A Pangolin’s Problem
Joseph tapped at his thigh with anxiety as the pump rejected his card again. He checked
his watch, fifteen minutes. He did the math, five minute drive. Almost no gas in the car, mostimportant meeting of his life. Joseph looked at the gas station, line out the door. He did the mathagain. Ten minutes wait? Possibly. Can’t be late.
“Damn it.” Joseph muttered, walking towards the line. A combination of anxiety andheat, not helped by his business suit, was causing Joseph to sweat like crazy. His brown hair wasmatted to his forehead and his blue eyes were read from salt getting in them. Joseph ignored this.
Today was the day. After five years of pleading, begging and selling car financing, today
was the day they discussed him getting his own regional territory. And Joseph was going to makeit. Even if his eyes burned with sweat, he was going to make it to the meeting on time.
Joseph took his place at the back of the line. In front of him was a fat woman in all purple
with a gut sticking out on all sides. She resembled a sad lump of play-dough and was carrying ahand full of scratch offs. Joseph cursed mentally. Seven people in line, he was at the back.
The line slowly moved forward.
Just make it to the front, just pay and get to the meeting. Joseph thought, tapping at hispants leg. His pants, freshly pressed, were so stiff they made Joseph resemble a zombie. They
also were incredibly uncomfortable, not aided by the belt digging into his waist.
In the front of the line was a black man with glasses, who bought a soda and quickly
moved on. Joseph cheered internally. Maybe this wouldn’t be too bad. Next up was a mustached
man in a cowboy hat.
“I’d like five of the five dollar tickets.” The man said. “Can ya pay in change?” He thenhoisted up a glass jar full of pennies. Joseph’s jaw dropped.
His fingers began tapping harder against his thigh. As he did so, his nails began to prickat the threads in the fabric. Joseph’s nails were getting thicker and pushing out of his fingers.
They were getting longer and losing color.
This did not go unnoticed.
Joseph felt the threads getting pricked and looked down, to see his nails growing. His
eyes widened. Yep, they were getting longer and thicker as they did so.
Nope, not today. Joseph ignored this and simply stopped tapping his growing claws
against his legs. He had more important things, like his own region to manage, that was more
important than this nonsense.
“Four hundred and thirty-nine-” The cowboy hatted man counted, “Four hundred…wherewas I?” The cashier, who looked stoned out of his mind, shrugged.
Joseph sucked air in through his teeth and pulled his tongue back as he did so. And thenhe felt it going further back. And further back. And further back. Down his throat.
What the hell? Joseph tried not to look panicked, but it felt like his tongue was choking
him. He could feel his tongue in his mouth. But also in his throat.

Thankfully though the man in the cowboy hat now moved out of the way, apparently
unsure if he had enough change. A lady with her hair in a braid now moved up, as did the rest ofthe line. Four more people left before Joseph could buy his gas. Nothing was going to stop him.
By now people had appeared in the line behind him. Joseph tried to ignore them. He was
focused on getting gas and ignoring how it felt like his tongue was slipping into his stomach.
Where the hell was it going?
Focus, you’re not turning into an ant-eater or an aardvark. You’re going to be running
your own office in two weeks. Joseph stepped forward again as the lady moved on, in favor of ateenager carrying two 40 ounce bottles.
“So, you gotta paper bag? Cuz I am soooo thirsty my fellow adult.” The kid said. Joseph
face palmed, accidentally nicking his forehead in the process. The kid handed an ID to the stoned
clerk, who looked at it slowly.
“You’re sixty-five?” The clerk asked. “You look great for your age!”
I’m surrounded by morons. Joseph thought to himself. His tongue flicked out, going
down to his belly and quickly withdrawing. If the fat woman in front of him noticed, she didn’t
show it.
“I gotta check this in the back, gimmie a second.” The clerk said, leaving the entire line
to groan. Joseph tapped his claws together. They were long and off-white in color, thick andreminded him of ziti in shape.
“Come on you half-baked moron, come on!” Joseph growled. The back of his head
prickled with sweat. He rubbed at it with the back of his hand, only to feel something new. Not
hair, but something stiffer. It felt almost like a horn, if not for being flat.
As Joseph stood in line, his hair began to bunch together into lumps. The lumps quickly
hardened, turning into an armor like plating. The man behind Joseph watched this with jaw
hanging open.
“Uh mister?” The guy asked.
“Nope, too busy.” Joseph responded. The plates continued to form across the top of hishead, giving him a look like he was wearing chainmail. The plates came to a point on the bridgeof his nose, leaving Joseph’s face untouched.
The clerk finally came back as the plates began to appear under his shirt. Joseph tapped
his foot now, only briefly noticing his feet had also grown claws that had just torn through hisshoes.
“So, I don’t like think this license is real.” The guy said.
“Oh come on,” the kid said, “Doesn’t it look like me?” The clerk shrugged. “Try itagain.” Everyone groaned.
“Just give him the damn beer!” Joseph snapped. One of his teeth fell out and clanked
against the tile floor.
“...I don’t think I should.” The clerk said. “Well I can for you pixie dude!” He let the kid
pay and the kid was now the proud owner of malt liquor.

The line resumed moving, thankfully the woman behind the kid just wanted gas. She
quickly moved on, but unfortunately the mountain in purple came next. The woman with arms
like diving bells and arms full of scratch offs.
“I’d like you to check these.” The lady said, “I think I won five bucks!”
Joseph grit his remaining teeth, which helped loosen them up. They clinked as they fell
against the floor. The clerk, stoned as ever, slowly took each ticket to the scanner.
“Come on! Couldn’t this wait!” Joseph snapped, “I’ve got a meeting to go to!” The fatwoman just flipped him off.
Goddamn it! I’m going to be late! Joseph flicked his tongue with anger, seeing it waslong enough to touch the floor. And to scoop up a few ants crawling across it, Joseph quickly
swallowed them.
Getting hungry, need more ants…Some instinct told Joseph only certain ants and termites
were good, but he ignored it for now.
What was harder to ignore was the swelling in the back of his pants. Joseph could feelsomething beginning to press against the waistband of his pants. It was hard as a rock right now,
but it was growing and fast.
A pangolin’s tail is able to grip things and….wait what the hell is a pangolin? The voicein Joseph’s head sounded like David Attenborough.
“Come on come on come on…” Joseph repeated as his pants began to snap under theforce of his growing tail. The guy behind him now was gasping. Joseph’s tail pushed hard against
his pants, the armored plates on it giving it a little more mass.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!
Joseph’s tail uncurled and curled rapidly, swaying over his still bare buttocks. His lower
back though had the same plates as the top of his head. The guy behind Joseph looked at his soda
to confirm it didn’t have drugs in it.
“Uh mister, you might want to turn around!” The guy said. “Something weird ishappening to you!” Joseph swung his tail and smacked the drink out of the guy's hand, spilling iton the floor.
“There is no time for weird.” Joseph said, “I’ve got an important meeting to attend!”
Joseph was left with no pants as he waited. He used his claws to tear open what remainedof his pants to grab his wallet. Unfortunately Joseph’s thumbs were losing mobility and fast, so
he simply held it by hooking it on his claws.
“I am not missing this meeting.” Joseph grumbled as he felt the plates begin to grow outof his legs. “Do what you want God, but I am making this meeting!” He checked his watch,somehow still on his armored wrist. Ten minutes gone, five to go.
“Hold on,” The fat woman said, “I got a few more tickets.” She pulled, either out of her
pocket or out of a fat role, another massive wad of scratch offs. Joseph wrinkled his nose, theysmelled like sauerkraut and ass.

“Uh, didn’t I check these already?” The clerk looked at the first one, which was drippingwith some kind of fluid. “Uh lady, this one expired like…a while ago? I guess?” He giggled,“Sorry I dunno what we’re talking about.”“You were going to check my tickets to see if I won anything.” The sentient fatball said.
Joseph briefly wondered if his tongue could wrap around her and choke the life out of her.
“Mama needs a vacation, I’ve already spent two grand on these. Just gotta win once!”“That’s fucking stupid!” Joseph snapped. “That means if you win ten bucks, you still
spent two thousand!” The creature from the fat lagoon flipped him off again.
“Goddamn it!” Joseph snarled, or as best he could with his changing body. His ears were
now beginning to melt into the sides of his head. The basic shape remained as a series of lumps
around his head, but that was all that remained.
Not that Joseph really noticed that, or his hearing getting worse. He noticed his sense ofsmell was getting better.
Joseph’s nose was swelling, while his nostrils were pulling around the sides of his nose.
The space between them was getting broader. The skin meanwhile was slowly turning black,
while the skin around it was turning a light brown color.
The fan blowing behind the stoned clerk blew his scent, as well as the scent of the fat
woman backwards, right into Joseph’s growing nose. What he was hit with was a combination ofass sweat and reefer that made him retch.
“Mister, I think you might want to see a doctor.” The man behind Joseph said. “You’relooking…like an animal!” Joseph flicked his tail out again, this time the man dodged it.
“I’ve got a meeting, if I was dying of bowel cancer I wouldn’t miss it.” Joseph grumbled
back. Admittedly, being a demi-pangolin standing in the remains of a pair of pants and wearing a
rapidly loosening shirt wasn’t going to make it easy to run a regional financing office.
The ticket scanner now buzzed. The clerk handed the ticket back to the woman, “Youwon three dollars!”“Fucking finally! My ship has arrived.” The blob said. She pulled out a wad of cash,
balled up and stuck together with stink. “How much can I buy for this?” Joseph swore internallymore than he ever had in his life.
Two minutes left until the meeting. He was going to be late, that was for sure. Walking
wouldn’t help. And sadly Joseph’s phone had been destroyed when he clawed up his pants.
“Come on move!” Joseph yelled. The woman and the clerk ignored him. Joseph’s facebegan to change now.
Slowly, his face was pulled forward. Both nose and mouth were pulled very slowly into anarrow muzzle, one that better accommodate Joseph’s long pink tongue. Meanwhile the skinaround Joseph’s scales began to crack, looking like dirt in a long drought.
The man behind Joseph by now had taken out his phone to record this. He watched as
hair began to grow along Joseph’s chin, in the areas with no plate scales. The hair was actually
blonde and very scruffy, it grew rapidly across the exposed parts of Joseph’s body.

Finally the purple people eater was handed her new phone book of lottery tickets. Insteadof moving though, she pulled out a nickel and began to scratch them off right there. And forJoseph, that was the end.
With claws perfect for digging, he dug all four into one of her massive butt cheeks. Hethen pulled, slicing through fabric and letting her fat breathe. The woman jumped and yowled.
Joseph ignored her.
“What the fuck did you do that for?” She snapped, turning to Joseph. Joseph had entered
the line taller than her, but now he was the one looking up. Slowly Joseph was shrinking into theremains of his suit.
“I want to pay for my gas and leave. Please move your fat ass out of the way.” Josephsnapped. The woman just rolled her eyes and turned around again. Joseph responded by goingfor the second buttcheek.
“Mother fucker! You want to start something little man!?” The woman asked. Joseph had
already shrunk to half his size, but he was shrinking further now. Somehow the woman failed to
notice this, or how his eyes had turned into two dark brown spheres.
“Move your fat ass out of the way you fucking cow so I can buy some gas” Joseph said.
The woman again turned around, flipping him off. So Joseph swung his tail around. He wrapped
it, barely, around the thick ankle of the fat woman and he pulled.
Like a red wood tree, when the woman hit the ground, the store shook. Joseph had toquickly uncurl his tail so it wouldn’t be crushed under her. Behind Joseph, the line began toapplaud.
Unfortunately, Joseph discovered something else. He was struggling to walk on two legs.
His mass had decreased and his body had changed enough that he fell over onto all fours.
Thankfully he kept his wallet in his claws.
Slowly, Joseph climbed onto the fat woman, who lay in a daze. He used the counter tobalance himself and pushed onto two legs again. He could barely see and could only see the clerk
when he leaned over to look down at Joseph.
“Hey dude, were you supposed to do that?”“Probably.” Joseph said. “I’m the customer, I’m always right.” The stoned clerk nodded
at that wisdom.
“So…what kind of monkey are you?” The clerk asked.
“I’m a pangolin.” Joseph said.
“Cool.” The clerk said. Joseph cut into his wallet and eventually slid out a debit card.
“I’d like forty on six please.” Joseph said.