Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress
CSTS | Department of Psychiatry | Uniformed Services University | 4301 Jones Bridge Road, Bethesda, MD 20814-4799 | www.CSTSonline.org

Helping People After a Loss
Throughout our lifetime, many
will drop everything and arrive atof us will experience loss or trauma,
the moment of crisis. Builders are
Reaching out and showing up throughor at least know someone that does.
there for years and years, walking
phone calls, letters, and personal visits
Our own personal experiences,alongside as those affected live out
demonstrates care and concern, something
uncertainty, and fear can leave
their lives in the world. People whous feeling unprepared or hesitant
are trying to assist may feel drawnthat is often deeply appreciated by those
to respond or interact with thoseto one of those two roles; offeringexperiencing grief.
who have experienced a loss. The
both can be very helpful.
personal experiences of those who
Don’t Try to Make Sense of
have experienced loss offer valuable
What Happened. Comments likeinsights. Below are some suggestions for how to practice“It’s all for the best”, “There must be a reason this happened”“The Art of Presence” when someone you know has beenor other explanations can be experienced as hurtful.
impacted by loss or a traumatic event.
Achievement-oriented cultures are often focused on solving
Do Be There. Sometimes we assume that people needproblems or repairing brokenness. Sitting quietly withspace or time to “sort things out” after a loss or trauma.
someone who is suffering through pain and uncomfortable
It can also feel scary to approach people who are hurting
feelings grants them the dignity of their own process andand we may feel busy with our own lives. Reaching out andaffords them the respect of ultimately determining theshowing up through phone calls, letters, and personal visits
meaning.
demonstrates care and concern, something that is often
In addition to the suggestions above, the basic principles
deeply appreciated by those experiencing grief.
of Psychological First Aid can provide additional help
Don’t Compare. Avoid say things like “I understandin guiding our interactions. These principles create andwhat it’s like to lose a child. My dog died, and that was hardsustain an environment of (1) safety, (2) calming,
too.” Comparisons take the focus off the individual that(3) connectedness to others, (4) self-empowerment, andis hurting and put it onto you. They are often perceived(5) hopefulness. When our words and actions foster theseas careless or false and those coping with loss will rarely
things, it helps those dealing with loss or trauma to feel
experience comparisons as helpful.
supported and assists them in dealing with a difficult
Do Bring Soup. Non-verbal expressions of care can besituation.
very healing. Bringing food or other essentials, particularly
if you observe a specific need the person may have, can beAdapted from an article by David Brooks in the New York
helpful and perceived as caring.
Times on January, 20th 2014.
Don’t Say “You’ll Get Over It.” Most people that havehttps://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooksexperienced trauma or loss indicate there is no such thing
the-art-of-presence.html
as ‘getting over it’. For those impacted, a major disruption
often creates a new concept of what is normal in their lives
Resourcewith no real going ‘back to the old me’.
Psychological First Aid
Do Be a Builder. People who have dealt with loss might
https://www.cstsonline.org/resources/resource-masterdistinguish between firefighters and builders. Firefighters
list/psychological-first-aid

Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress
Department of Psychiatry
Uniformed Services University
4301 Jones Bridge Road, Bethesda, MD 20814-4799
www.CSTSonline.org