This document is a supplemental document for the videogame Last Call, by Nina Freeman andJake Jefferies. This poem was written for the game. In the game, each stanza appears on aseparate sheet of paper, found in the below order. Each sheet of paper is contained in a box ofthings you are packing up for a move. Additionally, the game progresses by responding verballyto each stanza from a list of phrases such as "I believe you", "I hear you", "Tell me more" andothers.
This document is intended for people who would like to read the poem outside of the gamespace.
The game can be downloaded for free here. Credits and content warnings are also available:
http://ninasays.so/lastcall/

Last Callby Nina Freeman

1
i could barely see his face when we met in a dark, loud bar
friends of friends, we were introduced
not a care in the world, just small talki drank a $6 glass of red wine and tried to hear what he said,
but the music mostly drowned him out, not that i caredhe was cuteand looking at his phone almost the whole time,
which annoys me to shit now
why didn't i notice it then?
he didn't even carebut i followed him outside anyways
maybe only one cigarette later and i was in love1

2
i downloaded line just to chat with him andwe decided to meet up again
at another bar, this one with an arcade and an infernal woman
painted on the wall, tits out, geniuinely lovely
presiding over us, we made more small talk,something about intramural volleyball and pokemon go,
he looked me in the eyes and said
"since both of us have had trouble finding friends heremaybe we can be each others friends"
and i think: "yes, and then maybe we can fuck"
i was quarter feeding, eyes locked to his like my life depended on itleft my credit card at the bar when we left and forgot it
crush is a weak word for a powerful drug

3i was so desparate to visit him
i'd sit on his fucking couch while
he played a game and ignored me
i was happy just being nearby, i didn't want to beannoying and take up all his free time
i apologized constantly for wanting to see him, buthe said not to worry about it

2he wanted to see me

i went home and took too many selfies, justto find the perfect one for him
i sent one and he sent one back,full of that special low-light iphone camera noise
and i rushed back to his place because i needed to be thereon his mattress on the floor

CUT ITi wish i had a photo of us lying there together
so i could burn it into a disgusting heap
like later when i tried to trash that same nasty mattressunder the burnside bridge
the skaters there said they could burn it for meand i should have let them
CUT IT

4
we were out on a nice, normal datesat down at a table with little folded napkins and a breadbasket
they gaves us our cocktails and to my disbelief
he fingered me under the table!
i thought, this must be normal, i've seen it in porn3

love should be full of surprises
and i was sick of disney romance anyways
what is romance without the horror of humiliation?
we got up to leave andi thought about all of that for like one secondand paid the tab

5soon enough, i left the normal apartment where mylast relationship unceremoniously ended-got carried away by the feelings of a fresh start,
shoved all my shit into literal trash bags and dragged themdown the block mostly (i hate driving)laid down on the carpet of this new place and hoped
he'd lay there with me someday

we kissed in the rain a week laterand then he moved in,simple as that6
we went on like that for a while,sucking each others faces around various public firepits,

4having a lot of sex without thinking
related enough over childhood trauma to get closer
felt like we grew up similarly troubled, similarly accomplishedyes! i thought, horny and troubled, exactly what i am
and what i need!

he said i love you7
he said i love you
he said it, he said it!
i said itof course i said it
again and again like i stood between two mirrors
facing each other8
he left his job with big dreams and a fresh haircut
no plans to pay rent
he said i was hot again and again
and he said i love you!
he said it!
god i was happy59our romance had highs and lows thatleft me breathless and addicted
i wanted to make him happy
i paid for his cigarettes
i asked him to never forget to kiss me

all we ate were pizza rolls for a whileliving off of frozen food and booze
i got us takeout sometimes
we'd unroll the pullout couch and share
warm biscuits and cheerwine on the weekends
but it didn't seem to matter-he stopped kissing me in the morning10
the last time he told me he loved me
feels like months ago now, and i told him thatbut he said i'm wrong, so i must be?

11
i ask him to tell me
i love you again
i need it, i really need it

6he won't and i hate myself for it

shouldn't i just trust him?

i get mad andask when he'll start paying rent again
and i hate myself

12
i hate myself
and on a night no one celebrates,
i open the skylight and try to climb out
and he pulls me back in and he hits me
he hits me
and hits me again

the impact lands me on the couchand he chokes me until i can't breathe
i remember thinking
it's weird how quiet screaming sounds
when you might die
can't scream if you can't breathe
i'm weak, but when i ran out of breathi tore his hands off my throat, or maybe he chose to stop

7

either way, i lived

13
and i loved again
believe it or fucking not, i loved again
i got on my knees in the morning and hunched overi cried and begged him to staywhen he'd hit me, he told me i'd die alone
i believed it and begged him to stay
he said ok and wiped my tears away
and hugged me and told me it'd be ok
and he touched the bruises on my neckand he told me he'd stay14
i wore a soft, grey scarf
around my neck
the next day i wore a red scarf
and another next day i wore a black scarf
with tiny stars like the other nightaround my neckwhich was hidden by scarves158

i was too scared to bring it up-that he'd hit me and choked me-i slept next to him, but not with him
i didn't have nightmares and not any dreams
i bought him more cigarettes andwe played video games near each othertime went by slowi tried not to think about it16
i stole some of the cigarettes i bought him
and walked to work and smoked only one
i listened to this song over and overit said this isn't what i deservei want a love that's pure
was this the permission i needed
to hope for something more?
i cried until i couldn't see the sidewalk

17
i sat on the couch behind his backgoogling "is it normal for a boyfriend
to stop saying i love you?"i was surprised at the volume of results,

9but validated that i wasn't alone
and validated that there was no straight answer
there are some questions google can't answer
but where else could i turn?
the shame of it kept me silent

18
i asked him to finally help with rent
i'm not fucking rich, you know thati thought we understood each other--

he punched the wall next to
my headand left a hole19
i go to therapy
i learn about anxious, avoidant and secure people
i try to label myself and him
and i go home and i tell him what i learned
and he tells me
i worry too muchnothing is wrong
stop bringing it up

10

i say"you told me i'd die alone"and he turns to me"i never said that"20
i cry every time i take a shower
because it's a good time to thinki try to talk to him about it andhe tells me
it's not a good time

21
i start to wonder why i need so much attention
and can't remember the last time we kissed
he won't kiss me when we have sex

23
i can't be with him
but i can't not be with him
all of my thoughts are contradictory these days
he tells me to figure it out on my own timeso i sit in the bathroom and clench asealed bottle of pills

11

by the cap in my mouth
i don't take them, but i do think about it

24
what was it about that last night?
out at a show, anxious as helli ask him to stay close
he wanders into the crowd
beaming blue lights
looks like water streaming from my showerhead
everyone is dancing and drinking
i'm perfectly still
no more crying in the shower

25
get home, he's trashedi'm mad, he ditched me
like that time he drove drunk and i screamed for him to stop, pull over!
he did and i got out and stood in the highway, watching him skid off into the dark

like then, he curses me out tonight
he cracks my head against the corner of our hallway
he backhands me but i barely notice
my head hurts12he grabs my neck again andsomething in the deepest pit of my stomach lurches up through my fingertips
and i tear his hands off my neck
like footage of rotten fruit sped up
the moldy crust splitting skin in the shape of a knife
he whirls in a rage and yells something about a knife
i don't remember my feet touching the groundbut they were bare and i ran out of therewith nothing except my long t-shirt and underwear26
i'd never ran barefoot in a panic
it was 4am and an old janitor i'd seen before wasclosing up at the neighboring bar
i slapped the window until he saw me
he gave me a booth, typical red leather and orange lighting
very portlandi shook like a blender and couldn't speak
he called the cops
they shined lights in my face and took photos of my bruises
drove me down the block back homethe cops said:you have a choice to make--13do you want us to take him in?
or do you want to be with him?

i stood at the front door and felt my whole body
pause

26
i picture myself inside the apartment, dusky, deadthe cops are slow-motion in front of me
my heart is beating so fast, the pressure,the sweat and bruises swelling on my skin

fuck them for making me choose,for putting it all on me

i let them take him
fuck him, fuck all of them27
finally, i'm alone
surrounded by chunks of a busted table,
broken vase,hole in the wall14

i lay curled up in a corner of my bed
too weak to grab the covers

i didn't sleep
i watched the sun rise through broken blinds
and i knew, it was a morning to choose for myself-and i never saw him again.

15