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ASSERT YOURSELF!

Module Nine

How to Give and Receive
Compliments Assertively
Compliments

2

Accepting Compliments

2

How do you cope with receiving compliments?

2

Passive responses to accepting compliments

3

Aggressive responses to accepting compliments

3

Assertive responses to accepting compliments

3

Unhelpful thoughts and accepting compliments

4

More assertive thinking for accepting compliments

4

Steps for accepting compliments

5

Giving compliments

6

Steps for giving compliments

6

Module Summary

8

About this module

9This information provided in this document is for information purposes only. Please refer to thefull disclaimer and copyright statements available at www.cci.health.gov.au regarding theinformation on this website before making use of such information.

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Compliments
Being able to give and accept compliments is another assertiveness skill and one which isimportant in conversations and for building relationships and self esteem. As with all theskills we have looked at in this series of modules there is often some unhelpful thinking
which stops us from being able to accept or give compliments. Or we may lack the skills
needed to help us with this skill. This module will help you identify and unhelpful thoughts
you have about compliments and also show you the steps to take to improve the way inwhich you accept and give compliments.

Accepting Compliments
Some people find it extremely difficult to accept compliments. Understandably there aretimes when it may feel uncomfortable; however, being able to accept other people’s positive
comments about our appearance, our work or some other aspect of ourselves is an
important assertiveness and social skill.

How do you Cope with Receiving Compliments?
There are a number of unassertive ways of responding to receiving compliments. Theseinclude:• Ignoring the compliment and changing the topic.
• Disagreeing with the compliment or some part of the compliment. For example:“really, I don’t like the colour of the dress at all.”• Dismissing or deflecting the compliment. For example “oh, this old thing, it’s nothing
special.”• Being sarcastic. For example “Yeah right, it’s just gorgeous isn’t it?”• Nervous laughing or smiling• Self-criticism
Take a minute and think of the last time you were complimented. See if you can remember
how you reacted. Write this down.

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Situation when complimented:____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What I did:____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Do you think your response was passive, assertive or aggressive? Read the descriptions
below and see if you were right.

Passive Responses to Being Complimented
If you respond passively to being complimented you are likely to either ignore thecompliment completely, or deflect or minimise the praise. You may feel very nervous andawkward and don’t know how to respond at all. This can result in the other person also
feeling awkward. You may then leave the social situation feeling embarrassed and your self
esteem may suffer.

Aggressive Responses to Being Complimented
If you respond aggressively to being complimented you may become annoyed, angry ordefensive, or disagree and respond sarcastically to the compliment. As with the passive
response this may result in the other person feeling awkward.

Assertive Responses to Being Complimented
If you respond assertively you are able to accept the compliment in a positive way. The
other person will not feel awkward and the interaction results in both of you feeling better
about yourselves: you for accepting the compliment well and the other person for being•

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able to provide some positive feedback. When we can learn how to embrace positivefeedback and accept compliments graciously, we open up the door for more positive
thoughts and interactions, and we can actually start to BELIEVE them.
Then, when we hear our old patterns of self criticism, we can intentionally choose tobelieve the compliments we've been receiving instead.

Unhelpful thoughts associated with being complimented
As with the other behaviours we have looked at there are a number of unhelpful thoughts
associated with not dealing well with compliments. Some of these are listed below.
•They don’t really mean it. They are just trying to be nice.

•They are being smarmy.

•They must want something from me.

•If I accept a compliment it means I am being big-headed.

•If I accept a compliment they may think I am vain.

•It’s too embarrassing to say something back.

Can you identify any other unhelpful thoughts that may stop you from responding tocompliments assertively? List them below.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Responding Assertively to Compliments: More Helpful Thinking
Here are some more helpful and assertive thoughts to challenge any unhelpful thoughts you
may have. Remember you can also use Thought Diaries and Behavioural Experiments (seeModule 3) to help you come up with more helpful and assertive thoughts.

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•The compliment may be genuine.

•

Even if they are just trying to be nice that is still a positive thing and I can reply
appropriately.

•If I don’t accept the compliment I may make the other person feel awkward.

•Accepting the compliment may make the other person feel better too.

•Accepting a compliment gracefully doesn’t mean I have to agree with itcompletely.

•If I start believing some compliments I may not feel so bad about myself.

•Accepting a compliment does not mean that I am going to become big-headed. If
that were the case I would already be complimenting myself!

•People give compliments for a variety of reasons. Don’t waste a lot of time
wondering why someone gave you a compliment. Just appreciate the fact thatsomeone took the time to say something nice to you!

•You are just as entitled to receive a compliment as anyone else.

See if you can think of any other assertive thoughts about accepting compliments. If you
have discovered some unhelpful thoughts write down some more helpful thoughts tochallenge these.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Steps to responding to Compliments Assertively
1. Look at the other person. Sit or stand up straight. If you shrink back or don’t
look at the person it may seem as if you don’t like them or don’t believe them.
2. Listen to what he or she is saying.
3. Smile when receiving the compliment. A compliment is intended to make you
feel good. If you frown or look down or away the other person may be confusedor uncomfortable.
4. Don’t interrupt.

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5. Say “Thanks,” or something that shows you appreciate what was said.
6. Remember to accept the compliment without trying to take the subject off
yourself or feeling like you have to pay them back. This will make you feel more
confident and let you grow to like yourself better.

Tips for Responding Assertively to Compliments•

As with all the skills you have been learning this one may require some practice. Try
these steps in front of a mirror. Imagine someone says something nice, then say"Thank you. That means a lot to me."•Don't change the topic without acknowledging the compliment.

•It's often good to use the compliment to further conversation. "Thanks! I found it inon eBay - it's amazing what you can get there." That way you've accepted thecompliment and moved on to something about which you can both talk.

How to Give Compliments
It is also important to learn how to give compliments. Giving compliments is a way ofshowing that you have noticed and appreciated something about the person or the situation.
People like being around others who are friendly and open. It also shows that you have theconfidence to say what you really think, which as you remember is one of the cornerstonesof being assertive. Give someone a compliment today!

Steps for Giving Compliments•

Think of the exact words you want to use before you give the compliment. It will
make you feel more confident and you’ll be less likely to fumble around for words.

•Be specific about the compliment. “That necklace looks really good on you” makes abigger impact compared to “you look really good today”. The more specific thebetter, it makes the person feel like you have really noticed them.

••

Mean what you say. People can tell the difference between sincerity and phoniness.

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•

Don’t overdo it. A couple of sentences will do. (“You did a good job at …” or “Youreally did well in ….”)•Smile and be enthusiastic when you give compliments. It makes the other person feelthat you really mean it.

• Be appropriate: Consider the setting and your relationship with the person.
Commenting on a colleague's new hair colour is fine, but mentioning it to your boss
could be stepping out of bounds.
•Ask a question with your compliment. If you want to use the compliment as aconversational starter, ask a question about the subject of your compliment; “thatnecklace looks really good on you. Where did you find it?”Think about a recent example when you admired something about someone (e.g., theirclothing, the work they handed in, a generous act they did) and when you did NOT
compliment them. What could you have said to this person? Why didn’t you give them acompliment? Spend a moment and write down some thoughts. And then think about what
you could have said to them.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________•

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Module summary•

It is an important assertiveness and social skill to be able to receive and givecompliments.

•As with the other assertiveness skills there can be some unhelpful thinking stopping
us from being able to accept compliments graciously. This thinking can be challengedand changed.

•It is also useful and friendly to be able to give compliments•

We need to practice receiving and giving compliments regularly. This can impact
positively on our self esteem and the self esteem of those around us.

Comingup:

The next module pulls all theassertiveness skills together andshows you how to startpractising to become more
assertive•

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ABOUT THIS MODULE
CONTRIBUTORSFiona Michel (MPsych1 PhD2).
Centre for Clinical Interventions

Dr Anthea Fursland (PhD2)Centre for Clinical Interventions

Master of Psychology (Clinical Psychology) 2Doctor of Philosophy (Clinical Psychology)

1

We would also like to thank Paula Nathan for her contribution to these modules

BACKGROUND
The concepts and strategies in the modules have been developed from evidence based psychologicalpractice, primarily Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy (CBT). CBT is a type of psychotherapy that is basedon the theory that unhelpful negative emotions and behaviours are strongly influenced byproblematic cognitions (thoughts). This can be found in the following:
Beck, A.T., Rush, A. J., Shaw, B.F., & Emery, G. (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. NewYork:Guildford.
Clark, D. M. (1986). A cognitive approach to panic. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 24, 461-470.
Clark, D. M. & Wells, A. (1995). A cognitive model of social phobia. In R. Heimberg, M. Liebowitz,D.A.

REFERENCES
These are some of the professional references used to create this module:
Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (1974). Your Perfect Right. Impact, San Luis Obispo, California.
Back, R & Back, K. (1986). Assertiveness at Work – A Practical guide to Handling Awkward Situations.
McGraw Hill, London.
Davis, M., Eshelman, E.R. & McKay, M. (2000). The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook, Fourth
Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications
Gambrill, E.D. & Richey, L.A. (1975). An assertion inventory for use in assessment and research.
Behavior Therapy, 6, 550-561.
Holland, S. & Ward, C. (1980). Assertiveness: A Practical Approach. Winslow Press, Bicester.
Linehan, M. (1979). Structured cognitive-behavioural treatment of assertion problems. In Kendall &Hollon, Cognitive Behavioural Interventions (pp205-240). Academic Press.
McKay, M & Fanning, P. (1995). Self esteem, third edition. St Martin’s Paperbacks, California.
Powell, T. (2000). The Mental Health Handbook (revised edition). Speechmark Publishing, Wesleyan
University Press.
Smith, M.J. (1975). When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Dial, New York.
Wolpe, J. (1973). The Practice of Behavior Therapy. Pergamon Press, New York.

“ASSERT YOURSELF”
This module forms part of:Michel, F. (2008). Assert Yourself. Perth, Western Australia: Centre for Clinical Interventions.
ISBN: 0-9757995-5-X•forCentrelinical
C Interventions••Psychotherapy Research Training

Created: November, 2008

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