Excerpt from the workshop

Facilitative Leadershipfor Social Change© 2014 Interaction Institute for Social Change
All rights reserved.
Interaction Institute for Social Change
www.interactioninstitute.org

USA70 Fargo StreetBoston, MA 02210 617.535.7100

Northern Ireland
147 Cregagh Road Belfast BT6 0LB 44 N. Ireland+44 2890 803296

Heartset and Mindset for Adversarial versus Deep Listening
Listening to the ideas and opinions of others—and having one’s own ideas
understood—is a foundation for collaboration. Without deep listening, it’simpossible to build solid agreements and commitment to taking concerted action.
However, people often fail to listen to one another and, as a consequence, theycreate antagonism instead of alignment. There is an alternative: even when one feels
defensive or aggressive, it is possible to make a conscious choice to listen deeply.

ADVERSARIAL LISTENING

DEEP LISTENING@EK<EK@FE• To defend, resist, oppose• To understand, support, learn

B<P
8KK@KL;<J• “I know better”• “This is a waste of time”• “I’ve got to convince you”
• “You don’t know what you
are talking about”• “Let me show you why”

• “I really want to understand yourperspective”• “I am really curious about yourideas and opinions”• “I want to put aside my own
thoughts so I can be open to yourperspective”

9<?8M@FIJ• Argue• Interrupt• Closed body language• Bracket• Reflect• Paraphrase• Check perceptions• Ask open-ended questions• Body language@DG8:K• Few possibilities identified• No alignment• Distrust• Resentment• New opportunities/possibilities• Creative/generative ideas• Trust• Appreciation© 2014 Interaction Institute for Social Change. All rights reserved.

FACILITATIVE LEADERSHIP FOR SOCIAL CHANGE—FL4SC-PM-004

6-3

Norms for Listening as an Ally
Listening as an ally is easier when everyone is working from the same set of intentions. We offer
these norms as proposals to open up an opportunity for deep listening.
Listen deeply

Listen for understanding, not to prepare your rebuttal. Don’t interrupt
people as they speak. Try to acknowledge what you’ve heard before goingon to make another point. When you hear something that is different fromyour own thinking or analysis, accept the speaker’s description of theirexperiences as real for them, even if you haven’t experienced it or don’t
understand it.

M ake I statements

Speak from your own experience rather than speaking for others or aboutothers, or generalizing your experience assuming it applies to others. Avoid
statements like “Everyone knows that…” “We all feel that …” or “We’ve
all experienced …”

Step up-step backIf you tend to talk early and often, challenge yourself to step back andmake space for others. If you tend not to talk much, challenge yourself tojump in.

Keep it hereExercise good judgment and respect if people share personal stories. Carryaway what you learned without sharing who said what.

W e don’t have to agree

When we disagree, challenge the statement or the behavior instead of theperson. Avoid using blame, shame, and guilt on ourselves or others. Try
saying “…yes AND…” rather than “…yes BUT…” to make space fordifferent views to be heard.

Use “ouch” and “oops”

We may say something without intending to harm or offend, but harm oroffense might result anyway. If we notice ourselves saying it, we can say“oops” and try again. If we notice others saying it, we can say “ouch” andshare in a sentence or two what was off-putting. Use these moments asteachable moments to highlight the difference between intent and impact.
Again, no shaming or blaming, just a straightforward way to flag things
that hurt or offend.

Be willing to be
uncomfortable

Don’t mistake discomfort for a lack of safety. It’s possible to be safe anduncomfortable at the same time. Lean into the discomfort to see what youcan learn.