ZEUS GRANTSSTUPID WISHESA No-Bullshit Guide toWorld Mythology
Cory O’Brien
ILLUSTRATIONS BY SARAH E. MELVILLEA PERIGEE BOOKA PERIGEE BOOK
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
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Copyright © 2013 by Cory O’Brien
Illustrations by Sarah E. MelvilleAll rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do notparticipate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of theauthor’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
O’Brien, Cory.
Zeus grants stupid wishes : a no-bullshit guide to world mythology / CoryO’Brien ; illustrations by Sarah E. Melville.— First edition.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-101-61967-4
1. Mythology—Humor. I. Melville, Sarah E., illustrator. II. Title.
BL311.O25 2013
201'.30207—dc23 2012042666
First edition: March 2013
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does

4/494

not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author
or third-party websites or their content.
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To Tiresias Chang
For giving me the idea for this whole thing
in the first place.
And to Christina Sheldon
I met you in a bar when I was thirteen
and promised to dedicate my first book toyou.
You probably thought I was joking.

CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATIONINTRODUCTION (Right after this tableof contents, dumbass.)

GREEK
Cronus Likes to Eat Babies
Zeus Sticks It to Semele a Little Too Hard
King Midas Is: GOLDFINGER
Tiresias Is TWICE the Man/Woman
You’ll Ever Be
Narcissus Probably Should Have Just
Learned to Masturbate
Persephone Is the Mother of Invention . . . No, Wait . . .
Hephaestus Gets Dicked Around a Lot

7/494

Orpheus Rocks Hard
Friends Don’t Let Friends Bang Cows

NORSE
The Norse Are METAL
Thor Gets Hammered
Odin Gets Construction Discounts with
Bestiality
Fenrir Is a DILF
Sex 4 Gold
Thor Gets Jacked
All’s Well That Mimir’s Well
The End of the Norse World as We KnowIt

EGYPTIAN
Ra Has Sex with Himself
Ra and Sekhmet, or: How Beer Saved the
Universe
Isis Has Bad Taste in Jewelry
Thoth Is Just Giving Out Scorpions
Horus Jerks Off in Set’s Salad8/494MAYAN
The Mayans Have the Most Brutal
Calendar
Hunahpú and Xbalanqué: ULTIMATEBALLERS
Zipacna and the Four Hundred BoysJUDEO-CHRISTIANGod Makes a Lot of Stuff
Cain and Abel Invent the Sibling Rivalry
Abraham Is Totally Cool About Stabbing
His Kid in the Face
Noah Is on a BOATKing Solomon and the Disposable BabyHINDUThe Hindus Like to Chop Dudes Up
Shiva Cannot Be Stopped
Anything Kali Can Do, Shiva Can Do
BetterGanesh Is the Very Definition of an Unplanned Pregnancy

9/494

JAPANESE
Izanami Gets Real Sore
Susanoo Has No Idea What He’s Doing
Amaterasu and the Crippling Depression
Tanukis Have Big Balls

AFRICAN
Obatala Has a Drinking Problem
Local Father Discovers Immortality withThis One Weird Tip!
Eshu Elegba Is Probably the Last DudeYou Want Approving Your Friendship

CHINESEPan Gu Is a Pretty Big Dude
Chang’e Is a Substance Abuser
Fei Chang-Fang and the Poop Mystic

SUMERIAN
The Ancient Sumerians Knew How to
PartyEnki and Nimmah Party Far Too Heartily10/494

Gilgamesh and
BROMANCE

Enkidu:ULTIMATE

NATIVE AMERICAN
Wisakedjak Is Highly Irresponsible
Killer-of-Enemies and the International
House of Vaginas
Rabbit Takes Summer Fun to the Next
Level
The Moon Is Made of Meat

UNITED STATES OF AMERICAN
The Creation Myth . . . of AMERICAJohn Henry Was a Steel-Drivin’ Man
Paul Bunyan Was a Log-Drivin’ Man
Pecos Bill Was a Cattle-Drivin’ Man
Davy Crockett Talks a Big GameThis Is What Tom Cruise Believes In
CONCLUSION: The Prevailing Creation
Myth
ABOUT THE AUTHORINTRODUCTION(Or, the Part of This Book You Can
Safely Tear Out If You Need to Make It
Slightly Lighter for Some Reason)’Sup, guys.
Here is a book I wrote, and I hope you
enjoy it. A lot of what is in it comes from my
website, which is on the Internet, but there isa lot of stuff that is only in this book too, likethis introduction. So I figure I better use thisopportunity to say some things about myths,
and the writing thereof.
First off, I think anybody who complainsthat a retelling of a myth is “inaccurate”
doesn’t really understand what it means toretell a myth, or probably even what a mythis. (Yes, there are some non-canon additionsin this book. I’m sure you’ll spot a few.) I12/494

always stay true to the general arc of thestory, but my retellings aren’t always canonin the obsessive fanboy sense.
I have spent the last three years frantically accumulating mythological knowledge
and distilling it into what some have affectionately called “the death of intellectualism.” I am proud of this, because I think that
lately, myths have suffered from a severe intellectualism overdose. Everybody’s always
studying them in school, or reading watereddown versions of them to little kids, andwhat that means is that hardly anybody has
the time to actually sit down and look at how
fucking funny these things are. I mean, for along, LONG time, the difference between agood story and a bad story was whether abard could memorize it well enough to not
get eviscerated by a mead hall full of drunken barbarians. These things are holy, sure, ina way. But they are definitely designed tocater to the lowest common denominator.

13/494

Speaking of common denominators, oneof the guys who I read a lot of while I was
making this book was a dude named Joseph
Campbell. He wrote a book called The Herowith a Thousand Faces, which is both an incredibly sweet title and an incredibly insightful book. One of the things he spends a lot oftime talking about is how similar the mythologies of different cultures are, and how thatarises out of our innate neurological similarities as human beings (you’ll see what I mean
when you get a ways into this book).
What I think is particularly interesting,though, and what I wanted to talk about
here, is one of the things he says in his introduction, which is that a lot of the psychological problems that we experience today may
stem from our rejection of mythology. Like,
if this stuff came out of our common humanbrain problems, isn’t it kind of dangerous topretend that they’re no longer relevant? I14/494

mean, sure, they’re a little outdated, but
that’s where I come in, my friends.
We can rebuild these myths. We have thetechnology. We can make them snappier,flashier . . . it would be hard to make themsexier . . . But you get where I’m going withthis. It’s been too long since someone
snatched these myths out of the past andpitched them screaming into our everyday
lives.
In The Hero with a Thousand Faces,
Joseph Campbell says that the role of the ancient priest, the role of guiding people
through their spiritual crises with mythology, has been taken over by the modern psychologist. Well, I’m no psychologist, but I
once talked to one for almost ten minutes at
a grocery store, so come on: Let me massage
your brain with my myths.

GREEK
Ahhh, the Greeks
dead longer than America has even existed
and still invading our lives with their myths.
If you drive a car you may have bought autoparts from Midas.
If you listen to Internet radio you might beacquainted with Pandora.
If you got laid today you might have spotteda Trojan on the condom
if you use condoms
which you should
but if you don’t
then you’re probably a lot like Zeus and/or
Aphrodite
SO YOU CAN’T ESCAPE THESE MYTHS NO
MATTER WHAT.

17/494

My friends, the extent to which we idolize
these Greek myths is ridiculous.
Poets can’t stop talking about them
we carve crazy Greek-looking columns into
all our national monuments
we name our planets after (the Roman versions of) themand NOW
you are about to get the inside scoop on
them.

CRONUS LIKES TO EAT BABIES
So everybody knows Zeus is the king of thegods right?
WRONG.
I mean, he is the king of the gods
but first of all, not everybody knows thatand second of all he wasn’t always the kingof the gods.
Because, see, for a while there was this guy
Uranuswho was a total asshole(haha, Uranus)
anyway he was the king of the gods, born outof the sky
or maybe it was the aether?

19/494

but either way he was definitely married toGaia
who some sources say also gave birth to him
so . . . awkward.
BUT LIKE I WAS SAYING
Uranus bones Gaia a bunch
because it is basically just him and Gaia
alone in the universe
and what else are they gonna do?
And they have a whole bunch of kids
but then Uranus suddenly decides he hates
all of the kids
and instead of likegiving them up for adoption or something
he just decides to try and STUFF THEM ALL
BACK INTO HIS WIFE
like “THESE ARE NOT THE BABIES IORDEREDI AM RETURNING THEM TO THE
BABYSTORE.”
Which I think demonstrates a really shocking lack of understanding20/494of how babies are made.
Now, Gaia is the entire Earth,understandso this would be fine if they were likenormal-sized children
you know, like BABIES or something
but they are not babies
they are TITANS.
OW.

you

So all these titans are writhing around in
Gaia’s womb going nuts
and Gaia gets seriously fed up with this nonsense and tells one of themwhose name is Cronus“Hey, Cronus
why don’t you and your candy-assed brothers get out of my womband do something useful, like murder yourfather?”and Cronus says “How ’bout I do you one
better21/494and saw off his balls?”
and Gaia says “That sounds like a fantastic
plan!
Here, have my ball-sawing scythe!”So one night Uranus is about to get busy
with Gaia again
I guess so he can father another baby andthen stuff it back into her
but instead of getting sex he gets a
SURPRISE PENISECTOMY
Cronus all jumping out from behind a rock
like “HAHA, GOT YOUR DICK, DAD.”
Which is something no son should ever haveto say to his father.
Then Uranus’s dick falls into the ocean
and makes a whole ton of foam
and that is where Aphrodite comes fromeventuallyfrom dick foam.
You know that painting with her standing on
the shell with all the angels and stuff?
Dick foam.

22/494

All of it.
So then Cronus is king of the gods suddenly
the gods being actually the other titans
including some dudes called the Cyclopes
who you probably know about already(they are the ones with the congentially poor
depth perception)
and also some other dudes called the
Hecatoncheires
who are significantly less talked aboutbecause they have A HUNDRED HANDSEACH AND THAT IS TERRIFYING.
So naturally Uranus especially hated thesefreaks when he was king.
And part of Cronus’s whole campaign platform for killing Uranus
was that he was totally gonna free thosedudes
but no sooner is he king than he goes PSYCH
and stuffs them right back into Gaia’s cooch
AGAIN.

23/494

So obviously Gaia is pretty sore about thiswhole thing
and then to make matters worse
an oracle tells Cronus that his kid is gonna
kill him.
and he’s like “OH SHIT
WHICH KID?
I’VE GOT LIKE A GAZILLION KIDSI NEED TO CUT DOWN
MAYBE I SHOULD STUFF THEM INTO
MY—waaaait a second
I’m becoming my father.”
So instead Cronus comes up with a moresensible alternative
which is to stuff all his kids into his
STOMACHbut the fact that he is eating his kids
does nothing to stop him from banging his
wife Rhea
because when you are king of the gods
banging is what you do.
So she keeps having kids

24/494and he keeps demanding to eat them
but after a while she catches on to his crafty
prank
and when she gives birth to Poseidon
she’s like “That’s weird, I gave birth to ahorse instead of a kid. Whoops.”
And Cronus has no reason to disbelieve her
because hey
if Aphrodite can come from dick foam why
can’t Rhea pop out a horse?
So he eats the horse instead of Poseidon
and then he gets Rhea preggers AGAIN
and this time she is pregnant with ZEUS
and when Cronus is like “HEY, WIFESERVE ME UP A DOUBLE-CHILDRENCHEESEBURGER
WITH WAFFLE FRIES AND EXTRA
PLACENTA”
she is super crafty and just takes a big rockdresses it up like a baby
and then feeds it to Cronus25/494

all like “Man, my womb is sure serving up
some crazy stuff lately, huh?”
But Cronus catches on to that prank pretty
fast
and starts running around putting random
parts of the world in his mouth
hoping to find the one that has his son in it
so Rhea is like “Hey, Zeus you know what
you should do?
You should go free those freaky mutant titans your dad imprisoned
and use them to murder your dad.”
And Zeus says, “I’ll do you one better:
how ’bout instead of killing him
I make him vomit up all my siblings
and then I just kinda . . .
imprison him somewhere?”and Rhea is like “Well, it isn’t very brutal
but it is kinda gross. So okay.”
So Zeus and those ugly one-eyed dudes andthe really ugly hundred-handed dudes
all siege the crap out of Cronus26/494

and then they stick their fingers down his
throatand he barfs up all the gods and goddesses orat least a lot of them(the rest of them get born later)
and then Zeus is the king of the gods
and those titan dudes are still ugly
so Zeus ends up imprisoning them all again.
So the moral of the storyis that if you are not ready to be a father
consider all of your options
before skipping directly to cannibalism.

ZEUS STICKS IT TO SEMELE A
LITTLE TOO HARD
So Zeus is just cruisin’ around, rightpickin’ mortal women to boneand he sees this priestess named Semele in
one of his temples
sacrificing this bulland then swimming naked in a river (to wash
off all that blood)HOT.
So Zeus
who is an eagle right now and also a super
creepy voyeur
is like WHOA BABYGOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT
and immediately starts having an affair withher.

28/494

Now Hera finds out about thislike she always does.
I mean, first of all
after the number of women Zeus has slept
withthis chick has got to have likespidey senses for infidelity
not that Zeus makes ANY EFFORT AT ALL
to cover his tracks
and second of all, why is Hera still his wife?
I mean is he just so incredibly unfaithfulthat it wraps around and he is actually agood husband?
Anyway, Hera finds out about this latest
sexcapadeand instead of divorcing her husband
she decides to prank him.
So she goes down to Earth and finds Semele
and she’s like “Hey, I’m Zeus’s wife.”and Semele is like “AAAAH DON’T KILL
ME”

29/494and Hera is like “Hahaha I’m not going tokill you.
I am fine with my husband’s infidelity forsome reason.
In fact I just wanted to let you knowthat he and I have WAYYYY better sex than
you and him.”
And Semele says “I dunno, man we have hadsome pretty epic boner adventures.”
And Hera says “Oh honey, you don’t evenknow.
Next time you two are doing the horizontal
monster mash
ask him to stick it to you like he sticks it toME.”
So Semele says “Hmm, okay
you can’t possibly have any ulterior motives
for telling me this.
I’ll do it.”
So next time she and Zeus get busy
she is like “Hold on there, bad boy

30/494

make love to me like you make love to your
WIFE.”and Zeus is like “Aww man, way to kill themood.
Look, if I did that, you would explode.”and Semele, thinking that he is speaking
figuratively
is like “Come on, handsome, I can take it.
and anyway, I totally won’t believe you’re
Zeus unless you do this.”
and Zeus is like “WHAT? NO, I’M TOTALLYZEUS WHO SAYS I’M NOT?”
and he turns into lightningand sets her on fireand she explodes
and Zeus is like “Aww dammit
I knew this was gonna happen.
Now I gotta save the baby I was keeping inside of her
especially since I’m pretty sure my wife isgonna try and eat it or something.”
so Zeus grabs the baby

31/494

as it flies out of its mother’s exploding corpse
and he thinks real fast and sews it up in his
thigh
and then after a few months of walking
VERY awkwardly
and avoiding his wife even more than healready does
he goes and hides in a caveand gives birth to this baby out his thighand this baby is none otherthan Dionysus
the god of drinking so hard you wake up with
TWO hangovers and then they FIGHT.
And laterwhen Dionysus grows up
he goes and frees Semele from Hades
and makes her a goddess
with a different name for some reason(Thyone)maybe so Hera won’t go catfight her ass.
So basically what this story teaches us
is that when you are having sex

32/494

you should never be lightning
but that’s not the last tomfoolery Dionysus
finds himself in the middle of.
Oh no, my friends.
Read on . . .

KING MIDAS IS:
GOLDFINGER
So one day, Dionysus wakes up from adrunken stupor to find his foster father
missing.
This surprises no one
because, see, Dionysus would not stand forhaving a foster father
who was not some kind of alcoholic satyrand so naturally the two of them just get
shitfaced like all the timeand Dionysus doesn’t even need to worry
about being hung over at school’cause his alcoholic foster father IS ALSOHIS SCHOOLMASTER.
His name is Silenus, by the way. He’s
awesome.

34/494

Anyway, Dionysus wakes up one day and Silenus is not there
because he got real hammered and passed
out in a rose garden
which happened to belong to this kingnamed Midas.
Now, Midas is a pretty good kingand I will tell you why:
It is because when he finds some drunk satyr
passed out in his rose garden
he does not get all butthurt about it and callthe guards.
No, he invites the guy inside and makes him
some sandwiches
and lets him crash on his couch for TEN
DAYS while he nurses his epic hangoverat which point he gives him a ride home to
Dionysus’s place
and Dionysus is all “NICE YOU BROUGHTMY DAD BACK.
Do you want a beer?”35/494

And Midas is all “No thanks, man, I gotta
drive home.”
And Dionysus is like “Well, I want to dosomething to thank you
but all I’ve got are these beers and thesewishes.”And Midas is like “I WISH FOR
EVERYTHING I TOUCH TO TURN TO
GOLD.”and Dionysus is like “DONE.”And then he and his dad go off to get trashedagain
and probably get lost and end up granting
some more ridiculous wishes
because that is how they do.
Anyway, Midas gets home and is like
“GENTLEMENPREPARE ME A MARVELOUS FEAST.”
And he sits down at his ludicrous feast table
and he picks up this big ol’ leg of mutton
but before he can put it in his mouth
IT TURNS INTO GOLD

36/494and he is like “OH NO.
Well, at least I can still get drunk.”
And he picks up his wineglass
which turns to gold, obviously
and he downs his wine
except that when it goes into his mouth it
also turns into goldand probably chokes him.
Maybe he even throws up in his mouth alittlebut if he doesthat shit TURNS TO GOLD.
AWESOME.
Actually I’m not sure what’s keeping all ofMidas’s organs and bodily fluids
from turning his body into a California Gold
Rush of suffering
but thank gods for the little things, right?
Anyway, King Midas is pretty hungry andthirstyand he can’t think of anything to do about
this shit37/494so he goes into his house and just starts turning everything into gold
because gods dammit
if he’s gonna starve to deathat least he is gonna starve to death in a weird
gold houseand he gets so caught up in doing thisthat he does not notice his daughter come into the roomand his daughter loves him so muchthat she just wants to surprise him with a
BIIIIG HUG
only she is the one who gets surprised’CAUSE HER ASS GETS TURNED TO GOLDnot just her ass either
her whole body, and also her clothes.
Also, she is not the only one who is surprised
Midas is pretty surprised too
because he has just accidentally killed his
daughterbut also made her like a billion times morevaluable.

38/494

Seriously, who needs kids when you havesolid gold statues of your kids?
But Midas doesn’t see it that way
because he has some kind of weird parent
thing.
So he starts crying
and his tears probably turn into gold
which is incredibly uncomfortableand just makes him cry more
but finally he gets ahold of himself and he’s
like “HEY DIONYSUSCOME FIX THIS SHIT FOR ME.”and Dionysus is like “What? Oh shit.
What have you done, man.
What is it with you mortals always starving
to death and petrifying your daughters?”
Okay, well, I guess what you can dois go bathe in this river called Pactolus
and that will solve your problems.”so Midas does that, and it takes away his
superpower39/494

while simultaneously turning all the sand in
the river gold
but does nothing to fix the factthat Midas’s daughter is made of gold
which was kind of the most important thing
but whatever.
So you know how when you’re eating a food
you really likeand then you get the flu
and you vomit nonstop for like nine wholedays
and then suddenly you do not like that foodanymore?
Okay.
So imagine your favorite food is gold
and instead of an upset stomach
your daughter is dead.
Now you understand how Midas feels.
So he turns into a filthy gold-hating hippie
and abandons his entire kingdom
and becomes a follower of this god namedPan40/494

who is a satyr and is in charge of playing music on some pipes
and Midas gets taught to play music byOrpheus
who I will totally tell you about laterbecause he is SO SWEET.
So then one day Pan is talking shit about
Apollo the god of guitar riffs and prophecy
and saying how he can totally play bettermusic than that guy
so Apollo shows up and is like “Bring it.”and Pan definitely brings it
and Midas is all clapping his hands andsinging along
but then Apollo just plays a SINGLE POWER
CHORD
and this power chord is so legit that thejudge just immediately gives him the win
But Midas is like “Dude, he didn’t even play asong.
Try not to choke on that dick, guys.”

41/494

and Apollo is all “I’LL TEACH YOU TO
LISTEN TO MUSIC CRITICALLY.”
and BAM
Midas suddenly has donkey ears.
He gets super-embarrassed and hides hisears under a massive turban all the time
but of course his barber knows his secretbecause even as a filthy hippie Midas is too
regal to cut his own hairand he swears the barber to secrecy
but the secret is TOO GREAT AND
IMPORTANT FOR ONE MAN TO BEAR
so the barber does the only sensible thingwhich is to dig a hole in the ground andwhisper the secret into it.
But then a bunch of reeds grow out of thedirt and start whispering the secret
everywhere
like “KING MIDAS HAS DONKEY EARS”
even though it is totally none of theirbusiness.

42/494

All of which just further proves the oldadage:
Mo’ money
mo’ problems.

TIRESIAS IS TWICE THE
MAN/WOMAN YOU’LL EVER BE
Let me introduce you to the baddest prophet
around.
His name is TIRESIAS.
So besides having an awesome nameTiresias is this guy who was out hiking oneday
and he sees these two snakes doing it
and so he just goes “WHAT?
I DON’T WANNA SEE NO SNAKES DOIN’
IT UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN.”
and just runs up and beats them to deathwith his trusty walking stick
LIKE A BADASS.
Now that’s all well and good

44/494

but apparently Hera was REALLY excitedabout seeing these snakes do it
because then she gets REALLY pissed
and says “SO YOU LIKE BEATING THE
SHIT OUT OF SNAKES, HUH?
WELL HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU. . . into a woman for some reason.”So bam, Tiresias becomes a woman for sevenyears.
He doesn’t treat it as a punishment basicallyat alland in fact he just shits right into Hera’s
hands
by becoming the best prostitute the world
has ever seen.
S/he invents so many new sex positions
that they have to revise gravity to accommodate them.
It is that kind of party.
So after seven years of awesome loveless sex

45/494

Tiresias is wandering through the mountains
again
and he/she sees two snakes doing it
and just says “Fuck it” and runs up and beats
them to death again
at which point Hera kind of sighs
and realizes that she is not going to teachthis motherfucker anything about
anything
and turns him back into a man
because if you are going around beating theshit out of reptiles
what are you, if not the ultimate man?
CUT TO A FEW WEEKS LATER.
Zeus and Hera have kind of an argument
which is not unusual for them.
The argument is about who enjoys sex more:dudes or chicks.
Hera says it’s gotta be dudes
presumably because she has never enjoyedsex with her awful cheating husband
and Zeus says it’s definitely gotta be chicks

46/494

presumably because he has a hyperinflatedsense of his own sexual prowess
so the two of them yell at each other andthrow lightning for a while
until finally they’re like “Wait a second
we totally know a dude who has also been achick
and has had SCADS of sex as both types.
Maybe we should try asking him?”
So they go hit up Tiresias like “Yo
who has sexier sex, dudes or chicks?”
And Tiresias is like “OH MAN
I thought you would never ask.
Now, I have had some sex in my day
I’ve played naked Twister and Boner Bingo
and all the different kinds of Yahtzee
but I’ve gotta say
when it comes to chicks and dudes
I actually figured it out mathematicallyand it turns out chicks enjoy sex exactly
NINE TIMES MORE THAN DUDES.”
And Zeus is like “HAH!

47/494

I TOLD YOU, HERA!
JUST BECAUSE I PUT NO EFFORT INTOOUR SEX LIFE
DOES
NOT
MEAN
THAT
YOUR
EXPERIENCE IS THE NORM.”
And Hera is like “GODS DAMMIT,
TIRESIAS
MY HUSBAND DID NOT NEED ANOTHER
EXCUSE TO NOT TRY IN BED.
LET’S SEE HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY SEXWITHOUT YOUR EYESSSS.”
and Tiresias is like “Well, actually the eyes
are not erogenous zones so . . .
OH SHIT, I’M BLIND NOW.”And Zeus is like “Hera, why you gotta be likethat?
Is it because I blackmailed you into marrying
me and now I only bang whores?
Because if so then there’s no reason to take itout on Tiresias.
Yo, T-dawg, I’m sorry about my wife, bro.

48/494

Lemme go ahead and give you the gift ofprophecy to make up for that.”
And Tiresias is like “Okay that works out
pretty well actually.”
And then after that he shows up in a wholebunch of stories
and he is always right about everything hesays
and no one ever fucks with him because he ispsychic and also probably a sex god.
So the moral of this story is for the fellas.
Fellasbefore you complain that pleasing your lady
is too difficult
try walking a mile in her boobs.
And as long as we’re talking about things
Tiresias did . . .

NARCISSUS PROBABLY SHOULDHAVE JUST LEARNED TO
MASTURBATE
So this story begins, like all good stories,
with a hot nymph.
She’s blue
literally, her skin is blue.
That’s not really important to the story I’m
just giving you all the facts.
Anyway, one day she’s out near some riverand the local river god Cephisus
who no one has ever heard ofis like “Maybe if I rape this nymph the othergods will take me seriously.”
So he half drowns poor Liriope by encircling
her with his winding streams(wink wink)50/494

and then at that point she really has nothing
to do but get seduced
so they have a kid.
This kid is named Narcissus.
Narcissus is gorgeous.
Like, imagine if someone could look exactly
like bacon tastes
and you have a pretty good picture of
Narcissus(unless you’re a vegetarian).
So his mom is like “Oh snap
my skin is BLUE and I STILL got raped.
What the hell is going to happen to my kid?
He’s not even a year old and already looks
like he could suck the red off a fire truck.”
So she takes Narcissus to see the baddest
motherfucker in the land
who is of course Tiresias
And Liriope is like “Is my son going to get
raped?”and Tiresias looks up from his work

51/494

which is beating snakes to death with a stick
whenever they try to get their freak on
And he’s like “Bitch, please.
Kid’s gonna be finejust as long as he doesn’t COME TO KNOWHIMSELF.”
And Liriope is like “What the hell does thateven mean?”
And Tiresias is like “QUIET, WOMAN.
I THINK I HEAR SOME SNAKES HAVING
SEX.”
Then he runs off, brandishing his stick.
So Liriope is just like whateverand Narcissus grows up to be a strapping
young ladso strapping in factthat by the time he is sixteen
every last person in his town wants to bang
the bajeezus out of him.
But Narcissus is like “Sorry ladies/dudes/
centaurs
I have unreasonably high standards.”

52/494

So basically, no one is happy.
Then one day
Narcissus goes walking in the forest
where bad shit just generally tends tohappenand this nymph named Echo sees him
and of course, being as this nymph has eyes
she is instantly head over vagina in love withhim.
There is a problem thoughwhich is that “Echo” is not just some kind of
playful nickname
it refers to the factthat she cannot say anything except forthings she has just heard other people say
because Hera got pissed off about how she
used to use her silver tongue
to buy Zeus some precious escape time during his adultery runs
and maybe also used her silver tongue on
Zeus in other ways.
Would that feel good, even?

53/494

A silver tongue?
ANYWAY.
So Echo is stalking Narcissus through thewoods
not able to say anything
but I guess she makes some kind of noise’cause then Narcissus is all “WHO’S
THERE?”and Echo is like “WHO’S THERE?”
and Narcissus is like “NARCISSUS”
and Echo is like “NARCISSUS”
and Narcissus is like “YES”
which Echo mistakes for consent
so she jumps out of the woods like “YESSSS”
and comes running toward him, totally nudeand Narcissus is like “Hey, totally naked hot
nymph
allow me to introduce you to my unreasonably high standards.
Unreasonably high standards, meet naked
hot nymph.”
So Echo runs back into the woods crying

54/494

except she probably can’t even cry without
hearing someone else do it first
but anyway she gets pretty butthurt about
the whole thing
and not in the good way that she wanted
so she just mopes around the forest
until her body actually DISAPPEARS
and only her voice remains
and then she uses that voice
to pray to Aphrodite(or actually Venus because this is the Roman
version of the story)
and is like “Mess this dude up for me, okay?”
I’m not sure how she managed to make up
this prayer all on her own
but I like to think she probably did itby hanging around the legions of chicks
who all wished Narcissus was dead because
he wouldn’t bone them.
So Venus hears the prayer and is like DONE
and Narcissus suddenly gets super thirsty

55/494

and the only water in the woods happens tobe this deep poolof crystal-clear springwater
so he starts drinking out of it
but then he stops
because he realizes that what he is drinking
is the face of the most beautiful man he hasever seen.
He falls so in love with this hunk of pubescent glory
that he pines after this dude for like, days
until he realizes
PLOT TWIST
the dude in the pond is actually a reflection
OF NARCISSUS HIMSELF
because apparently
for the last SIXTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE
he has NEVER SEEN HIS OWN
REFLECTION.
He has never taken a bathor like, had a cup of water56/494or, you know, stared REALLY HARD at abald guy.
He has led a pretty sheltered life, apparently.
So anyway he gets REALLY DEPRESSEDand like, rips off all his clothes
and refuses to eat
which not only makes him more attractive tohimself
but also deadand he goes down to basically the shittiest
part of helland spends the rest of forever staring at hisreflection in the river Styx.
Meanwhile, Echo’s voice shows up in thewoods and finds Narcissus’s bodyand is like “Dammit.
Wish I’d kept my body.
Can’t even fondle his corpse now.”
And she kind of feels pretty bad about thewhole thing
and makes a flower grow out of his corpse
as a kind of a consolation prize for dying.

57/494

So from now onevery time you see a narcissus flower
just rememberthat if you are beautiful
you should never drink water
because it is too dangerous.

PERSEPHONE IS THE MOTHER OF
INVENTION . . . NO, WAIT . . .
So Persephone is the daughter of this chick
Demeter
who is the goddess of like fertility and crops
and whatnot
and she is also incredibly hot.
So hot, in factthat Hades is down in the underworld (whichis also called Hades actually)and he looks up one day and he sees her andhe goes “DAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA
AAAAA
AAAA
YUM.
I gotta get me some of that.”59/494

So he just pops on up to the world in his
black chariot of ultimate wretchedness
and he says “Hey, little girl do you want tocome to hell?”and she probably would have said no
only he kidnapped her.
Basically Hades is the ultimate ladies’ man.
So then they’re kind of hanging out down inhell
and it’s always been pretty depressing in hell
but it’s actually a little bit better with
Persephone there
because she’s not a little emo bitch like
Hades is all the timeeven though he has a WHOLE BADASSKINGDOM ALL TO HIMSELF.
Seriously, why’s he always gotta be moping?
Anyway, Persephone pulls some interior decorating like some spooky feng shui and shit
and WHAM
hell is a pretty okay place to live all of asudden.

60/494

But all is not wellbecause meanwhile, Persephone’s mom, Demeter, is up in the regular world
fretting the shit out of herself over her missing daughter
and it does not help at all when she finds outthat she was kidnapped by the king of hell.
So Demeter gets real depressed
and when Demeter gets depressed
all the plants die
and everything freezes
and being alive just kind of starts to suckbecause she is the goddess of like crops andseasons and whatnot.
And see, up to this point no one has evenheard of winter
but now they are getting nothing but winternonstop and out of control
24/7/365
except actually maybe only for several
monthsbut either way

61/494

shit is intolerable.
So Zeus gets fed up
and he goes and hits Demeter up, and hesays“HEY, BITCH, WHAT’S WITH ALL THE
WINTER?”and Demeter says “Hmm, I dunno.
Maybe it’s because your brother is raping mydaughter in hell?”
And Zeus says “Hmm, good point.”
So he goes down to the underworldand he says “Listen, bro
I hate to block your cock, but likeshit is completely intolerable up in the realworld
and it is downright impossible for me to get
any quality dick laid downat this ball-freezing temperature.
So give Demeter her daughter backand don’t you dare try any funny businesssuch as for example feeding her any food at
all from the underworld62/494

because as you know
if she eats any of it
she will be forced to stay in Hades with you
forever.
’Cause that’s one of those dumb rules you
have when you’re a god.”
And Hades says “Yeah, bro, for sure. Thatwould be a tragedy.
Nobody wants that.”and then as soon as Zeus is out the door
Hades turns around
all like “’Sup, Persephone?”and Persephone says “’Sup?”and Hades is like “Hey, are you hungry?”and she says “Well, now that you mention it
I haven’t eaten or drunk a single thing since
you brought me down here months ago.”(Hades is the consummate host)
So Hades goes “Well, hey
absolutely the only thing we have to eat here
in the underworldis POMEGRANATES.”

63/494(Which is yet another reason the underworld
is awesome and Hades should stopwhining.)
So he starts feeding her the pomegranate
seeds one at a timeand he manages to stuff six into her mouthwhen her mom shows up
like “Okay, honeytime to go home”
and Persephone says “Okay
I was getting kind of tired of getting raped inhell anyway.”and Hades says “HAHAHA PRANK’DI FED HER SOME FOOD SHE HAS TO
STAY NOW”
And Demeter is like “ZEUUUUSSSS!”
And Zeus is extremely flusteredbecause he has probably just been interrupted in the midst of a whole litany of vigorous
boningand he says “OKAY
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS

64/494JUST . . . JUST FUCKING COMPROMISE
LIKE I KNOW THERE’S A RULE ABOUTTHE FOOD OR WHATEVER
AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY WE HAVETHAT RULE HONESTLY
BUT LIKEI AM LITERALLY FREEZING MY BALLSOFF UP HERESO HOW ABOUT HADES GETS HER FOR
SIX MONTHSAND DEMETER GETS HER FOR THE
OTHER SIX?”
and Demeter says “Fine
but I’m gonna freeze the shit out of
everything for the six months my daughter is gone.”and Zeus says “Fineguess I’m just going to have to double up on
the amount of banging I do in thesummer.”and Hades says “Fine65/494

I guess I’ll have to double up on the amountof banging I do during the winter.”
And it works out in the end
because both Zeus and Hades knowthat when either one of them is getting laid
he does not have to ever worry about thinking about the other one having any sex
and just ruining the moodbecause they both know for a factthat they are never getting laid at the sametime ever.
That’s how that works.
So the moral of this story is once again for
the gentlemen:
Gentlemenlearn to cook
one home-cooked meal, and BAM
she will be trapped inside of your houseforeveror for half the year if she has a good lawyer.

HEPHAESTUS GETS DICKED
AROUND A LOT
So one of the most inexplicable things about
the Greek pantheonis that Aphrodite is married to Hephaestus
Aphrodite is like the high school cheerleaderof the Greek pantheonand Hephaestus is the guy with the gimp leg
who is always making historically accurate
World War II models.
He doesn’t actually make World War IImodelsbecause World War II has not been invented
yet
but he does have a gimp leg I’m not making
that part up.

67/494

He got it because when Zeus and Hera first
had himhe was SO UGLY
that they actually THREW HIM OFF OF
MOUNT OLYMPUS
and he fell for seven days
and they only ever let him back up on
Olympusonce he showed them that he could makethem really nice jewelry.
ZEUS AND HERA:ULTIMATE PARENTING
Look, the point is that Aphrodite is the goddess of boning everyone all the timeand Hephaestus is the god of sitting in aforge all day
making armor and swords for all the muscley dudes
who go out and murder other muscle-ydudes and then bone everyone all the time
So why the fuck is Hephaestus married to
Aphrodite?

68/494

How did he score such sweet tail?
Well, first of all Hera felt bad about chucking
him off a cliff
and her idea of an apology was to GIVE HIM
APHRODITE.
(Ultimate parenting)
And second of all
Aphrodite is the goddess of boning
EVERYONEALL THE TIME
so it’s not like she’s gonna actually be faithfulor anything
and in fact she is sort of making a habit ofboning Ares the god of war
who is like the quarterback to her slutty
cheerleader.
Sheisactually
doing
this
IN
HEPHAESTUS’S BED when he is out working at the forge
probably making armor for Ares even.
But Hephaestus gets wise to their crafty
scheme69/494

mainly because the Sun is a gossipy bitchand he decides to show his cheating whore ofa wife what’s what
WITH SCIENCE.
So he melts down the armor he was making
for Aresand he uses all the metal to make somechainsand then he uses his mad skills to turn thesechains into a giant indestructible netthat is also invisible somehow
and then he hangs the net over his bed like a
canopyand the next time Aphrodite and Ares hop in
there for a little bit of wango bango
Hephaestus leaps into the room all like
“SURPRISE, BITCH!”
Except he can’t leap because he has a gimp
leg
but anyway he drops the net on themand it traps them on his bed

70/494

BUT THE JOKE’S ON HIM because they had
no intention of leaving the bed
and they’re both like “Welpwe’re caught.
Might as well continue our boner fiesta inplain view.”
BUT THE JOKE’S ON THEM
because Hephaestus invited all the othergods to come hang out in his bedroom today.
So they all start rolling inand Dionysus is laughing his ass off
because he can totally see nipple
and Poseidon pokes Zeus and says “Would
you tap that?”
and Zeus says “Probably I already have.”(I am not making that up.
That shit is in The Odyssey.)
But really the joke is still on Hephaestus
because his wife is boning another man rightin front of him
and even the best blacksmith cannot repair abroken relationship.

ORPHEUS ROCKS HARD
Seriously, this dude has all the hookups.
First of all his mom is a Muse
specifically the Muse of singing.
Second of all, when he is like five years old
Apollo shows up at his house
all like, “WHAT UP, ORPHEUS
I AM HERE TO BANG ONE OF YOUR
MOM’S SISTERS
HEY, DO YOU WANT A LYRE?”
For those of you who don’t knowa lyre is basically a kind of ultraharp.
Pretty much how it works
is if Apollo gives you one then you have a future in the music industry.
So naturally at some point Orpheus just goes
down to Earth72/494and starts melting face with his amazing
music.
Seriously, this shit is fantastic.
It is so fantastic that when this dude Jason isgetting some Argonauts together(Argonauts are dudes who go around on aboat called the Argo)
he is like“I know we are all seriously bad dudes on
this shipwith like muscles and stuff
but you know what we need?
We need a dude with a lyre.”
And they get Orpheus.
And then when they sail past the Sirens
who sing such sexy music that any dude whohears it drowns himself trying to hit that
Orpheus proceeds to solo SO HARD
that nobody can hear the Sirens
and anyway nobody cares
because Orpheus is wayyyy better than thoseskanks.

73/494

So obviously a dude like this is pulling down
tail left and right
like he’s trying on costumes at the Godzilla
costume warehouse
but his favorite chick is this broad named
Eurydice.
I don’t know that much about her
but probably she was pretty hot
because, I mean Orpheus was essentially theultimate rock star
with, like
additional rock stars taped to each of his
fingers.
He had his pick of the crop is what I’msaying.
But Eurydice is none too bright.
because one day
when she and Orpheus are out walking
she steps on a shitload of snakes
and the snakes kill her, obviously.
This is what happens when you step on
snakes.

74/494

If only Tiresias had been around this might
never have happened.
So Orpheus just sits right down and composes THE ULTIMATE EMO SYMPHONY.
It is so incredibly drenched in secret painthat Zeus comes down and is like “Hey, man
I cannot get these chicks in the mood withthis Linkin Park shit you got goin’ on.
Play some Barry Manilow or something,jeez.”
But Orpheus says “Sorry, man I am just way
too bummed.”
and Zeus says “Okay, crybaby
why don’t you just go down to Hades and getyour lady back, then?”Orpheus says “I think I will.”
So Orpheus goes to Hades
and he just charms the pants off of Hades so
hardwith his lyre and his singing
that Hades says

75/494“Fine, dude.
Give me back my pants you just charmed off
and I will give you back your woman
but only if you pass a ludicrous and arbitrary
test:
See, your chick’s ghost will follow you all theway out of Hades
but you can’t look at her until you’re both in
the real world, or I get her for keepsies.
Make sense?”and Orpheus says, “Not really, but okay.”
And he starts walking.
And on the way out he sees a bunch ofdemonsSo he’s like “Hey, demons.”
And they’re like “’Sup, Orpheus?”
And he says, “Oh, just leading my chick outof hell.”
And they say, “Your chick? What chick?”and then they kind of chuckle a little bit.
So this is making Orpheus nervous like,
REAL nervous

76/494and he really wants to look
but he knows he can’t lookso at the VERY MOMENT that he steps outof Hadeshe turns around to see if she’s really there
and guess what?
SHE ISbut she is STILL IN HELL.
So Orpheus fails the test
and Eurydice disappears foreverand he’s back to square motherfuckin’ one.
This upsets him so much that he vows to
only screw underaged boys for the rest of his
life.
So he goes and sits on a hilland dyes his hair black and just plays emo
shit all the time
until one day all of these followers of Bacchus show up
and they’re like “Hey, dude, we’re having aparty right here right now.
You still down with Bacchus?”77/494

and Orpheus is like “Fuck no. I only worshipthe SUN.”
And they are like “Dude, are you sure aboutthat?
We are a bunch of hot chicks and we areabout to have an orgy
and only people who are down with Bacchus
are invited to the orgy.”
And Orpheus says “Hell no. I only have sex
with people’s SONS.”
And the chicks are all like, “Well, okay, if you
say so”
and then they tear off his skinand rape his corpse
and rip his head off
and chuck it into a riveralong with his lyre which he is inexplicably
still able to playand he just floats off down the river making
awesome music forever.
So the moral of the story is78/494

Unless you can play your instrument withyour head ripped off
and your arms and skin missing
You Are Not a Real Musician.

FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDSBANG COWS
So this dude Minos is having all kinds ofproblems being king of Cretebecause his brothers all want to be the kingof Crete insteadso they are all murdering each other likenonstopuntil Minos is like “Hey, Poseidon you
should make me win.”
And Poseidon is all “Okay I am going to send
you a bitchin’ white bull.
It means you will win
but you have to kill it later in my honor.”
And Minos says “Sure, okay, just make meking already.”
So Poseidon sends this bull

80/494

and Minos becomes kingbut then he REALLY likes this bull.
I don’t think you guys understand what hot
shit bulls were in ancient Greece
you have to remember Minos didn’t have theInternetso bulls were like THE HEIGHT OFTECHNOLOGY
and this was like the APPLE IPAD OF
BULLS
so he decides “How ’bout I don’t kill thisbull?
What’s the worst that could happen?
I’m already king, right?”
WRONG.
Well, I mean, he is already kingbut something bad definitely happens
because Minos has a wifeand Poseidon goes and hits up Aphrodite like
“You know what you should do?
You should make Minos’s wife
fall in love with MY BULL.”81/494

and Aphrodite looks up from giving Ares ablow job and she’s like “Okay, lemme justfinish this.”
So all of a sudden Minos’s wife is like madattracted to this cow
but the problem is that the cow is not at all
into chicks.
Human chicks, I mean.
It’s not a gay cow.
Not that that would have been a problem.
Some of my best friends are gay cows.
But anyway Minos’s wife has this brilliant
idea so she calls up this dude Daedalus
and she is like “I need someone to build me a
giant wooden cow suit
so I can fuck cows”
and Daedalus
who is a fantastic genius inventor with noconcept of right and wrong
is like “Sure, no problem.”And he makes her the suitand she puts it on

82/494and she goes out and makes hot animal loveto that bull
simultaneously inventing furries
and getting totally preggers
and Minos is none the wiser until she gives
birth to a HIDEOUS COWBABY
aka THE MINOTAUR.
So Minos does the smart thing and calls up
the Oracle at Delphi
because that never leads to bad decisions
and the Oracle says “Dude, just build a mazearound it. No harm no foul.”
So Minos calls up Daedalus(the same Daedalus who caused all these
problems with his excellent cow suit)and he hires him to build this awesome mazeand then instead of paying him with money
he pays him with years in prison
locked in a tower over the ocean with his son
Icarus.
Minos is a dumbass though83/494

because he has locked a master craftsman
and his son in a tower
along with an apparently unlimited supply offeathers and wax.
So they make wings with that stuff
and jump out the window.
But you know who else is a dumbass?
ICARUS
because he does not understand that the sun
is made of heat
whereas his wings are only made of wax andbird hairso he flies way the hell up toward the sun
and the sun says “Aw hell no”
and Icarus’s wings melt and he drowns
and his genius dad lives happily ever after nolonger hampered by his dumbass sonor else he flees all over the country for years
trying to avoid Minos
before finally convincing someone to murder
Minos in a bathtub
or maybe both

84/494

and then it turns out Daedalus even fucked
up the labyrinth
because a few weeks later some dick named
Theseus just rolls in and kills the minotaur
and then escapes and gets laid a whole bunch
and then falls off a cliff and diesbut that’s a whole other story and I just told
you all the good parts anyway.
So the moral of the story
is don’t count your chickens before theyhatchbecause the chickens might be minotaurs.

NORSE
Holy shit, my friends
this mythos we are coming up on right now
is the cosmological equivalent of Frenchkissing a battle-ax.
These myths are rude, crude, and probably
radioactive
they play music too loud and draw disapproving looks from the elderly
they will wake your mother up in the middleof the night by driving a Humvee through thearmoire.
Seriously
any mythology in which the principal characters are a suicidal pirate-wizard
and what essentially amounts to a beard witha hammer sticking out of itis the mythology for me87/494

and for you too
once the Norse get through with you.

THE NORSE ARE METAL
So you might already know the way the
Greeks thought the world got madeand also the Romans because the Romans
are goddamn copycattersand maybe you have listened to some scientists or some creation scientists
and you know one or two other ways.
ListenI want you to forget everything you know
about creation myths
because this mythis going to BLOW YOUR DICK OFF FROM
PURE WONDERMENT
and if you do not have a dick it is going to
SEW ONE ON
and then IMMEDIATELY BLOW IT OFF.
Wanna know why?

89/494

because it’s NORSE MYTHOLOGY TIME.
SHIT YEAH.
So to start out, the world is already prettybadass.
It is just two things:
One is a sea of pure all-devouring fire called
Muspellguarded by a dude named Surt who is just
WAITINGto ride out and murder all the gods and then
set the world on fire.
By comparison, the other half of the world ispretty lame.
It is just a whole bunch of ice called
Niflheim.
But the best part is that in between Muspelland Niflheim
there is a big-ass trench called Ginnungagap
which is empirically proven to be the number
one funnest thing to say.
Go ahead and say it. I’ll wait.

90/494

So Ginnungagap is where shit starts to getrealbecause the cold from Niflheim
bumps up against the heat from Muspelland causes a bunch of vapor to condense
in Ginnungagap
to create a frost giant
in Ginnungagap
named Ymir(not Ginnungagap)
Actually, Ymir is more of an ogre than a
giant
and he is actually more of a wuss than an
ogrebecause what is the first thing this guy does?
He goes to sleep
right there
in Ginnungagap.
Sleeping and sweating like a motherfucker.
He sweats so hardthat a man and a woman grow out of his
armpit91/494

and then he sweats EVEN HARDER
causing his legs to fuck each otherand have a babyso then this cow shows up and starts shooting milk everywhere
and Ymir drinks all of it’cause there’s pretty much no one else todrink itother than his legbaby and the armpit
people.
Then the cow gets bored and starts licking
iceand all of this licking melts away enough ice
to form the shape of a dudeor maybe it is just the same dude who appeared in Ymir’s armpit.
(Ymir has mastered the fine art of being aneglectful father.)
Anyway, this guy’s name is Bor.
He marries Bestla, the daughter of somegiant.
Maybe the daughter of Ymir, who knows?

92/494

Bor is quite a catch because he is the only
man in existence.
So Bor and Bestla have three kids
Odin, Vili, and Vé.
Really the only one anyone gives a shit about
is Odin.
He is the ruler of all things, essentiallyand he gets his brothers to help him kill Ymir
who is probably still asleep
and has definitely not done anything to deserve being murdered
but Odin seems to think that he has become
TOO EVIL
which probably just means that he was snoring REALLY LOUD.
Whatever the reason, they kill Ymir.
Nice patricide, Odin.
What are you going to do next
further desecrate your grandfather’s body bytearing him apartand using his limbs as decoration for a universe you and your brothers are making?

93/494

Yes.
This is exactly what Odin and his brothersdo.
I mean you gotta give them credit
they use pretty much every part of this dude.
Like, not only do they make his blood intolakes and oceans
and his bones into mountains
and skin into earth
and his teeth into tiny rocks
but they use his skull to make the sky
which is such a dumb idea that they have to
get some cheap slave labor to make it
work.
So they go over to Ymir’s corpse
which is crawling with maggots at this point
and they are like “Hey, maggots
wanna be a sentient humanoid species?”
And the maggots are like “DO WE?”
So they turn into dwarves
and Odin is like “Great, awesome

94/494

how about you repay us by holding up thisskull we found.
We wanted to make it into the sky but skulls
are not really meant for that.
We’ll even name the guys who do it North,South, East, and West.
It will be awesome.”
And the dwarves are like “Okay, fine.”
But listen, guys
just because they have already used Ymir’sskull and skin and bones and teeth and blood
does not mean they are finished defiling his
corpsebecause the next thing they dois they chuck his brains into the air
and they become CLOUDS.
Did you think clouds were beautiful fluffy
collections of water vapor?
WRONG, ASSHOLE.
BRAAAAINS.
Then they make the stars out of all the
sparks coming out of Muspell95/494

and give all the land along the coast to thegiants
I guess to say sorry for murdering Ymir andbuilding a world out of his corpse.
But the giants are still pissed
and Odin is like “I need a fort to protect myself from all these giants.
What will I build it out of?
Oh, I know
EYEBROWS.”
The fort he builds becomes a safe haven for
all the humans, called Midgard.
Also, they drag Ymir’s corpse overGinnungagap
And Odin makes a place called Asgard
using surprisingly few of Ymir’s body partsand he lives there with his wife, Frigga
and is startlingly faithful to her
and fathers all the other gods, who are called
the Aesir.
So the moral of THIS story96/494is that we need to invent space travel with aquicknessbecause all of Ymir’s body parts are about to
get REAL ripe, REAL fast.

THOR GETS HAMMERED
When Odin finally gets done making theworld
and settles down to get busy with his wife,
Friggathe first radical dude to get born is named
Thor.
Thor is pretty much the baddest motherfucker you will ever lay eyes on.
In fact, if you ever laid eyes on him
he would probably walk up to you and
DESTROY YOUR EYES WITH HISHAMMER.
Thor’s hammer is called Mjolnir and it wasmade like so:
So Loki (the god of being a needless prick all
the time)

98/494

sneaks up on Thor’s wife, Sif, one day
and shaves off all of her hair like he’s one of
the guys on Jackass or something
and Thor really loves hair, I guessso he gets SUPER ANGRY and he chases
down Loki and is like “Heyhow about I cut off all your FACE?!”and Loki is like “But I need my face for making infuriating smirks with!”
And Thor is like “Well, how about . . . I justbreak every bone in your body?”
and Loki is like “No, I need those too.
How ’bout instead I have the dwarves makeyour wife some new hair?
it will be made of GOLD and it will grow like
NORMAL HAIR.”and Thor is like “AWESOME.”So Loki goes to these dwarves
like “Guys, I sorta promised Thor that you
would make his wife the ultimate
toupee.”And the dwarves are like “Sure, no problem.

99/494

Do you want us to make it out of gold
or DOUBLE GOLD?
We REALLY FUCKING LIKE GOLD because
we are DWARVES.”
Hey, by the way I’m sorry if I’m being racist
against dwarves
but that is just how dwarves are, okay?
Some of my best friends are dwarves.
Anyway, Loki is like “Regular gold is fine”
and the dwarves are like “Okay, okay
well, how about we also make you a boat
called Skidbladnir
which can fit all your friends and all yourtreasure
and always has wind in the sails
and can be folded up and put in your pocket
when not in use
and how about we also make Odin a spear
scratch that, an UNSTOPPABLE spear.”and Loki’s like “Damn.
All WE ever did for YOU GUYS was makeyou hold up the sky for forever.”100/494

So Loki brings all this sweet loot back to thegods
and then he gets this great idea
which is to bet the dwarves that they can’t
make three more EVEN BETTER
treasures
FOR FREE.
But he doesn’t have much cash on him, so instead he just bets them his HEAD.
And these dwarves named Brokk and Eiti
take the deal
because it’s not like they have to bet anythingthemselves
and they go to the forge
and Brokk pulls out this big-ass boar skinand he is like “Okay, Eiti.
It is completely crucial that you crank thebellows constantly.”
so Eiti starts doin’ it
and pretty soon a big-ass fly lands on his
hand and stings the shit out of it101/494

but Eiti does not care. He is going crazy withthat bellows.
and Brokk makes what he was trying to
make.
He brings it to Loki and is like “Okay so we
all love boars, right?
But you know what would make a boar evenbetter?
GOLD.
GOLD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.
I AM A DWARF AND I COVERED THISFUCKING BOAR IN GOLD.”
Okay, look, guys, I am just telling the story.
It is not fair to apply our modern conceptionof racism to a bygone past, okay?
I forget what the term for that is, but don’t
do it.
Anyway the filthy dwarves still need to maketwo more things
so Brokk decides to cut out the middleman
and just put some gold directly on his forge

102/494

and he’s like “Hey, Eiti remember what you
did with the boar?
Just do exactly that, because it is totally
crucial.”so Eiti starts working the bellows and lo andbeholdthe same fucking fly shows up and bites him
on his NECK
but Eiti just toughs it out and keeps on
pumpin’and Brokk finishes the thing he was making
and brings it out to Loki
like “Check this gold ring I made.
I call it Draupnir.
But see the thing is, this is just one gold ring.
Do you think that is enough gold? I don’t
think that is enough gold
so what I made it do, is every ninth night
it shits out EIGHT IDENTICAL RINGS.
There will be SO MANY RINGS.
I can melt them down for their gold
and use them to make more rings103/494

that drop out MORE RINGS.
I HAVE CREATED INFINITE GOLD.
This is the dream of every dwarf, because welove gold so much.
Did you know we invented rings so we could
have sex with gold?”Okay, okay, hold on, guys.
If you have any dwarf friends
maybe you should just have them not readthis myth
if they have read this far it is already too late
we’re pretty much done with the gold partand you have lost a friend.
Anyway, then Brokk puts a big-ass chunk ofiron on the forge
And Eiti starts pumping that bellows
and then this SAME FUCKING FLY comesback and bites his eyelids. His EYELIDS.
But Eiti still just keeps on pumping
until blood from the gaping wounds this fly
has inflicted trickles down into his eye

104/494

and he takes one hand off the bellows to
wipe away all the bloodand the bellows stops and everything is
RUINED.
It was supposed to be a hammer called
Mjolnirbut now it is a hammer called Mjolnir WITH
A KINDA SHORT HANDLE
and Brokk is like “Dang maybe I won’t get
Loki’s head after all.”But he still bundles up all the shit and takes
it to Asgard because quitting is for pussies.
And in Asgard all the gods are like “HOLY
DAMN
YOU MADE A RING THAT SHITS OUT
MORE RINGS.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A DWARF TO
APPRECIATE INFINIGOLD.
Oh, and the boar is pretty nice too.
It could use more gold, maybe.”
And then Thor is like “Guys, this hammer isso sweet. It hits anything I throw it at105/494

and then it always comes back to my hand.
I mean the handle is a little bit short but that
doesn’t keep it from NEVER MISSING.
Guys, do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?
This is the best Norse Christmas EVER.”
and Brokk is like “Looks like I won the bet,
Loki
I am going to dip your head in gold and thenprobably fuck it.
That’s what I do, because I’m a dwarf.”
Look, I lied when I said the gold part wasover.
If you had your dwarf friend just keep reading because you thought the damage wasdonethen I am really sorry, man
but you need taller friends.
So Loki starts running as fast as he canbut Thor just got that hammer that can hit
anything 100 percent of the time

106/494

so he just kind of knocks Loki out and brings
him backand Loki is like “WAIT
I promised you my head but I never promised you the neck it rests on!
So you can’t cut it off. HAH.”
So Brokk just sews Loki’s mouth shut insteadwhich is probably the best thing foreverybody.
So what we have learned today
is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts
so you should try and make up with yourdwarf friends
no matter how short they are, or how badthey smell
or how much they keep eyeing your gold
earrings
and licking their lips.
But that’s not the last wacky plan the gods
come up with to avoid paying for shit . . .

ODIN GETS CONSTRUCTIONDISCOUNTS WITH BESTIALITY
So as our story begins everything is going
pretty good
the giants are leaving everyone alone for aminuteand everything is pretty okayso obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up
by making a shitty deal with a giant.
He is like “Hey, giant
bet you can’t build a wall around my entire
city in nine months.”
And the giant is like “What do I get if I win?”
And Odin is like “Well, I’m kinda cash poorat the moment.
How about Freyja?”108/494(Freyja is the goddess of love and other icky
stuff
gifted to the Aesir by a group of identicalgods they tried to kill one time.
What Odin is doing is called regifting and it
is in poor taste.)
But Freya is way hot, so the giant is like
“Sweet, okay.”
And Odin is like “Oh, and if you can’t finish
the wall in time, then I get it for free.”And the giant is like “Sure dude, whatever.”Now Odin is pretty confident that there is no
way the giant can build a wall in time.
I mean, Asgard is pretty much HUGE.
They had to build a six-mile-long feast halljust to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT.
So he just sits back and prepares to have apartially finished wall
TOTALLY FOR FREE.
You don’t become a god by being bad withmoney that is a fact.

109/494

But this plan is about to backfire SO HARD.
The giant and his unreasonably strong horse
are putting up this wall like it’s going out ofstyle.
There are still several months to go
and the wall is almost totally finished.
So Odin is like “Oh shit, I might have to pay
this giant for all the work that he’s doing.
UNACCEPTABLE.”
So he calls up Loki like “LOKI SOLVE MY
PROBLEMS WITH GIANTS.”
And Loki is like “What? Why?”
And Odin is like “REMEMBER HOW WE
HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I
SAY?”
And Loki is like “Oh yeah.
Why did we do that again?”
And Odin is like “NO TIME FOR
QUESTIONS. STALL THAT GIANT.”So Loki is like “Sheeeeyiiiit.
I’m a pussy. I can’t stop a giant.

110/494

But WAIT!
I can stop his horse!
WITH MY PUSSY!”
so he turns into a superhot sexalicious
girlhorsewith her lady parts all distended andpungent
and the manhorse gets a whiff of that shit
and is like “I AM CALLING A TIME-OUT
ON ALL THIS WORKING.
A SEX TIME-OUT.”(Feel free to use these in your everyday life.
I know you were all searching desperately forsome way to justify dropping everything
and just having a bunch of sex.
NOW YOU HAVE THAT JUSTIFICATION.)
So then the giant is like “How am I supposed
to finish this wall without mypowerhorse?
I feel like I may have been cheated by Odin
just now.
I’m going to go yell at him.”

111/494

So he goes to Odin’s room like “ODIN WHATDID YOU DO WITH MY HORSE?”and Odin is like “I dunno what you’re talking
about. It was all Loki’s idea.”
and the giant is like “FUCK THIS I’M
TAKING FREYJA.”
and Freyja is like “Who’s taking what now?”
because apparently Odin completely forgot
to tell her about this deal.
So she’s like “THORRRR.”
and Thor runs into the room like “What?
Oh, you need me to kill a giant?
Yeah, all right.”
So he kills the giant
thus once again saving Odin from the consequences of his shitty actions.
So a couple months later
Loki finally comes back to Asgard
leading the megahorse he seduced and also
another smaller horse
but what this horse lacks in size
it makes up for in TOO MANY LEGS.

112/494

Yes sir, this is THE OCTOHORSE.
(aka Sleipnir)
So Odin is like “Oh shit, give me those.”and Loki is like “NUP. I’m totally giving theultrahorse to Freyja.”
and Odin is like “Can I at least have theoctohorse?”and Loki is like “Only if I don’t have to dowhat you say anymore.”and Odin is like “FINE.”
and Loki is like “HAHA, I PRANKED YOU
THAT HORSE CAME OUT OF MY HORSE
VAGINA.”And Odin is like “Ew, ick.
I still want the horse though.”
So the moral of the storyis that only a sucker pays full price formasonry.
Oh, speaking of which
let me tell you about another really grossthing Loki had sex with . . .

FENRIR IS A DILF
So one day, Loki’s wandering around
Jotunheim
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced ANGER BOW THE
and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly
and her name is kinda like a reference bookentry for THE ANGER BOW
but you know what?
I’m gonna tap thatand have three kids with thatand all three of those kids are going to be
horrible beasts that bring on the
apocalypse.
I see no problems with this.”
So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid: a
giant wolf named Fenrir.

114/494

Now Loki brings baby Fenrir to Asgard
and the Aesir all instantly know that thiswolf is gonna be the death of them
mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF
NAMED FENRIR.
But instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as
their own
presumably because they don’t want to hurt
Loki’s feelings.
So this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficienttesticular mass to actually go near thewolf
and Fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like “Uhh . . . weshould really do something about this wolf.”

115/494

So what they do is they make a big metal
chain.
This chain is so incredibly massivethat they don’t feel right until they give it anamethat name is Leyding.
So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey, man
I bet you totally can’t break out of thischain.”And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”So they tie him up
and he pretty much just breaks the chains
like cobwebs
and he gets famous because of thatand the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.
Okay, let’s make a better chain.”so they make a chain that is TWO TIMES AS
STRONGand they name it Dromi
and they go back to Fenrir like “Bet you can’t
break THIS chain.”116/494

And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to
let you tie me up again.”
And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be
double famous?”and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”
So he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t
break
so then he kicks the chain, and it does break
and the gods are all like “Okay we definitely
need a better chain.
Somebody call some dwarves.”
So the dwarves are like “Okay the mistake
you guys have been making
is you have been trying to make a chain outof actual things that exist
such as metal
instead of abstract concepts
such as the sound of a cat’s footfall.”
So what the dwarves dois they take the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain117/494

the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman—remember, these are dwarves—and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird
so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking
aroundand mountains don’t have roots
and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit
but I think bears still probably have sinews
and I have definitely met me some bearded
ladiesso I guess the dwarves were not thatthorough.
But anyway
somehow they manage to distill all this shit
into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN.
Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called
Gleipnir.
It is thin and pink and softand the gods go and bring it to Fenrir
and are like “Bet you can’t get out of thisribbon.”118/494

And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.
There is no fame to be gained from breaking
a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.
Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”
And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat?
Why would we trap you?
What do you think we are desperately afraidof you or something?
We just thoughtthat if the great wolf Fenrir was too much ofa pussnexus
to let himself get tied up by a pretty pinkribbonwe might just go and tell everybody about
that
and then they would laugh at you.”
So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.
But I seriously don’t trust you guys
so how about I let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth ascollateral.”
And all the gods are like “Um . . . well . . .”

119/494

Until Tyr is like “I’ll do it.” Because Tyr is a
FUCKING BADASS
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous wusses all his friends
are.
So then they tie Fenrir up
and Fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like “DAMMIT.”And bites off Tyr’s handand everyone laughs at Fenrir
except for Tyr
because he just got his hand bit off.
And Fenrir is all trying to scream and biteeveryoneso they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it
open foreverand Fenrir drools so much that it makes anentire fucking river120/494

called “hope” in Norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid
motivational poster.
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOURHELLISH PRISONAND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON
MIDGARD.
Because actually that is what the Norse
prophecy says.
It says that eventually, at the end of theworld
Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.
So I guess the moral of the storyis that if your friend keeps bringing home hismutant babies
it is not your responsibility to raise thosebabies.
Remember this.

SEX 4 GOLD
Before we go any further
I feel like I need to tell you a little bit about
the kind of person Freyja is.
But it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja
in which her main role isn’t just as
something people give each other.
This is because the Norse appear to treat women as currency.
But don’t worry, guys
I found one(kinda)So Freyja wakes up one morningand she is like “I JUST HAD A WET DREAMABOUT SOME GOLDAND NOW I WANT SOME.
But where shall I get some?

122/494

Oh wait
I live in a world that has dwarves.
WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.”
So she walks over to Dwarftowne
and while she is walking, Loki sees her andhe is like “Oh manthat chick looks like she is about to get some
TREASURE
I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT
FOR HERbecause I am Loki and that is what I DO.”
So Loki follows Freyja all the way to thehouse of these four dwarvesand sitting on their pedestal
is just the most astonishing display of golduggery EVER.
(Golduggery is exactly like skulduggery
except instead of doing crimes you do gold)
It is a necklace of such INDESCRIBABLE
VALUE

123/494

that all the Norse scribes purposefully lost
most of the text of this mythand no one actually knows what it looks likeor even if it is a necklace really
we’re kind of just guessing here
more or less based on the fact that a necklace
is the only form of gold
big enough to fit four dwarf dicks
simultaneously.
So these four skeezy dwarfs pop out, andFreyja’s like “Ew, grossI mean hey, guys, how’s it going?
Think I could have this necklace or whatever
it is?
I’ll pay you GOLD for it.”And the dwarves are like “We don’t need any
more gold.”
WHOA, RECORD SCRATCH.
Did you just hear what I heard?
DWARVESdo not need more
GOLD?!

124/494

These are clearly not four dwarves
but rather eight babies in four dwarf suits.
But that just makes this next part weirderbecause then Freyja is like “Well, gold ispretty much all I have.
Credit cards haven’t been invented yet, nor
has investment banking.”
and the dwarves are like “WELL YOU HAVEA VAGINA, RIGHT?
HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR
LIKE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS APIECE.”
and Freyja is like “Hmm...
Okay!”
So each of the dwarves does the teenieweenie with Freyja for a solid day/nightcycle
and they are very civil about it and no one
minds getting sloppy seconds
and at the end of the four days the dwarves
are like “Welp125/494

we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are
ever going to be in our sad, sad lives.
Here, have this necklace.”
And Freyja is like “SWEET!
This was ALMOST worth debasing myself inthis manner!”
And meanwhile, Loki
who, remember, followed Freyja here
is like “DAMN, I WISH I HAD FILMEDTHAT.
I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNETFETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT.
I guess I’ll just have to settle for ruining her
accomplishment like I planned.”
So Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace
and take a loooong showerand Loki hauls ass over to Odin’s placeand he’s like “Odin, Odin, guess what?
I know I’m the god of lying all the time
but you gotta trust me when I say
Freyja just fucked four dwarves for anecklace.”126/494

And Odin is like “Yeah, that sounds like
Freyja.
I mean WHAT??
I WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.
WE ALL WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.
THAT’S LIKE THE WHOLE REASON WE
KEEP HER AROUND
AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESEYEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?
UNACCEPTABLE.
GO STEAL HER NECKLACE.”
and Loki is like “Did somebody say
STEALING?”
and Odin is like “Yes, Loki, that was me who
said that.”
but Loki doesn’t hear him because he isalready at Freyja’s place
STEALING.
So he gets to Freyja’s place and the door islockedso he turns into a fly and goes in through acrack in the roof.

127/494

But then Freyja is sleeping on her backwith the clasp of her necklace completely
inaccessible
so Loki turns into a flea and mauls hercheeks until she flips overand then Loki turns into Loki and just steals
her necklace.
So Freyja wakes up
notices her necklace is gone
notices her door is open
and is like “DAMMIT LOKI.
But wait
Loki would be too much of a pussy to do thison his own.
DAMMIT ODIN.
But how would Odin know about mynecklace?
DAMMIT LOKI.
But Loki is probably nine countries away atthis point.
I’M GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN.”128/494

So she shows up at Odin’s place, all angryand shit
and Odin is like “WELL, WELL, WELLIF IT ISN’T SLUT CITY.
HEY, I HAVE SOME BRASS PLATES AND A
SHINY ROCK.
WANNA GIVE ME A RIMJOB ORSOMETHING? THEY’RE ALL YOURS.”
And Freyja is like “VERY FUNNYASSHOLE.”and Odin is like “I BET YOU WON’T THINKMY ASSHOLE IS VERY FUNNYWHEN YOU ARE GIVING ME A RIMJOB.
But seriously, it’s because of shit like thisthat we keep trying to sell you to giants.
So I’m going to punish you.”and Freyja is like “Aw Frigg.
What’s it gonna be?”And Odin is like “Well, I’ll let you have thenecklace backbut only if you make all the races of men in
Midgard fight wars forever.

129/494

Oh wait, that’s not really a puni—”
AND FREYJA IS LIKE “YES, DONE, THANKYOU.”Then there is war forever
but at least Freyja looks pretty.
So the moral of the storyis that apparently women ARE currency
but the exchange rate of women to gold isn’t
actually that great.

THOR GETS JACKED
So Thor’s sleeping one nightprolly dreaming about lightning and murderand he wakes up like “Man, that was a good
dream.
’Bout to go make it a reality with the help of
my trusty OH SHIT
WHERE IS MY HAMMER??
LOOOOKIIII”
and Loki shows up like “I didn’t do it.
I mean . . . Hey, Thor, what’s good?”
And Thor’s like “SOMEONE STOLE MY
HAMMER.”
And Loki is like “Wow. I actually seriously
am not responsible for once.
Here, dude, let me help you find it.”So they go see Freyja

131/494

and Freyja is like “Hey, Thor, what’s good?”
And Thor is like “SOMEONE STOLE MY
HAMMER.
WAAAAHHHH.”
and Freya is like “Shut the fuck up, man.
We can solve this mystery.
Loki, did you steal the hammer?”
And Loki is like “Nope.”
And Freyja is like “Well, I’m out of ideas.”and Loki is like “I know, right?
But how about this:
how about you lend me your cloak of feathers that lets you fly
so I can fly over to the land of the giants
and ask them where they hid Thor’s hammer
because as you know
if it wasn’t me, it was definitely the giants.”
And Freyja is like “Sure, mantake my super valuable cloak.”
So Loki takes it
and COMPLETELY FAILS TO STEAL IT all
the way to Jotunheim.

132/494

and he glides right up to some really rich giant named Thrym
who is just sitting up on a mountain withsome hounds on gold leashes
and he is like “Yo, Loki, my man, what’s
good?”and Loki is like “You didn’t happen to steal
Mjolnir, did you?”and Thrym is like “HAHA, YOU GOT MEI STOLE IT AND THEN I BURIED IT
AND I’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK UNLESS I
GET TO MARRY FREYJA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
So Loki flies back to Freyja and Thor
who are both like “HOLY SHIT, LOKI
Did you forget to steal that cloak orsomething?
It’s like you’re suddenly respecting people’s
possessions. It’s creepy.”
And Loki is like “I KNOW, RIGHT?
Look, I can get Mjolnir back super easy.
Here, Freyja, just put on this wedding dress133/494

and Freyja is just like “HELLLLLLLL
NO.
What do you think I am some kind of slut
who trades sex for treasure?
Make Thor do it.”
And Thor is like “NOOOOOOOO WAY,JOSÉ.
What do I look like some kind of cross-dressing motherfucker?
Bitch you could not find a vagina on me if
you CUT ONE INTO MY FLESH.
SHIT WOULD GROW BACK.
I AM A VIRILE DYNAMO WITH THE
HEALING POWERS OF WOLVERINE.”
and Freyja is like “Yes, Thor, we allunderstand.
But if you don’t get that hammer back who isgoing to kill all the giants?
Those giants are going to remain woefully
unkilled.”
And Thor is like “Fine, I’ll put on the dress.”
So they pull out ALL the fucking stops134/494

this is like Pimp My Ride for drag queens
right here.
They give him a veil and a dress
and Freyja’s pretty necklace and some housekeys’cause apparently there is some Norse wedding tradition
where they lock you out of a house and you
have to get inside or else you’re divorced
and Thor just feels SOOOO PRETTY
but he won’t let anyone know
’cause he’s Thor, all right?
And then Loki gets jealous of how pretty
Thor isand is like “I wanna dress up too.”
And Freyja is like “All right.
You can be her—I mean HIS wingman orwhatever.”Hey, is there a female version of wingman?
Wingwoman sounds awkward.
I’m coining a new phrase:
Titcaptain.

135/494

Tell your friends.
So Loki and Thor show up at Thrym’s place
and Thrym makes the colossal mistake of inviting Thor to have dinner with him
so Thor eats an entire ox, and then eightsalmonand all the little cakes and shit they can bringhim
and chugs a ton of mead
until Thrym is like “Whoa, baby.
Might wanna slow down there.”
And Loki is like “No, man, it’s totally cool.
She hasn’t eaten in EIGHT DAYS
’cause she was SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR
DICK.”So Thrym is like “Oh okay.”
But then he’s like “Man I really wanna kissmy bride right now”
so he lifts up her delicate veil and WHATTHE FUCK IS THIS?

136/494

Here come Thor’s furious eyeballs, flamingwith pure black hatred
and that is NOT what Thrym was looking forand he is like “MY, WHAT BIG EYES YOU
HAVE”
and Loki is like “No, man, it’s fine.
She just hasn’t slept for the last eight days
’cause she was so excited about your dick,like I said.
Honestly I don’t know how she’s even alive
except for the whole immortality thing, I
guess.”
So then this random chick busts into theroom
one of Thrym’s daughters or something
and is like “FREYJA, GIVE ME A WEDDING
GIFT
EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT GETTINGMARRIED.
GIVE ME RINGS OF RED GOLD.”
and Thor is like “Fuck your red gold.
What do I look like, some kind of red dwarf?

137/494

Hey, Thrym, I want a wedding gift actually. I
want Mjolnir.”and Thrym is like “ANYTHING YOU SAY,
HONEY.”and goes and digs up Mjolnir and gives it toThor
and Thor is like “OH, IT IS PARTY TIME
NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.”
So he kills Thrym
and then all of Thrym’s dudes
and then that chick who asked him for gold,
just for good measure
and then he’s like “WHO’S THE MAN?
WHO’S THE MAN?
ME RIGHT?
’CAUSE THIS WHOLE THING KINDAMADEMEQUESTIONMYSEXUALITY.”
So the moral of the story is
if at first you don’t succeed
try cross-dressing.

138/494

139/494

ALL’S WELL THAT MIMIR’S
WELL
Odin is constantly doing weird shit for
secrets.
Like every morning, he sends out his tworavens—Hugin and Munin—to go flyaroundand then in the evening they come back andtell him what’s up.
But DISASTER STRIKES
because one day
instead of telling him all the shit they saw
all the birds will say is “OHH SHIT. GOT
SOME FOREBODING SHADOWS UP IN
THIS BITCH.”

141/494

And
Odin
is
like
“FOREBODINGSHADOWS?
THOSE ARE THE WORST KIND OFSHADOWS!”
At which point his wife, Frigga, busts in like
“HUSBAND, STOP YELLING”
and Odin is like “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
STOP YELLING
WHEN
THERE
ARE
FOREBODINGSHADOWS GOING ON ALL OVER THE
PLACE??”And Frigga is like “Okay, tell you what
how about we go hit up these chicks called
the Norns
who live at the bottom of Yggdrassil—
THE TREE OF LIFE—
and look into their eyes for a bit and see thefuture?”And Odin is like “Okay, I GUESS.”So Odin gets all his buddies together
them being Tyr, the one-armed badassmurder convention

142/494

Baldur the prettiest and best loved of all thegods
and Thor, who has a hammer.
They all walk over to this fabulous rainbow
bridgethat connects Asgard to the base of
Yggdrassil
and Odin goes up to Heimdall who is thekeeper of the gate of Asgard
and also has a sweet gold grilland Heimdall opens up the gate
and Odin walks through, and Tyr walks
through, and Baldur walks throughand Thor tries to walk through and Heimdall
is like “NOPE, NO THORS ALLOWED.”and Thor who is the god of getting realpissed real fastis all “DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER TO
YOUR HOUSE AND BEAT YOUR WIFE.
OH WAIT, YOU DON’T HAVE A WIFE
SO I GUESS I AM GOING TO HAVE TO
WAIT

143/494

UNTIL SOME POOR SKANK FINDS YOUR
WEAK-ASS GOLD GRILL ALLURING
AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE CUTTINGTHE CAKE AT YOUR WEDDINGI WILL BUST OUT OF THE CAKEAND CLOCK YOUR NEW WIFE IN THE
JAW WITH MY HAMMERBECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THATDEFINES ME AS A PERSONIT IS MY MASSIVE FUCKING HAMMER.”
And Heimdall is like “Actually your hammer
is kind of the problem
the weight of your hammer combined withthe weight of your fat, fat ass
would break the rainbow bridge.
So I’m sorry, dude but you’re going to haveto stay home.
UNLESS you want to wade across these twosmothering miserable cloud rivers
and meet your bros on the other side.”and Thor is like “SOUNDS AWESOME.”

144/494

So nine hours later, Thor finally catches up
to everyone at the base of Yggdrassil
and then Odin goes over to stare at theNorns for a bit.
There are three Norns:
Urda, the old one
Verdandi, the hot one
and Skulda, the emo one
and in their eyes Odin can see the futureand I dunno exactly what it isbut it’s apparently pretty depressing
and then Frigga shows up
with Sif (Thor’s wife)and Nanna (Baldur’s wife. Lucky bitch)and she looks at the Norns for a bit
and then looks real sad at Baldur, who is her
sonpresumably because she saw him die in the
future or some shit.
Who knows?
(Spoiler alert: He totally dies.)145/494

So Odin turns around like “Hey, guys I needto go to Midgard for a bit.
I need to drink from the well of Mimir
because it is fortified with wisdom and shit
and all these foreboding shadows are going
wayyy over my head.”And then Thor has to figure out how to getback home.
So Odin trades in his spear, and all his armorand his eight-legged horse, and his namefor a blue cloak and a staff and a big floppy
hat
and the name VEGTAM THE WANDERER
and he starts walking through Jotunheim
looking for giants.
Pretty soon he sees him a giant
So he walks up to this giant like “Hey, bro,what’s your name?”
and the giant is like “I AM VAFTHRUDNIRWISEST GIANT EVER.”
Odin has heard about this dudeand he knows that he is not bullshitting146/494

so he is like “Oh damn, I am in luck.
Wanna hook me up with some wisdom?”and Vafthrudnir is like “OKAY, BUT FIRSTANSWER SOME RANDOM TRIVIA
AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG I GET TOCUT OFF YOUR HEAD.”
This may seem strange
but actually this is just how they play trivial
pursuit in Sweden.
So Vafthrudnir tosses out a bunch ofquestionsbut his quiz is actually super weak sauce
because like 100 percent of the answers canbe readily found on Wikipedia
so Odin proceeds to hand him his ass
and Vafthrudnir is like “Aww dang.
Now you gotta ask ME a question.”and Odin is like “How about this one:
WHAT ARE THE LAST WORDS THATODIN WILL SAY TO HIS SONBALDUR?”147/494

And Vafthrudnir is like “COME ON, THAT ISENTIRELY UNFAIRONLY ODIN WOULD KNOW THE
ANSWER TO—Waaait a second.
You’re Odin, aren’t you?
You motherfucker.
Okay, what kind of wisdom did you want toget hooked up with?”
And Odin is like “I just wanna know how
much it costs to drink from Mimir’s well.”and Vafthrudnir is like “Oh damn, is that all?
You probably could have just asked Mimir.
He generally just charges people THEIRRIGHT EYE.”And Odin is like “Really?”
And Vafthrudnir is like “Yup.”
And Odin is like “Does he ever charge . . .
anything else?”
And Vafthrudnir is like “Nope.”
So Odin is like “Fuuuuck, manI need my right eyefor like, depth perception

148/494

and keeping bacteria out of my bleeding eye
socket.
Maybe I shouldn’t go through with this.”
But then he remembers that he’s not a hugewuss
so he goes to Mimir’s welland he’s like “Hey, Mimir
hook it up.”
And Mimir looks at him and is like “Youknow how much it costs, right?
’Cause a lot of people show up here like
‘GIMME SOME WISDOM’and I’m always like ‘Sure. One eyeball,please.’And they are like ‘NOOOO WAYYYY.’
I mean, I know you’re not gonna pussy out
because I drink from this wisdom well all thetime and I’m wise as shit
but I still gotta ask for legal reasons: You
down to give me your right eye?”and Odin is like “OH HELLS YES.”149/494

So Mimir gives him the water of knowledge
right away
which strikes me as an incredibly unwise
movebecause Odin could have just drunk all thewater
and then left without giving away any of his
eyeballs
and in fact if that water had really given him
ultimate wisdomthat’s probably exactly what he would havedone.
But no, he drinks the waterand he sees what he has to do to mitigate thehorrible foreboding shadow
not that it can be stopped or anything because Norse mythology is pretty gloomy
and then he puts down the drinking hornand he plucks out his eyeand he puts his still-warm bleeding eyeballin Mimir’s wellproving once and for all150/494

that the Norse may not have been a very
smart people
or a very happy people
but no matter what
THEY WERE ALWAYS METAL.

THE END OF THE NORSE WORLDAS WE KNOW IT
Bad news, guys. In this myth all the Norse
gods die.
Yeah, this is the big one:
RAGNAROKTHE END OF THE GODDAMN WORLD.
So basically the first thing that’s gonna tip
everyone off that the world is endingis this thing called Fimbulvetr
which just means THE WINTER OF
WINTERSand that is exactly what it is.
It is a winter
MADE OF MULTIPLE WINTERS
like, there is going to be a winter152/494

and then once that winter is finished there
will be ANOTHER WINTER.
And then after that maybe it will be spring?
Think again, son.
MORE WINTER.
The whole point of this endless winter is justto put everyone in a really bad moodto prepare them for the next stage of the
apocalypse
which is CEASELESS WARS.
Which is funny because that is also the Norse
idea of heaven.
Like, that is seriously what everyone is doingin Valhalla all the time.
But then finally after that goes on for a while
this wolf Skoll
who is one of the sons of Fenrir
is gonna eat the sun.
Then Fenrir’s other kid, Hati, will eat themoon, because he’s a fucking copydog.
Then the cock Fjalar will crow to the giants153/494

all

like
“TIME
FOR
WAR,
MOTHERFUCKERS”
and the golden cock Gullinkambi will yell thesame thing at the gods
and then a third cock will raise the dead.
Hehe, cock.
THEN
there’s gonna be A WHOLE BUNCH OF
EARTHQUAKES
and this is going to have the effectof finally releasing that evil wolf bastard
Fenrirand his bottom jaw is gonna touch the earth
and his top jaw is gonna touch the sky
and his eyes are going to be on FIRE
and there’s gonna be a whole bunch of tsunamis and shit too
because the Midgard serpent, who holds up
the world(and is also another one of Loki’s horrible
children)154/494

is going to start having seizures all over theocean
on its way to fuck up the land.
And not only thatbut he’s going to breathe poison all overeverything constantly
completely destroying all the air
and all the land.
And all the waves caused by the serpentare gonna set free this ship called Naglfar
full of giants who are ready to romp andstomp everyone
and another ship is gonna set sail from hell
with all the dead people on it
and Loki is gonna be driving it
because the gods sure as shit want nothing to
do with him at this pointand guess who else is coming to the party?
FIRE GIANTS.
What are fire giants you ask?
Oh, I don’t know, maybe giants MADE OF
FIRE155/494

the sole purpose of whom is to show up at
this EXACT MOMENT
led by this guy SURT
and fucking set fire to EVERYTHING.
So this is when Heimdall is going to blow hishorn
signaling that SHIT is finally about to get
REAL
and Odin and all the other gods
and all the elves, dwarves, demons and basically just anything everare going to ride onto this one battlefield
called Vigrid
which means BATTLESHAKER
and they are going to tear each other topieces in the following order:
Odin is going to fight Fenrir
and Fenrir is going to eat Odin
and then Odin’s son Vidar is gonna be like“NOOOO.”and run up and rip Fenrir’s jaw in half

156/494

which is pretty appropriate because Vidar is
the god of revenge
not that he has anything to really be vengefulabout because Odin is EVERYONE’S dad.
Meanwhile, Thor is gonna fight the Midgard
serpent
and he is gonna kill it
but then its poison is gonna kill HIM.
And Surt is just gonna pick the weakest-looking god
Freyr
who is the god of the sun and elves and shit
and just kill him straight up
because Freyr is a tremendous pussy
who actually FORGOT TO BRING A SWORDTO THE APOCALYPSE.
Then Tyr is gonna look around like “Shit I
need to kill someone to prove I’m a badass.
How about this terrible wolf, GARM?!”
and he kills it, despite the fact he only has
one handbut then Garm also kills him. Boo.

157/494

Also, Heimdall kills Loki, FINALLY
but Loki also kills Heimdall, so that willsuck.
And on top of ALL OF THAT
Surt is gonna just start chucking fire in every
direction
burning everything
so it won’t even really matter if you survive
the epic battle
because everyone is catching fire anyway
except for these two people
Lif and Lifthrasir
a dude and a chick who will just be sleeping
in the indestructible forest.
Wait,
there’san
INDESTRUCTIBLE
FOREST??
Why doesn’t everyone just evacuate there?
That would seriously minimize somecasualties.
Anyway, when it’s all overand the earth dives underwater to try andput out all the fire

158/494

and then comes back up again all fresh andnew
Lif and Lifthrasir are gonna repopulate theworld
and everything is going to be great forever.
So the moral of the storyis that when the going gets toughthe tough get going
but the SMART get inside the invincible
forest.

EGYPTIAN
You might not guess from their tame 2-D
cave paintings
but the ancient Egyptians liked to tell someseriously messed-up myths
they’ve got all the essentials:
booze, blood, and jerkin’ it(if you thought that the essentials were food,water, and shelterthen you, my friend have been reading thewrong myths)
and if any mortals actually managed to survive the constant barrage of nonsense fromabove
Egyptian lore says you had to get your soulweighed against a FUCKING FEATHER
by a pitiless demon with a dog for a head
and if your soul is heavier than the feather161/494

YOU GO TO HELL.
So I hope you can hear me in hell, every dude
who ever lived in ancient Egypt
because I am about to seriously bastardize
your canon up in here.

RA HAS SEX WITH HIMSELF
So there is this dude named Ra.
This dude does not exist
At least not at the beginning of the story.
All there is is this totally boring infinite water called Nu
but then Ra
who—remember—doesn’t exist
is like “This sucks.
How about I CREATE MYSELF USING
PURE WILLPOWER!??”
So now Ra is standing aroundexcept actually he is not standing.
He hasn’t invented standing yet and anyway
there is no place to standso Ra is like “Okay, time for some terrain
features.

163/494

Let’s start with the ones that look the most
like tits.”
So he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT
LET’S
NOT
GET
AHEAD
OF
OURSELVES.
So Ra gets pretty boredseeing as all there is in the ENTIREGODDAMN UNIVERSE is a hill andsome water.
So he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes to willthemselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like “MAN, YOU GUYS ARE SOOOO
LAZY
FINE, I’LL MAKE MY OWN FRIENDS.”
But there is a problem
because, although Ra can make hills
and also HIMSELF
he apparently can’t make people.

164/494

Sexual reproduction is ruining everything, as
usual.
But Ra does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead and FUCKS HISOWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETSPREGNANT.
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT OF
HIS MOUTH
IN THE TWO LEAST CLASSY WAYS
POSSIBLE. Yes, guys.
If Egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or
puke(depending on whether you are a boy or agirl).
See, Ra has two kids.
The phlegm kid is this dude called Shu
the god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named
Tefnutgoddess of moisture
not water mind you, but moisture165/494

which makes sense with the whole vomit
thing, I guess.
Anyway, Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored thaneven their omnipotent father could haveimagined.
So they are sitting around and they are like“Heywanna hit each other with bricks?
Oh wait, bricks don’t exist. Just like absolutely everything else other than hills.
Fuck it, let’s make up some codes of laws andthen get lost.”
So they make up some laws and then they getlost in the middle of an endless ocean fiasco
which is kind of like SeaWorld
if SeaWorld was everything everywhere
and there was no Shamu
and there was no amusement parkor hot dogs or whatever.
It is actually just the water part of SeaWorld.

166/494

And there are only three people there
and two of them are lost
and they are made of spit and vomit.
Actually, that last part sounds a lot like
SeaWorld.
So Ra is like “GUYYSSSS
I fucked my own SHADOW so I wouldn’t belonely.
Come baaaack.”
And then he takes out his one eye(by the way, he only has one eye)and he is like “Hey, eyego find my kids.”
So it does, and it brings them back to Ra
and he starts crying
either because he is so happy to have his kidsback or because now he has to raise kids
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts
his eye back in before he does thisor whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all.

167/494

What is important is that those tears hit thehill Ra madeand they turn into people
and then Shu and Tefnut start boning
like siblings do.
They pop out this kid Geb, the earthand Nut, the sky(those are extremely large babies, no lie).
Then later, Geb and Nut give birth to all thetrendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be
expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff.
So basically what it all comes down tois that we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeballof a guy who fucks his own shadow and surrounds himself with spit and puke.
I’m gonna go cry now.
I hope it doesn’t turn it into babies.

RA AND SEKHMET, OR: HOW
BEER SAVED THE UNIVERSE
So Ra creates the world.
Sure, greatbut just because you create the world
doesn’t mean you get to just be king of it
forever.
I mean you get to be king of it for a while(like for example what Ra does
is as soon as he’s done creating everything
he turns into a dude and becomes king of
Egypt)
but the problem with dudes is that they getold
and the problem with old dudes is that they
are constantly getting guff

169/494

from ALL DIRECTIONS
and the problem with being a god
is that you are constitutionally incapable oftaking ANY GUFF WHATSOEVER
so naturally
when everybody starts laughing at Ra’s oldhair and senility
he gets real pissed
and when you are a god
and you are real pissed
there is only one solution, my friends:
GENOCIDE.
So basically what Ra does
is he turns around and gives Egypt theworld’s DEADLIEST STINKEYE
this eye is so stinky
it produces an entire brand new goddess
the goddess is named Sekhmet
and she is basically like a lionesswith chainsaws for legs
SEKHMET:THE ORIGINAL THUNDERCAT.

170/494

Sekhmet’s job is simple:
KILL.
EVERYONE.
So that is what she does.
She just tears all around everywheremauling the ever-loving crap out of people
until the ground is likepermanent red
which is disconcertingly tacky.
Eventually Ra wakes up from his old-man
sleep
and he’s like “WHOA
WHERE DID ALL THE PEOPLE GO?
Damn, I feel kinda bad now.”
Gods are always doing things like this if you
haven’t noticed.
But the problem is that by now Sekhmet isan unstoppable murder engine.

171/494

172/494

But the good news
is that there is ONE THING
with the power to stop an unstoppablemurder engine
and that thing
is BOOZE.
So what Ra does
is he gathers up all this really good beer
and all this really good red food coloringand he mixes it all together
and he dumps it all over the fields that Sekhmet has scheduled for murdering the nextday
so that when she shows up
she just sees a big lake of what she can only
assume is blood
blood that smells like booze
so, like
the blood of really drunk people?
and she’s like “ALL RIGHTLOOKS LIKE MURDERING IS DONE
EARLY TODAY173/494

TIME FOR MY SECOND FAVORITE
PASTIME:DEVOURING THE BLOOD OF THE
INNOCENT.”
So Sekhmet just dives right in and starts
slurping the boozeblood
which is such good shit that everybody calls
it “THE SLEEPMAKER”
and because of that she ends up passing out
pretty quick
and she wakes up all hung overand Ra is like “HaHAAAA
from now on you will be known as Hathor
and the only thing you will kill people withis KINDNESS.”
And basically whatever Ra says just immediately happens
so that’s who Sekhmet becomes from thenon.
So obviously the moral of the storyis that the best way to deal with a rampaging
psychopath174/494

is to get them really, really drunk.

ISIS HAS BAD TASTE INJEWELRY
So time passes, and now Osiris is the king of
the gods
he thinks he’s hot shit, with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of
blouse.
But meanwhile there’s this dick Set.
That is his nameSet.
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
such as you might purchase for an adult tea
party.
I am talking about the Egyptian god of thedesertand also storms, darkness, and chaos.
Basically if you are not having a good time

176/494

Set is right there, flipping you off with both
hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
Or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY.
What I mean is, Set’s a dick.
The reason I mention Set
is that he gets all butthurt over not being
king of the gods
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailor-made for Osiris basicallyand then he calls up all the gods like “HEY,GUYS YOU SHOULD COME OVERI’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY.”
And all the gods are like “Oh shit, weird
coffin party.
We’ll be right over.”So they all get there and Set is like “All right I
made this coffin.
Whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy.”177/494

And of course, all the gods think this sounds
like an awesome idea
so they all take turns trying to get into thecoffinand they all failbut then it’s Osiris’s turnand Osiris is like “I dunno, guys this seems
like a transparent ruse.”
but then he gets in the coffin anyway
and it slams shut and locks
and Set lines it with lead and throws it in the
Nile riverand everyone is like “Whoa, major coffinparty foul.”and Set is like “So I get to be king now,
right?”AND HE DOES.
So naturally Osiris’s wife Isis decides to gofind himso she can at least bury him properly now
that he has drowned

178/494

and she finds out that the coffin has floated
all the way to Byblos(which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)and gotten absorbed by an oak tree
which got cut down
and used to build a support pillar
in a palace
for the king of Byblos.
Shiiiit.
So Isis shows up in Byblos like “Hey queen
my husband is embedded in your palace
may I please extract him?”
And the queen is like “Sure, go ahead.
It’s not like he’s a major structural support
or anything, right?”
and Isis is like “Haha, sucker.”
And she goes and removes the pillar
WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT
ALL
thus inventing Jenga.

179/494

Except instead of delicately placing the coffin
on top of the palace
Isis takes out Osiris’s body and drags it backto Egyptand buries it in the desert
so he can finally rest in peace
apparently forgetting that Set is the GOD OF
THE DESERT.
So Set very quickly sniffs out Osiris’s grave
and is like “Hmm I haven’t fucked with thisguy enough.
How about I tear him into fourteen pieces
and then EAT HIS DICK.”So that is what he does
and he chucks the other thirteen pieces all
the fuck everywhere
and then Isis is like “What is that noise?
It better not be my husband getting ripped
up and thrown everywhere.”
BUT IT IS TOO LATEIT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED180/494

and Isis finds out and she is like “Seriously? I
just buried this guy.
Now I gotta go find all these body parts andbury them AGAIN
even though Set will prolly just find themagain and rip them into SMALLER pieces.”
Anyway, she manages to find all the pieces(which have turned into full moons by theway)
except for his dickbecause like I said
SET ATE IT
so Isis is like “Maaaan
Osiris’s dick was like the most importantpart of his personality”
so what she does
is she makes a GOLD COCK
and she hangs it around her neckand BAM
Osiris is alive again
with a golden dong

181/494

thus laying the groundwork for Mike Myers’s
cinematic triumph, Goldmember
and also getting Isis pregnant with Horus
because I guess that dick necklace was morepotent than she bargained for.
So ladies
I guess the moral of the story is
don’t wear a cock around your neckbecause unplanned pregnancy is the WORST
accessory.

THOTH IS JUST GIVING OUTSCORPIONSSo Osiris is back in action and his dick ismore blinged out than ever
BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected
ISIS GIVES BIRTH TO THIS DUDE NAMED
HORUS.
Actually, that is not the bad part
because Horus is a pretty cool dude,honestly.
No, see, the bad partis that seeing as Set was totally willing to
EAT OSIRIS’S DICK
just to prevent him from getting a proper
burial183/494

all signs point toward he is going to murder
the CRAP out of this baby
especially since Horus is totally fated tomurder Set if he ever gets old enough.
So Isis is pretty careful about keeping herbaby away from murder
but then one day, Set is like “HEY, ISIS
COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL.”
and Isis is like “SPINNING MILL,
HOORAY.”
And then Set is like “Oh, did I say spinningmill?
I meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENTFOREVERI AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSIONJUST KIDDING, TOTALLY NOT SORRY.”So Isis is understandably upset about thisand so is this super-wise dude named Thothso he comes down and is like “Hey, Isis how
would you like to escape this prison?”And Isis is like “I would like that a lot.”so Thoth is like “Boom. You got it.

184/494

Here, have some scorpions.”
And Isis is like “WHAT, WHY WOULD YOU
GIVE ME SCORPIONS?”
And Thoth is like “Chill out. These scorpions
will guide you to safety.
I’m the god of wisdom, okay? I’ve got thishandled.”so Isis takes Horus, and they follow theseseven scorpions for like a WEEK.
No one has any ideas where they are goingprobably because the guides in this scenario
are SCORPIONS.
SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATEGUIDES, MY FRIENDS.
THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE
CRAP OUT YOU
BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWNFOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION.
But after a lot of bullshit, Isis and the scorpions and Horus finally arrive in sometown

185/494

and Isis goes and knocks on the door of somerich chick’s houseand the rich chick is like “Oh, why hello there
HOLY SHIT SCORPIONS.
NO NO NO NO NO.”
But so no sooner has the rich chick slammed
her doorthan this poor chick is like “Hey there.
I see you have some scorpions.
I’m so poor that I have even pawned my fearof death.
Come crash at my hovel.”
But then PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a fit about not being
invited into the other houseso they go inside and sting the crap out of therich chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like
“What’s that noise?
I hope it’s not the sound of my baby getting
stung by SCORPIONS.
OH SHIT SCORPIONS.”

186/494

And Isis hears all this commotion
and she is like “SCORPIONS YOU ARE THE
SHITTIEST GUIDES.
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE
PROBLEMS.”
So she runs up to where the baby is busy
dying
and she is like “Hey, poison, get out of thatbaby.”
And the poison is like “Maaaan . . . fine.”
and then Isis leaves, like “ANOTHER DAYSAVEDTHANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO
THESE SCORPIONS.”
And then she ends up in the marsh she was
supposed to check out
and she hides Horus in the mud, like “Okay,son
I am going to bury you in marsh filth now
among poisonous animals some of which I
KNOW to be irritable scorpions

187/494

so just try not to move around too much. I’m
gonna go get burgers.”
So Isis comes back laterand she is like “Hey, Horus would you likesome burgers?
Hmm . . . you don’t seem to be moving at allor breathing or anything.
Oh noooo.
Set, did you turn into a snake and poison my
baby?”And Set is like “Yup.”And Isis proceeds to scream the most heavy
metal scream possible
it is so metal that it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately, THE SUNBOAT.
And Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his
hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a suddenwith one of those record scratch noises you
hear in bad teen movies
and everyone is like “Whaaaat?
Thoth, go find out what Isis is angry about.”188/494

so Thoth goes down there like “Woman, I
hooked you up with scorpions andeverything. What now?”and Isis is like “Look, I know you are itchingto get your bone on in the backseat of thesunboatbut could you do me a solid and just revive
my son real quick?”and Thoth is like “Oh yeah, no problem.
Done.
By the way, how were those scorpions?
Pretty sweet, right?”
and Isis is like “They were a pack of angry
scorpionsthat you gave to a single mother with achild.”
Anyway Horus is alive now
but he and Isis still have to hide out in themarsheswhile his balls gather sufficient mass to allow
him to murder Set.

189/494

So basically the moral of the storyis that scorpions are only good for one thing
and that one thing is rad tattoos.

HORUS JERKS OFF IN SET’S
SALAD
So Horus grows up
and Isis is like “Hey, son, remember that asshole Set? The one who you are destined toruin?”and Horus is like “I mean you never stoptalking about him
and also he turned into a snake and poisoned
me to death when I was a baby.
That tends to make people pretty memorable
when they do stuff like that.”and Isis is like “Well, why haven’t you killed
him yet?”and Horus is like “JEEZ, MOM, FINE GET
OFF MY BACK.

191/494

HEY, SET, I’M ’BOUT TO KILL YOU GETREADY.”
So Set shows up like “OH NO, YOU DIDN’T.”
And Horus is like “HOLD STILL FOR A
SECOND. LET ME STAB YOUR FACE.”
And Isis is like “OH SHIT, STOP. I JUSTREMEMBERED THAT SET IS MY
BROTHER.”and Horus tries to break her legs
but then she stabs him
and Set gets awayand Horus is like “Wow, Mom.
Seriously?”
But Isis heals him later so it’s fine.
Wait, what am I talking about
shit is so un-fine you could coat sandpaperwith it and then use it to shave off a goat’s
face.
Because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE
CAN about how to screw over Horusand finally he’s like “I KNOW
I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem.

192/494

HEY, HORUS, WANNA HAVE SEX?
And Horus is like “Well, normally I would
say nobut today I am an idiot, so okay.”
and they have a bunch of sweaty sex
but then right at the crucial moment
Horus uses his lightning reflexes to parry
Set’s manbatterbecause apparently it’s not gay if the jizz
stays outside your butt.
So then he’s got a handful of manana creampie
and he’s like “Eww, what am I going to dowith this?
I KNOW, I’LL THROW IT IN A RIVER.”
and thus invents hand washing and pollution
SIMULTANEOUSLY
so now HORUS is thinking about how tofuck over SET
and he’s like “Hmm . . .
Apparently the name of the game

193/494

is ‘get your semen inside of the other guy’s
body.’
I don’t make the rules
I just make the jizz.
Let’s make this happen.”
So he sneaks into Set’s house and jerks off in
his saladand then Set eats the salad and Horus is like
“HAHA YOU JUST ATE MY SPOOGE.”
Is it just me, or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue?
Anyway, Set is like “BULLSHIT.
LET’S GO BEFORE THE REST OF THE
GODSAND NEEDLESSLY AIR OUR DIRTYLAUNDRYIN
HOPES
OF
DETERMINING
SUPERIORITY.”
So they call together the other gods
and Set is like “GuysI totally jizzed in Horus’s butt.
That means I’m better than him, right?

194/494

and Horus is like “You didn’t jizz in my butt.
What are you talking about?
Go ahead and call for your sperm.
See where they’re at.”Yeah, apparently these dudes keep in touchwith all their sperm.
Talk about being a devoted father.
Anyway, Set is like “FINE.
OHHH SPERRMMMM. WHERE AAAREYOUUUU?”
And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN
THE RIVER.”
and Set is like “Dammit, Horus
Did you block my cock?”and Horus is like “That is in fact exactly what
I did.
Now hold on lemme find out where mysperm is at real quick.”And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN
SET’S STOMACH.”
And Set is like “NOOOO.”
And everyone else is like “Wow.

195/494

This is astonishingly stupid
how about we settle this pissing contest witha reasonable competition
like a boat race
except the boats are made of stone.
THAT’S PERFECT THAT’S NOT STUPID AT
ALL.”
So Set and Horus get their boats readybut Horus has a secretwhich is that his boat is actually MADE OF
WOOD
it’s just painted to look like stonewhich raises a couple of questions:First of all
why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s
boat was actually made of stone?
And second of all
since they didn’t
WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS
THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATSOUT OF?

196/494

I mean, maybe he thinks they are trying torace to the bottom of the lakein which case I understandeither that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY
HONESTbut we’re talking about the god of storms,
chaos, and evil
who has been known to do things like eat theballs of his enemies
and then try to kill their babies
and then when their babies grow up
try to have buttsex with the very same babies
so I feel like honesty is not top of his priority
list.
But anyway they have the race and Set’s boat
sinks
and Horus wins
and as a result he gets to be king of Egypt
and Set has to be his bitch forever.
So the moral of the storyis next time you are jockeying for a sweet
promotion

197/494

consider jizzing in your coworkers’ foodbut make sure to also brush up on your boatracing just in case.

MAYANI’ve never been freaked out by a calendar
even a little
just getting a rise out of me with a calendar isa feat on its own
but the Mayans are the MVPs of making calendars, man.
You have to hand it to a culture that canmake a calendar SO INTENSE
that it is still freaking people out
CENTURIES LATER.
And they didn’t stop at just freaking people
out.
No, see, these dudes wrote a whole fan fiction for their calendar.
It’s called the Popol Vuh
and it is basically just a super-complicatedcode version of the calendar itself

200/494

secretly translated by some Mayan dudes
around the time that the Spanish were killing
everybodyand now
it is time to take that sacred and clandestine
work of those brave souls
and mock the shit out of it.

THE MAYANS HAVE THE MOST
BRUTAL CALENDAR
So there is this one Mayan dude, right?
he has like fifty goddamn names
Like Hurucan, and Gugumatz, and Heart-ofSky
and I’m not even really sure if he is one Mayan dudeor like, a collection of Mayan dudes
because they keep acting like he is two
peoplebut the two people never do anything
independently
so they’re basically just one person
or some kind of hive mind.
Anyway, we’re going to call this thing
Quetzalcoatl.

202/494

Quetzalcoatl is bored, because all there is
anywhereis just a whole bunch of water and some sky
and it’s not even interesting sky because
there is no lightso Quetzalcoatl is like “Okay, boom.”
And there is some lightand then he goes boom again
and there is some land
but this is still pretty lame because what isthe point of being able to do this kind ofshit
if there is no one around to get freaked out
by how cool it is?
Now, this may sound pretty familiar so far
but here’s where it gets crazy:
Quetzalcoatl’s master plan for getting
worshippers
is to invent JAGUARS.
And then he’s like “WHOA, JAGUARSLOOK, I JUST FUCKING MADE YOU.
PRETTY NEAT, HUH?”

203/494

And the jaguars are all “Rarrrr, we arejaguars.
We can’t talk or be impressed.”
So Quetzalcoatl is like “Aww, fuck you guys.
I’m gonna make some way more awesome
creaturesand they are going to worship me
and you are going to be their SLAVES.”
So he gets some dirt
and he makes dirt-people
but the dirt-people really suckbecause first of all, they are made out of dirt
second of all, they only speak gibberish
and third of all, they dissolve in water
so Quetzalcoatl figures that even if they
COULD worship him
he would get pretty embarrassed
so he kills all of them by dumping water on
themand then he calls these two other dudes
Xmucane and Xpiacoc

204/494

who have names that sound like prescription
drugs
designed to treat nasal congestion anderectile dysfunction respectively
and he’s like “Hey, is it a good idea for me tomake people out of wood?”
And they say “Yeah, go for it.”
So he makes people out of wood
like a whole bunch of wooden robots,basically
and they can speak and walk aroundand they don’t dissolve in water
but they are TREMENDOUS assholes.
One might even say they have a STICK up
their asses.
Get it? Get it?
Aw, screw you guys.
Anyway, they totally forget to worship Quetzalcoatl even a little bitand he’s getting pretty pissed at this point
becausehehas
seriously
made
EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS205/494

and no one is giving him ANY CREDIT
so he kind of freaks out a little
and causes fire to rain from the sky
and burns everything to cinders
and then makes all of the wood-people’s
cookware come alive and kill themand all the animals move into their houses
and eat themeven though they are made of wood andtotally not tasty
and meanwhile Quetzalcoatl makes a bunchof ACTUALLY delicious people out of
tortillasand those people are supposedly us
and as soon as Quetzalcoatl gets bored he isgoing to make us into burritos
and then feed us to jaguars or whatever
and this story was apparently plausible
enoughto freak out THE ENTIRE GODDAMNWORLD ALL THE WAY THROUGH 2012.
But anyway, everyone lives happily ever after206/494

except the wood-people
who get chased into the woods and turned
into monkeys.
So the moral of the story isnever set fire to a monkey
because it is made out of woodand you will start a forest fire.

HUNAHPÚ AND XBALANQUÉ:ULTIMATE BALLERS
So there are these two dudes
Hun Hunapú and Vucub Hunapú.
They are twins, or at least brothers.
Anyway, they piss off the gods of the underworld with their constant ball playing.
Yes, that is rightthey play sports SO HARD
that it upsets MAYAN SATAN.
Anyway, the gods summon them down to theunderworld(which is called Xibalbá
because no Mayan story is complete
without about six thousand proper nouns beginning with the letter “X”)

208/494

and the gods are all “Hey, guys we heard you
like ball playing
GET IT?
WE HEARD.
BECAUSE YOU ARE SO LOUD.”
And the twins are like “What of it?”And the gods are like “Well if you like ballgames so much
how about you play ball with us
FOR YOUR LIIIIVES?!?!”
And the twins are like “This sounds like THE
ULTIMATE RUSH.”
Now, if this was a Greek myth
the twins would use some kind of mad skill
or insane trickery to beat the gods.
But this is a Mayan myth.
The dudes get killed before the game evenstarts for smoking a cigar the wrong way
and then they get decapitated and buried under the ball court
except for Hun’s head which they put that ona calabash tree for some reason.

209/494

This turns out to be a bad idea
because some chick named Xquic walks by
and Hun spits in her handand he is such a true man that this causes
her to get pregnant and she gives birth to
TWINS.
Fellasthink you’re hot shit because your penis is
one and a half inch longer than the national average?
try impregnating a random chick in her handwith your saliva
from a tree
on which someone has deposited YOURSEVERED HEAD.
Wait, wait, I went and read it again
it wasn’t even his headit was just his skull.
Skulls don’t even MAKE saliva
so . . . I guess when he still had skin and stuff
he just collected a big glob of spit in there
and he HELD IT.

210/494

WAITING.
I want that shit on one of those posters thatsays “HANG IN THERE.”

211/494

212/494

So yeah, Xquic gives birth to twins
they are called Hunahpú and Xbalanqué
and these two guys are alive for like fiveminutes
before they discover their dad’s ball-playing
gear
and start playing ball SO GODDAMN HARD
that they piss off the underworld AGAIN
and THEY get summoned down there
and the gods are like “Heyyou may have noticed that severed head
hanging from that tree by your house.
That was the last dude who kept us awake
with his ball playing.
That was also your dad, FYI.
Why the hell do you guys even like playing
ball this much?
Okay, look, do you want to play ball for yourlives?”and the twins are like “THE ULTIMATE
RUSH.”
So they play ball

213/494

and see, if this was a Roman mythor maybe like a Norse myth
these guys would totally have won andavenged their father(s)but like I said, Mayans are assholes
so the gods win again
and they kill the twins and bury them underthe ball court.
But there is a TWIST
because it turns out the twins are
IMMORTAL SOMEHOW
so they dig themselves up and sneak away
and they come up with a crafty plan
which is to come directly back to the underworld, dressed as traveling performers
and the gods are like “SWEEEET”
because it is boring in Xibalbá without theconstant noise of ball playing.
So Hunahpú and Xbalanqué put on a fantastic show full of amazing feats.
Maybe they even do an astonishing magictrick214/494

where they make their names easier to fucking type.
But anyway, for the finale
one of them cuts off the other’s head andthen puts it back on without any problems.
So all the gods are like “AAAAWESOME!
DO ME DO ME DO ME.”And the twins are like “Sure, okay.”
And just go and chop off the gods’ heads
without any resistance whatsoever
because that is how slick they are
and then they go dig up their dads and resurrect themand none of them ever forget how lucky theyareto be able to use their DICKS to get women
pregnant.
So the moral of the story
is to ball so hard
mothafuckas wanna murder you and bury
you under the ball court.

ZIPACNA AND THE FOUR
HUNDRED BOYS
No, this is not the title of a hard-core Mayan
gangbang porno.
This is an honest-to-goodness myth from the
Popol Vuh
that just HAPPENS to have four hundredboys in it.
Let’s do this:So Zipacna is the son of this guy named
Seven Macaw
who is basically a rogue sun god who hangs
out on Earth and causes problems.
Zipacna is responsible for making all themountains

216/494

and he has a bro named Earthquake who is
responsible for
PUPPIES.
Wait, no, it’s earthquakes.
Sorry, I read that wrong.
Look, none of that is really that important
except to establish that Zipacna is the sort ofdude who CAUSES MOUNTAINS.
So Zipacna is taking a bath in the river oneday
and these four hundred boys waltz bycarrying a big tree they just chopped down tomake their house with.
They had to chop down a big tree, you see
because there are four hundred of them.
They are having some trouble, thoughbecause I guess their eyes were bigger thantheir biceps.
They are just dropping this tree all over theplace
and Zipacna sees them and he’s like “Dudes
let me help you with that.”217/494

And then he just picks up the tree all by himself and takes it to the boys’ crib-in-progressand doesn’t even ask for a tip or anything.
Zipacna is a pretty nice dude.
He is the only one.
’Cause see, then what happens
is the four hundred boys have a meetingand they’re all like “GuysZipacna just did us a major solid.
How should we reward him for his altruism?
Oh
how about WITH MURDER?
Seriously, we cannot have any really strong
dudes running around being stronger thanus.
We have an inferiority complex!
Or rather
we have FOUR HUNDRED INFERIORITYCOMPLEXES.”So they come up with this brilliant plan218/494

which is that they call up Zipacna and they’relike “Hey, man
thanks for all your help with that big log
but we have another problem now
we need a really big hole for some reason.
We need you to come dig us a really big holeand then stay in it while we bury you alive.
Okay?”And Zipacna is like “Anything I can do to
help.”
But Zipacna is too crafty for their clever ploy!
I mean he digs the hole, surebut he also digs a special SIDE HOLE to hidein when the four hundred boys try to bury
him.
Actually they don’t even try to bury him
they just try to drop a big-ass log down thehole and crush him
which is dumb, because he just lifted one ofthose for themand that is why they wanted to kill him in thefirst place.

219/494

But either way, it doesn’t matter because
Zipacna is safe in his side hole.
So the boys are all up on the surface celebrating their dumb planbut then they’re like “Wait!
If Zipacna was really dead we would haveheard his death cry just now!”And Zipacna is like “Oh, uh . . .
Owwww, I’m dead now.”
And the boys are like “PERFECT.
But WAIT!
If Zipacna is really deadthen a bunch of ants will probably show up
the day after tomorrow to eat his tasty
corpse.
Let’s wait for that to happen so we can makesure he’s really dead.”
So Zipacna just chops off all his hair andbites off all his fingernails
and when the ants show up
he just gives all his hair and fingernails to theants220/494

and they all scamper all over the place carrying his body stuff
because I guess ants think hair is delicious?
Reason number a million not to be an ant.
Anyway, then the boys are TOTALLYCONVINCED.
So obviously they all go get trashed to celebrate their totally bogus victoryand meanwhile Zipacna tunnels out of hishole
and then he crushes all four hundred boys
inside the house he helped them build.
So the moral of the storyis that I don’t care what your mom says
biting your fingernails may just save yourlife.

JUDEO-CHRISTIAN
So here’s a religion you may have heard of.
In fact, I am willing to bet that nine out of
ten of you
when you hear the word “religion”
think of this one first.
But did you knowthat this popular high-school jock ofreligionsis JUST AS SUPREMELY MESSED UP as all
the other ones?
Yeah, no foolin’.
And it’s even crazier
because what masquerades as a single holybook
is actually more like a short-story collection
by like a million crazy desert dudes!

223/494

I’m mainly gonna focus on the Old Testament in this section
because the Old Testament God gets up tosome seriously brutal shit
but the New Testament(the one with Jesus in it and stuff)
is messed up in a whole other way.
OKAY, ENOUGH TALKLET THE FIASCOS BEGIN!

GOD MAKES A LOT OF STUFF
Okay so God, right?
No, I didn’t leave out any letters up there.
That is not a typo.
No, see, in this pantheon
THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD.
I KNOW.
PRETTY LAME.
But anyway, this God guy is facing a problem
that you should be pretty familiar with at
this point.
The problem is that there is water AND
NOTHING ELSE.
ALSO IT’S SUPER DARK.
So BAM, he invents light, day one
and then he misses the dark part so he invents night too225/494

and then he’s like “Oh, looks like it’snighttime.
Better go to sleep.”
DAY TWO:
God basically just makes a big divider rightin the middle of the waterand all the water below the line is earth
and all the water above the line is heaven.
(This is why angels are traditionally depicted
wearing scuba gear.)
Day three is when God finally gets around toinventing dry land.
Seriously?
It took Ra like all of thirty seconds
to invent dry land AND HIMSELF.
Is this just not something that occurred to
God until he had two nights to sleep on it?
Oh, and he makes plants too.
On day four God invents the sun and themoon and the stars226/494

which begs the question
WHERE WAS THE LIGHT COMING FROM
BEFORE?
And then he’s like “Oh shit, the moon.
Better go to sleep.”This dude needs an awful lot of sleep for an
omnipotent dude
which may explain why wars happen.
So on day five, God invents animals.
ESPECIALLY WHALES.
The Bible is very specific on this point.
By day six, God is pretty pleased.
He’s like “Wow, this is awesome.
How can I ruin it?”
So he invents mankind
and also cows
because he forgot about cows.
Then he gets real hammered to celebrate
and he passes out on Saturday
and doesn’t wake up until MONDAY.
In fact he sleeps through Sunday SO HARD

227/494

that NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DO WORKON SUNDAY EVER AGAIN.
That is a true power nap.
So when he finally wakes up
he makes this garden called the Garden ofEden
and he puts the guy he made in there
and the man (whose name is Adam) is like
“God, I’m bored.”and God is like “Ooh, I know a great game wecan play.
It’s called name all the animals.
Ready? Go.”So Adam falls for this transparent ruse to get
him to do God’s work for him
and he names all the animals
but then he gets done doing that and he islike “Still bored, God.”
And God is like “Okay, I got this.”
And BAMknocks him out and steals one of his ribs.

228/494

This is some straight-up Tijuana shit is what
this is.
So Adam wakes up in a bathtub full of ice
like “Whaaaat happened?”and God is like “Look, dude, I made you achick.
She is made of your rib, so she might bekinda dumb
I tried just making one out of clay, like how I
made youbut she was harboring all these problematicdelusions of equality
so I had to find a workaroundanyway, she’s totally hot, so don’t worry
about it.
Oh, by the way, I should warn you guys
you can totally eat from any tree in thegardenEXCEPT FOR THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE
OF GOOD AND EVIL
THAT ONE OVER THERE

229/494

THE TOTALLY UNGUARDED ONE WITH
THE DELICIOUS-LOOKING APPLES”
and Adam and Eve are like “Okay, whateverdude”(Eve is the name of the chick God made, by
the way)
and they go off somewhere to bone.
But there is a SERPENT in this garden.
I think he is supposed to be Satanbut really I think he’s just a serpent who happens to be a big jerk.
This serpent runs up on Eve when she is off
on her own
and he is like “Hey, gurl, try one of theseapples.”And Eve is like “YOU MEAN THE APPLESOF KNOWLEDGE?
THE ONES THAT GOD EXPLICITLYFORBID US FROM EATING??
NOOOO WAY.”
And the serpent is like “No, come on.”And Eve is like “Okay.”230/494

So she eats the apple
and it is DELICIOUS
and so she takes the rest of it to Adam, alllike “Here, eat this.”
And Adam is like “What? No, God said if we
ate that then we would die or something.”
And Eve is like “Uhhh . . . totally still alive
over here.”
And Adam is like “Okay, fair point.”
So he eats the apple
and suddenly both of them realize HOW
INCREDIBLY NAKED THEY ARE.
THIS IS WHAT THE TREE DOES
IT LETS YOU KNOW YOU’RE NAKED
THE MYTHICAL TREE OF KNOWLEDGE
OF GOOD AND EVIL
COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN REPLACED
BY A FIVE-DOLLAR MIRROR FROM A
COLOMBIAN BROTHEL.
So they make themselves some clothes,’cause they’re embarrassed

231/494

and then God wakes up from one of his
meganapsand he’s like “HEY
WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU YOU WERE
NAKED?”
See, this was his big plan.
His big plan was just to look at naked people
all day.
Now the plan is ruined so he responds in therational way
which is to put curses on everybody and thenkick them out of his garden.
He curses the serpent to have to crawl on its
belly foreverapparently forgetting that that is what
SERPENTS DO ALL THE TIME
and he curses Eve to undergo tremendous
pain during childbirth
because apparently he is able to imagine
some crazy parallel universe
where pushing something the size of ascreaming football out of your vag

232/494

is somehow NOT INCREDIBLY PAINFULand then he curses Adam to toil endlessly
and Adam is like “Come on!
Couldn’t you just curse me to like . . .
have testicles or something?”
But by then he is already kicked out of Edenand there is a big flaming sword guarding thedoor
and there is nothing left to do
but have a bunch of kids and try to forget thewhole fiasco.
So the moral of the story
is to never be naked
because God is a creepy pervert who invented you so he could look at your junk.

CAIN AND ABEL INVENT THE
SIBLING RIVALRY
So Adam and Eve know each other.
Oh waitI read that wrong.
Adam and Eve totally have SEX with eachother.
It’s just that the Bible is cagey about shit likethat
so instead of writing “Adam boned Eve in amoist, raunchy sex fiasco.”
the Bible guys would put “Adam KNEW Eve
in a moist, raunchy sex fiasco.”
It’s awesome once you know about itand now you do.
BUT SO ANYWAY234/494

Adam and Eve bang the daylights out of eachotherand they have two kids: Cain and Abeland these dudes are farmers
because what else are they gonna do?
No one has built any of the cool stuff yet.
So Abel becomes a sheep farmer
and Cain becomes a vegetables farmer.
Then harvest time comes(I am guessing that harvest time for sheep iswhenever they start to piss you off)and Abel makes an offering to the LORD
(always in all caps, by the way)of like, the fattest sheep he owns.
Dude, he could have totally eaten that.
MEANWHILE
Cain makes an offeringof all his choicest vegetables
and God gets all of these thingsand he is like “OH SNAP
DELICIOUS LAMB MEAT

235/494

THAT I HAVE NO USE FOR BECAUSE I AMIMMORTAL AND OMNIPOTENT AND
STUFF.
GOOD JOB, ABEL.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT,CAIN?
VEGETABLES?
IF I WANTED TO EAT VEGETABLES
WHY DO YOU THINK I INVENTED MEATHUH?
YOU’RE NOT MY DAD, CAIN.
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR
ME.”
So Cain goes and hits up Abel later.
He’s like “Yo, bro
God really dug your offering, huh?”and Abel is like “Yeah, well, it was pretty
sweet.”And Cain is like “Yeah . . . yeah . . .
Hey listen, I actually dug something of yours
as well.”
And Abel is like “Oh yeah, what is it?”236/494

And Cain is like “YOUR GRAVE,
MOTHERFUCKER!”
Then he stabs him and puts him
undergroundthus SINGLE-HANDEDLY INVENTINGMURDER.
Yeah
before this, murder didn’t even exist.
Cain is seriously like the Thomas Edison of
stabbing people.
So pretty soon God comes poking aroundlike “HEY, ABELME AND THE HOLY GHOST ARE HAVINGA BARBECUE.
GOT ANY MORE OF THAT DELICIOUS
LAMB MEAT?”
And then he sees Cain and he’s like “OH
HEY, DIPSHITNO, I DON”T WANT ANY VEGETABLES
THERE IS NOT GOING TO BE A ‘VEGAN
OPTION’ AT THIS BARBECUE.

237/494

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR BROTHERANYWHERE?”And Cain is like “What? Noooo.
What am I, my brother’s babysitter or someshit?
Find him yourself.”
And God is like “Oh hold on, I’m getting aphone call.
Hello?
Oh hi, Abel’s blood.
What’s that?
Cain murdered you and hid you
undergroundfoolishly believing that six feet of dirt would
obscure you from THE OMNISCIENT
CREATOR?!
YOU DON’T SAY.
CAIN, YOU ARE SO GETTING PUNISHED.”
So he curses Cain so that the earth will refuse
to get farmed by him
and he has to roam forever and everyone willhate him

238/494

and Cain is like “But, Godddd
now everyone I meet is just gonna kill me.”
And God is like “Oh, good point.
How about I make a law that says no one cankill youand I put a mark on you to let everyone knowthat you are a dude not to kill?”
And Cain is like “Uh . . . yes.”At this stage of the Bible, God is not very
good at coming up with punishments.
Don’t worry, he gets way better.
But yeah, then Cain goes off to live in theland of Nodand everyone is either unhappy or dead oromnipotent.
So the moral of the storyis that God hates vegetarians.

ABRAHAM IS TOTALLY COOLABOUT STABBING HIS KID IN
THE FACE
Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?
Okay, here we go:
So one day this guy named Abraham is out
working in the fields
and God is like “Abraham! Abraham! Hey!”
Abraham is like “Chill out, I’m right here.
What do you want?”
And God is like “You know your son?”
And Abraham is like “My only son? Yeah,
you could say I know him.”
And God is like “Okay, here’s what I want
you to do:240/494

I want you to take your son
up to a mountain that I’m gonna show you
and I want you to kill him and set him on fire
for me.”And Abraham is like “Okay, well I guess you
know what you’re doing.”
So Abraham goes and gets his sonand he’s like “Come on, son, let’s go on a nicefather-son trip to a mountain that God
will show us.
We are going to make a blood sacrifice it will
be a great bonding experience.”
So they start going to the mountainalong with some donkeys, and some slaves
which God is apparently cool withand Abraham makes his son carry the woodand he carries the fire and the knife
and halfway there, his son is like“Uhh, Dad?”
And Abraham is like “What?”
And his son is like “Dad where is the lamb
we’re gonna sacrifice?”241/494

And Abraham is like “Uh . . . well . . . God isgoing to provide a lamb for us, son.”HE IS REMARKABLY CALM ABOUT THIS
WHOLE THING.
PERHAPS FOR ABRAHAMONE SON IS TOO MANY SONS.
So anyway, they get to the mountainand Abraham straps his son down
and his son doesn’t say anything
presumably because the level of shitty parenting going on here has rendered him
speechless
and Abraham raises up the knife
and God is like “WHOA, WHOA,ABRAHAM!!!!”and Abraham is like “WHAT?!
I’m kind of in the middle of something rightnow.”
And God is like “Haha, PSYCH!
I was totally just kidding about the whole
sacrificing your son thing.
But, dude, that was HARD-CORE.

242/494

Tell you what, man
I like a man with big balls
so how about I make it so that your children
WILL OUTNUMBER THE STARS IN
THE SKY.”
And Abraham is like “WHAT
THAT IS TOO MANY KIDS.”
and God is like “Haha, no need to thank me,
buddy.
Your thoughtless attempted sacrifice of yourown son is all the thanks I need.”
And then Abraham finds a ram
which he sacrifices to God instead of his sonand then I guess the two of them go homeor actually, they go to a place called
Beersheba
which is clearly the party city of ancienttimes
and I like to imagine that they partied so
hardthat afterward they had to go to Bathsheba
just to wash the stank off

243/494

and things are pretty awkward between
Abraham and his son from then on
but it’s okay, because Abraham has a ton
more kids.
So the moral of the storyis that it’s never a bad idea
to try to set your kids on fireas long as the voices tell you so.

NOAH IS ON A BOAT
So God makes a bunch of people
they fuck up and kill each otherbut then they feel bad about it
so they have, like, CRAZY makeup sex
and the next NINE THOUSAND PAGES OF
THE BIBLE(depending on how big you make the text)
are about all the babies people madebecause the Bible predates condoms
and I think we should all remember this.
So everyone has a bunch of kids
but it doesn’t matterbecause apparently they all suck
and God decides he’s had enough of this shit.
He’s just gonna kill everybody

245/494

kinda like that other god in that Mayanmyth.
See what I mean about how all this junk
starts to run together after a while?
And he totally rips off Quetzalcoatl evenharderbecause his method of choice for killing
everyoneis a GIANT FLOOD(P.S.:
Did you know that whenever H. P. Lovecraft
uses the word “antediluvian”
what he means is “predating the biblicalflood?”
Because yeahapparently H. P. Lovecraft knows EXACTLY
WHEN THIS HAPPENED.)
But God can’t just kill EVERYONE
because he put a lot of work into this wholehumanity thing
so he picks the least sucky dude in the world
whose name is Noah

246/494

and he’s like “YO, NOAH!
EVERYBODY’S GOING TO DIE, EXCEPTYOUCONGRATULATIONS.
HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
GONNA NEED YOU TO BUILD A REAL BIG
BOAT, BUDDY
BUT NO FRIENDS ALLOWED ON THISBOATJUST ANIMALSSEVEN PAIRS OF EVERY KID OF ANIMAL(unless they are really filthy in which case
you can just get one pair)’CAUSE YEAH, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME
ON THOSE ANIMALSBUT I FORGOT TO MAKE THEM SMARTENOUGH TO BUILD BOATSSO THAT IS YOUR JOB NOW.”
So this sounds like a lot of work to Noah
but hey, it’s better than dying
so he gets some lumber and he gets to work

247/494

and somehow he manages to pull it off intimewith all his neighbors showing up at his
house and calling him an idiot all day.
Well, joke’s on them.
They all die.
But then, joke’s on Noahbecause now he has to live on a boat full of
nothing but animals and his wife.
Nobody wins except for God
who is playing a game called “Do Whatever
the Hell I Want Because I’m God”
So anyway, the whole world stays flooded for
FORTY DAYS
which is actually just Bible speak for AN
ARBITRARILY LONG TIME
but Noah is patient
because, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you:
NOAH IS SIX HUNDRED YEARS OLD.
Okay, now I’m super impressed.

248/494

This six-hundred-year-old dude managed tobuild a massive boat in just a couple
monthsAND
MORE IMPRESSIVELY
he managed to live six hundred years on
Earth without committing ANY MORTALSINS.
So anyway, the rain stops eventually
and Noah’s family and all the animals are
getting pretty antsy
no pun intended
because only some of them are actually ants
but anyway, Noah’s solution is to send birds
out to find land.
First he tries sending out a raven
but that’s useless.
The raven pretty much just flies back andforth a lot.
So Noah sends out a dove
and the dove fails to find landso Noah KEEPS sending it out

249/494

until on the third try it finally brings back anolive branchindicating that it found a tree somewhere
and this somehow became an international
symbol for peace
when what it SHOULD symbolize is“HOORAY WE ARE NO LONGER
COVERED IN WATER.”
So yeah, after that everything is pretty
straightforward.
They find some landand Noah makes an altar
and God makes a rainbow
which is his way of saying “Sorry, dudes
won’t happen again.”
And he has kept that promise
SO FAR.
So the moral of the storyis that if you are planning on being a terrible
person your whole life

250/494

you can just keep a big boat in your garage
and you’ll be totally safe.

KING SOLOMON AND THE
DISPOSABLE BABY
So there’s this king named Solomon.
It doesn’t really matter what he’s king of.
You know how it was in Bible times.
Kings all over the place.
But the thing about Solomon
is that unlike most of the kings who were allover the place in Bible times
Solomon is INCREDIBLY WISE.
Observe:
So one of the things a king used to have to do
was to sit in a room while people shouted
their problems at him
and then solve the problems using his kingpowers.

252/494

So one day, Solomon is doing thisand two ladies walk in with a dead baby, alive baby and a SERIOUS DOOZY OF A
PROBLEM.
One woman is like “Hey, Solomon I gavebirth to this healthy baby five days ago
but then my bitch of a roommate gave birth
to a DEAD baby two days laterand she thought it would be a good idea
to pull some Indiana Jones shit
and switch my live baby for her dead one.
Make her give me my baby back.”
And the other woman is like “Nuh-uh! This
is totally my baby
your baby DIED because you are a terrible
parent.”So Solomon is like “Hmm, this is a toughone.
Oh wait, no, it’s not. I have swords.
Hey, guards
cut the baby in half give a piece to each ofthese ladies.

253/494

PROBLEM SOLVED.”
And the first lady is like “Jesus Christ justgive her the baby.
What is wrong with you?”
And the second woman is like “DIBS ON
THE TOP HALF.”
And Solomon is like “Ah-HAH!
The baby must belong to the first lady
because mothering instincts generally prevent people from agreeing to bisect theirbabiesand even if the first lady ISN’T the motherthe baby should still probably go to the woman who is NOT WILLING TO CUT IT
WITH SWORDS.
Seriously, lady
what were you even planning on doing withthe top half of a baby?
You’ve already got 100 percent of a deadbaby no questions asked.
What are you, making a casserole?
Case dismissed.”254/494

So the moral of the story
is you should always do a background checkon all your potential roommates.

HINDU
No culture before or sincehas so flawlessly combined the disparate
realmsof brutal murderand epic dance battles
as did the ancient Hindus
which I suppose makes sense coming fromthe nation that gave us Bollywood.
People in Hindu myths are ready to cut a rug
at the drop of a hat
and they are also ready to cut other thingsand in fact, maybe the reason that the hat
dropped in the first place
was that someone cut off the head it was
resting on
and then ate it
because that’s how the Hindu gods roll

257/494

but it is not all decapitation and bump ’n’
grind, my friends
Hindu mythology gets up to some seriously
cosmic shit as well.
Observe:THE HINDUS LIKE TO CHOPDUDES UPSo back in the days before there was stuff
and things there was a dude.
Just this one dude, as far as the eye could see
spanning the entire breadth of the universe,
plus like ten extra feet for good measure.
His name
was the Dudebut not the Dude from The Big Lebowski.
This is a significantly Bigger Lebowski we aretalking about here.
This is a Lebowski as Big as the entirety ofcreation.
He is so big that he exists at all times both
before and after his birth259/494

and like a quarter of his body is made up of
all the animals everand the other three-fourths is all the gods
and he actually gives birth to a dude named
Virj
who then gives birth to HIM.
WHAT.
So obviously the gods get tired of trying toconceptualize this universal dudeand they’re like “Screw this, let’s sacrificehim.”
So they tie him down and cut him up
and just start flinging pieces of his body
ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE
and all the giblets start turning into things
like all the tasty clarified butter they boil off
him turns into ANIMALS
even though I thought animals were alreadya quarter of his body.
I guess a quarter of his body was butter?
Fatty.

260/494

Anyway, the gods are pretty much making up
ceremonies as they go along
so those kind of get written down and preserved for all eternity.
Also, I gotta hand it to these gods
it takes some serious effort/cojones
to kill and butcher someting that is 75 percent COMPOSED OF YOU.
But anyway, his mouths become priests
and his arms become nobles
and his thighs become the general rabble
and his feet become the slaves.
His brain turns into the moon and his eyeballs are the sun
and the sky comes out of his ears and theground forms under his peasant feetand the gods make sure to start a whole assload of fires
because if you’re gonna butcher the universeit might as well also be on fire
and those fires turn into the IDEAL SOCIAL
ORDER somehow.

261/494

No one mentions what happens to theDude’s dong or his chest actually.
My guess is that some creeper god stole thatshit and built himself a pan-galactic
RealDoll.
So the moral of the storyis next time you are getting sexed up
just remember that both you and your honeyare made out of the same dudeso basicallyeverybody is gay.

SHIVA CANNOT BE STOPPED
Okay, so there is this dude Brahma, right?
He is the creator of everything.
So one day
he takes his mind
and makes a hot chick come out of it.
This hot chick is his daughter.
But as soon as he pops out this brainbaby
Brahma is like “OH DAMN.
I WANT TO DO THINGS TO THATTHAT HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTEDYET.
GOOD THING I AM THE CREATOR
AND CAN INVENT THOSE THINGS RIGHT
AWAY.”
And then he goes ahead and gives himself
THREE EXTRA HEADS

263/494

so he can check out his daughter from all
anglesthus causing the world to get divided into
four directions
because the creator suddenly desires
something that is outside himself.
BUT ENOUGH SPIRITUALITY.
BACK TO TITS AND BAD DECISIONS.
Okay, so Brahma’s daughter gets wind of all
this exquisite voyeurism going down
and she gets pretty embarrassed
and since she can’t stop being hot
she decides to stop being on Earth insteadand she goes up to heaven.
So now Brahma is like “AUGH.
I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LOOK AT TITS
BUT MY HEADS ONLY LOOK DOWN.
LOOKS LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HEAD.”
See this is the thing about being the creator.
You do not consider options such asoh, I don’t know
moving your neck.

264/494

NO.
You grow an extra fucking headlooking STRAIGHT UP
and then you send it shooting toward heaven
all like “NOM NOM NOM, TITS TIME.”
So at this point
Brahma’s daughter is up in heaven
like “What am I going to do about this encroaching molester head?”and this is when Shiva steps up to the plate
like “THAT IS ENOUGH BULLSHIT,
BRAHMA.”
Then he chops off Brahma’s head
USING ONLY HIS THUMBNAIL.
But instead of a hearty thank-you
and maybe some victory poontang
Shiva gets Brahma’s gross skull stuck to his
handand he is like “AW BALLS.
THIS IS MY JERKIN’-IT HAND”
And he transforms into Bhairava

265/494

aka THE SHIVA OF ULTIMATE RAGE
and he is like “HERE IS WHAT I AM GOING
TO DO:I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT
AND THEN I AM GOING TO WRECKSOME SHIT.”And Brahma is like “Oh no you are not, son.
You are going to get banished all the way onout of here that is what you are going to do
and then you are going to roam around theland as a mad beggar
until you get arbitrarily forgiven.”
So this is exactly what Shiva does
until one day he stumbles upon a group ofsages
all sitting around praying the bajeezus out ofthemselves
and Shiva rolls up
like “HEY HEY, OOGA-BOOGA CRAZYHOMELESS GUY HERE, WHAT’S UP?”
And the sages are like “What.”266/494

And the sages’ wives are like “OH MAN, I
WANNA TAP THAT LIKE A KEG O’
BONERS.”and they all go dance the crazy wango-bango
tango with Shiva
and the sages are like “WHAT.”
So obviously they send a tiger after Shivaand Shiva responds by TAKING OFF THE
TIGER’S SKIN
and WEARING IT AS A SKIRT.
So then they send a poisonous snake after
Shiva
and Shiva picks up the snake
and WEARS IT AS A GODDAMNNECKLACE.
So then they send an evil dwarf after Shivarightly assuming that there is probably noway for Shiva to wear a dwarf.
(That’s right, guys.
They have fuckable gold in India too.)
But Shiva just sort of kicks the dwarf overstands on his face267/494

and takes his club.
Then he turns around like “COME ON, HOT
BITCHES.
FOLLOW ME INTO THE FOREST.”So they doand then Shiva (aka Bhairava, remember)goes to Vishnu’s crib
like “Hey, Vishnu, lemme in”
and Vishnu’s bouncer is like “Who are you?
You’re not on the list.”
And Bhairava is like “I AM THE GUY WHO
IS STABBING YOU TO DEATH WITH A
TRIDENT.”
And then Vishnu jumps out of the back room
like “OH SNAPI WILL SHOOT BLOOD OUT OF MY FACE
AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY.”
And Bhairava fills Brahma’s sticky skull with
Vishnu’s blood
like “THANKS, SUCKER.

268/494

I WAS JUST DROPPING BY TO ASK IF I
COULD BORROW A CUP OF YOURBLOOD.”
And then he dances off into the forest
carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a skull
full of blood.
He dances all over everywhere
until he gets to the holy city Varanasi
at which point he is pardoned for his crimes
and gets to go back to heaven...?
So I guess the moral of the storyis if you are ever indicted for murder
your best bet
is to do more murders
and then fill the skulls of your victims
with the blood from your other victims
and maybe stage an impromptu dance party
with some women you stoleand eventually people will realize that you
can’t be stopped
and you can go to heaven.

269/494

Excuse me while I go convert to Hinduism.

ANYTHING KALI CAN DO, SHIVACAN DO BETTER
So we’ve established that Shiva’s a badass
but it turns out that his main job
is to make sure his wife Kali
who is the goddess of having a thousand furious arms covered in knives and murderdoesn’t get too shitfaced off all the blood she
drinks and destroy the world
like this one time
where he lies in front of her on the battlefieldor this other time
when he turns into a baby
like “WAH WAH, TITS PLEASE”
and Kali is overcome by MOTHERING
INSTINCTS.

271/494

But there is one particular instance of Shiva
handling Kali’s shitthat is particularly fantastic:
Okay, so this story begins like all stories
about Kali:
Kali just killed a bunch of dudes.
Probably they were demons
but really, who knows?
Anyway, to celebrate
Kali takes up residence in a nearby forest
with a bunch of her asshole friends
and starts terrorizing the countryside
stabbing the villagers
then stabbing their stab wounds
then stabbing the blood in their stab wounds
on and on, till the break of dawn
and then after the break of dawn too.
So finally one of the villagers
who is sick of getting stabbed every day
and is also a follower of Shiva

272/494

comes running up to Shiva like “HEY,SHIVACAN YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR US?
WEREALLY
NEED
THIS
SHIT
HANDLED.”and Shiva is like “Dude, can’t you see I am
busy ripping tigers in half or something?”
And the dude is like “KALI IS STABBINGEVERYONE.
SHE MIGHT DESTROY THE WORLD
EVEN, WHO KNOWS?”
And Shiva is like “Okay, my schedule justcleared up.”
So Shiva shows up in the forest
and Kali is like “HEY, DICKFACE.”
And Shiva is like “Hey, Kali.
We’ve talked about this.
You need to stop stabbing all the time.
This right here?
This is what is known as too much stabbing.”
And Kali is like “NEVER STOP STABBING.”

273/494

And Shiva is like “That is in fact the oppositeof what I said.
All right, this is going nowhere.
How about this:We have a dance contest
and when I utterly hand you your shit in thecontestyou agree to stop stabbing for a while?”
And Kali is like “OH BITCH YOU AREABOUT TO GET SERVED.”
So they drag out the boom box
spread out the cardboard
dust off their dopest moves
AND PROCEED TO BUST THOSE
MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE TEAR-AWAY
PANTS.
These moves they are busting?
Guys:
They are ludicrous moves.
Like, remember the dance contest in Pulp
Fiction?
This was nothing like that.

274/494

John Travolta is terrible at doing the twist.
This is way better.
But finally, Shiva busts out the ULTIMATEMOVE:
THE TANDAVA DANCE
which is just basically a super-energetic
dance
and I guess Kali is so tired from stabbingthat she cannot match his dance moves
and so she reluctantly agrees to stop murdering for a couple days and go home.
AND THUS BOLLYWOOD WAS BORN.
So the moral of the storyis that we could end all wars forever
if we just weaponized THE POWER OFDANCE.

GANESH IS THE VERY
DEFINITION OF AN UNPLANNEDPREGNANCYSo Shiva is married to Kali, right?
WRONG.
Well yes, Shiva is married to Kalibut as it turns out
Shiva is ALSO married to this other chick
Parvati
who is a gentle goddess of life and stuff.
BUT
as it turns out
Parvati and Kali
ARE THE SAME PERSON
WHOA, SNAP, PLOT TWIST.

276/494

Yeah, apparently she can transform between
sweet loving life goddess
and unspeakable hurricane of deathfor ANY REASON
at ANY TIME.
This is what is known as an exciting
marriage.
Anyway, in this story Parvati is busy being
Parvatiwhich is good news for everybody
except for Shiva
because now all the time Kali would havespent murdering and busting sweet dance
moves
Parvati spends thinking about having babies
and Shiva is not ready to be a father.
I mean he kind of created the entire universe
but he does NOT want to be tied down, okay?
So Parvati gets sick of bugging him to have ababy with her
and she’s like “Wait a second . . .
I’m a goddess . . .

277/494

Having babies in unconventional ways iswhat we DO.”So she just goes ahead and makes a baby all
by herself
and she names him Ganesh
and then goes to take a shower and tells
Ganesh to guard the door
because apparently her sole motivation behind having kids
is to make sure no one sees any naked boobs
while she is washing up.
IT WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BEENSIMPLER TO JUST LOCK THE DOOR,PARVATI.
CHILDREN
ARE
A
SERIOUSRESPONSIBILITY.
And of course this is the exact moment that
Shiva decides to come alongand prove beyond a shadow of a doubt thatneither of these people should have kids
because he sees the shower house where hiswife is showering278/494

and he’s like “Oh man
what a perfect opportunity for steamy
shower sex!”
So he just marches on over there
except instead of getting inside
he gets some impudent baby blocking hispath
and Shiva is like “DO YOU KNOW WHO I
AM?”And Ganesh is like “No, dude. I’m a baby.”
And Shiva is like “WELL THEN
YOU CAN CALL ME
THE GUY WHO JUST CHOPPED OFF
YOUR HEAD JUST NOW.
ZING.”And OF COURSE
this is the moment that Parvati chooses tofinish her showerand she comes sauntering out of the shower
house
and sees her husband standing over her deadbaby

279/494

and she’s like “SHIVAAAAYOU BRING MY BABY BACK TO LIFE OR
ELSE.”And Shiva is like “Or else what?”
And Parvati’s like “Or else I’m gonna turn into Kaliand you’re gonna have to chase me down anddance me into submission again.”
And Shiva is like “Hmm. Good point.”

280/494

281/494

So Shiva sends out some of his dudes
to go grab the first head they findand bring it back to him
and I guess he has pretty dumb servantsbecause they come back with the head of an
ELEPHANTand Shiva is like “GuysI feel like it would have been easier to justdecapitate a babyrather than a full-grown elephantand also you should have figured out fromcontext clues what I meant.
But whatever, I guess I’ll make it work.”
So he just glues this elephant head onto thedead baby
and that somehow causes it to come back tolife
and that is why Ganesh has an elephant headnow
and also why he is the god of wisdom
which is bad news for Shiva
because an elephant282/494

NEVER FORGETS.
So the moral of the storyis that you shouldn’t worry if you accidentally kill your baby
just kill another baby and glue pieces of it to
the first baby until it comes back to life.
Works every timeor at least
this one time.

JAPANESEARE YOU READY FOR DISTENDED
RACCOON TESTICLES?
NO?
WELL, YOU BETTER GET READY QUICKBECAUSE JAPAN JUST CALLEDAND IT’S ’BOUT TO DELIVER ONE
WHOPPER OF A BALLSACK TO THE
BRAINPAN.
I think you may find it comforting to knowthat Japan was no less strange two thousand
years ago than it is today
they did not have the technology to build flying boobs and hand-job robots
but weird shit has always been Japan’s prime
natural resourceas the thousand-plus deities in the Shinto
pantheon can proudly attest

285/494

so have a seatget comfortable
but I cannot assure youthat what you are sitting on
is not a raccoon’s nuts.

IZANAMI GETS REAL SORE
So where do we begin?
Oh, I know
HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING?
DURRRR.
Okay, so apparently there’s like a hojillion
generations of gods in Japan.
In fact, there are so many generations
that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US
TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE
EARTH.
What the hell were those other generationsof gods doing?
Just havin’ orgies not messing with ANY
MORTALS AT ALL?
That . . . sounds pretty ideal, actually.

287/494

Anyway, after seven generations we finally
get our two main characters:
Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)
and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)(that has nothing to do with how they behaveor who they are or anything.
It’s not like the entirety of creation is a fancy
dinner party.
Just thought it would be a nice detail to
include.)Izanagi and Izanami are probably siblings
based on how similar their names are.
(See also: Tweedledee and Tweedledum)And seeing as this is mythology
their first act is to be like “HEY:I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPTTOGETHER.
LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE!”
But since all the gods have just been chillingout having nothing but orgies for millennia
no one even knows how marriage WORKS

288/494

so Izanagi and Izanami have to make it up
from scratch
and what they come up with actually makes a
lot of sense:
Izanagi’s like “All rightwhat I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and
get REEEEALLY EXCITED
and then you are also gonna get REALLY
EXCITEDand then we’ll be married!”
And Izanami is like “Sounds great!
I mean, normally women are supposed to besuper passive and not speak unlessspoken to
but I guess I will make an exception in thiscasebecause, bro
I am dying to get my bone on with you, bro.”
So they do their crazy marriage thing
and then immediately get down to businessand then suddenly Izanami gives birth to ahideous mutant leech baby.

289/494

BIG SURPRISE, ASSHOLES.
Y’ALL ARE SIBLINGS.
Actually, I want to go ahead and applaud theJapanesefor having the first mythos that accurately
portrays the outcome of incest.
Oh waitI spoke too soon.
Turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami
TALKED
DURINGTHE
WEDDING.
WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK,GUYS.
IT’S UNLADYLIKE, AND THEY WILL BE
PUNISHED WITH LEECHES.
So they take a mulligan on the marriage
and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth
shutand then they get bizzay
and give birth to
THE ISLAND OF JAPAN.
OW.

290/494

Not only is that not a living thing
thus making it even more mutant status thanthe leechbaby
but just imagine trying to push Japan out
your ladyhole.
Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over inthis story.
Oh, I forgot to say
they bone so hard in the water that they create bubbles
and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on Earthwhich is good
because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER
PLACE
but even so
Japan is not the last-level hazard Izanami
has to scooch out her cooch.
Enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHIGOD OF FIRE.
OWWWW.

291/494

This is disgusting, guys.
I am disgusted.
Oh, and that’s finally what kills Izanami
so now she’s deadbut it’s okay(kind of)because when Izanami dies a whole bunch ofother gods fly out of her corpse
like the god of earth and stuff
and then Izanagi starts crying about it andhis tears turn into MORE GODS
and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces
and guess what the pieces turn into
DING DING DING
MORE GODS.
Is there anything anyone can do in ancientJapan that does not result in more gods?
Answer: no.
So then Izanami calms down a little bit(he is cycling through the stages of griefmighty fast)292/494

and he decides to go down to Yomi
which is Japanese hell
and try and get her back.
So he goes down there and finds Izanami
and he’s like “’Sup, gurl
wanna come be alive with me again orsomething?”
And Izanami is like “Aw shit, bro
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates orwhatever and now I can’t leave.
Here, let me introduce you to my friend
Persephone.
I understand she has had the EXACT SAMEEXPERIENCEIN
ANOTHER
COUNTRY.”
So Izanagi is pretty disappointed
but he decides to chill out in Yomi for a while
anywayexcept here’s the problem
at some point he lights a torchand he sees his wife

293/494

and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS
and he’s like “AW HELL NO, GIRL
I was gonna ask about conjugal visits in hell
but I think I need to change my mind
BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH
HORROR.”And Izanami is like “Come back, bro, don’t
be a pussy.”
And Izanagi is like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.”And Izanami is like “Fine, dick.
How about I kill a thousand people a day forthe rest of eternity?”
And Izanagi is like “Okay, you do that.
I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE
HUNDRED people every day.
Suck it, uggo.
Or actually, don’t suck it.
I don’t want to come down with a case ofmaggot dong.”
So I guess they probably have a bidding war
for a while294/494

where Izanami ups the number of dudes she
kills
and Izanagi ups the number of dudes hemakes
and they keep doing that basically forever, as
far as I can telland that’s where overpopulation comesfrom!
So the moral of the storyis that access to safe and effective birth control should be a human rightbecause no woman
should ever have to give birth
to Japan.

SUSANOO HAS NO IDEA WHATHE’S DOING
So I don’t know whose bright idea it was tohave storm gods
but these guys are nothing but problems.
We’ve got Zeus for starters(I don’t even wanna open that can of philandering worms right now)and then there’s Thor
world-champion ruckus causer
but as if those two problem machines weren’t
enoughwe also have one of the ultimate prodigies ofirrational sex and violence.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present
to you:SUSANOO

296/494

Now I know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking that SUSANOO sounds likean overacted exclamation from a badsoap opera.
My friends, I assure you that it is not.
It is actually the name of the Japanese god ofstormsbirthed by Izanagi one day when he waswashing his nose.
So one day Susanoo gets kicked out of heaven for being too rowdy
and on his way out he goes to say good-bye
to his sister Amaterasu.
Now, Susanoo and Amaterasu are not on thebest of terms
so Amaterasu thinks her bro might be trying
to play one last prank on her on his way
out
but Susanoo is like “No, sis, I just wanna say
good-bye.
Here, let me prove my sincerity to you297/494

by engaging you in a VERY WEIRD
CONTEST.”
So what they dois they each pick an inanimate object
and see how many gods they can make theobject give birth tobecause in ancient Japancausing unlikely things to give birthis a time-honored tradition.
In fact, having babies the normal way is considered kinda gauche.
So Amaterasu picks Susanoo’s sword
and she makes it give birth to three chicks
and meanwhile Susanoo is using his sister’s
necklace to make five dudes
and then Susanoo is like “Well, I guess I win
because my sword was what gave birth tochicksand chicks are worth double points.”
And for some reason they don’t argue overthis at all
and everything is great.

298/494

BUT NOT FOR LONG
because seeing as he is the god of storms
it takes all of six seconds for Susanoo to start
making bad decisions.
Everyone is basically just going aroundminding their own business
when WHAM WHAM WIMMY WOZZLE
here comes Susanoo, shitting on everybody’s
rice fields
then he cuts up a pony and throws it at his
sister’s loom
and then kills one of her attendants for no
good reason.
Basically you can tell he didn’t spend very
long planning this rampage
but even so, it ends up being so horrible that
his sister crawls into a cave and refuses tocome out.
So of course now he gets exiled for REAL
and on the way out he figures he should getsome groceries299/494

so he hits up the food goddess for some foodand she hooks him up with all kinds of stuff
but apparently she is taking all of this stuff
out of really gross places on her bodyand Susanoo is not okay with thatso he kills her.
GREAT JOB, DICK.
WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD GONNA COME
FROM NOW?
But it’s okay
because since she is the food goddess
her whole dead body immediately turns intofood
so likesilkworms come out of her headand rice comes out of her eyesand small beans come out of her noseand millet comes out of her ears
and barley shoots out of her junkand then large beans come out of her
fundament

300/494

which is what my sourcebook seems to thinka butt is called.

301/494

302/494

So that all turns out okay
but now Susanoo is FOR REAL TRIPLE
EXILED
So he’s wandering around down on Earthwhen he sees this man and woman crying allover their daughterand he’s like “Whoa, whoa, stop that.
What’s going on?”And they’re like “Well, see we used to haveeight daughters
but every year for the last seven years
one of our daughters has been eaten by the
YAMATA NO OROCHI.”And Susanoo is like “Uhh, what is that?”
And they’re like “WELL.
It’s a snake
but instead of one head, it has eightand instead of one tail, it has eightand instead of being normal snake size it is
as long as eight hills and eight valleys.
ARE YOU BEGINNING TO NOTICE A
THEME?

303/494

Also, moss grows on its back and its eyes arelike cherries
I don’t know how the world turtle and Santa
Claus got mixed in here
but HOLY CANNOLI THIS THING ISSCARY.”And Susanoo is like “Pshaw, my friends
I am your local god of storms
romping and stomping is what I DO.
How about you let me have your daughter
and I will kill this big snake?”
And the parents(who are names are Foot-Stroker and HandStroker)
are like “Okay, sure, sweet.”
So immediately Susanoo goes WAZZAP
KAGOWand turns the daughter(whose name is Beautiful-Rice-FieldPrincess)into a comb
which he immediately stuffs in his hair

304/494

presumably to keep her safe
but more likely because he has no idea how
sex actually works.
We are talking about guy who has made a career out of forcing necklaces to give birth.
And then he’s like “ALL RIGHT, GUYS
HERE’S THE PLAN:
I need you to build eight gatesand eight pedestals to put behind the eightgates
and I want you to make eight pots
full of booze that has been distilled EIGHT
TIMES
because we’re kind of on a roll with thewhole eight thing
and then I want you to set that all up for me
and we should be good.”
So they set all that stuff up
and pretty soon the snake comes along
and it smells the octuple-distilled booze andit is like “OH DAMN

305/494

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS HAVING A
PARTY.
TIME TO TRANSFER THE ENTIRE
LIQUOR CONTENT OF THAT PARTY
INTO MY BODY.”
Which is basically what I yell every time I
show up to a party.
But yeah, the snake gets absolutely trashedin all eight of its heads
and then they passes out
at which point Susanoo just strolls byidly decapitating each of the heads insuccession
except he only gets halfway
when his sword hits something and
TOTALLY BREAKS.
Oh wait, it’s fine.
It turns out what he broke his sword on isjust A BRAND-NEW SWORD
so it looks like it all worked out in the end.
Pretty soon after that they let him back into
heaven306/494

because who is going to argue with a guy whojust decapitated a snake eight times?
So the moral of the storyis that no matter what shape or size
drunk animals are ALWAYS hilarious.

AMATERASU AND THE CRIPPLING
DEPRESSION
So, Amaterasu is hiding in a cave.
She is doing this because this is what you dowhen your brother is the god of storms
and he does things like tear up ponies andshit in rice fields for absolutely no reason.
This is a problem.
This is a problem because Amaterasu is thesunand the sun is important for things, likefor example
organic life.
But no one can talk Amaterasu out of her
sadholeno matter how many funny voices they do308/494

and the gods are all starting to get pretty
nervousbecause how are they going to have sweet
beach parties without the sun?
So they have a big meeting of all the gods
and that is quite a thing
because there are about EIGHT HUNDRED
GODS.
Yeah
Shintos don’t mess around.
And all of these gods sit down and they start
brainstorming
and I don’t think they ever got more thanhalfway through brainstorming
because here is what they end up doing:
They get a mirror
and a giant necklace
and some cherry barkand they put it on some tree they foundand then they get this chick named Ama-noUzumi

309/494

whose name means “DREAD CELESTIAL
FEMALE”
to do a silly dance on a washtub until everybody is just laughing their holy asses off.
Okay, so far it sounds like a pretty good party
but where does the plan come in?
Well, see, what happens
is that Amaterasu hears everybody having agood timeand she comes out of her cave like “Hey wait,
why is everybody so happy?
Last thing I remember
some dude was chucking dead horses
through everything.”
And all the other gods are like “Oh we are SO
over that now.
Now we are all about this new goddess wefound.
She is SOOOO much prettier than you it isamazing.
Look, check it out.”
And then they hold up the mirror

310/494

and Amaterasu thinks that her reflection is a
DIFFERENT PERSON.
You heard it here first, my friends
the sun is on the same level intellectuallyas that puppy you had when you were five
you know
the one that kept beating its head against thehall mirror because it was trying to playwith itself.
So Amaterasu is so into her own radiant
glory
that she can’t stop herself from walking toward the mirror
and meanwhile some other gods are creeping
along behind herroping off her escape route so she HAS to go
back into the sky
and then she doesand everyone is free to get as many sunburns
as they can handle.
So the moral of the story311/494

is don’t wear reflective clothing
because the sun will think you are her
and then she will incinerate you while trying
to make your acquaintance.

TANUKIS HAVE BIG BALLS
So tanukis:
First of all, tanukis are a type of animal thatis as adorable as a bullet train full of kittens(assuming that conveying things at highspeed makes them more adorable).
Second of all they are a cross between raccoons and dogs
making them utterly terrifying ur-bastards ofthe highest caliber.
Third of all, they have the BIGGESTTESTICLES POSSIBLE.
This is not a metaphor.
These dudes were rooting through the bargain bin at Balls City
where they unearthed a whole case of superdeluxe triple XL men-tronomes

313/494

and then proceeded to use the ungodly influxof testosterone
to go EVERYWHERE and cause ALL THE
PROBLEMS.
Seriously, the Japanese cannot stop making
statues of these little jerks
getting wrecked in straw hats then dropping
ludicrously ill beats
drummed out on their DISTENDEDMANBULGES.
Think I’m making this up?
I dare you to put down this book right now
and go look up “tanuki testicles” on Google
image search.
Yepthose guys on the second row are using theirballs to bludgeon large fish to death.
You’re welcome.
BUT YOU DID NOT BUY THIS BOOK TO
HEAR ME WAX POETIC ABOUTRACCOON BALLS

314/494(or if you did then you have oddly specifictaste in literature.)
So here is a myth about a tanuki:
Okay, so a tanuki gets married to a fox andthey have a baby
but they are having problems finding foodbecause their forest is WAYYY overhunted.
And they’re about to starve to death when
the tanuki is suddenly like “Oh wait
we have magical shape-shifting powers.
Man, it is so great being a mythologicalcreature.”
So the fox shape-shifts into a dude and thetanuki shape-shifts into a dead tanuki
and the fox carries the tanuki into town andis like “Hey, guys, who wants to buy atanuki?”And everyone is like “I WILL GIVE YOU A
HUNDRED
BUCKS
FOR
THAT
TESTICLE DOG.”
And the fox is like “SOLD.”

315/494

Then she uses the money to go buy a ton offood
and meanwhile the tanuki escapes from thehouse of the dude that bought him andgoes home.
But one of the sucky things about foodis that it gets eaten and then it turns intopoop
and so eventually they need to come up witha plan to get more food.
So the fox is like “All right, well I should
probably be the dead body this time
because it would be kinda suspicious if I
walked into town again and tried to sell
the same tanuki.”
So the tanuki turns into a peasant dudeand the fox turns into a dead fox
and the tanuki carries the fox into town.
But oh no
it looks like some of those leviathan testicle
veins have burrowed into the tanuki’s skull

316/494

because this is the point where his balls seize
control of his entire brain
and start hammering on the button marked“BAD DECISIONS.”
See, he gets into town and he negotiates asale
and then he’s like “You know one of the badthings about a wife
is you have to share food with her
so how about I tell the dude I’m selling mywife to that she’s still alive
and then he’ll kill her and I’ll live happily
ever after!”
So he does that terrible thing and the guy
kills the fox with a brickand then the tanuki celebrates his newfoundbachelorhood by going out and getting
TRASHEDand he stumbles back home to his son at likethree a.m.
and the kid is like “Hey, Dad what happened
to mom?”317/494

And the tanuki is like “Uh, wellwhatever it was, it definitely had nothing to
do with me purposefully getting her
bricked to death.”
And the kid is like “Uh, sure.”
But as the days go by the kid starts to get
more and more suspicious
and also the tanuki is being a huge dick andnot sharing any food with him
so he’s really got no love for this dudewhatsoever
and finally one day he’s like “Yo, Dad
you know mom taught me all her magicalsecrets before she died?”
And the tanuki is like “Bullshit. Prove it.”And the kid is like “Okay. How about you go
to a bridge in the forest
and I will shape-shift into something and try
to cross the bridge
and if you can recognize me, you win.”
and the tanuki is like “YOU’RE ON, SON.”318/494

So he goes to this bridge in the middle of thewoods
and a few minutes later his son shows up
but his son doesn’t cross the bridge.
He just chills out by the far end of the bridge
and waits for his dad to screw himself
and sure enough, here comes the local kingon his chariot of jewels and human miseryand the tanuki is like “HAHAHA, NICE TRY,SON.
YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T RECOGNIZEYOU
AS A PROCESSION OF NOBLEMEN AND
ALSO A CHARIOT.
ALLOW ME TO RUN UP AND PUNCH YOU
IN THE FACE.”
And the king is like “Okay, why is a raccoon
dog trying to blackjack me with hisballsack?
Guards, I believe you are trained to handle
wild animals and their comically large
genitals?”319/494

And the guards are like “SIR YES SIR.”
And they throw the tanuki into the river
where he proceeds to die like a chump.
After that, I guess the kid starves to deathbecause he just killed his only surviving family member
and now who is he going to pretend to sell tothe villagers?
So the moral of the storyis that although the temptation may be great
you should not assume that everybody you
meet is a shape-shifter.
It is almost as dangerous as not assuming
everyone you meet is a shape-shifter.

AFRICAN
Okay, so Africa
it’s a big placefull of a lot of dudes with a lot of myths
so it’s not like there is this big established
canon
of
pure
uncut
AFRICANMYTHOLOGY
more like there’s a bunch of little African
mythologies scattered all over the place
but like every single one of my girlfriends has
told me with a smile and a pat on the back“It’s not the size that mattersbut if you ARE gonna have a tiny penis, you
gotta at least be really freaky in bed tomake up for it.”Uhanyway322/494

what I’m trying to say is that I can’t tell all
the myths from all the mythologies here
so I’m just gonna pick all the sweetest onesin order to give you what I hope is a balanced
picture of what I think is the main throughline of African mythology:
ordinary dudes
making ordinary mistakes
except those ordinary dudes happen to begods so then there’s problems.

OBATALA HAS A DRINKING
PROBLEM
So there’s this dude Obatala.
He’s one of the orisha
which are basically a bunch of gods that exploded out of some other god’s corpse
when one of his slaves dropped a big rock on
him.
So, already this story is shaping up to bepretty sweet
but then it hits a major roadblock real fast:
Obatala wants to make a world
but he has NO IDEA HOW TO DO IT.
Frankly, I find the realism in this myth to behighly refreshing.
I mean, can any of us honestly say we know
the first thing about creating a world?

324/494

Oh, look at me, I’m Ra
let me just will myself into being out of
nothing
and then create land with nothing but my left
nut and PURE GUMPTION.
NO.
THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
You have to SIT YOUR ASS DOWN and you
have to BRAINSTORM.
So that’s what Obatala does.
He hits up his buddy Olorun, the sky god
and he’s like “Yo, Olorun I wanna make aworld with some people in it.”and Olorun, who is the king of the gods
is like “Oh man, that sounds greatbut it also sounds REALLY HARD.
Do you have any plans? Like some blueprints
or something?”
And Obatala is like “Uhh . . .
I’ll get back to you.”325/494

So at this point Obatala really only has one
optionand that is to go see Orunmila, their resident
fortune-teller.
So Obatala goes over to Orunmila’s houseand Orunmila is like “Duuuude!
I can totally tell you how to make a world.
Let’s go into my back room and stare at mynuts for a while.”(He tells fortunes by throwing palm nuts andreading their patterns
but I failed to clarify that because I was looking for an excuse to write “stare at mynuts.”)
So after peering intently into his nuts for awhile
Orunmila is like “All right, dude here’s what
you gotta do:
Step onedescend down to Earth on a GOLD CHAINATTACHED TO THE SKY.
Oh man326/494

that would make such a sweet album cover.
Uh, uh . . . STEP TWO!
Go down to Earth carrying a hen, a black cata palm nut, and a snail shell full of sand.”And Obatala is like “What?”
And Orunmila is like “What?
Sorry, dude, I’m pretty high right now.”
But it’s not like Obatala has any better ideas
so he goes about trying to make this ultimate
gold chain
but he doesn’t have NEARLY enough gold
so he gives the gold he DOES have to the celestial goldsmith
and then he goes all over the sky, collecting
investors.
He’s like “GUYS
GUYS.
Have I got a deal for YOU!
So I don’t know if you’ve noticed
but there’s a whole world of untapped realestate down underneath this sky place.
Why, I ask you327/494

are we totally underutilizing this prime
acreagewhen AS WE SPEAK
dudes could be down there CAUSING
PROBLEMS??
Think about ita whole world full of wretched, fleshy problem machines
for you to set on fire and put your dicks in.”
And all the gods are like “SIGN ME UP.”So Obatala goes back to the jewel smith witha big sack full of gold
but it STILL won’t quite reach the Earthso Obatala is just like “Screw it, man justmake it as long as you can.
I’ll figure something out.
There’s gotta be some reason I exploded outof my dad’s corpse, right?”
And then he takes the chicken, the cat, thepalm nut and the snail shell full of sandand he starts climbing down to Earth.

328/494

I am kinda curious where he got the chicken
and stuff fromseeing as there is not really any land or animal life or anything
but I’ll let it slide.
THIS TIME.
So he gets down to the bottom of the chain
and he can’t quite reach the dim, waterymorass that is the whole world
so he’s trying to figure out what to dowhen here comes Orunmila’s voice from thesky like “Duuuude:
Empty out that snail shell.”
So he does, and the sand falls down below
him and it makes some land
and then Orunmila is like “Duuuude:
Drop your chicken on the sand.”You know what this feels like?
This feels like one of those adventure games
where you spend like seventeen hours wandering around the haunted mansion

329/494with a backpack full of junk and a heart fullof fury
because you didn’t think to stuff the pigeon
in the jukebox or something.
Like, how was Obatala supposed to figure
this shit out?
But anyway, he drops the chicken
and the chicken kicks the sand all over theplace
and it turns into all the land
and then Obatala drops down there with thecat
but then he’s totally out of ideas
so he just kinda sits there and waits forsomething to happen.
About a week later Olorun sends one of his
dudes to see what’s up
and Obatala is like “Man, I dunno.
This seemed like a great idea, but it’s reallydark down here and I’m starting to lose
motivation.”
So this message gets passed along to Olorun

330/494

who is just like “Oh, no problem. Boom.”
And he makes the sun.
Are you telling me this dude knew how tomake the sun all along
but couldn’t figure out how to populate thedamn Earth?
Well, whatever.
What’s important is that Obatala gets super
jazzed by all the sunlightand he plants that palm nut
and it turns into a palm tree
and then he decides to make a bunch of humans out of clay
because he forgot that that was why he came
down here in the first place.
So he’s working on the hot sun sculpting allthese dudes
and he gets pretty thirsty
so he starts drinking some palm wine
because it’s not like he’s SURROUNDED BY
WATER or anything.
So he’s sculpting all the dudes331/494

and drinking all the wineand by the time he’s sculpted the last dude
he is so tipsy he is basically like a one-man
teeter-totter
like if he were to breathe into a Breathalyzer
the BREATHALYZER would get drunk.
Dude is triggity-trashed, is what I am trying
to say.
So Obatala goes and passes out and sleeps
off all that wine
and when he wakes up he goes to admire all
the dudes he madebut he notices that some of the dudes got alittle messed up
because he was so totally plastered when he
was molding them.
Actually, they’re more than a little messed up
because this is where shit like POLIO andBLINDNESS comes from.
Great job, Lushy McDrunkenstein
you invented birth defects.
Huzzah!

332/494

But to his credit
Obatala does feel REALLY bad about all thisand I don’t know whether it’s his guiltor the WICKED hangover he must be dealingwithbut he is like “UghI am NEVER drinking again.”
And then he doesn’t
and he also devotes his life to helping
crippled dudes
so I guess it turns out okay.
So the moral of the storyis that if you die and it turns out reincarnation exists
try to come back as a catbecause that little bastard got a free pass to
Earth and he didn’t have to do SHIT.

LOCAL FATHER DISCOVERSIMMORTALITY WITH THIS ONEWEIRD TIP!
One day Anansi the Ashanti spider-man isdicking around in the wilderness outside
his town
and he gets bored and thirsty
and he sees this house with an old man sitting on the porch.
Now, when I say old
I mean OLLLLD
this guy makes the Crypt Keeper look like
Natalie fucking Portman.
So Anansi walks up to this old man
and he’s like “Excuse me, you fugly
sonofabitch
can I get some ice-cold drinking water?”334/494

And the old man doesn’t say anything.
So Anansi is like“I said: CAN I GET SOME ICY COLD
WATER PRODUCT UP IN HERE?”
And the old man says nothing.
So Anansi is like “Please continue sitting motionless if you want me to go inside andraid your fridge.”
And the old man says nothingso Anansi goes inside and has a gay old time.
He has such a gay time that he comes backthe next day
and the next day
just straight up pillaging this dude’s pantry.
And I don’t know what this dude has in his
pantrybut whatever it is, it must be pretty good’cause one day Anansi brings his eldest
daughter with him to the houseand he is like “Thank you so much for all thisfree food, creepy silent old guy.
To thank you, here is my eldest daughter.

335/494

You guys are married now. Have fun.
Also, daughter?
Go inside and make me a sandwich.”
And then he eats the sandwich and leaves his
daughter and goes home.
So the next day he goes back for more freefoodand maybe to see his daughter, I guess.
But his daughter isn’t there.
WHERE DID SHE GO?
He knows she likes to play hide-and-seek sohe starts looking all over the houseand finally he goes and looks in the last possible place
THE OVEN
and what does he find in there?
THE WEDDING RING HE GAVE HISDAUGHTER.
So he runs outside to the old man like “HEYASSHOLEWHY DID YOU TAKE OFF MY
DAUGHTER’S WEDDING RING?

336/494

SHIT WAS EXPENSIVE.”
And the old man FINALLY starts talking.
He’s all “Do you know who I am?
I’m Death.
You showed up at my house
you ate all my foodand then you married me to a gross ugly
spider chick without my consent
so I ATE YOUR DAUGHTER
and now I am also going to eat YOU.”
And Anansi is like “No no no.
I like not having consequences for myactions.
This seems like a consequence. This is
terrible.”
So he starts running.
He figures Death is probably pretty slow given how old he isbut no, he’s keeping up
and Anansi starts getting tired, so he climbs
a treeand he’s about to jump to another tree

337/494

when he looks down and sees Death juststanding there
because guess what, guys:
DEATH CANNOT CLIMB TREES.
I guess this explains why squirrels areimmortal?
So the personification of death itself is juststanding at the bottom of this tree
and he starts chucking everything in arm’s
reach at Anansi
and eventually he runs out of shit to throwand goes to find more shit
at which point Anansi jumps out of the tree
and books it for his house, screaming “HEY,HEY
WIFE AND KIDS:
CLIMB UP TO THE CEILING
DEATH IS COMING.
MY WILD IRRESPONSIBLITY HAS ONCEAGAIN ENDANGERED MY ENTIREFAMILYAM I, PERHAPS

338/494

THE BEST HUSBAND AND FATHER?”
And his wife is like
“WHAT’S THAT?
I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OFOUR FOUR STARVING CHILDRENSTUCK HERE ALL DAY WHILE YOU RAID
DEATH’S KITCHEN FOR YOURSELF.”
And Anansi is like “FINE. I’ll take them up to
the ceiling MYSELF.”
So he runs into the house and drags everybody up to the ceilingand Death runs in after him and sees everyone up on the ceilingand he can’t do a thing about it except pullup a chair
grab a burlap sackand just sit there
waiting.
So it’s not too long before Anansi’s youngest
son starts losing his grip on the ceiling.
Wait. Since when has a spider had ceilingproblems?

339/494

Spiders LIVE on my fucking ceiling.
THEY WON’T LEAVE.
The only explanation is that these spiders arelike . . . reverse Spider-Man
with all the disadvantages of a spider
coupled with all the disadvantages of a man.
So anyway, this kid is like “DADDY, HELP!”
And Anansi is like “HOLD ON, JUNIOR.
IF YOU FALL, DEATH WILL EAT YOU.”
So Junior falls
and Death catches him and is like “I’m only
after your dad, kid.
But I’m still gonna stick you in this burlap
sack.”
Then Anansi’s youngest daughter falls off
and the same thing happens
and again and again
until it’s just Anansi up there
and he’s about to lose his grip
when he goes “WAIT!
DEATH!
I am SOOOO FAT

340/494

from eating SOOO MUCH OF YOUR FOOD.
If I fall to the floor I’m totally going to explode on impact
and then what are you gonna eat?
Spider guts?
Gross.
What you SHOULD do
is go get my big barrel of flour from the kitchen and put it under meso that when I fall, you get a nice breading onme.”
So Death is like “Dur, okay.
Just let me leave you alone in the room real
quick.”And Anansi is like “YESSSS.
Man, I am such a genius. Holy shit!
I can’t believe I have LITERALLY CHEATED
DEATH with my sheer genius!”
But by the time Anansi is done congratulating himself Death has come back in with thebarreland Anansi is like “Balls.”

341/494

But all is not lost
because when Death leans over the barrel tomake sure it’s centered
Anansi drops down on the back of his head
which freaks him out
because, you know
spider on his head
and in the resulting confusion and flour-induced blindness
Anansi is able to grab his wife and kids andrun out the doorand he’s been escaping Death ever since.
Actually, that’s why those spiders won’t leave
my ceiling.
It’s because Death still hasn’t figured out
how to use ladders.
So now you know, guys.
The secret to immortality
is to duct tape yourself to the ceilingYou’re welcome.

ESHU ELEGBA IS PROBABLY THE
LAST DUDE YOU WANTAPPROVING YOUR FRIENDSHIP
Okay, so there’s this dude Eshu Elegba,
right?
He’s one of the main gods in the Yoruba
pantheon
and also a pretty crazy dude.
Basically, he is what it would be like
if Loki was pretty much allowed to run hiswhole pantheon.
He is associated mainly with roads, trickery,pipe-smoking, and dongs.
The last two may be interrelated.
Hell, the last three.
You know what?

343/494

Everything is related to dongs.
MOVING ON.
So there are these two farmers.
They are best buds, and they live across thestreet from each other.
So one day they’re sitting out on their respective porches
enjoying the sunshine and each others’
companionshipwhen Eshu Elegba walks by real fast
and the farmer on the north side of the roadis like “Dude, did you see that guy just now?
The one with the red hat?”and the farmer on the south side of the street
is like “Uh, I saw a guy
but he was wearing a BLUE AND WHITEhat.
I think maybe you’ve had too much to drink.”
And the first farmer is like “Guess again, shit
eyes.
That guy’s hat was clearly red.”344/494

And the second farmer is like “YOU are theone with shit for eyes.”
And the first farmer is like “I’LL SHIT IN
YOUR EYES.”
And just then, Eshu Elegba walks past in theother direction
and the first farmer is like “Holy balls, you’reright.
The dude’s hat IS blue and white.”
And the second guy is like “What are you
talking about?
YOU are the one who is right.
That guy’s hat is CLEARLY red.”
And the first farmer is like “YOU KNOW
WHAT’S RED?
MY FISTAFTER I USE IT TO RIP YOUR STILLBEATING
HEART
FROM
YOUR
CHEST.”
And the other guy is all “NOT AS RED AS
HIS HAT, YOU SHANDY-PANCAKE.”

345/494

and the first guy is like “WHAT THE HELLIS A SHANDY-PANCAKE?”
and the second guy is like “I DON’T HAVETO KNOW WHAT IT IS
TO CUT YOUR FACE OFF WITH IT.”
And then the neighbors show up like “Okay,
guys, enough is enough.
We’re gonna take you both to the king andlet him sort it out.”
So they go all the way to the kingand they get into the throne roomand then Eshu shows up like “POOF
KLAZAM, DICKHEADS.”
And they see his hat from the front
because I guess they never tried to look athimwhile he was RUNNING TOWARD OR
AWAY FROM THEM
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW:
IT’S HALF RED AND HALF WHITE/BLUEIT IS BASICALLY THE ULTIMATE U.S.A.
PARTY FEDORA

346/494

and Elegba is like “Guess what, guys:
YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D.
This is what happens when you make a newfriend without consulting me first
BECAUSE I’M ELEGBAAPPROVER OF FRIENDSHIPS.
JK, guys, I actually just kinda wanted to see afight.
CAUSING STRIFE IS MY GREATEST JOY.”
And then he runs off and everyone is like“Wow.
Who put that dude in charge of theuniverse?”
Which is a question I think has been asked
many times about pretty much every god.
So the moral of the story
is make sure to eat your carrots
because good eyesight may just save yourfriendship.

CHINESE
So considering how the current official religion of China
seems to be something like “Stand still while
we bulldoze your house to build thisdam”
it’s hard to put a finger on the relationshipbetween ancient Chinese tales
and any specific religion.
In fact
the way it really works
is that wayyy back in the day, some dudes got
together and made up some sweet stories
but they kinda forgot to attach a religion tothem
so then later on, all these other religions
came along349/494

like Taoism and Confucianism andBuddhism
they were all like “Whoa, these myths are
pretty sweet!
Let’s steal them!”
So all the tropes of the old myths got repurposed to make the points of all these new
religionsand meanwhile
a whole bunch of the old myths made it
through more or less intact
so in this section
I’m gonna try to give you a little taste of all
the different religionsthat bastardized Chinese mythology
just like I’m about to.

PAN GU IS A PRETTY BIG DUDE
Okay, so Pan Gu, right?
Apparently he was a dude living inside an
egg back in the day.
Where was the egg, you ask?
Probably in China
because that is where this myth is from.
BZZ
WRONG.
CHINA DOESN’T EXIST YET IN THISSTORY.
THIS IS A CREATION MYTH
TRY TO KEEP UP.
Actually this egg is pretty much all there is
anywhereand inside the egg is all this cool stuff
like lava and birds and mountains and boobs

351/494

and also this dude Pan Gu, like I said.
But even though Pan Gu literally has accessto EVERYTHING THERE IS
he gets pretty bored inside this egg
and he’s like “OKAY, THAT’S ENOUGH.”
and he picks up an ax and breaks that egg inhalf LIKE A BOSS.
Then he proceeds to have an EIGHTEENTHOUSAND-YEAR growth spurt
constantly holding the top of the egg balanced on his head in the process
which basically turns the top of the egg into
the skyand the bottom into the earth.
It is very important that Pan Gu maintainproper posturebecause otherwise we’re all pooched.
But so yeah then his beard turns into forests
and whatnot.
I think his bone marrow turns into rubies
also352/494

and something about his breath and windand birds.
Whatever.
This dude is literally everything
so you can kind of assume that if there is athing
it probably came about as a result of one of
Pan Gu’s bodily processes.
But the best part is where humans comefrombecause apparently
humans are the lice that come off this dude’s
corpse when he dies.
Yep
we are all lice, ladies and gentlemen.
So the moral of the story isnever bathe
because it is genocide.

CHANG’E IS A SUBSTANCE
ABUSER
Okay, so you guys know about the sun, right?
It’s this big ball of fire and explosions thatflies around giving people cancer.
But did you know there used to be TEN
SUNS?
Yeah
it SUCKED.
It sucked so bad that Di Jun (aka ChineseZeus)(aka the father of all these rambunctious
suns)(Get it? Suns? Sons? It’s brilliant.)
had no idea what to doso here’s what went down:

354/494

There’s this really great archer named HouYi
and he’s chilling in his heavenly crib with hiswife Chang’e
and all of a sudden the phone rings and it’s
Di Jun.
Hou Yi is like “Yo, Di Jun, my man, what’s
cookin’?”
And Di Jun is like “My friend the entire
Earth is cooking.
You could fry an egg on a goddamn glacierright about now
and it ain’t none of this sous-vide bullshit or
nothing.
This is honest-to-goodness summer backyard barbecue
except instead of a big plate of watermelon
on the back porch
everyone’s skin is melting off.
Can you solve this problem for me?”And Hou Yi is like “You got it, buddy.”

355/494

So Hou Yi grabs his trusty arrows and goesoutsideand just kills nine out of the ten suns
and then he stares at the tenth sun real hardand he’s like
“You best behave, sun.”
And the sun is like “OKAY DUDE, NO
PROBLEM.”
And promptly dives underground and takes
the subway homeand Hou Yi is like “Well, that was easy.
You’re welcome, Di Jun.”
And Di Jun is like “WHAT THE HELL,DUDE
YOU JUST KILLED 90 PERCENT OF MYSUNS.
I MEAN SONS.
I MEAN TECHNICALLY BOTH, BUT
WHATEVER.”
And Hou Yi is like “Dude, do you even know
who you called to solve your problem?
You called Hou Yi the immortal archer.

356/494

And you know what they say:When the only tool you have is a hammer
every problem starts to look like you cansolve it by shooting your friend’s sons.
Ummm, I think I may have mixed my metaphors a little bit.”And Di Jun is like “DAMN RIGHT YOU DID.
I AM HEREBY REVOKING YOURIMMORTALITY.
ALSO:YOUR WIFE’S IMMORTALITY.”
And Chang’e is like “Wait, what did I do?”So now Hou Yi and Chang’e are both mortal
and Chang’e will NOT stop bitching about it
for good reason.
So finally Hou Yi is like “GRR, FINE.
I will go get us some immortality.”
So he goes all the way to the west
and he finds Xiwangmu, the good witch of
the west
who gives him a couple pills of immortality
and she’s like “Careful, dude.

357/494

This is some heavy shit.
Don’t take too much.”
And Hou Yi is like “Sure, no problem.”
And then proceeds to go home and leave all
the pills with his wife
while he goes out to shoot more things witharrows.
Now, different tellers of this story ascribe
different motivations to Chang’e here.
Some say she was a greedy twank whowanted all the immortality for herself.
Some say that there were some robbers andshe took all the pills to spite them.
Some say she got hungry and confused.
Whatever the reason, the point is that Hou Yi
isn’t gone for fifteen seconds
before all the pills are in his wife’s mouth
at which point she proceeds to have THE
ULTIMATE OVERDOSE.
But instead of throwing up and then dying
which would be SILLY
Chang’e becomes TOO IMMORTAL

358/494

and apparently immortality = buoyancy
so she floats to the moonand her husband comes home and sees her
floating to the moonand he’s about to take out his bow and try toshoot her down
but everyone is all “NO, HOU YISOMETIMES YOU CANNOT SOLVE
PROBLEMS BY SHOOTING THEM.”
And Hou Yi is like “Seriously?
Why did nobody tell me this before?”and then his wife lives on the moon with arabbit foreverand later another guy named Wu Gang getssent there.
He’s like Sisyphus except with a tree insteadof a rockand chopping it down instead of pushing it
up a hill.
So the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
unless you wanna wake up on the moon359/494with nothing but a rabbit and a deranged
lumberjack to keep you company.
Take it from me, man.
Take it from me.

FEI CHANG-FANG AND THE POOP
MYSTICOkay, you are about to hear a story about
magic and poopand I wish I could say that the magic was themost important part.
So Fei Chang-Fang is a dude who is interested in the Tao from a very early age
and then at a slightly less early age he becomes a police officer
but then he quits because fuck the police.
So then one day he is hanging out at arestaurant
and he sees this old man come walking into
the town square361/494

and the old man sits down and pulls somemedicinal herbs(cough cough)out of a large gourd
and proceeds to sell them all day.
Now Chang-Fang, having just quit his job
has nothing better to do than sit in the restaurant and watch this dude sell drugs allday
and at the end of the day
the old dude puts all his herbs back into the
gourd
and then SHOOP
jumps into the gourd himself
and Chang-Fang just sits there like“what.”So he sits at the restaurant every day for aweek, watching this guy do thisand finally he’s like “Screw it I’m just gonna
go talk to this dude.”
So he gets up and walks across the courtyard

362/494

but right when he is about to get up in theold guy’s businessthe old guy goes SHOOP SHOOP BA-DOOP
and jumps into his gourd.
so Chang-Fang goes and looks in the gourd
and I will be DAMNED if there isn’t an entire
HOUSE chilling out inside that gourd.
And the old dude is all up in there
and he walks right up to the mouth of the
gourd
and looks Chang-Fang right in the eye
and is like “HOW DID YOU SEE ME GO
INTO THE GOURD?
ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN LEARN MAGICCAN SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD.
HERE. COME HAVE LUNCH IN MY
GOURD.”So Chang-Fang jumps into the gourd withthe old dude and they have a tasty lunch
and they have many tasty lunches for days
afterward
and discuss the mysteries of the Tao.

363/494

But one day the old man in the gourd is like
“Hey Chang-Fang
I like how your name rhymes
and also I have a confession to make:I am actually a Taoist immortal
imprisoned on earth for breaking the laws ofheaventhey make me sell drugs down here
to atone for selling drugs up there.
Anyway, I get out tomorrow and I’m totally
going back to the immortal kingdom.
Wanna come with?”
And Chang-Fang is like “DO I?
Oh wait, do I?”’Cause, see, Chang-Fang has a family
and he doesn’t want them to worry abouthim.
But the old dude is like “Boy do I have a solution for THAT.
Here, take this bamboo stick and hang itfrom a tree in front of your house.”
So Chang-Fang does

364/494

and then his parents come outside
and they see the stick
only instead of a stick they see THEIR SON.
HE KILLED HIMSELF.
THEY ARE SO SAD.
And meanwhile Chang-Fang is standing next
to them like “Totally not dead, guys.”
But they don’t see or hear him
so the old man from the gourd is like “Welplooks like I just destroyed your only reason
for not coming with me.”And Chang-Fang is like “Checkmate, sir.”
And they journey to the immortal
mountains.
So the old man leads Chang-Fang into a caveand makes him sit down on a slab of rockand then he’s like WAM BAM WIZZOW
and conjures a huge rock over Chang-Fang’sheadsuspended by a puny-ass ropeand then he’s like FIZZANG PACHOW
BLORB

365/494

and summons a bunch of snakes to bite thecrap out of the ropeand the rope starts to frayand Chang-Fang is just like “Yawn.
I see you have some snakerope.
Well done, I guess.”
So the old man is like “NICE!
You are totally worthy to learn magic anddivination.”
And then he leads him up a mountain passand then he waves his hands and ABRA-KAGODDAMN-DABRAIT’S POOPTIME
Seriously, there is just so much poop all of asudden.
Just a massive pile of poops.
And do you know what it is covered in?
not marshmallows
or peanut brittle.
Nope
MAGGOTS366/494

JUST A WHOOOOLE BUNCH OF
MAGGOTSand the old man grabs three maggots and islike “Here, Chang-Fang.
Here are some maggots for you to eat.”
And Chang-Fang is like “What? No.”
And the old man is like “Aww, man.
I thought you were cool.
Looks like you don’t get to be an immortal
now.”
And Chang-Fang is like “I guess I’m okaywith that
if being an immortal means I have to eatpoop maggots.
Anyway, do you have any magic consolation
prizes for me?”
And the old man is like “VANNA TELL THE
MAN WHAT HE’S WON.”
And Vanna White doesn’t say anything because she’s not there and the old man iscrazy367/494

so then he’s just like “Well you can have mygourd full of drugs
and you can have this magic teleporting
walking stick.
GOOD-BYE I WILL NEVER SEE YOU
AGAIN.”
So then Chang-Fang kind of starts to wonder
how his parents are doing
so he teleports home and knocks on his door
And his dad opens up the door like “OH NO
A GHOST.”
But then Chang-Fang is like “Calm down,
Dad.
I’m not a ghost.
I just pranked you into burying a bamboo
stick using magic.
Here, I’ll prove it.”So they go dig up the stickand then everyone is happy again and they
have a banquet.
But Chang-Fang is confused368/494

because his relatives are all mega old forsome reason
and he is like “Mom, why are you guys soold?
I was only gone for like a day.”And his mom is like “WRONG, SON.
YOU WERE GONE FOR FIFTEEN YEARSBECAUSEOF
CELESTIAL
TIME
DILATION.”
And Chang-Fang is like “Oh dang.
Well . . . I gotta go help people now with mymagic drugs.
I’ll try to visit sometimes.”
So then he travels all over the place
healing the sick and capturing demons andstuff
and eventually diesbecause he refused to eat poop that one time
although I’m not really sure whether ChangFang really had a chance369/494

or if that whole poop mountain thing wasjust that asshole immortal’s idea of areally great prankwhich just goes to showthat you should never eat poopor the maggots that live in poop
no matter who tells you toor what they are offering.

SUMERIAN
A long time ago, there was this place called
Sumeria
it was a pretty cool place
or at least, I like to think it was a pretty coolplace.
There’s not really that much to go on,honestly.
See, people don’t actually know that muchabout Sumeria, because of how old it isand also because apparently these dudes
used to party so hardthat they seriously damaged a lot of the big
clay blocks they used to keep their writingon
so the best we can dois to kind of stare really hard at the blankspaces on their clay tablets372/494

and make shit up.
For a prime example check out Snow Crash
by Neal Stephenson.
For a SUPER-PRIME example check out thisbucket of nonsense.

THE ANCIENT SUMERIANS KNEW
HOW TO PARTY
So to start out there is this husband-and-wife
god-team.
The dude is named An, and the lady isnamed Ki.
They make the world, blah blah blah.
When I say “blah blah blah,” what I mean isthat most of the words about that part got
destroyedprobably while some lush of a priest was attempting a prehistoric kegstand.
What I CAN tell youis that the water is supposed to have given
birth to all the stuff that’s in the world
which makes sense, because water is pretty
important374/494

and also because in Sumerian“water” and “semen” are the SAME WORD
which must have made for some WACKYMISUNDERSTANDINGS.
Anyway, once the world has already gotten
made and stuff
Ki’s son Enlil totally steals her from her husband/his dad
which is GROSS, but definitely not
unprecedented
and then I guess all the other gods get thememo that it is people-stealin’ time
because after another chunk of party-foul-induced relic damage
we cut back in to see this chick named
Ereshkegal getting carried down to theunderworld.
So this other dude, Enkithe god of water and being a huge nerd all
the time
is like “I’ll save you, Ereshkegallll!”
So he gets on a boat

375/494

which seems like an unnecessary step for a
god of water
but then his boat sinks
which is DEFINITELY something thatshould never happen to the god of water
but then later Ereshkegal becomes queen of
the underworld
so it all works out pretty well for her.
But that’s not all
because we have yet to address the mostwell-preserved part of this tale of fail:
HOW THE MOON GOT MADE.
See, there’s this chick Ninlil(who is the goddess of wind)and her mom, Ninshebargunu, is like
“DaughterI want you to promise me that you will not go
swimming in the canal.
If you do, Enlil will see you, and he will
totally sex you up.
You know how gods are.”376/494

So obviously Ninlil nearly breaks her necktrying to get down to the canaland then five minutes later, Enlil shows up
all like “HEY, PRETTY GIRL I JUSTINVENTED THIS NEW GAMEIT IS CALLED JUST THE TIP.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY?”
And Ninlil is like “Ew, dude. I’m like twelve.”
And Enlil is like “Wait, I thought your mom
told you how this was gonna go down.
Oh well.”Then he rapes her in a boat.
So Ninlil gets pregnant
and everyone gets understandably pissed off
at Enliland they actually manage to get him banned
from town as a registered sex offenderso he leaves
and Ninlil follows him
presumably because Enlil conveniently forgot to make any arrangements regardingchild support.

377/494

But it turns out that following Enlil is a reallybad idea
because he is so bummed out by this turn of
eventsthat he has decided to walk STRAIGHT TO
HELL
and there is some weird rule that says that if
your baby gets born in hell it has to staythere.
Now, Enlil knows about this rule and he feels
pretty bad about it
so he concocts this genius plan:
When Ninlil arrives at the gates of theunderworld
there is a dude in a guard costume with anametag that says “DEFINITELY NOTENLIL”and the guard is like “Hey, girl I see you wantto get into hell.
Unfortunately, there is a cover charge
and the cover charge is having sex with me.”
So Ninlil is just like “Uh . . . Okay!”378/494

And then they bang and she gets DOUBLEPREGNANT.
Then she goes to the next gate into hell andEnlil pulls the same prank AGAIN.
Then he does it A THIRD TIME.
Now, it may seem like Enlil is just trying to
get his bone on with the same chick inseveral costumes
but while that is definitely PART of his
motivation
this whole zany sexcapade has the effect offilling Ninlil’s womb with expendable
children
who will stay in hell instead of the first baby
who is named Nanna
and is destined to be the MOON.
So that’s where the moon comes from.
So the moral of the storyis that any problem caused by sex
can be easily solved by MORE SEX.

ENKI AND NIMMAH PARTY FARTOO HEARTILY
So when last we left our Sumerian gods
they were all busy stealing each other andcrashing boats and prank-sexing eachother in costumes.
But in the interim things seem to haveslowed down a bit.
Now all the gods are working in the fields forminimum wage
just so that they can get something to EAT.
Wait, what?
These are the gods we are talking about
the asshole children with superpowers who
run the universeand here they are, SHARECROPPING?
What gives?

380/494

Well, that’s exactly what all the gods are saying to themselves
when suddenly, it hits them:This kind of boring shit is what PEOPLE arefor
And they TOTALLY FORGOT TO INVENT
THOSE.
So they get some clay
and they mold it into some dude shapes
and then they stick it in a mother goddess fora whileand BOOMPEOPLE!
So now the gods have someone to do all the
farmwork for themand they can get back to the preferred
Sumerian pastime:
PARTYING.
Everybody gets pretty wasted
especially Enki and this womb goddess
named Nimmah.

381/494

So they’re hitting on each other in the way
only drunk people can:Nimmah is like “DUDE YOU ARE SO
WORTHLESS.
WITHOUT MY SICK WOMB SKILLS ALL
THE DUDES WOULD BE DEFORMED.”
And Enki is like “PISH POSH, MY FRIEND.
YOU CAN MAKE DUDES AS DEFORMED
AS YOU PLEASEAND I CAN STILL FIND JOBS FOR THEM.”
So obviously this turns into a contest.
Nimmah goes about trying to invent themost messed-up dudes she canand Enki is passing out jobs like a prostituteon a hot streak.
It’s like
Parkinson’s?
GRAND VIZIER.
No dick?
ROYAL GUARD.
No eyes?

382/494

WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A
DUDE BY THE NAME OF HOMER?
So this goes on for a whileand finally Nimmah is like “Ugh, fine.
I guess god CAN’T make a dude so messedup that even he can’t employ him.”
And Enki is like “Not so fast, sugarpants. Let
me try.”And he picks up the clay
and he just makes the most utterly hideous
sack of meat and pain
ever to grace the flesh circus.
This thing’s spine is all crooked and its
hands are shaking
and its butthole is all caved in and it can’t
walk without its feet busting open.
Nimmah tries to feed it some bread but it
can’t even EAT.
And Nimmah is like “Whoa, dude, what’s
your secret?”
And Enki is like “Oh, I just didn’t put it in awomb ’cause I don’t have one.

383/494

This baby is PREMATURE.”
And Nimmah’s like “Oh . . .
Oh god.
It is just now dawning on me how completely
gross this all is.
Let’s try to never do this again, okay?”
But joke’s on them, because that stuff still
happens.
Except that as is usually the case when thejoke is on the gods
the joke is actually on us.
So the moral of the storyis that you should never get drunk when you
have superpowers.

GILGAMESH AND ENKIDU:ULTIMATE BROMANCE
Oh my gods and goddesses.
Have you heard about this Gilgamesh guy?
Seriously, the ancient Sumerians actually describe him
as a dude who is “perfect in awesomeness.”Also, his dad is some random dude but his
mom is a goddess who bangs his dad SO
HARD
that Gilgamesh is TWO-THIRDS GOD AND
ONE-THIRD HUMAN
THAT’S RIGHT
they
bone
with
SUCH
FURIOUSDEDICATION that they DESTROY MATH.
But here is the problem, guys:385/494

Gilgamesh is such a badasshe cannot comprehend how people can be
ANY LESS BADASS THAN HE
so he makes all the dudes in the city he isking of constantly do feats of strength withhim
and also there is a law that Gilgamesh gets tobone everyone’s wives.
So everyone’s bitching to the goddess Eiru
like “Hey, Eiru
can you make a dude who is a bad enoughdude to cockwrestle Gilgamesh?
Because we are worried that if you do not
Gilgamesh will sex us all to death.”
And Eiru is like “WELL I was wondering
what to do with this rock I have.
BOOM. NOW IT IS A PERSON.”
This guy that Eiru creates is called Enkidu
and he is basically just Cousin Itt from The
Addams Family

386/494

if Cousin Itt had the ability to TEAR YOU INHALF AND THEN FEED YOU TOYOURSELF.
He pretty much just runs screaming throughthe forest punching bears, every day
until one day some namby-pamby hunter
sees him drinking water with all his sweet
animal pals
and the hunter is like “THAT DUDE IS SO
MANLY HE MADE MY GUN GO LIMP”
And he goes and asks someone else to help
him get rid of this hairy dudebut the dude he is whining to is like “Dude,chill OUT.
Just go hit up Gilgamesh for one of his many,
many whores
and then get Enkidu to bang that whore
and then all his animal magnetism will getsucked into the whore.
BOOM. SCIENCE.”
So the hunter goes to Gilgamesh, who hooks
him up with an exceedingly legitimate ho387/494

and he brings her back to the ol’ wateringhole
and she flashes her tits at Enkidu
and then they proceed to bang for SEVENDAYS STRAIGHT
and afterward the ho makes Enkidu take ashowerwhich scares away all his animal pals because animals do not like hygiene.
So Enkidu is like “Damn, I gots to find me
the source of all these comely hos.”so he goes back to Gilgamesh’s kingdom
where Gilgamesh is right in the middle oftrying to bang some dude’s wifeand Enkidu shows up like “Dude what thehell are you doing?
WANNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACHOTHER INSTEAD?”
And Gilgamesh is like “YESSSS.”
so they punch at each other until they get
tired of gargling their own teeth and then decide to be BFFs.

388/494

I am not a scientist, but this may be why women live longer than men.
Anyway, their first act as ULTIMATE
BESTIESis to walk all the way across the known world
to punch Humbaba, the magic tree guardian.
Humbaba is not a bad dude or anything
he’s really more like those hippies that chain
themselves to live oaks and whatnot
except he has INTESTINES all over his faceand his breath is a combination of DEATH
and FIRE.
Anyway, Gilgamesh and Enkidu skip off toward this sacred cedar tree
LITERALLY HOLDING HANDS.
IT IS ADORABLE.
They skip for LEAGUES AND LEAGUESAND LEAGUESand Gilgamesh keeps waking up in the
middle of the night like “BRO, I HAD A
BAD DREAM

389/494

IT WAS ABOUT VOLCANOS OR FIREBREATHING BIRDS OR LIGHTNING
OR SOMETHING.”
And Enkidu is like “Naw, bro, those aretotally sweet and appropriate things todream about.”
BUT THEN THEY FINALLY FINDHUMBABA’S FOREST
and Humbaba pops out like “’Sup.”
And then this god Shamash who is apparently the sun god
suddenly shows up and hits Humbaba with
ALL THE WINDS.
First there’s the winds you would expect likenorth, south, east, etc.
Then there’s some kinda reasonable stuff likeblizzard, storm, and sandstorm.
But then shit really flies off the handle andwe get whistling wind, ice wind, demon windand just straight up BAD WIND.
Anyway, all those winds immobilize Humbaba in an aethereal bukkake throwdown390/494

so Gilgamesh is about to chop off Humbaba’s
head
and Humbaba is like “DUDE WE ARE IN A
FOREST.
THERE IS WOOD LITERALLY COMINGOUT OF OTHER WOOD.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO MURDER ME FOR
THIS SPECIFIC TREE.”
But Gilgamesh murders him anyway
and then he’s like “Sweet now I can use thistree to make a huge door.
I don’t really have a place to put a huge door
right now
but like my grand-pappy used to say:‘You never know when you’re gonna need areally huge door.’”391/494392/494

So they’re back at home, enjoying this sweet
door and also each other’s company
when Ishtar has to come along and fuck it allup.
(Ishtar, by the way is the goddess of basicallyeverything worth doing:
sex, war, and babies.
Wait, I don’t mean that you should do babies, though. That is gross/illegal.)
So Ishtar is like “HEY, GILGAMESH I HAVE
THIS GAPING HOLE IN MY BODY
I’M WORRIED IT MIGHT JUST STARTSHOOTING OUT MY ORGANS ORSOMETHINGI HEAR YOU HAVE SOMETHING ABOUT
THE RIGHT SIZE TO PLUG THIS HOLE
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”
And Gilgamesh is like “Whoa, girl, slow yourroll.
Your tits are exceedingly fine but I am awareof a little something called history393/494

and history tells us that every dude you havebangedhas either caught on fire or turned into adwarf.
I am sure there are dongs aplenty in thiskingdom of mine.
Go nuts.
Just steer clear of MY nuts.”
So Ishtar goes up to Godtowne and she is like
“GUYS GILGAMESH WON’T STUFF MY
MUFF.
GIVE ME THE BULL OF HEAVEN SO I
CAN GO RUIN EVERYTHING.”
Yeah, apparently they keep this bull aroundfor if they ever need to ruin everything
and the gods are pretty laissez-faire about
how it gets used
so Ishtar drags the bull down to earth
and Gilgamesh eventually sees it after it’s
killed like a million people

394/494

and then he and Enkidu are like “BESTBUDS TAG-TEAM MURDERCYCLE
YEAH!”and they handle the bull to pieces in a matterof seconds, and steal its horns
and then they high-five so hard that anotherthousand or so people die.
BUT ALL IS NOT WELL, MY FRIENDS
because tonight it is ENKIDU’S TURN TO
HAVE THE DREAMS.
He dreams that the gods are all sitting
around talking
and they’re like “Man,
Enkidu and Gilgamesh are a two-man meatgrinder
grindin’
up
all
our
best
abominations.
We gotta kill one of them, but we can’t kill
Gilgamesh his name is in the title.
Guess we better kill Enkidu, huh?”
And Enkidu wakes up like “THERE IS NO
POSSIBLE WAY TO INTERPRET THISFAVORABLY.”

395/494

Then he gets real sick and he dies.
Now, we all know about the nine stages ofgrief or whatever
but those are for CHUMPS.
Gilgamesh’s grieving process has three steps:
Step one: Cry about it.
Step two: Make everyone else cry about it using your fists.
Step three: SEEK IMMORTALITY.
So he goes and talks smack to some scorpion
dudes, who let him walk through a mountainand then on the other side he finds THE
WATERS OF DEATH
which is probably not the first place I would
look if I were searching for immortality
but anyway, there is an inn there
and Gilgamesh threatens the innkeeper until
she tells him how to get across the waterand then he threatens the guy who can get
him across the waterand then he has to rebuild the boat he destroyed while threatening that guy

396/494

but finally they sail to the other side which iswhere Gilgamesh was trying to get,apparently.
And there’s this dude there called
Utnapishtim
and he’s like “Whoa, you got some balls coming over here, son. What’s your name?”and Gilgamesh is like “I’M GILGAMESH.
MY BEST PAL DIED NOW I WANNA BE
IMMORTAL.”And Utnapishtim is like “That is the mostweak-sauce reason anyone has given me
to do anything.
But anyway, let me tell you my life story:”
SUMMARY:UTNAPISHTIM IS NOAHEXCEPT HE SAVES A LOT MORE
HUMANS AND THEN HE GETS TO BEIMMORTALTHE END.
And after his story, Utnapishtim is like “So,
you see I busted my ass for immortality397/494

and frankly I don’t think the gods are down
to do that again.
You may want to just take your punk ass
back across the waters of death and go
die like a man.”But joke’s on Utnapishtim
because Gilgamesh got so bored of the story
that he actually FELL ASLEEP.
But actually, joke’s on Gilgamesh
because Utnapishtim bakes a ton of breadand puts it next to Gilgamesh’s face
so that when he wakes up SEVEN DAYSLATER
he sees all this moldy bread and he is like
“Ew, gross.”
But then I guess Utnapishtim feels bad about
his prank
so he tells Gilgamesh about this weird immortality plant that grows at the bottomof the ocean
and then obviously Gilgamesh ties rocks to
his feet and sinks to the bottom of the ocean

398/494(Again, this does not seem like the behaviorof a dude who is trying to not die)and he gets this plantbut then he stops to take a bath on his way
back home and a snake steals the plant
and then eventually Gilgamesh gets old anddies miserable and alone
or maybe content and surrounded bywhores.
The epic is not clear on this point.
So basically
Enkidu wouldn’t have died if that chickhadn’t boned him and then made him
take a shower
and Gilgamesh would’ve had eternal youth if
he hadn’t stopped for a bathso the moral of the storyis that REAL HEROES NEVER BATHE.

NATIVE
AMERICAN
Now the problem with dedicating a section
to the whole of Native American mythology
is that there were a lot of people living in thiscountry before we showed up and set it on
fire
and some of them didn’t get along too welland they ALL had their own stories
so trying to tell a cohesive Native American
mythology
with only a handful of myths
is a lot like trying to cook an alphabet soup
using only the letter “A”
so I highly recommend that you go online
and look up some Native American myths on
your own

401/494

because there’s a TON of themand they’re great
but for now
I am going to attempt to give you a small
spoonfulof the alphabet soup that this country used tobelong to.

WISAKEDJAK IS HIGHLY
IRRESPONSIBLE
Now I know I told you there were a thousand
and one pantheons to choose from here
but at least as far as creation myths areconcerned
all the Native American stories start to soundpretty much the same after a while
so I picked the Algonquin version
because it is the one with the highest concentration of hilarious jerks.
Speakingofhilarious
jerks,
meet
Wisakedjak.
His name is sometimes anglicized as Whiskey Jackbut that’s needlessly confusing403/494’cause this dude has nothing to do withwhiskey
and in fact was around WAYYYY before
whiskey
because what kind of creation myth would
this be otherwise?
A much drunker one, that’s what kind.
But Wisakedjak is not the kind of dude who
NEEDS whiskey to get down.
See, he’s a trickster god
who happens to be real tight with thecreator.
So basicallythe creator makes the world
and then he’s like “Dude, Wisakedjak
I am so tired from making this world andstuff.
How about you handle everything else now.
Like, teach everyone what roots are good toeat
and keep them from killing each other andstuff.

404/494

You know, pretty much everything I am actually personally responsible for doing
but like, the not-fun part of it.”So the creator goes to sleep
and Wisakedjak proceeds to do the exact opposite of everything the creator told him to
doas in, he feeds everyone poison and goesaround starting fights.
So then the creator wakes up from like a tenyear nap
and he’s like “Whooooaaaa, dude.
What did I tell you to do?
I’m pretty sure it wasn’t that.
You best clean up your act
Or else I’m gonna kill everybody and thenyou’ll be bored.”
So Wisakedjak calls bullshit
and just goes right on doing what he was
doing
except like NINE TIMES HARDERRRR
he is running up to dudes like “HEY:405/494

HEYYYY:SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE?
HE KILLED YOUR DOG
HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS
MURDER HIM.
EAT THIS CYANIDE.
GO GO GO.”And he just keeps doing thisuntil the earth is literally saturated withblood
there is nowhere for all this blood to go
it’s pretty upsetting
so at this point the creator shows up again
like “THAT’S IT.
EVERYBODY DIES.”
So then everything floods, as usual
and the only things left alive
are Wisakedjak(even though he is almost the entire
problem)plus an otter, a beaver, and a muskrat.
No fish, apparently

406/494

which is something I always wonder about inthese flood myths.
Like, a flood seems like a really great way topunish every living creature in the worldexcept for fish.
What the hell is a god supposed to do when
all the FISH start being assholes?
Anyway, let’s just sidestep that plotholecompletely
and cut to Wisakedjak sitting in the waterwith his animal pals
crying and feeling sorry for himself
when all of a sudden he has an idea.
He’s like “DUDES:
I can’t create anything ’cause I spent all my
attribute points on being a dickbut I CAN infinitely expand anything thathas already been created.
So I need one of you guys to dive all the way
to the bottom of this waterand get me some dirt to expand.

407/494

HEY, CREATOR IT’S OKAY IF I DO THIS,RIGHT?”
And the creator is like “Sure you can make a
new world
as long as you use all the material I wasted
on the old world.
I don’t wanna have to go out and get a bunchof new dirt and whatnot.”Man
the Algonquin people have them one LAZY
creator.
So Wisakedjak is like “OTTERYOU’RE SO BRAVE
GO DO IT AND I’LL MAKE SURE YOU
ALWAYS HAVE FISH TO EAT”
so otter dives down
and comes back up with NO DIRT AT ALL
and he keeps trying until he is too weak todive anymore
and Wisakedjak is like “Wow, dude
I am pretty disappointed in you.
Okay, it’s beaver’s turn.

408/494

Beaver, if you bring me some dirt then I willbuild you a house”
so beaver divesand I’m pretty sure we all know how thatturns out
because it’s not like beavers live in five-star
hotels is it?
So finally Wisakedjak turns to the muskrat
and he’s like “All right, my man
I do not have high hopes for you.
In fact my hopes for you are practicallysubterranean.
But that may actually work in our favor inthis situation
so if you make it to the bottom I’ll give you
infinite roots to eat foreverplus rushes to make a house out ofand you’ll have, like, a billion babies.
Seriously.”
So muskrat divesand he comes up
and he has409/494

NO DIRTso he tries again
and he’s gone for a whileand he comes up real tired
and he still has no dirt
but here’s the important thing:He SMELLS like dirt.
So Wisakedjak is like “Dude, you are so
close.
Try one more time.”
So the muskrat dives down
and he’s gone for a LOOOONG timeand everyone is pretty sure he’s dead.
But then they see some bubbles
so they reach in and pull out the muskrat
who is pretty much deadbut he has just a little bit of dirt with him
which Wisakedjak turns into an islandand then they finally get to stop sitting in thewater.
So then in the following days Wisakedjak
finds some bones

410/494

and uses them to make animals
and he makes trees out of some woodand then the creator waits for him to finish
all this workand then he’s like “All right, dude.
I just decided you don’t get to have powers
anymore.
You just get the power to lie like amotherfucker.”
So Wisakedjak just uses that power as hard
as he can for ever and everstarting by failing to ever reward the muskrat
because at the end of the day what worse
punishment is there
than being a muskrat?
So the moral of the story
is practice holding your breath
it’s good for more than just weird sex stuff.

KILLER-OF-ENEMIES AND THE
INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF
VAGINAS
So this is one of those myths where I almost
don’t even need to retell it
I could just transcribe it word for word
and it would just end up looking likesomething I made up.
Watch:
So there’s this house full of vaginas, right?
Yup.
Just a big ol’ house stuffed full of vaginas.
They have actually got vaginas hanging on
the walls
thick as wall scrolls in an otaku’s cave.

412/494

My

friends, this is the quintessential
tunaparty
tacofestclambakecervical circus
this place is lousy with vaginas, is what I’msaying.
But the lousiest vaginas of all
are these four girls called the vagina girls.
They are actually just giant vaginas.
Giant, shape-shifting vaginas that look likegirls.
Oh, also
there are no vaginas anywhere else on earth
at this point.
This place is essentially the Fort Knox ofvaginaexcept the security team is actually just one
guy
or actually one monster, named Kicking
Monster

413/494

whose MO is to roll up on any poor jerk whoenters the vicinity
and kick him INTO THE HOUSE.
This is not how guards work usually
but heyno one who gets kicked into the house everleavesso Kicking Monster must be doing
something rightalthough I think that may have more to dowith the factthat this is a house filled with ALL OF THE
VAGINAS.
But even despite Kicking Monster
dudes are lining up around the block to takea crack at this vagina house
because let me reiterate
this is a house full of ALL THE VAGINAS
That would be like if someone took all thewell414/494

it would be like if someone took all the vaginas in the world and put them in one
house.
I don’t know how to make it any clearer thanthat.
So dudes keep mysteriously disappearing into this vagina house
until finally this one badass rolls up
named Killer-of-Enemies
Who is much more popular than his little
brother
Killer-of-Babies-and-Small-WoodlandCreaturesand Killer-of-Enemies takes it upon himself
to fix this vagina problem.
So he kicks Kicking Monster in the nuts andhe busts into the houseand here come the four beautiful vagina girls
like “OH MY GOD, TAKE US NOW.”
And Killer-of-Enemies is like “That is a
tempting offer
but first I gotta ask you ladies

415/494

what happened to all the dudes who got
kicked in here?”
And the vagina girls are like “Oh
we ate them with our vaginas
which are also our whole bodies
and are full of thousands of incredibly sharp
teeth like in a horror movie.
That’s kinda what we do.”
And Killer-of-Enemies is like “WHAT?
THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A VAGINA.
Look, ladies
I’m totally down for some frisky sexin’
but first you gotta take these drugs I broughtwith me.”
And the vagina girls are like “FREE DRUGS?
COUNT US IN.”
So Killer-of-Enemies feeds these girls sour
berrieswhich are actually just a ton of Rohypnol andecstasy
and also some kind of tooth-decaying
powder to remove their unpleasant vag teeth416/494

and the vagina girls are like “OH MY GOD
THIS SEX FEELS SO GOOD.”
And Killer-of-Enemies is like “Dang, girls I
ain’t even banged you yet.”
And then later he totally bangs themright in their domesticated vaginas
and I guess he probably distributes the loose
assorted vaginas amongst the people
and no one has to deal with unsightly vagina
teeth or women’s rights ever again.
So the moral of the storyis that people who live in vagina houses
should not get stoned.

RABBIT TAKES SUMMER FUN TO
THE NEXT LEVEL
Summer can be a dragbut what if you could solve summer
using VIOLENCE?
Well, my friends, it turns out you can
as long as you are a mythical rabbit with unlimited reserves of CHUTZPAH.
See, once upon a time the sun used to beeven more of a bastard than it is now.
It would take a flying leap off the horizon in
the morningand then spend the rest of the day doing
flaming kickflips of disaster off the clouds.
But one day Rabbit decides he has hadenough of this nonsense.

418/494

He is trying to get his chill on in the shade ofa shady oak tree
but the sun is just pretty much PRYING THE
SHADOWS STRAIGHT OFF HIM
and then BAKING CANCER INTO HIS
SKIN.
Anyway, Rabbit is not about to take gufffrom some puffed-up ball of superheatedgases
so he grabs his gun
and he starts walking.
Yes, of course I can repeat that:Rabbit grabs a GUN
and he starts walking east, to where the sun
lives
so that he can SHOOT THE SUN FOR
BEING TOO HOT.
So Rabbit is stomping his way to the horizon
and on the way, he practices
which yes, means exactly what you think itmeans.

419/494

It means this rabbit is stomping his way tothe horizon
shooting EVERYTHING.
Rocks
lizardsother rabbits.
Nothing can escape Rabbit’s sociopathic target practice.
But finally he gets to the horizon
and this is before sunrise, you understandso he’s sitting there waiting for the sun tocome up.
But the problem with crossing an entire
world while firing your gun constantly
is that it tends to sort of telegraph your future plansso the sun already knows what’s up
and it responds by rising REALLY FAST and
off to one sidewhich totally fakes Rabbit out
and by the time he gets a bead on the sun it
is already too far away to shoot.

420/494

But Rabbit is not gonna give up that easily.
This is a dude who is SERIOUS about taking
naps under trees.
So he sits there for DAYS
while the sun continues to fake his ass out.
Sometimes it rises to the leftsometimes to the rightsometimes it does barrel rolls and cartwheels
and all this time, Rabbit stays right there
WAITING for the sun to fuck up.
It is terrifying to me to imagine that the sun
is capable of EVER making mistakes
but that is exactly what it does.
Maybe it comes up a little too slow or in thewrong place
but whatever it is, Rabbit is ready for it
and he shoots it RIGHT IN THE FACE.
So hooray, right? The sun is wounded and wehave all learned a valuable lesson.
NOT SO FAST.
See, the thing about the sun—

421/494

and you would think that Rabbit might haveconsidered this—is that it is a giant ball of superheated hatredthat BLEEDS FIRE.
So while Rabbit is busy congratulating himself on his expert marksmanshipthe sun is busy bleeding a geyser of piping
hot apocalypse all over the world.
Now, Rabbit is not about to pull off thegreatest drive-by in history
just to get barbecued by a celestial bodyso he starts running for coverand the first cover he finds is a big tree
so he comes running up to the tree, like
“Quick! Tree! Hide me under yourbranches!”
And the tree is like “Dude, I am a tree.
I am made of wood.
Have you considered hiding under nonflammable things?”
So Rabbit keeps running, asking all the trees
to shelter him

422/494

and they keep saying no, because they aretrees.
But finally, Rabbit manages to con this bush
into sheltering him
and then the sun’s fire passes over themand all that happens to the bush is that theleaves turn kind of yellow foreverwhich isn’t that bad, all things considered.
But there are real consequences to thiscavalcade of tomfoolery.
For one thing, Rabbit is afflicted with a serious case of PTSD
which is why rabbits are total wusses
nowadays.
The sun survives the ordeal somehow
But it’s hard to do your job
when you’re worried someone is gonna shootyou every time you clock inwhich is why the sun rises really slowly andcautiously now
and also why it is so bright:

423/494

It is so that you cannot get a good bead on itwith a sniper rifle.
So the moral of the storyis that we don’t need to worry about global
warming
as long as we have guns.
The end.

THE MOON IS MADE OF MEAT
So there’s this place in Idaho or Montana orsomething, and it has no moon.
Everyone hates it , because how are they supposed to have sexy late-night disco
parties?
Electricity has not been invented yet, myfriends.
This is what was once known as BAD TIMESFOR DISCO.
So everyone gets together and they’re like
“Guys we need a MOON.
Then we can truly boogie
ALL NIGHT LONG
without someone tripping and putting his
face through a disco ball like LAST TIME.

425/494

I mean, whose bright idea was it to bring a
disco ball to a party WITHOUT ANY
LIGHTS?
But okay, let’s see . . . What do we have a lotof that we’re not using?
Oh, that’s right.
ANIMALS.”
So they call up all the animals, and they arelike “Okay here’s how it’s gonna be:
One of you is going to crawl up into the sky
and curl up into a ball and reflect sunlight at
us while we boogie
ALL NIGHT LONG.”
And Fox
who is dumb and eager to pleaseis like “OH MAN, GUYS I WILL BE THE
BEST MOON.”
So he runs up into the sky
and he curls himself up into a balland he starts reflecting the PANTS off thatsun

426/494

which is quite an achievement because I
didn’t know the sun wore pants.
But here’s the problem, my friends:
Fox is WAY TOO GOOD AT HIS JOB.
It’s like straight-up daylight all over theplace.
Everyone caught with their wangs out on thedance floor
totally embarrassed.
So everybody’s like “Sorry, Fox
but we need a little more mood lighting forthis sexy party we’re having.
Gonna need you to step down from the sky.”
And Fox is like “Aww, okay.”
And then Raven is like “OH SNAP NOW’S
MY CHANCE.
NOTHINGISSEXIER
THAN
BLACKLIGHT.”
So raven flies up there and balls himself up
but as everybody but Raven already knows
black is TERRIBLE for reflecting sunlight427/494

so pretty soon everyone is right back to putting various parts of their anatomy
through disco balls.
DID YOU KNOW: Disco balls are not actually in this story and I am just making
that part up.
Anyway,everybody
gets
their
shit
straightened out and cleans all the blood off
their faces and wangs
and then they’re like “Okay, Raven
I know we said we wanted someone to be lessgood at their job
but we did not mean for someone to come inand drive the failbus straight off a cliff.”
So Raven slinks back down to earth, allhumiliatedbecause at least Fox only got fired for being
too GOOD at his job
and it is at this point that Coyote decides tomake his move.
He shows up like “GUYS, LOOK AT ME.
MY FUR IS EXACTLY THE RIGHT COLOR.

428/494

THIS IS ONE JOB SITUATION
WHERE RACIAL PROFILING IS TOTALLY
OKAY.”And everyone is like “Well, we are uncomfortable with your rhetoric, but okay.”
So Coyote gets his ass up in the sky and curls
into a balland it’s perfect, it’s great.
Everyone is dancing up a storm
but not a literal storm.
(That would be bad and probably interrupt
the dancing.)
No, this is a figurative storm
composed of gyrating pelvii and windmilling
dangly bits.
It’s great. You would have loved it.
But then Coyote gets all bored’cause this dude has some serious ADD
so he starts using his privileged position up
in the sky
to get all up in everyone’s business.
He’s all peeping in the ladies’ windows

429/494

like “HEY, EVERYONE
SUSAN JUST INVENTED THE STARGROPE.
COME LOOK.”
And everyone comes and looks
except for Susan, who doesn’t come at all
because a screaming busybody moon is theultimate mood killer.
Coyote also uses his moon powers to keep
homeless guys from stealing food and tocheat at cards.
So everyone gets pissed off, and they decideto fire him.
But he’s like “HAHA, YOU CAN’T REALLY
FIRE ME.
I’M THE PERFECT COLOR.”
and everyone is like “Dudethere are pretty much a hojillion animals
with the same color fur as you.
Case in point: Rabbit
and Rabbit is not such a fucking spaz either.”so they send Rabbit up to be the moon430/494

and Rabbit ends up being pretty chill about
the whole thing
FOREVER.
And that is why Coyote is always howling at
the moon.
It’s because he just cannot get over that stuff
that happened that one time.

431/494432/494

So the moral of the storyis that we should seriously consider firing themoon
because I didn’t know we could do thatand I bet we have the technology now
to genetically engineer a WAY BETTER
MOON than some dumb rabbit.

UNITED STATESOF AMERICAN
So first, a quick disclaimer:
Throughout this section, I’m gonna be calling the United States of America“AMERICA”
and you are going to deal with thisbecause America is just flat out easier to typethan “The States”
or “The U.S. of A.”
or “That Big Basket of Jerks under Canada”
But second off, don’t you think it’s weirdthat of all the myriad ethnic groups we haveshoehorned together in this wide westernworld of ours
our predominant mythological tradition

435/494

is tied to a bunch of ancient dead dudes
whose religion no one even worships
anymore?
Now, I’m not denying Greek myths are supersweet
there is nothing better, if you want to watcha bunch of children boinking and killingeach other.
But I feel like it is my duty as an American
to raise awarenessofsome
goddamn
AMERICAN
MYTHOLOGY UP IN HERE.
But there’s a problem:
America is not very old, my friends.
We have not had time to develop a really
spectacular cast of magical jerks to talkabout.
Oh snap, wait a second.
I totally take that back.
We’ve got a whole pantheon of crazy dudes
to choose fromand they are called436/494

THE FOUNDING FATHERS
but I could write a whole other book about
those guys
and maybe someday I will
so for now, you’re gonna have to settle for awhirlwind tour
OF THE MYTHOLOGY WE’VE MADE SO
FAR.

THE CREATION MYTH . . . OF
AMERICA
Now, normally in these creation myths
we start out with a vast ocean
and then some guy comes along and puts
land in it.
America is no exception.
This time, the ocean is called the Atlantic
Ocean
and the guy is called Christopher Columbus.
The only difference is that Columbus doesn’t
MAKE the land
he just finds it, on his way to go findsomething else
because apparently some gods put it there along time ago and forgot to tell anyone
about it.

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There are also already people in this America
place
but that’s not a big deal because people arepretty easy to get rid of.
See also: the biblical flood.
Anyway, for the time being Christopher
Columbus names these people Indians
because that is the name of the people in theplace he was supposed to be looking forand he is still laboring under somemisapprehensions.
Time passes
and a bunch of Christopher Columbus’s
friends show up
a whole pantheon of legendary bastards
called the conquistadors
and they populate the land with themselves
while depopulating the land of everybody
else.
Then even MORE time passes and some other guys start showing up
from this place called the BRITISH EMPIRE

439/494

which sounds like it must be a pretty niceplace.
Like, the sun never sets there so it’s basicallyan eternal beach party all the time
but with more fog.
But even so tons of dudes keep getting onboats and leavingand sailing across a WHOLE OCEAN
to get to this hip new America place everyone
is talking aboutbecause Britain is nice and everything
but it is totally played out.
Amongst the British dudes who show up
are a bunch of people who are practicing thiscrazy souped-up version of Christianity.
In this scenario, they will be our CHOSENPEOPLE.
They meet all the requirements:(1) They are the dudes who ultimately get thepromised landand (2) They get the promised land by killinga WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

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Yeah, basically what happens is that they’rehanging out in America for a while
when suddenly, the king of England(who is named George)
starts being a TOTAL DICK.
He’s like “I PUT ALL YOU PEOPLE IN THIS
NEW LAND.
NOW YOU HAVE TO PAY TRIBUTE TO
ME.”
But all the American dudes are like “Noway!”
And then instead of killing them with amassive flood
like a REAL divine emperor would haveKing George tries to kill them with an armyof really flashily dressed guys.
But as we have already established guys are
REALLY easy to kill
and they are even easier to kill when they arecovered in bright red dress-coatsso the Americans just get a whole bunch ofguns and shoot at England until it goes away

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and then they shoot at the conquistadors until they go away too.
Then they shoot at the natives
and then when they run out of natives theyshoot at each other.
Then they’ve still got a lot of bullets left overso they have to keep finding more people toshoot.
Also, I think someone writes a constitution?
Anyway, that’s where America comes from.
So the moral of the storyis that the primary ingredient for a successful nation
is guns.

JOHN HENRY WAS ASTEEL-DRIVIN’ MAN
I SAID, JOHN HENRY WAS A STEELDRIVIN’ MAN.
Do you guys know what that means?
That means that he was a dude who worked
on a railroad
and his job
was to KILL MOUNTAINS.
Now, the way he did thiswas that some poor sonofabitch named Little
Bill
would hold a steel drill in place against therockwhile John Henry BEAT ON IT AS HARD AS
HE COULD

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WITH A TWENTY-POUND HAMMER
and Bill had to keep turning the drill after
every strikeand eventually the drill would get dull
so he had to swap it out
for another drillthat someone would hopefully hand to him
at about that time
WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT
and then they would bring the old drill to a
blacksmith
so the blacksmith could fix it
and then bring it back to Bill so he could
switch it out AGAIN
and meanwhile John Henry’s hammer is justwhistling right past Bill’s junkor face, or ribs, or wherever he has to holdthe drillin order to make sure the rock is getting brutalized in the right direction.
Meanwhile, John Henry has it easy.

444/494

All HE has to do is heft a TWENTY-POUNDHAMMERover and over again
with perfect accuracy
all day
through solid rocknever stopping, never getting tired
under constant threat of rockslides anddisfigurement.
So this is this guy’s job.
Now John Henry works for a pack of rat bastards called the C&O Railroad Company.
I know they are rat bastards because one day
John Henry’s railroad teamrolls up on this big, big mountainand the railroad crew is all like “Oh wow,
bummer.
Guess we better start going around thismountain, huh?”
And aforementioned rat bastards from C&O
are like “NOPE.

445/494

GOIN’
STRAIGHT
THROUGHTHE
MOUNTAIN.
IT IS ONLY LIKE A MILE AND A HALF
THICK.
YOU GUYS LIKE HAVING JOBS, RIGHT?
SO DO IT.”So they do it
most of these guys are freed slaves
so they don’t exactly have their pick of thecrop as far as employment opportunities go.
This goes double for John Henry
who is not only a freed slave
but also an UNSTOPPABLE BADASS WHO
NEVER QUITS.
So every day all the steel drivers go to workand they fling themselves mercilessly at thismountainand like twenty people die
but John Henry just keeps abusing thatstonemaking a solid ten-foot tunnel every day, at
LEAST.

446/494

So, you know, great for him
but all his friends are still deadand the dicks at C&O are getting impatient
so when this traveling salesman shows up
with a steam-powered drill machine
they are like “SIGN US UP.
P.S.: Everyone who works for us is fired now.
ESPECIALLY JOHN HENRY.”
Now John Henry is the kind of man who
takes absolutely no guff from anybody.
It is unreal how little guff this man takes.
Like, if there were a great big pile of guff by
the side of the roadand John Henry walked bythat pile would remain completely
undisturbed
because he would take none of it.
So when he sees this guff coming his way hejust sidesteps the lot of it
and then he turns around like “Hey, traveling salesman447/494

I bet I can drill harder, better, faster, ANDstronger than your candyassed machine.”
And the traveling salesman is like “YOU’RE
ON.”
So the next day John Henry lines up next tothis machine
along with his trusty shaker Little Billand TWO twenty-pound hammers
and they get. to. work.
So John and the drill are staying pretty muchneck and neckeven though the drill doesn’t have a neck.
Maybe the drill is even doing a little betterbut then it gets STUCK in a hole in the rockand John Henry just goes grunting and flailing and sweating
FOURTEEN FEET INTO THE HEART OF
THAT MOUNTAIN.
BAM CLINK CACHANG POW BOOM PEW
PEW PEW.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT SOUND A
HAMMER MAKES.

448/494

So, final score:
Newfangled steam drill: nine feet.
One man armed with nothing but sweat andhammers: fourteen feet.
Oh wait.
Did I forget to mention
that since John Henry is using two hammers,
he drilled TWO HOLES
while the steam drill only made ONE??
So really, the score was nine to TWENTYEIGHT.
Yeah.
But there’s some bad news too.
See, as soon as he finds out his score
John Henry puts down his hammers anddiesbecause he just hammered that rock so hard
he gave himself a stroke.
It doesn’t say in the balladbut I like to think that his last words weresomething like“. . . Damn right.”

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Anyway, then he’s deadso I think they end up using the steam drill
anywayalthough they have to cancel work for like a
weekbecause everyone is convinced that John
Henry’s ghost lives in the tunnel
also later on it turns out that the tunnel isnotoriously unstablebecause it is a bad idea to use contests toconstruct structurally delicate railway
tunnels.
But none of that matters
because the real hero of this story
is Little Bill
who held two drills
right next to all the tenderest parts of his
bodyagainst a solid stone wall
while an absurdly muscular dude repeatedly
charged toward him
flailing two twenty-pound hammers.

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And he kept holding those drills
and turning themand shaking out the stone debris
and switching out the drills when they got
dull
FOR THIRTY-FIVE MINUTESAND TWENTY-EIGHT FEET
and he didn’t have a strokeor even poop himself a little.
So let’s hear it for Little Billthe real American hero.

PAUL BUNYAN WAS A
LOG-DRIVIN’ MAN
We all know that lumberjacks are badasses.
But have you ever stopped to wonder how weknow that?
I’LL TELL YOU HOW.
PAUL BUNYAN IS HOW.
Because that dude
was big.
HOW BIG WAS HE?
He was SO BIG
that it took three storks to deliver him to his
parents.
He was SO BIG
that when he was old enough to laugh andclap his hands

452/494

he DESTROYED HIS HOUSE.
He was SO BIG
that one time he dragged his ax behind him
when he was walking
and made the Grand Canyon.
This guy was BIG.
But all of that is baby stuff, compared withthe time he tamed the Whistling River.
So the Whistling Riveris a river that has somehow come into possession of some rudimentary intelligence
and a WHOLE LOT OF GUFF which it hands
out to all comers
because as you may have noticed
guff is America’s chief natural resource.
See, this river likes to rear up at random
times throughout the day
and let out a piercing whistle that annoys thecrap out of everyone for MILESAROUND.
This river is also a total dick.
It breaks up log rafts

453/494

it drowns loggers
it does everything a river is not supposed to
do and laughs about itor whistles about it, I guess.
But then the river makes a crucial mistakebecause one day Paul Bunyan is sitting by
the river, eating some flapjacks
when the river rears up
and chucks FOUR HUNDRED AND
NINETEEN GALLONS OF MUDDY
WATER
INTO HIS BEARD.
Now I’m sure I don’t have to tell youthat a lumberjack’s beard is NOT TO BE
TRIFLED WITH
but Paul Bunyan gives the river a pass.
He just goes back to his pancakes and figures
the river will behave itself.
But that river rears up
and chucks FIVE THOUSAND AND
NINETEEN MORE GALLONS

454/494

AND SOME TURTLES AND SOME FISH
AND SOME MUSKRATDIRECTLYINTO
PAUL
BUNYAN’S
ALREADY SOAKING WET BEARD
plus his flapjacks are pretty wet.
This is the kind of thing any self-respecting
lumberjack cannot ignore.
So what does Paul Bunyan do?
Does he get up and move someplace where
the river can’t soak him?
NO.
Instead, he decides to TAME the river.
But how?
Well, Paul Bunyan settles down to do someserious thinking
and the way lumberjacks thinkis they sit down and they eat popcorn
for DAYS.
Paul Bunyan eats so much popcornthat after a week, the ground is covered witheighteen inches of popcorn scraps

455/494

for THREE MILES AROUND
and animals that wander into the area immediately think it is winterand freeze to death before they have a chanceto actually think about what they are
doing.
Anyway, finally Paul Bunyan leaps up like“AHA!
I bet if I took all the bends out of the river it
would straighten up and fly right.
So I’ll just tie it to Babe, my massive blue ox
and she’ll tow it straight.
Oh wait, it’s made of water.
How am I going to attach my ox to it?
HMM.”
So Paul Bunyan and his ox go to the North
Poleand he makes a box trap baited with icicles
and then goes and plays fetch with Babe for awhile using GLACIERS
but he has to stop because he floods Florida.

456/494

Then he goes back to check on his trap
and finds that he has caught SIX
BLIZZARDS.
Man, I wish I had a box big enough to catchsix blizzards.
I’d open up a blizzard standand no one would buy any
BECAUSE BLIZZARDS ARE A THING
THAT NOBODY WANTS.
But Paul Bunyan doesn’t see it that way.
He grabs two of those blizzards and he takes
them back to his logging campand has his friend Ole—
who is not a lumberjacking matador but
rather a big Swede—
make two huge logging chains to attach tothe blizzards.
Then he goes to the river and jams the blizzards into it
which freezes it FOR SEVENTEEN MILES
then he hooks the river up to Babeand it is GO TIME.

457/494

But that river is TOOOO ornery
it won’t budge
even though Babe pulls those chains into solid iron bars
and digs ruts into the solid rock she is running on.
But that’s when Paul Bunyan just cutsstraight through the bullshit
by grabbing the chains and pulling them so
hardthat he and Babe drag the river free of its
banks and through the prairie.
When finally they stop running and turnaroundthey see that the river has become TOTALLYSTRAIGHT
but it is also somehow much shorter
because all the elbow joints that made thebends are now scattered across the prairie.
So Paul Bunyan packs up all the extra bends
and uses them later, when he needs to float
logs in the middle of the desert

458/494

even though that’s not how that works andthere aren’t even any logs in the desert
because you get to ignore physics as long as
you are really, really big.
Anyway, then the river refuses to whistle
because it has basically just undergone theriver equivalent of traumatic castrationand strangely enough, this makes everyone
really pissed off at Paul Bunyan
because it turns out that everyone was using
the river as an alarm clock
and they need to wake up earlybecause trees are easier to cut down when
you catch them snoozing.
But luckily this dude comes along named
Squeaky Swanson
who has a speaking voice that is never above
a whisper
but a shriek that can physically LIFT THE
BLANKETS off of everyone in camp.
So every day, Squeaky Swanson wakes up at
the crack of dawn

459/494

and shrieks everyone awake
thus solving every problem forever.
So once again
the real hero of the story is not Paul Bunyan
who actually ruined the whistling riverand broke physics
and littered a lot of popcorn scraps all overand flooded Florida
but rather an unassuming man
with some kind of weird voice problem.
So God bless America
home of the little guy
as long as the little guy can yell really loud.

PECOS BILL WAS ACATTLE-DRIVIN’ MAN
All right, my friends.
It is time for you to hear about a man whose
ass is SO BAD
other asses cower at the mere mention of it.
The owner of this ass is named PECOS BILL.
But Pecos Bill was not always named that.
For a while he was just named Bill.
This dude was not alive more than, say, ten
seconds
before he started chewing knives and riding
horsesand then crawling out of his mom’s wagon
when she wasn’t looking
and wrestling BEAR CUBS

461/494

and WINNING.
But as if that wasn’t enoughthe way Pecos Bill gets the Pecos part of his
nameis that one day his family is crossing the Pecos Riverand Bill falls out of the wagon into the waterprobably because he was trying to bust out
and wrestle bears at the wrong timeand his family is like “DAMMIT.
HE WAS GONNA BE SUCH A BADASS.”
And then his mom dies of being sad.
But it’s okay, guys
because Pecos Bill gets fished out of the river
BY COYOTES.
THAT IS A REASSURING THING TO HAVEHAPPEN, RIGHT??
Actually, yesbecause in this case, the coyotes make theincredibly un-coyote-like decision462/494

to raise this delicious human baby as one of
their own for fifteen years.
Yeah, that’s right. He’s one of THOSE kids.
But then after fifteen years, Pecos Bill isdrinking from the river that bears his namewhen his brother comes along
punching cattle, like people do in Texas.
(I think punching cattle is an expression
meaning to herd cattle or something
but I really prefer to imagine
that Pecos Bill’s brother is just SOCKINGCOWS IN THE FOREHEAD
ALL ACROSS THE PRAIRIE.)
Anyway, he sees Pecos Bill squatting by theriver
and he’s like “HEY
Aren’t you my long lost brother?”and Pecos Bill is like “NO.
I AM A COYOTE.
AWOOOO.”And his brother is like “Bullshit.
If you are a coyote, then where’s your tail?”463/494

And Pecos Bill is like “Hmm, tough question.
Well, I definitely have fleas, AND I howl at
the moon.”
And his brother is like “SonEVERYONE in Texas has fleas and howls at
the moon.
Also, you clearly speak English and walk on
two legs
both of which are suspiciously un-coyote-likeeven in Texas.
Now cut the bullshit
put on this hat
and come be a cowboy like me.”And Pecos Bill is like “Okay, you talked me
into it.”
So he becomes the best cowboy ever.
He invents branding cattle
and also sitting on cattle until they behave
and also the lasso
and his brother is like “Not badfor some crazy asshole who thought he was acoyote for fifteen years.

464/494

Keep practicing, kid. Some day you’ll be agreat cowboy.”
And he turns out to be TOTALLY RIGHT.
Which just goes to reinforce the point I’ve
been making
which is that Pecos Bill is clearly not the heroof this story(just like Paul Bunyan was not the hero of his
story
and John Henry was not the hero of HIS
story)
because without his brotherPecos Bill would have farted around thatriver with a pack of rabid coyotes
until some poacher found this naked dirtstreaked thingfucking a she-coyote in the underbrushand put an end to his special crazytime.
See, this is what the United States of America is all about.
You can wrestle a thousand bears

465/494

and chew on a billion knives
but in the end, you are only as goodas the dude who stops you from dying of agunshot while fucking a coyote.

DAVY CROCKETT TALKS A BIG
GAME
DAVY
DAAAAVY CROCKETTHE’S GOT A DONG THAT’S EIGHT MILESLONGHE KILLED LIKE A MIIIILLION BEARSAND HE’S SUCH A BIG PIMP THAT HE
GOT HIS OWN SONG.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen
you are about to hear about the rootinest,
tootinest
alligator-shootinest son of a gun
ever to be a United States Congressman?
Yep, I’m talking about Davy Crockett,apparently.

467/494

It’s okay, I didn’t know he was a congressman either
but I guess it’s not particularly surprising
given our history, re: guns.
We’ll get to the politics part later, though.
Right now, let’s talk about this guy’s
childhood.
So first of all, it is a well-established, canonical factthat Davy Crockett killed his first bear when
he was THREE YEARS OLD.
Then they tried to put him in school
but he ran away
because he was afraid that he might mistakehis fellow students for bears
and then MURDER THEM.
Just kidding
Davy Crockett was never afraid of anything
he just had trouble fitting his massive balls
through the schoolhouse door.

468/494

Anyway, his dad gets pretty mad at him afterthatmainly because he’s jealous of his son’s
megaballs
so Davy Crockett runs away and kills morebears
maybe he gets raised by wolves
or maybe he raises some wolves himself andthat is why wolves are so hard-core now
but either way he eventually comes backhomejust in time to handle his dad’s shit for him
because his dad sucks at business.
Then he runs for Congress and WINS(on his second try).
He remains a congressman for several terms,
on and off
during which time he does nothing but makethreats and animal noises.
Seriously, here’s a quote:“Who-Who-Whoop—Bow-Wow-WowYough.”469/494

This is the kind of stunning oratory Davy
Crockett’s constituents come to expect.
And eventually people get tired of this, andDavy fails to get reelected
so he tells everyone to go to hell
(including his wife and kids)
and then HE goes to the next best place:
Texas.
Now at this time, Texas was kind of a fiasco.
It was this great big swath of furious gunfire
trying real hard to be its own country
and Mexico was making this real hard by
supplying a large amount of the gunfire.
Remember I told you about the gunfire
before?
Yeah, this is one of the places where the gunfire is happening.
So Davy Crockett shows up with thirty wellarmed bad boys ready to take on theworld
or at least Mexico, which is really what theyneed in Texas at that moment470/494

and he makes some speeches to his adoring
publiclike about how he can “walk like an ox
run like a fox
swim like an eel
yell like an Indianfight like a devil
spout like a geyser
make love like a mad bulland swallow a Mexican whole withoutchoking
if you butter his head and pin his ears back.”
Wait, never mind. That’s just another one ofhis speeches from Congress.
Speeches or no speeches, it’s not too long before Davy Crockett ends up at the
ALAMO
and we all know what happens at the Alamo,
don’t we?
Wait, you don’t?
Are you telling me YOU DON’T REMEMBER
THE ALAMO?

471/494

Well basically, there’s this bad, bad dudecalled General Santa Ana
and he is romping and stomping his way
from Mexico into Texas
to make Texas into Mexicoand right smack-dab in the path of Santa
Ana’s army is this old church called the
Alamo
which has been turned into a fortress andfilled with Texan dudes.
The Texan dudes aren’t doing too well,though because there aren’t that many ofthem
so Davy Crockett sees this as a perfectopportunity
to back up some of that ridiculous game he’s
been talking
and he brings his thirty guys to the Alamo
and they put up a good fight but they still all
get killed
including Davy Crockett, who dies surrounded by SIXTEEN DEAD MEXICANS

472/494

only one of which he appears to have stabbed
so I imagine he just stared all those otherdudes down.
Then Santa Ana’s troops keep on marching
but they are so demoralized by having removed such a legit badass from the worldthat they are pretty easy to kill after that.
Later, Disney makes a movie out of Davy
Crockett’s life!
So the moral of the story
is by all means, talk the talkbut think twice before you walk the walkbecause you might get shot.

THIS IS WHAT TOM CRUISE
BELIEVES IN
So there’s this guy Xenu, right? He is thisseriously bad dude
who also happens to be the emperor of a
MASSIVE GALACTIC EMPIRE.
The empire is made up of like twenty-six
stars and seventy-six planets
one of which is Earthexcept we can’t call it Earth because that
doesn’t sound dumb enough.
No
let’s call it Teegeeack.
So this galactic civilization is pretty much
like Earth from the ’50s and ’60s
in fact, it is basically exactly the same.

474/494

Everyone wears the same clothes and they
have cars and buses and stuff.
Not a very advanced galactic civilization,
actually.
BUT WAIT:
Xenu is about to get deposed
for being a seriously bad dude all the time
but then he realizes
that if he just kills all the dudes who want todepose him, he can’t get deposed!
Here is the problem with that plan, though:
EVERYONE WANTS TO DEPOSE XENU.
So he’s like “Well, I guess I’d better killeveryone.
But I’m going to need some help.
HEY, PSYCHIATRISTS?
I need you to trick all these people
or rather, all these THETANS(because that is what these guys are called)
into showing up to my place for a tax audit orsomething.”

475/494

And the psychiatrists are like “We have noproblem with this, because we are evil.”
So all the Thetans show up to get their taxes
audited . . .
Actually, hold on.
Why is itthat everyone in the galaxy shows up
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT?
Especially if we are postulating that theseguys have the technology of the 1950s
which did not include faster-than-light travel
as far as I can tellso people are traveling HUNDREDS OF
YEARSin their shitty, explosion-prone spacecraft
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT.
Now if it had been a free-puppies-andcotton-candy audit, maybe I could see
this working
but if you want to depose a guy
and then he is suddenly like “HEY HOW’BOUT THOSE INCOME TAXES.”

476/494

Your response should not be “RIGHT AWAY,
SIR, CAN I CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS
WELL?”
Where were we?
Oh yeah.
As might be expected, this whole thing turns
out really badly for the Thetans.
I mean, as soon as they show up
Xenu freezes them in alcohol and takes theirsouls
and then he puts them in some spaceships
and takes them to Earthwait, wait, no . . . sorry . . .
TEEGEEACK
and he stacks them around active volcanoes.
But active volcanoes are not naturally dangerous enough for Xenu.
so he drops HYDROGEN BOMBS in all of
the volcanoes
vaporizing all these Thetans but . . . keeping
their souls intact?

477/494

Then Xenu forces all these Thetan souls intoa massive 3-D movie theater
where they watch a thirty-six-hour movie encompassing all future religious symbolism.
And where is this movie theater locatedexactly?
Hawaii.
OBVIOUSLY.
Only a true evil mastermind would stage amassive campaign of subliminal mind
torturein the future birthplace of PRESIDENTBARACK OBAMA.
All right, you with me so far?
Good.
So when the Thetans get let out of the movie
theater they are so crazy disoriented
that they just start grab-assing at any bodythey can findturning perfectly functional human beings
into worthless sadness engines bent on selfdestruction

478/494

and THAT’S why we all suck so bad, see?
It is because a supervillain put bombs in volcanoes and then evil spirits laid eggs in our
minds.
This is an actual religion, guys
made up by an actual dude.
His name is L. Ron Hubbard and he is actually a science-fiction writerand he calls this religion SCIENTOLOGY
and this religion makes something like five
hundred million dollars a year.
But the worst part is that if you try and learn
all this stuff
without first preparing yourself to learn it by
paying a lot of money again and again
the shock will be so great that you will get
pneumonia.
So the moral is
don’t read this myth unless you want to get
pneumonia.

CONCLUSION
The Prevailing Creation Myth
Here’s one more to go out on:
So back in the back in the back in the back inthe back in the day
there was this tiiiiny ball of all the matter inthe universe, and that’s ALL there was.
But don’t be fooled by its size, my friends.
This matter
was DENSE.
Denser than the beats issuing from the mostlegitimate of subwoofers.
Denser than the skull of world headbutt
champion Maxx “The Russian Concussion” Headbutts
Denser than the cream of a coconut banana
cream pie

480/494

on the face of a clown who is going for theworld record for most pies to the face.
This matter was DENSE.
Where did it come from?
Who knows!
That’s not important right now.
What’s important is that at some point
all this matter gets REALLY sick of hanging
out with the same matter all the time
so it does what matter does best
or at least, most awesomely:
IT EXPLOOOODES.
Now, friends
I have seen some explosions in my life.
All of them were sweet.
Some of them I might even call DOUBLESWEET
but nothing can top an explosion SO
INTENSE
that it is still going on ALMOST FOURTEENBILLION YEARS LATER.

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That is why, to this day, if you look through atelescope
you are going to see the rest of the universe
hauling ass away from you.
Anyway, lemme backtrack a little.
So after exploding as hard as it can for a reallong time
all the matter turns into particles called electrons, protons, and neutrons
and all these particles get a little lonely andstart looking for other particles to hook up
with.
And when they get together
they pull some Voltron shit and turn into
ELEMENTS
like hydrogen and helium and stuff.
Then all the hydrogen gets together and islike “HeyI know we were all just exploding as hard as
possible a minute ago
but you know what would be cool?
If we exploded EVEN HARDER.”

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So they turn into STARS
and then their explosions produce a bunch ofother elements, which form big clouds
around themand then those clouds get hit by MORE
explosions
from when other stars became TOO
EXTREMEand they start spinning so fastthat the elements get all frisky with each other and turn into less explode-y balls of stuff
like planets, mainly
and one of those planets is EARTH.
But Earth was not always sweet beachparties and rock-and-roll music, myfriends.
No, Earth used to be 100 percent MAGMA
with volcanoes going off ALL THE TIME
AND THEN AN ASTEROID SLAMS INTO IT
AND RIPS A BIG CHUNK OF IT OFF INTOSPACEAND THAT is where the moon comes from.

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But then Earth gets older and chills out alittleand forms an atmosphere out of steam andvolcano spit
and it gets a bunch of water by being constantly bombarded by GIANT BALLS OF
ICE
and for some reason, all of this adds up to
make it a hospitable place for things to live.
So little things start living there
they come from space, or from Earth depending on who you ask.
They mainly start out in the big water parts(which cover most of everything
just like in the Native American creation
myths
and the Egyptian creation mythand that part in the Bible where God getsreal pissed)
And these little things learn this really neattrick

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which is how to make more of themselves using CHEMICAL REACTIONS
except . . . chemical reactions aren’t always
accurateso sometimes they make really gross,messed-up versions of themselves
and sometimes they make PROTOZOIC
SUPERHEROES.
So the messed-up versions die and the superheroes get to make more superheroes
and eventually someone figures out how tohave legs
and then they get curious about this wholeland thing and they crawl onto it
and then there are DINOSAURS, but theydieand then later, people!
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking:You’re probably thinking “Wait a second,
this isn’t a myth.
This is science!”
Well, yes and no.

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See, thisis a story
and like most stories, the most important
thing isn’t whether it’s true or not
the most important thing is whether it gives
us a satisfying explanation of what we see inthe worldand maybe some rudimentary means of predicting what will happen next.
That’s all any of these myths have been trying to do:
to take a huge, terrifying phenomenon
something you can only stare at and go“whoa”and turn it into something more our size
something we can fit inside our puny brains.
Something really cool, even:a story.
Me, I don’t see much of a difference between
Science and Religion.
First off, in order to successfully apply
science486/494

there are always going to be certain things
that you’re taking on faith
like that the universe behaves rationally orthat the accumulation of knowledge is a goodthing.
Without those assumptions you end up likethat Descartes dudeunable to prove anything except that you exist which is just boring.
And I mean, the first natural philosophers(the Greek dudes who are widely creditedwith getting the whole science thingrolling)
were offering theories that sounded a lot likemyths.
“The world is a bunch of islands floating onwater!”“We live on the back of a space turtle, inspace!”
And those explanations were discarded as
more satisfying ones came along487/494

just like how no one really worships Zeus
anymorebecause they’ve found gods more compellingthan a big adulterer who shoots lightning.
Some people say that it’s that willingness toreject discredited views
that willingness to changethat makes science different from religion.
I’d say that that willingness to change is justa tenet of the religion of science.
Hell, voodoo’s gone through an awful lot ofchanges too
and a Taoist monk systematically unlearns
his world knowledge
as fast as any scientist can learn it.
Now, I’m not trying to undermine the importance of science
personally, I’m all about it.
And I’m not saying I think Creationism andEvolution should be taught side by side inschools.

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Largely because Creation Science is taught as
an aggressive argument against evolution
as opposed to something that stands on its
own.
Plus it misuses a lot of the methodology ofscience in a very misleading way
without accepting most of the founding
principles
which would be a lot like coming up with abasic theory of Christianity
based on the assumption that God doesn’t
exist and that anyone who thinks he does is
an asshole.
No, see what I’m trying to say is that I watch
people organizing themselves
into these neat little conflicts:
Atheists versus Christians
Jews versus Muslims
Fundamentalists versus basically everybody
and I feel like a kid in a broken home who
can’t get Mom and Dad to stop fighting.

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The assumption that every one of thesegroups is making—and I think it’s important to acknowledge
that every group, from scientist to Sikh, assumes this—is that they are right. That they
are somehow behaving rationally.
But the fact that we can get so angry about
this stuff means that it’s not rationaland I think we could get a hell of a lot further
by synthesizing these beliefs
than by finding more and more nuanced
ways to call each other dicks.
So I guess the moral of the storyis that all you religious people need to stop
hating on the scientists, and vice versa
because at the end of the day, we are allunitedby our desire for sweet explosions.

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THE END.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Cory O’Brien (aka Ovid Naso)
is a dude who likes myths a whole lot.
When he’s not writing them in books
he is usually yelling them at people in bars
or posting them on his website bettermyths.com.
He grew up on top of a hill in Los Angeles,
California
where there are basically no myths at all
but where one time a guy got shot in the leg
outside his friend’s houseand broke in to use the telephone.
Now he lives in Chicago, Illinois where it ismuch colder
but on the other hand no injured people havebroken into his house. Yet.

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He is currently doing an MFA in writing at
the School of the Art Institute of Chicago
not that it shows.
Also, birds really freak him out.
They’re like tiny, winged sociopaths.
Seriously, have you ever looked at those
things?

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