Stone Butch

Blues

Stone Butch

Bluesa novel by

Leslie Feinberg
20th anniversary
author edition

Available atwww.lesliefeinberg.net

© 1993 and 2014 by Leslie Feinberg
10th Anniversary Edition Afterword, Excerpts © 2003 by Leslie
Feinberg.
Preface to Chinese Edition © 2003 by Leslie Feinberg.
Note to Serbo-Croatian Edition © 2012 by Leslie Feinberg.
20th Anniversary Edition Notes from Author, Author
Acknowledgements, Author Rights and Requests, Author
Translation Agreement, and Author Biography © 2014 by Leslie
Feinberg.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced
in any form by any electronic or mechanical means (including
photocopying, recording, or information storage and retrieval)other than those described in the Author Rights and Requests
Statement.
Published by Firebrand Books: 1993.
Published by Alyson Books: 2003.
20th Anniversary Author Edition: 2014.
ISBN: Previously published with ISBN 1-56341-030-3, ISBN10: 156341029X and ISBN-13: 978-1563410291 by FirebrandBooks, and ISBN 1-55583-853-7 and ISBN 978-155583-853-9
by Alyson Books.
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non-commercial publication.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Feinberg, Leslie. 1949-2014
Stone Butch Blues/20th Anniversary Edition/Leslie Feinberg/
First Self-Published Edition
Includes: 10th Anniversary 2003 Edition Afterword, Excerpts;
Preface to 2003 Chinese Edition; Note to 2012 Serbo-Croatian
Edition
1. Trans*—Fiction.
2. Transgender people—Fiction.
3. Butch and femme (Lesbian cultures)—Fiction.
4. Lesbians—Fiction.
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Freedman, Leslie Kahn, Adam Schiff, Kelly Wooten.
Cover Design by Kuan Luo
Dedication, Back and Front Cover Photographs by Leslie Feinberg
Available at www.lesliefeinberg.net:
NO COST
Read online
PDF download
Mobile device download
AT COST
Print-on-demand
12 pt. & 16 pt. large-print type

From 10th Anniversary Edition

Stone Butch

Blues“Leslie Feinberg has written a poignant, multilayered
story involving class, race, religion, politics, andgender that touches the hearts and souls of anyone
that has lived outside the purported norms imposedby mainstream society.”“In a world of polarities, where all we’re taught isblack and white, Stone Butch Blues added to what weknow is really a rainbow. How we choose to live inour bodies and our hearts is much more than a DickDQG-DQHUHDOLW\µ—Michael M. Hernandez, transgender writer/activist—Jewelle Gomez, author of Don’t Explain“Stone Butch Blues is a powerful novel written by afounder of the contemporary transgender movement.
It is also an important historical text documenting
the profound shift in how we all came to think about
gender at the end of the last century.”“In this revolutionary novel, Feinberg explodes themyth of the binary gender system and the feminist
notion that butchness is apolitical. The scenes of earlyqueer society are brought to vivacious life—I laughed,
I cried, and felt right at home.”—Susan Stryker, executive director of GLBT Historical
Society—Chrystos, author of Fire Power and Fugitive Colors

“Stone Butch Blues is a unique take on the universal
theme of self-love and identity … written with acompelling passion that has its very own sound.”—Emanuel Xavier, author of Americano and Christ Like
“Stone Butch Blues has probably touched your life even
if you haven’t read it yet. It’s a movement classic,
one of those books that spilled right out of its
binding and into the world, changing the landscapeirrevocably.”—Alison Bechdel, creator of Dykes to Watch Out For“The most galvanizing book I’ve encountered about
the alchemical transformations among pride, shame,
DQGGHÀDQFHµ—Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, author of Touching Feeling:
Affect, Pedagogy, Performativity“Stone Butch Blues is the queer great American novel—
it will be read, loved, studied, and denounced for along, long time.”—Holly Hughes, performance artist and author of Clit
Notes: A Sapphic Sampler“Reading this book changed my life. The narrator of
Stone Butch Blues both walks achingly alone and tells
the sweet story of connecting to a society in which
DJHQF\EHFRPHVSRVVLEOH)HLQEHUJ·V-HVVZLWQHVVHV
the vast criminality of homophobia, the tenderness
and the wildness of love, and the tiny, massive
vitalities of friendship, work, and political community.
Everyone needs to know Stone Butch Blues and pass itaround. It’s history out loud.”—Eileen Myles, author of Cool for You“Stone Butch BluesLVDPDVWHUSLHFHRI 86ÀFWLRQDQG
should be required reading in high school and college
classes across the county. This novel takes its place
not only within a long tradition of queer narrativesof alienation and opposition, but, in form andcontent, it also hearkens back to radical proletarian
U.S. literature from the 1930s. By weaving the story
RI -HVV*ROGEHUJDZRUNLQJFODVVJHQGHUZDUULRU
through the narratives of the 1960s and 1970s social
movements, Feinberg insistently reminds us that our
individual struggles are always part of a larger fabricof resistance. Stone Butch Blues will be read for years tocome!”—Judith Halberstam, author of Female Masculinity

Dedicated to

CeCe McDonald
CeCe McDonald’s tenacious courage and organizing inspired aninternational united front: against violence targeting oppressed
youths and women--particularly the war on (trans)women of color,against the school-to-prison pipeline and racist mass incarceration,
white supremacy and transmisogyny; and for the rights of oppressed
sexes, self/gender expressions and sexualities, and the right of the
oppressed to self-defense.

CeCe McDonald wrote from a prison cell on
November 16, 2012:“Trans Day of Remembrance: A Proposal”

These excerpts and more information:
supportcece.wordpress.com“[T]o have rights and a voice. To be able to walk in thisworld, not afraid and actually feel like a human being and
not a shadow in a corner.

´$URXQGDPRQ-XQH&H&HZDVZDONLQJWRWKH
grocery store with some friends, all of them young, African
American, and LGBTIQ or allied. As they passed a local
bar, the Schooner Tavern, a group of older, white people
who were standing outside the bar’s side door began hurling
racist and transphobic slurs at them, without provocation.
… When CeCe approached the group and told them that
her crew would not tolerate hate speech, one of the women«VPDVKHGKHUJODVVLQWR&H&H·VIDFH«$ÀJKWHQVXHG
during which one of the attackers, Dean Schmitz, was fatally
stabbed. The only person arrested that night was CeCe. …”“We need for our mission to promote racial, social, andeconomic justice for trans youth, with freedom to selfGHÀQHJHQGHULGHQWLW\DQGH[SUHVVLRQ“I would have rather been punished for asserting myself
than become another victim of hatred.
“We need to not only celebrate for Trans Day of
Remembrance, but also become self-aware and ready to
put an end to our community being the focus of violence.
Of course it is more than important to recognize and pay
homage to our fallen, but we also need to put our feetdown and start being real leaders and making this stand.”CeCe McDonald won her release on
January 13, 2014.
Photo made together by CeCe McDonald & Leslie
Feinberg during a jail visit in South Minneapolis
RQWKHHYHQLQJRI $SULO³WKHÀUVWGD\RI 
McDonald’s trial.
Creative Commons: Attribution-ShareAlike 2.5
Generic
No commercial use except for social/media reportsŶŶŶ

Visit www.lesliefeinberg.net for‘This is what solidarity looks like!’
Slide show documenting breadth of demand to‘Free CeCe!’i have been locked by the lawless.
Handcuffed by the haters.
Gagged by the greedy.
And, if i know anything at all,it’s that a wall is just a walland nothing more at all.
It can be broken down.
from “i believe in living.”
By Assata Shakur
assatashakur.org

3KRWRFUHGLW*UHJ%XWWHUÀHOG
‘Stop Wall Street’s war on women!’
Wall Street
New York City
March 31, 2012

I delivered many messages of solidarity
to CeCe McDonald during a brief visit
with her in jail on the evening of herÁVWXHE]SJXVMEP3RIQIWWEKIWIRXF]
Reina Gossett (center, holding sign), included the last lines of Assata Shakur’s
poem. I conveyed Reina’s message,omitting the poem. After the visit, I
explained to Reina that I had feared
the jailers who listen in might erroneously jump to the conclusion that themessage was code for escape. With
this epigraph, I complete the task withwhich I was entrusted by Reina Gossett(thespiritwas.tumblr.com).
Photo credit: Gabriel Foster‘May Day 2012’
Union Square
New York CityMay 1, 2012—Leslie Feinberg, August 2013

Table of Contents
001ŶStone Butch Blues
Chapters 1-26

333ŶAuthor Notes on the 20th Anniversary Edition
336ŶAuthor Afterword to the 10th Anniversary Edition, Excerpts
339ŶAuthor Preface to the Chinese Edition343ŶAuthor Note to the Serbo-Croatian Edition348ŶPublication History349ŶAuthor: Thanks to the Team!
352ŶAuthor Rights & Requests
358ŶTranslation Agreement360ŶAbout Leslie Feinberg363Ŷ‘Free CeCe!’Previously translated into:
Chinese, Turkish, Slovenian, Serbo-Croatian, Greek,
Italian, German, Dutch, and Hebrew (author royalties
donated to Palestinian ASWAT)

Dear Reader:
I want to let you know that Stone Butch Blues is an anti-oppression/s novel.
As a result, it contains scenes of rape and other violence.
None of this violence is gratuitous or salacious.
LeslieStone Butch

Bluesa novel by

Leslie Feinberg

01
DEAR THERESA,
I’m lying on my bed tonight missing you, my eyes all
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lightning storm raging outside. Tonight I walked down streetslooking for you in every woman’s face, as I have each night of thislonely exile. I’m afraid I’ll never see your laughing, teasing eyes
again.
I had coffee in Greenwich Village earlier with a woman.
$PXWXDOIULHQGÀ[HGXVXSVXUHZH·GKDYHDORWLQFRPPRQ
since we’re both “into politics.” Well, we sat in a coffee shop andshe talked about Democratic politics and seminars and photography
and problems with her co-op and how she’s so opposed to rent
control. Small wonder—Daddy is a real estate developer.
I was looking at her while she was talking, thinking tomyself that I’m a stranger in this woman’s eyes. She’s looking at
PHEXWVKHGRHVQ·WVHHPH7KHQVKHÀQDOO\VDLGKRZVKHKDWHV
this society for what it’s done to “women like me” who hatethemselves so much they have to look and act like men. I felt
P\VHOI JHWWLQJÁXVKHGDQGP\IDFHWZLWFKHGDOLWWOHDQG,VWDUWHG
telling her, all cool and calm, about how women like me existed
since the dawn of time, before there was oppression, and how thosesocieties respected them, and she got her very interested expression
on—and besides it was time to leave.
So we walked by a corner where these cops were laying intoa homeless man and I stopped and mouthed off to the cops andthey started coming at me with their clubs raised and she tugged
my belt to pull me back. I just looked at her, and suddenly I
felt things well up in me I thought I had buried. I stood there
remembering you like I didn’t see cops about to hit me, like I was
falling back into another world, a place I wanted to go again.
And suddenly my heart hurt so bad and I realized how
long it’s been since my heart felt—anything.
I need to go home to you tonight, Theresa. I can’t. So I’mwriting you this letter.

I remember years ago, the day I started working at thecannery in Buffalo and you had already been there a few months,
and how your eyes caught mine and played with me before you
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some forms but I was so busy wondering what color your hair wasunder that white paper net and how it would look and feel in myÀQJHUVGRZQORRVHDQGIUHH$QG,UHPHPEHUKRZ\RXODXJKHG
gently when the foreman came back and said, “You comin’ or
not?”All of us he-shes were mad as hell when we heard you
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breasts. I still unloaded on the docks for another couple of days,
but I was kind of mopey. It just wasn’t the same after your lightwent out.
I couldn’t believe it the night I went to the club on the West
Side. There you were, leaning up against the bar, your jeans tootight for words and your hair, your hair all loose and free.
And I remember that look in your eyes again. You didn’t
just know me, you liked what you saw. And this time, ooh
woman, we were on our own turf. I could move the way you
wanted me to, and I was glad I’d gotten all dressed up.
Our own turf . . . “Would you dance with me?”You didn’t say yes or no, just teased me with your eyes,straightened my tie, smoothed my collar, and took me by thehand. You had my heart before you moved against me like you
did. Tammy was singing “Stand By Your Man,” and we were2

Leslie Feinberg

FKDQJLQJDOOWKHKH·VWRVKH·VLQVLGHRXUKHDGVWRPDNHLWÀWULJKWAfter you moved that way, you had more than my heart. You
made me ache and you liked that. So did I.
The older butches warned me: if you wanted to keep yourmarriage, don’t go to the bars. But I’ve always been a one-woman
butch. Besides, this was our community, the only one we belonged
to, so we went every weekend.
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had one kind or the other, some weekends both. There were theÀVWÀJKWVEHWZHHQWKHEXWFKZRPHQ³IXOORI ERR]HVKDPHMHDORXVLQVHFXULW\6RPHWLPHVWKHÀJKWVZHUHDZIXODQGVSUHDGOLNHDZHE
to trap everyone in the bar, like the night Heddy lost her eye when
she got hit upside the head with a bar stool.
I was real proud that in all those years I never hit anotherbutch woman. See, I loved them too, and I understood their pain
and their shame because I was so much like them. I loved thelines etched in their faces and hands and the curves of their workweary shoulders. Sometimes I looked in the mirror and wondered
what I would look like when I was their age. Now I know!
In their own way, they loved me too. They protected me
because they knew I wasn’t a “Saturday-night butch.” The
weekend butches were scared of me because I was a stone he-she.
If only they had known how powerless I really felt inside! But theolder butches, they knew the whole road that lay ahead of me andthey wished I didn’t have to go down it because it hurt so much.
When I came into the bar in drag, kind of hunched over,they told me, “Be proud of what you are,” and then they adjusted

my tie sort of like you did. I was like them; they knew I didn’t
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each other on the back in the bars and watched each other’s backs
at the factory.
But then there were the times our real enemies came in thefront door: drunken gangs of sailors, Klan-type thugs, sociopaths
and cops. You always knew when they walked in because someone
thought to pull the plug on the jukebox. No matter how manytimes it happened, we all still went “Aw …” when the music
stopped and then realized it was time to get down to business.
:KHQWKHELJRWVFDPHLQLWZDVWLPHWRÀJKWDQGÀJKWZH
did. Fought hard—femme and butch, women and men together.
If the music stopped and it was the cops at the door,
someone plugged the music back in and we switched dance
partners. Us in our suits and ties paired off with our drag queen
sisters in their dresses and pumps. Hard to remember that it was
illegal then for two women or two men to sway to music together.
When the music ended, the butches bowed, our femme partners
curtsied, and we returned to our seats, our lovers, and our drinks
to await our fates.
That’s when I remember your hand on my belt, up under
my suit jacket. That’s where your hand stayed the whole time thecops were there. “Take it easy, honey. Stay with me baby, cool
off,” you’d be cooing in my ear like a special lover’s song sungto warriors who need to pick and choose their battles in order tosurvive.

We learned fast that the cops always pulled the police
van right up to the bar door and left snarling dogs inside so we
couldn’t get out. We were trapped, alright.
Remember the night you stayed home with me when I was
so sick? That was the night—you remember. The cops pickedout the most stone butch of them all to destroy with humiliation,a woman everyone said “wore a raincoat in the shower.” Weheard they stripped her, slow, in front of everyone in the bar, andlaughed at her trying to cover up her nakedness. Later she wentmad, they said. Later she hung herself.
What would I have done if I had been there that night?
I’m remembering the busts in the bars in Canada. Packed
in the police vans, all the Saturday-night butches giggled and triedWRÁXII XSWKHLUKDLUDQGVZLWFKFORWKLQJVRWKH\FRXOGJHWWKURZQ
in the tank with the femme women—said it would be like “dyin’
and goin’ to heaven.” The law said we had to be wearing threepieces of women’s clothing.
We never switched clothing. Neither did our drag queen
sisters. We knew, and so did you, what was coming. We needed
our sleeves rolled up, our hair slicked back, in order to live
through it. Our hands were cuffed tight behind our backs. Yours
were cuffed in front. You loosened my tie, unbuttoned my collar,
and touched my face. I saw the pain and fear for me in your face,and I whispered it would be alright. We knew it wouldn’t be.
I never told you what they did to us down there—queens
in one tank, stone butches in the next—but you knew. One at a
Stone Butch Blues3

time they would drag our brothers out of the cells, slapping andpunching them, locking the bars behind them fast in case we lost
control and tried to stop them, as if we could. They’d handcuff
a brother’s wrists to his ankles or chain his face against thebars. They made us watch. Sometimes we’d catch the eyes of theterrorized victim, or the soon-to-be, caught in the vise of torture,
and we’d say gently, “I’m with you, honey, look at me, it’s OK,
we’ll take you home.”
We never cried in front of the cops. We knew we were next.
The next time the cell door opens it will be me they drag out
and chain spread-eagle to the bars.
Did I survive? I guess I did. But only because I knew I
might get home to you.
They let us out last, one at a time, on Monday morning.
No charges. Too late to call in sick to work, no money, hitchhiking, crossing the border on foot, rumpled clothes, bloody,needing a shower, hurt, scared.
I knew you’d be home if I could get there.
You ran a bath for me with sweet-smelling bubbles. You
laid out a fresh pair of white BVDs and a T-shirt for me and
OHIWPHDORQHWRZDVKRII WKHÀUVWOD\HURI VKDPH
I remember, it was always the same. I would put on
the briefs, and then I’d just get the T-shirt over my head and\RXZRXOGÀQGVRPHUHDVRQWRFRPHLQWRWKHEDWKURRPWR
get something or put something away. In a glance you would
memorize the wounds on my body like a road map—the gashes,bruises, cigarette burns.
4

Leslie Feinberg

Later, in bed, you held me gently, caressing me everywhere,
the tenderest touches reserved for the places I was hurt, knowing
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But slowly you coaxed my pride back out again by showing me
how much you wanted me. You knew it would take you weeks
again to melt the stone.
Lately I’ve read these stories by women who are so angry
ZLWKVWRQHORYHUVHYHQPRFNLQJWKHLUSDVVLRQZKHQWKH\ÀQDOO\give way to trust, to being touched. And I’m wondering: did it
hurt you the times I couldn’t let you touch me? I hope it didn’t.
You never showed it if it did. I think you knew it wasn’t you
I was keeping myself safe from. You treated my stone self as awound that needed loving healing. Thank you. No one’s ever donethat since. If you were here tonight … well, it’s hypothetical, isn’t
it?
I never said these things to you.
Tonight I remember the time I got busted alone, on strange
turf. You’re probably wincing already, but I have to say thisto you. It was the night we drove ninety miles to a bar to meetfriends who never showed up. When the police raided the club wewere “alone,” and the cop with gold bars on his uniform cameright over to me and told me to stand up. No wonder, I was the
only he-she in the place that night.
He put his hands all over me, pulled up the band of my
Jockeys and told his men to cuff me—I didn’t have three pieces

RI ZRPHQ·VFORWKLQJRQ,ZDQWHGWRÀJKWULJKWWKHQDQGWKHUH
because I knew the chance would be lost in a moment. But I also
knew that everyone would be beaten that night if I fought back,so I just stood there. I saw they had pinned your arms behind
your back and cuffed your hands. One cop had his arm acrossyour throat. I remember the look in your eyes. It hurts me even
now.
They cuffed my hands so tight behind my back I almost
cried out. Then the cop unzipped his pants real slow, with asmirk on his face, and ordered me down on my knees. First I
thought to myself, I can’t! Then I said out loud to myself andto you and to him, “I won’t!” I never told you this before, butsomething changed inside of me at that moment. I learned thedifference between what I can’t do and what I refuse to do.
I paid the price for that lesson. Do I have to tell you every
detail? Of course not.
When I got out of the tank the next morning you were
there. You bailed me out. No charges, they just kept your money.
You had waited all night long in that police station. Only I knew
how hard it was for you to withstand their leers, their taunts, theirthreats. I knew you cringed with every sound you strained to hearfrom back in the cells. You prayed you wouldn’t hear me scream.
I didn’t.
I remember when we got outside to the parking lot you
stopped and put your hands lightly on my shoulders and avoided
my eyes. You gently rubbed the bloody places on my shirt andsaid, “I’ll never get these stains out.”

Damn anyone who thinks that means you were relegated inlife to worrying about my ring-around-the-collar.
I knew exactly what you meant. It was such an oddly sweet
way of saying, or not saying, what you were feeling. Sort of theway I shut down emotionally when I feel scared and hurt andhelpless and say funny little things that seem so out of context.
You drove us home with my head in your lap all the way,
stroking my face. You ran the bath. Set out my fresh underwear.
Put me to bed. Caressed me carefully. Held me gently.
Later that night I woke up and found myself alone in bed.
You were drinking at the kitchen table, head in your hands. You
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my chest and cried even harder, sobbing, “It’s my fault, I couldn’t
stop them.”
I’ve always wanted to tell you this. In that one moment I
knew you really did understand how I felt in life. Choking onanger, feeling so powerless, unable to protect myself or those I
ORYHGPRVW\HWÀJKWLQJEDFNDJDLQDQGDJDLQXQZLOOLQJWRJLYH
up. I didn’t have the words to tell you this then. I just said, “It’llbe OK, it’ll be alright.” And then we smiled ironically at what
I’d said, and I took you back to our bed and made the best love
to you I could, considering the shape I was in. You knew not to
WU\WRWRXFKPHWKDWQLJKW<RXMXVWUDQ\RXUÀQJHUVWKURXJKP\hair and cried and cried.
Stone Butch Blues

5

When did we get separated in life, sweet warrior woman?
We thought we’d won the war of liberation when we embraced
the word gay. Then suddenly there were professors and doctors
and lawyers coming out of the woodwork telling us that meetings
should be run with Robert’s Rules of Order. (Who died andleft Robert god?)
They drove us out, made us feel ashamed of how welooked. They said we were male chauvinist pigs, the enemy. It was
women’s hearts they broke. We were not hard to send away, wewent quietly.
The plants closed. Something we never could have imagined.
That’s when I began passing as a man. Strange to be exiled
from your own sex to borders that will never be home.
You were banished too, to another land with your own sex,
and yet forcibly apart from the women you loved as much as you
tried to love yourself.
For more than twenty years I have lived on this lonely
shore, wondering what became of you. Did you wash off your
Saturday night makeup in shame? Did you burn in anger when
women said, “If I wanted a man I’d be with a real one?”
Are you turning tricks today? Are you waiting tables orlearning Word Perfect 5.1?
Are you in a lesbian bar looking out of the corner of youreye for the butchest woman in the room? Do the women there talkabout Democratic politics and seminars and co-ops? Are you withwomen who only bleed monthly on their cycles?
6

Leslie Feinberg

Or are you married in another blue-collar town, lying withan unemployed auto worker who is much more like me than they
are, listening for the even breathing of your sleeping children? Do
you bind his emotional wounds the way you tried to heal mine?
Do you ever think of me in the cool night?
I’ve been writing this letter to you for hours. My ribs hurt
bad from a recent beating. You know.
I never could have survived this long if I’d never known
your love. Yet still I ache with missing you and need you so.
Only you could melt this stone. Are you ever coming back?
The storm has passed now. There is a pink glow of lighton the horizon outside my window. I am remembering the nights I
fucked you deep and slow until the sky was just this color.
I can’t think about you anymore, the pain is swallowing
me up. I have to put your memory away, like a precious sepia
photograph. There are still so many things I want to tell you, toshare with you.
Since I can’t mail you this letter, I’ll send it to a place
where they keep women’s memories safe. Maybe someday, passing
through this big city, you will stop and read it. Maybe you won’t.
Good night, my love.

02
I DIDN’T WANT TO BE different. I longed to be
everything grownups wanted, so they would love me.
I followed all their rules, tried my best to please. But
there was something about me that made them knit
their eyebrows and frown. No one ever offered aname for what was wrong with me. That’s what mademe afraid it was really bad. I only came to recognize
its melody through this constant refrain: “Is that aboy or a girl?”
I was one more bad card life had dealt myparents. They were already bitterly disappointed
people. My father had grown up determined hewasn’t going to be stuck in a factory like his old man;my mother had no intention of being trapped in amarriage.
When they met, they dreamed they were goingon an exciting adventure together. When theyawoke, my father was working in a factory and mymother had become a housewife. When my motherdiscovered she was pregnant with me, she told my dad
she didn’t want to be tied down with a kid. My father
insisted she’d be happy once she had the baby. Nature
would see to that.
My mother had me to prove him wrong.
My parents were enraged that life had cheatedthem. They were furious that marriage blocked theirlast opportunity to escape. Then I came along and I
was different. Now they were furious with me. I could
hear it in the way they retold the story of my birth.
Rain and wind had lashed the desert while mymother was in labor. That’s why she gave birth to me
at home. The storm was too violent to be forded. My
father was at work, and we had no phone. My mothersaid she wept so loudly in fear when she realized I wason the way that the Dineh grandmother from acrossthe hall knocked on the door to see what was wrong,
and then realizing my birth was imminent, brought
three more women to help.

The Dineh women sang as I was born. That’s
what my mother told me. They washed me, fannedsmoke across my tiny body, and offered me to mymother.
“Put the baby over there,” she told them,pointing to a bassinet near the sink. Put the baby
over there. The words chilled the Indian women. My
mother could see that. The story was retold manytimes as I was growing up, as though the frost thatbearded those words could be melted by repeatingthem in a humorous, ironic way.
Days after I was born the grandmother knockedon our door again, this time because my cries alarmed
her. She found me in the bassinet, unwashed. My
mother admitted she was afraid to touch me, except
to pin on a diaper or stick a bottle in my mouth. The
next day the grandmother sent over her daughter,
who agreed to keep me during the day while her
children were at school, if that was alright. It was andit wasn’t. My mother was relieved, I’m sure, although
at the same time it was an indictment of her. But she
let me go.
And so I grew in two worlds, immersed in themusic of two languages. One world was Wheaties andMilton Berle. The other was fry bread and sage. One
was cold, but it was mine; the other was warm, but it
wasn’t.
8

Leslie Feinberg

0\SDUHQWVÀQDOO\VWRSSHGOHWWLQJPHWUDYHO
across the hall when I was four. They came to pickme up before dinner one night. A number of thewomen had cooked a big meal and brought all thechildren together for the feast. They asked my parents
if I could stay. My father grew alarmed when heheard one of the women say something to me in alanguage he didn’t understand, and I answered her
with words he’d never heard before. He said later he
FRXOGQ·WVWDQGE\DQGZDWFKKLVRZQÁHVKDQGEORRG
be kidnapped by Indians.
I’ve only heard bits and pieces about thatevening, so I don’t know everything that went on.
I wish I did. But this part I’ve heard over and overagain: one of the women told my parents I was goingWRZDONDGLIÀFXOWSDWKLQOLIH7KHH[DFWZRUGLQJ
changed in the retelling. Sometimes my mother would
pretend to be a fortune-teller, close her eyes, cover
KHUIRUHKHDGZLWKKHUÀQJHUWLSVDQGVD\´,VHHDGLIÀFXOWOLIHIRUWKLVFKLOGµ2WKHUWLPHVP\IDWKHU
would bellow like the Wizard of Oz, “This child will
walk a hard road!”
In any case, my parents yanked me out of there.
Before they left, though, the grandmother gave mymother a ring and said it would help to protect me in
OLIH7KHULQJIULJKWHQHGP\SDUHQWVEXWWKH\ÀJXUHG

all that turquoise and silver must be worth something,so they took it.
That night there was another terrible desert
storm, my parents told me, terrifying in its power.
The thunder crashed and the lightning illuminatedeverything.
ŶŶŶ´-HVV*ROGEHUJ"µWKHWHDFKHUDVNHG
“Present,” I answered.
The teacher narrowed her eyes at me. “What
NLQGRI QDPHLVWKDW",VLWVKRUWIRU-HVVLFD"µ
I shook my head. “No, ma’am.”´-HVVµVKHUHSHDWHG´7KDW·VQRWDJLUO·VQDPHµ
I dropped my head. Kids around me covered their
PRXWKVZLWKWKHLUKDQGVWRVWLÁHWKHLUJLJJOHVMiss Sanders glared at them until they fell silent.
´,VWKDWD-HZLVKQDPH"µVKHDVNHG,QRGGHGKRSLQJWKDWVKHZDVÀQLVKHG6KHZDVQRW´&ODVV-HVVLVIURPWKH-HZLVKSHUVXDVLRQ-HVVtell the class where you’re from.”
I squirmed in my seat. “The desert.”´:KDW"6SHDNXS-HVVµ“I’m from the desert.” I could see the kids
mugging and rolling their eyes at each other.

“What desert? What state?” She pushed her
glasses higher up on her nose.
I froze with fear. I didn’t know. “The desert,” Ishrugged.
Miss Sanders grew visibly impatient. “Whatmade your family decide to come to Buffalo?”
How should I know? Did she think parents told
six-year-old kids why they made huge decisions thatwould impact on their lives? “We drove,” I said. Miss
Sanders shook her head. I hadn’t made a very goodÀUVWLPSUHVVLRQSirens screamed. It was the Wednesday morning
air raid drill. We crouched down under our desks andcovered our heads with our arms. We were warned
to treat The Bomb like strangers: don’t make eye
contact. If you can’t see The Bomb, it can’t see you.
There was no bomb—this was only practice forthe real thing. But I was saved by the siren.
ŶŶŶI was sorry we’d moved from the warmth of thedesert to this cold, cold city. Nothing could have
prepared me for getting out of bed on a wintermorning in an unheated apartment in Buffalo. Even
warming our clothes in the oven before we put themStone Butch Blues9

on didn’t help much. After all, we still had to take our
SDMDPDVRII ÀUVW2XWVLGHWKHFROGZDVVRÀHUFHWKDWthe wind carved up my nose and sliced into my brain.
Tears froze in my eyes.
My sister Rachel was still a toddler. I justremember a round snowsuit swaddled with scarvesand mittens and hat. No kid, just clothes.
Even when I was bundled up in the dead of
winter, with only a couple of inches of my facepeeking out from my snowsuit hood and scarf, adults
would stop me and ask, “Are you a boy or a girl?” I’ddrop my eyes in shame, never questioning their rightto ask.
During the summer there wasn’t much to do in
the projects, but there was plenty of time to do it.
The projects, former Army barracks, now
housed the military-contracted aircraft workers andtheir families. All our fathers went to work in thesame plant; all our mothers stayed home.
Old Man Martin was retired. He sat in a lawn
chair on his porch listening to the McCarthy hearingson his radio. It was turned up so loud you could hearit all the way down the block. “Gotta watch out,” he’dtell me as I passed his house, “communists could be
anywhere. Anywhere.” I’d nod solemnly and run off
to play.
10

Leslie Feinberg

But Old Man Martin and I shared something incommon. The radio was my best friend, too. “The-DFN%HQQ\6KRZµDQG´)LEEHU0F*HHDQG0ROO\µ
made me laugh, even when I didn’t know what was so
funny. “The Shadow” and “The Whistler” chilled me.
Perhaps outside these projects working families
already had televisions, but not us. The streets of the
project weren’t even paved—just gravel and giant
Lincoln Logs to mark the parking. Very few new
things came down our road. Ponies pulled the cartsof the ice man and the knife sharpener. On Saturday
they brought the ponies without the carts and soldrides for a penny. A penny also bought a chunk fromthe ice man—chipped off with his ice pick. The ice
was dense and slick and sparkled like a cold diamondthat might never melt.
:KHQDWHOHYLVLRQVHWÀUVWDSSHDUHGLQWKH
projects, it was in the living room of the McKensies’.
All the children in the neighborhood begged ourparents to let us go watch “Captain Midnight” on
the McKensies’ new television. But most of us were
not allowed in their home. Although it was 1955, theneighborhood still had some invisible war zones fromDÀHUFHVWULNHWKDWKDGEHHQVHWWOHGLQWKH\HDU,
ZDVERUQ´0DFµ0F.HQVLHKDGEHHQDVFDE-XVWWKH
word itself was enough to make me shy away from

their house. You could still see traces of that word on
the front of their coal bin, even though it had been
painted over in a slightly different shade of green.
Years later, fathers still argued about the strikeover kitchen tables and backyard barbecue grills. I
overheard descriptions of such bloody strike battles,
I thought WWII had been fought at the plant. At
night when we’d drive my father to his shift, I used
to crouch down on the backseat of the car and peek
SDVWWKHSODQWJDWHVRXWRYHUWKHQRZTXLHWÀHOGVRI 
combat.
There were also gangs in the projects, and thekids whose parents had scabbed during the strike
made up a small but feared pack. “Hey, pansy! Are
you a boy or a girl?” There was no way to avoid themin the small planet of the projects. Their sing-songtaunts stayed with me long after I’d passed by.
The world judged me harshly and so I moved, or
was pushed, toward solitude.
The highway sliced between our projects and a
KXJHÀHOG,WZDVDJDLQVWWKHUXOHVWRFURVVWKDWURDG
7KHUHZDVQ·WPXFKWUDIÀFRQLW<RX·GKDYHWRVWDQG
in the middle of a lane for a long time in order to gethit. But I wasn’t supposed to cross that road. I did
though, and no one seemed to notice.
I parted the long brown grass that bordered

the road. Once I passed through it I was in my own
world.
On the way to the pond I stopped to visit the
puppies and dogs in the outside kennels connectedto the back of the ASPCA building. The dogs barked
and stood on their hind legs as I approached thefence. “Shhh!” I warned them. I knew no one was
supposed to be back here.
A spaniel pushed his nose through the chainlink fence. I rubbed his head. I looked around for the
terrier I loved. He had only come to the fence once toJUHHWPHVQLIÀQJFDXWLRXVO\8VXDOO\QRPDWWHUKRZ
I coaxed, he’d lay with his head on his paws, looking
at me with mournful eyes. I wished I could take him
home. I hoped he went to a kid who loved him.
“Are you a boy or a girl?” I asked the mongrel.
“Ruff, ruff!”
I didn’t see the ASPCA man until it was too late.
“Hey, kid. What are you doing there?”
Caught. “Nothing,” I said. “I wasn’t doing
anything bad. I was just talking to the dogs.”+HVPLOHGDOLWWOH´'RQ·WSXW\RXUÀQJHUVLQVLGH
the fence, son. Some of ’em bite.”
I felt the tips of my ears grow hot. I nodded. “I
was looking for that little one with the black ears. Did
a nice family take him?”
Stone Butch Blues

11

The man frowned for a moment. “Yes,” he said
quietly. “He’s real happy now.”
I hurried out to the pond to catch pollywogs ina jar. I leaned on my elbow and looked up close at thelittle frogs that climbed up on the sun-baked rocks.
“Caw, caw!” A huge black crow circled above mein the air and landed on a rock nearby. We looked ateach other in silence.
“Crow, are you a boy or a girl?”“Caw, caw!”
I laughed and rolled over on my back. The sky
was crayon blue. I pretended I was lying on the white
cotton clouds. The earth was damp against my back.
The sun was hot, the breeze was cool. I felt happy.
1DWXUHKHOGPHFORVHDQGVHHPHGWRÀQGQRIDXOW
with me.
ŶŶŶ

2QP\ZD\EDFNIURPWKHÀHOGV,SDVVHGWKH6FDEELH
gang. They had found an unlocked truck parked on
an incline. One of the older boys disengaged theemergency brake and made two of the younger boys
from my side of the projects run under the truck as it
rolled.
´-HVV\-HVV\µWKH\WDXQWHGDVWKH\UXVKHGWRZDUGPH
12Leslie Feinberg“Brian says you’re a girl, but I think you’re a sissyboy,” one of them said.
I didn’t speak.
“Well, what are you?” he mocked me.
,ÁDSSHGP\DUPV´&DZFDZµ,ODXJKHG
2QHRI WKHER\VNQRFNHGWKHMDUÀOOHGZLWKpollywogs from my hand and it smashed on thegravel. I kicked and bit them but they held me andtied my hands behind my back with a piece ofclothesline.
“Let’s see how you tinkle,” one of the boys
said as he knocked me down and two of the others
struggled to pull off my pants and my underpants.
,ZDVÀOOHGZLWKKRUURU,FRXOGQ·WPDNHWKHPVWRS
The shame of being half-naked before them—theimportant half—took all the steam out of me.
They pushed and carried me to old Mrs.
-HIIHUVRQ·VKRXVHDQGORFNHGPHLQWKHFRDOELQ,W
was dark in the bin. The coal was sharp and cut likeknives. It hurt too much to lie still, but the more I
moved the worse I made the wounds. I was afraid I’dnever get out.
,WWRRNKRXUVEHIRUH,KHDUG0UV-HIIHUVRQLQ
the kitchen. I don’t know what she thought when
she heard all the thumping and kicking in her coalbin. But when she opened the little trap door on the

FRDOELQDQG,VTXLUPHGRXWRQWRKHUNLWFKHQÁRRU
she looked scared enough to fall down dead. ThereI stood, covered with coal soot and blood, tied up
and half-naked in her kitchen. She mumbled curses
under her breath as she untied me and sent me homewrapped in a towel. I had to walk a block and knockon my parents’ door before I found refuge.
They were really angry when they saw me. I
never understood why. My father spanked me over
and over again until my mother restrained his arm
with a whisper and her hand.
A week later I caught up with one of the boys
from the Scabbie gang. He made the mistake of
wandering alone too near our house. I made a muscle
and told him to feel it. Then I punched him in the
QRVH+HUDQDZD\FU\LQJ,IHOWJUHDWIRUWKHÀUVWWLPH
in days.
My mother called me into our house fordinner. “Who was that boy you were playing with?” I
shrugged.
“You were showing him your muscle?”
I froze, wondering how much she had seen.
She smiled. “Sometimes it’s better to let boys
WKLQNWKH\·UHVWURQJHUµVKHWROGPH,ÀJXUHGVKHZDVjust plain crazy if she really believed that.
The phone rang. “I’ll get it,” my father calledout. It was the parent of the kid whose nose I

bloodied; I could tell by the way my father gloweredat me as he listened.
ŶŶŶ“I was so ashamed,” my mother told my father. He
glared at me in the rearview mirror. All I could see
were his thick black eyebrows. My mother had been
informed that I could no longer attend temple unlessI wore a dress, something I fought tooth and nail. At
WKDWPRPHQW,ZDVZHDULQJD5R\5RJHUVRXWÀW³
without my guns. It was hard enough being the only
-HZLVKIDPLO\LQWKHSURMHFWVZLWKRXWEHLQJLQWURXEOH
at the temple. We had to drive a long time to go to thenearest synagogue. My father prayed downstairs.
My mother and sister and I had to watch fromthe balcony, like at the movies.
,WVHHPHGOLNHWKHUHZHUHQ·WPDQ\-HZVLQWKH
world. There were some on the radio, but none in my
VFKRRO-HZVZHUHQ·WDOORZHGRQWKHSOD\JURXQG7KDW·V
what the older kids told me, and they enforced it.
We were nearing home. My mother shook her
head. “Why can’t she be like Rachel?”
Rachel looked at me sheepishly. I shrugged.
Rachel’s dream was a felt skirt with an appliqué
poodle and rhinestone-studded plastic shoes.
Stone Butch Blues13

My father pulled our car to a stop in front of
our house. “You go straight to your room, young
lady. And stay there.” I was bad. I was going to bepunished. My head ached with fear. I wished I couldÀQGDZD\WREHJRRG6KDPHVXIIRFDWHGPH
It was almost sundown. I heard my parents
call Rachel to join them in their bedroom to lightthe Shabbas candles. I knew the shades were drawn.
A month before, we’d heard laughter and shouting
outside the living room windows while my motherwas lighting the candles. We raced to the windows
and peered out into the dusk. Two teenagers pulled
down their pants and mooned us. “Kikes!” they
shouted. My father didn’t chase them away; he closed
the drapes. After that, we started praying in their
bedroom with the shades pulled down.
Everyone in my family knew about shame andfear.
6RRQDIWHUZDUGP\5R\5RJHUVRXWÀWdisappeared from the dirty clothes hamper. My father
ERXJKWPHDQ$QQLH2DNOH\RXWÀWLQVWHDG
“No!” I shouted, “I don’t want to. I don’t want
to wear it. I’ll feel stupid!”
My father yanked me by the arm. “Young lady,,VSHQWIRUWKLV$QQLH2DNOH\RXWÀWDQG\RX·UH
going to wear it.”
I tried to shake off his hand, but it was clamped
14

Leslie Feinberg

painfully on my upper arm. Tears dripped down mycheeks. “I want a Davy Crockett hat.”
My father tightened his grip. “I said no.”“But why?” I cried. “Everybody has one except
me. Why not?”His answer was inexplicable. “Because you’re agirl.”
ŶŶŶ“I’m sick of people asking me if she’s a boy or a
girl,” I overheard my mother complain to my father.
“Everywhere I take her, people ask me.”
I was ten years old. I was no longer a little kid
and I didn’t have a sliver of cuteness to hide behind.
The world’s patience with me was fraying, and that
panicked me.
When I was really small I thought I’d doanything to change whatever was wrong with me.
Now I didn’t want to change, I just wanted people tostop being mad at me all the time.
One day my parents took my sister and me
shopping downtown. As we drove down Allen Street,QRWLFHGDJURZQXSZKRVHVH[,FRXOGQ·WÀJXUHRXW
“Mom, is that a he-she?” I asked out loud.
My parents exchanged amused glances and burst
out laughing. My father stared at me in the rearview

mirror. “Where did you hear that word?”
I shrugged, not sure I’d ever really heard theword before it had escaped from my mouth.
“What’s a he-she?” my sister demanded to know.
I was interested in the answer too.
“It’s a weirdo,” my father laughed. “Like abeatnik.”
Rachel and I nodded without understanding.
Suddenly a wave of foreboding swept over me.
I felt nauseous and dizzy. But whatever it was thattriggered the fear, it was too scary to think about. The
feeling ebbed as quickly as it had swelled.
ŶŶŶI gently pushed open the door to my parents’bedroom and looked around. I knew they were bothat work, but entering their bedroom was forbidden.
6R,SHHNHGDURXQGWKHURRPÀUVWMXVWWRPDNHVXUH
I went directly to my father’s closet door. His
blue suit was there. That meant he must be wearing
the grey one today. A blue suit and a grey suit—that’s
all any man needed, my father always said. His ties
hung neatly on a rack.
It took even more nerve to open my father’s
dresser drawer. His white shirts were folded andstarched stiff as a board. Each one was wrappedaround with tissue paper and banded like a gift. The
moment I tore off the paper band, I knew I was introuble. I had no hiding places for garbage that my
PRWKHUZRXOGQ·WÀQGULJKWDZD\$QG,UHDOL]HGP\father probably knew the precise number of shirts
he owned. Even though all of them were white, heprobably could tell exactly which one was missing.
But it was too late. Too late. I stripped down to
my cotton panties and T-shirt and slid on his shirt.
,WZDVVRVWDUFKHGP\HOHYHQ\HDUROGÀQJHUVFRXOG
hardly get the collar buttoned. I pulled down a tie
from the rack. For years I had watched my father
GHIWO\WZLVWDQGÁRSKLVWLHVLQDFRPSOLFDWHGVHULHVRI PRYHVEXW,FRXOGQ·WÀJXUHRXWWKHSX]]OH,WLHG
it in a clumsy knot. I climbed up on a footstool to lift
the suit from the hanger. Its weight surprised me. It
fell in a heap. I put on the suit coat and looked in the
mirror. A sound came from my throat, sort of a gasp.
I liked the little girl looking back at me.
Something was still missing; the ring. I opened
my mother’s jewelry box. The ring was huge. The
VLOYHUDQGWXUTXRLVHIRUPHGDGDQFLQJÀJXUH,
FRXOGQ·WWHOOLI WKHÀJXUHZDVDZRPDQRUDPDQ7KH
ULQJQRORQJHUÀWDFURVVWKUHHRI P\ÀQJHUVQRZLWÀW
snugly on two.
Stone Butch Blues15

I stared in the big mirror over my mother’s
dresser, trying to see far in the future when the
FORWKLQJZRXOGÀWWRFDWFKDJOLPSVHRI WKHZRPDQ,
would become.
I didn’t look like any of the girls or women I’dseen in the Sears catalog. The catalog arrived as the
VHDVRQVFKDQJHG,·GEHWKHÀUVWLQWKHKRXVHWRJR
through it, page by page. All the girls and women
looked pretty much the same, so did all the boys
DQGPHQ,FRXOGQ·WÀQGP\VHOI DPRQJWKHJLUOV,
had never seen any adult woman who looked likeI thought I would when I grew up. There were no
ZRPHQRQWHOHYLVLRQOLNHWKHVPDOOZRPDQUHÁHFWHGLQ
this mirror, none on the streets. I knew. I was always
searching.
For a moment in that mirror I saw the woman I
was growing up to be staring back at me. She looked
scared and sad. I wondered if I was brave enough to
grow up and be her.
I never heard the bedroom door open. By thetime I saw my parents it was already too late. Eachof them thought they were supposed to pick up
my sister at the orthodontist. So they all got home
unexpectedly early.
My parents’ expressions froze. I was sofrightened my face felt numb.
Storm clouds were gathering on my horizon.
16

Leslie FeinbergŶŶŶ

0\SDUHQWVGLGQ·WWDONDERXWÀQGLQJPHLQWKHLU
bedroom in my father’s clothes. I prayed I was off
the hook. But one day shortly afterward, my motherand father unexpectedly took me for a ride. They said
they were bringing me to the hospital for a blood test.
:HURGHXSLQDQHOHYDWRUWRWKHÁRRUZKHUHWKHWHVW
was supposed to be done. Two huge men in white
uniforms took me off the elevator. My parents stayedon. Then the men turned and locked the gate, barring
the elevator. I reached for my parents, but theywouldn’t even look at me as the elevator door closed.
Terror sat on my chest like an elephant. I could
hardly breathe.
A nurse explained the rules of my stay: I must
get up in the morning and stay out on the ward allday. I must wear a dress, sit with my knees crossed, be
polite, and smile when I was spoken to. I nodded as
though I understood. I was still in shock.
I was the only kid on the ward. They put me ina room with two women. One was a very old white
woman who they kept tied to the bed. She keened andcalled out the names of people who weren’t there.
The other white woman was younger. “I’m Paula,”
she said, extending her hand. “Nice to meetcha.”Her wrists were bandaged. She explained to me thather parents had forbade her to ever see her boyfriend
again because he was Black. She slit her wrists in grief,and so they put her in this place.
We played ping-pong together for the rest of
the day. Paula taught me the words to “Are You
Lonesome Tonight?” She laughed and applauded as
I dropped my voice low like Elvis. “Make trivets andmoccasins,” Paula advised me. “Make lots of ’em.
The more the better. They like that.” I didn’t knowwhat a trivet was.
That night I had trouble sleeping. I heard men
whispering and laughing as they came into my room.
I wrapped the sheets tightly around my body andlay very still in silence. I heard the sound of a zipper
RSHQLQJ7KHVPHOORI XULQHÀOOHGP\QRVWULOV0RUH
laughter, and then the sounds of footsteps getting
further and further away. My sheets were soaked. I
was afraid I might be blamed and punished. Who
had done this to me, and why? I’d ask Paula in themorning.
Nurses and orderlies came into our room when
the light was still grey behind the barred windows.
“Rise and shine,” they shouted.
The old woman began calling out names.
Paula fought the orderlies, bit their hands. They

cursed her, strapped her down, and wheeled her outof the room.
One nurse approached my bed. I could still
smell the faint scent of urine on the sheets even after
they’d dried. Would she take me away if she smelled
LWWRR"6KHVWXGLHGKHUFOLSERDUG´*ROGEHUJ-HVVµ,Wfrightened me to hear her say my name. “I don’t havea signature on this one,” she told the orderlies. They
all left the room.
´*ROGEHUJ-HVVµWKHROGZRPDQVKRXWHGRYHU
and over again.
After lunch I snuck back into my room to get
my yo-yo. Paula was sitting on her bed, staring at her
slippers. She looked at me and cocked her head. She
extended her hand to me. “I’m Paula,” she said. “Niceto meetcha.”
A nurse came into the room. “You,” she said,
pointing at me. I followed her back to the nurse’s
station. She held out two paper cups. Beautiful
FRORUHGSLOOVUROOHGDURXQGLQRQHWKHRWKHUZDVÀOOHG
with water. I stared at both cups.
“Take them,” the nurse ordered. “Don’t give mea hard time.” I already sensed that giving the staff ahard time might mean never getting out of there, so I
WRRNWKHSLOOV6RRQDIWHU,VZDOORZHGWKHPWKHÁRRUbegan to tilt as I walked. They made me feel like I was
moving through glue.
Stone Butch Blues

17

Every day I turned out more trivets andmoccasins. I began to care about a woman who talked
to ghosts I couldn’t see.
And I discovered Norton’s anthology of poetry
in the patients’ library—it changed my life. I readthe poems over and over again before I began tograsp their meanings. It wasn’t just that the words
were musical notes my eyes could sing. It was thediscovery that women and men, long dead, had leftme messages about their feelings, emotions I could
FRPSDUHWRP\RZQ,KDGÀQDOO\IRXQGRWKHUVZKR
were as lonely as I was. In an odd way, that knowledge
comforted me.
Three weeks after I’d been brought to this ward,
DQXUVHWRRNPHWRDQRIÀFH$PDQZLWKDEHDUG
sat behind a big desk smoking his pipe. He told me
he was my doctor. He said I seemed to be making
SURJUHVVWKDWEHLQJ\RXQJZDVGLIÀFXOWWKDW,ZDVgoing through an awkward stage.
“Do you know why you’re here?” he asked me.
I had learned a lot in three weeks. I realizedthat the world could do more than just judge me,it wielded tremendous power over me. I didn’t careanymore if my parents didn’t love me. I had acceptedthat fact in the three weeks I’d survived alone in this
hospital. But now I didn’t care. I hated them. And I
18

Leslie Feinberg

didn’t trust them. I didn’t trust anyone. My mind was
focused on escape. I wanted to get out of this place
and run away from home.
I told the doctor I was afraid of the grownup
male patients on the ward. I said I was sure myparents were disappointed in me, but I wanted tomake them happy and proud of me. I told him I
didn’t know what I was doing wrong, but if I could
just go home, I’d do whatever he thought I should.
I didn’t mean it, but I said it. He nodded, but heseemed more interested in keeping his pipe lit than inme.
Two days later, my parents appeared on the ward
and took me home. We didn’t speak about what had
happened. I concentrated on running away, waiting
for the right moment. I had to agree to see the shrink
once a week. I hoped I wouldn’t have to see him for
long, but the appointments continued for several
years.
ŶŶŶ

I remember the exact day the shrink dropped thebombshell: he and my parents had agreed charm
school would help me a lot. The date is etched in my
PLQG1RYHPEHU,ZDONHGRXWRI KLVRIÀFHin a daze. The humiliation of charm school seemed
more than I could bear. I might have killed myself if I
FRXOGKDYHÀJXUHGRXWDSDLQOHVVURXWH
Everyone else seemed to be walking aroundequally as stunned. When I got home my parents
had the television turned up loud and an announcer
reported that the president had been shot in Dallas.
,WZDVWKHÀUVWWLPH,·GHYHUVHHQP\IDWKHUFU\7KH
whole world was out of control. I closed my bedroom
door and fell asleep in order to escape.
I didn’t think I could survive the spotlight ofcharm school illuminating my shameful differences.
But somehow I got through it. My face burned withhumiliation and anger each time I had to pivot on
the runway in front of the whole class, over and overagain.
&KDUPVFKRROÀQDOO\WDXJKWPHRQFHDQGIRUDOO
that I wasn’t pretty, wasn’t feminine, and would neverbe graceful. The motto of the school was Every girlwho enters leaves a lady. I was the exception.
ŶŶŶ-XVWZKHQLWVHHPHGOLNHLWFRXOGQ·WJHWZRUVH,
noticed my breasts were growing. Menstruation didn’t
bother me. Unless I bled all over myself it was a

private thing between me and my body. But breasts!
Boys hung out of car windows and yelled vulgar
things at me. Mr. Singer at the pharmacy stared at
my breasts as he rang up my candy purchases. I quit
the volleyball and track teams because I hated how
my breasts hurt when I jumped or ran. I liked how
my body was before puberty. Somehow I thought itwould never change, not like this!
Whatever the world thought was wrong with me,,ÀQDOO\EHJDQWRDJUHHWKH\ZHUHULJKW*XLOWEXUQHG
like vomit in my throat. The only time it receded waswhen I went back to The Land Where They Don’t
Mind. That’s how I remembered the desert.
A Dineh woman came to me one night in a
dream. She used to come to me almost every night,
but not since I had been in the psychiatric ward
several years earlier. She held me on her lap and told
PHWRÀQGP\DQFHVWRUVDQGEHSURXGRI ZKR,ZDVShe told me to remember the ring.
When I woke up it was still dark outside. I
curled up on the foot of my bed and listened to therainstorm outside my window. Lightning bolts lit up
the night sky. I waited until my parents got dressed
before I snuck into their bedroom and took the ring.
During the day at school I hid in a bathroom stall andlooked at it, wondering about its power.
Stone Butch Blues

19

:KHQZRXOGLWSURWHFWPH",ÀJXUHGLWZDVOLNH
the Captain Midnight Decoder Ring—you had toÀJXUHRXWKRZLWZRUNHG
That night at dinner my mother laughed at me.
“You were talking Martian in your sleep again lastnight when we went to bed.”
I slammed my fork down. “It’s not Martian.”“Young lady,” my father shouted, “you can go toyour room.”ŶŶŶAs I walked through the high school corridor a groupof girls squealed as I passed, “Is it animal, mineral, or
YHJHWDEOH"µ,GLGQ·WÀWDQ\RI WKHLUFDWHJRULHVI had a new secret, something so terrible I knew
I could never tell anyone. I discovered it about myself
during the Saturday matinee at the Colvin Theater.
One afternoon I stayed in the bathroom at the theater
for a long time. I wasn’t ready to go home yet. WhenI came out, the adult movie was showing. I snuck inand watched. I melted as Sophia Loren moved her
body against her leading man. Her hand cupped theback of his neck as they kissed, her long red nails
trailed against his skin. I shivered with pleasure.
Every Saturday after that I hid in the bathroom
20

Leslie Feinberg

so I could sneak out and watch the adult movies. A
new hunger gnawed at me. It frightened me, but I
NQHZEHWWHUWKDQWRFRQÀGHLQDVLQJOHVRXOOne day my high school English teacher, Mrs.
Noble, gave us a homework assignment: bring in eightlines of our favorite poem and read them in frontof the class. Some of the kids moaned and groaned
that they didn’t have a favorite poem and it sounded“bor-ing.” But I panicked. If I read a poem I loved,
it would leave me vulnerable and exposed. And yet,to read eight lines I didn’t care about felt like selfbetrayal.
When it was my turn to read the next day, I
brought my math book with me up to the front of
the room. At the beginning of the semester I’d madea cover for the textbook out of a brown grocery bag
DQGFRSLHGDSRHPE\3RHDFURVVWKHLQVLGHÁDSI cleared my throat and looked at Mrs. Noble.
6KHVPLOHGDQGQRGGHGDWPH,UHDGWKHÀUVWHLJKW
lines:
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bringMy passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not takenMy sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I lov’d, I lov’d alone.
,WULHGWRUHDGWKHZRUGVLQDÁDWVLQJVRQJWRQH
without feeling, so none of the kids would understandwhat his poem meant to me, but their eyes werealready glazed with boredom. I dropped my gaze andwalked back to my seat. Mrs. Noble squeezed my arm
as I passed, and when I looked up I saw she had tears
in her eyes. The way she looked at me made me wantto cry, too. It was as though she could really see me,
and there was no criticism of me in her eyes.
ŶŶŶThe whole world was in motion, but you’d never have
known it from my life. The only way I heard about
the Civil Rights movement was from the copies of
LIFE magazine that came to our house. Every week,ZDVWKHÀUVWRQHLQWKHIDPLO\WRUHDGWKHQHZHVW
issue.
The image burned into my mind was one of
two water fountains labeled Colored and White. Other
photos let me see brave people—dark-skinned andlight—try to change that. I read their picket signs. I

saw them bloodied at lunch counters in Greensboro,
facing down steely-faced troops in Little Rock. I saw
WKHLUFORWKHVULSSHGIURPWKHLUERGLHVE\ÀUHKRVHVand police dogs in Birmingham. I wondered if I could
ever be that brave.
I saw a picture from Washington, D.C., of more
people than I ever could have imagined coming
together in one place. Martin Luther King told them
about his dream. I wished I could be part of it.
I studied my parents’ faces as they calmly readthe same magazines. They never said a word about
it. The world was turning upside down and they
quietly leafed through the pages as though they were
skimming a Sears catalog.
“I wish I could go down South on a Freedom
Ride,” I said out loud one night at dinner. I watched
my parents exchange a complex series of looks acrossthe table. They continued to eat in silence.
My father put down his fork. “That has nothing
WRGRZLWKXVµKHÀUPO\FORVHGWKHVXEMHFWMy mother looked back and forth from his
face to mine. I could tell she wanted to avoid theimpending explosion at any cost. She smiled. “YouNQRZZKDW,FDQ·WÀJXUHRXW"µWe all turned to look at her. “You know thatsong by Peter, Paul, and Mary? The answer, my friend,
Stone Butch Blues21

is blowing in the wind?” I nodded, eager to hear herquestion.
“I don’t understand what good blowing in
the wind would do.” Both my parents collapsed in
guffaws.
ŶŶŶ:KHQ,ZDVÀIWHHQ\HDUVROG,JRWDQDIWHUVFKRROMRE
That changed everything. I had to convince the shrink
it would be good for me before my parents would
give me permission. I convinced him.
I worked setting type by hand in a print shop.
I had told Barbara, one of my only friends inhomeroom class, that if I didn’t get a job I’d just die,and her older sister got this one for me by lying andswearing I was sixteen.
Nobody at work cared if I wore jeans andT-shirts. They paid me a stack of cash at the end ofeach week, and my co-workers were nice to me. It
wasn’t that they didn’t notice I was different, they justdidn’t seem to care as much as the high school kids
did. After school I hurriedly changed out of my skirt
and raced to work. My co-workers asked me how myday was and they told me about how it was when they22

Leslie Feinberg

were in high school. A kid could forget sometimes
that adults were ever teenagers unless they remindedyou.
2QHGD\DSULQWHUIURPDQRWKHUÁRRUDVNHG
Eddie, my foreman, “Who’s the butch?” Eddie justlaughed, and they walked off talking. The two women
who worked on either side of me glanced over to see
if I was hurt. I was more confused than anything.
That night, on dinner break, my friend Gloria
ate her meal next to me. Out of the blue she told
me about her brother—how he’s a pansy and wears
women’s dresses but she loves him anyway and how
she hates to see the way people treat him ’cause after
all it’s not his fault he’s that way. She told me she evenwent with him once to a bar where he hung out withhis friends and all these mannish women were coming
on to her. She shuddered when she said that.
I wondered why she was telling me this. “Whatplace was that?” I asked her.
“What?” She looked sorry she had opened up
the subject.
“Where’s the place where those people are?”Gloria sighed.
“Please,” I asked her. My voice was trembling.
She looked around before she spoke. “It’s inNiagara Falls,” she dropped her voice. “Why do you
want to know?”
I shrugged. “What’s the name of it?” I tried tosound real casual.
Gloria sighed deeply. “Tifka’s.” That’s all she said.

Stone Butch Blues23

03
IT WAS ALMOST A YEAR before I got up thenerve to call telephone information for the addressof Tifka’s. Finally I stood on the street in front of thebar, scared to death. I wondered what made me think
WKLVZDVWKHSODFH,FRXOGÀW$QGZKDWLI ,GLGQ·W"
I wore my blue-and-red striped shirt, a navy blue
jacket to hide my breasts, black pressed chinos, andblack Keds high-tops, because I had no dress shoes.
When I stepped inside, it was just a bar. Throughthe haze of smoke I saw faces glance over and lookme up and down. There was no turning back, and I
GLGQ·WZDQWWR)RUWKHÀUVWWLPH,PLJKWKDYHIRXQG
my people. I just didn’t know how to penetrate thissociety.
I bellied up to the bar and ordered a Genny.
“How old are you?” the bartender asked.
“Old enough,” I countered and put my money

down. A round of smirks rolled around the bar. I
sipped the beer and tried to act cool. An older dragqueen studied me carefully. I picked up my beer and
ZDONHGWRZDUGWKHVPRNHÀOOHGEDFNURRP
What I saw there released tears I’d held backfor years: strong, burly women, wearing ties and suitcoats. Their hair was slicked back in perfect DAs.
They were the handsomest women I’d ever seen.
Some of them were wrapped in slow motion danceswith women in tight dresses and high heels who
WRXFKHGWKHPWHQGHUO\-XVWZDWFKLQJPDGHPHDFKH
with need.
This was everything I could have hoped for inlife.
“You ever been in a bar like this before?” thedrag queen asked me.
“Lots of times,” I answered quickly. She smiled.

Then I wanted to ask her something so badly I
forgot to keep up my lie. “Can I really buy a woman adrink or ask her to dance?”“Sure, honey,” she said, “but only the femmes.”
She laughed and told me her name was Mona.
I focused on a woman sitting at a table alone.
God, she was beautiful. I wanted to dance with her.
The Four Tops were singing, Baby, I need your loving. I
wasn’t sure I knew how to slow dance, but I made abeeline for her before I lost my nerve.
“Would you dance with me?” I asked.
Mona and the bouncer picked me up andpractically carried me into the front bar and set meon a stool. Mona put her hand on my shoulder andlooked me dead in the eyes. “Kid, there’s a few things
I should tell you. It’s my fault. I told you it was OK to
DVNDZRPDQWRGDQFH%XWWKHÀUVWWKLQJ\RXVKRXOGknow is—don’t ask Butch Al’s woman!”
I was making a mental note of this when Butch
Al’s shadow fell across me. The bouncer stood
between us and the drag queens shooed her into the
EDFNURRP,WKDSSHQHGLQDÁDVKEXWDJOLPSVHRI 
WKLVZRPDQKDGÁRRUHGPH%XWFK$OZDVDJODQFHDW
power, a memory I was afraid to hang onto and afraid
to let go of.
I sat trembling at the bar long after the
momentary excitement had died down for everyoneelse. I felt exiled to the front of the bar, more lonely
than before I came in, because now I knew what I
wasn’t a part of.
$UHGOLJKWÁDVKHGRYHUWKHEDU0RQDJUDEEHG
my hand and dragged me through the backroom
LQWRWKHZRPHQ·VEDWKURRP6KHÁLSSHGWKHWRLOHW
seat down and told me to climb up on it. She closed
the stall door partway and said to stay there and bequiet. The cops were here. So there I crouched. Fora long time. It wasn’t until I frightened a femme
half to death when she opened the stall door that
I discovered the police had left long ago with their
payoff from the owner. No one remembered that thekid was hidden in the bathroom.
As I emerged from the john, everyone in thebackroom had a good laugh at my expense. I retreatedto the front bar again and nursed a beer.
Later I felt a hand on my arm. Here was thatbeautiful woman I had asked to dance. This was
Butch Al’s femme.
“C’mon honey, come sit with us,” she offered.
“No, I’m OK out here,” I said as bravely as I
could. But she put her arm around me gently andguided me off the bar stool.
“C’mon, join us. It’s OK. Al won’t hurt you,” shereassured me. “Her bark is worse than her bite.”
Stone Butch Blues25

I doubted that. Especially when Butch Al stood up as
I approached their table.
She was a big woman. I don’t know how tall she
really was. I was only a kid. But she towered over mein height and stature.
I immediately loved the strength in her face.
The way her jaw set. The anger in her eyes. The
way she carried her body. Her body both emerged
from her sports coat and was hidden. Curves andcreases. Broad back, wide neck. Large breasts boundtight. Folds of white shirt and tie and jacket. Hips
concealed.
She looked me up and down. I widened mystance. She took that in. Her mouth refused to smile,
but it seemed her eyes did. She extended a beefy
hand. I took it. The solidness of her handshakecaught me by surprise. She strengthened her grip, I
responded in kind. I was relieved I wasn’t wearing
a ring. Her clasp tightened, so did mine. Finally she
smiled.
´7KHUH·VKRSHIRU\RXµVKHVDLG,ÁXVKHGDW
how gratefully I embraced her words.
I guess you could explain away that handshakeby calling it bravado. But it meant more than thatto me then, and it still does. It’s not just a way ofmeasuring strength. A handshake like that is a26

Leslie Feinberg

challenge. It seeks out power through incremental
encouragement. At the point of maximum strength,
once equity is established, then you have really met.
I had really met Butch Al. I was so excited. And
scared. I needn’t have been: no one was ever kinder tome. She was gruff with me alright. But she peppered
LWZLWKVFUXIÀQJP\KDLUKXJJLQJP\VKRXOGHUV
and giving my face something more than a pat andless than a slap. It felt good. I liked the affectionin her voice when she called me kid, which she didfrequently. She took me under her wing and taught
me all the things she thought were most important fora baby butch like me to know before embarking onsuch a dangerous and painful journey. In her own way,
she was very patient about it.
In those days the bars in the Tenderloin district
were gay by percentage. Tifka’s was about 25 percent
gay. That meant we had a quarter of the tables and
GDQFHÁRRU7KHRWKHUWKUHHTXDUWHUVZHUHDOZD\V
pushing against our space. She taught me how weheld our territory.
I learned to fear the cops as a mortal enemy
and to hate the pimps who controlled the lives of somany of the women we loved. And I learned to laugh.
That summer, Friday and Saturday nights were full oflaughter and mostly gentle teasing.

The drag queens would sit on my lap and we’d
SRVHIRU3RODURLGSLFWXUHV:HGLGQ·WÀQGRXWWLOO
much later that the guy who took them for us was anundercover cop. I could look at the old bulldaggers
and see my own future. And I learned what I wanted
from another woman by watching Butch Al and her
ORYHU-DFTXHOLQH
They let me hang with the two of them allsummer long. I had told my parents I was working
double shifts on Friday and Saturday nights, “to save
up for college,” and was staying overnight with afriend from school who lived near my job. They choseto believe my alibi. All week long I counted the hours
till Friday night when I could punch out of work earlyand head for Niagara Falls.
After the bar closed we’d walk down the street,
SUHWW\WLSV\RQHRI XVRQHDFKRI -DFTXHOLQH·V
arms. She’d throw her head up to the heavens andsay, “Thank you, God, for these two good-looking
butches.” Al and I would lean forward and wink ateach other and we’d all laugh for the sheer joy ofbeing who we were, and being it together.
They let me sleep over weekends on their soft
ROGFRXFK-DFTXHOLQHFRRNHGHJJVDW$0ZKLOH
Al taught me. It was always the same lesson: toughenup. Al never said exactly what was coming. It wasnever spelled out. But I got the feeling it was awful.
I knew she was worried about my surviving it. I
wondered if I was ready. Al’s message was: You’re not!
That was not encouraging. But I knew it was theXUJHQF\$OIHOWWRSUHSDUHPHIRUVXFKDGLIÀFXOWOLIH
that gave her lessons a sharp edge. She never meant to
cut me. She nurtured my butch strength the best way
she knew how. And, she reminded me frequently, no
one had ever done that when she was a baby butch,
and she had survived. That was strangely reassuring. I
had Butch Al for a mentor.
$ODQG-DFNLHJURRPHGPH/LWHUDOO\-DFTXHOLQH
gave me haircuts in their kitchen. They took me to get
P\ÀUVWVSRUWVFRDWDQGWLHDWWKHVHFRQGKDQGVWRUHVAl combed the racks, pulling out sports coats, one
DIWHUDQRWKHU,WULHGRQHDFKRQH-DFNLHZRXOGWLOWKHU
KHDGWKHQVKDNHLW)LQDOO\-DFNLHVPRRWKHGP\ODSHOV
and nodded in approval. Al gave a low whistle ofappreciation. I had died and gone to butch heaven!
Then came the tie. Al picked it out for me. A
narrow black silk tie. “You can’t go wrong with ablack tie,” she informed me solemnly. And, of course,
she was right.
It was fun alright. But the issue of sex waspressing on me from within and without, and Al
knew it. One night at the kitchen table Al pulled out
Stone Butch Blues27

a cardboard box and handed it over to me to open.
Inside was a rubber dildo. I was shocked.
“You know what that is?” she asked me.
“Sure,” I said.
“You know what to do with it?”
“Sure,” I lied.
-DFTXHOLQHUDWWOHGWKHGLVKHV´$OIRU&KULVWVDNHVGive the kid a break, will you?”“A butch has gotta know these things,” Alinsisted.
-DFNLHWKUHZGRZQKHUGLVKWRZHODQGOHIWWKH
kitchen in exasperation.
This was to be our butch “father to son” talk. Al
talked, I listened. “Do you understand?” she pressed.
“Sure,” I said, “sure.”$OZDVVDWLVÀHGVKHKDGLPSDUWHGHQRXJKLQIRUPDWLRQE\WKHWLPH-DFNLHUHWXUQHGWRWKH
kitchen.
“One more thing, kid,” Al added, “don’t be likethose bulldaggers who put this on and strut theirstuff. Use a little decorum, you know what I mean?”“Sure,” I said. I didn’t.
Al left the room to take a shower before bed.
-DFTXHOLQHGULHGWKHGLVKHVORQJHQRXJKWKDWWKH
blush drained from my face and my temples stopped
pounding. She sat down on a kitchen chair next to28

Leslie Feinberg

me. “Did you understand what Al was telling you,honey?”“Sure,” I said, and vowed to never say that again.
“Is there anything you don’t understand?”“Well,” I started slowly, “it sounds like it takes alittle practice, but I get the general idea. I mean thatnoon and midnight stuff sounds, well, like you got topractice it to get it right.”-DFTXHOLQHORRNHGFRQIXVHG7KHQVKHODXJKHG
till tears streamed down her cheeks. “Honey,” she’dstart, but she was laughing too hard to continue.
“Honey. You can’t learn to fuck from reading Popular
Mechanics. That isn’t what makes a butch a goodlover.”
This was exactly what I needed to know! “Well,what does make a butch a good lover?” I asked, trying
to sound like the answer didn’t mean all that much tome.
Her face softened. “That’s kinda hard to explain.
I guess being a good lover means respecting a femme.
It means listening to her body. And even if the sex
gets a little rough, or whatever, that it’s what she
wants too, and inside you’re still coming from a gentle
place. Does that make sense?”
It did not. It was less information than I wanted.
It turned out, however, to be the information Ineeded. It just took thinking about it for the rest of
my life.
-DFTXHOLQHWRRNWKHUXEEHUFRFNIURPP\KDQGVHad I been holding it all this time? She placed it
carefully on my thigh. My body temperature rose. She
began to touch it gently, like it was something really
beautiful.
“You know, you could make a woman feel realgood with this thing. Maybe better than she ever felt
in her life.” She stopped stroking the dildo. “Or you
could really hurt her, and remind her of all the ways
she’s ever been hurt in her life. You got to think aboutthat every time you strap this on. Then you’ll be agood lover.”I waited, hoping there was more. There was not.
-DFNLHJRWXSDQGSXWWHUHGDURXQGWKHNLWFKHQ,ZHQWto bed. I tried to memorize every word that had been
said to me before I fell asleep.
ŶŶŶ:KHQ0RQLTXHEHJDQWRÁLUWZLWKPHHYHU\RQHDW
the bar was watching. Monique scared me to death.
-DFTXHOLQHRQFHVDLGWKDW0RQLTXHXVHGVH[OLNHD
weapon. Did Monique really want me? The butches
said it was true, so it must be. Somehow everyone

knew at once that I would lose my butch virginity
with Monique.
On Friday night the butches punched myshoulders, clapped me on the back, adjusted my tie,and sent me over to her table. As Monique and I left
together I noticed none of the other femmes were
HQFRXUDJLQJPH:K\ZRXOGQ·W-DFTXHOLQHORRNDWPH"
She just tapped her long painted nails on that whiskey
glass and stared at it like it was the only thing in theroom. Did she sense the impending tragedy before I
did?
The next evening I came to the bar late, hopingthat Monique and her crowd would not be there
waiting. They were. I slunk over to our table andsat down. No one knew exactly what had or had
not happened the night before. But everyone knew
something was very wrong.
I sat drowning in my own shame, remembering
our date. I was scared by the time I had gotten to
Monique’s house. It occurred to me that I didn’t reallyknow what sex was. When and how did it begin?
What was I supposed to do? And Monique frightened
the hell out of me. All of a sudden I’d changed mymind. I didn’t want to go through with it. I chatterednervously. Monique smirked. As I moved from couchto chair, she followed. “Whatsa matter?” she mocked
Stone Butch Blues29

me. “Don’t you like me, honey? Whatsa matter, huh?”,PDGHVPDOOWDONXQWLO0RQLTXHÀQDOO\VWRRGXSLQ
exasperation. “Get the hell out of here!” She soundeddisgusted with me. I mumbled relieved excuses andran from her house.
But back at the bar, I couldn’t escape theconsequences. I sat at a table across from Moniqueand rubbed my forehead with my hands, as though I
could wipe away the memory. I wondered how long
this evening could possibly last. A long time. A very
long time.
Monique whispered something to a butch
sitting near her. The butch crossed the room andapproached our table. “Hey,” she called to me. I didn’t
look up. “Hey, femme, you wanna dance with a realbutch?”
I twisted in my seat. Al whispered something tothis butch I couldn’t hear.
“Oh, I’m sorry Al, I didn’t know she was yourfemme.”
Al stood up and hit the butch before any ofus knew what had happened. Then Al looked at me
expectantly. “Well?” she said. She was holding up the
butch who was doubled over. Al wanted me to hit
the woman, to defend my honor. I couldn’t think ofanyone in the room I would want to hit, except maybe
myself. I had no honor to defend.
30

Leslie Feinberg

The butches nearest Monique stood, readyto cross the room. Al and the other butches in our
crowd lined up in front of the table to defend me.
-DFTXHOLQHSXWKHUKDQGRQP\WKLJKWRUHDVVXUHPHWKDW,GLGQ·WKDYHWRÀJKW6KHQHHGQ·WKDYH
Mona came up behind me and put her hands on myshoulders. The femmes were closing ranks with me,
too. I sat with my face in my hands, shaking my head,wanting it all to stop. But it wouldn’t.
0RQLTXH·VFURZGÀQDOO\EDFNHGGRZQ%XWQRQH
of us could leave the bar until they did, otherwise
we’d get jumped. It was going to be a long night.
Al was furious with me. “You gonna let thatbulldagger talk to you that way?” She thumped thetable for emphasis.
´6KXWXS$Oµ-DFTXHOLQHVQDSSHG,WVXUSULVHG
me enough that I raised my face to look at her. SheZDVJORZHULQJDW$O´-XVWOHDYHWKHNLGDORQHZLOO\D
please?”Al stopped yelling at me, but she turned herback to me to watch the couples dancing. Her bodylanguage said she was still pretty disgusted with me.
-DFTXHOLQHMXVWNHSWWDSSLQJKHUQDLOVRQKHUZKLVNH\glass like the evening before. It took me a long timeto learn femme Morse code.
After a while the bar crowd started thinning out.

<YHWWHFDPHLQ-DFTXHOLQHZDWFKHGKHUZLWKREYLRXV
concern.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, roused from myself-pity.
-DFNLHVWXGLHGP\IDFH´<RXWHOOPHµVKHVDLG,ORRNHGDW<YHWWH/LNH-DFTXHOLQHVKHKDG
worked the streets since she had been a teenager. Al
PDGH-DFNLHVWRSWXUQLQJWULFNV$OFRXOGVXSSRUWthem both on the money she earned at her union job
in the auto plant.
Yvette didn’t have a butch who worked in thefactories. Yvette didn’t have anyone but the otherworking girls.
“She looks like she had a hard night,” I offered.
-DFTXHOLQHQRGGHG´7KRVHDUHPHDQVWUHHWV:H
get real hurt out there.”I marveled at the intimacy suggested in thisinformation. Then she seemed to change the subject.
´:KDWGR\RXWKLQNVKHZDQWVULJKWQRZ"µ-DFTXHOLQH
asked me.
“To be left alone,” I said, thinking of my ownneed.
She smiled. “Yeah, she wants to be left alone.
She doesn’t want one more person in this goddamn
world to ask anything from her tonight. But she sure
could use some comfort, you know what I mean?”

Maybe I did. “She might really like it if a butch likeyou went over and just asked her to dance, you know?
Not hit on her.”I thought maybe I could do that. Anything totake the sting out of my own shame.
-DFTXHOLQHSXOOHGP\VOHHYH´'RLWJHQWO\understand?”I nodded and walked slowly across the room to
Yvette. She held her head in her hands. I cleared mythroat. She looked at me wearily and sipped from her
drink. “What do you want?” she asked me.
“Ah, I thought, would you dance with me?”She shook her head. “Maybe later, baby. OK?”
Maybe it was the way I just stood there. There
was no going back across the room in front of
Monique’s group or mine without having danced.
,KDGQ·WWKRXJKWRI WKDW+DG-DFNLH"2UPD\EH
-DFTXHOLQH·VH\HVFRQQHFWHGZLWK<YHWWH·VIURPDFURVVWKHURRP%XWÀQDOO\<YHWWHVDLG´<HDKZK\QRWµ
and stood up to dance with me.
I waited for her in the middle of the danceÁRRU5R\2UELVRQ·VYRLFHZDVVPRRWKDQGGUHDP\I stood still, with her hand in mine until she relaxed
and moved toward me. After we’d danced for a few
moments, Yvette told me, “It’s OK to breathe, you
know.” We laughed real hard, together.
Stone Butch Blues

31

Then I felt her body move closer and we kind ofmelted together. I discovered all the sweet surprises afemme can give a butch: her hand on the back of my
QHFNRSHQRQP\VKRXOGHURUEDOOHGXSOLNHDÀVWThe feel of her belly and thighs against mine. Her lips
almost touching my ear.
The music stopped and she started to pull away.
I held her hand gently. “Please?” I asked.
“Honey,” she laughed, “you just said the magic
word.”We danced a few slow songs in a row. Ourbodies swung effortlessly in the circle of dance. The
slightest shift in the pressure of my hand on her backchanged the motion of her body. I never ground mythigh into her pelvis. I knew she had been wounded
there. Even as a young butch that was the place I
protected myself. I felt her pain, she knew mine. I felt
her desire, she aroused mine.
Finally the music stopped and I let her go. I
kissed her on the cheek and thanked her. I crossed the
GDQFHÁRRUWRP\WDEOH,ZDVIRUHYHUFKDQJHG
-DFTXHOLQHSDWWHGP\WKLJKDQGÁDVKHGPH
a sweet smile. The other femmes—male andfemale—looked at me differently. As the world beat
WKHVWXIÀQJRXWRI XVWKH\WULHGLQHYHU\ZD\WR
protect and nurture our tenderness. My capacity fortenderness was what they’d seen.
32

Leslie Feinberg

The other butches had to recognize me as sexual
now, a competitor. Even Al looked at me differently.
As painful as this whole ritual had been, it wasnothing less than a rite of passage. I didn’t feel cocky.
It taught me that humility was exactly the correct
emotion when seeking to unleash the power of awoman’s passion.
Strong to my enemies, tender to those I loved
and respected. That’s what I wanted to be. Soon I
would have to put these qualities to the test. But forthe moment, I was happy.
ŶŶŶThe next Friday night at the bar was boisterous. We
all laughed and danced. Out of the corner of my
H\H,ORRNHGIRU<YHWWH-DFTXHOLQHPXVWKDYHNQRZQit because she explained to me that Yvette’s pimp
wouldn’t let her have a steady butch. My stomachtightened in rage. I still kept an eye out for her. Afterall, a pimp can’t know everything that’s going on,right?
:KHQWKHUHGOLJKWÁDVKHGRYHUWKHEDU,WRRN
myself to the women’s bathroom and assumed
my post on the toilet. A long time passed. I heard
thumping and several shouts. Then it was quiet.
I peeked outside the bathroom. All the stonebutches and drag queens were lined up facing thewall, hands cuffed behind their backs. Several of thefemmes who the cops knew were prostitutes were
getting roughed up and separated from the rest. I
knew by now it would take at least a blow job to getthem out of jail tonight.
A cop spotted me and grabbed me by the collar.
He handcuffed me and threw me across the room.
I looked for Al but they had already started taking
people to the police vans outside.
-DFTXHOLQHUXVKHGXSWRPH´7DNHFDUHRI HDFKother,” she said. “Be careful, honey,” she added. I
nodded. My wrists were painfully pinned behind myback. I was scared. I would try to be very careful. I
hoped Al and I could take care of each other.
By the time they had nabbed me, the butch van
was full. I rode in the police wagon with Mona andthe other drag queens. I was glad. Mona kissed mycheek and told me not to be afraid. She said I’d bealright. If that was true though, I wondered why all
the drag queens looked as scared as I felt.
At the precinct I saw Yvette and Monique,
DOUHDG\DUUHVWHGRQDVWUHHWVZHHS<YHWWHÁDVKHGPH
a smile for courage, I gave her a wink. A cop shoved
me from behind into the belly of the precinct. I washeaded for the bull’s tank. They were taking Al out of

the cell as they were bringing me in. I called her name.
She didn’t seem to hear me.
The cops locked me up. At least now my wrists
were free from the handcuffs. I smoked a cigarette.
What was going to happen? Through a grated
window I saw some Saturday-night butches getting
booked. They had taken Butch Al in the opposite
direction.
The drag queens were in the large cell next
to ours. Mona and I smiled at each other. At thatmoment three cops ordered her out of the cell. Her
body pulled back slightly. She had tears in her eyes.
Then she walked forward with them, rather than be
dragged out.
I waited. What was happening?
About an hour later the cops brought Monaback. My heart broke when I saw her. Two cops were
dragging her; she could barely stand. Her hair was
wet and stuck to her face. Her makeup was smeared.
There was blood running down the back of her
seamless stockings. They threw her into the cell next
to mine. She stayed where she fell. I could hardly
breathe. I spoke to her in a whisper. “Honey, youwant a cigarette? Want to smoke? C’mere, over hereby me.”She looked dazed, unwilling to move. Finally
she slid over to the bars beside me. I lit a cigaretteStone Butch Blues

33

and handed it to her. As she smoked, I slid my arm
through the bars and touched her hair gently, thenrested my hand on her shoulder. I spoke to her
quietly. She didn’t seem to hear me for a long time.
Finally, she leaned her forehead against the bars and I
put both my arms around her.
“It changes you,” she said. “What they do to you
in here, the shit you take every day on the streets—itchanges you, you know?” I listened. She smiled. “I
can’t remember if I was ever as sweet as you are when
I was your age.” Her smile faded. “I don’t want to
see you change. I don’t want to see you after you’ve
hardened up.”
I sort of understood. But I was really worried
about Al and I didn’t know what was going to happen
to me. This sounded like a philosophical discussion.
I didn’t know if I was going to live to an age whereexperience would change me. I just wanted to live
through tonight. I wanted to know where Al was.
The cops told Mona she’d been bailed out. “I
must look a mess,” she said.
“You look beautiful,” I told her, and I meant it. I
looked at her face for a last moment, wondering if themen she gave herself to loved her as much as I did.
“You really are a sweet butch,” Mona said before
she left. That felt good.
34

Leslie Feinberg

The cops dragged Al in just after Mona left. She
was in pretty bad shape. Her shirt was partly open
and her pants zipper was down. Her binder was gone,
leaving her large breasts free. Her hair was wet. Therewas blood running from her mouth and nose. She
looked dazed, like Mona.
The cops pushed her into the cell. Then they
approached me. I backed up until I was up against
the bars. They stopped and smiled. One cop rubbed
his crotch. The other put his hands under my armpits
DQGOLIWHGPHXSDFRXSOHLQFKHVRII WKHÁRRUDQG
slammed me against the bars. He pressed his thumbs
deep into my breasts and jammed his knee between
my legs.
“You should be this tall soon, tall enough yourfeet would reach the ground. That’s when we’ll takecare of you like we did your pussy friend Allison,” hetaunted me. Then they left.
Allison.
I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and Zippo
lighter and slid over to where Al was slumped on
WKHÁRRU,ZDVVKDNLQJ´$Oµ,VDLGH[WHQGLQJWKH
pack. She didn’t look up. I put my hand on her arm.
She sloughed it off. Her head was down. I could justsee the expanse of her wide back, the curves of her
shoulders. I touched them without thinking twice. She
let me.

I smoked with one hand and touched her backwith the other. She began to tremble. I put my arms
around her. Her body softened against me. She
was hurt. The parent had become the child for thismoment. I felt strong. There was comfort to be foundin my arms.
“Hey, look at this,” one cop yelled to another.
“Allison found herself a baby butch. They look like
two faggots.” The cops laughed.
My arms took more of her into my circle toprotect her, as though I could ward off their jeers andkeep her safe in my embrace. I had always marveled ather strength. Now I felt the muscles in her back andshoulders and arms. I experienced the power of thisstone butch, even as she slumped wearily in my arms.
7KHFRSVDQQRXQFHG-DFTXHOLQHKDGSRVWHG
our bail. The last words I heard from the cops were,“You’ll be back. Remember what we did to yourbuddy.”
What did they do? The questions came back
DJDLQ-DFTXHOLQHORRNHGIURP$O·VIDFHWRPLQHDVNLQJ
the same. I had no answers. Al offered none. In the
FDU-DFTXHOLQHKHOG$OLQDZD\WKDWPDGHLWORRNDWÀUVWJODQFHOLNH$OZDVFRPIRUWLQJKHU,VDWTXLHWO\LQ
the front seat needing comfort, too. I didn’t know thegay man who drove us. “Are you OK?” he asked me.

“Sure,” I answered without thinking.
+HGURSSHGXVRII DW$ODQG-DFNLH·VKRXVH$O
ate her eggs like she couldn’t taste them. She didn’t
VSHDN-DFTXHOLQHORRNHGQHUYRXVO\IURP$OWRPHDQG
back again. I ate and then did the dishes. Al went into
the bathroom.
´6KH·OOEHLQWKHUHDORQJWLPHµ-DFTXHOLQHVDLG
How did she know? Had this happened many
WLPHVEHIRUH",GULHGWKHGLVKHV-DFTXHOLQHWXUQHGWR
focus on me. “Are you OK?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m alright,” I lied.
She came closer to me. “Did they hurt you,baby?”“No,” I lied. I was mortaring a brick wall insidemyself. The wall didn’t protect me, and yet I watchedas though it wasn’t my hands placing each brick. I
turned away from her to signal that I had something
LPSRUWDQWWRDVN´-DFTXHOLQHDP,VWURQJHQRXJK"µShe came up behind me and turned me aroundby the shoulder. She pulled my face against her
cheek. “Who is, honey?” she whispered. “Nobody’s
strong enough. You just get through it the best you
can. Butches like you and Al don’t have a choice.
It’s gonna happen to you. You just gotta try to live
through it.”
I was already burning with another question.
“Al wants me to be tough. You and Mona and theStone Butch Blues35

other femmes are always telling me to stay sweet, staytender. How can I be both?
-DFTXHOLQHWRXFKHGP\FKHHN´$O·VULJKWUHDOO\,W·VVHOÀVKRI XVJLUOV,JXHVV:HZDQW\RXWREH
strong enough to survive the shit you take. We
love how strong you are. But butches get the shit
kicked out of their hearts too. And I guess we justsometimes wish there was a way to protect yourhearts and keep you all tender for us, you know?”
I didn’t. I really didn’t. “Is Al tender?”-DFTXHOLQH·VIDFHWLJKWHQHG7KHTXHVWLRQ
threatened to reveal something that could pierce%XWFK$O·VDUPRU7KHQ-DFTXHOLQHVDZ,UHDOO\QHHGHG
the answer. “She’s been hurt real bad. It’s hard for Al
to say everything she feels. But, yeah, I don’t think I
could be with her if she wasn’t tender with me.”We both heard Al unlock the bathroom door.
-DFTXHOLQHORRNHGDSRORJHWLF,VLJQDOHGWKDW,
understood. She left the kitchen. I was alone. I had a
lot to think about.
,OD\GRZQRQWKHFRXFK$IWHUDZKLOH-DFNLH
brought me bedding. She sat down beside me andstroked my face. It felt good. She looked at me for along time with a pained expression. I didn’t know why
EXWLWVFDUHGPH,JXHVV,ÀJXUHGVKHFRXOGVHHZKDW
was coming and I couldn’t.
36

Leslie Feinberg“Are you really OK, honey?” she asked.
I smiled. “Yeah.”“Do you need anything?”
Yeah. I needed a femme who loved me like she
loved Al. I needed Al to tell me exactly what they
were going to do to me next time and how to live
WKURXJKLW$QG,QHHGHG-DFTXHOLQH·VEUHDVW$OPRVW
as soon as the thought crossed my mind, she put
my hand on her breast. She turned her head in the
direction of the bedroom as though she was listening
for Al. “Are you sure you’re OK?” she asked one lasttime.
“Yeah, I’m OK,” I said.
Her face softened. She touched my cheek andpulled my hand away from her breast. “You’re a realbutch,” she said, shaking her head. I felt proud when
she said that.
In the morning I woke up early and left quietly.
%XWFK$ODQG-DFTXHOLQHZHUHQ·WDWWKHEDUDIWHU
that. Their phone was disconnected. I heard somestories about what happened to Al. I didn’t choose tobelieve any of them.
The summer passed. It was time for my junioryear of high school to begin. As summer turned tofall I stopped going to Niagara Falls on the weekends.
-XVWEHIRUH&KULVWPDV,ZHQWEDFNWR7LIND·VWRVHH

the old crowd. Yvette wasn’t there. I heard she diedalone in an alleyway, her throat slashed from ear toear. Mona overdosed, purposely. No one had seen Al.
-DFNLHZDVZRUNLQJWKHVWUHHWVDJDLQ
I walked against a bitter wind from bar to bar
along the Tenderloin strip. I heard her laughter before,VDZKHU7KHUHZDV-DFTXHOLQHLQWKHVKDGRZRI DQalley, sharing an ironic laugh with other working girls.
She saw me.
-DFTXHOLQHFDPHWRPHUHDGLO\VPLOLQJ,VDZ
the glaze of heroin across her eyes. She was thin,very thin. She faced me. She opened the collar of
my overcoat in order to straighten my tie. She turned
my collar up against the cold. I stood with my handsburied deep in my pockets. I felt like I did the night I
danced with Yvette.
We were asking each other a lot of questions
with our eyes and answering them. It all happened
real fast. I saw the tears just start spilling from hereyes and then she turned to go.
By the time I found my voice to speak,-DFTXHOLQHZDVJRQH

Stone Butch Blues37

04
THE NOTE SAILED ACROSS my desk and glided
RQWRWKHÁRRU,NHSWDQH\HRQ0UV5RWRQGRZKLOH,
bent over and picked it up. Luckily, she didn’t seem tonotice.
DANGER!! My parents want to know why yourparents call our house looking for you. I can’t cover for
you anymore. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!! Love until
eternity—your enduring friend, Barbara.
I looked up and caught Barbara’s eyes. She
wrung her hands and made a face that begged
forgiveness. I smiled and nodded. I mimed smoking
a cigarette. Barbara nodded and smiled. She made me
feel warm inside. Barbara—the girl I’d sat next to in
homeroom for two years. Barbara—the girl who told
me if I were a guy she’d be in love with me.
We met in the girls’ bathroom. Two of thejuniors who were smoking had already opened thewindows. “Where’ve you been lately?” Barbara
demanded to know.
“Working like crazy. I’ve got to get out of myparents’ house or I’m gonna die. They act like theyhate my guts.” I took a deep drag on my cigarette. “I
think they wish I was never born.”
Barbara looked frightened. “Don’t say that,” shetold me, then glanced around as if someone mighthear. She took a drag of smoke into her mouth andlet it trickle out as she inhaled it up her nose. “Isn’t
that wild? It’s called a French Curl. Kevin showedme.”“Oh, shit!” someone hissed.
“Alright girls, line up!” It was Mrs. Antoinette,the scourge of girls who longed for nicotine. She
ordered us to line up so she could smell our breath.
Since she hadn’t actually seen me, I took a chance andslipped out the door. The halls were deserted. Withinminutes a maddening bell would ring and the halls
would be jammed with kids using their notebooks infront of them like shields in battle.
I guess the summer had changed me. Otherwise
I would never have snapped the iron bands of habit
and left the building during school hours. I wanted torun around the track as fast as I could, to sweat out
the sticky sensation of imprisonment. But the boys
ZHUHLQIRRWEDOOSUDFWLFHLQWKHPLGGOHRI WKHÀHOG
and a group of girls were trying out for cheerleading.
So I climbed up into the bleachers and walked to thefar end.
A red-tailed hawk glided above the trees, anunusual sight in the city. There was no place to go;there was nothing to do. Whatever was going tohappen in my life I wanted it to hurry up. I wished I
could play quarterback on the football team. I could
imagine the weight of the equipment and the uniform
tight across my chest. I put my hand against my large
breasts.
,QRWLFHGWKDWÀYHRI WKHHLJKWJLUOVWU\LQJRXW
as cheerleaders were blonde. I didn’t know there
ZHUHÀYHEORQGHVLQWKHZKROHVFKRRO$OPRVWKDOI 
WKHVFKRROZDVZKLWH-HZLVKDQGPLGGOHFODVV7KH
other half was African-American and working class.

0\IDPLO\ZDV-HZLVKDQGZRUNLQJFODVV,IHOOLQWR
a lonely social abyss. The few friends I had in theschool were from families who worked to make ends
meet.
,ZDWFKHGWKHFKHHUOHDGHUVOHDYHWKHÀHOG7KH\looked over their shoulders to see if the boys noticed.
Football practice ended. Some of the white boys
VWD\HGRQWKHÀHOG2QHRI WKHP%REE\QRGGHG
toward me with his head. I got up to leave. “Where\RXJRLQ·-HVV"µKHPRFNHGPHWKHQKHDGHGWRZDUG
me. Several boys followed him.
I started to hurry across the bleachers.
´:KHUH·UH\RXJRLQJOH]]LH",PHDQ-H]]LHµ
They followed me as I rushed to get away. He
indicated for one of the boys to climb the bleachersin front of me. He and the other boys came directly
at me. I leaped over the bleachers and ran onto theÀHOG%REE\WDFNOHGPH,KLWWKHGLUWKDUG,WDOO
mushroomed so quickly. I couldn’t make it stop.
´:KDW·VDPDWWHU-HVV"'RQ·W\RXOLNHXV"µ%REE\
was pushing his hand up under my dress, between mylegs. I punched and kicked, but he and the other boys
pinned me down. “I saw you watching us. Come on,\RXZDQWLWGRQ·W\RX-H]]\"µ
I bit the hand nearest my mouth. “Ouch, shit,
fuck!” The boy yelled and backhanded me across my
Stone Butch Blues

39

face. I could taste my own blood. The expressions on
their faces scared me. These were not kids anymore.
I punched Bobby’s chest as hard as I could. I
must have hit his equipment because I skinned myknuckles and Bobby just laughed. He pressed his
forearm against my throat. One of the boys steppedon my ankle with his cleats. I struggled and cursed
them. They laughed as though this were a game.
Bobby unlaced his uniform pants and jammed
his penis into my vagina. The pain traveled up to mybelly, scaring the hell out of me. It felt like somethingripped deep inside of me. I counted the attackers.
There were six.
The one I was angriest at was Bill Turley.
Everyone knew he tried out for the team because thekids teased him about being a sissy. He scuffed thegrass with his cleats and waited for his turn.
Part of the nightmare was that it all seemedso matter of fact. I couldn’t make it stop, I couldn’t
escape it, and so I pretended it wasn’t happening.
I looked at the sky, at how pale and placid it was. I
imagined it was the ocean and the clouds were whitecapped waves.
$QRWKHUER\ZDVKXIÀQJDQGSXIÀQJRQWRSRI 
PH,UHFRJQL]HGKLP³-HIIUH\'DUOLQJDQDUURJDQWEXOO\-HIIUH\JUDEEHGP\KDLUDQG\DQNHGLWEDFNVR
40

Leslie Feinberg

hard I gasped. He wanted me to pay attention to therape. He fucked me harder. “You dirty Kike bitch, you
fucking bulldagger.” All my crimes were listed. I was
guilty as charged.
Is this how men and women have sex? I knew thiswasn’t making love; this was more like making hate.
But was this mechanical motion what all the jokes anddirty magazines and whispers were about? This wasit?
I giggled, not because what was happening was
funny, but because all the fuss about sex suddenly
VHHPHGVRULGLFXORXV-HIIUH\SXOOHGKLVFRFNRXWRI 
me and slapped my face, back and forth. “It’s not
funny,” he shouted. “It’s not funny, you crazy bitch.”
I heard the sound of a whistle. “Shit, it’s thecoach,” Frank Humphrey warned the other guys.
-HIIUH\MXPSHGXSDQGSXOOHGXSKLVSDQWV$OOWKH
boys scattered toward the gym.
,ZDVDORQHRQWKHÀHOG7KHFRDFKVWRRGD
distance away from me, staring. I wobbled as I tried tostand. There were grass stains on my skirt and bloodand slimy stuff running down my legs. “Get out ofhere, you little whore,” Coach Moriarty ordered.
I had to walk the long distance home since mybus pass wasn’t valid this late. I didn’t feel like this was
my life I was living anymore. It felt more like a movie.

A ’57 Chevy full of boys slowed down. “See you
tomorrow, lesbo,” I heard Bobby yell as they passed.
Was I their property now? If I wasn’t strong enoughto stop them once, could I ever hope to defend
myself again?
I ran to the bathroom as soon as I got home
and threw up in the toilet. Between my legs felt likechopped meat and the shooting pains frightened me. I
took a long, long bubble bath. I asked my sister to tell
my parents I was sick and went to bed. When I woke
up it was time to go to school. But I couldn’t, I wasn’t
ready!
“Now!” My mother ordered me out of bed. My
whole body hurt. I tried not to think about the pain
between my legs. My parents didn’t seem to notice mysplit lip or the way I was limping a little on my ankle.
I moved slow as molasses. I couldn’t think clearly.
“Hurry up,” my mother scolded. “You’re going to belate for school.”
I purposely missed my bus so I could walk toschool. At least if I was late I wouldn’t have to face
the kids before the bell rang. I forgot everything as I
walked. The wind whispered in the trees. Dogs barked
and birds chirped. I walked slowly, as though I wasn’t
on my way to any place in particular.
Then the school building loomed over me likeDPHGLHYDOFDVWOHDQGDOOWKHPHPRULHVÁRRGHGEDFN
in a sickening rush. Did the kids already know? The
way they whispered behind their hands as I passed
LQWKHKDOOZD\DIWHUÀUVWSHULRGFODVVPDGHPHWKLQNthey did. I thought maybe I was being paranoid until
RQHRI WKHJLUOVFDOOHGRXW´-HVV%REE\DQG-HIIUH\
are looking for you.” They all laughed. I felt like what
happened was my fault.
I ducked into my history class just as the bell
rang. Mrs. Duncan spoke the dreaded words: “Class,tear off a half sheet of paper and number from one
to ten. This is a test. Question number one: what year
was the Magna Carta signed?”I tried to remember if she’d ever taught us what
WKHKHOOWKH0DJQD&DUWDHYHQZDV7HQIDFWVÁRDWLQJin a vacuum. I chewed my pencil and stared at theblank piece of paper in front of me. I raised my handand asked for a bathroom pass. “You can go as soon
DV\RXÀQLVKWKHWHVW0LVV*ROGEHUJµ“Um, please Mrs. Duncan. It’s an emergency.”´<HDKµVDLG.HYLQ0DQOH\´VKHKDVWRJRÀQG
Bobby.”
I heard the guffaws behind me as I left theclassroom in panic. I ran through the halls looking forsomeone to help me. I had to talk to someone. I ran
upstairs to the cafeteria, looking for my friend Karla
Stone Butch Blues

41

from gym class. When the bell rang I saw Karla in the
crush of kids going in and out of the double doors.
“Karla,” I yelled, “I have to talk to you.”“What’s up?”
“I’ve gotta talk to you.” We made our way to thelunch line.
“What are they serving today?” Karla asked me.
“Can you see?”“Dreck on rice and shit on a shingle.”“Yum! Same as yesterday.”“And the day before.” It was such a relief tolaugh with her.
We got our trays and winced as the school
dietitian dumped a glop of something on each of ourplates. We picked up cartons of milk and paid for ourlunches. “Can we talk?” I asked her.
“Sure,” she said. “How about after lunch?”“Why not now?”
Karla looked at me blankly. “Can I sit with you?”
I pressed.
She continued to stare at me. “Girl, have yougone out of your cotton-pickin’ mind?” I looked
confused. “There’s a seating arrangement here. Or
haven’t you noticed?”
The moment she said it I realized it was true.
I looked around the lunchroom like I’d never really42

Leslie Feinberg

seen it before. The cafeteria was absolutely, rightdown the middle, segregated. “Get the picture,
honey? Where you been?”“Can I sit with you anyway?”
Karla tilted her head back and narrowed her eyes
at me. “It’s a free country,” she said as she turned onher heel and walked away.
“Hello, white girl! You new in town?” Darnell
teased as he moved over to let me sit down next to
Karla.
I laughed. There was no other sound in the hugeroom. You could’ve heard a pin drop. My stomachtightened, and the food on my plate looked moredisgusting than usual.
“Karla,” I sat down next to her. “I really need totalk to you, really bad.”“Uh-oh,” someone whispered at our table.
Mrs. Benson was racing toward our table.
“Young lady, what are you doing?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m eating lunch, Mrs.
Benson.”(YHU\RQHDWWKHWDEOHWULHGWRVWLÁHJLJJOHVEXW
when milk sprayed out of Darnell’s nose, well, it justcouldn’t be controlled.
“Come with me, young lady,” Mrs. Benson told me.
“Why?” I wanted to know. “I didn’t doanything.” She stormed away.
“That was easy,” Darnell said.
“Too easy,” Karla answered.
“Karla, I really need to talk to you,” I told her.
´8KRKµ'DUU\OVDLG´KHUHFRPHV-LP&URZµ
Actually, his name was Moriarty. The coach washeaded right for me.
I was waiting for him to say something to me,
but he didn’t. He grabbed me by the arms, digging hisÀQJHUVLQWRP\ÁHVK0RULDUW\KDOI GUDJJHGPHWRWKH
door of the cafeteria. “You little slut,” he whispered.
“I’ll take care of this, Coach.” Miss Moore,
the assistant principal, intervened. She put her arm
around me and led me out into the hall. “Child,” shesaid, “you are in a whole lot of trouble. What the hell
were you doing?”“Nothing, Miss Moore. I didn’t do anything. I
was just trying to talk to Karla.”
She smiled at me. “Sometimes you don’t have to
do anything wrong to be in hot water.”
All of my panic and fear welled up in my eyes. I
wanted so badly to open up to Miss Moore.
“Honey, it’s not all that bad,” she reassured
PH,FRXOGQ·WVSHDN´$UH\RX2.-HVV"$UH\RXLQ
trouble?” She looked at my swollen lip; no one else
KDGQRWLFHG´'R\RXZDQWWRWDON-HVV"µI did want to talk. But my mouth wouldn’t move.
“Here’s the other troublemaker,” Moriarty said.
He had Karla in his grip.
Miss Moore pulled Karla close to her. “I’ll takecare of this, Coach. You go back to being lunch
monitor.”He looked at her with open hatred. I could see
what a racist he was.
“C’mon girls.” Miss Moore put her arm aroundeach of us. “I’ll explain to the principal that you didn’tmean any harm.”
Karla and I leaned forward and looked at eachother. “I’m sorry,” I told her, “I didn’t mean any
harm.”Miss Moore stopped walking. “You girls didn’t
do anything wrong. You came up against an unspoken
rule that needs changing. I just want you both tosurvive it.”
:KHQWKHSULQFLSDO0U'RQDWWRÀQDOO\FDOOHG
PHLQWRKLVRIÀFH0LVV0RRUHDVNHGLI VKHFRXOG
come in too. He knitted his thick eyebrows together.
“I’d prefer it if you didn’t, Suzanne.”
Mr. Donatto shut the door and motioned
for me to sit down. I felt alone in a hostile world.
+HVOXPSHGLQKLVFKDLUDQGSUHVVHGKLVÀQJHUWLSV
together. I looked at the painting of George
Stone Butch Blues

43

Washington on the wall and wondered whether hewas wearing a white sheepskin coat or if the painting
ZDVQHYHUÀQLVKHG0U'RQDWWRFOHDUHGKLVWKURDW,
knew he was ready.
“I’ve been told you made some trouble in thelunchroom today, young lady. Would you care to
explain yourself ?”I shrugged my shoulders. “I didn’t do anything.”
Mr. Donatto leaned back in his chair. “Theworld is a very complicated place. More complex than
you kids realize.” Oh god, I thought. Here comes the
OHFWXUH´,QVRPHVFKRROVWKHUHDUHÀJKWVEHWZHHQ
the colored children and the white students. Did you
know that?”
I shook my head.
“I’m proud that we have good relations between
the races at this school. That’s not been easy since theschool district changed. We want to keep things calm,
do you understand?”“I don’t know why I can’t eat lunch with my
IULHQGV:H·UHQRWÀJKWLQJµ
Mr. Donatto’s jaw clenched. “The cafeteria is theway it is because the students are most comfortablewith the arrangement.”“Well, I’m not.” I wondered who was controlling mymouth. Mr. Donatto slammed his palm on the desk.
44

Leslie Feinberg

Miss Moore opened the door. “Can I be of help,
sir?”“Get out and shut the door,” he shouted at her.
He turned back to me and took a deep breath. “Iwant you to understand that what we want is good
relations between the students.”“Then why can’t I eat lunch with my friends?”
Mr. Donatto came over to me and leaned so
close I could feel his breath on my face. “Young lady,
you listen to me and you listen to me good. I’m trying
to hold this school together and I’ll be damned if I’mgoing to let a little troublemaker like you undo all myhard work. Do you understand me?” I blinked as little
bits of spit hit my face. “You are suspended for one
week.”
Suspended? For what? “I wanted to quit
anyway,” I told him.
He smirked. “You can’t quit until you’re sixteen.”“I can’t quit but you can suspend me?”“That’s right, young lady. Miss Moore,” Mr.
Donatto yelled, “this student has been suspended. Seethat she leaves the building immediately.”
Miss Moore was standing outside the door. She
smiled at me and put her hand on my shoulder. “YouOK?” she asked.
“Sure,” I said.

“This will blow over,” she assured me.
I made a pleading face. “Let me just see Mrs.
Noble and Miss Candi, please? Then I’ll go.” Miss
Moore nodded.
I wanted to talk to her so badly, but I felt as
though I was standing in a boat that was drifting awayfrom everyone. I said goodbye and walked away.
Mrs. Noble was marking test papers. She looked
up as I came into the classroom. “I heard,” she said,
and continued to correct papers.
I sat on top of a desk in front of hers. “I cameto say goodbye.”Mrs. Noble looked up and took off her glasses.
“You’re quitting school over this?”
I shrugged. “They suspended me, but I’m notcoming back.”“They suspended you? Over the lunchroom
incident?” Mrs. Noble rubbed her eyes and slipped
her glasses back on.
“Do you think I did something wrong?”
She sat back in her chair. “When you dosomething out of conviction, my dear, it should be
because you believe it’s the right thing to do. If you
look for approval from everyone, you’ll never be able
to act.”I felt criticized. “I’m not asking everybody, I wasjust asking you,” I sulked.

0UV1REOHVKRRNKHUKHDG´-XVWWKLQNDERXW
coming back. You must go to college.”,VKUXJJHG´,·PQHYHUJRQQDÀQLVKKLJKVFKRRO
I’m going into the factories.”“You need skills, even to be a laborer.”
I shrugged. “I can’t afford college, that’s one
thing. My parents aren’t going to spend a dime on me
or co-sign a loan either.”
She ran her hands through her hair. I noticed for
WKHÀUVWWLPHKRZJUH\LWZDV´:KDWGR\RXZDQWWR
do with your life?” she asked me.
I thought about it. “I want a good job, a union
job. I’d really like to get into the steel plant, or Chevy.”“I guess it wasn’t fair of me to want you to want
more.”“Like what?” I said, angry that I was now adisappointment to her, too.
“I could see you becoming a great American
SRHWRUDÀHU\ODERUOHDGHURUGLVFRYHULQJWKHFXUH
for cancer.” She took off her glasses and wiped themwith a Kleenex. “I wanted you to help change theworld.”
I laughed. She had no idea how powerless I
really was. “I can’t change anything,” I told her. I
toyed with telling her what had happened on the
IRRWEDOOÀHOGEXW,MXVWFRXOGQ·WÀQGWKHZRUGVWR
begin.
Stone Butch Blues

45

“Do you know what it takes to change the world,-HVV"µ,VKRRNP\KHDG´<RXKDYHWRÀJXUHRXWZKDW\RXUHDOO\EHOLHYHLQDQGWKHQÀQGRWKHUSHRSOHZKR
feel the same way. The only thing you have to doalone is to decide what’s important to you.”
I nodded and slid off the desk. “I’d better begoing, Mrs. Noble, before they send a posse to ejectme from the school grounds.”
She stood up and took my face in her hands. She
kissed me on the forehead. For some reason it mademe think about how it felt in jail with Al and Mona—
about moments when you’re being torn away frompeople you love and you feel real close to them.
“Come back and visit,” Mrs. Noble said.
“Sure,” I lied.
I headed toward the gym to say goodbye to
0LVV&DQGL0LVV-RKQVRQVWRSSHGPHLQWKHKDOOZD\“Where’s your hall pass, young lady?”“I don’t need one anymore. I’m suspended.” Isounded cheerful.
Only hours before I had felt imprisoned in thesehalls. Now that I was leaving, the school felt smaller.
I wandered through the corridors like an alumna. I
FRXOGKHDUWKHRIINH\VWUDLQVRI -RKQ3KLOLS6RXVD
coming from the auditorium. I had forgotten there
was an assembly last period. I guessed I didn’t need46

Leslie Feinberg

WRJR$VWKHEHOOUDQJGRRUVÁHZRSHQDQGVWXGHQWVÁRZHGLQWRWKHFRUULGRUV,ZDLWHGIRUWKHFURZGWR
thin out before I tried to struggle upstream to thegym.
There was no one in the girls’ gym when I got
there. I took my sneakers and shorts out of my locker
and put them on. I started playing on the monkey
ropes, climbing up one and then across the others.
When I shinnied down, I felt so pent-up I was afraid
I’d explode. I ran around the indoor track until I
almost dropped.
As I stopped I saw Miss Candi looking at me.
6KHKDGFRPHEDFNWRWKHJ\PRIÀFHIRUVRPHWKLQJ
and saw me running. “How long have you been
watching me?”She shrugged. “I heard you’ve been suspended.”“Do you think I did something wrong, Miss
Candi?” Even as I said it I remembered what Mrs.
Noble explained about needing approval.
“I just don’t believe in rocking the boat, that’sall,” she said, looking away.
“Wow,” I sighed in disappointment. “Well, Miss
Candi, I just came to say goodbye.”I walked past the auto shop—that’s the class
I wanted. Instead they’d had me making popovers
with lemon sauce in cooking class. How did Mrs.

Noble think I could ever change this world by making
popovers?
Over the main entrance to the school the words
Optima futura were carved in stone. The best is yet to be. I
hoped that was true.
´+H\µ'DUQHOO\HOOHGIURPWKHVHFRQGÁRRUdetention room. “Way to go!” I waved to him. “Meetus later,” he yelled. A teacher pulled him inside andshut the window.
´-HVVµ,KHDUG.DUODFDOOP\QDPH´-HVVZDLWup!”“They suspended me,” I told her.
“Me too,” she said. “For two weeks.”“Two weeks? They only suspended me for one!
I’m quittin’, though.”
Karla whistled through her teeth. “Shit, are you
sure about that?”
I nodded. “I can’t take it anymore.”´-HVVµ.DUODVDLG´ZLWKDOOWKHVKLWWKDWZHQW
down I forgot to ask you what’s up. You said you
needed to talk.”That moment was a turning point in my life. I
felt like a dam ready to burst but I heard myself say,
“Aw, it wasn’t that important.”
Karla looked concerned. “Are you sure?”
I nodded, feeling the last brick of the wall go up

inside of me that might never come down again.
´:H·UHJRLQJGRZQWR-HIIHUVRQµ.DUODVDLG“Wanna come?” I shook my head and hugged her
goodbye.
I didn’t want to face my parents. I knew theywouldn’t be home from work yet, if I hurried.
As soon as I got home I took two pillowcasesand stuffed all my pants and shirts into them. I
reached deep into my closet and pulled out the
backpack that contained the tie and jacket Al and-DFTXHOLQHKDGERXJKWPHThe ring! I took it out of my mother’s jewelrycase and slipped it on my left hand.
I hurried, afraid my parents would come homeand catch me. I found a piece of paper and a pencil. I
was sweating and my hand shook.
Dear Mom and Dad, I wrote.
“Whatcha doing?” Rachel asked me.
“Shh!” I continued to write. I got kicked out ofschool. It’s not my fault, in case you care. I’m almost sixteen. I
was going to quit anyway. I have a job and money. I’m leaving.
Please don’t come after me. I don’t want to live here anymore. I
GLGQ·WNQRZZKDWHOVHWRZULWH7KH\FRXOGÀQGPHDW
my job if they wanted to, but there was a chance thatthey’d be as happy to be rid of me as I’d be relieved
to be gone.
Stone Butch Blues

47

“Whatcha doing?” Rachel asked me again. Her
lip trembled.
“Shh, don’t cry,” I told her. I gave her a hug.
“I’m running away from home.”
She shook her head. “You can’t,” she said.
I nodded my head. “I gotta try. I’m going crazyhere.”“I’ll tell,” Rachel threatened.
I rushed out the door, afraid to be caught by myparents at the last moment. They could use force tobring me back, have me arrested or commit me to
an institution. Or they could let me go. It was up tothem—I’d learned that. I ran down the street until
my lungs ached. When I was blocks away I leaned up
against a lamppost and caught my breath. I felt free.
Free to explore what freedom meant. I looked at mywatch. It was time to go to work. I was almost sixteen
years old. I had thirty-seven dollars in my pocket.
ŶŶŶ“You’re late,” my foreman told me as I punched in.
“Sorry,” I said, and started the machine up rightaway.
“Damn kid,” he told Gloria.
She kept her head down until he walked away.
48

Leslie Feinberg

7KHQVKHORRNHGXSDQGVPLOHG´7RXJKGD\-HVV"µI laughed. “I got kicked out of school and ran
away from home.”
She whistled and shook her head. “I’d take youhome with me, but my husband keeps trying to giveaway the kids we already got.”
I asked Eddie if I could work a double. “I’ll let
you know later,” he said. At 11:00 P.M. the work ran
out and he sent me home. I tried to sleep sitting up
at the bus station, but the cops kept coming by andasking me to show them my ticket. I bought a ticket
for Niagara Falls, but they woke me every time a bus
left for the Falls and wanted to know why I wasn’t on
it. I walked around and ate breakfast and drank coffee
and walked around some more. At noon I went to amovie matinee. When I woke up, I was late for work.
Eddie warned me not to be late again.
“You look like hell,” Gloria whispered.
“Thanks a lot.” I started thinking, “Hey, Gloria,
remember when you told me about that bar yourbrother went to in the Falls?”
Gloria tensed. “Yeah, so?”
“So does he know of any bars like that here in
town?” She shrugged. “It’s important, Gloria. Honest
to god, I really need to know.”
Gloria looked nervous. She cleaned her inky

hands on her apron as though she wanted to wipe her
hands of the whole topic. At lunchtime she pressed apiece of paper into my hand.
“What’s this?” The slip of paper had the word
Abba’s written on it.
“I called my brother. I asked him where he goes.
He said he used to go there.”
I smiled from ear to ear. “Do you know where it
is?”“What do I have to do, drive you there?”´2.µ,SXWXSP\KDQGVLQVXUUHQGHU´-XVW
asking.”I called information and got the address. Aftermy shift I washed up in the bathroom and changed
LQWRFOHDQFORWKHV,ORRNHGDWWKHULQJRQP\ÀQJHU
,WÀWVQXJO\,SOHGJHGWRQHYHUWDNHLWRII0D\EHQRZ
it was time for the ring to reveal to me the secrets ofsurviving my own life. I raced downtown to Abba’s
and then stood outside, pacing and smoking. I wasjust as scared to go into this bar as I’d been to enter
Tifka’s. Only this time I was carrying everything I
owned in two pillowcases. Where would I go if I was
rejected here?
I took a deep breath and walked into Abba’s.
It was real crowded inside, which made me feelanonymous and safe. I squeezed in at the bar. “A

Genny,” I called out to the bartender.
She narrowed her eyes. “Let’s see some ID.”
“They never asked me at Tifka’s,” I protested.
She shrugged. “So go get a beer at Tifka’s,” she
VDLGDVVKHZDONHGDZD\,KLWWKHEDUZLWKP\ÀVW
“Havin’ a hard day, kid?” one of the butches atthe bar asked me.
“A hard day?” My laughter sounded shrill. “I got
kicked out of school, got no place to live, and I’m
JRQQDORVHP\JRGGDPQMRELI ,FDQ·WÀQGDSODFHWR
sleep so I can be on time.”
She pursed her lips, nodded, and took a swig ofher beer. “You can stay at our place for a while if you
want,” she said casually.
“Are you fucking with me?” I demanded.
She shook her head. “You need a place to stay?
My girlfriend and I have an apartment over our
garage. You can stay there if you want, it’s up to you.”
She signaled to the bartender. “Meg, get the kid abeer, on me, OK?”
:HLQWURGXFHGRXUVHOYHV´-HV·ZKDW"µVKHDVNHG
´-HVVWKDW·VP\QDPH-XVW-HVVµ6KHVQRUWHG´-HV·-HVVKXK":HOO,·PMHV·7RQLµ
Meg slammed a bottle of beer in front of me.
“Thanks for the beer, Toni.” I saluted her with thebottle. “Can I move in tonight?”
Stone Butch Blues49

Toni laughed. “Yeah, I guess so. If I’m not too
drunk to get the key in the door. Hey, Betty!”
Toni’s girlfriend came out of the bathroom andstood beside her. “Hey, Betty, meet Dondi. This kid’s
DQRUSKDQ3DUHQWVGLHGLQDÁDPLQJFDUZUHFN\RX
know?” Toni laughed and took a swig of beer.
Betty pulled away from Toni. “That’s not funny.”
I intervened. “Toni said you got a place I could
stay. I really need a place to sleep, I mean real bad.”
Betty looked at Toni, shrugged, and walked away.
“It’s OK with her,” Toni said. “I’m going back to
VLWZLWK%HWW\,·OOÀQG\RXEHIRUHZHOHDYHµ,ÀQLVKHGP\EHHUDQGSXWP\KHDGGRZQRQWKH
bar. The room was spinning and I wanted to sleep sobadly. Meg rapped her knuckles on the bar near myhead. “You drunk or something?”“No, I’m just working round the clock,” I told
her. I didn’t think she liked me. Then she brought meanother beer.
“I didn’t order one.”´,W·VRQWKHKRXVHµVKHVDLG*RÀJXUHAs the crowd started thinning out I found an
empty chair near the noisy backroom, leaned my headagainst the wall, and fell asleep. When I awoke, Betty
was tugging on my sleeve, telling me it was time togo home. Toni sang “Roll Me Over in the Clover” as
50

Leslie Feinberg

Betty tried to get her into the car. I lay down on theback seat and immediately fell asleep again.
“C’mon, wake up,” Betty urged me. We werein their driveway. Betty struggled to prop Toni up
against the car. “Don’t give me two problems to deal
with,” Betty told me curtly. I got out of the car andhelped her get Toni upstairs.
“You can sleep on the couch tonight,” Betty
said.
“Who’s the kid?” Toni demanded to know.
“What’s this, your new butch?”“You invited the kid to live in the garage
apartment, remember?” Betty snapped.
I curled up on the couch and tried to disappear.
After a while Betty came out and threw a blanket overme.
“If I could just get some sleep tonight, I’ll beout of here,” I told her.
“It’s OK,” she said wearily. “Don’t worry, it’ll be
alright.” I clung to that little bit of reassurance.
Lying there in the dark I started realizing I wason my own: no more school, no more parents—
unless they came after me. I gagged on shame as I
UHFDOOHGZKDWKDSSHQHGWRPHRQWKHIRRWEDOOÀHOG,
was afraid I was going to throw up and I hadn’t asked
where their bathroom was. I wished this was Al and-DFNLH·VFRXFK,ZDQWHGWRZDNHXSLQWKHLUKRPH
7KHQ,FRXOGWHOO-DFTXHOLQHZKDWKDGKDSSHQHG
WRPHRQWKHIRRWEDOOÀHOG:RXOG,KDYHWROGKHU",
UHDOL]HG,PLJKWQRWKDYHWROG-DFNLHRU$OZKDWWKH
boys did to me. I felt too ashamed.
I made a vow to myself before I fell asleep. I
promised myself I would never wear a dress again,
and I’d never let anyone rape me ever again, no matter
what.
As it turned out, I could only keep one of thosepromises.

Stone Butch Blues

51

05“HEY KID, WHAT’S UP?” Meg called out as she
wiped down the bar. Familiar faces softened as they
welcomed me. I had become a regular at Abba’s.
“Hey, Meg. Gimme a beer, will ya?”
“Sure, kid, coming right up.”
I sat down next to Edwina. “Hey, Ed, can I buy
you a beer?”“Yeah,” she laughed, “why would I say no?”It was a Friday night. I had money in my pocket
DQG,ZDVIHHOLQJÀQH´+H\ZKDWDERXWPH"µ%XWFK-DQODXJKHG
“And a beer for my elder, Meg.”´+H\ZDWFKWKDWHOGHUVKLWµ-DQVDLG,IHOWDKDQGRQP\VKRXOGHU-XGJLQJIURPWKH
length of the red-painted nails, it had to be Peaches.
“Hi, honey,” she kissed me gently on the ear.
I sighed with pleasure. “And a drink for
Peaches,” I called out to Meg.

“Child, you’re in one damn good mood tonight,”
Peaches said. “You get lucky with some girl orsomething?”
I blushed. She had hit a sore spot. “I just feel sodamn good. I got a job and a motorcycle and friends.”
Ed whistled. “You got a bike?”“Yes,” I shouted, “yes, yes! Toni sold me her
old Norton. We went out to the supermarket parking
lot Sunday, and I practiced till she got mad and went
home without me.”Ed smiled. “Wow. Big bike.” She slapped myopen palm.
´-HVXV(G\RXNQRZZKDW,GLGDIWHU,
registered it downtown yesterday? I mean when I
actually realized it was mine? I got on that bike and I
rode it two hundred miles out and two hundred miles
back.”

Everyone roared. I nodded. “Something
KDSSHQHGWRPH,ÀQDOO\IHOWUHDOO\IUHH,·PVR
excited. I love that bike. I mean, I actually love it. I
love that bike so fucking much I can’t even explainit.” All the butches who rode motorcycles nodded
WRWKHPVHOYHV-DQDQG(GZLQFODSSHGPHRQP\shoulders.
“Things are lookin’ up for you, kid. I’m happy
IRU\RXµ-DQVDLG´0HJVHWXSDQRWKHURQHIRU\RXQJ
Marlon Brando here.”
The ring must be working! “‘The Avengers’ onyet?” I asked.
Meg shook her head. “Fifteen more minutes.
God, I can’t wait to see what Diana Rigg’s wearing
this time.”
I sighed. “I hope it’s that leather jumpsuit again.
I think I’m falling in love with her.”
Meg laughed. “Get in line.”
7KHSODFHZDVVWDUWLQJWRÀOOXS$\RXQJJX\we’d never seen before came in and ordered a gin andtonic. Meg had just placed the glass in front of him
ZKHQDQROGHUJX\FDPHLQDQGÁLSSHGRSHQDEDGJH
Uniformed cops rushed in behind him. The young
guy was a plant.
“You’ve just served a minor. Alright ladies,
gentlemen, leave your drinks on the bar and take outsome ID, this is a bust.”-DQDQG(GZLQHDFKJUDEEHGDKDQGIXORI P\shirt and dragged me out the back door. “Out ofhere, now, get out of here,” they were yelling as I
fumbled with my motorcycle. A couple of cops
fanned out around the parking lot. My legs felt likejelly. I couldn’t kick-start the bike.
“Get the fuck out of here,” they shouted at me.
Two uniformed cops headed toward me. One
reached for his gun. “Off that bike,” he ordered.
“C’mon, c’mon,” I crooned to myself.
One good kick and the bike roared to life. I
popped the clutch and did an unintentional wheelie
out of the parking lot. As soon as I got to Toni andBetty’s house I banged on their kitchen door. Betty
looked alarmed. “What’s wrong?”“The bar, everybody, they’re busted.”“Calm down,” Toni put her hand on myshoulder. “Calm down and tell us what happened.” I
VSXWWHUHGDV,GHVFULEHGWKHEXVW´+RZFDQZHÀQG
out what happened to everybody?” I asked them.
´:H·OOÀQGRXWVRRQHQRXJKZKHQWKDWSKRQH
rings,” Betty said. The phone rang. Betty listened
quietly. “Nobody got busted except Meg,” she told us.
´%XWFK-DQDQG(GJRWURXJKHGXSDOLWWOHµ
I rubbed my forehead with my hand. “Are theyhurt bad?” She shrugged. I felt guilty. “I think they
Stone Butch Blues

53

got it worse because they got me out of there.”
Betty leaned on the kitchen table and held herhead in both hands. Toni went to the refrigerator.
“Want a beer, kid?”“Naw, thanks,” I told Toni.
“Suit yourself.”
Fear nagged at me as I fell asleep that evening.
But the real terror didn’t surface until I woke up in the
middle of the night. I sat bolt upright, soaking wet,remembering the bust at Tifka’s. I had grown an inchor two since then. The next time the police got theirhands on me, my age wouldn’t save me. Fear boiled in
the back of my throat. It was going to happen to me.
I knew that. But I couldn’t change the way I was. It
felt like driving toward the edge of a cliff and seeing
what’s coming but not being able to brake.
,ZLVKHG$OZDVDURXQG,ZLVKHG-DFTXHOLQH
would tuck me in on their couch, kiss my forehead,
and tell me everything would be alright.
ŶŶŶThe owner of Abba’s had been so deeply in debt acouple of years ago that he had to hand carry beer inby the case—the Mob wouldn’t allow deliveries until
he paid up. So he put out the word that the bar was
54

Leslie Feinberg

JRLQJJD\+HPDGHPRQH\KDQGRYHUÀVWRII XV:H
were a lucrative and captive market. Usually only one
club was open to us at a time. Other owners wanted
our business for a while. But Abba’s owner got
greedy, so the Mob had him busted and shut down.
The new bar was closer to the Tenderloin strip
in downtown Buffalo. It was called the Malibou—a
jazz bar that would welcome us after the 1:00 A.M.
show ended. Organized crime owned the Malibou,
WRR%XWDOHVELDQUDQLW:HÀJXUHGWKDWZRXOGPDNHD
difference. Her name was Gert. She wanted us to callher Aunt Gertie, but it made us feel like a Girl Scout
troop—so we called her Cookie.
7KHQHZFOXEKDGDELJJHUGDQFHÁRRUEXWLW
only had one exit. It did have a pool table, though,and Edwin and I played for hours till the sun cameup.
Ed waited for her girlfriend, Darlene, until dawn.
Darlene danced nearby at a bar on Chippewa Street.
-XVWGRZQWKHEORFNIURPWKH0DOLERXZDVDKRWHO
where a lot of the pros—female and male—used totake their tricks. At dawn all the working girls got off
WKHLUVKLIWDQGÀOOHGWKH0DOLERXZKLFKQHYHUVHHPHG
to close, or went to a restaurant near the bus station
for breakfast.
I began to notice sometimes Ed didn’t come inon weekends. What else was there in life besides theplants and the bars?
“Hey, Ed,” I asked her one morning. “Where
were you last weekend?”
She looked up from the pool shot she was lining
up. “At a different club.”
Her answer surprised me. There was only one
club open at a time, as far as I knew.
“Yeah?” I asked her. “Where?”“On the East Side,” she said, chalking up.
“You mean it’s a Negro club?”“Black,” she said as she whacked a high ball andsunk it. “It’s a Black club.”I took in all of this new information as Ed lined
up her next shot. “Shit,” she said as she missed it.
“Is it different from this club?” I asked as I
surveyed the table.
“Yes and no.” Ed wasn’t giving up much thismorning.
I shrugged and indicated the far corner. I missed
the shot. Ed smiled and patted me on the back. I had
a lot of questions, but I didn’t know how to ask.
Edwin sunk the eight ball by mistake. “Shit,” shehissed, “shit.” She looked me up and down. “What?”she demanded. I shrugged.
“Look,” she said. “I work all day with these oldbulls at the plant. I like coming in here and spending
some time with y’all. But I like being with my own
people too, you understand? Besides, Darlene and I
wouldn’t last a month if I hung out on the East Side.”
I shook my head. I didn’t understand.
“Darlene doesn’t worry about me being here. If
I spent this much time at my own clubs, well, let’s justsay there’d be too much temptation.”“You hungry?” I asked her.
“Naw, man, I’m just human.” She sounded
defensive.
I laughed. “No, I mean you wanna get somebreakfast?”
She slapped me on the shoulder. “Let’s go.”We met Darlene and the other girls at therestaurant. They were all excited, something about aÀJKWZLWKDFXVWRPHUWKDWDOOWKHJLUOVMXPSHGLQWR
“Hey, Ed,” I asked her over coffee as Darlene
reenacted her role in the brawl, “you think I could gowith you some time? I mean, I don’t know if it’s OK
to ask or not.”Ed looked taken aback. “Why? Why do you want
to go to my club?”“I don’t know, Ed. You’re my friend, you know?”
She shrugged. “So?”“So this morning I realized how much of you I
Stone Butch Blues55

don’t know, that’s all. I guess I’d like to meet you on
your own turf.”
Darlene tugged on Ed’s sleeve, “Baby, you
should have been there. We kicked this guy’s ass all
the way to kingdom come! He was beggin’ us formercy.”“I’ve got to think about it. I don’t know,” Edsaid.
´)DLUHQRXJK-XVWDVNLQJµŶŶŶEd stopped coming to the Malibou soon afterward. I
asked Grant what was up, but all she said was that Ed“had a chip on her shoulder” ever since Malcom X
was killed in New York City. I wanted to call Ed andtalk to her, but Meg told me not to. She told me thebutches at the auto plant said Ed was real angry and it
was best to just leave her alone. That didn’t feel rightto me, but the advice had come down from the oldbulls, so I listened.
,WZDVVSULQJWLPHZKHQ,ÀQDOO\UDQLQWR(GDW
the diner. I was so happy to see her I reached out myarms to hug her. She eyed me guardedly, as though
H[DPLQLQJPHIRUWKHÀUVWWLPH,IHDUHGVKHZRXOGQ·W
like what she saw. After a moment she opened herarms to me. Hugging her felt like coming home.
56

Leslie Feinberg

Ed started coming back to the Malibou. Out of
the blue one morning she said, “I thought about it.”
Funny how I knew exactly what she meant—about me going to the club with her. “I didn’t know
how I’d feel about taking you, you know? But next
Saturday night is an anniversary party for two women.
One of them is white. I don’t know, I thought if you
wanted to go …”
I did. We decided to take Ed’s car.
On Saturday night Ed picked me up late. We
rode in silence.
“You nervous?” she asked me.
I nodded. She snorted and shook her head.
“Maybe this was a mistake.”“No,” I told her. “Not for the reasons you think.
I’m always scared before I go to a new club, any club.
You ever feel that way?”“No,” Edwin said, “Well, yes, maybe. I don’t
know.”“You nervous, Ed? About going to the club witha white butch, I mean.”“Yeah, maybe a little,” she said as she checked
the rearview mirror. Ed stopped at a red light andoffered me a cigarette. “I like you though, you know.”
I looked out the car window and smiled. “I like
you too, Ed. A lot.”I realized I’d hung out on the edges of the Black
community with friends after school, but I’d neverbeen deep in the heart of the East Side. “Buffalo is
like two cities,” I said. “I’ll bet a lot of white people
have never even been to this city.”
Ed laughed bitterly and nodded. “Segregationis alive and well in Buffalo. That’s it,” Ed added,
pointing to a building.
“Where?”“You’ll see.” Ed parked the car on a nearby sidestreet.
We approached the door. Ed knocked hard. An
eye appeared at the peephole. As the door opened,ZDYHVRI ORXGPXVLFÁRZHGRYHUXV7KHMRLQWZDV
packed wall-to-wall. A lot of butches immediately
came over to welcome Ed and shook her hand or
hugged her shoulders. She gestured toward me andshouted something in their ears, but it was too loudto hear much. Several women beckoned us to share
their table and each shook my hand as I sat down. Ed
ordered us beers and sat down next to me.
“Daisy’s already got her eye on you,” Ed yelled
in my ear. “The woman sitting directly across the
GDQFHÁRRUIURPXVLQWKHEOXHGUHVV6KH·VFKHFNLQJyou out.”
I smiled at Daisy. She dropped her eyes and thenboldly met mine. After a few minutes she whisperedsomething to her girlfriend and stood up. She was
wearing blue spike heels that matched her dress. Witha steady step, she made her way directly to our table.
“Lord have mercy on your soul, girl,” Edshouted at me as I rose to meet Daisy. Daisy put
RXWKHUKDQGDQGWXJJHGPHWRZDUGWKHGDQFHÁRRU
Edwin grabbed my other hand and pulled me downnear her ear. “Are you still uptight?” she yelled.
“I’m adjusting,” I shouted back over myshoulder.
ŶŶŶ“I don’t believe you back there,” Ed said to me hours
later as we left the club. “I’m adjusting,” she mimicked
me with a laugh and punched my shoulder. “Girl,
you’re just lucky that Daisy’s ex wasn’t there. She
would have kicked your mutherfuckin’ white ass.”
She was interrupted by a hand on her shoulderthat spun her around. I was pushed hard from behind.
When I turned I caught a glimpse of a cop car withboth doors open. Two cops were pushing us with
their nightsticks. “Up against the wall, girls.” They
pushed us into an alley. Ed put her hand on the backof my shoulder as reassurance.
Stone Butch Blues

57

“Keep your hands to yourself, bulldagger,” one
cop yelled as he slammed her against the wall.
Even as I was shoved against the brick wall
I could still feel the comfort of her hand as it hadEULHÁ\WRXFKHGP\VKRXOGHU
“Spread your legs, girls. Wider.” One of the cops
grabbed a handful of my hair and jerked my headbackward as he kicked my legs apart with his boot. He
took my wallet out of my back pocket and opened it.
I looked over at Ed. The cop was patting her
down and running his hands up her thighs. He pulled
her wallet out of her pocket, took out the money, andstuffed it in his own pocket.
“Eyes straight ahead,” the cop behind me had
his mouth close to my ear.
The other cop began shouting at Ed. “You think
you’re a guy, huh? You think you can take it like a guy?
We’ll see. What’s these?” he said. He yanked up her
shirt and pulled her binder down around her waist.
He grabbed her breasts so hard she gasped.
“Leave her alone,” I yelled.
“Shut up, you fuckin’ pervert,” the cop behindme shouted and bashed my face against the wall. I
saw a kaleidoscope of colors.
Ed and I spun around and looked at each otherfor a split second. Funny, it seemed as though we
58

Leslie Feinberg

had plenty of time to consult. There are times, theold bulls told me, when it’s best to take your beatingand hope the cops will leave you on the ground whenthey’re done with you. Other times your life may be in
GDQJHURU\RXUVDQLW\DQGLW·VZRUWKLWWRWU\WRÀJKWback. It’s a tough call.
In the blink of an eye, Ed and I decided toÀJKW:HHDFKSXQFKHGDQGNLFNHGWKHQHDUHVWFRSFor just a moment things started looking up for us. I
kicked the cop in front of me in the shins over andover again. Ed got the other cop in the groin and was
KLWWLQJKLPRQWKHKHDGZLWKERWKKHUÀVWV
As one cop lunged at me, the point of hisnightstick caught me squarely in the solar plexus. I
crashed against the wall, unable to breathe. Then I
heard a sickening thud as a nightstick connected with
Ed’s skull. I vomited. The cops beat us until I foundmyself wondering through the pain why they weren’t
exhausted from the effort. Suddenly we heard voices
shouting nearby.
“C’mon,” one cop said to the other.
Ed and I were on the ground. I could see theboot of the cop standing over me pull back. “Youfuckin’ traitor,” he spat, as his boot cracked my rib for
punctuation.
The next thing I remember was a light glowing

in the sky beyond the alley. The pavement felt coldand hard against my cheek. Ed was lying next to me,
KHUIDFHWXUQHGDZD\,VWUHWFKHGRXWP\ÀQJHUVWR
touch her, but I couldn’t reach. My hand rested in thepool of blood around her head.
“Ed,” I whispered, “Ed, please wake up. Oh god,please don’t be dead.”“What,” she moaned.
“We got to get out of here, Ed.”
“OK,” she said, “you pull the car up.”“Don’t make me laugh,” I told her. “I can hardly
breathe.” I passed out again.
Darlene told us later that a family on their way
to church found us. They got some people to help
get us to their home nearby. They didn’t take us tothe hospital because they didn’t know if we were introuble with the law or not. When Edwin came to,she gave them Darlene’s number. Darlene and herfriends came and got us. Darlene took care of bothof us at their apartment for a week before Ed or I
were really coherent.
´:KHUH·V(GLVVKH2."µZDVWKHÀUVWWKLQJ,
remember asking Darlene.
´7KDW·VWKHÀUVWWKLQJVKHDVNHGPH³KRZ\RX
were,” Darlene answered. “Alive. You’re both alive,
you stupid motherfuckers.”

Neither of us ever saw an emergency room
doctor for fear they’d call the cops to see if we werein any trouble. When Ed and I could sit up and evenwalk a little, we began recuperating in the living room
together during the days while Darlene slept. The
couch opened up as a bed.
Ed gave me The Ballot and the Bullet by Malcolm
X. She encouraged me to read W.E.B. Du Bois and-DPHV%DOGZLQ%XWZHHDFKKDGDKHDGDFKHVREDG
we could hardly read the newspaper. All day long we
lay next to each other and watched television: “Get
Smart,” “The Beverly Hillbillies,” “Green Acres.” We
healed in spite of it.
Ed got disability pay during her absence. I lost
my job as a printer.
:KHQ(GDQG,ÀQDOO\VKRZHGXSDWWKH0DOLERX
a month later, someone pulled the plug on thejukebox and everyone rushed up to hug us. “No, wait,
gently,” we shouted, both backing up toward the door.
“Notice the resemblance?” I asked, as Ed and I put
our faces near each other. We had matching gashes
over our right eyebrows.
6SHDNLQJIRUP\VHOI,ORVWDORWRI FRQÀGHQFH
after that beating. The pain in my rib cage reminded
me with every breath how vulnerable I really was.
I propped myself up at a back table and watched
Stone Butch Blues

59

all my friends dancing together. It felt good to beback home. Peaches sat down next to me, draped her
arm around my shoulders, and planted a long sweet
kiss on my cheek.
Cookie offered me a job as a bouncer on theweekends. I held my ribs and winced.
She said I could wait on tables until I healed, if I
wanted to. I sure needed the money.
,ZDWFKHG-XVWLQHDVWXQQLQJGUDJTXHHQJRLQJ
from table to table with an empty Maxwell House
coffee can, collecting money.
She came over to the table where Peaches andI were sitting and began counting out the bills. “You
don’t have to contribute, darlin’.”“What’s it for?” I asked.
“For your new suit,” she answered, andcontinued counting the bills.
“Whose new suit?”“Your new suit, honey. You can’t expect to be
the Master of Ceremonies of the Monte Carlo Night'UDJ6KRZ([WUDYDJDQ]DLQWKDWWDFN\ROGRXWÀWGR
you?” I looked bewildered.
“We’re taking you out and buying you a newsuit,” Peaches explained. “You’re going to emcee thedrag show next month.”´7KDW·VZKDW,MXVWWROG\RXµ-XVWLQHVRXQGHG
annoyed.
60

Leslie Feinberg“I don’t know how to be an emcee.”´'RQ·WZRUU\GDUOLQ·µ-XVWLQHODXJKHG´\RX·UH
not the star.”
Peaches threw her head back. “We are!”´%XW\RXDUHJRLQJWRORRNGLYLQHµ-XVWLQHVDLG
waving a wad of bills.
ŶŶŶ

I had heard horror stories about butches and theirfemmes trying to shop for a suit at Kleinhan’sclothing store. But this time Kleinhan’s was in forsome discomfort as three powerful queens in full draghelped me pick it out.
´1Rµ-XVWLQHVKRRNKHUKHDGHPSKDWLFDOO\“She’s an emcee, not a fucking undertaker.”“Earth tones,” Georgetta turned my face in her
hands, “because of her coloring.”“No, no, no,” Peaches said, “this is it.” She held
up a dark blue gabardine suit.
´<HVµ-XVWLQHVLJKHGDV,FDPHRXWRI WKH
dressing room. “Yes!”“Ooh, honey, I just might swing for you,”
Georgetta exclaimed.
Peaches fussed with my lapels. “Yes, yes, yes.”“We’ll take it,” Georgetta told the salesman, wholooked visibly annoyed. “Tailor it for the child. And
make it look nice!”
The salesman pulled the tape measure fromaround his neck and tried to chalk the trousers andjacket without touching me. Finally he straightened
up. “You can pick it up in one week,” he announced.
“We can pick it up today,” Georgetta declared.
“We’ll just walk around the store trying things on tillit’s ready.”“No,” the salesman blurted. “Come back in two
KRXUV-XVWOHDYHQRZ-XVWOHDYHµ´:H·OOEHEDFNLQDQKRXUGDUOLQ·µ-XVWLQHVDLG
over her shoulder.
“See you.” Georgetta blew him a kiss.
“C’mon.” Peaches waved for me to follow. “It’sour turn.” They steered me toward the store next
door. We were headed for the lingerie department.
I shook my head. “I gotta use the bathroom.
God, I wish I could wait, but I can’t.”-XVWLQHWRXFKHGP\FKHHN´6RUU\GDUOLQ·µ
Peaches drew herself up to her full height.
“C’mon. We’ll all go in together with her.”“No,” I held up both hands. “I’m afraid we’ll
all get busted.” My bladder ached. I wished I hadn’t
waited so long. I took a deep breath and pushed open
the door to the women’s bathroom.

Two women were freshening their makeup in
front of the mirror. One glanced at the other andÀQLVKHGDSSO\LQJKHUOLSVWLFN´,VWKDWDPDQRUD
woman?” she said to her friend as I passed them.
The other woman turned to me. “This is thewomen’s bathroom,” she informed me.
I nodded. “I know.”
I locked the stall door behind me. Their laugher
cut me to the bone. “You don’t really know if that’s
a man or not,” one woman said to the other. “Weshould call security and make sure.”,ÁXVKHGWKHWRLOHWDQGIXPEOHGZLWKP\]LSSHU
in fear. Maybe it was just an idle threat. Maybe
they really would call security. I hurried out of thebathroom as soon as I heard both women leave.
´<RX2.GDUOLQ·"µ-XVWLQHDVNHG,QRGGHG6KH
smiled. “You took ten years off those girls’ lives.”
I forced myself to smile. “Naw. They neverwould have made fun of a guy like that. I was afraid
they might call the cops on me. They took ten years
off my life.”“C’mon.” Peaches impatiently tugged on mysleeve. “It’s high femme time.” She dragged me
toward the lingerie department.
“What do you think?” Georgetta held up a redsilk nightie.
Stone Butch Blues

61

“Black,” I told her. “That black lace one.”“Lord, this boy’s got taste,” she said.
Peaches sighed. “It’s funny, seeing you trying
on that suit, all excited and everything. I remember
my father making me buy a suit for Sunday service.
When I dreamed of dressing up, child, it wasn’t nosuit. I’ll tell you that much. I dreamt about something,
you know, tasteful—with spaghetti straps. Kinda low
FXWµVKHGUHZDÀQJHUDFURVVKHUERGLFH´,IHOWOLNHD
ballerina in a three-piece suit.”
Georgetta snorted. “More like a fairy.” Peaches
threw back her head and dragged me away.
We went back to Kleinhan’s an hour later. The
suit was ready.
“We have enough money left over to pick out ashirt and tie,” Georgetta announced.
-XVWLQHKHOGXSDSRZGHUEOXHGUHVVVKLUW,WZDV
more beautiful than any shirt my father ever owned.
The buttons were sky blue with white swirls, likeclouds. Peaches and Georgetta settled on a burgundysilk tie.
The salesmen held their heads in their hands as
though they all had headaches. Well, better them thanus.
“I can’t thank you all enough,” I told them.
“Yes, you can, honey. You best pick me as thewinner of that drag show.”
62

Leslie Feinberg“She can see I’m the fairest of them all.”“Oh, please child, don’t make me laugh.”I held up both my hands. “Wait,” I protested,“you never told me I was going to judge the dragshow.”´:HOOGDUOLQ·µ-XVWLQHVPLOHG´LW·VDPRQWKDZD\Don’t you worry your handsome little head about it.”ŶŶŶThe month passed quickly. I tried to avoid all thesquabbles between contestants over how the show
should be run. I arrived at the Malibou a little late
the night of the show. I took off my helmet and sat
on my Norton in the back parking lot, smoking acigarette.
“Child, where have you been?” Peaches
demanded as she rocked from side to side in her highheels on the gravel.
“I’m coming,” I shouted, grinding out mycigarette. “I’ll be right there.”
Everyone stopped and stared as I walked in thedoor. “You look good enough to eat,” Peaches said,smoothing my lapels.
Georgetta clasped her hands in front of her. “I
think I’m falling in love.”

“Yeah, she says that after every blow job,”-XVWLQHPXWWHUHG
Cookie went over the program with me. I
chewed at my thumbnail as she spoke. I’d spent mywhole life wishing I could be invisible. How was I
going to climb up on a stage, with a spotlight onme? When I got up on the runway it was dark in the
club. After the spotlight hit me, I could hardly see thecrowd.
“Sing something,” one of the butches shouted out.
“What do I look like, fucking Bert Parks?” Iyelled back. “OK,” I began to sing, “Here she comes,
Mis-cell-an-eous.”“Boo!”“Listen up now,” I pleaded, “this is serious.”“This ain’t serious, this is a drag show,” someone
yelled.
“Yeah,” I said. “This is serious.” I realized what I
wanted to say. “You know, all our lives they’ve told us
the way we are isn’t right.”
I heard some murmurs, “Yeah!”“Well, this is our home. We’re family.”
There was a ripple of applause from theaudience. “You’re goddamn right,” one of the dragqueens behind me shouted.
“So tonight we’re going to celebrate the way weare. It’s not only OK, it’s beautiful. And I want you

all to make our gorgeous sisters in this show feel how
much we love and respect them.” The crowd roared
LQDSSURYDO-XVWLQHDQG3HDFKHVUDQRXWDQGNLVVHG
me and then ran backstage to await their cues.
,ÁLSSHGWKURXJKWKHLQGH[FDUGV&RRNLHKDG
given me. “Will you please welcome tonight, Miss
Diana Ross, singing ‘Stop in the Name of Love.’” Themusic swelled, and I stepped aside.
Peaches’ dress shimmered as the spotlightilluminated her. What a breathtakingly beautiful
human being.
Stop in the name of loveVKHJUDEEHGDÀVWIXORI P\
tie as she sang, before you break my heart. Her lips wereclose to mine. I gasped, caught up in the power of her
performance.
The applause was thunderous.
“Get the kid a towel,” someone yelled as I wiped
my forehead with the back of my hand.
“Will you please welcome Miss Barbara Lewis,
singing ‘Hello Stranger.’”-XVWLQHZDONHGVWUDLJKWWRZDUGPH³VORZ
absolutely steady on her spike heels as the music rose.
Hello stranger, she draped one arm over my shoulder, it
seems like a mighty long time. I could get to like this.
The next performer was Georgetta’s boyfriend,
Booker. I’d never seen Booker try on drag before.
Stone Butch Blues

63

Even in a dress I still thought of Booker as he.
Booker was also doing “Stop in the Name of Love.”
Georgetta peeked out from behind the stage wall towatch. “Wouldn’t you just know it,” she whispered toPH´<RXWKLQN\RXPDUULHGDUHDOPDQDQG\RXÀQG
out you’ve got a sister who borrows your lipstick andwon’t return it.” I chuckled.
“Lord have mercy,” she said, “that girl’s introuble.” The strap on Booker’s dress slipped down
every time he lifted his arm to sing Stop! It could havebeen very sexy, but he was so nervous he kept trying
to hike up the strap.
“Help her,” Georgetta said to me.
I handed Georgetta the mike and walked out
on stage in front of Booker. I got down on one kneein front of him and pretended he was singing tome. Then I circled behind him and pulled down his
strap seductively. “Leave it,” I whispered, as I kissed
his shoulder. Booker pushed me away dramatically,
singing, Before you break my heart. The crowd roared
its approval. Everybody was really enjoying the way
Booker was pulling off this act.
1RQHRI XVVDZWKHUHGOLJKWÁDVKLQJ
The music died and everyone groaned. Then
WKHSROLFHÁRRGHGLQWRWKHFOXE,KHOGP\KDQGXSWRshield my eyes from the spotlight, but I still couldn’t
64Leslie Feinberg

see what was happening. I heard shouting and tables
and chairs overturning. I remembered there was only
one door—there was no escape this time. At sixteen
years old I was still underage.
I slowly took off my new blue suit coat, folded
it neatly, and put it on the piano at the back of thestage. For a moment I considered taking off my tie,
thinking somehow it might go easier for me if I did.
But, of course, it wouldn’t have. In fact, the tie mademe feel stronger in order to face whatever lay aheadof me. I rolled up my sleeves and stepped off thestage. A cop grabbed me and cuffed my hands tightly
behind my back. Another cop was smacking Booker,
who was sobbing.
The police van was backed right up to the doorof the club. The cops roughed us up as they shoved
us in. Some of the drag queens bantered nervouslyon the way to the precinct, making jokes to relieve thetension. I rode in silence.
We were all put together in one huge holding
cell. My cuffed hands felt swollen and cold fromlack of circulation. I waited in the cell. Two cops
opened the door. They were laughing and talking tothemselves. I wasn’t listening. “What do you want, afucking invitation? Now!” one of them commanded.
´&·PRQ-HVVHµDFRSWDXQWHGPH´OHW·VKDYHDpretty smile for the camera. You’re such a pretty girl.
Isn’t she pretty, guys?” They snapped my mug shot.
One of the cops loosened my tie. As he ripped open
my new dress shirt, the sky blue buttons bounced
DQGUROOHGDFURVVWKHÁRRU+HSXOOHGXSP\7VKLUW
exposing my breasts. My hands were cuffed behind
P\EDFN,ZDVÁDWXSDJDLQVWDZDOO
“I don’t think she likes you, Gary,” another cop
said. “Maybe she’d like me better.” He crossed theroom. My knees were wobbling. Lt. Mulroney, that’s
what his badge read. He saw me looking at it andslapped me hard across the face. His hand clampedon my face like a vise. “Suck my cock,” he said quietly.
There wasn’t a sound in the room. I didn’t move.
No one said anything. I almost got the feeling it could
stay that way, all action frozen, but it didn’t. Mulroney
ZDVÀQJHULQJKLVFURWFK´6XFNP\FRFNEXOOGDJJHUµ
Someone hit the side of my knee with a nightstick.
My knees buckled more from fear than pain.
Mulroney grabbed me by the collar and dragged me
several feet away to a steel toilet. There was a piece
RI XQÁXVKHGVKLWÁRDWLQJLQWKHZDWHU´(LWKHUHDWPH
or eat my shit, bulldagger. It’s up to you.” I was too
frightened to think or move.
,KHOGP\EUHDWKWKHÀUVWWLPHKHVKRYHGP\head in the toilet. The second time he held me underso long I sucked in water and felt the hard shape ofthe shit against my tongue. When Mulroney pulled myhead back out of the toilet I spewed vomit all overhim. I gagged and retched over and over again.
“Aw shit, fuck, get her out of here,” the cops
yelled to each other as I lay heaving.
“No,” Mulroney said, “handcuff her over there,
on top of the desk.”
They lifted me and threw me on my back acrossthe desk and handcuffed my hands over my head. As
one cop pulled off my trousers I tried to calm thespasms in my stomach so I wouldn’t choke to deathon my own vomit.
“Aw, ain’t that cute, BVDs,” one cop called out
to another. “Fuckin’ pervert.”
I looked at the light on the ceiling, a large
yellow bulb burning behind a metal mesh. The lightreminded me of the endless stream of television
Westerns I saw after we moved up north. Wheneveranyone was lost in the desert the only image shown
was a glaring sun—all the beauty of the desert
reduced to that one impression. Staring at thatjail light bulb rescued me from watching my own
degradation: I just went away.
I found myself standing in the desert. The sky
was streaked with color. Every shift of light cast a
Stone Butch Blues65

different hue across the wilderness: salmon, rose,lavender. The scent of sage was overpowering. Even
before I saw the golden eagle gliding in the updraft
above me, I heard it scream, as clearly as if it had
FRPHIURPP\RZQWKURDW,ORQJHGWRVRDULQÁLJKW
with the eagle, but I felt rooted to the earth. The
mountains rose to meet me. I walked toward them,seeking sanctuary, but something held me back.
“Fuck it,” Mulroney spat. “Turn her over, hercunt’s too fuckin’ loose.”´-HH]/LHXWHQDQWKRZFRPHWKHVHIXFNLQ·
bulldaggers don’t fuck men and they got such big
cunts?”“Ask your wife,” Mulroney said. The other cops
laughed.
I panicked. I tried to return to the desert but,FRXOGQ·WÀQGWKDWÁRDWLQJRSHQLQJEHWZHHQWKH
dimensions I’d passed through before. An explosionof pain in my body catapulted me back.
,ZDVVWDQGLQJRQWKHGHVHUWÁRRUDJDLQ
but this time the sands had cooled. The sky was
overcast, threatening to storm. The air pressure was
unbearable. It was hard to breathe. From a distance I
heard the eagle scream again. The sky was growing as
dark as the mountains. Wind blew through my hair.

66

Leslie Feinberg

I closed my eyes and turned my face up to the
GHVHUWVN\$QGWKHQÀQDOO\LWUHOHDVHG³WKHZHOFRPH
relief of warm rain down my cheeks.

06
THE RING WAS GONE. The only tangible proof
it had ever existed were the blood blisters on my ringÀQJHUWKHFRSVPXVWKDYHSULHGLWRII ZKLOHP\KDQGV
were cuffed and swollen. The ring was gone. I sat in
my apartment and stared out the window. I couldn’ttell how long I’d been awake.
-XVWLQHDQG3HDFKHVKDGEDLOHGPHRXW,UHFDOOHGWKH\WROGPHWKHUHZHUHQRFKDUJHVÀOHGDJDLQVWDQ\
RI XV-XVWLQHZDQWHGWRFRPHXSVWDLUVZLWKPHZKHQI got home, but I was adamant: I wanted to be alone.
7KHÀUVWWKLQJ,GLGZDVWDNHDEDWK,SXWP\head back and tried to luxuriate in the tub. Then I
noticed the water turning deeper shades of pink anda current of red water between my legs. I instantly
recalled the feel of the hard piece of shit against my
tongue and I climbed out of the bathtub in panic, justmaking it to the toilet in time.

Now I was tranquil. I didn’t feel much ofanything at all. But even through this blessed serenity
I grieved for the ring that would have protected me,
or at least offered me its wisdom. The ring was gone.
There was nothing to hope for now. The ring wasgone.
Betty knocked on the door and let herself in.
She noticed the plate of fried chicken she’d broughtme last night was untouched. The chicken looked
like human limbs, and I couldn’t bring myself to bite
LQWRÁHVK7KHWKRXJKWKDGVHQWPHÁ\LQJLQWRWKH
bathroom, retching.
“I brought you some apple pie,” Betty said. She
had bright yellow calico in her hands. “I thought I’dmake some curtains for this window, if that’s OK?”
I’d lived without curtains since I’d moved in morethan six months ago. I nodded. Betty began to sew.

From time to time she glanced up at me. I knew she
had probably been sewing in my room for several
hours when she stood to iron the curtains, but it
seemed like seconds.
The curtains were really pretty, but my facewouldn’t move, even to smile. Betty came over and sat
down near me. “You should eat something,” she said.
I looked up to acknowledge I’d heard her. She moved
toward the door to leave and then stopped.
“I know,” she said. “You don’t think anyone
knows. You can’t believe anyone would understand.
But I do know.” I shook my head slowly—she didn’t
know.
Betty knelt down in front of me. As we made eye
contact I felt a sudden jolt of emotional electricity. I
saw everything I was feeling in Betty’s eyes, as though,ZHUHORRNLQJDWP\RZQUHÁHFWLRQ,ORRNHGDZD\in horror. Betty nodded and squeezed my knee.
“I do know,” she said, getting up to leave. “I dounderstand.”I didn’t move from the couch. Darkness settled
over the room. There was another knock at the door.
I wished everyone would go away and leave me alone.
Peaches came in, dressed to kill. “My date was adud,” she said, and went into the kitchen. A moment
later she brought out two pints of vanilla ice cream
68

Leslie Feinbergwith a spoon sticking out of each. She sat down next
to me on the couch and offered me one. The ice
cream tasted so sweet and cool going down my throat
it made my eyes sting with tears.
Peaches stroked my hair. I was thinking about
how the world looks when it’s buried in deep snow
drifts—every twig and telephone line outlined with
inches of snow, sparkling in the moonlight. Silent
DQGVWLOO0XIÁHG7KDW·VKRZWKHZRUOGVHHPHGWR
me now. I wished I could tell Peaches or Betty how
peaceful I felt, but I couldn’t speak.
“You’re afraid to sleep, aren’t you child?”
Peaches’ voice was so soft. “But Miss Peaches ishere with you now. You gonna sleep safe in her arms
tonight. I won’t let anything hurt you.”
She disappeared into the bedroom. A moment
later she came out and led me to my bed. She’dchanged the sheets; they were fresh and clean. She
put me down like a child and lay next to me. I could
taste vomit rise in my throat, but she gently pulled me
to her body. My lips found the curve of her breast.
“That’s hormones made them swell up like that, butthey’re mine now.” She kissed my hair.
She sang a song in a voice so satiny smooth that
I trusted the sound and followed it right into sleep.

ŶŶŶ

Edwin brought over my blue suit coat. She found thematching trousers in a pile by my bathroom door andtook them both to the dry cleaners for me.
When I didn’t show up at the Malibou thenext Friday, Ed and Georgetta and Peaches came by
and picked me up. Cookie threw me a towel when
I arrived and told me to start waiting on tables. I
moved in numbness for several weeks, unable to feelthe sensation of temperature, hot or cold. The world
seemed distant.
One night at work a guy beckoned me over to
his table and told me to take the french fries backto the kitchen. He said they were cold. I took themto Cookie, but she said she was too busy. I brought
the french fries back to the guy and apologized. He
picked up a class of water and poured its contents allover the french fries. “They’re cold,” he said.
He opened a traveling case, pulled out a hugesnake, and coiled it around his neck. And then he bit
off a chunk of the water glass and chewed it. “Thefrench fries are cold,” he repeated.
“Cookie,” I yelled as I skidded into the kitchen.
“Give me some hot french fries, and I mean now!”
She started to protest. “Now, goddamn it. I wantthem now!”

The guy left me a great tip.
“You didn’t know who that guy was?” Booker
doubled over laughing. Everyone chuckled. “That was
Razor Man. He performs at a club near here.”I threw down my towel. “This job is fucked up,”
I protested, but even I started to smile.
“What’s so funny?” Toni said behind me. I
turned around to explain but her face was all twisted
up in anger. “I said, what’s so goddamn funny?” shedemanded.
One of the butches tried to pull her back,“Come on, Toni, blow it off.” She yanked free andstaggered toward me. “You think you’re funny?”´:KDWWKHKHOO7RQLµ,VDLGÁXVWHUHG
A group of pros came in the door and I started
to walk over to say hello, but Toni spun me around.
“You think I don’t know what’s going on with you
and my femme?”
Everyone sucked in their breath. I felt stunned.
“Toni, what the hell are you talking about?”“You think I don’t know, don’t you?”
Betty started toward Toni, but Angie, one of the pros
who had just walked in, held her back.
“Step outside, you chickenshit bastard.” Toni
VSDWRQWKHÁRRU,VXUHDVKHOOGLGQ·WZDQWWRÀJKW7RQLVR,ZHQW
Stone Butch Blues

69

outside to talk to her. Everyone followed me out tolisten. “Toni,” I appealed to her.
´6KXWXSDQGÀJKW\RXIXFNLQ·EDVWDUG&RPH
on, you chickenshit son-of-a-bitch.”“Look, Toni,” I said, “if you want to hit me, you
go ahead. If it’ll make you feel better, I won’t stopyou. But why would I want to hit you? You helped meout when I needed it. You know damn well I’d neverdisrespect you or Betty.”
I caught Betty’s eye and she looked at me
apologetically. “Don’t you be looking at my femme,
you motherfucker!” Toni sputtered.
“Toni, I’m telling you I wouldn’t do anything,
ever, to disrespect you.”“Get out of my fucking house,” she yelled at me.
She was reeling. “Get out!”
Angie was behind me. “C’mon, baby.” Shetugged on my arm. “It’s only gonna get worse out
here. C’mon,” she said, pulling me back into the bar.
Grant and Edwin offered to help me pack up
my stuff and bring it back. “Hell,” I told them, “I still
only need a couple of pillowcases for all my stuff. I
can bring it back on the bike.”
When I got back to the club with my things, I
found a stool at the end of the bar and nursed a beer.
Angie sat down next to me. “You got a place to stay70

Leslie Feinberg

tonight?” She stubbed out her cigarette. I shook myhead. “Look,” she patted my arm. “I’m tired, I want
to go home and to bed—to sleep. You need a place
WRVDFNRXWIRUWKHQLJKWÀQH-XVWGRQ·WJHWDQ\IXQQ\ideas.”“You been turning tricks all night?” I asked her.
Angie eyed me distrustfully. “Yeah.”“Then why on earth would I think you weredying for someone to take you home and fuck you?”
Angie tossed back her whiskey and laughed.
“C’mon, baby, I’ll buy you breakfast for that one.”ŶŶŶ“Tell me the truth,” Angie said as she buttered her
WRDVW´1REXOOVKLW+RZFRPH\RXGLGQ·WÀJKWKHU"
Was it really ’cause she’s your friend or were youscared?”I shook my head. “She’s not like my best friendor anything, but she helped me out a lot. I don’t wantto hit her, that’s all. She was drunk.”
Angie smirked at me. “So were you fuckin’around with Betty?”
I shook my head. “I don’t play that game.”
She watched my face as she poked her eggs witha fork. “How old are you, baby?”

“How old were you when you were my age?” I
felt annoyed.
She leaned back against the booth. “I guess thestreets made us old before our time, huh, kid?”“I’m not a kid.” My voice sounded hard.
“I’m sorry.” She sounded like she meant it.
“You’re right, you aren’t a kid.”
I yawned and rubbed my eyes. She laughed. “AmI keeping you up?”
Angie glanced over at an older pro who was
paying her check at the register. “You know,” she toldme, “When I was a little girl I remember being in a
restaurant with my mother and stepfather and I saw awoman who looked something like her.”“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said.
Angie looked at me and cocked her head. “Youlike tough women, don’t you, butch?” I smiled andstabbed my eggs with my fork.
“I remember,” Angie continued, “my stepfather
VDLG¶'LUW\ÀOWK\ZKRUH·ULJKWRXWORXGDVWKHZRPDQ
paid her bill. Everyone in the restaurant heard him
say it. But that woman just paid her bill and took atoothpick and walked out real slow, like she neverheard him at all. That’s gonna be me when I grow up, I
thought.”
I nodded. “That’s like the time I was about

fourteen and I saw this he-she.” Angie rested her chinon the heel of her hand as she listened. “I’d forgotten
about this. My parents dragged me along while they
shopped. You know how crowded and loud the storesare before Christmas? All of a sudden, everything
got real quiet. The cash registers stopped ringing andnobody moved. Everybody was staring at the jewelry
department. There’s this couple—a he-she and afemme. All they were doing was looking at rings, you
know?” Angie sat back and exhaled slowly. “Everyone
was glaring at them. The pressure just popped those
two women out the door like corks. I wanted to run
out after them and beg them to take me with them.
And all the while I was thinking, Oh shit, that’s gonna beme.”Angie shook her head. “It’s tough when you see
it coming, ain’t it?”
“Yeah,” I said, “it’s like driving on a single-lane
highway and seeing an eighteen-wheeler heading rightfor you.”
She winced. “C’mon,” she told me, “I got to getsome sleep.”Angie’s apartment was more like a home thanmine had been. “I like that kind of material you got
for curtains in the kitchen.” I asked her, “What do
you call that?”
Stone Butch Blues

71

“Muslin,” she said. She got two bottles out of
the refrigerator. “Listen, if you need a place, thisapartment might be available—very, very soon, if you
know what I mean.”
I cocked my head. “Like tomorrow?”
She laughed. “Maybe sooner, who knows?”
I drank my beer and lit a cigarette. I threw
the pack on the kitchen table. Angie took one andsat down across from me. “I’m gonna be in a little
trouble soon, you know?” I nodded. “So, if you want
this place, it’s cheap.”“You know,” I told her, “I don’t even know how
to pay bills, or how any of that works. I never lived
any place except for Toni and Betty’s.”
Angie rested her hand on my arm. “I’m gonna
give you a piece of advice—you don’t have to takeit. Get yourself a factory job so you don’t end up
spending your whole life in the bars. Life in theTenderloin’s like lickin’ a razor blade, you know what
I mean? I’m not saying the plants are heaven, or
anything, but maybe you can get into a plant with theother butches, pay your bills, settle down with a girl.”
I shrugged. “I know I got some growing up to
do.”Angie smiled and shook her head. “No, baby.
I’m talking about staying young. I don’t want you to72

Leslie Feinberg

KDYHWRJURZXSWRRIDVW,JRWROGWKHQLJKW,ÀUVWJRW
busted—I was thirteen. The cop kept yelling at me
to give him a blow job and he beat the shit out of me
when I didn’t. I just didn’t know what he meant by ablow job. It wasn’t like I’d never had to do it before.”
I got up and walked over to the sink. I felt like
I was going to throw up. Angie got up and put her
hands on my shoulders. “I’m sorry, that was a stupid
story to tell anybody.” I couldn’t turn around and faceher. “C’mon, baby, come sit down,” she tugged onme gently. “You’re OK,” she said as she turned mearound. “Are you OK?” I smiled at her, but it wasn’t
FRQYLQFLQJ6KHUDQKHUÀQJHUVWKURXJKP\KDLU
“You’re not OK, are you?”
I was so relieved she said it out loud that I
started to cry. She held me against her shoulder androcked me. She pushed me back against the sinkand looked at my face, “You want to talk?” I shookmy head. “OK,” she whispered, “it’s OK. It’s just,sometimes it’s good to talk about stuff.” She held mychin in her hand. I tried to pull my face away, but she
wouldn’t let me. “You know,” she said, “maybe it’s alittle bit easier for femmes to talk to each other about
this stuff than it is for butches, what do you think?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I felt trapped and sick.
“Who hurt you, baby? The cops?” She watchedmy face. “Who else?” she concluded out loud. “Aw,baby, you’re already old, too,” she crooned as she heldme tightly against her. I buried my face in the safetyof her neck. “C’mere baby, sit down.” She pulled akitchen chair up next to me.
“I’m OK,” I said.
“Uh-uh. You’re not talking to the butches now.
Do you open up to your girlfriend?”“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I reluctantly admitted.
Angie looked surprised, which made me feelÁDWWHUHG7KHQVKHVPLOHGFR\O\´+DYH\RXHYHU
opened up to a girlfriend?”,IHOWOLNHDSLQQHGGRZQEXWWHUÁ\´,«µShe shook her head and looked me in the eye.
“You never had a girlfriend?” I looked down at my lap
in embarrassment. “How did a good-looking young
butch like you ever escape all those hungry femmes
out there?” she teased me, lifting my chin. “Howmany times you been busted, baby?”
I shrugged. “A couple.”
She nodded, “It gets harder when you know
what’s coming, doesn’t it?” I let her see into my eyes.
“Baby,” she sat on my lap. She pulled my face against
her breasts. “Baby, I’m sorry they hurt you. But morethan anything, I’m sorry you got no place to go with
it. Bring it to me now. It’s OK.” She held me inside

her warmth. Without words I told her everything I
felt. Without saying anything she let me know sheunderstood.
Then my lips brushed against her breast and asound escaped her throat. We looked at each other,startled. She had a frightened, frozen look on her
face, like a deer caught in headlights. That’s when I
realized sex is very powerful.
$QJLHWRRNDKDQGIXORI P\KDLULQKHUÀVWDQG
pulled my head back slowly. She brought her mouthclose to mine, until I could feel the warmth of her
breath. A grunting sound came from my throat. Angiesmiled. She pulled my head back further and ran herÀQJHUQDLOVOLJKWO\GRZQP\WKURDW,DFKHGIURPP\waist to my knees.
She kissed me with her whole mouth. I used tothink it was disgusting that adults licked each other’s
WRQJXHV,ÀJXUHGLWPLJKWQRWHYHQEHWUXH%XWZKDW
Angie’s tongue was doing to mine set my whole body
RQÀUH,VWUDLQHGWRWDNHPRUHRI KHUWRQJXHZLWKmine.
Suddenly she pulled my head back again andlooked at me with a strange, wild look on her face. I
felt scared, and she must have realized it because shesmiled and pulled me closer. My hands kneaded her
waist and my lips found her hardened nipple.
Stone Butch Blues73

Without a word she stood up and took me by
the hand. In her bedroom she kissed me, pushed me
away, looked at me, and kissed me again.
Her hand slid down my waist to my crotch and I
pulled away. “You’re not packing?” she asked. I didn’tknow what that meant. “It’s OK,” she said, goingto her dresser drawer. She muttered to herself, “If I
don’t have a harness in here, I’m going to kill myself.”
I realized she was looking for a dildo. I couldn’t
remember anything Al had taught me—not a word.
$OO,UHPHPEHUHGZDV-DFTXHOLQH·VZDUQLQJYou could
make a woman feel real good with it or you could make herremember all the ways she’s ever been hurt.
“What’s the matter, baby?” Angie asked. We
both looked down at the dildo and the harness inher hands. Angie’s face passed through a series of
expressions I couldn’t read. “It’s OK,” she said as I
started to turn away. “C’mere, baby,” she coaxed me.
Angie turned me around, “I’ll show you how.”Those were the most comforting words I ever
heard.
She went over to the radio and turned the dial
until she heard Nat King Cole’s silky voice singing“Unforgettable.” She came into my arms. “Dancewith me, baby. You know how to make me feel good.
Feel how I’m following you?” she whispered in my
74

Leslie Feinberg

ear. “That’s what I want you to do for me when we
fuck. I want you to slow dance with me. I want you tofollow me like I’m following you. C’mere.”
She tossed the dildo aside, lay down on themattress, and pulled me on top of her. “Listen to themusic. Feel how I’m moving? Move with me,” shesaid. I did. She taught me a new dance. When thatsong ended another slow song came on, the one fromthe movie with Humphrey Bogart—“Casablanca.”
When it got to the part where the man sang, Woman
needs man and man must have his mate, we laughed
together.
Angie rolled me over and began unbuttoning myshirt, leaving my T-shirt on. She got up on her knees
DQGVORZO\ÀQJHUHGWKHEXWWRQRQP\SDQWV6KHVOLG
my pants off but left on my BVDs. I struggled to slipon the harness and the dildo. Angie pushed me back on
the pillow and took the rubber cock in both her hands.
The way she touched it mesmerized me. “Feel how I’m
touching you?” she whispered with a smile. She ran her
nails down the sides of my T-shirt and up my thighs.
Her mouth was very near my cock. “If you’re going tofuck me with this,” she said, stroking it, “then I want
you to feel it. This is an act of sweet imagination.”
She took the head of the cock in her lips and began tomove her mouth up and down the length of it.

:KHQVKHÀQDOO\VSRNHNow was all she said.
Angie rolled over on her back as I fumbled withher clothing. I touched her with an adolescent’s lack
RI JUDFH$WÀUVW,WKRXJKWVKHZDVEHLQJYHU\SDWLHQW
about it. Then I wondered if my clumsiness allowed
her to be more excited with me than she could havebeen if I was experienced. When I was fearful or
unsure, she became more present in our lovemaking,encouraging me. When I got excited like a colt, sheguided me back under control.
No amount of advice I’d ever received from theolder butches, however, prepared me for the moment
when I knelt between Angie’s legs and had no idea of
ZKDWWRGR´:DLWµVKHVDLGSUHVVLQJKHUÀQJHUWLSV
against my thighs, “let me.” She gently guided thecock inside of herself. “Wait,” she repeated, “don’t
push. Be gentle. Let me get used to you inside of me
before you move.”
I carefully lay on top of Angie. After a moment
her body relaxed against me. “Yes,” Angie said as I
moved with her, following her lead. I found if I tried
to think about what I was doing, I lost the rhythmof her body. So I stopped thinking. “Yes.” She grew
more excited. Angie became wilder in my arms.
It scared me, I didn’t know what was happening.
Suddenly she started to cry out and yanked my hair.

I stopped moving. There was a long pause. Her body
VOXPSHGEHQHDWKPH2QHRI KHUDUPVÁRSSHGRYHU
her head against the pillow in annoyance. “Why did
you stop?” she asked quietly.
“I thought I was hurting you.”“Hurting me?” Her voice rose a bit. “Haven’t
you ever?” She stopped mid-sentence. “Sweetheart,”
she said to me, searching my face for the truth, “haveyou ever been with a woman before?”
So much blood pumped into my face that theroom spun around. I turned away from her, but I was
still inside of her. “Wait,” she said, putting her handsÀUPO\RQP\DVV´3XOORXWRI PHJHQWO\FDUHIXODK
OK.”
Angie got up slowly and brought back a packof cigarettes, matches, an ashtray, and a bottle ofwhiskey. “I’m sorry,” she said. I turned away from
KHU´/LVWHQWRPH-HVV,·PVRUU\,GLGQ·WNQRZ
\RX·GQHYHUEHHQZLWKDZRPDQEHIRUH7KHÀUVWWLPH
should be special. It’s sort of a big responsibility, you
know? C’mere, baby,” she pulled me against her. I
lay quietly in her arms. Billie Holiday was singing on
the radio. We both felt how close my mouth was to
KHUEUHDVWDWWKHVDPHPRPHQWDQGVRPHWKLQJÁDUHG
between us.
“Roll over,” she told me. I did. “Relax. I won’t
hurt you.” She straddled my waist and began toStone Butch Blues

75

massage my shoulders through my T-shirt. I could
feel the strength of the muscles in her thighs. I rolled
over and she stayed over me. I reached up for her faceand pulled her down to kiss me.
She gave me another chance. I did better thattime.
We held each other for a long time without
speaking. Then she laughed. “That,” she said, “wasgreat. That was really wonderful.” It was so nice ofher to say that. She guided me out of her slowly,
then kissed me all over my face and made me laugh.
“You’re really very sweet,” she told me, “you know
that?”
I blushed, which made her laugh and kiss me all
RYHUP\ÁXVKHGIDFHDJDLQ“You really are pretty,” I told her. She made aface and leaned over for a cigarette. I shook my head.
“How come you make your living from your looks
and you don’t know how beautiful you are?”“That’s why,” she laughed bitterly. “Whatever it
LVWKH\ÀQGDWWUDFWLYH\RXÀJXUHLWPXVWEHSUHWW\XJO\You know?” I didn’t, but I nodded.
“Will you still respect me in the morning?” shedemanded.
“Will you marry me?” I asked her.
We both laughed and hugged each other, but thesad thing is, I think we were each kind of serious.
76

Leslie Feinberg

Angie looked at me long and hard. “What?” I
was worried. “What?”
She ran her hands through my hair. “I just wish
I could make you feel that good. You’re stone already,aren’t you?” I dropped my eyes. She lifted my chinup and looked me in the eyes. “Don’t be ashamedof being stone with a pro, honey. We’re in a stone
profession. It’s just that you don’t have to get stuck in
EHLQJVWRQHHLWKHU,W·V2.LI \RXÀQGDIHPPH\RX
can trust in bed and you want to say that you needsomething, or you want to be touched. Do you knowwhat I mean?”
I shrugged. She kept talking. “I remember when
I was a little kid, I saw a bunch of the older kids in acircle in the playground. I went over to see what they
were doing.” I got up on one elbow to listen. “There
was this big beetle. The kids were poking it with astick. The bug just kind of curled up to protect itself.”
She snorted, “God knows I been poked with enoughsticks.” I kissed her on the forehead.
“God,” she said, “by the time we’re old enoughto have sex, we’re already too ashamed to be touched.
Ain’t that a crime?” I shrugged.
“Will you trust me a little?” she asked. I tensed.
“I won’t touch you any place you’ve been hurt, I
promise. Turn over, baby,” she whispered.

She lifted the back of my T-shirt. “God, yourback looks like raw hamburger. Did I do that toyou?” I laughed. “God, it’s bleeding a little. Did I
hurt you?” I shook my head. “What a butch,” shelaughed. Angie’s hands rubbed all the soreness out of
my shoulders and lower back. She slid her nails down
my back and sides, and soon her mouth followed
WKHVDPHWUDLO,FOHQFKHGWKHSLOORZFDVHLQP\ÀVWV,knew it pleased her that I writhed under her touch.
As her hand ran up my thigh, I froze. “I’m sorry,
baby, it’s OK,” she reassured me. I rolled over andshe came into my arms. “Usually it’s me that reacts
like that,” she said. “It’s strange. It’s like being on theother side of the looking glass, you know?” I didn’t,
but I could feel myself drift irresistibly toward sleep.
“Sleep now, baby,” Angie cooed in my ear.
“You’re safe here.”“Angie,” I asked her as I slipped into sleep, “willyou be here when I wake up?”“Sleep now, baby,” she answered.

Stone Butch Blues77

07
IT WAS TIME TO FIND a factory job. The butches
urged me to try to get into steel or auto. Of course I
already knew that. I wasn’t a damn fool. The strengthof the unions in those heavy industries had won
OLYDEOHZDJHVDQGGHFHQWEHQHÀWV
But Edwin said there was more to it than that.
The trade unions safeguarded job security. She told
me that unlike a nonunion shop if she had a run-in
ZLWKDMHUNRQWKHSODQWÁRRULWGLGQ·WVLJQDOKHUODVWGD\RQWKHMRE<RXFRXOGQ·WEHÀUHGMXVWEHFDXVH
some foreman didn’t like your face. With union
protection, all the butches agreed, a he-she could
carve out a niche, and begin earning valuable seniority.
In the meantime, while I was waiting for an
opening, I had to work through the temporary laboragencies at minimum wage. In early autumn theagency sent me to a one-day job on the loading docks

of a frozen food plant. My heart leaped when I saw
Grant walking into the factory ahead of me. I caught
up to her and shook her hand.
Unloading trucks on the docks was male turf. It
meant a lot to have another butch watch your back.
Grant dug her gloved hands deep inside the pocketsof her blue Navy coat. “Brrr,” she shivered. “I’mfreezin’ my ass off out here, let’s get inside.” Then she
sauntered very slowly toward the loading docks. She
never hurried. She was so cool.
One of the truckers shouted, “He-shes at highnoon!” Several guys peered out from inside the plantand shook their heads in disgust. It was going to be along shift. I was glad we walked slowly, like we owned
the goddamn parking lot.
We climbed up on the dock. The foreman cameout to look us over. Grant took off her glove andH[WHQGHGKHUKDQG$WÀUVWWKHIRUHPDQORRNHGOLNH
he wasn’t going to shake her hand, but he did. What
little respect Grant got, she earned.
The afternoon was waning. The sun dipped low
in the winter sky. A brutal wind blew off the frozen
lake. The huge semi we were unloading served toblock the wind, but not the cold. I shivered. We weretold we would unload two of these long, long trucks
during the shift. We both nodded. Personally, I had
my doubts.
We worked in silence with two guys. Neither ofthe men spoke a word to us. They hardly spoke toeach other. When Grant and I had to get around themen, we all dropped our eyes. It was harder to bearthan a storm of insults.
The cartons of frozen food weren’t as heavy as,WKRXJKWQRWIRUWKHÀUVWWKUHHRUIRXUKRXUV$IWHUWKDWWKH\IHOWOLNHWKH\ZHUHÀOOHGZLWKFROGVWHHO0\muscles ached and burned. I felt elated as the truck
load emptied. I worked faster. Grant slowed me downwith a well-intentioned glare. I had forgotten anothersemi was coming until I saw it parked, waiting in thelot.
We had a ten-minute breather as one truck
pulled away and the other backed in. Then we began
unloading the endless rows of cartons in its trailer.

Sweat ran in rivulets between my breasts. But my
KHDGZDVIUR]HQDQGP\HDUVEXUQHGOLNHÀUH7KDW·V
when I noticed with horror that both of the men wewere working with were missing pieces of their ears.
Frostbite.
,QVRPHSODQWVWKHPHQZHUHPLVVLQJDÀQJHU
down to the second joint, or a thumb. Out here on
the docks, which butt up against the frozen lake, themen gave up little exposed pieces of their bodies. It
frightened me. I wondered what I would be forced to
VDFULÀFHLQRUGHUWRVXUYLYH
I shuddered. Grant gave me a slight push thatmade me focus again on the task at hand. She looked
me up and down to make sure I was alright. She
wouldn’t ask out loud. In order to be safe on men’sterrain it was necessary to work with dignity, as
though the job was effortless. I also didn’t want Grant
WRVHHPHFROGDQGVFDUHGDQGWLUHG6KHVHHPHGÀQHShe wasn’t even breathing hard.
:KHQWKHVKLIWÀQDOO\HQGHGZHJRWWKHQLJKW
foreman to sign our timecards and hightailed it out
to the parking lot. We sat in Grant’s car smoking
cigarettes in silence. My arms trembled with
H[KDXVWLRQ,WZDVWKHÀUVWUHDOEUHDNZH·GKDGLQ
eight hours. Our smoky breath formed ice crystals
on the windshield. Grant revved up the engine andStone Butch Blues

79

turned the radio on low as we waited for the car towarm up.
“Wasn’t too bad,” I said casually, “huh?”“Are you kidding?” she asked me incredulously.
“Halfway through I thought I’d die.”I registered shock. “For real? You made it lookso easy!”
She laughed. “You must be joking. The only
thing that got me through was it looked like it wasn’t
ERWKHULQJ\RXPXFK,ÀJXUHG,KDGWRVKRZ\RXDQ
old butch like me could still keep up with a young
punk like you!”For a moment I felt uneasy. If she relied on me,
she had no idea what a thin reed she leaned on. Then,ÁXVKHGZLWKJUDWLWXGHDV,UHDOL]HGKRZVKHZDV
holding me up, even at this moment. “You pulled it
RIINLGµVKHSXQFKHGP\VKRXOGHUOLJKWO\´-HVXVµ
she added, as a look of fear crossed her face. “Didyou see the ears on those guys?”:HÀQLVKHGRXUFLJDUHWWHVLQVLOHQFHORVWLQ
similar thoughts.
ŶŶŶ

,WZDVDOZD\VKDUGWKHÀUVWGD\,VWDUWHGZRUNLQJDWD
new factory; it wasn’t easy for anyone. It took a while
80

Leslie Feinberg

for a new person to be accepted into the communityof a plant. Before co-workers invested their caring
in you they wanted to know if you were staying.
0DQ\ZRUNHUVQHYHUFDPHEDFNDIWHUWKHÀUVWGD\RU
couldn’t make quota. Others made it almost to the eveof the ninety days required to join the union, only to
be laid off.
I planned to stay at this bindery, if I could. I
HDVLO\PDGHTXRWDWKHÀUVWGD\IHHGLQJPDFKLQHVDQG
packing skids. By day two I slowed down. If quota
was made too effortlessly, the foreman would raise it.
,ZDVEHLQJZDWFKHGDQG,NQHZLW7KHÀUVWGD\
I wore sunglasses, defensively, all day long. I didn’t
take off my denim jacket and kept it buttoned up overmy black T-shirt.
This was a small sweatshop with a company
union and I was the only he-she in the plant. If thiswere a big plant, I would be one of the many heshes, so many we would have our own baseball or
bowling teams within the factory complex. There I
would probably have bound my breasts at work, worna white T-shirt with no jacket, and found my place
among our own smaller societal structure within thelife of the plant.
But despite the fact that I hadn’t yet been
initiated into this society, kindnesses were notwithheld. At lunch I bought a bottle of pop fromthe machine near the time clock and sat down on askid to eat my baloney sandwich. Muriel, one of theolder Native women who worked near me on theline, offered me half her apple. I stood and thanked
her. I ate it appreciatively. Each morning for the next
week Muriel offered me coffee from her thermos.
Everyone watched us, weighing everything they could
observe.
Those moments before the whistle blew in themorning were precious because they were ours. Only
the kerchunk of the time clock stole the last one fromus. We all dragged ourselves out of bed a little earlier
in the mornings to be at the plant a quarter hour
before we had to punch in. We drank coffee and ate
rolls, talked and laughed.
We talked all day long too. The owners only
rented our hands, not our brains. But even talking
had to be negotiated when it was on the bosses’ time.
If we seemed to be having too much fun, laughing
and enjoying ourselves too much, the foreman
would come up behind us and hit the solid wooden
worktables with a lead pipe while he growled, “Get towork.” Then we’d all look at our hands as we worked
and press our lips together in silent anger. I think theforeman sometimes got nervous after he’d done that,sensing the murderous glances he received moments
after he turned his back. But he was assigned to keep
us under control. That required keeping us divided.
We came from many different nationalities andbackgrounds. About half the women on the line werefrom the Six Nations. Most were Mohawk or Seneca.
What we shared in common was that we worked
cooperatively, day in and day out. So we remembered
to ask about each other’s back or foot pains, family
crises. We shared small bits of our culture, favorite
foods, or revealed an embarrassing moment. It was
just this potential for solidarity the foreman wasalways looking to sabotage. It was done in little
ways, all the time: a whispered lie, a cruel suggestion,a vulgar joke. But it was hard to split us up. The
conveyor belt held us together.
Within weeks I was welcomed into the circle,
teased, pelted with questions. My differences weretaken into account, my sameness sought out. We
worked together, we talked, we listened.
And then there were songs. When the whistleÀUVWEOHZLQWKHPRUQLQJVWKHUHZDVDVKDUHGSK\VLFDO
letdown among all the women and men who worked
between its imperative commands. We lumbered to
our feet, stood silently in line to punch in, and took
our places on the assembly line—next to each other,Stone Butch Blues

81

IDFLQJHDFKRWKHU:HZRUNHGWKHÀUVWIHZPRPHQWVin heavy silence. Then the weight was lifted by thevoice of one of the Native women. They were social
songs, happy songs that made you feel real good tohear them, even if you had no idea what the words
meant.
I listened to the songs, trying to hear theboundaries of each word, the patterns and repetitions.
Sometimes one of the women would explain to us
later what the song meant, or for which occasion ortime of year it was sung.
There was one song I loved the best. I foundmyself humming it after I punched out in theafternoons. One day, without thinking, I sang along.
The women pretended not to notice, but they smiledat each other with their eyes, and sang a little louder
to allow me to raise my own voice a bit. After that I
started looking forward to the songs in the morning.
Some of the other non-Native women learned songs,
too. It felt good to sing together.
One wintry Friday night, before we punched out,
Muriel invited me to go to an indoor pow-wow on
Sunday. I said yes, of course. I felt honored.
There were a few other Black and white workers
at the social—friendships too valuable to explore
solely on company time. I began to go regularly and82

Leslie Feinberg

got strung out on fry bread and corn soup.
Once or twice I was cajoled to get up and join around dance. I must say that although the poundingof the drum resounded in my heart, it never got as
far down as my feet. I felt awkward dancing and selfconscious about being so butch.
Of course, Muriel’s daughter Yvonne being there
PDGHPHVHOIFRQVFLRXVWRR,KDGDÀHUFHFUXVKRQ
<YRQQH6KHZRUNHGLQWKHIURQWRIÀFHRI WKHVDPH
factory. Everyone knew she was the girlfriend of a
local organized crime boss. That didn’t stop us fromknowing where each other was in the room during
those socials. I think all the women noticed right away.
I’d already decided I wasn’t even going to think
about approaching Yvonne, even though she seemed
to like me. Some of the older butches had warned methat sometimes on a job the guys would pressure oneof the women to sleep with a he-she, as a joke, andthen come back and tell everyone about it. That was
the last day on the job for the butch, who usually leftin shame. But sooner or later the stigma also cameback around and stuck on the woman who slept with
one of us, and she had to leave too.
,ZDVDIUDLGRI WKLVDWÀUVWZLWK<YRQQHEXWVKH
wasn’t like that at all. One night when a group of us
went out after work and got drunk, she told me herboyfriend had suggested he wanted to watch us makelove and she had told him to fuck off. Once that had
been said out loud, however, it was hard not to think
about making love with Yvonne.
-XVWEHIRUH&KULVWPDVWKHFUHZIURPZRUNZHQW
to a bar near the plant for a few beers. There wasa heavy snowstorm outside. Inside, we drank andlaughed. By the time we left, the snow had nearly
covered the cars. I heated the car door key to Muriel’s
old Dodge with my lighter to defrost it. When IÀQDOO\JRWWKHFDUGRRURSHQ<YRQQHNLVVHGPHULJKW
on the mouth. She left me in that parking lot, stunnedand excited.
The next night I went to the Malibou andwondered the whole time what it would be like tobring Yvonne there.
,ZDVKDSS\DWWKHSODQWÁLUWLQJZLWK<YRQQH
listening to Muriel’s stories, waiting for the nextsocial. On Friday nights we drank at the bar where we
cashed our checks. Saturday nights I spent at the gay
EDU,ZDVIHHOLQJMXVWÀQH
Then one day, when the plant whistle blew,
silence hung heavy in the air. I looked from face to
IDFH6RPHWKLQJZDVXS0XULHOVSRNHÀUVW´7RGD\
you start the song,” she suggested casually, “any song
you want.” I looked around in disbelief, but she wasserious. I felt the blood rise in my face. I didn’t wantto call attention to myself. I didn’t want to hear myvoice rise alone, even for a minute, above the soundsof the machines and the other women. In fact, I
realized I felt ashamed of my own voice. “I can’t,” I
protested. I felt near tears. No one said a word. They
just kept working in silence. By lunchtime I realized
there would be no songs until I began one.
Why? I wondered. Why are the women doing
this to me? Are they making fun of me? I knew it
wasn’t true. They noticed how quietly I mouthed thewords to songs. They were inviting my voice to join
theirs. They were honoring me again.
That night I lay awake in panic. The daily
routine wouldn’t resume until I sang alone. My throat
clenched at the very idea. I thought about calling insick, but it was too cowardly and it wouldn’t change
anything. No one was going to forget I was asked
WRVWDUWWKHÀUVWVRQJ%HVLGHVWKHQH[WGD\ZDVChristmas Eve. I would lose my holiday pay if I
called in sick. And immediately after the holiday I was
eligible to join the union.
In the morning I tried to act normal at work.
I was welcomed as usual. When Yvonne came in, I
wondered if she had heard. Her smile let me know
she had. The whistle blew. Each of us punched in.
Stone Butch Blues83

We took our places in line. The tension was thick. I
cleared my throat several times. Muriel watched her
hands while she worked; she smiled gently.
7KLVZDVLW,ZRXOGWU\WRÀQGP\YRLFHDQGEH
proud of it. After several false starts my voice began
WRULVHVLQJLQJWKHVRQJ,ORYHGPRVW³WKHÀUVWVRQJI’d learned. Almost immediately the other women
lifted their voices up with mine to spare me any pain.
We all smiled at each other and sang with tears in oureyes.
After lunch the foreman called me into hisRIÀFHDQGKDQGHGPHDSLQNVOLS´6RUU\µKHVDLG+H
escorted me to my locker to get my things. I wasn’t
allowed to say goodbye to anyone.
,DFWXDOO\IHOWHPEDUUDVVHGDERXWEHLQJÀUHG,
knew it was because I was so close to getting into theunion. And I knew management had been watching
the growing solidarity with great trepidation. But myshame rekindled as I realized the foreman probably
heard my voice rising alone in song.
I walked home in the snow. The deep driftsPXIÁHGDOOWKHVRXQGVRI WKHFLW\,IHOWSUHWW\ORZ
Immediately after the holiday I’d have to begin jobhunting all over again. When I got home I hoped
the phone would ring. It didn’t. I had nothing tolook forward to except watching the “Perry Como
84

Leslie Feinberg

Christmas Special.” That made me feel much worse.
Drinking didn’t help either, not that it ever did.
I was thinking about going out to the Malibou
when I heard footsteps thumping up the stairs. I
opened the door. There was Muriel, Yvonne, andsome of the other Native women from the plant.
They brought me food and a few wrapped presents.
They were on their way to a social. I was invited.
Muriel watched my face with mock solemnity as she
said, “Now you learn to dance.”

08“YOU MADE GRADE FIVE?” A butch cheer went
up in the plant cafeteria. “Alright! Way to go!” All thebutches clapped me on the back and shook my hand.
I felt euphoric.
%XWFK-DQSXWDQDUPDURXQGPH´<RXGRQH
good, kid,” she said. I blushed.
“How’d you do it?” Frankie wanted to know.
Actually, I didn’t know why I’d been selected for thejob. Maybe it was for the same reason a lot of factory
jobs were opening to us: all the young guys were
getting drafted left and right.
I’d been at this bindery for six months. It was ahuge factory. Grant and I both got jobs around thesame time. Two months later, when the educational
materials division opened, seven more butches had
been among those hired. Nine of us. Almost thewhole team I’d played softball with last summer. Nineof us—it was heaven.

Since I’d been in the plant for a while, I
knew the ropes and was already in the union. So
occasionally the other butches came to me for advice
DERXWSUREOHPVRQWKHLUÁRRURUDERXWWKHXQLRQ,
enjoyed the unprecedented reversal of roles.
,ZRUNHGZLWK-DQLQWKHWULPPLQJDQGIROGLQJ
division. Giant machines folded huge pieces of paper
stock that were then trimmed into pages. Stacks ofpages were loaded on skids near the massive collatingmachine. Women ran from the skids to feed fresh
pages into the pockets of the collator. The pages
dropped onto a moving belt. The women at the end
added cover sheets and stapled them. I stacked theÀQLVKHGERRNOHWVRQWRVNLGVEvery once in a while I got pulled from thiswork to help unload the trucks bringing in skids offresh paper. I looked forward to it because it meantdriving a forklift. The only part I didn’t like wasfeeling a little distanced from the other women. Not
one of my co-workers was ever taken off the line forany other task.
One morning the foreman replaced me on
WKHOLQH´*ROGEHUJFRPHRQµ-DFNFRPPDQGHG,
followed him into the shipping department. “Waithere,” he said.
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RI WKLVRIÀFHU,KDGLQWKH1DY\DOZD\VUDJJLQJPH,
hated his guts.”
I nodded, but I didn’t speak. Tommy was OK,
but I didn’t know if he’d repeat anything I said.
Tommy looked at the clock. “Almost breaktime,” he said. “God, I hated the Navy. Two years of
my life they stole from me. I used to watch the clock
all day. They could force me to do anything, but they
couldn’t stop time. Sooner or later they had to let meout.”
I shrugged. “So why’d you join?”“Are you kidding?” he asked me. “So I wouldn’t
JHWGUDIWHGLQWRWKH$UP\/%-·VVHQGLQJDQ\JX\ZKR
can walk over to ’Nam.”-DFNFDPHDURXQGWKHFRUQHUZLWK.HYLQKLVDVVLVWDQWDQG-LP%RQH\'DPQ,KDWHG-LP%RQH\86

Leslie Feinberg“Hey, Tommy, you makin’ a real woman out of-HVV"µ%RQH\WDXQWHG7RPP\OHHUHGDQGJUDEEHGKLV
own crotch.
´&·PRQµ-DFNRUGHUHGPHWRIROORZKLP
I looked back at Tommy. He mouthed the words,
I’m sorry.
I mouthed the words, Fuck you.
-DFNOHGPHWRDJLDQWIROGLQJPDFKLQHWKDW
was idle. I watched as he took out his tools. “Nowwatch,” he ordered as he began to set the machine
for a different-size fold. I couldn’t believe it. This
was an apprentice job. No one else was allowed tolearn the mysteries of setting up a job or repairing themachines. Apprenticing led to a journeyman’s card.
0\KRSHVÁXWWHUHG
´<RXVHWWKHYHUWLFDOVDPHZD\µ-DFNVDLG+H
grabbed a rag and wiped oil off his hands as I tried
to set the vertical folds. “No, like this,” he corrected.
The lunch whistle interrupted us. “After lunch,” he
VDLG,ÁHZXSWRWKHFDIHWHULD
Why do triumphant moments have to be soÁHHWLQJ"-XVWZKHQDOOWKHFRQJUDWXODWLRQVKDGGLHG
down, Duffy, the chief shop steward, approached ourtable. “Goldberg, can I talk to you a minute?”
I motioned to the chair next to me, “Sure.”He gestured toward the door. By the time wegot out in the hall, I had a feeling I knew what thiswas about. “Duffy, don’t tell me there’s some fucking
UHDVRQZK\,FDQ·WEXVWWKHEDUULHUWRDQXPEHUÀYH
grade.”+HIROGHGKLVDUPVDQGORRNHGDWWKHÁRRU
“Listen, Goldberg, I know you want that grade, andyou deserve it. No woman in this plant has ever gonehigher than a four, and none of the guys, except one,
KDYHHYHUZRUNHGORZHUWKDQDÀYH,WDLQ·WULJKWµ
I narrowed my eyes. “So?”+HVLJKHG´6R,·GEHZLOOLQJWRÀOHDJULHYDQFH
to get you or any of the other women a Grade Five
MRE-XVWQRWWKDWMREµI wanted to punch him out. “Why the fuck not,Duffy?” He put his arm lightly on my shoulder. I
VKRRNLWRII0\ÀVWVZHUHEDOOHGXSDWP\VLGHV´/LVWHQ*ROGEHUJ-DFNDQG%RQH\DUHVHWWLQJyou up.”,ZDVFRQIXVHG´:KDW·V-LP%RQH\JRWWRGR
with this?
Duffy pulled out a pack of cigarettes andoffered me one. I took it. “You know Leroy? Well,he’s a Grade Four. Most of the time they have him
sweeping up.”
I exhaled slowly. “Shit, I didn’t know that.”
Duffy nodded. “He’s been bidding for the Grade
Five job now for more than a year. When Freddie got

GUDIWHGODVWPRQWK/HUR\WROG-DFNKHZDQWHGWKHMRE-DFNNHSWVWDOOLQJKLP/HUR\ÀQDOO\FDPHWRPHDQG
DVNHGPHWRKHOSKLPÀJKWIRUWKHMREVRZHÀOHGD
grievance.” The picture was coming into focus.
´-DFNLVXVLQJ\RX%RQH\·VDXQLRQPDQEXWKH·V
VXFKDIXFNLQJUDFLVWKH·GUDWKHUEORFNZLWK-DFNWKDQwork with the Black guy. Leroy deserves that job,”
Duffy added.
“Well, so do I,” I argued, but I said it without
much steam.
Duffy could see me wrestling with what he said.
“Yeah, you do. And I’ll help you push to get a higher
JUDGHMRELI \RXZDQWWRÀJKWIRULWMXVWQRWWKLV
job. Stick with me on this one, Goldberg. It’s really
important for the union right now.”“Why now?” I asked.
“Our contract’s up at the end of October. The
company will do anything to split us up right now tomake it harder for us to strike if we have to. We needto stick together.”I sulked. “Look, Duffy, I’m for the union, youknow that. But butches can’t even come to union
meetings.”
Duffy looked confused. I explained to him that
we were allowed to drink downstairs at the union hall,
but we weren’t allowed to go upstairs to the meeting.
Stone Butch Blues87

“Who says?” he wanted to know.
“That’s the way it is. That’s the way it’s always
been, as far as I’ve heard.”
Duffy put his arm around my shoulder. “Look,help Leroy win this one. As soon as the strike’s over,you get the butches together, and I’ll get as manyof the stewards as possible, and we’ll all go into theUDWLÀFDWLRQPHHWLQJDVDJURXSDQGLQVLVWRQ\RXUULJKW
to be there.”
It sounded like change. “I guess,” I told him.
“But how come we have to wait till after the strike?”
He knitted his eyebrows. “Well, we don’t. It’s justthat there’s gonna be an explosion about Leroy, one
way or the other. I’m trying to hold things together
this summer, so that we’re strong if we need to strike,you know?”
I shrugged and nodded. The lunch whistle blew.
,SDQLFNHG´:KDWGR,WHOO-DFNQRZ"µ-DFNFDPHDURXQGWKHFRUQHUDV,VSRNH´<RX
ready?” he asked me.
,WRRNDGHHSEUHDWK´,GRQ·WIHHOJRRG-DFN
I’m punching out and going home.”-DFNJODUHGDW'XII\´6XLW\RXUVHOIµ'XII\ZKLVWOHGDV-DFNOHIW´<RX·UHDOULJKWGoldberg.”,VPLOHGJUXGJLQJO\´&DOOPH-HVVµ88Leslie Feinberg

The next morning when the whistle blew I took
my place at the collating machine, ready to feed the
SRFNHWV,FRXOGVHH'XII\DQG/HUR\WDONLQJWR-DFN
Duffy was waving his arms and yelling over the din of
WKHPDFKLQHU\-DFNKDGKLVKDQGVRQKLVKLSVDQGKLV
face was all red and blustery.
When I looked over a few minutes later, Leroy
ZDVZRUNLQJRQDPDFKLQHZLWK-DFN·VDVVLVWDQW,KDG
to hand it to Leroy, these guys weren’t going to makelife easy for him. As it turned out, they weren’t too
pleased with me, either.
´<RXVRQRIDELWFKµ-DFN\HOOHGLQP\HDUDV
KHZDONHGSDVWPH-LP%RQH\ZDVJODULQJDWPHIURPDFURVVWKHURRP-DQZDVRQWKHRWKHUHQGRI WKH
collating line, watching everything.
The hardest part was telling the butches atlunchtime that I was back to Grade Four. “It ain’t
ULJKWµ*UDQWVDLGVXOOHQO\-RKQQ\DQG)UDQNLH
JODQFHGDWHDFKRWKHUDQGVKRRNWKHLUKHDGV-DQMXVW
watched the situation unfolding. I told everybody
about the promise Duffy made to get all the butches
into the union meetings.
´%LJGHDOµ*UDQWODXJKHG´7KLVNLG·VOLNH-DFN
and the Beanstalk, you know? She trades a cow for amagic bean. Fuck that shit. I don’t want to be part ofno union that doesn’t want me.”My face burned. “We can’t just say ‘fuck theunion,’ we’re in it. The contract’s up in October. What
DUHZHJRQQDGRJRLQWRWKHSODQWPDQDJHU·VRIÀFH
one at a time and negotiate? We don’t have a choice.
We’ve gotta make the guys see that they need us too.”*UDQWWKXPSHGKHUÀVWRQWKHWDEOH´,JRWD
choice,” she said. “I don’t want no part of this union.
You sold out, kid. Fuck you.”
The whistle blew. Lunch was over. Everyone got
up and went back to work. I stayed at the table for a
moment, trying to remember what it was like to feelso good the day before. I would have done almost
DQ\WKLQJWRJHWEDFNWKHUHVSHFW,ORVW-DQZDVVWLOO
at the table. She stood up and put her hand on myshoulder, “C’mon, kid, we’re late.”
I stood up and sighed. I felt defeated and raw.
-DQORRNHGPHLQWKHIDFH´/LIH·VFRPSOLFDWHGDLQ·W
it, kid?” I nodded, unable to look her in the eye. She
gently touched my cheek with her calloused hand. “I
think you did the right thing.”
I remembered something my English teacher
told me about not looking for approval for doing
ZKDW\RXWKLQNLVULJKW%XW,QHHGHG-DQ·VDSSURYDO
so much at the moment that my eyes welled up withtears of gratitude.

ŶŶŶ)URPWKDWGD\IRUZDUG-LP%RQH\EHJDQWREDLWPH
mercilessly. “Hey, suck this,” he’d shout at me across
WKHVKRSÁRRU1RERG\ZDQWHGWRWDNHKLPRQSDUWO\because he held sway as a bully and partly because hewas so tight with the foreman.
´:KDWDP,JRQQDGR-DQ"µ,PRDQHGRYHUDbeer.
´<RX·YHJRWWDÀJKWKLPµ-DQWROGPH,GLGQ·W
ZDQWWRÀJKW-LP%RQH\,ZDVDIUDLGRI KLP´7KHUH·VQRRWKHUZD\WRVWRSKLPµ-DQVDLG,NQHZVKHZDV
right.
7ZRZHHNVODWHU-LP%RQH\SXVKHGPHWRR
far. I was bending over to grab some sheets off theskid and I felt something on the back of my thigh.
,VZDWWHGEHKLQGPHDQGWRXFKHGÁHVK-LP%RQH\
had pulled his cock out of his pants and rubbed itup against my jeans. I felt dizzy with fear and nausea.
7KHZRUVWSDUWZDVWKDW-LP%RQH\VDZWKHORRNDQG
UHFRJQL]HGLW+HDQG-DFNODXJKHGDWPH
All the women were watching, instead ofworking, so the booklets spilled off the end of the
OLQHDQGVFDWWHUHGRQWKHÁRRU-DFNVKXWWKHPDFKLQH
down. It got real quiet.
/HUR\FDOOHG-LP%RQH\DQDVVKROHDQGWROGKLP
to put his little dick back in his pants. Boney pushed
Stone Butch Blues

89

/HUR\DQGWKH\VTXDUHGRII WRÀJKW´<RXUÀJKW·VZLWKPH-LP%RQH\µ,VKRXWHG
The burst of bravado startled me as much as it did
everyone else. They were brave words, born of fear.
´&·PRQ\RXZDQWDÀJKW"/HW·VJRµ
Everybody looked at Boney. He smirked at
me in such a smarmy way that I knew he wanted toreduce me to the same helplessness I’d felt minutes
before, but I refused.
“C’mon,” I told him. “What are you afraid of,huh? Getting your ass whipped by a bulldagger?”
Duffy came running up and then stopped in his
WUDFNV+HZDWFKHGWKHVWDQGRII-LP%RQH\OXQJHG
IRUZDUGDQG-DFNDQG.HYLQKHOGKLPEDFN%XW,
could tell Boney wasn’t struggling too hard to get toPH,GLGQ·WNQRZZK\%RQH\ZDVQ·WHDJHUWRÀJKWme, but it emboldened me. “I’ve had it up to herewith your shit, Boney. We all have. Do your fucking
job and leave me alone or else I’m gonna pound theshit out of you.”-DFNDQG.HYLQORRNHGDW%RQH\WRVHHZKDWKH·G
do. They let go of his arms. Boney waved his arm
at me as though he were disgusted and turned away.
“She ain’t worth it,” he told them. “She ain’t worth
shit.”As Boney walked away, Duffy shouted at him,
“She’s a better union man than you are, Boney!”90

Leslie Feinberg-DQVKRRNP\KDQG'XII\FODSSHGPHRQWKH
back.
“Atta girl.” Sammy, the truck driver, patted myshoulder. “He’s a jerk.”
Walter, the repairman, caught my eyes andnodded his head once in my direction.
´$OULJKWµ-DFN\HOOHGDVKHWXUQHGWKHPDFKLQHU\back on, “get back to work, all of you.”ŶŶŶNone of us would have attended the union picnic if it
wasn’t for Duffy. It was his idea that I should organize
all the butches to come. “And you can bring all yourJLUOIULHQGVµKHDGGHG´-HVVGR\RXKDYHDJLUOIULHQG"µ
The look on my face answered him. I knew he wasjust trying to get to know me better, but that was nota great place to start.
´-HVVµKHVDLG´GLG,VD\LWULJKW"Girlfriends, I
mean.”
I laughed. “You’re alright, Duffy.”
The other butches weren’t all that wild
DERXWFRPLQJEXW-DQXQGHUVWRRGLWZRXOGEHD
breakthrough and she promised her lover, Edna,
ZRXOGFRPHDVZHOO2QFH-DQVDLG\HVWKHRWKHU
butches agreed.

We brought our baseball equipment. Once
Abba’s reopened in the spring we had formed theAbba Dabba Do’s softball team.
-DQDQG(GQDDQG,VDWXQGHUDWUHH'XII\brought us bottles of beer. “I like him,” Edna said,
after he left.
I smiled. “I do too.”-DQSDWWHGP\VKRXOGHUDQGWROG(GQD´7KH
kid’s becoming a real union organizer.”“Aw, I am not,” I demurred.
´+H\NLGµ-DQWROGPH´:HFDQXVHDOOWKHXQLW\
we can get. You been doing real good on this job
trying to hold everything together. Take a few bows,
OK?” I swelled with pride.
Edna stood up. “I need a cup,” she said.
,VWXGLHG-DQDVVKHZDWFKHG(GQDZDONDZD\+HUIDFHZDVÀOOHGZLWKSDLQ,·GXQFRQVFLRXVO\QRWLFHGWKHZHLJKWRI -DQ·VVDGQHVVODWHO\EXW,KDGQ·W
UHDOO\WKRXJKWDERXWLW-DQORRNHGDWPHDQGVKHOHW
me see a little further into her eyes than usual. I tried
to show her how much I cared about her before I
spoke. “You OK?” I asked her.
-DQVKRRNKHUKHDGVORZO\´,WKLQN,·PORVLQJ
her,” she said.
0\VWRPDFKFOHQFKHG-DQVODSSHGP\WKLJK
“I’m gonna get another beer, you want one?”

I stood up with her. “No, but,” I rested my handon her arm, “if you ever need to talk, you know …”-DQVPLOHGDQGZDONHGDZD\'XII\VDWGRZQQH[WWRPH´+H\-HVV\RX·UH
the only one I know who I could ask this question.” I
IHOWÁDWWHUHG
“I wanted to ask you about Ethel and Laverne,”
Duffy said.
I looked around. “Are they here?” Duffy shookhis head. “Too bad,” I told him, “I always wanted tomeet their husbands.”
Duffy spoke carefully. “What’s the story with
Ethel and Laverne? Are they lovers?”“Naw, they’re both married. You know that.”
Duffy fumbled for words. “Yeah, but aren’t theybutches?”
I understand what he was driving at. “Well,they’re he-shes, but they’re not butches.”
Duffy laughed and shook his head. “I don’t getit.”I shrugged. “There’s not much to get, really. I
mean they look like Spencer Tracy and Montgomery
Clift, but they really seem to love the guys theymarried.”Duffy shook his head. “But they’re inseparable.
Don’t you think maybe they’re lovers and they’reafraid to let people know?”
Stone Butch Blues

91

,WKRXJKWDERXWLWIRUDPRPHQW´-HH]'XII\
it’s not like they’re getting off much easier by being
married—they’re still he-shes. They’ve gotta deal withthe same shit butches do. Imagine Laverne going into
the ladies room at the movies. Or Ethel at a bridal
shower. I don’t think people who give them a roughtime give a fuck who they sleep with. It’s probably
harder for them, too,” I added. “They don’t have aplace to go like we do—I mean like the bars. All they
got is their husbands and each other.”
Duffy smiled and shook his head. “The way
Ethel and Laverne are with each other, I was sure they
were lovers.”“Oh, they love each other alright. You can see
that. But it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re hot andbothered for each other. They really understand eachother. Maybe each of them just likes looking in the
RWKHU·VPLUURUDQGVHHLQJDUHÁHFWLRQWKDWVPLOHV
back.”
Duffy put his arm around my shoulder andhugged me. “You’re very smart about people,” hesaid.
I blushed with pride and pulled away inembarrassment. “I’m gonna get some food.”
I heard Grant’s voice rising before I saw theconfrontation. She was shouting, nose to nose, with
92

Leslie Feinberg-LP%RQH\´:KDWGR\RXPHDQ\RXGRQ·WZDQWQR
fucking girls on your team?” she yelled.
Boney shouted in the direction of the otherguys, “’Cause we want to win, don’t we, guys?” HeVPDFNHGKLVÀVWLQWRKLVÀUVWEDVHPLWW“Hey Boney,” I called out as I strode toward
them, “you talking about softball? We’ll kick yourass!”
A silence fell over the picnic. For one thing,
everyone knew this was about a lot more than asoftball game. On the other hand, baseball was sacredto these guys. The thought of playing against girls
bordered on heresy. If they won, where was thevictory? If they lost … it was too humiliating forthem to consider.
(YHQWKHEXWFKHVVWDUHGDWPHZLWKDKRUULÀHGlook on their faces. But it was too late, my boast hungin the air. “C’mon, Boney,” I said. “We’ll challenge
you to three innings, and we’ll whip you, too.”
Boney sneered. “Bet you won’t, Goldberg.” The
way he said my name made me realize how much he
DOVRKDWHGPHDVD-HZ
I smiled. “Bet you your glove we will.” The grin
PHOWHGRII %RQH\·VIDFH+HORYHGKLVÀUVWEDVHPLWW
the way most people love their puppy dogs. He kept it
in his locker at work every day, even in the wintertime.

“And if you lose?” he countered. All eyes turned
toward me. The smile grew back on Boney’s face. “Ifyou lose, Goldberg, you gotta kiss me.”“Ewww, yecch,” everyone moaned. Some ofthem spit on the ground for emphasis.
“C’mon,” I told the other butches, “let’s get ourequipment.”-DQVKRRNKHUKHDGDVZHJDWKHUHGRQWKHÀHOGin a huddle.
“I don’t know about this,” Grant muttered.
“Look,” I admitted, “I made a mistake, OK? I
knew it the minute the words were out of my damnmouth. I’m sorry. All we can do is play our best gameand I’ll take the consequences.”
Grant threw her glove down and put her hands
on her hips. “We’ll all pay if we lose, that’s what’s sofucked up about it.”Frankie intervened. “She said she was sorry. So
let’s win, OK?”
That was easier said than done. The men’s team
VFRUHGWZRUXQVLQWKHÀUVWLQQLQJ:HFRXOGQ·WVHHP
WRKDQGOHWKHÀHOGDWDOO,ZRQGHUHGZK\ZHZHUH
playing so poorly. After all, most of the guys weren’t
in great shape. We played every week. Maybe we were
intimidated because we believed they were better thanus. I suddenly got a sick feeling in my stomach when I

realized three innings might not be enough for a teamof he-shes to overcome our fear.
“C’mon,” I said as we huddled between innings.
“Can’t we show them we got power?”
We scored two runs, but the guys scored two
also. We were two runs down. Between innings,)UDQNLHDVNHGZKDWZRXOGKDSSHQLI ZHWLHG-DQ
exploded. “Listen to this shit,” she growled. “Why
don’t we just admit we lost the game now, huh? Whyeven play another inning?” Her voice got real low andmenacing. “This is no fucking joke. You just think
ZKDWLW·GEHOLNHWRKDYHWRZDWFK-HVVNLVV-LP%RQH\
I’m not gonna stand by and let that happen.”
7KDWZDVP\IULHQG%XWFK-DQ
We took our positions to play, and play we did.
:HVFRUHGWKUHHUXQV³ÀYHWRIRXURXUIDYRU%XW
ZKHQ)UDQNLHKHDGHGLQWRKRPHSODWH-LP%RQH\smacked her on the back so hard with the ball she hit
the dirt.
:HDOOFKDUJHG%RQH\UHDG\WRNLOOKLP-DFN
and his assistant closed ranks with Boney. No one
could tell if all the men were squared off against the
he-shes, or if it was just those three guys against us.
Duffy rushed up between the butches and the men.
´-DFN\RXWRRN)UDQNLHRXW\RXIXFNLQJEDVWDUG,I 
they’re down one man, so’s your team. You’re out of
the game.”
Stone Butch Blues93

“Bullshit,” Boney waved his arms around. “It
was a fucking accident, that’s all.” We wanted to kill
him.
“The bet’s off,” Grant shouted.
“You fucking cowards,” Boney said. The bet wasback on.
Duffy paced. “This is a mistake,” he muttered.
“Yeah?” I asked him angrily. “Who’re you
rooting for?”“The union,” he shot back at me.
“Then you better hope that our team wins, not%RQH\·VDQG-DFN·Vµ,WROGKLP
Duffy mulled that over for a second and thensmiled. “You’re right.” Duffy clapped his hands andVKRXWHG´&·PRQ-DQµDVVKHKHDGHGWRWKHSODWH
-DQKLWWKHEDOOXSKLJKLQWKHDLU:HDOOSRLVHG
DQGZDWFKHGLWIDOO³ULJKWLQWR-DFN·VJORYH,WZDVRXU
third out. We were up one run, but our opponents
had another inning.
6DPP\ZDVXSWREDWÀUVW+HKLWWKHEDOOVPDFN
into Grant’s glove. Before he dropped the bat, he gave
me a wink I could see all the way from my position onÀUVWEDVH
Tommy was up next. He hit a weak grounderthat Grant scooped up at third base, but he made it to
ÀUVW
94

Leslie Feinberg“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Fuck you.” I was still mad at him.
-DFNGURYHDORZJURXQGHULQWRRXUZHDNVSRWLQ
FHQWHUÀHOGDQGORSHGWRZDUGP\EDVH´$IWHU%RQH\
JHWVGRQHZLWK\RX,ZDQWVORSS\VHFRQGVµ-DFN
sneered. I tried to keep my mind on the game.
Walter was up next. He stepped up to the plate,tapped the dirt off his shoes with the bat, and wiggled
KLVEXWWLQWRSRVLWLRQ+HKLWDSRSÁ\KLJKLQWRWKH
air. We all pushed our caps back and watched it fall
HDVLO\LQWR-DQ·VJORYH:DOWHUSXOOHGWKHEULPRI KLV
cap and walked away from home plate with a spring in
his step.
Boney stepped up to the plate. We directed
every bit of our hatred toward him, but he seemed
XQVFDWKHG+HVZXQJDWWKHÀUVWSLWFKZLWKSRZHUDQG
missed.
“Strike one,” we all yelled.
He swung angrily at the second pitch andmissed.
“Strike two,” we called out in elation. We began
to heckle him for all we were worth.
The crack of Boney’s bat against the third pitchsilenced us. We all looked up in the sky as the ball
VHHPHGWRÁRDWLQPLGDLU7RPP\KRYHUHGDURXQG
WKLUGEDVHDVPHVPHUL]HGDVZHZHUH-DFNUDQWRZDUGWKLUGDQGVKRXWHGDW7RPP\WRUXQ-LP%RQH\VOLGWRZDUGÀUVWEDVH
The ball fell with a plop, right into Grant’s
glove. It was the third out, so there was no reason
WRWKURZWKHEDOOWRÀUVWEDVH³EXWVKHGLG7KHEDOO
landed in my glove with a whack. I braced my arms
as I extended the ball and the glove towards Boney’s
nose, which was rapidly approaching me. There wasa little snapping sound as his nose hit the ball. The
JDPHZDVRIÀFLDOO\RYHU:H·GZRQ,GLGQ·WKDYHWR
NLVV-LP%RQH\ZKRZDVQRZEOHHGLQJDOORYHUÀUVW
base. I would’ve claimed it was an accident, but noone asked.
,FDXJKWVLJKWRI -DFNJODULQJDWPH³DOZD\VWKH
foreman, even at a picnic. His menacing look chilled
me. But I let it go because almost all the guys fromthe other team came over and slapped us on the backand said they were glad we won. I realized these guys
had just lost to a team of he-shes—right in front of
their wives and girlfriends—but they didn’t seem sore
about it.
The butches were happy about winning, but theyhung back a bit. I knew they were kind of peeved
DWPH,WZDVDFRFN\FKDOOHQJH,KDGKXUOHGDW-LP
Boney. It could’ve turned into a defeat for all the
EXWFKHVRQWKHMREDQGWKH\NQHZLW,WZDV-DQZKR

broke the ice. “All’s well that ends well, right, kid?”
She put her arm around me. “I think I’d have died
before I’d let you kiss that guy.”
I looked shocked. “You didn’t think I would’ve
kissed him if we’d lost, do you?”
Tommy ran up, out of breath. “Good game,” heextended his hand. My expression was frozen, but I
shook his hand. “Look, I’m sorry, OK?” he told me.
I shrugged. “You’re not a bad guy, Tommy. But
in front of the other guys you sink like a stone. I just
don’t trust you.” He opened his mouth to speak, but
no words came out.
-DQDQG,ZDONHGDZD\´<RXZHUHSUHWW\KDUGRQ
him,” she said, “but I’m sure you had a good reason.”“Attention everyone! Can I have your attention!”
It was Tommy, on top of a picnic table. We all came
FORVHU+HKDG-LP%RQH\·VSUL]HGEDVHEDOOPLWWLQ
his hands. “On behalf of the losing team, I’d like to
DZDUGWKHZLQQLQJWHDPWKLVÀUVWEDVHPDQ·VPLWW´:HOOµKHVWDPPHUHG´ÀUVWEDVHPLWWµ+H
tossed the glove to me. “You all won it fair andsquare.”(GQDZDLWHGWLOO-DQZDONHGDZD\IURPPHEHIRUH
she came over. I saw the same deep pain in her eyes
DVVKHZDWFKHG-DQIURPDGLVWDQFH,ZLVKHGDZRPDQ
loved me that much. As Edna approached me, her
Stone Butch Blues95

mouth twisted into a teasing smile. She held my facelightly in both of her hands. “Good game, butch.”
I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. “Aw,
Edna, you know.”
She nodded to silence me. “Yes, I do know, but
LWFDPHRXWMXVWÀQHµWe both noticed Duffy standing nearby, waiting
WRFRQJUDWXODWHPH´<RXZHUHULJKW-HVVµKHWROG
me, as he pumped my hand. “The union did win the
JDPH0\ÀUVWLQVWLQFWVZHUHZURQJ,·PVRUU\µ
I got myself an ice-cold beer and a piece of friedchicken and sat down alone under a tree. The air was
hot, the breeze was cool. I felt on top of the world.

96

Leslie Feinberg

09-,0%21(<','1·76+2:83 for work on
Monday. I was glad. I wouldn’t have admitted thisto anyone, but I was still scared of him. So when hecalled in sick Monday morning I walked around theplant feeling a little smug.
-DFNSXOOHGPHRII WKHOLQHDQGOHGPHWRDGLH
FXWWHUZKLFKSXQFKHGVFKRROÁDVKFDUGVLQWRWKH
shape of decks. Normally one of the guys used a
powerful air hose to blow away the trim before it
MDPPHGWKHPDFKLQH´7KHDLUKRVHLVEHLQJÀ[HGµ-DFNVKRXWHGRYHUWKHURDURI WKHPDFKLQHU\´<RX
DVVLVW-DQZKHQVKHQHHGVKHOSORDGLQJKHUVNLGVEvery once in a while, you brush the shit off thepress, like this.” He ran his hand across the face ofthe die cutter in the split second between punches.
“Don’t let it jam,” he warned me, before he walked
away.

-DQORRNHGDWWKHPDFKLQHDQGEDFNDWPH´%H
careful,” she cautioned.
I watched the die cutter punch the decks, trying
to learn its rhythm like a song. My hand darted out
and quickly brushed some of the trim away. I got
most of it. My hands were trembling. When you
work around machines you grow to respect theirmesmerizing power. I tried to stay in sync with the
SXQFKSUHVV-XVWRQFHP\KDQGZDVVORZ-XVWRQFH
was all it took.
,WKDSSHQHGVRIDVW2QHPRPHQWP\ÀQJHUV
were all connected to me. The next moment I could
IHHOP\ULQJÀQJHUO\LQJDJDLQVWP\SDOP0\EORRG
spurted in an arc across the machine, the decks ofcards stacked on skids, and the wall in front of me.
I tried not to look at my left hand, but I did.
My stomach heaved before my mind could evenunderstand what my eyes saw. I couldn’t have been
heard over the thunder of the machines, but it
didn’t matter. I couldn’t make a sound. Everything
WRRNSODFHLQVORZPRWLRQ-DQZDYHGKHUDUPVDQG
shouted. People came near but froze in horror.
It occurred to me I should go to the hospital. I
knew I couldn’t drive my motorcycle. As I walked tothe door I wondered if I had enough bus fare. Walterand Duffy ran after me.
The next thing I remember was being in a car.
Walter had his arm around me. Duffy was driving andhe kept turning around to look for a sign from Walter.
My whole hand was bound up in a red-soaked cloth. I
IHOWVRVRUU\IRUP\ÀQJHUWKDWKRWWHDUVRI JULHI UDQ
down my face. I was thinking maybe I should bury it.
I wondered who I should invite.
Walter lifted my injured hand up high with oneof his large, gentle hands, and held me tightly against
him with the other. I shook violently. “It’s gonna be
OK, honey,” he crooned. “I see a lot of these things
happen. It’s gonna be alright.”
The next thing I knew I was lying on an
operating table. I panicked. What if they took my
FORWKHVRII "7KHUHZDVQRRQHDURXQG$Á\EX]]HG
around me and landed on my hand. My body lurched.
7KHÁ\FLUFOHGDQGODQGHGDJDLQ7KLVWLPHDVP\98

Leslie Feinberg

LQMXUHGKDQGMHUNHGP\ÀQJHUVHHPHGWRPRYHLQD
different direction. I passed out.
It was Duffy’s face I saw as I drifted back to
consciousness. He was smiling, but he looked upset,
WRR´'XII\µ,ZKLVSHUHG´ZKHUH·VP\ÀQJHU"µ+HZLQFHG´,W·V2.-HVV7KH\VDYHG\RXUÀQJHUµ
I didn’t think it was true. I’d seen lots of movies
where they lie to injured people like that. I lifted myhead slightly to look at my hand. It was covered withlayers of gauze and there was some kind of metal
device running from my forearm into the gauze and
WKHQHPHUJLQJDWWKHWLSRI ZKHUHP\ÀQJHUZRXOGEH'XII\QRGGHG´<RXUÀQJHU·V2.-HVV7KHERQH
wasn’t completely severed.” He turned away as he said
it. I thought maybe he was going to throw up.
I was still dressed in my bloody work clothes.
“Get me out of here, Duffy.”+HVWRSSHGDWWKHSKDUPDF\WRÀOOP\prescriptions and drove me home. When I awoke
he was gone. There was a note on the nightstandexplaining when I should take the pills. He also left
his phone number and said I should call when I
ZRNHXS,ZDVUHOLHYHGWRÀQG,ZDVVWLOOLQP\ZRUN
clothes.
I called him later that night and he raced over.
´-DFNVHW\RXXS-HVVµ'XII\SDFHGDURXQGP\NLWFKHQ´-XVWEHIRUHKHSXW\RXRQWKDWPDFKLQHRQH
of the guys saw Kevin removing the safety device.
-DFNFRXOGFODLPKHWRRNLWRII EHFDXVHWKHKRVHZDV
on the blink, but ordering someone to put their handin it was an out-and-out contract violation.”
I had trouble following what Duffy was saying.
It wasn’t just that my mind was hazy with painkillers, I
didn’t want to understand.
´%XWJHWWKLV-HVVµ'XII\EHQWRYHUWKHNLWFKHQ
table and pounded it. “After we took you to the
KRVSLWDO-DFNUHLQVWDOOHGWKHVDIHW\GHYLFHDQGVZHDUVLWZDVRQDOOWKHWLPH7KHEDVWDUGVHW\RXXS-HVVµI felt woozy with fear. It reminded me of when
my parents had me committed, or the cops opened
my cell door. So many people in the world had somuch power to control and hurt me. I shrugged as
though it wasn’t important to me. “Look, Duffy, it’sover. Besides, the contract’s up in two months. We got
other things to worry about.”
Duffy looked at me like I was crazy, but when he
VSRNHKLVYRLFHZDVFDOP´1R-HVV:H·UHJRLQJWRZRUU\DORWDERXWWKLV:H·UHJRLQJWRSURYHZKDW-DFN
did to you and we’re going to tell management either
he’s out or we all walk out.” I marveled at the ideathat straight people would stand up for me, or for any
he-she.

“You know,” Duffy added, “I don’t think I reallyrealized how hard it is for you. I know what jerks theguys at work can be sometimes.” He leaned up against
the sink and folded his arms. “But when I went to thehospital with you, I saw how they treated you, how
they talked about you,” he rubbed his face. When helooked back up at me, I saw tears in his eyes. “I felt
so helpless, you know? I kept yelling at them that you
were a human being, that you mattered, and it was
like they weren’t even listening to me. I couldn’t doanything to help you and I couldn’t make them takecare of you the way I wanted, you know.”
I nodded. I did know. And now I knew that
Duffy did too.
ŶŶŶ

-DQGURYHPHWR$EED·VRQ)ULGD\QLJKW(YHU\RQH
cheered when I walked in. They hung a sign on thewall in the backroom that read: Get Well, Jess! Frankie
DQG*UDQWDQG-RKQQ\WROGPH'XII\RUJDQL]HGDunion investigation of the “accident.”,ZDVZDWFKLQJ-DQ6KHORRNHGVRVDG´:KHUH·V
Edna?” I whispered to Grant. Grant drew an indexÀQJHUDFURVVKHUWKURDW,ZDLWHGWLOO,VDZ-DQVLWWLQJ
alone in the back. I brought over two beers. “Can I sit
with you?” She gestured towards an empty chair.
Stone Butch Blues99´<RX·UHP\IULHQG-DQµ,WROGKHU´DQG,ORYH
you.” She looked surprised when I said that. “If you
don’t want to talk about it, that’s OK with me. But I
can’t pretend I don’t know you’re hurting.”-DQOHDQHGIRUZDUGDQGUHVWHGKHUHOERZVRQWKH
table. “I lost her. I love her and I lost her. What else is
there to say?”
I shrugged. “I know you both loved each othera lot.”-DQWRRNDVZLJRI KHUEHHU´6RPHWLPHVORYH
just isn’t enough,” she said. I hoped she was wrong.
She sighed. “The worst part is, it’s my fault. I knew
she was going to leave me and I just couldn’t change
fast enough to stop her. Who knows, maybe I’m just
too old to change at all.”
I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I
NHSWP\PRXWKVKXW-DQVOXPSHG´,I ,WHOO\RXZK\
she broke up with me, you promise me you’ll nevertell another soul?”
I thought about it before I answered her. “You
can trust me,” I said.
“You took long enough to answer,” she said,
warily.
“First I had to make sure I meant it.”
-DQ·VYRLFHJUHZKRDUVH´,MXVWFRXOGQ·WOHWKHU
touch me. We never talked about it. I don’t even know
100

Leslie Feinberg

KRZWRWDONDERXWLW$WÀUVWLWZDV2.ZLWKKHUVKH
understood. But later she told me she prided herself
on always having been able to seduce her stone lovers.
That scared the shit out of me, you know?”
I was thinking how nice that would be to have afemme lover who cared enough to try.
´$Q\ZD\µ-DQVDLG´,FRXOGQ·WDQGVKHÀQDOO\left me. After all these years. Can you believe that?”
She laughed ironically. “The only woman I ever loved
so goddamn much it makes my teeth ache and she leftme.”
-DQJULSSHGP\DUP´,·GGRDQ\WKLQJWRJHWKHU
back.” She had tears in her eyes as she spoke. “I’d get
down on my goddamn knees in front of the wholebar. I’d do anything. I just can’t change the way I am.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just can’t, you
know?”
I did. I leaned forward and put my arm around
KHU6KHOHDQHGKHUKHDGDJDLQVWP\VKRXOGHU,I -DQ
hadn’t been drunk she might have been embarrassed.
Deep down, my insides seethed. I knew I wasstone, too. It was a home alarm system that didn’t
seem to have an on-off switch. Once installed,
the sirens went off and the gates shut, even if the
LQWUXGHUZDVORYLQJ:RXOG,ÀQDOO\ÀQGDZRPDQ
who loved me and lose her because of that? If thatwas true, life seemed too hard to bear.

,REVHVVHGDERXWRQHWKLQJ-DQKDGWROGPH
Edna prided herself on being able to seduce her stonebutch lovers. I wondered how she did it. I wondered
how it would feel to be touched and not be afraid. I
thought about Edna a lot.
ŶŶŶ

I hung out at Abba’s almost every evening while I
UHFXSHUDWHGRQFRPSHQVDWLRQ-DQVWRSSHGJRLQJWR
the bar, afraid to run into Edna. Edna came to thebar on Saturdays. I looked forward to that night all
week long. When she walked through the door that
Saturday night, she was all I could see. Everyone else
was in black and white; only Edna was in full, living
color.
She headed right toward me. I got off the barstool as she approached. Edna reached down for
my injured hand. She lightly supported the metal
contraption and looked up at my face.
I shrugged. “It’s better. The doctor says I’ll havefeeling in it,” I reassured her.
“How long do you have to wear this?” she asked.
“I don’t know. They’ll tell me in a month.” I saw
concern in her eyes. I felt honored.
We both sat down and I gestured to Meg for two

drinks. I reached for my wallet. Edna rested her handon my arm. “I’m working,” she said. “Let me pay.”
Edna took a sip of her drink. “You’re reallybrave,” she told me.
I felt ashamed; it wasn’t true. “I’m not, really,” I
told her honestly. “I’m scared all the time, Edna.”
Her face softened. “What a brave thing to say tome.”I blushed. She put her hand over mine. Her
nails shined with fresh red polish. “You know what I
think?” she asked. I leaned forward to hear. “I think
everybody’s scared. But if you don’t let your fears
stop you, that’s bravery.” I decided she was the wisest
person I’d ever met.
(GQDUDQKHUÀQJHUVWKURXJKKHURZQKDLU,W
was such an intimate gesture. She saw the look on myface; she dropped her eyes and smiled. Someone put
a quarter in the jukebox. You’re my soul and my heart’s
inspiration, the Righteous Brothers sang.
I wondered if I had the courage to ask her todance. “Edna,” I mumbled, “wanna dance?”
At that moment the bar door opened andeveryone fell silent. Standing in the doorway was amountain of a woman. She wore a black leather jacket
XQ]LSSHG+HUFKHVWZDVÁDWDQGLWZDVFOHDUVKH
wasn’t wearing a binder. Her jeans were low slung,
Stone Butch Blues101

unbelted. She carried her riding gloves and her helmet
in one hand. Rocco. Her legend preceded her.
I glanced over at Edna. She was lost in amemory I couldn’t see. I watched their faces as they
VDZHDFKRWKHUIRUWKHÀUVWWLPHLQ\HDUV,ORRNHG
back and forth as though this was a tennis match andI didn’t want to miss a stroke. I could feel how muchthey loved each other.
“Hello, Rocky,” Edna said quietly. It sounded likea line from a movie.
“Hello, Edna,” Rocco answered in a deep
timbre. Their faces were close to each other and tomine. I could see the beard stubble on Rocco’s chinand cheeks.
-DQRQFHWROGPHWKDW5RFFRKDGEHHQEHDWHQXS
so many times nobody could count. The last time the
FRSVEHDWKHUVKHFDPHFORVHWRG\LQJ-DQKHDUGWKDWRocco had taken hormones and had breast surgery.
Now she worked as a man on a construction gang.
-DQVDLG5RFFRZDVQ·WWKHRQO\KHVKHZKR·GGRQH
that. It was a fantastic tale. I’d only half believed it,
but it haunted me. No matter how painful it was tobe a he-she, I wondered what kind of courage was
required to leave the sex you’d always known, or tolive so alone.
I wanted to know Rocco. I wanted to ask her amillion questions. I wanted to see the world through102

Leslie Feinberg

her eyes. But most of all, I wanted her to be different
than me. I was afraid to see myself in Rocco.
I watched Edna’s face. She held herself withsuch strength and dignity it made the pain she tried
to conceal all the more obvious. I couldn’t tell if she
was reaching to touch Rocco’s cheek or if I was justreading Edna’s mind. I trembled at my nearness to
two such powerful women.
Rocco touched Edna’s elbow. Edna rose and led
Rocco to a table in the backroom. I sat alone, shaken.
I felt left out, jealous. I hungered for the attentionof both women. As I stole a glance back at Edna, I
longed for her to look at me that way. I wished I was
so powerful that a glimpse of me could shake theleaves from her branches. And I wanted Rocco to be
my friend, to reveal all the secrets of the universe werevolved in. I wanted her as a home to come to when
I wasn’t strong.
I strained to read their body language as theytalked.
Rocco stood up. Edna held onto Rocco’s leather
ODSHOV7KHLUOLSVWRXFKHGEULHÁ\WKHQ5RFFRWXUQHG
to go. I wished Rocco could have seen the look on
Edna’s face after her back was turned. It might havemeant a lot to her.
Rocco was headed toward me to go out thedoor. I searched my brain to think of something tosay to make her stop and talk. Maybe the pained lookon my face made her pause in front of me. She asked
PHDTXHVWLRQZLWKKHUH\HEURZV,FRXOGQ·WÀQGwords to say what I wanted; I’m not sure I even knew.
)RUMXVWDPRPHQWGRXEWÁLFNHUHGDFURVV
Rocco’s face. I saw her guard begin to go up. I
couldn’t think of what to do, so I extended my handto her. She looked at it, then she glanced at my other
hand, all bandaged and looking like part of a robot.
As she shook my hand she nodded—I’ll never know
why. And then she left the bar.
The sound level rose again after she’d gone. I felt
empty and hollow with loss. If I ached, I knew Ednamust be bleeding. I waited a decent amount of time
before I went back to her. “Can I buy you a drink?” I
asked her.
She looked startled. “What?” She hesitated. “Yes,thank you.”
We drank in silence. I felt connected to her grief.
I watched the couples dancing in the smoky darkness.
Out of the blue Edna looked over at me andwhispered, “I hurt.” She said it so calmly and quietly
I was afraid I’d misunderstood her. But I saw thepain in her eyes so I moved my chair near hers. Ednacurled up against me, softly exploring my body withhers. Holding her was such a simple joy. She sighed
once and then her body shook with sobs.

$WÀUVW,IHOWHPEDUUDVVHGZRUULHGZKDW
people might think. But then I gave myself to Edna,concerned only with her comfort. She trusted me
enough to bring her sorrow to my arms. I kissed her
hair. The scent made me lightheaded. She looked up
at me. I longed to lift her chin with my hands and kissher mouth, deeply and slowly. She saw the look in myeyes. There was no point in hiding it.
“I’ll be right back,” she said. Edna was in thebathroom for a long time. When she returned I
offered her a cigarette and lit it for her. Edna shook
KHUKHDGVORZO\´-XVWZKHQ,WKRXJKW,FRXOGQ·WKXUWany more, guess who walks in the door?”I exhaled smoke and watched her face. “Whatdid she want?” I couldn’t believe I’d asked her such apersonal question.
Edna blinked in surprise at my directness. “SheKHDUG-DQDQG,EURNHXS6KHZDLWHGDPRQWKRUVR
and came to ask me if there was a chance we could
get back together.”
I lightly tapped my Zippo lighter against thewhiskey glass: butch Morse code. “Is there? A chance,
I mean.”Edna sighed. “People have seasons, you know?
Cycles. I’ve just left an eight-year marriage. Rocco’s
been alone a long time.” It hurt me to think of Rocco
being lonely.
Stone Butch Blues

103

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman like Rocco
before,” I told her.
I could see that Edna wasn’t quite sure what I
PHDQWDQG,UHDOL]HGVKH·GÀJKWWRWKHGHDWKWRGHIHQG
Rocco. “I wish she were my friend,” I said quickly, tomake her understand.
She smiled warmly and reached out to touch myarm. “Rocco would love you,” Edna said.
I brightened. “You really think so?”
Edna nodded and shook her head. “You remind
me of her in many ways. You’re a lot like she waswhen she was younger.” I wanted to ask her what she
meant, but part of me was afraid to hear her answer.
´2QHWLPHµ,WROGKHU´LWZDVWKHÀUVWQLJKW,
found one of our bars, that’s the night I met Al.”
Edna nodded. “You were a friend of Al’s?” shesaid. A misty look clouded her eyes.
“You knew Al?” I asked her. I meant knew inthe biblical sense. She understood the question.
“This is a small world,” she answered. “Thiscircle of people stays pretty much the same.” She
touched my arm. “Whatever you do now, make sure
you can live with it for the rest of your life.” I knew
I’d better give that a lot of thought. “Anyway,” shesaid, “I interrupted you.”,OHDQHGIRUZDUG´:KHQ,ÀUVWODLGH\HVRQ$O
104

Leslie Feinberg

LWZDVOLNHORYHDWÀUVWVLJKW\RXNQRZ"µ(GQD·VIDFH
softened.
“I mean, there’s different kinds of love,” I said.
“I can’t explain how it feels to me, but it’s love. That’s
how I felt tonight when I saw Rocco.”(GQDWRXFKHGP\IDFHZLWKKHUÀQJHUWLSV´7KH
more I get to know you,” she said, “the more I likeyou.” She leaned forward and kissed me lightly on thelips. I blushed from head to toe. Edna smiled.
“I’ve got to go home and sleep,” Edna told me.
“Do you want a ride?”
I shook my head. “I think I’m gonna stay for awhile, thanks.”After Edna left, I replayed the whole night in mymind, over and over again.
ŶŶŶ“Scabs!” we all screamed as the cops tried tohelp them cross our lines and take our jobs away.
Hundreds of us strained at the barricades, and thecops held the scabs back.
“Faggots!” some of our guys yelled at the
strikebreakers. All the butches pulled back from thepolice barricades. The word seared like burning metal.
“Duffy,” I pulled his arm. “What’s this faggot
shit?”

Duffy appeared torn in ten directions. “Alright,”
he said. “Listen up you guys. Stop with the faggot
stuff. They’re scabs.” The men looked confused.
A light bulb lit up over Walter’s head. “Aw, shit.”
He extended his hand to me. “We didn’t mean you
guys.”
I shook his hand. “Listen,” I said, “call themwhatever you want, but don’t call them faggots.”
Walter nodded. “Agreed.”“You cocksuckers! You motherfuckers!” they
shouted instead.
I pushed forward at the barricade. “You fucking
scabs,” I yelled. “You all have sex with other men.”
7KHJX\VORRNHGEDIÁHG´:KDW·VVKHWDONLQJ
about?” Sammy wanted to know.
“You have intercourse with your own mother,” I
screamed.
“That’s disgusting,” Walter said.
Duffy intervened. “OK, they’re scabs andstrikebreakers. Let’s call ’em what they are, alright?”
Duffy glared at me, but there was a smile underneathit.
Grant pulled me aside and motioned towards
Duffy. “You know that guy’s a communist?”
I was stunned. “He is not,” I told her.
“Oh yeah?” she asked me. “How do you know?”-DQORRNHGZRUULHG´,VWKDWWUXH"µ“It’s bullshit,” I told them both. When they went
back to yelling at the scabs and the cops, I stood next
to Duffy. “What’s up?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Are you a communist?”
I was hoping he’d laugh, or at least look startled,
but instead he had a sad look in his eyes. “Do weneed to talk about it now?” he asked.
“I told them it was bullshit,” I said. “It isbullshit, isn’t it?”“Can we talk about it later?” he asked me again.
I nodded, but I wished we could have worked it out
right there. I just wanted to hear him say it wasn’t
true.
The cops suddenly put on their riot helmets andtook out their clubs. We all tensed and gathered in
front of the barricades. They were ready to bring thescabs in past us. We roared so loud that people fromthe nearby projects came out to watch. We rattled thebarricades to remind the cops and scabs how frail thewood was, and held up our signs, loosely stapled to
two-by-fours.
As the scabs moved closer, one of them pulled
RXWDEODFNMDFNDQGKLW)UDQNLH·VÀQJHUVZKLFKZHUHUHVWLQJRQWKHEDUULFDGH-DQJRWVRPDGZKHQVKHVDZ
that happen she cracked the scab over the head with
Stone Butch Blues105

KHUSLFNHWVLJQ7KHFRSVJUDEEHG-DQDQGSXOOHGKHU
right over the barricades. They threw her up against
the police van and roughed her up. Three strikers
WULHGWRMXPSWKHEDUULFDGHVWRKHOS-DQEXWWKHFRSV
nabbed them and handcuffed them. All four werethrown into the back of the police van.
“Duffy,” I yelled, over the confusion. “Duffy, we
got to get her out of there. Help her!”
'XII\ZRUNHGKLVZD\WKURXJKWKHFURZG´-HVV
we got four union people in the van.”“Duffy, you don’t understand. Think about it. It’s
different for her to get busted. Please listen.” I didn’t
have time to explain. Duffy took my arm and looked
into my face for the answer. I let him see the fear andthe shame in a way I’d never voluntarily let a man see
before. Duffy nodded. He understood.
Duffy pushed his way to the barricade, lifted his
work boot, and kicked it over. “C’mon,” he signaled
the strikers.
The cops were caught off-guard as we surged
past them. There were skirmishes, but most of us
made it to the police wagon and surrounded it. People
from the projects formed an outer circle around us.
“Let them go,” we rocked the van. “Let them go!
Let them go!” An ashen-faced cop wearing gold bars
ZKLVSHUHGWRWKHRIÀFHUVQHDUE\:HFORVHGLQDURXQG
106

Leslie Feinberg

them. Quickly they opened the van. Four sets of
KDQGFXIIVZHUHXQORFNHG-XVWDVIDVWDVWKH\·GEHHQ
busted, the four were free.
We all turned toward the group of scabs who
were near the plant door. Without a cordon of police
for protection they scurried like rats. Several of themran inside the factory and attempted to hold thedoor shut. Some of the strikers pulled at the door,
struggling to get at them. Others chased scabs down
the street. The police pulled back across the street.
We set up a picket line right in front of the plant
doors. “Contract! Contract!” We all cheered ourselves.
“We won,” I shouted to Duffy. “We won!”He shook his head. “We won this battle.
Tomorrow will be even rougher.” What a spoilsport, I
thought.
,VDZ-DQWUHPEOLQJ,VLJQDOHGWR'XII\WKDW,ZDVJRLQJWRJHWKHURXWRI WKHUH-DQDQG,ZDONHG
a block away to her parked car. She leaned against
the car door and heaved her guts up. Her hands wereshaking so bad she almost couldn’t light her cigarette.
I pulled out my Zippo. “I was scared back there,” shesaid.
I nodded. “Me too.”“No,” she grabbed me by the shoulder. “I mean
I didn’t think I could take it—not alone, not without
Edna to go home to.”,ÁXVKHGDWWKHWKRXJKWRI JRLQJKRPHWR
Edna. I pushed the thought back down. “I know,-DQµ,ZKLVSHUHG´:KHQ\RXJRWEXVWHG,VXGGHQO\remembered things I didn’t want to think about, likethey were happening to me all over again.”
She looked up at me and smiled gratefully. “Youunderstand,” she said. I nodded and dropped my eyes.
-DQFURZHG´,FDQ·WEHOLHYH\RXJX\VJRWPHRXW
It was unbelievable. I thought I was a goner and you
guys got me out! Unfucking believable!” We laughed
until tears streamed down our faces.
“I’ve gotta go back now,” I told her. “Why don’t
you go home and get some rest.”-DQQRGGHG´7RPRUURZPRUQLQJ"$0"µ,smiled and turned to go.
-DQFDOOHGWRPH´<RX·UHDUHDOIULHQG\RXNQRZ
that?”
If she only knew how I felt about Edna, she’dunderstand what a traitor I really was.
ŶŶŶI was sound asleep that night when Duffy called.
“You were right,” he shouted. “We won it at the table
WRQLJKW$QGZHJRWPDQDJHPHQWWRDJUHHWKDW-DFNLV
out!”

I tried to climb from the depth of sleep. “What?
What did you say?”´-HVVZHZRQµKHODXJKHG´7KHUDWLÀFDWLRQ
meeting is tomorrow night. I want you to organize
all the butches to come to the union meeting to vote,
you got that?”“Sure,” I mumbled and hung up.
The next morning I called up all the butchesfrom the plant so we could go to the meeting Tuesdaynight as a group. When I called Grant, she had big
QHZV´7KHVWHHOSODQWKDVWRKLUHÀIW\ZRPHQµVKH
told me. “They’re accepting applications Wednesday
morning. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be campingout on the line Tuesday night. By late that night theline will stretch from Lackawanna to Tonawanda.”
It was a slight exaggeration, but her point was welltaken.
,FDOOHG-DQ´,GRQ·WNQRZµVKHVDLG´:KDWGR
you think we should do?”“I was kind of hoping you’d tell me what weshould do,” I told her.
I called Duffy on Tuesday afternoon. I told him
all the butches wanted the chance to get into the steel
plant. There was a long silence on the line. “It’s amistake,” he said.
“You don’t understand,” I shouted. “You don’t
Stone Butch Blues

107

know what it means to us to get into a big plant likethat.”He tried to argue with me. “If the vote passes,
at least punch in Wednesday morning or else you’ll be
DXWRPDWLFDOO\ÀUHGµHe didn’t seem to realize I was already gone.
“You don’t understand what it would mean to work inthe steel mill, do you?”
He shouted back at me. “What the hell is thisabout, looking tough?”“Yeah,” I yelled, “in a way. But not like you’resaying it. All we got is the clothes we wear, the bikes
we ride, and where we work, you know? You canride a Honda and work in a bindery or you can ride aHarley and work at the steel plant. The other butches
are gonna leave sooner or later, and I don’t wantto get stuck in that sweatshop with that rinky-dink
union.”,NQHZ,·GKXUWKLPEXW,FRXOGQ·WÀQGDZD\WR
retreat. “If you don’t understand that, I can’t explain
it to you,” I told him.
“Well, I think it’s stupid.” He sounded like akid. That’s when I knew I had really hurt him. “TheFRPSDQ\ZDVRUGHUHGWRKLUHÀIW\ZRPHQEXWWKH\
GRQ·WKDYHWRNHHSWKHP,I ÀYHRI \RXODVWWKHQLQHW\GD\VWRJHWLQWRWKHXQLRQ,·OOHDW-LP%RQH\·VEDVHEDOO
mitt.”
108

Leslie Feinberg

I was riled. “It’s my baseball mitt,” I reminded
him and hung up the phone.
Tuesday night was bitter cold. We huddled
DURXQGWKHÁDPHVOHDSLQJRXWRI PHWDOEDUUHOV,WZDV
a long, long night. My stomach tightened every time I
WKRXJKWDERXWWKHFRQWUDFWUDWLÀFDWLRQPHHWLQJ´<RXWKLQNZHPDGHDPLVWDNH"µ-DQDVNHGPH,
didn’t answer.
Fuck Duffy, I thought to myself. He doesn’t
understand us.
7KHÀUVWÀIW\RI XVÀOOHGRXWDSSOLFDWLRQVDQG
were told to return the next night at midnight. There
was a snow squall during the day while we slept, but-DQDQG,ZHUHGHWHUPLQHGWRJHWWRZRUNDQ\ZD\
We wandered through the plant as though we
had just landed on this rusty corrugated planet.
6RXQGVPXIÁHGDQGORXGVWDUWOHGXV7KHEODVW
furnace lit up the sky orange and red.
We gave the foreman our work assignment slips.
He looked us up and down. “Come with me,” he said,
and led us outside.
The wind whipped the top layer of powdery
snow into tiny tornadoes. The foreman took one oftwo shovels and he dug until we heard a clank ofmetal against metal. “Hear that? Railroad tracks.” Hehanded us each a shovel. “Clear ’em off.”He looked at my left hand. I had wrapped ascarf around my injured hand. The cold made themetal brace burn against my skin. “You gonna be able
to work?” he nodded toward my hand.
“Sure,” I said. “Hey, how far down do the tracksgo?”
He answered over his shoulder, “You can shovel
all night long and never get to the end.”-DQDQG,VWDUHGDWWKHVQRZGULIWV-DQWKUHZKHU
shovel down. It thumped softly in the snow. I braced
myself, but she spoke quietly. “I’m too old for thishorseshit,” she said. “They’re gonna make it hell for
us until we quit.” I knew she was right.
“C’mon,” she told me. “I’ll drive you home.”
I sat up until dawn watching the snow fall. I knew I’d
EHHQÀUHGWKHGD\EHIRUHZKHQ,GLGQ·WSXQFKLQIRU
WKHÀUVWVKLIWDIWHUWKHVWULNHRIÀFLDOO\HQGHG:KHQ
light glowed on the horizon I walked to the bindery
so I’d be there when Duffy arrived. I came out frombehind the gate as soon as his car pulled in. I couldn’t
read the look on his face when he saw me. “What doyou want?” He asked it gently, but the words were
cold.
“You were right.” I nearly choked on the words.
He shook his head. “I’m not glad I was right.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, really. I just cameto tell you I’m sorry. I made a mistake.”He put his arm around me. “I made a mistake,too. I’ve thought a lot about it. You remember when
you were bidding on the same job as Leroy?” I
nodded. “Well,” Duffy continued, “you were willingto step aside to make sure Leroy got that job. And
you told me the butches weren’t welcome at the union
meeting. I asked you to wait till after the strike to deal
with it. It wasn’t that I thought your grievance wasn’t
as important. I only had so much energy to deal witheverything. But maybe that’s how it seemed to you.
,·PVRUU\-HVV,I ,FRXOGGRLWDJDLQ,·GEULQJ/HUR\and all of the butches to that next meeting and say to
the guys, ‘Here we all are, we’re the union!’ I think I
made a mistake too.”
Tommy and Duffy were the only two men who
had ever apologized to me. “I gotta go,” I told him.
“You’re gonna be late.”“Wait!” he held up a gloved hand. “I havesomething for you.” He unlocked his car door andhanded me a wrapped present. “After I found out
we won the strike, I got this for you.” Duffy looked
embarrassed as he handed it to me. He took off his
JORYHDQGVKRRNP\KDQG´*RRGE\H-HVV7KDQNVµ“Thanks for what?”
He smiled. “Thanks for teaching me so much.”
He turned and walked away.
Stone Butch Blues

109

I walked home in the snow, trying not to think
about anything. When I got home I realized I was
still carrying the package. It was wrapped up in an
AFL-CIO newsletter and it had a gold bow thatlooked left over from Christmas. It was a book, an
autobiography of a woman labor organizer named
0RWKHU-RQHV,QVLGHWKHIURQWFRYHU'XII\KDG
written: To Jess, with great expectations.
I went to the window and looked out over the
mounds of snow, wishing I could do everything in mylife once as practice and then go back and do it again.
ŶŶŶ

I sat at the bar and smoked nervously, waiting for(GQDWRDUULYH-XVWLQHUDLVHGRQHH\HEURZ´6KH·VQRW
here yet?”“Who?” I asked innocently.
-XVWLQHVPLOHGDQGUDLVHGKHUJODVVLQDWRDVW´7R
love,” she said, “or is it lust?”
My defenses crumbled. “I just know that I wait
all week to see her and when I do …”´8KRKµ-XVWLQHODXJKHG´'RHVVKHIHHOWKH
same way?”
I shrugged. “I think she likes me.”-XVWLQHOHDQHGIRUZDUG´6RZKDW·VWKHSUREOHP
darlin’?”110

Leslie Feinberg“I don’t know. She’s single, I’m single. There’s
QRODZDJDLQVWLWULJKW"µ-XVWLQHGLGQ·WDQVZHU´,
GRQ·WNQRZ-XVWLQHLWMXVWGRHVQ·WIHHOULJKW,PHDQ-DQ·VP\IULHQG6KH·VWROGPHVWXIIFRQÀGHGLQPH,W
ZRXOGQHYHUEHULJKWDJDLQZLWKPHDQG-DQ%XWWKHQ
ZKHQ,VHH(GQD,ZDQWKHUVRPXFKLWKXUWVµ-XVWLQH
didn’t say a word.
“Say something,” I pleaded.
-XVWLQHVKUXJJHG´7KLVRQH\RX·YHJRWWRÀJXUH
out on your own.”“Thanks a lot.”
Edna walked in the door. We couldn’t pretend
to be casual. She held my eyes as she walked over tome. She smoothed my lapels and kissed me lightly
on the lips. My heart was thumping. Edna led me by
the hand into the backroom. I put my drink downon the table and started to sit down, but Edna pulled
PHWRZDUGWKHGDQFHÁRRU7KLVZDVDPRPHQW,·G
dreamed of.
The pleasure of the dance was so exquisite, I
almost couldn’t stand it. I only opened my eyes onceZKLOHWKHPXVLFZDVSOD\LQJ,VDZ-DQZDWFKLQJXV
Although she was only silhouetted, I recognized her
jealous rage. In an instant, she was gone.
Edna pulled back and looked at me. “What’s
wrong?” she asked. My eyes brimmed with tears. She
SXWKHUÀQJHUWLSVRQP\FKHHNDQGGUHZPHFORVHU

“Did I do something wrong?” I couldn’t explain that I
ZDVDIUDLG,·GMXVWORVW-DQWRR
Edna led me back to the table. “Edna,” I began.
She shook her head. “I don’t like the soundof that. You don’t have to explain,” she said as shegathered her purse and coat in her arms.
“Wait,” I told her. “You don’t understand.” She
dropped her coat wearily. “I want you so much, it’s
driving me crazy. It’s just doesn’t feel right.” Edna
didn’t say a word. This was my job to try to explain.
“I can’t stop thinking about you.” She leaned
forward and rested her hand on my uninjured arm,
but she still didn’t speak.
“Remember something you told me, about
SHRSOHKDYLQJVHDVRQV"<RXMXVWEURNHXSZLWK-DQ
DQG\RX·UHKXUWLQJ,ORYH-DQWRR³VKH·VP\IULHQGµEdna dropped her head and then raised it. Her
H\HVZHUHÀOOHGZLWKVDGQHVV´,WKRXJKW\RXZHUH
going to tell me I was too old for you.”“I don’t think you’re old at all, Edna. I think I’m
a little too young for you. I’m not really talking aboutage, so much, as about being grown-up. Sometimes
I imagine walking into the bar with you and being an
instant elder because you’re on my arm.” Edna still
didn’t speak. She sure wasn’t making this any easierfor me. “And sometimes when I get so confused

about what to do, I think you could make sense of
the world to me.” Edna smiled gently.
“But I can’t be an instant elder. I can’t jump over
all the things I’ve got to learn and I can’t get it all
IURP\RX,JXHVV,·PVD\LQJWKDWWKHÀUVWWLPH,WDNH
you into my arms as a lover—and I will someday—I
want to be more grown-up than I am now.” I sucked
LQP\EUHDWK´$QGVHFRQGRI DOO,ORYH-DQVKH·VP\friend. You told me that what I do now, I’ll have tolive with for the rest of my life.”“I did say that,” Edna sighed wistfully. She satback in her chair, just at a moment when I wished
she’d move closer. “I’m not ready to settle downwith any butch,” she told me. “But if I were, I’d behonored to walk into the bar on your arm. If anyone
had told me I could hurt as much as I do and still be
so attracted to you, I’d have thought they were crazy.”
I blushed. These were the words I’d waited
WRKHDU6KHVPLOHG´$QG,DPYHU\ÁDWWHUHGWKDWDyoung butch like you would pay me such attention.
You made me feel beautiful at a time when I didn’t
think I was. But I don’t think I really realized what
you were made of until I just heard what you said. I
love butches,” she squeezed my arm. Her words were
OLNHDÀUH,ZDUPHGP\KDQGVLQIURQWRI
´,ORYH5RFFRDQG-DQIRUEHLQJZLOOLQJWRWDNH
on the whole world rather than make a lie out of their
Stone Butch Blues

111

lives. And somehow they still manage to be honorable
women. They were loyal to me and to their friends.” I
nodded and dropped my eyes.
“I respect them for it,” she told me “It’s part of
why I love them so much. And I see that in you.”
I was afraid if we kept talking I would forget mydecision and bury myself in her arms. I wanted to ask
her to teach me how to let myself be touched, but I
FRXOGQ·WYLRODWH-DQ·VFRQÀGHQFH
(GQDVSRNHÀUVW´,·YHJRWWRJRKRPHQRZµI sighed in relief. I stood and held her coat forher. She slipped her arms into the sleeves and turned
to me. She kissed me lightly on the lips. I took her
waist in my hands. Her mouth opened for me and,GLVFRYHUHGDOOWKHSOHDVXUH,·GKRSHGWRÀQGLQLWV
warmth.
She pulled back. So did I. She lifted my injured
KDQGDQGNLVVHGP\ÀQJHUWLSVDQGWKHQVKHZDVJRQH
I stood in the same spot for a long time, unable tomove.
Peaches appeared at my side. “C’mon child,”
she said, leading me to the bar. “Set ’em up, Meg, andkeep ’em coming.”
-XVWLQHOLIWHGKHUJODVVLQWKHDLUWRVDOXWHPH´,
wouldn’t have said you were wrong, but in my bookyou did the right thing.”
112

Leslie Feinberg,VOXPSHGRQWKHEDU´-DQ·VPDGDWPHDQ\ZD\µ
I told them. “She saw us dancing together.”-XVWLQHVWURNHGP\KDLU´6KH·VVWLOO\RXUIULHQGµ“I’m afraid I’ve lost them both,” I sighed.
-XVWLQHVKRRNKHUKHDG´-DQZLOOEHEDFN$QG
Edna was crying and smiling when she walked out ofhere. You must have done something right.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know, it doesn’t feellike I’m doing anything right.”
Peaches laughed, “You wait and see. The
right girl is coming down the road, headed in yourdirection.”If that was true, I sure wished she’d hurry.

10
IF IT WASN’T FOR EDWIN I might never havemet Milli. Ed was on her way to have breakfast with
Darlene one morning. “Come with?” she asked.
When Ed and I walked into that sleazy diner,ZDVJODG,·GFRPH7KHUHVWDXUDQWZDVÀOOHGZLWK
working girls—male and female. We were welcomedwith a boisterous roar. I got kissed and teased.
Darlene pulled Edwin down on her knee and feigned
threats to all the other femmes to leave her butch
alone. It was fun when we all played like that.
Darlene told me about the last television episodeof “The Fugitive”: the real killer is caught and David-DQVVHQJHWVYLQGLFDWHGDQGFDQVWRSUXQQLQJEd was arguing with a woman sitting acrossfrom us about the riots in Newark and Detroit.
“Violence is as American as cherry pie. That’s
ZKDW5DS%URZQVD\Vµ(GSRXQGHGKHUÀVWRQWKH
tabletop. “They’re a dress rehearsal for revolution.”

The woman raised both her hands in surrender.
“OK, alright. Don’t blow your cool.”
Everyone was trying to shout over the jukebox,
which was turned up real loud. The Beatles were
singing “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” I tapped
Darlene on the shoulder. “What’s that song mean,
anyhow?”
She laughed. “How the hell should I know?”
My eyes burned from exhaustion. I asked Edwinto come outside with me and listen while I kickstarted my Norton. It wouldn’t kick over whenever it
was chilly and damp. I didn’t know why.
It was over Ed’s shoulder that I really saw Milli
IRUWKHÀUVWWLPH6KHZDVVWDQGLQJWKHUHMXVWORRNLQJ
at me. Ed glanced at Milli and then, like a good friend,
Ed walked away.
I have a few photographs I can see in my mind’seye. One of them is Milli, hands on her hips, looking

me up and down as if the bike and I were one leanmachine. Her body language, the gleam in her eyes,
the tease in her smile, all combined into an erotic
femme challenge. Milli set the action into irresistible
motion by lifting one eyebrow.
Without a word I took off my brown leather
jacket and offered it to her. Neither of us were in any
hurry. Once this dance began there was no reason
to rush and every reason to take it deliciously slow. I
helped her on with my jacket.
I think I fell in love with her the moment she
swung her leg over the bike and settled in behind me.
The way two women relate on a motorcycle is part oftheir sex together—and she was very, very good on abike.
I didn’t realize until she waved as we roared
off that all her friends were watching us from therestaurant window, smiling those sweet, secret kind ofsmiles at her.
From that moment on I was her butch and she
was my femme. Everybody knew it. So did we. We
MXVWÀWDQGWKHVSDUNVÁHZ:HZHUHERWKDFRXSOHRI 
tough cookies, and together we felt unbeatable.
It wasn’t just bravado. We matched each other innerve. For a stone butch and a stone pro to survive,
they have to tough it out with the world. We walked
our talk and we appreciated it in each other. Slow
114

Leslie Feinberg

GDQFLQJDWGDZQPDNLQJÀHUFHORYHOHDQLQJWRJHWKHU
as one with the motorcycle into a deep curve—it justgot better and better.
ŶŶŶOne morning Milli didn’t come to the Malibou afterwork as usual. Neither did Darlene or her friends. All
RI XVZHUHZRUULHG'DUOHQHÀQDOO\SXOOHGXSLQDFDU
Milli was bleeding in the back seat. Her face was allbusted up. I got in and held her head on my lap. We
had to take her to a goddamn veterinarian to get her
arm set in a cast. We were afraid emergency room
staff might have called the cops. It was an off-duty
cop who beat her.
It took Milli a long, long time to get herFRQÀGHQFHEDFN,WFKDQJHGKHU(YHU\EHDWLQJ
changes you.
I got a day-shift job at a plastic pipe factory. Milli
worked as a temp at a bindery. Everything was OK, it
was just different. Then I got pink-slipped and Milli
told me casually that she was thinking of going backto dancing in the clubs to get us through.
“No, no, no, no, no!” I thought that made myposition perfectly clear. But the way Milli was coming
around the kitchen table after me in response mademe retreat.

She backed me up against the sink and cameright up under my nose. “Nobody,” she sputtered inrage, “nobody tells me how to run my life, not you,not anybody. You got that?” I conceded she had apoint. “And when did you get so goddamn morally
righteous all of a sudden?” She paced around the
kitchen.
“Fuck you,” I yelled. She knew it wasn’t true.
“You just said that to hurt me.” She conceded I had apoint.
“It’s just so fucking dangerous for you to go
back to the life,” I argued. “Don’t you remember why
you quit?” That last thing I said was a big mistake.
I realized it when she picked up the nearest dishand sent it sailing across the room in my direction. I
ducked.
“You condescending, motherfucking son-of-abitch,” she shouted. “Don’t you think I know the life
better than you do, you bastard?”
We were both quiet for a moment. I decided
to do the dishes. Milli leaned up against the kitchencounter with her arms folded across her breasts
watching me.
“I just can’t stand the thought of any guy,anybody hurting you.” I said it as quietly as I could.
Milli grabbed a dishtowel and started drying
the dishes. It was a good sign. “How do you think I

feel,” she asked, “when you’re bouncer at the bar on
WKHZHHNHQGVDQGWKHUH·VDÀJKW"µ6KHJRWKHUVHOI DOO
worked up again. “For christsakes what’s the fucking
difference between you being a bouncer and me
working as a hostess?”´$GDQFHUµ,FODULÀHG´<RXNQRZ,·GEHZRUULHG
every fucking minute you were late from your shift.”“Well, fuck you then. That’s your problem, baby,
not mine.” Milli did a double take at me and dropped
her gaze. I thought maybe she was sorry she had said
that.
“I’m sorry,” she told me. “It’s just I can’t stand it
when someone does this moral thing with me.”“Goddamn you!” Now I was yelling. “Ever since
you met me you’ve been waiting for me to make one
fucking mistake, say one wrong thing about you being
a pro.”“An ex-pro,” she said sarcastically.
“It’s no goddamn joke. I never laid any bullshit
on you about it. You know that. But every time we
KDYHDÀJKW\RX·UHO\LQJLQZDLWMXVWKRSLQJ\RX·OO
make me so mad I’ll make a mistake. Then you could
leave.”
0LOOLVPLOHGIRUWKHÀUVWWLPHVLQFH,FDPHKRPH
and told her I’d been laid off. “What’s so funny?” I
asked sullenly.
Stone Butch Blues

115

“I like you,” she said softly.
I turned back to the sink and shook my head soshe could see that I was exasperated. She turned mearound. There was a really warm look on her face. She
kissed me on the mouth. I kissed her back. Then I
WXUQHGDURXQGWRÀQLVKWKHGLVKHVShe turned me around again. “We have to pay
the rent. It’s just for a while. I don’t like it any better
than you do.”I laughed. “Bullshit!”
She raised one eyebrow, daring me to pursue it.
“There’s parts of the life you like a lot,” I told
her. “I know that.”
Milli looked amazed. “Do you really know
WKDW"µ,QRGGHG6KHSXWKHUDUPVDURXQGPH´:HÀW
perfectly,” she ran her hands up and down my back.
“Remember those old spy movies where they cut aplaying card into two jagged pieces? Then when thespies meet they put the two pieces together. That’s
KRZSURVDQGVWRQHEXWFKHVDUH:HMXVWÀW\RX
know?”She kissed me again. She was a great kisser. Thenshe grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my headback and really looked at me before she spoke again.
“You’re the only women in the world who hurt almost
the same way I do, you know?”
116

Leslie Feinberg

I did.
“And another thing,” she kissed my throat.
“You’re the tenderest lover in the world.” She
unbuttoned my shirt as she spoke. The talking wasover. The conversation had just begun. We conducted
electricity between our bodies.
Later, in bed, I held her in my arms and
UHPHPEHUHGRXUÀJKWDVLI LWKDGEHHQDGUHDP
“When will you start?” I asked her.
Her body tensed. “I’ll call Darlene tomorrow.”
I spent all week in a panic putting in applications
at the plants. If I could just get a job before the endof the week.
Thursday Milli told me real casually at dinner she
was going to start work with Darlene the next night at
the Pink Pussy Kat. I poked my meat loaf with a fork.
“Don’t start,” she warned me.
“I didn’t say anything.”
We ate in silence. On Friday I left for the bar in
the early evening while she was still sleeping. I packed
a lunch for her and stuck little red paste-on hearts on
the brown paper bag.
Everybody at the bar knew I was upset. The
butches patted me on the back and told me to cheer
up. The femmes just kind of smoothed the lapelsof my suit coat and held me in their gaze for a

PRPHQW³DPRUHFRPSOLFDWHGPHVVDJH7KHQ-XVWLQH
FDOOHGPHDFURVVWKHURRPE\FXUOLQJKHULQGH[ÀQJHU
6KHJUDEEHGPHÀUPO\E\P\WLHDQGZRXOGQ·WOHWJR
“Cut it out,” she ordered.
“What?”´,VDLGµVKHJULSSHGP\WLHPRUHÀUPO\´FXWRXW
all this drama. She doesn’t need it, honey. And if you
want to lose her, this is just the way to do it.”I felt stunned. “I don’t get it,” I answeredhonestly.
“Grow up,” she concluded, and let go of me.
By the time the sun came up I was excited about
seeing Milli. When she arrived with the other dancers
from the club, I was anxious to leave together. But
they all spent a long time in the bathroom together.
Finally, each of the women came out, hesitantly
leaving the camaraderie of their group and joined us,
one-on-one.
Milli’s head rested on my back the whole ridehome. I was afraid she was asleep and might fall off
on a curve.
Once we got home I ran her a hot bubble bath.
I went into the bedroom to tell her it was ready, but
she’d already fallen asleep. I wasn’t tired.
I woke her up around 6:00 P.M. to eat dinner. I’dmade her favorite meal, but she just kind of picked at
it with her fork. “You OK?” I asked her.

“Yeah, sure,” she answered, just like I would
have.
“You coming to the bar after work?”
She was quiet for a minute. “Can I meet you athome? I’m just so tired.”
I instantly grew sullen because I was scared.
“What’s wrong with meeting me at the bar?”“Can we talk about this another time?” she askedme.
“Yeah, sure,” I said.
That night I packed her a lunch with the little
red hearts on the bag. She picked it up and smiled—atthe bag, not at me.
I felt strange the next morning when the other
women came to work to meet their butches. As
each person asked me where Milli was I grew moredefensive and angry.
Milli and I fought about it that morning. “Didit ever occur to you that I might be uncomfortable atthe bar?” Milli shouted.
That had never occurred to me at all. “Why?” I
asked, puzzled.
“Because there’s attitude toward us.”
“What are you talking about? Lots of the womenat the bar are pros.” I was aware I was shouting and I
wished I would stop.
Stone Butch Blues

117

“They’re hometown girls who turn tricks to pay
the rent. They’re ashamed of what they do. They
aren’t into the life in the same way as the rest of us.
We’re different.”
I had never thought about it. I was reeling.
“Get it, baby? That’s your people, not mine.”
Her ice-cold tone chilled me. “My people are thewomen I dance with. That’s who watches my back.”
Milli always was a pro’s pro.
I grabbed my leather jacket and took the bike far
outside the city limits before I pulled off the road andsat down to think.
The rest of the week we were super-polite toeach other around the apartment. I couldn’t get Millito respond to me. She wouldn’t play. “I don’t know,”
I told Edwin. “I’m used to being the one who shuts
down.”“Give her time,” Ed said. “You both just needtime.”
Sunday morning I was almost asleep when Millicame in. She was in the bathroom for a long time
before I realized something was wrong. She turned
her face away when I came to the bathroom door. I
VDWGRZQRQWKHWLOHÁRRU´<RX2."µ,DVNHGKHU
“Yeah, baby. Go to sleep.”
After a few minutes I got her to look at me. Her
118

Leslie Feinberg

face was swollen on one side. A little trickle of blood
was leaking from her split lip. I got a washcloth andran cold water. I stood in front of her until she let meknow it was alright to touch her face. She wrapped
her arms tight around my waist. I dropped to myknees and held her. Then she pulled away and got up
and ran a bath.
I got the message. I went to bed. I was awake
when she got undressed and lay down, but I didn’t
show it. She knew. I think it surprised me more than
her when I started to cry. She could deal with mecrying about as well as I could deal with her tears. She
went into the kitchen and made coffee. I stayed inbed.
She brought a cup of coffee to share andsat down on the bed. Her tone was gentler than I
expected. “You remember the time I got beat up real
bad and I stopped working the clubs? You know, after
we met?”“Yeah, sure.” I wondered what the point was.
“Remember when you held me and told me
you would protect me, you wouldn’t let anyone hurtme?” I winced. Milli put her hand reassuringly on myback. “What you said wasn’t wrong, baby. That’s what
everyone wants to hear when they’ve been hurt. The
only problem was, you believed it yourself. You can’t

protect me, sweetheart. I can’t protect you. I think
you’re having trouble dealing with that lately.”
I didn’t deny it. I didn’t say anything. After awhile I drifted to sleep. When I got up to go to work,
Milli was still sleeping on the couch. I covered her
with an afghan. I loved her so damn much. What she
said was true. I wanted to protect Milli and I knew I
couldn’t. I couldn’t even defend myself very well. I
was losing my nerve. I was scared, even at work.
The night before, just after closing time, young
Sal had staggered into the bar covered with so muchof his own blood we almost didn’t recognize him. He
was a victim of a Marine who was tying young femme
gay men to lampposts and slicing them with razor
blades—hundreds of small cuts. Then the Marine
would go sit in the restaurant across the street fromthe bar, waiting to see if anyone would dare stop him.
Everyone knew he’d be skulking around, but
none of us expected him to walk right into the bar ona crowded Saturday night. I hardly realized what was
KDSSHQLQJDWÀUVW7KHSD\SKRQHUDQJ-XVWLQH\HOOHG
it was for me and told me to hustle up, it was Milli. I
SXWRQHÀQJHULQP\HDUWRKHDUKHUEHWWHURYHUWKH
noise of the jukebox when I saw the Marine cutting
right through the crowd toward me. He pointed his
LQGH[ÀQJHUDWPHDQGPXPEOHG

“Take it easy,” I soothed him.
Booker smashed the guy on the head with abottle of ketchup. He said later it was the only thing
KHFRXOGJUDELQVXFKDKXUU\,WGLGDÀQHMRE,WKLQN
it gave everyone a lift to see the Marine out cold,
covered in ketchup. The following weekend we heard
the Marine had been found dead. No one knew who
did it.
When I got home that morning I reenacted thewhole scene for Milli. Deep down I wanted so muchto make love to her. I had wanted her all week. But wewent to sleep still talking about what a hero Booker
had been.
It was the next Friday night that we fought sobitterly. I don’t even remember what started it. It
doesn’t really matter. What mattered was that it was
WKHNLQGRI ÀJKWWKDW·VVRSDLQIXOLWWDNHVWKHWRSOD\HU
of skin off your heart.
I tried to go for a ride. My bike wouldn’tkick over. I stormed off for a walk around theblock. When I came back, Milli was gone. I sat in
the apartment for a long time in the dark. I wasreally upset. My brain wasn’t working too clearly, I
remember that.
That’s when I realized how we were running off
the rails. I suddenly felt I had to apologize to her, toStone Butch Blues

119

explain, or I’d lose her forever. So I went down to the
Pink Pussy Kat. I don’t know what I was thinking.
I paced outside the club smoking a cigarette.
You couldn’t see inside the bar because the windows
and doors were papered with shiny foil.
As I opened the door Darlene saw me
immediately. She had her arm around a sailor’s neck.
She looked up at Milli, who was dancing in a little
cage just above the bar. Milli had seen me too.
0D\EH,WKRXJKW0LOOLZRUHDQRXWÀWZKHQVKH
danced. It wasn’t that it mattered, I just realized I
had never wondered about it. I took in the sights andsounds and smells of the world in which she worked.
I listened to the music she danced to: I never loved aman the way that I, I love you.
I had been in so many sleazy bars there wassomething sort of familiar and commonplace about
it all. I could see immediately who was working in theroom. It was, of course, the women. But you could
tell more by their attitude than their sex. This was,after all, a job. It paid well for women who could
take care of themselves. And Milli could take care ofherself.
But I knew I had made a fatal error walking in
the door—the last mistake I would be allowed to
make. I realized in that moment it was too late for us.
120

Leslie Feinberg

I went back to our apartment to wait for her.
Milli came home within hours. She left theapartment door open as she stormed up to me. I musthave sensed what was coming because I buried myhands deep inside my pockets. She slapped me hardacross my face.
“I’m sorry,” was all I could say. I really, reallymeant it.
“I’ll bet you are,” Milli said. Her voice was crueland cold because she was hurting too. “Did you get tosee everything you wanted?”“I’m sorry, baby,” I tried to explain. “I didn’t
go there to hurt you. I wanted to start over. I made a
mistake.”“You sure did,” she said, but her voice wasquieter. She looked at me quizzically. “What were
you thinking of ?” Then she stopped being angry fora moment. “How did you feel when you walked in
WKHUH-HVV"'LGLWKXUW\RX"µ“It’s funny,” I said. “I sort of felt closer to you
right then. And I was thinking about how brave you
all are.”“Brave?” Milli narrowed her eyes.
“Yeah. I don’t think I could be strong enoughWRÀJKWZLWKRXWP\FORWKHVRQµ0LOOLVWRRGDQG
looked at me without speaking. Then she went into

our bedroom and started throwing clothing into asuitcase. I didn’t move from where I stood. When shecame out, she acted like she was looking around forwhatever else she wanted to take, but I knew she wasstalling.
“Is there anything I can say?” I asked, alreadyknowing the answer.
Milli softened her expression and came closer.
“I’m sorry, baby.” I told her as the tears streamed
down my face. She came into my arms for the lasttime.
“I know I made a big mistake tonight, Milli. I’msorry I hurt you.”
She shook her head and took my face in her
hands. “It was a mistake. But that’s all it was. I’ve
made some pretty big ones with you. That’s not why
I’m leaving.” She went over to her suitcase and took
RXWWKHSRUFHODLQNLWWHQVKH·GOHIWKRPHZLWKÀIWHHQ
years before and put it down on the coffee table nearme. She came back and put one hand on my cheek.
“I just don’t think it’s going to be much different than
it is, not for now anyway,” she explained. “I want toleave before we break everything.”
Milli brushed my cheek with her lips, and thenshe walked through that open door. She was gone.
I sat down on the couch and cried because I
just didn’t know what else to do. I jumped up andran downstairs and outside, but she was already gone.
Besides, I didn’t know how to change everything backto the way it had been.
I went back upstairs, opened a bottle of beer,and sat on the edge of the bed. That’s when I
recalled the weekend before when Milli had called
PHRQWKHSD\SKRQHDWZRUN-XVWDWWKDWPRPHQW
when I realized the Marine was coming toward me, I
forgot—it sounded like she was crying. I just didn’t
remember, with all the excitement, to ask her later
why she had called. Now I’d give anything to know.
The telephone rang. I ran to pick up the receiver.
It was Edwin. Of course she knew. Darlene had
been waiting downstairs with the car while Milli came
upstairs to pack. Darlene wanted Ed to tell me how
sorry she was and how much she loved me, too.
“You OK?” Edwin asked me.
“I don’t think so,” I told her.
There was a long silence.
“You were great together,” Ed said.
“Yeah, we were, weren’t we?”“She really loved you,” Ed reminded me. “Thoselunches you packed for Milli in the brown paper bagswith those little red hearts on them?”“How did you know that?” I asked. “Did theother girls tease her about it?”
Stone Butch Blues

121

“Hell no,” Edwin said. “They were jealous. You
made it hard on the rest of us butches. We all had
to start packing ‘love lunches.’ Anyway, promise you
won’t tell Darlene this?” I promised.
“Milli told Darlene that she thought she might
have been loved once or twice in her life, but nobody
had ever cared about her as good as you did.”
I took a deep breath. “Did she say that a longtime ago?”“Nah,” Ed said, catching my drift, “recently.”“Ed, I hurt.”“I know,” Ed said gently. “I’m sort of in thesame boat. Things are kind of rough right now withme and Darlene.”“Why is it so hard?” I felt confused.
“I don’t know,” Ed sighed. “I guess love’s nevereasy. But it’s different between a butch and a pro.” Edsounded lost in her own thoughts. “It’s love with noillusions.”
There was a long silence. We both took a deep
breath.
“My bike isn’t running.”“Go to work tonight,” Edwin advised. “I’ll meet
you there in the morning and we’ll take a look at it.”
“Ed,” I said, “I really fucked up this time.”

122

Leslie Feinberg“Nah,” she reassured me, “you just got a little
more growing up to do.”
“I don’t know if I can do it,” I told her.
My friend laughed. “You got no choice.”

11
I STOPPED GOING TO THE bars for a few weeks.
I’d heard Milli left town, but I just didn’t feel likeseeing anybody. I got two temp jobs in order to pay
for some major repairs on my Norton and to keep me
busy. My life felt so hollow after I lost Milli.
During the day I packed cartons of milk at thedairy on Niagara Street.
At night I worked at the plastic pipe factory in
6RXWK%XIIDOR:H·GGXPSKXJHWZHQW\ÀYHSRXQGEDJVÀOOHGZLWKSRZGHULQWRH[WUXVLRQPDFKLQHVand plastic pipe would push out the other end. The
ÀUVWGD\,VWDUWHGWKHUHP\SRFNHWZDWFKVWRSSHGWHQ
minutes after the shift started—it was jammed withpowder. I got coated from head to foot with that
dust.
After a couple of weeks I was exhausted fromworking doubles. I saved up more than enough toÀ[P\ELNHDQG,FRXOGQ·WWKLQNRI DQ\WKLQJHOVH,

needed. So I gave notice Friday night at the pipe
factory.
When I got home Saturday morning, I foundEd sitting on my front porch. She was wearing dress
pants and a starched white shirt with ruby cuff
links. Ed was a sight for sore eyes. She stared at me
like she’d seen a ghost. “What’s that green shit allover you?” Only my eyes showed under the coat of
powder. “You better get cleaned up,” Ed told me.
“Don’t you know about the funeral today? Old Butch
Ro died.”Butch Ro was very much loved by all the oldbulls. She was the elders’ elder. She had worked in the
Chevy plant longer than anybody could remember.
I could hardly imagine the depth of grief the older
butches were feeling. They had loved each other solong and shared so much together.

Ro and her lover almost never went out tothe bars. I’d only seen them once in Niagara Falls
at Tifka’s. But whether I had known her or not, it
was important for me to attend her funeral. All thebutches would be there. It was a sign of respect for
the role she played in our community.
I showered while Ed made coffee. She shouted
something about dressing up as I was drying off.
“What?” I called from the bathroom.
“We’re supposed to dress up.” Ed yelled.
“Yeah, of course.”“No,” she shouted. “You know, like girls.”
I put on a robe and came into the kitchen to
make sure I’d heard her right. “Says who?”“The old bulls said so.” Ed shrugged. “But I
don’t put on a dress for nobody!” She told me wewere going to a funeral home to see a body, notknocking on heaven’s gate to get let in.
I couldn’t put on a dress. I shuddered at thethought. Besides, it was a moot point—I didn’t own
one. But if the word had come down from the older
butches, something must be up.
“C’mon, hurry up and get dressed,” Ed urged
me. “Everybody’s probably already there by now.”
It was too late to call up anyone for advice. I put
on my blue suit, a white shirt, and a dark tie.
124

Leslie Feinberg

Ed drove her car to the funeral home. I followed
on my motorcycle. Once we arrived, I sat on my bikein the parking lot. I wanted to show my respect for
Butch Ro, but I wished I didn’t have to go in. “What’s
ZLWK\RX-HVV"µ(GDVNHGPHLQH[DVSHUDWLRQ“I don’t know,” I told her. I felt a sense of dread.
:KHQZHJRWLQVLGHLWWRRNDPLQXWHWRÀQG
the right room. Then I knew we had found it. There,around the open casket, were Butch Ro’s lifelong
friends. All of them were wearing dresses. That’s how
much they loved her.
These were burly, big-shouldered he-shes whocarried their womanhood in work-roughened hands.
They could playfully slap you on the back and send
you halfway across the room. Their forearms andbiceps were covered with tattoos. These powerfulbutch women were comfortable in work chinos. Their
spirit roared to life when they wore double-breasted
suits.
Wearing dresses was an excruciating humiliation
for them. Many of their dresses were old, fromanother era when occasional retreats were stillnecessary. The dresses were outdated, white, frilly,
lace, low-cut, plain. The shoes were old or borrowed:
patent leather, loafers, sandals. This clothing degradedtheir spirit, ridiculed who they were. Yet it was in thispainful drag they were forced to say their last goodbye
to the friend they loved so much.
Ro’s femme, Alice, greeted each one of them.
You could see how much she longed to fall against
their solid bodies, to feel the gentle strength of theirarms. Instead she respectfully refused to acknowledge
the pain they all shared together. She held in her
own. Ro—the butch Alice had loved for almost thirty
years—lay in the casket next to her, laid out in a pink
GUHVVDQGKROGLQJDEXQFKRI SLQNDQGZKLWHÁRZHUVWhat cruel hand controlled this scene? I
saw them just as they saw Ed and me. It was Ro’sfamily—father, mother, and brothers. They saw us themoment we walked in, and whispered in the funeral
GLUHFWRU·VHDU,QDÁDVKWKHGLUHFWRUDQQRXQFHGWKH
IXQHUDOKRPHZDVFORVLQJDQGZHDOOKDGWROHDYH-XVW
like that.
Ed and I went to the local diner for coffee. We
were sitting there when all the older butches cameÀOLQJLQSDVWXV(DFKRI WKHPKDGIRXQGDSODFH
to change clothes, even if it meant crouching downin the backseat of a car. When they saw us, they allheaded straight for the opposite side of the diner.
-DQFKDUJHGDWPHZLWKPXUGHULQKHUH\HVEXW
WKHRWKHUZRPHQUHVWUDLQHGKHU%XWFK-DQ³WKHHOGHU,ZDQWHGWRWXUQWRIRUDGYLFH%XWFK-DQ³P\IULHQG

-DQKDGEHHQFRROWRPHIRUDORQJWLPHHYHU
since the night she saw me dancing with Edna. Now
she really hated me.
A few minutes later Alice came in, supported by
a butch on each side.
Ed and I were completely isolated. I wanted toleave. It was too painful. After a few minutes Alicecame over to us, like an emissary. I felt bad that she
had to play diplomat at a time when her grief was so
unbearable, but I knew the butches were too angry
to speak to us. I stood as she approached our table. I
took her hand; she kissed my cheek.
“The old butches are pretty mad at you two,” sheexplained gently. “Some of them feel like you spoiled
LW6HHWKH\ÀJXUHGLI WKH\FRXOGPDNHVXFKDVDFULÀFHto say goodbye to Ro, you young ones could, too. It’s
not your fault, really. But you two better keep a lowSURÀOHIRUDZKLOHLI \RXNQRZZKDW,PHDQµAlice’s anguish was so discernible that I ached toreach out and hold her, but she wouldn’t have let me.
I understood. It was easy for me to feel strong, to giveof myself, dressed the way I was. For the butches who
were watching us from across the diner, it had been
painful and hard. Alice kissed my cheek lightly. “It’ll
blow over, you’ll see,” she whispered. I hoped she wasright.
Stone Butch Blues

125

,ÀJXUHG,·GWDNH$OLFH·VDGYLFHDQGOD\ORZIRU
a week or two, until I got some sign it was alright toappear at the bar again. But weeks of exile passed
without a single phone call that would signal the ice
had thawed.
Mornings grew chilly. Autumn was in the air.
There weren’t many jobs. The temp agency sent me tothe cannery at Four Corners. It was an unpaid twohour ride each way.
I boarded the company bus at 4:45 A.M. It wascold and damp. Someone passed a bottle of whiskey
around. I reached for the bottle and drank as I looked
out the window.
´+H\µ,KHDUG%XWFK-DQ·VYRLFHJURZO´DUH
you gonna share that, or what?” She was kneeling on
WKHVHDWLQIURQWRI PH,KHOGP\EUHDWK-DQOHDQHG
forward and grabbed a handful of my jacket. “Do you
get it yet?” she demanded. Her face contorted withshifting emotions.
I nodded. “Yes, I think I understood right away.
I just didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I
messed it up for all of you to say goodbye to Ro.”
-DQOHWJRRI P\MDFNHWDQGVPRRWKHGWKHOHDWKHU
“Ah, it wasn’t your fault,” she said. “The next day atthe burial the family made us stay one hundred yards
away from the grave. That wasn’t your fault either.”
126

Leslie Feinberg,OHDQHGFORVHUWRKHU´/LVWHQ-DQµ,ZKLVSHUHG“I’m sorry about everything, you know what I mean?”
We both knew I had shifted the conversation to the
QLJKW-DQVDZ(GQDDQG,GDQFLQJWRJHWKHU´,WZDVQ·W
like you think, really.”-DQORRNHGRXWWKHZLQGRZOLNHVKHZDVGD\GUHDPLQJ,ZDLWHG-DQVPLOHGDQGUHDFKHGIRU
the bottle of whiskey. “It’s OK.” She took a slug
and shivered. “No harm done. You ever work at thecannery before?” I shook my head.
She smiled and patted my cheek roughly. “I’llshow you the ropes.” With those kind words she
welcomed me back to the only real family I’d everknown.

12
I STILL REMEMBER THE MOMENT -DQDQG,
walked into the cannery and I saw Theresa, standing
right there in front of me. She was working on amachine, coring apples.
I was trying to get a better look at her,wondering what color her hair was under that white
paper net. “You coming or not?” the foreman asked
me. I hung back for a moment. Her smile told me she
already knew she had my complete attention.
(YHQZKHQZHZHUHÀOOLQJRXWIRUPVLQWKH
IRUHPDQ·VRIÀFH,VWLOOIHOWÁRRUHGDQGÁXVWHUHG
Theresa never stopped affecting me just that much.
The foreman noticed, but he must not have caredbecause he assigned me to work on the line near her.
I watched as each woman put an apple on aspindle and pressed a foot pedal. The apples spunaround and were peeled and cored in the process. Allof it landed on a conveyor belt headed toward me.
-XVWSDVWPHWKHFRQYH\RUVSOLWLQWRWZREHOWVThe foreman handed me a stick. I looked at itstupidly. He told me to hit the cores and peels one
way, the apples another. “That’s it?” I asked. He
snorted and walked away.
Thus began my short-lived career as an apple
hitter.
I knew Theresa was watching so I wanted
to do it suavely, but that was kind of stretching it,
considering the task.
“What are you doing?” she asked me.
I shrugged. “I’m inspecting the apples—you
NQRZTXDOLW\RI WKHIUXLWZRUPKROHVHIÀFLHQF\RI 
the coring and peeling operation.”
She threw her head back and smiled. “You mean
you’re an apple-bopper?”“Yeah,” I laughed. “Something like that.”“Hey you, asshole!” someone at the end of theconveyor belts yelled. OK, so I had let a few peels go
down the apple belt. Big deal!
Theresa laughed softly and went back to her
ZRUN6KHZDVSOD\LQJZLWKPH7KLVÁLUWDWLRQZDV
one of life’s unexpected pleasures. Almost as soon
as it started, it ended. The foreman announced hewas moving me. “I could do a better job hitting theseapples,” I insisted.
I followed him to another part of the plant
where the actual canning was done. The noise
WHUULÀHGPH7KHIRUHPDQSRLQWHGWRD<VKDSHG
conveyor belt running parallel to the ceiling. I saw a
guy up there straddling a giant pipe near the point
where the conveyor belt split into two. Every few
seconds a carton came down the single belt. He
diverted them alternately one way or another. I was
replacing him.
The foreman showed me a metal pole withfootholds. I waited for the guy who was already up
there to climb down, but he swung down from pipe
to pipe, brushed off his hands, and walked away. I
assumed he had been doing this job for a while.
I had hoped I could climb above the din, butboth the height and the roar made me nauseous. Thisjob looked like it required all the skill and judgment
128

Leslie Feinberg

of apple-bopping. But although it wasn’t a complex
WDVNLWVXUHZDVQ·WDVHDV\DVLWÀUVWDSSHDUHG7KH
cartons were packed with heavy cans of applesauce.
They hurtled at me with tremendous velocity, andI had to hit them to divert them. I nearly fell off. I
learned to hit the boxes from an angle, not head-on.
After I got the hang of it, I realized what aninteresting vantage point I had. I’d never seen the lifeof a factory from a bird’s-eye view. The arrangementof the machines, the sequence and interrelatedness oftasks, the organized scurrying of workers.
I noticed a ruckus near the women’s bathroom—%XWFK-DQVTXDUHGRII ZLWKWZRZRPHQDQGDPDQ
,WZDVDÀJKW,·GHQJDJHGLQPDQ\WLPHVEXWQHYHUZDWFKHGVDIHO\DVDWKLUGSDUW\-DQVWRRGZLWKKDQGV
on hips and her mouth moving like she was shouting.
I could see how defensive and embarrassed she felt by
watching her body.
I never would have heard the foreman yellingfor me below. He banged a hammer against a metal
pipe connected to the one I was sitting on. The
vibration startled me, and the next box almost took
me over and down. He pointed to his watch. It mustbe lunchtime.
,PHWXSZLWK-DQLQWKHFDIHWHULD6KHZDVXSVHW
because some women in the bathroom claimed they

thought she was a man. They said God didn’t create
ZRPHQWRORRNOLNHPHQ´7KHQH[SODLQPHµ-DQ
answered them. I laughed as she told the story, but it
really wasn’t funny.
I saw that good-looking femme come in, but-DQZDVVSXWWHULQJPDGDQG,ZDQWHGWRKHDUKHURXW
“They said they thought I was a man when they saw
P\WDWWRRVµ-DQKLWWKHOXQFKWDEOH´,VDLG¶,I \RX
really thought I was a man you’d of run out of thebathroom yelling.’” I nodded. She was right.
The woman sat at a table with her friends. I
VZRUHVKHZDVFKHFNLQJPHRXW-DQJODQFHGRYHUKHU
shoulder to see what I was looking at. “See something\RXOLNHRQWKHPHQX"µ-DQODXJKHG
I squirmed in my seat. “Aw, you know. She’s
probably just playing with me.”´/LNHKHOOVKHLVµ-DQVRXQGHGLQWKHNQRZ
“Whaddya mean?” I shot back.
“I heard she asked someone what your namewas.”“You’re kidding me. I don’t believe it.”
-DQORRNHGZRXQGHG´1RUHDOO\µ
I got my hopes up. Then they sunk. “Oh, it
probably doesn’t mean a thing,” I concluded.
-DQVPLOHGOLNHWKHUHZDVVRPHWKLQJHOVH´:HOO
she did ask if you were single.” My jaw dropped. I

couldn’t recover my composure. “For Christsake, be
FRROµ-DQSDWWHGP\DUP´-DQZKDW·VKHUQDPH"µ“Theresa.” I savored her name, repeating it overin my mind. When you do that, it’s a sign something
big is happening in your heart.
At the end of the day I looked for Theresa at
the time clock, but she was hidden in the wave of
hundreds of workers leaving and hundreds moreentering for the next shift. I didn’t talk much on
WKHEXVULGHKRPH,MXVWVWDUHGRXWWKHZLQGRZ-DQ
laughed softly and shook her head.
The next day I could hardly wait to get to
ZRUN-DQDQG,ZHUHDVVLJQHGWRORDGWUXFNV,WZDV
heavy work. I was leaning up against a pole smoking
a cigarette when Theresa walked by to go to thebathroom. Actually, the bathroom was in the opposite
direction. I felt embarrassed because I was dripping
ZLWKVZHDWDQGP\ZKLWH7VKLUWZDVÀOWK\7KHUHVD
smiled. “I like sweaty butches,” she said, as though
she’d read my mind. Man, those boxes sailed out
RI P\KDQGVDOOGD\DVWKRXJKWKH\ZHUHÀOOHGZLWKfeathers.
For the next week I didn’t sleep much. I
leaped out of bed as soon as the alarm rang androde the long distance out to the cannery in excited
Stone Butch Blues

129

anticipation. I saw Theresa at least twice a shift. I wasÁRDWLQJDIRRWRII WKHJURXQG
7KHQRQHGD\-DQSXOOHGPHDVLGHDIWHUDEUHDN
“Got some bad news for you, kid.” Theresa had beenÀUHG7KH*HQHUDO6XSHULQWHQGHQWFDOOHGKHULQWRKLVRIÀFHWRJRRYHUKHUVL[PRQWKUHYLHZ7KDW·VZKHQKHJUDEEHGKHUEUHDVWV-DQVDLG7KHUHVDNLFNHGKLP
in the shin, yelled at him, and then kicked him in the
RWKHUVKLQ*RRGIRUKHU$Q\ZD\KHÀUHGKHU
I crashed from the summit of euphoria. It was
just a job after that. Worse, really, because it had been
so much fun. I knew it was time to ask the temp
agency for another assignment.
ŶŶŶThe following Friday night I showered and dressed
up. When I got to Abba’s, I was glad I had. There
was Theresa, leaning on the bar. I had never expected
to see her again. She had cajoled some friends into
driving her to Buffalo to look for me. Lucky for me
there was only one gay bar at a time.
The hue of Theresa’s hair reminded me of
the lustrous colors of a chestnut. It was well worth
waiting to see. Her eyes didn’t hide how happy she
was to see me. I think she would have liked to hug
130Leslie Feinberg

me, but she restrained herself. So did I. I kissed thecheek she offered me.
I saw Grant near the jukebox. A moment later I
heard “Stand By Your Man” playing. Thanks, Grant. I
asked Theresa to dance. She took her time smoothing
my collar and adjusting my tie before she led me to
WKHGDQFHÁRRU:HPRYHGEHDXWLIXOO\WRJHWKHU0HJ
told me later we looked as good as Ginger Rogers andFred Astaire.
All the while we were dancing, Theresa traced
the back of my neck above my collar with herÀQJHUQDLOV6KHZDVGULYLQJPHPDG,JXHVVWKDWZDV
the point. I know I was driving her crazy, too, but I
was being very, very careful doing it. Sometimes when
you just move a little, carefully, it’s a whole lot more
powerful than grinding.
:KHQWKHVRQJÀQLVKHG,OHWJRRI KHUEXW
Theresa pulled me back. “I wasn’t trying to be mean
to you at the plant. Did you think I was?”“No, it felt good.”
She smiled. “I don’t think I was very nice to you.
I was just teasing you, to get your attention. I likedyou.”,EOXVKHG´1RERG\HYHUÁLUWHGZLWKPHRXWVLGH
a bar before—I mean in the real world, you know?
It made me feel normal.” She nodded like she really
understood.

We talked for a while about our lives. She was arural girl from Appleton. She came right out and told
me she got friends to drive her to this bar just to look
for me.
Then someone tapped Theresa on the shoulder.
The women she rode to Buffalo with were leaving.
She took my face in both her hands and kissed mymouth. I blushed from head to toe. She stood backand grinned at my color, proud of her work. “I’llmake you dinner at my house next Saturday night if
you want,” she offered.
“You’re on,” I said, still blushing.
She scribbled her phone number down on a
cocktail napkin. “Call me,” she shouted over her
shoulder.
“You can bet on it,” I answered. I was still
blushing.
You would have thought I’d won the Kentucky
Derby the way everybody came over to congratulate
me. I felt like a million bucks. I just wondered if I’dever stop blushing.
ŶŶŶIt took me all day Saturday to get ready—pick out theright clothes, bathe, shower, shower again. Then there

were questions like which tie, cologne or no cologne?
Something so sweet took a lot of care.
I brought Theresa daffodils. When I handed
WKHPWRKHUKHUH\HVÀOOHGZLWKWHDUV,KDGDIHHOLQJ
nobody had treated her like someone special before. I
silently vowed to always make her feel that way.
“I’ll just be a minute,” she called out from the
kitchen. I was glad for the time to nose around herliving room and get a sense of her. One thing I could
WHOOIRUVXUH³VKHORYHGGULHGZLOGÁRZHUV´5HDG\µ
she called out moments later. “Do you mind eating
here in the kitchen?” I’d never eaten anyplace else.
She’d made me a steak and mashed potatoes
with gravy. God, it looked delicious. Then she put amound of soft, green stuff on my plate.
“What’s that?” I asked as politely as I could.
“Spinach,” she said, locking me into her gaze.
I circled it with my fork. “Is something wrong?” sheasked.
“I just never eat vegetables, that’s all.”
Theresa took off her oven glove. She sat down
on a kitchen chair next to me and took both myhands in her hands. “Never say never,” she said.
“We’re too young to close the door to anything in ourlives.”
I discovered I was already in love with her.
Stone Butch Blues

131

Actually, I found out spinach isn’t all that bad either,
if you put lots of butter and salt on it.
After dinner I helped her wash the dishes andclean up. Then, by the sink, we moved close to eachother. I felt shy. That turned out to be okay. Gently,
we kissed each other. Our tongues discovered a silent
language to express our needs. Once we started, wenever wanted to stop. That’s how it began.
Within a month we rented a U-Haul trailer andmoved into a new apartment together in Buffalo.
Theresa negotiated with the landlord. He lived in
Kenmore, so we hoped he’d never actually see me.
We got real furniture. I mean, it was Salvation
Army, but it was real. Our names were printed inside
a heart on the dishtowel that hung on the refrigerator
door handle. We got it made at Crystal Beach. It was abrave thing to do. But later we spilled loganberry juice
on it, so we used it for dishes because we couldn’t
bring ourselves to throw it out. And there were
marigolds in amber glasses on the windowsill, daisies
in a green cut-glass vase on the kitchen table, fresh
PLQWDQGEDVLOJURZLQJLQDÁRZHUER[RQWKHSRUFK
It was a home.
I grew up in leaps and bounds. I learned toreduce the anxieties of life by paying bills on time,
keeping receipts and promises, doing laundry before
132

Leslie Feinberg

I ran out of underwear, picking up after myself.
Most importantly, I learned to say I’m sorry. This
relationship was too vital to let dust accumulate in its
corners.
I began to realize how emotionally wounded I
was, how damaged. But Theresa could always sensewhen I was about to petrify like stone. She could see
it coming by the way I held my body as I walked in
the door. She could hear it building up in the stories
of life’s daily abuses—on the job, at the corner store,
on the street. Those were the times she would tell me
stories in bed—wonderful, sensuous, tactile fantasies
about how your body feels when you’re lying on sandin the sun and the ocean’s waves are lapping near
your toes. Or climbing worn wooden stairs to visit a
quaint sunlit room where a lover awaits. The stories
were relaxation therapy and sexual fantasy combined,
meant to simultaneously calm and arouse me. They
did both. Theresa could always melt my stone.
ŶŶŶ

It was 1968. Revolution seemed to glimmer on thehorizon. Millions took to the streets in protest. The
world was exploding with change. Everywhere, thatis, except in the factories where I worked. Everymorning at dawn we punched in as usual. We only
dreamed at night.
It wasn’t that we didn’t know there was a war
raging. There were hardly any draft-age guys in theplants anymore. Co-workers who were absent forseveral days were assumed to have lost a husband,son, or brother. The ashen grief on their faces when
WKH\UHWXUQHGWRZRUNFRQÀUPHGWKHIDFWI knew there was a war. I wasn’t stupid. I justdidn’t know what on earth I could do about it.
It was Theresa’s job as a secretary at theuniversity that opened a window, allowing me to feelthe hurricane force of change. She brought homeOHDÁHWVSDPSKOHWVDQGXQGHUJURXQGQHZVSDSHUV,
read about Black Power and Women’s Liberation. I
began to understand that outrage against the war wasmuch deeper and more organized than I’d realized.
“There’s campus rallies and protests almost every day
now,” she told me, “not just against the war, but toopen up the schools to everybody.”
Theresa ordered home subscriptions to themorning and evening papers. One day she left a copyof The Ladder on the couch. It was a magazine put
out by a group called the Daughters of Bilitis. I didn’tknow who Bilitis was. I’d never seen anything about
women like us in print before.

“Where’d you get this?” I shouted to her.
She called back from the kitchen, “In the mail.”“You got this sent to our address in the mail? Was
it wrapped? What if someone in the building saw it?”After a long silence, Theresa came in with ahand mirror and held it up to my face. “Did you think
you were a secret?”ŶŶŶ

Theresa needed a root canal, but she couldn’t get any
overtime at the university. So when the temp agency
offered me a triple shift at the electronics plant,
I jumped at the chance. Theresa wondered if theemergency production at the factory had something
to do with the war. In any case, we needed the money
so I took it.
I started the triple on Thursday evening. Whata killer. By the end of the third shift I could scarcely
feel the wires as I soldered. I kept burning my indexÀQJHUZLWKWKHUHGKRWLURQTheresa was out when I got home Friday
night. I left her a note, stumbled into bed, and lost
consciousness. When I woke up, she was lying next tome, smoking one of my cigarettes. I knew something
was up. She didn’t smoke. Theresa left the room andStone Butch Blues133

FDPHEDFNZLWKRLQWPHQWDQGEDQGDLGVIRUP\ÀQJHU
“Did you hear Dr. King was killed?” she asked me.
I lit a cigarette and lay back down. “Yeah, I heard
about it Thursday night at work. What day is today,
anyway?”“It’s Saturday afternoon,” she said. “There’s beenULRWLQJDOORYHUWKHSODFH$QG-HVVµ7KHUHVDVLJKHG
“there was real trouble at the bar last night.”
I felt a pang of jealousy. “You went withoutme?”
Theresa smoothed my hair. “It was Grant’sbirthday, remember?”I smacked my forehead. “Fuck, I forgot. How
was the party?”
Theresa reached for another one of mycigarettes. I grabbed her hand. “Whoa! What’s goingon?”´7KHUHZDVDELJÀJKWODVWQLJKW$ÀVWÀJKWµ
she said.
I frowned. “Are you OK?” Theresa nodded.
“Cops?” I asked. She shook her head. “Well, what
happened?”
7KHUHVDWRRNDGHHSEUHDWK´7KH$UP\QRWLÀHG
Grant’s family Thursday night that her brother got
killed. Grant was already drunk when she showed
XSWRWKHSDUW\$WÀUVWHYHU\RQHZDVFRQVROLQJKHU
134

Leslie Feinberg

Then some of the older butches who did hitches inthe service started talking about the war. Some of thethings they were saying didn’t sit right with everyone.”
I listened quietly.
“Grant said we ought to drop an A-bomb on
Vietnam. She said no one would miss them. Ed told
Grant she was a racist and said we should bring all
the soldiers home. Ed said she felt like Muhammad
Ali, that she didn’t have any beef with the people overthere. Grant called her a communist.”
I shook my head and started to speak. Theresa
SXWKHUÀQJHUDJDLQVWP\OLSV´,WJRWPXFKZRUVH
honey,” she said. “Grant said some terrible things
about King being killed, about the riots. She wouldn’t
stop. So Ed hit her.”I crushed out my cigarette. “Oh shit.”“Anyway,” Theresa continued, “Grant got Ed up
against the bar, choking her. Peaches hauled off andpounded Grant on the head with her high heel. Other
people got involved just because they were drunk.
Ed’s face got cut up. Grant got a concussion. And
now Meg is saying no Blacks will be allowed back at
Abba’s for a while.”
I couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Shit,
Theresa, what did you do?”Theresa looked me dead in the eyes. “WhenGrant tried to hit Peaches over the head with a barstool, I cracked Grant over the head with a beer bottle
and knocked her out. I’m barred from Abba’s, too.”
I leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. “Itsounds like a mess.” I sat up. “I’d better call Ed andsee if she’s OK,” I said.
Theresa tugged my arm. “C’mere, baby. Don’tcall yet.”“Why not?”Theresa shrugged. “What are you going to say toEd?”“I don’t know. I want to know if she’s OK. I
MXVWWKLQNZHDOOVKRXOGQ·WEHÀJKWLQJHDFKRWKHU:H
need to stick together.” Theresa nodded as though I’dFRQÀUPHGVRPHWKLQJVKHDOUHDG\NQHZ6KHSXOOHGPH
against her body. A wave of exhaustion rolled overme.
´%HFDUHIXOµ7KHUHVDZKLVSHUHG´7KLQNÀUVW
before you call Ed.” I pulled back my head andstudied her face. I never could read that woman’s
mind.
“Let’s go somewhere,” she said.
I moaned. “I’m too tired.”
Theresa grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled
my head back. “Too tired to neck with me behind asand dune at Beaver Island?”I knew enough to surrender early. “OK, alright.
Should we take the car?”
Theresa shook her head. “Get the bike out of
the garage.”“Are you crazy?” I laughed. “It’s cold!”
Theresa slid her hands around my waist. “It’s
April, honey. Let’s live like it’s already spring.”
The moment we swung our legs over the Norton
I knew it was a good decision. It felt so good to turninto the curves together. One of Theresa’s hands slid
down to my thigh. I revved the engine in response.
The cold wind sucked the laughter from our mouths.
We rode slowly past the island marsh. Theresa
SRLQWHGWRDÁRFNRI ZLOGJHHVHKHDGHGQRUWKThe beach itself was almost deserted. A couple ofmothers meandered along the boardwalk with their
toddlers.
:HÁRSSHGGRZQRQWKHVDQGLQIURQWRI WKH
boardwalk. The sun was strong and warm. We could
hear a radio playing faintly in the distance.
I leaned up against a dune and spread my legs.
Theresa curled up between my thighs and leaned backagainst me. I wrapped my arms around her and closed
my eyes. The sound of lapping water and cawing gulls
soothed all the tightness from my muscles.
“Honey,” she said. Something in her tone mademy muscles tense again. “You and I never really talk
Stone Butch Blues135

about the war. I don’t even know how you feel aboutit.”
My lips were close to her cheek. “I read thoseOHDÁHWV\RXEULQJKRPHµTheresa turned to look at me. “But what do you
think?”
I shrugged. “What do you mean? I hate wars.
%XW-).GLGQ·WDVNPHLI ,ZDQWHGWRVWDUWRQH
They’re gonna do what they want to do. Why are you
asking me this?”
Theresa pulled my knees against her sides with
KHUHOERZV´,KDWHWKLVZDU-HVV,W·VJRWWRVWRS
There’s protest rallies on campus almost every day.
If anyone from the staff gets spotted at one, we can
JHWÀUHG%XW,·PWKLQNLQJDERXWJRLQJWRWKHELJUDOO\next week anyway.”,ZKLVWOHG´<RXFRXOGJHWÀUHGIRUJRLQJ"µ7KHUHVDQRGGHG´,FDQ·WVLWE\DQGZDWFK-HVV
It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’ve got to dosomething.”
I lay down on my belly in the cool sand. “It’sfunny to hear you talk like this. You know, I didn’t
realize before how different our jobs are. All thisstuff ’s going on where you work. It doesn’t touch
us at the factory, except when one of the guys gets
drafted or killed.”
136

Leslie Feinberg

7KHUHVDQRGGHG´,NQRZKRQH\7KLVLVWKHÀUVWtime in my life I’ve had a job where I can see what’s
going on in the world. All day long I hear people arguing
about things that are happening. I used to just listen. But
now I care. Now I’ve got feelings about what’s going on
and I want to help try to change things.”
I held up one hand to stop her. “Slow down,
KRQH\µ,ÁRSSHGRYHURQP\EDFN,ZRQGHUHGZK\
her words scared me so much. “Is that why you
brought me out here today? To talk to me about
this?” I shielded my eyes from the sun to watch herface.
She shook her head. “I brought you out here soyou wouldn’t call Ed right away—not till we talkedÀUVWµI frowned. “Why?”
Theresa smiled and lay so close I could feel her
breath on my ear. “You know one of the things I
OLNHGEHVWDERXW\RXZKHQ,ÀUVWJRWWRNQRZ\RX"µI was being handled, but gently, so I didn’t mind
much. “Tell me,” I smiled.
Theresa laughed. “You were always thepeacemaker. Whenever the butches got tanked up andhot under the collar, you found a way to step in anddefuse things. I even noticed that sometimes when
two of the older butches would get mad at each otherthey would drift over to you one at a time and you’d
WDONWRHDFKRI WKHPDQGWKHUHZDVQ·WDÀVWÀJKWµI turned my head to look at her. “There’s a point
here, I’ll bet.”
Theresa squeezed my arm. “That’s one ofyour strengths. The way you soothe people whenthey’re mad at each other. Sticking together is really
important sometimes. But not always.”
I sat up. “What do you mean?”
Theresa sat up next to me. “Sometimes you haveto take sides.”I reached for my cigarettes and lit one. Theresa
took it from my hand. I lit another for myself. “Sides
on what?” I asked her.
7KHUHVDUDQKHUÀQJHUVWKURXJKP\KDLU´:KHUH
you stand on the war, for one thing. If you come out
against the war, you’ll have to take on some of the oldbutches. And I think that’s going to be very hard foryou.”
I sighed. “Of course I’m against the war. Who’s
for war?”Theresa sighed. “Some of the butches are forthe war, honey. And are you sure you’re really against
all wars? Are there any wars you feel different about?”
I did a double take. “Like what?”
Theresa took a long drag on her cigarette. “Edfeels like she’s in a war here at home. You haven’t seen

the news yet. Cities are burning. There’s troops in thestreets.”
I shrugged. “That’s different.”
7KHUHVDQRGGHG´<HDKLWLV<RXKDYHWRÀJXUH
out where you stand.” I exhaled smoke and watched
the wind lift it up and away.
Theresa watched my face with obvious concern.
´,·PMXVWVD\LQJEHFDUHIXOKRQH\7KLQNÀUVWEHIRUH
you talk to Ed or anybody else about what happened
last night.”
I listened to the seagulls’ caws. Theresa tugged
on my arm, demanding my response.
“I’m listening. I’m glad you didn’t let me call
Ed all half-cocked. Everything’s changing so fast.
Sometimes I understand what’s going on and then I
lose the thread again. I’ll think about it. I just don’tknow what to think.”
Theresa kissed my lips. “That’s a great answer.
<RX·OOÀJXUHLWRXW<RXDOZD\VWU\WRGRZKDW·VULJKWµ
I dropped my eyes. Theresa lifted my chin with her
hand. She asked me with her eyes what I was feeling.
“I’m just scared,” I told her. “All this stuff
hasn’t really hit me until now. But all of a sudden
I’m realizing how much you’ve been changing, and it
scares me to death. I’m afraid you’re changing and I’mnot.”
Stone Butch Blues

137

Theresa pulled me down on top of her. I
glanced around to see if anyone was around. We werealone.
´-HVVµ7KHUHVDZKLVSHUHG´GRQ·WEHDIUDLG
to let me change. We’re all changing. Who knows?
You could end up changing so much you’d leave mebehind.”I laughed at her words. “Never,” I promised.
“That’ll never happen.”ŶŶŶ

Before I could turn the apartment door key in ourlock Theresa opened it. “How did it go?” she askedme.
,VKUXJJHG´,WZDVKDUG,WDONHGWR-DQÀUVWShe said pretty much the same thing I did to you—we
VKRXOGQ·WEHÀJKWLQJHDFKRWKHU%XWVKHDJUHHG*UDQW
could be a real pain.”
Theresa led me to the couch. “Did you talk to
Meg?”´<HDK-DQFDPHZLWKPH:HWDONHGWR0HJ
before everyone else showed up to the meeting. I told
Meg even if she barred the Black butches and queensthat wasn’t gonna keep the peace because I would
have jumped in Grant’s face over the shit she said,
138

Leslie Feinberg

WRR-DQEDFNHGPHXSµTheresa smiled. “Did you mention me?”I laughed. “Not at that point. I told Meg by thetime she excludes everyone who might be offended
by Grant when she’s drunk, she may as well shut
down the bar. I said it would make more sense to bar
Grant when she’s plowed.”
Theresa nodded. I lit a cigarette. “So?” sheurged. “Then what?”
I sighed. “I said it wasn’t just about me and Ed
being friends. I told Meg I didn’t think she handled
it right. She said she’s got a business to run. I said I
know that, but I wouldn’t go to an all-white bar.”
Theresa slapped my shoulder. “Good for you,goddamn it. Right on!”“Anyway, when Grant got there she apologizedfor taking out her anger at her brother’s death on
everybody else.”
Theresa nodded. “Good.”
I shook my head. “Well, it wasn’t enough, really.
She wouldn’t say she was sorry for the racist shit she
said. Grant shook Ed’s hand. Ed told me to let it go
for now.”
Theresa jiggled my arm. “Did you and Ed talk?”
I smiled. “Yeah, we went over to her house
afterward. I told Edwin I love her—she’s my friend.

I said the world was changing faster than I am
and I needed to do some catching up in order tounderstand. Ed talked to me for a couple of hours.”
Theresa began kneading my shoulders. It felt sodamn good. “What did she talk about?”
I tried to remember. “So much stuff that it’s
hard for me to put it all together and tell you. You
know, I always fall back on assuming that what Ed
and I deal with every day as butches is pretty muchthe same, you know? Ed reminded me about what she
faces every day that I don’t.”
Theresa smiled and nodded. “What did yousay?”
I shook my head. “I didn’t say anything. I
listened as hard as I could. Look what Ed gave me.” I
showed Theresa the copy of The Souls of Black Folk by
W.E.B. Du Bois. Theresa read the inscription: To myfriend, Jess—Love, Edwin. Ed dotted the i in her namewith a little heart.
When Theresa looked up I saw tears in her eyes.
She pulled my head down and kissed me all over my
IDFH´,ORYH\RXWRR-HVVµVKHZKLVSHUHGLQP\HDUŶŶŶ

Theresa and I both heard the commotion outside thebar at once. She put down her beer bottle and ran
outside. I grabbed our bottles in case we needed tobreak them to use as weapons. We both stopped dead
LQRXUWUDFNVRXWVLGH-XVWLQHZDVRQKHUNQHHV$FRS
stood over her. His club hung loosely at his side. I saw
WKHEORRGVWUHDPLQJGRZQWKHVLGHRI -XVWLQH·VIDFH
,WZDVDVXOWU\KRWHYHQLQJLQ-XO\$QXPEHURI 
people had drifted outside the bar in order to drink
their beers. Two cop cars were parked in front of thebar. Four cops faced us. “Get inside, all of you,” oneof the cops barked. None of us moved.
7KHFRSVWDQGLQJRYHU-XVWLQHJUDEEHGDKDQGIXO
of her hair. “On your feet,” he ordered. She stumbled
as she tried to rise and fell back onto the concrete.
Theresa slipped off her high heels. “Take yourhands off her,” Theresa told the cop. Her voice was
low and calm. “Leave her alone.” Theresa walked
slowly toward the cop with the high heels at her
sides. I held my breath. Georgetta took off both her
stilettos and held one in each hand. She walked overto Theresa. They exchanged a look I couldn’t see andstood side by side.
The cop put his hand on his gun butt. Somehow
we all knew instinctively that none of the butches
should move.
Stone Butch Blues139

I heard Peaches’ voice. “What’s goin’ on out
here?” We glanced at each other. “Uh-oh,” she said.
Theresa’s voice was low like a moan. “Leave heralone.” She and Georgetta inched forward until theyÁDQNHG-XVWLQH7KHUHVD·VDUPGUDSHGDFURVV-XVWLQH·V
KXQFKHGVKRXOGHUV-XVWLQHJUDEEHG7KHUHVDDQG
Georgetta’s arms and pulled herself to her feet. When-XVWLQHZREEOHG7KHUHVDZUDSSHGRQHDUPDURXQG
her waist to steady her.
The cop unholstered his gun. “You fucking slut,”he sputtered at Theresa. “You fucking perverts,” heshouted at all of us.
Another cop pulled on his arm. “C’mon, let’s getout of here.” Slowly, the four cops retreated.
I exhaled as the cops drove away. Theresa and*HRUJHWWDKHOG-XVWLQHLQWKHLUDUPVDVVKHFULHG
I started to rush to Theresa but Peaches wrapped
her arm around my shoulder. “Give ’em a minute,
honey.” She advised.
We formed a larger circle around them. Theresa
turned and fell into my arms. I could feel her body
trembling. “Oh god, are you OK?” I whispered into
her hair.
She buried her face in my neck. “I’m not sureyet. I’ll let you know in a few minutes.”“I thought he was gonna shoot you,” I told her.
140

Leslie Feinberg

7KHUHVDQRGGHG´,ZDVVRVFDUHG-HVVµI smiled. “I’m so proud of you.”
Theresa studied my face. “Really? I was afraid
you’d think it was a really stupid thing to do.”I shook my head. “You were really brave.”“I was very scared,” she sighed.
I smiled. “Somebody once told me that being
brave means doing what you gotta do even though
you’re scared.”
7KHUHVDORRNHGXSDWPH´'R\RXJHWVFDUHG-HVV"µHer question stunned me. “Are you kidding? I’mscared all the time.”
She nodded. “I thought you must be, but this is
WKHÀUVWWLPH\RX·YHHYHUVDLGLWWRPHµ“Really? Don’t I talk to you about how I feel?”
Theresa bit her lower lip and shook her head.
My face burned. “I thought you knew.”She nodded. “I do know—sometimes, most of
the time. But you never talk about it.”I sighed. “I don’t have any words, honey. I don’tknow how to talk about what I feel. I don’t know if I
even feel things like other people do.”Peaches gently pulled Theresa away from me.
“C’mon y’all. We’re gonna buy Georgetta and Theresa
drinks till they can’t stand up.”
Ed arrived at the bar twenty minutes later. “Imissed it?” she shouted. “Oh, shit. Why couldn’t I
have been here?”I laughed. “Be glad you weren’t. It could havegone another way. It was right on the edge.”-DQFODSSHGPHRQWKHVKRXOGHU´<HDKEXWWKH
femmes showed them tonight— don’t mess with us.
It was like what happened in Greenwich Village acouple of weeks ago.”
I frowned. “What happened?”“Stonewall!” Grant shouted. I looked at Ed andshrugged.
-DQJULQQHG´7KHFRSVWULHGWRUDLGDEDULQ
*UHHQZLFK9LOODJHEXWWKH\JRWDÀJKWLQVWHDG7KH
drag queens and he-shes really kicked ass.”
Grant laughed. “I heard they tried to burn thebar down with the cops barricaded inside.”
I sighed. “Shit, I wish I had been there.”´<HDKµ(GWKXPSHGKHUÀVWRQWKHEDU´WKDW·V
how I feel about missing what happened tonight.”ŶŶŶ

My friends converged on me the moment I set footinside Abba’s. Ed looked as excited as I was. “Let’s see
the ring!” she said.

I looked around. “Is Theresa here yet?”
Ed shook her head. “Not yet. C’mon, hurry up.”
I pulled the silk handkerchief out of my insidejacket pocket and opened it. The gold band wasstudded with a tiny diamond and two small rubychips. Everyone made the same sound at once. Oooh!
Ed patted me on the shoulder. “How long you
two been together?”“Close to two years.”
Ed laughed. “And how long you had that ring on
layaway?”
I smiled and shrugged. “A long damn time. Is
everybody ready?”(GZLQQRGGHG´-DQDQG)UDQNLHDUHLQWKH
bathroom getting ready. They couldn’t get white
dinner jackets so we all got cream color. Is that OK?”I beamed. “It’s alright with me if they all lookas good as you do.” Ed cuffed my shoulder. I fretted.
“Does everyone know their part?”
Ed laughed. “I’ve been practicing ‘Blue Moon’so much around the house Darlene said her Valentine
present could be to never hear that song again.”)UDQNLHDQG-DQFDPHRXWRI WKHEDWKURRP
“Holy cow,” I called over to them. “You guys lookgreat!” It was the truth. They beamed.
Peaches pushed her way through the crowd.
“Look!” she smiled proudly. She held up a huge
Stone Butch Blues141

FDUGERDUGIXOOPRRQSDLQWHGEOXH3HDFKHVÁLSSHGLW
over—the other side was gold. I did a double take.
“How come the face of the man in the moon looks
so much like you, Peaches?”Peaches drew herself up to her full height.
“Where do you see a damn man? The moon isfemme, child—high-in-the-sky femme—and don’t
you forget it.”
I checked my watch. “Damn. Theresa will behere any minute.”-DQDQG0HJKHDGHGVWUDLJKWIRUPH7KH\
ORRNHGXSVHW0HJVSRNHÀUVW´2K-HVV,IHHODZIXO
about this.”
My stomach clenched. “What?”
Meg rubbed her forehead. “I set up the
SKRQRJUDSKLQWKHEDFN-DQZDVJRQQDUHKHDUVHWKDW
dip-di-dip thing at the beginning. The needle slid across
WKHUHFRUG$WÀUVWZHWKRXJKWLWZDV2.EXWLW·Vnot.”
I looked at Ed. “What’s she saying?”“Um,” Ed winced, “I think she’s saying we don’t
have music.”“What!” I panicked. “Oh man, this is all fucked
up now.”-DQWRRNPHE\WKHVKRXOGHUVDQGWXUQHGPH
WRIDFHKHU´-HVVWDNHDGHHSEUHDWKµ,GLG´7KLVLV
142

Leslie Feinberg

Valentine’s Day. That’s a high femme holy holiday.
You been planning this thing for a long time now. Are
you gonna let it all go down the drain?”
I pouted. “What the fuck can I do?”
-DQVPLOHG´<RXFDQVLQJWR\RXUJLUOµ“You mean really sing? In my own voice?”
Ed nodded emphatically. “Yeah! We can give you anice do-wah-do backup.”´-DQµ,SOHDGHG´,FDQ·WVLQJZRUWKDGDPQµ-DQVPLOHG´,NQRZ%XWWKLVZKROHWKLQJLV
about having the guts to tell Theresa how much you
love her. Edna once told me there’s nothing a butch
can do to prove her love more than to risk looking
foolish. I’m not saying I can do it, but I’m passingthat along.”:KDWVFDUHGPHZDV,NQHZ-DQZDVULJKWDQG,
knew I was going to do it.
-XVWLQHNLVVHGPHRQWKHFKHFN´7KHUHVD·VKHUHµ
she whispered in my ear.
)UDQNLH-DQDQG(GWRRNWKHLUSRVLWLRQVLQIURQW
of the bar. I hid behind it. Meg knelt down next tome. “I’m sorry, kid,” she said.
I waved my hand. “Forget about it. If I live
through this, I could care less.”$IWHUDORQJVLOHQFH-DQ·VYRLFHERRPHGRXW6KH
remembered every dip-di-dip and dinga-dong-ding beforeshe slid into a deep bass Blue Moooonnn.
I emerged from behind the bar. It was the lookon Theresa’s face that gave me the courage to raise
my voice: You saw me standing alone. My voice cracked
and pitched with embarrassment and emotion.
Theresa chewed her lower lip and cried.
Do-wah-do, my friends backed me up. Peaches
stood behind me, waving the painted blue moon backand forth in a wide arc over my head.
But then you suddenly appeared before me, I extended
my hand toward Theresa. And when I looked the moon
had turned to gold! 3HDFKHVÁLSSHGWKHPRRQWRWKH
gold side. Everyone cheered. Peaches curtsied andcontinued swaying with the moon.
7KHUHVDUHDFKHGIRUPH,ÀQLVKHGWKHVRQJ
dancing in her arms.
I realized it was true, I wasn’t alone. I had loveof my own.
Do-wah-do, the chorus was soft and smooth.
I pulled the handkerchief from my breast pocket
and opened it carefully. Theresa lost it when she saw
the ring. I cried, too. The moment really was perfect. I
VOLGWKHULQJRQKHUÀQJHU,KDGDVSHHFKDOOSUHSDUHG
about how much she meant to me but I couldn’t
remember the words. “I love you,” I told her. “I love
you so damn much.”“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened tome,” Theresa whispered. She took my left hand inhers and ran her thumb lightly over the scar on my
ULQJÀQJHU´,ZDQW\RXWRZHDUDEDQGWRRµ
I shook my head sadly. “I thought about it, but
I’d be too scared. I think if the cops ever took thatring from me I’d just go berserk.”
Theresa touched her cheek. “If you’re afraid tolose what you love, you’ll never be able to let go andfeel it. I’ll put all my love for you in a ring if you’ll
wear it. And if someone ever takes it from you, allthey’ll be able to steal is a metal band. Then I’ll go out
and get you another ring and put all my love in that
RQH7KDWZD\\RX·OOQHYHUORVHLW-HVV2."µ
I nodded and buried my face in her neck. Dowah-do, everyone in the whole bar sang to us as weswayed to their music.
It was the sweetest moment of my life.

Stone Butch Blues

143

13
THE POLICE REALLY STEPPED UP theirharassment after the birth of gay pride. Cops
scribbled down our license plate numbers andphotographed us as we entered the bars. We held
regular dances at a new gay bar, using police radios
to alert everyone when the cops were about to raid
us. We heard about weekly gay liberation and radical
women’s meetings at the university, but Theresa was
the only one in our crowd who knew her way aroundcampus. It was still another world to the rest of us.
Everything was changing so fast. I wondered if thiswas the revolution.
One day I came home from work and found
Theresa stewing in anger at the kitchen table. Someof the lesbians from a newly formed group on
campus had mocked her for being a femme. They
told her she was brainwashed. “I’m so bad,” Theresa

thumped the table. “They told me that butches weremale chauvinist pigs!”
I knew what male chauvinist meant, but I
FRXOGQ·WÀJXUHRXWZKDWLWKDGWRGRZLWKXV´'RQ·W
they know we don’t deal the shit, we get shit on?”
“They don’t care, honey. They’re not going to let
us in.”´6KRXOG-DQDQG*UDQWDQG(GZLQDQG,JRWR
one of these meetings and try to explain?”
Theresa put her hand on my arm. “It won’t help,
honey. They’re very angry at butches.”“Why?”She thought about the question. “I think it’s
because they draw a line—women on one side andmen on the other. So women they think look likemen are the enemy. And women who look like me aresleeping with the enemy. We’re too feminine for theirtaste.”“Wait a minute,” I stopped her. “We’re too
masculine and you’re too feminine? Whatdya have to
GRSXW\RXULQGH[ÀQJHUVLQDPHWHUDQGWHVWLQWKH
middle?”Theresa patted my arm. “Things are changing,”
she said.
“Yeah,” I told her, “but sooner or later they’llchange back.”“Things don’t change back,” she sighed, “theyjust keep changing.”
I slapped the table. “Then fuck those people.
Who needs them, anyway?”
Theresa frowned and played with my hair. “I
QHHGWKHPRYHPHQW-HVV$QGVRGR\RX5HPHPEHU
you once told me about a factory you worked where
the guys didn’t want the butches to come to the union
meetings?”
I nodded. “Yeah, so?”She smiled. “You told me Grant said to hell
with the union. But you knew the union was a goodthing. You said what was wrong was keeping out the
butches. You tried to organize to get the butches into
the union, remember?”
Theresa held me tight against the warmth of her

body and kissed my hair. She gave me time to think
about what she’d said, instead of shooting off mymouth. I felt scared, so I got up and started making
dinner. Theresa just sat at the kitchen table looking
out over our backyard.
ŶŶŶI wished we hadn’t traveled to meet friends at the barin Rochester that weekend. If we’d just stayed home,
I wouldn’t have gotten busted. But that was wishful
thinking.
,OD\RQDSUHFLQFWFHOOÁRRUDORQHLQDVWUDQJH
city, my mouth pressed against the cold concrete. I
wondered if I was close to death because I seemed
to be drifting away from the world. Only two things
tethered me to life—one was the feel of the coldstone against my lips, the other was the faint strainsof a Beatles tune coming from a radio somewhere in
the jail. She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I drifted in and out of consciousness. Theresa
was propping me up against a brick wall in the
precinct parking lot and assessing the damage with
KHUH\HV6KHFKHZHGKHUOLSDQGÀQJHUHGWKHEORRG\places on my shirt. “I’ll never get these stains out.”
She held my head on her lap all the way back.
Stone Butch Blues

145

+HUÀQJHUWLSVVWURNHGP\KDLUDVVKHGURYHSXOOHGP\head gently into her lap as she braked.
And then I was in our home again. Theresa wasin the next room. I settled into the warm, soapy bathwater and leaned my head against the porcelain. Only
my head existed, above the bubbles. The comfort
softened me, but I could feel panic gnawing in mygut. Every time I came near its borders I was hurledback. Fear choked me. I needed Theresa to come andhelp me, but I couldn’t call out to her—my throat
constricted, strangling me.
My teeth ached. When I pushed against one ofthem with my tongue, it popped out and lay in mypalm like a Chiclet in a tiny pink puddle of my own
blood. I climbed out of the tub quickly, sloshingwater over the sides. I slipped on the tile, lifted thetoilet lid, and vomited.
As I looked in the mirror I felt sorry for theUHÁHFWLRQ³EORRG\EUXLVHGOXPS\,ULQVHGRXWP\
mouth with toothpaste and a handful of water. My
legs quivered.
Theresa had left clean white underwear on topof the toilet tank. I dried off and slipped on a pairof BVDs. I’d just pulled the T-shirt over my head
when Theresa opened the bathroom door. “I, um,
just wanted to see if we have bandaids,” she said.
146

Leslie Feinberg

And then the terrifying image I had held back cameÁRRGLQJLQWRWKHIURQWRI P\PLQGWKHPHPRU\RI 
Theresa’s face when I was arrested. In her eyes I had
seen the pain of being overpowered and helpless. It
was the way I felt almost every day of my life.
I pushed the memory back down as Theresa
stood in the bathroom, searching my face with hergaze. Her eyes were red-rimmed and moist. My own
eyes felt dry as dust. My breath came slow and easy, as
though I was inhaling and exhaling molasses, not air.
Theresa touched my face with her hand, turning myhead slightly to study the swelling around my mouth.
I had no words. If I could have possibly
found them, I would have brought them to her.
%XW,FRXOGQ·WÀQGZRUGV,ZDWFKHGWKHSDWWHUQRI 
emotions on Theresa’s face shift like sand dunes in
WKHZLQG6KHFRXOGQ·WÀQGZRUGVHLWKHU:KDWZRXOG
her words sound like, resonating in the air?
Theresa bit her lower lip and squeezed her eyes
shut. I sat down on the toilet seat. Theresa cleaned
the wound on my mouth with peroxide. “I’m goingWRXVHWZREDQGDLGVµVKHWROGPH´-XVWWREHVDIH
It might need stitches.” I shook my head slowly. No
hospital. I needed gentleness and safety. Theresa gaveme both. She took me to bed, held me, caressed me,
UDQKHUÀQJHUVWKURXJKP\KDLUDQGFULHGI awoke later and realized Theresa wasn’t next
to me. It was still dark outside. I staggered to the
kitchen. My body hurt, but I knew the worst stiffness
and pain would come a day later.
Theresa sat at the kitchen table, with her headin her hands. I noticed the level of whiskey left in thebottle. I pulled her head against my belly and stroked
her hair. “I’m sorry,” she kept repeating. “I’m sosorry.” She lurched to her feet and fell heavily against
me. I felt the frustration building in her body likea storm. I heard it in the small strangulated sounds
from her throat.
6KHSRXQGHGPHZLWKKHUÀVWV´,FRXOGQ·WVWRS
them. They cuffed me so fast. I just couldn’t doanything,” she cried.
That’s exactly how I felt. We really were in thislife together. We might not have the words, but weboth knew exactly what we were choking on. There
were so many things I wanted to tell her in thatmoment. Feelings worked themselves up to my throat
DQGWKHQVWXFNWKHUHFOHQFKHGOLNHDÀVWI kissed Theresa’s sweaty forehead. “It’s OK,”
I whispered. “It’ll be alright.” We both smiled at theirony of my words. I took her hand and led her backto our bed. The sheets were cool. The night sky wasÀOOHGZLWKVWDUV7KHUHVDORRNHGXSDWPHKHUIDFH
soft and caring.

For a moment I almost told Theresa I was afraid
I couldn’t go on much longer—even with her love.
Emotions moved from my throat to my mouth; thewords banged against the back of my teeth. And thenthey ebbed. Theresa asked me a question with her
H\HV,KDGQRDQVZHUV,FRXOGÀQGQRWKLQJWRVD\Since I had no words to bring the woman I loved somuch, I gave her all my tenderness.
ŶŶŶ

I found Theresa in the bathroom splashing her facewith cold water. Her eyes were red and swollen fromtear gas. I tried to hold her tight, but she was excited.
She pulled away and started to tell me about what had
happened on campus. All the words tumbled out on
top of each other.
“The students called a strike. They took over thecampus and Main Street. The cops were everywherein riot gear. I stuck around but the tear gas got so bad
I couldn’t see. My friend Irma found me and droveme home. Looks like I’m not going to work for awhile.”
I shook my head in amazement. “Won’t you getin trouble if you don’t punch in?”
Theresa smiled and patted my cheek. “Would
Stone Butch Blues

147

you cross a picket line?” she asked me. “Come into
the kitchen, I want to show you something.”
I made coffee while Theresa unrolled something
she’d brought home. “Which of these posters do you
like better?” Theresa asked me.
I held one up. “Do you know what this looks
like?”
Theresa nodded. “That’s what it is.”I did a double take. “Aren’t there laws against
that?”
Theresa laughed gently. “What a prude! Whatabout this one?” It was a picture of two naked
women wrapped in each other’s arms. I read thewords out loud: “Sisterhood—make it real. What doesthat mean?”
7KHUHVDVPLOHG´7KLQNDERXWLW-HVV,WPHDQV
women need to stick together. Can we put it up on
the wall?”I shrugged. “Sure, I guess. You’re really getting
into this women’s lib stuff, aren’t you?”
Theresa sat me on a kitchen chair and plopped
down on my lap. She pushed the hair out of myeyes. “Yeah,” she said, “I am. I’m realizing a lot ofthings about my own life—about being a woman—that I never even thought about until the women’s
movement.”
148

Leslie Feinberg

I listened to her. “I don’t feel it so much,” I told
her. “Maybe ’cause I’m a butch.”
She kissed my forehead. “Butches need women’sliberation, too.”
I laughed. “We do?”Theresa nodded. “Yes, you do. Anything that’s
good for women is good for butches.”“Yeah,” she said. “And another thing.”
I sighed wearily. “Uh-oh.”Theresa smiled. “When a woman tells me, ‘If I
wanted a man I’d be with a real one,’ I tell her, ‘I’m
not with a fake man, I’m with a real butch.’” I beamedwith pride. “But,” Theresa added, “that doesn’t meanthat butches can’t learn a thing or two from thewomen’s movement about how to respect femmes.”
I slid Theresa off my lap. “Hey, what are you
talking about?” I got up and started washing dishes.
She turned me around by my shoulder. “I
mean,” she continued, “that it’s time for women to
start looking at how we treat each other. Femmes
need to work on it with each other, too.”It was a momentary reprieve, but I took it.
“What do femmes need to learn?”
Theresa thought for a moment. “How to stick
together. How to be loyal to each other.”“Hmm.” I weighed the information. “OK, what

do butches need to learn?”
Theresa pushed me back against the sink. “Thenext time all you butches are sitting around talking at
the bar, listen to how many times you hear the words
chicks or broads or hooters or headlights.”
Theresa leaned her body against me.
“Honey? You know how sometimes you say ‘I’ll
never understand women’? Well, think about it,
sweetheart—you are a woman. So what are you reallysaying? It’s sort of like a gun with a barrel that’s
open on both ends. When you shoot it, you end up
wounding yourself at the same time.”
I turned and washed dishes in silence. Theresa
wrapped her arms around me. “Honey?” she nudged.
“I’m listening. I’ll think about it.” I paused
for a long moment. “Hey, wait a minute.” I turned
around and faced her. “I’m not the one who says I’ll
never understand women. I say I’ll never understandfemmes.”7KHUHVDVPLOHGDQGKRRNHGKHUÀQJHUWKURXJKthe belt loop on my jeans and pulled my pelvis against
hers.
“Oh, baby,” she whispered seductively, “you’reright about that.”ŶŶŶ

Surprise! 2XUOLYLQJURRPZDVÀOOHGZLWKIULHQGV
“Happy birthday, honey,” Theresa beamed. The
smile faded from her face. She held my head gently
and turned it. The cut over my eye looked worse thanit really was.
Theresa calmly took me by the hand. “C’mon,
let’s clean that up.” I sat on the toilet seat. She dabbed
at the cut. “What happened?”
I shrugged. “Three guys outside the 7-11. They
were drunk.”“Are you OK?” she asked.
I smiled. “Yes and no.”She taped over the cut with two bandaids.
“Maybe this party wasn’t such a good idea,” shesighed.
I grabbed her hand. “What? All the people I lovein one room when I need them?”
Theresa kissed my forehead. She lifted my hand
and turned it over. My knuckles were bloody andswollen. She smiled. “Right on, honey! I hope you
fucked ’em up good.”
I shrugged. “It was three against one, but they
were really, really drunk. I did the best I could.”
Theresa pulled my face gently against her
Stone Butch Blues

149

belly. She kissed my hair and smoothed it with herÀQJHUWLSV´<RXGRUHDOJRRGEDE\µIt was a great party. The mood was no longer
boisterous, but we could each taste and feel how
much we meant to each other.
-DQOHDQHGDJDLQVWWKHVLGHRI WKHUHIULJHUDWRU,
got out two beers and offered her one. “You alright?”
she asked.
I wanted to tell her that I didn’t think I was
alright at all. It was so hard to be different. The
pressure never let up for a minute. I felt all messed up
inside and bone weary. That’s what I wanted to tellher. But the words wouldn’t come.
I shrugged. “I’m twenty-one today and I feel
old.”
,FRXOGVHHWKHVDGQHVVLQ-DQ·VVPLOH´<RX·YH
been through a lot. There’s some age you can’t countby years. You know how they cut a slice from a tree
and count the rings? You got a lot of rings insidethat trunk of yours. You know what? I think it’s time
I stopped calling you kid. You stopped being a kid along time ago.”
I nodded. Ed came up behind me and slid her
arm across my shoulder. “Happy birthday, buddy.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her
close.
150

Leslie Feinberg“Hey,” Grant shouted at us. “You’re all standing
in front of the refrigerator. What do I have to do to
get a beer around here?”“You have to give me a hug,” I demanded.
“Oh, c’mere,” she laughed and put her arm
around me. “Now gimme a beer.”
I could hear the sound of Tammy Wynette’s
voice singing “Stand By Your Man.” I found Theresain the living room and reached out my hand to her.
Her body settled against mine. We moved together
WRWKHPXVLF6KHUDQKHUÀQJHUVWKURXJKWKHEDFN
of my hair. I pulled her close, asking her body for
comfort. She gave it to me. Her arms felt like the only
safe haven on earth. “Baby,” she whispered, “are you
OK?”“Yeah,” I answered. “I’m alright.”ŶŶŶ“Hi, honey,” Theresa stood in the kitchen door.
I crossed my arms. “Dinner’s ruined.” Theresacame toward me with her arms extended. I ducked
them. “Where were you?”“Oh, baby,” Theresa kissed my neck. “You
forgot I was going to that meeting tonight after work,
didn’t you?”“What meeting?” I pouted. “You still trying
WRÀJKW\RXUZD\LQWRIHPLQLVWPHHWLQJV"µ7KDWKLW
home, as was intended.
“No, it was to raise support for the Indiansat Wounded Knee. I would have thought you’d besympathetic to that.” Theresa scored a direct hit. She
softened her tone. “Still no work, baby?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. I never thought thejobs would dry up for this long. My unemployment
UXQVRXWLQÀYHPRUHZHHNVµTheresa nodded and stroked my hair. “We’ll
manage.”“Not if you keep ruining the dinners I’m
cooking you. See if I slave over a hot stove for you
anymore.”“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” she whispered. “It’llbe OK. You’ll get a job soon, you’ll see.”She was wrong. By 1973 it seemed as though
everyone we knew was laid off.
Theresa lost her job at the university. Thatdashed our hopes of taking a vacation together—and
we sure needed it. The months of me scouring forwork and money getting tighter were taking their toll
on us. We had to get away, but all our escape routes
seemed blocked.
“I don’t even want to go on vacation,” I told
Theresa.

“Are you crazy?” she shouted. “We’re gonna go
nuts if we don’t get out of here. We never go out, wenever do anything.”
I slumped at the kitchen table. “It’s getting too
scary out there, Theresa. It feels like it’s getting worse.
I hate to even go outside anymore.”
Theresa sat down at the kitchen table. “You’redepressed, that’s all. That’s just another reason why
we need to get away from here.”
I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. “I’m tellingyou, it’s getting worse out there.”
Theresa slapped the tabletop. “It’s always been
hard. When has it ever been easier?”“I don’t fucking believe it!” I shouted. “I’mtrying to tell you I can’t take it anymore, and you’resaying I’m going under?”Theresa leaned back in her chair and searched
P\IDFHZLWKKHUH\HV´-HVV,GLGQ·WVD\\RXZHUH
going under.” The words echoed in the silence of the
kitchen. I stood up and walked toward the bedroom.
´-HVVZDLWDPLQXWH:KHUHDUH\RXJRLQJ"µ“To bed,” I told her. “I’m really tired.”ŶŶŶ

Stone Butch Blues151

When I arrived at the temp agency at dawn, I saw
two men leaning up against the entrance to the laborRIÀFHRQ&KLSSHZD6WUHHW“Hey, bulldagger,” the dark-haired man called tome. His friend laughed. They were both drunk. There
must not be any jobs inside again.
The blond man squeezed his crotch. “I got somework here for you, bulldagger. It’s a big job, you think
you can handle it?” I pushed past their laughter.
“Hi, Sammy.” I called out to the dispatcher.
He smiled apologetically. “You want to wait
DURXQG-HVV"0D\EHE\ZH·OOQHHGDFRXSOHRI 
JX\Vµ,ZRQGHUHGLI ,ÀWLQWRWKDWZRUNFDWHJRU\³
one of the guys.
I looked around at the men who were waiting
IRUZRUN6RPHVWDUHGLQWRVSDFHWKHLUQRQÀOWHU
cigarettes burning dangerously close to their tobaccoVWDLQHGÀQJHUV2WKHUVJODUHGDWPHZLWKKHDY\OLGGHG
anger. I had done nothing to them, but at the moment
I was the nearest person to hate.
“Naw, Sammy. Call me later if you got anything.
OK?”
Sammy nodded and waved. “Maybe tomorrow,-HVVµ“Yeah, maybe tomorrow.”
I began to shore myself up to walk past the twomen who I knew were waiting for me outside. As I
152

Leslie Feinberg

passed them, the dark-haired man hurled an empty
pint bottle of rum at my feet. I fell backward, against
the brick wall, startled.
“You fucking he-shes. You stole our jobs,” heshouted as I hurried away. I wondered who I could
blame.
That night I awoke from a dream. Moonlightilluminated our bedroom. I wanted to go back to the
dream, but I was wide awake. I was still immersed in
the feel of it.
In the dream I was walking through a town. All the
ZLQGRZVZHUHVKDWWHUHG7KHUHZDVQRVLJQRI OLIH,FRXOGQ·WÀQG
people. No dogs barked. Everything was silent.
7KHWRZQZDVVXUURXQGHGE\ÀHOGVDQGZRRGV,IROORZHGD
trail of wispy smoke in the sky above the forest. I found a hut inDVPDOOFOHDULQJ$VPDOOÀUHEXUQHGLQVLGH,FUDZOHGLQVLGHWKH
KXWRQDOOIRXUV,SUHVVHGP\FKHHNWRWKHZDUPHDUWKÁRRUQHDUWKHÀUHDQGZDLWHG
All the drag queens were there: Justine and Peaches andGeorgetta. Butch Al was there, and Ed. There were a few otherpeople nearby, but shadows covered their faces. I discovered Rocco
sitting next to me. She reached forward and stroked my cheek. I
touched my own face. I felt the rough stubble of beard. I ran my
KDQGDFURVVWKHÁDWSODLQRI P\FKHVW,IHOWKDSS\LQP\ERG\comfortable among friends.
“Where’s the others?” I asked.

Justine nodded. “Everyone’s going in different directions.”$VHQVHRI ORVVZDVKHGRYHUPH´:H·OOQHYHUÀQGHDFKother again.”
3HDFKHVODXJKHGJHQWO\´:H·OOÀQGHDFKRWKHUFKLOG'RQ·W
you worry.”
I leaned forward and squeezed Peaches’ hand in mine.
“Please don’t forget me. Please don’t any of you forget me. I don’t
want to disappear.”
Peaches put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me
closer. “You’re one of us, child. You always will be.”I felt panicky. “Do I really belong here with you?”Affectionate laughter rose to answer my question. One by one
each person in the hut hugged me. I felt safe and loved in theirarms.
I looked up. The hut had no roof. The stars winked on
DQGRII OLNHÀUHÁLHV7KHDLUZDVFRRODQGVFHQWHGZLWKHXFDO\SWXV,FURVVHGP\OHJVLQIURQWRI WKHÀUHDQGZDUPHGP\VHOI LQ
pleasure.
“Where’s Theresa?” I asked.
I woke up without hearing the answer.
“Honey, wake up. Please.” I shook Theresa
gently.
She lifted her head off the pillow. “What is it,-HVV":KDW·VZURQJ"µ“I just had this really amazing dream.” Theresa
rubbed her eyes. “I was in a place that felt very old,
RXWLQWKHZRRGV,ZDVZLWK3HDFKHVDQG-XVWLQH

and Georgetta. And Rocco was sitting next to me.” I
didn’t know how to describe the feeling of the dreamto Theresa. “I felt like I belonged with them, you
know?”
I could feel Theresa’s hand sweep once gently
across the back of my T-shirt, then she began to drift
back to sleep. “Theresa,” I shook her, insistently. She
moaned. “I forgot to tell you this part. In the dream,KDGDEHDUGDQGP\FKHVWZDVÁDW,WPDGHPHVR
happy. It was like a part of me that I can’t explain,
you know?”
Theresa shook her head. “What’s it mean,
honey?”
I crushed my cigarette. “It was about something
old in me. It was about growing up different. All mylife I didn’t want to feel different. But in the dream
I liked it and I was with other people who weredifferent like me.”Theresa nodded. “But you told me that’s how
you felt when you found the bars.”
I thought about it for a moment. “That’s true. It
was like that. But in the dream it wasn’t about being
gay. It was about being a man or a woman. Do you
know what I mean? I always feel like I have to prove
I’m like other women, but in the dream I didn’t feelthat way. I’m not even sure I felt like a woman.”
Stone Butch Blues

153

The moonlight illuminated Theresa’s frown.
“Did you feel like a man?”
I shook my head. “No. That’s the strange part.
I didn’t feel like a woman or a man, and I liked how I
was different.”
Theresa didn’t respond right away. “You’re going
WKURXJKDORWRI FKDQJHVULJKWQRZ-HVVµ“Yeah, but what do you think about my dream?”
Theresa tossed a pillow at me. “I think weshould go back to sleep.”
Whatever kind of response I’d wanted from
Theresa, that wasn’t it. But the subject wasn’t put torest so easily.
Toward the end of the summer Edwin and*UDQWFDPHRYHUWRRXUKRXVH-DQGURSSHGE\ODWHUZLWKVRPHVKRSSLQJEDJV-DQDQGKHUQHZORYHU
Katie, looked real uncomfortable, like they’d beenÀJKWLQJ
“This is a real crisis,” Grant stressed. “We either
got to change how we look or we’re gonna starve todeath! Katie got some wigs and some makeup. There’s
DIHZMREVOLNHLQWKHGHSDUWPHQWVWRUHV-HVXV,
don’t know about you, but I need work. It’s only fora while, until the plants reopen.” Katie and Theresa
retreated to the kitchen.
Four stone butches trying on fashion wigs.
154

Leslie Feinberg

It was like Halloween, only it was creepy and painful.
The wigs made us look like we were making fun ofourselves.
Grant told me, “I put one on, now it’s your turn,-HVVµ(GZLQVKRRNKHUKHDGZKLOHVKHKHOGXSD
mirror for me to see.
,WKUHZWKHZLJRQWKHÁRRU´,ORRNPRUHOLNHD
he-she with the wig on than with a goddamn DA.”
“Well, have it your own damn way,” Grant yelled.
“Leave me alone, Grant,” I shouted back at her.
“You think you’re the only one who’s scared?”
Grant faced me nose to nose. “What the fuckam I gonna do if I get evicted, huh?”,GLGQ·WZDQWWRÀJKWZLWKKHU´/RRN*UDQW
If it works for you then do it. But nobody’s gonna
hire me with that fucking wig on. And makeup’s notgonna do it, either. I need a bushel basket to hide who
I am.”-DQJRWXSDQGOHIWMXVWOLNHWKDW(GZHQWLQWR
WKHNLWFKHQWRWHOO.DWLHWKDW-DQKDGOHIW*UDQWDQG,
grudgingly shook hands.
“Honey,” I said to Theresa, “if you don’t mind,(GDQG*UDQWDQG,DUHJRQQDORRNIRU-DQDQGPD\EH
grab a couple of beers, OK?” I knew Theresa wanted
me to stay, but Katie was real upset, too, so Theresa
just nodded.

The four of us sat in silence around the tablein the backroom of a neighborhood bar on the West
6LGH,WZDVSUHWW\HPSW\-DQ*UDQW(GZLQDQG,
didn’t look at each other. We stared at our beer bottles
as though the answers we searched for could befound there.
“I’ve been dreaming a lot lately,” I said. “I had
this nightmare last night that I was being chased bysomething to the edge of a cliff. I’m scared of what’s
coming behind me; I don’t know what’s ahead of me.
And suddenly I decide I’d rather jump than wait for it
to catch up to me.”“What’s it mean?” Grant asked me.
“You know,” I told her.
Grant shrugged. “I know how it feels. I don’tknow what it means.”
I looked at Ed. She knew what I was talking
about. I knew she did. “I’ve been thinking about
Rocco,” I said.
-DQVLJKHGDQGQRGGHG6KHXVHGKHUWKXPEQDLO
to scrape the label off her beer bottle. “I knew that’s
what you were talking about.”
I nodded. “I can’t help thinking maybe I’d besafe, you know?” Ed still wouldn’t look at me.
Grant nodded. “God help me, I’ve been thinking
about it, too. You know Ginni? She got on a sexFKDQJHSURJUDPQRZVKHFDOOVKHUVHOI -LPP\µ

Edwin glared at Grant. “He asked us to call him
he—remember? We ought to do it.”
-DQSXWKHUEHHUERWWOHGRZQRQWKHWDEOH´<HDK
EXW,·PQRWOLNH-LPP\-LPP\WROGPHKHNQHZKH
was a guy even when he was little. I’m not a guy.”
Grant leaned forward. “How do you know that?
How do you know we aren’t? We aren’t real women
are we?”Edwin shook her head. “I don’t know what thehell I am.”
I leaned over and put my arm around hershoulder. “You’re my friend.”
Ed laughed sardonically. “Oh, great. Like I canreally pay my rent with that.”
I smacked her on the shoulder. “Fuck you.”
Grant went to the bar to get another round of
GULQNV-DQZHQWWRWKHEDWKURRP,ZDWFKHGDVVKH
opened the door marked Ladies. No women ran out,
DQGQRPHQUDQLQWRGUDJKHURXWVR,ÀJXUHGVKH
was OK.
Ed punched me on the shoulder. “I’m sorry,”
she said.
“How long we been friends, Ed?” She dropped
her eyes. “So how come you can’t tell me what’s going
RQZLWK\RX"<RXNQRZ,·YHÀJXUHGLWRXWEXW\RX
won’t talk to me.”Stone Butch Blues155

Ed shrugged. “I feel ashamed.”“Ashamed you’re doing it, or just ashamed?”
Grant came back to the table balancing four
EHHUV-DQUHWXUQHGDPRPHQWODWHU(GUXEEHGKHU
eyes over and over again.
“What’s going on?” Grant asked.
I looked at Ed. “It’s no shame,” I told her.
Ed nodded. “Yeah, I know.”“We’re all at this same crossroads, not just you,”
I reminded her. “If you can’t open up to your friend,
who the hell can you talk to?”Ed sighed. “I know I’ve got to talk about it.”“Will somebody tell me what the hell’s going onaround here?” Grant wailed.
Ed sighed. “I started on male hormones. I got
them from this creepy quack.”“Holy shit,” Grant said. “Wow. Hey, how the hell
GLG\RXNQRZ-HVV"µ,VKUXJJHG´<RXUYRLFHLVFKDQJLQJ(G-XVW
a little bit. I can hear it. Besides, I oughta know, I’m
wrestling with the same shit myself.”*UDQWUDSSHGWKHWDEOHZLWKKHUÀVWLQWLPHWR
the music playing on the jukebox. “Hey, Ed. Can
you give me the name of that doctor? I’m not saying
I’m gonna do anything. I wouldn’t mind havingsome options, though. You know what I mean?” Ed
nodded.
156

Leslie Feinberg

I thumped the table in frustration. “I wish I
could talk to Rocco. Does anybody know where sheis?” Heads shook no. “What happens? Does it justlast for a little while? I mean can you go back to being
a butch later, when it’s safe to come out?”
Grant smiled sadly. “I saw this movie once.
It was about this guy with a disease there was no
cure for. So these scientists froze him. Later in the
future they found a cure for the disease so theseother doctors brought him back and cured him. The
RQO\WKLQJZDVKHZDVIURPWKHSDVW+HGLGQ·WÀW
anymore.”I fought back tears. “Yeah, but we’re not sick.”-DQQRGGHGKHUKHDG´<HDKDQGZKDWPDNHV
you think it’ll ever be safe again? It may be over for
people like us. We may be stuck out here forever.”-DQ·VKHDGGURSSHGORZ´0\VLVWHUVD\V,FDQ
move out to Olean with her and her husband. They
run a little dairy. The thing is, they said it’s only OK if
I move out there alone, without Katie. They said they
don’t want their daughters to see anything perverted.”-DQEDQJHGKHUÀVWRQWKHWDEOH´,·PIRUW\IRXU
fucking years old and my little sister’s treating me likeshe’s my mother. It’s not right. None of this is right.”
I nodded. “What are you gonna do?”She shrugged. “I don’t know yet.” She put her
arm around my shoulder. “I’m supposed to be the oldbull. But now I wish I had someone older to talk to.
I wish Butch Ro was still alive. She’d know what weshould do.”,VPLOHGVDGO\´,GRQ·WWKLQNVR-DQ,GRQ·WWKLQNany of us knows what to do.”Grant stood up. “I’m going to buy a case of beerand go home to watch TV. You guys wanna comeRYHU"µ,VKRRNP\KHDG*UDQWDQG-DQOHIWWRJHWKHUEd put on her jacket. “Hey, Ed,” I told her. “We
gotta talk, man. If you don’t talk you’ll explode. And I
really got to talk to you. I’m scared, Ed.”
(GFKHZHGKHUORZHUOLSDQGVWDUHGDWWKHÁRRU
“Remember that book I gave you?”
I hoped she wouldn’t quiz me on it. I’dappreciated the gift, but I hadn’t read it. “Yeah. The
book by Du Bois?”
Ed nodded. “There’s this paragraph I marked foryou. I carry it in my wallet. Read it. That’s how I feel.
I couldn’t say it any better.”I stood so close to her I could smell the delicate
scent of her skin and her hair. “Ed,” I whispered. “I
don’t want to lose you. You’re my friend. I love you somuch.”(GÀUPO\SXVKHGPHDZD\´,JRWWDJRµVKH
said. “I’ll call you.”“Ed, um, what about the name of that doctor?”

Ed sighed and jotted his name and address on abar napkin. “Good luck,” she said.
I punched her shoulder lightly. “Thanks. I needit.”
It wasn’t right, how long I had stayed out. I
came home tanked up, not expecting Theresa to be
waiting for me. She sat so quietly on the couch in thedark I nearly went through the roof when she spoke.
“Where have you been?” Something in her voicefrightened me.
I sat on the couch near her. I wanted to touch
her but I began to realize how angry she was with me.
After a while she reached out and brought my fullweight against her. She was more upset than mad.
“I’m sorry, baby, really,” I told her. “I was only
thinking about myself and I’m sorry.”
She nodded. “Where have you been?”
I didn’t answer for a long time. I was drunk andconfused. “I know where I’ve been, I just don’t know
where I’m going.” It was all I could think to say.
She looked at my face, trying to read all mythoughts and feelings. I don’t know if she found what
she was looking for, but afterward she stroked myhead.
“You remember I told you about Butch Al and-DFTXHOLQH"µ6KHZLQFHG´7KHUHVD,·PEHJLQQLQJWR
feel like I’m going under, too.”
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157

Theresa looked at me. She seemed calm andworried at the same time.
´-DQDQG*UDQWDQG(GDQG,WDONHGPRVWRI WKH
night,” I explained.
“Seems like it,” Theresa smiled. “What’d you talkabout?”“Honey, I can’t survive as a he-she much longer.
I can’t keep taking the system head-on this way. I’m
not gonna make it.” Theresa held me tighter. She
didn’t say a word. “We were talking about maybe
starting on hormones, male hormones. I was thinking
I might try to pass as a guy.”
I waited for Theresa to speak. I could hear her
breathing, deep and even. I stroked her shoulder and
DUPZLWKP\KDQGIHHOLQJWKHGHÀQLWLRQRI HDFK
muscle. “Honey, we’ve got to talk about it,” I said.
She sat in silence with me for a long time. Then she
got up without a word and went to bed.
ŶŶŶ

For weeks we didn’t talk about it. We didn’t talk muchat all. But we found little things to argue about, small
explosions that threatened to ignite big ones.
When I shut down sexually, Theresa could
always melt my stone. But when I turned into one big
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Leslie Feinberg

emotional rock, when I completely shut down like aslab of granite and needed her to chip away until I
was free, she railed against me. It didn’t work. I was
still trapped in stone.
“Talk to me,” she shouted.
“I’m watching TV!” I lied.
She got up and stood in front of the television.
“You’re not talking to me.”I exhaled dramatically in exasperation. “Fine.
Now you want to talk. Great. Let’s talk.” My tone wasÁDWDQGFORVHGOLNHDGRRUVWLOOVODPPHGVKXW“Never mind,” Theresa stormed out of theroom.
I continued to stare at the television. She banged
the bedroom door. Now both our doors were shut.
I snapped off the television and smoked in silence.
The stone walls around me melted, leaving me feelingvulnerable and raw. Now that Theresa had retreatedfrom her frontal assault, I remembered how much I
needed her.
Suddenly I panicked. Maybe I’d already lost her,but I just didn’t realize it. I got up and walked slowly
toward the bedroom. Theresa opened the bedroom
door and walked toward me. We embraced each otherfeverishly. “I’m sorry, baby,” I told her. “When I getlike that I don’t know how to get out of it.”

7KHUHVDVTXHH]HGPHLQKHUDUPV´,NQRZ-HVV
I’m sorry too.”
I could hear the faint strains of Marvin Gaye on
someone’s radio outside. “You know what I wish?” I
asked her. “I wish there was still a gay bar where we
could go dancing, like we used to.”
Theresa sighed. “They have lesbian dances on
campus. I wish we could go there. I wish we could gosomewhere and be welcome.”
We held each other and swayed to the sound.
Theresa pulled slightly away from me. She looked me
XSDQGGRZQZLWKDVPLOHDQGKRRNHGKHUÀQJHULQ
my belt. She gently pulled me toward our bedroom.
Let’s get it on, she sang quietly.
We fought and we made love in order to makeup. It became an alarming pattern.
ŶŶŶ“You’re a woman!” Theresa shouted at breakfast. She
pushed her plate away. Her part-time temp work had
put that meal on the table.
“No, I’m not,” I yelled back to her. “I’m a heshe. That’s different.”
Theresa slapped the table in anger. “That’s aterrible word. They call you that to hurt you.”

I leaned forward. “But I’ve listened. They don’t
call the Saturday-night butches he-shes. It means
something. It’s a way we’re different. It doesn’t justmean we’re … lesbians.”
Theresa frowned. “What’s the matter?”
I shrugged. “Nothing, I just never said that word
before. It sounds so easy when you say it. But to me itsounds too much like lezzie and lesbo. That’s a toughword for me to wrap my tongue around.” Theresa
and I smiled at each other in spite of ourselves.
“Honey,” my tone had changed, “I’ve got to do
VRPHWKLQJ,·YHEHHQÀJKWLQJWRGHIHQGZKR,DP
all my life. I’m tired. I just don’t know how to go on
anymore. This is the only way I can think of I can still
be me and survive. I just don’t know any other way.”
Theresa sat back in her chair. “I’m a woman,-HVV,ORYH\RXEHFDXVH\RX·UHDZRPDQWRR,PDGH
up my mind when I was growing up that I was notgoing to betray my desire by resigning myself tomarrying a dirt farmer or the boy at the service
station. Do you understand?”I shook my head sadly. “Do you wish I wasn’t abutch?”She smiled. “No. I love your butchness. I just
don’t want to be some man’s wife, even if that man’s awoman.”
Stone Butch Blues

159

I turned up my palms. “Then what should I do?”She shook her head. “I just don’t know.”
Theresa asked me to pick up our dry cleaning
and to go grocery shopping while she was at work.
But the moment she left the house, I felt lost. I
wandered into the backyard and knelt down beside
Theresa’s garden.
By the time the sun was directly overhead I was
sitting between the rows of squash blossoms andtomato vines. This garden was a part of Theresa I
didn’t know. And I began to realize this little patch ofground was a postage-stamp memory of the country
soil in which she’d grown. Where was I when Theresa
had planted this garden in the spring? Now it wasoverrun.
I thought about the way things grow in theirseasons and how much takes place underground. I
thought about the things a gardener can’t control, likeweather and critters.
The sound of Theresa’s footsteps in the grassbehind me was familiar, but it startled me nonetheless.
I hadn’t realized it was late afternoon.
I remembered earlier in the summer I’d found
KHUZRUNLQJLQKHUJDUGHQVZHDW\DQGÁXVKHGZLWKheat. I laid her down in the grass nearby and pressed
her body into the dirt with my hips and kissed her
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Leslie Feinberg

mouth until she made small sounds of desire I
recognized.
´-HVV"µ7KHUHVD·VYRLFHLQWHUUXSWHGWKHPHPRU\“What are you doing in my garden?”,VLJKHG´-XVWWKLQNLQJµ“Did you pick up the dry cleaning?” she asked.
“Or the groceries?” I shook my head. “Have you been
sitting there all day?” I nodded.
´'DPQLW-HVVµ7KHUHVDPXWWHUHGDQJULO\DVVKH
walked away. “I could use a little help around here.”ŶŶŶEd and I kept an eye on the guys near us at the bar.
“What’s it like, Ed?” I pressed.
She shrugged. “It’s not much different. Not yet,anyway.” Her voice had deepened. She had wispy
facial hair.
“Can you pass?” I asked her.
Ed shook her head. “It’s like I’m not taken for aman or a woman anymore. They see me as something
in between. That’s scary. I wish I could hurry up andget to the part where they just think I’m a man.”“But Ed, people always act like we’re halfwoman, half-man.”“It’s true. But now they don’t know what I am
DQGLWGULYHVWKHPQXWV,·PWHOOLQJ\RX-HVVLI LW

doesn’t change soon, I can’t take it much longer. I’m
doubling the shots of hormones just to try to make itwork faster.”I put my hand on her shoulder. Two men turned
and looked at us. I dropped my hand. “How’s Darlene
dealing with it?”Ed slowly turned her face toward me. The
sadness in her eyes frightened me. “We don’t talkabout it,” Ed said.
I shook my head in disbelief. “You don’t talkabout it? How can you ignore something that big?
Wait a minute, what am I talking about? Theresa and I
aren’t exactly communicating either.”
Ed and I sat in silence, nursing our beers. I felt
FRPIRUWHGE\KHUSUHVHQFH7KHEDUEHJDQÀOOLQJXS
with men. It was time to leave.
“You know the worst part of not talking to
Theresa,” I said to Ed as we parted, “I really don’teven know what it is I want to say.”
Theresa was already asleep when I got home thatnight. I crawled into bed and curled up against her.
“Theresa,” I whispered, “there’s so many things I’ve
been trying to tell you, but I don’t know how.”
She sighed in her sleep. “I get this feeling that
WKHQH[WÀJKWZLOOWDNHPHGRZQDQG,·OOGLHDQGP\life won’t have meant anything. Some days when

you kiss me goodbye at the door I get so mad at you
because you act like I’m coming home for sure and I
want you to say goodbye to me like we might neversee each other again.”
I bit my lower lip. “I don’t feel like I’m worth
anything. It’s only when you love me that I feel worth
anything at all. And I’m afraid I’m losing you. Whatwould I do if you left me?”
I tried to cry quietly, so I wouldn’t wake her.
“I’m so sorry for the times I’ve been such a jerk. But
I love you so much. Maybe too much. Please don’t
leave me, baby. Please don’t go.”Theresa rolled over and touched my face. I
ZLSHGDZD\P\WHDUV´-HVVGLG\RXVD\VRPHWKLQJ"µ
Theresa’s voice was hoarse with sleep.
“No, honey,” I stroked her hair and kissed hercheek. “Go back to sleep.”ŶŶŶTheresa watched me from the kitchen doorway as I
repotted the spider plant. “There’s a bigger pot under
the sink,” she reminded me.
I shook my head. “This one does better when it’s
rootbound. The more pressure on its roots, the moreit thrives.”
Stone Butch Blues

161

Theresa came up behind me and wrapped herarms around my waist. “Is that like us, honey?” I
didn’t answer. Theresa turned me around to face her.
I couldn’t look her in the eyes. “What is it, baby?” shepressed.
I shrugged. “I don’t think I have feelings likeother people do. Sometimes you want me to talk to\RXDERXWKRZ,IHHODQG,FDQ·WÀJXUHRXWLI ,·POLNH
other people inside. Maybe I don’t have real feelings.”
7KHUHVDGLGQ·WDQVZHUDWÀUVW6KHOD\KHUKHDG
on my shoulder and pulled me close. “Sit down,baby,” she sighed. She pulled a kitchen chair close tomine. “Oh, you have feelings, honey. I think you canfeel love, maybe more than other people.”
She took my hands in hers. “There’s so muchgoing on in your heart it scares me sometimes
because I’m afraid you’ll explode if you don’t havesome sort of safety valve. I think anger is real hardfor you. Maybe your own rage scares you. And I think
humiliation is a rough feeling for anyone to deal with,and I think you feel that way a lot.”
I almost couldn’t stand to listen to her words.
My temperature rose and I felt dizzy. Theresa pulled
me closer and brushed my cheek with her lips. “Takeit easy, honey,” she whispered.
I pulled back. “But maybe I don’t have feelings
like other people. Maybe the way I grew up changed
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Leslie Feinberg

me inside. Maybe I’m like the plant: my feelings got
so choked up that I grew in a different way.”
Theresa smiled as she weighed the thought.
“Yeah, maybe it’s what makes you so sensitive toother people’s feelings. Sometimes you see so muchabout people that it used to make me feel naked
around you.”
I sighed. “Why do feelings have to be such a big
deal?”
Theresa smiled. “You mean your feelings, honey.
You always treat other people’s feelings like they’rea big deal. It’s a hard place for you, sweetheart. But
don’t leave me out here alone.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”“I mean,” Theresa said gently, “that I havefeelings about what happens to us, too. And you’rethe only person I can really go to about them, andsometimes you’re not home. Remember last year
when we went to buy you a new suit?” she asked. I
winced in pain and turned away from the memory.
´-HVVµ7KHUHVDVXPPRQHGPHEDFN´,WZDVD
nightmare. I was there too, remember? We both felt
humiliated. When we got home there was nobody
in the world for me to turn to about it except you.
But you had already shut down, and I knew it would
be days or weeks before you relaxed again. I neededyou.”I stared at my hands, clasped loosely on my lap.
“You know how I feel sometimes, Theresa? Like I
don’t have anything to give you. I would give you
anything that was in my power, but I don’t feel like I
have gifts for you. I mean that. You’re the strong one,you’re the one who holds everything together, you get
us through. All I can do is make love to you.”
7KHUHVDVHSDUDWHGP\KDQGV´-XVWORYHPH-HVVAnd please, please try to let me in sometimes.”“I’ve been trying to tell you what I’ve been
wrestling with lately, but you haven’t wanted to talkabout it.” I shrugged. “I can’t go on much longer
without something changing.”
7KHUHVDVLJKHG´,·PDIHPPH-HVV,ZDQWWR
be with a butch. And I’m starting to feel like part of
the women’s movement, even though I can’t be all
the parts of who I am at the same time. My world’s
expanding.”“Great,” I snorted. “Mine’s shrinking. But thehormones are like the looking glass for me. If I passthrough it, my world could open up, too.”
Theresa shook her head. “I don’t want to be
ZLWKDPDQ-HVV,ZRQ·WGRLWµ“I’d still be a butch,” I protested. “Even on
hormones.” Then I said something I really feared, but
regretted having spoken out loud. “Maybe you’d like it
if I was a guy. It would be easier to be with me.”Theresa leaned back against the chair, thewarmth in her face cooled. “I put on lipstick and highheels and walk down the street arm in arm with you,
-HVV7KLVLVP\OLIHDQG,·PGDPQEUDYHWRORYHZKR
I love. Don’t try to take who I am away from me.”
My chin trembled. “Well, what do you think’s
being taken away from me? What the fuck am I goingto do, Theresa? Tell me, what can I do?”,VDWVWLIÁ\DVVKHZUDSSHGKHUDUPVDURXQG
PH´,GRQ·WNQRZ-HVVµVKHZKLVSHUHG´,MXVWGRQ·W
know anymore.”ŶŶŶ

Theresa and I sat on the couch together for a longtime without talking. We were both worn down andweary from months of low-level arguing and distance.
“You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you?” sheasked. I knew her tone was colder than she meant it
to sound.
I nodded. “Yeah, I sorted through hundreds ofoptions.” I hadn’t meant to sound so sarcastic. “God,
Theresa, I’m so scared. I don’t want to die and I don’tknow how to live. I’m really afraid.”
Theresa pulled me close. She squeezed me sotight I could hardly breathe. “I’d do anything to be
Stone Butch Blues

163

strong enough to protect you,” she said. “I’d doanything if I could only keep you safe with me.” She
SXWKHUÀQJHUVRQP\OLSVWRVLOHQFHPH´0D\EH,GR
understand what you’re saying. I just don’t want toadmit that I think you’re right.”
I was relieved. I tried to hug her, but her bodywas limp. I pulled back to examine her face. She
wasn’t done talking yet.
“I’m scared, too,” she continued. “If I’m notwith a butch everyone just assumes I’m straight. It’s
like I’m passing too, against my will. I’m sick of theworld thinking I’m straight. I’ve worked hard to bediscriminated against as a lesbian.” We both smiled.
“You’ve made your decision,” she said, “Iknow you have. I’m not really surprised. I’ve been
VRGDPQHGDIUDLGIRU\RXµ7KHWHDUVEHJDQWRÁRZ
down her face. I tried to wipe them, but she pushed
my hands back and held them tightly in her own.
´%XW,FDQ·WGRLW-HVV,FDQ·WJRRXWZLWK\RXLQWKH
world and pretend that you’re a man. I can’t pass asa straight woman and be happy. I can’t live as thescared couple in apartment 3G who can’t trust people
enough to have friends. I can’t live like a fugitive with\RX,ZRXOGQ·WEHDEOHWRVXUYLYHLW-HVV3OHDVHWU\WR
understand, sweetheart.”
I pulled away from her. “What are you saying?”
She just shook her head. I stood up slowly. “What are
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Leslie Feinberg

you saying? You won’t stay with me? Why? That’s how
much you love me?”Theresa stood up and moved toward me.
“Please, honey. I can’t. I just can’t stay with you if you
do this.”Rage boiled in my throat. “If you loved me … ”
Theresa’s face was cold and angry. “Don’t you
ever say that to me again.”0\H\HVÀOOHGZLWKDQJU\WHDUV´:HOOLW·VWUXH
isn’t it?”All the steam leaked out of me when Theresa
started to cry. She buried her face in my neck. “It
doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I love you so much I
don’t know what to do. I just can’t go with you. I’mtrying to understand you. Can’t you try to understandme?”
I shook my head. “How come nobody ever givesme any choices in life? I can’t go on living this way,
but you won’t go through the only door that’s open
for me. Thanks a lot.”
Theresa punched me hard in the shoulder. I
grabbed her wrists. We struggled until we fell wearily
against each other. We sat down next to each otheron the couch. “I don’t know how else you’ll survive,”
Theresa said. “I just can’t do it.” My throat tightened.
I hoped I could change her mind. “Don’t try tochange my mind,” she added. She always could readmine. “And I won’t try to change yours, OK?”
I looked at her incredulously. “Please, honey,
don’t leave me now. I’m scared. It’s too hard. Please!”
Theresa jumped to her feet. “Stop it,” shedemanded. It hurt her too much. I pulled myself backin.
I went over to her and gently turned her to faceme. “What do you want me to do?” I asked her.
She said it simply: “You’d better leave.”
It was strange the way I loved her so much andyet felt so far away. “You’re serious?”
She nodded and walked over to the window, as
if she could see out into the darkness. “I’ll pack up
the things you need. Your friends will help you.”
I kept feeling this couldn’t be happening.
“Please,” I said. “Can’t we try? I need you!”“I don’t know what to do either.” Theresa toldPH´,MXVWKDYHWRÀQGP\RZQZD\QRZ,IHHOOLNHI’m going under, too. This time we can’t rescue eachother.”,ORRNHGGRZQDWWKHÁRRU´:KDWLI ,GRQ·WWDNH
the hormones and pass?”“Then you’ll probably be killed on the street or
take your own life out of madness, I don’t know.” We
stood in silence.

“When do you want me to leave?”“Tonight,” Theresa said, and she broke down
and sobbed. I held her tightly in my arms, for the lasttime.
She was right. Once we both understood that we
couldn’t continue, I had to leave. The pain was alreadyunbearable. Theresa stroked my face and repeated, “Ilove you so much.” I nodded as tears streamed down
my face. I knew it was true, but part of me raged
against her for not loving me enough to stay together.
I went in the bedroom and stuffed someclothing in a backpack. I knew she would pack up myother things with care.
Theresa walked me to our door. We couldn’t
hold back our tears, but we were trying not to sob.
“Part of me wants to go with you,” she said. “But
if I did, I’d be living your life, not mine. I’d end up
resenting you for my decision.” She stroked my face
DVVKHVSRNH+HUÀQJHUWLSVIHOWVRJRRGDJDLQVWP\skin.
,ORRNHGDWWKHÁRRUDJDLQ´7KHUH·VVRPDQ\WKLQJV,ZLVK,KDGWROG\RX,QHYHUFRXOGÀQGWKH
words.”She smiled and nodded. “Write me a letter
someday.”“I won’t know where to send it.”
Stone Butch Blues

165

“Write it anyway,” she said.
“Is this really it?” I asked her. She nodded.
We kissed each other as deeply as we could.
Then we parted physically. I walked outside the door
and turned to look back at her. She smiled, almost
apologetically. I nodded. She closed the door.
Suddenly I thought of things I needed to say toher, but I knew she didn’t need to hear them just then.
I sat on the landing for a while. But it occurred to me
Theresa might call a friend to console her and I didn’t
want to be on our stairs.
I went downstairs and out into the backyard. I
overturned a wooden milk crate and sat down on it.
The sky was black and strewn with stars. I felt alone
on the planet. I was so scared I could hardly breathe.
I didn’t know where I was headed. I didn’t know what
WRGRZLWKP\OLIH,FRXOGQ·WHYHQÀJXUHRXWZKDW
direction to begin walking.
I sat on that crate all night long, looking up into
the sky. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I just sat. I
strained to look into my future, trying to picture theroad ahead of me, searching for a glimpse of who I
would become.
All I could see was the night sky and the stars
above me.

166

Leslie Feinberg

14
THE NIGHT SKY LIGHTENED FROM black toindigo. I was still sitting on the crate in our backyard.
Soon the sun would rise. I didn’t want to be there
when Theresa and the rest of the world began theirday.
I swung my leg over my Norton and kick-started
it. As the engine roared to life between my legs, I
IDVWHQHGP\KHOPHWDQGÁLSSHGGRZQWKHYLVRU
Now this was the place I found my mobility and mysafety—on this bike, under this helmet.
As dawn streaked the sky I rode through amaze of silent city streets. Mist clung to the asphalt,suspended like smoke. A light rain began to fall. I
rode into my own future as though it was only a
dream. Rain fell harder, pelting me. Water beaded on
my helmet, ran in little rivulets down the back of myneck, and soaked my shirt beneath my leather jacket.

Wet denim stretched taut and cold across my thighs.
Every street corner was a new crisis. Turn left? Turnright? Go straight?
+XQJHUÀQDOO\SXOOHGPHRII WKHVWUHHWVDQG
LQWR/REODZ·VVXSHUPDUNHW,FDOOHG-DQ·VKRXVH1R
answer. I didn’t want to call Ed this early because
Darlene would be sleeping.
,ÀOOHGDSODVWLFEDJZLWKELQJFKHUULHVDQG
walked up and down the aisles eating them. My jeansstuck to my legs as I moved. I followed women who
SXVKHGVKRSSLQJFDUWVÀOOHGZLWKFHUHDOVDQGFKLOGUHQ
Those who stared at me made sure I registered
their disgust before they turned away. I did.
´-HVV"µ7KHYRLFHVWDUWOHGPH,WXUQHGDQGIDFHG
a woman who looked familiar. One child woundaround her legs. The other held her hand and stared
at me. “It’s me—Gloria. Remember? We worked

together at the print shop. You used to work there
after school.”I nodded, but my mind felt swaddled in gauze.
I tried to follow her words as they shot past me:
Gloria was divorced, the foreman put the moves onher, she quit. What was happening with me?
Her last question startled me. I shrugged. “I’m
ORRNLQJIRUDSODFHWRVWD\VR,FDQWU\WRÀQGVRPH
work and get an apartment. By the way,” I told her,“I’ve always wanted to thank you for giving me thenames of those bars. It changed my life.”
Gloria glanced nervously at her children. “This
LV6FRWW\DQGWKLVLV.LP6D\KHOORWR-HVV-HVVDQG
Mommy used to work together.”
Scotty hid behind Gloria’s legs. Kim maintained
her slack-jaw stare. Her gaze unnerved me, but there
ZDVQ·WWKHVOLJKWHVWKRVWLOLW\LQLW.LP·VIDFHZDVÀOOHGZLWKZRQGHUDVWKRXJK,ZDVDVKRZHURI ÀUHZRUNV
exploding in a dark sky.
“You can stay with us tonight, if you have noplace to go. On the couch, I mean.” Gloria gave me
her address. “After 7:30,” she said, “after I put the
kids to bed.” That left a long time to kill.
I stopped for gas. The line of cars snaked down
the block. Newspaper headlines blaring about agas shortage had panicked everyone. “You must be
168

Leslie Feinberg

joking.” I complained to the attendant when I saw
how much a tankful cost.
“Don’t blame me,” he said. “Blame the Arabs.
They got us by the balls.”“Oh, c’mon,” I told him, pointing to the river.
“There’s tankers full of oil anchored out there just
waiting for the prices to shoot sky high.” I knew—I’dtried to get the temp agency to send me out there toclean the ballast holds, but the agency said it was aman’s job.
Once I got on I-190 headed north I reallyopened up the throttle, hearing everything I was
feeling in the engine’s growl.
Late in the afternoon I headed back to the city.
I stopped at a West Side pizzeria for chicken wings. I
stood at the counter growing impatient, but the man
behind it wouldn’t wait on me. I turned around to see
ZKDWKHZDVORRNLQJDW,VDZDWDEOHÀOOHGZLWKMRFNV
staring at me.
I rapped on the counter. “Excuse me.”“What do we have here?” I heard a man’s voice
behind me say. It was time to leave.
One of the guys blocked the only exit. I pushed
past him real hard and ran outside to the parking lot.
I jumped on my bike, but it was too late. They were
almost on top of me. My bike toppled as I leapedoff it. I left it lying on the asphalt and ran. My lungs
ached as though they might explode, but I didn’t stop
UXQQLQJIRUVHYHUDOEORFNV,ÀQDOO\VDWGRZQXQGHU
a tree, gasping for air. I wondered when it would besafe to return for my bike.
It was almost dusk when I went back. I stoodacross the street from the restaurant. I couldn’t see
anyone inside except the guy behind the counter. I
found my Norton in the parking lot. There wasn’tmuch on the bike that wasn’t smashed or twisted.
They must have worked it over with a tire iron or a
baseball bat. I wondered how they had shredded thethick rubber tires.
I knew it was only a motorcycle, but I felt likea ghost looking down at my own mutilated body on
the asphalt. I walked away from the wreckage. It was
beyond salvation.
It took me forever to get out to Gloria’s house.
You could die before a bus comes in Buffalo. I didn’t
tell her what happened, it was already awkward
between us. I asked if I could use her phone. She said
yes, if I wasn’t on too long. She was expecting a call.
I rang up Edwin. Her voice sounded hollow anddistant. Darlene had packed her things and movedout.
“Oh god, I’m so sorry,” I told Ed. “Me and

Theresa broke up, too.” We sat in silence. I had nowheels to get to her. “Can you pick me up, Ed?”
“Darlene took the car,” Ed said.
“She took the car? It was that bad?”
Ed sounded the same way I felt. Numb anddetached. “No, I gave her the car to take.” Gloriacaught my eye and looked at her watch.
“Ed, I got no bike. I’ll tell you what happened
later. I’ll call you, OK? Hang on. Are you alright?” I’m
not sure what she answered.
Gloria called her girlfriend. I could hear her
crying softly in the kitchen as they talked.
I lay down on the couch. I’d spent a lot of
my life on other people’s couches. I hadn’t really let
myself feel anything about breaking up with Theresa
until that moment. I almost cried out loud, but I
clamped my emotions like a tourniquet. I had no
privacy here, no space anywhere in the world where it
was safe to grieve, so I pushed it down and found theonly escape route open to me: sleep.
I awoke to the slam-bam sounds of cartoons.
My eyes burned. They felt swollen shut. Kim and
6FRWW\VDWRQWKHÁRRUOHDQLQJXSDJDLQVWWKHFRXFK,
slept on. Kim glanced over her shoulder at me.
“Is he awake?” Scotty asked.
“Yeah,” Kim answered, “she is.”Stone Butch Blues169

ŶŶŶ

“You’re better off without her, kid,” Grant told me.
“She was a fucking communist.”
I sucked in a deep breath of air. “Grant, don’t.
I love Theresa. I’m real upset and sore right now. Bevery careful where you push.”
Grant shrugged. “Well, it’s time to get overher and move on.” The whistle blasted. Grant and I
headed for the lunchroom through skids stacked sohigh with boxes they reminded me of desert buttes.
I was glad to have a job. The recession was
deepening. Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors had
just announced massive layoffs.
Grant tipped me off about this steady temp
work at the box factory. We punch-cut corrugatedcardboard, pizza boxes—all kinds of boxes. My headhurt from the endless staccato of the jackhammers
used to chisel away the trim.
“So did you get your own place yet?” Grant
asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. I ended up at Gloria’s for amonth before I saved up enough money.”
Grant smiled. “She let you stay that long? Maybe
she likes you.”
I shook my head. “Naw, it just worked out for
170

Leslie Feinberg

her, too. She works nights. I drove the kids to schoolin her car and picked them up so she could sleep
when she got home. Then I worked second shift. It
was perfect. I like her kids. I still take the kids out on
the weekend sometimes.”
Grant grinned. “Sounds real homey.”“Aw, Grant. Change the subject. Hey, have youheard from Ed?” We both looked up at each other,startled. I had forgotten for a moment about the barÀJKWZKHQ*UDQWKDGODVKHGRXWDW(GLQPLVGLUHFWHG
rage. I loathed the part of Grant that was so meanspirited and hateful.
Grant watched me remember. “Ed never liked
me,” she said. “She doesn’t like me ’cause I’m white.”
I shook my head. “Oh, that’s not true, Grant.
She’s mad at you for the things you said to her thenight you fought her in the bar.”*UDQWGURSSHGKHUH\HV´-HVXV,VDLG,ZDV
sorry.”“C’mon, Grant!” I slapped the tabletop. “Whatif some guy called you a pervert or a freak and thenlater he told you he was sorry he raised his voice? I
don’t get it, Grant. I’ve watched you at work; you’refriendly with everybody.”
Grant rubbed her eyes. “Well, sometimes
my mouth just doesn’t know as much as the rest

of me, especially when I’ve had a few too many.”
She shrugged. “I’m a real fuck-up sometimes.” I
wondered who Grant was under all those layers ofhurt and anger.
Grant leaned back in her chair. “Are you going
through with it?”
I knew what she meant—hormones. “Yeah. I
don’t know what else to do.”Grant poured me coffee from her thermos. “Itwould be a lot easier if we went to the sex-change
clinic. They give you hormones for free. The only
thing is you have to take all these tests and theyinterview your family and everything.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, but I just want the hormones.
And the surgery.”Grant widened her eyes. “What kind of
surgery?”
I made a face. “What kind do you think? I don’t
want to have breasts like this anymore.”
Grant whistled low. “How do you know you’re
not a transsexual? Maybe you should go to the
SURJUDPDQGÀQGRXWµ
I shook my head. “I’ve seen about it on TV. I
don’t feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. I justfeel trapped.”
Grant sipped her coffee. “I don’t know. Maybe I

am really a guy and I was just born wrong. That might
explain a lot of stuff.”“So why don’t you go to the program?” I asked
her.
She smiled wistfully. “Because what if I’m not?
What if it turned out I’m something even worse thanI thought? Maybe it’s better not to know.”
I smiled and put my hand on top of hers. She
looked around and pulled her hand away. I sighed. “I
don’t know what the fuck I am. I just don’t want tobe different anymore. There’s no place to hide. I justwant everything to stop hurting so much.”
The whistle blew again. Grant stood up to go
back to work. “I almost got enough money together
for the hormones. How about you?”
I shrugged. “If we can get in a few doubles, I’ll
have the money soon.”“I’ll wait for you,” Grant said. For just a moment
her hand rested on my shoulder.
ŶŶŶ“Will you help me put together my Texaco station?”
Scotty held up a bag full of colorful plastic pieces. I
sprawled out on the rug and spread out the parts.
“How do you know where the pieces go?”Stone Butch Blues

171

Scotty asked.
I held up the instructions. “I’ve got this. It’s likea map. It tells me this is A and this is B and these
two go together.” They didn’t. “I mean this is A andmaybe this is B.” They weren’t. I worked in silence.
$FRPPHUFLDOIRUSHWURFNVÁDVKHGDFURVVWKH
television screen. Scotty looked mournful. “I wish I
had a pet rock.”“A pet rock?” I laughed. “What’s that?” He
pointed at the TV. I stroked his head. “Don’t worry,
I’ll get you a really good rock.”
Scotty rolled over on his belly and watched
me very closely. “You’re not supposed to glue them
together until you know where they go and you gotta
put a newspaper on the rug,” he advised. “You knowwhat I’m gonna be when I grow up?”
I held up a tiny gas pump and something
XQUHFRJQL]DEOH)RUVRPHUHDVRQWKH\ÀWWRJHWKHU
“What?”“I’m gonna be the wind.”
Kim rolled her eyes. “He’s really weird. He sits
outside and waits to feel the wind.”
I smiled at Scotty. “That’s not weird. If you
grow up and become the wind, I’ll take off my helmet
while I’m riding a motorcycle and you can blow
through my hair.”
172

Leslie Feinberg

Kim shook her head. “That’s dangerous.”
I nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. Why don’t you
become the sunshine, Scotty? Then you could keepme warm.”
Scotty shook his head emphatically from side toside. “No, the wind.”
Kim looked far away. “Hey, Kim?” I asked her.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?
“I don’t know,” she answered.
“That’s alright,” I told her. “You don’t have toknow now.”
Kim looked worried. “My mother says I should
be something special when I grow up.”
I cupped her head with my hand. “You alreadyare,” I said.
+HUH[SUHVVLRQÁLFNHUHGDVVKHZDWFKHGP\IDFH
7KHQKHUVPLOHEHJDQWRJURZXQWLOLWÀOOHGKHUZKROH
face.
Gloria came home from work early, gripped
ZLWKDVWRPDFKÁX6KHDVNHGPHWRVWD\RYHUQLJKW
and drop the kids off at school in the morning. She
looked green around the gills. When I urged her to go
to bed, she didn’t argue.
Scotty emerged from sleep the next morning as
though he was stuck in glue. Kim opened her eyes, satbolt upright, and hugged me.

I cooked pancakes for breakfast. I tried to make
VPLOLQJIDFHVRQWKHPZLWKUDLVLQVEXWZKHQ,ÁLSSHG
them over the raisins sank into the batter.
“I think I found his smile,” Kim announced,
picking at her pancake with a fork.
Scotty looked over at Kim’s plate. “That’s hereye,” he said. I heard my own laughter. It reminded
me of spring water bubbling from the earth.
“Are you married?” Kim asked me.
,ORRNHGDWWKHJROGEDQGRQP\ÀQJHU0\throat tightened. “Not anymore.”
Scotty nodded. “My mommy and daddy arediborced.”“Di-vorced,” Kim corrected him. “Who were
you married to?”If I spoke openly with the kids would Gloria
forbid me to see them? I took a deep breath. “Hername is Theresa.”
Kim weighed the information. “Was she pretty?”
I smiled. “Very pretty.”
Kim frowned. “Wait a minute, girls can’t get
married to girls.”
Syrup dripped slowly down Scotty’s chin. “Yes,they can,” he said. I wiped his chin with my thumb.
“No, they can’t, stupid.” Kim told him. She
looked back at me. “My teacher says boys and girls get
married when they grow up.”

I checked my watch. It was almost time to drive
them to school. “Well, Kim, teachers know a lot ofthings, but they don’t know everything. Finish yourbreakfast.” Kim stabbed her pancake, angry because I
hadn’t really answered her.
I sighed. “You know, anyone can fall in love withanyone,” I told her. “If a boy and a girl fall in love,everybody’s real nice to them. But when a girl falls inlove with a girl or a boy falls in love with a boy, somepeople make fun of them or try to beat them up. And
you’re right, Kim. They’re not allowed to get married
the same way a man and a woman can. But they reallylove each other.”
Kim’s forehead furrowed. I could see her mind
working as she chewed. “Did you ever kiss her?”:DUQLQJOLJKWVÁDVKHGEHKLQGP\H\HV´8P
sure,” I said, as casually as I could.
“Ewww!” Kim dropped her fork. “With yourtongue? I saw Daddy stick his tongue in Mommy’s
mouth once. Yuck, it was disgusting.”
I laughed. “You don’t ever have to kisssomebody that way if you don’t want to.”“I’ll never do that,” Kim declared.
“Me either,” Scotty added.
Kim ate in silence. When she looked up I could
feel the question before she asked it. “Did you loveher?”
Stone Butch Blues173

My chin trembled. “Yes, I do.”“Then why did you get divorced?”That question hung in the air. “I don’t know,” I
told her honestly. “I can’t explain it.”On the ride to school Scotty called out the nameof every brand of car that passed. Kim watched me
as I drove. “Was she nice?” Kim pressed. I nodded.
“Do you think she misses you?”
I smiled. “I hope so.”
It was a relief to pull up in front of their school
and kiss and hug them goodbye. As soon as I wassure they were safely inside, I pressed my forehead
against the steering wheel and cried.
I had a car and the whole day to kill.
Scotty’s pet rock! I wanted to see if the Science
Museum had a souvenir shop that sold rocks andcrystals. I’d never been to the Museum before. A giant
stuffed buffalo stared at me as I walked in. The spacefelt still and quiet inside the building. I found exactly
what I was looking for at the gift counter. I picked outDÀVWVL]HGURFNIRU6FRWW\,WZDVFXWLQKDOI,QVLGH
was a small cave studded with purple and milky white
crystals. It was a rock you could get lost in if you
ZDQWHGWR,ÀJXUHGKHZRXOG
.LP·VJLIWZDVQ·WKDUGWRFKRRVHDÁDWJUHHQ
polished stone the size of my hand, swirled with
174

Leslie Feinberg

white, like currents in a fast-moving river.
“Do you know what these are?” I asked the
young woman behind the counter.
She shrugged. “I just work here.”
I wanted to spend the day there. Each room off
the huge center hall was devoted to a different branchof science. One was named the Hall of Man—it
turned out to include women, too. There were rooms
that revealed the secrets of atoms, of universes.
I wished I could stay and devour all thatknowledge. I hoped somehow it would make senseof the world to me. But I could feel my bladder begin
to ache, and the two bathrooms were in plain sightof the woman behind the souvenir counter. I justcouldn’t deal with it. I left the secrets of the universe
behind, got back in the car, and drove to Gloria’s
house to use the bathroom in privacy.
ŶŶŶ*UDQWDQG,VDWLQWKHFDURXWVLGHWKHGRFWRU·VRIÀFH“I’m scared,” she admitted.
“Me too. When I was a kid,” I told her, “I felt
OLNHWKHUHZDVQRSODFHLQWKHZRUOGIRUPHWRÀWThat’s how I feel now.”
Grant nodded and exhaled cigarette smoke
through her teeth. “I tell you, kid, I don’t know what’sworse. Never knowing what it’s like to be accepted or
having what little bit you had taken away, you know?”
I sure did. “C’mon, let’s go,” I urged her.
The doctor’s name was stenciled on thetranslucent glass door. It looked dark inside. “Maybe
he’s not here,” Grant said.
I grabbed her arm. “I’m not pushing you,” I told
her, “but I’ve run out of options.”
Grant sucked in her breath. I tried the door—it
was open. The doctor was in. Dr. Monroe led us to
KLVLQQHURIÀFHDQGJHVWXUHGIRUXVWRVLWGRZQ,
GHFOLQHG,ORRNHGDURXQGKLVRIÀFHZDOOV´:KHUHDUH
all your diplomas?” Grant glared at me.
She addressed Dr. Monroe. “You remember I
called you.”
He looked me up and down. God, he hates us, I
thought to myself. He licked his lips. “I believe it wasconcerning a hormone imbalance you both share.”
What did this guy think, that we had tape recorders
wired to our bodies? “Did you bring the money?” heasked. As we pulled out our wallets, Monroe pulled
out his prescription pad. “I assume you’ve given thisa great deal of thought,” he said, like he was reallyconcerned. We both nodded.
He showed us how to draw one cc of male
hormones into a syringe and stick it into the thighmuscle. “You give yourself one shot every two weeks.
Any questions?”“I’ve got some questions,” I said. Grant and thedoctor both looked startled. “Like how long before it
works and are there any side effects?”“Well,” the doctor rolled a pencil between his
LQGH[ÀQJHUDQGKLVWKXPE´WKDW·VKDUGWRVD\µ“Why is that?” I wanted to know.
“Because this is rather,” he hesitated,“experimental. You may experience side effects: hairloss, weight gain, acne.” Great, I thought, just great.
“Is it dangerous?” I asked. Grant leaned forward
to hear his answer.
Dr. Monroe ripped the script off the pad.
“It’s just hormones. Your body produces hormones
naturally. Do you want this or not?” he asked, as
he waved it back and forth. I nodded and took it.
He ripped off a second and handed it to Grant.
She looked unsure, but she put it in her pocket. Dr.
Monroe counted our money, slipped it into his desk
drawer, and bid us adieu.
“One more thing,” I said. The doctor sighedheavily. “I need a referral for breast surgery.”He scribbled on a piece of paper. “Twothousand dollars,” he told me, handing me a nameand phone number.
Stone Butch Blues

175

It was over and we were back on the street.
“C’mon.” I slapped Grant on the shoulder.
“We’ll go to the pharmacy, then I’ll buy you a beer.”
She reluctantly agreed.
We sat at the bar in the middle of the day. The
bartender seemed to barely tolerate us. We each put
RXUELJEURZQSDSHUEDJÀOOHGZLWKER[HVRI V\ULQJHVand vials of hormones on the bar in front of us.
“We’ll have two beers and two shots,” I told thebartender. “No pun intended,” I added as an aside toGrant, but she wasn’t listening. “What’s up, Grant?”“My whole fucking life is turning upside down,”
she said. I could sure relate to that.
“It’s a big deal, what we’re doing.” I agreed. She
nodded, but there was something else on her mind.
We ordered another round, and then another.
Grant started to open up a little.“How’s it going to
be with women? I mean, who would ever go out withus?” I wished she hadn’t said that out loud.
“I’m forty-one years old,” she told me. “My life
is so fucked up. There’s no place left for us. I just
don’t know what to do.” Her tears plopped on thebar. We both looked around to see if any of the guys
noticed she was crying. We picked up our packages
and quickly moved over to a booth. Grant broke intosilent sobs. It scared me to see her cry that way.
176

Leslie Feinberg

I leaned across the table and stroked Grant’shair. “It’s gonna be OK,” I reassured her.
“Oh yeah?” she said angrily. “Bullshit. It’s
different for you.”“Are you kidding? Why’s it any different forme?”
Grant blew her nose on a bar napkin. “There’s
things about me you don’t know. Things I can’t tellanybody.”
I tossed back a shot of whiskey. It burned mythroat and warmed me all over. “Grant,” my voicesounded gentle, “there’s nothing you can’t tell me.”She studied my face. “I’m not a real butch,” shesaid.
I looked at her blankly. “What?”
I laughed incredulously. “Well, you could havefooled me.”She shook her head. “You don’t really knowme.”
The booze hit my brain like a ton of bricks. I
wished I hadn’t had so many drinks. The bartendercame over and began wiping the table we were sitting
at. “Time to go,” he said. We recognized the hatredon the faces of men who were blocking the door
we would have gone out of. The bartender nodded
toward the back door. “Time to go.”We grabbed our bags and raced out the backdoor and into Grant’s car. I locked the doors as she
started the engine. Several of the men fanned out
across the parking lot. One of them had a tire iron.
Grant peeled rubber. She drove right over the curb
and in front of an oncoming car that swerved andhit a parked car. Grant took off at full speed until wewere safely away.
We stopped in front of my house. Each of us
OLWDFLJDUHWWH0\KDQGVWUHPEOHG´-HH]*UDQW<RX
got a shot at the Indy 500.” She didn’t smile. I knew
she was too drunk to be behind the wheel. “C’mon
upstairs with me,” I told her. “You can drive homelater.”
Grant shook her head. “Where are you going?” I
asked her.
She shook her head. “I don’t know.”“C’mon upstairs with me,” I urged again, but I
NQHZLWZDVQRXVH*UDQWÁLFNHGKHUFLJDUHWWHRXWWKH
car window and started up the engine.
Before I closed the car door I told her, “Hey,
Grant. Try telling those guys back there you’re notbutch.”
Grant looked at me. It was hard not to turnaway from the sadness in her eyes. I pointed to therearview mirror. “You look at yourself and tell me

you’re not butch. You are what you are, Grant. You
don’t need to prove it.”Grant handed me her package of hormones.
“Are you sure?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “I’m not sure of anything rightnow.”
When I got upstairs I called Edwin’s house andlet the phone ring a long, long time. I drank a beer
before I took out the syringes and looked at them.
Needles scared me so much I couldn’t believe I was
about to stab myself with one. I examined the vialsof hormones as though their mysteries would reveal
themselves to me right there at the kitchen table.
They didn’t.
I went into the bathroom, took off my chinos,and hung them on the bathroom door. I sat down on
the toilet seat and prepared the syringe. Was I really
going to do this?
I thought about one of Grant’s questions that
hit too close to home. Would I ever lie in a woman’sarms again? For just a moment I remembered thesheer pleasure of Theresa’s arms around me. It madePHIHHOHYHQPRUHDORQH,ÁDVKHGZLWKDQJHUDW
Theresa. She didn’t love me enough to stay when it
was hard.
My life ran through my head like a movie I
Stone Butch Blues177

didn’t want to see again. I thought about the time myparents caught me dressed in my father’s clothes.
:DUPPHPRULHVÁRRGHGRYHUPHEXWFKIULHQGVGUDJTXHHQFRQÀGDQWVIHPPHORYHUV,FRXOGQ·WÀQG
them now. I was alone at this crossroads.
I couldn’t bring myself to sink the needle intomy thigh. Then I pictured my Norton, all smashed tosmithereens in the pizzeria parking lot. I stabbed mythigh with the needle and injected the hormone. It
wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.
I felt a wave of excitement—the possibility thatsomething was going to change, that an enormous
weight might be lifted from me. Maybe now I couldÀQDOO\EHP\VHOI DQGMXVWOLYH,FORVHGP\H\HVDQG
leaned my head against the tile wall.
After a while I stood up and put my chinos backRQ,ORRNHGDWP\UHÁHFWLRQLQWKHEDWKURRPPLUURU
Still me, looking back at me.
ŶŶŶ

1RWKLQJKDSSHQHGIRUWKHÀUVWWZRPRQWKV0\YRLFH
hadn’t deepened. I knew that for a fact because every
day I called telephone information and the operators
still called me ma’am. The only changes I could noticewere not what I’d hoped for. My skin broke out. My
178

Leslie Feinberg

body plumpened. My moods swung. Whatever wasgoing to emerge wasn’t here yet, but it was coming.
I’d have to say goodbye to Kim and Scotty soon.
Gloria would never let me see the kids once I started
to change.
On a wintry Saturday I arranged to take them tothe zoo. It was snowing so hard that the bus ride to
Gloria’s house seemed to take forever.
“I’m going away,” I told Gloria.
“You want more coffee?” she asked. I covered
my cup with one hand and shook my head.
Gloria sat down next to me. “You tell the kids
yet?” I shook my head. “Those kids think the sun
rises and sets with you—I don’t get it.”
Her words wounded me. “I’m loveable, Gloria,
what can I tell you?”
She shook her head. “Be careful when you tellthem, OK? They’re still shook up about their father
and me.” I nodded.
Scotty and Kim practically knocked each otherover running into the kitchen to greet me. They
were both so bundled up I could only see their eyes
between their hats and their scarves.
Gloria tossed me the keys to her car. She looked
upset. “Be careful, driving in the snow.” I didn’t thinkthat’s what she was concerned about.

“Don’t worry about us,” I told her.
By the time we got to the zoo the snow was
GHHSDQGIDWÁDNHVFRQWLQXHGWRIDOO7KHUHZHUHQ·W
many people out, just a few parents with their kids.
“Let’s make snow angels,” Kim suggested.
“Not yet,” I told her. “Let’s not get wet till we’re
ready to leave.”,FRXOGVHHWKHSURÀOHRI DJROGHQHDJOHRQKHU
perch. When we got closer, I realized there were twoeagles—a male and female sitting next to each other.
The female hopped down into the snow and unfolded
her powerful wings. She leaped and twirled in thesnow. I remembered the newspaper reported her
egg had hatched last week, but the eaglet had died. I
wondered if she danced in bitter grief.
“What’s he doing?” Kim asked me.
´6KH·VSOD\LQJLQWKHVQRZµ,ÀJXUHGLWZDVDV
good an answer as any. “That’s the girl eagle.”“How do you know?” she asked.
“Because the girls are bigger than the boys.”
Both kids spotted the polar bears before I did
and ran ahead. The mother bear was out with her cub.
According to the newspaper, the cub was born threemonths ago and hadn’t been seen outside of the caveyet.
“Aw,” the kids cooed as the cub toppled over
into a snow bank. The mother bear sat back on her

haunches. The little bear rooted for her breast andsuckled. “I’m hungry,” Scotty announced.
The concession stand was almost deserted
inside: two zoo maintenance men sipped hot coffee inthe corner. I ordered hot dogs and hot chocolates.
“We need peanuts,” Kim reminded me, “for the
animals.”“I don’t think we’re supposed to feed them,” I
told her.
“Then we need peanuts for us,” she said.
“And three bags of peanuts,” I added to the man
behind the counter. He glared at me in open disgust.
Oh, please, I thought, not in front of the kids. I got mymoney ready—the faster the transaction the better.
He came back with the food and drinks ina cardboard container. “That’ll be $9.80, sir,” hesmirked.
I threw a ten dollar bill on the counter andpicked up the container. “Keep the change, ma’am,” I
told him.
“C’mon kids. Want to eat outside on a park
bench?” It was OK with Scotty; Kim didn’t seem sosure.
I brushed the snow off a bench. “Why did you
call him ma’am?” Kim asked.
I shrugged. “He was being mean to me.”Stone Butch Blues

179

She wouldn’t let it go. “He didn’t like you?” I
shook my head. “Why not? How does he know hedoesn’t like you?”“I don’t know,” I told her. “Don’t you ever meetbullies at school who are mean to you for no reason?”
She nodded. “Why did he call you sir? Doesn’t
he know you’re a girl?”
I sighed and put my hot dog back in the
cardboard container. The last bite I’d chewed wasstuck like a knot in my throat. I sipped some hot
chocolate before I answered. “He knew I was a
girl. He was picking on me ’cause I’m different.” I
anticipated her next question. “I don’t look like yourmom. I look different from a lot of other girls. Somepeople don’t like that, they don’t think it’s right.”
Kim knitted her eyebrows. “Then why don’t you
wear dresses and let your hair grow long, like othergirls?”
I smiled. “Don’t you like me the way I am?”Scotty looked up at me and beamed. I wiped the
ketchup off his nose with my glove. “I don’t want tochange,” I told her. “I think girls and boys should be
able to be any way they want to be without getting
picked on.”Kim knelt on the bench, facing me. She took off
her gloves and stroked my cheeks. I wondered if she
180

Leslie Feinberg

could see beard growth already. “What do you see?” I
asked her. She shrugged and put her gloves back on.
“You know what we’re getting you for
Christmas? A radio!” Scotty told me excitedly.
“Scotty!” Kim’s voice rose in anger. “Youweren’t supposed to tell. You ruined it.” Scotty’s eyesÀOOHGZLWKWHDUV
“It’s OK,” I hugged him. “It’s OK. Listen you
guys—you kids—I have to tell you something.” Kim
sat down heavily, as though she had been expecting
this. I put my arm around both of them. “I have to
JRDZD\EHIRUH&KULVWPDV,KDYHWRÀQGDMREµThere was a long silence. Scotty wrapped hisarms around me and cried. “No! Don’t go away,” hepleaded. “Please? I’ll be good. Please don’t go away.”
I kissed the top of his snowsuit hood. “Oh,
Scotty, you’re not bad. Both of you are very, very
good. It’s not your fault I’m going away. I love you
both so much. I’ve just got to get a job.”
Kim sat with her hands on her lap, looking
straight ahead. “I love you a lot,” I told them again.
“I’m really gonna miss the two of you.”“Then why are you going away?” Kim’s voice
pounded with rage. “Why can’t you get a job here?”She needed more of an explanation. “Kim, it’s
not safe for me here, because I’m different.” Her facesoftened, which allowed the tears to well up. “I’mgoing somewhere I’ll be safe.”“Can I come too?” she asked. I pulled Scotty
closer to me and extended my arm to Kim. She didn’t
move closer, but I could tell she wanted to.
“It’s not really a place I’m going to.” I wondered
how much the unwritten laws allowed me to tell achild. “Imagine that you’re looking for me in a room.
You look everywhere—in the closet, under the bed,
behind the door—but I’m not there.”
Scotty looked up. “Where are you?” he asked.
“I’m somewhere safe where no one would look.
I’m up near the ceiling. Imagine you’re looking for mehere—behind the trees, under the benches, behind theelephant house. Where would I be safe?”
Both kids looked at each other and shook theirheads. “Up in the sky, where the wind blows,” I told
them. “I’d be safe in the sky, where no one would
look for me. But I’m still around. I’ll still be watchingover you.”
Scotty wiped the tears from his eyes with his
mittens. “When I’m the wind I could be in the sky
with you.”
I nodded and pulled him closer. Tears dripped
down Kim’s chin, but her face appeared calm. “Can
you come back and visit us?”

I thought before I answered. “You’ll see meagain, but not for a while. Not till it’s safe for me tocome back.”
I pointed to the golden eagles nearby. “Youknow, there’s not many eagles left. The food theyeat got all poisoned with chemicals, and sometimes
people shot at them. You know what the eagles did?”
7KH\ERWKVKRRNWKHLUKHDGV´7KH\ÁHZKLJKXSLQWR
the mountains, way up above the clouds and they’re
JRLQJWRVWD\XSWKHUHDQGÁ\DURXQGLQWKHZLQGXQWLO
it’s safe to come visit.”
Kim knelt on the bench and put her gloves
on my checks. They were cold and wet with snow.
“Please take me with you,” she whispered.
My eyes burned with tears. “I have to hide alone,
Kim. And your mommy loves you a lot. She needs
you, too. Grow up the best way you can, Kim. I’ll
come back to you, I promise.”
The snow was falling so heavily that it nearly
covered us on the bench. I got up and brushed us off.
I kissed Scotty’s cold nose before I retied his scarf
across his face. I waited on one knee for Kim to cometo me. She fell into my arms so hard we both almost
tumbled over.
As we approached the eagles, Kim ran ahead.
She stopped and watched them. “Are they happy inStone Butch Blues

181

there?” she asked me.
I shook my head. “They’d be happier up there.”,ORRNHGDWWKHVN\6QRZÁDNHVIHOORQP\H\HODVKHVand cheeks.
“Can we make snow angels now?” Scotty
demanded.
,QRGGHG6FRWW\DQG.LPÁRSSHGEDFNZDUGLQ
the snow and thrashed their arms and legs. “Look atme, look at me,” they each shouted.
I made a snowball and rolled it until it was as
big as a boulder. “What are you making?” Kim asked.
They both came close.
“I’m making a snowwoman,” I told her.
Kim made a face. “It’s not a snowwoman, it’s asnowman,” she sulked.
“How do you know?” I asked her. “You haven’t
seen her yet.”
Scotty started rolling a tiny lump of snow. “CanI help make her?” he asked. I nodded and started a
good-sized snowball for him.
Kim stamped her foot. “There’s no such thing asa snowwoman. It’s a snowman.”
I put Scotty’s smaller snow boulder on top of
WKHÀUVW´+HOSPHPDNHKHUKHDGµ,WROGWKHPERWK.LPÁHZLQWRDUDJHDQGVREEHG,WRXFKHGKHU
shoulders. “Are you really that upset?” She nodded
and cried. I wiped her runny nose.
182

Leslie Feinberg“It’s OK,” Scotty said gently, “She could be asnowman, right?”
I nodded. “Help us make his head, OK?” KimVQLIÁHGDQGQRGGHG:HUROOHGWKHKHDGDQG,SXWLW
in place. I scrounged for stones under the snow, andwe used them to make a mouth and nose and eyes.
“He needs a scarf, right?” I asked. They both
nodded. I pulled off my scarf and put it around hisneck.
I took out my pack of cigarettes. “No,” theyboth shouted in unison, “don’t smoke!”“Well, I don’t have a pipe for the snowman.
Should I put a cigarette in his mouth?”“No!” they shouted. “He doesn’t smoke! He’ssmart!”
I laughed. “OK, OK. But that’s a pretty goodlooking snowman we made, isn’t it?”Scotty nodded and fell on the ground. “Watch
PHPDNHDVQRZDQJHOµ+HZLOGO\ÁDLOHGKLVDUPV
and legs.
“Are you OK?” I asked Kim.
She nodded. I pulled her scarf snug around her
neck. “I’m sorry I upset you,” I told her. “I was justteasing.”
She shrugged. “It’s OK.”
“I’m sorry anyway,” I said.

“No,” she told me. “I mean it’s OK about it
being a snowwoman.”
I smiled. “How about if we decide that this is asnowperson and we like him or her just the way sheis?” Kim nodded without smiling.
She silently stared out the car window during thelong ride home.
“Did they eat?” Gloria wanted to know. I
nodded. “Time for your bath,” she told them.
“Aw, Mom, we’re too pooped,” Scotty said.
Gloria laughed. “Alright, smart aleck. But
tomorrow night you both take a bath, and I don’t
want to hear any whining.”
6FRWW\EHDPHGLQWULXPSK´&DQ-HVVSXWXVWR
bed?” Gloria glanced at me. I nodded.
Scotty and Kim changed into their pajamas andkissed Gloria good night. I tucked each one under
their covers.
“You have to read us the story about when wewere little kids,” Scotty instructed me. I picked up thebook from the nightstand.
Kim pointed to a bookmark. “That’s where
Mom left off,” she said. I began to read, my voice
quiet and low:

Scotty yawned. I kissed his sweaty hair. A mobile
turned slowly over our heads, casting the shadows ofmoving ships against the walls.
If you were a bird, and lived on high,My voice cracked like a teenage boy’s and thendropped a bit deeper as I read. The hormones werebeginning to work.
You’d say to the wind as it took you away:‘That’s where I wanted to go today!’
Kim stared at me. Her face was still and sad. “I’mnever going to see you again, am I?” she asked.
I came over to her bed and kissed her forehead.
“I’ll come back to you when it’s safe. You’ll see meagain, I promise. I love you, Kim. Go to sleep now.”
She sighed and pulled the covers up to her chin. I
continued to read until her breathing became heavy
and rhythmic.
What does it matter where people go?
Anywhere, anywhere. I don’t know.

Where am I going? I don’t quite know.
Stone Butch Blues

183

15
IT WAS A MORNING IN APRIL that everything
seemed to change at once. The birds chirped loudly
outside my window at dawn. I rolled around lazily inbed. The sheets felt cool, the air smelled sweet.
I reached for a cigarette, but the thought
revolted me. I decided to take a long shower instead.
As I brushed my teeth, I glanced in the mirror andhad to look a second time. Beard stubble roughed mycheeks. My face looked slimmer and more angular. I
stripped off my T-shirt and BVDs. My body was leanand hard. My hips had melted away. I could actually
see muscles in my thighs and arms I never knew I
had. Were the hormones stimulating muscles or justrevealing them?
This was almost the body I’d expected before
puberty confounded me. Almost.
I remembered the girls in high school whomoaned because their breasts were small. I envied

WKHPIRUEHLQJÁDWFKHVWHG7KDWZDVZLWKLQP\UHDFK
now. I had saved sixteen hundred dollars over the
winter toward breast reduction surgery.
I took a hot, soapy shower, enjoying the feel of
my hands on my skin. It had been so long since I’dbeen at home in my body. Soon that was going tochange.
As I combed my hair in front of the mirror,
it occurred to me that I might be able to go to abarbershop. Our perfect DAs—one-inch all over—were maintained in the kitchens of hairdresser friends.
I’d bought an old Triumph motorcycle during
the winter from a guy at work. I took it out of the
garage, put a fresh quart of oil in it, and drove it
across town to a barbershop in a neighborhood I’dnever have to come back to if it turned out badly.
The barber smiled at me. “I’ll be with you in justa minute, sir.” I tried to hide my excitement as I leafedthrough a copy of Popular Mechanics. I’d never daredenter men’s turf like this before.
The barber snapped a huge red cloth in the
air. “Sir?” he beckoned for me to sit in the chair. He
covered me with the red material and pulled it snug
around my neck. “A trim?”
I looked at myself in the mirror. “Well, maybe
something different. Maybe it’s time for a change.”
The barber smiled. “That’s up to you.”“I don’t know. Something neat.”
The barber smoothed back my hair and pursed
KLVOLSV´:KDWDERXWDÁDWWRS"µ“Yeah! That would be a change.”
The electric razor buzzed across the top of my
DA from back to front. Clumps of hair fell on mynose. The barber brushed them off with the soft hairsof a brush. He clipped and trimmed my hair until it
IRUPHGDSHUIHFWO\V\PPHWULFDOÁDWWRS+HEUXVKHG
me off thoroughly. I started to get up. “Not yet,”he said. He lathered my sideburns and the back of
my hairline with shaving cream and scraped a cleanline with a straight razor. He toweled the last bits of
ODWKHUIURPP\QHFN-XVWZKHQ,WKRXJKWKHPXVW
EHÀQLVKHGKHVSODVKHGDOLWWOHED\UXPRQKLVSDOPVand rubbed it on my cheeks. He shook powder on thebrush and swept it across the back of my neck. With

DÁRXULVKKHSXOOHGDZD\WKHUHGFORWKWKDWFRYHUHG
me and gave me a hand mirror so I could see the backof my hair. “What do you think, my friend?”
This time I didn’t try to hide my excitement. I
was passing.
It was time for the most important test of all:the men’s room. I walked around a department store
until I couldn’t stand it any longer. I paced outside
the men’s room. What would happen if I walked in?
,·GKDYHWRÀQGRXWVRRQHURUODWHU,SXVKHGRSHQthe door. Two men stood in front of urinals. They
glanced at me and looked away. Nothing happened. I
found an empty stall and locked the door.
They could still see my feet if they looked. Did
PHQHYHUVLWGRZQWRXULQDWH",ÁXVKHGWKHWRLOHGWR
cover the sound. I immediately felt something wet
and cold against my ass and thighs. The toilet wasRYHUÁRZLQJ,MXPSHGXSEXWLWZDVWRRODWHP\/HYL·V
were soaked. I rebuttoned my jeans and hurried outof the men’s room. I pushed my way through thecrowds of shoppers and made my way back to my
Triumph.
All I wanted was to drive home, strip off myjeans, and shower off the feeling of stupidity. I sat
down on my bike and thought about it. It hadn’t been
VREDGUHDOO\1RZ,NQHZEHWWHUWKDQWRÁXVKWKH
Stone Butch Blues

185

toilet without paying attention to the water level as it
rose. But I thought back to the moment I’d walked
into the men’s room. They hardly noticed me.
I could go to the bathroom whenever andwherever I needed to without pressure or shame.
What an enormous relief.
ŶŶŶ$WÀUVWHYHU\WKLQJZDVIXQ7KHZRUOGVWRSSHG
feeling like a gauntlet I had to run through. But very
quickly I discovered that passing didn’t just meanslipping below the surface, it meant being buried alive.
I was still me on the inside, trapped in there with all
my wounds and fears. But I was no longer me on theoutside.
I remember the morning I left work at themacaroni plant just before dawn. I was walking up
Elmwood toward my bike. A woman on the sidewalk
ahead of me looked over her shoulder nervously. I
slowed my pace as she crossed the street and hurried
away. She was afraid of me. That’s when I began tounderstand that passing changed almost everything.
Two things didn’t change: I still had to work fora living, and I still lived in fear, only now it was theconstant terror of discovery. I never realized what asmall town Buffalo could be.
186

Leslie Feinberg“Where’d you go to high school?” Eddie asked
PHDIWHUZHÀQLVKHGXQORDGLQJFDUWRQVIURPDWUXFN
Should I lie or tell the truth? “Bennett,” I
answered honestly.
“No kidding? When did you graduate?”
I fumbled for an answer. I had lied on my job
application for this truck delivery position. I said I’dgraduated from high school. “Uh, I transferred in myjunior year.”“Yeah? When?”“Oh, I don’t know. Around ’65, I guess.”“No kidding? My brother-in-law went to Bennett
around the same time. His name’s Bobby—played
IRRWEDOO<RXNQRZKLP"µ%REE\WKHUDSLVW0\ÀVWV
clenched and I ground my teeth. “Naw, I don’t thinkso.”Eddie nodded. “No loss. He could really be an
asshole, if you ask me. You alright?”“Yeah, just a little sick, that’s all.”“Well, sit down a minute,” Eddie said.
“Listen Eddie, I’m gonna run to the store forsomething.” And then I walked away. I just kept
walking, faster and faster. I was running from my own
past.
I guess I could have left the city, but it felt as
though I’d fall off the edge of the earth. So I stayed.

But I always had to be looking over my shoulder
in public, afraid I’d run into someone who knew
me as a woman. Sometimes I didn’t see them until
they saw me, like the time Gloria and the kids were
shopping downtown. I was an aisle away in the men’s
department. Gloria recognized me just a moment
before I saw her. Her jaw dropped. She grabbed Kim
and Scotty by their hands and tried to drag them away.
Scotty got scared and cried. Kim called my name.
´-HVV,W·V-HVVµI came up to Gloria and put my hand on her
shoulder. She pulled away in horror and wrapped
her arms around Scotty and Kim as though she wasprotecting them from Count Dracula. “Gloria, for
Christsakes, I’m just trying to survive, you know? It’s
not such a big deal.”“Get away from me. What have you done?”she asked me in a strange, low voice. “What are you
doing?”“Trying to live, Gloria. Give me a break, willya?”
Kim reached out to me, but Gloria grabbed her
hand and squeezed it. “Come on Kim, Scotty,” Gloriasaid, pulling them toward the door. “You are reallysick, you know that? You really need help.”
I turned up my palms in a gesture of exasperation.
“Gloria.” People nearby stopped to watch.

Kim broke loose and ran toward me at fullspeed. I lifted her into my arms and hugged her
tightly. “Do you still love me?” she whispered.
I kissed her nose. “More than ever.” I put her
down and she ran back to Gloria.
“Ex?” a salesman asked me.
“Huh?”“Ex-girlfriend?” he nodded with his chin toward
the door.
“She’s an ex, alright,” I answered.
ŶŶŶ

I got a steady gig at a bindery as a mechanic’s
apprentice. The guy who interviewed me looked me
up and down real hard. I felt color rise in my face.
“You look like a clean-cut young man,” he concluded.
Only a short time before I had been a monster.
Having a job was the good news. But there
wasn’t much else to do or anyone to do it with. That
was the bad news. My greatest recreation was riding
my motorcycle. I decided to buy a really nice bike.
Early one Saturday afternoon I rode to the West Side
to take a look at a Harley Sportster I saw advertised in
the newspaper. “Ask for Mike,” the ad read.
“You know about bikes?” Mike asked me. We
squatted next to the bike in his driveway.
Stone Butch Blues187

I said yes, but I felt like I was lying. It’s funny, a
guy gets a Honda 50 mini-bike and he talks like he’s
an expert on bikes. A woman could ride a full-dress
Harley all her life and she still feels like she’s faking
her end of the conversation. He told me he loved thatbike, and I could tell by the way he touched it that hemeant every word. He hated to sell it, he told me, but
he fell in love with a woman who made him choose
between her or the bike. He made the right decision.
I handed Mike a wad of bills and revved theengine. “Take her up to Canada,” he suggested.
“You’ll be across the Peace Bridge in ten minutes andyou can really open her up on those roads.” I put on
my helmet, waved, and drove away.
I stopped at Ted’s for a foot-long hot dog. I sat
on top of a picnic table outside, surrounded by gulls
impatiently waiting for the end of my bun.
I could see the line of cars at the Peace Bridge.
How many hundreds of times had I gone to Canada
this way? But passing as a man meant I hadn’t beenable to cross the Peace Bridge because I didn’t have adraft card.
7KH9LHWQDP:DUKDGMXVWRIÀFLDOO\HQGHG
It seemed amazing to me that the people of thattiny country had won against such monstrous odds.
Maybe all those rallies Theresa had attended helped.
188

Leslie Feinberg

President Ford was expected to pardon the draft
UHVLVWHUVVRWKH\FRXOGÀQDOO\FRPHKRPH
But I still couldn’t cross the border. I had
no valid ID in case I was pulled over at customs.
I opened my wallet and looked at my ID. BirthFHUWLÀFDWHGULYHU·VOLFHQVH7KH\ZHUHDOOFOHDUO\marked female. How could I get ID as a male?
*HWWLQJLGHQWLÀFDWLRQUHTXLUHGLGHQWLÀFDWLRQ,
couldn’t even open a checking account without some
sort of ID. A credit card was out of the question.
I felt like a nonperson. Even outlaws probably had
more ID than me.
I turned my license over and looked at the
H[SLUDWLRQGDWH-XO\,WZDVYDOLGIRUIRXUWHHQ
more months. How could I get a license marked
Female renewed as Male? What would happen to me
if I got stopped by state troopers on a lonely roadin the dead of night and handed them this license?
But what if I was caught driving without a license?
Either option sounded like a nightmare. Yet it was
impossible to work or live in Buffalo without someform of transportation.
I stared across the Niagara River, longing toopen up my Harley on those roads I knew so well.
A feeling of claustrophobia choked me. Even as myworld was expanding, it was shrinking.

ŶŶŶ

My beard grew in full of color: blond streaked with
UHGDQGEURZQDQGZKLWH,QWKHRSHQÀHOGVRI OLIH
my beard was a bush to hide behind. Almost no one
seemed to recognize me anymore when I was out inpublic.
I hated my breasts more than ever. Binding them
HYHU\GD\KDGÁDWWHQHGWKHPXVFOHVDQGWKH\KXUW%XW,ÀQDOO\VDYHGXSWZRWKRXVDQGGROODUV,FDOOHG
the surgeon Dr. Monroe had referred me to. I told
KLP,ZDQWHGWREHÁDWFKHVWHG´<HV\HVµKHVDLG
“Breast reduction.”“Is it going to be very painful? Will I be out ofwork a long time?”“No,” he told me. “It’s not a radical mastectomy.
We make an incision and remove some of the fatty
tissue. Although you’ll be uncomfortable, you should
be back at work within a week or two.” I felt a little
queasy, but all surgical descriptions made me feel thatway.
“Do you have the money?” he asked.
I did. I was ready. I scheduled the surgery andleft work Tuesday pretending to be ill.
Tuesday night I lay in bed and stared at theceiling. I felt anxious, but not scared. I was excited at

the thought of feeling good in my body once again.
I wished Theresa could have come this far with me.
Why couldn’t I have had one night to make love withher while I felt comfortable in my body? Theresa.
Once I’d thought of her it was too late to put her
memory away. I tossed and turned.
Wherever I was going, I knew I was headed
there alone.
The next morning I arrived at the hospital
EHIRUHP\VFKHGXOHGDSSRLQWPHQWWRÀOORXWWKH
necessary forms. “Who are you here to see?” theadmissions nurse smiled.
“Dr. Costanza.”+HUH[SUHVVLRQFRROHG´-XVWDPRPHQWSOHDVHµ
6KHUHWXUQHGÀYHPLQXWHVODWHU7KHGRFWRUZDVQ·WLQ
No arrangements seemed to have been made. But she
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7KHUHZHUHWKUHHQXUVHVDWWKHVL[WKÁRRU
desk. “I have an appointment for surgery with Dr.
Costanza.” The nurses glanced at each other.
One sighed. “There’s no room ready foryou right now. You’ll have to prep yourself in thebathroom.”
I hesitated. “I don’t know what you mean.”´-XVWDPLQXWHµVKHVDLG6KHFDPHEDFNZLWK
a hospital gown, razor, and Betadine. “Shave yourStone Butch Blues

189

underarms, chest hair, and pubic hair with this andthen put on the gown.”“Pubic hair?”
She frowned. “That’s the procedure.” I hoped
WKH\GLGQ·WGRWKHZURQJVXUJHU\RQPH,ÀJXUHGI’d have time to consult with someone before theoperation began.
“Don’t go in there,” one of the nurses criedout as I neared the men’s room. I turned toward thewomen’s bathroom. “No, not there either,” anothercalled out. I stood stock-still. They found a room forme. I washed myself with Betadine and shaved my
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shave regularly. This would be my last time.
As I shaved my beard I promised to take goodcare of myself. And I swore that no matter what
happened I would never allow madness to consumeme.
I sat down on a chair in the room to await
surgery. Two nurses talked loudly at the desk outside
the room. They said there would be hell to pay whenhealthy tissue was sent down to the pathology lab.
They said sooner or later this would blow up andthere’d be trouble.
A nurse came in the room, smiled, and dipped
190

Leslie Feinberg

her head shyly. She pointed to a gurney in the hall.
“Can’t I walk?” I asked her. She shook her head.
I lay on the gurney as she rolled it down the hall.
All I could see were ceilings. Huge lights appeared
over me. I was in surgery. Masked faces above me. I
hoped they weren’t too hostile. “Which one of you is
Dr. Costanza?” I asked.
One of them answered, “He’s on vacation.
Don’t worry.” I started to protest but a needle pierced
my arm and the room started to dissolve.
When I awoke the world seemed fuzzy. I
couldn’t focus. The man in the bed across frommine stared at me. Nurses peered in at me from thedoorway. I fought for consciousness.
A priest came into the room. “Where is she?” helooked around.
“Who?” I asked. The room spun.
The priest came close to my bed. “There’s a lostsoul who needs my help,” he whispered.
“They just wheeled her down the hall, father,” I
said, pointing. “If you hurry, you can catch her.”I tried to sit up. A dull pain pounded in mychest. I called out to the nurses standing in the
doorway. “Can I get something for the pain?” They
walked away.
One of the nurses came back. “Look,” shesaid, “I don’t understand any of this. But I can tellyou this hospital is for sick people. You people makesome arrangement with Costanza on the side, that’s
your business. But this bed and our time is for sickpeople.”How much time would they give me torecuperate? An hour? Two? I didn’t want to be there
another minute. I wanted to be safe in my own home.
I swung my legs over the bed and tested standing on
them. Once I felt steady, I carefully dressed.
It took forever for the elevator to arrive. I
stepped inside and pushed the button for the lobby.
The young nurse who had brought me down forsurgery held the elevator door open and pressedsomething into my hand. It was four Darvon wrappedin a paper towel. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I had to walk a long way from the bus to my
KRXVH:KHQ,ÀQDOO\JRWKRPH,SXWP\NH\LQWKH
door, but I remembered the door needed to be pulled
LQDVWKHNH\ZDVWXUQHG:KHQ,ÀQDOO\SXOOHGKDUG
enough to turn the key, I knew I had hurt myself alittle. But I was home.
I lay down on my bed. The last thing I
remember is wondering what day it was.
:KHQ,ZRNHXS,FRXOGQ·WÀJXUHRXWZKHUH
I was. A dull pain throbbed in my chest. I stoodup carefully. When I opened the closet door, I saw

P\VHOI UHÁHFWHGLQWKHIXOOOHQJWKPLUURUPRXQWHG
inside. I could tell from my beard growth I had slept
for days. My chest was bandaged. There it was—thebody I’d wanted. I wondered why it had to have been
so hard.
I stumbled into the kitchen and chugged a Pepsi.
I found a slice of cold pepperoni pizza and a pieceof chocolate cake in the refrigerator. My childhood
dream breakfast.
I called Edwin’s house. We’re sorry, I listened to
the recording in shock, but the number you dialed has been
disconnected. I rang her sister’s house. In a quavering
voice Edwin’s sister said, “She shot herself—weeksago.”
I put the receiver down gently, trying not todisturb Ed’s memory. “Edwin, Ed,” I whispered as
though she was asleep in my arms and I could wakeher.
I went back to the bedroom and lost
consciousness. When I woke, I hoped Edwin’s death
was just a dream. I called my foreman. “Where thehell you been, boy?” he shouted.
“I’ve been sick. Real sick.”“Can you get a doctor’s note?”
I stopped and thought for a moment. “No,” I
said.
Stone Butch Blues191

´<RX·UHÀUHGµKHJURZOHGDQGKXQJXS
I slept on and off for several days. A nagging
pain woke me up, but it was emotional, not a result of
the surgery. I changed my bandages in the bathroom.
-XVWWZRVXUJLFDOOLQHVFURVVHGP\FKHVW7RJHWKHU
with the stitches they looked like railroad tracks. Aftera little more than a week it looked like it was healing
pretty well. I pulled on a clean white T-shirt.
Something propelled me into the kitchen to geta beer. As I snapped off the cap I located the sourceof the pain: Edwin’s suicide. It couldn’t be true that
Ed no longer existed in the world. How could she
be gone? Hadn’t I known she was seething inside? I
remembered she said she’d marked a page in the bookshe gave me that summed up what she was struggling
with. I tore through the books on my shelf, but I
FRXOGQ·WÀQGWKHVOLPYROXPHVKH·GJLYHQPH,ÀQDOO\discovered it in an unpacked box in my hall closet and
VDWGRZQRQWKHÁRRUWROHDI WKURXJKWKHERRN6KH·G
marked the page in blue ink:
It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, thissense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others… two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; twowarring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone
keeps it from being torn asunder.
192

Leslie Feinberg

I looked at the inscription, the way she’d dotted
the i in her name with an inky heart. Pain roared
WKURXJKP\ERG\OLNHDÀUHZKLSSHGE\WKHZLQG
“Ed,” I cried out loud. “Please come back. Give me
another chance to understand. I’ll be a better friend if
you’ll just come back.”
Silence.
One beer followed another; I got pretty drunk.
And then I broke down and cried for the loss of
Edwin and for all the tears I’d suppressed since I’dlost Theresa.
I went for a walk and ended up on a bus headed
to the amusement park. I wanted to win one of those
big stuffed bears that Theresa always loved. First I
thought I needed more beer. The two young women
behind the concession counter whispered and giggled
as I approached. “Can I help you, sir?” The darkhaired woman asked me.
“A beer.” I pulled out my wallet.
The red-haired woman nudged her and giggled.
“Tell him.”“Tell me what?” I asked.
“She thinks you’re cute.”
The dark-haired woman pushed her. “I do not.
She’s just a jerk.”
0\IDFHÁXVKHG,ZDONHGDZD\IURPWKHFRXQWHU

without the beer. A powerful rage rose inside me.
Why was I so angry? This was what I wanted, wasn’t
it? To be able to be myself and yet live without
fear? It just didn’t seem fair. All my life I’d been told
everything about me was really twisted and sick. But
if I was a man, I was “cute.” Acceptance of me as ahe felt like an ongoing indictment of me as a he-she.
I obsessed about winning the bear for Theresa.
As I threw the baseballs at those dolls on the shelf I
could feel a few stitches on my chest tear, but I didn’tcare. I pitched in a frenzy. I kept putting money downon the counter, and the man kept taking it. A small
crowd formed. The prizes I won got a little bigger
each time, but I couldn’t seem to knock down acouple of those dolls.
“Sorry pal,” the guy behind the counter told me.
His teeth were clenched on a cigar.
,KDQGHGKLPÀYHGROODUV´+HUHµ,VDLGUHDO
loud. “You take my money and I’ll show the people
here which dolls are weighted.”
He swung around and handed me a giant pink
bear. “I want the blue one,” I told him.
“Fuck you,” he muttered, but he exchanged it.
As I bolted up Theresa’s stairs that night I felt
excited. By the time I knocked, I was scared. A young
woman with a soft butch exterior answered the door.

I stood there with the big blue bear in my arms. She
called Theresa.
Theresa stood outside her door to talk to me,
but she left it ajar.
“How are you?” I asked her. She shrugged.
I beckoned with my chin toward the door.
“Housekeeping butch?” It was a mean-spirited thing
to say. I was glad she didn’t respond. There was a longsilence, then Theresa turned to go.
I whispered Edwin’s name out loud as tears ran
down my cheeks. Theresa wheeled around and threw
her arms around me. She knew. She understood. She
KHOGPHZKLOH,FKRNHGRQP\WHDUV,VQLIÁHGDQG
looked at my boots. She watched my face. There
were tears in her eyes, too. She touched the stubble
RQP\FKHHNZLWKKHUÀQJHUWLSV,FRXOGQ·WUHDGKHU
thoughts; I never could. It was time to leave. “Youworking?” I asked her.
“Some,” she said.
She touched my cheek again and turned togo. “Theresa,” I called her name. She looked at me.
“Does she sit between the rows in your garden?”
7KHUHVDVKRRNKHUKHDG´1R-HVV<RX·UHWKH
only one.”
I picked up the big blue bear and extended it toher. She smiled sadly and shook her head again. Thenthe door shut and she was gone.
Stone Butch Blues

193

I walked a couple of blocks to the supermarket
and stood outside the automatic doors. After a while
this little kid came by, holding onto his mother’s hand.
He stared at the bear as he approached and thenturned to watch it as he walked by. His mother sort ofdragged him along before she turned to see what he
was looking at.
“Is it OK?” I asked her, nodding toward
the bear. She looked surprised, but she nodded. I
handed the bear to the boy. “Take good care of her,promise?”He nodded. His arms could hardly get aroundthe stuffed animal.
His mother nudged his shoulder. “Say thank you
to the nice man.”

194

Leslie Feinberg16
7+(681:$6-8673((.,1*over the horizon.
My breath froze on my beard. I wearily boarded thetemp labor bus.
´+H\-HVVHµ%HQVDWGRZQQH[WWRPHDQG
reached out his huge, calloused hand, as he did every
morning. He could have crushed my hand in his, but
LWZDVLQKLVÀUPKDQGVKDNHWKDW,DOZD\VUHGLVFRYHUHG
his gentleness. I looked at this great bear of a man
and smiled, genuinely glad to see him.
The bitter cold didn’t seem to affect him. I
UHPHPEHUHGZK\ZKHQKHSXOOHGDVLOYHUKLSÁDVN
IURPKLVFRDWSRFNHW+HRIIHUHGLWWRPHÀUVW,WRRN
a long swig and coughed as I handed it back to him.
“Wild Turkey,” he smiled. “I like a little nip in themorning to get me going.” Actually, Ben liked little
nips throughout the day to keep him going.
We were parked next to a coffee shop. From
where I sat I could see through the restaurant

window. Annie, the waitress who had my complete
attention, was pouring coffee and joking with themen at the counter. A powerful longing pulled on me,
almost drawing tears.
“How’d you like a piece of her?” a guy in theseat in front of us asked his friend.
Ben watched me cringe. “Hey, shut up,” Ben toldhim.
The man looked over the top of his seat at us.
“What’s it to you?”“That’s my sister you’re talking about,” Benglared.
“Oh, sorry,” the guy said. He looked at me andsquinted. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”“You ever work in Texas?” I asked him. He
shook his head. “Then you don’t know me,” I told
him.

The bus lurched into motion. We were headedout to a plant in Tonawanda. The agency promised
us a steady gig with the possibility of permanent hire.
Ben and I rode in comfortable silence. When thenoise level on the bus became boisterous I whispered
to him, “Is Annie really your sister?” He smiled andwinked.
“Did you really work in Texas?” he asked me. I
smiled and winked back.
As we approached the plant I saw picket lines
barricading the entrance. Then I understood—wewere hired to break a strike. “Scabs!” the shout went
up the moment we got off the bus. It was hard tocatch my breath in the frigid air.
Ben stood at my side. “I don’t want any part ofthis,” he said.
I heard a woman’s voice shouting through abullhorn. “We’re gonna hold this line. We’re not going
to let a single scab through. I’m ready to do whatever
I have to do to defend our jobs and our union!
Are you?” The union women and men roared theiragreement.
7KHFRSVÁLSSHGWKHYLVRUVGRZQRQWKHLUULRW
helmets and held their clubs horizontally across theirchests. Those billy clubs were almost as thick andlong as baseball bats. The cops were ready to attack inorder to bring us in as scabs.
196

Leslie Feinberg

Another temp bus arrived. The men who got off
that bus gravitated toward us. We formed a group of
sixty men. I looked around at the guys I rode in with.
The oldest of the men announced loudly, “The devil
can’t buy my soul!”“Well, I need a job, goddamn it. I got a family tofeed,” someone behind me yelled.
“I’m no scab,” Ben shouted. “I never crosseda picket line in my life and I never will. And I’ve got
no respect for any man who does.” He took his UAW
card out of his wallet and held it aloft so the picketers
could see. Several of the other men pulled out theirunion cards and held them up proudly, too. I clenchedP\ÀVWDQGSXPSHGWKHDLU7KHVWULNHUVFKHHUHGXV
Less than a dozen of the temp laborers agreed
to be escorted by police into the plant. Most of theguys got on the bus again and asked the driver totake us back to the agency. I listened to the men talkto each other as we rode. This bicentennial year was
VXSSRVHGWREHÀOOHGZLWKSDWULRWLVPEXWWKHJX\V
were sounding more and more like Theresa used to
talk.
“There’s more hard times coming, mark mywords.”“Yeah, but you can bet the rich are still gettin’richer.”“It wasn’t just Nixon—they’re all a bunch of
crooks. This new peanut man in the White House
isn’t going to change anything.”
They talked about the layoffs that had abruptly
altered their lives. Harrison, Chevrolet, Anaconda.
Fifteen years seniority, twenty years, thirty years.
“I gave Chevy my whole life,” Ben told me.
´:KHQ,JRWODLGRII ,ÀJXUHGLWZDVDYDFDWLRQ%XW
to tell you the truth, I’m scared shitless that I’m nevergoing back. My whole life’s in that plant, you knowwhat I mean?” I nodded. Ben nudged me. “We’ll still
get paid today for last week. Let’s go cash our checks
at the bar and have a drink.”
I shook my head. “Naw, I better get home.”´-HVXV-HVVH<RXDOZD\VKDYHVRPHWKLQJ\RX
gotta do. You’re gonna have a drink with me andthat’s that. Unless you think you’re too good for me.”,VLJKHG´-XVWRQHGULQNµ%HQVPLOHGDQG
thumped my thigh with his gloved hand.
Someone played “Stand By Your Man” on thebar jukebox. I was lost in my own past as Ben talked
to me about growing up without his father. “HowDERXW\RX-HVVH"µKHDVNHG´'LG\RXJURZXSZLWKyour dad around?” I nodded. “Were you close tohim?”
I shook my head. “No.”“Why not?”I shrugged. “Oh, it’s a long story. I don’t reallylike to talk about it.”
“Where’d you grow up?” he asked, signaling the
waitress for another round.
“Different places.” I worried that I couldn’t keep
up with this evasion for a third round.
The waitress brought two shots and two beers.
Ben smiled warmly at her. “Thank you, darlin’.”
Ben turned his attention back to me. “You know,
I’m curious about you.” I tensed. “I told my wife
about you. I told her there’s this guy I really like.”
Ben stopped and held up one hand. “Don’t get me
wrong.”
I waved away his momentary fear that I might
think he was sexually attracted to me. His speech wasa little slurred. “I told her that every time I try to get
to know this guy, he clams up. You know what mywife said? She says I’m the same way with her. Shesays that’s what she’s always complaining about.”%HQOHDQHGIRUZDUG´$UH\RXLQWURXEOH-HVVH"
’Cause if you are, you can tell me. I’m not much inlife. But I’m a good mechanic and a good friend. All
my buddies worked at Chevy with me. I miss thoseguys.” I nodded, thinking about my old friends.
“Are you running from the law?” he asked me.
Stone Butch Blues197

“’Cause if you are, I understand.” His voice dropped.
“I was in jail. Two years.”
Suddenly something changed in Ben. His wholebody settled into a stillness that frightened me, likethe smooth surface of a lake before a storm. I felt
the turbulence churning beneath his surface. Ben’s
hurt was presenting itself. I waited. Pain emerges at its
own pace. I sat in silence, my heart pounding. Maybe
this was just my imagination or the drama that Wild
Turkey ushers in. But when I looked at Ben I knew
I wasn’t wrong. The storm was closing in, and it was
too late to run.
Ben opened his wallet and pulled out two
pictures. “Did I ever show you my wife anddaughter?” I saw an exquisitely warm Down’sSyndrome smile on his daughter’s face. “I love that
FKLOGµ+LVH\HVÀOOHGZLWKWHDUV´6KH·VWDXJKWPHD
lot.” I wanted to ask him what he’d learned but I was
still emotionally barricading myself from Ben. He
wanted so much to know me, and I couldn’t let him.
What if I trusted him and I was wrong?
%HQÁLSSHGDVPDOOROGSKRWRRQWKHWDEOHLQ
front of me. I studied it and laughed. “Is that you?”
He nodded, without smiling. I looked at the young
Ben, a skinny kid with huge hands, slicked-back hair,and a beat-up leather jacket. “You were a greaser?”
He nodded again.
198

Leslie Feinberg“Nice bike,” I pointed to the Harley in thephoto. He smiled.
I could feel the pressure building. “When I wasyoung,” Ben said, “I thought I was a tough guy.”)XQQ\KRZPXFKPHQH[SUHVVLQDIHZÁDWZRUGV,W
was a butch’s way, too, of revealing heart.
“Then I got busted for stealing a car. You ever
EHHQDUUHVWHG-HVVH"µ,WRRNDGHHSEUHDWKDQG
shook my head no. Ben nodded. “I’d been in reform
school a couple of times. I was a wild kid, I broke
my poor mother’s heart.” Ben tossed back anothershot. The waitress caught my eye. Another round? I
shook my head slightly. “I was a tough guy. You thinkjail’s nothing, those guards can’t break me.” I leaned
toward him. I already knew.
And then suddenly it was there, in his eyes, all
RI WKLVVKDPH+LVH\HVÀOOHGZLWKZDWHU,ZDLWHGIRU
the tears to drip down his cheeks, but they didn’t. I
wanted to touch him, to lay my hand on his arm. But
I looked around at the guys we worked with every
day and I knew I couldn’t. I leaned closer to Ben. He
looked me in the eyes.
In silence, without words, his eyes told me what
had happened to him in prison. I didn’t look away.
Instead, I let him see himself in my own mirror. He
VDZKLVUHÁHFWLRQLQDZRPDQ·VH\HV

“I never told anyone,” Ben said, as though ourconversation had been out loud.
In his own way he had done what I had neverbeen able to do—reveal the humiliation. And I
wanted to trust him, to tell him everything. But I
was afraid. Yet I couldn’t leave him alone insidehimself. “You know why I like you so much, Ben?”His eyes were eager as a child’s for the answer. “I likeyou because you’re as gentle as you are strong.” Benblushed and dropped his eyes. “There’s something
about you, Ben, that’s good and that I trust. And
I’m wondering: how did you turn out this way? How
did you get from all your hurt to the man you arenow? What changed for you? What decisions did you
make?”The great bear smiled shyly. This was theintimacy he’d wanted, the attention he needed. He
leaned closer. “When I got out on parole, I went towork at a gas station. The mechanic there, Frank.
That guy changed my life.” Ben’s voice dropped
low. “Frank cared about me. He taught me to be amechanic. He taught me about a lot of things. But
there’s one thing he told me I’ll never forget. One day
I was gonna run away. There was this guy who wasalways fucking with me at the garage and I couldn’tÀJKWKLP·FDXVH,·GJREDFNWRWKHMRLQWLI ,GLG,WZDV

making me crazy. I was all upset inside, you know?” I
nodded.
“I wanted to kill that guy and then take off.
Frank knew. He pushed me up against the garage walland he was yelling at me, trying to get through.” Benlaughed. “You’d have to know what a quiet guy hewas to appreciate him yelling at me like that. I told
him I had to prove I was a man.” He took a swig ofbeer.
I smiled at the butchness in his story. “Whathappened?”“I’ll never forget what Frank told me. He said,‘You’re already a man, you don’t have to prove that.
You just have to prove what kind of man you want to
EH·µ0\H\HVÀOOHGZLWKWHDUV
Ben’s voice was as intimate as his smile. “What
DERXW\RX-HVVH":KDWPDGH\RXWKHZD\\RXDUH"
What’s your life been about?”
In a world with any justice I would have poured
out my life story to him. I would have given him backin kind the trust he’d shown to me. But I was afraidand so I betrayed him. “There’s not much to tell,” I
said.
He blinked in disbelief. I wanted him to let itgo, but he wouldn’t. He was brave enough to bloody
KLVKHDGDJDLQVWP\EULFNZDOODJDLQ´-HVVHµKH
whispered, “tell me something about you.”
Stone Butch Blues

199

I was frozen with fear, unable to collect mythoughts enough to invent a story that even appeared
to reveal something about me. “There’s nothing totell,” I told him. I was closed and protected. He wasleft naked.
The warmth drained from his face and angerrose to replace it. He was too gentle a man to lash out
at me. Like a butch, he kept it inside.
I stood up. “I’d better be going,” I said. He
nodded and stared at his beer bottle. I let my handrest for a moment on his shoulder. He would not
accept the comfort or look at me. I wanted to say, Ben,I’m so sorry I hurt you. I only did it because I was scared. I
didn’t know men could hurt the way I do. Please let me backinside.
But of course, I didn’t. Instead I said, “See you
Monday.”ŶŶŶThe loneliness became more and more unbearable. I
ached to be touched. I feared I was disappearing andI’d cease to exist if someone didn’t touch me.
One woman in particular turned my head every
morning: Annie, the waitress at the coffee shop near
my job. When she brought me coffee, it seemed she
200

Leslie Feinberg

didn’t notice me. But then she’d catch my eye andturn away from me, wrapping my attention aroundher like a shawl. She was as tough as a gangster. God,I liked Annie. She treated every customer like a trick.
She worked them for a tip and didn’t let them drop tillthey left it.
I sat at the counter and watched Annie relax
with her co-worker, Frances. The men in therestaurant seemed to think the women’s attention only
existed for them. If they had seen how intimate thewomen were with each other, the men might havebeen jealous. But they didn’t notice. I did.
Annie saw me at the counter. “Hey, sweetheart,what’s shaking this morning?”
I laughed. “How are you, Annie?”“Finer than a frog’s hair quartered, darlin’.
Whatcha havin’?”“Coffee and eggs over easy.”“You got it,” she said over her shoulder as she
swung away from me. Her body demanded I pay
attention.
Frances and Annie showed each other their kids’
school photos while they waited for their orders fromthe grill.
“Can I see?” I asked Annie as she brought me
my eggs.

She eyed me warily as she handed me the photo.
“Don’t see why not.”Four rows of sweet children’s faces looked backat me. “Which one?” I asked. Annie wiped her hands
on her apron and pointed out her daughter.
“God, she’s great,” I told her. “She’s got youreyes—smart and angry at the same time.”“Where do you see that?” Annie demanded as
she snatched the photo from my hand. She stormed
off. A moment later she brought my coffee andslammed it down so hard it sloshed over the rim of
the cup. Then she lifted it up, wiped the counter, andspilled it again. “Next time you want to read a book,go to the goddamn library.” She spun on her heel. I
put down a tip, paid the cashier, and left.
7KHQH[WGD\,EURXJKWKHUDVLQJOHÁRZHU´,·P
sorry I got personal,” I told her.
“Aw, well, I don’t mind you gettin’ personal,
GDUOLQ·-XVWWDNH\RXUGDPQVZHHWWLPHDERXWLW2."µ“Agreed,” I agreed.
´:KDWNLQGDÁRZHULVWKLVDQ\ZD\"µI smiled, “A mum for a mum.”She frowned. “Oh, I get it.”Annie’s body language was very reserved withme. But as soon as Annie and Frances got together,
she loosened up. They whispered. Frances smelled

WKHÁRZHUDQGSXWKHUKDQGRYHUKHUKHDUW$QQLH
smacked Frances on the shoulder.
I wanted to spend time with Annie when she
wasn’t working. It was no secret now.
Annie brought me a white paper bag. “What’s
this?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Coffee and a cherry danish.”
I was confused. “I didn’t ask for it.”´,GLGQ·WDVNIRUQRÁRZHUHLWKHU,W·VRQWKH
house,” she shot back. “It’s fresh. The danish is
fresh.”
I smiled, left a tip, and paid the cashier for mybreakfast. Then I came back to the counter and tried
to get Annie’s attention. She made me wait.
“Whatdya forget?” she asked.
“I wanted to know if you …” I hesitated. It
could be a big mistake to go out with someone who
knew my co-workers. She could make real trouble forme if she found out; I’d have to quit my job. But I
was desperately lonely.
“If I’d what?” She sounded suspicious.
“If you’d want to go out with me sometime?”
Annie put both her hands on her hips andlooked me up and down several times. “Ask me again
sometime.” Somehow I thought that was a good sign.
2XUVHULRXVÁLUWDWLRQEHJDQWKHQH[WPRUQLQJ
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201

It was fun. It felt good. It reminded me of the olddays between femmes and butches. But this was not
between women. At least that’s not how the world
around us saw it. And, I reminded myself over andover again, that’s not how Annie saw it.
The amazing part was that this courtship dance
could take place in public and everyone—co-workers
and strangers alike—encouraged and approved.
Meanwhile, Anita Bryant was thumping the Bible ina well-publicized campaign to overturn a simple gay
rights ordinance. I wondered how human affection
could be judged so differently.
:KHQ,ÀQDOO\JRWXSWKHQHUYHWRDVN$QQLH
out again, she wiped her hands on her apron andanswered, “Sure, I guess. Why not?”Friday night I knocked on her door. It took
a long time for her to answer. I heard her yelling
something. I got a funny feeling in the pit of mystomach. Annie only opened the door partway.
“Uh …” she started. I could see a child wrappedaround her legs.
“It’s OK,” I interrupted. She wanted to cancel. I
tried to conceal my disappointment. “Maybe anothertime.”“Wait,” she opened the door all the way. “I mean
if you want to come in I could make you some coffee
202Leslie Feinberg

or something.” I did want to come in.
The three of us stood awkwardly in her livingroom. “My babysitter, well it’s my sister’s kid actually,
she got sick, so I have Kathy home tonight and she’s
running a little fever.”I raised my hand to stop her. “It’s OK. I can see
you’ve got your hands full. Relax!”Annie unwound a notch. “Sit down. Would you
like something to eat? I could make us something.”“Aren’t you sick of serving food?”
She laughed. “It’s OK. I don’t mind.”“Want me to sit in the kitchen so you canfunction in one room?” She smiled and nodded.
I set the small canvas bag I’d brought on theÁRRUQHDUWKHFRXFKRXWRI VLJKW0D\EHEULQJLQJ
a dildo had been too optimistic. Then again, beingcaught without one could present its own crisis. I
tried to breathe past my anxiety as I followed Annie
and Kathy into the kitchen.
“Can I help?” I offered.
She looked surprised, “Naw, that’s OK.”
Kathy clung to Annie’s leg with one arm andclutched a stuffed rabbit with the other. I smiled
at Kathy. “Does your rabbit have a fever, too?”
Kathy looked at the rabbit and then at me withoutanswering.

“Later,” I told Kathy, “if you think your rabbit
has a fever, I’ll take its temperature. Is it a girl rabbit
or a boy?” Kathy held the rabbit up in the air as
though I could determine its sex.
“Ah, it’s a girl,” I surmised. Kathy looked up at
her mother.
“Go show him your rabbit,” Annie urged. Kathy
shook her head violently and clung to her mother forprotection.
“You like macaroni and cheese?” Annie asked. I
hate macaroni and cheese.
“That would be great,” I answered.
Annie served up three plates of sliced ham,macaroni and cheese, corn and white bread. The
ÀUVWSODWHKDGVPDOOSRUWLRQVZLWKSLFWXUHVRI WKH
Flintstones still visible underneath. “Is that mine?” I
asked Kathy. She shook her head and squeezed her
bunny tighter.
Annie set my plate in front of me and sat down.
.DWK\KHOGXSDQHPSW\JODVV$QQLHMXPSHGXSWRÀOO
it with milk. “Want a beer?” she asked me while therefrigerator door was open.
“Sure,” I said.
“Need a glass?” I shook my head. She smiled.
Annie brought two beer bottles to the table andsat back down. We lifted our beers in a toast. Kathy

tried to do the same thing. Her glass tipped over,pouring milk all over the table. Annie immediately
tried to mop the milk off my plate with her napkin.
I jumped up and came back from the sink with asponge. We got most of it.
Annie looked tense. “Your meal’s all spoiled.”“Naw,” I said, “milk’s good for you.”
Kathy seemed ready to cry. She hugged her
bunny tighter. I smiled at her. “Sometimes when I
drop something I think everybody is gonna be madat me,” I told her. “I’m not mad at you.” Kathy
narrowed her eyes as she checked me out, just the way
her mother did.
“Would it make you feel better if I spilled
my beer?” I asked her. Kathy smiled and nodded
emphatically.
“Don’t you dare,” Annie warned me with ahidden smile.
The rest of the dinner went much smoother.
After dessert Kathy thrust her bunny at me. “Takeher temperature?” I asked. She nodded.
“This wabbit needs to go to bed soon,” I told
her. “I think she’s got a cold.” Kathy weighed theinformation and nodded. “Does your wabbit need a
EDWKÀUVW"µ,DVNHG.DWK\VKRRNKHUKHDGIURPVLGH
to side.
Stone Butch Blues203

“Oh yes, she does,” Annie laughed and scooped
up Kathy in her arms.
I was washing the last of the dishes when Anniecame up behind me. She grabbed a dishtowel off therefrigerator door. I washed the pots while she dried
the dishes. It felt good. But the longer Annie dried
dishes, the angrier she seemed to become. “What’sup?” I asked her.
She threw down the towel and glared at me. “I’mnot an easy lay, you know. You guys know a woman
ZLWKDNLG·VEHHQIXFNHGEHIRUHVR\RXÀJXUH\RXFDQ
get whatever you want, right?”
I rinsed a sponge under the faucet and walked
over to the kitchen table to wipe it off. “I got what I
wanted at dinner,” I told her.
She looked stunned. “What, macaroni andcheese in milk gravy?” We both laughed.
“I just wanted to spend some time with you
when we’re both off-duty, you know.”“Why?” She measured me with those keen eyes
again.
“I like you. I guess I really like tough cookies,
and god knows, you are one.”
6KHVKRRNKHUKHDG´,FDQ·WÀJXUH\RXRXWµ“So what?”´6RDPDQ\RXFDQ·WÀJXUHRXWLVDGDQJHURXV
204

Leslie Feinberg

man,” she told me. She came closer. My body turned
toward hers. It was happening.
“I’m not dangerous,” I promised. “I’mcomplicated, but I’m not dangerous.”“Whatchya lookin’ for, darlin’?” Annie ran herÀQJHUVOLJKWO\WKURXJKP\KDLU2KJRGLWIHOWVR
good.
I sighed deeply. “I’ve been hurt. I’m not looking
to get married, I’m not looking to disrespect anyone. I
guess I just need some comfort.”“That’s it?” she probed. “Like a one-nighter?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know,” I told
her honestly.
Annie weighed my words carefully in the scalesof her own need. She turned away from me, but I
knew after a moment it was alright to touch her. I
kissed the closest cheek. My lips brushed her ear andtraveled down her neck. I could hear her breathingchange. She turned and looked at me for a long
moment before offering me her mouth. We kissed
deeply, but still carefully. Slowly we began to moveagainst each other. I could feel how she offered her
body to a man as a test. I was gentle. I was slow.
Gradually her body became aware that my tempo
ZDVVOLJKWO\EHKLQGKHUV+HUIDFHÁXVKHGZLWKKHDW
She pressed her pelvis against mine and looked at me
quizzically. We both knew I didn’t have a hard-on.

“Mommy!” Kathy called from upstairs. Annie
looked apologetic. I nodded toward the sound of
Kathy’s voice. Annie was gone for a few minutes.
6KHFDPHEDFNLQWRWKHNLWFKHQDQGÀOOHGDSODVWLF
Cinderella glass with water. “I’ll be right back,” shesaid hoarsely.
I remembered the bag I’d left in the other room.
1RZZDVGHÀQLWHO\WKHULJKWWLPHWRJHWLW,JUDEEHG
the bag and raced into the bathroom. I locked thedoor and took off my pants and BVDs.
7KHKDUQHVVDQGUXEEHUFRFNÀWQLFHO\LQP\briefs. I pulled my pants back on and checked mywallet for a condom. I heard Annie call my name
IURPWKHNLWFKHQ,ÁXVKHGWKHWRLOHWUDQWKHWDS
water for a moment, and came out to meet her. I wasout of breath.
“What were you doing in there, running?” shelaughed.
It would take time to get back the feeling. I ran
P\ÀQJHUVWKURXJKKHUKDLUShe closed her eyes and parted her lips. The
phone rang. We both laughed. “Forget it,” she said. It
kept ringing. I pulled her close to me. She pressed herpelvis against mine. This time she smiled.
She pulled back and searched my face with hereyes. I leaned against the sink and waited for her tocome back to me. Then she took my hand and led me
to her bedroom.
Annie was afraid. I knew that was true. What she
couldn’t know was that I was too. I wanted so muchto be in her arms that I was willing to risk exposureand humiliation.
She turned on the light in her bedroom as wewalked in. A Harley-Davidson gas tank hung from theceiling. “You like bikes?” she asked me. I nodded. I
walked over to the light switch and snapped it off. She
stood awkwardly near her bed. I came up behind her
and rested my hands on her shoulders. I lifted her hairwith one hand and nipped the nape of her neck withmy lips. I pressed my pelvis gently against her ass as
I pulled her shoulders back so that my mouth could
take more of her neck.
Annie turned and gently pulled me down on thebed. She trembled. “Are you afraid?” I asked.
“Fuck you,” she answered with a twisted smile.
“You’ve been hurt before,” I said to myself out
loud.
“What woman hasn’t?” she snapped.
I rolled over on my back and pulled her against
my body. “I’d really like to make you feel good,” I
whispered. “If you’d trust me enough to show me
what you want.”
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205

“What’s your trip, mister?” she snorted. “Youwant to fuck or not?”“We can if you want to,” I said. “Or we can doother things. It’s up to you.”
Annie did a double take. “Whatdya mean it’s up
to me?”“It’s your body. What do you want? I mean, you
can show me how you really want to be touched. Or
you can act excited and hope I come—not too quick,but don’t take too long—right?”
Annie shook her head and sat bolt upright.
“You’re scaring me,” she said.
“Because I want you to really be there when I
touch you?”
She nodded, “Yeah, exactly.” I lay quietly.
“I don’t know if I can,” she said.
I sat up and took her in my arms. “Try,” I
whispered and pulled her down on top of me. I rolled
Annie over on her back as I kissed her, deep and long.
,XQEXWWRQHGKHUEORXVHZLWKVORZVWHDG\ÀQJHUV
and teased her breasts for a long time before I came
QHDUKHUQLSSOHVZLWKP\ÀQJHUWLSV7KHQ,EUXVKHG
them, lightly, and felt her body shudder. I took eachnipple in my mouth and played with it ever so gently.
Somehow she told me with her body where to touch,how to touch, when to touch. As I rubbed the front
206

Leslie Feinberg

of her jeans I could feel her passion building, but she
deserved the luxury of wanting it real bad.
Then she said something to me I knew took a
lot of courage. “I’ve always wanted to come before I
fuck.” She turned her head away in shame.
I kissed the part of her throat she left exposed.
“Anything you want,” I told her.
She turned her head to look at me. She had tears
in her eyes. “Anything?” she asked.
Together we began to undress her—my need,her urgency. I pulled off my chinos and my dress
shirt. I was wearing only a white T-shirt and BVDs.
My hands ran up her thighs and down the insidecrevices. I could feel her heat and wetness throughher underwear. I began to work my body down her,using my lips and tongue to create new erogenous]RQHVDOORYHUKHUULEFDJHDQGVWRPDFK0\ÀQJHUV
took hold of the elastic on her underwear and began
to slide it down her thighs as her hands grabbed my
HDUVÀUPO\DQGVWRSSHGPH
I looked at her with a question on my face. “I’mjust gettin’ over my period,” she said.
I shrugged. “So?”Emotions played across Annie’s face: disbelief,
anger, relief, pleasure. Pleasure was the unmistakableemotion still on her face as I began to tease her thighswith my mouth. She gave into her own desire and, in
doing so, reached her orgasm with an almost relaxedtrust.
I held her close to me as her breathing slowed.
6KHUDQKHUÀQJHUVWKURXJKP\KDLUVWURNHGP\EDFNHer touch felt so good that tears welled up in my eyesand spilled down my cheeks. “What’s wrong, darlin’?”she asked with concern. I shook my head and buried
my face in her shoulder. For the moment her arms
protected me from my own life.
My mouth was near her nipple. I felt Annie’s
breath quicken. She tugged at my T-shirt. “Take it
off,” she insisted. I hesitated. It was dark in the room.
I was on top of her, so she couldn’t see the two lines
across my chest that revealed it had been reshaped.
I took off my T-shirt. Annie ran her nails
across my shoulders, down my back. I shivered with
SOHDVXUH+HUQDLOVSUHVVHGGHHSHULQWRP\ÁHVKDVVKH
moved her pelvis against mine. She was relaxed withme, until the moment I was above her, ready to enter
her. I stroked her thighs until she looked up at me.
“It’s for you, or not at all,” I told her.
“I want you so bad,” she whispered hoarsely. We
both moaned softly as she said that. I pulled my dildocarefully out of my briefs in the dark, afraid of being
discovered. What made me think this could work?

I rolled a condom onto my dildo. “I don’t think I
can have any more kids,” she told me.
“I don’t want to take any chances, and it’s up tome, after all,” I said.
“Well, ain’t that a switch,” she laughed.
I pushed the head of my cock gently insideof her. She tensed her body; I waited. Then Annie
relaxed and her hips began to move, pulling me
into her. When I was deep inside of her I lay still
RQWRSRI KHU2XUERGLHVUHOD[HGÀWWLQJLQWRHDFKother. I didn’t move until she did. I stroked her justa little slower than her motion demanded; her bodydemanded more.
I felt her orgasm building long before she came.
As she began to come her hands clawed at my back.
Once she pulled my hair so hard I cried out with her.
As her orgasm began to ebb I followed it gently—
circles in the broken surface of a pool of water. I
searched with her for the next orgasm before the last
one had subsided. Together we found it, and later asmaller one.
´2K-HVVHµ,WVRXQGHGVRSUHWW\WKHZD\VKH
VLJKHGP\QDPH+HUÀQJHUWLSVVOLGGRZQP\EDFN
like warm raindrops.
I was still rock hard inside of her. We both
realized it at once. “What’s the matter, darlin’, you
stuck?”
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207

“I can’t come with a rubber on,” I said. “Letme take it off and I’ll pull out just before I come, I
promise.”She turned her head away. “I’ve heard that one
before.”“I promise. Trust me.”“Lord have mercy, those are the four mostdangerous words out of a man’s mouth. OK,
sweetheart, you’re lucky I don’t think I can get
pregnant again.”It’s true I faked an ejaculation, but not mypleasure. Annie’s body felt so good. She kissed me
deep and slow, moved for me, gave me everything awoman can give to a lover, and I was excited. At the
moment when it became unbearable for me to go
on any longer I pulled out gently, ground my pelvis
against the sheets, and cried out.
I lay face down on the bed with my head restingon her belly. Her hands played with my hair. HerÀQJHUWLSVUDQDFURVVP\VKRXOGHUVDURXVLQJWKH
surface of my skin. I wished I could just stay in thatmoment in time.
We lay together without speaking for a while. “Ihave to go to the bathroom,” I said.
“Me too,” she laughed.
´0HÀUVWµ6WLOOIDFHGRZQ,WXFNHGP\GLOGR
208

Leslie Feinberg

into my briefs. I turned away from her, slipped on my
T-shirt, and headed to the bathroom in the darkness.
I locked the door, pulled my bag out from behind thetub, and replaced my dildo with a sock in my briefs. I
looked in the mirror as I splashed cold water on myface. Still me looking back at me.
There was a knock at the bathroom door. I
unlocked it. Annie came into my arms and kissed me
deeply. She put her hand gently between my thighs
and squeezed the sock. “I got a lot of pleasure out of
this tonight,” she said. “It was like magic.” My bodytensed, and she withdrew her hand.
I stroked her hair. “All magic is illusion,” I
admitted.
The light was on when I returned to the
bedroom. I clicked it off. Annie came back and sat
down on the edge of the bed. “Hungry?” she askedme.
“Mmm,” I pulled her back on top of me andkissed her until I realized I was making promises I
couldn’t keep. “I’m tired,” I said, “but I want to holdyou.”
Annie came into my arms and nestled against myshoulder. “You are one strange man.”“Whatdya mean?”“First of all, I never met a guy who wasn’t afraid

of a little bit of woman’s blood. But you know what’s
the weirdest about you?”
Every muscle in my body got hard, except
the sock. Annie laughed. “Relax, baby. I’m notcomplaining. What really blew me away is that you
knew I had to take care of my kid and you didn’t
demand my attention till she went to bed. That, andthe fact that even my ex-husband never did the dishes,and he’s the one that dirtied most of them.”
Annie shook her head. “You don’t fuck likesome other guys, either.” I rolled over on my stomach
protectively. She massaged my shoulders. “I mean,
you take your time, you know. It’s like you got a brain
in your dick instead of a dick for a brain, you know?”
We both laughed and rolled around on the bed
together.
I fell asleep, safe in her arms.
7KHÀUVWYRLFH,DZRNHWRZDV.DWK\·V´&DQ
I turn on the cartoons?” Annie mumbled, “Goahead.” Shortly afterward she kissed me on the ear
and got up to make breakfast. While Annie cookedpancakes, Kathy sat on my lap and told me everything
she could think of about Road Runner and Wile E.
Coyote. Annie tried to hide her pleasure at watching
us together. “She’s usually scared of men,” Annie said
when Kathy left the room. “You’re real good withher.”

I noticed Annie’s body language as she cooked.
“Something on your mind?” I asked.
She turned and wiped her hands on her apron.
“I know this is crazy to ask you.”“Go ahead,” I said.
“Well, my sister’s getting married tomorrow, and,
well, it’s crazy, I mean it’s too short notice and you
didn’t commit to nothing last night—”“Yeah, sure,” I said.
Annie sat down in a kitchen chair next to mine.
“You really don’t mind?”“I really don’t mind, as long as you understand.”
6KHSUHVVHGKHUÀQJHUWLSVDJDLQVWP\OLSV´0\heart asks for more sometimes,” she said, “but myhead wants the same thing you do.” I nodded.
Annie got up and walked to the stove. “There’s
one catch,” I added. She didn’t turn around, but her
HQWLUHERG\FOHQFKHGOLNHDÀVW´:KDW"µVKHVDLGRYHU
her shoulder.
“We have to go on my Harley. It’s the only
wheels I got.”
Annie took off her apron, threw it in the sinkand came over and sat on my lap. She kissed mymouth so sweetly. “Nine o’clock,” she said, “not aminute later.”
I got near her place at 8:30 actually. I turned off
the engine a block away and rolled it in front of her
Stone Butch Blues

209

house so I wouldn’t wake the whole neighborhood.
I sat on her porch, smoking a cigarette, until I heard
her door open and Annie said, “You comin’ in ornot?”
She looked me up and down appreciatively.
“You look real handsome, darlin’.” My blush visibly
GHOLJKWHGKHU´,JRWWDÀQLVKJHWWLQ·GUHVVHG,PDGH
coffee,” she called out from her bedroom.
“I’ll get it,” I yelled back, “you want some?”
She came to the door of her bedroom, holding
the back of her dress together. “Yeah.” She smiled.
´+HOSPH]LSP\GUHVVXSÀUVWµ6KHORRNHGEDFNDW
me over her shoulder as I did. I kissed the side of her
face. Her hair was swept up and held in place withbobby pins. I kissed the base of her neck. “You keepthat up and I’ll never get ready, darlin’,” she pulledaway from me.
I got two cups of coffee and brought them toher bedroom door. The door was ajar, but I knockedon the doorframe. “Your coffee’s out here.”
When she came out moments later I sucked in
my breath and let it out slowly. She smoothed her
dress. “How do I look?”
I sighed. “Like I died and went to heaven.” She
made a face and lifted her arms to wrap them aroundmy neck, but I pulled back and handed her an orchidcorsage I bought the night before.
210

Leslie Feinberg

She blinked back tears. Then she sounded angry.
“Whadya go and do that for?” she scolded. I smiled at
the powerful woman who stood before me. Her facesoftened and she smiled back.
“Where’s Kathy?” I asked her.
She scowled, “With Frances, from the restaurant.
My ex-husband might be skulking around thewedding.” I didn’t understand, but I let it drop.
The wedding was a formal church affair. I’dnever been to a wedding before. Everyone in theaudience looked so teary-eyed and melted by theceremony. Annie’s sister honestly had to promise toobey this guy for the rest of her life before the priest
would proclaim the two married. I thought it was kindof feudal.
The reception was held outdoors. There weretables and chairs set up all over the lawn. Drinks andfood were served under a huge striped tent.
Annie introduced me to all her people who’dtraveled up to Buffalo for the wedding. She stayed
on my arm the whole time. I met Cousin Wilma. SheÁDVKHGDQHYLOVPLOH´+RZZRQGHUIXOLWZDVRI \RX
to agree to come with Annie today.” Annie squeezed
my arm like a tourniquet.
“It’s my pleasure.” I put my hand on Annie’s
hand which was cutting off the circulation in my arm.

Without taking my eyes off Annie’s I told Wilma, “It
isn’t everyday that a woman as strong and beautiful as
Annie will give me the time of day.” Wilma turned onher heel, and Annie chuckled into my shoulder.
“Get us a bottle of champagne,” she said.
I did. “How many glasses, sir?” the bartenderasked me.
“One.” I picked up a small bottle of club soda.
“Can I have this?” The bartender nodded.
“What’s that for?” Annie wanted to know.
“Hell, somebody’s got to drive us home.” Shekissed me so tenderly right then and there under thetent that not a man or a woman within eyesight didn’t
stare wistfully.
Annie and I found a shady place under a tree
where we could watch all the goings-on. She kicked
off her shoes. I put my suit jacket down for her to sit
on. Annie shook her head. “Your momma sure taught
her little boy some manners.”
She gave me the lowdown on all her folks: who
was a closet drunk, who beat or cheated on their wife
and who was giving it to the milkman.
“That fag,” she said contemptuously. I was
stunned at the hatred in her eyes. She was glaring
DWDPDQLQKLVHDUO\ÀIWLHV+LVDUPZDVDURXQGWKH
shoulder of one of the many aunts who roamed thereception. “Who let that queer in here?” Annie hissed.

“Is he really gay?” I asked her.
“You bet. Probably fuckin’ all the children in thefamily.”´-HH]$QQLHµ0\EORRGUDQFROG´+RZFDQ\RX
hate somebody just because of who they love?”
She looked at me with shock. “You likefaggots?”
I shrugged. “We aren’t all the same, Annie. So
what?”She shook her head and spat on the ground. “Iwouldn’t let a faggot near my daughter.”I thought before I spoke. “Annie, if anybody was
gonna fuck with Kathy it would probably be a straight
guy, not a gay man.”“Yeah?” she yelled. Annie stood up and grippedthe champagne bottle tightly at her side. “Well, I ain’t
lettin’ no funny men around my daughter. I left myown husband ’cause I caught him molesting Kathy. I
tried to kill the man with my bare hands. No fucking
fags are coming near my girl, you understand?”I did understand that this conversation could go
no further. Annie kicked up some dirt and grass withher pumps and then sat down again. “Aw, shit, what’re
we wasting our time talkin’ about queers for anyway?”
I couldn’t wait till we left the reception. Annierode with her arms around my neck and her face
Stone Butch Blues

211

against my back. By the time we got to her home both
her shoes were gone and the exhaust pipe had burneda hole in the hem of her dress. “Pay it no mind,”
Annie said. She was drunk.
When we got to the porch she threw her arms
around me. “You comin’ in, darlin’?”“Naw,” I said. “I gotta get ready for work in themorning.”
She looked down at her stocking feet and backup to my face. “I ain’t gonna see you again, am I?”
she asked.
I looked down at my shoes. “I don’t think so.”
She nodded. “Why not?” It hurt my heart theway she asked it.
“I’m afraid I’d fall in love with you,” I said. It
was partly true, but it sure didn’t tell the whole story.
It’s one thing for the magician to reveal the art ofillusion. It’s another thing to tell a straight woman thatthe man she slept with is a woman. That’s not what
Annie agreed to get into. Sooner or later it was goingto blow up. And after this afternoon, I had even morereason to fear the explosion.
“What’s wrong with falling in love? What’s thematter with you guys, anyway?” she slurred.
“I’ve been hurt, Annie. I need time.”“Shit, I thought you were different. You ain’t any
212

Leslie Feinberg

different from any other guy who stands to pee.”“Well,” I shrugged, “maybe just a little
different.”“You tell that woman who hurt you I’m gonna
come after her and rip her to shreds. She spoiled it for
the rest of us.” Annie’s smile faded. “Ain’t no use us
standing out here talkin’, is it? You best be goin’.”I nodded. We looked at each other for a long
moment. I took the keys from her hand and unlocked
the front door. I kissed her lightly on the mouth.
“Hey, thanks for what you said to Wilma backthere.”“I meant every word of it.”She looked me straight in the eyes. “Thanks foreverything, darlin’.” I smiled and turned to go. She
stood on the porch and watched me kick-start mybike. “Hey,” she yelled over the roar of the engine.
“What?” I cupped my hand near my ear to hear.
“The wabbit.”“What?”“Kathy’s wabbit.”
I nodded and strained to hear what she wasrepeating.
“Kathy’s wabbit isn’t a girl, it’s a boy!”

17
I FELT LIGHT-HEADED AND DIZZY. My
stomach clenched. I was about to heave my guts
up. The worst part of it was I knew I couldn’t leave
the injection-mold machine I was working on. If I
switched it off, the plastic would harden throughout
the machine. The machines ran continuously—therepetitive sounds were the music we worked to in themolding department.
I looked around for the foreman, but I didn’t see
KLPRQWKHVKRSÁRRU,WULHGWRFRQFHQWUDWHRQP\ZRUN,FKHFNHGWKHEDUUHOÀOOHGZLWKSODVWLFSHOOHWV
on the skid to my left and pushed the suction hose ina little deeper. Puffs of steam shot from the machine
as it cooked the pellets and popped out little plastic
parts. It stunk as bad as a burning rubber dish drain.
Mind over matter. I willed myself not to think
about the stench, my stomach, and the hot, stagnant
air in the factory. Matter won out. I vomited all over

WKHVLGHRI WKHPDFKLQHDQGWKHJUHDV\FRQFUHWHÁRRU
Bolt ran to me. He was lead man on the setup crew. He put his hand on my shoulder while I
threw up my breakfast. “It’s OK, you’ll be OK,” hereassured. I was more embarrassed than anything.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Bolt
pulled an oily rag out of the back pocket of his blue
work chinos and handed it to me. “You’re the third
guy on this shift to puke.”“How hot you think it is in here today, Bolt?”“Hundred and ten degrees.”
I whistled. “That’s probably right on the nose.
How do you do that?”
Bolt laughed. “The thermometer on the wall inassembly. You alright?”“Yeah,” I smiled sheepishly. Throwing up had
only made the smell worse.

Bolt patted my shoulder. “No shame in puking. I
do it myself about every Saturday night. I’ll send oneof the guys from maintenance over to clean this up.”
“Hey, Bolt, what are these parts we’re making?”
Bolt shrugged. “Something for computers.”
I shook my head. “It’s weird to spend half mywaking day making something and I don’t even knowwhat the hell it is.”Bolt laughed. “Be glad it has something to dowith computers. That means we’ll probably bothhave a job down the line.” He started to walk away
and then hesitated. Bolt turned around and put his
hand on my shoulder. “Listen,” he said, “if you’reinterested, there may be a job opening up soon inshipping and receiving. At least you can breathe inthere. How long you been working here?”,WKRXJKWDERXWLW´$OPRVWD\HDU%XWWKHÀUVW
three months I was a temp, I don’t know if thatcounts.”Bolt nodded. “I get around the plant. I’ll keep
my ear to the ground for you.” He slapped me on theshoulder and walked away.
$IHZPLQXWHVODWHU-LPP\FDPHRYHUWRFOHDQXSP\YRPLW-LPP\ZDV0RKDZN$OOWKHRWKHUJX\V
on the maintenance and set-up gangs were white.
“Can I help you clean it up?” I asked him. “It is
214

Leslie Feinberg

my mess, after all.”-LPP\VKRRNKLVKHDG´-XVWDMREµ´'RHV%ROWOHW\RXZRUNÀ[LQJWKHPDFKLQHV
much, or mostly clean up?”
-LPP\H\HGPHVXVSLFLRXVO\WKHQKHVKUXJJHG
“Bolt’s not a bad guy. He tries to throw some decent
work my way.”
The lunch whistle blew. “I better not eat lunch,”,WROG-LPP\´,·PVXUH\RXJRWHQRXJKZRUNWRGR
this afternoon.”
He laughed. “The air in here doesn’t move. You
should get outside and breathe.”I punched out for lunch and started to walkto the shipping and receiving end of the plant. The
factory was the size of a large supermarket. I didn’tknow the guys on this end; I’d never even been backhere. It was another world, and besides, I was afraid
to leave the safety of working alone on a machine.
When I got to shipping and receiving, all the guys
had already gone to lunch. I walked out on the open
loading dock. The temperature was thirty degrees
cooler. The summer air smelled fresh.
I wanted to stay at this plant. No one knew meout here in Tonawanda, on the outskirts of Buffalo.
But working that machine was making me sick. Maybeit was worth taking a risk and bidding for this job.

ŶŶŶ

Scotty was at least thirty years my senior, but I could
never have gotten that last box hoisted up and into
place in the truck’s trailer without him. My arms felt
like jelly after loading this one. Scotty wasn’t evenwinded.
“So how do you like working in shipping andreceiving, young fella?” Scotty asked me.
´&DQ,EUHDWKHÀUVW"µ“Sure. You’ll get the rhythm of this job down.
You work real hard, then you take it easy. It’s almost
lunchtime. Come on, let’s go wash up.”
I took a deep breath as we walked into the men’sroom together. It looked just like the one on the otherend of the plant. There was a huge concrete circular
sink in the center of the room. Scotty and I eachslapped the powdered soap dispenser in the middleof the sink and stepped on the foot pedals that sent
sprays of water our way.
“You got a locker yet?” Scotty asked me. I shookmy head. “C’mon,” he said, “follow me.”Scotty silenced the banter in the locker room.
´6RPHRI \RXJX\VPHW-HVVHWKLVPRUQLQJ+HMXVW
got transferred from operator.”
Except for Scotty and Walter, most of the guys

were in their late twenties or early thirties. Walter
shook my hand. “Hey, son. You worked here long?”
I shook my head. “A year.”He laughed. “Where’d you work before?”
I shrugged. “Around.” Walter and Scotty glanced
at each other.
I was relieved when another one of the guys
interrupted us. “I’m Ernie. This here’s my sidekick,Skids. I used to be an operator. I quit when I started
coughing up blood.”
Skids threw a towel at him. “You coughed up
blood because you smoke, asshole.” Ernie grabbed
Skids in a headlock and ran his knuckles back andforth across Skids’ scalp.
A young man with a ponytail shook my hand.
“I’m Pat.”
Ernie laughed. “You haven’t met Patty yet?”
Pat made a face at Ernie. “Shut up. I’ll tell you
before they do: I was a conscientious objector. If you
got a problem with that, keep it to yourself.”
Skids thrust his chest out. “I was in ’Nam. Hey,
-HVVH'LG\RXJHWGUDIWHGRUGLG\RXMRLQXS"µAll the blood rushed to my head. I wished I wasback in the molding department where the noise levelprotected me from idle questions. “I didn’t go,” I
mumbled.
Stone Butch Blues

215

Ernie groaned. “Another one. What’d you do,tell them a fairy tale?”
I thought hard. “I was exempt. Medical.”Walter interrupted. “Leave the kid alone. You
got a locker? Here, use this one.”“Hey,” Ernie said. “You need to spice up thatlocker a little.” I knew what he meant. All the otherguys had pin-up posters on their locker doors. “Getyourself a calendar from the restaurant on the corner.
We all go there together on payday. Miss August will
cook your balls. Hey, Walter, you better get one, too.”
Walter shook his head slowly. “Some guys need
SLFWXUHVVRPHJX\VJRWWKHUHDOWKLQJ5LJKW-HVVH"µI smiled. “I brought my pin-up over from my
old locker.” Ernie handed me two bandaids from theÀUVWDLGNLWRQWKHZDOO,XVHGWKHPWRWDSHXSDFRORU
magazine ad of my old Norton.
3DWZKLVWOHG´,·GUDWKHUULGH-HVVH·VWKDQ\RXUVErnie.”The lunch whistle blew. I looked around for
Scotty, but he was gone. “Hey, Walter, where’s
Scotty?”Walter shrugged and pantomimed lifting a bottle
to his lips. “He’s having a rough go of it. His wife’s
dying of cancer. He don’t stick around when the guys
start talking about pussy.”
216

Leslie FeinbergŶŶŶ

By the end of the summer I was considered oneof the guys. I actually looked forward to coming towork most mornings because it was my only humancontact.
Friday at lunchtime we were headed to the
Italian restaurant on the corner when Bolt stopped
me. “You know somebody named Frankie?”
I felt the blood rush up into my face. “What’s helook like?”
Bolt shook his head. “It’s not a he. It’s abulldagger. She used to work with you at a bindery—said you two were on strike together. She told me you
did a lot of work with the union.”Frankie told Bolt about me. She must have. I
ZRQGHUHGLI ,VKRXOGTXLWQRZ-XVWZDONRXWRQWKH
dock, hop down onto the driveway, and keep on
walking to my bike. “Where did you meet Frankie?” I
asked Bolt.
“She was on second shift. Starting Monday she’s
moving onto day side. She’s an operator. She said
you’re a good guy.”
I blinked in disbelief. “She said that?”
Bolt nodded. “She said you’re a good unionman.”I laughed in relief. “How did she know I worked
here?”“She saw you leaving the parking lot. She afriend of yours?” Bolt asked me.
´1DZµ,GLVWDQFHGP\VHOI´-XVWVRPHERG\,
used to work with.” My own disloyalty sickened me.
Bolt headed for the dock. “You coming tolunch?”
I shook my head. “I’ll be along, go ahead.”
It was a relief to be alone. I wandered into thewarehouse and sat down on a stack of skids to think
about Bolt’s bombshell.
Frankie was coming onto the day shift. It
scared me to realize she might have exposed me. But
apparently she didn’t. Frankie was sharp. She must
KDYHÀJXUHGRXWWKHVFRUHULJKWDZD\$IHHOLQJRI H[FLWHPHQWÁRRGHGPH:RUNLQJ
with another butch! Maybe we could hang out
sometimes. Maybe she knew where some of theold crowd was. Maybe she could introduce me to afemme.
“Hey, young fella.” Scotty interrupted my
WKRXJKWV+HZDVVLWWLQJRQWKHÁRRUOHDQLQJXSDJDLQVWWKHVNLGV6FRWW\XQVFUHZHGDERWWOHRI -DFN
Daniels and offered it to me.
“Thanks,” I said, taking a swig.

Scotty tipped the bottle to his lips and swallowed
three times. We sat in silence. “You married?” heasked me. I shook my head.
He dropped his head to his chest. “My wife’s
real sick.” He rubbed his eyes with his hands. His facebrightened. “Did I ever show you a picture of mywife?”
I shook my head. He pulled out a leather wallet,
thin and smooth from wear. “Here she is. That’s mygirl.”
I laughed and whistled. “That’s you?”
He smiled. “Yep. You think I was born this age?
I was once a young fella just like you. Had my whole
life ahead of me.”We both laughed. But when I looked at him
DJDLQKLVH\HVZHUHÀOOHGZLWKWHDUV+LVYRLFH
sounded hoarse. “I wish I could go before she does.
I know that sounds terrible. I mean, who would takecare of her, you know? But sometimes I don’t think I
can stand letting go of her when the time comes.”
His head dropped down again. I reached out andlay my hand gently on his back, ready to remove it
quickly if my touch offended him. It didn’t.
“You’re young,” Scotty said, abruptly. “Don’t get
stuck in a job like this.”
I shrugged. “This job seems pretty good to me.”Stone Butch Blues217

Scotty shook his head. “I mean a real job. I had
twenty years in the Chevy plant. I got my UAW card,
you want to see it? Twenty years of my life in a plant
and they laid me off. Can you believe it?”“Chevy? Did you work with Bolt?”
Scotty nodded. “Yeah. But he wasn’t there aslong as I was. He worked at Harrison for a while. Got
laid off there, too.”
Bolt interested me. “Was he in the same union?”“All us old-timers are UAW,” he said. “I’ll be aunion man on the day they lower my casket into theground. You gotta have a union, young fella. If you
GRQ·WKDYHDXQLRQ\RXEHWWHUÀJKWWRJHWRQHµ
I laughed. “Not too likely we’ll get one here any
time soon.”
Scotty shrugged. “Well, you never can tell.
There’s been talk. We need a union here. I’m too old
to do it. You young ones, you’re gonna have to do it.”I sighed. “I wish we had a union, too. But I justwant to keep my job, Scotty. By the way, what do you
think about Bolt? He seems like a good guy.”
6FRWW\ZDJJHGKLVÀQJHUQHDUP\QRVH´:DWFK
out for Bolt. He’s not really one of us anymore. He’s
part gang foreman, part set-up man. Mark my words:
When push comes to shove he won’t know which side
he’s on. Don’t trust him.”
218

Leslie Feinberg

His warning disappointed me because I liked
Bolt. But lucky for me, I didn’t really trust anyone.
ŶŶŶ

I felt a hand on my shoulder as I punched out
Monday afternoon. “Hey,” Frankie spun me around.
“Hey, Frankie. Listen, we got to talk.”
6KHSXWKHULQGH[ÀQJHUWRKHUOLSV´,W·V2.,
know.”
I followed her out to the parking lot. “I’m reallyglad to see you and everything, Frankie. It’s just I’mscared. I’ve got a good thing going here. And thenewspapers are talking about another recession.”)UDQNLHVWRSSHGZDONLQJ´,XQGHUVWDQG-HVV
Don’t you think I get it?”“How did you survive this long?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “I’m living out here in Tonawanda
with my parents till I can save up for my own place.
It’s not too bad. I stay at my girlfriend’s on theweekend.”
I whistled. “You got a girlfriend? Lucky you.”Frankie pursed her lips. A car horn blared.
´<RXNQRZP\JLUOIULHQG-HVV0HDQG-RKQQ\EHHQ
WRJHWKHUD\HDUµVKHVPLOHG´-XVWOLNHWKHVRQJµ,VWRSSHGGHDGLQP\WUDFNV´:KR·V-RKQQ\"µ)UDQNLHVLJKHG´<RXNQRZ-RKQQ\:HZRUNHG
together before the strike. We all played softball
together.”,VKRRNP\KHDG´7KHRQO\-RKQQ\,UHPHPEHU
was butch and I know you don’t mean her,” I laughed.
Frankie widened her stance. “Yeah, that’s exactly
who I mean. She’s waiting for me in our car overthere.”´+H\-HVVµ,KHDUG-RKQQ\\HOOIURPWKHFDU
“C’mere.”“You must be kidding,” I whispered to Frankie.
She put her hands on her hips. “She’s my lover,-HVV'R,ORRNOLNH,·PNLGGLQJ"µMy mouth hung open. I shook my head fromside to side. “Honest, Frankie, I just don’t get it. I
don’t understand.”Frankie smoldered. “You don’t have to
XQGHUVWDQGLW-HVV%XW\RXJRWWDDFFHSWLW,I \RX
can’t, then just keep walking.”
That’s exactly what I did. I couldn’t deal with it,
so I just walked away.
It wasn’t hard to avoid Frankie after that—weworked at opposite ends of the plant. I hung backin the afternoons. I didn’t want to run into either ofthem at the time clock.
The more I thought about the two of them

being lovers, the more it upset me. I couldn’t stop
thinking about them kissing each other. It was like
two guys. Well, two gay guys would be alright. But twobutches? How could they be attracted to each other?
Who was the femme in bed?
I found myself obsessing about Frankie and-RKQQ\,ZDVVRGHHSLQWKRXJKWRQ:HGQHVGD\morning that I didn’t notice Scotty and I were theonly guys in the department. Scotty motioned toward
the men’s room. “You better go in there,” he said.
“What?” He just nodded toward the men’s room.
I didn’t know what to expect when I opened the
GRRU7KHPHQ·VURRPZDVÀOOHGZLWKJX\V³VRPH
from my department, some I didn’t recognize. Bolt
VSRNHÀUVW´:H·YHEHHQZDLWLQJIRU\RXµKHVDLG
0\ÀVWVFOHQFKHGDWP\VLGHV)UDQNLHPXVW
have told the guys about me out of spite. I shouldhave known better than to trust her. Whatever
misunderstanding we had should have been between
us. I’d deal with her later. Right now I was badly
outnumbered.
Bolt reached out his hand and moved toward
me. I backed up against the wall. My temples poundedwith blood. Bolt grabbed me by the shoulder; I
pushed his hand off. I was cornered. “Leave mealone,” I growled.
Stone Butch Blues

219

Walter moved toward me. “Take it easy, son. We
just want to talk to you.”“Yeah? About what?” Bolt and Walter looked ateach other and backed away from me.
“About the union,” Walter said. I shook my headin confusion. “Ernie’s wife works at a factory that the
textile workers’ union organized. She put us in contact
with a really good guy who helped them. We need toknow where you stand.”I had trouble regaining my composure. “Youmean this is an organizing drive?”
Bolt shrugged. “We been talking up till now.
We need to get a union organizer out here and call ageneral interest meeting. This shit can’t go on much
longer without blowing up.”This job didn’t seem that bad to me. “What kindof grievances?” I asked.
“Like we make shit wages and they make us
work overtime practically every weekend,” Ernie said.
I nodded. “Yeah, but then we get other days
off.”
Skids answered me. “Sure, because they don’t
want to pay us time and a half.”
Walter nodded. “Two people can be working thesame machine and get paid different. It’s all based onwhether you suck up to the foreman.”
220

Leslie Feinberg“The fumes are terrible,” Ernie added. “None ofus know what we’re breathing. And it’s so fucking hot
you can hardly breathe some days.”
Bolt touched my arm. I jumped back; he looked
hurt. “There’s big safety problems here, too. We see
a lot of stuff in maintenance and set-up that you
GRQ·WVHH3HRSOHKDYHDFFLGHQWV³ÀQJHUVFDXJKWLQ
molds, stuff like that. The company tries to intimidate
WKHPRXWRI ÀOLQJIRUFRPSHQVDWLRQ:HZULWHXSHTXLSPHQWSUREOHPVDQGPDQDJHPHQWMXVWÀOHVWKHPin the wastepaper basket.”I listened and nodded. Bolt shrugged. “So we
JRWWDNQRZ-HVVH:KHUHGR\RXVWDQG"µ
I sighed. This was a good job for me. I wishedit would stay that way. But everything was always
changing. “Look,” I told the guys. “You want to bring
DXQLRQLQKHUHWKDW·VÀQHZLWKPHµBolt moved closer to me. “That’s not goodenough. We need you on the organizing committee.”
I didn’t want to make waves. Why couldn’t I justsign a union card like everybody else and do my job?
“I don’t want to get involved,” I told him.
“Listen,” he said as he leaned toward me. I
backed up a bit. “I’m sticking my neck out on thisthing and I don’t even know if I’ll be eligible for theunion because the labor board might consider me agang boss.”

“You can count on me in an election,” I told
him, “but I’m not an organizer.”
Bolt shook his head. “That’s not what Frankie
told me. She said you helped win that strike.”“Look, Bolt, I don’t want to get involved. I’ll
VXSSRUW\RXDOODQGGRP\MRE-XVWOHDYHPHDORQHµ
Bolt shook his head. “I thought you weredifferent.”
I sighed. “I don’t want to be different.”ŶŶŶWe heard the shouting all the way from the other endof the plant. We ran the length of the factory. By thetime we got there, all that was left was blood on the
FRQFUHWHÁRRU“Who got hurt?” I whispered to Bolt.
+LVFDOORXVHGKDQGVIRUPHGWLJKWÀVWV“George.”,ORRNHGDWWKHODNHRI EORRGRQWKHÁRRU´,VKH
dead?”
Bolt shrugged. “We don’t know yet.” He
SRXQGHGKLVÀVWRQWKHIRUNOLIWQH[WWRXV´,ZURWHXS
this tow motor myself last month. The brakes wereshot.”The plant superintendent waved his arms. “Let’s

everybody get back to work. It does no good to standaround.”I was surprised when everyone went back totheir jobs. I was half expecting an insurrection. Thatcame two weeks later.
The accident was all we talked about. The
company was experimenting with bigger molds that
could stamp out plastic garbage cans. George was
assigned to use the forklift to carry the mold over tothe injection machine. While he was standing in frontof the forklift attaching the mold, the brakes gaveout. One of the arms of the forklift pierced George’s
back just below the lung.
Anger still simmered a week later. Walter rushed
into our department on Wednesday afternoon. “Haveyou heard? Management wrote up George for theaccident! They’re blaming him.”
Bolt was right behind him. “Listen up, guys.
We’re calling a meeting Friday at the VFW post down
the road. An organizer from the textile workers isgonna meet with us. They’ve pushed us too far thistime.”
He was right.
We all punched out at 3:00 Friday afternoon. I
didn’t rush out right away; I didn’t want to run intoFrankie. I wondered if she’d be at the meeting.
Stone Butch Blues

221

When I got to the VFW post at 3:45 there
ZHUHWZHQW\ÀYHZRUNHUVWKHUH(YHU\GHSDUWPHQWwas represented. Excitement buzzed in the air, withpeople waving their arms and talking a mile a minute.
Bolt caught my eye from across the room. I nodded
and smiled. Frankie was standing next to him. I
avoided looking at her. I was still unnerved aboutÀQGLQJRXWWKDWVKHDQG-RKQQ\ZHUHORYHUVWKRXJK,
couldn’t explain why.
I noticed Frankie whisper in some guy’s ear.
When he turned around, I recognized Duffy. The
smile on Duffy’s face when he saw me made me feelwarm inside. Frankie grabbed his arm and whisperedsomething else to him. I wondered if she was
explaining my situation.
'XII\PDGHDEHHOLQHIRUPH´-HVVµKHJUDVSHG
my hand. His grip felt familiar in mine. “I’ve thought
about you so many times. How long you worked
here?”“More than a year.”He smiled. “We’re gonna need your help.”
I started to protest, but Duffy noticed Ernie andScotty bringing drinks from the bar into the meetingroom. He waved to them. “Get the booze out ofhere. We’re serious in here.”
I tugged his sleeve. “Go easy on the older guy.
222

Leslie Feinberg

Booze is his Achilles’ heel, but he’s a good guy. He’san old UAW man. So’s Bolt.”
Duffy nodded. “Tell me about Bolt.”
Two Black women I didn’t recognize tapped
Duffy. “Excuse me,” one of the women said. “I’m
Dottie. I work in the assembly department. This is myfriend Gladys. She’s worked here longer than me.”Duffy shook their hands. “How many here fromyour department?”“Six,” Dottie said, “out of twenty on day side.
7KHUH·VDQRWKHUÀIWHHQRUVRRQVHFRQGVKLIWµSomeone yelled from across the room. “Let’s get
this meeting started.” A cheer went up.
Duffy excused himself and moved to the frontof the room. “I’ve heard a lot of the grievances thisafternoon.”“Yeah!” Discipline broke down. Everyone
shouted about conditions in the plant.
Duffy held up his hands. “Every single one ofyour grievances will be addressed. I promise you that.
There’s not a single one that’s not important. But let’s
IRFXVÀUVWRQWKHJULHYDQFHVWKDWDIIHFWHYHU\RQHµBolt patted me on the shoulder. “C’mon out
here a minute. I want to talk to you.” I started toprotest. “C’mon, this meeting will still be going on.” I
followed Bolt out to the bar.

He ordered two beers and paid for them. He
lifted his bottle. “To the union,” he said.
I nodded. “I’ll drink to that.”´/LVWHQ-HVVH+RZZHOOGR\RXNQRZWKLVJX\Duffy?”
I shrugged. “He’s alright in my book. I trust
him.”“Some of the guys heard something about him.
Somebody said he’s a communist.”
I laughed. “He’s no communist. He’s a goodguy.”
Bolt smiled and nodded. “Alright. As long as
somebody knows the guy.”“Hey, Bolt. Did you ask Duffy about whether or
not you’d be eligible to join the union?”
Bolt shook his head. “I’ll ask him later. After the
meeting.”
We both heard a roar from the other room.
“C’mon,” I said, “let’s get back.” I was starting to feela little excited.
“Let’s sign the cards now!” Ernie shouted.
Duffy raised both hands. “You got 120 people
in your shop. It’ll take 30 percent plus one as a
EDUHPLQLPXPWRÀOHIRUDQHOHFWLRQ7KLVLVDJUHDWturnout, but we need more.”“Where the hell is everybody?” someone yelled.

Duffy shook his head. “This really is a great
WXUQRXWIRUDÀUVWPHHWLQJ%XWZH·YHJRWWRJHWPRUH
workers from every department lined up.”
Bolt yelled out, “Maintenance and set-up are
solid.”“What about assembly?” Ernie shouted. “Those
girls aren’t going to be with us. They’ve got husbands
to take care of them. Shit, I heard two of them still
live with their parents.”
Dottie stood up. “And I’m one of them. Yeah,
I live with my parents. I’m trying to raise two kids
without a husband. And Gladys is living with herparents because she’s supporting them and she can’t
afford her own place. But we’re both here. You don’tknow jack squat about our department.”
Gladys stood up beside her. “That’s right. OurÀQJHUVDQGZULVWVDUHNLOOLQJXVIURPWULPPLQJÁDVKall day. We’re making lousy money and we have towork weekends. A lot of the girls have husbands who
also bring home a paycheck, it’s true. But a lot ofthem are fed up and they’ll sign—you’ll see.”Duffy smiled at them. “The sisters are speaking
up, guys. You better listen.”
We all agreed to end the meeting and hold
another one the following week. But nobody waseager to leave. We milled around talking.
Stone Butch Blues

223

“Hey, Duffy,” Bolt called him over. “Am I gonna
be able to get into the union? I’m lead set-up man.”
I wished I could tip off Duffy about Bolt’s
worth, but I could see Duffy already recognized it.
“Management knows you’re a leader,” he told Bolt. I
VDZ%ROWVWDQGDOLWWOHWDOOHU´%XWGR\RXKLUHDQGÀUH"Do you review the guys or discipline them?”
Bolt shrugged. “It’s kind of hazy. I’m really justthe most experienced guy in set-up, but they sort oftreat me like gang boss, too.”Duffy nodded. “The company will argue about
which side you’re on in order to delay the elections
and use the time to intimidate people. I think you
already know which side you’re on, but you have to
make it real clear. If you work hard to bring the unionin, it’ll make our argument easier that you should bein.”
Bolt shook Duffy’s hand. “Do you think we’regonna win?”
Duffy smiled and nodded. “Yeah. But it’ll takeDÀJKW:HJRWVWURQJSHRSOHLQHDFKGHSDUWPHQW,I 
ZHKDGPRUHOLNH-HVVZH·GZLQLWKDQGVGRZQ,WUXVW-HVV6KH·VSURYHGVKH·VIRUWKHXQLRQSHUFHQWµEverything happened in slow motion. WhenI heard Duffy say she I turned in horror, my jaw
dropped. Frankie slapped her forehead with her palm
224

Leslie Feinberg

and shook her head. The guys looked from Duffy tome and back again. I stormed out of the VFW post
and headed for my motorcycle.
´-HVVZDLWµ,KHDUG'XII\VKRXWLQJ+HFDXJKW
up to me and grabbed my arm.
I yanked it away. “Thanks a lot, Duffy.” Seeingtears in his eyes made it worse.
´,·PVRVRUU\-HVV,WMXVWMXPSHGRXW,GLGQ·W
mean it.”I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what you meant to
do. I’m out of this job now.”+HVKRRNKLVKHDG´:H·OOZRUNLWRXW-HVV<RX
could stay. I’ll talk to the guys.”
I laughed bitterly. “You don’t get it, do you?
Which bathroom you think I’m going to use on
Monday, Duffy?”
Duffy put his hand on my arm. I glared at him.
´-HVV,·GQHYHUGRDQ\WKLQJWRKXUW\RX<RXNQRZ
that.”
I pushed his hand off my arm. “Well, you did.” I
turned and walked away.
´-HVVZDLWXSµ,WZDV)UDQNLH´-HVV,NQRZ
you’re mad. That was really fucked up. But it was a
mistake. He’s really upset.”“Leave me alone, Frankie. You don’t understand,either.”

Frankie look stunned. “What’s your fuckin’
problem with me? Are you really gonna cut anotherbutch loose just because you can’t deal with who turns
me on?”
I wished someone had muzzled me because
I was so worked up I couldn’t control my mouth.
“What makes you think you’re still a butch?” I asked
her sarcastically.
Her smile was cruel and defensive. “What makes
you think you’re still a butch?” she countered.
I spun around and stormed off. Part of me washoping that Frankie or Duffy wouldn’t let me go. But
they did.

Stone Butch Blues

225

18
THE LEAF WAS BIG AND WET and glowed withthe oranges and reds of autumn. I found it stuck
to the seat of my Harley on Saturday morning. It
made me sad when the leaves began to fall. I wanted
another beginning, another chance,
I hated the thought of putting my Harley away
for the winter. It was dangerous for me to ride—I’dbeen driving without a license for three years—but
I lived to cruise on that bike. It was my joy and myfreedom.
There were only two things I looked forward
to every day: pumping iron at the nearby YMCA andwhipping into the wind astride my motorcycle.
When my alarm jangled in the morning, I awoke
IHHOLQJVPDOODQGWHUULÀHG,FRXOGQ·WÀQGP\VHOI LQ
my own life—there was no memory of me that I
could grasp. There was no place outside of me where

I belonged. So every morning I willed myself backinto existence. I went to the gym already dressed insweat clothes. That’s where I brought my tension andfrustration, my rage and my fear. I put it all into myworkout.
I thought about my body a lot as I pressedagainst the resistance of cold iron. I enjoyed getting
leaner and harder. Was that a goal the world hadtaught me? Probably. I thought of my femme lovers
who cursed each thickness and fold in their bodies—
WKHEHDXWLIXOÁHVK,ORYHG%XWDV,ZDWFKHGP\VHOI 
clench my muscles while I pumped, I found theweight and shape of my own body that pleased me. I
concentrated on my discipline and endurance. I tried,in the best way I knew how, to love myself.
I learned that strength, like height, is measured
by who you’re standing next to. I was considered ascrawny guy in the gym. That opinion was written
on the faces of men whose muscles were bigger
than mine. And all the while the lifetime of crueljudgments about my body and myself throbbed likeunhealed wounds.
Yet sometimes when I stood in front of my own
mirror at home, I saw a powerful me. I couldn’t holdonto the image, though. It slipped like a globule of
PHUFXU\IURPXQGHUP\LQGH[ÀQJHU
Maybe that was the lesson I tried to teachmyself with each repetition—that power is something
qualitatively more than strength. And that the world
was wrong about me. I had a right to live.
Every day the men around me came to exercise
their bodies; I came to exorcise my demons.
Euphoria was my reward for the tenacious
workout that autumn morning. It was Saturday. There
was nowhere to go, there was nothing to do. I turned
up the collar on my leather jacket. Fall was here andwinter was just behind it. The sky was overcast. The
FORXGVZHUHORZÁDWERWWRPHGDQGGDUNDVDEUXLVH
I revved my bike without knowing where I
was headed. I had money in my wallet and a whole
weekend to ride as far as gasoline would take me.
:KHQWKHÀUVWUDLQGURSVSORSSHGRQP\JDV
tank, I pulled over and put on my gear. Bolts oflightning illuminated the sky over the park. I loved
dramatic weather. It was the excitement that madeone day different from another.
The women in the zoo entrance booth wereenjoying a lazy day. They waved me in without paying.
The condor’s head was tilted back into the wind,and her wings were spread wider than my height. I
opened my own arms and turned my face toward thesky and laughed.
The snowy owl’s neck puffed up as I came near,and he huffed as though he was out of breath. I
hurried past.
Raindrops dripped from the beak of the redtailed hawk whose left wing had been sheared by ashotgun blast. She looked miserable.
The male eagle was balanced on a branch—hisfeathers slicked back by rain and wind. He moved
ZLWKWKHZLQGRQH[WHQGHGZLQJVDVWKRXJKLQÁLJKWHis eyes focused on the distance. There was noborder between his frustration and his madness. For
just a moment he dropped his gaze and held me in
the intensity of his golden stare. He looked up again,
ZLOGQHVVÁDVKLQJLQKLVH\HVDVKHÁHZWKURXJKKLV
past on widespread wings.
After the storm let up, I rode my motorcycle
through the rain-soaked streets longing for so much I
Stone Butch Blues

227

couldn’t name. Sometimes mundane tasks stuffed thatfeeling back down—I decided to go food shopping.
The supermarket was packed with women. The
conveyor belt at the checkout line wasn’t working, so
I pushed the food forward as the woman at the cash
register rang it up. “That’ll be $22.80,” she said. I heldout a twenty and a ten; she reached for the bills. We
caught each other’s eyes.
I whispered her name out loud: “Edna.” Funnyhow, even years later, I still thought of her as Butch-DQ·VH[ORYHUDQGP\VHOI DVDEDE\EXWFKLQKHUH\HV
6KHVHDUFKHGP\H\HV+HUIDFHVRIWHQHG´-HVVµThe woman behind me in line sighed heavily.
“Honey, can we speed this up?”
The last time I’d seen Edna I had told her I was
too young to be the kind of lover I’d wanted to be forher. Now life was giving me another chance.
I helped her bag my groceries. Neither of us
spoke. I pressed my lips together to keep from asking,“Are you with someone?” I thought of a neutral
question. “Can we talk?”
The woman behind me banged a box of laundry
detergent on the conveyor belt and asked Edna,“Honey, do you go on break soon?” Edna lookedat her blankly and nodded. “Then could you please
continue your reunion then?”
228

Leslie Feinberg

We both laughed. Edna blushed. “I get off at
3:30.” It was only 2:00.
I paced the pavement near my Harley, rodeÀJXUHHLJKWVDURXQGWKHSDUNLQJORWORRNHGLQVWRUH
windows, stopped for coffee—it was still only 3:00.
At 3:30 I pulled my bike up in front of thesupermarket. I wished I had a second helmet. Ednalooked my Harley up and down and smiled, as though
she liked what she saw. Then she looked at me the
VDPHZD\´,W·VJRRGWRVHH\RX-HVV+RZORQJKDVLW
been?”
I could have asked her when she broke up with
-DQEXW,WKRXJKWEHWWHURI LW´:HOOP\KDQGZDVLQ
that contraption and we were on strike. I think it was’67, so it’s been twelve years. I’m almost thirty, canyou believe it?”
Edna nodded. “That means you’re just about
the age I was when you thought I was such an old
woman.”
I shook my head. “That’s not fair, Edna. The
problem was I was so young. I never thought you
were old.”
Edna took my face in her hands. I felt my cheeksÁXVK´,·PVRUU\µVKHVDLG´WKDWZDVP\IHDUµ
I offered her my helmet. She swung her leg
over the bike and settled behind me. Her body felt sodamn good against mine. “Where are we going?” sheasked.
“I don’t know.” I gently popped the clutch.
We ended up at the zoo. The air smelled fresh
there, washed by the rain. We walked on a bed of
wet leaves, under a latticework of branches. I achedto hold her hand. We tried to make small talk, butthere wasn’t anything either of us said that seemed
LQVLJQLÀFDQW,WULHGWRZDLWEHIRUH,DVNHGWKH
question clenched in my throat, but I couldn’t put it
off any longer.
I turned to her. “I can’t take another step till I
ask you a question.”
She shook her head shyly. “No.”“No, I can’t ask you a question?”
She smiled. “No, I’m not with anyone.”A grin spread across my face, then I checked it.
“I was just wondering.”
We stood and faced each other under a maple
tree. “How about you? Are you with anyone?” sheasked. I shook my head.
The maple seeds whirled around us. I caught
one on my palm. “We used to call these helicopters,” I
said, as I let it twirl to the ground.
(GQDUDQKHUÀQJHUWLSVDFURVVWKHEHDUGVWXEEOH
on my cheek. I wished I had shaved before I’d goneto the gym. She touched my lips, my hair, my neck—as though she was searching for me with her hands.
“Have I changed so much?” I asked her, afraid
to hear her answer.
She smiled and shook her head. “No. In a way
I don’t know how anyone in the world could think
you’re a man, especially if they looked into your eyes.”With a light touch she turned my face to hers.
Then her hands settled on my chest like a bird’s
wings at rest. Our faces were very close. It felt to me
as though my whole life was held in the balance ofthat moment. If Edna had turned away from me, I
don’t know where I would have gone or how I would
have found the strength to go on. But she didn’t. She
brought her lips near mine, allowed me to celebrate
the moment before it began, and then gave me hermouth. All I had to offer was in that kiss. Edna’s
hands cupped the back of my head and pulled me
toward her.
The kiss lasted until I stopped fearing it would
end and enjoyed it as a journey we’d just begun. Our
lips didn’t part until the wind splattered cold rain
down on us from the branches above. She pulledaway from me and began to walk. I caught up to her
DQGWRRNKHUKDQG2XUKDQGVÀWVRFRPIRUWDEO\WKDW,VORXJKHGRII WKHÀUVWOD\HURI P\ORQHOLQHVVStone Butch Blues229

“Are you hungry?” I asked her.
She stopped and turned toward me again. “Ihave to get home soon.” My disappointment showed.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Can I see you?” All my hopes rested on her
reply.
She hesitated and nodded. “Next Friday night.”
Friday! Today was Saturday and I’d had trouble
just killing an hour and a half until she’d gotten out
of work. Edna tugged on a branch overhead. A
shower of raindrops fell on us.
As I drove her home, her hands rested on myshoulders, the side of her face pressed against myback. “This is it,” she pointed. I slowed and parked.
“You sure you want to see me Friday?” I needed
reassurance. Edna stroked my cheeks. I couldn’t really
IHHOWKHWRXFKRI KHUÀQJHUWLSVRQP\VNLQ³P\VWXEEOHZDVWRRURXJK)RUWKHÀUVWWLPHVLQFH,·Ggrown a beard I wished it would vanish.
Edna nibbled at my mouth, pulled away when
I moved forward, then drew me back hungrily. “I’m
VRKDSS\WRVHH\RX-HVVµ6KHVRXQGHGOLNHVKH
meant it. My feelings rose in my throat. I swallowed
and nodded. “Meet me here, at 9:00 on Friday?” sheasked.
I nodded again and watched her walk up the
sidewalk to her porch. She looked back and waved.
230

Leslie Feinberg

Even after her front door closed and the lights cameon behind her curtains I didn’t leave. A light rain fell
on me. The wind carried autumn and the scent offallen leaves.
ŶŶŶWhen the waiter walked away from our table Ednaleaned forward. “What’s it like, passing?” I could tell
she’d wanted to ask me that all evening.
“All my life I’ve been told there’s something
really wrong with me because of the way I am as awoman. But if I’m a man, then I’m a nice young man.
7KHZD\,DPLVMXVWÀQHµ(GQDZDLWHGIRUPRUH
“Some of it is fun. I was tied up so tight all thetime as a he-she. It feels good to be free to do little
things, like go to a public bathroom in peace or to
be touched by a barber. It’s nice to be smiled at by
VWUDQJHUVRUÁLUWHGZLWKDWDOXQFKFRXQWHUµ
Edna studied my face. “Then why are your eyes
even sadder than I remember?”“Oh, I think …” I sighed.
Edna interrupted me. “I’m interested in what
\RXWKLQN-HVV%XWWHOOPHKRZ\RXIHHOµ,KDG
forgotten how much I loved femmes. Another butch
would have nodded when I sighed, content that thewhole story had been articulated in the rush of air.
But Edna pressed for words.
“I feel like a ghost, Edna. Like I’ve been buried
alive. As far as the world’s concerned, I was born the
day I began to pass. I have no past, no loved ones, nomemories, no me. No one really sees me or speaks tome or touches me.”
(GQD·VH\HVÀOOHGZLWKWHDUV6KHUHDFKHGIRUZDUG
and took my hand in hers. The waiter interrupted us.
“More coffee, sir?” I shook my head.
When he’d walked out of earshot, Edna toldPH´,IHHOOLNHDJKRVWWRR-HVV6KRXOG,VWLOOFDOO\RX-HVV"µMy smile felt shy. “Sometimes people call me-HVVHDQG,GRQ·WFRUUHFWWKHP<RXFDQFDOOPH
whatever you want, just try to remember the rightpronoun in a public place. It could get real ugly.”
Edna sighed and nodded. I’d forgotten she was
Rocco’s lover, too.
“Did you know, Edna,” I asked her, “did you
know I would make the same decision Rocco made?”
Edna shook her head. “I only knew your options
were as few as hers. But when you were young I
recognized something in you that I’d seen in Rocco.”
I chewed my lower lip, waiting for the words ofa woman who knew me.

“I don’t know how to say this. I’m afraid I’ll
make a mistake,” she hesitated.
“Try,” I urged her. “Please. I need to hear it.”
“I don’t think femmes ever see butches as one
big group. After a while you see how many different
ways there are for butches to be. You see them young
DQGGHÀDQW\RXVHHWKHPFKDQJH\RXZDWFKWKHP
harden up or be destroyed. Soft ones and bitter ones
and troubled ones. You and Rocco were granite
butches who couldn’t soften your edges. It just wasn’t
in your nature.”
Edna took a bite of food. I wished she’d hurryup chewing and continue. “I love all the different
ways butches can be. I love butches’ hearts. But theones I worry most about are the ones who aren’t
tough inside.”
I frowned and dropped my eyes. Edna leaned
forward. “You see, I hurt you. I’m sorry. You andRocco both had beautiful hearts that were so easily
hurt, and I loved you for it. But I didn’t know how
long you could survive.”“I think about her a lot,” I told Edna.
She stared at her plate and nodded. “Me too.”“I’d give anything to talk to Rocco,” I said,
wishing Edna knew how to reach her.
Edna nodded. “I’ll bet.”
Stone Butch Blues231

I sat back in my chair and scuffed the rug withmy shoe. “I wish I could ask her a million questions.”
Edna leaned forward. “What don’t you know?”
I shrugged and played with my fork. “I’m notsure. How to survive this, I guess.”
Edna smiled gently. “What makes you think
Rocco knows?” Her answer surprised me.
“I’m not like Rocco,” I said. “She’s like a legend
or something. She’s so strong, so sure of herself. I
don’t feel that way at all. If I could just get to know
her.”
Edna gently took the fork from my hand and put
LWGRZQRQWKHWDEOHFORWK6KHUHVWHGKHUÀQJHUWLSVRQ
my forearm. “People get buried under legends. Rocco
doesn’t have all the answers. She’s got questions, justlike you do. She’s trying to get through it the best way
she can, just the way you are. That’s what makes you
both so strong. There’s only one thing Rocco had thatyou don’t have,” Edna told me.
I leaned forward. “What?”“I’ll show you later.”Was she always going to make me wait?
“Edna, where have you been all these years?” I
asked her.
She picked at her lasagna. “After the bar scenechanged I stopped going. The butches I loved weren’t
232

Leslie Feinberg

there anymore. It was mostly university women. I
started to feel embarrassed about showing up in a
dress, with makeup on. It seemed like everyone in
WKHEDUZDVZHDULQJÁDQQHOVKLUWVMHDQVDQGERRWV
That’s not me. But there was no other place to go. A
few of us went to a dance on campus,” she said. “Butwe were dressed different, we danced different.” She
FOHQFKHGKHUÀVWLQDQJHU´2QHRI WKHZRPHQDWWKH
dance made fun of the butch I was with because shehelped me off with my coat. I was so upset that weleft right away.”
I nodded. “My ex-lover Theresa worked up at
UB. I remember getting mad and telling her how
much I hated those women for rejecting us. She used
to say: ‘They’re right about needing a revolution, butthey’re wrong to think they can do it without all ofus.’”
Edna shrugged. “I know I’m not a straightwoman, and lesbians won’t accept me as one of them.
,GRQ·WNQRZZKHUHWRJRWRÀQGWKHEXWFKHV,ORYHRU
the other femmes. I feel completely misunderstood. I
IHHOOLNHDJKRVWWRR-HVVµ
For a long moment we held a conversation
without words. Our eyes welcomed each other home.
The waiter brought the check to me, an automatic
gesture.

I chuckled. Edna frowned. “What’s so funny?”“Until I talked to you tonight, part of me really
believed that everyone I knew was sitting in a bar
somewhere together having a good time without me.”
We rode back to her home in silence. I wanted totouch her. I wanted to matter to her. And I ached tosleep, safe, with her body close to mine.
I pulled up in front of her house. She took
off the helmet and beckoned for me to follow her. I
stood in her living room trying to know her throughher home. She rummaged through her hall closet. “Ifound it!”She came back into the room smiling. “There’s
only one thing Rocco had that you don’t have.
Armor!” Edna handed me a heavy black motorcycle
jacket gleaming with silver zippers.
I took it in my hands. It was soft with wear. The
right elbow was badly scuffed.
“That’s where she skidded when she dumped
her Harley on the way back from Niagara Falls.” EdnaÀQJHUHGWKHVOHHYH´7KLVZDVWKHMDFNHWVKHORYHG
almost as much as her bike. She called this her second
skin.”
Edna’s eyes glazed. “She left it to protect me.
That’s what she said. It was so much a part of herthat I could never bear to wear it.” I couldn’t speak.

“Try it on,” Edna urged, holding the jacket for me toslip into. It was heavy; the weight felt reassuring. “ItÀWV\RXSHUIHFWO\µ6KHSUHVVHGKHUNQXFNOHVWRKHU
lips.
I opened my arms. She shook her head. “I need
to be alone. I’m sorry, I’m just not ready. I hope you
understand.” I didn’t. But I was so afraid to lose herthat I forced myself to smile and nod.
I walked back out to my Harley and swung myleg over it. I heard my own power in the engine’s roar.
I drove away wearing Rocco’s armor.
ŶŶŶ“Be careful!” Edna shouted as the ladder tipped. I
grabbed the metal tray before the paint inside of it
could spill. “Get down from there!” Edna ordered.
I climbed down and wiped my forearm across myforehead. Edna laughed. “You just smeared paint on
your face, c’mere.”She held my arm as she gently rubbed myforehead with a cloth. I clenched my biceps. “I’vebeen working out,” I boasted.
Edna suppressed a smile and said, “I noticed.” I
didn’t suppress mine.
She kissed my lips. “Thank you for helping me
paint my living room.”
Stone Butch Blues233

I smiled and shrugged. “What are butches for?”Contained in those four words were all my hurt
and confusion over why, a month after we’d beenreunited, Edna still wouldn’t let me make love to her.
“Oh no,” Edna said, shaking her head slowly.
“Butches are wonderful about lending a hand. But
that’s not all you’re good for. Butches have moved
my world. They’ve made me feel beautiful when theworld took that away from me. It’s butch love that’s
sustained me.”0\H\HVÀOOHGZLWKWHDUVRI JUDWLWXGHDQGZLWKthe frustration of restraining myself from touchingher.
6KHVWURNHGP\IDFHZLWKÀQJHUWLSVWKDW
wanted me, and yet I couldn’t be sure that her wholebody wanted the same. “You are so beautiful,” shewhispered. “Handsome, I should have said you are so
handsome.”
I laughed. “Oh, I’ll take either right about now.”All I saw was her mouth, so close to mine I felt
the warmth of her breath. Still I didn’t move toward
her. Edna hesitated. I held my breath as I waited forher to come to me—hoping she would, fearing she
wouldn’t. She came into my arms afraid, but trustingme. I welcomed her with my embrace.
Edna fumbled with the buttons on my paint234

Leslie Feinberg

VSODWWHUHGVKLUW:HOHIWLWRQWKHOLYLQJURRPÁRRU,Q
her bedroom she unzipped my jeans. Only then did I
allow my passion to meet hers.
Once it began, all of our needs were unleashed.
She knew exactly what she wanted and she took methere, demanding everything from me that I could
give. And I gave gladly, without restraint. Even as I
touched her body with my mouth, with my hands,
with my thighs—I knew it was not only pleasure I
was trying to give her, it was all my love. And as she
alternately caressed me with her hands and dug her
nails into my back, I could feel all of hers.
I lay in her arms, dressed only in a T-shirt and
EULHIV+HUÀQJHUQDLOVGULIWHGGRZQP\QHFNDFURVV
my shoulders. She smiled seductively. I’d forgotten the
sheer pleasure of a high femme tease.
Edna moved against me, tormenting me with
her nails and her lips until I felt crazy with wanting
more. Fear gripped my throat. I couldn’t remember
how to submit, but I wanted her to guide me there.
Her nails trailed up the inside of one of my thighs.
“I’m scared,” I admitted out loud.
She stopped touching me and lay still in myarms. Even after she’d fallen asleep in my embrace I
stared at the ceiling, longing for her to take me past
my own fear and now knowing how to ask.

ŶŶŶ

(GQDJDVSHGZLWKSOHDVXUHDWWKHÁRZHUV,EURXJKW
her. “Oh, irises. They’re so beautiful.”
I kissed her on the cheek. “They remind me ofyou.” Edna found the card I’d tucked inside.
“Wait,” I restrained her hand.
Edna laughed. “What’s wrong? Did you write
something you shouldn’t have?”
I shifted my weight from foot to foot. “I wrote
you a poem. I never did that before. Maybe you’ll
think it’s stupid.”
Edna pulled my face against her neck andwrapped her arms around me. “Honey, you wrote apoem for me? Oh, thank you. That means so much tome. I don’t even have to read it if you don’t want me
to.”Femmes can be so smart about these things. Of
course I wanted her to read it, especially since she wasgiving me a choice. “Oh, alright, go ahead and readit,” I told her, and braced myself for her reaction.
I blushed because it surprised me when she readit out loud. But I liked the way her voice elevated mywords:
As yellow as leaves give way
to the gentle insistence of the green

you touched my lonelinessand my crisp, brown husks
yielded to a tender newness.
Edna burst into tears. She kissed my face all over
WLOOP\HPEDUUDVVPHQWVXEVLGHG´2K-HVV'LG\RX
really write that just for me? It’s beautiful.”“Edna,” I whispered in her ear, “was that
expressing a feeling?”
Edna pulled back and held my face in her hands.
Her lower lip trembled. “Oh yes, honey. That’s exactly
what it was.”
We held each other and swayed to music only
we could hear. She took my hand and led me to her
bedroom. I tried to make good love to her. But I
couldn’t read her body signals—all I got was static.
&RXOGQ·WÀJXUHRXWZKDW,ZDVGRLQJZURQJ
Edna’s nipple tightened like a bud and thenblossomed in my mouth. I heard her gasp. One sob
followed another. I brought my face near hers, andVKHJUDEEHGP\7VKLUWLQERWKKHUÀVWV+HUERG\shook violently. She buried her face against my neckand cried so hard it frightened me. I held her tight. “I
can’t,” she said.
“Shh. It’s alright.”“Don’t be mad at me,” she pleaded.
“I’m not,” I whispered. “I’m not mad at you.”
Stone Butch Blues235

Edna didn’t say what was going on inside ofher, and I was afraid to ask. If I was undesirable it
ZDVVRPHWKLQJ,ZDVLQQRKXUU\WRÀQGRXW%HVLGHVI’d been so unbearably lonely for so long that thesex didn’t matter to me as much as this intimacy. I
continued holding her and settled into the simple
comfort that her closeness offered.
We lay without speaking for a long, long time.
,ÀQDOO\EURNHWKHVLOHQFHZLWKDTXHVWLRQ´'R\RX
think I’m a woman?”
Edna got up on one elbow and looked at me.
“What do you think?” she asked gently.
I sighed. “I don’t know. There’s never been manyother women in the world I could identify with. But
I sure as hell don’t feel like a guy, either. I don’t knowwhat I am. It makes me feel crazy.”
Edna nestled against my shoulder. “I know,honey, I really do. I don’t think I’ve ever had a butch
lover who hasn’t felt torn up in the same way.”“Yeah,” I shrugged, “but it’s different for me
because I’m living as a man. I don’t even know if I’m
still butch anymore.”
She nodded. “It’s true that you and Rocco have
DWRXJKWLPHÀJXULQJRXWKRZWREH\RXUVHOYHVDQG
still live. But believe me, honey, you’re not alone in the
feeling that you’re not a man or a woman.”
236

Leslie Feinberg

I sighed. “I don’t like being neither.”
Edna moved her face close to mine. “You’remore than just neither, honey. There’s other ways tobe than either-or. It’s not so simple. Otherwise there
ZRXOGQ·WEHVRPDQ\SHRSOHZKRGRQ·WÀW<RX·UHEHDXWLIXO-HVVEXW,GRQ·WKDYHZRUGVWRKHOSSHRSOH
see that.”“I wish everything could go back to the way itwas,” I told her.
Edna looked off into the distance. “I don’t,”
she said. “I don’t want to go back to the bars and theÀJKWV,MXVWZDQWDSODFHWREHZLWKWKHSHRSOH,ORYH
I want to be accepted for who I am, and not just in
the gay world.”
I felt left out of the fantasy. “What about me?
Can I be accepted too?”
Edna lifted my hand to her mouth and kissed myÀQJHUV´,·PQRWDFFHSWHGWLOO\RXDUHµ
I smiled. “It’s a nice dream. How do we make it
happen?”“I don’t know,” she said. “That’s the problem.”
Edna stretched her thigh across my hip. Her lips
rested on my T-shirt. “I wish I could save you,” shewhispered. “I wish I could be everything that’s beentaken from you.”,ODXJKHG´-XVWEHP\ORYHUµEdna leaned on one elbow and looked me in theeye. “You wish I could save you, don’t you?”“No,” I lied, afraid of losing her.
She sat up. “I don’t know how you couldn’t. It
WHUULÀHVPHZKHQ,WKLQNKRZOLWWOH\RXKDYHKRZ
much you must need. I don’t have that much to giveyou.”
I rolled over and wrapped my arms around her
waist. “Then I’ll try to need less.”
She grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled my
KHDGEDFNXQWLO,ORRNHGKHULQWKHH\HV´2K-HVV
I’m so sorry I’m hurting you. Don’t you think I know
how much it’s hurt you when I couldn’t let you touchPHDIWHUWKDWÀUVWWLPH"$QG,GRQ·WNQRZKRZWRWHOO
you that it has nothing to do with you.”“Thanks a lot,” I laughed bitterly. “I’m the one
you don’t want, so it has plenty to do with me. All
that means to me is that there’s nothing I can doabout it.”
(GQDSXWKHUÀQJHUWLSVDJDLQVWP\OLSVWRVLOHQFH
PH´6RPHWKLQJ·VWHDULQJPHXSLQVLGH-HVVDQG,
can’t explain it.”I sat up eagerly. “Then talk to me, Edna. I could
help.”
6KHVKRRNKHUKHDG´<RXFDQ·WÀ[LWVZHHWKHDUW%XWFKHVDOZD\VZDQWWRÀ[WKHSODFHVWKDWKXUWµ

I sighed. “If I can’t make love to you, and I can’t
À[ZKDWKXUWV\RXWKHQZKHUH·VP\EXWFKPDJLF"
What can I give you?”
Edna smiled and settled back into my arms.
“Give me time,” she said, “and a little space.”ŶŶŶEdna noticed the buds on the trees at the zoo before
I did. She rarely touched me anymore. I envied theway she touched them.
We bought some peanuts and walked aroundaimlessly. I watched a caged tiger pace back and forthacross his tiny cell. He dipped his head and roared.
Edna watched my face. “Sometimes I get the feelingthat when no one’s here you talk to these animals andthey answer you.”
I smiled. “I’d walk into these cages without fear.”
Edna frowned. “They could maul you, without
meaning to.”I nodded. “But I’m not afraid of them.”
We walked in silence till we came to the still
pond where the ducks drifted and dunked. As we satby the pool I realized something was going to happen.
And nothing could delay that moment from arriving.
“You know,” Edna began, “I’ve always waited
Stone Butch Blues237

for a butch to ride up on a horse and save me. I’ve
always leaned on my butch when I felt weak.”I cracked open peanuts, one after another, andtossed them to eager ducks. I knew better than toutter a word. Edna stared at the ducks for a long time
without speaking. She pressed against my body. As
she turned her face toward me I could see the streaksof tears.
I think I knew right then, but sometimes
knowing comes in layers. I whispered her name out
loud. “We can work things out,” I told her.
She shook her head. “I just can’t be with anyone
ULJKWQRZ-HVV,GRQ·WHYHQNQRZZK\,WGRHVQ·W
make sense. If there was ever a hero, you could surely
be mine. You’re everything I ever wanted in a butch.
You’re strong and gentle and you listen and you try so
KDUG,ORYH\RXVRPXFK-HVVµAs Edna cried, she turned her face away fromme. I didn’t touch her. I longed to, but I knew I
shouldn’t. “You know,” I told her, “the moments
I remember most in my life are the ones where
something happened that I didn’t want to have
happen and I couldn’t control it.”
(GQDVQLIÁHGDQGQRGGHG´,·PLQGHHSIUHH]H-HVV$QGVRPHKRZ,KDYHWRVDYHP\VHOI<RXFDQ·W
do it for me. And I don’t know how. I’m so scared.”238

Leslie Feinberg

I reached for her out of instinct. She held me at anarm’s length with a light touch.
7HDUVÀOOHGP\H\HVEXW,UHLQHGP\VHOI LQ
knowing I had many nights ahead of me to grieve.
“Why?” I asked her. “I just don’t understand why you
can’t try.”
6KHELWKHUORZHUOLS´,DPWU\LQJ-HVV,KDYH
tried. I just don’t know what’s happening. I’m just as
lonely as you are. I need so much. That’s what scaresme, that and how much you need me.”“Oh, Edna. Isn’t there something I can do to
keep you from leaving me? Isn’t there anything I can
do to change your mind?”
Edna shook her head. Tears streamed down her
IDFH´2K-HVV,ORYH\RXVRPXFK3OHDVHEHOLHYHme.”
I was relieved when she came into my arms tocry, until I realized she was letting me hold her forthe last time. A wave of panic almost drowned me. I
could feel in my gut what my life was like before Ednacame back into it. “Edna,” I whispered.
6KHFRYHUHGP\OLSVZLWKKHUÀQJHUWLSV´,FDQ·Wµ
she said.
Edna held my face in both her hands and looked
LQWRP\H\HV´:KDWZLOO\RXGR-HVV"2KJRG,ZLVKI was strong enough to save us both.”,ORRNHGDZD\IURPKHU´,·OOEHÀQHµ,KHDUG
myself say. We both laughed out loud. “That was avery butch thing to say, wasn’t it?” I admitted.
“Oh, very,” Edna laughed.
We slipped back over the boundary of ourlaughter to our tears.
I wondered if she would have left me if there
had been more inside of me to love, or if I just could
have needed less.
Edna kissed me on the mouth. If I had moved
toward her she would have pulled away. And so I heldvery still and her kiss lingered a moment longer.
6KHVWRRGXS´,·PVRVRUU\-HVVµ
If pleading would have kept her in my life I
would have dropped to my knees, but I knew she
wouldn’t stay.
“Can I drive you home?” I asked, hoping fortime to try to change her mind. She shook her head.
I stood up and let my lips memorize her
forehead, her cheeks, her chin. I loved the way age
had softened her face. “Can’t I see you sometime?
Talk to you?”
She put her hand on my chest. “Maybe at somepoint. Not now.” Her lips were close to mine. I kissed
her hesitantly. She didn’t draw away from me. Fora moment I felt her need, then she pulled back. I
watched Edna walk away from me.

One at a time I broke the shells of the peanuts.
I threw some of them to the ducks and ate the others
myself. I felt more alone and afraid than ever before.

Stone Butch Blues

239

19
IT SEEMED TO BE A Saturday morning likeany other. One day had become so much like thenext. Each hour dragged so slowly that I didn’t pay
attention as months turned into years.
As I made myself coffee, I watched a blue
MD\ÀJKWZLWKDVWDUOLQJRYHUWKHFUXPEVLQWKHELUG
feeder. Neither noticed the orange-marmalade cat
crouched below them, ready to spring.
I took my time in the shower, trying to scrubaway the grime of isolation with hot, soapy water.
Loneliness had become an environment—the air
I breathed, the spatial dimension in which I was
trapped. I sat in a boat on a deathly calm sea, waiting
IRUDEUHH]HWRÀOOP\VDLOVAnd so it never occurred to me my life mightchange again dramatically that day. It was quite simple,
really. I drew one cc of hormones into a syringe, lifted

it above my naked thigh—and then paused. My arm
felt restrained by an unseen hand. No matter how I
tried I could not sink that needle into my quadriceps
as I’d done hundreds of times before.
I stood up and looked in the bathroom mirror.
The depth of sadness in my eyes frightened me. I
lathered my morning beard stubble, scraped it clean
with a razor, and splashed cold water on my face.
The stubble still felt rough. As much as I loved mybeard as part of my body, I felt trapped behind it.
:KDW,VDZUHÁHFWHGLQWKHPLUURUZDVQRWDPDQEXW
I couldn’t recognize the he-she. My face no longer
revealed the contrasts of my gender. I could see mypassing self, but even I could no longer see the more
complicated me beneath my surface.
I stared far back into my past and remembered
the child who couldn’t be catalogued by Sears. Isaw her standing in front of her own mirror, in
her father’s suit, asking me if I was the person she
would grow up to become. Yes, I answered her. And
I thought how brave she was to have begun thisjourney, to have withstood the towering judgments.
But who was I now—woman or man? I
fought long and hard to be included as a woman
among women, but I always felt so excluded by mydifferences. I hadn’t just believed that passing would
hide me. I hoped that it would allow me to express
the part of myself that didn’t seem to be woman. I
didn’t get to explore being a he-she, though. I simply
became a he—a man without a past.
Who was I now—woman or man? That question
could never be answered as long as those were theonly choices; it could never be answered if it had tobe asked.
I thought about the long road I’d traveled. I had
never stopped looking out at the world through myown eyes. I’d never stopped feeling like me on theinside. What if the real me could emerge, changedby the journey. Who would I be? Suddenly, I needed
to know. What would my life be worth if I stopped
VKRUWRI ÀQGLQJRXW")LQJHUVRI H[FLWHPHQWDQG
fear tightened around my throat. Where was I going
now? Who was I becoming? I couldn’t answer thosequestions, but even asking them was a sign to me thattumultuous change had been boiling just below thesurface of my consciousness.
I searched the apartment for a cigarette, but as I
picked up the pack I watched my hand crush it.
That night I dreamt I was struggling in deep
PXUN\ZDWHU,ÁDLOHGP\DUPVDQGOHJVDJDLQVWLWV
molasses resistance. My lungs ached from holding
my breath. I desperately needed to inhale. I began toslowly swim toward the surface. The pressure eased
on my body. I felt liquid velvet against my hands as
they sliced through the water. I could see the sky,
facets of light shimmering above me. My lungs wereready to explode. I broke through the skin of thewater. I felt the sun and breeze against my face, warmand cool at the same time. I heard the sound of myown laughter.
ŶŶŶI think I really believed that when the hormones
wore off I would discover I’d traveled full circle andreturned home to my own past. But the journey
wasn’t over yet. I realized that the day I saw Theresa
shopping in K-Mart.
I held my breath the moment I recognized her.
Stone Butch Blues

241

She had hardly changed a bit. Would she say the same
about me? I hid behind the men’s underwear display
and watched her. What would she do if I called out
her name? I wanted her to embrace me and takeme home. After all, she’d left me because I’d begun
hormones; now I’d stopped. Could she love me again?
I saw someone put her arm around Theresa. I
angled around the aisles to get a better look at the
woman. It was the same soft butch who had opened
Theresa’s door almost ten years ago—the same lover.
What could Theresa possibly see in that Saturdaynight butch? It was so much harder to be me; I
needed Theresa’s love a lot more than she did. I hated
to admit that she must be special if Theresa loved her.
I heard Theresa laugh, warm and relaxed. Her
face crinkled with love. And then I knew I wasn’t
going home, I wasn’t traveling backward. I was
hurtling forward toward a destination I couldn’t see.
And if I was ever going to lie in Theresa’s arms again,
it would be in some distant future, not now.
I hurried out of the store before they could
see me and raced home on my bike, just ahead of
the tears. I lay on my bed for hours, until the steamy
afternoon shifted to evening. Oak leaves rustled in thebreeze outside my bedroom window; the streetlight
projected their shadows on my wall. The whine of242

Leslie Feinberg

cicadas rose and fell.
Theresa had asked me to send her a letter
someday. I wanted to write it now. I longed to deliver
a bundle of sentences wrapped like a gift to her
doorstep—words that would light up the night sky,words that would soothe and heal. But the words still
wouldn’t come.
During the long night I realized that if love had
been enough, I might never have lost Theresa. But I
did. I could say we came to a fork in the road. That
was the truth, but it wasn’t the whole truth. I knew I
had lost Theresa in little ways long before we parted. I
had been at the center of her world; she had become
my whole world. As my universe shrank, I needed her
to be everything for me, and in return I longed to be
everything she needed. Neither of us could live up to
the expectations.
And yet, how could it be otherwise? How could
I not sink to my knees at the end of the day and ask
her for sanctuary? How could she refuse, loving me
the way she did? The moments she pulled my head
onto her lap and stroked my face were all I knew ofrefuge and acceptance. For her, my admission of
QHHGZDVZKDWVKH·GDVNHGRI PHLQLQÀQLWHZD\V,
don’t know where else I could have gone for safety
in an unsafe world. And I don’t think she could havepossibly sustained her love for me if I had remained
a fortress. Maybe the problem was that I’d begun tobelieve her love could protect me, begun to expect
it, to demand it. Maybe she believed if she just tried
harder she could keep me safe. When she wiped theblood from my face did it mock her power? Would it
be any different if we were in each other’s arms again?
Someday I would tell her the little things I was
beginning to understand. But for now, I could only
write seven lines for her—a short poem squeezed
from the clenched heart of a he-she:
Especially in the cool night
when leafy boughs make patterns on the walls
and consciousness gently ebbs
making way for sleep to lap my shores
in that long moment of no control
coals of remembering glow softly
lending the darkness a different hue.
Nothing happened when I stopped taking hormones.
For months I got up every morning and raced to themirror, breathless with anticipation. Nothing changed.
It was sort of anticlimactic. It took many hours ofelectrolysis before I began to feel the softness of
my cheeks again. One morning I got up and foundmenstrual blood on my BVDs. I threw them out
rather than risk anyone at the laundry seeing theapparent contradiction. But the real motion was
taking place inside of me. I had to be honest withmyself, it was as urgent as breathing. When I sat alone
and asked what it was I really wanted, the answer waschange.
I didn’t regret the decision to take hormones. I
wouldn’t have survived much longer without passing.
And the surgery was a gift to myself, a coming home
to my body. But I wanted more than to just barely
exist, a stranger always trying not to get involved.
,ZDQWHGWRÀQGRXWZKR,ZDVWRGHÀQHP\VHOI
Whoever I was, I wanted to deal with it, I wanted tolive it again. I wanted to be able to explain my life,
how the world looked from behind my eyes.
Yet I was so afraid to come out and face theworld again. I wondered why I had to choose theopening years of the Reagan administration and therise of the Moral Majority to demand the right to bemyself. Would they arm villagers with torches andstakes and stalk me through the countryside? Would
I stand alone, handcuffed in a precinct cell, with noone to turn to if I survived the nightmare? But thenI acknowledged that no matter who had been in
the White House, it had always been hard to be me.
Stone Butch Blues

243

Between a rock and a hard place—something told me
this lifetime wasn’t going to get any easier. I’d alreadybeen through a lot though, and it didn’t seem to me it
could get much worse.
Once again I couldn’t see the road ahead. I
was still steering my own course through uncharted
ZDWHUVUHO\LQJRQFRQVWHOODWLRQVWKDWZHUHQRWÀ[HG
I wished there was someone, somewhere I could ask:
What should I do? But no such person existed in myworld. I was the only expert on living my own life, theonly person I could turn to for answers.
ŶŶŶ

I knew I was changing when people began to gawk
at me again. It had taken a year. My hips strained the
VHDPVRI PHQ·VSDQWV0\EHDUGJUHZZLVS\DQGÀQHfrom electrolysis. My face looked softer. Once myvoice was hormone-lowered, however, it stayed there.
$QGP\FKHVWZDVVWLOOÁDW0\ERG\ZDVEOHQGLQJ
gender characteristics, and I wasn’t the only one who
noticed.
I remembered what it was like to walk a gauntletof strangers who stare—their eyes angry, confused,intrigued. Woman or man: they are outraged that
I confuse them. The punishment will follow. The
244

Leslie Feinberg

RQO\UHFRJQLWLRQ,FDQÀQGLQWKHLUH\HVLVWKDW,DP“other.” I am different. I will always be different.
I will never be able to nestle my skin against the
comfort of sameness.
“How the hell should I know what it is?” theman behind the counter remarked to a customer as I
walked away. The pronoun echoed in my ears. I hadgone to being an it.
Before, strangers had raged at me for being awoman who crossed a forbidden boundary. Now
they really didn’t know what my sex was, and that was
unimaginable, terrifying to them. Woman or man—the bedrock crumbled beneath their feet as I passed
by. How the hell should I know what it is? I had
forgotten how hard this was to endure. But I knew I
was emerging into the next phase of my life. Fear andexcitement gnawed at me.
There was not much keeping me in Buffalo
any longer. Yet I was still afraid to leave. I wanted
to believe that whatever home I was looking for, I’dÀQGLWKHUH%XWWKHWLPHKDGFRPHWRDFFHSWWKDW
my home might be waiting for me somewhere else.
2UPD\EH,KDGWRWUDYHOLQRUGHUWRÀQGWKDWKRPH
inside myself. In any case, there were jobs in New
York City. The dispatcher at the temp agency toldme I could get work in Manhattan. And he said thetwenty-four-hour movie theaters in Times Square
were the cheapest hotels in the city. While I told
myself I couldn’t move because I didn’t have enoughmoney, deep down I feared New York would chew
me up and spit me out.
It wasn’t just the hope of steady work thatdrew me there, however; it was partly the anonymitythat attracted me. Somehow it seemed easier tobe a stranger in a city of strangers. And I hoped I
PLJKWÀQGRWKHUVOLNHPHWKHUH2QO\IHDUNHSWPHLQ
Buffalo.
One morning I came downstairs and found an
oil slick where my Harley had been parked. I couldn’t
believe it had been stolen. I walked around the block
for an hour trying to convince myself I’d simply
IRUJRWWHQZKHUH,·GSDUNHGLW:KHQ,ÀQDOO\VDWGRZQ
on the curb and faced that my bike was gone, I knew
it was time to leave Buffalo.
ŶŶŶAs the Amtrak train pulled out of the Buffalo station
I felt as though I’d left myself behind. I didn’t knowwhat lay ahead, but the train was hurtling through the
darkness toward that destination.
The winter sky was as blue as a childhood
dream, and the clouds formed shapes waiting to be

named. New scenery shot past my window. The earth
emerged—wooded, bleak, and bare. A long ride lay
ahead of me.
“Is anyone sitting here?” a woman asked me.
I shook my head. She put her luggage in the rack
overhead. A little girl peeked around the woman’s legs
DWPH´,·P-RDQDQGWKLVLVP\GDXJKWHU$P\µ
Amy stared at me. I nodded and smiled. “I’m
-HVVµ,WXUQHGDQGORRNHGRXWWKHZLQGRZ,ZDQWHG
to be left alone to think and to wonder.
Amy curled up on her mother’s lap. “Tell me a
VWRU\µ-RDQVPLOHGDQGOHDQHGKHUKHDGEDFNDJDLQVW
the seat.
“Once up a time …” She wove a story about a
OLWWOHJLUOZKRWUDYHOHGRXWLQWRWKHZRUOGWRÀQGWKH
sorcerer who would tell her what she was supposed
to do with her life. But on the way the girl was
FRQIURQWHGE\DÀUHEUHDWKLQJGUDJRQZKREORFNHG
her path. She was very frightened by the dragon.
“What shall I do?” the girl cried out. Suddenly she
noticed a huge boulder balanced on the cliff above.
If she could push the rock, it would fall and kill the
dragon. But how could she get up there? The girlcalled out to an eagle, “Brother Eagle, please help
me slay the dragon!” And the eagle swooped down
and lifted the girl up to the cliff. The dragon saw theboulder falling, but it was too late. When the rock
Stone Butch Blues245

crushed the dragon, it disappeared in a cloud of
smoke. The girl was very happy, but she was afraid
the whole mess had made her late on her journey and
QRZVKH·GQHYHUÀQGWKHVRUFHUHU7KDWHYHQLQJVKH
stopped and camped under a weeping willow beside a
ULYHU6KHVWDUWHGDVPDOOÀUHWRFRRNKHUKRWGRJVDQG
ZHQWLQWRWKHIRUHVWWRÀQGPRUHZRRG:KHQVKHUHWXUQHGVKHIRXQGWKHVRUFHUHUVLWWLQJE\KHUÀUH
toasting marshmallows. She knew it was the sorcerer
because he was wearing a tall pointed cap with stars
and moons on it. So she sat down and asked him,“Mr. Sorcerer, please tell me what I’m supposed to dowith my life.” And the sorcerer smiled and told her,“You are supposed to slay a dragon.”Amy smiled at her mother and curled against her
breast. “Mommy, is that a girl or a man?” she asked,
ORRNLQJXSDW-RDQ-RDQÁDVKHGPHDQDSRORJHWLFH[SUHVVLRQDQG
WXUQHGEDFNWR$P\´7KDW·V-HVVµVKHVDLG
“Can I get you anything from the café car?” I
DVNHG-RDQDV,VWRRGXSDQGLQFKHGSDVWWKHPERWKShe shook her head.
I bought a bottle of pop and a deck of cards andsat in the café car and played solitaire. When I came
EDFNWRP\VHDW-RDQDQG$P\ZHUHJRQH7KH\PXVW
have gotten off at Rochester. I relished the privacy.
246

Leslie Feinberg

The world rushed past my window: streaks ofvermilion, magenta, burnt umber. Silver birch andpatches of snow. Crispy ocher leaves still glued tobranches. Golden waves of graceful weeds reigningover marshland. Brown ducks bobbing in still ponds.
7KHVN\ÀOOHGZLWKFURZVDQGKDZNVDQGWXUNH\vultures. Weather-beaten houses tucked away on hills
EHWZHHQHYHUJUHHQV)DOORZÀHOGVDQGJOHDPLQJVLORVSleepy rural towns turned their shabby backs
toward the railroad tracks. Block-long main drags:
ÀYHDQGGLPHKDUGZDUHDXWRSDUWVJDVROLQHKRPH
cooking. Lime, lemon, peach pastel homes. Sagging
porches. Pick-up trucks and children’s swings rustingin the backyards. Trailer parks—yesterday’s dreams
of mobility stripped of wheels. Abandoned factories,
familiar as a lover’s sigh. Ribbons of roads, trestle,
and track tied all of our lives together like a gift.
I began to feel the pleasure of the weightlessstate between here and there.
But hours later the earth began to recede under
the weight of acres and acres of factories and highrise apartment buildings. We were approaching New
York City. The buildings loomed larger till they
blocked the sky. I descended deeper into a forest oftenements. Some lived in, some abandoned—the
differences were slight: boards or cloth tacked up over

windows. Laundry snapping in the air, strung fromÀUHHVFDSHV(YHU\LQFKRI ZDOOVSDFHVHHPHGWREH
spray-painted with names.
I could taste the poverty—familiar grit between
my teeth.
“That’s Harlem,” I heard a man say to his
traveling companion. Harlem! I felt breathless withexcitement.

Stone Butch Blues

247

20
I STOOD STOCK-STILL OUTSIDE Grand
Central Station looking up. I felt like a child again,
standing at the bottom of a concrete canyon withsky-high walls. Crowds of people rushed like rapids.
Strangers slammed me as they passed. Move it, asshole.
I remembered how it felt to grow up in the adults’world, as though everyone had met together andÀJXUHGRXWDSODQRI DFWLRQDQG,GLGQ·WKDYHDFOXH
I worked my way to the curb and asked the guy
at the newsstand, “Where’s 42nd Street?”“You’re standing on it,” he snapped.
´+RZGR\RXÀQGDQDSDUWPHQWLQWKLVFLW\"µ,asked.
´<RXZDQWDQDSDUWPHQW"*RÀQGVRPHRQH
who’s got a rent-controlled apartment and kill them.”
He wasn’t smiling as he handed me a copy of theVillage Voice and took my money.

I pressed my back against the façade of a
EXLOGLQJDQGZDWFKHGWKHFURZGÁRZSDVWPH,
realized this city required a strategy and I didn’t haveone. I had six hundred dollars. It had to get me anapartment with enough left for food and tokens tillP\ÀUVWSD\FKHFN
It turned out to be true that 42nd6WUHHWZDVÀOOHG
with all-night theaters. Admission was three dollars
for kung fu movies endlessly strung together. I chosea theater and entered an all-male world. The theater
smelled like stale cigarettes and reefer. Many of theseats were broken, something I didn’t discover until,VDWGRZQDQGODQGHGRQWKHVWLFN\ÁRRU7KHPHQ
nearest me checked me out and went back to staring
at the screen.
I loved the movies. They seemed to share atheme. A young man is faced with a powerful enemy.

+H·VIRUFHGWRÀQGDWHDFKHUZKRFDQWUDLQKLP
in monkey style, praying mantis, tiger, eagle claw,
scorpion. The twist is that the teacher is not powerfulenough on his own or dies before the young man isready. It always takes some special combination ofskills and insights to defeat the foe. The hero washonorable—marked by humility and discipline andwas very respectful, if not chaste, with his girlfriend.
But every time a woman appeared on the screen,
the men around me shouted, “Eat that pussy! Fuck
WKDWELWFKµ$WÀUVWLWVFDUHGPH7KHQ,UHDOL]HGZLWKthe exception of me, this was an all-male audience.
Who were they talking to if not each other? Was eachman who shouted from his stoned stupor trying toconvince the men nearby that a woman could still
make his dick hard? That no matter how the weightof the streets had crushed him he was still a real man?
I kept putting off going to the bathroom,
but after a while I just had to. The stench hit me
as I opened the men’s room door. An older man
was sitting on one toilet, a needle stuck in his arm,
nodding. The tile was gummy with crud. There
were no doors on the stalls. Most of the toilets wereRYHUÁRZLQJZLWKVKLWDQGWRLOHWSDSHU
I snuck into the women’s bathroom. It was
PXVW\IURPODFNRI XVH-XVWDV,ZDV]LSSLQJP\pants back up, the door opened. “What are you doingin here?” a man in a red blazer asked me.
I let my voice settle into rough. “Taking a shit.
Do ya mind?” I pushed past him and went back to my
VHDW%\WKHWLPH,·GVHHQHDFKÀOPWZLFH,EHJDQWRdoze.
The next morning I walked, asking directions ofnearly everyone I passed, till I was on the doorstep of
WKHÀUVWUHQWDODJHQF\,·GIRXQGLQWKHVoice.
“Do you have anything cheaper?” I asked thewoman agent.
“You want an apartment or a dump? Two
KXQGUHGÀIW\³WKDW·VDEDUJDLQµ
I thought about it. “When can I move in?”
“Here’s the keys,” she said.
I reached for the keys, she pulled them back.
“That’s one month rent, one month security, and aÀQGHU·VIHHSD\DEOHQRZµ“I only have $500,” I told her, hoping the extra$100 would last me till I found a job and got paid.
She looked me up and down and held out an
open palm. “Give me the $500 now. You’ll owe me
WKHÀQGHU·VIHH<RXKDYHWLOO)ULGD\<RXGRQ·WFRPH
up with the money by then, you’re out.” I thanked her
as I signed the lease.
She needn’t have given me the keys. Theapartment had no locks. It also had no stove,
Stone Butch Blues

249

UHIULJHUDWRUUXQQLQJZDWHURUÁRRUERDUGV,VWHSSHG
carefully between the two-by-fours underfoot.
,UDFHGEDFNGRZQÀYHÁLJKWVRI VWDLUVDQG
called the agency. “It’s unlivable,” I told the woman.
“That’s not my problem,” she said.
“I want my money back!”
She laughed, almost gently. “You signed a lease,honey. It’s yours for thirty days.”“I want my money back! There’s gotta be laws.
You can’t do that,” I sputtered into the dead receiver.
It was dusk and I was cold. The man in thecorner liquor store gave me a couple of cardboard
FDUWRQV,FOLPEHGEDFNXSWKHÀYHÁLJKWVRI VWDLUV,
wedged a piece of cardboard in the door to keep it
VKXWÁDWWHQHGWKHUHVWRI WKHER[HVDQGXVHGWKHP
for a bed. I lay there feeling like a damn fool. Now
most of my money was gone and I had no income.
I heard footsteps on the hall stairs. I wondered
who it could be since the building appeared to
be deserted. The footsteps grew closer, paused
RQP\ÁLJKWDQGDSSURDFKHGP\GRRU,OD\VWLOO
trying not to breathe. One push on my door andthis stranger would know I had wedged it from theinside. I was quiet for a long time as someone stoodsilently outside my door. Then I heard the footsteps
recede back down the stairs. I jumped to my feet
250

Leslie Feinberg

and grabbed my duffel bag, eager to get out of thisdangerous dump. What had made me think I could
survive this city?
I didn’t know any other place to spend the night
except the kung fu theaters. They felt a whole lot safer
than an abandoned building. I stopped a Chinese
man on the street and asked him where I was. “MottStreet,” he answered. “Where you wanna go?”I sighed. “Times Square—42nd Street.”
He indicated the distance with a wave of hisarm. “A-train.”
Where were the damn trains? How did peopleÀQGWKHVXEZD\VLQWKLVFLW\",DVNHGDQGDVNHGXQWLO
someone pointed to a staircase leading down under
the street. I bought a token and entered the world of
New York City subways. Nothing in life had preparedme for this.
In Buffalo I always had my own vehicle. Even
when I had to take a bus, we all sat day-dreaming inthe same direction. On the subway, we faced eachother.
The subway car was crowded. I had never had
the opportunity to observe people this way. Most of
the riders looked asleep on their feet, their eyes glazed
over. Others buried their noses in newspapers andbooks. I suddenly realized that at least a few people

were doing exactly what I was doing. They werelooking at people; they were looking at me.
The woman sitting across from me stared as
though I was from another planet. She nudged her
boyfriend. “Is that a guy or a girl?”
He looked at me from head to toe. “How should
I know?” I hoped we would arrive at 42nd Street soon.
“Hey,” he demanded, “are you a guy or what?”,VWDUHGEDFNDWKLPZLWKP\ÁDWIDFHRQ´+H\,
asked you a fucking question. Are you deaf ?” I didn’t
answer.
He got up and stood over me, holding thestraps for support. He leaned near my face. I could
smell beer. “I’m asking you one more time, youmotherfucker. What the fuck are you?” The train
stopped at 42nd Street and the doors opened. He wasblocking my escape.
“C’mon, hon,” his girlfriend tugged at him.
I stood up. We both squared off nose-to-nose. I
FOHQFKHGP\ÀVWVDWP\VLGH´&·PRQKRQµVKH
FDMROHG´<RXSURPLVHGPH\RXZRXOGQ·WJHWLQDÀJKWagain today.”
They both turned to get off the train. I decided
to stay on. “You fucking faggot,” he shouted at me.
“Fuck you,” I yelled back at him.
“It’s a guy,” he told his girlfriend.

I got off at the next station and walked backdown 8th Avenue toward 42nd Street. If I madeenough money, maybe I’d go back to Buffalo. At thatmoment I believed it.
“Looking for fun, honey?” A woman steppedout in front of me on the sidewalk and opened her
fake leopard coat to show me her black bustier.
“Let me take good care of you,” she pursed her lips
and hooked her arm through mine. I remembered
coming out as a baby butch and being nurtured by thestrength of pros like her. Once I had been on theirside in the world. Now I was seen as a trick. I pulledaway from her in horror.
“Fuck you,” she spat on the sidewalk in front ofme.
I noticed a squad car parked diagonally acrossthe intersection. I heard sirens racing up behind me.
I neared a small throng of cops. One of them
SXVKHGD%ODFNGUDJTXHHQLQÀVKQHWVWRFNLQJVXS
against a squad car and cuffed her hands behind herback. She turned her face toward me. Help me, she
asked wordlessly.
I don’t know how, my eyes answered.
Two cops were hovering over another dragqueen who was sprawled on the asphalt. The blood
bubbled out of a wide crack in her forehead. One
Stone Butch Blues251

of the cops knelt down beside her. He never took
his eyes off me as he reached forward and took oneof her hormone-swollen breasts in his hand. “Honk,
honk,” he laughed as he squeezed it.
,VWRSSHGGHDGLQP\WUDFNVFKLOOHGDQGÀOOHG
with hatred. I couldn’t think of a way to intervene
except to stand there and witness. The cop standing
nearest me walked over. He brought his face up
close to mine. “What’s your fucking problem?” heasked me. He’d eaten garlic recently. I didn’t move or
speak. He jabbed me in the rib with the end of hisnightstick. “How’d you like me to run you in?” heasked. The thought of getting busted alone in New<RUN&LW\WHUULÀHGPH´$QVZHUPHKXK"<HVRUQR"µ
I paused. He grabbed his nightstick with both hands
and held it horizontally across my chest. “Yes or no,
asshole?”I exhaled. “No.”“You mean No, sir,” he taunted me.
I pressed my lips together. He stared into myeyes. “Get the fuck out of here,” he ordered.
I ran down 46th Street until I couldn’t hear theirlaughter any more. My breath came in short gasps. An
icy wind blew off the river.
A young child was standing near the driver’s sideof a car, talking to the man behind the steering wheel.
If she hadn’t been wearing high heels, she wouldn’t
252

Leslie Feinberg

have been tall enough to meet the driver’s eyes. She
wore a thin, short jacket and seamed stockings. She
must have been freezing. I saw her walk around to thepassenger side of the car and get in.
I couldn’t run or walk any further. I leaned myforehead against the cold brick face of a building. The
physical pain began in my chest and worked its way
up to my throat. I opened my mouth to scream, but
no sound would come.
ŶŶŶThe next morning I was waiting in front of the 42nd
6WUHHWWHPSRUDU\ODERURIÀFHZKHQLWRSHQHG$PDQ
in a plaid sports coat read over my application. “Whatkind of discharge?” he asked me.
“Huh?”“The service. What kind of discharge you got?”,VKUXJJHG,KDGQ·WÀOOHGRXWWKDWVHFWLRQRI WKH
application. “I wasn’t in the service.”
He leaned back in his chair. “Why not?”I leaned forward. “Mister, you got a job for me
or not?”He slammed his pen down. “You got a driver’s
license?” I shook my head. “Get one,” he said.
“No,” I told him. “I don’t want to drive in thiscity. Too crazy.”He wrote something down on a piece of paper.
“Know how to drive a forklift?” I nodded. “Sewing
machine factory,” he said. “Skid work.” He was a manof few words.
“What’s it pay?”
He smiled. “$80 a week. We take $40 out thisweek and next.”
I leaned forward in anger. “What for?”´)RUÀQGLQJ\RXWKHMRE<RXZDQWLWRUQRW"µI exhaled through clenched teeth. “Yeah, I’ll takeit.”
His spirits seemed brighter. “Good, here’s the
directions. Listen kid, nothing in life comes free.”During the week I lived on peanut butter
sandwiches. On payday I treated myself to thecafeteria across from the factory.
“Brisket,” I pointed to it. The man behind thecafeteria counter nodded and began to carve it.
“Lo mismo,” the older woman on my left toldhim.
My stomach growled. The woman smiledknowingly at me. We both hungrily eyed the meat
being carved.
The stack of meat on my plate continued togrow, and still the man piled on more. The woman
nodded at me. I raised both eyebrows.

She sighed. “A man needs more food,” she said.
After work I bought two strong hasps andtwo locks at the hardware store and went back to
the abandoned building on Mott Street. I installed
them so I could lock the door from the inside or theoutside. Then I bought a piece of plywood to cover
DSDWFKRI ÁRRUERDUGVDQGDFKHDSDLUPDWWUHVVIRU
DEHG2QP\ÀUVWQLJKWLQ1HZ<RUN&LW\,·GEHHQ
scared to death in this building at night. Now, a week
later, I thought I’d die if I didn’t get a few nights ofprivacy.
There was no running water in the building. But
when one of the guys at the movie theater had foundme rinsing a T-shirt in the men’s room sink, he toldme Grand Central was a much better place to cleanup.
During the day I worked temp assignments
washing dishes and loading trucks. After work I
waited till the rush hour thinned, washed out a T-shirt
in the men’s room in Grand Central Station, andtook it home to dry. At dawn I went back to Grand
Central Station to wash up. At that hour the men’sroom belonged to homeless men who, like myself,
struggled to hang onto the last shred of self-worth.
On two occasions I suspected that a homeless man,bundled up in coats, was really a woman.
Stone Butch Blues253

Through a second agency I got a job as a nightwatchman. At least I could use the bathroom in
private. I had to make rounds every sixty minutes.
With the help of an alarm clock I could sleep fortytwo minutes each hour.
Double shifts were killing me, but I was driven
to earn enough money to get a real apartment.
As the weather got colder, I developed a coughI couldn’t quiet with lozenges and syrups. My throat
was raw. I hoped it would go away. “Go home, for
Christsakes,” one of the guys on the loading platform
said earlier in the week.
“Can’t afford to,” I told him.
Fever consumed me. Sidewalks rolled under myfeet. Buildings curved over me and blocked the sky.
Wind tore at my clothing. I made it to my apartment
E\OHDQLQJDJDLQVWWKHÁLPV\EDQLVWHUDQGUHVWLQJRQ
each landing.
My sleeping bag and pillow looked inviting.
7KHURRPZDVGDUN)RUWKHÀUVWWLPHLQZHHNV,ZDV
warm enough. Too warm, really. As I lay down to
VOHHS,WKRXJKW,VDZDEDWOLNHGHPRQÁ\LQJEDFNDQGIRUWKDERYHPHÀOOLQJWKHURRPZLWKWKHKXPRI 
beating wings. I fell asleep to escape my terror. WhenI awoke I saw Theresa sitting next to me. My pillow
was soaking wet. Her hand felt cool on my cheek. I’dalmost forgotten her smile was a gift.
“Theresa,” I whispered, “I love you so much. I
miss you, honey. Please take me back.”
She silenced me with her hand. Jess, you have to go
to the hospital.
I shook my head. “I can’t. I’m too sick to protect
myself.”
6KHVRRWKHGPHZLWKKHUÀQJHUWLSVIt’s time now,
sweetheart. You can do it. I know you can.
“Theresa, I’m so scared.”
6KHQRGGHGDVVKHUDQKHUÀQJHUVWKURXJKP\hair. I know, Jess. I know.
I shook my head. “I don’t just mean the hospital.
I don’t know how to live my life anymore. I’m afraid.”
She nodded. You’re doing it, Jess. Just hang on.
I tried to get up on one elbow, but I sankback down. “I’m so alone, Theresa. I don’t belong
anywhere. I don’t even know if I still exist.” Theresa
wiped the tears from my eyes. I took her hand inmine. “Please, Theresa, stay with me. Please don’t go.
I’m so scared.”
I’m right here, baby, she reassured me. I’ve always
been here with you.
I rolled down a hill toward unconsciousness.
“But you’re fading,” I whispered.
ŶŶŶ

254

Leslie Feinberg

I strained to walk against a bitter wind. I couldn’t
make it to the hospital. My legs wouldn’t carryme much further, and I felt too weak to submit
to an examination. Theresa had overestimated mystrength—physically and emotionally.
I coughed so violently I was afraid my ribs mightcrack. The sound of a distant siren seemed to bend
like taffy. City lights shimmered. I walked aimlessly
through the streets of the Lower East Side, unsure
how to get back to my apartment. “C&D,” a young
man whispered as I passed. “What you looking for?”I shook my head. “I don’t know.”His eyes lit up. “What you need?” I coughedand coughed, until the street lights spun around me.
“Man,” he said, “you’re sick, huh?”“It was just a sore throat, but now I can’t stop
coughing.”“How much money you got?” he asked. I
shrugged. “You got twenty dollars?” I nodded. “Waithere,” he told me.
I stood on the corner so long I forgot what I
was waiting for. He came back with an amber vial.
As I reached for it he pulled it back. I handed him atwenty dollar bill.
“You take them four times a day. You gotta takeall of them, you know? That’s what the man said.”

I frowned. “What is it?”He shrugged. “Medicine. I told him what you
told me. You got another ten dollars?”“Why?” I answered. That meant yes.
“I got four codeine here. That oughta make youstop coughin’, or at least stop carin’.”I smiled and handed him another ten dollars.
“Thanks,” I said, and meant it.
He shook my hand. “You take care of yourself
now, hear?”
I bought two quarts of juice and found my way
back to the abandoned space I called home. Everyfew hours when the coughing woke me, I’d pop a pill
and codeine tablet and go back to sleep. When I woke
up Sunday morning my bedroll was soaked. I sat up
and rubbed my eyes. I felt stronger. The illness was
breaking up and leaving me.
The rent on this place was due at the end ofeach week. I’d found a cheap hotel near the temp
agencies where I could rent by the week until I
could save up for a decent apartment—a real home.
I looked around. I couldn’t believe I’d lived in thisdump for a whole month.
ŶŶŶStone Butch Blues

255

“How much?” I asked the super.
´7KUHHWZHQW\ÀYHDPRQWKZLWKKHDWDQG
KRWZDWHU7KHWRLOHW·VLQWKHKDOO7KUHHWZHQW\ÀYHsecurity deposit.”
I nodded. It had a small bedroom, kitchen, andliving room, all in one straight line. I gave him thecash; he handed me the lease. “Wait,” I said as heturned to leave. “There’s no bathtub?”“There,” he pointed to a corner of the kitchen.
It was a tub covered with a sheet of metal. Strangecity.
I locked the door of my apartment and turned
to look around. It needed paint: yellow for the
kitchen, sky blue for the bedroom, creamy ivory forthe living room. I needed rugs. And dishes, silverware,pots and pans. Cleanser for the sink.
I opened my duffel bag to look for a pad andpen to make a list. There was the china kitten that
Milli had left me. I placed it gingerly on the mantle in
the living room. I put the amber glass, from the home
Theresa and I once had, on the windowsill in the
NLWFKHQDQGPDGHDPHQWDOQRWHWREX\VRPHÁRZHUVI left the wedding ring Theresa had bought me on the
mantle.
I decided to buy yellow calico curtains for theliving room windows, like the kind Betty had made256

Leslie Feinberg

for my garage apartment. I glanced at the door once
more to make sure it was locked.
,SULHGRSHQWKHZLQGRZWKDWOHGWRWKHÀUH
escape. From there I could see the East River.
Competing sounds of Latin music from cars andDSDUWPHQWZLQGRZVÀOOHGP\HDUV&KLOGUHQSOD\HG
in the street. Their mothers yelled at them from thewindows. In any language their warnings meant Be
careful.
New buds were popping from the skinny treesthat lined the street. It was spring. I noticed wiry
weeds, almost as big as saplings, growing between thebuildings and in vacant lots. They pushed throughcracks in the cement, growing with scarcely any soil or
OLJKW7KHVLJKWZDVVWUDQJHO\UHDVVXULQJ,ÀJXUHGLI 
they could survive here, so could I.
ŶŶŶA woman in the supermarket turned and stared at me
as I clawed at my crotch. The itching and burning had
become unbearable over the months. It wasn’t goingaway by itself. I had a vaginal infection. I’d put off
doing anything about it, refusing to admit I needed tosee a doctor. Why did the infection have to be thereof all places? Why couldn’t it be an ear infection?

,KDGDÁ\HURQP\UHIULJHUDWRUGRRUWKDW,·G
lifted off a lamp post, advertising a women’s healthclinic in my neighborhood. On Wednesday night I
mustered my courage and went. “This clinic is for
women,” the receptionist smiled.
I nodded. “I know. I have a vaginal infection,” I
whispered.
“A what?” she asked.
I took a deep breath and spoke in a stronger
voice. “A vaginal infection.”
Stillness fell over the crowded waiting room. The
silence punished me. The receptionist looked me up
and down. “Are you kidding?”
I shook my head. “I have a vaginal infection. I
came here for help.”
The receptionist nodded. “Have a seat, sir.”I debated leaving, but the itching and burning
were getting worse every day. I watched thereceptionist greet the woman who arrived after me.
´-XVWSXOO\RXURZQFKDUWDQGKDYHDVHDWµVKHVDLG
“The doctor will be with you shortly. Help yourself toherbal tea.”
Everyone in the waiting room was staring at me.
I looked at the bulletin board: women’s dances andrituals; therapists, masseuses, and accountants. New
symbols: a two-edged hatchet, a circle with a cross on

the bottom. New names: Goodwomyn, Silverwomyn.
I could hear myself being discussed in loudvoices. “He’s crazy.”“Well, why can’t they be crazy in their own
space?”
I found an empty chair and sat down. I noticed
a book on the rack next to me called Our Bodies,
Ourselves and made a mental note to buy it in abookstore.
A shadow fell across me—a woman with aclipboard. Her nameplate read Roz. Once inside theexamining room Roz threw down her clipboard on
the desk and nodded toward a chair. “What’s this allabout?” All my words tumbled out. I tried to tell her
everything—who I was, why I’d come.
Roz sat back in her chair and nodded as though
she really understood. Then she said, “I don’t knowwhat your problem is, but this is a clinic for women
who are sick and you’re using up the resources rightnow.”“What?”“You may think you’re a woman,” Rozcontinued, “but that doesn’t mean you are one.”
My anger ignited. “Fuck you,” I shouted.
She leaned back in her chair and smirked. “Whata very male thing to say.”Stone Butch Blues257

I felt my face grow purple with rage. “Fuck allof you!” I got up to leave.
A doctor blocked my exit. “What’s going on in
here?” she asked. Roz must have made a gesture I
couldn’t see. The doctor nodded. “Come with me,”the doctor said. I followed her into the hall.
“What’s going on?” she asked me.
I sighed. “I have a vaginal infection.”
She searched my face with her eyes. “Have you
taken any antibiotics recently?”
I brightened. “Maybe. I took something a coupleof months ago for a bad cough.”
She nodded. “How long have you had thevaginal infection?”
I shrugged. “A couple of months.”
Her eyes widened. “You’ve had this for a coupleof months and you didn’t do anything about it?”“Well, I was hoping it would go away.”
She smiled slightly. “Let’s take a look. Come withme.”
I stiffened with fear. Too much had alreadyhappened to me here. I couldn’t let her touch me
there. “I can’t,” I told her. “Please. It’s been hard to
do this. I just can’t.”
She watched the emotions I couldn’t hide.
“This is a prescription for Monistat.” She scribbled
258

Leslie Feinberg

on a pad. “It should stop the itching and burning
sensation. Next time you take antibiotics, eat a cup of
yogurt each day.”
I wondered if she was pulling my leg about
yogurt. “You believe me, don’t you?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “You might be a man. But if you
are a woman, I don’t want to send you away. It doesn’t
cost me anything to write you out a prescription.
When’s the last time you had a pap smear?”I froze. She pressed. “Within the last three
years?” I dropped my eyes, but she wouldn’t let go of
WKHTXHVWLRQ´:LWKLQWKHODVWÀYHVL["µI shook my head. “I don’t know what that is,” I
admitted.
When I looked up she had tears in her eyes.
“Now I believe you,” she said.
“Why?” I asked her. “Plenty of men don’t know
this stuff either, do they?”
She nodded. “Yes, but they don’t feel ashamed.
Who’s your regular doctor?”“I don’t have one.”
She continued to watch my face in a way thatunnerved me. “I’d like you to come back for an
examination and a pap smear.”“Sure,” I lied. I doubted I’d be able to get up theemotional energy to face the scene in the reception

area again unless I was in real bad shape. And
besides, the thought of a doctor opening my legs andexamining me chilled me to the bone.
“Thanks for listening,” I told her. “Almost
nobody hears me anymore.”
She squeezed my arm. “You can make an
appointment at the front desk on your way out. Don’t
put it off too long.”
I could still feel her hand on my arm after
she’d walked away. I suddenly realized I didn’t know
her name. I might need to come back someday. I
started down the hall after her. Roz came out of theexamining room and blocked my way.
“What’s her name?” I asked Roz. “I forgot toask.”
Roz’s voice was cold. “You got what you wanted,
now leave.”“You’re wrong, Roz,” I corrected her. “I got
what I needed. You have no idea how much I want.”ŶŶŶEvery time I got a paycheck I used part of it on myapartment. I spent one whole weekend spackling thecracks in my walls and ceilings. As I applied paint toeach room with broad strokes my spirits lifted.

On my most ambitious weekend I sanded all
WKHZRRGÁRRUV7KHQ,VWDUWHGIURPWKHIXUWKHVW
corner of the apartment and polyurethaned myself
out the door. That night I slept at a 42nd Street theateragain—just for one more night!
7KHÁRRUVZHUHGD]]OLQJ,WDGGHGDQHZ
dimension underfoot, as though the ceilings wereraised, or the apartment had grown in size.
,IRXQGDEODFN*XDWHPDODQUXJDWDÁHDPDUNHW
,WKDGWLQ\ÁHFNVRI ZKLWHLQLW,XQUROOHGLWLQP\living room and stood back to look. It reminded me
RI WKHQLJKWVN\ÀOOHGZLWKVWDUV
Gradually I bought furniture—a sturdy couchand reading chair, a mahogany kitchen table andchairs. At the Salvation Army I found a bed—thehead and footboards were ovals carved out of cherry.
I went crazy buying sheets at Macy’s.
As my house came together, I suddenly wanted
things that made my body feel good. I threw out myold jeans and bought new chinos, underwear, shirts,
and two pairs of sneakers, so that I didn’t have topound the pavement in the same pair every day.
I bought thick, soft towels and fragrances for mybath that pleased me.
And then one day I looked around at myapartment and realized I’d made a home.
Stone Butch Blues

259

21
LIVING IN NEW YORK CITY wasn’t easy—
sometimes my nerves felt like grated cheese—but it
was never boring. I liked that. Something was always
happening in Manhattan, good or bad. There were
things to do almost any hour of the day or night.
There was a bookstore on practically every
corner in New York City. I read the books furtively
until I realized nobody cared if I hung out for hours.
,RQO\UHDGWKHSRHWU\DQGÀFWLRQ,GLGQ·WZDQWto discover I wasn’t smart enough to understandQRQÀFWLRQ%XWWKH:RPHQ·V6WXGLHVVHFWLRQWHPSWHG
PH%\OHDÀQJWKURXJKWKHERRNV,FRXOGHDYHVGURSon the discussions going on between women without
being seen. It turned out to be true that I couldn’t
understand a lot of the theory. But I felt as though
I was rushing into a burning building to rescue theideas I needed in my own life.

$WÀUVW,VNLPPHGSDVWDOOWKHZRUGVDQGSDJHV
about reproductive rights. I had no relationship to myown uterus. But I remembered how upset Theresa
had been after I got busted in Rochester because she
couldn’t remember when she had her last period. I
never kept track of my menstrual cycle. But Theresa
always knew when my period was in relation to hers.
It suddenly made sense to me: she was afraid I might
have gotten pregnant. The idea had never occurred tome. What would I have done if I’d gotten pregnant
after a rape?
I stopped skipping over the sections in books
about women controlling their own bodies. Maybe allthese things that were so important to other women
would prove to have meaning for me, too. No matter
how much I read at the bookstores, I always ended up
spending a lot of my paychecks on books.

I also discovered classical music. On my way
to work one morning I stood and listened to a man
playing the cello in the subway station. The music
grabbed me by the collar and wouldn’t let me go. I
crouched down next to the pillar nearest him as heplayed. The music articulated emotions for me, theway poetry did. When the rush hour crowd thinned I
realized I was late for work.
The musician put down his bow and wiped hisbrow. “What were you playing?” I asked him.
He smiled. “Mozart.”
I began to haunt music stores as well. I scraped
together enough money for a stereo. I also explored
reggae and merengue, charanga and guaguancó, jazzand blues. One spring afternoon I found myself
scrubbing my apartment. I had turned up Pachelbel’s“Canon in D Major” full blast.
I realized I was changing on the inside as muchas I was on the outside.
ŶŶŶ“If you’re an organizer for Local 6,” the owner leaned
across his desk, “you can punch in, but you may notpunch out.” Ironic. He was afraid the union had sent
PHWRRUJDQL]HKLVW\SHVHWWHUV,ZDVDIUDLGKH·GÀQG
out I’d only recently learned to type.

The foreman led me to a machine. “Here’s the
manual. I don’t have time to train you now. Start
typing this text. When it’s done, run it out and give itto the proofreaders in there. I’ll show you the format
codes later, or look them up. Got it?”
I nodded. “Wait,” I stopped him, “how do I run
it out?”He shook his head disgustedly. “That’s what you
got a manual for.”
From where I typeset I could see four women
working inside the proofreaders’ room. I could hear
their laughter, easy and relaxed. The foreman poked
his head in and said something I couldn’t hear. They
broke off their conversation. One woman nodded.
He left. Their laughter rose again.
I wondered if men know that women talkdifferently among themselves. I guessed the same
must be true for the Black and Latino workers too,
when no whites were around.
The women huddled to share a secret.
I typed up the text and looked up the codes to
run it out. I actually looked forward to being inside
the proofreaders’ space for a moment—women’s
space. The women stopped talking as I walked in. I
held up the repros. “Put them over there,” one of
the women said. She didn’t look at me as she spoke.
I sighed, dropped them in the basket, and left. As I
Stone Butch Blues261

walked away, I heard their conversation resume andtheir voices rise in laughter once again.
I only lasted one shift in that shop. But New
York City was chock full of typesetting shops that ran
around the clock. They were always hiring on third
shift—lobster shift. After faking my way into enoughshops and learning a bit at each, I soon realized I
ZDVQ·WEOXIÀQJDQ\ORQJHU,KDGEHFRPHDW\SHVHWWHU
It wasn’t a bad rhythm of life. For six or eightmonths out of the year I earned top dollar.
I loved the leisurely predawn ride home,traveling in the opposite direction to packed rushhour trains and crowded streets. But it was dark when,JRWXSDQG,EHJDQWRIHHOOLNHDPROH-XVWZKHQI thought I’d lose my sanity, it was summertime—layoffs. I became eligible for the maximum
XQHPSOR\PHQWEHQHÀWV
During the summer I explored the city. My
biggest problem was loneliness. I didn’t have anyone
to talk to all summer long. By fall I longed for casualconversation between co-workers.
ŶŶŶBill pounded the lunchroom table for emphasis. I readthe newspaper. “Isn’t that the truth?” Bill asked me.
262

Leslie Feinberg

He leaned forward. “It’s too fucking weird working
nights in a plant with no windows. You could come
RXWLQWKHPRUQLQJDQGÀQGRXWWKHUH·VEHHQDQXFOHDU
meltdown and you never knew it.”
-LPODXJKHG´:HOOLI \RXVHHWKHVXQULVLQJLQWKHZHVWFRPHEDFNDQGWHOOWKHUHVWRI XV2."µ-LP
sighed. “I know what you mean, though. I remember
one time I came out of work at dawn and there was
two feet of snow on the ground. I didn’t even know
it was going to snow. I felt like I missed something
the whole rest of the world saw and I was somewhere
else.”“It’s like working in a fucking submarine,” Billagreed.
´<RXNQRZZKDW,KDWHWKHPRVW"µ-LP
continued. “I get so disoriented about which is today
and when is tomorrow. When I get up at night to go
to work, my girlfriend says she’ll see me tomorrow.
But for me, I’m going to see her later today.”
I nodded. “I know exactly what you mean. I
feel like I’m living between the cracks of today andtomorrow.”“Ooh,” Bill said, “I like that. Can I quote you?”
We all laughed.
“You know what I really hate about shift work?”,VDLG´7KHZD\WKHZKROHZRUOGLVJHDUHGWRÀUVWshift. When I get off work I don’t want bacon andeggs. I want steak and baked potato. I want dinner!”´<HDKµ-LPFKLPHGLQ´$QG,ZDQWWRVHHD
movie.”“And go dancing with my old lady at a club sowild it stays open past noon,” Bill said.
“And when I turn on TV,” I added, “I don’t want
to see game shows and soap operas—it’s depressing.”“Hey, guy,” Bill said. “Why don’t you come to
the gym with us in the morning? We go swimming
right after work. They got a steam room, too. We canget you in on a pass.”
It sounded like heaven, but I fumbled for an
excuse. “I don’t have a swimsuit or towel or anything.
Maybe another time.”-LPFXWPHRII´7KH\JRWWRZHOVWKHUH+HOO
they wouldn’t care if you swim naked.”
I shook my head. “I knew I shouldn’t have worn
my Fred Flintstone boxer shorts today.” The guys
laughed. “Another time. But thanks for the offer.”
Bill shrugged. “Suit yourself.”ŶŶŶDuring the summer I made a list of things I’d like
WRDFFRPSOLVKMRLQDJ\PÀQGRXWPRUHDERXWP\aunt who had been a union organizer, and have my
picture taken in front of the Stonewall bar where therebellion took place in 1969.
After visiting a lot of gyms I found one inChelsea that felt comfortable. It was mostly gay men,some lesbians, different nationalities. It was expensive,
but the nice thing about having a decent-paying job
most of the year was it meant I could join.
Next I set out to learn about my aunt who
died in New York City around 1929. She becamean organizer for the International Ladies’ Garment
Workers after her husband died. My father was always
so proud that she merited an obituary in the New YorkTimes. I remembered seeing it in the family scrapbook.
I spent two weeks searching obituaries at thelibrary, with no luck. I came close to giving up, but
decided to try 1930. “There’s a half-hour limit today
because we’re busy,” the woman behind the researchcounter said as she handed me the spool.
,WKUHDGHGWKHÀOPDQGTXLFNO\IHOOLQWRP\routine of scanning headlines. I almost passed thisone without registering its meaning: “Male Butler
Discovered After Death To Be Woman.”
My breathing slowed. I popped a quarter in themachine and printed out the article. I read each word
carefully. The obituary reported the death of a servant
Stone Butch Blues263

in 1930. Her body was found in a rooming house. Her
name was never mentioned. Nothing more: no diary,no clues. All I had were these few words on a page toknow her by. I closed my eyes. I would never have thedetails of her life and yet I could feel its texture with
P\ÀQJHUWLSVNow I knew there was another woman in theworld who had made the same complicated decision
Rocco and I made. Time separated me from thisanonymous servant. Space separated me from Rocco.
The headline chilled me—her life reduced to
HLJKWÁDWZRUGV,ZRQGHUHGLI P\OLIHZRXOGEH
recorded in eight words or less. I stared at a spot highup on the wall, feeling empty and small.
“Sir,” the librarian’s voice broke my thoughts,“your time is up.”ŶŶŶ

7KHODVWWDVN,·GVHWIRUP\VHOI ZDVÀQGLQJWKH
Stonewall bar. I remembered the impact when weheard about the battle with the cops in 1969. I wanted
to ask a passerby to take my picture in front of it. I
WKRXJKWVRPHGD\DIWHU,·GGLHGVRPHRQHPLJKWÀQGthe photo and understand me a little better.
“Do you know where the Stonewall bar is?” I
264

Leslie Feinberg

asked two gay men who were leaning up against alamppost in Sheridan Square.
“That used to be the bar.” One of the men
pointed to a bagel shop.
I sat down wearily on a park bench. A homelessman picked through the garbage can nearby. I’d seen
him before. His bright African print fabric skirt
brushed the sidewalk. Gauzy material wrapped his
upper body, slung across one shoulder like an East
Indian sari. He glided with grace and dignity. For amoment he looked up to argue with someone only hecould see. The guttural words he spoke were strangely
beautiful. No one else on this planet understood
KLVODQJXDJH+LVKDQGVÁXWWHUHGQHDUKLVIDFHDVKH
talked, like dark birds winging on warm currents ofair.
I closed my eyes. The sun was hot and high.
I tried to recall what my life had been like back in
Buffalo. My past already felt like a dream that recededin the moment of waking. Life in New York City shot
past me every day, hurtling by like clattering subway
cars. I couldn’t remember a time when the world was
slower and I was part of it.
Screeching tires woke me from my reverie.
A woman’s scream raised goose bumps on myarms. I raced to the corner. “Call an ambulance,”

she shouted. “Hurry! For god’s sake, hurry!” Theambulance needn’t have rushed.
I knelt down beside his lifeless body. His hands
ZHUHÀQDOO\VWLOO,ZLSHGWKHWULFNOHRI EORRGUXQQLQJ
from his lip with my thumb. A gurgling sound camefrom his mouth and blood bubbled over his lips anddown his cheek. A pool of blood spread under hishead.
A nightstick poked me in the shoulder. “On the
sidewalk, buddy,” the cop nudged me. His squad car
was parked in the middle of 7th Avenue.
The man from the newsstand came over to lookat the body. “What’s he wearing, a skirt?” he asked thecop.
“Beats me,” the cop shrugged.
The woman sobbed. “They hit him on purpose,RIÀFHU7KHUHZHUHIRXURI WKHPWZRPHQDQGWZR
women. The light was red. They stepped on the gas
and ran him over. They were laughing.” The words
tumbled out, punctuated with sobs.
She dropped to her knees and keened. “Oh mygod,” she sobbed, louder and louder. “Oh my god!”
An older man put down his briefcase and moved
toward her. “Are you alright?” he asked.
“Oh god!” her voice rose.
“Lady, are you hurt?” He sounded panicky. “Areyou OK?”

She shook her head and rocked back and forth
on her knees. “Oh god,” she repeated, “they werelaughing.”
He patted her on the shoulder. “Calm down,lady,” he soothed her. “It was only a bum.”ŶŶŶ

It was one of those muggy New York City summernights when the temperature sticks at one hundred
damn degrees. I stripped down to light sweatpants
and a tenement T-shirt and headed for the gym.
I didn’t usually go to the gym in the evening. I
hated the after-work crowd lined up for weights. But
I guessed right that night. The city’s population wilted
in the intense heat and headed for the coolest spots intown. The gym was practically all mine. I worked mybody till it felt like coiled steel, and groaned when the
trainer announced it was past 11:00 P.M. closing time.
,ERXQGHGKRPHOLNHDSDQWKHUIHHOLQJÀQHDV
could be. As I turned from Avenue A onto 4th Street I
could see red lights revolving, illuminating the buildings,
the crowd. The whole neighborhood looked up in thesame direction, riveted. I walked a little slower. The
street was slick and glistening. There had been no rain
for weeks. I walked slower still.
Stone Butch Blues

265

,KHDUGWKHÀUHEHIRUH,VDZLW7KHKHOOÀUHroared from the windows of my building straight up
into the sky. Sparks shot up like volcanic eruption
DQGÁRDWHGGRZQRQQHDUE\URRIV0\\HOORZFDOLFR
curtains blew between broken shards of glass as
though a storm was raging inside my apartment. A
VPDOOVSRWRI ÁDPHDSSHDUHGRQHDFKFXUWDLQDQG
they dissolved in a poof, the way cotton candy melted
on my tongue.
The wedding band Theresa had given me! In an
LUUDWLRQDOPRPHQW,WKRXJKWPD\EH,FRXOGÀQGWKH
cooled pool of metal on the mantle and get it recast. I
imagined the pop of Milli’s ceramic kitten. I pictured
the water in the amber glass on the kitchen windowsill
boiling furiously in the furnace of heat. I saw a smallÁDPHOLFNLQJWKHVWHPRI HDFKQDUFLVVXVLQWKHJODVV
until they curled in on themselves and explodedin brighter yellows and oranges than ever before. I
envisioned Edwin’s slim volume of W.E.B. Du Boisburning down to the single page she had marked.
Why couldn’t the landlord have just told us he
was going to have the building torched? Everyone
knew he was having trouble selling it. Most of theother buildings in the area had been burned during
WKHGHFDGHRI JHQWULÀFDWLRQ:K\FRXOGQ·WKHKDYH
slipped a note under each of our kitchen doors this266

Leslie Feinberg

morning warning us to take the things we loved most
ZLWKXV"+HVXUHQRWLÀHGXVSURPSWO\EHIRUHHDFK
rent increase.
My wallet! I left it home when I went to the gym.
The rest of my paycheck was in it. More important,the only picture I had of Theresa was inside thatbillfold. I’d lost everything. Everything except Rocco’s
leather jacket. I’d brought it to the cleaners to get a]LSSHUÀ[HG“Abuela! Abuela!” A woman broke free from thearms of loved ones and pushed her way through thecrowd toward the burning building. Friends restrained
her. She fought to break free.
“What’s she saying?” I asked the super.
+HOLIWHGKLVH\HVWRWKHWRSÁRRU´+HU
grandmother.”I shivered. Did he mean the old woman who
could never leave her house because she lived on the
VL[WKÁRRU"2FFDVLRQDOO\VKHDVNHGPHLQ6SDQLVKWR
bring her bread, coffee, milk, or sugar—showed me
the wrappers when I didn’t understand.
“Mrs. Rodriguez?” I asked incredulously. The
super nodded. The young woman stopped screamingwhen she heard me say her grandmother’s name. Oureyes and our lives connected in one timeless moment.
She began to sob uncontrollably. Friends led her away.

,WXUQHGDQGORRNHGDWWKHZDYHVRI ÁDPHVZHHSLQJHDFKÁRRUDQG,ZRQGHUHGWhere do my tears
go? Why is it that I can’t cry now when I need to? Yet I knewthat later my tears would be unexpectedly triggered by
the scent of lilacs, or the low hum of a cello.
Eventually the black sky lightened over the East
River. I sat on the curb, my back to the smoldering
EXLOGLQJ$ÀQHPLVWIHOORQPHIURPWKHWLQ\SXQFWXUHVLQWKHÀUHKRVHVVWLOOSXPSLQJZDWHULQWR
our homes. I sat very still, not knowing where to gofrom this spot.
ŶŶŶI was starting all over. I sat on a bench in Washington
Square Park and inventoried my possessions: a pair ofsweatpants, a T-shirt, and twenty dollars in my pocket.
All my money had been hidden in the apartment.
Back to double shifts. Back to sleeping in the 42ndStreet movie theaters on weekends. I had no energy; I
had no choice.
My mind couldn’t fully accept the loss. I boughta hot dog and soda pop for one dollar and walked
around the park, hungry for diversion. I was drawn
toward a large crowd watching a young man in a top
KDWDQGWDLOVMXJJOLQJÀHU\WRUFKHV7KLVZDVWKHVLOO\
part of the life of this city that I grudgingly loved, nomatter how excruciatingly hard it was to survive here.
“Who would ever want to be a juggler?” thewoman next to me asked her companion. “I mean,what’s the point?” They both shook their heads andwalked away.
The joy I’d felt watching the juggler drained
from my face. At the moment she’d spoken, I was
thinking how wonderful it would be to learn a skill
that could be practiced alone, simply for the pleasureof self-amazement.
The man standing near my right elbow looked
me in the eyes and cocked his head. His gaze mademe uncomfortable. I wanted to turn away from him.
It was as though he could see the play of emotions I
was feeling. But somehow he drew me to look at him
more closely. I saw a gentle man whose own feelings
rippled across his face. It was as though we werecarrying on an emotional dialogue without words.
He raised his eyebrows in question. I shrugged.
“Cynics.” I smiled.
He shook his head and executed gracefulmotions with his hands—Deaf. He saw on my facethat I understood. I smiled. He smiled. Then I wasstuck. I looked at my hands, inarticulate at my sides.
Once again I was bereft of words, left longing forlanguage that could speak from heart to heart.
Stone Butch Blues267

I turned up my palms and shrugged helplessly.
+HKHOGXSRQHLQGH[ÀQJHU2QH"1R:DLWKH
indicated.
He examined the ground. He pointed tosomething behind a tree and nodded with a smile.
Then he picked up an imaginary thing with threeÀQJHUV:KDWZDVLW",WZDVURXQG,FRXOGWHOOE\
the way he lifted it with both hands to his face. Still
KROGLQJLWZLWKWKUHHÀQJHUVKHGUHZLWEDFNDV
though he was—bowling! A bowling ball.
I nodded emphatically. He found a second
bowling ball on a branch over my head. This one heplaced carefully on his right foot. He searched withhis eyes for a third and found it. With a bowling ballin his right hand and another balanced on his foot, heslowly bent down to lift a third ball with his free hand.
He wobbled. Could he keep the ball from falling off
his foot? He did it!
I held my breath as he began to juggle. I could
see the heavy weight of the bowling balls, thestrength required to send each one higher. His skill
increased: the balls passed under one leg, behind hisback, and over his shoulder. All three balls were senthigh into the air … they didn’t come back down. He
paused and looked up at the sky, scratching his headin bewilderment. Suddenly he lurched forward and268

Leslie Feinberg

caught one in his left hand, then staggered to the rightand caught another. The third one landed on his toe,sending him hopping behind a tree in mock agony.
He peeked out from behind the tree and winked.
It felt like such a relief to laugh—not in spite of
my grief, but because of it. We laughed together. It
was deep, belly laughter. The kind that brings you totears. The kind that releases emotions thick as mud.
Two men approached him from either side. He
smiled at them and their arms turned in windmills of
exchange. He indicated my presence. We all shookhands.
Before he turned to go, he reached forward very
slowly with his hand and touched a tear on my cheek.
He touched his own eye with my tear. And then hewalked away.

22
I FELT LIKE THE FIRE left me no choice. How
could I give up? Surrender was unimaginably moredangerous than struggling for survival.
The typesetting industry didn’t pick up till earlyfall, but I found work catch as catch can.
By September I signed a lease on a tenement
apartment just above Canal Street. It was a pretty big
RQHEHGURRPUDLOURDGÁDWEXWLWZDVÀOWK\,GLGQ·W
KDYHWKHHQHUJ\WRFOHDQLWZKHQ,PRYHGLQ,ÀJXUHGI’d do it a little at a time. I bought an air mattress, ablanket, and a pillow. That’s what I really needed in
the apartment. It was a safe place to sleep, that’s all.
0\ÀUVWQLJKWWKHUH,FUDZOHGRXWRQWRWKHÀUH
escape. I could see a few green trees lining a tiny
strip of something people in this city call a park.
7KHWUDIÀFEDFNHGXSIRUWKHEULGJHWR%URRNO\Q
had thinned. The music of mariachi and Mandarin

PHOGHGLQWKHQLJKW7KUHHOLWWOHJLUOVVDWRQDÀUH
escape across the street, combing each other’s hair asthey sang pop tunes from Hong Kong. A man anda woman fought bitterly in an apartment below me.
I tensed at the sound of a crash. It was followed byan even more ominous silence. From the open livingroom window of my next-door neighbor’s apartment
I could hear the steady hum of a sewing machine.
The faint glow of the city softened the darknessof night. If there were still stars in the sky, they
weren’t within my sight.
ŶŶŶ

I saw my next-door neighbor a month later. As I
unlocked my apartment, she opened hers. I said hello
before I even looked up. She didn’t answer.

Her face startled me. It was badly bruised on one
side like a rainbow—yellow, red, blue. Her hair was
outrageously crimson. I could tell that womanhood
had not come easily to her. It wasn’t just her large
Adam’s apple or her broad, big-boned hands. It was
the way she dropped her eyes and rushed away when
I spoke to her.
Every day I saw others like me in this city—
enough of us to populate our own town. But weonly acknowledged each other with a furtive glance,
fearful of calling attention to ourselves. Being alone in
SXEOLFZDVSDLQIXOHQRXJKWZRFRXOGÀQGWKHPVHOYHV
smack in the center of an unbearable sideshow. We
didn’t seem to have any of our own places to gather
in community, to immerse ourselves in our own ways
and our own languages.
But now I had a neighbor who was different
like me. As weeks passed I became intrigued by
the sounds and smells coming from her apartment.
She sewed endlessly. She loved Miles Davis. And
whenever she opened her oven, the hall outside her
GRRUÀOOHGZLWKWKHPRVWWDQWDOL]LQJDURPDVOne Saturday afternoon I found her clutching
two huge bags of groceries and fumbling with thedownstairs front-door lock. I pulled out my key.
“Here, let me.” She didn’t say thank you. She hurried
270

Leslie Feinberg

ahead of me on the stairs. “Can I help you carrythose?” I offered.
“Do I look weak to you?” she asked.
I stopped on the stairs. “No. Where I come fromit’s just a sign of respect, that’s all.”
She continued up the stairs. “Well, where I comefrom,” she called out, “men don’t reward womenfor pretending to be helpless.” Once I heard herapartment door close I kicked the stair in anger andfrustration.
All day long I sat in my apartment rehearsing
how I would introduce myself to her. I stood outside
her door and listened to the Motown music blaring
RQKHUVWHUHREHIRUH,ÀQDOO\JRWXSWKHFRXUDJH
to knock. Someone turned the music down as she
cracked open the door. I lifted my hand to silence her
before she could speak. “I’m sorry to bother you,”
I said, “but I didn’t make a very good impression
before. I know you think I’m a man, but I’m not. I’ma woman.”She sighed and unhooked the chain. “Listen,”she opened her door a little wider, “I don’t need agender identity crisis on my doorstep. This is myhome and I’m with friends. Please understand, I really
don’t want to be bothered.”I heard a drag queen’s voice from inside her

apartment. “Who’s that, Ruth? Ooh, he’s cute! Let
him in.”“Tanya, please.” Ruth silenced the drag queenwith a glare. I could see someone else peering at mefrom the living room.
Ruth was visibly annoyed at the curious way her
friends and I were checking each other out. “I’m nottrying to be rude, “she told me, “but let me makemyself clear: This is my home. I do not want to beannoyed.”I rested my hand on her doorframe. “But I needto talk to you.” She glared at my hand. I removed it.
“But I don’t need to talk to you. Excuse me.”She closed her door.
I had no choice but to give Ruth the wide berth
she demanded.
ŶŶŶ,VKLYHUHGLQDEODQNHWRQP\ÀUHHVFDSHXQZLOOLQJ
to let go of the day. The temperature had risen to
VHYHQW\ÀYHGHJUHHVXQXVXDOLQODWH2FWREHU7KH
chilly evening breeze still smelled fresh by Manhattan
standards.
Ruth poked her head out of her living room
window. “Oh,” she sounded startled. “I didn’t know
you were out here. I’m going to close my window

because it’s cold.” I sighed and looked up at the sky.
She spoke more softly. “It’s a beautiful night,
isn’t it?” The shades of gender in her voice were
intricate, like mine.
I smiled. “That’s a harvest moon up there
tonight.”
Ruth laughed. “What’s a city slicker like you
know about harvests?”
Her words and tone angered me. I was sick ofbeing everybody’s “other.” But part of me still needed
Ruth’s friendship so damn much. So I took a moment
before I answered and spoke without anger.
´,NQRZKRZLWIHHOVWRVWDQGLQDÀHOGLQWKH
pitch dark under a billion stars, with no sound except
the music of crickets and cicadas.” Ruth nodded
as she stared at the moon. I leaned my head backagainst the brick. “And I know how a white-cappedriver looks when it’s racing toward the falls—how it’stranslucent and green at the place where it bends overthe edge, like bottle glass when it washes up in thesurf.”
I smiled at Ruth. “And I know your hair is as red
as wild sumac in early autumn.”
Ruth looked at me wide-eyed. “What a lovely
thing to say. You’re from upstate. I can tell by youraccent. Me, too.”
Stone Butch Blues271

I nodded. “I know.”
Ruth’s whole demeanor toward me changed. She
seemed ready to open her door partway for me. That’s
when I discovered I was still hurt and angry at her
earlier rejections. Before she could say another word
I told her “Good night” and climbed back inside myliving room.
I leaned my head against the windowsill andwatched the moon continue to rise over Manhattan.
I never would have known Ruth was doing the samething only a few feet away from me if I hadn’t heard
the scratch of a match and smelled the smoke fromher cigarette.
I didn’t see her again for a couple of months. I
think she went away for a few weeks over the holidays
because I didn’t hear music or sewing, and the hallway
went back to smelling like a urinal.
I got tired of sleeping on an air mattress andI bought a bed from the Salvation Army. I also got
a used record and tape player that was so beat-up I
wouldn’t care if someone stole it.
One Saturday afternoon, after weeks of working
overtime I woke up late. My apartment looked so
ÀOWK\LWGLVJXVWHGPH7KHGD\OLJKWKDGWKLQQHGWR
grey by the time I bundled up to go out for cleaning
supplies.
272

Leslie Feinberg

Ruth and I opened our doors at the same
moment and looked away in embarrassment. I heldback to let her go ahead of me. From the landing she
called up to me, “I hope this doesn’t sound rude, butwhat was the music you were playing yesterday? Do
you remember?”“Why?” I called down to her. “Is this an indirect
way of saying it was too loud?”
There was a long silence. “No,” she said. “I liked
it, that’s all. Do you mind me asking?”“If it sounded African it was King Sunny Ade.”“Thank you,” she said curtly. I heard the front
door shut.
Now I knew that she listened to my music just as
I listened to hers. So I began to play tapes for both ofus, wondering as I did which ones she enjoyed most. I
imagined our lives connected in spite of the thin walls
and closed doors physically separating us. That’s when
I realized just how lonely I was.
On the morning of the spring equinox, I wearily
climbed my stairs at dawn, eager for a hot shower
and a long sleep. The pungent aroma of simmeringrhubarb pulled me up the steps two at a time. The
irresistible smell was coming from Ruth’s kitchen. I
was a child the last time I’d smelled rhubarb cooking.
,UHVWHGP\KHDGDJDLQVWKHUGRRU0\PRXWKÀOOHG

with saliva and my glands ached from the aroma.
-XVWDV,JRWP\NH\V5XWKRSHQHGKHUGRRU
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not skulking—honestly. It’s
just been a long time since I smelled rhubarb cooking.
It takes me back.”
Ruth nodded. “I’m making pies. Would you likesome coffee?”,KHVLWDWHG:HERWKIDFHGHDFKRWKHUVWLIÁ\But I was so weary of our caution and defensiveness.
“Thank you,” I smiled. “Oh,” I groaned as I walked
into her kitchen. “It smells so good.”
Ruth smiled. “Well, I wish I could send you
home with a small pie, but these are for friends in thehospital.”
I nodded. “When I was a kid I used to eat it
plain in a bowl with brown sugar.”
Ruth stirred the pot. “I’m sure there’s enoughfor that.” She stopped puttering and buried her hands
LQWKHSRFNHWVRI KHUROGIDVKLRQHGÁRUDODSURQ
I pointed to one of the small watercolor
paintings on her kitchen wall. “I recognize the Queen$QQH·V/DFHEXWZKDWDUHWKHVHSXUSOHÁRZHUV"µ“Asters,” she said. “And that’s goldenrod.”,GLGQ·WXVXDOO\OLNHSLFWXUHVRI ÁRZHUVEXWWKHVH
UHPLQGHGPHRI WKHZD\ÁRZHUVORRNHGWKHÀUVWWLPH
I saw them. “These are really nice,” I said.

“Thank you.”“Did you paint them?” I asked. She nodded.
“This is beautiful.” I pointed to a framed
handkerchief, embroidered with colorful pansies. “Ialways loved pansies, but they embarrassed me, too,because that’s what kids used to call me when I was alittle girl.”
Ruth looked me in the eye and then went backto stirring the pot. “It’s almost ready,” she said. “Sitdown. Would you like decaf so you can still sleep?
You work nights, don’t you?”
I smiled and nodded. She had directed at least
a little attention toward her neighbor, just as I had.
“Some regular coffee would be great. I’m trying tostay up and clean on the weekends, but all I get is one
layer deeper into the crud.” Ruth’s immaculate homeinspired me.
“Where are you from?” she asked me.
“Buffalo.”
She smiled. “We are neighbors. You know where
Canandaigua Lake is?” I nodded. It was about twohours outside of Buffalo. “I’m from Vine Valley.”
I frowned. “I never heard of Vine Valley. Is it
farm country?”
Ruth nodded. “Oh, yes—vineyards.” As she
poured the coffee I could smell cinnamon in it.
Stone Butch Blues273

“I miss Buffalo,” I sighed. “Well, at least I missthe way it used to be. It was such a blue-collar town
when I grew up. I never could have imagined that theplants would close and the people from the suburbs
would move in and buy our houses dirt-cheap.”
Ruth nodded and stirred her coffee. “I know.
I saw life in the country change, too. When the big
ZLQHULHVWRRNRYHUWKHÁDWODQGLWJRWKDUGHUWRNHHSthe little family vineyards on the hills alive. The call of
the cities lured people to work and shop.”I smiled. “I always thought country life didn’tchange much.”
Ruth laughed gently. “That’s the view from thecity.”“I know how it felt to grow up in Buffalo. But
it must have been hard growing up in such a small
place.” I wondered if what I’d said sounded too
personal.
Ruth sighed and leaned back in her chair. “I
don’t know if it was hard. I just know it wasn’t easy.
I’d be surprised if the population of the whole valley
is more than two hundred. But in a way, I think that’s
why I survived. We didn’t have outside help for thevineyards—we all had to rely on each other. So thoseold bonds of cooperation weren’t completely broken.
I had a place there. But if I hadn’t left I would never
274

Leslie Feinberg

have discovered Miles Davis, and my hair mightalways have been brown as dirt.”
Ruth got up and spooned soft rhubarb into adish, then crumbled brown sugar over it. I slipped aspoonful into my mouth and sighed. “I had forgotten
about taste.”She frowned. “What do you mean?”“Oh, I eat just because I’m hungry. Fast food,take-out. I don’t really taste it. But this tastes so goodit makes me want to cry.”Ruth nodded without smiling. “I cook for myown pleasure. I enjoy the preparing as much as theeating.”I shrugged. “I’m not really set up to cook.”
She leaned forward. “This is very personal.
You don’t have to answer, but why don’t you havecurtains?”“Well, my apartment is just where I sleep.”
Ruth shook her head. “That’s strange to me. I
really live here.”“It’s different working nights.” I made excuses.
“I just crash when I get home. Besides, I lost
HYHU\WKLQJLQDÀUHODVWVXPPHU,KDGUHDOO\FDUHG
DERXWÀ[LQJWKDWSODFHXSDQGPDNLQJDKRPHRXWRI 
it. Now I don’t want to care.”
Ruth pursed her lips. “You mean if you don’thave anything you care about, then you won’t haveanything to lose?”
I nodded. “Yeah, something like that.”
Ruth looked at me wistfully. “Then I guesseverything’s already been taken from you. You’ve
nothing left to lose, have you?”,GLGQ·WNQRZZK\VKHKDGÀQDOO\GHFLGHG
to invite me in, but suddenly I felt stripped andvulnerable. So I took a last swig of coffee, and the last
tart mouthful of rhubarb, and stood up to go. “Thankyou,” I told her. “That was a treat.”
Ruth saw me to the door. “I go to the farmer’s
market at Union Square today. Can I get you
anything?”
I unlocked my front door and shook my head.
“No, but thank you.” Once inside, I threw open thewindows and began a serious cleaning frenzy.
Hours later I scrubbed the gunk under mysink while my music blasted. The knock at the door
startled me, and I hit my skull on the pipes. I rubbed
my head angrily as I opened the door. Ruth extended
an armful of orange gladiolas. “I thought you might
like these. I heard you cleaning and I hoped theywould brighten up the place after all that hard work.”
I opened the front door a little further. “Thanks.
I don’t think I have anything to put these in.”

Ruth returned a moment later with a cut-glassvase. She couldn’t conceal her horror at my barren
apartment. I shifted my weight uncomfortably. “Ihaven’t had time to shop for furniture or anything.”,SXWWKHÁRZHUVLQZDWHUDQGVHWWKHPLQWKH
middle of the empty living room. “They’re really
SUHWW\5XWK,·YHEURXJKWZRPHQÁRZHUVEXWQRZRPDQHYHUJDYHPHÁRZHUVEHIRUH,W·VDEHDXWLIXO
thing to do.”
5XWKEOXVKHG´3HRSOHQHHGÁRZHUVµ6KHWXUQHG
to go and stopped. “You know, I don’t even know
your name.”´-HVVµ6KHVPLOHG´,KDGDQXQFOHQDPHG-HVVH,VLWVKRUWIRU-HVVH"µ,VKRRNP\KHDG´-XVW-HVVµ´,·OOOHDYH\RXWR\RXUFOHDQLQJ-HVVµ,QRGGHG´7KDQNVIRUWKHÁRZHUVµWhen she left I went back to scrubbing. HoursODWHU,VDWGRZQZHDULO\RQWKHOLYLQJURRPÁRRUQH[WWRWKHÁRZHUV0D\EH5XWKKDGEHHQULJKWEHLQJ
afraid to lose anything I cared about meant I’d alreadylost it all. I heard another knock on my door, thesecond time in one day. It was Ruth. She extended abundle of unbleached muslin.
“These are the curtains I used to have in my
Stone Butch Blues

275

living room. My windows are the same size as yours
so I thought I’d offer them. It’s up to you.”
I stood and looked at Ruth and at the gift in her
large hands, and I said yes to both.
A week later I brought Ruth’s vase back to her,ÀOOHGZLWKLULVHV+HUVPLOHZDVP\UHZDUG´'R\RX
have a vase?” she asked me. I shook my head. “Comein. Here, do you like this?” She handed me a cobalt
blue glass vase.
I sighed. “Oh! The color is so intense it pulls me
in. I can almost taste the color.”
5XWKUHVWHGKHUÀQJHUWLSVRQP\FKHHN´<RX·UHKXQJU\-HVV<RXUVHQVHVDUHVWDUYHGµ,VWDUHGLQWR
the depth of the deep blue. “If I made you dinnertonight, what would you eat? Fish?”,ODXJKHG´,VÀVKIRRG"µRuth shook her head. “Oh no, you’re not a meatand potatoes kind of guy, are you?”
I dropped my eyes. “I’m not a guy, Ruth.”
She nodded. “Well, then it has a little twist when
I say that, doesn’t it? Alright, I’ll make you red meat.
But I warn you, I’m going to expand your appetite.”
What a wonderful offer! But why was she being
nice to me now?
I shopped that afternoon for new chinos anda dress shirt. I stopped at the farmer’s market and276

Leslie Feinbergbought Queen Anne’s Lace jelly, just because I
loved the way it sounded. I found fat blueberries at
Balducci’s and a Miles Davis tape at Tower Records
that I was sure she didn’t have.
Ruth laughed with pleasure at the small showerof gifts. “These blueberries are going to be ourdessert. And I think I’ll use a spoonful of this jelly forour tea. But how did you know I wanted this concert
tape?”
I smiled shyly. “I’m your neighbor.”
Ruth laughed. “That you are. Sit down.”
Her kitchen was layered with smells. Ruth set ahuge salad in front of me. There were yellow-andorange blossoms in the bowl along with greens I’d
QHYHUVHHQEHIRUH0\H\HVÀOOHGZLWKWHDUV´5XWKWKHUH·VÁRZHUVLQP\VDODGµRuth smiled. “Those are nasturtiums. They’re
beautiful, aren’t they?”“Can I eat them?” She nodded. I shook myhead. “I hate to eat this. It’s like a work of art.”
Ruth sat down next to me. “That’s part of how
starved you’ve been. I think you’re afraid this is thelast beautiful thing that’s going to happen to you, andyou want to hold onto it.”“How did you know that?”
Ruth smiled. “I’m your neighbor. It’s a wonderful

VDODG-HVV,PDGHLWMXVWIRU\RXWRHQMR\%XWWKHQH[W
one will be luscious, too.”
I blushed and put down my fork. “You know
when your leg falls asleep how it hurts when thecirculation starts again? I’m not sure I want to hope. I
don’t want to get disappointed again.”
Ruth patted my arm. “We both already know allabout disappointment. Let’s not anticipate it.” She got
up and put on the music I’d brought her.
As I ate the salad, tears ran down my cheeks
for no apparent reason. Ruth smiled. “It’s balsamic
vinegar. Isn’t it wonderful?”
How could I explain why the tastes ofnasturtium and balsamic vinegar on my tongue mademe cry? “I’m sorry,” I wiped my eyes. “This is just
why you didn’t want to let me in, isn’t it? Why are you
being so nice to me now?”
Ruth put down her fork and covered my handwith hers. “I’m sorry I was so cold. I misunderstoodyou. I thought you were frightened and confused and
I was afraid you’d sap my strength. After you backed
RII ,UHDOL]HG,FRXOGQ·WÀJXUH\RXRXW³WKDW·VDYHU\attractive quality in my book. You seemed to be much
VWURQJHUDQGFDOPHUWKDQ,·GÀUVWJLYHQ\RXFUHGLWIRUSo I changed my mind.” Ruth smiled, “It’s a woman’s
prerogative.”´:KDWÀQDOO\PDGH\RXGHFLGHWROHWPHLQ"µ
Ruth squeezed my hand. “The color of my hairis my declaration to the world that I’m not hiding.
It’s a hard color to stand behind, but I do it tocelebrate my life and my decisions. Most people areembarrassed by the color of my hair. It took a very
special person to compare it to the color of sumac.”
I laughed and picked at my salad. “Do you know
if I’m a man or a woman?”“No,” Ruth said. “That’s why I know so muchabout you.”
I sighed. “Did you think I was a man when youÀUVWPHWPH"µ6KHQRGGHG´<HV$WÀUVW,WKRXJKW\RXZHUHD
straight man. Then I thought you were gay. It’s been ashock for me to realize that even I make assumptions
about sex and gender that aren’t true. I thought I was
liberated from all of that.”
I smiled. “I didn’t want you to think I was a man.
I wanted you to see how much more complicated I
am. I wanted you to like what you saw.”
5XWKEUXVKHGP\FKHHNZLWKKHUÀQJHUWLSV,
shivered. “Well, I didn’t understand right away, but
I thought you were awfully cute and handsome andinteresting-looking.” Even Ruth’s words were gifts.
I dropped my eyes so she couldn’t see myStone Butch Blues277

hunger for her attention. “Oh, Ruth. I wish we had
our own words to describe ourselves, to connect us.”
Ruth stood up and opened the broiler. “I don’t
need another label,” she sighed. “I just am what I
am. I call myself Ruth. My mother is Ruth Anne;
my grandmother was Anne. That’s who I am. That’s
where I come from.”
I shrugged. “I don’t want another label either. I
just wish we had words so pretty we’d go out of ourway to say them out loud.”As Ruth set the plate down I stared at the steak.
“What are these little sprigs of things on top?” I
asked.
“Sage.” She spooned tiny carrots and miniaturesquash onto my plate. She opened the oven door andserved me steaming bread and sweet butter. Every bit
tasted like music in my mouth.
“Now we’ll have the wonderful dessert you
EURXJKWµ5XWKVDLG6KHÀOOHGWZRHDUWKHQERZOVwith blueberries, drizzled them with heavy cream, andsprinkled them with sugar.
I blinked away tears and squeezed her arm.
“Ruth …” The words got stuck in my throat.
She covered my hand with hers. “I know
DOODERXWKXQJHU-HVVµ6KHOLIWHGKHUPXJ´7R
friendship?”
278

Leslie Feinberg

I clinked my mug against hers. “Yes,” I
answered, “to our friendship.”ŶŶŶ,VKRSSHGIRUXVHGIXUQLWXUHWKHÀUVWVLJQRI P\RZQ
spring thaw. Ruth seemed more excited than I did
as the steady stream of deliveries arrived. Gradually
my rooms began to assume shapes. Ruth hung her
framed handkerchief embroidered with pansies on
my kitchen wall and gave me the tie quilt she’d madewith her grandmother for my bed.
But I really knew Ruth and I were becoming
close when she admitted how much she wanted help
repainting her apartment. It was an absolute pleasure
to see the joy on her face as I covered her walls withfresh colors. She excitedly cut shelf paper while thecupboards were still tacky with white enamel.
I enjoyed the complex layers of life in the cityand longed to explore those nooks and crannies
with Ruth. But we never left our apartment building
together because of what she called her geometrictheory: two people like us in public are more thandouble the trouble.
Instead we brought each other little gifts fromour daily travels. I gave her Villa Lobos, she gave me

.HLWK-DUUHWW,EURXJKWKHUIRUV\WKLDVKHEURXJKWPH
impatiens. And after a while we exchanged our tears
and our frustrations, as well.
“Why, Ruth?” I stormed around her kitchen.
“Why do heads turn when we walk down the street?
Why are we so hated?”
Ruth stopped scrubbing the inside walls of her
stove. “Oh, honey. We’ve been taught to hate people
who are different. It’s been pumped into our brains. It
NHHSVHYHU\ERG\ÀJKWLQJHDFKRWKHUµ
I slumped in a chair. “I used to want to change
the world. Now I just want to survive it.”
Ruth laughed. Her rubber gloves snapped as she
pulled them off. “Well, don’t give up just yet, honey.
Sometimes things don’t change for a long time andthen they catch up so fast it makes your head spin.”
I sighed. “When I was growing up, I believed
I was gonna do something really important with mylife, like explore the universe or cure diseases. I neverWKRXJKW,·GVSHQGVRPXFKRI P\OLIHÀJKWLQJRYHU
which bathroom I could use.”
Ruth nodded. “I’ve seen people risk their lives
for the right to sit at a lunch counter. If you and I
DUHQ·WJRLQJWRÀJKWIRUWKHULJKWWROLYHWKHQWKHNLGV
coming up will have to do it.”
I leaned my head back against the back of the

kitchen chair and laughed. “You are my pleasure,
Ruth. You’re the last ice-cold Coca-Cola in the
GHVHUWµ,ÁDVKHGKHUDVPLOHWKDWFOHDUO\FKDUPHGKHU
I had forgotten I could do that.
7KDWHYHQLQJZHFUDZOHGRXWRQWRWKHÀUHHVFDSH
and sat close to each other as the afternoon shiftedto evening. I’d never held a body larger than mine
before. The street below us was blocked off for a
festival—tiny lanterns strung up between booths offood, couples dancing in the intersections to a live
mariachi band.
“Ruth, if we lived in a world where we could beanything we wanted to be, what would you do withyour life?”
Ruth smiled wistfully. “Oh, I’d still sew. I’d dress
people in their dreams so they could walk proudly
down the street. And I’d cook for all the people who
had ever been hungry. I wouldn’t be afraid to leave myhouse. Oh, I’d love to explore this world. What about\RX-HVV"µI leaned my head back against the brick. “I
think I’d be a gardener in a woods just for children,
and when they came by I’d sit and listen to theirwonderings. And the ocean would be nearby. I’d live
in a little house on the shore. At dawn I’d strip off all
my clothes and swim. At night I’d sing a song about
Stone Butch Blues279

the way life used to be. It would be such a sad song it
would make the grownups nod and the children cry.
But I’d sing it every night so that no one would ever
confuse nostalgia with wanting to return.”
5XWKEHJDQWRFU\´2K-HVV(YHQLQ\RXU
dreams I can hear how much you hurt.” I kissed her
YHU\UHGKDLU´-HVV,KDGJURZQVRFRPIRUWDEOHZLWKbeing alone, I forgot how lonely I am underneath. I
have friends I love, like Tanya and Esperanza and theshowgirls I sew for. But I feel so close to you … I
can’t explain it.”I rocked her gently. “Ruth, if your life was set tomusic, what kind of instrument would be playing?”
She snuggled against me. “A sopranosaxophone.”
I smiled. “Because it’s so sad?”She shook her head. “No, because it’s so
evocative. What kind of instrument would play yourPXVLF-HVV"µI sighed. “I think a cello.”
Ruth held me tight. “Because it’s so sad?”I shook my head and looked out over the city.
“No, because it’s so complicated.”

280

Leslie Feinberg

23
I CLUTCHED THE QUARTS OF elderberries
against my leather jacket and grinned, knowing how
excited Ruth would be that I’d found them in thewintertime. They’d taste like home to her, like her
life’s seasons. I could already smell hot elderberrypie. I leaned forward on the subway track and looked
down as far as I could see. I was anxious to get home.
The sun would be up within hours. Ruth’s sewing
machine would be humming. Wait till she saw theelderberries. Her smile would be my dawn.
I heard the three teenage boys before I saw
them. They shouted in boisterous camaraderie as
they jumped the turnstile. White boys pumped up on
FKHPLFDOV7KHLUÀUVWWDUJHWZDVDQROGPDQDVOHHS
on a bench. They rousted him, kicked him, passed
him from one set of brutal hands to another. Theylaughed as he pushed through the turnstile and ran.

That’s when I made a mistake. I moved further
back into the station, away from them. In doing so,
I moved further from the exit or any possibility ofhelp. Some mistakes in life are not punishable, others
teach you a lesson you never forget.
When I heard their footsteps growing closer,
I knew better than to hide behind the pillar. It’s far
worse to be caught cowering. I reached inside thebag and pulled out a small handful of elderberries.
Their tart taste heightened my senses. They stained
my hands with the color of battles won and lost. I set
the rest of the berries down on the platform, wishing
Ruth could have known I had found her elderberries
in the winter in this paved city. I wanted more timewith Ruth. I wished I had thanked her for breathing alittle life back into me.
,SRVLWLRQHGP\KRXVHNH\VEHWZHHQP\ÀQJHUVVRWKDWP\ÀVWEULVWOHGZLWKFRSSHU\VSLNHV,ZDVtrapped between the end of the station and the three
faces getting closer. They are the hunters; I am theprey. For just a moment, before it began, I cursed
Ruth for making me hope again. Then I let go of
everything except the moment confronting me.
The leader of the pack emerged. He reached
for my face. “What have we here?” he asked, almost
gently. I blocked his hand with my own. He smiled.
1RZLWKDGEHJXQ0\VSLNHGÀVWZDVRXWRI WKHLU
sight. I didn’t reveal my readiness. His buddies leered
and sneered. But his smile was harder to stand up to.
It reminded me of a cop’s smirk, meant to force me
to admit powerlessness.
“What the fuck are you?” he asked quietly. “I
FDQ·WWHOOZKDW\RXDUH0D\EHZHVKRXOGMXVWÀQGRXWhuh, guys?” His taunts and threats rolled off me, notbecause I was impervious to them, but because I wasÀOOHGWRRYHUÁRZLQJ
I tried not to listen. It didn’t matter what hesaid. It didn’t matter what I answered. All that was
important was the action, the positioning of theirbodies and mine, the juxtaposition of matter andspace, open throats and unguarded kneecaps. At the
instant the action exploded I would have a moment
to strike, to change the relationship of forces. Whenone of their punches connected with my body, when282

Leslie Feinberg

EORRGÀOOHGP\H\HVZKHQ,FRXOGQRORQJHUFDWFKD
breath—I would be theirs. I braced myself against theleftover grit of elderberries between my teeth. Any
moment it would erupt. Any moment.
I looked the leader in his eyes, refusing to show
him my fear. Of course we both knew I was afraid. I
wasn’t ready to die. Oh, I was scared alright. But what
I hadn’t shown him yet was my rage. I might never get
my hands on the powers that twisted and unleashedthese bullies on me, but if I was going to die, I wassure as hell going to try to take them with me. I could
feel a breeze on my face—a train was approaching.
Would it come in time to save me?
The attack began at that moment. His body
betrayed him. He telegraphed his intention to move.
,VZXQJP\VSLNHGÀVWLQDQXSSHUFXWWRKLVFKLQAt the moment of impact he bit off the end of his
tongue. His blood sprayed my face. More of his blood
UDQGRZQP\ZULVWDV,\DQNHGRXWP\ÀVW7KHWUDLQ
roared into the station.
$QRWKHURSHQWKURDW,WKUXVWP\FOHQFKHGÀVW
into it as hard as I could. Even over the racket of the
train I could hear the gurgling sound as I pulled out
my keys.
$ÀVWDVKDUGDVDQDQYLOVPDVKHGWKHVLGHRI 
my jaw. The opposite side of my skull slammed intothe metal column. I staggered down the platform,
rubbing someone else’s blood from my eyes.
The train doors opened. The early morning
rush hour crowd moved away from me in horror.
When the doors closed I looked around. They hadn’t
followed me onto the train. I looked at my hands,
stained with elderberries and blood. I wondered how
much of the blood was my own. My head throbbed
more and more insistently. A steel rod of pain pierced
P\MDZ³ÀHU\KRWLF\FROG0\YLVLRQGRXEOHG
focused and blurred again. I couldn’t hear the soundsof the train over the roar in my ears.
I got off the train at 14th Street. It was Ruth I
wanted to see. If I was going to die, I wanted it to
be in the arms of someone who understood me. But
I knew we risked a hideous scene if we went to thehospital together. Maybe if I went alone and they
didn’t make me take off my T-shirt they might help
me.
1RRQHQRWLFHGPHDWÀUVWDV,VWDJJHUHG
through the double doors of St. Vincent’s Hospital.
Then hands reached out for me, guided me. A nurse
peered in my face as she pushed forms toward me. I
invented someone who had insurance and no fear of
being traced. How long would it take them to checkout my lies?

Another nurse laid me down gently. A galewind blew behind my eyes. Doctors and nurses bent
over the table and peered at me. I wondered what
they saw. The ceiling began to move. I was being
wheeled somewhere. I remember opening my eyes
and watching a doctor sewing my mouth. I wanted to
struggle but I lay still. My head ached.
When I opened my eyes again there was only
a nurse in the room, writing on a clipboard. I tried
to sit up. She came over and steadied me. “Take iteasy,” she whispered. She read the fear in my eyes.
“Do you know where you are?” she asked. I nodded.
“You’ve been in and out since you got here. Yourjaw is broken. You’re going to be drinking a lot ofmilkshakes for the next couple of months. We’regoing to bandage your head wound. You have aconcussion. The doctor’s waiting for the x-rays tocome down. He may want you to stay overnight for
observation.” My face and head felt huge and bloated.
There was kindness in her smile. “One of the
SROLFHRIÀFHUVZLOOKHOS\RXÀOORXWDFULPHUHSRUWµ
My eyes widened in fear. “It’s required by law,” shesaid. “You just lie there, now. Don’t try to get up. I’ll
be back in a while.” I stood up as soon as she left. The
room rotated around the axis of my feet. I had trouble
focusing my eyes. My head wasn’t working right.
Stone Butch Blues283

6RRQWKH\ZRXOGÀQGRXW,GLGQ·WKDYH
insurance. Momentarily a cop would arrive. Every bitof information I gave him would be a lie. I was still agender outlaw—any encounter with the police mightend up with me in their custody. I panicked. It wastime to escape. I checked my wallet. I had more thanenough for a cab ride home.
The emergency room was so chaotic no one
noticed me leave. The icy blast of wind outside felt
good against my swollen face, but it made my scalp
ache. I stumbled to the corner of 14th Street andhailed a cab. The driver turned around in his seat.
“Where to, pal?” I couldn’t answer. He frowned.
“Where to, mister?” My hands moved in frustration.
“You drunk or something?”
Ruth. I wanted to get to Ruth. I grimaced so hecould see my gums were wired. “Holy shit,” he said.
I mimed writing. He handed me a pad and I wrote
down my address. He watched me in the rearview
mirror as he drove. “What happened?” I shrugged.
“Oh, yeah. You can’t talk. I forgot.” He pulled
up in front of my building. “That’ll be $3.40,” he told
PH,JDYHKLPDÀYHDQGZDYHGIRUKLPWRNHHSLW
All I could think of was Ruth’s arms. But by
the time I got to her door I hesitated. Even though
I could hear her in her apartment, I didn’t knock.
I quietly took out my own house keys. They were284

Leslie Feinberg

clotted with blood. I calmed my breathing, fearing
I’d choke to death if I vomited. A moment after I’dclosed my door I heard a knock. I knew it must be
Ruth. I held still and didn’t move until she walked
away and closed her door.
Why? Why was I suddenly so afraid to see her?
Because I feared bringing so much need to her? What
if I asked for too much? What if she turned awayfrom me? What if I lost her?
I wanted to go to her, though. I wanted tokneel in front of her and ask her to hide me, to keep
me safe. And I wanted her love to protect me fromharm’s way. More than anything I just wanted to be
held. But I was so afraid to ask.
My head hurt and hurt and hurt. I couldn’t open
my jaws. Panic burned like acid in my throat. I felt
claustrophobic, trapped inside my head. My skull
throbbed, and the room tilted like the fun house at&U\VWDO%HDFK)RUMXVWDPRPHQW,ZDVPRUHWHUULÀHGnot to ask for what I needed than I was to be rejected.
I fumbled trying to open the lock on my door. I
slammed it behind me and hurled myself against
5XWK·VGRRUSRXQGLQJLWZLWKP\ÀVW,I VKHGLGQ·W
answer fast I’d lose my nerve.
Ruth opened her door, wearing that oldfashioned apron. She pushed her red hair out of

her frightened eyes. My chin ached and trembled. I
struggled to speak. She saw my gums, laced with wire.
Ruth reached out one hand to me, led me into her
kitchen, sat me down. I tried to repeat two words over
and over again but she couldn’t understand me.
She brought me a pad and pencil. I couldn’t holdthe pencil in my swollen right hand. She pulled an oldbaking sheet from the dish drain and opened a can of
Crisco, then smoothed a thick layer of lard over thealuminum and set it on the table in front of me. With
P\OHIWLQGH[ÀQJHU,ZURWHWKHWZRZRUGV,·GEHHQ
repeating: Help me?
Ruth knelt in front of me and buried her facein my lap. She cried so bitterly I tried to comfort her,
VWURNLQJKHUKDLUDQGVPRRWKLQJWKHÁRUDOPDWHULDO
covering her wide shoulders. “This is why I didn’t
want to let you in my life,” she sobbed. “Because I
knew I’d have to look. When it’s me I don’t have to
see it. But when I care about you I have to look. I see
it and I don’t want to.”
+HUZRUGVFRQÀUPHGZKDW,·GIHDUHGPRVW³,·G
asked for too much. I stood up slowly and staggered
WRWKHGRRU5XWKSXWKHUKDQGRQWKHGRRU´-HVV
sit down. Where are you going?” She wiped her eyeswith the back of her hand. I looked at her calmly,
hiding the crisis of rejection.

“Honey,” she stroked my cheek. “I’m so sorry.
I just don’t want it to be you. C’mon, honey. Please.
Come.” Ruth guided me to her bedroom. I covered
my eyes against the sunlight streaming in her window.
She pulled the shades.
Ruth laid me down on her bed. I could feel theembroidered edges of her pillowcases against mycheek. My head hurt even worse when I lay down.
I sat up, unable to explain why. Ruth touched theback of my head. I winced in pain. She stared at her
KDQGLQKRUURU,WZDVFRYHUHGZLWKEORRG´-HVVµVKH
whispered, “I’m afraid.”
My eyes narrowed in anticipation of anotherrejection. Ruth lifted my hand in both of hers andkissed each bruised knuckle. I wasn’t afraid to die inher bed with my hand in hers.
She gently pressed my head against her body. It
hurt, but I needed her closeness. Her voice dropped
low, like a whisper: “I once read in an old dragmagazine about a time, long, long ago, when people
OLNHXVZHUHKRQRUHG,I ,KDGWKHSRZHU-HVV,·GWDNH
you back and leave you there with people who would
care for you as much as I do. I’d know you were safe,
and you’d be loved.”,WULHGWRVLWXS´/HDQDJDLQVWPH-HVV<RXQHHG
to rest.” I moaned as I tried to lay my head against her
Stone Butch Blues285

breastbone. Ruth propped me up with pillows. She
curled up between my thighs and stroked my chestwith her wide hand. “Shh,” she whispered. “I know
you’re frightened, too, but it’s gonna be alright. It’s
always the worst when they hurt my head. I’m always
afraid I’ll lose my thoughts, my memories. I’m scared
I’ll lose me. Is that how you’re feeling?” She wiped thetears from my cheeks.
I closed my eyes. “Try to stay awake, honey.” She
pleaded. “Please. I’m afraid for you to fall asleep rightnow.” I wanted to go away. “I’ll tell you stories,” shesmiled. “I’ll tell you about where I grew up. Would
you like that?”I blinked back to consciousness and nodded.
Ruth rested her cheek against my chest and squeezed
PHWLJKW´2K-HVV,ZLVK,FRXOGVKRZ\RXWKH
vineyards. I wish you could smell the grapes in thefall air.” Ruth looked up at me and smiled. “Someday
I’m going to make you grape pie. After my Grandma
Anne’s and my mama’s, I make the best grape pie inthe valley.” Grape pie didn’t sound very good to me,
but it didn’t matter much at the moment.
Ruth mesmerized me with her voice. “I wish I
could show it all to you—how the hills change withthe seasons. In the winter, my Uncle Dale could nameevery tree for me just by the shape of its silhouette
286

Leslie Feinberg

outlined against the sky. But it was the vines thatbrought us out to discover spring. We might nothave noticed the smell of the earth thawing if it
hadn’t been for the work that needed doing. The men
trimmed the vines, and we tied them to the locust
posts.
“The women all working together in the
YLQH\DUGVZHUHWKHEHVWWLPHVRI P\OLIH-HVV,NQRZ
it was hard work lugging those heavy grape trays. But
all I remember is talking and laughing together. All
the stories seemed to begin with the same sentence:‘Remember the time that … ’”
Ruth glanced up to make sure I was awake.
“When I was eight or nine, my Uncle Dale tried totake me out with the men to prune the vines. But mymother said no. She and my aunt and my grandma
took me to work with them. They already knew mynature.”I stiffened as the pain grew inside my head. Ruth
rubbed my chest until the hurt subsided. “I remember
my Uncle Dale told my mother I needed a man around.
My dad died when I was so young. Dale used to comeby to take me hunting. Mostly we just walked in thewoods. He taught me to respect Bare Hill—that’s thebirthplace of the Seneca Nation. The government cut aroad right through the burial grounds there.

“Anyway, Dale seemed to get more and more
upset about the way I was growing up. There certainly
wasn’t anything manly about me, and I think he felt
it was his fault. One spring day we were walking on
Bare Hill. The clouds were moving fast, throwing
shadows over the valley and the lake as they passed.
Uncle Dale seemed so disgusted with me I thought
he’d stop taking me on those walks.
“At the top of the hill I saw a man whose hair
was long and chocolate brown, like muck. Someday
I’ll show you the land we call muck—it’s very fertileand very beautiful. They stood there talking. Then
Dale nodded toward me and said, ‘I’m trying to teachthe boy to be a man.’ His voice sounded like he’dalready failed. I felt so ashamed standing there, thisstranger hearing the disappointment in my uncle’s
voice at the same moment I did.
“But the man put his hand on my uncle’s
shoulder and he said, ‘Let the child be.’ After a minute
Dale hung his head and nodded. He looked at me
GLIIHUHQWDIWHUWKDWOLNHKHZDVVHHLQJPHIRUWKHÀUVWtime.”
Ruth cried softly against my stomach. I ran myÀQJHUVWKURXJKKHUKDLU´,ZDQWHGKLPWRORYHPHVR
much. And after that he did. I knew he cared about
me before, but I didn’t think he’d be able to accept

that I wasn’t growing up to be a man. But after thatday we didn’t pretend to hunt anymore. We just went
for walks. He loved those hills more than any humanbeing. I was so proud he’d take me up there withhim.”
She reached for a Kleenex and blew her nose.
“Want to hear something funny?” she smiled. “Years
later I reminded him about the man we met on thehill and Uncle Dale told me it never happened likethat. He said it must have been one of the spirits of
the Senecas who walk those hills. I didn’t know if itreally happened or not. I do know that somethingchanged between me and Dale that day, and I know it
was real hard for him to admit.”
I rolled my head gently against the pillows until I
found a place on my skull that didn’t hurt. My eyelidsÁXWWHUHG´-HVVÀJKWWRVWD\DZDNHKRQH\3OHDVH:DNHXS-HVVµ7KDW·VWKHODVWWKLQJ,KHDUGKHUVD\before I lost consciousness.
In the days that followed I drifted in and out ofawareness. A woman came into the bedroom with
Ruth. Their hands felt reassuring on my body. Ruth
propped me up while the woman cleaned a spot on
my scalp that hurt real bad. When she was done shewrapped my whole head in gauze. Ruth helped me situp and urged me to drink through a straw. I saw my
Stone Butch Blues287

blood was everywhere: sponge-print circles on thewall behind the bed, soaked stains in Ruth’s beautiful
embroidered pillowcases.
As the days passed I could hear the sound of
Ruth’s weeping replace the steady hum of her sewing
machine. Even in a state of semi-consciousness I
knew I asked too much of Ruth this time. My blood
was all over her life, and the stains weren’t going toscrub out.
One morning I felt her lips on my forehead andopened my eyes. I forgot about my jaw and tried to
speak. When I couldn’t, I grabbed my face. She put
her hands over mine. “It’s OK, honey. You’re getting
better. Look at me. Let me see your eyes.” She held
my head between her hands as though it was a crystal
ball. When I saw her expression I wondered what had
made me think I had to ask for her love.
She dropped her eyes. “I’ve done something
WHUULEOH-HVV,ZDVMXVWWU\LQJWRKHOS,OHWP\VHOI LQnext door and found the name of the company where
you work on the check stubs you keep on the kitchen
table. I thought if I called you in sick, you might beable to keep your job. I told them you got mugged
DQG\RX·GEHRXWIRUDZHHNRUWZR-HVV,UHIHUUHG
to you as she. I wasn’t thinking. They heard it. I’m sosorry. I know it means I lost that job for you.”
288

Leslie Feinberg

Ruth touched my face. “I know you must be
really mad at me.” I shook my head. It was a mistake,that’s all. I thought about Duffy, the union organizer
who’d done the same thing, and I forgave him in
retrospect.
,ÁXWWHUHGP\KDQGWRDVNIRUVRPHWKLQJWR
write with. Ruth came back with a pen and paper. My
right hand was stiff and sore, but the words I wrote
were legible—the message life had given me anotherchance to deliver. Ruth read the words out loud:Thank you for your love. And then we cried together.
ŶŶŶ

I visited the graphic arts employment agency inperson and wrote down that I was looking for work.
I started a new job the same night. That’s when I
realized I’d become a valuable typesetter. Christmas
was a month and a half away and the third shift could
hardly handle the volume of work the ad agencies
were sending over. I took all the overtime they
offered. I wanted a chunk of money, fast.
At night I lived inside the coding strings, myface illuminated by the ghostly light of the terminal.
The code phrases became my poetry. The curvesof type against space sang to me: the melody meanteverything, the words meant very little.
At dawn I worked out at the gym, pausing only
when the throbbing in my head frightened me. I
moved my will to live down deeper into my body.
Since my rage and frustration couldn’t escape throughmy clamped jaws, I screamed through my muscles. I
WKRXJKW,PLJKWH[SORGHZLWKUDJH$WÀUVWZRUNLQJ
out at the gym reduced the pressure, but after awhile the frenzied workouts became part of it. I wasa time bomb, ticking, ticking, moments away fromdetonation.
I didn’t sleep very much, just a few hours in
the morning and late afternoon. I feared losing
FRQVFLRXVQHVVDIUDLG,·GQHYHUÀQGP\ZD\EDFNRuth seemed worried about how much time I
spent away from the apartment. I could tell by therelief on her face every day when I knocked on her
door to check in with her. “Where do you go?” she’dsigh as she poured me a protein shake. I could tell she
didn’t expect an answer.
Restlessness drew me to Far Rockaway beachon a cold December morning. As I walked along
the shore I thought about how fear and silence had
welded my jaw shut for more of my life than I’drealized. I wondered if silence had killed Rocco, andthe anonymous butler, a little bit at a time, too. What

ZRXOG,VD\ZKHQ,ÀQDOO\VQLSSHGWKHZLUHVWKDWKHOG
my jaws clamped?
The lobster-shift foreman handed me thelast check I needed two days before the Christmas
weekend. In the morning I’d go to the check-cashingRIÀFHÁDVKP\FRPSDQ\FDUGDQGZDONRXWZLWKDOO
the money I needed to buy the gift for Ruth.
I snuck into the lunchroom without punchingout and slipped between the two vending machines
in the corner that formed my favorite hiding place atwork, carefully leaning my head against the wall. The
headaches were milder, but they still frightened me.
I heard Marija and Karen, both typesetters,come into the lunchroom, laughing. “You got
change?” Marija asked. I sat very still, afraid of being
discovered.
Marija’s hands always captured my attention.
Some people drag their hands through life like heavy
weights; others speak with their hands. But Marija’s
hands were different. Although they communicated,
they seemed to be carrying on an entirely separate
conversation than the one she was verbally engaged
in. When she talked with other typesetters, shelaughed nervously and chewed her lip. But her hands
were calm. While her words cut cruelly to the quick,her hands found the sore places on a co-worker’s
Stone Butch Blues289

shoulder or neck. I imagined feeling those remarkablehands stroking my head, caressing my neck.
“I tell you it’s creepy,” Marija said, “the way helooks at me.”
“Who?” Karen asked.
0DULMDVLJKHG´7KDWJX\ZKRQHYHUWDONV³-HVVH
I’m telling you the way he stares at me creeps meout.”
Karen laughed. “Maybe he’s got the hots foryou.”“Yeech!” Marija said. “He looks at me like I’m apiece of meat or something.”“He’s harmless,” Karen chuckled.
“You don’t know that,” Marija countered. “He
could be a psycho.”
Karen interrupted. “He’s so effeminate. He’s got
to be gay.”
I heard them leaving. “I’m telling you,” Marija
concluded, “he’s the kind you gotta watch out for.”I could see Marija’s hand gently rest on the small of
Karen’s back. I closed my eyes and waited until I wassure they were gone. Then I walked out of the shopknowing I would never return.
When I got home I leaned the bathroom mirror
up against the couch and found a pair of scissors andtweezers. I took a couple of long pulls of whiskey
290

Leslie Feinberg

through a straw before I cut each wire that laced mygums shut. I pulled each segment out with a surestroke, the way I pulled off old bandaids—not fast,
not slow, just steady. After I was sure I’d gotten thelast piece of wire out of my gums, I rinsed my mouthwith whiskey and then drank the rest of it so I could
sleep without remembering how Marija’s words had
stripped me of my humanity.
When I awoke I walked up to 34th Street,maneuvering in the throng of shoppers like a warrior.
I knew exactly what I was looking for. The best sewing
machine you have, I wrote on a piece of paper andhanded it to the saleswoman. And then I realized myjaw wasn’t wired shut anymore. Silence had become ahabit.
She led me to the display models. They all
looked pretty much the same—except for one.
I didn’t sew, but I knew it was the right machine
when she pointed to it. It glinted in the light like a
motorcycle. The saleswoman talked to me about
attachments and the endless things it could do. I
smiled, not understanding a word. I could already
VHH5XWKKXQFKHGRYHUWKLVPDJQLÀFHQWPDFKLQH
stitching her magic into fabric. As I paid for it in cash
I felt excitement, something I hadn’t felt in a longtime.

A light snow fell as I lugged the machine backthrough the crowded streets and hailed a cab.
As soon as I got home I cleaned my apartment
with a vengeance. When the house sparkled I realized
WKDW,ZDVÀOWK\,WRRNDORQJKRWVKRZHUOHWWLQJthe water soften my jaw so it didn’t click each time
I opened my mouth. I dried off and put on a clean
white T-shirt and khaki chinos. While I combed myhair, I caught sight of myself in the kitchen mirror.
My eyes looked so sad I couldn’t meet my own gaze.
My face seemed much older than I’d remembered it. I
UDQP\ÀQJHUWLSVRYHUWKHPXVFOHVWKDWULSSOHGDFURVV
my shoulders and chest and arms. Suddenly all thoselong hours at the gym seemed to be proof of my will
to live. I’d sent myself a gift—a memory of body, ofself.
I shopped on Grand Street for handmade
Chinese wrapping paper. I pointed to what I needed. I
still didn’t speak.
7KHÀUVWZRUGV,VSRNHZHUHWR5XWK,NQRFNHG
RQKHUGRRURQ&KULVWPDV(YH´-HVVZKHUHZHUH
you? I was scared silly. Come on in. Tanya andEsperanza are here.” I didn’t move. “Are you OK?”
She looked worried.
I moved my jaw slightly. “Ruth.” Tears welled up
in her eyes when she heard my voice. “Thank you,” I

told her. “Thank you for everything you’ve done forme.” We pressed our foreheads together.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know it was an awful lot toask.”“Hush,” she whispered.
“Ruth, I love you.”“Shh, I know.” She held my face in her cupped
hands. “I love you too, honey.” Ruth pulled me close
against her body. We hugged as though we’d never letgo.
“Ooh, let me have some of that,” Tanya said.
“Come in here, boy.”
5XWKVPLOHGDQGVKRRNKHUKHDG´-HVVLVD
B-girl,” she told Tanya. I hadn’t heard that word inmany years. B-girl—the old code word femmes usedin public to refer to butches when they were afraid of
being overheard. There was so much about Ruth I still
didn’t know.
“Ooh, honey,” Tanya looked me up and down
appreciatively. “I could swing for you, girl.”
Ruth introduced me to Esperanza. “Mucho
gusto,” Esperanza whispered in a voice as complicatedas Ruth’s and mine. Esperanza blushed as I kissed
her hand. “We’re trimming the tree. You want to helpus?” She handed me tinsel.
I smiled shyly. “I never did this before.”
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291

Esperanza frowned. “You never decorated a
Christmas tree before?” I shook my head. “You didn’t
have Christmas when you were a child?” I shook myhead again. “Too poor?”I laughed. My jaw clicked as I answered. “Too
-HZLVKµRuth offered me a cookie she’d just decorated.
´,W·VVWLOOZDUPVRLW·VVRIW,W·VJLQJHUEUHDG7U\LW-XVW
a bite.” I rediscovered taste. “We’re making cookies
to take to friends who are stuck in the hospital with
AIDS.”Up until that moment I had felt as though theepidemic was taking place a million miles away fromme. “Can I go with?” I asked.
Ruth sighed heavily. “Yes, if you want to.”Tanya offered me a mug. “This is Tanya’s killer
eggnog. If this don’t give you the holiday spirit
nothing will.”
Ruth wiped her hands on her apron. “Take iteasy with that stuff.”
Tanya made a face at her. “Don’t listen to her.
-XVW·FDXVHVKH·VDIULHQGRI %LOO:·VGRHVQ·WPHDQZH
all have to hang out with him.”“We’re going out to a drag club later tonight.
You want to come?” Esperanza asked. I looked at
Ruth. She smiled and shrugged.
292

Leslie Feinberg“I’ll teach you to bump and grind on the danceÁRRUKRQH\µ7DQ\DVDLG
I laughed. “I’ll show you a thing or two on the
GDQFHÁRRUµ“Lord have mercy,” Tanya fanned herself with
her large hand. “Kill me now.”
Esperanza smiled. “I’ll teach you an old dance,
the merengue, the dance of the enslaved.”
I remembered Ruth’s present. “I’ll be rightback,” I said. When I lugged the heavy rectangularpresent into her living room Ruth sat down heavily
on the couch as though she’d been hit with bad news.
“It’s for you,” I smiled.
“Open it, girl,” Tanya urged.
Ruth chewed her lip. “You shouldn’t have.”
All my love was in my smile. “Oh, hush.”
She sighed, opened the paper carefully, folded
it, and put it aside. When Ruth took the cover off thesewing machine she gasped. I could tell by the way
KHUÀQJHUVWUDLOHGDFURVVWKHPDFKLQHKRZKDSS\LW
made her. “I’ll make you a suit,” she whispered.
I beamed. “Really?” Ruth nodded and bit her
knuckles. She stood up and walked over to the halfdecorated evergreen. “This is for you.” She handed
PHDÁDWSDFNDJHIt was a book called Gay American History. My
hands trembled as I leafed through the pages.
“Look,” Ruth took the book from my hands
and turned to the index. “Remember I told you about
what I read in a drag magazine about how people likeus used to be honored? Look at this whole section
about Native societies. But, wait, look at this.” SheÁLSSHGWKHSDJHV´7KLVZKROHSDUWLVDERXWZRPHQ
like you who lived as men.”
Tears clouded my vision.
Esperanza looked at the title and shook her
head. “I wish we weren’t always lumped into gay.”
Ruth changed the subject, as was her way. She
handed me a package wrapped in red tissue paper.
´2SHQWKLVµ,QVLGHZDVDZDWHUFRORURI DIDFHÀOOHG
with emotion, looking up at a host of stars. It was abeautiful face, a face I’d never seen before. It was myface.
“Let me see that, honey,” Tanya reached for it.
“Ooh, Ruth. That’s nice. That looks just like him.”“Ruth,” I chewed my lip. “Do I really look likethis?”She nodded and smiled through her tears.
“When I thought you might die, I started to sketch
your face. I wanted something more than mymemories of you to remain. Your eyes were closed,

but I could shut my own and remember the way thecolor of your eyes changes in the light.”
Ruth sat down next to me on the couch. We put
our arms around each other and rocked. Esperanza
DQG7DQ\DVDWRQWKHÁRRUQHDUXVMy chin ached and trembled. “You know,” I told
them, “I’ve been searching for you all for such a long
WLPH,FDQ·WEHOLHYH,·YHÀQDOO\IRXQG\RXµ,VTXHH]HG
Ruth tightly in my arms as we both cried.
Esperanza rested her hand on my thigh. “Do
you know what my name means?”
I shook my head. “No, but it sure is pretty.”
She smiled and looked at me with a sure,unwavering expression. “Esperanza,” she explained—“it means hope.”

Stone Butch Blues

293

24
IT WAS THE FIRST DAY of spring, when everyone
who lives in this city agrees to feel good at the sametime—a day when it seems as though every woman,
PDQDQGFKLOGLVÁLUWLQJZLWKP\GLIIHUHQFH,EURZVHG
at the farmer’s market in Union Square, killing time.
The sun dipped behind the buildings to the westof the island. Ruth made me promise not to comehome until late afternoon. It was time to discover mysurprise.
I knocked on my own door and waited for Ruth
to answer it. She wiped her hands on a cloth and led
me into my bedroom. “Close your eyes,” she urged.
“Remember you told me I could do anything I wanted
to to it?” I smiled and nodded. “OK, open your eyes.”
I looked around and then up at the ceiling—there itwas.
I sat down on my bed and fell back to lookat the ceiling. Ruth had painted it velvety blackwith pinpoints of constellations I recognized. The
darkness softened to light around the edges. I could
see the outline of trees against the sky.
Ruth lay down next to me. “Do you like it?”
“It’s just incredible. I can’t believe you’ve givenme the sky to sleep under. But I can’t tell if its dawn
or dusk you’ve painted.”
She smiled up at the ceiling. “It’s neither. It’sboth. Does that unnerve you?”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah, in a funny way it does.”´,ÀJXUHGWKDWµVKHVDLG´,W·VDSODFHLQVLGHRI 
me I have to accept. I thought it might be what you
need to deal with, too.”
I sighed. “I really do have trouble not being ableWRÀJXUHRXWLI ZKDW\RX·YHSDLQWHGLVDERXWWREHGD\or about to be night.”

Ruth rolled toward me and rested her hand on
P\FKHVW´,W·VQRWJRLQJWREHGD\RUQLJKW-HVV,W·V
DOZD\VJRLQJWREHWKDWPRPHQWRI LQÀQLWHSRVVLELOLW\that connects them.”
Ruth’s face was very close to mine. We becameaware of the symmetry of our breathing. She slid
her hand slowly along my body from my chest to mystomach. She dropped her eyes.
“I’m afraid,” I answered the question she hadn’t
asked out loud.
“Why?” she asked. “Because I’m neither nightnor day?” I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew I would
lose her if I wasn’t honest; I knew I might lose her if
I was.
“Yes,” I told her. “That’s part of it. Remember
your geometric theory? More than double thetrouble?”Ruth rolled onto her back. “I’m not suggesting
we do it in the road.”
I stared up at the sky. “You know what I mean.
But that’s only part of it. If I really have to be honest,
it’s because I’m afraid not to be with someone who isnight or day. I guess I felt like the femmes I was withanchored me. It was the closest to normal I’ve everfelt.”
Ruth curled up into my arm. “Were you her
dawn or her dusk?”

I smiled sadly. “In the beginning I was her dawn.
By the end I was her twilight.” We both sighed.
“You want more truth, Ruth? There’s a placesomewhere inside of me where I’ve never been
touched before. I’m afraid you’ll touch me there. And
I’m afraid you won’t. My femme lovers knew me well,
but they never crossed those boundaries inside of me.
They tried to coax me across the borders into theirarms, but they never came after me. You’re right therewith me. There’s no place for me to hide. It scaresme.”
Ruth smiled sadly. “Isn’t it funny? That’s exactly
why I would like to make love with you.”
We lay quietly. I kissed her hair. “Oh, Ruth,
I haven’t had to navigate sex in a long time, withanyone. I don’t even know who I am as a lover
anymore. But I’m scared you’ll leave me now. Can’t
ZHÀJXUHLWRXWDVZHJRDORQJ"3OHDVHVWD\LQP\OLIH
I need you so much.”
Ruth got up on one elbow and kissed my lips. “Ineed you, too.” I held one of her hands, marveling at
how small mine looked in hers. She dropped her eyes
while I kissed each one of her knuckles.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about my life since
my jaw got broken,” I told her. “I once read about
warriors who resolve before they go into battle that
‘Today is a good day to die.’”
Stone Butch Blues

295

Ruth smiled. “It’s a brave thought, but I don’t
want to die.”,QRGGHG´$WÀUVW,WKRXJKWLWPHDQWUHVLJQLQJ
myself to death. But now I think it means facing myown life at the moment I’m facing my enemy. Maybe
WKDW·VWKHNH\WRÀJKWLQJIHDUOHVVO\WRVXUYLYLQJ,·YH
OHIWDORWRI WKLQJVXQÀQLVKHGLQP\OLIH,WPDNHVPH
PRUHDIUDLGWRGLH,WKROGVPHEDFNLQDÀJKWµRuth frowned. “Like what?”“I always wanted to leave something importantbehind. Remember the history book you gave me for
Christmas?” Ruth nodded. “I’ve been going to thelibrary, looking up our history. There’s a ton of it inanthropology books, a ton of it, Ruth. We haven’t
always been hated. Why didn’t we grow up knowing
that?”
Ruth propped herself up on her elbow and
watched my face as I spoke. “It’s changed the way
I think. I grew up believing the way things are now
is the way they’ve always been, so why even bother
WU\LQJWRFKDQJHWKHZRUOG"%XWMXVWÀQGLQJRXWWKDW
it was ever different, even if it was long ago, made me
feel things could change again. Whether or not I live
to see it.
“At work, when everyone else is at lunch, I’ve
been typesetting all the history I’ve found, trying to296

Leslie Feinberg

make it look as important as it feels to me. That’s
what I want to leave behind, Ruth—the history ofthis ancient path we’re walking. I want it to help us
restore our dignity.” Ruth pressed my hand to her lips.
“But I want more, Ruth. There’s things I’ve been
afraid to face in my life. They may sound small, butthey hold me back from pride. Remember when I told
\RXDERXW%XWFK$O",ZDQWWRÀQGRXWZKDWUHDOO\happened to her.
“And there’s a butch I once put down because I
couldn’t deal with the fact that she got turned on byother butches. I thought being butch automaticallymeant being attracted to femmes, just like I assumed
transvestism meant gay.”
Ruth smiled. “It’s an easy misunderstanding. You
were hanging out in gay bars.”
I nodded. “Yeah, but I always wanted all of us
who were different to be the same. I can’t believe I
rejected a butch friend because she took a butch lover.
I want to tell Frankie I’m sorry.”
Ruth kissed my cheek. “Anything else?”
I nodded. “Yeah. There were two little kids—.LPDQG6FRWW\,SURPLVHG,·GFRPHEDFNDQGÀQG
them someday. Oh, and there’s one more thing I needto do.”
5XWKUDQKHUÀQJHUVWKURXJKP\KDLU´:KDW"µI lay back and stared into the universe on theceiling. “I want to write a letter to Theresa, a woman
I still carry around in my heart. We parted in a realURXJKZD\,ZDQWWRÀQDOO\ÀQGWKHZRUGVHYHQLI 
she never reads them.”
My eyelids felt heavy. Ruth curled up against me
DV,\DZQHG´<RX·OOÀQGWKHZRUGVµVKHUHDVVXUHGme.
I sighed. “First I have to let my own memories
come back. I put them away somewhere because theyhurt. Now I have to remember where I put them.”
The breeze from the window chilled me. I pulled
the tie quilt over both of us and snuggled up against
Ruth. She felt warm and comforting beside me.
“Sleepy?” she asked me.
I nodded. “Stay with me for a while, Ruth.
Please?” She nodded. I buried my face in her neck.
She stroked my hair and kissed my forehead.
“Sleep now, my sweet drag king.”ŶŶŶ

I almost hung up when I heard Frankie’s voice on
WKHRWKHUHQGRI WKHSKRQH´,W·VPH³-HVV'R\RX
remember me, Frankie?” That’s all I could think of tosay.

7KHUHZDVDORQJVLOHQFH´-HVV"-HVXVLVWKDWreally you? It’s been a long time.”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, it has been. Listen,Frankie, I really want to talk to you. If you don’t want
to, I’ll understand. But I owe you an apology, and it’slong overdue. I’d like to offer it to you in person, if
you’ll see me. I’m living in New York City now, but I
could come to Buffalo.”
Another long silence. “You know something,-HVV",·PVWLOOPDGDW\RXEXWQRWDVPDGDV\RX·UH
afraid I am. And I’ll tell you something else. It mattersto me that you called to say that. I’ll be in Manhattan
on the 15th, at the labor college. I could meet you at
the Duchess for a drink around 11:00.”
I paused. “Is that the lesbian bar in Sheridan
Square?”“Yeah.”“Well, I don’t know if they’ll let me in. Can I
meet you outside the bar?”“Sure,” Frankie said. “I’ll see you then.”:KHQWKHQLJKWÀQDOO\DUULYHG,SDFHGXQGHUD
streetlamp outside the bar chewing my thumbnail.
I saw Frankie approach from across the street. We
stood awkwardly. Neither of us knew where to begin.
I reached out my hand; she shook it. I found ourshared past in her grasp.
Stone Butch Blues297

I’d forgotten how much I love butches until I
ORRNHGDWKHUVWDQGLQJWKHUH³WKHGHIHQVLYHGHÀDQFH
of her stance, one hand jammed in her trouser
pocket, her head cocked to the side.
I don’t know which shocked me more, theways Frankie had changed or how much she lookedexactly the way I remembered her. Strange to see
soft wrinkles in that freckled teenage face, silver
hairs among the wiry red ones. “It’s good to see you,Frankie.”
She scuffed her shoe against the pavement. “It’sgood to see you, too.”
I tried to keep my lower lip from trembling.
´,GRQ·WMXVWPHDQLW·VQLFHWRVHH\RX)UDQNLH-XVW
looking at you is bringing back a whole part of my life
I really need right now. It’s really good to see you.”
I opened my arms and we hugged each othertight, then we wrestled playfully. I scruffed her hair,
VKHSXQFKHGP\VKRXOGHU´-HVVQRPDWWHUZKDWZHQW
down in the past, we’re still from the old days. You
still matter to me,” Frankie said.
I thought that was such a generous thing to say.
“You ever see anyone from the old crowd?” I asked.
She nodded. “I see Grant a lot.”“What about Theresa?” I held my breath.
Frankie shook her head. “You remember Butch-DQ"6KHDQGKHUORYHUJRWDÁRZHUVKRSRQ(OPZRRG
298

Leslie Feinberg

Avenue—Blue Violets. I can’t think of anybody else,
except for Duffy. You remember Duffy, the union
organizer?”
I smiled. “Yeah, I remember Duffy.”
Frankie leaned forward. “You don’t know how
sorry he was that he fucked up that job for you. He
UHDOO\GLGQ·WPHDQLW-HVVµ
I nodded. “Yeah, I know he didn’t. I want his
phone number, if you’ve got it. I’d like to talk to him,
too.” Frankie nodded.
We stood in shy silence. “Frankie, I’m sorry.
I always thought I was so open-minded. But when
I came up against my own fears, I tried to separate
myself from you. I’ve done some growing up sincethen. I can’t take it back, but I’m real sorry.”Frankie gestured with her thumb toward theDuchess. “You don’t know if they’ll let you in there?
Well, in our day I was afraid if I showed who turned
me on my own people would shut the door in myface. That’s a terrible way to feel. I’m sorry that’s
KDSSHQLQJWR\RXQRZ6KLW-HVVZKDWKXUWWKHPRVW
is I respected you. I wanted you to respect me.”I rubbed the sadness out of my eyes. “Well, youdeserved it. C’mon,” I took her by the shoulder. “Let’s
go to the piers.” We walked slowly down Christopher
Street toward the Hudson River. “You know, Frankie,

ZKHQZHZHUH\RXQJHU,WKRXJKW,KDGLWÀJXUHG
out: I’m a butch because I love femmes. That was
something beautiful. Nobody ever honored our love.
You scared me. I felt like you were taking that awayfrom me.”Frankie shook her head. “I wasn’t taking
anything from you. But how do you think I felt when
you told me I wasn’t a real butch because I sleep withRWKHUEXWFKHV"<RXZHUHWDNLQJDZD\ZKR,DP-HVXV-HVVZKHQ,ZDONGRZQWKHVWUHHWJX\VIXFNZLWKPH
I don’t have to prove I’m butch to them. How come I
got to prove it to you?”
I shook my head. “You don’t.” I put my arm
around her shoulder. We crossed the West Side
Highway and walked to the end of the pier. The fullmoon illuminated the clouds. Light shimmered on thedark water.
)UDQNLH·VYRLFHGURSSHGORZ´-HVVZKLFKROG
bull really brought you out?”
I smiled at her memory. “Butch Al, from
Niagara Falls.”“For me it was Grant,” Frankie said.
“Grant?” I remembered Grant as a mean drunk
who could offend everyone.
Frankie watched my face. “Grant meant theworld to me. She taught me that I am what I am,that I got nothing to prove. It was a very liberating
concept for a baby butch.”
I smiled gently. “I never thought of Grant asvery liberated—not that any of us were.”Frankie nodded. “Grant never took her own
wisdom to heart. She’s a prisoner of her shame, but
she didn’t want us young ones to end up like her. She
only seduced baby butches when she got real drunk.
But I never felt like we made her happy. I think she
has some secret passion that scares the shit out ofher.”
I frowned. “Like what?”)UDQNLHVKUXJJHG´,WKLQNVKH·VKRUULÀHGE\something inside of her she thinks is twisted, likemaybe she fantasizes about being with strong oldbulls, or men or something. Poor Grant. I wish she’dlet me in. I love that old bulldagger so much.”
We sat in silence, listening to the waves lapping
against the pilings beneath us. Frankie sighed. “YouNQRZ-HVV,QHYHUOHDUQHGWRORYHP\VHOI XQWLO,JDYH
in to loving other butches.”
I laughed. “I don’t know why, but I have thisimage of you sleeping with a different femme every
week.”
Frankie nodded without smiling. “I thought thatwas what I was supposed to do. Inside my head I was
Stone Butch Blues299

asking each one: Could you love me? Do you love me? Am I
loveable? Of course, the minute they did care about me
I knew I couldn’t respect their judgment so I moved
on to the next. God, I was a shit to femmes.”
Frankie looked out over the water. “It was only
ZKHQ,ÀQDOO\DGPLWWHGLWZDVEXWFKKDQGV,ZDQWHG
on my body that everything changed for me. The
more I saw what I loved about other butches, themore I began to accept myself. You know who gets it
IRUPH-HVV"µ,VPLOHGDQGVKRRNP\KHDG´$QROG
bull with graying hair, a cocky smile, and sad eyes.
You know the kind of butch with arms as big as yourthigh? Those are the arms I want to hold me.”,UDQP\ÀQJHUWLSVRYHUWKHGDUNZRRGQHDUP\thigh. “I love them so much, too. But what gets it
for me is high femme. It’s funny—it doesn’t matter
whether it’s women or men—it’s always high femmethat pulls me by the waist and makes me sweat.”Frankie rested her hand on my arm. “You and I
KDYHWRKDPPHURXWDGHÀQLWLRQRI EXWFKWKDWGRHVQ·W
leave me out. I’m sick of hearing butch used to mean
sexual aggression or courage. If that’s what butchmeans, what does it mean in reverse for femmes?”
I shook my head. “I never thought about it likethat. But I have to admit that when you told me about\RXDQG-RKQQ\WKHÀUVWWKLQJ,ZRQGHUHGZDVZKR·V
the femme in bed?”
300

Leslie Feinberg

Frankie leaned forward. “Neither of us were.
What you meant was who does the fucking and whogets fucked? Who ran the fuck? That’s not the same
DVEHLQJEXWFKRUIHPPH-HVVµFrankie moved closer to me and touched myshoulder. I tensed. “Relax,” she whispered, “I’m not
FRPLQJRQWR\RX-HVVµ“I’m sorry. I’m not so used to getting touched.”
Frankie’s hands kneaded the soreness from myshoulders. “You know, I have a confession to make. I
used to have a crush on you in the old days.”
I laughed nervously. “Oh shit. I was just starting
to relax with you.”
She patted me on the back. “You’ll get over it.”Frankie rubbed my neck. “You were like a fucking
OHJHQGZKHQ\RXVWDUWHGWRSDVV:KDW·VLWOLNH-HVV"µ,VKUXJJHG´,GRQ·WNQRZ-XVWWU\LQJWRVXUYLYH
has pulled me through, but it hasn’t left much leisure
to think about it.”“Am I so different from you?” She whispered
her thought out loud.
“You have to decide that. To me we’re still kin.”A cruise ship passed; laughter from the people
RQGHFNÁRDWHGDFURVVWKHZDWHU,VDWIDFLQJ1HZ
-HUVH\ZLWK)UDQNLH·VKDQGVRQP\VKRXOGHUV´$UH\RXVWLOOZLWK-RKQQ\"µI felt her body sink against mine. “It’s hard for
WZREXWFKHV-HVV,W·VYHU\KDUGµI sighed and nodded. “Hey, Frankie. When two
butches are together—like lovers I mean—do theytalk about their feelings?”“Feelings?” Frankie asked. “What are those?” We
both chuckled, warm and relaxed. We laughed harderand harder, until tears streamed down our cheeks.
)RUWKHÀUVWWLPHVLQFHVKHWRXFKHGPH,UHOD[HGP\body against Frankie’s. I allowed myself to enjoy thestrength of her arms around me.
“You know, Frankie,” I whispered. “There’s
things that happened to me because I’m a he-she that
I’ve never talked about to a femme. I’ve never had thewords.”
Frankie nodded. “You don’t need words withPH-HVV,NQRZµ
I shook my head. “I do need words, Frankie.
Sometimes I feel like I’m choking to death on what
I’m feeling. I need to talk and I don’t even know how.
Femmes always tried to teach me to talk about myfeelings, but it was their words they used for their
feelings. I needed my own words—butch words totalk about butch feelings.”
Frankie pulled me tighter. Tears welled up in myeyes. “I feel like I’m clogged up with all this toxic goo,Frankie. But I can’t hear my own voice say the words
out loud. I’ve got no language.”Frankie opened her arms wider, took more of
me in. I leaned my face against her arm. She offered
me refuge, the way I held Butch Al years ago in a jailcell. “Frankie, I’ve got no words for feelings that are
tearing me apart. What would our words sound like?”
I looked up at the sky. “Like thunder, maybe.”
Frankie pressed her lips against my hair. “Yeah,
like thunder. And yearning.”
I smiled and kissed the hard muscle of her
biceps. “Yearning,” I repeated softly. “What abeautiful word to hear a butch say out loud.”

Stone Butch Blues

301

25
“YOU MAKE YOUR OWN TRIP to Buffalo, andI’ll make my own trip home,” Ruth insisted.
“But why?” I couldn’t understand why she
refused Esperanza’s offer to lend us her car. “Yousaid you haven’t been home since your grandma died.
You’ve been saying you should visit. I could see where
you’re from. I want to see the lake and the hills andthe vineyards you talk so much about.”
Ruth sighed. “To you it’s pretty. But I escaped tosave my life. It’s not easy for me to go back there. I
want to do it alone.”
I shook my head. “I’ll just drop you off and getback on the Thruway to Buffalo. Where we’re goingis only two hours apart, and I can’t drive without alicense. We could pass as a nice married couple.”
5XWKPDGHDIDFH´-HVV\RXGRQ·WXQGHUVWDQG
You can’t just drive up to someone’s house and letthem off and drive away. I’ve got to introduce you.
They’ll offer you coffee.”
I grew sullen. “Oh, now I understand.”
5XWK·VDQJHUÁDUHG´1R\RXGRQ·W,·PQRW
ashamed of you.” Her voice dropped. “I’m ashamedof them sometimes.” I started to protest but she held
up one hand to stop me. “It’s a no-win situation. If
you like them a lot, I’ll be angry with you for notunderstanding why it was so hard for me to grow up
with them. And if you don’t like them, I’ll despise youfor not recognizing their worth.”
I shrugged. “OK, I get that it’s complicated. I’ll
drop the subject. But I’m going to Buffalo to visit.
,·YHJRWWRIDFHVRPHWKLQJVDQGÀQGP\PHPRULHVµ
Although I didn’t discuss it further, we bothknew the subject wasn’t dropped. I kept putting off
my trip, partly because I knew it could be painful, butmostly because I still hoped Ruth would come withme.
In early September I asked Esperanza if I
could borrow her car to make the trip. Ruth putteredaround the kitchen pretending not to hear us.
Days before I planned to leave I brought Ruth ahalf-gallon of mulled cider. She sat down in a kitchenchair next to me and stared at her mug. “When I getbeat up,” she began in a quiet voice, “it’s always worse
when it’s visible. It means other people can see I’ve
been hurt. That’s humiliating to me.”
I waited for her to continue. “My people aren’tbad,” she said. “I love them more since I left. Theylove me the best way they know how. I’m family. But
it’s hard, and I don’t want anyone who’s not family to
see it. I think they’d make you feel welcome as a guest,
but I’m not sure. If they were unkind to you, I’d hatethem for it. They’re not cruel. But it’s a big risk for me
because I could never forgive them if they hurt you.”
I stirred my cider with a cinnamon stick. “Whenare we leaving, Ruth?”
She looked surprised. “I didn’t say we weregoing.”
I smiled and nodded. “Yes, you did, honey.
Neither of us wrestle that hard with things we’re notready to take on.”

Ruth sighed and patted my hand. “Thursday.”ŶŶŶThe world is our restroom! That was our motto on thetrip upstate. We brought plenty of toilet paper so wewouldn’t need to risk a rest stop. We left the city wellbefore dawn on our six-hour trek. By the time the sun
VKRQH,ZDVVRKDSS\ZH·GPDGHWKLVGLIÀFXOWWULS
together.
Ruth packed muenster cheese sandwiches withsun-dried tomatoes and arugula on freshly baked
bread. We drank quarts of iced tea. The world is ourrestroom! we laughed.
Ruth’s face softened as I drove. She called out
the names of all the beautiful wild weeds. The anxietyof Manhattan melted into the distance behind us.
The upcoming tension was hundreds of miles ahead.
Somewhere between here and there Ruth and I reallymet each other all over again.
$VZHÀQDOO\WXUQHGRII WKH7KUXZD\DQG
headed toward Canandaigua Lake, Ruth grew visibly
excited. “See?” she pointed to a condominium
development. “That used to be Roseland Amusement
Park. Pull over. Let me drive now.” Ruth knew thoseroads like the veins on her hands.
Stone Butch Blues

303

:HSDVVHGÀHOGVRI VXQÁRZHUV´7KDW·VD
new crop since I grew up here.” I recognized thegoldenrod and purple asters that Ruth captured as
memories in her watercolors.
She pulled over near the lake and parked in aspace no wider than three car widths. “I could neverÀJXUHRXWLI WKLVODNHPLUURUHGP\PRRGVZLQJVRULI P\PRRGVUHÁHFWHGWKHFKDQJHVLQWKHODNH(YHU\square inch around the lake is private now except for
two little spaces like this one and the patch behind thecountry store. They’re even posting the hills now.”
She turned the key in the ignition and backed thecar out. “The summer people killed my daddy.” HerYRLFHZDVÁDWDQGFROG´$FRXSOHLQDFDUVWRSSHGRQ
a hairpin curve to watch the deer. My daddy swerved
to avoid them. Went off the road right over there.”
We drove past in silence. “I hate the summer people.
Only problem is, my mama’s one of them.” I didn’t
speak. Ruth knew what she was and wasn’t willing tosay. “Of course, my mama was a renter. Her people
weren’t yuppies. She fell in love with my daddy before
the summer passed. But if you loved that man, youknew he’d never leave this valley. He and my Uncle
Dale hear the hills calling them like lovers.”
Ruth smiled. “Funny thing. My mama’s a city
girl, but after my daddy died she stayed here in these304

Leslie Feinberg

hills he loved. I’m like him. My heart’s in these hills,
but I left for the city.”
We pulled up in front of a small home at theedge of the woods. A golden Labrador retrieverbarked and clawed at the screen door as Ruth turned
off the ignition. “This is Dale’s place.” She handed
me a piece of paper. “Here are directions to pick me
up at my mama’s house.”
I nodded. We sat in the car until our arrival was
acknowledged. “Robbie!” I heard Dale call out toRuth. “Robbie, you’re home!”
Ruth sighed. We both got out of the car. I
ZDWFKHGKRZWKHLUERGLHVÀWDVWKH\KXJJHGKRZ
their hands knew each other’s back and shoulders.
5XWKSXOOHGDZD\´'DOHWKLVLVP\IULHQG-HVV6KH
lives in Manhattan, too.”
The dog jumped up and licked my face. Dale
pulled his collar. “Bone, get off of him. Where’s yourmanners?” Dale shook my hand. His hand was hardand calloused within his gentle grip. “You all wantsome coffee? I just made some fresh.”My eyes lit up. Ruth shook her head. “You best
EHJRLQJµ6KHWROGPH´<RXWKLQN\RXFDQÀQG\RXU
way back to the Thruway?”
I laughed. “Yeah, follow the lake and make a left
DWWKHVXQÁRZHUVµ“You sure you don’t want to come in and rest up
a little while?” Dale asked. I looked at Ruth. Her face
was resolutely impassive.
“Thank you, Dale. But I still got a chunk ofdriving to do. I’m headed to Buffalo. Maybe I’ll see
you when I drive back to pick up Ruth.” I froze. Did I
make a mistake by calling her Ruth?
Dale nodded. “Well, you be sure to stop inaround suppertime if you do. I’ll make Dale’s famous
fried zucchini for you. Robbie’ll tell you I make it real
good. I got some killer zucchini out of my garden thisyear.”
Ruth sighed. I took it as my cue to leave. I got
back in the car and started it up. Dale still held onto
Bone’s collar and waved with his other hand. Ruth
looked at me with soulful eyes.
ŶŶŶThe streets of Buffalo were as familiar as my ownUHÁHFWLRQLQWKHPLUURU
I pulled up in front of the apartment building
where Theresa and I had lived. Her name wasn’t on
the mailbox anymore. I walked around back, half
H[SHFWLQJWRÀQGP\\RXQJVHOI VWLOOVLWWLQJRQDPLON
crate staring up at the sky, straining for a glimpse ofher own future. Here I was, back searching for her.

A memory suddenly gripped me: the look ofpain in Theresa’s eyes the night I was arrested in
Rochester. I covered my face with my hands so I
wouldn’t see it, but the image was behind my eyes. Let
it come, I thought to myself. It’s all there anyway. Let
it come up.
I walked to a pay phone on the corner and called
information. I wanted to keep the promise I had
made to Kim and Scotty to come back and visit. I
remembered how my coming had shaken Kim, rootand branch, and my leaving had hurt her most. Would
she remember me? Would Scotty? Did he become
WKHZLQG",FRXOGQ·WÀQGWKHLUQDPHVLQWKHSKRQH
book. Maybe they still lived at home with Gloria. Her
number was listed.
*ORULDFRXOGQ·WÀJXUHRXWZKR,ZDV´-HVVGoldberg,” I repeated. “We worked together at theprint shop. You let me stay at your house. I’m back in
town for a day or two, and I wanted to see Kim andScotty.”There was a long, long silence. Gloria’s voice
dropped to a hoarse whisper. “You leave my children
alone. Do you hear me?” The phone went dead in myhand. I stared at the receiver, stunned. Slowly I began
to realize that Gloria held the power to keep me fromÀQGLQJWKHNLGV,FDOOHGEDFN6KHKXQJXSRQPH
Stone Butch Blues

305

again. I slapped the glass wall of the phone boothwith my open hand over and over until it stung andburned. Then I kicked the glass as hard as I could. A
police cruiser pulled over to the curb.
“What’s going on?” a cop called out to me.
I took a deep breath. “Sorry. I just lost somemoney in it.”
“Let’s take it easy, son. It’s just a quarter.” He
waved and drove off. When he was out of sight I
kicked the glass over and over again. I told myself I’dÀQG.LPDQG6FRWW\HYHQLI ,FRXOGQ·WÀJXUHRXWKRZ
at the moment.
The operator gave me the address and phone
QXPEHUIRU%XWFK-DQ·VVWRUHRQ(OPZRRG$YHQXH%UDVVEHOOVWLQNOHGDV,RSHQHGWKHGRRUWRKHUÁRZHU
shop. I could smell the perfume of roses and lilies.
“Can I help you?” A familiar face looked up at
PH:HERWKVWRRGWUDQVÀ[HG´(GQDµ,ZKLVSHUHG
KHUQDPHRXWORXG+HUIDFHIUR]H,FRXOGQ·WÀJXUH
out what she was doing there, working behind the
FRXQWHU$QGWKHQ,UHPHPEHUHGVKHZDV%XWFK-DQ·V
ex-lover. They must be together again.
It wasn’t fair! I could understand if Edna left me
because she couldn’t be with anyone. But then how
FRXOGVKHEHZLWK-DQ"4XHVWLRQVPDGHP\IDFHEXUQ'RHVVKHWRXFK-DQ":DVLWMXVWPHVKHGLGQ·WZDQW"
306

Leslie Feinberg

How come everybody else is getting a happily-everafter?
It hurt so much to see her standing there I
wanted to run outside and get back in the car and go.
But I discovered an important piece of my dignity inthe way I held my body and in the soft strength in myvoice as I whispered, “Hello, Edna.”
She came out from behind the counter andstarted toward me. I stiffened my body involuntarily.
6KHSDXVHG´-HVV,·YHWKRXJKWDERXW\RXVRPDQ\times.”
I felt my anger rise up to block her words from
SHQHWUDWLQJP\GHIHQVHV´,FDPHWRVHH-DQ,VVKH
here?”
Edna chewed her lower lip. “She’s in thegreenhouse out back.” The phone rang. I took theopportunity to leave while Edna answered it. I leaned
against the cool brick outside the door. I’d thought
the pain might splatter me all over the walls of theshop, but it hadn’t. It just hurt, a lot.
'LG-DQNQRZ(GQDDQG,KDGEHHQORYHUV",·G
VRRQÀQGRXWThe greenhouse looked like a grownup’s
playhouse—a self-contained world. Humidity fogged
the glass inside. I opened the door and stepped over
the threshold. My boots sank into the wet straw

VWUHZQRQWKHÁRRU,WRRNDGHHSEUHDWKDQGLQKDOHG
the good smell of damp earth.
-DQEHQWRYHUDFUDWHRI YLROHWV,UHFRJQL]HGKHU
strong, broad shoulders. Her hair had turned to silver.
She rose and looked at me. Her glasses rested on topof her head. She slid them down to her nose. “Am I
getting so old I can’t trust my own eyes?” she asked.
´,VWKDWUHDOO\\RX-HVV"µ6KHZLSHGKHUKDQGVRQDWRZHODQGZHOFRPHGPHLQWRKHUDUPV-DQVWURNHG
my hair and kissed my head as I cried. “I’ve thought
about you so many times,” she whispered.
My lip quivered. “I didn’t really believe I lived inanyone’s memory except my own.”-DQSDWWHGP\FKHHN´,FRXOGQHYHUIRUJHW\RX
You were one of those baby butches I knew I’d growold with. How long you here for? Where are you
OLYLQJ"+RZ·G\RXÀQGWKLVSODFH"µ“Manhattan,” I answered. “Frankie told me
DERXW\RXUVKRS7KHUH·VVRPHWKLQJ,QHHGWRÀQGRXWZKLOH,·PKHUHLI ,FDQ,ZDQWWRÀQGRXWZKDWHYHUKDSSHQHGWR%XWFK$O,ZDQWWRÀQGRXWLI VKH·VVWLOO
alive.”-DQUXEEHGKHUIDFHDQGVXFNHGLQKHUEUHDWK´:HOOLI DQ\RQHFRXOGÀQGRXWLW·V(GQD'LG\RXVHH
(GQD"µ,ZDWFKHG-DQ·VIDFHDV,QRGGHG´(GQD·VVWLOO
in touch with Lydia, whose butch worked at the auto
plant with Al for a long time.”

My voice rose. “Do you think Lydia knows?”-DQVKUXJJHG´6KHPLJKW$QG(GQDNQRZVKRZWRÀQG/\GLDµ
I took a deep breath. “Would you ask Edna if
VKH·GÀQGRXW"µ,ZDWFKHG-DQ·VIDFHDVVKHVDLG´6XUH,·GEHKDSS\WRµ7KDW·VZKHQ,NQHZIRUVXUH-DQGLGQ·W
know Edna and I had been lovers. “Tell you what,”-DQVPLOHG´ZKDWVD\ZHDOOJHWWRJHWKHUWRQLJKWIRUD
drink?”
It sounded excruciatingly painful, andunavoidable. I nodded. “Maybe Frankie would wantto come too?”-DQVODSSHGPHRQWKHVKRXOGHU´*RRGLGHDµ
She wrote down the address of the bar.
:KHQ-DQRSHQHGWKHJUHHQKRXVHGRRUWKH
chilly air startled me. Her pick-up truck was parked
in the garage behind the store. Next to it was an old
7ULXPSKPRWRUF\FOH-DQIROORZHGP\H\HVWRWKH
bike. “I haven’t ridden it for a long time but I keep
it running. You want to use it while you’re here?” I
smiled and nodded emphatically. It had been years
VLQFH,VWUDGGOHGDPRWRUF\FOH-DQJULQQHGDVWKHELNH
sputtered to life. She squeezed my shoulder. “Youare a sight for sore eyes. It’s good to see you, kid.” I
ZDLWHGWLOOVKHZDVEDFNLQVLGHWKHÁRZHUVKRSEHIRUH
I whispered out loud, “I’m not a kid anymore.”
Stone Butch Blues

307

ŶŶŶ

We met that night in a working-class bar on theoutskirts of Buffalo. It had been a long time since
I’d been in a bar with lesbians. It was still early in theevening, so the place wasn’t packed yet. There wereabout twenty or thirty women in the front room. IÀJXUHGWKH\·GPRYHLQWRWKHEDFNURRPWRGDQFHVRRQ
Was it my imagination or were a few of the young
women butch, a few femme?
Everybody looked at me, and then each other,when I walked in, but nobody stopped me. I peeked
in the backroom, hoping that Edna wouldn’t be there
ZLWK-DQ6KHZDV7KH\ZHUHVLWWLQJDWDWDEOHZLWK)UDQNLHDQG*UDQW-DQURVHDV,DSSURDFKHGWKHWDEOH´-HVVµ,JXHVVHGVKHVWLOOGLGQ·WNQRZ(GQDGURSSHG
her eyes as I formally kissed her cheek. Frankie and I
hugged. Grant shook my hand. “Well, I’ll be damned.
Look who’s here!” She signaled the waitress. “What’s
everybody drinking?” Grant asked.
´-XVWDJLQJHUDOHIRUPHµ,VDLG,ZDQWHGWREH
clear-headed, especially with Edna at the table.
“You too good to have a drink with us
anymore?” Grant challenged.
“A whiskey,” Frankie interrupted. “Straight up,
so to speak.”
308

Leslie Feinberg´7ZREHHUVKHUHµ-DQVDLG´5LJKWKRQH\"µ
Edna stared at her lap and nodded.
We all sat in the uncomfortable silence.
-DQÀOOHGPHLQ´:H·UHWDONLQJDERXWZKDW
happened to all the old butches and femmes.”“I think we’re sort of underground,” I said
quietly. My heart was in the conversation Edna and I
weren’t having. “Waiting for a time when it’s safer tocome out.”
Grant sighed bitterly. “But some of these young
kids you can’t even tell what they are—goddamn
green hair and safety pins in their faces.” We all sighed
collectively.
“Grant,” I shrugged, “who cares?”“It just isn’t right,” Grant slapped the tabletop.
I laughed, which made her angrier. “Grant, that’s
what they said about us!”“Well, that’s different,” Grant said with a waveof her hand.
I leaned toward her. “There’s a lot of things I
couldn’t accept when I was younger, Grant, like thefact that there’s lots of different ways for butches tobe.” I watched her expression change. Frankie audibly
sucked in her breath. “But now I’m trying to accept
people as they are.”-DQWULHGWRFKDQJHWKHVXEMHFW6KHOHDQHGRYHU

and stroked the arm of my leather jacket. “Nice,” shesaid.
(GQDVKRWPHDQDODUPHGORRN,ÀQJHUHGWKH
soft, worn leather of Rocco’s armor. “Thank you.” I
closed the subject. Edna exhaled in relief.
“I’m sure glad I didn’t do those hormones,”
Grant announced.
I bit down hard on the plastic bar straw in mymouth. “Why’s that, Grant?” I braced myself.
“Well you’re sort of stuck now, aren’t you? Imean you’re not a butch or a guy. You look like aguy.”
Everyone at the table stiffened, but no one
answered her. I bent the straw into a circle. “Be
careful, Grant,” I warned her. “You’re looking at your
RZQUHÁHFWLRQµGrant laughed. “I ain’t like you. I didn’t do thechange.”My anger was greater than the situation called
for. I could taste it, bitter on my tongue. I leaned
forward. Everyone held their breath. My voice was
low and menacing. “How far are you willing to go,
Grant? How much of yourself are you willing to give
up in order to distance yourself from me?”Grant’s face betrayed her. She had felt my power
for a moment and it aroused her. I knew it had, I

could see it in her eyes. I knew a secret about Grant’s
desire and I wanted to wield it like a weapon. I wanted
butchness to be quantity, not a quality, so I could outbutch her.
*UDQWVWLUUHGKHUGULQNZLWKKHUÀQJHU+HUIDFH
ÁXVKHG(GQDDQG-DQVWDUHGDWWKHLUODSV,FRXOGIHHOFrankie silently pleading with me to let Grant off thehook.
I refocused on Grant and saw a beaten butch,
preserved in alcohol. I could smell her humiliation. I
remembered how she forced the men in the factories
to show her some respect. Slowly her belief that she
deserved it had eroded. And suddenly my own words
echoed in my ears: How much of myself was I willing togive up to distance myself from her?
“You know what I remember, Grant?” Everyone
looked up at me. “I remember when we unloaded
frozen food on the docks near the lake.” I glanced at
Edna. The faint smile on her lips was a gift for me.
Grant nodded. “Yeah, those were the good olddays, weren’t they?”
I shook my head. “Some of it was a nightmare. I
sure wouldn’t want to go back to the bar raids and the
GUXQNHQÀJKWV7KH\·UHRQO\JRRGROGGD\V·FDXVH,
don’t have to live them anymore.”
Grant leaned forward. “You wouldn’t want to go
back to those days?”
Stone Butch Blues309

I laughed. “Not even at gunpoint. The only
things I miss are the ways we stood up for each other,
how we tried to make a home for each other. And we
could do that right here.”
It was time to change the subject. I glanced over
DW(GQD´'LG-DQWHOO\RX,·PWU\LQJWRÀQGRXWZKDW
happened to Al?”
(GQDORRNHGXSDW-DQQRWDWPH-DQGURSSHG
her eyes. “Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, kid.”(GQDZDWFKHGWKHDQJHUÁDUHLQP\H\HV“Is she still alive?” I asked. Silence. I took a
GHHSEUHDWKDQGDGGUHVVHG-DQZLWKZRUGVPHDQWIRU
Edna to hear. “You know Al meant the world to me.
If I’d known I might never see her again, there’s a
lot of things I would’ve told her. When I was young,I thought I had all the time in the world. I don’t feelthat way anymore. If she’s still living, I want to see
her.”
Edna stared at her beer bottle, apparently
unmoved. I was so afraid I’d explode in anger that
I got up and stormed into the women’s bathroom
without realizing how long it had been since I’d been
inside of one. I splashed cold water on my face.
I was surprised when Edna came in. “I’m sorry,”
she said in a gentle voice. “I know you’re real mad at
me.”
310

Leslie Feinberg

We both knew she was talking about more thanAl, but I refused to admit it. “Goddamn it, Edna! I
don’t care if Al is on Death Row or married with kids
and wearing high heels. I love her and I want to seeher.” My teeth clenched. “I just want to say goodbye.
Is that so hard to understand?”
Edna shook her head. “No. It’s just hard to do.”
She put out her hand as though I were a dog that
PLJKWELWH´3OHDVH-HVV3OHDVHGRQ·WEHPDGDWPH
It’s just that some things are better left alone.”“I have a right to learn my own lessons.” I tried
to soften my voice. “Look, Edna. There’s some things
that eat me up more than pain—like always feeling
VRGDPQSRZHUOHVV,ZDQWHGWRÀQG7KHUHVDEXW
nobody can tell me where she went. I promised alittle girl years ago I’d come back, and her mother justrefused to tell me where she is. Now you’re telling me
Al is alive and I can’t see her.”
Edna turned away from me as I continued. “I’lltell you what I’m already discovering on this visit,
Edna. I can deal with a lot more pain than I realized.
But I don’t know where to go with this frustration. I
ZDQWWRÀQG%XWFK$Oµ“It’s not a good idea.” Edna said it so simply, likethe subject was closed.
“How dare you?” I raged at her. “You have noright to keep that information from me.”-DQRSHQHGWKHEDWKURRPGRRU)UDQNLHDQG*UDQWFDPHLQEHKLQGKHU-DQIURZQHG´,Veverything OK in here?” Edna and I were locked in aglare.
Grant rose to the occasion. “Let’s leave them
DORQHLQKHUHµVKHWXJJHG-DQ·VVOHHYH
-DQ\DQNHGKHUDUPDZD\´:KDW·VJRLQJRQLQ
here?” She was getting the picture.
I never took my eyes off Edna’s. My voice waswintry with irony. “Now you’re gonna protect me,
Edna? Now you’re gonna save me?”´'DPQ\RX-HVVµ(GQDZKLVSHUHG´'DPQ\RX
Al’s in the asylum.”
I opened my eyes wider. “On Elmwood Avenue?
She’s that close?”“Damn you,” Edna repeated as she stormed outof the bathroom.
)UDQNLHDQG*UDQWOHIW-DQDQG,DORQHIDFLQJ
each other. “Kid, I think you’d better leave right now,”-DQPXWWHUHGWKURXJKFOHQFKHGWHHWK“I’m not a kid anymore,” I told her as I pushed
my way out the door.
ŶŶŶI felt connected to the Triumph as I turned sharply
into the curves of the expressway. An old powerÁRZHGWKURXJKPH7KDWH[KLODUDWLRQGUDLQHGWKH
moment I cut the engine in the parking lot of theasylum. I took off my helmet and looked up at the
medieval building. Every window was latticed withiron bars. A cold shiver ran though me. But I wanted
to see Al more than I wanted to run away.
I’d spent a long, sleepless night in the backseat of Esperanza’s car, parked on the street across
IURP-DQDQG(GQD·VVKRS$OOQLJKWORQJ,WKRXJKW
about what I wanted to tell Al. But while I was going
through visitor intake I panicked because I couldn’t
remember what I’d wanted to say. I kept coming backto two simple things I’d never said out loud to her:Thank you and I love you.
As an elevator door opened, I tried to recall
ZKDWÁRRUWKHJXDUGWROGPHSixth Floor—it was
printed in bold letters on the big plastic visitor’s ID
I’d been given at some point in this process.
“Are you related?” I blinked. A nurse addressed
the question to me. I was standing at the nurse’s
station. It was time to pay attention.
“Her nephew,” I answered. She looked at charts
I couldn’t see. “Hmm,” she said.
“I haven’t seen my aunt for a long time,” I madeStone Butch Blues311

small talk nervously. “Is she well?” The nurse looked
at me over her spectacles.
“I mean …” I quit talking.
“I’m afraid she’s in therapy,” the nurse
concluded. “I don’t know who arranged your visit,
but it won’t be possible today.”All the color rose in my face. “I have to see her
today.”The nurse took off her spectacles and put one
end near her lips. “Why is that?”
For a moment I was afraid if I showed them
how upset I really was they might have the power to
NHHSPHKHUHWRR´,ÁHZKHUHMXVWIRUWKLVYLVLW,WZDVDUUDQJHGZLWKKHUIDPLO\P\IDPLO\,KDYHWRÁ\back to be at my job. I haven’t seen my aunt for a longtime. I’m afraid she might die without me ever having
seen her again. You see, it’s very important to me.”The nurse was taken aback. She looked around.
“Can’t I wait while she’s in therapy? How long
could it be? An hour? Fifty minutes?”“She’s in physical therapy, Mr. . . . umm.”
She was looking at Al’s chart and questioning myrelationship to her, I was sure of it. “Wait over there,
please,” she said, beckoning to some chairs.
,VDWDQGÀGJHWHG:KDWLI VKHNQHZ,ZDVQ·WDnephew, or called the family? Was cross-dressing still
312

Leslie Feinberg

a punishable crime? Could they use force to keep
me here? I felt their power over me. Most of all they
had the power to keep me from seeing Al. An hourpassed. I noticed the nurse whispering to a doctor. I
wanted out of here, but I didn’t want to leave without
Al.
“Mr. . . . umm,” the nurse was standing overme. I jumped to my feet. Without a word she turnedon her heels and walked off. I raced to catch up withher. As we got to a dayroom she stopped and pointed
toward a bank of windows.
I looked in that direction. “Ah, you said physicaltherapy? Is that why Al…Auntie is here?”“She suffered a stroke while she was here. She
has lost the use of one of her arms and leg.”“Can she walk?”
The nurse pushed her spectacles further up thebridge of her nose, signaling that the conversation
was nearing an end. “She does nothing. She sits andstares. I doubt she’ll recognize you,” she said over her
shoulder as she walked away. She left me standing,ÀOOHGZLWKGUHDGThe rays of light between the bars illuminated asnowstorm of dust particles. A dozen patients were in
the dayroom. A few spoke to themselves.
“Young man, you shouldn’t have come,” an old

ZRPDQFKDVWLVHGPH+HUJQDUOHGÀQJHUSRLQWHGDW
my nose in emphasis. “No good will come of it! I’ve
told you that before, over and over again. I told you, I
told you.” She was old and very beautiful, not in spiteof her age but because of it. I smiled and eased pasther, hoping she was not an Oracle.
It wasn’t hard to recognize Butch Al. She sat infront of the windows. She was slumped in the chair,staring either through the windows, or at them. I
couldn’t tell which. She was wearing a hospital gown
and slippers. The arm furthest from me was in aplastic brace. As I got closer I saw that she was tied tothe chair with a strip of a bed sheet.
“She doesn’t talk to mortals,” the Oracle said
behind me. “She listens to voices you can’t hear. She
can’t hear you.”
I smiled over my shoulder. “It’s OK,” I reassured
her, “I’m a ghost.”
The old woman came around and peered into
my face. “Why blessed be,” she exclaimed, crossing
herself. “That’s a real live ghost,” she announced topatients who did not seem to hear.
I pulled up a chair beside Al. In a way she hadchanged dramatically. Her hair was almost entirely
white and longer than I had ever seen it. If this were
the old days I’d tease her about looking like Prince

Valiant. Of course, if this were the old days she’d geta haircut.
I sat down next to her. Al’s face reminded meof a dried riverbed, etched by the currents of waters
WKDWQRORQJHUÁRZ+HUFKHHNORRNHGVRVRIW,KDG
to restrain myself to keep from stroking it. It felt
intrusive to be peering at her so closely, so I sat backin the chair. From another point of view Al had
hardly changed a bit. Everything about her seemedfamiliar and comforting.
I looked out the window. I wanted to see what
she was seeing and give her time to feel my presence.
The windows were half obscured by a brick wall withbarred windows. Part of the view looked out over
WKHSDUNLQJORW,I ,OHDQHGIRUZDUG,FRXOGVHH-DQ·V
motorcycle. I thought for a moment Al might haveseen me pull up and knew, somehow, that it was me.
Of course, this was my fantasy.
Beyond the parking lot was a strip of grass anda few trees. Seagulls wheeled and turned in the distantsky. I took everything in as though I had been looking
out at this view for years and had no hope of seeing
any other landscapes on the horizon. That’s when I
knew I was seeing exactly what Al saw. “Not much to
look at, is it?” I said out loud, almost to myself.
Al glanced at me for a moment. Her eyes were
Stone Butch Blues

313

glazed over as though she suffered from emotional
cataracts. Then she looked back at the windows.
I put my feet up on the windowsill and leaned
back. “Young man, please don’t do that,” a nurse
admonished me. I sat up, chagrined. Al glanced at me
again and looked away. For a moment I thought I saw
her smile, but I was wrong.
Al was locked up in a fortress. I didn’t know how
to scale its walls. I remembered a fairy tale about aprince who had to climb a mountain of glass to free
the woman he loved. I couldn’t remember how heaccomplished it.
Somewhere I read that people in comas can hearyou. I knew she wasn’t in a coma, but I didn’t think it
could hurt to talk to her.
I almost felt as if no time had passed. If I
FRXOGÀQGWKHULJKWZRUGVZHZRXOGMXVWSLFNXSWKH
conversation we’d ended a quarter of a century ago.
“Al,” I said softly. I looked around, but no one waspaying any attention to us, except the Oracle. “Al, it’sPH-HVV0D\EH\RXGRQ·WUHFRJQL]HPHEXWPD\EHLI 
you looked at me you would.”
Al didn’t move, but I pretended that her
presence was closer, that she was listening, in order tofocus what I was trying to say to her. “There’s things
I would have told you, Al, but I always thought I’d see
314Leslie Feinberg

you again. You know, that’s how kids are, they think
things are never gonna end.”
I thought Al nodded. Maybe it was my
imagination. I put my hand ever so gently on Al’s arm
DQGORRNHGORQJDQGKDUGDWKHUSURÀOH0LQXWHVODWHU
she turned and looked at me, then looked away. In
that brief moment I saw her peeking from behind awall.
“Al,” I tried to say, but I choked on the words.
I put my forehead down on her arm and cried. I justcouldn’t hold my body up anymore. I pushed the tears
EDFNGRZQDQGZLSHGP\H\HV,ÀVKHGDURXQGLQP\pockets for a Kleenex. One appeared before my eyes,
thrust forward by the Oracle. I nodded in thanks.
“Butch Al,” I said quietly, “if you can hear me,
please just nod, blink, do anything.”
She turned and looked at me.
“Al,” I smiled.
Her hand clamped on my arm like a claw, herface contorted with anger. “Don’t bring me back,” shegrowled.
“Run away, now!” the Oracle warned me.
“No,” I said. I could hear the fear in my voice. I
wouldn’t run from Al, I was willing to face anything.
This moment was all I had with her and it would be
my last.

“Don’t bring me back,” Al repeated. Her nails
FXWLQWRWKHÁHVKRI P\DUPV,WULHGWRFDOPGRZQSuddenly I understood what she was saying andI felt ashamed. How had Al survived? By forgetting,going to sleep, going away! She went underground,
hid for safety just as I’d done.
,IDFHGKHUJD]H+HUH\HVZHUHVWHHO\EXWÀOOLQJ
with tears. So were mine. I put my free hand gently
RYHUKHUÀQJHUVDQGWKH\EHJDQWRUHOD[“I’m sorry,” I said, “forgive me, Al. This wasVHOÀVK,GLGQ·WUHDOL]HXQWLOMXVWQRZWKDW,GLGWKLVIRU
me. I wasn’t thinking about how it would be for you.
People tried to tell me, and I didn’t listen.” I covered
my face with my hand. “Go back to wherever you go
to be safe, I won’t bother you anymore. I’m sorry.”“It’s OK, kid,” a familiar old friend’s voice said.
“It’s alright,” I looked up and saw Butch Al smilingat me. The tears streamed down my face. She wiped
them with one hand. I could feel the effort it took tolift her arm.
“You look nice,” she said. “Can anybody else seeyou, or just me?”
“I’m real, but only you can see me.”
Al looked over my head and then her eyes
lowered to mine. “You look young,” she told me.
I smiled. “I’m gonna be forty in a couple ofyears, if I play my cards right.”

Al nodded and turned back to the window.
“We’re from the old days.” She did remember!
An emotional storm cloud passed over her face.
She turned to me angrily. “Leave the old days alone.
Don’t bring me back, I’m dead.”
I pulled away from her and then forced myself
to lean forward again. “You’re not dead, Al. You justgot hurt real bad. You fought long and hard, but theyhurt you bad. You did real good.”
She turned her head toward me and let it droop.
Her hand grasped for my arm, “I just couldn’t, I just …
I …. ”
My voice dropped low, like a lover’s. “It’s OK
now, it’s alright. You did so good that now you get torest. It’s alright, Al.”She rested one hand on my head. The weight of
KHUKDQGPDGHPHIHHOOLNHDFKLOG´'LG-DFNLHJLYH
you that haircut?” I missed a beat, then I smiled andnodded.
Al squeezed my arm. “Kid, tell her I’m sorry.”,SXWP\KDQGRYHUKHUV´-DFNLHWROGPHVKH·V
QRWPDG$Oµ6KHVHDUFKHGP\IDFHIRUFRQÀUPDWLRQ
it was true. “It’s true,” I lied, “she said don’t worry.
She loves you, Al. There isn’t a day goes by she
doesn’t think about you, and so do I.” Al smiled andpatted my cheek.
Stone Butch Blues

315

“Al,” I said, but her spirit had left like windslamming a door shut. “Al?” She was staring out
the window. Her body temperature dropped several
degrees.
“She’s gone,” said the Oracle.
“Al,” I said, jiggling her arm. “Al, please, don’t
go. Not yet, please, just give me another minute.”
I hated myself for doing that. Only moments
before I had sworn I would let her go back to herpeace and now I was trying to drag her back again.
My lip started to quiver and then my whole chin.
My jaw ached. I had a second chance in life to tellher I loved her and then I blew it, just like I did as ateenager. And, like a kid, I didn’t want to leave until
she reassured me that she loved me too. I leaned
forward and put both my arms around her neck. “I’msorry,” I said. “I’ll leave you, Al.” The tears wouldn’t
stop. “It’s just that I came all this way, across all theseyears, to tell you how much I love you, and now it’s
too late.
“I wanted to thank you. If it wasn’t for you, I’dnever have known I had a right to be me. You taught
me enough to keep me alive all these years. There
isn’t a day goes by that I’m not grateful for everything
you gave me. You’ve meant so much in my life, Al. I
always wanted to grow up in a way that would make
316

Leslie Feinberg

you proud of me. Al, I loved you then and I love younow.”
I wiped tears off my arm twice before I realized
they weren’t coming from my eyes.
“I told you, you shouldn’t have come,” theOracle whispered over my shoulder.
“No, it was important to come,” I said. I stoodup and put my arms around Al again. I kissed her
gently on top of her head, and let my lips linger on
her hair.
“I love you, Butch Al.” I whispered.
The nurse watched me from the doorway. I
straightened up to go.
The Oracle crossed herself. “Blessed be,” shesaid, looking at me and shaking her head. Movingvery slowly, I took her hand in mine and kissed it
lightly. She dropped her eyes and blushed.
“Goodbye, Grandmother,” I told her, “thankyou for letting me come.”ŶŶŶI pulled the Triumph into the driveway behind Blue
9LROHWV,IRXQG-DQDQG(GQDLQVLGHWKHVKRS7KH\
ERWKORRNHGJULP(GQDZRXOGQ·WPHHWP\H\HV-DQ
smoldered. I walked outside behind the greenhouse

DQGZDLWHGIRU-DQWRIROORZ6KHVWRRGWKUHHIHHWDZD\IURPPH+HUÀVWVZHUHEDOOHGXSDWKHUVLGHV´:K\the fuck didn’t you tell me?” she demanded.
“It wasn’t my place,” I shrugged. “I didn’t wantto come between you two.”-DQFDPHFORVHU´:HOO\RXFRXOGQ·WLI \RXWULHGµ
I inhaled through clenched teeth. “Actually, I
know that. I couldn’t hold onto Edna. But am I gonnalose you too? I didn’t do anything to you. It’s not fair.”´)DLU"µ-DQVKRRNKHUKHDG´,WGRHVQ·WKDYHWR
be fair. I’ve got a right to be pissed.”“No, you don’t,” I shouted at her. “You’re theone that got her. You two have each other. I’m theone who has a right to be hurt.”“You went behind my back and fucked my girl!”-DQ\HOOHG
“What?” I slapped my thigh. “You must be
kidding! You and Edna hadn’t been lovers for twelve
years!”-DQREYLRXVO\PLVVHGWKHORJLF,VPLOHG´:KDW·V
so fucking funny?” she demanded.
I shrugged. “You’re mad at me for dating Edna adozen years after you broke up. I’m mad at Edna forgetting back together with you almost a decade after
she and I stopped seeing each other. You know what
I think?”-DQNLFNHGWKHFHPHQW´,GRQ·WUHDOO\JLYHDIXFN
what you think.”
I shrugged. “I’m gonna tell you anyway. I think
there’s not enough love to go around. I’ll tell you whatelse I think. We all go back a long way. We really needeach other, even if we’re real upset right now.” Myvoice softened. “I’ll speak for myself. I really need\RX-DQ,GLGQ·WEHWUD\\RX,·YHDOZD\VEHHQDIULHQG
to you.”-DQVKRRNKHUKHDG´-XVWOHWLWEHIRUQRZ'RQ·W
tell me I don’t have a right to feel what I’m feeling.”
I shrugged. “I’m just scared about losing you.
What if I gave it a little time and I tried to be braveand called you. Would you speak to me?”
-DQVLJKHG´*LYHLWWLPHµ,WRVVHGKHUWKHELNH·V
LJQLWLRQNH\DQGWXUQHGWRJR´<RXVHHKHU"µ-DQ
called after me.
“Yeah.”“She recognized you?” I nodded. “Was it hard?”
I could feel the sadness in my smile. “It would
have been hard either way. I almost couldn’t standthinking about strangers touching her, controlling her
body. I got real scared. When I was a kid I looked at
Al and I saw my future in her. I looked at her today
and thought maybe that’s my future, too.”-DQVKUXJJHG´<RXGRQ·WNQRZZKDW·VFRPLQJ
Stone Butch Blues317

down the road.”
My voice dropped low. “I was thinking about
Edwin’s suicide, too. I took it for granted that Ed
would always be around. Then she shot herself.
Suddenly I wanted another chance and it was too late,
she was gone. So I buried her in my memory because
it hurt too much. Maybe I was afraid her suicide was
my future, too.” I rubbed my face. “I’ve gotta go,-DQµ6KHQRGGHGDQGWXUQHGWRZDONEDFNLQVLGH´-DQ6D\JRRGE\HWR(GQDIRUPHZLOO\D"µ-DQDQVZHUHGPHRYHUKHUVKRXOGHU´'RQ·WSXVKyour luck, kid.”ŶŶŶI pulled onto the gravel in front of Ruth’s mother’shouse and waited in the car until someone cameto the door. Mist draped the hills. The surface ofCanandaigua Lake mirrored bright blue. I heard thefront door open. Patsy Cline was singing, Crazy forthinking that my love could hold you.
Ruth called out to me. “C’mon in, honey.” Shelooked happier and more relaxed than when I’d last
seen her.
Ruth introduced me to her mother—Ruth$QQH³DQGKHU$XQW+D]HO7KH\KDGMXVWÀQLVKHG
318

Leslie Feinberg

canning tomatoes. All three were wearing the same
VW\OHÁRUDOSULQWDSURQV7KH\KDGEHHQODXJKLQJuproariously as I entered the room. Hazel wiped tears
from her eyes. “We were just telling stories about theold days.”“Come sit in the kitchen, child. Have you eaten?
Can I make you a little something?” Ruth’s motherasked me. I glanced at Ruth. She smiled and nodded.
“Yes, ma’am. That’d be real nice.”“Call me Anne. Everybody calls me by mymother’s name. How about a big piece of elderberrypie?”“Oh, yes. Please!” Anne set down a huge wedgeof pie in front of me. “Eat it all, now. You’re agrowing boy.”
Ruth looked at me nervously. I told her with
P\H\HVLWGLGQ·WPDWWHU´0DPD-HVVLVP\IULHQG
from New York I told you about. She used to live in
Buffalo.”
Hazel rolled her eyes. “I don’t know how you
girls could live in that city with all them—”“Aunt Hazel,” Ruth’s tone cut her off midsentence.
“I didn’t mean anything by it,” Hazel said. “I justthink—”
Anne cut in. “Hazel, eat your pie.”I rolled my eyes with pleasure. “Did you makethis pie?”
Hazel smiled. “Anne makes the best elderberrypie in the Valley. You could ask anybody. You evertaste a pie that good?”
Ruth dropped her eyes. “Well,” I said, “I’ve eaten
Ruth’s elderberry pie.” I looked around nervously to
see if I’d upset anyone by using the name I knew myfriend by. Ruth shrugged. “I must say, ma’am, I cantaste the family inspiration in your child’s pie.”“Well, that was some fancy footwork.” Annesmiled as I devoured the pie.
Hazel rocked with laughter. “Anne, do you
UHPHPEHUWKHWLPH\RXVKRW\RXUÀUVWGHHU"µ+D]HObegan the story. “She was a city girl when she married
my brother Cody. First winter she was here, she was
KDUGO\JRRGIRUQRWKLQJ,·PJRLQJEDFNÀIW\\HDUVnow. So over breakfast one morning, my brother tells
her he’s gonna go hunting. He told her that deer meat
would help see them through the winter and sooner
or later she’d have to learn to prepare it. I had told her
I’d show her how. But she was willful. She told Cody:‘I’ll shoot the damn deer. That’s the easy part. You
clean the damn thing!’ Well, my brother just laughed
and went upstairs to shave.”
Anne picked up the story. “So, I was washingdishes, right over there,” she pointed. “I waswondering what the hell I’d gotten myself into
PDUU\LQJWKLVPDQLQWKHÀUVWSODFH$Q\KRR,ORRN
out the kitchen window and I see this buck standing
in the clearing outside. I didn’t even stop to think.
I got one of Cody’s guns and I shot that deer. I ran
outside and started dragging it by the antlers. It was
heavy, but I was so damn mad at Cody I had thestrength of a bull. Cody comes downstairs a few
PLQXWHVODWHUDQGWKHUH·VDEXFNRQWKHNLWFKHQÁRRU,
told him, ‘Now you clean the damn thing.’”
I knew laugher had rolled around the kitchen
this way all weekend long.
“Oh, I wish I’d a camera to show you Cody’s
face. I can see it now.” Anne hooted. Her smile
trembled. “I wish you could have met him,” she told
me. “I think you would have liked him a lot. He wasa real good man.” She sighed. “You want some morepie?”
I nodded emphatically. Ruth shook her head.
“You’re gonna be puking purple all over the car.”Anne put her hands on her hips. “This boy’s notleaving this valley without tasting my grape pie.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “Yes, ma’am.”“That’s better,” she said, putting an even larger
slab of pie in front of me.
Stone Butch Blues

319

Anne, Hazel, and Ruth hovered as I tasted theÀUVWELWH,VODSSHGP\FKHVW´,KDYHGLHGDQGJRQH
to heaven. This is the best pie I have ever eaten in mywhole life.”
Anne beamed. “Robbie, you take a couple of mypies home with you.”
Ruth shrugged. “I’ll make her my own pie,
Mama. I’m going upstairs to pack. Then we gotta go.”Anne called up the stairs after her. “Honey, lookin my cedar chest. Your grandma’s apron is in there.
You might want to take it with you.”Hazel went out back for wood. Anne struggled
to get up from her kitchen chair.
“It’s not easy getting old,” she told me.
I stood up when she did. “I’ve actually been
thinking about that. To tell you the truth, I never
expected to live this long.”
Anne came close to me. “It’ll come soon
enough. But you got the whole rest of your life aheadof you. You can’t waste time worrying about it.” Her
VPLOHIDGHG´<RX·UHDJOHDQHUWRRDUHQ·W\RX"-XVWOLNH
my Robbie. You know what a gleaner is?” I shook myhead.
“When the farmer’s done with the harvest, helets the gleaners come pick through whatever’s left.
I wanted more for my child than that. I expect you
deserve more, too.”
320

Leslie Feinberg

I shrugged. “Well, we’re doing it with all the
dignity we can. And Robbie—Ruth—she’s real loved
in New York City by her friends.”
Anne nodded without smiling. “She’s real loved
here, too. Folks may not understand her, and they may
not always know what to say, but they know she’s oneof us.”
5XWKFDPHGRZQVWDLUV´5HDG\-HVV"µ+D]HODQG
Anne hugged and kissed and fussed all over Ruth.
$QQHFDOOHGPH´-HVV\RXJHWRYHUKHUHQRZµ
She put her arms around me. Touch is something I
could never take for granted. “You come back hereanytime, you hear? And I’ll make you another grape
pie that’ll knock your socks off.”
I blushed. “Thank you.”“Take good care of my child,” she whispered.
I squeezed her shoulder. “Yes, ma’am.”
Ruth and I rode in silence through the vinecovered hills. I could smell grapes, the aroma of
KRPHIRU5XWK´<RXQHHGKHOSGULYLQJ-HVV"µVKH
asked sleepily.
I nodded. “Soon, I think.”“Then I’m gonna need some coffee. We should
KDYHÀOOHGXSWKHWKHUPRVEHIRUHZHOHIWµ
I looked at her nervously. “You think we shouldrisk stopping at a restaurant?”

She sat up and sighed. “We need coffee. Pullover to that diner. Let’s live dangerously.”
I laughed. “Yeah. Like we don’t already.”
No one paid any attention to us inside the diner.
0HQGUHVVHGLQÁDQQHODQGWUXFNHUV·FDSVVKDUHGWKHLU
own stories at booths and tables. The waitress looked
weary. We stood in front of the cashier, waiting topay, anxious to leave before there was trouble. A man
appeared from the kitchen. He couldn’t have been
more than three feet tall. He climbed up onto a stool
in front of the register and rang up our purchase. He
looked at Ruth’s face and then at mine. His expression
softened. Ruth and I looked at each other shyly, thensmiled at him. He beamed at us. “How’s your trip
going, gals?”
Ruth and I looked at each other wide-eyedand chuckled. I leaned closer. “It’s been an amazing
journey. And somehow we’ve survived it. So far,anyway. How about yours?”
His smile was a series of expressions. “It’s notwhat I thought it was gonna be, but it’s made me into
somebody I can live with.”
Ruth shook his hand. “Are you from aroundhere too?”
He nodded. “Born and bred here. My name’s
Carlin.”Ruth smiled. “I’m from Vine Valley. I’m Ruth.
-HVVLVIURP%XIIDOR:H·UHKHDGHGEDFNWR1HZ<RUN
City.”
His eyes brightened. “I want to get out of here.
I want to go to a big city where there’s never a dull
moment.”Ruth laughed. “Then Manhattan’s just the place
for you.”“Come with us,” I told him. “Come on! Let’s all
get in the car and go.”Carlin shook his head sadly. “Part of me wishes
I was the kind of person who could do that. But I’ve
got people here. I’d have to disengage slower thanthat.”
Ruth scribbled her name and phone number on
the back of a napkin. “Call us. Come visit. We’ll show
you why we love New York.”
I nodded. “We’ll show you why we hate it, too.”He leaned closer. “Are you gals really serious?”
I leaned forward till my forehead was almost
touching his. “We don’t have the time to waste on
being insincere.”Carlin patted my cheek. “How about a nice freshpeach pie for the road? Helen, bring me that pie,please.”As Carlin and Ruth shook hands, I saw how
Stone Butch Blues

321

beautiful his very small hand looked as it clasped hervery large hand. We all said our goodbyes.
Ruth and I got back in the car. I poured us eacha cup of coffee. “You think we’ll hear from Carlin?”
She nodded. “Oh, I’d bet on it.” Ruth rested her
KDQGRQP\DUP´+RZZDV%XIIDOR"'LG\RXÀQGwhat you were looking for?”I sighed. “I don’t know. Every time I go looking
IRUVRPHWKLQJ,ÀQGVRPHWKLQJHOVH,·OOWHOO\RX
about the trip later. I’m just too tired to sort it out
now. How about you?”
Ruth sighed. “It was a patchwork quilt.” Sheleaned over and kissed my cheek. I felt my color rise.
“It’s nice to remember where you come from. But
now I’m ready to go home,” she said.
5XWKVTXHH]HGP\KDQG´&·PRQ-HVV/HW·VJR
home.”

322

Leslie Feinberg

26
THE MOMENT I CLIMBED THE subway stairs at&KULVWRSKHU6WUHHW,KHDUGDQDPSOLÀHGYRLFHVD\WKH
words lesbian and gay. When I emerged to street level,
I found myself in the midst of a crowd of hundredsof people listening to speakers at a rally.
I’d seen gay demonstrations in the streets before.
I had always paused to watch from across the street,proud this young movement was not beaten back into
the closets. But I always walked away feeling outsideof that movement and alone. This time one voice
stopped me in my tracks. It was a young man who
took the mike and in a strong voice, trembling withemotion, described being restrained and forced towatch his lover being beaten to death with baseballbats by a gang. “I watched him die there on the
sidewalk,” he cried, “and I couldn’t save him. We haveto do something. This can’t keep going on.”

He handed the microphone to a woman whose
hair was wrapped in bright African fabric. She urged
others to come up and speak.
A young woman from the crowd climbed
up on the stage. “There were these guys in myneighborhood in Queens.” Her voice could hardly
be heard, even with the microphone. “They used toyell things at me and my lover. One night, I heard
them behind me. I was alone. They pulled me into theparking lot behind the hardware store and raped me. I
couldn’t stop them.”
Tears streamed down my face. The man next to
PHSXWKLVKDQGRQP\VKRXOGHU+LVH\HVZHUHÀOOHG
with tears, too.
“I never told my lover what happened,” shewhispered into the microphone. “I felt like we’d haveboth been raped if I told her.”As she climbed down from the stage I thought:
This is what courage is. It’s not just living through thenightmare, it’s doing something with it afterward. It’sbeing brave enough to talk about it to other people.
It’s trying to organize to change things.
And suddenly I felt so sick to death of my own
silence that I needed to speak too. It wasn’t that there
was something in particular I was burning to say. I
didn’t even know what it would be. I just needed toopen my throat for once and hear my own voice. And
I was afraid if I let this moment pass, I might neverbe brave enough to try again.
,PRYHGFORVHUWRWKHVWDJHQHDUHUWRÀQGLQJ
my voice. The woman who was chairing looked atme. “Did you want to speak?” I nodded, dizzy with
anxiety. “C’mon up, brother,” she urged me.
My legs could hardly get me up on stage. I
looked at the hundreds of faces staring at me. “I’m
QRWDJD\PDQµ0\RZQDPSOLÀHGYRLFHVWDUWOHGPH
“I’m a butch, a he-she. I don’t know if the people
who hate our guts call us that anymore. But thatsingle epithet shaped my teenage years.” Everyone gotvery quiet as I spoke, and I knew they were listening;
I knew they had heard me. I spotted a femme woman,
about my age, who stood near the back of the crowd.
She nodded as I spoke, as though she recognized me.
Her eyes were warm with memories.
324

Leslie Feinberg“I know about getting hurt,” I said. “But I don’t
have much experience talking about it. And I know
DERXWÀJKWLQJEDFNEXW,PRVWO\NQRZKRZWRGRLW
DORQH7KDW·VDWRXJKZD\WRÀJKW·FDXVH,·PXVXDOO\outnumbered and I usually lose.” An older drag queen
on the edges of the protest slowly waved her handback and forth over her head in silent testimony.
“I watch protests and rallies from across thestreet. And part of me feels so connected to you all,but I don’t know if I’m welcome to join. There’s lotsof us who are on the outside and we don’t want to be.
We’re getting busted and beaten up. We’re dying out
here. We need you—but you need us, too.
“I don’t know what it would take to reallychange the world. But couldn’t we get together and
WU\WRÀJXUHLWRXW"&RXOGQ·WWKHwe be bigger? Isn’t
WKHUHDZD\ZHFRXOGKHOSÀJKWHDFKRWKHU·VEDWWOHVVR
that we’re not always alone?”
I got the same thunderous applause that thosegathered gave each person who found the courage to
speak. To me, the applause was an answer: yes, it waspossible to still hope. This rally didn’t change night
into day, but I saw people speaking and listening toeach other.
When I handed the mike to the woman who
was chairing, she put her arm around me. “Good foryou, sister,” she whispered in my ear. No one had evercalled me that before.
I stepped down and made my way through thecrowd. Hands reached out and shook mine or patted
me on the shoulder. A young gay man who was
SDVVLQJRXWOHDÁHWVVPLOHGDQGQRGGHGDWPH´7KDW
was really brave to get up there and say that.”
I laughed. “You don’t know the half of it.” HeKDQGHGPHDOHDÁHWFDOOLQJIRUDSURWHVWDJDLQVWWKH
government’s neglect of the AIDS epidemic.
“Hold up,” I heard someone say. A young butchextended her hand to me. She reminded me so muchof my old friend Edwin that for just a split second I
thought Ed had come back to life to give me anothershot at friendship.
“My name’s Bernice. I really liked what you
said.” I shook her hand and found her power in thesureness of her grip. “You been out a long time,huh?” she asked me.
I didn’t know if she meant how long I’d been
gay or how long I’d stood and watched the gay
movement from the outside. Both were true.
“There’s lesbian dances at the Community
Center on the third Saturday of each month. I could
introduce you to some of my friends. Maybe we could
talk.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know if I can deal witharguing my way into a women’s dance.”
Bernice shrugged. “We could meet you outside.
We could all go in together. My friend’s on the door.
Nobody’ll hassle you if we’re all together. That’s partof what you were talking about, isn’t it?”I laughed. “I didn’t quite expect to see it rightaway.”
Bernice shifted from foot to foot. “So what doyou say? You wanna come?”“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m scared, but I do want togo.”“Cool,” she said. “Here’s my number. Give me acall.”
I climbed up on the rim of a garbage can andlooked around the edges of the crowd for the femme
woman whose eyes had recognized me.
She was gone.
I hurried home and ran up the stairs two at atime. “Ruth,” I knocked on her door. “Open up.”
6KHORRNHGDODUPHG´-HVVZKDWLVLW"µ“I spoke, Ruth. There was this rally in Sheridan
Square and they let people get up and talk and I did.
I spoke, Ruth. In front of hundreds of people. I wish
you could have been there. I wish you could haveheard me.”Stone Butch Blues

325

Ruth wrapped her arms around me and sighed.
“I have been hearing you, honey,” she whispered
in my ear. “Once you break the silence, it’s just the
beginning.”“Can I use your phone?”
She shrugged. “Sure.”
I knew exactly who I wanted to see. I called theXQLRQRIÀFHRQth Street and asked for Duffy. I
recognized his voice right away. Its familiarity warmedPH´'XII\LW·VPH³-HVV-HVV*ROGEHUJµ´-HVV"µ+HVSRNHP\QDPHLQDUXVKRI DLU´2K
-HVV,·YHKDGDQDSRORJ\LQP\PRXWKIRUDORQJWLPH
Can you forgive me for exposing you on the job theway I did?”I smiled. “Oh, I forgave you a while ago. But I’m
all excited today. I want to talk to you. I want to see
you right this minute.”
Duffy laughed. “Where are you? How did you
NQRZZKHUHWRÀQGPH"µ“I’m living here. Frankie told me where you
worked.”“How long would it take you to get here?” heasked.
I checked my watch. “Fifteen minutes, tops.”“There’s a restaurant on 16th, on the west side ofUnion Square. I’ll meet you there.”
326Leslie Feinberg

I had wondered if Duffy and I would stillrecognize each other. Of course we did. He spottedme the moment he walked into the restaurant. I stood
XSDVKHDSSURDFKHGWKHERRWK´-HVVµ+HVKRRNP\
KDQG+LVH\HVLPPHGLDWHO\ÀOOHGZLWKWHDUV´-HVV,·YHwaited years to tell you how sorry I am.”“It’s alright, Duffy. I know you didn’t do it on
purpose. It was just a mistake.”
Duffy dipped his head. “Can I have anotherchance?”I laughed. “You haven’t used up your chances
yet.”
Duffy dropped his eyes. “I think in all the years
I’ve organized it might have been the biggest mistake
I’ve ever made. And all I could think about was what
I’d cost you. I would have done anything to make
\RXUOLIHHDVLHU-HVV$QG,VFUHZHGXSVREDG,·P
sorry.”
I smiled. “You know, Duffy, there’s this person I
love named Ruth. She’s different like I am. One time
I got beat up and she called me in sick to work andshe did the same damn thing. I know I was real madat you at the time. But even then I knew you werealways on my side. There weren’t that many people I
could count on to stand with me, but I always knew
you were one of them. Hey, how about the mistakes I
made that you let slide?”

'XII\VPLOHGDQGFKHZHGKLVOLS´7KDQNV-HVVYou let me off real easy.”
I laughed. “Well, you’ve always been a goodfriend.” He blushed. “Sit down, Duffy.”
We caught up quick by painting our lives inbroad strokes.
“Got red-baited out of the bindery where
we used to work,” Duffy explained. “I got kind of
burned out, drank too much. Then I quit drinking
and got that job organizing, and I’m still working forthe same union.”
I told him I’d stopped taking hormones andmoved to New York City and now I was a typesetter.
“Nonunion?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. When the computers came on
WKHVFHQHWKHRZQHUVFRXOGVHHÀUVWKRZLWZDVJRLQJto transform the old hot-lead industry. So they hired
all the people the old craft union didn’t realize were
important to organize. That’s how they broke theback of Local 6.”
He looked right at me in a way that made me
XQFRPIRUWDEOH´,W·VEHHQUHDOKDUGIRU\RX-HVV
hasn’t it?” I shrugged and nodded.
“It shows in your face,” he said. “You look lessscared but more hurt.” Strange, him knowing me likethat.

I changed the subject. “Something incredible
happened to me today, Duffy. I got up in front of arally and talked over a microphone. I wanted to tellthem how it was in the plants, how when a contract’s
almost up management works overtime trying todivide everybody. I didn’t know if they’d get what I
meant if I said it took the whole membership to win
the strike.”
Duffy smiled. “Yeah, and nowadays it takes
more than just one union to win.”
I sighed. “I came to ask you if you think it’s
possible to change the world? Or do you think it’salways gonna be a defensive battle?”'XII\QRGGHGYHU\VORZO\´<HDK-HVV,UHDOO\
do believe we can change the world. It’s changing all
the time, only a lot of the time it’s getting worse. I’m
not just an optimist. I think conditions are gonna
PDNHLWLPSRVVLEOHIRUXVQRWWRÀJKWWRFKDQJH
things.”'XII\VPLOHGDV,SRXQGHGP\ÀVWRQWKHWDEOH
“I want to understand about change—I don’t justwant to be at the mercy of it. I feel like I’m waking
up inside. I want to know about history. I have all thisnew information about people like me down throughthe ages, but I don’t know anything about the ages.”
Duffy leaned forward in the booth. “That’s theStone Butch Blues

327

-HVV,UHPHPEHU³WKHKXQJU\RQHWKHRQHZKR·VUHDG\WRGREDWWOHµ,ODXJKHG´6R-HVVZK\GRQ·W\RXconsider working with me as an organizer.”“What?” I shouted.
'XII\KHOGXSERWKKDQGVOLNHVKLHOGV´-XVW
think about it. You were always an organizer. I know
it would be complicated, but your life has always beenthat way. I know it would be hard for you to organize
openly as a woman. But maybe you could. I’d backyou up all the way. There’s some others I think also
would. And if that’s too hard, then you could tell me
how you wanted to do it and I promise I won’t messit up.”
Duffy pounded the table with the heel of hishand. “You’ve got a power you’ve hardly used yet. But
you can’t do it alone. I really think there’s people whoare ready to stand with you now. I think we can makethem understand.”I exhaled slowly. “I don’t know, Duffy. This hopething is kind of new for me. I’m a little afraid to get
my hopes up too much all at once.”
Duffy shook his head. “I’m not saying we’ll
OLYHWRVHHVRPHVRUWRI SDUDGLVH%XWMXVWÀJKWLQJfor change makes you stronger. Not hoping for
DQ\WKLQJZLOONLOO\RXIRUVXUH7DNHDFKDQFH-HVV
You’re already wondering if the world could change.
328

Leslie Feinberg

Try imagining a world worth living in, and then ask\RXUVHOI LI WKDWLVQ·WZRUWKÀJKWLQJIRU<RX·YHFRPHWRRIDUWRJLYHXSRQKRSH-HVVµ“Wow,” was all I could say. “I got to think about
all of this.”+HVPLOHG´7DNH\RXUWLPH-XVWWKLQNDERXWLW
I’ve got to go back to work,” he said. “If you’re free
tomorrow night, I’ll buy you supper. Let’s talk somemore.”“Let me check my schedule.” I squeezed my eyes
shut. “Yup,” I opened them. “I’m free. You’re on.”Duffy handed me a book titled Labor’s Untold
Story. I opened the cover. Inside he’d written: To Jess,with great expectations. “It’s a book I always wanted togive you,” he explained. “Lucky I had it in my desk
drawer when you called.”
I thought back to the autobiography of Mother-RQHVKH·GJLYHQPH\HDUVDJRDQGLQVFULEHGWKHVDPH
way. “Does this mean I get another chance?” I asked.
He smiled warmly. “You haven’t begun to use up\RXUFKDQFHV-HVVµWe both stood up and shook hands. He turned
to go. “Hey, Duffy. I once asked you a question andyou never answered it. Are you a communist?”
Duffy turned around slowly. “I don’t knowwhat that word means to you, so I don’t know whata yes would mean. What do you say we sit down oversupper and I’ll tell you how I see the world and myplace in it?”
I nodded. “Fair enough.”ŶŶŶIt was hot that night, almost too unbearable to sleep.
7KHDLUSUHVVXUHDQGKXPLGLW\PDGHLWGLIÀFXOWWR
breathe. Thunder rumbled in the distance. I thought
about how my life was changing, in little ways and big
ways.
And I thought about Theresa. I’d never writtenthat letter she’d asked me for. Could I write it
someday soon? What would I say? Where could I
send it?
The rain pelted my windows. As I fell asleep
thinking about the letter, lightning bolts streaked thesky. During the night I had this dream:,ZDONHGDFURVVDYDVWÀHOG:RPHQDQGPHQDQGFKLOGUHQVWRRGRQWKHHGJHVRI WKHÀHOGORRNLQJDWPHVPLOLQJDQGQRGGLQJI headed toward a small round hut near the edge of the woods. I
had a feeling I had been in this place before.
There were people who were different like me inside. We
FRXOGDOOVHHRXUUHÁHFWLRQVLQWKHIDFHVRI WKRVHZKRVDWLQWKLV
circle. I looked around. It was hard to say who was a woman,

who was a man. Their faces radiated a different kind of beauty
than I’d grown up seeing celebrated on television or in magazines.
,W·VDEHDXW\RQHLVQ·WERUQZLWKEXWPXVWÀJKWWRFRQVWUXFWDWJUHDWVDFULÀFHI felt proud to sit among them. I was proud to be one ofthem.
$ÀUHEXUQHGLQWKHFHQWHURI RXUJDWKHULQJ2QHRI WKH
oldest in the circle caught my eyes. I didn’t know if she was a man
or a woman at birth. She held up an object. I understood I was
supposed to accept the realness of this object. I looked more closely.
It was the ring that the Dineh women gifted me with as an infant.
I felt an urge to leap to my feet, to plead for the ring to be
returned to me. I restrained the impulse.
She pointed to the circle the ring cast on the ground. I
nodded, acknowledging that the shadow was as real as the ring.
She smiled and waved her hand in the space between the ring andits shadow. Isn’t this distance also real? She indicated our circle. I
looked at the faces around me. I followed the shadow of her hand
DJDLQVWWKHZDOORI WKHKXWVHHLQJIRUWKHÀUVWWLPHWKHVKDGRZV
surrounding us.
She called me to the present. My mind slipped back to thepast, forward to the future. Aren’t these connected? she asked
wordlessly.
I felt my whole life coming full circle. Growing up so
different, coming out as a butch, passing as a man, and then backto the same question that had shaped my life: woman or man?
Stone Butch Blues

329

The sound of a street argument, born offrustration, woke me from sleep. I didn’t want tocome back to this world. I struggled to return to the
dream, but I was wide awake. It was near dawn. I
unlocked the bedroom window and crawled out on
WKHÀUHHVFDSH7KHFRRODLUIHOWJRRG,FORVHGP\eyes.
I recalled the night Theresa and I broke up, how
I stared into the night sky, straining for a glimpse of
my own future. If I could send a message back intime to that young butch sitting on a milk crate, itwould be this: My neighbor, Ruth, asked me recently
if I had my life to live all over again would I makethe same decisions? “Yes,” I answered unequivocally,“yes.”
I’m so sorry it’s had to be this hard. But if I
hadn’t walked this path, who would I be? At the
moment I felt at the center of my own life, the dreamstill braided like sweetgrass in my memory.
I remembered Duffy’s challenge. Imagine a world
ZRUWKOLYLQJLQDZRUOGZRUWKÀJKWLQJIRUI closed my eyes
and allowed my hopes to soar.
I heard the beating of wings nearby. I opened
my eyes. A young man on a nearby rooftop released
his pigeons, like dreams, into the dawn.

330

Leslie Feinberg

Author Notes on the 20th
anniversary Edition
Leslie had hoped she would be able to write an introduction tothis 20th anniversary edition of Stone Butch Blues. But before
she was able to do so, she went into hospice care at home. The
notes below are a combination of material Leslie had alreadywritten and notes I typed sitting by her bedside as she continued
to work. Leslie said of the Author Notes: “This was the best I
could do.”Leslie died at home on November 15, 2014. For moredetails on Leslie’s health, go to “Casualty of an undeclaredwar,” her research notes on the Lyme/+ epidemic at:www.transgenderwarrior.org
You can read a short account of her life, which
she and I wrote together, at: http://www.workers.org/
articles/2014/11/18/leslie-feinberg/—Minnie Bruce Pratt

NOTES FROM THE AUTHORSTONE BUTCH BLUES
20th Anniversary Edition
FALL 2013
I HAD HOPED TO WRITE an introduction toplace this novel within its social and historical context,
the last half of the 20th century. Context is everythingin politics, and Stone Butch Blues is a highly politicalpolemic, rooted in its era, and written by a white
communist grass-roots organizer.
I’m so ill, however, that at the time of
publication I am only able to write these three brief
notes.

Stone Butch Blues333

ON LANGUAGE

ON PRONOUNSThe use of the word “transgender” has changed over
the two decades since I wrote Stone Butch Blues.
Since that time, the term “gender” hasincreasingly been used to mean the sexes, rather thangender expressions. This novel argues otherwise.
I have been isolated by illness from discussions
about language for more than half a decade.
So I can only note that, like planes, trains andautomobiles, the same technological vehicles ofhormones and surgeries take people on different
journeys in their lives—depending on whether theiroppression/s is/are based on sex/es, self/gender
expressions, sexualities, nationalities, immigration
status, health and/or dis/abilities, and/or economic
exploitation of their labor.
I agree with CeCe McDonald, who wrote from aprison cell:

I respect each person’s pronoun as an important partof their personhood. My own pronoun usage has had
to be complex because of overlapping oppressions.
But in recent years, I have become as concernedwith the pronoun we as I am with the pronouns she, heand ze.
I am including links to two articles I wrote after
Stone Butch Blues, which are about the pronoun we:“We need for our mission to promote racial,social, and economic justice for trans youth,
ZLWKIUHHGRPWRVHOIGHÀQHJHQGHULGHQWLW\DQG
expression.”
Nov. 16, 2012, http://supportcece.wordpress.com/
334

Leslie Feinberg“Many Histories Converged at Stonewall: Lavender &Red 71”
http://www.workers.org/2006/us/lavender-red-71/“Honoring LaTeisha Green”
http://www.transgenderwarrior.org/ltgreen

Photo credit: Leslie Feinberg‘Family and supporters of LaTeisha Green’&HQWUDO1HZ<RUN3ULGH6\UDFXVH-XQH

ON REVISION
Everything that exists is subject to change anddevelopment.
This 20th Anniversary Edition of Stone Butch
Blues is as close to the original as possible.
%XWWKHWHFKQRORJLHVWKDWSURGXFHGWKHÀUVW
edition were too old to use in recovering the original
printed text. The novel had to be turned into a new
digital manuscript. It had to be retyped from the print
edition, proofread numerous times and copy-edited.

I wrote the novel on a borrowed laptop, I wrote
it at night after work, I was told to cut it by a third
just before it went into production, and I wasn’t as
trained as I am now at copyediting.
For twenty years, typos, missing copy and othersmall mistakes have marred the novel and have mademe stop and say out loud when I was reading fromthe book in public: “That was a mistake!” This new
HGLWLRQKDVDOORZHGPHWRÀ[WKRVHHUURUVAs my eyesight destabilized and I became so sickI couldn’t re-read the novel, Minnie Bruce and proofreader Becca Shaw Glaser went through the book,found questions and brought those to me. I made alldecisions about errors that were found in the original.
I have always approached editing and copyediting and revision—my own work and that ofothers—with great respect for the original text. I
brought that same ethic to this new edition of Stone
Butch Blues.
,I LWZDVQ·WEURNHQ,GLGQ·WÀ[LW,·PQRWRI WKH
VFKRRORI ÀOPPDNHU*HRUJH/XFDVZKRZHQWEDFNWR
Star WarsDQGFKDQJHGZKRVKRWZKRÀUVWThe poet/writer who most meaningfully sums
up for me the guiding ethics of revision is Audre
Lorde, who said a revision should make the work
“more of what it needs to be in order to do theemotional work it was intended to do.”Stone Butch Blues

335

AUTHOR AFTERWORD:
EXCERPTSSTONE BUTCH BLUES
10th Anniversary Edition
2003
ON THIS, THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY of the
publication of Stone Butch Blues,·YHMXVWÀQLVKHGUHDGLQJWKHQRYHOIRUWKHÀUVWWLPH'RHVWKDWVRXQG
odd to you?
I wrote this narrative from the inside, awash inits depths, towed by its currents. By the time I held
the blues in my hands the inked words seemed likefaint animal tracks on a smooth landscape, a cold trail
I couldn’t follow.
Now, a decade later, I am surprised. Astonished
336

Leslie Feinberg

to be reintroduced to characters that I birthed, who
OLNHDQ\RQH·VJURZQFKLOGUHQGHYHORSHGÀFWLRQDOOLYHV
of their own, independent from mine. I discovera journey not identical to my life’s path, and yet
blazed with the intimate familiarity of my own lived
experience. I locate theory—the way it is lived—in motion and in interconnection. Not hard tounderstand; hard to live.
$QG,IHHOWKHKHDWRI WKHLQH[WLQJXLVKDEOHÀUHof resistance to oppression.
/LNHP\RZQOLIHWKLVQRYHOGHÀHVHDV\FODVVLÀFDWLRQ,I \RXIRXQG6tone Butch Blues in abookstore or library, what category was it in? LesbianÀFWLRQ"*HQGHUVWXGLHV"/LNHWKHJHUPLQDOQRYHOThe
Well of LonelinessE\5DGFO\IIH-RKQ+DOOWKLVERRN
is a lesbian novel and a transgender novel—making“trans” genre a verb, as well as an adjective.

´,VLWÀFWLRQ"µ,DPIUHTXHQWO\DVNHG,VLWWUXH"
Is it real? Oh, it’s real all right. So real it bleeds. And
yet it is a remembrance: Never underestimate the
SRZHURI ÀFWLRQWRWHOOWKHWUXWKWhen Stone Butch Blues was published, I thought
I would keep cartons of copies in my closet to giveout to people who were ready to read it. But thisbook, like the movements for social change it was
inextricably connected with, exploded the closet door
off its hinges.
Since then I’ve received the gift of hundredsof thousands of letters, emails, and phone calls;
heartfelt emotions shared by individuals I’ve met at
rallies, universities, colleges. I’ve been stopped bystrangers—in places from a gas station in rural Iowa
WRDVKRSSLQJPDOOLQ-HUVH\&LW\7KHVHSHRSOHPDQ\of whose life battles do not seem to be related in any
way, shape or form to oppression based on sexuality,
gender or sex, took time and care to explain to me
the impact the book made on their thinking, theirdecisions, their actions.
People who have lived very different lives
have generously related to me the similarities theyrecognized in these pages with their own struggles—
the taste of bile; the inferno of rage—transsexual
men and women, heterosexual crossdressers andbearded females, intersexual and androgynous people,
bi-gender and tri-gender individuals, and many other
H[TXLVLWHO\GHÀQHGDQGH[SUHVVHGLGHQWLWLHVPerhaps what resonates most for me are reportsthat copies of Stone Butch Blues are passed around in
prison cell blocks until they are worn and tattered.
This book has journeyed to lands that I have notyet seen. Letters and emails have traveled to me fromthe tip of South America to the far reaches of theNorth, from Africa to Asia. The novel is translated
into German and Dutch. The Chinese-language
edition, with a preface I wrote for readers there, hasbeen serialized in Taiwan’s leading daily newspaper,
recommended as reading for teenagers and adults
alike. And more translations are in the works.
Has publishing this novel changed my life? Yes.
And no. It hasn’t altered the trajectory of my life.
$V,ÀQLVKHGZULWLQJStone Butch Blues I had already
lived in the vortex of the left-wing LGBT liberation
current for 30 years. I’d been a revolutionary activist
for more than 20 years; a weekly journalist andeditor for Workers World newspaper. I had fought
against Pentagon wars of aggression. Supported
Palestinian self-determination. Worked to defend
SROLWLFDOSULVRQHUVOLNH0XPLD$EX-DPDODQG/HRQDUG
Peltier. Been a leading organizer of the 1974 March
Stone Butch Blues

337

Against Racism in Boston. Toured the country in1984 speaking about the AIDS crisis. I’d mobilized
to stop the Nazis and Klan, helped protect women’s
reproductive rights, and made national rallies anddemonstrations more accessible to Deaf and disabledactivists. …
I leave it to historians, herstorians andhirstorians to analyze the changes in the decade since
this novel was written, and to place the publication ofStone Butch Blues within broad and persistent social andpolitical efforts to right societal wrongs.
%XWZLWKWKLVQRYHO,SODQWHGDÁDJ+HUH
I am—does anyone else want to discuss theseimportant issues? I wrote it, not as an expression ofindividual “high” art, but as a working-class organizer
PLPHRJUDSKVDOHDÁHW³DFDOOWRDFWLRQ:KHQDWP\ÀUVWSXEOLFERRNVWRUHUHDGLQJVRPHRQHDVNHGPHWR
sign a copy of the book for a friend who was too shy
to speak to a published author, it broke my heart. My
life’s work is about elevating collective organizing, notelevating individuals. …
Stone Butch Blues is a bridge of memory. The
immense human toll of the AIDS epidemic, and of
oppression as a whole, have created a gaping chasm;
virtually generations lost. As a result, the history ofsocial movements and their lessons are episodicallyrecalled.
338

Leslie Feinberg

Recovering collective memory is itself an actof struggle. It allows the generational currents of
WKHZKLWHFDSSHGULYHURI RXUPRYHPHQWWRÁRZ
together—the awesome roar of our many waters.
$QGWKHFRXUVHRI RXUPRYHPHQWLVQRWÀ[HGLQLWV
banks like the Hudson River—it is ours to determine.
From Selma to Stonewall to Seattle, we who believe in
freedom will not rest until every battle is won.
,DPW\SLQJWKHVHZRUGVDV-XQHVXUJHV
with Pride. What year is it now, as you read them?
What has been won; what has been lost? I can’t see
from here; I can’t predict. But I know this: You areexperiencing the impact of what we in the movement
WDNHDVWDQGRQDQGÀJKWIRUWRGD\7KHSUHVHQWDQG
past are the trajectory of the future. But the arc ofhistory does not bend towards justice automatically—as the great Abolitionist Frederick Douglass observed,
without struggle there is no progress. …
That’s what the characters in Stone Butch Blues
fought for. The last chapter of this saga of struggle
has not yet been written.

AUTHOR PREFACESTONE BUTCH BLUES
Chinese Edition
2003
It is a great joy and honor for me that you are reading
my novel Stone Butch Blues in Chinese. The hard workof the translators has now made it possible for mywork to be read by one-quarter of humanity.
+ROGLQJP\ÀUVWFRS\RI WKLVQRYHOLQ&KLQHVH
in my own hands was a very moving moment. I
thought back on my life and realized that perhaps the
single most momentous impact on my consciousness,
my beliefs and the course of my life’s work was thegreat Chinese Revolution by workers and peasantsin 1949—the year of my birth. This single event

is unarguably the most massive social upheaval in
history.
As a factory-worker’s daughter, I did not knowthat the wealthy rulers of my country were enragedby the loss of China as—from their point of view—acolonial treasure to exploit mercilessly. But I felt the
impact in my own life of the domestic reactionary
political crusade that this ruling class embarked onwithin the United States as a result of their rage about
the Chinese Revolution.
Progressive people feared losing their jobs andbeing driven out of their towns. In those early yearsof my childhood, anti-Asian racism—especially
DJDLQVW-DSDQHVH&KLQHVHDQG.RUHDQSHRSOH³ZDV
rampant. And anti-Semitism dangerously deepened.
When I was a child, the post-WWII job categories
for women were restricted to “homemaker” andStone Butch Blues339

“mother.” This period of extreme sexual reaction
had a tremendous impact on my growing up as amasculine girl child.
But one of the prominent features of thisdomestic witch-hunt was the hounding of lesbian andgay people. Extortion of people accused of being
gay—whether or not they were—was commonplace,as I am painfully aware happens today in Taiwan.
It was because of the exacerbation of repression
during the 1950s that mass social movements aroseto challenge the worst features of oppression in the
United States during the 1960s and 1970s. Movements
for Civil Rights, the Black Panther Party, the Young
Lords Party, the American Indian Movement and the
movements for women’s and gay liberation arose as a
UHVSRQVHWRLURQÀVWHGUHDFWLRQ
I came of age and consciousness during these
PRYHPHQWVWKDWZHUHÀJKWLQJIRUSURIRXQGVRFLDO
change. They shaped me. As a result, I have devoted
my life, together with my fellow travelers, in trying toweed out every seedpod of bigotry and discriminationthat is rooted in the very unjust and unequal socialand economic system in which we live in the U.S.
I am also fully aware that those who rule fromthe citadel of wealth and power in my country—likethose in the palaces and mansions in Britain—have340

Leslie Feinberg

carried out terrible crimes against the peoples of Asia
LQRUGHUWRVTXHH]HRXWHYHU\GURSRI SURÀW6R,WDNH
seriously my own responsibility to you to conduct thebattle here, in the belly of the U.S. beast, to defend
the right of self-determination and sovereignty of all
the peoples of Asia.
Revolutionaries—like revolutions—seek tounweave all the threads of prejudice from thetapestry of their thought. That is not an easy task
to accomplish given the crushing weight of media
and education that reinforce the messages of thedominant elite, on top of repression.
Of course if education were all that was
required, we could write many books and repair anduplift human thinking. But trying to combat the
governing ideas of the master class with education
DORQHLVOLNHWU\LQJWRSXWRXWDIRUHVWÀUHZLWKWHDFXSV
of water!
All the ruling propaganda about what is“natural” and “normal” is aimed at justifying theVWDWXVTXR$QG>FDSLWDOLVP@LVDPLJKW\GLIÀFXOW
economic and social system to rationalize and defend!
I live in a society that has the greatest
polarization of wealth and poverty of any
industrialized country in the world. This is the mostirrational system imaginable: Those who do the mostget the least and those who do the least get the most!
Every day I see elderly people who have
nowhere to live eating out of garbage cans next tosleek, long limousines.
How could such a grossly unfair social reality
continue?
It could not unless those of us who do thework that creates such sumptuous wealth were not
kept pitted against each other. In my own country,
for example, a central division is the oppressionof whole nationalities that are treated like internalcolonies—Black, Latino, Native, Arab and, of course,many Asian peoples, including Chinese, Filipinos,
Vietnamese and Koreans.
But there are other vicious attempts to turn the
copiousness of human diversity into a weapon of“difference.”
I was part of the second great wave for women’s
rights and liberation in this country that exposed how
the degradation and discrimination that women faceis an institutionalized component of capitalism—justas it was an integral and necessary part of slavery andfeudalism.
And I was part of the young gay liberation
movement that arose in 1969 in New York City after
a battle against police repression. We raised social

consciousness about how the age-old spectrum of
human sexuality has been distorted and vulgarized inorder to defend heterosexuality as the state-enforced“norm” and uphold the punishment of same-sex
love.
I wrote Stone Butch Blues in 1992 in order to raise
a form of oppression that is connected by tendrils
to the struggle for the liberation of women and of
lesbian women, gay men and bisexual people. And yet
it has to be understood as its own social question.
In this novel I am writing about those who
face terrible social punishments because they are
not considered to be “real” men or “real” women.
This may be because they are transgender—meaning
they are considered too masculine as a female or too
feminine as a male, or display gender ambiguity orcontradiction. They may be transsexual—meaning
WKDWWKH\GHÀQHWKHLUVH[LQDZD\WKDWFRQWUDGLFWVWKH
quick decision made by a stranger in a delivery room
when they were born. Or they may be intersexual—
people born on the exquisite anatomical sweep
between female and male.
In the years since Stone Butch BluesÀUVWDSSHDUHGI published Transgender Warriors: Making History.
7KLVQRQÀFWLRQERRNSUHVHQWHGP\OLIH·VZRUN³cross-cultural, cross-historical evidence that these
Stone Butch Blues341

forms of human expression are very ancient andwere once honored in communal societies on every
continent. And I found evidence that the hostile laws
and attitudes towards trans expression, the role ofwomen, and same-sex love, arose with the cleavage ofsocieties into haves and have-nots.
1RZ,DPFRQÀGHQWWKDW\RXOLYLQJLQWKHROGHVWFRQWLQXRXVO\UHFRUGHGFXOWXUHLQWKHZRUOGZLOOÀQG
many, many more examples from your own history—
both of the acceptance of trans expression and of
the social origins of this form of oppression.
Today, we as U.S. revolutionaries have put
these demands for sex and gender liberation on theagenda of struggle. As a lifelong revolutionary, itmeans a great deal to me to see the demands for transliberation raised on banners and shouted as chants inall major protests in this country.
But whether or not you and I share a common
view about the future of humanity or which roadwill take us forward, I believe we may very well shareother beliefs that are very important. We strive to be
the best human being—the best person—that wecan possibly be. We try to live a principled life. To
uplift our knowledge and our consciousness. To leave
the world a better place wherever that is within our
power.
342

Leslie Feinberg

If you pride yourself on these qualities, thenI believe that once you have looked at the world
through the eyes of someone who is “genderdifferent” through reading this novel, you will try totake a stand against the cruel jokes and mockery andsocial isolation of those whose only crime is to bepart of the gender and sex diversity that has existed
in all human societies. What a wonderful contribution
you could make!
+RZHYHU,DOVREHOLHYHWKDWRQFHZHÀQG
FRPPRQJURXQGLQWKHÀJKWDJDLQVWWKLVRQHLQMXVWLFH
we will have forged a bond that can continue. I hopethat we discover we have become comrades in alifelong struggle to win the liberation of every humanbeing who is degraded, devalued and downtrodden by
exploitation and oppression.

AUTHOR NOTESTONE BUTCH BLUES
Serbo-Croatian Edition
September 24, 2012
0(66$*()520/(6/,)$-1%(5*72SerboCroat readers:ɏɜɚɥɚɩɭɧɨ
,VHQGWKLVPHVVDJHWR0LOLFD-HUHPLF³RQH
of the translators of Stone Butch Blues into SerboCroatian, and to the entire Kolektiv Queer Beogradthat shared my work with Serbian and Croatian
readers by publishing Stone Butch Blues:ɏɜɚɥɚɩɭɧɨ
Hvala puno

puno hvala
Thank you very much!
Thank you, Milica, for your message to me that
the Serbo-Croat edition publication was launched,“[I]n the second biggest town in Serbia, at a feminist
festival. It was great, the people massively love thebook.”
On facebook: https://www.facebook.com/
events/412873802108596/?ref=ts
Link to translation: http://faktiva.net/vest/stoun-bucbluz-lesli-fajnberg
I will be publishing a new 20th-Anniversary
Author’s Edition of Stone Butch Blues on May Day

Stone Butch Blues343

2013. The online digital edition will include links toyour translation.
Because I am ill, your translation will be thelast until I can publish a notice about translationagreements online. Illness is forcing me to resort togroup communications.
If I were in better health, I would have asked
if I could write an introduction to the Serbo-Croat
readers of Stoun Buþ Bluz.
Instead, I send this message of introduction toreaders of Stoun Buþ Bluz, as best I can write at this
time:
ŶŶŶ

Message from Lesli Fajnberg:
I am proud that the Kolektiv Queer Beograd
published Stoun Buþ Bluzɏɜɚɥɚɩɭɧɨ!
I feel respect for the activists of Kolektiv Queer
Beograd because they confront racism and fascismwith direct action.
Please allow me to make this brief introductionof my own relationship in the U.S. to today’s struggles
in Serbia, Croatia and Kosovo.
In the Spring of 1999, I took part in protests
344

Leslie Feinberg

against the merciless two-month U.S./NATO
blitzkrieg of cities in the multi-national Socialist
Federation of Yugoslavia, which were ordered by the
Clinton administration and other imperialist powers.
7KHSHRSOHVRI -XJRVODYLMDIRXJKWEDFNYDOLDQWO\
and steadfastly, against such overwhelming militarytechnology.
2Q-XQH,MRLQHGWKRXVDQGVRI SHRSOH
who marched from the Vietnam Veterans Memorial
in Washington to the Pentagon. We demanded:“Money for jobs and education, not for war against
Yugoslavia!”,VSRNHDWWKDW-XQHUDOO\FRQFOXGLQJ´=LYHOD-XJRVODYLMDµEXPOSING ‘BIG LIES’ OF WARS OF PROFITThe monopoly media tried to claim that Pentagon
and NATO forces, and the Kosovo “Liberation”
Army (KLA) they armed and uniformed, were
“liberation forces.”
The imperialists don’t care about the rights ofnationalities. Domestically, the imperialist countries
are prison-houses for peoples who are oppressed
based on nationality, immigration status, sex, genderexpression and sexualities.
One of the “Big Lies” of the monopoly media
was the claim that the U.S./NATO bombing was´MXVWLÀHGµLQRUGHUWR´VWRSPDVVUDSHRI ZRPHQµAs a revolutionary journalist, I wrote thefollowing articles that document how mass rape wastaking place in a lucrative sex-enslavement industry
set up after the NATO occupation.
In occupied Kosovo—NATO, UN admit womenare enslaved: http://www.workers.org/ww/2000/
kosovo0525.php‘Big lie’ and breakup of Yugoslavia. Lavender &red, part 114: http://www.workers.org/2007/world/
lavender-red-114/
Wars, lies and ‘mass rape’ charges. Lavender &red, part 115: http://www.workers.org/2007/world/
lavender-red-115/
In May 2000, I wrote in Workers World newspaper
about how the Kosovo “Liberation” Army—covertly
armed by Germany and the U.S.—was a mercenary
army. Many of its leaders traced their roots to afascist unit set up by Italian occupiers during WorldWar II. (New York Times, March 28, 2000)

I joined protests when former Yugoslav
President Slobodan Milosevic was tried for “warcrimes” in The Hague. Milosevic was forced to standtrial because he would not surrender Yugoslavia to theInternational Monetary Fund and the World Bank.
Instead, the Pentagon and NATO generals should be
tried for war crimes.
In the U.S., the media works around the clock
to “justify” covert and overt wars for economic andgeo-strategic advantage—from threatening “regimechange” through fomenting and arming reaction
and counter-revolution, lynching leaders of othercountries, psychological operations, overwhelming
military force, troop occupations, formations ofmercenary armies, and emboldening fascist forces.
LESSONS OF THE PINK TRIANGLE$VDZKLWHZRUNLQJFODVV-HZLVKWUDQVJHQGHUOHVELDQ
revolutionary, I too have studied the historical lessonsof the rise of fascism in Germany, Italy and Spain—
attempts to save capitalism for the 1%. These lessons
inform my life’s direct action. …
I see that the Kolektiv Queer Beograd, theBelgrade Pride organizers, and “Antifa in Action” areStone Butch Blues345

showing great bravery and steadfastness in the face of
attacks and threats from fascist forces, with reported
state and police collusion.
FIGHTING RACISM, FASCISM & WAR FROMINSIDE THE U.S.
Domestically in the U.S.—during this period of
capitalist economic crisis—apartheid passbook laws
are being written into law; undocumented workers
are being rounded up, detained and face massdeportations; Muslims are targets of this state “warof terror”; and white supremacist, fascist shock
troops are receiving arms and funding.
Racist, fascist massacres targeted Black people
in Tulsa, Oklahama—the second anti-Black massacrein the city’s history—and took the lives of Sikhs at
a temple in Oak Creek, Wisconsin. Police gun down
people of color with virtual legal impunity.
Youth of color in the U.S. are facing no jobs, norecreation centers, no education or massive student
debt, police “stop and frisk” actions, racist passbook
laws, the school-to-prison pipeline, homelessness,lack of health care, no place to gather, and curtailed
IUHHGRPRI WUDYHOGXHWRFXUIHZV³RIÀFLDODQG
XQRIÀFLDO
346

Leslie Feinberg

The rise of fascist bullying has led many
oppressed youths to end their own lives.
Others are organizing, and winning activist
VXSSRUWIURPDOOJHQHUDWLRQVWRÀJKWEDFN‘FREE CECE NOW!’
A war against transwomen—particularly women ofcolor—is claiming lives from Oakland, California; toChicago, Illinois; to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
But CeCe McDonald survived!
CeCe McDonald, a young Black (trans)woman,and her friends were violently attacked by a group ofZKLWHVZKRLGHQWLÀHGWKHPVHOYHVDVIDVFLVWE\WKHLU
actions, slurs, and swastika tattoo.
CeCe was badly cut at the onset of the attack, inwhich one fascist died.
Today, CeCe is in prison, and her friends havereported ongoing racist, fascist harassment.
CeCe McDonald’s courage and tenacity has
inspired liberationist currents in the U.S. politicalstruggle, and in countries around the world.
,WRRNGLUHFWDFWLRQRQ-XQH³RQWKH
one-year anniversary of the attack, and the day CeCe
McDonald was sentenced to prison. I wrote thepeoples’ verdict on the jailhouse wall: “FREE CECENOW!”
As a journalist, author and proud member of the
National Writers Union/UAW Local 1981—I’m mostproud of writing those three words.
My action was public—in front of hundreds ofdemonstrators and in front of nearby sheriffs. I go
to jury trial in mid-October—not to “plead” but todeclare: I am not guilty of any wrongdoing!
Solidarity is not a crime, and neither is selfdefense against oppressions!
,XQLWHZLWK\RXLQWKHVWUXJJOHWRÀJKWFDSLWDOLVWUDFLVPIDVFLVPDQGZDUVIRUSURÀW

Stone Butch Blues347

publication history

Stone Butch Blues LVDZRUNRI ÀFWLRQZULWWHQE\DQDXWKRUZKRKDVOLYHGWKHQRQÀFWLRQ$Q\UHVHPEODQFHWRUHDO
people—living or dead—is strictly coincidental.

MARCH 2012:
Rights again revert to author

MARCH 1993:
First English-language print edition published by
Firebrand Books
ISBN: 1-56341-030-3

1997-2013:
Translated into: Chinese, Turkish, Slovenian, SerboCroatian, Greek, Italian, Dutch, German
and Hebrew (author royalties donated to Palestinian
ASWAT)MARCH 2002:
Recovered author rights out of LPC/Firebrand
Chapter 11

FALL 2014:
20th Anniversary English-language Edition
Author Copyright asserted for this edition

NOVEMBER 2003:
10th anniversary English-language print edition
published by Alyson Books
ISBN: 1-55583-853-7
13 978-155583-853-9

Visit www.lesliefeinberg.net for:free online readfree pdf download
free device/s download
at-cost, print-on-demand
12-point & 16-point editions

348

Leslie Feinberg

Thanks to the Team!

THE OLD RIGID EXTERNAL FLOPPY DISKS
on which I wrote Stone Butch Blues, and the huge roll
RI PHWDOSULQWLQJSODWHVZLWKZKLFKLWZDVÀUVWSULQWHG
onto paper, are in storage.
New digital tools have replaced those oldtechnologies.
So here is a new digital version of Stone Butch
Blues—retyped, copyedited, corrected of errata
in earlier editions, proofread and edited for styleconsistency and for punctuation that maintains theYHUQDFXODUÁRZRI VSHHFKSURRIUHDGDQGFRUUHFWHG
again, re-formatted, re-designed and published as amulti-media edition on a new WordPress site: http://
www.lesliefeinberg.net/
When it was time for me to read over andÀQDOL]HWKHQHZO\W\SHGPDQXVFULSWP\YLVLRQZDV
unstable and my health was poor. A small team ofpeople worked with me through all the stages ofcompleting this edition, and through a rollercoasterof changing abilities in my health.
A multi-media 20th Anniversary Author’s Edition
is in your hands, or on your screen, because of theteam effort by a group of wonderful individuals.
My heartfelt thanks to each member of the team!
Minnie Bruce Pratt, who facilitated all stages of all
work necessary to prepare this edition—in particularissues of manuscript copyediting and preparation of
the new front and back matter. She brought every
single copyediting question to me to discuss, which,DSSUHFLDWH,ÀQLVKHGWKHGUDIWRI Stone Butch Bluesin her garden in 1992. Now we are celebrating more

Stone Butch Blues349

than 20 years of teamwork in life and love together—in sickness and in health.
Minnie Bruce Pratt
http://www.mbpratt.org
coming soon: http://www.minniebrucepratt.net
Krista Kennedy, who came to my home to teachme and to discuss emerging digital technologies
and questions of digital ethics. As I became more
ill, Krista took on more than the role of teacher
to keep this project moving forward. She became
digital publishing co-developer and site project cocoordinator for this new edition. I thank her for
helping to give me a digital voice and embodiment at
a time when I was being silenced by diseases.
Dr. Krista Kennedy
Assistant Professor of Writing & Rhetoric
Syracuse University
http://kristakennedy.net
twitter: @kakennedy

350

Leslie Feinberg

Kuan Luo, who designed the new edition’s cover,chose the Marais cover typeface and the Garamondinterior text font.
I thank her for her patience and wellspring ofcreativity. I particularly thank her for allowing me for
WKHÀUVWWLPHWRVWHSEDFNLQWRWKHSRVLWLRQRI DXWKRU
and not have to represent, on the novel’s front cover,
WKHIDFHRI DÀFWLRQDOSURWDJRQLVWKuan Luo, Brooklyn-based designer, “crafting
the visuals and user experience on Grand St.”
https://grandst.com/
kuan.luo.11@gmail.com
twitter: @kuanluo
Elizabeth Parks, who took on the interior designof the novel, and with her skill made the text
harmonious with the cover design.
Elizabeth Parks
freelance publication designer
http://elizabethparks.com/

George Rhinehart, who was co-coordinator with
Krista in coding/building the new WordPress site as ahome for Stone Butch Blues.
Robin Higgins, who re-typed an old print edition ofStone Butch Blues into a new digital text, one word at atime.
Becca Shaw Glaser, who proofed and re-proofed
the new edition with an eagle eye and an exemplary
love for precision.
My thanks to photographers Gabriel Foster, Greg
%XWWHUÀHOG, Billy Navarro, Jr., Vanessa Edwards
Foster, Deirdre Stapp and Marilyn Humphries fortheir photographs and permissions.
Thank you, Phillip Frankel, for contributing yourexpert legal advice on intellectual property and foryour help in defending my copyright.

Stone Butch Blues

351

AUTHOR RIGHTS & REQUESTSI HAD TO WORK TO RECOVER my rights toStone Butch Blues:KHQWKHÀUVWSXEOLVKHUZHQWLQWR
Chapter 11 court, I had to spend thousands of dollarsof my wages on legal fees to recover the right to thisnovel, and to Minnie Bruce Pratt’s book of poems,
Crime Against Nature.
While very ill in Spring 2012, I recovered myrights again.
Once and for all, I hold the author copyright—
by law and by labor—to Stone Butch Blues. The novel is
not represented by a literary agency. I hold all digitalrights.
I am receiving messages from readers, teachers,
bookstore owners, publishers and translators askingme:
Where can copies of Stone Butch Blues be ordered,or permissions be gotten for reprint rights, translationagreements, etc.?
352

Leslie Feinberg

Those who are seeking commercial contracts
are persistent, and sometimes don’t take “no” for ananswer.
I am too ill to respond to inquiries about
contracts or permissions.
So I have taken Stone Butch Blues off the capitalist
market. I will not be signing any new commercial
contracts for this novel or renewing existing contracts
when they expire.
No further commercial or permission
inquiries, please!
I’ve written the following regarding author’s
rights and requests, in as clear a way as I can, toanswer the questions I am asked most frequently inindividual inquiries.
I give this novel back to the workers andoppressed of the world.

The revolutionary and anti-capitalist movements
for social and economic justice have given me somuch in life. I give this novel back, as a tiny handPDGHJLIWÁDZVDQGDOOWRWKHZRUNHUVDQGRSSUHVVHG
of the world.
I have retained full Author Copyright to Stone
Butch Blues, rather than license this 20th Anniversary
Edition through Creative Commons.
The reason is not out of a fetish for ownershipof property but rather to protect my work from being
exploited commercially by corporations.
Marxism has never been opposed to private
ownership of personal property or products of one’s
own labor—and, in fact, holds that everyone shouldbe able to have these things. Instead, Marxists saythat the 1% banks and corporations have seized thegiant worker-built apparatus of production and the
distribution of production as their own—they claim
they own it all.
As a communist, I am for abolishing ownershipby the 1% of the socially-built apparatus ofproduction.
Workers and oppressed people—already doing thework of the world every day—can run that productive
apparatus to make historically overdue reparations andto meet the needs and wants of the 99%.

While Stone Butch BluesLVÀFWLRQLWVSHDNVWUXWKBut the capitalist deeds of ownership that say the 1%
owns everything that has been produced by collective
labor, both enslaved and waged—those deeds areÀFWLRQDQGVKRXOGEHWRUQXSAnd on the day those paper deeds of ownership
are torn up, it won’t matter about protecting Stone
Butch Blues anymore from commercial exploitation.
Hurry that day!
The law locks up the man or woman
Who steals the goose off the common
But leaves the greater villain loose
Who steals the common from the goose.
The law demands that we atone
When we take things we do not own%XWOHDYHVWKHORUGVDQGODGLHVÀQH
Who take things that are yours and mine.
The law locks up the man or woman
Who steals the goose from off the common
And geese will still a common lack
Till they go and steal it back.

Stone Butch Blues

353

From the 1600s through the early 1700s, this was a
popular protest rhyme against English capitalist-class
foreclosure of commonly-held land.
AUTHOR RIGHTS
In the meantime, here I assert my author rights toStone Butch Blues in this 20th Anniversary Edition:
No permissions, no contracts, no commercial use, no derivativeuse, no digital rights.
No derivative uses
No adaptations:Don’t tell me you’re honoring me by saying you cantell this story better than I did.
No movie version:,ZRUNHGEULHÁ\RQDPRYLHYHUVLRQRI Stone Butch
Blues until I discovered that the producer’s prospectus
was trying to raise capital from investors by offeringa sexual fantasy: an invitation to watch butches being
raped by police. I requested that no movie be made;I don’t believe any movie can be made true to theintention of the book.
354

Leslie Feinberg

No permission for derivative use:
A cartoonist was trying to parlay her comic bookdrafts of Stone Butch Blues into a book deal. She
contacted me about this and I denied permission. She
then put her version of Stone Butch Blues up on theweb.
Her cover was an interracial butch/femme
couple slow-dancing, a white butch and an AfricanAmerican femme with a gardenia in her hair.
This was the artist’s fantasy. This couple and thisscene is nowhere to be found in Stone Butch Blues.
I repeatedly asked the artist to take her comicbook version off the web, but was only able to get
her to take down this derivative work after repeatedefforts and great exertion on my part.
I had never given permission for her derivative/
digital use of Stone Butch Blues.
Respect begins with asking and receiving
permission. I do not give permission for any
derivative use of Stone Butch Blues, and not justbecause of illness.
When I was a child, I made my own crystal radio
set from a block of wood, orange juice cans, somewires and transistors, and I discovered the world of
narrative dramas I couldn’t see—not like the movies
and TV. These were stories I could only hear, andimagine in my mind what the characters looked like.
That’s how I wrote Stone Butch Blues. A lotof people say it’s cinematic, but they are seeing it
projected on the screen of their own imagination.
I made a decision in writing Stone Butch Blues
based on my anger at seeing how many white writers
used whiteness as a default and only described acharacter if they were of color. Based on my anger at
writers who only used thinness as the default and only
LGHQWLÀHGFKDUDFWHUVDVEHLQJIDWDWZULWHUVZKRGLGQ·W
name a character if they were able-bodied or didn’t
have a disability, but did label them if they did.
I decided I wasn’t going to do that. In Stone
Butch Blues we discover the characters through theirreactions to racism and other bigotries. I don’t name
who the characters are. I don’t tell, I show.
That means that different people who read thisbook may have different views about the sizes, andshapes, and abilities, and so forth of these characters.
And as readers those are all valid experiences.
But for derivative artists, intent on making
derivative art using a narrative I have written, thismeans that they take their individual idea of who isBlack or white, fat or thin, able-bodied or disabled—
DQGWKHGHULYDWLYHDUWLVWÁDWWHQVDQGFRQFUHWL]HVWKHLU
own interpretation for all time, as if that’s the truth ofStone Butch Blues for all time and all readers. It’s their
imagination re-writing the entire book for all readers.
I do not give permission for Stone Butch Blues tobe re-written based on someone else’s imagination.
As a white communist, I am responsible for the
book’s strengths and weaknesses.
Stone Butch Blues is not merely a “working class”
novel—it is a novel that embodies class struggle.
No digital rights. I’m sticking with the union!
I do not assign any digital rights.
Stone Butch Blues lives on the digital page at:
http://www.lesliefeinberg.net/
Please do not digitally remove Stone Butch Blues
from the digital page where it lives; please do not
repost the book or parts of the book.
As an author, I have always retained my digitalrights. My union—the National Writers Union/UAW/RFDO³HGXFDWHGPHWRÀJKWIRUWKRVHULJKWVLQ
publishing contracts. I’m with the union to defend thedigital rights of workers.

Stone Butch Blues

355

Here are excerpts from the National Writers
Union Digital Bill of Rights:
www.nwubook.org/DBOR.pdf
This bill of rights was submitted February 2008 by Susan E.
Davis, Charlotte Dennett, Bruce Hartford, Timothy Sheard
Passed by National Executive Committee February 2008

EHLQJKLJKO\SURÀWDEOHWRWKH,QWHUQHWJLDQWV ZULWHUVDUHÀQGLQJ
their work being devalued and their profession reduced to thatof “content providers.”
In response to this erosion of our copyright and demeaningof our profession as creators, we, the freelance writers of
the National Writers Union, have created a Digital Bill of
Rights as a means of educating other writers and the public atlarge about the importance of preserving the most importantpossession writers have: our copyright.

Preamble added August 2008
DIGITAL BILL OF RIGHTS
PREAMBLE
We are living in a time of profound changes in the publishingindustry–changes that directly threaten the livelihoods ofwriters. With the advent of instant copying through digitaltechnology and Internet distribution, writers’ works are being
reproduced without their knowledge and/or permission andthen marketed without compensation. This is in violation of
the U.S. Constitution, which vests the ownership of creative
works in the name of the creator and protects creators against
copyright infringement. While software companies like Google
and Microsoft trumpet the importance of making creative
works instantly accessible and often free to consumers (while
356

Leslie Feinberg

Freelance writers published in the United States possess
exclusive ownership of their work according to the historicprinciple of copyright established in Article 1, Section 8 of the
U.S. Constitution. This ownership allows the author to license
or sell various copyrights (digital, geographic, foreign language,
and others). The one exception is when an author signs awork-for-hire contract, and in return for just compensation, thepublisher owns the work, not the writer.
When writers publish their work on the Internet, their
copyright protection and exclusive ownership of the content
remain. Electronic reproduction and distribution of the
document, or of substantial portions of it, do not abrogate thewriter’s title to the intellectual property. Content that can beread on the Web without a fee is still protected by copyright.
When Digital Publishers (DPs) electronically copy or
publish all or substantial portions of a work on the Internet
for gain without the author’s permission, in violation ofConstitutional law, writers have the right to demand redress
for the violation of their copyright and theft of their intellectual
property.
When writers discover that a DP has illegally reproduced
all or substantial portions of their work from any source,
they have the right to demand immediate cessation of theinfringement, removal of the content from display or sale within
48 hours, and/or either payment of damages or a negotiated fee
for past and/or continued use based on current fee standards.

Stone Butch Blues357

translation agreement

TRANSLATIONSŶŶŶ

I THANK THE TRANSLATORS WHO havecontributed their labor to editions in languages
including Chinese, Turkish, Slovenian, SerboCroatian, Greek, Italian, German, Dutch, andHebrew. My proceeds from the latter go to thePalestinian group ASWAT.
I have received many generous offers totranslate Stone Butch Blues, without cost, into numerous
languages, including Kannada, Spanish, Russian andFrench.
But I remain too ill to get back in touch withwilling translators, or to negotiate individual contracts.
Therefore, I make the following translation agreement
via this public communication.

I agree to any translations that meet the following
criteria:
I give permission solely for translations of this20th Anniversary Author’s Edition of Stone Butch
Blues.
The translation must have a statement of clear
attribution acknowledging that it is a translation of
my novel Stone Butch Blues, in its entirety, as well as an
acknowledgement of me, Leslie Feinberg, as author.
The translation must be non-commercial, thatis, be a print edition that is priced to meet only
production cost and/or a digital edition that is a free
on-line read.
You the translator may include NO introduction
to the translated edition. You may provide notes on

358

Leslie Feinbergyour language decisions. (See explanatory note below.)
I retain the right to post a free digital version ora substantial segment of your translation work on the
Stone Butch Blues publication site, where translations
will be hosted: http://lesliefeinberg.net
If you are producing a digital translation thatmeets the above requirements, you the translator
and/or publisher will send your name and contact
information, and a digital link to, or a digital versionof, your translation of Stone Butch Blues, to me at theaddress posted on http://www.lesliefeinberg.net/
If you are producing a print translation thatmeets the above requirements, you the translator
and/or publisher will send your name and contact
information and 2 copies of that print version to me
at the address posted on my web site.. I will also posta link to your print edition information at http://
www.lesliefeinberg.net/
For more information about translations, visit
http://www.lesliefeinberg.net

NO “INTRODUCTIONS”!
For many decades, as I grew up, the only publications
about people who were oppressed based on theirsexes, gender expressions, and sexualities were books
that had psychological/psychiatric “experts” writing
about those lives.
The words of the oppressed individual thenbecame the “patient narrative” that was stretched or
chopped, as if into a Procrustean bed of torture, toÀWWKHWKHRU\RI WKH´H[SHUWVµ
Stone Butch Blues speaks in its own voice andneeds no expert between reader and protagonist.
I accept that translators into other languages may
want to provide translator notes about overcoming
VSHFLÀFGLIÀFXOWLHVLQWUDQVODWLQJWKLVQRYHO
But—please do not introduce the novel toreaders!
This novel can introduce itself to readers, and so
FDQ-HVV*ROGEHUJ
Stone Butch Blues is the voice of someone who isliving the oppressions, resistance and pride.
/HWWKHUHDGHUKHDU-HVV*ROGEHUJ·VRZQZRUGVStone Butch Blues359

about leslie feinberg—Managing Editor of Workers World newspaper (onmedical leave since 2007)—Proud member: National Writers Union/UAW,
Local 1981, and Pride @ Work/a constituency groupof the AFL-CIO—&RIRXQGHU5DLQERZ)ODJVIRU0XPLD$EX-DPDO
Feinberg speaks in support of Abu-Jamal at Madison Square
Garden, 2000
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV4rxNZaF9M—Co-founder, Rainbow Solidarity for the Cuban Five
Feinberg says “Free the Cuban Five!”
KWWSZZZ\RXWXEHFRPZDWFK"Y -G:%2\LWN
From Lavender & Red: 120-part series
http://www.workers.org/lavender-red/

360

Leslie Feinberg

More information about Leslie Feinberg:
http://www.transgenderwarrior.org/
http://www.lesliefeinberg.net/
A resumé of struggle:
http://www.transgenderwarrior.org/references.html
A list of books:
http://www.transgenderwarrior.org/books.html
A partial bibliography of writings, compiled by M.R.
Cook:
http://www.transgenderwarrior.org/references.html
A social biography:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leslie_Feinberg
Palestinians mark Land Day with protests
by Leslie Feinberg
Sakhnin, Occupied Palestine, April 8, 2007
http://www.workers.org/2007/world/
palestine-0412/
Photo credit: Leslie Feinberg‘Land Day,’ Palestine, 2007

Stone Butch Blues361

On October 21, 2007, I was felled by illness while
traveling. I have been mostly at home dealing with anacute health crisis since that time.
See: “Casualty of an undeclared war”
These are my research notes on the U.S “Lyme/+ wars”
http://www.transgenderwarrior.org/
For updates:
http://www.lesliefeinberg.net/
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/
groups/155129424499130/

362

Leslie Feinberg

Photo credit: Vanessa Edwards Foster‘Leslie Feinberg honoring Sylvia Rivera’
2002 Memorial, New York City

‘Free Cece!’

3KRWRFUHGLW%LOO\1DYDUUR-U
¶/HVOLH)HLQEHUJWDJJLQJWKH&RXQW\-DLO·
0LQQHDSROLV-XQH

3KRWRFUHGLW%LOO\1DYDUUR-U
‘Leslie Feinberg arrested’
0LQQHDSROLV-XQH

Stone Butch Blues363

INFORMATION ABOUT “FREE CECE”
FROM WWW.WORKERS.ORG
Leslie Feinberg upon release from jail:“Free CeCe McDonald!”by Kris Hamel-XQH
http://www.workers.org/2012/us/free_cece_
mcdonald_0621/
Court re-charges transgender author Leslie Feinberg
for action supporting CeCe McDonald
by Kris Hamel
Sept. 6, 2012
http://www.workers.org/2012/09/06/court-recharges-transgender-author-leslie-feinberg-for-actionsupporting-cece-mcdonald//HVOLH)HLQEHUJVWD\VÀUP´)UHH&H&H0F'RQDOGµby Kris Hamel
Sept. 13, 2012
http://www.workers.org/2012/09/13/leslie-feinbergVWD\VÀUPIUHHFHFHPFGRQDOG

364

Leslie Feinberg/HVOLH)HLQEHUJÀOHVIRUVSHHG\MXU\WULDO
by Minnie Bruce Pratt
Sept. 20, 2012
http://www.workers.org/2012/09/20/leslie-feinbergÀOHVIRUVSHHG\MXU\WULDO
Prosecution fears support for CeCe McDonald!
by Leslie Feinberg
Oct. 11, 2012
http://www.workers.org/2012/10/11/from-lesliefeinberg-prosecution-fears-growing-support-for-cecemcdonald/ŶŶŶ

LESLIE FEINBERG’S
5-PART WEEKLY PRE-TRIAL SERIESSpecial thanks to Monica Moorehead, LeiLani
Dowell and Minnie Bruce Pratt, who edited theWorkers World series I wrote on the struggle to free
CeCe McDonald. As my eyesight was destabilizing,
I worked with LeiLani Dowell on the second article.
Monica Moorehead was overall editor of the article
series. Minnie Bruce Pratt copy-edited the series.

Many writers have experienced adversarial
relationships with editors. I want to give special
thanks to Monica, LeiLani and Minnie Bruce. To me,
a great editor brings all of their life experience andconsciousness and skills to each article. It was a thrill
to work with these revolutionary editors again!

Part 4:,QGHIHQVHRI SHRSOHV·SRZHU&DSLWDOLVPSURÀWVfrom guns, war & reaction
http://www.workers.org/2013/01/03/in-defense-ofpeoples-power/
SRVWHG-DQ

Part 1:´)UHH&H&H0F'RQDOGµ³7KHULJKWWRÀJKWEDFN
http://www.workers.org/2012/12/07/free-cecePFGRQDOGWKHULJKWWRÀJKWEDFNposted Dec. 7, 2012

Part 5:
Guns—weapons or tools? Pointed which way?
http://www.workers.org/2013/01/13/guns-weaponsor-tools-pointed-which-way/
SRVWHG-DQ

Part 2:
CeCe McDonald & Anoka students tear white hoodoff “bullying”
http://www.workers.org/2012/12/13/oppressed\RXWKÀJKWQHRIDVFLVWSROLFHWHUURU
posted Dec. 13, 2012

ŶŶŶPart 3:
CeCe McDonald & friends fought, survived lynch
mob / U.S. surge in police and neo-fascist lynchings
http://www.workers.org/2012/12/20/u-s-surge-inpolice-and-neo-fascist-lynchings/
posted Dec. 20, 2012LESLIE FEINBERG’S TWO-PART PUBLIC
TRIAL STATEMENTPart 1:Signal boost the peoples’ verdict—“Free CeCe
McDonald!”/
1% & its hired guns can’t suppress growing solidarity
by Leslie Feinberg
http://www.workers.org/2013/01/28/signal-boostthe-peoples-verdict-free-cece-mcdonald/
SRVWHG-DQ
Stone Butch Blues

365

Part 2:
Resistance proves irrepressible—“Free CeCe!”
Help deliver the peoples’ verdictby Leslie Feinberg
http://www.workers.org/2013/02/02/resistanceproves-irrepressible-free-cece/
posted Feb. 2, 2013
ŶŶŶ

TRIAL RESULTS
Feinberg is convicted but walks free:saying “Free CeCe!”by Minnie Bruce Pratt
http://www.workers.org/2013/02/04/feinberg-isconvicted-but-walks-free/posted Feb. 4, 2013

Photo credit: Deirdre Stapp¶)HLQEHUJVSHDNLQJLQVXSSRUWRI 0XPLD$EX-DPDO·
Town Hall, New York City, 1999
6HHDOVR)HLQEHUJLQVXSSRUWRI $EX-DPDO
Madison Square Garden, New York City, 2000
www.youtube.com

366

Leslie Feinberg