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ASSERT YOURSELF!

Module Eight

How to Deal with Disappointment
Assertively
Being Disappointed

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How do you cope with disappointment?

3

Passive responses to disappointment

3

Aggressive responses to disappointment

3

Assertive responses to disappointment

3

Unhelpful thoughts and disappointment

3

More assertive thinking

4

Module Summary

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About this module6This information provided in this document is for information purposes only. Please refer to thefull disclaimer and copyright statements available at www.cci.health.gov.au regarding theinformation on this website before making use of such information.

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Being Disappointed
It would be impossible to get through life without being disappointed about something.
Disappointment occurs when we have an expectation or desire about how we wantsomething to turn out and it doesn’t go the way we wanted.

How do you Cope with Disappointment?
There are a number of unassertive ways of responding to disappointment. These include:• Sulking• Anger at the thing / person that you see as cause of disappointment. This can include
being angry at yourself.
• Depression• Wanting revenge• Giving up• Self-criticism
Take a minute and think of the last time you were disappointed. See if you can remember
how you reacted. Write this down.
Situation when disappointed:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What I did:____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________•

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Now read the descriptions below and see if your behaviour was passive, assertive oraggressive.

Passive Responses to Disappointment
If you respond passively to disappointment you are likely to give up what you were trying toachieve or become overly self critical about why you didn’t achieve it. You may feel sorry
for yourself and sulk. If others have disappointed you, you may give up on them. All of thesereactions can worsen your self esteem and lead to depression.

Aggressive Responses to Disappointment
If you respond aggressively to disappointment you are likely to become angry about thesituation or person that led to the disappointment. You may become increasingly resentful
towards that situation or person and want to extract some revenge.

Assertive Responses to Disappointment
If you respond assertively you may still feel disappointment when things haven’t gone theway you wanted them to. This is normal! However, you will not blame yourself or otherpeople. Nor will you get stuck in negative emotions. You will take responsibility for yourpart in the disappointment and think through how you can move forward from here. You
may need to make some changes; you may need to learn something from thedisappointment. There may be nothing you can do differently. Either way you will begraceful in accepting the situation and move forward.

Unhelpful thoughts associated with disappointment
As with the other behaviours we have looked at there are a number of unhelpful thoughts
associated with not dealing well with disappointment. Some of these are listed below.

••

They should know I don’t like it when they do that.

•The world is terrible, I can’t bear this.

•That person is bad.

•I can’t accept that person for being like that.

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•I can’t tolerate this.

Can you identify any other unhelpful thoughts that may stop you from responding todisappointment assertively? List them below.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Responding Assertively to Disappointment: More Helpful Thinking
Here are some more helpful and assertive thoughts to challenge any unhelpful thoughts you
may have. Remember you can also use Thought Diaries and Behavioural Experiments (seeModule 3) to help you come up with more helpful and assertive thoughts.
•It is undesirable to be treated unfairly, but it is not awful.

•I can stand this hurt and frustration and I can do something about the situation.

•I accept how the other person is. They may have been rejecting one aspect of mybehaviour not me as a whole person.

•It is best to openly express my feelings; the consequences may not be as bad as Ithink.

See if you can think of any other assertive thoughts about being disappointed. If you
identified your own unhelpful thoughts see if you can identify more helpful thoughts tochallenge these.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________•

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Module summary•

We are all disappointed at some time in our lives•

As with other unassertive behaviour how we think about being criticised can lead us
to respond in a passive or aggressive way. We can change this thinking to more
assertive thinking.

Comingup:

The next module shows us howto respond to compliments
assertively and how to givecompliments.

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ABOUT THIS MODULE
CONTRIBUTORSFiona Michel (MPsych1 PhD2).
Centre for Clinical Interventions

Dr Anthea Fursland (PhD2)Centre for Clinical Interventions

Master of Psychology (Clinical Psychology) 2Doctor of Philosophy (Clinical Psychology)

1

We would also like to thank Paula Nathan for her contribution to these modules

BACKGROUND
The concepts and strategies in the modules have been developed from evidence based psychologicalpractice, primarily Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy (CBT). CBT is a type of psychotherapy that is basedon the theory that unhelpful negative emotions and behaviours are strongly influenced byproblematic cognitions (thoughts). This can be found in the following:
Beck, A.T., Rush, A. J., Shaw, B.F., & Emery, G. (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. NewYork:Guildford.
Clark, D. M. (1986). A cognitive approach to panic. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 24, 461-470.
Clark, D. M. & Wells, A. (1995). A cognitive model of social phobia. In R. Heimberg, M. Liebowitz,D.A.

REFERENCES
These are some of the professional references used to create this module:
Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (1974). Your Perfect Right. Impact, San Luis Obispo, California.
Back, R & Back, K. (1986). Assertiveness at Work – A Practical guide to Handling Awkward Situations.
McGraw Hill, London.
Davis, M., Eshelman, E.R. & McKay, M. (2000). The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook, Fourth
Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications
Gambrill, E.D. & Richey, L.A. (1975). An assertion inventory for use in assessment and research.
Behavior Therapy, 6, 550-561.
Holland, S. & Ward, C. (1980). Assertiveness: A Practical Approach. Winslow Press, Bicester.
Linehan, M. (1979). Structured cognitive-behavioural treatment of assertion problems. In Kendall &Hollon, Cognitive Behavioural Interventions (pp205-240). Academic Press.
McKay, M & Fanning, P. (1995). Self esteem, third edition. St Martin’s Paperbacks, California.
Powell, T. (2000). The Mental Health Handbook (revised edition). Speechmark Publishing, WesleyanUniversity Press.
Smith, M.J. (1975). When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Dial, New York.
Wolpe, J. (1973). The Practice of Behavior Therapy. Pergamon Press, New York.

“ASSERT YOURSELF”
This module forms part of:Michel, F. (2008). Assert Yourself. Perth, Western Australia: Centre for Clinical Interventions.
ISBN: 0-9757995-5-X•

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Created: November, 2008

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