In many countries, people increasingly talk about money such as how much theyearn or how much they pay for things in their daily conversations. Why is this thecase? Is this a positive or negative trend?
[2 回目]
目標スコア：7.0, 内容チェック希望
添削ありがとうございました。ご指摘いただいた点と、同じ言葉の繰り返しを避けるように書き直しました。よろしくお願いします。
→前回のエッセイに比べて大変良くなっています。次回表現チェックに提出してエッセイを完成させましょう！
Nowadays, people increasingly share information about their earnings and payment
how they spend their money（この文脈で payment だけでは意味を伝えるのが難しいです） in their casual conversation. This essay will explain the reason why it ishappening and why it is a negative trend.
A possible reason for people talking more about their financial status including income
and expenditure in their daily conversation is that people want to develop theirfinancial literacy. In modern society, people earn money not only from their full-time
job but also from passive income such as（such as の直前の例を示しますので、suchas に続くものが passive “income”の例になっているかを確認してみましょう）
owning property and stock market. Many people are interested in such financial
freedom and willing to collect practical information. Another reason is that they want tobe reassured about their financial situation. As the world economy is unstable andcreating a gap between rich and poor, people want to ensure their financial safety
objectively to avoid worse financial circumstances. →ボディの後半はやや抽象的なまま話が終わっているので、もう少し具体的に説明を広げられると読み手に伝わりやすくなりそうです。
I believe that people talking morebecoming more casual about their income andexpenditure casually is a negative（ボディ 1 とのストラクチャーの重複に注意しましょう） trend because it can increases the likelihood of being involved in crimes（increase crime は社会全体の犯罪が増えるようにも聞こえてしまいます）. Whenpeople know an affluent person, they are likely to share the details of such person withothers and it spreads out as a rumour. This can put people, who are well-paid andpurchased expensive houses and cars, at high risk of being a victim of fraud and burglary.
（情報が多くなっていますので情報を整理してできれば「考察」の部分に語数を割けるといいですね） Furthermore, the trend of people disclosing their finance casuallyis negative because it can damage relationships between family members and friends.
People who are wellWell-paid people can be expected to pay more or even lend money
to their family and friends. This damages trust and makes them estranged.
In conclusion, the reason why people talk about their finance casually is that they want
to develop their financial literacy and be reassured about their finance. I believe that
this is a negative trend because it can increase crimes and damage relationship withfamily and friends. (300)[1 回目]
目標スコア：7.5, スコアリング希望, 内容フィードバック希望
添削よろしくお願いします。
想定スコア 6.5 (Task Response:6, Coherence/Cohesion:7, Lexical Resource:7,Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6)
非常に難しいテーマですが、大変いいアイデアで大変良く書けておられます！内容はこのままでほぼ問題なさそうですが、ボディ 2 の後半のアイデアは見直してもいいかもしれません。また文法の乱れが散見され、非常にもったいない印象です。特にボディ 2 は慌てて書いておられるためか、表現や文法が疎かになってしまっています。次回の提出までに自分でブラッシュアップできそうなところは改善をしてみてください！
Nowadays, people progressively share information（progressively の使い方がやや不自然な印象です） about their earnings and payment in their casual conversation. Thisessay will explain the reason why it is happening and why it is a negative trend.
A possible reason for people talking more about their financial status including incomeand expenditure in their daily conversation is that people want to develop theirfinancial literacy. In modern society, people earn money not only from their full-time
job but also from passive income such as owning property and stock market. Many
people are interested in such financial freedom and willing to collect practicalinformation. Another reason why people talk about their earnings and expenditure ※下線の部分は 2 回目なので省略することができます。 is that they want to bereassured about their financial situation. As world economy（通常は定冠詞を伴います） is unstable and creating a gap between rich and poor, people want to ensure theirfinancial situation objectively（ensure の用法を辞書で確認してみてください） to
avoid worse financial circumstances.

I believe that people talk about their income and expenditure casually more and more isa negative trend（動詞が重複していますので文法を再確認してみましょう）
because it can increase crimes. When people know someone who earns an enormous
amount of money and owns expensive products, they are likely to spread out as arumour. This makes people, who are well-paid（簡潔に表現できる方法があればいい変えてみましょう） and purchased expensive house and cars, be targeted at fraud andburglary. Furthermore, this trend that（trend は通常同格の that を取ることができませんので the trend of…などに言い換えてみましょう） people talk about earnings
and spending money is negative because it can create an individual’s financial issue（できればメインアイデアを再検討したいところです）. By hearing other’s financial
situation, people are willing to spend money on products or holidays that others
enjoyed and highly recommended.（このセンテンスだけ見るとポジティブな印象にも聞こえてしまいます） Some of them may try to follow it and use money recklessly,
no matter how much money they have or owe.
In conclusion, the reason why people talk about their earnings and expenditure is thatthey want to collect information as a financial literacy and be reassured about theirfinance. I believe that this is a negative trend because it can increase crimes andindividual’s financial issues. (318)