__

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Alp THE FIRST NON-DAIRY CREAMER
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Creamate is the new non-dairy creamer imported fromthe little old scientists in picturesque Germany. Quaintscientific methods combine a hint of calcium with some
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Copyright
Massachusetts
I.T.&T.. Anyof photograph(shut up yourits family witl
Editor-In-Chierecognizable p
isn't sent by sttheir homes; h(7) issues pethat godawfuliii.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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MAY 1975
VOLUME 53, NUMBER 1Brian E. Bradley--Editor-in-Chief
Lawrence J. Appleman--GeneralManager
Jean BradleyRich Boehme
Ronald Buckman
Jerome Dausman
Alan Fisher
Kirk Frey
Ramiro Garron
Renee Gonzales
Joel Lederman
Scott Luria
Martha McCully
Sam Mela
Al Montgomery
Bill Poundstone
Larry Rubin
Rich Silton
Reed Sturtevant

Copyright May 1975 by VooDoo Magazine, with a mailing address at Room W20-401,
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cambridge, Massachusetts, and a leisure service of
I.T.&T.. Any attempt to reproduce anything contained herin, in whole or in part, by meansof photographic equipment, offset press, xerox machine, or any other reproductive device(shut up your dirty mind!) or public or private broadcast of any portion of this magazine orits family without prior written permission from the charming, personable & corruptible
Editor-In-Chief and his slightly less attractive General Manager, even to the point of stealing
recognizable phrases or clauses, will result in our having your ass in court. This filthy rag
isn't sent by second-class'permit anywhere because no-one has requested that it be mailed totheir homes; however, starting next term you can receive between six (6) and (gasp!) seven(7) issues per school year at incredible savingsT!
Now I have to finish typing up
that godawful Poundstone article, so I'm going to end this all here.

1

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tornalIn the magazine business, the trick is not to give people more thanthey are paying for--just as McDonald's would never sell Quarter-Pounders
that were secretly a little heavier.
When we started this project more than a year and a half ago, we were
skeptical. We had seen the demise of the old VooDoo brought about by theeditors' refusal to compromise their artistic integrity over so small a matteras a debt roughly the size of the gross national product of the Dominican
Republic. Worse, we had no experience ourselves. After several abortive
attempts to gain experience, we finally came up with this, the Resurrection
issue of VooDoo.
This issue contains the best material submitted over the past six years.
In order to provide you, the reader, with a sense of the shifting moral andsocial4values of those years, from Vietnam to the children of Watergate, wehave included the date of submission at the end of each article. Or, as we
prefer to say around the office, "What you didn't see is what you get."
It is the right of the people to alter or abolish it. Seriously, though.
This might not have come about at all were it not for the patientunderstanding of Margaret Gibson and Jack van Woerkem of FinBoard, who
continued to support us after everyone else had left us destitute andwithout hope.
We would also like to express our appreciation to Paul E. Schindler
and John Hanzel for the use of their exceptional equipment.
In conclusion, we would like to wish you all the best of luck in the
future, and our sincere hopes that you will not send a copy of this magazine
to our mother.

~e2t_ d(5~

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7
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AI-A:

&ne LgniqS Soev

A girl has got to be prepared. For anything. And I mean anything. Not
just little things, like having an extra pair of panty hose on hand in caseyou get a runner in your stockings. Oh, I mean a RUN. You can't have a RUNNER
in your.stockings. He wouldn't be able to pee. Isn't that silly? Or likehaving some rubber gloves in your desk drawer in case the typewriter ribbon
runs out and you have to T#ig fix it and get those very important letters
typed for that cute Boss so he might ask you to ''work overtime'', if you
know what I mean. A girl sure has to be prepared for that.
But she also has to be prepared for things she doesn't expect. She has tobe ready to fight trueidkfldkf against that horrible thing, that horrible wordthat makes every deceit girl go all trembly. What am I talking about? Let'shear it, girls! Yeah, that's rght. I'm talking about Rape. I know. It almost
happened to me.
It all started

M##~ a little while ago with those phone calls. I was sitt-ing at my desh trying to find the little doo-hickey that you press to make big lettersand if you don8t press it you have to start all over, when I thought I heard thephone ring. BRRRING.... BRRRRING.... It sure sounded like the phone. BRRRRRING....
BRRRRRRING ......well Bubbles,'' I said to myself.(I'm always talking tomyself. As long as I don't start answering myself, I'm OK, I always say. Hee
hee!)"''Well, Bubbles, there's only one way to find out if it's the phone.''So I picked up the phone. But it kept ringing. "Oh, you silly girl,"''Isaid to myself againg, and I took the part you talk in off the hook.

"Hello?" I said to the phone.
"Hhello? Is this Bubbles?" the phone said.
"Yes," I said.
Then the phone didn't say anything. It just breathed. Kinda like when somebody has asthna or something.
"Hello?" I said to the phone.
"Hhuh. Hhuh. Hhhhhuh,"the phone said.
"Hello?" I said to the phone.
"Christ, would I ever like to get my hands in your pants!!! Hhhhuh! ''phone said.
Then I knew that the phone didn't have asthna. It was ding something
dirty. It maybe was--- maybe was--- even playing with itself. So I hung up
right away. The girls alwasy told me to do that if that 14006dei
I thought that after I hungx

happened.

up and hollered at the phone, that would be the

3

the

__I

_ ___ _

F
end of it. But it kept happening. Always the same thing.

I

Thel

I

you we had
overtime
At first-they sounded just like someone walking. Click. Click. Click.
Click. Then something happeded. Those footsteps started to sound Just like mine.
Click-click. Click-click.I went.
Click-click. Click-click. They went.
Clickeyt-click. Clickety-click. I went.
Clickety-click. Clickety-cli-ck. They went.

4

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unified cohoinology theory for algebraic structures.
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7

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tAPRIL 1971

I

King toPawn Three__

TOURNAMENT AT ORENSE

By Fisher
I must admit that when I first received my invitation to this tournament I had to
examine a map of Spain to find out where Orense is. 1 really wasn't too sure that it
wasn't just a trick to get me to play that communist, Borsch Spastic or whatever his
name was. I mean, the letterhead looked good and everything, but the Russians
have all kinds of services available to their agents and they have used that kind oftrick before in their bloodthirsty conquest of land and property in the West. In
fact, I thought it might have been Spistickoff or whatever writing himself, because
all through the matches in Iceland he would always pronounce "Orange" assomething like "Orense," and these people won't stop at anything to get their way.
It's true. Even when I was a kid in New York and people were just beginning to seethat there wasn't anyone better than me, those big fat, sweaty tournament
organizers who used to have Polish or Italian names but were really communists
used to leave me in hotels without my prize money because they were shipping it
all to buy guns to use against our boys in Korea. But I was too smart for them. I
called the State Department and asked them to find out the real story about thematch in Orense. It turns out that the match was real after all. But you can never be
too careful. Now that I think about it, "Red" is really close to "Orange." I mean,
only an idiot would take chances like that. But anyway, this month's game wasreally one of the most exciting of the tournament, when Jeremy O'Reilly crushed
Lin Wot-So, one of those chinks that make the worst kind of enemy because forevery one you can shoot down there are a hundred others to take their place, andthey don't have any regard for human life.
!

__

remains whether this is true.
6. P-KB4
P-K3
7. Q-B3!
The Bishop stands much more actively
here than in the Karpov-Cobo gamewhere it was stupidly played to K2.
Q-B2
7 ......
B-K2
8. N-KB3
White has willingly retreated from thecenter, threatening P-K5 at the rightmoment. This is kind of like what wasdone in the Janosevic-Castro game played
later in the same tournament. It's funny,too, that it should have been a guy named
Castro because this reminded me morethan anything else of how John Fitzgerald Kennedy, one of the nation's
greatest Presidents, really put Castro in
his place over those communist missiles. I

SICILIAN DEFENSE
Slopehead
J. O'Reilly
P-QB4
1. P-K4
P-Q3
2. N-KB3
PxP
3. P-Q4
N-KB3
4. NxPP-QR3
5. N-QB3
Jacowski states that this transposition
to the Scheveningen Variation is playable.
But this game (and the one in the note
after Black's 9th move) casts some doubt
on that assertion. In fact, Keres remarksin the January CL&R (anant the game
Karpov-Cobo): "The most usual response
to White's- 6th move is 6. P-K4 7. N-B3,
Q-B2. With the next move Black switches
to the Scheveningen Variation, certainly
not a bad choice." But the question

,

8

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I

mean, a direct thre,
when the flank is i
Eat lead!
9. PxPI really felt great
Poweee! Boy, did islope in his place!
praying to his- ittl
ancestors over that
he was travelling wof the room, prob.
quarters and see if
for failing his people
10. QN-QB4
This was really s]
last time I saw somi
ninteen, at a tourn;As a matter of fac
met Diana, right thremember, when I
went out to getwould come withmunist sweaty orl
them aside into athings about me,
clear their throat M
come with me andand maybe later. So
dirty place because
have gotten a goo
didn't give me any
afford anything else.
11. R-R6!
An unexpectec
move. He thought
time, though. I wc
when Diana servec
immediately thatwanted. I mean, she
she asked me wha
nobody else would
but me. God, andbuttons of her blowu
the vyry tops of w]
beginning to curve! I
wanted to talk to hasked me what I w
was Grilled Cheesething else was a ki
12. M-K5'I waited for fiveoff, and all kinds of
ers who have no recame in. I missed r
the communist proras an excuse for not
instead of telling rr
hand grenades it btures I had of her fa
my arms, imagining
kiss, her gentle voic,
then she wasn't th-mean, a direct threat right up the middle
when the flank is in trouble and Wham!
Eat lead!
9. PxP
QN-Q2
I really felt great when I saw this one.
Poweee! Boy, did it ever put that little
slope in his place! You could see him
praying to his little yellow communist
ancestors over that one, yessir! The guy
he was travelling with went running outof the room, probably to phone headquarters and see if he should kill the guy
for failing his people.
10. QN-QB4
P-KBS
This was really sharp! I remember thelast time I saw something like that, I wasninteen, at a tournament in New Jersey.
As a matter of fact, that's when I firstmet Diana, right there, at that match. I
remember, when I finished my game I
went out to get a sandwich. Nobody
would come with me because the communist sweaty organizers would takethem aside into a corner and tell themthings about me, and the guys would
clear their throat when I asked them tocome with me and say they were busy
and maybe later. So I went by myself to adirty place because the\promoter musthave gotten a good dea-on rifles anddidn't give me any money so I couldn't
afford anything else.
11. R-R6!
Q-P4
An unexpectedly good defensive
move. He thought about it for a longtime, though. I wouldn't have to. Like
when Diana served my table. I knew
immediately that this was the girl I
wanted. I mean, she really cared. The way
she asked me what I wanted. I mean,
nobody else would have understood it
but me. God, and the way the top two
buttons of her blouse were open, showing
the vry tops of where her breasts werebeginning to curve! I sat there for hours. I
wanted to talk to her, but everytime she
asked me what I wanted all I could say
was Grilled Cheese Sandwich and everything else was a kind of throaty sound,
12. M-K5
R-QR7!!!
'I waited for five hours for her to getoff, and all kinds of dirty, sweaty foreigners who have no regard for this countrycame in. I missed my second match andthe communist promoter tried to use thatas an excuse for not giving me the money
instead of telling me about the crate ofhand grenades it bought. God, the pictures I had of her falling passionately into
my arms, imagining the tenderness of her
kiss, her gentle voice in the morning. And
then she wasn't there any more, and I

realized that she didn't know that I
wanted to see her even though she had
been looking at me strangely for quite awhile. I think she really wanted to fall
into my arms, but shewas afraid that thecommunists would have put her name on
the assassination list right next to myname and the Kennedys. But she wasleaving and I had to see her!
13. Q-PR
P-PPp!!
It might have been better to move therook here, but I was in too much of ahurry. Was I talking about Diana? And
she was leaving without a word, without
admitting how much she loved me. I
didn't mind the idea of never seeing her
again or having the chance to admire her
creamy white thighs shifting enticingly
beneath her skirt. But she had to say she
loved me! She had to! And a RxQP
would not have been a good thing. Too
little too late. Even 14. N-KN5 RxP!
What did it matter?
14. QR-T!!!!!!!!!
Diana! I had seen it on her nametag! I
called out to her in the back alley, ran toher, tried to grab her hand. But she
wasn't alone. She was with a chink! I
knew that he had told her all those liesthat they were spreading about me and I
hated him! I tried to pull her to safety!
!!!!!!!!!!!!
He hit me! Lord, he hit me! Right in
the eye, the commie bastard! It hurt!
And he was taking her away! Creamy
white thighs! Oh God! Blood is running
down my face! My face! Diana! Be
logical, logic like chess, with logic you
can see all things.
There was a piece of pipe in my hands.
I don't know where it came from, but
Lord, I used it. Oh God, God, God, blood
all over. Milky white thighs, nametags,
fat, sweaty tournament masters! Attend
one party meeting as a' kid and you're
branded for life! And then my hands
were around her throat and I was squeezing, forcing her free! And blood was
running down my face where she scratched me and I knew it was too late, they'dgotten to her, and I hit and I hit!
Thrusting, proud breasts! Oh God! Oh
God! And it was all over then. I was tired.
Everything had stopped moving. I justwent home and took a shower. I mean, I
just didn't want to do anything else. You
do understand, don't you? Don't you?
You've got to. I couldn't do anything
else.
P-K4
P-QB3
That's the problem with those Chinese. Their endgame sucks.

9

tOCTOBER 1972I

As you have seen, M.I.T. is taking great steps to emphasize that it
is a place for women also. As a part of its campaign, M.I.T. has been
exhibiting in its hallways short biographies of some of our more
illustrious female graduates. However, because of certain limitationsin space and various I
renowned of these worr
rectify this unfortunate- --,********ILLUSTRIOUS CO

10

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w-

in space and various financial considerations, some of the more
renowned of these women have been inequably excised. In order torectify this unfortunate situation, we would like to present further
case-histories of:

EDS OF THE PAST********
I

IJ

1

I

11

_

_______

1IC

__

_ _

____ __

98 YEARS OF THE "NEW'time reorienting returning troops toI

u1101111olives - worked out of over 250 U.S.O. clubs
at once - affectionately known to returning
servicemen as "that cunt" - at 90, is still
active in her chosen field of endeavor - inover 250 Senior Citizens' homes throughout
the country, is affectionately known as"that. er...er...er..."12

lobotomies - eagerly accepted into New
York Welfare Program in 1956 - died ofterminal dirt in 1969 - at time of death,
Newark, New Jersey City Council unanimously voted to name species of black-eyedpeas in honor of her decision to live in New
York.

- -

..

LYP

I

"N EW" WO MAN

laracha!er B.S. in Urban
member of any
from MI.T. ss of the New
Id on her extena result of her
27 children- managed toupper-middley in English by
nflicted frontal
pted into New
956 - died oftime of death,Council unanis of black-eyed
to live in New•i

Miss Boopsie Phlegm
Born 1926 - Received her B.S. in Labor
Relations in 1944 - Worked as Chief Mixologist in the Paradise Bar and Grill - awell-known fixture in local social life - sued
for Breach of Promise by George A. Kalb
when she married him in 1945 - went to
Hollywood in 1946 - worked her way acrossthe entire theater circuit, but never made a
successful contact - in 1956, underwent
major surgery to have 5000 flies removed in 1962 her head fell off - buried in
unconsecrated ground.

13

13

tAPRIL 1973.
tAPRIL,19733

i

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Draper Labs Develo

Conversion of M
Stark Draper Laborato
research to the peacef
nology is well under X
interview, Draper L
Kizadze explained t:
approach "In thesedisenchantment withsearch groups and defein Congress, the Dra
turned to the technolo
feel the Draper expe:
many valuable contri
Nation and the Westei
Nonmilitary researc
in many directions.

Mr
REPORTS ON RESEARCH
Vol. , No.

m:March, 1974

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Draper Labs Develop "Technology of Peace"
Conversion of M.I.T.'s Charles
Stark Draper Laboratory from defense
research to the peaceful uses of technology is well under way. In a recent
interview, Draper Lab's Professor
Kizadze explained the Lab's new
approach "In these days of publicdisenchantment with the military research groups and defense budget cutsin Congress, the Draper Labs haveturned to the technology of peace. We
feel the Draper expertise can makemany valuable contributions to the
Nation and the Western way of life."
Nonmilitary research is progressing
in many directions. As an example,

Prof. Kizadze described his current
project, the government-sponsored
Airborne Projectile Guidance System,a radar and laser combination "soaccurate that we can, from a single
mother projectile, release fifty smaller
containers with such accuracy thatthey will land at a target as small as ahouse from a distance of over five
thousand miles. This has numerous
applications in such areas as, for example, rapid air mail delivery or a reliablemilk-delivery service. Such work must
destroy utterly the myth the Draper is'a tool of the Pentagon.' "- Perry O'Dontal

15

_

I

Scientist Probes Cognative Processes
Emotional imbalances in children and the resulting
societal problems are of great concern to the modern
scientist. The precise nature of mental illness is difficult
to know, particularly when dealing with the pre-teenager. However, certain body responses can be directly
measured and recorded.
The center of Professor Bleeker's research is thePsychogalvanometer, named after its famous inventor.
By providing controlled stimulus to the cerebral cortexof the brain over the wide range of 50 millivolts to 1
kilovolt, this device can either "reinforce" or "fritz out"
certain learned responses. Prof. Bleeker explains:"Well, ya see, we cram these little metal thingums
into the kid's head, see? Then we show him a picture ofsome everyday occurrence, like his mother being gangraped by a gang of Hell's Angels or his dad being rippedapart by a pack of wild dogs and plug him into the wall.
It's funny as shit. I seen it done in some movie once."
There are many rewards to this type of research. "Ilremember once I made a film of one real funny-looking
kid while I showed him a movie of his local priest
clubbing his little sister to death. I took it to a party andwhen the guys saw it they just about bust a gut." Prof.
Bleeker can be found in 2-473 during regular businesshours.
E-Lab
SourceDevelops

work; if you are inter6-003 anytime during tl

Popular Figure Pioni

The importance ofother fields of science isand' thi absence of arnique has frequently
nment of important s(
Therefore, a great amathematical researchmodern science is to prn
pace.
Particularly importa
being carried on by

New

EnergyAmericans are becoming increasingly
aware of the great impact that the energy
shortage has had on the workings of thenation and the problems that such shortages may pose in the decades to come.
The dual pressures of rising populationand diminishing fuel supplies are forcing
the development of radically new techniques for meeting tomorrow's energy
needs.
Last year M.I.T. founded the Energy
Labs to serve as a focus for energy
research,, and currently studies of suchdiverse approaches as thermonuclear
fusion, gassification of coal, and solar
power are in progress. One project, under
the direction of Prof. Karma is unique inthat it simultaneously attacks both theenergy and population problems. Prof.
Karma is eager to involve undergraduates,
particularly from minority groups, in his

16Modern Science All
If mankind is e
problems of poverty,

receive tile enormous eoffered by modern
viable solution to slunproposed by the Ar
division of the M.I.'
neering Department.
cess of their LOGO "'basic mathematical a
ciples to middle-classrecently modified the
low-incotme neighborht
The LOGO "Turtl
device controlled by
LOGO language. whik
instructions to describe

I

work; if you are interested, drop in at
6-003 anytime during the day or night.

Pumice of the Metallurgy and Materials
Science Department. Having risen tonational prominence in 1943 when hecombined radical new theories on molecular orbits, electron wobble, and log.log
regeneration, and then cancelled out the
X's to discover Pumice's Constant(12643.27 x 21e-2 04 erg-sec 2 -m9/ slug-liter7 ), the Professor has spent the last
thirty-one years trying to find a use for it.
If you are interested in helping with thisimportant work, you will find him in his
office at 2-351, where he and his lawyers
are preparing a legal defense for his$40,000 expenditure for "materials andcarfare."-Ken L. Ration
Popular Figure Pioneers Math Field
The importance of Mathematics to allother fields of science is beyond question,and' the absence of an evaluative technique has frequently delayed development of important scientific systems.
Therefore, a great amount of puremathematical research is necessary ifmodern science is to proceed at a natural
pace.
Particularly important is the work
being carried on by Prof. Carl-Gian-P.O'D.

Modern Science Alters Face Of Slums
If mankind is ever to solve theproblems of poverty, the poor must firstreceive the enormous educational benefits
offered by modern technology. One
viable solution to slum problems has been
proposed by the Artificial Intelligence
division of the M.I.T. Electrical Enginceerilg Department. Following the success of their LOGO "Turtle" in teachingbasic mathematical and geometric principles to middle-class children, they haverecently modified the system for use in
low-income neighborhoods.
The LOGO "Turtle" is a mechanicaldevice controlled by a computer. Tile
LOGO language, which contains simple
instructions to describe geometric shapes,
17

is easy for a child to master and provides
enjoyable math experience in an informal
atmosphere. To accomodate the special
demands of working with children fromthese areas, certain new geometric functions, such as "Chitlins" or "Like Cockroach" have been included.More important, though, are the new operation codes
triggered by the input of common three-letter combinations which translate tocommands such as "Kill" and "Maim".
Professor Packard points out that "it is
this little innovation in computer sciencethat may finally cure the nation of one ofits greatest ills."- K.L.R

m

REPORTS ON RESEARCH. ..

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I

I

Draper Labs Develop "Technology of Peace"
Conversion of M.I.T.'s Charles
Stark Draper Laboratory from defense
research to the peaceful uses of technology is well under way. In a recent
interview, Draper Lab's Professor
Kizadze explained the Lab's new
approach "In these days of publicdisenchantment with the military research groups and defense budget cutsin Congress, the Draper Labs haveturned to the technology of peace. We
feel the Draper expertise can makemany valuable contributions to the
Nation and the Western way of life."
Nonmilitary research is progressing
in many directions. As an example,

Prof. Kizadze described his current
project, the government-sponsored
Airborne Projectile Guidance System,a radar and laser combination "soaccurate that we can, from a single
mother projectile, release fifty smaller
containers with such accuracy thatthey will land at a target as small as ahouse from a distance of over five
thousand miles. This has numerous
applications in such areas as, for example, rapid air mail delivery or a reliablemilk-delivery service. Such work must
destroy utterly the myth the Draper is'a tool of the Pentagon.' "- Perry O'Dontal

15

r-----------

gammnna-minus hypersuperdupcron. According to Professor Sigmund Frosclifresser,
the man who first announced the existenceof the particle, it plays "a fundamental role in explaining certain asynmmetries in pion-proton interactions. Rcgrettably, security considerations prevent
disclosure of our data to the scientificcommunity."
The discovery brings about a remarkable reversal in the Particle Group's fortunes., Recent cutbacks in federal fundingof physics research have threatened theGroup's future, but with the discovery of
the aO* , the promise of a new $10
million grant was received from the
National Science Foundation. "We aremost grateful for the Government's generous support of our work," says Prof.
Froschfresser. "The grant should be sufficient to cover our costs for 1975 andpossibly enable us to start the search for
the JCf+ and the anti- 7f+ . We lhope
the N.S.F. maintains its interest ill ourwork."

Physics
ParticleGroup

Discovers

MIT Reports on Research is published ninetimes a year, except hi-monthly in Sept/Oct.
Jan/leb and July/Aug. by the MIT News
Office, except for tri-monthly issues inMarch/April, May/June, and November, by the
MIT News Offtice 0 . Room 5-111, 77 Mass
Avenue, Cambridge 47, Mass. 02139. Reports
on Research cannot he sold. Copvright 0 1974
by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
Application to mail at second-class postage
rates is pending at Boston Mass.

NewThe M.I.T. Advanced Physics ResearchGroup has recently announced tile discovery of a new elementary particle, theReports on Research.'conid

Room 5-111
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Cambridge, Mass. 02139

at lostol, . MaI;sachustts( ias I',stage Paid

I The W(

Although mostforgotten about it,
collide with Earth soand if you read the
bly guess what that
this fact is the articl
Just Aren't Funny'
itively horrifying
which appeared in aweekly paper publistin Sarasota, Florida.
papers haven't picl
anyone's guess. Pre,ing to keep it from tl
can fool all of thetime, but you cat
people when the Eabillion pieces and ewill just know somet
One may doubt
source, but it see
Sarasota weekly wow
by printing an untr
reputation for accurawith that of the Jo
Physics, or, for thaitionalEnquirer.)
Assuming then th
will strike the Eartl
what can you, theabout it? Not much,
have to face the fact
there is a certain po
perhaps it is no cc

FIJI I
PA
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tMARCH 1974

18

-I The World Ends September 14th! 1
Although most people have alreadyforgotten about it, Comet Kohoutek wilcollide with Earth sometime next month,and if you read the title, you can probably guess what that means. The source of
this fact is the article, 'Cosmic Holocausts
Just Aren't Funny' (illustrated with positively horrifying artist's conceptions),
which appeared in an August edition of aweekly paper published for a supermarket
in Sarasota, Florida. Why the other newspapers haven't picked up the story isanyone's guess. Presumably, they're trying to keep it from the public. Maybe you
can fool all of the people some of thetime, but you can't fool very many
people when the Earth breaks up into abillion pieces and everyone dies. People
will just know something's up.
One may doubt the accuracy of thesource, but it seems unlikely that a
Sarasota weekly would risk its credibility
by printing an untrue story (even if its
reputation for accuracy does not comparewith that of the Journal of Theoretical
Physics, or, for that matter, of the NationalEnquirer.)
Assuming then that Comet Kohoutek
will strike the Earth and kill everyone,
what can you, the average citizen, do
about it? Not much, I'm afraid. We'll justhave to face the facts. But then, perhaps
there is a certain poetic justice in it all;perhaps it is no coincidence that this___disaster occurs at a time when wheat
consumption has reached undreamed-ofheights. Maybe Nature in her vast wisdom
is desperately trying to warn us of something we have been too blind to see, ofsomething so huge and horrible that we
don't want to see.... Then -again, maybe
the article I read could have been wrong.
However, observations of the Comet
Kohoutek made since last November now
make it possible to prove that the world
will end September 14th. Comet Kohoutek is speeding towards Earth at roughly
thirty miles per hour. Since the Earth is
93 million miles from the sun, Comet
Kohoutek is now literally hundreds ofmiles away. Now, for purposes of calculation, we will assume the known universe
to be a point mass. Then 93 million miles
divided by 2 pi times the Earth's radius(that is to say, the radius of the Earth's
orbit divided by the circumference of the
Earth's surface) will give you a value thatis insignificant. But note that this value isgreater than the speed of Comet Kohoutek. So there you have it. Figures don't
lie.

__

__

tAUGUST 1974
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tFEBRUARY 1975

-1,111, ,,-,, ,--1

I", 71,171........ - 1IRMM-

Dear Eloise,
Here is something that I thought yourreaders might enjoy; a delightful birthday
treat for that-special someone in yourlife, guaranteed to thrill and amaze yourfriends and relatives. The party is sure to
be an occasion to remember; everyone
will be engrossed by this tasty tidbit(which, incidentally, is safe for diabetics
and hemophiliacs). It is simple and economical to make, but don't expect any
leftovers; it's delicious.
The top layer is adorned with various
and sundry articles, all of a dildoid
nature. The center of attention is a
prodigious anti-tank missile, whose penetrating power is obvious to all; around the
periphery is found a pencil from "Peter's
Lumber Supply, Omaha, Nebraska," asthick as a thumb, a grotesquely bloated
Polish blood sausage, and a blatant cheroot. Making the division between layers
is a tape produced by General Foods,
originally meant for measuring the speedsof track and swimming contestants. It
was used extensively during the summer
career of Mark Spitz, the famous U.S.
swimming star. (Although purported non-toxic, the product has been blamed withI-...111. - 'll,having necessitated the amputation ofMark Spitz's reproductive organ, resulting
in the loss of his famed mustache and alawsuit against General Foods for 53.6
million lire.) On the lower level, one first
notices a bright yellow, fully-formed,
lifelike latex rubber duckie; imbedded in
the icing next to it is a genuine pigskin
leather wallet, lined with top-quality Thaisilk. A Series "E" U.S. Savings Bond,issued on February 13, 1954, lays flat on
the surface, along with a dog-eared paperback copy of Dr. Benjamin Spock's Child
Dicipline and Necrophilia. Page 167 of
Cook's Travel Agency's Guide to Foreign
Cultures is propped up against a vicious
whip from darkest Africa, a stretched anddried Rhinocerous' phallus.
This magnificent creation is capped bya lemon-yellow porcelain toilet seat.

_

We w

IV

TItO5 SD HE WANTE7
C"'EEEO!
QQWOm 1I LOVE Rh'

__t
&

FNj
EVeR
Bm
MnRE
,.
_

ae
ED i&

-

Dear R.S.,
Thank you for your refreshing contribution; your cake certainly is unique.
P.S. Those readers desiring a copy of therecipe should send a stamped, selfaddressed envelope to "Cake," Eloise's
Hints, care of this paper.
I

-I

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.p1

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