These gender differences tend to create a
divide between a child-rearing couples,both of whom are expecting to follow thesame path.
However,hearing
conducted
aon
approximately forty couples who are rearing
a child for the first time shows that thesegender differences can be reduced to acertain extent.

One is “the gate for the husband to care for the child”:
This is a door that women need to open.
The other is “the gate to ease the wife’s burden”: Thisis a door that men need to open. Just by being
conscious of opening up these doors to each other, thecouple’s dialogue during the childrearing period will change.
Do give it a try.

Firstly, due to biological differences, theburden of child-rearing is disproportionately
placed on women. Meanwhile, men feel theylag behind in becoming a parent, as they feelawkward about not being equipped with theweapon of breastfeeding or for having lesschance to take care of the child. Additionally,
while men can choose child-rearing or work,
women have no such option.
 I can now think of my wife more than I used to. Considering the difficultyof child care, I try to take the initiative to do housework, etc. (Husband) When I have trouble changing a diaper or holding the child, my wife doesn’t
use harsh words; instead, she tries to make me feel good. I ‘m also making
an effort to take part in child-rearing as much as I can. (Husband) There were many times when we almost had a fight, but remembered thetalk about the “Two Gates,” and ended up not having an argument.
(Husband) I was intentionally using thoughtful words to speak to her, but after awhile, the occasions where I was able to speak that way naturallyincreased. (Husband)
 I’m now able to interact with my wife in a considerate way even if I’m tired.
My wife is also creating an environment where I can take part in child care.
(Husband) My hopes and expectations for my husband changed in some minor ways
before and after I gave birth, and it has helped me that I learned about that
beforehand. I can try not to be emotional, and try to understand myhusband’s position. (Wife) I had times when I was irritated and almost made sarcastic remarks (about
how my husband was cuddling the child, etc.), but I remembered about thegates and gave him advice after taking the time to think it over first. (Wife)
 I feel that our relationship has become very close after hearing about the“Two Gates.” I hope many people will learn the concept. (Wife)
 I never thought we’d have an after-birth crisis, but I’m glad to have known
about the two gates. (Wife)

Etsuko Shiono, RN, MW, Ph.D. of NursingSchool of Nursing Miyagi University
981-3298 Gakuen 1-1, Kurokawa-gun, Taiwa-cho, Miyagi, JAPAN
TEL:+81-22-377-8272､ Email: siono@myu.ac.jp
2018 年 3 月改訂（第３版）

 To those romantics who believe thata rosy life of parenting as a loving
couple awaits once a child is born... (?!)

Here is how.
A couple already has various gates(doors) between them, but once a childis born, think of it as though two more
new gates (doors) are created. Imagine
them like this.
The Voice of Practitioners

I am sorry, but that is hard to achieve.
Men and women are different in many
ways, so be prepared for a wide range ofsuch differences to surface.

How was it? When the mother opens “the gatefor caring for the child,” the father starts toenjoy caring for the child, and when thefather cares for the kids, then the mother’sburden is reduced. Similarly, when the father
opens “the gate to ease the wife’s burden,” themother’s burden is reduced, and a positive
cycle is created. Learn the gender differences,and enjoy parenting! “Do give it a try!”Let’s overcome the after-birth crisis every
parent experiences!

The watch-phrase for a parenting couple is..

Open up the two gates !

●With this slogan, both of you can enjoy parenting.●●

https://kerokero-shiono.com/

This is the gate the mother needs to open

“The gate for the husband to care for the child”
Whether the father actually cares for the child is determined by the mother. It depends on whether she can manage to pull the father into
child-rearing successfully (opening the door), or chases him out of it (closing the door).

Ways to open the gate for caring for the childsuccessfullyWays to close the gate for caring for the child

Creating contact
between the husband and the child

Eliminating contact between the husband and thechild
ママは子どもの世話の門番･Leaving the child care to the husband on hisdays off as much as possible･Creating a time when the husband takes care of the childby himself･Early pregnancy: going to parenting classes and prenatal
checkups together･Shutting out the husband from the childcare (figure to the right)･Not asking him to take care of the child(Because I can do it more quickly/better...)･Asking him to come home after the childgoes to sleep(Because the child gets too excited
and won’t sleep when dad gets home...)1

Boosting his motivation･Lavishing him with praise:
two phrases, “You’re the best!” and “That’sgreat!” will be enough.
･Asking nicely･Sharing stories he doesn’t know about thechild’s day(Via SNS, or directly after he gets home...)･Speaking for the childi.e., “She/he wants to take a bath with her/his dad!”1

Curbing his motivation･Asking in an angry tone
･Demanding he does things differently･Attacking him for not helping･Taking things out on him･Always complaining to him about one thingor another1

Overlooking his clumsiness

Being critical of his clumsiness･Not intervening unnecessarily, neither
physically nor verbally･Trying not to notice his uncertain
handling

1･Not praising him･Criticizing his ways
･Pointing out his uncertain handling
1This is the gate the mother needs to open

“The gate to ease the wife’s burden”
The sense of child care burden the mother feels is determined by the dad. It depends on whether he tries to ease the burden on the wife (openingthe door), or increases it (closing the door).

Ways to open the gate to ease the wife’s burden
successfully
Watching over the wife closely
when she is going through a difficult time･Sharing time and space with the wife when she isgoing through a difficult time.
･Trying to be very understanding of the physicallyand mentally unstable conditions postnatal womenexperience･Giving priority to the wife1

Ways to close the gate to ease the wife’s burden
Leaving her in others’ hands
when she is going through a difficult time･Leaving her to her parents and the hospital･Not sharing time and space with her when
she is going through a difficult time
･Giving priority to yourself
1

Listening to her attentively

1･Showing a reaction to what she says (nodding,expressing great surprise)･Not rushing to solve a problem, and opting tosimply listen･Showing empathy by saying, “That must havebeen hard” ･Not arguing with her

Talking to her･“Are you okay?” “Did you get to sleep?”“How was your day?”･“Are you tired?” “Thank you!” etc.
･ The husband’s show of appreciation works
magic for the wife to feel comforted

1

Reducing her tasks･Taking the initiative to help with what you
can to assist her･Not leaving your clothes and things lying
aroundListening to her half-heartedly
妻の愚痴にうんざりする

ぐちぐち
ぐちぐち

1

･Listening to her while doing something else
･Not showing a reaction to what she says,
and not showing interest･Think of how you are also tired･Being tired of her usual complaining

Not talking to her, or hurting
her feelings with offhand remarks

Not talking to her depending on her mood“Don’t you think you can switch to formula now?” etc.
—Postnatal women are in a state where they can quickly
feel down because of a casual incident—

Increasing her tasks･Being reluctant or refusing when asked to do something･Increasing her work by leaving your clothes and things
lying around1

Providing thoughtful support for her to release stress･Suggesting an outing and other activities
for her to feel refreshed･Creating times she can spend on her own
1

Interfering with her stress-releasing activities･Complaining about her shopping and spending