F.E.A.R. - Face Everything and Recover. 10/19/2019 EA teleconference
1. (My emotional life regarding fear and anxiety)It was only after a spiritual experience that brought an end to over 50 yearsof living with clinical depression bipolar spectrum that I realized what I had
identified as anxieties companion to depression, was actually anotherdisorder of its own. I erroneously thought the depression and anxiety wererelated so expected when the depression ended, so would the anxiety.
Wrong. Relieved of the depression, I still found myself with unmanageableanxiety. While I described myself as someone 'overwhelmed byeverything', this was treated only clinically as a depression episode.
Once free of depression, I fully realized what a worrier I was; I could see
the fear fed into anxiety, then the anxiety fed the anxiety itself creating aspiraling down eﬀect. Sometimes it would be a sudden panic. I felt justas powerless and helpless with anxiety as I had with depression. I felt
worse in a way as depression muﬄed the tormented feeling of anxiety.
Left with anxiety I began again to use Step 11 to manage anxiety just as I
had used it to manage depression. At first anxiety improved throughmeditation and eventually led to freedom after spiritual awakenings as aresult of Step 11. I simply needed to be committed daily to work the step.
The 12th step promises the Higher Power can do for us what we can't dofor ourselves., sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I found I needed toplod along with step 11 day after day, week after week, year after year
before all aligned and a spiritual experience healed the roots of each.
In the meantime, Fear and Anxiety looked like hyper-activity, workaholism,panic, mentally scattered, a grandiose problem solver, little to no
tolerance for living with unsolved problems, irritability and impatience,
body aches, nausea, joylessness, over-eating, spending and shopping toname a few.
2. (So what happened to bring me to making the EA change in my life?)
I had never heard of Emotions Anonymous nor had I ever attended an EA
meeting when I heard my Higher Power, "I want you to bring Emotions
Anonymous to Topeka." I had to go online to find out what Emotions
Anonymous was all about. This was 6 years ago. I was familiar with how a"healthy" 12 step meeting is run through years in Al-Anon as an Adult

Child - which helped me in relationships to others and to theconsequences of alcoholism in my life, but EA was where I needed to be.
Through EA I realized only I could observe the activities of my mind andemotions and make diﬀerent choices. That I needed to concentrate on arelationship with myself; with gentleness, understanding and compassion.
Only I could apply the steps specifically toward my thoughts andemotions. Only my HP could help me more deeply than others had beenable to even though I availed myself of quality therapists and appropriate
medication.
3. How has EA improved my emotional state and life?

- The Steps 1-2-3 dance of surrendering was a process of turning to thehelp of my HP over and over. I no longer have to deal with anythingalone. I could let go VS hanging onto worry and fear.
- Getting a sponsor prompted me to be open and honest about mythoughts and feelings and to avoid their spiraling; having a sponsor also
helped me develop humility VS the Pride and shame that kept me silent,isolated, avoiding my feelings, closed mouthed with others; all theseself-protective practices contributed to loneliness,- Mindfulness was staying in the now pulling me back from my tendency
to be anxious about the future; mindfulness for me is also conscious
contact with God in the NOW moment. Living in the now is essential.
Awareness of God's presence in all I did made mindfulness a more
pleasant and appealing focus.
- Fellowship in meetings increased my openness and honesty. I also
learned I wasn't diﬀerent from the rest of the human race; there wasn't
something innately "WRONG!" with me that couldn't be bettered by EAand my HP.
4. What tools and steps helped me face and change my fears andanxieties?
After hospitalization I had a spiritual experience that emphasized that Step
11's prayer and meditation was essential. I made a decision, empoweredby my HP, to make Step 11 a "non-negotiable" step to recovery, and its
conscious contact with my HP was critical to my One Day At A Time work
toward deepening emotional stabilization and sobriety. Conscious
contact grounded me in something higher than my fear and anxiety, mybrokenness and limitations, imperfections and failings; regardless - I wasloved.
I was so lost to the habitual workings of my mind that it took 2 years ofdaily meditation before I had a moment of sanity that turned everythingaround for me. My method of meditation was to focus my mind on mybreathing. Some people focus on a word, but my mind was so active thatany word would start my mind thinking about the word and then on toother things. In meditation the mind will wander but a focus on the breath
detached my mind from the thoughts. I was so emotionally ill that it took 2years of meditation before it dawned on me; IF I could allow thoughts andfeelings to go by in meditation, like passing on a cloud or boats going byin the river, returning over and over to the focus on my breath alone...then
why couldn't I detach from unhealthy and unhappy thoughts throughout
the Day???!!! Why let thoughts go in prayer, but engage them without
detachment during the day to day living? This was a life-changing
moment of sanity for me.
For example, it was not uncommon for me to be driving and suddenly beoverwhelmed with the panic thoughts that I was near to having a terrible
accident where others would be killed! After months of focusing on mybreath in meditation, I needed only to say, 'Breathe, Sharon, just breathe'
and my mind and body would remember the comfort of the meditation
breath and the driving anxiety while would immediately dispel. Gone!
Poof like magic.
Just as I learned in meditation to be aware when my thoughts wanderedaway from my breath focus, I learned to be a "thought watcher"throughout the day. I determinedly studied anxiety, as I had depression,
so I would be aware when characteristic thoughts and feelings of fear andanxiety surfaced and I immediately turned from the mind's functioning by
making a decision to make conscious contact with my HP and to focus on
my breath instead. It was like making a U-turn as a choice and heading
toward personal management, nipping the thoughts in the bud - this isessential! With the first thought we are a victim, but the second thought
I'm a volunteer.
"Conscious contact" for me is to surrender whatever I'm dealing with withStep 1 or a Step 3 prayer. I might use a slogan to focus on instead of theunhealthy or negative habit thinking. Reading the wisdom of EA literatureis another way to shift the mind's focus. Instead of becoming moreanxious with anxious thinking, I would do the opposite; I would add
another meditation time of 10- 20 minutes or intentionally read somethingspiritual which changed my thinking. The mind really does focus on one
thing at a time...recovery means I can make a choice as to just what I
chose to focus upon, what I want to give attention to.
Step 11 as a tool has become a little dance for me; Aware - Detach - andCenter on my HP. Eventually, as my doctor reinforced, to detach fromgiving the thoughts and feelings engagement and attention, while
recognizing it's there...that the inattention or indiﬀerence would eventually
heal the mind's way of habitual thinking or panic. Detachment and focus
is like a mother dog pinning a misbehaving puppy down with her paw; thepuppy will eventually get it that it's futile to struggle, it will quit wiggling
and just give up. The "mother" in my mind is using my reason, my will, myintellect and my ability to make a decision to do the right quieting practice.
Another way to think of fear and anxious thoughts that are allowed full
reign to their functioning, is like have a tender bruise. If you keep hitting
the bruise, like engaging in fearful thinking over and over, the bruise will
never heal - in fact, may very well get worse.
Now I am the governor of my mind; my mind does not dominate me
thanks to my HP impressing upon me to do Step 11. Step 11 is a nonnegotiable for me; by that I mean I know it is a First Things First in myemotional sobriety.
What has changed? I'm no longer attached to my old habitual way ofthinking...I've come to appreciate the ability to quiet my mind and that thequiet mind experienced is a comfortable place to live in; I prefer the serene
mind to the company of the chaotic mind. I'm more apt with a still mind tohear the helpful promptings of my HP; I have grown in awareness of myHP's sweet presence, attentiveness, and care. This relationship has
deepened my experience of attachment to my HP and ever deepening myrealization of my HP's attachment to me; I'm growing in self-esteem,
confidence, safety and trust instead of fear and anxiety; I'm assured ofhelp and hope toward continuing improvement in recovery and managing
my response to life on its terms.

In a problem or crisis, I've learned to stop, slow down, pray and wait forguidance instead of reacting impulsively, and sometimes insanely, throughanxiety and panic.
A major turn has been to transform unmanageable fear of life with its
overwhelming burdens and misery TO a realization my HP uses everythingin life toward my recovery and good. I no longer reluctantly resign in"surrender" to pain and suﬀering, but I "surrender" with courage and withhope's optimism to the good my HP can make of adversity andchallenges. These have all created more and more trust in the presence
and help of my HP which proportionally has decreased fear and anxiety tovery low manageable normal emotions where thoughts and feelings of fear
and anxiety used to seem actually REAL facts to me before.
Step 11's prayer and meditation and improving my conscious contact with
God is a daily commitment, a "non-negotiable" determination step toongoing recovery. One prayer at a time, one meditation at a time, One
Day At A Time; in the face of of fear and anxiety, I have a choice, as in thepractice of meditation, to detach from thought engagement orentertainment, to turn from what once was a torment and greatunhappiness.
I encourage all listeners to make Step 11's prayer and the practice of
meditation a First Things First tool committed towards optimal recovery
and eventual freedom from Fear and Anxiety.
We assuredly can find that we can face everything, with conscious contact
with our HP and so find recovery.
I've discovered incredible spiritual depth in Step 11 through saying, 'Yes'
to my HP's "do that", through daily commitment and guarding of mymorning quiet time and then applying the spiritual practice of the samedetachment to negative or unhealthy thoughts throughout the day. I've
been committed to improving my conscious contact with my HP as
attachment to my HP as a greater value than all else - detaching from allelse as the higher value.
I've lived Step 11 discovering its hidden perseverance, hope and promisesof hope.

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of Step 11, as 12th step, I
teach prayer and medication, and take opportunities to encourage others
toward Step 11 practices.
Thank-you for your time and attention and good graces to you as youpractice Step 11 in all your aﬀairs. My heart is full of gratitude for thehealing and freedom Step 11 has given me through the work of my HP.
Thank-you.
Sharon H
Topeka, KS
10/19/2019