The Wise Brain Bulletin
News and Tools for Happiness, Love, and Wisdom
Vol u me 4, 6 ( 6/2 0 1 0 )The Neuroscience of Resilience© Linda Graham, MFT., 2010

I’ve been exploring the neuroscience of resilience

because the prefrontal cortex is far and away thelately, because I’m hungrily curious about both (A)single most integrative structure of the brain

how do people cope with unfathomably challenging

for supporting resilience; it is considered bycircumstances and come out the other side withsome neuropsychologists to be an “evolutionary

their spirits and integrity intact (when I getmasterpiece.”disoriented just trying to meet a friend for dinner
at a new restaurant and have been known to cry

The prefrontal cortex (PFC) integrates

when my computer crashes) and (B) what can brain

information vertically, horizontally, and temporally:

science teach us about strengthening the capacities• Vertically – linking bottom up informationof resilience from the bottom-up – at the levelfrom body sensations and the limbic systemof neurons firing in new patterns that promote(the emotional engine of brain) with top down

flexibility in the face of change.

processing involving memory (conscious andunconscious), attention, motivation, planning,

I thank Dan Siegel, M.D., founder of thejudgment, and behavior.

discipline of interpersonal neurobiology (how• Horizontally – connecting the different modes

the development of the brain is kindled, shaped,of processing of the right and left hemispheres ofconditioned and matured by mindful empathic

the brain

relationships) for his model of nine functions• Temporally – integrating experiences fromof the prefrontal cortex. I’m organizing thisthe past, present and future to create a coherent

essay about resilience around those functions,narrative of who we are and how our life makes

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sense.

processes. We don’t have to be conscious to breatheor to have our heart pump blood or to digest our

In Dr. Siegel’s model, thefood, thank goodness. That’s all below the radar.

PFC accomplishes thisregulation in nine ways:

We can become conscious of our breathing, as

1. Regulating of thewe do in meditation and yoga, when we breathe

autonomic nervous system –deeply to calm the body and the mind. We canstaying calm and engaged

become conscious of our heart center, which many

2. Quelling the fear response

visionary researchers see as a kind of auxiliary

3. Regulate emotions

brain. There are brain cells (neurons) around–resilience is not blocked by

the heart that are activated when we experience

fear or shame

disappointment or grief or shame. There can be a

4. Attunement – theliteral feeling of heartache or heartbreak. Whenfelt sense of another’s

we breathe a sense of goodness and safety into theexperience, someone else

heart, the heart rate slows down. We can intuit“getting” ours

what is going on in our gut, whether something

5. Empathy – You know

feels OK to us or feel “off.”

what I know, and I know thatyou know

The ANS is central to resilience because it keeps

6. Response flexibility – pause, options, evaluate

us in a “window of tolerance.”

options, appropriate decision

The window of tolerance is a zone where our

7. Insight – self-awarenessnervous system is relaxed, calm, alert, engaged.

8. Intuition – the “gut” feeling

When we are in our window of tolerance, which

9. Morality

we hope is most of the time, we feel centeredand balanced. Everything is humming along

These many modes of neural integration andin equilibrium. When we are in our window ofregulation via the prefrontal cortex are the mosttolerance, we can perceive-process-respond to life

influential neural substrate of resilience.

events with a kind of wise equanimity. We cancope. We can be resilient.

So here goes.
When something new, challenging or alarming
comes up, the sympathetic branch of theRegulating the Autonomic Nervous
System (ANS)

autonomic nervous system (SNS) is automatically
activated and we unconsciously mobilize to meetthe new situation, challenge or threat. When we

The ANS is the part of our nervous system thatare regulated by the social engagement system of

automatically, without any conscious processing,our prefrontal cortex, we turn to people near us

regulates heart rate, breathing, and digestive

to help with regulation, or we turn to memories

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 2

of people, in whose presence we have felt loved,

tolerance where we can think calmly and respondunderstood or supported, to keep us in the sense

skillfully. Where we can be resilient.

of everything is OK, everything is going to be OK.
When we are safely connected with others – either

Conversely, if we are very calm and relaxed, andthe soothing PNS is operating without fear, we canbecome blissfully immobilized as in meditation,

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.
Irish blessing, thanks to Mary Pipher

sleep or the afterglow of making love. These are
wonderful states. But if they are not balanced
by enough activation of the SNS, and if there is
not enough sense of social engagement to help

present physically or inside the mind – and areus feel connected and safe, and if there is fear –within our window of tolerance, we mobilize

then we can withdraw into an immobilization ofquickly, act skillfully, take care of business andlethargy, numbness, depression, dissociation: inreturn to normal. So it’s our social engagement

other words, a state of too much PNS without

system, regulated via the PFC, that keeps us in our

enough connection and engagement. We need thewindow of tolerance - mobilized without fear.

prefrontal cortex to consciously mobilize the social
engagement system, and to give a little more gas

But if we are startled or frightened byto the SNS rather than putting the brakes on thecircumstances that overwhelm our social

PNS. This allows us to engage and respond to theengagement system – which may be alreadychallenge of the moment with resilient coping,weakened and vulnerable from deficits of

instead of a numbed out withdrawal.

attachment and bonding, there aren’t sufficientsocial engagement resources to handle the stress.

(See Exercise #1 below for a very simple exercise

Then the SNS is activatedto activate the social

to mobilize us but without

engagement system of theenough regulation. We

prefrontal cortex and stay

rev up out of the window

in the window of tolerance.)of tolerance into alarm,agitation, anxiety, and panic

The neuroscience is: therather than wise resilient

amygdala in our mid-brain

action. When this happens,

operates unconsciously

we need to consciously

24/7 as our alarm center,down-regulate the fear andand our most primitive

agitation, re-connect withemotional processing center.

a safe other(s), and activate

It constantly assesses

the calming parasympathetic

for threat or danger, andnervous system (PNS) to

when it perceives threat orreturn to the window of

danger, it activates the SNS

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 3

plus signals the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal

isolation, the body can drop precipitously into

(HPA) axis to release stress hormones, including

collapse-freeze, shutting down and immobilizing tocortisol. This is the body-brain’s response to stress,

be safe.

which mobilizes us to act, to move, to protect, todefend, to change the situation, to cope.

Either way, a wonderful antidote to the stressresponse of fight-flight-freeze and to dis-

When we don’t have enough social engagement toconnection, withdrawal and shutting down, is the

keep us regulated in the window of tolerance, SNSregulation of the ANS through oxytocin.

and HPA activation catapult us out of the windowof tolerance into the stress response of fight-

Oxytocin is the naturally occurring

flight. Furthermore, if this activation bumps us

neurotransmitter and hormone of safety and trust,

into previously learned patterns of coping throughof bonding and attachment. It is released throughpassivity, submission, confusion, withdrawal, or

warmth, touch, movement. Common catalysts forthe release of oxytocin are

Words of Wisdom:

Resilienceorgasm and breastfeeding.
Neuroscientists are
discovering that any time

Mastering the art of resilience does much more than restore you to who you once

we feel safe, warm, loved,

thought you were. Rather, you emerge from the experience transformed into a truer

and cherished, we release

expression of who you were really meant to be.

of small does of oxytocin

Carol Osbornin the brain; even thinking

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives.
It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.
Charles Darwin
It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’sthat place in between that we fear. It’s like being between trapezes. It’s Linus when his
blanket is in the dryer. There’s nothing to hold on to.
Marilyn Ferguson

about, imagining orremembering being loved
and cherished is enough torelease this oxytocin.
And oxytocin is the brain’s
direct and immediate
antidote to cortisol,which down-regulatesLife is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where

the flood of cortisol.

people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

Oxytocin from calm andAnais Ninconnection antidotes
fight-flight-freeze. Have

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply

you seen a child or auncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only is such moments, propelled by ourfriend in the throes of

discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different

an upset, and a gentle

ways or truer answers.

hug and a “there, there”

M. Scott Peck
Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 4

and the child-person calms down and re-groups

stressor, and sometimes no reaction at all. Stressful

almost instantaneously? That’s the regulating

events simply roll off them more readily, like water

effect of oxytocin. We come back into the window

off a duck’s back. This is a fundamental featureof tolerance where life can be coped with againof resilience, to simply be less reactive to stressful

because our higher thinking brain can stay online.

events when they occur.

We can choose how to respond. The reachingout with a hug, a hand on the back, a hand on the

Neuroscientists now know the prefrontal cortex

heart, can release oxytocin. It also re-activates thedoes this pre-empting by growing neuronalsocial engagement system of the prefrontal cortex.

fibers down to the amygdala. These fibers

This combination of oxytocin and re-engagement

carry the GABA (gamma amino butyric acid)creates a felt sense in the body of safety andneurotransmitter, which inhibits the amygdala.

trust; of connection and belonging. This is a

If you want to, you can buy GABA in health foodneurochemical transformation to calm us down andstores as a stress reducer (use with caution, as

re-engage with a safe other. It is a neurochemicalwith any nutraceutical product). You can also dofoundation of resilience, lifelong.

exercise #2 in Exercises to Practice below.

Quelling the Fear Response

Regulating Emotions

Not only can the prefrontal cortex calm down

The third function of the prefrontal cortex is tothe stress response and bring someone backregulate emotions. Emotions are waves of body

into calm and connection through the releasesensations that signal us to “pay attention, thisof oxytocin, the prefrontal cortex can also use

is important!” and that mobilize us to act. Every

the social engagement

emotion has signaturesystem to preemptively

physiological markers

quell the fear response

and adaptive actionof the amygdala in thetendencies. If we’refirst place. Numerous

angry, we contract, tense

research studies at U.C.

up, and are ready toDavis and the University

fight; anger mobilizes

of Wisconsin are now

us to take action against

showing that, when

injustice or a boundary

someone is “primed”

violation. If we’re afraid;

to feel safe, connected

we stop, go on alert,

or loved before they

become hyper-vigilant,

experience a stressor,

scan, and are ready totheir body-brains haveflee, to run. In sadness

less reaction to theand grief, we feel waves

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 5

of emotions welling up. We fold in and becomemonths. (People do get stuck in anxiety, rage, andsmaller, more childlike; the action tendency isdepression for very long periods of time.) So theto pull for comfort and support. If we’re feelingkey to being resilient around emotions is to stayashamed, we feel an inner drop like the rug isregulated, so the body sensations of the emotions

pulled out; we collapse, withdraw, disconnect,

can move through; even if that means becoming

hide to become invisible; anything to not draw

regulated by someone else, like a therapist or aattention.

friend. Once we are regulated, waves of emotion
can move through, and we can let them move

All of these emotions trigger active protective

through.

responses; sometimes resilient, sometimes not.
There are also emotions of delight, joy, interest,

One skillful way to hold and process ancuriosity, and play; when we’re activated andemotion is to allow the emotion; feel it fully andregulated. These emotions mobilize us to movecompassionately; and then skillfully allow a very

toward or approach an event, experience, or

positive pro-social emotion like gratitude, kindness,

person. Emotions of peacefulness and contentment

or compassion, to arise also; to allow the twoallow us to remain quietly alert in our window ofemotions to be present at the same time. Whentolerance.

the positive emotion is felt in the body strongly
enough, the neural circuitry of the two emotions

The prefrontal cortex is what allows us towill begin to pair together, fire together and wire

consciously feel, recognize and hold the waves

together. The positive emotion will literally re-of emotions as they move through our body; andwire the neural firing pattern of the negative

they do move through our body as long as we stayemotion. (See Exercise #3 for a simple exercise toregulated (as long as we’re not hijacked by the

do this.)amygdala revving up or shutting us down).
The neuroscience behind this: a mechanism of
We can feel hijacked by our emotions when weneural deconsolidation/reconsolidation discovered

get into a state that we can’t come back out ofin the last 10 years. When we remember an event,for a few moments, or hours, or days, or weeks, or

especially if we can evoke a body memory of theevent, and bring that body memory toconsciousness, we light up the synaptic

The Wellspring Institute
For Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom
The Institute is a 501c3 non-profit corporation, and it publishes
the Wise Brain Bulletin. The Wellspring Institute gathers, organizes, and freely offers information and methods – supported
by brain science and the contemplative disciplines – for greater
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html.

connections that hold that memory in
long-term storage, even implicit memory,outside of everyday awareness. The
memory network is lit up, the neurons are
firing. If we bring up a negative memory,and then bring up simultaneously amemory that contradicts or disconfirms thefirst memory, the two memories are now lit

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 6

up together, firing at the same time. Neurons thatand fosters an internal secure base within the child.

fire together wire together; the memory networks

When the child experiences fear, he or she runs

and the synaptic connections deconsolidate forto the parent for protection and comfort. We area fraction of a second, and then reconsolidate aneurobiologically hardwired that way. The drive tofraction of a second later, changed. The neuralseek physical proximity to a caregiver in times of

networks of the two memories have begun

perceived threat and danger is more primary thanconnecting together. When the second, more

the drive for food, and operates lifelong. When

positive or more wholesome memory is stronger

the parent protects or comforts the child, the fearthan the first, more negative memory, the second

response is quelled; and the exploration and playmemory trumps the first memory and changes it inmotivational systems open up (the child runs off

a more positive direction. This change, researchers

to learn). If children experience fear when they

are discovering, can be immediate, and it can beare away from their parents, but can remember

permanent. The process of deconsolidation/

or imagine the protection and comfort of theirreconsolidation is how trauma memories canparents, they can regulate, soothe and comfort

resolve, or even dissolve, and no longer hijack us.

themselves; they can re-group and go out to playor deal again. They are becoming resilient.

This process of deconsolidation/reconsolidationis very important for resilience, because once we

The attunement of early attachment builds a

experience this process happening even once, we

healthy resonance circuit in our brains. Veryknow we can do it again and again. Just knowing

briefly: neural networks fire in the brain when wethat strengthens our capacities for resilience.

“read” another’s facial expressions, eye gaze, bodylanguage, or hear the emotional meaning of their

Attunement
Our prefrontal cortex first learns the first
three functions - regulating the ANS, quellingthe fear response, and regulating emotions– in large part by being in relationshipwith caregivers who can do that for us.
Consequently, the capacity of caregivers toregulate their own ANS, quell their own fear
response and regulate their own emotions isa major factor in developing the regulatory
capacities of the prefrontal cortex of thegrowing child – or de-railing them. The
empathic attunement of a parent to the child’s
needs, moods, fears, and joys, internalizes in thechild a felt sense of a safe haven in the parent,

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 7

tone of voice. With input from the emotional
processing center of the limbic system, signals

Neuropsychologists see empathy as the integration

travel in these networks – in the junction ofof body-based information, emotional signals,

the temporal-parietal lobes (where “mirror-like”

and cognitive thought and beliefs about another’s

networks are) and in the insula (the structure ofexperience; making sense, making meaning,interoception; of knowing what’s going on increating understanding, and then checking out the

one’s body) – up to the prefrontal cortex. This isaccuracy of that understanding through a verbal

when we “know” what the other person is feeling,

feedback loop. I experienced the difference between

and it’s the foundation of the next function of theattunement and empathy when my mother died.

prefrontal cortex – empathy.

Many, many good people could attune to the grief
and disorientation I was feeling. And I found it

The prefrontal cortex takes up to 25 years to fully

was the people who had lost someone to death

mature, well into adulthood. So there are many

themselves who could deeply understand andopportunities for the brains of others – including

convey that empathic understanding of what I was

relatives, teachers, coaches, peers, and partners

going through, oftentimes more than I could grasp– to help the prefrontal cortex of the child’s

myself at that moment.

brain mature the resonance circuit that supports
the capacities of resilience. And even after the

Neuropsychologists now posit that it was thechild becomes an adult and the prefrontal cortex

need among our ancestors on the savannah tobecomes stable in its functioning, and the neural

understand quickly what other members of thecircuits of response to life become somewhat fixed,

tribe needed to communicate in terms of potential

automatic and predictable (sometimes seemingly

danger to the tribe, and the need to nurture a

intractable), the brain retains the capacity to growgrowing child and developing brain through suchnew neurons and re-wire its circuitry. It’s thea long period of dependence and maturation,

plasticity of the brain and the ongoing experiencesthat was the most influential factor in driving theof “feeling felt” that help us continue to mature, or

evolutionary development of the “higher” humanrecover in the first place, these attuning capacities

brain (the complex frontal lobes of the cortexof the prefrontal cortex well into adulthood.

that eventually developed language and all thecapacities of thinking, evaluating and planning).

Empathy
The prefrontal cortex, through self attunement
and self empathy, allows us to integrate all the
The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt senseparts of who we are – including split off, exiledof existing in the heart and mind of an empathic, at-parts – so we have all of the innate wisdom fromtuned, self-possessed other.

all layers of our being, and so we use up less

Diana Foshaenergy managing those split off parts throughdenial and dissociation. This integration produces
so many resources and frees up so much energy for

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 8

resilience.

Response flexibility is the fulcrum of resilience.
(And it’s where most coaching about resilience

The prefrontal cortex, through attunement andbegins.) In order to cope with change, we have tosocial engagement with others, integrates ourbe able to change how we cope. The more flexible

experience of self and others with other people’s

someone can be (not chaotic or floundering,experience of self and others (including us).

but simply no longer embedded in their neuralBrains develop in interactions with other brains,cement), the more options they can identify, andand the prefrontal cortex allows us to learn how

the more resilient they can be.

to live life resiliently from people close to us, aswell as from mentors, role models and literary andI recently learned an excellent protocol to promotehistorical figures. We can take in their resilience

response flexibility, from Alan Marlatt who uses

and help it inform and expand ours.

it in recovery programs. It has the acronym,
S.O.B.E.R.

Response Flexibility

STOP – The reactive emotional system gets a few
second head start on the prefrontal cortex when

We see the integrative function of the prefrontal

we feel stressed or upset, so we need to pause tocortex operating on
steroids in the capacity ofWords of Wisdom:

response flexibility: theResiliencecapacity to stop, hold theexperience (whatever it is),The Buddhist teachings are fabulous at simply working with what’s happening as

regulate the body arousal

your path of awakening, rather than treating your life experiences as some kind ofand emotional waves

deviation from what is supposed to be happening. The more difficulties you have, in

triggered by it, step backfact, the greater opportunity there is to let them transform you. The difficult things(which may require lots ofprovoke all your irritations and bring your habitual patterns to the surface. And thatpractice disentangling frombecomes the moment of truth. You have the choice to launch into the lousy habitual

one’s experience in thepatterns you already have, or to stay with the rawness and discomfort of the situation

moment and seeing clearlyand let it transform you, on the spot.

that this is one experience

Pema Chodron

in one moment, not theWe all accept that no one controls the weather. Good sailors learn to read it care-

only truth forevermore),fully and respect its power. They will avoid storms if possible, but then caught in one,think, reflect, andthey know when to take down the sails, batten down the hatches, drop anchor andevaluate. And then, fromunentangled engagement
and responsiveness, choose
wisely and act.

ride things out, controlling what is controllable and letting go of the rest. Training,practice, and a lot of firsthand experience in all sorts of weather are required todevelop such skills so that they work for you when you need them. Developing skill infacing and effectively handling the various “weather conditions” in your life is what
we mean by the art of conscious living.
Jon Kabat-Zinn

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 9

hold the turbo-charged reactivity of the ANS andmoment as only one possible experience of many

the amygdala. Just counting to ten, or five deep

moments. The experience of this moment is here

breaths, is often enough for the prefrontal cortex

now, but is not the only experience in this moment,

to be available to process the experience.

and it is not the only moment in a life. When we
can disentangle, step back, and reflect, we can

OBSERVE – Mindfulness practice is exquisitely

move from “poor me” to an empowered “I” that can

excellent in training the mind to observe what

act on its own behalf. This expanded perspectiveis happening in the mind and body, or theallows us to see any previous patterns of response

external environment, without reactivity or

as patterns. There can be new responses, newjudgment, without moving to fix or running

patterns, and once we see that, even once, theaway. Mindfulness breaks the automaticity of ourdoor is open to look for options and choices about

habitual reactions and allows us to see clearly whatanything and everything.

is actually happening out there and in our innerlandscape of response.

RESPOND WISELY – Role models and provenpaths of wise effort (letting go of the unskillful

BREATHE – Deep breathing does calm down theor unwholesome, cultivating the skillful or the

nervous system (back to the window of tolerance,

wholesome) can be great guides to making

always back to the window of tolerance) andresilient choices once we see, from an expanded

creates the pause we need to see clearly.

perspective, that we have choices. The most skillfulaction at the moment may be to endure, SOBER, in

EXPAND PERSPECTIVE – To be resilient, we

faith that eventually we can effect change, becausemust be able to disembed from the neural cement

it is in the nature of everything to change.

of habitual response; to detach from the experience
for a moment, and see the experience of the

Insight
The integrative capacity ofthe prefrontal cortex is alsoessential to be able to take inthe difficult truth of trauma
or tragedy – that “bad things
happen to good people.” To
cope with the mysterious andprecarious unpredictabilityof life, we have to be able toexpand our perspective from“why me?” to “why not me?”The realization that one’s
pain is part of the pain of theWise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 10

Between a stimulus and response there is a space. In thatknowing often below the level of conscious processing

space is our power to choose our response. In our responseof what makes the most sense. The prefrontal cortex

lies our growth and our freedom. The last of humanintegrates that “felt” knowing with conscious knowing

freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given set ofand allows intuition to guide our choices. (Seecircumstances.

Exercises to Practice below for simple way to tune in

Viktor Frankl

to your own intuition.)

human condition, allows one to get on with the work of
coping.

Morality
The words integration and integrity have the same
Latin root, meaning “whole” or “entire.” This last

The prefrontal cortex is what creates the coherent

function of the prefrontal cortex – morality – is notnarrative of a life; making sense and meaning ofabout right or wrong in the sense of following the rules.

everything that is happening to us as it happens (orIt’s more based on empathy and an understanding ofafter the fact, as in wise retrospect). To make sense

the inter-connectedness of all beings, so that we canof everything that has ever happened to us in one

make choices not just for personal survival (which thecoherent whole, we must be able to integrate “here’s

amygdala does full-time) but for the common good. And

what happened; here’s what I did or didn’t do; here’s

when we can let ourselves care about the common good

how well that worked, or not; here’s what I’ve learned;
here’s what I would do differently now or here’s how

There are no mistakes when there is learning.
Julia Butterfly Hill, environmental activist

I’m different now.”

The prefrontal cortex creates the neural integration

and receive from the common good, we can be muchof the “story” – how we relate to our experience – that

more connected and much more resilient.

becomes the platform for Dan Siegel’s acronym formental health, FACES: to be flexible, adaptive, coherent,energized, and stable. That is the platform for the next
step into the unfolding unknown.

Exercises
Exercise #1: Hand on the Heart
I’ve offered this exercise to activate the social
engagement system and keep us in the window ofIntuition

tolerance. It’s worth its weight in gold.

Besides a clearer and more conscious knowing ofPlace your hand on your heart. Breathe gently andwhat’s what and what choices we can make to cope

deeply into your heart center. Breathe into your heart

most resiliently, the prefrontal cortex allows a person

center any sense of goodness, safety, trust, acceptanceto sense into their own core values, to know at a deeply

or ease, that you can muster. Once that’s steady, callintuitive level what’s right for them . . . or not. We callto mind a moment of being with omeone who loves

this a gut feeling because the ANS – breath, heart andyou unconditionally, someone you feel completely safe

gut - are involved. But intuition is a deep and profoundWise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 11

with. This may not always be a partner or aparent or a child. Those relationships can be
so complex and the feelings mixed. This may
be a good friend, a trusted teacher. It may be
your therapist, your grandmother, a third gradeteacher, a beloved pet. Pets are great.

Perspectives on Self-Care
Be careful with all self-help methods (including those presented inthis Bulletin), which are no substitute for working with a licensed
healthcare practitioner. People vary, and what works for someone
else may not be a good fit for you. When you try something, startslowly and carefully, and stop immediately if it feels bad or makes
things worse.

As you remember feeling safe and loved

or perhaps a spiritual figure or mentor likewith this person or pet, see if you can feel thethe Buddha, Jesus or the Dalai Lama. Or you

feelings and sensations that come up with that

may choose to think of several people. (Whenmemory in your body. Really savor this feelingsomeone has to face a boss or a doctor, it’sof warmth, safety, trust and love in your body.

sometimes helpful to have a roomful, a whole

When that feeling is steady, let go of the image

circle.) Let yourself feel this sense of love andand simply bathe in the feeling for 30 seconds.

support throughout your body. Really soak it inand savor it. This is your refuge for pre-empting

Why might this practice help keep us in the

stress, and your resource for coping withwindow of tolerance? The hand on the heart andwhatever might come up as you go through yourthe deep breathing activates the parasympatheticday.

nervous system and calms us down. Evoking theimage of feeling safe and loved can activate therelease of oxytocin in the brain.

Exercise #3: Regulate Emotions
This is an exercise to create the inner space
where emotions can be skillfully felt, processed,

Exercise #2. Quelling the Fear Response

and moved through. First, sit quietly andThink of someone who loves you, supports you,comfortably. Breathe gently into your belly,

believes in you. It helps if you are rememberingslowly in and out, bringing a sense of goodness

or imagining someone who is somewhat resilient

into your belly. Breathe into your belly as thoughthemselves, but it’s more important that you feel

you were safe.

safe, connected, understood, and cared about by
them. This could be anyone; a partner, friend,

Now remember people or things in your life

parent, child, grandparent, teacher, coach, pet,you are grateful for. Savor the gratefulness
throughout your body. Remember

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moments of kindness in your life,
when people have been kind toyou, and when you have been kindto others. Savor the feeling ofkindness throughout your body.
Remember a moment of feelingloved and cherished by someone,

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 12then remember a moment of you loving andsat with me in the parking lot of the skilledcherishing someone, even a beloved pet. Savor

nursing facility where my 80 year old dad

the feeling of love throughout your body. Let

refused to stay after a stroke. She simply tuned

yourself claim the goodness of your own self

into my grief, confusion and despair, holding her

now.

hand on my back until I calmed down. No words,
just presence, until I could re-group and find

Then bring into this field of positive

the resilience to bring my dad home for anotheremotional energy and well-being a memorynine months of pretty good living until he died.

of loss, sadness or grief. Maybe not the mostThat’s attunement creating the neural conditions

overwhelming experience in your memory bank,of resilience.

but an experience of sadness, current or past.
Remain mindful of the feeling of the positive

Find a partner you can share an emotional

state in your body, and allow the feeling of theexperience with (a positive, joyful experiencesadness to be present in your body at the same

counts, too!). Sense their “getting” you,time. Simply notice what’s happening to theresonating with you, even without words. Pleasefeeling state in your body, noticing and being

practice this exercise with various people until

with. And when you’re ready, letting them move

you find someone who can indeed be a true otherthrough.

to your true self.
Exercise #5: Self-Empathy
Exercise #4: Feeling Felt

This exercise is for the parts of yourself that

This exercise requires working with someone
who can be present, open, engaged and curious,
about anything, while also being able to tune
in to you in the moment. Someone who can pay
attention and “read” your facial expressions,interpret the body language of your posturesand gestures and hear the meaning in yourtone of voice. Someone who can resonate (fromwithin themselves) with your experience in the
moment.
Attunement is deep listening, below the levelof words, to the emotional meaning of yourexperience. This attuned listener could be apartner, a good friend, a therapist, or someone
completely outside your regular acquaintance.
I’ve told the story before of a nurse who simply

Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 13

may be struggling to be resilient.

and empathy; receive the care, feeling loved andcared for by your larger self. Once these parts

Identify any voices in your “inner committee”

feel accepted and included (this is the integrativethat are struggling to be resilient in the current

function of the prefrontal cortex at work par

moment; any parts that are scared or shamed

excellence) your wiser self can once again be inor too angry to think clearly. Let them into

charge of responding flexibly to the situation.

your awareness, let them be without trying tochange them or push them away again. Then,

Exercise #6: Response Flexibility

to create the self-empathy for them, bring

Here’s one exercise to help with the Expand

to mind someone you love, someone you can

Perspective step of S.O.B.E.R.

unreservedly, unconditionally love. This could
be a benefactor, a dear friend, a beloved child or

Sit quietly. Focus your attention on one

a beloved pet. Feel the love you feel for them inparticular challenging situation in your life

your body. Sense the flow of love from you toright now. Perhaps not the most difficult rightthem. Then, when that’s steady, simply slip theoff the bat, but something sticky you’d like tostruggling parts of your inner self into thatpractice expanding your perspective around.

flow. Keep the love and empathy flowing. Don’t

Allow yourself to sit with the whole of theblink an eye. Let the love and empathy flow toexperience for the moment, noticing the way it

yourself. If you can, let yourself receive the love

feels in your body, the emotions it evokes, any
thoughts and beliefs about yourself
coming into awareness. Then remember

Words of Wisdom:

Resiliencethe many other things going on inyour life at this very same moment; thepeople, activities, other priorities or

I’m no longer afraid of storms, for I’ve learned to sail my ship.

interests that may have been pushed toLouise May Alcott

the background temporarily. Especially

Suffering alone cannot break the human spirit. Human sorrow is
not a pathology; it is a poignant inheritance we share with all thefamily of the earth. In the face of whatever loss, illness, or harm weare given, we remain people of great courage, wisdom and healing.
Wayne Muller
Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody
would do it. But it’s not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, andit comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not

identify things in your life that are notthis problem. Place the challenge inthe context of the whole of your life.
Then begin to imagine how you might
be relating to this experience a year
from now, and then five years fromnow; see the challenge in the context ofyour entire life. Begin to see how thisproblem is not the only thing happening

whether you avoid this failure, because you won’t. It’s whether you

in your life at the moment, and thislet it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn

moment is not the only moment infrom it; whether you choose to persevere.

your life. Sense a spaciousness in yourBarack Obama
Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 14

happen, and it is an included – not pushed away
– part of who you are now. No shame, no blame,
just part of the resilience you have now.

Exercise #8: Intuition
I’ve often done this technique with clients andconsciousness about this problem, and from thespaciousness begin to identify different possible
responses, even if they are a stretch compared towhat has been possible before.

with myself and it works more often that not.
Say you have to make a decision and you’re
ambivalent, both sides have pros and cons andyou’re not sure what to do. Decide in your mind
which one of these decisions is heads and theExercise #7: Coherent Narrative
This exercise is to integrate at least one
troubling or traumatizing experience from thepast into the coherent narrative of your life
now. Remember an event that was troublingor traumatizing for you in the past. State as
objectively as you can “here’s what happened.”
Remember what you did to cope at the time, how
you survived. Identify what you learned fromthe experience, what you would do differently
now that you couldn’t do then. (If you haven’t
done this step of learning up until now, take thetime to do it now.) Have the sense strongly thatyou are who you are now, remembering what
happened then. Have a sense of yourself now,large enough to hold what happened then.
Decide for yourself right now how you will holdwhat happened then in the story you have of
your life now, how it’s part of the meaning ofyour life now, how it contains lessons learned or
skills developed. If you can identify how what
happened has contributed to your resilience now,
great, but at least accept that what happened did

other is tails.
Notice what happens when you toss the coin.
It’s not that the coin toss decides, but there canbe an instant flash of knowing whether you
were glad for the decision and relieved, or you
were disappointed. That flicker of gladness
or disappointment is your gut reaction, yourintuition telling you what you’re feeling rightaway. You don’t have to follow it, but it’s there.
Linda Graham, MFT, specializes inrelationship counseling in fulltime private practice in San
Francisco and Corte Madera,CA.
She offers trainings andconsultation nationwide on
the integration of relational
psychology, mindfulness and neuroscience. Hermonthly e-newsletter, Healing and Awakening
into Aliveness and Wholeness, is archived
through www.lindagraham-mft.com.

Fare Well
May you and all beings be happy, loving, and wise.
Wise Brain Bulletin (4, 6) • 6/10 • page 15