going other places, that may be an anxiety response. Not all people who feel this way have all the criteria for agoraphobia, but that doesn't mean it's not hard and doesn't interfere with your life. This may be triggered by a fear of being around people or people seeing you. It may also feel like leaving the safety of your home is too overbearing without a clear indication as to why. When it is the latter, it's typically brought on by an anxiety disorder (such as panic disorder).If you have lost interestin going outside, that may be a very different clinical picture. Did you used to enjoy getting outside but now feel like it is no longer enjoyable? Have you lost interest in other things that you used to find joy in? When depression is the culprit, it can feel like you don't get excited about things you used to like, which is also accompanied at times by feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, sleep and eating changes, and frequent sadness.It's not uncommon for anxiety and depression symptoms to coexist, so you may be experiencing a little (or maybe a lot) of both. If you feel like you need to speak to somebody about what you are going through, counselors can usually help and with the option of telehealth (online counseling) you don't have to leave your home to do so.If you don't have access to a counselor, your primary doctor can also help you understand your symptoms better and maybe even recommend some other options for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't like going outside anymore", "questionText": "I don't understand why this is happening. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "One reason may have to do with physical anxiety symptoms. This is common for people who experience panic attacks or physical anxiety symptoms. Often it begins with just avoiding certain places or activities where the symptoms happen. Over time, it's common for it to spread to more and more places and situations until many people get in the habit of not leaving their home at all in an effort to avoid the symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't like going outside anymore", "questionText": "I don't understand why this is happening. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "The short answer I could give is that we don't know why it's happening. The longer answer could come from deeper exploration as to your fears, or anxieties, that you experience maybe just thinking of going outside. But any sort of exploration about this almost HAS to begin with an agreement within you (and all of your feelings), that's it's not something to be ashamed of. If we are ashamed of any of our behaviors, then we lose the ability to sit with them and see where they are coming from.This could be something that can be worked through in therapy, and specifically with a therapist who specializes in anxiety and more specifically, agoraphobia."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't like going outside anymore", "questionText": "I don't understand why this is happening. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "The first step to answer your question is to reflect on what is going on in your life overall. If you're in the midst of severe stress, whether within your relationship or effort to establish a relationship, upheaval in family dynamics, some type of significant loss like a job or someone with whom you feel closely attached, then you may simply be creating the solitude which is necessary to better understand and absorb the meaning of these changes.I assume you mean you are by yourself when you are indoors.What you write sounds like you're not happy with this recent urge rather than that you and someone or others are having great and fun times together.One way to encourage yourself to go back outdoors is to connect w a friend or search for an interest within you to develop.This way with either of these, you'd feel a little bit of motivation to join and get more involved with either of these."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Anxiety can cause such a feeling of discomfort in our bodies that it can seem unbearable. The concern that I can hear in what you have written is that the thought of having some anxiety has now left you uncomfortable with any anxiety at all - and that can become a problem, indeed.As opposed to thinking about your anxiety as something much bigger than you, it could be helpful to start breaking it down. What are the things specifically that cause you anxiety about this new job? Is it being away from your family? If so, why?Once you start breaking down what causes you to feel anxiety into smaller \"mouthfuls\", then we are far better able to understand what has led to discomfort and start to problem solve the issue."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "ask them what they mean by that?You're not alone.1 in 13 globally suffers from anxiety. The WHO reports that anxiety disorders are the most common mental disorders worldwide. -Anxiety and Depression Association of AmericaImmediate relief1. Get a hug from a loved one2. Enjoy aromatherapy3. Create artworkI am sending you one NOW"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "CONGRATS to your new job!! You are working! You are taking care of your family!! Good FOR YOU!!!Transitions bring anxiety, but anxiety and anxiety attacks are treatable. Try utilizing some muscle relaxation techniques, massages, meditation, etc. I would also listen to things that help you to feel calm on the road, comedy stations that bring laughter, laughter is good for anxiety. Or listen to relaxing music, or biolateral sounds, or talking to a friend or a therapist while you're on the road. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Congrats on the new job! Why don't you take a moment and practice some self-appreciation for getting this job that's so important to you and your family.It sounds like youre uncertain as to whether you have an anxiety disorder or not, so my first recommendation for you would be to see a licensed therapist or psychologist near you for a diagnosis.If you do live with anxiety and do have a history of panic attacks, you should seek therapy from an anxiety specialist who can help you develop techniques to manage anxiety and work through the underlying causes of anxiety.A good therapist will help you:Identify anxiety triggersName and scale the anxietyDevelop grounding toolsSet boundaries with family membersWork through past traumasSlowly expose yourself to the feared stimulusNotice and celebrate small winsI hope this answers your question and I wish you the best of luck in being able to get to and from your new job successfully, safely and calmly."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Getting a new job is both exciting and scary. The bottom line is that you were hired because you CAN do this job. Take a moment to reflect on all of the hard work it took to get here. Next, identify habits that are proven to reduce the chance of anxiety attacks and plan how you can incorporate these into your routine. Habits may include getting a healthy amount of sleep, eating a balanced breakfast, avoiding social media, or meditating on the way to work. When or if feelings of anxiety do start to creep in, reassure yourself that this feeling is temporary and will pass. When you can, be mindful of your breathing and take some deep breaths in slower moments. Most importantly, have confidence in your ability to do well. After all, you were hired for a reason!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "It's understandable that you would experience anxiety as your job involves a long commute away from home. One of the ways to cope with this situation might be to think about all the good that will come out of the sacrifice you are making to help support your family financially.There may be many other benefits you are drawing from working such as professional growth or other areas you can focus on. Doing a cost benefit analysis can also be helpful in identifying the advantages of this experience which may help decrease your worry. As a HeartMath Certified Practitioner, I would also recommend a deep breathing technique known as heart focused breathing. It is simple to do and will help you enjoy a sense of calm and ease whenever you feel you need it. All the very best to you. Just click here: Heart focused breathing"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "One thing to know is that anxiety is not a bad thing--it is the body's natural response that mobilizes us to action. If you think about it in terms of preparation, your anxiety is helping your body to be ready to perform through something important to you or protect you from harm.A question worth asking is, what are you really afraid of happening if you have an anxiety attack while driving? Are you worried you won't make it to your new job? Are you scared of letting your family down? Do you fear you will crash? Knowing what you fear will happen because of your anxiety can help to determine where your mental focus would be best suited. For example, if you fear you won't make it to your job, you can create a list of thoughts to support you through those fears (e.g., I am capable of making it to my new job, etc).Despite knowing the origin of your anxiety, it can still feel very scary to go through an anxiety attack. Just anticipating anxiety can, ironically, increase your chances of experiencing it. A really great way to manage this is via mindful breathing. There are so many youtube videos and recordings of how to control your breathing in order to calm your body's anxiety response that work best even before you've felt a spike of fear. Taking time each day to practice deep breathing, even for just a few minutes, can be a helpful tool to grounding yourself in the present moment vs fearing the unknown.Doing a practice run on the route you will be taking could also send a big message to the part of your brain that creates your fear response. Practicing getting to your location can reduce that fear of the unknown, as well as teach your anxiety that you performed the drive once and nothing bad happened; in response, your anxiety doesn't feel a need to set off your alarm so loud.Something really important to remember is that having anxiety or an anxiety attack does not mean you are in danger. Anxiety can feel awful, but it will always come back down. Give yourself credit that you can make it through any response your body has--after all, that's what your body was built to do!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Its understandable to have anxiety when transitioning to a new job/career or any other major life change. Doing some mindfulness activities such as deep breathing exercises, grounding, or mindfulness meditation can help center and calm yourself in moments of anxiety when being away from your family.It may also be helpful to make a list of your concerns or fears about being away from your family. What are you afraid will happen while you are away? Once you've identified those fears you can challenge them and determine whether they are based on fact or your emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Hi,It is really good that you are working so hard to take care of your family. Anxiety can be so challenging, especially when new challenges have come up. It would be good to work through some of these issues you are experiencing, and examine your self care and support processes."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Congratulations on your new job. Chances are, you accepted this opportunity knowing that sometimes, you feel heightened levels of anxiety while traveling (or at least, people are telling you this is true) Rather than working towards how to stop it from happening, it might make more sense to prepare for if it does: often, when we know how we might deal with a situation, the situation doesn't manifest.On a more broad scope, though, tools to minimize anxious feelings abound: there are apps (headspace or happify for example) therapy helps, and tools like yoga and meditation can help reduce anxious feelings too.Safe travels~"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Anxiety or panic attacks can be very frightening. Here are a few \"tools\" you can use that will help in the short term: Keeping your mind occupied by listening to books on tape may help; Counting backwards from 100 in 7's; Naming cities that begin with each letter of the alphabet; Keeping some ice or an ice pack in a cooler beside you, which you may take out and hold in your hand or to your face; Soothing self-talk such as \"This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it\" or \"I've been through this before and can make it through again\". I recommend that you seek out a Therapist to help you with some long-term solutions to the anxiety. Additionally, learning to breathe into the abdomen and practicing this daily is another long-term solution. Yoga and meditation would be great!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Bravo, on your success in securing a job and also for being proactive with your need. Starting a new job can be scary and having to travel away from your home and family can make it even more anxiety provoking.Do allow yourself to be anxious about this new journey, we can be hard on ourselves, think if it was a friend that was turning to you for help, what solutions would you have offered them, but also continue to seek to secure right support as well. Talking to your physician is always a good place to start; your physician can tell you if there are organic influences causing your anxiety that may be out of your control. Additionally, talking to close or compassionate family and friends is always good. It is important that you turn to supportive people at the time of emotional need, talking about our challenges can help break the cycle of anxiety at least momentarily.Remember, to further your success, it requires a healthy self, if you have supportive relationships relying on and turning to people who can be there without judgment is great. Healthy lifestylelike eating right, sleeping enough, and regular exercise also never fails to help improve overall emotional health.Additional self-caremeasures such as repeated relaxation practices can help you become more familiar with your nervous systems reactivity and you can implement strategies to ease anxiety in various situations as it demands. The more resources the better you will be equipped to manage challenges and concerns at the time notice. You can find a lot from the internet too, use yourbest judgment as what may not be appropriate for you there are some wonderful apps on most smartphones that can help you learn and practice grounding strategies to ease anxiety.If you have access to a therapy you find more specific strategies that would best fit your needs. Good luck, wish you a happy journey and much success."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "First of all, congratulations on your new role! Transitions can be challenging, and it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of change. This would be difficult for many people, and it seems that you have an added layer of challenge. I recommendvisiting a therapist to determine the root cause of your anxiety and working to unravel those causes piece by piece. I know seeing a therapist can be challenging when traveling, and online counseling could be a good solution. In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite anxiety stopping strategies. 1. Grounding Exercises: When you feel your anxiety increasing, take a deep breath and begin things in your room (or where ever you are) that have things in common. For example, name all of the blue things that you can see. You can also do non-visual groundingexercises likenaming all of the htesports teams you can think of or all of the state capitals. This will get your mind off of your anxiety and connect you to space. 2. The pretzel: This is a seated pose that will stop any anxiety attack in its tracks. Start in a seated position and cross your dominate leg over your nondominant leg. Then, stretch your arms out in front of you with the back of your hands facing one another. Cross your arms in front of each other so that your palms are touching. Flip your arms into your body. You will end with your elbows by your side and your hands crossed under your chin. Close your eyes and take long breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. This calming pose will help you get through even the toughest of panic episodes. 3. Bilateral stimulation and visualization: Start in a seated position with your hands placed on your knees. Tap each knee in an alternating pattern. Close your eyes and begin visualizing a peaceful setting. The combination of bilateral stimulation and visualization will help calm your body and mind. I could go on and on, but these techniques should get you started. These techniques should help you manage anxiety in a pinch. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "It is ok to have anxiety. Please don't be anxious about being anxious.If you feel anxiety coming over you, then pull off the road to a safe place. Concentrate on centering yourself and to breath slowly. Take some sips of water. Sit still. The anxiety should pass in about twenty minutes.If it does not pass, then continue calming yourself until you feel safe enough to drive to your hotel. You can always explain to your supervisor that you were taking care of a medical problem, because anxiety is a medical problem."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried about my new job", "questionText": "I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have \"anxiety\" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", "answerText": "There are lots of things you can do, but first: Congratulations on your new job! Commuting long distances can be stressful, but there are some things you can do.First, make sure that your seating arrangement in your car is comfortable. If you are driving long distances on a regular basis, you want to make sure that your body is in a comfortable position. Second, select some music or podcasts that work for you, rather than against you. Soothing music is good, as well as inspirational podcasts. Alternatively, listening to books can be a great way to spend the time, improve your mood, and find inspiration. Third, make sure that you have plenty of time for your commute. If the drive normally takes you 30 minutes, plan on 45 (or if it's 45 minutes, plan on an hour). This way you won't be rushed, can take your time, can focus on your driving, and if traffic is a bit backed up, you've got plenty of time to reach your destination.Finally, if you do find yourself being anxious in a way that impedes your driving, pull over to the side of the road, take some deep breaths, and sit with your feelings. Take a deep drink of water. Consider jotting your feelings down in a journal. If its safe, get out of the car and walk around a bit, stretching you muscles and breathing in the air.But most of all, be kind to yourself. I wish you much success in your new job."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I control anxiety without medication?", "questionText": "I had a head injury a few years ago and my mind races all the time. I have trouble sleeping and have a lot of anxiety. Every medicine I have been on my body rejects; I get sick to my stomach and get blisters in my mouth. How can I calm my self down? I'm a wreck.", "answerText": "You didn't say what or how many medications you've tried. Certain anxiety medications can make you feel nauseous, but I haven't heard of any that cause mouth blisters, so there may be some other underlying medical issue there. I would definitely talk to your primary care physician and whoever has prescribed the medication as well as a neurologist if you've suffered a severe head injury. There are so many medications available for anxiety or insomnia or even depression that there may be others with lesser side effects.But beyond that, have you tried any other treatments such as deep breathing or meditation? Meditation can be very effective, but it takes practice and you don't have to sit cross-legged for hours chanting \"Ohm\" to meditate. It's about focusing on your breath, rather than all the thoughts that are racing through your head. And when they do take your mind off your breath, simply refocus (and refocus and refocus). Like I said, it takes practice, so don't give up. You can find many sites offering different ways to meditate, so look around and see what works best for you. Like medication, you just have to find the one that works best and that might take some experimentation.I hope this helps and best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with my best friend, whom I have a crush on, having a crush on someone else?", "questionText": "I've known my best friend for eight years, and I've slowly begun to form a crush on him. I sort of thought he liked me back until he told me about his actual crush. I have really bad anxiety over this.", "answerText": "That must feel heartbreaking to you.Where do you think that anxiety comes from? I would try some self-reflecting to see what comes up there. Maybe you are worried about losing your best friend, or something completely different. It's understandable that you would have a lot of feelings in this situation, especially since this person is very close to you.The dealing with it part is probably going to be pretty tough. You are processing through circumstances that you probably can't talk to him, your best friend, about. Do you have anyone else you can talk through it with? Maybe another good friend or someone that knows the situation? When we're most in need sometimes we become more aware of who around us can be of help. A counselor can help here, too if that's an option you are considering or have access to.If he does start leaning on you to talk about his crush, there may be some boundaries that you could consider putting up. That may mean distancing from him a bit, or telling him how you feel. That part is all up to what you feel most right doing and what works best for your friendship.Try to remember that you are notless thanjust because he may not reciprocate the same romantic feelings you do. We are all worthy of that kind of love."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over my anxiety of talking to new people?", "questionText": "I'm socially awkward. I've always want to be popular. I've had the opportunity to be popular, but every time I get i,t I'm too scared. All I have to do is talk the popular people. They're really nice to me, but I'm too scared of change. I really want to work up the courage to lose my fear.", "answerText": "Talking to people can be pretty scary. When we talk to people, sometimes we overanalyze what we say or how we react in fear that we will seem weird or they won't like us, which makes us appear awkward. So that overthinking piece can ironically work against us.When you talk to them, really spend time to listen to what they are saying. Your default may be to think about how you will respond or what's cool to say, but people like it best (usually) when you are genuine and yourself. If you focus on what you are paying attention to (them), then you will naturally have a response. If you can overthink about yourself, you can definitely have some thoughts pop up when talking to other people!Also keep in mind that if the conversations turn out to be less than you'd hoped for, that's OK. I'm assuming you are in high school, but in any situation with peers, if they don't like you then they aren't worth all your worry and effort.Give change a chance--you've endured change in your life before this, so let it happen again. You are in control here--you get to choose who you talk to and don't talk to. That can be powerful!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over my anxiety of talking to new people?", "questionText": "I'm socially awkward. I've always want to be popular. I've had the opportunity to be popular, but every time I get i,t I'm too scared. All I have to do is talk the popular people. They're really nice to me, but I'm too scared of change. I really want to work up the courage to lose my fear.", "answerText": "Give yourself credit here! It sounds like you are liked and people want to get to know you! I would wonder with you, what is the self-talk going on when you get too scared to talk to people? Those statements are probably connected to some core beliefs (I'm __________, I'll never __________, I'm not __________________, etc.), which probably need to be examined for truth and challenged! Often times, practice helps! You could start by having a conversation with someone you already feel comfortable with, but talk about a topic you've never discussed before. Next, you could strike up conversation with someone who is new to you, but for a brief time, like a cashier or waitress/waiter. Keep taking steps towards practicing talking to new people, and build your skills and confidence with each conversation. Sure, you'll probably feel awkward and uncomfortable and say some silly things, but you'll also probably say some brilliant things, and you're doing it! Eventually, you'll probably feel more comfortable talking to the people who you'd like to talk to, without so much fear.Learning new things are tough! Once you get some practice and confidence under your belt, you can get more and more comfortable with your abilities to talk to new people."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over my anxiety of talking to new people?", "questionText": "I'm socially awkward. I've always want to be popular. I've had the opportunity to be popular, but every time I get i,t I'm too scared. All I have to do is talk the popular people. They're really nice to me, but I'm too scared of change. I really want to work up the courage to lose my fear.", "answerText": "Change can be uncomfortable, but sometimes those uncomfortable moments are the opportunity for us to be the person we feel we really are. It sounds like you like to spend the time in your head anticipating the worst, why not be in the present and encourage yourself that you can talk to people and it will be okay. By telling yourself it will not be okay, or that it will go wrong you are hurting your confidence to do what you want. Give yourself some credit for being awesome and tell yourself you can build new friendships...it may be the motivation you need to move past this fear."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel burned out", "questionText": "I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious. I'm feeling burnt out. What can help me feel better?", "answerText": "I would first say that those are difficult thoughts and feelings that sound exhausting. I can't image how this must feel, but I can assure you that you are not alone. These are common experiences in our society where we are made to feel as though we must \"go go go\". Especially in the current world situation, even simple things can feel overwhelming. I believe that starting with \"baby steps\" such as taking even 10-20 minutes for yourself daily to be in the quiet and reflect can be helpful. Recognizing that even small self-care steps such as drinking more water, eating healthier foods, or taking a hot bath can be helpful to relieve stress."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel burned out", "questionText": "I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious. I'm feeling burnt out. What can help me feel better?", "answerText": "It's OK that you are going through that, even though it is probably very miserable. Feeling burnt out is usually a sign that something is out of balance in our lives and we need to make some adjustments.How are boundaries set up in your life? If these are lacking in your work life, social life, or personal life, that could be draining. This can be all too true for people that feel like putting up boundaries is selfish or that others will reject you if you do; however, realistic boundaries are super healthy for both yourself and others. For example, I have a boundary on how many people I see in a week and when I discuss work-related issues--this helps me take care of myself in ways that make me a better counselor and lets other people know exactly what I expect so there's no guessing.Another question to consider is, what are you doing to recharge from stressors? We tend to get so caught up in responsibilities that we miss opportunities to slow down. We try to put a blind eye to how we are feeling and just push through, but our bodies will tell us when it's too much, whether that's through physical pain, emotional pain, or both. Consider the metaphor of a car: if you are low on gas, your gas light comes on. You can keep driving, but eventually you're going to need to stop and fill up, no matter how badly you want to make it to the next exit. Anxiety and other feelings popping up may be a sign you are just too overwhelmed and need to recharge!How you attempt that may look different from others. What brings you joy? Is there a person or people that recharge you? Or do you recharge better doing something alone? If you feel it's a struggle to find answers to these questions, try to remember things that have peaked your interests and brought you joy in the past. It could be something as simple as taking a walk, creating something, baking, etc.It can be a process, so no matter how quickly you want to move through this, just be patient with yourself!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel burned out", "questionText": "I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious. I'm feeling burnt out. What can help me feel better?", "answerText": "Does it help to put a name to the experience you are having? Where you first said, \"I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious,\" you then say that you are \"feeling burnt out,\" which gives a little more context to what may have once felt like \"no reason.\" Perhaps you are feeling burnt out! That is a big deal, and please try not to take it lightly! When we get burnt out, I have found that it's from one of two things: either we are not doing what we want, or we are doing too much (either of something we want or something we don't, doesn't really matter once we get into doing too much.)If either of those rings true for your experience, try as much as possible to sit with the experience and get a better sense of where the burn out is coming from. I wrote about burnout for a newsletter and it is on my website. I don't want to do shameless promotion, but I thought it could also add to helping you:https://davidkleintherapy.com/my-experiences-with-burnout/I hope that you can also see that it's not an abnormal experience."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel burned out", "questionText": "I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious. I'm feeling burnt out. What can help me feel better?", "answerText": "There's no such possibility that you're upset for \"no reason\"!The reason is not obvious, not that you are feeling upset in response to nothing at all.What can help you feel better is to be kind and gentle with yourself because this sort of approach will more likely relax your mood and mindset enough for the tension and anxiety you feel, to dissipate somewhat.Try to understand whether certain situations or interactions remind you or feel similar to ones which distressed you before.This may be the reason for your anxiety.It is good news that you know the difference between your usual sense of yourself and that you've been away from this feeling.Give yourself a little credit for understanding yourself. Giving credit adds confidence and confidence will help you find the reasons and new ways to handle your anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid thinking much?", "questionText": "I start thinking deeply about everything I may do or say and about anything that may happen. I really want to avoid it since it really bothers me.", "answerText": "As you know (probably very well), those types of thinking patterns are energy suckers. I'm assuming you are often tired and don't sleep as well as you could, especially as our thoughts tend to creep up on us when we are trying to fall asleep.One thing to know is that those thought patterns are a protective mechanism. Ruminating on what could happen and how we will respond is how we feel prepared for what's to come. In a logical sense, there's so much uncertainty in life that trying to plan all that out is nearly impossible. Although not a bad idea to have a game plan or rehearse how you are going to respond to conflict, endlessly revisiting those things tend to take away from why we want to be prepared in the first place--to protect our well-being (in any aspect).The trick is how to calm the brain which is so much easier said than done! To start, take the time to write your thoughts down. You can do that via journaling, or by splitting a piece of paper into two categories (one side is helpful planning and other side unhelpful planning). The brain is a spectacular organ, but sometimes we really need to see things externally to be able to process them effectively. Excessive worry is really a result of pretty significant fears--whether those fears come from not feeling like you can handle situations, that other people can't handle things, that you will lose something important to you, or that you will fail. Writing about those fears could help you understand where those thoughts are coming from, or you could even talk those out with a friend or counselor. Sometimes someone else's feedback about our situations can change how we see things since we tend to get perpetually stuck in the same perspectives.My last suggestion is to work on trying to stay in the present via mindfulness, at least 5 minutes a day. It's probably going to feel foreign and weird, maybe even scary, since you live more in the future vs the present moment. It's common for the brain to respond by trying to push back into those thinking patterns, but mindfulness actually increases your ability to problem-solve and see things more clearly. Constant anxiety clouds us. Mindfulness clears that out. And I'm sure you really could use a brain break!"}, {"questionTitle": "I can't have a drink without panicking", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hello! There's not a lot of information here, but I have a couple thoughts about what could be happening for you.My first thought is what we know about the effect of alcohol on the body. It's a depressant, meaning it slows down your central nervous system functioning--including your heart rate, breathing, etc. It also decreases activation in the part of the brain that deals with inhibition. How that relates to panicking could be very specific to your experiences and your own body's reaction, though it's a possibility that those bodily sensations trigger panic for you. If you've been in a traumatic situation in the past, your body may be at a heightened level of awareness or vigilance. Letting your guard down (common with drinking) can feel too vulnerable for people with a history of trauma because the body feels open to attack without those extra layers of vigilance. So that's one possibility.The second thought I have is that along with feeling vulnerable, there may be a fear of loss of control. Alcohol tends to shut down the part of the brain that basically operates as a CEO. When that area of the brain is offline, more emotions are able to come through. Pair that with the loss of physical control you may feel and that could be the perfect storm for a panic attack.The third thought I have is that you may just have an intolerance to alcohol. I'm not an expert on allergies or intolerances, so if you are truly concerned about your reaction to alcohol, it could be worth your time to visit a doctor. Even if you don't have anything medical going on, a doctor may know what direction to point you in based on your specific circumstances. Keep in mind also that alcohol does not mix with many medications. If you are taking any prescription medications, make sure to ask your doctor about risks/side effects/interactions. There could be some information there to make sense of your symptoms.Keep that curiosity going and an answer will soon come!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I calm down during a panic attack?", "questionText": "I have a panic attack at least once a week and suffer from severe anxiety.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you're going through that. Panic attacks are terrifying.One thing to start with is knowing that panic attacks are not going to hurt you and your anxiety will come down with time. Fighting that process can sometimes heighten symptoms because your brain wants the message of panic to be heard. Some of the best ways to counter that message is through focusing on the present moment through sensations or breathing. Taking deep breaths allows your body and brain to slow down, sending the message that there's no present danger. Focusing on the present can also send the same message, as anxiety typically throws us into the \"what ifs\" of the future. If you search google or pinterest, there are tons of methods you can use for this---some people prefer to focus on colors, shapes, smells, textures, etc., while other prefer to pay attention to internal sensations.There are also apps that can help with these techniques, such as Calm and Headspace. They work best when you aren't in a panic attack or when you feel one coming on. If you are already at the peak of an attack, they can still help, it just may take a bit longer.Some clients I have like to track their anxiety with a scale system. Let's say you scale your anxiety at an 8 out of 10, do some breathing exercises for 5 minutes, then scale it again. It's likely the anxiety decreased, at least to a 7 or 7.5. Doing this can give you some physical proof that you have some control over your body. You can also scale it without the breathing to see how it just fluctuates on its own. Anxiety will always go down and you can see that happening via numbers. This method will let you see the light at the end of the tunnel.There are other ways that might work for you via a quick google search, or through therapy. Keep trying new things until you find what works best for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do when I feel like my life is out of control?", "questionText": "I was in a car accident and totaled my car. I gave up my job of nine years to pursue school full-time to better myself. I failed a class, and my boyfriend that I live with thinks Im stupid and wants to break up with me. I have nowhere to go, and I feel like Im losing everything.", "answerText": "Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is a source of support and I'm really sorry to hear that. And my assumption is that the car accident was traumatic for you and still impacts you in some ways.By just reading what you wrote, I'm not sure what that impact has been on you, but I get the impression that maybe you are now carless and have no reliable method of transportation to get to school or other places you need to go. Maybe you are also scared to be in a vehicle? My first thought after reading this is that I wouldn't be thrilled about getting into a car if mine was totaled in an accident. It may even incite terror. None of that is your fault--it's an expected response to a horrible situation.My second thought was that you are obviously very committed and reliable if you had a job of nine years. Not to mention brave for stepping out of the comfort of a job to pursue school full-time. That's a giant transition that you should get so much credit for, from yourself and from the people closest to you. Failing doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. I've failed classes as well when I was just starting out in college. It truly doesn't mean anything about you--it just means that things got in the way and you can either try again, or learn something about yourself (or both) and what you want out of an academic career. The feelings around failing may feel raw at the moment, but readdress them in a couple weeks or a month and notice how your perspective may change, as well as the steps you may take despite the situation.Be careful of how much your boyfriend is contributing to how you feel about yourself, too. I'm guessing you already felt pretty terrible, then his words or actions rubbed it in. Who do you have in your life that is compassionate toward you? If you aren't sure, seeking out a counselor can be really great with all the emotions of a big transition like you are going through. In the meantime, focus on the things you have total control over--your breath, little choices that you make throughout the day, etc. Mindfulness and meditation can be a way for you to get some peace and slow down from the chaos of your life and thoughts."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I manage my budding anxiety?", "questionText": "I have been thinking a lot about certain situations and having my worries about what others may think or say.", "answerText": "I think it's a great idea that you are asking this question now while it's early on.The first thing I wonder is what age you are. At different transitions and stages in life, it's really common for anxieties to come out of the woodwork. First time this takes place at a greater level is during adolescence, because a teen's \"job\" is to figure out who they are within the context of other people. Spikes in anxiety also can also occur after high school when you are leaving the nest and heading to college, or the late twenties when it feels like you are expected to have your life figured out and compare to where others are in their lives. That same scenario can show up in mid-life as well for different reasons depending on the person.Aside from age, certain circumstances can influence a jump in anxiety, such as a job change, switching schools, moving, opening a business, college finals, etc. Take some time to explore where the anxiety might be coming from and just see what comes up. It may be something you have some control over, or something that you can ask for help from someone else for--especially if it's social anxiety. The more you practice social skills, the more confidence you'll have in the long-run.A metaphor I use with some people is gas for a car. Anxiety is a necessary motivator for action, though you get to decide where to go with that anxiety. An overfilled tank doesn't get you any further than a normally-filled tank, and more gas doesn't mean the gas is in charge of where you go. Applying that to what I know about your situation--how much of that worrying is getting you somewhere, how much is just extra gas, and are the worries changing what you really want to do? Sometimes knowing the makeup of our anxiety gives us more power over how we deal with it, and I think you could for sure get there with some help."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I overcome social anxiety?", "questionText": "I have a fear of talking with people. I don't like to go out to social events. I'm always worrying about someone judging me.", "answerText": "Thanks for reaching out and asking this question.Social stuff is hard. Even for people that don't have diagnosed social anxiety. Some research outlines that our fear of public speaking is greater than our fear of death. That's hefty! Shame is often the culprit for social anxiety because we think other people will see the flaws in ourselves that we believe are there. I've had experiences where I thought the person thought something awful of me, just to find out it was exactly the opposite. That's how powerful our minds can be!What are other things that people may think of you? Maybe you are very kind and easy to talk to. Maybe you think differently than other people and some people enjoy hearing your perspectives. It's even a possibility that they are worrying about the same things as you, even if they seem very confident. Confidence can be easy to fake if it's how you cope with fear.To work through some of that, it's much better to force yourself out there and have conversations. Avoiding people sends the message to your brain that not only are those situations dangerous (socially), but that you can't handle them. The more you avoid, the harder it gets and the more anxiety is created by just the thought of being around people. Take it moment by moment, too. Thinking about all the conversations you are confronted with in a day is overwhelming. Just focus on getting through each conversation, and give yourself credit for doing that---even if you felt awkward, embarrassed, etc. Social skills can be taught at any stage of life, and there's always room for mistakes. No one in society communicates perfectly and you don't need to put that pressure on yourself.The last thing I'd say is keep at least 1-3 people in your life that feel really good to talk to--like it's not a task. Talking to acquaintances and random people is not to fulfill a need for close connection (unless you end up finding a great friend), but more to feel like you are definitely able to handle conversations without the threat of crippling anxiety. You may even get to a place where you enjoy it (sometimes).Reach out to people in your life if you need extra support!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop worrying much?", "questionText": "I have a bad habit of thinking and worrying about what others may think of me. I really want to stop it and enjoy things.", "answerText": "Thinking about what others think of us is a natural tendency. Human beings are social creatures and rely on feedback from the outside world of people, places, and things to let us know more about ourselves. We also have an inner voice, dialogue, conscience, etc. that helps us to determine the path for us. Often, when someone is worried about the external feedback, and focuses on this as the sole source of information, it can create a dependency that can become problematic. Balance is key to so many things in life. Your own voice is powerful and has strength to provide you the enjoyment you seek. Don't discount it and rely only on the voices of others."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about my stress before track meets?", "questionText": "I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry.", "answerText": "Seems like you have some confidence in your track abilities, but feel pressured by your dad to continue something you don't really enjoy. Are you maybe worried about disappointing your dad, or is it something about track itself that upsets you or overwhelms your body?When we try to push through stuff that's too much for our bodies (whether that's physical or emotional), that stress will show up no matter how hard we try to bury it. Sometimes that shows up as crying or irritation, other times that shows up as physical symptoms. For you, it could be both. Based on the symptoms showing up days before a meet, it could be more emotional since it comes so long beforehand.I'm assuming you are very active already, so extra exercise probably isn't too helpful and may only put more stress on your body. Do you feel like you ever get a chance to truly relax? Always running on overdrive with little gas is exhausting. Try giving yourself permission during the period before the track meets to just do something that slows you down. Doesn't have to be super long--even 10-15 minutes a day could give your brain and body a very needed break from that go-go-go lifestyle.Pay attention to your sleep as well. I don't know anything about your nightly routine, but if you are struggling to sleep that could enhance the symptoms of anxiety before your meets. Some calm activities before bed could help here.Of course, you could try talking with your dad about whats happening if you think he'd be able to support your needs. That's not always possible, and if not, no worries. There's a lot you can do to get through what's happening. If you have another caregiver in the picture that feels approachable, you could talk to him/her about how you are feeling. Also, take a look at strategies for performance anxiety online. Even if you don't have that particular type of anxiety, the strategies are really great and can at least help a little if you are still engaging in track."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about my stress before track meets?", "questionText": "I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry.", "answerText": "Does anyone notice that you get sick and cry on track meet days?Have you told anyone?From what you write, as much as you would like to please your school and dad, something within you doesn't quite want to fully follow through.Step one in life always is to know what you want and what your limits are. It already is difficult to avoid listening to your body.Try understanding what is difficult in telling your father that you'd like doing as he wishes, only are not able to do so because you are emotionally and physically distraught on the days you have track.After finishing the season for this year with your school's track team, then expect to concentrate on taking care of your own need to not do track.Hopefully your father will understand and care about your problem. If he does not and track is more important than your well being, then you have a different problem entirely."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about my stress before track meets?", "questionText": "I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are no longer committed to track emotionally. It can be hard to talk to your dad about this, but he may think you love track and may not know you are getting so upset the days of meets. An idea would be to first write a letter to your dad to see what feelings come out and then preparing to speak with him. I think he will appreciate your honesty and maybe this conversation will bring you relief and also time to find something you really will enjoy."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my severe social anxiety when my family doesn't believe in it?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I'm so sorry you aren't being taken seriously. I hope you have at least one person in your life that believes you and will listen to you. Sometimes when family members don't give us a chance to be heard, we can find someone in our lives that makes us feel like we matter. If you struggle with finding that, a counselor could be that person for you.Other things you could try include finding ways to calm your mind and body. There's a lot of apps available with calming scenes and soundscapes, such as Calm and Headspace. St. John's Wart is also pretty popular for working with the symptoms of anxiety and depression and is available without a prescription.Just as a last note--you don't need your family to believe what you are going through to get better. It could for sure make it harder, but if you can get through severe anxiety, you can totally get through the healing process."}, {"questionTitle": "Can anxiety make me say foul language?", "questionText": "I'm scared that my anxiety will make me say foul language. I don't want to say those words though. I'm only a teen and all my friends curse, but I don't want to. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "It's definitely possible that your response to anxiety is to swear, though you don't have to feel controlled by that reaction.As a teen, you're developing your identity based on what feels right to you and what doesn't. It's OK to be different than your friends, and just being around swearing doesn't mean you will for sure pick up that habit. What is it that connects your anxiety to swearing? If it feels like your automatic response might be to curse, you could try picking some words that don't go against your values to use as a default when you are upset.You could also work directly with calming your anxiety, maybe in ways that make you feel in control. Breathing exercises as well as thought replacement (replacing an unhelpful thought with a helpful one) are good for that. Whatever you try, I wish you the best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can anxiety make me think I heard something about me?", "questionText": "When I'm around people, I sometimes think someone has made a comment to me or asked me to do something. I will be focusing on something else and then randomly think I hear something about me. I never know if it was actually said.", "answerText": "Sure can! Especially social anxiety or anxiety in the form of paranoia.Are there any patterns to when or where this happens most? Does it ever happen with people you feel safe and comfortable with? Or only when you are in an uncomfortable social setting? If you notice any patterns, you can focus in on the anxiety surrounding them and build coping skills to help you get through those moments (if that's what would feel helpful).You could also seek help and talk to someone about what's happening to get a better assessment of your situation and more personalized techniques. There's many counselors out there that are great at working with anxiety!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can anxiety make me think I heard something about me?", "questionText": "When I'm around people, I sometimes think someone has made a comment to me or asked me to do something. I will be focusing on something else and then randomly think I hear something about me. I never know if it was actually said.", "answerText": "Anxiety can absolutely make you think you heard something about you. When we are on high alert, we tend to look for threats and often the greatest threats we experience on a daily basis are social in nature. To some extent this is normal, for example, when people experience late onset deafness, they often will worry people are talking about them (and usually not good things) because our brains tend to jump to that. Of course, I'm not saying you are going deaf or anything, just giving an example. Counseling can help you work through this anxiety. It may also be helpful to reach out to a counselor to rule out if there may be other things going on. Sometimes things like paranoia can blend in with anxiety, which is a very distressing experience. But both are absolutely treatable. Wishing you the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "Can anxiety make me think I heard something about me?", "questionText": "When I'm around people, I sometimes think someone has made a comment to me or asked me to do something. I will be focusing on something else and then randomly think I hear something about me. I never know if it was actually said.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are having difficulty knowing if people are saying things to you, or if you only thought someone was talking to you, and this is anxiety producing. It's understandable that it could be confusing and/or a bit scary to be unsure if people are speaking to you or not. It's hard to say exactly what is going on from just this description, but if you can work with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what is happening, get clarity about your social interactions, and develop some ways to deal with the anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always feel anxious?", "questionText": "It's especially bad at night time. I am scared of sleeping alone.", "answerText": "Night is hard for a lot of people, so you are definitely not alone here.Has anything scary ever happened to you at night? Answering that question may give you the \"why\" of where that's coming from. If you haven't had a bad experience at night, it may just be the time when you have nothing to do, which allows more intense thoughts and feelings to surface.Here's a couple things to try:One thing you could do is sit down a couple hours before you go to bed and journal (if you can). Try to reduce any distractions and just go for it. The purpose of this is to slow down well before you go to bed, expressing some of the anxiety from the day. Also take note of the things you can tackle that day vs what can wait until later. This gives your brain a chance to sort through some of the \"planning\" type of anxiety that commonly comes up when you are trying to sleep.Another thing you can do is make a list of the things you have control over. Anxiety is really good at putting everything you feel out of control of on a giant metaphorical projection screen. Try projecting some of the things you have control over instead. For example--you have total control over breathing patterns, what you choose to wear the next day, what you pay attention to if you go for a walk, etc. You also have control over how you personalize that list to what matters to you. Mindfulness is a great way to focus on how you control your breath, and also how letting go of breathing doesn't stop your body from doing what it's always doing to keep you alive. Any google search will bring up lots of information on this!Something to remember is that experiencing anxiety is OK. It doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong. Anxiety is sometimes just a feeling that comes up without much of a cause. If you can't identify that cause, it's probably because of a little misinterpretation in the brain. Mindfulness can definitely help with that."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always feel anxious?", "questionText": "It's especially bad at night time. I am scared of sleeping alone.", "answerText": "Being able to know you feel anxiety and write about it, is the first step to addressing and handling it!Generally, anxiety is deep fear of not being able to handle what comes up in life.Somehow the person was insufficiently nurtured and so felt insecure when very young.Usually the person had to fend on at least a psychological and emotional level for themselves before reaching an age when doing so would have been reasonable.Their inner feeling of overwhelmed from when very young, hasn't faced the reality that the grown person is now capable, even if this takes some practice.Try asking yourself what you are afraid of and theorize how you would handle these situations as a grown person.Also, sometimes anxiety comes from feeling lonely. This loneliness is reminiscent of the loneliness that the grown person now, felt when being left to take care of situations as a child which were too difficult and complex for any child to address."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I see and hear things that are not real?", "questionText": "Im a teenager. I am almost always paranoid. Recently, I started to think they watch. I keep seeing in the corner of my eye someone moving. The other night, I heard breathing in my room, and my eyes focused on a black shape. I turned on the lights, but no one was there.", "answerText": "I've worked with teens in a day treatment program for about 6 years now and it's been a theme that a lot of them see dark figures out of the corner of their eyes. Pretty common with teens that have endured trauma--physical or sexual abuse, witnessing domestic violence, etc. We don't have a lot of information on why this happens, but it's theorized that the brain projects the emotions outside of us in the form of dark figures--maybe just as a reflection of what is existing on the inside of the brain or even to give some emotional relief. When we have kids that have experienced those types of hallucinations, they almost always disappear once they have worked through their trauma.Sometimes visual and auditory hallucinations are symptoms of mental health disorders as well, though that's pretty rare for those to start as early as the teens years. It's best to have your symptoms checked out by a medical professional and maybe even a psychiatrist to get a better idea of what may be happening. Are you or have you been taking any medications that could potentially have these side effects? If you do visit one or both professionals, make sure you or a caregiver is giving them all the details about your symptoms so they can help you as much as possible.A big question here is what is your sleep like? Lack of sleep is notorious for causing hallucinations and can become severe after only a few nights of sleep deprivation. If you are having trouble sleeping, that may be another topic to discuss with your doctor.No matter what it is, it's obviously scary otherwise you wouldn't feel paranoid. Try some techniques to calm yourself a few times during the day, like deep breathing or movement-based strategies like yoga. Whatever speaks to you. And remember that while you are figuring this issue out, the hallucinations can't hurt you even if they get stronger.Glad you are reaching out to get some help!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I see and hear things that are not real?", "questionText": "Im a teenager. I am almost always paranoid. Recently, I started to think they watch. I keep seeing in the corner of my eye someone moving. The other night, I heard breathing in my room, and my eyes focused on a black shape. I turned on the lights, but no one was there.", "answerText": "Sounds like anxiety and a strong imagination are getting the better of you.Do you sometimes have less confidence in yourself than you'd like to have? Or doubt and question yourself in matters which in hindsight were easier to solve than you realized at first?These are two examples of anxiety blurring your vision of a situation. Possibly imagining sights and sounds is also blurring an accurate assessment of what actually takes place in your room at night.Addressing anxiety is best done indirectly, not directly.Concentrate on knowing more of your reasons to question yourself so deeply in the first place. Being a teenager certainly adds to overall anxiety. And you may have good reason from your growing up personal history to have more than an average amount of self-doubt.If you felt humiliated, mocked, ignored, blamed, any type of interaction with meaningful people in your life while you were younger, then this probably set the groundwork to not have faith in yourself.Awareness of where you feel vulnerable is the first step to deliberately changing this into a strength!"}, {"questionTitle": "I keep on changing my life when things get tough", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "Is there a certain problem you feel about living the way you describe?As long as you feel satisfied with how your life is unfolding then youre making wise decisions.If you feel tension or that somehow doing as you describe is wrong, then the first step is to identify the way you feel your methodology described above has a role in working against your best interest.Basically, define what is problematic in order to address it."}, {"questionTitle": "I keep on changing my life when things get tough", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "There's a quote I love that says, \"Wherever you go, there you are\" and the book by the same name by Jon Kabat-Zinn may be very helpful for you. The thing about changing things up when they get tough is that they often aren't the things that need changing. The awesome (and challenging) thing about it is that when you work on the internal aspects that may need attention, you can learn to find a sense of centeredness that comes with practicing mindfulness and asking yourself who you really are and want to be. Through this deeper work, you can actually be in the midst of chaos and still feel that calm and peace within yourself. If you look for support in this journey from a counselor or therapist, I'd recommend looking for someone offering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (MCBT). Also helpful may be the online program of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MSBR) found here.There are in-person programs across the country, but this online self-guided version is free and a great resource!"}, {"questionTitle": "I keep on changing my life when things get tough", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "It's great that you are at least aware of what pushes you to seek change in your life.If you were in session with me, one of the first things I'd explore is what \"tough\" means for you. Is it relationship issues with other people? Or tasks related to your job? Or is it something else? It's important to know what you may be trying to escape in order to work with it. For example, if you tend to make changes when you are faced with a commitment, then there would be something about commitment that scared you and the work would be focused there.One thing to think about is that most people tend to run from things that they believe they can't handle or get through. Could this be happening in your situation? If it is, there could be some underlying fears present that you are incompetent or you will fail. What's interesting about that is that some people avoid change for the very same reasons. It's actually quite amazing that you handle so much change in your life and have for a very long time. That shows you can handle a lot!The last thought I have is that the more you push through the tough stuff, the more you will have confidence in your ability to do that. You don't have to feel confident to start the process--in fact, many people feel very vulnerable and terrified sticking with decisions that are out of their comfort zone. Having social support, even if it's just one person, is so important when you're facing your fears. That could mean counseling, or a partner, friend, family member, etc. Doing it alone is another level of tough.You may be at the point in your life where you are just seeking some answers and aren't feeling ready to address what's happening and that's OK. No one wants to go blindly into this kind of work. There's no rush to figure it all out right now. Give yourself some time to let things unfold!"}, {"questionTitle": "I keep on changing my life when things get tough", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "Many times when things become difficult to manage, is because we are getting out of our comfort zone, so we seek growth and change. Coping with the difficulties does make you more resilientand helps you to build the confidence you need to solve problems in the future.Now I wonder: are things getting tough in a way that you are not able to resolve them? Do you need to move or change to save yourself or prevent any harm? If so, it is OK to know when to remove ourselves form situations that harm us more than helping us. On the other hand, are the things getting tough because you need to learn a new skill? If so, how can you learn them and is there someone who can help you overcome this challenge? I help my clients to identify their strengths and areas where they can achieve growth, things like polishing up your resume and evaluate new job opportunities could help you discover a new you.If you would like to engage in counseling, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Cada vez que las cosas se ponen difciles, hago cambios en mi vida.He sido as desde que estaba en la escuela; antes me transfera de escuela. Ahora pienso cambiar de trabajo.Muchas veces cuando las situaciones se tornan en difciles de manejar, es porque nos sacan de nuestra zona de comodidad, con el propsito de buscar el cambio y el crecimiento. Manejar las dificultades si te vuelve ms resistente, y desarrolla tu autoestima para que puedas resolver problemas en el futuro. Ahora, te pregunto: se estn poniendo las cosas difciles al punto que no puedes manejarlas? Necesitas removerte de la situacin para evitar que te hagan dao? Si es as, entonces est bien reconocer cuando nos debemos remover de una situacin daina que nos daa ms de lo que nos permite crecer. O por el otro lado, Se estn poniendo las cosas difciles porque necesitas a prender una nueva destreza? Si es as, cmo puedes aprender esa destreza y quien te puede ayudar?Ayudo a mis clientes a identificar sus fortalezas y reas de crecimiento, el actualizar y pulir tu resume junto con explorar opciones de empleo, te puede llevar a descubrir nuevos talentos en ti.Si te gustara hacer una cita, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "I keep on changing my life when things get tough", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "Sometimes changes make sense. It may be helpful to talk to someone who you trust to get a sense of whether the changes that you are making are those that are considered adaptable or important changes that allow us all to grow. Another possibility is that you are changing things in an effort to get away from something that is uncomfortable or difficult. There are many other possibilities along this continuum.I would ask you to consider the following:What is leading you to want to change your job?What feelings are associated with this change? (Happy, sad, scared, anxious/nervous, confused, motivated, etc.)How is the job that you are looking to transfer to going to be better or different? Are the concerns that you have now going to travel with you?If you are hesitating to get another perspective (from trusted friends or family or some sort of career advisor in your area), where is the hesitation coming from?"}, {"questionTitle": "I keep on changing my life when things get tough", "questionText": "I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.", "answerText": "I recommend that you make a list of all the reasons you should change your life and all of the reasons you shouldn't change your life. Can the problem you are in be fixed? Is there others you can lean on for support? Are there other people you know who have been through a similar experience and are willing to share their story with you? It is important to rely on your support network to help you get multiple points of view. If you believe you need additional help, I suggest seeing a professional."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I wake up without having an anxiety attack?", "questionText": "I have these dreams of men, and they always seem to try to hurt me. It's gotten so bad that I first wake at 4:30, then 4:45, and finally stay awake by 6:00. I'm always the last one to fall asleep and the first to wake. I hate falling asleep. The longest I've went without sleep is three days.", "answerText": "That is awful! I am sure you are ready to start getting some rest. It's normal for us to wake a few times in the night, however, when we are dealing with high anxiety or stress, those times can turn into being up most night. Given that you are having these repeated dreams, I am wondering what might be going on in your life either now or in the past that could be triggering stress or maybe memories. It can help to draw the dream out in the morning or even to look for metaphor. In the long run, seeking counseling can help you sort all that outIn the meantime, self-soothing strategies may help you in the night when you wake and can't get back to sleep. This can be anything with your senses----getting a snack like tea and focusing on that taste, smelling something pleasant, listening to some relaxing music, looking through a magazine, taking a shower. Anything you can think of that might help you relax. If it involves needing to get up, that's okay! Getting out of bed can actually help you get out of that mind space and helps you associate your bed with relaxation/sleep vs anxiety making it more likely you will fall asleep once you lay down."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I wake up without having an anxiety attack?", "questionText": "I have these dreams of men, and they always seem to try to hurt me. It's gotten so bad that I first wake at 4:30, then 4:45, and finally stay awake by 6:00. I'm always the last one to fall asleep and the first to wake. I hate falling asleep. The longest I've went without sleep is three days.", "answerText": "The good news about your dreams is that your fears are right at the surface of your mind so you can study them and release some of the harm from the terrifying experiences you had which created these bad memories in the first place.The bad news is the feelings themselves are sickening.Probably a therapist would be very helpful for guiding you to unfold these uneasy feelings and their source.This type of deep work is easier with emotional support from someone. A therapist can give you this plus is knowledgeable about dynamics of someone having been emotionally harmed by another.Or, read a lot online and find out which articles resonate with your emotions.Luckily people are willing to express personal stories of recuperating a sense of peace and safety after being violated by someone."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I have panic attacks when I carry my baby?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Maybe you're fearful that you don't have enough skill or ability to take care of your child.Since you're writing your question it is likely you really do care and are capable, only have self-doubts as to your abilities."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with this anxiety that keeps me up all night?", "questionText": "I've been having horrible anxiety for the last week. I can't sleep. I get a sense of doom, and it's hard to breathe. I feel like nothing I do makes it better.", "answerText": "Anxiety is usually a sign of a current problem to which familiar emotional patterns of feeling similarly upset, attach themselves.Try to understand more about who you are, what you like, feel uneasy about, especially your deeper emotions of being emotionally harmed or injured by meaningful people.Anxiety is best addressed indirectly by understanding and kindly accepting previous hurt and fears from long ago.Once you feel at ease with dynamics of past situations then the current anxiety will decrease. This is because you will have adjusted and found new ways of handling otherwise frightening and overwhelming interactions and involvements with others."}, {"questionTitle": "What is social anxiety?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Almost everyone has some level of social anxiety. Because we need others to survive (this is overwhelmingly true in the research) it makes sense we worry about what others think.The thing to know is that social anxiety exists on a spectrum. Some people experience very little, some more, and some feel debilitated by their social anxiety. This can be influenced by past social experiences, including those within your family. Going through trauma can make it more likely you will experience higher levels of social anxiety.The ways in which we regulate social anxiety can be really backward. Because we are worried about embarrassment or judgment from others, we tend to overthink about our responses and react to people awkwardly, which robs us from our spontaneous responses and can make people feel uncomfortable around us. That doesn't always mean people are judging you, but it can still get in the way of genuine connection.Ruminating about what others think of you doesn't always mean you have a disorder. However, if it is interfering with your functioning in any setting, that may be a sign that you could benefit from help. You can always seek help no matter what level of social anxiety you have.With the condition of the nation right now, there aren't many groups running in person, but social anxiety groups are shown to be super effective for reduction of symptoms. There may even be some online groups you could partake in if you think you could benefit."}, {"questionTitle": "What is social anxiety?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Anxiety is not your fault or caused by anything you have or havent done. According to theNational Alliance on Mental Illness, 40 million adults, or 18% of Americans, experience an anxiety disorder.If you are suffering from social anxiety you may experience the following:Constant feelings of dread about social situations;A pounding or racing heart when interacting with others;Anticipating the worst aboutinteractions with others, regardless of evidence;Physical symptoms like headaches, sweating, shakes and jumpiness, trouble concentrating, a frequent need to urinate and stomach uneasinessThoughtslike,Its safer to stay at home...\"Fear of beingaway from a bathroom or medical servicesI know that anxiety can come with a stigma, and that may have stopped you from seeking the care you need in the past. Reach out to a counselor today."}, {"questionTitle": "What is social anxiety?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Social anxiety means feeling very uneasy in social situations. Often people are fearful of being judged, rejected, criticized, mocked, any bad feeling you can think of, even before they make any approach to someone in the group.Social anxiety is a fear someone has about being treated poorly without any sign which justifies feeling this way.If you walk into a group of people which specifically has a sign of not wanting to accept anyone who hasn't been part of the group for at least a dozen years, then walking into this group would justifiably trigger anxiety.If you walk into a business or organization meeting which assumes anyone who has an interest in the purpose of the group is welcome, and you do, and you feel anxiety imagining you'll fall short of expectations, is social anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "What is social anxiety?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Social anxiety is fear of social situations where someone is exposed to the public scrutiny of others. It could include things like having conversations with people you don't know, being observed, or public speaking, etc.You can find more information here: https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less afraid of people?", "questionText": "I am a female and in my early teens. I don't want to feel afraid of people. When I meet someone, I know that they are okay, but I still feel afraid.", "answerText": "First off, this is totally expected for someone your age! You are just moving into the phase of life where your \"job\" is to figure out your identity and who you are. It's no surprise you are afraid of people, if that's the way you feel you are struggling.If you are worried about people harming you, that paints a different picture. Do you struggle to trust your evaluations of others? What makes someone safe (ish) vs. potentially dangerous? Sitting down and coming up with some ways you have done this in the past or qualities of the people you trust now can help to disentangle what means safety and what means danger. We can never truly know how someone will behave, but if we always choose to never trust, then we miss out on connection as well.Your brain is still growing so the great news is it's so flexible to change. It remains flexible for the entire lifespan, but the teen years are really the last time it's so moldable.If there's someone in your life you can trust, reaching out for help can make how you are feeling less intense. It's never fun to deal with everything by yourself.Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less afraid of people?", "questionText": "I am a female and in my early teens. I don't want to feel afraid of people. When I meet someone, I know that they are okay, but I still feel afraid.", "answerText": "Maybe the problem is learning to trust yourself to not be afraid other people!Reflect on what you believe would increase your trust of believing your own judgement on whom to trust.If you've had any type of violation during your growing up years or witnessed someone in your family be violated, emotionally, physically or through some terrible accident or incident, then you may hesitate to believe other people are safe and not to be feared.Give yourself plenty of time and reassurance that as long as you are making sincere effort to increase you comfort around other people, eventually you will succeed."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to not shut down and say what's wrong with me?", "questionText": "When I get talked to by my dad or stepmom, or if I'm in trouble, I will begin to cry and not say what's wrong with me. When my dad or stepmom ask what is wrong, I never know the answers or the words to put together what is actually wrong with me.", "answerText": "I really admire that you want to express yourself to your parents! It's very normal to have fear about how to talk to a parent, let alone two at the same time. Most adults don't do what you want to do.Could you come up with what you want to say to them before you are feeling upset? What do you really need them to know? Also, do you want your dad and stepmom to meet certain emotional needs for you? Maybe they would benefit from knowing that you have a hard time expressing yourself when you are upset and can help to come up with ways to help you through that. Perhaps you need some space from them when you are crying, or maybe you need to talk to one parent alone vs both at the same time. You don't have to wait to be upset to have these conversations either--if you feel you can approach them when things are \"calm\" (whatever that means for your household), it may be easier to communicate.It's important to know they may not respond the way you want. It's up to you to decide if you feel safe or not to express yourself, but it seems like you want to if you are seeking an answer for this dilemma!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to not shut down and say what's wrong with me?", "questionText": "When I get talked to by my dad or stepmom, or if I'm in trouble, I will begin to cry and not say what's wrong with me. When my dad or stepmom ask what is wrong, I never know the answers or the words to put together what is actually wrong with me.", "answerText": "Maybe you need more time to reflect and organize your thoughts.Try to figure out what would make you feel more relaxed about talking to your dad or stepmom.Also its possible you simply don't feel safe around either of them and so intuitively realize you're better off not talking with them about a delicate matter.Depending on whether you trust talking to dad and stepmom, you may simply wish to excuse yourself from speaking about yourself.There's no good reason to be heartfelt with people whom you don't feel are willing to accept or understand who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my fear of public embarrassment?", "questionText": "A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want you to know that you are certainly not alone on this issue.Everyone, atsome point in time, has a fear of public embarrassment. But for manypeople, this fear can becomeso awful that it begins tohave a real negative impact on their quality of life.They willtry to avoid any situation that they even THINK will cause them embarrassment or anxiety. Escaping a possible embarrassing moment by avoiding or isolating may cause some relief at first, but then many times the avoidance will eventuallylead to loneliness, isolation, and even despair. By avoiding, we can also miss out on things that make us feel alive and bring enjoyment. There are many self-help books that offer advice on this issue. You can do an internet search, and I recommend reading the reviews of the book. That is great way to find out if others have found the book helpful. Another option is to seek a counselor to help you with this fear.I would recommend a counselor who specializes in helping people who have anxiety or social anxiety. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is a good choice for helping with anxiety, but there are many others. The truth is that anxiety and fear of embarrassing ourselves is not something that any of us will ever \"get over\", but we can learn to respond to those feelings differently. A colleague may offer some other advice, as well.. Be wellRobin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my fear of public embarrassment?", "questionText": "A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me.", "answerText": "When I talk with clients about social anxiety sometimes I'll ask them what they would do if their anxiety was manageable. Would you want to be more social? Would that improve you quality of relationships in your life? These answers can clarify what you want your life to look like and how much socialization you are truly interested in.It's normal to have thoughts and fears about what others are thinking of us, otherwise we'd be pretty shameless in our behavior!Even though we feel as though we are in the spotlight, the truth is that most people are not focused on us. There's hundreds of thousands of stimuli the brain processes (especially at a party!) and you are a very small percentage of that. Think about it this way--if you are at a party with a bunch of other people, why would you be in \"center stage\" vs anyone else at that party? When people are worried about embarrassment or judgment, they typically act in ways to be less visible in public. Chances are, people notice you less than they notice others simply because of avoidance behaviors.I don't think it's needed to attend every social event because who has the energy for that?! But pushing yourself to engage can teach your brain that you can push yourself through these events. The more you avoid, the more your brain will because the situation is something to fear. If you can, stick with someone you trust or connect to. That could help you to enjoy the experience more and frame it somewhat positively.If you really struggle on your own, you could visit a counselor and work on some strategies that fit for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my fear of public embarrassment?", "questionText": "A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me.", "answerText": "Why not accept and tolerate that you naturally are a shy person who doesn't like large groups?This is not necessarily something to get over if it is part of who you are.People have the capacity to judge others regardless of whether the group is large or small.If you aren't afraid of being judged in small groups then study the factors which allow you to feel safe in small groups.Possibly you can generalize your findings to large group venues.If you try the and aren't successful, then likely you simply aren't naturally someone who cares for large group settings.Not everything a person doesn't like is a symptom of something is wrong w the person!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I talk to my psychologist about upping my dose of Xanax?", "questionText": "Ive been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.", "answerText": "Do you think you're abusing xanax?It is a highly addictive drug so maybe one reason you feel compelled to take more is bc you already are addicted.Drugs don't do anything helpful in solving life's problems. Once the effect wears off, the stressful situation is once again waiting for you to address it.Think over your reason for not directly asking your psychologist about upping your dose.Also, do you ever talk about your life problems with this psychologist or only your need for drugs? The more gradual path to a better life is to not need drugs in the first place. This consists of your willingness to face the matters that are creating such terrible feelings inside you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I talk to my psychologist about upping my dose of Xanax?", "questionText": "Ive been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.", "answerText": "Staying on the lower dose may give you more room to learn strategies for coping with your anxiety. Medications are so helpful, and needed at times, but it's also important to have a varietyof tools you use to manage your responses to stress. If you are not already seeing a therapist, consider finding one who can help you learn some effective strategies, like replacing self-defeating thoughts with ones that work better for you, or mindfulness, relaxation, or other tools to keep your anxiety in the manageable range!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I talk to my psychologist about upping my dose of Xanax?", "questionText": "Ive been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.", "answerText": "In general, Xanax is very short-acting.You mentioned that you are afraid that your medical provider will take you off of the Xanax and put you on something else. If the Xanax is not working well for you, I wonder if something else may work better. What is your reasoning there? Also, sometimes there are medications that you can take in addition to Xanax.In addition to talking with your medical provider about changing the medication, try to track your levels of anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10 throughout the day so you can get a pattern of what is happening. Also consider writing down what is happening before you have anxiety attacks. This may help your medical provider know what medication may be helpful to you or what changes could be made.As far as how to discuss this with your medical provider, I would suggest mentioning the symptom changes you are having (anxiety attacks that are not helped with 0.5mg of Xanax) and ask what they would suggest that might help. If your medical provider suggests taking you off of the Xanax, I would recommend talking about the reasons why you would prefer to stay on the Xanax and what your concerns are about coming off of it. You could also ask whether anything could be combined with Xanax.There are also many other anxiety medications. I have seen lots of people that take more than one medication to lessen anxiety that they are having.I would also consider talking with a therapist (unless the person who is prescribing a medication is also doing therapy with you). Getting more information about your anxiety and how it is affecting you may be greatly helpful to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I talk to my psychologist about upping my dose of Xanax?", "questionText": "Ive been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. While counselors work closely with medical providers, and sometimes have discussions about medications with people, we rarely make recommendations about how much or what typeof medicationa person should be taking. This is because prescribing and advising on medication is out of our scope of practice. The only exception would be if a counselor is also a physician, nurse practitioner, physician's assistant, etc. Having said that, I certainly understand that anxiety is a real serious problem that many folks struggle with. If you are currently not in therapy to help you with these panic attacks, you should consider it. Medications can be helpful for anxiety, and medications like Xanax may help for immediate relief, but they do nothing to deal with the root of anxiety and may not help with anxiety long-term. Therapists who have experience in exposure therapies would be good people to start with. Exposure therapy hasgood outcomes for people with anxiety disorders and panic attacks. If you are interested in speaking with your provider about the Xanax, I think explaining it the way you did on here is just fine. The provider will then decide if they feel comfortable increasing your medication. Please remember that medical providers are not trying to give people a hard time. Medications like Xanax really are highly addictive. The more you take, the more you may feel you need. The more often you may feel you need to use it. Depending on the frequency and amount of use, some people suffer serious withdrawal symptoms when they do not take the medication. It is a good idea to talk to medicalprovider about all of those things so that you can partner on right course of action to manage this anxiety. I certainly hope that you get some relief.... I know anxiety is awful.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How is it that I fear going to sleep?", "questionText": "I just about fall asleep then I can't help but sit up and walk around.", "answerText": "This is very common! Sleep is when we are most vulnerable and it requires our bodies to let go of control and lose awareness of a lot of our environment.Has anything bad ever happened to you at night or when you were sleeping? This could be something to consider. Your body may be feeling a need to protect you by not letting you relax and instead keeping you awake and aware to anything around you.Could you be worrying about what is happening the following day? It's also normal to have pressures of the next day rolling through our minds before our bodies commit to sleep. If you pay attention to what you are thinking about before bed, that could tell you a lot about what you worry about in your life.Not everyone is into meditation or mindfulness, but these methods can help send the message to your brain that you are safe. There are some pretty neat apps like Calm and Headspace, or mindfulness videos on youtube that have a variety of tools to fit what you may need. It may take a while for these to really start to show results, so keep at it if you have the chance.Journaling can also be a great way to release some of the stress from the day and silence the mind a bit.Consulting with a doctor may also be a plus if your sleep continues to be impacted. Not having proper sleep can lead to more anxiety and reduce the body's capabilities to regulate emotion, leading to worsened sleep. Sometimes having a buffer there can help get your sleep on a better track while you work on the anxiety.Hope you find some of this helpful!"}, {"questionTitle": "How is it that I fear going to sleep?", "questionText": "I just about fall asleep then I can't help but sit up and walk around.", "answerText": "Maybe you are afraid to let go of your problems for a few hours.Although you didn't write this, usually what keeps people awake or prevents them from falling asleep are worries about certain situations in their lives.If this describes you then. maybe talk with yourself to convince you that you are entitled to a good night's sleep.Really we all are and feeling rested from the day and life's tensions will better you to handle whatever the particular matters are.Also, maybe you will be more enthusiastic to go to bed if you have a comfy mattress and nice pillows! Make your bed an inviting place because this will tempt you to enjoy relaxing enough to go to sleep!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle my extreme paranoia?", "questionText": "I'm just an extremely paranoid person. I constantly feel as though I am in some sort of danger, like as though I live in a horror movie with no resolution. It worsens at night. It gets to the point I'm scared in my own home more so than anything. I have no access to the help I need so I'm desperate.", "answerText": "One approach is to be more accepting of yourself as someone who has fears.It is much easier to manage a problem when you're not fighting yourself for having a problem.Once you are willing to accept this quality within yourself you may start to feel a little more relaxed about handling the fears when they arise.One answer is to examine the facts about the fears. Ask yourself fact based questions as to how you would handle the worse case scenario of your fears.Feeling prepared, whether or not the circumstance is highly unlikely to happen, may increase your peace of mind with living the great fears within your mind."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I scared to touch a girl?", "questionText": "I don't know if I'm normal. I'm really scared to touch a girl. I'm a young adult and a virgin. My fiance and I want to have sex soon, and this might mess everything up because she wants a baby soon as well.", "answerText": "Only going off of the information in your question, it seems like you maybe have some performance anxiety and fear disappointing your fiance.Fear can be tricky in the sense that it quite often masquerades as something that seems under our control. For example, your fear of touching a girl may actually be a fear of being incompetently intimate or a bad fiance--It's easier to deal with those fears by avoiding touch because that gives you control and how else would you deal with those fears?I wonder if your fiance can be of any help to you. It's scary to admit fears to people close to us but they can also offer some of the best support if that's been something you've experienced with her in the past.It sounds like you are really hard on yourself as well. It's normal to have anxiety about your first time having sex---that's a really special milestone! Maybe it's worth looking into performance anxiety tips? That can help you feel more prepared without removing the spontaneity of intimacy.If it feels like nothing is working for you, you could see a counselor or sex therapist to explore more of that fear. It's nothing to be ashamed about because it does happen to both men and women!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I scared to touch a girl?", "questionText": "I don't know if I'm normal. I'm really scared to touch a girl. I'm a young adult and a virgin. My fiance and I want to have sex soon, and this might mess everything up because she wants a baby soon as well.", "answerText": "Your question is a good one!The best way to decrease the fear would be to talk with your fiancee about it. Eventually she'll find out, and better to talk about it when there is less pressure than to be in the midst of a situation which frightens you.Also, she may feel similar to you, who knows?Discussing a topic which relates directly to your relationship is a good way to increase emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy has a lot to do with feeling at ease with physical intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed out?", "questionText": "I shake and have panic attacks.", "answerText": "So glad you are reaching out. Panic attacks are very frightening.For some reason (and I promise there is one) your brain is sending off false alarms even though you are probably safe. This is called the fight or flight response and part of the body's way of fighting off perceived threats (including those that are not genuinely dangerous).Some reasons people have panic attacks is if they are under too much emotional or physical stress, any type of exhaustion or lack of sleep, history of trauma, unprocessed emotions, etc. You don't have to know why you are having panic attacks to work with them, but it can help to understand its origins and target them at the source.Something to know is that the presence of anxiety does not mean you are in any danger, no matter how much your body is elevated. Anxiety is just our body's way of letting us know something is off, though it often exaggerates the response because it doesn't always operate from a place of logic. Triggers could be as small as a word, smell, time of day, or really anything. Triggers can also be physical sensations inside our bodies. Though panic attacks are very scary and feel incredibly uncomfortable, they will not kill you.What message might your body be sending you via panic attacks? Is there any area of your life you could step away from at all to give yourself some relief? If you pay attention to when panic attacks happen, that could clue you into what is setting off that false alarm.Some apps that are really great for relaxation and use breathing techniques are Calm, Headspace, PanicShield, etc. Try some out and see which ones really fit for your needs. Breathing is a great tool because you always have it right there with you and it's something you can control when it feels like your body is out of control."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed out?", "questionText": "I shake and have panic attacks.", "answerText": "One way to understand panic attacks is as a sign of feeling insecure or lacking confidence in a certain area or characteristic of yourself.The insecurity can sometimes feel overwhelming and this starts the sense of panic.One way to build your sense of security within yourself is to have a simple life and a slow paced life. When there are many activities or involvements to pay attention, then it is easy to not give full attention to all of them. This may trigger a sense of insecurity since in fact you may not have had sufficient time to study and know your own opinion about all of what your life is immersed in.A simpler life of fewer activities allows more time to know and understand your own inner feelings and reactions.To know more about yourself may help build your confidence and security in your ability to know and live what goes on in your life!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed out?", "questionText": "I shake and have panic attacks.", "answerText": "One of the first things I would suggest is to see if you can keep track of what is leading you to feel anxious.If you shake all the time, consider talking with your primary care physician. Sometimes that can be a hormonal imbalance or another chemical imbalance (such as thyroid).One of the most difficult things about anxiety is that having anxiety (particularly panic attacks) can lead to anxiety about having more panic attacks. Also remember that panic attacks are typically part of your brain's protective response to what it considers to be some sort of threat. You may have heard of the fight or flight response. When you have an anxiety attack, your body is preparing you to react to something that isn't actually a threat, so it's almost as if you're fight or flight response is overactive. Here is an image that may be helpful:http://psychology.tools/fight-or-flight-response.htmlThere are many different things you can do. You can practice breathing, mindfulness, meditation, or yoga techniques. If you decide to try some breathing techniques, try breathing in for a count of five, holding for a count of five, breathing out for a count of five, and repeating five times.Also remember that it is easier to learn these techniques when you're not having a panic attack. At that point, it can be really difficult to use methods to not panic. Also remember that panic attacks typically last 5 to 10 minutes. Using techniques to slow your breathing or become focused on the room around you is probably most helpful when you first start to feel anxious.Here are some other techniques that may help to decrease anxiety:http://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-to-reduce-anxiety-right-here-right-now/As you figure out what is leading up to your anxiety, also consider asking yourself what is making that certain issue a big concern for you. Another important question could be when you have felt that way before."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my fear of eating in public?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It's so brave of you to want to confront your fear!If you want to work with that fear, it might be helpful to try it at home first with someone you trust. Because the nation is basically in lock down right now, it could be an opportunity to prepare this way. Notice what you may be thinking when eating in front of someone. You could even get a recording of a busy place and do some imaginal exposure--imagining an experience while sitting through the rise in anxiety.Once public places start opening back up, you can start small--maybe with gum or something that doesn't fill the mouth too much or create a loud noises. If you do this repeatedly, it will tell your brain that eating food in public is not dangerous to you and nothing bad happens. The more you practice doing this, the less scary it will become. If you avoid it, it will teach your brain that it's a situation to fear. It's not always possible to stick through it every time (just do the best you can at the moment) and keep trying.I don't know enough about your situation to comment on any other factors, but it's possible there are some social anxieties underpinning your fears. Pretty common to feel super insecure with food if you fear judgment of others or ruminate on being ridiculed.If you have someone in your life that can just be with you while you practice this in public, that may be a way to keep yourself accountable and get some good support along the way!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome my fear of eating in public?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Are you able to eat any food in public?Start with what is easy.If you're able to eat your own selection of particular foods in public and see the results of whatever you are fearful may happen from eating in public, then gradually this becomes your motivation to add more categories of food.Also, notice whether you have different reactions depending on the setting in which you are eating a particular food.It is possible you'll see a pattern of your preferences for certain eating environments. Maybe you'll notice you like loud restaurants and maybe you'll notice you don't like loud restaurants.The more you satisfy your particular needs for your own comfort in eating in a public place, the more likely you'll have success in overcoming your fear!"}, {"questionTitle": "When I'm around children I get this intense feeling of paranoia and fear", "questionText": "I'm a male in my early 20s. Lately, my paranoia about being around kids is causing me too breathe heavy and sweat a lot. I then start to act weird because I'm trying to fight my paranoia. This leads to people starring at me because they don't know that I'm suffering from panic attacks and paranoia. They just notice me acting scared around kids and they think I'm a threat because of it. I'm not a pervert or predator. I would never hurt a kid. I like kids and don't know why I'm so scared to be around them. I don't understand why I feel like this. Am I a bad person? How do I make this stop?", "answerText": "Your very concern about your response to being around children shows that you aren't a bad person--it actually speaks to that you care.Panic attacks are really scary and not easy to deal with. I wonder what you mean by paranoia--does this mean you are worried about your body's response when you are around kids? Do you worry about their behavior? Or does paranoia for you mean that you are worried about other people's judgments of you because of panicking? If what you are saying is that you are trying to fight off the anxious feelings you have, it could intensify your symptoms because emotions want to be acknowledged. One way to help manage through that is via deep breathing. You can check out some videos on youtube that you vibe with and the nice thing about practicing this is it's very easy to do in public without people noticing.I'm also curious about more of the details of what your experience is like. Are there certain age ranges or behaviors that trigger your anxiety? Figuring out the specifics of what sparks that response in your body will give you some basic insight into why you are feeling that way and what types of situations to prepare yourself for. You can do this by paying attention to what happened right before you started feeling anxious.If you are looking for more personalized ways of working through your anxiety, a counselor can help personalize treatment for you. There are a lot of telehealth counselors available right now at lower rates due to the COVID issue as well.Overall message here is there's so much you can do and your anxiety means nothing bad about you!"}, {"questionTitle": "When I'm around children I get this intense feeling of paranoia and fear", "questionText": "I'm a male in my early 20s. Lately, my paranoia about being around kids is causing me too breathe heavy and sweat a lot. I then start to act weird because I'm trying to fight my paranoia. This leads to people starring at me because they don't know that I'm suffering from panic attacks and paranoia. They just notice me acting scared around kids and they think I'm a threat because of it. I'm not a pervert or predator. I would never hurt a kid. I like kids and don't know why I'm so scared to be around them. I don't understand why I feel like this. Am I a bad person? How do I make this stop?", "answerText": "In our practice, many people we see have unwanted thoughts of doing harm to children - physically or sexually. As you said, these are intrusive and unwanted thoughts - not genuine desires to harm them. This is a form of OCD we often call Harm or Pedophilic OCD. What you are describing here as \"paranoia\" sounds similar to this, and is so demoralizing because you are dealing both with the distress of these unwanted thoughts and feelings, as well as the fear and uncertainty about your own character as a good person.If this is really what is going on (further assessment by the right professional would determine this), the current gold standard approach to addressing OCD is Exposure with Response Prevention - in this case, confronting the feared situations, thoughts or images on purpose,rather than avoiding them, until they lose the fear and shame associated with them."}, {"questionTitle": "When I'm around children I get this intense feeling of paranoia and fear", "questionText": "I'm a male in my early 20s. Lately, my paranoia about being around kids is causing me too breathe heavy and sweat a lot. I then start to act weird because I'm trying to fight my paranoia. This leads to people starring at me because they don't know that I'm suffering from panic attacks and paranoia. They just notice me acting scared around kids and they think I'm a threat because of it. I'm not a pervert or predator. I would never hurt a kid. I like kids and don't know why I'm so scared to be around them. I don't understand why I feel like this. Am I a bad person? How do I make this stop?", "answerText": "Your question is written in a very sincere tone. This, together with the fact of searching for self-understanding, sound more like someone who is unsure and puzzled, not someone who is \"bad\".What was your own childhood like?The sensations you describe feeling sometimes occur in people who are reminded of very deep hurts from during their own childhood.Is it possible what you're feeling is from being reminded of great distress you lived through when you were at a similar age as the kids around whom you feel this sudden and great paranoia and fear?"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I find pleasure in thinking about killing?", "questionText": "I am a peaceful person, but I often find myself having thoughts about killing people. Eventhough I like the thoughts at the time, they make me cry. Why do I feel like this?", "answerText": "Let me point a couple things out to you.These thoughts obviously go against your core values, otherwise they wouldn't upset you! Having thoughts about killing people bugs you, and that's a GOOD sign.You are also concerned enough to reach out on this chat forum. That tells me you have put some time into worrying about these thoughts and what they mean.There's absolutely nothing wrong with a thought. We all have extreme thoughts in life because our brains are built to wander. Unless you are acting on these thoughts, they are not dangerous. It's important to note that having a thought doesn't mean you are that thought. It's pretty easy to assume that our thoughts are who we are, but that couldn't be less true. If we were our thoughts, we'd be so many different things at once it'd be unimaginable!Something I wonder is if these thoughts feel intrusive to you. Even if you enjoy them, do they seem to show up without invitation? When a thought is intrusive in nature, it can often make someone feel as if it is uncontrollable and holds more weight than less intrusive thoughts.It is also interesting that you mention finding pleasure in thinking about killing in the sense that it's definitely giving you some psychological relief in the moment. From that, I have two thoughts: 1) could it mean you are trying to cope with something socially upsetting to you via these types of thoughts? and 2) I'm wondering if there is any repressed anger in your life. You mention being a peaceful person. Are you usually the peacemaker in your social world? Do you feel as if people take advantage of you or that you don't have a voice? Those situations can breed anger and resentment. If you don't allow yourself to feel or express anger, the brain will find a way to do it for you and it's not weird or strange that it would want to send out thoughts that clearly get your attention!Another thing you could try is tracking when the thoughts come up. Keeping a log can help shed light on what may be triggering them and what their purpose may seem to be.Wishing you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I find pleasure in thinking about killing?", "questionText": "I am a peaceful person, but I often find myself having thoughts about killing people. Eventhough I like the thoughts at the time, they make me cry. Why do I feel like this?", "answerText": "Maybe because you have great emotional pain stored inside you of which you are not aware exists.Sometimes people who feel greatly hurt by others or who feel unloved by others, imagine if they do the opposite of love, which is to kill, that they will get the recognition and acknowledgement from others which they wish would come to them in a loving way.This is my theory, it is not necessarily a definitive description of your inner dynamic.Most important is to keep an open mind to self-discovery on your feelings, including the ones which are uneasy, such as killing, to consider."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I find pleasure in thinking about killing?", "questionText": "I am a peaceful person, but I often find myself having thoughts about killing people. Eventhough I like the thoughts at the time, they make me cry. Why do I feel like this?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Clearly this is something that has you very concerned. Sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, and they are pretty harmless.Many people have thoughts of killing someone, but they would never actually do it. They really don't even want to do it, they are just having a thought.Other times,thoughts are a sign of something more serious, and we should receive help when they start to worry us. I would recommend meeting with a counselor to discuss these thoughts. It is usually a safe environment where you can get advice with little judgement. Now, If you begin to start thinking about killing someone specific and making a plan to do it in reality- you should call for help immediately. By help, I mean 9-11,or a family member or friend. You would want to get help before doing something to harm yourself and others. Again, none of this is to judge, but rather to encourage you to get the help you're seeking. Either way, when we become concerned about some aspect of our behavior, seeking counseling is usually a good choice. Be well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't want to keep going back and forth between my parents' houses", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "Sounds like a lot is going on right now at such a young age. I'd start with discussing with mom your concerns and ideal situation. I'm unsure what prevents you from staying there, but whoever you are staying with, it should be brought to their attention. In regards to your anxiety attacks, deep breathing is always a benefits. I have a link you can use to help to do this online if you are interested. In addition, finding ways you usually cope with anxiety and what's worked before can help and if it isn't, exploring new way to calm you down can be beneficial. This is something you can speak with your therapist about going forward when they are available.In regards to feeling suicidal: I would call suicide prevention hotline (You can google them) if you truly feel the ideation is getting worse. They are professional agents who can speak with you about your ideation and help you through the process. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't want to keep going back and forth between my parents' houses", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "That's a really tough situation and it can feel like you have no control as a teen.Have you checked your state's laws? In some states, you can choose which parent you live with as long as you are above a certain age.How comfortable do you feel about talking to your mom about staying there? Maybe there's a way she can help advocate for you? Or support you in the ways you need?Try to remember that although it may feel like this is your life forever, you only have less than a year until you can make those kinds of decisions for yourself. When your therapist becomes available again, it may help to come up with a plan to make it through the time you do have left. That can include things that help calm you, things that help you survive your dad's house if you have to go, friends you may be comfortable confiding in, etc. If you are feeling like you need more emotional support, you can text HOPE to 741741 (the Hopeline)--they are a great resource that doesn't require too much privacy if you are around other people."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't want to keep going back and forth between my parents' houses", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "At age 17, I think you are old enough to decide which parent you want to stay with full-time. I would gently and lovingly tell your father that you've decided to stay with your mother. You can offer to visit him regularly, if you'd like. Parents often have a hard time letting go and, especially in divorce situations, your dad might feel as though he's \"lost the battle\" if you go live with your mom. He might also feel he's lost you. If your dad is unrelenting and the situation unbearable, you can ask a judge to modify the custody agreement."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't want to keep going back and forth between my parents' houses", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "OK first things first. We have to think of your safety and take care of those thoughts of hurting yourself.Yes, this is a major problem for you and can cause anxiety and depression. You have the right to be sick and tired. Kids often are pawns in this marital problems that their parents have. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.I am not sure of your rights in the state you live in but as far as I know you as a 17 year old you have the right to stay where you want.So your'e going through an anxiety episode and your therapist is not available. If I'm the therapist we would have already set up a plan so that if you are in this situation you would know what to do. In the worst case scenario you would be able to contact me.But I would have given you several exercises to help reduce your anxiety.Staying with your mom should be your choice. I know you probably don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but there are ways to ease the tension. Maybe with your permission and their agreement, we all could meet together for a session or two to ease your tensions and get over and through this hassle."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't want to keep going back and forth between my parents' houses", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "Have you told either of your parents that the current house rotation of where you stay, bothers you?Since each parent has an interest to be together with you, I imagine that to some degree, each cares how you feel.If these conversations are not getting your problem solved, then maybe your therapist can have a family session with your parents together and depending on the outcome, with you and each parent."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't want to keep going back and forth between my parents' houses", "questionText": "I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Divorce can be so disruptive in a child's life.I'd really need a lot more information about your situation before I'd feel comfortable offering any advice or suggestions. There are so many variables, and not knowing the whole story, any advice could possibly make your situation worse.I do see some positives, though.One, you say you have a therapist. That's great! I hope you're able to talk to them about this soon. Still, they can't give you legal advice, and a lot of this situation may be dictated by the law. What your therapist can help with, though, is dealing with whatever situation you have to follow by law. If you can't change the situation, you at least need to learn how to cope with it better.Two, you're 17. When you're 18, you're legally an adult and will not be bound by any custody rules or visitation plans in place.Honestly, teenagers usually have a lot of say with the courts in custody arrangements. Since you didn't specify more on the situation, I have no idea what your specific situation is. Were your parents ever married? Are they separated or divorced? Was there ever a court hearing for custody? Not all couples have an official court order arrangement. All families are different, too. Was there abuse between your parents? Towards you by one of them? Does either of them have addiction issues, major health or mental health issues, or anything like that? You mentioned that you want to live with your mom, but didn't say why. Are you afraid to tell your dad you want to stay with your mom? Is mom the lenient and fun parent while dad is the more strict one, or is there something else going on? This isn't a decision that should be placed entirely on you, and it also isn't a decision that anyone else needs to make on your behalf without your input. But advice on what to do needs to come from the people who know more about your situation so they can help recommend the best thing for you.Whatever you do, hang in there! 18 will be here before you know it. Focus on that. Freedom. College. Plan for your future that YOU control, and focus on making it the best it can be. Do not let the anxiety and depression cloud your thoughts and make you do something irreversible."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I shake self-doubt about sex?", "questionText": "I get very nervous and anxious/scared before sex.", "answerText": "Tell your partner about this so that ideally the person has a chance to be supportive and reassuring, as well as listen to your specific worries and fears.Initiate this type of discussion at a time which is removed from the time youre about to have sex.This way you and your partner both have a chance to realize the two of you are having a discussion, not a prelude to sex.If you meant in your question that you feel anxious about having sex w a random partner, then maybe you are less interested in hookup sex than you imagined."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I shake self-doubt about sex?", "questionText": "I get very nervous and anxious/scared before sex.", "answerText": "I first wonder what your anxiety or fear connects to. I don't know whether it is about sex itself or about ideas of worthiness or feeling desirable.There is also a difference between having self-doubt about the actual physicality of having sex (performance-related) or having doubts about whether you want to have sex with a particular person.Having sex can lead to feelings of great vulnerability. If your partner is someone you trust, consider discussing what it is that comes up for you around the issue of sex. This is the certain things that your partner would be willing to do that and the ease your discomfort, like staying with you for some time before and after sexual interactions.Another idea to consider is spending time with your partner and using nonsexual touch for each other (perhaps first you to him and then him to you) and communicating very clearly about what you like and do not like. Some people like to be spoken to during physical touch and other people do not. All of this can be part of your discussions. When you feel comfortable with that, you could move into sexual touch in this manner and actually look at what you do and do not like. You may also consider discussing things that are totally off-limits for you all the time and things for which you would like warning or awareness before they happen. There are really a number of different ways to work on becoming more comfortable if you trust your partner and if your concern is about sex itself.If this feels pretty structured, it is initially. Generally, the idea is to learn more about each other and yourselves and then the process becomes much more natural.If the concern relates more to self-esteem related sex, consider asking your partner to list several things that he or she likes about you. Even if you don't necessarily see yourself in the same light, consider that this is how your partner sees you, so these are some of the things that make you attractive to them (perhaps both in sexual ways and in a wider discussion of the relationship).If this is difficult for you to sort out on your own, consider seeing a therapist with experience working with couples or relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I atone for being cowardly?", "questionText": "I panicked over a minor parking lot mistake. It was totally my fault, but due to another insurance issue, I left a note with an illegible phone number. Guilty over this, I got an envelope containing several hundred dollars. Unfortunately, by the time I returned, the other driver had seen my ersatz note and drove away. Since I cannot make this up to that individual, how do I atone for my cowardly act? I have been trying to do random acts of kindness in hopes that karma will somehow even out.", "answerText": "From your writing, you have already atoned for what you describe as \"cowardly\".Recognizing your action and trying to directly correct it, realizing your action was improper and demonstrating the willingness to take right action, are all examples of making things right.Since the actual driver is unavailable to consult as to their wishes on what they expect and feel would correct the matter, you did the next best thing and considered the situation from the driver point of view."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I atone for being cowardly?", "questionText": "I panicked over a minor parking lot mistake. It was totally my fault, but due to another insurance issue, I left a note with an illegible phone number. Guilty over this, I got an envelope containing several hundred dollars. Unfortunately, by the time I returned, the other driver had seen my ersatz note and drove away. Since I cannot make this up to that individual, how do I atone for my cowardly act? I have been trying to do random acts of kindness in hopes that karma will somehow even out.", "answerText": "Thanks for sharing as it shows your humanity and that you have a sensitive conscience. In your example here I'd encourage you to always think, \"safety first\"; and never offer a stranger at the accident scene \"...several hundred dollars\". Why? Because it could go badly against you (i.e. extortion, robbed, or would this be considered a bribe). To the point, I'm reminded of Steps Eight and Nine in many 12-step programs regarding making amends. In your specific example since the injured unidentified party departed, and by your own admission you've been doing random acts of kindness, it seems to me you've acted in reasonable good faith fashion to make amends. Well done. I'm not a karma expert but as a therapist I would invite you to explore the deeper story behind your use of the words \"cowardly\", \"guilty\", and what it does for you to engage in \"random acts of kindness\". What a fascinating journey this could be for you. Best wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there anything I can do to make my anxiety go away?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and while Ive never been to any kind of therapist, I noticed I experience several anxiety symptoms. I frequently find myself not going out and following my parent around the house. I can't go into stores (grocery stores specifically) on my own, and when I do, I have to be on the phone with my dad the whole time. I also forget things a lot.", "answerText": "Despite your anxiety you are highly attuned to your sense of well being and skillful in articulating the details of when anxiety takes over.Sometimes people who anxious in specific realtime situations are helped by talking themselves through the anxiety.Maybe you'd be able to distract yourself from the grocery store anxiety by telling yourself you're anxious and that you'll be ok, its only a grocery store.The longer term way to dissolve anxiety is through self-acceptance, self-love, self-belief, basically all the areas of trusting yourself to handle situations.Anxiety is a fear of being overwhelmed by a circumstance or condition which ends badly for you.Often the person can very well handle the situation about which they're anxious. The problem is not trusting themselves enough to rely on their self knowledge."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there anything I can do to make my anxiety go away?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and while Ive never been to any kind of therapist, I noticed I experience several anxiety symptoms. I frequently find myself not going out and following my parent around the house. I can't go into stores (grocery stores specifically) on my own, and when I do, I have to be on the phone with my dad the whole time. I also forget things a lot.", "answerText": "With the way you described your anxiety, it sounds like you have different types of anxiety. I'm not sure whether you have anxiety of public places, large crowds, being alone (sometimes called separation anxiety), or some combination thereof.One thing that would be helpful would be to track your anxiety and see how anxious you are (on a scale of 1 to 10) in different situations. Also, if you know what leads up to your anxiety, it would be good to know this as well so you can look for patterns.As for forgetting things, you could be anxious because you are forgetting things or you could be forgetting things because you are anxious. When you are having anxiety, certain parts of your brain are overactive because you are in a kind of protective mode. It's also possible that forgetting things and anxiety are not related.Something else to try would be to notice where you feel your anxiety in your body and put your hand there is a way of giving yourself comfort.Another thing about anxiety is that having anxiety can lead to more worry about having more anxiety. One thing that helps for some people is to go to the regular primary care doctor to make sure that there are no physical problems (just for the regular physical) so they know that there are no physical problems and that the anxiety will lessen in a few minutes.Also, if you are able to notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair, this is helping you to be mindful of your body and connecting you to your surroundings. During this in combination with naming your emotions can be soothing as well. For example, in the grocery store, if you are feeling anxious, you could say to yourself \"I'm anxious right now and I'm okay\" while gently shifting your weight from one foot to the other. No one around you would notice what you were doing and the motion may be soothing to you.Anxiety can have a lot of different causes and things that trigger it. If it is difficult for you to work it out on your own (which is very common), consider talking with a local therapist so you can have more specific ideas.Also consider making a list of people who you trust and what it is about them that makes you feel comfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm not sure if I have social anxiety disorder", "questionText": "I feel too scared to meet people I don't know - even relatives. I don't ever raise my hand or talk in school. I feel like no one understands. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Social Anxiety is scary. You dont feel safe in relationships and prefer to isolate yourself from the outside world. Is it something you can talk to your parents about?A school counselor could help you. The counselor could possibly order an evaluation to determine how to help.Build your self confidence - Start slow with your family and identify a subject you are familiar with and add to a general conversation. Its important to start finding things in common with others. You dont need to carry the conversations, just add a phrase or two. Have an exit strategy if you get too uncomfortable. Keep notes of what worked and what didnt work so youll be prepared for your next opportunity. Carpe Diem!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm not sure if I have social anxiety disorder", "questionText": "I feel too scared to meet people I don't know - even relatives. I don't ever raise my hand or talk in school. I feel like no one understands. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "It certainly sounds like you have some anxiety. Before deciding whether it was social anxiety or a more general type of anxiety, I would wonder what it is that you think will result from you raising your hand or talking to someone you don't know. Here is some information on social anxiety:https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxietyI would recommend talking to a local mental health professional. It sounds like your anxiety is affecting your daily life and there are lots of strategies that may help to lessen that.Thanks for being brave to post here."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm not sure if I have social anxiety disorder", "questionText": "I feel too scared to meet people I don't know - even relatives. I don't ever raise my hand or talk in school. I feel like no one understands. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Congratulations on your courage to ask this question!This shows you are willing to engage with other people, just not in all situations, especially the in person ones.Start by \"meeting\" yourself.Reflect as thoroughly as possible as to what you imagine will be the outcome of meeting others or of speaking up during a class.Some people are afraid of being criticized or judged by other people, or do this to themselves inwardly. If you are judging or criticizing yourself to be less worthy of having opinions or views or of being who you are, than others, then the thought of actually placing yourself in this situation, would feel intolerable.One way to move out from this position of feeling less than others, is to recognize that these feelings are inside of you.Then it is possible to know at least on an intellectual level that it is not true that any one person is superior to another.All the people whom you are afraid to meet, also have their own insecurities.We are all equal in worth and in having blindspots about ourselves.Also, it is possible that you are naturally shy and may be expecting more from yourself than is reasonable, in terms of a standard about meeting others.You may have a few fears of being judged unfairly, you may also simply not enjoy being around people very much.Be aware to not push yourself beyond your natural limits. Overcoming fears of being judged is different than forcing yourself to do what is against your basic nature."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I text, call, or make contact first, the same day of the morning I left his house?", "questionText": "I've known him for about six years. We've dated off and on. I hadn't seen him in close to three years but recently started seeing him again. I really want this to last this time. I stayed the night. Do I text, call, or make contact first, the same day of the morning I left his house?", "answerText": "It is possible your question reflects some insecurity about whether or not either or you would like this relationship to continue.Otherwise, the answer to your question would appear naturally. If you genuinely feel close enough to this person to sleep with him, then who texts whom first, wouldn't really matter too much.Try to understand within yourself whether you feel truly interested in this person as much as you would like to feel toward someone."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I text, call, or make contact first, the same day of the morning I left his house?", "questionText": "I've known him for about six years. We've dated off and on. I hadn't seen him in close to three years but recently started seeing him again. I really want this to last this time. I stayed the night. Do I text, call, or make contact first, the same day of the morning I left his house?", "answerText": "I don't see why you can't call, text, or make contact first. It would be up to him to reply when he can and wants to, but I don't know why you couldn't initiate contact.One thing to consider as you get to know each other better is having conversations about conversations. For example, you could say \"I'd like to call or text you more often, but I'm concerned about _____ (listing what you are most worried about).\" Then he can discuss his reaction and you can have a dialogue about it."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel anxious and uncomfortable at parties or big social situations?", "questionText": "Example would be homecoming? I was at my high school's home football game on Friday, and I left because I felt uncomfortable with all the people there and I just wanted to be by myself. Why is that?", "answerText": "Hi! I'm Amelia. Oh, that is so frustrating! Have you ever heard of social anxiety? Sounds like you may be suffering from it. Here is a link to a quiz...https://www.psycom.net/social-anxiety-test/.Besides being a therapist, I am a Mom to 10 kids. A couple of my kids are very uncomfortable with crowds and become very anxious. Find yourself a therapist who can assess you and spend time with you to address these issues and to help you learn tools to help you navigate these emotions.I am wishing you the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have some type of anxiety?", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "It is possible that you could have or be developing an anxiety disorder. There isn't really enough information provided here to suggest a particular disorder, but it might be worth meeting with a counselor or therapist to do a formal assessment. Some of the questions they might ask could be what other kinds of physical symptoms you experience, how frequently these physical symptoms happen, what's going on for you when they tend to happen, and how frequently/intensely you find yourself worrying in general.Anxiety itself is a really natural thing - it's just when it starts interfering with your ability to \"do life\" the way you want that we start to consider potential disorders. It might be that for the most part, the anxiety you feel is normal and you simply have some triggers that intensify it more than usual. Working on your own or with the support of a counselor/therapist to both address those triggers at the root and also to develop ways of managing the actual anxiety symptoms. This two-fold approach can be really helpful for not letting anxiety keep you from engaging in life the way you'd like."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have some type of anxiety?", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "These types of symptoms can be very disruptive to life! Anxiety often presents in two key ways: 1) physical symptoms such as: racing heart rate, sweaty palms, dry mouth, shaking or trembling or nausea - often these physical sypmtoms are categorized as a Panic Attack. 2) mentally anxiety presents itself as worry. Worry that spirals out of control, worry that dirsupts your life and concentration. Worry that keeps from being present in your life. Anxiety when it begins to spiral out of control either with disruptive mental or physical symptoms, needs to be addressed formally. I urge you to see a counselor and/or a psychiatrist soon to begin to address these issues. Good Luck,Sitka Stueve, LSCSW"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have some type of anxiety?", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "Feelings of anxiety can be scary and sometimes we're not aware of the triggers that lead up to moments of anxiety, i. e., heart racing, sweaty palms, sweating, shortness of breath. It's important to realize that in moments of anxiety our body & mind are experiencing a reaction from our primal or reptilian brain that is signaling the flight or fight response within us, which kicks the hypothalamus into action flooding our body with chemicals, like adrenaline or cortisol. So, one way to work with anxiety is to find out what the triggers are that lead to anxiety, such as fear, stress. negative thought patterns, not enough food or sleep. Keeping a daily journal can help you track the patterns and triggers and once you identify the triggers you can ameliorate them by learning new skills & techniques and by reducing stress and getting enough sleep. One quick way to reduce anxiety is by taking deeper breathes, sometimes this is called belly breathing. When you breath in make sure your belly rises and expands and as you breath out the belly deflates. Many of us do shallow breathing up in our chest which does not allow for a full breath, and getting a full breath is so important as a tool to help relax us in times of stress & anxiety ."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have some type of anxiety?", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "I would suggest keeping a log of those days when you are having a hard time. Items to write would be what were you doing before you felt this way, did you eat and what, what time of day is it, how much sleep did you get that night, etc... This can help you identify any triggers. Further assessment can be made by a health care professional. It does sound like you are experiencing some symptoms of anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have some type of anxiety?", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "Yes, it seems like you may have a type of anxiety: but considering that it is intermittent, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist and explore what triggers the anxiety. Different types of anxiety are caused by different scenarios, memories, or stressors. Once you identify what triggers the anxiety, you may be able to identify thecopingmechanism that will help you handle your symptoms.Tengo algntipodeansiedad?A veces estoy bien, puedo salir a reunirme con personas, pero otros das, mi corazn se acelera y las palabras no salen de mi boca. Siempre pens que era normal y que solo estaba nervioso, pero el otro da, me tomo casi 30 minutos encontrar el valor para salir del carro y entrar a Target.Si parece que tienes un tipo de ansiedad, y considerando que es intermitente, puede ser til hablar con un consejero para explorar su causa. Hay diferentes tupos de ansiedad que son causados por diferentes estmulos, memorias y escenarios. Ya que logres identificar que causa tu ansiedad, entonces podrs aprender mecanismos de defensa que te ayuden a controlar la ansiedad."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have some type of anxiety?", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "Though I don't know for sure, it sounds like anxiety to me. I think it would be helpful if you work with a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have some type of anxiety?", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "Your, sitting in your car for 30 minutes, story sounds so sad and frustrating.Yes, you're describing classic symptoms of anxiety.Anxiety itself is the indirect result of repeatedly being in positions of feeling helpless or frightened.Are you able to recall from your growing up years of feeling insecure?You may not have felt loved and nurtured as much as you needed.Some people develop anxiety from missing enough love. They feel lacking in ability to take care of themselves, similar to the lack of being sufficiently taken care of when younger.Try understanding if you felt neglected emotionally.If \"yes\", then start the slow process of emotionally rewarding and acknowledging yourself.Progress will be slow.Eventually you'll stabilize the way you feel toward yourself.This will gradually result in decreased anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have some type of anxiety?", "questionText": "Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.", "answerText": "First, be aware that each end every one of us has anxiety at some point. That certainly seems to fit what you're describing here, but that doesn't mean you have an anxiety disorder, necessarily. That's where there is a difference. Anyone who has a hard time with public speaking or feels uncomfortable in large crowds, for example, is experiencing anxiety.It sounds like it would be helpful to look at the differences between the days when you are more comfortable on the days that you are not. If you notice your anxiety is keeping you from doing things that you need or want to do, it may be helpful to talk with and mental health professional.I wonder also whether your appetite and sleeping patterns are the same or similar to how they were before you experienced this anxiety, when your anxiety started, and whether you feel more comfortable when someone you trust is there with you.If you have an idea of times or situations in which you feel anxious, consider carrying a small smooth rock or another object that makes you feel calm and centered. Perhaps you can keep it in your pocket and remember specific comfortable times while you have it in your hand."}, {"questionTitle": "How to stop worrying in a long distance relationship?", "questionText": "My partner lives in Canada while I live in the US. We visit each other, but we go months in between visits. I have anxiety, and I'm always anxious about him cheating or still having feelings for an ex that he dated for three years. He doesn't understand my anxiety. How do I stop myself from worrying so much?", "answerText": "Would you worry less if you and your partner had a plan as to when you will be together as a couple?Long distance relationships are not for everybody. Some people need the daily or frequent interaction to feel secure.The question is not so much how to deal with anxiety that your partner is cheating on you than whether your own emotional and relationship requirements are satisfied with a long distance relationship.Anyway, cheating has nothing to do with distance since married people cheat while living together for years under the same roof!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I take my emotional support animal to school?", "questionText": "I have severe anxiety and have tried everything. Everything makes it worst.The only thing that helps is my emotional support animal.", "answerText": "Sorry to read of your suffering.Is it actually permitted that people are able to take support animals to school?I see your point of the animal helping you. I just also see the point that some people have allergies to animal hair or dander, or may feel distracted by an animal in the classroom.You may end up feeling worse, if when you bring your support animal to school, that it disturbs people or interferes with the routines of the class.For your anxiety, I suggest some loving kindness toward yourself. Be patient with yourself and that you have anxiety. If you're able to accept that some situations create great discomfort for you, maybe you'll tolerate these difficult situation.Embrace your anxiety as part of you, basically, rather than trying to banish it, which because it actually is part of you, is impossible to achieve.In a way, I'm suggesting you become your own \"support animal\". Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and see if you feel a little less stressed in school."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less afraid of rape?", "questionText": "Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.", "answerText": "Your fear is somewhat reasonable. No one wants to be raped and I imagine everyone is afraid of what being raped would feel like.Do you mean that this fear is on your mind more often than you would like?If this is the case, then try understanding the reason behind your fear.Is it because you personally know or know of someone who was raped? One general direction of what would help is to regain confidence in your decisions of keeping yourself safe. The more you trust yourself to avoid social situations with lots of drinking, isolated physical surroundings, and being in isolated locations with someone with whom you're not very familiar, probably your fear will decrease.The other general direction to understand is if in your family history, people have been violated severely, either emotionally, mentally, or physically.In families in which people have suffered severe violations of themselves, often the emotional patterning of expecting to be hurt by others, plants itself very deeply and transmits to the younger generation.Its possible then, that you are suffering from fears established in other family members who have not yet been able to fully understand and accept their own suffering.The good news is that individual therapy, with a credentialed and licensed therapist, is ideal for a safe place to open and clear this type of emotional burden."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less afraid of rape?", "questionText": "Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.", "answerText": "Why are you afraid of rape? Because it is a problem in the United States! The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports that one in five women (0r 20%) will be raped (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf) and that 80% of women know their assailant. Given these statistics, it is perfectly logical to be afraid. However, there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape, such as being aware of your surroundings, and limiting the use of drugs or alcohol.The Enhanced Access, Knowledge, Act program for college-aged women has been shown to reduce the risk of rape by more than 50%. (http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/factsheet/eaaa-enhanced-assess-acknowledge-act-sexual-assault-resistance-education) You may want to see if a program like this is available in your area.Another great app for when you need to walk somewhere alone, is the Companion App (http://www.companionapp.io). Friends or family can track your progress from one point to another via the GPS in your phone.In addition, talking with a counselor about your fears would also be a good idea. Sometimes fears are rational and reasonable. Sometimes they are over-reactions and unreasonable. When then are over-reactions and unreasonable, they can have a negative impact on your life. In this case, a counselor could help you understand why your fears are unreasonable, and how you can stop them from negatively impacting your life."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with all of my disorders?", "questionText": "I have attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, anger, and memory problems. I can't work. I have no income. I'm on medicine, but I feel worthless. I want to be normal.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. It sounds like you've had a traumatic experience that has impacted your life in many ways. Without knowing much about your history, I wonder if the trauma you suffered has lead to the anxiety, anger, and memory problems you are dealing with, in addition to PTSD. I would encourage you to look for a trauma therapist who offers a sliding scale or pro bono services. There may also be community mental health services in your area that offer free therapy if you are eligible for grant."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like Im watching my life from a window?", "questionText": "I never feel like myself. I cant even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I cant remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I dont know why I feel this way, but I hate it.", "answerText": "Hi Houston, Okay, something's definitely going on, right? My gut is to start with your family physician, because you have some physical symptoms. While it seems anxiety is a likely problem here, your doctor will hopefully know your history and can help you decide if you need some medical tests or some therapy. Without knowing more, that's all I can say at this point. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like Im watching my life from a window?", "questionText": "I never feel like myself. I cant even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I cant remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I dont know why I feel this way, but I hate it.", "answerText": "What you are describing sounds like it may be a form of dissociation. Dissociation is our mind's way of disconnecting us from aspects of our experience in an attempt to protect us in overwhelming situations. It also sounds like you are noticing anxiety in certain situations. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences, learn skills for coping with anxiety and reconnecting with yourself, and alleviate these symptoms over time."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like Im watching my life from a window?", "questionText": "I never feel like myself. I cant even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I cant remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I dont know why I feel this way, but I hate it.", "answerText": "Hello,I am wondering if you might be experiencing some form of dissociation. People who dissociate might feel like the world around them is unreal and unfamiliar, or that they are not really in their bodies and that they are observing themselves from outside of their bodies. Dissociation can also mean that there are parts of you that have \"split off\" and sometimes parts are can feel like they are at odds with each other or are locked in conflict. Sometimes dissociation happens after someone experiences a trauma. Therapy can help you to understand what is going on and help you to integrate your experiences and ultimately heal.I am a therapist in Houston who specializes in dissociation. On my website I have information specific to dissociation that might be helpful to you.Sarah"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I sick to my stomach when I stand up?", "questionText": "I had to put a restraining order against my ex-fianc. He was served last night. He was mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I thought it was my nerves, but every time I stand up, I get sick. If I sit and rock, I'm fine.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. You may be right, your physical symptoms of getting sick to your stomachmay very well be your nerves or anxiety. That is totally normal and understandable given your circumstances. Another thing that is not unusual is that you feel better when you sit and rock. That is actually a fairly common way that many people comfort themselves in times of high stress. If you are concerned that there is an actual physical illness causing these symptoms, you may want to visit your primary care provider. They may tell you that they don't see anything physically wrong with you, and at that point you may want to visit a counselor about the symptoms and your relationship experience. A visit with a counselor may be a good idea either way. I work as a counselor in primary care, and I promise you that many people have very real physical symptoms when they have gone through abuse. Unexplainable stomach and headaches are very common. Sometimes, with counseling, those physical symptoms actually stop. Be well, and I hope you feel better soon.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I convince my mother I have anxiety and panic attacks?", "questionText": "I've been dealing with this for years. My mom thinks I'm overly emotional and refuses to offer any help, like therapy or seeing a doctor. She's seen me when I'm having a panic attack and just said I was faking for attention or that I'm a hypochondriac. I just want to get better.", "answerText": "I don't know how old you are, but in Pennsylvania, if you are over 14, you can have therapy without your parents' consent. If you are young enough to use their insurance, that could be complicated, but depending on the state, there may be ways to work around that as well. If transportation is a problem, call a local mental health agency and see if they can connect you with assistance.In the meantime, try searching for a phone helpline in the county where you live. They may be able to help you figure out where you can get help.Another idea is that if you are in school, your guidance counselor may be able to provide links to where you can go for help. He or she may also be able to give you more specific ideas to help with your panic attacks.I know you said your mom refuses to offer help, which included seeing a doctor, but I wonder if she trusts the doctors that is your primary care physician (also called a family doctor) who you see when you have a minor medical ailment that may need medication. That doctor may be able to help you as well.Some of the information here may be helpful to you because it explains some of what anxiety is and there are some quizzes there that may give you information to discuss with a doctor or therapist when you get connected with one.http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-anxiety-disorders This may give you other information to speak with your mom about. Remember that I'm not asking you to actually diagnose yourself with one of these things, but just offering some basic information that may help you be able to talk about what is going on.If you are having a panic attack or having a moment of anxiety, try focusing on different things in the room around you. It may help to shift your focus briefly outside of what you are feeling and that may lessen the feeling a bit. Also remember that sometimes anxiety leads to more anxiety about having a panic attack in the future. Remember that they usually and after a few minutes.It would also be helpful for you to keep track of what leads up to your anxiety.Best wishes to you and keep trying until you get connected to someone."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I convince my mother I have anxiety and panic attacks?", "questionText": "I've been dealing with this for years. My mom thinks I'm overly emotional and refuses to offer any help, like therapy or seeing a doctor. She's seen me when I'm having a panic attack and just said I was faking for attention or that I'm a hypochondriac. I just want to get better.", "answerText": "How old are you?Are you old enough in your State to have therapy without your mother's consent?Your mom's attitude toward you may be one significant reason on why you feels so much tension in the first place.Don't let her opinions and beliefs get in the way of what you know about yourself.Are you in school and does that school have a guidance counselor?Would you talk with that person about your difficult getting your mom to retain helping services for you?Keep looking for local resources which will support you either directly or indirectly by advocating for your right to receive mental health care."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my fear of accidental pregnancy to have sex again?", "questionText": "I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", "answerText": "I would suggest possibly talking with a physician about all the different types of protection. They may be able to help you to know about all of the options that are available.It sounds like your partner is open to understanding your concerns. Perhaps until you have the chance to speak with someone about the effectiveness of different contraception and forms of protection, are either of you open to other forms of engaging in sexual intimacy (without penetration, but with use of vibrators, toys designed for sexual interactions, etc.)?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my fear of accidental pregnancy to have sex again?", "questionText": "I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", "answerText": "I am wondering who is telling you that sex is dangerous. Is this medical advice, or is this someones opinion trying to scare you from having sex? And if so, how old are you? Is it ok to have sex, do you want to have sex? It sounds like you want to make your partner happy, and that you are taking care of protecting yourself and your partner, but maybe you are forgetting to consider what do you really want. Having sexual relations is a very personal decision; you and your partner have to consent. It is also important to talk about the possible consequences and being responsible for them as well. But sex should be something that you enjoy, not that you should be fearful of. A therapist can help you to process those negative thoughts and feelings that may impair you from enjoying your sexual life.Cmo puedo superar mi miedo de un embarazo no deseado y poder tener sexo otra vez?Estoy aterrorizado de tener sexo porque me han dicho una y otra vez que el sexo es peligroso, inclusive cuando yo y mi pareja usamos dos mtodos de proteccin. Mi pareja no est contenta y simplemente quiere ms sexo, y honestamente, yo quiero darle lo que ella quiere.Me pregunto quin te est diciendo que el sexo es peligroso. Esto es aviso medico, o es alguien intentando asustarte para que no tengas relaciones? Y si es as, que edad tienes? Es apropiado que tengas sexo a tu edad? Quieres tener sexo? Me parece que estas enfocado en hacer feliz a tu pareja, y te ests protegiendo y protegindola, pero tal vez estn olvidando analizar que tu quieres realmente. Recuerda que tener una relacin sexual es una decisin personal, en la que t y tu pareja deben de estar de acuerdo. Tambin es importante hablar de las posibles consecuencias de tener relaciones, como un embarazo, y discutir sus opciones e intenciones, si eso ocurriera. Ya que han tenido comunicacin al respecto, el sexo debe ser algo que disfruten, no que temen. Un terapista te puede ayudar a procesar esos pensamientos negativos y los sentimientos que te pudieran impedir disfrutar de tu vida sexual."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my fear of accidental pregnancy to have sex again?", "questionText": "I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", "answerText": "Maybe you'll feel less fear by understanding that whoever told you sex was dangerous, was wrong.If this message came from your upbringing, then it may a deeply embedded belief.Since the belief itself instructs to avoid risk, and overturning this belief requires taking the risk to believe the logic that reasonable safe sex measures are adequate protection, give yourself time to absorb this new understanding.Talk w your partner about your psychological difficulty bc their patience will help you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my fear of accidental pregnancy to have sex again?", "questionText": "I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", "answerText": "Alot of our choices have to do with what we have been taught and partly our fear of trusting ourselves to do what is right. There is so much more going on within you than you realize. We can help you bring it to the surface. Please contact us when you can and in whatever way you can to discuss what's going on with you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is it so hard for me to talk publicly?", "questionText": "I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?", "answerText": "you can learn lots of skills/techniques to feel more confident in what you need to do that will decrease your anxious response for sure! :) And you can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention. You may find that \"talking\" to others through the internet is more comfortable and you are great at it, or that you love one on one talking but aren't really made for group talking. There is a place in this world for you either way! Public speaking skills can be practiced in speech class, or toastmaster group, they will give you practice in a safe environment where the cool kids or cutest boy aren't ready to laugh at you. What topics are you interested in and what groups can you do a little speaking up? Maybe in your small group at church try and raise you hand to share your opinion, or maybe your Girl Scout troop? Look around for a peer and one adult who you like to hear speak out, ask them to share with you 2 things that help them feel comfortable speaking in public. Check out some Ted Talks and see how they share in groups. Social anxiety is a difficult concern and picking apart what is your awesome personality and what needs skill building and mindfulness/anxiety help are important steps. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why is it so hard for me to talk publicly?", "questionText": "I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?", "answerText": "Since anxiety usually about anticipating a bad result, or fear of being judged negatively, as though having failed some sort of test, consider what would give you the feeling of anticipating a good result from talking to an audience?Maybe, for example, if you prepared and rehearsed your talk more than what you typically would, you'd feel more secure in speaking in front of an audience.Once you sort through your particular reason as to the source of your discomfort, it may feel more manageable.Yes, social anxiety can change. You may naturally prefer smaller groups than an audience.And, it is possible to decrease anxiety in what may always be somewhat uncomfortable for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop my nightmares?", "questionText": "I have been having a lot of nightmares where I am being killed in different ways. I either wake up in a panic or just crying and sweating. It has made me terrified of falling asleep and is now affecting my daily life too. Can I make the nightmares stop?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Sleep problems, including insomnia and even the nightmares that you are writing about, are really common for people and so many people suffer from them. Here are a few things to consider or to try: 1. Have you changedor started taking any new medication lately? Medications can certainly affect your sleep and some can even cause vivid or frightening dreams. If you are taking a new medication, talk to your provider about the nightmares, this may be the cause. 2. Stress can certainly increase our difficulty with sleep and can also begin to affect our dream states. The dreams may not make much sense, but then again even good dreams don't always make much sense. Ask yourself, do I have any new or renewed stressors in my life? Work, school, relationships, health.... all of these areasand many more are places where stress can hide out. If this is the case, talk with your provider or consider seeing a counselor who may be able to help. 3. Something to consider is that once we start to have anxiety or stress about something, we can begin to obsess about it. My guess is that going to bed for sleep is no longer a pleasant thing for you. Your stress and fear of what may happen when you sleep could start way before you actually go to bed. This could increase your chances of having another bad dream. Try relaxation techniques before going to bed. If you have YouTube, you can pull up \"Guided Meditation for Sleep\" exercises to help you relax. There are many different ones to choose from. You may also want to try deep breathing.4. There are self-help ideas for managing bad nightmares. If you Google search \"Nightmare Rescripting\" or \"Nightmare Exposure\" you may find some ideas and instructions on how to manage dreams. I hope these ideas help. Be well... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "I am paranoid that my boyfriend hiding something from me", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.", "answerText": "Have you spoken to him about your fears? Perhaps you can explain this feeling to him and let him know what might lead to feeling more secure. Also, it is important to trust your intuition! Perhaps there are good reasons to feel concerned. It may not be paranoia - it may be based in reality!"}, {"questionTitle": "I am paranoid that my boyfriend hiding something from me", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.", "answerText": "Paranoid is a mental disorder word. That is a strong word I think to use in this situation. Honestly the bottom like is either you don't trust him for some reason or you are insecure with yourself. Which is it? Do some soul searching to help you figure which one it is. Work on either discussing why you don't trust him and work on building that trust ....or why you feel you are not good enough and work on that."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm scared because my boyfriend is interested in BDSM", "questionText": "I'm concerned about my boyfriend. I suffer from anxiety, but I always have this feeling he wants to hurt me because he told me he was interested in BDSM intercourse. We haven't tried it, but I've had this feeling he always wants to.", "answerText": "Hello! Thank you for your question. There are few things that people find more personal than their sexual relationships. When we feel connected to our partner, sex can be best thing since sliced bread. However, if we feel disconnected in some way, sex can feel degrading and even painful. I dont know the specifics about your relationship or how comfortable you are in talking to your boyfriend, but this is one of those situations where communicating your fears is a good idea. The only exception to that would be if you believe he is actually a threat to you in some way. If you believe that, then you should do whatever you think is safe. It sounds like there is a part of you that is already afraid of him, and if that is the case then remaining safe is your top priority. Assuming you are able to share with him your feelings, telling him what you are and are not interested in sexually is very appropriate and sexually healthy. Sex is something that is supposed to be enjoyable for all parties. All parties should feel respected and able to say no to absolutely anything they are not comfortable with. I call the respectful agreement between sexual partners, sex trust. Sex Trust means your partner respects your boundaries. It means they wont degrade you sexually with hurtful words, forced sex, or forcing or coercing sex in ways someone is not interested in having. Your personal safety and mental well-being is what is most important. Now, if there is a part of you that is curious about BDSM and may be interested in participating in it, there are many websites that you can explore to learn information. I will warn you, some websites and articles are better or worse than others, but you may at least feel more informed. Many people engage in BDSM and have happy relationships, but again, it completely depends on what each person in the relationship wants. It is also important to know that BDSM is notjust one thing and people practice it differently based on comfort. If it is something you are uncomfortable with, then you shouldnt feel obligated to do it. I hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do when I have anxiety attacks?", "questionText": "I get so much anxiety, and I dont know why. I feel like I cant do anything by myself because Im scared of the outcomes.", "answerText": "This is a very common question in my practice. Panic attacks typically emerge from an underlying issue (ex. Depression, low self-esteem, fears). To decrease your anxiety symptoms its recommended to seek treatment with a therapist who specializes in working with anxiety disorders and most importantly one with whom you feel comfortable with.In my practice I educate clients about their anxiety and discuss building a framework with helpful tools for decreasing anxiety:1. Starting a daily mindfulness practice. For example: listening to guided meditation; engaging in deep breathing exercises; yoga practice; or other positive calming activities.2. Understand your negative and positive thoughts. Many times we tend to focus on the potential for bad things to happen. Increase positive self-talk when feeling down or when anxious. For example: \"I don't need to worry, I am calm and relaxed\". 3. Exposure to fearful or anxious situations. This can be accomplished under the care of a mental health professional. Many times we shy away from things that make us feel uncomfortable or insecure. This may led to an increase in isolating behaviors resulting in difficulty in performing things we were once able to do. For example: leaving the house; presenting in front of others; going to social events; and having conversations with people. However, the more we expose ourselves and practice the use of our positive coping skills (ex. deep breathing) the chances of anxiety will decrease. I hope this was helpful. Keep in mind, a therapist can help with guiding you through self relaxation and improvement."}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do when I have anxiety attacks?", "questionText": "I get so much anxiety, and I dont know why. I feel like I cant do anything by myself because Im scared of the outcomes.", "answerText": "The other two post answers to your question are very good and I don't feel the need to repeat what has already been said quite well, but I will offer one other option I have been able to utilize quite successfully with those dealing with panic attacks. Chain analysis is a fantastic way for your to map out the situation starting with the prompting event, the chain of events ((links) that lead up to the behavior - in this case a panic attack, and then what the consequences were. See the illustration below:This is very useful in that it lays everything out for you to see so that it becomes possible to alter one of the links leading up to the unwanted behavior (panic attack), allows you to come up with strategies for similar situations (prompting events) and allows you to understand how you are reinforcing the behavior when it does occur (consequences). Finally - it would also allow you to identify any particular vulnerabilities, such as not enough sleep, poor nutrition, trauma history or having a cold the time it occurred.Working with someone who utilizes a behavioral approach, such as DBT or behavioral analysis, you can find solutions that replace one of the links and therefore breaks the chain of events."}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do when I have anxiety attacks?", "questionText": "I get so much anxiety, and I dont know why. I feel like I cant do anything by myself because Im scared of the outcomes.", "answerText": "Anxiety is simply your system communicating to you that you are in danger. The issue that I see in most of my clients is that they try to reason with this anxiety. You do not reason with sensory states in the body. If your system tells your in danger (your stomache feels like it is knots, your heart is beating out of your chest,) validate by just being present with it. Take your breath to it. Breath in and out of that space. Say ok, I am in danger. I always tell my clients, \"a crying baby wants to be held, not told to shut up.\" Listen to your system, validate it like you do a child and see what happens."}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do when I have anxiety attacks?", "questionText": "I get so much anxiety, and I dont know why. I feel like I cant do anything by myself because Im scared of the outcomes.", "answerText": "The are two ways that such anxiety can be dealt with. One is an attempt to replace maladaptive thinking by examining the distorted thinking and resetting the fight-or-flight response with more reasonable, accurate ones. As an example \"I'm scared of spiders.\" But if you change the thinking from being scared to \"I'm bigger than the spider,\" it allows the mind to reach a calmer state of mind.Mindfulness-based therapy can also help focus on the bodily sensations that arise when you feel anxious. Instead of avoiding or withdrawing from these feelings, remain present and fully experience the symptoms of anxiety. Instead of avoiding distressing thoughts, open up to them in an effort to realize and acknowledge that they are not literally true.Although it may seem counter-intuitive, fully realizing the experience of anxiety enables the release of over identification with negative thoughts. You can practice responding to disruptive thoughts, and letting these thoughts go.By remaining present in the body, you'll learn that the anxiety being experienced is merely a reaction to perceived threats. By positively responding to threatening events instead of being reactive you can overcome an erroneous fight-or-flight response."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid becoming wrapped up in family issues and control my anxiety about them?", "questionText": "I started dating my fianc two years ago. My first cousin is married to my fiancs sister. There has always been a communication issue between my uncle and aunt and my cousin and his wife. My uncle goes to my mom instead of talking to my cousin, and it upsets my mom.", "answerText": "Based on the information provided, this is an issue with boundaries. Sounds like your uncle goes to your mom and possibly your mothertakes the issuesto you. I do not like to assume so I will direct you to information regarding families dealing with enmeshment and triangulation. Enmeshment is the concept of diffused boundaries in families and other personal relationships. Triangulation istwo individuals relaying information to a third party what cannot be said directly to each other.From someone who has dealt withboththese issues ona personal level,being informed aboutfamily dynamics is beneficial and can helpyou develop healthy boundaries for yourselfwithin your family structure. You may need assistance with developing healthy boundaries. Although it is possible, it is not easy to change the way you have been operating for any extended amount of time. Hope this help!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid becoming wrapped up in family issues and control my anxiety about them?", "questionText": "I started dating my fianc two years ago. My first cousin is married to my fiancs sister. There has always been a communication issue between my uncle and aunt and my cousin and his wife. My uncle goes to my mom instead of talking to my cousin, and it upsets my mom.", "answerText": "When you're upset about something, the first question you can ask yourself is \"Whose problem is this?\" It is amazing how many problems will disappear right at that point, because you realize the problem isn't even yours. You can't fix everything in your family. You are starting a new family of your own, and it's time to create a protective bubble around your family unit that keeps other people's issues away. I tell myself \"Not my pig, not my farm, not my problem.\" When you stop trying to take care of other people's problems, they are more likely to step up and deal with it themselves. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so anxious in social situations?", "questionText": "Whenever I have to speak in public or be in big crowds, I freak out. I get light-headed, sweaty, and I have trouble breathing.", "answerText": "Basically, your response is the fight, flight or freeze reaction which is hard wired into the human nervous system, specifically, theautonomic nervous system (called the autonomic response). This system is responsible for regulating the heart, digestion, respiratory rate as well as other aspects which match the symptoms you describe. It is largely an unconscious function, but with training it can be managed such as a public speaking course in which you prepare and even have some exposure to smaller experiences to help you prepare and cope for larger presentations. One of the greatest applications of addressing this response is the NASA program which exposes the astronauts to situations they will encounter while in space which will trigger the response so that when it does happen (not if but when) that they are able to move through the challenge with success. You can learn more about his by going to TED Talks What I learned about going blind in space It is a truly inspiring look at what you are experiencing as well as how to deal with it. With that being said, finding a program like a Dale Carnegie Public Speaking program can help. Working with a counselor who can help you utilize visualization of an upcoming speech has been shown to help and you can always talk to your doctor to see what options might be available there as well. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so anxious in social situations?", "questionText": "Whenever I have to speak in public or be in big crowds, I freak out. I get light-headed, sweaty, and I have trouble breathing.", "answerText": "As you do it more, it should get better or at less with less anxiety. Anxiety is normal for most when speaking in public. I hear this from even the best of facilitators who have been doing it for years. I even experienced that when I first became a counselor and had to lead classes. I asked myself why were I so anxious? I admit at that time I didn't have confidence in myself. The more I prepared and practiced, the more my confidence level increased. Yours will too..."}, {"questionTitle": "I've been having the same dream since I was a child", "questionText": "I am a teenage girl. I've been seeing the same dream once in a while since I was very young. The problem is that I don't remember anything about this dream. I still know that it's the same one, and then I wake up in a panic, and I cry really loud without knowing the reason. Why do I see the same dream, why can I not remember it, and what should I do to remember it?", "answerText": "There is no scientifically established formula for understanding dreams, that I know about, however, many people get a great deal of value from exploring what their dreams mean. It is believed by many that our dreams contain metaphors that represent meaningful patterns in our lives and relationships and if we pay attention to them we can learn important things about ourselves. One thing you might try, to see if you can get more insight into the dream and possibly begin remembering things, is to take note of whatever you do remember, any details about your experience, such as when do you wake up from the dream, how do you feel, both emotionally and physically, what are you thinking about when you wake up, is there any pattern in terms of what happens to you in your waking life around the time you have this dream... If you can keep a journal or a recording device to speak into by your bed, you can try to record whatever you do remember and notice as soon as you wake up. People seem to have more difficulty remembering dreams, the more time they let go by before attempting to record the dream, or if you go back to sleep before recording what you remember."}, {"questionTitle": "If I'm not with my boyfriend, I have emotional breakdowns", "questionText": "Ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He loves me a lot, and I love him. It hurts to be apart from him for so long. It hurts all over, and then I feel like it won't last.", "answerText": "I would suggest that you look up the word codependency and it's characteristics. See if you relate to those characteristics. I have a feeling you have suffered some form of loss in your life that you have not dealt with properly. For some reason you are depending on your boyfriend to fill that loss. Considering working with a counseling to work through your emotions and resolve any lingering issues."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I all of a sudden having issues communicating with the guy Im dating?", "questionText": "I started seeing this guy that I met at a mutual friends place. He recently broke up with his ex-girlfriend and started seeing me. Everything was great in the beginning, then I started having low self-esteem thoughts and thinking he was hanging with his ex-girlfriend again. Its all I think about. I am still seeing him, but things have changed because I am at a loss for words. I get stuck in my own thoughts. I like and care for him a lot. He just makes me nervous and gives me the butterflies.", "answerText": "Sounds like you are struggling with your own negative thoughts. As you stated, everything was great then you started having low self-esteem thoughts and thinking. What is contributing to these negative thoughts? His actions or your past experiences with unhealthy relationships would be my question.."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over social anxiety?", "questionText": "I have not had a friend since I was 19. I don't go anywhere, and I have no job, all because I'm afraid of people.", "answerText": "Individual and/or group therapy can be a powerful antidote for social anxiety. Often in therapy, the things that tend to get in the way of our securing satisfying and lasting personal relationships will appear in some way in the therapy relationship and a competent therapist will be able to help you work through this anxiety, in a sensitive way, and eventually encourage you to seek out the personal relationships that you want. In group therapy, you have an opportunity to have a relationship not only with the therapist, but several other people who are all in the group in order to give and receive mutual support to one another."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I somehow stressing myself out?", "questionText": "I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out", "answerText": "I think you have identified something important here. It's not unusual to experience feelings that don't seem to match up with what your rational mind recognizes.In this case, it sounds like a part of you recognizes that the people around you do not find you \"annoying and bothersome.\" Despite knowing that people like you, it seems that there's still a part of you that feels like you're a bother.Finding a local counselor who can work with you to process those feelings might be just the help you need."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I somehow stressing myself out?", "questionText": "I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out", "answerText": "\"Where you put your attention is where you will go\". I forget who said this first, but it's very powerful. If all you think about and talk about is how annoying you think you might be, that will get annoying. Your intense self reflection is lovely; it will help you monitor yourself so that you're not affecting others negatively, but your alarm is going off too easily here and you risk having the opposite effect.You don't have to be perfect. She's with you, so she probably likes you as you are. She seems to put far less emphasis on your possibly annoying traits. We all have faults and if that's what we focus on, that's all we will see. My hunch is that your most annoying trait might be your negative self-talk. How ironic is that?There's another irony here...your goal is to be a better partner...but when you are self-critical, your focus is on you, not her. Every moment that fear grabs ahold of you is a moment that you're not being present in the actual relationship; you're gazing at your imagined faults. Fear steals your ability to focus on your loving partner.Maybe take a moment to image how she sees you...all of you. Put yourself in her shoes to see the entire you...how are you loving...thoughtful...a good partner? Confidence is a very attractive quality!"}, {"questionTitle": "Am I somehow stressing myself out?", "questionText": "I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out", "answerText": "I'm glad to hear you have friends and that your friends say they like you.Trust your own sense of who you are which tells you that something feels uneasy within yourself.Is the friend who says you're \"just fine\", very familiar with who you are?\"Friend\" is a broad category.She may not know you as fully as you know yourself.Basically, it is possible to be \"fine\" and have some inner stress.Follow your own thoughts and observations to more fully learn about yourself in ways your friend may not notice or be aware."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I somehow stressing myself out?", "questionText": "I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out", "answerText": "Interesting: How much of your issue is your own self-judging and how much of your perception is real?There are many ways to stop judging and self-judging using Cognitive Theory (CBT). You could find a (CBT) counselor/ therapist to help you reduce your judgments. In addition, I've written extensively about this in my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN (www.LivingYes.org). I recommend you visit the webpage and pick up a copy.As to your own perception: You seem okay being who you are, and your girlfriend agrees. Instead, you appear to be upset by your own guess at what others may be thinking. That's a trap that stresses a lot of folks out. Consider this: Many happy people don't mind what others think of them. And consider this: Many heroic characters in literature and movies are unlikeable. (\"Colombo\" is annoying and bothersome, but we love him. So is Johnny's Depp's Jack Sparrow and many of the roles played by George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, and Jack Nicholson.) Would it be okay with you to be an \"antihero\" in your own life? If you don't want to be an antihero, you have the power to be the person you want. Your behaviors and thoughts are completely under your control. What other people think of you is not under your control. You are completely in the driver's seat here. The choices are all yours. Enjoy who you are, and use your will power to make yourself who you want to be! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with my paranoia?", "questionText": "I'm a little paranoid. My mind does get the best of me. One night, I put chairs under all of my door knobs because I thought someone might break in. I also think a lot, which is probably the reason for the paranoia. I can't stand loud noises, like the sound of cars going by. The grocery store is too noisy, and I feel like people are looking at me.", "answerText": "Paranoid people don't realize they are paranoid. They believe their actions to be reasonable responses to potential threats.From what you write, you are aware that your actions may be understood as extreme.Instead of trying to fit your behavior into a negative psychological category, try seeing each of the behaviors you list here, as your own uniqueness.This way you will become more tolerant of what very well be your natural tendencies.If you are someone who needs a lot of time in quiet, then not liking loud noises doesn't make you paranoid, it is simply the way of who you are.One possible way of feeling better is if you would accept the answers you've developed so far for yourself. They may be a little unusual compared to what we consider mainstream. From what you describe, you already are dealing with what you call \"paranoia\"."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have social anxiety?", "questionText": "When I go to school, I feel like everyone is judging me, even my friends. I get overwhelmed which these thoughts and sometimes cannot get out of what I call a deep hole of thoughts. I barely go to any of our school dances because of all of the people. Not even when I am completely alone do these thoughts go away. I still feel like people can see me and are judging me.", "answerText": "It sounds like a couple of things are going on here; you are noticing yourself feeling judged by the people around you and that you are avoiding social activities and in addition to this you have intrusive thoughts that you are being judged, even when alone. It sounds like these thoughts are pretty distressing and you are wondering what is happening to you. Many people who come to therapy experience intrusive and distressing thoughts of various kinds, which often influence their behavior in ways that they may not like, such as leading them to isolate. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of your distress as well as learn ways to cope and eventually alleviate this distress so that you can have satisfaction and security in your life and relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over my fears of dying?", "questionText": "Recently, I had a close call after delivering my second child (blood clot followed by internal bleeding and several blood transfusions). It was a close call. I am currently undergoing medical treatment because of the event, and I am constantly afraid the whole ordeal will happen again. I have never really had anxiety in the past, but I find now that it consumes my every day and night. With two beautiful children to raise, I am most terrified of not being able to raise and protect them.", "answerText": "Hi Meriden, it's natural that after a serious scare like that you would have some anxiety and fear. This fear is helpful to some extent, because it will assist you in taking care of yourself and not taking unnecessary risks with your health. You can say \"thanks very much\" to fear for trying to protect you, and then you can take steps to reduce it. Right now, fear is working overtime and stealing your quality of life. You can work to put it into perspective.I invite you to imagine that your job is to convince fear that you don't need it screaming in your ear constantly in order to be as safe as you can be. Imagine that fear is in front of you. It's saying \"hey, you need me! If I wasn't keeping you alert, you would be very ill\". Fear doesn't trust you to take care of yourself.What is the evidence you are caring for yourself and doing everything you can to prevent a recurrence? What is the evidence that this won't likely happen again (it was specifically connected to the stress of labour, right?). What is the evidence from your doctor that this is unlikely to recur? What is the evidence that you are healing? What is the evidence that you are very aware of the danger and will respond quickly if there is a recurrence? What is the evidence that worrying about it will hurt you, not help you? How many hours of your life do you want to hand over to fear?Fear is trying to keep you safe, but you can turn the volume down by talking to yourself about all these things. I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried that there's something wrong with the guy I love", "questionText": "I met a guy a while ago, and I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I love him, but I don't think I know him. What if he is not who I think he is? I cry sometimes thinking someone is going to be with him or that he has a girlfriend. I don't know, am I too obsessive? Every time we talk though, it's like magic. He makes me feel amazing, but what if I'm mistaken?", "answerText": "Keller, it sounds like you're living this relationship in your mind, instead of in the real world. You can get answers to your questions by talking to him...getting to know him will answer all the curiosities you have. You're asking the questions in your head instead of being in the friendship.So what is it that gets in the way of actually asking the questions and getting to know him? Fear of rejection? Fear of something else? If you have fear that keeps you from having fulfilling friendships, I recommend a therapist to help you work through that. I wish you well. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I not as comfortable around my boyfriend anymore?", "questionText": "I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way.", "answerText": "How is your boyfriend responding to your discomfort around him?Has he told you that he's noticed changes in you?The good news about a relationship is that you can talk about matters with the other person. Doing so can only help clarify feelings and what either of you expect from the relationship. Given that the two of you recently moved in together, it is natural for new dynamics, feelings and expectations to arise. It just adds to the reasonableness of talking with each other about how living together feels to each of you.Psychiatrists earn their living by diagnosing people and telling them to take pills. Very often, just being told the person has a \"condition\" makes them feel fragile and less capable than they actually are.Anxiety and panic attacks do mean that there is a great deal of emotion and situation needing to be addressed.It is the normal sign of having to address many or deep matters. Be patient and give yourself time to learn the details of your relationship and whatever the career particulars are that are bothering you. You're apparently self-aware since you're the one describing your own problematic situations. Keep the label of being \"disordered\", aside. Psychiatry labels do more good for psychiatrists than they do for people who are trying to live their lives."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I not as comfortable around my boyfriend anymore?", "questionText": "I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way.", "answerText": "Hi New Jersey,You talk about two very big changes in your life that have happened lately; the diagnosis/anxiety, and the moving in together. That's a lot!I love how you recognise that you been 'questioning everything'. I think anxiety's got its toe in the door and it's pushing you around, wanting some power over you. Fear and anxiety try to convince us that we need protection and that it's best to either pull away or fight. But letting anxiety control how you see your relationship isn't the answer here. I think you know that already.You must have moved in with him for a reason, and it's appropriate now to simply trust that, to ask him for some patience, and to focus on learning to manage the anxiety rather than questioning this decision to move in. Fear is getting in the way of you trusting yourself and your decision. You can figure the anxiety piece out while living with your boyfriend.When you're in a bit of a crisis is not the right time to make a major change. I suggest you use a therapist who works with cognitive behavioural therapy to learn to manage the anxiety, and then the relationship will likely seem more clear."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less anxious when dealing with my toddler?", "questionText": "My toddler defies everything I say and doesnt see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.", "answerText": "Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens.Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter \"do this now\", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say \"let's get you dressed\", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says \"no\". You can say \"ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later.\" The choice is hers. Then follow through.\"When...then\" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try \"as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack\". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it.Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less anxious when dealing with my toddler?", "questionText": "My toddler defies everything I say and doesnt see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.", "answerText": "That's a good question. I would say learn to pick your battles. What types of behavior/situations can you let go of? If you allow yourself to worry about the various areas in life that you cannot control, you will find yourself stressed out and unable to manage everything.Know that toddlerhood comes with lots of \"no's,\" tantrums, non-compliance, and a growing need forindependence. When your toddler does something that you don't approve of, remain calm, explain to him/her the appropriate way to act, and model it for him/her. Remember to give your toddler praise when he/she does something good or acceptable. Be consistent and follow through with your instructions. Finally, know that you are not alone. Parenting comes with its set of challenges but all you can do is your very best. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less anxious when dealing with my toddler?", "questionText": "My toddler defies everything I say and doesnt see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.", "answerText": "Trust that you are a good mother and that you love your child.Trust and love are their own authority and come from a different inner place than the urge to be obeyed.Trust and love are effective guidance and usually feel happier and lighter too!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with flashbacks of trauma?", "questionText": "I was violently raped by another women who was my friend of 13 years. Im having bad flashbacks. Im scared to sleep because I see it in my dreams. I don't leave the house because I have panic attacks.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for your suffering.There are therapy programs which help people to gradually feel more at ease so that daily living does not feel so frightening.Once you feel stronger and more secure from such a behavioral program, you'll be able to sleep more peacefully and leave the house whenever necessary to do your regular life.Then, you will be able to open and clear the deep emotional hurt that always occurs from being violated by a trusted friend.Sending good wishes in your work!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried that I will be single forever", "questionText": "I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. Im worried that, at this rate, I wont have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.", "answerText": "Hi Winters, I'm so glad you wrote, because I think there are a lot of young women experiencing the exact same thing. You feel self-loathing for both being a virgin, and for being sexually active. Young women have always gotten crazy mixed messages about what they're supposed to be. They feel pressure to be pure, and they also feel pressure to be the vixen and please men sexually. But you can't be both, so you can't ever win if you buy into all that horse manure (excuse my language).This current hook-up culture puts added pressure on girls to expect nothing more than random sexual encounters that leave you feeling empty and used; perhaps desirable in that moment but mostly worthless. The stupid part is that research tells us that young men are also impacted negatively by this cultural norm that values sex and not relationship; they feel guilt, and loneliness. I urge you to talk to other girls and women about your feelings. My hope and prayer is that they will echo my words here.Your value and power cannot ever be found in whether a man wants you, whether you turn his eye, or how he treats you. Your sexuality is a beautiful part of who you are, and it is to be celebrated. I love that you want to celebrate it with someone who cares. Who you are is so very much more than your sexuality. You sound like you have a lot of things going for you. Try to see all of those things when you think of yourself.There are many more virgins out there, and many are afraid, like you, that they don't fit in. We are all different, and you don't have to be anything but who you want to be; who you are. You don't have to have any kind of sex until you're ready, and that makes you brave and smart, not weird.You're tall and beautiful, and guys may be intimidated by that. It may take time for you to meet the right guy, but he's out there. The question is: How do you want to spend your time until he crosses your path?I hope you talk to someone soon and find out that your feelings are normal. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried that I will be single forever", "questionText": "I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. Im worried that, at this rate, I wont have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.", "answerText": "I think that every person who has been single for any extended period of time has felt the same worries - myself included. Since relationships are so important to us we fear not having them and being single. It is similar to fearing that we won't ever get a good job when we have been out of work for awhile or fearing that we won't be healthy when we have been sick. We fear these things because they are so important - not because these fears are realistic or true!There is immense pressure put on young single people from peers and media to conform to ideas of what is normal and to meet expectations in terms of sexual experience, dating, etc. While some people may judge an adult who is a virgin - others will respect your choices and feel even more attracted to you because of your choices. Experimenting with sex, so long as you are being safe and respectful is also completely okay and normal.Since expectations vary and we can't be happy if we are always comparing ourselves to other people, we need to ultimately trust that being who we are and building a loving relationship with ourselves is the key to meeting someone who will cherish us for all the ways that we are special and unique, virgin or not. When we are able to really accept ourselves and trust in our loveableness (not a real word but you get what I mean!) then meeting someone special is simply a matter of time and effort - putting ourselves out in the world in situations where we are likely to meet other single people looking for relationships.When you are most afraid of being alone - remember that this fear is simply a reminder of how much you value relationships. Use that passion about wanting relationships to build the best relationship you can with yourself and then one day soon some lucky person will stumble into your life and benefit immensely from your passion and your ability to be authentically who you are rather than pretending to be \"normal\" or whatever that is anyway. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried that I will be single forever", "questionText": "I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. Im worried that, at this rate, I wont have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.", "answerText": "It is very hard to want a loving relationship, and either see or imagine all around you, the great times other couples are having. Extra hard is that other people's comments may start giving you the sense that you are letting them down to not have a relationship!All the fantasies that develop from viewing Facebook photos and imagining everyone or most people in ideal relationships, just augments any frustration of not being part of this group.Your post sounds like you're being true to yourself and honoring who you are really, by developing clear standards of what you'd expect from a relationship.For the longterm, whatever develops in your relationship life, you will always be able to look back and know you had self-integrity.By being your natural self, you're being attractive. Probably very unlikely that a young woman who would like a relationship, will never have one.Maybe the young men in your school are not yet emotionally mature enough to know how to see and appreciate you.Even though it may be hard, have patience with bringing in someone who is good for you. And, continue your keen insight of yourself because it is guiding you to be the best in all areas of living.Sending good luck in all areas!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm worried that I will be single forever", "questionText": "I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. Im worried that, at this rate, I wont have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.", "answerText": "I think one of the first questions that springs to mind for me is, \"what's the rush?\" Just because other people in your circle have had experiences that you are still warming up to does not mean that there's something wrong or something to be ashamed of. If anything, I want to commend you on the self-respect you have in wanting to wait and share this most intimate of experiences with someone that will feel the same way about it. One of the most common distortions in our thinking is when we try to directly compare ourselves to others; while these people and even those in your family share a level of closeness to you they are not exactly like you - they don't see or feel things in the exact same way as you nor do they share the exact same perspective. It's important to be making choices for you and for your own desires and life goals. Once you stop comparing your happiness, you may find that you are already experiencing it and allow more of your guard to fall down."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I become more confident and face social situations?", "questionText": "For my whole life, Ive been very unconfident, insecure, and self-questioning. I'm super quiet because I'm scared of what people will think of me. I avoid all social situations as it causes me great anxiety. It is how both of my parents have always been, and I feel like I'm doomed to that life also. It makes it super hard for me at work as the other employees try to use me and walk all over me because Im too nice. It causes me depression and brings me down. Im in my early twenties, and I really need to create a better life for myself. I've been like this for so long, so how do I change?", "answerText": "One of the greatest ways that we can promote ourselves s by learning how to assert ourselves. Despite what most people think of when they hear the word assertive, assertive communication is one of the best ways to manage interpersonal conflict as well as maintain personal boundaries. Once we become comfortable with acknowledging our boundaries, there is usually a follow-up whereby we realize that we have the right to those boundaries. In effect, assertiveness communication becomes it's own self-motivating force in managing positive self-esteem. You may want to invest in a workbook that can help you to develop these skills on your own, or work directly with a therapist to develop them in a safe situation. One of the Workbooks that I have found to be very helpful is, \"The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships\" by Randy J Paterson."}, {"questionTitle": "Sleeping, Anger and Anxiety", "questionText": "I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. Im also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?", "answerText": "Hi there. I have to commend you on reaching out to get some answers on why you are feeling the way that you are feeling. A lot of people secretly go about their lives every day feeling this way because they are too afraid of what the answer might be.First off, what stressors do you have in your life right now? Financial, relationship and unemployment are all common stressors for people. They can often make it difficult for us to sleep at night due to the constant racing thoughts and wonders of how you will deal with it all.Secondly, do you have a history of depression or does depression run in your family? Some of the symptoms listed here in this question (i.e. trouble sleeping, constant fatigue, too much sleep, anger & anxiety) are all common symptoms of depression. Often times, these symptoms can be overlooked and mistaken for \"just being tired.\"Furthermore, it's important to ask yourself, if you are feeling worthless, problems with concentration and recurrent thoughts of death. If you are having these symptoms, please seek help IMMEDIATELY.Lastly, considering your stated symptoms I would recommend reaching out to your Doctor for further consult. It's always better to be safe and the earlier you catch the symptoms the faster you will get to feeling better! do Some helpful tips for the your Doctor would be to monitor your sleep habits (i.e. how much or little are you sleeping), make a list of your triggers for your anger outbursts as well as your triggers for your anxiety attacks.I hope this was helpful and the best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "Sleeping, Anger and Anxiety", "questionText": "I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. Im also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?", "answerText": "It sounds as if you may be experiencing a bout of anxiety and/or depression. Sleeping difficulties, irritability and anxiety attacks all are correlated with these mood disorders. And its actually quite common for someone to deal encounter this during their lifetime.Also, keep in mind that just because you are experiencing this now does not mean that you will be dealing with it the rest of your life. Many times, it can be a single episode and if treatment is received, you can help prevent any recurrent episodes.However, you may want to first talk with your primary physician to rule out any medical issues that could be causing these problems. There may be a reason for the sudden onset of these symptoms that can be addressed quickly.On the other hand, if it is determined that you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression without a medical reason, there are two methods that are very helpful in your treatment:#1 Talk therapy with a certified therapistHe/She will be able to address the concerns youre experiencing and discovering if there is an underlying issue that may be causing it.#2 MedicationThere are many medications that can assist you with the feelings that you are experiencing. Your doctor will be able to help you find the right one that works for you. If one doesnt work, keep trying. There are many different options to address your specific needs.Also, a combination of these two options is extremely beneficial!Thank you for your question. I sincerely hope that you feel better soon!"}, {"questionTitle": "Sleeping, Anger and Anxiety", "questionText": "I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. Im also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are noticing yourself becoming overwhelmed with anxiety, feeling more irritable, and struggling to sleep consistently. There are many possibilities, in regards to what may be contributing to these things you are noticing, and a competent therapist may be able to help. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences as well as develop strategies for coping with and eventually alleviating anxiety, irritability, and inconsistent sleep."}, {"questionTitle": "I have come to the realization that my boyfriend and I want different things", "questionText": "I feel that I need to end my present relationship. He lives three hours away and likes the reassurance of having someone to talk to multiple times per day and seeing me once or twice a month. I want someone who is more present and more of a life companion. Lately, he has had a very busy work schedule and I have only seen him a few times in the last 6 weeks. I told him that I can't continue in this way because I constantly feel frustrated and angry and that he is not making the relationship enough of a priority. I also feel it is keeping me from possibly finding the relationship I want. We have been together 7 years. The problem is that I panic and experience anxiety and depression thinking of him with someone else and then thinking I will never meet someone I like. We have gone through this cycle already 4-5 times and I feel it is unhealthy to stay in it, but my aversion to the anxiety and depression I experience upon separation always leads me to reconcile.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have some insight into the cycle that you describe with your current relationship and at the same time you are still feeling stuck. It also sounds like the distressing feelings that you experience, when you imagine what will happen for you and your current partner, are pretty overwhelming. A competent therapist may be able to help you work through these difficult thoughts and feelings and find a resolution to this cycle that will feel right to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I have come to the realization that my boyfriend and I want different things", "questionText": "I feel that I need to end my present relationship. He lives three hours away and likes the reassurance of having someone to talk to multiple times per day and seeing me once or twice a month. I want someone who is more present and more of a life companion. Lately, he has had a very busy work schedule and I have only seen him a few times in the last 6 weeks. I told him that I can't continue in this way because I constantly feel frustrated and angry and that he is not making the relationship enough of a priority. I also feel it is keeping me from possibly finding the relationship I want. We have been together 7 years. The problem is that I panic and experience anxiety and depression thinking of him with someone else and then thinking I will never meet someone I like. We have gone through this cycle already 4-5 times and I feel it is unhealthy to stay in it, but my aversion to the anxiety and depression I experience upon separation always leads me to reconcile.", "answerText": "Sounds like your panic is less about loosing the relationship you are in (which by the way doesn't sound like it's meeting YOUR need for connection) and more about being alone. Being with him is serving you, even if the relationship is less than ideal, from being alone. Being alone can be scary. You'd have to face yourself. You'd have to learn to love and care for and cherish yourself. All important skills and tasks in maturing and growing up, but scary none the less. What if...What if you gave yourself permission to be in a relationship with YOU?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I have social anxiety?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I struggle with going out and talking to people. I feel awful about leaving home. I know I can't afford a therapist so I don't know what my problem is, but I think I might have social anxiety.", "answerText": "If you are noticing that anxiety tends to be triggered around interactions with others, then you may have social anxiety. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of the anxiety, develop tools for coping with it, and take steps that may alleviate it over time, so that you can enjoy your interactions with others. If you are short on money, there still may be options for you to be able to see a therapist. Check with your insurance provider about your behavioral health coverage. If you have medicaid/apple care, there are some private practice therapists who accept this form of insurance, as well as community clinics which do. If you are not insured, some therapists and clinics will work on a sliding fee scale, and accept either low fee or may even work with you pro-bono (for free)."}, {"questionTitle": "I always feel the need to tell people everything", "questionText": "Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like theres a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself.", "answerText": "Hi Kansas, I feel strongly that the help of a professional therapist is important here. Feelings are never wrong, but it can help to understand where they come from and talk to someone who can teach you healthy ways to cope. Self-harm is not the answer to managing those emotions you feel in your stomach. Although I'm glad you said something here, a professional would need to spend some time with you and get a deep understanding of your life in order to help you sort all these reactions out effectively. I hope you reach out to someone soon."}, {"questionTitle": "I always feel the need to tell people everything", "questionText": "Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like theres a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself.", "answerText": "Sorry to hear of your situation.Possibly you are overlooking that your own Self is someone worth talking to as well.None of us are ever really alone because we are always with ourselves.Self-talk is a major part of what guides our decisions and how we make sense of relationships and situations. Even after telling people the stories or activities, hearing their comments, it is always within ourselves that we decide if the way we were received by these others, the comments we heard back, feel right and accurate to our lives.I hope the feeling of a hole in your stomach would decrease by enjoying your Self. I am guessing that hurting yourself makes the stomach hole feel less bad because the physical pain you create in yourself distracts you from feeling it.Enjoying your Self by talking kindly, loving, and having inner dialogue may very well decrease the feeling of a hole, altogether.Sending lots of good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Could a rape that happened years ago be the cause of my anxiety?", "questionText": "I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that Im an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.", "answerText": "While anxiety can come about for many reasons, trauma is definitely one of the factors that makes anxiety a possibility both immediately following a traumatic event and later in life. When we have experienced such scary violations of our bodies - we may experience residual effects of fear for many years to come. This is normal, natural and in many ways helpful - at least initially. This fear is in some way a sign that your body/mind is taking good care of you - trying to keep you on your toes in order to protect you from anything terrible happening to you again. However, as it sounds like you know, anxiety feels awful and there are certainly ways of learning to reduce anxiety. In order to get the tools you need to manage anxiety and also understand where it comes from and how it works in your life, I would encourage you to seek professional help and check out anxiety resources online."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a rape that happened years ago be the cause of my anxiety?", "questionText": "I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that Im an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.", "answerText": "Hi. Even though (thankfully) your parents responded well to you telling them, and you received treatment, it's possible, and very normal for sexual abuse trauma to affect you in different ways as you age and develop. Please see a therapist, who can help you find the root of the anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a rape that happened years ago be the cause of my anxiety?", "questionText": "I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that Im an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.", "answerText": "It's not unusual for traumatic experiences that happened when we were younger to stay with us when we get older. Traumatic experiences can become embedded in our bodies, as well as in our emotions. If the issue doesn't get a chance to get resolved within, then external action doesn't necessarily take care of the problem. Seek out a qualified trauma therapist so you can start to deal with the issues you're grappling with."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I become less anxious in conversations?", "questionText": "I find myself being very outgoing most of the time, but there are some times when I don't know what to say. I don't even want to talk at all. It's like, I search for the right thing to say and nothing ever comes out. I don't know if I'm outgoing only to fill the void of not knowing what to say. I dont know if people like that about me. I'm very self-conscious and always think people are talking about me, so it makes me have a cold shoulder and not want to talk.", "answerText": "Would you feel more secure in conversations if instead of talking soon after meeting someone or entering a social situation, you simply listened attentively to the other people?This way you'd have a more secure idea of what topics the group likes talking about and whether you like talking about these topics as well.Maybe you simply are in groups or situations in which you don't care for the people or focus.Start by trusting your own evaluation of your true interest in being among the groups in which you are.Maybe you simply need new and different groups."}, {"questionTitle": "I am fearful of social situations and avoiding people all together", "questionText": "This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job.", "answerText": "Overwhelming fear, social anxiety and depression are especially painful because they make behaving constructively a challenge. But there are also lots of examples of folks who have successfully worked their way through this. So there is hope! In addition to the suggestion to visit your doctor (who may prescribe a medication to help you relax), there are many social service agencies who provide free counseling or take medicaid. A good CBT therapist will help you look at your thinking so that you may see how you are distorting your thoughts. Behavior is also important. Despite how you may feel: it is helpful to go out, to do things that relax you (maybe a yoga class or a meditation class?). Exercise. Diet. Eat well. Think back on the things that you used to do that helped in the past, and force yourself to do these things again. I know that this seems hard, but it beats the alternative, doesn't it? Of course, I recommend you pick up a copy of my book, Living Yes, which will help you look at these and other ideas to help you out. I hope you get unstuck soon! ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "I am fearful of social situations and avoiding people all together", "questionText": "This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job.", "answerText": "A good first step would be to make an appointment with your primary care provider & discuss your concerns. They would have resources available to help in your particular situation."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I slow down and enjoy life?", "questionText": "I feel like my time is going too fast", "answerText": "Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to \"live life to the fullest\"! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further!"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do if my parents refuse to acknowledge my anxiety and self-confidence issues?", "questionText": "My dad refuses to acknowledge my anxieties about going to parties, dinners, etc. Whenever I have an opinion it gets shut down. My mom and everyone else behaves likewise. For my father who heads a company, this is normal. He has to be right all the time. He blatantly refuses to even try to see it from my angle. Recently however, it's been getting to the point where I feel pressured and unable to speak my mind. It isn't possible for me to get professional one-on-one help. He tells me to grow a pair and get over it. I recently have been developing more severe body image and self-confidence issues, which I have had all my life. I feel invalidated by my dad. I have been more paranoid lately as well. I can't turn on location services anymore on my phone because of a past incident. He makes me feel guilty about it. I feel rather worthless more often than not, unfortunately. What do I do?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to get through to your parents. It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of anxiety that needs to be addressed by a professional (despite the fact that you are unable to at the moment). I would recommend talking with another adult such as a school counselor that can offer you support in this area. Perhaps they can work with you on your anxiety issues and schedule a meeting with your parents so that he/she may help mediate the conversation with them.If you are unable to reach out to a school counselor maybe you can try a member of the family such as an aunt or an uncle that feels comfortable addressing the issue with your parents. Sometimes it helps hearing it from a third party before the situations is taken seriously enough.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm experiencing panic attacks when I'm physically separated from my girlfriend", "questionText": "Whenever I leave my girlfriend I get panic attacks. I'm taking medications to control them, but I'm thinking of moving in with her since I get so anxious.", "answerText": "Im sorry to hear that you are currently experiencing panic attacks. I hope that the medication you have been prescribed has provided you with some relief. Unfortunately, I dont feel that moving in with your girlfriend would alleviate your anxiety. Although you may feel very anxious about leaving her, your body is reacting to this stressful event in your life in an unhealthy manner. You may be able to render this particular situation but its likely that you may experience another panic attack when an additional stressful event arises.Therefore, it is essential that you address the reason for why you are experiencing panic attacks in the first place followed by practicing coping mechanisms in the case that one would arise in the future.Talk therapy has shown to be effective with those affected by anxiety along with breathing exercises and yoga. A trained therapist will be able to assist you in finding the right stress reducing method so that you can reduce the chance of another attack occurring.I wish you the best of luck! It sounds like you are very happy in your relationship and I hope you are able to reduce your anxiety so that you are able to enjoy one another."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Watching children go through challenges in their lives is difficult. On a very basic level, There exists a primal need to protect them from harm. The hard part for parents is letting them feel those challenges and working through them as they get older. At some point, there is a moment that occurs when the role as a parent shifts. Children no longer need the basics (food, shelter. water, safety) as much as when they were toddlers, but rather, their needs shift to wanting more support, encouragement, advice, and room to make mistakes. This is where the ability to communicate with them, letting them direct the sails to gather the wind needed to move, is so important. Keep the lines of communication open and be available to give feedback when they ask for it."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "children and adolescents who have a desire to achieve high grade point averages often have the symptoms you are describing. It sounds like, your gut is telling you to help her find ways to de-stress. Listen to your gut-always; as her mom, you know her needs better than anyone else. She would probably benefit from seeing a therapist to help her deal with the stress of being a high achiever. I provided the following suggestion to another parent with a similar concern: First identify the three most stressful aspects of the day. Do this by creating a circle on a regular size paper. (do this three times); ask your daughter how much of that circle can she confidently say she has under control. shade that in. The remaining parts of the circle are then named by intensity. (for example, in the circle labeled school anxiety, the client identified that she felt she could handle school anxiety 1 out of 4 days. The circle was split into 1/4. 1/4 of the circle was shaded . the remaining parts were labeled with the challenges that caused the client school anxiety.(these were 1. walking to class during passing time. 2. not having the assignments completed or at all. 3. feeling fat. after labeling each part; and making note of the percentage of the stress associated with each concern, free form thinking takes place and a pile of unwanted behaviors and genetic responses are portrayed around the circle in bright colors.Using note cards, create a tree of concern; the concerns can be written on note cards. a concern = the behavior that leads to more trouble. For example, \"all i could do was think about that extra slice of pizza, I was unable to concentrate on the teacher's explanation of the assignment\" (the concern you would write on the note card is Inability to concentrate. Now, fill up the back of the notecard with all of the different factors causing this pattern. nack. ("}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Oh dear - this is becoming all too common. I suggest you have some conversations with your girl to figure out where she is getting the \"information\" that she builds anxiety around. I see teens who have heard teachers, parents, coaches, etc push the \"highly selective colleges\" idea on kids way too much. Teens in particular are prone to black and white thinking, leading them to see one poor test performance, one off day, one not-great assignment as the make-or-break task on the path to successful adulthood. If that's the case with your daughter, she needs you to help modulate both the incoming information (there are nearly 5000 colleges in the US - she will get into one of them!) as well as her reaction to that information.As well, you and any other adults that are involved in parenting her need to discern fact from fiction. The recent scandal around celebrities \"buying\" their kids into college is an indicator of how far off track we, as a culture, have gotten in terms of education. A college education is certainly important, but we have allowed the marketing push to create so much stress and upset for our kids (and ourselves as parents) that they are actually less prepared to leave home and really engage in higher education than ever.You may want to include a therapist in these conversations if you get stuck, but start with a parent-child conversation. Help her figure out what is going on - if it is the \"I have to get it right or I will have no future\", calmly walk her through all the evidence that says that's just not true. As well, let her know that being anxious now is NOT preparing her for a bright adulthood - it's preparing her for an anxious future. She needs help figuring out how to balance her effort to attend to real and reasonable expectations, not over-inflated fear-based actions."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Being a parent is hard. Finding the balance between nurturing and guidance can be a difficult thing to do. I find that most of us seek validation and sometimes that can be the most helpful thing when experiencing stress and anxiety. Saying something like \"Gosh, it sounds like XYZ is really difficult to take on, I can't imagine what that is like for you.\" Allowing the space for your child to communicate their thoughts and feelings, seeking clarity and understanding can go miles in your daughter feeling heard and understood. Seeking professional help is also a good option. Therapy allows your child the space to work through, process, and find solutions to many of the struggles they are having. Because as we all know, being a kid is hard!"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Kids these days are facing a lot of pressure! Add to that COVID19 and pandemic related stress! Play therapy is a great way to learn coping skills and to help your daughter understand what she is going through. Usually there is an underlying issue that is bigger than something that seems silly on the surface. Remember what is silly to you may be a huge deal to her, so try re-stating and imagining how she may feel so she knows you care."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Sounds like your daughter is a high achiever and is keenly aware of what is required of her and what other expectations are for her. She may need to speak with someone if this is disturbing her life or causing her undue stress."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Worrying about our children seems to be part of the job of parenting. I think you are wise to consider helping your daughter around this particular issue. I think encouraging her to talk to a therapist is a really good idea. It is great that she is a high achiever, however, the down side could be high levels of stress that she may find difficulty managing in the future. A therapist can help her with skills to manage her stress levels."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Sounds like you have a high achieving daughter! That's something to be proud of! Yet, as you're aware, your daughter's efforts to maintain such a high level of achievement is causing her to experience high levels of stress. I can only imagine how this is impacting her overall wellbeing and quality of life. And I agree how this may not feel normal - because truthfully, why would anyone want to accept this as normal? It's hard to see someone you care about suffering - and it's really natural for you to worry and question her behaviors. And just like it is natural for you to care and worry about someone that matters to you, it's quite natural for your daughter to worry and stress out about something that matters to her - in this case, her schoolwork. It's important to understand more about what she is going through and providing her the space to openly talk about her issues, concerns, and stress. This open and honest conversation can lead to opportunities to support her in navigating the terrains of her challenges. Some stress is good for us - but chronic stress can be detrimental. It's vital that your daughter is developing and enhancing her survival skills with coping tools to effectively manage her stress so that she can continue achieving her target goals. And, as a parent, you are not alone. Supporting and raising a child is no easy task. There's a huge gap in our society when it comes to parenting - so please also give yourself a break and know that there is support for you as well."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are a very caring parent who is worrying about an intelligent, high-achieving daughter. It is hard to see our children struggle! What makes you think this is going to break her and that the stressing isnt normal? Have you talked to her about your worries? How does she feel about seeing a doctor? I would first have a conversation with your daughter about your worries. Make sure to speak with her calmly and have an open discussion with her about what you are noticing and ask her how she is feeling and if she feels stressed to the point of visiting with a doctor. Maybe she needs an outlet to talk about her feelings and therapy could be helpful, or maybe she really values doing well in school and feels she can manage the stress without speaking to someone. Either way, she needs a parent she can feel comfortable venting to, who will let her talk without interruption or judgement. It sounds like you love your daughter so much and you want her to be okay. Tell her that and get her feedback. But ensure you dont make a conversation with her about you and your anxieties. The conversation needs to be about her and how she is feeling. All my best to you both!"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It would probably be helpful to connect her to a counselor rather than a doctor as a doctor can only prescribe medication to treat the symptoms and is unlikely to be able to affect the underlying problem."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Perspective is everything. I know it is \"silly\" to you, but I can't help but wonder if it is much more for her. Sometimes when we \"overreact\" it is a manifestation of something much larger: a feeling that has been neglected or a worry that hasn't been addressed. It is healthy to learn how to effectively cope with stress. How do we handle life when it feels overwhelming? Developing coping tools to process emotions instead of dismissing them until they \"bubble up\" again."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "In addition to academic stress, teens are facing multiple stressors in their lives, it can be social stress. Teens place a high value on their social lives. Its part of their developmental stage. Finding friends, keeping their friendships can be stressful at times. World events such as school shootings, acts of terrorism, and natural disasters also worry teens. If there are major lifestyle changes or traumatic events that can also be overwhelming and confusing for the developing teens. As parents, it is important to show your emotional support for their struggles. Having open communications can also help them process distressed emotions. In many cases, it can be helpful to have a therapist they can talk to. By teaching them resilience and self-care, youre teaching a toolbox for any stress they may face."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "She could be an empath or dealing with imbalances in her energy field from all the pressure.Very little info on her date of birth. Outside evaluation to help her see or direct her on Who you can become is a great start . you can check out my services and test you can order for her."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It sounds like your daughter is under a lot of pressure! Sometimes the students who are the highest achievers tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves to stay at a 4.0 and to maintain an image they have of themselves or think they should have of themselves! This part is not abnormal as many children this age find themselves in this situation! School has become very competitive and it is impacting our youth! You are right to be concerned that all the stress is not healthy for her and you don't want her to burn out. Try to get her to talk to you or another trusted adult about her feelings so she can work through some of the stressors she is feeling in her life and learn appropriate coping skills to help manage her feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Great question. Hopefully you received your answer. I would get her to her Pediatrician to rule out medical issues and if the Pediatrician says that nothing medically is wrong with her, then it has to do with mental health issues, so, yes, get in with someone for help, not just for her but also for you to help her when she \"freaks out.\""}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "First, I want to acknowledge the love and care you have for your daughter. Second, as I am reading through your posting I want to share that often when our children seem to be stressing about \"silly\" things it can represent deeper feelings such as anxiety, depression, and other similar issues. My recommendation would be to seek out a counselor who could afford a \"safe\" and \"nurturing\" environment in which your child can share the deep concerns fueling her emotions.Namaste"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I would certainly suggest that you get her to speak to someone. What seems silly to you may not be to her and it is better to give her an outlet to deal with her stress than to have it continue."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Your concerns about your daughter are valid and as you may think of them to be \"silly\" often times stress presents differently to those who are directly experiencing it. Stress, though a 5 letter word, is emotional and physical tension typically arising from the demands of life that one may believe to be complex, challenging or demanding. While you are afraid that she is stressing too much it is important to understanding from her perspective what it means to her to work hard in school.As a teenager the source of stress could function from school demands, frustrations of success vs failure, and even thoughts that arise about themselves, along with everyday pressures. Sometimes stress will \"let up\" and other times stress can become so overwhelming leading one to experience fight-or-flight responses as the automatic preparation that signals a sign of danger or threat. When this occurs natural stress can produce stress much more overwhelming and difficult to handle alone.Luckily, you nor your daughter have to feel alone though you are experiencing some fear and uncertainty. To assist in keeping stress manageable it helps to sit down with your daughter and address where she is feeling the most pressure and overwhelmingness and consider a schedule that provided realistic goals, rhyme and reason. Consider practicing meditation, relaxation and breathing exercises that serve as the natural antidote to relieve stress. If there is some hesitancy or uncomfortableness of having this conversation, validate your daughter's feeling and loop in a therapist who can further provided recommendation and stress management techniques along with a variety of treatment methods.Thank you for your courage to post this. Wishing all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Teens are under more stress and pressure than ever. Many of them feel they need to:Earn straight As to get into their college of choiceHave the perfect appearance to be considered hot by peersAttract thousands of followers on social mediaAchieve success in sports, extracurriculars and clubsBe pleasant to be around, despite raging hormonesHold it all together, even under stress and pressureIts tough to be a teen! Many of them also dont feel they have anyone they can go to about their problems. Their friends are dealing with the same issues, so cant provide helpful advice. They may feel uncomfortable going to their parents with issues theyre afraid theyll get in trouble for having. And they may not want to be a burden to those around them.I recommend you find a therapist who you think your teen will feel comfortable opening up to. Ask your teen how they would feel about having a confidential space where they could talk about anything without getting punished for it. In effective therapy, your teen can learn:Stress-reduction techniquesSocial problem-solvingAssertiveness skillsMindfulness practicesTime-management toolsPositive body imageTeens these days are more open to being in therapy than ever before. Gen Z didnt grow up with the stigma around mental health nearly as much as their parents did. Talk to your teen and see how they would feel about getting some emotional support."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I would recommend having her talk to a therapist. The stress and anxiety she is demonstrating could be completely unrelated to school. If she is adamant about it being school related, try reinforcing with her that you are happy with her performance and that need to be so hard on herself. Often kids will develop their own critical expectations of themselves that they feel are what their parents expect, regardless of that being accurate."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Chances are your daughter may be feeling a lot of pressure to succeed - even be perfect in these areas of her life. Behind perfectionism is a feeling of shame related to feeling like you wont measure up or that youre not good enough.Try using affirmations to separate your daughters worth from her achievements. Understanding where the pressure comes from might bring insight into why she stresses. A counselor could certainly help her learn ways of dealing with stress as well as underlying issues that drive her towards perfection.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "What may seem silly to you could mean a lot to her. Adult issues seem much more complex and we would love to have the stressors of school at times but this may be the most stressful thing for her since she doesn't have the life experience as adults do. For many teens, their whole world revolves around school, their friends, and their family. It is a juggling act they are so very new at and the act of managing all of it can be overwhelming at times. They are still growing emotionally and learning emotions management on top of all of this. It is so important for teens to feel like their issues are legitimate and not invalidates by adults. I think possibly speaking to a therapist for coping skills/stress management techniques as well as having a source to process some of this stress would be more beneficial than speaking to a doctor if the motivation to speak to a doctor was for medication purposes."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It sounds like your intuition is helping you realize that your daughter's stress might be building into something more. It sounds like you have noticed a recent change that isn't explained by other life changes- and that reaching out to someone might be helpful for her. I would encourage you to explore that with her! She might feel relief at your suggestion, or maybe even some anxiety and apprehension. All of these reactions are normal! I would first check in with her and then begin to explore your options together. There are many online resources that can help. If you have insurance, you can always consult with your insurance company to see who is in network. Many times, if therapists aren't able to take you on at the moment, they can provide advice or referrals. Best of luck in the search, and great job following your instincts."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Hi. Bright kids often have a sense of perfectionism....when they are smart they often do not get to many opportunities to fail early in life because they adapt quickly. IAs they get older, they feel failure, and it can trigger anxiety. If you find she is sensitive in other areas, like really in tune with things happening in the world, highly aware of fair versus unfair, startles easily, is sensitive to smells, sights or fabrics, etc, she may be a highly sensitive child (check out Elaine Aron's website HSPersons.com) there is a great quiz on there and high sensitive and being bright have a correlation. A skilled therapist that is used to working with high functioning kiddos should be able to help let you know if it is anxiety due to pefectionism or if there is something else going on. A lot of times school has support groups that can help as well, so try checking with your daughter's school guidance counselor. It is okay to talk with her about how we learn from our mistakes."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Hello there, first I'd like to say I think it's great that you are reaching out as a parent and wanting to help her. My first thought is whatever is going on with her is not silly to her, and is impacting her in a real way. She is responding the best she can right now. It does sound like she is struggling with managing her anxiety and stress. She might benefit from finding a therapist that she can trust to discuss her thoughts and feelings, learn coping skills, and learn how to better manage these overwhelming emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It sounds like your daughter may be experiencing heightened levels of anxiety based on her value system of wanting to ensure she is 'good enough' or 'doing all the right things.' Talking to a trained professional could help her to decompress some of those feelings as well as find ways to challenge negative thoughts that are leading to overwhelming amounts of stress. Please let me know if you have any further questions that I may be able to help in this area."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Hello,Based on how you are describing your daughter, I am going to come from the perspective that she is in grade school. If this is the case, there is likely a lot of pressure being a younger student academically. That, along with a social visibility and how her friends see her, can contribute to the stress that she might be experiencing. When something happens at school, children tend to react in ways that are different than adults. I dont know how old your child is, but depending on her ability to process what has taken place at school, will typically determine how she responds to it. One approach of helping her deal with her feelings, is talking to her about what has happened and helping her place it into proper perspective. Letting her know that you will except her regardless of the grades that she receives, while still encouraging her to do her best, might help remove some of the pressure she is experiencing right now. She may be trying to over-perform for approval purposes. This can put enormous amounts of stress on a child.Having your child also work with an academic adviser or a school counselor can sometimes be helpful, or a professional counselor in your local community. Knowing that yourChild has the necessary support to feel that she does not have to be so stressed, can be encouraging. Children experience stress in many different ways. Stress from home, stress from friends, stress from world events that they see on TV. Having important conversations with your child can often help alleviate the symptoms.Child has the necessary support to feel that she does not have to be so stressed, can be encouraging. Children experience stress in many different ways. Stress from home, stress from friends, stress from world events that they see on TV. Having important conversations with your child can often help alleviate the symptoms.I hope this information is helpful for you. If I can be of further assistance and you are in the Tacoma, Washington area, please feel free to reach out to me."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It's so tough to watch your children struggle and it seems like you care strongly about how she is feeling.I think there's a lot of questions that come to mind when I read this question. What things upset her? How often do these things occur? What would it mean if it \"broke\" her? Also, is she a high school or college student still living at home, or a college student living out of home?Just with the information given, it's possible she has some perfectionistic tendencies. What this can mean is that there is a very clear intolerance for anything she sees as a failure, whether or not it truly is. It can also mean that she neglects other important areas of her life in order to focus her attention on her academics. Many people that deal with perfectionism often sacrifice social opportunities for work, which can be really lonely and stressful.Another thing to consider is that it may have nothing to do with being perfect. If she is living out of the home, is this her first time out on her own? That's a difficult change all in its own. If she's still at home, is she nearing the age of graduation and feels the pressure of figuring out her life/career path? Does she have other social issues going on with friends or is in an unhealthy relationship?No matter the answers to these questions, you are the best judge of what your daughter may need. It could be worth having a conversation to understand her perspectives and assess her willingness to see a professional. And make sure you are taking care of yourself as well! It's easy as a parent to become enmeshed with our children's pain when they are hurting, but taking care of yourself can best prepare you to help your child."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Sometimes it is hard to empathize with our children. Adults have had so much life experience and know how the world works. I think whatever is bothering her at the moment doesn't seem silly to her.What are her goals? Are they realistic.? It sounds like your daughter might be a perfectionist. Is it necessary for everything to be perfect? No, we all make mistakes. Perfectionists tend to sabotage their own success and succeed despite their perfectionism. Perfectionism makes them stressed and anxious and they have to deal with those feelings every day on top of striving for successPerfectionists also often have what is called a fixed mindset. They believe their basic abilities such as intelligence and talents are fixed traits. They are set in stone. For them, If they are not naturally good at something there is no hope of improvement. This mindset leads them to them want to appear perfect and never make mistakes. Your daughter probably needs some help to change her fixed mindset to a growth mindset. People who have growth mindsets believe their abilities can improve over time. thinking this way helps become more motivated and resilient They believe they can find ways to fix mistakes and get better at the challenging things by getting help, studying a different way, and not giving up.A therapist who treats children her age could help her re-frame her approach to challenging tasks and the way she thinks about her gifts and talents."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Sometimes stress helps us become motivated and thrive to do better however, if your daughter is stressing to the point that she is crying and freaking out then that would be concerning. Helping your daughter with relaxation techniques like deep breathing or guided imagery would be a good start. Also, reminding your daughter that you see her doing so well in school and that most importantly you are there for her. I would also make an appointment to see a mental health therapist they can have more ideas on ways to de-stress."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "The most important action you can take here is validating her feelings and staying calm when she is crying and \"freaking out\". It's equally important to do some self exploration regarding your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors towards making mistakes and how you respond to your mistakes. When she is calm, ask her what a mistake means to her. Giving her examples of different kinds of mistakes and listening to her responses will give you an idea of how extreme her thoughts are. Taking this opportunity to share with her your own struggles with perfectionism or some other area would help her feel more at ease. Reminding her that she is enough just as she is would be helpful as well. Encouraging her self care routine will help develop a greater sense of balance regarding her priorities. The practice of mindfulness will be helpful in self awareness. Creating a plan on what to do when the early signs of \"freaking out\" surface will strengthen her coping skills. Your fears as a parent are completely understandable and this definitely needs to be addressed. Your daughter cannot bring about change on her own and will need the family to work towards this change as well. A therapist that specializes in anxiety/perfectionism would be a great resource. They may also help you all have a greater understanding of what the root of this need for perfection is and how it plays a role in the family. I suggest one or two sessions without your daughter would be helpful to develop a course of action. I hope this was helpful. It takes a lot of courage to seek help and guidance, I'm glad you posted."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Aye, you're correct, that isn't normal, and maybe you should get her to a doctor!Before you do that, and if she were my daughter, I would provide her the necessary physical support that can be given readily at home; that is: proper natural diet, rest, and a good sense of detoxification before she readies herself to approach it.Basic listening is warranted here and would be of great use."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Your daughter is suffering from extremes of perfectionism. She needs to know that God accepts her as she is. I can provide her with a knowledge of her God-given, inborn temperament to help her find her God-esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "As parents, it's hard not to have \"freak out\" moments when our children are being bullied, stressed, or exhibit other symptoms of teenage angst. We walk a delicate balance of letting go and giving autonomy to our teens get older. Adolescents are learning how to be functional adults and it's important to allow them to try (and sometimes fail) in managing their emotions. Grades are a pretty good indicator of how a student is doing, overall. If your daughter has a 4.0 and there's no pattern of \"crying and freaking out\" I'd offer gentle support and encourage her to find ways to relax when she's stressed. If her grades start to decline and her crying spells become more frequent, a call to a counselor who specializes in teens might be in order. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Many of the youth I see in my practice are going through similar behaviors and concerns. If she feels like she can talk to you about this I think that is a great place to begin. There are many life stressors that youth have to manage and seeing others on social media seems to exacerbate these feelings and can feel like even more pressure to strive for perfection. You may be able to offer her support by listening to and validating her concerns, reviewing all that she has accomplished and praising her for doing her best and not push that she needs to be \"the best.\"If she feels she would like to speak to someone it may be good to find a therapist where she can vent her feelings and find a way to increase her coping skills. She may benefit from additional support outside the home where she can cry, learn to manage her worries and gain skills to triage the expectations of each day. She may benefit from skills that would help her to learn that she is enough already!"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Hi there Mom! Just look at all of the things that a teen has to juggle and it's no surprise they're stress out. There are simply not enough minutes in the day to get everything done. So, they react by cuttinginto important times such as social interaction and sleep. Our fast paced, fast food, society is taking its toll on our teen generation.While multi-tasking seems to be a hot pop word, it simply doesn't work. We aren't wired to do our best at multiple things at once. We are not machines but rather humans who are going to quickly expire if we don't get a handle on our stress.As adults, it's time we intervene and teach our teens how to maintain a healthy balance between work and play. We need to help them prioritize andput first things, first. Are you putting first things, first in your life?If not, it's a good time to start.Best of luck to you and your daughter in whatever you decide to do."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I understand that as a mom it must be really hard to see your daughter stressing about things at school. Based on your description it sounds as though she has very high expectations of herself and is pushing herself to keep up. I hear your concern and recommend that to start, you provide her a space where she can express herself openly to you without judgement. Although it may seem as though this is \"not normal\", unfortunately it is. From standardized testing, to awards, to scholarships, the pressure is on to perform at high levels for kids today. Secondly, I would recommend that you connect her with therapist that can teach her coping and stress management skills that can help alleviate some of her anxiety. A therapist can also help her identify any faulty beliefs she may have in regards to perfectionism or fear of failure. You're doing a great job keeping an eye out for your daughter and being in tune with her emotional wellness!"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I hear that you are concerned about your daughter's reaction and her emotional well being. Her behaviors are worry some as you feel she seems to be approaching her breaking point. I would suggest speaking to your daughter about the situation at school and her feelings. Listening and acknowledging your daughter's feelings without judgement or giving solutions is a very effective communication skill. Ask your daughter how she feels about speaking to a therapist or her doctor. Someone that she knows and feels comfortable talking to about her feelings and learning healthy coping skills to address stressful situations."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It sounds to me like your daughter is anxious to be perfect and has a low tolerance for failure. As her mother one of the most important messages you can share with her is that she need not be perfect, nor is it necessary. As a matter of fact, failure and making mistakes are only opportunity to learn and grow. Give her permission and more importantly she needs to give herself permission to be a perfectly flawed human. It may be a good idea to see a therapist to help her learn how to reframe some of her negative beliefs so she can form healthier thinking habits. Warm wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Dear Concern Mom, Sadly, kids nowadays stress a lot about school and compete with one and another. Determine Career-minded students, tend to be very hard on themselves and can eventually become very anxious about things. Whereas, it is a good thing to be driven it can break you down too. Therefore, I recommend that you find your young daughter someone that can help her find ways to cope with her strong desire to doing well in school. Getting ahead of it now before she gets worst is the best thing you could do for her. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Sincerely, Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Thank you for being an observant parent and taking the very important step toward getting help for you as well as your daughter. The period of adolescence and emerging adulthood are tumultuous times for youth ( and their parents). The pressure to fit-in, be liked, and succeed could be some of the contributing factors for your daughter's stress. I have had many adolescent clients who do very well academically, but keep it well hidden from their peers so that they can fit in. She is still learning about herself, her abilities and how to like herself none of which are easy tasks even for adults. The academic success that you refer to only tells part of the story. As I read your statement, I got a sense of what your daughter does and that you are proud of her academic accomplishments. However, I would also want to ask her who she is as a person and encourage her to explore that with assistance from a therapist.By working with a therapist your daughter will have the opportunity to discuss her stress, fears, and focus on achievement with an objective person. As she gains a better understanding of the source of her stress and learns some stress management, she can also learn to communicate her concerns to you.I do recommend starting with a therapist rather than the doctor. If the therapist believes that your daughter's symptoms would benefit from a health exam and/or medication they will make that recommendation."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Hello! First of all, thank you for paying attention to your daughter and noticing that she is concerned! It sounds like you have been a positive influence on her for her to be so focused on achievement and for her to care so deeply about her performance! Based on what you've said here, I understand that you are concerned that she is overly stressed, though. I share your concern. People of all ages have meltdowns when they become overwhelmed with stress, and the negative consequences of those meltdowns can definitely have a ripple-effect into other areas of our lives.For your daughter, the thing I would want to know FIRST is this: does she feel she has adequate healthy coping skills to manage the stress she is experiencing? Because, it doesn't really matter WHAT she is stressing on...what matters is how she deals with her stress when it threatens to overwhelm her. I'd like to know what, exactly, that she does when she is feeling stressed that helps her to feel better. If she has only unhealthy coping skills (for example, sleeping, shutting-down, raging, self-attack with critical self-talk, etc.), or only one or two healthy skills, we would want to teach her some additional healthy strategies to help her KNOW that she can cope.Just one risk of not addressing this issue now could be that she may come to \"learn\" that stress is 'unbearable' which may cause her to turn to destructive or escapist strategies to avoid the discomfort, the pain of feeling hopeless, and/or the negative belief that she \"cannot help herself.\" I definitely think it would be worth both your whiles to have her evaluated by her family doctor and/or a professional counselor. With a counselor specifically, she could learn the needed skills as well as be evaluated for other issues that may be contributing to the issue (for example, a learned belief that she \"must be perfect or she is not worthy.\") Plus, having a neutral support person to help her meet her personal goals is always a good thing. Good luck, mom and daughter!Learn more about me and my practice at www.EMDRheals.com"}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "As a therapist and mother of four children (3 of whom are teenagers)...I hear your pain. Raising children in our society is no joke. Kids are under a tremendous amount of pressure from parents, peers, teachers, coaches and the list goes on and on. Fear and anxiety can suffocate students particularly as they approach their high school years where they are bombarded with questions about their future and expected to select professions before they have even gone to college!!I highly encourage the teens I work with to strive for balance in their lives- and we can model this for our children by how we choose to live! Encourage your child to spend time with friends, join you for a yoga class, read a book, pick up a hobby or go out to exercise. If your daughter continues to feel overwhelmed by stress, it would be a good idea to select a therapist for her to go speak with. As much as we love our children, there are times where kids need to consult with a neutral 3rd party. It can be a wonderful thing for kids to have a therapist whom they can confide in."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "As a Parent it can be very hard to see your child struggling. It sounds like theyre experiencing anxiety from their stress. Its always a good idea to check in with your family doctor. Many children are experiencing anxiety and can benefit from individual counseling services to help them cope with their stress. School pressures and academic achievements can you create physical stress responses in the body. Seeing a counselor can also help you as the mom or dad have available tools to provide Continued support. It sounds like you are a great support for them and helping them connect to their resources."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It sounds as though your daughter is struggling to manage her anxiety and she is having really big reactions to what you view as small problems or issues. What have you tried with her in the past? As exhausting as it might be, a good first step is to empathize and validate her feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "It may be helpful to register for a class you can take together. I would recommend mindful meditation or yoga, just the two of you. Something you find time for in a weekly basis. Yoga is amazing in learning mindfulness and reducing stress. I use yoga and mindful techniques when working with children and recommend it to parents to engage with their children. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "Its hard to answer this question based on the information presented but I shall give it a go, Is it possible that your daughter is afraid of failing, I've seen many children and kids who get stressed out over grades or performance in sports, can you tell me \"what was your grade in fourth grade English? Or what was the score of the 7th game you played in football when you were a junior? Much of what happens to us is insignificant and we worry over things which really , in the long term don't matter much to us. But ask yourself this question, Is your daughters reaction to what is going grossly out of proportion with what would normally be expected, if the answer is yes, a visit to a psychotherapist might not be a bad idea to learn some coping skills and to alter our reaction to life."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my daughter is stressing too much", "questionText": "When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. Im afraid its going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.", "answerText": "I agree with your observation about your daughter feeling stressed. Are you able to open this topic in conversation with her?Also, reflect on your own expectations as a parent. It is possible that your daughter is trying to please you by getting consistently high grades.If your daughter prefers talking in confidence to a therapist, then this may help her regain a sense of balance in her life so that schoolwork feels less stressful.I wouldn't take her to a doctor because based on what you write, the problem is psychological and emotionally based. While the stress may have physical symptoms, addressing the root cause of the problem has nothing to do directly with something being physically wrong with your daughter.Unless there is some other medical or physical problem that would explain your daughter's sense of stress, I'd start first by bringing your areas of concern to your daughter, then possibly to a therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "As you will see in the two verses I will list below, Jesus and the apostle Paul are telling us that we have to learn how to let go of our past. Jesus says that anyone who is trying to move forward in his walk and call for God but keeps looking back is not fit for the kingdom of God.Seek deliverance from parts of your past youre struggling to let go. Ask the Holy Spirit or your higher power to help. Find how to incorporate visitation so this child see you and also maybe seek some legal advice on this matter."}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "You can \"move on and not live in the past\" in the context of your ex-relationship, but that does not mean moving on from your child. \"Moving on\" then would involve accepting the end of the relationship and developing a civil relationship with your ex-partner as far as is possible for the sake of your child's development.Generally, it's good for a functional (non-abusive) parent to spend time with his/her child, but only insofar as that doesn't cause your child unnecessary stress. That requires the two adults to act like adults with each other for the sake of their child.What's confusing for children is seeing their parents act uncivilly or manipulatively. Children also do well with routines so regular dependable visitation is preferable to random visitation or, worse, not following through on commitments.But if one person is exploiting their child to harm their ex-partner, then visiting your child in that context may be stressful to him/her (depending on what you mean by using your child as a pawn). When dealing with a hostile ex-partner, your first challenge is to negotiate rules and boundaries with your ex-partner about appropriate behavior for the good of your child. If you cannot come to an agreement, a counselor can help mediate a conversation. If that's not an option, then it may be possible to turn to family court to stipulate visitation rules (for which you'd have to consult with an attorney)."}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "Your child is not part of your past, he or she is part of your present and future. Your child needs you. Statistics about fatherless children are staggering. Research shows children raised in a father-absent home experience the following: 4x greater risk of poverty, more likely to have behavioral problems, 7x more likely to become pregnant as a teen, more likely to face abuse and neglect, more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, 2x more likely to suffer obesity, 2x more likely to drop out of school, more likely to commit crime and more likely to go to prison. Listen to your heart and ask yourself, what do you want for your child? Co-parenting is hard when each parent is unable to prioritize the best interests of the child. You and your ex-wife can get help learning how to co-parent in a way that will work for each of you with the best interest of your child in mind. What is confusing for a child is why did my parent abandon me and they will struggle with issues of worthiness and self-esteem for the rest of their lives. Here are some websites for you to check out and get help with the most important job you'll ever have...being a father!https://fatherhoodfactor.com/us-fatherless-statistics/https://www.fatherhood.org/fatherhood-data-statisticshttps://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/http://fathers.com/statistics-and-research/the-consequences-of-fatherlessness/"}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "Hi, your situation sounds very complicated and sensitive. It is important to handle it with care as it involves your children. When parents are attempting to co-parent, the clearer the boundaries and expectations are the easier it gets to effectively co-parent. Parenting your child is not living in the past, allow me to reframe that approach and instead view it as an investment in your future. Your child will forever be your child and deserves and active loving and caring father. Staying away sends a different message to your child and leaves room for resentment. Find a way to create an agreement between you and your ex-wife with the best interest of your child as the focus. The courts are able to assist with this goal as well."}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "The thing that confuses a child the most is for a parent to come and go from their life. Children have a way of making things their fault, even when they have done nothing wrong. Because of this, when parents cut off contact, the child thinks it's their fault.As hard as that already is for a child, it is even worse when a parent pops in and out of their life. This makes the belief even more strong for them. They start to think, \"why does dad keep leaving? What am I doing to keep making him go away?\"I believe a child needs both parents in their life. Whether she used you for a child or not, that child still exists and never asked for this. They didn't ask to be born into drama and two parents that can't make things work.You can move on and start over while still maintaining a relationship with your child. If you start over far away, this may mean less visits but you'll still be a part of their life. Just make sure when you make a commitment to this child to stick to it. Every child deserves that much.Good luck to you! :-)"}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "What are the ways your ex-wife uses your child as a pawn?This answer determines the best ways to handle particular situations.Basically, distinguish that your father relationship to your child lasts has great meaning for your child and as the adult, the responsibility for managing this relationship falls on you.Your relationship to your ex wife took place between two adults and therefore you are only responsible for your own actions to repair the damage done to you.From what you write, you already have a plan in progress to do this by separating yourself as much as possible from contact with the ex.In a way the challenge of keeping active as a parent while also distancing and clearing your emotions of the hurt and betrayal done to you, will establish both a solid relationship with your child and grow more acceptance and self-forgiveness of having been taken advantage of and tricked."}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "I am really glad you reached out. When parents get divorced, they still need to figure out how to have relationship so that they can parent their child. We might divorce our partners, however, we don't divorce our children. If anything our children need to know that we are still a stable force in their lives. Unfortunately, in some relationships children get used as a bargaining piece and I am hearing that may be happening in your relationship.You can move on from the relationship with your ex while still maintaining a relationship with your child. It is possible and it takes both parents to agree to do the right thing by their child. It is important for your children to have some consistency in his or her time with you. For example, if you and your ex don't have a parenting schedule it is something that you want to create so that you can not only decide for you when you will see your child, but your child can know when you will be available just for her. This will lay the foundation for consistency and allow your child to have some security in troubled times.I would highly recommend you sit down with your ex and discuss how you can both be a positive source in your child's life. How you can both be there to help raise her. If this is not a conversation that you can have on your own you might seek out help from the court. There are parenting experts and mediators who might be able to assist you.Remember, in any discussion keep the focus on what is best for your child and you will be moving in the right direction.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "If you have a good relationship with your child then you have already accepted and been accepted as this child's parent and you have a commitment and an obligation to play that role. If you suddenly absent yourself from this child's life then you may be doing real damage. Working out an arrangement with the child's mother for regular visits the child can count on and committed to by both parents will serve the best interest of the child, which I assume is what both parents are truly concerned with. The visits don't have to be every day, once a week, even once a month, is better than hit and miss with long absences in between. Best of luck to you, and the fact that you asked the question says volumes about your parenting potential. Feel free to follow up with me, on line or in person."}, {"questionTitle": "How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?", "questionText": "My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?", "answerText": "You're in a difficult situation and on behalf of you and your child, I commend you for trying to find the right thing to do.Short version: your child needs you as much as possible. period. Always. We used to think that children were almost always harmed by divorce, unless there was extreme conflict or violence. More recent data shows that children are not necessarily harmed by divorce if they keep both their parents. In other words, the damaging part is losing half of themselves and losing the value of being connected to everyone who loves them, especially the other parent, in addition to the extra benefit there is from the other parent's perspective, strengths and so on.The best thing for your child is for you to be available and loving and doing everything possible to allow the child to be whole - a person who incorporates BOTH parents. It's a tragedy for everyone to use a child to achieve adult aims, like getting back at a former spouse. In such a circumstance, your child needs you more than ever. If you and your wife have different rules and so on, your child will learn to adjust and adapt, just as they would if you remained in the household. A child quickly learns that they talk to mom about x,y,z or get away with whatever, but has different rules with dad. He/she will not be too confused in the long run.Please stay the course in dealing with a difficult ex-wife for you and your child's wellbeing. Best of luck to all."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it ok ayto talk with my grown children about spending time with their children?", "questionText": "I was a single mom most of their growing up life and have guilt about trying to work three jobs and being gone a lot. My children are successful with their own business's, have lots of nanny and cleaning help, but I just feel they have such a great opportunity to spend it with their kids.", "answerText": "You seem to have been a very positive influence in your kids' lives.They may have worked so hard because they understood how difficult and tiring your life was as a single mom.I feel you are seeing your kids' lives through the measurement of how much toil was in your life as a single mom.In other words, what you see your kids overlooking or not appreciating, may remind you of your wishes during the many years you raised your kids.If it helps you and is possible, then maybe you could spend more of your own time tougher with your grandkids. This may give some reward for the many years you spent working to support your kids and had no choice in the amount of time you had with your kids.As far as your kids relationship to their kids, it is now their turn to raise them as they wish, within ethical boundaries of course.Depending on the topics you and your kids talk about, consider to bring up your concern as to whether they feel their kids, your grandkids, are missing anything due to the limited time they have with the parents."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my dad?", "questionText": "My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do?", "answerText": "You are valid. Your idea about I want to move out may be the key to putting some distance between you two and giving you the space you deserve.Also taking the power away from him and giving it back to yourself. Do not base your worth on others opinions. Often how other people act towards us is more about them than us. Other peoples opinion of you does not decide the sum total of your worth, you alone do that.This meditation could prove helpful I am ENOUGH - Guided Meditation"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my dad?", "questionText": "My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do?", "answerText": "If you're actually able to afford to move out and support your own life, then this is a reasonable choice.If you're not in such a position and must continue for a while to live w your dad, then emotionally protect yourself from him.Doing so is much more difficult than maybe it sounds.Do you have privacy in your house and can you spend more time in a self-created safe space than around your dad?Also, limit the amount of dialogue you have with him so you don't offer him a chance to feel invited to criticize you.Are there other people who live in the household w you and dad?If yes, then are they similarly called names or are you singled out by him?What do the other family members do when they hear your dad calling you names?Is it possible the other family members don't realize how hurt and upset you are by your dad's behavior?If yes, then make a project for yourself to tell the other family members that you suffer from your dad's name calling.It is possible the other family members will step in and tell your dad to stop.Not necessarily that he will stop. Knowing the others support you emotionally and find you credible is helpful on its own."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my dad?", "questionText": "My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do?", "answerText": "Are you old enough to move out? Then by all means, what's stopping you?If not, is it possible for you to move in with another family member?If you're a minor, CPS may need to step in. They often do in cases of abuse. Your safety is the number one priority.It's difficult to offer advice without knowing more about your situation. But I can say this: Don't let other people define your self worth. You can choose NOT to allow him to make you feel anything. It really is that simple. By looking at it as a choice you make, you will be empowered to take control over your emotions and learn to feel better about yourself because your self-worth will no longer be defined by what someone else says about you or how they treat you.Let me say that again in a different way: Your self-worth is NOT defined by someone else. The way he treats you is a reflection of who he is as a person - not you. Don't take ownership of that!I understand that if you are a minor, setting healthy boundaries and refusing to accept this kind of treatment can be difficult. Reach out to others for help. But if you are 18 and over, there is absolutely no excuse for you to be there having to put up with maltreatment. Put up some boundaries and create the distance needed to protect yourself emotionally. You owe it to yourself, and deserve to live a healthy, happy life. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong."}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc's ex-husband shows up unannounced", "questionText": "he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fianc tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?", "answerText": "The short answer to your question is \"No\" it's not okay for anyone to ever be doing this.There's a lot of unanswered questions and other factors going on here that need attention. Nevertheless, don't hesitate to seek out legal counsel and/or call 911. Ideally, yourfianc would be able to speak directly to her ex-husband and set reasonable boundaries that honor whatever legal agreements are in force resultant from the divorce and custody agreements. The fact that she's afraid to say anything to him about his inappropriate behavior, and that she hasn't been able to give you any reason for her fear, suggests possible factors of past abusive behaviors, entitlement, and/or co-dependence. I hope things work out well for all and I'm confident a skilled therapist could help all navigate how best to set boundaries and experience greater healing."}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc's ex-husband shows up unannounced", "questionText": "he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fianc tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?", "answerText": "Do you know the reason your fianc puts up with the ex's behavior?If not, then ask her.The answer could be anything, from some agreement the two of them made either formally or informally before you came into her life, to residual sense of obligation she feels toward him as a parent, or that she genuinely does fear his physical or verbal anger if she disagrees with what he wants.Facts are the best starting point to know how to handle a situation.There is no blanket rule and certainly no law which prohibits what he's doing. The situation is entirely in the hands of the people involved."}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc's ex-husband shows up unannounced", "questionText": "he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fianc tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?", "answerText": "The kids are actually her Property, and he does have a claim to them as he wishes;The house is yours, I presume;So require that if he wishes to see his Property, it be done off of your Property;And, that as long as it remains your Property, you have jurisdiction over all those, therein;Require compensation for visits, and send him a bill;When he doesn't pay, send to the local sheriff, go to small claims court, and win a judgment against him for non-payment;I wonder how that might work out... act as man :)"}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc's ex-husband shows up unannounced", "questionText": "he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fianc tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?", "answerText": "The obvious answer is no, it's not okay. There are other you should be asking though. You said your fiance \"seems afraid\" of her ex. Did you ask her about that? Is there a reason he still has a key to the home? Has there been any discussion of appropriate boundaries? I work with a lot of people parenting from different households and the stickiest spots are the ones that have not been discussed. There is obviously conflict there or they wouldn't have split, but your fiance and her ex do need to stay aligned for the kids and that can't happen if she feels fearful or resentful. If she doesn't have a problem with his barging in, clearly you do (and who wouldn't? He's not YOUR ex!), so you and she need to have some agreements around his access to the home.If she is afraid to bring up the discussion then I strongly recommend that she and the ex get some help with a good therapist. The kids health, your health and hers, and the health of your relationships in the family depend on it!"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "Not much to go on. Her age medical etc. This can be frustrating seeing a loved one sick. Find what interests her or has an influence over her. If you know why...maybe try and allow her to heal. Presents things in front of her that give her no choice but to focus on instead of what has put her in this state. What brings her joy? Good luck"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "That sounds awful, and is clearly unsustainable. There are some great answers that give some guidance about what might be an underlying condition. If all physical and mental health issues are ruled out, it's time to take action. Get backup from friends or family members if you need to, but let your daughter know you are giving her 30 days notice. She needs to find another place to live within that time. If she wants to stay with you, be clear that first she has to go, with a potential to return after she has been out for a good chunk of time. Once out, she can prove to you, and more importantly to herself, that she is capable of maintaining her health and her environment. Remember, you are going to rule out issues that would make it impossible for her to be successful; if she is in good health, her staying with you and living this way is actually harming her."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "This sounds like a painful situation, where you care about your daughter and want to help, yet you feel helpless to do so. I'm sorry you are going through this. You do not mention how old your daughter is, which makes a huge difference in my mind as to how to approach this. If she is a minor, then you have a responsibility for her health and wellbeing. If she is 18 or older, this shifts a bit.I would suggest slowing everything down and consider your goals. If you continue to require her to behave differently every time you interact, she will likely continue to tune you out.However, if you choose to prioritize your relationship and connection to her, there are other approaches. These include taking an interest in her, as a person. Being willing to talk with her without making any suggestions, and if possible, withholding judgment about what she is doing or not doing. This takes practice and tremendous control because of our tendency as parents to want to fix what's wrong.Best wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "It can be difficult to find ways to talk to your children, or to get them to talk to you. Although it's difficult, it's not impossible; read on to find out how to get your adult child to talk to you.Learn to ListenTake the time to listen to them when they want to talk. Instead of saying you'll talk to them later, step away from what you're doing and listen to what they have to say. Don't talk, interrupt or be quick to offer advice; just listen.Put Yourself in Their ShoesAs you listen, your knee jerk response may be to quickly resolve their issue, offer advice or maybe even dismiss their complaints or opinions. Put yourself in your teen's shoes; think about how you would feel if your spouse responded to you the way you respond to them.Watch for SignsEveryone has a desire to be heard and understood. Mirror back to them what you hear them saying. Watch for signs that they're not being heard or understood by you. They might roll their eyes, shake their head, wave their hand at you or interrupt. When they're nodding and/or silent, you'll know you've understood.Ask Specific QuestionsAsk specific questions rather than general \"how was your day?\" questions. Ask questions about a friend you know by name. Ask open ended questions such as, \"What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst thing?\"Location, Location, LocationWhen and where you try to talk to your kid matters. One of the worst times to talk to kids is after work. Just like you do after work, they need wind-down time. Instead, ask questions around the dinner table. It's casual, and there's no pressure for eye contact.[wpforms id=\"60\"]"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "Hello,I know that your situation is frustrating and debilitating. It sounds like she either has a medical or mental condition. She needs help, and for the sounds of it, you want to help her. I suggest that you take the time to contemplate the best way and time to approach her. Rehearse ahead of time what you want her to hear and what the end goal is. I know it might seem like a lot of work for you to do and perhaps you even feel frustrated about that, but the only way you will reach her is if you approach it in a way she hears your concern and desire to help her. Be prepared with facts and places to go for help. The better prepared you are, the better the chances of her to act on it. Remind her how much you love her and how it is not healthy for her or for the relationship for this to continue. With lots of love and patience, you can make a difference. Stay Strong!Best of luck to you and your daughter, Mirella~"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "I'm sorry for what sounds like a frustrating situation.For how long has your daughter lived the way you describe and did it start all of a sudden or more gradually come on?What you write sounds like a major depressive disorder and this can start for a variety of reasons and improve in just as many different ways.Start with how you are feeling about the situation. Ask yourself for how long you will be able to tolerate the way your daughter lives and if you feel any satisfaction in your mother daughter relationship.If she is of legal age, and you don't want her to live with you, you've tried convincing her to get medical care for its own sake and to more clearly see her emotional and psychological health, and she is unwilling to take care of herself, you can discuss your options with the adult protective services agency in your state.The first step is to know what exactly is her problem so you can decide if its own you are willing to take care of or not."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter", "questionText": "There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?", "answerText": "1. She's an adult.2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules.3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists.4. I recommend the book \"Codependent No More\" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by \"helping\" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is \"Boundaries: Where you end and I begin\". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a \"but...\" and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is \"the right thing\" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices."}, {"questionTitle": "My son plays alone at recess", "questionText": "Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?", "answerText": "It can be tricky to figure out if a child is truly satisfied with his lack of friendships. Parents can usually tell when their child is happy. But kids who are unhappy may be masking disappointment, perhaps acting out their feelings in an aggressive manner. Others may internalize symptoms, appearing sad or withdrawn.A parent may learn a great deal by asking the teachers questions such as whether the child works with others on group projects or if he eats lunch alone. A parent can also talk with the recess supervisor about what happens on the playground, and whether your child stays on the sidelines of play, unsure of how to join the group.Therespectfully is a difference between kids who are shy but happy and kids who feel isolated because they do not know how to make friends. Itis not necessarily that there is something wrong with that child, but they will in fact need help and suggestions for breaking into a peer groupAsk a child if there is someone he would like to have over to play. If a mom or dad can make the play dates happen, or if they hit on an activity the child truly enjoys, the young person may begin to forge friendships on their own.I encourage well-meaning parents to choose words carefully. Use phrases like, \"Hey, I noticed something,\" or \"Let me help you be successful.\" By showing respect, parents should feel more comfortable nudging their children beyond their comfort zone.When to seek professional help.When does isolation raise a red flag for long-term issues? True personality disorders are not typically diagnosed until adulthood. Still, professional counseling should be considered if the anti-social behavior is causing the child significant distress, perhaps keeping him from functioning in everyday activities. Also, parents should pay attention to how the child's social behavior changes over time such as social anxiety.The vast majority of children who define \"quality time\" as time alone are perfectly happy, healthy and normal. If the child is able to nurture at least one friendship, exhibiting what experts call \"social reciprocity,\" then parents can relax, and can cherish that child who enjoys the pleasure of his or her own company."}, {"questionTitle": "My son plays alone at recess", "questionText": "Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?", "answerText": "I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in."}, {"questionTitle": "My son plays alone at recess", "questionText": "Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?", "answerText": "Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring \"just during recess\" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further.Hope this helps,C"}, {"questionTitle": "My son plays alone at recess", "questionText": "Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?", "answerText": "The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing.Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess?Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess?How is his academic progress?How is his social integration among his classmates?Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment?Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled."}, {"questionTitle": "My toddler wants her daddy to die when she's mad at him", "questionText": "I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die.", "answerText": "Children often have a difficult time expressing emotions accurately. It is also very likely that your daughter does not understand the permanence of death. Having said that, she is using some very specific ideas here and I would recommend contacting a local mental health professional with some experience working with children.I would also wonder where she is getting this idea. Sometimes children hear things on TV or from an adult and we are not even aware of how much they are remembering.It may be helpful to teach her things that she can do when she is angry, like say that she is mad because she cannot have the toy that she is asking for.I'm curious as to how long it is that she stays mad like this and whether she talks to her dad after she is no longer angry. Does she say the same sorts of things about you?It may also be helpful for you to work with a mental health professional (possibly the same one who is working with your daughter) so that you can have some support with this as well."}, {"questionTitle": "My toddler wants her daddy to die when she's mad at him", "questionText": "I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die.", "answerText": "It's normal for a child to be so angry she wanted someone to die, but this seems to be heading into a dangerous realm. I think it would be wise to have her seen by a child psychologist just to rule out anything more serious."}, {"questionTitle": "My toddler wants her daddy to die when she's mad at him", "questionText": "I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die.", "answerText": "Toddlers don't have the intellectual capacity to conceptualize.Better to find out why she wants daddy to die than explain the future consequences of death to your toddler.A person must be around 9, possibly 8 years old before absorbing the potential effects of an action taken in present time.Pretty much your toddler demonstrated to you here age appropriate and limited understanding of the loss of a parent, by crying that you weren't able to magically make her father disappear.Also, please pay attention and form your own opinions as to the reasons why your toddler would wish her father's death.She may be pointing out that the father behaves in frightening or harmful ways towards her."}, {"questionTitle": "Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse?", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!! I pray you have other strong and supportive loved ones or friends surrounding you. If you are in school, please consider speaking with a counselor on site who can help give you some good coping mechanisms as well as other resources.I believe most therapists would agree that this type of behavior is indicative of emotional AND verbal abuse. And quite often the two overlap because someone who is being yelled at and demeaned is also frequently having his/her emotions preyed upon as well.Healthy Placeoffers us some great examples of emotional abuse which certainly fit the criteria of what you describe:Yelling or swearingName calling or insults; mocking.Threats and intimidation.Ignoring or excluding.Isolating.Humiliating.Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim.And abuse survivor and author, Kellie Jo Holly, offers some other great examples of verbal abuse:Emotionally Abusive StatementsYoure so cute when you try to concentrate! Look at you trying to think.I cant believe I love a stupid jerk.Aw, come on, cant you take a joke?Sexually Abusive StatementsYou should know how to please me by now.I hoped you were less experienced.Stop acting like a whore.Financially Abusive StatementsYou are going to nickel and dime me to death!In what world does buying that make sense?Fine. You handle your finances. Let me know when things go to hell.Societally Abusive StatementsHow dare you spread around our private business!Let me do the talking; people listen to men.You took a vow in front of God and everybody and I expect you to honor it!Threatening and Intimidating StatementsIf you dont train that dog Im going to rub your nose in its mess.I will take our kids if you leave me.Youre scared?! This isnt angry! You will KNOW when Im ANGRY!Spiritually Abusive StatementKeep your stupid beliefs to yourself.God will find a way to get you back, and it aint gonna be pretty.I can feel myself being pulled into hell just listening to your nonsense!It's been my personal clinical experience that children who are experiencing the types of things you describe often say they feel misunderstood, lonely, or scared and don't want to make things worse by standing up for themselves.Even if you feel you can't defend yourself outwardly, that doesn't mean your father's awful and toxic behavior is something you should ever internalize (i.e., believe to be true) which is why I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who will speak life and positivity back over you. We are ALL worthy of respect, love, and kindness. Don't ever forget that!My love and light to you hon.Tamara Powell, LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse?", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse.The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you.If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad.I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling."}, {"questionTitle": "Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse?", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "Yes, this emotional abuse. There is no abuse without emotional abuse. His abuse is demeaning and can have lasting negative impact on your perspective of your self and people around you. Please find someone support to talk to."}, {"questionTitle": "Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse?", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Having said that, everyone gets upset once in awhile and may yell or scream, which can be disrespectful. You said \"always, and I mean always\" and that is troubling. If your dad curses and screams at you on a regular and consistent basis, it can (as you stated) impact the way you feel about yourself.While the definitions of child abuse differ from state to state, talking to someone can help. Perhaps there is a counselor at school, or another trustworthy person you could confide in to help you understand how this situation is impacting you? Counseling is a good option.There is also help available through the national hotline at1-800-422-4453, 24 hours a day, 7 days aweek. You can call (press 1) and talk to a counselor while being anonymous. You can also check out this website:https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/resources-kids/I am sorry that you are going though this situation. There is help available. You do not have to go through this situation alone."}, {"questionTitle": "Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse?", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "It sounds like your dad makes you feel badly about yourself when he screams, cusses at you, and compares you to your siblings. I am so, so sorry you are going through that. That would be considered emotional abuse because it sounds like he is greatly hurting your feelings when he is behaving in that way. My heart goes out to you. No one deserves to be treated like that and you do not have to allow yourself to be treated like that. Please try to find a therapist who could give you tips for creating healthy boundaries with your dad regarding how he treats you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse?", "questionText": "My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?", "answerText": "Yes, screaming and cussing at your child is considered abuse.Here are two points I suggest you consider for your situation.If your dad is ever calm when you and him are with one another, ask for some time to talk about your relationship with him.Schedule it for sometime in the near future from your request. This way he has time to consider his points of view on his relationship to you. Even if he does no thinking about your relationship at all, he will not feel pressured by the surprise of suddenly being expected to talk about a topic he may prefer to prepare himself.My second point to you is to keep steady in your own views of who you are. When a parent demeans and mistreats a child, the child is affected in a negative way. Concentrate on loving yourself and keeping people in your friendship circle who care about you."}, {"questionTitle": "How should we punish our son for peeing his pants because of laziness?", "questionText": "He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again.", "answerText": "Sounds as though your son is \"pissed off\" about something.Punishment will most likely result in more of the same, not less of the peeing you would like to stop from happening.\"Laziness\" is more of a social judgement than it is a characteristic of its own merit.Is this your description of your son or his description of himself?First step always before addressing any of the family dynamics, emotions, and psychology of the people involved, is a medical rule out as to why your son pees at times he plays video games.If he has medical clearance that there is no physiological problem, then talk with your son on his opinions as to why he pees, if he is aware of the urge to pee and ignores it, or that his attention gets so absorbed he doesn't notice the urge to pee.See what modifications you can create by cooperating with your son.Maybe it is as simple as each two hours, he sets a timer and when it goes off, he takes a bathroom break."}, {"questionTitle": "How should we punish our son for peeing his pants because of laziness?", "questionText": "He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again.", "answerText": "From a behavioral standpoint you should refrain from punishing your son. Instead of utilizing punishment when he wets himself provide contingencies prior to any accidents. Sit down with your son and discuss the importance of utilizing the bathroom and responsibilities and inform him that if he chooses to wet his pants that his video games will not be available for use for him the next day(or your designated realistic time frame).This way if an accident occurs, no heated words have to be exchanged because you have already laid the ground work. Also allow him to clean up himself. Gather cleaning supplies and and oversee cleaning operations without ridicule or negative feedback. Since you have stated that you have an adolescent who is experiencing enuresis, you may want to check with your PCP and a licensed professional for underlying diagnosis that can be treated. You can also call a local behavioral analyst."}, {"questionTitle": "My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi! I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with this situation. I have worked with a number of young adults in their 20's who have had to move back home after college , or even stay at home through the college years. Bottom line is that either way , it is so difficult when you are trying to discover who you are and what you want your life to be , to have to live at home. I have even heard much older adults clients say that when they visit their childhood home , they suddenly feel like a \"kid\" again . The old dynamics between adults and their parents and siblings can pop right up as if they have gone back in time and are no longer adults !I would suggest that you approach your mom and say something like \"I am hoping we can talk about the best way for us to manage me living here. I really appreciate that you are giving me a place to live until I get on my feet , and I want to be respectful of you and our home ; at the same time , though, I feel like it's important for me to have more independence than when I was younger because I am growing up and trying to learn more about myself and become more autonomous. Can we talk about what might be fair rules that we can both live with ?\"If she is receptive , maybe you can each write a separate list of what you think would be fair and reasonable and then compare lists and try to make compromises and come up with a list of \"guidleines\" that feel fair to you both . If this is too hard to do alone , perhaps you and your mom can meet with a therapist a few times who can help you to come up with some kind of \"compromise contract.\" This is not an easy situation , but if you can approach your mom in a calm and \"mature\" way and suggest a planned, structured discussion that doesn't take place in the heat of the moment , your mom may be impressed by your maturity and even more receptive to working out some rules that you can both live with.Good luck !!Elissa Gross"}, {"questionTitle": "My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "These things happen and it is her roof...If you can try and stay busy avoid situations that make you feel like this. Be Kind and Courteous as if you were living with a room mate. You can also pay some kind of rent. Don't feel bad even adults face this with their parents even when their 80 and you are 50. Some children take care of their older parents or deal with family responsibilities. Try and do what you can to move forward in your life or ask her to help so that you can live on your own and maybe she just needs to feel needed."}, {"questionTitle": "My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awarenessofexpectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by themand supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece withthem to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T"}, {"questionTitle": "My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hello. Even though legally you are an adult, it is a matter of courtesy to respect the homes of your parents. As long as you live there, you should be considerate of their needs. At the same time, there should be conversation about what each of you considers appropriate as it pertains to communication between a parent and an adult (even though you are still her offspring). This will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to give from both sides in a respectful way. Healthy boundaries can be established and honored when each is willing to do their part in this new relationship. Your mother knows you are an adult, but has not had as many years of treating you like one. So mentally and emotionally this will take some time for her to adapt. Share your concerns with her, and see if you can come up with a set of rules that you both can honor. It will be a great stepping stone for both of you as you move into this new chapter together as you begin relating a little differently.Reach out for help to a counselor if needed. You don't have to sort this out on your own. And lastly, take good care of yourself in the process. You are moving through some exciting times in your life. The more you can have support as you explore new events, the better you might feel less stressed.Warm regards."}, {"questionTitle": "My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as \"controlling\". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to \"see your point\". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out.www.lifecounselingorlando.com"}, {"questionTitle": "My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone. If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there. I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon. Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict. If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own."}, {"questionTitle": "My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "That is a really tough situation that a lot of young people are experiencing right now. The first thing to under is that you cant change who your parents are and cannot change their behavior. The thing to keep in mind is that you can control your responses and actions. You may need to keep living at home with them for the next few months or years and the best way to do this is to have a plan. The second thing is to keep in mind that their controlling behavior is most likely not about based your behavior. Controlling parents are often driven by their concept of what will keep their children safe and happy. Unfortunately this is not always accurate but keep in mind it is not a personal attack. There are ways you can deal with controlling parents and most of them require creating a plan of action.Examples of action plans:Decide in advance how youll calmly and rationally respond to your parents when you feel theyre trying to control youArrange to phone a friend or trusted adult when you feel like youre losing controlTalk in person to an adult you trust. There arent any quick tips on how to deal with parents who want to control you; you need to find strategies that are geared to your specific family situation. Get specific coping tips from books about family dynamics, such as:Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan ForwardCutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard HalpernA counselor can be a good resource and provide support and guidance about issues addressing normal growth and development during periods of transition."}, {"questionTitle": "My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do", "questionText": "I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?", "answerText": "You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties."}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I think one of the best things to pass on to our children, or simply one of the best lessons in life, is to learn when to internalize (it's an issue in me) and when to externalize (it's an issue in them), as well as always finding the balance of the two.In this case, you don't seem to be the issue. Sure, living with your parents with your child probably is not your dream scenario, nor your parents'. But, there are ways to process that without someone feeling abused, and your parents clearly have zero ability or boundaries if they are willing to verbally abuse you in front of your child, and their grandchild. If there is a reason they are doing so, I'm sure they think they have a good one. However, the dynamic that they are willingly setting up is problematic. And it is THEIR problem.However, by being strong and not taking in someone's verbal abuse, you are going to role model for your child how it's about what is inside of you, your own drive, that will be what is important, NOT what others say about you. It's important to always come back to yourself inside, and seeing the good that is in you (or even just noticing that it's there, if you can't quite see it in its entirety.)I would also advise your parents to think about their own role modeling."}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I can't imagine what you are feeling but I can tell you that you are right to be concerned about your children baring witness to this abuse. This is a great teachable moment for your kids. How you handle yourself will be very important for your children to see. Your \"REACTION\" is what you should focus on. Will you react with rage and name calling? Will you listen to your parents with respect and talk to them in private about how they are speaking to you in front of your kids? Will you talk your kids about what is going?From reading this I am assuming you live with your parents. If this is the case you have to think about what you can do to change your situation. Have a plan! Set a goal! Don't lose hope!"}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "The first step is realizing your value and establishing firm boundaries. When your parents cross that boundary and are verbally abusive, you have to have a plan to stand your ground and act upon it. That plan may include a better job to afford a place of your own, a domestic violence shelter if you are unable to provide for your needs, a firm talk with your parents about your parental authority, or other. Whatever you do has to be firm or consistent, a boundary that you allow someone to cross is no boundary. There is always a way, if you have no where to go, ask yourself why is that the case(which I am sure you have considered already) and what can I do about it. If you choose not to take any action then you are enabling your parents to remain abusive. Ask yourself too, why am I not acting on my situation. Am I too dependent on them? Do I not want to change? Is it easier just to let them provide for me? Be honest with yourself. You need to work on your self esteem, and things that empower you. Support groups in person or online, Church groups or organizations, friends, books, music, etc.... but think on things that will empower you. Are you stuck financially because of the need for a job? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need training in a new field? There are a myriad of possibilities and answers. Action, think action and Change, what can I change?"}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "That is unfortunate that you are being verbally abused and that the experience not only impacts you, but also your children.It is understandable that you would be overwhelmed as the stress you experience may trigger depleting emotions. Author, Victor Frankel advised others that in difficult situations that one cannot control, it is best to focus on controlling one's reactions to the situation. One way to approach this may be to think about the good that may emerge from the situation regardless of how tough it is."}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "That must be really hard for you to talk about and I'm sorry they're treating you this way. Sounds like there are some issues in regards to boundaries between you and your parents. It must be hard feeling like you have nowhere to go and feel the need to take it. Also sounds like there may be some other layers to your struggle like all living together and differing in parenting possibly from one generation to the next? One thing that could really benefit you is to learn how to establish more clear boundaries with them. This is much easier said than done and requires much efforts on your part. One technique that will help is learning how to use a communication technique called appropriate assertiveness. It's basically learning how to voice your concerns in a clear, concise way without being aggressive. It's a technique that can take some time to learn how to use effectively and appropriately. There are many different books and research out there about establishing boundaries that will be of benefit to you. Moreover, it's important to keep in mind that things might get worse before they get better, as with most changes in family systems."}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "Hello, I am sorry to hear about you feeling verbally abused, trapped without an escape, and emotionally drained. Sounds to me like you are being treated more like a child than an adult. It's time to learn about healthy boundaries and being treated like an adult. This process will take time, but beyond elevating your self-esteem and worth, you will be modeling to your children a healthy adult. Model to them an empowered, confident, and person that is worthy of respect.Please invest in yourself. Find yourself a therapist that encourages and empowers you to have a voice and not feel invisible. You'll be so glad you did!"}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I understand and sending you some protection and positive vibes to you Sometimes manifestations can or maybe a past life regression or even your blueprint could be causing this in this life time. Just so you understand it is not your fault. This is something they are dealing with and projecting. If you do not live with them it is time to do some energy work for protection and distant yourself. Your child does not need this kind of programming. When it starts place your hand on your heart chakra visualize a mirror stay calm do not get angry so they don't steal your energy. Silence is golden. Have the child away from them. If it gets dangerous ask them kindly to leave. Tell them that you would appreciate that they do not speak to you or your child and if it continues you will seek protection."}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "Honestly, you can't deal with it alone. It sounds like you need resources to physically escape first, that sounds like the immediate issue. Plus, you need a game plan for how you respond to your parents until you leave. You are real! You do know that, right? Like pinch yourself... did you feel that? You are a person, you have feelings, did you know that? How much longer do you want to feel this way? Let's find a way for you to get out and get healthy. You and your child need that! Please find someone who can help you to get the help you need, there are a bunch of therapists here, just waiting to help you, like really help you. The first step is to reach out, through a phone call and leave a VM if they don't pick up or emailing them to schedule a session. Hope this is helpful!"}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "All you can do/control is work on yourself. When you have enough sense of self, you will know how to deal with your family. Therapy is an investment in yourself, which affects your family."}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry this is happening to you. One thought I have is for you to create a mantra or a soothing statement to say over and over to yourself as you are being bombarded with this negativity and abuse. For example you could say \"Living here is temporarily, one day I will have my own place\". Or you could say something like \"I am a good person, I am a good parent, and I always try to do the best I can\". Saying this over and over to yourself as you are listening to your parents will help you to tune out some of their words but it will also start to build more positive neural connections and start to wire your brain to build and/or strengthen your self esteem.Focus on the temporary nature of your situation, start making plans for leaving the situation. If you are under 18 and can't leave because you are in school, now is a good time to start planning for when you can leave. That when when the opportunity is available you know how you will get a job, how you will find an apartment, who will provide daycare. This will make the transition out of your parents home much easier and it will give you something to look forward to while you are in their home. Take care!"}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "Your situation is a difficult one, but I would encourage you to start considering how to set boundaries for yourself and your family members. Often, times we believe we have to allow a certain behavior because a person is family. This is not true. It sounds like you could use some help understanding finding your voice and asserting yourself with your family members."}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry you are experiencing this situation. Considering that you mentioned not having a place to go, it may be best to address the problem as oppose to just take all of it. Confrontation can be done in a healthy and effective way. Being able to communicate your feelings with the intent of improving the problem can be a great skill needed in multiple settings in life. The therapy process can help build this skill set and goal plan to remove yourself from the home. Good luck."}, {"questionTitle": "I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore", "questionText": "I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like Im trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?", "answerText": "When their verbal abuse starts, tell them you are exiting the conversation because the way they're talking to you is unacceptable.Explain you are willing to hear their point of view only not when it is expressed as abuse.They may not agree with your opinion and also may not want to change.Even if they do not change, you are entitled to be treated as a human being who is worthy of respect.Explain your reason to exit the conversation and ask them to write down their requests for you to consider."}, {"questionTitle": "If parents are divorced, is it acceptable for a counselor to allow an ex-spouse to be present during a childs session?", "questionText": "Can a counselor take sides with one parent and allow a parent to order the child to tell the counselor \"every detail\" about what happened during the other parents visitation in order to help build a case for child custody?", "answerText": "I see a few issues here:First, the age of the child is important. If the child is considered an \"adult\" by state law with regard to counseling (states differ on this - the range is typically between age 13 and age 18), no one is allowed to be in the session without the child's consent.Second, ethical and legal standards generally require that a counselor be in the role of a therapist, or in the role of an evaluator, but not both. This means that a counselor should not generally provide both counseling and offer an opinion regarding who should have custody of a child.Third, knowing the details of any parenting plan or separation agreement is important. Generally, either parent can consent to counseling for a minor child and can be present during the childs sessions. If a court order, parenting plan, or separation agreement specifies that one of the parents has sole decision making authority, then only that parent can consent to counseling for the minor child and only that parent can be present during the childs sessions.In a situation like this I would strongly recommend seeking out legal advice specific to your state law."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I feel guilty if my adult daughter cannot afford to go on a family vacation?", "questionText": "I have four children. One of them is in her 20s, and she cannot afford to go, nor can I pay for her. She went last year for two weeks by herself.", "answerText": "I imagine you are trying to figure out a way to be \"fair\" to your adult kids. The key word is \"adult\". If your daughter can afford to join the family for a vacation that's great, she's welcome to come. However, as you pointed out she took a vacation by herself last year - she chose to put her resources (time off work and money) into doing that. Good for her - she did what she wanted. If she wants to budget time and money for a family vacation she will.As for feeling guilty, let me echo the sentiments already offered - vacations are lovely, but not a survival need. Your girl is in her 20s and it's her turn to provide for herself. You did your parenting - now go enjoy your vacation with whoever can, and wants to, join you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I feel guilty if my adult daughter cannot afford to go on a family vacation?", "questionText": "I have four children. One of them is in her 20s, and she cannot afford to go, nor can I pay for her. She went last year for two weeks by herself.", "answerText": "Of what do you feel you'd be guilty?Family vacations are not a basic human right to existence. They are fun, ideally. You're not violating a basic human right. You wrote that you don't have enough money to pay for her to come along.You may find yourself feeling more guilty toward yourself if you give more than you reasonably can afford to give.My suggestion is to tell your daughter your reason for not taking her along. Maybe this will open more dialogue between the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "If my kids come back from their dad's and act like they are afraid they will get hit, should I be worried about him abusing them?", "questionText": "When they come home from their dad's and I fuss at them for anything, they move like they are dodging being hit. They say theyre sorry over and over really fast. I ask and they say no one has hit them, and I've seen no marks. Am I being paranoid or am I right to be?", "answerText": "This sounds frightening and overwhelming, and Im glad you are reaching out for help. I cant say for sure your children are being abused but I can understand your suspicion since there appears to be a change your childrens behavior. I think it would be important for you to keep an eye on the situation Incase you notice any other changes. If you become more concerned, even suspicions of child abuse are reportable to Family protective services. If they feel it is necessary they can do an investigation. You are doing the biggest thing for your children by being there for them and supporting them."}, {"questionTitle": "If my kids come back from their dad's and act like they are afraid they will get hit, should I be worried about him abusing them?", "questionText": "When they come home from their dad's and I fuss at them for anything, they move like they are dodging being hit. They say theyre sorry over and over really fast. I ask and they say no one has hit them, and I've seen no marks. Am I being paranoid or am I right to be?", "answerText": "I agree w your theory about your kids behaving fearfully means theyve been w someone who created this feeling in them.Its possible the father threatens and intimidates, and stops himself from following through w physically harming them.Approach the father the way you feel has the greatest chance of you knowing more.Sometimes indirect questions, like asking how the kids behave around him, how does he generally handle this, are better than do you hit them?"}, {"questionTitle": "If my kids come back from their dad's and act like they are afraid they will get hit, should I be worried about him abusing them?", "questionText": "When they come home from their dad's and I fuss at them for anything, they move like they are dodging being hit. They say theyre sorry over and over really fast. I ask and they say no one has hit them, and I've seen no marks. Am I being paranoid or am I right to be?", "answerText": "It sounds like your children are walking on eggshells, and behaving in a manner that suggests that (at minimum) they may be receiving an undue amount of anger from someone in their lives. In addition to addressing this delicately with your children's father, it would be wise to speak with your children's teachers and pediatrician as well. Please closely monitor the situation, and express to your children that they can always come to you with any information, and they will never be in trouble for confiding in you."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "Depending on your daughters age, this could be a learning disability. I suggest contacting the school counselor and asking for an evaluation, once she is evaluated and depending on the diagnosis, she could be provided with treatment recommendations like occupational therapy, reading glasses, or assistance in class. These and more accommodations are enforced under the 504 act. Consider if the observations that you have done are affecting her performance in school only, or also in other settings. Observe her behavior and or her emotions and see if they change as well. Discuss these with your daughters counselor as well.Tiene mi hija un desorden mental?Mi hija est en la escuela elemental. Ella no puede colorear dentro de la lnea. Mezcla las palabras cuando escribe, a menos que tenga grandes espacios, o brinca las lneas.Dependiendo de la edad de tu hija esto puede ser un problema de aprendizaje. Te sugiero que contactes al consejero escolar y solicites una evaluacin, dependiendo de la diagnosis, ellos pueden recomendar tratamientos como: terapia ocupacional, lentes para leer o asistencia en clase. Estos acomodos son provistos bajo la acta 504. Considera si las observaciones que has hecho afectan el desempeo de tu hija en la escuela, o en otras reas, tambin observa su conducta y emociones y reprtaselo al consejero escolar."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "At times when a child is not displaying milestone behavior at the same rate that is average for their peers, this should raise concern, so you are correct in reaching out for advice. Speaking with your child's pediatrician, as well as school staff may be the first places to start. You can request that she receive an assessment and evaluation, with a subsequent treatment plan to meet any needs she may have."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "Kids develop in different ways and different speeds. It can sometimes feel like your kid has a delay because of these different ways of development. If you have concerns about your childs development then addressing it with the school is the best solution. They will be able to provide a full assessment if needed with an academic diagnosis as well as academic support."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "Contact your daughters school and ask for an occupational therapy evaluation. An occupational therapist can determine if your daughter struggles with eye-hand coordination, visual processing or sensory motor difficulties. The therapist will develop a plan of care if your daughter demonstrates delays or difficulties in learning.OTontheGo.org mobile therapy that comes to you! Accepting most insurance."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "Developmentally, there are ages where not coloring in the lines, writing words that are jumbled together, and leaving big spaces or skipping lines are completely normal. I have seen children in 3rd and insome cases, 4th grade who do not have learning disabilities write in the manner you have described.There is, however, a type of learning disability called Dysgraphia which can present in the ways you have described. If you suspect that your daughter might have Dysgraphia, then the best thing to do is to have educational testing done. You can request testing by going through your school system and asking for an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan) meeting. Your school is required to honor your request for an IEP meeting.At the meeting, you can ask the school to do educational testing that will be at no cost to you. I will say that depending on where you live and your school system, it can sometimes be difficult to get the school system to do testing. If that is the case, you can go to a psychologist or find an agency near you that can also perform this type of testing as well (some will accept insurance and others will not.) There are also educational advocates that you can hire to help you if you ever have difficulty getting your daughter properly assessed by the school system. I also highly recommend seeing a developmental ophthalmologistand/or a developmental pediatrician. They can be great resourcesin helping you to determine if your daughter does have a learning disability.I always say that a parent should \"trust their gut\" and if you feel that your child is struggling and that there may be a learning disability then there is no harm in getting your child evaluated. The best case scenariois that your child is completely on track and what you are seeing is developmentally appropriate. On the other hand, if your child does have a learning disability, then you have caught it early enough where she can receive services that will help her in the long run. Either way, it is a win, win."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "It sounds like it might be worth asking the school for an evaluation to determine whether your daughter has any learning disabilities such as dysgraphia or dyslexia or seek an evaluation through an educational neuropsychologist. I would also suggest having her vision checked by a developmental optometrist."}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "If your daughter is the same age as most of the other students in her class, and the other students easily complete the tasks you list here, then there is a problem in the performance of these tasks for your daughter.Without knowing more about the context of your daughter's life, for example, is she a new student to the school and class, are there major stressors in the home environment, does your daughter have friends, does your daughter have the same problems she has in school, when she is in other environments?Also, who is telling you she has these problems? Are you the one who notices what you describe here or is your daughter or is her teacher telling you these facts?Depending on your answers to the questions, start to get clarity with the classroom teacher and the school guidance counselor as to the source of your daughter's problem.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "There could be a number of things going on here. For instance, have her eyes been checked by an optometrist? She might just not like writing or coloring. She could be rushing through assignments so that she can spend time with friends, play games, or do something else. She might need some extra help with fine motor skills. What are her grades like? Does she rush through other things like cleaning her room or getting ready for bed?"}, {"questionTitle": "Does my daughter have a mental disability?", "questionText": "My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.", "answerText": "It's hard to tell from the information that you were able to provide here, but talk with her elementary school a guidance counselor. Someone working with the school (usually a school psychologist) should be able to evaluate her to see if she needs extra help and to tell you more clearly what may be happening."}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter isn't acting her age", "questionText": "My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?", "answerText": "This is certainly an important issue tolook into, It is always helpful to speak with the child's pediatrician since they are most familiar with the child'sdevelopmental history. Also, children tend to regress behaviorally when facing events and interactions they feel to have no control over, this can be as simple as a loss of a pet, a recent move, death in the family, and/or as serious as sexual abuse, and other things. If you have not spoken to the school that can be a good starting point."}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter isn't acting her age", "questionText": "My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?", "answerText": "Your daughter is fortunate to have an observant parent, who is willing to seek out help in this regard.Regression can be indicative of some stress in your child's life, so the issues she is facing should be examined.Seeking advice from your daughter's pediatrician, as well as a practitioner familiar with adolescent issues or perhaps play therapy can equip you with insight into the causes of the behavior, and give you tools to assist your daughter in learning age appropriate social interactions."}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter isn't acting her age", "questionText": "My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?", "answerText": "Good for you to know your daughter's friendship circles and to notice when these have changed.While friendships are key relationships, they are not the only indicator of someone not developing normally.Is your observation and opinion that your daughter isn't normal based on other factors or just this one?If this is the only factor then start with reflecting on what circumstances may be influencing your daughter to socialize with younger kids.Has she ben ostracized or bullied by her peers and may be retreating to avoid further emotional hurt?Is she keeping up with her school work?Sometimes kids who feel overwhelmed by schoolwork will regress into conditions in which they feel more success and control.Are there family circumstances such as the death of someone with whom your daughter felt close? Or, is there a new younger sibling in the family or a younger sibling who due to their own circumstance receives more attention than your daughter may wish for herself.Once you've reflected on which areas may be affecting your daughter, gently ask her some questions about her comfort with what you theorize may be the source of the problem.Its also possible that offering her your extra time and interest may increase her sense of self so that she feels secure enough to increase her social time with her age group."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I discipline a child with autism?", "questionText": "I am a counselor at day camp where we have a child with severe autism. We try to keep him entertained by carrying cards around for when he starts acting up so we can get him to focus on something else. The day camp administrator has told us not to yell at him because he will zone out and not listen, so we just talk in a calm voice. However, other kids see the treatment as unfair.", "answerText": "Behavioral interaction with someone who has severe autism requires highly specialized training, both for any professional staff involved with the person and for the family members.It is an unfair situation for both the person who has autism as well as the campers who do not, to expect both sides to get along harmoniously.In order to achieve this, the campers would need specialized training to know how to respond to distress in the camper who has autism.This would obviously stretch and burden the summer camp budget as well as provide an activity which usually isn't part of summer camp for children.What you can do which may be productive in helping the camper who has autism, is to point out the interaction difficulty to the summer administrators.Ultimately it is their problem to only take campers who are able to reasonably adjust to socializing together and from what you write, the administration has overreached whom they consider reasonable camper mates."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my son succeed in life when he refuses it?", "questionText": "When my son was a teenager, we sent him to live with his dad because of the constant disrespectful attitude. A week after he graduated, his dad made him leave because of the same issues. All four parents tried to talk to him, and he just refuses help all around. He is now living with his grandparents. He had a job, and took steps to get his license and an insured vehicle. I thought he was heading down the right road, and then he tells me he quit his job because he didnt like it. I just dont know what to do.", "answerText": "Probably the best way to be supportive of your son is to tell him what bothers you about the way he's handling himself.If you'd like him to work with your suggestions then before you make critical comments be sure to validate his strong points and to recognize his natural talents.People are much more likely to take advice if the person feels the criticism is spoken by someone who respects them and isn't only critical of them.Offer your availability to talk with him if you genuinely feel available to speak with him in a non-judgmental way."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my son succeed in life when he refuses it?", "questionText": "When my son was a teenager, we sent him to live with his dad because of the constant disrespectful attitude. A week after he graduated, his dad made him leave because of the same issues. All four parents tried to talk to him, and he just refuses help all around. He is now living with his grandparents. He had a job, and took steps to get his license and an insured vehicle. I thought he was heading down the right road, and then he tells me he quit his job because he didnt like it. I just dont know what to do.", "answerText": "I admire your efforts. You can continue to offer assistance for your son, but it is ultimately up to him to decide what to do with the information or ideas that you are giving to him.One thing you might try is to ask questions in a way that enables you to learn more about what he is experiencing. For example, if he is willing to talk to you about what he does on a daily basis and/or what he would like to be doing, you may be able to get a sense of what he finds difficult and find some resources to help.I might ask things like this (just as examples):Can we talk for a few minutes about some things that I would like to learn more about?I'm just looking to learn more about what has been happening for you recently and I'm not trying to make you do anything.I know you said you quit your job because you didn't like it. Could you tell me more about what you liked and what you didn't like?Do you see yourself doing the same kind of job in the future?What is it that makes you happy or what is it that you look forward to doing?Can you think of anything that I can do to be of support to you?If he is interested, you may be able to connect him with an area community college to learn more about possible job opportunities.With the way that I wrote the questions above, it probably sounds like it's relatively easy. In reality, it may not be an easy conversation and your son may choose not to discuss it with you. If that's the case, I'd remind yourself that you are trying to do everything you can."}, {"questionTitle": "I lied to my mom, then felt bad and told her the truth", "questionText": "She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?", "answerText": "You felt bad when you lied, so you told the truth. I imagine your mom was really shocked and upset - both of those things tell me you are a pretty honest person. It's possible that your mom had a big reaction simply because she has learned that her child, from whom she always assumed honesty, was capable of being dishonest. That's not awesome, but it's not the end of the world. You made a mistake - you'll make more of those in your life, just try not to make the same ones over and over again.It sounds like you and your mom are close so I can see why it would feel so awful to have her distrust you. Since you are a fundamentally honest person, the way back to being trusted is going to be simple, but may take a little time. The \"recipe\" is easy - say what you are doing/going to do; do only that unless change is necessary, in which case you inform others involved, and repeat.And cut yourself some slack. Your mom will recover and so will you. It's an important and painful lesson about integrity, but once learned it will serve you well."}, {"questionTitle": "I lied to my mom, then felt bad and told her the truth", "questionText": "She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like you've already learned that just being honest is often the best approach.What do you think about telling your mom how you're feeling? She might really appreciate it if you also let her know that regaining her trust is really important to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I lied to my mom, then felt bad and told her the truth", "questionText": "She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?", "answerText": "Hey! Sounds like the part of you that knows the RIGHT thing to do won here! I am so proud of you for admitting that you lied to your Mom! Sometimes lies come out of our mouths before we can even catch them because we are trying to say what the other person wants to hear. I bet that, as you begin to show her that you are not going to lie any more, she will begin to gain trust in you again! Be open with your feelings with you Mom - she is there to support you, guide you and love you! Give her lots of hugs - and give yourself one too for being so brave! Be Wise!"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know what to do about my son's lying", "questionText": "My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?", "answerText": "A lot depends on the age of your child, but given that it was a mis-used debit card, I am going to guess he's a teen? Assuming that, there are a couple of important things to keep in mind...1. That he lied about the misuse indicates he knows he was in the wrong. That's a dreadful feeling - getting caught out- and an impulsive lie may have popped out of his mouth before he thought it through (after all a debit spend is pretty easy to track).2. Once he lied he stuck with the lie. Somewhere along the line, even though he knew that you knew he wasn't telling the truth, he stuck with his story. And as you said, it's not the first time he lied. Now it looks like a habit has formed.Going forward, when there is a dishonest act of any kind, it's essential that you set it up so your son can be truthful. Simply put, do not ask questions. If you know for certain that he has, for example, misused your debit card, say so. Asking \"did you\" invites him to get creative with denial; asking \"why did you\" implies that, with a good enough reason, he might not be in hot water with you. Instead, say what is: \"I see this charge on my debit card and realize you used it without my permission\". (You can only do this if you know for sure it was him but it sounds like you do).If he meets with denial, stay calm, restate that you are aware this happened. Then deliver consequences that match the transgression (he has to return the item if it's returnable or find a way to pay you back for the charge as well as any fees incurred in using it). Make it harder to find your card because he isn't that great at curbing the impulse to use it yet.And most importantly, once the consequence is delivered you have to let it go. Continuing to bring it up won't benefit him, but it does have the potential to make him more sneaky. Every time he asks respectfully to use it, whether you allow him to or not, be sure to praise him for asking nicely. \"Catch\" him doing it right as often as possible.Hang in there - this isn't super unusual behavior but it isn't acceptable, so address it but don't let yourself get too wound up about it."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm concerned about my 12 year old daughter", "questionText": "I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter. About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly. Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help.", "answerText": "It is great that you are noticing these changes with your daughter. I cant offer advice without knowing much more about your particular situation but some things to think about:Has something else happen recently that has been stressful, upsetting?Is your daughter trying to communicate something to you and if so what might that be?Have you discussed these recent changes with her? (Without being too serious or accusatory)There is so much changing for her (and you) now-communication and connection are crucial.I hope you both can talk to a supportive person about all these changes."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm concerned about my 12 year old daughter", "questionText": "I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter. About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly. Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help.", "answerText": "Have you asked your daughter why she's doing the behaviors you describe?Often the best way to find out why someone does something is to simply ask them their reason.Her answer will give you some guidance as to next possible steps.If she's pretending to be a fantasy figure or trying to find out how being taller feels, or walking on high heels or some other image then knowing this rules out that she has some unbearable pain in her arch which may require more practical answers such as new shoes or even indicate a medical problem.Ask if she's noticed any change in the way she walks. Maybe she doesn't know she's doing this and maybe she feels embarrassed to tell you she's doing something a bit odd.Since usually 12 year olds don't color, is it new that she started coloring?Maybe given the fact of messy handwriting, she's in a phase of pretending or reflecting on good times as a young child.Then this becomes the topic of examination.Does she feel insecure about being on the cusp of adolescence?Some of these questions can be asked directly and some are for you to first decide based on what you know of your daughter, which questions and what direction to take in understanding your daughter's motivation."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to dislike one child?", "questionText": "I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?", "answerText": "This is your experience, your feeling and you are wondering if it is normal, which means is this common or the rule.This question about how you feel about your third child leads me to believe you are dis- turbed [etymology: agitated or stirred up]. Feelings are messages from our soul or spirit that something is not right. So, though it might be normal [common, the rule] to look forward to a one year olds nap time when you have a three year old a nine year old, the dis- turbance or stirring up in you,is important and requires your attention, your listening, if you will to your higher self."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to dislike one child?", "questionText": "I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?", "answerText": "This is a common response parents can have. There are many reasons for attachment disruption. But attachment is important for the child as well as your long term relationship with them. I would want to know more about the history of the child and any stressors you have gone through during the child's lifetime. Often if there is stress parents will not have the time or energy to attach well to the child. Sometimes the energy of the child and the parent are mismatched as well. But whatever is at the core this is something that can be addressed in counseling. The earlier the better because adult relationships are based on parental relationships we had as children. Therapy can start at age 3 to address these types of issues. Visit staceybshapiro.com for more information about getting started."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to dislike one child?", "questionText": "I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?", "answerText": "Congrats on being honest about the way you feel!Many people state having a favorite child so the reverse would also be possible, of having a least favorite child.Try to understand your own reasons for not liking your youngest child as much as the others.One point to consider is whether it is the child' personality or the way they interact with you which gives you the feeling of not liking this child as much as the others, or does the reason have more to do with younger children requiring more care?Also, do you generally prefer older kids to younger ones? It is possible the problem will go away as your youngest grows older.Is there another parent in the household who can make up for what you feel unable to naturally give to your youngest?Is it possible you feel your own need to be involved with activities or to have time on your own? Maybe you simply need a break from constant mothering.Continue to give as much as possible to your youngest child."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?", "questionText": "She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.", "answerText": "Well, first let's identify what factors are involved in the situation about which you wrote.Are you the only decision maker regarding your stepdaughter living with you?Is her dad, and your partner, living under the same roof?Would you feel any obligation to consult with your husband about his opinion and his way of handling the situation?Have you talked with your stepdaughter about your observation and your reaction to the fact of her not honoring your boundaries?Consider too that there will be an effect on the toddler, your grandchild, if you kick out your daughter.Is your daughter financially ready to live on her own and support herself and her child?You certainly have the right to define the terms of what goes on under your roof.It is only fair to everyone that as many variables as possible, be considered.The conclusion may be that it is in everyone's best interest for your stepdaughter to move out.If everyone feels respected and a well thought out plan is developed, then the least amount of hurt and stress, and the most amount of happiness, will be possible from this change."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?", "questionText": "She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.", "answerText": "This is something you will have to discuss with your husband. It should be a joint decision if you value your marriage. You can mention your frustration about your stepdaughter not honoring boundaries. After you talk to your husband you both can have a talk with your stepdaughter about expectations in order to stay living in the house. When it comes to stepchildren you need to be very careful you do not take the lead on the authority part. It should be the biological parent."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?", "questionText": "She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.", "answerText": "It may be helpful to first have a discussion about what you are expecting and put a timeframe on it that if she is not doing certain things by a certain date, she will have to leave. If you don't know where she can go, there is probably a list of shelters for the county that you live in."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I address my nephew's sexual behavior?", "questionText": "My step nephew, a preteen, has begun masturbating. I also had to take away the internet because he was caught looking up porn. Im worried about him.", "answerText": "Your nephew's behavior sounds normal and developmentally appropriate. Masturbation is a healthy expression of sexuality. Most families to create some rules about where it's ok to masturbate-- for example, stating that it should be done in the privacy of the child's own room. I'm wondering if you or another adult in his life have talked to him about his developing sexuality? It seems like that would help him and you handle his increasing maturity."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my 5 year old from horrible tantrums caused by a bully at school?", "questionText": "We have tried gentle talking, counting to calm her and talking about it, sending her to her room and then trying to talk when shes calmer, and now calisthenics. However, nothing is working.", "answerText": "There's two things this post relays - one, which I'm sure you've already looked into - is working with the school to address this problem. Sure, sometimes kids don't get along, but most schools look at bullying seriously, and this sounds serious.The other, though, is additional tools to consider to help your daughter. If you haven't already read Greene's Explosive Child, you might give it a shot. While it's a little preachy, many of the tools are wonderful and can help parents navigate tantrums. https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451Another tool that can redirect a child that's losing it is a task. If her tantrums, say, involve throwing things, maybe she's in charge of throwing all the sticks and acorns off the driveway into the garbage bin. Ie: 'Hey Jenny, you seem really angry right now, let's use all that energy and get some work done!' Go with her, throw with her, even - if possible - making a game out of getting the acorns into the bin from a distance.I wish you all the best~"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel stuck in life. What can I do?", "questionText": "I am in my 30s with 2 kids and no job and I'm behind on the bills. I've been trying everything with no results. I feel like everyone else puts their needs in front on mine. I give intil it hurts and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my babies I've been struggling for 5 yrs in a relationship with no communication and no alone time. How can I get some support?", "answerText": "Financial stability is probably a good place to start your new life project.If your partner doesn't work or doesn't contribute his money to the household bills, then maybe you are eligible for some type of stipend from the government.Especially since you have kids the child welfare service may intervene to help you. Sometimes too, a partner who is unwilling to pay for their kids' wellbeing may be pressured by child welfare to make regular contributions to you and your kids.I''m glad you are thinking of your needs and those of your kids. This is the philosophy which will show you what road to follow so all three of you are in a secure financial place."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel stuck in life. What can I do?", "questionText": "I am in my 30s with 2 kids and no job and I'm behind on the bills. I've been trying everything with no results. I feel like everyone else puts their needs in front on mine. I give intil it hurts and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my babies I've been struggling for 5 yrs in a relationship with no communication and no alone time. How can I get some support?", "answerText": "I would want to know where do you put your needs? Often times we show people how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves. First identify how to practice good self care which can only happen when you are authentic and real about your needs and desires. You cannot pour from an empty cup and must take find the time to explore your purpose in life. It may be helpful to seek out additional support to work on your intrapersonal relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do if my 7 year old says she want to kill herself?", "questionText": "My daughter was overly tired and throwing a fit at her grandparent's house. She wanted to come home at midnight and cried screamed said she said she hated her grandma and that she wanted to kill herself! We also have a new baby in the house i didn't know if this would contribute to this. How should I approach this?", "answerText": "You wrote a very full family context w many directions to examine.Do you know or can you find out what the grandma and your daughter were doing in the evening of the screaming episode?Is it possible the grandma abuses your daughter, or tells her scary stories, watches scary movies. These are only suggestions of some problem between grandma and your daughter.Also, ask your daughter directly why she wants to kill herself and what' killing herself\" means. Seven year olds don't have a concept of death being a forever condition. Seven year olds don't have a sense of future meaning besides liking/disliking them. Maybe the new baby is a factor. Do you feel this is a factor? Trust your intuition to tell you if your daughter is resentful of your new baby.Even if she is, I doubt a seven year old has the capacity to connect current unhappiness with the intention of a future action, including suicide."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the long term effects of losing one's adopted mother?", "questionText": "The birth mother attempted suicide several times while pregnant. The adopted mother was terminally ill upon adopting the baby and died when the child was just over one year old. The adopted father then remarried to a physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive woman. The child was placed in foster care at 11 years old. What might be the long term effects on an adult with this childhood history?", "answerText": "The true answer is, \"no one can really say with certainty\".The variables are the way this child absorbs and adjusts to these significant changes in their life. All anyone can do is guess at this point and there's no good reason to guess.The only general certainty is that the adult whom this child becomes will have had a profound encounter with the biggest types of human losses a child can go through.Some people become great teachers, therapists and philosophers who have this background. Some give up on life and hide away from others.The best anyone could do who knows this child is to offer love bc this is the greatest guarantee to show there are good people on this earth."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it healthy to embarrass a child as punishment?", "questionText": "My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment.", "answerText": "Parents are to teach discipline tochildren, not punishment. Punishment is another word for wanting to cause hurt. There is a different in discipline and punishment.Punishment could have long term affects on a child's self image and growth. It can lead to others issues such as bullying from peers as well. Whatever your grandson has done, there is a much better way of getting him to understand that his actions are not acceptable. Punishment is not one them. Encourage the step-mother to build a positive relationship with him, this way he will learn to respect and trust her. His actions would improve. She may need to attend a parenting class for blended families."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it healthy to embarrass a child as punishment?", "questionText": "My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment.", "answerText": "Absolutely not!It is never in a child's best interest to use humiliation as punishment. This can lead to issues in the relationship between parent and child as well as the child's social relationships. Kids have a hard enough time. To then go and cause them embarrassment is unconscionable.The entire job of a parent is to prepare their child to become a successful, healthy adult. You do this by using healthy ways to teach a child when they make a mistake. Discipline shouldn't be seen as punishment. It should be seen as a way to teach a lesson. What lesson could this possibility be teaching him? Absolutely nothing.Meanwhile, she is most likely damaging her relationship with him and causing great distress in his school day and peer interactions.She should be one of the people he can come to when he's hurting; not someone who causes him pain."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell one parent I want to live with the other one?", "questionText": "I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?", "answerText": "Yes, from what you wrote, your dad doesn't accept responsibility for the way he feels and blames you for his feelings.I'm glad you recognize he's handling himself less as a grown person and more like a young child.I also understand your hurt and frustration that your father handles himself in a way which shows for now that he is unwilling to respect your wishes.Your decision is not surprising since most people wouldn't want to live with a parent who shows little interest to respect their kids' decisions.In terms of how to tell him your choice, do this in simple and most basic information terms. \"I've decided for now to live w mom\".I suggest to not offer reasons to him bc he doesn't seem interested in hearing them. Giving him reasons would likely trigger him to rebut them.If he asks questions, answer them as simply as possible.If and when you feel he is more willing to understand and know you, then you'd feel more free to have genuine dialogue with him.Right now he doesn't seem very ready to handle this."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell one parent I want to live with the other one?", "questionText": "I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?", "answerText": "There is a lot of information that needs to be filled in first.So what the custody arrangement? Does your dad have full custody? Is the custody shared?What does your mom think about the situation? Is she willing to go to bat for you?What is your age? Usually you have the right to choose based on age requirements set by the state.Legally you can't be kept away from your mom unless there is some legal complications that prevent it.Is your father abusive and should you seek protection?Many details need to be filled in.You can seek counseling without your parents approving or knowing, depending on your age.Find counseling through school or local agencies.You have rights and one of those is the right to choose."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my children blaming me for their addictions?", "questionText": "I have three children: a biological daughter, a stepdaughter, and a stepson. I found out my stepdaughter overdosed today. My daughter blames me. I told her to stay out of it. I'm scared of all three kids now. They all blame me for their choices they made. All three have drug addictions. I had a stroke in 2013 so I need to depend on people from now on.", "answerText": "Blaming others is one of our greatest coping mechanisms. It is not just for addiction, and often we blame the ones closest to us. You can not stop them from blaming you, you can stop yourself for taking on the burden. We are all in charge of the choices we make. No one makes us do something other than our self. We choose how we internalize and react to situations. I would find a good therapist who understands family dynamics and addiction to help you cope with your current environment and help you move forward."}, {"questionTitle": "I want help with how to deal with my abused daughter", "questionText": "She refuses to talk to me and told my mom (her grand mother) that she is remembering things from the past. I don't know what to do. My daughter blames me and swears she hates me. My parents say I should just let my daughter live with her dad, but I don't see how I could fix things if I only see her every other weekend. What should I do?", "answerText": "Sorry to hear about your high degree of stress.How old is your daughter?Who abused yours daughter?The answers make a difference to your decision.Obviously if the father was the abuser, then unless your ex demonstrates to you and you believe, he will not abuse her, your daughter should stay with you.If someone other than the father was the abuser and the father has a good relationship with your daughter, then it is possible that the time away from your household will give each of you time away from arguing with one another.What does your daughter tell you she wants?Her wishes must be considered too.Relationships can be fixed. Sometimes being apart helps this process because the two people each have time to reflect more deeply on what they value about the other."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with my daughter's rebellious behavior?", "questionText": "She's a teenager, and for the last two years, she's lived with her older brother. She's angry because she wants to come live with me, but my current living situation is not the best for her. She refuses to see any reason. She's being disrespectful. Her sexual curiosity is waking up.", "answerText": "You're her mom and she needs you. I would suggest focusing on connection. Since you are not currently living together, one way to do this would be to plan a date in which she gets to decide what you do together. Give her time to think about what she wants to do. As long as the activity is safe and affordable, try to do it, even if it's not your thing. While you are with her, turn off the phone and give her your undivided attention. The goal would be just for you to enjoy each other and connect."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I quit letting little things bother me and be the mom that my kids deserve?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "What you call \"little things\" may only seem little in general and to you are quite meaningful, either in fact or because the little things represent much more serious matters in your life.Take your own feelings seriously.Track the timeline of what is going on around the time you feel bothered by little things. Also notice how you're feeling around the time you're feeling bothered.These two indicators may show you patterns of when and to what you are especially sensitive.For example, if you usually feel bothered at the end of a pressured day then take care to arrange as far as possible, relatively unstimulated and quiet surroundings around this sensitive time.If your kids are of the age at which they have language skills, then you can also take some pressure off yourself and them by explaining your inner state of mind in general terms.People, including kids, always do better with more information than not knowing what is going on in their lives."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I quit letting little things bother me and be the mom that my kids deserve?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Well, my first question was whether these are truly little things or things you really think the attention.If they're really small things that you actually want to let go, try looking at it on a continuum of things that really get attention (or correction) and things that really don't and everywhere in between. Looking at this on a scale 1 to 10 or 1 to 100 may be helpful.Another thing to do is consider trying to look at the world through their eyes. You may have a better way of explaining things so that they learn from the correction that you try to give them rather than repeating yourself.Also recall that parenting working always have what they're looking for (permissive) is not usually helpful, just as the middle ground (authoritative) is better than very strict (authoritarian), according to most research.You could also consider coming up with some affirming phrases for yourself, such as \"it's okay for this to happen\" or \"I know they're not always going to get it right\" or \"I know that I can't always make them change overnight.\"This can be a really tricky balance to find and I recommend seeing a local mental health professional if increased awareness of different levels is not helpful to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I quit letting little things bother me and be the mom that my kids deserve?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Gratitude. Overly simplified, but that's the trick. When you can let in and celebrate the good stuff everything will start to find more balance. Our brains are fine tuned to focus on and highlight all the icky ugly stuff and file it away to try and avoid it in the future. We don't process the good stuff in the same way. It's left over from our ancestral days when we needed to survive the saber tooth tiger but it doesn't always work so well these days. Slowing down and being mindful of the little things, celebrating the tiniest details of what works...that's how you counter act that stuff. Check out my connectfulness.com/blog you may find some more tidbits there that help you shift gears."}, {"questionTitle": "Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction?", "questionText": "My husbands ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husbands ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has \"repented.\" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.", "answerText": "If the daughters are old & mature enough to understand substance abuse. They should be told for their own empowerment. KNOWLEDGE is their power of safety and protection."}, {"questionTitle": "Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction?", "questionText": "My husbands ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husbands ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has \"repented.\" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.", "answerText": "The information from the other therapists here is sound and prudent. There are what sounds to be real legal (is this man a RSO [registered sex offender]; is he prohibited from being in proximity to minors? use/possession of child porn violates any # of state and federal statues...) and safety issues at play here. Your husband's daughters have an immediate \"need to know\" and this can be done developmentally-contextual, factually and in a non-shaming fashion.I would further counsel that you and your husband (his daughters welfare is at stake) seek immediate legal counsel.The ex-wife here seems to be between a \"rock and a hard place\" of her own creation -- she desperately needs care, treatment for herself.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) http://www.missingkids.com/home; 2)https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/citizens-guide-us-federal-law-child-pornography"}, {"questionTitle": "Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction?", "questionText": "My husbands ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husbands ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has \"repented.\" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.", "answerText": "Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults.Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe.This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, \"repented\" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home."}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter won't stop stealing and lying", "questionText": "Her father and I have been dealing with this problem for quite some time now. She is an adolescent, and the problem is mostly food. She is now overweight, and we just don't know what to do anymore. She can be disrespectful and doesn't listen to or respect what we say.", "answerText": "I would be curious about there potentially being some emotional or physical trauma in your daughter's history that she is struggling with. Physical trauma is usually easier to identify, but emotional trauma can be feeling a lack of emotional connection in her important relationships, having experienced bullying, or some other emotional injury. The fact that there are some defiance symptoms going on suggests that she might be in need of a safe place to process what she's going through, and the potential issue with control or meeting emotional needs with food is also concerning. I would recommend looking for a therapist/counselor who works with children/adolescents in the area of addressing trauma for an assessment. They may be able to ask the right questions to see whether trauma is truly the issue."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it strange that a male family member always want to play with my toddler daughter?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Without knowing the male family member's reason for always wanting to play with your toddler, yes, it is strange.Find out if the person has a reason for his preference and what this is.Are they studying child development in school and observing your toddler in order to write a paper?Is your male family member very shy or doesn't care for the other people in the household and plays with your toddler as a way to avoid this?You don't have to ask this one, simply observe and add this to what you already know about the person.If no clear and respectable reason exists for your male family member's preference to play with your toddler, then I would definitely not allow the two of them to be alone together."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I improve my relationship with my daughter?", "questionText": "Me and my adult daughter just do not get along. She's very belittling to me when I don't agree with her. It's almost like she scolds me. We get into all out war. She's said I don't support her in what she does and that I've never loved her. She calls me horrible names, and she pushes my buttons to the point I call her names.", "answerText": "As frustrating and probably hurtful as your daughter's comments sound, there's also a message in them about how she genuinely feels.To some degree, your daughter and you may both feel similarly misunderstood by the other.Developing ways of listening and talking to one another to better understand how you each feel, would probably help a lot.One major point to be aware, is that the mother/daughter relationship dynamic, because it is strong, may slow the new dynamic of relating as two adults.Watch for your own tendency to expect your daughter to consider you as a parenting authority, instead of considering her as a grown person.The same is true of your daughter. She may need to remind herself to talk to you as the adult she is.Her needs from you are real, they just need to be spoken to you in an adult way."}, {"questionTitle": "Our grandson wants to talk to his estranged mom", "questionText": "We are the legal guardianship of our grandson. He has been acting out, and he wants to talk to his mom that has not talked to him since before last year. How are we to handle this?", "answerText": "Hi Boone, This depends a lot on his age and the situation. The younger the child is, in general, the more I would see this as your decision, not his. A child of any age should be listened to carefully about these matters, but just because a child has unresolved issues about a parent doesn't necessarily mean that having contact is a good solution.Some questions... Was the parent harmful to the child? Is the parent likely to be harmful to the child? How likely is it to be a positive experience? Do you have any contact with the parent? You may want to speak with the parent first to determine whether they are in a stable enough place to allow this to happen. I would start by asking the child more about what is on his mind. What does he want to get out of a visit with the parent? Is it to see them and know the parent is okay, to get an apology, to apologize for a perceived hurt, to have regular contact, to find out if they are loved...? What does he hope mom or dad might do or say in the visit? There are many possible goals this child might have in mind. This will give you a sense of what's missing for the child; what need are they trying to fill. Once you know the need, try to determine the likelihood of that need being met successfully through contact.Once you determine the risk of the child's need not being met, then you decide whether it makes sense. The older the child, the more able they are to determine this with you or for themselves.There are other options than a face-to-face. He can write to his mom or dad, text or email.It's likely that the child is looking for a sense that he is loved, wanted, worth some effort. When a child is separated from a parent, they tend to blame themselves. Whether he sees the parent or not, he will need extra love, attention and support than a child who has two loving, present parents. I wish him the best and I'm grateful for the love and support you continue to give your grandson. You're very special!"}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter calls me crazy, and Im not sure how to handle that", "questionText": "I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I dont deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. Im not sure how to handle this.", "answerText": "Hi, I understand what you're going through. Your daughters favor him because he has done no wrong in their eyes. Im guessing they lived with you? Growing up I was the same way.. I favoured my dad, thinking he has done no wrong. He also abused my mother multiple times, and that never came to mind. kids like their other parent more mainly because they don't see them everyday, and they usually buy them everything they want, because all he does it pay child support (by force) and then spoil their kids to make them happy. You seem like a great mom, don't doubt yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter calls me crazy, and Im not sure how to handle that", "questionText": "I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I dont deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. Im not sure how to handle this.", "answerText": "It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be \"choosing\" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like there is a wedge between my daughter and I", "questionText": "We live with my ex-partners sister and her husband. We have been there for five years now. They are Hispanic and talk to my daughter in their language. Sometimes they overstep their balance between aunt and uncle and reach into my role as a parent. They neglect to see this. I do, and it reflects in my child's behavior. She sees them as stable but is upset that her dad isn't here, and my intuition tells me she blames me to a degree because she doesn't know about his alcohol addictions.", "answerText": "Hi New York, I'm happy to hear that your daughter doesn't know about her dad's addictions. Although you don't say how old she is,and I imagine that at some point in her life she will be ready to know the truth, I trust your instinct that now is not the time. Your ability to have clear boundaries about what is adult conversation and what is suitable for a child to know are really important here, and I can tell you're being appropriately protective and a thoughtful parent. As much as this helps your daughter, I sense that you also know you can't take away the emotional pain that comes from having an absent parent. Children tend to blame themselves for a parent's absence. These children need extra love and support wherever they can get it.You say that you feel like there is a wedge between you and your daughter. I understand that having your ex partner's relatives in the same home would make it uncomfortable at times. It is very important to establish boundaries; only you should parent your daughter, but it's also natural for people to want to assist you. Let's trust that their intentions are good, if there is no evidence to the contrary. As much as they support you, they also have emotional ties to your daughter's father.While there is potential for discomfort in this complex situation, there are also many positive factors here that I invite you to see.I don't know what your culture is, but for your daughter to have the opportunity to preserve her father's heritage language and a relationship with his family are potentially wonderful additions to her life. In general, the more adults around loving and supporting a child, the better.It could be that you are feeling threatened by small moments where there appears to be a special connection between your daughter and her father's family. Nothing anyone else does can take your daughter's love from you. My hope for you is that you can feel so secure in your own position as loving mother that you will not feel intimidated by other positive connections your daughter has. They are potentially wonderful connections, and she deserves your support in maintaining those relationships if they don't harm her.I suggest that the most important alliances to work on here are between you and your ex's family. If you could all give your daughter the gift of a healthy, united supportive and loving safety net for her...that's the best outcome of all."}, {"questionTitle": "My brother's ex-girlfriend doesn't want her son to see us anymore", "questionText": "My brother just broke up with his girlfriend. While they were dating for the past two years, her son spent the weekends with me and my mother. Now she doesn't think her son should have any interaction with us. How should we approach the situation? Is she doing the right thing for her child?", "answerText": "Hi Tampa, I get that this is a loss for all of you; you have bonded with this child as a result of the significant time you have spent with him. He's a lucky boy to have had you all taking care of him. Certainly, it seems that his mother might not be making the best decision for her son; if you are willing to maintain the relationship, it would be good for him to still have that contact. In my book, the more people loving a child, the better.But, ultimately, she has the right to make these decisions. To oppose her won't likely do any good. You can focus on grieving this relationship and supporting your brother through his loss as well."}, {"questionTitle": "My mentally-ill mother-in-law wants to babysit", "questionText": "My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and shes on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boyhe is now in his late 30s. She doesnt even have custody of herself. She hasnt asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue?", "answerText": "Hi Fontana,Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that \"no\" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her.First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared.As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying \"but maybe later\". No need to apologize or hum and haw...\"We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the \"but\" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own.\"If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I take my daughter to therapy?", "questionText": "My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesnt want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?", "answerText": "Has the father or the visitation supervisor contacted you regarding why your daughter hasn't shown up for the past three years' worth of supervised visitation?Or is the supervised visitation a new development for the bio dad and your daughter?If no one is pressuring or expecting your daughter to show up, no one has even asked where she is, why she isn't present, then I don't see any reason for you to offer more effort by your daughter, than the father is willing to make for seeing her.If your daughter is willing to talk with a therapist, then let her find out first hand if the sessions seem useful or not.The one move I'd avoid is to force your daughter to go to a therapist since growing up in a household in which child abuse took place, being forced may remind her of her own feelings from this past, of feeling no one heard or cared about the way she wanted to be treated."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I take my daughter to therapy?", "questionText": "My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesnt want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?", "answerText": "Hi Dillon,I'm from Canada, so I don't know the laws in your state. It depends on that a good deal, perhaps.In my opinion, a child should never be forced into a situation where they feel unsafe, even if it is \"supervised\". If the child is old enough to make a strong statement about not wanting to see a parent, then this should be honoured.Unfortunately, the laws don't always uphold a parent's right to do what is best for their child. I recommend you see a lawyer, who will advise you about how to proceed without putting yourself at risk of breaching custody agreements.If you feel your daughter can benefit from therapy, that is a separate question. Or is she already in therapy? A family therapist will typically meet with you alone first, in order to determine if therapy is a wise move for your child. It isn't always appropriate."}, {"questionTitle": "I can't leave my negative environment without leaving behind my fianc", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been in a relationship for two years. We have an infant son. My fianc also has a child from a previous relationship. We do not live together. I live with my mother currently while I get on my feet, and he's living with some friends. My mother and I have an awful relationship that is completely unbearable most of the time. We cannot even stand to be around one another while living in the same house. She has made it clear that she wants me gone. Recently, I was talking to my father who lives in a different state. My father and I have always had a good relationship. I explained to him the situation I am in with my mother, and he said he would like for me, my fianc, and our son to come live with him and his wife. I would really love to go. I do not want my son to be in this environment with constant arguing and negativity any longer. There is nowhere else for me to stay while remaining in this state. The problem is my fianc is refusing to move away with me because he does not want to leave behind his other child. He and his child's mother have a horrible relationship, and she would absolutely not be willing to let him visit if we moved away. I believe I would be doing what is best for my child by moving away, but I do not want to leave without my fianc. I have already explained the situation to him, and he will not give in. Do I continue to stay in this negative environment with my child and keep our family together? Do I move away with my child and have my relationship end? I do not want to take him out of either of his kids lives. What do I do?", "answerText": "Hi Bethlehem,You have a big decision to make. I appreciate your fianc's need to stay close to his child and be a stand-up dad, and I am glad that you know your son needs an emotionally safe place.I'm a bit confused, because the obvious answer seems to be that you and your fianc would get your own place together.I get that you want your dad to take care of all of you, but maybe it's time to take responsibility for your own future and start building it independently of either parent. I say that without knowing how old you are, but if you have a child and a two year relationship, you basically have declared your independence anyway.I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "My child urinated in his mother's drink", "questionText": "Just wondering if this is a deviant act, and if I should be concerned for him. He isnt quite 10.", "answerText": "Well it's certainly unusual, and potentially could be cause for alarm. It's a passive aggressive act if done intentionally, so I would wonder if this child is trying to say something.I think without any context, however, or sense of whether there are other signs of disturbance, it's impossible to say what's going on. If there are other signs of distress or very unusual behaviours, you might bring the child to someone who can assess him properly."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I leave my boyfriend?", "questionText": "My boyfriend has a child he gets every other weekend. He goes to see her twice a week or more. Every time she leaves, he gets into these funks like when his mom died. When shes here, shes disrespectful, and his answer is Well, I dont know what to tell you. She swears and talks back, and he laughs. He and her mom have been apart for three years, and he blames her behavior on that and her being so young. We never have adult time when shes not here. Shes the \"golden child,\" and he wont listen to anyone.", "answerText": "Hi Lockport, Building a relationship when there are already children involved is very tricky. You don't tell us whether you live together or not. If you do, your position is perhaps more difficult, because his daughter's behaviours affect you; you live in the home.A bottom line for me is you don't tell someone else how to parent. That's for your boyfriend to decide. When he's there, he's the parent, and he makes the decisions about how she is disciplined (or not). Even if you have good ideas or you completely disagree, or you think you see something that he's not seeing, it's simply not for you to interfere there.It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling emotionally and needs support. He has had a lot of losses in his life and maybe every time his daughter leaves he feels powerless and abandoned. Do you talk about these things? Can you find that line of supporting him but not telling him what to do?Although I suggest you leave the parenting to him, what you can do is tell him what you see, offer suggestions if he's open to it, and talk about the ways in which the situation affects you. It makes sense to say \"I see you struggling and I don't know how to help\", \"I've noticed that you seem afraid to discipline her. Are you aware that it's coming across this way? Do you need help?\", or \"I feel sad and frustrated when we don't spend any time alone together.\"You sound a bit resentful of his daughter. Is it possible that your real struggle is about whether you're ready to be in a relationship with a man whose priority is his child?You have a voice, and it's great to offer support and ideas and let him know how you feel. Ultimately, however, you are wise to accept this man as who he is and accept the situation for what it is, and make your own decision about whether you want to be a part of it. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I tell my kids that Santa is real after their dad told them he is not?", "questionText": "My ex-husband told my two adolescents that Santa doesn't exist on the day before Christmas. They are desperate to hold on to the magic of Christmas, but I don't know if it's right for me to lie to them and tell them that Santa is real. I don't want to let them down and make them lose out on those memories, but I also don't want to lose their trust.", "answerText": "Well Boise, the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it? I love that you want to help your kids keep the magic of Christmas. They must want that too if they still believe in Santa into their teen years, which is unusual, I believe. I wonder if they had already figured it out anyway?But they know now, and your ex had the right to tell them if he felt it was best. So it's time to explain to them what a loving and magical thing it is that parents do, and Christmas can still be magical in so many ways. Really, who says they have to stop believing in Santa? Santa is very real as a spirit of surprise, generosity and love."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my kids get along?", "questionText": "For the last year, my adolescent son and daughter have been driving me nuts with fighting. I'm at my wits end. How can I get them to stop and get along?", "answerText": "That is a good question. Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one. Kids fight for different reasons - wanting attention, wanting respect, feeling jealous, wanting space and to be left alone, or a whole bunch of other reasons. Regardless of the underlying motivations for fighting, most conflicts result from misunderstandings and assumptions about the motivations of others and one of the best ways to start figuring out what is going on is to sit them down and have some conversations with them.These conversations should be centred on getting a better understanding of why they are angry with each other and really understanding them. It is important that they each know that you are committed to understanding their experience rather than simply sitting them down and lecturing them about what they are doing wrong. The more they are able to understand each other and feel understood the more likely they will be cooperative and considerate of each other.One exercise for doing this that can be very helpful is \"active listening\" where one person speaks and the other person reflects back what they heard the other person say and then checks for understanding. This is hard to do but it often illuminates where the misunderstandings and assumptions are. If this doesn't work it may be time to get a family therapist or counsellor involved who can help facilitate dialogue and resolve conflict."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my toddler with toilet training when he gags every time he sees his poop?", "questionText": "My toddler is having a real hard time with toilet training. He almost throws up every time he sees his poop. He gags and will not go on the toilet. We have tried a toilet chair and ring that goes on the big-boy toilet, but he refuses to use it. When he sits on the toilet, he just sits there forever and only will pee. He holds the poop in until he get up and then will poop in his diaper. I dump his diaper in the toilet and let him know that it is where it goes to try to encourage him. How can I help him get over this fear and passed the stress?", "answerText": "Your son is showing signs that he's just not ready to be toilet trained. You don't say how old he is, so I'm not sure whether the problem is deeper, but right his fears may reflect that right now he is simply be not ready to take that step. Pushing him at this point could worsen the problem, so I suggest pulling back the expectations, waiting a month or two, looking for more signs of readiness and trying again. In general, teaching children to use the toilet works best when \"mistakes\" are handled calmly and when parents pay close attention to cues that the child is responding positively."}, {"questionTitle": "My parents aren't letting my boyfriend and I talk or see each other while I'm pregnant", "questionText": "Im a senior high school student. Im also five months pregnant. I got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. My parents dont want us to communicate with each other. He cant even come to visit my gynecologist. My mom goes to attend all of my doctors appointments. Shes supportive of me. I wish, though, that my boyfriend was next to me and be able to see his daughter on a sonogram, at the very least. My family does not understand that he deserves that much. I cry all the time because I feel lost and hopeless. I need guidance and I believe that you can give it to me. Am I wrong for wanting him around? Are they right for keeping him away from the appointments and not letting us communicate with each other even though we are the parents? I do everything that they ask of me. I just want him to be around. When I ask my parents to let him be here, they call me a selfish person. Please help me.", "answerText": "You're not wrong for wanting to be with your boyfriend of three years who is also the biological father of your child.Do your parents object to you and your boyfriend continuing to see each other in person? Or, do they object only to electronic communication and don't want him involved in his child's life?Ask your parents what their reason is for forbidding you to communicate with your boyfriend. Ask them also to understand your point of view.Now is also a good time for you and your boyfriend to plan whether and where you will live as a family and how to financially and emotionally support one another once your baby is born.Your mom and dad are definitely making fatherhood difficult for your boyfriend and motherhood stressful for you.Consider bringing up the topic during your next obgyn visit. Your doctor may ask your mom to explain her reasons and address these.Look online for women's resources to see if there are clinics or agencies that would help you advocate for your position in this matter.Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, labor and delivery!"}, {"questionTitle": "My husband is harsh towards our son and threatened me", "questionText": "Tonight, my husband seemed to put our son down through an incorrect approach. His approach was perfectly wrong. I found myself defending my son. I told him that what he did was not the way to encourage our son. Instead of watching my husbands harsh behavior I decided to sit beside my son and, together, we worked on his science assignment in order to encourage him to study. My husband got upset and he was swearing at me. He threatened me. I knew that he was not joking. His words scared me a lot!", "answerText": "I have had these many cases, but in situations like this.... If it does get out of hand, the police do need to be involved. Sit down and talk to your husband when he is calm and collective."}, {"questionTitle": "I am bipolar and have been absolutely angry for over the last year at my daughter", "questionText": "She was raised by her abusive father and his wife. 30 years ago I shot and killed my rapist and was convicted in Louisiana. I lost custody of my daughter and served 5 years. When I was released, she was 5 and didn't remember me. Many many sad memories came from my having to leave her visit after visit, having to leave her in Texas to travel back to Louisiana. She doesn't remember that. I do. Over the years, I thought we had developed a close mother daughter relationship. She gave me good reason to doubt that on several occasions but especially last year. I have been cruel to her verbally and to my son who I met years after giving him up for adoption. Last night, I was angry at the world and afraid of God. I drank and cussed out a maintenance worker for not doing his job 4 months running. Now I'm not only feeling guilty for that but afraid of being evicted now. Help.", "answerText": "Was either parent abusive or violent toward you?You sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in life.One point to consider is to strive for moderation in what you offer in relationships.A lot of what you've lived through is extreme, either as victim or perpetrator.If you imagine that apologizing to the custodian for the way spoke to him, would calm him down, do so.At the very least, you'll be actively resolving your guilt over cussing at him, and fear of his retaliation."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to get back with my kid's mother and be a family again", "questionText": "I regret ever hurting her and they mean the world to me. But it feels like nothing I do seem to work. I'll always love them no matter what and when I'm with them nothing else matters. I love them more then anything. I don't want another guy raising my kids.", "answerText": "How you you expressed your regret and taken responsibility for the pain thus far? Repair is a very essential skill in and part of developing healthy relationships. Your love sounds deep, sit with that. Also sit with how she's been hurt. You get to feel your hurt too and your kids. In feeling all this you may also find our way to the repair. If feeling all this is tough to take on, seek out a local therapist to support your process."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop my step child from hurting my biological child?", "questionText": "What makes my step child, an 8 year old boy, choke my daughter, a 6 year old girl? This has been going on for 4 years. The boy tells my daughter not to tell on him. He knows it's wrong; we have did time out, spanking, taking away toys, and sitting on the wall. I am afraid for my daughters safety!", "answerText": "I can see why you are alarmed. That is a scary situation for a parent. Do you know if the child has been evaluated by a mental health professional? Early treatment is often the key. A professional will be able to help the child learn how to control their anger and mend the troublesome actions into more appropriate responses.Have you addressed your concerns with the child's other parent? There could be contributing factors in his life that could be causing these issues (exposure to violence, sexual/physical abuse, drug use, stressful events in his life, etc.). It is important that these factors are identified so that they can either be eliminated and/or reduced.I wouldn't hesitate to have him evaluated (if he hasn't been already) and to ensure that he is getting the help that he needs whether it be medication and/or therapy. Until then, I would make sure that he is always supervised under an adult's care."}, {"questionTitle": "How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself?", "questionText": "I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness.", "answerText": "Hi Cerritos,This is an interesting twist because it's more common for the person in your position to want to move forward, and for the person who was wronged to struggle with forgiveness. You are lucky to have a loving, compassionate partner, and your boyfriend is lucky to have a partner who takes full responsibility for their actions.My hunch is that you learned some things about yourself when you were younger that are playing a role here. Your sense of worthlessness seems out of proportion to the mistakes you made. You don't have to be perfect in order to deserve the love of a good man. You only have to have the maturity to recognise when you've hurt someone and work hard to make it better. Who in your life overreacted to small mistakes you made? Were you shamed as a child? Did you learn that you deserved to be punished? Did something bad happen that you thought was your fault? Is there a mistake you made long ago that you need forgiveness for? There is a younger person inside you waiting to be forgiven for something they weren't entirely responsible for. The bar is too high for you. If I was your therapist, I would work with you to find the source of the shame, and address that wound.If you want to move forward and be with your boyfriend, your job will be to forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean \"it was okay\"; forgiving simply means that it happened, that you can't erase it, and that you don't want to carry it around or punish yourself for it anymore.You have done many things here that you can feel proud of! You've 'come clean', you've been honest, you've taken responsibility for your actions, you've not tried to minimize what you did, and you've chosen to be more loyal and aware of how you impact your boyfriend. These are all things you can use to build your sense of worth. You are acting very honourably. It's time to put your past mistakes away on the shelf knowing that you've learned from them and are a better person now. It's not our mistakes...not our worst moments that define us...it's how we handle them afterwards.I wish you growth and happiness."}, {"questionTitle": "How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself?", "questionText": "I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness.", "answerText": "So wonderful to have a boyfriend who is able to understand and forgive you. What do you think that he sees in you that allows him to do that? Does he see someone who like other humans makes mistakes? Does he see someone who despite hurtful choices is a good person committed to being a loving respectful partner? The compassion and understanding that we can often extend to others can be difficult to extend to ourselves.We often hold very unrealistic and perfectionist expectations for ourselves which may even lead to our poor choices in the first place - as a ways of letting off steam or rebelling against our high standards. Regardless of the reasons, we all make mistakes and imperfection does not make someone less loveable - it just makes them human. If your boyfriend is able to start clean with you, there must be a reason.What you do from here on out will define the kind of partner you are to him. Can you treat him with the kind of respect that you would want? Can you help him to feel loved and safe in the relationship? Can you allow yourself to be imperfect and afraid and still worthy of love and acceptance. When you are feeling ashamed of your behaviours - try to imagine extending that scared part of you the same love and acceptance that you might extend to other people who have made mistakes. It is not easy to forgive ourselves but it is important in order to allow ourselves to be loved and to truly love others."}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "Sending you positive vibes Self Esteem is your new goal. I have a program that is amazing tool to start. And with talk therapy you could move forward to get to the \"Claim It\" moment also. Getting to know You! Til then. Here is a tip. Coloring. Adult coloring books. I have a popular one if you are an upcoming Goddess. Or any outlet like a Gratitude Journal. If you are interested in some worksheets to get you started contact me. And if you want more self help for Self Esteem please check out this BOOK"}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "You are valid and you are enough, starting to actually believe that within yourself will be key! Releasing the thought that you are unworthy will be crucial also! What are some activities, hobbies, crafts, talents you have? Remind yourself that you have great qualities. Do not allow others' opinions of you to penetrate your psyche. Often what others say is about them more so than about us. What lights you up, excites you? What brings you joy? Do more of those things.Where did the thought or the feeling of hating yourself physically and emotionally begin?Here is a helpful videoWhere Does Self-Esteem Come From"}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "I think it would be helpful to process these emotions with a professional. You may find it helpful to discuss what it is you feel, where these emotions and thoughts may come from, and start looking into what ay be helpful in improving the way you think of and speak to yourself. One way many professionals do this is through the process of developing self-compassion."}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "One of the ways that can help you practice acceptance of self is by using self-compassion. Researcher, Kristin Neff recommends that taking a daily self-compassion break can be beneficial in that it can transform harboring feelings of isolation such as those hating yourself , to an experience of connection. A self-compassion break consists of placing your hand over your heart and acknowledging that you are having a difficult time believing in yourself but that you recognize you are not alone as suffering is ubiquitous so you are connecting with the rest of humanity. You can then say encouraging words to yourself either silently or out loud such as \"May I be led every day to recognize my strengths and to love myself\" or \"May I find peace within myself and strengthen my self-belief.\" Apart from self-compassion, I would encourage you to keep a self-esteem journal in order to engage in expressive writing and write about your strengths so that you can start to build self-acceptance."}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "Sometimes we can be our own toughest critic. Acceptance starts first with acknowledging the things that you currently do well, positive qualities, etc. Spend time with those in your life who are supportive of you. Ask them to also contribute to your list of positive qualities. Acknowledge those qualities as often as you can. Next start small with the things youd like to see differently. Identify a small step you can start that will contribute in shifting how you view your physical and emotional self. Ex.) Identify a hobby that brings you joy."}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "You've already taken the first step. You want to not hate yourself. Self-acceptance is hard! And it's on a spectrum. On one side we have self-hate, on the other extreme; self-love. And then, there is all this stuff in the middle. It kind of looks like thisAnd working toward self-love often means moving around through all these. Becoming aware of your emotions, exploring the parts of you you that easier and harder to accept, self-kindness, self-forgiveness, self-compassion and ultimately self-love. It is a recovery process and has to be an active thing each day. Meeting with a counselor can give you a partner in that process. Your counselor can also help you to recognize pieces that may be more difficult to see from your eyes as they have an outside view. And with self-acceptance, confidence comes naturally although you may need to practice behaviors that show assertiveness, confidence and boundaries that protect you. Wishing you the absolute best with this!"}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "Self-doubt and self-hatred are such common and unpleasant experiences and really worth understanding! Therapy with the right person can really help. When in your life do you feel the most confident? What gets in the way of you accepting and loving yourself (big question!). You can and will uncover that confident self!"}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "Self love and self acceptance is something that many of my clients struggle with, so I can assure you that you are not alone. We are bombarded by media and advertisements everyday that try to sell us things to make us somehow better, thus leading us to believe that we are not enough. Unfortunately, I believe that low self esteem is a social epidemic.On a more personal level, do you have any sense of what types of messages you have received in your life that have led to these self defeating thoughts? For example, did a parent or another loved one criticize you or put you down often? Were you bulled in school? Has a romantic partner emotionally abused you? Usually, there are factors such as these which insidiously lead to low self esteem and self loathing. Once you can identify some of the factors that lead to your self hatred, you can make a decision to not let these things from your past have such power over you any more. You learn to take control of how you feel about yourself, rather than letting others dictate that for you.I do think it is possible to heal from self hatred. It doesn't happen over night, and it takes time and effort. It is about re-training your brain to focus on your strengths rather than on your weaknesses. None of us are ever going to be perfect, and if we look for a flaw we are bound to find one (or two, or three...). Try keeping a self esteem journal. Every night, write down three things that you were proud of that day about yourself. Try reciting positive affirmations every day (such as \"I am lovable and beautiful just the way that I am today\"), to re-program your mind into thinking highly of yourself, rather than poorly."}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "The most important word here is \"sometimes.\" I know it is quite painful, and I can imagine that at times this pain doesn't feel like it will subside. But it sounds like it is not all the time, which means we can easily say that this \"hate myself\" experience is one part of you. There are many other parts, if you give them some space to also \"speak up,\" that will offer you more positive regard, trust me on that. Generally speaking, we just don't know how to listen to those parts, because......it is the \"I hate myself\" part that is our inner critic. And often, our inner critic has developed a lot of strength throughout our life because of how we've depended on it for certain things. Sounds crazy, but in actuality, some of the most \"successful\" people, in work mainly, are those that have strong inner critics. They use these critics to motivate themselves, but with people, and in relationships, and in our relationship with ourselves, it completely backfires, because relationships are far more dynamic processes than \"doing well at work.\"So, try to acknowledge that the inner critic is one part of you, that you've learned to give a lot of space to. But, if you sit with even a remotely positive feeling you have, it can also be given the space to speak up and grow, just like the critic has over time."}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "The answer would require a more in-depth knowledge of you and your situation.A lot of times, these feelings are the result of the people in your life treating you a certain way. You internalize it and accept it as your reality.The first step is to evaluate the people close to you, especially your parents. Even if you are an adult, think back to your childhood. Children who grow up in an unstable home often grow up to be adults with insecurities and emotional problems. The obvious, such as being abused, can certainly lead to a person having little to no confidence and self esteem, but there are other situations that might surprise you to hear they can be damaging to a person.You may have never been physically or sexually abused, but what about emotionally? Were you yelled at, berated, put down? Were you told you'd never amount to anything? Were you compared to siblings and felt like you always fell short, couldn't live up to expectations? When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it.Maybe you weren't yelled at. Maybe it was the opposite. Studies show that children who grow up with a parent who is depressed show signs of emotional neglect. A chronically depressed mother, for example, may have seemed cold, detached, emotionless. She may have been less likely to show interest in a child's life, not give praise for accomplishments or show support by going to ballgames or performances.If one of your family members were chronically ill while you were growing up, chances are, a lot of the attention went to them, which could have led to your needs not being met.Any of these situations could cause a person to grow up feeling unimportant, unheard, unloved, or like they don't matter.Maybe nothing I've described here fits your situation. If you can't pinpoint what has caused you to feel this way on your own, a counselor can help.I am not saying \"blame it on your parents\" or telling you there's nothing you can do to change it! Quite the opposite! Understanding WHY you feel that way is a first step towards making the changes needed to feel better. Cognitive behavior therapy focuses on cognition - figure out the WHY. Then behavior - the HOW."}, {"questionTitle": "I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself", "questionText": "I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?", "answerText": "This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with \"never being good enough?\"", "questionText": "I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?", "answerText": "The feeling of never feeling good enough usually stems from our early relationship with ourparents or significant role models who made us to feel we were never good enough to meet their standards. In the healing process, you'll need to work on discovering the root source of where these thoughts and feelings come from and then learn to accept yourself just as you are unconditionally. I'd be pleased to help you in this process. I provide online private counseling through proventherapy.com. Dr. Rachelle Vaughan"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with \"never being good enough?\"", "questionText": "I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are aware of your positive traits but youare struggling with someone who does not acknowledge nor celebrate your efforts or achievements. It seems like that is affecting your inner voice, which allows you to accept yourself for who you are.My suggestion is to explore that relationshipand decide if that persons opinion should determine how you feel about yourself. If this is an important relationship, you could communicate to this person how the lack of positive feedback is affecting you. Then, work on spending more time with those who value you, and can give you praise, encouragement, and constructive criticism. Also, explore your religious beliefs, and what is they say about who you are as a person. Finally, explore with a Counselor your inner voice and try to figure out if the negative message is settling in and harming your self-esteem. Through therapy, you could learn to self-compassion and acceptance wich will help your self esteem.Cmo manejo el sentirme que no soy suficiente bueno?Siempre me dicen que no soy suficientemente bueno o no trato lo suficiente. Yo pongo el 100% en todo. Estoy agotado, he trabajado en todas mis relaciones, estoy muy bien en la escuela, trato bien a las personas que lo necesitan. Me aferro a mis creencias religiosas y dejo espacio para los errores, y aprendo de otros para no tener que cometer los mismos. Aun as no soy suficiente y nada de lo que hago funciona, me siento desesperanzado. Alguna idea o sugerencia?Al parecer estas consiente de tus caractersticas positivas, pero ests teniendo dificultad con alguien que no reconoce tus esfuerzos, ni logros, y eso est afectando esa voz interior que te permite aceptar quien eres.Mi sugerencia es que explores esa relacin y analices si la opinin de esta persona va a determinar cmo te valoras a ti mismo. Si es una relacin valiosa, puedes comunicarle a la persona en cuestin como te afecta la falta de comentarios y opiniones positivas. Luego enfcate en pasar ms tiempo con personas que te valoran, te dan halagos, te motivan y te aconsejan. Tambin explora que dice tu religin sobre quin eres como persona y cul es tu valor. Y por ltimo, explora con tu Consejero si ese mensaje negativo esta afectando tu autoestima. A travs de la terapia puedes aprender tecnicas auto compasin y aceptacin que ayudaran a fortalecerte."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with \"never being good enough?\"", "questionText": "I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?", "answerText": "Hi, I'm Amelia! Oh, this is a common problem, unfortunately! Let me say first of all, that doing more, giving more, loving more, performing more will never provide you with a sense of worth. Nor will it satisfy those that are critical and judgmental. I am so sorry to hear that this is what you've heard all your life! You are a human BEING not a human DOING.If you can get yourself in counseling with a trusted therapist who will accept you, encourage you, hear you and support you, you can begin to work on what truth worth is. My best to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my ex-boyfriend cheating on me?", "questionText": "It's been almost a year since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me after he cheated on me many times. I had found out about a month before, but I hadn't told him I knew because I didn't want us to break up. I used to have very low self-esteem, and I think it might have to do with my dad being an alcoholic. My father cheated on my mother when I was little. I wonder if this pain has to do with that. My ex-boyfriend and I were only dating for five months, but I still can't get over this betrayal. I'm not sure what to feel to get over it: forgiveness? Hate? He helped me financially after our break up by lending me $3000, so I'm grateful for that. I still hate him for what he did and still want him to like me although we're not even talking anymore. We follow each other on Instagram and that's it. I feel like I still need his validation. This is haunting me day and night. I want to focus on my new relationship and goals, but I keep obsessing over this and keep checking my ex-boyfriend's Instagram and Facebook. I feel so bad and keep having nightmares.", "answerText": "The dilemmas you present are giving you a great chance to understand your true reasons for being in a relationship.Continue developing some points you've written here.That you grew up sensing and/or witnessing your mom's emotional pain from your dad cheating on her, very likely set a standard in your inner self, to expect similar circumstances in your relationship life.This is a natural dynamic which happens for all of us. What we observe in our growing up households is what we understand as \"normal\", no matter how bad it actually is.After all, children don't have the ability to separate that what their own parents do, is wrong compared with the rest of our culture.It is natural to long for a relationship.What you have the chance to do now, is distinguish the reasons for your longing.Is it to attach to someone who has hurt you, hasn't shown you any understanding of having hurt you, and whose validation, even if he says validating words, has little meaning because people who validate are not the ones who harm us?If you're able to teach yourself that those who love us do not harm us, and to develop new expectations for yourself of feeling good from how your partner treats you, then you will be showing yourself a road that will benefit you for your entire lifetime."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I can never meet people's expectations?", "questionText": "I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have the perception that people are frequently disappointed in you, wish you were different or someone else, and ultimately reject you. One question I would have for you is what is your evidence that people feel this way? Is there anything in people's words or behaviors that gives you this impression? If your not sure, it may be useful for you to try to notice what people say and do in response to you, even though you perceive these attitudes within them. Additionally, working with a competent therapist may be a great way to get an answer to your question as well as developing ways to move forward with that answer and gain a sense of self-esteem and security in your relationships.One possibility that comes to mind, of which there may be more, is that as we grow up, we often develop relational templates, or sets of expectations about how people are and will relate to us, which influence our experiences and behavior in relationships. Sometimes the templates that we develop to stay connected growing up are not particularly adaptive for adult life and can hamper our self-esteem and capacity for comfortable intimacy as an adult. You ask a great question here, and one that can be very hard to see through, given the difficulty of feeling that people think of you in this way, and I hope that you will stay curious about this and consider working with a therapist who is trained to help you discover the answer."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I can never meet people's expectations?", "questionText": "I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.", "answerText": "It is not unusual to believe that we know what other people are thinking about and feeling towards us. These beliefs, which can sometimes be quite upsetting, are based on our own life experiences, including previous interactions with family, friends and strangers. No matter how good we think we are at \"reading\" others, we don't usually know what someone else is thinking. Additionally, low self-esteem may lead us to assume that we could never meet others' expectations or that other people couldn't possibly have positive thoughts about or feelings towards us. Assumptions like these may unnecessarily lead to negative emotional states.One method of coping with these thoughts is cultivating a sense of curiosity. For example, asking for direct feedback may point out the overly critical nature of our own thoughts. Another technique is to use a balanced self-appraisal.For example, you could ask yourself, \"What did I do well here and what would I do differently in the future?\" This approach has the benefit of recognizing our own strengths while also employing a growth mindset. Additionally, by using a present-focused appraisal, we avoid engaging in the belief that we should have done better in the past. Rather, we have the opportunity to improve with the information we learn in the present.A therapist may also be helpful in exploring and coping with these thoughts."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I can never meet people's expectations?", "questionText": "I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.", "answerText": "As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted. How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those. Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. Its mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole \"If you love them, let them go,\" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I cant break up with her. Im literally trapped.", "answerText": "Hi Fort Worth, I applaud your awareness and insight into the relationship. Most of us come into relationships carrying old baggage and although you can't change her, what you can do, is change yourself. We can usually begin to understand ourselves better in the context of our own upbringings. That is where we learn what a relationship looks like and it is often not the best teacher. I wonder about your jealously, insecurity, feeling trapped and a lack of trust. Has that ever showed up anywhere before? It has more to do with you and less to do with her. Your relationship with her is tapping into unresolved issues within yourself. That is really where you want to focus. Once you understand it and resolve it, you will no longer need to ask anyone else what to do, because you will know. You are young and just getting started in the relationship world and the healthier you are, the better you will know what healthy looks like. Know yourself, understand yourself and love yourself. The rest will take care of itself. Finding a Therapist can be a big help in this process. You are asking the question, so I suspect you are ready to look at the man in the mirror. I believe in you and am wishing you all the best.Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. Its mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole \"If you love them, let them go,\" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I cant break up with her. Im literally trapped.", "answerText": "It sounds like there are assumptions being made regarding how she feels about you and why she is with you. I would not suggest breaking up with her without first attempting to resolve your own issues. You may not only regret your decision, but might find that the exact same problem arises in future relationships. I would recommend seeing a therapist who can help you figure out what is at the root of all of this. By learning about your own insecurities and where they come from, you can expect to discover new ways of responding and relating to others, which will likely impact your relationship in a positive manner."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. Its mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole \"If you love them, let them go,\" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I cant break up with her. Im literally trapped.", "answerText": "Are you possibly mixing up an impulse to nurture and protect someone, such as by offering housing, and your own need to feel loved and appreciated as a romantic partner?Maybe your feeling of jealousy is really your awareness of a reasonable need to be loved by a partner.Even though you are quite detailed in your description of your partner, one piece which is missing, is whether you feel you are loved by her.Maybe too, what she considers your insecurity, is really her unwillgness to love you.It's always easier to put distance between two people by insulting them.I hope this gives you a few new ways to look at your situation.A few therapy sessions, either by yourself or together w your gf, would give you more chance to know more deeply what it is you are facing."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I failed myself", "questionText": "My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.", "answerText": "Hello!I write to respond to your recent inquiry for possible increase in self-esteem and positive behavioral change regarding motivation for a new job.First of all, please try to allow yourself some time for grief of the loss of your dear grandmother. It appears you were close to her in many ways and she had a great influence in your life. The grief process of anger, denial, despair and acceptance may be a part of what is keeping you feeling \"stuck\" in a cycle of not feeling motivated to find work at this time. Perhaps your mind is constantly fighting this grief? Death can be a \"traumatic\" experience for some people and is considered a great loss, thus the grief process may continue to be a part of your world for a time but hopefully not keep you \"stuck\" on a long-term basis. I would try to reach out to a counselor to discuss this grief process at a deeper level to discern whether her death is part of why you feel this way. Grief and loss can also have an effect on your self-esteem. Can you begin to see how this cycle is what you may be experiencing?One positive I see is that you are continuing to look for a new job! Take time to give yourself some credit for the time you are spending looking for work. Also, I would recommend you set some short-term goals first for example, make a list of 5-10 potential new employers and send them each your resume. Then followup the next week with an email or phone call to make sure the hiring manager or human resources received your resume and have any questions. It is also a good idea to ask for \"informational interviews\" in order to get your foot in the door, so to speak.I hope that this information is helpful to you! Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.Warmly,Denise"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I failed myself", "questionText": "My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.", "answerText": "Wow, you got hit with some serious stuff all at once. Work, relationships, and housing/security are major needs for us and to lose all that at once has got to affect you. When things go wrong, it is natural for us to look for blame----and the easiest person for us to blame is ourselves. Put that with grief and you've got a recipe for feeling awful. We can start feeling so low as to want to check out with things like food, and TV as you described. It can take time for us to move to self-forgiveness, and self-kindness in order to start moving forward again. I wonder what you can do right now to improve your situation? I also wonder if you may be willing to seek counseling to help you work through some of this, to help with your perspective, and to assist in your grieving process. Just reading these 3 sentences, I get the sense of you being a nice person. I hope you can show that kind of kindness to yourself in your healing."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I failed myself", "questionText": "My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.", "answerText": "Please practice being kind to yourself!! You lost your grandmother, your home and your job! Huge changes have just taken place and it would be challenging for anyone to be unfazed. And having said that, you wrote that you have been looking for a job, so that tells me that you have most definitely not failed yourself. Try taking it one day at a time. I encourage you to recognize (and even accept) that you're going through a particularly difficult time and that everything is temporary. When we are in something, it's difficult sometimes to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe you could allow yourself the grief that you are feeling, be in the tunnel, and trust that you will come through the tunnel to the other side. Be gentle and loving to yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I forgive myself for past mistakes?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Just like when you were in school, mistakes are opportunities to learn and refine ourselves. Someone wise once said, mistakes are our teachers. None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes at one time or another. Don't be hard on yourself, and find a way to practice self-acceptance. Fallibility is part of being human."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I forgive myself for past mistakes?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If it is so, then know your intentions were good and you wouldn't deliberately cause harm.Learn whatever lessons are possible from your mistakes. This is the best way to ensure you won't repeat the same ones."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get into a relationship with a girl?", "questionText": "All my friends have either hooked up or had a girlfriend but me. I try to be happy for them, but I get really upset every time they hook up.", "answerText": "If you mean hooked up as having sex with no care for the person, and youd like a girlfriend, then realize relationships require more complex alignment with a partner than being a sex buddy.Pay attention to all your feelings toward a girl so that youll approach someone who attracts you for reasons in addition to sexual allure.Also, the process of knowing someone takes much more time than only to sleep with someone.Have patience and kindness toward yourself while you get to know the qualities which attract you to a potential girlfriend."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?", "questionText": "I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.", "answerText": "Congrats on having a happiness problem.Go slowly and tell your partner how you feel as you discover how being loved feels.On a deep level youre releasing yourself from interaction patterns which treated you poorly and unkindly.Time is needed of repeated occurrences of this newfound loving behavior toward you.Gradually you will trust more and more that your new living relationship life is your reality."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?", "questionText": "I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.", "answerText": "You're in a lot of good company and it's great that you're in a positive relationship. Congratulations!I often hear people talk about loving yourself and self esteem. We often seem to blame ourselves for not \"loving ourselves\" enough or put ourselves down for having low self esteem. It seems to me that since we are essentially socially beings and in fact, need each other for our survival, we really know who we are through our many interactions with others and with our environment. In other words, you can't just snap your fingers and voila! now I love myself, where there was an empty space or self-doubt before. We grow that warm coal inside ourselves through the friction of contact with others who value and validate us. Allow yourself to be patient with yourself as you experience this new relationship. You are learning a new model of who you are and how you fit into the world. What a marvelous gift for you!You may also have fears that the current joys may be temporary or unreliable. These fears of loss may get in your way, however understandable. If you are truly close to your companion, you can share with her that you are loving your relationship but sometimes fear it will go away and sometimes have trouble really trusting it. Such a conversation may bring you both closer.Hang in there. You're working on co-creating a new normal with a great woman."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?", "questionText": "I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.", "answerText": "Hi! Thank you for your question. It's tough to be in a healthy and loving relationship when we believe we are not worth it. Quite often being in such a relationship is very uncomfortable as it goes against everything we believe about ourselves.First, I want to say you are very brave to open up yourself to the relationship with this wonderful woman you met.Second, I would like to invite you to treat yourself with compassion as you are entering this unknown territory for yourself. Doing something new and totally unfamiliar can be scary, so it's vital that you are kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that what you are doing is scary and uncomfortable and that it will take some time to get used to it.Don't judge yourself and force yourself to feel a certain way. It's important that you are patient with yourself and tolerant of your discomfort. With time, space, kindness, and tolerance your discomfort and fear will start to dissolve. Invite your new partner to also relate to your feelings in the open and compassionate way.The worst thing that you or your partner can do is to rush your feelings, pressure you to feel in a different way or to say that there is something wrong with you cause you feel a certain way. Please be gentle with yourself and celebrate and acknowledge every small victory. Every time you do something little, like holding hands or receive a compliment and it no longer scares you as it did a week ago - celebrate that progress!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?", "questionText": "I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.", "answerText": "This can be really anxiety-producing when you have not felt it before. It may be helpful to work through some of this with a local therapist so you can get more specific ideas.Some other things that come to my mind are maybe talking about spending about 10 minutes or so discussing how you are feeling and seeing if your partner is willing to listen. Then you could ask questions about how she would react if you were doing something she did not like. This allows you to react to information she is actually giving you rather than your perceptions that sound like they are different than what she is trying to tell you. This gives you the power to receive the messages that she is sending to you.I would also wonder where you have learned that there wasn't much good out there for you and how you can stay present in the moment when you are with your girlfriend and see that she wants to be there with you. Perhaps you could look at what makes you feel emotionally safe and trusting with her and focus on that. You could even remind yourself \"okay, I'm here with [name of girlfriend] and this is okay when I'm with her.\"We all have different levels of defenses in situations in which different people. It's common for people to see these things as black and white (either totally open or very self-protective. In reality, it's much more like a rainbow and the different shades of color that are available in the rainbow spectrum of white light (it's not really Just red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet that we all know, but an infinite spectrum of shades of colors that fade from one into the next). You can change your level of defensiveness with your girlfriend depending upon the location you are in, the mood you are both in, the subject, etc. There are infinite numbers of choices and you can experiment.Another thing that could help is to communicate about communication. If one of you uses a phrase that triggers something from earlier in your life or is really uncomfortable, you could discuss that. If she says certain things that make you feel really comfortable, you could discuss that as well.Hopefully you can learn more about yourselves and each other at the same time."}, {"questionTitle": "I weigh over 220 pounds and I am 16 years old", "questionText": "About 3 years ago or so I was skinny, but I was still ugly. I really do want to change that but I've tried 3 times. Now can I try but don't stop. At school I get bullied about my weight and my ugliness and I have been bullied my whole life that I believe them. How can I stop thinking about them and don't let it get in my head? My parents said I don't weight that much but, they do think I am fat but, they tell me I am not. I told my parents that I need to go to a therapist, but they think I am fine and I think they don't want to deal with it.", "answerText": "Hey! I am so impressed with your efforts to ask questions, to figure out how to change the messages that you hear (and say to yourself), and to get support! And it sounds like you want to make some changes in your life! Take a walk over to the counseling office at school, the school nurse or consider reaching out to your Pediatricians office. You dont have to have your parents permission to seek support for yourself! And maybe taking control of your support network will give you the strength to make even bigger decisions about your health! I am rooting for you! Be Wise!"}, {"questionTitle": "My relationship is suffering from severe abandonment issues", "questionText": "I feel as though I'm suffering severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. I convince myself I'm not worthy of happiness, and Im always afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's as if I create little scenarios in my mind, and I start to believe them.", "answerText": "This is an understandable response to early childhood trauma and loss. Oftentimes when we have overwhelming or difficult experiences as a child including poor caregiving, the ways we managed and the feelings we had then show up in our lives as adults. Especially when we get close to someone, it mirrors our early experiences with caregivers in early life. So....our body, nervous system, and emotions respond in the same way. They feel as if what we experienced when we were little is happening now and they go into full force to manage and protect us. Sometimes the ways that happens can feel pretty bad and we can stuck in these loops of old beliefs about ourselves. Therapy is a great way to interrupt these patterns, process the early experiences, and be able to be in the present with your current relationships. It is very possible to shift this cycle and also have meaningful healing from the experiences that caused so much hurt and distress from childhood."}, {"questionTitle": "My relationship is suffering from severe abandonment issues", "questionText": "I feel as though I'm suffering severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. I convince myself I'm not worthy of happiness, and Im always afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's as if I create little scenarios in my mind, and I start to believe them.", "answerText": "I would like to offer my compassion that you are struggling with with these feelings. With the information provided and not knowing what your childhood was like or what you've experienced, I will say that from my experience working with people, these feelings are normal, and a normal part of the process of healing and just by posting your question tells me you're aware and desire to change this. Very good! I commend your strength. Your feelings are not uncommon and the feelings of abandonment, or second guessing or loss of happiness are also not uncommon. It's also not uncommon for these issues to arise and trickle into our adult life and relationships.Again, with little information about your situation, it is hard to give an exact answer. However, those who have experienced a dysfunctional childhood or trauma, often present with the issues and feelings you've described. The great news, is that with good therapy, you can regain your happiness, self worth and begin to feel empowered, you deserve to be happy. Be patient, gentle and kind to yourself. I would encourage you to begin with searching for a licensed therapist in your area, maybe go for a consultation session and simply see how your feel about it. Therapy can be incredibly helpful and life changing. I wish you the very best!Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC"}, {"questionTitle": "My relationship is suffering from severe abandonment issues", "questionText": "I feel as though I'm suffering severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. I convince myself I'm not worthy of happiness, and Im always afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's as if I create little scenarios in my mind, and I start to believe them.", "answerText": "Im glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are experiencing is common for people who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma. When people experience trauma they develop a feeling of shame and start becoming self critical. Therapy can help regulate these thoughts and feelings of abandonment so they are not so overwhelming. Negative self talk can be extremely exhausting. You are already starting the healing process by becoming self aware and seeking help.Best wishesKatrina Whitehead MA LPCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I starting to not like myself?", "questionText": "For the past year, I have been feeling pressured to do well in school, and it put a ton of stress on me. I have been bullied for five years, and for some reason, it is now sinking in, and I can't stop it. For some other reason, I can't find a hobby I can see myself doing without thinking bad about myself.", "answerText": "You may have reached the natural end point of working very hard in school and putting up with bullies or not knowing how to step to the side of people who bully you.Both conditions you have been living under, pressure to perform well in school, and the tension of someone bullying you, are quite draining.Now is probably time to recuperate from your emotional ordeal.Hobbies may be a little too lighthearted and distracting from the more major task of grounding yourself in feeling secure and settled, especially after such arduous effort academically and socially.Let your natural self guide you.If right now you need to simply grow strong again, then allow this process to slowly develop.Eventually all on its own when the time is right, you will find a hobby.Now is your time to trust yourself to live the rhythms of your life."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I starting to not like myself?", "questionText": "For the past year, I have been feeling pressured to do well in school, and it put a ton of stress on me. I have been bullied for five years, and for some reason, it is now sinking in, and I can't stop it. For some other reason, I can't find a hobby I can see myself doing without thinking bad about myself.", "answerText": "Check out my latest blog on: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this provides a few nuggets of helpfulness to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I feel less self-conscious about my weight?", "questionText": "I'm a teenage girl, and I feel very bad about my weight. I don't know how to make it stop.", "answerText": "One way may be to take some sort of physical movement class in which you will be regarded by the teacher as one of the students, not the girl who weighs a certain amount.In a movement class such as pilates, yoga, aerobics, weights, dance, when the standard for clothing is somewhat fitted and shows more of our physical bodies than regular clothing, and to be considered as one of the students, not stigmatized for how much or how little you weigh, may help you be as accepting of yourself as the teacher is of you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I feel less self-conscious about my weight?", "questionText": "I'm a teenage girl, and I feel very bad about my weight. I don't know how to make it stop.", "answerText": "Have you spoken to your health care provider about your weight? You may not have a medical issue. A lot of times we try to have the \"perfect\" body when in reality we try to live up to social standards. Please set up a FREE consultation with me!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to like myself?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "For some people, it really is about \"learning\" to love and like yourself. Learning this often starts with understanding what gets in the way of you liking or loving yourself. And more often than not, it is the messages our brain sends that have an extremely powerful affect on how we view ourselves. The brain is very powerful in tricking us that we are ugly, or dumb, or not worthy, and so on. But what is amazing and beautiful, is that our brain has great capacity to be re-wired to no longer accept the negative messages but instead replace them with more realistic and more loving messages. Seeing a therapist/counselor can be a great resource to help you learn to fight those messages."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to love and like myself and what's in the mirror?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "For some people, it really is about \"learning\" to love and like yourself. Learning this often starts with understanding what gets in the way of you liking or loving yourself. And more often than not, it is the messages our brain sends that have an extremely powerful affect on how we view ourselves. The brain is very powerful in tricking us that we are ugly, or dumb, or not worthy, and so on. But what is amazing and beautiful, is that our brain has great capacity to be re-wired to no longer accept the negative messages but instead replace them with more realistic and more loving messages. Seeing a therapist/counselor can be a great resource to help you learn to fight those messages."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I learn to love and like myself and what's in the mirror?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I'll offer two tools to consider: a bar and a puzzle piece. (What?!) Most people compare themselves to others - ie: I'm not as good looking as Jaime, I'm not as cool as Corey~ the person you might do better to look at is you. What cool thing did I do today that I didn't do yesterday? how did I do my hair in that picture that made me feel a little bit better looking? Moving the bar away from others and towards yourself can be helpful in building self-esteem.Another tool that can be helpful is that puzzle piece: I can't think of anyone who loves everything about themselves: starting from the smallest part of yourself, what is one attribute you DO like about you? (Psychology has long recognized that it's far easier to come up with a list of dislikes than likes, especially when it comes to ourselves or our circumstances) Maybe you have really great toes. Maybe you have an infectious grin. Maybe you're really fantastic at 80's trivia. Build a list of those small things, those puzzle pieces of great things about you, and in time, you might find you like all of you. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "I also want to note that we, as a society, are especially judgemental about how women dress and present themselves. I am sorry that this boy said something insensitive. There is nothing shameful about your body and it was not your intention to \"display everything.\" It also wasn't his place to judge you.As women we are expected to be sexy in some situations and demure in others. Men don't have the same range of societal expectations to navigate. You didn't deserve his rudeness."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "First I think we have to acknowledge that you are doing something amazing. You are putting yourself out there and becoming a Water Safety Instructor. We often times will focus on the negative and forget about the positive. Next, you had an incident where someone pointed something out which may have caused embarrassment. Whether or not it was malicious on his part I think the important thing to focus on is what is called \"Common Humanity\". Common Humanity is one of the three elements of self-compassion. Common humanity essentially recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience. While you may have had this embarrassing moment at this time, that boy may have had an embarrassing moment another day. We all have embarrassing moments. When we recognize that we do not suffer in isolation then we are able to move past that suffering. Additionally another element to self-compassion is self-kindness. My question is why must you forgive yourself? Rather, be kind to yourself for learning an amazing new talent."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "As far as I can tell, you received unwanted attention, but you didn't do anything wrong. What did your instructor say? Anything? If the outfit was not appropriate then the instructor should tell you--If he/she didn't then assume the swimsuit was okay, but the gentleman in the class wanted your attention and took it upon himself to comment, in order to get that attention. If you don't want his attention then you have a couple of choices--wear a shirt over the swim top, find an inexpensive swim top to replace the one you have, or wear what you have as long as the instructor doesn't say anything, and if you get unwanted attention say in as confident, slightly loud, voice as you can muster. \"I don't appreciate your critique of what I'm wearing, we're here to take a class, let's just focus on that. Then, Turn on your heel and walk away."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "Everybody does something or a few things in their life which looking back, the person wishes they hadn't.The key to feeling better is to realize that as long as you learn something for the future from your mistake, then you will be doing all that any human being is capable of doing.Your mistake sounds genuine, not that you were deliberately trying to create a stir or harm yourself or anyone.Now that this student in your class pointed out your mistake, you will learn to notice the appearance of your swimwear.Put in context that feeling foolish for doing something embarrassing means that overall, you generally do most activity in your life, in non-foolish ways.The incident would only bother someone who generally is responsible. The mistake is a contrast with what is usual behavior for you.I hope you'll enjoy swimsuit shopping and find a beautiful bargain!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "Sometimes we make ourselves feel worse with our own thoughts about things we can't change. We know that it is possible to overcome embarrassment and self-blame, but why does it seem so difficult to overcome it sometimes? If you tune into your own thoughts, or your \"internal dialogue\", you'll notice that your thoughts are connected to your feelings. So people who are holding onto embarrassment and self-blame often have thoughts like, \"How could I do that?\", \"I looked so stupid!\" \"Now people saw things I did not want them to see!\" If we tune in more, we might notice we are thinking that this is terrible, horrible, and that we cannot deal with it. These are self-sabotaging thoughts that lead to shame, self-blame and embarrassment. If you look at the evidence, you can find more rational thoughts such as, \" We all make mistakes\", \"People can look all different ways at different time - this incident does not define me!\" and \"If someone has a bad image or thought about me, it is really OK! People have all kinds of thoughts about other people, and it does not have to be a major problem.\" When you practice your rational thoughts often and replace the negative ones, you will start to feel better, more confident and your embarrassment will decrease quickly."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you overcome an embarrassing mistake and forgive yourself?", "questionText": "I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.", "answerText": "First of all, congratulations to you on becoming a Water Safety Instructor.As far as how to forgive yourself, this is probably one of the toughest things that we ask of ourselves, no matter the subject. On the other hand, it sounds like the location of the mistake means that after you get through the class, you won't see the same people much longer, so hopefully the embarrassment will be temporary.As far as the class, maybe you can give yourself compassion for the idea that we all make mistakes and it certainly sounds like it wasn't intentional. I think we have all had a swimsuit shift in unwanted direction.Trying to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen again would probably be helpful, but it sounds like you are already doing that. Something else you could do is think of something you can say to yourself when someone says something embarrassing about that occurrence, such as \"it was an accident and I have fixed it now.\"You may find some helpful tips herehttp://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-past-mistakes-6-steps-forgiving/ or herehttp://psychcentral.com/lib/how-do-you-forgive-yourself/ . These are not meant to be resources related to religion, but it is mentioned in a few places."}, {"questionTitle": "I am very self conscious about my body", "questionText": "On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this?", "answerText": "I get how you feel; you wish your body looked different and you're embarrassed that you tried to make it look different and people may notice.You don't say how old you are. It's likely that, if you are young, your body will change as you mature, but in general, we're given the bodies we're given and I'm glad to see that there may be a desire in you to accept your body the way it is. You seem to want to stop disguising it. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and every woman knows how it feels to struggle with accepting what her's looks like. Many men go through this as well, although women are more often targeted with cultural messages about how we're supposed to look.Young people often believe that others are noticing and judging them. In fact, other people are far more preoccupied with who might be judging them than whatever's going on with you.I suggest you wear whatever bra you want to wear, and if someone is rude enough to comment on it, you can ignore them and talk about the weather or the latest pop song that you love and they'll get the hint. But my bet is they won't even notice. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I am very self conscious about my body", "questionText": "On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this?", "answerText": "Sometimes we let our insecurities get the best of us, causing us to make some interesting choices.Honesty is always the best policy, but honesty comes with risk. Perhaps you may want to start with your family first, explaining to them what you have done and why. Perhaps they can help you to practice talking about your insecurities with your friends.Another way is to start, slowly, to dress more and more like yourself and your true body shape. Some of your \"friends\" may make fun of you, true, but then you must ask yourself...why do you want to be friends with people like that?"}, {"questionTitle": "I am very self conscious about my body", "questionText": "On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this?", "answerText": "Wear baggy clothes to disguise the problem and if you do this for a long enough time, then your friends may forget what size boobs you have.Can you tell your parents what you wrote here? If yes, then maybe they will be empathetic and this always helps.They may also agree to not make any comments about your boobs when you wear the bigger bra around your friends when they visit you at home.Also, its possible your friends already have questioned why you wore a bigger bra than your boobs. Maybe they saw what was going on the whole time during the school year and felt too awkward to tell you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I become more self-confident in general?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Check out my latest blog: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I have low self-esteem and lack confidence?", "questionText": "I always need alcohol to feel better and use that as a excuse.", "answerText": "Check out my latest blog on: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I not hate myself?", "questionText": "I feel like I'm ugly, stupid, useless, and that I can't make anyone happy.", "answerText": "Check out my blog post on: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!"}, {"questionTitle": "I hate the way I look", "questionText": "I hate everything I see in the mirror. I don't like being in pictures and always scribble out my face. It's stressing me out. I don't trust my parents enough to tell them and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "This is so very common in this crazy looks-obsessed world! I meet so many beautiful people who can't see their beauty. Is there something getting in the way for you? Was there a time in your life when people teased you or told you something hurtful, or did something to you that made you feel ugly? If so, this can be addressed first. Sometimes stories are told about us when we're young and the best thing we can do is see the author's evil or careless intent and not take that on. A therapist can help you with this part.Once you've addressed any past barriers to feeling confident, you can focus on a few simple things. First, your thoughts. If you keep telling yourself that you don't like what you see, then you will never feel okay about your looks. Experiment with telling yourself something different. Look in the mirror and I dare you to find something that's lovely about your face. Focus on that. Describe what you see? If you were your own best friend, what would you say about your face? Eliminating those negative scripts and building new positive ones will help you feel more accepting of how you look. You can't change your face, but you can change your attitude towards your face. Confidence is the things that will make you beautiful!Accepting how you look is important. Without going to plastic surgery (the popularity of which is a testimony to how nuts this whole thing has become), you were born with that nose, those eyes, those lips. Accepting yourself and knowing it won't change is a good idea, because wishing it were different won't make it so!Looking good is also about minimizing flaws and building on your assets. Are you in a rut about hairstyle or makeup? Ask a good friend to give you a make-over. Play with your features and wardrobe. There are plenty of average looking people who know how to make themselves shine because they are creative!"}, {"questionTitle": "I hate the way I look", "questionText": "I hate everything I see in the mirror. I don't like being in pictures and always scribble out my face. It's stressing me out. I don't trust my parents enough to tell them and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Check out my latest blog: Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so nervous talking to people?", "questionText": "Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such.", "answerText": "Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because I think a lot of people have this same issue (to different degrees) and we don't talk about it much. You have some social anxiety that is a bit beyond what the average person might feel. Most people have some amount of worry about what others might think of them, and this probably prevents us from making complete fools of ourselves so that's a good thing. But your \"alarm system\" is out of whack and you are spending too much time worrying about how you come across. As you age you understand this more, and it's true...that other people really aren't thinking about you much or monitoring you at all; they're too busy having the same thoughts you're having! Am I good enough? Do people like me, judge me...think I'm weird? We're all concerned about how we come across far more than how others come across. Like many people, you lack compassion for yourself, acceptance of yourself and confidence in yourself.My gut says that these things came from somewhere in your past. Our sensitivities usually come from (as well as genetics) a specific time in our life when we experienced or felt something that was overwhelming and we end up with an alarm system that overreacts at times. Without more details, it's difficult to go further here. I recommend you see a therapist who does cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help you understand the roots of your fears and learn how to manage them more successfully."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so nervous talking to people?", "questionText": "Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such.", "answerText": "I want to add that one way therapy can help with social anxiety is to give you a corrective experience. Each week, you sit across from someone who genuinely cares about you, who doesn't judge you, and who you can voice your concerns to. Over time, you show them more and more of yourself, and as they get to know you, they still care about you, they still don't judge you, and they still think you are amazing. Find a therapist you connect with."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I become more open minded or less irritable and happier?", "questionText": "", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my roommate's drinking problem?", "questionText": "My roommate has had a drinking problem for a while. She goes out, gets trashed, and then expects everyone to take care of her. The next morning, she apologizes constantly until she feels validated. She also thinks everyone hates her all the time. If I don't seem anything other than happy, she asks me \"Do you hate me? You hate me. Tell me you love me,\" and I feel like I have to pity her because she has also been suicidal before.", "answerText": "It does sound like your roommate may have a drinking problem, and the short answer is that you can't do anything about it, only she can. We can't change what other people say, think, or do. We can only change our reactions. It does sound like your roommate may be having a hard time. You can suggest that she enter counseling or therapy. You can reassure her that you like her (if that's true), but you don't have to pity her."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get past the hurt of being told by various significant others that I wasn't good enough to have a baby with?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I'm not really sure what \"not good enough\" means. If multiple people have told you that, one thing to consider is that they each had their own reasons for not wanting a child at that moment. It is possible that it had nothing to do with you.Did any of these significant others say anything about what made them feel that way? I hope that you were able to talk about these ideas rather than them telling you what they thought and then not further discussing it.What qualities do you want to see in the partner that you want to have a baby with? What attributes do you have to give back to that relationship?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I care less about what people think?", "questionText": "I always feel the need to impress people, whether it's my family, the people at school, or just random people. I know that no matter what I do or how I change, there will always be some people who hate me. Why do I feel this way?", "answerText": "My first reaction to this is that It sounds like you rely alot on the impressions and projections of the outside world, that you need validation from other people to compensate for a lack of something on the inside, build yourself up on the inside, work on yourself, use positive affirmations daily, it would be wise for you to research some self-construct theory and do some self-concept work.Hope this helps,C"}, {"questionTitle": "i feel like i was born in the wrong body", "questionText": "I feel like I was born in the wrong body I feel like I should be a girl not a boy Ever since I was young, I have wanted to be a girl. I felt like what I was wasnt me. I want to know what I can do about it. My family is against transgender people and don't want anything to do with them. I want to be me. I feel as if I'll be happy then. I don't look in mirrors, and I don't like my reflection. Recently, I have been taking things to help even though they were not prescribed. I know I should have this handled by a professional.", "answerText": "Hi. Do you have any opportunity to work with a therapist? It sounds like it might be really great to explore these feelings. If you aren't able to, there are many awesome gender work books available that you could use to explore your thoughts and feelings. Also - google \"ask a gender therapist\" - so many amazing video blogs to answer many questions! Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do when I feel like I'm not using my potential?", "questionText": "I am in my mid 30s. I feel I have used only 5% of my potential. I am in film making, but everything is stuck. I've never had a serious relationship. I had worthless jobs. I do a lot of meditation to try to fix it.", "answerText": "Being stuck in life is difficult, especially when you are feeling it in many different areas of your life. So you if you are ready for a change... time to make one! Make a list of the resources in your area--community colleges, friends, free classes, volunteer opportunities etc. Make a list of your passions and absolute \"no way\" things in life. Make a 5 year plan... where do you want to be in 5 years... then start breaking it down ... what do I need to do this year to make it to next year. Break that down into months... check in with friends/families/co workers etc to see what they see in you both good and bad. Take a deep breath and choose 1 thing to work on to get better in life according to them. Seek out any free training/counseling on career changes and life changes. You already began this by asking this forum for help Awesome! Use the peace and calm you find in meditation to spring board you to make some changes in your behavior--try new things, change poor choices etc. Use the meditation to give you peace while you make the changes. Good Luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I forgive myself?", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Guilt is one of those things that nearly everyone has experienced at one time or another, and it can feel like a huge weight around your neck. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that we can give you some words of wisdom that will make it all go away. However, I will give you some ideas and hopefully this will help.One of the things that we know about guilt is that it doesn't usually do much to help us in the long-run. People may make changes for a short-term period of time because they feel guilty about something they did, but usually they will go back to their old behaviors if they don't have something else to help them change permanently, such as a new skill. So, guilt doesn't necessarily help us. In fact, as I write this someone out there is eating an entire key lime pie because they feel guilty about falling off their diet. Someone may be drinking alcohol because they feel guilty about drinking alcohol. For whatever reason, this is just a common thing that we do. Now accountability is different than guilt. Accountability can actually be constructive. When you hold yourself accountable you can admit that you have done something wrong. That it hurt others and you deeply regret it. That you are prepared to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.Thatyouhave done what you can to make amends, if necessary. That you are sorry. And then you move on. Why is moving on necessary? Well, for one thing, it doesn'tusuallyhelp the people who you hurt. In fact, someone's guilty behavior may serve to remind the people who were hurt, over and over again, about what happened. Guilt is usually 100% about us, and not about those we hurt. Also, guilt can lead us to behave in ways that may even hurt people more. Having said all of that, guilt is a normal human emotion. Sometimes we experience it for a while and it goes away. Sometimes we need help to work through it. There are many self-help books about forgiving yourself. You can try Amazon to find some, or consider getting help from a counselor. Be well,Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I forgive myself?", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "A lot of times it is not about forgiveness but learning from experiences. As an example, as a child we continously fall in an effort to learn how to walk. Then when we begin walking we know we have to put one foot in front of the other in order to move forward. Experiences allow us to grow, find a balance and what to do and what not to do in order to move forward. On the positive side you now know the consequences as for your actions not to take the same course. Forgiveness comes with time as you \"learn how to walk again.\""}, {"questionTitle": "How can I forgive myself?", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "Realize that you are human, not perfect and will make the wrong decisions at times. That is OK, we all have. However, the best way is to say OK, I did it, learned from it, will not do that again. EVER!!! You can get pass it; grow from it. Unfortunately, we forgive others faster than we do ourselves because we hold ourselves to higher standards or expected better behavior from ourselves. It can be embarrassing, hurtful, almost unforgiving at times. But how do you forgive yourself? Take a Deep Breathe..... and then acknowledge that you did something wrong, acknowledge it, and say to self, \"I forgive me\". Just like you would say to someone else. This starts the process of forgiving. Also ask yourself these questions: What lesson did I learn? What would I have done differently? What will be a trigger that will make me do that again, if I happened to be weak or tempted? Avoid or prepare for those triggers....Forgiving yourself will set you free from the prison you have put yourself in. You would start back living."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I forgive myself?", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "What a beautiful discussion of guilt and shame Lynda offers! Those two demons start out as pesky and little when we are young, then grow with us to become quite formidable. I'd like to throw in a technique I learned from Randy Rausch (author ofThe Last Lecture)called The 3-Step Apology. I teach this important bit of wisdom to my clients when they need to apologize to someone else but more importantly when they need to forgive themselves.Yes, when we have trouble forgiving ourselves we sometimes forget that there is part of us that just doesn't know how to apologize effectively. Here goes:Step One: Say what you did and the damage it caused.Step Two: Say you're sorry and accept full responsibility (no excuses, no explanation, no defensiveness: It was all my fault.)Step Three: Ask what you can do to repair the damage.Step Three is the one many of us didnt learn growing up. And when we add it to an apology, we are usually surprised that the penalty is as light as it is. Of course, sometimes the apology is not accepted and no way to atone is offered. So be it, we cant control this. But if we are apologizing to ourselves, we can. There is always a way to make amends if we put our heart into it. Give this a try the next time youre reluctant to let yourself off the hook. You might surprise yourself when how benevolent you can be when invited."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I forgive myself?", "questionText": "Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.", "answerText": "Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started.You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame?Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. Whenwas the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in \"I'm bad\", or\"I'm worthless\"? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, sexual abuse or some family loss or trauma.If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them?That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway).Once you take the layers of old \"I'm bad\" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day...I'm human and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect.I can have compassion for my mistakes.I can feel proud that I'm facing my mistake and making things right.I deserve forgiveness and compassion, and I have that for other people too.There's no purpose to holding on to shame.I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.Everyone makes mistakes.Other people don't want me to carry this shame around.I don't need shame to remind me not to do it again. I've figured that out.Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry \"it\" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock. You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like everyone hates me?", "questionText": "I constantly feel like everyone is up against me and trying their best to shut me down. It's ruining my mood and even my whole self. I have trouble sleeping, and I keep having sleep paralysis while dreaming of others mocking and judging me.", "answerText": "The problem you describe sounds very wearing on your spirit.Are there particular reasons for why you feel everyone hates you?Have you been in a clash of ideas or opinions and feel yourself in the minority viewpoint?Or does your sense of being shut out start within your own mind, as though you anticipate that others will not like what you say?If actual conversations are leading you to feel left out, then evaluate whether to bring up certain points to the other person.Or, you may also decide that the relationships in which you feel shut out, are no longer worthwhile ones for you.If the problem is hesitating to interact because you imagine others will reject you, then maybe you can coach yourself into trying a small step toward introducing yourself and your thoughts to others."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I going to be alone forever?", "questionText": "I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.", "answerText": "I can relate! When things are going badly, I feel like my life has always been and will always be that way. (But I also do this when things are going well. That is, I forget how good things can turn bad. Personally, to avoid this emotional roller-coaster, I try and heed the famous advice by author and feminist Rita Mae Brown: \"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.\"So maybe this weakness of your for forgetting is really a strength! It sounds a lot like living in the moment to me. And while its hard to manage my past and my future, the moment seems like a small enough piece of temporal real estate to sort out. So thats the what of my answer. The how goes like this: Choose one from column A, two from column B, and three from column C in the following chart. Then try doing them for as long as you can. Then see what happens.A B CGratitude Forgiveness AppreciationExpectations Meditation ExerciseBitterness Distraction Volunteering Resentment Substances WorryRegret Possessions PessimismShame Desire SuperstitionRage Isolation WishingSelf-loathing Criticism WithholdingIf you feel as though what you think and believe are out of your control, or that your values were imposed on you, or that nothing good will ever happen again, then we will have to respectfully disagree. Youve ask a very deep and insightful question, proving that your hope has gotten you this far. Hang onto that hope because Im an example of things working out despite my previous way of looking at my life.Instead of convincing yourself that youre okay when youre not, how about calling it accepting yourself as okay just the way you are, without judging your okayness. You probably have high standards (perfectionism?) and thats a thing to talk with a counselor about. The opposite of perfect is not horrible. Its called good enough.Blocking out the bad things and forgetting is as natural as eating and sleeping. All the other mammals do it (except when it comes to life-threatening bad things) so why shouldnt we? This might be called optimism. Feeling alone and uncared for is a worse feeling than being despised. This is good! This means (I suppose) that you dont despise yourself as much as you just dont care for you (because we can often project our own self-beliefs onto others). This is an abstract concept that will take some time to get used to. But I have a suspicion that, with just a little more self-care, and a little more caring for others, you might be better off very soon."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I going to be alone forever?", "questionText": "I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.", "answerText": "I'm glad you're aware of how you honestly feel. Knowing one's personal truth is always the first step in finding what is necessary to be and develop.Reflect a little more on the type of care you'd like in your life.\"Care\" means anything from checking in on someone to deep, intimate connection between two people.Knowing your own definition of \"care\" is the first step to know what is necessary for you to recognize what you'd like attracting.It is much easier to attract what we'd like if we are clear on what this is."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I going to be alone forever?", "questionText": "I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.", "answerText": "As social creatures, we humans all long for deep human connection. To know that we belong and are part of something larger. It is so important to us that when we feel alone - it can feel almost unbearable. You are not alone in feeling alone. While it can take time to build deep relationships there are moments in each day where we have the opportunity to interact with other people who may also feel lonely and scared and want to be seen and acknowledged. I wonder what it might be like for you if you took on an experiment of trying to really see the people around you and make little attempts to acknowledge and connect with them - fellow humans on this journey of life. A \"good morning\" at the bus stop or really looking at the person who you buy your groceries from or thanking or complimenting someone for something that you notice and appreciate. While this is not a substitute for close relationships these moments of real connection with the people who we share our communities with can go a long way to realizing that we are not as alone as we may have thought."}, {"questionTitle": "I can't focus when I'm doing work, even when I try to force myself to do it", "questionText": "I feel so irritated and frustrated because of it. I get so angry to the point that I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel pathetic, stupid, and worthless. I just can't take this anymore.", "answerText": "Yeah I get the same problem... Look I'm not a professional but I've heard a few things. a powernap can help. just a half hour of sleep can clear your mind and let you refocus. Also, brain activity increases with physical exertion. Just walk around for a minute and get your brain working and that'll help you reach the task at hand. Taking breaks it totally okay. Try to have something to do in between that you enjoy."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I keep letting myself get cheated on?", "questionText": "I've been with the mother of my child for years.", "answerText": "I would think that you hold little self worth and feel that you are not worthy of better. I would suggest that you get to know yourself. What do you NEED in a relationship? What is holding you to this relationship other than your child? What have gone on in the relationship that makes you think or feel you deserve such disrespect? Just a few questions to ask yourself.."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope or motivate myself without pain", "questionText": "When I'm not cutting, I'm drinking. When I try healthy outlets such as exercise, I end up running myself down into an asthma attack. From weapons, to words, I can't help but self harm. What am I supposed to do, how do I stop this cycle? I don't know how else to cope or motivate myself without pain.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling helpless and out of control, you are concerned about your behavior, and at the same time you feel compelled to continue it. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get insight into what is motivating these behaviors, develop strategies for taking care of yourself, and get a stronger sense of who you are motivated to be when you are your authentic self."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so angry and jealous?", "questionText": "I'm in my late 20s, and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I have no friends. I hate Facebook because everyone else has kids and a great husband and great paying jobs. I work in retail, and I can't find a job. I have an Associate degree. No one is not giving me a chance, and I'm getting upset and frustrated. I feel worthless and feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a failure, and I still live with my Dad. It's very embarrassing!", "answerText": "In case knowing this helps you, there are many more people in similar circumstance as you than you may realize.Similar to you, they are not on FB for the reasons you list. Plus, no one wants to go on FB and tell the world they don't have a fantastic life. Everyone on FB is happy, even when they're miserable they're happy telling everyone about it.First, yes it is painful to see all around you what appears as joyful living. Please keep in mind that the life you imagine these people have, is not necessarily the true life they are having. I've been a therapist for a long time and have seen repeatedly how people who are married with kids by age 30, start having problems by their mid-thirties.Second, respect your unique identity. For whatever reason, you have more sensitivity, possibly more depth, more complex standards and expectations, of yourself and others.As hard as it may sound or actually be, take time to hear your intuition and what it tells you, you need for your own growth and development.Feeling embarrassed can also be turned into a positive. Consider it as motivation for the long term to develop new ways of reaching your goals.I hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "I like a guy, but I worry that he thinks I'm creepy", "questionText": "", "answerText": "He may also think you're the most wonderful person in the world and that he's glad to know you!Worrying what someone else thinks about us without directly approaching them in an open minded way to see what actually are their impressions of us, will wear out the person who has the worry.Feeling nervous and to a degree anxious, is pretty typical of anyone. Since until you find out whether this particular guy likes you or does not like you, the possibility of an unfavorable outcome, creates anxiousness.The best way out of your anxiety is to decide on your way of being friendly to this guy and see how he handles himself.Who knows, you may end up being the one who thinks he is creepy!Good luck."}, {"questionTitle": "How come I feel ugly?", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s. Ive been married once, and he cheated on me. Ever since then, I've felt ugly no matter what. I'm engaged, and I still feel ugly. I don't like to take pictures of myself.", "answerText": "Sounds as though you're taking the blame for the bad actions of your former husband.He did an ugly action, and instead of feeling only your own emotions in response to being cheated on, you are holding his ugly behavior within you and feeling it.Does this sound like a possible explanation of why your feeling of ugliness started after the cheating incident?You may start feeling better by looking within your own heart for the full effects of having been hurt. It is possible there is more suffering within you than you've realized until now.As you address all the emotional pain you've lived through, the feeling of ugliness may drop out all of its own. Because you'd be focused on you, not on any of the ugliness introduced into your life by your cheating ex husband."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be sure that I'm not choosing my relationship out of fear of being alone?", "questionText": "I'm scared that I am with this man so I won't be alone. He should be with somebody who deserves him if this is the case, and I dont want to hurt him.", "answerText": "While not wanting to be alone may not be the best reason to be in a relationship, it is probably more common and normal a reason than you think. Since you seem to care about your friend (\"don't want to hurt him\"), I imagine there are many other reasons that you are together. I suggest that you talk about this open-heartedly with each other. The idea of being afraid of being alone sounds like an honest starting place. Don't try to \"figure out\" whether you should be with him. Just talk. The communication is likely to shine light on deepening connection for BOTH OF YOU.In the meantime, your idea that you don't deserve him is rooted in a \"core lie\" that you are telling yourself. You can read about \"core lies\" and much more in my book, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human. Check out www.LivingYes.org.Be easy on yourself. You are deserving!~Mark"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm desperate for attention, and I don't know what to do about it", "questionText": "I like getting attention from men. I don't have sex. I lead them on to thinking I might want to. I like to tease, I like for men to chase me, and I like to feel wanted.", "answerText": "Hi Michigan, Good for you for recognising a destructive pattern. This behaviour, although it might get you the attention you want initially, will ultimately drive men away because it's not respectful of them. My gut says that you learned early on in life that your value is in your sexuality alone. That's a powerful thought. You are certainly acting as if this is true. If you believed in your value as a person, you would be less afraid of deeper relationships and intimacy in general.If I were your therapist, I'd have many questions for you and I would need to understand a lot of things about you and your past to help you sort out where this idea about yourself came from. I'd suggest reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you get to the root of this behaviour. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I'm this dumb fat girl that no one likes, and everything is my fault. Are these normal teenage girl feelings?", "questionText": "Everyone around me is much smarter and flaunts it. Everyone around me is skinny, and here I am trying to throw up so I'm not fat. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't seem to do anything right! No one else at school seems to feel the way I do! Is this normal teenage girls feelings? I don't think these feelings are normal.", "answerText": "There are some struggles that are less \"obvious\" than others, an eating disorder being one of them. From just your personal experience alone you might realize how easy it may seem to keep such a secret from those around you. In the same way, there are many people who struggle secretly with this problem and not many people know or even notice. So you are definitely not alone. Low self-esteem or lack of confidence in some areas are issues that EVERY teen, in fact EVERY person, has experienced at some point. These feelings are \"normal.\" It sounds, though, as if these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have begun to consume your every day thoughts and behaviors bringing you to where you are today - comparing yourself to others, purging, and feeling extreme guilt. Sometimes it's best if we seek outside help, instead of trying to tackle problems on our own. Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor, nutritionist, and a therapist who can help change your perspective from the inside out! Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my sex drive back after my rape?", "questionText": "I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.", "answerText": "Hello Utah, thank you for writing with your question. Sexual assault or sexual abuse is a very traumatic event that affects victims in many ways. Your difficulty in feeling sexually engaged and your description of the shame and self-loathing you feel are normal responses to the rapes you experienced. A good therapist can help you to process your traumas and understand that you did nothing wrong to cause the rapes; the shame is not yours. It takes a very patient and loving partner, but you can make progress towards a healthier sexual relationship with your wife. These are issues that I cannot address more fully here other than to recommend that you seek the assistance of a qualified professional."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my sex drive back after my rape?", "questionText": "I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.", "answerText": "I am very sorry to hear about your rapes. Traumatic events, such as rape, can have some lasting effects. Issues with sex drive are one of these effects. Therapy can help to decrease the impact that traumatic events have upon our lives as we process through some of our experiences. EMDR can be a particularly effective modality of treatment to address this issues. I would also encourage you to have an honest conversation with your wife about this concern. Sometimes it is helpful to have that conversation with a therapist so that the therapist can help educate your wife in regards to effects of trauma. This may help her understand that your feelings are more about the trauma and less about her as a person. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my sex drive back after my rape?", "questionText": "I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have sex with my wife.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for your being taken advantage of and for all the negative feelings created by being exploited.If you have not already explained to your wife about what caused your great distress, then please consider doing this. A conversation that happens in a safe relationship, will give her a chance of being supportive to you. And, the discussion may relieve some of the bad feelings toward yourself which you currently feel.In its most positive light, you and your wife can build a new sex life based on the loving foundation you develop from talking with one another in this deeper way.It will certainly distinguish your love based sex life with your wife, from sex as a violation of your body by other people.There are also behavior therapists who would set a program of building tolerance for sex as part of your usual life.These programs usually work for a short while only, unless the person also clears out the deeper levels of fear and hurt from being victimized.Good luck in progressing to feeling that your sex drive is back!"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't trust my boyfriend", "questionText": "I found messages between my boyfriend and this girl on social media. He was asking her for naked pictures and then hung out with her once, but nothing happened. I didnt find out about the messages until last month and that was six months after it happened. I cant trust him anymore and I'm just wondering if I ever will. He admitted that he wanted to have sex with her but he didn't. He was only talking with her because he thought we were going to have a break up. My heart is completely broken. I feel like I'm in competition with every girl on the planet for my boyfriends affection. I'm afraid that he doesn't like me anymore, but without me he's homeless and without a car. I love him so much. It's been tearing me apart. I don't feel pretty anymore though. I don't feel good enough for anyone or anything. I thought I knew him as well as I knew myself. Then all of a sudden my world was flipped upside down. I'm still trying to figure out which way is up.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for so much stress in your relationship life.In what ways does your boyfriend express his commitment and positive feelings about you, to you?From what you write, you feel more aggravation, stress, loneliness and insecurity, than satisfaction by being in this relationship.Does he care that you don't trust him?Very often people stay in relationships from fear of knowing who they really are. The feeling is of needing a partner in a way that is similar to how a fearful child needs staying nearby a parent.My suggestion is to think over how much your sense of need for a partner, may be preventing you from actually seeing the amount of love and investment in your relationship, your boyfriend actually has.These realizations are sometimes painful and frightening to understand, especially if you grew up in a family that largely ignored or didn't adequately nurture you as a child.A therapist for your Self may be a good investment of time and cost in giving yourself a safe and trustworthy space to think deeply about your best interest."}, {"questionTitle": "All I can do is cry and hate myself", "questionText": "I'm going through a majorly bad divorce and my wife is making things so impossible for me. I need help.", "answerText": "Crying due to a dissolution of a marriage, is normal. Hating yourself may be a sign of extreme sadness, feelings of loss and uncertainty.Do you know why you hate yourself?Discovering your reason is the first step in knowing the obstacles and then the additional steps possible, to move from \"hate\" to \"self-love\".Divorce signals a loss of familiar life structure and daily routines. As with any meaningful loss, crying is part of mourning what is soon to be gone.If you have confidence in your attorney's handling of the legal areas related to the divorce, and the \"impossible\" you reference is on facing and coming to terms with statements and behaviors from your wife that you never noticed before, then your best choice is to find a therapist whom you feel at ease in talking with, to sort through the emotional upheaval within yourself and your everyday life and world.Divorce is a wonderful time for learning about ones own emotional needs and expectations in relationships since these are the areas currently coming apart.The good news behind losing something that seems valuable, is that new space becomes open to attract what is more suitable for who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "My ex left without fully explaining but I feel broken and empty", "questionText": "About 5 months ago my ex left without fully explaining why. For me it seemed out of the blue. I don't miss her as much as I used to but I just don't trust people anymore, not even my friends who I have known since my childhood not even my family. I'm so terrified of being judged or dismissed. Instead of acting like someone else or putting on a mask of a personality, I've just shut down. I haven't felt that sense of comfort and happiness with myself since everything fell apart. I'm scared to because I don't want it to be taken away from me again. I feel like ever lesson I learn only last a day. I just don't know what to do. I'm working at a place I know I should enjoy. I'm keeping up with my creative passions: working out, eating healthy, etc. I'm doing everything the books say I should do, but I don't feel any different. I just don't know what to do.", "answerText": "since you realize your sense of trust was broken, withdrawing from close relationships, makes sense.This may be your Self giving you natural time to recuperate from emotional pain.Also it is your chance to think over how to handle yourself differently in future relationships.Maybe this process requires more time than you'd like.Having patience is very difficult when a person feels hurt.A therapist of your own may be a good idea so you have someone for guidance and to chart your progress w you.This may feel less lonely and help you tolerate the waiting period till you're better"}, {"questionTitle": "My ex left without fully explaining but I feel broken and empty", "questionText": "About 5 months ago my ex left without fully explaining why. For me it seemed out of the blue. I don't miss her as much as I used to but I just don't trust people anymore, not even my friends who I have known since my childhood not even my family. I'm so terrified of being judged or dismissed. Instead of acting like someone else or putting on a mask of a personality, I've just shut down. I haven't felt that sense of comfort and happiness with myself since everything fell apart. I'm scared to because I don't want it to be taken away from me again. I feel like ever lesson I learn only last a day. I just don't know what to do. I'm working at a place I know I should enjoy. I'm keeping up with my creative passions: working out, eating healthy, etc. I'm doing everything the books say I should do, but I don't feel any different. I just don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Sounds like you need closure. I'm sure your doing your best to overcome this feeling but seem to be struggling with your own happiness. Trust God no one else. Give this some time and don't close yourself off to the world or the people who love you. Be open hearted and minded. And know that no matter what reason your ex walked out of your life, she missed out on how great of a person you truly are and may have had personal issues of her own."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with the feelings like I'm not good enough?", "questionText": "I feel like I have to be promiscuous in order to keep people around? It started after I got raped by my ex-boyfriend.", "answerText": "I recommend that you seek professional services to address the trauma you experienced. EMDR has been proven to be very effective in treating trauma. In addition, a support group might be helpful to find a more stable support network. Either a support group for victims of rape or sex/love addiction www.sa.org sound appropriate. Whichever group resonates the most with you will be the most helpful.If you have any additional questions or concerns, please feel free to ask."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be more confident around girls?", "questionText": "I keep hearing I am attractive from people around me, and I think I believe it. But I have low confidence regarding approaching girls I like.", "answerText": "I recommend that you focus on the negative thoughts or irrational beliefs that are going through your mind at the time in which you are trying to approach a girl. When you are aware of the negative thoughts or irrational beliefs, you can then work on changing them. An easy way to recognize an irrational belief is a thought that contains the words \"must or never.\" Once you recognize the thought or belief, I would like you to picture a big red stop sign. This is called thought stopping. This is a technique to use to stop unwanted or unhealthy thoughts. Then, I would like you to think of a more positive thought to replace it with such as: Negative thought: \"That girl will never go out with me\" STOP Positive thought: \"I won't know if she will go out with me unless I ask\". What this does is increase your self confidence by replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones that will ultimately boost your self esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm a 19 year old male with low self esteem. I've always been very closed off about my feelings and problems", "questionText": "A few nights ago I talked to this girl I know about my self esteem issues for the first time. We talked for hours and she told me time and again that I was a great guy. She told me I was attractive, and have a great personality, etc. I really started to feel better about myself by the time I woke up the next morning. Now, though, I can't stop thinking about her, but I leave to go back to college in a few days and I go to school 4 hours away from her. So now I feel constantly depressed because even if I told her how I felt it wouldn't matter. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Hey! It takes a lot of courage to share your feelings with someone! And it sounds like you have been lucky to meet someone who makes you feel safe enough to explore some of your more painful feelings. A big part of the process, however, of strengthening your self-concept is learning how to tell yourself those positive messages that you heard from your friend! Leaving for college may also be contributing to your feelings of unsteadiness. Try this - Make a list of all of the positive things that you know are true about yourself. Ask your friends and family to contribute to the list. Then carry it with you in your wallet - and when you need a self-esteem boost, take a look at it! You are in a season of life that presents lots of challenges and opportunities. Reach out to your long-distance friend when you need support - and take a walk over to the campus counseling center and check out what they might have to offer. Be Wise!"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "That you are questioning if you should end your relationship with your boyfriend tells me that you are unhappy with him. Spend sometime by yourself exploring the reasons for that unhappiness. Are these things likely to change or not?"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "You can make a pro relationship and con relationship list about if this person promote happiness or headaches in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "That you are thinking of ending it is a partial clue as to how you feel. Another suggestion is to weigh the pros and cons of staying vs leaving the relationship. You can also make a list of your ideal partner and see how much of that he matches. This video could also be of great help Why You Can't Leave The Relationship"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "That is such a hard place to be. Usually when we ask that question, we are struggling with weighing the \"good\" from the \"bad.\" Here are some questions to ask yourself:1. Do I like myself when I'm with my partner, or do I struggle to feel positive about myself with them?2. Do I feel like I show up in the world as a better person, because my partner is in my life?3. Do I feel like our relationship is reciprocal - that is, are we both giving and taking in some ways?4. Am I attached to this PERSON, or am I having trouble with ending a relationship in which I had a lot of hopes and dreams?5. Am I staying in this relationship because I am afraid of being alone or feeling judged by my partner or others?Sometimes it is enough to take stock on our own or with the support of friends and family. Other times, it can be helpful to work with a therapist to untangle what is at the heart of feeling stuck, in order to move forward. I wish you all the best."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Making the decision to end a relationship is never an easy decision. However, here are three signs that it may be time to end an unhealthy relationship.There are More Negative Interactions Than Positive OnesEvery relationship has its good interactions and its not-so-good ones. But there are those relationships that seem like every interaction is tense and filled with negative emotions. When communication becomes difficult or impossible, the relationship is beyond fixing.Vastly Different NeedsIn the beginning of a new friendship or romance, its easy to try and compromise with one another, making certain both persons needs are being met. Over time, some friends orcouplesrealize their needs are too different.For instance, in a romantic couple, someone may need more sex than the other. Someone may need to always be in control or have a need to lie. These kinds of clashing needs are a red flag for any relationship.A Blatant Lack of RespectRespect is essential in relationships. But sometimes there are those individuals that seem incapable of respecting the other person, their needs, theirboundaries,their wishes, etc. These people tend to be on the narcissistic spectrum and are incapable of having empathy or respect for others needs."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Some good talk therapy can help. Also consult a spiritual advisor like myself who can give you some incite on what is going on around and spirit guides ...then decide on your own."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "if there is abuse in any form, one needs to end the relationship !"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "It sounds like you've already decided. But if you want to really figure it out, do a pros and cons list or talk to someone to figure out if you getting the most out of the relationship and if not, if making it better is an option, which it always is. Are you and your boyfriend willing to make it work? If it's one sided and you have nothing to lose get uncomfortable and do what you need to do. Trust your gut! It usually doesn't steer us wrong."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Deciding to end a relationship is a big question that deserves your full care and attention. One of the first questions you may ask of yourself and consider for your boyfriend is whether you are both willing to work on the relationship. A relationship, no matter how great or hard, can't work unless both people are invested in working on it. This means that both people are willing to take responsibility and work on their on stuff when things are hard rather than blaming the other. If one of you is not willing or able to work at this then the relationship can't really grow or get better. Perhaps spend some time really asking yourself if you this is the person you want to work on things with. All relationships are hard and require care and attention and also ask us to really take responsibility for what we contribute. This should be done in a relationship where you want to do this work for yourself and the other. Also, if you are fully in and ready to do the work but your partner isn't. If they say things like \"this is just how I am\" or \"we have problems because of your issues\" then you also may want to really slow down and consider if this will be workable. You and your boyfriend need to be invested and committed to the relationship even when things are hard."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Breakups are hard, theres no two-ways about it. The emotional toll is enough to send many people into the fetal position with one hand wrapped around a spoon and the other around a pint of ice cream.The problem with reaching for comfort foods in times of crisis is that they set us up to feel even worse. Yes, sugar absolutely gives us an initial rush. We feel energized and happy. Guess what happens when you eat sugar? Your brain produces more dopamine, a feel-good chemical. Before long, you are eating more and more ice cream to keep your dopamine levels up.When you experience a breakup, its important to fight your urge to self-medicate the sadness away through unhealthy foods or alcohol. Here are some things you can do instead to feel better:Create a New SpaceIts time for a fresh new start, and theres no better way to do this than by giving your living space a makeover. Move the furniture around, give your living room a new paint color. Get some new sheets and linens. You want to remove obvious memories from your home and create the kind of space that makes you feel excited for your future.Reconnect with Loved OnesOften when were in a relationship, all of our time and energy goes to the other person and we see old friends and family less than wed like. Now is a great time to reconnect with those people who will love and support you through this hard time.Try Mindfulness MeditationAnd speaking of connecting with loved ones, its time to connect with yourself. Mindful meditation is a great way to quiet your thoughts and just be with the REAL you. Meditation also helps to alleviate stress. Five to 10 minutes a day is all you need to start feeling calm and balanced, and this is a much better headspace to begin making choices and decisions for your future.Breakups will never be easy, but they are a part of life. Do your best to stay away from binging on junk food and instead focus on self-care and compassion.If you find your feelings of sadness are not going away, it may be helpful to talk to someone. When we dont know how to navigate our strong emotions, we can become depressed and anxious. Speaking with a therapist can help you work through your pain."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Hi!Im sorry youre having this dilemma.I wish I knew a little more about the situation to give a better answer. Have you discussed what is causing you to consider breaking up with your partner? Based on the information given,I suggest starting off making a pros and cons list. Pros for staying in the relationship and cons for staying. See which side has more. Follow your gut. Hope this helps as a start."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "This is a very personal decision that you make when you have evaluated the issues in your couple that you feel are affecting your happiness and well being in your couple. I recommend completing a compatability checklist to evaluate which areas are making you unhappy. It is important to discuss these feelings with your partner and determine if together you want to work on these differences. If there is no agreement to working together to resolve the issues and you cannot accept the issues as they are then a break up may be best."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship. My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship. Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it. The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret. Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions. This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life.Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "That's a loaded question. Typically, if we are contemplating if we should or not, it is for a reason. To really come to a place of decision, you need to know where you are right now, what is not working, what the potential resolution would be and if it is realistic. If you can answer those questions, you may gain some insight. If it is realistic and your boyfriend is on the same page, seek help putting a plan in motion for resolution. And I mention him being on the same page because if he is not, then it will never come to fruiting. Without much other information, this is this is a solid approach."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "The decision to end a relationship is difficult. There are a few questions you might want to ask yourself like, \"Why am I asking myself if i should end it?\", \"What else am I looking for in a relationship that this one doesn't give me?\", \"is my boyfriend willing to discuss my doubts and willing to work at making this relationship better?\", \"Is he abusive in any way?\" These are just a few questionsto think through in order to make this decision. Also talk to a trusted friend and see they're point of view of your relationship. Sometimes talking it over can help you think out loud and you're friend can point out details you can't thought about. Talking to a therapist is also a good option as a therapist can hello you figure out what you are looking for and address any issues that need to be addressed."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "The decision to end a relationship is often very difficult. It is important that you are aware of your personal \"deal breakers\". Some common deal breakers are abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional) or substance abuse; however, anything that is detrimental to your well being can be considered a deal breaker. I know of a young woman who broke up with her boyfriend because he decided to adopt a pet cat and she is highly allergic. For her, having a cat was a deal breaker !Healthy relationships enhance personal growth, and we enhance our spiritual and emotional wellbeing by collaborating with our partner to work through problems and overcome challenges. My guess is that you would not be questioning whether or not to end your relationship if things were going smoothly. Are you both equally invested in finding a resolution to whatever is troubling you?An excellent book on relationship ambivalence is \"Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay\" by Mira Kirshenbaum. By the last chapter you will have the answers that you seek."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Deciding to end a relationship is never easy, especially if there is not any strong reason or incident standing out to help define the unhappiness in the relationship, such as infidelity or abuse. All relationships go through low periods where one or both people may feel unhappy in the relationship, this is normal. What I tell my clients when they are facing this decision is to spend some time and imagine your life without the person in it. What do you feel when you imagine your life without your boyfriend? Do you see yourself as being happier, having more freedom? When you think of life without him do you feel a weight lift off your shoulders? Is it easier to breathe? Don't rush into any decision about leaving the relationship. Take as much time as you need to fully understand what it is you are feeling right now. Ask yourself if some of the unhappiness in the relationship can change, if it is likely to change. Only when you are confident in your decision to leave should you then have the discussion about leaving the relationship. I hope this answer gives you some ways of thinking through how to make that very tough decision."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Hi there, that's a big question and really something no one can answer except you. Here are some things to consider to help you make your decision.What is leading you to ask the question? Has something happened recently or repeatedly that is making you question your relationship? If so, what is it. Can you rank it on a scale from 1-10, 1 being not a big deal and 10 being a deal breaker. What are your deal breakers and has he violated any of them? What are your reasons for being with him? How would you feel without him? How does he make you feel on a daily basis? Is there any abuse in the relationship (physical, emotional, psychological)? - if the answer to this question is yes - please seek immediate help. In addition to thinking about your relationship on your own, have you talked with your boyfriend about how you're feeling? If it is safe to do so, honest, open communication might help you get some more clarity. You don't have to say \"I'm thinking about breaking up with you,\" but you can say something along the lines of, \"I'm having some doubts about our relationship. Can we talk about us?\" If you want to stay with him, maybe you can work on your relationship together? Going to couples counseling could also be an option for you.If you decide that the relationship is not working, think about how you would like to be broken up with and if possible, try to come from a place of kindness and understanding.As always, I'm happy to provide more guidance if you'd like. Good luck with you decision."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "Without knowing the details, it would be very difficult to say! But, that's also the point of my response. Because even with the details, it's very hard to say, as no one is experiencing the relationship in your shoes, except for you. It might be helpful to process this in therapy, or with your boyfriend directly and voice your concerns about the relationship. In any successful relationship, the research has shown that openness in communication is vital.That all being said, I would also add, with a lot of curiosity...if you have to ask the question, does that say something about what you feel is the quality of the relationship?"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I end it?", "questionText": "How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?", "answerText": "If you're asking the question, then probably you are pretty close to ending your relationship.Make a list of what you don't like and then decide whether you'd like to tell these topics to your boyfriend as a discussion about your relationship.He may have similar feelings and together the two of you may figure out new ways to be loving with each other.If you've presented your needs and no change results, then ask yourself if you can be happy with him, given what you now realize about him and your feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "You cant drive lifes road without sometimes hitting bumps like regrets, disappointments, and tragedies. When you do, its easy to get stuck there, gazing back into your rearview mirror at the past.But God and Your Higher Power wants you to move on toward the future He has planned for you. Its a future filled with hope but to get there, youve got to turn your focus forward and look through the windshield at the road ahead.Heres how you can let go of the past to move into the future:* Realize that you have a choice.Understand that youre not a victim of your circumstances and that no one but yourself can tie you to the past; youcandecide whether or not to move on. Ask God for the courage to choose to break free of whatever is chaining you to the past."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "A large part of moving on is taking time to grieve the loss of the relationship, practicing self-love, and learning to self-generate the love, acceptance, and validation you were receiving from the relationship. Work on any feelings of abandonment and codependency, or regret, not feeling enough, guilt, shame fears. If you are open you could write a letter of what you would say then release it. You could even go as far as to a write letter of what you wish would occur or what you need to hear to move on then release. Acceptance of what is would be crucial, giving yourself the closure you deserve. I wanted to share this video in an effort to help.Evicting someone living in your head rent free"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Moving on is the right question. Everyone's different in moving on. First, what can I learn about myself because of this painful time? Caring non-judgmental family and friends who listen with the head and heart help a iot. Other times I need a skillful, caring professional to help me move on. You will find a way because you've asked the right question. Dr. Spencer"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "The termination of a relationship can be a challenge to heal from. Having obsessions after a breakup are very normal and many of my clients experience them. It can help to create a distraction box and when the obsessions present themselves use your distraction activities. In the beginning try to distract from the obsessions for 5 minutes and work to increase that time over time. Celebrate your successes when you are able to distract yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Initially, everything is a reminder because there is a trace of that other person present in everything in your life.When we lose someone, we're saying goodbye to what we thought our future was going to be. Accepting that's changed and allowing ourselves to envision a new future is necessary to \"move on\".Start learning something new or try a new activity that you've always wanted to do. Find whatever is \"good\" about being out of the relationship and focus on those things. This can be an exciting time of transformation for you. As time goes by, you'll add new things in your life that aren't entwined with this relationship and those things will begin to crowd out those things associated with the relationship. Give yourself a little empathy, no one goes through a breakup without being sad. It's ok to be sad. It's even ok to feel devastated. Loss of a relationship touches a primal need we have to belong. It makes us feel insecure, unanchored. In truth, we are ok, safe even. This experience will open different perspectives for you. There are lessons you'll take from it that will add another facet to you as a person. Maybe in time, you'll even appreciate this experience. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Best wishes to you,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Dealing with a breakup is difficult. We have high hopes and then those hopes and dreams are dashed and we feel at a loss for how to deal with this sudden change in our lives. First, it is important to acknowledge that losing a relationship is a loss and we need to grieve that loss. If we don't allow ourselves time to process and move through the grieving process, we may remain stuck and it may make it hard to move on. So in some ways, you don't want to move on too soon by just trying to ignore your feelings. Instead, take good care of yourself, talk to friends and give your self time to heal. The second most important thing is to forgive yourself; this is also an important part of taking care of yourself. You might be blaming yourself and re-living moments when you wish you would have done things differently. By replaying those thoughts you remain stuck. When we begin to forgive ourselves, we truly begin to heal. Lastly, in my experience the people who have the most difficulty moving on have not really severed all ties with their ex. They are still following them on social media or even checking in with texts. This is probably the hardest part for some people, but to move forward there needs to be a clear boundary and a clear ending. If you have a clear ending, you can have a new beginning. I hope this helps. Take good care of yourself!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Relationships can be extremely enjoyable and satisfying. When relationships end, however, it can be devastating. It is normal to go through a grieving process after a breakup. Denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and eventually acceptance are all normal stages of grief. You may experience these feelings all at once or one at a time. Allow yourself time to grieve by expressing your emotions - talk to a friend or write in a journal. Take care of yourself during this time by exercising, eating and sleeping well and spending time with friends. After some time you should start feeling better. If you feel like you're not feeling better and you don't know what to do, you can see a therapist to help you get through this difficult time."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Breaking up can be a very difficult thing. I'm sorry you're feeling badly. The first thing is to be really sure you are taking care of yourself --- that means eating well, exercising, getting good sleep, spending time with friends/family and making sure you are taking care of important things like work, rent, bills etc. Secondly, it's important to do things that make you feel better and not worse. If looking up your ex on social media makes you feel worse stop doing it! It's important to concentrate on you and not them. Thirdly, it's super important to make sure you're really looking at the situation accurately and look for the good things that still exist in your life --- what is still good? Even though your emotions are hurting and you are feelingbadly, can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? Do you feel hope? If you do try to concentrate on that hope feeling. If the obsessing continues and really gets in the way of living your life? Maybe contact a therapistor counsellor that can help you through this difficult time?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Hi,Break ups can be very devastating and even traumatic. Recovering from one is a process that is unique for everyone person and will take time. It's important that you don't compare yourself to others. Each and every person will experience this grieving process differently. Here are a few tips to help with your recovery:1. Make sure you surround yourself with people who love you and support you, friends and family. Even though you might feel like being alone, make an effort to be around them.2. Although you might not feel like it, try to take care of yourself as much as possible: eat healthily, get regular sleep, & vigorous or gentle exercise (depending on your mood). The last thing that we want to do when we are physically sick (e.g. flu) is to take care of ourselves even thought that's what we need the most. But when we do get that chicken broth, sleep and vitamins we recover much faster and with less discomfort. That's exactly the same when it comes to emotionalpain. Take care of yourself, keepyourself strong and healthy so you can recover faster.3. As much as possible, put away reminders of the relationship. You might not be ready to throw things out, but try to put them away in a box in the storage or in a closet. And also block Social Media reminders. There is a lot of wisdom in the saying \"Out of Sight, Out of Mind.\"4. Once the initial shock and intensity of the break up wear off, try out something new. In a relationship, we often forget and give up on things that we always wanted to do or to try. Now it's time to bring out that dusty bucket list and start trying something new.5. If possible, change your scenery by going away on vacation with a friend or even by yourself. Changing your surroundings can really help you change your thoughts, mindsetand forget your ex even if just for a few hours. Even a weekend getaway with a couple of girlfriends can do wonders.6. In addition, to help you make sense of your past relationship and what went wrong, I would highly recommend seeing a professional counsellor or therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "The best way to move on is to give yourself sufficient time and space away from your ex so you can heal. That means no checking out your ex on social media platforms and no contact. In order to move on and diminish the obsessions, help yourself recognize and accept that the relationship is over, and make sure to get sufficient support in processing all your feelings. Once that takes place, it can be useful to explore and process with a professional the meaning of the relationship and to understand your part in what transpired.Sometimes people obsess because they have difficulties accepting what's already taken place and want things to be different. The key to moving forward is to be loving toward yourself, to give yourself permission to grieve the loss, and to start cultivating new and healthy habits/patterns. Reengage in your present life, ask yourself what you want your life to look like, and start creating goals and taking small steps to create the amazing life you want for yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on?", "questionText": "I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?", "answerText": "Let yourself know what you feel. There is no timetable or known length of how much time a particular person requires in order to feel that the dissolved relationship is behind them.Probably the more you allow yourself to acknowledge your sadness from seeing the reminders, the sooner you will feel fresh and new again."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a person I fell in love with?", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "Love is a deep and nuanced feeling so start to accept that a simple cutting of emotional connection isn't possible.Honor the love you felt for this person. Acknowledgement of your love feelings will most likely help you find a dignified way to accept them while at the same time slowly developing new ways to live your life in a way which does not include the actual person.Your feelings will always belong to you. The newly discovered sense of how love feels will be with you and positively influence all your relationships. There is a benefit to feeling loved even if it is not forever in this lifetime.Also, your partner opened your feelings, the feelings which showed in fact already were within you. He opened the door and this door belongs to you.I hope you will find ways to appreciate having been loved and to be open that your feelings of being loved are a positive influence in all your relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a person I fell in love with?", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "There is no wrong or right way to define a relationship. I believe each relationship we are in is an opportunity to expand and to know self on a deeper level. We are conditioned to believe that we are not valued, or worth much without the confirmation of others and the world around us.Give yourself time and try to not go to those who are toxic and enjoy the drama of others lives as s way to avoid looking at themselves."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a person I fell in love with?", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "Well, there is some good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that people are capable of moving on from relationships, even if the person showed them a sort of love that they've never felt they've had, or deserved, before. Sometimes, even just the fact that this has happened for them can, eventually (see below) lead them to seek out love again, because they now believe they will be able to have that again.So, the not-so-good news though is that one can not \"just move on.\" I'd even venture to say that the pressure you may be putting on yourself to just move on and out of this yucky hole of feelings that you are in is actually too much pressure and adding to the yucky feelings as they are. Instead, try thinking of getting past these feelings as grieving over the loss of someone (even though someone didn't die, there is still a significant loss you are experiencing) and therefore how essential it is to allow yourself to grieve, to feel whatever feelings (of anger, or sadness, or something else) that you are feeling. Often, it is really helpful to speak those feelings (I recommend professionals in this case) who can help you feel like you are not pathological for this struggle, and instead that it is completely normal. Love is a crazy thing, and the feelings can get very confusing. But, the last stage of grieving is \"acceptance,\" and it is very challenging to get there if you skip over denial, anger, bargaining, and depression."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a person I fell in love with?", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "First sending your . You need to forgive yourself and try to start by working on self care and self love. I highly recommend speaking to me to see what is surrounding you at this time. There are many tools that can self help you to start the process to moving forward and break the \" Hold ON's\". But understanding first about how and why this happened. Maybe there is some soul connection or a pattern in your energetic system that needs to be worked on. Be Grateful that you are okay and recognizing that you have learned a little bit more of YOU. Also if you want you can check out this BOOK to see if there is anything in there that may help."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a person I fell in love with?", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "What if we think about this in metaphor: imagine a dirt road suddenly paved over - where before it was small, once paved, it was faster, smoother and suddenly you, the driver, knew what real driving could feel like. Then your road got a pothole: now, every time you drive, you hit that hole, and it only seems to get worse, the more you drive over it. Until that hole is patched - until you choose to fill your heart with either love for another or love for yourself - you might find it challenging to 'keep driving on your road'. Instead of letting go of how you felt, try to hang on to that feeling, just direct it inwards: you've shared you're capable of feeling strongly for another, surely, you're worthy of that same regard? All the best~"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a person I fell in love with?", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "What about him do you miss most? What part of those things can you self-generate, give those things to yourself. Working thru the grief of losing this relationship. Perhaps review this video and see what comes up. Also, reviewing your feelings around scarcity- is he the only person who can be a healthy partner to you? When thoughts of him come up, redirect your thoughts versus letting thoughts of him consume your life. Some have found support in engaging in acupuncture and emotional freedom technique (EFT) also building up your feelings of self-worth, and self-love outside of him and your former relationship.Evicting someone living in your head rent free"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a person I fell in love with?", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "One of the most challenging areas for people to deal with is getting over the the person you have loved so much. It's a catch 22. You know mentally that it's not healthy to think about them. However, your feelings are still there. Moving on is tough. It takes time for feeling to go away. That's the thing, it's not the person you're trying to get over, it's the feeling and the idea of them that is that makes it difficult. You've learned a lot from the relationship and time will help.Activity will also help. Are you actively living your life? If not, go out and maybe it's time to date and find new love. Grow with new relationships and it will help create focus on someone who may even be better than the love you previously experienced. You can do it!Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.Com"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a person I fell in love with?", "questionText": "I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered \"wrong\" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?", "answerText": "It's difficult to move on and let go, especially when you've experienced things for the first time with someone, or feelings you've never felt before, as you said.I like the fact that you are looking at your situation \"logically\". Feelings can take time to fade, but you seem to understand, even if it is subconsciously, that it's the feelings he stirred up in you that are keeping you tied to him, not necessarily the person himself. Realize that you can and will experience those feelings again with another person - the RIGHT person. Don't hold onto someone who is wrong for you just because of something like this. You're wanting those feelings and wanting a relationship - but with him necessarily? Or with anybody? You said you don't want to be without your love for him - not you don't want to be without him. In fact, you said you know you need to be without him. It seems like it's the LOVE that you can't let go of, and the feelings. Not the person. Trust me, you will find that again. Take some time to let this fade. Don't try to force him or anyone else into a role that is meant for someone else. Cherish the memories and the experiences you had. Sounds like it's been a valuable learning and growth experience for you, but you have your own reasons, and I don't know what they are, for thinking this person isn't good for you. Trust your gut instinct and be glad you've had this relationship. Not all are meant to last. But all shape you into the person you are and will become, and all teach us important lessons."}, {"questionTitle": "How to get over somebody?", "questionText": "Our relationship ended about 7 years ago, but don't know how to let go. How can I get over that person and move on?", "answerText": "What about this person do you miss most? What part of those things can you self-generate, give those things to yourself. Work thru the grief of losing this relationship. Perhaps review this video and see what comes up. Also, reviewing your feelings around scarcity- are they the only person who can be a healthy partner to you? When thoughts of them come up, redirect your thoughts versus letting thoughts of them consume your life. Some have found support in engaging in acupuncture and emotional freedom technique (EFT) also building up your feelings of self-worth, and self-love outside of them and your former relationship.Evicting someone living in your head rent-free"}, {"questionTitle": "How to get over somebody?", "questionText": "Our relationship ended about 7 years ago, but don't know how to let go. How can I get over that person and move on?", "answerText": "I think giving yourself the space to realize that this was a significant relationship and it really had an impact on you. I think you should honor that relationship and then talk about it to someone.The more you try to not think of it, the more you will think of it. I think you should instead, say \"thank you\" to that relationship. Thank you for showing you what qualities you like, what you desire. Maybe even come up with a list of what that specific relationship did for you. After you say \"thank you\" to that relationship then it may be time to say goodbye.You obviously want to get over that person, so figure out why you want to get over them. Why did it not work out? What negative parts of the relationship do you keep forgetting to think about. Oftentimes, people glamorize the past. So for your goodbye part of this phase, I would focus on the negative parts of the relationship. You can also work on emotionally saying goodbye to that time in your life. You are probably different than you were 7 years ago, and to be honest, they are probably different too.I know it sounds weird. But I would recommend that you mentally say \"thank you\" and \"goodbye\" to that relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How to get over somebody?", "questionText": "Our relationship ended about 7 years ago, but don't know how to let go. How can I get over that person and move on?", "answerText": "What you're most likely trying to get over is to be attracted to the qualities which you felt attracted to in the person.The problem isn't releasing yourself from the person, per se. Letting go of a person means separating yourself from the qualities in a partner which you value.Two possibilities exist.Either you continue to feel strongly that the qualities in the past relationship are still meaningful and you'd like to base your next relationship on these qualities.Or, the person had qualities which are no longer relevant or necessary in your life and this is the reason the relationship ended.It is possible that even if you had an adequate exposure to certain qualities in someone that you simply miss the companionship of a relationship.See if you can figure out whether you need the qualities this person gave you or whether you simply like being part of a couple.If you like the particular qualities of your previous parter and these are still relevant to your life, you'll attract a partner who has similar qualities.Basically people attract what they need.The more open you are to attracting what you need in a partner, the more likely your next partner will have these qualities.In this way, you'll get over the particular person and still have the satisfaction to be in a relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fix my marriage?", "questionText": "My wife just last week said she wants a divorce and it's all sudden. I understand that marriages have their ups and downs but I don't understand why she can't tell me why she wants a divorce. Should I fight for my family (daughter and wife)?", "answerText": "Chances are, if you really think about it, there were signs that something wasnt quite right in your marriage. You may have passed these things off as being the normal ups and downs of a marriage, but whatever it was (or wasn't), it's obviously bothering your wife. I would say yes, keep trying to fight for your family, at least until you know what the problems are from your wife's perspective and if they're repairable. Ask your wife if shes willing to try to work on the marriage and then see a marriage counselor. Just be sure youre open to hearing what's said and try not to get defensive if she blames you for some things.Even if your wife is adamant about getting a divorce, that doesn't mean youre divorcing your daughter and you should make sure she knows that. Continue to be a part of her life. And although it may be difficult, if a divorce does happen, try to be as amicable as possible with your wife so your daughter isn't further impacted by this new family dynamic."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I let go of a relationship when the woman is married?", "questionText": "We've been seeing each other for six years. She has a teenage daughter, and she don't want to break the family up.", "answerText": "What changed that after six years you raise the question of what to do about this relationship?Had you hoped until now that she would leave?If this is so, and she clearly told you she will continue in her marriage, then the control is in your hands now as to how long you are willing to continue in the relationship as it is currentlyEmotionally releasing from a relationship takes much longer than the time to simply announce your departure from it.Emotions change gradually, whereas whether or not in real, practical time the two of you will continue seeing each other, is a clear and straightforward choice.If you decide your best interest is in leaving, then do so. Your emotions will take a while to catch up.This is difficult and painful to do, only it sounds like staying is even more difficult."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband kept a huge secret from me", "questionText": "He had a sexual relationship with his sister and kept it from me for years, I confronted about it and he finally told me what happened. But I dont think he is telling me the whole story. He works with her and sees her every day. I feel that I shouldn't stay with him , but he says he ended it long time ago. Should I trust my husband and stay with him?", "answerText": "It is understandable that you are questioning whether to trust your husband as you learned that he was involved in an incestuous relationship with his sister ,and you believe he hid the information from you for years. I am sensing that you believe he may still be involved with her as they work together and see each other daily.In our society, incest is considered a taboo, and this might clearly have been the reason he could not share it with you. In addition, it is not clear whether the incest emerged as part of experimentation,or whether it was a traumatic experience for both siblings in which one of them played the role of the malevolent perpetrator and the other the victim. In any case, there is complexity around the dynamics incest and it is often necessary for the individuals that participated in it to undergo a healing process. In like manner, it must have been distressing for you to uncover this event in your husband's life. You may need to explore these issues in couples counseling with a professional who has training and experience in the family dynamics around incest that can shed further light for you. I hope that through that process, you may be able to figure out what direction to take, in terms of whether to preserve your marriage or not."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband kept a huge secret from me", "questionText": "He had a sexual relationship with his sister and kept it from me for years, I confronted about it and he finally told me what happened. But I dont think he is telling me the whole story. He works with her and sees her every day. I feel that I shouldn't stay with him , but he says he ended it long time ago. Should I trust my husband and stay with him?", "answerText": "Trust is a necessary factor for an intimate relationship to feel safe.The person who must repair the trust is the one who has broken this trust.The best way to find out if your husband wants to restore your trust in him, is to ask him this question. He may not be willing to meet your request.If he hesitates or becomes defensive about the need to restore your trust, then ask him to think his decision through and tell him the serious consequence you are considering.Ask him to reflect for a few days or a week and then to address the topic again.If you and he consistently find that he is unwilling to do anything at all to regain your trust, then I agree you have serious thinking to do as to whether or not you'd be able to live within a partnership based upon trust, in which you don't trust your partner."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband back?", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?", "answerText": "Most important is to take care of your feelings regarding that he has left you.From your description there doesn't seem to be much hope your husband would like to keep the marriage going.Has a long time passed since the two of you separated? Sometimes, and really this is very rare, people decide to return to their marriage.If he impulsively decided to leave and now is a short while since he did this, then there is some hope he will decide to stay together.If he's been out of the house for a while and tells you what you wrote, then there is greater chance he's had time to think through to split and will follow through.As painful as it is to hear that someone with whom you'd like to be, doesn't want to be with you, accepting your hurt feelings will eventually let you come to peace with your feelings.To keep hoping against the facts of what he's said to you, only makes your own pain intensify."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband back?", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?", "answerText": "There is always hope. So don't give up on hope.However, you knew I would say that, there is a lot work ahead of you.You need to see someone to talk things out.Get some space between you and your husband. Don't chase and please don't stalk him.Do some deep searching as to why he left and what part you had to cause the split.You can't change him but you are in control of your own change.With the help of a professional counselor you can get help and direction where you need to change."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband back?", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?", "answerText": "I believe there's always hope. I also believe that you are worthy of respect and love. I'm curious if you felt loved, cherished, and respected by your husband during your time together.Feeling willing to go to any extreme to save the marriage is common, but having to do things that go against your values sets you up to develop a lot of resentment.It sounds like you did not want to be separated from your husband, but now that it's happened, you can make the choice to focus on yourself, rediscovering, or discovering for the first time, what you really want out of life. Taking some time to grieve the loss of your marriage and practice self-care can help in the immediate aftermath.Are there dreams that you put on a shelf during your marriage that you could reignite? By considering the dreams and desires you had at the beginning of your marriage, you might find some direction for what to do next."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband back?", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?", "answerText": "I would focus on YOU right now. We cannot control him, his actions, his love, or his decisions. But we can work on you. Think about a few things: What do you want? What do you love about him? What made you two separate? What do you think about being in a relationship where your partner does not love you? Does that seem fair? He may want to work things out or he may be done. He may be done for a short period of time or be done forever. No one can answer that which is why I think you should change the focus.If you do get back together, will you still trust him to not leave you? What if he does not love you?If you never get back together, can you still have a healthy, happy life? Can you mourn that relationship but also learn from it?I want you to be strong, happy, and healthy with or without him. So yes, there is hope for you - with or without him."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over my heartbreak?", "questionText": "A year ago, the love of my life left me and never looked back. Our son was two months old at the time and it broke my heart. I miss her so much and can't seem to get over being so heartbroken.", "answerText": "Who takes care of your son, is a significant part of getting over your heartbreak.If you made reasonable custody terms re your son then the relationship heartache is much easier to recover from than if your sons mother vanished from his life, or if the mother wants nothing to do w him.Re the actual relationship, let yourself feel sad and hurt since this is the truth.Usually life gradually fills in new people, including a relationship once you feel strong enough from having endured such sadness and loss."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over my heartbreak?", "questionText": "A year ago, the love of my life left me and never looked back. Our son was two months old at the time and it broke my heart. I miss her so much and can't seem to get over being so heartbroken.", "answerText": "I recognize that you say you are missing being with the love of your life. At the same time, I don't understand whether you are able to see your son. I'm curious as to the relationship dynamic between you and your son's mother.When you say that she \"never looked back,\" I imagine you are conveying that getting back together is not something that she is interested in.I would suggest that you talk with a therapist and your local area so that you have the ability to discuss the loss of this person who you love so much. Most people think of grief related to the loss of someone who has died, But it also applies to people who have a significant loss, whether that is a relationship, a job, or any number of other things.In the meantime, try finding something about yourself that you value and can focus on."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I detach from my psychopathic boyfriend of seven years?", "questionText": "I Googled chronic lying and found several websites describing what behaviors both he and I have been experiencing. Both of us agree we have an uncanny, unbreakable bond. Hes been unfaithful many times, while he remains my only intimate mate. How can I learn to detach from him as he is not going to change?", "answerText": "First step is to detach, then learn about it.An attachment to a pathological liar, or to someone who is psychopathic, is based on insecurity, fear, or a sense to rescue someone, or of pity. None of these attachment methods are healthy for human growth for either of you. He lies to you and this is clearly not usual in relationships which truly are intimate. Someone who lies is not trustworthy and without trust there is also no intimacy.The type of attachment between you and this person is not discussable in reasonable terms. The bond is strong and irrational.Once you have separated from this person you'll have more freedom to know within yourself of what kept the relationship going for seven years."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I tell my separated wife that I'm expecting a child with the woman I'm dating?", "questionText": "I got married in 2014. I have a two year old son. His mom and I decided to separate due to my infidelities. We've tried to reconcile our differences but it never works out. Since we've been separated, I've dated someone, and we are expecting a baby girl. Is this something I should mention to my wife? The current woman whom I'm dating has been telling me for months to break up with her, but it's hard because I actually love her.", "answerText": "My answer is yes, you should tell her because you have a child with her. She is the mother of your son, and this new baby would be his half sister. I think telling her is mature and appropriate. Usually procrastinating just makes it worse.Another thing to consider. Would you want her to tell you if she was pregnant with her boyfriends baby? Hope this helps, take care!"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I tell my separated wife that I'm expecting a child with the woman I'm dating?", "questionText": "I got married in 2014. I have a two year old son. His mom and I decided to separate due to my infidelities. We've tried to reconcile our differences but it never works out. Since we've been separated, I've dated someone, and we are expecting a baby girl. Is this something I should mention to my wife? The current woman whom I'm dating has been telling me for months to break up with her, but it's hard because I actually love her.", "answerText": "Only tell your former girlfriend who is the mother of your son, what is necessary for her to know as it relates to your son.The mother of your son has every right as a parent to know who is directly involved in her son's life.First figure out how you will handle your current girlfriend's request to end the relationship you have with her.Without knowing whether you are in a relationship or not, is a key piece of information which the mother of your son would likely have interest to know and be entitled to know.Also, love is never enough to keep a marriage working. Love is a wonderful emotion only managing daily life and family decisions requires commitment to the other person.Reflect within yourself if you are willing to commit to your current girlfriend. Then you'd have a substantial offer to make to her of your willingness to be together with her."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with the break off of my engagement?", "questionText": "I got engaged, and everything was going well. Things went downhill at some point, and I broke off the engagement due to an opportunity to go to college. After that, I found out she had been cheating on me. I think about her all the time now, and we have been communicating on and off, but my friends/family don't know.", "answerText": "Somehow you knew the marriage wouldn't have a good start if your fianc was cheating on you.Congrats on your intuition and following your intuition.An engagement breakup is full of disappointment and sometimes talking about the particular points help the couple to clarify and possibly set the relationship on new terms or feel more confident in the breakup.I suggest you identify what topics re the relationship you'd like to clear up with your ex.If both of you are having touch and go conversation which doesn't address the deeper and more troubled areas which led to the cheating and breakup, there is a chance you both will go down a similar road of casual and light conversation which hits the wall of the deeper obstacles between both of you.Your friends and family don't need to know anything until you feel ready to tell them what you decide to tell them."}, {"questionTitle": "Did I make a mistake breaking up with a guy who said his ex-girlfriend will always be on his mind?", "questionText": "He was in love with someone years ago, and he still thinks about her time to time. He said, and I quote, \"That relationship is definitely over. I love you, but that girl will always be in my mind.\" It just didn't feel like he appreciated all the things I've done to make him happy.", "answerText": "Trust your intuition on your conclusion about this guy.He may very well love you, only with the ex so prominent in his mind, it is possible your feeling of not being appreciated now, would multiply if ever the two of you needed to address a delicate topic.Since he is emotionally attached to the former gf, it is very likely he wouldn't be able to fully love you as much as you'd like and are already sensing."}, {"questionTitle": "Did I make a mistake breaking up with a guy who said his ex-girlfriend will always be on his mind?", "questionText": "He was in love with someone years ago, and he still thinks about her time to time. He said, and I quote, \"That relationship is definitely over. I love you, but that girl will always be in my mind.\" It just didn't feel like he appreciated all the things I've done to make him happy.", "answerText": "It sounds like you were in a tough spot here.I'm not able to tell you whether or not you made a mistake because the decision is yours. I am wondering what led you to ask whether you made a mistake and whether you wish you were still in the relationship with this guy. If so, is it an option to talk about this with him?If you decide to get back together, consider having some conversations about what your concerns are and taking about five minutes or so to listen to this guy's thoughts, feelings, etc. Then see if you can repeat the essence of what he said to make sure you have it right. Then maybe you can ask some questions that you have and see if he is willing to listen. When each of you is in the role of asking questions, try to ask them as if you are an investigative reporter trying to learn more about each other's experience.If you are looking for information on coping with breaking up and you don't want to get back together or that's not an option, consider looking at how you define yourself and what is most important to you at this moment. I hear you saying you've done a lot of things to make him happy. I'm wondering what is making you happy. Hopefully you have friends or family that you can trust and talk to. Even if you don't talk about your relationship with all of them, I hope you have some people around whom you can be emotionally safe and comfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "Why does my spouse tell me he doesn't want me, but also gets jealous of me?", "questionText": "My spouse decided he no longer wanted me six years ago. Things have deteriorated so badly that we have separated but still live in the same house. He says he despises the sight of me, wants to be with other women, and divorce. What I don't understand is that he says constantly that I have no feelings for him and gets absurdly jealous if I speak to another male. Why does he constantly do these behaviors? I might add he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and as a narcissist.", "answerText": "What a burden for you!Your husband cannot seem to make up his mind on his viewpoint and doesn't seem to care whether or not you're affected by speaking out of two sides of his mouth.Keep yourself protected emotionally from him. There's no good which can come by arguing with a person who flips their position.Live as separately as possible from him and stick to roommate type matters such as groceries, bill paying and housecleaning as discussion topics.If he cannot make sense of what he thinks and feels, then certainly you will face similar difficulty trying to do so!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why does my spouse tell me he doesn't want me, but also gets jealous of me?", "questionText": "My spouse decided he no longer wanted me six years ago. Things have deteriorated so badly that we have separated but still live in the same house. He says he despises the sight of me, wants to be with other women, and divorce. What I don't understand is that he says constantly that I have no feelings for him and gets absurdly jealous if I speak to another male. Why does he constantly do these behaviors? I might add he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and as a narcissist.", "answerText": "It sounds like this is quite difficult.It sounds as if sometimes your spouse want you to be a part of his life (which could be a part of where the jealousy comes from) and sometimes he doesn't. Talking about this would likely be a delicate conversation and from what you mention he has been diagnosed with, I'm wondering if he has a therapist. If so, do you know whether he would allow you to come to one session so you can learn more about how he feels? Maybe he would be to use more of it because in the contained environment of an therapy office. This way at least you would know where he's coming from. You could also ask whether he is able to hear what you want, wish for, or desire between the two of you.Remember, just because you hear or follow what he is saying does not imply that you agree with him, although that concept in itself could be a subject of discussion because not everyone is aware of it.I hope that you are able to hold onto who you are and what you want throughout this."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I move on from my ex-husband?", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated. He says he needs some time apart. He says he needs to get back the in love part of a relationship but doesnt want to lose me. Should I wait or start over new?", "answerText": "It's not uncommon for relationships to go cold over time. It is a matter of one or the other becoming complacent. If you and your husband have been together for quite some time it's likely that you are very comfortable and familiar with each other. While this is a good thing in some ways, it can also become boring and you run the risk of losing that \"in love\" feeling he is referring to. Couples simply become ambivalent. For some of the couples I work with in my practice, I find that helping to organize a time apart, which I call a \"Therapeutic Separation\" can do wonders for the relationship. I offer homework to be done during this time. Reading, worksheets and individual counseling helps people learn more about themselves and what they desire out of their relationship. It often times brings more appreciation for their partners. When the pair comes back together, we are able to push the reset button and begin a new chapter that is more fulfilling and exciting than before."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I move on from my ex-husband?", "questionText": "My husband and I are separated. He says he needs some time apart. He says he needs to get back the in love part of a relationship but doesnt want to lose me. Should I wait or start over new?", "answerText": "That's a tough one. Would you and your husband be willing to attend couples counseling during the separation? That would benefit you both. If you separate and reconcile, what will have changed other than you having time apart? You will need to gain new skills to enhance and maintain your connection - otherwise you will risk repeating the cycle of disconnect, discontentment and separation. Please seek help from a therapist trained in couples work to help the two of you find a way either back to each other or gracefully out of the marriage. Time away will not, by itself, change your relationship into one that can be sustained."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I break an unhealthy relationship pattern?", "questionText": "I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?", "answerText": "You may be interested in reading my most recent post, Intimacy Begins With You. In it I offer 7 expert tips to help you get started on a path of self connection and discovery. This is important stuff to do in order to work through that stuff that's holding you back from the relationships you desire. You may find that it's especially helpful to do this work with the alliance of a skilled individual therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I break an unhealthy relationship pattern?", "questionText": "I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?", "answerText": "It is a good thing that you have recognized that you have been in some unhealthy relationships and that you are wanting to break this pattern. You seem to have some good insight into the situation.The type of behavior that you are describing is usually rooted in childhood issues with insecure attachment bonds with your caregivers, childhood trauma and/or abuse or neglect, or dysfunctional family issues that did not allow you to develop healthy boundaries for yourself or a sense of self. This is something that is going to take some time to work through in therapy. I recommend a book titled Boundaries: Where you end and I begin by Anne Katherine. Another book that might be helpful is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.In the meantime, until you can work through your personal issues, absolutely do not enter into another relationship. Take however long you need to and work on becoming a whole, happy, emotionally healthy person on your own. Needing another person to define you is problematic. Thats too much to expect from any individual.For a relationship to be healthy and happy, both people in the relationship first need to be a whole person on their own. That means having a clear sense of self, knowing who you are and what you want, knowing how to set healthy boundaries, and knowing how to meet your own needs. It is unreasonable to expect your partner to meet all of your needs all of the time. There will be times that they wont be able to meet your needs. You have to know how to meet those yourself.When you are working on becoming the best you that you can be, eventually the right person will come into your life. Then you can CHOOSE to be with someone because you want them in your life instead of feeling like you NEED them to complete you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I break an unhealthy relationship pattern?", "questionText": "I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?", "answerText": "Good for you on your keen awareness of your difficulties and your willingness to change!The type of change you'd like to achieve is possible, and since a change in self-confidence and self-love is deep rooted, this comes about gradually and slowly.Keep understanding yourself during your moments of doubt and anxiety. Its fine to feel terrible and certainly better to know you feel insecure than to act upon the insecurity by being with men who take advantage of you.Everyone needs to feel loved and recognized.Until you attract a partner who will love and appreciate you, develop relationships with co-workers and classmates, neighbors, so that you have some quality of giving and being given by someone.It is a way to nurture yourself and another person until your strength and self-belief grow bigger."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I break an unhealthy relationship pattern?", "questionText": "I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?", "answerText": "Here are some things I'm wondering:Do you have close friends that you can talk to, trust, and who can be around sometimes when you're in between relationships?What do you like about yourself? What are your strongest points?Do you think you have been in relationships with controlling than in the past because it makes you feel as though you are worth something to them?What kind of relationship you want to be in?What are the top three or four attributes of the type of partner you want?What can you do to make yourself emotionally safe during your typical daily activities?Can you notice a list of things that you can control throughout a typical day? For example, you probably choose what to wear, what to eat, how to talk to others, how committed you are to school or work, etc.It also sounds as if it may be helpful to discover more about yourself in addition to what you look for in a partner.As far as emotional abuse, it may be useful to develop communication skills that you could use prior to their relationship progressing to the point that it is emotional abuse.Thank you for reaching out to ask questions. If the questions that I've asked here are difficult for you to answer or are overwhelming, talking with a local therapist would probably be something I would suggest."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I give him another chance?", "questionText": "After my fianc cheated on me because of a miscommunication, I pulled myself away from him. Now he says all he wants is be with me. I'm pushing him away mentally now because he cheated on me again. I make plans with him that I don't keep. I really do love him still and I care about him. Should I give home one more chance?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "Should I give him another chance?", "questionText": "After my fianc cheated on me because of a miscommunication, I pulled myself away from him. Now he says all he wants is be with me. I'm pushing him away mentally now because he cheated on me again. I make plans with him that I don't keep. I really do love him still and I care about him. Should I give home one more chance?", "answerText": "People don't cheat bc of miscommunication. People cheat bc they feel diminished regard for their partner.You pulling away doesn't explain his behavior.If the two of you still were a couple at the time he cheated on you, then there were many alternatives he cold have taken besides disrespecting you.Try to understand whether you are satisfied and happy in the relationship. Your actions sound as though you are not either of these.Whether or not you decide to be together again many depend too on if the trust you had in him is restored. Do you feel you can trust him again?If the two of discuss your relationship then if you don't trust him right now and the both of you talk about your dynamics, then tell him about your feelings.Trust is foundational to feeling safe and happy in a relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "Why did my sister not defend me when my ex-husband said bad things about me?", "questionText": "I recently went through a divorce. My ex-husband called my sister saying bad things about me. My sister never defended me. Now that I showed the truth, she's shutting me up and saying she doesn't care about the fight. Why didn't she convey that to him from the beginning?", "answerText": "Sorry for so much emotional pain from the combination of the divorce and your sister not supporting you in the way you wish.When you feel ready and if you feel this would help, then consider to talk to your sister from perspective to improve the relationship the two of you have.Since the ex is gone and the sister is an ongoing person in your life, this particular incident is only one in many which the two of you will have with each other.The disappointment you feel now as to how she handled herself, is a point to bring up to her for the sake of clarifying the type of relationship you each would like to build with each other.As to your specific question as to why she did what she did, she is the only person who has the answer.Start with finding out if she wants to improve the relationship altogether. Then you can use her lack of support with the ex, as an example of how meaningful her support of you is to you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why did my sister not defend me when my ex-husband said bad things about me?", "questionText": "I recently went through a divorce. My ex-husband called my sister saying bad things about me. My sister never defended me. Now that I showed the truth, she's shutting me up and saying she doesn't care about the fight. Why didn't she convey that to him from the beginning?", "answerText": "Unfortunately, I can't tell you what your sister was feeling or why she reacted that way.I can say that divorces can be difficult or confusing for everyone involved. While the divorce is most impactful for the couple going through it, the divorce itself also changes extended family dynamics. Also, a lot of people don't act the same way around extended family (or other people) as they do at home behind closed doors, so there are times when divorce is a real shock to everyone who was not directly involved in it.I wonder if you are at a place where you can shift your focus into looking at your relationship with your sister, how she is treating you, how you feel around her now, etc. I do not know how close you were before all of this and how close you feel now, but perhaps if you can assess your overall relationship, you could find a time when you could ask about this (why she didn't convey that to him from the beginning) in a way that is calm, not defensive, and is honestly looking for an answer from your sister, not looking to defend yourself at that moment. If that conversation can happen, it may be quite a difficult one, so it may be good to have something to think of to remind yourself that you are trying to gather information from her and him that conversation, it's not about you, but is about where she was coming from. After you think you understand that (I'm saying that you understand where she's coming from, not that you agree with what she's saying), you could see if she's willing to listen to how you feel about it."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my ex-girlfriend back?", "questionText": "She said she needed space after three days of dating, and she got a boyfriend a week later. I still really miss her, and she told me she still likes me.", "answerText": "Given the short amount of time you know this girlfriend, there is no history on which to make a judgment about the likelihood of what she will do next.Certainly she is confusing by telling you she likes you and is with someone new. And not giving you any explanation as to why she made her decision.I'd suggest two possibilities.Speak with her and ask her if she considers opening your relationship with her.Or, simply wait and see what she does when you contact her in a friendly way.Pay attention to your own satisfaction level.If you get more answers from her which aren't agreeable with you, then it is time to put the hope for this relationship behind you.Then you'll have clear space to find someone who is as interested in you as you are in them!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my ex-girlfriend back?", "questionText": "She said she needed space after three days of dating, and she got a boyfriend a week later. I still really miss her, and she told me she still likes me.", "answerText": "It sounds as if your ex-girlfriend is trying to figure out what type of relationship she is looking to have with you. There are lots of levels of relationships, from a basic acquaintance, to a more friendly acquaintance, to a friend, close friend, best friend, early romantic partner, committed romantic partner, and many more.If she is willing to have a conversation with you about her feelings, it may be helpful to have her explain her feelings to you while listening as an investigative reporter and asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but are what are called open-ended questions, which ask her to provide more information. During this process, it would be helpful for you to try to think of it as not being personal, but just listening and trying to understand the experience from her perspective. After you have done this for five minutes (it's a rough estimate, but basically until you can restate what she is saying and she says you have it right), you can switch so she is asking you questions about how you are feeling. The goal is not necessarily to change the outcome, but to learn more about yourselves and each other.Then you may have an idea of where you stand in each other's eyes."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my ex-girlfriend back?", "questionText": "My ex-girlfriend says she's bored and wants to experience life single. I treated her really badly and caused meaningless fights when she didn't do anything, I feel remorseful, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get her back. She's unhappy. When I called her, she was crying and said she will text me when she's ready.", "answerText": "Were you happy with the ways she satisfied you?A relationship is happiest if each partner concentrates on the happiness of the other.Strange for someone who was treated badly to describe themselves as bored, rather than say they feel hurt.Is it possible you are being self-critical about your behaviors toward your ex girlfriend?Either she is unaware of her feelings or not being fully truthful with you about her feeling badly treated.Since she's putting up a barrier to communicating with you, better for you to respect this than contact her by phone again.Consider in a few weeks, so each of you has time to think over your happiness with the other person, to write her an email which states your interest to re-open the relationship.Who knows, you may even decide by the end of a few weeks, that you're fine without this particular relationship.Depending on her response to your email, you'll know whether and how much chance there is for the relationship to clear up the problems of the past and to continue."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a break up?", "questionText": "My fianc and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.", "answerText": "Cheating on you shows a lack of commitment, in addition to the emotional hurt it creates.Probably you didn't actually forgive him because if you did, then you wouldn't have been asking questions of his every move.Maybe you were open to forgiving him. In order for forgiveness to be effective, the person who has done the injuring must first show some understanding and empathy for the great pain the person caused in you.From what you write, your fianc didn't seem to have much interest in earning back your trust or in empathizing with the way his cheating effected you.It is very likely his tiredness is also tiredness you feel, of having to watch him all the time.As uncomfortable as adjusting with the disappointment of him leaving you, the situation you describe sounds like it was unsatisfying for both of you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a break up?", "questionText": "My fianc and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.", "answerText": "if he as cheated on you multiple times it is not healthy for you to continue seeing him. HoweverIt takes time to heal your pain. You are not a robot that can just switch off your emotions. Please surround yourself with people who can support and empower you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a break up?", "questionText": "My fianc and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.", "answerText": "There is a grieving process after losing a relationship (or any other major loss, such as a job, a house, etc.). One of the things to consider is give yourself a chance to go through the tasks of mourning:To accept the reality of the lossTo process the pain of griefTo adjust to a world without the person who has just leftTo find an enduring connection with that person in the midst of embarking on a new life. This could mean a lot of things, but it could be holding certain memories as your own.You may also find things that make you feel happy or comfortable. It's also helpful to have people who you can talk to about your feelings and people who may be able to recognize things about you that you cannot see right now (such as how you are honest, committed to your work, a good listener, etc.).This takes some time. Try to be gentle with yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I find out I'm being cheated on?", "questionText": "I was in a relationship with a woman for four years. We both made mistakes, but I do love her. She has moved in with another lady. I think she is just cheating on me to make me miss her. How can I find out for sure?", "answerText": "Has your former partner made any efforts to be in contact with you in order to restart your relationship?From what you describe, your former partner is in a new relationship.It is possible that since you love her and would like to be together again, that you are misinterpreting your former partner's actions.If you'd like to have more certainty as to wether your former partner is cheating or whether she is happy to be with the new partner, is to contact her and ask her your question.A better road may be to accept your sad feelings that she is with someone else.Since she was meaningful to you, respect the sadness you feel and that the relationship didn't continue as you wished."}, {"questionTitle": "How long do I wait on my ex-fianc to choose me over his ex-girlfriend?", "questionText": "My ex-fianc (whom I am still seeing) left me because of the pressure from all three of his teenage daughters. They wanted him to try to work it out with their mom (his ex-girlfriend of 20 years). He and I split three months ago, but I have been seeing him pretty regularly despite the fact that he is living back with his ex-girlfriend and kids. He is \"co-existing\" for the kids and fighting all the time with his ex-girlfriend. His daughters dont want their dad with me because my two boys (grown adults and on their own now) had bad reputations and issues with drugs. His daughters say it is embarrassing for him to be with me. He and I had an absolutely amazing relationship and connect on so many levels. He is getting a lot of pressure from his family and his longtime friends to \"do the right thing\" and stay with his ex-girlfriend for the kids. He says he wants me to wait. We were going get married last year. He bought me a $1000 dress, we had invitations made, and everything set up, but then his girls told him they'd never speak to him again if he married me. He says hes trying to mend his relationship with them.", "answerText": "Hello. It seems you are in a set of circumstances that are highly uncomfortable for you. Do you feel those circumstances are healthy? Do you find pleasure being in such a place of uncertainty? Why do you continue to be in this situation? Without meaning to appear that I might be lacking in compassion, you do have the option to leave the connection completely if the harm it is doing is more that the pleasure it brings you. Is there a benefit to being in this relationship? Do you consider this situation to be for your highest good? Is it healthy to be involved in something that is not likely healthy or perhaps could even be seen as dysfunctional? In truth, only you can decide the answers to these very important questions. I would encourage you to think of who benefits by being in this situation, and how you might be able to find happiness in other relationships that are healthier and more positive. In my clinical view based on what I read, this particular relationship does not carry the joy I am sure you want, nor the healthy interactions you would expect in a functional romantic engagement with another person.Beating yourself up about potentially wasting all this time waiting for the other person to come around will not serve a positive purpose. It likely will only lower your self-esteem. There is a time to wait to see how things develop, and a time to move on to other experiences. You are the one to make that choice, but I would encourage you to connect with your inner higher self, for the most clear answer. Chances are, you already know the answer, you just need to embrace it. Getting in touch with a counselor in your area can also help ferret out some of the deeper issues that you might not have felt comfortable expressing here."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with a break up if we still live together?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "This would be very unsettling for most people.Once a relationship is finished, then starting a relationship of only roommates would require to constantly be watchful to keep the relationship businesslike and friendly and avoid acting on any romantic or partner feelings toward the other person.The best situation would be if one of you would relocate because avoiding so many feelings on a long term basis, creates a lot of tension."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with a break up if we still live together?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I'm not sure whether you're asking for help to cope with the relationship between you or feelings that you are having.This may be a good time to talk about what kind of relationship you want to have (whether friends, just people who are sharing a living space, etc.) and what boundaries you both have as far as personal space, belongings, conversation, etc. There are a lot of different pieces to consider and it may be helpful to take a day or two to consider the ways in which you typically interact and make a list of the things that you would like to discuss.When you are discussing whatever relationship you are going to have now, consider taking the time to listen to how each of you feel and think about different things that are most important to you. Hearing the other person's point of view does not mean that you have to agree, but just the you can see where they're coming from.If you are asking how better to cope with your own feelings, there can be a lot of different emotional reactions to a breakup. It is certainly expected that you could have lots of feelings related to sadness, nervousness, anger, and many other things. Having these emotions is okay. If you find that it is difficult to eat or sleep (beyond a few days) or its difficult for you to follow through with other daily activities, you may consider talking with a local therapist. It can be helpful to have someone there to discuss thoughts and feelings that you have and be there to help you consider your next steps.Try to be patient with yourself as you work through this."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I move forward from my boyfriend leaving me with no explanation?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Yes! You can move on from a relationship that ends abruptly with no explanation. One way you can do this is by creating your own narrative around what happened. Chances are, you were not fully getting what you wanted out of the relationship either. He just happened to be the one that called it quits first. Start by sitting down with a journal and summarizing the time line of the relationship. Include both the good and bad, the ups and downs. When you get to the finale of your story, you create the ending. Do not frame yourself as the victim. Think about what was most likely going on in his head. Usually there are clues that we might not see clearly until after the fact. Writeabout what you learned from the relationship and thepositive growth you experienced. Be thankful that you were released from continuing any further with someone who was not meant to be your long-term partner but express gratefulness for the season and all you learned."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I let go of someone who continues to hurt me", "questionText": "Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Boy, ending relationshipsis tough, isn't it? Sometimes it's tough even when we are 100% sure that it is the right thing to do!I am going to give you some of my thoughts, and hopefully some colleagues will add some others. One of the things that I want to point out is that \"letting go\" is not really a thing. In other words, it's not really something you can reach out and grab. It's more of a process. This is good news, because you don't necessarily have to be atthe end of the process to end an unhealthy relationship. We just have to accept that there will be feelings that come up even after the relationship is over. For example, someone can end an unhealthy relationship today, but then be reminded of the good times on what wouldhave been their \"anniversary.\" This could make the person very sad. They may even regret ending the relationship for a little while. It would important, then, for the person to remind themselves why the relationship needed to end, and that they are healthier because of it. This is relevant for you. It's hard to walk away from a relationship. We fear all kinds of things, including being single! Sometimes it's helpful to compare what you are getting out of the relationship to what you want from a relationship. It's helpful to be honest about what we have given up for an unhealthy relationship. It's fine to admit uncertainly about ending things. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have moments of doubt and sadness along with a dash of guilt. And even with all of that,someonecan still leave if it is the healthiest thing for them. They can have sadness later on, and still not go back.It sounds like you are feeling responsible for making sure he is okay because of this divorce. The truth is that there is not necessarily a \"perfect\" time to end any relationship. There would be no guarantee that he would be doing any better after the divorce. SometimesNOT makingdecisions stresses us out A LOT more than making a decision and living with the consequences, both good and bad. You may be at that crossroads. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I let go of someone who continues to hurt me", "questionText": "Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?", "answerText": "First decide what you truly would like in the current relationship. Understand your reasons for staying in the relationship.Three years is a substantial amount of time to be involved with someone. Whatever attachment you feel toward this man is deep and complex.Instead of deciding to leave or not leave, change your question to figuring out your satisfactions and dissatisfaction with the man.Also important is to tell the man your feelings.Whatever problem you are feeling may become clarified by discussing what bothers you.At the very least, you will give the guy a chance to show how interested he actually is in the tension you currently feel and have felt for a while."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is it so hard for me to be social?", "questionText": "I was in a relationship for almost five years. We were friends for a few years before we got into a relationship. He was a caring, friendly, and charming guy up until three and a half years in. He started controlling me: who I hung out with, where I was at all times, and he had a huge hissy fit if I tried to ask him the same questions. All that time, he just liked me as a friend and was cheating on me with my so-called friends. At the end, he was a nasty and narcissistic person. Now its hard to be social.", "answerText": "It sounds like you had a very confusing and painful experience in this relationship, and now you feel hesitant to let yourself get close to people. It is understandable that when we are hurt in relationships, we may have trouble trusting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with others.Therapy is a great place to explore the roots of present difficulties in relationships, to unpack what happened in prior relationships, and to find new ways to show up in relationships so that we can have the relaxed intimacy that we want. Often, relationship difficulties represent patterns of relating that we learn early in life which we may feel compelled to act on outside of our awareness and therapy provides an opportunity to become more aware of these patterns so that we can change them, enabling us to feel secure and to seek out satisfying companionship."}, {"questionTitle": "Im having problems moving on", "questionText": "We're not together, but Im still doing things for him and we are intimate. Hes not there for his son.", "answerText": "You didn't ask a direct question because I feel from what you wrote you already know the answer. I hate to sound harsh but I am a therapist that call it how I see it so brace yourself...You will always continue to have problems with letting your child's father go as long as you:Don't love or respect yourself first...Don't love and respect your son...Don't demand respect as a woman and mother...Give up the goods regardless of what he does for you or your son...Don't hold your son as a priority in your life....Have self worth of a $1, etc.I have a feeling you are saying...I do love my son and hold him as a priority even if you don't do it for yourself...I would ask...Are your actions of allowing such disrespect from his father proof of that?I know what I have said may have gotten under your skin...I want it to.... because I feel that you have a conscience, want to do better, know you and your son deserve better and you can do better. Believe in yourself and that you and your son DO desire better and it starts with you setting boundaries with his father. You can do it!!!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is my husband having a midlife crisis?", "questionText": "My husband told me last year he never loved me and should have never married me. He's been talking about divorce, but he hasn't filed. Now he has a girlfriend and he abandoned me and his kids. He has no financial help, and he has been out of the home for four months. He became very angry and mean. He says it's all my fault, and that we're not compatible.", "answerText": "It's hard to say that it is a midlife crisis stage.. could be... but so much more seems to be going on or have been going on to say with confidence that it is not much more."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm not sure if I want to trust my husband again", "questionText": "My husband used a lot of negative words to hurt me, and I moved out. He is seeing a counselor and wants another chance to make things right. I'm not sure if I trust that he will not go back to his old ways.", "answerText": "I am glad he is seeing a counselor. That is something that most men struggle with doing at times. Time will tell if his actions are of good intentions. However remember that a person can only doto youwhat youallowthem to do in relationships. What part did you play? Did youdown play hisdisrespect at one time?Did you give up the power of your own voice? Did you lose yourself in the relationship and it became just one sided? Did you allow him to make you doubt yourself? In others words, if you do decide to give him another chance,what would you do different? Not saying that you are the blame or cause of the negative wordsAT ALL, but don't allow such disrespect from him oranyone else in the future. If you do decide to give it another try, go in witha voice, with the demand of respect, with your needs and wants expressed and expected.With an increase in your self worth and confidence, youwill knowwhat to doifhis actions are trueorifwith dishonest intentions.Seek counseling as well, if you need that additional support to find self."}, {"questionTitle": "Ive been separated from my husband for six months and he still has not filed for divorce", "questionText": "My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?", "answerText": "In any relationship, including marriage, each partner will be better able to do their part, by understanding their own interests and wishes.Concentrate more on what you'd like from your marriage. This will naturally raise the questions and criteria of what to talk with your husband about and what to ask of him.Think over whether you wish to divorce or not.Since he hasn't taken any action, then for the moment, you can assume he is not sure of what he wants.Once you feel a little more clear on your opinion about your marriage, including feeling uncertain if you'd like it to end or continue, then you will be able to tell your husband the suggestions you have for resolving the dispute matter and emotions.Try to re-direct your speculations about, \"what does he want\", \"I wonder what he's thinking\", back to answering these very reasonable questions, about yourself.This will strengthen your own purpose in clarifying where to start and guide a discussion with him.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Ive been separated from my husband for six months and he still has not filed for divorce", "questionText": "My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?", "answerText": "In situations like this, in most cases, he probably will not fill anytime soon. It's more of the fact that he isn't ready to give that life yet... Now if you probably pressured him about it then yes, he would probably give in.. But if it hasn't been a big issue anymore or something you guys aren't talking about, then right now.. Everything is on a hold."}, {"questionTitle": "Can our marriage still be saved?", "questionText": "In 2008 my former husband of 14 years walked away from my life and we've been separated ever since. We have always been together sexually and both have experienced sleeping with others. I stopped because I wanted my marriage to work out but he did not. If he stops sleeping with other women, can our marriage be saved? Or should we just part ways? I still care deeply about him after all that I did and he has done. But he is seeing someone else on and off for years now. Will our marriage still be saved if he decides that he wants to try to do so?", "answerText": "Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship. There is definite value in being clear as you are, about your own emotional investment in your husband and that you expect sexual exclusivity from him as part of the foundation of your marriage.Also positive is your awareness that only your husband is the one who must similarly decide his own standards of being sexually exclusive to you, or not.Whether your marriage can be saved depends on what each person is willing to accept about the other one.Is sleeping with other women the only criterion of what will satisfy you about being together with your husband?Love and care are not enough to make a marriage work.Partners need to be able to compromise and cooperate with each other.That you care for him definitely intensifies any emotion you feel toward your husband. It intensifies any frustration and sadness about the relationship too.Decide how much emotional sadness and hurt you're willing to tolerate and the reason you're willing to do so.From what you write, you are being very generous of yourself and not being reciprocated for this.If your husband doesn't start taking steps toward satisfying your wishes, this may be your time to question your own generosity in waiting for him to do so."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband and I are separated. I'm so scared of getting divorced", "questionText": "I keep on begging him to come back. I am so unhappy with him but am so scared of being a single parent to our son. I was abused as a little girl and that has made to be very abusive to men. What should I do...", "answerText": "Major change frightens almost everybody.Don't be so afraid of your fear that you let yourself beg and are willing to accept unhappiness as a standard in your marriage.If you start considering that life can be better than what is current for you now, new possibilities and ideas will start developing in your mind.Consider finding a therapist so that you have private space to talk in detail about your fears and the new ways of seeing your Self.A therapy relationship, since it is safe and supportive, will be a good balance to having been abused, suffered, and unhappy."}, {"questionTitle": "How do couples keep from being at risk for divorce?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The Gottmans have been studying relationships in their \"love lab\"for over 4 decades and what they've found is pretty awesome. There are 4 things that,when added together and built up over time, predict divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling. These behaviorslead towards emotional disengagement over time and willeat away at your positive feelings towards one another. The awesome news is that they've also identified antidotes; gentle start ups, taking responsibility, discussing your feelings and needs (not to be confused with what you need from your partner) and self soothing. No couple can ever truly eliminate saying/doing the wrong thing, that's ok though because sustaining your marriage isn't about always getting it right, it's about knowing/learning how to repair when your get it wrong.To learn more, pick up a copy of Gottman's \"The7 Principals For Making Marriage Work\" or seek out a Gottman trained couples therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope and rebuild my life after ending an 11 year abusive marriage?", "questionText": "I am going through a divorce from a narcissistic sociopath who left me for another woman after mentally and emotionally abusing me for 11 years. I have moved to a different state and after giving up my successful business am working as a server at a restaurant. Im coping as best as I can. Is it normal and healthy to not adapt as quickly and be as strong as I think I should be? I am astounded at his cruelty and how much he doesn't care, as well as most other people in my life. I feel like I don't exist to anyone anymore as there is no contact from anyone who I thought cared about me. My brother just said no to lending me a few hundred dollars for me to live on. I am losing faith in humanity itself.", "answerText": "I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. I think that it is normal to struggle to get your feet under you again after a divorce, especially after leaving a relationship that lasted 11 years, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time and do the best you can.I notice that you said he left you. This tells me that you didnt have the strength to leave him on your own despite the fact that you say he was emotionally and mentally abusive and also cheating on you. Low self-esteem can keep someone in a bad relationship because they think they cant do any better. Also, abusers will make you think that they are the best thing you can get. The way I see it, he did you a favor. You are now free to make your own life whatever you want it to be.Take this time alone to work on you. As hurtful as it may be that other people dont want to help you, this is something that you need to do for yourself without feeling like you need someone in your life to take care of you. Your statement I dont feel like I exist anymore tells me that in addition to low self-esteem, you also dont have a clear sense of identify and rely on the people in your life to help define who you are. People can and will let you down. It is important for you to learn to handle disappointment, learn to take care of your own needs, and to gain a stronger sense of self.Do nice things for yourself every day because you deserve it. Even if it is just to soak a little longer in a hot bubble bath, do something that makes you feel good. Find a hobby that you enjoy. Look in the mirror and tell yourself some positive affirmations daily. Google positive affirmations to find some that resonate with you. Such statements might be I am a good person who deserves to be happy or I can do this. Some relaxation and meditation exercises may help you as well. There are some free meditation exercises that you can find online by doing a simple Google search.Take this time to focus on you and try not to worry about what everyone else in your life is doing. When you are a happier, more stable person, the right people will come into your life without you even looking for them. Good luck with rebuilding your life. I know it is hard! Remember to take it one day at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I'm going to get fired because I cried at work", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore.", "answerText": "Getting your first job is an exciting, terrifying, and challenging experience. It is something you will remember for a long time and it shapes how you begin to think about yourself as a worker. You are literally \"learning as you go\" in this completely new environment. You are going to make mistakes. You are not going to get it right the first time. It can be even more challenging if you are having a difficult time building relationships that are supportive at work. A couple of things to remember here: 1) You are there to do a job and you are getting paid to do it, 2) There is a reason or reasons for you wanting to be there and do that work, 3) you know best what you need in order to be successful. These three items can be helpful to remember, especially when we feel our emotions are taking over in a place where we do not feel safe to express them fully. If you feel like your supervisor is approachable, meaning someone you could talk to because they express confidence in you, let them know you are nervous about doing a good job. Also let them know how you learn new tasks, information, or expectations so they can deliver the message in a way that you understand. Becoming a successful worker doesn't happen overnight, but each day you can identify what works for you and what doesn't by communicating with your work team, the easier it will be for you. We all had a first job once, and were all worried about doing well. Hang in there, and call a counselor if you need more help."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I'm going to get fired because I cried at work", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore.", "answerText": "How sad for you!I'm sorry your first job is turning into a place of tension.Did the matter between you and your boss get resolved?Do you feel respected by your boss and does she listen to your point of view, even if afterwards, she disagrees?Keep an open mind over the next several weeks or few months on how you feel in your new work situation.Expect to be treated fairly and reasonably.If this is not the way you feel most of the time, then consider finding a new place to work."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm always wrong in everything in my relationship?", "questionText": "My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work \"sweetheart.\" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?", "answerText": "Here is the truth: You will never get her to understand! because that would mean changing her and we can't change other people we can only change ourselves. I would recommend to take the time to self reflect on what exactly it is that you are doing that is contributing to the mixup. You both have very valid feelings and those won't magically go away until you address the root problem (which could be many factors).I am curious to know more about past relationships the both of you have had and how that plays a role in your current relationship. Many times we don't realize how past relationships truly impact our current behaviors."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm always wrong in everything in my relationship?", "questionText": "My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work \"sweetheart.\" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?", "answerText": "It sounds like you feel your wife doesnt trust you and its frustrating for you because you arent cheating on her and you arent trying to be disrespectful towards her. It must be really difficult to constantly be faced with accusations and misunderstandings from your wife. I am so sorry you are going through this but Im really glad you are trying to seek assistance with this.I dont know your wife, in fact I dont know you either for that matter, but from what little I know from what you wrote it sounds like your wife has some insecurity and maybe even self-esteem issues. People that present as very sensitive and accusatory like your wife are often not acting that way to purposely frustrate their loved ones- they act that way because they are feeling unloved and hurting. Having that perspective in mind about your wife- that she is hurting when she makes those accusations- I am wondering if that changes your perspective about this? Your wife needs your sensitivity towards her feelings, your love and your reassurance of your commitment to her. Be very loving in your actions and words towards her. Dont call other women sweetheart. It sounds like your wife is a sensitive person which means she needs her husband to be sensitive to her feelings. These are just some things to think about."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm always wrong in everything in my relationship?", "questionText": "My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work \"sweetheart.\" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?", "answerText": "People often project their insecurities onto others. Has she been cheated on prior to your marriage, or has there been infidelity in the marriage? Would she seek therapy for her insecurities, and/or couples therapy? Also, something to consider is not to allow someone elses insecurities to become your insecurities. Do not allow their words to penetrate your psyche. Your worth is not based on others estimations of you.You may enjoy this videoSelf-Esteem & Worthiness Affirmations - Remember Your Worth and value"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I'm always wrong in everything in my relationship?", "questionText": "My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work \"sweetheart.\" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?", "answerText": "You may not get her to understand your point of view with any more success than your wife is having with you to do the same.It is possible you are a balanced couple in the sense of neither one of you understanding the other.The deeper question to ponder is whether each of you can accept the other person even though you each have very different terms for defining \"cheating\".You will find either there are enough strong similarities to keep the two of you happy as a couple, or there aren't these similarities.Then, the new question would be whether either of you want to address your findings or not."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "I think it's important to tease more of this situation out to figure out what is at the root of the stress. It is emotionally dangerous to be at a job for a lengthy duration in which you feel overworked and underpaid. You will not perform well as you mention, and thus your self-esteem will continually take a hit without really any effort. So, I don't know that simply coping with your stress would be advisable as a first step.You don't speak about a lot of what the office dynamics are like, which can be a big indicator for me of what can be done to help you feel better (because we exist as a part of a relationship with everything, including people at our job.) I would encourage you to speak up about your contributions to your boss. Often, \"overworked and underpaid\" also includes the \"my boss never notices me,\" and that can demoralizing. If we feel appreciated, that can go a long way. I've found that it is quite common for bosses to require some instruction for how to show each of their employees \"appreciation\" (and it goes deeper than \"thank you\" or taking you out to lunch - it's almost something felt as opposed to made explicit.)But sometimes appreciation isn't going to do the trick either. Because that overworked and underpaid actually has led you to feel \"burnout.\" You have zero interest in doing the job in the way it is designed, so some real changes need to be implemented.The bottom line? Try not to just \"suck it up\" and do all of the \"self care\" work on your own. If your company isn't helping you to take care of yourself (I'm talking to you, boss that handles employee pay and/or work conditions!) then you also have to question if this is a company worth working for. While I don't know exactly what you do, it sounds like you have confidence in your contributions! So take that confidence to a tech company that will support you (and there are tech companies out there!)"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Being in this position is tough. If seeking another career opportunity isn't viable, there are a couple of things you can do to manage stress on the job.1. Have a ritual to begin the day: Consider setting a one sentence intention and plan tasks for the day2. Take the breaks you are offered. I know it can be difficult to step away from your desk to eat lunch or take 10-minutebreaks during the day, but prioritize this if you can. Sometimes 30 minutes of downtime and fresh air can help you feel better.3. Have a ritual to end the day: If you commute by car consider an end of the day playlist. Take a walk. Light a candle. Clear your desk and write tasks for the next day. Whatever it is, send a signal to your brain that it is time to end the day.4. If you do work from home or are expected to be availableafter hours, set boundaries where you can. Set a timer for answering emails and stick to that. Have phone free meals. Try to engage in activities that are rejuvenating like spending time the friends and family. 5. Try to limit alcohol/ drugs. Move as much as you can. Get outside in natural sunlight. These are just ideas/ suggestions. Even doing one of these things could be a step in the right direction. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Hello. Workplace stress is one of those areas of living that troubles many people who need an income to survive. The interactions between you and coworkers is a mixed bag, and sorting that out can be difficult. Also, if you are feeling under appreciated and not well paid, this can add bitterness to your lot of emotions. A few questions can be kept in mind as you work through your situation. Do you have the option of talking to your employer about your experiences and feelings with regard to your current work? Do you have local resources that you can use to find different jobs in your field? Do you have connections with employment counselors or agencies that can support you with strategies in dealing with workplace stress? These questions might cause others to bubble up, and could begin a new journey into a new field.While still at your job, what can you do to take care of yourself? Are you taking breaks? Do you eat lunch at the office, or do you go somewhere away from the office to eat? What do you do when you have a few moments to breathe? Understanding that you can indeed find even the smallest strategies useful for self-care, can help bolster your energy and give you some support as you move through the day. Seeking the support of family and friends can be helpful as well. Knowing your personal limits and when to pull back and take a break will give you a chance to recharge your mental and physical energy, thus helping you face the demands of your job."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "I am curious, what makes you stay? Sometimes \"managing stress\" is only a band aid to a bigger problem. When you ask yourself \"what your life would look like without this stress,\" what do you see? We can easily talk about coping strategies for stress. Mindfulness, deep breathing, meditation, journaling, exercising etc. All of which may be things to help manage your stress. Hearing your sentiments above \"I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions\" I wonder if the stress is more resentment and if \"managing\" is really the solution?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Ugh, overworked and underpaid is such a terrible combination. I applaud you for recognizing your value, both monetarily and otherwise. To manage your anxiety at work, consider putting together a small grounding box for yourself to have at work - fill it with fidgets, hard candy or gum, something that smells nice, kind words and reminders to yourself. Remind yourself that you are not stuck - you have lots of options for how to move forward and the freedom to decide what to do. A few options might be: look for another role in the same company, look for another job at another company, use some of your PTO time to give yourself a restful break, ask for a meeting with your supervisor or HR to discuss your concerns or advocate for yourself to get a pay increase. You are valuable, both inside and outside of the workplace! And it's okay to ask to be fairly compensated for the work you are doing, and set boundaries for yourself if that request is not accepted."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "It is so hard to feel undervalued on the job! To be given so much work and not to get paid for it is unfortunately a headache many experience. Make sure that you are surrounding yourself with loved ones and ways of relaxing when you are not on the job, and taking care of yourself (aka eating well, getting enough sleep, etc). When one ensures that their physical needs are met, they give themselves the best chance for also functioning best mentally and emotionally. Think to yourself how you best take care of yourself and make sure when you are off from work you do those things. For example, do you enjoy reading, exercising, or maybe having a milkshake? If you do, make sure you make time to do those things! Whatever it is you enjoy please utilize self-care and do them. As long as it is not an activity that will harm you or anyone else, make time for taking care of yourself when you are not on the job. There are also skills you can learn to manage any symptoms of anxiety, and that a competent therapist can go over with you, should you decide to try counseling. And while you are doing all of that, you could also search for other jobs. Best of luck !"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Hola. I understand. I worked 27 years in a sales & management environment in corporate before transitioning towards my area of purpose. I hear a couple different things here. One, I hear that your job is stressful (I know, thanks Capt Obvious). Secondly, that you are not compensated based on your appraisal of your contributions, Third, and maybe the core or at least closest to it - not being recognized or seen for your contributions. Did I get that right? if so, then I see the link between being demoralized and being stressed/having anxiety.Be curious and ask yourself, \"What irks me the very most?\", \"What is the one thing that could be done that would help me feel better\" Typically money is not the root of many workplace issues. Often its direct supervisor, not being valued (ding?!), harassment, misaligned values, favoritism, and then money does come up.As a mental health professional, we believe in empowering the individual to have increased agency over their situations/lives. You can practice and then bring up the issue to your supervisor(s) but first chat through it with a good friend or counselor or coach. They can give some specific things to do based on more detail of your situation."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "First, look at your own history. At times, past trauma can make the current situation worse. If you have ever experienced trauma, you may want to try addressing the traumatic experience directly so that you can see clearly to deal with the current situation.In addition, consider how your current boss, co-workers and/or company may be similar to your home life as a child. Is your boss or the company like one or both of your parents? Is a co-worker similar to a family member? Could you be perceiving a work-related situation or a person at work the same as a family member because their words, actions or looks remind you of that person?Ultimately, after asking yourself these questions and providing honest answers, it will help you to determine whether you are dealing with issues of the past or whether you are in a current toxic work enviornment. From there, you can decide what you want for your future."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Is this what you have always seen yourself as? I understand. Do you have a cushion to fall back on? Your health is not worth this if it is making your life a complete mess. Not sure of your situation and responsibilities but you might consider a different path if you can. You might want to talk to a counselor or try some energy work to help with this."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are experiencing burnout and have very little, if no job satisfaction. There are some aspects of this that are in your control and others that are not. What type of work do you typically enjoy? Do you enjoy high stress work? What keeps you in this job? Is there a reason you have stayed? Is your boss reasonable to have a conversation with? I recommend a few things. For one, you may want to have a discussion with your boss about your job duties and see if there is a way to either eliminate some responsibilities or get higher pay. Another option, if you are unable to have an open conversation, you can start to look at an ideal work situation, what would you like/ be OK with/ absolutely hate about a job. Then possibly try to look for a new job that fits these qualifications.If you are unable to leave your job, you may want to attempt to balance your work life with more activities that create joy outside of work. Sometimes that balance can help you tolerate work more. I recommend that you find a supportive person to talk with and process these frustrations as burnout can lead us to do things we may regret."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with work related stress better?", "questionText": "I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?", "answerText": "Recognize your reason for continuing to work for this place.Sometimes \"overworked and underpaid\" is tolerable bc of the valuable learning which the person will take with them when they've decided the time has come for these lessons to end.Or, are you in this place bc it is an easy commute to your home or fits well with other parts of your life such as education or some health related program?As long as you have a good reason to be there, you will feel there is good purpose.If there is no good purpose and every day you wake up to work for a place you can't stand, then its time to look for a new position."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I assert myself with a boss who called me co-dependent?", "questionText": "My boss took over some work I'd begun. Concerned that she had doubts about my work, i asked her for feedback. I assured her that I did my utmost for customer service, and asked if I was deficient. She then said this was me being co-dependent.", "answerText": "Your boss' response was insensitive.Either you can assume she was careless in her remark to you because of some unusual pressure in her own day, and ask for feedback at a different time on a different project.Or, if you don't want to take your chances of being insulted again, then be your own evaluator of how well you did your work.Assume your work was at least good enough, otherwise she would have pointed out any mistakes."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I assert myself with a boss who called me co-dependent?", "questionText": "My boss took over some work I'd begun. Concerned that she had doubts about my work, i asked her for feedback. I assured her that I did my utmost for customer service, and asked if I was deficient. She then said this was me being co-dependent.", "answerText": "This interaction with your boss seems strange. It is tricky to know how to handle workplace conflicts, but there are typically resources in place to help employees and mangers communicate successful and feel confident that they are being treated fairly at work. Is there an HR department that you can use as a mediator?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a coworker?", "questionText": "I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?", "answerText": "It sounds like you have mixed feelings and motivations - which is understandable. On the one hand you want to get over him, on the other you are still holding out hope for something more. It will be really hard to let go of him and create friend boundaries so long as there is a part of you holding on to the idea of something more. If you are being really honest with yourself you might need to acknowledge that you are not really striving to get him out of your system - that you have not really given up hope of having a relationship with him. If you are whole-heartedly committed to moving past the sexual and romantic parts of your relationship and just having a friendship than refraining from all the touching would be a good place to start. It is hard to \"just be friends\" when all your sex and bonding hormones are coursing through your veins."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a coworker?", "questionText": "I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?", "answerText": "How frustrating to want a relationship with someone who does not feel similarly!The person who needs to be at the top of your list of those whose interest you consider, is yourself.Most often, staying engaged in dialogue, affection, sex, with someone who has different reasons than you have, for doing so, creates longing, frustration and sadness.Since the guy has told you he would like limiting his involvement with you, more than likely you will be protecting yourself from disappointed wishes, by taking his words seriously.Since you've made your interest in him clear, it sound like he's taking advantage of what you're willing to offer him.As long as he's not reciprocating with the involvement you'd like, why continue being available to him?The one area that is open to you in a positive way, is to understand which qualities of this guy you find attractive.By understanding more about your own interests about a potential partner, the stronger you will be able to step away from those who would like you for their reasons, which have nothing or very little in common with yours.Good luck with defining the qualities of a partner with who you will feel fulfilled by sharing yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a coworker?", "questionText": "I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?", "answerText": "It sounds like a tricky situation. If you want to maintain your friendship and continue to have regular contact with him, getting over him may not be possible. What makes it even trickier is that his actions (hugs and touching) may be misleading and are allowing you to believe that a romantic relationship is possible. Some ways in which we naturally get over others are when we fall in love with someone else or when we suddenly see the person we like in a more negative or unattractive light. If you truly want to force yourself to get over him, cutting contactor setting strict boundaries may be necessary. If you don't see him, over time you can begin to forget about him. If you set boundaries by discontinuing to allow the hugs and touches, you will not feel mislead orhave the idea in your mind that he is being flirtatious or interested.It would be difficult to continue the relationship as is and expect your feelingsto change. Thus, being proactive by talking to him about boundaries or cutting contact with him are two things you can do that will likely help you to get over him. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a friend/coworker?", "questionText": "I am conflicted with this guy I work with. He is a coworker and close friend whom I've had a crush on since meeting him four years ago. We made out once after years of flirting. I was hoping for more, but nothing happened. I distanced myself a lot after.", "answerText": "Hello! Emotions run high in \"crush\" situations and when emotions run high it's not uncommon for us to have emotion-based instead of fact-based thoughts. After reading your question, I wondered how you went from \"making out\" to \"nothing happened?\" I wondered if this happened because of an emotion-based thought that sounded like \"If he liked me, he would make something happen.\" A truer and more empowering thought might be \"I want something different to happen with him and I want to take a different action to see if that can happen.\" This thought focuses more on the one thing you can control: YOU. Hopefully, the thought also empowers you to think through what you can do to gauge interest/talk with him about his feelings on the matter. I hope this helps and good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "A friend of my child's father is sending him inappropriate content", "questionText": "I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.", "answerText": "The offspring are your Property;If you require that no other man show inappropriate content to them, then require compensation for use and enjoyment of your Property, without your consent;Send them a bill;When they do not pay it, activate the local Sheriff, take them to small claims court, and win a judgment against them for failure to compensate for the use and enjoyment of your Property;I wonder what might happen after that... learn to act as man :)... and watch the magic happen..."}, {"questionTitle": "A friend of my child's father is sending him inappropriate content", "questionText": "I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.", "answerText": "From what you write, it sounds like you're reaching quite far into your child's father's way to handle his friendships.There's a difference between an agreement between you and the child's father to not view porn, and with you monitoring and setting standards for your child's father's way to handle his social life.Try to accept the limits of your request extends to you and the child's father, not the way the child's father wants to handle his relationships with other people.Also, pushing too hard or setting your expectations of the child's father too wide for him to tolerate may end up backfiring on you.Who knows, maybe he'll decide \"enough is enough\" and withdraw from the otherwise reasonable agreement to not watch porn."}, {"questionTitle": "A friend of my child's father is sending him inappropriate content", "questionText": "I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.", "answerText": "In my book, this is a boundary issue. Although you do not like inappropriate content, it is not up to you what your child's father looks at or what his friend sends him. It is really hard not to monitor other people's lives, but in the end, your rights begin and end with you."}, {"questionTitle": "A friend of my child's father is sending him inappropriate content", "questionText": "I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are wanting to protect your child from degrading images and that is one of the important parts of the job of a parent. Although it is challenging to supply an answer without knowing the full situation, it might be helpful to have a more broad discussion about what you both think about the influences and images that your child is exposed to and what you think your role is in protecting your child. This situation is one about beliefs and values and could well be an example you can use for exploring your parenting roles in protecting your child."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm attracted to my boss", "questionText": "I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet.", "answerText": "There are many possible ways dating your boss could go awry and jeopardize your occupational well-being so my recommendation is to hold off on presenting your boss with a personalized gift and instead focus on building attraction and romantic interest with someone who is not at the workplace. Sometimes the element of power and unavailability can heighten our sexual interest but that doesn't mean it's a healthy idea to pursue someone who is in a position of power over you at your workplace."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm attracted to my boss", "questionText": "I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet.", "answerText": "Human attractions can be tricky things, and in this case - a power dynamic. In the workplace, a boss usually has the power to hire, fire, set schedules, approve vacations, and evaluate performance. Because of this power dynamic, most employee handbooks expressly forbid supervisors and their direct employees being in a romantic relationship. Perhaps you should check your employee handbook. It is possible that if you or your supervisor act on your feelings, one of you might have to be reassigned, or if no reassignment is available, asked to resign. While you may be attracted to your boss, and your feelings may be strong, it might be in your best interests to resist acting upon them."}, {"questionTitle": "My sexual partner wants me to reimburse him on a hotel room", "questionText": "I was having a sexual relationship with a coworker. He decided he was going to get a hotel room for the weekend. Before I got paid, I told him I would have $25.00, which I thought I would. But when I saw my paycheck, I could not pay the $25.00. He says I lied to him about it. He wants me to reimburse him $25.00 for the hotel room he decided to get. He stayed at the hotel, and I left. I don't think it's right that he want me to reimburse him $25.00 for a hotel room he wanted to get in the first place. He is out of town right now and texted me yesterday telling me I am a liar and that I should never said I was going to have $25.00 when I knew I wasn't. I told him I had to pay rent and my rent was late. He texted me saying I need to get two or three jobs.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. It really is up to you to decide if you owe him the $25.00. If you feel like it is the right thing to do based on your discussion with him, then pay when you can. I am actually much more concerned with how he is treating you over $25.00. I know that it can be a lot of money if you don't have much, but that doesn't give someone the right to call you names and harass you through texts. You may want to take some time and think about your relationship and make sure that these are the qualities and behaviors you want in a sexual partner. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do if my coworkers accuse me of mood swings?", "questionText": "My coworkers are making false statements about me to the boss, saying I have mood swings. They have no proof to back it up. Can my employer make me see a therapist of their choice?", "answerText": "If this is a concern of a few coworkers, make sure it is not something they see but you don't admit to. Employers can \"suggest\" or something \"stipulate\" in continued employment with them for you to go to their Employment Assistance Provider (EAP) if they have noticed the same behavior and concerned of how it is effecting productivity or employee relationships. No one wants to work in a environment which they consider hostile. Employers can be held responsible if they do not take action.Couple of things you can do...Ask a coworker in which you trust and respect if what others are saying is true?Seek professional help from your primary care provider or counselor if mood swings do exist."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do if my coworkers accuse me of mood swings?", "questionText": "My coworkers are making false statements about me to the boss, saying I have mood swings. They have no proof to back it up. Can my employer make me see a therapist of their choice?", "answerText": "I cant give you legal advice, but employers can suggest you see someone if your behavior is affecting your job. I believe most government agencies have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) where employees can talk to a therapist about any issue, not just work-related, for free (up to a certain amount of sessions).Im wondering, though,why your coworkers would tell your boss this if its not true. Is it possible that you're not aware of how your interactions are affecting others? Maybe thisforced counseling can be an opportunity for some introspection on your part."}, {"questionTitle": "Is work burnout a real condition?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It absolutely is a real thing. Work can take a significant toll on a person in many ways.There are several things you can do to manage burnout at work. Depending on your specific work environment, some of these might be more realistic than others.It may help to set firm boundaries between your work life and your personal life. Also, it often help s to create some variation in your work schedule or work tasks. At times, burnout can also stem from a lack of challenge at work.Feelings of being burned out by work might be a sign that it's time for a change."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it unethical to have a relationship with a fellow counselor?", "questionText": "Does this go against any ethical codes? Are there legal ramifications?", "answerText": "Generally, the ethical codes only prohibit relationships with clients.There are however a few types of counselor-to-counselor relationships that are prohibited by the ethics codes. Such prohibited relationships include those between supervisors and supervisees; between professors and students; or any time the relationship might negatively impact your (or their) clients.Lastly, some workplaces have rules against dating coworkers. It would be a good idea to check if there is such a rule that applies to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "As in Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. although I minister in interfaithJesus also mentions about how he lives within all of us.As in the beginning when the solar system was created in dark matter. We are created in the image of to better understand ourselves. Your soul journey the date and time life breathed into your physical part while understand that we animate the physical. Faith and belief is a choice. Suggestion : Order a life path report. It helps you learn more about You. Educate and seek spiritual advisors to help you connect to the spirit. Talking about it helps."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "Since no one can prove that there is a higher power (meaning we cannot observe \"God\" with our senses), the decision to believe is a choice you make. When something can't be proven true, you get to choose what belief system works best for you. Some questions to reflect on might be:1.) What does \"God\" even mean? What are the experiences that have shaped your perception of \"God?\" Are there any other ways to think of it?2.) What turns you on or off to the idea of God? And remember that there is a difference between religion and spirituality. You do not have to be religious to believe in God.3.) How might your life look if you truly believed there was a higher power/God? How might that be beneficial? Why wouldn't you believe (what is there to lose)?4.) How might your life look if you chose not to believe in any higher power?Is there anything you might lose? What would you gain?5.) How do you cope with things that are outside of your control and don't make sense? How do you cope with the idea of death and tragedy?If you decide that you would like to cultivate a belief in God, then there are ways you can strengthen this belief (some doubt and questioning is always normal). Something you could do to strengthen your belief is to look for ways that it fits into your life. Look for things that have happened in your life that show you there is something/someone out there looking out for you.Another way to think about God is to think about love. Not in the emotional sense of the word, but in terms of good versus evil, light versus dark, love versus hate. There are some things out there that are clearly evil acts (Christians refer to this as the enemy and sin), but many times something good can be found amidst the bad. As Fred Rogers once said, whenever you see something terrible that happened on the news, \"Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.\" And as one of my favorite verses from the Bible goes, \"Light always overcomes darkness.\"Remember the answers you're looking for come from within. Just look for the answers you hope to find and they will come to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "There are an infinite number of ways to look at this. Spirituality, religion, God, higher power, and many other parts of this discussion mean different things to different people. My question for you is what does \"real\" actually mean to you? Often, the concept of God has to do with what you believe in. If you ask 1000 different people, you'll probably get almost that many different answers.Consider talking with friends or family about this. I would suggest, though, that you have the discussion initially with people who you trust and who you feel are willing to listen to your questions and beliefs and perhaps offer an opinion without trying to make you believe as they do. You may also consider speaking with a pastor or another religious figure. The local Salvation Army may have a link to a religious or spiritual person that leads nondenominational church services. There may be able to help you to sort through this if your friends and family do not provide a comfortable environment for you related to this discussion.Just a word of caution. In my experience, ideas of religion and spirituality can be lead to very deep discussions with some people who are very strongly connected to what they believe. Some people do not easily separate their own beliefs from those of others. When initiating conversations about this, try first asking whether someone would be comfortable discussing religion or spirituality. A second question may be whether it is okay with this person you are talking to if you have different beliefs or opinions.As far as whether God is real or not, consider trusting yourself and what you learn, feel, and believe as you work through this process."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "Thanks for posting. This is a significant issue for many people and can make us feel helpless; among other emotions due to the uncertainty. You said that, at times, you feel like everyone is lying. Ask yourself some of these questions. What is it that makes you feel so strongly that they are lying? Where is the concrete evidence that they are lying? How could I test my thoughts about this? What if things are not what they seem on the surface? Am I any lesser of a person as a result of this person's behavior or opinion? Our beliefs about ourselves and the people and our world and how we interpret information and experiences have a significant effect on how we feel and how we behave. It is important to objectively challenge the beliefs that contribute to negative emotions. You can start this process by answering some of the above questions. We are unfortunately influenced by what and who we associate with. As it pertains to if God is a lie; be honest with yourself and question your beliefs that tell you that God is or is not real. It may be helpful for you to speak to a preacher or chaplain of some sort and they can help you with a lot of that. Hope this helps at least a little bit."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "The way that I see it is that Humans have always been afraid of life and death, historically we have always tried to understand life, we try to organize it, categorize it, explore it, and we've built up this system, our system and societies system around us to help us define what life and (death) is, this system or way is not real but only a perception of our own value judgements, it is, no matter how you try to argue it, a false system of conditioning, humans have a finite mind and a finite mind cannot ever hope to understand an infinite mind of which a god would be. God has been developed over time as a security blanket for our child-like selves, the world is a beautifully brutal place and what is more reassuring than a master that will take care of us and show us the way. On Earth alone there are thousands of gods and even many more systems of thought, economics, societal structures and so on, it is almost as though it were a supermarket with so many choices, we have more choices in gods than we do flavors of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins, so then I ask you, \"which one is real?, and \"what is real?\""}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "It is not a stupid question, it is very basic. To help answer your question, let me begin with the premise that you will never have absolute proof. With that being said, one can look at different phenomena in nature and history and figure what is the statistical probability that they happened randomly. If one comes to the logical conclusion that many are quite improbable, then there must be a guiding force and plan. May you be successful in your journey."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "Your question is actually thoughtful and reflects a true interest to know more about life.No one knows if god is a lie because \"god\" is a concept in which people either make up their own definition of this concept, or believe one of the concepts of what god is, handed down by religions.All the religions exclude the other god concepts, and expect loyalty to believing in their particular version of \"god\".Probably god is real in the sense that most people want to believe there is guided purpose to what goes on in life.This is as definite as what we can know about \"god\".\"God\" is not a lie because it is not a fact. Beliefs aren't provable."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?", "questionText": "Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?", "answerText": "Believing in God is amatter of faith. There are many opinions out there for and against Gods existence. But the real question is not if God is real or not, but, do you want to have faith and decide that he exists? This is a personal choice. Reading scripture may help to learn more about those who struggle with believing, but again, you decide if you believe that scripture is true or not. Praying and asking for a revelation or a confirmation may help as well, but again it is another act of faith. Estoy teniendo dificultad con la idea de: Dios es real o no?Tal vez es una pregunta estpida, pero algunas veces no s que es real o no. Siento que todo el mundo miente. Cmo se si Dios es una de esas mentiras?Creer en Dios es una cuestin de fe. Hay muchas opiniones en favor y en contra de la existencia de Dios. Pero la verdadera pregunta no es si Dios existe, pero si tu quieres creer que existe. Esto es una decisin muy individual. Leer la Biblia te puede ayudar a conocer sobre algunas personas que han dudado, pero de nuevo, tu decides si las escrituras son reales para ti. Orar y pedir una revelacin o confirmacin es otro acto de fe, que te puede ayudar."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "Seek deliverance from parts of your past youre struggling to let go. Ask the Holy Spirit or Higher Powerto help you mentally take those past experiences and lay them in trust at the foot of the cross for Jesus to handle. Acknowledge that holding onto the past is sin because it keeps you from obeying Gods call to move on.As you will see in the two verses I will list below, Jesus and the apostle Paul are telling us that we have to learn how to let go of our past. Jesus says that anyone who is trying to move forward in his walk and call for God but keeps looking back is not fit for the kingdom of God. But loves you and you are a child of the most high and it is time to cleanse and strip away this resentment. There are energy medicine and EFT exercises that I could show you. I will send him some positive vibes"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "Investigating how holding on to the past serves him and working to forgive the past, even grieve what could have been, while embracing the future. He could if he is open to it see a therapist. Perhaps he can rewrite (symbolically) the past and project a more positive stance or feeling towards it."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "Although it is difficult to move forward from past regrets, it is important for the health of your relationship that you find a way to reconcile this. A conversation with your fiance that focuses on what is good in your relationship and what makes it worth fighting for can help as a launching point for digging into the wounds from past choices/decisions. You cannot undo what has been done, and if both of you have past regrets let this be something that you begin to share with one another in a spirit of transparency.Healing begins when you can be honest with one another about your feelings and ask one another what is needed to move forward. If you are part of a church seek fellowship with other believers who will support you individually and as a couple. Reflect back on what your Christian background taught about God's forgiveness, what does that mean to you and to your fiance?Trust and commitment are essential in any dating/marital relationship. If your fiance is feeling insecure as a result of your past, help him to feel more secure by ensuring him of your love and commitment to him and the relationship. Consider pre-marital counseling as well if you have not already done so. It will give you and your fiance a safe place to process this further and build a solid foundation for your relationship as you move towards marriage. I hope that you and your fiance will find healing as you work through this and God's peace in your future together."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "Our actions unfortunately cannot be undone, and we all do things we regret. It is sometimes very hard for others to see past our worst behaviors and trying to force them to move forward or \"get over them\" doesn't usually work. Your fiance is probably grieving the losses and consequences that come with what have happened. I know that may be hard to understand, but desired a virgin for a wife, then he has to grieve the loss of that dream coming true. Also, if he is struggling with you having had sex with another person before, then he will need he may not be able to accept that.All of that to say, as a counselor who helps people everyday with sexual, relational and spiritual issues, I believe it may be helpful for you to help him grieve and connect with the tragedy of your past. Grieve with him. Let him know that you hurt too and wish you could have provided that for him. Listen to his heart and allow him to speak his pain. And after that, ask him to pray with you and do devotions with you. Encourage him to see a therapist. If ya'll are Christians, there are Christian therapists who can help him uncover the blocks that may be hindering him from moving forward."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "For you and your fiance to move past this, he needs to accept you just the way you are. Being that you mentioned that you both come from a Christian background, maybe you could start there, he needs to forgive and trust your love for him. His insecurities stem from something bigger than you not being a virgin. Since this is the man, you are willing to spend the rest of your life with, be patient and help him find the help he needs. Talk about your commitment to him and reassure him that your history does not have to affect your relationship. Lastly, Pre-Marital Counseling can help you and him to open up about other things that might affect the marriage later.God Bless You Both, Mirella~"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "You might ask your fiance about people who have let him down in the past; past hurts from parents, friends, people he has dated. If you are speaking about jealousy he may come from a divorced parent upbringing, may have seen parents cheat on one or the other, may have had partners cheat on him in the past. He may have fears that you may go off the \"straight and narrow\" once you get married. Listen to any concerns with patience and understanding, avoid being defensive.I would highly encourage pre-marital counseling to explore these things and individual counseling for himself to work on fears and anxieties. If he refuses and things do not improve I would consider postponing the wedding, things will not get better once you get married, only magnified.Finally show him Bible passages about forgiveness and worry and leaning on God with faith and hope for the future. God bless."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "You are right that his insecurities are at the root of the issue. You cannot change that for him. He will have to do the work to handle those emotions on his own. What you can do is reassure him in whatever ways possible, but always recognizing that you can't \"fix\" this for him. When I work with people who struggle with their partner's past experiences, I always frame it like this: Everything that you've experienced has resulted in you being the person you are today. The person they claim to love. If you had not gone through some of those experiences, you would not be in the position you're in now, ready to commit to him and know that you're satisfied with that. Just as when bad things happen to us, we have to find a way to appreciate the lessons learned your fiance has to accept that you're the person you are today because of what you have gone through. Celebrate that you have moved through that and have landed in this perfect position with him!Hope that helps,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "This suffering and clinging to the past, especially a troubled past or a past that we dont like, may be amplified due to the Christian framework that may be built into your life. I am not averse to religion, i just think that many times it puts unreasonable expectations on us and helps us to form a guilt complex or perhaps even insecurities, we are humans and humans make mistakes. you mention the straight and narrow, this is a notion that you must give up on and let go, humans can never travel the straight and narrow for their whole lives there are bounds to be mistakes, we are the most fallible species on the planet and please tell your fiance to have some mercy on himself, he is not perfect. Here is a story about clinging on to things you may find useful to mediate on:Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all -- young and old, rich and poor, good and evil -- the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, \"I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.\" The other creatures laughed and said, \"Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed against the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!\" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, \"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the messiah, come to save us all!\" And the one carried in the current said, \"I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.\" But they cried the more, \"Savior!\" all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a savior."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "Your patience with his pace of accepting your past, is the factor most in your control in this situation.Everyone accepts a new understanding at their own particular rate. Yours may be faster than his pace.Since it is possible he may accelerate his pace of accepting your past if he knows that this is a priority for you, tell him about your own discomfort .Even if knowing how you feel does not motivate him to a quicker pace of accepting your past, you will have the peace of mind to know you gave him all the information you possibly had to give."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "Sometimes we have difficulty keeping the past in the past. The best way to build a great relationship and have a great future, believe it or not, is to be firmly placed in the present. That means that when we stay in the moment with our partner and can notice what we are experiencing in the here and now we reap the best benefits of that relationship. We notice the good things that are happening in the moment. We are reacting to what we are experiencing in the moment, not reacting to a worry about the past. We notice, especially, who the person is right now and not who they were in the past. We can connect with the things we love about them, too.I think it is great that you want to help him and the choice to stay in the present and move forward in the relationship will mostly be up to him. We cannot change another person. It sounds like couples counseling might be a great step for you because you can both learn the skills you need to stay in the present and also learn some helpful \"active listening\" skills so that you can really listen to one another and understand each other. Communication skills can really be helpful. You can both have the opportunity to hear each other and support each other. We cannot change the past, but we can create the future we want.Best of luck to you both!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my fianc accept and let go of my past?", "questionText": "My fianc and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the \"straight and narrow\" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?", "answerText": "One of the sometimes difficult things about being in a relationship is the fact that you can make goals for yourself, but you can't make goals for your partner. If your fianc wants to learn to live more in the present and learn to let go of the past or move in a different direction, you can certainly assist him, but you can't independently make it happen.I wonder if both of you would be willing to have a discussion where he is able to explain to you what he is experiencing and you are able to listen for five, 10, 15 minutes in a way that is not blaming or pointing fingers or asking him to change, but just listening (kind of like an investigative reporter) so you can have more details and ask questions that you may have about what certain things mean, when it feels like to to him when this is discussed, etc. At that point, maybe he would willing to listen to your thoughts on the subject as well.Also, if he wants to make a change, it may be helpful to see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. Sometimes changes such as these require a great deal of personal awareness and there can be quite a bit of emotions attached, so it is often helpful to have someone there to assist.It may also be nice to have a discussion where you consider what makes you feel valued, appreciated, special, or loved, and also consider what makes your fianc feel that way."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry to hear that you don't feel as though your family would support you in embracing your true self. Because this is a very complex situation, I would encourage you to reach out to a local therapist who specializes in treating LGBTQ+ clients. An experienced therapist can help you to explore your feelings around your gender identity and assist in facilitating a discussion with your family or help you prepare to have that conversation on your own.I would also encourage you to contact national and local resources that can be tremendous sources of support. These include the following:GLBT National Youth Talkline - 1-800-246-7743Trans Lifeline - 1-877-656-8860Trevor LIfeline, TrevorChat, TrevorText - Text CHAT to 678-678 or call 1-866-488-7386At the end of the day, there is the family we are born with and the family that we choose. Give your family a chance, but if they refuse to accept you, know that there are people in this world who will appreciate you, validate you, and love you for who you are!"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "I encourage you to reach out to a counselor and get support. They can help you navigate your own feelings, and talk to you about how you can talk to your family. There are resources for you and for them and I see that some of the other counselors here have shared those resources with you. We don't know for sure how your family will react if and when you talk to them. However, it is important to consider how not telling them is limiting your life and the expression of your preferred gender. My concern is for you and how this might be having an impact on you. Working with a therapist might give you some insights into how you might tell your family. It might create an opportunity for you to also tell them with the assistance of a professional. Ultimately, you know what is best for you and telling them is your decision, and I encourage you to weigh out all the options with a therapist. I wish you the best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "No religion stops a person from being themselves. Gender is self-identified and not the one assigned at birth. Few families need sensitiation program for them to understand that their child is perfectly normal and gender dysphoria or gender incongruence is normal."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "If you want to get some help in how to navigate what you want to do, contact a therapist and schedule sessions so that they can create a space to explore your choices."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Its painful to want to be what you are actually. God loves you. Despite your religious beliefs you need to be tru to yourself. Talk to a common high that you can relate to. Be you."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Hello,This is a really tough question and there are no easy answers to this, however, I can recommend that first of foremost, it is important that you learn to accept yourself. This is easier said than done, and I can acknowledge and validate that sentiment. All to well, I have worked with clients such as yourself who struggle to learn how to accept themselves in the face of what appears to be insurmountable obstacles. Nevertheless, it is POSSIBLE! It begins with finding a good counselor who can walk with you through this journey to self-acceptance. I cannot and neither can anyone guarantee that your family will change and accept you (although I have seen in my work with clients like yourself where the family has moved from intolerance to tolerance with the ultimate goal of acceptance), it does not mean that some change is possible. As stated earlier, I highly recommend that you talk with a counselor, psychologist, psychotherapist, etc. who specializes in this area."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "I understand that this must be a difficult time for you with many adjustments. If you feel comfortable enough to ask your parents to see a Life Coach or a therapist, this may be an excellent place to start. You dont need to tell them the reason why maybe say that you simply need someone to talk to for support with school or homework etc. The Life Coach or therapist would be the optimal person to advise you on how to proceed with providing support and guidance. There may be someone at your school whom you could talk to for confidential support and guidance as well. Be confident in the fact that you are not alone and there are always responsible adults available to guide you through any difficult process you may experience in life. Talking to family about personal issues can be difficult for anyone, even adults. I recommend getting help from a trusted, professional adult before you decide what to do."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Desire to inhabit the opposite sex's body derives from too fast of a re-entry into a new (feminine) body, after being released in a previous life, from an old (masculine) body.You remember the previous life's connection with the masculine experience and body, and wish to find a way to be more comfortable.We will approach this matter, spiritually, and I reckon you'll feel a great deal better :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "It is really important for you to be comfortable with your identity. With that said, it is also so important for you to be safe. It may be helpful for you to find supports (in your life, community, or online) that you can talk about how you feel and potentially gain supportive persons if your family does not accept you. It will be really important to connect with others and even a counselor to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Chances are your family already knows, they are probably just waiting on confirmation from you to say it. A parent knows their child."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Spirituality for those in the LGBTQ community can be one of the more difficult roads. Unfortunately, many unjustly ostracize members of the LGBTQ community away from faith and spirituality. I believe that folks can embrace the identity that is genuine to them, and still maintain their spiritual beliefs! Briefly, the keys are to first monitor how we allow those in our life to influence our thoughts and emotions. We need to create standards and boundaries to protect ourselves. We also need to not project the judgment of other people onto our individual spiritual beliefs! There are many ways in which to tackle this effort!"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "Ultimately, to suppress your natural identity will work against you.However difficult, painful, frightening, it is to tell your family about your discovery about who you are, trying to avoid your own truth will do you harm eventually.One way to make this conversation easier for yourself is to prepare yourself for the outcomes you expect and know will be difficult.Take as much time as you need to accept the potential rejection because this way iff and when it comes you will be better able to handle it."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion", "questionText": "I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?", "answerText": "First of all, I want to say, I am so sorry you are not feeling accepted by your family. I know how isolating and lonely this can be. The most important step you can take right now is building a community of supportive people who do accept you. Creating your own sense of community is very powerful for helping you love yourself. If you can find a trans support or LGBTQ support group in your area, I recommend seeking that out right away through your local LGBTQ center or PFLAG. If you dont have access to that, I recommend calling Trans Lifeline US: 877-565-8860 Canada: 877-330-6366 https://www.translifeline.org/. You can talk to other trans-identified people anonymously for support, calling them from wherever you feel safe. This is a great way to begin to connect with other people who have similar experiences to you. Next, think of this time in your life as your time to explore your gender identity, just for yourself. Make room to explore you gender identity in ways that are private and comfortable for you. Consider reading a book like: https://www.newharbinger.com/queer-and-transgender-resilience-workbook to explore who you are and build resilience. Also, consider learning about other religions that are accepting of LGBTQ folks for another perspective - there are many out there! Once you feel you have a strong support system outside of your family and a positive sense of self-love (which can take time, be patient, dont rush it), then you can consider what action steps you want to take with your family. If you are still living with your family or financially depend on them, having other supports in place first is very important. Its a very personal choice how you want to navigate your family relationships, talk it through in-depth with a trusted friend, other trans folks, or therapist to help you decide whats right for you.And remember, there are tons of people out there who will love and accept you. We are rooting for you!In solidarity,-Lindsey"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "What exactly is it that you are looking for? Different people define themselves in different ways. For example, one person may define himself by his values and morals while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics. Still, another person may define himself by his interests and hobbies. Learning who you are as a person can take time and life experience. At the same time, who you are may change according to what experiences you have had and how you have dealt with them or felt about them. Try viewing the journey of finding yourself as exciting and ongoing. Allow yourself to feel emotions and learn how they relate to theexperiences you have. This may help youto know more about what you value, what you like and dislike, and what you want for yourself in life.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "This is perhaps the deepest question that one can ask of themselves and the answer is as elusive as the deepest enigma. We are fluid beings, we are never the same from day to day, we learn or unlearn, we evolve or some of us even devolve, we are in a state of constant flux, changing and adapting, like a cloud in the sky that has its shape changed by the wind, life whittles us away and carves us constantly, trying to understand this question is like trying to bite your own teeth, however we can have a sense of what we would call our core and to understand the core, we need to live and to experience, but also to think deeply, analytically, and critically, by engaging with life we get a sense that we are like the Earth itself, inside of us there is a core, just as there is inside our planet but our continents shift and change over time, like those continents so does our own nature shift throughout our lives."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "Because you put this under the category of spirituality, I'm not sure whether you are asking how you find yourself as far as religious or spiritual beliefs or overall.If you are talking about learning more about religious or spirituality, consider either going to or speaking with someone who is involved with a nondenominational church service (the Salvation Army usually has something) so you can discuss questions or ideas that you may have.As far as finding yourself in general, I suggest considering what makes you happy and/or comfortable. I also wonder if looking at the list of values here may be helpful to you:http://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values-clarification"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "This quiet wonder that you have is something you can easily explore. There is a part of you that you can access anytime, anywhere. It is the part that has always been with you. Find a quiet place where you can be alone for a while and get comfortable. Settle in. Let your thoughts go by like a river.Stay with that connection for a while. What you find in the silence is yours alone, your \"you\"."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "The older I get, the more I believe that our real task isn't to 'find' ourselves. We're already 100% \"there.\" What we do have to do is become more mindful of the times when we feel the most alive, most happy, most creative, and most fully engaged with life. It is in those moments that we find ourselves.For example, I couldn't help loving the people or things I loved, no matter who tried to talk me out of them. All I needed to do was notice when my heart opened and I felt the most alive--not because I was afraid or addicted, but because in those moments, I was in contact with my highest self.On the flip side, I needed to recognize the people and activities that consistently brought out the worst in me--the ones that made me feel controlled, constricted, dishonest, resentful, or afraid--and be honest about them.Mindfulness of \"what already is\" is the key to finding yourself. Align yourself with the people and activities that matter most to you. Don't let old habits, crappy jobs, or mean-spirited people define you. Just stumble your way forward as best you can, with greater self-awareness followed by affirmative action.."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "Three years ago I attended a week long meditation retreat. By the fifth day I noticed I was light headed and felt very strange. I began to realize within my own being an experience of no separation. I would see others at the retreat and smile. I loved them all. I could feel the connection with this awareness I had read about but never truly understood until that moment. I remember understanding all the teachings I had learned throughout my life about a god who existed outside of me. I realized I had all these answeres within my own being and so did everyone else. I began to see everyone as not just capable but powerful loving beings. Since this experience it has been my desire for everyone to become conscious within whatever experience they wish. I do this in many ways.At our studio we combine Mental Health with yoga and meditation as well as nutrition counseling to help people come to their optimal selves. To truly come into a state of \"finding yourself,\" is to start to know and own who you are from a state of solid being. In this there is nothing new under the sun, and it is very simple. I would love to teach you and anyone interested in coming into a state of awake conciousness. The more awake we are the more joyful we are. I live in this state of being and demonstrate it in my daily life."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "Therapy may be an effective way for you to get a stronger sense of who you are. A competent therapist will work to create a safe and curious therapeutic relationship in which you can explore your identity. There are also many different exercises which you can do in and out of therapy which you may find helpful in this area as well."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "Start by giving yourself enough quiet and time to remember about yourself what feels steady and consistent in your nature and interactions with others.Give yourself the freedom to your interest in having interests. Are you motivated because of competing with others or because an activity itself feels satisfying?If you are able to develop a sense of defining yourself without fear of judging yourself, you will start coming close to knowing who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find myself?", "questionText": "I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.", "answerText": "I'm having the same issue... I think you need to consider your morals and what you really want out of life. If there's something you want to achieve, that's who you are. And you need to put yourself into that and immerse yourself in the purpose of whatever you want. It doesn't matter how small it may seem. If there's nothing you want badly then think about other things. What others want or what you need or what others need. Find something that feels important and commit to it."}, {"questionTitle": "Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me if we had sex as Christians?", "questionText": "I'm a Christian teenage girl, and I have lost my virginity. My boyfriend is a Christian teenager too, but things just got out of hand between us in a sexual manner. I planned to abstain from sex but I guess I wasn't clear about this because I was also tempted and led him on. We continued to have sex. Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me? We're so young, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming of a potential future together. I really do feel like he is in my life for an important reason. I'm incredibly happy for I was able to escape from several abusive relationships because of him. I love him very much.", "answerText": "Having sex with your boyfriend is and was a mistake. Mistakes can be forgiven and you can make amends.But it is not the end of your relationship or God's will for you.Have a serious talk with your guy and get back on track with where you want to be. Talk to a counselor or your priest/pastor. Get someone to be your guide and mentor. Check in with them regularly.Getting back to square one could actually strengthen your relationship.Have a plan for the future where you will not be put into a place of temptation. Group dates, public places and no alone time where temptations might arise.Forgive yourself and move on."}, {"questionTitle": "Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me if we had sex as Christians?", "questionText": "I'm a Christian teenage girl, and I have lost my virginity. My boyfriend is a Christian teenager too, but things just got out of hand between us in a sexual manner. I planned to abstain from sex but I guess I wasn't clear about this because I was also tempted and led him on. We continued to have sex. Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me? We're so young, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming of a potential future together. I really do feel like he is in my life for an important reason. I'm incredibly happy for I was able to escape from several abusive relationships because of him. I love him very much.", "answerText": "I'm not a super religious person... But I can't imagine that if you love him that much and you want him that much, that he wouldn't be the one for you because of something small like that. Sex is an act of love and commitment. If you feel that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life, want to marry them, then why should you have to wait until marriage? If you truly feel that this is the person you want to be with, then why would you need to wait until marriage if you're just showing commitment to each other?"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm dating a boy that my religious parents don't like, and I'm having trouble finding my identity", "questionText": "I'm a young adult woman, and I have trouble finding my true identity being at home. This all started when I had a boyfriend about 10 months ago. My boyfriend and I were dating for a couple months and decided to get in to sexual acts. At the time, I was pretty religious, but I let this happen. I don't know why. I felt kind of guilty but mostly because I know my parents wouldn't like it. My parents are very religiousthey're Christians. We did things every time he'd come over to my house. We didn't have anything to do at our house, so we would get tempted to do things when we'd watch movies by ourselves. One day, my parents found out I did this stuff with him because my dad read my messages. As soon as my dad found this out, he told my mom. They were both aggravated. They told me he was just a boy that wanted to get inside my pants. They said he wanted me for sex and he's not a Christian. I took their advice and broke up with him. Once we broke up for about a month, I decided to get back together with him a little after school started. My parents found out eventually, and I decided to not listen this time. I would constantly talk to my boyfriend about what they say about him: how's he's not the right one for me, and God totally forbids him. I would kind of try to break up with him, and then eventually I would just never listen to my parents. They're always yelling at me about how I shouldn't date this boy. I felt too old to listen to them. Now I'm kind of just stuck. Is the real me religious? Have I been brainwashed by him? I don't talk to my parents anymore about him, and my parents think I'm deceiving because of it. They threatened me that if I'm still with him, I can't do track and they won't support me. They've also called me slut, and now they called me basically a devil worshipper. They say my boyfriend is taking me away from my parents. I'm actually very happy with him. They also say I'm living a separate life at home than I am at school. They say they want what's best for me and love me because they adopted me.", "answerText": "What a tough situation you must be in, feeling torn between your parents and someone who is very special to you. I would say the first thing you want to do is(if you haven't already), have a calm reciprocal conversation with your parents, telling them how you feel and lettingthem know what you need from them. If communication attempts are unsucessful then you will need to make a decision with how you would like to move forward. You, unfortunately, will not be able to change your parent's feelings or opinions but you can agree to disagree on certain matters by keeping them separate from therelationship you have with your parents. It always helps to try and see things from another angle. You might want to, for example, try and understand your parent's perspectives and let them know you understand that they are upset. Validating other's feelings can be very helpful with communicating effectively. Are you living with your parents and do they support you? If so, are you willing to give that up should you decide to not followtheir rules? Know that there is nothing wrong with being happy with someone or loving somebody so deeply. Your feelings and actions certainly do not make you brainwashed or a devil worshipper.Not everyone will always approve of the choiceswe make and sometimes we need to be okay with that. Best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "My son and family has different views about religion. How do I resolve these differences?", "questionText": "In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs.", "answerText": "I think the best thing you can do is be respectful of each family member's wishes. Although everyone may not agree with one another, the most important thing you can do for each other is to respect their faith and beliefs instead of trying to sway them in a certain direction.There are many families that are united despite their differences. For example, a mother may be Catholic and the father Jewish. By introducing the children to each faith until they are ready to decide for themselves can be beneficial.Also, it's not uncommon for views to change as one ages or faces different life experiences. So don't get too discouraged if your child wants to explore different avenues.Creating a loving and accepting environment is most essential."}, {"questionTitle": "My son and family has different views about religion. How do I resolve these differences?", "questionText": "In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs.", "answerText": "You have an opportunity, but you haven't described a problem. (Are you creating one?) Many families have various members who have different spiritual beliefs and religious practices. Accepting the idea that those with whom we are close may be different from us is the only way to create a world of peace. This may be a wonderful opportunity to practice tolerance and love. If mutual decisions need to be made in religious contexts, you may also get to practice boundary setting, assertiveness (without aggression), communication skills, and loving kindness. This is a great problem to work through! It is indeed a very spiritual question. Blessings to you all, ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "How does holding on to this serve you? Not becoming married to the trauma will be key. Recreating your life and what that means, what you want it to be. Considering who you would be, what would life be like had this not occurred, not letting it usurp your life. Take your power back. Releasing any feelings of resentment, shame, regret. Going as far as to grieve and forgive what could have been and this part of your life history, life story. If you are open you can write a letter saying what you are still feeling and you can choose even to write the response you would love to receive, and then release it by burning it (safely) or throwing it away! Its a daily practice, to find peace around this. Have you ever considered the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or Hot yoga?"}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Often people with extensive trauma have difficulty talking about it. This lessens the impact of traditional talk therapy and there benefits. There is a helpful therapy called EMDR that is limited in the amount of talking and also has quick benefits for the reduction of symptoms. For those who are in great distress you can also complete EMDR therapy every day if you would like/have the means. This can quicken the recovery time from these distressing life events."}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "I understand and just so you know you can move forward , Break the glass. In your own time. If this new person is right for you they will stay around . You want someone that can walk the path forward with you in relationships if seeking commitment. If not maybe this person is here to help or if it is reminding you then you need seek answers. Get a tarot reading or a crystal reading find out what is around to help guide you. Talk to a spiritual advisor."}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "There is a modality developed by Pia Mellody called \"Post induction therapy\" (PIT). The work has been continued by Jan Bergstrom who wrote the book: \"Gifts From A Challenging Childhood.The premise of the work is that you can \"reparent\" those wounded parts of you. A quote from Jan's book is, \"If it's hysterical, it's historical.\"I've done this sort of work myself and its been hugely beneficial for my relationship.The idea is when \"triggered\" by my partner, I'm going to request space and affirm, validate and even love that younger part of myself that's hurting and remind them that I (as the functional adult I am) can handle my partner. Basically, I'm practicing getting in a more centered space and thus, I'm able to be more relational.This is a practice, but the idea is to provide some separation from the trigger and an automatic reaction. You can do it, especially if you love him and he's worth it."}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Unresolved issues/ Unresolved past - using Gestalt therapy, one does gets a closure to their unresolved emotions. Try talking to a therapist !"}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "I would recommend finding an EMDR therapist. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. As an EMDR therapist can attest to the massive changes that using EMDR has had for many of the people I have worked with."}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Trauma=Trauma Therapy. It's time to stop avoiding what happened and work on it! Brainspotting or EMDR are two very powerful ways to treat Trauma, get into therapy and work on it. Another thing you can do is talk to your partner about it, if you're ready, and hopefully he is ready to love all of you. I would definitely do some Brainspotting and/or Bodyspotting to see where the trauma has been living all this time! Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "You are so brave to come out and talk about your trauma! I hope it started helping you with your healing process. I think you have good instinct, often past especially past trauma can hold us back in areas we aren't even aware of since you have spent so much time trying to compensate and feel ok. It's important to continue to seek the right therapist to help you process your trauma, identify triggers and work through them. Once you start doing this hard work you will start to feel better, and it won't affect your life as much as it is today. If you are comfortable I would share what you can with your current partner, even if it's just to say that you have experienced trauma in your past. This way it will help your partner be more empathetic and understand that you are trying to work through it but it will take time."}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry that you have been haunted by the past for so long. It must have been incredibly difficult to open up about something so dark and vulnerable. But by shedding light on it you have already taken the first step toward healing.Trauma can wreak havoc on relationships if it isn't healed. In fact, we are all reacting to things every day based on perceptions colored by our past experiences. The good news is, you can heal by gaining an understanding of how trauma from the past is affecting you now, developing healthy coping skills, and working through those memories and emotions with a therapist.This will require some \"rewiring of the brain,\" meaning that you will identify the negative thought patterns and beliefs, and replace them with something more helpful. For example, if your negative reaction feels like \"I'm abandoned and alone,\" you might work on changing it to \"I can get my needs met, and I'll be okay regardless.\" Or if you find yourself feeling like \"I'm not worthy of love,\" you might change that to something like \"I deserve to be loved.\"Most likely, the reason you're pushing this man away is because something about this relationship is triggering negative beliefs and emotions from the past, and your reaction (by pushing him away) protects you in some way even though there may not be any real danger now. You probably know this logically, but trauma gets stuck in our emotional mind which you can't reason with!That's why you have to work through the emotions to be able to see things more clearly from a new and more helpful perspective. I like to think of emotions like clouds that block the sun and make it difficult to see anything clearly. If we ignore and avoid the clouds all the time then we will spend our lives looking at the ground. If you can learn to safely weather the storm, you'll find that before long it will pass and you'll be able to see things clearly again.I recommend working with a therapist who is trained in treating trauma and who you feel comfortable with because they will be able to tailor treatment to your specific needs. You can have the happy life and healthy relationship you desire and deserve!"}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "It may not feel like it, but you are in a great spot! You know what is holding you back! It sounds like you want to deal with your past and find healing, so you can move forward in freedom. Trauma is life-altering and at any age, especially when we are young. Meeting with a counselor who works from a trauma-informed perspective would probably be beneficial, as there can be so many layers to the effects of trauma.More good news: you have met a very loving and caring man! Since he is loving and caring, he most likely will want to support you in healing. Honesty and vulnerability in safe spaces build intimacy; have you considered sharing with him what's behind your distancing behaviors? You may have an ally in your healing just waiting to be allowed in. You are headed in the right direction to get your life back considering therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "I'm going to second that it is completely brave of you to share something you kept hidden for over 30 years. That's a HUGE deal!Something awesome about the brain is that it can learn at any time in the human lifespan. No matter how long you have dealt with the affects of trauma, your brain has potential to rewire and change how it operates.This is just my assumption, but it sounds like you are just realizing the impact the trauma has had and is continuing to have on your life. First of all, that's phenomenal information--many people spend their lives blind to these influences and may never get help. On the other hand, it can be super overwhelming to now have all this insight about yourself and not know how to deal with it. It's OK to feel that uncertainty and/or stress about the process--that's totally expected and will most likely feel less powerful the more you move through healing.I understand your fears about pushing away someone you care about and that seems important to you. That's quite a normal behavior as a result of childhood trauma. When we are first learning our relationship to others and the world as children, trauma can teach us that others are unsafe or may hurt us. Almost all my clients have experienced childhood trauma and one of the things we spend time exploring is what they may be trying to protect themselves from by pushing others away. Vulnerability can be scary for everybody, but why specifically is it scary for you? I bet there's a really logical reason!It's unclear how long you've known this man and how connected you feel to him, but could he potentially be a support person for you? If you feel uncomfortable with that, that doesn't mean anything bad. It just means you aren't ready. It's not easy to talk about such hard things. It does seem like you know that you behave in ways that push him away--what would your behavior look like if you didn't? That doesn't mean sharing everything or no boundaries, but meeting him somewhere in the middle. Sometimes the brain needs evidence that being vulnerable doesn't always equate to danger or rejection.As others have noted, a counselor can help if you so choose to go that route. I can't say what your journey will look like, but I already have so much hope for you since you are obviously incredibly courageous and motivated to work to make your life better. If 8 year old you can make it through trauma, then 40 year old you can definitely work through this!"}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "You already are doing that! You are reaching out (virtually still counts!). You are accepting your past, you are not denying what happened to you, you are talking about the past. You are already doing a great job of starting this journey. You get your life back by doing things differently.I would think about how you would like to process your past. Do you want to talk to someone? Do you want to write about it? Do you want to pray about it? Do you want to read and research books about trauma? Take some time and think about what you want to do. Think about what would work for you and dive in. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, so I am biased - but I really believe that counseling works. Having an objective, professional voice that can guide you on this process is so valuable. But please choose what makes you feel comfortable - not what everyone else says. I think you are very brave for reaching out and wanting to work on this. That takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength."}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry you had that horrible experience!It's common for those who've experienced childhood trauma(s) to not disclose the events until later in life. Sometimes it doesn't feel safe enough to share the information until the person who hurt them is far away, or even dead.Trusting and vulnerability are difficult, especially when we've been hurt. So, it's not uncommon for clients to share that their desire to be close to their loved one (emotionally, physically and/or sexually) doesn't match the reality of what they are able to actually experience.But, there is hope!You have met a loving and caring man, and you have a self-awareness that you did not experience before. I am confident that the help of a licensed professional counselor (preferably trained in trauma recovery) can help you navigate this healing journey and help you gain the tools needed for the life you want."}, {"questionTitle": "My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?", "questionText": "There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life. I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40. Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past Im pushing him away. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Have you explained to your prospective partner about the feeling of vulnerability which you've got?Disclosing one's truth to a trusted person will improve your sense of feeling safe and loved. It may also take off the pressure you feel to complete your own trajectory of making peace with your past burdens of ilife.If you find your possible new partner is patient and understanding, then you've both removed pressure off yourself and will feel validated and loved for speaking your plain truth and finding it well accepted.If you continue to hide your deeper complexity, or if you explain yourself and ask for the person's patience and understanding, and he avoids giving this to you, then you're better off knowing sooner than later the limits of understanding which this potential partner has."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "Have you tried counseling? Having PTSD from multiple abusive sexual experiences is very overwhelming for one to handle alone. You may need the guidance, experience and support of a professional to identify all the triggers that effect you and obtain the best coping skills that would work for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "Often people with extensive trauma have difficulty talking about it. This lessens the impact of traditional talk therapy and there benefits. There is a helpful therapy called EMDR that is limited in the amount of talking and also has quick benefits for the reduction of symptoms. For those who are in great distress you can also complete EMDR therapy every day if you would like/have the means. This can quicken the recovery time from these distressing life events."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "When anyone has experienced a traumatic event, triggers can be a normal result. Your brain is wired for survival. When a traumatic event takes place, it can cause your brain to go into a hypervigilant state, thinking that it needs to constantly protect itself. This is not an indication that something is wrong with you. It just means that your brain is doing a really great job of protecting you! Therapy can help you find your \"off\" switch."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "Even if the triggers are having a negative impact on your life, it is really insightful of you to be able to identify your triggers. The effects of trauma often impact us, our functioning, and our relationships with other people. It is possible to learn ways to cope with your trauma. Coping skills are not a one size fits all, it is important to find what skill works for what trigger. Therapy will help you process your trauma, identify your thoughts and feelings, teach you coping skills, and help you enhance your personal safety."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "Talking about it stops it from being a secret. It takes courage to have posted your question and that is the first step. Here is an article I wrote a few years back.http://abuseisnotasecret.com/why-abuse-is-not-your-fault/One day at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "I'm glad you're willing to keep optimistic about life improving and offering better relationships than some of the ones in which you greatly suffered.One suggestion is to develop patience with yourself and the process of regaining your willingness to trust other people.Sexual intimacy engages all of who we truly are. Being cautious as to who and how much you allow someone into your life, is natural for anyone recovering from trauma.Allow yourself to withdraw when situations feel dangerous. Your sense of danger is most likely on higher alert than had you not been victimized.Be attentive and cooperate with your own sense of readiness to engage in conversation, discussions and sex with your partner.Explain all this to your partner so the person can develop their own patience with your recuperation process."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.", "answerText": "I encourage you to seek out and work with a therapist who specializes in treating complex trauma. Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, and Internal Family Systems Therapy are all highly effective treatments for people dealing with complex trauma. If you are interested in reading a book that is supportive and compassionate, Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score is a wonderful book that discusses treatment options in depth."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with the loss of someone I love?", "questionText": "My good childhood friend died suddenly as a teenager. I haven't seen him in four years and haven't talked to him in months yet somehow this hurts me more than I could ever imagine. It's been about three months since his passing, and I'm still not sure how to cope with this.", "answerText": "Often people with extensive trauma have difficulty talking about it. This lessens the impact of traditional talk therapy and there benefits. There is a helpful therapy called EMDR that is limited in the amount of talking and also has quick benefits for the reduction of symptoms. For those who are in great distress you can also complete EMDR therapy every day if you would like/have the means. This can quicken the recovery time from these distressing life events."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with the loss of someone I love?", "questionText": "My good childhood friend died suddenly as a teenager. I haven't seen him in four years and haven't talked to him in months yet somehow this hurts me more than I could ever imagine. It's been about three months since his passing, and I'm still not sure how to cope with this.", "answerText": "Death of someone with whom we had fond involvement, is sad. Accepting that a person is permanently gone from this earth, is unsettling and can feel painful.That you had no current contact with this person doesn't exclude the meaning or feelings from within your relationship with this person. Relationships don't require a time measurement in order to affect us. Your question acknowledges the process of adjusting to life without the chance to see or hear from this person again.It is normal to grieve so be gentle and not critical of yourself when you feel yourself missing this person."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with the loss of someone I love?", "questionText": "My good childhood friend died suddenly as a teenager. I haven't seen him in four years and haven't talked to him in months yet somehow this hurts me more than I could ever imagine. It's been about three months since his passing, and I'm still not sure how to cope with this.", "answerText": "I am truly sorry for your loss.His passing has triggered some uneasy emotions. Do you know what these emotions are as you are trying to cope? Be aware, that \"coping\" is not processing. Coping means that the problem is always there, and you are \"managing\" rather than healing. And, as you know, that isn't working.Emotional pain comes in waves, which can also cause physical symptoms of anxiety, frustration, and sadness. Rather than coping (avoiding) your feelings, give yourself time to process them. Invite your feelings in when you feel the wave of emotions. Focus on what is going on physically in your body with compassion and curiosity. This will begin your healing process to bring you a sense of peace.Remember, emotions are messengers that help us develop insight into our psychological (and physiological) wellbeing.Please contact me with any questions or more information.~ Catherine"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Hi!This is a great question!The term you are looking for is alexithymia, the inability to identify and describe emotions in the self. However, just because you are not able to feel or express emotions, does not mean that you do not have emotions.After such a traumatic event that you experienced, your central nervous system goes into defensive mode (dorsal vagal nerves) that protect you from any further harm. What this means is if you were to feel your emotions related to your rape, you would have a sense of being overwhelmed, possibly re-experiencing the traumatic event.Not feeling emotions is your body's way of protecting you from any further trauma. Unfortunately, when the (parasympathetic) dorsal vagal system (shutting down feeling) is activated and suppresses your painful emotions (pain, shame, guilt, sadness, anger), it also shuts down your positive and relational emotions (love, joy, contentment, connectedness, happiness).I am very sorry that you had to go through such a traumatic experience as being raped. No one knows what is going on inside of you as a result. You don't know what is happening to your emotional wellbeing! The best (and at times, difficult and scary) thing is to process your emotions related to your trauma. This processing is done carefully, with a trained counselor, in a place that you feel safe, heard, and not judged. Although the thought of proceedings (addressing) emotions may be anxiety-inducing, it brings on a huge sense of relief and validation.What you are going through is normal, considering what happened to you! I hope you reach out for more help.If you have any questions feel free to contact me, Catherine atclevelandemotionalhealth.com"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry you've been hurt. It's very normal to stop feeling emotions as a way to protect yourself after experiencing a traumatic event. You can think of it as emotional shock-- you experienced something that was so awful that you have numbed yourself (mind and body) as a way to stop the emotional and physical pain of the event. It's actually pretty amazing that our selves know how to do this automatically. And, I hear you saying that you'd like to get some feeling back now.So here are some ideas for how you can change this:I think it would be a great idea to find an experienced therapist you like and trust and/or a good support group so that you can have some allies as you go through this process. You also could try journaling. If you're not sure what to write then check out this list of prompts to get you started (it's for teachers, but I really like it). There's also art journaling. Pinterest has lots of suggestions.Meditation could be useful. There are lots of apps available that offer guided meditations.Yoga, tai chi, or chi gong might also help.I have lots of other ideas, but without knowing more about you I'm reluctant to make suggestions that could accidentally make you feel worse. IThis protective mechanism of numbing yourself kicked in for a good reason and as you get your feelings back, you may find some pretty challenging reactions coming up. I guess my final piece of advice to is encourage you to trust yourself and gently go at your own pace in your healing. I hope this was helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Terrible things do happen in life, and I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. Please rest assured that you are not a sociopath, and that your reactions are normal responses to traumatic events. I'm guessing you are experiencing a sense of numbness, which is a common response to trauma. The best thing you can do is to get some trauma counseling with a professional counselor. As you process your experience, you will be able to feel emotions again. However, the first feelings to come back may be related to trauma, such as fear, panic, and a sense of hyper vigilance. A professional counselor will be able to help you tolerate these feelings, manage them, and heal from your trauma."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Its common to feel numb after a distressing event like this, you are not alone.Often people with extensive trauma have difficulty talking about it. This lessens the impact of traditional talk therapy and there benefits. There is a helpful therapy called EMDR that is limited in the amount of talking and also has quick benefits for the reduction of symptoms. For those who are in great distress you can also complete EMDR therapy every day if you would like/have the means. This can quicken the recovery time from these distressing life events."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "You have experienced trauma. Feeling detached or having difficulty connecting with your emotions is a common response after experiencing a traumatic event. It is the brain's way of trying to protect us from something that is incredibly overwhelming. I recommend finding an EMDR therapist.Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. As an EMDR therapist can attest to the massive changes that using EMDR has had for many of the people I have worked with. When weexperience a trauma, the sooner we can address it with EMDR, the quicker you will feel relief and the less likely it is to become \"stuck\" in your long termmemory."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "So believe it or not, this is actually very common. First off, take a deep breath. It does NOT mean that you're a sociopath. All it means is that your brain has shifted into \"survival mode\" for a time and might need a little support to get back to normal. Our brain can play tricks on us after a trauma. One thing that most people experience is the desire to \"push away\" or to avoid reminders of the trauma which include feelings of anxiety, guilt, anger, fear, and sometimes shame. And, if you think about it, that's entirely understandable. Who would want to feel those yucky feelings or to be reminded of the trauma? But here is the catch... the more we try to push those unpleasant emotions away, the more we are actually pushing away our ability to experience positive feelings. Emotions such as happiness, excitement, or closeness with loved ones become increasingly difficult to access. MOST trauma survivors will experience this \"emotional blunting\" and is actually one of the things we look for when giving a diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.But there is good news! Specialized trauma therapy using evidence-backed approaches can help us to experience the emotions we're trying to push away in a safe environment. It's like our brain needs to fully \"digest\" what happened in order to return to emotional balance. There are several approaches that can help you recover after a rape (or other traumas). These might include:Cognitive Processing TherapyProlonged Exposure TherapyWritten Exposure TherapyEye Movement Desensitization ReprocessingWhen you're considering looking for a therapist, I'd strong encourage you to look for someone trained specifically in one of these approaches. There are mountains of research studies showing that these therapies have the best success rate when recovering from things like rape, a life threatening experience, a natural disaster, or other traumatic experiences.Breathe in, breathe out. You survived and life CAN get better. Trauma therapy is usually time limited (3-4 months) and can help you take your life back. You can do this!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "The fact that you are concerned shows that you absolutely have emotions about lacking emotions. Seems like you fear that you are becoming a sociopath, and that alone shows you have emotions.It is incredibly normal to feel \"numb\" after a trauma like rape. The emotional impact of rape can be beyond overwhelming, which the brain responds to by basically suppressing those circuits from awareness. It doesn't mean your emotions don't exist--you brain is just trying to protect you from feeling them. Because our brains aren't great at selectively burying emotions, it tends to take them all at once. So when new, emotionally upsetting events happen, the brain sees allowing any emotion through as a threat to the system, so to speak.Speaking to a counselor could help to process through how you are feeling about lacking emotion. If you search in your area or online for a telehealth therapist, chances are you will find a therapist that has a background in treating trauma that would suit your specific needs. That may mean that they will recommend talking through your trauma, which can seem like a very daunting task; however, the sooner you process through it, the less it has the power to take over your life.It's actually really astonishing that you are reaching out for help and I so hope you are able to find what you need!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "I don't need to tell you that this is an incredible amount of serious stuff to happen in a short period. When we go through a trauma, it is natural for us to shut down as a way to protect ourselves. A kind of freeze response. Think of a possum or a gazelle. These animals go so far as to physically freeze in protection. Our emotions do the same thing sometimes. We feel shut down and that can be strange---a kind of disconnection. This does not mean that you are sociopath or that your feelings will never come back. The amazing thing though is that as time moves forward we naturally heal and emotions come back. If you feel stuck, seeking counseling is a way to help accelerate this healing and help you work through and begin healing. Wishing you the absolute best!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Im sorry to know this happened to you! This is a normal response to traumatic events. When we are pushed to the extreme and we are unable to escape, we freeze which numbs us from pain but disconnects us from our bodies. We oftentimes continue to feel that disconnection until we work through these traumas. I would suggest working through your traumas with a therapist with methods like EMDR, somatic experiencing, yoga therapy, etc to get your emotions and fullness of life back!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry this has happened to you! I hope you have some people you find emotionally supportive around you! In terms of your question, I understand what you are talking about. Sometimes when a person experiences a traumatic event, an event called Dissociation occurs. Dissociation is the brain's way of temporary creating and increasing \"emotional distance\" between what is happening and what you are feeling and experiencing. This is a kind of natural coping mechanism, and it can occur just prior to, during, and after an event has occurred. People describe the feeling as being \"numb,\" or detached from others, their surroundings, and even from their own body. All of these descriptions are accurate and they are your brain's attempt to try and keep you safe from emotions that may otherwise overwhelm you. This is good, in the short-term, because you are not having to immediately face and cope with the immensely painful feelings associated with your trauma. But it is also not-so-good in that it also blocks your ability to feel positive and pleasurable emotions. So while your brain is protecting you, it is also preventing feelings you need now more than ever (such as regaining a sense of safety, soothing your hurts, and feeling empowered for your survival).You are not a sociopath, so do not worry about that, but I would strongly recommend that you consider seeing a therapist or other supportive mental health professional to help you work through what is happened. There are ways for you to heal from your experience which will help you get back to a place where you can feel safe enough to \"feel\" again. It might be an uncomfortable journey, at times, but you are already hurting and your life is being negatively impacted, now. Good therapy sometimes is like pulling out a splinter--it may hurt a bit to dig that sucker out, but once it's out, your body can finally start to heal. It might seem better (and less painful) to leave it alone, and ignore (avoid) it. But you risk INFECTION by your inaction which will be 100 x worse than just digging it out.Best of luck to you!Learn more about me and my practice at www.EMDRheals.com"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "You are describing a very legitimate reaction to trauma. Rape is an aweful experience and I am very sorry that happened to you. When horrible things happen, people often react in a way that interferes with the ability to live a normal life and function the way they did in the past. This is very common and the goal is to help you manage the stress caused by dealing with negative events and with help you can regain emotional well-being. This is especially important if you have had more than one negative thing happen. Oftentimes, the unconscious reaction is to become numb and avoid all feelings, especially if more than one negative event occurred. A big part of what causes people trouble are feelings of guilt. We often blame ourselves when bad things happen. It is actually difficult to comprehend the concept that we don't always have control of what happens in life. In addition, when you mentioned feeling like a sociopath, it sounded like you feel like your reaction is wrong. The first thing you can do is realize that your feelings and reactions are o.k., you aren't doing anything wrong, and nothing is wrong with you. The next step is to start dealing with the impact of these traumatic experiences. Identifying your feelings, and knowing the thoughts and beliefs that are behind those emotions can help you regain your sense of happiness. Research shows that understanding and expressing those thoughts and feelings can help. If doesn't sound like you need to do anything to change yourself, but talking to a counselor can be helpful in managing your reaction to a incredibly traumatic experience. I hope this helps you understand your feelings and can get to a place where you enjoy life."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "First and foremost, be gentle and patient with yourself. It is normal to feel a range of emotions after a severe trauma including no emotions at all. Try not to push yourself to feel, just notice the lack of emotion you are experiencing right now. Maybe write about your emotions and the lack of them or talk about it with a safe person. Unfortunately recovering from trauma can take time and it's best done at your own pace. If you aren't feeling there may be a reason you aren't feeling. For severe trauma I always recommend working with a trained trauma professional who has the training to guide you on your path to healing fully."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "Sociopaths don't know they are sociopaths.Clearly, you realize you have pretty deep emotions and have lived through several severely distressing situations.Your sense of self may be protecting for a while until you recover the practical aspects of daily life and feel some sense of predictability and stability in your life.Knowing and feeling disturbing emotions which rupture basic trust that other people are safe, is itself a raw process.Yes, it is possible to become numb emotionally. The good purpose is to protect you from additional hurt.When your inner world feels itself ready, more of your emotions from the recent distressing events will be accessible.If many months pass and you see no progress, then definitely consider a few sessions with a therapist who would be able to guide you to become more open to your feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "You're not a sociopath - you're traumatized. Shutting off feelings is our brain's automatic way of protecting us when something bad happens and we just can't deal with any more pain. It's temporary - which is both good and bad news, because after the numb goes away and your brain decides you're ready to handle it, you'll feel the emotional pain. My advice is to get a therapist ASAP so you have a safe place and a safe person when that happens.This is a horrible thing that happened to you, but you are not a horrible person. With good therapy you will learn to assimilate this into the rest of your life. You'll never forget, but you won't have the same pain about it .Good luck! You can do this!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?", "questionText": "I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you! What you are describing is being in a state of shock. You haven't suddenly become a sociopath - this is a normal reaction to an event that is completely overwhelming. There are most likely too many feelings to feel right now, so your body in its wisdom is shutting them down. You absolutely can recover, and it would be really important to get some trauma counseling with a counselor who feels safe for you to talk with. This is not the kind of situation to try and handle totally on your own."}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Often people with extensive trauma have difficulty talking about it. This lessens the impact of traditional talk therapy and there benefits. There is a helpful therapy called EMDR that is limited in the amount of talking and also has quick benefits for the reduction of symptoms. For those who are in great distress you can also complete EMDR therapy every day if you would like/have the means. This can quicken the recovery time from these distressing life events."}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Sounds like you are really experiencing a rough time. I applaud you for recognizing the need for change. Healing is possible! Find a good therapist you feel safe with who specializes in trauma and PTSD. They will work with you to help you learn healthy coping skills, feel safe in your body again, manage emotions, and improve your relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Hi there,I can sense the frustration in your post.PTSD can, and often does affect so many aspects of life. There are evidence based treatments for PTSD that can help with some of the side effects. You can learn to identify your triggers, ground yourself and regulate your emotions better for example. It is possible to recover but it will be slow, and it is hard work. It is important to know that. You need to be gentle with yourself.If you dont have one already, I would suggest trying to find a therapist, depending on where you live, there may be some free or low-cost options available or support groups.Your life may not look the same but it is possible to have life after trauma."}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "There's so many treatments for PTSD and trauma-related issues. Your path might look different than what someone else's path looks like, though most people benefit from learning emotional awareness and regulation, increasing tolerance for talking about traumatic situations, and a deep understanding of how to tell the difference between a past vs. present event. A counselor that you feel connected to can offer you a safe place to explore these areas and come up with a personalized treatment plan. It's common to feel worse when you're addressing the tough stuff, but there's really no shortcut to healing. Even if you don't see a counselor, believe in your ability to get through those emotions. You've probably been enduring some intense emotions if your life is being turned upside-down, so you can definitely make it through whatever is causing you pain--and remember you don't have to do it alone.Bessel Van Der Kolk (basically the leading trauma researcher) has an amazing book called 'The Body Keeps the Score'. It's the trauma bible. It's all about how the body reacts to and stores trauma, with many different ways to cope. Trigger warning though--he does share some client stories that involve trauma. They aren't the bulk of his book but they do show up so just be aware of that. You can find his book on amazon pretty cheap.You've already reached out and that's a big part of getting your life back. Keep pushing through!"}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "This is a great question. PTSD can be very complex and debilitating. It must be very difficult for you at this time.When we feel complex emotions such as anger, frustration, and possibly low-self worth, the tendency is to try to avoid or suppressthese emotions. The more you avoid them, the more these emotions will express themselves, and at the worst times. This may be why your PTSD symptoms are harming your relationships and your job status.To help you get your life back, it is important to process your emotions with a counselor that has specific training in trauma-informed interventions. To process emotions, you start by inviting them in, observe them with compassion and without judgment. When we observe our emotions, it starts the healing process because we separateourselves from them.Remember, thoughts and emotions are constructed. You are not your thoughts, nor your emotions. They are messengers telling you to pay attention to them. The more we avoid the messengers, the louder they get, to the point that they are crippling you in more than one way.I hope this helps you begin your change process. For more information, please here is a link to a trauma post on my blog The Wisdom Room.Please reach out for help. And contact mewith any questions.Sincerely~ Catherine ClevelandCleveland Emotional Health"}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Your feeling overwhelmed by emotion and finding it difficult to trust people. This can be a really scary feeling. It is a common reaction for individuals who have endured a traumatic experience. Often, the aftermath of a trauma can leave people feeling constantly on guard, panicky, depressed, isolated, and riddled with nightmares and intrusive thoughts of the incident. And while the signs and symptoms can feel complex and at times overwhelming, feeling better is more than possible. Give yourself credit for the courage that it takes to reach out. With trauma therapy, I would expect you will begin feeling better as we implement a compassionate and client-focused evidenced -based approach together.I've helped countless people to gain positive ground over their traumatic experiences in a safe, supportive environment. I offer a variety of evidenced based traditional therapies as well as holistic modalities to best support you on the path to healing. We will work together as allies in your treatment. It would be an honor to work with you."}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Slowly is the rate at which you'll get back your life.Being traumatized means not feeling safe in almost all areas of life.Be patient with yourself as you try to regain trust that people will not harm you and will be sources of satisfaction in your life.It is possible that the trauma in your life requires such great attention on your part to your own inner emotional safety that you are better off with a less intensive job than the one you recently lost.Try to prioritize restoring your emotional and psychological health. With this as the top area of your attention then you may have an easier time to accept a lesser degree of involvement in your work and relationships.When you feel angry, try to examine if underlying the anger are feelings of stress, fear, insecurity regarding your position in relationship to the person toward whom you feel angry. Anger is often the surface reaction to more destabilizing emotions like fear and insecurity.Gradually by nurturing and comforting yourself, living at a pace which is uniquely comfortable to what and how much you can handle, you'll regain your trust in both yourself and relating to others."}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "It is brave of you tospeak out, PTSD is not a joke and it can quickly take atoll on all aspect of life. Please, know that you are not alone and with the right help you can overcome these challenges.Living with PTSD can be very emotionally exhausting, but you can learn ways to cope with its challenges and findfulfillment in your life again. This means being proactively involved with the process, learning about the problem and positive ways to manage it can be a good start. This can also mean seeking professional help. It is important to address the problem both at thephysiological and psychological level, this can mean using medication that is prescribed by aMDto reduce the intensity symptoms and also working with an experiencedlicensed professional. Having healthy life habits such as good sleep hygiene, healthy diet, staying away from self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, and exercising can help reduce the intensity of the symptoms as well. Please, consult with a licensed professional close to you to get more information on resources you can possibly find helpful to you."}, {"questionTitle": "PTSD is impacting my whole life", "questionText": "I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?", "answerText": "Hi there,I hear you, PTSD has a verydebilitating effect on your whole life. I know that from personal experience. Recovering from it is possible and doable!First is step is to acknowledge to yourself that your PTSD symptoms are a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic event. The nightmares, the anxiety, the heightened startle response - are all typical human responses following exposure to a frightening event. It's important that you don't blame yourself or your body for reacting this way, rather approach yourself withcompassionand kindness that you would extend afriendwho is hurting.The secondstep is to start taking steps towards healing. I would really encourage you to see a counselor or therapist specializing in trauma recovery so that you have a guided, step by step support. But if this is not an option, you can begin your healing on your own using a step-by-step approach outlined in the book, Healing Trauma, by Peter Levin. It's a very hands-on book and even comes with a CD audio guide. It has concrete exercises that you can do to help you eliminate dissociation, feel grounded, and decrease your anxiety response. I have used myself and with my clients with great success!You can begin your recovery journey now with this video with Peter Levin's approach to Trauma Recovery:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJDkzDMllcOne last thing, I suggest consulting with a nutritionist or a doctor to help you boost your healing with supplements, vitamins, and minerals. The stress from PTSD is very draining on the body, and you use up a lot of energy and resources, so at times of trauma supplements are quite necessary for recovery (Magnesium, Omega 3, Zinc, Vitamin C....etc)"}, {"questionTitle": "I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse. If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may \"know\" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a \"wall\" in your current relationship. The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse. Good for you!Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed. There are likely reminders(called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences. This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you. However, you likely feel as if you are not in control. The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitizationand Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship. I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship. With a good support network in place, healing is very possible."}, {"questionTitle": "I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "From what you describe about yourself, I agree with you that ending your former relationship was a very wise decision.The nightmares and flashbacks show that you were deeply affected emotionally and on the foundations of your basic nature.The way for these to stop is by the slow process of realizing how badly injured and frightened you were of your former partner.Once you've stabilized yourself by accepting the tremendous harshness that was part of the former relationship, then the nightmares and flashbacks will disappear gradually usually, maybe all at once.There is a possibility too that your former relationship connected with being emotionally ignored, abandoned, treated harshly during your time of growing up years.Since generally people choose partners who relate similarly to the ways in which they felt treated by parents, it is possible that you had been badly treated while growing up and weren't aware of this until going through this terrible relationship.Congratulations on ending your relationship!"}, {"questionTitle": "I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "Thanks for sharing and asking for help. You mention that you're the one who ended the relationship in the past, yet are haunted by nightmares and flashbacks. Your comments here lead me to wonder that you may have experienced some form of trauma in this past relationship; and, if so, I would encourage you to additionally consider the whole of your story-line as it relates to trauma. Doing so will serve you well for your own peace-of-mind especially so in your current relationship. The best way to do all of this in a supportive fashion is to work with an experienced therapist who specializes in trauma-focused care. The therapist may, if indicated, wish to to incorporate EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which \"...is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Best wishes.Resource for Your Consideration:http://www.emdr.com/"}, {"questionTitle": "I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have not had the opportunity to process through the trauma you have endured. It would help if you have the opportunity to speak with someone on a regular basis until the symptoms of your trauma have subsided."}, {"questionTitle": "I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "One thing you could try to do on your own is to focus on the partner who is in front of you now. If you are able to connect with them via touch or focusing on their tone of voice, that may help to center you. Tried to stay grounded and/or mindful. That is being aware of your position in the room, your feet on the floor, your hands in your lap, or your hips in the chair. Being mindful of the environment you are currently (for example, noticing what is around you) may be helpful. Try to use all your senses. For example, you could focus on hearing your husband's voice, feeling his hand in yours, being wrapped in your favorite blanket, seeing a comforting photo, using a comforting sense or candle, or tasting an apple that reminds you of times when you have enjoyed yourself in the kitchen.It also sounds like you are having a very specific reaction that could very well be related to trauma. I would recommend that you talk with a local mental health professional.Remember, just because it was the best decision of your life, that doesn't mean that what happened to you or in your presence automatically leaves you when you leave the relationship. Our brain is actually hardwired to remember things that have caused us pain or great emotional distress as a way of protecting us from them happening again. This is a very natural response and the reactions you have as far as nightmares and flashbacks are the past coming forward and your brain trying to make sense of it all."}, {"questionTitle": "I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "EMDR therapy has shown great results for work with PTSD symptoms which are similar to what you described. If you are unable to find a local EMDR specialist then I would suggest some meditation and journaling in addition to talk therapy to process your trauma. Your anxiety response centers int he brain are in hyper vigilance mode and retraining to turn down that response could be helpful for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "A lot of times when you're experiencing nightmares and flashbacks, it can be a sign that you haven't fully processed what happened. Our brains tend to replay scenes in our life that we wish had turned out differently or in an effort to desensitize us to it. If you are comfortable with it, you may want to consider sharing what you're experiencing with your current partner so that he is able to understand what's going on. Also, you may want to consider what parts of your past relationship you blame yourself for. This can be a difficult task to undertake on your own, and the help of the therapist may be necessary to sort through the memories in a safe way. Typically however, flashbacks and nightmares are a sign that the trauma of what you went through needs to be addressed. it's a great thing that you were able to have the courage to get out of that relationship and you should be proud of yourself for that. You may want to begin therapy to address these traumatic memories and help you to sort through any conflicting emotions you have about it (i.e. Feeling like it's your fault for not recognizing the abuse or getting out of the relationship sooner, blaming yourself for being \" The kind of person who gets into an abusive relationship \", or believing that you somehow caused your ex to abuse you in some way.) These types of beliefs and feelings can prevent us from moving past traumatic experiences and a trained therapist can certainly help you sort through them."}, {"questionTitle": "I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship", "questionText": "I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", "answerText": "Your challenge is called \"co-dependency.\" People seek approval from others in an obsessive way when they are failing to truly accept themselves. I encourage you to truly love yourself and know that you have every right to every sensation, emotion, thought, and inspiration that you may have. Best of luck on your journey."}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend can't stand it when I touch her", "questionText": "My girlfriend was abused as a child. Now, if I hug or touch her in any kind of way she says she feels as if she is being abused as a child. What might be going on?", "answerText": "Was your gf always this way with you or did her withdrawal develop suddenly?Also, are there any other changes going on between the two of you in terms of feeling relaxed and at ease with each other, enjoying each other?Its possible her physical withdrawal, due to her sensitive nature about who touches her and the meaning of touch, reflects an underlying emotional hesitation about her feelings toward you.This can be either strong positive or negative feelings.She may be fearful of becoming more intimately attached to you, and withdraws.She may be actually withdrawing and expresses herself through the amount of touch she wants from others.Best way forward as almost always in a relationship, is to have a gentle conversation to open up the tension between the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend can't stand it when I touch her", "questionText": "My girlfriend was abused as a child. Now, if I hug or touch her in any kind of way she says she feels as if she is being abused as a child. What might be going on?", "answerText": "Sounds like she might be triggered and having a trauma response. This is normal for folks who've experienced trauma. The part of our brains that detects \"danger\" acts like a smoke alarm in our house: it's constantly scanning for threats and makes a bunch of noise if it detects one. Smoke alarms can't distinguish between smokey bacon cooking or an actual house fire - they just detect a threat and alert everyone of it. Our brain is similar. Her brain has probably learned that physical touch is dangerous for her, so whatever response she has next is her brain's way of trying to protect her. Particularly with sexual trauma, this can be a really frustrating experience for romantic partners trying to connect physically or sexually."}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend can't stand it when I touch her", "questionText": "My girlfriend was abused as a child. Now, if I hug or touch her in any kind of way she says she feels as if she is being abused as a child. What might be going on?", "answerText": "Thank you for your question. I think it's wonderful that you are approaching this with openness and curiosity. The reaction you are describing is extremely common in survivors of abuse. What you said is insightful...when you touch her \"she feels as if she is being abused as a child.\" From your description, I would agree that in those moments she is re-experiencing something that happened in the past as if it is happening right now. Re-experiencing orrelivingtraumatic experiences is a key symptom of PTSD.If you are seeking to better understand what is going on for her, I would highly recommend Bessel van der Kolk's bookthe Body Keeps the Score. This book also discusses effective treatments for overcoming trauma. Best of luck to both of you,Sarah"}, {"questionTitle": "Should we put off kids until my husband is mentally cured?", "questionText": "My boyfriend is seeking therapy. He is in his 40s and has some childhood issues. He has kids from his previous ex-wife and is unable to see them.", "answerText": "Probably the more important questions to answer concern how much confidence you have in you and your boyfriend becoming parents, how you each feel about the influence of his being banned from seeing his current children, and be clear about the circumstances that led up to the decision of him not being permitted to see his kids.Don't allow some random professional to pronounce your boyfriend as cured. A relatively qualified therapist would never make this call.Psychological and emotional tensions emerge from our relationships within families. You and your boyfriend are in a position to set a strong foundation for having children, assuming each of you wants children.Childhood issues, your boyfriend's, anyone's, are more likely to go away when new patterns of interacting emerge.If the two of you are engaged in setting a secure relationship as future parents, the disappointments and hurt from the very early years, will be replaced by better ways of interacting."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I get over PTSD on my own?", "questionText": "I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?", "answerText": "I am so sorry to here about what you are experiencing. Your question is kind of difficult to answer, because there are a lot of things that go into what caused you to develop PTSD in the first place.You could work on developing ways to work on decreasing the negative responses you are having, such as panic attacks or anger. This could be done using coping skills, mindfulness and thought reframing. This couldhelp you to not experience the panic attacks or anger in such intensity.You could also perhaps join an outpatient mental health group, because they help to teach basic coping skills and provide other helpful resources. If you want to go this route, look at local behavioral health hospitals or even a local hospital, NAMI.org to find more information about groups or even look on psychologytoday.com to see what you can find near you.Lastly, you could work with a therapist if these don't appeal to you. I know this isn't exactly you fixing it by yourself, but hear me out. Therapy is a lot of work, but it is also a lot of self-introspection and self-care. While you go to see someone, you also have to do a lotof work on your own. A therapist isn't going to make the changes for you, they just give you the tools and skills you need to get to where you want to go.I hope this helps you and I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I get over PTSD on my own?", "questionText": "I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?", "answerText": "When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I get over PTSD on my own?", "questionText": "I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?", "answerText": "I will not say that you can't but I will say it will be much harder and the time may take much longer. Getting help and having someone to be there with you through the ups and down of PTSD makes the journey much easier."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry to hear about your recent loss. There is such a large feeling of uncertainty that befalls those of us left to sort through these emotions of such a loss, and it's never easy. I think it's important to remember that there is no \"right\" or \"wrong\" way to deal with loss and the \"best way\" for you may not be the best way for someone else. The fact that you are aware that you are smoking more marijuana and drinking more, and the fact that you can recognize that these may not be the best coping techniques, is a very good step towards giving yourself some better support at this time. Marijuana and drinking are type of coping techniques that can numb us to our emotions, but they do not really help us to work through those emotions.When it comes to grief, often one of the most helpful ways to move through the phases of grief is to use your social supports; talk to your friends and family, see your mutual friends and commiserate with each other on the loss and the uncertainty. The more we talk about our feelings, the more we are okay with them being ours. The more we express our loss, the better we become at accepting such a loss. In talking with your supports, you may also decide ways in which you may want to remember your friend; ways you can do so on a personal level (writing a poem, planting a tree, etc.) or ways you as a group can remember and memorialize them (a special day where you get together to share your memories, starting a charity, etc.)We never truly \"get over\" our losses, but we can learnt o accept the losses and what it means to us now...but that also takes time."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "Suicide is not a natural way to pass from this Earth, so many times it can be EXTREMELY tough to deal with because of the \"unnatural-ness\" of the event. We may find ourselves feeling guilty that we did not see it or that we could've have done more or something to stop it, but often the fish in the fishbowl cannot see that which is closest to him. You are currently trying to numb your feelings, those feelings as nasty as they are, are meant to be felt, those feelings help us to process the event and also help us to pass through the situation. Your friend has a legacy, remember it, and honor that legacy everyday in some small or even grand way, perhaps committing or volunteering your time to help others in honor of your friend.Hope this helps, C"}, {"questionTitle": "What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "First of all, I am very sorry for your loss, and I can understand the urge to drink and smoke to try and cope. As I'm sure you understand, alcohol and marijuana may take the edge off of the pain in the short run, but in the long run they may prevent you from being able to work through the thoughts and feelings that you have about the loss of your friend. Grieving is a process that is unique to each individual and each relationship that may involve difficult, confusing, and even contradictory seeming thoughts and feelings and a competent therapist can help you work through this process. It also may be useful for you to add other ways of coping, such as taking care of yourself through exercise, doing healthy activities that you love, and spending time with people that you love. Self care is often most difficult when we need it the most. Thank you for reaching out."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "Let me begin by offering my condolences for your loss. I can understand how difficult this time maybe for you especially if you have several unanswered the questions due to the circumstances surrounding the death of your friend. It's during this time, that you may experience the various stages of grief. This includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.In the bereavement process, there is so specific time frame or lengths of time for someone to work through each step. Its imperative to note that one mayexpress each stage with different levels of intensity. Also, the five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Just note that everyone greives differently, some internalize their feelings and emotions, others express it externally, while other avoid it all together.Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience. Sometimes we feel that no one understands what we are feeling or going through, much less comprehend our emotional state of mind . What's important, is that you allow others to comfort you through the various stages. My recommendation is to allow yourself to go through the emotions and feel the grief. Avoiding or resisting may only delay the healing process. Reaching the acceptance stage of mourning is a gift not not everyone is awarded, but seeking the help of a Grief counselor may assist in deciphering your emotions and set you on a more positive path to achieve closer."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "Suicide is a very traumatic loss and affects survivors significantly. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways. One way I recommend to deal with the loss of a loved one is to write letters to them. Some people like to keep the letters in a jar, maybe fill the jar with sand so the letters are buried. I recommend writing the letters as often as you need to. You will notice over time the need to write the letters will decrease and the intense feelings of loss will decrease. I also recommend finding a survivors support group in your area. You can find more information on www.afsp.org."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "I urge you to seek some therapeutic help for this, and also to connect with others who knew your friend, because they're likely feeling the same way. Suicide is difficult to understand, and those left behind have many mixed emotions that make their grief complicated and anguished. Your friend either had an impulse that no one could stop, or they made a big decision that impacted everyone around them. There are other things you can do to cope with this, and it has to do with accepting your powerlessness to stop it, not blaming yourself, forgiving your friend, and finding meaning in their life and yours. You won't find that meaning in a bottle or a joint. I hope you reach out soon. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?", "questionText": "I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?", "answerText": "First I am so sorry for your loss. Most people go through the grieving process. I would get a better understanding of what that process is. Everyone has their own way of handling loss. You are taking the first step in realizing that you are having a difficult time coping with it. I would reach out to a therapist that has experience treatment patients with loss. I would also recognize that drinking and smoking are both substances that will not make depression or depressive thoughts any better."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "You are right on to recognize that the effects of trauma can be cumulative. It is very possible that a car accident could lead to an increase in PTSD symptoms that were related to other traumatic experiences.If you have been deployed to a combat area, you are most likely eligible for free counseling services through the VA Vet Centers. The Vet Center clinicians typically have a lot of experience working with military trauma. Here's a link to a directory of Vet Centers:http://www.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.aspYour service and sacrifice is greatly appreciated."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "The short answer is yes ,with a \"maybe\" tagged on the end. Let me explain. First off, thank you for serving our country. The vast majority of the population will never understand the sorts of experiences that military members have encountered. And we know that veterans suffer from PTSD at higher percentages than civilians. We also know that motor vehicle accidents are the most common cause of PTSD. My friend, you've been struggling, it seems.So it can be helpful to think of PTSD symptoms like a wave, or a series of waves. Sometimes the waves are larger and last for longer, and sometimes they're easier to manage.One of the most common ways for PTSD waves to be more challenging is due to something we call \"avoidance.\" We avoid both internal things (thinking about the trauma, avoiding unpleasant emotions, etc...) but also external reminders (perhaps driving in a car, being in crowds, being around loud noises, people standing behind you, etc...). And the more we push that stuff away, the longer those waves stick around.Therefore trauma therapy usually involves confronting that avoidance in safe and protected ways to try to reteach your brain that even through something might feel upsetting, it doesn't mean that you're actually in danger. Let me give you an example. Lets say you avoid being in a crowd. Your PTSD wants to convince you that ALL crowds are dangerous. And, between you and me, we both know that there are some crowds that are ABSOLUTELY dangerous. If you're in a biker bar where people are smoking meth and throwing knives at dartboards...that's probably a pretty dangerous place to be. But maybe you don't hang out in biker bars. Maybe you're just trying to pick up your milk and eggs at the grocery store when your crowd-avoidance kicks in. Well those two environments are very different. COULD something dangerous happen in the grocery store? Yes. Is it LIKELY that you're in danger? Probably not.And so if you've worked through the PTSD from the military but then go through a car accident, it might be that some of those old avoidant patterns are popping back up. The good news, however, is that there are several different options (through the VA, Vet Center, or private counseling) that can help. Look for what's called an Evidence-Based Approach. These are things like Cognitive Processing Therapy, Prolonged Exposure Therapy, Written Exposure Therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. Your counselor can help you decide which might be the best approach for you.PTSD is very treatable. You don't have to suffer. Reach out to a qualified therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "It depends on what you mean by problems however, a therapist who specializes in PTSD I can say it wouldnt be uncommon to see an increase in PTSD symptoms or severity after something like a car accident. It is just adding trauma onto trauma. Sort of like kicking you when you are down, your body may not have the same resources to handle the car accident as it did at other times in your life. Hopefully that makes sense."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "A car accident can be scary and possibly trigger your symptoms of PTSD. It is good that you recognize the possibility of this occurring.Not everyone who experiences a car accident develops PTSD. The chances are definitely increased due to your prior diagnosis during military service.Some of the things to be mindful of for yourself include:1.Feelings of anxiety and increased heart rate when you're faced with reminders of the event.2.Feeling a little more on edge when you're driving.3.Being more watchful. You're more likely to scan your environment for potential sources of threats.4.Avoidance. Because of the anxiety that often follows an accident, it's natural that you may want to avoid some situations or experience hesitation at times.If you experience any of these symptoms or feel other symptoms of PTSD it would be advisable to seek help possibly through your local VA Medical Clinic or a private practitioner. There are certain modalities such as EMDR that can help with your symptoms."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "There are many types of traumas, and they certainly can compound on one another as you experience them. Without treating the traumas, or incidents where you felt there was a significant risk to your safety or that of others, there can be a cumulative effect. What we have learned in the mental health field from studying traumas, is that the body as a whole responds to these stressors in order to keep you safe during the events. If the body does not realize that it no longer needs to respond in this way because the event is now over, and then receives a trigger from a new event, it makes sense that the new event could cause additional issues. Both of these events can be addressed with the help of a Counselor. There are many Counselors that specialize in trauma inside and outside of the VA, so shop around if you are able and find someone that you connect with."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "A car accident can be a traumatic event. Especially, if it was serious, you could have feared for your life, felt everythingvwas out of control and had normal reactions to an abnormal situation afterwards.This may or may not be related to the traumas that you experienced in the military. If it is then it is possible that you will see a direct effect in triggering off PTSD symptoms. Even if it didn't, it is possible that the complexity of the two situations will interact inside you to be a combined response.Having already been diagnosed with PTSD, this might be a good time to reconnect with the help system you had around military experiences and explore it a little bit about the new experience. The right exploration does not have to make things worse and can be a good source of prevention."}, {"questionTitle": "Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?", "questionText": "I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?", "answerText": "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can occur after any traumatic event where a real and present threat of harm or loss of life to yourself or others is present. Yes, a car accident could increase PTSD symptoms such as hyper-vigilance, anxiety, nightmares, re-playing the event, etc. Depending on the severity of the accident new triggers might exist. This is not to say that you cannot recover. Are you currently experiencing additional trauma symptoms?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I convince my mother to seek help for her obsessive-compulsive disorder?", "questionText": "My mother has quite severe, undiagnosed OCD, diagnosed posttraumatic stress disorder, and maybe other mental health issues. She is weeks away from moving in with me, my husband, and our three children. I love my mother, but once she gets within her own area, she begins to tape all cracks and crevasses. She cannot tolerate any smells.", "answerText": "One way to handle the situation is to develop willingness to tolerate her unusual habits. Would you be willing to talk with your kids that grandma is sensitive to smells and her way to address this is to tape up cracks and crevasses?As long as her behavior isn't aggressive, harmful to anyone, unethical or immoral, and you'd like her to live with you, then someone both sides need to be happy with the living condition.Also, if you haven't already done so, negotiate with your mom that the common family areas are off limits to taping the the cracks. As part of adjusting to living with your family it is reasonable to expect she respect common areas and to limit her taping habit to her private sections within the house.Approach the matter fairly and with the expectation to satisfy all the people who are affected."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid having past traumatic experiences affect my present and future?", "questionText": "I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.", "answerText": "Sorry that your growing up years in the family were so unsafe and painful.Everyone has family legacy patterns of behavior and ways of handling emotions, handed down to them simply by living.All of what any child observes and how they are treated within their family context, creates their foundational expectations of others.The best way of releasing yourself form hurtful interaction patterns is by being aware of your own feelings and intuition within close relationships.If you have a similar sense of hurt or that something is wrong, yet in a familiar way, then most likely you are in a relational pattern similar to the negative ones in your family of origin.This realization moment is your chance to more deeply see your own original trauma and try different ways of responding to these similar key situations.This type of work takes a lot of repeated effort because trauma is deep and childhood trauma is attached to loving ones parents.Expect slow progress and expect more than a few tears.If it feels overwhelming then a therapist for guidance and support would be very beneficial to the work you'd be doing within yourself.Sending lots of good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid having past traumatic experiences affect my present and future?", "questionText": "I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.", "answerText": "Hi New York, There's no way to keep your past from affecting your present and future, because it's a huge part of who we are. The GOOD news is, though, that the effect doesn't have to be negative. I'm met many people who have horrific pasts and it helps them know confidently, every day, what kind of person they want to be and what kind of world they want to live in, and it helps them make really great decisions. You can accept your past, integrate your traumas and move forward in a very different way.If you see negative ways in which your past affects you (and this is also common), you are wise to seek professional help. Without knowing more, it's impossible to give you a lot of direction here. Basically, our past creates emotional \"bruises\" that are touch on and triggered by present situations. But our reactions are often about more than just the present moment. I think you know that.I wish you the best as you sort it out."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid having past traumatic experiences affect my present and future?", "questionText": "I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.", "answerText": "I can imagine how incredibly difficult this must be for you. Having past traumatic experiences creap up on you without warning can be very scary and stressful. You may be suffering from symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting evaluated by a professional would be a good step to take next. By seeking treatment and having a therapist who you trust and can connect with, you will gain the ability to think about your experiences without it significantly interfering with your daily functioning. A therapist can also help you to develop new coping stragies to be used during recall of these experiences and help you to adopt healthy thought patterns. I would also recommend that you seek support from loved ones. Sometimes justtalkingabout your experiences andassociated feelings will alleviate someofthe emotional troublesyou are suffering from.Lastly, you may find meditation or mindfulness work to be of great benefit. Having the ability to live in the present moment should reduce the effects of your traumatic experiences interfering with recalling your past or looking forward to your future. I wish you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid having past traumatic experiences affect my present and future?", "questionText": "I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.", "answerText": "In general, our past is always somewhat alive and does inform our present experiences. All past experiences, both positive and negative are what have brought you where you are today, physically and emotionally. That being said, your father's behavior does not have to define you or your future. You have power over your life and your future. By learning more about yourself, you can learn to incorporate your past into your present life, without being defined by past traumas. The best way to grow and learn how to do this is to talk with someone about your experiences. By talking about your past and present struggles with a trusted confidante or helping professional you will hopefully learn how to be at peace with your past."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with losing a child?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "As you already know, there is no easy answer. Over time, I think we learn to live with the pain from such a loss, but it never goes away. I would encourage you to seek out a grief support group or a therapist who specializes in grief and loss.I will just add that one thing that you can do is to create something meaningful from this profound experience. This might mean connecting with others who are mourning, or creating beautiful in your child's memory. Of course, the best ideas will come from you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I let go of the abuse my dad showed me?", "questionText": "My dad beat and mentally abused me so badly that I can't function properly. Letting go of the past is important to moving on and getting better, but Im terrified to get better because I don't even know who I am without the trauma. I've never gotten to be myself. I don't even know who I am.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Getting to know yourself after a trauma (especially at the hands of a caregiver) and learning to trust yourself can feel terrifying. I would encourage you to seek out a trauma therapist who can work with you slowly and at your pace. You are not your trauma. You are good and you are whole. Please seek out the support of a therapist who sees that in you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over a fear of pain during sex?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have a terrible sex life after three years of dating, and I don't know what to do. I have this lingering fear of pain during sex after having two partners previously who weren't careful. How can I stop projecting this onto my current boyfriend?", "answerText": "Without knowing much about your situation, I would encourage you to seek out either a sex therapist who is trauma-informed or a trauma therapist who has knowledge about sexual concerns. Even consensual sex can be experienced as an intrusion if a partner was not careful or insensitive to your pain. It would be normal to have some difficulties with sex after such an incident."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on from almost being raped?", "questionText": "At a friend's house, we had some drinks and watched some television. He got up and went to bed. I felt sick. He came out to see if I was okay, and I said no. I said I wanted to go home, and he told me to come lay down. As I laid down on the bed, he started touching me. A friend called me, then I able to leave.", "answerText": "I am so sorry that this happened to you and am so glad that you were able to get away. Your body is yours and yours alone. I would highly recommend that you find a therapist who specializes in treating trauma in order to help you to heal from your ordeal."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over rape trauma syndrome?", "questionText": "I was kidnapped at fourteen and raped at gunpoint. The guy got six months. When the same thing happened with two \"friends\" at nineteen, I didn't even report it.", "answerText": "Wow, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. My heart goes out to you. Please find a therapist who specializes in working with PTSD. Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing are all highly effective therapies for complex interpersonal trauma. If you are interested in reading about trauma from a compassionate and scientific perspective I highly recommend Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with my trauma?", "questionText": "I was a victim of an incident. I've been made fun of and have been beating myself up for it because I don't feel anyone honestly believes me. There are so many other factors I deal with on a daily basis. I ignore my problems when I'm with my friends, but its scary when Im alone.", "answerText": "As you seemed to have learned, the impact will not just \"go away\". Treatment of trauma is like surgery, it requires a skillful clinician to help resolve it. While you are contemplating getting help, you can focus on calming techniques like meditation and yoga. They will aid you when you begin the therapeutic process."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with my trauma?", "questionText": "I was a victim of an incident. I've been made fun of and have been beating myself up for it because I don't feel anyone honestly believes me. There are so many other factors I deal with on a daily basis. I ignore my problems when I'm with my friends, but its scary when Im alone.", "answerText": "I'm glad you have some time when you're not thinking about your trauma when you're with your friends.As far as feeling scared when you are alone, I'm not sure if you are referring to having flashbacks or thoughts on what happened to you or reminders in the environment around you or something else.One thing that might help is to find a bead or a rock that is smooth that you can hold onto or rub against your hand or fingers. Think of a time when you felt safe, comfortable, happy basically a positive and safe moment while holding onto the rock. Then, when you have scary thoughts, you can hold on to the rock and remember the happier place. Try to associate as many happy and safe moments with the rock as you can."}, {"questionTitle": "Can hypnosis allow me to recall trauma from 35 years ago?", "questionText": "I know I was molested as a child, but I have no memory of it.", "answerText": "I'm not sure that I have the answer to your question, but I can tell you that it would be helpful to talk with a certified hypnotist. There are a list of them here:http://www.natboard.com/index_files/Page548.htm. You also may want to talk to someone who specializes in EMDR. This stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and it is a specific trauma treatment. I am not trained in this particular method, but my understanding is that it does not require a lot of knowledge of the origin of the trauma before being started."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder without any money or insurance?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Check with your local non-profit agencies. I am sure there are programs which provides services for others in the same financial position as you. Many have sliding scale fees based on your income which can be $0."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder without any money or insurance?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "This can be tough to do in this money-driven crazy world where many therapists are not taking cases pro-bono anymore and quite often charge exorbitant prices for sessions, however I would ask potential therapists if they do take any cases on pro-bono, I usually reserve some hours for people who simply have no finances but need help, there are still some that do, if your ex-military you can look at \"Give and Hour\" which is an hour a week for ex-service members, often times you can look to your local pastor, minister or priest (there are still some good ones out there) to help with finding or providing help to you, there are free hotlines you can call that are staffed by knowledgeable people that cost nothing, lastly you may look into getting state insurance which would enable someone to take you on.Hope this Helps, C"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder without any money or insurance?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Depending on where you are located, you may want to consider calling 2-1-1. It is a resource hotline that can help provide you with referrals for therapists or clinics in your area who may offer pro-bono services. When going through the list of referrals they provide you with, you can call around and see what types of treatment they offer for PTSD and make a list so you can do your own research before deciding what you think will be the best fit for you. There are several different types of trauma therapy, but some of the most common include cognitive processing therapy and EMDR in case you'd like to research them and get more information."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder without any money or insurance?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "You may have some options for low-cost or free counseling.1) There may be free counseling services available in you area. You could try an Internet search for \"free counseling\" + the name of your community. In addition, in many communities your can dial 211 for access to information about many free services.2) if you are a military veteran you maybe eligible for free counseling through the VA, the Vet Center, or the Soldiers Project. You can get more information here:http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/vamentalhealthgroup.asphttp://www.vetcenter.va.gov/https://www.thesoldiersproject.org"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder without any money or insurance?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Depending on the source of your traumatic experience, there may be ways to get free treatment to help you. For example, if your experience was related to your military service, the VA may be able to assist you. If your experience is related to 9/11 and you meet certain criteria, there are ways to get free help. In many states, if you are the victim of a crime, there is a victim's assistance fund that may cover costs of this treatment. Basically, start with the traumatic event(s) you have experienced and move forward from there."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a normal sex life with my significant other when I keep having triggers from past sexual abuse?", "questionText": "I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.", "answerText": "Have you sought the support of a therapist really qualified in working through sexual trauma? It can take some work, but healing is possible. If you feel able to, it may also help to open a dialogue with your boyfriend about what you need from him when you have these flashbacks. Let him know what some helpful responses may be."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a normal sex life with my significant other when I keep having triggers from past sexual abuse?", "questionText": "I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.", "answerText": "Sexual intimacy can be very triggering for survivors even when it is both wanted and consensual. You may want to consider seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma to work through the abuse if you have not already done so. Often times triggers still hold such a powerful effect when the emotions related to the abuse have not been fully processed. In the meantime, you may want to consider coming up with a Safe Word to let your partner know that you are being triggered or to communicate your physical boundaries to him. Often times, the experience of communicating your physical boundaries to your partner, having those boundaries respected and validated, and having a partner who is understanding and willing to engage in intimacy in such a way that does not violate your physical boundaries can reinforce a sense of safety with him."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I unblock my memories?", "questionText": "As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.", "answerText": "It's important to know that there are counselors who are trained in working with survivors of trauma and you can get help. The \"blur\" in your memories is your brain's attempt to protect you from the experiences in your past. To recover them can be a slow process done by a trained professional that you trust. When you are ready and feel safe, those memories can be recovered and can be integrated with other memories. This will help to lessen the potency of the memory, help to make sense of what has happened, and allow you to begin the healing process. Check into therapist who are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I unblock my memories?", "questionText": "As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.", "answerText": "Sorry to hear of having witnessed violence within your family when you were very young.Your blocked memories are a self-protection from the enormous emotional pain and feeling de-stabilized by realizing that the people whom you expected to trust, are harmful.Already you are at the first step, which is to know that memories exist about the disturbing events concerning your brother.Probably the best way of finding your way back to those times, is by paying attention to all of who you are today.The more intently and with loving interest you are able to notice yourself, you will be gradually dissolving the layers of protective thoughts about intimacy being unsafe.Basically, you will be teaching yourself how to slowly trust yourself.Since trust is what was violated while you were young, you will be developing a new model for trusting yourself and others.Then, more of the memories of your painful and overwhelming times will make themselves available to you.They are simply waiting for you to be strong and trusting enough within yourself, to tolerate them!"}, {"questionTitle": "My father has always been horrible to me", "questionText": "My suppose-to-be father told me to go find my real dad. We haven't been getting along since I was a teenager. If I said one thing that he thought was wrong, I always got degraded. He never said I love you. He never gave us hugs. Hes always called me horrible names. I feel he's an evil man with no feelings.", "answerText": "Hi Louisiana, You got it right...he's \"supposed to be\" your father. It's tough enough being adopted (unless I'm reading it wrong, I think you're adopted); what you don't need is to be verbally abused by someone who's supposed to love and protect you. I don't know how old you are (past teen years though), or where your mom is, but I bet there are other people in your life who treat you differently. It's your right to spend your time with the people who love you properly. That's a really important part of learning how to be happy...carefully choosing who's going to be in your life. It's tricky to put emotional distance between you and your supposed-to-be father, but it's possible...physical distance (avoid him if you don't trust you'll be treated with respect), and emotional distance (feeling less connected to and affected by his relationship disability). I think you're already doing that part because you don't blame yourself for his words, which is wonderful. I don't know if he's evil (although I believe evil exists), but he may be incapable of loving properly, or lacking empathy, as you suggest.A good therapist can support you in these goals. I wish you the best in your growth as an independent adult. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Can implanted thoughts be reversed at all?", "questionText": "An organization admitted to implanting thoughts in my head with technologies. The study was to implant a fantasy other people are having, but to me, it's a nightmare. I lost my kids, my job, and all that. I was an unwilling participant. I no longer trust a therapist. I'm too afraid to go under hypnosis or anything.", "answerText": "Given your experience of being imposed upon against your will, and all the personal and professional loss that has come since, your fear of what will happen if you undergo treatment and trust a therapist is understandable. There is no technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away or be reversed, however, there are things that you can do which may help you to change your relationship to the thoughts and to the distress that they cause. I understand that working with a therapist sounds risky, given your experiences, and at the same time a good therapist may be a beneficial resource in helping you deal with the intrusive thoughts, cope with and alleviate the stress that they create, and perhaps even lead to the alleviation of the thoughts themselves. A therapist may also be able to help you discover strategies to work towards any goals you have around reconnecting with your children and working again. If therapy feels too unsafe at the moment, I would recommend looking into workbooks on how to deal with intrusive thoughts and coping with stress. Some popular approaches that you may want to look into are mindfulness techniques, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You may even be able to find some of these resources at a library, if affordability is an obstacle."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I remember and deal with things I did as a kid?", "questionText": "I did some horrible sexual things as a kid and I regret everything. Can someone help me cope with myself? Can someone help me remember my past?", "answerText": "I'm very sorry to hear this. Hypnosis can be a valuable tool that a trained therapist can use to bring back suppressed memories. However, keep in mind that hypnosis doesn't work for everyone.I think regardless, speaking with a therapist about your sexual issues would be beneficial. It seems like you have experienced some painful experiences in the past and may need help dealing with them in order to move forward.In addition, if past memories do resurface a trained therapist will be able to help you cope with them as they arise.I wish you the best of luck and I hope you receive the treatment that you deserve."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my partner to stop verbally abusing me?", "questionText": "Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.", "answerText": "Im glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are going though sounds overwhelming and exhausting. Here is a link that talks about the signs of an abuse relationship if you are questioning whether or not you are experiencing an abusive relationshiphttps://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htmThis maybe a lot of information to take in so if you feel overwhelmed I would encourage you to talk to a therapist. Also every state has a domestic non-profit that can assist you with support or resources. If you are struggling to find one in your area I can help you. They can help you safety plan and give additional information that might be of assistance. In abusive relationships, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change your partners behavior. It is up to her to make that decision. A lot of time in abusive relationships asserting your boundaries can put you at risk for more abuse. I would encourage you to use your gut in this situation because you know your relationship better then anyone else. The best thing for you to do is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. I would encourage against couples counseling because it can also become unsafe in an abusive relationship. You are making a big step in looking for help."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my partner to stop verbally abusing me?", "questionText": "Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.", "answerText": "Ultimately it is only your partner who can decide whether to stop name calling or not.I would take very seriously that she doesn't show any willingness to hear and understand your point of view.In a relationship in which one person claims the right to verbally abuse the other, there isn't much genuine care and trust going on at all.It is never safe to open your heart to her since you can't tell in advance if you'll be treated with kindness or bashing.Think seriously how possible it is for you to enjoy your relationship if your partner is unwilling to accommodate your feelings.If the two of you are unable to agree on terms or discuss the problem as a mutual one, not just your problem, then you may wish to withdraw from the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my partner to stop verbally abusing me?", "questionText": "Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.", "answerText": "One thing you could try is to talk to your partner when she's not angry about the following:If she's angry, maybe she can talk with you about what she is angry about rather than calling you names.If she gets angry and then calms down a little while later, maybe one of you can take a timeout in the discussion and set a time when you will come back to it.Discuss what it is that you find acceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what it is that you find unacceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what is acceptable for her to do during an argumentDiscuss what is on acceptable for her to do during an argumentYour partner can answer the same questions related to herself and you.I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have this discussion when there is not an argument going on. Perhaps you could mention that you would like to talk about something that is really important and see if the current time is a good time. If not, consider when in the next 24 to 48 hours would be a good time.It may also be helpful to discuss these ideas with a local therapist. The therapist may also be able to help both of you figure out where the anger is coming from and where she has learned to react this way.If it is abuse, it may be even more difficult to have these important discussions. It may be helpful for you to see a local therapist by yourself to assess things like physical and emotional safety."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there something I should do to help my friend who is in an abusive relationship?", "questionText": "My friends husband is bipolar and refuses to take medication for it. He has taken the wheels off her vehicle before to prevent her from leaving. He has held her a prisoner in her home. He has choked her, hit her, etc. She has almost divorced him a couple of times but always makes up with him, thinking that he is going to change. She and I went to a wedding out of town in September of 2014, and ever since she has been back, he is convinced that she cheated on him while we were gone. Now he is saying that I have also cheated on my boyfriend and has come to my house and told my boyfriend this.", "answerText": "Im glad that you are seeking help and that you are supporting your friend. Im sure this is all overwhelming and frustrating for you. The biggest thing you can do for your friend is to be supportive as you are already doing. Unfortunately there isnt much you can do for her outside of that because it is up to her husband to change and up to your friend if she wants to leave. There are things you can do to support more: it might be helpful for her to have some information on a domestic violence non profit in her area because they can assist her in many areas if she wants to leave. They can also provide you with support while you go through this with her. The nonprofit can also safety plan with her and it might be helpful for you to do it with her if you want to. Another thing you can do is support her in decision to stay with her husband or not despite what she decides. Many victims decide to stay with thier abusive partner for many reasons. It is important to support her decisions, even if you dont agree with them, because she may have very little decision making in her relationship. I would also encourage you to make sure you are taking care of yourself while you support her so you are not becoming too overwhelmed.Here is some info that might be helpful to you.https://abuseintervention.org/sandbox77/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/How-to-Help-a-Loved-One.pdf"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I help my boyfriend's anger issues?", "questionText": "I have an emotionally abusive relationship. We have been together for a year and a half. He got out of prison exactly a year ago and a half ago, and we have a infant. I love my boyfriend, and I don't want to leave without fighting for this first. He's an emotionally disconnected person. We never say I love you to each other. Every fight is worse than the last one, and I don't know what to do. He doesn't let me speak because he's louder than me, and that makes me feel frustrated. I have another problem: English is my second language. I pay half of the bills, and every time I want to speak to him, he kicks me out of the house. He apologizes sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this. He agreed to have counseling.", "answerText": "Im glad that you are reaching out for help. All of this sounds overwhelming and confusing. All of what you discribed is common in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, there isnt anything you can do that will change his behavior. He has to make that decision for himself. It is difficult for abusers to do this because they have to admit that thier behavior is fully thier responsibility. Abusers, a lot of times, will say theyre sorry or make promises to change and then turn around and become abusive again. I would strongly discourage any couples counseling because in an abusive relationship this can become very dangerous for the victim. Individual therapy for both of you you be a safer rout. I would also encourage you to reach out to a domestic violence non profit near you because they can help you safety plan and provide counseling if you want it. Here is some information on the cycle of violence that might be helpful for you http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfI hope you are safe and I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I quit resenting my parents for the horrible life they provided for me?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and throughout my entire life, I've never really had good parents, or parents at all for that matter. I'm not exaggerating. I was living with my mom and grandparents until my father, in prison for most of my life, got out when I was in middle school. His mom, my grandma, only lived a mile down the road from my moms house, and I was so awe-stricken with my dad that I got to stay with him for a long time. Meanwhile, I did not realize that my mom was doing hardcore drugs. My mom went to prison for that and lost her caf. We live in a very small town, so everyone knew about it, and I was bullied because of who my parents were. My dad ended up getting in with the wrong people and went back to prison. My mom and him had a mutual friend and often hung out at that persons house. My parents did not get along at this point. We were driving him home one day from this house, and my mom stopped the car and kicked him out. He got out of the car, went to the drivers side, and punched my mom in the face. I got out and told him not to hit my mom. At that point, I was really scared and mad that he did that, so I ran towards him to stop him. He literally picked me up and threw me on the back of a gravel road. I couldn't even walk. My mom tried to help me, but he started choking her. I hobbled over, and she barely got into the car, and we quickly drove away and called the police and ambulance. He was so badly strung out on drugs. He went to prison again and seems to be doing well. I met up with him once with my grandma, and we had coffee, but he's so hard to handle. I think a lot of it is that I can't bring myself to forgive him. My mom went back to prison again for drugs, and while she was in there, I moved in with my dads mom (the one who lived just down the road) because I trust her, her house is stable, and she's more nurturing, understanding, and loving then my other grandparents. I also stay at my boyfriends a lot. Now that my mom is out of prison, she's trying to control every aspect of my life. Shes trying to make me move back home out of Susan's house, and I don't want to. I don't like it there. They condone drug abuse and many other things, and I'm just not comfortable. She's even threatened to call the police and say I'm a runaway because she has custody of me. My boyfriend has always had this picture-perfect life, and his family are strict Christians. One time, his mom even went as far as to say that if he and I break up, if we were having sex, I would say that he raped me. I've got so many problems I don't even know what to do.", "answerText": "Thank you for reaching out and I can see that this is getting to the point that it is becoming overwhelming with all that is going on. To address your question, the best answer is that it will take time and from what I read you are still living through it , so your feelings are perfectly normal for the situation. I get the impression that you really need someone to process through all that you have been through and unfortunately getting adequate feedback would best be done meeting one on one with a therapist vs. through a question answer forum. If you are currently in school you could see about meeting with a school therapist or if you are over the age of 15, in most states you can consent to your own therapy. If you choose not to meet with a therapist I would encourage you to call a crisis hotline to help you safety plan to keep yourself safe around your parents 1-800-273-8255 If you chose to meet with a therapist keep in mind that a lot of what you experienced can be reported to Family protective services since you are a minor. You can also choose to make a report if you are feeling unsafe with your parents.Im glad to hear that you have your grandmother for support. Im sure this is a lot to take in and I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm just not happy with my marriage", "questionText": "He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.", "answerText": "Im sorry you are experiencing this and Im glad that you are looking for help and support. Im not sure of all the details so take from answer what you can. If you are feeling unsafe or scared in your relationship please know that there are non profit domestic violence services that can help and provide you some more support. They can also safely plan with you if you choose to leave. It seems that you might be feeling defeated and if thats the case a lot of domestic violence non profits provide free counseling if you are needing to talk to someone. What you are going through can be overwhelming and your are taking the right steps toward healing"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm just not happy with my marriage", "questionText": "He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.", "answerText": "Good for you on recognizing your own feelings. Often in an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused, starts doubting themselves and starts tolerating, then accepting abuse.Marriage is based in love and feeling taken care of by the partner. Feeling scared is the opposite of this.If you feel ready, tell him the way you feel and pay attention to how willing your husband is to being aware that he yells and that you feel scared.If he has no idea of what you're talking about, doesn't want to understand what you feel, then slowly take steps to understand within yourself whether or not tolerating your husband's behavior is acceptable to live with on an everyday basis."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm falling for my abusive and cheating ex-boyfriend", "questionText": "My kids dad and I broke up two years ago. He still wants me back, and I just started to fall for him again. But our kids are with Child Protective Services: thats why we broke up. He started to talk to other women, and he put his hands on me.", "answerText": "What you are experiencing is common with survivors of abusive relationships. Even abusive relationships have positive moments in them and typically for survivors those are things they still love and care about of the abuser. A lot of it could also be grief over the loss of the relationship and also your children. A lot of time people return to thier abuser because thats the only support that they have. If this is something you are going through I would encourage you to seek out a domestic violence non profit in your area because they can provide you with additional support. I dont know the whole situation but keep in mind that abusers will make promises and say what they think the other person wants to hear to get them to return. Attached is an example of what I am talking about:http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfBased on what you decide I would encourage you to keep caution and boundaries. It might be helpful to safety plan with a domestic violence non profit."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there anything I can do to help my siblings escape our emotionally abusive father?", "questionText": "I'm in college currently, so I am not a direct victim anymore. My father is very abusive with his words and actions, and my siblings are getting treated horribly.", "answerText": "Yes you can help! Emotional and verbal abuse can cause a negative impact in your family. It is important that you encourage your siblings to seek assistance with a therapist, and maybe help them find one, they should have school counselors available and if not our college counselor may help you to get referrals. Its also a good idea to talk to your mom about the issue and ask her if she would like help as well. If you are concerned about your siblings' safety, contact Family Protective Services in your state, they will investigate and refer your father to classes or therapy as needed. It takes courage to do the right thing, you can do this!Hay algo que pueda hacer para ayudar a mis hermanos a escapar de nuestro emocionalmente abusivo padre?Actualmente estoy en la universidad, as que no soy victima directamente. Mi padre es muy abusivo con sus palabras y acciones, y trata a mis hermanos horriblemente.Tu si puedes ayudar! El abuso emocional y verbal puede causar daos graves en la familia. Es importante que motives a tus hermanos a visitar e incluso encontrar a un terapista, la escuela debe tener uno disponible, y tambin puedes pedirle referidos a tu Consejero universitario. Tambin es buena idea que hables con tu mama al respecto y le preguntes si a ella le gustara buscar ayuda. Si te preocupa la seguridad de tus hermanos, contacta a el Departamento de Proteccin a la Familia en tu estado para reportar el abuso. Ellos investigaran y determinaran si el hogar es un ambiente seguro par tus hermanos y recomendaran terapia o clases para tu papa. Hay que ser valiente para hacer lo correcto, t puedes hacerlo!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome the nightmare from the domestic violence of a past relationship?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.", "answerText": "Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome the nightmare from the domestic violence of a past relationship?", "questionText": "I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be \"over\" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counselingat this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up \"sleepy hygiene\" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search \"Nightmare re-scripting\" or \"Nightmare Exposure\" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Is my therapist telling my abuser the results of my test a HIPAA violation?", "questionText": "After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests.", "answerText": "It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission. There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however. For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board. The boardwill then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband treats me terribly", "questionText": "My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together.", "answerText": "Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask \"Should we call it quits?\". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together.The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength.It's called \"learned helplessness\". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you.You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse.This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child.I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible to gain joy and prosperity in my relationship after years of unhappiness?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. Throughout the entire first day that we met, he and I had the opportunity to interact quite a lot and instantly sparked a deep connection with one another. That same night, he and a friend stayed over at my house (without my mom's acknowledgment) and we kissed. The next two days were a repetition of the first day. On the third night, my mother finally caught us, and I was kicked out of my house. I left with him of course, and we went from meeting each other to being like a married couple. It was very hard for us. His stepdad also kicked him out of his home, and we were staying at cheap hotels and friend's houses with the little money we had. I quit my job and dropped out of school because it was hard to do anything without a stable home. There were times when we had nowhere else to go but sleep in the car outside a Walmart parking lot. Our honeymoon stage, as they call it, probably only lasted one month. After that, it was a downward spiral. We were constantly arguing about money, food, and our families. We kept having the famous \"you're doing it wrongdo it this way\" argument. After six months, we moved across the country only to live the same thing, and that's when the violence started. One afternoon, after a serious argument, he got into his truck and threatened to leave me. I was frightened that he would actually go through with his word, given that we had just moved to a place where we knew no one. He told me to let him leave or he would hit me. He had once promised he would never touch me, so I challenged him to do it. He slapped me, and ever since that time, when we have serious fights, he loses control and hurts me. I haven't had the courage to leave him, and there's really nothing stopping me now. I don't live with him, I don't depend on him, and we don't have children. We both haven't been able to let go of that deep connection that we still have and that has been damaged so badly. He always apologizes, and at the beginning, he was more willing to change. Now he just wants me to understand why he does it and how I don't ever make the effort to try to be okay. I've read enough about domestic violence to know that it's not my fault that he loses control, so that's not even an issue for me. I know he has to change that on his own. I just want to know if there's people who have gone through this and had the tables turned? Is there hope for a better future together?", "answerText": "Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for?Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much.I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to stop physically abusing my girlfriend", "questionText": "I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because Ive never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think Im about to lose her, if I already havent. I throw things at her when Im angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I dont want to lose her, and I dont want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.", "answerText": "Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't \"hit her enough to cause harm\"?), but you're headed in the right direction.I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants.This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to stop physically abusing my girlfriend", "questionText": "I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because Ive never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think Im about to lose her, if I already havent. I throw things at her when Im angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I dont want to lose her, and I dont want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.", "answerText": "Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptiveways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work rightaway. Deep breathing takes practice!Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get out of an abusive relationship?", "questionText": "I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He cheated on me and the woman is now pregnant. He is physically and mentally abusive towards me. I have attempted to talk with him in order to resolve our issues; however, he never wants to talk and often blames me for everything. Im always there when he needs my help. He tells me although I help him doesnt mean that I am a good person. He always discredits me as a woman and its hurtful. I spend most day crying and feeling lonely. I am unhappy and unsure of what I need to do.", "answerText": "That sounds like a very hurtful situation. Unfortunately, without a batterers intervention course or a desire to change, the abuse cycle is unlikely to stop. I do not recommend that you try to leave on your own due that being the most dangerous time when in an abusive relationship. As an abuser, his goal is to control you whether it's through mental or verbal means. I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing, transportation, and any other needed resources to women leaving an abusive relationship. There is help out there and you are not alone. If you need any additional resources in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me."}, {"questionTitle": "I have a son with my girlfriend, but she is emotionally abusive. What do I do?", "questionText": "I have a child with my baby mother. She works I take care of our young son. She says she is not cheating I have not found anything but she always putting me down, telling me to get out and telling me she doesn't love me, but then the next day after our fight she says she does. I'm having a hard time because before our child she said she was raped by a family member but she never went to the hospital or the cops. Now me and my family don't talk. She's always telling me I'm annoying and just belittles me. Nothing I do is right. She says I work you watch the baby. On her days off she never cooks or cleans. I have no friends or family and a couple months ago she was confiding to some guy, but says he's not any thing to her. What do I do? I don't want to leave.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are in a tough situation. You have to ask yourself why you don't want to leave her. Is it because of the child? Or is it because you want the relationship to work? You must consider that being in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your child. So if the abuse continues, it would be more beneficial for you and your child to move out.On the other hand, if you are just wanting the relationship to work out despite its current state, you need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems as though you are very unhappy and undervalued in this relationship. Although your question revealed just a short bit of information, I didn't read about any positives in the relationship.Sometimes it's extremely hard to leave a relationship even though you know that the relationship itself is harmful for you. However, with time and focus you can do it. Each day will get a little easier and you have to trust yourself that you are making the right situation for you and your child.However, if you really feel that you want to stay in the relationship, you have to be upfront with her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and give her specific examples of how she is hurting you. This gives her a chance to render the situation. If after this there is no improvement, I suggest that you start reconsidering your decision to stay.I also think it would be valuable for you to start engaging in things outside of the home that make you happy. Are there any hobbies you enjoy? Are there any groups in the area that you can join such as playgroups that will allow you to engage with other parents? Start looking into these options and finding an avenue for you to do something for your own benefit.It is certainly not healthy for you to isolate yourself from friends and family. You need to have additional support networks besides the one with your girlfriend, especially since this has not been a healthy environment lately.Thank you for reaching out. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "When should I give up on a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive known my boyfriend for several years. We were friends for a long time. In 2013 we started a relationship, and he even asked me to move in with him since I lived out of state. I planned to move in with him in 2014 after I finished school and he found a job. However, during this time we had a few arguments and broke up with each other for a short period of time. We decided later to make it work. Shortly after, I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted to tell him during his next visit. However, he never came to see me and instead asked me for money. After I gave him money, he quit answering my phone calls and texts. Soon after, I experienced a miscarriage. I texted him about what had happened, and he didnt seem to care. I was extremely hurt by this. I still decided to move back as I had originally planned. He helped me with the move and replaced the money I had lent him. During this time, I asked if he wanted to be in this relationship because I needed to know. Although he says he did, I hardly ever see him. He never got a job, which was in the original plan. After that, we both started seeing other people for a short amount of time but once again got back together. Once we got back together, I cut all ties with the former relationship I had been in. I thought he had too. But I found out that he did not attempt to do as I did and was still talking with another woman. In fact, he had even sent inappropriate pictures to her. When I confronted him about this, he wasnt apologetic. He said that he only did it to get even with me and was actually mad at me for looking through his phone. He even closed his car window on my finger and tried to throw me out of his car. I dont know what to do.", "answerText": "There are plenty of red flags that you have been presented with:Several breakupsNot holding up his end of the bargain regarding workLack of empathy for your miscarriageLying about his involvement with another womanPhysical violence, which is of most concern.This seems to be a very unhealthy relationship. In my experience, relationships such as these rarely become positive ones. Violence is never okay and regardless of his reasoning (you looking through his phone), it is indefensible. You have to look at these red flags and ask yourself, Is this really someone I want to marry? Is he an asset to my life? I think youll realize he is not.Best of luck to you and please know that you deserve someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect."}, {"questionTitle": "I endured sexual and physical abuse by my brother as child", "questionText": "Now I have anger and trust issues. How can I treat this and fix myself?", "answerText": "I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this. However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware.There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with sexual abuse. Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas. That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue.The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past. Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you. Angry? Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you. Having trouble trusting? Of course! The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin."}, {"questionTitle": "Why did my boyfriend hit himself in the face during an argument?", "questionText": "When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room.", "answerText": "Sounds scary to watch. I agree with you!Maybe he felt so overwhelmed by anger, hurt and frustration that he went back to an old behavior from his past in which someone hit him for having strong emotions.Now that the incident is past, bring up the topic to him so the two of you can discuss it.Just the fact of you having empathy and caring what he was feeling at the time, may be restorative to him.At the very least, you may find out exactly what the answer is to your question as to why he did this in the first place!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why did my boyfriend hit himself in the face during an argument?", "questionText": "When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room.", "answerText": "Seeing your boyfriend hitting his face sounds very scary! Sometimes when people are experiencing strong emotions the emotional pain becomes so overwhelming that they try to relieve the emotional pain by causing themselves physical pain. It is a dysfunctional way of calming themselves down. I dont know your boyfriend or your boyfriends history so I cant know for sure if that was what was happening, but I am certainly glad that he does not do that on a regular basis. When you are both feeling calm, and if you feel comfortable, talk to him about what happened. It is difficult to be in a relationship when you are scared and dont understand why the other person engaged in a frightening behavior. If you feel safe enough and do not worry about his reaction, I would talk to him about your feelings regarding what happened. If you dont feel safe enough and are worried about his reaction or that he might hurt you, talk to someone who knows you or a therapist who you could feel comfortable confiding in so that they could guide you on how to move forward."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I not be angry all the time?", "questionText": "My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.", "answerText": "Anger is a secondary emotion, figuring out what you felt before the anger, hurt, embarrassment, disrespect. Once you identify the underlying feeling you can address the anger."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I not be angry all the time?", "questionText": "My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.", "answerText": "Anger is a natural and healthy emotion that everyone feels from time to time. But when you find yourself being caught off guard with unexpected anger or feeling anger at a time when you cant express it, it can be difficult to cope with. So, what can you do when you find yourself feeling anger unexpectedly? Below are some strategies to help you keep your calm and respond appropriately.1. Acknowledge Your FeelingsWhen youre caught off guard with anger, you might start to feel defensive or emotional and not immediately know why. Before you do or say anything, assess your feelings and acknowledge that youre angry, and what is the likely cause of the anger. Our children got in a fight her child started, and shes wrongfully blaming my daughter.2. Take a BreathAs you acknowledge youre upset, stop and take a breath. Put physical distance between you and the other person by taking a couple of steps back.3. Be Curious Instead of FuriousIf you have difficulty controlling your anger, it can be all too easy to jump instantly into furious mode and unleash your anger. Instead of being angry, be curious. Consider why this person is behaving this way, or saying these things. Maybe they had a bad morning or heard some upsetting news.4. Its Not PersonalRemind yourself that this isnt personal to you. Oftentimes when people are behaving inappropriately or saying hurtful things, its because of things going on with them in their own lives. Practice reminding yourself that its not personal to you.5. Use I StatementsWhen youre upset, it might not always be appropriate to respond. Sometimes its best to just walk away. But if you do need to say something, focus on the behavior you find unacceptable without placing blame. Talk specifically about your feelings and the effect of the behavior on you. By communicating without placing blame, you are more likely to be understood and work toward a resolution, rather than putting the other person on defense and starting a conflict.If youre still feeling upset after a difficult exchange, try calling a friend to vent, write your feelings down in a letter youll never send, or do some exercise. Go for a walk, or join a friend for spin class. Do something nice for yourself later, like cooking a special dinner or taking a hot bath. When it comes to anger, remember that in the long run its best for you to control it, rather than allow it to control you.Are you having difficulty managing your emotions? Is anger beginning to have a significant negative impact on your life and relationships? A licensed mental health professional specializing in anger management can help. Visit denvermhc.com today and we can schedule an appointment to talk."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I not be angry all the time?", "questionText": "My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.", "answerText": "You must be feeling frustrated about how to resolve this. Some people seem to really provoke emotional responses in us. One thing to learn for a quick review of yourself when you are provoked is to pay attention to your body.Notice your heart rate, fists clenched, some warmth going through your body and these are signs that the interaction is toxic for you. Move out of the room, say something calling to both of you and let things simmer down before responding.When you are able to calm your body, think of ways to bring the issue to her attention using positive words but holding your ground. If she doesn't listen ask someone to come with you to talk to her about it, If she still won't listen, reassess your expectations of her.Finally if you need to , you may have to consider changing the status of your rooming together."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I not be angry all the time?", "questionText": "My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.", "answerText": "Must you keep this roommate in your life?If you've tried speaking with the person about your unhappiness to feel angry \"all the time\" , the problem has been going on for an extended amount of time and nothing changes, then the next step would be for both of you to part ways.It is possible each of you triggers the other in very deep and irrational ways on occasion.If the choice is to tolerate being triggered or to dissolve the relationship, then your decision is which of these two choices is better for you.Since you already know you don't like to be triggered, parting ways as soon as reasonably possible, seems the choice you prefer.Either choice is fine. Let the decision depend on which way makes you feel life is livable and happy!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I get angry so easily?", "questionText": "Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?", "answerText": "You easily get angered because you haven't trained your mind to ration how your brain interprets the events you experience. As a result you act after an event happens because you do not ration and question to find out if your interpretations of events are rational and legitimate.Anger is an emotion that communicates to us that something is not right and we feel threatened and have to fight back in self defense. All it takes is one event to be trigged and the rest is history. Anger management can help you identify what triggers you so that you can train yourself to be able to interpret events in a rational way.Anger is not the problem, it is what we do when we get angry that is the problem."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I get angry so easily?", "questionText": "Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?", "answerText": "Its important to think to yourself about what it is about losing the comb that gets you so angry. What are the thoughts that go through your mind when things that are out of your control (like losing the comb) happen? Its okay to be upset, but some self-awareness about whats going on to cause those feelings is important, and only you can know what thoughts are going through your mind when you find yourself becoming angry. Is it that you feel badly about yourself when these small things happen? If thats the case then you need to work on your self-esteem. Is it that you are frightened when you dont know where something is and that causes the anger? Try to identify the thought behind the feeling.As for the throwing things when you become angry- please know, its okay to feel angry. Feeling the emotion of anger isnt necessarily a problem. Any emotion is okay to have. Its how we express our emotions that sometimes becomes the problem. Throwing things can be a dysfunctional way of handling anger (like if the things you throw break, or if someone sees you throwing things and becomes scared) and it would be a good idea to work with a therapist or anger management coach to brainstorm some healthier ways to express your feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I get angry so easily?", "questionText": "Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?", "answerText": "Anger does have its place. When anger is experienced often or the magnitude of it does not fit the scenario, such as your losing comb, the question becomes, what does losing that comb mean to you? In the very split second that you have realized the comb is missing, there is a reaction that occurs within you, accompanied by an image or thought that like lightening flashes so quickly that you may not be aware what it is. As Sherry noted below, awareness. Awareness is fundamental. Becoming aware of ourselves and what is happening internal that sparks it off. The next time you feel angry from a \"small thing\", stop and ask yourself, why am I angry that this is lost? Find out what you are thinking or how you are speaking to yourself. You will become aware and once you are aware, steps can be taken to alter the experience for the better. A professional can assist with that!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I get angry so easily?", "questionText": "Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?", "answerText": "I don't like the word \"problem\". It is such a strong word. However I would say that you have an issue that needs to be addressed and controlled before it directed at the wrong person and gets totally out of control. I have found that anger management classes has been helpful for my clients. Try and see if it will help. You will be surprised at what you learn about your self."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I get angry so easily?", "questionText": "Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?", "answerText": "Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem.Your answer to the question is what matters.Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past.Be aware, consider, reflect on how you usually handle feeling angry. Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call \"little things\" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand.Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop overthinking and getting upset easily?", "questionText": "When I think of things people put me through in the past, I get upset all over again and take it out on everyone. I'll be mad for nothing at all and have a attitude with everyone for no reason.", "answerText": "It sounds like you have had difficulty in processing what happened to you in the past and because of that difficulty in moving past what happened to you, when you are reminded of what happened you get angry all over again. Please know that it IS possible to remember what happened but to also not have the same emotional response. It is very common to have difficulty processing a traumatic situation that occurred in the past. Many people go through this. A good therapy designed to assist with this type of issue is EMDR. Try to find a therapist who is trained in EMDR to help you with processing these memories so that you dont have the same emotional response every time you think about what happened. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop overthinking and getting upset easily?", "questionText": "When I think of things people put me through in the past, I get upset all over again and take it out on everyone. I'll be mad for nothing at all and have a attitude with everyone for no reason.", "answerText": "You're definitely not mad at \"nothing\".I agree with your point about not emitting your upset about internal matters onto people who have nothing to do with what bothers you.Your internal stressors are real, otherwise you wouldn't feel the way you describe.Take time to understand what bothers you about past situations and leave open the amount of time you will need to feel finished with examining these topics.The more thoroughly you understand yourself, the less likely you will be to bring past stressors into current relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less angry?", "questionText": "I get really mad easily at my parents and family.", "answerText": "Anger is usually pain and frustration which cannot be expressed directly to people in your surroundings.How someone can be less angry is by directly saying your thoughts and feelings.One approach is to to tell either or both parent that you would like them to hear you.Knowing you tried to be heard adds to your own self-respect, regardless of their willingness to do as you ask.If you are simply left with no chance to make yourself understood by them, then look for ways to expand your social support system so you do have people who willingly hear and talk with you.Even if social media groups are the only format available to you, it is at least some type of human interaction and interest in who you are"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less angry?", "questionText": "I get really mad easily at my parents and family.", "answerText": "Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. If you are angry and you can talk about your feelings, that would be very helpful. Anger usually comes along with something else, like feeling sad, worried, overwhelmed, confused, and many others. Consider looking at what you notice in addition to anger and you may have a different starting point. If you get along well with friends and don't get angry with them, look at the differences. Do you feel criticized by your parents or family? Misunderstood? There could be any number of things.I wonder if you start getting angry very slowly and it builds or if it happens quickly. Try to keep an eye on the patterns and see if you can stop and look at what else is going on as you start to get angry. Anger is a real emotion in itself. It almost always connects to something else as well."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control myself and my anger?", "questionText": "I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.", "answerText": "Death of someone with whom we had fond involvement, is sad. Accepting that a person is permanently gone from this earth, is unsettling and can feel painful.That you had no current contact with this person doesn't exclude the meaning or feelings from within your relationship with this person. Relationships don't require a time measurement in order to affect us. Your question acknowledges the process of adjusting to life without the chance to see or hear from this person again.It is normal to grieve so be gentle and not critical of yourself when you feel yourself missing this person."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control myself and my anger?", "questionText": "I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.", "answerText": "Meditation may be able to assist you in dealing and looking at your anger differently. Anger is not usually just anger. Behind our anger may lie rejection, grief, loneliness, a longing to reconnect, etc. When we ignore or repress our anger, we are always ignoring these other emotions as well.Meditation is the midpoint between expressing and repressing anger. It allows us a space to stay present with it as it arises and recognize the many faces of anger. By doing this, we are able to become aware of our feelings to learn more about them and not be swept away by them.Learn more here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/26/meditate-to-manage-anger"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control myself and my anger?", "questionText": "I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.", "answerText": "Awareness is the first step. Now that you know that you snap and push people away, you can look into ways to control your anger. If you give yourself the time to analyze why you experience anger, you will discover that there are other feelings underneath; shame, frustration, disappointment, and fear are some of the feelings that we cover with anger when we are not ready to deal with them or dont know how to express them. So next time you feel angry, even if you snap (with practice you will be able to identify them ahead of time), identify why you are angry, and try to express it out loud. A therapist can help you to learn assertive communication skill using examples drawn from your daily experiences.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Cmo puedo controlarme y a mi coraje?Exploto fcilmente y alejo a las personas. Necesito ayudo antes de hacer que mi novio se aleje.Tener conciencia de la situacin es el primer paso. Ahora que sabes que explotas y alejas a las personas, puedes buscar maneras de controlar tu enojo. Si te das tiempo para analizar porque te da coraje, descubrirs que hay otras emociones escondidas, la vergenza, la frustracin, la decepcin y el miedo son algunas de las emociones que cubrimos con coraje cuando no estamos listos para revelarlas, procesarlas o expresarlas. As que la prxima vez que ests a punto de explotar, o cuando ya hayas explotado (con la practica uno aprende a identificarlas de antemano), identifica por que estas enojada e intenta expresarlo en voz alta. Un consejero te puede ayudar aprender tcnicas de comunicacin asertiva usando ejemplos de tu vida cotidiana.Si te gustara hacer terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my temper?", "questionText": "I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.", "answerText": "Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps..."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my temper?", "questionText": "I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.", "answerText": "Well, yes, of course it scares them. They see someone they love behaving is frightening ways. That's a good reason to want to manage your emotions differently...but what are your thoughts on your anger? Do you think your angry feelings justify lashing out?The thing is that feeling angry is just that...feeling. Acting out is behavior and that affects everyone around you. Do you need to manage your behavior, as well as your feelings? My guess is that you do.First you need to pay better attention to your feelings \"thermostat\". If you are always near \"boiling\" you don't have much margin for error. It's in your best interest, and that of your family, to bring that temperature down. That may mean more physical activity, meditation, journaling or some other outlet.The next, and bigger, question is what are you so mad about? Or are you really sad, scared, confused? Anger is a secondary emotion, much like pneumonia is a secondary infection. Anger, which sets us up to defend ourselves against a perceived danger, is often a cover for feelings that leave us more vulnerable. That means people who are grieving may exhibit rage; people who are scared may lash out.That doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it might explain it. Get in t o see a therapist ASAP. You need a bit of help to identify both anger triggers and underlying feelings that get played out as anger. You are not a bad person for exhibiting emotions, but anger can quickly become destructive - get help now!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my temper?", "questionText": "I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.", "answerText": "Yes you can.. If you cannot control your temper, who can? You have more power of your emotions, thoughts and feeling than you are giving yourself credit for. If this is scaring your wife and child, you need to get control of it immediately. Try going to an anger management class. It will help to discover what is the root cause of your anger, what triggers it and how you can control/manage it. If you can't go to a class, try self help books or even better yet counseling and support of a professional counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with my alcoholic boyfriend with a dark past?", "questionText": "We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.", "answerText": "You shouldn't need to educate yourself on violent outbursts. He is the one in the position to change his violent outbursts. They are his behavior, not yours. All you're trying to do is have a relationship with this guy.The one task to do is during a quiet time to tell your boyfriend the way you feel about his outbursts.His answer, whether he denies having a problem, blames you for his problem, tells you the problem isn't so bad, why are you complaining, tells you a lot about his willingness to change.Whether or not he considers himself to have a problem and wants to change himself, is very good for you to know.This tells you what to expect from him in future. You can reflect and plan ahead for your own life depending on your tolerance and willingness to live with what he answers you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with my alcoholic boyfriend with a dark past?", "questionText": "We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.", "answerText": "First, let me extend my compassion to both of you -- it sounds like you have a lot on your plates. Childhood trauma carries its negative effects into our adulthood and affects everyone who loves us.Your question is brief, so I'll just try to give general answers as best I can. From my experiences treating many people with your boyfriend's experiences, the short, healthy answer is that you can't fix the situation and maybe not even be able to help. He needs a professional. Period.What you cando, is take care of yourself. With his background, it is not likely that he will be able to help you or take care of you in a healthy way. Your task needs to prioritize your own safety and well-being. Trauma and substance abuse are the definition of being out of control, unable to set and manage appropriate boundaries, manage his own emotions and behaviors. So your boyfriend is unlikely to be able to change in the near-term, certainly not without professional help. You might also benefit from help and support, to understand your own role in your relationship and how you can make changes in your life. I am NOT blaming you for any aspect of your boyfriend's behavior, only acknowledging that there are two people in every relationship. If you have accepted your boyfriend's drinking and violent outbursts in the past (by staying in the relationship), that is likely to perpetuate his behavior. And there isn't any way to \"handle violent outbursts.\" They shouldn't be handled at all, and if you have to be away from your boyfriend during his outbursts in order to be emotionally and physically safe, then that may be what you will have to do.We can never really change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes our behavior changes the odds of another person's behaviors, but it doesn't control it. I would recommend that you work with a professional to first, ensure your own safety above all. Then make decisions about what behavior you are willing to accept or be connected to, and which you want to separate from. Whatever your boyfriend does in his life, you will be happier if you manage your own feelings, set boundaries, etc. Let me say again that you also would benefit from some good insight and support as you continue your journey.Wishing you and your boyfriend healing and recovery."}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend always brings up past events and talks negatively about them", "questionText": "Any time things get heated, the past gets brought up. I raise my voice at her to try to get a point across. She asks open-ended questions but always has to turn my own answer against me. She's seven months pregnant. I have drank in the past, but I'm not dependent on alcoholI only drink at social events.", "answerText": "Have you tried to talk about the subjects of the past, in the present at a time in which there is no heat between the two of you?Since your gf would like to resolve situations from the past the best way to do so would be to talk about them. The more you try to avoid certain subjects the more likely they will come up between you at worse possible moments.If you can get ahead of the pattern of old topics coming up without your control, then try scheduling a discussion about them. This by itself will show your gf you care about what she cares about and this may be one quality she would feel good about."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I just be happy and not mad all the time?", "questionText": "Everything just makes me upset.", "answerText": "Anger often comes with a lot of other emotions. Consider what else you may be feeling at the same time and keep track of your different mood changes. You may be able to notice patterns, such as being more frustrated when you don't sleep well. If you do feel as though you are mad all the time, can you think of any exceptions so you can see what is different in those times?"}, {"questionTitle": "I need help controlling my anger", "questionText": "My long-term girlfriend broke up with me recently. She says it's because of my anger.", "answerText": "I need help controlling my anger.Anger is like a blanket that contains other emotion from bursting out and serves as a shield to protect us when we are not able to manage external issues. Anger also helps us understand that theres something wrong that needs to change. Once we understand that something else caused us to feel angry, then we can explore the source of anger.Ask yourself: Why am angry, Am I hurt, disappointed, confused, embarrassed etc.? Once you find the answer, explore how often that happens and whats your reaction. Then explore how else you could respond or react. You could use I-statements as a way to communicate your true feelings to your girlfriend or whoever is involved in the scenario. This is a good exercise to practice with your Counselor or mental health provider because many unresolved issues may arise during this exploration, especially if you have been angry for a long timeAlso, it is important to understand the difference between anger and aggressionand learn to manage our anger before we act on it. Anger is a feeling; aggression is when you act out your anger physically, verbally and psychologically. Find ways to vent: crying or sweating will help to release your anger, and balance the chemical response that our body creates when you become angry. Physical activity and meditation exercises can also provide a break when you manage strong emotions.Necesito ayuda para controlar mi coraje.El coraje es como una manta que cubre otras emociones evitando que se desborden y sirve como un escudo que nos protege cuando no podemos manejar problemas externos. El coraje tambin nos ayudo a entender que hay algo mal que debemos cambiar. Cuando entendemos que algo mas causo el coraje entonces podemos explorar la fuente.Pregntate a ti mismo: Por qu tengo coraje, estoy herido, decepcionado, confundido, avergonzado, etc.? Ya que encuentres la respuesta, explora cuan frecuente tienes esa reaccin. Luego explora como puedes reaccionar en otra ocasin. Puedes usar expresiones del Yo para comunicar tus verdaderos sentimientos a la persona envuelta en la situacin. Esto es un buen ejercicio para practicar con tu Consejero o profesional de la salud mental ya que otros conflictos sin resolver pueden surgir durante este proceso de exploracin.Tambin es importante entender la diferencia entre el coraje y la agresin, y aprender a manejar el coraje antes que actuemos. El coraje es un sentimiento y la agresin es cuando expresas tu coraje agrediendo a alguien, fsica, emocional o sicolgicamente. Encuentra maneras de desagotare, llorar o sudar te pueden ayudar en este proceso al balancear la respuesta qumica que crea el cuerpo cuando estamos molestos. El la actividad fsica y la meditacin tambin pueden ayudarte a relajarte y tomar un descanso cuando manejas emociones fuertes."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with my son's violent thoughts and dreams?", "questionText": "My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!", "answerText": "If your son is reporting \"extremely violent thoughts and dreams\" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare. Don't take his reports lightly. For him to tell you, he knows that something is not right. He is seeking and needing help. Get it immediately. Best to be safe than sorry."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with my son's violent thoughts and dreams?", "questionText": "My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!", "answerText": "Let me start my stating this is important to take seriously - taking to his PCP, getting a referral to a pediatric specialist, and getting him to a relational psychotherapist would be my first tasks.I wont label this occurrences as \"normal\" yet it is important to note these things do occur. My first observation is to say that it is a tremendous advantage that your son is communicating what he is experiencing. I'd encourage him to continue to do so, no matter the extent of his thoughts - his trust of you being able the handle his experience is of utmost importance. His containment and sense of security is also dependent on your reaction to what he shares. Seek professional help, communicating your support, including a plan of action, and reassuring him you will figure this out together will help you as you begin."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with the anger problems I've gained from my soon-to-be husband?", "questionText": "I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.", "answerText": "With me knowing thata healthy relationshipusually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship. Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating. Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively. I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital. Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with the anger problems I've gained from my soon-to-be husband?", "questionText": "I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.", "answerText": "My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop being so angry?", "questionText": "I have not been able to really sleep. I stay up all times of the night not even knowing why. Every day, I feel like I have anger inside of me. I have a little family, but I can't open up to them like I want to. I have a son, and I feel that I take my anger out on him by screaming at him.", "answerText": "Best question is....what are you so angry about? You can't stop being so angry until you figure out what is the root of your anger. If you feel like you have anger inside, while I am sure you do. Taking it out on your son is only passing on the hurt and anger. This will be inside him too. Get some professional help so that you can be happy and have a happy child."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so mad?", "questionText": "My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment.", "answerText": "Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations. Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate?", "questionText": "Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.", "answerText": "Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others.There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible.Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind. Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are.For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all.Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing.Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting.Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate?", "questionText": "Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.", "answerText": "Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help control your anger and communicate more effectively.Here is what I would recommend you try: Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of actionor redirect your thoughts all together. Often when webecome angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotionsget in the way. Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about 5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during situations in which you are angry or upset. Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support the negative thoughts? Often the answer is \"no.\" Learn to stop the negative thoughts and replace them with logical andmore positive ones. Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use \"I\" statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her by using \"you\" statements. For example, you might say something such as, \"I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get to spend time with you\" versus \"You always stay out late and don't even care about me.\" The speaker should also avoid using black and white language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want to be responsive and offer fair solutions. I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes from."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate?", "questionText": "Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.", "answerText": "Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a \"secondary emotion\", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion.Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel \"too much\" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like \"No one lifes me\", or \"People will always hurt me\". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who \"piss you off\", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less confused about my feelings towards anything?", "questionText": "I don't know how to notice or express my feelings besides anger. That's really the only one i feel.", "answerText": "Well, then give yourself some credit for noticing that you recognize at least one feeling that you have!What is your own theory as to what is difficult to know your feelings? Your answer will give you clues as to unearthing your willingness to be aware of the way you feel.Sometimes the family in which someone grew up, did all they could to stop the kids from knowing who they were.In some families there were very severe consequences if a child spoke up with an independent mind. By knowing where your difficulties started, you may very well be able to release the situation in which you learned to suppress your feelings.Also, spend some time with yourself just enjoying who you are. Often, people who have difficulty in expressing themselves, suffered shame and humiliation as a child. They have a chronic sense of worthlessness, and feeling worthless certainly works against self-expression. By having a good time being with yourself, you may increase your self-appreciation and this will go a long way to believing that your feelings are worth knowing and stating."}, {"questionTitle": "I need to know how to cope with misophonia before I go completely insane", "questionText": "The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headachesmostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself.", "answerText": "Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring.If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen.Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them.Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps.I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head.One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone.Your needs matter."}, {"questionTitle": "i need answers to my angry, possessiveness, and urges", "questionText": "I need answers to my anger, possessiveness, and urges. I am angry all the time. I push people away so much that I actually blow up on people now because they ask me how my day is or was. I have a possessiveness to someone who is not even mine. I have these urges to hurt someone really bad. I want to see them beg for me to stop hurting. I want to hear their agonizing pained-filled voices. What is wrong with me?", "answerText": "What result are you hoping to get from the behaviors you describe?Maybe start by comparing the results you see yourself receiving from your current interactions, with how you would wish to feel from relating to others.Since you ask, \"what is wrong with me?\", there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you'd like in return.This is true even with imagining doing harm to others.What are you really trying to accomplish for yourself by hurting others?Besides the unethicalness and criminality of this and legal consequences of arrest for such behaviors, what gain which is not evil, do you expect from overpowering and imagining you control another human being?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my anger?", "questionText": "I have a really bad temper. I get mad very easily then stay like that the whole day. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it.", "answerText": "A lot of times the anger someone expresses is from feeling a deep level hurt within themselves. A surface situation, like, a store told you they'd have delivery of a certain item by Tuesday, and when that particular Tuesday comes, the store doesn't have what they told you they would, and you are furious.The fury may have more with many times before in your life, having been deeply let down by someone who mattered to your life at the time, who similarly promised something and failed to deliver whatever it.If at the time of feeling let down by someone important in your life, the relationship didn't allow for honest expression of all your emotions, you'd have learned to hold in what you realized would not be tolerated if you expressed it clearly.Without practice of being heard when feeling hurt by someone, eventually the person, possibly you, learned to contain and contain your emotions.It is possible that the anger you feel at a variety of situations lately, are muting hurt feelings that you've understood from relating to meaningful people in your personal history, to not talk about.As a way to find out if you feel other emotions in addition to anger, take some time to reflect on what triggered your anger and whether its possible that hurt emotions which nobody whom you know wants to hear, are really the underlying source of your upset.I hope you will enjoy some new discoveries about yourself and your emotions!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I manage my anger?", "questionText": "I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.", "answerText": "First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope withlife's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try tohelp control your anger, but theones thatI would recomend first are the following:1.Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Sincearguing withthem is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit.Choose a time to talk with themabout \"heated issues\" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use \"I phrases\" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them.Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view.2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhaleeven slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes.3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts.4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry.I wish you all the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I manage my anger?", "questionText": "I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you have so many arguments with your parents. Ideally parents are people who tolerate that their kids are people with their own unique characteristics.Everyone likes feeling loved by their parent. Do you feel loved even though you and them have clashes?Anger is a symptom of a problem.The real question is knowing what feels like its being hurt inside of you.I agree with your idea of talking with a psychologist or some other type of licensed professional therapist.See if your area has a family service agency in it. Generally the non-profit sectors offer sliding scale fees, and if you qualify, your cost per session would be financially comfortable for you.One possibility is to tell your parents that you'd like starting therapy because of feeling so much stress from the family arguing.They may very well be surprised to learn of your maturity in assessing your level of stress and be willing to make a positive contribution to this by offering to authorize therapy through their health insurance.They may even decide on family counseling so all of you work together to relate in more loving ways.Last, if you aren't ready to speak with your parents about wanting counseling, think about speaking to your school guidance counselor. This person may have some recommendations for your specific geographic location."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I constantly angry?", "questionText": "I don't know what's with me. I'm almost constantly angry. Even when I'm happy, I still feel anger inside me. When I acknowledge it, it ruins my mood and takes over. I get angry at the littlest things. Even if I think someone said something they didn't, it infuriates me. Something perfectly normal can make me go off. When my anger flares up, I get a terrible pain in my chest that lasts for a while. It's like there is a fire constantly burning in my body, and anger is gasoline.", "answerText": "Hi Nashville, I'm glad you want this to be different. It doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, and it's stealing your energy as well as affecting relationships, I'm sure.Working with a therapist, you can learn to recognise the deep emotions that lie underneath the anger. It's likely to be either powerlessness or worthlessness, and what happens is this... a small moment in the present touches on an old, tender, bruised emotion that we've simply felt too much of or too strongly in the past. We develop ways of avoiding these vulnerable emotions, and anger is one way of doing that.So, when someone looks at you in a certain way, or says something, you'd rather be angry than feel powerless, or unimportant (or whatever your kryptonite feeling is). In that moment, your instinct is to blame whatever happened, no matter how small, because that's the thing that happened just before you got mad. You fail to recognise that the problem is not the look on that person's face, or the shoe that someone left in front of the door...it's that you can't stand feeling something and you want to avoid it like you want to stamp your foot out if it's on fire.I suggest finding a therapist to work with. You can learn to take responsibility for your old emotions and find new ways to manage them. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with anger problems towards my mom", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Anger is a natural and healthy emotion, however, it can be difficult to deal with if it becomes overwhelming and depending on what we have been taught about it and how to express it. A competent therapist may be able to help you figure out ways to relate to your anger and your mother that will feel right to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my anger?", "questionText": "When I see something I dont like, I go off like a ticking time bomb. I go from 0 to 100 really quickly.", "answerText": "Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinkingonly about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "My husband and I cant talk to each other without arguing", "questionText": "Every time I speak, he says I anger him. Also, when hes mad at something, like work, he gets angry at me. I feel like were so distant from each other now. We used to laugh all the time, and I feel like he lets too much negativity in. What should I do? We've been married for two years but together for seven.", "answerText": "Hi, Newark. It sounds to me like your husband is going through something, and I think you understand that. You might feel very helpless, sad, and disrespected at the same time. He's changed.It's unfair for him to blame you for his emotions. His mood issues are about him, not you, and he's either not recognising that or not taking responsibility for it.Are you respecting yourself here by drawing appropriate boundaries? You can let him know when you feel disrespected, and what's not okay with you.He may be experiencing depression, which often shows up as irritability in men. It could be that he's not telling you something, or he's unaware of his emotional processes. You can try a \"I'm really worried about you. You don't seem happy and I don't know how to help you. Some things are happening that aren't okay with me. Will you see a therapist?\" approach. Perhaps you could go with him the first time?It's about a combination of compassion, self-respect and seeking professional help, I believe. I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I get random spurts of anger over petty things?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager. I get random spurts of anger, like complete, pure rage. I figured it was hormones, but others notice it too. I get self-destructive. I used to cut but stopped. Now when I get mad, I bite my arms and fingers, pull my hair, scratch my face, or punch my thighs. Basically, I do things I can hide instead of breaking anything in my room and having to explain it to my mom. I don't live in a bad household. I have a great family, a great relationship with my boyfriend, and a good job. I have no idea what this is and I don't know how to control it. It's over any little thing. Tonight, it was because I couldn't get my earrings out. This happens maybe two to three times on a good week, and it's always over stupid, petty things.", "answerText": "Hi. I'm glad you wrote. In general, when a small thing bothers us (and this happens to all of us), it's because the small thing triggers an emotion in us that we have felt \"too much\" or \"too intensely\" in the past, and we don't know how to manage that emotion effectively...we just want to avoid it as quickly as possible. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a qualified therapist can help you to understand what is being triggered in you and learn how to manage emotions productively. You say that your behaviours are self destructive, and I agree. It sounds like you have developed a habit of channelling your distress towards self-harm, and this is a separate and potentially more serious problem. This is a choice you make that points to shame being an issue for you. Again, a good therapist can help you learn what's behind your shame and self-harm. Your feelings are normal, and you can learn more healthy ways to deal with them with qualified help."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm being emotionally abused by my dad. I need advice on how to hold my temper with him", "questionText": "", "answerText": "First, I'd like to say that I can't imagine what it must feel like to live in your shoes and have to be exposed to such treatment. Oftentimes, people don't recognize how serious this type of abuse can be. It's very important you first recognize that it is absolutely impossible for any of us to change a person. So the only thing you have control over is you - your response, your set boundaries, and your support system. It's very important that you set healthy boundaries, express these expectations to him, and consistently follow them. I cannot stress how important have a strong support system - a circle of caring people - who can help keep you accountable with your boundaries and who you can reach out to if you ever feel your safety is at risk. There is only so much I can explain via writing so let me know if you need any additional help. Feel free to contact me. - Natalie"}, {"questionTitle": "I have anger issues. I am extremely explosive about the simplest things", "questionText": "I easily recognize this but have no control over it and need suggestions for managing my anger.", "answerText": "I suggest that you work on emotional awareness.Emotional awareness basically means knowing what you are feeling and why.Emotional awareness also means that you can identify the link between the way you are feeling and your actions. In other words knowing that your feelings dictate what you do.Often feelings of hurt or insecurity can come out as anger if we cannot properly identify and express the feelings.Being emotionally aware also means that you are able to express your feelings to others. Being unable to do so leads to feelings of frustration and being misunderstood.Many people for many different reasons are not in touch with their emotions. For example, men traditionally have been brought up taught to not express sadness or weakness. Therefore, many men learned to turn feelings of sadness, insecurities, or fears into anger and express these feelings as anger. Being taught not to feel a certain emotion does not make that emotion disappear. Instead it makes us learn how to express it in other, incorrect, ways. If a man never learns to say I am sad or that really hurt my feelings and instead lashes out in anger, then the response they get from those around them will be to the anger and not a response to the underlying true feeling, which will leave the man feeling alone and misunderstood.You can control yourself and not explode. Walk away, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you have to do to not lash out. Instead of reacting the way you normally would, go somewhere by yourself and think about what just happened and try to understand why such a simple thing upset you. What is the real feeling driving these outbursts? Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern.It might help to keep an anger journal. Write down everything that gets you upset. That might help you see a pattern and pinpoint what may be setting you off. Talking with a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get rid of my nightmares?", "questionText": "I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.", "answerText": "One of the ways to decrease nightmares is to document your dreams. In addition to keeping a dream journal,it's important to work with the content of the dream and revise the ending.It's important for you to work with atherapist that is trained in dream work. The researcherMontangero (2009) pointed out that in using the cognitive approach to dream analysis, the therapist follows the basic tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy and that they help the individual to enhance their cognitive skills in order to be able to alleviate their psychological distress .For example, in the treatment of nightmares one of the methods that is used with the cognitive approach is imagery rehearsal therapy. The basic premise of the approach is that those who have recurring nightmares and are experiencing insomnia, later come to understand that The insomnia is brought on by anxiety. Unlike cognitive experiential dream theory, the approach does not integrate other theoretical orientations.. The approach to nightmares and the treatment of them, is aligned with cognitive experiential dream approaches as the individual has the opportunity to revise their dream if they have an unpleasant dream. Although the scary dreams may not disappear altogether, they may lessen in frequency."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get rid of my nightmares?", "questionText": "I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.", "answerText": "There's a narrative approach that we call nightmare \"rescripting\" that may be helpful.Since we can't really control the nature of our dreams while they're happening, we try to alter them while we are in a waking state.In a nutshell, this refers to first writing out in detail the events of a recurring nightmare you have. Typically, there is an element of fear, danger or helplessness.Second, we rescript the nightmare by changing what happens in the dream in a way that engenders feelings of empowerment, control, competence, and/or safety. In other words, if the nightmare involved being pursued or assaulted, we might change the events of the story so that you call the police, get to a place of safety, or even fight back and protect yourself.Third, you can reread this new version of the dream over and over again, so that it becomes a well rehearsed story. The effect of this can make it so that the next time your mind goes towards the nightmare while sleeping, this new, more hopeful and empowering story competes with the old one and reduces the level of distress associated with the dream. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get rid of my nightmares?", "questionText": "I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.", "answerText": "Are you facing any type of overwhelming situation in your waking life?Dreams and nightmares are the non-logical ways in which we make emotional sense of what goes on in our everyday waking world.Besides having some type of relaxing bedtime routine to set a peaceful mood for your sleep, and avoiding viewing violent films and video games as entertainment, maybe even avoiding news stories which sometimes have similar themes of violence, the content of our dreams and nightmares is out of our direct control.Your nightmares may offer useful clues as to what you're trying to resolve in your life. Pay attention to the story of your nightmare because it reflects how you feel in waking life.If you feel helpless and silenced in your nightmare, or taken advantage of, or whatever dreadful situation goes on during your nightmare, then look for where in waking life, you may feel similar.In this way, you'll become clearer about stressors in your life that you may not have realized existed were it not for the stress of nightmares."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I get a weird feeling every few months or so?", "questionText": "I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this.", "answerText": "I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start."}, {"questionTitle": "Ive suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years", "questionText": "It takes me a long time to fall asleep; Id estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my fathers business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?", "answerText": "Youre noticing that as you lie down to go to sleep, there is quite a bit going on, which may be anxiety related. It sounds like the dreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had around the time of your break up, the difficulty with your fathers business, and your mothers health issues. These connections to past events may be important insights to continue exploring in addition to finding out more about what your dreams may be trying to tell you. There is no exact science to dreams, but many people find it fruitful to explore the content as it relates to significant themes in their lives. I think that exploring these issues further with a therapist could help you resolve whatever is causing you the stress, trouble sleeping, and frightening dreams."}, {"questionTitle": "Ive suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years", "questionText": "It takes me a long time to fall asleep; Id estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my fathers business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?", "answerText": "First of all, exercise is always beneficial for your physical and emotional health. That's great that you have added this in your routine. Have you also considered altering your diet? Certain foods are linked with poor sleep. For example, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and high fat content foods do not bode well with quality sleep, especially right before bed time.On the other hand, warm milk and foods high in carbohydrates have actually shown to positively impact sleep.Additionally, at bed time it's important to keep your room dim, cool and without distractions (i.e. TV, IPad, Phone). Stick to a sleep routine and avoid any activities close to bed time that demand a lot of attention and energy.As far as your nightmares, there could be many causes contributing to them. Certain foods (many of the ones mentioned) or medications could be the culprit. Doing a bit of research into the ones you are consuming may help you eliminate the offender.You may also benefit from talk therapy with a qualified therapist to discuss any underlying issues you are experiencing. Oftentimes, depression and anxiety can manifest themselves during sleep, causing nightmares.Finally, Yoga has shown to be very beneficial for quality sleep. There are many instructional videos available that can introduce you to the practice if you'd rather not join a class right away.Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you are able to catch up on some well deserved Z's!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I dreaming so much?", "questionText": "Sometimes 3 times a night.", "answerText": "Perhaps more dreaming means that you are making use of your mind to solve problems. I find that change states, while sometimes difficult, are very exciting. They give you opportunity to grow more rapidly. So I say: \"congratulations!\" ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I dreaming so much?", "questionText": "Sometimes 3 times a night.", "answerText": "Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives.If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I dreaming so much?", "questionText": "Sometimes 3 times a night.", "answerText": "As a depth therapist (aka \"psychodynamic practitioner\"), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations.We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response.Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I dreaming so much?", "questionText": "Sometimes 3 times a night.", "answerText": "That's adifficult questionto answer.Dreaming is a normal (and healthy) part of the sleep cycle. The current thought is that we all generally experience roughly the same number of dreams - the difference often is just whether we remember the dreams or not.An increase in the number or frequency of distressing dreams (or nightmares) can be a symptom of stress, anxiety, or PTSD. If the dreams are disturbing to you, talking to a local counselor could help.If the dreams themselves are not troubling, you may just be remembering them more than most people do."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "The answer lies in what the outcome will be. How will things end if you find out he had sex with a prostitute? Will you leave? Will you try to work things out?The multiple versions are concerning. He seems unable to be truthful and this is damaging your relationship.Before considering marital therapy, please find a counselor for yourself. The right therapist can help you uncover what is right for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "One question I have, is how would this impact your relationship now if you were to know the answer? It sounds as though you may be experiencing issues with trust in your relationship. I believe the bigger issue here is not whether or he has had sex with someone else a few years ago, but more that you lack trust within your relationship. Are there other behaviors youve noticed that indicate untrustworthiness? It may be worth exploring sources of mistrust versus dwelling on a possible affair. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "I've been in this situation before and have some insight to share with you. In my experience, he was lying and trying to cover it up. By pushing you to std testing, he's distracting you so he can shift the guilt he feels and blame it on you. In a guilty man's mind I believe he's thinking-...if I cheated...you must have as well....but you're much worse than I because it's okay for me to cheat...but not you...now you're a cheating dirty slut...just like that prostituteMen believe they're entitled to treat women and children like property. Often they use intimidation and violence to control us.He'll never admit to cheating, he'll never apologize and he'll do it again and again. Truly they don't think it's a big deal, it's just their way of being social. They desperately want us to accept it, perhaps join in the act."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.The reality is you won't ever \"know\" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage. Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though. I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work. The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "The fact that he has several versions of the story, could indicate the presence of deception concerning the events that occurred.If he expressed that he may have had contact with a prostitute, there may be a likelihood he may have had sex, but you cannot be 100 percent certain. The suspicion alone would appear to be a source of distress for you. Having the STD screening will certainly be helpful in terms of your health since it appears that he may have been involved in an indiscretion that may also be interpreted as a breach of trust between you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "I am so sorry you are going through this. The harsh reality is that you cant possibly know. Being in a healthy relationship means that you have to trust that what your spouse tells you is true. If he tells you he was not with a prostitute and you dont believe him than that means there is lack of trust in your relationship. If you are experiencing mistrust in your relationship and are worried about infidelity or STDs that is very serious and it sounds like you both could benefit from being in marital counseling together. Trust is so important in any relationship and if the trust isnt there its important to build that trust so you can have a happy and healthy home together. If your spouse is unwilling to go for marital counseling with you, then go for individual counseling! There have been plenty of success stories when even just one of the spouses goes for therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "Most of us trust our guts, or go to someone who can help us to piece the puzzle together, like a therapist. In this case, is that what's important? The knowing that he had it or knowing he had it and how he allowed himself to get into a situation like that? If he did, how do you feel about it? I'm curious. It sounds like you are too. Talk to someone to explore this situation. Hope that helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "The short answer is: you may never know. The only person that really knows is him. Here are some things to consider. If you're asking this question, it may be an indicator of the health of the relationship itself. It wouldn't be a waste of your time to try some relationship counseling. I don't know where you are in your mind on the relationship, but couples counseling is not only for couples on the brink of separation. Yes, it can help avoid separation, but it can also help work out issues exactly like you are asking about. Even a healthy relationship can be taken to the next level with some relational therapy every now and then."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "That is great that he shared this information with you, that you were tested (and hopefully everything was okay), and that he continues to answer your questions about the event. It sounds like you are still having some trouble with what happened, and that is okay, and normal/natural. The question I want you to focus on is why you want to know if he had sex with a prostitute? I want you to think about what this information would do for you, how you would use it, what-if anything would change in your relationship because of this information. I also want to ask yourself if you feel like you trust your husband? Has he done anything like this in the past or since he shared this information with you?I don't have an answer for you and you may never know, because it sounds like he might not even know. He did share this information with you, he did make sure to care for you and make sure you were tested for stds, and he does continue to try to answer your questions. I'm sure he feels a lot of shame and guilt about this experience and understand that you are still feeling hurt and confused by his actions.I think it is important to explore the event, how you are both feeling about it, and even discuss ways to feel safe when he travels again if that is something that is causing stress and anxiety."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "Unfortunately, you will never know the true answer. This is really frustrating to hear, but you will never 100% be able to guarantee that he has given you the truth. So if you can, work on accepting that, breathing through that,He may not fully remember, he may have lied to you in the past or he is lying now. He may have been honest then or he may be honest not.As for options, you can talk to him and provide a safe space for him to tell you what happened. This could be a private conversation with you or at a counseling session. He would need to feel safe to tell you the truth. But remember, there are no guarantees. You would need to make a decision to trust him or not. And go from there. A couples counselor can help guide that conversation, and make sure that he is feeling safe to share.More important than if he actually had sex or not, I would evaluate your relationship. Do you trust him now? Were there trust issues before? Does he hide things now? Identifying your current trust levels will be important for having a healthy relationship now. Hope this helps, even if it is frustrating to not have guarantees."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "Hello, The truth is that you will never know unless your husband decides to be upfront about the details to gain your trust. One thing is for sure though, not knowing and having this uncertainty in your heart will push your husband and you further away from being able to repair the marriage. The best thing you both can do is seek professional help to navigate this issue and start doing damage control. It sounds as if you are committed to this marriage and I am sure your husband is too. It will take some time and purpose, but you can recover from this if you both commit. Don't wait and start working the steps to find peace of mind and a way to reconnect with the man you love. Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?", "questionText": "My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?", "answerText": "The only two people who know the answer to your question are your husband and the prostitute.The question you did and can answer is the reason you would doubt your husband, which is bc of his multiple stories.Ideally your husband cares to restore your sense of confidence in the stories he tells you.If you state your doubts and your interest for the truth, ideally he will produce enough evidence of the truth so you will have facts and can make sense of them. Hopefully the two of you will do this sense making together, especially if he did have sex w the prostititute.If he's unwilling to care about restoring your trust in him, then this is a different problem entirely."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous", "questionText": "My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", "answerText": "Because the acrobatics and excitement of sex has nothing to do with the meaning of deeper emotional attachment to another person with whom we are in a relationship.Try to distinguish between your feelings of excitement from the novel sexual arrangement and what you feel is necessary in order to feel emotionally close and attached to your husband."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous", "questionText": "My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", "answerText": "Hello there. As you have courageously explained your soulful dilemma. I can appreciate the complexity of this situation. You have identified some key factors that may be contributing to your sense of feeling \"empty\". One, is the ultimate goal here able to be acquired from this arrangement? Are you trying to have your fulfillment with another woman while in the presence of your husband but not with him 'on her' as much or at all? Are you trying to ask him to be more passive participant? Perhaps be careful of not drinking too heavily... In the whole event, how do you want to feel intimate or connected ? Were you craving all along, him to really be all over you along with her? These are questions that arise; maybe not solutions. Its always good to be very clear with oneself of what is the ultimate target here... And always measure the potential danger.. Peace - keith"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous", "questionText": "My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Nervousness, when doing something new, especially something sexual that can feel so personal, is very common. Indeed, despite the fact that nervousness can be uncomfortable, it is also part of the excitement of trying something new. Many people who engage in open, polyamorous, and/or other-type relationships, will tell you that difficult feelings, such as jealousy and anger, do show up sometimes. This doesn't prove that there is something wrong with the relationship, it just shows that you retain normal human emotions while in one. And many people who are in polyamorous relationships have written about the work it sometimes takes to make such relationships work. Of course, all relationships take work, so polyamorous and other types of relationships are simply not an exception. There could be several reasons why you are feeling the way you do. One reason could be that you are simply not as comfortable with the idea as you think you are. Some time and good communication with your husband may help you with this. Another reason this may be bothering you is because, on some level, you are aware of the messages society gives us about marriages. They are supposed to be monogamous, heterosexual, etc. etc. Just because you may not agree with these beliefs doesn't mean that you haven't been influenced by them. We all have. Another reason this may be upsetting you is because it may feel a little frightening. Perhaps there are a lot of \"What ifs\" going on in your mind. When you get the \"empty\" feeling, it may be helpful to try to really nail down the emotions that are attached to that feeling. One thing that I do think is very important is that you communicate these feelings to your husband. It may even be a good idea to talk about expectations or \"ground rules\", if you will. It is important that you are both on the same page about what this is, and why you are doing it. If you continue to struggle, I suggest finding a counselor who has experience in sex and sexuality. I wish you well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous", "questionText": "My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", "answerText": "You need to have an honest conversation with each other about WHY you both want a threesome. Evaluate the status of your relationship with each other. Are you having issues? Fighting? Not feeling satisfied with each other? How has your sex life been with each other? If there are any problems, insecurities, issues, introducing something like this may only make your relationship worse.Open relationships and threesomes rarely work out well. Sure, there are some who successfully live this lifestyle, but it only works when both people are completely secure in their relationship with each other, harbor no jealousies or insecurities, and aren't looking to someone else to satisfy needs that aren't getting met by their spouse.Let me say that again: This is not likely to work out well for you if either of you are insecure, jealous, or looking to have needs met by this other person that you aren't getting from your spouse.That empty feeling you're having - listen to it. Dig deep to find out where it is coming from. What thoughts are going through your head when you feel that way? You'll get the answer.The other thing that helps make something like this work is for both of you to listen and respect each other. If you don't like it that he paid more attention to the other girl, he needs to know that, and he needs to respect that. If you're going to do it again, he needs to know what you're comfortable with and what you want. Set the limits before you're in the moment, before it's too late to take an action back. Turn it around and ask him what he would be comfortable with if it were a man instead of a woman.It is perfectly natural to be curious and want to experiment. A lot of people get that out of the way before settling down in a monogamous relationship. People who marry young and/or inexperienced may still feel that curiosity about things like that and want to experience them, but don't want to hurt their spouse. The REASON you are both doing this matters a lot. If there are problems in your relationship, this is likely to only make things worse."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband was lying about drinking again", "questionText": "My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Years resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on boardno more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleepit's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.", "answerText": "As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters. His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing. He doesn't sound like this, at least now."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband was lying about drinking again", "questionText": "My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Years resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on boardno more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleepit's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.", "answerText": "It can be very frustrating being lied to. The one thing that struck me was the sentence he had a alcohol addiction \"in the past.\" Addiction is not something that comes and goes. Once you have addict tendencies they are here to stay. You may be able to fight them off for awhile but the will enviably rear their ugly head again. Some of the things that we would suggest is taking the access away. If the alcohol is not conveniently in the house he would have to go seek it out elsewhere. You can think about it in other terms. If chocolate cake was your favorite food and you were a diabetic, you would not have chocolate cake lying around all the time because you know you would eventually eat it. Remember there are no temporary addicts."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "Wait what? Normal teenage experiences. A pedophile is someone that is attracted to children meaning under your age category. This is regarding mostly adults that are over age of 18. You are only one year apart. Try and focus on friendship and work on keeping yourself busy in activities so that you are not having these type of thoughts. Direct this energy into a more productive activity like sports, reading, biking, exercising or something other than negative thought patterns. Don't attract what isn't supposed to be part of your life. good luck."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "You are not a pedophile. You are both under 18 and your age is appropriate for a relationship. There would be a possible problem if she was 10 or younger.Pedophelia, is a whole other problem that you probably should not be worried about. I would be happy to talk with you in more detail about this."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "It is very natural for you to be attracted to someone that you find an interest in building a romantic relationship with. These feelings are an emotional response toward adulthood. You are at a healthy age to start the development of attraction and intimate bonds with those around you. Pedophilia is a disorder in which adults or older adolescents find themselves continuously sexually attracted to children and minors. At the age of 15, you are still considered a child/minor yourself that is growing into his own adulthood. This is healthy for you to seek the elements of attraction and intimacy. There may be a lot of confusion during this time due to the effects of puberty and all the changes you may be experiencing during your adolescence phase. In this case, see if you are able to reach out to your parents, caregivers, and/or trusted adults to seek an understanding of those elements to help with any confusion with age, attraction, and underage dating."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "A pedophile by definition is anyone who is sexually attracted to children. This is applicable to children to are pre-pubescent. So I'm repeating others here, but you are not a pedophile!The fact that you worry about this means that you wouldn't be OK with being a pedophile.Sounds like you have a healthy reaction to your girlfriend!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "The short answer is, NO! It is not wrong for you to be attracted to your girlfriend. You are a perfectly healthy person. When puberty hits, hormones start changing and it is a natural to be interested and attracted to others. It may feel wrong, especially if you are a Christian and have grown up in that home due to the messages that are sometimes sent your way. But as a Christian myself and a counselor, I remind people that every human is made with a very similar biological make-up. If humans did not have an innate attraction to others, then the human race would not survive because we would not marry or have children.You are not a pedophile!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "Nope! In fact you are NOT a pedophile. That term is reserved for older adolescents attracted to children, or adults who are attracted to children. I see an age difference as being one key factor in determining pedophilia if the older person is still in adolescence. You being only a year older than your girlfriend doesn't qualify, so go right ahead and be attracted to your girlfriend without shame!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "You wrote that each of you is under the age of 18. A 15 year old cannot be a pedophile because you're not an adult.Also, if you mean \"girlfriend\" in a romantic way then this makes sense bc romantic relationships include physical attraction to the other person."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "No. You are not a pedophile. You are both under the appropriate age where it would be seen so. Your both only a year a part so this shouldn't a worry to you. Like Frank said below, Pedophelia is a problem that won't apply to this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?", "answerText": "No, that's perfectly normal. You're under 18, too. You're only a year older than she is. This is absolutely normal. What would be wrong is if you did anything to her against her will. Always remember that NO means NO, respect her, respect yourself, and be a normal teenager! Have a healthy relationship. Holding hands, kissing, and more should only be done when both are comfortable with it and agree to it. Although it is frowned upon by a lot of people, it's no secret that teenagers do have sex (even if their parents and perhaps religion would definitely not want them to do it). Only you can make the choice that is right for you. Just be responsible in the choices you make. Some states have laws on what age is old enough for consensual sex. You'd be surprised how young those ages are. A 14 year old having sex with a 20 year old would be against the law, but someone the same age as her, or just one year older is not. \"Wrong\" can be defined in a lot of different ways, though. Is it against the law? No. Is it against your religion? I can't answer that for you.You can, however, have a relationship that is not physical in any way. It's okay to just be with her and enjoy her company. You can hang out, watch movies together, go on dates, do whatever it is that both of you enjoy doing. Your relationship can be anything you want it to be."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "I want to be short and brief about this. First, If you can achieve a good erection at anytime without your girlfriend, your penis is fine. However, erections work through getting enough blood flow to the penis. If you are having any sort of mental related concern (anxiety, depression, stress, etc) it can cause your blood vessels to constrict and keep your penis from becoming erect. After reading your concerns, my questions would be: What are you thinking about right before and during sex?\" \"Do you feel anxious or nervous during that time?\" Have you ever experienced not getting an erection before?\"I am assuming it has do to with what you are thinking and their is a certain amount of anxiety you are having during or right before sex.If you want to work this out, I would encourage you to work on your thought process and learn to relax your mind and your body (meditation/relaxation exercises). Focus more on enjoying the experience through your 5 senses. What do you smell, take it in and enjoy it. What do you hear, take it in and enjoy it. What do you see, take it in and enjoy it. What do you feel, take it in and enjoy it.Calm yourself! Not having an erection is not the end of the world and happens all the time to men. If you freak out about it, it will happen more. Just relax, believe it is normal and try again and ENJOY the beauty in front of you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "Sexual desire seems to be straightforward - I like someone and I become aroused at the thoughts of being intimate with them - but that idea does not always take into account other factors.Stress can have a huge effect on our body and how it performs. When we are overstressed, for example, we often find ourselves ill at the same time. Can you think of any part of your world that may be causing you some additional stress? Additionally, focusing on your erection may also be increasing the level of stress you feel about being intimate, which could also effect your ability to get and maintain an erection. While this may seem counter intuitive, it makes sense in the word of stress!Finally, it's never a bad idea to follow up with your doctor, as well. You did not mention your age or sexual history outside of this relationship, but it is always a good idea to check in with medical staff to make sure there is nothing physically responsible for changes in our body, as well."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "First off, I want to acknowledge the emotional pain you must be experiencing about not being able to experience an erection -- you're not alone. And, it took a lot of courage for you to post your query here. Below you will find excellent advice from skilled clinicians regarding your question and concern. If you haven't done so already I'd encourage you to checkout the Mayo Clinic's website on this very topic (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047).Once you've ruled out any medical-organic issues with either your PCP or Urologist I recommend you work with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and/or Certified Sex Therapist (CST) and do some psychotherapy around attachment/family-of-origin, intimacy, self-image, trauma history, sex history, pornography, etc. ). There is hope."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "This issue could come from any variables. The pressure of being satisfying, or if you have experienced anytension. Do you have any uncomfortable thoughts or is anything from your past coming up? Had you been socialized to believe certain things or did new beliefs come up? What were your models of healthy relationships? Was anything of substance coming up around the time this began? Some have found acupuncture to be helpful or even the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear of your problem.First step as always when a possible medical explanation exists, go for a urology check up to either your internist or a urologist.Once you know there is no medical reason which would prevent an erection, then we can consider the psychological and emotion based factors.Maybe you're nervous about your sexual performance or that your gf may be disappointed in your performance.Men often mistake their own fears of performance failure with the assumption that their partner thinks about sex as a performance.Talk with your gf about whatever is on your mind which may inhibit you from enjoying sex.The reasons are endless.What matters is to have a heartfelt dialogue with each other.The emotional support which comes through such an intimate conversation may very well be the catalyst for a more relaxed and satisfying approach to sex w your gf."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media", "questionText": "For some reason I feel very uncomfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body in certain poses on social media. I know she is proud of her body and I respect that, but I dont feel comfortable with her openly showing off her body the way she does. Anytime I bring it up to her she thinks Im calling her a whore. How can I deal with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media and not hurt her feelings?", "answerText": "Ask her to consider your feelings not only her own defensiveness that she is called a whore by you.Clearly since you're writing on a site which offers psychological and emotional support and guidance, you do not consider your gf to be a whore.She may not realize or considered that you are somewhat protective of who sees her body. In the end she may not want the privacy over her body which you are encouraging her to have.At least you will have the satisfaction to know you stated your actual reasons for your request, and did not rely on the ones she imagined you have."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media", "questionText": "For some reason I feel very uncomfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body in certain poses on social media. I know she is proud of her body and I respect that, but I dont feel comfortable with her openly showing off her body the way she does. Anytime I bring it up to her she thinks Im calling her a whore. How can I deal with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media and not hurt her feelings?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Infidelity is common. In a largest study conducted to date about 10-15% of women and 20-25% of men admitted to being unfaithful while in a monogamous relationship. You are not alone and you can get through this just like countless couples have done before you. First of all, you need to know that although there may be reasons for his behaviour (e.g., not feeling sexually satisfied) those are not excuses. He could have chosen to masturbate instead of cheating on you, right? Your partner needs to own his choices and if he is capable of doing it and is truly willing to work on the relationship with you to make it stronger, more transparent and more fulfilling for both of you, then there is hope. The question is : are you willing to put in all this extra work? Forgiveness is not easy and it may take a lot of time and effort for you to consciously choose to trust again. It won't just happen if you don't work on it. And yes, it's unfair that you are being asked to work on this, when he is the one who had been unfaithful. Even though it is hard, you need to be able to let go at some point of having all the power in the relationship, because right now you have it as the one who had been cheated on. You cannot hold on to being the victim forever because it will create an imbalance in your relationship making it less healthy in the long-run. All of this is hard work. Is he and this relationship worth it? Are you equally committed to making it work? If so, don't abandon this relationship just yet. Work on it together (ideally get a few sessions with an experienced couple counsellor) and see where that gets you. For additional specific ideas check out my tips for how to deal with infidelity in a relationship. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "HelloYes many couples have survived infidelity. How sincere is he with wanting to work it out?That means alot in recovery. The key is to understand that cheating is a choice. Please don't take the betrayal personal.Look at the foundation of the relationship. Is there cracks that can be healed? How do you feel about betrayal?Honest communication is the key to healing. Never assume monogamy discuss it. No one can tell you if you should stay or go. That is a very personal decision.Start by setting up face to face time to discuss the affair and emotions. If this may be hard please get a counselor or therapist that can meditate this journey.Just remember even if you decide to leave you still need support to heal. Just because you leave the situation, the trauma still exists."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Hello. Thank you for your question. Many couples that experience infidelity in their relationship face this important question - \"is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?\"Deciding to stay or leave is such a personal decision, one that only you can make.When an affair is disclosed or found out, it can have a traumatic impact on the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner might be overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts - Wanting answers to specific questions - Wanting details. And the partner that had the affair might be feeling overwhelm around \"Will their partner ever forgive them?\" \"Will they trust them again?\" \"How long will it take to regain their trust again?\"While it is possible for couples to get past the cheating, it does take a commitment from each partner to do the work needed. Because of the complexities cheating has on the bond couples have with each other, I would recommend seeing a couple therapist that specializes in working with the issue of infidelity. When infidelity happens, there are usually a number of secrets that accompany it, and this can be incredibly difficult for couples to work through on their own."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Do you feel he will do this again, and do you trust him, can you trust him again?. Would you and he be open to couples therapy? There are many variables to consider but asking yourself these questions could give you some clarity."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Hello. I'm sorry that this happened to you, and that you are struggling with making a decision about this. In my experience, a couple can absolutely overcome cheating and get back to the relationship they once had. Hopefully, the other relationship is over, and you can work on rebuilding the trust that has been broken. It will be difficult for the both of you to move past this, and getting professional help as you navigate rebuilding your relationship is a good idea. Just know that you can get past this, many couples do.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Definitely yes, it is possible for a couple to trust each other again and become close with each other.Since your trust was broken, your fianc would need to earn back your belief that he is faithful to you.Do you feel he empathizes with how you felt to find out about his cheating?Before you have this question answered, based on what you write there is a sense of your own doubt as to whether you are with the right partner.Before you and he address regaining your trust, first decide if you'd like to work on this.Ask yourself if the sexual attention he felt he wasn't getting from you was bc you're not as interested in him as you imagine or once felt in the past.If each of you sincerely wants to be together, it is possible to talk about your respective needs and help the other person feel safe again with the other."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "As a relationship therapist I work with couples all the time that are in the repair phase of their relationship after infidelity. The short answer to this, is not only is it possible to have a satisfying and fullfilling relationship after infidelity, it happens more often that we may know. The current rate of infidelity is high, while it's not important to go into many reasons, it mau be important to know you aren't alone in this! My biggest suggestion for you would be to seek out a professional counselor that specializes in working with couples healing from infidelity. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Betrayal in a relationship can be one of the most difficult things a relationship can sustain. Sometimes feelings about the betrayal may also trigger past wounds. The fact that \"it only happened once\" may not make it any easier to move forward. I highly recommend working with a mental health professional who has experience working around the issue of infidelity. Together, you can work on healing the wounds and moving forward. I do believe it is possible to move forward, if both partners are ready and willing to do the work to move forward together and create a new vision for their relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "Finding out about an affair is quite an emotional experience. It's usually jarring. I encourage you to give yourself some compassion about emotions that you have.You asked whether it is possible to get past the cheating and the answer is that it can be. It depends on many factors.I would recommend that you see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. There are certain ways that both of you could learn more about yourselves and each other that may actually serve to make your relationship stronger. Sometimes there are motivations for having an affair that can be discussed in therapy in a way that you become more aware of what each other is experiencing and where you want to go from here. It could be that learning to communicate differently would be helpful.Regarding whether you should \"just move on,\" I recommend talking about with a therapist as well. At the very least, you can discuss more about what you are thinking and feeling and what your choices are as far as where you want to go from here."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "It's possible but challenging. Both partners need to be feel motivated enough to repair the relationship and dedicated to the work needed to address whatever underlying issues led to the serious breach of trust. For some people, cheating is an absolute deal breakerfor others, the context of the cheating allows them to see it as a mistake that they can forgive their partner for. So it depends on how you feel about the relationship and whether you want to put in the work to repair it.If you're not sure how you feel, counseling can help you resolve the ambiguity, either individually or with your partner. Then, depending on what you decide, a counselor can help you either repair the relationship or decouple from your former partner."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?", "answerText": "<!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:\" \"; mso-font-charset:78; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 18 0 131231 0;} @font-face {font-family:\"Cambria Math\"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;} @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1073743103 0 0 415 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:\"\"; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:\" \"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:\"Times New Roman\"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:\" \"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:\"Times New Roman\"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page WordSection1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.WordSection1 {page:WordSection1;} --> First off, let's start with really validating the potential emotional pain you are feeling right now. There is generally no lack of uncertainty, anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger. These are all normal emotions and being allowed to feel them is the beginning of the healing process. It might be helpful to talk about these feeling with your fianc, a friend or a counselor.Now to get to your primary question. Can a relationship move past infidelity? The short answer is yes. A bit longer of an explanation is that is sounds like you and your fianc had pieces of a solid foundation to base a relationship on. For many couples they encounter a primary challenge, sometimes that's money, or parenting and for some it's sexuality. If you and your fianc are both committed to balancing the positive aspects of your relationship while improving the challenges than it's definitely possible to move past this. This is not an easy process and for many couples takes months or years of healing while engaging in relationship counseling.Good luck to you and your continues healing and growth!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always push my boyfriend away?", "questionText": "My boyfriend shows affection, but I just push him away. Every time my boyfriend tries to kiss, hug, or touch me I almost always push him away. I'm on birth control and it has killed my sex drive. I love him so much. Why do I do this?", "answerText": "There could be many reasons that you push your boyfriend away. It could be part of how you were raised, it could be because of culture, it could even be your own insecurities about yourself that are then outwardly manifested in you \"pushing\" him away.What is important in all this is that you both find a way to connect. So what if you aren't a hugger, a kisser, or a toucher you have to find what works for the both of you and your relationship. There are many ways to show affection that aren't physical (words of affirmation, giving of time and/or gifts, etc). If your boyfriend wants the physical attention then work on ways that are comfortable for the both of you making sure to start out slow and to work your way up to more physical touching."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always push my boyfriend away?", "questionText": "My boyfriend shows affection, but I just push him away. Every time my boyfriend tries to kiss, hug, or touch me I almost always push him away. I'm on birth control and it has killed my sex drive. I love him so much. Why do I do this?", "answerText": "There seems to be two issues at play; your sex drive and the resulting pushing your boyfriend away. Research mirror work, sometimes this technique allows us to get to the root of our issues. You can also practice this in a therapeutic setting if that feels like your next right step. Having control, you get to be in control and decide what happens next, which could be at play on a subconscious level. Also, investigate your feelings around intimacy, and what does that truly means for you and this relationship overall."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always push my boyfriend away?", "questionText": "My boyfriend shows affection, but I just push him away. Every time my boyfriend tries to kiss, hug, or touch me I almost always push him away. I'm on birth control and it has killed my sex drive. I love him so much. Why do I do this?", "answerText": "Are you sure it is only the birth control pills which has changed your sex drive?My guess would be that possibly due to the hormonal changes of the pill, your own awareness and understanding of yourself in this relationship, is what is actually changing.Birth control pills control ovulation. They don't directly prevent people from all desire to express affection.Allow yourself some time to reflect on how you feel toward your BF. It is possible the birth control pills triggered a change in your attitude toward him.And, maybe independent of the pill, maybe you just are done with the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell a girl that I crossdress?", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "Keep doing the crossdressing since you like it.Your problem sounds more a matter of timing and reason to tell the girl about it.Not keeping a secret is a good attitude regarding meaningful parts of your life. Usually our relationship partner is someone whom we trust as a safe person to know all about us.Once you feel at ease with your potential partner then bring up your crossdressing. Based on their handling of this intimate part of your life, you will know more as to whether or not you feel more or less drawn to them.Secrets held within a relationship usually get worse with time. The person who feels unsafe in truly being and stating themselves eventually will end up feeling ashamed of parts of them which prior to the relationship, felt good or at least not worrisome."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell a girl that I crossdress?", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "While this might not be the first thing you want to discuss when you meet someone, it is important for you to be yourself. It's better to weed out 10 people who can't accept you to find that one who can."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell a girl that I crossdress?", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "Thanks for asking this question. I think the most important part of what you mentioned was that you do it because it makes you happy. For that reason, I would encourage you to keep doing what makes you happy.As far as telling girls or keeping it a secret, I don't really think that it's necessarily one or the other, at least not the first time that you meet. In other words, one part of your decision-making could be whether it is something that you always want to address in the first date, or perhaps something that you address after you've known each other for a couple of meetings. The answer to that question may also change depending on who you are dating. I would imagine that each person that you are with mainly due to a different decision this was when to disclose this.It sounds like this is an important part of you, so I would think that if you were going to date someone long-term, you would want them to know about the most important parts of you, including that.I also encourage you to remember that if you meet someone who is not comfortable with this, that does not mean that there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but rather something that the other person is in some way deciding not to continue learning about or choosing to have someone they are dating like to cross-dress.I'd also ask you to consider this: Are the people who you say this to expecting it? My guess is that the answer is probably not. Along with that, Are they going to have questions? I would imagine so.Are you comfortable answering questions?I wonder if you could figure out yourself or with friends (or perhaps even with a therapist) how you would answer these sorts of questions:What exactly is cross-dressing?Does that change the gender that you're attracted to?What does it mean to you?Why is it important to you?And what you want your listening person to know about you related to cross-dressing.There could even be ways that you can start the conversation by asking them to be open to listen to you and ask questions about what they are thinking before they make any quick decisions about you or the relationship.I certainly hope that you find the right person for you. I imagine that having this conversation could be stressful, especially considering the idea that you have had some negative reactions in the past. Remember that talking this through with a therapist could be very helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell a girl that I crossdress?", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "Normalizing cross-dressing and being open about who you are. Consider if this could be a deal-breaker , which would encompass considering if you want to be with someone who does not accept you for all you are? Also explain your personal reasons and the possible reasons many others crossdress, how it is not always for sexual stimulation."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell a girl that I crossdress?", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "If you enjoy crossdressing and it is an integral part of who you are, giving it up for anyone else or to get into a relationship will only lead to resentment and resentment in a relationship usually leads to it's demise. So I would caution you against giving it up for someone else, as you won't be happy and neither will your partner because they will be losing out on getting to know your authentic self.Stay true to your authentic self and balance that out with dating people who do the same and are open to exploring thoughts and feelings in a relationship. You definitely get to choose the right time to share this with a partner and I encourage you, if it feels safe, to talk about it as soon as you can. Sometimes just keeping something a secret for a long time in a relationship can also lead to other issues, too. Also, if you know the other person doesn't respect this part of you if you find out early you won't waste your time and can move onto a relationship that feels more supportive.I hope this makes sense and I wish you the best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell a girl that I crossdress?", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "It would be my professional opinion that the desire for you to keep it a secret at all, while yes I could see it as \"giving you a chance with a girl,\" is something that might be more about a discomfort for you. If you are comfortable with your kinks and fetishes (if I may call it such, not my intention to pathologize in any way though), then be as open as you want to be. But I also don't know that you need to be announcing it as part of your online dating profile (because you do say it \"bothers girls I ask out\" which to me implies that that is what you're leading with.) My hope is that people don't make dating decisions based on your kinky behaviors, but more likely that they would make decisions based on your own comfort and security with said kinky behaviors."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell a girl that I crossdress?", "questionText": "I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?", "answerText": "Your happiness and healthiness is key. I would not suggest that you hold back and keep it a secret. You should be up-front about it, but perhaps gently bring it up on a date. When thinking about whether or not you should stop, think about how it makes you feel. Perhaps try to be social at more accepting affirming locations in your area. The people who will accept you for who you are are out there. You may not be looking in all of the places you have available to you."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband only has sex with me once a month or less", "questionText": "I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.", "answerText": "Have you said anything to your husband about the way you're feeling?Start with this.Sex is after all, a two person enterprise.If he would like to talk about the way you're feeling, great and wonderful. The two of you already are continuing to grow trust in your communication and relationship.If he doesn't want to talk about how you're feeling, then you're facing a different problemYour feelings are real and need to be handled.If you end up facing your feelings of frustration about your husband not wanting to have sex with you, on your own, then does your husband give you a truthful sounding reason as to why not?Ask what explains his disinterest in having sex with you.If he doesn't want to address this question, then you are a little further down the rung of trust and care about you.Depending on how satisfied you are with his answers, will guide you on how much dissatisfaction you can live with and why, longterm."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband only has sex with me once a month or less", "questionText": "I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.", "answerText": "Feeling rejected and frustrated is a reasonable reaction to your experience with your husband. I want to encourage you that his actions may have little to do with you, and regardless of outcomes, I hope you find the help you need to process through your pain and still have hope for your marriage. If your husband was to work with me I'd explore with him his understanding of, and experience with, intimacy in relationship with others.Furthermore, like other male clients of mine, I'd challenge your husband to secure an updated full medical exam from his PCP (primary care physician) and/or urologist in order to identify or rule out any organic issues which may be causing his apparent lack of desire for sexual intimacy. If there are no physical issues, per se, I would encourage your husband to process further his family of origin story-line regarding rules, roles, sex, and sexuality along with working through his sexual and trauma histories."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband only has sex with me once a month or less", "questionText": "I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.", "answerText": "This could have many different origins. Have you tried asking him about it? Sometimes starting with asking whether he would be open to having an important discussion can be a good beginning. If that starts well, perhaps continuing with something like \"I've noticed that we haven't been together intimately (or whatever phrasing works for you) as much lately. Can you tell me more about what it's like for you?\"When asking questions like this, it usually helpful to not overuse (and perhaps try to avoid using) the word \"why.\" That word tends to trigger really strong emotional reactions in people. Try starting with \"what makes\" Instead. For example, \"what made you choose not to do that?\""}, {"questionTitle": "My husband only has sex with me once a month or less", "questionText": "I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.", "answerText": "Every area in a relationship, including intimacy, experiences a decline after the initial honeymoon period. Couples have to work to maintain the spark. Find a moment to talk to your husband about your concerns, and suggest ways to rekindle your sexual life, be open to listen to his concerns and demands as well. But dont forget that sex the fun part of being with someone, play, flirt, joke and keep looking for ways to continue falling for each other. Mi esposo solo tiene relaciones conmigo una vez al mes o menos. Me siento rechazada y frustrada. Esto no es nuevo. El primer mes que estuvimos juntos, tenamos sexo casi todos los das. Luego se redujo a una vez por semana. Amo a mi esposo, pero esto me causa dificultad.Todas las reas de una relacin, incluyendo la intimidad, sufren altas y bajas luego del periodo de la luna de miel. Las parejas tienen que trabajar para mantener la chispa. Encuentra un momento para hablar con tu esposo sobre tu preocupacin, y sugiere maneras de reencender su vida sexual, est atenta a escuchar sus preocupaciones y sugerencias al igual. No olvides que el sexo es una de las partes ms divertidas de una relacin, jueguen, coqueteen, bromeen y continen buscando maneras de enamorarse otra vez."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel completely alone in my marriage", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "I'm sorry for how you're feeling in your marriage lately. Are you and your husband able to talk directly about your feelings? The way two people connect is usually by talking with each other to understand what each one cares about and thinks.Your current emotional suffering is the natural result of being married to someone who shows no interest in doing this.If your husband wants to start talking with you, then there is a chance the two of you can reconnect. If he doesn't want to participate in the relationship with you, then start to think if its possible and for how long, to get emotional support from friends and family who do care for you.Also a question for the future is to understand what the value of your marriage is to you besides having a connection to your husband."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel completely alone in my marriage", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "I'm sure you've tried to talk to your husband, but if not, could you? Have a conversation with him about him and his life, his work, etc. See if he relaxes and opens up to you, even a little bit. Don't try to have a heavy conversation or even unburden yourself to him during this first conversation - just try to be light-hearted and focus on hearing him. It's the first step towards getting your needs met too, and ending any emotional standoff that might have come about between you."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel completely alone in my marriage", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "What you are describing is something I often refer to as \"living with your roommate\" phenomenon. This is the idea that you feel like you are living with a roommate and no your partner or spouse . It is not uncommon for members of a couple to report to feel both physical and/or emotional distance. When we don't feel connected within relationships, this can be isolating and lonely. The emotional distance often makes us wonder: am I important to the other? These types of feelings need to be better understood in the context of your own background and upbringing I.e., who you are and also better understood in the context of your couple. Feeling reconnected can occur-- but there is not a \"one size fits all\" solutoon. As a first step, do you or your partner have any ideas of how to feel reconnected? Have you considering talking to your partner about the emotional void? Or how about discussing solutions , together, that might help-- from individual therapy to couple therapy to a weekly date night to inquiring about one another's personal interest to starting off the conversation of what both of you want and can do to re-establish feelings of connectiveness. If this is too frightening I.e., to address the lack of connection between you and your spouse. a fist meeting with a couple therapist can likely help unpack what the possible solutions for your couple."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel completely alone in my marriage", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "Feeling alone in your marriage is one of the most painful feelings. Wanting connection with your spouse yet feeling the all too familiar distance that's keeping you apart can be so hurtful. But, change is possible. You might be able to move closer toward each other on your own but since there has been two years of distance, I would suggest looking into couples therapy with a trained couples therapist. They are trained in helping couples begin to examine what's been happening that has caused a drift in your marriage.I'm also curious if there was a significant event that occurred around the time you started feeling distant. If there was something that occurred during this time that is hard for you both to talk about, couples therapy can help with this also. It can provide a safe and supportive space for you both."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel completely alone in my marriage", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "Communication opens up what is called \"cognitive space\" for your partner, and allows them to do the same for you. The more you know about each other, especially your everyday lives, creates a bond between the two of you. Much like the saying goes in the military, the same is true for a couple; \"Complacency Kills\". It is important for both of you to invest in each other on a regular basis. I regularly recommend that both of you take the 5 Love Languages Assessment and start using each other's top love languages to help show each other the positive affection that you feel (or at least want to feel) for one another. Start asking about your husband's day, trying to learn about all the interactions that he has at work, and feel free to ask questions so that he knows you really want to know about him, and know him intimately again."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel completely alone in my marriage", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "Absolutely. Your question shows that you are going through a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. Many couples go through this disconnect and hope to come to reconnect before things get to a breaking point. What I think can help is the following:1.) Understand what his primary concern is2.) Understand what your primary concern is3.) What would you like to see different?4.) What would he like to see different?5.) Be honest about your concern with him having friends (Be ready for honesty)6.) Help him understand you feel alone without him feeling guilty.7.) Let him know how committed you are to making this relationship despite the two of you drifting apart.8.) Sometimes if you just acknowledge the elephant in the room.9.) Couples/Marriage Therapy"}, {"questionTitle": "I feel completely alone in my marriage", "questionText": "I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has \"friends\" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", "answerText": "I can think of several things that may help you to reconnect. I don't know how much time you actually spend together, but one thing you could try is to spend 15 minutes a week together talking about common interests or other things that make you feel connected.Have you considered a date night or anything (doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but could make each of you feel special)?Something else you could try is to consider talking to each other in a way where you summarize what you are hearing and reflect back to make sure that you got it right rather than just assuming so. Communicating this way can feel awkward at times, but it could reconnect how you are listening and deeply connecting with your partner. Also, you may discover that you are on two different pages about things on which you thought you understood what each other felt, wanted, or desired.Consider what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Can you name a few things and get them right according to your partner when you check in? Can he do the same for you?You could also try doing two things every day that would be appreciated by your partner without either of you having to ask for it. There is some more information here, although what you do for one another does not necessarily need to be on this list:http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/Reconnecting is a bit of a process. Try to praise yourself and your partner for attempts that you make and recognize that you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. You may also find this book to be helpful (or there are other similar ones by the same author):https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languagesIf this still seems difficult, consider seeing a local mental health professional. As one more thought, recall that this relationship involves both of you. If you are both committing to change your level of connection, change will likely not be a steady uphill climb (there could be plateaus or even some dips back in a negative direction) and each of you may change at a different rate.Best wishes in your quest for connection!"}, {"questionTitle": "My wife doesn't want to have sex", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "That sounds really challenging for both of you. Differences in sexual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict. I would encourage you to do some couples counselling or sex therapy as often these issues can be worked through and low sexual desire can result from relational fears and misunderstandings or sex that isn't as arousing as is possible. There are some good videos on this resource page about sexuality and intimacy and a video that specifically addresses desire differences in relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife doesn't want to have sex", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "Congrats on your upcoming baby!Its possible that the pregnancy is diminishing your wife's sex drive.From everything you describe about your wife, she sounds to not yet have become comfortable with having a wish for sex.The other side of the sex equation is you and your relative ease with having sex and whether it is for physical release or as an expression of love, some of each.Since you talk with each other honestly then start with a dialogue about what you each would like from sex with each other, from perspective of giving and receiving sex. Hopefully this will open up some new light on your respective feelings.Really, there is a lot to navigate in a conversation about physical and emotional intimacy. If these are not the types of discussions the two of you are used to having, a couples therapist is a good idea so you both become familiar and learn how to more easily articulate some of your respective deep feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife doesn't want to have sex", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified sex therapistto help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/oryou might want to sign up for my own 8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples"}, {"questionTitle": "My wife doesn't want to have sex", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "Have you guys ruled out medical disorders. There is new data that post part depression starts in the pregnancy before baby is delivered. There maybe those factors .Please check out those arenas, firstly.Then consider marital therapy services. Relationship changes with the time passing and with the time and care deposits of investment onto the relationship bank account. Thanks for this opportunity to answer some of ya.alls. relationship intimacy concerns."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife doesn't want to have sex", "questionText": "My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt \"ehh\" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. Were married and we have a baby on the way.", "answerText": "Hi Seattle,While it's normal in many relationships for there to be a difference in sex drives, I believe that your wife has a major barrier to having a healthy sexual relationship. I'd be curious about what it was like at the beginning for you both, but these things can change. Sometimes people with sexual barriers are very active for a period when they're young because they're trying to prove something or overcome a fear.Right now, you can both accept that there is a barrier and it's hers and she can explore that in a safe relationship with a therapist and perhaps a doctor. It's possible she's asexual (not interested in sexual activity but very interested in love), or that a trauma has affected her. It's for her to explore. Tell yourself that it's not your fault, stop expecting it to change, and encourage her to seek treatment with someone who specializes in sexual issues. Good luck."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "There are many different ways that can be approached in your situation.1. I would recommend a complete medical examination including blood test. i would want to know if there are any medical issues in your low sex drive.2. Where is your husband in this situation? Is he resentful, accepting, demanding or neutral?3. What is your past sexual history? has this had an affect on your current issue?4.Has there been problems in your past with abuse of any kind?5. Understand that intimacy is more than sex. What other ways can you be close to your spouse?6. It sounds like there is some confusion about sexual intimacy from both of you.Couples counseling would be a great place to start.All of these areas need to be explored before any treatment goals can be established.You need to talk with a professional counselor to explore how to better connect with your spouse."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "The numbers you write are low compared to how much sex many other people would be satisfied having.The key is your and your husband's satisfaction with the amount of sex you are having.And, know if there are reasons besides low sex drive that possibly explain this.Knowing the other possibilities matter because a low sex life may mean one of you is being satisfied sexually outside the marriage or that one of you prefers sex with a same gendered partner.If you've ruled out these possibilities, and you are satisfied with your emotional and financial life in the relationship, then a low sex drive may simply be the norm for the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "It's encouraging that you say you want \"to be better connected with [your] husband,\" and since he hasn't left you, he must care about you and the relationship more than he does about just having sex. You don't say whether he complains or not, but even if he doesn't it seems there's a sense of something important missing for both of you.Most likely to connect better with him physically you'll need to become better connected with yourself and your body. Men often feel fulfilled by sex simply because it happened - the woman they want received them, allowed them to make love with her. For women that can sometimes be more complicated. A woman who loves sex most likely also loves her body, knows what pleasures her, and feels confident asking for what she wants. Self-pleasuring can be a way for you to discover more about your sexuality, and a classic resource is Betty Dodson's book Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving.A good counselor or sex therapist can be very helpful with your whole relationship as well as the sexual part of it, but not all counselors are comfortable working with sexual issues. Shop around and be sure you find someone who can help you and your husband get better connected on all levels."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "There are a lot of different things that could be playing a role here.First, different people have unique levels of sex drive, and sometimes there is a hormonal imbalance.Because you say both that there is a possibility that neither one of you \"actually knows what you're doing,\" and you want to be better connected with your husband, consider having some time where you sit together and touch each other in nonsexual ways and communicate about what you like and don't like. One person would be doing the touching and the other would be communicating. Then the rules would switch. After you both become comfortable with that, you could try the same thing with touching that is sexual in nature.Dr. Tammy Nelson is a therapist who specializes in relationships and sexual issues and she has several books and lots of other resources on her website:https://www.drtammynelson.com/There are actually therapists who specialize in sex therapy and if you are interested in that, you would want a therapist who is a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). This does not mean that they only specialize in sexual addiction, but they do have special training in discussing sexual elements of relationships and their training is quite extensive.In addition to connecting sexually, you may consider discussing with your husband whether each of you are aware of things that make you feel valued, special, loved, and appreciated. It may be that making positive changes related to your sex life would also improve your relationship, and vice versa."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "I am sorry that you are struggling with this! I would love to help. I have a few questions first and I know you can't answer back unless you contact me. Do you use birth control? Is there pain during sex? Have you had sexual experiences before your husband? Have you ever experienced sexual abuse or trauma? Has their been any negative sexual experiences between you and your husband? Did you grow up in a Christian home?When you say you have low sex drive or you don't know what you are doing:Do you ever think about sex? Do you ever have the urge or desire? When ya'll have had sex, do you both enjoy it? Do you enjoy it? What are your priorities? Is your relationship good? Did you have sex before marriage and how much? Wow... So, it is hard to answer this question without knowing more information.I want you to be better connected with your husband too. If you don't want to seek other help, my best advice would be to intentionally initiate sex once per week, whether you feel like it or not. If something hurts, don't do it. Begin talking about sex regularly. Read more books on sex and build a knowledge about sex.I can give you some good resources if you would like. Please don't give up, but please work on this soon!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "When it comes to sex drive, we are talking adrenal function, and a little bit of kidney;The endocrine glands require a bit of pumping up to improve one's sense of desire, motivation, and joy;Consider herbal formulas centering around woman's reproductive function to improve desire;To improve his, there are herbs for the man's side as well :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "In order to develop a better intimate connection with your husband, it's important to first cultivate a strong connection with yourself. I would take some time to explore your own body, notice what feels pleasurable, and play with different ways to achieve orgasm on your own. Explore your own willingness to be open emotionally, sexually, and to play and have fun.Once you've engaged in a process of self exploration, I would check in with yourself and be honest about why you're not enjoying sex. Are there specific reasons you're not enjoying sex with your husband? Sometimes the reasons might be of a sexual nature and other times there could be emotional blocks (or anxiety) or other reasons that prevent you from wanting to be fully open and let go with your partner. From a sexual perspective, I would explore what you can do to increase your own pleasure, learn ways to communicate your needs in a loving way, and focus on pleasure and play (rather than outcome and orgasm). Begin by taking the pressure off orgasm and enjoy a naked massage together-- focusing on exploring what feels pleasurable. Lastly, if you're wanting to learn new skills, check out a local sex workshop."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "Hi there,Thank you for your openness about the challenge you are experiencing in your relationship. Sexual intimacy is an important part of many people's life, but how much importance is placed on it varies from couple to couple.The first step would be to have an open conversation with your husband. It's important you are both open about what you desire from sexual intimacy and how much intimacy each one of you wants. For example, asking your husband how often does he want to have sex/ week or /month. When having this conversation, it's important that you are both respectful and open with each other. The point of the conversation is to get to know each other and not to solve a problem, yet.There are couples who enjoy fulfilling platonic/friendship relationships with minimal or no sex because both partners are not interested in it. If you are both on the same page - lack of sex might not be a problem.If there is a difference in your sex drive and frequency of desire, I would recommend seeing a professional relationship & sex therapist as a couple to help you explore your current sexual dynamic, what's creating it, what's getting in a way of connecting sexually and toassist you and your husband in finding creative solutions."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.", "answerText": "I work with many couples that experience a wide range of sexual and relationship challenges. The one aspect I tell many folks that I work with, is this: Every person and relationship is different. There really isn't a \"normal\" amount of sex a person should have or want to have. If having sex 4 to 5 times in the course of your relationship is satisfying to you and your husband, there is nothing wrong with it. If you or your husband would like to have sex more often, I suggest talking with a counselor about this to find ways to engage in a sexual life in which you are both satisfied. The aspect of connectedness is an important one. While sex can be very connecting for many couples, it isn't the only way to connect. I find that communication about the matter of frequency of sex, checking in to see how you and your husband feel, as well as communicant about your needs for connection are an important start to fulfilling this need."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop obsessively checking if my boyfriend is cheating?", "questionText": "My dad cheated on my mom for 13 years. I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that my boyfriend might be cheating on me even when I know he isn't. I have full access to his phone, social media, and e-mails. I never find anything, but I'm obsessed with constantly checking just in case. How do I stop this? It's driving a wedge between us.", "answerText": "Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted.The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours.Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like \"everyone cheats\", or \" you're not enough for him\". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts.The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting \"as if\" something if true strangely helps us believe it.It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Your question is very meaningful to your relationship.And, the possible reasons are endless.It is definitely a topic which affects both of you. You need to gently ask your boyfriend this question directly. How you ask, how he answers and the discussion or lack of discussion which follows, will show a lot about the comfort you each feel being with each other and what conditions would improve the sex life.Medical rule out is always the first consideration.Before addressing in detail any topics of trust, care, love, ways to express oneself sexually, your boyfriend needs to know that here isn't some physical problem preventing him from having sex w you.If he is told by his doctor that there is no medical reason, then the two of you are free to talk about why he stops himself from having sex with you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If you are saying that he will not have sex with you, but the rest of your relationship is as you would like it to be, perhaps you can have a discussion about it. There could be a difference in preferences. Perhaps you could give each other feedback regarding what you like and what you don't like.If there are other concerns in your relationship, such as possibly needing to communicate better or trust each other more, these concerns could be showing up related to your question about sex."}, {"questionTitle": "Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am not sure that we can be much help since we know very little about your situation. For example, we don't know how old you are or if you have previously had asatisfying sex life. So, I will just name a few things that can impact someone's interest in sex, and some colleagues may add others. There are quite a few things that can actually lead to disinterest or inability to have sex. Things such as depression, illness, anxiety/stress, substance or alcohol abuse, andrelationship dissatisfaction are just a few reasons. I work in a medical setting, and you might be surprised by how many male patientshavesome kind of erectile dysfunction occurrenceeven in their 20s. The best way to find out why he won't have sex is simply to ask. Guessing will likely not bring you tothe actual truth, and if you are dissatisfied about your sex life, it is likely not to get better without take some kind of action step. I suggest approaching your partner with compassion and concern. He may also be aware that there is a problem and is afraid or embarrassed to talk to you about it. If you do end up communicating, you have some options to explore. He may want to see his primary care provider if he believes it may be a health issue. A vicious circle can develop about this topic. A person has difficulty with sex for some reason, which generates anxiety, which can actually lead to more difficulty with sex.Counseling can be helpful. Some couples trysomething called the Sensate Focus Method. You can look it up online. I am not suggesting it or indicating it will help, but some people have said it is helpful.Good luck and be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I fix my trust issues with my wife?", "questionText": "Im always questioning her about things such as who she is texting and talking to on the phone, why she is always on social media, checking her phone records, and going through her phone. I do this knowing that I have never found any reason for her to be cheating, and I have no reason to.", "answerText": "Understand the reasons you feel mistrustful. Even though you aren't finding evidence of cheating, your weak sense of faith in your wife's behavior is worth examining bc trust is fundamental to a good relationship.It is possible you don't have faith in yourself to accurately tell whether someone is telling you the truth or whether you are interpreting evidence accurately.Anyone who has themselves had their trust severely violated will feel uneasy to naively trust what is on face value.The work requires observing your own confidence in gradually feeling safe that what someone tells you is true, is actually true.Examine as much evidence as needed of whether what the other person tells you they're doing, does in fact take place.When the facts line up and show you no reason to be fearful, then you will be one step closer to trusting yourself to trust someone else."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know who to trust?", "questionText": "So many people lie, and it's hard to tell who speaks the truth. Who do I trust? I don't even trust my family or friends.", "answerText": "Start by trusting yourself.This is harder to do than it may sound.If a person trusts themselves, their actions, decisions, way of handling matters, then evaluating whether or not to trust another human being, becomes much easier.Also, don't be in a rush to trust someone. Trust takes time to develop. First observe someone, listen to the person, whether they follow through. Repeat this process multiple times, which requires time to accomplish.At a certain point in this process you will start to feel whether or not the person is trustworthy or not."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about not being sexually attracted to my girlfriend of five years?", "questionText": "Nothing we've tried has worked so far.", "answerText": "Probably what you should do is decide whether you can continue having a romantic and sexual relationship with someone to whom you don't feel like having sex.Five years is long enough to know that the way you feel toward your partner is more than likely going to remain this way.Talk with your gf about your feelings because she may not wish to be in a relationship in which her partner is not sexually attracted to her."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about not being sexually attracted to my girlfriend of five years?", "questionText": "Nothing we've tried has worked so far.", "answerText": "Sexual attraction is often discussed on a continuum. If you are saying that you are not attracted to your girlfriend, you could try changing what you do during sexual intimacy. You could also try slowly using nonsexual touch and discussing what you each like and would prefer to do more of compared to what is not as desirable. After doing this for nonsexual touching, it can also be used with sexual touching. Looking at more of what you like or would like to feel may be of help."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop letting things that happened in my past ruin my current relationship?", "questionText": "Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says I stress him out with me not trusting him and always accusing him of things. It hit me that I still hold on to every bad thing my mother has ever said to me and everything that anyone has ever done to me. I act as if he's going to do it too.", "answerText": "The relationship history with your mother was probably quite painful and left emotional hesitation to avoid similar dynamics with others.If you haven't done so already, then tell your bf about the difficulties you had with your mother, and ask him to be sensitive to not trusting easily.The two of you can collaborate in creating more security in relating to him. Maybe he can tell you sooner about particular times he feels frustrated.Then you will know and be able to address your own sore points and by handling these differently than through the years with your mom, toward your bf.Your process of feeling and thinking in terms familiar from your growing up years, is normal. Each of us is this way.The difference is you know and would be willing to develop new patterns of relating to someone which is based on more care and trust than you knew growing up."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I get a divorce?", "questionText": "I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.", "answerText": "I don't know that I should tell you to get a divorce. Some would, but I think there is something much deeper going on for you. I would be more concerned about figuring out the deeper reason you are having an affair. Do you have shame and guilt? Do you not like that you are doing this to your husband? Do you see yourself as a bad person, or do you just want more? All of this can be handled if you really want to fix it in your marriage.You can have more in your marriage with some help. You can stop having affairs if you get help. I would encourage you to seek help right away and find out what you are missing that is driving you to commit affairs. I actually believe that if you get a divorce, you will probably keep repeating the same behavior with another person. Let me know if you desire more help."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I get a divorce?", "questionText": "I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.", "answerText": "Whether to divorce or not depends on your reasoning to do so.Marriage is its own unique existence dependent on what the partners want from it.Examine your terms of satisfaction from the marriage.Maybe you have very clear reasons to continue the marriage.Maybe you dont.Only you can decide if what youre contributing and benefitting is satisfying enough to stay."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I get a divorce?", "questionText": "I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.", "answerText": "Clearly you seem interested inbeing other people, and you are also concerned about your husband being unfaithful online. But it seems like there is something that keeps you with your husband. And I have so many questions for you: What are you looking for outside of your marriage? Are you willing to give that up if your husband is not able to provide it? Do you want to stay together and make it work? Do you want to open the lines of communication with your husband, so you could analyze the situation together?I suggest attending couples therapy or even couples mediation to assess and discuss where you want to go whit your relationship. It will also help to establish healthy lines of communication, where you could express the pros and cons of the relationship, analyze if you are willing to work to stay together, or have some closure and process a separation. I provide a combination of counseling and mediation in couple's therapy, you can call 787466-5478 to make an appointment.Deber divorciarme?Le he sido infiel a mi esposo al menos diez veces en los ltimos cinco aos. En el trabajo pretendo que no soy casada. Recientemente se fijo, pero ment para cubrirlo. El hablaba con mujeres por el internet, pero yo he tenido varias aventuras.Claramente tu estas interesada en ver a otras personas, y estas preocupada de que tu esposo haya sido infiel. Pero al parecer hay algo que aun sostiene la relacin. Tengo varias preguntas para ti: Que estas buscando fuera de tu matrimonio? Ests dispuesta a dejar lo que encuentras fuera del matrimonio, si tu esposo no puede drtelo? Quieres quedarte con l y hacerlo funcionar? Te gustara abrir las lneas de comunicacin con tu esposo, para que puedan analizar su relacin?Les sugiero hacer terapia de pareja o inclusive mediacin, para asesar y discutir a donde quieres llegar con tu relacin. Tambin les ayudara a re-establecer lneas de comunicacin de manera que puedan expresar los pros y contras de estar juntos, ver si pueden trabajar para mejorar su matrimonio o partir amigablemente. En mi consultorio proveo una combinacin de consejera de pareja y mediacin, puede llamar al 787-466-5478 para una cita."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I get a divorce?", "questionText": "I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.", "answerText": "It may be helpful to have this emotionally impactful conversation in the context of couples therapy.Whether or not you should get a divorce is not the first question that comes to mind for me, but more along the lines of do you want to be together and what kind of relationship do you want to create?For some people, polyamorous relationships (those involving more than two people) are acceptable. This does not work for everyone, but if each of you agree that that is okay, it may work for you and your husband. If it is something that you are both open to, it is often beneficial to have more than one discussion about the details of what is acceptable for each of you.If you want to be devoted only to each other, what does that lifestyle look like for each of you? What can you start or stop doing right now to move your relationship in that direction?Neither of you can make the other partner change. That does not mean you cannot talk about what each of your goals are together and support each other in working toward those goals you have for yourselves.Sometime having discussions like these is easier when there is a structure and/or someone in the room (like a therapist) who can help keep the conversation on topic and work on having each of you communicate in a way that expresses your wants, wishes, and desires in a way that is not blaming of your partner.If either of you wants a divorce, that could be part of the discussion. Divorce is not the only choice here, depending upon what each of you wants and is willing to accept, learn, and grow from as it relates to yourself and your partner."}, {"questionTitle": "What's the best way to handle my spouse's narcissism and bipolar disorder?", "questionText": "He is always telling me our fights are only and all my fault, he bashes me to our young child, and he is addicted to a few substances.", "answerText": "Strengthen your own belief in your right to a decent life and respect of who you are.From the brief description you write, your husband has very limited capacity to recognize how others feel and even less capacity to empathize with the person.The best you can do is convince yourself of your own worth and associate with others who believe similarly about your qualities."}, {"questionTitle": "What's the best way to handle my spouse's narcissism and bipolar disorder?", "questionText": "He is always telling me our fights are only and all my fault, he bashes me to our young child, and he is addicted to a few substances.", "answerText": "The behaviors you describe are boundary violations. You can not change your spouse, but you can respond to his behaviors in ways that protect your boundaries and ensure your safety. This is very hard to do without support. Finding a therapist who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships may be helpful. If you are not ready to do this, I recommend the book \"Boundaries\" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It's a great resource for helping one recognize boundary violations and learning how to respond to them in ways that are constructive!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I hold onto my marriage when there is no common bond or intimacy?", "questionText": "We can't hold a conversation together. The blame is always pointed at me. We have no intimacy.", "answerText": "It is hard to hold onto a partner that isn't available emotionallyor is lashing out when you face any kind of coflict between you.The conditions needed for healthy intimacy can not grow when there is an absence of common ground or lack of a sense of \"safe space\" between you.Learning to nurture yourself in this type of situation is vital and comes first. If there are to be better conditions to grow the kind of relationship you both feel safe and valued in, it needs to be a shared mission.But healthy intimacy begins within, and you CAN grow and thrive no matter the willingness or emotional availability of another.I recommend you find a good guide to walk this path back home to a deeper peace in you. If the relationship can be healed, more will become clear as you feel more ease and harmony within yourself.For more resources related to healthy inimacy, I invite you to visithttp://www.counseling4ocwomen.com"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I hold onto my marriage when there is no common bond or intimacy?", "questionText": "We can't hold a conversation together. The blame is always pointed at me. We have no intimacy.", "answerText": "How recent is your awareness of a lack of intimacy?If this is recent or sudden then the best road forward is have a conversation with your partner on the way you feel.Depending on the result and whether you'd like to try this conversation several times in order to see your partner's receptivity to explain their side, you will know how likely the lack of intimacy will continue.If you are living with a lack of intimacy for what feels like a long time, such as a few years, and your partner is unwilling to talk with you about it, then you may have reached the end of the road of intimacy returning.Whether or not you'd want to live this way becomes the next question."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my spouse to stop getting angry when I am just being myself?", "questionText": "My spouse seems to get very bothered by me speaking, asking questions, or getting excited in a way that he thinks is \"too much.\" He comes across as acting like whatever it is I'm talking about is nowhere near as important as whatever he's thinking about, which he believes will go over my head.", "answerText": "Good for you to realize you have just as much right to talk and be heard as he does.And, that your words deserve as much respect as his do.At a time which is relatively calm, introduce the topic of your hurt feelings from his difficulty listening to you speak.If it is so, tell him you value his opinion and that when you talk, there is no bad intention toward him.Ask him to explain what bothers him so much about your manner of expression.Then as a mutual project, both of you could develop a new system of talking with one another which avoids hurting your feelings and the distress he feels when he hears you talk.The above assumes good will by each of you.It is also possible he simply has no interest in listening to you, or to develop new understanding which makes doing so more likely.This possibility introduces an entirely new subject of how to live with someone who has no interest in you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is my boyfriend cheating?", "questionText": "He leaves and is gone for days or weeks but stays in contact and tells me he misses me. He gets defensive when I ask him stuff. We haven't had sex in two months. He says it's because he's not working, I'm pregnant, he doesn't like it here, and he hasn't been on the mood lately.", "answerText": "Well, there certainly is distance he creates between the two of you.Whether or not the reason is from his cheating on you is impossible to tell based only on the information here provided.You could open a general discussion about the lack of closeness you feel. Maybe he'll be more responsive to talk about emotions than about specific actions he's done or not done.Mostly, entitle yourself to the quality relationship you'd like to have. Your discomfort and distress are valid and there's no good reason to live with conditions which keep these moods in place, forever.Give yourself time to plan your next move, especially since having a baby will add to each of your responsibilities.You didn't write how long the problem you describe has continued.One possible outcome if its been a short time, is he will resolve whatever currently drives his withdrawn behaviors from you.Your life, your outcome.Trust yourself to know when the time is right to stay or to go."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my husband's black and white personality disorder?", "questionText": "After receiving counseling, we have been told my husband has a black and white personality disorder. When I offer compromises in our disagreements, he does not seem to understand. We cannot resolve conflict because he only sees things as black or white. My husband has asked that we go to counseling this time. In the past, it has been my suggestion. We are thinking of going to a marriage mediator this time because there are financial issues that need to be resolved. He cannot see the whole picture when I attempt to explain my side to him.", "answerText": "I never heard of a marriage mediator before.Since you already went to counseling and the therapist observed your husband's tendency to see black and white in life, and because counseling functions on a deeper level than a mediator generally does, a marriage mediator sounds like a step backwards.Why not go to a financial mediator?This would satisfy your husband's black white outlook and may satisfy you too because no emotions are expected in financial discussion and the relationship suffers from an expectations surrounding emotion."}, {"questionTitle": "Can my marriage be saved?", "questionText": "I have been married for ten years. My husband is 29 years my senior. We have a young daughter. Ever since she was born, my husband has \"shut down.\" We have no intimacy; he doesn't even kiss me. I've told him how I feel for years, and he swears he loves me and wants to make me happy, but I still have to literally beg for sex and affection. My self-esteem is gone, and I feel so alone. He has stranded me. He uses his passive-aggressive ways and ignores every comment I make. He refuses to talk to me in detail.", "answerText": "Hi Smyrna,Your husband is avoiding dealing with this problem. I understand how lonely you must feel, not only sexually, but emotionally too.From what you describe, it seems that he wants tobe there for you, but he clearly has barriers to engaging fully around this issue. My hunch is that he doesn't know what to do or how to talk to you. But I think he does have something to say.Your husband is 29 years older and you've been together for ten years...that puts you at around thirty perhaps and him at almost sixty? Has any wise older woman sat you down to explain that men sometimes have erectile issues or hormone-related low sex drive as they age? It's possible that your husband is bewildered, angry, grieving or anxious about changes in his sex drive or his ability to maintain an erection, and that he doesn't know how to talk to you about this. He may feel like he's letting you down, and he's scared it will get worse, so he's sticking his head in the sand. Of course, that doesn't help, does it?The worst case scenario is that you get angry or hopeless, that he senses danger or disapproval from you and pulls away even further in shame. Eventually, you stop chasing him, and you drift further apart.It's a bit of a conundrum...how to honour both your need for connection and honesty and his need for a safe place to explore his fears and insecurities. Maybe lower your expectations for a bit? Your husband will need to believe that you are a safe place to share his fears, and you would need to hold onto the fact that he's really scared, and that he's not rejecting you...just protecting himself.I would suggest having a gentle conversation that sounds something like \"Sweetheart, we both know that something's not right here. I think you've been trying to handle this on your own or hoping it would get better, but can we agree that it's not? I need you to either talk to me about what's happening, or please go see a doctor. What I need is to see that you are doing some little step to help us. Either of those things would show me that.\"In the end, you need to know that he's heard you and that he's willing to look at the issue in some way. If he does neither, then at least you know where you stand and you can decide whether to live in a sexless marriage.I wonder if showing him this answer to your question might help? Just a thought."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I address my grievances to my boyfriend?", "questionText": "With college over, my boyfriend and I have such different work schedules. Since I can't see him often, I want to talk more on the phone. He plays video games while talking to players, so often I feel ignored. I find myself always telling him what to do in relation to me, things he should know.", "answerText": "Directly tell him what you write here.Either he is losing interest in you or he is simply caught up in short fun w his friends and video games.A conversation on this subject will give you more clarity on your question."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I not be afraid of commitment?", "questionText": "I've pretty much been on my own since day one, I'm a middle child of five, and I can't seem to put my trust in anyone. It took me four years to finally open up a little to my best friend. Every time I realize that I have feelings for someone, I freak out and never talk to them again. I really want some help.", "answerText": "One way to concentrate is that if your mind starts to wonder then remind yourself to bring your attention back.Start with short time spans of expecting yourself to concentrate. You'll more likely succeed with concentrating with small time spans than longer ones.Once you start seeing your success, this will motivate you to try increasing the length to expect yourself to concentrate.The task of self-reminding is the same, whether for long or short time periods.Also, before starting this exercise ask your medical doctor if the problem can be related to a physical health problem.If there is, then have the possibility ruled out that your difficulty concentrating comes from the mental ability to concentrate, and not some medical reason preventing this.Before someone can engage their psychological will there must be a clean medical body and mind with which to work."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I cope with being led on?", "questionText": "I was with my friends at the park, and we were talking and having fun. After a while, I met a girl there. We talked and flirted for a while, then we gave our numbers to each other and left. We talked for a few months, then we met up again. She kissed me, so I assumed we were dating. Then I found out she has a boyfriend.", "answerText": "I'm sorry for your disappointment with this girl.Maybe next time you start to like someone talk with the person to find out if they feel similar to you. This way you have a good chance to avoid being hurt in the way you describe here.Even if the person doesn't give you a straightforward answer to their feelings for you, you'll gain a little more information by listening to how seriously they consider your question, what their body language is like, whether or not the person seems sincere.Listen to your gut.If you feel unsure the person likes you as much as you like them, then wait a little while to see if your feelings about the person or their feelings about you, change and in what direction they change.Keep yourself informed as best you can so you'll know you did as much as possible to kiss someone who understands your kiss the way you mean it to be understood."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to be more sensitive when I'm not intimate with my boyfriend?", "questionText": "He's gone for 11 weeks for a band camp. It's week two right now. We used to be Intimate a lot, and now since he's busy 12 hours a day, we can't really be Intimate, even over the phone. Is it normal for me to more sensitive in general?", "answerText": "Well yes, physical intimacy does give all sorts of positive feelings. The sudden withdrawal of these is certainly possible to trigger a reaction like the one you describe."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about my husband's emotional affair with his ex-wife?", "questionText": "My husband had an emotional affair with his ex-wife in November. She invited him to dinner, alone, with their daughter. I wasnt aware of this until after 11pm when I asked where he was. He had been drinking, and I told him not to come home that night. The next morning, we talked about going to counseling. He went out that night with friends and said his ex-wife wasn't going. I found out in April that she did go. I gave him the chance to get everything out in the open. I found out that he stayed that second night with her. I asked if they slept in the same bed, and he said yes, both nights. His daughter wasn't there the second night. He claims they didn't have sex, but what else should I think?", "answerText": "I agree with you that professional counseling is a wise choice for your relationship.Your husband may not know, want to know or want to discuss with you, what his true feelings are toward you and the ex.The topic is very heated, which is why discussing these matters alone may do more harm than good,Usually people start deeply complex emotional matters discussion and get so upset the conversation goes off track and unintended hurts happen.In a therapist office, the two of you will be guided on talking about these critical areas and this will be much more productive than trying to do so only with the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about my husband's emotional affair with his ex-wife?", "questionText": "My husband had an emotional affair with his ex-wife in November. She invited him to dinner, alone, with their daughter. I wasnt aware of this until after 11pm when I asked where he was. He had been drinking, and I told him not to come home that night. The next morning, we talked about going to counseling. He went out that night with friends and said his ex-wife wasn't going. I found out in April that she did go. I gave him the chance to get everything out in the open. I found out that he stayed that second night with her. I asked if they slept in the same bed, and he said yes, both nights. His daughter wasn't there the second night. He claims they didn't have sex, but what else should I think?", "answerText": "My answer is going to be super simplistic but I believe this may be what you need. Ask your husband if he wants to stay married to you. If he says yes, then it would be helpful to go to a marriage counselor and work this out with a professional. If he says no, then you can file for divorce."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I make my relationship with my girlfriend better?", "questionText": "She's busy because her mom makes her clean all the time and go out places with her family. We don't talk much because of it. Also, we have little fights. We want to work it out but we don't know how.", "answerText": "Maybe your girlfriend feels torn in her emotions between loyalty toward her family and toward investing herself in a relationship.There are so many \"maybes\", that the best way to strengthen your relationship is to ask your girlfriend if she feels any pressure from her family to avoid involving herself with you.If the answer is \"no\", then continue to talk with each other as to what would make you each feel more secure with one another.Also, more simply, are the two of you able to resolve the \"little fights\"?Differences of opinion are normal between two people, even to the point of each person feeling they are the only one who knows the correct answer.As long as each one of you has the goodwill to give a little, then the fights are a healthy way to respect and care about each other.If the fights are about the same topic which repeats itself, then there are strong differences between the two of you, including the possibility that her family places and she is willing to accept, some obstacle to this relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I make my relationship with my girlfriend better?", "questionText": "She's busy because her mom makes her clean all the time and go out places with her family. We don't talk much because of it. Also, we have little fights. We want to work it out but we don't know how.", "answerText": "Maybe you can start with having 15 minutes per week that you know you will be spending time with each other (even if it needs to be on the phone). Because this much time could be scheduled ahead of time, at least you would know there was that time that was set aside. That may also help you to rekindle some conversations between you.As far as your little fights, consider spending five minutes with one of you talking about one issue that is a concern and the other partner asking questions that are open-ended (cannot be answered with just yes or no) and listening as an investigative reporter to try to learn more about what the other person is experiencing. Then, once the partner who started speaking thinks the listening partner is understanding where they are coming from, switch. It's also good to restate what you think you are hearing. Then you know what each other is truly following about this. Also remember that following or understanding what someone is saying does not imply agreement, just that you are recognizing what they are saying and able to see where they are coming from.Also consider noticing what makes you feel valued, special, loved, or appreciated. Think of the same for your girlfriend. This could be a great discussion to have as well."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is my ex-boyfriend upset with me?", "questionText": "I went to my ex-boyfriend to reach out to one of his high school friends who's attempted to commit suicide. When I went to him to reach out to his high school friend, he told me that I put him in a terrible position and put an enormous load on his shoulders. He was very angry that I went to him to do that. Am I in the wrong for going to him to reach out? He helped me so much with my depression and bad habits, so that's why I thought of him to reach out. He made me feel awful for thinking highly of him to help. Why did he react this way towards me? I think he's being selfish.", "answerText": "Your compassionate reach out to the friend is praiseworthy.That your ex bf has trouble accepting your gesture as kindness shows your ex bf is not seeing the situation clearly.I believe your ex bf's words about feeling burdened by your action.However, he is mixing up his own responsibility to know the root of his feelings.Blaming you for feelings he doesn't understand within himself is unfair and not helpful to anyone, including him.From what you write, you did nothing wrong and your action toward the potential suicider was gracious.My only guess which is also very general about your ex bf's behavior is that he doesn't yet fully understand himself and finds blaming others easier than understanding himself."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is my ex-boyfriend upset with me?", "questionText": "I went to my ex-boyfriend to reach out to one of his high school friends who's attempted to commit suicide. When I went to him to reach out to his high school friend, he told me that I put him in a terrible position and put an enormous load on his shoulders. He was very angry that I went to him to do that. Am I in the wrong for going to him to reach out? He helped me so much with my depression and bad habits, so that's why I thought of him to reach out. He made me feel awful for thinking highly of him to help. Why did he react this way towards me? I think he's being selfish.", "answerText": "I'm glad you think so highly of your boyfriend and his ability to be there when you would like to talk about things that are important to you.I see why you would want them to reach out. I also wonder about how close he was with his friend and what he thought you meant when you asked him to reach out. It sounds as if he is thinking that doing so would mean that he is responsible for his friend's well-being, although I can't say that for certain.Would you be willing to have a discussion with your boyfriend where for a few minutes (five minutes or so), you ask him about what made him react that way? During this time, try to listen and ask questions is if you are an investigative reporter and are trying to learn more about his experience. You can also summarize what you are hearing to make sure that you understand it as he does. This does not mean that you have to agree with what you say, but just that you follow. I hear you saying that you think he's being selfish. I'm suggesting that just during this conversation, you ask questions to focus on what he is thinking and feeling. In one sentence, the goal would be to learn more about his experience.I would not be at all surprised if he is scared.Are you aware of what kind of support he wants through this time?"}, {"questionTitle": "My long-distance boyfriend has started to pull away from mewhat can I do?", "questionText": "He told me he started to back away because I was asking for too much in the relationship. The more I tried to fix things, the worse it got. I want to make us better again, but I don't know how.", "answerText": "Have you asked your boyfriend directly this question?It is a good question and possibly would open a necessary clarifying discussion as to what each of you expects from the other."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I discuss my fetishes with wife when she is very sexually passive and insecure?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Do you know whether the reason your wife is sexually passive and insecure is due to your fetishes?Maybe she'd be very turned on by your fetishes.Try to not mix up your hesitancy to speak about your fetishes which she hasn't yet directly heard from you, with your assumption that her sexual passivity necessarily means she will reject or withdraw from you when you speak of your fetishes to her."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I discuss my fetishes with wife when she is very sexually passive and insecure?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Thank you for asking your question. When I read terms like \"fetishes\" and that your wife is \"sexually passive and insecure\" I can't help but wonder that there may be more going on within the coupleship and with yourself than what has been asked about in your particular question. I invite you to enter into an exploratory journey with an experienced therapist to identify your fetishes and the deeper story behind the \"who\", \"what\", \"when\" \"where\", \"how\" and \"why\" they are important to you. Additionally, consider whether or not you need these fetishes as arequirement or strongly preferred for sexual excitement; and in its absence do you find yourself being sexually avoidant with your spouse or suffering from some form of erectile dysfunction. While the fetishes may not be causing you clinically significant distress or impairment in functioning it seems from your question that they might (or would) cause distress to your wife. An experienced clinician could help you and your wife to navigate through this relationalterrainensuring all are heard and that the coupleship is honored. Best wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my boyfriend being so close with another girl?", "questionText": "My boyfriend has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even closer than what I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.", "answerText": "I wonder if you could have a conversation with your boyfriend about how you are feeling. A few things may help with that:Try having the conversation you are both able to have a conversation about something that is important (for example, not during a commercial for a TV show)Maybe your boyfriend will be willing to listen to you for about five minutes asking questions to learn more about your experience, kind of like an investigative reporter wouldSee if your boyfriend is able to capture the essence of what you're saying by summarizing it for youRemember that hearing you and following what you're saying does not mean that he agreesAlso consider if there are events in your past that are affecting the way you are looking at this relationship between your boyfriend and this other girl (we all bring our own histories into relationships and we unconsciously expect that what has worked in other relationships will work in current ones)Then you can switch so that you can hear more about what he is experiencing (for example, what it is that he likes about her)Also consider having a discussion that if one of you becomes very emotional and needs a break from the discussion, discuss having a timeout that will last for a certain time frame (usually between 15 minutes and one hour) and then come back to continue the discussionRemember that the goal here is just to learn more about what each of you is going through, not to find a solution right awayThis can be difficult. Consider working with a couples therapist to discuss it together."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my boyfriend being so close with another girl?", "questionText": "My boyfriend has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even closer than what I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.", "answerText": "Well, as hurtful as witnessing your boyfriend's closeness with his female friend, I\"m glad you saw firsthand the dynamic of your concern.There isn't anything you can directly do to stop his relationship with this lady.It is possible to influence his side of their relationship.Directly telling him your discomfort with how close the two are, may make him pause before engaging with her in a discussion. This is nothing to count on since the control is in his hands and not yours.I'm sorry to read that the option to leave this relationship is out of the question.The only way left is to get used to the fact that you don't like this aspect of your boyfriend, and this is a disheartening outlook overall to you and to your relationship overall.If after repeated effort to influence him by your opinions, your effort to adjust to a situation you don't like, if at all possible, consider a longterm plan to discontinue this relationship because by that time it may feel very oppressive in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do when my boyfriend says he's not ready for marriage?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If you are ready for marriage and he isn't, then ask him his reasons and what his terms would be for making the decision to marry.This way you'll know if he ever would like to be married and if the terms he states are similar enough to yours that this relationship is worth continuing.Also, marriage means living one life together, so it is good practice for the two of you to have discussions on the deeper and more intimate concerns of your lives."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do when my boyfriend says he's not ready for marriage?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I don't know if you have any details regarding what makes him say he is not ready for marriage.It may also be helpful to look at what is making marriage so important to you right now.Maybe this is something around which you could have a conversation where you each listen to each other for about five minutes and try to ask questions about what the other person is experiencing to gain more clarity about what is happening. This particular type of conversation wouldn't be about reaching a certain solution, but just understanding more about yourselves and each other. I also recommend prefacing that conversation with asking if the person is open to having a discussion that is important at that time.If this proves to be a difficult discussion, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples. Even if only one of you goes to see a counselor, you may have some clarification.In the meantime, try to look at what you have that makes you feel valued, special, and loved. Perhaps you can look at the things that make your boyfriend feel that way as well."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. When faced with these kinds of difficult challenges, I usually encourage people to look to their values for help in determining what their behavior should be. Indeed, it is usually when our behaviors conflict with our values that we don't feel very content with our lives. Perhaps you can take some time to think through a couple of these questions: What kind of person do I want to be deep in my heart? Whatkind of characterdo I want to have when in public and in my private world when nobody is watching? How would I want others to describe me? Let's say that you want others to see you as being authentic, and YOU also valueauthenticityas something you want to live by. You may feel like this value is currently at odds with the behaviors you are engaging in right now. That you are not being the person that you really are deep in your heart. This is not an unusual struggle when it comes to sexual behavior and sexual orientation. So please, try not to feel alone. We all know quite well how unacceptable it may be to be seen as gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. And I am not just talking about being unaccepted by others, but a person may have a VERY hard time accepting themselves. Thinking about your valuesand living a life based on them can bring a lot of freedom, but I won't lie, it can also bring a lot of pain at the same time. For example, someone with the value of living authentically may decide they have to tell others who they are and what they stand for, even if that means people may disapprove. That may cause a lot of pain, but it may also come with a sense of freedom to live a life based on honesty and authenticity. It may be helpful to find a counselor who is trained in affirmative therapy, which is recommended for people who are navigating their sexual behaviors and figuring out what is right for them. I would also sit down and think through some of the questions above and consider what your values are... both as an individual and as someone's fianc.Above all, I wish you well in this journey. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "It took a lot of courage to share what must be so shameful to you and to ask for help. Regardless of your sexual attraction/orientation, I'd encourage you to get honest with yourself and your partner/fiancee and put a temporary hold on your wedding plans -- getting married will NOT resolve your acting out. It seems to me you need more space, time to sort through with an experienced therapist more of your sex/sexuality story-line and apparent anxiety surrounding the upcoming nuptials. In the immediate I encourage you to also take the initiative to have yourself tested for STDs, etc. and if you've been sexually intimate with your partner/fiancee s/he needs to be similarly tested. Best wishes.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) The book \"Not Gay: Sex between Straight White Men\" by Jane Ward, 2)http://www.sca-recovery.org/, 3)https://slaafws.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Good for you to bring up this situation for addressing, especially before you and your partner are married and have all the legal responsibilities of married life.You gave yourself the biggest clue as to where to start solving this problem.Since you don't know what to do, then for right now postpone your wedding date.Whether your drive toward other men relates to feeling sexually unfulfilled with your fianc, or you're not as willing to commit to your fianc as you imagined yourself to be, or there are other relationship problems not being addressed with your fianc, these need to be identified and understood.Since marriage is a commitment of one's life to another person's life, then without the willingness to commit you are almost guaranteeing future problems in the upcoming marriage."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "I would start by examining the reasons for seeking out other relationships. Are you getting something from the other men that you do not currently receive from your current partner? Such as,is itmore exciting with others and that excitement is lacking in your current relationship?"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Divorce is expensive emotionally and financially. If your fiance is not ok with an open marriage, it would be a good idea to seek the help of a counselor before you get married."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others", "questionText": "Im a man, and Im soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but its been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "If you are happy with the person that you are about to be married to and are also enjoying time with other men, it could be possible that you are attracted to people of more than one gender.Having said that, some people have feelings toward people of more than one gender that are not really related to romance or attraction, but any number of other feelings, such as trust and communication. I don't know whether your use of the phrase \"messing around\" was related specifically to being romantically or sexually involved with the people who you are or referring to or if you are saying that you are enjoying spending time with them. These terms have different definitions for almost everyone.I would definitely recommend speaking with a local mental health practitioner in your area, not because there is anything wrong about the way you are feeling, but because there are a lot of different parts of what is happening in your life right now and it may be helpful to talk about the feelings and thoughts with someone who can help you to learn more about yourself and the people are most important in your life (yourself included).I also suggest looking at a few things that you love and appreciate about yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "My friend had lied about every aspect of her lifewhat do I do?", "questionText": "She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and its with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.", "answerText": "Is being friends with this person safe for you?Liars don't generally distinguish who they bring down with them or in service to themselves.Step one is to understand a true friendship, which is based on trust, is probably not possible with this person.If you'd like to offer words of advice to protect her from herself then try gently pointing out that some of her actions which you know about, may come around to harm her.There is only a small chance she will be open to hearing you.People who lie are also very fearful of trusting others, including themselves. She may prefer to keep status quo than open her own emotional pain to understand what created the need to lie in the first place."}, {"questionTitle": "My friend had lied about every aspect of her lifewhat do I do?", "questionText": "She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and its with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.", "answerText": "Have an honest and open conversation with her about how her behavior is negatively impacting you ( and others). You will feel good knowing you did the right thing."}, {"questionTitle": "My friend had lied about every aspect of her lifewhat do I do?", "questionText": "She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and its with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.", "answerText": "To be honest, I think more information would be really important here because what you are asking could have a lot of different meanings. Consider making an appointment with a local therapist to discuss what you are going through."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend wants nothing to do with me after his dad's suicide", "questionText": "My boyfriend lost his dad to suicide. He says that because his dad died, so did his heart. He says that he can't be there for me or love me anymore and wants nothing to do with me ever again. Why is he doing this when we were very happy together? He says that I have done nothing wrong but he just can't be with me.", "answerText": "I am sorry to learn of this. You must be extremely frustrated and heartbroken. To begin, he is correct. You have done nothing wrong. This is entirely a coping mechanism in overdrive. It is fear. It is anger. It is extreme sadness. It is feelings of abandonment. It is intense emotional pain. It is his way of protecting himself from potential unexpected additional loss.I am not familiar with how old this post is, but often, it will require time and understanding. If he speaks with you, encourage him to get grief counseling. Do not encourage it for your relationship, encourage it for his betterment coping with losing his dad. Start there. Good Luck."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I open up to someone?", "questionText": "Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't seem to get close to anyone else. I know I'm completely over him, but I just can't break down my walls and let someone new into my life.", "answerText": "Hi Bend, You're scared, right? That makes sense. Each time we have a break-up we are a bit more in touch with how much is at stake in this whole love and relationship business. We are falling in love and letting someone close to our hearts and there's a vulnerability in that; we can get hurt. Who you partner with long-term is a big decision and it determines 90% of our happiness in life.The good news is that when we're just starting to get to know someone, we can take it slow. I think maybe you are slowing yourself down instinctively here, and that's okay. We are naturally people of attachment and it won't likely last if you are normally an open and accessible person who doesn't put up walls. So part of what I want to say here is don't pressure yourself too much. Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow. :)As well, there are a few things you can do to make sure that the walls do eventually come down, or will come down for the right person.First, think about the lessons you learned from this past relationship. What do you feel proud of? What do you need in a partner? What mistakes did you make? Use this experience to grow in your awareness of how you work in a relationship and what you need from a partner.Look at your thoughts. Are you having generalized negative thoughts like \"No one will ever love me again?\", or \"I'm going to get hurt again\", or \"I can't trust myself\"? If so, write down what these thoughts are, and then ask yourself what evidence supports these thoughts. Fear tries to convince us that there is either something wrong with us or that something bad will happen, but it does so with little or no evidence of this ever happening!! It sells us a line based on no concrete evidence. Then ask yourself what evidence supports the opposite thought. What is the evidence that I am lovable... that there are safe, good people out there... that I can trust myself? Eliminate the negative thoughts, and add the positive ones. It's simple but very powerful.Lastly, take concrete and careful steps to act as though there are no walls. What is the evidence of the walls? Can you take purposeful baby steps in the direction of lowering those walls? When we act as though something is true, we start to feel it and believe it more.I hope you will find yourself back on track eventually, with time. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "You are in an abusive relationship-not because of your boyfriend's silences but because he is comfortable being sarcastic and hurtful, never admits he is wrong and never apologizes. It is your choice to participate in an abusive relationship. You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how wonderfully you treat your partner. You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship. I wish you well, always."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "This has to be very difficult to endure.It's pretty common for members of a couple to have different ways of resolving conflict. Very often, one person wants to deal with the conflict right away or shortly thereafter and the other person wants to wait. One thing that sometimes works is to consider having a conversation when you are not upset with one another about taking some sort of timeout and setting a timeframe for something like \"I cannot talk about this now, but we can talk about it in two hours.\"My best guess is that your boyfriend is triggered by some previous relationship, either romantic or in childhood. If he is aware of something that he thinks or feels when you ask him to resolve conflict or to discuss it, it would be good to know what that is. It could even be that he's learned to handle conflict that way.Something else you could try is to have a conversation where you each discuss what is acceptable for what is acceptable for each of you during an argument and what is not. These sorts of discussions can be very difficult and you may benefit from working through them with a mental health professional who has some experience working with couples.As far as what you can do now, perhaps you can remind yourself that these things have worked out before, that you love him and believe that he loves you, or some other statements that are true for you. You may also consider finding ways to soothe yourself. For example, you may find that you like certain outdoor activities or reading a certain type of book or something else that gives you pleasure."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "As you say, if he does reply it is hurtful. But, if he doesn't reply, it sounds like it's just as hurtful (though more in my opinion in terms of the longer-range effects on the relationship). The behavior he is exhibiting would easily pass for \"passive-aggression,\" as it is manipulative and controlling through passive withdrawal behaviors. And I can assure you that you are not alone in struggling with how to deal with it. So many do, and that's why it gets done so often, because it can. For example, if you push for connection, he stonewalls even more. You probably become more distressed.Frankly, if you and your boyfriend were sitting on my couch in therapy, I'd likely say that the behavior needs to stop in order for the relationship to continue, because of how severe it sounds (an hour of withdrawal because someone can't deal is reasonable, as everyone can shut down from time to time, but this feels extreme and is extremely hurtful to you.) I might even say to him that the behavior needs to stop if he ever wants to be in a healthy, loving, connected relationship. Because the amount that you describe him disconnecting severely hurts trust and security. One of the first \"change events\" in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy is for the person doing the withdrawing to be able to use words and communication to help the partner understand what they are experiencing, so the burden does fall more on him at the beginning. It becomes the partner's job to tolerate though whatever his experience is.There is no one \"tried and true\" solution to working with passive-aggression, but I would most advise limit-setting (like I would do in our session). In one way, shape, or form, in order for the behavior to stop, there has to be consequences to it. The more you tolerate it and allow him to come back to you when he's done with his silent tantrum, the more you encourage the behavior because he is getting what he wants."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "Try during a good moment between you to tell him you'd like to talk over something about your relationship and that you'd like to set a time with him to do so.When a person shuts down and withdraws, the only choice is to withdraw yourself. If this continues on a regular basis, after a while the two of you will become increasingly distant and have developed the very unhappy habit of not clearing the air between the two of you.Good for you to recognize a problem and be willing to address it!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?", "questionText": "When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.", "answerText": "This sounds very hurtful for you to be on the receiving end of this. You can ask yourself \" what am I learning from the way I am being treated? \" and consider whether or not this is in fact either (1) A message or value that you agree with and believe will strengthen your relationship and help you to grow as a person or (2) A message or value that is damaging to the relationship or to your view of your self and others. Once you've considered that and come to your own conclusion, you will likely know what you need to do. If you're still stuck, you may want to consider seeing an individual therapist for yourself to process your feelings about the relationship or a couples therapist with your partner to work on improving your communication with each other."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband cheated before marriagewhat can I do?", "questionText": "My husband cheated while I was pregnant with our son with a so-called friend. This was before we were married. We split and eventually worked things out. I thought I trusted him so we got married. Now he flirts with girls in front of me. I've talked to him, but nothing helps.", "answerText": "This sounds very painful for you.Are you able to tell him how his flirting affects you?Maybe he doesn't care enough to change, and maybe he does.Long term if he continues this then usually people feel they have two choices, put up with it, which of course greatly reduces the sense of satisfaction in the relationship. Or, of course, you can decide to end the relationship. This choice is quite significant now that you have a child together. Give yourself plenty of time to think over the best outcome."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I let the father of my kids go?", "questionText": "The father of my kids and I have been broken up for about three years now. We always found our way back to each other. He had a baby with someone else he's with but still shows the same love he showed when we was together when he's around. He even gets jealous, but he ignores my calls.", "answerText": "Your story sounds like it gives you a great deal of tension and disappointment.You know you are not getting the amount of love and kind of relationship you'd like.It is almost as though you feel that \"something is better than nothing\".Reflect within yourself whether the balance of what you receive in this relationship is worth the sacrifice of not getting as much love as you wish.Depending on your decision you will know whether to drop this relationship or continue the same as its been."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I stay with my manipulative husband?", "questionText": "Every day for five years, my husband mentally abused me and said he will change. I have a child with him. I try so hard to stay strong for her, but at this point, I am completely broken. I am holding on to nothing but hope and have been for years. Is there any hope or am I wasting my time?", "answerText": "I think your own awareness will not allow you to continue in a bad relationship.Be glad something within you is telling you that there are better ways to be treated than how your husband does.For support and guidance in real time, look up the organizations in your area which help women to leave abusive relationships.You are not the first or only one and probably not the last woman who wants to leave an abusive partner. Having guidance particular to you and your situation will help you move through what decisions to make as to how to leave this man."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend doesn't compromise with me", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been disagreeing on a lot lately. It's really coming down to the fact that we want opposite things sometimes. I do a lot for him: I take care and protect him, and in the end, he still doesn't trust me. We've both come to the conclusion that when I want something and he doesn't want it, he's not willing to find a happy medium whatsoever. It's just non-negotiable. I'm not sure what to do honestly. He doesn't trust me as much as I wish he did. Honestly, sometimes I feel like his enemy, and it kills me.", "answerText": "Theres a difference between what you want, what you need and what you have. Being able to assertively identify express your wants and needs to your boyfriend may be helpful in times of negotiation. Often couples focus on recounting all the negative traits and issues when is time to negotiate and that impairs the ability to explore and find solutions objectively.You could use couples mediation to learn assertive communication skills and filter the information needed to resolve or negotiate a solution.Mi novio no transa conmigoltimamente, mi novio y yo hemos tenido muchos desacuerdos. Todo se debe al hecho de quequeremos cosas diferentes. Yo hago mucho por l, lo cuido y protejo, y al final, el no confa en m. Ambos hemos llegado a la conclusin que cuando yo quiero algo que l no quiere, l no est dispuesto a encontrar el punto medio. No es negociable. No estoy segura de que hacer. El no confa en mi tanto como quisiera que lo hiciera, a veces siento su enemiga y eso me mata.Hay una gran diferencia entre lo que quieres, lo que necesitas y lo que tienes. Poder identificar y expresar asertivamente lo que quieres y necesitas en tu relacin te ayudara en los momentos de negociacin. Muchas veces las parejas se enfocan en recontar todos los problemas y caractersticas negativas a la hora de negociar, y eso les impide hablar claramente del problema presente e identificar soluciones especficas.Pueden usar la mediacin de parejas para aprender tcnicas de comunicacin asertiva y tener asistencia filtrando e identificando la informacin que les ayudara a resolved o negociar una solucin al problema."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I open up to the ones I love?", "questionText": "I have been pushing people away all my life. I finally have a great boyfriend who loves me, but I keep pushing him away and I don't want to. I need to learn to open up.", "answerText": "Figuring out the space we need between ourselves and others is an ongoing and unsolvable task. But it sounds like you may be feeling stuck in a pattern of pushing people away and are wanting to change that. Pushing others away may be your way of surviving relationships and may have proven to be very helpful at one point in your life. Or it may be serving some other purpose. One helpful way to consider changing that is to seek out a therapist. Psychotherapy can provide you with a relationship that is in tune to you and that can provide the reflection and supportive challenges to help determine the function the 'pushing away' is serving. It also may be helpful for you to take time to reflect on the moments when interpersonal guardedness snuck its way into the interaction. What were you feeling right before this? Did it provide relief? Reflecting on what was happening just before and right after can provide some clues as to what purpose the 'pushing away' serves.It may be helpful to communicate to the boyfriend how you experience intimacy and the discomfort it can bring you at times. This may help him be as sensitive as you need him to be about the pace of the relationship, and to understand what may be happening when you push him away."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend's family expects him to take them on dates, and he doesn't think anything's wrong", "questionText": "I have been dating my boyfriend for eight years. We met in college off away from home and things went from good to bad when I met his family who treats him like he is their man. They expect him to take them on dates like to the movies and out to eat when they come around, and he thinks it's okay.", "answerText": "Well, then you learned something new about your boyfriend!Are you fine with having a different opinion than him and staying together.Think over how major a problem this is to you and if it is reason enough to leave the relationship.There are always plenty of areas of disagreement between partners in a relationship.The key to being happy is to know which ones you can accept and which ones are beyond your tolerance with which to live.Also, an early step would be to directly tell your boyfriend your opinion. He may be willing to change his ways to satisfy you."}, {"questionTitle": "I started dating someone and found out they lied about some thingswhat should I do?", "questionText": "He's lied about his past/present situations. Since time has passed, he has changed, but I still have my doubts. I have no idea if I should stay or go, but I hate this feeling. I don't trust him all too much, but yet he hasn't done anything for me not to trust him recently.", "answerText": "Your doubts about your dating partner need to be addressed and solved so you can fully believe him again.Otherwise how would you actually know whether he's lying to you now or not?Start the conversation with him about wanting to trust him and asking for whatever details you feel will give you confidence he is telling you the truth.If he really wants to clear your doubts then he will be willing to invest in answering your extra questions or wanting to look through his phone or whatever areas you felt were violated by him in the past."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be able to trust the person I'm dating again after I've been lied to multiple times already by them in the past?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Good question!The starting point is to directly tell the person you don't trust them, your reason for this and what you feel is necessary in order for the person to regain your trust.Since the person broke your trust, then this person is the one who must earn it back.Often, the one who was lied to will like to ask many questions about matters which usually wouldn't even come up.As long as your dating person is willing to accept their responsibility to earn back your trust, then the person would naturally understand and be willing to answer your questions.It is not too hard to see that if someone lies, then they are the one who must show themselves to be worthy of being believed again."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my fianc putting his family first before our family?", "questionText": "My fianc of 15 years is always helping out his family, and I feel like his family takes advantage of his kindness. We're about to get married this Saturday, but I feel like he is always gonna put them first instead of myself and our three kids. I am not enjoying our engagement at all.", "answerText": "Congrats on your upcoming wedding!Have you told the thoughts you write here, to your fianc ?This is the place to start since you clearly are unhappy with a part of his and now your life, which will be with you for quite some time."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I regain my boyfriend's trust back after being completely dishonest with him about a lot of things?", "questionText": "The eight months I've been dating my boyfriend, I have lied about a lot of things. I slept with a couple guys to get back at my boyfriend for breaking up with me. Now anything I say to him he won't believe, even if I'm being honest. I don't know what else to do at this point. He constantly criticizes me.", "answerText": "Start a conversation with him about your sincere interest to earn back his trust.Ask him what he expects from you so that he will trust you again.If you are consciously willing and do try to earn back his trust, and have periodic conversations with him on whether he feels more at ease with trusting you, then after a few months of this, both of you should feel more secure in the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "Can someone love you and say hurtful things?", "questionText": "Someone I care about told me I'm not teachable and I'm irritating. I just want to be happy and wanted to please the person, but I always fall short it seems.", "answerText": "Pleasing someone certainly does feel satisfying. If the other person does not appreciate your effort and good will then this feels dissatisfying.Offering happiness to someone does not include tolerating mean comments such as the ones you describe here.Tell the person that you are trying to please them and also tell the person that their comments are hurtful.If the person said their words with no bad intentions then next time they comment its reasonable to expect these comments to not hurt your feelings.Keep in mind that your good intentions may not be received in the way you intend them. Some people, sometimes are insensitive or just plain not interested in being pleased by another person."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I being picky when it comes to my boyfriend?", "questionText": "I've been in a relationship for almost a year, and I absolutely trust my boyfriend. He treats me nice, checks on me, and tells me sweet things. However, when it comes to making life decisions, I feel he is very immature. I try to talk things out so we can compromise or make sound decisions together, but he lacks any ideas and prefers to just go with anything to avoid fighting. As far as dates, if I don't say anything, plan it, or have money to chip in, we will not go. I feel like I put in a lot of work supporting and sometimes spoiling, and all I get is a loyal man who will not cheat and say sweet things on occasion.", "answerText": "Well, then your decision is whether you want to stay in this type of relationship or not.One point to keep in mind is this.Just because he's not telling you his opinions doesn't mean he doesn't have any opinions.In the long run t is always easier to talk with someone about their differences from our point of view than to be someone who doesn't tell you what is in their mind.Short term it seems easy to have someone agreeable.Long term someone who doesn't tell you their thoughts and who disagrees with you, may potentially go about their true wishes in hidden ways."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop being jealous of my best friend's boyfriend?", "questionText": "My best friend and I've been really close for almost three years. She lives in the UK, and I live in the US. Ever since her boyfriend flew from Oregon to Scotland, I've been angry at him. Ever since he came into her life, he took her away from me. My best friend would always say sorry, and I'm sick of it.", "answerText": "You are definitely in a frustrating situation.Your friend and the boyfriend are doing what is natural for couples who are in the early stage of their relationship. Being almost inseparable to the point of overlooking friends, is understandable as long as it doesn't continue for long enough that friends feel hurt.If you feel you would like to one more time tell your friend that you miss your friendship with her and would like her attention, then do so.After expressing your needs as much as possible and if the result doesn't change, then the sad conclusion is that your friend is willing to give you less time and energy than you require from her."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do after finding my boyfriend flirting on dating websites?", "questionText": "I found the guy Im dating on dating websites. He was telling women that they were beautiful. He said it wasnt him and that the phone was hacked. It has since happened two other times. He says he loves me and Im the only girl he wants to be with, but I feel he is not telling me the truth.", "answerText": "Tell him what you know and ask why he is lying to you. If he tells you he isn't lying and you have proof that he is, then you can either accept that he denies the truth or not."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do after finding my boyfriend flirting on dating websites?", "questionText": "I found the guy Im dating on dating websites. He was telling women that they were beautiful. He said it wasnt him and that the phone was hacked. It has since happened two other times. He says he loves me and Im the only girl he wants to be with, but I feel he is not telling me the truth.", "answerText": "I would suggest possibly talking about the type of relationship that both of you want to create. For example, you may want a relationship where honesty, listening, compassion, and romanticism are major parts. You could also see what your boyfriend wants.You may also consider taking five minutes to see if he will listen to your feelings about him being on the dating site and whether he can work to learn more about what you are experiencing with asking open-ended questions (not being answered with yes or no) and restating what you are saying to see if he has it right. After that, perhaps you could switch so that you can listen to his perspective for five minutes and learn more about what he is doing by asking open-ended questions.Remember that it takes two people to have a relationship, so the choice is yours as to whether you choose to stay in the relationship and what kind of relationship you would like to have."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife wants to spend time with her family instead of celebrating our anniversary", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Did she tell you her reason for this?If not, then ask her for her reasoning.Also, please tell your wife that you would like to celebrate your anniversary tighter with her. Maybe she doesn't know this."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend does not do some sexual things with me that he has done with other people", "questionText": "My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?", "answerText": "First off, don't blame yourself or be too quick to jump to any scary conclusions. Human sexuality can be incredibly complex at times (e.g., what turns us on at one time may not be what turns us on the next time).There could actually be a number of things going on including him having performance anxiety...maybe he had a bad experience with a previous partner that's left him scared to try again (we call this operant conditioning). It could also be that he puts you in a different category than previous lovers. Sometimes I refer to this as the \"hooker-housewife mentality\" where a partner somehow gets the idea that when we truly fall in love, we treat that one differently; almost up on a pedestal. Drives many partners crazy until they're aware that this is going on and give their boyfriend/ girlfriend permission to enjoy both the naughty and the nice with them.It could also be that he's not even aware that he's not doing these things. If you haven't asked him yet, you might try gently approaching the subject when you're not already in the bedroom or trying to get in on and inquire what he most enjoys about sex with you (or has enjoyed in the past, or thinks he might enjoy). You can also share your favorite highlights of sex with him. Give him an ego boost and tell him what he does well while then asking him if he'd be down to go downtown. \"Baby, it REALLY turns me on when you kiss me during sex.\"If you continue to get the impression that it's somehow only about YOU or that he's just really hesitant to talk about sex in general, you might see if he'd be cool to chat with a counselor who specializes in sexual intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend does not do some sexual things with me that he has done with other people", "questionText": "My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?", "answerText": "Ask him!Having a conversation about sexual satisfaction increases emotional intimacy.Not only will you potentially feel more deeply connected from a sincere conversation about your sexual questions, maybe this increased emotional closeness will inspire the sexual closeness you wish to receive."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend of a little over a year has a problem with me going to visit my mother", "questionText": "He said that if I were to visit my mother, he will be gone when I get back. My boyfriend and I hit a rough patch in our relationship a few months back, and my mom had a few choice words with him.", "answerText": "Your boyfriend and you have a separate relationship than your relationship with your mother. By trying to control whether or not you visit your mom, unless you are in agreement with this, is building tension between you and him.Ask why he resents your interest to see your mother.If he is insecure to the point where he fears your mother will influence your opinion about him, then trying to prevent you from visiting your mom is itself creating negativity in you toward him.If something still bothers him about the problems you both had several months ago, then talking about these problems will do more to clear the air between the two of you than him trying to interfere in your relationship with your mother."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about my marriage and my wife's behavior?", "questionText": "My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.", "answerText": "When \"threats\" of leaving, such as what you described in your question (\"kicking you out, wanting divorce\") are continuous in your marriage, it can start to erode at the foundation of your relationship, impacting both partners. And, if you're concerned about the influence of another male in the relationship, and are unable to express your concerns or fears to your wife, it's extremely difficult to build a secure functioning relationship.From the information provided in your question, it seems as if there is some avoidance evident in your relationship. Avoidance of being able to express yourself and have honest communication about your relationship. If your wife is willing, I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor to help you both during this time. Or, for you to talk with an individual therapist, if marriage counseling isn't an option."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about my marriage and my wife's behavior?", "questionText": "My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.", "answerText": "This has to be very confusing.I wonder if the two of you would be able to have a conversation about what it is that she would like you to know about what happened yesterday and the day before so you know what message she wanted you to get out of all of that.I would also recommend seeing a local mental health professional. If you go yourself, you could at least discuss your marriage and your own thoughts and feelings about it. If you go together, I would suggest you see a therapist who specializes in couples."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do about my marriage and my wife's behavior?", "questionText": "My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.", "answerText": "Divorce is a serious, life altering decision.It is best to decide any serious matter through reflection and discussion.Start by knowing what you want from the marriage and why you are willing to move in or out of your own house because your wife tells you to do this.Each of you would benefit from more clarity of what you expect and would like from each other.Does your wife want a boyfriend in addition to the marriage to you?Is she willing to drop the male contact?Does she care how you feel about her contact with the other guy?You need answers and knowledge about the definition of your marriage.Since there are many areas to open, all of which are filled with emotion, including pain, if you're not able to make satisfactory progress then a licensed couples therapist may be useful to you and your partner."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Do you want to be upset about a girl that he forgot about? Think about it for a minute. Do you want to measure your trust based on knowing how many female co-workers your husband has? And if so, what does that say about your marriage? Trust is something that we earn based on our actions and the actions of people we interact with; its also based on our ability to communicate and understand what we value and have in common. If you are focused on every little detail around your relationship, it may turn into an unhealthy obsession and it may harm your relationship more. If instead you focus on opening the lines of communication, let him know what you expect from him, and discuss how you could both build trust again, you may become closer and give your relationship the opportunity to grow. Debera este molesta porque mi esposo me minti de nuevo?Estoy tratando de hacer que mi matrimonio funcione despus de una separacin. Antes de separarnos el menta mucho y rompa todas sus promesas. No creo que me haya sido infiel. El mes pasado, le pregunt cuantas mujeres trabajan con l, y l me dijo. Ayer, me enter que se olvido de una muchacha. Debera estar enojada?Quieres estar molesta porque se le olvido con cuantas mujeres trabaja? Pinsalo por un momento. Quieres determinar la confianza que le tienes en tu esposo basndote en su capacidad de reportar la cantidad de mujeres que trabajan con l? Si tu respuesta es s, qu refleja eso sobre tu matrimonio? La confianza es algo que se gana basado en nuestras acciones y las de aquellos con quienes interactuamos; tambin en nuestra habilidad de comunicar y entender los valores que tenemos en comn.Si practicas estar preocupada por cada pequeo detalle en tu relacin, esto se puede convertir en una obsesin que potencialmente daara tu relacin. Si en cambio te enfocas en abrir las lneas de comunicacin, le dejas saber lo que esperas de l y discuten cmo pueden trabajar juntos para recuperar la confianza, pueden volverse ms cercanos y darse la oportunidad de que la relacin crezca."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Imagine your best friend just told you that her husband lied to her all the time and that he had broken every promise he ever made to her. What would you tell her? If I were her best friend I'd tell her to run the other way.You may love this man. We don't choose who we love. But the evidence is pretty clear, isn't it?A healthy relationship cannot be built on a foundation of lies and broken promises. I believe that as adults, we are always treated as well as we insist on being treated by our partners. If you continue to accept unacceptable behavior, you are likely to see lots more of it."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Let's look at your question and break it down. It begins with the word should. As a first reflection, it implies that there is a right and a wrong way to feel, in this case, feel upset. I think I would like to ask you the question in a different way: are you feeling upset? If you are feeling upset or if you are feeling another emotion : insert worried, ambivalent, scared, angry, insecure, confused that is likely reasonable if the relationship has undergone some breaks in trust followed by distance (seperation). The first step is to recognize what you are feeling, and accept it for what it is-- an emotion. A feeling. You are entitled to feel a range of emotions as you are in the process of repairing or rebuilding the marriage. It is what you dowith that feeling that matters-- how you act, how you think, what you say, and the impact the emotion (likely emotions) have onyour relationship and in turn your quality of life that matters. If you want to discuss the impact of your feelings on you or on your marriage, I suggest you consult with a mental health professional with expertise in couple therapy/ relationship issues. I hope you find this information helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "In response to your answer. Yes because he broke a boundary of yours that he knew was important to you. The question that should be asked is are you able to go forward with your husband with his behaviors not changing for the better in regards to your feelings and emotions?"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Is really difficult to tell whether he honestly forgot about someone or whether he was really lying again.I don't know whether he would be open to having a discussion with you about your concerns about this and whether you would be actually willing to listen to your thoughts about it.This might be something to discuss with a local therapist so that you can look at the patterns of lying in the past as well as whether you have a way to discuss this with your husband in the way that you would feel comfortable feeling vulnerable with your own feelings and also listening to what his responses are.This is difficult because I imagine you have a react very quickly and strongly to things like this because of what has happened in the past between you. All of this make sense. Having said that, there is also a question of whether he is telling the truth in this particular case and your reaction is based on past events.There's no easy way to know.If you do decide to have a discussion with your husband about it, consider these things:Ask if this is a good time to have a conversation about something that is important to youMaybe you will be able to listen and ask questions about what came up for him (emotionally) when he realized that he didn't tell you about this other personMaybe he would be willing to listen to what you are thinking about if you are both able to do so without blaming, pointing fingers, or asking the other person to change. This would just be an exchange of information. Ideally this part of the competition would not be about you saying he did something wrong, but just expressing how you felt when you heard about itIt may be helpful to discuss these things with a therapist first so you have some coping skills for being able to listen to him without being overly defensive and also expressing your feelings without blaming, both of which would be very natural in this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "I would ask you first what made you give him another chance after he repeatedly lied and broke every promise to you? I would imagine if he repeatedly lied to you that it will damage your ability to trust him now. Is he in therapy? Does he recognize that he has a problem and is he trying to repair it? Even if he truly forgot to tell you about the woman at work I think the real issue here is TRUST. I am not saying that he doesn't have a lying problem. Instead of asking someone else if you should be upset, ask yourself how you truly feel about him and this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?", "questionText": "Im trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", "answerText": "Are you upset, is the more pertinent question.Everyone has their own tolerance for lies and their unique reasons for being married. Trust your own answers to the question you ask here.Also, think over the value of your marriage in your life and whether you are able to live with the unstable sense of trust that you have in your husband.Remember too, that if you are the only partner who is trying to make the marriage work, then your job is much harder than if your husband actively participated in making the marriage happier for the couple."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle my fiance always telling me how bad of a job I'm doing in making them happy?", "questionText": "My fiance is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just dont care enough when its about her feeling or when she is having an off day.", "answerText": "I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship, but I want to say that you cannot possibly be responsible for anyone else's happiness. If you are interested in a good read on this topic, I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle my fiance always telling me how bad of a job I'm doing in making them happy?", "questionText": "My fiance is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just dont care enough when its about her feeling or when she is having an off day.", "answerText": "One thing you could try is to have a conversation when neither of you is upset so that you learn what makes each of you feel cared for and valued. It could be that you are showing caring in a way that doesn't quite match what she is really looking for in that moment. For example, having an in-depth conversation could be something that you want, but she may just want a hug in that moment.I don't know if you heard of Gary Chapman's book about love languages, but it may be helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is my fianc angry at me about his automobile insurance?", "questionText": "My fianc and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger.", "answerText": "I'd be more worried generally about a fiancee who assumes you are responsible for tracking what in fact are his responsibilities, than about the anger per se.What you describe holds the seeds of classic abusive behavior, which is blaming the partner for what in fact are the person's own responsibilities.Start by withdrawing yourself from paying his bills.If he is on his own in terms of tracking what and when is due regarding his auto policy, then surely the only one for him to blame will be himself.Stay clear of involving yourself in doing favors for him if the favor involves something that he is the one accountable.Tell him it is so the relationship remains fair for each of you."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is my fianc angry at me about his automobile insurance?", "questionText": "My fianc and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger.", "answerText": "A few things come to mind. I wonder if your fianc is still angry about it or if he was angry in that moment and has now worked through it.It sounds like there was also a difference in expectations here. You were just paying the bill with the money he was giving to you and he may have assumed you were reading it. You thought that you were following his directions. It could be that you could have a discussion about it, but that depends on how much of a hot button issue it still is for either of you.If you're going to talk about it, I might suggest asking whether this would be a good time to have a discussion about what happened with the automobile insurance so that you can both use the opportunity to learn more about yourselves and each other around this particular issue."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn?", "questionText": "I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.", "answerText": "The comments here from the other therapists are \"spot on\". As a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist-Candidate I'm convinced your partner's acting out creates trauma for you. Your partner's addiction is NOT your fault and his recovery IS his responsibility. What's paramount is for you to get immediate help from an experienced therapist who understands trauma as result of the partner's/spouse's problematic sexual behaviors. Your needs, safety, and the establishment of reasonable boundaries is vital to your well-being. I wish you the very best.Resources for Your Consideration: 1) https://www.iitap.com/, 2)https://www.sanon.org/, 3)http://www.cosa-recovery.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn?", "questionText": "I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.", "answerText": "There is a lot of information out there right now about how porn is harmful...to a person's brain chemistry, to a relationship and one's ability to love, and to how men see women and sex in general. Your partner demonstrates a clear disregard for your needs. There is evidence, as you suggest, that there is addiction here. I recommend seeing a therapist who can help you sort out where to go from here."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn?", "questionText": "I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.", "answerText": "It sounds like your in quite a rough place, my recommendation just based on what you type might warrant a visit to a psychotherapist to resolve what may be going on, I am not entirely sure but it sounds like he might have a bit of a sex addiction problem. One thing you need to ask yourself is \"Am I happy?\", \"Do I feel loved?\", these are deep questions, but the answers to those questions will give you a direction to travel in."}, {"questionTitle": "What should my boyfriend and I do to cope with his cancer?", "questionText": "We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and sexually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it.", "answerText": "I wonder if both you and your boyfriend could have a conversation about what you both want, wish for, and desire from one another right now. That doesn't necessarily mean that your partner will give everything that you ask for, but this is one of the ways that he can learn more about what would help you through this and you can learn how you could support him, since traditional medical treatment is not something he wants.You may also consider using some open-ended questions (not yes or no answers) to talk about what you're feeling about both about his cancer and about your relationship. Both of you may discuss different ways that you would like support from one another.I would also see if he was comfortable with you disclosing this to one or a few of your close friends (with him considering doing the same) so that you both have support that includes each other and also includes others because there may be days when you both have a negatively emotional day at the same time and would benefit from talking with someone else.It may also be a matter of conversation to discuss what makes you happy together and use those positive moments to help move through more difficult ones."}, {"questionTitle": "What should my boyfriend and I do to cope with his cancer?", "questionText": "We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and sexually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry about this life-altering situation that both you and your boyfriend are going through. To be sure, this is a devastating and lonely road for both of you. I say lonely because when things like this happen we often don't know what to say to each other, and so we suffer in silence with little support.Here are a few thoughts that I am having, and perhaps others will add things, too:1. By the sound of your main question, it seems like you have every intention to be there for your boyfriend during this difficult time. I am not sure if he is willing to talk about his health situation, but letting him know that you want to support him and also need his support may be helpful. 2. If it is possible, see if he would be willing to go to a counselor with you. There are many things that a counselor could focus on that may help your relationship, but also help you both cope with what is happening.3. If he refuses to seek support, you may want to consider going on your own. If you can't afford it, sometimes hospice organizations offer support groups and other services. It is very important not to neglect yourself. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over jealousy?", "questionText": "Im in a relationship with my child's father. Im a really jealous person. We dont go out or do anything with other people because of me. To keep our relationship going, I know I have to stop being jealous, but I cant. How can I get over these issues?", "answerText": "It may be important to look at this as getting through something rather than \"getting over it.\" If you're aware of the reasons why you are jealous, I don't know if they relate to this relationship or a previous one, but you could remind yourself of the differences if your feelings of jealousy relate to something from your past.Also, it may be beneficial to have a conversation with your child's father if you are both open to having a discussion about this in a way that you summarize what each other is saying so you are sure that you are understanding each other, at least to some degree.Also, consider what you may want from your child's father to assist you with this. You cannot make him do anything to support you with this, but you can certainly ask.What is something you could start or stop doing to move you toward your goal?"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my boyfriend insulting my body?", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s, and I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. My boyfriend has always been the sweetest guy until recently. He has made comments such as you would look better as a Tumblr girl\" or \"you should start doing more squats.\" It's really hurtful.", "answerText": "My first thought was that I wondered what changed recently. Is he open to having a discussion about this so you can ask questions such as that one?It's possible that he does not understand the degree to which it hurts you.Try asking if there is a time that would be good to have a discussion that is important. I don't know how well the two of you have communicated over the last year, but if you are concerned about this turning into an argument, you may consider asking him to just listen to your point of view and see if he is able to summarize it correctly. Then you can listen to his side of the concern."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my boyfriend insulting my body?", "questionText": "I'm in my early 20s, and I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. My boyfriend has always been the sweetest guy until recently. He has made comments such as you would look better as a Tumblr girl\" or \"you should start doing more squats.\" It's really hurtful.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that you are experiencing this. To be honest, this kind of behavior is really emotionally abusive, and you likely know that already. The unfortunate truth is, there is very little we canactuallydo to change another adult's behavior if they are not interested in changing it. Many people who behave in this way actually feel justified in saying what they say, or even believe that they are \"helping\" in some way by telling you how to improve yourself. What is actually going on is an attempt to control or change something about you by being coercive and abusive. It is important to know that this kind of behavior doesn't necessarily show up right away. That is why I am not surprised that you are a year in to this relationship and are just now noticing these behaviors. Some people actually don't see them until they are already married! You didn't mention that there has been any physical abuse, but I would warn you that this is sometimes a possibility once a person has already begun to be emotionally abusive. Other things to watch out for is your boyfriend trying to control who you hang out with, what you do and how you dress, etc. These are just more examples of emotional abuse and control. Here are some things to consider and some ideas:1. You could talk to your boyfriend about this behavior, if you believe it is safe to do so. Perhaps he will recognize that his behavior is not okay, and change. If not, then you may need to decide what you want to do about this relationship, given the fact that you cannot force him to change. 2. You can call a local domestic violence program. They do not only work with people who have been physically abusedor have been married. They are trained to talk about emotional abuse, also. It may be a good thing for support. Your calls are confidential. 3. Check out the wheel in the link below. On it you will find some other common ways that abuse can happen in a relationship. If any of these are happening to you, or begin to happen, talking to a domestic violence program, a trusted friend or family member, ora counselor would be a good idea.http://www.domesticviolence-wilm.org/Portals/97/Images/violence_wheel.gif Be well.... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I talk to my girlfriend about my anxiety from her exes?", "questionText": "My girlfriend remains friends with ex boyfriends/lovers on Facebook who actively like and comment on posts. It causes me to get jealous because I'm afraid they might reconnect somehow. I've attempted to talk to her about it, but she avoids it and doesn't seem to worry about how I feel about it.", "answerText": "Talking about it would probably be helpful if you're both in a place where you can decide when is best to talk about something that is important. It may also be helpful to ask if you could talk for two or three minutes to make a point and then have space for her to talk for the same amount of time. You can adjust the timing for what works for both of you. After one of you is talking, perhaps you could restate what you have heard the person say. This can lessen confusion.I know you say that she avoids it. It might be a good place to start talking about it to see what makes her avoid it. It could be that she thinks any discussion about them is going to lead to an argument or you saying that she can't talk to them. I don't know how you typically react when you are jealous, but if you can discuss talking about this in a way that you are both open to hearing what the other person is experiencing, that may be helpful as well."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always think my girl is cheating on me?", "questionText": "She works with a man and always looks at guys that check her out.", "answerText": "I wonder if you are having some of these thoughts related to something that has neither happened directly to you in your past or to someone that you care about. This can often change the way that we look at different situations. Try to look at what feelings, for you when you notice that someone is \"checking her out,\" and perhaps when you have felt these feelings before.If you trust your girl enough to have an open conversation, perhaps you could ask her whether she is willing to talk about something that is important to you. Then you could talk about feelings that you're having."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fall back in love with my wife?", "questionText": "My wife works late most days, so I'm lonely. I love my wife with all my heart, however I don't feel the intimacy we used to have. We don't have sex anymore, which bothers me tremendously. I have become close friends with a coworker, which I know is not helping. Nothing will happen with that, but theres the thought.", "answerText": "First things first! Friendships that develop in times of struggle may be a great emotional support, but also become confusing there's sexual attraction. And entertaining a tough is only going to make it a stronger target. Careful with that friendship! You do not want to fill your marriage's void with another person. Even when you are in a friend zone and not having intimacy with this person, you may be developing a special bond, sharing interest and activities that may lead to a deeper connection. Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse was having a friendshiplike that.Then try to refocus on your marriage. I suggest being transparent and talking to your wife about your feelings and concerns. Ask her what you could do to reconnect, make some suggestions and dedicate time to practice them. Make time in both of your schedules, make an effort to have lunch together, or to text during the day. Remember that a marriage is like a very good friendship with benefits, but sometimes the responsibility kills the fun.Cmo puedo volver a enamorarme de mi esposa?Mi esposa trabaja tarde casi todos los das, la amo con todo mi corazn, pero no siento la intimidad como antes. Ya no tenemos sexo, lo cual me molesta tremendamente. Me he acercado a una amistad del trabajo, lo cual no ayuda. Nada pasara, pero hay pensamientos al respecto.Primero lo primero! Las amistades que se desarrollan en momentos de crisis pueden ser un gran apoyo emocional, pero tambin pueden convertirse en algo nebuloso cuando hay atraccin sexual. Entretener pensamientos al respecto solo lo va a hacer un reto ms grande. Ten cuidado con esa amistad! No quieres llenar el vaco que deja tu matrimonio con esta nueva persona. Aunque no ests teniendo intimidad con esa persona, puedes estar creando una conexin especial, compartiendo intereses en comn y actividades que los unen ms aun. Pregntate como te sentiras si tu esposa tuviera una amistad as.Intenta reenfocarte en tu matrimonio. Sugiero que seas transparente con tu esposa y le dejes saber tu preocupacin y como te sientes con el distanciamiento. Pregntale que le gustara hacer para reconectarse, sugirele algunas ideas y dediquen tiempo a las mismas. Hagan tiempo en sus agendas para ustedes, hagan un esfuerzo para almorzar juntos, y comunicarse durante el da, aunque sea con textos. Recuerda que el matrimonio es como una muy buena amistad con beneficios y muchas veces las responsabilidades matan la diversin."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with a man who only contributes financially?", "questionText": "My boyfriend of eight years and father of our two children is a truck driver. He is never home and only contributes to our family financially. There is no other support given. He comes home when able, sleeps, gives money, and leaves again. I can't get him to do anything with me or the kids. He just sleeps and works.", "answerText": "After eight years and two childrens, people change. I suggest to talk to him about how you feel, let him know that although he is gone for a long time, his presence as a husband and father are required and important. Ask him if he will be willing to engage again and how he would like to do so. Many times when the dads are away, moms design a perfect routine and they feel like they will disturb it. Make alone time and family time for him, so you can reconnect as a couple and then as a family.Cmo trabajo con un esposo que solo contribuye econmicamente?Mi novio de ocho amos y padre de mis dos hijos es camionero. El nunca est en casa y solo contribuye financieramente. No provee apoyo en ninguna otra forma. El viene a casa cuando puede, duerme, provee dinero y se va otra vez. No puedo lograr que haga nada conmigo y los nios. Solo duerme y trabaja.Despus de ocho aos y dos hijos las personas cambian. Te sugiero que hables con tu pareja sobre cmo te dientes, djale saber que aunque el esta fuera la mayora del tiempo, su presencia como pareja y padre es requerida e importante. Pregntale si el est dispuesto a comprometerse ser parte activa de la familia y como lo hara. Muchas veces cuando los paps estn afuera las mams desarrollan rutinas que luego ellos no quieren interrumpir. Crea tiempo a solas para dedicarle a el para que puedan reconectar como pareja y luego como familia."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop feeling jealous in my relationship?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year. I suddenly find myself jealous when I see him talking to other girls. I have never been this way before. I don't like these feelings. He said that my jealousy would cause our relationship to have problems. I told him I can't help these feelings. I don't know where they are coming from, but this is how I feel, I tried to stop, but I can't. I really like this guy, but I'm afraid that I'm messing up the relationship. It's just stupid.", "answerText": "Trust is at the top of what makes a healthy relationship. It sounds like you may benefit from personal counseling to explore where this jealousy comes from and what keeps you from having complete trust in your boyfriend. This is not stupid, this is your mind telling you that there is something that needs to be worked through. Sometimes we need to talk to someone like a counselor who is disconnected from our life to understand our feelings and what they mean in our relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend wants to know every details of my sex life", "questionText": "We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?", "answerText": "Not in my book. You're only two months in? At this early stage, this is a bit of a warning sign. If he can't accept or feel comfortable with who you are and decisions you've made, there's already a level of discomfort here that shouldn't be ignored. No, he doesn't have the right to penalize you or punish you ...not just for past things...not for anything. What he does get to do it tell you how it affects him. Sure...if he feels uncomfortable or needs reassurance...listen to those things. But If he doesn't dig who you are, maybe he can walk the other way."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend wants to know every details of my sex life", "questionText": "We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?", "answerText": "How is he penalizing you?Have you asked for his reasons for wanting to know about your heavy past?His answers may be very different than that he would like penalizing you.What you can do is explain how pressured you feel by his questions.Ideally, the two of you will become much closer by talking openly about your respective discomforts and wishes from the other."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband said he loves me but is not in love with me", "questionText": "My husband and I are in our 40s. Weve been married 17 years. Three weeks ago, he said he loves me but is not in love with me. He was going to leave me, but he said he thought about it and decided to stay. I don't know how to feel any more. How should I take what he said and not feel so hurt? He has been very blunt, and hurtful words just come out of his mouth. He makes me feel like I'm nothing, but I so dearly love him with everything in me. He said it wasnt a mid-life crisis.", "answerText": "I get it. Your husband tells you that he's not in love with you, but oops, he's changed his mind and will tolerate you for a while longer? Excuse me? My Dear, it's okay if you expect more than that from a marriage. Maybe the question has shifted from whether he is happy in the marriage to whether you are happy in the marriage. You say you love this man, who makes you \"feel like nothing\". I say it might be time to sit down with an individual therapist and look objectively at your marriage and whether it's working for you."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife won't do things she used to do", "questionText": "There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.", "answerText": "I'd say you're letting fear get a hold on you! You would really enjoy some sexual activities that your wife hasn't initiated in a long while, but it's a big leap to go from that to \"I married the wrong person\". Fear is telling you that she doesn't respect or like or want you? Look at the bigger picture. What is the evidence that your wife wants to please you?...that she is the \"right\" woman for you?...that she loves you?...that she cares about what's important to you? If there is evidence there, then you owe it to the marriage to rein in your fearful thoughts.Talking to your wife is so important right now. We all have moments when we really just want to sit and stew in our self pity over our partner not vacuuming or cooking or saying loving things often enough...but they can't read our minds! Can you lovingly let her know what you miss? ...what you hope for?...what you need? This is the meat of a loving relationship. Sharing who we are, so that we can love each other better.Your wife deserves the benefit of the doubt that she'll listen to what you long for. Can you risk feeling vulnerable? You can't control her answer, but can you trust her to care?"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong to cheat on my husband?", "questionText": "We don't have sex a lot. I cheat when we argue. I don't kiss or have unprotected sex with them. It's a one time thing, and I never see them twice.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. The question about whether or not to cheat is based on personal values that can only be answered by you. However, here are a few things to consider and questions to ask yourself to help you find your answer: 1. Do you feel like you are violating your own values or morals? This is important, because we all have different values and morals surrounding sex, love, and monogamy. If you value monogamous relationships and find yourself cheating on your partner, then you may feel like you are living in contradiction to your values, and most people are not happy when they do that. However, if monogamy is not something you value, then perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the relationship and determine if it is still right for you. Not all people want monogamous relationships, and that is alright. Finally,if you value your husbands feelings and know that the affairs would hurt him, then your behaviors may again be in contrast to your own values. That can only be determined by you. 2.Based on how you describe your relationship, it sounds like you are not very satisfied with the way it is. From the outside, it looks like the affairs are a way to get even with your husband or to feel better after an argument. This is something that can happen when mutual respect starts to fade in a relationship and gets replaced with contempt. We can simply stop caring about how our actions hurt each other, or potentially hurt each other. Perhaps the question to ask here is, when you look out toward the future with your husband, is this the pattern that you want to keep? The pattern of very little sex, argument, and then satisfying the pain or dissatisfaction with affairs. 3.What are your goals for this relationship? If we start to become disconnected in a relationship, we can begin to do things on autopilot. Get up, get the kids up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. None of which requires any intimacy at all. Are you still able to see the hopes and dreams you once had for this relationship? 4. Have you considered seeking marital counseling? Not having affairs wont actually fix the part of the relationship that is leading you to have them. If there is something broken, it sometimes requires some help to get it fixed. Hopefully these questions and thoughts will help you come to some kind of conclusion about what is right for you and your relationship. I certainly wish you well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "I am afraid of sex", "questionText": "I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.", "answerText": "These fears are completely normal. Almost everyone has the same fears you do, to some degree, especially if they lack experience. Men also feel far more of these fears than you realize. That can help...to remember that we're all a little scared and looking for safety and approval.You mention a partner, but I'm not sure if you currently have one. Having a partner you can trust with your fears and who you feel safe with is so important. When you're really confident someone cares deeply for you, this can help the fears to go away or diminish.How well do you know your own body? Getting to know how you like to be touched and how different touches feel...getting acquainted with your body yourself first...this can help build sexual confidence.In general, our partners care less about our fat and wrinkles than they care about how we make them feel in bed. Being a generous lover who is confident enough to put fear aside...ironically this is what makes you \"good in bed\". But be patient with yourself. Your confidence will grow with experience, and that doesn't have to happen until you are ready. There's not rush. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I am afraid of sex", "questionText": "I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.", "answerText": "As hard as it may be to do this, since all the media and marketing of how an ideal person looks and performs sexually, surrounds us, keep in mind that the images presented in order to sell movies and almost any product, is meant to trigger fantasies.No one is a fantasy, we are all real and unique. We can be influenced to believe that being a fantasy is better than being who each of us is, genuinely.Your partner may be much more accepting of your body and your level of sexual experience, than you are of yourself!Sex within a relationship means the two people want to have with the other one, not because they have ideal bodies and expertise, but because the person wants to make love to the one whom they love.When you are in a loving relationship, part of this includes talking about sensitivities and insecurities. Having a conversation gives the chance to know that you are accepted for who you are, not how closely you resemble a made up idea meant to persuade people to buy items."}, {"questionTitle": "I am afraid of sex", "questionText": "I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.", "answerText": "The greatest sex experience will be with someone who you feel connected to outside the bed. This is something that you should feel comfortable in talking with your partner about. The relationship needs to be strong before moving to the bed anyways. If the love is there, he will understand your fears and make you feel comfortable making it a great experience."}, {"questionTitle": "I cheated on my partner, and I don't know how to feel", "questionText": "I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.", "answerText": "I don't think there's anything that you're supposed to feel. Some people feel tremendously guilty when they cheat, and others not at all. It could be that your partner doesn't know about the cheating and you haven't had to face his/her emotions and reactions. When something we do is hidden...a secret...it's easier to avoid feeling guilty. I wonder if you're avoiding your own emotions. But let's put that question aside for now. There are better questions.What do you want? Do you want your marriage? If not, this may be why you don't feel guilty.Do you want to be able to sleep with your friend? It's unlikely that both are possible (keeping the marriage and the affair). Yes, you get to do whatever you want with your body...and...there may be consequences. Affairs almost always get discovered.Who do you want to be? What kind of partner do you want to be? What might your partner feel if they knew? How might you feel then? Would you care? Has something happened that's affected how much you care about your partner?I suggest that these other questions might be a place to start. Exploring it with a therapist is something to consider maybe. I wish you the best as you sort it out. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I cheated on my partner, and I don't know how to feel", "questionText": "I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.", "answerText": "My questions to you would be: Why did you get married? Would it bother you if your spouse did the same to you?"}, {"questionTitle": "I cheated on my partner, and I don't know how to feel", "questionText": "I am married, but I had sex with my friend. I feel guilty, but I feel not guilty too. Do I need to feel guilty? It's my body, and I have full rights to do what I like.", "answerText": "Yes, of course, it's your body and you can do what you feel like doing.Do you feel a commitment to your partner?Your guilt probably is pointing out the feeling of having done with your body what your spirit tells you is a violation of the commitment you feel toward your partner.The good news is that this is a moment for you to examine how strong your commitment is to your partner.Find balance between satisfying your freedom to do as you please, with your sense of being a partner, which means prioritizing the partner once in a while."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my trust issues are going to end my relationship early", "questionText": "As I was growing up, my mother and father always fought. With that, I grew trust issues. I think it's going to affect my relationship now and end it sooner then I want to. I try not to let it affect me, but I cant.", "answerText": "If you thing your trust issues are going to end or affect your relationship it will because you are being baggage from your parents into this relationship. Don't allow their problems to become your problem. You didn't mention that your partner in your present relationship have done anything to make you not trust them. Like in the court of law, if no evidence....find not guilty.Don't make them pay the consequences as if guilty of your parents unhealthy behavior."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stay when the spark is gone?", "questionText": "We had our first kid 15 years ago, and sex has been nonexistent ever since. It only happens every three or four months. We have been to counseling, and I have been told over and over again she will come around. She hasn't, and I'm intimately lonely! I think it's time to move on, but how do I do that without hurting my kids?", "answerText": "Hi Pocahontas, This is a painful situation. When you're in a relationship, you assume that you will continue to receive warmth and affection. When it dries up, it's a very lonely place. It's possible that there is an unaddressed issue in the relationship. It's also possible that your partner has hormonal issues, pain issues, sexual dysfunction or is asexual.There is no one answer here. Only you can decide what is right for you. But let me ask some questions to help you explore next steps:Aside from the sex, is your wife loving and supportive? What are the other ways in which you feel loved? Does your wife talk to you? Does she communicate her needs and desires? Does she articulate what gets in the way of having sex? If your wife is generally a loving, open partner, you use this to see that her behaviours aren't personal. Whether she resolves this or not, it can help you to cope with the rejection. This is your wife's issue, and the \"ball\" is in her court.In my opinion, if couple's therapy hasn't helped, it's time for your wife to own whatever is blocking her and address it with her physician and therapist. Let her be in charge of the sex for a while, to take the pressure off, and she can have the time to figure out what gets in the way of having regular sexual intimacy in your relationship. If you think of this as \"my wife is in crisis and needs support in figuring this out\", it can help you manage your own emotions.Pressure to have sex might push her further away. Did the couple therapist help you to see the dynamic in your relationship? Has your partner identified something she feels she is lacking in the relationship? One good way to make sure you \"get\" is to \"give\" (and I mean give what she wants, not sex).It's appropriate to say to her now \"I cannot live in a relationship with so little intimacy. I need for you to be honest with me about what you want for us sexually. If this is all you want, I'm not sure I can do it. If you want us to be more sexual, I need you to address what gets in the way for you.\" Give her some time, help her in any way you can, and then see where you are. See if she does seek help to address an issue that is hers.Then...you have a decision to make. I encourage you to make it looking at the big picture, not just the sex."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know if I should end my relationship or try and stick through it", "questionText": "I have been dating a guy for two years. I think I love him, but I don't know any more. I am in my late teens, and I have been living with him for most of our relationship. I have been talking to a guy friend, and I feel more loved by him than my boyfriend.", "answerText": "Hi Michigan, Relationships are so sparkly for a few years, and then things start to feel different. Most of the time, this is simply because we've pulled back from all the attachment-forming behaviours we did at the beginning. We stop talking a lot, because we have less to discover...we do less for each other and buy fewer gifts...spend less time together...all because we have already formed the love and attachment and we don't need to \"fill the gas tank\" as much. So, just because it feels different doesn't mean it's \"gone bad\".Having said that, it seems as though you are missing something in this relationship that you need; you don't feel loved enough right now. Can you tell him? Have you told him? The strength of your relationship is more clear when people know what the expectations are. Let him know what you need, and see if he gets it.You have choices to make and there is no wrong choice. You certainly have the right to say \"this isn't feeling great anymore\", or \"I want to explore other relationships\", and walk away. But often it's worth it to see how good something can be before you bail.You're drawn to someone else, and this is up to you to decide how this fits with your expectations of yourself in a relationship. Your interest in this other guy is sparkly and new. Your boyfriend can't compete with that if he doesn't know you're unhappy.For some people, being drawn to someone else is a sign they're not into their partner. For others, it's a danger alert, and it makes them want to improve their current relationship. Which one are you?"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend says he doesn't like to do things with me because we fight too much", "questionText": "He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.", "answerText": "Congrats on the birth of your son!Your situation sounds painful, lonely, and isolating.And, these features are eating away at your self-confidence.Start by believing in yourself. The feelings and ideas you describe here would only be arising from within you because they are at the very least, partly true.Ask your boyfriend if he is willing to listen and understand your point of view. If he does, then hopefully the two of you will more easily talk with one another about the truth of feeling overwhelmed by the quick pace of your courtship and becoming a family.If these discussions continuously include him blaming you for having your own feelings and expecting him to more actively be a part of your and your son's life, then you'll need to start valuing your feelings and what is best for you and your son, by yourself.I send you lots of good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend says he doesn't like to do things with me because we fight too much", "questionText": "He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.", "answerText": "Hi Oklahoma, Listen to him when he says this is how he is. Your boyfriend's behaviours are about him; not you. At the start of a relationship it's easy to be loving and attentive; but it takes years to really get to know someone deeply. With time, people reveal who they are.For some reason, he is giving himself permission to detach from you and your son. This could be for several reasons; he may be avoiding intimacy and connection, he may be avoiding commitment, he may fear he isn't enough, or (and there is evidence of this one) he may have misogynist attitudes about male privilege that interfere with his ability to be the kind of supportive and respectful partner that you need.It seems that you've addressed this problem with him and told him what you need. Good for you. His response seems dismissive though, and this isn't a good sign. Any problem can be worked through if you have two people who care about, respect and listen to each other. It seems this basic foundation is missing here.I suggest a therapist might be able to help you sort out where to go from here. I wish you the best. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is always accusing me of not loving him", "questionText": "I love him so much, and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Does he tell you a reason as to why he feels you don't love him?Ask him this so you will clearly know his definition of \"love\"."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is always accusing me of not loving him", "questionText": "I love him so much, and I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Hi Savannah, This is a pretty common issue; one person feels that they are doing a great job of being loving, yet their partner doesn't feel loved. There's a great book \"The Five Love Languages\" by Gary Chapman. He explains that there are five main ways to give and receive love, but we don't necessarily all speak the same \"love language\" as our partner. You might feel that by going out to work and earn money, you're being loving, but if your partner's main love language is quality time, you're not hitting that bulls eye because you're not home! The five languages are words, quality time, acts of service, gifts and touch. I recommend couples grab this book, sit down and figure out what their love languages are, and then...slowly...you start to ask for the kind of love you want, and you start to speak your partner's language a bit better. You may never be fluent, but you can get better. The most important part is to understand each other better and to know that there's nothing wrong with either of you, you're just speaking different languages. You can help your boyfriend to get really specific about how he wants to be loved. I bet he just needs you to \"speak his language\". :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my fianc to notice me again?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying \"whatever\" and \"leave me alone.\" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.", "answerText": "Hello, It doesn't feel good when it seems that your partner no longer cares or cares less for you, especially if your feelings have not changed. It can be scary, frustrating, and lonely. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I would suggest to start there. There may be several reasons for his actions, some of which may have nothing to do with how he feels for you.Learning about what is going on for him will likely answer your questions and, depending on his response, maycause some relief. Wheninitiating conversations about subjects that are sensitive, there are a few things that you want to remember.Tell him how you are feeling and what you are experiencing, rather than blaming him or telling him what he is doing wrong. Avoidusing extreme, black and white language (i.e. always and never).For example, you may say something such as, \"I feel confused that we are rarely intimate and I'm wondering if you've also noticed this change\" versus \"You are never intimate with me anymore.\"Don't be afraid to ask him questions. You deserve to know what is going on, as his behavior is effecting your well being. I like to ask open-ended questions instead of yes and no questions. It allows formore clarity and deeperexplanation. Lastly,ask yourself (and possibly him) what part you play in the recent changes. Does he feel that you've been distant? Does he need something from you? Let him know that you are willing to work things out as a team. If communication attempts fail, seeing a couple's therapist can be a great benefit. Having an objective party to coach you through this difficut time can give you the support that will create lasting changes in your relationship.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my fianc to notice me again?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying \"whatever\" and \"leave me alone.\" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.", "answerText": "Your situation sounds a little painful.Have you brought up any of these topics for discussion with your fianc?Now is a good time for finding out if and how your future husband is interested and addresses the way you are feeling.Until the two of you open up what bothers you, all you or anyone who talks to you about the situation, can do is take guesses as to what is driving your finance's behaviors.Also, in the moment of when your fianc texts you words you find surprising or startling, you can tell him this. Maybe by being clear and truthful about how what he writes affects you, then next time he will change what he tells you.And if he doesn't, then you know that you explained yourself, he had this information about you and that , he isn't that willing to consider what you told him.Really, the best first step is to open up all the topics you wrote about here, with him. This way you'll give each of you to discuss how to care about one another in a meaningful way."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my fianc to notice me again?", "questionText": "My fianc and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying \"whatever\" and \"leave me alone.\" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.", "answerText": "Hi Rockford, While no relationship is \"perfect\", and it's natural for the passionate beginnings of a relationship to lessen with time, because we have established the trust and love needed as a foundation and we don't have to smother each other with attention anymore, your situation sounds like something different.\"He has no time for me\"... yet you don't fight. Hmmm...Is it that you don't fight because you don't bring up what's bothering you? Are you avoiding conflict? Many people do. What do you fear would happen if you let him know how you feel about his recent pulling away? As an engaged couple, now is a really good time to see what happens when you bring a concern to your fiance. Better to find out now what happens when you rock the boat by being real. Or maybe you have spoken to him about it. If so, what happens? Does he listen and help you understand him better? Or does he avoid and reassure you...or maybe dismiss you? This is really important data to gather about how your fiance handles conflict and how you work together.He says \"leave me alone\". That's a pretty bold statement about what he wants. He doesn't seem to have the same idea that you do about what marriage is, and how close you want to be. Plus, I have to say, those words sound more like what a closed-off fourteen year old would say to a parent than a loving fiance to his bride to be!Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that your fiance is scared about getting married and this is a temporary reaction that will change. But if this is true, he needs to tell you that so you can understand.So, I suggest that the fact that when you're together you're \"okay\" is perhaps not the best barometer for how you're doing as a couple. Listen to your gut. I encourage you to be really open with your fiance about what your feelings and fears are. This may get rockier before it gets better, but until you face what's not working, you won't know who you truly are as a couple. When you're engaged, it's a really cool time to see a therapist too...to get some conflict resolution skills down before you're a married couple."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you get over someone cheating on you when you are trying to make it work?", "questionText": "My boyfriend of five years told me he cheated on me during our relationship after we broke up. We've since gotten back together and are trying to make it work. I don't know how to trust him now, but I really want to make it work, and it seems like he does too. But my trust issues are getting in the way and causing problems.", "answerText": "Hi Michigan,This is a common issue. How do you trust after you know someone is capable of hurting you? I totally get that it's hard, and I believe it's worth it if you truly love and want to be with someone. You can be stronger in the scarred places.I would suggest that you each have a separate job to do to rebuild this trust. It is definitely possible to rebuild it, because anything is possible if both people want it enough.Your boyfriend came clean to you...this is pretty crucial. He chose to honour your needs rather than keep the secret. You can use that as evidence in your \"proof that he loves me\" file. Work on that file...thicken it up. Having a thick \"he does care about me and wouldn't hurt me again\" file will help you.Other things that he can do to help you thicken that file (because after all, his behaviours caused this problem): answer all your questions, don't brush you off if you're feeling insecure, treat you as though you're a priority, avoid questionable contact with other women, have open communication, give you passwords to devices so there is transparency. He can help you to understand where those behaviours came from...why he cheated in the first places (although people aren't always good with those 'why' questions!)You can focus on telling yourself that people change, that he deserves a chance to show you he can be loyal (or at least you've decided to give him that chance), and that you want to be a trusting person. If you act like a trusting person, you will likely feel more like one. Don't go snooping, don't interrogate him. It's normal you might feel scared and try to tell him that when you do. Let him know what happens that leads to you feeling scared.This is a start for you. A good therapist can be helpful too!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong that I'm married and I have a best friend that's like a sister to me?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Although we all want (or wish) that our partner is also our best friend, in reality this doesn't always happen. There may be issues, of course and there are many things to consider there, such as \"why do we need\" another person to confide in, or are we actually attracted to this \"best friend\" but because we know we can't have them we put this thought behind etc. etc. Is this friend and old friend, an old flame or a new acquired friend; the latter is complicated and probably the most questionable, in my view. So, many things to think about and there is no one answer fits all."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I a lesbian because I love a girl?", "questionText": "Im in love with my friend who is also a girl. I fell in love with her in a few months. That was my first love. We used to talk for the whole day and night over the phone and on Facebook. I thought she had the same feelings for me, but I was wrong. I always wanted to touch her warmly and stay with her all my life. But all my dreams get broken apart after she got into a relationship with a guy. Ive tried to be in relationship with guys, but I cant be in love with them.", "answerText": "It all depends how old you are and what a particular situation is. You may be feeling very close to this friend and mistake that feeling for sexual feeling, or the feelings may be real. This is something you will find out for yourself, however, it definitely doesn't mean that you are a lesbian just because you have those feelings for this particular person. Time will tell, but if you need to discuss this, you could see your school councelor (if you are at school/university) or find a LGBT group with meetings and discuss this with them. I hope this is helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong to be antisocial around people?", "questionText": "I've been getting told lately by my partner that its embarrassing that I'm so antisocial around his family and friends. I believe it's because I'm not as social as him.", "answerText": "Hi Buffalo, I think you're right; your partner's reactions are about him. I have to say it's a cruel thing to say to someone you love...that you're \"embarrassed by them\". The subtext says \"You're not good enough\", and I love that you can reject that false message.You don't have to be different for anyone. If he can't accept you for who you are, what is he doing with you? Your social habits (unless they are extreme...like you refuse to go anywhere) aren't a reflection on him; it's just you being you. Also, and I'm sure you've found this...the more he judges you, the more difficult it is for you to be the confident, outgoing person he wants you to be...so his method of trying to change you doesn't even work!I think that's the crux...he's trying to change you. What does that make you want to do?"}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do if I think my partner is cheating?", "questionText": "How can I know if I'm just being paranoid?", "answerText": "Hi Texas,Oh, that's a powerful idea, isn't it? It burrows into your head. Let's figure this out. First, has your partner given you any concrete reason not to trust them? Have they cheated before? If not, then they deserve the benefit of the doubt until there is evidence. If it's a \"yes\", then it's natural that these fears would be triggered and you can simply let your partner know what triggers the fear and what you need. \"When you refuse to let me see your phone I worry that you're hiding something. I need openness\". If they haven't cheated on you in the past, there are three possible scenarios here. I invite you to take a moment and write down what the evidence is that cheating is going on. What is the specific thing that's triggering your fears? When you have your data recorded, read on...The first scenario is that you have been personally hurt in the past by someone else and you've developed fears that you will be hurt again or that you're not enough to keep someone interested (this is just fear...people cheat for their own reasons, not because we're not interesting). This may be true if what you wrote down is \"They didn't really do anything wrong...there is no evidence. I'm just scared and suspicious\". That's a cue to do some self reflection and calm yourself with thoughts like \"nothing has really happened. I can trust.\"If what you wrote down was vague evidence, like for example your partner has been distant or irritable, or you're having less sex than usual, you can try to approach the situation without making assumptions. Trust your gut, but your gut isn't seeing evidence of cheating...it's evidence of \"something\". Ask your partner what's up with accusations or assumptions.The third possibility is that there is some clear evidence that they are cheating. Maybe there are texts on a phone, or someone has told you something they saw. I'd say when there is some evidence, it's okay to present this to your partner and ask what's going on. If this happens repeatedly, and your gut is screaming and there are only excuses or explanations that don't make sense, then it's okay to do a bit of \"research\" and be extra aware of what's going on around you.I hope that helps."}, {"questionTitle": "My partner is bored of being intimate with me", "questionText": "My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the \"same person\" feeling, but how can he get over this?", "answerText": "I wonder how long \"anymore\" will be for your boyfriend.Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the sex, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having sex with his partner to whom he is committed.What are your own views on the meaning of sex in a relationship?Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get over the man I had an affair with?", "questionText": "We got into arguments, and we would break if off but start it back up again. We clicked, or so I thought. We are both married with problems in our marriage. We never have sex; we just send a lot of pictures back and forth and talk about doing things together. His wife found out, and he lied to her and didn't even refer to it as an affair. I can't stop thinking about him. We just click. I've been married for 16 years, and I've never liked anyone other than my husband. Now I like him, and well never be together.", "answerText": "If you will \"never be together\" and in order to maintain this affair you need to deceive both of your spouses it seems unlikely that maintaining the affair will bring anything but heartbreak for everyone involved. There is obviously something that you are getting from this that you are not getting in your marriage. Maybe this is a cue that there is work to do on your marriage to try to make it more fulfilling and if that is not possible, then maybe you want something else for your life. If you and your husband are willing, I would encourage you to do some therapy or counselling together. You may enjoy this article to learn a little more about some factors that lead to connection or disconnection and that predict separation and divorce."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over the past in my relationship?", "questionText": "My boyfriend of five months expresses how much he cares for me and loves me, and I believe it. It has been one of the best relationships I have been in for a short period of time, but he has lied to me so much. Hell tell me that he'll stop lying, and while hes saying that, he's hiding something or lying about something. First, it was about a girl. He hid text messages and claimed she was a friend and it was a friendly conversation when it was a girl he once found interest in. Next was his ex-girlfriend. He put a fake contact name, and it was just friendly, but he lied to my face. All the time, he claims he never cheated and still expresses his love the same way and that he wants to change and do better.", "answerText": "New York, New York...it's not your boyfriend's lying that concerns me the most; it's the lies you tell yourself. Verbal expressions are easy, but it's walking the walk that's more important in the end. When someone shows you what they're capable of, you can believe them. He's capable of being manipulative and deceitful, and he even lies as he's telling you he'll stop lying.What you're doing is called denial; when you see evidence of something but you choose not to believe the evidence. He might love you with his heart, but love, in the end, is a verb and is based on respectful, loving behaviours.My wish is that you start by believing in what you deserve."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend wants me to sign a contract of things not to do", "questionText": "I was texting a guy who wasn't my boyfriend, and my boyfriend found out. We work together, so he went to work and told everyone I was cheating on him. I moved out of the house. There have been previous problems, and I feel like I'm usually the issue here. In order for us to move on, he wants me to sign this contract that he wrote out listing things he doesn't want me to do anymore. I'm wondering if this a healthy relationship to save or if I should walk away.", "answerText": "Hi Dallas,While I think it's healthy for both members of a couple to have things that they need from each other and to talk about that, your situation sounds one-sided and rigid. Will you have a list too? There are elements of control here: humiliating you in front of coworkers, saying you have to sign the contract before you can move forward...does he decide when you move in and out? Your passive aggressive communications with the other man and your difficulty in knowing what direction you want also hint that maybe you don't have a voice in this relationship. Do you have a voice? If you are uncomfortable with the contract, are you listening to your own voice? If you can't hear your own voice, maybe it's time to sit down with a therapist and strengthen yourself so you can at least know what you feel and want.No relationship is all good or all bad (wouldn't that make it easy?) Relationships don't come with billboards that tell us what to do. They don't come with crystal balls that tell us what will happen (except that past behaviour is a good predictor). You have everything you need in order to make the best decision for you right now, except clarity, and his control may be what is making things muddy for you. You're too busy blaming yourself to see the situation clearly. A therapist can help you stop blaming yourself and see what your situation is."}, {"questionTitle": "I found my boyfriend talking to his ex-girlfriend", "questionText": "About a month ago, I went through my boyfriends phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our sons room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.", "answerText": "Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fix my marriage?", "questionText": "I have been married for 20 years. He and I both cheated. I hid my cheating for 14 years. Over that time, I let life stress me out. I became depressed. When I finally woke up, he felt I had pushed him out.", "answerText": "Do you both want to fix the marriage?The relationship belongs to both of you so that one working without the other cooperating in this work too, will have one person who does all the changing.This dynamic itself creates problems of its own.About your husband telling you he feels pushed out, did he do anything on his own to address his problem of feeling like this?All you state is that he blames you for creating a situation he didn't like.If he did nothing because he felt unsure what to do, anything which shows he understands he has as vital a part in the marriage as you, is ok.Because affairs create mistrust between two people, the two of you would also need to be very aware to regain each other's trust.Talking as much as possible so you both know what goes on in the life of the other, how you each are feeling, what matters to you, is helpful to grow a new foundation for your marriage's future."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I like pets?", "questionText": "My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous.", "answerText": "Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position.What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you?If you don't already know his answer, then find out. Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you. Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does? Does he care about your views? Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so?Please don't be mean to the cat. Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care.There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend.Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats!Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "Should my wife and I seek any kind of counseling if she is convinced our marriage is over and has turned romantic love into platonic love?", "questionText": "Over the course of a few days, my wife was unsure about her feelings for me due to constant intimacy issues. After she thought things through, she came to the realization that she is no longer \"in love\" or attracted romantically to me. She instead has more of a platonic love and just cares for me as just \"family.\" At that point, she said our marriage was over. Now over the course of the last few days, she has taken a \"friendship\" from a coworker. She insists there is nothing more than friends, but she has spent all her free time with him.", "answerText": "Hi Portland,This must feel like your world is turned upside down, for your wife to declare her confusion, followed closely by resignation, followed closely by a new \"friend\". I get how upsetting this is.If I was your therapist, I'd want to explore this a good deal, because there are several possibilities concerning what might be happening. Be careful not to jump to conclusions.Sometimes people have been slowly \"falling out of love\" for a long time, and often this is due to some (perhaps unnamed) unmet need in the marriage. She may have been coming to this point over a period of time, and has only finally said so.It's also possible that your wife is going through some temporary crisis...she's changing and personally unhappy and blaming the marriage for it. Only she can help herself through this (she could get the help of a therapist, but it's not your place to tell her to do this).Or, it's possible she's met this new \"friend\" and her attachment to him has clouded her view, or clarified something for her. Right now, it's important that you respect your wife's decision to separate, if she's asking for that. We can't trap people in a marriage. If she needs separation, or distance, then it's respectful to give her that.That doesn't mean that you have to give up on the marriage right now. I would seek the support of a therapist who can help you sort out what YOU want; whether it's to move on with your life, or wait patiently for a period of time.I can't predict what will happen here. But you can find out what the best path for you is. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "What does it mean when my wife says she loves me but isn't \"in love\" with me?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Usually someone means by this that the person cares about you, feels warm and friendly, has an interest in helping you, believes you have positive qualities such as kindness, and are generally a likable person toward whom the person feels affection.Romantic love and intimate involve a deeply felt dynamic that is unique to the particular couple. The dynamic results from the shared identity of being part of that particular couple. Loving another person is a one way dynamic of one person toward another person.In love is appreciating and freely wanting to continue, contributing to the couple's shared dynamic.Good luck in understanding more about your happiness and satisfaction in the current relationship!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel so lonely these days?", "questionText": "I have no idea what happened. I go places and do things but still feel lonely. I honestly have no friends, and I am always the one texting people and bothering people. I feel invisible, like someone that no one wants to be around.", "answerText": "A lot of times any and each of us creates what we need for ourselves by seeing other people as creating these circumstances and situations.Is it possible that at this time period in your life, being alone is positive for sorting through your true values or sorting through key situations in your life?If \"yes\", then possibly you are giving yourself some alone time, even though to some degree being alone is not your first choice.At the very least, since you aren't happy with being the one who texts others, then some alone time may encourage new thoughts and ideas creating more open space within you to attract other people who do enjoy texting you first.Also, most relationships are not forever. Is it possible you are at a phase when some relationships are simply closing down so that you have clear space within your life for new and different activity?"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I hate sex?", "questionText": "I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I dont like it because all of my friends enjoy it.", "answerText": "Although I am not entirely sure why you might be struggling in this area, an initial question I have is do you want to be sexually active at this time or is this something that you feel pressured into doing.? If you feel pressured into being sexually active by your friends or boyfriend it is understandable that you want it to be over. I would encourage you to ask your boyfriend to be patient with you at this time until you figure out what is going on. I encourage you to then think very deeply about what your reservations, if any, about being sexually active. Do you fear pregnancy? Are there problems in the relationship? Are you afraid of the emotional intimacy?Another question that comes to mind is whether or not you have any history of sexual activity that you did not consent to that might be getting in the way. When these types of traumatic events occur, people can essentially become triggered negatively by anything that reminds them of past trauma. Such events can cause an aversion to sex even if there is now a loving relationship whom one wants to be sexually active with. If this is the case I strongly recommend individual therapy to begin working through some of these issues.A final area that you might explore would be whether or not you are experiencing pain with penetration. If so, I would recommend that you schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to rule out any type of medical issues that might be causing these problems. Although pain can also be associated with emotional issues, it is always good to rule out possible physical causes. I hope that these ideas help to point you in the right direction. Take care."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I hate sex?", "questionText": "I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I dont like it because all of my friends enjoy it.", "answerText": "Does your boyfriend notice that you hate sex?If \"yes\", then it is a topic which the two of you would gain deeper understanding of each other, by discussing.If \"no\", then possibly one reason for hating sex is that your boyfriend doesn't notice who you are as a person, not simply a physical body engaged in sex."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my wife to forgive me?", "questionText": "I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.", "answerText": "Hello. Being unable to trust your significant other certainly can cause one to feel unsettled. Has your spouse ever done anything questionable that would cause you to not trust her? If so, then it will take time and some work to gain the trust back. Couple's counseling would be of benefit. If not, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to better learn where your insecurities come from. There are several possible reasons why you may be feeling insecure but without knowing them, the issue is not likely to get resolved. In the meantime, I suggest that when you're feeling upset and are unable to trust what your wife says/does, think before you speak. Ask yourself if you have valid reasons to not trust her. Instead of arguing, try and communicate how you're feeling and let her know that resolving this trust issue will be a top priority for you so that you can focus on other aspects of your relationship. Hope it all works out for you both!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my wife to forgive me?", "questionText": "I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.", "answerText": "Instead of fighting about trust, is it possible for you and your wife to talk with other about areas which upset each of you?Whenever feelings are hurt, knowing what exactly is problematic and being heard and understood by the partner, goes a long way to building trust.These type of discussions are hard to have, and especially for the first time. A lot of emotions arise and often people lose their conversation focus from this.If you and your wife have a tough time opening up to each other, consider scheduling time with a couples therapist.Just by each of you committing time to invest in the relationship will show faith in the relationship, and this may contribute to restoring trust."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop myself from making poor choices and hurting the one I love?", "questionText": "I've been in a relationship for over a year. He's cheated and lied. I heard he's married, but he says he's not. Everything is very up and down; there's no trust. Recently, he went on a trip, and I promised him I'd behave and not drink because when I drink, I drink too much, and I tend to make poor choices. This time, I made a huge mistake: I drank too much, and I cheated on him. I slept with another man for about five minutes before realizing what I was doing is wrong. I told him and he just got really rude. He called me names and threatened me. I feel bad as I do love him. We just have so many issues. I'm not a bad person, I've just made a lot of bad mistakes. Its unintentional, and I know right from wrong, but why do I still make the wrong choice?", "answerText": "Hi Calgary (Canada!), Let me get this straight...you're in a 'relationship', but he might be married. You both cheat and lie and he's abusive. The short answer is that there is too much wrong here for this therapist to try and fix it. Relationships don't heal us and they don't help us grow up. We have to be mature and stable enough to love someone before it's going to work. I'd recommend you focus on yourself alone for a while. You have a lot to sort out. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife no longer wants sex", "questionText": "I crave attention, companionship, and sex. She has had a hysterectomy, and she has a bad knee.", "answerText": "Hi Hampton,Although I'd bet your wife also wants the attention and companionship, it seems that there are a few barriers in your sexual relationship right now. I also would bet that there are things that your wife would like from you.This is a very common issue; two people with different sexual drives or needs. If you both want the relationship to improve, a couple's therapist who works in sexuality is a great idea; it's a complex picture that you've only given us a glimpse of.In the meantime, you can try a few things: have compassion for your wife. She's in pain and this may preoccupy her. Sex may be uncomfortable for her. She needs understanding. You need understanding too, right? Help her to see that you're not just angry, but lonely and hurt; it might affect how you see yourself as a man. Showing her irritability or anger might push her farther away.There are many ways to be close, intimate, and sexual that don't involve intercourse. You might want to explore some of these things and reassure her that you won't pressure her to have intercourse. Find out what your wife's wishes and ideas are. You might be surprised.These things take time to address, especially if they've been years in the making. I do recommend seeing that therapist. Relationships are very complex and it takes time to explore all the layers and barriers to change. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I leave my cheating husband or share him with someone?", "questionText": "I've been with my husband for eight years now. We have split twice before, and the first time was because he cheated. I took him back months later, and he really tried making it up to me by making a lot of changes. However, we continued to have issues because of my lack of trust. My insecurities and trust issues lead to physical abuse, which lead to us separating again. During that separation, he consoled himself by talking to the same girl he cheated on me with. But we then ended up back together and worked it out for a while until I got pregnant with our second child. The baby was a few months old, and he confessed to me about his secret relationship with her. He told me how he could never stop talking to her and how, during our issues, she has been and is the only women he's gone behind my back with (but on a friendship level because she's miles away). He confessed how he fought feelings for her and feels like he's possibly in love with her too. He said he feels like he's in love with the both of us now because this women has fallen for him, and she hasn't been able to leave him alone since. Even though she knows that he's still with me and happy with our family, she cant help it, and he confessed how his feeling for her are mutual. Being that he loves me too, he wanted to be with the both of us at the same time. He wanted to have affairs with her behind my back by flying her out and staying at a hotels, but he didn't want me to find out, so he told me everything. He said he didn't want to continue to lie to me and so I can finally stop accusing him of being with other women when it's only been this one girl the whole time. He feels like my insecurities and trust issues are what pushed him closer towards her, and that no matter what he did to do right, I would still accuse him. He's caught up in his feelings and pretty much says that he wants her but doesn't want me to leave him because I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. I'm of course hurt and in shock. I feel like I have to make a decision on whether I want to allow it and deal with having to share him or walk away. Both of these decisions are really hard to make because I feel like whether I stay or go, my heart will still be torn apart. I have to make a decision quick because she will be flying out sooner than I thought.", "answerText": "Hi Jayuya, I'm struggling in this moment with my own biases. I have biases that are about respect and every individual's need for and right to respect. Your husband lies, cheats and physically hurts you. He makes excuses and blames you for these behaviours and trains you to do the same. He demonstrates many controlling and abusive behaviours. And now, in an attempt to manipulate and silence you, he wants to have his cake and eat it too and suggests you should share him? There aren't many crumbs of this cake left for you, are there?So, my biases about respect don't make me want to rescue you or tell you what to do; I can't do that, and I don't think either of those things will help you. I'd like to ask you some questions though...Are you happy? Do you know what happy is? Do you know what respect is? Are your children safe? Are your children witnessing violence (because if they are, then they're not safe)? Do you have supports? Do your family and friends know what's happening in your life? Have you ever been to a women's shelter? Are you willing to sit down in an office with a professional who can help you think clearly? That's what I suggest. These are big decisions, you deserve some support. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "What can i do if there is no trust in our relationship?", "questionText": "I just got married with my husband. I have four kids of my own, and he accepts me with my kids. I am thankful he loves my kids even though theyre not his. Now we are having problems in our relationship because of my past. I know all marriages have problems, but sometimes I feel its not going to work out if theres no trust. Its hard for me to let go because I love him, but I am getting tired.", "answerText": "Hi Louisiana,You say that the problems are with your \"past\", but my hunch is the problems are about his insecurity and his personal barriers to trust (unless you've recently revealed details of a sordid past?). You don't mention ever having hurt the trust in the relationship.Trust is the first stage in a relationship. Moving forward before they develop trust is a common mistake couples make, and now you two have involved children in a relationship that's missing a crucial element. But you didn't see this coming, did you? That's because only as we become emotionally intimate do our deeper fears and insecurities come to the surface.I give you credit for wanting it to work, and I believe you would benefit from the support of a therapist in working through the kinks related to trust. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm scared of hurting my boyfriend after he had a cyst removed from his testicles", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have not had sex in a couple of weeks. He had to have a cyst removed on his testicles. I have been wanting to have sex with him for a while now, and it drives me crazy not to be able to make love to him. I'm scared to touch him and get close to him because I'm afraid that I will hurt him.", "answerText": "Are you talking with your boyfriend about his doctor advises on starting to have sex again?Being able to talk together about topics that involve both of you, will establish a new type of intimacy on an emotional level.Also, there are many ways of making love. If your bf's cyst hasn't yet healed, then another way of both increasing your emotional intimacy and learning different love making suggestions, is to read about these together with him.I hope the two of you enjoy learning new ways of sexually taking care of one another, while developing more emotional closeness in the process."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband works all the time and neglects his family", "questionText": "My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights.", "answerText": "Hi Ohio, The crazy things about situations like this is that, almost guaranteed, while your husband is out working and away from home, he feels he's doing it all for you and the kids; he believes he's loving you. He might feel like he's carrying his family on his shoulders. Your 'love language' is different...you'd rather spend time with him or talk to him...you want to feel like he's a bigger part of the family and feel connected to him. I absolutely understand that, and I support you asking for that.He might very well miss that feeling of connectedness too, but he's likely also feeling the weight of financial responsibility. A lot of men (and women) don't talk about this but they feel it. Sometimes they feel like they can't win either way; there's pressure to earn and pressure to be home.He has needs too; he probably wants more appreciation and less blame.I urge you to talk to him about how you feel, find out how he's feeling, and use a professional to assist you if your communication styles aren't great. Right now you WANT to spend time with him and that tells me that you have a good chance of addressing this problem successfully."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband works all the time and neglects his family", "questionText": "My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights.", "answerText": "I'm glad you're aware to expect more satisfaction from being part of a couple, than you currently describe yourself as having.Are you and your husband able to talk about any or all of what you've written here?His answers would be a starting point for knowing how he understands his share of your relationship and whether and how he would like making any changes.If the two of you feel too much tension in the relationship to bring up any of the topics you write about here, then ask yourself the reason for this.Very commonly, people are afraid to ask questions of their partner, even when feeling unhappy and that they'd like changes to the relationship.Often, people are fearful of harsh criticism by the partner and worry that by simply stating the reasons for feeling unhappy, will mean hearing judgments against them, spoken by the partner.It is always a good idea to utilize the services of a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist, if after trying to start a conversation on the topics you bring up here, does not go well or very far.For all of us, the emotions in our intimate relationships are deep and powerful. They are not easy to handle, especially under tension and frustration.Sending lots of good wishes for future happiness!"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to have sexual experiences with adults, male or female", "questionText": "How do I stop those thoughts?", "answerText": "The thoughts you are having are just thoughts. Not actions. It is your choice whether you act on these thoughts. If you decide to explore having sex with adults of different genders that is great. If you find yourself obsessed with sexual thoughts,you may want to see a cognitive-behavioural therapist. Take care."}, {"questionTitle": "What do you do if your partner isn't satisfying your needs sexually?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Talking to your partner about what's off would be a good place to start, but sometimes that can be really hard to muster the courage to do alone. It may not feel emotionally safe to dive into. This is where couples, and even more specifically, sex therapy can be really helpful. Therapy with a qualified professional can help to hold a safe and supportive space for you and your partner to open and explore these dynamics. You can also pick up some amazing books like Passionate Marriagewhich could be what you need to get that conversation started."}, {"questionTitle": "What do you do if your partner isn't satisfying your needs sexually?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Depends: What do would you like to see happen?"}, {"questionTitle": "Any suggestions for erection problems?", "questionText": "I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.", "answerText": "When a doc blows you off it may be a signal that it is time to find a new one! ED can often be caused by health issues. If all physical possibilities are ruled out then it's time to look within and enlist the help of a sex therapist. Here's a good article for you to start with."}, {"questionTitle": "Any suggestions for erection problems?", "questionText": "I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.", "answerText": "Hi there, first off I have to commend you for reaching out. It takes a lot for a man to reach out for help when it comes to erection problems. Believe it or not, this problem is very common for men and women.There are some things that you can try naturally, before resulting in medication, such as your eating habits and exercise. I would suggest taking a look at what you are consuming throughout the day. Do you consume a healthy diet and do you exercise regularly? How much caffeine and sugar do you intake daily? These are just a few common things to look at. You would be surprised of how much pressure what we consume puts on our bodies. Our bodies are like a car. You have to maintenance it, in order for it to continue to run.If you would like to get further natural advice and/or suggestions on eating healthy and exercising, I would recommend you see a nutritionist. A nutritionist specializes in maintaining a healthy diet. As far as your Doctor, I would recommend looking into getting another Doctor. I have never heard of a medical professional not wanting to talk about anything. That appears to be a personal issue on their part. I hope I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "My wife has a diminished libido, and is faking orgasms and denying it. What do I do?", "questionText": "My wife and I are newly married, about 2 months. We've had some issues surrounding sex, particularly her lack of libido. She's on an anxiety medication, of which diminished libido is a side effect, but I think our issue is also partly one of a lack of intimacy/romance centered around my hectic schedule. Our sex life has suffered as a result. Tonight she made a genuine effort to let me know she wanted sex, which is a big deal. Once things started, she had the most obviously fake orgasm I've ever encountered. I was honest with her about why, and told her that the most important thing to me in sex was knowing that she was legitimately enjoying it. She responded angrily with a complete denial of the faking. I don't know how to broach this subject and have an honest conversation. I think she will continue to lie to me about faking it which will cause our sex life to spiral further. Please help.", "answerText": "You are newly married, you Have a hectic schedule, your wife is on anti anxiety medication. What if you take the focus (hint: pressure) off of her orgasms and focus instead on connecting with one another. You know, like the gestures you each likely made while dating. It turns out that these little moments of connection throughout our days are actually foreplay. Spend a few weeks making a real effort to focus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about this a while back, you can find it here:http://connectfulness.com/little-moments/ And have fun with it!"}, {"questionTitle": "My wife and I have been married for over 3 years and we're tired of having sex", "questionText": "We make love once per month. Is it normal?", "answerText": "To begin with, what's normal for one couple isn't going to be normal for the next, every couple has their own normal and that's important to keep in mind. Your sexual lives will ebb and flow. What I'd be more curious about is the quality rather than the quantity of the sex you are having. I'd also want you both to refocus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about exactly that a while back and you can find it here."}, {"questionTitle": "I tell my husband I love him. But I don't believe it or feel it", "questionText": "When having sex I think of other men and want other men all day long. Been married 3 years, together 14. What do you think?", "answerText": "Sustaining passion in marriage is tough stuff. It's a relatively modern dilemma you are facing with perhaps unrealistic expectations of what marriage \"should\" be. It sounds like your definitions of love and sexual passion have merged together, that's both common and confusing! Intimacy and sexuality within your marriage are bound to ebb and flow. Resparking your passion will involve growing. Using your sexual drama and fantasies as windows into discovering your needs (security) and wants (desires). Marriage is a people growing process; you mature into one another and to achieve fulfillment your continued development will be required."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with a weird fetish I'm afraid of opening up about?", "questionText": "I have this weird fetish that I'm afraid to open up about it. What should I do?", "answerText": "This is difficult to answer because you dont tell us what the fetish is. I do understand that this is something that is bothering you though.The first thing to ask yourself is if this is something that is illegal or not. If this is illegal to engage in, then you need to seek counseling help immediately to control the urges.However, if your fetish is not something illegal and you just feel that it is something odd, a therapist could still help you deal with these feelings. You may find that it is something very common and not something to be ashamed of. You may find other people have the same interest as you. Find a therapist that you can trust and tell them. Dont hold back with your therapist. Trust me, they have heard and seen it all by now, and they can help you either stop the behavior that is causing you distress, or help you come to terms with accepting the behavior as part of who you are. There is no need to suffer with this alone."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do if my boyfriend can't get over my past?", "questionText": "My boyfriend can't get over my promiscuous past. He says he loves me but says the thought of my past is disgusting and a sexual distraction. He says he should have had more sex with different people. I don't know how to handle this.", "answerText": "I am sorry to hear of your relationship struggles.One thing I wonder is did you volunteer the information about your past or is this something that he asked about? In the future, it is probably best to leave details out of conversations like this. I think it is common and natural for partners to ask about the sexual history. For one thing, it is a good idea to be checked for STDs before entering into a sexual relationship with someone, and it is fair to share that information with each other. Partners usually want to know how many you have been with and what kind of sexual preferences you have or if there is anything you dont like to do. This gets into a gray area for some people. I dont necessarily want to know how many people my partner has been with and I certainly dont want a whole lot of details. Sometimes that is an image I just dont want in my head about my partner. Vague details are usually enough.However, I understand that your partner has the details and is not happy with your past. This is a reflection on him, not you. This shows insecurities on his part. You cannot control how he will react to information that you provide to him and you cannot control how he feels about the information. The past should remain in the past and not be held against you in the present or future. If he cannot handle your past then it is going to cloud your relationship. You can offer couples counseling to him and see if he will go with you. I have seen relationships recover from some very serious problems such as infidelity. It takes two people who both want it to work to make it work though.If your boyfriend cannot get over your past, you may have to let him go. Dont keep yourself tied to someone who is not right for you. Constantly holding your past over your head and holding that against you is only going to bring you down and eventually you may start having insecurities or low self-esteem due to this type of treatment. I dont see that you have done anything wrong. If you arent cheating on him now and you answered his questions about your past honestly, how he handles that information is on him. Ultimately, relationships have a tendency to come and go. Dont fight to hold onto someone who is not right for you. It is okay to be single and enjoy being the best you that you can be. In time, the right person for you will enter your life."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm losing my husband because my lack of sex drive", "questionText": "I have no sex drive due to medical issues. Ive shut down completely and closed everyone out. Ive even told my husband that I wanted a divorce since thats what I thought he wanted to hear. However, it devastated me when I learned he's seeing someone else. Ive since told him that I wanted to work things out but hes not sure I actually mean it. He thinks the only reason I want him back is because Im jealous. How do I show him Im serious?", "answerText": "Im sorry to hear about your current situation. My heart goes out to you during this time.First of all, it is of vital importance that you discuss your symptoms with your doctor. Regardless of whether you are able to mend your relationship with your husband, you need to address the physical issues you are experiencing. More than likely he/she will be able to help you relieve some of these symptoms.Secondly, you must be upfront and honest with your husband. Intimacy is a large part of a relationship and it is unfair to your husband that you did not disclose how you were feeling. I think he would appreciate knowing that it was your medical problems causing the lack of sexual desire as opposed to the reason being him.If you explain to him that you are addressing your sexual issues with your doctor in order to enhance your relationship, he may be more willing to see that you are serious in wanting to mend the relationship.The conversation will be hard to explain to your doctor and your husband since it is of such a personal nature but it will be extremely beneficial. And please note that the reason for the feelings you were experiencing (or lack thereof), was not your fault.Best of luck to you and your husband!"}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I'm sorry your grandpa died.Good for you to write on this site about wanting help to know how best to live with this new loss.Have you looked online for blogs and forums about adjusting to a recent death? That you know you'd like another person to help you adjust, is a good sign of your own mental health stability.It is possible that reading online blogs and discussion forums, writing on these if you feel like doing so, and possibly joining a local free support group, will be all you need to feel better.There is no set timeline in grief. Let yourself take as much time as you feel is best for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "You have my deepest condolences! It is hard to lose someone you love, was close! Remembering the good times and wrapping yourself in those warm memories. Think of your grandpa in his totality, all the things about him, so you remember the entire essence of him. Perhaps you could write to him, saying what you would want to say and maybe even going so far as to think and respond in a way that he would. Feeling your feelings, do not stuff them down, your feelings are valid. Grief is handled differently, experienced uniquely for each person. This thought also helps, see the graphic I am adding, please. Take him with you in your heart as you move forward in your life. Also, there are places to receive grief counseling at low and/or reduced even for free rates. You may consider doing things in his honor, being kind, paying it forward, starting a tree-planting drive, or another event to honor him his legacy."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Hi! There are support groups to join! I facilitate grief groups at trauma resolution center. Individuals are free to join if you live in Fl. Feel free to call 305-374-9990 to ask when the next grief group will begin. They are virtual"}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Prayer online requests. Search for free spiritual support for grief."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I'll help you! Let's work something out! Email me! If I can't help you I will help you with a referral for someone else who might be able to help.Or call the back of your insurance card and see if you can get in touch with a community mental health center that helps clients who can't afford normal prices for therapy. Or google a College/University near you that has a therapy or counseling program and they have a clinic on campus. I was the manager of mine and at the time, I had a client only paying $1 per session. They will try to help you as much as they can. Hopefully this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Grief can be confusing, and it can be hard to know who to talk to and how you are supposed to feel. It can be helpful to talk to a trusted adult to get support with talking to your family about your need for counseling at this difficult time. You can find free resources and support online at:-https://whatsyourgrief.com-www.GriefNet.org-The Dougy Center at https://www.tdcschoolkit/org/teens"}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "My condolences to you. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is certainly an emotionally devastating experience particularly in the early stages of grief. Healing from grief can include counseling, but also attending grief support groups can be helpful. Generally, there is no cost for attending a group apart from a voluntary donation.The universality of experience as well as the cohesion that happens between members contributes to healing in a significant way. During a pandemic, meetings may have been cancelled. However, you can also find support in attending online grief support groups. Compassionate Friends is an organization which helps families deal with the death of a child, but their website provides excellent resources for related groups you might want to explore that may lead you to an active online support group. All the best to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "It's really admirable that you are reaching out to get help for something that can be very hard to deal with on your own.Many counselors work based off a sliding-scale, meaning they may lower their fees to meet client's needs. This can vary by location and therapist availability. Another option is to try searching for counselors that would consider working with you probono. There's no harm in asking!It also may be helpful to check with your insurance company to see what services they cover and what their copay is.If it turns out that you are unable to find what you need, there are still many online support groups you can search via Google and/or Facebook that are specifically geared toward loss of loved ones."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Feeling profound sadness after the death of a loved one? Experiencing excessive guilt about something left unsaid or undone? Are you gripped with fear? Caught in a cycle of anxiety, helplessness, or panic? Having trouble resuming a normal life with grief and pain as your constant companions? Grief counseling could help you understand what's happened and provide professional help and support through it.Learn to cope with their grieving experience.Grief is a natural human response to loss. That doesnt mean the loss of a loved one isnt an intense and at times desolate experience. While painful experiences are normal during this time, your emotions may feel trapped on a non-stop roller coaster. You may experience downs and deeper downs interspersed with periods of brief respite.You can learn to express and come to terms with the broad range of emotions involved in the grieving process, from those that you may expect sadness, loneliness, exhaustion - to those that come as a surprise, such as relief, anger, and a sense of confusion. We offer a variety of therapeutic approaches to best support you and work with you as an equal collaborator to empower and engage your healing.Loss is a very personal journey, with some finding it more difficult than others. While grieving for the same person can often foster compassion and connection among family and friends, its also common for the grieving to struggle with anger, conflict, a lack of understanding, or an inability to fully share your feelings with others. Grief and bereavement counseling can provide you a much-needed safe space to work through your struggles with a caring, nonjudgmental professional.Do any of these describe you?Youre struggling to come to terms with a lossYou feel overwhelmed with grief, fear, despair, or worryYour faith seems shattered and you feel abandoned at your time of greatest needYou feel alone as everyone else seems to have moved on without youYou want to live a happier, more connected lifeYoud like professional support to better cope through the grieving processA counselor may offer the support, guidance, and expert care you need. In grief and bereavement counseling we work with you toward lessening the pain so you can function well in your post-loss life. We listen with empathy, discuss ways to deal with unhelpful and unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, and teach you techniques to manage distress and enable you to move forward."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "If you connect with your therapist and can say whatever you want to say and not be judged. If you feel like things, situations, your outlook are shifting for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Y'know, to see a man you've loved and care for pass on must make ya' want to cry and weep a bunch, don't it?And, may I say to you that... (as I've long since said)... if you need to mourn, take about a week or so and mourn like your life depended on it. I mean, get to weeping, gnashing, moaning, crying, solemnness, and reflection.And then, after about a week or so, reflect on the man as if he were a well-beloved traveler... sent off on a wondrous journey that will consume and encapsulate his entire awareness... and...Rather than expression vibrations of fatigue, sadness, and anger, send him the finest recollections and images you have of him, and regard him fondly...For, I think you will realize that the dead are not gone forever, but are actually extraordinarily active... and when he sees what you express out from within yourself, he experiences it himself (probably more than you know); so, why not send the very best you have out to him :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I am sorry for your loss. I understand the difficulty of needing help and not having financial resources. In some areas, you can dial 211 and find resources in the area that may be free of cost or low cost. In addition, often hospitals and community centers, churches, etc. have support groups. These are often free and many include grief and loss issues. Finally, there are some therapists who work on sliding scales and even sometimes offer pro bono sessions for clients. Hopefully some of these leads work out for you so that you can get the support that you need."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Losing someone you love, someone who has been there from your very first days, is really hard. Look for a local hospice support organization in your community - grief groups and counseling are often available through these centers. Don't just tough it out and wait for your sadness to fade. Your grandfather would not want that for you. Take extra good care of yourself and get some support"}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Your local hospice will have grief support groups and free community counseling available with bereavement counselors who are expects with grief and loss."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "Hello,I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandpa. My suggestion would be to look into community mental health agencies in your area. Sometimes they can offer low-fee counseling. You can also check the hospitals in your area because they may offer free or low-fee bereavement support groups, which can be very helpful. Lastly, you may want to look into reading some books about grief as they can help you understand the general effects of grief and feel comforted that you are not alone. Lastly, some therapists offer sliding scale, or reduced fee so it doesn't hurt to call some local therapists to see if they offer could offer a very low-fee. I hope this helps! Please take good care of yourself. Grief is so difficult but please know the pain will ease up over time.Warmly,Angela Topcu, MFT"}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear about your loss. He must have been very special to you and it definitely makes sense that you are having a hard time with it.Counseling may be an option if you have a university near you with a graduate marriage and family therapist program. Graduate students provide counseling at a very low cost as part of their traineeship. Here is an example...http://www.clucounseling.org/. Another possibility is a support group for bereavement and loss. Many are free.I wish you the best towards healing your heart."}, {"questionTitle": "I just lost my grandpa", "questionText": "I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?", "answerText": "I'm sorry you lost your grandpa. Some things that may help you through this tough time are to journal or write about special memories you have of your grandpa. You could also journal about your feelings of loss and how you miss him. Another thing that might help is to talk with a friend or family member. Sharing special memories of the person you lost can help you to grieve.If you would like to pursue counseling I would suggest doing an internet search for grief groups in your area. Sometimes hospitals or hospice centers will offer them for free or low cost. You can also do an internet search for non-profit counseling clinics in your area. Many cities and towns will have a non-profit clinic that can provide low cost counseling, it might be worth checking into."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I end the grief of my son's passing?", "questionText": "It's now the 18th anniversary of my son's passing. The pain has not gotten any easier to deal with. Each year from the time he is born to the time he passed. I break down into a spinning depression. Nothing I have tried or read helps in anyway.", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with the pain of losing my baby?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Recognize and allow yourself to know your feelings. And, let this process take as long as it naturally requires. You won't feel this way forever, and the feelings will dissolve by themselves once you've accepted them.Also take good care of your physical self during your grieving time. Grieving usually means people withdraw themselves from everyday life as much as possible.While emotionally it is necessary to primarily care about knowing your recent loss matters, monitor yourself to eat properly, keep your house in good shape, wash your clothes and take care of your personal hygiene.Otherwise it is possible to get overwhelmed from your own self-neglect of daily life.Finally too, a major loss such as you have, is a time for reflection and re-evaluation of overall life happiness and direction.Let yourself know more about who you are and in which direction you'd like to go as your grief feels more manageable and you regain interest in everyday life."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with the pain of losing my baby?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I'm so sorry for your loss. Here are some things that I know have worked for other parents following the loss of their babies: allow yourself to feel all your feelings no matter how big or scary they may be, find ways to memorialize the baby now and in the future, and don't put a time limit on your grief. It isn't a linear process so you will have days that make you feel like you did the moment you experienced the loss. On other days, you will feel better and may not even think about the baby. I hope you have a really good support system and at least one trusted person you can share your thoughts and feelings with without any judgment. If you don't, I know parents have found comfort in journaling or blogging as ways to express themselves. I'm glad you have reached out for help. I'm wishing you well.."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with the pain of losing my baby?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "First, I'm very sorry that this has happened.With just the information that you mentioned, I'm not sure whether you mean that you lost your baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, very young after being born, or several years into your child's life. While the process of working through your loss would certainly have similar components no matter how old your baby was, there are some differences as well.In general, I would suggest that you find more than one person in your life who you can trust to talk with about your feelings. If you have no one or would prefer to talk to someone who was not as close to you in that sense, consider speaking with a mental health professional.There is quite a process to grieving and it certainly takes time. It's different for everyone and the timetable is different for everyone.Here's a link to some information about some tasks of grieving. This is very general information and it would likely be helpful to work through it with someone:http://therapychanges.com/blog/2015/05/review-wordens-four-tasks-of-grieving/I don't know how long ago you lost your baby, but it may also be helpful to look at what remains that you do have control over. For example, I imagine that you choose what you want to eat, how you want to dress, whether or not to go to school or work, etc. While I'm sure your routine is quite different than it was before your loss, consider establishing a basic routine for daily activities.Also, depending upon the age of your child, you could probably find a local support group.Having pain after losing your baby is quite typical and is a reflection of how important your baby was, and still is, to you. If you feel as though you are going through this alone or without the type of support that you want (it is possible to be surrounded by people and still feel alone), consider finding some effective support as an important beginning step. Reaching out here is certainly the beginning of that."}, {"questionTitle": "Is being mean and fighting with my boyfriend normal after an abortion?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It isn't.Being mean and fighting suggest the naturally strong emotions associated with the decision to end a pregnancy.Even the most detailed thought out decision to end a pregnancy, has mixed emotions along with it.Look within for any emotions which are similar to losing someone with whom you feel close. This may connect your sense of loss to how you may feel now.Also, you and your boyfriend can talk together on the subject of how you each feel about the abortion. This may start a more connecting dialogue.If either of you do not want to discuss the abortion, then realize the other person may have strong feelings and feelings which are different from each other's to understand, require some quiet time and respect their need to do so."}, {"questionTitle": "Is being mean and fighting with my boyfriend normal after an abortion?", "questionText": "", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "Is being mean and fighting with my boyfriend normal after an abortion?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Yes, it is completely normal to experience a wide range of emotions after a major loss. Healing can occur in stages. Elisabeth Kbler-Ross proposed the concept of the five stages of grief:Denial - Unable to believe the reality of the loss.Anger - Wanting to blame somebody or something, having thoughts like \"this isn't fair!\" and \"why me?\"Bargaining - Hope that you can somehow avoid the cause of grief with a promise to compromise or change.Depression - Feeling sad, discouraged, and/or hopeless.Acceptance - Being able to remember with love rather than pain.The stages are not linear and not everyone experiences all five stages in this order. This 5-stage model is meant to help normalize the grieving process and educate individuals that you have to let yourself feel your way through your grief. It can help to work with a trained professional counselor to guide and support you on your path to healing."}, {"questionTitle": "Is being mean and fighting with my boyfriend normal after an abortion?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Saying that this is a very emotional time for you would be quite the understatement. I would imagine that there are lots of changes in mood and different emotions that you feel about the abortion itself.Also, there are probably quite a few hormonal changes happening as well.Is your boyfriend able to provide support through this process?There is some information here about some of the changes you may be experiencing as well as a link to a place where you may find support groups:http://psychcentral.com/lib/understanding-abortion-grief-and-the-recovery-process/?all=1Please realize that if you would like to talk with someone about this, someone is there. There are links at the article above and you can also call a local mental health professional. The link above is meant to link you to some places that are supportive. I would just like to be clear that I respect the decision that you have made and I am looking only to link you to places and people that are supportive of that."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop crying?", "questionText": "My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying?", "answerText": "It's good to know you are reminiscing about good memories. The sadness and crying is normal when you are missing a loved one. You are noticing that grief changes, it doesn't just stop. You have recognized that there will be moments in life that you will want to have shared with your brother and grandma and it just seems unfair that you cannot. I often find that when someone is stuck in the place you are, it is a result of unfinished business and in your case, it appears, unfinished futures. A professional versed in grieving and it's intricacies, can guide you to navigate through this and lessen the intensity that you experience. As life goes on, there will be many moments that you will have wished they were present, but those moments do not have to bring you such intense emotion. Seek some help, you won't regret it."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop crying?", "questionText": "My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying?", "answerText": "Because you're sad and miss the relationship you had w grandma and your brother.The academic point that grief takes a different length of time to lift for each person, is true.Also, from a spiritual perspective, your grandma and brother are still here in loving relation to you, just not in physical body. Pay attention if you have a sense of talking to them within your mind. This may lessen your feeling of loss.When you're done crying about missing them, your grief will simply disappear on its own! It cannot be forced to leave."}, {"questionTitle": "I lost my mom, and I feel like I'm depressed", "questionText": "Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.", "answerText": "I am so sorry about your loss. Losing someone you love is always difficult, however, losing a mother is a significant loss in a daughters life. What makes this loss complicated is that it appears you have also had a loss in your relationship with your sister. It is difficult to know what happened with your sister with the limited information you have provided, but what I suspect is that there are some unresolved issues between the two of you and that she may be projecting her pain on to you. It is important to remember that your sister is also grieving the loss of your mother and may not be dealing with it in a very healthy way. By her bringing up your relationship with your mother and suggesting that you were \"never close\" to her is her opinion. Only you can define and determine what your relationship was like with your mother. If there is truth to this, then it may be something you may need to talk about with a counselor. There could be an added layer of ambiguous loss in that you are not only grieving her physical absence, but could be grieving the loss of a relationship you wish you could have had with her and the realization that you never will. You and your sister are both in the heart of the grieving cycle. When two people are grieving the same loss at the same time, it is difficult to provide support to each other because of their own struggle, even if they both were on good terms with each other. Depression is part of the cycle of grief. It is absolutely normal to feel sad, as well as experiencing other depressive symptoms (i.e., feelings of isolation, lack of motivation, low energy, sleep or appetite changes, etc.). Anger is another phase of the grief cycle. Your sister may be stuck in the anger phase, not wanting to connect with her own feelings of sadness, so this may be why she is being hurtful towards you, in projecting her anger onto you in order to avoid the vulnerability of experiencing her own grief.Finally, it appears that your depression proceeded the loss of your mother and is making your experience with grief more complicated. Were you officially diagnosed and treated for depression prior to your loss? Depression in grief is different than a depressive mood disorder. Depression can be situational (i.e., triggered by an event) or related to genetics, undiagnosed health issues, stress, trauma or other potential risk factors. If you have a family history of depression, you are more susceptible to have depression. It would be wise for you to discuss this with a mental health provider, and if necessary, get treatment through counseling and medical interventions."}, {"questionTitle": "I lost my mom, and I feel like I'm depressed", "questionText": "Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother.", "answerText": "Wow what a painful journey you have been in for a long time. Death and grief bring up so many painful reminders of relationships--what they could have been, never were, and what was lost. With death of a family member the family often falls apart for a while... or longer. I hope you can find some support for you and your pain that was occurring before your mom's passing. I also hope you can find someone to help you set boundaries with your sister so you can have your time (as long as you need) to heal from losing your mom and then later figure out how to interact with your sister."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop craving nostalgia?", "questionText": "The past always feels much brighter and more beautiful than my present. Everything about what's gone feels so amazing; almost like I'm high off nostalgia. But in the end it just makes me feel sadder knowing that all of the memories (and a close friend that left me) are gone forever. How do I move past that and live more in the present?", "answerText": "Do some self-reflecting as to what areas of your life you'd currently like to develop.The good news is you know how happiness feels.That you were able to create situations and dynamics which produced happiness in your life is good motivation to believe happiness is possible and to try new ways to create this in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel guilty about my fathers death", "questionText": "I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience.", "answerText": "I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? \"I feel guilty about my father's death\", and \"I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad.\" Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that.I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him.No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself \"It's okay that I had to take care of myself too.\"... \"I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about\".Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel \"good enough\" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How do you cope with the death of your child, while surrounded with your parents who aren't supportive and disregard your feelings?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "First of all, I am very sorry to hear about your loss, which must be very painful. It sounds like in addition to the loss, you are also feeling invalidated by your parents and alone with your grief. Grieving is a very personal and sometimes complex process which many people are ill equipped to support us through. If you can get the support of a competent therapist, this may be quite valuable in helping work through this process."}, {"questionTitle": "I think my wife is running from the pain of losing our first born", "questionText": "My wife is trying to leave. She agreed to come back and give me a little time. Even said she hopes I can do it. We buried our first born in Jan 13 years ago. She never got past it. So every year around this time, she gets emotional and says she doesn't think she loves me, but then we go back to normal. This time, another guy came in and showed her attention. I'll forgive the cheating if she'll come home.", "answerText": "I'm sorry that you lost your first born child. Death of a child always leaves a permanent reminder to the parents of a very painful time in their lives.The good news is your awareness that you and your wife are not connected in a satisfying way.There are many possible areas to examine in your relationship as partners and as parents.If what you write here are your observations and theories about your wife's outlook and conclusions, then the first step is to directly have conversations together on the topics you write here.What needs clarifying is what her reasons are for wanting to leave the marriage.Often, a crisis such as a child's death, motivates someone to look deeply into other intimate relationships. Keep in mind that looking deeply doesn't necessarily mean leaving the marriage.Also, be aware of your own frustrations and marital discontent. Be ready to talk about your feelings and uncertainties.There is no such thing as one happy partner in a marriage and one unhappy partner. Each person is part of a system and can only be as satisfied as their partner.The conversations that open relationship hurts and disappointments, hold a lot of emotion. They are difficult to keep on track.Best recommendation is to find a couples therapist who will be neutral to each of you as individuals, and help both of you examine the true health of the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cope with losing my mom?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "First, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. The grief of losing a parent can be very difficult to work through. When you lose someone you love, you are forever changed. The goal of working through any loss is to reach a \"new normal.\" Though you will never forget your mom, the grief processing is about learning to live in a different way, without her physical presence. One of the best things you can do is find a good support system. You need to talk about your loss, and talk about it a lot. Talking helps work through your emotions and reach a place of healing. Find friends you trust who can support you or find a good grief support group. They are hugely beneficial since the group will understand exactly how you feel. If you find you are still struggling, a good grief counselor will also help."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find happiness after my boyfriend passed away?", "questionText": "I loved him more than anything. He passed away on our anniversary which was also the day I was going to apply for our apartment. I'm not handling it well. I moved to a new town and started a new life but nothing helps.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear of your boyfriend's passing. Grief is something that can take a long time to recover from. Have you considered speaking with a grief counselor? Being able to speak with someone that specializes in grief would be very beneficial.Do not get down on yourself for not recovering quickly. This is one of the hardest aspects to deal with in life but eventually you will be able to move forward.In the mean time, immerse yourself with positivity (i.e. Good friends, hobbies, exercise) and try to schedule a time with a counselor.Perhaps there will be a support group you could also join. Oftentimes, it is comforting to meet others who share the same experience as you.Good luck to you. I hope you will find peace and comfort soon."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop grieving my mothers death?", "questionText": "What can I do to stop grieving my mothers death? When I am awake I just cry every day. I don't have anyone to talk to. I need help; I am still cry over her. Will I ever stop crying? Its been 3 years.", "answerText": "I am sorry that you lost your mother. That is a really hard thing for someone to go through.There is really no set time for grief to be over, but I agree that if it has been three years and you are still crying every day then this is past the time for normal grief. I do not know how old you are and if you are in school or have a job, but I would imagine that if by now you literally were doing nothing but crying every day all day, someone would have noticed and would have gotten you some help. For one thing, bills have to be paid.There are typically five stages of grief and they can come in any order. You can go back to another stage that you previously experienced. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages.At first, people are usually in denial over the fact that they lose someone or are losing someone. This may mean that you deny they are ill or deny that they have actually died.Then comes bargaining, in which you may beg God that if you can only have this person back then you will do whatever.Depression is when the reality has settled in and when we cry and really feel the loss. It sounds like you are stuck in this phase.Finally, acceptance is when we accept that it has happened and we pick up the pieces of our life and move on.When we lose someone we never forget them. We may always have certain days that are tough, such as holidays or any special remembrance of your loved one. But we do get to the place where we accept that death is part of life and that it is inevitable, and that life goes on.A therapist can help you explore the reasons for your extended grief and can help you with coping skills to better deal with it. One suggestion I have is not to try to run from the sad feelings, dont try to not feel them. Embrace the feelings. Let the feelings wash over you and accept them. Trying not to feel something is not going to help. Sadness is a part of life and needs to be felt just like happiness does. Unpleasant feelings are not to be avoided.I am sincerely sorry that you lost your mother and that you have had such a hard time of it for three years now. You deserve to be happy and to live a full life. I am sure your mother would not want you being sad for so long. I wish you all the best as you continue to try to heal from this loss and deal with your grief."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?", "questionText": "My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that your brother has been having such a rough time. He's lucky to have you on his side (although he may not always see it that way).As far as whether you can sign him in, that depends on a lot of different things.I would suggest that you Google the state and county that you live in as well as some phrase similar to \"crisis hotline.\" They can tell you how it works in that county. My guess is that you could sign him in as long as he met the criteria for admission at that moment, but I can't be entirely sure.You could also ask the person on the phone about financial responsibility. I have not heard of that being a problem, but I guess it would depend on insurance.If you have trouble finding a local hotline, consider calling the national crisis number (800-273-8255) and ask them to help you find someone local."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?", "questionText": "My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?", "answerText": "Thanks for asking this question. I know it can be really difficult to deal with issues like this.To answer your question, you might be able to get you brother some mental health help, even if he doesn't recognize that he needs it. In most states, an individual can request a mental health evaluation of a family member if that family member poses a danger to themselves or someone else, or if they are unable to take care of their own basic needs.You can always call 911 if you are concerned about his immediate safety (for example if you find him sleeping outside in below freezing weather. As an alternative to calling 911, you might also be able to request an evaluation from an authorized mental health provider. The deatsils of who you would contact vary from state to state. Here's a link with some additional resources:http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/someone-i-know-is-in-crisisHe's lucky to have a brother who cares for his wellbeing as much as you do."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?", "questionText": "My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?", "answerText": "The answer depends on what State you live.Since the description you write here is that your brother may be a serious risk to himself and others, it is worth contacting a mental health hotline or one of your local area hospitals and talk to a social worker or other professional level person in their psychiatry department. Ask the same question you posted here. Your question is a good one and merits serious follow through."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I sign my brother into a mental health facility?", "questionText": "My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?", "answerText": "Hello, My heart goes out to you, your brother, and your family, dealing with a very painful and difficult situation.In New York, you can't institutionalize someone else directly. You can, however, call the police or EMS. If they agree that he would benefit from hospitalization (and it sounds like they would), he can be held in the hospital for up to 72 hours, whether he agrees or not. Some hospitals will not hold a person that long, in spite of what we might want. I have seen many patients in and out of hospitals countless times, and it has been my experience that it can be extremely difficult to hold a person long enough to achieve good stability and an appropriate after-care plan. Hospitals in NYC tend to take a \"patch and release\" approach more often than I would like.It's been my experience that family makes a difference. Assertive, knowledgeable, persistent family can improve the quality of your loved one's care. Hospitals are highly pressured to discharge people quickly but they can not discharge a homeless person without someplace to go. If your family is willing to accept your brother, that will be the path of least resistance for the hospital. If the family refuses, they will be forced to find another path for him. You can also pressure the hospital to refer to rehab after psychiatrically stablized (which may only take a few days) and that may give your brother more time to begin making clear-headed decisions.If your brother has a psychiatrist, that person should be actively involved. I had a patient patched-and-released three times, in spite of my advocacy and him literally beggingto remain and stop his voices. We finally got a 90 day hospitalization because I strong-armed his psychiatrist into demanding that the hospital stabilize his patient. If your brother has a history of non--compliance with oral medications, you can push the hospital for injection, which again will help your brother stay stable for longer.Best wishes to you and your family."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it (\"Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now.\"), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "When trying to quit an addiction it is imperative to decide what purpose the addiction serves. You said it is not a physical need but rather a mental need. What other ways could this need be alleviated? A video I often recommend to those who want to quit a habit isADDICTION"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "It's very admirable that you are trying to stop smoking for the sake of your health and your child's health. The mental aspect of quitting a drug can and usually is the hardest part. First, it can be helpful to change the focus of your thinking so you are focusing on the healthy behaviors you will start/improve rather than only focusing on the behavior that you are trying to stop. The reason for this is that our brains hear the main topic of our thoughts. That is, when you tell yourself \"quit smoking, quit smoking, quit smoking\", your brain hears \"smoking, smoking, smoking\". So we need to put together a self-care plan that addresses your thinking, emotions, and behaviors (nutrition, physical activity, and other stress reducing activities). The idea is to have an effective plan in place to both prevent yourself from feeling intense stress (which increases cravings) and to have a well-placed plan for when the intense cravings inevitably present themselves. And lastly, and possibly the most important; You have to believe you deserve to be the healthiest version of yourself. Think about the times when you are most vulnerable to smoke (stressful situations, after meals, when drinking, social situations, etc.). The use of affirmations is also an important resource as what we say to ourselves effects our mood. Repeatedly telling yourself \"i am healthy, \"i am getting healthier, \"my lungs are becoming clear and healthy\" or other affirmations like this. Even if you don't believe them at first, continue saying them. This step is important to improve cognitive flexibility which trains your brain to be open to change. Think about activities that you like to do or that you would like to try and replace smoking with those activities. Any activity that can make you laugh (time with friends, watching comedies, etc.) will evoke a calming response because when we feel happy, we typically don't feel stressed out simultaneously."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "First off, I would like to congratulate you on making the decision to stop smoking. The next thing I want to share is that there are so many different ways to kick the habit. Some people find solace in groups, while others prefer to see a counselor about this individually. Remember, that the crux of addiction is feeling one way and using a substance or thing to feel a different way. My suggestion is to find an addiction counselor and create an individualized plan together to help you stop smoking . Your chances of stopping smoking are much higher when you have professional support and a plan to work on outside of your sessions."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "While smoking can be incredibly difficult to quit doing, it's not impossible, so the first thing to NOT lose is hope. And certainly planning to have a baby can be exactly the catalyst that one needs to motivate to complete this sort of task. But, as I said, it still won't be easy, even with the motivation there.There is a definite physical component, but it's great that you can acknowledge the psychological addiction that exists. It would be helpful to dive into what that psychological need actually is, as it can vary from person to person (whereas the physical addiction doesn't as much, and therefor can be helped through gums and patches and inhalers, etc.) Exploring and getting to the root of the psychological need can help you to determine what is going on for you psychologically, and how else you can meet those needs of yours, perhaps in much healthier and more adaptive ways, that also help you to feel really good about yourself. While replacement is not always advocated, having psychological needs is not something to be ashamed of, but rather nurtured."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "Breaking any habit is no easy feat. Cutting down or cutting out cigarettes is very challenging, and there aren't any one size fits all solutions. Fortunately, there are a lot of tricks and tools that you can use to stop smoking. 1. Many habits that we have are paired habits. If we do one thing, then we will do the other thing. Think about the activities that you do when smoking and try to pair those activities with another activity other than smoking. For instance, many people smoke while they drive. Consider planning another activity to do while driving. (It might not be driving for you, but you get the idea! :)). It might be taking a walk instead of smoking on your break at work. 2. Create distance between you and the habit you are trying to break. This approach could be used in a variety of different ways. If you smoke first thing in the morning, consider leaving your cigarettes in a different room in your home. Walking the extra couple of feet could help you decide not to smoke. Leave your credit or debit cards at home and carry less emergency cash than a pack of cigarettes. With this strategy, you are trying to create some distance between you the cigarettes so that you have to jump through extra hoops to get them. 3. Consider cutting back before cutting out. If you are smoking 10 cigarettes a day, try smoking 9. Then cut back to 8 and so on. Having a plan to reduce harm may be more sustainable than cutting things out altogether.4. You could also talk to your doctor about the safety of nicotine patches. If you aren't already pregnant, this could be a great resource to help boost your success. 5. Focus on what you are gaining instead of what you are loosing. You may be losing cigarettes,but you are gaining money, health, taste buds, an increased sense of smell, lung capacity, a healthy baby etc. You could plan small rewards/ treats with the money you save from decreasing cigarette purchases. I recommendmaking these purchases small and frequent to keep up the momentum rather than waiting for a big payout a couple of months down the road. Good luck! Cutting out cigarettes will be good for you and your baby."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "Hopefully you feel you have the time to follow this procedure.1. For a week - log when you smoke - time, place and activity2. Plan on cutting back 10% for a week.Cut out the easiest times.3.Next change the times and and activities for 3 days - consider water or candy or gum if it is very tough.4. Cut another 10% each week until you are done."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "It is very good news that you realize the risks of smoking cigarettes while pregnant and are willing to stop.Thinking about smoking is a typical and frequent reaction to being without the substance.Be creative with what you know about yourself to distract you when this psychological urge comes up. My suggestions are to imagine smoking if you find this would relieve the sense of wanting to smoke.Or, do the opposite and remind yourself of all the good reasons to not smoke.Also, since you're planning pregnancy then ask your partner for ideas on how to make the psychological feeling to want to smoke, feel less intense.Another suggestion is that your partner is your texting buddy to stop smoking. With AA groups, a sponsor is always available for the alcoholic who feels distress about the urge to drink. Having a trusted and caring person to tell about your problem helps in many situations. Maybe it will help you to stop smoking.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "Quitting smoking can be difficult. It's also true that there is part that is sometimes a physical need and a part that is often connected to emotions in some way. From the way that you wrote this, it sounds like you may have been able to stop smoking physically, but still have cravings.One thing you can do is talk with your primary care physician or OB/GYN about whether there is anything that you can take to help with the cravings. Sometimes that can very helpful.As far as the more emotional or mental piece, these things come to mind:Sometimes a crucial part is looking at the habit of smoking and seeing what else you can do to keep your mind and hands busy. There are sometimes toys, like those available at Office Playground, that may help to keep you physically occupied.There can also be changes or additions to your routine because I imagine that smoking took up a great deal of your time. Maybe when you have the temptation to get up and go to have a cigarette, you could have several other things that you can get up and do instead. The list is endless, but a few examples could be doing some physical exercise (with the permission of your doctor) just for a couple minutes because that could help with the craving as well, completing a puzzle, learning a new activity that requires using your hands (painting or knitting, perhaps).Another piece of quitting smoking is often linked to anxiety or other emotional changes, perhaps irritability. Depending on what it is that you may be feeling, learning other strategies to use can be helpful as well.This can all be quite overwhelming and a very big life change. I would recommend that if things do not become easier for you, consider talking with a therapist. Then you could not only have some more strategies or ideas directly related to you, but you could have very direct support for what you are trying to do.I give you a lot of credit!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?", "questionText": "I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?", "answerText": "It can be challenging to quite anything once we set our mind to it. We often crave the things more that we know we can not or should not have. With that being said I would encourage you to become aware of the chemical dependency part that cigarettes have on your brain and your body. Then make yourself aware of the mental part the habit part. Often times people will engage in smoking again just from the mere social aspect of it. Make yourself aware of these and devise a plan of the things you will do instead of going out on smoke breaks, or the ritual of smoking in the car on on the back porch. There are plenty of support groups out there to help with this as well. Smoking cessation is a good resource."}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Maybe this will help you understand. First it depends on many chemical factors. When you drink alcohol overindulge so to speak. You are flooding the pre frontal cortex of your brain. This controls communication and cognitive behavior. There were studies on this and many times if you notice those intoxicated get loud respond to loudness. Also certain types of alcohol can have sides effects. Instead of brown liquor try white liquor. Experiment safely to find if you maybe having side effects causing overindulgence which we don't want to lead to alcoholism. Set an intention before experimenting that you will not feel angry or guilty... Seek talk therapy which will help decrease the cravings or desire to."}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Hello, I commend you for your courage in taking a look at the role alcohol has in your life. It sounds like you're concerned about what happens when you drink too much and I suspect you already know the answer to your question about whether you have a problem or not. I imagine you would like to stop feeling guilty and would like to avoid cheating on your boyfriend or other negative consequences and maybe have a fear of being or becoming an \"addict\" or \"alcoholic.\" You might have a \"problem\" but that does not necessarily mean that you are an addict.I don't have information to know if \"addiction\" or \"dependence\" or other words would best describe where you are with drinking, but it sounds like it's begun to have some negatives, so forgive me using words like addict, dependence and so on. I mean it more as a road map than a diagnosis. The feedback I'm writing here is very general and doesn't address physical dependence and many other factors that might apply to your situation. One of the ways to think about substance (mis)use is to think of addiction as a disease of avoidance. Let me repeat that: it is a disease of avoidance. Your ultimate task in living a balanced life is to figure out what you're avoiding and develop other ways to manage those feelings, experiences, and so on. And of course, along the way, you may want to look at triggers, situations, biological vulnerability, social pressures, coping skills, relapse prevention planning and so on. Depending on where you are in your drinking, you might very well benefit from expertise and support.Remember also that alcohol depresses our central nervous system and disinhibits us. That means that alcohol is often a substance of choice to relax, destress, calm down, etc. Also, it allows feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that we usually inhibit to be expressed. If you were unfaithful and often angry, that's your first signpost. For angry drinkers, it is often true that you don't drink and then get angry, you drink in order to express anger.I recommend you find someone you can speak frankly with, who is knowledgeable about addiction. Wishing you the best health and wellness."}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "The short answer is yes - if you feel 'really guilty after a night of drinking', then you probably have a problem. What you could do is visit this website by the National Institutes of Health:http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/How-much-is-too-much/ There you will find information on how many drinks is too much, and the general answer for women is more than seven drinks in a week. There is also a quiz you can take anonymously that will help you determine if your drinking is a problem. The good news is that you can get help for substance abuse through counseling, self-help programs, or alcoholics anonymous."}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "That is great that you recognize you over indulge. Also considering what is the deeper reason of your drinking and over drinking, to escape, to feel you belong in a group, there are so many possible variables. The guilt is your body/brains way of knowing this behavior does not resonate with your core being."}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Thank you for writing in with this important question. There are some key words in your question that indicate you may have a problem; they are, \"over indulge,\" \"feel really guilty,\" and \"angry drunk.\" You also indicate that you have been unfaithful in your relationship while under the influence of alcohol. In assessing whether or not someone has a \"problem\" with alcohol, some of the criteria I consider are whether or not they have attempted to cut back on their drinking and have been unable to do so and do they continue to drink despite knowing of likely consequences to their own emotional/physical health, relationships, occupational and/or social functioning.I indicated you \"may\" have problem because it would be improper for me to make a formal diagnosis over this type of forum with so little information; however, with the information you provided, my answer is yes, you may have a problem based on my interpretation that you have tried to control your drinking and have been unsuccessful and have continued to drink despite experiencing yourself as an \"angry\" drunk, feeling guilty after a night of drinking and being unfaithful in your relationship. I would recommend that you see a counselor for a proper assessment. I applaud you for being concerned about this issue and seeking help."}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Guilt is a narcissistic, self-indulgent focus on me, me, me; it's best not to keep it in negative light;What does that mean? Well, it stems from mankind having an animal nature, and a spiritual nature;In most societies today, the animal nature is looked down upon, seen as egregious and something to be put away;If I may say to you, it is necessary and important (if you wish to end an experience called \"guilt\") to NOT regard your animal nature as negative, but to accept that you have it, and acknowledge it;The more openly a man or woman acknowledges they're animal-side, the quicker one may subdue it;Try giving your animal nature a name, and talk to it like a cute pet... \"Oh, hey, there, Snorky! Oh, what's that? You want to be a wealthy, famous Hollywood idol? Oh, really! Agaiiiiiiin, Snorky! Geez, you're impossible! Ain't you just the cutest thing!\""}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "I offer that getting a professional assessment is in order to look at your relationship with alcohol."}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you figure out if indeed you have a problem or not. I would say the first question you should ask yourself is why you are drinking? The second would be why you feel the need to drink in excess? It may be due to a life event or the crowd you are running with. Either way a therapist will be able to help you through this as you already made the first step in admitting you are having a difficult time."}, {"questionTitle": "I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day", "questionText": "I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", "answerText": "Usually when someone asks if they have a problem, they believe they do have a problem!The first step is to understand your own theory and definition as to what problem you feel you have. Some possibilities are feeling unhappy in the relationship to your boyfriend, not having enough discussion between the two of you, not feeling cared about by your boyfriend, not liking your boyfriend.Did you grow up in a family in which the grownups drank to the point of excess at the times they felt stressed?Family modeling of how to handle problems may have left you no knowing how to handle stress except to drink to excess.Ask yourself what it is you feel guilty of doing?The guilt may point you in a good direction if it is your sense of self-esteem telling you to find better ways of managing your life.Do you drink alone or together with friends?Try defining your specific reasons for drinking because this is the first step to know how to handle the situation differently."}, {"questionTitle": "I found drugs in my moms drawerwhat should I do?", "questionText": "She's my stepmom. I'm pretty sure she's illegally buying the drugs and hiding them from my dad.", "answerText": "Are the drugs themselves illegal or the method of her purchasing them?How do you know the facts of what you write here?Also are you sure your stepmom is buying or hiding them for her own use and not on behalf of your father?If youd like to lovingly make your father aware of your findings then be clear on these answers since most likely hell want to know this information.If the drugs are illegal and in his house then he is just as liable for arrest as the stepmom.Im sure from this perspective at least, hed appreciate your telling him of your findings."}, {"questionTitle": "I found drugs in my moms drawerwhat should I do?", "questionText": "She's my stepmom. I'm pretty sure she's illegally buying the drugs and hiding them from my dad.", "answerText": "I would suggest having a conversation with your dad and then having a conversation as a family with your stepmom. Usually there are other signs of use that can often be missed. Be aware of behavior changes and mood swings. Be supportive and ready to listen often times individuals suffering from addiction will deny use until they are ready for help."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If the person doesn't see themselves getting drunk and out of control, and instead continues to drink. Often along with this the alcoholic person minimizes or dismisses your concern that they're drinking more than for social fun.Also if someone manages their life around drinking as their priority. Someone who is physically addicted to alcohol will want to drink even when there is no social activity going on or they are not in a circumstance in which relaxing with a drink is possible.Often the drive is so strong the person will keep their drinking secret if they know others wouldn't ordinarily drink at that time of day."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The clinical term for alcoholism is Alcohol Use Disorder, which is defined by the American Psychological Associations Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (known as the DSM-5). There are 11 symptoms that are described in this diagnostic tool to help health care providers determine whether their patients suffer from an alcohol use disorder.11 Signs of an Alcohol Use DisorderYou drink more alcohol or you drink over a longer period of time than you intend to.You have persistently wanted to and/or tried to cut down the amount of alcohol that you drink or stop drinking completely, but you have been unsuccessful.You spend a great deal of time seeking out alcohol, using alcohol, and recovering from the effects of alcohol.You find yourself having strong cravings, desires, or urges to usealcohol.Your use of alcohol leads to your inability to fulfill your obligations at work, home, or school.You continue to use alcohol even after your drinking has caused problems in your social life or interpersonal relationships.Your use of alcohol leads to a reduction in or disengagement with important social, occupational, or recreational activities.You find yourself recurrently using alcohol in situations that are physically hazardous to you.You continue to use alcohol despite your awareness that your drinking has caused or exacerbates a physical or psychological problem.You have developed tolerance to alcohol, which is defined as needing larger amounts of alcohol to obtain the desired intoxication level or feeling a reduced effect when you drink the same amount of alcohol.You develop withdrawal symptoms when you dont drink alcohol, or you use alcohol (or a closely related substance) in order to prevent withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms include: sweating, fast pulse rate, hand tremor, insomnia, nausea or vomiting, hallucinationsor illusions (visual, tactile, or auditory), psychomotor agitation, anxiety, generalized tonic-clonic seizures.A person who has 2 to 3 of the above symptoms is considered to have a mild alcohol use disorder.A person who has 4 to 5 of the above symptoms is considered to have a moderate alcohol use disorder.A person who has 6 or more of the above symptoms is considered to have a severe alcohol use disorder."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Wikipediastates, Alcoholism In a medical context, alcoholism is said to exist when two or more of the following conditions is present: a person drinks large amounts over a long time period, has difficulty cutting down, acquiring and drinking alcohol takes up a great deal of time, alcohol is strongly desired, usage results in not fulfilling responsibilities, usage results in social problems, usage results in health problems, usage results in risky situations,withdrawaloccurs when stopping, andalcohol tolerancehas occurred with use. Hope that helps."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Our culture \"normalizes\" drinking but a psychotherapist can diagnose someone with an alcohol problem. They can use various scales as well as the diagnostic manual ICD-10 to assist them in making the proper diagnosis."}, {"questionTitle": "How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Basically, being an alcoholic means that someone really depends upon alcohol and does not function well or becomes sick if they do not have it.There is also this acronym that may help:Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?There is an online assessment from the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence:https://www.ncadd.org/get-help/take-the-test/am-i-alcoholic-self-test There is other information on this site as well."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do to help my dad stop drinking?", "questionText": "Or how to send him somewhere that can help him, something like The Baker Act.", "answerText": "Your dad needs to be aware that he has a problem and be willing to make some changes in order for him to be motivated to stop. Often times individuals will be forced to stop when they were not ready. Remember we can not ever make someone do something they do not want to do. There needs to be at least a little willingness on the other party to make some changes. I would encourage you to reach out to your family or other loved ones and have a conversation with your dad regarding your concerns."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know if my ex-boyfriend is using opiates again", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I recently broke up. One week, we were fine, and the next, he told me he needed space. He completely deleted me out of his life. He does have an opiate addiction. He claimed he was sober, but since we've split, I've heard many lies from him. Could he be using again, and does this addiction affect the mind?", "answerText": "Studies have proven that addiction affects the brain, there are many coping skills that addicts use to enable their addiction as well. I would recommend that you speak with someone abut your relationship and your concerns. Not only so you can have more clarity in the situation but we often tend to gravitate around or toward the same types of individuals. Being more aware of your relationship will help you in the future when re-engaging in personal relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away?", "questionText": "My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.", "answerText": "Your friend needs to admit they have a problem. If not no matter how many pills you take they will find a way to get more. It is also a federal offense to take someone else's medication so if you did take it she could have you arrested. In other instances it can be more dangerous to take medication away than slowly tapering off of them. Like anything we put into our system our tolerance builds up and can effect us in different ways. I would listen to her and discuss why she feels that she needs to be on the medications rather than playing bad cop in this situation. Encourage her to get help and let her know you re there for her."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away?", "questionText": "My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.", "answerText": "Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her.Unless your friend feels like stopping pills, taking them away will mean she finds them some place else.The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted.Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life.Her problem is bigger than your ability to care.If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills.This is not a guarantee that she'll stop.It isa way of you showing that you care about her.Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her.Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you.Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself. Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away?", "questionText": "My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.", "answerText": "Hello! Thank you for your question. I have a worked with many people who have become addicted to benzodiazepines, like Clonazepam. It is a difficult road for people who are trying to become clean. It is also a very difficult road for those who love the person and are trying to be supportive. During those times, it is important to remember to take care of yourself, too. As for taking your friend's pills, my concern would be the legal ramifications that you could face should you ever be caught with someone else's prescription medication, and especially these types of medications. Our laws have become much more strict surrounding prescription drug sales and possession due to the increase in prescription drug abuse. In addition, people who are in active addiction are likely to find some other means to get their drug, so it would do little to help the overall problem. I don't know about your friend's family situation, but they may be a better route to take if you are concerned about your friend. They may already be involved, but with your helpyoumaybe able to convince your friend to go to treatment willingly. That is usually better. In many states, there are also involuntary committal processes where a person's family may be able to convince a court to force the person into treatment. This varies from state to state. If your friend's family is not aware of this option, it may be something to look into. It usually does take a relative, or a medical provider, to begin this process if it is available. I hope this was helpful, and I wish you and your friend well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "My brother is an addict. He has does nothing but ruin my family. I don't know how to cope with it anymore", "questionText": "My brother has been a heroin addict for years, and hes now in his mid-30s. He has taken from me my mom and my grandparents. He's sick in the head. Now he moved his girlfriend into the house because they both manipulated us. Today, my mom and my brother went toe-to-toe over his girlfriend not helping around the house and always being high. I ended up hitting my brother for getting so close to my mom's face. I feel terrible, but he's always picking his girlfriend over us. Mind you, he tells other girls that he hates his girlfriend, he's single, and she's only living here because he feels bad. We tried kicking them out and everything, but nothing is working. They do nothing to try and help.", "answerText": "I think the best thing for you is to speak with someone on how you can best cope with the situation. It can be challenging living in a household with someone who is currently addicted. It is also important that you realize that you can only work on yourself. Other individuals need to take the same accountability. Enabling often happens in households with addiction. It can be a challenging environment to live in."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop abusing alcohol?", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "What an important question. I'm hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for concern. While there can be negative stigma about using substances, for the most part substance use is an attempt to cope with emotional distress in the absence of sufficient coping strategies. We all look for comfort when we are in pain and this may be the way that you are getting comfort - even though it is also hurting you. In order to stop using alcohol and weed you will need a lot of support and you will need to learn other ways of getting comfort when you are in pain or struggling with bipolar related symptoms.There is nothing to be ashamed of and we all need help when we are struggling. I would encourage you to reach out for support in any way that you can.Have you talked with your health care providers about your concerns or friends or family members?Here are some links of resources in Whistler that may be helpful:http://www.vch.ca/locations-and-services/find-health-services/?program_id=11035http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/service/9509054_9509054/whistler_mental_health_and_addictionshttp://mywcss.org/programs/counselling-assistance/http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/organization/9489472/alcoholics_anonymous_aa___squamishwhistler"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop abusing alcohol?", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "You may feel hopeless but YOU are not hopeless. Addictions of any sort are difficult to overcome, especially when they serve to bury pain and suffering that one is experiencing. It is not impossible to overcome alcohol or drug use/abuse/dependence on your own, but you will likely find much greater success with the help of a therapist or other support system such as rehabilitation or Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest doing a bit of research to see what type of helpis available and feasible for you in your area and go from there. Know that recovery takes time, willingness, and effort. Don't give up and remember that you are not hopeless. You can make the choice to change your habits and learn new ways of healthy coping. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop abusing alcohol?", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "Anyone who wants to change their life path, eventually will be successful in this. How to stop abusing alcohol involves a few steps, most of them time consuming, with slow progress and very often with tremendous emotional pain.The basic path is to figure out what motivates you to drink too much and be addicted to weed. Almost always, addictions are rooted in the person having suffered feeling deeply ignored, humiliated, shamed, invisible, nothing very pleasant, since a very young age, usually starting around 18 months.Most often addicts are sensitive people who have been emotionally overburdened by the grownups in their family.With no outlet for emotional expression or nurturing, the frustration goes inward until the emotional pain feels very big and without an outlet.So, people mask and numb by substances, whether this is food, chocolate, work, alcohol, weed.Therapy that is humanistic based, is a better fit than one which is drug oriented and diagnosis oriented.If you'd like getting serious about knowing who you are, including any unfair treatment of you during your growing up years, you can do this.Once you have a stronger self-respect and awareness, you would naturally avoid substances because they harm people. Harming oneself is the opposite of self-respect.Also, about your diagnosis, it may not be true at all. the US healthcare system loves selling drugs to people and clinicians in agencies and clinics are encouraged to find something wrong with people in order to find a new customer who will take drugs.See if you can find a therapist who is independent minded, and therefore free to interact therapeutically with you as a human being, not as a potential customer if they are able to label you as having something \"wrong\".This simply continues the long line of being shamed by others that created the addiction problem in the first place.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop abusing alcohol?", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop abusing alcohol?", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change. Frequently our problems keep us in denial. Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone. The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together. Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction. Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed.I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not. If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues. Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing. You can get control over these issues. The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop abusing alcohol?", "questionText": "I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.", "answerText": "You are not hopeless, as you can see there are many people who care about your well being and believe you can overcome this. I would suggest that you first get evaluated for your alcohol consumption. Alcohol is one of the addictions that you may need to seek inpatient treatment for. If not inpatient then be monitored by a doctor. Once you are evaluated and or complete inpatient treatment I would suggest you participate in a form of outpatient therapy on a consistent basis."}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter-in-law is smoking marijuana while pregnant", "questionText": "My new daughter-in-law just informed me that she is smoking marijuana while pregnant because of her morning sickness. Im in shock and I dont know how to respond. I just lost my mom, and she was good with advice.", "answerText": "Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic? When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions.Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law.Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation.Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law.It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better.Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way.Sending Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "There is some great advice here that can really help, but you need some direct support. Please find a caregiver support organization, a grief group and an individual therapist to help you during this trying time. Your mom may not know what she is saying, or mean the awful things she says, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Please take care of yourself and gt some help!"}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is challenging to see one's parents age and to cope with the new demands. Your mom means a lot to you, and that is why you get easily frustrated. I'm guessing that it is not that she is making you do work or that her expectations are non-important to you because if that were the case, you would not feel any guilt. Accepting the new stage will help you cope with the changes. Take a deep breath every time you feel frustrated and think of the good times you shared with your mom before her getting Alzheimer's. Remember that your mom as she was is no longer and that she has reverted to a more delicate phase. Also, schedule time for yourself and do things that help you relax. Caretaking of an elderly parent can take a toll on you, and it is essential to incorporate self-care. Finally, look for an Alzheimer's support group in your area that will help you connect with other people going through the same thing. You are a good daughter, and your mom is lucky to have you in her life.Sincerely, Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Being a caretaker can be very rewarding and demanding. This is not easy work, particularly when the person you are caring for is experiencing significant changes in behavior functioning. In your mom's case, it appears that her personality has drastically changed, and not just toward you. The first thing is to keep in mind that this is not personal to you. Your mom is experiencing cognitive degeneration, which impacts how a person perceives the world around them and how they respond to it. Educating yourself about Alzheimer's and how to take care of yourself as a caregiver may be very helpful.It is so important that you have support. It is challenging to take on the task of caring for a person. The adage, \"it takes a village to raise a child,\" is no different in this case. Maybe have breaks for caring for your mom and have someone else help. In those times, you get away, engaging in tasks and activities that are fun and exciting to you.It also may be beneficial to reach out to support groups of caregivers of those with dementia or Alzheimer's.Lastly, individual counseling for you will be so helpful. Talk through these experiences and develop coping strategies such as deep breathing, self-validation, wise mind, or safe/calm place."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Getting to the root of what about her request upsets and frustrates you the most. Does her asking ignite the realization of how much this condition has taken from her and subsequently you? When she asks for items, does it remind you of what this condition has truly done to her? Anger is a secondary emotion, once we address what the true emotion is we can work thru anger and frustration. Self-Forgiveness is also important, her condition impacts you, and your feelings are valid."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Let's acknowledge the fact that your mom has Alzheimer's and some who you know about her is not present sometimes. That's a part of the disease, we know. Let's also acknowledge that just because she has Alzheimer's doesn't mean that when that comes up for her a part of your brain does pauses or becomes something rubber so that what you experience during that time bounces off of you and doesn't get placed into your subcortical brain or deep limbic system. Your brain still takes in what is coming at you and that is tough. You are human and you have feelings and your feelings are present and they matter! You are right, it isn't her fault, it's a part of the disease. I often work with my clients in session on the present feelings through Brain/Bodyspotting to help cope with these feelings. If you know someone who does it, I would do a couple of sessions to notice the guilt, when it first came up, where you feel it in your body, what it does or tells you, or where it goes. In order for us to feel better, we can't avoid the experience, we have to give space for it, for your brain to work itself out. Hopefully that helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "My love lots of empathy for you and your mother. I am not sure if you are taking care of her or not, but it is difficult to see people we love change. I think that your anger speaks about you may be frustrated with the mother you cannot have right now. This is also a loss as well. Your mother and her condition may impact her more with time. I think it is important for you to seek support with medical providers for guidance. They may be able to offer you connection to support groups for family members. Your mother is experiencing an illness that is also changing your life. If you are unable to be connected, find a therapist on your own to support you through your own feelings. Wish you the best for you and your mother."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is hard to watch our parents age, especially when Alzheimer's is involved. I echo what others have recommended regarding the need for support for you as you deal with the changes that are going on physically and mentally for your mother. Alzheimer's steals so much, and when your mother is nasty or asking for things that seem nonsensical to you it can be hard to show love and patience. It is normal to feel anger, frustration, and guilt when you are faced with uncertainty, not knowing what your mother will be like or act like from day to day. I am not sure if you take care of her in your home or if you have placed her in a facility that cares for her. If the latter is the case, utilize the help of the facility's social worker. They are there to help you adjust to the changes you are experiencing while also helping to meet the psychosocial needs of your mother.It is okay to take a break as a caregiver, give yourself permission to have time away from the frontlines of care. When you can connect with an Alzheimer's Support Group, allow the group to help you. Share your frustration, these will be people who are walking in similar shoes and can help you find peace with the role you play at this stage of your mother's life. When you do spend time with your mother, take time to prepare your heart and mind for what you may experience. Remember that what your mother says and does is not coming from a place of knowing the consequences any longer. That can help when it feels like she aims to hurt or to willfully be mean to you or others.Finally, take time to make peace with anything that feels unfinished in regard to the life and memories you have shared with your mother. When Alzheimer's takes over a loved one's faculties I have seen many families struggle to try to find ways to make peace with this. No one plans for a parent to get Alzheimer's, how could they? Having an outlet to express grief, anger, and guilt can go a long way in helping you to cope with an uncertain future. I hope there is something in these words that encourages you as you care well for your mother."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "It's a good question man, and it must be terrible to see your mother in the state she's in.Understand that Alzheimer's is due to under-performing function of kidneys, adrenals, and connective tissue strengtheners; all of which may be corrected with appropriate protocols that are inexpensive and generally simple to follow.Imagine it like a flower that is not fed properly: A once, beautifully blossom flower APPEARS to be wilting, but it's life-force, spirit, and essence remain fully there and present. And your mom hears you.Let's clean her out, and see her smile return."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Make sure that you continue to treat your Mom with respect. However, you also need to make sure that you have time away from her so that the stress of caring for her doesn't overwhelm you. Balance is the key!"}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "You have the answer already. It is not your mom's fault. Always remember that in spite of the disease, that human being you call mom is still there. To cope with the feelings of frustration, anger, and guilt, practice accepting what is at this time. Bring peace to these feelings and commit to move on to provide your mom love. If you can, use mindfulness meditation to stay focus and calm your brain."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "It is very difficult to move from being the child to be the care giver as in your situation. Your mother's behavior as you describe it is a part of this disease. As the disease progresses and she is less aware of the present including her surroundings and who she is speaking to. Your response of anger and frustration are understandable. It is also a part of the grief process as you see you mother slipping away mentally. In the moment that you feel the anger step away, take some deep breathes and give yourself time to calm down. Then return to whatever you were doing with her. Caregivers of Alzheimer's patients need a lot of support themselves. There are support groups as well as respite services available in many areas that will help you understand the process that each of you is going through. You can get more information about Alzheimer's disease and local resources by going to www.alz.org"}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "When you feel the frustration and anger building inside you have that be a trigger for you to remember a feeling that you want to experience instead of anger, frustration and guilt, for example understanding. Then say that word to yourself as you take deep breaths. But know that this is normal for caregivers/family members to have these reactions because it is also an emotional roller coaster for you. Even though it is normal it is still good to try to respond differentyl and I commend you for doing that. You also may want to look for a Caregiver Support group which will help you hear from others who also respond this way."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Let me first say that I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is a symptom of an ugly disease, but that does not make experiencing it any easier. If your mother was a sweet and understanding lady, I am sure this change in personality feels awful! On the other hand, if your relationship with her has always been difficult this can definitely open up old wounds and anger.I have walked alongside many families as they care for a loved one with Alzheimer's disease. It is unfortunately common to see mothers become cruel and mean toward their daughters. In your case, it sounds like she is not directing her anger at just you. While this may feel less personal, I am sure it makes finding supportive care for her very difficult. I have several quick tips that might help you cope with this situation.1. Stay tuned in to your level of anger and frustration. If you can limit the amount of time you or anyone else is with your mother you can limit the caregiver burnout. It is completely NORMAL to feel what you are feeling!! However, these are the feelings that can lead to acting out and abuse when not acknowledged. It doesn't sound like this is the case for you, but healthy boundaries and exercising respite will help with your feelings of guilt as well. So, rotate care as much as possible.2. If you find yourself arguing with your mom, STOP. Don't worry, we have all been there before. No need to feel guilty, but this only serves to agitate someone. None of us enjoys being wrong and getting into an argument. For those of us who are able to logically engage with others, sometimes this type of interaction is necessary. Alzheimer's disease has robbed your mother of her logic, therefore arguing with her will only make matters worse. Try redirecting her instead. For tips on how to do this check out Teepa Snow (teepasnow.com)3. Take care of yourself and seek support. Support groups and counseling are a great way to tend to your needs during this long journey. Caregiving can be overwhelming, lonely and heartbreaking. You don't have to go through this alone. Check out Alz.org for support groups in your area."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "From your initial description, I would say that your mother is \"Maloriented\". In this stage of Alzheimer's individuals tend to be blaming and difficult to deal with. They may often hide or throw things away and then blame family members for this. In addition, if they are incontinent, they may blame a leaky roof or something else when they are wet. You are correct that this is not her fault, but often for family members this does not make it any easier for you to cope.I strongly suggest that you learn communication strategies that will help you to communicate with your mother in a way that lets her work through the difficulties associated with the disease. I always suggest Validation techniques to family members.In addition, you need to give yourself some kind attention and take time out from your circumstances as needed. You need to be able to center yourself and come to acceptance that this is your mother's illness that is the problem, not her and certainly not you."}, {"questionTitle": "No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isnt her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?", "answerText": "Yes, certainly your mom's difficulty in having meaningful conversations with people results from the Alzheimer's disease process which weakens her brain function.Feeling a sense of guilt in relation to a parent, is pretty common for everyone.This is because as little kids and babies, we had a strong reliance on a parent and believing every word they sad and wishing to follow each action they ask or demand, was for the benefit of our own survival.One way of coping with your feeling of guilt is to examine it.Ask what it is you're feeling guilty about?Chances are that your sense of guilt is less due to what you're currently saying or doing to help your mom.Very likely, your guilt feeling is awakening the sense of obligation that you and all of us feel toward a parent simply because parents seem to have unquestionable power when we are very young.After all, you're thoughtful enough to write a question, so chances are great that you're already actively involved in caring for your mom."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to deal with my boyfriend's father", "questionText": "We rent from from my boyfriend's parents. His father drops by unannounced and stays for long periods of time. He lets himself into our home when we aren't there on a daily basis and takes our dogs to his house. He picks up our mail. He has NO boundaries. He's an opinionated, rude pushy person. He expects to spend every weekend around us, gives unsolicited advice on child rearing and does not respect our privacy at all. He barges in with no warning. He has a key and lets himself into our house without asking permission. I need help. How do I address this?", "answerText": "He has NO boundaries. That says it all! Enforce strict boundaries, set them,and abide by them. Do not bend. What does your boyfriend say about his fathers intrusiveness? This video on Boundaries Could be helpful. Also is there a chance you can move to have more privacy and peace?Boundaries"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know how to deal with my boyfriend's father", "questionText": "We rent from from my boyfriend's parents. His father drops by unannounced and stays for long periods of time. He lets himself into our home when we aren't there on a daily basis and takes our dogs to his house. He picks up our mail. He has NO boundaries. He's an opinionated, rude pushy person. He expects to spend every weekend around us, gives unsolicited advice on child rearing and does not respect our privacy at all. He barges in with no warning. He has a key and lets himself into our house without asking permission. I need help. How do I address this?", "answerText": "You're expecting reasonable behaviors from your boyfriend's father.Since the father is his, your boyfriend is the person in position to speak directly with his dad about the expectations you and he have of the father.If your boyfriend has a good relationship w his dad, which is not what this sounds like, then great!If your boyfriend has a stressed and tense relationship w his dad, then somehow he needs to develop or be coached and encouraged by the people in his life who truly care about and know him, a way to state the very reasonable standards you describe here.If all else fails, then a new living space is always another possibility!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister?", "questionText": "I dont love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but Id rather be with my friends than be with her at all. Its not just a \"teenager phase.\" I still love my mom and dad, and Im very close to them. However, its my sister I dont love or have ever really liked at all.", "answerText": "Not liking someone is not cruel - even if it is a family member. There is nothing wrong with you for not liking your sister. Some people are fortunate to have siblings that they get along with really well, other don't. We all have different personalities and we are not going to like everyone - even if they are related. In fact, sometimes being related makes it harder because you know all of each other's flaws and imperfections. With that being said - it may be worth it to make an effort to talk about the things that get in the way of having the kind of relationship that you might ideally want with your sister. Sometimes it is hard to like someone if we have a lot of old frustration and resentment and being able to talk about it in a constructive and kind way can lead to more understanding and respect, and sometimes actually liking each other."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister?", "questionText": "I dont love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but Id rather be with my friends than be with her at all. Its not just a \"teenager phase.\" I still love my mom and dad, and Im very close to them. However, its my sister I dont love or have ever really liked at all.", "answerText": "No one can force emotions. Its fine to not love your sister.You may make some discoveries about yourself and your relationship with your sister by studying the reasons for why you're not close.Usually this has something to do with how the parents positioned the kids. Some parents obviously favor one child over another, and this would heavily influence how the kids view each other once they are grown people.The patterns of interaction set down during our growing up years stay with us until we change them consciously.Its possible your sense of not loving your sister started in your early years.You now have a chance to know your sister through your grown up eyes, or not.Either way, you still may decide you don't love her."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister?", "questionText": "I dont love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but Id rather be with my friends than be with her at all. Its not just a \"teenager phase.\" I still love my mom and dad, and Im very close to them. However, its my sister I dont love or have ever really liked at all.", "answerText": "Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship.How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do when my family doesn't accept my sexuality?", "questionText": "I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Sending you healing vibes as you endure their being unaccepting. I wanted to share this video about coming out Coming OutI know it is hard when those we love do not accept us as we are. One thing to ask, is this something that you need their approval around? Owning who you are regardless of what others say sometimes helps. This may not be a part of your life you can share with them. We all have areas we have strong beliefs. Ideally, they would accept you no matter what but that does not seem to be the case. Deciding if this is a deal-breaker, or can you work around it, not sharing this part of your life, and understanding we cannot force people to embrace what they do not want to embrace. You get to live your life as you see fit and be happy. You deserve joy and to live authentically! If you are confident in your choice, choose your choice, own that, and set boundaries around it. You do not have to live your life for others. Loving yourself and being convicted in your choice regardless of others will be beneficial. Many in your situation have created a soul family of people who accept and love them or who they are, and you deserve that community. Stay Safe, and always do what would keep you safe, and with the necessities you need."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do when my family doesn't accept my sexuality?", "questionText": "I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?", "answerText": "Many people do not accept the reality of gender beyond male and female.Obviously if your family doesn't accept your questioning status then this feels painful.All you really can do is continue your self-examination and know you're in a non-supportive family of doing so.To know the truth about your surroundings is much better than to not know, and also much better than pretending you are not in your current phase of gender expression questioning."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do when my family doesn't accept my sexuality?", "questionText": "I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?", "answerText": "They would probably be helpful to speak with a local mental health professional about this, not because there's anything wrong with the real you, but because having these conversations can be difficult and you may choose to talk about your real self in different ways with different people.Maybe you could talk about your concerns with your significant other and discuss different ways you may be able to discuss your relationship that fit with how each of you defines your love for one another.Because you are saying openly that you are gay, and it sounds like you already identify yourself as gay, as compared to considering being transgender \"soon,\" it may be worth considering disclosing the fact that you are gay now and disclosing the idea that you are transgender after you have worked through that yourself. I would like for you to be able to be true to yourself and show the real you. It could also be that you already know that you are transgender, but with the way that you phrased it here, I'm not certain.Here is a link to a hotline that you may want to consider using. The Trevor Project is about helping teenagers who identify as LGBTQ:http://www.thetrevorproject.org/Here is another national site where you may be able to find a local chapter:https://www.pflag.org/I don't know what you mean when you said that your family will not accept you, but since you are concerned about your family's reaction, I would suggest that it may be helpful to have a therapist or some other support in place before telling your family. The decision of whether or not to wait longer to tell them is ultimately yours, but I wonder if you have a likelihood of explaining what you are experiencing in a way that would be truer to you and also perhaps easier for your family to follow if you had time to process it with supportive people first.Please remember that you are not alone in this. There are people in the world who can and will accept you for who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't my mom ever be proud of me?", "questionText": "She constantly tells me what I am doing wrong. For once, I want her to be proud of me. Its like no matter what I do, she does not have one nice word to say to me. She is always hateful towards me and always has been.", "answerText": "The sum total of your value and worth does not get to be decided or measured by how your mother feels about you. Ideally, she would be supportive but that does not seem to be the case. Providing yourself with love, acceptance, validation, and knowing your worth and that you are valid despite her. She could have her own demons she is fighting and projecting (taking them out on) you.Typically whatever people throw at us is more of a reflection of them verses about us. When she says something that hurts you, rewrite it in your mind, and for your own sake mentally proves her wrong. I hope you can detach from the negative words she projects to you and see the great person you are at your very core, by your very existence.These two videos could be of great support.Help! My Parents are my BIGGEST TRIGGER!Self-Esteem & Worthiness Affirmations - Remember Your Worth and Value"}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't my mom ever be proud of me?", "questionText": "She constantly tells me what I am doing wrong. For once, I want her to be proud of me. Its like no matter what I do, she does not have one nice word to say to me. She is always hateful towards me and always has been.", "answerText": "I'm sad and heartbroken on your behalf.I'm very sorry your mom has such negative views on you.Please know that there must be some reason in her personal history or relationship life which drives her to criticize you so strongly.The natural dynamic is for a mother to love and nurture her child.Unless at some earlier point in your relationship with her, you caused some massive harm to her which would justify her indirect dislike for you, then the best way for you is to find supportive and loving other people who will to some degree make up for the harshness you hear from her.Also, read online about others who have similar situations because there may be good guidance on keeping yourself emotionally safe from how she treats you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It is understandable that it's very hard for you to hear daily complaints from your mother regarding the caregiving of your niece. You cannot change your mother's feelings and responsibilities, which could create feelings of frustration and helplessness. It must be equally hard for your mother to assume full responsibility for your niece at a time where your sister cannot take care of her. This type of responsibility usually produces an enormous amount of stress and pressure because your mother and niece would both need to adapt to this new relationship, living situation, and the feeling of being \"abandoned.\"Not knowing the history of your relationship with your mother and how you respond to each other in times of need, it may be difficult to fight the right recommendation on how to deal with this situation. Nonetheless, it is not easy to have to face daily complaints and you may have to set a healthy balance between empathy and boundary setting with your mother and some personal boundaries for yourself.It is likely that your mother's \"complaints\" may be her desperate cry for help because she does not know how to cope with stress or how to ask for the right kind of support. In this case, you could calmly and respectfully tell her the next time you hear her complain, \"This must be very difficult for you because I hear the stress in your voice almost everyday. It's very hard for me to hear you feeling so overwhelmed. I feel helpless in this situation and would like to suggest that it might be helpful for you to seek some professional help and support to deal with such a big matter of importance.\" When empathy and understanding is communicated, recipients are usually more open because they hear and feel the caring behind it and are more likely to seek additional help.After sharing this message of empathy and encouragement to seek help, the next step is to protect yourself by explaining to your mother where your limits are so that she understands what she can expect from you. This means that you can decide the kind of support or help you are willing to give your mother and/or niece that is within your ability to provide without feeling overwhelmed. This could involve inviting them to dinner occasionally, taking them out to see a movie or inviting your niece over to give your mother respite. You could then say to her if she complains again, \"I cannot change the way you feel in this situation and I encourage you to seek professional advice about that but what I could do is .........(explain what you could do to help).\"www.PsychologyResource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Then one day when life between you and mom feels calm, tell your mom that you aren't able to listen to her complaints about your sister.The truth exists whether or not it is acknowledged. Bu acknowledging what feels real and necessary in your life, you are helping your mom see what she may not like to see and what nevertheless is right in front of her.There is no good reason or good to come of hiding your own truth about not wishing to continue listening to your mom complain."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "This sounds stressful.You mentioned that you want to learn how to avoid them. I'm not sure whether you want to avoid them overall or if you would like to ask your mom to maybe only talk to you about it for a few minutes about your niece in each conversation that you have.Maybe you can connect your mom with some support. It sounds as if she has lost part of herself and/or is very stressed out and in talking with you about it because she trusts you enough for you to be someone she can speak openly, you are becoming stressed because of things that you cannot directly change. This is the presumptive based on the amount of information that you posted, but it sounds like there is a bit of a circle of stress here.I also wonder who you could talk with when you are stressed.It may be helpful to see a local mental health professional to help redefine some boundaries so you can have the type of relationship with your mother that you want without necessarily feeling stressed out by it every day."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "This sounds very stressful. Setting boundaries is important to maintaining a peace of mind. If you have not communicated your feelings to your family member, that would be a good first step. Communicate with the intent of simply expressing your feelings and your expectations going forward. Do not blame or shame because that will blur your intent. Going forward, consistently stick to your new boundaries. That may mean not picking up your phone for each call. Soon enough the message will be clear. Good luck."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Both you and your mom are in a tough spot. She has returned to parenting after she thought she had raised her kids, and while I am sure you'd like to be supportive, you recognize that listening to her complaints really does not help her and drains you. In addition to that, it sounds like Mom's complaining has become \"the\" conversation she has with you, leaving other, more fulfilling conversations out of your relationship.Think about what you want instead with your mom. More time with just her? A chance to offer true help,not just listen to complaints? When you have some idea of what you want, tell her. You can do this kindly and respectfully, with a concern for both her and your relationship with her. It might go something like this...\"Mom, you really have your hands full. Sis dumped your grandbaby on you and I bet this isn't how you imagined grandparenting would look. It's got to be hard and I am not sure how I can be helpful. Beyond that, I really miss talking to you about other things. So, Mom, is there something I can do that would be helpful? If not, let's talk about something else\".In addition to that, if your mom is open to other resources, help her find them - she needs some emotional support from a non-family member.Good luck to you both - and to your niece. It is a hard situation for you all."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It is difficult to implement healthy boundaries when the person is a parent or family member. I would encourage you to identify how it makes you feel after talking with your mother. Work on establishing healthy boundaries where you do not feel obligated to engage the complaining daily. Maybe setting a time limit to talk with your mother and practicing how to be assertive and not disrespect or aggressive. Helping your mother understand how you feel using \"I\" statements i.e ( I feel _____ when you call to talk about my sister). Maybe asking your mom how can you be supportive of her during this time other than listening to her vent. It may also be helpful for your mother to get connected with support groups to help her cope with this life change."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Buy the book \"Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.\" Read it. Apply it.Seriously, I'm not joking. You're not wrong to \"not want to hear it anymore\" but if you don't maintain healthy boundaries, you will allow your family to make you feel guilty for \"not wanting to hear it anymore\". That's not fair to you.Give a copy to your mom, too. No, I didn't write the book nor do I have any affiliation with it - I simply recommend it because it's a wonderful book and it helped me out a lot. I recommend it to a lot of people. It should be required reading!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "This sounds like a possible boundary issue. Boundaries are important in relationships. They are invisible lines that we will or will not cross. It is up to us to create and hold them. We have the ability to rethink them and change them as needed. It sounds like you have thought it through and would like to makes changes in the relationship between your mother and you. In the main question, you want to avoid the family member, however in the following comment, it sounds like you may just want the avoid that conversation, not so much your mother.Once we review the issue and decide what we need (create the boundary), I suggest opening talking with the person when everyone is calm (not in the middle of a stressful moment when we often are unable to focus and hear the other person). Always understanding that we had time to think about this issue and the other person has not (catching them off guard). State clearly your need. Such as \"I am not comfortable with hearing about my sister. It stresses me out. I would appreciate it if you would not bring it up anymore. If you do, I will not respond and I will change the subject \" It is important to use \"I\" statements. I feel\" this way\". I will \"do this\". We only have power over our actions. Also when we use \"you \" comments, the other person can become defensive and unable to hear what we are saying.Once we let ourselves know what we need, then let the other people know our new boundary, then it is up to us to follow through. We will make mistakes. Not follow through every time with our boundary. That is okay. Start again. It gets easier with practice. It is also appropriate to reconsider and change your boundary as needed. Just let the others know when you need to change it. Remember, they can not read our minds.I wish you much strength and hope the best for you and your family.www.parishhealthandwellness.com"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Set firm boundaries. Either you can say she can complain for X number of minutes and no more, you change the subject or let her go to voicemail, she can leave as many as she wants and you dont have to listen, you can delete them. The boundary could be that you do not hear her complaining at all. Boundaries are hard to set harder to enforce but worth the effort of setting them and sticking by them! This video on Boundaries could be beneficial."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It sounds as though there is a need to establish some healthy boundaries with your mother. Simply put, a boundary is a line or space between you and another person. It is also a way of defining what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable. When working with clients, I teach them that there are 4 Rules to Setting Healthy Boundaries. First, the boundary must be clear and definable. Think of a boundary like lines on a football field. The other person needs to know when they are \"in bounds\" or if they have stepped \"out of bounds.\" Second, the other person must be told about the boundary. It's not fair for me to enforce a consequence if I've never told you about the boundary. Third, there must be a consequence for violating the boundary. This is often the place where people struggle. It's important to identify a consequence that is appropriate and proportionate to the violation. Finally, the fourth (and most important) rule is \"If you are not willing to follow rule #3, don't bother with any of this. The reason the fourth rule is so important is that if someone violates my boundary and I refuse to enforce the consequence, I've basically told them that my boundaries mean nothing.You are well within your rights to establish a boundary with your mother. You are not her therapist. Remember to communicate your boundary to her in a way that is clear and unambiguous. Also, make sure that you enforce the consequence in the event that she doesn't adhere to your boundaries."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Heard of Voice Mail? Or Blocking a Number. Email. Stay busy ... be kind but text instead,,,"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Learning how to set healthy boundaries can be life changing! Assertiveness training will help you in all facets of your life. A therapist can help you figure out how much interaction is too much, how to say no and set healthy boundaries, and how to prioritize your needs so you don't become resentful or burned out."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "An easy answer would be to not pick up the phone. But it's your mom! How can you not pick up the phone? So, have you tried telling your mom that this is not something you are willing to contain for her? Have you talked to her about how hearing about it makes you feel? Do you feel safe enough with your words to disclose that to your mom? Try being honest about how much this situation has taken away from the family system and how it's impacted the family system. It sounds like your mom is looking for an ally, and it sounds like you are not emotionally available to hold that anymore. Find someone to dump what your mom is dumping on you, plus your own stuff. We Therapists are really good containers, let us hold it for you. Hopefully this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Creating healthy boundaries is very helpful but also very difficult at times. Especially, when were setting boundaries with family members. A good way to start is to hear your mother and validate her concerns. Let her know that you hear her complaints and can see why some of her concerns may be upsetting. By first validating gives her the opportunity to feel understood. Its also could potentially help with setting boundaries. Communicate how you feel respectfully yet firmly. This will let her know that you respect her feelings and points of view. However, would prefer not to be in the middle of whats sounds like a tough situation."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It can really be difficult to listen to someone constantly complain and it can take a lot of emotional energy to be the listening ear to someone struggling. Perhaps having a conversation with your mother about making the communication more productive in nature. It seems like your mother is obviously having some difficulties and she is stuck, therefore making you stuck listening to complaints on repeat. Explain to her the impact it has on you to listen to the complaining and not working towards changing things or coming to a level of acceptance or even making the conversation mutual, such as her being there for you. This may or may not help her to come around, but at least it can open up the conversation and be an effort towards initiating a change."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "These are common challenges that involve setting healthy boundaries with family, as well as friends and co-workers. Therapy can help you to define, establish and enforce boundaries between self and others by being assertive. This involves determining what things make you uncomfortable and how to communicate that with assertive, not passive, not aggressive, actions and language."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "It is important to set boundaries with those that stress you out. I encourage people to validate the other persons feelings by saying \"I am sorry you are going through this.\" Then, to set the boundary bye stating what you need from them or what you are trying to do with your life to destress and that you can't be a listening ear right now. This will need to be a repeated conversation, but over time you will notice less stress."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "Sounds like it is time to set some boundaries with your mom. You can do this by letting her know that you understand how she is feeling and you understand that she is under a tremendous amount of stress. Validate her feelings and words. After you do that, tell her how hearing about it daily is affecting you let. Let her know that it is hard for you to hear how stressed she is, how hard it is you to have these daily calls. Let her know that you are feeling stressed about her own well being. You can then suggest that she find a therapist to speak to about how she is feeling and what she is going through. I suggest writing out what you want to say, before you say it. Practice saying it a few times so that it flows naturally when you do have the conversation with her.Also, when you start setting boundaries with people they don't usually like it. They give some sort of push back either by expressing disappointment or anger towards you. This has nothing to do with you. This is them having a hard time hearing and accepting the boundary you are setting. The other thing people tend to do when you set a boundary is to test it. In this situation it might look like your mom calling you the next day as if the two of you never had the conversation. In this situation it falls on you to set the boundary again, by having the same conversation again with her. Over time she will accept the boundary and she will be OK with it."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I avoid family members who stress me out?", "questionText": "My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", "answerText": "I just want to understand before I answer. Who exactly is complaining?"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that this was your experience with your family. I truly wish Icould give you some things to say to them that would change their reaction, but unfortunately I can't do that. Their acceptance of youis a journey, just like coming out is a journey for you. Sometimes families initially respond this way, but after time they become more accepting and even supportive. Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure if that will happen. So, here are a few things I would suggest:Surround yourself with people and things that remind you that you really are okay as you are. That won't take the place of your family's acceptance, and I won't even pretend that it would, but it may help during those days when it hurts the most. And that is really important. Patience is not something that many of us are really good at, but this type of situation sometimes forces you to have some. When families first learn something like this, they may go through a period of shock. And then sometimes even grieving. They may even be worried if they are of a particular religion where being bisexual is forbidden. These things can take time for them to reconcile, so it may just take some patience. If it is safe for you, try to talk to them, but if it becomes painful or hurtful then you have the right to walk away. I do recommend setting upsome personal boundaries for yourself, and perhaps learn some assertiveness skills if you feel you struggle with them. The reason I feel that this is important is that people sometimes take a lot of abuse from family members and friends in times like you're describing. They may want to be accepted so much that they put themselves in hurtful positions over and over again hoping that their families will come around. They may, or they may not. And if they don't, you deserve to live a life free of abuse and to feel confident and assured of who you are. To be surrounded by folks who remind you of that.If you startseeing this pattern and you are struggling, chatting withcounselor may be a great idea. I am bias probably, but I think chatting with a counselor is ALWAYS a good idea. :)Hope this helps. Be well. Be you. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "Sending you healing vibes as you endure their being unaccepting. I wanted to share this video about coming out Coming OutI know it is hard when those we love do not accept us as we are. One thing to ask, is this something that you need their approval around? Owning who you are regardless of what others say sometimes helps. This may not be a part of your life you can share with them. We all have areas we have strong beliefs. Ideally, they would accept you no matter what but that does not seem to be the case. Deciding if this is a deal-breaker, or can you work around it, not sharing this part of your life, and understanding we cannot force people to embrace what they do not want to embrace. You get to live your life as you see fit and be happy. You deserve joy and to live authentically! If you are confident in your choice, choose your choice, own that, and set boundaries around it. You do not have to live your life for others. Loving yourself and being convicted in your choice regardless of others will be beneficial. Many in your situation have created a soul family of people who accept and love them or who they are, and you deserve that community. Stay Safe, and always do what would keep you safe, and with the necessities you need."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "To be able to accept, they need to be sensitized that being bisexual isnt wrong ! After sensitization too, they might not be able to accept but your life should move on. Self-acceptance is the key. Coming out in itself needs so much strength and courage, that which you have !"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "Acceptance is something we cannot control. I would work with someone who can do family systems, even if your family never comes to therapy, you still need to process how the system has changed, or maybe it hasn't changed, maybe there is more realization and you need to process that. I'm sorry they yelled, is that a common response to change in your family? Also, do you accept you? That's the first step! We can only accept the things that we cannot control. Maybe they are not aware of that! They are processing this \"new\" information. Are you willing to give it some time? Hopefully this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "Coming out to our family can be one of the scariest and bravest things we as LGBTQ do. Sadly, sometimes these family members may not understand or even become scared for us and can lash out by yelling. One thing you may do is to give them time to process their personal emotions. Another thing you may do is to offer to provide local resources such as PFLAG to help educate them. Finally, I would like to mention that you may need to also prepare for your family never accepting your sexuality. This may happen if your family has deep-rooted religious ideas about sexuality. Whatever happens, I would suggest that you create a support structure of the family that does understand, friends that are understanding, and even a counselor or minister to help you work through your personal emotions.Namaste"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "I am sorry to read that this happened to you. If your family is not supportive of you, this can be a huge challenge. Are you dependent on them in some way (financially, etc.)? This could affect choices you make at this point. Make sure you connect with a supportive community or people and organizations that are afforming of you and your identity. If you are unable to receive support from your family, you can lean on them if necessary. If you feel your family needs more information you can always refer them to appropriate websites and organizations that can help them to understand that this is natural and normal and learn the negative effects of non-affirming people in the life of LGBTQ+ individuals."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "I am so sorry to hear this has been your familys reaction. It is truly heartbreaking to hear. The important thing to remember is that your identity as bisexual is valid and you are worthy of love, no matter what other people say.The other therapists below have given you some great advice on how to cope with your family's reaction and how to manage the pain you are feeling. I wanted add to their responses by sharing a few resources on ways to connect with bisexual community.To know you are not alone. To see yourself reflected in others. To hear others stories of how they have coped. These things can help you stay strong during difficult times. I hope these resources can do some of that for you.Online blogs, resources, and stories: https://bisexual.org/, https://www.binetusa.org/Find a Bisexual support group: https://www.binetusa.org/bi-groups-in-the-usBisexual Podcast- https://www.binetusa.org/the-bicast Find Bi-Affirming Professionals in your area - http://bizone.org/bap/In Solidarity,-Lindsey"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "It sounds like your family responded out of fear! They may need some time to digest the information. This can be hard for a family to hear for several reasons but you should be proud that you had the courage to tell them. Once they realize how brave you were and how much you need their support they will come around. Maybe you can write them a letter (for them to read without you present). In the letter, you can tell them your struggles and maybe why you decided to tell them. A letter will give them a little more time to digest the information."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "It's most important that you accept yourself and surround yourself with a group of friends who are kind to you and love you. Family hearing news of any kind for the first time if they are an anxious type of character, will always be tough to digest. Time is important to let it all settle in and also making sure you're taking good care of yourself... I think you're brave and I give you a lot of credit for not denying who you are -- you will inspire so many people to do the same in your life. Wishing you all the best. Gina"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "That has to be incredibly difficult because you were very vulnerable and open about what you were feeling and I imagine the response was very hurtful.Here are a couple of things to do right now:Practice giving yourself some love. Bring your awareness to the room around you and some of the positive energy within you. As you become a bit centered, you're likely to be able to work through your emotions more easily.Surround yourself with people who do accept you. I'm hoping that you have friends or acquaintances who accept you as you are.You can also find some support here through this organization that often have events related to offering support:https://www.pflag.org/needsupport. I have not spoken with this organization directly, but they are often discussed in therapeutic trainings as a reputable organization.Related more specifically to your family, that change may take some time. There is often a large adjustment in families because of the huge variations in reactions and what each person thinks, feels, and believes.Consider talking with a local therapist about how to communicate more effectively with your family, as there are a lot of variables there, so it is difficult to give you specific ideas in this format.Remember, there are lots of people who accept you as you are right now."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "I'm sorry your family had such an upsetting response to your news.Maybe eventually they will come around to greater acceptance of you. If this was the first time they heard this fact about your sexuality, the information may have overwhelmed them.It is up to the family members now to realize they handled their reaction in a way which may have upset you.Whether or not they do this, you still can be sure you did what was necessary and in your hands to tell them such key information about you."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?", "questionText": "After I told them, they yelled at me.", "answerText": "There are a lot of ways one could go about handling this kind of conflict. It is hard to know which way might be advisable if we don't know quite why they would yell (or, why would they care who you choose to sleep and/or partner with to begin with?)However, it is of utmost important that you accept yourself as bisexual, and sometimes that is easier said than done. But, when you are able to get to that acceptance that you are not in the majority in society as far as sexual orientation goes, and all that comes with that, and perhaps other issues you might have with it, it will be significantly easier for you to tolerate your family's lack of acceptance, and perhaps chalk it up to a severe lack of open-mindedness.But because it is family, and we don't choose our families but are forced to deal with them for the most part for better or worse (admittedly I'm not the biggest fan of outright estrangement), processing the loss of \"the family that I hoped I had\" will also be important for you moving forward in your life. You likely will be able to realize you don't need them to accept your sexual orientation for you to live a healthy and happy life. Perhaps when they see that they can't change you, they will actually just learn to accept it."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it okay to date my ex-boyfriends cousin?", "questionText": "I have been dating my ex-boyfriends cousin for a few years. We have gotten pretty serious. He wants to cut it off because people are giving him a hard time that our kids will be related to my ex.", "answerText": "Does your boyfriend agree with the other people's opinions or is the problem that he feels that doing what they want will be an easy way to stop hearing them say what he doesn't like hearing?Talk through whether he actually believes what the others are telling him or figures that complying will make them stop bothering him.Once the two of you understand what, if any, the differences are in the opinions you each have on the double relationship status, you'll be more clear whether the differences can be aligned somehow."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with the stress of my mother?", "questionText": "My mom is always bossy and treats me like a child even though I'm in my 20s. She argues with me over stupid stuff.", "answerText": "This sounds like a pretty difficult dynamic and I am sorry to hear how it is impacting you.I would encourage you to try and observe the relationship from an outside perspective to begin with. Try to see what it is that causes your mom to be upset (such as you responding in a tone of voice she doesn't like) and see if there is something you could change on your end. If you are able to change something, like your tone of voice, start there. You could also try asking what you could do to help, perhaps she is frustrated that the trash wasn't taken out. You could also sit down and try to hash things out with her, if you feel like that could be beneficial.Ultimately, you are only in charge of you. The things you say, your behaviors, are all controlled by you. So it is important to recognize that no matter what, you can't control what she says or does. Obviously the things we say or do can impact others, which is why you are frustrated over her behavior. But remember that you are able to only control yourself.Seeking therapeutic intervention could also be beneficial for you, and even having her join in to help. I hope you are able to figure something out and I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "How am I supposed to feel when I forgive someone?", "questionText": "My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face.", "answerText": "How someone feels when they forgive another, is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong, who was responsible for what in the situation, and clarity on their own motivation, actions, emotions including pain, regret, resentment, sadness.These steps ideally allow a new door to open in order to develop new paths in the existing relationship or accept that this will not be possible due to either person's way of handling themselves.The long answer would be that you're not yet through with this process.I commend you on being truthful with yourself about yourself.You're on the right track by expecting to feel resolved when you've reached resolution, and not before.Finding patience with the unpredictable amount of time needed to thoroughly examine all the details of the incidents you mention, sometimes is a frustration of its own.Keep up your good work of knowing your own life.It is a worthwhile endeavor!"}, {"questionTitle": "How am I supposed to feel when I forgive someone?", "questionText": "My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face.", "answerText": "Hi Cleveland, I think I get what you're feeling. You're scared that if you forgive your mom, that would mean it wasn't so bad, or she'll think it's okay to do it again, or she won't realize how hurt you are.I invite you to look at forgiveness in a different way. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean what she did was okay. Not at all. Forgiveness can mean \"I accept what she did, and I don't want to live in her worst moments constantly. I want to put it down and move past it because I want her in my life, because fear and resentment interfere with my relationship with her, and mostly because I'm tired of carrying them (fear and resentment) around constantly.\"You can forgive your mom for yourself, not for her.If there is evidence that your mom wants to respect you moving forward, then it might be worth it to risk putting down the resentment and the grudge that you think you need to protect yourself.Your ability to draw boundaries with her in the present is your biggest protector; let her know in the present what hurts you, and notice her responses.You don't have to say it to her face. Saying it to yourself is more important. Again, forgiving your mom helps you...it reduces your own burden of fear and resentment, leaving space for better things."}, {"questionTitle": "Escalating disagreements between mother and wife", "questionText": "My wife and mother are having tense disagreements. In the past, theyve had minor differences. For example, my wife would complain to me my mother is too overbearing; my mother would complain my wife is lazy. However, its intensified lately. I think the cause is my wife talked back to her once. Now, any little disagreement is magnified, leading to major disagreements. What can I do?", "answerText": "One choice is for you and your wife to decide together what are reasonable ways and expectations to have of your mother.From what you write it sounds like your wife and you have differences as to what is the proper and right way to talk with your mother.Once the both of you agree on overall philosophy and some specific details for examples, then ask your mother to make time for all three of you to discuss together the expectations and standards you and your wife would like to see happen.This is only the first step since it is possible and likely that at least on a few points, your mother will disagree and have different views.These need to be discussed and integrated into an overall plan which all three of you are happy to live with."}, {"questionTitle": "My sister and my husband had an affair", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "First thing that you must realize is that most people only post the \"best parts\" of their lives on Facebook, some people even go so far as to make their lives seem better or more interesting and post mostly false views of their life. Facebook is watered down, candied version of our life, you put on there only what you want people to see. The questions you should ask is \"How have I grown from this?\", Is my marriage currently in a good place? I really wish there was some form of magic that could be performed to solve peoples issues and help them sort out their emotions and troubles, however there is not, the closest we can get is by using {time and insight} to heal our wounds."}, {"questionTitle": "My sister and my husband had an affair", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Emotional pain is different from physical pain that way, isn't it? Even many years later, an old wound can be ripped open again by a small trigger.You were betrayed by two people close to you. That's a complex injury. I don't know whether you're still in the marriage or not, or whether your sister is still in your life. Perhaps not, as your contact with her seems to be through watching her facebook activity.I'm curious about why you're just now seeing her facebook posts again. Are you feeling more open lately to seeing how she's doing in her life? I guess if you were open to having your sister even in the periphery of your life again, you will have to figure out how to handle those triggers. If you can't, maybe consider unfollowing her or detaching from facebook for a while.So your sister is happy, or she at least appears happy. Your mind might go to some unhelpful places, like \"She doesn't regret the affair\" (you don't know that), \"She doesn't deserve happiness\" (that would be a harsh judgement), or \"She doesn't care that I'm hurt\" (again, there's no evidence of that). Where does your mind go? It's important to identify your worst thoughts in connection to her.When you have those worst thoughts identified, ask yourself \"What evidence supports that thought as truth?\" It's likely that either there's no evidence, or that the truth is so far from you that you can't know what she's feeling or thinking, which makes having those thoughts pretty futile.A therapist can help you determine what emotions are being triggered here. It doesn't help you and your happiness to carry around resentment, ill wishes, or the need for revenge. Forgiveness is not about saying that something was \"okay\". It's about saying \"It happened. I accept that I can't change it, and I don't want to carry the emotional burden around all the time\". Forgiveness is putting it down. She... (trust me this is true)...she carries her own burden of shame for what she did. For you to spend time feeling angry doesn't affect her burden. It only adds to yours.Can you find the tender emotion under your anger? You're hurt. Validate that hurt. Honour that hurt. Take care of that hurt. You can stay away from people who disregard your needs, and you have the power to forgive those who make mistakes out of their simple humanity if you want them in your life.If you continue to struggle, please seek the help of a professional who can assist you in navigating these waters. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "My sister and my husband had an affair", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "What is going on in your life that brings up more sensitivity to the affair?The best way of handling your hurt is by noticing your own feelings and the current circumstances that increase your sense of pain.Concentrate on your own life and making your life the best it can be."}, {"questionTitle": "My sister and my husband had an affair", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "A mediated safe talk session between. You and your sister.Then, you and your husband have a mediated safe talk. So both hear what you feel in the respective relationships.Possibly the last step is a mediated safe talk with sister, husband and youcoversation, in the future."}, {"questionTitle": "My sister and my husband had an affair", "questionText": "It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", "answerText": "Affairs and infidelity are tough areas to address. The power of the affair comes from the feeling of injustice that seems to have happened to you. The struggle I notice people have is with the forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that is asked of you from your partner but also you have the power to give. I assume you want to forgive or have forgiven. However, the forgetting part is difficult.It seems that image of her happiness may have triggered something in you that isn't happy. I'm not sure how often you are triggered by her but it seems there is something there you need to process. The forgetting part sadly is difficult to put past your mind. However, it's being able to see the unfortunate situation they did and be able to walkthrough it even though it's painful. I think maybe speaking with a local therapist about this as it's often difficult to process alone. Also, see how you are feeling as days go on. Do you find yourself obsessed? If so, you may need to seek a professional counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I pick which parents house I want to live at?", "questionText": "My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places?", "answerText": "If you've already stated to your parents that you'd like your opinion to be considered, and listed the key areas you'd like them to keep in mind when making a final decision as to which house you will live, then you've done all you possibly and reasonably can do.Since you wrote that you have difficulty to decide in which parents home you prefer to live, then even if you had free choice of whose house in which to live, are you not better off with the decision made by them on your behalf?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I pick which parents house I want to live at?", "questionText": "My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places?", "answerText": "I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell my dad I'm a female-to-male transgender and I want to start binding?", "questionText": "I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad.", "answerText": "I admire your courage.If you are concerned about telling your dad regarding your gender identity, I would suggest a couple of things. There are a lot of groups or other supports for people who are working through some of the same changes that you may be going through now. I don't mean to convey that everyone thinks, feels, or acts the same by any means, but rather that it may be helpful to talk to others who have had some similar experiences.I was trying to include some links for you, but that particular button isn't functioning window. If you search for \"transgender support\" on Google, you'll find GLAAD and PFLAG, both of which are national organizations. This does not mean that you have to identify as \"transgender,\" but researching that term may help you to find both national and local resources.As far as telling your dad, if that is particularly concerning for you, I suggest either talking through the details with a local therapist or considering if you have a trusted friend or family member (one who will respect your privacy with regard to who you would like to know about what you are experiencing at this time) so that you can talk with some people to have support. This may help with two things: allowing you to find some support for yourself as you work through the changes that you are going through now and also possibly talking with someone who knows your dad and may be able to talk with you regarding how or when to tell him.One thing that I tell anyone who wants to discuss something that is very important to them is to ask the person they want to talk to whether this is a good time for an important conversation. That way, you have greater chances of having the person's attention and/or not needing to end the conversation quickly.Also, please remember that you know yourself best, as each of us does."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell my dad I'm a female-to-male transgender and I want to start binding?", "questionText": "I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad.", "answerText": "In part the answer depends on your age.If you are legally a minor, then consulting with a doctor for guidance on transitioning, will require your father or whoever else pays for your health insurance.The way to tell him if it is a necessity, and even if you are older and would like him to know your truth, is as follows.Know the reason for your hesitancy to speak with him.This way you can anticipate and to some degree rehearse your answers.Tell him the truth about your own difficulty to speak about the topic. People usually soften if they feel you appeal to their compassion and sensitivity.Also, accept that you may hear a bad reaction from him and be prepared for this possibility."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I tell my dad I'm a female-to-male transgender and I want to start binding?", "questionText": "I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. This is certainly a tough spot. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some colleagues will add some things. You may want to spend a few minutes calling to mind any conversations that you have had with your father about transgender issues, or if you have ever heard him talk about it. That may give you a small clue about how well he may accept this news from you. For example, if he has been watching the news lately, transgender rights is something that is being talked about a lot. Has he had an opinion? This won't tell you for sure if he would be okay with learning you are transgender, but at least you would know if there is hostility toward transgender people. To tell you the truth, the best way to tell your dad is whatever way feels right to you. There is no right or wrong way, best or worst. If you want to tell him when you are by yourself with him? That's perfect. Want to have a friend with you for support? Equally perfect. Whatever thing you need to do. And, of course, there is always the option of not telling him anything until you are comfortable doing so. Unfortunately, the response from your dad can't be predicted. Some parents are totally cool.... others not so much. This is one reason why having someone with your for support is sometimes a good idea. If things get heated, you have someone in your corner. There are therapists who specialize in affirmative therapy, and they may be very helpful to you in working out how you want to tell him. You can also Google some stories about how others came out.I refer many people to the www.letsqueerthingsup.com blog. It is a popular blog written by a trans man that I know. He writes on many topics related to trans issues. Hope some of these suggestions help. Be well... be you.. and good luck!Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do my parents always favor my sibling while acting like they do so much for me?", "questionText": "My parents hate me.", "answerText": "I'm sad for you to feel hated by your parents.Only they would know the reason for the discrepancy in how they treat you and your sibling.Know that every human being deserves love and respect.That they treat you less well than your sibling has reasons which you may or may not care to theorize on.Regardless of their reasons, their behavior toward you is not excusable.Protect your emotions and develop good relationships outside the family, like with friends and school mates.While you deserve their loving attention, there's nothing directly you can do to squeeze it from them.If they don't volunteer their love to you, then invest your goodwill into others who will enjoy and appreciate you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my mom and her girlfriend's breakup?", "questionText": "They broke up recently. She was a huge part of my life.", "answerText": "The possible pathways for you depend on whether you'd be wiling to be straightforward with both your mom and her gf about your own emotions about their breakup.Start by talking with your mom, because she has the more potent and the more long term relationship meaning in your life.Open the conversation as your genuine need for a positive settlement to the end of their relationship.Depending on the outcome of the talk with your mom, come to your own conclusion as to whether you'd like to find ways to maintain some level of connection to the ex gf.Holiday and birthday cards, occasional emails with the person, may feel supportive for you.Once you have some idea of your preferences for contact or not, and what type, then speak with the ex gf to find out her reaction to how open she is to your remedies.At the very least, you will have done a thorough job in examining what is possible for your own relationship with each one."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my elderly mother that I cant stay for long visits?", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and I can see that she has lost some of her intellectual abilities. Even though I know this disease is not her fault, Im still finding it difficult to separate my own feelings of disappointment and frustration when my mom seems to ignore my opinions and wishes, and seems", "answerText": "Good observation on your part, to distinguish that your feelings in relation to your mom are not necessarily connected to the way she handles her part of the relation toward you.Has your mom usually ignored your opinions and wishes in relating to you?If prior to the onset of Alzheimer's, she never examined her way of relating to you, and if both of you have never had an open conversation about your sense of feeling hurt by her attitudes and manner with you, then the relationship between you and your mom will change in ways other than rational dialogue.She may continue ignoring or overlooking your wishes because she's been stuck in this attitude for most of your life.The good news for you about this is realizing that who you are and your way of relating to your mom, has very little to do with the way she relates to you.This is a more profound disappointment because it shows that her disconnect from you has been for longer than when the Alzheimer's began.You can however, feel a little more free knowing that you're not deserving of being ignored."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my elderly mother that I cant stay for long visits?", "questionText": "My mother has Alzheimer's and I can see that she has lost some of her intellectual abilities. Even though I know this disease is not her fault, Im still finding it difficult to separate my own feelings of disappointment and frustration when my mom seems to ignore my opinions and wishes, and seems", "answerText": "There are many conflicting emotions and tasks that arise when one becomes a caretaker for their parent.Expressing positive emotions to her (i.e. \"Mom, I love and care for you, and enjoy our time together. I'm sorry I can't stay long\"( may help re-frame your thoughts and have a fresh perspective on the situation. Additionally, Visual cues like pictures and notes can also be helpful for those who suffer from disorders like Alzheimer's and Dementia, as it offers a \"Trigger\" for memory, helping to ease the doors to communication.Finding support in other family members, or a therapist familiar with elder care issues may be helpful as well."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to make my own decisions", "questionText": "I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?", "answerText": "If the only way the relationship you have with your mother feels \"okay\" is when she is the only one who makes decisions concerning your life, then this only seems ok.In fact it is not okay for one person to be the authority for another person unless the one for whom this is being done, does not have their own ability to think for themselves.Separating your own wishes and way of handling life matters, from your mother's point of view, may be difficult.First, realize you need to get familiar with feeling at ease with the idea of deciding matters for yourself.You'll need practice until you feel comfortable.Unless, if you've been thinking through decisions you'd like to make and the idea of your mother's anger is the only point which stopped you, then you may almost instantly start living in a liberated way of running your own life.Basically, it is right and fair for you to have the chance to live your life the way you feel is best. Be prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to make my own decisions", "questionText": "I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?", "answerText": "ABSOLUTELY. Having someone who's outside the situation and, even more so, with knowledge and experience in human behavior and relationship dynamics such as a counselor can do wonders in helping us feel less alone in frustrating situations like the one you're currently stuck in with your mother. A professional can also assist you in finding some assertiveness techniques, communication strategies, and coping skills to help you find your voice and stand your ground in a way that feels most authentic to you.In a healthy parent-child dynamic, there comes a normal developmental shift when, as the child reaches each new stage of maturity and responsibility, the parent backs off to provide a more supportive role instead of directive role. We call this \"redefining relationships.\" (We also do it with our friendships and colleagues here and there over time as needed). It's absolutely vital.Sounds like your mom may have missed that memo.Like many parents, she may feel your behavior and choices is a direct reflection of her. Or that her role as your mother allows her greater latitude than it should. Or like many other people in general, that her way is the ONLY way.Regardless, this is YOUR life. And as far as we know, it's not a dress rehearsal. You certainly don't want to wake up some 50 years from now regretful or resentful.That being said, there are certainly ways to show her love and respect while doing what makes you happy.I would encourage you to Google therapists near you whose bios resonate with you and what you're looking for and start on a the journey towards a new chapter of freedom and hopefully a deeper, more satisfying mother-daughter relationship for both of you.Warmest regards,Tamara Powell, LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my dad to understand that I don't want him to date or marry my best friend?", "questionText": "I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.", "answerText": "Hi Lincoln,It can be very difficult for children who have lost a parent to then see their other parent moving forward with anyone, so I understand how this change is even more upsetting to you.And...your father and your friend have clearly established a friendship and fallen in love. Did you see this coming? I hope they didn't hide it from you. If they did, maybe this is the issue? It would be a legitimate one.But in the end, your father, and your friend, are adults who are free to fall in love with whomever they wish and hopefully they can count on the support of people who trust and love them. Could there be blessings here you haven't seen yet? It seems you love this person who is like a sister; could it be a good thing that her place in your life is more permanent?Ask yourself these questions... \"What is the worst part of this?\" \"What do I fear losing?\" \"What do I fear at all?\" \"What is the evidence that this will happen?\" The answers might surprise you.Your children will follow your lead. If you are supportive of their grandfather, they will follow suit.Hopefully you can grieve the change, know that your mother would likely want both of them to be happy, and embrace the blessings that come with having this woman close to you in a new way. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my dad to understand that I don't want him to date or marry my best friend?", "questionText": "I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.", "answerText": "How are you measuring whether or not your dad understands your wish?Your dad understanding your wish does not mean he will necessarily follow through with what you want.Based on what you describe about your relationship to the woman in question, your discomfort with the idea of your dad marrying your friend, is reasonable.Have the conversation with your dad that includes your viewpoint, and also ask him for his impression of your feelings.Its even possible he already has considered your feelings and hasn't yet told you.It is also possible that a conversation on the subject, as well as your dad following through with his decision to marry your best friend, may develop in a very positive way.Part of the current uneasiness you feel may be from fear of how a change in circumstances and introducing new relationship dynamics might feel.Given that the person who died was your mom, maybe your emotions are not yet ready seeing your dad with a replacement spouse.Try to see the situation from the point of everyone, including yourself, who is involved in this major change. Maybe having a family discussion about acceptance and readiness to accept a new partner for your dad, would open new empathy for all of these family members."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my dad to understand that I don't want him to date or marry my best friend?", "questionText": "I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.", "answerText": "That's intense. This person moving from a friend of yours to both a friend of yours and, in a sense, your step mom is a lot. I wonder if you have let your dad know what's going through your mind with this and how it is affecting you. I can imagine that could feel awkward and emotional. Still, getting him to understand might be as simple as letting him know, in your words, how this feels from your view as well as what you wish. It may not change the outcome (he may still marry her), but your thoughts will not go unsaid and opens it up for conversation. Best luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How should I deal with my mom's controlling behavior?", "questionText": "I'm an adult, facing problems with my mom. She's way too controlling. She decides things for me, disregarding whatever I say. I tried explaining my side to her calmly, but she eventually gets angry and doesn't wish to listen to me regardless of how I speak to her.", "answerText": "The part of your life which is in your control is the way you handle what your mom does and the way she talks to you.It is possible the two of you have very different opinions on a great number of matters.Each person, including you, has the right to decide whether and how to respond to someone.Stick up for your own right to make decisions.If she doesn't accept your independent viewpoints, then this doesn't give away your right to have these views.Since she makes herself clear as to her unwillingness to listen to you, then consider this as an easy way to avoid directly speaking with her about what's on your mind.If she ever shows an interest in your opinions and you feel like discussing these with her, then feel free to make this choice."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I talk honestly to my brother about his girlfriend, risking our own relationship?", "questionText": "My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-sexual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. Theyve been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship?", "answerText": "If you and your brother are open w each other and respect each others opinions then there is little risk your relationship with him will end.If there already is strong animosity, mistrust, dislike between both of you then there is more chance he will not seriously consider your advice.For your own peace of mind, say whatever you feel must be said to him.The person youll need to live with is yourself so do what you believe is needed for you to feel good about saying whats necessary.Even if he never follows through with your advice then youll still know you tried your best to advise."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I talk honestly to my brother about his girlfriend, risking our own relationship?", "questionText": "My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-sexual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. Theyve been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship?", "answerText": "This is tricky and quite delicate.I wonder if you could talk with your brother about whether he would be willing to have a discussion with you about something that is important to you. I would also suggest trying to make clear your true intentions. For example:Telling him that he has the right to do what he wants with who he chooses to dateThat you are talking to him about this because you care about himThat your relationship with him is important to you and that you love him and care about himAlso try to stick to examples or ideas that are objectively observable (for example, when this happens ___, I notice ___). That way you are using facts rather than opinions and things that can be observed rather than subjective emotional decisionsI would also be curious with what your brother sees in this girl, and I might even recommend starting with thatI cannot underline enough the importance of having this come across as genuine, and for lack of a better word, gentle.I also be very honest with you that I cannot guarantee that he will react positively, neutrally, or even that he will have the discussion with you.Because it is true that he could choose to continue dating this girl and perhaps even hold it against you for a while, I would also encourage you to look at the importance of this to you and where you consider the risk-benefit ratio to be."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I'm putting my full effort in my studies, but no one thinks that I am", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I know the importance of my upcoming schooling. However, no matter how much I put in my best effort, my family thinks I have done zero effort in total. What can I do?", "answerText": "Your family's opinion is quite demoralizing.Unless you are lying to yourself or to them, then your best effort deserves appreciation and support from family.The family members may have reasons besides the actual outcome of your school work to be so blind to your investment of effort.Maybe they target onto you their unhappiness in some other area of their lives. It is often easier to create false narratives if a person wants to avoid looking at themselves.Possibly too, the family people may have a twisted logic to their words, as though ignoring your effort is a way to force you to do more.If you feel the family people will listen to the way their words affect you, then definitely tell them.If not, then you are learning an early lesson on how not everyone is necessarily supportive of others, and how disappointing this feels."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I'm putting my full effort in my studies, but no one thinks that I am", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I know the importance of my upcoming schooling. However, no matter how much I put in my best effort, my family thinks I have done zero effort in total. What can I do?", "answerText": "First of all, I'm glad that you posted here and I'm glad that you recognize the importance of schooling.Where does your family get the idea that you are not putting in the effort? While people can interpret \"effort\" differently, with talking about schoolwork, I would think that your grades would show the effort that you are putting in.If you are getting good grades and you are saying that your family does not think your grades are good enough, maybe there could be a conversation where you are able to ask them what they are expecting from you (and try to listen without defending yourself for a few minutes) and then you could explain what you are doing to prepare. Maybe you could set time limits so you each have five minutes to discuss this (or less, if you think that would be better).If your grades are not as good as you would like and you are putting in the effort, I would still consider having a conversation like I mentioned above, and perhaps taking advantage of tutoring or other possibilities offered by your school.Just as a bit more information for you, I have been working with children, teenagers, and adults for more than nine years now. When someone tells me that they wish their child would do better in school, I always ask what that means. Sometimes it means that their grades are D's and F's. For other families, it means that the grades dropped below 95% and in that family, that is unacceptable. Perception makes a big difference here.If you are doing your best and accomplishing your goals, that is worth celebrating."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I find a therapist for my family as a minor?", "questionText": "Im a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself?", "answerText": "This sounds like a really tough situation. As a teenager, you may be able to get counseling on your own (without needing your parents' consent) under some circumstances. If your parents are refusing toconsider counseling, you might want to try talking to your doctor or another trusted adultabout finding some counseling resources - even without your parents' help."}, {"questionTitle": "What's wrong with me for going to summer school?", "questionText": "It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm \"lazy little fat.\"", "answerText": "There is nothing wrong with going to summer school."}, {"questionTitle": "What's wrong with me for going to summer school?", "questionText": "It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm \"lazy little fat.\"", "answerText": "Your mom is telling you cruel words.The fact that she is your mother and is not supportive and willing to point out your strengths, is a good reason to not believe what she tells you.Parents are meant to nurture their children, not take them down with words.Kids go to summer schmo for all sorts of reasons. If you were unable to concentrate during the school year on academic subjects, for whatever reason, summer school is a way to catch up so you will stay with your classmates in the school year which starts in September.I understand not liking the idea of school in the summer. Only this is different than being putdown the way your mother does to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like my relationship is falling apart", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do?", "answerText": "A relationship gets weaker, not stronger by threatening control of the other person.Start by telling your boyfriend to keep his remarks about you and the interests he is in which you two disagree, limited to these areas.Your relationship with your mother is between you and her.Regardless of how much he doesn't like her, to not respect your mother daughter relationship is unreasonable and disrespectful toward you.Threatening to take action against you by withdrawing himself from your relationship, is almost guaranteed to harm the good feelings between the two of you.Does you boyfriend dislike your mother for any reason having to do with her being a danger to you?Ask his reason since if he does this from concern for your emotional or physical safety, then this is good sentiment which is handled incorrectly, by a threat to you.What you should do is ask your boyfriend to not threaten you and to calmly talk about the topics you bring up here."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like my relationship is falling apart", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do?", "answerText": "It's ultimately your decision whether or not you go to see your mother. I'm not sure whether talking with her on the phone or through some videoconferencing application (such as Skype) would be something you could do in the meantime until you sort out what you want to do.Some things I wonder are:What makes the two of them not get along?What makes him feel threatened or on edge if you visit your mother without him? What does he think will happen?What is he getting out of trying to choose for you?What is he so afraid of?If you decide to talk about these things with your boyfriend, try to do the following:Consider using questions that start with the words who, what, where, when, and not why. The word why can be really difficult for some people to answer because the word itself triggers an emotional reaction.Try to ask him if the two of you can discuss this in a way that you can just ask more questions about what he is experiencing. If you can listen without being defensive about what you think and feel, you may understand more about where you boyfriend is coming from.Remember that understanding what he means does not mean that you have to agree with what he is saying.Maybe he would be willing to listen to what you are experiencing and ask questions about that as you did for him. It would be good to do this in a way similar to what an investigative reporter would do and asking questions that cannot be answered in a yes or no format and require more information.I'm sure this is putting you in a very tough place. If you would like to talk to someone more directly about the details, consider seeing a local mental health professional."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I choose the right path with my boyfriend?", "questionText": "For the past week or so me and my boyfriend have been fighting. He has been making a lot of bad choices and he is currently hospitalized. I'm barely eating or sleeping because I'm constantly worried about him. Everyone else in my life says that I should just forget about him and walk away. What should I do?", "answerText": "Forgetting one's emotions is impossible.Since you are in a relationship with this guy, your emotions keep your feelings active toward him.Does he respect your upset with his lifestyle choices?Are the two of you having conversations about your opinions on him?You're as entitled to dislike what he does as he is to like what he does.Since you're together in a relationship, respect for the other's values and how best to live life, matters.He may be as unhappy about your dislike for his lifestyle as you are with his.Try to know whether he's willing to change to accommodate you.Study whether you're willing to change to accept his ways.See whether the two sides are close enough to be different from one another and still be happy together.Then, if the answer is \"no\", you can consider to separate from him and your emotions gradually will recuperate from leaving the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I'm on my own", "questionText": "Ever since my mother passed away my family has treated me like a stranger. Now I'm concerned that my father will need to go into a nursing home. If that happens I think I'm going to be on my own to handle it. What should I do? I'm going to need my family's help and support.", "answerText": "Understandably you'd like support from those who know and love you.From what you write, your family members do not offer you your very reasonable expectation.Start by telling particular family members with whom you feel you'd have the most likely chance of success in their meeting your expectation by loving you.This way you are able to tell yourself you've tried what is reasonable to try.Don't give up on expecting loving support for yourself!If your family members are unwilling to give you this, then start to give yourself loving attention and care.Gradually you will bring yourself in contact with new others who will love you.Loving yourself makes you attractive. so others will find your willingness to be loved."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I create a better relationship with my adoptive mother?", "questionText": "We just cannot seem to get along. I cannot have a conversation with her without it turning into World War 3. She treats me like I have no right to an opinion and never really lets me speak. My real mother cares and tries to help me, but she can't do much, because my adoptive mother won't listen to her either.", "answerText": "Going to see a experience counselor would be my advice. You will have a neutral person that can listen to both sides and help you all find a common ground of understanding. If she doesn't agree to counseling, really the only person you can change is you. I would suggest that you approach her with love and let her know what you appreciate about her, let her know the great things she have done that could not be replaced or forgotten however you want your relationship to get better than it has been lately. Hopefully this will open the door of communication where you can explain your thoughts and feeling but in a loving way."}, {"questionTitle": "My dad is mad because I identify as a male and I was born a female", "questionText": "My dad doesn't like the fact that I'm a boy. He yells at me daily because of it and he tells me I'm extreme and over dramatic. I get so depressed because of my dad's yelling. He keeps asking me why I can't just be happy the way I am and yells at me on a daily basis. Is this considered emotional abuse?", "answerText": "Maybe this is emotional abuse.It certainly is irritating and annoying to be yelled at for being yourself.Maybe at a time when he's not yelling you can bring up the topic of your own willingness, if this is true, to discuss questions he has about your gender.There's no guarantee he won't start yelling midway through a dialogue like this. Only then you will be on firm ground to excuse yourself from the conversation since you already explained that you're willing to talk with him and not to be yelled at by him."}, {"questionTitle": "I was duped into getting married to a therapist, but once her immigration status was secure, she bolted", "questionText": "How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. Once the \"relationship\" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife.On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time.Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example.Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person. Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior.There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures.There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again. The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship. There is no designated time line. You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now.Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I was duped into getting married to a therapist, but once her immigration status was secure, she bolted", "questionText": "How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. Once the \"relationship\" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear about that situation. If the woman was your therapist (or had been at one time), this could represent a significant ethical violation when she created a dual relationship with you.Even if you were not her client, this might still be an ethical violation. Counselors are held to a high standard of conduct and honesty at all times.In a situation like this you might consider filing a complaint with the state regulatory board."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make my mom love me the same as my siblings?", "questionText": "I have three siblings. My mom loves them and not me. Shes always yelling at me, but when it comes to my siblings, she talks to them. Im always crying in my room.", "answerText": "Have you ever tried talking with her about this when she's not angry? While I hear you saying that it feels like she doesn't love you, there could be a lot of other pieces to this. Have you ever told her about how much she means to you (when she's not angry)?"}, {"questionTitle": "Is my relationship with my stepdad normal?", "questionText": "My stepdad and I always mess around. I've noticed that whenever he playfully hits me, it's always my butt that he hits. He always comments on my outfits and always scans me head to toe when I walk into a room. I'm a teenager female, and I want to know if this is normal.", "answerText": "It's hard to tell from the way you described it. Do you think he would be open to an honest discussion? It could be that his comments about your outfit are designed to make you feel good or to help them show how much he cares about you as his stepdaughter. As far as scanning you from head to toe, I can think of reasons that parents might do that. I also think that talking about it is probably very important so you really know what his intentions are. That way, it removes the guesswork and you have the opportunity to know what he is thinking and feeling and he can also know what your reactions are."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so protective of my friends and family?", "questionText": "Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, Im the one who steps in. Im the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people Im fighting for. Im only in my early 20s.", "answerText": "You could be protective because of things that happened in your past or in the past of the people that you are protecting. A lot of us have natural instincts that we do not want other people to be in pain. For other people, conflict is just hard to watch and/or listen to.As for having a tough time trusting them, that could also relate to past events between you and these other people or it could relate to the conflict that you mentioned. It can be difficult to trust someone deeply when you don't know when the next big fight or argument is going to start.The next time you step in for someone, consider asking yourself what is making you do that? What are you feeling in the moment?"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I so protective of my friends and family?", "questionText": "Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, Im the one who steps in. Im the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people Im fighting for. Im only in my early 20s.", "answerText": "Breaking the patterns of relating to family members, is difficult work.In the situation you describe, both you and the family members who ask for your intervention, will be affected by any change you decide to make in the way all of you handle family disagreements.Always, it is best for any two people who have a disagreement, to talk directly with each other. A third person distracts from the content and reasons for disagreeing.Maybe knowing that by pulling yourself away from mediating family arguments, you will in the long term be doing good for your family, helps you do the actual work of separating yourself from their arguments.Definitely, the fact that you're writing about the problem, shows you feel like doing something which feels better than how you feel currently.It is very healthy for you to listen to your gut intuition telling you to pull out of the mediator role you are in currently.You may feel guilty, your family members will most likely do everything possible to persuade, convince, and push you back into their arguments.This doesn't make them right in what they're doing, it only makes your job harder of trying to let them have their fights on their own."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to hate my mom?", "questionText": "She has chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy, and Im her caregiver. All she does is complain, hit me, call me names, and say things happened that didnt. When I tell her, she explodes. I didnt always hate her, but now every little thing she does irritates me, and I dont have the means to live on my own.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are hating some of the things that your mom does rather than hating her.Something you may be able to do is call the area agency on aging for the county where you live and ask for information about having other people help to care for your mom. I don't know how old your mom is, but if she is younger, they would probably have resources to other ways that you could have help. If you are both open to the possibility of someone else helping out, this may help with some of the difficulties between you if you are not spending quite as much time together. Do you think your mom is able to actually recognize how what she does and says affects you?From whom do you have support during all of this?"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my dad being on drugs?", "questionText": "My dad is doing some really bad drugs, and I'm not allowed to see him anymore because of what he can do to me or my siblings on this drug. It has affected me tremendously in my life. Its even caused me anger and stress.", "answerText": "It seems like you are going trough stages of grief, since the inability to see your father causes you similar feelings as if you had lost him. Perhaps you could send him letters expressing your feelings and hopes. But do understand that if he is under the influence of drugs he might not be able to empathize with your feelings or react in the way that he would have done so in the past. As the issue evolves find a therapist or counselor to help you work on letting go of that anger and stress, which may affect you negatively. Find forgiveness so you can have a relationship with him in the future.Qu puedo hacer con mi padre usuario de drogas?Mi papa est usando drogas muy malas, y no estoy autorizada a verlo por lo que me puede hacer a m y a mis hermanos. Esto afecta mi vida tremendamente. Me causa coraje estrs.Parece que estas pasando por estados de luto, ya que el no poder ver a tu padre causa sentimientos similares a cuando hay una perdida. Tal vez puedes escribirle cartas expresando tus sentimientos y esperanzas. Pero comprende que si el est bajo la influencia de drogas puede que no sienta empata o te responda como lo sola hacer. Mientras el problema se resuelve busca un consejero o terapeuta que te ayude a trabajar en resolver los sentimientos de coraje y estrs, trabaja tambin en perdonarlo para que puedas tener una relacin con l en el futuro."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I free myself from my narcissistic, codependent, ill mother?", "questionText": "I'm in my mid-twenties now, and my boyfriend of seven years and I want to start a life. My mother is 100% codependent on me and is extremely manipulative. She suffers from type 1 diabetes, which she uses to guilt me if I ever leave her. The problem is that I will feel guilty.", "answerText": "Focus more on your own life and less on the very heavy descriptors you wrote to describe your mom.All the words you wrote represent psychological conditions which are either lifelong or take a lot of motivation and effort to change.Since the only person who can change how your mom handles her life, is your mom, and you are the only one who can do the same for yourself, devote more energy and time to living your own life fully, despite the emotions you feel regarding her."}, {"questionTitle": "My traditional family is opposed to me moving in with my boyfriend who is 13 years older", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Has any of your family members told you their reasons for their opinion?Find this out first.If you have a somewhat reasonable relationship with family members, their views may give you insight on your relationship and on you.How much do you care about what your family is telling you?Maybe be honest with first yourself and then your family about appreciating their interest and concern, and that you've different ideas on ways to live, than they do.As long as you and your family are able to talk about the differences between your points of view, then everyone is supporting good will.This makes living with any disagreements, much easier."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?", "questionText": "My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.", "answerText": "How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and undercover messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks. Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills. Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces. It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction. Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor. The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possibleuntil you to master them. You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.Cmo puedo lograr que mi mam me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicacin con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos. A veces, nos parece aun ms difcil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicacin. Especialmente nuestras madres, pueden hacer parecer que estn convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.Y qu hacemos? Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a travs de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicacin asertiva. Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos. Tambin te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interaccin. Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero. El secreto est en practicar las tcnicas de comunicacin cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontneamente. Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas tcnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difcil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?", "questionText": "My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.", "answerText": "Could you tell her ? What would happen if you said \"Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you.\""}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal for my mom to get mad easily?", "questionText": "It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.", "answerText": "You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her \"stuff\".Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of \"dealing with it\". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say \"I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff\", or \"I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed\", or even \"I don't like the way you talk to me\". Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal for my mom to get mad easily?", "questionText": "It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first.", "answerText": "Anger is a normal emotion, and yet it is a really hard one... how much is too much? and how do you express it without damaging those around you? yes mom's get angry, sometimes too easy... but its their responsibility to manage their anger-- get their own support and put themselves in time outs when they cannot handle it well. Since you are the kids, you shouldn't have to fix or calm down mom's anger. Maybe in a calmer time when you guys are being silly talk with her one on one? Tell her you are feeling sad and hurt that she gets upset at you girls. Ask her if there is 1 thing you can work on this next month to help her. Ask her if she would work on 1 thing for you this month-- not yelling? taking a time out? telling you before she blows her top so you can exit the room? Also for you, check out a library book on anger so you know how to handle yours, and one on parents and anger. Number one to remember, if you don't feel safe, if she is calling you names, or hurting you, breaking things etc. make sure you go to a trusted adult--school counselor, neighbor, aunt, church friend as soon as possible. You are much too important to be hurt and if mom is out of control, someone elseneeds to be --caring for you."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm scared to tell my family that I'm bisexual", "questionText": "My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like they'll do anything or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them.", "answerText": "Coming out to family members can cause a lot of anxiety. However, although I cannot promise what their reaction will be, the benefit is that you will no longer have to hide who you are. Perhaps researching or getting information on bisexuality can help your family understand what it truly is to be bisexual. Many times, people are just not educated on certain things."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm scared to tell my family that I'm bisexual", "questionText": "My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like they'll do anything or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them.", "answerText": "Perhaps you are not ready to come out to your parents. Often timesour readiness is not dependent on what others' will say or how theyreact.But more so dependent onhow emotionally prepared we are to deal with others' reactions. Itmay bebeneficial for youto play out each possiblescenario andconclusion (eg. your parents being supportive vs. your parents being disappointed and so on). How are you prepared to deal with the outcome? Youmay also seek help through counselors, support groups and/or individuals you know that havedealt with similar situations to help you prepare to discussthis with your parents.All the best!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my parents that I'm gay?", "questionText": "I'm in love with my own gender, and my parents are against that. I don't know how to tell them because I'm afraid they'll not want me anymore.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. This is one of those times when you wish you could assure someone that everything will go perfectly, but unfortunatelyI can't do that. There is no way of knowing how parents might respond until you tell them. The truth is that people have come out to their parents in many different ways. Some have told their parents directly, some drop hints, some have had others tell their parents, etc. The only \"right\" way to come out is the one that you choose. The one that feels right to you. That is the best way. Some people decide not to come out, and some wait for a very long time. Both ofthese things are okay. Coming out is deeply personal, and there can be real consequences to someone's emotional health and safety if they tell the wrong person. That is why it should only be done when you are ready. When you feel that you have the emotional and personal support thatyou need to take the risk. Sometimes people can feel pressured to come out, but I encourage you to do it in your own time. The truth is, there is a spectrum of how people's parents react to this kind of news. On one end, you may have the parents who shut a person out and are abusive, and on the opposite side you may have parents that are totally okay with it and throw you a \"Coming Out\" party. Most parents are going to fall somewhere in the middle. It is important to remember that theirfeelings may change over time. Many parents struggle at first, but they love their kids and get better with it over time. If you decide to tell them, consider taking someone along to support you. Plan ahead on what you want to say. It can be an emotional time, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you need to, leave. You don't have to stay anywhere where someone is being cruel to you. I wish you well, and good luck.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle all of my stress?", "questionText": "I work two jobs and go to school for criminal justice. Over the summer, my father had a stroke. It was very devastating. My father isn't the same, and my family fights every day. I have been kicked out the house many times. I break down a lot.", "answerText": "You undoubtedly are carrying a huge weight on your shoulders. Stressors come in many forms and you are engulfed in a few of the major ones as it relates to dealing with the declining health of your father, family conflict, as well as trying to balance a work and school schedule. Stress, if left unchecked has many negative health related implications. First and foremost I would recommend going to see a counselor at your college/university. Most colleges have counseling centers for students that usually allow for 5-6 free counseling sessions (your tuition actually pay for these sessions so take advantage of them). Secondly I would advise you to take a minute and breathe. When confronted with overwhelming life issues it is common to busy ourselves in an attempt to distract ourselves from the drama, but sometimes that can compound our stress. When dealing with stress it is important that you engage in self care. In other words find time to engage in activities that bring you a sense of peace, enjoyment, and fulfillment in order that you may get a momentary release from your daily hectic life. Even with a normal life there is no way to escape stress, it is inevitable and a part of life, but how you deal with stress, as well as how you take care of yourself in the midst of these whirlwind events will determine your quality of life. I hope this helps..."}, {"questionTitle": "What should I do if I found out one of my parents are cheating?", "questionText": "I saw my mother cheating on my dad before. I said something to her, and she said it was in the past. Yesterday, I saw her texting dirty things to the same guy. Should I talk to her again? I don't want my parents to go their separate ways, I just want her to stop. it's not fair.", "answerText": "You as the child in the middle of your parents' problems is the worse position to be in. I can only imagine your hurt, pain and confusion on what to do. Honestly, this is a hard question to answer without knowing your age, your parents' ability to handle hearing information from you and your maturity to handle what may happen in the end. One thing I would like to note....your parents may be in the same house but if your mother is cheating, they have already gone their separate ways."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be more open and honest with my dad?", "questionText": "I avoid talking to him because he always makes me more upset. I can't be honest with him about anything because he is always rude to me.", "answerText": "Hi Troy, I totally get this. It's a dilemma; you want your dad to know how he's hurting you but you don't feel safe enough to say anything to him. Your reaction is understandable; it's his responsibility as a parent to work harder than you to create that safe place for you to be open. But that's not who your dad is. Your dad is your dad, and waiting for him to change won't really help. Nothing you do can change your dad, but...there are things you can do for yourself and your relationship with him.While your response of avoiding him is understandable, I wonder what effect it has on your dad. It's possible that he's feeling frustrated, rejected and punished by your withdrawal. You may think he knows that you're feeling hurt, but he probably doesn't. So this is the squirrel chasing its tail: your dad is rude, so your habit is to be silent, then he maybe feels abandoned and frustrated. His frustration comes out as more rudeness, which makes you want to withdraw more, and the cycle starts all over again. You can't change his part of the cycle but you can change yours.Are you willing to take a risk? Can you be honest about how you're feeling? What's the worst thing that could happen if you said to your dad \"You know why I avoid you? I stay silent because when I talk to you say rude things. So if you want me to talk, I need to know you can listen.\" I imagine it would come out differently because you're a few generations younger than me, but put that into your own words.I don't know the level of your dad's 'rudeness'. If he is abusive, then a better plan is to see a therapist alone or talk to someone about this. I don't want to put you at any risk. But if you don't worry your dad will hurt you, maybe give honesty a try.My point is that, as rude as your dad may be, checking out of a relationship by being silent is also rude. It's powerful...your silence. Your dad can't read your mind, and if you want things to be better you will need to get in that ring with him.And, if you're both open to it, seeing a therapist together can be really helpful. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm in a lesbian relationship, and my mother doesn't really approve", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It can be very difficult, when our parents do not approve of significant aspects of who we are. As children, we need our parents approval, and as adults, we often still desire it. Some things I am wondering about are, how do you feel about your sexuality and your relationship with your mother? Is there anything you would like to have different in your relationship with your mother? I don't know if these questions resonate with you or not, but if there are some conflicted feelings in regards to your mother, working with a competent therapist may be a good way of getting clarity about how you would like to move forward."}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter is in her 30s, not married, and pregnant. How can I break the news to the family?", "questionText": "She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.", "answerText": "Congrats on your upcoming grandchild!Does your daughter want you to break news of her pregnancy, to the family?Talk with your daughter first, whether or not she would like you to tell other family members.Also, given the other facts you mention in your post, if household and financial management are areas you feel your daughter is vulnerable, then bring up these topics too.Stay open minded about your daughter having views which are different from yours."}, {"questionTitle": "My daughter is in her 30s, not married, and pregnant. How can I break the news to the family?", "questionText": "She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.", "answerText": "Hi New York, There is no need for shame here; no one's done anything wrong! A pregnancy is a glorious gift to be celebrated.I wonder what gets in the way of you celebrating your daughter's pregnancy?Are they excited about it? I bet they are. They've been together for seven years. Even if it caught them off guard, the best thing for them and this new baby is to celebrate the joy of this new little person and their growing family. If you are happy for them and help spread their joy, how marvelous would that be for them as a family?New York, I will be honest with you; I hope that's okay. I sense that maybe you are feeling judgemental towards them. Do you dislike or judge his struggle with mental illness? Do you see him as less than worthy because he hasn't worked? I don't know for sure, but I imagine maybe his anxiety and depression get in the way of working. Maybe he's on a social disability? Mental illness doesn't make someone less lovable or valuable as a partner. He's getting help for himself and that's wonderful.If your daughter loves him and is happy with him... If he is her chosen man, then they absolutely need your support, not your judgement. And if they struggle as a couple, you know what...they will need it even more!Is this your first grandchild? If not, then I don't have to say this, but if it is...you are in for the most amazing adventure of your lifetime. You will fall in love so deeply with this child. S/he needs that...this baby needs your love and support.So, you say to your family... \"I have amazing news! My daughter is expecting a baby! I'm going to be a grandparent!! I can't wait\"."}, {"questionTitle": "Can a person be mean towards another person if that person was treated poorly before?", "questionText": "I keep being mean to my best friend, and I don't know why all the time. I did come to maybe some kind of conclusion that it is because my mother is mean to me all the time. Could that be a cause?", "answerText": "Hi Morristown,There's a saying that goes \"hurt people hurt people\". It's possible that your aggression towards your friends is connected to your mother's behaviours. When we are treated poorly, especially as children, it affects how we ourselves, others, and the world. It's also powerful modelling of aggressive behaviour.The good news is that you have this lovely awareness and I think a desire to learn about yourself and grow in your ability to be respectful to people you care about. I recommend you consider sitting down with a therapist and exploring these ideas and moving forward on that path you seem to want to be on. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better relationship with my mom?", "questionText": "My mom and I have been fighting a lot now, and I just want a good relationship with her.", "answerText": "The best way to work on a relationship is for both people to engage with the problem and start communicating with each other more effectively. One of the hardest things about this, however, is getting both people within the relationship to recognize that they are both responsible for the successes and failures within the relationship and remove all the all-or-nothing blame.The best style of communication is open and asking for clarification; why not try asking your mother why this particular fight/situation is eliciting such an angry response. Often, the simple act of expressing that we don't understand the other person's point of view can open the doors to better levels of communication. The hardest part is trying to remain humble as we seek out that clarification and avoid the blaming language we are so used to using in such times."}, {"questionTitle": "My brother never hangs out with me anymore", "questionText": "I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad.", "answerText": "Hi Zionsville. It's so sweet that you have a special relationship with your brother. You will ALWAYS have that, you know? He's doing what's natural at his age...spreading his wings and looking for love. You may be heading into that zone soon too, but I get that it's weird that he's there before you, and you miss him.Try to respect your brother's autonomy, wish him well, be friendly with his girlfriend, and it's also okay to say \"Hey, bro, I'm still here. When can we hang out!?\""}, {"questionTitle": "My brother never hangs out with me anymore", "questionText": "I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad.", "answerText": "It is always hard when we feel as if we are losing somebody close to us. Feeling sad over these losses are normal. While there may be some things you can do to remedy this situation, it is important that you try and understand that part of life is change. The fact that your brother doesn't spend as much time with you doesn't mean that he loves you less or doesn't care about you. It most likely means that he is having to split his time between different people and priorities. I suggest that you communicate with him how you feel. Perhaps, ask him if he would be able to set up times that the two of you can hang out, without anyone else present. Addionally, it wouldn't hurt for you to also find some other ways to spend your time away from him. Now might be the perfect opportunity to pick up a new hobby or hang out with different peers. Keeping yourself distracted in healthy ways and processing your feelings of sadness will likely help with lifting your mood. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "My husband doesn't include me in the family", "questionText": "I've been hurt by a man for five years. He doesn't involve me with the family or kids. Everyone in the family is against me. There is a Mass today for a family member, and he never asked me to go. I'm to sit home alone now and Christmas too. He expects me to sit alone while he enjoys being with the family. We are in our 50s, and it hurts that he won't even think of me or involve me as part of the family. He doesn't even care. I am leaving him as soon as possible, but I hurt so bad that I didn't know who to turn too. I'm now in this low funk of depression, and I'm scared because I do stupid things to myself and give up. I have no friends because I was a truck driver. I've been getting serious headaches and can't sleep. I don't eat; I've lost my appetite. This has been going on for a couple weeks now.", "answerText": "Hi Florida,I get the sense that, aside from this relationship, you're quite isolated in general. It's sad that you're feeling excluded at Christmastime and family events. While I would suggest that you don't really know what he or his family are thinking or feeling (you assume they're against you, and that he doesn't care), he is certainly behaving in a very distant, excluding manner and it's understandable that you would feel rejected and hurt.How long has this part been happening? Has he always acted this way, or is it more recent? Did something happen recently? You mentioned doing \"stupid things to yourself\", and I don't know what that means. If you are engaging in self-harm he may be confused about what to do and he might need some time to think and be separate but is having trouble talking about this. Part of the problem, of course, is that you don't know what's going on for him. Certainly, you deserve the truth, and if he doesn't want to spend time with you, I would hope he would be honest. Have you been open to hearing the truth from him? Is there any reason for him to hesitate to tell you why he's being distant? Maybe you could ask him, if you are ready to hear.I'm glad to hear that you believe that you deserve a full, loving relationship, although it seems that moving forward might be difficult for you. Is it possible your happiness is a bit too dependant on this man? I'm just guessing, based on what you've said here.It seems that it's possible your situation has led to some depression, and I would recommend a session with a qualified therapist to help you sort this out. You will need support, even if the relationship is repaired. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do about a cousin who makes me feel belittled, insecure and frustrated?", "questionText": "Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do?", "answerText": "Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they dont see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousins issue and shes taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love.Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you."}, {"questionTitle": "What do I do about a cousin who makes me feel belittled, insecure and frustrated?", "questionText": "Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I lie to my mom about my relationship", "questionText": "I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. Were both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her.", "answerText": "I understand that this can be difficult when you care about someone. Have you had a discussion with your mom as to why she does not want you and this boy to see each other, and what her concerns are? It sounds as though you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating, and compromising. It is understandable that you do not to feel comfortable having to lie to your mom. It would be helpful if she could understand that you having to lie to he is getting in the way of you being able to go to her with any issue and feel she will hopefully understand or try to understand where you are coming from. Have either one of you been in family therapy? This may be something you may want to suggest to your mom to help you both understand where each one is coming from. If your mood is sad, and your feeling worse, it is important that you reach out to an adult, parent, person at school whom you trust to share your feelings and help you feel understood and work through your problems."}, {"questionTitle": "I lie to my mom about my relationship", "questionText": "I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. Were both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her.", "answerText": "Hi Los Angeles, I can tell you have a moral backbone because it's hurting you to lie to your mom. I always say that a little bit of guilt is healthy because it teaches us who we want to be. Listen to that voice. You don't have to lie to your mom to get what you want.Now, you don't say how old you are, so part of my answer is going to be a bit vague. There's a big difference between being thirteen and your mom telling you what to do and being nineteen and your mom telling you what to do. The thing is that moms and dads start out making all your decisions for you when you're small, and they're supposed to, very gradually, give that control over to you. Different parents do this at different speeds, but in general you have to earn that freedom and trust...it's not just gonna be handed over to you.You might not like this part...your parent has the right to make the rules. My guess is there's a reason why mom is holding you back. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, breaking her rules isn't going to get you what you want...which is freedom, right? I guarantee you that mom wants you to eventually earn freedom...but she's not supposed to give it to you until you're ready because her first job is to keep you safe.I like that your mom has limits for you. Too many parents are sort of looking the other way, busy with their own thing. Whether you know it or not, you need protection like all kids do (appropriate for your age, of course).It sounds like what you want to say to your mom is \"I want to make my own decisions about who I spend time with\". That's a normal wish, and I encourage you to say that to her. Depending on your age and whether you've earned it, she might listen.So, you're sending her that message that you want to send, but you're doing it in a sneaky way, and that's not going to go well when she finds out. It's called \"passive aggressive\" when you say something with a sneaky behaviour rather than with words. It's not a very healthy way of sending a message, because people feel disrespected.My guess is that your best bet is to be honest with mom, stop the sneaking around and come up with a detailed plan of how you're going to earn your freedom...eventually. She might listen to that."}, {"questionTitle": "My parents are threatening to send me away if I don't play basketball for a team I hate", "questionText": "I'm applying to private high schools. I'm playing basketball on my school team currently, and I love it. I also play on a team that I've hated since the beginning, and I finally want to quit before the season gets started. However, my parents say I can play on either both teams or neither. I think it's unfair because it's up to me if I want to play for a certain team. I was planning on playing basketball for the high school I get into, but if that means continuing to play for the team I hate, then I wouldn't want to play in high school. Now I don't know what to do! My parents are threatening to send me off to a different home if I don't play. I just want to run away.", "answerText": "The situation in your family seems to place unnecessary pressure on you.Are you and your parents able to talk together about their reason for their standard?Are your parents willing to listen to your reasons to not play on the team you hate?If yes, then maybe some type of compromise is possible for all of you to negotiate.If none of the above is possible, then you may want to get specific and direct advice from a professional, such as the school guidance counselor or psychologist, whom you'd trust and feel safe in talking.I hope you and your parents will find an answer that all of you are happy to accept."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I have a better relationship with my father?", "questionText": "I am always arguing with my father. He gets stressed over work and health and talks to me in a tone of voice that seems very demanding and seems more like yelling. I get upset often at this. Am I too sensitive? He always says I am overreacting but never seems to understand that he is hurting my feelings. No matter how often I try to tell him this, he never listens.", "answerText": "Thanks for the question. Regardless of whether or not you are sensitive, it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you. When we feel that we are being talked down to or being ridiculed, it is difficult to not take it personally. It sounds like you have taken the first and necessary step in resolving this by bringing up the issue to him. Is it possible that the delivery of your message is causing him to feel blamed or defensive? Try communicating with him during a time when you are not upset and when it is out of context. Begin your statements with\"I\" as opposed to \"you.\" For example, you can tell him, \"I feel angry whenyou raise your voice at me\" instead of \"Youalways yell at me.\" Also, avoid using black and white terms such as never and always. Additionally, offer sugggestions as to ways that he can better communicate with you. Maybe he just doesn't know how to.Lastly, when delivering a message, I like to use the sandwich method by starting off the discussionwith something postive and ending it with something postive. For example, you may say something to the effect of:\"Dad, Ienjoy the discussions we share and really value your opinion. There are times thatI feel angry when you talk to me aggressively. Perhaps you can try talking to me using a calmer tone when I bring up heated topics. Let's try and work on this together. I will try to be less sensitive and I am asking that you be more calm.\"I hope you find this useful!"}, {"questionTitle": "My ex-boyfriend wouldn't let me have my daughter because I didn't know my stepdaughter's pick-up details", "questionText": "I am constantly having problems with the same two people who will always be in my life. I had a daughter with my ex-boyfriend. I am now married, and my husbands ex-girlfriend is involved with my ex-boyfriend. They also have a daughter together. My issue is that there is always drama. I am pregnant, and I told my ex-boyfriend that I don't want any drama or arguments. I want to get along as much as possible, and he agreed. However, we just had an incident where my ex-boyfriend started discussing drop-off details about my stepdaughter. I told him that he needed to ask my husband because I can't make decisions about my stepdaughter regarding the matter. That led to an argument. I told him all my concern is when I pick up my daughter. My stepdaughters pick-up details are between my husband and his ex-girlfriend. I especially told him I didn't want to be involved. Somehow, he turned it around and then wanted to change the schedule we agreed on. He threatened me and got ugly because I wouldnt discuss my stepdaughters matters with him. The point is there is so much drama. I try my best to get along with everyone. I don't understand where I went wrong (besides replying back to his question). I feel like I'm going crazy because this is a constant battle where everyones frustrations are taken out on each other, and it's the children that are hurting. I had a party planned for my daughters birthday, and my ex-boyfriend told me to cancel those plans because he wouldnt let me have her. In my eyes, its the child that is hurting. I was throwing a party for her birthday, and because of the problem with stupid pick-up details about my stepdaughter, which I have no control over, he took it out on our daughter.", "answerText": "Hi. I appreciate your mature instincts and strong efforts to draw clear boundaries in this very complex situation. I agree that it sounds like the adult drama is unnecessary and potentially will affect the children.Children need adults around them to act maturely, cooperatively and peacefully even when they don't like each other; it helps them feel secure and lets them focus on learning and growing. Your ex-boyfriendseems more focused on his own needs. In fact, he demonstrates behaviours that are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, bordering on 'parental alienation'. I agree this is a problem.I also appreciate how protective you are of yourself at this vulnerable time with the pregnancy. It's not unusual for pregnancy to trigger a need to conserve energy and reduce stress. Honour this instinct you have.I will suggest a few things to you. First, to gather support around you, professionally if you need it, from family and friends, and certainly from your husband. If you two are on the same page regarding the children issues and your ex, that will help. He can help run interference when it comes to his daughter. It will help you feel supported.Know that your ex's behaviours aren't happening because you did anything wrong; it's the way he operates (and maybe this is why you're not with him?). You can't change him, but you can stop blaming yourself for his immaturity and aggression. You're correct that he will always be there, and you can both accept this fact and also find ways to manage the situation.Keep on defining clear boundaries! You might sound like a broken record (\"You'll have to talk to my husband about that\"), but that's okay. It's okay to ignore his efforts to pull you into an argument or power struggle. It's okay to not respond to texts or other communications that aren't vitally important. It's okay to not let him into your house if it makes you uncomfortable. It's okay to not engage with him more than is necessary.Regarding his manipulative behaviours that reflect a tendency to keep your daughter from you, I recommend you document these behaviours and incidents carefully and fully. Let him know what your expectations are, simply and clearly and in writing (\"our agreement states X, and you are not following our agreement\"). Your daughter doesn't have to be aware; I think you already understand that she needs to be protected from the adult conflict.A professional therapist can help you with all of this. I hope this helps get you started towards greater peace, at least within yourself. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Why does my mom show more love to my brothers than me?", "questionText": "She treats me like I'm not in her presence. Shes always yelling at me for no reason. She gives more respect to my brothers than me, but only my brothers fight her while I respect her.", "answerText": "Attention is not equal to love and being valued. It may be precisely because your brothers demand so much more your mom's attention through fighting with her that she pays more attention to them. It is a common situation in families where the \"squeaky wheel gets the grease\" and the siblings or family members who don't demand as much attention end up feeling invisible. It sucks to feel invisible and it is important that there is attention for you and that you know how much your mom loves and values you. This sounds like an important conversation to have with your mom and if she is not able to really understand or help you address this concern you may want to suggest doing some family therapy where a skilled therapist can help you and your family work this out."}, {"questionTitle": "Some adult family members are acting erratically in my house", "questionText": "I am having a problem with extended family members who are inappropriately urinating in my home. They are peeing in cat litter boxes, bottles, and directly on floors and in corners of my house. Is there any literature that supports why such adults would behave this way? This is not a joke. I am trying to understand.", "answerText": "Hi,This sounds like a very challenging and upsetting problem - good for you for reaching out! My first thought is, these two adults may have a sleep disorder that could be contributing to the urination in inappropriate places. Since they are adults, and you can't force them to seek treatment, you might be able to suggest that there could be an underlying medical issue and advise they speak with a medical provider. . As far as what to do for yourself - set some firm boundaries. Be clear about the expectations of your home. Also include the positive and negative consequences should they decide to address or avoid this issue. I hope this helps you, your family members, and the pets!"}, {"questionTitle": "I had an affair almost two decades ago. Recently found out it resulted in a child", "questionText": "I am married to a beautiful lady. I love my wife with all my heart. We have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We also have 3 grandchildren. Now this event is tearing us apart. I want our family to be together and happy. It was a mistake from so long ago. My wife wants to leave and I don't want that to happen I love her so much. Please help me save my marriage. Even my 3 boys want us to work it out. They love us both and want our family together. Please give me some advice or hope. Sincerely heart broken.", "answerText": "If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm in love with a sex offender, but my family doesn't accept him", "questionText": "I started dating a guy I met online. He told me that he registered sex offender but he didn't do anything. He took a plea to always register as sex offender and he did two years. That was more than two decades ago. Nothing on his record since. I always believe the past should be left in past. But my roommates, their family and my son are unforgiving. Should I forgive this man that I'm falling in love with or should I dump him? If I stay with him I will never see my family and granddaughter again.", "answerText": "Thank you for your question. Trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken, or perceived as being broken, it takes a long time to repair. From what you shared, it sounds like your boyfriend took steps to correct the situation and has shown to be trustworthy since. Unfortunately, no matter how much we apologize for something we did or for something others perceive we did, there will always be those with hardened hearts and will not forgive. If you feel confident in your relationship, then trust your inner wisdom. We cannot control others but only ourselves. Respect your families wishes to remain in unforgiveness while at the same time, ask them to respect your wish to believe in him and be in this relationship. Good luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I overcome being jealous of my boyfriends mother?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Try to think of his close relationship with his mother in a good way. It means that they have a positive family structure which can transfer down to your own family if you have one together in the future.Despite your boyfriend having a good relationship with his mother, it will never be equal to the relationship that you have with him. A love for a mother is a very different love than one with a girlfriend or wife. There are certain things that he may look towards his mother for and certain things that he may look toward you for.So, instead of comparing your relationship with him to the one he has with his mother, try viewing them as two separate entities. She can not replace you, and you cannot replace her. However, all together, you can have a positive, healthy family dynamic."}, {"questionTitle": "Where does a child go for help?", "questionText": "I'm having issues with my relative. The police never believe the experiences I have been through because I am only a kid. I've even had trouble trying to reach a therapist because I said I wanted to get an adult to help me. Could you please give me advice?", "answerText": "I think it would be wise for you to call a hotline especially designed for children. It's called the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. The number is 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).It is completely anonymous and a trained therapist will be able to provide you with guidance, confidentiality, and can also help you make a report of you want.The call is completely free and they are open 24 hours a day / 7 days a week.I'm glad that you are taking steps to improve your situation. You are a very brave and an intelligent child.Please remember to call 911 if you are in immediate danger."}, {"questionTitle": "My parents are threatening to get rid of the only things I still care about", "questionText": "The last of my emotions belong to my pets. Today my dad said he might get rid of them tomorrow. If that does happen I might dig hole in the ground with a paper that says \"here lays my emotions. R.I.P.\" I practically have no emotions left and I came to the realization about this not being normal by comparing my reaction to certain situations to my family's. What's wrong with me?", "answerText": "It sounds to me like you have had a lot going on and now you are afraid you are going to lose the last things you care about, your pets. I do not know what all is going on in your family, and I cannot answer for your dads actions or his reasoning behind this.I would recommend that you focus on developing healthy coping skills. We cannot change what others do but we can change how what they do affects us. If you have all of your emotions and all of yourself tied up into one thing (like your pets) then when that thing is taken away it causes a lot of emotional distress. It is really good to have a wide variety of interests such as friends, hobbies, games, etc. Develop other things that you care about and are passionate about.Another reason for developing healthy coping skills to deal with whatever might be going on in your life is if you dont have healthy ones, you may develop some very unhealthy ones. You have to cope somehow, right? Developing unhealthy ways of coping with life is only going to make life more difficult for you.I dont know if this is what it is like for you at your house, but there are two kinds of household environments that can cause dysfunction in children. One is when you grow up in a very rigid stern household where all decisions are made for you and you feel like you have no control over anything. The other is a household where things were chaotic and you never knew what was going to happen next and had no stability. People need to have some stability in their lives and need to feel in control over some things in order to feel safe. Both of these environments can lead you to develop some unhealthy ways of coping with life. Please talk to a trusted adult about your feelings before it gets any worse."}, {"questionTitle": "Keeping secrets from my family", "questionText": "I have secrets in my mind, and I don't know what to do with them. I don't want to tell my wife and mom because I don't want to hurt them. But I'm not sure how long that I can keep the secret to myself. What should I do? It's becoming annoying and making me anxious. Help me out", "answerText": "It sounds like keeping the secrets has become a problem for you now. There are several things to consider before you make a decision.- You mentioned that you don't want your wife and mom to know because you don't want to hurt them why would it hurt them?- Is it necessary for them to know this information?- What are the consequences of either telling them the truth or not telling them? (for you and for your wife and mom).- Once you have considered these, think of what you would tell your friend if they were in your exact situation?- Also, if your wife or mom were in your situation right now, what do you think they would do themselves?- If your wife and mom were in this situation, how would you feel? Would you want to know the secrets?- How has keeping these secrets affected your own mental and physical health?Once you have looked at the problem from all angles, you will be able to better make a decision on whether it is right to tell them or not."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "This brings back when I was doing internship with Dr. Gray as a online coach. Although I may not agree with a lot of the things he did he has updated his techniques a lot these days. FYI I kind of one of those interns back then who suggested because I know what I was dealing with during war time with military and my own marriage it wasn't his experience. Cause it is the energy pattern the way your environment IT is 101 basic communications and you will still maybe have those men who love to hear themselves talk and if you even try to talk they tell you to \" shut up\" which is abusive and that is another issue. But like being hearing impaired or speaking german. You need a translator or a tool to help or you need to try and learn sign language or speak german Right. LOL. Its frustrating. Men only listen with one side of the brain ( work on that fellas ) women both sides. You might think \" is there something wrong with me\" It is not You its the delivery. I was around a lot of men with military. Many of their things about their pet peeve in a trusting intimate type relationship like marriage. Is \" women complain and nagg to much\" and women say.... \" but he doesn't do things\" Right? LOL. \" I am right and I am better\" But if you complain and nagg at a man too much he isn't going to listen. Trust me my cats are the same way. Like calling them and they ignore me LOL. ITs conditioning probaly he picked it up from his parents and so on.... What he is doing is detaching that is how he deals with it. \" so you think he isn't listening to you\" Roles today are different men and women are conscious relationships not like the old days we are dealing with both male and female sides. Empowered. You need to suppress your male side come back to your feminine not to go into him but him go into you.I have a book \" get your love life running\" coming back to your feminine side."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Thanks for your question. Communication is essential between couples and often times gets neglected in relationships. Working with your husband to help him become a better listener and consequently, a better communicator is going to take some work from your part. You have to calmly be able to express to him your concern and how it affects you. Very important is that you do it in a loving and non-threatening way. Therefore, the time to have this discussion is not when you are frustrated or need to vent to someone about something important. Focus the discussion on how both of you could benefit from having more meaningful conversations where both parties are being heard and how it is important to you that he hears you just like it is crucial for him to be heard. There is a lot of useful information online about how to be a good listener or therapist in your area that can help you. Be patient and genuine, and he will come around. Best of Luck, Mirella~"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Does he know you do not feel heard? People typically feed off our energy. You feel you are not being heard and do all the listening and if you want to take massive action towards your being heard, communicate your needs.He may not know how you feel and regardless your needs are key and seeking the support you need to move forward in a progressive way is essential. Get the support you need and deserve.Are there others in your life that allow you to feel heard?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "One of the keys to a successful and loving marriage is respectful communication. Have you talked to your husband about this in a calm and respectful way? You would have to bring this to his attention in a way that doesnt put him on the defensive because it could very well be that he doesnt realize he is doing this. An idea of how you could bring this up to him is by letting him know that you love him so much and you are surethat he probably doesnt do this intentionally but youve been feeling unheard when you tell him things. See what he says after you let him know this. Couples therapy could also help you both very much with issues like this that come up."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband.Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: \"why don't you...\" \"you aren't...\" \"you don't...\" Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack. Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another. If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Does your husband want to listen to you?Find this out by asking him the question!This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible.Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves.If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define \"listening\", which may be very different than his definition.Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded.What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples:Remember that you can only guarantee change in yourself. You can ask him to make changes, but you can't control whether he does or not. You can control your reactions and what you do about your own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the relationship.If you're going to talk about something important or you really want him to listen, first ask whether this is a good time.Try to talk to him without blaming, finger-pointing, or asking him to change (this can be difficult, but it also opens a lot of doors for effective discussions).Be mindful of your packaging. By that, I mean that you may have a very important message that you're trying to get across. If you able to say it in a way that is clear and wrapped in such a way that he can hear what you're actually saying, that is helpful. If you are talking in ways that are angry, or as I sometimes say, wrapped in spikes, that can be difficult to hear and receive. Rather than hearing what you're actually trying to get across, he may just hear the fact that you are angry.If your husband is able to listen to you and/or restate what you are saying and get it right or close to right, let him know what that feels like to you and how important it is.If you're asking questions, try to avoid \"why\" question and use \"what makes, how, when, where, who\" instead. Questions starting with \"why\" can not only be difficult to answer, but can also trigger a lot of emotions that some people are not ready to deal with right away.Also, keep in mind that listening and being able to reflect what you are saying does not imply agreement. This may be something that would be good to discuss with your husband just because he is hearing what you're saying doesn't mean that he's agreeing with you.Lastly, but importantly, some people really don't know how to listen effectively. There are people who just are not taught to do that until much later in their lives. Sometimes listening to someone can actually be very vulnerability-producing. It may be helpful to ask your husband if he knows what makes him struggle with being able to listen if you notice that he's really struggling."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my husband to listen to me?", "questionText": "I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?", "answerText": "Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel? I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way. He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are. So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than \"you never listen to me\" yes I do etc. Direct opener: I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve. Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse. Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return. If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish. You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better. If he refuses, tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him."}, {"questionTitle": "Why does my husband like dressing as a female in our bedroom?", "questionText": "He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I dont like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it.", "answerText": "It sounds like you may be asking two different questions.With regard to what you said about your husband dressing as a female in your bedroom, I wonder if you would consider asking him more about this. If you choose to do that, I would suggest that you ask him whether a certain time is a good time to have a conversation and asking questions for five minutes or more that are related to you learning more about his experience. This can be difficult to do at times, particularly when you may want to offer your own opinions or become very anxious or of type. Consider thinking of a phrase that may help you to stay calm during the discussion. It may be helpful to think of yourself as asking questions as if you were an investigative reporter and using questions that start with words like \"what, how, who, where, when.\" Questions that start with \"why,\" can be very difficult to answer for some people and can be overwhelming because it often links to answers involving emotions that may or may not be understood.Also try restating what your husband is saying to make sure that you are understanding correctly. If what he is telling you is different than what you have heard or thought of for many years, it may be challenging to follow his meaning initially. Remember that listening to your husband does not imply agreement with what he is saying, just that you are following and looking to understand what he is experiencing. I also recommend sticking to one topic for the conversation, but this could be done with many different topics over time.You could also see if he would be willing to have a discussion where he listens like an investigative reporter to learn more about the experience that you are having.As far as what you mentioned about the sexual experience, maybe if you can discuss what it is that you don't like and/or understand what it is that he does like, you could see if there is some middle ground here. It depends on what you both prefer.These types of conversations can be difficult to have for some couples, at least initially. Having structured conversations, such as the ones I've described briefly above, can feel awkward initially, but the reason it can be helpful is because it can lead to further understanding in a way that decreases the chances of having an argument.Also consider seeing a therapist in your area who specializes in couples to discuss some of these ideas."}, {"questionTitle": "I don't feel a connection to my husband anymore", "questionText": "I'm feeling different towards my husband. I feel I am growing from the relationship. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost five. I just don't feel that connection anymore. I feel nothing. I don't know why or if I'm just being irrational.", "answerText": "Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it.When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking \"how come I don't feel the same anymore?\"Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in!The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say \"do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?\" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's?Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love!Okay, now, you might read this and think \"that's not what's happening\". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly.I wish you happiness."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm disgusted by my own fetish", "questionText": "I have an overwhelming desire to watch my wife have sex with another man. I talked to her about it, and she said she will do it for me. The idea excites me to no end, but I dont want to because it disgusts me. How can I stop wanting it, or should I just give into it and do it? Ive been struggling for years with this. It wont go away. By the way, I am in my mid 30s and my wife is in her mid 40s.", "answerText": "Try to understand your own ambivalence to having your wish fulfilled.Since you and your wife are in a relationship, the sex she will have with another man will affect emotions in both you and your wife.I suggest you and her prepare emotionally before you both go ahead with the sexual arrangement,By anticipating any jealousy or feeling helpless or out of control, or in control, since it's your wish being fulfilled, all the feelings you and her are able to expect, you'll be more prepared for the actual emotions from the episode, which may also resolve your conflicted feelings about creating the event.There are a lot of unknowns in the situation you're considering. Having your partner, who will be key in satisfying your sex wish, be active in understanding these unknowns, is a good way of keeping your relationship strong overall."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband doesn't trust me", "questionText": "My husband doesnt trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security.Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears.On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom.If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband doesn't trust me", "questionText": "My husband doesnt trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.", "answerText": "The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you.The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back.Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process.The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed.The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust.As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track.The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust.Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner!"}, {"questionTitle": "My husband doesn't trust me", "questionText": "My husband doesnt trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.", "answerText": "It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "My husband doesn't trust me", "questionText": "My husband doesnt trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.", "answerText": "Hi Louisiana,It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again.You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him.As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "This is a fantastic question. In one sentence, I would say the following:Recognize that while you and your partner probably have common interests and areas of commonality, you are separate people, each with different wants, wishes, and desires if you consider a diagram of two overlapping circles, they may share perhaps a third of the circle with overlap to indicate commonality (could be more or less) and then there are parts of the circles that are not overlapping, indicating separate interestsAs for ways that may strengthen any relationship, even the great ones, this is what came to mind. There are certainly more specific unique answers or elements for different people as far as the details, but here are some general ideas:Try to have at least 15 minutes a week where you are spending time together and not problem-solvingRealize that listening to your partner does not mean that you are agreeing with them, it just means that you are saying that you hear where they are coming fromLearn to hold on to your own wants, wishes, and desires while also recognizing those of your partnerSet boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior during an argument or difficult discussionDiscuss how having important discussions can be anxiety-producing and consider having an understanding that if one of you (or both of you) feels overwhelmed, you can take a timeout for a certain amount of time. For example, you may say \"okay, I'm feeling really stressed about this right now. Let's discuss it in an hour.\" And at that time, go back to the discussionConsider what your partner's top three or four complaints about you may be. Check in with them and see how accurate you are. If you see validity in their responses, consider whether or not you may want to make changesDiscover what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or specialRelationships are always in progress and constantly changing. Some anxiety around change is typical. Being able to effectively discuss the anxiety and actually listen to one another without being defensive, name calling, finger-pointing, or asking each other to change is a true gift.You may enjoy this quote:\"Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.\" ~Brene Brown"}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "I appreciate your question.The answer of what makes a \"good marriage\" are as varied as there are marriages.Basically, similarity, like mindedness in beliefs and values, makes a good marriage.The best chance of getting along with someone on a longterm basis is when two people see life and the world in similar ways.Even though \"opposites attract\" this is a short lived dynamic which breaks apart when there aren't enough similarities in common between the partners."}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "In addition to suggesting this great read from 2016 (but feels timeless):https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0I will give my summary on what the author of the article is speaking to: don't get too comfortable. But, in truth, no one really has the answer to your question, otherwise wouldn't we all have a \"good\" marriage? Also, what even is a \"good marriage?\" What is it that YOU want from a marriage, a relationship, a partner, and what your other-half also wants for themselves, is going to be what defines all of this, because every relationship is different.And in answering that \"what YOU want\" question, you might actually stumble upon what would make for a healthy relationship: vulnerability. You will have to be vulnerable to be able to explore what you really want, and listen to what your partner really wants, as that kind of processing can be uncomfortable. But, with vulnerability comes intimacy, and in most opinions, there is much of a relationship if there isn't much intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "What a great question! Marriage (or any long-term committed romantic relationship) is never easy. Ups & downs, doubts and fights are a part of it justthe same as the wonderful, tender, blissful moments of connection. Recognizing that hardships are normal and something to work through is a big part of the healthy attitude partners in lasting relationships share.Some degree of conflict is not something to be scared of or a sign it's time to break upas long as all parties involved feel respected.Expressing your needs and wants in a respectful, not accusing manner will increase the chances that your loved one will actually listen, empathize with your perspective and will bemore opento finding solutions to your problems together. Working as a team to find solutions to problems you encounter is a much better approach than trying to persuade your partner that you are right, while they are most certainlywrong. Shutting your partner out orallowing resentment and contempt to creep into your relationships is definitely a warning sign that things maynot be going the way you want anymore.As long as you both agree that you want to be in that relationship (i.e., are committed to it) and you have a growth mindset (\"we will learn from this and grow together to be a better couple in the end\"), the foundation of your partnership is strong. What else?Making timefor each other, whether it's being playful, having fun or enjoyingintimate momentstogether is also an important part ofensuring a good balance of positive to negative experiences, that will only strenghten your bond. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "A resource I think is helpful to learn more about \"what makes a good marriage\" and steps toward doing so is Dr. John Gottman's book: \"Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.\"Dr. Gottman is a leader in this field and has done extensive studies with couples to determine what behaviors are key in making a marriage work and what behaviors could predict divorce. I think this book might be a good start if you're wanting to learn more about how to have a long lasting relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "When I ask my couples why are you together, they often will say \"because we love each other!\" Well, that's great, but it's not enough. Love is what brings us together in the first place. It's that magical, hormonal glue that creates a powerful biological bond that ensures we get together, mate, and have kids. When that magic fades, the difficult work of making good marriage starts. It takes more than love.You have to have a shared purpose, a shared reason for being together. For many couples, it's about having kids, or self-actualization, or buying a house. It can be anything, but a good marriage is one in which both partners can answer the question in the same way, and have thought and talked about before.Another sign of a good, lasting marriage is one in which each partner takes an active role in helping the other through hard times. When they disagree, they spend more energy trying to understand the other person instead of proving their own point. They can quickly drop the sword, listen and reflect accurately, and demonstrate care and genuine concern.Finally, a good marriage is one where there is affection. Notice I didn't say sex. I've worked with couples who haven't had sex in years, and they were the happiest couple in my practice. Sex doesn't equal intimacy or affection. I'm talking about cuddling, holding, hugging. I'm talking about that deep relaxation feeling you get when you just let go into the arms of your partner. That kind of affection. It's crucial!You deserve this kind of relationship, and you have everything in you to make it happen. Sometimes we just need some support and guidance. Don't hesitate to reach out for help. It can make all the difference.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "It's surprising how many folks talk too much on the subject;It's the same three things that make all relationships work:HonestyTrustRespect(in that order)Most folks fall down on the first :) (*coughcough* THERAPISTS! Heh heh heh...)"}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "Thank you for your question. A good Marriage is one that takes hard work and commitment. Being in a good marriage does not always mean good times because let's face it; we are dealing with 2 unique individuals with differences. A good spouse or partner knows to be patient and accepting. Knowing each other's strengths and imperfections and working with them to lift each other is how you strengthen your love for one another. A good spouse sacrifices their needs to see the other person happy. Don't get me wrong, that also means that it is important to have alone time to re-charge and re-focus our purpose in the marriage. In all, there is not a magic recipe for a successful marriage, but with time, work and purpose one can have a happy one."}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "In my mind, a healthy marriage has two participants, meaning both people participate equally in the intimate connection of marriage. An unequal participation comes in many forms, such as one person checking out of conversations when it becomes emotional, or speaking over and for each other in these conversations. Couples should strive for engagement and support, but doing it in a way that works for each person individually. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "What makes a good marriage?", "questionText": "What makes a healthy marriage last?", "answerText": "This answer varies based on you relationship. However, I do believe their are some basic fundamental areas that are beneficial for a healthy marriage:1.) Effective Communication2.) Trust3.) Love/Passion4.) Loyalty.5.) Unconditional Positive Regard.Everyone has their favorite qualities they feel best fit a marriage. However, these are what I think are great starting points."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband yells enough when I tell him he needs to change", "questionText": "That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.", "answerText": "I empathize with your feeling \"crazy\" hearing your husband yell \"enough\" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.When the immediate situation has calmed down, have you ever told him that this upsets you? Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.Sending good luck to both of you!"}, {"questionTitle": "My husband yells enough when I tell him he needs to change", "questionText": "That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.", "answerText": "It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, \"enough.\" Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An opendialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys."}, {"questionTitle": "Is my marriage worth saving?", "questionText": "All we do is argue. We never agree on anything.", "answerText": "Simply, Yes!Just because you argue, does not mean your marriage is not worth it. Couples disagree. They are different people from different worlds with different likes and dislikes. Trying to mesh these different worlds is tough, but does not mean you dont need to not be married.There are reasons why couples dont get along. Finding out why you cannot compromise and working towards similar goals can help. Talking about what you really want out of the marriage and relationship may show yall how much your relationship goals are similar. Then you can build upon that.Learning communication skills, listening skills and ways to improve your ability to express self without anger can help."}, {"questionTitle": "Is my marriage worth saving?", "questionText": "All we do is argue. We never agree on anything.", "answerText": "For how long has the arguing been occurring and does it relate to a specific incident or circumstance in your relationship?Arguing due to temporary stress and feeling lost or uncertain, is different than the two of you rarely agree on what foods to buy at the grocery store.In both temporary or longer term arguing, ask yourself if the points being argued are core principles of yours or matters which you can accept in service to the benefits you feel from the marriage.If your core principles are rejected, youve been arguing for an extended amount of time, and the value of the marriage doesnt outweigh this, then seriously consider if ending the relationship is a better option than to stay in it."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife is cheating and wont tell me the truth", "questionText": "I found out today that my wife is cheating on me. I love her, but she wont tell the truth even when I have proof. When I beg her to tell the truth, she yells, cusses, and gets a huge attitude.", "answerText": "Hi Prattville,I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question.If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say \"I need answers to all my questions\". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness.If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door.Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say \"I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth.\" Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well."}, {"questionTitle": "How can my marriage be fixed?", "questionText": "I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse.", "answerText": "One key factor to consider is, are you able to repair after your arguments? It seems from your question that repair is lacking after any disagreement or argument. When couples are able to repair after an argument, they have an opportunity to learn more about each other's needs moving forward.I'm also curious if you're having the same type of arguments over and over? If you're stuck in a particular pattern, and can start recognizing what happens between you when this pattern happens, then you can start to name it. Once you name it, then you can take a break to cool off and come back to each after your nervous system has had a chance to calm down (about 30 minutes). The key here though is to make sure you have a plan in place - when things are good between you - an agreement between you that when you both start to get escalated, you'll name it or have an agreed upon code word to signal you don't want to continue this cycle, and then agree to cool off and come back together at a later time. That way, when this is enacted during an argument, nobody feels abandoned during the cool off time. Rather, both partners know they will return at a time when they can truly hear each other and hear their needs."}, {"questionTitle": "How can my marriage be fixed?", "questionText": "I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse.", "answerText": "At the begin g of marriages, we expect to be living on an eternal honeymoon, but the reality can be different. This is a process of adaptation, even if you had known your better half for a long time, during the first months and years of marriage you go through a process of settling in your new roles and confront new challenges together that as you resolve become new rules and agreements.Yes, you can work this issues by practicing assertive communication, being clear with each other about what is the problem, how you feel about it and how would you like to resolve it. Learn to close arguments with resolutions, and reminding that you care about each other, thats why you choose to be together. Discuss your roles and expectations, this is normally done over a marriage preparation class, is never too late to sit down a talk about what you want and look for in a husband/wife and clarify your roles and rules. Find couples therapist who mediates communication and helps both of to you learn assertive communication skills and conflict resolution.Cmo puedo arreglar mi matrimonio?He estado casado por tan solo tres meses. Cada semana discutimos sobre algo y parece ponerse cada vez peor.Al inicio del matrimonio, esperamos vivir una eterna luna de miel, pero la realidad es diferente. Es un proceso de adaptacin, sin importar por cunto tiempo hayas conocido a tu pareja. Durante estos primeros meses se definen los roles en el matrimonio, tambin enfrentan nuevos retos juntos que segn resuelven se convierten en reglas y acuerdos.S, puedes resolver estos problemas practicando comunicacin asertiva. Deben aclarar sobre cul es el problema, como se sienten al respecto y como lo quieren resolver. Aprendan a resolver las discusiones con decisiones claras y recordando que si les importan uno al otro, y por eso decidieron estar juntos en primer lugar. Discutan sus roles y expectativas, regularmente esto se hace durante clases de preparacin matrimonial, pero nunca es tarde para hablar sobre lo que les gustara que fuera su matrimonio y lo que esperan de su pareja, as clarifican los roles y reglas que aplicaran a su unin.Encuentren un consejero matrimonial que les ayude a mediar los problemas de comunicacin y les ayude a aprender destrezas de comunicacin asertiva y resolucin de conflictos."}, {"questionTitle": "What makes my husband so selfish when it comes to my feelings?", "questionText": "If I tell him I don't like certain things, he does when it pertains to me. He tells me it's not like that. He never has anything to say about me until I tell him something about himself.", "answerText": "It sounds like there are issues with communication between you and your husband. Your perceptions of interactions that you are having don't sound like they match up. It would probably be helpful for you both to work on communicating using \"I\" statements (I feel----when you---). This is a more effective way of communicating your needs than directly criticizing the other person. If you work on communicating in new, less critical ways you both may learn more about your spouse's feelings and perspective."}, {"questionTitle": "About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me", "questionText": "Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?", "answerText": "First of all, my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is an extremely challenging obstacle to overcome. There are some things that you should consider. First of all, did he seem truly remorseful? If you felt in his heart that he was truly sorry for what he had done, it will give you a piece of mind that it was a mistake.Secondly, was he forthcoming with this information? How about with answering your questions after the truth was uncovered? If you found that he was still lying or not forthcoming, the sting is even more painful. He should be able to answer any question you have honestly and without hesitation.Thirdly, has he shown a positive difference after this experience? At this time, he should still be proving his faithfulness to the marriage, you and the children.Keep in mind that experiencing infidelity is a form of grief. It is not a quick process that can easily be overcome. What you are experiencing is 100% normal.My best suggestion would be to see a marriage therapist. Find out what drove your husband to cheat in the first place and decide if this aspect in his life has been resolved. I know its important for you to keep your family together but children can sense anger and frustration, this is not a healthy environment either. If you decide that you can no longer remain in the relationship, a therapist will also be able to help you cope with the separation along with addressing your children's needs.Please know that you are not alone and that unfortunately, many relationships have endured this very thing. It may also be helpful to reach out to people who have experienced similar obstacles. The web is a great resource to find groups whether online or in person to use as a support or sounding board.Best of luck to you and your family!"}, {"questionTitle": "About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me", "questionText": "Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?", "answerText": "To begin, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like many of the professionals have stated, infidelity is a very difficult obstacle to move forward from. It's not impossible. While forgetting is probably the hardest part, forgiveness is something that can and will happen. There are things you can do to help yourself.The first this is identifying what you feel is best for yourself and your children. That means being honest with how you feel being in this relationship on a daily basis and understanding how it's affecting you.Second, how is your relationship affecting the children. Do you feel that by staying in the relationshipthat it's affecting your daily interaction with them. If so, that' something to keep in mind.Next, Really looking at the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. A specific breakdown of what benefits come with staying and what are the ramifications. Vice-versa for leaving. Include your partner. I think being honest with him and letting him know what you are thinking is could be a great option. At least you aren't keeping something inside yourself to manage. Rather, you are being transparent to them. Sometimes a couple can come to an agreement that it may be time to end things and other times it may be best to keep moving forward with a serious plan to how to move forward. Regardless, if you can't trust him and that feeling will never go away it's time to address it. Couple therapy can be beneficial as well as a therapist can provide professional counseling to you.Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com"}, {"questionTitle": "About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me", "questionText": "Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?", "answerText": "It is completely understandable that you are struggling to forgive and forget this betrayal, and I'd like to echo the sentiment of Danielle Alvarez: infidelity takes time to heal from, so allow yourself to grieve and find the support you need. I'd highly suggest going to couples therapy and addressing all the issues that Danielle raised, especially whether he has expressed genuine remorse and is being completely transparent with you and is taking responsibility for the choice he made, including acknowledging the immense impact it had on you, your relationship, and your ability to trust him.If you have doubts about being able to trust him, he needs to be willing to earn back your trust and do whatever it takes to do so. If he accepts this challenge, then that is a good sign you are on the path toward healing your relationship. Also, please don't ever forget that regardless of what led him to cheat, it was his decision to take that action rather than addressing whatever issues he was having in your relationship. Couples affected by betrayal typically have some underlying issue(s), whether it is a lack of connection or intimacy or another factor, and it is possible to heal and grow even stronger as a couple after betrayal. Because you are grieving, though, allow yourself to acknowledge and accept your feelings of hurt and pain, as they will likely come in waves, but the pain will lessen over time and with supportive therapy, along with the commitment to repair your relationship-from both you and your husband.Also, in regards to your concern about hurting your children, keep in mind that parents model healthy relationship behavior for their children. If your relationship with your husband remains disconnected, untrusting, or bitter, your children will see that and not only feel sad that their parents are both suffering, but also grow up feeling that experiencing such ongoing pain is tolerable or even normal in a relationship. Having parents who learn to handle conflict or heal deep wounds in healthy ways is crucial for children's emotional and psychological development. Whether they see you heal together as a married couple or heal separately as loving but divorced co-parents, they will learn what it is like to expect healthy communication and boundaries in relationships, which I'm sure you want for your children! Take care of yourself, and I wish you much peace and healing.Also, here is a good book I would recommend, along with books by Gottman, as Rebecca Wong suggested:Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy"}, {"questionTitle": "About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me", "questionText": "Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?", "answerText": "Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: \"The Science of Trust\" and \"Making Love Last\" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here:https://www.gottman.com/private-therapy/"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I with my husband if he is mean?", "questionText": "I love him, but he doesnt show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.", "answerText": "What you are describing is a state of abandonment like no other; a direct lack of respect. The challenge here is: you cannot control another person no matter how hard you try. The only person that you have control of is yourself. So then the question that this reality poses is: What are you willing to change? If you love yourself and know that you have tremendous value, if you can see what you bring to a relationship and that you deserve respect and love and tenderness, then you will get to a point where you will settle for nothing less than that. The change that might be necessary in yourself is to change the way you see yourself, the way you treat yourself and what you accept. Your husband also needs to change and that is something only he can do for himself but reaching out to get help as well. It would be helpful for you both to get help because there is damage on both parts. You have much more power than you realize and talking with someone can help you to hone that power and make a difference in your own life. Sometimes, the difference/change can be walking away from a bad situation or it can simply be changing your attitude and raising the bar. Sometimes our loved ones come with us on the elevation, and sometimes they get left behind. You must do some deep introspection through therapy to get to the point where you can answer this question for yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I with my husband if he is mean?", "questionText": "I love him, but he doesnt show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Loving someone who doesnt respect or treat you well can be enormously difficult and painful. Many people who find themselves in an emotionally hurtful relationship say that it was wonderful when it first started, but that over time their partners behaviors changed and they became emotionally or physically abusive. I want to say right away that it is not your fault in any way if someone is abusive to you. It does not mean that you are broken or that there is something wrong with your character if you have not left the situation. People stay for many reasons, such as fear, finances, children, pressure from others, and love. Many people have had to leave their abusive partners who they still love to preserve their own safety and regain the sense of self they may have lost. It is a very difficult thing to do, even if you know it is the right thing. The person who really needs to take a hard look at themselves is the person doing the abusing. It is very common for mental and emotional abuse to wear away at someones self-esteem. This can lead to other problems, like depression and anxiety. These issues sometimes require professional support to manage, such as a counselor or perhaps a doctor who may prescribe medication. A counselor may be able to help you sort through your fears and concerns about staying or leaving. To look at things from different angles, and to help you decide what is best for you. You have not said that your husband has been physically abusive to you, but if that has been the case, then you must consider your physical safety first. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Getting help from professionals would be critical, and I would recommend your local domestic violence program. Whatever you decide to do is the right thing for you. I would encourage you to ask yourself honestly about your reasons for staying and the barriers that may keep you from going. You do deserve to be happy and emotionally safe. If you do not feel like you have that safety, then seeking someone to help you sort through these things is a good plan. I wish you well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Why am I with my husband if he is mean?", "questionText": "I love him, but he doesnt show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.", "answerText": "So many questions comes to mind when I read your words...Do you love yourself? What do you LOVE about him? What are you getting from this relationship that is good for you? What are you lacking in yourself that you allow yourself to be treated this way?....I can go on..If you can answer these questions, maybe you will answer your own question of WHY are you with your husband or even better, WHY you ALLOW your husband to be mean, show no love, disrespect you? You seem to lack self-worth...seek a professional to help you with this."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with my husband being mean to me?", "questionText": "My father is in the hospital and was diagnosed with leukemia. I have been dealing with that all day. My husband keeps getting mad at me for things that I said.", "answerText": "I don't know how long you have been married, but this might be a time to explain to your husband what you wish he could do for you in this moment. It could be that he is showing that he is getting mad at you because he is worried about you and it is just coming out wrong. Maybe he would be open to an honest discussion?"}, {"questionTitle": "My husband seems to be changing, and I feel angry and hurt", "questionText": "My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years.", "answerText": "It seems that you have been very disconnected from each other which naturally could contribute to symptoms of saddness and even depression. Obviously something has shifted which you do not understand. Therefore, perhaps you should consider attending Couples therapy to help work through your concerns and feelings? It would also be beneficial to assess if in fact any depression or other underlying issue is going on. Communication is so important in any relationship and the manner in which we express ourselves to our partner can either invite curiosity and emotional connection, or shut down connection. IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband seems to be changing, and I feel angry and hurt", "questionText": "My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years.", "answerText": "My first concern is you: As you stated, you have been emotionally starving for the past five years. Please try to find time for you; to clarify your thoughts and feelings by writing, talking to a trusted friend or family member and perhaps seeing a therapist.What's really going on with your husband? Does he discuss in detail his sudden change?Can the two of you still talk? Do you want the same things? Before you go to couples counseling, I suggest that you get some support first to feel grounded within yourself and your life. Make sure you are ready to hear what might come out of counseling. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I wrong because I dont want to sit on the same couch my wife had sex with another man on while we were still married?", "questionText": "I decided to stay and work it out. I just dont want to sit on the couch. Other than that, I have been getting over the situation. I don't feel it is fair that she expects me to sit on that couch and wont leave me alone about it. I can move on and continue to love, laugh, and play with my wife. I just don't want to sit on that couch.", "answerText": "Houston, It's normal for this kind of thing to be a trigger, so I get why you don't want to sit on it, but to keep refusing keeps the affair alive. Am I to assume that you can't afford a new one? Ideally, she buys you a new couch, but it certainly would be a gesture of love for you to do it too and it will help you both move forward.t will be interesting to see if there's anything else that keeps the problem alive after the couch is long gone."}, {"questionTitle": "Can my marriage be saved?", "questionText": "My husband and I have been together since high school. We have been married going on for nearly ten years, and we have three beautiful children. A few weeks ago, my husband decided he need some time apart and moved over to his dads for a while. He comes home to see the kids and acts like there is not too much wrong. Can this marriage be saved or is it too late? He said he would go to counseling, so I don't think he has given up.", "answerText": "While it would be impossible for me to say whether your marriage can be saved it sounds like you are both willing to give it a try and to get professional support. With appropriate professional support for your relationship a lot is possible. I'm not familiar with the resources available in Jackson but I'm sure there are some good local couple therapists and there may be some agencies that specialize in couple counselling and family therapy.So often the challenges that we have in relationships result from rather small habits in relating that lead to greater feelings of distress, loneliness, anger and resentment. I commend your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children. The following links provides more information regarding common behaviours that predict staying together or separatingand also videos and other resources that can help you get started.Wishing you and your family all the best on your journey of healing and discovery."}, {"questionTitle": "My husband seems to end his relationships with women whenever he has an infant", "questionText": "My husband and I would've been married for five years come June 2016. Our infant daughter just had her birthday. Shortly before, he told me he wanted a divorce. He has four other children, three of which are from his first wife. He decided to end that marriage when his youngest was an infant. The children do not have a good relationship with him now. He has another child from a woman he was dating. He decided he didn't want to be with her anymore when the child was an infant. It seems to me that there is a pattern. He easily detaches from relationships at the same time in the child's life but wants a relationship with them when they are older. I've tried to research online, but I'm not getting any answers. He also has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol and does not believe in mental health disorders such as depression and bi-polar disorder. He also does not believe in therapy or seeking help from professionals. Is there a detachment disorder or some form of mental block he could have? Where do you recommend researching this?", "answerText": "This sounds really difficult and I can understand your motivation to get to bottom of why this behaviour has occurred - especially if your husband (who sounds like he is an ex-husband?) continues to have a relationship with you and your children. With that being said - relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking for. In order for someone to be diagnosed with a mental illness or in order for them to identify what leads them to fall into particular patterns in relationship - they would need to be willing to seek help and honestly talk about their challenges, something that you say your ex is not willing to do. While it might be a relief to understand what is going on with him - it might be more comforting for you to get support for yourself in processing your feelings and everything that has come up for you as a result of his choices."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I move on from my husband's cheating?", "questionText": "My husband cheated on me and it hurt me very bad. It was a time when my health was poor. I'm have a hard time moving on.", "answerText": "How has your husband acted since then? Was he regretful? How did you find out? Did he confess? These are all things that you want to consider. Betrayal is very hard to get over so if it's taking you awhile to get over, know that this is normal.Hopefully you're husband has been very regretful and upfront and honest with you since this happened. It may take awhile to reestablish your trust with him and he should understand this.It's also very important to discuss WHY he cheated. You want to make sure that the reasoning behind this was not something that could arise again in the future. And if it can, there needs to be an action plan in place (i.e. being honest with how he's feeling) so that you both get a chance to rectify the situation.If the cheating has happened more than once, you may want to reevaluate your reasoning for staying in the marriage. It would be obvious that he did not truly regret what he had done or else he wouldn't repeat the same mistake. However, if it was a single event and he has shown you and continuously shows you that he genuinely loves you and is sorry for his mistake, I would give it a try. People do make mistakes and sometimes it takes an event like this to realize what you have.Know that it takes time and that you have the right to feel what you feel. If the relationship was a good, healthy relationship, it is worth saving. Ease back into it and be upfront with your feelings. In return, your husband should be patient and understanding of this.Also, marriage counselors are often a good go-to as they have a great deal of experience working with marriages in similar situations.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I let go of my dream wedding?", "questionText": "I have been with my husband for almost 7 years. We got engaged a little after 5 years of being together. I had always been clear that I wanted to get married and I sadly would drop hints about how i wanted him to propose. When he did propose it was during a random vacation that I had planned. I was happy but I couldn't help feeling disappointed too. I had told him numerous times before that I wanted him to do it in front of my friends and family. I know it sounds dumb to be upset but I couldn't help how I was feeling. We are now married but the wedding and ring were also far from what I wanted and it wasn't due to lack of funds. I know this is all material and the marriage is the most important thing but I cant help but get jealous and envious every time I see someone get a proposal or wedding that I had wanted. I cant help my anger because I know we only get one proposal and one wedding. What I wanted will never happen. I have been working on my feelings for the past year and half to get over it. I try to focus on our marriage but every time I see someone have the best proposals and weddings I get upset. I know it is selfish and I know its petty but I just can't control it. It's ruining our relationship because I constantly think about it. Plus, I get mad at him for small things because I am trying to hide the fact that I am so disappointed. Why can't I move on?", "answerText": "It's hard to let go of the dreams you had regarding your wedding and engagement. This was something that you and most women think about for years, so it's understandable to be disappointed. But please be aware that it is rare that any wedding is perfect. You may envy your friends' weddings but more than likely they had a few mishaps of their own and/or it wasn't as perfect as they had planned it either.However, like you know, the marriage is the most important thing. How many women are envious that you are in a happy, stable relationship? I assure you that there are plenty.Try to live in the present considering that dwelling on the past can still not change how you were proposed to or how your wedding day transpired. Focus on what you can control NOW. Perhaps, you can plan an extravagant renewal of your vows or change the look of your ring?I would also be upfront with your husband and explain why you've been short lately. But after that, close that chapter and move on. It sounds like you have a wonderful companion and you certainly don't want to lose this due to a situation that is impossible to change."}, {"questionTitle": "Can a therapist have a client admitted to an eating disorder treatment center if the client does not want to go?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Typically, a therapist cannot force a client to receive any treatment they do not want. In the end, it is the clients who get to decide what type of treatment they want.If a therapist believes that their client is in imminent danger of harm however, the therapist might have an obligation to take actions to protect their client. In such a case, the therapist would need to discuss the options with the client, and come up with a plan to best protect the client.In a situiaon like this, it would probably be a good idea to talk to the therapist about the possilbe positvies and negatives of the treatmetn center. A good therpist will be happy to have that conversation with you and allow you to make the final decisions about your own treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "Can a therapist have a client admitted to an eating disorder treatment center if the client does not want to go?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Short answer: No.Long answer: There are few instances where a therapist can break confidentiality and have a client involuntarily admitted to a treatment center. The therapist would have to believe the client is a danger to themselves or others or gravely disabled, at which point they would place a mental health hold. The client would be much more likely to end up at a residential treatment center for suicidal ideation than an eating disorder treatment center.If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder an outpatient therapist can help. If the client is not appropriate for an outpatient level of care the therapist would recommend a more intensive treatment level.Read more at denvermhc.com"}, {"questionTitle": "Can a therapist have a client admitted to an eating disorder treatment center if the client does not want to go?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The answer varies depending on what State you are in, whether the eating disorder treatment center is part of a larger psychiatric facility, and the diagnosis which the therapist states describes your psychological and emotional condition leading to the decision to admit.Also keep in mind that all practitioners have license to judge whether or not a person fits a category of psychological problem.This is adds another variable to the answer of your question.Basically, there are many variables and not one definite answer to your question."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I see a therapist without having healthcare?", "questionText": "I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.", "answerText": "Openpath.com is a great resource for therapists that offer affordable services."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I see a therapist without having healthcare?", "questionText": "I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.", "answerText": "There is an organization dedicated to helping individuals find affordable counseling. It is called Open Path Collective. There is a one time membership fee of $49 and it lasts for your lifetime. You then have access to local counselors/therapists who will see you for an extremely reduced rate, anywhere from $30 - $60. https://openpathcollective.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I see a therapist without having healthcare?", "questionText": "I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.", "answerText": "There are plenty of online providers within the mental health field that would me more than happy to speak with you immediately. Many of them provide treatment on a sliding scale fee. I would google online mental health treatment providers and that should lead you to a list of providers that can help you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I see a therapist without having healthcare?", "questionText": "I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.", "answerText": "Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often timesoffer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I anorexic?", "questionText": "I have been obsessed with food and my weight so much that it consumes my daily activities. I weigh myself 2-3 times a day and cut down on my food intake.", "answerText": "Anorexia Nervosa involves severe restriction of food intake, which can cause the body to go into survival mode. This process slows down important functions of the body to conserve energy. The consequences are dangerous and can be fatal.Some symptoms of anorexia are:Fatigue and faintingSlow heart rateLow blood pressureHeart failureOsteoporosis (reduction of bone density)Muscle loss and weaknessDehydrationKidney failureLanugo (layer of downy hair all over the body)Amenorrhea (loss of menstruation in women)Pregnancy complicationsThis Questionnaire Could Help:Do you feel guilt and remorse when you eat?Are you terrified of being overweight?Do you isolate so that you can eat?Do you avoid eating when youre hungry?Do you continue to eat even after you feel full?Do you take medication or exercise instead of eating a meal?Do you weigh yourself at least once a day?Do you evaluate yourself based on your body size and shape?Do you eat large amounts of food in a brief amount of time?Do you feel out of control when you eat?Do you make yourself vomit to avoid gaining weight?Do you regularly take laxatives or diuretics to lose weight?Do you exercise no matter how tired or sick you may feel?Do you skip meals in order to lose weight or to avoid gaining weight?Do you diet often?Do you exercise more than once a day?Do you hide food?Do your emotions affect your eating habits?Are you preoccupied with food or your body size?Do you avoid close relationships or social activities?Do you feel as if food controls your life?If you have answered Yes to any of these questions, you should seek professional help. This screening is NOT a diagnostic tool, and does not replace an official assessment. If you need help finding an eating disorder specialist in your area, please contact us at denvermhc.com"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop bulimia after 6 years?", "questionText": "I've been bulimic for about 6 years now. I'm in my early 20s. I am about to start back to school to become an RN, and I really need to get better once and for all. I lose control of myself and become angry and anxious and just eat and purge. Over and over. Can someone please point me in the right direction for help?", "answerText": "Eating disorders usually result from a sense of insecurity about who the person is, whether they are good enough compared with anyone else, and whether the way they person lives is effective.If you have a style you're already happy with to reflect on these sorts of topics, keep following your own logic with the aim to free yourself, which usually takes place gradually, from these sort of self-doubts.The other approach would be to find an unperson or an online discussion group where you'd be able to offer and receive the support from other people who live with a similar problem.Good luck in your studies!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle my binge eating?", "questionText": "I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?", "answerText": "Hello,This question describes a very typical setup of what is called the Binge, Repent, Repeat cycle. This means that typically after you binge, you experience emotions as you described \"shame and disappointment\" and then because of these emotions you \"repent\" (i.e. vow to never binge again, promise to \"do better,\" go to the gym, etc.) and then ultimately end up bingeing again.There are many coping mechanisms for binge eating and one of the best is actually attempting to NORMALIZE eating. Meaning you need to attempt to eat normally, eating appropriately portioned meals 3 times a day, with snacks in between. IF you binge, then it may be helpful to remind yourself that when you attempt to compensate for your bingeing behaviors, and you end up feeling restricted from over exercising or undereating, then this actually leads to a binge again. Thus, reverting you back to the cycle. If you binge, it will be helpful to try and get back on a normal schedule of eating instead of trying to compensate for the binge. Although it may feel counterproductive, getting back on a normal eating schedule will prevent you from entering into the restrictive cycle.It can also be helpful to remind yourself that the binge has already occurred, it is in the past and the goal is to move forward without focusing on the past. Focus on what you can do differently next time. What emotions or situations led up to the binge? What can you to do prevent or change the circumstances that led to the binge, or the way that you handled the situation?Lastly, if you're struggling with \"normalizing\" eating, it can be helpful to work with a professional that can provide counseling and coaching to help you learn how to eating normally, mindfully and without feeling the guilt and other harmful emotions sometimes associated with disordered eating. I would be more than happy to assist you if you ever have any questions or want to reach out to somebody. You can contact me via my website:http://www.maddenwellnessky.com/"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle my binge eating?", "questionText": "I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?", "answerText": "In dealing with an eating disorder you are far from alone. It is more common than you might think and tied to so many variables that it is easy for an individual to become overwhelmed in trying to navigate the influences of such variables. I have been working with individuals dealing with such challenges since 1998 and have found over the years that behavioral analysis is highly effective in helping you begin to isolate, understand and then be able to address many of these variable impacting your behavioral and cognitive choices. Consider finding someone trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT). There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of this approach to alleviating many of the aspects you identified in your post as well of a wide variety of tools that you can choose from and utilize that are able to practiced and assimilated into your daily tool box of coping mechanisms that end up becoming new behaviors and ways of thinking about issues that become automatic, the best possible outcome you can hope for if you want the solution to be sustainable."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle my binge eating?", "questionText": "I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?", "answerText": "The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction. You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort. Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength. Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress. It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt. Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you?Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time. You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food.Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on. Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention.Well wishes!!!!!!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I handle my binge eating?", "questionText": "I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?", "answerText": "I believe that for results that last, the best approach is to understand why someone feels like doing a certain behavior.\"Coping mechanisms\" are superficial instruction that people usually give up on when feeling extreme pressure from the problem behaviors.Take the slower road of understanding why you would deprive yourself of enjoying food.Also, if you consider the binging as a mistake of some kind, reflect on why doing something less than ideal, deserves harsh criticism and not tolerance and acceptance that people mess up occasionally.I'm glad you know that there are better ways of treating yourself. This is a valuable awareness of realizing you deserve patience and respect, not humiliation and severe criticism when you are lost as to best ways of self-care."}, {"questionTitle": "I hardly eat. But I gain weight instead of lose weight. Why?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "First step always is to have a medical evaluation so you are aware of any physiological conditions which may explain an answer to your question.If medically, there is no condition to explain why you gain weight instead of losing weight, even though you \"hardly eat\", then start noticing the types of food you eat.Almost all packaged foods sold in supermarkets and cooked by fast food places and shopping mall restaurants, are processed to have a long shelf life and are artificially colored and have flavors added to them.With the natural taste and texture gone, it is very easy to eat a lot more calories than your body needs, before feeling full.The extra calories become extra weight eventually.Also, it is possible that even with the most natural food choices, if there is a psychological reason for eating, such as stress or anxiety, then someone may not notice they are eating more food than their body needs.Sending good wishes on playing around with these ideas and finding an answer with which you're happy!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I train myself to stop eating when I'm full?", "questionText": "I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert.", "answerText": "I would recommend removing yourself from the environment you are in after you have finished eating. A simple walk around the block, calling up a friend and going to visit, or even going to another room in the house can help. If you find that you truly have no self control over food, I recommend attending Overeaters Anonymous; a 12 step group for those with compulsive issues related to food. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "I agree with Sherry that in a close intimate relationship, you are entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others. These questions help couples to build connection and trust. It's based on the idea that if you reach out to him for whatever reason (support, openess, understanding, empathy), you can count on him and can expect him to be responsive. How he responds to your question will give you an idea whether he helps you to feel more emotionally secure and builds trust or if you feel that you cannot be open with him. If your partner responds in an open and understanding manner, it usually indicates that he cares about your feelings and values your importance. If he responds in a defensive manner, it could mean that he does not like that you are questioning your trust in him or that he has something to hide. Either way, you may wish to explain that building trust is something that is very important to you in a relationship and that talking to him openly helps to foster that. If he continues to be defensive or evasive, then there might be some bigger issues at stake and the two of you may benefit from couples counselling or having a discussion about the values that are important to you in the relationship and how the two of you will go about supporting those values with actions.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "If you'd like to ask a question, then go ahead and ask!Boyfriend/girlfriend is a close relationship and it is usually understood as an exclusive relationship. You're definitely entitled to know if your wishes to not have him texting another woman, are being respected.Often people are afraid to ask because they fear the truth will hurt them.In the short term this is definitely true.In the long term, knowing you are getting what you want and at the very least stating your expectations to your boyfriend, will clarify for him, what is meaningful in your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "The best way to get an answer is to just ask. I would defintelylet him know you are asking out of concern and not to judge or criticize. Allow him to explain his answer and see how you feel about it. Try to ask him when you both are already discussing other topics and just say, \"Can I ask you something?\"Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?", "questionText": "We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.", "answerText": "Would you be open to bringing it up in a matter-of-fact manner? Like who is she, what do they have in common, what do they talk about, but ask in a non-accusatory way, more like if he was talking to a guy. Ask in a general way. Be ready for however he responds and have an idea of how you will handle his response."}, {"questionTitle": "Why wont my boyfriend for almost two years talk about our future together when he says hes in love with me?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There are a few possibilities that might be keeping your boyfriend from talking about the future, but the best way to find out for certain is to ask him. If your desire is to have a permanent relationship with your boyfriend, two years should be plenty of time for him to determine whether or not he also wants this and if not yet, he should be able to give you a reason why.People who drag their feet in the area of commitment sometimes do so because they fear commitment itself and the thought of permanency is terrifying to them. Such fears might be grounded in past failed relationships, past history of abuse or neglect, or just pure selfishness and a related fear of what they might have to give up in a relationship.Another common reason for people to avoid talking about permanency is because there are things in the relationship that they feel may need to change before the relationship becomes more committed. Financial and career issues are common reasons for postponing commitment. Other issues may have to do with taking care of other family responsibilities such as raising children from previous relationships.The most important thing to remember I think in managing your own feelings in this relationship is that you have the right to ask questions and to have a conversation about your future. You are part of this relationship and you deserve to know what types of barriers are there that prevent this relationship from becoming permanent. True love needs to be grounded in truth.Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why wont my boyfriend for almost two years talk about our future together when he says hes in love with me?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The good news is you're aware of what you'd like from your relationship.The possible less good news, is that your boyfriend's ideas for the relationship are not similar to yours.Really, you will only find this out for sure by deciding to start the conversation about your expectations and ask about his.People have as infinitely different ideas of what, if anything generates from feeling in love, as there are people on this earth.Speculating and theorizing about how he combines love and a future with you, at some point are better answered directly by him.You sound ready to find out his reality in order to compare it with yours.Sometimes people are afraid that the answer they'll hear will disappoint. While this is possible, it is also possible you will be greatly surprised in a very happy way. What if he was being shy and hesitant to tell you his wish of being together with you for many years?Either way the answer turns out, you will gain as a person by appreciating your own need for peace of mind by knowing clearly what your future with this man will be like."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "AWW at least she is honest and a \" crush\" is that. Stay true to who you are and she maybe testing the relationship and feel strained from the distance. There are ways to communicate to a woman to bring her closer."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "I can only imagine how hard that must have been to hear. On one hand, most of us would say we want our partners to always be honest with us, but on the other disclosures like this can lead to feelings of worry and inadequacy if we're not careful. So let me first of all say that it is very normal for human beings, even very committed and happy partners to have moments where they notice an attraction for someone else. Quite honestly, the brain can't help it. It sees something good looking and it pays attention. And when we pay attention to something good, our brains send out neurochemicals associated with that happy thought...and we get a rush of what your girlfriend is labeling \"a crush.\" The difficulty here is deciphering whether she was just attempting to honor her commitment to you by sharing this feeling OR if she is continuing to feed those feelings. I would encourage you to thank her for being honest if you haven't already, and ask her to further describe the nature of these feelings and what she'd like to do from here. As weird as it is to say, at the end of the day, what helps the most is typically reassuring yourself that you WILL be okay not matter what! That it is worth it to invest in your relationship and give it your all and if someday, god forbid, this woman chooses to walk away, then she is not the one. Will it hurt? Of course. But is it the end? Hell no! There are 7.5 billion people on the planet and I firmly believe statistically speaking alone, there are at least several hundred thousand that could be AMAZING partners for you. Cheering you on,Tamara Powell, LMHCP.S. You might enjoy this excellent book by Esther Perel for further inquiry into the fascinating world of love and mating behaviors: \"Mating in Captivity"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about \"the crush\". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that \"absence makes the heart grow fonder\" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have \"shared\" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, not just for the lack of communication, but also because of the lack of intimacy that comes along with it. Even if you have spectacular communication while in a long-distance relationship, it is difficult to maintain intimacy because you are lacking in the physical contact aspect of intimacy. Here, we are not talking about sex, but about the emotional connection that happens along with physical contact. It is also hard to have shared experiences when the two of you are in separate places. These are the challenges that you face, but there are some ways to improve your odds.The first thing to remember here is that dating is all about finding a person that you want to eventually dedicate your time, resources, and self to. If either of you finds that the relationship is one that you are not necessarily committed to, it is better to find out and have the opportunity to date others before a commitment is made. The second thing to remember is that open communication is a good sign in a relationship. That being said, I do not believe that sharing details about your \"crushes\" is the best thing for a relationship. Instead, I would recommend working on improving the relationship as best you can. It is a wonderful thing when we can feel that we have given our best efforts on something, especially something as important as the act of loving.Here are a couple things that you can do to improve even a long-distance relationship. Start by downloading the Gottman Card Decks App here https://www.gottman.com/couples/apps/. While on the phone or video chat, try asking each other some of these questions so that you can build a deeper knowledge of one another. Some may seem silly, but they help you know the other person more intimately. It is also helpful to make sure that you are having regular communication with each other. Some situations make it very difficult to communicate, but if at all possible, daily communication via phone or video chat would be best. Even if it is just for 30 minutes a day, really dedicate your time and attention to each other during those calls. Next, it can be helpful to know each other's love languages so you can show each other how much you really care. Take the assessment for the 5 Love Languages and talk about the results together. You can find the assessment here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/Attraction to other people is completely normal and involves biological processes. Intimacy, on the other hand, creates real connection and dedication to each other. Learn about each other, spend time together, and you will create intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a crush, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Discuss with her boundaries and discuss what would occur if this crush becomes more than originally anticipated. Decide what you would do individually if any of this occurs. Ask yourself, if you trust her especially given the long distance. Open, candid conversations would be crucial as you go thru this process."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "You didn't define \"long distance\" or the specific circumstances leading up to it. That having been said, if there is any way you could precipitate a Face to Face, even if it's by Zoom, FaceTime, Skype or the like. You two need to have an honest discussion about how long distance is working out for both of you, and she would do well to define \"feelings\" and I'd want to know more about \"just a crush.\" Sure we sometimes have passing fantasies about someone, probably human nature, long distance relationships may be more prone to letting those fantasies cross over into reality. Without being confrontational (and I do know what I'm asking), suggest that you get together to talk about what she's going through, why she thinks this crush came up, and whether it might impact on the relationship between the two of you. So you have an agenda. Before that conversation, listen to your own head and heart, do you trust her implicitly, do you love her unconditionally, and does she feel the same about you. You get to both ask and answer this question \"How would you feel if I said that same thing to you\" and you're going to tell her how you do feel. Best of luck to you, not an easy one."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "She actually told you that!? You guys must have created a great amount of safety in your relationship where she felt safe enough to disclose something so intimate for her to you. First question is how do you feel about that knowledge? What is coming up for you? Where do you feel it in your body? I'm curious about these questions, I wonder what you fear about having this knowledge. What does this remind you of? What is your deep limbic system letting you know? Notice whatever it is! Look for a therapist who does brainspotting to to go further so that your subcortical brain can continue to figure out how to deal with this. Hopefully this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a \"crush.\" If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away. It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that youve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush. These are some clear strengths in your relationship. Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page. Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship. Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well. Youve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it. Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with a crush in a relationship?", "questionText": "Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?", "answerText": "Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him?", "answerText": "First sending you This would be the clingy or needy action yes. I would suggest talk therapy finding someone to share these feeling with a professional. One that has spiritual counseling background like myself so we can work on self care and self love. Til then here are some tips:!- Breathe- You may find yourself not allowing yourself this.2- Take a break- It is healthy to pursue other things so that you are not so needy3- Connect- Practice Mindfulness not Mind Full.5- Beauty Journaling- I have this awesome beauty self care journal you can get on amazon. It will help you to start."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him?", "answerText": "Dependency doesn't necessarily need to be a negative, as there is a moderate amount that comes with a healthy relationship. I.E., depending on your boyfriend to be emotionally there for you when you have a bad day is a sign of healthy relationship between you.It sounds like your dependency on your boyfriend has gotten to a place that is causing you discomfort and distress. It seems like doing some introspection, reflection, and work on yourself will help you individuate your identity and find yourself as an entity separate from your relationship. This takes effort! We have to spend literal time with ourselves in order to create space for our own identity.Start with a simple exercise like compiling a list of values or core beliefs that you hold and that are important to you, and try to uncover the things that remain both inside and outside your current relationship; the things that you know would exist for you no matter who you're sharing your life with. Follow this by evaluating how much of those values are supported in your life, and how you could align your life more with them and give your energy to the things that are important to youridentity. It's okay if they're also important to your relationship, that's how humans work!Doing this work can help you get back in touch with who you authentically are, and allows you to build insight around your needs and boundaries."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him?", "answerText": "Create what I call the Intimacy Incubator where you begin to self-generate the love acceptance validation sense of belonging you feel you get from him. Start to lessen the dependency more and more over time until you feel you are not as dependent upon him.What exactly does he do for you that helps your sadness? Find ways to give that to yourself, or find other activities that lift your spirit that do not include your being so dependent on him. Also consider if you were in his shoes and you had been bestowed the responsibilities of being someones soul key to joy, and how consuming that could be. If someone you knew were in your shoes what would you advise?This video could be of benefit3 STEPS to HEAL"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him?", "answerText": "From what you write you've got good motivation to change and awareness as to what you'd like to change.These are very good predictors that you'll be successful in what you'd like to change.Try, the next time you realize you're depending on your bf instead of friends, yourself, to interrupt whatever typical action you'd take.Do something different instead!If when you'd like advice and usually ask your bf, ask a different trusted someone.Or, when you feel lonely, contact a friend or introspect on your own if usually you'd contact your bf.Also, being dependent on a bf is part of a trusting intimate relationship. Dependency in the sense that you each are reliably available to each other, is a good quality.Only if it seems excessive, such as you're isolating yourself from other close friendships, is dependency on a partner, a problem."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him?", "answerText": "Recognizing that you're too dependent on your boyfriend can be a wakeup call and an excellent opportunity to work on your own personal growth and independence. It sounds like it's time to explore and develop your own interests and engage in some activities that excite and challenge you. If you have time, it could be useful to begin a new activity or class, cultivate friendships outside of your relationship with your boyfriend, and begin to reflect and meditate on ways to enhance your own personal fulfillment."}, {"questionTitle": "My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't", "questionText": "I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", "answerText": "If I understand you correctly, this \"maybe-boyfriend\" has done a partial break up, and wants to maintain a partial relationship. Is that ok with you? And, if it is, what does it cost you? He says he's \"done\" but still wants the connection. That seems to leave him free to explore other options, but it doesn't allow you to do the same.Break ups are painful, and I know you'd like to avoid that. I get it that you feel attached to him - you have been in a relationship with him for 4 years, so that makes sense. However, loving him appears to be costing you a lot, without much in return.If you wait for him to define what he wants, you could be on hold for a long time.Please don't wait another year to advocate for yourself. See a therapist who can help you figure out what you need out of relationships and why you have allowed yourself to be on \"pause\". It is possible that once you get clear, you will be able to have a true relationship with him. If not, please don't settle for this.Take good care of yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't", "questionText": "I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", "answerText": "That does sound very confusing...and hurtful. You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you. It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him. You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you."}, {"questionTitle": "My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't", "questionText": "I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", "answerText": "Have you brought up the topic as to the way you're feeling?The best way for someone to understand us or to understand someone, is to directly talk about the specific problem.To start the discussion w your partner, understand your own reasons for continuing the relationship.Given his stated disinterest in the relationship, your mood is probably affected by this.Once you are clear on how the range of your feelings, especially any fears on being alone, suggesting you may be staying w this guy simply to avoid such fears, then you'll be ready w your self-knowledge, to start a conversation w your partner about your relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't", "questionText": "I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", "answerText": "This can be difficult and confusing.If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling.If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations.Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with \"why\" because they can be emotional triggers for some people.If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples."}, {"questionTitle": "I just feel so alone", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "You are valid! Do you have anyone in your life you feel you can trust and feel uplifted when you are around them? Sometimes e have to create our own tribe, soul family, of people who fill our cup, leading us to feel good about life and ourselves. Also filling our own cup with knowing we are valid, worthy, enough. The people in your life now may not be the ones who can do that for you, but there are people who can, it is a matter of seeking them out and finding them. Also in the meantime, fill your own cup, with the love, acceptance, belonging, and validation you seek. I wanted to share this videoI am ENOUGH - Guided Meditation"}, {"questionTitle": "I just feel so alone", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "We feel alone because we are not comfortable with being our self. When you find that nobody is around do you feel alone? Your never alone. Once you take the journey to really understand who you are and unconditionally loving all that is you, there will never be an alone moment.We seek outside of self to fill inside. This is the big lie of the planet. All you need and have ever needed you supply yourself.www.lifecounselingorlando.com"}, {"questionTitle": "I just feel so alone", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "Hello there. Thank you for sharing your heart here. I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often. Many feel alone with one another quite frequently. THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person. In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me. Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people \"listen\" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its whenyou follow up by inquiring and listening to others thatyou may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do.And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected. Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance. Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too.Or in other words, not bein'ok' withmyself makes it difficult being with others. Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person? These are just some thoughts to consider. Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things... we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely.Kindly-keith hughes M.A. keithcounseling.com"}, {"questionTitle": "I just feel so alone", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "Although we can have moments when we feel alone, even with the presence of family and friends, feeling alone most of the time could be a sign that there is a lack of connection between you and your loved ones. Generally, the lack of connection can occur when you don't feel heard, understood or valued. These are common emotional needs that result in a good and secure emotional connection that reduces feelings of loneliness.You mentioned that \"they listen but don't understand.\" Do you communication clearly about what you need emotionally (understood, accepted, valued, heard, empathized)? To help you ask for the right type of support, you can ask yourself what it is about the situation that is bothering you and how you would wish for your friends and family to respond to you. The result may be an answer that is more informative to your loved ones. For example, you might say, \"Thank you for listening to me. When I feel alone, I feel like nobody cares about me because everybody seems busy with their lives. I just wanted to hear and feel that I'm valued by receiving caring messages and phone calls.\"Dr. Virginia Chowwww.psychologyresource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "I just feel so alone", "questionText": "I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?", "answerText": "You ask a very deep and sensitive question which reflects good self-awareness.It is possible you are a more sensitive and aware person than the people whom you describe as listening and not really hearing you.Not everyone has the same capacity or willingness to pay careful attention to what is going on in life.Maybe for right now, until you are able to find in person friends whom you're able to feel hear you the way you'd like to be heard, find online forums and groups of likeminded people.If you google a topic which you wish your friends would be better at understanding, there will be scores of groups, including google groups, which come up.You're not alone in the sense that there are definitely people on this earth who are sensitive, caring, and willing to talk and understand others."}, {"questionTitle": "Why is it hard for me to express myself?", "questionText": "I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel?", "answerText": "I wanted to share these two short books (see below). You could also look into working on your throat chakra which deals with speaking your truth, self-expression, being heard.Communication Crunch High Impact Communication"}, {"questionTitle": "Why is it hard for me to express myself?", "questionText": "I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel?", "answerText": "\"Practice makes perfect\"!Simply by expressing yourself and listening to if others listen and understand you, then modifying your next try with whatever improvements you think of based on the impressions you feel others have of you, will progress your self-expression.Also, one way to lessen the tension before speaking to someone is to tell them you feel unsure on how best to express yourself. This way you've prepared them to be patient with whatever words you do state."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I keep a long distance relationship going?", "questionText": "We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?", "answerText": "Hello. You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a long-distance relationship. Although maintaining a long-distance relationship has its challenges, with the proper communication, commitment, and understanding, many long-distance couples are able to thrive and maintain a close connection.Without knowing more about the \"complicated\" nature of your relationship, I wonder whether your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him that makes afraid that he will find someone else. Has he cheated on you in the past and has shown romantic interest to another person that made you fear losing him? Or, is your thought just a fear but not based on evidence? Knowing that distinction is important because if it is the latter, you may benefit from refocusing on the wonderful qualities about your partner that makes you feel good about him and the relationship rather than focusing on the unknown or uncertainty of the future. The more you focus on \"what if\" situations, the more you may feel anxious about a reality that is not accurate and make you act in ways that are insecure.However, if there is reason for you to question his fidelity, you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust in the context of a long-distance relationship. To help the conversation, you may need to consider what you may need to experience or receive as support to feel safe in the relationship to build trust. Is that you wish him to contact you regularly, or to include you more in his life, or to make a clear commitment? For many of my clients in my private practice, that may include talking to their partner often and using a variety of modalities including text, phone, and Skype. It's hard to believe in a relationship when you never talk to your partner, and it's hard to build a relationship when you don't know what's going on in your partner's life. Other times, it is Making sure they talk often to their long-distance partner so that they can participate in each others lives and to feel their presence.. Regular communication, understanding and caring is the key to sustaining any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance ones.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I keep a long distance relationship going?", "questionText": "We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?", "answerText": "Communication is key! Find ways to communicate as often as possible. Also,evaluate if you trust him, that goes a long way to know how to keep the relationship going. This Article Could Be of assistance.Long Distance Relationships: A Survival Guide"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I keep a long distance relationship going?", "questionText": "We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?", "answerText": "Loving someone in the military is hard. My husband and I joined the USAF two months after we got married! How long do you expect to be apart? Do you have access to Skype or something similar? How far away from each other are you? Can you meet half way periodically? I have a number of military friends who have dates over the miles with facebook live. They pick a restaurant, order, and talk about their day. It's super cute and sweet. What are some things that you have tried?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I keep a long distance relationship going?", "questionText": "We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?", "answerText": "You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will. The military may add stress.This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try."}, {"questionTitle": "Why doesn't any guy want to date me?", "questionText": "I have high functioning autism and I have been on a lot of dating sites like meet me, match, and zoosk. I haven't had any luck on any of the dating sites I have been on. I really want a boyfriend but I don't know what I should do. I just want to be in a relationship. How can I meet someone?", "answerText": "Are there dating sites for people who have autism on the high functioning end?If not, then find out the names of different organizations which support people who have autism. At least one of these groups will have some guidance as to social activities for dating or even specific sites for dating when autism is a criteria.All the rejection on dating sites is rough for anyone to handle.How do you know that you're being passed over by guys who are on dating sites because you have autism? Any reason is possible.Unless you've heard from a few particular guys that their reason for looking beyond you is because of your autism, it is possible you're in the same boat as everyone else who feels similarly frustrated by dating site rejection!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why doesn't any guy want to date me?", "questionText": "I have high functioning autism and I have been on a lot of dating sites like meet me, match, and zoosk. I haven't had any luck on any of the dating sites I have been on. I really want a boyfriend but I don't know what I should do. I just want to be in a relationship. How can I meet someone?", "answerText": "Hiki is a friendship and dating app for the Autistic community. It is a place to feel safe, find friendship or love, and most importantly, to be yourself. Also try disabledmate.comOr goggle dating sites for the autistic. This will allow you to date someone who understands and allows you to start out with someone who is compassionate and sensitive to your unique needs, desires, preferences."}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't", "questionText": "Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?", "answerText": "We women really do tend to struggle with the comparison game. And Hollywood culture hasn't helped with romantic comedies and song lyrics telling us that when a man appears evasive, there's something to worry about.It's been my clinical experience though that most women value transparency and security in their relationships. So you might try sharing a little bit more about your history with this woman. For example:Where did you meet her?How long were you friends before you decided to call it quits?Why don't you want to be friends with her (i.e., what do you mean by \"kind of crazy\")? I promise this tends to matter to women.Were you ever intimately involved with or even attracted to her?If your girlfriend can truly see that you view her as the filet mignon to the other woman's hamburger, and that she is your favorite person on the planet and has NOTHING to worry about, she may start to come around.Now, IF she's more concerned that you might be taking this woman's calls behind your back, while I'm not typically a huge fan of sharing passwords or phone records, you might print them off and highlight this female's number and show your girlfriend that you absolutely are telling the truth.And if you really want to step it up, I would be intentional about doing all the little things that you know your girlfriend loves that helped make her fall in love with you in the first place (e.g., little love notes for her to find or sweet text messages, buy a rose or her favorite flower, have her car detailed, do the laundry...date nights...you get the idea). Bottom line - show your girlfriend why out of all the women on the planet that you could be with, you CHOSE HER. And would continue to do so all over again. AND why you love HER as a person. This will help her trust what you're saying.Best of luck to you! Tamara Powell, LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't", "questionText": "Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?", "answerText": "One area to view is trust. If she does not trust you then that is an area to delve deeper. Sometimes people project onto others what they are dealing with themselves."}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't", "questionText": "Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?", "answerText": "Do you know why your girlfriend doesn't believe you?It is strange that your girlfriend prefers you to take the phone call of another woman.Have you blocked the unwelcome phone calls?Has your girlfriend said she doesn't believe you or is this your interpretation?Find out the answer and then ask your girlfriend to tell you her reasons behind her thoughts.It is much easier to help someone understand a situation if the person is engaged in a conversation.Whether or not she understands is up to her.All you can be responsible to do is to offer your explanation, which sounds like you've already substantially offered.Keep or reintroduce the topic for the two of you to talk about again."}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't", "questionText": "Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?", "answerText": "Open and honest communication can go a long way in situations like yours. Your girlfriend may be suspicious if you don't give her enough information. Answer her questions fully. Ask for her suggestions as to how to handle this female friend. Ask for your girlfriend for help in getting the female friend to understand that you are not interested in continuing the friendship. If you are honest with your friend, your girlfriend will probably feel like you are being honest with her."}, {"questionTitle": "I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him", "questionText": "I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the \"perfect guy\"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?", "answerText": "The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without. And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner? Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself. He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you. Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are. On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you. He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him", "questionText": "I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the \"perfect guy\"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?", "answerText": "Hi Montgomery,Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say \"Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me\". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question \"Are we physically attracted to each other?\". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough."}, {"questionTitle": "I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him", "questionText": "I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the \"perfect guy\"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?", "answerText": "Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you \"should be\" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him?The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men.Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man \"everything else is perfect about him\". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love."}, {"questionTitle": "I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him", "questionText": "I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the \"perfect guy\"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?", "answerText": "Long distance relationships have their challenges, and I am wondering if part of the missing attraction is due to the distance. Has the relationship always been long-distance, or is this a change? How do you feel when you are visiting one another? Are you distracted by your lack of feelings of lust for him? Or do those thoughts mostly come up when he's not with you? And the men you find yourself lusting over--are they men you see in real life? Perhaps you are experiencing moments of lust for these other men because it's too painful for you to experience them about someone who is far away and not physically accessible to you.It is normal for physical attraction to ebb and flow over time. And it is normal to be attracted to other people outside of your relationship. Being in love with one partner and building a life does not mean you stop having normal, human urges about other people you find attractive. Being in love doesmean choosing that partner over others despitethose urges of attraction.There are many reasons you might wake up and fall in love all over again. But I would offer that those reasons are harder to experience in a long distance situation. Physical attraction is \"easy\" because we can experience that reaction based on a picture. But the day-to-day things a partner might do to make you feel loved, secure, cared for, and honored (which could give the same falling in love all over again feeling) are harder to experience and trust when you aren't physically together.If the relationship is great and he's the ideal man in many ways, give some thought to what the next step for your relationship could be other than marriage. Is it possible to spend a significant amount of time together? If your potential marriage wouldn't be a long-distance relationship, then it might be worth exploring what it would be like to be in each other's life day in and day out."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I let myself trust my partner?", "questionText": "I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?", "answerText": "What's most important is that you recognize that what you've been doing is off base - that what you've been feeling is \"overreacting,\" that you have \"insecurities,\" and you suspect your actions and reactions are connected to your own past and not to the current situation or to your partner. That's an excellent first step because without recognizing these things about yourself, it's unlikely that you would change.That said, you sound as if you are really ready to start some therapy to work on your own personal growth... not because there is something \"wrong\" with you, but because you're ready to learn more about yourself and make some creative changes in your behavior. Yes, there are lots of self-help books and courses, but we humans often make the most progress when we have support inreal-timefrom another human being who can sit with us, point out our blind spots, and teach us some skills that are hard to learn on our own."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I let myself trust my partner?", "questionText": "I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?", "answerText": "Two paths are possible.You're not overreacting and instead are genuinely sensing that something feels unsettled within your girlfriend.You are overreacting because you have difficulty accepting how safe and loving your relationship is with this person.The only way to find out is to start conversations with your girlfriend on how you feel.This will allow new light to open an answer as to the truth.Once you know what truly is going on between the two of you, your self-trust naturally will grow stronger.Self-trust will give you an accurate read of what and whom you are able to safely trust."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I let myself trust my partner?", "questionText": "I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?", "answerText": "Remember that all relationships center around 3 simple values: HonestyTrustand Respect......in that order, too...If you are unable to trust, then you are fundamentally dishonest about something in yourself;Moreover, whatever you do not honestly experience, you do not honestly express out to another;To be honest with oneself is where most people fall down... and, when you do fall down, pick yourself up... and get back on the horse :)"}, {"questionTitle": "My new husband constantly talks to himself", "questionText": "However, it seems as though he is really talking to someone other than himself. I have even accused him of having a secret phone. Is he trying to make me crazy on purpose, or is he really talking to himself?", "answerText": "Some people simply talk to themselves as a way of processing information. Have you checked in with your husband about this in a non-accusatory way? Something like \"Hey babe (or whatever sweet name you typically use), I'm so curious what that's all about? Do you notice that you are talking out loud?\" Chances are it's just how he thinks things through and is not at all about trying to make you crazy, it's just one of his quirks you'll grow to endear. Early married life is a time full of discovering one another's quirks!"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "They say three can be a crowd. First ask yourself how you felt when you were with this friend that weekend? Did I feel uncomfortable and was I thinking of my boyfriend the whole time? Did I communicate with my boyfriend that weekend while with my friend? Think about why he maybe reacted to you in this matter and it was a good start on his part to be authentic about his feelings. So what are yours ?"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "It is not the case of being right or wrong, in my view. If you are asking, I believe you trulycare for your boyfriend. It seems like he is having difficulties in establishing trust in this relationship. The ideal would be to come closer to his upsetness and to show him that you are there for him. I hope all goes well. Rossana Mag."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "The most important thing to ask yourself here is, \"how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?\" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some \"emotional infidelity\". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we \"ran into another person's arms\" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Your boyfriend is probably feeling jealous and maybe threatened by your friend. Does he know you had a relationship with your friend in the past? It is not uncommon for him to feel this way as he was not included in your weekend with both of you. Is it possible for the three of you to spend some time together? If you want to continue your friendship with this friend without it impacting your current relationship with your boyfriend, maybe you can start there and see if everyone can be comfortable with this arrangement."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Depends on your definition of \"wrong\" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es)."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.Good luck! Hope that helps,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy", "questionText": "I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?", "answerText": "It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did Others would be upset. If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. You didn't do anything \"wrong\" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I pick between two guys?", "questionText": "I'm dating a guy I really love. We have our problems, but I could see myself with him long term. But there's this other guy who I've had feelings for for awhile now. He gives me butterflies when we talk, and my heart beats fast when I see he's texted me, which i never felt with my current boyfriend.", "answerText": "There are different types of attraction. You said that you've never felt this sort of feeling of your heart beating faster with your current boyfriend. Depending on how long you've been together and if you're looking at different ways of making a life together and getting to know each other on a deeper level, that's a different stage in a relationship and sometimes it feels different. Some people look at it as a difference between levels of passion and compassion, but there are many different terms to try to talk about it.Perhaps with this guy that you really love, you could talk about ways to keep things new and different in the relationship. Maybe you can leave notes for each other during the day or have a small surprise at random intervals (maybe an invitation to a picnic, for example).As for the other guy who makes your heart beat faster, what do you see in him? You said you really love the other guy, which is why I'm asking.What do you look for in the person who you want to be with long-term (whoever that is)?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I pick between two guys?", "questionText": "I'm dating a guy I really love. We have our problems, but I could see myself with him long term. But there's this other guy who I've had feelings for for awhile now. He gives me butterflies when we talk, and my heart beats fast when I see he's texted me, which i never felt with my current boyfriend.", "answerText": "Decide your purpose in being part of a relationship.Fastbeating heartbeat sounds exciting, and usually goes gradually away.If you'd like excitement, then the heartbeat guy is for you.If you're trying to find a partner who will be with you for a long time then the first guy fits this agenda.You could also test out your theories by discussing with each of them their opinion of why they are with you and whether they would like a long term relationship or playfulness and fun.Best relationship is when each partner wants something similar as the other!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fix or leave a bad relationship?", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend and I have been back and forth for over a year now. He's in his late 20s, divorced for like five years now with two kids. He has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. He lies and cheats, but I love him. I've tried to date other people, but I always go back to him.", "answerText": "Try to figure out why you go back to him.Love is never enough reason to sustain a relationship.Though your love may feel and be very real, the fact of the frequent breaks show that some quality or dynamic within the relationship is not satisfying enough to sustain the two of you.Always people are better off with some time separation between relationships. This gives a chance to know what you were looking for and din't find in the ended relationship.Dating other people before you have time to understand what did and didn't work well in a relationship, will make the new dates seem like a lacking comparison to the first guy.Also, lying and cheating are very demoralizing. Maybe your higher self tries to take you out from this situation and you first need to strengthen your spirit in order to follow your own best interest."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fix or leave a bad relationship?", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend and I have been back and forth for over a year now. He's in his late 20s, divorced for like five years now with two kids. He has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. He lies and cheats, but I love him. I've tried to date other people, but I always go back to him.", "answerText": "There are a lot of pieces to the decision of whether to stay or leave. Can you have open conversations about your concerns? Is he able to listen to that? I'm not sure how you know for sure that he lies and cheats, but does he recognize these things as problems? Which part of you is bigger: the part of you that wants to stay or the part of you that wants to leave? Can you consider what you want, wish for, and desire while also considering the same for him? Can he do that for you?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I handle my boyfriend being reported missing?", "questionText": "I have been holding myself for nearly a month. I can not bear it. He is isolated from everybody, and I want to help, but I cannot find him.", "answerText": "If you mean he has been reported to police as missing, then this is different than him deciding to make himself unavailable to you and others.If the police cannot find him, then there is a level of risk or secrecy to his whereabouts beyond someone simply shutting themselves off temporarily from others.The best you can do is self-comfort from the surprise and possibly shock of his behavior.From your description, whether or not he reappears is up to him returning or up to police skill to locate him.This is beyond the ordinary abilities of average everyday people, even those who are involved relationship wise with someone."}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc cheated. How can we mend our relationship?", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?", "answerText": "I'm sorry for the stress and unhappiness stemming the problem you describe.Trust your instinct that there is more complexity to feeling good about being in a partnership than simply wanting this to happen.In any relationship, the complexities of each person combine. Often people accept when this feels good and are lost as to what to do when natural human complexity, doesn't match up with our partner in the way we'd like.A couples' therapist would be able to help each of you talk about the factors motivating the cheating, as well as clarify the reasons you each have for continuing to stay together.The unique advantage of couple's therapy is that each person is able to hear their partner talk out loud about themselves and their partner.This is sometimes enormously helpful since our inner thoughts are often hidden yet very dominant in how we direct ourselves in relationships.Sometimes the initial consult session offers enough new understanding that a second session wouldn't be necessary for a while.Good luck in finding your relationship happiness!"}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc cheated. How can we mend our relationship?", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?", "answerText": "What Makes Love Last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal by John Gottman is a great book for you both to start reading. You may also want to invest some time and energy in couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lack of trust in your relationship, likely a hangover from your beginnings, that would be helpful for you both to work through to truly be able to forgive and move forward."}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc cheated. How can we mend our relationship?", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?", "answerText": "Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes"}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc cheated. How can we mend our relationship?", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?", "answerText": "My first question for you would be to see if you've talked with her about it yet? You mentioned you found out....and I know this can be so painful. It can also be frightening to bring up the experience when it hurts a lot, when you feel so unsettled as you mention. But you can look at this as a vital and important piece of information about what's happening in your relationship, and an invitation to get really honest and genuine with each other.You have a long history, being together 9 years, and a son, so you are very bonded no matter what changes happen in your relationship. It may be incredibly helpful to find a counselor you can both go talk with. Having a third party who is neutral and cares about your process and hers can be such a relief when you need to discuss things you feel scared about. Even just a few sessions can make a huge difference.If this doesn't feel possible for you right now.....ask your fiancee for time to set aside for a meaningful heart-to-heart talk. Say you'd like to set it up on the calendar, and make sure you have a babysitter for your son. Set aside at least 4 hours. Let her know that you'd like to hear her honest truth about what's going on, and share with her your truth as well. It's not a time for criticizing or condemning, and I don't sense that is your intention at all--you have a great deal of love for her. Speaking honestly and listening openly is an amazing gift, both for yourself and for your partner. You can do it."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be with the man who is good for me and my children or the man I love?", "questionText": "I met the first man five months ago. I have come a long way and do have feelings for him. I know he would do anything for me and my kids. The man I love is their father, and no matter how many times things haven't been great in the past, I can't help but love him. I know they both love me, and I love both of them.", "answerText": "The answer depends entirely on which interest is stronger for you.If the reliable caretaker man is not someone with whom you'd have fun, lively conversations, understand each other, be sexually compatible, or romantically attracted, and your primary interest is in someone who' steadily manage the kids, household, and finances, then he is the right one for you!The problem is you may not be happy longterm with someone to whom you feel no romantic compatibility.Consider the drawback if you reach the moment of restlessness romantically and are with someone on whom you depend to take care of your kids.Since you have feelings for him, then wait several months longer to see whether or not you can imagine yourself romantically happy with the steady guy.If the other guy who is also the bio dad, isn't involved with his own kids, then he seems like a poor choice of someone to be with longterm."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I message my crush?", "questionText": "I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late?", "answerText": "You'll only find out whether or not it is \"too late\", by following through with wanting to message him.Regardless of whether the response you receive is what you'd hoped to hear, including not hearing back from him, you will have done yourself a great honor and respect by following through on a wish and curiosity you've had for some time."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I message my crush?", "questionText": "I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late?", "answerText": "It's never to late to let a person know how you feel. You never know where it will take you. You don't want to hold this regret of not letting your feelings known and wondering \"what if\" for the rest of your life. That can be torturous. Now prepare for whatever..if his feelings are the same or if they are not. If they are the same...great. If they are not, feel good that at least you let a person know they hold a special place in your life and wish him love, peace and happiness in his life."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be with the boy who liked me?", "questionText": "There's this boy who asked me out awhile ago. I said no because my friends and family would think weirdly of me. How do I be with him and tell him and tell my friends?", "answerText": "Since you've decided to be with the boy who already showed you his interest, then why not simply tell him you decided to accept his invitation to be together?Probably your first concern about hesitating to accept this boy into your life due to the way you imagine your family may react if you do, is the more complex matter to solve.Forming a relationship does bring up our values and the way these are different or similar to our own. At the same time, we already have values which are rooted in those from the family in which we grew up.Your dilemma of wanting to be with this boy shows there is a clash between your values as an individual, including your choice of partner, and the way your family understands the values which support being part of a couple.Stay true to what you feel, whether this comes from your family or the way you currently are evolving.This will guarantee that your new relationship will be built on the values and person you truly are."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I save my relationship?", "questionText": "We have been together for a little bit, and I love him to death, but my mental health is so unstable. I question everything he does from loving me to if my body is good enough. I'm super jealous for no reason, and my temper is super short. He's pretty much done. He said I have a bit more than a week to fix it.", "answerText": "Are there ways your partner acknowledges the difficulty to stabilize the questions you ask about your self-worth?Your questions are typical for anyone who feels insecure and unsure. The lack of confidence you feel exists in many other human beings too.Your partner's wish for you to feel better about yourself, is fine. The problem is he seems more interested for you to solve the problem for his sake than for your sake.As long as he considers you an obstacle to his happiness, and not someone he loves and would like to help improve their inner stability, then he doesn't offer you more of his self-interest than of his love.A week is an unrealistic timeframe to cure the subject you describe.Any time line misses the point of how humans evolve and not automatically change.He also is either missing or isn't interested, in supporting your emotional progress."}, {"questionTitle": "The love of my life wants to try getting back together with her child's father", "questionText": "About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have sex, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had sex. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her familys house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didnt understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldnt do it at all anymore. I was crushed! A few days later, she tells me how much shes missing me and lets get together for lunch or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just sex), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her childs sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesnt even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesnt work out for her, we will try again. Im completely in love with her, and Im in extreme pain.", "answerText": "That sounds really heartbreaking. It is tough falling in love and not being able to dive fully because of complications on the other side. It sounds to me that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing by taking \"care of myself\" while the rest sorts itself out. While I admire your desire and courage to stay friends - the \"extreme pain\" that you mentioned may make this too challenging and at odds with your taking care of yourself. Since there is no commitment on her end to give it a shot with you I would make sure that you really honour your own feelings about what feels right to you so that you don't end up feeling strung along or resentful. Make sure that you lean on friends and family at this time - we need all the support that we can get when we are heartbroken."}, {"questionTitle": "The love of my life wants to try getting back together with her child's father", "questionText": "About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have sex, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had sex. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her familys house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didnt understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldnt do it at all anymore. I was crushed! A few days later, she tells me how much shes missing me and lets get together for lunch or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just sex), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her childs sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesnt even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesnt work out for her, we will try again. Im completely in love with her, and Im in extreme pain.", "answerText": "Love doesn't hurt.Your description of the relationship so far, is that you are feeling a lot of emotional pain, alongside a deep attraction for this woman.In some relationships, the benefit of what draws us together with someone, is being able to learn more about our own deep sense of who we are, what we value and care about.This sounds more descriptive of your relationship than that it is a loving one. Your descriptions are of the woman's life, parenting and relationship dilemmas, not about how much of an effort she is willing to make in her life so that the two of you are able to be together for the long term.Try distinguishing your wishes to be loved by this woman with what actually is taking place in everyday life.Being aware of how much love you'd like to give and receive, is valuable self-knowledge.Your ongoing emotional wear and tear of all decisions about the relationship that affect you, being the result of the woman's choices, sounds like the opposite of love.The relationship is very useful as an access in self-understanding of your needs and wishes. It sounds like this is its main value in your life, not that it is sustainable in reality.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I always need to be in a relationship?", "questionText": "I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.", "answerText": "Maybe the reason is not having confidence in the love you give to yourself.Possibly you consider the quality of your self-love as inferior to love someone else gives you.The best way to push through to your own self-comfort and acceptance is to be aware of this tendency so you can remind yourself to practice appreciating the unique love you give to yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I always need to be in a relationship?", "questionText": "I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.", "answerText": "There could be many reasons but often people feel validated when they are in a relationship, the need to be in a relationship can be related to a belief of unlovability which often stems from our childhood. The relationship sort of soothes this temporarily and the others interest or desire helps counteract the ingrained belief. There are many questions that may help understand why, how was your relationship with your mother (caregivers)? How was your childhood etc.?Many people describe having a hole or void they try and fill with material things or people but it only is a temporary fix which usually drives the person to the next relationship, or object in hopes it will be fulfilling but it never is because fulfillment is work we need to do ourselves. This journey involves finding acceptance and love for ourselves. Once we have that we don't need to look elsewhere for fulfillment."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I always need to be in a relationship?", "questionText": "I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman.", "answerText": "There are a lot of ways to look at this. It sounds as if there is a part of you that is looking for support. I wonder what it is that you feel when you're not in a relationship?Because of the way you asked the question, I'm getting the impression that you are referring to romantic relationships. I wonder if you have close friendships that could form a network to help with this when you are not romantically involved with someone. Even when you are in a relationship with a romantic partner, having friends is still an important element.I wonder if you could also notice what changes for you inside of yourself (as far as emotions) when you move from not being in a relationship to being in one.Perhaps you could take a look at what you value about yourself.In general, it is natural for people to want to be in relationships with others (in this case, relationship has many meanings and degrees). Most of us enjoy sharing elements of our days, thoughts, feelings, etc. with someone else who we trust and care about also hoping they care about us in return."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to become a better man", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "What an important question, and the fact that you're asking it is a big step in the right direction. To answer in detail would require having quite a bit more information about what \"relationship problems\" have occurred that woke you up to the fact that you're not listening as well as you could and that you're running the risk of losing her.Given that I don't have all that information, I'll offer one simple suggestion. Your girlfriend is the expert on what she needs and wants in relationship. You could simply say to her that you know you still have a lot to learn about how to have a good relationship and you realize you're not yet understanding what she needs andyou really want to. Then take a deep breath, settle down, and listen. Don't argue, don't interrupt, don't judge... listen. Let her know what you understand and that you're open to hearing more, learning more if you're not quite getting it yet... and then listen some more. Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and don't want to lose. This is the first step toward intimacy."}, {"questionTitle": "I want to become a better man", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm You can try them and see if they are helpful. ***It is important to remember that like all new skills, communication requires practice and we surely fail several times before we start getting good at it. If you were ever a pitcher in baseball, then you know you have to throw thousands of pitches before you really start hitting your strike zone consistently. Allow yourself to make mistakes, own them, and start again. I hope these suggestions help, and good luck.Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to become a better man", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to become a better man", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, \"That makes sense\" or \"I hear you\" or \"I get that.\"3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:http://imagorelationships.org/pub/about-imago-therapy/imago-dialogue-101/"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to become a better man", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this! If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would secondRobin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.Other favorites of mine are:Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage by Dr. William & Carleen GlasserEight Lessons for a Happier Marriage by Dr. William & Carleen GlasserHold Me Tight by Dr. Sue JohnsonDivorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.The Five Love Languages by Gary ChapmanThe Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency the Other Side of Co-Dependency by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that yourpartner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with? If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to become a better man", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to become a better man", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!"}, {"questionTitle": "I want to become a better man", "questionText": "I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?", "answerText": "Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I seek help or should my boyfriend and I seek help together?", "questionText": "Recently my boyfriend broke up with me because of my bad language. But he thinks I'm a total b***h. I know I'm bipolar and can be selfish. He called me today and says he can't go through with the breakup. I was broken and didn't want a breakup to begin with, but I know I'm horrible at times and can't help it. It's like I'm battling myself. What do you feel?", "answerText": "Both options seem reasonable. Seeking individual therapy will help you to cope with the mood changes that come with bipolar disorder, will give you a space to vent your negative thoughts, and will allow you to find the coping mechanism to address life and relational challenges. IF your boyfriend is interested in attending couples therapy with you, it will assist in identifying the problems in the relationship that pushed him to the breakup and will give both of you the tools to communicate and resolve conflicts.I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing individual, couples, and family therapy services in West Houston. You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment. Debera buscar ayuda yo sola o junto con mi novio?Mi novio me dejo recientemente por ser mal hablada. El piensa que soy una p***a. Yo s que soy bipolar y que puedo ser egosta. El me llamo hoy para decirme que no puede continuar separado. Yo estaba destruida y no quera que nos dejramos desde el inicio, pero se lo horrible que puedo ser a veces y que no lo puedo evitar. Es como si estuviera en guerra conmigo misma. Qu piensas?Ambas opciones son razonables. Buscar terapia individual te ayudara a manejar los cambios de estado de nimo que son partes del desorden bipolar, tambin te dar espacio para ventilar los pensamientos negativos y encontrar herramientas para enfrentar problemas relacionales y de la vida diaria. SI tu novio est interesado, tambin pueden asistir a terapia de pareja para poder identificar las razones de la separacin, y obtener las herramientas apropiadas para comunicarse apropiadamente y resolver conflictos. Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia. Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I wait for this guy to make a move, or just move on?", "questionText": "I told him I liked him. He called me lovely and pretty but he said he didnt want a relationship. He would always flirt with me.", "answerText": "Well, as disappointed as you may very well feel from hearing this guy's answer, you know he doesn't want a relationship.What type of move would you like him to make?If you mean you'd be happy to have sex with this guy and not a relationship, then wait for as long as your patience allows.To wait for him to change his mind that he does want a relationship, doesn't have a very strong base on which to stand.Its possible to do this only consider the emotional price of your frustration to wait for someone to change their mind."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over this girl I only knew for a year?", "questionText": "I met this girl in high school. She had switched schools at the end of the year, and I have not seen her since. It's been a few years. We had a very good and friendly relationship, and we seemed to have a lot in common. I never gained the courage to ask her out.", "answerText": "One way to make good use of the situation you describe is to prepare and rehearse within yourself the way you'd handle a similar situation in the future.Since a lot of time has gone by since you and this girl saw each other on a regular basis, right now you've got no idea if you'd feel the same way about her today as you did a few years ago.The relationship does point out the priorities and values you hold for a potential partner. That you liked the friendliness you shared is good for you to recognize. This way you realize you like friendship as a relationship property. To have lots of similar interests, is another quality you appreciate in a partner.The more you know about what you do and don't like in a partner, the greater your chance to notice these qualities in someone new who comes along your path."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fix my relationship?", "questionText": "My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.", "answerText": "My empathy goes out to you. Relationships are tough enough and i'm sure your partner being distant has been upsetting for you. You are confused and want to mend the relationship with him, but are finding it so hard to do. Relationships require both people to work consistently in order to keep them happier, but if it is only you that is actively trying to repair the relationship, it can be emotionally draining.Perhaps expressing you feel using I, you statements can be beneficial. Do not accuse him or use \"you\" statements like \"you are so distant\" or \"you don't even care\".Start out sharing your feelings by saying \"I feel sad when you don't return my phone calls\" or \"I feel confused about our relationship ever since you have been keeping to yourself\". He may have a valid point, or might have been hurt by the argument and retreated as a result of it. Regardless of why, use this time as a great opportunity to practice healthy communication.If you think you are not ready for a conversation like that, couples counseling can be excellent. You will have a skilled facilitator guide the conversation and help you both communicate with one another."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fix my relationship?", "questionText": "My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you have tension between you and your bf.A relationship means two people who relate, right?! If only one person does all the work to change their approach, what they expect, what they offer the other, then this becomes the new problem to solve.If you've already done a significant amount of reflection and change in the way you relate to him, then the next step may be to be patient as long as possible while he decides what to change about his part in the relationship toward you.Substance abuse recovery requires profound effort and reflection. If it is successful then the result will show very different qualities in your bf than the ones you know currently.He may be so absorbed in the recovery that he can only concentrate on this. Of course if the fights persist and you have been patient for what feels too long, then there are different questions to address."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I fix my relationship?", "questionText": "My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.", "answerText": "I would first suggest you sitting down with him and voicing your concerns about how distant he has been, or more importantly you have felt that he is. This will give clarification to the situation as we need to remember that everyone's perception can be different. Remember that relationships take work and take communication."}, {"questionTitle": "How come no man sparks my interest?", "questionText": "I was never single, afraid to be alone, and I looked for my boyfriend to make me happy. I finally worked on my self, was in a relationship, and I did everything a healthy girlfriend does and it didn't work out. Now months later, no man peaks my interest. Am I ready to date again? Is there a reason no one sparks my interest?", "answerText": "Yes, of course there's a reason!There's always a reason for most dynamics!Depending on the nature and qualities of what changed as a result of your new self realizations, you may be more deeply affected by your new awareness than how you imagined these would go.Since you already are on the best road possible for yourself, since this resulted from your own introspection, keep trusting your own self work as to what develops and at what pace your relationship attraction qualities grow."}, {"questionTitle": "Why does my boyfriend threaten to leave every night?", "questionText": "My boyfriend is always saying he's done with me and says he's leaving, but then at the end of the night, he's still here. He wakes up in the morning, acts like nothing happen, and repeats this every night.", "answerText": "Do the two of you ever talk over why he does this or your reaction to it?Are you asking your question because his behavior upsets you or only out of curiosity to understand him better?Basically, first know your own reason for your question. Then go ahead and tell him if what he does bothers you. In the best of cases, he doesn't realize how his actions affect you and he will change."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm having a hard time with a breakup", "questionText": "I was with my boyfriend for years on and off. We dated and broke up three times. Since we broke up five months ago I can't move on. I want to get back together but he won't talk to me. What should I do?", "answerText": "Probably being sad to lose the relationship would be a good next move for you.When a relationship ends the daily life structure changes significantly. A break up means adjusting to differences in everyday life, not only that the person is no longer connected with us.Since your boyfriend isn't talking to you then you're keeping yourself sadder than necessary to not accept his actions. There's nothing you or anyone else can do change the fact that when someone decides to stop talking, this person is the only one who's in charge to start talking.Maybe since you've had several breakups w this person that you require more time to pass before you're willing to accept that his changed interest in the relationship is permanent.Be patient with your uncertainty as to whether he will or will not resume the relationship. Once enough time passes so that you're considerably past the point at which you and he come together, then accepting his leave-taking will feel natural.Right now its very understandable to have hope since you've been on this road before. In time you'll have your answer as to whether your future is with him or not."}, {"questionTitle": "I have a crush on my bestfriend's brother", "questionText": "I really like this guy and I think he likes me back, but his sister is my bestfriend. I'm afraid that if I tell her I have a crush on her brother she would loose it. I once told her I thought her brother was cute and she got really angry. I've gotten to know her brother better lately and I've realized he may actually feel the same way. I don't want to lose her friendship. What do I do?", "answerText": "Do you and the brother to whom you feel attracted, ever see each other or are in surroundings in which the sister/your friend, isn't?If yes, then this gives you the chance to find out whether you and the brother actually do like each other.If no, then definitely have a private and direct conversation with your friend about the fact you're attracted to the brother.Find out the reason your friend becomes angry to hear you like the brother.Anything is possible from, she'd like to warn you about qualities in her brother which you may not know and if you did, wouldn't like or react negatively.Or, if protection isn't your friend's reason, then maybe she's fearful to lose your friendship if you start a relationship with the brother.Friends are people who care about each others' lives. Let your friendship with this girl work on behalf of each of you!"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend feels that I have taken advantage of him", "questionText": "I feel like I took our relationship for granted and he's now to the point that he's giving up. I have had trouble feeling like I could trust him but he's given me no reason not to trust him. I know my attitude is also a big issue for him. I have a lot of obligations at home so we don't spend a lot of time together. How can I fix this relationship?", "answerText": "A key factor in a relationship is trust.I'd start by understanding more about why you feel unable to trust your bf.Does this have something to do with a bad encounter you had from previous relationships, or with a sibling or parent?Its also possible you're intuitively sensing you can't trust your bf bc he's not trustworthy. Sometimes people sense the basic safety items in a relationship before they emerge.Also, your bf may have similarly suffered broken trust and he gives off a feeling of not welcoming your trust.Its possible you're feeling his own self-protection about being in a relationship with you.The best way to open these topics is to actually talk about them together with him.Whatever the underlying tensions are, talking about them always adds positive feeling and confidence to a relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "Why does my boyfriend think every some I like means something about our relationship?", "questionText": "Whenever I sing along with a song that I like (even if it's just for the beat and not the lyrics), my boyfriend assumes that the words of the song mean something negative about our realationship. I don't why he gets so mad and assumes I mean something negative from every song. Now I can't enjoy and sing a song without him thinking I'm trying to give him a hint. He even accuses me of cheating and lying. It's driving me nuts. I love him and would never do such an awful thing ever. How can I get him to understand?", "answerText": "Well, have you told him similar descriptions of your feelings as you just wrote here?This will give him the same understanding you're allowing us to have here on this site.Keep in mind that the best, the amount and the number of times you tell your boyfriend some information about you, still means that whether or not he is willing to accept and rely on your information, is in his hands only.Try to feel satisfied with your own effort to explain yourself. Another path to open is to ask your boyfriend his reason to feel insecure about your love for him. This may open a wider discussion about what he feels he'd like from you so he feels good in the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stay strong?", "questionText": "I have a lot of child custody concerns, financial issues, insecurities and weigh gain. I also have no local family support. It's hard for me to stay positive. I get very emotional and take it out on the people I love. How can I stay strong?", "answerText": "There's online forums and blogs, some of which have interactive discussion groups.Also, depending on exactly what you mean by becoming \"emotional\", feeling overwhelmed by feelings typically happens when people feel a lot of stress and pressure in their lives. Loneliness contributes to feeling overwhelmed too.Your feelings may be perfectly normal.Similarly, depending on what you mean \"take it out on\" people, you may be expecting too much of yourself.If you're expecting other people to listen to your upset feelings, this is reasonable.If you're harming them as a a result of your upset feelings, this is unreasonable.Depending on what exactly you are doing when you \"take it out\", you may be quite reasonable to do so."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like my fiance still in love with his ex", "questionText": "I was talking to my fiance about changing my hair. He recommended a very specific hair style. Then I found out his ex has that exact same hair. I feel like he must know she has that hair style. Am I nuts, or does this show that he's still in love with her?", "answerText": "Maybe your finance's hair preference for you reflects he still is in love w the ex.There are other many reasonable options too.Maybe he doesn't know a lot about hair styles, or didn't want to even think through the question carefully and also didn't want to tell you this directly.He may have tried to take the easy way out of involving himself in your question.The key whether or not he loves you is how you feel most of the time in your relationship. If most of the time you trust the sense you are loved and you love him, then this gives you some reassurance about how the both of you feel toward each other.It is possible too that your finance has some remaining feelings for the ex. Whether or not this makes any difference to you depends on how stable and reliable you feel is the love between the two of you."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm scared of losing my girlfriend", "questionText": "My girlfriend recently started hanging out a lot more with one of her friends who did her wrong in the past and just walked out on her. So for the past 3 years its been just me and my girlfriend. Things have been great up until the last month. Now she ignores me and texts and hangs oit with her friend more and more. I dont know what to do anymore. My girlfriend is so distant. How do I keep from losing her?", "answerText": "Well, if you each want to be with the other, than no one will be lost.Have you told her about feeling slighted? Start telling her about your feelings. How she responds to you will tell you a lot about where her heart is and maybe too some of the reasons she has been so involved w the friend.Who knows, maybe the friend has problems of her own and your gf is spending extra time w the friend to help the friend, and doesn't even know you feel hurt.You would do yourself and your gf a lot of good to tell more about your feelings. Either you will get more closeness and consideration, or not. At least you will have the truth."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I start taking initiative in my relationship?", "questionText": "I don't speak up if I'm uncomfortable and hardly ever make plans for us when we hang out. He is a very open and straightforward person, so he is getting upset with me for my lack of proper communication. We've been together two years and have identified this as our main problem. Arguments have arised from this single issue many times.", "answerText": "Do you know what you're afraid may happen if you do speak up?Usually people don't talk freely because they feel afraid to do so. Sometimes the fear of being rejected by the other, of being criticized or judged by the other person, or that what you will say stirs anger in the other person.If you are able to know what your particular reason is for not talking, then maybe you and your partner can talk about what makes talking easy or hard.Also, since speaking up is new for you, then ask your partner to be patient while you learn to do so. Everyone does better at learning new skills when they feel supported and welcomed."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating?", "questionText": "Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.", "answerText": "Under duress the very youngest parts of you and your boyfriend emerge. So, while you still look like grown ups, your actions and words are motivated by very early preverbal parts of both of you. In simple terms it is as if two infants somehow acquire the ability to say words but they are motivated by very basic early wounds that were created due to deficits in what was able to be done for each of you, and likely understandable in terms of caregiver's life experience, and that still fell short of what you needed. You are both still trying to get very early needs met.The best advice I can offer is to try and remember this as early as possible when things start to heat up, and then restrain expression that you already know leads nowhere helpful. And seek out a therapist who can help you to work with these early issues and can support you to grow and develop from this stuck point.Avraham Cohen, Ph.D, R.C.C., C.C.C."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating?", "questionText": "Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.", "answerText": "Communication involves a listener and a speaker. Both have to be willing to do their part to make communication work. This is something that takes both and not just one. Without both, communication is impossible. Staying together and the kids observing unhealthy communication is already broken. Seek help to improve communication. Couples' counseling would be helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating?", "questionText": "Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.", "answerText": "Try having a conversation with your boyfriend about your views and wishes for the relationship, when the two of you are having a calm time. A few questions I'd like to ask him is why he says he doesn't love you when the topic at hand is about a specific practical matter.I'd also like to know what he hopes will happen from dwelling on a matter.And, why are you swallowing your pride? Sooner or later this will come up on you in much bigger ways. Instead, try to know your own wishes that you are either not stating or are being ignored by your boyfriend.The best way to resolve accumulated tensions is to slowly open the discussion between the two people.It is possible to stay together forever. What you each need to realize, is the terms under which this would most likely take place.Sending lots of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating?", "questionText": "Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.", "answerText": "You can't fix this by yourself, but I applaud you for trying. One person working hard in a relationship can make things better for a while., but in the long haul you need two people giving some effort. I'm reading between your lines here and I wonder if your need to keep the family together is getting you to apologize when you've done nothing wrong and ignore things you've felt hurt by. I sense that you're doing all the work...that it's not balanced.I have worked with many couples and I've learned never to underestimate what kind of change is possible; anything is possible. But in order for change in a couple to occur, you need two people who are both willing to own their choices and behaviours, and who have empathy. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to have these components; he pushes you away and blames you when he's done something hurtful.Can you be honest with yourself about what's happening? I encourage you to sit down with a trusted friend or therapist and look at what you have here and what your options are. I wish you well."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm in a relationship, and I think I like my ex-boyfriend. Who do I choose?", "questionText": "I'm dating this guy, Peter. My friend Jennifer used to date him a while ago, and she's fine with us dating. My ex-boyfriend, Paul, broke up with Jennifer, and she's devastated about it. Peter and I are going through a rough patch in our relationship. All of a sudden, Paul is in \"love\" with me, and he wants me back. I don't know what to do because I can't hurt my friend or my boyfriend, but I think I might Paul again.", "answerText": "Hello. The dynamics of having a romantic relationship with someone is not always clear. Sometimes we jump from one relationship to another without giving ourselves a chance to adjust and grieve for the one we had to leave behind. When you find yourself in a situation where a previous partner is coming back into your life and desires to be with you again, it is important to ask yourself what the motivations are prompting that return. Is the person afraid of being alone? Are they jealous of your current relationship? Do you feel the same way about this returning relationship as you did before it was ended? How long and/or how committed is the current relationship you are in now with your current partner? Does your former partner not like being \"dumped\" and maybe they just want to get back together with you so that they can \"dump\" you instead? Some of these questions you may not be able to answer, and some of them might require your own internal reflection.You likely want to make a good decision, and you also might want to consider who it will impact, and how that will happen. Other friends might be upset at this sudden change, and it could create a strain on your friendship. You will want to carefully consider the value of that friendship before you take any actions that could damage it. Also perhaps think about what led you to end the relationship with your previous partner in the first place. Has there been a change in events or behavior that would cause you to think of a valid reason to give that person a second chance? How it will it impact your current relationship?Going into relationships should be done with reflection, patience, and full awareness. Ultimately you choose who is in your life, so you want to make those choices based on appropriate decision making, and with the ability to protect yourself from harm. No one else can make this choice for you. However, gaining the insight of friends or family can be helpful, as can seeking out the counsel of a therapist. In your heart, you will likely find the right answer. Learn to trust that more, as that is where the core of emotion tends to be when you need it. Use your mind to analyze things, but allow yourself to also feel your way through the situation too. The answer will arrive if you let it."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I overreacting by breaking up with my boyfriend because he called me a particular profanity?", "questionText": "My boyfriend called me a particular profanity and I broke up with him. This is the third time he's called me this and I'm just completely done with giving him chances. He knows how much it bothers me. I just want to know if I'm over reacting.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are reacting to an issue in communication patterns, rather than a particular word. The ability to listen considerately to your partner and to have your partner listen to you is one of the keystones of a successful relationship. If your partner is not listening to, acknowledging and remembering your wishes, that is likely an indicator of some fissures in the foundation of the relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I not miss my boyfriend while he's in Ireland?", "questionText": "My boyfriend is in Ireland for 11 days, and I am an emotional wreck.", "answerText": "It sounds like you and your boyfriend are very close. Do you typically spend most of your time together? If so, it may be important to reflect on how you feel when you are apart. If any separation is difficult, you may need to examine why. Think about what it is that you miss and what you are anxious, upset or worried about. If you examine the causes of your distress you likely will experience some relief. It is important to learn how to be happy when you are alone, it will only improve the way you feel when you are with your boyfriend."}, {"questionTitle": "My new husband is constantly talking to himself", "questionText": "When I ask him who he is talking to, he tells me no one. But, it sounds like he is holding a conversation with someone. I have even accused him of having a secret cell phone. I ask so much, I feel like I am losing it. Is he trying to make me question my sanity, or is he talking to himself?", "answerText": "A rare topic & likely extremely troublesome for you... I would need to have more background information on the two of you before beginning to offer any insight. Feel free to email me.I would also like to add that aside from the reality of whether or not these conversations are actually occurring, as your partner, he should be just as concerned about something that is disturbing you to this level. Partners need each others' trust and support, no matter who is right or wrong."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I end an unhealthy relationship?", "questionText": "My boyfriend and I have a toxic relationship due to his emotional and verbal abuse but he makes me feel like I could never find someone better, and that I can't be happy without him. How do I get away from this relationship?", "answerText": "I'm glad you recognize your own best interest and that your life will be much better without verbal and emotional abuse.One of the terrible results of being abused in a relationship which is expected to be loving, safe and supportive, is that the one who is being abused, starts to question their own judgement, rights, opinions, overall way of thinking.This happens because partners who are intimately involved with one another are very meaningful. Regardless of how irrational, wrong, mean, selfish, intimidating, thoughtless, a partner is to the other, the person on the receiving side gradually starts questioning whether they are wrong for not accepting these sorts of interactions.Stick with what your own intuition tells you.There is a part within each of us which knows the truth of what is going on.Leaving a relationship is always difficult to some degree. People are in familiar patterns of daily behavior, no one wants to suddenly \"be alone\", even if this only means showing up as a physical body, not as a truly loving partner, no one wants to start telling others about a breakup, answer questions about it, feel blamed, worry what others think.These are secondary matters to following the truth in your own heart.Listen to yourself about leaving this guy. Your inner self does not lie to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I am obsessed or in love with someone?", "questionText": "We had great chemistry, but then he became distant. I had the feeling that I can't be without him. As soon as I felt the difference, I was scared to lose him. I started freaking out if he did not answer, thinking that something bad happened.", "answerText": "People often care deeply for those whom they love. I don't know how long you have been together. It is also common to want to be very closely connected to people who are important to you.It may be helpful to have a conversation about talking more or talking about how you feel when he is not there and how he feels about answering you right away. It may be helpful for both of you to listen to each other and what you are feeling and experiencing so that you can look at what may work for both of you. For example, maybe you could remind yourself that he will answer you when he is not busy or as soon as he can.Sometimes just talking about these feelings can be helpful so that you can both have open discussions about whether the amount or type of communication is too much or in a style that is not working for both of you. You could also consider leaving text messages or something that does not require an immediate response so that when he is busy, you have the ability to write a message, and he has the ability to answer when he can.I also wonder where you are getting the idea that something bad happened. I don't know whether something happen with this person in the past or perhaps at another time in your life.Some people benefit from ideas such as not going to bed angry, but this is difficult for others.I would suggest considering what makes each of you feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special.Also think about what styles of communication you both like and what is and is not okay in the context of an argument.It may be difficult to talk about what has related to him being distant and it may be helpful to talk about ways to communicate about this first (such as taking a 10 minute timeout if it becomes overwhelming).Perhaps talking with a therapist who specializes in couples would be helpful if talking about this between you is confusing or if you do not both feel heard by the other person. Remember that feeling heard does not mean that you have to agree with one another."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I am obsessed or in love with someone?", "questionText": "We had great chemistry, but then he became distant. I had the feeling that I can't be without him. As soon as I felt the difference, I was scared to lose him. I started freaking out if he did not answer, thinking that something bad happened.", "answerText": "The simplest answer is that love feels good, obsessions don't.Love deepens a sense of peacefulness and security.Obsessions give anxiety and worry of feeling abandoned.One suggestion is to study more about yourself and why you'd feel so ill at ease when you aren't w this person."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my partner's parents not liking me?", "questionText": "Im in my early 20s. My exs parents are friends with them and have told them bad things about me. I left my ex due to an abusive situation, and they are making me look like I was the bad one.", "answerText": "Maybe you can talk with your partner about this first look at the different elements of a possible conversation in the future. If you are at a place where you are willing or able to disclose the reason that you left your ex, that could be one element of the discussion, but it doesn't have to be.I don't know how long we have been together with your current partner, but perhaps his or her parents would see you for who you are and make their own opinions over time. That may be a discussion to have with them as well.Hopefully your partner will be a good sounding board before these conversations."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about my boyfriend's verbal abuse?", "questionText": "I try to do everything right just so we won't argue, and it doesn't help the only time he is calm is when he is drinking alcohol. I get anxiety over having fights with him.", "answerText": "Because of the way that you say your boyfriend is only calm when he is drinking and you have concerns about flights, it would probably be most helpful for you to speak with a local therapist so you can have specific conversations about what happens during these fights.When you do \"everything right,\" are you saying that you don't argue? It sounds a bit as though you are trying to read each other's mind without being able to communicate effectively. I recommend working on this with a therapist, though (even if you end up going without your boyfriend to sessions), so that you can talk about specific strategies and what you can do when he is not calm."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make girls love me and not just the attention I give them?", "questionText": "Ever since I was little, I loved the idea of loving someone and spending my whole life with them. I treated everyone nice. For girls I liked, I would spend every second with them. It always ends the same way: I like you as a friend, or I love your attention but not you.", "answerText": "Attention is often something that is both wanted and sometimes not wanted all the time. Maybe when you're in a relationship with someone you can discuss the amount of attention that you are both comfortable with and/or what you are both looking for as far as amount of connection."}, {"questionTitle": "Am I unworthy of being in a meaningful relationship?", "questionText": "I'm in a relationship, but I feel like I'm always putting more into it and not getting reciprocated. My ex told me that I will never find anyone else, and that's lingering in the back of my mind.", "answerText": "The most crucial key to any relationship is that mutual feeling you hold between you both: that you matter. Sounds like you are stuck in a cycle of hearing your ex say you don't matter. That's why it didn't work with him btw. He wasn't reflecting to you that you mattered. However it ended, clearly though that's the sentiment that's lingering with you. So here you are hanging around a new man why is telling you the same message. Move on. You aren't unworthy, you just haven't found a man who is worthy of you!To be worthy of you, he must see your worth. Often though before anyone else can see your worth, you have to believe it."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less insecure and needy with my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.", "answerText": "We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you don't matter. There are many ways to rewire these relational patterns, the first step of which is taking pause and noticing that you are feeling insecure - so congrats on that because clearly you are already there! Next I'd suggest finding a relationship therapist to help you sort through your insecurities, either as a couple or individually."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less insecure and needy with my girlfriend?", "questionText": "I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.", "answerText": "How did you come to the conclusion that you are acting needy?Is this what your partner told you or are you feeling this way about yourself?The difference is that what you'd like from a relationship may be very reasonable, only that your partner is not someone who wants to meet your needs.One way of evaluating whether you're actually needy is whether you feel that you give yourself love, take good care of yourself when you're in situations that are not connected to being part of a couple.If being by yourself feels uneasy most of the time, then probably practicing self-love, consciously treating yourself with consideration and thoughtfulness, may help you feel less needy of others.This way, when you're with a partner, the time together will be in enjoying the partner, not getting love because of not figuring out a way of giving love to yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it okay for my girlfriend to have sex with other men since I cant sexually perform?", "questionText": "I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?", "answerText": "Hi,First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a sex therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one.As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people inthe relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you.I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of sex that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer sex required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book \"Opening Up\" by Tristan Taormino.I wish you the best of luck!Dr. Lily Zehner, MFT-C"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it okay for my girlfriend to have sex with other men since I cant sexually perform?", "questionText": "I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I completely agree with Dr. Zehner. Many couples are in open-typeor polyamorous relationships where one or both partners engage in sexual relationships with others. The key thing about this is that it really does have to be something that both people are okay with. Now, as Dr. Zehner indicated, what may be okay today may not feel okay tomorrow, so good communication is essential.The truth is, even in polyamorous relationships where partners are in agreement, jealousy does sometimes happen. Here is a good article about polyamorous relationships and the issue of jealousy: http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/polyamorous-dealing-jealousy/This site has many other articles about polyamory. If you type in \"polyamory\" in their search box, you will find some good information. I wish you well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I rebuild the trust I destroyed from my porn addiction?", "questionText": "i was addicted to porn since the second grade. I'm in my early 40s and overcame my addiction during my separation from my wife of 15 years.", "answerText": "The person who can answer this question is the person you want to rebuild that trust with. They are the only one who can tell you what it will take for them to trust you again. What they tell you may seem hard or impossible but unfortunately that is what THEY need. It is up to you if you feel and know you can provide what they request."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it time to end my relationship with my boyfriend for good?", "questionText": "He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.", "answerText": "From what you write, you're not too happy with how your boyfriend treats you and how he handles his own life.What keeps you feeling connected to him in positive ways?If you're truly not happy most of the time in this relationship, then you're at the time of asking why you'd want to remain in a relationship which is draining."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it time to end my relationship with my boyfriend for good?", "questionText": "He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.", "answerText": "Sometimes relationships just do not work. Don't feel that the first, second, or even third relationship is the relationship you are suppose to be in for life. The one that is meant for you will require work but should be be draining and a constant roller coaster of breaking up. It is good you all went to counseling, but one or two sessions may not be enough to make and see a change in behavior. It takes times and it takes both working toward the same goal. I would suggest doing you...meaning focusing on your own growth at the time. If he wants to grow with you, he will make the necessary steps. If he doesn't...wish him well."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my boyfriend I wanna be with him but not in a relationship?", "questionText": "I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments, but I just need to focus on my personal situations, and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him, but not now.", "answerText": "It sounds like you're pulling away instead of being honest. If you really want to be with him, why not now? If you don't have time for a relationship, why are you dating at all?I don't understand the whole \"phasing out\" thing that people do these days (or \"ghosting\", where you just stop talking and disappear!). I get the sense that this relationship isn't working for you, but for some reason you're stopping yourself from being honest with yourself and him and just ending it. In the early stage of a relationship (the first year), if it doesn't feel fabulous, it's a good idea to move on. It's not personal. You don't owe this person anything. They deserve someone who's totally into them (and so do you) and you're doing him no favors by hanging on to something that's not amazing or giving him hope that it might work better in the future sometime. You don't have to slowly bow out. It actually creates more hurt than gentle honesty. Maybe people don't know how to say it?\"I've decided not to continue with this. I wish you the best.\"Life is too short!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my boyfriend I wanna be with him but not in a relationship?", "questionText": "I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments, but I just need to focus on my personal situations, and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him, but not now.", "answerText": "I have learned that the best approach is to say that you need the time to get yourself together, mature, learn, outside of a intimate relationship but just in a friend to friend relationship...don't blame him or point fingers at him.... most likely if you did that it would not go well. If you make it about you and that you want the best for him while you work on self, it would be taken better."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I tell my boyfriend I wanna be with him but not in a relationship?", "questionText": "I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments, but I just need to focus on my personal situations, and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him, but not now.", "answerText": "Why don't you just tell him everything that you just wrote here?You're clear in your mind as to what you would like.Unless you have a whole either side to the way you feel, everything you wrote here explains your position very well.Good luck in having your conversation!"}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend says he needs time to think about us", "questionText": "I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.", "answerText": "Give him the time and space he needs. Obviously something is going on with him that he needs time to process, think about, and work through. Respect that most men are not talkers but more thinkers. If and when he is ready to talk, he will. When and if he does talk, be a comforting listener and put yourself in his shoes the best you can to be the support he needs. Don't take it personal because you just been dating 3 weeks and his depression maybe something that been going on for a while. If you do like him...showing him by being patient and supportive at this time."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend says he needs time to think about us", "questionText": "I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.", "answerText": "Your boyfriend may like you a lot as well.People have different styles of reflecting on their lives, one of which is to retreat the way you describe your boyfriend doing.One point you can consider is asking for a time frame of when he'd be ready to discuss his thoughts on your relationship.He's entitled to retreat, as much as you're entitled to talk.Cooperating with the other person's way of handling themselves is one aspect of relating.Since the anti-depressants are a concern for you, consider bringing up this topic when the two of you do talk."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend says he needs time to think about us", "questionText": "I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot.", "answerText": "This seems like two questions. The first is what may have happened to prompt him to back off. The second is what it means to you to have a boyfriend who takes anti-depression medication who says he has \"a lot on his mind.\" Both give you opportunity to look at yourself. Having expectations can be a huge trap. I write about this extensively in the first chapter of my book Living Yes (www.LivingYes.org). Is there any way that you can enjoy your time together without expecting anything down the road? Are there wonderful lessons for you to take from the relationship - even if it only lasts three weeks? Can you create a mindset of gratitude for what is and let the future expectations (and future demands) go? Are there new ways to communicate that might bring you together? What are the lessons for you about allowing the relationship to develop its own course on its own time? Again, let go of all expectations, and see what happens. That's what \"Living Yes\" requires.I am sure this will work out well for you - either with him or without him. ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "I am 18 years old with a baby on the way", "questionText": "Me and the father of my child have been dating for a year. We had a big argument and at first he wanted to work it out. But with time he started asking others and they told him to leave me. Now he wants me to wait on him to mature. He wants to talk to other people. Then come back in four years. He doesn't want to deal with me while I'm pregnant. He doesn't take me to the doctor or anything. I feel alone. How do I handle this situation?", "answerText": "Well, as far as your boyfriend, sounds like he has received advice from others that is not wise advice. Leaving is not the answer after a \"big argument\" as you mentioned. However this is not surprising to me based on his possible age and maturity level. Having a baby is a lifetime responsibility and there are very few who handle this or who realizes that it requires one to step their game up. This is something that he has to realize and be encouraged by his parents or a mature adult to do. Hopefully, someone who has better (wise) advice will talk to him and he will listen.As for you, how do you handle this situation is your question....you do what you have to do to prepare for your baby, with or without him. A lot can happen in four years and you don't have time, are not required, and can't wait to see what will happen with him. You have a LIFE to prepare for, to feed, to protect, and to love. Can you tell your baby to wait; I don't want to deal with you now; I need to mature; I will be back to see you later; Hope you will be fine? Nope!!! As I always say, you are not alone because there is someone somewhere going through the same or similar thing. Develop healthy friendships...whether with family, friends or new people who may enter your life. Your support system will grow and life will go on...with or with him. Stay focus on you and your baby..."}, {"questionTitle": "People make me sick", "questionText": "I have several issues like I don't like people. They make me sick. I have issues with talking to people. I feel like they are talking about me and making fun of me. I have felt this way for years. When I look people in the eyes I have voices that tell me to hurt them and if I don't stop looking at who I am talking to it gets so loud I can't hear what they are saying. I just stay away from people to avoid this. I look at people and think how I could hurt them. I feel like I am worthless and would be better off not in this world where I don't fit in. Every day I wake up it's like another day. Any info would be good.", "answerText": "Sounds like you are dealing with a lot within your self which is causing you great pain. I would suggest that first you get a full physical evaluation to make sure that you are ok physically. Then getting a mental evaluation as well from a psychiatrist. Seeing both would help rule out any physically or psychologically causes to your symptoms. After getting these evaluations, your physician should be able to help guide you on what treatments would be the best to help with your everyday challenges your are facing. Whether treatment includes medication and/or psychotherapist would be discussed. Please consider doing both immediately so you can have the live you want everyday you wake up."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend isn't sexually performing like he did before I found out he was cheating", "questionText": "Now that the other girl is out of the picture, our sex life isn't the same. Is it because he is still thinking about the other girl?", "answerText": "Or...better yet... Is it you still thinking about the other girl? I am sure his cheating hurt you emotionally andmay haveaffected your sexual performanceas well. Make sure the other girl is out the picture on your end as well.Sounds like something the both of you need to have a calm and adult conversation about."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it bad that I'm giving my ex-boyfriend another chance?", "questionText": "I was in a relationship with him for three years. My mom doesn't like it because she thinks I'm making a mistake. He got married a few months after we broke up, and now he is divorced. I forgave him for what he did in the past, and he says hes sorry and he really loves me. I love him too, but is it bad that I'm giving him a second chance again?", "answerText": "Hey, it might be mistake in the end but this is a risk you want to take and you get to make your own mistakes. Your mom wants to protect you; I get that. Maybe she is worried you'll be hurt again. Were you hurt in some way by him? Can you understand where she's coming from?Sometimes when we're mad at our partner and we complain about them to mom, it's hard to know how to repair mom's relationship with the partner when things are better and we reunite. Can you help your mom understand that you take responsibility for your part in how it went wrong; that the picture you may have painted of him isn't the total picture? She might need help there.Thank your mom for her love and care, and you can also let her know clearly that you and your boyfriend are the only ones who get to decide whether you're together or not, that it's a risk you are going to take, and that you really need her support. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Why is he treating me like I am not a good woman?", "questionText": "I am currently living in a hotel and I dont have a family. I met a guy a month ago. He is a bisexual. He has a lot of gay friends on social networking sites. He would not help pay for the room. When I asked for the TV remote control, he threw it elsewhere and asked me to get it. I slapped him and asked him to leave my room. We recently just got back together. One time I was sick. He came to visit and feed me but left no money. Then he texts me and brags about his house and car knowing that I have struggles living at a hotel. He says that he has a whole house where he can put me in and orders me to text him whenever I need someone to have sex with. He left his bath soap so he could come and get it. I think that he is trying to find a way to come back. Please help me. Whats going on? I am a good, loyal woman. Why is he treating me like this?", "answerText": "I am less concerned about this man as bisexual and having gay friends, than about how you feel is treating you. You are in a vulnerable position because of social isolation. If you have friends to talk to, please reach out. While this man has money, it is not his job to take care of you financially unless the two of you have decided that together. It sounds like he sometimes cares for you and other times you feel disrespected. I would suggest you look for a man that is consistent in his love and care. This is not your fault. But you are in control of removing him from you life or choosing not to because he meets some of your needs. Take care."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I better handle my breakup?", "questionText": "I got involved with my best friend who is married but has been very unhappy for the last five years. We both fell in love and have been together for eight months. He left the house and filed for divorce. He decided to tell her about our relationship, and she is willing to forgive and work on things. This shook him. They have two kids together. He decided to put the divorce on hold. He left town for a month to get clarity on the situation and see a therapist.", "answerText": "Hi Miami, I feel your sadness; you might have planned a future with your best friend. We live in a world where we are constantly exposed and connected to people who intrigue us and to whom we might feel a connection. I believe that our ability to protect our relationships from the risks involved here has not developed fast enough.Your friend came face to face with what leaving the marriage meant...huge changes and many intense emotions. He is wise to consider his choices carefully; especially if you have children, there is good reason to work at a relationship that is less than fulfilling. Therapy can help.So you fell in love with a man who was in an unstable place. He's taking the steps to create some stability for himself and that leaves you \"on hold\", not knowing what his decision will be. I love that you seem willing to give him the space he needs to figure it all out. This decision is his.For yourself, you can accept that being \"best friends\" with a man might not be a wise thing. Many marriages don't fair well when friendships like that exist. You flirted with danger; both of you. You fell in love but he wasn't free, really. I'm sure his love for you is real and powerful, but it's not a competition. It's one man choosing his life path. You can focus on thoughts like this:He has the right to choose his life.We flirted with danger by being best friends.I know he does love me; this is not a reflection on my worth.I can feel really good about giving him patience and the space he needs.I feel proud of his honesty.I feel proud if he's willing to fight for his marriage; lucky her...lucky kids.Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel that sadness, that grief. It's real.If you have told anyone about the affair, seek the support of that trusted person and know you have to grieve this in silence because it was born in silence. I wish you well, and for the record, I'm proud of the maturity you show in this situation. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm a teenager, and I want to have a baby with my boyfriend", "questionText": "I have been dating my boyfriend for a month, and we want a baby. We don't work or drive, and we haven't talked to our parents. What should we do?", "answerText": "Hi Athens, When a teenager wants to have a baby, it's usually for a specific, and not healthy, reason. Do you maybe hope that a baby will cement your relationship? It doesn't work that way. Do you yearn for a person who will love you deeply? Babies don't give to us; we give endlessly to them. I urge you to talk to someone you trust about why you want to speed up your life by being a parent before you are fully grown emotionally. A relationship that is one month old is not stable enough to support a change like this. You're only starting to get to know each other. I wish you well and hope you talk to someone."}, {"questionTitle": "I have feelings for one of my best friends", "questionText": "I was hanging out with my close guy friend. We started kissing, but afterwards, he said that we should just stay friends because he doesn't want to ruin anything. We both just got out of relationships. His was very sexual. I'm not a sexual person, and he knows that. I want to be with him, but I'm not ready for another relationship, and I don't know if he ever will want to be more than friends.", "answerText": "Given that both you and your friend recently ended your respective romantic relationships, kissing each other sounds like each of you satisfied a very natural need which for right now does not has a natural source of satisfaction.Suddenly being without a partner is difficult because a relationship absorbs and offers much of a person's energy.Stay focused on what you know about yourself, which is that you're not ready for another relationship.From what you describe about your friend, similar to you, he does not feel ready for a new relationship.If and when you feel ready to enter a new relationship and your friend seems attractive, then you'll be in a position to find out, either by approaching your friend as a potential partner, or by asking your question of his interest in you.Who knows?It is possible your friend will feel ready for a new relationship, approach you, and depending on your personal wishes to be or not be with who he has become, accept his offer.Good luck with Step One, becoming familiar with your new state of single hood, and sorting through the good news and bad news of your most recent relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my partner overcome depression over not having his kids by his side all the time?", "questionText": "My partner seems to always get depressed over the fact that his kids have to see and go through the divorce process. Its especially when the mother of his kids keeps making him feel bad and using the kids as an excuse to get back at him. I feel like just telling him to go back with his family and forget about me.", "answerText": "Hold on, Sanger! You know, I meet with a lot of people who are so sick of the crap that their ex puts them through in the divorce process that yes, they wonder if it's best to go back. I don't think so.If your ex is using the children to manipulate, or is generally controlling the separation process, that's confirmation that getting out was the right decision.Your partner feels powerless to change the current situation. Of course he does, because there are many things that are beyond his control (his ex's behaviours, for one). Accept the powerlessness. Lean into it. It's okay, because there are many things he does have power over, and that's where he can focus.He has the power to give his children a happy dad. That's HUGE. That's why he left, I'd guess. I bet the main barrier to him being happy is the guilt he feels. That's his ex's voice...that's what she wants him to feel...to give into that is letting her win. Ending a marriage in order to be happy is his right. He has not intentionally harmed his children. Hopefully he's aware that the separation has affected them and he's working to create peace and balance in their lives, but he's can let go of the shame she wants him to feel; it's crippling him.He has the power to separate emotionally from his ex. He's not doing that when he lets her words control his emotions. He's still reacting to her. He hasn't completely left yet.A good therapist can help your partner regulate his emotions, combat shame, create emotional distance from his ex and erect proper boundaries. He needs your support in moving forwards, not going backwards. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my girlfriend back?", "questionText": "My girlfriend broke up with me five months ago because I said awful things to her one night for no reason of hers. I have been trying to get her back, but it isnt easy. She is in her 50s and I am in my 40s. She is the one I want for my life, and this is killing me. Every day, I cry, and I am desperate for help.", "answerText": "New York, what would it mean about you if you got her back? Is that the only way you can like or forgive yourself...if she forgives you and takes you back? Your self respect doesn't need to rely on this working with her. She simply doesn't want to be with you, and every day that you refuse to honour her decision is another day that you hurt her all over again. Move on and heal, perhaps with the help of a therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How to help my best friend get over a break up?", "questionText": "I'm a female freshman in high school, and this question is for my male best friend. At the start of freshman year, we dated for about a week before his parents ended it because they said he is too young to date. He has been dating a really sweet senior girl for a month or two. I have nothing against her except for the fact that she has Tim's heart. He is convinced that they are in love, and maybe they are, but I don't really believe him. Lately, Tim had been expressing concern about what is going to happen when Sally leaves for college at the end of term this year. He's been asking me to help him with Sally and what girls like to show her how much he loves her. But he's also been thinking about breaking up with her just so they won't have to deal with it when she leaves. He seems really torn up about it, and I want to know what to say to him and how to help him once she leaves. He knows that I still crush on him. He doesn't rub it in my face. He's a good guy, but I want to actually help him out and recover before we think about maybe another relationship between us. How do I do that when the time comes? How do I support him and show him that I'm here without wanting to hook up? How do I make him feel better? He is convinced he's never going to be able to love anyone ever again, which I think is ridiculous.", "answerText": "First off, I think it is great that you are willing and able to help out your friend with issues regarding his current relationship, despite the fact that you have feelings for him. I think that the best thing you can do is let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk about things. You can also help by presenting options that he has and help him weigh out the pros and cons of his decision, but ultimately he has to decide what to do. Know that you won't be able to heal the pain he feels when his girlfriend leaves but you can be a friend to him by simply listening, validating his feelings,and understanding. Regarding your question about being there for him without wanting to hook up....I'm not sure if that is possible. If you care for him on more than a friendship level, then that desire will likey be there for you no matter what. Be careful that you take care of yourself and don't jeopardize your own happiness while trying to help him with his issues. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "My ex-boyfriend put himself on a dating website because he thought I wasn't interested", "questionText": "I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year. Back in August, he asked for us to step back for now. Since then, he has still been in contact with me every day. We spent some time together over the holidays, but then I was gone for New Years with family. I came to find out that he put himself on a dating site. When I found out, I asked him about it, and he responded with this: My apologies if I got my signals crossed, or if I wasnt honest with you. You have helped me tons this past year and I am glad you are in my life. I didnt realize you were still interested in dating. Again, my apologies. Also, is it better to say that I want him in my life or that I want him as part of my life?", "answerText": "It sounds like there is a bit of confusion regarding how you two feel about each other. Do you know what type of relationship you want with him? A friendship only,casual dating,or an exclusive relationship? I would encourage you to first figure that out and then communicate to him how you are feeling. Ask him to be honest with you about how he feels and what he wants from your relationship as well. Be mentally preparedfor a variety of responses from himso that there are no major surprises.By clearing the air and learning what your own and each other's desires are, you can then move forward with a plan. Without that clarification, there will likely be false assumptions, unanswered questions, and confusion."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I just move on from my demanding girlfriend?", "questionText": "My girlfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together numerous times in the past two years. We recently just broke up again last night on New Years Eve. When we break up, the very next day, she calls me and acts as if nothing has happened. She acts like everything is alright. This has been going on for two years. I do love her and care about her and her children a lot, but she seems really demanding as far as what she deserves from a man. She is always telling me that she deserves this and that from a man. It makes me feel like crap because I cannot give her everything that she wants. She told me one time that she wants a man who is going to be afraid to lose her. Is that a normal thing that women want, or should I just move on already? I am in my 30s and she is in her 40s.", "answerText": "Love is not enough to keep a relationship together.The people need to get along happily too.Let's start with knowing more about your happiness in being with your partner.The frequent break ups happen for a reason. Try understanding more of why you go back together again.You state a few very clear reasons to not continue this relationship, such as \"feeling like crap\" and not liking that your girlfriend hopes her partner will feel afraid to leave her.Trust your intuition telling you that these feelings matter.Sometimes men aren't sure whether following their instinct is a right action to take.It is.Also, hoping a partner will fear losing them, shows a wish to control a person.Control has nothing to do with love and trust, and these are basics of a relationship.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I get my guy to fall back in love with me?", "questionText": "I broke up with him three weeks ago because I felt that he needed to be more respectful. He has since had a rebound relationship. He says he loves and misses me but refuses to see me. He says it's going to be too difficult to see me. Every time we talk, it feels like I'm being pushy to see him. He used to be so madly in love with me, but now, it seems like he couldnt care less. I think I'm running him away.", "answerText": "Hi Kansas,I think your first instinct was good; you broke up with him. You deserve respect, but right now you're not acting as if you deserve it when you push to see him as he's moving on with a new relationship. It's appropriate now for you to respect that relationship and listen to what he says he wants, which is space.Do you think he's going to be any different with her? This a common, unfounded fear we have.I wonder if maybe you miss the feeling of being in love and having a partner more than you miss him. Thebottomline is you can't make someone love you, and you can't make someone be loving towards you, because how someone treats you (and the choices they make) has everything to do with who they are, and nothing to do with who you are. I hope you gather support from others and move on in hope and strength for your own future."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I let my boyfriend go?", "questionText": "I'm an early 20 something year-old virgin, and my boyfriend is in his early 20s with kids. He's cheated on me twice: once in the beginning and then four months ago. He wasn't use to dating a virgin and broke up with me three times because he wasn't sure. We both work at the same job (where we met) and its with the girl that works with us. I've been trying to get over it, but now my confidence and self-esteem are low, and sometimes I feel like hell do it again or that he's not ready to be with me. I think about it all over again when I see her. He says he's in love with me, and with the last time he cheated, it didn't feel right, and that's when he knew he had to stop because his feelings were for me. He's contacted her and told her he will not communicate with her because he's in a relationship with me. How do I gain confidence? Should I let him go? If I let him go, I don't want to be sad about it being that we work together. I try to tell myself I'm beautiful every day, and I think I am a pretty attractive female with a great personality, but I don't like the fact that she works there.", "answerText": "Sorry to hear about all the stress in the relationship.You're on the right track by knowing and sticking with your own standards of what qualifies as acceptable behavior by your boyfriend.Since he was the one who broke your trust, he is one in the position of earning back your trust.This is always a basic formula for couple's therapy in which there has been infidelity.Understand within yourself whether you'd like being with your boyfriend and what you'd like him to do so that you start feeling more secure in the relationship.If yes, then tell him what you now know about yourself as partner in the relationship.For example, some people who are getting over being cheated on, would like knowing details about the affair person, some people want to see the phone of the one who cheated.Recuperating after a cheating incident takes many months.If he tells you he'd like earning back your trust, give him some time to see if there is progress in this area.As results unfold, you will feel clearer on the direction your relationship is naturally taking.About the girl at work, she will feel less meaningful to you as you work together with your boyfriend on securing the relationship.She has her greatest meaning right now because you are at the beginning stage of knowing what direction to take.As you go along this road, more than likely, you'll be more at ease in naturally finding a way of relating to her that feels ok to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I can't control having inappropriate thoughts", "questionText": "I find that I imagine things sexually, and I hate it because it puts strain on my relationship. I feel helpless and guilty. I want it to go away, and I want to make my woman happy again.", "answerText": "It is completely understandable that you would like to find a way to make these intrusive thoughts go away, however, your feeling that you can't control having these thoughts is accurate. It's also understandable that you would feel helpless and guilty, given that you see how these thoughts are effecting your relationship, though I would encourage you to go easy on yourself and remember that you aren't choosing to have these thoughts. I'm sure that if there was a switch to turn them off, you would flip it.There is no magic technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away, however, therapy may still have a lot to offer. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into where these thoughts are coming from and develop new ways of relating to them so that they do not leave you feeling as helpless and guilty and can be more present with your partner. Though there is no guarantee that the thoughts will go away, this may also be a result of work with a therapist. Either way, you may be able to find a way to deal with the thoughts and show up in your relationship in a way that will be satisfying to you and your partner."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it acceptable for me to find another home for my boyfriend's dog?", "questionText": "My boyfriend moved in with me a few months ago. I love him, but his dog is wrecking my house. Every day we get home, there is a huge mess on the floor, and several things will be ripped up (including the couch). He's slowly eating all of the doors, and there will be food and poop everywhere. Even though I come home during all of my breaks to take him out, he still poops and pees in the house every chance. I can't financially afford to have the dog wrecking my house. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about the dog to try and come up with a solution, but it never ends well. The dog is the only thing we fight about because I want him out of the house and my boyfriend doesn't want to see him go. Its not the dog fault though; I understand that. The dog is only a year old, and he isn't a bad dog. He's just too big of a dog for where he is; he should be a farm dog instead of a town dog. I don't hate the dog, but I just can't afford to continue having my house torn to pieces.", "answerText": "Every living creature needs time and support to adjust to a new situation.The dog is in a new place without the ability to understand the reason. This may explain what sounds like the dog's agitation. Have you spoken with your boyfriend on his opinion on how to address the dog behavior problems?Finding an answer together would be a good way of making your relationship stronger. Alot of being a couple who live together is talking, listening and deciding together on how to handle major situations.If it is affordable, then a dog behaviorist may be of great help. The person would guide you in working with the dog to become calmer."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my boyfriend to see my point of view when we argue?", "questionText": "I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do.", "answerText": "It is extremely frustrating when our significant other doesn't understand our points of view. Often times, arguments are not the best opportunities to try and make a point, as strong emotions can get in the way of understanding others' perspectives.Try having a discussion with him about what is bothering you during a time when neither if you are upset or arguing. Communicate how you feel without placing blame and without yelling. Addionally, give him ideas of what he can do differently so that he understands what your expectations are. Lastly, consider seeing a couple's therapist who can assist with teaching more effective communication techniques. Best of luck."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get my boyfriend to see my point of view when we argue?", "questionText": "I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do.", "answerText": "Hi Moore, Underneath all your anger is a lot of hurt. The hurt is there because you are being disrespected. Your boyfriend (unless you've only told me a small, disproportionate part of the bigger picture) doesn't tend to treat you like you're important and he dismisses your emotions. This is happening because this is the level of ability (disability?) he has right now in a relationship. You can expect more of this behaviour (because that's who he is; it has nothing to do with you), and I hope you think carefully about whether it's working for you to be in this.You could try telling him that you are hurt, because people tend to listen more to hurt than to anger, but my guess is with him it might not make a difference. I hope you talk to someone who knows and supports you about how you're feeling in this relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "My fianc is trying to hide that he's texting his ex-girlfriend", "questionText": "My fianc doesn't think I trust him because I was cheated on before. However, he hides his phone and has been texting his ex-girlfriend, who he has two kids with. What should I do?", "answerText": "Oh Chino, I only have half the picture here so I will be cautious. There's a chicken and an egg, and I don't know which came first. One thing I see clearly is that your fiance will always have to have communications with his ex, because they have children. Can you accept that?When suspicion and insecurity come along, your job is to look at the big picture and the real picture. Is there any real evidence that he is cheating? Remember that texting his ex is not evidence alone if the communications are about the kids. Has he earned your trust? If so, then it's not fair to punish him for the betrayals of others. He's not your ex. Reassure your heart that you are his priority if the larger evidence supports that.At the same time, you can let him know what your triggers are. For example, hiding his phone doesn't send you a good message, right?See, this is the chicken and the egg...is he hiding the phone because you've been overreacting when he gets a text? So let him know you won't blow up about him getting a text if he doesn'tconceal or password his phone. Transparency helps build trust. You have sensitivities, and it helps you a lot if he's aware of them and willing to try not to do things that trigger fear.Let him know when you get scared, and hopefully he'll give you the openness and security you need in order to trust him and act as if you trust him. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do to keep my relationship as good as it could be?", "questionText": "My long-distance girlfriend is in a sorority, and it's changing her. I feel like I'm becoming less important to her and it hurts. She just wants me to support the sorority, but it's so hard. I try every day to show her she's the most important thing to me, but she can't even stay relatively sober at a fraternity party for me so that I won't worry about her doing anything regretful. We love each other, but we're in a rough patch.", "answerText": "You may already be doing as much as possible for your relationship.Each of you are 50% of the relationship.Is the 50% which your GF contributes to your relationship, based on the same understanding of the couple's problem, as you have?Maybe a good starting place for the two of you to talk about is defining what problem the two of you have as a couple.This way, each of you will be able to know if you have similar values and definitions of your reasons for being together.Depending on what you each expect from your partnership, you each will clearly know whether, and then how, to accommodate the other person.These discussions stir a lot of emotions in each person, so that sometimes staying clear minded becomes very difficult. You both will likely feel like talking about these matters more than one time.Consider utilizing a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist who would help the two of you stay on track with examine your emotional connections in a fair and safe way.Good luck with understanding and appreciating your relationship!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm with someone, but I have unresolved feelings for my ex-boyfriend", "questionText": "Every once and a while, I think about my ex-boyfriend from four years ago, and my current friend. Its like I can't get past it, and I need some kind of closure. I keep thinking about how we had something, but it got cut off due to parental intervention. Nothing was ever wrong with it. Now we've become friends, but there's this huge sexual tension between us, or at least I feel it when we're physically in the same place. Two summers ago, we saw each other casually for a while, but we never had sex then or while we were dating, which was only for two months three years ago. I'm now in my 20s, and my current boyfriend is amazing and in his 30s. Despite the age difference, I know we're a really good match. We've never really fought and are able to make compromises and talk everything out. I tell him everything. Also, my ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend now as well. Hes been seeing her on and off for the past two and a half years, besides when they broke up and we had our casual thing. That summer, I told him I didn't want anything serious and broke it off. Only a week later, he had gotten back together with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is kind of mean spirited. I'm sure she may be different around him, but I worry about him committing to her in the long run. They're supposed to move in together soon. But still, I feel this connection with my ex-boyfriend, and I feel like he does too. I don't know what to do. I need some closure or I'm not going to be able to move on from this. I don't know what it is, but it's driving me crazy. Im so happy with my current boyfriend, and I know he will do everything in his power to make my life beautiful and fulfilling. Hes such a good person. I also know my ex-boyfriend smokes marijuana and does other things, but I can't get it out of my head. I'm trying to take a nap right now between classes, but I can't sleep because my mind is racing. I've never been so hung up on something for this long ever. I want to just talk it out with my ex-boyfriend, but I don't know if that's a good idea because of the possibility that it could blow up in my face. If he told his girlfriend, everything could go wrong because she hates me. If my current boyfriend knew, he would be crushed. On one hand, I want my ex-boyfriend to say no to having feelings for me, but I would be terrified of what to do if he said he has feelings too. Where would I go from there? On the other hand, I feel like I can't move forward in my relationship with my current boyfriend without closure from this. Sometimes I wish I could just cut off everything that had to do with my ex, but I don't want to. Please help me, because I really have no idea what to do.", "answerText": "If you're in a relationship and you're having strong thoughts about someone else, it's important to pay attention to that. Although you say you're happy, I'd suggest looking really carefully at the relationship you have and whether you're getting everything you need. Is there a physical connection with your ex that you don't have with your current boyfriend? It could be that your boyfriend is marvelous in many areas, but that you just don't feel excited about him for some reason. That's a pretty important element to be missing.It may be that, even if you are happy with your current boyfriend, you still hold something special for your ex. If you feel the need to see what is possible there, I think you have to tell your boyfriend about that and end it with him first. You can't have everything.If you truly feel that you want to be with your current boyfriend, you will do well to stop thinking about and focusing on your ex, because thoughts of him will interfere with the growth of your current relationship. The grass isn't greener... A therapist can help you to focus your energies and thoughts on the present, rather than an imagined version of the past or future."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm older and just experienced heartbreak", "questionText": "After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain.", "answerText": "Ouch. Losing someone you love hurts so much. We all long to be loved and to love and to have that experience and then lose it is awful. While it is easy to feel angry or start doubting yourself under these circumstances, I would encourage you to recognize the agony of what you are experiencing as an indication of how much you value loving relationships and how much you want to make this happen in your life. When we are going through this kind of loss it is really helpful to have the support of friends and family. While no one is going to be able to make it better, we don't have to be alone with our pain. If you are not comfortable with going to those in your life it may be a good time to see a counsellor to help you cope with your distress and learn how to move past this and find the love that you are looking for."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm older and just experienced heartbreak", "questionText": "After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain.", "answerText": "Hi, San Diego.I'm sad that this was your first experience (in 25 years) with feeling in love. You deserve better. My understanding of today's (western?) social cultural norms is that it is somehow acceptable to abruptly stop communicating with someone you've been seeing, without explanation. I don't get it. It's rude. You're better off without this person around. There are still people who operate with respect, but this person isn't one of them.If I'm reading this right, you knew this person for a week? In my humble opinion, much heartache and many poorrelationships come from attaching too soon. It takes years to get to know someone deeply. I know it's hard to keep yourself from falling in love, but you owe it to your heart to take these things more slowly, because everyone puts their best self forward at the beginning and it takes time for that to relax and for you to see who they are when times are tougher and real stuff happens.If I was your therapist, I'd be curious about how this is the first time you've fallen in love? Or is it that you were in love 25 years ago? Was your heart broken then, or did something encourage your heart to close? What has kept you from either meeting people or letting yourself fall in love until now? Is there a danger that you will decide love isn't worth the risk? This is a crucial time for you to potentially seek professional support from a therapist in order to understand yourself and not shut down, if that's what happened before. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I get back together with my ex-boyfriend who has trust issues?", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him \"again.\" I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.", "answerText": "I'm truly sorry to hear that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time.When we are in relationships, trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship. Often, when we feel we are required to prove ourselves, feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive. In situations like this, I often recommend being open and honest in your communication with your partner. Your fears about his response are valid, as he made an assumption which you cannot disprove because you cannot battle against a shadow fact.If you feel comfortable doing so, you can always ask him why he is so concerned you are unable to remain faithful and challenge those beliefs with the facts that disclaim them. You can also ask your partner what it is that he needs from you to help you to help him trust in your responses. In the end, these are issues that you cannot conquer for him - you can only guide him and show him the path towards trust. You may suggest couples counselling or that he seek out a professional to talk to, as well. But in terms of your question, only you can decide whether you feel you can remain in a relationship in which you defend yourself against an uncommitted offense."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I get back together with my ex-boyfriend who has trust issues?", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him \"again.\" I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.", "answerText": "Trust is essential in romantic relationships and it is common to have trust issues - because the stakes are so high. If both of you are committed and willing to be fully honest with each other, trust can be repaired and become stronger than ever. I would encourage you to seek out professional help as it easy to get derailed by fear when trying to work things out in the absence of trust. When fear takes over - we tend to become defensive and act in ways that makes it harder to trust one another. In addition to getting professional support I would encourage you to learn more about building trust in relationships and deepening connection through accessing various online resources on relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it possible to get my ex-boyfriend help, forcibly?", "questionText": "My ex-boyfriend, will not stop harassing and stalking me. We work together. I honestly think he needs help to move on. His accusations are angry lies. But I think he may believe them to be true.", "answerText": "The specific laws about this will vary from state to state. Generally, the only way to \"force\" someone to get mental health care is if they pose an imminent theft of harm to themself or someone else, or if they are unable to care for themself. More importantly, is dealing with your safety. Most states have laws that make stalking a crime. You might want to think about filing a police report and obtaining a restraining order against him. You could also think about contacting a local counselor. While you can't force him to get help with moving on from the relationship, counseling could help you to deal with what is going on."}, {"questionTitle": "How will I check if there really is something wrong with me?", "questionText": "My boyfriend says I'm nuts. I need to get help because I get an overwhelming feeling that he is cheating on me. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he always turns it around on me by telling me what I'm doing wrong. I know that accusing him does not help. When his whole demeanor shifts towards me, I can't help but think that something is wrong. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I try to talk with him to make it better. I let him know when I am feeling down. But I am not confident in these things. Two weeks ago a girl texted his phone 3 times trying to hook up with him. He texted her back with \"Sorry, I've been working. I just read your message.\" The girl was trying to get him to call her at a time when he was at home with me. He texted her back with \"Don't text me anymore.\" I don't feel like I am way out of the line. But I can't talk with him if all that he will say is that I'm crazy and I need help. What should I do? How will I go about checking if there really is something wrong with me?", "answerText": "Trust your intuition that your boyfriend is involved with other people.You gave examples which strongly suggest this.Quite commonly, a person twist someone's words to convince then of having problems in seeing or understanding their own and other's behavior.Your intuition is again working quite well in telling you that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you, not that you're seeing things incorrectly.One way to check if you're totally misreading him, is to examine whether you feel similarly in other relationships.If no one else who knows you tells you that you're crazy, then this strongly points to your boyfriend twisting words so that you feel wrong.Also, a consult with a therapist would clarify the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.A therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion, what to do with your newfound clarity!"}, {"questionTitle": "I don't know where the lines should be drawn with my boyfriend's ex", "questionText": "I want us all to get along, but feel that I am not being respected. Of course I do have some insecurities because he was with his ex for 8 years. He wants to see his step daughter and ex makes it so he has to go there to see her, but she doesn't want me around. She has a boyfriend, but mine fixes their vehicles, goes over once a week and hangs out with the ex and does family things with her. Since he works nights, I only see him parts of Friday-Sunday and we live together. He won't let me use his phone when I forgot mine, says his ex used to mess with it. I don't think he's cheating, but he will lie about what time he actually left her place to come home or about going over early to be with them. I feel like the other woman. She has tried to mess with holiday plans by restricting when he can see the child. He only dated once person before her, so this could be why. I don't feel he has let go enough. He is a wonderful boyfriend other than this.", "answerText": "How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him?The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship.The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner.There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex.Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily.A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised."}, {"questionTitle": "My companion tells me he wants nothing to do with me", "questionText": "Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.", "answerText": "Your partners obviously very confused when it comes to love. Sometimes people shy away from good and positive relationships and companionship because their afraid. They know that it's something worth holding on to but most feel they can't handle it and can't meet up to their partners expectations. Your partner loves you but must have fear that keeps standing in his way. It could also mean their afraid of getting hurt or disapointed in the long run. Give your partner comfort and reassurance that they can come to you to confide in you about anything that may be bothering them."}, {"questionTitle": "My companion tells me he wants nothing to do with me", "questionText": "Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.", "answerText": "Yes, I agree with your view about the \"rollercoaster\" sounding \"crazy\"!Concentrate on knowing what your reasons are for staying with this guy, given the broad facts that you state.What are you gaining from being together and are these gains outweighing how you feel when your companion says the opposite of what he just told you?Also, examine yourself for any fears of being alone.Very often, people stay in detrimental relationships because of a fear that being alone will feel worse.It may, initially feel this way after a breakup.This is from change itself.Eventually, stability and peace of mind return, and being alone with oneself is preferred to being taken on an emotional rollercoaster by a partner."}, {"questionTitle": "My best friend says she loves me but is talking to a random guy", "questionText": "I have been with my best friend for over a year, and we have had a beautiful baby girl. We were in love, and I still love her dearly. I am in my late teens and so is she. She says she has lost her connection with me. She is talking to a random guy that she says is just someone to talk to. But she says she still loves me. I'm very hurt and confused.", "answerText": "Congrats on having your daughter!Have you told your partner about your feelings of \"hurt and confused\"?This is one possible way of opening a conversation about the different ways you each feel about one another and whether either of you would like changing or continuing to live together, in light of the change in emotional connection.The first step of having a dialogue about a relationship is being clear on what you are feeling, what you are willing to contribute to the relationship and what you would like having in return from your partner.Ask your partner if she is willing to have a conversation on these topics. Then, allow some time so each of you is clear about their own expectations and what is possible to offer the other.This is a fairly complex process and very often is difficult to keep on track without outside help to keep the discussion focused.It is normal for emotions to override our logic when discussing matters we care about deeply.If the conversations don't go very far, or if your partner has no interest in talking, stick with your own interest to more fully understand matters.Interview some therapists to find one whom you feel helps you clarify and find direction for yourself about this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I feel like I need a man in my life?", "questionText": "Why am I attracted to older men?", "answerText": "What a wonderful question!Good for you on clearly knowing your priorities.If I was sitting with you now, I'd ask you to list your reasons.Start with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little further.If, for example, you feel you need a man because many of your friends are in relationships, then possibly you feel insecure about being your unique self, even when this sets you apart from your friends.If, you feel you need a man to protect you financially, then possibly you've lost faith in your ability to financially support yourself.If you'd like a man in your life to offer your love and are willing to contribute the work of relating intimately, then you've found the best reason for wanting a man in your life.This is far different than \"need\"."}, {"questionTitle": "There's this girl I've been dating for months", "questionText": "We went out had great sex and I was really liking her. Then one day she says we should just be friends, but I can't stop thinking about her. She's always on mind and I want her back.", "answerText": "It can be really difficult when someone you care about doesn't feel the same about you. The most important thing to remember is that you can not make her feel a certain way. There is nothing you can do to force her to want to be in a relationship with you.In the end, if she \"just wants to be friends\" then she's probably not the right match for you.Remember, every relationship ends - until that last one that doesn't. And that is how it's supposed to be"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I communicate with a person who is sensitive to negativity in a disagreement?", "questionText": "I know someone who is extremely sensitive to stress and very sensitive to a negative tone of voice. Sometimes during a disagreement he tells me that my communication is having a harmful impact on him. Once he believes I am being negative I can't seem to find a better way of communicating. In fact, it is often a self fulling prophesy because his accusatory manner becomes unbearably frustrating. What advice might you offer?", "answerText": "With any type of criticism, it is usually best to introduce the topic at a neutral time, ie: when both of you are relaxed, with no current stressors involved, having fun, etc. Begin with a non-judgmental reflective comment about a recent bothersome event, as if it were just then crossing your mind (therefore not something you've been consumed with ruminating over - eases the impulse for him to dive straight into defense mode).Then share how you felt at the time of the event. Just say when.... I felt kind of hurt / shocked (or whatever the feeling was). PERIOD. THATS ALL YOU SHOULD SAY. Wait for him to respond to your matter-of-fact statement.No matter what his response is, stick to your same message - don't get overwhelmed by trying to rephrase or explain your view as that will likely set you up for continued arguing. You can even add, \"I agree I could have misunderstood it (event).... I just know it made me feel uneasy.\"Here you give him little wiggle room for a debate.Good luck & I'd love to hear how it goes!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I communicate with my boyfriend of ten years without him feeling like I'm attacking him?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "To follow please find some tips on getting your message across to each other, which will help you both stay emotionally connected in a healthy respectful way!Step 1: Start with I...+ feeling (For example, I feel angry because...)Step 2: About what... (Not describing your partner but the situation.)Step 3: What needed...(How partner make it better) We want to be soft on the person but hard on the issue. Directing the complaint towards the situation rather than your partner always works.It isimportant for us to be soft on the person, but tough on the issue.And at the end, say what can be done to make things right.I am wishing you and your boyfriend the very best."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I communicate with my boyfriend of ten years without him feeling like I'm attacking him?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Such an awesome question! The research of Dr.John Gottmanshows that there are 4 negative communication patterns that many couples find themselves in that create conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling.Distilled down, what you can focus on doing is starting up your conversations gently, taking responsibility, talk about your needs rather and pay attention to your own need for self soothing.Watchthis brief videoto learn more.Having said that, this is stuff that some couples do naturally and that others need counseling to learn, and then there are also couples who, at no fault of their own, don't mesh. Often when our partner's feel attacked it's could be for one of a few reasons. 1) you are being mean 2) you triggered an old wound. Most of the time it's #2. As Dr. Gottman says, most couples disconnect because of 'mindlessness, not malice.' Learning how to tune into one another and get past your own stuffs, that's what forms the foundation for lasting relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me", "questionText": "What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.", "answerText": "As a relationship therapist I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another and almost always find that the origin of these feelings point back towards childhood.How did you caregivers express (or not express) love towards you? How did they express (or not express) love towards one another. These early messages become your template for how you have learned to see yourself and what you expect from others.In his bookWired for Love,Stan Tatkin, PsyD writesWe learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people. This could be very fruitful to explore in individual therapy with a relationship therapist who really gets it, you may have to interview a few to find the right fit; that's OK. Maybe you'd even want to read that book I linked above. :) Noticing thispatternis HUGE, it's where transformation begins. And now that you have be kind with yourself, it begins there too."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me", "questionText": "What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.", "answerText": "I'm sorry you are feeling uncared for. I'm sure there are plenty of people that care and love for you that you are not taking into consideration. Sometimes when we get upset we may think irrationally and see the world as all or nothing. However, take a deep breath, relax and start focusing on the positive relationships you have with others, regardless of how small or insignificant they may seem. I think you will quickly realize there are people out there that care a great deal about you.I also think it would help for you to surround yourself among people who you can identify with and share common interests with. Maybe you can attend a religious service, join an interest group (i.e. reading club, sports group, etc.) or start a group of your own. Most importantly, you need to tap into your interests and surround yourself with things that are beneficial for your own mental and physical health. From this, relationships will start to immerse.You may also like to talk with a therapist regarding your feelings of being unloved. This is an unhealthy way to think of yourself and I think with a little help, you can see that you are more than deserving of a great relationship.Thanks for reaching out and I wish you the best of luck moving forward."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me", "questionText": "What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.", "answerText": "What would make you feel no one wants to be with you?"}, {"questionTitle": "Should I be concerned that my boyfriend will not introduce me to a female friend", "questionText": "He goes out with her to dinner/brunch/movies when we are not together (we live 2 hours apart).", "answerText": "Would you have the same desire to meet this friend if she were a he? If you are concerned that their friendship is a substitute for you when you aren't present,talk to him. It sounds like you are concerned that he is building an emotional intimacy with her and spending time doing the sort of things with her that you'd otherwise be doing with him. Help him understand why this bothers you but try to also be open to allowing him to make friends. Is the issue that he hasn't introduced you? Is there another reason you don't trust their friendship?"}, {"questionTitle": "My relationship feels off and I feel insecure", "questionText": "My girlfriend's grandma passed away 5 months ago. They were very close. She took care of her till she died. Things kinda returned to normal few weeks later. Last month it feels like we hit a brick wall. Intimacy fell off. I asked what's up. She says she can't connect with anyone and that it's not me. She used to be very open and expressive. Now she gives short answers and has no interest in sex or any touching. When we did have sex in the last month, something felt really off. Now I'm very insecure about us and have thoughts of her cheating. She says otherwise, but I don't know. It just feels like something is really off.", "answerText": "Grief has a huge impact on us and everyone's reaction is different. The one common reaction however is to shut down and distance ourselves. Her relationship with her grandmother was close, given she took care of her up until she passed. It sounds like she is working through a difficult loss and her ability to connect with you, or anyone else, is likely low right now. Trust what she is telling you and try to be there for her as she works through it. If she finds it too difficult to connect again, a good grief counselor can help her get back on track."}, {"questionTitle": "I just found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me", "questionText": "He is in his late thirties and I am in my mid twenties. We have been together for about 5 months. I really like him. He says he cares about me and is willing to fight to make things right. He has been very apologetic and expressed he did it out of fear. I don't know if it's worth giving him a second chance.", "answerText": "Cheating is often a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. His fear may be full of information. While it's possible to repair relationships after a betrayal it's also challenging to do, especially so early in your relationship. I can't tell you if you should/shouldn't give this relationship a second chance but I will tell you to tune into your own intuition (and follow your own fears in doing so, they often are incredibly informative when we don't push them away with denial)."}, {"questionTitle": "I am in my mid-40s and am currently mending a broken heart over another failed relationship", "questionText": "I keep getting into relationships with men that are in bad situations. I take them on and help them and do all I can and the relationship still fails. How do I learn to not get in relationships with men in bad situations? I see someone in need of help, I jump in. And it is getting me nowhere. I am alone sad and frustrated.", "answerText": "Sounds like you already see what's amiss. You're looking for fix-er-uppers! When you meet these men they need you. And you're filled by fixing them. And when they are fixed, what do they have to give you? What's your need in relationship? What if you found someone who didn't need fixing?"}, {"questionTitle": "I cheated on my husband with one of his good friends a few years ago", "questionText": "We kissed and he grabbed my boobs and we exchanged some texts and a few calls. It went on for about 8 months. Just when we were all together and our spouses were out of the room. Once I met him for lunch to tell him that we needed to stop. We ended up kissing after lunch and then I sent him a few more texts that day telling him I was serious and that was the end of it. His wife (my good friend) saw us kiss once and told my husband. I told him a couple of things then and we got over it. A year later she told him a couple of other things. Same story. It's been about 3 years since. They are now divorced and my husband and I have been happy. A few weeks ago the wife called me and said that her now ex told her more stuff we did. I decided to just tell my husband everything. We are trying to work things out. But he is having a really hard time believing that he knows all of it. How can I help him believe me?", "answerText": "The issue at hand here is that you're betrayal broke his trust. In order to repair your relationship you will both need toconfront the infidelity. And both of you will need to honor yourselves by communicating your feelings and ensuring that those feelings are heard and validated. It would be really helpful to do this work with a Gottman or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. Gottman's The Science of Trust and What Makes Love Last would both be helpful reference books to guide you along."}, {"questionTitle": "My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago and now he wants me back", "questionText": "I'm currently dating someone else and I really like him. But I love and miss my ex so much. What do I do?", "answerText": "Finding the right person is a tricky thing to do. Why did you and your ex break up 3 months ago? In relationships with others you get to see a reflection of yourself. Sometimes you may enjoy that reflection, other times it may not feel so good. I'm not sure where you are in your life and relationships and what you do from here depends on what you desire more of in your life. But I'm not simply talking in the moment desire, I'm referring to the direction you want your life to go. If one of these guys was to support you...who would help you reach your dreams? And who would you enjoy spending time with? It's complicated and no one can answer the 'what to do' question but you. Slow down. Tune into your heart. Listen."}, {"questionTitle": "Me and my girlfriend of 7 years are looking for some free couples counseling in Modesto, CA", "questionText": "We have been fighting a lot and have 3 kids but we both want to stay together. I need some help to save our family.", "answerText": "Hello, I do not live in the California area. However, perhaps I could make some suggestions as to where you might look for free counseling. First, I must mention that most insurances now cover for many different types of issues, including family issues. If your girlfriend lives with you, most insurances now cover \"live-in partners,\" as well. If you have insurance, contact your policy provider and ask whether or not couples counseling is included.Aside from insurance, the next place that comes to mind is a religious affiliation. Do you belong to a church or other religious organization? Many of the pastors or leaders in these disciplines have significant training in counseling, as well as assisting with marriage and couples counseling. These services are ordinarily offered free of charge to members.Another option might be to explore support groups within the area. There may be a group in the form of a couples support group that brings couples together to explore their relationships in the safety of the group. If you find there are no such groups in your area, there are anonymous, support groups online. Here is one such site:http://relationship.supportgroups.com/"}, {"questionTitle": "I recently lied to my fianc about my past", "questionText": "I find myself lying about small everyday things that there is really no need to lie about. How do I figure out what triggers me to do this? And how do I help overcome this problem? I would like to become more honest and open no matter the situation.", "answerText": "Well let's start with the awesome realization you've already had, you want to notice that you have triggers. That's huge. Really.I find that when people lie, it's most often as a defense mechanism. Which is likely a flag that something doesn't feel safe. What exactly doesn't feel safe could be lots of different things but the key to notice is that it's that feeling of insecurity that is very likely triggering you.It could really help to explore this with therapist, perhaps even someone with a trauma specialty -- that's not to say this is related to a trauma but more so to suggest that therapists specializing in trauma are very skilled at helping to identify and assist in repatterning your triggers!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do balance attention between my girlfriend and my dogs?", "questionText": "I have dog obsession disorder and I am having problems with my girlfriend because I am placing more importance to my two dogs over her. How do I get over this problem and prioritize my girlfriend over my two dogs?", "answerText": "Hey, dogs are cool. They adore pleasing humans and often LOVE to work on learning what you want and expect from them.Your girlfriend on the other hand, likely has her own desires and needs that she attend to before tuning into yours. You are good with dogs, that tells me that you've spent some time observing their behavior. The first step in working through this issue would be similar, start to tune into and observe your girlfriend more often... Observation is a skill when it comes to relationship building. The skills you have mastered in relating with your dogs can carry over, you will just have to relearn what behaviors you are watching. And keep in mind that also means observing yourself in relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "I have been in a relationship for a year and 7 months these few weeks have been bad", "questionText": "He's been losing feelings and he doesn't know why. I love him very very much. He sometimes thinks I'm obsessed when I'm not at all. I give him his space and I make sure he's okay but sometimes I think if me and him saw each other more it would be better? I truly want me and him to get better, it's kind of hard not to stress about it, because the love of my life is losing feelings which is a sad feeling. He's a great guy! I just don't know why he's been losing feelings towards me. He's starting to put less effort in talking to me. At this point I'll do anything to just make us better as a couple. I tried talking to him but he doesn't like talking about it much. Advice on what to do?", "answerText": "I'm willing to bet that this isn't what you are hoping to hear, but I'd suggest giving him space. Ooph, that's a tough one, right?! I know. But here's the thing, when you keep trying to process and talk it out with him you keep pushing him away. He needs to feel like a solid and whole person (as you do too) to be able to be fully in your relationship. It's the work of being in relationship to learn this. I get that this is tough stuff. I wonder, outside of being with him, how do you soothe and calm yourself? That's the stuff for you to tune into and focus on right now."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm having a lot of conflict in my relationship", "questionText": "We do communicate but one of us has trouble accepting what the other person says. How can I fix things?", "answerText": "Being able to accept your partner's influence is a key relationship skill. And it's very two sided. Chances are if you don't feel your partner is being influenced by you, they likely don't feel you are being influenced by them either. The best fix you can practice is to soften yourself into your partner and see how much more open you can be to their influence. Play with it."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I start talking again after a fight?", "questionText": "I haven't uttered one word to my boyfriend in days. Now I'm over it and don't know how to approach the situation?", "answerText": "In any relationship, it is important to be able to say \"I'm sorry\" because it shows vulnerability and openness. I recommend that you sit and have a discussion with him now that you are calm about why you were upset and how you would like to handle such incidents in the future. If you find yourself becoming upset again, I encourage you to take a 20 minute break and then come back to the conversation once you are no longer heated. Studies show that talking or discussing arguments are more effective once you have cooled down and you are more likely to hear/understand what your partner is trying to convey."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I choose between two guys?", "questionText": "I have been with a guy for 4 years, he's a great guy and we also have a son together. The problem is that I'm in love with a guy that I've been talking to for about 2 years but I've never met him in person. Honestly I'm bored with the relationship I have with the first guy and he makes want to go after the second guy, I don't know how to tell him that. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi there. Wow, this sounds like a sticky situation; however, Im here to help guide you through this decision.First and foremost, you must ask yourself, if you ever loved your sons father or was it a situation to where you two got pregnant and stayed together for the child. Its very common to stay with your partner when a child is involved regardless, if love is involved or not because its the right thing to do. Right? Well, not entirely. Although, staying with your partner because you have a child together may seem right, in fact, it hurts the child in the long run. If you are not love with your partner, you will show distance, unhappiness, sadness, possibility of frequent arguments and cheating. When a child grows up in the home and witnesses these types of emotions & behaviors it is unhealthy as he/she will expect their own relationships to be such. As a responsible adult, you are supposed to be there to shape and model the future for your child. Just remember, what you do, your child will model.Secondly, do not sell yourself short from love. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have someone to share their love and intimacy with. However, being in love with someone you have never seen before can be very risky. Honestly, that sounds like lust and the longing of love. Humans have needs and when people are unhappy in their current relationship, they often seek out what they need. If you decide to pursue the second relationship, I would suggest setting up an outing with a friend or two in order to get to know this person as there are a lot of scammers these days.Finally, I am not convinced that this has anything to do with choosing between two guys. This seems as if you are making a decision to end the relationship with your childs father or not. You should ask yourself, if you were in love with your childs father first off. If you were, you would have never sought after love. I hope this was helpful for you and I hope I was able to shed a different light on your situation. Take care of yourself!"}, {"questionTitle": "Dealing with an unfaithful and judgmental significant other", "questionText": "I have been with this guy on and off for 8 years. At first, we used to do things together and our sex life was ok. Then things started to change, we'd break up and reconnect, and he cheated on me numerous times. We've also had two beautiful baby girls during this time. Now we argue and he says I am not affectionate at all or I don't know how to please a man, when I work part-time, take care of a 2 year old and a 5 month old and cook. Sometimes he cooks, but he also spends a lot of time on the internet. In addition, I have 2 boys and he has 1 son. I feel somewhere I have lost something. It's not that I dont care, I truly love this guy, but I'm just tired of being the one who is always being judged. Please, I am in need of a Christian counselor to help us because I really need to speak to someone.", "answerText": "I don't think youve lost something, I think youve found something - your breaking point, and it's about time. Your boyfriend seems to be a very selfish and immature man who reconnects with you when it's convenient for him. Obviously, he has his own issues, but I want to address yours. I agree you need to talk to someone. The fact that youve put up with his repeated cheating and then letting him blame you for it (by saying you're not affectionate enough, etc.), tells me you probably have low self-esteem and have likely told yourself over the years that you don't deserve any better. You do! You may truly love this guy, but based on his behaviors, he does not love you, not in the way you deserve. And although you may want to believe he can change, he has proved over and over again that he's not willing to, so you need to do what is best for you and your children. What would you tell your daughters if someone was treating them this way? Would you want your sons to treat women this way? That's what you're teaching your children when they see this.Like I said, I agree that you should talk to someone. You can ask your boyfriend to go too, but my guess is he won't. Even if he does, you should still see someone individually to work on YOU. I understand it's not easy to just kick him out, especially since you have children together, but a counselor can help you talk through all the details whilehelping you raise your self-esteem and self-worth."}, {"questionTitle": "My girlfriend broke up with me but I want her back. What do I do?", "questionText": "Me and my girlfriend just broke up. She said she loves me but is not in love anymore. This came out of nowhere. We seemed so happy together. It all started when she went to Missouri to visit her family. The first week she was there she was fine then once she went to this one sisters house everything changed. That's when she told me she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I thought maybe it was just because she missed her family and she just wanted to be home because she told me that she could not leave them again. Then she told me to come to her in Missouri. So that's what I did. I quit my job I dropped everything, said goodbye to my family in Florida and drove 15 straight hours to be with her. Once I got there everything was fine again. She apologized for everything and said she didn't mean any of it then we were good for about a week. Then she went back to saying she didnt love me anymore and had no feelings for me. The only thing that really gets me and makes me not want to accept this is that now she is pregnant. This wasnt an accident. We were trying to get pregnant, so all this is hard to accept. I love her so much. I have never been bad to her. I've treated her the best I can. I wanted her to be my wife. I was going to propose to her when she got back. Now I'm losing my family and my mind. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "I am sorry to hear of these troubles. I see a few issues here. I wonder why you were both trying to get pregnant when the relationship seemed troubled? Some people think that they can fix a broken relationship by getting pregnant, and all this does is bring up more problems.You say you never treated her badly, and I believe you. People in a relationship can still be unhappy even when there is no abuse or mistreatment going on. In fact, giving too much of yourself to the relationship and not having a self outside of this relationship can be unhealthy. It takes two whole, healthy, happy people who are that way when they are single to come together to make a whole, healthy, happy couple in a relationship. Expecting your partner to meet all your needs or to provide your happiness is not going to work.There are two books that I recommend you buy and read. One is Codependent No More. The other is Can My Relationship Be Saved?Sometimes when you cling and try even harder to hold onto someone, it makes you both miserable. You cannot change her and cannot change her mind. Sometimes the best thing is to let go. If it is meant to be, you will end up back together again. It seems like this is something that she needs to decide since she is the one that keeps doing the leaving. I suggest backing off and letting her go. Maybe she needs time to clear her head and make up her mind. If it is meant to be, she will come back. If not, use this time to work on being a healthy happy you on your own."}, {"questionTitle": "I need help of letting go of a man who hurt me but its so hard. How do I do it?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It is incredibly hard to let go of a relationship that was meaningful in your life. Even though you consider the relationship to be a hurtful one, Im sure there are some aspects about it that are hard to let go of (i.e. time invested, mutual friends, positive memories, etc). So it is very understandable why its hard for you.However, the most important piece here is that you know that this relationship is harmful. That is great that you have recognized this. Unfortunately, some men and women do not realize the damaging and hurtful situation that that they are really in.Keep in mind that the longer you stay in this relationship, the longer it will be until you find the RIGHT person. You are doing this to better yourself and your future. Look at it this way, being in a destructive relationship is comparable to an illness or disease. You are simply, taking the correct measures to rid you of this sickness and to get well.It may also help to write down a list of negative aspects of the relationship and keep it close if times arise when you begin to question yourself or start to miss this person. Constant reminders of why you ended the relationship will be helpful to keep you on right track and in the right mind setting.It will be difficult, but its doable. Give your chance to start on your deserved happiness now.Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal for married men to fantasize about having oral sex with men?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It can absolutely be normal for men to fantasize about sexual activities with other men! Fantasy can be an incredibly fulfilling experience for you and your partner! This could be a aspect of your sexuality that you would benefit from exploring thorough conversation with trusted someone, like your spouse or close friend (or therapist). Depending on your current relationship, would you be comfortable discussing this with your spouse?Also, please understand that this likely has nothing to do with your gender identity as one therapist posted here. A fantasy related to sex may have to do with your sexual orientation but NOT gender identity."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal for married men to fantasize about having oral sex with men?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Everyone fantasizes about something. In relationships, it is absolutely normal to have fantasies of a sexual natureabout other people, whether they are real or imaginary. This could certainly include fantasies about people of the same gender. Marriage doesn't stop us from fantasizing, but it may stop us from acting on our fantasies if we are in a monogamous relationship. It seems to me that you may be wondering if having these fantasies says something about someone's sexual orientation. It may or may not. One thing that is important to think about is that there is a lot more variety in people's sexual interests than what we generally learn about in society. We mostly talk about lesbian, straight, gay,bisexual, orqueer folks, but there are actually many other interests than those. Some people are attracted to some men and women, and yet they are married to one partner and remain committed and monogamous in that relationship. They may still fantasize, however. Other people are simply curious and are aroused by the thought of someone of the same gender, but they have no plan to explore the interest. There aremany possibilities, and that could include the possibility of being gay or bisexual. So, is it normal? Yes. Not every married man has these fantasies, obviously, but some surely do. Where there may be a problem is if the person is actually struggling with their sexual orientation, and the fantasies are about more than just curiosity and arousal. If that is the case, then the person may need help sorting through feelings that mayconfuse them. Hope this was helpful.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal for married men to fantasize about having oral sex with men?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "If you feel this real for you, then it is. It is an incredible transition to undergo. There is more and awareness out there about trans now. Read different stories and find a support network so you do not feel alone. Just live your new life. Mom will simply have to realize this with time. You can gently and lovingly confront her if she continues to refer to you as a female. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal for married men to fantasize about having oral sex with men?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Maybe.I don't imagine there is any accurate way of collecting enough information from other people to give you an answer.Instead, I'd look to whether you're in a happy and healthy relationship, have friends, a relatively satisfying work situation, place to live, and overall are satisfying all the other areas of life.If you're in a solid and stable life, then enjoy your oral sex fantasies. They are just as normal as the rest of your life would seem!"}, {"questionTitle": "I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it", "questionText": "I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.", "answerText": "Let yourself enjoy crossdressing!What sounds in your way are whatever beliefs you gre up hearing, see and absorb currently.Concentrate on your own satisfaction and that you are doing this in a non-harming way.Maybe if you branch out your interest by finding other people who enjoy crossdressing as much as you do.With any interest or activity, social interaction supports it."}, {"questionTitle": "I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it", "questionText": "I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.", "answerText": "Normalizing cross-dressing and being open and accepting about who you are. Consider your personal reasons for crossdressing, perhaps to release stress, embrace your feminine side (we all have feminine and masculine energy), and decide for yourself if it is or it is not for sexual stimulation."}, {"questionTitle": "I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it", "questionText": "I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.", "answerText": "Hi there! It sounds like you have already started to answer your own question by stating that you love cross dressing very much, and I am glad you enjoy it! Cross dressing is something many people enjoy, and there is no harm in it whatsoever.My question to you would be: What is making you feel torn about it? There is unfortunately still a lot of negative stigma associated with people who express their gender or sexuality in ways that differ from the majority. (And sometimes certain sexual interests are actually very common or even in the majority, but because people carry shame about being different when it comes to gender and sexuality we assume we are all alone!)Being a sexual or gender minority or someone who participates in kink or expresses their sexuality or gender identity in a unique and personal way often means suffering from something called \"internalized oppression\". We grow up being exposed to certain assumptions and beliefs about what is \"acceptable\" behavior and even face consequences sometimes if we don't \"fit in\" the way others tell us to. Even if those assumptions are harmful and wrong, we still internalize them and feel guilty about who we are. There is nothing wrong with us, but feeling stigmatized and isolated can lead to feelings of shame, embarrassment, or like something is \"wrong\" with us.But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, so be proud of who you are and what you enjoy. You can continue to simply enjoy it privately, or maybe you'd eventually like to share it with a partner or maybe even join a community with similar interests. I'll leave you with a quote from comedian Eddie Izzard, who identifies as, in his own words, a \"straight transvestite\": \"Theyre not womens clothes. Theyre my clothes. I bought them!\" Take care, and thanks for your question!"}, {"questionTitle": "I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it", "questionText": "I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.", "answerText": "If you enjoy cross-dressing and are comfortable with how you feelaand aware of your own thoughts and feelings about it in private as compared to in public, I see no problem with that.If you would like to become more comfortable with it or express more feelings about it, I recommend that you see a local mental health professional, not because there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but so you can learn more about yourself in the process. You may find that doing this in private and having a partner who accepts that is your view of how you would like things to be. You may discover that you would like to do this in public.I appreciate your honesty."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "I frequently work with individuals who develop same-sex attraction later in life. Humans have a tendency to think of things in absolutes. Black or white. Good or bad. Gay or straight. In fact, much of life is lived in the \"grey\" that lies in between the extremes. This is especially true of sexual orientation which is fluid and occurs along a spectrum. As someone ages and grows, their sexual interests may change. I would encourage you to speak to a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ+ individuals. They will have the experience necessary to help you navigate these issues."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "What most people don't know is that sexual preferences can be fluid, meaning our sexual orientation is not as fixed as most people believe. Women in particular tend to be more fluid in their desire to express and experience sex. It is not uncommon for heterosexual women in their mid-life to explore new sexual appetites. That said, men tend to be more rigid in their orientations particularly if they are hetero while gay men tend to be more fluid. So if your distress is over your new interests I would tell you, you are not alone and not abnormal. Since you have started exploring, enjoy and consider seeing a therapist to help you navigate your feelings around this new sexual life! Warm wishes."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Sexuality, sexual orientation is not permanently fixed. What worked or described you at one point could change. As we grow and evolve some things about us that were once true sometimes becomes no longer true. Change and evolution are natural. Self-acceptance is integral, loving yourself and embracing yourself as you grow, change evolve is paramount."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "It sounds like this revelation has rocked your sense of yourself, which is understandable. There are no rules about who we are attracted to, who we may choose to be intimate with, and who we may choose to love.Although this is changing (thankfully), our culture has provided limited openly acceptable options for all of these; asking us to generally fit into a heteronormative model. From my perspective supporting a variety of kinds of couples, it doesn't mater whether you had other inclinations that have been suppressed or if you are discovering something new about yourself.I support you (and all my clients) in accepting yourself as you are in this moment. It can be okay if that is scary or uncomfortable; it makes sense if it's new. It's also okay to find support with trusted friends, LGBTQ+ friendly organizations, or a therapist. I wish you all the best on whatever comes next for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Sexuality is fluid. One can be interested in same gender relationship after being straight fr 40years !"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "That's a loaded question, but to answer with a short answer, I'd say, it's because you are. Get in with someone to explore more of that why and what you want to do with where you are now. Hope that helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with us. The wonderful thing about humans is that we are continually growing and changing. During that growth and change, we may uncover things such as an attraction to the same sex. This is perfectly normal within the lifespan of humans. The one question to ask, is how do you feel about it? If you are comfortable with this new facet of yourself then embrace it for all it is. On the other hand, if you are struggling to accept this within yourself it may benefit you to find a counselor who specializes in sexuality. I wish you the best on your journey.Namaste"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Numerous studies have found that sexuality is fluid and it evolves over time. Sexual orientation is very much a spectrum that one can move around in time. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you or that you necessarily have been hiding \"in the closet\" all this time. Your sexuality is unique to you. There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality as long as everyone is on the same page. I always recommend practicing safe sex too!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Sexuality is normally formed during adolescence. It would be extremely rare for someone to develop feelings of same-sex attraction later in life. I would explore whether the attraction you are experiencing is sexually-based or intimacy-based. Perhaps you are craving a close, emotionally intimate relationship with the same-sex, but have somehow sexualized that desire. People often short-cut emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy. This would be something to explore with a counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay. Sexual preference exists on a continuum. Over the course of many years a person's sexual preference may shift."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "During these encounters did you feel safe? accepted? Where you able to experience something new in your life?It is natural to feel attraction to all people. As young children we love everyone. It was as we got older that the social constructs had us make a \"choice\". It could have been that you were always attracted to the same sex, but now are allowing yourself to feel and explore. But also know that life is interesting as we grow and mature we find that we like things we never liked before, things we said we would never do now seem appealing.What is the story you are telling yourself about having these interests? Try to not overthink your attractions. See where they take you. You are on a journey to discover yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?", "questionText": "After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.", "answerText": "There are many possible answers to your question.The best one will be the one you decide after reflecting on your own reasoning as to your sexual attraction change.Sometimes people inhibit their sexuality bc of fear others will disapprove. Currently since in most circles being gay is acceptable, the conditions are much easier now to come out.Maybe this describes you.How happy are you in your marriage?Sometimes people find it easier to discover a sudden change in their sexuality than to face painful emotions in an existing marriage.These are only two theoretical possibilities and may not even reflect your own.What matters is your self-discovery and that you trust your findings as the answer to your question."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have to go to counseling to get hormones to transition from female to male?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "That depends entirely on the doctor you go to for your hormones. WPATH, the World Professional association for Transgender Health, new standards of care say the therapy before hormones and a letter are recommended. There is a standard of care, ICATH which follows informed consent. ICATH takes into the consideration that your body is your own and therefore your own choice as to what happens to it. There are doctors in metro areas that practice informed consent where you would not need to have a letter stating you have been to counseling. Some doctors still require a letter from a counselor. When you call to set up an appointment, ask the doctor if they require a letter. If they require a letter, you will need to see a counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have to go to counseling to get hormones to transition from female to male?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hello! You've gotten some great answers here! I would like to add that transition looks different for everyone. For some folks, transition means hormones, surgery, voice work, electrolysis, and other medical interventions. For other individuals, it means some or none of that. It's an incredibly personal journey and only you (with the help of supportive individuals) can make those choices for yourself! Hope this helps! So glad you're reaching out for support! I would also add that you DO NOT need to enter therapy to receive hormones, if you have access to what is called an informed consent clinic. Informed consent clinics (at least in California) do not require letters or therapy as part of the process."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have to go to counseling to get hormones to transition from female to male?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hi there, and thanks for your question! To answer your question, I'm going to point you to a link from Dara Hoffman-Fox's blog. Dara is a gender therapist like myself, and everything Dara says is very accurate!Ask a Gender Therapist: I Want to Transition Do I Have to See a Therapist?Also, since you asked specifically about hormones, it really depends on where you live, how accessible transgender friendly medical providers/endocrinologists are in your area, and also whether you feel you would benefit from counseling-regardless of whether a counselor's letter of referral is required from your medical provider. I hope this information helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have to go to counseling to get hormones to transition from female to male?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "This question depends on the Country, State, and doctor that you are working with. The clients I have worked with within Washington State, have had to attend therapy while undergoing hormone therapy. Additionally, many of my clients have had to receive an assessment to even have the ability to use insurance for hormone therapy.I would recommend that you ask your Doctor what their requirements may be.Namaste"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have to go to counseling to get hormones to transition from female to male?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Each situation is different so the answer depends on whether you feel counseling would help you, if there are requirements for counseling at the practitioner, clinic or state laws about this."}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have to go to counseling to get hormones to transition from female to male?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I know that most people who are transitioning from one gender to another are required to enter into counseling at some point. Transitioning is a long process and there are many steps. I do not know for certain whether you need to be in counseling before receiving hormone therapy, but I do believe that it is a part of the process prior to an actual surgical transition.You may consider a book called the Transgender Guidebook. While I have not read this book, a trusted coworker and clinician says that it is very informative.If you are speaking with a physician about gender transition hormones, they would probably know whether counseling is required at that time or later in the process."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know what my sexual orientation is?", "questionText": "I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.", "answerText": "I think longevity has a lot to do with arriving at a clear answer.Its ok to not know and while you don't know, read, join groups which discuss the topic, and most valuable, pay attention to the way you actually feel around girls, how being approached and approaching girls feels, and whether this feels about the same as when you are around boys.Eventually the question will answer itself.Try to avoid deciding a conclusion until your heart feels ready to tell you a clear answer."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know what my sexual orientation is?", "questionText": "I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.", "answerText": "I would ask you, \"do you feel like you need to come up with a label?\" Is there something about identifying as one or the other that would be helpful for you? From what current science has told us about sexual orientation, it's a spectrum. There are people on the spectrum who are clearly gay, or clearly heterosexual, and then there is everyone in between, which includes being \"bisexual\" (which I guess in the spectrum would be smack in the middle?)It may be too early for you to identify as any one thing on that spectrum (as you say, \"but I don't really know\"), or maybe as you move through life you just won't identify as any one thing, and that's totally okay. The most important thing, in my professional opinion, is to accept yourself, fully, for whatever it is that you are. The second most important thing, in my professional opinion too, is to be honest with yourself and your partners about however you do identify your sexual orientation."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know what my sexual orientation is?", "questionText": "I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know.", "answerText": "Sexual orientation is not always something that is clearly definable. Some people look at it on a continuum where being attracted to only boys is at one end, only girls is at the other, and bisexual is in the middle. Anywhere in between those points can be any amount of attraction to boys or girls.If you don't know whether you are gay or bisexual, that is okay. A lot of people don't know for quite some time. In addition to that, after people do know who they are attracted to, a lot of times they do not use the terms \"gay\" or \"bisexual\" for quite a while.It's okay not to know.Think about what sorts of expectations you have for your ideal relationship. Some examples may include trust, respect, availability for conversation or connection, etc. Whatever it is that you find important in a relationship is likely what matters most.If you are struggling with learning what it is that you would like in a relationship or any other feelings connected with what you are thinking and feeling, I would suggest connecting with a local therapist so you have a place to talk about what you are experiencing."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife outed me to her sister", "questionText": "What should I do when we see each other?", "answerText": "I am so sorry this happened. Sharing a part of your private life without your permission can be so painful. I might suggest (depending on your relationship) reaching out to your sister and discussing this (or setting boundary that you don't want to discuss your private life). I might also speak with your wife and share how hurt you are and what you need to happen moving forward to begin to heal."}, {"questionTitle": "My wife outed me to her sister", "questionText": "What should I do when we see each other?", "answerText": "Echoing others here, I'm sorry, she shouldn't have. Hopefully, you will have a conversation (or, in reality, several conversations) about relationship expectations of privacy~ Are there things your wife would prefer you not share with her family? Without exploring what is or isn't okay through healthy dialog, it's entirely possible she felt her sister was 'in the circle' of people she could share this with. All that said, though ... now that you've been outed, you have an opportunity to be more authentically you: what will you do with it?"}, {"questionTitle": "My wife outed me to her sister", "questionText": "What should I do when we see each other?", "answerText": "I am so sorry that this happened. Nobody deserves to be outed without their permission. I would encourage you to get in touch with someone who is supportive and accepting and plan to touch base with them after you see your wife's sister. You can also plan to take some time for self care after you see her. For example, if you enjoy bike rides, plan on taking a bike ride afterward. Plan to do something that feels nurturing and caring. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "What does it mean that I feel like different genders?", "questionText": "I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.", "answerText": "Hi, as an affirming gender therapist I like to let people know that like sexuality, gender is a spectrum too. It's possible to look like a girl and feel more like a boy, just as it's possible to feel halfway between a boy and a girl, or anywhere else on a horizontal line with two points between it. Some people use different pronouns or words to express their gender and that's okay. It's up to you to find out what is most comfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "What does it mean that I feel like different genders?", "questionText": "I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.", "answerText": "If you're feeling like your gender is different than the gender you are born with, and there are many different terms to help describe that. Gender is actually looked at on a spectrum. Transgender is just one of those terms, but looking at the information here may help:http://www.transequality.org/about-transgender. I'm not saying that you should use the term transgender to describe yourself because that may not accurately describe what you are experiencing, but I'm just trying to point you to some more resources.As for what to say to someone who asks your gender, that becomes a question with a lot of different parts. This is probably something that would be best talked out with someone else who you trust. I don't know whether that is your family, friends, and mental health professional, and member of the clergy, or someone else. There are many different things than you could say and they are all related to how much you already to share with other people about how you feel regarding your gender.Generally, I would suggest it would be important to become comfortable with how you feel yourself and possibly tell some people whom you really trust first. Also consider that once you tell someone something, it's not possible to undo it, so if you tell someone, they may tell someone else. Then there is also the matter of people having very different reactions related to different genders and not everyone will be supportive. I hope that you are able to surround yourself with some people who are willing to understand and work through this with you so that you have some ideas how to react if you come across someone who does not understand.Please remember that there is always someone to talk with."}, {"questionTitle": "What does it mean that I feel like different genders?", "questionText": "I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.", "answerText": "I agree with Sherry, it is OK to give the answer that you feel most familiar with. The most important part is not who people think you are, but that you know who you are. Read about gender identity and fluidity. Discovering the answer is a process, don't rush it to comply with others either way. If you feel that this is a constant issue that keeps you awake and keeps you from enjoying your life, consider going to a therapist to discuss your feelings and concerns.Qu significaque yo me sienta como diferentes gneros?Nac comonia.Me veo como nio. A veces siento como una variacin diferente de gnero. No s qu decirle a otros cuando pregunta que soy. Me siento confuso y solo digo mi genero de nacimiento.Estoy de acuerdo con Sherry, est bien dar la respuesta que se sienta ms cmoda. La parte ms importante no es quien las otras personas piensen que eres, sino quien t piensas que eres. Lee sobre el tema de identidad de gnero y fluidez de gnero. Descubrir tu gnero puede ser un proceso, no lo apresures para complacer a otras personas. Si sientes que este tema te esta quitando el sueno y te impide disfrutar tu vida, habla con tu consejero sobre tus sentimientos y preocupaciones."}, {"questionTitle": "What does it mean that I feel like different genders?", "questionText": "I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.", "answerText": "It is ok to tell someone who is casually asking about your gender, what is written on your birth certificate.Measure the significance of your answer to the significance of the person who is asking you the question.In addition, you are stating the simple truth, so there's nothing wrong with stating what is on your birth certificate.Do you understand the reason of why people are asking about your gender?It is not a common question, so I wonder about the context in which this happens.The whole field of gender identity is extremely popular now.Popular usually means people are swept into a trend just because it is in the air, not because they've given the time and seriousness to thoughtfully consider if the trend has anything to do with them personally.Keep open minded to who you are, including if you are truly a different gender than the one you're born into.It is a very complicated question and lately people, especially teens, are answering it much more rapidly than seems possible to fully consider."}, {"questionTitle": "Im afraid that Im gay", "questionText": "I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. Ive never thought about men until a week ago. Im very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that Im not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.", "answerText": "Are you able to give yourself some peace of mind while you take the time to further address whether or not you are gay?Whether or not and to what degree a person accepts their sexuality, depends on dense factors such as the culture of your family, the beliefs about gay people with which you were brought up, and your own tolerance for being a unique individual.Examining these factors, whether inwardly by yourself, in online blogs and sites, or live with other people, requires patience and effort.The more you are willing to commit to figuring out your own truth, the greater is your chance of finding it!"}, {"questionTitle": "Im afraid that Im gay", "questionText": "I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. Ive never thought about men until a week ago. Im very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that Im not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.", "answerText": "Hello. Coming to terms with the idea that you might be of a sexuality other than the one in which you were socially raised to be, can be emotionally disturbing, and quite unsettling. It creates anxiety, maybe even panic, and leaves us feeling confused and uncertain about our own sense of identity. It becomes important to first ask yourself how you feel when you are thinking of being intimate with guys, or if you desire them to be intimate with you. It is important to know what impact this has on you, because it can determine your level of follow through and desire in pursuing sexual activity with someone of the same sex. I am not going to pass judgment on you either way - even for having the thoughts. I have worked with the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) community in various ways over the years. Many I speak to, say they had to struggle to come to terms with this awareness about how they see themselves sexually. Maybe you are bisexual, and don't have an exclusive attraction to the same sex. You might consider doing some searches online for community support groups in your area, to explore the feelings and issues around this topic. Talking to someone who you trust can be helpful too. Running from your feelings is not a good idea, and others in a support group for sexuality issues, might be able to relate to you and what you're going through right now. This will offer you perspective, as you think on how this plays out in your life.Counselors are typically well trained to provide clinical services to clients who are experiencing feelings and thoughts much like the ones you are having now. I encourage you to consider reaching out for help. You are not crazy or insane for thinking of working with a counselor, nor of having feelings of same sex attraction. If you decide you are indeed gay, then know that you are not alone and never will be alone in that feeling. There is a huge community of support for you. Additionally, we all need help sometimes dealing with all sort of issues. A counselor can work more in depth with you to examine the motivations behind the feelings, and help you come to terms with them more directly. I hope that you come to a place where you feel less alone and more secure with yourself as you examine this area of your life. No matter what, do not fear being yourself. Again...you are not alone, I promise.Warm regards,Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC"}, {"questionTitle": "Im afraid that Im gay", "questionText": "I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. Ive never thought about men until a week ago. Im very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that Im not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.", "answerText": "Hi Brookfield, It can be unsettling when we feel something as fundamental as our sexual orientation shifting. I like that you're honest enough with yourself to say \"I'm struggling with this\". To accept that there is a question is a brave place to be. And...it doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.Unfortunately, we live in a culture that wants to put people in slots...male or female, straight or gay...we tend to not like those grey areas so much as a culture. The truth is that, if we grew up in a society where there wasn't this categorization...if we felt free to explore and grow sexually, we might be surprised at who we are attracted to. You don't have to put yourself in a slot. Our sexual preferences are more fluid than we think, and it can change over time.We also live in a culture where there is prejudice against homosexuality or \"differentness\" in general. The wish to not be gay can be powerful. Many people who are gay spend years believing they were heteroxual...fighting against, repressing or ignoring their gay thoughts. This is needless pain. If you are gay, there is no shame in that and you can still have a glorious life filled with love and passion.Having said all that...just because you have thoughts about men or get turned on by gay porm doesn't mean you're gay. Many heterosexual people have thoughts and fantasies about the same sex; it's arousing because it's naughty...we're curious about the forbidden, or we're just curious. Becoming aroused by gay porn is normal for many heterosexual men.Sexual orientation isn't just about sex either. A different gauge of who you are sexually can be found in your emotions towards men or women. Are you drawn into emotional connections with men more than women? Who do you feel the urge to explore and be close to?Exploring your sexuality through being open to different experiences can help too. How does it feel to kiss a man, to touch a man, as compared with a woman...sometimes this feels like such a big and forbidden step that it's a barrier to discovering ourselves. We don't want to open that door.I wish you well as you do exactly what you are supposed to be doing...exploring and discovering yourself. It's an exciting journey and you might want to find a trusted person to talk more about this with."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm going through dysphoria", "questionText": "I have always wanted to have a transition from male to female for some time now. This issue has persisted for 10 years already but I don't know where to start. I do not have the soundest information either.", "answerText": "Wonderful! I am so excited for you. What a huge decision. I am writing from Toronto Canada so it is hard for me to direct you specifically. I would start with two things 1) Find a doctor that is comfortable perscribing hormones and 2) find a Counsellor or Therapist that is transgender specialized. They will know how transitioning works in your health care system and other supports as well. Google is a wonderful way to find these resources. I wish you well. Thanks for writing!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm transgender. I want help and I need help", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It's courageous to seek help, and I applaud you. Here is a great guide from Forge Forward:https://forge-forward.org/wp-content/docs/Lets-Talk-Therapist-Guide.pdf. It is about seeking help through therapy; however, they also have a listing of trans support groups throughout the US, which you can find here:http://forge-forward.org/directories/listing/. I would start by connecting with a local organization that can guide you to support groups, and trans-affirming counselors. You are not alone. There are people out there willing and able to help."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm transgender. I want help and I need help", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Where do you live? Can you see a therapist? This would be my recommendation. Exploring these feelings would likely help you feel more comfort and have a safe place to talk."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm transgender. I want help and I need help", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hi. I would find a counsellor to talk to. Google to find a transgender specialized counsellor in your area. They can help you make good decisions and feel good about who you are. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm starting to believe that I'm gay", "questionText": "In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldnt believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now Im actually starting to believe them. I know I wasnt back then, and now Im not sure anymore.", "answerText": "I agree with Amy. We get a lot of pressure from others and even ourselves to define who we are and what we wantat a pretty early age. The truth is, our sexuality canchange and grow in directions we never imagined. I may be wrong, but I am getting the impression that you may not want to be gay. That this is something you didn't like others suggesting and now you are uncomfortable with the idea that it may be true. Thiswould certainly beunderstandable. Your sexuality is YOURS and yours alone. It can be quite frustrating and hurful when others try to define who you are. And it can be equally frustrating when you are trying to figure it out for yourself. The truth is that there are many different possibilities when it comes to sexual orientation. It may help to think about what qualities you find attractive. What kind of person can you see yourself being attracted to? Someone smart? Funny? Loves dogs? If you look for these qualities in a person they may lead you to being attracted to someone of the same sex, but maybe not. At least you would be choosing someone based on values and qualities that you love and admire. Another idea is to chat with a counselor, if you are interested. Preferrably one who has done some training in affirmative therapy. Be well and be you..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm starting to believe that I'm gay", "questionText": "In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldnt believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now Im actually starting to believe them. I know I wasnt back then, and now Im not sure anymore.", "answerText": "Use this time to explore who you are...imagine what your life would be like if you were gay and not, ask yourself what is different? What scenario do you find yourself gravitating to? What is important is that you are happy. My message to you is that you do not need to define yourself with your sexual preference or feel the need to label yourself, especially if you are confused and exploring what your sexual preference is."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I'm transgender?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Transgender means that you feel as though the gender that you are is different than the gender that were born with. So, for example, if you are genetically and biologically female, but you feel as though you are a male, that would be the initial concept of considering whether or not you are transgender. Just in the effort to be clear, the same idea applies if you are genetically and biologically male and feel as though you're female.This goes beyond people who enjoy dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender, although people who are transgender will sometimes do this as well. Being transgender is not about dressing up as the opposite gender, but rather feeling as though they actually are the opposite gender and are basically in the wrong body compared to how they feel on the inside.Find more information here:http://www.transequality.org/about-transgender"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I'm transgender?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that I am a cisgender therapist, and so I cannot speak to the personal experience of realizing that I am transgender. What I can do is tell you some of the things that transgender people have told me, and information that I have read. Perhaps a transgender therapist will also have the opportunity to answer your question. From the experiences that I have read and heard, the realization process went from either \"knowing\" right away to looking more like a journey. I have personal friends who are currently working through how to identify their gender, and they are well into adulthood. One person explained thatthe term'transgender' didn't feel right for them in terms of how they felt, and believed that perhaps they are genderfluid. This means that there is no rush to figure it out, and many different ways to identify. There are therapists trained in the Affirmative Therapy model who may begood, supportive helpers that can assist you as you continue to look for answers. Ultimately, I think the answer comes from within you. But, that doesn't mean that you can't get help to figure it all out. Here is a blog written by a trans male that I know. Sam is a popular writer and discusses transgender issues, life issues, and mental health. You are very likely to find some good information in his posts. https://letsqueerthingsup.com/Be well... be you.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Am I gay if I like neither girls nor guys?", "questionText": "I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?", "answerText": "It doesn't sound like you are finding yourself attracted to anyone. It could mean that you just haven't connected with anyone you find attractive, or that you are asexual - essentially not oriented toward anyone. I would suggest doing some reading on asexuality and see if it connects to how you feel!"}, {"questionTitle": "Am I gay if I like neither girls nor guys?", "questionText": "I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?", "answerText": "Hi, and thanks for your question. I agree with my colleagues about researching asexuality, but I want too add a couple of things about that:Here is a website that you can start with to get some information about asexuality - http://www.asexuality.org/home/There are a whole lot of myths surrounding asexuality. One is that people who are asexual have absolutely no interest in sex, and that is not always the case. There are variations of asexuality. Some people who are asexual have an interest in sex and others don't. Also, once you read more on this topic, you may find that you don't connect with asexuality either, and that is okay. Our society usually thinks of sexual orientationsasonly being straight,gay, lesbian, or bisexual, but the truth is there are many variations of sexual orientations. Keep exploring. There is a good chance that there is a community of people who feel like you do. Finally, labels are important for a lot of things, but labeling ourselves can sometimes lead to some painful feelings. Try not to feel pressured to label yourself too quickly. This is your journey. Your experience. Take all the time you need.You may never feel the need to labelhow you feel, and that is okay, too. Hope this helps. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Am I gay if I like neither girls nor guys?", "questionText": "I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?", "answerText": "No, it does not necessarily. Your sexual preference is based on who you ARE attracted to, not what does not turn you on. If you find you have no sex drive at all, this is called asexual. But you did not mention what you do find arrousing either. Hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?", "questionText": "I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi. It can be difficult to handle such a transition on your own. I work with clients to understand their needs and wants. This can involve how to communicate effectively with friends, family, and other loved ones; or, learning how to have self-acceptance. I strongly recommend speaking with a licensed clinician one on one to help facilitate the change you are looking for."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?", "questionText": "I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to considersuicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's freeat877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question.Be well....be YOU.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I deal with gender dysphoria in a positive way?", "questionText": "I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?", "answerText": "Hi! I am so glad you're reaching out! Sounds like you have some solid support in some areas of your life but are still dealing with some difficult dysphoria. I think it can depend on what kind of dysphoria you have - sometimes it's physical, social or mental. Sometimes physical dysphoria means less time around mirrors or plans to make showering less stressful (music, audio books, distraction). Sometimes online support networks can be a great source of ideas in this way (for social and mental dysphoria as well). Some of my clients do things that help them feel better in their bodies that don't require anyone to know (hair removal, binders, packing, hormones,) and other things. I recommend stopping by a website called Conversations with a Gender Therapist. There are some awesome videos there that might help you! I hope this helps some! Don't forget to try to connect with other trans folks (even online) - it can be a great relief to know you're not alone in how you're feeling! Best of luck!!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I know what my sexual orientation is?", "questionText": "I have been noticing myself really enjoying watching/reading about gay or lesbian couples. I've also been imagining what it might be like to date a girl, and I like the idea. I also find guys cute too. Does this make me bisexual?", "answerText": "Hello! Thank you for your question. Exploring your sexual orientation and attraction is a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself! I would be curious to know what feelings you might have related to the possibility of being bi; What messages you may have received related to this orientation and any concerns you have about possible sexual orientations."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I want to be the opposite sex so much?", "questionText": "I got sick really bad and was throwing up for three days and nights. I thought I was going to die. Then about a week later, I started having this desire to be female. I never had this desire before. All I can think about is being a woman. I don't get pleasure from my penis anymore either. Women are attractive, but not like before. I can also find men attractive now. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for reaching out to ask for help. Surely this is a very confusing time for you! If you have never had these feelings and desires it could certainty shake everything you thought you knew about yourself. My guess is that you becoming sick around the time that this started is likely a coincidence, but I understand how you would make the connection. I have a feeling that a few things may be going on here. It is really hard to say since I dont know you, how old you are, etc. But, I will share you with you some thoughts. Some people, when they have undesirable thoughts that really surprise them, have a really tough time getting rid of them. Our reaction to the thought can be very strong and our tendency to try to block it out, stuff it, avoid it, etc. is not always successful. In fact, its usually not. Its like telling you not to think of pink elephants. I would be willing to bet that you thought of a pink elephant just now. So, rather than fighting thoughts that you find confusing, sometimes it is helpful to allow yourself to explore the thought with curiosity and without judgement. Where is this thought coming from? What are my feelings about it? Asking yourself these questions may help you come to a resolution about what is going on. One possibility is that you have developed an anxiety about your thoughts and now you are in the process of obsessing about them, but another possibility is that you are legitimately exploring your sexuality and gender. I get the feeling from your question that you do not want to believe that it is second possibility. And that is okay. You can try some of my suggestions, but you can also see a counselor who may be able to help you work through your confusion. I would suggest someone who has experience working with sexuality issues. You can usually find out what a counselor works with on their website. What is important is that you find someone who is non-judgmental about what you are experiencing. I wish you well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm questioning my sexuality", "questionText": "I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.", "answerText": "Being open minded about the type of sexual connection which feels true and real, is a solid starting point.Having questions is a very valuable way of more clearly defining your sexuality.Write one or two of your questions if you'd like a more specific focus to your general search about your sexual preference."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm questioning my sexuality", "questionText": "I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.", "answerText": "Hi Brentwood, While our society tends to want to put us into categories...slots...when it comes to sexuality, because this is nice and neat and convenient...many people find that they don't fit perfectly into one or the other. All you have to do is exactly what you're doing; be aware of yourself and allow yourself to explore these thoughts and emotions both alone and in connection with a safe partner. The people who love you will continue to love you as you sort through this. You can resist the temptation to please others by giving yourself a label. We are attracted to, and fall in love with, people...and we can't always predict what gender they might be. I love how open you are to discovering yourself. Keep on that track. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "I think I can become a transgender, but how can I be sure?", "questionText": "I've recently thought that i could be transgender but I've never had the mind of a girl.", "answerText": "Hello Frostproof,Thinking about becoming transgender and being transgender are slightly different. This is a topic that is best discussed with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues. From what you have written it sounds as if you still have some confusion as to where you fit in with the \"labeling system\". While labels provide a means to quickly identify and classify, they can also feel restrictive or confining. Instead of focusing on fitting into a specific classification, explore who you are as a person and celebrate your positive qualities and those things that make you uniquely you! There are many options for you to find a therapist and e-therapy is also an option. You can try Breakthrough an online service. Here is some reading for refection that you may find helpful. Yin Yang Woman Man http://dld.bz/ejVK2 What does it mean to be a woman or a man?"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I determine if I should be a boy or girl?", "questionText": "I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.", "answerText": "I understand that gender and/or sexual identity crises can be very difficult to navigate, although in todays time I think we have made a lot of progress and it is becoming easier for individuals to find themselves and also find acceptance from society.I am unsure how old you are. If you are a child or teenager, this is a normal time to have identity questions and to be in a phase where you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. I hope that you have understanding and supportive friends and family that you can talk to and who will support you in how you feel and what you may decide to do. A lot of people, unfortunately, do not, and if this is the case then it makes it harder for you. Because then you may not feel safe exploring these feelings and decisions.I urge you not to try to make any permanent changes for quite some time. By this I mean a sex change. Anything permanent like surgery or hormone replacement to change your actual gender is something that does not need to be done lightly. Please find a therapist that can help you explore your feelings and your identity crisis. Of course there are things that you can do that are not permanent changes. Many people decide to dress like their gender of choice. Maybe experimenting in this way is something that you could do.See if you have a local chapter of PFLAG in your area. PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They are able to help not only with those who identify as lesbian or gay, but also transgendered and asexual.I wish you all the best in your identity crisis. It would be very easy for you to sink into depression if you do not have good support and understanding from those around you during this time. Find a professional that can help, especially if you experience depression or any thoughts of harming yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I determine if I should be a boy or girl?", "questionText": "I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.", "answerText": "Gender is personal thing. There is not just boy and girl. It is ok to be a boy and feel feminine and date women. It is also ok to be a transgendered women and date women. Have fun with it and feel it out. What is right for you?"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I cure myself of being a transvestite?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hello. I do not that thnk this is something that needs to be cured. If it a part of who you are, I feel that is great. if you simply enjoy wearing the clothes I would work on self acceptance. Take care."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I go about asking my ex-girlfriend to expose me to her friends so I can come out finally?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I am a bit confused? Are your ex-girlfriend's friends gay? I feel the need for a bit more information."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get \"out of my head\" and stop obsessive thoughts?", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "Scary thoughts can feel overwhelming at times as well as feeling quite real. I want to acknowledge how scary they can feel, but there is hope and new skills you can learn to work with these types of thoughts. The first step in working with scary or negative thoughts is to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and we can choose to follow the scary thought streams or work with cutting them off or ignoring them. I also realize that might seem really hard to do, but here's a good way to think about the brain and how thought patterns work. Thoughts arise in the mind all the time, our brain is a thought machine. Many thoughts drift by like clouds and we don't pay any attention while other thoughts arise and they trigger us in a particulate way, i.e., scary, angry, happy, sad, and when those thoughts arise we can chose to pay more attention to the thought which can lead us down that particulate thought stream that will lead to fear and anxiety. So, how do we work or stop those scary thought streams? One new skill to implement comes from the work of Rick Hansen, he wrote the book Buddha's Brain,\" he teaches that we need to give more energy and attention to the positive thoughts or positive memories we hold in our mind and pay less attention to the negative thoughts. Hansen asks us to imagine the brain this way, the brain is like Velcro with negative thoughts and like teflon when it comes to positive thoughts. There are reasons that our brain works this way, but I don't have time to go into all of that in this response. So, it's just important to remember we have to work at positive thinking, actually pausing throughout the day to focus on positive feelings and memories, this will help the mind reinforce positive thought streams and help reduce negative thought streams over time. If a scary thought arises try to replace it with a happy experience for at least a couple of moments, and see if that helps reduce the negative charge connected with that scary thought."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get \"out of my head\" and stop obsessive thoughts?", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "You are valid. It is very unnerving when thoughts control your life. One way to combat them is to figure out whose voice the words are said in. Oftentimes people say things to us and it stays with us, and it is not often true. We let others opinions penetrate our brains and live rent-free in our heads. You could try to rewrite the thoughts, the negative thoughts, rewrite them in a positive way. For example you are not worth anything you could rewrite that in a way that shows all the ways you are worthy. Write all your accomplishments, and things you have overcome and proof that you are in fact worthy because you are! You can Interrupt the thought, focus, redirect elsewhere. If you are replaying a specific moment you could go back into that moment and retell the moment, rewrite the moment so that it is what you would rather it have been. Your mind does not know anything other than what we feed it. Feed and integrate more positive thoughts and actions into your routine to possibly see a positive change, a change for the better! This video could be beneficial for you Negotiating With Inner Critic"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get \"out of my head\" and stop obsessive thoughts?", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "When my clients say they are having a similar experience I teach them two main coping skills. The first is to simply say, out loud, STOP! The reasoning behind this is that we cannot talk and have an audible thought at the same time. This will only work in the short term and the rebound thoughts from this can be just as bad or overwhelming so I also teach to couple this with the STOPP Technique.The STOPP technique is:Stopwhat youre doingTakea step back to calm and gather yourself. This can be done with Box Breathing where you inhale for a count of 4, hold the breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and hold for a count of 4. Repeat this for at least 5 sets.ObserveTHOUGHTS: What thoughts am I having? Whats going through my mind? What am I saying to myself?BODY SENSATIONS: What physical sensations am I experiencing? Where in my body am I experiencing them?FEELINGS: What feelings or emotions am I experiencing?BEHAVIOUR: What am I doing? How am I acting? What do I want to doPlan: Whats the best/most important thing for me to do right now?Proceedto act mindfully, taking whatever action youve planned.Then to see if there are any underlying issues causing the thoughts, I would make an appointment to see a therapist in your area."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get \"out of my head\" and stop obsessive thoughts?", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "There are some great thoughts offered by others here.I would just add that typically the most natural response to fearful thoughts is to want to stop, avoid, or get rid of them - which doesn't work if you're really caught up in a cycle of OCD or other form of anxiety.In the long run, the more effective thing to do is the harder and less intuitive option: to have those uncomfortable thoughts on purpose.This may mean writing out in detail what the worst case fear you are thinking of is, and then reading it over and over again until it becomes boring. It may also mean pausing through the course of the day to merely observe all the thoughts going on, and realizing that thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not the same as reality, and the unpleasant ones can become a lot less scary when we realize we can coexist with them without them coming true."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get \"out of my head\" and stop obsessive thoughts?", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "Such a great question! I'm so sorry you are struggling! You may be experiencing Intrusive thoughts. These are thoughts that seem to come from no where and victimize us. I can strongly recommend a book called \"When Panic Attacks\" by Dr. David Burns. It helps you to identify the thoughts, and the help you create ways to counteract them! There is another technique, called Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping can be as simple as saying \"Stop!\" loudly (if you are alone) or in your head, if you are in public. It's a quick way to distract you from the distressing thought, and allow you to refocus. I recommend using this technique, followed by some deep breathing, while visualizing something that helps you feel relaxed (a favorite place, a pet, etc.). These three things in conjunction can be of great assistance.One key component in addressing anxious thinking is building the skill of relaxation. I recommend an App called Headspace which teaches relaxation through some simple guided mediation. Super easy to do, and a great way to begin to build relaxation skills. Plenty of sleep and reducing caffeine intake can also be things to explore. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get \"out of my head\" and stop obsessive thoughts?", "questionText": "Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?", "answerText": "I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind.None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming.What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability.Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life.Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them. When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution. Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable.I hope this helps you at least a little bit!"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about instant and major mood swings?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Be aware of the circumstances surrounding the mood swings.This will help you discover clues as to your sensitivities, whether these are specific interactions, specific people in your life, specific situations which activate the mood swings.The more you understand what creates the mood swings, the better equipped you will be to handle any emotions which result from them."}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about instant and major mood swings?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Mood swings can be related to many different things. I don't know whether you're talking about changes between feeling angry and depressed or any number of other things. Sometimes major and sudden mood swings can be related to chemicals in our body that are changing rapidly.Try keeping track of your mood swings on a daily basis for a week or so. It would also be helpful to note how well you sleep during the same timeframe. Also be aware of anything you know of that is contributing to your changes in mood.Because you used the words \"instant\" and \"major,\" it would be helpful to discuss this with a mental health professional or your primary care physician so you can have some more specific ideas."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be happier and healthier?", "questionText": "I've tried working out and eating fruits and vegetables, but I always seem to eat the junk in the house.", "answerText": "Maybe you need more motivation to avoid eating the junk in your house.Also, if you are the only person in your household who eats healthy, eating differently from everyone else may seem less fun.Try creating your own world of a healthy culture through social media because this may give you a sense of not being alone in your effort in healthy living."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be happier and healthier?", "questionText": "I've tried working out and eating fruits and vegetables, but I always seem to eat the junk in the house.", "answerText": "I know some people do better when they don't have as much junk food in the house. This is not as tempting then. Having said that, maybe you can reward yourself with different things, such as having dessert on certain days. If you are concerned about mostly eating habits, consider seeing a nutritionist. They can help you find the balance between what it is that you really want and your goals. I'm not sure how this links to happiness for you, but hopefully looking at your choices can lead you toward your goal of being healthier."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it weird or dangerous to give myself advice through an imaginary friend?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I created a sort of imaginary friend to help me cope with stressful situations or if I'm worried or upset. She \"gives me advice\" and comforts me and tells me it'll be okay. I've given her a name (Solace) and created a personality for her that's like a comforting motherly figure. I know it's just my own advice and my own thoughts, but it's just that I'm thinking of them through a voice other than my own. I do this because I know I never really listen to my own advice, and I thought it would be better if it was through someone else who knew my thought process in and out, through this imaginary friend. Is this normal? Could it develop into a separate personality with time if I continue a mentality that she is her own person?", "answerText": "From your detailed awareness of how you developed and are utilizing Solace, unless you face some unexpected and altering physical incident to your brain, such as physical head trauma, drug induced brain change, other medical condition which affects your brain, you show a strong knowledge that she is imaginary and not a person.The predicted outcome of what you wrote is to continue the self-reflective conversations you have with your invented friend, Solace."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it weird or dangerous to give myself advice through an imaginary friend?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I created a sort of imaginary friend to help me cope with stressful situations or if I'm worried or upset. She \"gives me advice\" and comforts me and tells me it'll be okay. I've given her a name (Solace) and created a personality for her that's like a comforting motherly figure. I know it's just my own advice and my own thoughts, but it's just that I'm thinking of them through a voice other than my own. I do this because I know I never really listen to my own advice, and I thought it would be better if it was through someone else who knew my thought process in and out, through this imaginary friend. Is this normal? Could it develop into a separate personality with time if I continue a mentality that she is her own person?", "answerText": "Hi, I'm Amelia! You know, it does sounds like you have imagined a motherly comfort figure for yourself. Sometimes, when I have a person in my office that is very self-critical, I have him/her speak to his or herself as though he/she were speaking to a loved one. Isn't it sad that we speak to others more lovingly than we do ourselves?If you have not received empathy, nurturing, or comfort from a caregiver, it is hard to internalize empathy, nurture or comfort from the inside. There is a saying that \"We have been hurt in relationships and we can heal in relationships.\" Healing and growth are best provided in the context of healthy relationship.How about going the next step and finding a compassionate therapist or loving mentor that could actually provide you with the comfort that you need. You deserve to be seen, heard, noticed, and valued. I am wishing my very best to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it weird or dangerous to give myself advice through an imaginary friend?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager, and I created a sort of imaginary friend to help me cope with stressful situations or if I'm worried or upset. She \"gives me advice\" and comforts me and tells me it'll be okay. I've given her a name (Solace) and created a personality for her that's like a comforting motherly figure. I know it's just my own advice and my own thoughts, but it's just that I'm thinking of them through a voice other than my own. I do this because I know I never really listen to my own advice, and I thought it would be better if it was through someone else who knew my thought process in and out, through this imaginary friend. Is this normal? Could it develop into a separate personality with time if I continue a mentality that she is her own person?", "answerText": "Since you are saying that you know that the thoughts are yours and your thinking of them in a different person's voice to make them easier for you to follow through on, it doesn't sound like it could develop into another personality.It may be helpful to also find other things that give you comfort and to practice telling yourself that it will be okay in your own voice. If you start to do that slowly, it may be more comfortable for you. If you're following following through with your own advice, it sounds like some part of you knows that you are making choices that you agree with.What else gives you comfort? Maybe there's a room that you like to be in when you are home or a certain outfit or color that makes you feel good. Focusing on these things may also be comforting to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if my daughter has bipolar disorder?", "questionText": "My daughter basically freaked out out of nowhere over me saying calm down when she dropped her phone. Within seconds, the situation escalated to her kicking me out on the curb, saying horrifically unspeakable things, and her calling the cops on me. She seems unable to stop herself at times.", "answerText": "Bipolar disorder has a lot of different components. If this is a one-time event, it could be that your daughter had an intense moment of anger and the phrase of asking her to \"calm down\" may have made her feel as though you weren't understanding what she was saying. Bipolar disorder also includes feelings of depression. When this is coupled with intense anger and acting or speaking without thinking, these can be part of bipolar disorder, but that wouldn't be the whole picture of what bipolar disorder would look like. It may be helpful to track differences that you notice in your daughter's mood and any patterns related to the times of day or what seems to lead her to be upset. Patterns are very helpful in figuring out what is happening."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if my daughter has bipolar disorder?", "questionText": "My daughter basically freaked out out of nowhere over me saying calm down when she dropped her phone. Within seconds, the situation escalated to her kicking me out on the curb, saying horrifically unspeakable things, and her calling the cops on me. She seems unable to stop herself at times.", "answerText": "This is not necessarily bipolar disorder.Based on the little information you wrote here, the behavior sounds more borderline personality disorder than bipolar.Maybe she simply is angry and impulsive as to how she expresses her anger.During calmer times, are you and your daughter able to talk about incidents such as the one you describe above?And do each of you practice new ways to get along as a result of these conversations?If someone makes good use of the material discussed on relationship improvement, and there is progress in getting along, then unlikely she has a mental illness.How you know for sure if she has bipolar disorder is to read a list of the symptoms online and consider whether she behaves in a way similar to the symptom description list.Definitely it is helpful to know the underlying cause of your daughter's behavior. This way you can best prepare yourself for what to most likely expect from her."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I have dramatic mood swings?", "questionText": "One moment, I'm happy, and then a tiny thing happens and I feel so hurt and awful that I can't handle anything. I cry and cry, then next morning, I'm happy. I'm so confused.", "answerText": "Probably there are deeper, more delicate topics beneath the surface.If people don't address their pain, despair, shame, fears, and instead store them up, eventually the pile up leads to the situation you describe.Give yourself the time to reflect on who you are, your priorities, values, people who may have injured your feelings in the past.The greater your self-understanding becomes, the less likely some small, insignificant matter has the chance to topple the house of cards."}, {"questionTitle": "Do narcissists get healed by rationalizing?", "questionText": "I read that you should ignore them and they have to come to a conclusion that they were wrong on their own terms. Is that correct?", "answerText": "I doubt that they believe they are wrong as individuals withNarcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) have the belief that they are special and they seek admiration from others. They are also grandiose with a sense of entitlement. As they are also arrogant, it is doubtful they would feel wrong or admit to being wrong.As far as healing, I believe it could be hard won. Personality disorders are difficult to treat, However, there are some approaches that might yield better outcomes than others.I have never heard of ignoring them as a way to deal with a narcissist. Researcher and psychologistBessel Van der Kolk recommended that using a person-centered approach in which unconditional positive regard is upheld can be helpful in the treatment of NPD as far therapeutic approaches are concerned.Approaches in which the individuals feels validated by their therapist usually works best with this population,if they agreed to participate in therapy. The nature of the disorder makes it tough for them to even be in therapy as it would be hard for them to admit they have psychological problems. They might also be distrustful of the therapist questioning their intentions and interpretations about them.They tend to behave this way with most of the people in their lives."}, {"questionTitle": "Do narcissists get healed by rationalizing?", "questionText": "I read that you should ignore them and they have to come to a conclusion that they were wrong on their own terms. Is that correct?", "answerText": "It is not correct because someone who is narcissistic believes they are always right.If you ignore the person, then their thinking is that there is something wrong with you.Ignoring the person to the degree this is possible in the situation or relationship, will spare you to be misunderstood further."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my OCD and anxiety?", "questionText": "I suffer from checking and cleaning OCD. Can counseling help me to get over it?", "answerText": "Absolutely! Exposure techniques in counseling have shown to be extremely effective for working through compulsions.First thing I would say is to make sure you feel a good connection with your counselor and you feel it's a good fit. It's hard to get through that anxiety already, but having a counselor that feels right for you will help to buffer that a bit and help guide you through the exposures.Not sure what kind of access you have in your area, but some counselors that specialize in exposure therapy will actually come to you to support you through an exposure.It's very treatable so just take it a step at a time and hang in there!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my OCD and anxiety?", "questionText": "I suffer from checking and cleaning OCD. Can counseling help me to get over it?", "answerText": "Counseling can be very effective for OCD. In particularly, a kind of therapy called Exposure Response (Ritual) Prevention Therapy is considered the 'gold standard' for the treatment of OCD. What this is, is a specific protocol that helps you build relaxation strategies and to increase the amount of time between your checking/cleaning rituals while also helping you to face any of the fears that OCD given you until those rituals and fears are no longer interfering with your life. Research has shown that this kind of therapy may even be more effective for OCD than medication,https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.ajp.162.1.151"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get over my OCD and anxiety?", "questionText": "I suffer from checking and cleaning OCD. Can counseling help me to get over it?", "answerText": "Possibly yes, and definitely worth a try.First read about different types of therapy for OCD so that you find a therapist who does the type of therapy which feels best when you read about it."}, {"questionTitle": "What is a psychopath's thought process?", "questionText": "I realized my boyfriend of seven years is a psychopath, and I want to understand how he thinks.", "answerText": "Good question!I have only a guess to it.Psychopaths feel no empathy and all the emotions which are based on caring about someone else.This means they feel no guilt, no joy, no drive to connect w others.Itd be unusual if your bf is really a psychopath bc if he was then hed be using and abusing you, trying to control you for his benefit.Unless you actually do suffer in these ways then to consider him a psychopath may be exaggerated."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I concentrate?", "questionText": "I can't understand what I pay attention to.", "answerText": "One way to concentrate is that if your mind starts to wonder then remind yourself to bring your attention back.Start with short time spans of expecting yourself to concentrate. You'll more likely succeed with concentrating with small time spans than longer ones.Once you start seeing your success, this will motivate you to try increasing the length to expect yourself to concentrate.The task of self-reminding is the same, whether for long or short time periods.Also, before starting this exercise ask your medical doctor if the problem can be related to a physical health problem.If there is, then have the possibility ruled out that your difficulty concentrating comes from the mental ability to concentrate, and not some medical reason preventing this.Before someone can engage their psychological will there must be a clean medical body and mind with which to work."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "I've talked to many teens who frequently sneak out. The question I always ask them is, \"What are you getting from sneaking out that you aren't getting at home?\" Many teens answer they are hooking up, using substances, and engaging in other risky behaviors. As uncomfortable as it might be, I encourage you to talk with your parents or guardians about the reasons why you are sneaking out. What are you getting \"out there\" that you aren't getting at home? A good family counselor can help sort through those issues. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "When you say you've \"been caught\", I am assuming that means your parents know you've been sneaking out. If that's the case, could you ask for their help? Sometimes just knowing someone else is holding you accountable really makes a difference. That could be as simple as Dad checking in on you at, say, 2 am, just to make sure you are where you are supposed to be.If you are sneaking out to hang out with friends, find another way to connect with them - if they are truly friends they will want to support you in your resolution to stay put at night. Maybe you can ask for their support by telling them to stop including you in late night plans.There is likely a reason you were sneaking out, but there's a reason you want to stop too - so get support. No one changes hard habits on their own!Best of luck to you - you can do this and it will help you change other things in the future."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "Hi,When we can't stop doing things that we know are wrong, it can help to take a closer look at how we make our decisions. Usually we are getting something good out of these bad behaviors, such as feeling excited or taking our minds off of bad things. It is really hard to change these things without helping us get the good effect in a more healthy way. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "Hi...let's start with what's causing you to sneak out of the house?Understanding the motivation behind your actions (in this case...your sneaking out at night) can often times help you create the change you want. Are you arguing with your parents? Do you feel misunderstood? Alone? Scared? Stressed out? What are you doing once you leave the house? Where are you going? Are people in your home in conflict? Do you feel safer when you leave? Most importantly, reflect on what may be behind the reason for your wanting to leave the house and feeling not in control of your actions? Talk to someone about what's going on, because maybe that person could help you create the movement you are seeking."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "This is not totally unusual behavior, but the fact that you would like to stop and cannot seem to be able to points to something deeper. That cannot be unpacked online, but I'm glad that you're in this space and asking this question. Try to find a therapist who seems like a good fit and begin to get to work on this issue and what all is going on for you. You're not alone!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop sneaking away from home at night?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?", "answerText": "Where do you go and what is your reason to go wherever this is?Try to understand these reasons because the answers may give you good guidance as to other ways to get what it is your trying to reach by sneaking from your home at night.If for example, you're sneaking out because your parents are arguing and you feel hurt by this and want to escape hearing their arguments, then you can come up with other ways to hear less of their arguments.If you sneak out bc your parents restrict your friends or time to socialize with your friends, and your friends are doing legal and safe behaviors, then maybe you could do some socializing online w them.Also, I wonder the reason why either of your parents isn't aware that you leave the house. Do you feel your parent would offer and would you ask your parent to give their suggestions so you feel more motivated to stay home?"}, {"questionTitle": "What's going on with these mood swings?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. Can you explain what's going on?", "answerText": "Mood swings and getting frustrated when things don't work out is totally normal. Sometimes, we get tied to one thing we really want to do and it can feel pretty intense when that gets interrupted or doesn't work out. This said, you're coming to CounselChat and so I'm guessing this is something that is pretty intense for you and something that you are concerned about. If this is getting in the way of your life, it may be worthwhile to reach out to a therapist or doctor to get some help with this and see if there might be something more going on. While for most people frustration/mood swings is related to typical life and stress, if very intense it can be a sign of a number of challenges ranging from anxiety to a traumatic experience to something like Bipolar Disorder where a person's mood and energy might fly so high (mania) that one feels like they can do anything but often become frustrated when interrupted (note: there is a lot more to Bipolar Disorder than this and this is certainly not a diagnosis). Wish you well!"}, {"questionTitle": "What's going on with these mood swings?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. Can you explain what's going on?", "answerText": "Why do you blame other people who had nothing to do with your actions?If it is because after the fact you wish you had accepted their help, then the person who is responsible for this is you!Since you are aware of your tendencies and how the interfere with your life, try to become aware of when you do these habits.This way you can interrupt your own patterns a little bit at a time."}, {"questionTitle": "What's going on with these mood swings?", "questionText": "I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. Can you explain what's going on?", "answerText": "Teenagers are prone to mood swings due to developmental and hormonal changes that are rapidly and intensely occurring in your body and mind - so some of this happens to many people in your stage of development. You are not at all alone.You've taken the first and very important step in regulating your moods by just identifying that you are having these intense changes instead of being completely submerged in them and unaware! The more you are able to be a witness to your emotions and thoughts, the more you can learn to manage them. Your question offers several clues for strategies that you can try - for example, identify the warning signs for becoming irritated and plan a response, such as taking a deep breath, informing the person you are becoming irritated and need some space, or find a distraction temporarily like listening to music or going for a walk. Since you are aware of blaming others for things not working out, you can proactively make a personal commitment to taking ownership or personal responsibility by just thinking about it and practicing thoughts such as \"I am responsible for my efforts\" and \"Blame is not helpful for anyone\" and other thoughts that you believe and can repeat related to this insight. When you practice thinking more rational, healthy thoughts, you are actually rewiring your brain, so practice is key!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the dreams and voices go away?", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "Hearing voices can be a very upsetting experience to have. I want you to know that a lot of people will hear a voice at some point in their lives and that there are many things that cause voices. Oftentimes, significant stress can offset us to have symptoms like this. There also mental and physical health conditions that can do the same. I strongly encourage you to seek out help from both a doctor and a counselor to help you piece together exactly what is causing your voices. I Once you've got that down, you'll know what to work on. In the meantime, here are some strategies to cope with voices1. Lower your stress levels: Oftentimes stress makes voices worse. What can you do to lower your stress?2. Get enough Sleep: Like stress, sleep deprivation is an awful trigger for hearing voices3. Listen to Music; Music can help you focus on another sound4. Wear headphone or Earplugs5. Use Your Own Voice; If the voices are saying harsh things to you, it can be tempting to talk back and that's okay if you do. However, you cn also use your own voice through singing, whistling, or the like, which can help drown out the voices6. Remind Yourself that What the Voices Say is Not True; Sometimes it Helps to Write it Out7. Draw the Voice or Give it a Name; This can make it less scary and help get it outside of you8. Keep Track of When You Hear Voices to Identify Triggers; These are situations you can avoid while these are so distressful for you9. Be Kind to Yourself; When a Voice is Being Cruel to You it is especially important to be kind to yourself10. Remember that while hearing voices can be disturbing that it is a common experience and something that many people recover from."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the dreams and voices go away?", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "I would recommend that you talk with a mental health professional near you about the details so you can have some really specific support for what you are going through.I don't know if you can understand when the voices are saying, but I wonder how you feel about what you are hearing? If the voices are just at night, is it possible that they are part of a nightmare or a dream?If you recall your nightmares, consider writing them down so that you can remember their content and work with a mental health professional to look for patterns.One thing that may help you while you are awake is to try to stay connected to the room you're in. For example, take time to notice your feet on the floor, hips in the chair, and shoulders against the back of the chair. You can also try mindfulness techniques, such as noticing what is around you or changing your breathing patterns. These ideas may help in the meantime prior to having more specific ideas from someone near you.Thanks for reaching out!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the dreams and voices go away?", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "Voices and dreams could be suppressed feelings or thoughts that result from negative experiences. Many times when people go to trough traumatic incidents or changes in their lives without being equipped to manage them and as a result they start having similar symptoms. It is helpful to find a therapist to talk to about those dreams and voices, once you get them out, you could analyze the concerns and fears that they reflect and normalize them, which will also be a good time to discuss their source, if any traumatic event has occurred in your life. Also, I recommend to journal your dreams, especially if they keep you awake at night, and meditate after, so you could go back to sleep. Cmo puedo hacer que los sueos y las voces desaparezcan?Durante las ltimas cuatro semanas he estado teniendo pesadillas y escuchando voces que me dicen cosas horribles. No son voces que hablan al azar, pero voces de las personas que me importan.Las voces y los sueos pueden ser sentimientos supresos o pensamientos que resultan de experiencias negativas. Muchas veces estos sntomas surgen cuando las personas pasan por situaciones traumticas o cambios que no estaban preparados para enfrentar. Es til encontrar a un terapeuta con quien puedas hablar de esos sueos y voces, y aprender a normalizar el contenido de los mismos. Tambin sera un buen momento para discutir cualquier situacin traumtica que te haya ocurrido. Adems te sugiero que escribas tus sueos, especialmente si te mantienen despierto en la noche, y que medites luego de escribirlos para que puedas volver a dormir."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the dreams and voices go away?", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "Are you in the middle of extreme emotional pressure right now?Or, is someone with whom you're close, under stress or somehow suffering?Dreams and nightmares are when our feelings and pressures we feel, try working themselves out without logic and language.Even though the nightmares are horrible, they are one way your psyche is trying to come to terms w extraordinary difficulty in your life or someone's life whom you feel greatly attached."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the dreams and voices go away?", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "It's important to take a look inside and find out why you are experiencing these feelings. It could anything and it will change your life to know what your particular issue or trigger is. Please contact us a call with the method that is most comfortable for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I make the dreams and voices go away?", "questionText": "For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", "answerText": "Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away. If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening."}, {"questionTitle": "What is a psychotic seizure?", "questionText": "My doctor seems to think I am in danger of having one. I neglected to ask how this was different than an episode. I have been formally diagnosed with bipolar type 1.", "answerText": "I do not think there is such a thing as a psychotic seizure, however, there is something called a pseduoseizure or psychogenic non-epileptic seizure. Basically, this is when a person shows signs of a full-on seizure (such as falling and convulsing) but they are not producing brain waves consistent with a seizure. Psedoseizures tend to be brought on by high stress, emotional challenges, and trauma history. You can learn more here,https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK441871/Still, the best way to now what your doctor meant would be to ask them! :)"}, {"questionTitle": "What is a psychotic seizure?", "questionText": "My doctor seems to think I am in danger of having one. I neglected to ask how this was different than an episode. I have been formally diagnosed with bipolar type 1.", "answerText": "The best path is to ask your doctor what s/he meant when telling you about your high risk for psychotic seizure.Your doctor knows you better than any of the therapists who write on this blog. And, because your doctor knows your health, will likely have suggestions and advice for you regarding the seizures s/he thinks you may develop."}, {"questionTitle": "What is a psychotic seizure?", "questionText": "My doctor seems to think I am in danger of having one. I neglected to ask how this was different than an episode. I have been formally diagnosed with bipolar type 1.", "answerText": "I will admit that I'm not specifically familiar with this from my own experience.My best educated guess is that you could have a seizure during which you have some sort of symptoms similar to a hallucination (which is one of the psychotic symptoms) when you hear or see things that aren't really there.In looking briefly online, I was able to find some information here:http://www.epilepsy.com/information/professionals/about-epilepsy-seizures/psychiatric-and-behavioral-aspects/psychiatric-2It sounds like this would be a symptom in addition to an already existing seizure disorder, not a seizure disorder in addition to a mental health problem. If it is the other way around, I'm not sure how that would work. It is common with some types of seizures to have an altered state of reality during or shortly after the seizure, so that could also be related.I would suggest you talk to your physician about this directly so that if they are worried about this, you can learn more about what is making them concerned about it and what, if anything, you could do to lessen the likelihood of it or how to handle it if it does happen."}, {"questionTitle": "Can someone with bipolar disorder feel like they are not themselves, like an observer in their own body and not really in control?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Yes.You wrote a good description of one of the ways someone who has bi polar diagnosis would describe themselves.And, this description is broad enough to describe the way many people feel when going through a painful and frightening life event or situation.Unless someone has been diagnosed with bi polar disorder, then the description you wrote above is not sufficient for a self-diagnosis of like disorder."}, {"questionTitle": "Can someone with bipolar disorder feel like they are not themselves, like an observer in their own body and not really in control?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. What you are describing sounds like dissociation, which can happen with folks who have bipolar disorder. To a certain extent, all people experience dissociation at some point, but it can become severe for some people. Dissociation takes different forms: 1. the feeling like you are detached from yourself, and 2. The feeling that you are detached from your environment. I would suggest looking up bipolar disorder and dissociation and see if these symptoms seem familiar. If so, you should consider discussing it with a mental health provider. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Can someone with bipolar disorder feel like they are not themselves, like an observer in their own body and not really in control?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Well, one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is having times of really high-energy and kind of feeling like they rule the world, so perhaps.There are also some other things that come to mind when you mention this. For example, the person you are describing could be reacting to something that happened in their past.It would probably be helpful to speak with a local mental health professional."}, {"questionTitle": "I have had a compulsive swallowing tic for the past 9 monthshow can I get rid of it?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The first step is to get a medical rule out that the problem is psychological and emotionally based, not a symptom of a medical condition.Ask your healthcare practitioner their opinion on this question.If there isn't a medical explanation, then you are free to explore the possibilities of tension and anxiety in your life which may contribute to the swallowing tic.If you've been under severe stress at work, feel pressure in a relationship, have a sense of wanting change in your life overall and unsure where to start, these are each possible stimulus to a tic.The main point to keep in mind is that the tic is best addressed by clarifying the life situation predicaments in which you may be.Aside from reminding yourself to stop the tic once you notice it, a tic which is not a medical problem will go away when the underlying tension which supports it goes away."}, {"questionTitle": "I have had a compulsive swallowing tic for the past 9 monthshow can I get rid of it?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I don't have experience with this type of tic, but I can still give you a few general thoughts.I would first suggest meeting with your primary care physician. They would probably be able to refer you to a specialist to see whether there is a physical cause. Sometimes there is some sort of chemical imbalance and extra communication in nerves and muscles that can be treated with medication.I'm not sure about your use of the word compulsive and what exactly you meant by it, but it led me to wonder whether you feel better after you swallow and how often it happens.It would also be helpful to see if you can recall any events or changes leading up to the time when this started for you as well as anything that makes it better or worse.I don't know whether you are saying that it ties to anxiety or whether it is just something that happens and feels like it is out of your control.Here is some basic information about certain types of tic disorders and under the resources section at the top, there is a link to a list of specialists:http://www.movementdisorders.org/MDS/About/Movement-Disorder-Overviews/Tics--Tourette-Syndrome.htmAlso, having awareness of trying not to do something can make it more difficult not to do it. For example, if I ask you not to think of pink elephants from the next five minutes, that will probably be something you think about a lot in that time frame. Working with a physician (and possibly a therapist, depending on their recommendations) about this may be helpful to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I control my anxiety when I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Anxiety resolves most easily when the person who has it does not try to control it.Anxiety itself is a symptom of feeling insecure and imagining control of an action will somehow create a feeling of peace.Assuming your OCD symptoms are within range to affect only you and not other people directly, then sometimes the awareness of doing a repeated action not because its necessary but because it satisfies your anxiety, creates its own sense of control.Instead of directly controlling the anxiety you will be handling the OCD situation and this will indirectly calm your anxiety.If following this advice is not effective, then please don't blame or fault find yourself. Everyone has their own unique qualities and yours may or may not naturally resonate with what I just wrote.Then you will feel ready to see if a different approach will give you some relief. There is almost always more than one answer to a problem!"}, {"questionTitle": "What can I do about those people that are so misunderstanding and judgmental?", "questionText": "People always judge others so rudely.", "answerText": "I agree with you and this is emotionally painful to watch or be on the receiving side.Depending on who is the person doing this and your relationship to them, it is possible to kindly point out that the person may unnecessarily hurt someone's feelings.If you express your thoughts and give your guidance, then whatever the person does afterwards, you have the peace of knowing you tried to redirect this behavior."}, {"questionTitle": "I think I have a fetish that might be getting out of control", "questionText": "I've developed a really intense and unexpected attraction to An actress after seeing her in a ballet uniform while guest starring on a television show. I try, but I can't get her out of my mind. What should I do?", "answerText": "Why not make good use of your unexpected attraction to study the features you consider attractive in someone.Attraction based on physicality is normal. As long as you have no negative thoughts of doing harm to the person or yourself which are connected to the attraction you feel, and so long as your attraction isn't stopping you from doing your daily life responsibilities such as work, to take care of your daily needs and any responsibilities you have for other people, then eventually it will lose its power on you."}, {"questionTitle": "The Underlying Causes of Being Possessive", "questionText": "I am extremely possessive in my relationships and this is hurting my friendships. How can I fix my underlying issues?", "answerText": "Hi there. It's great you are able to realize there are other issues going on with someone who feels possessive. At the root of it is fear. Fear of losing someone, fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough. All those fears can lead to low self-esteem and feeling like you have to control other people so you don't lose them. The thing is, controlling other people only pushes them away. Vicious circle, right?What I would suggest is some cognitive therapy to change those underlying ways of thinking. You can start with this assignment. Write down all the things you think about yourself, positive and not-so-positive. Then rewrite those not-so-positive things so they are positive. For example, thinking something like, \"I'm too pushy\", can be rewritten as, \"I'm assertive and I go after what I want.\" It can be hard to do since we tend to get \"stuck\" in our negative ways of thinking about ourselves. If you have someone you trust, you can ask for their help as well since most likely they see you differently than you see yourself.Finding a good cognitive therapist can help you further, but if that's not an option for you right now, there are lots of self-help books and websites that are out there. You've already taken the first step, so keep moving forward."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I change?", "questionText": "I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change?", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Changing unwanted behavior is one of the hardest things a person can do. I agree with Sherry that being patient with yourself is important. Here are a few things I would suggest:1. Get clear on the behaviors you really want to change, and make sure they are behaviors that CAN be changed. Sometimes we will set a goal like, \"I want to be more confident\" but that is hard to measure and prove to yourself that you accomplished it. Saying you are going to accept a date or go on a job interview is something you can actually do, and something that you may consider to be demonstrating confidence. Whatever your change of behavior is, make sure it is something you can actually change. 2. If you are going to give up a behavior, decide what you are going to do in place of it. So, if you are going to stop showing up late for work, then you are deciding to be on time for work and demonstrating your value of being punctual. 3. If you are going to make changes, really nail down WHY you want to make them. What is it about making these changes that is important to you as a person? For example, if you have the goal of weight loss, the reason this is important to you as a person may be because you value self-care. Knowing WHY you want to make changes is both your motivation and your compass for getting there. 4. Once you know WHY you want to make these changes, I strongly suggest setting small goals. If you set too high of goals you may not accomplish them and just feel worse. So, make the goal small, realistic, and guided by the the things you want to be as a person. 5. As Sherry mentioned, finding a counselor is sometimes a good idea if you really feel stuck. Any counselor who does work with goal-setting and motivation can probably help. Be well,Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC"}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I change?", "questionText": "I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change?", "answerText": "In general the reason people aren't able to change is because the person feels a sense of fear to change.What the roots are of this fear are usually easiest to identify by talking with someone whom you trust and feel safe to talk about your inner thoughts and emotions.If you haven't got someone like this in your life, which is common, then shop around for a therapist because a therapist is someone who is professionally trained to listen in a way which helps someone know more about who they are.Be patient with yourself too. Change sometimes feels much scarier and is more complex than simple compared with whatever you would like to change."}, {"questionTitle": "Why don't I feel normal?", "questionText": "I don't feel like myself anymore. For example, I could walk up an entire flight of stairs before realizing that my legs are moving. I feel like Im watching my life be lived by someone else.", "answerText": "You may be experiencing a form of dissociation called depersonalization. People with this type of dissociation may feel disconnected from their bodies, feel that they are watching their bodies from a distance, or may not recognize their image in the mirror. Dissociation sometimes occurs after someone experiences something traumatic. I would suggest working with a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders as dissociation does not typically resolve on its own. On my website, I have some information specific to dissociation that you may find helpful. Best of luck to you."}, {"questionTitle": "I did something I can't get over", "questionText": "I was with my friends fishing by a pond. I found a frog and stabbed it with my friend's knife. I'm not sure why I did it. My friends saw me do it it and were shocked and got really mad at me. Now if someone brings it up I get really upset and panicked. I don't know why I feel like this. Does this mean there is something wrong with me?", "answerText": "The good news is your awareness that being violent to animals feels out of character for you. I'm glad you have awareness and I'm glad you are not at ease with killing frogs.Fairly likely that you were acting out aggressively toward the frog, feelings of being on the receiving side of similar type of violence.Basically, you did unto the frog what someone has or to you, feels like, has been done to you.Use your surprising finding of how strong your anger and most likely inward pain. Reflect on your closest relationships and how these people treat you. It is possible you feel more hurt by someone who is close to you than you ever realized.Stabbing innocent frogs is wrong. It is understandable as a way to show you how much inner pain you probably have.It is also wrong that someone close to you hurt you.The direction to go is to recognize your pain and then decide how to go about changing what is possible on your side of that or those relationship(s)."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I think about how easy it would be to hurt cute animals?", "questionText": "Sometimes, when I look at my pet cat, I think about how innocent he is and how somebody could hurt or kill him. It makes me sad because I love him, but I always think about how helpless he is. There've even been split-seconds where I felt almost tempted to kick him, followed by shame and guilt.", "answerText": "A lot of different things could be happening here. Do you feel angry or sad or anxious when you think about how helpless he is? If you have not actually kicked him, then I would encourage you to look at feelings other than guilt, since you did not hurt him. What else is there?It would probably be very helpful to talk with a therapist about the specifics of this so that you can see what else is happening for you. It could be that you feel safe with your cat, so strong emotions come up because you feel safe."}, {"questionTitle": "Why does my granddaughter instantly switch moods?", "questionText": "She was diagnosed a type one diabetic two years ago and had a very tough time dealing with it. She has an attachment issue also; her mother just moved to a much nicer home, and she gets angry and demands to go back to her prior home. We do not understand what is going on, and it is driving us crazy.", "answerText": "There are many possible answers here. It could be that she misses friends, that she felt safe in the other house (emotionally safe and comfortable), or dozens of other things. Will she talk about it when she's not mad? You mentioned that she has an attachment issue. It could also be that she was attached to the house. It's not the same as being attached to a person, but possessions and safe places certainly mean a lot."}, {"questionTitle": "Do feelings of depersonalization go away?", "questionText": "I've felt this way for two years. I feel so much better now then I did when it started, but it is still there in the back of my mind at all times.", "answerText": "Best answer that I can give to you is that some level of de-personalization is quite normal for everyone, it will come and go throughout life, kind of like being on a roller-coaster, \"here it is, then it's gone not to return for quite some time\", like many things, the more that you fixate on it, the more stress it will cause you, consider it part of life, accept it, and move on, now if your having many, many ,many of these episodes or have some auditory or visual hallucination or disturbances or emotional unbalancing that accompany it than that is definitely something to look at, but for the most part nothing to worry about. Hope this helps,C"}, {"questionTitle": "Do I have bipolar disorder?", "questionText": "It's been like a couple of years that I've been feeling like this. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I get so sad and cry and then I feel better. But then I get upset with people so quickly, and I hurt their feelings. It's this constant rollercoaster, and it's hard.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. Bipolar disorder isgenerallycharacterized by extreme changes in mood, ranging from mania (highs) to depression (lows). There are different types; however, so here is awebsite thatgives you a list of symptoms for mania and depression in bipolar disorder: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/bipolar-disorder-manic-depression?page=2After reviewing these symptoms, if you believe you may have bipolar disorder, then you may want to see your primary care provider ora counselor. Bipolar disorder is treatable, but for many people it requires the right medication and sometimes counseling to help people make behavior changes that are important for bipolar management. For example, some people may not get regular sleep, but proper rest is important for bipolar management. A counselor may talk to you about this and other lifestyle changes that you may need to make.The good news is that many people live happy, healthy, and productive lives with bipolar disorder. So, if it turns out that you do have bipolar disorder, it doesn't mean that things can't get better. There is currently no \"cure\" for bipolar disorder, but with proper medication and lifestyle management, people can do quite well.Hope this was helpful. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with OCD?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be similar to anxiety disorders, assuming that you have already been diagnosed with OCD, it is important that you learn to identify the symptoms, the triggers and how to manage them.Different types of treatment have proven successful, among them Cognitive Behavioral therapy can help you to understand the source and thought patterns that cause the behavior, Exposure therapy could help you to manage the obsession by interacting with the objects that are the source of obsession. Other creative therapy techniques may help you to manage symptoms and help you to relax when triggered.Cmo manejo el OCD (Desorden Obsesivo Compulsivo)?El Desorden Obsesivo Compulsivo puede ser similar a otros desordenes de ansiedad. Asumiendo que ya has sido diagnosticado por un profesional de la salud mental, el prximo paso es aprender sobre el desorden. Es importante comprender los sntomas relacionados con el desorden, y que en particular los causa, ya que identificamos los causantes de los sntomas podemos aprender a manejar o reducirlos.Se recomiendan diferentes tratamientos, entre ellos: Terapia Cognitiva Conductual te puede ayudar a comprender la causa que activa los patrones obsesivos y ayuda a corregir los patrones mentales y errores de pensamiento. La terapia de Exposicin te ayuda a procesar pensamientos y emociones segn interactas con los objetos o actividades de obsesin. Otras tcnicas de Terapia Creativa te pueden ayudar a reducir sntomas, y relajarte cuando estas expuesto a los mismos."}, {"questionTitle": "What are some physical signs of psychosis?", "questionText": "I just need to know if I'm really crazy or not.", "answerText": "Do an internet research on psychosis symptoms and see if you have several of the symptoms. If you do, seek a medical evaluation from your primary care physician. There are great medications and psychotherapy that can help you live your life to the fullest. There a many people who are diagnosed with psychosis and living a productive life."}, {"questionTitle": "I've been having breakdowns for no reason at all", "questionText": "I start to think of an issue that doesn't even matter or something bad that happened years ago. Then, I cry, pull at my hair, plug my ears, hit myself, and throw things. In loud public places, I get on edge and start being sarcastic and moody. I have an awful fear of people leaving me (which normally ends up happening) and I feel like I'm too clingy.", "answerText": "There is a reason you are having breakdowns.I can't agree that they happen for\"no reason at all\". Finding out the reason is going to be your biggest challenge because that may require you to dig deep into your past, uncover hurtful experiences, orrecognize something that would be extremely pain. However, if you don't find professional help to carefully guide you through whatever you mayconfront,the symptoms mentioned will continue and may even get worse. There is a light at the end of the road but you needsome help to find the right road to get on so you can see it."}, {"questionTitle": "Is my ex-boyfriend a pathological liar?", "questionText": "I have an ex-boyfriend who just lies about everything. He is super lazy. He lies to everyone that he has a good job, builds trust, and then start borrowing moneyand large amounts too. It has come to the point where he has gone through several group of friends. He is leaving a trail behind full of friends in debt because he would put on a sob story, borrow money, then disappear. He refuses to work, so he sits at home playing games all day and either lies to his mom for money or lies to his friends. I used to think his lying was due to his drug habit, but now I'm hearing from other ex-friends of his that this started even before the drugs got into his life. He would borrow anywhere from $5,000 to $50,000 from everyone and it would all disappear. He's in debt with bills. He doesn't gamble, but he spends his money on random stuff. Although he has this habit of lying compulsively and spending money, he seems to be a good person. He'll always give a homeless person all his change no matter what. My brother has epilepsy and is really antisocialmy ex-boyfriend makes an actual effort to socialize with my brother. He takes him out to the movies and plays video games with him. He drives me to school and work every day and picks me upjust basically the small things that add up to the fact that he's not totally a horrible human being. Is he just simple a pathological liar or is there something that could possibly be deep down in there?", "answerText": "It sounds like you have some ambivalent feelings towards your ex-boyfriend that are difficult to sort out. You notice that there are both desirable and undesirable things about him, and this is true of everyone to one degree or another. One question that I would have for you is, are you satisfied with your relationship with him as it currently stands? Are you happy with the boundaries between the two of you, or would you like them to be different? Negotiating through conflict and establishing different boundaries are definitely things you could work on with the help of a therapist. Another question I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out what motivates his behavior? Discovering the roots of such behavior is something that he would have to work on in his own therapy and not something that you and a therapist could discover without him."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I think about death?", "questionText": "I noticed lately that I've been thinking a lot about death. I don't want to die, and I'm not suicidal. I just think about what would happen if I died or if someone I loved died. I imagine how sad everyone I know would be. I know it isn't worth it, and I definitely want to live and have a future. I just think about it. When I'm driving, I sometimes imagine what would happen if I just let go of the wheel and kept going.", "answerText": "I'll respond to your speculation that if you let go of the steering wheel while driving, you'll end up quite seriously hurt, at the very least. It is fine to play in your mind with \"what ifs\". People who write horror movie scripts most likely have some terrible sounding stories and suppositions.If you trust yourself to actually not follow through with an idea that may kill you, and you recognize the difference between thinking dangerous things and doing dangerous things, then go to the next step of understanding more about your thoughts on death.Since you wonder about being missed if you die, it is possible your thoughts about death are from feeling that you are metaphysically dead to people in your life whom you wish would show more interest in you.Play around with your idea as to why you'd consider how people will feel about you if you're not in their lives.This may offer some insight as to your expectations of current relationships with others."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop being so emotional all the time over worthless stuff?", "questionText": "I was never like this. Recently this year (my first year of high school), I started getting emotional for no reason.", "answerText": "Hello Vancouver, It's really common for people to become very upset over small things sometimes. The small thing is a \"trigger\", and the emotions aren't so much about that event that's happening in the present; they are more connected to old events that evoked the same feeling. You've likely had too much of that feeling in your life and you've developed a sensitivity to it. Look at the small events that are triggers for you and ask yourself what same or similar emotion they evoke. If there's anger there, look underneath that. Is it powerlessness, worthlessness, hurt, shame...? Then ask yourself when in your life you've experienced TOO much of that feeling. As a child, maybe, but not necessarily.That's the first step, and combined with empathy, compassion and self-esteem, you're starting to build what I call an emotional air conditioner. A good therapist can help you with the rest of this process and with learning ways of coping with emotions daily. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get rid of my laziness?", "questionText": "I am lazy. I am very aware of the problem and try to talk myself out of it all the time, but I never seem to shake the habits. I try to think of what it is doing to me and my future, but no matter what, I keep creating excuses for myself to continue the procrastination. All I'm ever left with is regrets and a low grade. I am at an all-time low in my life, and I'm not even that old. I've always been a straight-A student, but now I'm getting C's and F's, and it hurts me to know that I am way better than that. It's not even like the work is hard.", "answerText": "Possibly laziness is not the true problem and is only what appears as the problem.Since you describe your laziness as an observable quality, I assume you've not always felt or handled yourself this way.Quite possibly and more likely, the particular conditions of your current life are not ones that are optimal for feeling good about yourself and your involvements.One suggestion is to see if there is any purpose to what you're doing in all the areas in which you see yourself acting from laziness.If you're not able to notice any good purpose, then you may be mistaking \"laziness\" for a significant amount of stress in your life.Stress can be opened and understood. If stress is what underlies what appears as laziness, then you define the contributors to your stress.Not feeling enough support in your life, financial uncertainty, arguments w people who are close in your life, feeling misunderstood overall or by particular people, all are possibilities.Good luck in learning more about who you are!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get rid of my laziness?", "questionText": "I am lazy. I am very aware of the problem and try to talk myself out of it all the time, but I never seem to shake the habits. I try to think of what it is doing to me and my future, but no matter what, I keep creating excuses for myself to continue the procrastination. All I'm ever left with is regrets and a low grade. I am at an all-time low in my life, and I'm not even that old. I've always been a straight-A student, but now I'm getting C's and F's, and it hurts me to know that I am way better than that. It's not even like the work is hard.", "answerText": "I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. It sounds to me like you are suffering from depression to some degree. Have you seen a therapist or talked to anyone about your problems? If not, I would advise that you do so sooner than later so that you can learn what is causing you to be unmotivated and causing difficulty with breaking the cycle that you are in. It is also a good idea to get a medical evaluation from your doctor to rule out any medical causes for your current condition. Most often, difficult situations that life throws at us, along with an inability to think positively, and break bad habits are what cause depression. Somethings you can do immediately are seek help from a professional, schedule in time every day to engage in pleasurable (or once pleasurable) activities, exercise daily, and practice thinking more positively.Set a few daily goals for yourself and write them down each morning or the night before. Achieving your goals every day will give you a sense of accomplishment and can lead tofeeling more optimistic and capable. Additionally,keep ajournal to write down how you are feeling and what ideasyou have to helpfeel better. Sometimes havingthese ideaswritten down make it more real and tangible.Know that depressionismost often curable but takes work and a desire to change (which you clearly have). Once you start feeling better about yourself and your life, your grades should naturally begin to improve, as you will have more motivation and energy to focus on that particular area. Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "I have a compulsion to fill in holes in my skin with ink", "questionText": "I never get infections or scars or anything, and it doesn't bother me if it gets filled up with blood or something, but I'm concerned.", "answerText": "Hi Houston, The fact that you're concerned says a lot. If I was your therapist I'd ask you questions about your worries and how this is causing a problem in your life. You're causing perhaps permanent changes (damage?) to your body, and it's likely you're trying to express something...pain maybe? A therapist can help you to explore what's going on for you and how to get your needs for self-expression met in a more healthy way. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I know if I have bipolar disorder?", "questionText": "I feel that I am struggling with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and it is making my day-to-day life extremely difficult.", "answerText": "It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of distress and you're wondering if it may meet a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. There are a few different types of Bipolar diagnoses in the DSM (diagnositc and statistical manual) and the best way to find out if your experiences would meet that diagnosis would be to meet with a mental health professional. You can also look up the diagnosis online and see if what you are going through meets the criteria.One question that I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out that you meet the criteria for such a diagnosis? It sounds like whether or not you do, you are suffering and working with a therapist may help you get into a better place."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my husband get over his drinking addiction?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Does your husband WANT to get over his drinking addiction? Motivation is a critical component of recovery....and it can't be just your motivation! When a loved one is immersed in their addiction, we often feel as though we have lost them. When he is ready to get help there are a lot of wonderful programs out there including: AA meetings, SMART recovery, faith based programs and online services. It is always a good idea to have a medical evaluation prior to making major adjustments to your drinking patterns as his body may literally be dependent on alcohol.In the meantime, what you do have 100% control over is what you accept in your life and the boundaries you set to protect your well being. Spend some time focusing on what you want in your life? What are some changes you can make to protect yourself? Maybe it's time you saw a therapist, joined a support group, engaged in a new hobby! And...try not to \"rescue\" your husband too much! Natural consequences can be a great thing for our loved ones that are struggling in their addiction."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my husband get over his drinking addiction?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Ultimately, your family member must make the decision for themselves that they are ready to stop using drugs and alcohol. Family members can offer support by helping to research and schedule treatment or counseling. Do not enable, set firm boundaries, and establish a united front. Take care of yourself. AttendAl-AnonorNar-Anonmeetings. While I hope that every person with a substance use disorder finds recovery, the sad truth is that not all will. However, family members still need to have their own recovery that is independent of their loved one. Family members frequently benefit from individual counseling, too."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my husband get over his drinking addiction?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Acknowledgment from your husband and wiling to make changes is essential first. We often try to force people to make changes hoping that they will see that we are right, even when they may not be ready. Having a willingness to work together and be supportive is fundamental in recovery. If he is not quite there yet I would snuggest individual therapy for yourself where you have an outlet and can also gain suggestions on what the next steps might be. If he is ready I would suggest you engage in therapy together and be ready to listen to him and what his needs might be."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my husband get over his drinking addiction?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It's not easy to be married to an alcoholic and I want to extend my support to you. Without knowing the pattern of his substance use, I'll accept your description that he is an addict.The short version is that his addiction is not in your hands. Period. However, addiction is a \"family disease\", so you are definitely connected to it. Most people benefit from professional help, whether they are the addict or the other person. You might read some material from al-anon to improve your insight into how addiction works within relationships. It is safe to say that you are likely to have a role as a \"co-dependent\" or \"enabler\". The most common pattern is doing overt and subtle things that insulate the addict from the consequences of their behaviors. From calling out sick for the person when they're hung-over to allowing money to pay for alcohol, to simply remaining in the relationship, these are all behaviors that make the addiction more likely to continue.Change is difficult for all of us, especially when a physical dependency on a substance may be involved. But the awkward truth is that not one of us ever made a change unless we were in at least some pain. Pain in our present circumstance is a requirement to achieve change. By \"enabling\" your husband, you minimize that pain. Let me state again, though, that his addiction is not in your control and it's not for you to fix. You can, however, change your own behaviors in ways that might change his odds. Even if he does not get over his drinking addiction, as a general rule, you will be happier if you stop being a participant in it.Many people find that an addiction removes the addict from the relationship -- they're not really there, even if they appear to be. At the same time, there's a third person -- the substance. Some people choose not to remain in a relationship that's constructed in this odd and off-balance way.I hope that gives you some thought-starters but I would encourage you to seek in-person help from a local provider. And I wish for you and your husband recovery and well-being. Best regards,Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I help my husband get over his drinking addiction?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "By being truthful with him about how his drinking affects you.People who are addicted to a substance, have tremendous emotional pain they are covering up. The only action someone who would like to help, can do, is to be truthful when loving the person.Show your love and express your own wishes on what you'd like from him. This may encourage him to try loving you back instead of drinking to feel better about himself.It also may not since addictions are the result of behavior patterns set very early in life.My best advice is to stay clear that your love is no guarantee he will want to look at his deep emotional pain, clean it out and be open to loving you and to stop harming himself with excess alcohol.Keep in mind that his problem of great emotional pain, can only be solved by him. Try not to get lost into offering more help than he is able to utilize."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I stop struggling with alcohol?", "questionText": "My father is an alcoholic, and I see tendencies of that in myself. I am recently married, and I feel it affecting our relationship. I'm not sure why I do it, but I want to stop. How can I find the willpower?", "answerText": "Congratulations on taking the first step on the road towards recovery by acknowledging the problem and asking for help! The American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as \"a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual's life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences.\" Notice that nothing in the definition speaks about willpower or motivation. That's because addiction is a disease - just like diabetes or high blood pressure. Imagine I gave a huge piece of chocolate cake to a diabetic. After he eats the cake, I say to him \"Use your willpower to lower your glucose to 100.\" Do you think he would be successful?All addictions are behaviors. Behavior can be understood in terms of function and reinforcement. All behavior is either an attempt to get something or an attempt to get away from something. If you apply this logic to addictive behaviors, the use of mood-altering substances is an attempt to create a particular feeling or emotion, or an attempt to numb one. When a behavior is reinforced, we are more likely to engage in the same behavior again in the future. Let's assume that I'm feeling very anxious. I drink some alcohol and notice that my anxiety decreases. My brain takes note of this and the next time I'm feeling anxious I am more likely to reach for a bottle. Now, imagine this happening hundreds, if not thousands, of times.Addiction recovery is about identifying and treating the underlying reasons for the use. A qualified addiction therapist will assist you in developing a relapse prevention plan that addresses these underlying issues and helps you to identify triggers for your use. Additionally, you will learn how to avoid triggers and gain healthy coping skills to use instead of relying on alcohol.I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. Recovery can be difficult and requires a willingness to change just about everything in your life. But the rewards are tremendous!"}, {"questionTitle": "The organization I work for has told me I cannot go to my 12 step meetings", "questionText": "This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.", "answerText": "You definitely want to make sure not to inadvertently create an inappropriate dual relationship with a client.In fact, it is not uncommon for state regulatory boards to determine that a clinician and client being in the same 12 step group is professional misconduct.You might want to consider attending a 12 step meeting that is located in a different community than the one you work in. Another option would be to look for one-on-one or small group recovery support."}, {"questionTitle": "The organization I work for has told me I cannot go to my 12 step meetings", "questionText": "This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.", "answerText": "Hello, and thank you for your question. I know that workplaces have some latitude when it comes to requiring certain behaviors from their employees. For example, they may require you to tell them if you get into some kind of legal trouble. But this situation seems completely different. For one thing, 12 step meetings are supposed to be anonymous. I am not sure how they would know that you attended unless you or someone else told them. I agree that it seems like to cross a line. Usually each state has an office that manages complaints related to employment, such as the Department of Labor or EEOC. You may want to see which entity is in your state and contact them. It would be worth asking them to see if this is a legal practice. If it is but you still want/need to stay at this job, then you may want to look for alternate sources of support for your sobriety. There are active online support groups that would allow you to do things from the privacy of your home. SMART Recovery http://www.smartrecovery.org/ is a website that many people like. There are also online groups that specifically discuss the 12 steps. No matter what, I give you a lot of credit for doing your best to keep your sobriety and continuing to see the value in having support. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "The organization I work for has told me I cannot go to my 12 step meetings", "questionText": "This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.", "answerText": "I worked for an organization that had a similar policy, although I'm not aware of it ever being enforced. Most of the employees were in recovery and active in 12-step programs. It has always been my personal practice that if I am present at a meeting and encounter a current client, I will leave. No questions asked. If I encounter a former client, I may decide to stay, depending on how involved I was in the treatment of that client, but I will not share during the meeting to avoid any inappropriate self-disclosure. I live in a relatively large city with a lot of groups, so it's possible to find meetings where I don't run into clients. This can be much more challenging in a smaller city. I understand that you don't work directly with peers in substance abuse treatment, but we know that many of our clients with chronic mental illness also have chemical dependency issues. Therefore, it is possible that you might encounter them at 12-step meetings. Perhaps you could try online meetings or consider driving to an adjacent city or town to attend meetings?"}, {"questionTitle": "The organization I work for has told me I cannot go to my 12 step meetings", "questionText": "This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.", "answerText": "Seems you would benefit more from legal guidance than from therapist advice.For example, I imagine policy must be presented in writing to the prospective employee prior to signing a contract of employment.If you were not given in writing the organization's policy of employees not being permitted to attend meetings, then I doubt the organization can hold you accountable for policy which you never were informed existed.There are workplace rules and regulations which your matter may be protected by.Since attorney fees are high, first look on your state's website for any agency your state government has which monitors employee rights in the workplace on being informed on policy.If you are in the right, as to having the right to not follow policy about which you never were told, then the next point to consider is whether or not to take any action based on your finding.Being legally in the right doesn't guarantee your workplace will be happy to accept they are wrong.The next step is to consider your own peace of mind working for an organization which essentially believes violating your civil right to free association, is ok.You may decide on a longer term plan on leaving this place. Usually when an employer does wrong in one area, they are also doing wrong in other areas of the workplace."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get away from my phone?", "questionText": "For some reason, I look at my phone, and in no time, five hours has passed. During those five hours, I'm playing games and trying to find out how to make my phone fun to use so I don't feel like I wasted my time trying to improve my phone's performance in my life.", "answerText": "Start by spending small amounts of time with your own thoughts and feelings.Always being focused on what a phone offers keeps people at a distance from knowing themselves.As long as you make time to spend in an activity which is not interactive the way a phone is, and instead depends only upon your actions, you will be investing time and energy into your own life.Whether by consciously considering your own interests, or doing housecleaning or chores, by devoting yourself to areas which you decide to be involved in, you will increase your knowledge of your own interests.Then, to not be so involved with your phone will be natural and easy."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there a lawsuit for counselors and therapists who failed to report a relapse?", "questionText": "I have a relative who is in his twenties. He was in a drug rehabilitation program and got kicked out for using drugs again. No one informed family that he was using drugs again. He subsequently overdosed and was found dead. Is their accountability of counselors, therapists or the halfway house for not reporting that he had relapsed? Is there a legal case for failing to report?", "answerText": "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This sounds like a really difficult situation for the whole family. Since the answer to this question will depend a lot on the applicable state laws, I would suggest talking with a local attorney. That being said, I see two competing issues here. On the one side is the duty of confidentiality the counselors owedto your relative. On the other side is the duty the counselors had to act reasonably to protect your relative from harm. Generally there is not a requiremt for substance abuse treatment centers to notify family members if an adult client relapses.A local attorney will be able to provide more specific guidance on the legal obligtions and liabilities in this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there a lawsuit for counselors and therapists who failed to report a relapse?", "questionText": "I have a relative who is in his twenties. He was in a drug rehabilitation program and got kicked out for using drugs again. No one informed family that he was using drugs again. He subsequently overdosed and was found dead. Is their accountability of counselors, therapists or the halfway house for not reporting that he had relapsed? Is there a legal case for failing to report?", "answerText": "I am so sorry for your loss. Generally therapists only have a duty to report self harm to ones self or others if it is expressed to them. Often times they will not report relapses due to the fact that proper releases were not signed or patient has specifically asked them not to for fear of shaming or failure again. I understand this may not be the answer you were hoping for. I would encourage the family to seek therapy themselves for help coping with such a loss."}, {"questionTitle": "Can a past therapist disclose information to a current therapist that you are seeing?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Generally, the laws regarding confidentiality would require a past therapist to obtain your permission before disclosing any information about you to your current therapist.Depending on state law, there could be some exceptions to this general rule. For example, most states would allow your former therapist to provide information about you to your current therapist if he/she reasonably believed it would protect you or someone else from an imminent harm."}, {"questionTitle": "Can a past therapist disclose information to a current therapist that you are seeing?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "No, not without a signed release of information (ROI) from you (the client)."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it ethical for a social worker to ignore a clients phone calls?", "questionText": "I terminated my counseling relationship with a social worker several years ago. I am now realizing that I would like to begin counseling again. The social workers voicemail message says that he returns calls in 24 hours, but he hasn't called me back. I called him on the weekend and made it clear that I want him to call me back. Can he just ignore me?", "answerText": "Mental health providers should promptly return calls from current clients as well as from potential clients. This is even true if the social worker (or counselor) is unable to make an appointment with the caller. In that case the social worker should call you back to let you know that he is unable to schedule an appointment with you.In addition, mental health providers have an obligation to follow through with their own communication standards. For example, if the social worker in this case has an outgoing voicemail message that promises returned calls within 24 hours, he has an obligation to follow through on that promise.All that being said, it is also worth remembering that mental health professionals are just people too. It is possible that he had an unforeseen emergency that kept him from from returning your call promptly.In the end, I agree with Sherry's advice. If you feel this social worker is not a good fit for you, you probably should trust your gut and find someone else who is a better fit."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it ethical for a social worker to ignore a clients phone calls?", "questionText": "I terminated my counseling relationship with a social worker several years ago. I am now realizing that I would like to begin counseling again. The social workers voicemail message says that he returns calls in 24 hours, but he hasn't called me back. I called him on the weekend and made it clear that I want him to call me back. Can he just ignore me?", "answerText": "Yes, your former social worker should return your phone call.It is the professional ethic to do so and plain human decency to do so.If he doesn't, there is nothing you can directly do about the fact of his ignoring you.There are formal complaints you can make, which you can consider doing.What matters most is receiving social work service.Stick with looking for another social worker who is willing to help you.The self-doubts you mention may be worth examining.They do not, however excuse the social worker mishandling himself."}, {"questionTitle": "My boyfriend is in the hospital. They wont tell me whats wrong and if or when hes coming back", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I know it can be really tough when a loved one is in the hospital and you aren't being told what is going on.In general, both Federal and State confidentiality laws prohibit health care providers from giving out private information about patients to non-family members.Unfortunately, you will probably just have to wait until he is released (or until you can visit him) to find out from him what is going on."}, {"questionTitle": "Unethical Therapy Practices", "questionText": "What do you do when a therapist and a parent drugs a child and makes up lies in order to stop the other parent's custody visitation?", "answerText": "This sounds like a potentially serious situation. The most important thing is to make sure the child is safe. If you suspect that a child is (or has been) harmed, I would strongly recommend that you report your concerns to your local law enforcement or to Child Protective Services. If you don't think that a child is in danger, you can still report your suspicion of counselor misconduct to the state regulatory board."}, {"questionTitle": "Unethical Therapy Practices", "questionText": "What do you do when a therapist and a parent drugs a child and makes up lies in order to stop the other parent's custody visitation?", "answerText": "I will admit I am confused about this question. Are you the other parent in question or a concerned coworker of this therapist?Therapists do not prescribe or have access to medication. Most therapists won't even get involved in a custody battle. They know there is a good chance of their records ending up in court and that they themselves will have to testify in court. Of course, therapists are human and can make mistakes, but I find it highly unlikely that a therapist would knowingly and willingly do something like this that is such a major ethical violation. Not only are they losing their license to practice by doing this, they are going to face criminal charges and jail time. If their clinical judgment is that the other parent is a danger to the child, they don't have to resort to illegal means to try to prove this.If you have concrete proof that this has happened then there is a process in which you can file a report against the therapist with their licensure board. Every therapist is licensed in their state. There are different types of licensures so you would need to know this therapist's licensure.Most accusations from the other parent are expected in a custody situation because people do tend to get quite ugly. Don't accuse the therapist or the parent of anything just to try to make yourself look better and them look bad. Have evidence of wrongdoing before accusing them of this. If this has really happened then of course it needs to be reported, but don't try to ruin someone's career unless you are sure this occurred."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it a normal practice for a team of doctors who are connected by state or profession to discontinue your treatment?", "questionText": "They discontinued treatment for no apparent reason after they thought to diagnose me with schizophrenia.", "answerText": "The general rule against medical abandonmentsays thst whenever healthcare providers discontinue treatment with you when you still need it, they are legally required to make sure that you have access to another provider of equal or higher ability.In this case, if your treatment team decided to discontinue your treatment based on a diagnosis of schizophrenia, they still will likely be required to provide you with a referral to someone who can provide you with treatment. If you haven't already done so, I'd recommend that you explicitly ask for a referral."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there anything I can do about my therapist blocking my psychiatric services?", "questionText": "I had a dispute with my therapist regarding an appointment cancellation. Now, she is blocking me from seeing other psychologists at the same clinic (which takes my insurance), which is also where I get my psychiatric services. There is a strict 48 hour cancellation policy, and my appointments are at 3:00 on Tuesday. I called to cancel at 4:30 the previous Friday. I was late, so we contacted my doctor to tell her that I would be out of town. She said I could do a phone in session. The thing is we do double sessions.", "answerText": "My recommendation would be to try to talk to your therapist about this from your description, it sounds like you have a legitimate explanation for missing your scheduled session.Maybe if you could explain that to her she would be willing to work with you.If she is not willing to consider your explanation and if she is not willing to continue working with you, she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "Can I go see a psychiatrist without my dad finding out, even if I am on his insurance?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "It might be possible, but it's difficult.First, depending on how old you are, you might be able to restrict a mentalhealth provider from disclosing your confidential information to your parents. The age at which you can do this is different from state to state (the range is generally anything from age 13 to age 18) Second, even if you are old enough to to be able to tell your provider not to give any information to your parents, they will probably find out if you use their insurance.It seems like you might have a few options. You might want to try talking to your dad about seeing a psychiatrist. He might be supportive. You could also try talking to a counselor or nurse at your school. They could also help you find some confidential options. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I see if a therapist if my mom can't afford it?", "questionText": "I think I have depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and I have anger issues. I told my mom over and over again. She told me she would get me a therapist, but she never did. I just found out that my mom can't afford a therapist for me.", "answerText": "It can be difficult to get counseling if you don't feel supported by family members. There might be a few options. If you are in school, I'd recommend talking to a school counselor or school nurse. They often will be able to help you access freeor affordablecounseling resources in your community. In addition, depending on where you live, it's also often possible to call 211 for referrals to free or low cost counseling services in your area.I'd encourage you not to give up. You are on the right track."}, {"questionTitle": "I told my family doctor yesterday, that I am hoarding my Ativan pills. Is he legally required to tell my psychiatrist or therapist?", "questionText": "I have major depression, severe, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and personality disorder. I had an appointment with my doctor. I was very upset, and I shared with him about that particular drug.", "answerText": "Your doctor might be required to tell your psychiatrist - especially if your doctor is concerned about your safety.It was definitely a good thing that you told your primary care physician about what is going on. I know that must have been difficult to talk about with him. By having that conversation, you are helpingyour primary care physician and your psychiatrist work together to best support your health."}, {"questionTitle": "In the state of New York, is it legal for someone to record a counseling session without telling the counselor or the other person in the session?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "In New York (like most states), the law generally is what's called a \"one-party consent\" rule. This means that in most cases it is legal to record a conversation as long as consent has been granted by at least one person involved in the conversation.It probably would not be illegal for a client to secretly record a counseling session without the consent of the counselor. Since only one person's consent is required, it would be sufficient that the client consented.On the other hand, it would probably be illegal for a third party to record a counseling session without the consent of the counselor or the client.Similarly, it would be a violation of ethical standards (and maybe a violation of law) for a counselor to secretly record a session without the client's consent."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I, a LPC, start an online practice?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "This is a great question - especially since technology assisted counseling is definitely the current growing edge of the field.There are a few things you'll want to look into before starting an online practice:1) Check out your state laws regarding online counseling - keep in mind there are different terms used in different states Including \"technology assisted\" or \"distance\" counseling. So it might take a little searching to find your state's rules. Some states have extensive regulations regarding the scope of practice, informed consent, documentation, etc. Other states do not have any specific laws or policies regarding online counseling at all.2) Next, it's a good idea to review the 2014 ACA code of ethics and the 2015 AMHCA code of ethics. Both have extensive new sections addressing the ethics of online counseling.3) Lastly, you'll need to look into the law in the state(s) where your potential clients are located. This is really important since nearly every state considers counseling to occur in both the location of the client and the location of the counselor. For example, New York has a law that specifically requires any counselor who is providing online counseling services to a client in the state to be licensed by New York."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "There are typically three reasons why therapy is terminated:1) Client has met therapy goals2) Client is not progressing3) Therapist is not a good fit for clientIn order to properly assess whether therapy is helping and what progress is being made, the therapist needs to have ways of consistently checking in with clients sessions-by-session to determine what is helping, what isn't, and where the client is at in relation to their original therapy goals. When a client has met their goals, that is a good time to end counselling sessions unless the client has new goals or simply wants to check-in periodically to make sure that they are still on track (sometimes referred to as relapse prevention).When a client is not progressing, and feedback has been taken and attempts have been made to make the therapy more helpful for the client but to no avail, than it is considered unethical to continue to work with the client. In these circumstances, referring out to another therapist who may be a better fit is a good idea."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "It is usually time to end counseling sessions when it is clear to both the client and the counselor that therapeutic goals have been reached and enough improvement has been made that the client can continue without that support. There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part this is when counselors begin termination. For some clients, this is an easy process that marks the achievements they have made in working through their emotions and difficulties. For some other clients, however, this is a difficult process in which they are losing a valuable support and are understandably anxious about what life will be like without the frequent meetings. Ultimately, termination is different for everyone, and there are many ways that termination can be healthy and helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "Hopefully both the client and counselor would together decide when to terminate counseling sessions. It's really helpful for the client to leave counseling with a solid sense of what he or she has accomplished in counseling, so it can be a good idea to spend some time acknowledging that in the last session or sessions. Sometimes, however, a client has needs beyond the scope of the counselor's expertise. That's a good time for a conversation about those needs and ideas of how best to meet them, whether by adding in care with an additional mental health professional or transferring care entirely to a new mental health provider."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "From the very beginning of counseling sessions I emphasize that the work will and must end at some point.In counseling there is an arc to the process. A beginning, middle and end.I am always digging, searching and exploring.There comes a point where things come to there natural ending.I always leave an opening for continuing counseling in the future. At least as a check in."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "There can be many reasons why?Client has reached their goals they hired the coach/ counselor forClient is not progressing or taking a path forward.Client is not a good fit"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "For most: When the money/insurance runs out.When best: When the job is done... and you're feeling much better."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "To be able to identify a clear ending to a counseling relationship, we must have a clear understanding of the goals and limitations of treatment. Usually, during the initial evaluation, I identify my clients short term and long term therapy goals. As therapy progress, we verify goals on a monthly to a quarterly basis, depending on the frequency of the appointments. Once the therapy goals have been met, there is a closing session, the counseling relationship is ended, and the client can stop attending sessions. In some cases, the client can also establish new goals and determine if I am a good fit for their therapy needs or if they need a new provider, in which case I provide multiple referrals.The counseling relationship could also end due to other factors like noncompliance= when a client is not committed to the agreed treatment process, or when the clients or a counselor violates the counseling relationship. Either the counselor or the client is able to end counseling. Although, as mental health providers we need to provide a reason for terminating our therapeutic relationship and referral options, as a clientno explanation is needed, a closing session is highly recommended. Cmo termina la terapia?Cmo un consejero decide cuando terminar las sesiones de consejera o terminar de trabajar con un paciente?Para poder determinar el final de la relacin del consejero, debemos comprender las metas y parmetros de la terapia. Usualmente durante la evaluacin inicial se identifican metas a corto y largo plazo con el cliente, y se discute con el cliente como esas metas sern alcanzadas. Durante el proceso de terapia el consejero revisa las metas mensual o trimestralmente dependiendo de la frecuencia de las citas. Ya que las metas de terapia son alcanzadas, hay una sesin de cierre y el cliente puede terminar la terapia. En algunos casos el cliente puede identificar nuevas metas para la terapia y determinar si el mismo consejero u otro consejero le pueden asistir. La relacin de consejera tambin puede terminar por no conformar o violentar los parmetros establecidos para la terapia. Tanto el consejero como el cliente pueden terminar la relacin de terapia. Como proveedores de salud mental los consejeros estamos obligados a proveer un razn para la conclusin del tratamiento y proveer referidos segn aplique, los clientes no necesitan proveer una explicacin, aunque es recomendable discutirlo en una sesin de cierre."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "As a therapist who believes in client self-determination above most other elements of the process, I want to as much as possible leave it up to the client to determine when they are finished. In the case of a termination because a client's distress has resolved, I might periodically check in with the client about how therapy has been going, and if we want to re-evaluate where we are.The more unfortunate situation would come about if I felt that I wasn't the best fit for the client. I would offer that in words, and ideas of therapists (with names) of who I thought might be a better fit and why. It still is up to the client whether to continue, however should they want to keep seeing me, a part of the work would be about that want (to see someone who professionally doesn't believe they can help as much as someone else.)I also find it perplexing when I hear a client (or on a personal level) tell me that their therapist said they \"didn't need therapy.\" I don't know that I buy into that scenario all that much, because I do believe that yes, not everyone NEEDS therapy, but that everyone CAN benefit from therapy and I don't believe it is the therapist's job to deter someone from ever seeking out help of any kind."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "Ideally, termination should be a mutual process. It's not that the therapist kicks the client out at some point and says, \"Okay, you're done.\" Rather, over time the client will decrease the frequency with which he/she comes to session so that it may start off as weekly, then decrease to biweekly, then perhaps once every three weeks, then once/month and so on. Throughout this process, the therapist and client should have had regular check ins about progress toward goals. If the client feels good about where he/she is in life, he/she might decide to suspend therapy for now. That being said, the therapist should make it very clear that if the client ever decided to return for \"maintenance\" therapy or a check in, he/she would always be welcome.There is no hard and fast rule to ending or a particular time period in which it must end. What matters most is that the client feels good about it and knows that the therapist will always be there should he/she wish to return."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "For a therapist, deciding to end counseling sessions or terminate working with a client is a thoughtful and intentional decision. One that is not entered into lightly.While there are many considerations counselors take into account, to help answer this question, I'll offer an example of two areas that counselor's take into consideration when ending counseling sessions:Does the client need different or more specialized care than the current counselor can provide? This requires the counselor to determine whether referring the client to another therapist or health care provider is needed.And, has the therapeutic relationship reached treatment goal(s)?While this question is specific to the counselor, I'd like to also add that a client, at any time, can end counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "In general, I usually let the client decide when this should occur, sometimes with some clients it will be a joint agreement, but even in that case it should weigh mostly on what the client feels. In short, therapy ends when you feel your done.C"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "I will work with clients and continually review progress with them and determine if counseling is helping. If a client appears to have less to talk about in sessions, appears more stable for a period of time and has reached therapeutic goals I will talk about termination. Some clients however I may continue with on a monthly or bi monthly process to allow for check-ins to see how they are doing and if they need more help at that time."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "There are several reasons for a counselor to decide to end counseling. A major reason to end counseling is if the counselor feels that he or she does not have the skills or experience to work with the client. This may happen during the intake process or after working with the client for some time. If the clinician feels that the client is not benefitting from the therapy, it is ethical to suggest that the client terminate the therapy. The process of termination must not injure the client and, if necessary, the clinician may need to refer the client to other treatment modalities. Another reason to terminate working with a client is if the client needs a higher level of care. If the client has a crisis or is at risk of hurting himself or someone else, he or she may need a higher level of care. In this circumstance, the clinician may need to involve outside services such as a crisis unit. A third reason to terminate with a client is if the clinician feels that he or she cannot remain professional with the client relationship. For example, if the issues that the client is working on bring up something significant for the clinician and the clinician feels that he is unable to separate that from the professional relationship. In this instance, the clinician should refer the client to another therapist. Finally, if the client has reached her goals for therapy and no longer needs treatment, the clinician and client should terminate treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "Counseling ends when the client has received the maximum benefit from the therapist. Even if the therapist believes the client is not making progress, the client may feel they are improving and receiving a benefit. And the therapist may see a benefit and the client does not. It is best to have ongoing dialogue with the client to determine when termination is appropriate."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "In the best case scenario, it's a mutual discussion and decision. If not, I've had the discussion initiated both ways, by me, when I sense the client has gone has far as they want, by lack of interest in accepting or completing homework assignments, missing or cancelling appointments, usually at the last minute, lack of participation during sessions. Client initiates by asking me pointed questions about why the need for homework assignments,, by forgetting their calendar, or their checkbook :) , by suggesting that we make appointments over longer intervals (once a week to once a month, for example). I rarely have had to terminate a working relationship--that's why I don't charge for the first visit, so we know if we are a good fit before we start working together. Then I periodically ask whether the client feels we are making progress, moving in the right direction, talking about the most relevant issues etc."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "In my therapy practice the decision to end therapy is mutually made together with the patient.Otherwise, the person can end up with a sense of tremendous rejection and abandonment.The way you'll both know therapy is coming to a close is that the discussion will feel lighter and move easily.The person's mood will be better, they will smile more, sit in their seat in a more relaxed way, look more at ease, take better care of their appearance.One of the ways to end therapy is to gradually decrease the frequency of the sessions.Sometimes people who are in my practice start to come each three weeks, then monthly, then every three months.This gives a sense of security, friendliness, and casualness to the therapy, and de-medicalizes it as though the person was treated for a medical symptom and the symptom stops completely one day.Talk therapy is about life and life problems usually end gradually.I end my therapy in a way which mirrors the life process in which many interaction and situation problems show their effects gradually and show different effects over time."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "Hi there,There are a number of reasons why a therapeutic relationship might end including, but not limited to the client reaching their goals, the client reaching a place of acceptance where they wish to remain or even a breach within the relationship. The last aspect should likely be taken to supervision in order to be fully processed. All of these things could happen, and usually happen organically (again, except for the last example).Your question, however, was about the counselor ending treatment. This is a bit more difficult and can be very nerve-wracking. It may be beneficial to take this with you to supervision, as well. It's important to understand why you feel the need to end or terminate with the client, as well. Do you feel that they would be better suited for another therapist, have they achieved their goals or is it something else?In regular, open-ended sessions, I try to make a point of checking in with the clients fairly frequently. In these check-ins, I use the time to ask the client how they feel about the sessions and if there is anything they wish to focus on more astutely. I also ask if they have any immediate goals that they would like to prioritize. In goal-oriented sessions, I check in more frequently to ensure that both the client and I remain focused and, should they wish to shift their focus, that they recognize it is part of my responsibilities to make sure we move back to the desired goal.Often, especially in longer term therapeutic relationships, we as clinicians can see that the client has reached their goal, however they are apprehensive about ending therapy. This is actually a great place to go with them; why would they feel unable to handle issues in their external or internal environment without you? Often, having this open discussion can increase empowerment and mastery. That said, it could also highlight other issues which the client may have been apprehensive about going into within therapy and now, as the relationship seems to be ending, feels more confident in bringing these up.In the case where the relationship is a toxic one, terminating with a client may be the best option for both of you. It's a difficult conversation, but recall that part of the role of the therapist is to model that these discomforts can be managed.I hope that this brief response can assist you going forward!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling end?", "questionText": "How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?", "answerText": "This is a question that is very specific to each person. There are definitely some variables, but I can give you some general ideas for when counseling might end:When a client has met all of their goals, at least to a degree when they feel that they no longer need to work on them with the assistance of a counselorSometimes a decision is made that a client is no longer benefiting from counseling at a certain timeSometimes clients have to remain in counseling in order to receive medication. This depends on agency policy, but sometimes it is a requirement. If the medication is necessary and cannot be prescribed by a primary care physician, frequency of sessions is usually decreased greatlyI'm not sure why you are asking this question, but it is also something that is often discussed at the beginning of treatment. Oftentimes \"discharge goals\" change as treatment progresses because more is known about clients, their goals, changes in their goals, and many other things. Changes are normal, but your counselor probably has discharge goals in mind, at least generally, from the beginning. I strongly encourage you to ask about it!"}, {"questionTitle": "My therapist betrayed my trust", "questionText": "My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "I'm sorry to hear that this hashappened.Counselors are legallyand ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests.In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage ofa client financially.A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselorpays it back) wouldusually be considered to be taking advantage of the client.There are a few options you have at this point ifyou can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let themknow what has happened.An investigator will then look into the situation for you. Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation."}, {"questionTitle": "My therapist betrayed my trust", "questionText": "My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Do you want this therapist to have your credit card information?If not, then cancel the credit cards that you believe may now be accessible to this therapist.Therapists are expected to keep very clear boundaries between the therapy work and not have other relationships, such as \"friend\" or \"money lender\" with someone who is their patient.Therapists are never \"friends\" with their patients.Letting you believe that you are the therapist's friend, is a violation of professional ethics and almost definitely, a violation of the Consumer Protection laws in your State.Start by dropping this person as your therapist. He has broken too many ethical standards to be worthy of offering therapy.Think over if you'd like remaining friends with this person, whom you describe as lacking integrity and stealing from you.If you need help getting back money from him, then contact the police and talk to a detective about what has happened so far. The detective will advise according to the laws in your community and State, whether to file a police report, and what steps are necessary to utilize the Court system to get back your funds.If you'd like doing future patients who may be treated to similar ways by this therapist, a favor, go online and file a complaint with the therapist's Licensing Board.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "My therapist betrayed my trust", "questionText": "My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "Therapists, regardless of the discipline (i.e. licensed professional counselor, social worker, psychologist) are expected to put the health and well-being of the client first. Each professional discipline does have a code of ethics as well as a licensing board in each state. In order to get licensed the therapist must agree to abide by the highest standards of conduct including state, local and federal regulations in addition to the code of conduct. You do have the option of reporting this person to the appropriate licencing board in your state. The other concern is if this person has unauthorized access to your credit card. If you did not give it to him or authorize use this becomes a legal matter that you can also report to the legal authorities in your city or town. Therapy and counseling are effective because professionals gain the trust of the client. Betrayal of that trust by crossing boundaries and developing a relationship outside the therapist/client relationship is hurtful. Please know that the vast majority of counselors are highly ethical individuals who put the welfare of the client first."}, {"questionTitle": "I'm in high school, and I want to be a psychologist", "questionText": "I just wanted to get to know one so I can hear about their college experience and the courses they took. I also wanted to know if they enjoy their job and how long they were in school.", "answerText": "It's a great idea for you to reach out to find a psychologist to talk to if this is a field you might be interested in pursuing.Regarding the length of schooling, it generally takes 4 years of college and an additional 4 to 7 years of graduate school to earn a doctorate degree to become a psychologist.There are also other similar professions, including counseling that don't require a doctorate degree. Licensed counselors generally completed 4 years of college and an additional 2 years of graduate school.If you are thinking about a career in psychology, the local APA chapter would be a good place to start to find a local psychologist to talk to. Here's a link to the NJ APA chapter:https://www.psychologynj.org/"}, {"questionTitle": "I'm in high school, and I want to be a psychologist", "questionText": "I just wanted to get to know one so I can hear about their college experience and the courses they took. I also wanted to know if they enjoy their job and how long they were in school.", "answerText": "Mental Health is an exciting and rewarding field. I hear you saying that you want to be a psychologist, and that is one path to working in mental health. You could study psychology,social work or counseling to become a practicing therapist. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate and a Licensed ClinicalAddiction Specialist. I currently provide assessments and supervise several counselors in a large clinic in Asheville. I also have a private practice online. I studied Sociology and Interpersonal Communication as an undergraduate, and then I received a counseling masters degree. My master's degree was comprised of several supervised practice courses and theory courses. I really enjoyed my education, and I find my career equally rewarding and enjoyable. If you are considering working in the field, I recommend emailing several counselors, social workers, and psychologists in your area and setting up an informational interview. Not everyone you contact will be willing to give you their time, but many may. This will help you determine which path to therapy may be right for you. Licensing restrictions and abilitiesvary state to state and a local practitioner may be able to provide you with a specific list of challenges/triumphs about their particular license and education. Psychologists are usually PhD level practitioners and require more education to begin. LCSWs , LPCs and LMFTS can practice with a master's degree. Best of luck! This is an exciting time."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas?", "questionText": "I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?", "answerText": "This is a great question.In general it is not appropriate for counselors to accept gifts from their clients.There are some exceptions to this general rule - including a recognition that there may be a valid cultural aspect to this type of gift giving.It might be best to simply offer your counselor a holiday card as an expression of your feelings. You could also talk to your counselor about the gift and ask if him it if would be appropriate.In the end, I know he would most appreciate just knowing how much the counseling meant to you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas?", "questionText": "I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?", "answerText": "I don't think it's appropriate to give your counselor a bottle of wine. Your counselor helped you and supported you, which is great, But a gift is inappropriate. I can understand that you want to show your gratitude. There are many other ways to do that. You could drop your counselor a note or card, thank him in person, or tell him how much he helped you. These small gestures can be very meaningful for both of you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas?", "questionText": "I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?", "answerText": "Hi,Different therapists are guided by the ethical guidelines of their own associations or colleges when it comes to receiving gifts, so this may differ a bit from therapist to therapist. It's important to me that I be sensitive to cultural norms, and to my client's needs. In Canada, and the US, it is customary for people to sometimes express gratitude with a small gift, and I have from time to time received small tokens of appreciation because I believe it would be rude to refuse this. It is never necessary to give a therapist a gift, but if you wish to express your gratitude in this way, I don't think it's inappropriate."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Generally speaking therapists are obligated to help their clients connect with a new therapist should they require ongoing support and the therapist is no longer able to continue working with them. This may simply mean that the therapist provides some names and numbers for other therapists or agencies that may be appropriate for your child.If the therapist is leaving one practice for another and is able to continue seeing the client than that may be arranged and is often the most desired outcome for the sake continuity. Sometimes partners or employers in the original practice may expect and require clients of the practice to be transferred to another therapist within that practice instead of being taken to a new practice."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I would recommend other providers who accept your insurance. Once you choose, I would ask you to complete a release of information so I could discuss your child's case and send records so that the new therapist is aware of the general treatment issues."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Hello Largo,This is a great question. There are several options when a therapist is transferring to a new practice. If the practice is in the same general area and the therapist does not have a non compete agreement they can let clients know where they are going. Generally if a therapist has a planned exit from an agency or practice they will inform their clients, and offer or provide transition sessions or suggest new therapist options. At times, unforeseen events arise and and there is no transition process with the therapist. While this situation is not ideal for any client, it does provide an opportunity to utilize learned coping strategies and resilience."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "There may be differences in Sate laws, and differences based on the particular license of the therapist, on this question so try googling your question for your State.Generally, the therapist should have given you whatever the standard practice is for your State, notice in advance. And, the therapist was expected to tell you and write you their care plan for the child patient.Are you the parent who is legally responsible for this child?If not, then the therapist may have already communicated properly with whoever is the legal parent responsible for the child.Also, insurance corporations who have contracts with particular therapists, have their own timeline standards of expecting therapists to give proper notice in advance of leaving a practice."}, {"questionTitle": "What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Ask the therapist first. They will either tell you how to continue with them in the new job or give you a referral. They also will help your child with the transition. If that fails, ask the agency where your child sees the therapist about next steps. There's an agency director or equivalent who will probably be happy to help you.If that fails, and I hope it doesn't, consider finding a therapist on your own. If the therapist is not helping or is behaving unethically, contact the state agency which issues the therapist's license for help and to let them know about your experience. That will protect the next parent. Good luck. ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)"}, {"questionTitle": "What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "When terminating employment, counselors need to make sure they don't abandon their clients.There are several ways a counselor can avoid abandoning a client. First, the counselor can refer the client to another clinician at the place of employment. Second, the counselor could refer the client to another clinician outside of the place of employment. Third, the counselor could continue to work with the client in the new place of employment.In the end, the best interest of the client should be the the basis for which option is selected."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I get a new therapist?", "questionText": "I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist.", "answerText": "It can be really frustrating to feel like your counselor is not providing you with the help you need.My recommendation in a situation like this would be to let your counselor know how you feel. Specifically tell Your counselor that you don't seem to be getting the amount of feedback you would like.If this doesn't help, then you might want to look for another counselor who will be a better fit for you."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I get a new therapist?", "questionText": "I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist.", "answerText": "Hi Anaheim,Relationships with therapists have some things in common with other relationships; they work best if there is dialogue about what your hopes, thoughts, emotions and needs are. Are you letting your therapist know what your goals are? It's okay to say \"I'd really like us to focus on this piece\", or \"I'm looking for specific direction about how to manage this part\". Your therapist is wise if they ask questions that determine what your needs are, but they can't read your mind.Not every therapist will be a good fit for you. I know I'm not a good fit for everyone I meet. We have different styles; some are more passive and focus on listening. This might be the type of therapist you have. For some people this is what they want, but maybe it's not for you. Maybe you want someone who digs at you more, asks more questions, gives you strategies, lets you know what they think... someone more active. If this is the case, it doesn't mean s/he's a bad therapist...it's just not what you're looking for.Sometimes people think they can't end sessions with their therapist; they might be worried about hurt feelings. But, in the end, you don't owe your therapist anything if you feel it's not working or it's not a good match. Just move on and try someone new. Maybe ask them questions first about their style, even.Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I approach my doctor about seeing a therapist?", "questionText": "I'm worried I should see a therapist due to past events and current mental status. I'm just so unsure of how to ask my doctor about seeing someone.", "answerText": "Having this kind of conversation with a doctor can feel difficult. But remember, you are the expert on you. Any good medical professional will recognize that.You are absolutely right to think about the importance of being your own health care advocate. Generally, the best approach is simply to be honest. Let your doctor know what you are concerned about and tell your doctor what you think might help. If there is a specific issue that youd like to address in counseling, let you doctor know about it. And dont hesitate to directly ask for a referral.I know this may all feel a little overwhelming. It might help to bring a family member or significant-other with you to provide support when you talk to your doctor. Its great that youve already taken this first step to reach out. Youre on the right track."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I approach my doctor about seeing a therapist?", "questionText": "I'm worried I should see a therapist due to past events and current mental status. I'm just so unsure of how to ask my doctor about seeing someone.", "answerText": "Thanks for your question. I'm glad you realize that you need extra support and are being proactive. Simply explain to your doctor the feelings you have been experiencing and how you feel that speaking with a mental health therapist would be beneficial. However, keep in mind that you do not have to go into detail about your personal feelings. You can simply state that you are feeling down, overwhelmed, stressed, or whatever it may be.I'm sure your doctor will be glad to direct you from there.Best of luck you you! I hope that you will be feeling better soon!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "How can we handle stress in healthy ways? Eat and drink to optimize your health. Some people try to reduce stress by drinking alcohol or eating too much. Try and find if you do certain things or are there triggers when you do. Exercise regularly. In addition to having physical health benefits, exercise has been shown to be a powerful stress reliever. ... Stop using tobacco and nicotine products. People who use nicotine often refer to it as a stress reliever. ... Study and practice relaxation techniques. Taking the time to relax every day helps to manage stress and to protect the body from the effects of stress. Lastly channel your creative energy try my adult coloring book it might help"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "In case you feel some relief to know you're feeling the tone of our times.We live with crumbling of our values which then gives rise to insecurity everywhere. If someone doesn't know what their values are then its difficult to do anything, and right now everyday we hear uncertainty in what used to be our basic assumptions.You're more normal for noticing and feeling stressed than if you imagine life felt fine the way it is!One road to take is to accept that there are no clear roads forward. This means to change long term goals into shorter ones.Also, in general the more focused you can be as to your particular wishes, motivations, interests, and people about whom you care, the greater will be your sense of confidence that your personal world is as secure as it can be for right now.And, it helps too to know that nothing lasts forever, eventually all of what is up in the air will start to land in a much more clear way."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "Part of handling stress is making sure that your perception of the stress is accurate. Sometimes stress can seem more than it really is. One thing that I encourage my clients to do is to ask themselves, \"What is this stressor really about?\" Simplifying stress is a key to minimizing stress and leads to feeling less stressed out."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "Unfortunately we can't escape stress in this life. Some stress is good and it motivates us to take needed actions. Or stress may paralyze us, cause sickness, and upset relationships. Stress affects every area of your life; physical, emotional, social, cognitive and spiritual. You may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach upset, or sleep disruption. It may affect your ability to learn new things or concentrate. Further it may cause you to question previously held beliefs and heighten your emotions. You can take a holistic approach and focus on those 5 realms to reduce your stress. As examples, exercise as approved by your MD to reduce muscle tension and lift mood, journaling or art to channel your emotions, spending time with positive people, staying away from negative people if you can, and be aware of thoughts that increase your stress. This does not need to take a lot of time out of your busy schedule. Taking 3 minutes throughout the day to walk, journal and take deep breaths helps. A therapist can help you identify specific stressors and help you to problem solve solutions."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "As a general disclaimer, in any area of mental health there is no \"one size fits all\" response, as each concern addressed in therapy is unique to you and your life situation. With regard to stress reduction, it can be useful to take an inventory of the emotional, cognitive, and physical manifestations of stress with your psychologist, and to identify the context, history, and triggers related to the stress. This can help in establishing clear treatment goals with well defined targets for stress-reduction interventions, of which there are many. Basic examples of interventions to address manifestations of stress include: cognitive reframing techniques for manifestations of cognitive stress; assertiveness communication training, activity pacing, and mindfulness meditation for emotional manifestations of stress, and good sleep hygiene and lifestyle modifications (e.g., with nutrition, exercise, etc.) for physical manifestations of stress. This is by no means a comprehensive list of interventions, but hopefully will provide a sense of some of the options that could be available for you to work on with your psychologist."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?", "answerText": "There are many causes for feeling stressed out. Between a demanding job, family responsibilities, and everything else that can come up, stress becomes more and more part of our everyday life. One of the best ways to combat the toxic effects of stress on our bodies, social lives, and overall well being is to engage in self-care. But not the self-care that most people think of like vacations or massages. The best self-care is the kind that helps you live the life that you already have rather than escape it. You see, the reason why vacations and massages don't work long term in reducing stress is that they allow you to escape from what is causing the stress without truly fixing it so you just return to what already stressed you out. So, instead you need to find ways to help live with the stressors that you already have. They can be things like creating a more manageable schedule, introducing healthy eating or exercising, financial planning, and even learning a few simple relaxation skills. The key to combatting stress is to make small but consistent changes to your life so that it becomes more manageable and more enjoyable."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "What are five ways to reduce stress?Here Are 5 Important And Effective Ways To Reduce Stress And Anxiety 1.Practice deep breathing exercises2. Just lie down on the floor 3. Focus on an object to help calm your breathing 4. Take a break and listen to some music 5. Smile even when you dont feel like smiling"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "Finding the root of your stress, what stresses you most? Finding techniques to combat that, and many have found release, relief in acupuncture, and emotional freedom techniques."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "Some great stress busters are: any type of physical exercise that you enjoy, journaling, reading, doing things you enjoy by yourself or with others, listening to good music, having a great laugh and good conversation, relaxing and mediating like deep breathing, and trying your best to be in the moment!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "Something different works for each of us.There are the outward answers of self-pampering and making your home and work environment as pleasant as possible.A deeper level way to decrease stress is through exercise or alternative practices like yoga or tai chi.If the stress is more deeply rooted than temporarily feeling irritated for a few days, then give yourself some time to reflect and clarify what the meaning of the stress is to you.Self-understanding and appreciating your efforts to know yourself may decrease stress because you'll be more focused and attentive to who you are. This will influence you overall to make good decisions for yourself and these will naturally be ones which decrease stress as much as possible."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "Our body reacts to stress typically by breathing more shallowly, increasing our heart rate and tensing our muscles - so one thing that I find really effective is to try to do the opposite of that, which sends the signal to our mind that we are relaxed. So that means, taking slower, fuller breaths and trying to relax any areas where we might be gripping our muscles. Check out meditation apps such as 'Breathe', which can talk you through a relaxing breath exercise. I recommend using the app daily, whether you feel stressed or not, and then also using it when you re feeling particular moments of stress - that way you are practicing the skill when you feel calm(wish) and it'll be ready and able to help you when stress hits hard."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I be less stressed?", "questionText": "I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?", "answerText": "Learn how to meditate. I recommend a Mindful Based Stress Reduction MBSR program."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I relieve stress and find balance?", "questionText": "I'm in my late 20s. I have two jobs right now, I'm in school, and I feel like I just have a lot under my belt right now. I get stressed out really easily. I tend to worry and over-think. I'm just worried about money and everything.", "answerText": "A good start is to pay attention to some basic issues: sleep, nutrition, exercise and socially supportive relationships. A great car on an empty tank will not get you very far."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I get aroused when women call me \"gay\"?", "questionText": "Is it a type of fetish, or is it normal?", "answerText": "Maybe it is a way to secretly satisfy your own wish to be or to live life gay."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I have sexual urges for my sister?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Without knowing more details about your personal family dynamics and your age, I am only able to guess.Maybe the reason is because she looks attractive to you. Whether this means anything more than a fleeting fantasy moment or if it is more serious, depends for how long you've felt this way toward her.Sexual urges are sometimes hidden wish to be nurtured. If your sister reminds you of a loving presence then your sexual urge for her may really reflect your need to be nurtured, not necessarily sexually satisfied.Basically, give yourself the mental freedom to let your mind wander as to your own theory on your question.When the find the answer which feels accurate you'll have a sense of having reached your answer."}, {"questionTitle": "Is there a reason I have always been attracted to men much older then me?", "questionText": "I am a young adult, and I was sexually assaulted by an older man when I was a teenager (which has really intensified the guilt/shame). However, I've been attracted to much older men since I was even younger than that.", "answerText": "Sometimes the reason for being attracted to older men is because of growing up with a father who was distant.If you grew up having enough interaction with your dad to know you'd have liked more and didn't receive this, then maybe your longings of childhood are still active within you.It is ok to like older men.Just be sure you're not idealizing them, or anyone else.Because regardless of age, a relationship is based on who the two people really are, not how we'd like imagining them."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with sexual tension?", "questionText": "I have been experiencing a lot of sexual tension with a lot of the guys that I talk to nowadays. I keep imagining having sex with them. I have never had sex before, nor have I had a boyfriend. I feel lonely and empty. I feel like my body is not okay, and I am missing something. I talk to so many boys in school, and I always fantasize about half of them. I want this feeling to stop because it is interfering with my time to study since most of the time, I am busy thinking about sex.", "answerText": "Hi Montreal, I'm glad you wrote. What you're experiencing is normal. We're sexual beings. We have a built-in desire to connect sexually with others, because it feels good, to keep procreation going, and mostly to \"connect\" with other people, because connecting with others makes us feel fulfilled and valuable. Sexual desire is a healthy part of you. Maybe your body is telling you it wants to dive into that water and taste it instead of just staring at it? It sounds like you're beginning to explore yourself sexually, and that's okay.At your young age, you also have another innate burning desire, and that is to know yourself. I see both of these desires burning and competing in you. It's a bit of a crazy time...you want to connect with others but you're not sure who you are or what you want from them. You want to know yourself but you can't learn about yourself in a vacuum.It's okay to trust your instincts. It's okay to connect sexually with others, as long as you're preventing disease and pregnancy and you know how to protect your boundaries. But even as I write this, I think maybe I'm being controlling and overprotective of you; it's your body and you're in charge of what happens to it! (But I do want you to be safe...whatever that means to you). Maybe talk to someone you trust.With each encounter you have with other people (sexual or not), you will learn more about yourself and what you want, both sexually and just in relationship or friendship. You will develop a sense of who you are.Have you tried to get to know yourself sexually? This is a super place to start, and knowing how your own body works can give you confidence when you eventually connect with others. When you explore your own body, what feels good? What brings you to orgasm?I wish you well as you explore both who you are and how it feels to connect with others safely. :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I get some closure on an experience I regret?", "questionText": "Back in high school, my friend and I used to masturbate around each other. I hate even talking about it now because it's so weird. We didn't even realize how messed up it was at the time. One time, it escalated and we ended up doing it for each other. It wasn't supposed to be a gay thing, but it sure sounds like it now that I talk about it. I pushed this away until it recently came up in my head again. I'm having a lot of trouble.", "answerText": "Writing about your high school masturbation times with your friend, is itself a form of acknowledging the full picture of who you are. You are doing well to reflect on your actions in the truthful way you are doing.Also positive is that you have perspective, that at your age and social maturity, you were innocently doing something that in adult terms, would be considered in a negative way.Maybe through your more mature mind's eye of today, you can feel some compassion and understanding for your high school self. This way your sense of self-judgment may start to dissolve a little bit more."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always get ignored by people?", "questionText": "Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?", "answerText": "You are not alone. SocIal media marketing is and can be tricky. Today to feel validated it is to receive a like , comment or follow. When friends or family members are interacting on their pages but not yours it can be frustrating. Law of Attraction might help. Contact me or visit my profile to learn more."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always get ignored by people?", "questionText": "Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?", "answerText": "Stand in your power and ask for your needs -in this case, an answer-, to be met. You are valid. People often feed off our energy, so exude the energy of standing in your power and making your voice heard. Knowing what you say is worthy of being heard and receiving a response. You could also look into working on your throat chakra which deals with speaking your truth, self-expression, being heard."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always get ignored by people?", "questionText": "Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?", "answerText": "I understand the feeling of not being liked due to not having any responses on the sites you list.More than likely the non-response has less to do with liking you than w liking the way you write your messages.Have you tried asking a question in your posts? This would be one way to invite people to answer your post.When you write, imagine yourself as the reader of the post.If you think about the wording of a question which would motivate you to respond, then this formula will very likely be the same for many others who read your post.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always get ignored by people?", "questionText": "Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?", "answerText": "Sorry to hear your friends aren't responding to you. If these friends are in-person as well as online, perhaps going to them in person and asking talking to them about your concern. Perhaps it's the way you send messages or the way they are receiving them. if they say no, then a simple request to respond to your messages. Measure the result and notice if there are even small differences.Also understand, why this is so important to you. Ask yourself, why it's so important for you to receive these messages from friends. What does it mean when they don't respond."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do I always get ignored by people?", "questionText": "Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?", "answerText": "I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time.I wonder about how your friendships are in person. If you get along well with people and have effective conversations with them face-to-face, there could be some kind of technology-related problem.Have you tried gently talking to people about how you send a message and they didn't answer? If you can phrase it in such a way that they recognize that you are asking for information and not blaming them for not answering you, that could be effective.I'd also encourage you to consider how much this is bothering you. If it is causing a significant amount of anxiety (say, more than 5/10 if 10 is really anxious), I would suggest talking with a local therapist.In the meantime, consider talking about this with someone you trust to whom you can get more details to get a more specific answer."}, {"questionTitle": "Why do some people try to make a joke for everything and laugh at everything?", "questionText": "These \"jokes\" are made about everything. They seem to have the need to say something \"funny\" about everything. It's not funny, just awkward.", "answerText": "I agree, it is awkward when people make jokes about subjects which may not be funny at all. And, if a person only jokes, then after laughing and realizing the person has nothing of themselves to offer, this can also be quite tedious.Realize that you are more aware of human interaction having many levels of expression. You could start avoiding people who irritate you by the way they behave."}, {"questionTitle": "My friends don't put effort into our relationship", "questionText": "It's really hard to not have negative feelings about friends who don't put any effort into nourishing our relationship.", "answerText": "One thing I would ask is \"why are you still hanging with those {friends}?\" A relationship needs to be nurtured by both parties, it is a dynamic fluctuation between two people. I would ask you to question why you continue to remain together as friends, I always believed that a relationship should emit positivity towards all parties involved, if your in a relationship that is one-sided, it is inevitable that it will start to de-compensate. Never travel with the circus, never travel with fools, everything in life should have some positive payout, will things at times be negative, of course they will, but in order to keep something or someone in your life there should be more positivity than negativity.Hope this helps, C"}, {"questionTitle": "My friends don't put effort into our relationship", "questionText": "It's really hard to not have negative feelings about friends who don't put any effort into nourishing our relationship.", "answerText": "Interpersonal relationship (either positive or negatives) need to or more persons who give and receive: attention, dedication, time and communication. But what makes friendships special is that they last trough time, at least with those who we call our true friends, those who know us well and whom we have a special connectionand those from whom we disconnect at times, without fear of losing them.Consider what is that you are going trough yourself and with your relationship, talk to your friend about your concern; let him (her) know that you would like to spend more time together. Plan an activity that you both enjoy or try to discover a new hobby. If your friend is not enthusiastic or engaged, give him (her) some time and focus your energy spending time with other friends or enjoying activities in solitude. After a waiting period, call again to let your friend know how you are and that you are still a friend. If you continue feeling rejected, analyze why you value this relationship so much and consider if its worth to maintain it.Mis amigos no ponen esfuerzo en nuestra relacin.Es muy difcil no tenerles sentimientos negativos a amigos que no se esfuerzan en cuidar nuestra relacin.Las relaciones interpersonales (negativas positivas) necesitan dos o ms personas que den y reciban: atencin, dedicacin, tiempo y comunicacin. Pero lo que tienen de especial las relaciones de amistad es que perduran a travs del tiempo, al menos con los que llamamos nuestros verdaderos amigos, los que nos conocen bien y con quien tenemos una conexin especial, y de quienes nos desconectamos en ocasiones, sin miedo a perderlos.Considera que est sucediendo contigo y en tu amistad, conversa con tu amigo(a) sobre tu preocupacin, djale saber que te gustara pasar ms tiempo juntos. Planifica alguna actividad que les interese a ambos o descubran algn nuevo inters. Si la respuesta de tu amigo(a) no es positiva o entusiasta, dale tiempo y acrcate a otras personas que compartan intereses en comn, o dedcate a hacer cosas que disfrutas en solitud. Despus de un plazo, vuelve a comunicarte para saber como esta, y dejarle su amigo(a) de siempre est ah. Si sientes que tu amigo(a) no tiene ningn inters, buscar hacer nuevas conexiones, y enfcate ms en ti y en otras actividades. Si tu amigo(a) no responde, analiza porque valoras esta relacin, y si conviene mantenerla, aun cuando tu amigo(a) no responde a tus esfuerzos."}, {"questionTitle": "Should I pull away from my best friend?", "questionText": "Because we are on opposite coasts, we try to talk early mornings, but she is constantly interrupted by visitors. I suggested setting aside some time, but she has made it very clear she has no intention of changing her lifestyle. She is also drinking beer every day on antipsychotics.", "answerText": "The answer depends on how satisfied and happy you feel in being part of this friendship.From what you write, there aren't any statements as to what gives you happiness about being a friend to this person.Since you already made a request of. your friend and she isn't following through, you could ask if she is willing to work with your suggested plan.The friendship may take a new format, depending on your friend's response.Its possible to be in contact more spontaneously, when either of you feel like contacting the other.What matters most is your own dissatisfaction with the current relationship status.Even if you change to a, birthday and holiday only conversation, or some other style of interacting, at least it will be the result of the effort from each person, not just one, who is you, designing arrangements which only you are willing to keep."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I repair my friendship?", "questionText": "My best friend and I were pranking her friend, and I told her to tell him that she likes him. She said no, but I forced her. After she told him, he told her that he likes her too. Their friendship is ruined because of me. She won't forgive me, and I feel really guilty. I feel like crying.", "answerText": "In order for your friend to forgive you she'd need to trust you understand the damage you introduced into her relationship with her friend.Its possible if you offer your friend expressions of your empathy toward her over an extended time, possibly she'll forgive you.You're certainly learning relationship lessons on how to treat people and the effect of betraying another person, which will last forever.Maybe this was meant to be the outcome."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I repair my friendship?", "questionText": "My best friend and I were pranking her friend, and I told her to tell him that she likes him. She said no, but I forced her. After she told him, he told her that he likes her too. Their friendship is ruined because of me. She won't forgive me, and I feel really guilty. I feel like crying.", "answerText": "This takes time. I don't know how long it has been, but perhaps if your friend is willing to discuss other things with you for a little while, you could discuss this at some point in the future.Hopefully the true intentions will become apparent (in the idea that it was a prank).Also, I encourage you to look at how this is affecting you and how you feel about yourself as well. If it was meant to be a joke and it did not work, that is not entirely your fault.I wonder how you could forgive yourself for what happened?Are you able to seek what you meant to do compared to what actually happened?Do you notice that not everything that has happened here is in your control?Do you recognize that even though you would like things to be better, if your friend is not ready or willing, you are trying to do your part to make it right?Maybe everyone who is/was involved in this can talk together all at the same time to set straight what is truth and what was misunderstood.I wonder if you can think of your own positive attributes (for example: honesty, compassion, trustworthiness, friendship, good listener, caring) and look at what truly exists within you rather than just one your friend is able to see right now.This can be really difficult for multiple reasons, not the least of which is that it involves more than just you, so it's important to focus on the idea that you can ask these other people who were involved to discuss it, but that is ultimately up to them.Best wishes for looking at the positive parts of yourself and your friendships."}, {"questionTitle": "I have an old roommate who might be a psychopath", "questionText": "I was mentored by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure?", "answerText": "You may intuitively be sensing what many professionals in the social sciences and psychology have already understood.Just Google \"psychopaths and leadership\" and many articles come up about boardroom politics and that psychopaths are very successful in these roles.Theoretically, is it terrible that corporate leadership qualities match those of psychopaths? Well, yes. And, I consider your question as a mark of your sensitive awareness toward other people. Being able to recognize social dynamics, is a strength that you have.Psychopaths know how to be charming and to twist words so that others believe that their own interest is the same as the psychopath's.I agree with you about not being able to change people's minds who are attached to this person's interactions.The only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity, and you have evidence of this, that you contact relevant authorities.No one is allowed to break laws, including psychopaths."}, {"questionTitle": "I have an old roommate who might be a psychopath", "questionText": "I was mentored by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure?", "answerText": "It doesn't really matter what the actual diagnosis is, and whether or not he is an actual psychopath, he has manipulated and lied to you, and that is enough reason for you to stay far away from him. Men (and women) with these characteristics can become violent. They can also make your life difficult by creating financial or legal trouble for you. Again, forget about him, and contact the police if you think he is in a position to harm others."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I stop a bully who adults wouldn't recognize as bullying without speaking to the bully?", "questionText": "She mostly targets me on social media. The bullying used to be much worse, but it is still going on. The comments are so vague, but I know that they are meant for me. Even when I confront her, she messages me short phrases to try to get in my head. If I try to fight back, she will ruin me.", "answerText": "Sorry to hear of your problem situation. Feeling intimidated by another person is very unsettling.Stop having contact with the person.Bullies only interact with others either by intimidating someone or by themselves feeling intimidated by someone.Bullies do not have the same dynamics as everyone else.No one can convince or persuade or talk a bully out of their behavior.The best protection for yourself, assuming you are not being physically threatened by the person, is to close contact with them.This does not take away any of the disappointment or sadness of wishing for a better relationship with the person.Until the bully wants to interact differently with others, only harm can result from contact with them.Step one is to stop the bleeding, then to assess and learn to live with not having the person in your life."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I trust others?", "questionText": "I'm having problems shutting them out and putting up walls.", "answerText": "It sounds like you would like to let other people get close to you and at the same time you are finding yourself compelled to keep people at a distance. Often times, when we have difficulty trusting others, it is because we have specific fears about what would happen if we get close or let our guard down. Such fears may be rooted in past experiences in relationships in which we were hurt and or disappointed. In working with a therapist, you can gain insight into what is underneath your compulsion to put walls around yourself and develop ways to form authentic, lasting, satisfying relationships with others."}, {"questionTitle": "The girls at my coming-of-age party don't like their dresses", "questionText": "I'm having a quinceaera, and the girls don't like their dresses. They never told me, and now it's a week away. I don't know what to do.", "answerText": "How did you find out that the girls aren't happy with their dresses?Did you hear this directly from one of them or is this third hand information that someone else told you about one of the girls in your party?The answer matters because gossiping instead of directly telling you about a problem, is a problem in itself.I suggest a conversation with the entire group of girls in which you tell them how you actually are feeling about their opinions about the dresses.One topic you may consider bringing up is what everyone expects to get out of the party. Are they coming because they like one another and wearing a dress in which the girl is happy, is only one way of having fun together?You may learn a great deal as to the difference in values about a quinceaa among you and your friends.I hope you'll have a fun party!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Staying present is an attitude most of us aspire to, and most of us have to work at itcertainly at first. Im here to tell you that living in the now or being mindful is a skill anyone can learn. Unfortunately, the only way to do it is to do it. What a paradox! But there are plenty of other skills that we are not born with: walking on stilts, riding a bike, swimming, and driving a car are good examples. You cant learn them by reading about them.Having said that, I can recommend two books on the subject: Eckhart Tolles The Power of Now and David Richos When the Past is Present. Richo asks that we dont beat ourselves up about dwelling on past events. This is natures way of reminding us that we have unfinished business. But while we are attended to the wounds and confusion that litter our earlier lives, we can prepare to inhabit the expanded present that awaits us.He offers three helpful steps to making any important life change:Step One: Hold in awareness the behavior, belief, attitude, or characteristic you want to change in yourself and how you want to be different. Awareness is the opposite of distraction and stuffing.Step Two: Live as if you have already made the change. (This is hard and takes courage, but you can do it. Ride that bikeeven if for a foot or two.)Step Three: Be persistent. (Practice, practice, practice.)Just as two-year-olds are able to walk confidently after hundreds of hours of practice, youll be able to stay in the here and now as long as you want after trying and failing many, many times."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Would you describe yourself as sensitive to your surroundings and emotions?If yes, this may explain why letting go of past problems, is itself a problem.The dynamic of living one day at a time and letting go of past problems, is more imaginary and wishful than real.It is a popular notion of TV, FB, and media.Doing the letting go, has nothing to do with what is actually possible to do.Problems are not \"let go\", they are resolved somehow.Living one day at a time isn't possible for anyone who has consciousness. No one can really disconnect from reality every day on which they wake up.Instead of trying to do the impossible which is promoted online and in media, allow yourself time to recognize what went into creating a problem in your life, in the first place. Understanding problems leads to peacefulness and resolution. Then you will have more freedom to make new relationships.Also, be patient with this process and yourself.If you have deep attachment to painful situations in your life, then possibly now is your time for understanding what went wrong.This is a process which cannot be rushed if it is to be done well.If it is done thoroughly, then you very naturally will bring new relationships into your life.And life will no longer feel so painful that you can only manage \"one day at a time\" without hurting. You won't need to forget what happened yesterday."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Hi Chapel Hill,I like your goal; research is telling us more and more that one of the most important keys to happiness is having healthy relationships. If we feel successful in that area, it can give us the confidence and hope to tackle anything life throws at us.There are personal barriers we all have to having healthy relationships; it's our \"stuff\", our \"baggage\" (not a steam trunk, right...you have a cute little Gucci bag!).You hint that people may have hurt you in the past. Maybe fear says \"stay away...hold onto resentment or you will be hurt again!\". Resentment, or simply focusing on the past is certainly a barrier to improving any relationship. Learning to forgive ourselves and others is so important. And remember...forgiveness isn't about saying something was okay; it only means \"It happened, I can't change that, and I don't want to carry it (anger, hurt, resentment) around anymore, so I let it go.\"Or...sometimes fear tells us that people won't accept us; this keeps us isolated for sure! But really, all fear wants is power over us.Fear is a trickster! It tells us that if we let go of the past, we will be rejected or hurt. It says \"I'm trying to protect you!\", but what it REALLYwants is to paralyze and isolate us all so it can feel powerful. Once you pull thesheeps clothing off of fear, you can see that it doesn't help you at all!Once you see where your personal barriers are, and you start to refute those thoughts in your mind, you can begin to build new ideas about yourself and other people that are based on compassion instead of fear...Everyone deserves forgiveness and compassion.No one deserves to be judged by their worst moments.If I look in the rearview mirror, I can't move forward.We are all beautifully imperfect.I can't change the past, but I have the power to make the future good.I wish you the best on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Take one day at a time!!! Each day do things that make you happy, moves to a positive place, focusing on the future, give you a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment. Journal at the end of the day of how well you did that day in focusing on these things. Each day should be a step better than the previous day. You will have days that you didn't do as well....that is human and OK. Just get back on track the next day....At the end of the week, review how well you did and give your self a grade. If did well, you deserve ice cream, etc. If not so good, OK....tell yourself next week \"got to focus one day at a time\". You can do it....it takes practice but will get better each day, I wish you happy days and happy future..."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?", "questionText": "I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.", "answerText": "Remember, the past no longer exists and the future is just an illusion as we don't know what will happen tomorrow, so take the present as your guide. That is all we can do, so keep saying this to yourself and try to help someone each day. The happiness is helping others to feel a bit better."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I become more understanding?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "I like your beautiful question!Start by understanding yourself and your own inner knowledge of who you are and what direction your life must take in order for you to feel comfortable and fulfilled.Understanding oneself is a life long activity, even a necessity so that you are able to sense the truth of another person.As long as you are taking steps in the direction of self-knowing, you will gradually improve and increase the way and the range of understanding of other people and our world.Good luck with your project!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I become more understanding?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Man, I love this goal. We could all use a bit more of this. Sometimes I picture it like a salt shaker. I'll write an email, then I'll read it again from the receiver's perspective and sprinkle a bit more understanding on it, and I always like it better. Understanding...compassion...empathy...the world could use a lot more of these things and I love that you want to do your part.What makes you want to be more understanding? Maybe you want to get closer to someone and resentment is in the way? Maybe you tend to get defensive and have trouble listening to and understanding someone? Whatever the reason, let's get you started by having you write down those things in a list. What things will be better in your life if you have more understanding? Get really grounded in why you're doing this.Then let's look at the barriers. What do you risk if you're more understanding? Do you risk feeling vulnerable? Hurt? Attacked? Powerless? Feeling like you're losing? In therapy, you would get help looking at these questions. What are you avoiding feeling? Once you have this answer, then you can easily move to the next step.The next step is working to tolerate that feeling you're avoiding. Tolerating it, and \"leaning into it\", knowing that it's only a feeling and not a reality...these thoughts can help you relax enough to take that wall down and allow space for other people's truths, not just yours. Once you know where you want to be with your thoughts, it takes practise, repetition, to teach yourself new truths about how safe it is to allow yourself to be more understanding and let the wall come down.It's my guess that, at some point in your life, there was a reason for that wall of yours to be built. Sometimes we build walls as young people and then no one tells us how to take the wall down once we don't need it anymore. We think we still need it.I invite you to consider therapy as you explore these ideas. I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "I feel like my friends are ganging up on me", "questionText": "In this argument my friends are all against me so I'm wondering if I'm exaggerating my feelings. I feel like I'm being attacked and that is making me blow things out of proportion and taking the role of the victim, when in reality I'm the one being unreasonable and I am simply annoying my reasonable friends. Or are they really being insensitive and not respecting me in our friendship?", "answerText": "Conflict is a tricky beast and shows up in everyone of our relationships.What I'm reading is that you find yourself in a loop of seeking validation of your thoughts and feelings from your friends rather than validating yourself. Am I right? If you aren't validating yourself, no one else will be able to either. Try finding a small nugget of truth in the feedback your friends give you, this will help to lower your defenses and help your friends hear what you are really sharing. And then if you are still feeling vulnerable, share that too..."}, {"questionTitle": "My friends accusing me of having problems", "questionText": "They're calling me names like hypocrite and a baby even when they act in the same manner as I do. I'm tired of being called names. What should I do?", "answerText": "It sounds like your confused as to why your friends would be calling you a hypocrite when they act in the same manner, correct? Communication is key to any relationship. I would recommend speaking with your friends face-to-face to address why they feel your behavior is concerning.In-person contact is the best method of sorting out differences considering texts, emails or any written response can be misconstrued. Be upfront with them and let them know that being accused of hypocrisy is hurtful and you feel it is unfounded. If after speaking with them you feel that they have valid reasons for the way they are feeling, maybe you can consider modifying your behavior accordingly. Especially if this friendship is valuable to you. However, make sure they are aware that there is a respectful way to address these issues and name calling is not one of them.On the other hand, if you feel that their reasons are indeed unfounded, it may be best to distance yourself from the relationship. Not all friendships are healthy ones. And it is important that you surround yourself with people who are an asset to your self esteem as opposed to those that hinder it.I hope you are able to get this matter sorted. Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "The child I nanny hates me!", "questionText": "I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?", "answerText": "It seems like you are being extra hard on yourself here!The behavior he exhibits is pretty normal for a three year-old. Sounds like he may feel more emotionally dysregulated upon waking and wants one of his love sources to help him stabilize that. It's probably more instinctual and not personal to you.Give yourself some credit for how things are the rest of the day---that's information that you've done well. You even describe that he \"loves\" you! That's huge!Either way, I'm sure it's jarring to go through that in the mornings. Is there a routine you use to help him make that transition? I don't know what his parents' rules are, but there could be some ways to incorporate some predictable structure. Maybe that means his favorite toy/stuffed animal paired with his favorite cartoon. You seem very caring, so it's probably likely you are already offering some compassionate response to his upset. It may help to have him take a couple deep breaths with you if he's able to help self-regulate. He may not be responsive to that and that's OK. Either way, it sounds like this is only happening upon waking.Another thought--do his parents know this is happening? Maybe they have some ideas about how to help soothe him or perhaps they have some strategies they can use the night before (e.g., talking to him about the emotions of the morning hours).Let yourself off the hook though--you seem to be doing a wonderful job with this kiddo!"}, {"questionTitle": "The child I nanny hates me!", "questionText": "I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?", "answerText": "It doesn't sound like he hates you, just misses mom and dad in the mornings. You could validate his feelings by saying something like \"I know you want to see mom and dad right now, but they are working\" and then give him a couple options of things that may take his mind off of it. This could be choosing what he has for breakfast or playing a game of his choice. If possible, it may also be helpful if you could create a routine in which he stops by mom and dad to say good morning. If this is routine, he will come to understand that he will be able to see mom and dad for a minute and not become anxious about seeing them."}, {"questionTitle": "The child I nanny hates me!", "questionText": "I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?", "answerText": "Be lighthearted, this toddler may not be a morning person! He is most likely wanting to connect with either parent when he arises in the morning. It could be helpful to talk with his parents and establish a routine that he would be comfortable with."}, {"questionTitle": "The child I nanny hates me!", "questionText": "I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?", "answerText": "It is very likely the child is upset by the fact that the parents have left, more than that he hates you in particular.The fact that by afternoon he is happy with you shows more likelihood that he reacts to the parents departure more than who you are."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with bullying at school?", "questionText": "I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?", "answerText": "That's a very difficult situation that you are in. But you are not alone. I have several school-aged clients who find little to no assistance from their teachers at their schools regarding bullying.There are a few options that are available to you to help deal with being bullied at school. One option that I would suggest is for you to talk to your support network. Friends and family can sometimes be good sources of support. Another option would be to speak with us about your counselor, if you have one. And third, there are some excellent online sources of support regarding the bullying at school (www.stopbullying.org)."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with bullying at school?", "questionText": "I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?", "answerText": "Teachers don't do anything about it due to liability of the school (school and faculty would get sued and have claims made against them); wouldn't expect much out of them;Couple things:1) Realize that bullies accuse others of the very crimes they are doing themselves;2) Bullies aren't actually all that weak as others have said, but do not stand up against constant pressure of truth-telling;3) Research yourself, or pay someone, to locate the bully's mother and father, and let them know what you have experienced (by way of text, phone, letter, etc.);4) Access your own mother and father and tell them what you have experienced, and see if they will help;Long term, society must return to a more masculine way of being such that these sorts of troubles are dealt with at the home :)Learn to be man/woman, and watch the magic happen."}, {"questionTitle": "How do I deal with bullying at school?", "questionText": "I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?", "answerText": "To be bullied is very painful.I'm glad you know the bullies are doing the wrong thing and whatever they are telling you is pure meanness.Depending on how independent you feel, why not tell either your classroom teacher or schedule an appointment with the vice principal?Bullying other students is taken very seriously in some states and schools are expected to address the bullying until the victimized student feels safe.If you hesitate to do this on your own, then would you ask either of your parents or even a friend of yours who is also in the school, to report the problem?In case you are afraid the bullies will retaliate for reporting them, then tell this to whatever school authority you decide to ask for help.You're entitled to be protected by your school."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I see my base doctor without my ID?", "questionText": "I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. Im unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?", "answerText": "You should be able to get a replacement ID card either from the Personnel Office on your local base (the actual name of this office will vary depending on which branch of the military it is). You may also be required to go to the Military Police or Security office on base to report the loss of your old ID card."}, {"questionTitle": "How can I see my base doctor without my ID?", "questionText": "I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. Im unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?", "answerText": "Do you have any other form of identification? The first place to stop would be the Visitors Center or whichever department issues passes. They are located outside of the gate so you do not need a military ID to enter. If you have another form of identification its possible that they can give you a pass in order to go and obtain a new military ID.If you do not, you could always ask someone else to sponsor you on (a friend, coworker, etc.) that have military access. Depending on the threat level, they may not need your ID as long as you are with someone that has access. Keep in mind that currently (6/11/15) all military bases are on Bravo which unfortunately means you will need your own ID.Finally, if all else fails, call your doctor and explain your situation. Im sure they would be more than willing to discuss your options.Also, its important to make sure that you report your wallet being stolen if you havent already. Security Forces on base can help you with this and to ensure your ID doesnt get into the wrong hands.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How can I see my base doctor without my ID?", "questionText": "I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. Im unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?", "answerText": "As a prior military spouse myself I can happily report that you have several options in this case. First, you can go to the visitors center and let them know what has happened to get a temporary pass for a new id. Also, you can call the squadron commander or other official from your husband's unit to get them to tell you how to proceed. You can also contact the military personnel flight for more information The best thing is to get a new id as soon as you can. There should be no problems because it was stolen and yu might need to report it to the military police or security forces on base."}, {"questionTitle": "What would happen if I got caught cutting myself in school?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Firstly, I am so sorry for the stressful things in your life that make you feel like you may want to self-harm.There are many ways you can get help, including talking to a friend, family member, school counselor or independent therapist.You can even reach out for free over text to Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741Although it is hard to accurately predict what might happen if someone cut themselves in school, the response could be anywhere from something as minimal as a conversation (unlikely) to as severe as being admitted to a hospital or psychiatricward.It is brave of you to reach out for information and help; please keep doing so, and take good care of yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "I think we all go through a period of time where we think we aren't worth anything. Sometimes these feelings are a result of low self esteem or because of shame. The most important part of dealing with this thought is to separate feelings from reality. \"I don't feel worth anything, but I know what I do is important, I know who I am matters to others. I know I am loved and cared about.\"When you find yourself having these thoughts, stop, take a few deep breaths and try to reframe what you're thinking."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "You are valid. It is very unnerving when thoughts control your life. One way to combat them is to figure out whose voice the words are said in. Oftentimes people say things to us and it stays with us, and it is not often true. We let others opinions penetrate our brains and live rent-free in our heads. You could try to rewrite the thoughts, the negative thoughts, rewrite them in a positive way. For example you are not worth anything you could rewrite that in a way that shows all the ways you are worthy. Write all your accomplishments, and things you have overcome and proof that you are in fact worthy because you are! You can Interrupt the thought, focus, redirect elsewhere. If you are replaying a specific moment you could go back into that moment and retell the moment, rewrite the moment so that it is what you would rather it have been. Your mind does not know anything other than what we feed it. Feed and integrate more positive thoughts and actions into your routine to possibly see a positive change, a change for the better! This video could be beneficial for you Negotiating With Inner Critic"}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Sending your some positive vibes it seems that REBT could be helpful or cognitive therapy. First get a check up to see if there is any under lining medical issues. Medical Intuitive scan or CAT scan. blood tests etc... then go from there. You may need some help chemically then start talk therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Sounds like off the top of my head you are definitely experiencing Automatic Negative Thoughts. They just pop into your head, right? You don't even want them to come. Those are ANTs and the only to get rid of ANTs is to exterminate them! There are so many ways to exterminate them. I wonder where to they reside? Your head, stomach, arms, etc? There's a part of you where they reside. It sounds like it's time to explore those parts of you and to exterminate the ANTs. Connect with someone here. Brainspotting/Bodyspotting Therapy, Internal Family Systems Therapy, Psychodrama Therapy or even inner child work could be very helpful. Hopefully this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "There is nothing wrong with you! Sometimes we get intrusive thoughts that can be worrisome. One things that can be helpful is to identify if there is a trigger to these thoughts - something in your life that makes these thoughts more common (an experience, a person, a place, a situation, etc.). It will also be helpful to try and challenge this type of thinking by focusing on ways in which you are worthwhile as a person and have worth in your life. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) may be particularly helpful with this, also. If you are open to seeing a therapist, find one that does CBT. You can also find resources on CBT online. It focuses on stopping and challenging unhelpful and harmful thinking patterns and replacing it with more helpful and healthy thinking patterns."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "We all suffer from random thoughts from time to time. Being able to manage your thoughts and choose what to think about yourself is something you would learn in counseling. An effective treatment modality for this situation is cognitive behavioral therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "A lot of times the thoughts we have about ourselves are messages we have received from other people and later internalized them. So in that sense, these thoughts are yours and belong to you, but you have received these messages from somebody else. Even though we all receive messages like this at times, it pays to be careful not to ignore other messages we are receiving, such as a loved one appreciating your help or attention, a friend responding to encouragement, or a colleague showing interest in you. I hope this helps."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Those kinds of thoughts can be quite difficult to handle, but if they are your own thoughts (and not voices you are hearing, which can be very different), they likely are not new to you. From what I've learned from clients I work with, often these thoughts have been quite useful for them over the course of their lives, that through criticizing oneself, it is a way of motivating oneself. However, in your case and in most of those clients, it has caught up to them and it's almost like they no longer need the motivation (that they can do just fine motivating themselves by themselves!)I think it's important to see these thoughts as the voice of the \"inner critic.\" That inner critic was there for a long time, again, because \"it\" (I like to identify it as a thing inside of you) thought that you needed motivation in the form of criticism to stay on task with your life. But now that that kind of sentiment is no longer needed by you, it might be time to have a different kind of relationship with it. But it wants to be heard. It doesn't want to silenced (Or \"stopped\" in your words.) So instead of trying to ignore it, perhaps we can see all the ways you are worth something and internalize (take in, let those ways resonate with you, sit with them, think about them) so that the inner critic can see that it isn't quite correct in what it is saying. In essence, you are instead sitting with the thoughts or worthiness instead of worthlessness.If that is challenging, sometimes seeing someone who is objective, such as a therapist, can be helpful. They can help you see the ways in which you are strong, have resilience, as well as any positive attributes that might be hard to see in the face of this loud inner critic. And, above all, if you feel like this doesn't resonate for you, and that the voices might actually be voices, an evaluation should be sought to further tease out what sorts of symptoms you are experiencing."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "We have thousands of thoughts a day. Some thoughts we choose to think, and some thoughts are random as you describe. We can't control the first random thought but as soon as we become aware of it we can make a conscious choice to change the thought. Positive affirmations are messages we intentionally read to or tell ourselves to help us counteract negative thoughts. If you find yourself under stress on some days more than others you may notice an increase of these negative thoughts about yourself. To help you neutralize your negative thoughts and make it more natural to randomly think positive thoughts about yourself you might find it helpful to work with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. This professional can help you build insight into your errors in thinking, help you develop a stress management plan, and provide you with additional tools to boost your self-esteem."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Many people have thoughts like those you describe, and often it feels like someone else is saying it because they are things that may have been said to you when you were very young. When young children hear negative things about themselves they tend to internalize these negative ideas and to form negative core beliefs. The good news is we can learn to stop these thoughts and to replace them with healthier thoughts. The first step is to catch yourself when you are thinking these thoughts, and to stay \"stop!\"; then replace it with another thought. So for instance, maybe you fail a test or get rejected by a romantic interest. You catch yourself saying \"you aren't worth anything\". Stop this thought, and replace it with \"You didn't do as well on that test as you would have liked. Let's figure out how you can do better next time.\" Or \"she may not want to go out with you, but someone else will\". So the idea is to develop a voice of a \"friend\", who can tell you the kind of things you would say to your own best friend. You might also pick up the book, Feeling Good, by David Burns. He gives many tips for how to change Negative Self Talk."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Talking to a licensed profession who can discuss this in greater depth can be best.As a general information, in short, I can say that our thoughts are greatly influencedby our early life experiences. Our thoughts are processed through schemes, these are mental images or templates by which we make meaning of the world around us. While our upbringing has a great influence on the way we see and interact with the world around us as adults, However, we are not condemned to abide by them for life, in psychotherapy, you learn to change negativeschemas with positive ones. Yeah, if you had less than optimal childhood you would have some sort of negative schemas that unconsciously lead to self-sabotage your efforts for success and happiness. The research in the field of interpersonal neurobiology suggests that without conscious awareness and reflective practices we tend to interact with the world by repeating old habits of mind. On the other hand, in psychotherapy you can learn helpfulstrategies to increase your conscious abilities to stay in control of your mind in the present moment and reduce intrusions of negative mind habits.Yoga, meditation, and taichi are also found to increase self-awareness and lessen the intrusions of negative self-judgment on one'spsyche."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Life is beautiful without unwanted thoughts and stress. With proper strategies and tools it is possible to regain control over your thoughts. I guess you are just having \"thoughts\" and not actually \"hearing voices\"? My suggestion is to see a therapist and go from there."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "First off, there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, having random thoughts we feel we cannot control is actually quite common and normal. Sometimes our thoughts think they are protecting us (if we think we aren't worth anything, it won't hurt when we get rejected) but they are actually doing quite the opposite. They are keeping us \"stuck\" and creating a self-prophization. (If I think I am not worth anything, I don't have to try, and I will keep proving to myself that I am not worth anything). There are many techniques to work through and start to change our negative self-talk. There are actually many self-help workbooks that can help with this as well. A technique I like to use is meditation or mindfulness. This can teach us to accept our thoughts (not fight them) and then learn to let them go. Release the power they have on us. If we can learn to release these and not ruminate on them, this will give us the space to allow more positive and supportive thoughts to come in. Mantras can help with this as well (I AM worth a lot, I AM important, I have value). Saying these to yourself everyday over and over (even if at first you don't believe) can retrain our brains to believe it (and allow us to believe it). I have even wrote positive mantras to myself in my bathroom mirror so I am forced to look at these throughout the day.Please remember to not be hard on yourself as you begin to attempt to change the automatic thought patterns. It took a while for you to get where you are and it will take a while for this change to kick in and feel normal. So allow the process to happen slowly and allow yourself to accept you as the amazing and brave person you are."}, {"questionTitle": "Why can't I stop these thoughts?", "questionText": "I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like \"you aren't worth anything.\" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?", "answerText": "Those critical thoughts most likely came into your mind as the way you understood what one of your parents or some other adult who was very meaningful to you, at a very young age.When we are too young to distinguish whether what a grown person tells us, feels accurate, we absorb their opinions as our own.Your question shows you've reached the point of emotional maturity to know that your opinion about yourself is not the same as what is inside your emotional brain and stored there since you were too young to know that someone else's opinions are not necessarily your opinions.Nothing is wrong with you, everything is right with you to wonder how to more firmly establish your own point of view.Start the habit to revise any viewpoints about yourself which don't feel true.Then replace these thoughts with better ones which you decide on your own.After a while of doing this you'll either automatically think the more positive thoughts about yourself or at least be in the habit to know that negative viewpoints about you are not necessarily true."}, {"questionTitle": "How does a counselor diagnose someone with a disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Different Licensed Professionals are trained to use different types of tests and interviews to identify symptoms and draw a diagnosis. In Counselingwe usean interview evaluation that considers person's physical and mental health, plus their social and economical environment in combination with Psychological testing. The evaluation process usually takes the first two sessions, depending on how many persons are interviewed and what type of assessments are provided. Cmo se diagnostica a una persona?Diferentes Profesionales Licenciados estn entrenados para usar diferentes tipos de exmenes y entrevistas para identificar sntomas y diagnosis. En el rea de consejera utilizamos un proceso de entrevista que considera la salud fsica y mental de una persona, su ambiente socio econmico, en combinacin con exmenes psicolgicos. El proceso de evaluacin normalmente toma las primeras dos sesiones, dependiendo de cuantas personas sean entrevistadas y de qu tipo de evaluacin se utilice."}, {"questionTitle": "How does a counselor diagnose someone with a disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "A lot goes into diagnosing for a disorder. It is according to what the provider's assessment from information gathered, reported and observed from the client."}, {"questionTitle": "How does a counselor diagnose someone with a disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "Broadly speaking, assessment tools are used to measure the symptoms related to a variety of disorders.Gathering patient data also includes doing an intake interview usually at the first session. The intake interview is a valuable tool as it leads the way to a diagnosis along with other collected information associated with personal history and the presenting problem. Although counselors work toward arriving at an accurate diagnosis, at the same time, they aspire to not pathologize clients."}, {"questionTitle": "How does a counselor diagnose someone with a disorder?", "questionText": "", "answerText": "The short answer? By observing symptoms.The long answer and reality is that counselors use many tools for this purpose, including but not limited to: self reporting/surveying from clients, diagnostic tools and questionnaires, reports from School, family or other health professionals and social workers, court records, medical records, and the therapist's observation of client's thought patterns, affect, emotions and behaviors."}, {"questionTitle": "How do therapists characterize personality types?", "questionText": "How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.", "answerText": "This is a great question, and I am happy to have the opportunity to explain my approach. When I am determining what type of personality a client has, I take my time and really absorb their lens/ point of view to themselves and others. Determining a personality type takes some time getting to know the person, and building rapport. After taking time to get to know them, and learning about their view they have of themselves and others, it is important to pick-up on more specific personality traits, which comprehensively contribute to a personality type. Clinicians, including myself, often witness certain traits that are enduring and consistent, which indicate a type of personality. For example, if a therapist is noticing that a client is exhibiting traits of organization, needing to be on time, planning, and perfectionism, these traits contribute to the \"type A personality\".In addition to utilizing clinical judgment, clinicians often use personality assessments and follow the guidelines of the DSM-5/ ICD-10."}, {"questionTitle": "How do therapists characterize personality types?", "questionText": "How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.", "answerText": "That's a great question. There is such a wide range of ways to define \"personality\" that it is difficult to identify specific characteristics that are used to identify personality types.That being said, some clinicians will use standardized tests (or assessments) to assess a client's type of personality. While these tests can't tell us everything about a person, they can help us understand where we are within larger groups of different personality styles.Some counselors will also use a diagnostic tool (like the DSM or ICD) to help a client understand a diagnosis that is related to a personality disorder."}, {"questionTitle": "How do therapists characterize personality types?", "questionText": "How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.", "answerText": "Not very well :)So, you got the Jungians, and you got the Big Fiver's, and you got every manner of Ivory-Tower Orc in between, loosening the chains on their drooling, snarling Pet Theories...The real truth is, does it matter? If it does, what does it matter?If it's still of keen interest to you, I would presume that God designed most of his creatures with a \"simpler set\" of personality blueprints; not a complex set as theorized by man;Also realize that this level of reality is dualistic in nature; that means there is two of everything;So, imagine that whatever personalities you observe, and whatever words come to mind, also think of the opposite word, and you'll have a good sense of what actual personalities look like :)Then, share your findings; it'll be pretty neat to see what you come up with."}, {"questionTitle": "How do therapists characterize personality types?", "questionText": "How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.", "answerText": "In my therapy practice I avoid characterizing people except for whether or not they are self-harming or a risk to harm other people.As long as someone is sincerely trying to know more about themselves my work is help the person clarify who they really are and how their true self may be quite different than the life the person created for themselves, based on satisfying other people's standards.In broad terms, personality disorders have stock characteristics which change very minimally over time instead of uniqueness which constantly flows and changes with circumstances over time."}, {"questionTitle": "I think I empathize too much", "questionText": "I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?", "answerText": "Sometimes it's helps to have a name for a problem - it can make you feel less alone as in, \"oh there's a name for this and other people have this experience too.\" On the other hand naming the problem can also make it stick around longer as in \"now I have a special problem that has a special name, and that's an important part of who I am.\"Bottom line, whether it's a disorder or not, you would like life to be easier and not have to be pulled so much by other people's energy and feelings. You might want to try imagining that you have a volume dial on your empathy (just like the volume dial or button on the tv) that you can gently turn down to the point where you still feel what's going on but it's not so \"loud\". You can also try imagining pulling your own energy back as if you were drawing your energy back home to the center of your own body and being, letting go of the other people or characters that pulled your energy out so far. This is a way create better boundaries and protect your own vulnerability. Just like on an airplane where they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else, your empathy will most likely not really help others if you allow yourself to be depleted."}, {"questionTitle": "I think I empathize too much", "questionText": "I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?", "answerText": "It sounds like this would be difficult at times, particularly if you feel misunderstood.You may or may not know that we all have chemicals in our brain. We also have different sections of our brain that become active when different things happen. There is a part of our brain where a lot of our emotions originate that is also designed to protect us when we are going through things that have been physically or emotionally painful in the past, and when that part of the brain is sometimes overactive (perceiving threat when there is no actual threat at the time), sometimes anxiety can develop. This doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has an anxiety disorder, but often if we are afraid of something that is not actually a legitimate concern (for example, most insects are not going to hurt me, but I still do not like them very much), we have anxiety about it.The first thing I thought of when I read your question is that perhaps some part of your brain are overactive. I did find an article that may be helpful to you, but I just want to caution you. Not everything listed here applies to you. Also, the article uses the term \"brain anomalies.\" This does not mean that there is something majorly wrong with your brain. While I cannot tell you exactly what is happening, I'm asking you not to panic over the term and to just consider that perhaps some of the chemical reactions in your brain may be a little overactive, which may be able to be corrected with medication or something similar. I can't tell for certain from what you posted whether or not this is what is happening, but I would recommend that you either talk to your primary care physician or a therapist or psychiatrist.Here is the article:http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2012/09/too-much-empathy/When you meet with your doctor or a therapist, please try to convey how much this is affecting your life.Thank you so much for posting here and I wish you the best."}, {"questionTitle": "I think I empathize too much", "questionText": "I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?", "answerText": "The world needs more people lately who have such a high degree of empathy which you describe in yourself!If it feels a little burdensome, then look to balance what is too much with its opposite. Since you're giving a lot of empathy, maybe you'd like receiving a lot of empathy.In the situation you describe, when you start empathizing with others, real or cartoon, ask yourself whether you've felt empathy coming in your direction lately.Often people give to others what they feel within themselves is missing.The emotional brain reasons that if I give you my support, say, then at least I will feel half of what being supported is like.Obviously the wish to receive more empathy cannot be fulfilled by you directly. Empathy is delivered by someone who is willing to offer it.Reflect on whether you are allowing those who are in your world, to know when you would like to receive their empathy.Is it possible you keep your feelings to yourself and present as though you are able to handle a great deal more than you'd like to handle without anyone's kindness to support you?Being open to others about your own inner thoughts and feelings is much more difficult than it sounds.It sounds easy to just tell someone how you feel.Sometimes the first step is the most difficult, of accessing how you feel.Start with knowing the amount of empathy you'd like from others and what stops you from asking.Also, about your diagnosis and the lack of studies and lists and formulas. Each person is unique, the instructions and guidelines don't necessarily mean very much. Often having a diagnosis makes a person feel weak, stigmatized, incompetent.Forget the diagnosis and concentrate on what you need to do differently in order to feel better.The answers are inside you, not inside a book or website."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist for you is very important and can sometimes be tricky. It can sometimes take a number of sessions to get a good sense of whether you and your therapist are the \"right fit.\" The first couple of sessions are generally spent on gathering information, formulating a plan of treatment, and building the client/therapist relationship. The client/therapist relationship will be very different from other relationships you have experienced. You will know you have found the right therapist when you notice there is agood rapport between the two of you. You will get a sense that the therapist \"gets you\" and understands the issues being presented. If you feel that you can trust your therapist and feel comfortable opening up and providing feedback during your sessions then you know it is a good fit.In terms of \"how to train your therapist how to give you what you need from treatment\" the therapeutic relationship is collaborative so the twoof you will be working together as a team. During your sessions,the goal is for you to feel comfortable giving feedback about what is working and what is not working in your sessions. When you express your needs to your therapist then the two of you will discuss the best ways to get those needs met in order to maximize the effectiveness of your sessions."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding \"the right therapist\" is about both feel and fit. A skilled therapist should be at a minimum 2 things:An accurate mirrorA good explanatory voiceAs an \"accurate mirror\", he or she should be able to help you clarify your thoughts, feelings, values, etc - helping you gain perspective on relationships in your life, as well as a greater depth of self-awareness.As \"an explanatory voice\", a knowledgeable, well trained therapist should be able to help you understand your troubles or past emotional injuries in such a way that shame, blame, resentment or excessive guilt no longer interfere with you facing life challenges successfully.But more than these qualities, a skillful therapist, should be able to coach you in improving your capacity for self-regulation and help you develop greater resilience within. While at the same time, he/she should be a kind observer, rooting for you along the way as you develop the needed skillfulness to eventually no longer need this therapist along your side.A good therapist will not need to be \"trained\" to give you what you need in treatment. Within the very first session, you should have a sense - a feelingof being felt, seen, and heard. By and large, I believe this to be the most important determining factor in choosing a therapist that is the right fit for you.And last but not least -Trust your instinct and listen to your gut. A good therapist will continue to give you reason to entrust your emotional wellness to their care.click here to connect for further support/guidance"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Find a therapist who is experienced in the issues that bring you to counseling. When you interview your therapist or during the initial session, you will want to share with the therapist what your expectations are for therapy. Share with them what you need for therapy to be helpful to you. An important part of your first sessions will be setting specific goals for therapy with objectives on how those goals will be accomplished. These are your goals, not your therapist's goals. These goals and objectives should be written in a treatment plan and shared with you for approval. You are welcome to make changes in your treatment at any time."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You'll know you have the right therapist when after the first few sessions you feel comfortable enough to tell them things you wouldn't tell anyone else. It's important in therapy for that rapport to be built from the beginning and that you as the client feel comfortable enough to share what you need to share. You shouldn't feel judgement from your therapist and you should be able to trust the advice your therapist provides. Therapy isn't about advice, don't get me wrong, but to truly implement the changes that need to be implemented to improve your life you need to trust the person giving the advice. Your therapist should have your best interest at heart and truly listen to what you have to say. The therapist should be willing to meet you where you are in your world and attempt to see the world from your perspective to truly understand what you have been through. You need to feel comfortable in therapy to be yourself and say what's on your mind. Therapy shouldn't be something that should be dreaded but it can get uncomfortable depending on the depth of the things being discussed."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Unfortunately, finding \"the right\" therapist isn't as easy as picking a name from a list provided by your insurance company or based on Google search results. The process begins with doing some research. Online directories such as Psychology Today and CounselChat are a good jumping-off point. Start by selecting search parameters that are important to you such as the gender of the therapist, issues you want to address in therapy, the therapist's therapeutic orientation (i.e., cognitive-behavioral therapy, EMDR, dialectical behavioral therapy), online versus in-person appointment availability, and the distance you are willing to travel. Once you have the results of your search, take time to read each therapist's profile and visit their websites. When you begin to contact the therapists, ask if they will offer a free telephone or Zoom consultation. This gives you the opportunity to ask specific questions of the therapist, to share details about your reasons for seeking therapy, and clearly express your goals. Spend some time preparing for the call. Because the calls are usually time-limited (mine are 15-minutes in length), it can be helpful to make some brief notes about the issues you wish to discuss and the questions you would like to ask the therapist.Approach your first session with an open mind. Therapy can be uncomfortable, intimidating, and even scary at first. It's not easy to be vulnerable, especially with a stranger. A good therapist will take their cues from you. If a client isn't ready to discuss trauma or a particular subject just yet, that's okay! Therapy is a process and a collaborative one at that. The best way to \"train\" your therapist is to openly communicate your needs with them. If, at any time, you don't feel as though your needs are being met or you are progressing towards your goals, let your therapist know how you are feeling. A competent therapist will appreciate this feedback and work with you to change course."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Such a good question! Sometimes, clients will feel like they are not connecting with their therapist and will put it on themselves. In truth, the bond between therapist and client is the #1 predictor of positive outcomes in therapy. Ask yourself these questions: does it feel like this person can come to care about me? Do they remember from week to week what we touched on? Do I feel compassion from this person? Do they allow me my difficult and painful feelings too, or do they try to rescue me? On your other question - I suggest you ask your therapist what goals he/she has for your treatment. See if they respond with interest and participation, or if they become clinical and distant. Ideally, you and your therapist jointly develop your goals, and check on your progress on a frequent basis. I don't know if you can actually 'train' your therapist - we can be a hard bunch to train! :-) - but you can definitely tell your therapist what works for you, and what didn't work, at the end of each session. How they react will also tell you a lot about whether this is the right person for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Hi, A good fit should have expertise in your issues. Generally, if you read their profile it should resonate with you...like they are talking directly to you. When you get into the therapy sessions, a good therapist will adapt their style to match your needs, they have done years of training to make sure they can help, so you should not have to \"train your therapist\" :) If you do, they are NOT a good fit. The idea of coming to therapy, is that you are there to get a different perspective and change what is not working for you, by that definition, you may not know what you need from therapy and that is where your therapist should be guiding you. That being said, in order for your therapist to give you the best service possible, they do need for you to be honest and let them know if you are willing or unwilling to incorporate the strategies they are offering. They need you to be willing to try things that are uncomfortable. A good therapist will also challenge your beliefs, make you question what you have done before...occasionally you should leave lighter, sometimes heavier, sometimes happy, sometimes lost in thought. If they are a good fit, you should feel like you can be your authentic self and feel safe, even if it is not easy. If you leave their office feeling like they are just a friend and you are not growing, they probably are not a right fit. If you leave their office feeling constantly frustrated, they are probably not a good fit. If they are not, let them know. A lot of times they can change their style or refer you to someone who is a better fit. It is okay to let your therapist know it does not seem to be working for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Like with any helping professional, you need to feel comfortable and heard. If the therapist is not the right one, you will definitely know during the first session. There is no 'training\" a therapist. I believe there has to be an openness in communication and a clear understanding of goals and treatment expectations."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question! I imagine people wonder this all of the time, as it's a conversation I have had with many of my clients. One thing to think about is advice that I give regarding many different types of relationships: what brings you together has to be more than what draws you apart. In this case, therapy will likely make you uncomfortable at times and feel difficult. But the right therapist will always help you to feel safe and supported through that. As far as \"training\" your therapist, I encourage you to think about it from the perspective of how you can best be assertive about what you're looking for- and what you're NOT looking for! Most therapists will be happy to talk about their approaches or beliefs to help you better understand their work and what you might be doing with them in your time together. If these conversations don't feel satisfying, feel free to move on. Not everyone is the perfect fit, and that is okay."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The question about identifying the right therapist is a compelling one to be sure. The therapeutic relationship is based on trust and confidentiality is the cornerstone of the profession. Therefore, it is essential to seek a therapist who practices ethically, is empathetic, and has the capacity to be objective as well as non-judgmental. It is also important to seek a therapist who specializes in your particular issue and has clinical experience as well as a passion in striving for toward the best outcome. You will not need to train your therapist as a competent therapist will help you explore the sources of your distress, or limitations in your belief system and so forth. A competent therapist will be able to suggest a variety of treatment approaches and together you will decide which approach is best for you. However, you also have to decide what kind of therapist you envision being comfortable with. Some clients prefer a more directive approach and others a more collaborative one.Most therapists offer a consultation which is a good opportunity to ask questions and get a sense of the therapist's treatment approaches, training, credentials, style, ideas and so forth. You may be able to gauge from the consultation whether or not you are a good fit."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Do you feel comfortable with your therapist? Its a good start to know if the therapist is right for you. Therapist are human and not matter how good they are if you don't feel comfortable nothing they do will work."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You would feel safe in the space they hold for you. You would not have to focus on training them to be what/who you need, instead you will be able to focus on your healing. You will naturally click, and see progress. Always trust your intuition. It is your right to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. Ask them questions, and explore their specialities to ensure that they are equipped to guide you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The therapeutic relationship is such an important aspect of the process toward healing. Feeling comfortable enough to be vulnerable is a good starting place. Understanding your own goals for therapy, outcomes you hope to get from it, and the approach you need from your therapist. Each therapist is unique and have their individual styles and theoretical orientations they align with. Open and honest communication regarding what you are hoping to get out of therapy and asking questions from the start of therapist to better understand if their theoretical approach will be helpful to you is a good starting place. Knowing and trusting yourself that if it is not a good fit that it is okay to seek therapy from another provider."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "There tends to be a connection you feel with your therapist. You could also see a benefit from the suggestions/homework they have been recommending. The top thing to look for is competency. If your going for a particular issue they should be an expert in that issue otherwise you may not have the right person."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Hello,As a counselee I can tell you that I knew I had the right therapist when I felt challenged. Also, when I did the work they gave me and saw growth from it, I knew I was being understood.As a counselor I can tell you that the best work happens when you are willing to be vulnerable, it feels very risky because this is a person you don't know. The fact that they aren't living day to day life with you is actually a good thing because it helps them see your life in a different light, therefor they can give you perspectives that you may have missed.I hope you find the right fit, I encourage you to keep trying until you do!-Sucely"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question. I think that as a client it is important to educate yourself on how to look for a therapist. I think the process of looking for a therapist can be intimidating for some people and they may just pick the first therapist they find who takes their insurance. I think if you take a little more time, you will be able to find the best therapist for you.The most important thing is probably to create a list of therapists you are interested in working with. You might get referrals from friends, or check out some websites. You want to see that the person you are working with mentions working with people with the issues you want to address. You also want to see what they say about how they work with their clients. If they only do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and you don't feel comfortable with only that modality, then keep checking out other therapists. You want to definitely call a few therapists to talk. Don't just make an appointment with the first one who answers their phone!See what each therapist feels like to talk to over the phone. Do you feel comfortable? Do they make you feel at ease? Do they use a lot of jargon? Not every therapist may be the right match for you. Ask questions. If they say they use a certain modality and you have never heard of it, have them explain it to you. Do they explain it in a way that makes sense to you? Keep listening to make sure you feel comfortable and feel like they \"get you.\"The best way to \"train\" your therapist is to be upfront about what it is you need. Let them know what is working and what isn't working. Learning how to communicate with your therapist will not only make your therapy more productive, but it is usually a good way to practice the new skills you will be developing.Best of luck on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "One of the first things you should feel with a therapist is a safe and non-judgemental space. As a therapist, my number one goal is to make my clients feel comfortable with sharing the darkest parts of their life. The next thing you should recognize is the therapist challenging you to think beyond your current scope of focus."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You have to feel listened by someone emphatic and compassionate who is willing to make a therapeutic plan from the beginning and explain to you what are the most suitable therapeutic approaches for you. Based on each person needs this can be done working hand in hand and making certain agreements on the plan. Goals should be considered and the therapist should support you in achieving them and keep an eye on the progress and obstacles you've encountered.You can't \"train\" someone in offering support for your needs , you can ask specifically what you're looking for and see if that person can meet your expectation.Hopefully this answer will be helpful !Best wishes !"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You know that you have the right therapist for you if you feel comfortable confiding in them, and you feel that they are able to help you feel understood and that you are gaining from their therapeutic services."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Studies have shown that the most successful therapy is a result of a strong therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist. So, you want to pick a therapist that you feel a connection with and communicates with you in a way that is relatable. The fact that you're using the word \"train\" leads me to believe you're really wanting a therapist that meets your needs, and you have very specific needs in mind. But, in a therapy/client relationship neither is the trainer. It's an open, collaborative relationship with you as the client voicing your needs and the therapist learning what your strengths are, analyzing your situation, and helping to guide you on your journey offering suggestions based on their education and expertise on possibly better ways to cope. You can ask your therapist about interacting in a way that works best for you, for example just talking, or talking and taking notes, or wanting handouts and homework, using an interactive app, etc. You can also talk to your therapist about wanting a brief, solution focused approach to a particular problem. This is the model most insurance companies prefer. Say you want to knock out a short term, specific issue in 6 sessions. But, depending on the issue, on average it takes a couple of months to see improvement and some people with more chronic, complex concerns may need therapy for years. So, you see why \"train\" won't work it's really about picking someone you can bare your soul too and that you feel you want a therapeutic relationship with for the long haul while you get help tackling the toughest stuff life has thrown your way."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist is a crucial part of the therapy process-- and one that can be intimidating or daunting despite increasing ease of access to individual therapist profile matching services. The right therapist will allow you the space to give them feedback on how you are most comfortable with the counseling process as well as adhere to the right pace of sessions and disclosure that feels most comfortable to you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "If you've found the \"right\" therapist for you, you probably feel comfortable being vulnerable with them. Ideally, you feel connected to them in a way that leads to you feeling understood. In order to get what you need out of your treatment, it's important to be open and honest with your therapist about what you are seeking. Are you looking for coping tools? What are your goals and how are you planning on reaching them? Those questions need to be talked about in therapy to make sure everyone is on the same page."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You will know when you have the right therapist if you feel like it is a \"fit\" for you. Trust your intuition! It is often accurate. However, if you are used to unhealthy relationships, the therapeutic relationship may feel uncomfortable at times. One of the best ways to \"train\" your therapist is to educate him/her about you. If something is important to you, tell him/her."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "A colleague and I were discussing the characteristics of successful therapists. I gave him some traits, some of which were listed by Robinson (2012). The therapist should be able to listen to your story, build rapport, establish a relationship, demonstrate empathy, adapt treatments to the client/situation, use effective communication skills, exhibit confidence in use of therapeutic techniques, and repeatedly update skills with ongoing education and research. You should talk with the therapist. In addition to asking the therapist about his/her experiences and specialty in treating the issue you want to address; you will gain a sense of the therapists ability to connect with you in your first phone call or meeting with him/her. This is why I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation. You can use the above criteria to gauge the therapists ability to do the following: Hear you, join with you in understanding the issue, and indicate some ways in which the issue may be treated. I specialize treating anxiety and relationships and would like to talk with you if you have questions about how I may be able to help you. Jim"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "As we all need coaches and everyone including all of us on here had one or still does cause it is about your desire to be the best you can in your life goals. People you connect with come into your life based on desire or a manifestation. You will know once you have a few sessions with them and once you achieve you might move on to another expert."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "If you are not able to build a rapport even after many sessions, thats when you will know that the therapist is not right for you. Also, you dont have to train the therapist regarding the treatment plan. The therapist alone cannot decide what's needed for the client without client taking the driver seat !"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "There is no such thing as a therapist that is \"right\" for someone. Outside of getting a \"bad\" therapist who shouldn't be in the industry almost any counselor should be able to make the appropriate choices. Remember counseling is a process, you and the therapist work together for the common goal of your mental health. The best way to train them for what you need is to communicate. \"What you said last time was really helpful\", \"I don't think this homework is something I'm ready to commit to\". \"I like learning more about skills\" or \"I just have a lot on my mind this session and I really just want to be heard\"."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist means finding one that feels like a good fit for your needs in therapy and your personality style. The therapeutic relationship is the most important factor in therapy being successful or beneficial. When you have found a good fit, that means - you feel comfortable with the therapist, feel you have a connection with the therapist as a person, think that they will be someone you are able to open up to, feel that they may be someone you can trust to help you through therapy, and that has experience in the clinical areas that you are seeking treatment for."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The most important thing when looking for a therapist is the comfortability you have with that person. If you do not feel comfortable when your in session then it is more likely you have the wrong therapist for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I love these questions! You will know you have the right therapist for you because you resonate with them and you feel better after each treatment. The second part to question two, is that first, you have to allow your therapist to learn about you and you have to be honest and open to their expertise. You are not paying for help from yourself, but you should be paying for someone who makes you feel better as well as someone who also looks past what you have been trying to get or what you think you need from therapy because hopefully they give you a new perspective of what you thought you needed, which is what we call an \"aha moment.\" You will want to have those in your sessions. Because you are paying to decrease whatever the issue is, but also you are paying for getting better, or more confident in who you are or who you want to become!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The relationship between yourself and your therapist is one based on trust, respect, and understanding. The best way to determine if a therapist is right for you is to ask. Does this therapist respect my journey? Does this therapist respect me as a human? Does this therapist understand the unique factors contributing to my mental health? Do I trust the therapist with my most intimate details? If you find that any of these answers are no, you may want to talk with your therapist about your concerns.In the end, only you are able to determine if your therapist is a great fit for your personal needs."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Choosing the right therapist and finding the right fit is difficult. There are many therapists from all walks of life that use different styles and modalities. I think the connection established between therapist and client is key to the entire therapeutic process and may require more than one session to truly feel out if one therapist is the right fit. It's important to feel comfortable around your therapist. Try asking the therapist questions about their background history, credentials, experience in the field, etc., to truly get a gauge on what you think about starting this journey with this therapist. You can view this as almost like you interviewing someone for a specific job and trying to find the best person and most qualified to address your needs. I find this has been helpful for my clients who choose to see me. As we all know, therapists are ordinary people too with differing personalities. Taking the first step to participate in therapy takes courage, so go into it with an open mind and see if the connection happens organically and if it doesn't after a few sessions than it's ok to seek out another therapist. Feeling connected and safe is important in our work together as therapist and client. Remember it's not a sprint it's a marathon."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You will know when you have the right there is when you have been able to establish a trusting relationship with this person, there's a level of honesty and transparency within this relationship, and this person challenges you on different levels to come out of your comfort zone and to grow."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a big question. Whenever you are in the position to choose your therapist, it is a good idea to do a consultation first so you can get a feel for them and see if you think your personality might match well. Sometimes it is difficult to tell in a very short meeting however and it can take a session or even a few to know this. Really, the \"right therapist\" is probably someone that you feel somewhat comfortable with or someone with who you could see yourself becoming comfortable even if you have difficulty trusting others. It is likely someone who you do not feel judged by. Part of the work in therapy is also being able to ask for what you need and voice your concerns which means telling your therapist if they do or say something that upsets you. This is part of the repair process and therapy is a safe space to practice this skill so you can do it in the real world when this happens in relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I believe that most people usually know right within the first couple of sessions if they have found the right therapist. You would want someone that you can trust and someone that you feel comfortable talking to. You would also want someone who has the experience and skills to help you with your situation. You can verify your therapist's skills and experience by asking them about their credentials, certifications, and training."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question. Most therapists offer a free consultation and you should take advantage of this. During this conversation, you will know if you have a connection with them. If they are easy to talk to and know how to help, they are the one for you. As far as \"training\" them, this is something that you should not have to do. Treatment is a team effort and a plan should be made during the beginning of treatment on what you want to accomplish during treatment."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The right therapist can sometimes be tricky especially if this is your first experience seeking mental health services or assistance. Finding the right therapist means considering what issues you would like to address and which therapists has specialities in what you are seeking.When searching for a therapist reach out to those in your support system who have had experiences with a therapist and find out their likes and dislikes. Use some time looking via search engines for therapists in your area and allow your curiosity to lead you to therapists directories where therapists are displaying their philosophy of how they help client's heal. Consider whether gender and race/ethnicity is a preference and who you would feel the most comfortable with sharing your concerns that \"gets you.\" Also do not hesitate to ask about free-consultation calling services that further allow you the opportunity to provide a bit of information about yourself and allows you the benefit of asking additional questions about the therapist, their services and offerings and whether you are ready for treatment or rather search for other options.In regards to \"training\" your therapist, remember that therapy is a collaborative approach involving both client and counselor. This will depend on your needs, goals for therapy and the overall objectives. A licensed therapist that is trained will be knowledgeable to assist you in your journey through treatment. As a trained therapist, one will assist in clarifying of your current situation(s), work out past experiences that may hinder your improvement and provide the necessary skills to assist in your progress throughout. If you believe that you are not receiving these things voice your concerns with your therapist, ask for recommendations and/or referrals for a better fit. That's perfectly okay!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "When looking for a therapist, ask some questions about their background and modalities of treatment. Before meeting a therapist, have an idea of specifics about your therapist preference (Male, Female, Language Preference, of issue specific, (Religion, gender supportive, LGBTQ issues, Trauma, Grief/Loss, Divorce, Coparenting ) Also, it will benefit you to know your goals for therapy, and the difficulties that you are facing. Ask questions about his/her rates, if he/she are currently accepting insurance, and if offering currently tele therapy. Take advantage of free consultations and get a sense if you feel comfortable with therapist, and do check therapist profiles (Psychology Today, Latinx Therapy among others). Different therapists have different niches and specialties feel free to explore the person who matches more with what you want to accomplish."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I always say finding the right therapist is a little bit like dating--when you date to find the \"right person,\" you often date several people who are perfectly nice, but are just not the right fit for you. It may take several tries before you find \"the one.\" Finding the right therapist is a lot like that. You may have a therapist who is perfectly nice and qualified, but they just don't feel like the right fit.You need to find someone who you feel comfortable talking to and who \"gets\" you. They should have a clear understanding of what you need help with, and should be able to explain to you some of the ways they are going to help you. You can help your therapist give you what you need from treatment by telling them exactly what you need, and by letting them know when what they are doing isn't working for you. Clear communication is key!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "It is incredibly important that a person feels that their therapist is right for them! The importance of this is not only because they will be asked to be vulnerable and honest during sessions, but also because it can impact treatment outcomes. Having confidence in your therapist and the therapeutic relationship can help foster success in therapy!Generally speaking, it is a good fit if the therapist has expertise with your particular problem, you connect the \"feel\" or vibe of the therapist, and you like their treatment philosophy. In order to find out if its a good fit, you may have to directly ask the therapist about their expertise and treatment philosophy. Many people are arbitrarily matched to a therapist or believe that they have to see the first therapist with an available appointment. It is important to remember that you have a choice in who your provider is!As far as training your therapist, there are caveats here. Your therapist is responsible for providing ethical and competent services without you having to train them (such as maintaining appropriate boundaries, maintaining confidentiality, etc.). Assuming they are meeting those minimum requirements, the hope is that they are also demonstrating respect for you (such as starting session on time, providing consistency, and being non-judgmental). If you do not feel respected or you have concerns about their judgements, I recommend you bring this to their attention. While the therapeutic relationship is unique and is not like other relationships in our lives, it is still a relationship. It may be uncomfortable to tell them how you feel about their behavior, but there can be immense therapeutic value in these conversations. If your therapist is providing ethical services, competent services, and demonstrating respect for you, its a good start. If you are not getting the results you hope to get from therapy, it is still not your job to train the therapist, but it would be beneficial to bring this to their attention. Ask them about that goals and objectives that you are working on and ask for clarity on the direction of treatment. These conversations can be incredibly beneficial to the therapeutic relationship and the trajectory of treatment. Alternatively, if you are not feeling good about the provider, their vibe, the goals, or the direction, it may be time to seek a consultation with another therapist. Starting over in therapy does require quite a bit of emotional energy but that doesnt mean its not worth it!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "How do you know if you have the right therapist? First you must do your homework regarding what your needs are. Once you determine what your needs are you can narrow your search down to gender, age, background, what they specialize in. Once you have that information you want to choose a few therapist to interview to get a feel of their communication style and if you feel safe with the therapist. Sometimes you may have to meet with several therapist before making a decision. The key is you feel emotionally and physically safe."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I always recommend that people have a brief phone call with a few potential therapists before deciding to meet one in person. Tell them a bit about whatever is going on with you, and then ask them how they would approach those issues. This should give you an initial sense of how comfortable you feel around them. Do they make you feel heard and understood? Do they give you a sense of relief and hope? These are some questions to consider in that very first phone call, and ones you can continue to ask yourself once you select a therapist and begin working together. There are certain issues that benefit from specific treatments (e.g. Exposure and Response Prevention for OCD) but in most cases, the therapeutic relationship is the biggest influence on how much improvement clients will experience, so it's essential that you get the feeling this is someone you can trust and someone who genuinely cares about you.If you're not getting what you need in therapy, I would encourage you to offer that feedback to your therapist. Therapy is a collaborative process and requires your input. Your therapist should be able to take your feedback constructively and help you consider ways those needs could be met. This might mean changing tack in terms of therapeutic approaches, addressing something in therapy that is getting in the way, or even referring you to someone who has different expertise. Please know that most therapists welcome these kinds of conversations -- our primary aim is to help you feel better!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a tricky question. If you have the right therapist, there should be some mutual patience, as it can take time to develop a positive relationship. Sometimes things seem to click right away, but I wouldnt be discouraged if an instant connection was lacking.Bring up these concerns with them, and a competent therapist will help you to process your fears and your doubts. This can be risky though, especially if the therapist isnt very experienced or struggles with these competencies.It may even be worthwhile to have trust as a stated goal early in therapy with your counselor, especially if this is something you struggle with often."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Studies show that the most important determinant of success in therapy is the quality of the relationship between therapist and client. It is very important that you find the right therapist for you. If you feel that your therapist understands you, doesn't judge you, or is someone you can trust, these are all good signs that you have found the right therapist for you. It may take a few sessions for you to know whether you're in the right place or not, but if you decide it isn't working for you, there is no shame in telling your therapist. We want you to get the care you need, and we know we can't be the right fit for everyone."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The conversation on the phone is critical. it goes both ways, sometimes you just feel in their tone and words that you could be a match. Ask the Therapist questions if you have them. Not every Therapist is a good fit for every client. Not every client is a good fit for every Therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Choosing the right therapist is important, Take the time to ask a few questions before setting up the first appointment to determine if you feel it is the right fit. Typically you can tell within the first few minutes of a conversation."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Having a good rapport with your therapist is of vital importance. Your therapist should create a space where you feel safe, comfortable, and judgement free. If you are able to build that strong level of comfort with your therapist, you will feel safe to ask for what you need. It is also important to feel empowered to try a new therapist if you are not feeling connected. As a therapist, we understand that people have different needs that we may not be able to effectively address for whatever reason. But above all, make sure you get what you need for you. You first!!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question! When you look forward to sessions because you feel calm, comforted, supported, and growth -- that's how you know you found the right therapist. Therapy can be uncomfortable simply because you start looking at parts of your life and yourself that you've been avoiding or hiding. BUT, a therapist shouldn't make you feel attacked, judged, dependent, or weak.A good therapist will \"train\" themselves to best suit you and your needs. I truly hope you find your match!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist isn't as easy as looking in the phone book and choosing someone who is close-by or is inexpensive. The therapist who feels like the best fit is someone who you feel comfortable being vulnerable with, provides a environment (physical or virtual) that feels safe to try and take risks, and who focuses on your needs in the time you spend together. The right treatment options may vary depending on what you are going through in your life at the moment, and may not be the same from challenge to challenge. A good therapist for you will communicate with you and give you feedback, but also encourage you to grow and be able to utilize the tools you've acquired in your real, every day life."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "A therapist should be willing to have an initial conversation to determine - both of you - if there is a good fit. Fit will be determined in ways such as do I feel a connection with this therapist, do they have skills in an area that I am struggling with, do I feel heard and listened to when we talk, are you making the progress you are seeking. Each therapist may have a different style but I have found the best way to work together is through collaboration, providing input to your needs and feedback when things are going well or if things need to change identify that as well"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "There are lots of very good therapists out theredoing all types of therapy.However, studies show that more important than the type of therapy, the biggest indicator of client success is the therapeutic relationship that develops between the therapist and client.In other wordsthere needs to be agood fit."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? The honest and authentic answer is that you may never be able to say for sure you have the right Therapist.However, you can be guided a few session of your meeting and you sharing the reason(s) you seek counselling. Then you feeling that both you and the Therapist have invested some time together being venerable, establishing trust, and both being willing to come from a place of respect for each other. Especially from the therapist to you, that you don't feel judged. That said, it is hoped that in time and with time (varying form each set of client/therapist teams) there develops and forms a therapeutic alliance that natural fosters and encourages change and growth for you the client.All of the above said, how do you find this out? You will have to be will to invest some time getting to know the therapist, his or her style; therapy mode and approach base of training and expertise. here are still qualities of a professionally sound and empathetic therapist. They have clearly shown over time they actively listen to you, clarify and confirms highlights of your sharing, your fears, concerns and challenges that lead you to seek out counselling at this time. While you being as honest and forthcoming in your sharing for an assessment process to be conducted. Which allows for the establishment that you both may be a good fit to foster and maintain a therapeutic working alliance.How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?If this truly is an intention and motivation to explore treatment by you having the misguided information that you need to train your therapist to meet your needs, you clearly are not ready for treatment at this time."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I think the right therapist will lead you toward answers that work. Right simply means they are helping you accomplish your goals for counseling.If I understand the question, training your therapist should really just mean being transparent about what youre looking for. Most therapists will offer a treatment plan that should let you know the process they are taking to help you meet your goals. If you dont feel like the treatment plan is what you need, be honest with them and collaborate to come up with a process that better suits you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I would look up therapists who speak to what you are going through on their website or directory listing and seem to align with your values (some people want a therapist of the similar faith, gender, or cultural background). I'm not saying that they should have these traits but for some people that's important and helps them to feel more comfortable. When you find one that seems to fit on their listing or website, try the free consultation that most therapists offer. Ask them about their experience in treating your problems and how they might be able to help. I would try them for a few sessions and see how well y'all mesh. Ultimately if you don't feel like you're getting anything out of it then I would suggest either letting them know if you need something different or try a different therapist. Your therapist needs to fit like a comfy pair of shoes! Sometimes that does take a few sessions though as the first stage always involves getting to know each other and building rapport."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist is a lot like looking for a primary care doctor or family physician. You may have more than one in your life and also, if it does not work out, you can find a provider that is a better fit.You want to find someone who you believe will respond to your needs and help you accomplish your goals. That being said, it is very helpful to know what are you trying to accomplish in counseling. Therapists will open up the floor for you to discuss and will set treatment goals with you to move towards what you are accomplishing. This becomes the road map. The map keeps both the clinician and client on course.In addition, being very honest about your needs and providing feedback about sessions can be helpful. If you did not like something, make sure to speak up about it, so that it does not negatively impact the therapy relationship. If something works, make sure you speak up about that too. This can help the therapist to know if therapeutic changes need to be made. Similar to a doctor, if a medication is not working, it would be important to let them know so that adjustments can be made.Therapy is a journey that is unique to each person. Talking about the therapy relationship is a part of that journey."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "What a great question. There is no one size fits all to the answer unfortunately because it is based solely on what draws a connection between the two of you. Deciding on a therapist is not an easy process just as deciding on a physical health practitioner. I would suggest first inquiring about areas of specialty and alining this with what you desire to obtain from therapy. Secondly, I would suggest requesting a consultation to engage in dialogue to aid you with getting a feel of your comfort level with speaking to him or her. Lastly, I would suggest asking their level of experience with whatever your presenting concern is.I hope that I have offered you some sense of direction. Good luck to you. Be safe, and don't forget to exercise some form of self-care routinely."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You will generally feel a 'click,' or 'connection,' with a counselor through their bio, website, and/or on the phone during a consult (if one is provided). Counseling is about the true you having a safe place to come out. With the right therapist you will feel safe to be your true self, in all your glory!In order to get what you need from treatment, be clear with what you are looking for. I believe a great counselor is person-centered and partners with the client, inviting the client to determine the goals, and where they would like to get to. Then the therapist and client work together to get to the client's desired destinations!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I think there are two major things that are necessary for a therapist to be helpful. The first is that you must feel comfortable with them. If you feel like the counselor was interested in your life and was caring during the first session, that's a good sign. If not, then run! Trust your gut on this one.The second important thing is that you have to trust your counselor. Your counselor can be kind, but if they just sit there and nod, without providing you anything, its probably isn't a good fit. Just like when you go to a medical doctor, you're putting your care in their hands, so you need to feel like there is expertise.If you not getting those things, I would encourage you to voice your needs (though I know that can be hard). If you counselor listens to that feedback, it's generally a good sign, and if they don't it may be a sign that this isn't a good fit. The important thing is, that you have to find a good fit. Just like any other relationship, not everyone is going to be a perfect match together."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Your therapist will show up for you not only keeping your appointments but s/he will listen to you. S/he will use your language. Also s/he will respectfully confront you when appropriate."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist for you can be a stressful process but is important. I often explain it as buying a new car. \"We need to test drive the new car to understand how it handles, looks or feels, etc.\" It is common for clients to know their therapist is the right fit after the first few minutes of speaking with them. Other times, it doesn't happen until a few sessions. Finding what criteria are important for you in a therapist is a good way to see if the one you are working with fits. Example criteria may include their gender, age, specific training or expertise, certain life experiences, tone of voice, conversation style, projection of empathy, approach to sessions (more question asking or problem-solving), or overall personality compatibility. There is nothing wrong with changing therapists if you do not feel it is the right fit. Feedback always helps with the therapy process if you feel like it is a right fit but the therapist may not be giving you what you need at that time. We are trained to understand this is a part of the process and can provide great resources for clients to find someone else if that is what is needed."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is an important question. The right therapist does not necessarily need to share all of your views, but they do need to share your goals. I cannot over-stress the importance of setting goals with your therapist. They may change over time, but you and the therapist should be on the same page. There is nothing wrong with being upfront about what your needs are, and the therapist should be able to help you do that. Keep in mind that what you need in the beginning may be different than what you need in the end as you grow and change throughout the course of therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "How do you feel when you meet with your therapist? Are you comfortable? Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you are gaining something from the experience? Therapy has its ups and downs, it is hard, and sometimes it won't feel good- that is when you are growing and learning the most. If you feel comfortable, safe, like you can tell your therapist anything (after getting to know her/him- not in the first session), and that you are getting help with what brought you in; then you might have found the right therapist for you. I always say, its just a feeling- you'll know."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Setting expectations for treatment at the very beginning would help you to know if you have found the \"right one\" for you. This is how you'd address \"training\" your therapist to give you what you need. However, the therapist is not there to fix you, that's your job. A therapist is another set of eyes on your life and the presenting issues you come in to discuss. Sometimes you may not like what the therapist has to say, and just maybe that is what you \"needed\" that day. Therapy also takes time, it's not a quick fix. If there's a certain type of therapy you'd like, then again you'd discuss that in the very beginning."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Here's what I'm already picking up on from you: 1) you are motivated to advocate for your needs, 2) you value connecting with your therapist in some form, and 3) you have at least a basic understanding of what you want/need from therapy.Finding a therapist that fits can be a difficult task. Every counselor has their own style and some just tend to mesh well with certain personalities--factors beyond our control. If you look at it in terms of specialties, many therapists will identify those on their company's websites and/or during an intake. It is important to know what your therapist is competent in because you are sacrificing so much time, energy, and finances into the process!Figuring out if your counselor is a match for the issues you present with can be relatively quick to discover (usually this happens during intake when the counselor informs the client about their areas of expertise). On the other hand, it may take a few sessions to learn whether or not you feel a connection with your counselor. In the research we have on clinical outcomes, it is shown over and over again that the relationship is key--treatment techniques alone play a very small role in client change when the counselor-client bond is lacking.I wonder if maybe there is a fear here that your therapist may not understand you or may guide you in the wrong direction. When I have a client with these fears, it's crucial we process their expectations of and goals for therapy, as well as realistic ways I can help support them in those goals that fit their individual needs. You may find that some therapists don't meet your needs and that's OK. It's normal to feel discouraged about therapy not working out, but it's important to continue to search for the best match for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "It is not a matter of training your therapist, they should now how to illicit the needed information from you to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "It's kind of like an audition. You need to find someone who you feel comfortable with and respect. Many therapists provide short, free, consultations. That is a good way to see if they seem to understand and empathize with you in a way that puts you at ease. If you have specific issues that you need to work on. look for someone who specializes in what is troubling you. The therapist should be able to provide evidence-based treatment and should discuss with you why they think this is the best way to proceed. Every counseling client should feel free to have input on their goals and desired outcomes."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I think the most important to be the right therapist to you, is being able to make the click. It means to combine my years of education and training with my personal experiences, and how those could help you to figure it out your exploration about yourself, help you process them in the way that you may be able to learn how to deal with life's difficulties. On the other side, that would be important in your process, is that you can trust in me as one who has been learning for my own process of life. Also, I have been in your place as a counselee, and I know how important is to get help. I was once divorced and I understand the pain of loss. I was a victim of domestic violence and I am a survivor. I am multicultural, I am multiracial married, I am a mother of adult children, I understand the development process from the cradle to the marriage, and have watched them grow in their careers. I have values and principles rooted in the knowledge of divine wisdom and that life has much more meaning when we live a mindfulness life."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "If your therapist is attentive and compassionate to what you are sharing then you will know you have a true connection with him or her and that he or she is the right match for you. Having a therapist who has a good location and inviting office is also a good sign that you have the right one!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "When you find the right therapist, you will feel understood on a deeper level. You'll feel that they not only understood what you were saying, but that they were also able to catch the \"in between the lines\" part and put into words what you have not been able to. The relationship with your therapist should be collaborative, there should be a fundamental element of safety and trust. A strong relationship with your therapist takes time to cultivate, but by the second or third session, you'll know if that therapist genuinely see's the world from your perspective and has a plan to get on how they will support your growth through this journey."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The most important agent of change in therapy is your relationship with your therapist. It is so important for you to find a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable enough to just lay everything out there and be vulnerable with. Therapy is really building a safe and healthy relationship with a professional that can then help guide you in some of the most intimate and emotional parts of your life. This relationship does take time to build, but usually you can get a sense of a therapist's personality and approach from their bio and website. Once you have found someone that you think you could really connect with, then it's about looking at do they have the expertise you need. Do they have training in relationship counseling or in working with anxiety, depression, or trauma? It is important to find an expert in the field so you are getting the best care possible...just like if you were to go to a general family doctor versus a specialist. I hope that is helpful!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You know have the right therapist if:Your counselor specializes in what you are seeking help for or they have experience with treating people with similar issues.They are ethical and are able to understand your culture or religious norms.They are licensed in your state.They are able to provide you treatment that is tailored to your needs so that you can meet your goals for therapy.They are non-judgmental and can show empathy to you.They can meet you were you are in your journey of healing and understand you.The location of the office or use of technology to hold sessions is something that you are comfortable with.Recognize that a relationship with a counselor is like a relationship with any other person, sometimes you mesh well and sometimes you do not mesh well. A counselor should never take any offense if you do not feel like a good fit with the counselor, just be honest with your counselor about how you are feeling about the relationship. If you feel the need to change counselors, feel the freedom to change counselors as you will get more from therapy if you feel like you make a good team.To \"train\" your therapist:Be honest about your needs, expectations, barriers and about your situation.Know thyself and share that with your counselor.Create attainable goals for yourself with the help of the counselor.Set the pace that you are comfortable with.Feel comfortable to share an agenda for each session."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "When you have the right therapist you just know, as evidence of the help that you have received, the progress that you have made, from the rapport and partnership that you have gained with your therapist, and from if you feel supported in a way that is helpful to you, as well as if your therapist has a good understanding of what your needs are and what you desire to gain from your therapy experience."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question. A good therapist should first be someone you can trust and second, someone who encourages you to be honest with yourself. Therapy is a time to learn new coping skills and learn more about yourself. You have the answers you need within yourself, but it sometimes takes a keen ear to lead you to those answers. This can't happen without trust and honesty. You may not always leave therapy feeling energized. Therapy can be hard work. But, you should always feel you have gained something to ponder that will help you better understand yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "If you connect with your therapist and can say whatever you want to say and not be judged."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Having the perfect therapist can be thekey to any fruitful relationship. My private practice uses Life Coaching, though I am professionally qualified in many therapeutic modalities. The therapeutic relationship is the initial step of any treatment program or goal attainment process. We can discover an appreciation of having discovered the best character to show you on this journey in excellent communication. Does the person get you and are you on the same page in the therapeutic process? The therapist should have considerable experience that combines professional instruction on the matters that you need guidance to overpower. If the therapist doesnt have all the fundamentalexperiences, is he/she prepared to locate the suitable means that you require or have the capabilities to recommend you to someone while following up and continuing a prosperous and beneficial relationship with you. If for some reasonyou are required to continue with atherapist and advance on this relationship, make certain that the communication areas are consistently transparent. Express yourself openlyin disclosing your objectives and purpose. Try to find a commonality with the therapist that encompasses various pathways of motivation for them to learn and grow while maintaining a focus on your present accomplishments. Optimal Communication is consistently the key to a healthy relationship."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The right therapist is [a] man or woman with whom you see an immediate and continual improvement in your issue, up until the point when you no longer need them anymore.Think of them as a mechanic who should be able to fix your car relatively quickly; and, if he doesn't fix it, you fire him :)"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "One way is to bring one's concerns or desires to the therapist directly, rather than trying to subtly 'train' them. Here's why I say that:One quite important healing factor in a psychotherapy is discovering that problems in the therapy and the therapeutic relationship can be solved together.It is a safety zone or bridge for practicing that. If it can be done with a trained, usually safe person (the therapist), the client might think, wow--what are the implications for my outside life and relations? Could I get what I want outside of therapy, too, even if it feels not as safe?If the therapist can deal with feedback (and any good therapist should be able to), this can be very productive. Cooperation in this way, in the moment, with a live person who is supposed to have authority and knowledge in these matters, can be profoundly healing.If the therapist can't take feedback or doesn't want to--or does nothing to act on it--maybe we could say the client has the wrong therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "If you are seeking personal development and challenge resolution in a Christian context, I am the right counselor for you. I will balance the needs of your temperament with scripture, prayer, and cognitive therapy techniques."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You should feel generally comfortable with your therapist. Your therapist should be able to challenge you when necessary, and be able to provide support at other times. I don't know if you can really \"train\" your therapist to give you what you need from treatment. Definitely let your therapist know what you need or want from treatment and see what they have to say about your ideas. Do you think you are or at least will be able to make the progress you want to make with your current therapist? There isn't one \"right\" therapist for you. There should be a few therapists in your area you will work with well enough. If you can have a productive, open dialogue with your therapist and you feel comfortable enough then you may already be in the right place. If you are having lots of doubt about your therapist being the \"right\" one interview other therapists."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Your comfort with a therapist is one of the most essential aspects of a quality therapeutic relationship. Dont be afraid to ask questions about the therapists approach and background. Do you feel heard and understood? Do you find the feedback helpful and directed toward achieving your goals. Ensuring open communication with your therapist is primary to making sure you have the right therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You should like and trust your counselor. Sounds like a big ole DUH. But you will not believe the number of people I have met with that have described their past counselor as totally opposite than me or someone who didnt get me or had totally opposing beliefs as me. Suggestion to the masses, do your research prior to entering counseling! If you are someone who often cusses and is abrasive, you might not want to pick the counselor who is highly professional and uses sophisticated language throughout their site. Pick someone who is more in line with your personality and wants for your future.And even if you do your research beforehand and figure out you arent vibing after a few sessions, thats okay! Let your counselor know this, and who knows there might be something that can be done to make you feel more comfortable or maybe there isnt. But the good thing to note is that there are thousands of human helpers in your city and your counselor would be happy to provide you with a referral to a better fitting therapist.View full post here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/1/14/7-things-counseling-should-and-shouldnt-be"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I think it's crucial that a person finds the \"right\" therapist. Questions, questions, questions! First I would ask them if they have experience and training in whatever the primary issues are that you are wanting to work on. You want to make sure the therapist has the skills and experience to help you. It's okay to ask \"have you worked with these issues before?\" and \"Can you tell me what methods you use to treat these issues?\" and \"Are the methods you use evidenced-based?\" Then I would ask what expectations the therapist is going to have of you the client. Do they expect you to do homework, come with something to talk about each session, or keep a journal? See if their expectations align with what you are looking for. And lastly, I would schedule a session and \"try out\" the therapist. See if you feel comfortable and safe. As for \"training\" your therapist, I would suggest you be the leader of your therapy, ask for what you want, be direct and do hesitate to tell your therapist if you feel you are not getting what you need. They can't read your mind and would likely find that information very valuable. They want you to feel better and to make progress, and if they are going down the wrong path you should let them know."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The first thing I would ask yourself is how do you feel when it is time to go to therapy? What do you notice inside your body? Are you sick to your stomach? Neutral? Dreading it? Your body will give you indications as to how safe you feel. Your relationship with your therapist is like any other relationship...you need to feel safe, accepted and understood. You want to see someone who you look forward to sitting across from and feel comfortable talking about whatever is on your heart and mind. What are you preferences? Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female therapist? Does their age matter? What kind of therapy do you want to do? Do you know? If not, you might want to talk to friends or family who have done therapy and ask them what they liked or didn't like, what worked for them and what the process was like. You can always talk to a prospective therapist about all the questions you have (Have they worked with others with your issues? Have they ever been in therapy? Where did they go to school? What kind of training do they have? Etc.) You may not know in the first session or two if you have the right therapist but pay attention to how you feel while you are there. Your therapist should check in with you and ask how you are feeling. If it's not a good match for you, your therapist should try and help you find someone who will be a good match. Your trust and connection with your therapist is the biggest indicator for success in therapy. Both of you should be concerned about your alliance and any good therapist will want you to find the best therapist for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You can certainly ask the therapist questions such as their style or issues they have experience working with. You can also determine whether a therapist is the right fit if you feel a connection or alliance and feel that you are working together toward your goals. It is important to be open and honest with your therapist about what you are looking for in counseling."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Though this varies from person to person, I think finding the right therapist involves finding someone who you're comfortable opening up to and speaking your mind, including your preferred areas of focus for treatment. It's important to be aligned with your therapist's general approach and, to find someone who you feel genuinely attuned to, both in practice and also, with who they are as a person. Bringing up your needs for treatment is key and finding someone who validates your needs, listens and welcomes feedback are all important building blocks for creating space for a great working relationship that promotes personal growth, openness and invites adaptable approaches in session, based on your individual needs."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "How do you know anything is \"right\" for you? I think it's an intuitive process, and not always based on the objective expertise of the therapist, either (most psychotherapy research has concluded that the client-therapist relationship is the strongest factor in success in therapy.) But, in my view what is important to check-in with yourself around whether or not the therapist can hold space for all that you come in with (for example, not expressing discomfort with things you might talk about is a big \"run away\"), challenge you enough where you feel like it is challenging you to grow, but also where there is some part of you that does look forward to the sessions.How to \"train\" your therapist? This could be a session in and of itself I must say:) The therapist-client relationship can resemble many of the relationships in your life, or those that you seek out. A therapist, like anyone else in your life, won't be able to give you what you need 100% of the time and then expect that you will be able to function outside of the space. That can turn into a highly enabling process that won't help your other relationships. However, what the therapist can do, and help you deal with, is to tell you what they can and can't give you, and then process the disappointment that you feel when they can't be everything you might feel you need."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The most important part of therapy is finding a therapist who is the right fit and you feel you can connect to. Feeling comfortable with your therapist and feeling that you can be vulnerable is what will assist in helping you find what you want out of therapy. It also sounds like discussing with a potential therapist your expectations for therapy. Also, I would read up on what the therapy process is like so that you are aware of the role the therapist is supposed to play in your life. As long as a therapist is ethical and not breaking any ethical practices, find someone you connect with and can share with."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist for you may take time - or you may find one the first try. Two important things to think about when first finding a therapist are do I feel safe? and do I feel heard? The first time seeing a therapist can be anxiety provoking. It may be uncomfortable. Unless there are giant red flags about a therapist (things beyond meeting someone for the first time and answering uncomfortable but important questions), I always suggest seeing a therapist 3-4 times before making a decision to try another. It may end up that you feel like your therapist isnt the best fit for you, but again, I encourage you to give them a couple times before moving on. When you get past the initial sessions of paperwork and gathering information, you can gauge the client - therapist relationship better, and when you find the right person to work with, you will know it."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Quick Way to Assess a Great TherapistA colleague and I were discussing the characteristics of successful therapists. I gave him some traits, some of which were listed by Robinson (2012). The therapist should be able to listen to your story, build rapport, establish a relationship, demonstrate empathy, adapt treatments to the client/situation, use effective communication skills, exhibit confidence in use of therapeutic techniques, and repeatedly update skills with ongoing education and research. You should talk with the therapist. In addition to asking the therapist about his/her experiences and specialty in treating the issue you want to address; you will gain a sense of the therapists ability to connect with you in your first phone call or meeting with him/her. This is why I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation. You can use the above criteria to gauge the therapists ability to do the following: Hear you, join with you in understanding the issue, and indicate some ways in which the issue may be treated.Regarding training a therapist, just ask the therapist if he or she can comply with what you are looking for, or what has worked with you before if you have had prior counseling. If you just like a therapist to listen, you are looking for a non-directive therapist. If you want one to be more active in guiding you, choose a directive therapist. You can also ask them with which type of client/issue they work best.I specialize treating anxiety and relationships and would like to talk with you if you have questions about how I may be able to help you. Jim Ciraky PhDLicensed Professional Counselor GA, USAAdventHelp.com404.293.5654"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The therapeutic relationship should be collaborative. The client is the expert on their life, and the therapist is the expert on helping the client to develop their sense of being. Growth occurs as a result of challenges. Therefore, I would suggest not looking to train the therapist, but rather to find one that will help you develop into the you that you desire to be. Finding the right therapist is like finding a pair of black heels. Not just any black heels will do. But when you find them, you just know that your search is over. It is also wise to expect that they wont always feel comfortable."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Finding the right therapist can be difficult, especially if you've never tried it before. Things to consider are location, availability and what specifically are you looking for. Some practitioners specifically only work with a certain type of issue (i.e eating disorders, adolescents, anger management, life transitions, anxiety...etc) and others can work with a variety of concerns.As far as training your therapist, you can't. You simply let them know what you are looking to work on or what you think may be an issue for you. Depending on the way they practice(their style of working with clients) is how they will then decide to make a treatment plan that works best for you.You can always ask them their specialty practice population, the problems they generally help others with and what type of mental health provider they are (Psychologist, social worker, licensed mental health counselor)."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Choosing the right therapist can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming. I know many people come to therapy with hesitations and potential fears but a therapist should be there to help you along the way and support you as you build a trusting and collaborative relationship. You won't have to \"train\" your therapist to give you what you need. Through open dialogue and feedback you and your therapist, together, can determine what works best for you. But do remember that being able to trust your therapist to guide and support you is key. So if you're having a hard time connecting with your therapist after 3-4 sessions, you will want to bring it up to them so you can discuss any barriers and if needed, request a referral for another therapist."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Counselors do not expect to gain your trust during the first session. Trust is earned and gained through the therapeutic process. You may know you have the right therapist if you feel a lack of judgement or even unconditional positive regard for the choices you make in therapy. Good counselors will keep you accountable for your actions without making you feel ashamed of the choice you made.Counselors already have the training to give you what you need in treatment, and if they don't they are ethically obligated to refer you to a provider that does. That being said, the first few visits with your counselor will be goal oriented- creating realistic and obtainable goals that will allow you and your therapist to see positive change when it is made."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You will know you have the right therapist when you feel at ease and comfortable to share deep feelings.You do not hold back and feel total acceptance and validation by your therapist. Listen to your feelings and letthem guide your decision.Your therapist and you will work together to decide what is best for you with regards to the type of treatment, frequency andduration. It is about collaborating and deciding together on the treatment plan that will help you to achieve your counseling goals."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The most important thing is it has to feel right. While that sounds vague and not very scientific it is the most important part of therapy. Us counselors call it therapeutic rapport and without it therapy is not very effective. You want to know you can trust your therapist, that you are not being judged, that they respect your privacy, that you feel comfortable talking to them about the good and the bad. You want to feel heard and know you therapist is genuine . Not all therapist are a good fit for everyone. Go with your gut :) As an added note I recommend going with a therapist who has done their own therapy!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "What an important question! I think one of the first things to assess is this: Do you feel comfortable with your therapist? Do you feel like you can talk openly about what's going on in your life without feeling judged? Do you experience your therapy as a safe space to process your thoughts and feelings? Feeling comfortable with your therapist is a crucial factor.Once you feel comfortable with your therapist, you can have a conversation about what works for you in therapy. Tell your therapist what is helpful, and what you don't find helpful. A skilled therapist can shift his or her style and techniques to meet your individual needs, and this may be an ongoing conversation that the two of you have during therapy.Oftentimes, there is just an X factor between client and therapist that either makes the relationship work or can make it feel like something is missing. This is no one's fault, it's just that not every therapist will be a perfect match for every client.If you feel uncomfortable with your therapist or feel like that x factor is missing, it is a good idea to keep searching for therapist who is right for you."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question. Finding the right therapist can be tricky because you don't really know how someone will be like until you meet them. A few ways to prescreen are to:- Visit the therapist's website, psychologytoday profile, social media, etc...- Have a phone call with the therapist prior to your first appointmentOnce you meet your therapist it is important to be clear with your wishes and expectations. We are trained in helping you thrive in your life but we cannot mind read so if you don't tell us, we won't know. Don't be shy about what you like and what you don't like. A good therapist will listen to your needs, process them with you, and create a customized plan that works for you and your life. A good therapist will also not take anything you say (even criticism) personally.Coming to therapy is hard and often times you might not want to go. What makes a good therapist is someone who understands this and tries to make you feel as comfortable as possible while you address uncomfortable topics."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "I believe that the right counsellor will help you feel empowered, supported and understood. You should feel comfortable opening up and not be concerned that they will judge you for what you say or decide to do. I find this important to let my clients know during intake that they will never be judged for the decisions they decide to take while going over options in sessions together with me.In terms of what you need from treatment, please feel comfortable to open up to your therapist and tell them what you need from them. For example, do you prefer them to challenge you with questions, listen to your story and ask questions throughout or near the end, give you work to do outside of sessions? The therapy sessions will work best for you if you can help them support you in what will work for you.It can sometimes take a few trials of different therapists to find the right one so please do not give up if you feel disheartened! You should feel proud of yourself for taking the first big step in asking for help, that is not easy to do and you are on the right track already!"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a great question. There could be a few ways to know that youve found a good fit and you and your therapist are therapeutically compatible. First, I would recommend listening to your intuition and pay attention to how you feel, if there are feeling-indicators that you are comfortable, feel safe and willing to open up and share your story. Second, do you feel the therapist you are considering will support and challenge you in ways you need. Some therapist offers a free consultation. This might be a good opportunity to take advantage of.Stephanie C, MA, LADC, LPCC (pre-licensed)www.stephanietherapy.com <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:\"Cambria Math\"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-536859905 -1073732485 9 0 511 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:\"\"; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:\"Calibri\",sans-serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:\"Times New Roman\"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-family:\"Calibri\",sans-serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:\"Times New Roman\"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page WordSection1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.WordSection1 {page:WordSection1;} -->"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Good question!The client's job is to concentrate on stating the details of their problem and to thoughtfully engage in a dialogue about these areas with the therapist.The most difficult job for a client is willingness to self-examine, hold oneself accountable for relationship and life situations, and honestly feel the difficult, often painful feelings and insecurities which troubling situations create.The client doesn't train the therapist.If you feel you are with a therapist who requires you to train them, then politely decline continuing to pay for their services.Then find yourself a different therapist who feels secure and knowledgeable enough in their skills to not require training by their client."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "Thinking whether or not you have the right therapist can be overwhelming if you are not sure what you want or need. But think of this, you feel safe and comfortable that you share what youve never told anybody. You feel understood and listened to. You feel their support. You trust them. Do you believe they can help you? If you do not, then that might make it hard for you to want to open up.As far as how would you how to train your therapist to help you. If you know what you need all you have to do is share this with your therapist. If you dont know then therapy is a collaborative process so both you and your therapist will work together to figure out your needs and how to best meet them."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "The \"right\" therapist is a combination of expertise in the areas where you require, and fit as far as how comfortable you feel in speaking and sharing with that person. People generally are quite good at determining whether or not someone fits well with their personality and style; and another key to know whether therapy is working is to ask yourself: \"Do I see that changes have come about since working with this therapist?\" Do I feel better? Am I reaching goals that I set at the onset of therapy? Are difficult situations becoming easier by how I handle them? Training a therapist really isn't necessary, as all it requires is open and honest communication in order to give effective feedback that will in turn be helpful to you and your goals."}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "You have the right therapist if you feel safe with that person. Safety consists of feeling that who you are and what you say is valued. The right therapist is not an 'all knowing person you must obey'. He or she is a person with skilled knowledge who respects you as a partner in your self discovery. The right therapist is also one who is kind"}, {"questionTitle": "How would I know if I have the right therapist?", "questionText": "How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to \"train\" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?", "answerText": "This is a really important question, because you don't want to waste your time and money with a therapist who is not a good fit for you. I think the most important factor that makes a good therapist match is trust-- do you trust this person to be able to help you meet your therapy goals? There are few things you can do upfront to test this out, without spending a dime. First, ask for personal recommendations from friends or others. If you know someone who had a great experience with a certain therapist, you'll feel more confident in that person right off the bat. Second, do your online research. Google the person's name and read everything you can find. Many therapists are starting to develop more of an online presence because they know that's a way future clients can develop trust without even stepping in their door. See if they have a blog, social media posts, or even just read the tone of the content on their website. This might give you a glimpse of their therapy style. Finally, you can call or email potential therapists and provide a brief overview of your presenting problem and describe what you're looking for in your ideal therapist. It sounds like you have a specific idea of what you're looking for... most therapists will be honest if they don't feel they're going to meet your expectations. Some therapists offer free short phone consultations which can help you both decide if you would work well together. Do your homework upfront, and you'll be well on your way to finding a great therapist for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely it's normal to cry in therapy sessions. Sometimes clients have stories they never shared with anyone or never said out loud and that results to crying. Crying is a normal reaction to feeling hurt or sad or sometimes angry. I welcome all crying to my therapy room."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is generally very normal to cry in therapy, and for many reasons. Therapy should be a safe space to explore emotions as they come up and how you cope with these emotions. I would encourage you to talk with your therapist about crying and to explore your experience of emotions/feelings. Sometimes people will apologize for crying. However, emotions and expression of emotions is part of being human. There is no \"right\" or \"wrong\" emotion to have. How we express and cope with emotions is more of something to explore in therapy if it is hindering your life. Either extreme of keeping emotions in and avoiding or feeling like your emotions run your life/struggle to regulate your emotions is something to explore in therapy, as this is often the most distressing and troublesome for people. Hopefully this provides some insight."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's more than just normal, it's expected! Quite honestly, there are a very few days where at least one client hasn't cried during therapy throughout the day.-IJP"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes it is absolutely normal! A good therapist can help your feel safe enough to really identify painful wounds. There are some things that need to be cried about before they can heal. Therapists are fine with tears and buy tissues by the case.That said, if you don't cry during therapy it doesn't mean you are doing it \"wrong\". As long as you feel safe and have a sense that your therapist \"gets you\", and you feel progress during your course of treatment, you are doing therapy \"right\"!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's normal many times we are not able to cry in our day to day. When you are able to open up the tears come to."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is very normal to cry in therapy. Often times this is a time when you can let your guard down, you can feel safe in this environment and allow yourself to feel all your feelings. Feelings are valid. We often hold our feelings, tears inside, and once we feel safe, our bodies feel safe to release them."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying is a natural emotional. You are not alone. Crying can help you to feel relieved. Therapy is your journey, and there is no right or wrong emotion to feel while you are healing. Therapy is a place where you do not have to feel alone. It is also a place where you address things that you have never faces or suppressed for years. If you shed tears while doing that, I applaud you for having the courage to be on your therapeutic journey."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is completely NORMAL and can be incredibly helpful. Some times we just need to let things out with a good cry. Having a non-judgmental open space to do that be so therapeutic. It sounds like you are really putting in the work you are in need of."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, its normal to cry. It doesnt matter if it happens in the therapy office or at home. Some people feel like there exposed or open when they do this or even guilt when in front of a therapist but this isnt something to be concerned with. They are trained to be understand and empathize with there clients."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Therapy often brings up big emotions - and generally ones that we may have been pushing down for a long time! Crying is one of the ways that our body deals with a sudden change in emotions. It's a bodily function just like any other. There's no \"normal\" way to be in therapy, but crying is a frequent occurrence in the office; it's why most therapists have a tissue box close to where you sit!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes! Definitely common for people to cry during a therapy session. For some folks, therapy is the safest place for them to truly allow themselves to have, or express, their emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely! It is very normal to cry during a therapy session. During a session lots of different feelings will come up. When sadness and grief show up you are going to feel them in your body and crying is our way of expressing them. Sometimes we even cry when we feel anger or joy. Your therapist should provide a safe place for you to express all your feelings and help you process them. It is part of the work of therapy and it sounds like you are doing the work. Good luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely!!! Therapy is the place to be yourself! The messy self that most people dont get to see. Therapy is not a time to be strong by holding in your emotions, its a time to be real. Be honest with how you feel."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is not just you! If you are crying during therapy, or if you are crying outside of therapy, that is a good thing! It means that you are allowing yourself to feel your feelings rather than push your feelings to the side and try to get over them. When a person allows themselves to cry they are doing important work to work through and get to the route of what they are feeling. Good for you! It is not easy to cry, especially in front of others, and it takes a strong person to try to work through their feelings by going to therapy."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely crying is very normal in therapy for many reasons. Some people after a good cry feel better , in other words crying can be a stress reliever. To other people who have never spoken about their pain, talking about it can trigger raw emotions and can lead to crying.To other people who have never been heard, therapy can create an environment of being heard, which can be validating and healing.If your heart has experienced so much loss, it maybe grieving and the tears are an expression of deep emotional pain.Sometimes your heart can experience so much joy and gratitude that crying maybe the way you express it.So if you find yourself crying in therapy, do not shame yourself. You are not being weak but expressing your emotions in a healthy way."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes sir/maam it is ok and often good to do. Sometimes there are cathartic moments, or a sense of loss, emotional memories (positive and less positive) that come up. The thing is you have a licensed professional to hold space for you and to ensure you are safe. They will attend to you and ensure you are in a decent place before the session ends. We got you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's normal to experience many intense emotions in therapy. Sometimes those emotions lead to tears- so, long story short... yes! It's also quite common for emotions like frustration and even anger to be felt during the therapeutic process. Change and processing is hard. Allow the emotions to come through naturally and discuss them if it seems like it would be helpful."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Participating in therapy can be incredibly vulnerable at times, and can evoke lots of emotions that may or may not lead to tears. It is okay to experience these emotions in and outside of the therapy space. Therapy should be a safe place for you to be yourself, be in the moment, and give freedom toward healing and personal growth."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying - Shedding of Tears...9 Ways Crying May Benefit Your HealthDetoxifies the body. Reflex tears clear debris, like smoke and dust, from your eyes. ...Helps self-soothe. Crying may be one of your best mechanisms to self-soothe. ...Dulls pain. ...Improves mood. ...Rallies support. ...Helps you recover from grief. ...Restores emotional balance. ...Helps baby breathe. ...Helps baby sleep. ..."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's not just you... crying is one way our bodies attempt to heal. There could be many reasons why the tears come but there is nothing wrong or abnormal about crying in therapy. Just the opposite as many times there is a deep need to mourn or simply let the pain out, but not everyone has a good support system in place. Hopefully, therapy would give you a place to allow those feelings to finally surface and then start to feel relief from not having to hold it all inside anymore. Regardless of if it is a physical injury or emotional pain, crying is a normal response to your body wanting to heal. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve care and nurturing. Allow the tears as much as you need."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely Normal to cry during therapy !"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's not uncommon and you're not alone. Many people cry during therapy, it's one of the coping skills your body has to release. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying at therapy is a normal reaction to processing through complex emotions and trauma in life. I have often encouraged individuals to cry as a physical sign of the release of emotional pain."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely! In fact it is encouraged to let it out and embrace the hurt. Trust me when I say this, \"you're not alone.\" Many of my patients cry, especially the men after seeing that there is no shame in crying in session. It is almost as if they're seeking permission to be able to let go. My thoughts on crying is that in order for someone to appropriately process the pain, hurt and suffering one might be experiencing you have to work through it and let it all out. Crying is cathartic and healing. Therapy is one of the safest places to be vulnerable and peel back the layers of the onion, so you can get to the roots of the issues that have been weighing on you. Let it out and let go so you can move forward and feel the weight lifted off your shoulders,"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Therapy is a safe space where clients can allow themselves to experience feelings that they have not, otherwise expressed elsewhere. Crying is absolutely \"normal\" and it allows the client to process their feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's normal to cry. Crying is a very healthy and cathartic process that allows for you to fully experience whatever emotion you feel, whether it be tears of joy or tears of sorrow. To cry in therapy is quite normal and there shouldn't be anything wrong with it. Crying is a part of being human. It's a part of expressing how we feel and it is a beautiful thing."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying in therapy may or may not be different than crying outside of therapy. Crying is something described as a sign of weakness, however depending on who you ask and your own beliefs, crying is actually a sign of strength, courage and vulnerability.If you are crying or experience tearfulness while in therapy that proves that you were strong enough to share something that may have been difficult or that you waited to do this all week before seeing your therapist again. Maybe you have been so strong for others that you felt overwhelmed. Maybe you just needed to let it out because you haven't in a while. Maybe in your therapy session you just experience that 'aha moment' that represents a cry of joy. Crying is a catharsis that assist with self-soothing and helps to relieve pain.Crying is normal. Continue to let it out and allow your therapist to be there to support you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "There's a reason why I tell all of my clients that I have a lifetime supply of tissues in my office! Yes, it is completely normal to cry in therapy. Many of us go through our days trying to hold it all together, keeping our emotions inside so that we don't have a meltdown in the grocery store or a business meeting. Therapy is a safe place to let those feelings out, which means that we see a lot of tears in our work. Therapy can also involve confronting difficult experiences from our lives that we've been trying to ignore or suppress, which can lead to emotional outpourings. A competent therapist will be able to support you safely through this process so that you can move forward with your healing. We therapists are trained to bear compassionate witness to the full range of human expression. So please feel free to let those tears flow in therapy!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely if your crying it means that you are releasing your emotions we counselors are trained to handle that kind of thing"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "YES. Absolutely it is appropriate to cry during a therapy session (or all of them). Crying is a physical representation of acknowledging, expressing, and releasing emotion. Our bodies are very smart and often know what we need to heal. The urge to cry is our body telling us it may be time to let some stuff out."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Your therapy sessions and goals are for you and about you. They are not meant to be compared to anyone else's sessions and goals. Crying can occur in many different scenarios, such as when you're happy, relieved, have just heard the funniest joke, and of course, when you're sad. All of these feelings are valid and your tears are part of how your body experiences those feelings. If you're often sad and working through a lot of sadness in your therapy sessions, it is reasonable to expect that you may cry a lot during therapy.If you're crying, and you aren't able to connect it to an emotional experience or feeling, that is something to discuss with your therapist. It can sometimes be difficult to name our feelings, and the behaviors get ahead of our thinking brain to try and communicate for us. Maybe your tears are trying to tell you something about your feelings. Either way, your therapy sessions should be a safe space for you to cry, feel, investigate, and connect."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "it is quite normal as conversations we have may touch on emotions, thoughts and feelings that have been covered up for a long time. Just as laughter (which may also be present in therapy), joy, sadness, reflections, these are all emotions and insights that can occur. Allowing yourself to feel and express yourself in a space of safety is freeing and enlightening. Not all sessions can have that but those moments are wonderful and continue on ones pattern of growth. Grab a Kleenex and let it out!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Not just you but everyone is different. Some people need to cry and others dont."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "I can't tell you how many times I've heard people talk about terrible things that have happened to them yet they don't shed a tear. Is that normal? Well, yes, but not exactly healthy.It's normal becausethey've been conditioned this way. If you feel shame around crying, then you most likely learned at some point in your life that it's not okay to cry. Most people have been told at some point in their life, \"don't cry!\" or \"don't be sad!\" But some people have had this message imprinted in their minds by negative experiences such as parent who shamed them or got mad at them for crying, or simply by cultural or societal messages.The truth is, whether you're male, female, black, white, asian, etc.- we're all humans and crying is a natural response that allows our bodies to express (i.e. release)pain. It literally helps to get the emotional pain out. If you don't express your sadness in a healthy way (writing or creating art to represent your emotions can be other healthy outlets) then it will find another way to get your attention, and that will likely not be healthy (self harm, inflicting harm on others, numbing/dissociating, anxiety, etc.).So to answer your question, it is normal and healthy to cry in therapy. If you have no other place where you can allow yourself to cry with someone to witness and hold space for your pain, then you are already benefitting from therapy. I would suggest exploring your beliefs around crying with your therapist if you feel ashamed of it. This is all too common, but I believe that many people would start to feel better if they didn't judge themselves for crying or feeling sad. Honor your pain and you will feel more at peace."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Therapy is a safe place where we address a host of different issues. Many times things come up that we may have been too busy to address or we have become skilled in avoiding. We usually avoid or push away painful experiences. When we open ourselves to the healing process of therapy these painful things can be brought forward. Humans cry for many reasons. Commonly we cry when something touches us deeply and is related to a strong emotion of sadness, hurt, confusion, happiness, relief, or some other emotion. It would be natural for the body to respond to these emotions through crying. As a side note: we keep kleenex in every room of our office, lobby, and common areas.http://www.liferebirthed.com"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is normal to cry in therapy.When opening up and talking about uncomfortable feelings or experiences that a person has been holding onto, there is a lot of emotion that is being released whether during a therapy session, close friend or family member.We all have painful memories and feelings. Talking about things brings up a lot and tears sometimes will follow. If you cry during a session, it just means that you have been holding onto difficult thoughts/feelings that you finally are ready to look at and talk about.In the beginning of working with a therapist, lot of people feel uncomfortable when they cry. Often they will apologize for their tears, question why they are crying now or try to dehumanize their feelings by labeling them ( i.e. as silly, stupid, annoying). There is no need to apologize or use labels, as therapists know that with therapy comes healing. Sometimes healing needs tears.Life at times is difficult and the stories behind one's emotions can be moving for both a client and therapist. As a therapist, I sometimes find myself wiping a few tears away too. That's when you know someone is really listening to what you are sharing and understands the road you've walked.-Adrienne Licari -http://www.positivetherapyservices.com"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Emotion is the most \"normal\" and human activity that any person has the freedom to exercise. Therapy is a place to explore freely, the deepest most ignored, and often denied concerns. Often time this process will evoke responses that were unexpected, but perhaps needed. What better place to begin exploring this than with a trained, unbiased person? Crying speaks to the development of connection and is symbolic of acceptance, and freedom of what was being held on to, which may not have been beneficial."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Are you crying because you are sad? Perhaps this is your heart breaking open ready to cope with your issues. When we are sad and we don't cry maybe it's because we are guarded and our ego is trying to protect us."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It for sure is! It is a natural thing considering the act of therapy can be really cathartic and release emotions in a way that it makes sense to cry. There is nothing wrong with it at all! It is a healthy part of processing strong emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is absolutely normal to cry at therapy! It is common for a client to cry during a session. Crying can be therapeutic, especially for someone who is used to not allowing him/herself to feel his/her feelings. I create a safe space in order for you to be able to share your tears, as well as support you in understanding what your tears mean."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Oh My! Absolutely it is! I half jokingly tell my clients if I don't make you cry at least 1x during therapy, I am not doing my JOB! I also let them know I am highly sensitive and may tear up with them, but not to worry, I cry at a good hallmark commercial :) Crying in therapy is not only normal, it is healthy and expected. I keep 3 tissue boxes in my office, all within grabbing distance. When you are in there, a lot of times you are working on really heavy, difficult stuff that maybe you have not shared before, and that may stir up emotions and tears. People don't tell you how hard of work therapy is, but it TRULY is HARD WORK if you are doing it right. Let the tears flow, they are cleansing and can help you heal."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely. We talk about vulnerable things and crying is a human response. I encourage my clients to cry and let out whatever they were holding in. It's not just you. I cry with my therapist as well :)"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is absolutely normal to cry during a therapy session and people do it all the time for a wide variety of reasons. Often in therapy, you're talking about the heaviest things in your life and the emotions that surface can be beyond your control, so don't try to force it; let it out. If it is something that you are self-conscious about, bring it up in your next session. Your therapist should be able to put you at ease. Therapy is not always easy and sometimes it can be downright gut-wrenching. It's not just you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "The very act of therapy is about purging that which you've been holding on to. Sometimes while we talk about and let things go, crying happens, which is a natural emotional response to processing something complex. Sometimes we get really angry and mad, sometimes, there is no emotional response. All is well, keep going!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Therapy brings people in for many different reasons. Most of the time it is because something in your life is not right and having someone to talk to that is not a friend or family member can be very helpful. We have many emotions, some are easy to share in front of others, some are not as easy. When you step into the therapy room, you go in with expectations of some sort. Even if you did not expect to cry, it is quite normal to do so.Talking about your emotions in the counseling room can be helpful as part of your therapy. Share with your counselor what it feels like for you to cry in therapy, as you explore together you will learn more about the connection between thoughts and feelings."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Hello,Crying in therapy is extremely normal, especially if it is your first time attending a counseling session. Very often Clients will come to therapy either for the first time, or perhaps after many years of having attended therapy previously, and often find the weight on their shoulders being lifted when they finally have a chance to let go and allow themselves to experience the emotions that they have been holding back. As mentioned, it is perfectly normal to cry during the therapy session. However, one must realize that having a safe space to cry is not the end goal, but rather being able to work through the issues that are causing the distress. Please do not feel that your counselor will not understand why you are crying. We are well trained therapists who recognize the power of therapy and how vulnerable people can often be when youre talking to somebody who is nearly a total stranger. It takes a certain amount of bravery to be able to go to a therapist and discuss the issues that you might feel cannot be shared with anyone else.Therapy can be a very healing time, but it requires courage, determination, and being willing to be vulnerable enough to address the issues that are impairing a functioning in your life. Be willing to work with your counselor to address the emotional side of the problems and challenges you are facing in your life. You do not have to feel like you need to cry in every session, but there will be times when crying will be a natural occurrence in the course of counseling sessions. If the therapist has done things correctly, you are to feel fully supported and safe in the environment of working for your issues.If I can be of further assistance, and you are in the Tacoma, Washington area, please feel free to reach out to me. I would be honored to work with you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is never out of the ordinary to get emotional during a session. Sometimes we will ask clients to talk about some pretty intense topics, and that can easily trigger the emotions wired with those topics.Even knowing that, it can be really tough to experience that level of vulnerability. If you are seeing a therapist currently, it could help to process how it feels to you to show raw emotion if that's something that concerns you.Either way, it is awesome that your body was able to let some stress out for you!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is normal to cry anytime you want to. Sometimes the tears don't make sense to us and that's okay. It is important to recognize those tears as telling you something about how you are feeling that you may be missing."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying in therapy is a natural response, a relief to what you are going through. It is an expression of emotions, which is why you are going to therapy - to express yourself in a safe, nonjudgmental space.Rather than trying to stop crying, sit on the couch with it until it is done and you have finished with the clearing. The energy is not blocked, is moving - a good thing. It's good to cry."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Although not everyone cries in therapy. In my opinion crying is a emotion that some express in therapy. Crying is something that some express when its hard to discuss situations that may have never been discussed, When discussing traumatic experiences, and at times crying has even happened to some of my past clients when they have had a breakthrough in their therapy process."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is absolutely normal to cry in therapy. Therapy is a place to be honest about and explore your feelings without feeling judged. Honesty is the only way you will benefit from therapy and that means being willing to look at your true emotions rather than avoiding them."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely! Therapy is the best time to have the opportunity to open up and deal with the range of emotions that may be bothering you. Therapy is a safe space to take time out of your normal daily life and cope with the emotions that are hiding underneath. If, for some reason, you are not comfortable in therapy, you should address this concern with your therapist or find someone whom you feel more comfortable opening up with and express yourself comfortably."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying is clearing. It is a release of energy and toxins. Crying is a good thing and a great way to let go and move forward!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Therapy is such a personal process and often brings many emotions to the forefront, so yes, it very normal to cry in therapy. Often you are talking about your deepest challenges and fears, so it is quite typical to expect some tears when making yourself so vulnerable."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's absolutely normal. Therapy provides a space where you can be free to express yourself and experience all of your emotions fully. Crying is a form of release, and many people feel like they do not have any other space where they can let out their emotions. Crying can be a healthy way to be present with your emotions. While not everyone will cry during a therapy session, you're not the first, and definitely not the last."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Dang right it's normal, and even necessary at times.Weeping provides chemical shifts which also shift the experience you're having. Not only are their physical detoxification benefits to crying, but there are also emotional releases that come with it.Weeping can be the first step to an unclogging of a blockage, so that your energy can flow more smoothly."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "This is one of those cases where there is \"no wrong answer.\"Many people DO cry, while others do not. Some people speak quietly, others may yell, and some find it painfully difficult to say anything at all in a therapeutic setting.My office has tissues readily on hand, and any client who uses them is assured that they are free to express the emotions they feel in a safe space."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "For many people, crying is a stress-release valve. It is perfectly OK to cry in counseling!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "I love to see tears! There's an old saying, \"The eyes are the windows to the soul.\" External emotions are a pretty good indicator of what's going on inside the person, and if tears are present, that often means the person is processing (i.e., moving forward) through their emotions! I'm more concerned when I don't see tears from my clients because that can mean the client is \"stuck.\" So, don't feel bad for crying! You are moving through your emotions to a place of healing!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Cry? Of course you can cry!Therapy is a safe place where you can be who you are with no fear of being judged. Every counselor/therapist is dedicated to protect the confidentiality (with some exceptions) of all that happens in session. Crying helps to release tension and help secure free emotional space. It may provide you with the presence of mind that therapy demands."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Absolutely normal! Therapy should be a place where you can feel safe to explore and express all of your emotions. Some clients may cry easier than others and there is no \"right way\" to do therapy. I have many clients who cry each session. And I have many other clients who cry periodically. And I have others who haven't cried once. Each person is different however therapy should be a place where you feel safe expressing yourself."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Of course! There are some people who will never cry during sessions and some that always cry. In counseling you may be talking about very vulnerable topics and experiences and it may even be the first time you are talking to someone about your concerns, thoughts, or feelings. It is perfectly natural to cry if you are so moved."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it's totally normal! Crying is a part of processing the tough stuff, no matter your age, gender or background and the therapeutic session is a safe space to do this. Sometimes crying can offer relief or provide room for deeper authenticity in session as you let both your strength and vulnerability shine in alignment."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying during a therapy session is not unusual. When we are in a safe environment, such as a therapists office, it allows us to disarm our defenses. By disarming our defenses we are able to feel and express our emotions. Oftentimes, these emotions result in tears. I personally feel that crying in a therapy session is the one of the most beautiful parts of the healing process."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is very normal. Some people cry frequently, but not fully. Theyre good at crying but never seem to heal from whats hurting them.Crying is supposed to be good for you. Tears contain toxins, after all. And feel-good chemicals are released in the body whenever we cry tears of sadness.Never judge your feelings while youre having them; theres always a reason somethings a big deal to you.Cry for your own pain, not just for others. Crying in movies and when listening to sad songs is a good way to let off some built-up emotion. But you may not be dealing directly with your own hurts when that happens. Remember its okay to cry for yourself.Let yourself cry over spilt milk. You dont have to wait till somebody dies. You can cry about anything that triggers you, no matter how seemingly trivial.Dont set a time limit on tears. Your heart will decide when enough is enough. If you connect with the true source of your pain, youll find its finite. But you dont get to dictate a time limit for your sorrow. Be patient.Pick up where you left off. If you have to keep a stiff upper lip, perhaps because youre at work, check in with yourself later and see how you feel. Reflect on the incident in private if you feel its unresolved. Dontstressout if you cant recapture the pain. Tears are like cats: You cant lead them on a leash.Speak only kind words to yourself. When you cry, watch for self-critical and invalidatingself-talklike this:Its not that big a dealIm too sensitiveBig boys/girls dont cryInstead, say, Im sorry and Im with you and I love you. Dont say these things in order to make yourself stop crying. Say them in order to be compassionate to yourself.Cry in public. If youve never cried in public before, you may be surprised to find that many people will be drawn to you. Your tears make you vulnerable, and therefore no threat to others. Kindness is a frequent response to public tears.If you remember just one thing from this post, let it beself-compassion."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, many people cry during therapy! Crying can offer a type of release as your body reacts to the input of your autonomic nervous system. Some people release endorphins when they cry, which can make you feel better than before. If you're concerned about how much you cry during therapy, it might be good to discuss with your therapist. They may be able to make some suggestions of how to honor your feelings in a way that works for you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is normal to experience many different emotions in therapy because you are dealing with issues and situations that matter to you. Sometimes you may cry, sometimes you may feel joy, and sometimes you may feel relief. Sometimes you might even feel anger. Everything you feel in therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and help you grow."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is very normal to cry during a therapy appointment. When you meet with a counselor, you are opening yourself up and sharing very vulnerable sides of yourself. Through this deep introspection, emotions (sometimes unexpected) can come out and this is completely okay and very healthy. Research has shown that crying reduces pain by releasing oxytocin and endorphins and reduces stress through the release of stress reduction hormones."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Definitely. Therapy helps us work through the tough stuff. Its a safe place where we can let our guards down. When you are getting things out verbally, a physical and emotional response is completely natural. Crying is a healthy release. Many people cry during therapy - some perhaps once in a while, and others may every session. Wherever you are on that spectrum, it is absolutely normal and you are not at all alone."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, absolutely. In therapy you will be delving into topics and feelings that are often suppressed throughout daily life. As you explore many emotions may come up, anger, disappointment, grief, frustration, sadness, to name a few. These and many other emotions often lead to crying and your therapist will be there to hold space and support you through it. Crying is a very healthy release of energy so feeling comfortable enough with your therapist that it happens during session is a great thing!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It's absolutely normal to cry in therapy. I imagine that you are being vulnerable and open to exploring some deep seeded issues. Also, it may be a good sign that you feel safe and held with your therapist that you are able to freely express those strong emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Change is about giving a new meaning to past experience, to allow for the emotions we stored in our body to be freed. Crying is normal and one way to process emotions to help let go and integrate our experiences."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yep. Counseling can be very emotional at times. I've recommended to clients, on occation, that they allow themselves the rest of the day off after doing trauma work."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Crying in therapy is definitely normal. A lot of people, if not most, cry in therapy. Why does it happen? During therapy you'll explore your thoughts and emotions. Some of them will be pleasant: joy, hope, excitement, etc., so you will smile and laugh. Others may be more unpleasant, such as grief, sadness or anger, so you may feel like shouting or crying. It's healthy to accept and feel all your emotions and to express them in appropriate ways. Crying is a good way of expressing sadness, disappointment and helplessness. If you try to cut off some of the \"negative\" feelings, you are likely to also cut off your positive ones and feel numb as a result. Crying in therapy speaks to your ability to relax and let go in the presence of another human being (essential for healthy relationships!) and it also speaks to your therapist's skills at making you feel safe and comfortable. Good for you! It's your therapy and you can cry if you want to!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is very normal to cry in therapy. Expressing your feelings is very cathartic and allows you togain a deeper understanding into yourself and how the issue is affecting you."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "I would say that's the whole point of therapy! Cry your heart out. Therapy should be a place where you feel ok to be vulnerable when you are working through your stuff. It's when your mind and your heart finally meet and you make the connections you need to make."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is normal to feel an array of emotions in therapy. Most people use therapy as a way to process their life's struggles and often times this results in them crying during session. Crying is a way to release those negative emotions and to cope with what is happening in life. We have come to believe that crying is something bad at times and so have conditioned ourselves to avoid crying out in public places. In therapy though, where there are no such expectations and where you can be open and honest about how you are feeling it is normal to cry."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, definitely crying is normal during therapy. Anyone in the midst of new awareness of how they've been hurt, or feel despair or great sadness from burdensome life situations, naturally will feel tears come up.Therapists are familiar with people crying during a session and will know how to be present for you while you sort through your painful emotions."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Therapy is by nature a safe place to discuss difficult, or painful memories or experiences and thereby it is normal that feelings of all kinds, including sadness, loss, frustration, disappointment, etc may arise. This is part of processing and bringing closure to things that may have been pushed aside for a lifetime and can now be faced and dealt with. Change too is often not easy, and can lead to crying, whether from frustration and set back...or also from joy and accomplishment!"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "This is a great question! I often wonder about what normal really means. Counseling is a personal process where many emotions can be experienced by people. I I do not believe it is just you who cries in therapy. Therapy can bring out many emotions such as laughter, anger, frustration, relief, grief, sadness, and many more emotions. Talking to your counselor about your experience might provide insight and healing for you. If crying surprised you and you feel comfortable that might be something you could bring up with your counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "Yes, it is normal to cry during therapy, it is a time of catharsis, letting things out, shedding our skin, dropping our weights and just to let you know, even therapists sometimes feel like crying in sessions. Although people often cry or become upset, it is in no way a measure of \"good therapy\". C"}, {"questionTitle": "Is it normal to cry at therapy?", "questionText": "Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?", "answerText": "It is very routine to feel all of the different emotions in therapy. I have had clients cry in therapy out of happiness, sadness, love, joy, and from laughing so hard! Yes, crying is a normal part of therapy for many people."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Yes, Counseling provides an area for people to speak to an unbiased professional about their concerns to address their unique needs. While length of time varies, counseling is a process and can be done from as little as one session to multiple sessions. Counseling provide a safe, non-judgmental, empathetic atmosphere from a professional helper provide the service"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Hi! Great question. I believe counseling does help people! Of course, I am a therapist, so I would think that! :) Seriously - I think therapy and counseling allow us to understand ourselves, our motivations and the things that bring us happiness and discontent. Therapy can create opportunities to try new skills and enhance positive attributes that are already present in someone. I like to think of therapy as an unbiased \"aerial view\" of our lives. Someone outside can often help us notice things we might otherwise miss. Hope this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Helps to define the problem and gain a clearer understanding of where it originates. Many people seek counseling because of symptoms they are experiencing. ...Allows for a safe outlet to vent. Not everyone likes to share their problems with close friends or family members. ...Counselors can offer various problem solving solutions. A good therapist usually will not directly point their client in the direction they need to go. ...Gives one the tools needed to cope with current and future problems."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling provides a safe environment for people to explore the beliefs about the challenges in life. The various types(modalities/techniques) of counseling serve as guides for specific individual's personal journeys."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Yes, counseling helps a lot of people, especially when there is a good rapport between the counselor and their client. Knowing your counselor is someone who is really on your side and wants to see you grow past your difficulties into a healthy, happy, successful life is more important than what kind of counseling method they use. If you are looking for a counselor, take your time and be sure you feel heard and respected as well as challenged to grow."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling definitely helps people! I have seen so many positive changes from those willing to engage in the counseling process. Having a safe place to openly share concerns with an objective listener really is therapeutic and can make a huge difference in your life. Many times people don't feel heard or validated by people in their lives, counseling call help validate your feelings and help you become more self-aware. You can learn new skills to better manage your life as well. I find the people who get the most out of it are the ones most willing to make changes."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Hi there! Thank you for your question. It's a great question and one that many people want to know the answer to. The short answer is, YES! Counseling can be very helpful to people struggling with many different things. There has been a lot of research conducted to prove that counseling is an effective way to help people with mental health concerns, life stressors, and many other issues. In addition, there are many people who would tell you that counseling made a positive, profound impact on their lives. Indeed, some would tell you that counseling saved their lives. Now, not everyone would tell you that counseling helped. But when you think about it, there are many medical treatments for a variety of healthcare issues that also do not help everyone. So, is counseling guaranteed? No. But, it is something that is worth trying if someone is suffering or is just wanting some perspective or support. Also, there is many different types of counseling. Different counselors have different styles and have different training for various issues. This means that you are likely to find someone who has a good style and expertise in an area that you want to work on. If you don't know where to go, I suggest contacting your state's counseling association. They can help. I think the real question that most people have is, how? How does it help? That question is a bit more complicated, because there are many different models of counseling/therapy that work in different ways. What I can tell you is that, regardless of the model of counseling, the relationship between counselor and client is the most important factor. I don't mean that the relationship has to be ooowy goowy... but it does have to be one where there is trust and openness. A counselor will spend time to make sure that you are working together as a team toward a common goal. If you go to counseling and you don't feel this is the case, tell your counselor. An ethical counselor will welcome your feedback. I hope this is helpful, please ask more questions! I hope some colleagues add some other thoughts, too. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counselling offers a number of ways to help one to improve their situation. For some, this process can take a very long, winding path of self-discovery, while, for others, they are seeking a purposeful, solution-based way to approach and manage a specific problem. It's important to remember that there are different styles of therapy, some of which will work great with some, but poorly with others, specifically to help those to decide how they wish to move forward. I often recommend speaking with a number of therapists before beginning treatment to find out more about how they practice, in order to make sure their style aligns with your goals.On a more specific note, there is myriad research out in the world that indicates both counselling and medication can have an affect on changing our moods and behaviours. However, medication is not an effective way of treating the problem, as it treats the symptoms of that problem (increased anxiety, lowered mood, etc.) and research has shown that the most effective route for better mental health care comes from a combination of counselling and medication."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "There are multiple ways that counseling helps people. The most basic is that it gives you someone to talk to about and through what you are facing. It is better than a friend because this is a space for your stuff and you get to focus on what you need and don't have to worry about the other side. This is also a place where you do not have to worry about how else the other person is involved in the situation. Beyond this basic level, a counselor will have expertise they can bring in terms of how people, including you, can effectively deal with this kind of situation. The counselor may also be aware of connections that you would not otherwise see. A good counselor will also recognize if and when you need other help or support in the situation. Why wouldn't you benefit from having someone walk with you in your journey to peace and wholeness."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "A counselor can do a few things that can be helpful:1) Give you a space where you can explore what's in your head without worrying about being judged or punished.2) Help you better understand yourself, your choices, your motivations.3) Give you tools and information you can use to help create change in your life.Ultimately, though, it's up to the client to take action, because action is what creates change. So, a counselor can't create change ... but they can facilitate and support it."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "What is the importance of counseling to believers today? With faith-based counseling, you can receive the appropriate guidance and help in line with the words of the most wonderful counselor of allGod. With Covington-McGee Christian Counseling, you can receive holistic healing for your mind, body, spirit, and emotions in your quest for optimal health, wellness, and happiness in life."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling can be beneficial in many ways. For example, a counselor can help an individual identify the sources of their psychological distress and support them in using coping skills.In addition, counselors can collaborate with clients in developing a treatment plan that lays out goals and objectives to be realized during the process.The counselor's capacity to understand the underlying problems and also communicate the understanding to the client constitutes an important discussion to have that leads to helping the client alleviate symptoms.Most counselors use active listening and this intervention helps clients feel heard which in itself can be healing."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an effective therapy for everyday struggles, as well as depression, anxiety, substance use, eating disorders, and many others. And all of our expert therapists at Denver Mental Health Collective are trained in CBT. Very simply, CBT is designed around the belief that emotions are hard to change directly. So, we target the emotions by changing thoughts and behaviors that contribute to distressing emotions.Does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Work?CBT is evidenced-based and its effectiveness is proven.In brief, an article published in the journalCognitive Therapy and Researchsays:The evidence-base of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is very strong. (1) CBT is as effective as, or more effective than, other forms of psychological therapy or psychiatric medications. (2)What Does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Involve?Simply, your therapist will encourage you to think about your life in new ways. And CBT will help you recognize ineffective habits and teach you how to change them.And then CBT will help you examine the way your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all contribute to the problems you experience. Finally, youll learn specific skills and techniques for coping with problems more effectively and changing your habits.What Are Cognitive BehavioralTherapySkills?Packed with exercises and skills, CBT will help you put an end to the negative thoughts. A Denver Mental Health Collective therapist will help you reconnect with life using the following skills:Turn Off Self-Defeating ThoughtsChange Negative Core BeliefsPractice Stress ReductionLearn New Problem Solving SkillsUse Assertive Communication SkillsPractice Coping Imagery and SkillsLearn to Face Fearful SituationsIs CBT Right For You?CBT is an excellent fit if any of these describe you:You struggle with anxiety or depressionIt feels difficult to control your behaviorLow self-esteem is undermining your relationshipsYoud love a break from destructive thoughtsYou wish to create a more balanced lifeYou feel generally stressed or angryAs difficult as these challenges are, you are not alone.In fact, you are capable of learning new thinking patterns. And reducing daily stress. And and putting a stop to destructive thoughts. As a result, youll gain a better understanding of your thoughts, and your behaviors can start to change. In the same way, a better understanding of your thoughts and beliefs will begin to reflect the reality around you. Together, we can help you gain a more positive self-image.Of course, you might not be quite ready to schedule. So, here are some links to some helpful information:https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioralhttps://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3584580/http://cogbtherapy.com/how-effective-is-cbt-compared-to-other-treatments"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "No, not really;And it's impossible for it to, anyway;And, this is isn't some sort of \"you did it all yourself\" kind of blather;Because:1) In most outcomes, if a man or woman simply does nothing and waits, most of the time, they get better... (there are reasons to that);2) In most therapy sessions, approximately 92% (give or take, per study) of all outcomes--be they positive or negative--occur due to factors SOLELY WITHIN the man or woman seeking therapy to begin with;3) The word \"THERAPY\" does not imply cure, but implies treatment (suppression);4) Truly, a proper \"therapist\" will be able to spot the problem quickly, recommended proper protocols quickly, and coach to completion.5) Even if we PRESUME generosity, the \"therapist\" really doesn't matter much (maybe 8%); it really all is in you...Be well, man..."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "You are asking a room full of counselors, and so I am going to guess that we may be a bit biased :). My answer is this: sometimes. Many people benefit from counseling and when counseling works those benefits can show up through positive improvements in your moods, making more choices that align with your values, working through stuff, and a general improved sense of self. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, a counselor, the approach they are using and the person do not match up and when that happens sometimes counseling does not help. It is very important to find the right counselor for you. Ideally this should be someone you feel a level of trust and connection with who is also using a style that you feel confident in. Research has shown that these aspects (what is called the 'therapeutic alliance') along with shared goals between the client and counselor give counseling the best chance at being effective"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling is a collaborative process which involves the development of a confidential, unique, therapeutic, helping relationship. This relationship is unlike any other as the counselor will act as a facilitator in helping you better understand yourself, the world around you, your feelings, and your behaviors.As is the case with most things in life, there are both benefits and risks while participating in counseling. Counseling may improve your ability to relate with others, provide a clearer understanding of yourself, your values, and your goals, and it often helps relieve stress immediately.Along with these benefits, counseling will also involve discussing the unpleasant parts of your life, and you may experience uncomfortable feelings during these moments. But remember that using the awareness of ones pain can aid the healing process and result in better relationships with yourself and others."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Yes, counseling can help people.How this happens is bc the counselor can guide the person or couple into deeper areas of their thoughts and emotions than the person or partners would typically avoid or not even realize they are avoiding.Also, a counseling session offers emotional safety because the therapist will intervene with thoughtful questions if someone's strong emotions overwhelm them.This is different than in everyday circumstances. When someone feels overwhelmed by their own or someone else's feelings, there is no one who asks reflective questions.Last, people get better in therapy because often therapy is the first time the person has a chance to trust someone with their confidential information and know this information will always be protected."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Experts have defined counseling as a healing relationship that helps patients by providing a space to vent, process and receive unconditional support. Many of my clients have expressed that they are able to find their own answers during the session, because they have the right person listening to them. Some thought they were safe sharing their concerns with friends or relatives who are good listeners, but later they felt ashamed or guilty about what they shared. So why people should share private issues with a Counselor (a stranger)? Confidentiality is the key word. A good counseling relationship should provide a space where people are able to share their deepest thoughts and feelings, allowing themselves to be vulnerable and explore those emotions that are difficult to share without implications. Beyond the ability to provide a safe place, counselors are trained to identify symptoms and behavioral patterns, and can provide insight on how develop coping mechanisms to improve their life.I am a License Professional Counselor working on a private practice in Puerto Rico: Latitude Counseling, and also Im licensed in Texas, where I provide theletherapy services. If you would like to learn more about the services available, you may call 787-466-5478 or visit www.latitudecounseling.comCmo la consejera ayudaa las personas?Realmente la consejera hace algo para ayudar a otros?Expertos definen la consejera como una relacin sanadora que ayuda a los pacientes proveyndoles un espacio para ventilar, procesar y recibir apoyo incondicional. Algunos de mis clientes han expresado que son capaces de encontrar las respuestas a sus problemas durante la sesin de consejera, porque tiene a la persona indicada escuchndolos. Otros cuentan que se sentian seguros compartiendo sus preocupaciones con su familia o amigos, pero esas preocupaciones afectaron sus relaciones negativamente, o los dejaron con sentimientos de culpa.As que, Por qu deben las personas compartir asuntos privados con consejero, (un extrao)? Confidencialidad es la clave. Una buena relacin de consejera debe proveer un espacio donde las personas puedan compartir sus ms ntimos pensamientos y sentimientos, permitindoles ser vulnerables y explorar esas emociones que son difciles de compartir sin consecuencias. Mas all de proveer un espacio seguro, lo consejeros profesionales estamos entrenados para identificar sntomas, patrones de conducta, y proveer perspectiva en cmo desarrollar los mecanismos de defensa necesarios para mejorar la calidad de vida.Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Puerto Rico, donde practico a travs de Latitdue Counseling, tambin estoy licenciada en Texas, donde proveo servicios de teleterapia. Para ms informacin llame al 787-466-5478 o visite www.latitudecounseling.com"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "I love this question! Some people shy away from counseling because they think since they already talk about how they feel to their relatives or friends they shouldn't need a counselor. However, if you are having a difficult time, counseling can be beneficial in helping you move forward and get your life back on track.Counseling is not like the kind of talking we do to people we know. For one, your counselor does not have a history with you and has no expectations of how you will act and what you will do. In that way, counselors come to a session without judgement and expectation. This gives you the platform to truly explore your thoughts and feelings. A counselor can also help you understand your motivation and help you integrate your past experiences and recommend coping skills that can help you if you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions.Over time, as you work with a counselor you will get feedback and also be able to share new insights. The work you do is based on you and where you are at. Oftentimes, when we talk to friends they bring their own agenda to a conversation, and while they mean well they may offer solutions that work for them and not you. A counselor will help you uncover the solutions that work best for you and help you find the motivation to follow through with your plan.Best of luck to you!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Hello. Yes, counseling can be beneficial to many people. One of the effective components to effective therapy, is when the client becomes willing to participate in the counseling. I don't mean just show up and listen to the counselor for 45-50 minutes, but also that the client themselves opens up and shares with the counselor the issues that brought them to counseling in the first place. This requires you to be vulnerable, capable of moving past your protective measures of showing the best of yourself, and allowing the counselor to see the sides of you that likely are not as favorable. Therapy works when you and the counselor engage openly, honestly, and with mutual trust that both of you will work for common goals - your improvement of self. It does take time, and there are no quick fixes (usually), so be prepared to invest in yourself and explore the dark places. You'll thank yourself later, knowing that you are more connected to yourself and might even feel more whole after the process. Be well."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling allows us to have a sacred space, a space that is set apart from the outside world, it is a space of non-judgement and exploration. Being that the universe is not made for us and that the the world tends to be a fairly untamed place at times, this sacred space allows us to explore ourselves. It allows for greater reflection upon our attitudes, our behaviors and our feelings. Imagine if you will a small goldfish swimming around the usual fish tank, although I dont attest to know what a goldfish thinks, I would imagine he does not see the world outside of him, he only sees the small fishbowl, oblivious to the outside world, when one comes into the counseling room, one is trying to gain insight that was not previously there. Remember the observer affect, one cannot truly act objectively with the world, we are in a dynamic relationship with life, it reacts to us and we to it, the time in the counseling room allows us to gain an understanding that is beyond the normal limits, allowing us to see what was before hidden, often times in plain sight."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "Counseling can go a long way in improving your mental health.Counseling helps you to get new perspective on your life and problems.Talking about your problems with a counselor gives them substances and something to get a handle on. Talking about your problems gives you a chance look at your situation from a new angle to help solve your problems.The counselor is a neutral listener that can help give direction and answers to your needs.Counseling can help you solve your problems but also can set up a plan for the future. Counseling can help you to deal with things before they get out of hand.Give counseling a try."}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": "A lot of things affect how helpful counseling is for each person, including at least these things, but often many others:The therapeutic alliance (this refers to the bond, connection, or trust between the client and the counselor)What the person is coming in to work onHow motivated the person is to work on what it is they would like to changeSome people also ask how counseling is different from friendship. There is a similarity in the sense that hopefully both counselors and friends will listen to what you are experiencing, but that is really the end of the similarities. Some differences are:Counselors are specifically trained to phrase questions or statements in ways that help you to gain more awareness of one could be contributing to what it is that you are trying to change, both within yourself, and possibly with people around youCounselors have experience in using lots of different types of techniques (for example, focusing on finding solutions, looking at how the present situation could relate to your past, using role-plays or examples in session to help you learn new skills or ways of looking at situations, and probably hundreds of other things)Counselors are taught to look at what you are experiencing and ask questions about other related ideas that you may not have connected to what you are experiencingThere is a treatment plan in place (usually after the first, second, or third session) so both you and the counselor have an idea of where you would like to go with counseling (what you are hoping to change or learn) and a general idea of a plan for getting to your goalsIn general, I would say the following:Yes, counseling can help people who want something to be different in their livesCounseling is most helpful when the connection between the counselor and the client is strong enough that some trust forms (in other words, not every counselor or technique is helpful for every person)A lot of counselors will talk to you on the phone for a few minutes prior to you coming in for your first appointment to answer any general questions that you may haveIf you are working with a counselor and you feel as though you are not \"clicking\" or connecting with one another, give it three or four sessions before you change. Trust is not happening in one hour for most of peopleIf you are working with a counselor and you would like to be getting more or something different out of it, tell the counselor about that because typically modalities can be changedIf you are asking this question because you would like help with a specific issue, call a local counselor and discuss it so that you could have a more specific answer about possible options for counseling"}, {"questionTitle": "How does counseling help people?", "questionText": "Does counseling really do anything that can help people?", "answerText": ""}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Hello,There are many ways to approach a counselor and starting the process, however they all start with picking up the phone. It's most definitely an uncomfortable feeling, but once that first step is taken it is often met with a wave of relief.My recommendation is always to call and speak with a therapist over the phone before scheduling an appointment. Listening to how they converse, use their tone and inflection, may give you a brief insight to how they will respond to you and increase your comfort right away. You may also discover, rather quickly, that this therapist is not the right match for you.Regardless of how you go about it, I like to remind all people who call, email, text or walk-in, therapists are a bit like pizzas - if you don't like the toppings, send it back! There are hundreds of therapists offering all kinds of styles of therapy - take the time to pick one that suits you."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "A great place to start is at www.psychologytoday.com. You can search by location and identify therapists who have expertise in your area of concern. Once you find a few people that fit your criteria, read about them on Psychology today as well as check out their website if they have one. Next, either call or email them to set up a time to talk for a few minutes. When you speak with them, you want to know a few things: do they have a decent amount of experience in your area of concern? Are their fees, insurance coverage and scheduling availability a good fit for you? Most importantly, see if you feel comfortable when you speak to them on the phone! If this person is a good match in these areas, schedule an initial consultation so that you can see if you are also a good match in person."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Most counselors are very approachable and many offer a 15 minute chat by phone to allow you to talk about your issue, and to get a feel for the counselor. If you like what you hear by phone, the next step is to set up a face-to-face meeting. Studies show that the most important element in effective therapy is that you feel a connection with your counselor. Trust your instincts and if you don't feel comfortable, let him or her know that you don't think it's a good fit. Many counselors list on websites like Psychology Today and Good Therapy. Visit these websites to learn more about therapists in your area."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Hi! Great question! My suggestion would be to google therapists in your area. One great website is called Psychology Today, which is a National site. You can search for therapists in your zip code and search more specifically for the issue you are seeking support about. It's a great way to find out if they therapist has a speciality, accepts insurance and whether they offer a free phone consultation. I would then make a list of the ones that may be a good fit and then give them a call! :) Hope this helps. Remember you get to ask anything you need to, to determine if someone is a good fit. Don't be afraid to ask anything! :) Best of luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Usually people call me by phone, they introduce themselves, we chat for a bit, then we schedule a time for their appointment"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "You can interview counselors you may be interested in working with and gauge how experienced they are in possibly supporting your needs. Ask questions (you can google questions to ask a new therapist), and have an idea of what would lead you to feel safe working with this person."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "The therapeutic relationship is such an important aspect of the process toward healing. Feeling comfortable enough to be vulnerable is a good starting place. Understanding your own goals for therapy, outcomes you hope to get from it, and the approach you need from your therapist. Each therapist is unique and have their individual styles and theoretical orientations they align with. Open and honest communication regarding what you are hoping to get out of therapy and asking questions from the start of therapist to better understand if their theoretical approach will be helpful to you is a good starting place. Knowing and trusting yourself that if it is not a good fit that it is okay to seek therapy from another provider."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "The first thing is to see if they have a consultation. Many therapists offer this to make sure both parties feel like its a good fit before they invest time/money. If they have a website look over there blog, and other content on there page. If you are coming to counseling for a particular interest then having some questions prepared about there expertise with (whatever you looking for)."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "The first step in beginning the counseling process is to do some homework. I recommend that clients make some quick notes about what they believe are the core issues negatively impacting their functioning, the qualities they are looking for in a therapist, and what are some goals that you have for therapy. Next, go to one of the many directory sites like CounselChat or PsychologyToday.com. These sites allow you to search for therapists in your area and to select a number of different criteria that can assist in narrowing your search. Once you have a list of therapists, start calling their offices and/or visiting their websites. Many of us offer brief consultation calls at no cost. This is a great way to share the issues you identified with the therapist and to ask them any questions you might have."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "BRAVO you just did my good fello or fella"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Counseling is voluntary. If one feels there is a need to talk, its at that time, they approach counselor."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "You can call, email or contact them through their website. Or if you know the location, walk in and ask for them to contact you and leave your contact information. Hopefully this helps!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "There are a number of online directories that can help a person get started with counseling. You can use them to search therapists in your area, by areas of specialization, and insurance. Here is a list of some of the most popular ones:www.psychologytoday.comwww.TherapyDen.comwww.onlinecounseling.comYou can also do a google search for \"therapist near me\" or \"counselor near me.\" Lastly, all major insurance companies have directories online of all the therapists they contract with."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Honestly, don't :(Talk with your close friends, first (y'know, the ones you actually can tell sh*t to, not the more surface level ones, god-bless-their-souls...Be with your family; should you have a fine relationship with them, tell them and utilize them; they gave you life and that bond (especially between a mother and son) is unbreakable.Go with your faith; as often as various faiths have been blasted and lambasted around the world, understand that they're ultimately trying to get you closer to God :) And, ain't that a big thing.Go with those around you FIRST that actually MIGHT GIVE A CR*P about you, FIRST, before going to a total stranger you've never met before, that is just as damaged, stupid, and imperfect as we all are."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Great question! You can find a counselor by doing an internet search or by asking your doctor for a referral. Once you have the name and contact information for a therapist you want to meet with, give them a call. Some therapists will provide a free 15-20 minute phone consultation. This is a good chance for you to get some questions asked. Be sure to ask about their fee, if you want to use your insurance ask them if they take your insurance. Next you will want to ask about availability to make sure they have open times that fit in your schedule. Once you make the appointment, in the first session you have with the therapist, the therapist will ask a lot of questions about what brought you into therapy and what you hope to accomplish in therapy. I usually use the last 10 minutes of that first session talking with clients about how I might be able to help them with their concern and I gather feedback from them. Here is a link to an article about how to speak with your therapist in those first couple of sessions.http://thriveworks.com/blog/tips-open-honest-counselor/"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Great question. Too often people search for the help they need via a phone book or a basic internet search. When looking for a new person to add to your team, whether it be a Counselor, Plumber, or Mechanic, it is important to know as much as you reasonably can about the person. I generally take the following steps:1.) Know what is important to me in finding help.2.) Ask for referrals from my trusted friends, family, and colleagues.3.) Search for online reputation (Better Business Bureau, Yelp, etc). The absence of an online reputation is not necessarily a bar to consideration. However, a predominantly negative review may warrant further research.4.) Finally call the Counselor and ask a few questions. Let the Counselor know what you are looking for. Trust your gut. For example, if you feel rushed or do not receive thorough answer, move on to the next.Taking the time to defining and conveying your requirements about what you are looking for in counseling can save you a lot of work down the road."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "I'd recommend looking on psychologtoday.com, reading the bio's of potential therapists who you think you would relate best with, then contact them through e-mail or on the phone."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Hi,Reaching out on this site was a great first step! To start counseling, I would recommend looking up counselors and thinking about what sort of counselor would be a good fit. See if they have areas of focus that line up with your goals, and never be afraid to call and set up a consultation. Usually these are free of charge and can help you make your decision."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "I have found that if you go to my website and fill out the form, I can usually get back to you within 24 hours. In my most efficient instances, I've been able to set-up a consultation within a couple of days, which is just 15 minutes by phone, to chat a little about what you might want to work on, how I may or may not be a good fit, etc. Then from there, if you want to meet in person we can set up an initial session. I will usually be able to let you know what kinds of ongoing times for counseling that I have available over the phone. Scheduling is a big barrier to finding a therapist, especially in New York, when schedules seem pretty busy all around.I've heard a lot of statistics about how prospective clients in therapy will often wait for months before reaching out, which is why I think that email is great. Cold-calling can cause an unnecessary amount of anxiety (also, who will hear me on the phone?) whereas email is relatively easy to begin a conversation, from what I've found.I tend to recommend clients give a new therapist a couple of sessions to get a feel for fit. But, if it's horrible after one session, and you feel awful when you leave, that's another story. I might want to explore with you what felt so awful, but if you don't want to come back, that is well within your right.Also, keep in mind that we want to help. So, please don't feel like we are judging you for seeking out help! You are strong for doing so. Far too often I hear about it as a weakness, and that's just BS:)"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Hello. Usually the person interested in therapy reaches out to the therapist, by telephone or email. I like to respond with appreciation for their making contact and ask if they are available for a phone consultation in order to see how I may be able to help. Once we are on the phone, I like to get a brief sense of what's happening in their life and the way in which I respond and the way we communicate will give each of us a sense of whether our dynamic is appealing enough to take the next step. And the next step is making an appointment. Also in the initial conversation, you can feel free to ask what their therapeutic modality is or give a brief scenario and ask how the therapist might respond to that situation. I encourage you to be fearless in \"interviewing\" the therapist. This is one of the most sacred connections of trust you could be about to forge, so if you don't feel comfortable, move on to the next therapist on your list. If the connection feels good to you, then it's worth it to make the first appointment. You will immediately know if you don't feel comfortable speaking with this person. But if you DO feel comfortable, heard, validated even in that short conversation, I encourage you to make the appointment. Once you're in the first session, you can continue to assess through how your feeling and responding, just how comfortable you are or are not. Just keep listening to yourself every step of the way!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Great question. The decision to pursue therapy can be a very difficult one and the fact that there seem to be so many profiles that you have to wade through can be particularly daunting. Here's what I suggest to make the process a bit easier:1) Narrow down your preferred geographical area. Are you in a rural, suburban, or urban environment? If it's either of the latter two, you'll probably have a mental health professional close by. Decide now if it's important to you that their office be within walking or short driving distance.2) Decide if you need it to be covered by your insurance. You'll have more options if you're willing to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed by your insurance, but more and more people are accepting insurance these days.3) Find someone whose profile has the key words that you're looking for. If you're struggling with traumatic flashbacks, make sure they have \"trauma\" or something along those lines in their profile.4) Make sure they have a friendly and professional picture. This is small, but this detail shows that they really care about how they present to the world.5) Come up with a list of about 3 people and rank them from most appealing to least. Set up an appointment with the person who seems like the best fit and give it a try for the first session. You'll know by the end of it if it's a good fit.It can be scary, but finding the perfect fit makes it so worth it. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "First, identify the areas that you need help with. What are the issues that are most troubling you? Are these situations creating an impact on your daily routine?Second, do some research as to the type of counselling service you are looking and that would best suit your needs. Are you looking for individual sesssions, couples/family sessions, etc. And research potential therapists in your area that focus their counselling approach on your therapeutic needs.Third, contact the therapist (most don't answer the phones, so leave a message or send an email). Don't be affraid to ask questions. You want to make sure that this professional is a good \"match\" for you and will work with you at working toward your therapeutic goals (the things you want to address/work on during the sessions).Fourth, have the expectation that, depending on the issues, you will need multiple sessions/appointments with the therapist to really address the issues and work toward your therapeutic goals.It takes strength and courage to reach out for help, but I know you can reach your goals. It takes time, patience, and practice do really address your needs.Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "I always suggest that you find the right fit. You have every right to interview the therapist and ask as many questions as you need. It is our job as a therapist to explain our approach and philosophy. This gives you a good overview of the therapist. Just call and say that you would like to talk to the therapist. Say your interested in the services but unclear about how the process works. From there a seasoned therapist should be proficient in helping to guide you through the process with ease and comfort.www.lifecounselingorlando.com"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Starting the counseling process can be daunting but here are some ways that hopefully help make the process a little less overwhelming.First,I'd start with finding a therapist through a therapist directory and searching for a therapist specifically in your area and with the expertise you're looking for. There are many reputable therapist directories online that offer specific information and links to therapist websites to learn more about how they can help.Next,I'd pick two or three of interest to contact directly. Have a list of questions that are important to you that you can ask to determine whether a particular therapist is a good fit. Many therapists offer a free phone consultation to allow you both to determine whether it is a good fit.Then, after you schedule, the next step is to see what it's like being in session to determine if the fit is still a match."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "The easiest way to start the counseling process is to do a little research online. A quick search for the type of counseling you are looking for can be helpful. There are lots of Counselors out there to choose from, so many times you will have to take it a few steps further than that. Check out their website, social media, and any reviews (but remember, people are not always very nice). If you plan on using insurance to pay for at least part of the services, look for one that is in your network. You can find out if someone is in your network by looking for providers on your insurance's website. If your coverage isn't that great and you know you're going to be paying for it all anyway (because you're an all-star and verified your coverage already with the insurance company), then you can really pick any Counselor you want, but working with one that is at least out of network will give you the benefit of having it applied to your deductible. If you have any questions about that process or just want some help in getting your benefits from the insurance company once you've started counseling, Better is a good option. Once you've found a Counselor you think is a good fit for you, normally the best step to take here is to call and schedule your very first appointment. With many Counselors you can now send an email, but a phone call can normally tell you quite a bit about someone and their clinic. Once you're all scheduled, they will either get you to do some paperwork before you come in, or many times they just let you fill it out once you get there. From there, all you have to do is show up!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Approaching a counselor can seem intimidating at first, but most mental health professionals want to help you feel safe and heard. You can often find counselors using search engines like CounselChat or Psychology Today. These websites allow you to get to know therapists before you take the next step. These days, counselors have websites where you can learn even more. These websites usually have clear instructions for contact. Typically, you can reach out via phone or email to request a consultation. During a consultation call, you can ask the therapist questions about their credentials and areas of expertise. If you feel like you connect, you can schedule a first session where you will tell them more about yourself and why you are seeking therapy. The thing to remember is that therapists want you to reach out to them, and they are happy to be approached for support. Good luck!"}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "I think it is important that you are able to convey what you are looking for in a therapist even if that changes over time. You need to look at it like you are interviewing the counselor and that they will be able to provide you with the therapy you need. To many times we do not know and it ends up not being a good fit and then people are left with a bad experience and do not want to re-engage. Remembering you are basically hiring someone to help you so I would treat it as such. Do some research and be clear as to why you are coming to therapy and ask questions as how they will be able to help you."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "The first thing to do is to reflect on what you want to seek counseling. Search online and then set up a phone consultation. A person can find out a lot about a counselor and the services that they offer over the phone. After a consultation then set up an intake questions. The overall goal is to make sure that you are comfortable with the counselor and the services they can offer."}, {"questionTitle": "How does someone approach a counselor?", "questionText": "How does a person start the counseling process?", "answerText": "Phone or email a counselor whose profile you've read and which feels right for you.Ask to get a feel as to the way the person would handle your problem and work with you.In my practice I offer a phone consult which generally continues for twenty minutes.I feel it is only fair that a prospective patient has a feel for the service they are about to purchase before they can be expected to pay money for a service which may not be to their liking at all."}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "I think this question can vary based on the individual therapist, their style and theoretical orientation. Clients are always welcome to ask questions before and during the process to understand their care. When I am first meeting with a client I take a more formalized approach in our first session completing what is called a psychosocial assessment. Typically I explore what brought the client to therapy in the first place and I take a more direct approach asking a variety of questions related to the specific struggles, frequency, history, duration, etc. This is NOT how my normal therapy sessions are and I try to explain that to my clients so they understand that while my first initial sessions is a lot of information gathering, and me typing out their responses, on going therapy is very client focused and catered to the needs of the client."}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Weeks 1-2: Intros and NormsYour facilitator or counselor will establish rapport norms and guide you in building a sense of connection through getting to know each other exercises (not boring ice breakers, these are actually fun). You should of probably filled out intake forms and what you are asking of the counselor.We may ask you to share:A personal strength and weakness.Highs and lows of your week.A misconception people have about you."}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Counselor tries to build rapport and gets the client talking. When the client talks, shares whatever they feel, counselor merely listens. A counselor's job is to bring out coping mechanism from the clients only and emphasise on the coping mechanisms,"}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Youre nervous, perhaps scared. You have never been to a therapy session before and have no idea what to expect! Whenever we do something for the first time, it helps reduce anxiety and nervousness if we know what to expect and can prepare. Here are some things that generally take place in a first session and typical questions the therapist will ask. These help your therapist get to know you and make an accurate initial assessment of your situation and what would be most helpful to you. You will be asked to complete paperwork. If you are using insurance be sure to bring that information with you. Often, you can complete paperwork online prior to your session which saves time. (Dont forget to bring it with you to your session!) 1. What issue(s) brings you to therapy?2. Your personal background history as it relates to current issues.3. What physical or other symptoms are you experiencing? How is the issue affecting other areas of your life? And here are a few other tips to help you get the most out of your first session. 1. Be open and honest about your feelings. Therapists are trained to listen and learn from what you share.2. Ask questions. Theres no such thing as a dumb question. Asking questions helps you understand more about the process, reduces your anxiety, and helps you become more comfortable. If you dont understand something, please ask!3. Be prepared. Think about how to describe whats wrong or why you are seeking therapy. It can help to make a list of reasons why you are seeking help. Practice describing how you feel about the issue.Most people feel more at ease after their first session and you will continue to build rapport with your therapist over time. It is a big step to begin therapy and I wish everyone healing and growth on your journey!"}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "For me, I want a client to feel like I understand what brings them to seek help from me. So I might explore both their present circumstances, as well as their history, and try to start making some connections between the two, but so that the both of us can understand what is taking place. Not every therapist goes into history in the same way, either. The way the therapist practices will often inform the ways in which they collect and look at data.However, above all, my goal, especially in the beginning of therapy, is to work on developing a working rapport with any client. Most research states that the quality of the relationship, rather than modality of therapy, indicates success rates. One of the most essential components of rapport is that someone feels heard, attuned to, and understood."}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Hi. This is an excellent question ! I think that the answer probably varies depending upon the particular therapist . In my work with people , once we have met and I have gotten an idea of the person'a concerns and the issues they want help with , I spend the next few sessions gathering as much history and as much information about the client's current concerns in order to formulate some ideas about what may be causing distress . I would then share my thoughts with the client to see if they feel I am understanding them and on the right track. We would then discuss the best plan to address the client's concerns . Usually I will suggest strategies that I think may be helpful and ask the client for feedback about whether or not they think my suggestions feel helpful . I always encourage clients to be really honest with me about this. I tell them that I would hate for them to agree to try things that they know they won't try just to avoid \"hurting my feelings\" or \"offending me.\" I want to be helpful and while I have the expertise as far as typically helpful strategies, I really like to work collaboratively and have clients tell me what they do and don't like / agree with or not agree with when I share my thoughts about a treatment plan . We the work together to come up with a plan that will be helpful , but also realistic and then revise it and try new things if necessary as we go along. If things aren't improving , I am very happy and willing to try something new !I hope this is helpful for you !"}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "There are probably no two therapists alike because first and foremost we are human beings!And...our personalities may somewhat guide how we go about getting to know you, identifying what you would like to be different in your life and developing a plan to get where you would like to be. The very most important thing that will determine a successful outcome is the healthy therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist. If you don't feel safe, comfortable and ready to work together, then it is likely not a good fit. And that's OK...speak up and the therapist should assist you in finding someone you can readily work with."}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Each counselor may have a different process, so I'm not the end all authority here. For myself, I review policies and confidentiality concerns with people first and answer any questions they have.Then I'll let them know I'll be writing a lot in this session and I have an assessment form that I like to get completed, but I want to have a conversation and I'll ask questions as we go. My first question is usually, \"How do you feel I can best help you today?\" Some people are very at ease and tell me many details. Others are a bit more reserved and I have to demonstrate more curiosity. Even people who have been very apprehensive are usually feeling very relaxed by the time the session is over. Usually, when we get close to end of session time, I'll summarize what I think are the biggest concerns from what I've heard and confirm whether or not the person wants to work on those things. I also try to give an exercise targetting my biggest concern for them to work on in between sessions. For instance, a relaxation method if they are very anxious. Counselors are just humans as well, so it does take a bit of time to really get to know another person. I always tell people that are apprehensive to give the counselor 3 or 4 sessions to determine if they really connect with them. I hope that helps,Allison"}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "After meeting a client, many Counselors will ask you lots of questions in order to complete a thorough assessment of what you came to counseling for. This assessment is required by most insurances and allows the Counselor to give a diagnosis, which is also required by most insurances in order for them to pay the Counselor. If you are paying out of pocket, this diagnosis is not really required for payment, but many Counselors will still perform a comprehensive assessment because we really want to know what the issues are that brought you to us. The better we understand what it is that bothers you, what you would like to get out of the counseling, and all the various things that tend to affect people such as family upbringing and medical issues, the easier it is for us to help you reach those goals. How the counseling actually plays out from there depends a lot on the theory that the Counselor uses to direct their approach to counseling, and that information is too much for this little post."}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "A good therapist will discuss what brought you to therapy in the first place and devise a therapy plan with you on some of the things that you may want to work on. The plan is not set in stone as things may arise during your therapy sessions. You also agree on how often and when you would like to meet."}, {"questionTitle": "What happens in a counseling session?", "questionText": "After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", "answerText": "Great question which I imagine many other people have as well.The therapist will want to know your main source of life discomfort. In what areas are the problem interactions which you hope will disappear?The therapist is trained to listen for your emotions to your story. And to open these up to you in a kind and safe way so that you'll start to see your circumstance in a new light in which you feel more of your own authority to handle the troubling conditions.The therapist and you will refine your thinking and theories. The therapist will ask questions to help you prepare for any stumbling blocks along your way of creating your own new answers to the problem you brought to counseling.I hope you'll enjoy learning and creating new thinking and interacting patterns!"}, {"questionTitle": "What are the skills needed by a counselor?", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "Some basic skills are empathy, you should feel heard and understood. The therapist should keep the focus on you since counseling is about you and the issues your facing. That being said if you feel like they are sharing too much its going okay to say this. They should also be able to identify some coping skills to help you manage the symptoms your experiencing."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the skills needed by a counselor?", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "Many skills and education and years of it plus experience. And many have done or went through their own and can relate. A lot of times many are just not happy with counselors with just the traditional type of education and want someone who can relate or even inspire to self grow. They need to be creative and very authentic. TO understand that it is not about the client thinking the counselor is going to solve their problems it is about separating and helping guide them to their goals as a result in what makes them a full filled individual. Plus as a counselor we continue to expand our skills and we also have our own masters so that we can be better for our practice."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the skills needed by a counselor?", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "Counselors are actually required to have many skills before walking into the field.We need to know a lot about all disorders, as well as techniques that best compliment them; however, that may look different depending on who we are sitting with. That skill is the ability to integrate assessments over the span of counseling to best fit the client's needs. Humans are complex so it's important to stay flexible!Because the client-counselor relationship is the best predictor of therapy outcomes, skills here are crucial. Counselors need to really be authentic, which includes sharing empathetic responses with the client. I have met a few clients that worry that those skills are feigned because it's our job, but these responses are very real. We care about our clients and want to express that to them.A skill that we use often all through counseling but especially in the beginning is conceptualization. Very important because it not only helps in understanding our clients' perspective, but helps to get a picture of the different pieces of why someone is functioning the way they are. Yes, humans are complex, but we become pretty simple when you work out all the parts. For example, if your pattern is to yell in arguments, a way to conceptualize that is that the trigger is the argument, your body goes into fight mode, you feel adrenaline and anger, you then yell to reduce anger. That reduction you feel in anger reinforces yelling, and if it made you feel better in the moment, that's a reward even if you feel guilty later on. Every behavior can be conceptualized and helps both the counselor and client understand all the elements of functioning and helps guide the focus.Some counselors specialize in areas or have a niche. That doesn't make a counselor better than any other counselor, but could make them a better fit for you. Knowing what you need out of a counselor is most important!"}, {"questionTitle": "What are the skills needed by a counselor?", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "1) An awareness of their own incompetence and inexperience with events in your life;2) An awareness of how the body, mind, emotions, spirit, and others all intertwine and activate one another;3) How to work to use these connections to have you improve your experience...Oh yeah, and there's some listening in there, as well :)"}, {"questionTitle": "What are the skills needed by a counselor?", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "Here is a list of skills I use every session, and a short explanation of what they are:Reflecting: Paraphrasing what clients have said so that they know you understand themValidating: Helping clients to know that their point of view is valuable and rationalClient-centered talk: Maintaining focus on the client in therapy sessions, rather than a therapist talking about themselvesAttending: Nonverbal or verbal cues that indicate I am listening to a client (i.e., nodding, leaning in, affirmations)Reframing: Helping a client to see a problematic behavior or situation in a different way (usually only works well after they feel heard and understood)"}, {"questionTitle": "What are the skills needed by a counselor?", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "I think that the most important skill a good counselor has is the ability to empathize (whether that be natural empathy, or trained, empathy is essential.) A good counselor also knows the difference between identifying with their client, and empathizing with their client. An ability to not bring in our own baggage (we all have baggage and most are \"wounded healers\") into our work, as it's not about us. If it is brought in, it should be in only a way that can help a client.And to listen...specifically to what the client is needing."}, {"questionTitle": "What are the skills needed by a counselor?", "questionText": "What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?", "answerText": "To be non-judgemental, know who they themselves are, be able to step forward and ask questions with ease and grace into painful emotional areas.Also to respect human difference in accomplishing basic life tasks and everyday living."}, {"questionTitle": "Are some clients more difficult than others?", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "Each client brings their own style they like to a coaching or counseling relationship. When I counseled and coached military I learned to relate to what style of coaching they seek. Some were better at the Drill Sergeant style of coaching, or a liberal style, integrative, humanistic, progressive, or conservative. Some can be obsessed and try and cross the line. When you are in the public eye it can be a bit much and you have to know what client is a good fit for your practice. Some don't see you as human but we are. We seek to do the best we can with our knowledge cause it is a calling and I am sure others will say on here that we have to have our go to place of healing also so we can be good for our clients."}, {"questionTitle": "Are some clients more difficult than others?", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "Although many clients have the capacity to be engaged in the therapeutic process and express their thoughts and feelings in an articulate way, others may demonstrate resistance to treatment which can manifest in ways such as reflecting the desire to end therapy prematurely, cancelling appointments, or arriving late. A resistant client can also make the process of the therapist engaging the client, challenging.Once the therapist identifies the resistance, it is essential for the therapist to address it with the the client and encourage the client to focus on the therapeutic goals.In my experience, I have observed that people have many reasons why they begin to show resistance. Some may believe the therapist is judgmental and they may not for one reason or another, feel emotionally safe with the therapist. Others may not feel comfortable talking about their feelings, and it may appear that they never developed a rapport with the therapist.Sometimes a person may harbor feelings of distrust, or dislike for the therapist which eventually creates barriers to good treatment outcomes."}, {"questionTitle": "Are some clients more difficult than others?", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "I usually don't label a client as \"difficult\" because whatever they are presenting with makes sense for how they believe they need to live. \"Difficult\" is also so subjective, so it could mean something different for each person.It can be really hard for most counselors to feel stuck with a client. Sometimes both the counselor and client have \"blind spots\" where we aren't aware of how functioning is surviving or we're unsure of how to move forward despite many attempts to do so.Some clients are also ambivalent to change even though they show up to counseling. Most of my client load is comprised of teens that are mandated to be in therapy or day treatment and at times, it's a struggle to build a relationship as a result. It takes take to work through that, and a patient, understanding counselor will know to allow the client to meet at their own pace.I think it's common for counselors to sometimes perceive something as more difficult than it really is. I've definitely been guilty of that. All some clients need is just someone who will listen, understand, and extend empathy. We can fall into expectations of our clients growth that may not even be needed or realistic.No matter what a client comes into session with, they should never be blamed for their issues or made to feel like they are, themselves, difficult. Therapy is hard, and when you see a counselor it's usually because you are having difficulties that feel unsolvable on your own."}, {"questionTitle": "Are some clients more difficult than others?", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "Dang right! :)Heh heh, and correct me if I'm wrong... and, if we are truly professionals, we should be able to handle even the most bumptious of folks, now shouldn't we? ;)It's like a mechanic who knows his way around every inch of an engine... he'll know what to do... heh heh heh..."}, {"questionTitle": "Are some clients more difficult than others?", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "Yes, just like some relationships outside of our work are more difficult than others. But, I would not say that the \"client is more difficult,\" rather the dynamic between myself and the client, which constitutes a relationship, might feel more difficult. And that's okay (sometimes things that feel like the most challenging end up with profound shifts and outcomes.) It is often helpful to understand difficulties that exist, because they can illuminate for a therapist something with which a client might be struggling, and when it takes place in the therapy space, it can be experienced and then worked through.It's hard to necessarily say what some difficulties are that a counselor might encounter, but I would say that not showing up, like in any relationship, is one of the hardest things for me. And not just physically not showing up (though that is certainly frustrating), but not being open to the work is a form of not showing up. While not every client is as \"motivated to change,\" it's helpful to my therapist-client relationships that the client try. It might be hard for them, but the effort even to say \"this is tough for me\" can go a long way in these kinds of relationships."}, {"questionTitle": "Are some clients more difficult than others?", "questionText": "What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?", "answerText": "Each counselor will have their own list of \"difficulties\" in doing therapy work with a client. Even if clinically trained similarly, since counselors are human then their response to your question will reflect their unique differences as humans.On my list is when the emotional pain I feel for someone describing some type of injustice or unfair treatment by another, feels very deep.Sometimes I feel like avoiding the pain I feel by asking questions which will steer the conversation away from the painful areas the client talks about.What in fact is necessary to clear out their pain, is to step further into so as to realize their emotional pain isn't greater than who they are."}]