Chapter 3
Of Women and Men, MarriedLife and Single

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Of Women and Men, Married Life and Single

Many mountains to cross
By Karin Hanazono, 40s, Kobe
My small home was my kingdom, over which I ruled supreme for 15 years as aprofessional homemaker. But, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end.
When the kingdom crumbled, I was left with the old folk.
At the crack of dawn the day of the quake, my parents-in-law came, clutching asalvaged antique cigarette box. “The house is gone,” they said and moved in with us.
Although the two of them had previously boasted that they would never become aburden on their children in their old age, their independence collapsed with their housein just 20 seconds.
It is said that the elderly are slow to adapt to changes. This is simply not true!
As soon as the phones started working again, they called everybody they knew, giving
the royal pronouncement that it’s the children’s duty to look after the parents. “Leavethe shelters,” they advised their friends, “and go to your eldest son’s home. What else
are children for?”
What happened to the idea that society was obligated to take care of theelderly? The revision brought storm clouds to my kingdom.
I felt that our home, newly built with its subtle gray yones, was invaded. The
invasion was symbolized by a plastic chopstick stand they bought at the 100-yen shop.
From sun-up to sundown they nag at the kids, telling them to be careful, quiet and tidy.
They seem to want to provoke trouble.
Based on the reasoning that the wife of the eldest son is nothing more than an
appendage, they propagandize about filial duty. But great grandma, nearly 90 years old,is left at an evacuation shelter. I’d like to know how they got exempted from their filial
duty.
The local government and the media only want to see the number of people inshelters declining. Once the evacuees get accommodated elsewhere, their living
expenses and conditions will become their own responsibility. If everybody was absorbed
into relatives’ homes, there would be no more statistics and everything would be justfine.
Some people idealize the family as some wonderful image built on pure love.
They constantly blab on about this nonsense. Those who do not fit into this ideal image

44

are labeled as heartless or evil and are ostracized by all.
For this middle-aged woman who has experienced the true face of “family love,”
climbing back to my own sovereignty is difficult and it’s a long way there.
The old nest
By Keiko Inamura, 40s, Kobe
The terror I felt was as if I had experienced heaven and earth turned upside
down. After that, I first felt inexpressible relief.
My arms and legs were tingling as if newly growing. Before dawn, as the four of
us in my family ran to the shack where my father lived, this strange energized feelingpersisted.
The smell of gas was everywhere and sparks danced in the darkness. When theroof of my father’s house came into sight, the energy that had been pulsating
throughout my body suddenly dissipated.
As I pushed open my father’s front door, his dog jumped out to greet me. I
asked loudly to the back of his house, “Are you all right?” My father came out with aflashlight, limping. His face looked more like a monkey’s than that of my father. At thatpoint, my legs gave way, and I sank to the floor.
It amazed me that this poor old house, which is almost 50 years old, had notbeen flattened. On the way over, we had seen many completely destroyed buildings andhomes. Neighbors told me that immediately after the earthquake they had repeatedly
told my father to come out of the house. He never did.
Although every corner of the house holds memories of my mother, I can saythat I have absolutely no emotional attachment to the house. I had often brought up the
subject to my father to rebuild the house so we could all live together. He had always
adamantly refused to listen to such a talk. Now, gazing up at the bald-headed roof,
which had lost its tiles in the quake, I heaved a deep sigh.
A month later, my father decided to have the house pulled down. Soon after, hebegan to complain about a loss of appetite and excruciating stomach pains. He was
wracked with pain day and night.
Was he aware how difficult everything was for me? While I was preoccupied
with the major chore of getting water, he was talking o his death being imminent.
We got the results of a detailed medical examination. The doctor advised thatpossibly the elastic in my father’s underpants was too tight.
My Great Hanshin Earthquake story45

By I.M., 30s, Kobe
In my case, damage from the earthquake was slight. The house was basically
untouched. Among our belongings, only a glass display case and some other glassware
were broken.
Only the car was severely damaged. We bought it new late in 1994, but it wasdestroyed off by the quake. We were so lucky that my husband, who was in the car whenthe quake struck, escaped injury.
We were also fortunate on the domestic side of things. We had electricity
restored before the fateful day was out, and I felt that we didn’t suffer any major
inconveniences.
The major difficulty and the issue that caused me most anguish was having myhusband’s mother come to live with us.
Because my husband’s sister had to live elsewhere because of her job, mymother-in-law lived alone in her house in Kobe’s Chuo Ward. Her house was partiallydestroyed by the quake about 70 percent of the outer walls fell.
My husband was driving his car in the area of Rokko on his way to work whenthe quake struck. He was trapped under fallen buildings inside his car and a passerby
helped him out. He then started off on foot for his mother’s house, from where hewalked back home. (We live in the suburb of Tarumi.) It all took five hours.
The next day, my husband went to get his mother by bicycle. A round-trip took
a whole day. On the way home the two of them were deeply shocked by the dreadfuldamage they saw in Nagata and Suma wards. All in all, we were thankful that we all
escaped injury and that my mother-in-law would stay with us until things were settled.
I guess things started to go wrong when my baby daughter cried. She was afretful baby, and I must say she cried a lot. My husband and I were used to it, but it
really seemed to irritate my mother-in-law. She often asked what the problem was withthe child. She even tried many ways to stop the baby from crying. But it always ended
up with me holding the baby and trying to force my breast on her.
I wasn’t able to take an afternoon nap as I had been able to before. I became
more and more fatigued and finally fell ill with influenza. At this point, mymother-in-law advised me to give up breast-feeding, and I weaned the baby.
“I’ll look after the child,” my mother-in-law said. So I took to my bed, where I
could hear the baby screaming. “I have to hurry up and get better,” I thought as I lay
there. Soon, though, my mother-in-law scolded me, “You could at least come and see how
things are going with the baby occasionally.” Two or three days after the quake, calls
began coming in from friends inquiring about our safety. My mother-in-law did not like46

this either. “When it comes to the crunch, you can’t count on others,” she said.
I can understand her feeling and there is some truth in what she said. However,being told, “things are being neglected in the house while you are so preoccupied withyour friends” really hurt.
It’s true that housework is not my forte. I was often not able to keep up withtidying and cleaning. Just being a full-time housewife was tough for me. After having
children and having to handle both housework and child-raising, I found it really
depressing to be imprisoned at home day after day. To escape from this, I joined somehobby circles. Now, my mother-in-law would interpret my participation in these
activities as “putting your own interests first and neglecting your husband andchildren.” I felt she could easily say something like this to me.
Our electricity was reconnected on the day of the quake, but a major hardshipwas having no water. My mother-in-law took a major part in the chore of getting water.
The first place in the neighborhood to get running water again was the local Chinese
restaurant. As soon as our water container was empty, my mother-in-law would go out
and refill it. She also helped by going to get water for the toilet from the river.
She is the most capable and energetic woman I know. Because she is such acharacter, she is able to see my faults. She must have really wondered why I was unable
to do things as she did. However, when she corrected everything I did -- from how I hungmy laundry to how I interacted with my kids -- I started to care less about any of her
criticisms.
Inevitably, things came to a head when matters concerning my parents
bothered my mother-in-law.
“Their daughter has just been through an earthquake, and they hardly evercall to see how she is. Nor do they come to see her.”With those words she began a tirade of criticism of everything from the time of
our wedding to the present. Even so, she didn’t directly criticize us, but she rather
blamed us by implying.
I had always had a fairly uncomplicated relationship with my parents.
However, I had always felt that our relationship was based on trust. My mother-in-law
could not understand or believe this. Thinking about it, my mother-in-law had often
asked about the relationship between my parents and me. But I had never before
realized what her questions were driving at.
As the confrontation heated up, she must have been overly excited and let fly,
“If I am going to ask you to leave, will you leave?”
The house was originally bought by my husband’s father (who died two years

47ago) and my husband and I pay rent to my mother-in-law. There’s no doubt that we get
it cheap and of course we didn’t have to put down any key money. A lot of the furniture
was also provided by my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.
As it turned out, I didn’t leave the house and I still remain here. I remember
how powerless I felt because of lack of money. I had previously been thinking of goingback to work. Because of what happened, though, I got serious about looking for a job.
And I was lucky enough to find one (one that would begin in May). In a sense, one could
say that my mother-in-law helped me by giving me a push in the right direction.
When I think about it, my mother-in-law and I have known each other for lessthan five years. We are of different generations, we have a different set of values, andyet we had to live together. Moreover, the emotional damage she suffered from theearthquake was surely greater than mine. I believe I did my best to put up with thesituation.
Even so, I would wake up in the morning to hear her muttering as she put aload of laundry, “Why is this house in such a mess?” I would get pains in my stomach. I
wouldn’t have minded if there was no one to help with the housework. I wanted just to
be left alone to live life at my own pace. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything else.
When I heard that the result of a structural assessment of my mother-in-law’shouse by a volunteer was that the house was “habitable,” I felt a great sense of relief
from the bottom of my heart. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s true.
Ten days later, she went back to her own house. Three weeks had passed since
the earthquake.
My extended family and myself
By H.K., 30s, Akashi
I was born and brought up in an age f comfort and affluence. I had my own
home and was a mother. Although my life had its small ups and downs, my life waspeaceful and stable.
January 17 was the day of the great disaster that changed my view of life
forever – not only mine, but that of many others. I’m sure I’ll never forget the day aslong as I live.
Both my husband and I were born in the city of Kobe and grew up in the innercity. The image of our dear old birth place was not “the mountainside where I chased
rabbits and the riverbed where I fished for carp” of the well-known Japanese folksong.
Our childhood memories were of scribbling with chalkstone and playing in narrow lanes
that were filled with smells of the city and the sounds of voices coming from the market.

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For less than a minute the power of nature was unleashed. As this powerbrought terror, it destroyed precious lives and properties, and my beloved town. In the
midst of all the misfortune arising out of the disaster, there was only one consolation: all
my family had survived. Among our relatives, three families lost their homes andsuffered injuries. But we didn’t lose any lives. Many were victims of the disaster.
Because we had been lucky enough to be spared, I made a resolution not to complain
under any circumstances and I held firm to my resolution.
Immediately after the disaster, my husband was deeply involved in his work.
Regardless, his parents and other relatives who had suffered hardships took refuge at
our place, and we instantly became a large, extended family. My husband’s parents, inaccordance with their age, seemed to have suffered quite a profound psychological shock.
While we were rejoicing in our safety, I was inspired with my mission to do my utmost to
look after everyone, heal their emotional wounds and become their protector.
While basic utilities were out, I did my best to provide nutritious meals for all,taking everyone’s likes and dislikes into consideration. I also managed to secure places
for them at the public baths and helped clean damaged houses.
When I had extra time, I contributed my services as a volunteer to help
distribute water, food and other necessities. Whenever I saw news of the disaster on
television or in the newspaper, I was moved to tear. “If we are alive, we can doanything.” I thought, and that kept me going.
Within two months, most of the relatives found places to live and only mymother-in-law remained with us. Until the quake, she had been a woman who could doanything by herself. After the disaster, though, she seemed to have completely lost theenergy to do anything.
Not long after everyone moved out, I came down with influenza. I had a highfever and wasn’t able to get up. I had a faint hope that my mother-in-law would use thisopportunity to get herself going again, but my hope was crushed. I pushed myself too far
and came down with pneumonia, which stayed with me a long time. After that, an
injury from a previous car accident began to flare up and my health broke down.
It was frantic during those three months. Now I feel like a new flower bud inspring and what happened seems like a dream. Nevertheless, it was real.
At the time, I felt fear. I felt sad. I couldn’t sleep. I suffered a severe shock. I
often felt like screaming.
After my illness, I felt the tension leave my shoulders at last. There were times
when I felt guilty about not having suffered as much damage as the others in thedisaster. However, I have my life. If we dashed too fast, we surely get out of breath. For

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three months I dash too fast – then at last I understood.
Dutiful daughter-in-law
By Y.K., 40s, Kobe
It’s been almost three months since the Great Hanshin Earthquake. When the
terrible movement began on that day, I had just finished nursing my youngest child andgone back to bed. I immediately threw myself on top of the baby and waited for thetremor to stop.
After everything had calmed down, I opened the window and noticed what a
strange color the sky was. Black ash was whirling outside and I could see black smoke
rising from behind the mountains. I heard people shouting and making a lot of noise. I
knew a terrible disaster had occurred. As time passed, I began to worry about myparents and I turned the radio on.
The news I heard was that Nagata Ward was severely damaged. My husband
went out to see what was happening and didn’t return for four hours. He came backwith tears in his eyes and said, “The house burned down.” The house where he was bornand brought up meant more to him than I could have imagined. Fortunately it was only
the house that was damaged and his parents were unhurt. My husband soon decided
that he would immediately bring his parents to live with us.
The next day, my parents and my three nieces, fearing it was dangerous to staywhere they were, also turned up. Altogether, 11 people were taking shelter in our home.
To have two sets of parents living under one roof is difficult. Which should be
my priority -- to be a daughter-in-law to my husband’s parents or a daughter to my own
parents? I was busy all day making meals, washing, taking people back and forth to thehospital and looking after my own children. However, what was most nerve-wrecking
for me was my role. I could see that both sets of parents couldn’t relax with each otheraround and somehow a day seemed very long.
After two weeks of living like this, it was decided that my parents would go
home. From then on, we shared our home with my parents-in-law. I no longer had tosuffer the strain of divided loyalties, but in other ways problems began to arise.
Even though my parents-in-law had their house burn down, we were glad tosee them alive after the disaster and didn’t think about where they would live in the
future. But as the shock of the disaster dissipated, the difference in our lifestyles
became apparent, and they began to find faults even in the least significant of things.
Everything from my way of washing dishes to using the toilet and basin became aproblem, but I put up with it.

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What got on my nerves the most was my mother-in-law’s sighing. When she
first came to stay, I had been so busy that I never noticed the sighing. After a while,whenever I had some time to spare, her sighing would reach my ears. I supposed she
sighed a lot because she had lost her home and ended up in her current lifestyle. I wassure it would take some time for the sighing to stop.
The Great Hanshin Earthquake caused my parents-in-law and me to suddenly
live together, and it also gradually changed the customs at our house. I’m sure that thisis the case not only for our family but also for many other families. Even though I didn’t
suffer physical damage from the earthquake, I and other wives in the same situation
are, in a sense, victims of the quake.
Off to a new start
By Junko N., formerly know as Junko M., 30s, Kobe
Before dawn on the 17th. Assaulted by that tremendous shake. This is not aminor event. What is it? What the hell is happening? Where is it happening?
I lived in east Nada Ward, the epicenter of the quake, and these were thethoughts that first passed through my mind. I can laugh at it now, but then…Before we
had any information on what had happened, I was glad from the bottom of my heartthat the four of us in my family had survived.
The first night after the quake, we spent a cold night camping in the grounds ofMikage High School. The next morning we heard news of gas leak from a gas tank. The
idea of leaving my neighborhood and my neighbors who had always been so supportive
seemed like a betrayal and escape. I felt emotionally attached to the place and people,
but I knew that our lives were our own and we had to look after ourselves. So we set off
in our car with smashed windows for my parents’ place in Okayama Prefecture.
We were lucky to get to Okayama in six hours the day after the quake on
January 18. Warm beds, warm food and hot baths were waiting for us there. While anordinary life in the Hanshin area had suddenly became extraordinary, a day-to-day life
in Okayama continued unchanged. Though it wasn’t easy to reconcile the difference
between the two realities, we began t feel settled in the new circumstance.
My husband, who had been off work since the quake, was to go back to his
company on January 25. He would need to go back to the house, so I decided to go withhim and clean up the place.
Trains had not yet been restored in my places, and it took more than half a day
to get home. The presence of a friend who had kindly offered to come and help with thecleaning was immensely reassuring. On the way back home to Kobe, I began to feel51

emotionally vulnerable.
The next day, I saw with my own eyes the damages to Mikage, which I had
missed during the two days after the disaster. I had never experienced this kind of ashock before. I was shaking uncontrollably. All I could do was to keep standing.
I had been living in Mikage for six years. Every single house on both sides ofthe street where I used to ride with my son on a bicycle was totally destroyed. The
pharmacy run by a very kind woman was also gone. The bakery where the elderly
couple baked delicious bread every day disappeared. I felt the blood drain out of my body.
It was an emotional crisis for me.
I managed to drag myself home, where I fell into waling. That was when I cameto realize. I didn’t need my husband. I wanted to be dependent on someone, and I
wanted someone to help and support me, but it was not him.
I had agonized about my husband for several years. He’s not a bad person.
Compared to other men, he’s helped a lot with housework and the children, particularly,
over the last couple of years. And he let me do what I wanted to without complaining.
Naturally, there were plenty of small problems, but he never stood in my way. It goes
without saying that he was never violent or unfaithful to me. But – there is a big but. I
never liked him.
I know I’ll be criticized for stating it so simply. Because he was such a decent
person, I did try to make it work. If I tried, I would come to like him, I thought. However,emotions are not such simple things. I came to realize much later that I had made a
mistake when I chose to marry him.
It will sound like making excuses. But to tell the truth, I told him on several
occasions during our engagement that I wanted to break it off. However, I waspressured at the time by his intensity, and I rode along on a wave of emotion. I had
other reasons to decide to marry him. From adolescence, I had not been able to get on
well with my father. I did have other ways to get away from my father without marrying
my husband. But at the age of 22, I didn’t realize that. Unfortunately, the decision I
made when I was still immature ended up hurting my husband. I made a mistake and I
really wanted to apologize to him for that.
There is no doubt that I made the decision to marry. I don’t want to be unfair
and put the blame on anyone else. But after leaving the place where I had grown up andleft my old friends behind, I was awakened to the fact that I had chosen a partner withwhom I was not mentally or emotionally compatible. I tried in many ways to make ourmarriage work, first trying to bridge the gap between us, then trying just to accept ourdifference. My endeavors may not have been visible to an outsider, but it was all quite52

stressful for me. So now, when I suddenly had this realization that I could do without
my husband, I asked myself whether I should suppress this fact as I had before. My
answer to myself was, “No.”I went back to Okayama Prefecture, but I didn’t immediately decide on a
divorce. I wanted to heed my true feelings that had surfaced during a severe emotional
shock unlike any I had experienced before. At the same time, I felt reluctant to hurt him
and my heart vacillated. There was another major reason why I couldn’t come to adecision. Unlike me, family was something extremely precious to him. I thought that if
he lost a family, he wouldn’t be able to cope. He had an unhappy childhood and had tried
to compensate for this by building his own ideal family. This ideal was his reason forliving. I knew that to destroy this would be wrong. Even so, what finally made me arrive
at my decision concerning him was an energy that bubbled up within me. It wasstronger than any other concern. The energy came from the fact that “I was spared!” in
the disaster.
When I saw my old neighborhood completely destroyed by the earthquake, I
thought it wouldn’t have been surprising had everyone there died. It seemed a miracle
that I survived. I was spared – my life was given back to me. So I don’t want to live
based on a lie anymore. I want to treasure that I was spared and live with no more
regrets. My husband’s affairs are now his problem. I know I will be labeled a heartless
woman, a devil, or a serpent. Once I made my decision, I was able to go forward andescape from guilt.
I moved quickly from there. After meeting and talking with my husband, ourdivorce came through officially on March 9. I was occupied with job-hunting andhouse-hunting after that. With the help of Ms. Ichiba from the Women’s Center inOkayama Prefecture and many old friends, I was able to find both employment and aplace to live. I originally intended to take refuge after the disaster only briefly at myparents’ place, but it became a three-month stay. I then moved to a house where I am
currently living as of April 6. It’s old, but it has a garden. It’s a free standing house and I
was able to rent it very cheap. I start work on April 21. I was also fortunately here. I
was able to take up the same work as I had before the quake as editor of a local
magazine.
My new life in a new house with my two boys has gotten off to a good start.
Having to leave friends and work mates who had been so precious to me for six years in
Kobe was more painful than I imagined. I’m taking it easy and trying to live a relaxed
lifestyle where I don’t put too much pressure on myself. Moreover, I’ve come tounderstand many other things since my divorce. It was arrogance on my part to think53

that my husband couldn’t live without me.
In the eyes of the society, I’m a woman who has ditched her husband. But
recognizing my arrogance, I can send a message to my ex-husband, living alone in thedisaster-struck city. “As an individual, I’m cheering you on with all my heart.”
A cue from rice balls
By O.R., 40s, Kobe
Part 1:In the earthquake, some women had husbands risk their life and limb to savetheir wives. Some grew closer in the aftermath of the disaster and once again foundpeace of mind together. In other cases, the disaster caused character flaws to surface.
On the morning of the quake, the man I lived with (no way do I want to call him
my husband) left me and the kids and disappeared somewhere. He was concerned only
about his own safety and did not even bother to ask us if we were alright. He didn’t evenintend to pull others out of the rubble. He couldn’t think of anything or anyone but
himself. When a friend sent us twelve rice balls, he started eating before we could get tothem. He left us four rice balls. When the children and I went to eat them, he said, “Hey!
How about giving one to me?” What an animal! Having eaten eight, he asked for more!
Everyone was starving then.
Nothing that bastard did was even the least bit humane. Talk about
disappointing! Rather than being sad, I was enraged. This earthquake has resulted in a
lot of emotional damages to the children. However, I’ve been embraced by many friends
who helped heal my emotional wounds and showed me a series of true friendship. I
cried hot tears of gratitude. I have been touched by human love. I have been given backhope and a reason for living.
So to that stupid bastard – good riddance! I’ve decided to take another path inlife – alone.
Part 2:A mountain of things have happened.
I thought and thought about what to do and finally decided to leave home bymyself. I found a part-time job and now I cook in the kitchen at a family restaurant.
During the first month, it was so tough I wanted to die. I had only ever been ahomemaker before, who went to hobby courses at a community center. Until I actuallyexperienced it myself, I hadn’t known how lonely it would be to take on a job, to have totake criticism from others, to work in a whole new world I’d shed tears.

54But at the same time, I began to make friends with others as I got accustomed
to the work. I can now say I’m glad to have left home and sought my independence. If I
hadn’t realized how thoughtless my husband was at that rice ball incident, I would’ve
still been married to that bastard, suffering emotionally and always complaining. I
would’ve become an awful woman, I’m sure.
Now I’m completely confident that I can survive on my own if I want to. I’d liketo make a toast to myself and say congratulations on leaving that bastard!
(October 1995)
I can do anything!
By Mie Yamamoto, 40s, Kobe
As well as the innate disadvantage I have as a woman, I’ve also experienced
hardships as a divorcee. I also have experienced poverty. In fact, I am still experiencing
it! However, I don’t tell everyone because I don’t need someone sympathizing. “This is
how hard it is for me” is not what I want to say. I wanted to be as I am now. I wished forit and it came true. I made it come true. All sorts of people live in this world, and I thinkthat those who want to complain should all get together. But I’ll say it clearly -- I’m notinterested in that.
When the earthquake came down on us with the vertical shakes – pow! pow! – I
leapt up out of bed and flew into my mother’s room next to mine. Just as the earth
trembled horizontally, my body moved of its own accord without stopping to think. I’m
the sort of person who can do things like that, and I’m proud of it.
Carrying a 20-liter water container up the stairs to the third floor was nothing
to me. “What do you reckon? I can do this!” I thought. If you ask me, it all comes down tothis’ women who have men looking after them can be psychologically insecure orsomething.
We live in a 25-year-old apartment complex that houses eight families. During
the first week after the earthquake, the residents all scattered like baby spiders toevacuation shelters and other places. My family was the only people remaining in thebuilding. I remember thinking how all the others had no guts. Even men fled – Ithought it was pathetic.
After the earthquake, we got running water back on February 12 and gas on
March 21. I’ll never forget those dates. Even without water and gas, I managed to live
without ever eating meals provided at the shelters because we had electricity. I’m proudof the way my family survived after the quake. I’m very proud of the way we overcame
and felt satisfied with our efforts.

55

Single means unfavorable
By Nobuko Kawauchi, 40s, Kobe
In talking about the earthquake, there has been a tendency to emphasize therole of family love. In my case, also, relatives whom I don’t usually see were kind ofenough to help by bringing me clothes and food. But it was from friends that I
experienced the greatest kindness. Because I escaped only with what I was wearing, I
didn’t even have a change of clothes. I had a vague memory of a friend’s address in
Hiroshima and I wrote to her. The letter managed to find her and she sent a large box
full of underwear and clothes.
Before the box came from Hiroshima, a friend I had previously worked withalso gave me underwear and clothes and, unexpectedly, some money to help me out.
Another friend living in the northern suburbs said she felt bad because her own house
hadn’t been damaged. While transportation was difficult, she changed buses manytimes to get to my place to bring me a large bundle. Inside the bundle were afoot-warmer her mother had used, blankets and quilts. Because the weather had beencold and I had no bedding, I was really grateful.
For about a month after the disaster I didn’t feel like going back to my previous
job. During the day, I stayed at the shelter. At night, it got cold there, so I would walkthrough dark streets for 20 minutes and go to my brother’s place. I spent every day
going back and forth. However, when I read in the newspaper about those who had theirhomes damaged or who lost their jobs, I realized that I should be thankful just to have ajob. I also received good advice from an older friend, and after a month I went back to
work.
Once I wanted to leave work, and I read an article in the newspaper about New
Zealand inviting victims of the earthquake to come and stay for three months. I
seriously considered going, and I even called the prefectural office to inquire about it.
However, when I remembered how difficult it was to find work and how scarce thecurrent employment opportunities are, I was worried whether I’d be able to get anotherjob upon my return. I ended up giving up the idea.
The people I work with had also been worried about me. After I went back towork and saw them again, I was very happy. Several of my work mates gave me usefulmaterials. Especially helpful was a pair of very comfortable sneakers, which I wear towork even now.
I don’t get on well with my father. My parents and I would eat meals together
but I lived separately in the house next door. It was last July that my relationship with56

my father deteriorated. That’s when I became independent. I was feeling comfortable atlast in my lifestyle, but this lasted for a short time because of the earthquake. I went
back to square one. I had just bought a new refrigerator and gas stove, had the exhaust
fan replaced and bought all the kitchen utensils I needed – it was such a shame. I was
attached to my own place, but I think there’s very little chance of going back there. The
house has now been demolished and the property is vacant, but there is a dispute with
the next door neighbor over the boundary and it is not making any progress at all.
At last my name came up for temporary housing. At the moment, my motherand I are living together. I’m studying by correspondence, so sometimes I want to bealone. Recently I applied for subsidized government housing for low income residents,
but I didn’t get it because they give priority to the elderly. The current state of affairs isthat a low-income single person like me is disadvantaged. I truly wish that the
government would give better treatment to low income residents, especiallydisadvantaged women.
Complaints from a defacto wife
By Y.S., 30s, Ashiya
Because we haven’t registered our marriage, the citizens’ register shows that
we belong to two separate families. To get a copy of our registration, we have to ask forit separately from our families or neither of us will be given one.
People whose homes were completely or partially destroyed in the earthquake
were eligible for compensation money. We live in a rented flat that was damaged very
little, but the building was classified as “partially destroyed.” We were thereby eligible
for compensation.
The first day that victims of the earthquake could claim compensation, mypartner took time off work and went to file a claim. Because we were registered as two
separate families, I had hope that we might be able to claim twice. So the next day I also
went to file. But I couldn’t get the second amount of compensation. I know it was brazen
of me, but I thought I would at least find out why. I was told that if we had separate
entrances and if our gas and electricity meters were separate, we would be recognized
as two different households.
So then I asked my partner if he would give me half of the compensation money
he received. He said he was the one who received it and so it was his. He wouldn’t giveme any.
Keeping a comfortable distance57

By Harumi Shimizu, 40s, Kobe
Right after the earthquake, I had nothing worth throwing away, nothing worth
keeping.
It had been a year since my divorce. It had been six months since I found a job I
wanted, as an assistant nurse. My parents’ home in the suburb of Hyogo Prefecture wascompletely destroyed, but my parents were unhurt. My children live in Akashi with myex-husband. Even though the house was partially destroyed, they were all safe. My goodfriends and acquaintances were all safe and well. We had damages to our property, but
we took comfort in having our lives spared.
My parents had taken shelter with my brother. A month after the quake, when
all basic services were restored at my place, I decided to have them stay with me for achange of atmosphere. They arrived at my house with rice sent by relatives in the
country and a bundle of clothes, clutching the quilt they had suddenly dived underwhen the quake hit.
They wept floods of tears as they complained bitterly of the shameful way they
were treated at my brother’s. They had countless complaints. They had felt a lack ofunderstanding, staying with those who had suffered no damage whatsoever.
It wasn’t easy for my 80-year-old father, who had been in charge of the seniorcitizens’ club, to have to be looked after by others. For my 70-year-old visually impaired
mother who had seen, with what eyesight is left with her, dead bodies and scenes ofcruel destruction, the whole experience had been unbearable.
I couldn’t ease the horror my parents had been through. I couldn’t do anything
for them at all.
I was preoccupied with myself. In the badly destroyed hospital where I work,things were I the worst possible state. After getting off the night shift, I would often
have to stand at the end of the queue to get water. The associate nurse examination was
also coming up soon.
After a month, I went to see the house in the inner city where I was brought up.
When I went inside the almost destroyed house, I found an old ruler and the pin cushion
my mother loved. I found our old nameplate and a framed photograph of an uncle who
had passed away.
With my backpack, running shoes and a cotton mask over my nose and mouth,
I got back on the subway. A mere 15-minute ride took me back to a totally different
world.
When I saw women walking around in high heels and beautiful coats, I felt I
was as much a victim of the disaster as my parents. I had to cope with the stress and58

lack of freedom living with my parents. The responsibility and stress of providing
sympathy had passed from my brother to me.
To overcome the difficulties of living together in a small room, I thought it best
if we all left each other alone and lived at our own pace as much as possible. I believed it
was possible. However, I think my parents felt ashamed to stay with me. My mother’s
shingles also continued to trouble her up until they were able to move to temporary
housing.
As for the rift between my brother’s family and my parents, I believe time will
heal it. There’s no doubt about it. My brother and his family are also victims of thequake.
As for the relationship between myself and my parents, I am trying to work itout slowly. Being a struggling student nurse, I visit and have a meal with themsometimes when I’m not working. I have distanced myself from them a little. Because
we are family, I’ve consciously established a comfortable distance between my parents
and me. The pain of the disaster taught me that this is the best thing to do.
Women always send men off
By Akiko Sumida, 30s, Kobe
A month has passed since the earthquake. The company housing we lived in
was completely destroyed, but all of our family was unhurt. My husband’s company
provided alternative housing for us and we were soon able to settle there. I really thinkwe were very fortunate and I often said so to those who were kind enough to beconcerned about us. Even so, as more time passed, I began to feel very unsettled.
Feeling unhappy all the time, I couldn’t look ahead and face the future.
In circumstances where I could easily have died, I survived. I have always had
many fears, but the horror of death is particularly strong for me. It occurred to me that I
had actually gone through an experience somewhat like death. Until now I had always
wondered what death would be like. I had been afraid of suffering pain. I had looked atdeath from the perspective of life. Now I saw that a person could meet death at any time,
and that made me wonder how one should live life. I changed my perspective. I became
someone who perceived life and the way to live life by accepting death. I had previously
sensed my uncertainty and lack of confidence concerning the future, but now myexperience had given me a new strength. I came to think, “No matter what I do, I wantto live staying true to myself.”
On the other hand, I continued to feel full of sadness and was unable to getinterested in doing anything. All that I had built up had been knocked down. I left my59

area of Kobe, which had been both my physical and my psychological base. I wonder
whether I will be able to build a life again.
Because I have moved away from the area of destruction, I’ve wallowed in myown feelings. At first, living far away, I couldn’t help but feel guilty and vexed that I
wasn’t able to do anything. However, I realized that because I’m not in a position to be a
volunteer at the disaster site, I just need to keep thinking what I can do from here.
There is one truly regrettable aspect of this experience. It is men who salvage
furniture from destroyed houses, travel into the city from their evacuation sites to workand rebuild. It is women who stay at home or at evacuation sites, looking after children,
cooking, washing and seeing men off. The divide was too obvious. My own relationshipwith my husband became restricted in this way and I couldn’t stand it. However, there
is also a part of me that is complying – I am ashamed of this side of myself.
A single mother I know is in a different situation from me. She immediately
lost her job and her hope for the future, but also felt bad staying at her relatives’ house.
“At a time like this,’ she said to me, “I can’t help think how much easier life would be if I
had a husband.” It is sad to hear but also made me keep quiet about our situation.
Husband-phobia
By M.K., 20s, Kobe
At the time of the earthquake I was alone with my six-year-old daughter.
Although I personally didn’t suffer any great damage, it was the most frightening
experience I’ve ever had. It was also a precious experience because I felt people’s
warmth. A lot of people expressed concern for us and helped us. On the other hand, Ialso had experiences, which made me stop and think.
People who work at the city and local government are also victims of the quake,and I realize they were having a hard time. But when you call, you’re transferred fromone section to another and asked to keep your inquiry brief. I wonder why thegovernment wouldn’t allow every section to answer questions. I wonder why they can’t
be slightly more sincere in their dealings with people. I wish they could be more
conscious of giving service to the public.
I also had another experience that made me wonder. Following the earthquake
my six-year-old daughter became unusually fearful. Everyone said, “The mother’s
psychological condition affects the child.” When I hear a male professor from someuniversity saying, “A mother should do such and such…: I want to protest and ask, “Do
you really understand what mothers’ feelings are?” During that terrifying experience,
my daughter and I felt absolutely desperate. As a mother, I thought there could be60nothing worse. Seeing my terrified daughter, even my husband says things like, “Itmust be lack of affection from her mother.” Why does everyone seem to want to blame iton the mother?
Because the building where my husband worked was destroyed, he didn’t go towork for a while. At first, it was comforting to have him at home because of thefrightening aftershocks and the difficulties of daily life. But as time passed, I began todevelop an obsessive hatred of having him around because of his criticism of myrelationship with my daughter. Now, at last, his company has found new premises andhe is back at work. Now I have peace. (Can I call it peace?)
The other day, at a Women’s Net Kobe meeting, things were said like, “What
was felt at that time was only natural,” and “Those who had physical damages were notthe only victims.” When I heard them, I felt somewhat relieved to go home.
Miss Mi – protector of the house
By Rie Yanagikawa, 40s, Himeji
On January 17, the names of the deceased scrolled on and on over the
television screen. As the names were read out, I thought they were all unrelated to me.
Suddenly, I heard familiar names -- Tagako Furuta and Michiko Furuta -- the names of
my aunt and cousin. Surely there couldn’t be anybody else with the same names? The
address was theirs. I leapt to the phone but it wasn’t working. Wherever I called, I
couldn’t get through. I grabbed my purse and ran out to find a public phone.
My aunt’s family had served as mayors of the village through generations. The
house had been standing for 300 years. It had been chosen as one of the hundred famous
traditional houses of Hyogo Prefecture. It was also classified as a city’s historical site.
The main house was completely destroyed, though the entrance gate, storage areas, theother houses and the garden survived. Of the four people in the family, my aunt andcousin died instantly. My cousin’s husband and son survived unscathed.
You, man, why couldn’t you rescue your wife and mother-in-law?
The wake was on the 18th. We stocked up on packed lunches at Himeji Station,bought supplies of drinking water and ramen noodles, and filled a car with gasoline.
With my husband driving, we left home in the afternoon. At 8 p.m. we reached
Sannomiya and gave up trying to go any further east. Sannomiya was ruined and in
total darkness.
The funeral was on the 19th. We left Himeji at 8 a.m. and arrived at Amagazakiat 2 p.m. The quarter-acre, gracious house had been flattened. It seemed amazing that
there had been survivors. The main pillar of the house had fallen in one piece onto the61entrance gate. The bodies looked like Egyptian mummies, completely wrapped in whitecloth. My cousin’s beauty was gone.
At the age of 20, my aunt married a professional soldier before the war. She
had her daughter at 21 or 22. Her husband was killed in the war when she was 23.
Before he left for the battlefield for the last time, he secretly disinherited himself andhad all the property put in the name of his baby daughter. Perhaps he was worried
about his young wife and child’s future, or possibly he wanted to protect his family
property. When my aunt was widowed, she couldn’t take her daughter and go back to
her family. Her father-in-law had her take a second husband into the family of her deadhusband. At the age of 3, my cousin became mistress of the estate. It was only naturalthat when she was old enough to marry, she also had her husband marry into the family.
It was an arranged marriage. She had only one meeting with him before the marriage.
She didn’t experience any other love relationship.
“If I went out to work, I couldn’t even earn enough money to pay the gardener,”
she used to complain, stroking an old pine tree. She was a protector of the old house andin the end she was crushed to death by it. Her last nickname was “House Protector Miss
Mi.” Rest in peace, dear Mi.

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