CANDIDE

Voltaire1759

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TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER 1.....................................................................................1
How Candide Was Brought Up in a Magnificent Castle and How He
Was Driven Thence

CHAPTER 2.....................................................................................3
What Befell Candide among the Bulgarians

CHAPTER 3.....................................................................................6
How Candide Escaped from the Bulgarians and What Befell Him
Afterward

CHAPTER 4.....................................................................................8
How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again and What

CHAPTER 5...................................................................................11
A Tempest, a Shipwreck, an Earthquake, and What Else Befell Dr.
Pangloss, Candide, and James, the Anabaptist

CHAPTER 6...................................................................................14
How the Portuguese Made a Superb Auto-De-Fe to Prevent Any
Future Earthquakes, and How Candide Underwent Public
Flagellation

CHAPTER 7...................................................................................16
How the Old Woman Took Care Of Candide, and How He Found the
Object of His Love

CHAPTER 8...................................................................................18
Cunegund’s Story

CHAPTER 9...................................................................................21
What Happened to Cunegund, Candide, the Grand Inquisitor, and theJew

CHAPTER 10 .................................................................................23
In What Distress Candide, Cunegund, and the Old Woman Arrive at
Cadiz, and Of Their Embarkation

CHAPTER 11 .................................................................................25
The History of the Old Womaniii

CHAPTER 12 .................................................................................28
The Adventures of the Old Woman Continued

CHAPTER 13 .................................................................................32
How Candide Was Obliged to Leave the Fair Cunegund and the Old
Woman

CHAPTER 14 .................................................................................35
The Reception Candide and Cacambo Met with among the Jesuits in
Paraguay

CHAPTER 15 .................................................................................38
How Candide Killed the Brother of His Dear Cunegund

CHAPTER 16 .................................................................................40
What Happened to Our Two Travelers with Two Girls, Two Monkeys,
and the Savages, Called Oreillons

CHAPTER 17 .................................................................................44
Candide and His Valet Arrive in the Country of El Dorado-What
They Saw There

CHAPTER 18 .................................................................................48
What They Saw in the Country of El Dorado

CHAPTER 19 .................................................................................53
What Happened to Them at Surinam, and How Candide Became
Acquainted with Martin

CHAPTER 20 .................................................................................58
What Befell Candide and Martin on Their Passage

CHAPTER 21 .................................................................................61
Candide and Martin, While Thus Reasoning with Each Other, Draw
Near to the Coast of France

CHAPTER 22 .................................................................................63
What Happened to Candide and Martin in France

CHAPTER 23 .................................................................................72
Candide and Martin Touch upon the English Coast-What They See
There

iv

CHAPTER 24 .................................................................................74
Of Pacquette and Friar Giroflee

CHAPTER 25 .................................................................................78
Candide and Martin Pay a Visit to Seignor Pococurante, a Noble
Venetian

CHAPTER 26 .................................................................................83
Candide and Martin Sup with Six Sharpers-Who They Were

CHAPTER 27 .................................................................................86
Candide’s Voyage to Constantinople

CHAPTER 28 .................................................................................90
What Befell Candide, Cunegund, Pangloss, Martin, etc.

CHAPTER 29 IN ............................................................................92
What Manner Candide Found Miss Cunegund and the Old Woman
Again

CHAPTER 30 .................................................................................94
Conclusionv

vi

CHAPTER 1
How Candide Was Brought Up in a Magnificent Castle
and How He Was Driven Thence
In the country of Westphalia, in the castle of the most noble Baronof Thunder–ten–tronckh, lived a youth whom Nature had endowed witha most sweet disposition. His face was the true index of his mind. He
had a solid judgment joined to the most unaffected simplicity; andhence, I presume, he had his name of Candide. The old servants of thehouse suspected him to have been the son of the Baron’s sister, by avery good sort of a gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young
lady refused to marry, because he could produce no more than
threescore and eleven quarterings in his arms; the rest of thegenealogical tree belonging to the family having been lost through the
injuries of time.
The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for
his castle had not only a gate, but even windows, and his great hall washung with tapestry. He used to hunt with his mastiffs and spaniels
instead of greyhounds; his groom served him for huntsman; and theparson of the parish officiated as his grand almoner. He was called “MyLord” by all his people, and he never told a story but everyone laughedat it.
My Lady Baroness, who weighed three hundred and fifty pounds,
consequently was a person of no small consideration; and then she did
the honors of the house with a dignity that commanded universal
respect. Her daughter was about seventeen years of age, fresh–colored,
comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron’s son seemed to be a youth inevery respect worthy of the father he sprung from. Pangloss, thepreceptor, was the oracle of the family, and little Candide listened to
his instructions with all the simplicity natural to his age and disposition.
Master Pangloss taught the metaphysico–theologo–cosmolonigology.He could prove to admiration that there is no effect without acause; and, that in this best of all possible worlds, the Baron’s castle
was the most magnificent of all castles, and My Lady the best of all
possible baronesses.
“It is demonstrable,” said he, “that things cannot be otherwise thanas they are; for as all things have been created for some end, they must
1

2

VOLTAIRE

necessarily be created for the best end. Observe, for instance, the noseis formed for spectacles, therefore we wear spectacles. The legs arevisibly designed for stockings, accordingly we wear stockings. Stones
were made to be hewn and to construct castles, therefore My Lord has amagnificent castle; for the greatest baron in the province ought to be
the best lodged. Swine were intended to be eaten, therefore we eat pork
all the year round: and they, who assert that everything is right, do not
express themselves correctly; they should say that everything is best.”
Candide listened attentively and believed implicitly, for he thoughtMiss Cunegund excessively handsome, though he never had thecourage to tell her so. He concluded that next to the happiness of being
Baron of Thunder–ten–tronckh, the next was that of being Miss
Cunegund, the next that of seeing her every day, and the last that ofhearing the doctrine of Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of thewhole province, and consequently of the whole world.
One day when Miss Cunegund went to take a walk in a little
neighboring wood which was called a park, she saw, through thebushes, the sage Doctor Pangloss giving a lecture in experimental
philosophy to her mother’s chambermaid, a little brown wench, very
pretty, and very tractable. As Miss Cunegund had a great disposition
for the sciences, she observed with the utmost attention the experiments
which were repeated before her eyes; she perfectly well understood theforce of the doctor’s reasoning upon causes and effects. She retired
greatly flurried, quite pensive and filled with the desire of knowledge,
imagining that she might be a sufficing reason for young Candide, andhe for her.
On her way back she happened to meet the young man; sheblushed, he blushed also; she wished him a good morning in a flattering
tone, he returned the salute, without knowing what he said. The nextday, as they were rising from dinner, Cunegund and Candide slippedbehind the screen. The miss dropped her handkerchief, the young man
picked it up. She innocently took hold of his hand, and he as innocently
kissed hers with a warmth, a sensibility, a grace–all very particular;
their lips met; their eyes sparkled; their knees trembled; their hands
strayed. The Baron chanced to come by; he beheld the cause and effect,
and, without hesitation, saluted Candide with some notable kicks on thebreech and drove him out of doors. The lovely Miss Cunegund fainted
away, and, as soon as she came to herself, the Baroness boxed her ears.
Thus a general consternation was spread over this most magnificent
and most agreeable of all possible castles.

CHAPTER 2What Befell Candide among the Bulgarians
Candide, thus driven out of this terrestrial paradise, rambled a longtime without knowing where he went; sometimes he raised his eyes, allbedewed with tears, towards heaven, and sometimes he cast amelancholy look towards the magnificent castle, where dwelt the fairestof young baronesses. He laid himself down to sleep in a furrow,heartbroken, and supperless. The snow fell in great flakes, and, in themorning when he awoke, he was almost frozen to death; however, hemade shift to crawl to the next town, which was called Wald–berghofftrarbkdikdorff, without a penny in his pocket, and half dead withhunger and fatigue. He took up his stand at the door of an inn. He had
not been long there before two men dressed in blue fixed their eyes
steadfastly upon him.
“Faith, comrade,” said one of them to the other, “yonder is a wellmade young fellow and of the right size.” Upon which they made up to
Candide and with the greatest civility and politeness invited him to dinewith them.
“Gentlemen,” replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, you
do me much honor, but upon my word I have no money.”“Money, sir!” said one of the blues to him, “young persons of yourappearance and merit never pay anything; why, are not you five feet
five inches high?”“Yes, gentlemen, that is really my size,” replied he, with a low
bow.
“Come then, sir, sit down along with us; we will not only pay yourreckoning, but will never suffer such a clever young fellow as you towant money. Men were born to assist one another.”“You are perfectly right, gentlemen,” said Candide, “this isprecisely the doctrine of Master Pangloss; and I am convinced thateverything is for the best.”
His generous companions next entreated him to accept of a few
crowns, which he readily complied with, at the same time offering themhis note for the payment, which they refused, and sat down to table.
“Have you not a great affection for –”“O yes! I have a great affection for the lovely Miss Cunegund.”3

4

VOLTAIRE“Maybe so,” replied one of the blues, “but that is not thequestion!We ask you whether you have not a great affection for theKing of the Bulgarians?”“For the King of the Bulgarians?” said Candide. “Oh, Lord! not at
all, why I never saw him in my life.”“Is it possible? Oh, he is a most charming king! Come, we must
drink his health.”“With all my heart, gentlemen,” said Candide, and off he tossed his
glass.
“Bravo!” cried the blues; “you are now the support, the defender,
the hero of the Bulgarians; your fortune is made; you are in the highroad to glory.”
So saying, they handcuffed him, and carried him away to theregiment. There he was made to wheel about to the right, to the left, todraw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to fire, to march, andthey gave him thirty blows with a cane; the next day he performed his
exercise a little better, and they gave him but twenty; the day following
he came off with ten, and was looked upon as a young fellow ofsurprising genius by all his comrades.
Candide was struck with amazement, and could not for the soul of
him conceive how he came to be a hero. One fine spring morning, hetook it into his head to take a walk, and he marched straight forward,
conceiving it to be a privilege of the human species, as well as of thebrute creation, to make use of their legs how and when they pleased. He
had not gone above two leagues when he was overtaken by four otherheroes, six feet high, who bound him neck and heels, and carried him toa dungeon. A courtmartial sat upon him, and he was asked which heliked better, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times through the whole
regiment, or to have his brains blown out with a dozen musket–balls?
In vain did he remonstrate to them that the human will is free, andthat he chose neither; they obliged him to make a choice, and hedetermined, in virtue of that divine gift called free will, to run thegauntlet six and thirty times.
He had gone through his discipline twice, and the regiment being
composed of 2,000 men, they composed for him exactly 4,000 strokes,
which laid bare all his muscles and nerves from the nape of his neck to
his stern. As they were preparing to make him set out the third time ouryoung hero, unable to support it any longer, begged as a favor that theywould be so obliging as to shoot him through the head; the favor being
granted, a bandage was tied over his eyes, and he was made to kneel
down.
At that very instant, His Bulgarian Majesty happening to pass bymade a stop, and inquired into the delinquent’s crime, and being aCandide5

prince of great penetration, he found, from what he heard of Candide,that he was a young metaphysician, entirely ignorant of the world; andtherefore, out of his great clemency, he condescended to pardon him,
for which his name will be celebrated in every journal, and in every
age. A skillful surgeon made a cure of the flagellated Candide in three
weeks by means of emollient unguents prescribed by Dioscorides. His
sores were now skimmed over and he was able to march, when theKing of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the Abares.

CHAPTER 3
How Candide Escaped from the Bulgarians and What
Befell Him Afterward
Never was anything so gallant, so well accoutred, so brilliant, andso finely disposed as the two armies. The trumpets, fifes, hautboys,
drums, and cannon made such harmony as never was heard in Hellitself. The entertainment began by a discharge of cannon, which, in thetwinkling of an eye, laid flat about 6,000 men on each side. The musket
bullets swept away, out of the best of all possible worlds, nine or ten
thousand scoundrels that infested its surface. The bayonet was next thesufficient reason of the deaths of several thousands. The whole mightamount to thirty thousand souls. Candide trembled like a philosopher,and concealed himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery.
At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deums to be sungin their camps, Candide took a resolution to go and reason somewhere
else upon causes and effects. After passing over heaps of dead or dying
men, the first place he came to was a neighboring village, in the
Abarian territories, which had been burned to the ground by the
Bulgarians, agreeably to the laws of war. Here lay a number of old men
covered with wounds, who beheld their wives dying with their throats
cut, and hugging their children to their breasts, all stained with blood.
There several young virgins, whose bodies had been ripped open, after
they had satisfied the natural necessities of the Bulgarian heroes,
breathed their last; while others, half–burned in the flames, begged tobe dispatched out of the world. The ground about them was covered
with the brains, arms, and legs of dead men.
Candide made all the haste he could to another village, which
belonged to the Bulgarians, and there he found the heroic Abares hadenacted the same tragedy. Thence continuing to walk over palpitating
limbs, or through ruined buildings, at length he arrived beyond thetheater of war, with a little provision in his budget, and Miss
Cunegund’s image in his heart. When he arrived in Holland his
provision failed him; but having heard that the inhabitants of thatcountry were all rich and Christians, he made himself sure of being
treated by them in the same manner as the Baron’s castle, before he had
been driven thence through the power of Miss Cunegund’s bright eyes.
6Candide7

He asked charity of several grave–looking people, who one and allanswered him, that if he continued to follow this trade they would have
him sent to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get hisbread.
He next addressed himself to a person who had just come from
haranguing a numerous assembly for a whole hour on the subject ofcharity. The orator, squinting at him under his broadbrimmed hat, asked
him sternly, what brought him thither and whether he was for the goodold cause?
“Sir,” said Candide, in a submissive manner, “I conceive there canbe no effect without a cause; everything is necessarily concatenated andarranged for the best. It was necessary that I should be banished fromthe presence of Miss Cunegund; that I should afterwards run thegauntlet; and it is necessary I should beg my bread, till I am able to get
it. All this could not have been otherwise.”“Hark ye, friend,” said the orator, “do you hold the Pope to be
Antichrist?”“Truly, I never heard anything about it,” said Candide, “butwhether he is or not, I am in want of something to eat.”“Thou deservest not to eat or to drink,” replied the orator, “wretch,monster, that thou art! hence! avoid my sight, nor ever come near me
again while thou livest.”
The orator’s wife happened to put her head out of the window atthat instant, when, seeing a man who doubted whether the Pope was
Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a utensil full of water. Good
heavens, to what excess does religious zeal transport womankind!
A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist
named James, was witness to the cruel and ignominious treatment
showed to one of his brethren, to a rational, two–footed, unfledged
being. Moved with pity he carried him to his own house, caused him to
be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and made him a present of two
florins, at the same time proposing to instruct him in his own trade ofweaving Persian silks, which are fabricated in Holland.
Candide, penetrated with so much goodness, threw himself at his
feet, crying, “Now I am convinced that my Master Pangloss told me
truth when he said that everything was for the best in this world; for I
am infinitely more affected with your extraordinary generosity thanwith the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black cloak and his wife.”

CHAPTER 4
How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again and
What Happened to Him
The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all
covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head, the end of his nose eaten
off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black as a cloak,
snuffling and coughing most violently, and every time he attempted tospit out dropped a tooth.
Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving way
to the former, bestowed on this shocking figure the two florins which
the honest Anabaptist, James, had just before given to him. The specter
looked at him very earnestly, shed tears and threw his arms about his
neck. Candide started back aghast.
“Alas!” said the one wretch to the other, “don’t you know dear
Pangloss?”“What do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! you I behold in thispiteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has befallen you? What has
made you leave the most magnificent and delightful of all castles?What
has become of Miss Cunegund, the mirror of young ladies, andNature’s masterpiece?”“Oh, Lord!” cried Pangloss, “I am so weak I cannot stand,” uponwhich Candide instantly led him to the Anabaptist’s stable, andprocured him something to eat.
As soon as Pangloss had a little refreshed himself, Candide began
to repeat his inquiries concerning Miss Cunegund.
“She is dead,” replied the other.
“Dead!” cried Candide, and immediately fainted away; his friend
restored him by the help of a little bad vinegar, which he found bychance in the stable.
Candide opened his eyes, and again repeated: “Dead! is Miss
Cunegund dead? Ah, where is the best of worlds now? But of what
illness did she die? Was it of grief on seeing her father kick me out of
his magnificent castle?”“No,” replied Pangloss, “her body was ripped open by the
Bulgarian soldiers, after they had subjected her to as much cruelty as adamsel could survive; they knocked the Baron, her father, on the head8

Candide9

for attempting to defend her; My Lady, her mother, was cut in pieces;my poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister; and as
for the castle, they have not left one stone upon another; they havedestroyed all the ducks, and sheep, the barns, and the trees; but we have
had our revenge, for the Abares have done the very same thing in aneighboring barony, which belonged to a Bulgarian lord.”
At hearing this, Candide fainted away a second time, but, notwithstanding, having come to himself again, he said all that it became
him to say; he inquired into the cause and effect, as well as into thesufficing reason that had reduced Pangloss to so miserable a condition.
“Alas,” replied the preceptor, “it was love; love, the comfort of thehuman species; love, the preserver of the universe; the soul of allsensible beings; love! tender love!”“Alas,” cried Candide, “I have had some knowledge of lovemyself, this sovereign of hearts, this soul of souls; yet it never cost me
more than a kiss and twenty kicks on the backside. But how could thisbeautiful cause produce in you so hideous an effect?”
Pangloss made answer in these terms:“O my dear Candide, you must remember Pacquette, that pretty
wench, who waited on our noble Baroness; in her arms I tasted thepleasures of Paradise, which produced these Hell torments with which
you see me devoured. She was infected with an ailment, and perhaps
has since died of it; she received this present of a learned Franciscan,
who derived it from the fountainhead; he was indebted for it to an oldcountess, who had it of a captain of horse, who had it of a marchioness,
who had it of a page, the page had it of a Jesuit, who, during his
novitiate, had it in a direct line from one of the fellow adventurers ofChristopher Columbus; for my part I shall give it to nobody, I am adying man.”“O sage Pangloss,” cried Candide, “what a strange genealogy isthis!Is not the devil the root of it?”
“Not at all,” replied the great man, “it was a thing unavoidable, anecessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for if Columbus had notcaught in an island in America this disease, which contaminates thesource of generation, and frequently impedes propagation itself, and isevidently opposed to the great end of nature, we should have hadneither chocolate nor cochineal. It is also to be observed, that, even to
the present time, in this continent of ours, this malady, like ourreligious controversies, is peculiar to ourselves.The Turks, the Indians,
the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, and the Japanese are entirely
unacquainted with it; but there is a sufficing reason for them to know it
in a few centuries. In the meantime, it is making prodigious havoc
among us, especially in those armies composed of well disciplined

10VOLTAIRE

hirelings, who determine the fate of nations; for we may safely affirm,that, when an army of thirty thousand men engages another equal insize, there are about twenty thousand infected with syphilis on eachside.”“Very surprising, indeed,” said Candide, “but you must get cured.”“Lord help me, how can I?” said Pangloss. “My dear friend, I havenot a penny in the world; and you know one cannot be bled or have an
enema without money.”This last speech had its effect on Candide; he flew to the charitable
Anabaptist, James; he flung himself at his feet, and gave him so
striking a picture of the miserable condition of his friend that the good
man without any further hesitation agreed to take Dr.Pangloss into his
house, and to pay for his cure. The cure was effected with only the lossof one eye and an ear. As be wrote a good hand, and understoodaccounts tolerably well, the Anabaptist made him his bookkeeper. At
the expiration of two months, being obliged by some mercantile affairs
to go to Lisbon he took the two philosophers with him in the same ship;
Pangloss, during the course of the voyage, explained to him how
everything was so constituted that it could not be better. James did notquite agree with him on this point.
“Men,” said he “must, in some things, have deviated from their
original innocence; for they were not born wolves, and yet they worry
one another like those beasts of prey. God never gave them twenty–
four pounders nor bayonets, and yet they have made cannon andbayonets to destroy one another. To this account I might add not only
bankruptcies, but the law which seizes on the effects of bankrupts, only
to cheat the creditors.”“All this was indispensably necessary,” replied the one–eyed
doctor, “for private misfortunes are public benefits; so that the moreprivate misfortunes there are, the greater is the general good.”
While he was arguing in this manner, the sky was overcast, thewinds blew from the four quarters of the compass, and the ship was
assailed by a most terrible tempest, within sight of the port of Lisbon.

CHAPTER 5
A Tempest, a Shipwreck, an Earthquake, and What Else
Befell Dr. Pangloss, Candide, and James, the Anabaptist
One half of the passengers, weakened and half–dead with theinconceivable anxiety and sickness which the rolling of a vessel at sea
occasions through the whole human frame, were lost to all sense of thedanger that surrounded them. The others made loud outcries, or betookthemselves to their prayers; the sails were blown into shreds, and themasts were brought by the board. The vessel was a total wreck.
Everyone was busily employed, but nobody could be either heard orobeyed. The Anabaptist, being upon deck, lent a helping hand as wellas the rest, when a brutish sailor gave him a blow and laid him
speechless; but, not withstanding, with the violence of the blow the tarhimself tumbled headforemost overboard, and fell upon a piece of thebroken mast, which he immediately grasped.
Honest James, forgetting the injury he had so lately received fromhim, flew to his assistance, and, with great difficulty, hauled him in
again, but, not withstanding, in the attempt, was, by a sudden jerk of
the ship, thrown overboard himself, in sight of the very fellow whom
he had risked his life to save and who took not the least notice of him in
this distress. Candide, who beheld all that passed and saw his
benefactor one moment rising above water, and the next swallowed upby the merciless waves, was preparing to jump after him, but wasprevented by the philosopher Pangloss, who demonstrated to him thatthe roadstead of Lisbon had been made on purpose for the Anabaptist
to be drowned there. While he was proving his argument a priori, theship foundered, and the whole crew perished, except Pangloss,
Candide, and the sailor who had been the means of drowning the good
Anabaptist.The villain swam ashore; but Pangloss and Candide reachedthe land upon a plank.
As soon as they had recovered from their surprise and fatigue theywalked towards Lisbon; with what little money they had left they
thought to save themselves from starving after having escaped
drowning.
Scarcely had they ceased to lament the loss of their benefactor andset foot in the city, when they perceived that the earth trembled under
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their feet, and the sea, swelling and foaming in the harbor, was dashingin pieces the vessels that were riding at anchor. Large sheets of flames
and cinders covered the streets and public places; the houses tottered,and were tumbled topsy–turvy even to their foundations, which werethemselves destroyed, and thirty thousand inhabitants of both sexes,
young and old, were buried beneath the ruins.
The sailor, whistling and swearing, cried, “Damn it, there’s
something to be got here.”“What can be the sufficing reason of this phenomenon?” said
Pangloss.
“It is certainly the day of judgment,” said Candide.
The sailor, defying death in the pursuit of plunder, rushed into the
midst of the ruin, where he found some money, with which he got
drunk, and, after he had slept himself sober he purchased the favors of
the first good–natured wench that came in his way, amidst the ruins ofdemolished houses and the groans of half–buried and expiring persons.
Pangloss pulled him by the sleeve. “Friend,” said he, “this is not
right, you trespass against the universal reason, and have mistaken yourtime.”“Death and zounds!” answered the other, “I am a sailor and wasborn at Batavia, and have trampled four times upon the crucifix in as
many voyages to Japan; you have come to a good hand with youruniversal reason.”In the meantime, Candide, who had been wounded by some piecesof stone that fell from the houses, lay stretched in the street, almost
covered with rubbish.
“For God’s sake,” said he to Pangloss, “get me a little wine andoil! I am dying.”“This concussion of the earth is no new thing,” said Pangloss, “thecity of Lima in South America experienced the same last year; the samecause, the same effects; there is certainly a train of sulphur all the way
underground from Lima to Lisbon.”“Nothing is more probable,” said Candide; “but for the love of God
a little oil and wine.”“Probable!” replied the philosopher, “I maintain that the thing isdemonstrable.”
Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched him some water froma neighboring spring. The next day, in searching among the ruins, theyfound some eatables with which they repaired their exhausted
strength.After this they assisted the inhabitants in relieving the
distressed and wounded. Some, whom they had humanely assisted,gave them as good a dinner as could be expected under such terrible
circumstances. The repast, indeed, was mournful, and the company

Candide13

moistened their bread with their tears; but Pangloss endeavored to
comfort them under this affliction by affirming that things could not beotherwise that they were.
“For,” said he, “all this is for the very best end, for if there is a
volcano at Lisbon it could be in no other spot; and it is impossible but
things should be as they are, for everything is for the best.”
By the side of the preceptor sat a little man dressed in black, who
was one of the familiars of the Inquisition. This person, taking him up
with great complaisance, said, “Possibly, my good sir, you do notbelieve in original sin; for, if everything is best, there could have beenno such thing as the fall or punishment of man.”Your Excellency will pardon me,” answered Pangloss, still morepolitely; “for the fall of man and the curse consequent thereupon
necessarily entered into the system of the best of worlds.”“That is as much as to say, sir,” rejoined the familiar, “you do notbelieve in free will.”“Your Excellency will be so good as to excuse me,” said Pangloss,“free will is consistent with absolute necessity; for it was necessary weshould be free, for in that the will –”Pangloss was in the midst of his proposition, when the familiar
beckoned to his attendant to help him to a glass of port wine.

CHAPTER 6
How the Portuguese Made a Superb Auto–De–Fe toPrevent Any Future Earthquakes, and How Candide
Underwent Public Flagellation
After the earthquake, which had destroyed three–fourths of the cityof Lisbon, the sages of that country could think of no means more
effectual to preserve the kingdom from utter ruin than to entertain thepeople with an auto–da–fe, it having been decided by the University of
Coimbra, that the burning of a few people alive by a slow fire, and withgreat ceremony, is an infallible preventive of earthquakes.
In consequence thereof they had seized on a Biscayan for marrying
his godmother, and on two Portuguese for taking out the bacon of alarded pullet they were eating; after dinner they came and secured
Dr.Pangloss, and his pupil Candide, the one for speaking his mind, andthe other for seeming to approve what he had said. They wereconducted to separate apartments, extremely cool, where they were
never incommoded with the sun. Eight days afterwards they were eachdressed in a sanbenito, and their heads were adorned with paper mitres.
The mitre and sanbenito worn by Candide were painted with flames
reversed and with devils that had neither tails nor claws; but Dr.
Pangloss’s devils had both tails and claws, and his flames were upright.
In these habits they marched in procession, and heard a very pathetic
sermon, which was followed by an anthem, accompanied by bagpipes.
Candide was flogged to some tune, while the anthem was being sung;the Biscayan and the two men who would not eat bacon were burned,
and Pangloss was hanged, which is not a common custom at thesesolemnities. The same day there was another earthquake, which mademost dreadful havoc.
Candide, amazed, terrified, confounded, astonished, all bloody,and trembling from head to foot, said to himself, “If this is the best of
all possible worlds, what are the others? If I had only been whipped, I
could have put up with it, as I did among the Bulgarians; but, notwithstanding, oh my dear Pangloss! my beloved master! thou greatestof philosophers! that ever I should live to see thee hanged, without
knowing for what! O my dear Anabaptist, thou best of men, that itshould be thy fate to be drowned in the very harbor! O Miss Cunegund,14

Candide15

you mirror of young ladies! that it should be your fate to have yourbody ripped open!”He was making the best of his way from the place where he had
been preached to, whipped, absolved and blessed, when he wasaccosted by an old woman, who said to him, “Take courage, child, andfollow me.”

CHAPTER 7
How the Old Woman Took Care Of Candide, and How He
Found the Object of His Love
Candide followed the old woman, though without taking courage,
to a decayed house, where she gave him a pot of pomatum to anoint hissores, showed him a very neat bed, with a suit of clothes hanging by it;
and set victuals and drink before him.
“There,” said she, “eat, drink, and sleep, and may Our Lady ofAtocha, and the great St. Anthony of Padua, and the illustrious
St.James of Compostella, take you under their protection. I shall beback tomorrow.”
Candide, struck with amazement at what he had seen, at what hehad suffered, and still more with the charity of the old woman, would
have shown his acknowledgment by kissing her hand.
“It is not my hand you ought to kiss,” said the old woman. “I shallbe back tomorrow. Anoint your back, eat, and take your rest.”
Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and slept. The
next morning, the old woman brought him his breakfast; examined hisback, and rubbed it herself with another ointment. She returned at theproper time, and brought him his dinner; and at night, she visited him
again with his supper. The next day she observed the same ceremonies.
“Who are you?” said Candide to her. “Who has inspired you withso much goodness? What return can I make you for this charitableassistance?”
The good old beldame kept a profound silence. In the evening she
returned, but without his supper.
“Come along with me,” said she, “but do not speak a word.”
She took him by the arm, and walked with him about a quarter of amile into the country, till they came to a lonely house surrounded withmoats and gardens. The old conductress knocked at a little door, which
was immediately opened, and she showed him up a pair of back stairs,
into a small, but richly furnished apartment. There she made him sit
down on a brocaded sofa, shut the door upon him, and left him.
Candide thought himself in a trance; he looked upon his whole life,
hitherto, as a frightful dream, and the present moment as a very
agreeable one.
16

Candide17

The old woman soon returned, supporting, with great difficulty, ayoung lady, who appeared scarce able to stand. She was of a majestic
mien and stature, her dress was rich, and glittering with diamonds, andher face was covered with a veil.
“Take off that veil,” said the old woman to Candide.
The young man approached, and, with a trembling hand, took off
her veil. What a happy moment! What surprise! He thought he beheldMiss Cunegund; he did behold her – it was she herself. His strength
failed him, he could not utter a word, he fell at her feet. Cunegund
fainted upon the sofa. The old woman bedewed them with spirits; they
recovered – they began to speak. At first they could express themselves
only in broken accents; their questions and answers were alternatelyinterrupted with sighs, tears, and exclamations. The old woman desired
them to make less noise, and after this prudent admonition left them
together.
“Good heavens!” cried Candide, “is it you? Is it Miss Cunegund I
behold, and alive? Do I find you again in Portugal? then you have notbeen ravished? they did not rip open your body, as the philosopher
Pangloss informed me?”“Indeed but they did,” replied Miss Cunegund; “but these two
accidents do not always prove mortal.”“But were your father and mother killed?”“Alas!” answered she, “it is but too true!” and she wept.
“And your brother?”“And my brother also.”“And how came you into Portugal? And how did you know of mybeing here? And by what strange adventure did you contrive to haveme brought into this house? And how –”“I will tell you all,” replied the lady, “but first you must acquaintme with all that has befallen you since the innocent kiss you gave me,
and the rude kicking you received in consequence of it.”
Candide, with the greatest submission, prepared to obey thecommands of his fair mistress; and though he was still filled withamazement, though his voice was low and tremulous, though his backpained him, yet he gave her a most ingenuous account of everythingthat had befallen him, since the moment of their separation. Cunegund,with her eyes uplifted to heaven, shed tears when he related the deathof the good Anabaptist, James, and of Pangloss; after which she thus
related her adventures to Candide, who lost not one syllable she uttered,and seemed to devour her with his eyes all the time she was speaking.

CHAPTER 8
Cunegund’s Story
I was in bed, and fast asleep, when it pleased Heaven to send the
Bulgarians to our delightful castle of Thunder–ten–tronckh, where theymurdered my father and brother, and cut my mother in pieces. A tall
Bulgarian soldier, six feet high, perceiving that I had fainted away atthis sight, attempted to ravish me; the operation brought me to mysenses. I cried, I struggled, I bit, I scratched, I would have torn the tall
Bulgarian’s eyes out, not knowing that what had happened at myfather’s castle was a customary thing. The brutal soldier, enraged at myresistance, gave me a wound in my left leg with his hanger, the mark ofwhich I still carry.”“Methinks I long to see it,” said Candide, with all imaginablesimplicity.
“You shall,” said Cunegund, “but let me proceed.”“Pray do,” replied Candide.
She continued. “A Bulgarian captain came in, and saw meweltering in my blood, and the soldier still as busy as if no one had
been present.The officer, enraged at the fellow’s want of respect tohim, killed him with one stroke of his sabre as he lay upon me. This
captain took care of me, had me cured, and carried me as a prisoner of
war to his quarters. I washed what little linen he possessed, and cooked
his victuals: he was very fond of me, that was certain; neither can I
deny that he was well made, and had a soft, white skin, but he was very
stupid, and knew nothing of philosophy: it might plainly be perceived
that he had not been educated under Dr. Pangloss. In three months,
having gambled away all his money, and having grown tired of me, hesold me to a Jew, named Don Issachar, who traded in Holland andPortugal, and was passionately fond of women. This Jew showed me
great kindness, in hopes of gaining my favors; but he never could
prevail on me to yield. A modest woman may be once ravished; but her
virtue is greatly strengthened thereby. In order to make sure of me, hebrought me to this country house you now see. I had hitherto believedthat nothing could equal the beauty of the castle of Thunder–ten–tronckh; but I found I was mistaken.

18Candide

19“The Grand Inquisitor saw me one day at Mass, ogled me all thetime of service, and when it was over, sent to let me know he wanted to
speak with me about some private business. I was conducted to his
palace, where I told him all my story; he represented to me how much it
was beneath a person of my birth to belong to a circumcised Israelite.
He caused a proposal to be made to Don Issachar, that he should resign
me to His Lordship. Don Issachar, being the court banker and a man of
credit, was not easy to be prevailed upon. His Lordship threatened him
with an auto–da–fe; in short, my Jew was frightened into acompromise, and it was agreed between them, that the house andmyself should belong to both in common; that the Jew should have
Monday, Wednesday, and the Sabbath to himself; and the Inquisitor theother four days of the week. This agreement has subsisted almost six
months; but not without several contests, whether the space from
Saturday night to Sunday morning belonged to the old or the newlaw.For my part, I have hitherto withstood them both, and truly I
believe this is the very reason why they are both so fond of me.
“At length to turn aside the scourge of earthquakes, and to
intimidate Don Issachar, My Lord Inquisitor was pleased to celebrate
an auto–da–fe. He did me the honor to invite me to the ceremony. I had
a very good seat; and refreshments of all kinds were offered the ladies
between Mass and the execution. I was dreadfully shocked at theburning of the two Jews, and the honest Biscayan who married his
godmother; but how great was my surprise, my consternation, andconcern, when I beheld a figure so like Pangloss, dressed in a sanbenito
and mitre! I rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively.I saw him
hanged, and I fainted away: scarce had I recovered my senses, when I
saw you stripped of clothing; this was the height of horror, grief, anddespair. I must confess to you for a truth, that your skin is whiter andmore blooming than that of the Bulgarian captain. This spectacle
worked me up to a pitch of distraction. I screamed out, and would have
said, ‘Hold, barbarians!’ but my voice failed me; and indeed my cries
would have signified nothing. After you had been severely whipped, I
said to myself, ‘How is it possible that the lovely Candide and the sage
Pangloss should be at Lisbon, the one to receive a hundred lashes, andthe other to be hanged by order of My Lord Inquisitor, of whom I am
so great a favorite? Pangloss deceived me most cruelly, in saying thateverything is for the best.’“Thus agitated and perplexed, now distracted and lost, now half
dead with grief, I revolved in my mind the murder of my father,mother, and brother, committed before my eyes; the insolence of therascally Bulgarian soldier; the wound he gave me in the groin; myservitude; my being a cook–wench to my Bulgarian captain; my20

VOLTAIRE

subjection to the hateful Jew, and my cruel Inquisitor; the hanging ofDoctor Pangloss; the Miserere sung while you were being whipped;
and particularly the kiss I gave you behind the screen, the last day I
ever beheld you. I returned thanks to God for having brought you to theplace where I was, after so many trials. I charged the old woman who
attends me to bring you hither as soon as was convenient. She has
punctually executed my orders, and I now enjoy the inexpressible
satisfaction of seeing you, hearing you, and speaking to you. But you
must certainly be half–dead with hunger; I myself have a great
inclination to eat, and so let us sit down to supper.”Upon this the two lovers immediately placed themselves at table,
and, after having supped, they returned to seat themselves again on themagnificent sofa already mentioned, where they were in amorous
dalliance, when Senor Don Issachar, one of the masters of the house,
entered unexpectedly; it was the Sabbath day, and he came to enjoy his
privilege, and sigh forth his passion at the feet of the fair Cunegund.

CHAPTER 9
What Happened to Cunegund, Candide, the Grand
Inquisitor, and the Jew
This same Issachar was the most choleric little Hebrew that had
ever been in Israel since the captivity of Babylon.
“What,” said he, “thou Galilean slut? The Inquisitor was notenough for thee, but this rascal must come in for a share with me?”
In uttering these words, he drew out a long poniard, which healways carried about him, and never dreaming that his adversary had
any arms, he attacked him most furiously; but our honest Westphalian
had received from the old woman a handsome sword with the suit ofclothes.Candide drew his rapier, and though he was very gentle andsweet–tempered, he laid the Israelite dead on the floor at the fair
Cunegund’s feet.
“Holy Virgin!” cried she, “what will become of us? A man killed
in my apartment! If the peace–officers come, we are undone.”“Had not Pangloss been hanged,” replied Candide, “he would havegiven us most excellent advice, in this emergency; for he was aprofound philosopher. But, since he is not here, let us consult the oldwoman.”She was very sensible, and was beginning to give her advice, whenanother door opened on a sudden. It was now one o’clock in themorning, and of course the beginning of Sunday, which, by agreement,
fell to the lot of My Lord Inquisitor. Entering he discovered theflagellated Candide with his drawn sword in his hand, a dead body
stretched on the floor, Cunegund frightened out of her wits, and the oldwoman giving advice.
At that very moment, a sudden thought came into Candide’s
head.”If this holy man,” thought he, “should call assistance, I shallmost undoubtedly be consigned to the flames, and Miss Cunegund may
perhaps meet with no better treatment: besides, he was the cause of mybeing so cruelly whipped; he is my rival; and as I have now begun to
dip my hands in blood, I will kill away, for there is no time to hesitate.”
This whole train of reasoning was clear and instantaneous; so that,without giving time to the Inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he ran
him through the body, and laid him by the side of the Jew.
21

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VOLTAIRE“Here’s another fine piece of work!” cried Cunegund. “Now there
can be no mercy for us, we are excommunicated; our last hour is come.
But how could you, who are of so mild a temper, despatch a Jew and an
Inquisitor in two minutes’ time?”“Beautiful maiden,” answered Candide, “when a man is in love, isjealous, and has been flogged by the Inquisition, he becomes lost to allreflection.”
The old woman then put in her word:“There are three Andalusian horses in the stable, with as many
bridles and saddles; let the brave Candide get them ready. Madam has aparcel of moidores and jewels, let us mount immediately, though I havelost one buttock; let us set out for Cadiz; it is the finest weather in theworld, and there is great pleasure in traveling in the cool of the night.”
Candide, without any further hesitation, saddled the three horses;
and Miss Cunegund, the old woman, and he, set out, and traveled thirty
miles without once halting. While they were making the best of theirway, the Holy Brotherhood entered the house. My Lord, the Inquisitor,
was interred in a magnificent manner, and Master Issachar’s body was
thrown upon a dunghill.
Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman, had by this time reachedthe little town of Avacena, in the midst of the mountains of Sierra
Morena, and were engaged in the following conversation in an inn,where they had taken up their quarters.

CHAPTER 10
In What Distress Candide, Cunegund, and the Old
Woman Arrive at Cadiz, and Of Their Embarkation
Who could it be that has robbed me of my moidores and jewels?”
exclaimed Miss Cunegund, all bathed in tears. “How shall we live?
What shall we do? Where shall I find Inquisitors and Jews who cangive me more?”“Alas!” said the old woman, “I have a shrewd suspicion of areverend Franciscan father, who lay last night in the same inn with us at
Badajoz. God forbid I should condemn any one wrongfully, but hecame into our room twice, and he set off in the morning long beforeus.”“Alas!” said Candide, “Pangloss has often demonstrated to me thatthe goods of this world are common to all men, and that everyone has
an equal right to the enjoyment of them; but, not withstanding,according to these principles, the Franciscan ought to have left us
enough to carry us to the end of our journey. Have you nothing at all
left, my dear Miss Cunegund?”“Not a maravedi,” replied she.
“What is to be done then?” said Candide.
“Sell one of the horses,” replied the old woman. “I will get up
behind Miss Cunegund, though I have only one buttock to ride on, andwe shall reach Cadiz.”In the same inn there was a Benedictine friar, who bought thehorse very cheap. Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman, after
passing through Lucina, Chellas, and Letrixa, arrived at length at
Cadiz. A fleet was then getting ready, and troops were assembling inorder to induce the reverend fathers, Jesuits of Paraguay, who wereaccused of having excited one of the Indian tribes in the neighborhoodof the town of the Holy Sacrament, to revolt against the Kings of Spain
and Portugal.
Candide, having been in the Bulgarian service, performed themilitary exercise of that nation before the general of this little army
with so intrepid an air, and with such agility and expedition, that hereceived the command of a company of foot. Being now made acaptain, he embarked with Miss Cunegund, the old woman, two valets,
23

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VOLTAIRE

and the two Andalusian horses, which had belonged to the Grand
Inquisitor of Portugal.
During their voyage they amused themselves with many profoundreasonings on poor Pangloss’s philosophy.
“We are now going into another world, and surely it must be therethat everything is for the best; for I must confess that we have had somelittle reason to complain of what passes in ours, both as to the physicaland moral part. Though I have a sincere love for you,” said Miss
Cunegund, “yet I still shudder at the reflection of what I have seen andexperienced.”“All will be well,” replied Candide, “the sea of this new world isalready better than our European seas: it is smoother, and the winds
blow more regularly.”“God grant it,” said Cunegund, “but I have met with such terrible
treatment in this world that I have almost lost all hopes of a better one.”“What murmuring and complaining is here indeed!” cried the oldwoman. “If you had suffered half what I have, there might be somereason for it.”Miss Cunegund could scarce refrain from laughing at the good oldwoman, and thought it droll enough to pretend to a greater share of
misfortunes than her own.
“Alas! my good dame,” said she, “unless you had been ravished by
two Bulgarians, had received two deep wounds in your belly, had seen
two of your own castles demolished, had lost two fathers, and two
mothers, and seen both of them barbarously murdered before your eyes,
and to sum up all, had two lovers whipped at an auto–da–fe, I cannot
see how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add to this, though borna baroness, and bearing seventy–two quarterings, I have been reduced
to the station of a cook–wench.”“Miss,” replied the old woman, “you do not know my family as
yet; but if I were to show you my posteriors, you would not talk in thismanner, but suspend your judgment.” This speech raised a highcuriosity in Candide and Cunegund; and the old woman continued asfollows.

C H A P T E R 11
The History of the Old Woman
I have not always been blear–eyed. My nose did not always touch
my chin; nor was I always a servant. You must know that I am thedaughter of Pope Urban X, and of the Princess of Palestrina. To the ageof fourteen I was brought up in a castle, compared with which all thecastles of the German barons would not have been fit for stabling, andone of my robes would have bought half the province of Westphalia. I
grew up, and improved in beauty, wit, and every gracefulaccomplishment; and in the midst of pleasures, homage, and the highest
expectations. I already began to inspire the men with love. My breast
began to take its right form, and such a breast! white, firm, and formed
like that of the Venus de’ Medici; my eyebrows were as black as jet,and as for my eyes, they darted flames and eclipsed the luster of thestars, as I was told by the poets of our part of the world. My maids,
when they dressed and undressed me, used to fall into an ecstasy inviewing me before and behind; and all the men longed to be in theirplaces.
“I was contracted in marriage to a sovereign prince of Massa
Carrara. Such a prince! as handsome as myself, sweet–tempered,agreeable, witty, and in love with me over head and ears. I loved him,
too, as our sex generally do for the first time, with rapture, transport,
and idolatry. The nuptials were prepared with surprising pomp andmagnificence; the ceremony was attended with feasts, carousals, andburlesques: all Italy composed sonnets in my praise, though not one ofthem was tolerable.
“I was on the point of reaching the summit of bliss, when an oldmarchioness, who had been mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited
him to drink chocolate. In less than two hours after he returned fromthe visit, he died of most terrible convulsions.
“But this is a mere trifle. My mother, distracted to the highest
degree, and yet less afflicted than I, determined to absent herself forsome time from so fatal a place. As she had a very fine estate in theneighborhood of Gaeta, we embarked on board a galley, which was
gilded like the high altar of St. Peter’s, at Rome. In our passage wewere boarded by a Sallee rover. Our men defended themselves like true25

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VOLTAIRE

Pope’s soldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, laid down
their arms, and begged the corsair to give them absolution in articulo
mortis.
“The Moors presently stripped us as bare as ever we were born.
My mother, my maids of honor, and myself, were served all in thesame manner. It is amazing how quick these gentry are at undressing
people.But what surprised me most was, that they made a rude sort ofsurgical examination of parts of the body which are sacred to thefunctions of nature. I thought it a very strange kind of ceremony; forthus we are generally apt to judge of things when we have not seen theworld. I afterwards learned that it was to discover if we had any
diamonds concealed. This practice had been established since time
immemorial among those civilized nations that scour the seas. I was
informed that the religious Knights of Malta never fail to make thissearch whenever any Moors of either sex fall into their hands. It is apart of the law of nations, from which they never deviate.
“I need not tell you how great a hardship it was for a young
princess and her mother to be made slaves and carried to Morocco.You
may easily imagine what we must have suffered on board a corsair. My
mother was still extremely handsome, our maids of honor, and even ourcommon waiting–women, had more charms than were to be found in
all Africa.
“As to myself, I was enchanting; I was beauty itself, and then I had
my virginity. But, alas! I did not retain it long; this precious flower,
which had been reserved for the lovely Prince of Massa Carrara, wascropped by the captain of the Moorish vessel, who was a hideous
Negro, and thought he did me infinite honor. Indeed, both the Princessof Palestrina and myself must have had very strong constitutions toundergo all the hardships and violences we suffered before our arrivalat Morocco. But I will not detain you any longer with such common
things; they are hardly worth mentioning.
“Upon our arrival at Morocco we found that kingdom deluged withblood. Fifty sons of the Emperor Muley Ishmael were each at the headof a party. This produced fifty civil wars of blacks against blacks, of
tawnies against tawnies, and of mulattoes against mulattoes. In short,the whole empire was one continued scene of carnage.
“No sooner were we landed than a party of blacks, of a contrary
faction to that of my captain, came to rob him of his booty. Next to themoney and jewels, we were the most valuable things he had. I
witnessed on this occasion such a battle as you never beheld in yourcold European climates. The northern nations have not thatfermentation in their blood, nor that raging lust for women that is socommon in Africa. The natives of Europe seem to have their veinsCandide27

filled with milk only; but fire and vitriol circulate in those of the
inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighboring provinces. They foughtwith the fury of the lions, tigers, and serpents of their country, to decide
who should have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm, while
my captain’s lieutenant held her by the left; another Moor laid hold ofher by the right leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. In
this manner almost all of our women were dragged by four soldiers.
“My captain kept me concealed behind him, and with his drawn
scimitar cut down everyone who opposed him; at length I saw all our
Italian women and my mother mangled and torn in pieces by themonsters who contended for them. The captives, my companions, theMoors who took us, the soldiers, the sailors, the blacks, the whites, themulattoes, and lastly, my captain himself, were all slain, and I remainedalone expiring upon a heap of dead bodies. Similar barbarous scenes
were transacted every day over the whole country, which is of threehundred leagues in extent, and yet they never missed the five statedtimes of prayer enjoined by their prophet Mahomet.
“I disengaged myself with great difficulty from such a heap ofcorpses, and made a shift to crawl to a large orange tree that stood on
the bank of a neighboring rivulet, where I fell down exhausted with
fatigue, and overwhelmed with horror, despair, and hunger. My senses
being overpowered, I fell asleep, or rather seemed to be in a trance.
Thus I lay in a state of weakness and insensibility between life anddeath, when I felt myself pressed by something that moved up anddown upon my body. This brought me to myself. I opened my eyes,and saw a pretty fair–faced man, who sighed and muttered these words
between his teeth, ‘O che sciagura d’essere senza coglioni!”’CHAPTER 12
The Adventures of the Old Woman Continued
Astonished and delighted to hear my native language, and no lesssurprised at the young man’s words, I told him that there were far
greater misfortunes in the world than what he complained of. And toconvince him of it, I gave him a short history of the horrible disasters
that had befallen me; and as soon as I had finished, fell into a swoon
again.
“He carried me in his arms to a neighboring cottage, where he hadme put to bed, procured me something to eat, waited on me with thegreatest attention, comforted me, caressed me, told me that he had
never seen anything so perfectly beautiful as myself, and that he had
never so much regretted the loss of what no one could restore to him.
“‘I was born at Naples,’ said he, ‘where they make eunuchs ofthousands of children every year; some die of the operation; someacquire voices far beyond the most tuneful of your ladies; and others
are sent to govern states and empires. I underwent this operation very
successfully, and was one of the singers in the Princess of Palestrina’s
chapel.’“‘How,’ cried I, ‘in my mother’s chapel!’“‘The Princess of Palestrina, your mother!’ cried he, bursting into aflood of tears. ‘Is it possible you should be the beautiful young princess
whom I had the care of bringing up till she was six years old, and whoat that tender age promised to be as fair as I now behold you?’“‘I am the same,’ I replied. ‘My mother lies about a hundred yards
from here cut in pieces and buried under a heap of dead bodies.’“I then related to him all that had befallen me, and he in returnacquainted me with all his adventures, and how he had been sent to thecourt of the King of Morocco by a Christian prince to conclude a treaty
with that monarch; in consequence of which he was to be furnishedwith military stores, and ships to destroy the commerce of other
Christian governments.
“‘I have executed my commission,’ said the eunuch; ‘I am going totake ship at Ceuta, and I’ll take you along with me to Italy. Ma che
sciagura d’essere senza coglioni!’28

Candide29“I thanked him with tears of joy, but, not withstanding, instead oftaking me with him to Italy, he carried me to Algiers, and sold me to
the Dey of that province. I had not been long a slave when the plague,
which had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and Europe, broke out at
Algiers with redoubled fury. You have seen an earthquake; but tell me,
miss, have you ever had the plague?”“Never,” answered the young Baroness.
“If you had ever had it,” continued the old woman, “you would
own an earthquake was a trifle to it. It is very common in Africa; I wasseized with it. Figure to yourself the distressed condition of thedaughter of a Pope, only fifteen years old, and who in less than threemonths had felt the miseries of poverty and slavery; had been
debauched almost every day; had beheld her mother cut into four
quarters; had experienced the scourges of famine and war; and was now
dying of the plague at Algiers. I did not, however, die of it; but myeunuch, and the Dey, and almost the whole seraglio of Algiers, were
swept off.
“As soon as the first fury of this dreadful pestilence was over, asale was made of the Dey’s slaves. I was purchased by a merchant who
carried me to Tunis. This man sold me to another merchant, who soldme again to another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I was sold to Alexandria,
from Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to Constantinople. Aftermany changes, I at length became the property of an Aga of theJanissaries, who, soon after I came into his possession, was orderedaway to the defense of Azoff, then besieged by the Russians.
“The Aga, being very fond of women, took his whole seraglio withhim, and lodged us in a small fort, with two black eunuchs and twenty
soldiers for our guard. Our army made a great slaughter among theRussians; but they soon returned us the compliment. Azoff was taken
by storm, and the enemy spared neither age, sex, nor condition, but put
all to the sword, and laid the city in ashes. Our little fort alone held out;
they resolved to reduce us by famine.The twenty janissaries, who wereleft to defend it, had bound themselves by an oath never to surrender
the place. Being reduced to the extremity of famine, they foundthemselves obliged to kill our two eunuchs, and eat them rather thanviolate their oath. But this horrible repast soon failing them, they next
determined to devour the women.
“We had a very pious and humane man, who gave them a mostexcellent sermon on this occasion, exhorting them not to kill us all at
once. ‘Cut off only one of the buttocks of each of those ladies,’ said he,‘and you will fare extremely well; if you are under the necessity of
having recourse to the same expedient again, you will find the like

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supply a few days hence. Heaven will approve of so charitable anaction, and work your deliverance.’“By the force of this eloquence he easily persuaded them, and allof us underwent the operation. The man applied the same balsam as
they do to children after circumcision. We were all ready to give up theghost.
“The Janissaries had scarcely time to finish the repast with which
we had supplied them, when the Russians attacked the place by meansof flat–bottomed boats, and not a single janissary escaped. The
Russians paid no regard to the condition we were in; but there are
French surgeons in all parts of the world, and one of them took us
under his care, and cured us. I shall never forget, while I live, that assoon as my wounds were perfectly healed he made me certain
proposals. In general, he desired us all to be of a good cheer, assuring
us that the like had happened in many sieges; and that it was perfectly
agreeable to the laws of war.
“As soon as my companions were in a condition to walk, they weresent to Moscow. As for me, I fell to the lot of a Boyard, who put me towork in his garden, and gave me twenty lashes a day. But thisnobleman having about two years afterwards been broken alive upon
the wheel, with about thirty others, for some court intrigues, I took
advantage of the event, and made my escape. I traveled over a greatpart of Russia. I was a long time an innkeeper’s servant at Riga, then at
Rostock, Wismar, Leipsic, Cassel, Utrecht, Leyden, The Hague, andRotterdam. I have grown old in misery and disgrace, living with only
one buttock, and having in perpetual remembrance that I am a Pope’s
daughter. I have been a hundred times upon the point of killing myself,
but still I was fond of life. This ridiculous weakness is, perhaps, one ofthe dangerous principles implanted in our nature. For what can be moreabsurd than to persist in carrying a burden of which we wish to beeased? to detest, and yet to strive to preserve our existence? In a word,
to caress the serpent that devours us, and hug him close to our bosoms
till he has gnawed into our hearts?
“In the different countries which it has been my fate to traverse,
and at the many inns where I have been a servant, I have observed a
prodigious number of people who held their existence in abhorrence,and yet I never knew more than twelve who voluntarily put an end totheir misery; namely, three Negroes, four Englishmen, as many
Genevese, and a German professor named Robek. My last place waswith the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed me near your person, my fairlady; to whose fortunes I have attached myself, and have been moreconcerned with your adventures than with my own. I should never haveeven mentioned the latter to you, had you not a little piqued me on theCandide31

head of sufferings; and if it were not customary to tell stories on board
a ship in order to pass away the time.
“In short, my dear miss, I have a great deal of knowledge andexperience in the world, therefore take my advice: divert yourself, andprevail upon each passenger to tell his story, and if there is one of them
all that has not cursed his existence many times, and said to himself
over and over again that he was the most wretched of mortals, I giveyou leave to throw me headfirst into the sea.”CHAPTER 13
How Candide Was Obliged to Leave the Fair Cunegund
and the Old Woman
The fair Cunegund, being thus made acquainted with the history of
the old woman’s life and adventures, paid her all the respect andcivility due to a person of her rank and merit. She very readily acceded
to her proposal of engaging the passengers to relate their adventures intheir turns, and was at length, as well as Candide, compelled toacknowledge that the old woman was in the right.
“It is a thousand pities,” said Candide, “that the sage Pangloss
should have been hanged contrary to the custom of an auto–da–fe, for
he would have given us a most admirable lecture on the moral andphysical evil which overspreads the earth and sea; and I think I shouldhave courage enough to presume to offer (with all due respect) somefew objections.”
While everyone was reciting his adventures, the ship continued on
her way, and at length arrived at Buenos Ayres, where Cunegund,
Captain Candide, and the old woman, landed and went to wait upon thegovernor, Don Fernando d’Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y
Lampourdos y Souza. This nobleman carried himself with ahaughtiness suitable to a person who bore so many names. He spokewith the most noble disdain to everyone, carried his nose so high,strained his voice to such a pitch, assumed so imperious an air, andstalked with so much loftiness and pride, that everyone who had thehonor of conversing with him was violently tempted to bastinade His
Excellency. He was immoderately fond of women, and Miss Cunegund
appeared in his eyes a paragon of beauty. The first thing he did was to
ask her if she was not the captain’s wife. The air with which he madethis demand alarmed Candide, who did not dare to say he was married
to her, because indeed he was not; neither did he venture to say she washis sister, because she was not; and though a lie of this nature proved ofgreat service to one of the ancients, and might possibly be useful tosome of the moderns, yet the purity of his heart would not permit him
to violate the truth.

32

Candide33“Miss Cunegund,” replied he, “is to do me the honor to marry me,
and we humbly beseech Your Excellency to condescend to grace theceremony with your presence.”
Don Fernando d’Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y
Souza, twirling his mustachio, and putting on a sarcastic smile, ordered
Captain Candide to go and review his company. The gentle Candide
obeyed, and the Governor was left with Miss Cunegund. He made her astrong declaration of love, protesting that he was ready to give her hishand in the face of the Church, or otherwise, as should appear mostagreeable to a young lady of her prodigious beauty.Cunegund desired
leave to retire a quarter of an hour to consult the old woman, anddetermine how she should proceed.
The old woman gave her the following counsel:“Miss, you have seventy–two quarterings in your arms, it is true,
but you have not a penny to bless yourself with. It is your own fault if
you do not become the wife of one of the greatest noblemen in SouthAmerica, with an exceeding fine mustachio. What business have you to
pride yourself upon an unshaken constancy? You have been outraged
by a Bulgarian soldier; a Jew and an Inquisitor have both tasted of yourfavors. People take advantage of misfortunes. I must confess, were I in
your place, I should, without the least scruple, give my hand to theGovernor, and thereby make the fortune of the brave Captain Candide.”
While the old woman was thus haranguing, with all the prudence
that old age and experience furnish, a small bark entered the harbor, inwhich was an alcayde and his alguazils. Matters had fallen out asfollows.
The old woman rightly guessed that the Franciscan with the long
sleeves, was the person who had taken Miss Cunegund’s money andjewels, while they and Candide were at Badajoz, in their flight from
Lisbon. This same friar attempted to sell some of the diamonds to ajeweler, who presently knew them to have belonged to the Grand
Inquisitor, and stopped them. The Franciscan, before he was hanged,
acknowledged that he had stolen them and described the persons, andthe road they had taken. The flight of Cunegund and Candide wasalready the towntalk. They sent in pursuit of them to Cadiz; and thevessel which had been sent to make the greater dispatch, had now
reached the port of Buenos Ayres. A report was spread that an alcayde
was going to land, and that he was in pursuit of the murderers of My
Lord, the Inquisitor. The sage old woman immediately saw what was tobe done.
“You cannot run away,” said she to Cunegund, “but you havenothing to fear; it was not you who killed My Lord Inquisitor: besides,

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as the Governor is in love with you, he will not suffer you to be ill–
treated; therefore stand your ground.”Then hurrying away to Candide, she said, “Be gone hence thisinstant, or you will be burned alive.”
Candide found there was no time to be lost; but how could he partfrom Cunegund, and whither must he fly for shelter?

CHAPTER 14
The Reception Candide and Cacambo Met with among
the Jesuits in Paraguay
Candide had brought with him from Cadiz such a footman as one
often meets with on the coasts of Spain and in the colonies. He was the
fourth part of a Spaniard, of a mongrel breed, and born in Tucuman. He
had successively gone through the profession of a singing boy, sexton,
sailor, monk, peddler, soldier, and lackey. His name was Cacambo; he
had a great affection for his master, because his master was a very goodman. He immediately saddled the two Andalusian horses.
“Come, my good master, let us follow the old woman’s advice, andmake all the haste we can from this place without staying to lookbehind us.”Candide burst into a flood of tears, “O my dear Cunegund, must I
then be compelled to quit you just as the Governor was going to honor
us with his presence at our wedding! Cunegund, so long lost and foundagain, what will now become of you?”“Lord!” said Cacambo, ‘she must do as well as she can; women arenever at a loss. God takes care of them, and so let us make the best of
our way.”“But whither wilt thou carry me? where can we go? what can we
do without Cunegund?” cried the disconsolate Candide.
“By St. James of Compostella,” said Cacambo, “you were going tofight against the Jesuits of Paraguay; now let us go and fight for them; I
know the road perfectly well; I’ll conduct you to their kingdom; they
will be delighted with a captain that understands the Bulgarian drill;
you will certainly make a prodigious fortune. If we cannot succeed inthis world we may in another. It is a great pleasure to see new objects
and perform new exploits.”“Then you have been in Paraguay?” asked Candide.
“Ay, marry, I have,” replied Cacambo. “I was a scout in theCollege of the Assumption, and am as well acquainted with the new
government of the Los Padres as I am with the streets of Cadiz. Oh, it isan admirable government, that is most certain! The kingdom is atpresent upwards of three hundred leagues in diameter, and divided into
thirty provinces; the fathers there are masters of everything, and the35

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VOLTAIRE

people have no money at all; this you must allow is the masterpiece ofjustice and reason. For my part, I see nothing so divine as the good
fathers, who wage war in this part of the world against the troops ofSpain and Portugal, at the same time that they hear the confessions of
those very princes in Europe; who kill Spaniards in America and send
them to Heaven at Madrid. This pleases me exceedingly, but let us pushforward; you are going to see the happiest and most fortunate of allmortals. How charmed will those fathers be to hear that a captain who
understands the Bulgarian military drill is coming to them.”
As soon as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo called to theadvance guard, and told them that a captain wanted to speak to My
Lord, the General. Notice was given to the main guard, andimmediately a Paraguayan officer ran to throw himself at the feet of the
Commandant to impart this news to him. Candide and Cacambo wereimmediately disarmed, and their two Andalusian horses were seized.
The two strangers were conducted between two files of musketeers, theCommandant was at the further end with a three–cornered cap on his
head, his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a half–pike in his
hand; he made a sign, and instantly four and twenty soldiers drew up
round the newcomers. A sergeant told them that they must wait, theCommandant could not speak to them; and that the Reverend Father
Provincial did not suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth but in his
presence, or to stay above three hours in the province.
“And where is the Reverend Father Provincial?” said Cacambo.
“He has just come from Mass and is at the parade,” replied thesergeant, “and in about three hours’ time you may possibly have thehonor to kiss his spurs.”“But,” said Cacambo, “the Captain, who, as well as myself, isperishing of hunger, is no Spaniard, but a German; therefore, pray,
might we not be permitted to break our fast till we can be introduced to
His Reverence?”
The sergeant immediately went and acquainted the Commandantwith what he heard.
“God be praised,” said the Reverend Commandant, “since he is a
German I will hear what he has to say; let him be brought to my arbor.”
Immediately they conducted Candide to a beautiful pavilion
adomed with a colonnade of green marble, spotted with yellow, andwith an intertexture of vines, which served as a kind of cage for parrots,
humming birds, guinea hens, and all other curious kinds of birds. An
excellent breakfast was provided in vessels of gold; and while theParaguayans were eating coarse Indian corn out of wooden dishes in
the open air, and exposed to the burning heat of the sun, the Reverend
Father Commandant retired to his cool arbor.

Candide37

He was a very handsome young man, round–faced, fair, and fresh–
colored, his eyebrows were finely arched, he had a piercing eye, thetips of his ears were red, his lips vermilion, and he had a bold andcommanding air; but such a boldness as neither resembled that of a
Spaniard nor of a Jesuit. He ordered Candide and Cacambo to havetheir arms restored to them, together with their two Andalusianhorses.Cacambo gave the poor beasts some oats to eat close by thearbor, keeping a strict eye upon them all the while for fear of surprise.
Candide having kissed the hem of the Commandant’s robe, theysat down to table.
“It seems you are a German,” said the Jesuit to him in that
language.
“Yes, Reverend Father,” answered Candide.
As they pronounced these words they looked at each other withgreat amazement and with an emotion that neither could conceal.
“From what part of Germany do you come?” said the Jesuit.
“From the dirty province of Westphalia,” answered Candide.
“I was born in the castle of Thunder–ten–tronckh.”“Oh heavens! is it possible?” said the Commandant.
“What a miracle!” cried Candide.
“Can it be you?” said the Commandant.
On this they both drew a few steps backwards, then running into
each other’s arms, embraced, and wept profusely.
“Is it you then, Reverend Father? You are the brother of the fairMiss Cunegund? You that was slain by the Bulgarians! You theBaron’s son! You a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange
world we live in. O Pangloss! what joy would this have given you if
you had not been hanged.”
The Commandant dismissed the Negro slaves, and theParaguayans who presented them with liquor in crystal goblets. He
returned thanks to God and St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped
Candide in his arms, and both their faces were bathed in tears.
“You will be more surprised, more affected, more transported,”said Candide, “when I tell you that Miss Cunegund, your sister, whose
belly was supposed to have been ripped open, is in perfect health.”“In your neighborhood, with the Governor of Buenos Ayres; and I
myself was going to fight against you.”
Every word they uttered during this long conversation was
productive of some new matter of astonishment. Their souls flutteredon their tongues, listened in their ears, and sparkled in their eyes. Like
true Germans, they continued a long while at table, waiting for the
Reverend Father; and the Commandant spoke to his dear Candide as
follows.

CHAPTER 15
How Candide Killed the Brother of His Dear Cunegund
Never while I live shall I lose the remembrance of that horrible dayon which I saw my father and mother barbarously butchered before myeyes, and my sister ravished. When the Bulgarians retired we searchedin vain for my dear sister. She was nowhere to be found; but the bodies
of my father, mother, and myself, with two servant maids and threelittle boys, all of whom had been murdered by the remorseless enemy,
were thrown into a cart to be buried in a chapel belonging to the Jesuits,
within two leagues of our family seat. A Jesuit sprinkled us with someholy water, which was confounded salty, and a few drops of it went
into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids stirred a little; he put
his hand upon my breast and felt my heartbeat; upon which he gave me
proper assistance, and at the end of three weeks I was perfectly
recovered. You know, my dear Candide, I was very handsome; I
became still more so, and the Reverend Father Croust, superior of thathouse, took a great fancy to me; he gave me the habit of the order, andsome years afterwards I was sent to Rome. Our General stood in needof new recruits of young German Jesuits. The sovereigns of Paraguay
admit of as few Spanish Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of othernations, as being more obedient to command. The Reverend Father
General looked upon me as a proper person to work in that vineyard. I
set out in company with a Polander and a Tyrolese. Upon my arrival I
was honored with a subdeaconship and a lieutenancy. Now I am
colonel and priest. We shall give a warm reception to the King of
Spain’s troops; I can assure you they will be well excommunicated andbeaten. Providence has sent you hither to assist us. But is it true that mydear sister Cunegund is in the neighborhood with the Governor of
Buenos Ayres?”
Candide swore that nothing could be more true; and the tears
began again to trickle down their cheeks. The Baron knew no end ofembracing Candide, be called him his brother, his deliverer.
“Perhaps,” said he, “my dear Candide, we shall be fortunate
enough to enter the town, sword in hand, and recover my sister
Cunegund.”38

Candide39“Ah! that would crown my wishes,” replied Candide; “for I
intended to marry her; and I hope I shall still be able to effect it.”“Insolent fellow!” cried the Baron. “You! you have the impudence
to marry my sister, who bears seventy–two quarterings! Really, I think
you have an insufferable degree of assurance to dare so much as tomention such an audacious design to me.”Candide, thunderstruck at the oddness of this speech, answered:“Reverend Father, all the quarterings in the world are of no
signification. I have delivered your sister from a Jew and an Inquisitor;
she is under many obligations to me, and she is resolved to give me her
hand. My master, Pangloss, always told me that mankind are by natureequal. Therefore, you may depend upon it that I will marry your sister.”“We shall see to that, villain!” said the Jesuit, Baron of Thunder–
ten–tronckh, and struck him across the face with the flat side of hissword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier and plunged it up to thehilt in the Jesuit’s body; but in pulling it out reeking hot, he burst intotears.
“Good God!” cried he, “I have killed my old master, my friend, mybrother–in–law. I am the best man in the world, and yet I have alreadykilled three men, and of these three, two were priests.”
Cacambo, who was standing sentry near the door of the arbor,
instantly ran up.
“Nothing remains,” said his master, “but to sell our lives as dearlyas possible; they will undoubtedly look into the arbor; we must die
sword in hand.”Cacambo, who had seen many of this kind of adventures, was notdiscouraged. He stripped the Baron of his Jesuit’s habit and put it upon
Candide, then gave him the dead man’s three–cornered cap and madehim mount on horseback. All this was done as quick as thought.
“Gallop, master,” cried Cacambo; “everybody will take you for a
Jesuit going to give orders; and we shall have passed the frontiers
before they will be able to overtake us.”
He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish,“Make way; make way for the Reverend Father Colonel.”

CHAPTER 16
What Happened to Our Two Travelers with Two Girls,
Two Monkeys, and the Savages, Called Oreillons
Candide and his valet had already passed the frontiers before it was
known that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had takencare to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, some ham, some fruit, anda few bottles of wine. They penetrated with their Andalusian horses
into a strange country, where they could discover no beaten path. At
length a beautiful meadow, intersected with purling rills, opened totheir view. Cacambo proposed to his master to take some nourishment,
and he set him an example.
“How can you desire me to feast upon ham, when I have killed theBaron’s son and am doomed never more to see the beautiful
Cunegund?What will it avail me to prolong a wretched life that must be
spent far from her in remorse and despair? And then what will thejournal of Trevoux say?” was Candide’s reply.
While he was making these reflections he still continued eating.
The sun was now on the point of setting when the ears of our two
wanderers were assailed with cries which seemed to be uttered by afemale voice.They could not tell whether these were cries of grief or ofjoy; however, they instantly started up, full of that inquietude andapprehension which a strange place naturally inspires. The cries
proceeded from two young women who were tripping disrobed along
the mead, while two monkeys followed close at their heels biting attheir limbs. Candide was touched with compassion; he had learned toshoot while he was among the Bulgarians, and he could hit a filbert in ahedge without touching a leaf. Accordingly he took up his double–
barrelled Spanish gun, pulled the trigger, and laid the two monkeys
lifeless on the ground.
“God be praised, my dear Cacambo, I have rescued two poor girls
from a most perilous situation; if I have committed a sin in killing an
Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by saving the livesof these two distressed damsels. Who knows but they may be young
ladies of a good family, and that the assistance I have been so happy togive them may procure us great advantage in this country?”40

Candide41

He was about to continue when he felt himself struck speechless atseeing the two girls embracing the dead bodies of the monkeys in thetenderest manner, bathing their wounds with their tears, and rending the
air with the most doleful lamentations.
“Really,” said he to Cacambo, “I should not have expected to see
such a prodigious share of good nature.”“Master,” replied the knowing valet, “you have made a precious
piece of work of it; do you know that you have killed the lovers ofthese two ladies?”“Their lovers! Cacambo, you are jesting! It cannot be! I can neverbelieve it.”
“Dear sir,” replied Cacambo, “you are surprised at everything.
Why should you think it so strange that there should be a country wheremonkeys insinuate themselves into the good graces of the ladies?They
are the fourth part of a man as I am the fourth part of a Spaniard.”“Alas!” replied Candide, “I remember to have heard my master
Pangloss say that such accidents as these frequently came to pass informer times, and that these commixtures are productive of centaurs,
fauns, and satyrs; and that many of the ancients had seen suchmonsters; but I looked upon the whole as fabulous.”“Now you are convinced,” said Cacambo, “that it is very true, andyou see what use is made of those creatures by persons who have not
had a proper education; all I am afraid of is that these same ladies may
play us some ugly trick.”
These judicious reflections operated so far on Candide as to makehim quit the meadow and strike into a thicket. There he and Cacambosupped, and after heartily cursing the Grand Inquisitor, the Governor of
Buenos Ayres, and the Baron, they fell asleep on the ground. Whenthey awoke they were surprised to find that they could not move; thereason was that the Oreillons who inhabit that country, and to whom
the ladies had given information of these two strangers, had boundthem with cords made of the bark of trees. They saw themselves
surrounded by fifty naked Oreillons armed with bows and arrows,
clubs, and hatchets of flint; some were making a fire under a largecauldron; and others were preparing spits, crying out one and all, “A
Jesuit! a Jesuit! we shall be revenged; we shall have excellent cheer; let
us eat this Jesuit; let us eat him up.”
“I told you, master,” cried Cacambo, mournfully, “that these two
wenches would play us some scurvy trick.”
Candide, seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried out, “I suppose
they are going either to boil or roast us. Ah! what would Pangloss say if
he were to see how pure nature is formed? Everything is right; it may

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be so; but I must confess it is something hard to be bereft of dear Miss
Cunegund, and to be spitted like a rabbit by these barbarous Oreillons.”
Cacambo, who never lost his presence of mind in distress, said tothe disconsolate Candide, “Do not despair; I understand a little of thejargon of these people; I will speak to them.”“Ay, pray do,” said Candide, “and be sure you make them sensibleof the horrid barbarity of boiling and roasting human creatures, andhow little of Christianity there is in such practices.”“Gentlemen,” said Cacambo, “you think perhaps you are going tofeast upon a Jesuit; if so, it is mighty well; nothing can be moreagreeable to justice than thus to treat your enemies. Indeed the law ofnature teaches us to kill our neighbor, and accordingly we find thispracticed all over the world; and if we do not indulge ourselves ineating human flesh, it is because we have much better fare; but for yourparts, who have not such resources as we, it is certainly much better
judged to feast upon your enemies than to throw their bodies to thefowls of the air; and thus lose all the fruits of your victory.
“But surely, gentlemen, you would not choose to eat yourfriends.You imagine you are going to roast a Jesuit, whereas my masteris your friend, your defender, and you are going to spit the very man
who has been destroying your enemies; as to myself, I am yourcountryman; this gentleman is my master, and so far from being a
Jesuit, give me leave to tell you he has very lately killed one of thatorder, whose spoils he now wears, and which have probably occasioned
your mistake. To convince you of the truth of what I say, take the habit
he has on and carry it to the first barrier of the Jesuits’ kingdom, andinquire whether my master did not kill one of their officers. There will
be little or no time lost by this, and you may still reserve our bodies inyour power to feast on if you should find what we have told you to befalse. But, on the contrary, if you find it to be true, I am persuaded you
are too well acquainted with the principles of the laws of society,humanity, and justice, not to use us courteously, and suffer us to departunhurt.”This speech appeared very reasonable to the Oreillons; they
deputed two of their people with all expedition to inquire into the truthof this affair, who acquitted themselves of their commission like menof sense, and soon returned with good tidings for our distressed
adventurers. Upon this they were loosed, and those who were so lately
going to roast and boil them now showed them all sorts of civilities,
offered them girls, gave them refreshments, and reconducted them tothe confines of their country, crying before them all the way, in token
of joy, “He is no Jesuit! he is no Jesuit!”

Candide

43

Candide could not help admiring the cause of his
deliverance.”What men! what manners!” cried he. “If I had not
fortunately run my sword up to the hilt in the body of Miss Cunegund’sbrother, I should have certainly been eaten alive. But, after all, purenature is an excellent thing; since these people, instead of eating me,
showed me a thousand civilities as soon as they knew was not a Jesuit.”

CHAPTER 17
Candide and His Valet Arrive in the Country of El
Dorado – What They Saw There
When to the frontiers of the Oreillons, said Cacambo to Candide,“You see, this hemisphere is not better than the other; now take myadvice and let us return to Europe by the shortest way possible.”“But how can we get back?” said Candide; “and whither shall wego?To my own country? The Bulgarians and the Abares are laying thatwaste with fire and sword. Or shall we go to Portugal? There I shall beburned; and if we abide here we are every moment in danger of being
spitted. But how can I bring myself to quit that part of the world where
my dear Miss Cunegund has her residence?”“Let us return towards Cayenne,” said Cacambo. “There we shallmeet with some Frenchmen, for you know those gentry ramble all over
the world. Perhaps they will assist us, and God will look with pity on
our distress.”
It was not so easy to get to Cayenne. They knew pretty nearly
whereabouts it lay; but the mountains, rivers, precipices, robbers,savages, were dreadful obstacles in the way. Their horses died with
fatigue and their provisions were at an end. They subsisted a wholemonth on wild fruit, till at length they came to a little river borderedwith cocoa trees; the sight of which at once revived their drooping
spirits and furnished nourishment for their enfeebled bodies.
Cacambo, who was always giving as good advice as the oldwoman herself, said to Candide, “You see there is no holding out any
longer; we have traveled enough on foot. I spy an empty canoe near theriver side; let us fill it with cocoanuts, get into it, and go down with thestream; a river always leads to some inhabited place. If we do not meetwith agreeable things, we shall at least meet with something new.”“Agreed,” replied Candide; “let us recommend ourselves toProvidence.”
They rowed a few leagues down the river, the banks of which werein some places covered with flowers; in others barren; in some parts
smooth and level, and in others steep and rugged. The stream widened
as they went further on, till at length it passed under one of the frightful
rocks, whose summits seemed to reach the clouds. Here our two
44

Candide45

travelers had the courage to commit themselves to the stream, which,contracting in this part, hurried them along with a dreadful noise andrapidity.
At the end of four and twenty hours they saw daylight again; but
their canoe was dashed to pieces against the rocks. They were obliged
to creep along, from rock to rock, for the space of a league, till at lengtha spacious plain presented itself to their sight. This place was bounded
by a chain of inaccessible mountains.The country appeared cultivatedequally for pleasure and to produce the necessaries of life. The useful
and agreeable were here equally blended. The roads were covered, or
rather adorned, with carriages formed of glittering materials, in whichwere men and women of a surprising beauty, drawn with great rapidity
by red sheep of a very large size; which far surpassed the finest
coursers of Andalusian Tetuan, or Mecquinez.
“Here is a country, however,” said Candide, “preferable toWestphalia.”
He and Cacambo landed near the first village they saw, at theentrance of which they perceived some children covered with tatteredgarments of the richest brocade, playing at quoits. Our two inhabitantsof the other hemisphere amused themselves greatly with what they saw.
The quoits were large, round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which casta most glorious luster. Our travelers picked some of them up, and they
proved to be gold, emeralds, rubies, and diamonds; the least of which
would have been the greatest ornament to the superb throne of theGreat Mogul.
“Without doubt,” said Cacambo, “those children must be theKing’s sons that are playing at quoits.”
As he was uttering these words the schoolmaster of the village
appeared, who came to call the children to school.
“There,” said Candide, “is the preceptor of the royal family.”
The little ragamuffins immediately quitted their diversion, leaving
the quoits on the ground with all their other playthings.Candide
gathered them up, ran to the schoolmaster, and, with a most respectfulbow, presented them to him, giving him to understand by signs that
their Royal Highnesses had forgot their gold and precious stones. The
schoolmaster, with a smile, flung them upon the ground, thenexamining Candide from head to foot with an air of admiration, heturned his back and went on his way.
Our travelers took care, however, to gather up the gold, the rubies,
and the emeralds.
“Where are we?” cried Candide. “The King’s children in thiscountry must have an excellent education, since they are taught to showsuch a contempt for gold and precious stones.”

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Cacambo was as much surprised as his master. They then drewnear the first house in the village, which was built after the manner of aEuropean palace. There was a crowd of people about the door, and astill greater number in the house. The sound of the most delightful
instruments of music was heard, and the most agreeable smell camefrom the kitchen. Cacambo went up to the door and heard those withintalking in the Peruvian language, which was his mother tongue; foreveryone knows that Cacambo was born in a village of Tucuman,
where no other language is spoken.
“I will be your interpreter here,” said he to Candide. “Let us go in;this is an eating house.”
Immediately two waiters and two servant–girls, dressed in cloth ofgold, and their hair braided with ribbons of tissue, accosted thestrangers and invited them to sit down to the ordinary. Their dinnerconsisted of four dishes of different soups, each garnished with two
young paroquets, a large dish of bouille that weighed two hundred
weight, two roasted monkeys of a delicious flavor, three hundred
hummingbirds in one dish, and six hundred flybirds in another; some
excellent ragouts, delicate tarts, and the whole served up in dishes ofrock–crystal. Several sorts of liquors, extracted from the sugarcane,were handed about by the servants who attended.
Most of the company were chapmen and wagoners, all extremely
polite; they asked Cacambo a few questions with the utmost discretionand circumspection; and replied to his in a most obliging andsatisfactory manner.
As soon as dinner was over, both Candide and Cacambo thought
they should pay very handsomely for their entertainment by laying
down two of those large gold pieces which they had picked off theground; but the landlord and landlady burst into a fit of laughing andheld their sides for some time.
When the fit was over, the landlord said, “Gentlemen, I plainly
perceive you are strangers, and such we are not accustomed to charge;
pardon us, therefore, for laughing when you offered us the common
pebbles of our highways for payment of your reckoning. To be sure,
you have none of the coin of this kingdom; but there is no necessity of
having any money at all to dine in this house. All the inns, which areestablished for the convenience of those who carry on the trade of thisnation, are maintained by the government. You have found but very
indifferent entertainment here, because this is only a poor village; but
in almost every other of these public houses you will meet with areception worthy of persons of your merit.”Candide

47

Cacambo explained the whole of this speech of the landlord to
Candide, who listened to it with the same astonishment with which his
friend communicated it.
“What sort of a country is this,” said the one to the other, “that is
unknown to all the world; and in which Nature has everywhere so
different an appearance to what she has in ours? Possibly this is thatpart of the globe where everywhere is right, for there must certainly besome such place. And, for all that Master Pangloss could say, I often
perceived that things went very ill in Westphalia.”

CHAPTER 18
What They Saw in the Country of El Dorado
Cacambo vented all his curiosity upon his landlord by a thousand
different questions; the honest man answered him thus, “I am very
ignorant, sir, but I am contented with my ignorance; however, we havein this neighborhood an old man retired from court, who is the mostlearned and communicative person in the whole kingdom.”
He then conducted Cacambo to the old man; Candide acted now
only a second character, and attended his valet. They entered a very
plain house, for the door was nothing but silver, and the ceiling was
only of beaten gold, but wrought in such elegant taste as to vie with therichest. The antechamber, indeed, was only incrusted with rubies andemeralds; but the order in which everything was disposed made amends
for this great simplicity.
The old man received the strangers on his sofa, which was stuffedwith hummingbirds’ feathers; and ordered his servants to present themwith liquors in golden goblets, after which he satisfied their curiosity inthe following terms.
“I am now one hundred and seventy–two years old, and I learnedof my late father, who was equerry to the King, the amazing
revolutions of Peru, to which he had been an eyewitness. This kingdom
is the ancient patrimony of the Incas, who very imprudently quitted it toconquer another part of the world, and were at length conquered anddestroyed themselves by the Spaniards.
“Those princes of their family who remained in their native
country acted more wisely. They ordained, with the consent of theirwhole nation, that none of the inhabitants of our little kingdom should
ever quit it; and to this wise ordinance we owe the preservation of ourinnocence and happiness. The Spaniards had some confused notion ofthis country, to which they gave the name of El Dorado; and Sir Walter
Raleigh, an Englishman, actually came very near it about three hundredyears ago; but the inaccessible rocks and precipices with which ourcountry is surrounded on all sides, has hitherto secured us from therapacious fury of the people of Europe, who have an unaccountablefondness for the pebbles and dirt of our land, for the sake of which theywould murder us all to the very last man.”48

Candide49

The conversation lasted some time and turned chiefly on the formof government, their manners, their women, their public diversions, andthe arts. At length, Candide, who had always had a taste formetaphysics, asked whether the people of that country had any religion.
The old man reddened a little at this question.
“Can you doubt it?” said he; “do you take us for wretches lost to
all sense of gratitude?”Cacambo asked in a respectful manner what was the establishedreligion of El Dorado. The old man blushed again and said, “Can there
be two religions, then? Ours, I apprehend, is the religion of the wholeworld; we worship God from morning till night.”“Do you worship but one God?” said Cacambo, who still acted as
the interpreter of Candide’s doubts.
“Certainly,” said the old man; “there are not two, nor three, norfour Gods. I must confess the people of your world ask very
extraordinary questions.”
However, Candide could not refrain from making many more
inquiries of the old man; he wanted to know in what manner they
prayed to God in El Dorado.
“We do not pray to Him at all,” said the reverend sage; “we havenothing to ask of Him, He has given us all we want, and we give Him
thanks incessantly.”
Candide had a curiosity to see some of their priests, and desired
Cacambo to ask the old man where they were. At which he smilingsaid, “My friends, we are all of us priests; the King and all the heads offamilies sing solemn hymns of thanksgiving every morning,accompanied by five or six thousand musicians.”“What!” said Cacambo, “have you no monks among you todispute, to govern, to intrigue, and to burn people who are not of thesame opinion with themselves?”“Do you take us for fools?” said the old man. “Here we are all of
one opinion, and know not what you mean by your monks.”
During the whole of this discourse Candide was in raptures, and hesaid to himself, “What a prodigious difference is there between thisplace and Westphalia; and this house and the Baron’s castle. Ah,
Master Pangloss! had you ever seen El Dorado, you would no longer
have maintained that the castle of Thunder–ten–tronckh was the finestof all possible edifices; there is nothing like seeing the world, that’s
certain.”This long conversation being ended, the old man ordered six sheep
to be harnessed and put to the coach, and sent twelve of his servants toescort the travelers to court.

50

VOLTAIRE“Excuse me,” said he, “for not waiting on you in person, my age
deprives me of that honor. The King will receive you in such a mannerthat you will have no reason to complain; and doubtless you will makea proper allowance for the customs of the country if they should not
happen altogether to please you.”
Candide and Cacambo got into the coach, the six sheep flew, and,in less than a quarter of an hour, they arrived at the King’s palace,which was situated at the further end of the capital. At the entrance wasa portal two hundred and twenty feet high and one hundred wide; but it
is impossible for words to express the materials of which it was built.
The reader, however, will readily conceive that they must have a
prodigious superiority over the pebbles and sand, which we call goldand precious stones.
Twenty beautiful young virgins in waiting received Candide andCacambo on their alighting from the coach, conducted them to the bathand clad them in robes woven of the down of hummingbirds; after
which they were introduced by the great officers of the crown of both
sexes to the King’s apartment, between two files of musicians, each fileconsisting of a thousand, agreeable to the custom of the country.
When they drew near to the presence–chamber, Cacambo asked
one of the officers in what manner they were to pay their obeisance to
His Majesty; whether it was the custom to fall upon their knees, or to
prostrate themselves upon the ground; whether they were to put theirhands upon their heads, or behind their backs; whether they were to lickthe dust off the floor; in short, what was the ceremony usual on suchoccasions.
“The custom,” said the great officer, “is to embrace the King andkiss him on each cheek.”
Candide and Cacambo accordingly threw their arms round His
Majesty’s neck, who received them in the most gracious manner
imaginable, and very politely asked them to sup with him.
While supper was preparing, orders were given to show them thecity, where they saw public structures that reared their lofty heads tothe clouds; the marketplaces decorated with a thousand columns;
fountains of spring water, besides others of rose water, and of liquors
drawn from the sugarcane, incessantly flowing in the great squares,
which were paved with a kind of precious stones that emitted an odor
like that of cloves and cinnamon.
Candide asked to see the High Court of justice, the Parliament; but
was answered that they had none in that country, being utter strangers
to lawsuits. He then inquired if they had any prisons; they replied none.
But what gave him at once the greatest surprise and pleasure was the
Palace of Sciences, where he saw a gallery two thousand feet long,

Candide51

filled with the various apparatus in mathematics and naturalphilosophy.
After having spent the whole afternoon in seeing only about thethousandth part of the city, they were brought back to the King’s
palace. Candide sat down at the table with His Majesty, his valet
Cacambo, and several ladies of the court. Never was entertainment
more elegant, nor could any one possibly show more wit than His
Majesty displayed while they were at supper. Cacambo explained all
the King’s bons mots to Candide, and, although they were translated,
they still appeared to be bons mots. Of all the things that surprised
Candide, this was not the least.
They spent a whole month in this hospitable place, during whichtime Candide was continually saying to Cacambo, “I own, my friend,
once more, that the castle where I was born is a mere nothing incomparison to the place where we now are; but still Miss Cunegund is
not here, and you yourself have doubtless some fair one in Europe forwhom you sigh. If we remain here we shall only be as others are;whereas if we return to our own world with only a dozen of El Dorado
sheep, loaded with the pebbles of this country, we shall be richer than
all the kings in Europe; we shall no longer need to stand in awe of theInquisitors; and we may easily recover Miss Cunegund.”This speech was perfectly agreeable to Cacambo. A fondness forroving, for making a figure in their own country, and for boasting ofwhat they had seen in their travels, was so powerful in our two
wanderers that they resolved to be no longer happy; and demanded
permission of the King to quit the country.
“You are about to do a rash and silly action,” said the King. “I amsensible my kingdom is an inconsiderable spot; but when people aretolerably at their ease in any place, I should think it would be to theirinterest to remain there. Most assuredly, I have no right to detain you,or any strangers, against your wills; this is an act of tyranny to which
our manners and our laws are equally repugnant. All men are by nature
free; you have therefore an undoubted liberty to depart whenever you
please, but you will have many and great difficulties to encounter inpassing the frontiers. It is impossible to ascend that rapid river whichruns under high and vaulted rocks, and by which you were conveyed
hither by a kind of miracle. The mountains by which my kingdom arehemmed in on all sides, are ten thousand feet high, and perfectly
perpendicular; they are above ten leagues across, and the descent fromthem is one continued precipice.
“However, since you are determined to leave us, I will
immediately give orders to the superintendent of my carriages to cause
one to be made that will convey you very safely. When they have

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VOLTAIRE

conducted you to the back of the mountains, nobody can attend you
farther; for my subjects have made a vow never to quit the kingdom,
and they are too prudent to break it. Ask me whatever else you please.”“All we shall ask of Your Majesty,” said Cacambo, “is only a few
sheep laden with provisions, pebbles, and the clay of your country.”
The King smiled at the request and said, “I cannot imagine what
pleasure you Europeans find in our yellow clay; but take away as muchof it as you will, and much good may it do you.”
He immediately gave orders to his engineers to make a machine tohoist these two extraordinary men out of the kingdom. Three thousand
good machinists went to work and finished it in about fifteen days, andit did not cost more than twenty millions sterling of that country’s
money. Candide and Cacambo were placed on this machine, and they
took with them two large red sheep, bridled and saddled, to ride upon,when they got on the other side of the mountains; twenty others toserve as sumpters for carrying provisions; thirty laden with presents ofwhatever was most curious in the country, and fifty with gold,
diamonds, and other precious stones. The King, at parting with our two
adventurers, embraced them with the greatest cordiality.
It was a curious sight to behold the manner of their setting off, andthe ingenious method by which they and their sheep were hoisted to the
top of the mountains. The machinists and engineers took leave of themas soon as they had conveyed them to a place of safety, and Candide
was wholly occupied with the thoughts of presenting his sheep to Miss
Cunegund.
“Now,” cried he, “thanks to Heaven, we have more than sufficient
to pay the Governor of Buenos Ayres for Miss Cunegund, if she isredeemable. Let us make the best of our way to Cayenne, where wewill take shipping and then we may at leisure think of what kingdom
we shall purchase with our riches.”

CHAPTER 19
What Happened to Them at Surinam, and How Candide
Became Acquainted with Martin
Our travelers’ first day’s journey was very pleasant; they wereelated with the prospect of possessing more riches than were to befound in Europe, Asia, and Africa together. Candide, in amoroustransports, cut the name of Miss Cunegund on almost every tree hecame to. The second day two of their sheep sunk in a morass, and were
swallowed up with their Jading; two more died of fatigue; some few
days afterwards seven or eight perished with hunger in a desert, andothers, at different times, tumbled down precipices, or were otherwise
lost, so that, after traveling about a hundred days they had only two
sheep left of the hundred and two they brought with them from El
Dorado.
Said Candide to Cacambo, “You see, my dear friend, howperishable the riches of this world are; there is nothing solid but virtue.”“Very true,” said Cacambo, “but we have still two sheep
remaining, with more treasure than ever the King of Spain will bepossessed of; and I espy a town at a distance, which I take to be
Surinam, a town belonging to the Dutch. We are now at the end of ourtroubles, and at the beginning of happiness.”
As they drew near the town they saw a Negro stretched on the
ground with only one half of his habit, which was a kind of linen frock;for the poor man had lost his left leg and his right hand.
“Good God,” said Candide in Dutch, “what dost thou here, friend,in this deplorable condition?”“I am waiting for my master, Mynheer Vanderdendur, the famous
trader,” answered the Negro.
“Was it Mynheer Vanderdendur that used you in this cruelmanner?”“Yes, sir,” said the Negro; “it is the custom here. They give a linen
garment twice a year, and that is all our covering. When we labor in thesugar works, and the mill happens to snatch hold of a finger, they
instantly chop off our hand; and when we attempt to run away, they cut
off a leg. Both these cases have happened to me, and it is at thisexpense that you eat sugar in Europe; and yet when my mother sold me
53

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VOLTAIRE

for ten patacoons on the coast of Guinea, she said to me, ‘My dearchild, bless our fetishes; adore them forever; they will make thee live
happy; thou hast the honor to be a slave to our lords the whites, bywhich thou wilt make the fortune of us thy parents.’“Alas! I know not whether I have made their fortunes; but they
have not made mine; dogs, monkeys, and parrots are a thousand times
less wretched than I. The Dutch fetishes who converted me tell me
every Sunday that the blacks and whites are all children of one father,whom they call Adam. As for me, I do not understand anything of
genealogies; but if what these preachers say is true, we are all second
cousins; and you must allow that it is impossible to be worse treated byour relations than we are.”“O Pangloss!” cried out Candide, “such horrid doings neverentered thy imagination. Here is an end of the matter. I find myself,
after all, obliged to renounce thy Optimism.”“Optimism,” said Cacambo, “what is that?”“Alas!” replied Candide, “it is the obstinacy of maintaining thateverything is best when it is worst.”
And so saying he turned his eyes towards the poor Negro, and sheda flood of tears; and in this weeping mood he entered the town ofSurinam.
Immediately upon their arrival our travelers inquired if there wasany vessel in the harbor which they might send to Buenos Ayres. The
person they addressed themselves to happened to be the master of a
Spanish bark, who offered to agree with them on moderate terms, andappointed them a meeting at a public house. Thither Candide and his
faithful Cacambo went to wait for him, taking with them their two
sheep.
Candide, who was all frankness and sincerity, made an ingenuous
recital of his adventures to the Spaniard, declaring to him at the sametime his resolution of carrying off Miss Cunegund from the Governor
of Buenos Ayres.
“Oh, ho!” said the shipmaster, “if that is the case, get whom you
please to carry you to Buenos Ayres; for my part, I wash my hands ofthe affair. It would prove a hanging matter to us all. The fair Cunegundis the Governor’s favorite mistress.”
These words were like a clap of thunder to Candide; he wept
bitterly for a long time, and, taking Cacambo aside, he said to him, “I’lltell you, my dear friend, what you must do. We have each of us in our
pockets to the value of five or six millions in diamonds; you arecleverer at these matters than I; you must go to Buenos Ayres and bringoff Miss Cunegund. If the Governor makes any difficulty give him amillion; if he holds out, give him two; as you have not killed anCandide55

Inquisitor, they will have no suspicion of you. I’ll fit out another ship
and go to Venice, where I will wait for you. Venice is a free country,
where we shall have nothing to fear from Bulgarians, Abares, Jews orInquisitors.”
Cacambo greatly applauded this wise resolution. He wasinconsolable at the thoughts of parting with so good a master, who
treated him more like an intimate friend than a servant; but the pleasureof being able to do him a service soon got the better of his sorrow.
They embraced each other with a flood of tears. Candide charged him
not to forget the old woman. Cacambo set out the same day.This
Cacambo was a very honest fellow.
Candide continued some days longer at Surinam, waiting for any
captain to carry him and his two remaining sheep to Italy. He hired
domestics, and purchased many things necessary for a long voyage; atlength Mynheer Vanderdendur, skipper of a large Dutch vessel, cameand offered his service.
“What will you have,” said Candide, “to carry me, my servants,
my baggage, and these two sheep you see here, directly to Venice?”
The skipper asked ten thousand piastres, and Candide agreed to his
demand without hestitation.
“Ho, ho!” said the cunning Vanderdendur to himself, “this stranger
must be very rich; he agrees to give me ten thousand piastres without
hesitation.”
Returning a little while after, he told Candide that upon second
consideration he could not undertake the voyage for less than twenty
thousand.
“Very well; you shall have them,” said Candide.
“Zounds!” said the skipper to himself, “this man agrees to pay
twenty thousand piastres with as much ease as ten.”
Accordingly he went back again, and told him roundly that hewould not carry him to Venice for less than thirty thousand piastres.
“Then you shall have thirty thousand,” said Candide.
“Odso!” said the Dutchman once more to himself, “thirty thousand
piastres seem a trifle to this man. Those sheep must certainly be ladenwith an immense treasure. I’ll e’en stop here and ask no more; but
make him pay down the thirty thousand piastres, and then we may see
what is to be done farther.”Candide sold two small diamonds, the least of which was worth
more than all the skipper asked. He paid him beforehand, the two sheep
were put on board, and Candide followed in a small boat to join thevessel in the road. The skipper took advantage of his opportunity,
hoisted sail, and put out to sea with a favorable wind. Candide,confounded and amazed, soon lost sight of the ship.

56

VOLTAIRE“Alas!” said he, “this is a trick like those in our old world!”
He returned back to the shore overwhelmed with grief; and,indeed, he had lost what would have made the fortune of twenty
monarchs.
Straightway upon his landing he applied to the Dutch magistrate;
being transported with passion he thundered at the door, which being
opened, he went in, told his case, and talked a little louder than wasnecessary. The magistrate began with fining him ten thousand piastresfor his petulance, and then listened very patiently to what he had to say,promised to examine into the affair on the skipper’s return, and ordered
him to pay ten thousand piastres more for the fees of the court.
This treatment put Candide out of all patience; it is true, he hadsuffered misfortunes a thousand times more grievous, but the cool
insolence of the judge, and the villainy of the skipper raised his choler
and threw him into a deep melancholy. The villainy of mankind
presented itself to his mind in all its deformity, and his soul was a preyto the most gloomy ideas. After some time, hearing that the captain of a
French ship was ready to set sail for Bordeaux, as he had no more
sheep loaded with diamonds to put on board, he hired the cabin at theusual price; and made it known in the town that he would pay thepassage and board of any honest man who would give him his company
during the voyage; besides making him a present of ten thousand
piastres, on condition that such person was the most dissatisfied withhis condition, and the most unfortunate in the whole province.
Upon this there appeared such a crowd of candidates that a large
fleet could not have contained them. Candide, willing to choose fromamong those who appeared most likely to answer his intention, selected
twenty, who seemed to him the most sociable, and who all pretended tomerit the preference. He invited them to his inn, and promised to treat
them with a supper, on condition that every man should bind himself
by an oath to relate his own history; declaring at the same time, that hewould make choice of that person who should appear to him the mostdeserving of compassion, and the most justly dissatisfied with his
condition in life; and that he would make a present to the rest.
This extraordinary assembly continued sitting till four in themorning. Candide, while he was listening to their adventures, called tomind what the old woman had said to him in their voyage to Buenos
Ayres, and the wager she had laid that there was not a person on board
the ship but had met with great misfortunes. Every story he heard put
him in mind of Pangloss.
“My old master,” said he, “would be confoundedly put to it todemonstrate his favorite system. Would he were here! Certainly if

Candide57

everything is for the best, it is in El Dorado, and not in the other partsof the world.”
At length he determined in favor of a poor scholar, who hadlabored ten years for the booksellers at Amsterdam: being of opinion
that no employment could be more detestable.
This scholar, who was in fact a very honest man, had been robbed
by his wife, beaten by his son, and forsaken by his daughter, who had
run away with a Portuguese. He had been likewise deprived of a small
employment on which he subsisted, and he was persecuted by theclergy of Surinam, who took him for a Socinian. It must be
acknowledged that the other competitors were, at least, as wretched ashe; but Candide was in hopes that the company of a man of letterswould relieve the tediousness of the voyage. All the other candidates
complained that Candide had done them great injustice, but he stopped
their mouths by a present of a hundred piastres to each.

CHAPTER 20
What Befell Candide and Martin on Their Passage
The old philosopher, whose name was Martin, took shipping with
Candide for Bordeaux. Both had seen and suffered a great deal, and had
the ship been going from Surinam to Japan round the Cape of Good
Hope, they could have found sufficient entertainment for each otherduring the whole voyage, in discoursing upon moral and natural evil.
Candide, however, had one advantage over Martin: he lived in thepleasing hopes of seeing Miss Cunegund once more; whereas, the poor
philosopher had nothing to hope for. Besides, Candide had money andjewels, and, not withstanding he had lost a hundred red sheep ladenwith the greatest treasure outside of El Dorado, and though he still
smarted from the reflection of the Dutch skipper’s knavery, yet when
he considered what he had still left, and repeated the name of
Cunegund, especially after meal times, he inclined to Pangloss’s
doctrine.
“And pray,” said he to Martin, “what is your opinion of the wholeof this system? What notion have you of moral and natural evil?”“Sir,” replied Martin, “our priest accused me of being a Socinian;
but the real truth is, I am a Manichaean.”“Nay, now you are jesting,” said Candide; “there are no
Manichaeans existing at present in the world.”“And yet I am one,” said Martin; “but I cannot help it. I cannot forthe soul of me think otherwise.”“Surely the Devil must be in you,” said Candide.
“He concerns himself so much,” replied Martin, “in the affairs of
this world that it is very probable he may be in me as well as
everywhere else; but I must confess, when I cast my eye on this globe,
or rather globule, I cannot help thinking that God has abandoned it tosome malignant being. I always except El Dorado. I scarce ever knew acity that did not wish the destruction of its neighboring city; nor afamily that did not desire to exterminate some other family. The poor inall parts of the world bear an inveterate hatred to the rich, even while
they creep and cringe to them; and the rich treat the poor like sheep,
whose wool and flesh they barter for money; a million of regimented
assassins traverse Europe from one end to the other, to get their bread
58

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by regular depredation and murder, because it is the mostgentlemanlike profession. Even in those cities which seem to enjoy theblessings of peace, and where the arts flourish, the inhabitants are
devoured with envy, care, and inquietudes, which are greater plagues
than any experienced in a town besieged. Private chagrins are still more
dreadful than public calamities. In a word,” concluded the philosopher,“I have seen and suffered so much that I am a Manichaean.”“And yet there is some good in the world,” replied Candide.
“Maybe so,” said Martin, “but it has escaped my knowledge.”
While they were deeply engaged in this dispute they heard thereport of cannon, which redoubled every moment. Each took out his
glass, and they spied two ships warmly engaged at the distance of about
three miles. The wind brought them both so near the French ship thatthose on board her had the pleasure of seeing the fight with greatease.After several smart broadsides the one gave the other a shot
between wind and water which sunk her outright. Then could Candide
and Martin plainly perceive a hundred men on the deck of the vessel
which was sinking, who, with hands uplifted to Heaven, sent forth
piercing cries, and were in a moment swallowed up by the waves.
“Well,” said Martin, “you now see in what manner mankind treat
one another.”“It is certain,” said Candide, “that there is something diabolical inthis affair.” As he was speaking thus he spied something of a shining
red hue, which swam close to the vessel. The boat was hoisted out tosee what it might be, when it proved to be one of his sheep. Candide
felt more joy at the recovery of this one animal than he did grief when
he lost the other hundred, though laden with the large diamonds of El
Dorado.
The French captain quickly perceived that the victorious ship
belonged to the crown of Spain; that the other was a Dutch pirate, andthe very same captain who had robbed Candide. The immense riches
which this villain had amassed, were buried with him in the deep, andonly this one sheep saved out of the whole.
“You see,” said Candide to Martin, “that vice is sometimes
punished.This villain, the Dutch skipper, has met with the fate hedeserved.”“Very true,” said Martin, “but why should the passengers bedoomed also to destruction? God has punished the knave, and the Devil
has drowned the rest.”
The French and Spanish ships continued their cruise, and Candide
and Martin their conversation. They disputed fourteen days
successively, at the end of which they were just as far advanced as thefirst moment they began. However, they had the satisfaction of

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disputing, of communicating their ideas, and of mutually comforting
each other.Candide embraced his sheep with transport.
“Since I have found thee again,” said he, “I may possibly find my
Cunegund once more.”CHAPTER 21
Candide and Martin, While Thus Reasoning with Each
Other, Draw Near to the Coast of France
At length they descried the coast of France, when Candide said to
Martin, “Pray Monsieur Martin, were you ever in France?”“Yes, sir,” said Martin, “I have been in several provinces of thatkingdom. In some, one half of the people are fools and madmen; insome, they are too artful; in others, again, they are, in general, either
very good–natured or very brutal; while in others, they affect to be
witty, and in all, their ruling passion is love, the next is slander, and thelast is to talk nonsense.”“But, pray, Monsieur Martin, were you ever in Paris?”“Yes, sir, I have been in that city, and it is a place that contains theseveral species just described; it is a chaos, a confused multitude, where
everyone seeks for pleasure without being able to find it; at least, as far
as I have observed during my short stay in that city. At my arrival I wasrobbed of all I had in the world by pickpockets and sharpers, at the fairof Saint–Germain. I was taken up myself for a robber, and confined inprison a whole week; after which I hired myself as corrector to a press
in order to get a little money towards defraying my expenses back to
Holland on foot.I knew the whole tribe of scribblers, malcontents, andfanatics. It is said the people of that city are very polite; I believe they
may be.”“For my part, I have no curiosity to see France,” said Candide.
“You may easily conceive, my friend, that after spending a month in El
Dorado, I can desire to behold nothing upon earth but Miss Cunegund.
I am going to wait for her at Venice. I intend to pass through France, on
my way to Italy. Will you not bear me company?”“With all my heart,” said Martin. “They say Venice is agreeable tonone but noble Venetians, but that, nevertheless, strangers are wellreceived there when they have plenty of money; now I have none, but
you have, therefore I will attend you wherever you please.”“Now we are upon this subject,” said Candide, “do you think thatthe earth was originally sea, as we read in that great book which
belongs to the captain of the ship?”

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VOLTAIRE“I believe nothing of it,” replied Martin, “any more than I do of themany other chimeras which have been related to us for some time
past.”“But then, to what end,” said Candide, “was the world formed?”“To make us mad,” said Martin.
“Are you not surprised,” continued Candide, “at the love which thetwo girls in the country of the Oreillons had for those two monkeys? –You know I have told you the story.”“Surprised?” replied Martin, “not in the least. I see nothing strange
in this passion. I have seen so many extraordinary things that there isnothing extraordinary to me now.”“Do you think,” said Candide, “that mankind always massacred
one another as they do now? Were they always guilty of lies, fraud,
treachery, ingratitude, inconstancy, envy, ambition, and cruelty? Were
they always thieves, fools, cowards, gluttons, drunkards, misers,
calumniators, debauchees, fanatics, and hypocrites?”“Do you believe,” said Martin, “that hawks have always beenaccustomed to eat pigeons when they came in their way?”“Doubtless,” said Candide.
“Well then,” replied Martin, “if hawks have always had the same
nature, why should you pretend that mankind change theirs?”“Oh,” said Candide, “there is a great deal of difference; for free
will –” and reasoning thus they arrived at Bordeaux.

CHAPTER 22
What Happened to Candide and Martin in France
Candide stayed no longer at Bordeaux than was necessary todispose of a few of the pebbles he had brought from El Dorado, and toprovide himself with a post–chaise for two persons, for he could nolonger stir a step without his philosopher Martin. The only thing thatgive him concern was being obliged to leave his sheep behind him,
which he intrusted to the care of the Academy of Sciences at Bordeaux,
who proposed, as a prize subject for the year, to prove why the wool ofthis sheep was red; and the prize was adjudged to a northern sage, whodemonstrated by A plus B, minus C, divided by Z, that the sheep mustnecessarily be red, and die of the mange.
In the meantime, all travelers whom Candide met with in the inns,
or on the road, told him to a man, that they were going to Paris. This
general eagerness gave him likewise a great desire to see this capital;
and it was not much out of his way to Venice.
He entered the city by the suburbs of Saint–Marceau, and thought
himself in one of the vilest hamlets in all Westphalia.
Candide had not been long at his inn, before he was seized with aslight disorder, owing to the fatigue he had undergone. As he wore adiamond of an enormous size on his finger and had among the rest of
his equipage a strong box that seemed very weighty, he soon foundhimself between two physicians, whom he had not sent for, a numberof intimate friends whom he had never seen, and who would not quit
his bedside, and two women devotees, who were very careful inproviding him hot broths.
“I remember,” said Martin to him, “that the first time I came toParis I was likewise taken ill. I was very poor, and accordingly I hadneither friends, nurses, nor physicians, and yet I did very well.”
However, by dint of purging and bleeding, Candide’s disorder
became very serious. The priest of the parish came with all imaginable
politeness to desire a note of him, payable to the bearer in the otherworld. Candide refused to comply with his request; but the two
devotees assured him that it was a new fashion. Candide replied, that hewas not one that followed the fashion. Martin was for throwing thepriest out of the window. The clerk swore Candide should not have63

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Christian burial. Martin swore in his turn that he would bury the clerk
alive if he continued to plague them any longer. The dispute grew
warm; Martin took him by the shoulders and turned him out of theroom, which gave great scandal, and occasioned a proces–verbal.
Candide recovered, and till he was in a condition to go abroad had
a great deal of good company to pass the evenings with him in his
chamber. They played deep. Candide was surprised to find he could
never turn a trick; and Martin was not at all surprised at the matter.
Among those who did him the honors of the place was a little
spruce abbe of Perigord, one of those insinuating, busy, fawning,
impudent, necessary fellows, that lay wait for strangers on their arrival,
tell them all the scandal of the town, and offer to minister to theirpleasures at various prices. This man conducted Candide and Martin to
the playhouse; they were acting a new tragedy.Candide found himself
placed near a cluster of wits: this, however, did not prevent him fromshedding tears at some parts of the piece which were most affecting,and best acted.
One of these talkers said to him between acts, “You are greatly toblame to shed tears; that actress plays horribly, and the man that playswith her still worse, and the piece itself is still more execrable than the
representation. The author does not understand a word of Arabic, andyet he has laid his scene in Arabia, and what is more, he is a fellow
who does not believe in innate ideas. Tomorrow I will bring you ascore of pamphlets that have been written against him.”“Pray, sir,” said Candide to the abbe, “how many theatrical pieces
have you in France?”“Five or six thousand,” replied the abbe.
“Indeed! that is a great number,” said Candide, “but how many
good ones may there be?”“About fifteen or sixteen.”“Oh! that is a great number,” said Martin.
Candide was greatly taken with an actress, who performed the partof Queen Elizabeth in a dull kind of tragedy that is played sometimes.
“That actress,” said he to Martin, “pleases me greatly; she hassome sort of resemblance to Miss Cunegund. I should be very glad to
pay my respects to her.”
The abbe of Perigord offered his service to introduce him to her at
her own house. Candide, who was brought up in Germany, desired toknow what might be the ceremonial used on those occasions, and how aqueen of England was treated in France.
“There is a necessary distinction to be observed in these matters,”
said the abbe. “In a country town we take them to a tavern; here in
Paris, they are treated with great respect during their lifetime, provided

Candide65

they are handsome, and when they die we throw their bodies upon adunghill.”“How?” said Candide, “throw a queen’s body upon a dunghill!”“The gentleman is quite right,” said Martin, “he tells you nothing
but the truth. I happened to be at Paris when Miss Monimia made her
exit, as one may say, out of this world into another. She was refused
what they call here the rites of sepulture; that is to say, she was denied
the privilege of rotting in a churchyard by the side of all the beggars in
the parish. They buried her at the corner of Burgundy Street, whichmust certainly have shocked her extremely, as she had very exalted
notions of things.”“This is acting very impolitely,” said Candide.
“Lord!” said Martin, “what can be said to it? It is the way of thesepeople. Figure to yourself all the contradictions, all the inconsistencies
possible, and you may meet with them in the government, the courts ofjustice, the churches, and the public spectacles of this odd nation.”“Is it true,” said Candide, “that the people of Paris are always
laughing?”“Yes,” replied the abbe, “but it is with anger in their hearts; theyexpress all their complaints by loud bursts of laughter, and commit themost detestable crimes with a smile on their faces.”“Who was that great overgrown beast,” said Candide, “who spoke
so ill to me of the piece with which I was so much affected, and of theplayers who gave me so much pleasure?”“A very good–for–nothing sort of a man I assure you,” answered
the abbe, “one who gets his livelihood by abusing every new book andplay that is written or performed; he dislikes much to see anyone meetwith success, like eunuchs, who detest everyone that possesses thosepowers they are deprived of; he is one of those vipers in literature who
nourish themselves with their own venom; a pamphlet–monger.”“A pamphlet–monger!” said Candide, “what is that?”“Why, a pamphlet–monger,” replied the abbe, “is a writer ofpamphlets – a fool.”
Candide, Martin, and the abbe of Perigord argued thus on thestaircase, while they stood to see the people go out of the playhouse.
“Though I am very anxious to see Miss Cunegund again,” said
Candide, “yet I have a great inclination to sup with Miss Clairon, for I
am really much taken with her.”
The abbe was not a person to show his face at this lady’s house,
which was frequented by none but the best company.
“She is engaged this evening,” said he, “but I will do myself thehonor to introduce you to a lady of quality of my acquaintance, at

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whose house you will see as much of the manners of Paris as if you had
lived here for forty years.”
Candide, who was naturally curious, suffered himself to be
conducted to this lady’s house, which was in the suburbs of Saint–
Honore. The company was engaged at basser; twelve melancholy
punters held each in his hand a small pack of cards, the corners ofwhich were doubled down, and were so many registers of their ill
fortune. A profound silence reigned throughout the assembly, a pallid
dread had taken possession of the countenances of the punters, andrestless inquietude stretched every muscle of the face of him who kept
the bank; and the lady of the house, who was seated next to him,observed with lynx’s eyes every play made, and noted those whotallied, and made them undouble their cards with a severe exactness,though mixed with a politeness, which she thought necessary not tofrighten away her customers. This lady assumed the title ofMarchioness of Parolignac.Her daughter, a girl of about fifteen years ofage, was one of the punters, and took care to give her mamma a hint, by
signs, when any one of the players attempted to repair the rigor of their
ill fortune by a little innocent deception. The company were thus
occupied when Candide, Martin, and the abbe made their entrance; nota creature rose to salute them, or indeed took the least notice of them,
being wholly intent upon the business at hand.
“Ah!” said Candide, “My Lady Baroness of Thunder–ten–tronckh
would have behaved more civilly.”
However, the abbe whispered in the ear of the Marchioness, who
half raising herself from her seat, honored Candide with a gracious
smile, and gave Martin a nod of her head, with an air of inexpressible
dignity. She then ordered a seat for Candide, and desired him to makeone of their party at play; he did so, and in a few deals lost near athousand pieces; after which they supped very elegantly, and everyone
was surprised at seeing Candide lose so much money without appearing
to be the least disturbed at it. The servants in waiting said to each other,“This is certainly some English lord.”
The supper was like most others of its kind in Paris. At firsteveryone was silent; then followed a few confused murmurs, andafterwards several insipid jokes passed and repassed, with false reports,
false reasonings, a little politics, and a great deal of scandal. The
conversation then turned upon the new productions in literature.
“Pray,” said the abbe, “good folks, have you seen the romance
written by a certain Gauchat, Doctor of Divinity?”“Yes,” answered one of the company, “but I had not patience to go
through it. The town is pestered with a swarm of impertinent
productions, but this of Dr. Gauchat’s outdoes them all. In short, I wasCandide67

so cursedly tired of reading this vile stuff that I even resolved to comehere, and make a party at basset.”“But what say you to the archdeacon T–’s miscellaneouscollection,” said the abbe.
“Oh my God!” cried the Marchioness of Parolignac, “nevermention the tedious creature! Only think what pains he is at to tell one
things that all the world knows; and how he labors an argument that ishardly worth the slightest consideration! how absurdly he makes use ofother people’s wit! how miserably he mangles what he has pilferedfrom them! The man makes me quite sick! A few pages of the good
archdeacon are enough in conscience to satisfy anyone.”
There was at the table a person of learning and taste, who
supported what the Marchioness had advanced. They next began to talkof tragedies. The lady desired to know how it came about that there
were several tragedies, which still continued to be played, though theywould not bear reading? The man of taste explained very clearly how apiece may be in some manner interesting without having a grain of
merit. He showed, in a few words, that it is not sufficient to throw
together a few incidents that are to be met with in every romance, andthat to dazzle the spectator the thoughts should be new, without being
farfetched; frequently sublime, but always natural; the author shouldhave a thorough knowledge of the human heart and make it speak
properly; he should be a complete poet, without showing an affectationof it in any of the characters of his piece; he should be a perfect masterof his language, speak it with all its purity, and with the utmost
harmony, and yet so as not to make the sense a slave to the rhyme.
“Whoever,” added he, “neglects any one of these rules, though he
may write two or three tragedies with tolerable success, will never bereckoned in the number of good authors. There are very few goodtragedies; some are idylls, in very well–written and harmonious
dialogue; and others a chain of political reasonings that set one asleep,or else pompous and high–flown amplification, that disgust rather thanplease. Others again are the ravings of a madman, in an uncouth style,unmeaning flights, or long apostrophes to the deities, for want ofknowing how to address mankind; in a word a collection of false
maxims and dull commonplace.”
Candide listened to this discourse with great attention, andconceived a high opinion of the person who delivered it; and as the
Marchioness had taken care to place him near her side, he took theliberty to whisper her softly in the ear and ask who this person was thatspoke so well.
“He is a man of letters,” replied Her Ladyship, “who never plays,
and whom the abbe brings with him to my house sometimes to spend

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an evening. He is a great judge of writing, especially in tragedy; he hascomposed one himself, which was damned, and has written a book thatwas never seen out of his bookseller’s shop, excepting only one copy,
which he sent me with a dedication, to which he had prefixed myname.”“Oh the great man,” cried Candide, “he is a second Pangloss.”
Then turning towards him, “Sir,” said he, “you are doubtless of
opinion that everything is for the best in the physical and moral world,
and that nothing could be otherwise than it is?”“I, sir!” replied the man of letters, “I think no such thing, I assureyou; I find that all in this world is set the wrong end uppermost. No one
knows what is his rank, his office, nor what he does, nor what heshould do. With the exception of our evenings, which we generally passtolerably merrily, the rest of our time is spent in idle disputes andquarrels, Jansenists against Molinists, the Parliament against the
Church, and one armed body of men against another; courtier against
courtier, husband against wife, and relations against relations. In short,
this world is nothing but one continued scene of civil war.”“Yes,” said Candide, “and I have seen worse than all that; and yet
a learned man, who had the misfortune to be hanged, taught me thateverything was marvelously well, and that these evils you are speaking
of were only so many shades in a beautiful picture.”“Your hempen sage,” said Martin, “laughed at you; these shades,
as you call them, are most horrible blemishes.”“The men make these blemishes,” rejoined Candide, “and theycannot do otherwise.”“Then it is not their fault,” added Martin.
The greatest part of the gamesters, who did not understand asyllable of this discourse, amused themselves with drinking, while
Martin reasoned with the learned gentleman and Candide entertained
the lady of the house with a part of his adventures.
After supper the Marchioness conducted Candide into her
dressingroom, and made him sit down under a canopy.
“Well,” said she, “are you still so violently fond of Miss Cunegundof Thunder–ten–tronckh?”“Yes, madam,” replied Candide.
The Marchioness said to him with a tender smile, “You answer melike a young man born in Westphalia; a Frenchman would have said, ‘It
is true, madam, I had a great passion for Miss Cunegund; but since I
have seen you, I fear I can no longer love her as I did.’““Alas! madam,” replied Candide, “I will make you what answer
you please.”Candide69“You fell in love with her, I find, in stooping to pick up her
handkerchief which she had dropped; you shall pick up my garter.”“With all my heart, madam,” said Candide, and he picked it up.
“But you must tie it on again,” said the lady.
Candide tied it on again.
“Look ye, young man,” said the Marchioness, “you are a stranger;
I make some of my lovers here in Paris languish for me a whole
fortnight; but I surrender to you at first sight, because I am willing to do
the honors of my country to a young Westphalian.”
The fair one having cast her eye on two very large diamonds thatwere upon the young stranger’s finger, praised them in so earnest amanner that they were in an instant transferred from his finger to hers.
As Candide was going home with the abbe he felt some qualms ofconscience for having been guilty of infidelity to Miss Cunegund.Theabbe took part with him in his uneasiness; he had but an inconsiderable
share in the thousand pieces Candide had lost at play, and the two
diamonds which had been in a manner extorted from him; and therefore
very prudently designed to make the most he could of his newacquaintance, which chance had thrown in his way. He talked much ofMiss Cunegund, and Candide assured him that he would heartily ask
pardon of that fair one for his infidelity to her, when he saw her at
Venice.
The abbe redoubled his civilities and seemed to interest himself
warmly in everything that Candide said, did, or seemed inclined to do.
“And so, sir, you have an engagement at Venice?”“Yes, Monsieur l’Abbe,” answered Candide, “I must absolutely
wait upon Miss Cunegund,” and then the pleasure he took in talking
about the object he loved, led him insensibly to relate, according tocustom, part of his adventures with that illustrious Westphalian beauty.
“I fancy,” said the abbe, “Miss Cunegund has a great deal of wit,
and that her letters must be very entertaining.”“I never received any from her,” said Candide; “for you are toconsider that, being expelled from the castle upon her account, I could
not write to her, especially as soon after my departure I heard she wasdead; but thank God I found afterwards she was living. I left her again
after this, and now I have sent a messenger to her near two thousand
leagues from here, and wait here for his return with an answer fromher.”
The artful abbe let not a word of all this escape him, though heseemed to be musing upon something else. He soon took his leave ofthe two adventurers, after having embraced them with the greatest
cordiality.

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The next morning, almost as soon as his eyes were open, Candide
received the following billet:“My Dearest Lover – I have been ill in this city these eight days.I
have heard of your arrival, and should fly to your arms were I able tostir. I was informed of your being on the way hither at Bordeaux, where
I left the faithful Cacambo, and the old woman, who will soon follow
me. The Governor of Buenos Ayres has taken everything from me but
your heart, which I still retain. Come to me immediately on the receiptof this. Your presence will either give me new life, or kill me with thepleasure.”
At the receipt of this charming, this unexpected letter, Candide felt
the utmost transports of joy; though, on the other hand, theindisposition of his beloved Miss Cunegund overwhelmed him withgrief.Distracted between these two passions he took his gold and his
diamonds, and procured a person to conduct him and Martin to thehouse where Miss Cunegund lodged. Upon entering the room he felt
his limbs tremble, his heart flutter, his tongue falter; he attempted toundraw the curtain, and called for a light to the bedside.
“Lord sir,” cried a maidservant, who was waiting in the room,“take care what you do, Miss cannot bear the least light,” and so saying
she pulled the curtain close again.
“Cunegund! my dear cried Candide, bathed in tears, “how do you
do?If you cannot bear the light, speak to me at least.”“Alas! she cannot speak,” said the maid.
The sick lady then put a plump hand out of the bed and Candide
first bathed it with tears, then filled it with diamonds, leaving a purse ofgold upon the easy chair.
In the midst of his transports came an officer into the room,
followed by the abbe, and a file of musketeers.
“There,” said he, “are the two suspected foreigners.” At the sametime he ordered them to be seized and carried to prison.
“Travelers are not treated in this manner in the country of El
Dorado,” said Candide.
“I am more of a Manichaean now than ever,” said Martin.
“But pray, good sir, where are you going to carry us?” said
Candide.
“To a dungeon, my dear sir,” replied the officer.
When Martin had a little recovered himself, so as to form a cool
judgment of what had passed, he plainly perceived that the person who
had acted the part of Miss Cunegund was a cheat; that the abbe of
Perigord was a sharper who had imposed upon the honest simplicity ofCandide, and that the officer was a knave, whom they might easily get
rid of.

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Candide following the advice of his friend Martin, and burningwith impatience to see the real Miss Cunegund, rather than be obliged
to appear at a court of justice, proposed to the officer to make him apresent of three small diamonds, each of them worth three thousand
pistoles.
“Ah, sir,” said the understrapper of justice, “had you commited
ever so much villainy, this would render you the honestest man living,in my eyes. Three diamonds worth three thousand pistoles! Why, mydear sir, so far from carrying you to jail, I would lose my life to serveyou. There are orders for stopping all strangers; but leave it to me, I
have a brother at Dieppe, in Normandy. I myself will conduct youthither, and if you have a diamond left to give him he will take as muchcare of you as I myself should.”“But why,” said Candide, “do they stop all strangers?”
The abbe of Perigord made answer that it was because a poor devilof the country of Atrebata heard somebody tell foolish stories, and thisinduced him to commit a parricide; not such a one as that in the monthof May, 1610, but such as that in the month of December in the year
1594, and such as many that have been perpetrated in other months andyears, by other poor devils who had heard foolish stories.
The officer then explained to them what the abbe meant.
“Horrid monsters,” exclaimed Candide, “is it possible that such
scenes should pass among a people who are perpetually singing anddancing? Is there no flying this abominable country immediately, thisexecrable kingdom where monkeys provoke tigers? I have seen bears in
my country, but men I have beheld nowhere but in El Dorado. In thename of God, sir,” said he to the officer, “do me the kindness to
conduct me to Venice, where I am to wait for Miss Cunegund.”“Really, sir,” replied the officer, “I cannot possibly wait on you
farther than Lower Normandy.”
So saying, he ordered Candide’s irons to be struck off,
acknowledged himself mistaken, and sent his followers about theirbusiness, after which he conducted Candide and Martin to Dieppe, andleft them to the care of his brother.
There happened just then to be a small Dutch ship in the harbor.
The Norman, whom the other three diamonds had converted into themost obliging, serviceable being that ever breathed, took care to see
Candide and his attendants safe on board this vessel, that was just readyto sail for Portsmouth in England. This was not the nearest way to
Venice, indeed, but Candide thought himself escaped out of Hell, anddid not, in the least, doubt but he should quickly find an opportunity ofresuming his voyage to Venice.

CHAPTER 23
Candide and Martin Touch upon the English Coast –What They See There
Ah Pangloss! Pangloss! ah Martin! ah my dear Miss Cunegund!
What sort of a world is this?” Thus exclaimed Candide as soon as hegot on board the Dutch ship.
“Why something very foolish, and very abominable,” said Martin.
“You are acquainted with England,” said Candide; “are they as
great fools in that country as in France?”“Yes, but in a different manner,” answered Martin. “You knowthat these two nations are at war about a few acres of barren land in theneighborhood of Canada, and that they have expended much greater
sums in the contest than all Canada is worth. To say exactly whether
there are a greater number fit to be inhabitants of a madhouse in the one
country than the other, exceeds the limits of my imperfect capacity; Iknow in general that the people we are going to visit are of a very dark
and gloomy disposition.”As they were chatting thus together they arrived at Portsmouth.The
shore on each side the harbor was lined with a multitude of people,
whose eyes were steadfastly fixed on a lusty man who was kneelingdown on the deck of one of the men–of–war, with something tied
before his eyes. Opposite to this personage stood four soldiers, each ofwhom shot three bullets into his skull, with all the composure
imaginable; and when it was done, the whole company went away
perfectly well satisfied.
“What the devil is all this for?” said Candide, “and what demon, or
foe of mankind, lords it thus tyrannically over the world?”
He then asked who was that lusty man who had been sent out of
the world with so much ceremony. When he received for answer, that it
was an admiral.
“And pray why do you put your admiral to death?”“Because he did not put a sufficient number of his fellow creatures
to death. You must know, he had an engagement with a French admiral,and it has been proved against him that he was not near enough to his
antagonist.”72

Candide73“But,” replied Candide, “the French admiral must have been as far
from him.”“There is no doubt of that; but in this country it is found requisite,
now and then, to put an admiral to death, in order to encourage theothers to fight.”
Candide was so shocked at what he saw and heard, that he would
not set foot on shore, but made a bargain with the Dutch skipper (werehe even to rob him like the captain of Surinam) to carry him directly to
Venice.
The skipper was ready in two days. They sailed along the coast ofFrance, and passed within sight of Lisbon, at which Candide trembled.
From thence they proceeded to the Straits, entered the Mediterranean,
and at length arrived at Venice.
“God be praised,” said Candide, embracing Martin, “this is theplace where I am to behold my beloved Cunegund once again. I canconfide in Cacambo, like another self. All is well, all is very well, all iswell as possible.”CHAPTER 24
Of Pacquette and Friar Giroflee
Upon their arrival at Venice Candide went in search of Cacambo at
every inn and coffee–house, and among all the ladies of pleasure, but
could hear nothing of him. He sent every day to inquire what ships
were in, still no news of Cacambo.
“It is strange,” said he to Martin, “very strange that I should havetime to sail from Surinam to Bordeaux; to travel thence to Paris, toDieppe, to Portsmouth; to sail along the coast of Portugal and Spain,
and up the Mediterranean to spend some months at Venice; and that mylovely Cunegund should not have arrived. Instead of her, I only met
with a Parisian impostor, and a rascally abbe of Perigord.Cunegund isactually dead, and I have nothing to do but follow her.Alas! how muchbetter would it have been for me to have remained in the paradise of El
Dorado than to have returned to this cursed Europe!You are in theright, my dear Martin; you are certainly in the right; all is misery anddeceit.”He fell into a deep melancholy, and neither went to the opera thenin vogue, nor partook of any of the diversions of the Carnival; nay, heeven slighted the fair sex.
Martin said to him, “Upon my word, I think you are very simple toimagine that a rascally valet, with five or six millions in his pocket,
would go in search of your mistress to the further of the world, andbring her to Venice to meet you. If he finds her he will take her for
himself; if he does not, he will take another. Let me advise you toforget your valet Cacambo, and your mistress Cunegund.”Martin’s speech was not the most consolatory to the dejected
Candide. His melancholy increased, and Martin never ceased trying toprove to him that there is very little virtue or happiness in this world;
except, perhaps, in El Dorado, where hardly anybody can gain
admittance.
While they were disputing on this important subject, and still
expecting Miss Cunegund, Candide perceived a young Theatin friar in
the Piazza San Marco, with a girl under his arm. The Theatin looked
fresh–colored, plump, and vigorous; his eyes sparkled; his air and gait74Candide75

were bold and lofty. The girl was pretty, and was singing a song; andevery now and then gave her Theatin an amorous ogle and wantonly
pinched his ruddy cheeks.
“You will at least allow,” said Candide to Martin, “that these twoare happy. Hitherto I have met with none but unfortunate people in thewhole habitable globe, except in El Dorado; but as to this couple, I
would venture to lay a wager they are happy.”“Done!” said Martin, “they are not what you imagine.”“Well, we have only to ask them to dine with us,” said Candide,“and you will see whether I am mistaken or not.”Thereupon he accosted them, and with great politeness invitedthem to his inn to eat some macaroni, with Lombard partridges andcaviar, and to drink a bottle of Montepulciano, Lacryma Christi,
Cyprus, and Samos wine. The girl blushed; the Theatin accepted theinvitation and she followed him, eyeing Candide every now and thenwith a mixture of surprise and confusion, while the tears stole down her
cheeks. No sooner did she enter his apartment than she cried out,
“How, Monsieur Candide, have you quite forgot your Pacquette? doyou not know her again?”
Candide had not regarded her with any degree of attention before,
being wholly occupied with the thoughts of his dear Cunegund.
“Ah! is it you, child? was it you that reduced Dr. Pangloss to thatfine condition I saw him in?”
“Alas! sir,” answered Pacquette, “it was I, indeed. I find you areacquainted with everything; and I have been informed of all the
misfortunes that happened to the whole family of My Lady Baronessand the fair Cunegund. But I can safely swear to you that my lot was noless deplorable; I was innocence itself when you saw me last. A
Franciscan, who was my confessor, easily seduced me; theconsequences proved terrible. I was obliged to leave the castle sometime after the Baron kicked you out by the backside from there; and if afamous surgeon had not taken compassion on me, I had been a deadwoman. Gratitude obliged me to live with him some time as his
mistress; his wife, who was a very devil for jealousy, beat me
unmercifully every day. Oh! she was a perfect fury. The doctor himself
was the most ugly of all mortals, and I the most wretched creatureexisting, to be continually beaten for a man whom I did not love.You
are sensible, sir, how dangerous it was for an ill–natured woman to be
married to a physician. Incensed at the behavior of his wife, he one day
gave her so affectionate a remedy for a slight cold she had caught thatshe died in less than two hours in most dreadful convulsions. Her
relations prosecuted the husband, who was obliged to fly, and I was
sent to prison. My innocence would not have saved me, if I had not

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been tolerably handsome. The judge gave me my liberty on condition
he should succeed the doctor. However, I was soon supplanted by arival, turned off without a farthing, and obliged to continue theabominable trade which you men think so pleasing, but which to us
unhappy creatures is the most dreadful of all sufferings. At length I
came to follow the business at Venice. Ah!sir, did you but know what it
is to be obliged to receive every visitor; old tradesmen, counselors,monks, watermen, and abbes; to be exposed to all their insolence andabuse; to be often necessitated to borrow a petticoat, only that it may betaken up by some disagreeable wretch; to be robbed by one gallant ofwhat we get from another; to be subject to the extortions of civil
magistrates; and to have forever before one’s eyes the prospect of oldage, a hospital, or a dunghill, you would conclude that I am one of themost unhappy wretches breathing.”
Thus did Pacquette unbosom herself to honest Candide in his
closet, in the presence of Martin, who took occasion to say to him,
“You see I have half won the wager already.”
Friar Giroflee was all this time in the parlor refreshing himself
with a glass or two of wine till dinner was ready.
“But,” said Candide to Pacquette, “you looked so gay andcontented, when I met you, you sang and caressed the Theatin with somuch fondness, that I absolutely thought you as happy as you say you
are now miserable.”“Ah! dear sir,” said Pacquette, “this is one of the miseries of the
trade; yesterday I was stripped and beaten by an officer; yet today I
must appear good humored and gay to please a friar.”
Candide was convinced and acknowledged that Martin was in theright.They sat down to table with Pacquette and the Theatin; theentertainment was agreeable, and towards the end they began toconverse together with some freedom.
“Father,” said Candide to the friar, “you seem to me to enjoy astate of happiness that even kings might envy; joy and health are
painted in your countenance. You have a pretty wench to divert you;and you seem to be perfectly well contented with your condition as a
Theatin.”“Faith, sir,” said Friar Giroflee, “I wish with all my soul the
Theatins were every one of them at the bottom of the sea. I have been
tempted a thousand times to set fire to the monastery and go and turn
Turk. My parents obliged me, at the age of fifteen, to put on thisdetestable habit only to increase the fortune of an elder brother of mine,
whom God confound! jealousy, discord, and fury, reside in ourmonastery. It is true I have preached often paltry sermons, by which I
have got a little money, part of which the prior robs me of, and theCandide77

remainder helps to pay my girls; but, not withstanding, at night, when I
go hence to my monastery, I am ready to dash my brains against thewalls of the dormitory; and this is the case with all the rest of our
fraternity.”
Martin, turning towards Candide, with his usual indifference, said,“Well, what think you now? have I won the wager entirely?”
Candide gave two thousand piastres to Pacquette, and a thousand
to Friar Giroflee, saying, “I will answer that this will make them
happy.”“I am not of your opinion,” said Martin, “perhaps this money will
only make them wretched.”“Be that as it may,” said Candide, “one thing comforts me; I see
that one often meets with those whom one never expected to see again;so that, perhaps, as I have found my red sheep and Pacquette, I may belucky enough to find Miss Cunegund also.”“I wish,” said Martin, “she one day may make you happy; but I
doubt it much.”“You lack faith,” said Candide.
“It is because,” said Martin, “I have seen the world.”“Observe those gondoliers,” said Candide, “are they not
perpetually singing?”“You do not see them,” answered Martin, “at home with theirwives and brats. The doge has his chagrin, gondoliers
theirs.Nevertheless, in the main, I look upon the gondolier’s life aspreferable to that of the doge; but the difference is so trifling that it is
not worth the trouble of examining into.”“I have heard great talk,” said Candide, “of the Senator
Pococurante, who lives in that fine house at the Brenta, where, theysay, he entertains foreigners in the most polite manner.”“They pretend this man is a perfect stranger to uneasiness. I should
be glad to see so extraordinary a being,” said Martin.
Candide thereupon sent a messenger to Seignor Pococurante,desiring permission to wait on him the next day.

CHAPTER 25
Candide and Martin Pay a Visit to Seignor Pococurante,a Noble Venetian
Candide and his friend Martin went in a gondola on the Brenta,
and arrived at the palace of the noble Pococurante. The gardens werelaid out in elegant taste, and adorned with fine marble statues; his
palace was built after the most approved rules of architecture. The
master of the house, who was a man of affairs, and very rich, received
our two travelers with great politeness, but without much ceremony,
which somewhat disconcerted Candide, but was not at all displeasing toMartin.
As soon as they were seated, two very pretty girls, neatly dressed,brought in chocolate, which was extremely well prepared.Candide
could not help praising their beauty and graceful carriage.
“The creatures are all right,” said the senator; “I amuse myself withthem sometimes, for I am heartily tired of the women of the town, theircoquetry, their jealousy, their quarrels, their humors, their meannesses,
their pride, and their folly; I am weary of making sonnets, or of paying
for sonnets to be made on them; but after all, these two girls begin togrow very indifferent to me.”After having refreshed himself, Candide walked into a large
gallery, where he was struck with the sight of a fine collection ofpaintings.
“Pray,” said Candide, “by what master are the two first of these?”“They are by Raphael,” answered the senator. “I gave a great dealof money for them seven years ago, purely out of curiosity, as they
were said to be the finest pieces in Italy; but I cannot say they pleaseme: the coloring is dark and heavy; the figures do not swell nor comeout enough; and the drapery is bad. In short, notwithstanding theencomiums lavished upon them, they are not, in my opinion, a true
representation of nature. I approve of no paintings save those wherein I
think I behold nature itself; and there are few, if any, of that kind to be
met with. I have what is called a fine collection, but I take no manner ofdelight in it.”
While dinner was being prepared Pococurante ordered aconcert.Candide praised the music to the skies.
78

Candide79“This noise,” said the noble Venetian, “may amuse one for a little
time, but if it were to last above half an hour, it would grow tiresome toeverybody, though perhaps no one would care to own it.Music has
become the art of executing what is difficult; now, whatever is difficult
cannot be long pleasing.
“I believe I might take more pleasure in an opera, if they had notmade such a monster of that species of dramatic entertainment as
perfectly shocks me; and I am amazed how people can bear to see
wretched tragedies set to music; where the scenes are contrived for noother purpose than to lug in, as it were by the ears, three or four
ridiculous songs, to give a favorite actress an opportunity of exhibiting
her pipe. Let who will die away in raptures at the trills of a eunuch
quavering the majestic part of Caesar or Cato, and strutting in a foolishmanner upon the stage, but for my part I have long ago renounced thesepaltry entertainments, which constitute the glory of modern Italy, andare so dearly purchased by crowned heads.”
Candide opposed these sentiments; but he did it in a discreet
manner; as for Martin, he was entirely of the old senator’s opinion.
Dinner being served they sat down to table, and, after a hearty
repast, returned to the library. Candide, observing Homer richly bound,commended the noble Venetian’s taste.
“This,” said he, “is a book that was once the delight of the great
Pangloss, the best philosopher in Germany.”“Homer is no favorite of mine,” answered Pococurante, coolly, “I
was made to believe once that I took a pleasure in reading him; but his
continual repetitions of battles have all such a resemblance with eachother; his gods that are forever in haste and bustle, without ever doing
anything; his Helen, who is the cause of the war, and yet hardly acts inthe whole performance; his Troy, that holds out so long, without being
taken: in short, all these things together make the poem very insipid tome. I have asked some learned men, whether they are not in reality asmuch tired as myself with reading this poet: those who spoke
ingenuously, assured me that he had made them fall asleep, and yet thatthey could not well avoid giving him a place in their libraries; but that
it was merely as they would do an antique, or those rusty medals which
are kept only for curiosity, and are of no manner of use in commerce.”“But your excellency does not surely form the same opinion of
Virgil?” said Candide.
“Why, I grant,” replied Pococurante, “that the second, third, fourth,and sixth books of his Aeneid, are excellent; but as for his pious
Aeneas, his strong Cloanthus, his friendly Achates, his boy Ascanius,
his silly king Latinus, his ill–bred Amata, his insipid Lavinia, and someother characters much in the same strain, I think there cannot in nature

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be anything more flat and disagreeable. I must confess I prefer Tasso
far beyond him; nay, even that sleepy taleteller Ariosto.”“May I take the liberty to ask if you do not experience great
pleasure from reading Horace?” said Candide.
“There are maxims in this writer,” replied Pococurante, “whence a
man of the world may reap some benefit; and the short measure of theverse makes them more easily to be retained in the memory. But I see
nothing extraordinary in his journey to Brundusium, and his account of
his had dinner; nor in his dirty, low quarrel between one Rupillius,
whose words, as he expresses it, were full of poisonous filth; andanother, whose language was dipped in vinegar. His indelicate verses
against old women and witches have frequently given me great offense:
nor can I discover the great merit of his telling his friend Maecenas,that if he will but rank him in the class of lyric poets, his lofty head
shall touch the stars. Ignorant readers are apt to judge a writer by his
reputation. For my part, I read only to please myself. I like nothing but
what makes for my purpose.”
Candide, who had been brought up with a notion of never making
use of his own judgment, was astonished at what he heard; but Martin
found there was a good deal of reason in the senator’s remarks.
“Oh! here is a Tully,” said Candide; “this great man I fancy you
are never tired of reading?”“Indeed I never read him at all,” replied Pococurante. “What is it tome whether he pleads for Rabirius or Cluentius? I try causes enoughmyself. I had once some liking for his philosophical works; but when I
found he doubted everything, I thought I knew as much as himself, andhad no need of a guide to learn ignorance.”“Ha!” cried Martin, “here are fourscore volumes of the memoirs of
the Academy of Sciences; perhaps there may be something curious andvaluable in this collection.”“Yes,” answered Pococurante, “so there might if any one of thesecompilers of this rubbish had only invented the art of pin–making; but
all these volumes are filled with mere chimerical systems, without one
single article conductive to real utility.”“I see a prodigious number of plays,” said Candide, “in Italian,
Spanish, and French.”“Yes,” replied the Venetian, “there are I think three thousand, andnot three dozen of them good for anything. As to those huge volumesof divinity, and those enormous collections of sermons, they are not all
together worth one single page in Seneca; and I fancy you will readily
believe that neither myself, nor anyone else, ever looks into them.”
Martin, perceiving some shelves filled with English books, said tothe senator, “I fancy that a republican must be highly delighted with

Candide81

those books, which are most of them written with a noble spirit of
freedom.”“It is noble to write as we think,” said Pococurante; “it is theprivilege of humanity. Throughout Italy we write only what we do notthink; and the present inhabitants of the country of the Caesars andAntonines dare not acquire a single idea without the permission of a
Dominican father. I should be enamored of the spirit of the English
nation, did it not utterly frustrate the good effects it would produce bypassion and the spirit of party.”
Candide, seeing a Milton, asked the senator if he did not think that
author a great man.
“Who?” said Pococurante sharply; “that barbarian who writes a
tedious commentary in ten books of rumbling verse, on the first chapterof Genesis? that slovenly imitator of the Greeks, who disfigures thecreation, by making the Messiah take a pair of compasses fromHeaven’s armory to plan the world; whereas Moses represented theDiety as producing the whole universe by his fiat? Can I think you haveany esteem for a writer who has spoiled Tasso’s Hell and the Devil;
who transforms Lucifer sometimes into a toad, and at others into apygmy; who makes him say the same thing over again a hundred times;
who metamorphoses him into a school–divine; and who, by an absurdly
serious imitation of Ariosto’s comic invention of firearms, represents
the devils and angels cannonading each other in Heaven? Neither I nor
any other Italian can possibly take pleasure in such melancholy
reveries; but the marriage of Sin and Death, and snakes issuing fromthe womb of the former, are enough to make any person sick that is not
lost to all sense of delicacy. This obscene, whimsical, and disagreeable
poem met with the neglect it deserved at its first publication; and I only
treat the author now as he was treated in his own country by his
contemporaries.”
Candide was sensibly grieved at this speech, as he had a great
respect for Homer, and was fond of Milton.
“Alas!” said he softly to Martin, “I am afraid this man holds ourGerman poets in great contempt.”“There would be no such great harm in that,” said Martin.
“O what a surprising man!” said Candide, still to himself; “what a
prodigious genius is this Pococurante! nothing can please him.”
After finishing their survey of the library, they went down into thegarden, when Candide commended the several beauties that offeredthemselves to his view.
“I know nothing upon earth laid out in such had taste,” said
Pococurante; “everything about it is childish and trifling; but I shallhave another laid out tomorrow upon a nobler plan.”

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As soon as our two travelers had taken leave of His Excellency,
Candide said to Martin, “Well, I hope you will own that this man is thehappiest of all mortals, for he is above everything he possesses.”“But do not you see,” answered Martin, “that he likewise dislikes
everything he possesses? It was an observation of Plato, long since, thatthose are not the best stomachs that reject, without distinction, all sortsof aliments.”“True,” said Candide, “but still there must certainly be a pleasurein criticising everything, and in perceiving faults where others thinkthey see beauties.”“That is,” replied Martin, “there is a pleasure in having nopleasure.”“Well, well,” said Candide, “I find that I shall be the only happy
man at last, when I am blessed with the sight of my dear Cunegund.”“It is good to hope,” said Martin.
In the meanwhile, days and weeks passed away, and no news ofCacambo. Candide was so overwhelmed with grief, that he did notreflect on the behavior of Pacquette and Friar Giroflee, who neverstayed to return him thanks for the presents he had so generously madethem.

CHAPTER 26
Candide and Martin Sup with Six Sharpers – Who They
Were
One evening as Candide, with his attendant Martin, was going tosit down to supper with some foreigners who lodged in the same inn
where they had taken up their quarters, a man with a face the color ofsoot came behind him, and taking him by the arm, said, “Hold yourself
in readiness to go along with us; be sure you do not fail.”Upon this, turning about to see from whom these words came, hebeheld Cacambo. Nothing but the sight of Miss Cunegund could havegiven him greater joy and surprise. He was almost beside himself, andembraced this dear friend.
“Cunegund!” said he, “Cunegund is come with you doubtless!
Where, where is she? Carry me to her this instant, that I may die withjoy in her presence.”“Cunegund is not here,” answered Cacambo; “she is inConstantinople.”“Good heavens! in Constantinople! but no matter if she were in
China, I would fly thither. Quick, quick, dear Cacambo, let us begone.”“Soft and fair,” said Cacambo, “stay till you have supped. I cannot
at present stay to say anything more to you; I am a slave, and mymaster waits for me; I must go and attend him at table: but mum! say
not a word, only get your supper, and hold yourself in readiness.”
Candide, divided between joy and grief, charmed to have thus met
with his faithful agent again, and surprised to hear he was a slave, hisheart palpitating, his senses confused, but full of the hopes ofrecovering his dear Cunegund, sat down to table with Martin, whobeheld all these scenes with great unconcern, and with six strangers,
who had come to spend the Carnival at Venice.
Cacambo waited at table upon one of those strangers. When supper
was nearly over, he drew near to his master, and whispered in his ear:
“Sire, Your Majesty may go when you please; the ship is ready”;
and so saying he left the room.
The guests, surprised at what they had heard, looked at each otherwithout speaking a word; when another servant drawing near to his83

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master, in like manner said, “Sire, Your Majesty’s post–chaise is at
Padua, and the bark is ready.” The master made him a sign, and heinstantly withdrew.
The company all stared at each other again, and the generalastonishment was increased. A third servant then approached another ofthe strangers, and said, “Sire, if Your Majesty will be advised by me,
you will not make any longer stay in this place; I will go and get
everything ready”; and instantly disappeared.
Candide and Martin then took it for granted that this was some ofthe diversions of the Carnival, and that these were characters inmasquerade. Then a fourth domestic said to the fourth stranger, “Your
Majesty may set off when you please”; saying which, he went away
like the rest. A fifth valet said the same to a fifth master. But the sixth
domestic spoke in a different style to the person on whom he waited,
and who sat near to Candide.
“Troth, sir,” said he, “they will trust Your Majesty no longer, normyself neither; and we may both of us chance to be sent to jail this verynight; and therefore I shall take care of myself, and so adieu.”
The servants being all gone, the six strangers, with Candide andMartin, remained in a profound silence. At length Candide broke it bysaying:“Gentlemen, this is a very singular joke upon my word; how came
you all to be kings? For my part I own frankly, that neither my friend
Martin here, nor myself, have any claim to royalty.”
Cacambo’s master then began, with great gravity, to deliver
himself thus in Italian:“I am not joking in the least, my name is Achmet III. I was Grand
Sultan for many years; I dethroned my brother, my nephew dethronedme, my viziers lost their heads, and I am condemned to end my days in
the old seraglio. My nephew, the Grand Sultan Mahomet, gives me
permission to travel sometimes for my health, and I am come to spend
the Carnival at Venice.”
A young man who sat by Achmet, spoke next, and said:“My name is Ivan. I was once Emperor of all the Russians, but was
dethroned in my cradle. My parents were confined, and I was brought
up in a prison, yet I am sometimes allowed to travel, though always
with persons to keep a guard over me, and I come to spend the Carnivalat Venice.”
The third said:“I am Charles Edward, King of England; my father has renounced
his right to the throne in my favor. I have fought in defense of myrights, and near a thousand of my friends have had their hearts takenout of their bodies alive and thrown in their faces. I have myself been

Candide85

confined in a prison. I am going to Rome to visit the King, my father,
who was dethroned as well as myself; and my grandfather and I havecome to spend the Carnival at Venice.”
The fourth spoke thus:“I am the King of Poland; the fortune of war has stripped me of myhereditary dominions. My father experienced the same vicissitudes offate. I resign myself to the will of Providence, in the same manner as
Sultan Achmet, the Emperor Ivan, and King Charles Edward, whom
God long preserve; and I have come to spend the Carnival at Venice.”
The fifth said:“I am King of Poland also. I have twice lost my kingdom; but
Providence has given me other dominions, where I have done moregood than all the Sarmatian kings put together were ever able to do on
the banks of the Vistula; I resign myself likewise to Providence; andhave come to spend the Carnival at Venice.”
It now came to the sixth monarch’s turn to speak. “Gentlemen,”said he, “I am not so great a prince as the rest of you, it is true, but I
am, however, a crowned head. I am Theodore, elected King of Corsica.
I have had the title of Majesty, and am now hardly treated with
common civility. I have coined money, and am not now worth a single
ducat. I have had two secretaries, and am now without a valet. I wasonce seated on a throne, and since that have lain upon a truss of straw,
in a common jail in London, and I very much fear I shall meet with thesame fate here in Venice, where I came, like Your Majesties, to divert
myself at the Carnival.”
The other five Kings listened to this speech with great attention; it
excited their compassion; each of them made the unhappy Theodore apresent of twenty sequins, and Candide gave him a diamond, worth justa hundred times that sum.
“Who can this private person be,” said the five Kings to one
another, “who is able to give, and has actually given, a hundred times
as much as any of us?”Just as they rose from table, in came four Serene Highnesses, who
had also been stripped of their territories by the fortune of war, and hadcome to spend the remainder of the Carnival at Venice. Candide took
no manner of notice of them; for his thoughts were wholly employedon his voyage to Constantinople, where he intended to go in search of
his lovely Miss Cunegund.

CHAPTER 27
Candide’s Voyage to Constantinople
The trusty Cacambo had already engaged the captain of theTurkish ship that was to carry Sultan Achmet back to Constantinople totake Candide and Martin on board. Accordingly they both embarked,
after paying their obeisance to his miserable Highness. As they weregoing on board, Candide said to Martin:“You see we supped in company with six dethroned Kings, and to
one of them I gave charity. Perhaps there may be a great many otherprinces still more unfortunate. For my part I have lost only a hundred
sheep, and am now going to fly to the arms of my charming Miss
Cunegund. My dear Martin, I must insist on it, that Pangloss was in theright. All is for the best.”“I wish it may be,” said Martin.
“But this was an odd adventure we met with at Venice. I do notthink there ever was an instance before of six dethroned monarchs
supping together at a public inn.”“This is not more extraordinary,” said Martin, “than most of what
has happened to us. It is a very common thing for kings to bedethroned; and as for our having the honor to sup with six of them, it isa mere accident, not deserving our attention.”
As soon as Candide set his foot on board the vessel, he flew to his
old friend and valet Cacambo and, throwing his arms about his neck,embraced him with transports of joy.
“Well,” said he, “what news of Miss Cunegund? Does she still
continue the paragon of beauty? Does she love me still? How does she
do? You have, doubtless, purchased a superb palace for her at
Constantinople.”“My dear master,” replied Cacambo, “Miss Cunegund washes
dishes on the banks of the Propontis, in the house of a prince who hasvery few to wash. She is at present a slave in the family of an ancient
sovereign named Ragotsky, whom the Grand Turk allows three crowns
a day to maintain him in his exile; but the most melancholy
circumstance of all is, that she is turned horribly ugly.”“Ugly or handsome,” said Candide, “I am a man of honor and, assuch, am obliged to love her still. But how could she possibly have86

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been reduced to so abject a condition, when I sent five or six millions toher by you?”“Lord bless me,” said Cacambo, “was not I obliged to give two
millions to Seignor Don Fernando d’Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y
Lampourdos y Souza, the Governor of Buenos Ayres, for liberty to takeMiss Cunegund away with me? And then did not a brave fellow of apirate gallantly strip us of all the rest? And then did not this same pirate
carry us with him to Cape Matapan, to Milo, to Nicaria, to Samos, toPetra, to the Dardanelles, to Marmora, to Scutari? Miss Cunegund andthe old woman are now servants to the prince I have told you of; and I
myself am slave to the dethroned Sultan.”“What a chain of shocking accidents!” exclaimed Candide. “Butafter all, I have still some diamonds left, with which I can easily
procure Miss Cunegund’s liberty. It is a pity though she is grown sougly.”
Then turning to Martin, “What think you, friend,” said he, “whose
condition is most to be pitied, the Emperor Achmet’s, the Emperor
Ivan’s, King Charles Edward’s, or mine?”“Faith, I cannot resolve your question,” said Martin, “unless I had
been in the breasts of you all.”“Ah!” cried Candide, “was Pangloss here now, he would have
known, and satisfied me at once.”“I know not,” said Martin, “in what balance your Pangloss could
have weighed the misfortunes of mankind, and have set a justestimation on their sufferings. All that I pretend to know of the matteris that there are millions of men on the earth, whose conditions are ahundred times more pitiable than those of King Charles Edward, theEmperor Ivan, or Sultan Achmet.”“Why, that may be,” answered Candide.
In a few days they reached the Bosphorus; and the first thing
Candide did was to pay a high ransom for Cacambo; then, without
losing time, he and his companions went on board a galley, in order tosearch for his Cunegund on the banks of the Propontis, notwithstanding
she was grown so ugly.
There were two slaves among the crew of the galley, who rowed
very ill, and to whose bare backs the master of the vessel frequently
applied a lash. Candide, from natural sympathy, looked at these twoslaves more attentively than at any of the rest, and drew near them withan eye of pity. Their features, though greatly disfigured, appeared tohim to bear a strong resemblance with those of Pangloss and theunhappy Baron Jesuit, Miss Cunegund’s brother. This idea affected him
with grief and compassion: he examined them more attentively than
before.

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VOLTAIRE“In troth,” said he, turning to Martin, “if I had not seen my master
Pangloss fairly hanged, and had not myself been unlucky enough to run
the Baron through the body, I should absolutely think those two rowers
were the men.”
No sooner had Candide uttered the names of the Baron andPangloss, than the two slaves gave a great cry, ceased rowing, and let
fall their oars out of their hands. The master of the vessel, seeing this,ran up to them, and redoubled the discipline of the lash.
“Hold, hold,” cried Candide, “I will give you what money you
shall ask for these two persons.”“Good heavens! it is Candide,” said one of the men.
“Candide!” cried the other.
“Do I dream,” said Candide, “or am I awake? Am I actually on
board this galley? Is this My Lord the Baron, whom I killed? and thatmy master Pangloss, whom I saw hanged before my face?”“It is I! it is I!” cried they both together.
“What! is this your great philosopher?” said Martin.
“My dear sir,” said Candide to the master of the galley, “how muchdo you ask for the ransom of the Baron of Thunder–ten–tronckh, who is
one of the first barons of the empire, and of Monsieur Pangloss, themost profound metaphysician in Germany?”“Why, then, Christian cur,” replied the Turkish captain, “sincethese two dogs of Christian slaves are barons and metaphysicians, who
no doubt are of high rank in their own country, thou shalt give me fifty
thousand sequins.”“You shall have them, sir; carry me back as quick as thought toConstantinople, and you shall receive the money immediately –No!carry me first to Miss Cunegund.”
The captain, upon Candide’s first proposal, had already tacked
about, and he made the crew ply their oars so effectually, that the vessel
flew through the water, quicker than a bird cleaves the air.
Candide bestowed a thousand embraces on the Baron andPangloss. “And so then, my dear Baron, I did not kill you? and you, mydear Pangloss, are come to life again after your hanging? But how came
you slaves on board a Turkish galley?”“And is it true that my dear sister is in this country?” said theBaron.
“Yes,” said Cacambo.
“And do I once again behold my dear Candide?” said Pangloss.
Candide presented Martin and Cacambo to them; they embraced
each other, and all spoke together. The galley flew like lightning, andsoon they were got back to port. Candide instantly sent for a Jew, towhom he sold for fifty thousand sequins a diamond richly worth one

Candide89

hundred thousand, though the fellow swore to him all the time by
Father Abraham that he gave him the most he could possibly afford.He
no sooner got the money into his hands, than he paid it down for the
ransom of the Baron and Pangloss. The latter flung himself at the feetof his deliverer, and bathed him with his tears; the former thanked him
with a gracious nod, and promised to return him the money the firstopportunity.
“But is it possible,” said he, “that my sister should be in Turkey?”“Nothing is more possible,” answered Cacambo, “for she scours
the dishes in the house of a Transylvanian prince.”
Candide sent directly for two Jews, and sold more diamonds tothem; and then he set out with his companions in another galley, todeliver Miss Cunegund from slavery.

CHAPTER 28
What Befell Candide, Cunegund, Pangloss, Martin, etc.
Pardon,” said Candide to the Baron; “once more let me entreat
your pardon, Reverend Father, for running you through the body.”“Say no more about it,” replied the Baron. “I was a little too hasty I
must own; but as you seem to be desirous to know by what accident I
came to be a slave on board the galley where you saw me, I will informyou. After I had been cured of the wound you gave me, by the College
apothecary, I was attacked and carried off by a party of Spanish troops,
who clapped me in prison in Buenos Ayres, at the very time my sister
was setting out from there. I asked leave to return to Rome, to thegeneral of my Order, who appointed me chaplain to the French
Ambassador at Constantinople. I had not been a week in my new
office, when I happened to meet one evening a young Icoglan,
extremely handsome and well–made. The weather was very hot; theyoung man had an inclination to bathe. I took the opportunity to bathe
likewise. I did not know it was a crime for a Christian to be foundnaked in company with a young Turk. A cadi ordered me to receive ahundred blows on the soles of my feet, and sent me to the galleys. I do
not believe that there was ever an act of more flagrant injustice. But I
would fain know how my sister came to be a scullion to a
Transylvanian prince, who has taken refuge among the Turks?”“But how happens it that I behold you again, my dear Pangloss?”
said Candide.
“It is true,” answered Pangloss, “you saw me hanged, though I
ought properly to have been burned; but you may remember, that itrained extremely hard when they were going to roast me. The storm
was so violent that they found it impossible to light the fire; so theyhanged me because they could do no better. A surgeon purchased mybody, carried it home, and prepared to dissect me. He began by making
a crucial incision from my navel to the clavicle. It is impossible foranyone to have been more lamely hanged than I had been.The
executioner was a subdeacon, and knew how to burn people very well,
but as for hanging, he was a novice at it, being quite out of practice; thecord being wet, and not slipping properly, the noose did not join. In
short, I still continued to breathe; the crucial incision made me scream90

Candide91

to such a degree, that my surgeon fell flat upon his back; and imagining
it was the Devil he was dissecting, ran away, and in his fright tumbled
down stairs. His wife hearing the noise, flew from the next room, andseeing me stretched upon the table with my crucial incision, was still
more terrified than her husband, and fell upon him. When they had alittle recovered themselves, I heard her say to her husband, ‘My dear,
how could you think of dissecting a heretic? Don’t you know that theDevil is always in them? I’ll run directly to a priest to come and drive
the evil spirit out.’ I trembled from head to foot at hearing her talk inthis manner, and exerted what little strength I had left to cry out, ‘Have
mercy on me!’ At length the Portuguese barber took courage, sewed up
my wound, and his wife nursed me; and I was upon my legs in afortnight’s time. The barber got me a place to be lackey to a Knight ofMalta, who was going to Venice; but finding my master had no money
to pay me my wages, I entered into the service of a Venetian merchant
and went with him to Constantinople.
“One day I happened to enter a mosque, where I saw no one but an
old man and a very pretty young female devotee, who was telling herbeads; her neck was quite bare, and in her bosom she had a beautiful
nosegay of tulips, roses, anemones, ranunculuses, hyacinths, andauriculas; she let fall her nosegay. I ran immediately to take it up, andpresented it to her with a most respectful bow. I was so long indelivering it that the man began to be angry; and, perceiving I was a
Christian, he cried out for help; they carried me before the cadi, whoordered me to receive one hundred bastinadoes, and sent me to thegalleys. I was chained in the very galley and to the very same benchwith the Baron. On board this galley there were four young men
belonging to Marseilles, five Neapolitan priests, and two monks ofCorfu, who told us that the like adventures happened every day. The
Baron pretended that he had been worse used than myself; and I
insisted that there was far less harm in taking up a nosegay, and putting
it into a woman’s bosom, than to be found stark naked with a young
Icoglan. We were continually whipped, and received twenty lashes a
day with a heavy thong, when the concatenation of sublunary eventsbrought you on board our galley to ransom us from slavery.”“Well, my dear Pangloss,” said Candide to him, “when You were
hanged, dissected, whipped, and tugging at the oar, did you continue tothink that everything in this world happens for the best?”“I have always abided by my first opinion,” answered Pangloss;“for, after all, I am a philosopher, and it would not become me toretract my sentiments; especially as Leibnitz could not be in the wrong:
and that preestablished harmony is the finest thing in the world, as well
as a plenum and the materia subtilis.”

CHAPTER 29
In What Manner Candide Found Miss Cunegund and the
Old Woman Again
While Candide, the Baron, Pangloss, Martin, and Cacambo, wererelating their several adventures, and reasoning on the contingent or
noncontingent events of this world; on causes and effects; on moral andphysical evil; on free will and necessity; and on the consolation that
may be felt by a person when a slave and chained to an oar in a Turkish
galley, they arrived at the house of the Transylvanian prince on the
shores of the Propontis. The first objects they beheld there, were Miss
Cunegund and the old woman, who were hanging some tablecloths on aline to dry.
The Baron turned pale at the sight. Even the tender Candide, that
affectionate lover, upon seeing his fair Cunegund all sunburned, withbleary eyes, a withered neck, wrinkled face and arms, all covered witha red scurf, started back with horror; but, not withstanding, recovering
himself, he advanced towards her out of good manners. She embraced
Candide and her brother; they embraced the old woman, and Candide
ransomed them both.
There was a small farm in the neighborhood which the old woman
proposed to Candide to make shift with till the company should meetwith a more favorable destiny. Cunegund, not knowing that she wasgrown ugly, as no one had informed her of it, reminded Candide of his
promise in so peremptory a manner, that the simple lad did not dare torefuse her; he then acquainted the Baron that he was going to marry his
sister.
“I will never suffer,” said the Baron, “my sister to be guilty of anaction so derogatory to her birth and family; nor will I bear thisinsolence on your part. No, I never will be reproached that my nephews
are not qualified for the first ecclesiastical dignities in Germany; norshall a sister of mine ever be the wife of any person below the rank ofBaron of the Empire.”
Cunegund flung herself at her brother’s feet, and bedewed themwith her tears; but he still continued inflexible.
“Thou foolish fellow, said Candide, “have I not delivered theefrom the galleys, paid thy ransom, and thy sister’s, too, who was a92

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scullion, and is very ugly, and yet condescend to marry her? and shalt
thou pretend to oppose the match! If I were to listen only to the dictatesof my anger, I should kill thee again.”“Thou mayest kill me again,” said the Baron; “but thou shalt notmarry my sister while I am living.”

CHAPTER 30
Conclusion
Candide had, in truth, no great inclination to marry Miss
Cunegund; but the extreme impertinence of the Baron determined him
to conclude the match; and Cunegund pressed him so warmly, that hecould not recant. He consulted Pangloss, Martin, and the faithful
Cacambo. Pangloss composed a fine memorial, by which he provedthat the Baron had no right over his sister; and that she might,
according to all the laws of the Empire, marry Candide with the left
hand. Martin concluded to throw the Baron into the sea; Cacambo
decided that he must be delivered to the Turkish captain and sent to thegalleys; after which he should be conveyed by the first ship to the
Father General at Rome. This advice was found to be good; the oldwoman approved of it, and not a syllable was said to his sister; thebusiness was executed for a little money; and they had the pleasure of
tricking a Jesuit, and punishing the pride of a German baron.
It was altogether natural to imagine, that after undergoing so many
disasters, Candide, married to his mistress and living with thephilosopher Pangloss, the philosopher Martin, the prudent Cacambo,
and the old woman, having besides brought home so many diamonds
from the country of the ancient Incas, would lead the most agreeable
life in the world. But he had been so robbed by the Jews, that he had
nothing left but his little farm; his wife, every day growing more andmore ugly, became headstrong and insupportable; the old woman was
infirm, and more ill–natured yet than Cunegund. Cacambo, whoworked in the garden, and carried the produce of it to sell inConstantinople, was above his labor, and cursed his fate. Pangloss
despaired of making a figure in any of the German universities. And as
to Martin, he was firmly persuaded that a person is equally ill–situatedeverywhere.He took things with patience.
Candide, Martin, and Pangloss disputed sometimes about
metaphysics and morality. Boats were often seen passing under thewindows of the farm laden with effendis, bashaws, and cadis, that weregoing into banishment to Lemnos, Mytilene and Erzerum. And othercadis, bashaws, and effendis were seen coming back to succeed theplace of the exiles, and were driven out in their turns. They saw several
94

Candide95

heads curiously stuck upon poles, and carried as presents to theSublime Porte. Such sights gave occasion to frequent dissertations; andwhen no disputes were in progress, the irksomeness was so excessivethat the old woman ventured one day to tell them:“I would be glad to know which is worst, to be ravished a hundred
times by Negro pirates, to have one buttock cut off, to run the gauntlet
among the Bulgarians, to be whipped and hanged at an auto–da–fe, tobe dissected, to be chained to an oar in a galley; and, in short, toexperience all the miseries through which every one of us hath passed,
or to remain here doing nothing?”“This,” said Candide, “is a grand question.”
This discourse gave birth to new reflections, and Martin especiallyconcluded that man was born to live in the convulsions of disquiet, orin the lethargy of idleness. Though Candide did not absolutely agree tothis, yet he did not determine anything on that head. Pangloss avowedthat he had undergone dreadful sufferings; but having once maintainedthat everything went on as well as possible, he still maintained it, and at
the same time believed nothing of it.
There was one thing which more than ever confirmed Martin in his
detestable principles, made Candide hesitate, and embarrassed
Pangloss, which was the arrival of Pacquette and Brother Giroflee one
day at their farm. This couple had been in the utmost distress; they hadvery speedily made away with their three thousand piastres; they had
parted, been reconciled; quarreled again, been thrown into prison; hadmade their escape, and at last Brother Giroflee had turned Turk.
Pacquette still continued to follow her trade; but she got little ornothing by it.
“I foresaw very well,” said Martin to Candide “that your presents
would soon be squandered, and only make them more miserable. You
and Cacambo have spent millions of piastres, and yet you are not more
happy than Brother Giroflee and Pacquette.”“Ah!” said Pangloss to Pacquette, “it is Heaven that has brought
you here among us, my poor child! Do you know that you have cost me
the tip of my nose, one eye, and one ear? What a handsome shape ishere!and what is this world!”
This new adventure engaged them more deeply than ever inphilosophical disputations.
In the neighborhood lived a famous dervish who passed for thebest philosopher in Turkey; they went to consult him: Pangloss, who
was their spokesman, addressed him thus:“Master, we come to entreat you to tell us why so strange ananimal as man has been formed?”

96

VOLTAIRE“Why do you trouble your head about it?” said the dervish; “is it
any business of yours?”“But, Reverend Father,” said Candide, “there is a horrible deal ofevil on the earth.”“What signifies it,” said the dervish, “whether there is evil orgood? When His Highness sends a ship to Egypt does he trouble hishead whether the rats in the vessel are at their ease or not?”“What must then be done?” said Pangloss.
“Be silent,” answered the dervish.
“I flattered myself,” replied Pangloss, “to have reasoned a little
with you on the causes and effects, on the best of possible worlds, theorigin of evil, the nature of the soul, and a pre–established harmony.”At these words the dervish shut the door in their faces.
During this conversation, news was spread abroad that two viziersof the bench and the mufti had just been strangled at Constantinople,
and several of their friends impaled. This catastrophe made a great
noise for some hours. Pangloss, Candide, and Martin, as they werereturning to the little farm, met with a good–looking old man, who was
taking the air at his door, under an alcove formed of the boughs oforange trees. Pangloss, who was as inquisitive as he was disputative,
asked him what was the name of the mufti who was lately strangled.
“I cannot tell,” answered the good old man; “I never knew thename of any mufti, or vizier breathing. I am entirely ignorant of theevent you speak of; I presume that in general such as are concerned inpublic affairs sometimes come to a miserable end; and that they deserve
it: but I never inquire what is doing at Constantinople; I am contented
with sending thither the produce of my garden, which I cultivate with
my own hands.”
After saying these words, he invited the strangers to come into his
house. His two daughters and two sons presented them with divers sortsof sherbet of their own making; besides caymac, heightened with thepeels of candied citrons, oranges, lemons, pineapples, pistachio nuts,
and Mocha coffee unadulterated with the bad coffee of Batavia or theAmerican islands. After which the two daughters of this good
Mussulman perfumed the beards of Candide, Pangloss, and Martin.
“You must certainly have a vast estate,” said Candide to the Turk.
“I have no more than twenty acres of ground,” he replied, “thewhole of which I cultivate myself with the help of my children; and ourlabor keeps off from us three great evils – idleness, vice, and want.”
Candide, as he was returning home, made profound reflections on
the Turk’s discourse.

Candide97“This good old man,” said he to Pangloss and Martin, “appears to
me to have chosen for himself a lot much preferable to that of the six
Kings with whom we had the honor to sup.”“Human grandeur,” said Pangloss, “is very dangerous, if we
believe the testimonies of almost all philosophers; for we find Eglon,
King of Moab, was assassinated by Aod; Absalom was hanged by thehair of his head, and run through with three darts; King Nadab, son of
Jeroboam, was slain by Baaza; King Ela by Zimri; Okosias by Jehu;
Athaliah by Jehoiada; the Kings Jehooiakim, Jeconiah, and Zedekiah,
were led into captivity: I need not tell you what was the fate of Croesus,
Astyages, Darius, Dionysius of Syracuse, Pyrrhus, Perseus, Hannibal,
Jugurtha, Ariovistus, Caesar, Pompey, Nero, Otho, Vitellius, Domitian,Richard II of England, Edward II, Henry VI, Richard Ill, Mary Stuart,Charles I, the three Henrys of France, and the Emperor Henry IV.”
“Neither need you tell me,” said Candide, “that we must take careof our garden.”“You are in the right,” said Pangloss; “for when man was put into
the garden of Eden, it was with an intent to dress it; and this proves thatman was not born to be idle.”“Work then without disputing,” said Martin; “it is the only way torender life supportable.”
The little society, one and all, entered into this laudable design andset themselves to exert their different talents. The little piece of groundyielded them a plentiful crop. Cunegund indeed was very ugly, but she
became an excellent hand at pastrywork: Pacquette embroidered; theold woman had the care of the linen. There was none, down to Brother
Giroflee, but did some service; he was a very good carpenter, andbecame an honest man. Pangloss used now and then to say to Candide:“There is a concatenation of all events in the best of possible
worlds; for, in short, had you not been kicked out of a fine castle for thelove of Miss Cunegund; had you not been put into the Inquisition; had
you not traveled over America on foot; had you not run the Baron
through the body; and had you not lost all your sheep, which you
brought from the good country of El Dorado, you would not have been
here to eat preserved citrons and pistachio nuts.”“Excellently observed,” answered Candide; “but let us cultivate
our garden.”–– THE END ––98