Technical Writing Fundamentals – Intermediate (Remote Version)
Edition 3.27(R)April 2023
Publisher: Human Global Communications Co., Ltd.
Editor: Ron Read
Contributing Authors:
Francis J. Kurdyla
Brian J. Flynn
Arnold Fisher
Ron Read©2023 Human Global Communications Co., Ltd.
Kansai Branch Office:www.hgckansai.com
kansaikujira@athuman.com
06-7223-8990
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Preparing Manuscripts for HGC Rewriters(kansaikujira@athuman.com)
1. Call (06-7223-8990) in advance for evening/weekend work
(To send/receive jobs at night/Sat./Sun., call 9:00–17:00 Mon.–Fri.)
2. Use only 1-byte characters (“xx”, X°C, etc.) in your MS Word or text files(Except for papers that actually involve Japanese or other languages.)
3. Use (but don’t depend on) your computer’s spell-checking function(No, we’re not just being lazy…you’ll learn something about words!)
4. Allow a “reasonable deadline” and give warning of “emergency” jobs
(At the same time, avoid rushing your writing!)
5. Make yourself available for possible questions/clarifications(Provide ‘keitai’ #, eddress that can be reached, etc.)

About the Seminar’s Presenter
Ron Read is a vice president and Osaka branch manager
of Human Global Communications Co., Ltd., previously
Kurdyla and Associates Co., Ltd., a communications
consulting firm established in Japan in 1969. He holds abachelor’s degree in Journalism from the University ofOregon, and before coming to Japan in 1986 worked asa radio news reporter-producer and a newspaper editor.
His current duties include training and supervisingtechnical rewriters and presentation trainers. His work also involves rewriting of technicalpapers, corporate communications, and academic books, as well as giving personal and grouppresentation training to researchers and executives. He has given seminars and classes at Kyoto
University, Osaka University of Arts, Panasonic Corp., and the Osaka Chamber of Commerceand Industry, where he is a long-time member. He has collaborated with Institute of Electronics,
Information and Communication Engineers (IEICE), Information Processing Society of Japan(IPSJ), Japan Society of English for Research (J-SER), and Keihanna Venture Championship(KVeCS). He serves as secretary of the Kinki Macintosh Users Group. He writes a quarterlycolumn on technical writing, “Author’s Toolkit,” for IEICE Information and Systems Society
Journal (download copies for personal use at http://hgckansai.com/downloads/).

Post-course Review Package
A few days after the course, you will receive a PDF file that contains the full-text versionof the main lecture (including the examples used in the PowerPoint presentation), answers
to exercises, revisions of analyzed abstract, etc. Please review this information toreinforce the points you learned in the online seminar. It will also contain info on a special
offer to IPSJ participants: A 20% discount on your first order of our rewriting services!

Get info on Human Global Communications services
Kansai Branch officekansaikujira@athuman.com http://hgckansai.com
tel: 06-7223-8990
Marketing Coordinator: Atsuko Watanabe
Please go to our website’s Downloads page to get more information:(http://hgckansai.com/downloads/)
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General info on services (for universities)
General info on services (for corporate clients)
Frequently asked questions about our rewriting services (¥2,400/page)
Ron Read’s articles on writing from IEICE Information and Systems Society Journal
Order forms for our rewriting services

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 1

Information Processing Society of Japan
Kansai Branch

Technical Writing Fundamentals – Intermediate(REMOTE TRAINING PROGRAM*)
September 17, 2023
Schedule
Orientation
9:30–9:35- Self-introductions- Purpose and Goals- Activities
Lecture/Presentation(abbreviated for online version)

9:35-10:35

10:35-11:30

11:30–12:00- General Advice for Better Technical Writing- Good Practices- Introduction to Self-study: Impact Writing and Verb PowerIntroduction to “IMRAD” System(correction of pre-class self-study)- Brief Overview- Abstract Writing Exercise & Analysis
Writing Style Points: Principles and Exercises(correction of pre-class self-study)- Introduction to “Parallelism Concept” in Writing- Changing Abstract Nouns into Action Verbs

12:00–12:45
12:45–13:00

Lunch
Writing Style Points: Principles and Exercises (continued)- Changing Abstract Nouns into Action Verbs
Common Problems in Technical Writing: Flashcard Drill(abbreviated for online version)

13:00–14:10- Typical formatting problems- Prepositions, unneeded words, word choice- Word order, logic, style, paper preparation
Writing Clinic(from submitted pre-class assignments)

14:10–15:15- Sample Analysis: Individual and Team Work- Correction and Explanation by Classmates/Instructor- Finalized “In-Class Worksheet” sent to students after course
Wrap-up*In reviewing this student manual before the online seminar, please give
extra attention to the instructions in red font.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 2

General Tips on Tech Writing[Please read over the following points before the class day. A full version of the lecture’s text,
including the examples used, is included in the Post-course Review Package.]

I.

General Advice for Better Technical Writing
1.

Keep your sentences short! In general, under 25 words(confusion is proportional to sentence length)2.

Favor the active voice to the passive voice, mix these usages(“we” is not so bad if used in moderation)

3.

Keep the main verb early(don’t bury the action under a ton of noun phrases)4.

Be careful to connect different ideas clearly(readers should be able to make connections with ease)5.

Use prepositions accurately(they can give similar expressions radically different meanings)

6.

Avoid expressions that are too tentative(these often lack logic and sound indecisive or weak)

7.

Learn to recognize and avoid mombusho-type universal errors(there’s no reason to keep bad habits)

8.

Avoid overuse of “embedded” expressions in the middle of sentences(long interruptions of the main idea can hurt readability)

9.

Do not waste the power of paragraphs(good paragraphing significantly helps your reader get your ideas)

10. Use a neutral, professional, calm tone in your technical writing(don’t make your expressions overly formal or overly casual)

II.

Good Practices
1.

Proofread everything you write!

2.

Get input from your colleagues, senior researchers, etc.

3.

Plan your entire document before starting to draft it

4.

Writing is time-consuming! Allocate enough time, and then add a “safety margin”

5.

Use (but don’t depend on) your computer’s spell-checker (it can be fooled)

6.

Keep a flexible attitude—revision is nearly always a good thing!

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 3

Impact Writing & Verb PowerThe following sentences are perfectly grammatical and understandable but could be easily
improved, mainly by more effective verb use. Change the wording slightly, but not the generalmeaning, to give these sentences more impact. This exercise is only for self-study; it is notcovered in the online seminar.
Suggested revisions can be found at:

www.tensaku.org/wrtest1/click.html
1.

If we don’t take action right away, we’ll lose the contract.

2.

I hope you don’t mind if we make changes to the wording.

3.

I can’t give a response to their demands until you give me an answer.

4.

Let’s get their opinion before we make a decision.

5.

Our only choice is a reduction in the price.

6.

I need your input for the completion of the report.

7.

The elimination of this requirement will save us a lot of time.

8.

There will be a chance to sound him out at the reception.

9.

It is possible that the exchange rate will move in our direction.

10. It is typical for demand to fall in such cases.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 4

Organization of Academic Papers

O[Please review the following points before the online seminar]

An academic paper contains three major parts (3):• The front material consists of the cover, title page, and abstract.
• The back material consists of the acknowledgments, references, appendices, glossary, andpersonal histories.
• In this course we will focus on the body. The body may contain several, but not all, of thefollowing:
Introduction
Materials and Methods
Results
Experimental (Methods + Results)
Discussion
Conclusions
Restatement of Results
Concluding Remarks
Recommendations
SummaryYour first step is to decide how to organize your paper. Begin by checking the Instructions toAuthors for the journal you are writing for to see what their requirements are. Read thisinformation very carefully.
The way you organize your paper is important because so much information is reported thatreaders and editors demand a system that is uniform, concise, and readily understandable.
One standard structure is the IMRAD format. The value of this approach was recognized about
100 years ago, when scientists found it necessary to describe their work in detail so that others
could understand it and independently verify it.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 5

Logic of IMRAD (2):Introduction:

What problem was addressed?

Materials and Methods:

How was it studied?

Results (and):

What were the findings?

Discussion:

What do they mean?

Although it was designed for basic research papers, with minor variations it can be applied toother types of papers, including application descriptions, review papers, theoretical papers, andmathematical proofs. For example, a device application paper might be organized as
Introduction Ø Description Ø Characteristic Ø Discussion.
A system development paper might be organized as Introduction Ø Description Ø PerformanceØ Discussion.
A paper in history, economics, geography or the social sciences might be organized as
Introduction
Theme 1 (e.g. “economics of Russian villages in 18th century”)
Theme 2 (e.g. “economics of Japanese villages in 18th century”)
Theme 3 (e.g. “comparative economics of villages in 18th century”)
Discussion
In this case, each thematic section would contain introductory info, explanation of methods,
listing of results, and perhaps preliminary discussion of significance.
Remember—whatever approach you take, focus on your main idea: “What do you know now
that you didn’t know before you did the work you’re reporting in this paper?” And remember—
editors care about novelty!

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 6

Writing the Abstracta[Please review the following points before the online seminar]

What role does the abstract play in modern publishing?
As it has for more than a couple centuries, and in various forms throughout the earlier
history of science, the abstract today performs the same basic function: to give a clear,comprehensive, useful, and engaging summary of another document, i.e., the main
paper.
However, with the rise of the internet over the past few decades, the abstract has
taken on new applications, including indexing through massive and interconnected
search engines, appearing in compilations on instantly accessible websites (asopposed to visiting large libraries), and previewing full papers on publishers’
websites (often requiring a substantial purchase for those attracted by the abstract).
So in a sense, the abstract has truly become an advertisement of accomplished andpublished research work to researchers worldwide. Will it attract “buyers”?

What are the main types of abstracts?
Informative Abstract
This is a concise statement of what you did, how you did it, what you found, and what
your findings mean. It describes the essence of your full paper. Its length is set by thejournal publisher or conference organizer, with typical maximum lengths between
100 and 300 words (a very common range for scientific publications is 150–250
words). A key feature of the abstract is that it is self-contained, or autonomous—thereader must be able to understand it without referring to any outside source.

Extended Abstract
An Extended Abstract is usually written before the complete paper is submitted. It
includes more detail than a regular abstract, and possibly a few tables and figures.
These abstracts are submitted to journals/conferences to determine if there is interestin the complete paper being published. Length is typically 800 words or even more.

Sectional Abstract
Publishers often call this a Structured Abstract. This format uses explicit titles andparagraphs for each major aspect of the work: Introduction, Methods, Results, andConclusion. This type of abstract is often required by medical journals and related
fields like healthcare and natural science. Typical length is 300–400 words.

Other: Some journals use a “graphical abstract” that includes a “teaser” figure
showing a graph, photograph, or other illustration. Follow guidelines for this.
IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 7

Guidelines for writing an Informative Abstract[Please review the following points before the online seminar]

1.

The Abstract should read independently from the rest of the paper. Use standard
words and phrases as much as possible; define unfamiliar terms or abbreviations. Do
not make any references to the body of your paper (or any other paper).

2.

Write the abstract after finishing the paper! Then you will have a fuller idea of thefinished document’s contents and key points and thus produce a better abstract in amore efficient way. Do not treat the abstract as a planning tool, such as an outline(see sample outline in appendix).

3.

Organize it in the same order as your paper (a parallel structure).
• Start with a topic sentence that states the primary goal and scope of your study
or the reasons why you wrote the document. What was studied? What wasachieved? What hypothesis was tested?
• Give a brief description of your methods. Give the reader an idea of the generalapproach used, but only enough to provide a context for the results.
• Summarize your results—describe findings concisely and accurately. Give
specific results. If there are too many findings to include all of them, give only
the most important.
• State your conclusions—what are the implications of your results.

4.

Do not begin by simply repeating the title as a sentence. Your Abstract will notappear anywhere without the title.

5.

Be as concise as possible without being cryptic (ambiguous) or obscure.

6.

Give background information only if necessary, and then very briefly. Descriptionsof previous work, conflicting theories, etc. belong in the Intro.

7.

Do not include anything not in the body of the paper.

8.

Keep it to one paragraph, usually no more than 250 words (or even limits of 150 or
100 words). However, some publications, like medical journals, require paragraphed“mini sections.”

9.

Use key terms from your text to facilitate computerized text searching.

10. Use the past tense when talking about what you have done. Use the present tense if
you are proposing something. Or use the “traditional” approach of writing only inthe present tense to describe what the paper says. Be consistent.
Remember—the Abstract is almost always the first thing the reviewer reads. It is therefore
critical that it be written clearly and simply. If the Abstract doesn’t attract the reviewer’s
interest, you’re probably doomed.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 8Sample Abstract
1) Two approaches to improving the operation of the future virtual private networks (VPNs)
that will be created on broadband integrated services distribution networks (B-ISDNs) aredescribed and evaluated. 2) Simulation demonstrated that using a shared-buffer switch for
traffic shaping smoothes bursty traffic effectively. 3) Study of various software architecturesindicated that a layered-software architecture would allow new user services to be implemented
quickly. 4) VPNs running on B-ISDNs will give users a powerful means of transporting
integrated data and voice streams.
Analysis:
1st sentence: what was done and why
2nd sentence: method and result
3rd sentence: method and result
4th sentence: significance

Abstract Writing
Sample for Analysis and Correction[Before the seminar, please try to revise the following weak abstract so that it more closely
follows the principles given above. An analysis and revision of the following abstract isprovided in the Post-course Review Package—please review that information carefully!]

Solid-block Laptop Assembly
For many years computer manufacturers have made various attempts to increase the bodystrength of their laptop chassis. This effort has resulted in some improvement based onmaterials choice and joint engineering, but so far no comprehensive solution to weak laptop
bodies, and hence customer dissatisfaction, has been achieved. In this paper, we propose
the solid-block technique to resolve this issue. This technique is based on forming the entire
chassis from a single block of aluminum, as opposed to conventional methods. We wereable to achieve a huge improvement in torsional strength over previous assembly
techniques. This will give manufacturers a distinct advantage in the market. Furthermore,
we could recover a lot of raw material previously wasted in machining because our method
uses a new aluminum extrusion technique developed in China.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 9

Writing Style

Parallelism[Please review the following points before the online seminar]

What is the Parallelism Rule?
All items in a series must have the same grammatical form.

What is a Series?
Here are a two-item series and a three-item series.
A and B
A, B, and C(two-item series)(three-item series)

What is Grammatical Parallelism?
If A is a noun, then B and C must be nouns. If A is an adjective, then B and C must be adjectives,and so on. This rule applies to single words, phrases, clauses, and sentences.
x The unit is stronger, lighter, and costs less to operate.
o The unit is stronger, lighter, and more economical.
The first sentence is not parallel. Items A and B (stronger and lighter) are adjectives incomparative form; item C is a verb and modifier.
The second sentence recasts item C as an adjective in comparative form, making the series
parallel.

What is Conceptual Parallelism?
Just as the wording should be alike in grammatical form, the ideas expressed in the items of aseries should be conceptually alike. They should all be activities or states or requirements orprocedures, and so on.

Where Must Parallelism Be Found?
As a minimum:
l
l
l
l
l

among words, phrases and clauses within sentences
within lists
among section headings in chapters and reports
in tables of contents
in procedures and instructions

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 10

[Before the seminar, please try to complete the following exercise, making the sentences andtext sections more “parallel.” Answers to these problems are provided in the Post-course
Review Package—please review that information carefully!]@= Exercise Try your hand at correcting the parallelism mistakes.
1. The color, design, and how you word the warning show the nature of the potential danger.

2. Table 2 shows the procedures for opening the front panel, the side door, and accessing therear panel.

3. The log lists favorites imported from earlier versions, files corrupted during conversion, andfolders that the process deleted.

4. Setup asks you to input your name, select standard or custom installation, and for a driveand folder for the files.

5. The policy requires that a safety summary be included, that acronyms appear in an appendix,
and you should prepare an index.

6. (From a table of contents, i.e., chapter headings and sub-headings.)
1) Applying Character Formats
a. Use the Format menu…….
b. Using the shortcut keys…….
c. To apply formats directly…….

7. (From a procedure in the text.)
To find and replace a word:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

You should go to the beginning of the document by Pressing CTRL+Home
Click Edit  Replace.
Then you enter the text you want to replace in the Find what box.
New text: in the Replace with box.
Clicking Replace does it.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 11

8. (From a procedure in the text.)
To save and continue working:
1. Click the save icon.
2. Type the document name.
3. Then you click OK.
To save and rename:
1. Select Save as from the File menu.
2. Type in the new name.
3. Then you click OK.
Saving and Closing:
1. Select Close from the file menu.
2. Click Yes to save your latest changes.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 12Changing Abstract Nouns
into Action Verbs

Writing Style[Please review the following points before the online seminar]

PurposeTo achieve a clear, concrete style that makes your writing easier to read and understand.

The Problem
One problem in technical writing is the overuse of nouns. This abuse occurs when we assign
to a noun an action that is more clearly expressed by a verb.
the penetration of the layer by the beamvs.

the beam penetrates the layer

Such nouns are often abstract, making the sentences difficult to understand. And the sentenceslack motion, because these nouns often combine with weak verbs (be, do, make, etc.). Suchwriting is more difficult to read because it lacks action to propel the reader along.
This tendency is reinforced for Japanese writers of English by the preference for nouns in theJapanese language.
ユーザーにイメージをみてもらうためにプロトタイプデモを行うことになった。(Yuza ni
imeji o mite morau tame ni purototaipu demo okonau koto ni natta.)

Direct translation of such passages often produces abstract noun + weak verb in English:
To give the users a general idea of the system, I decided to conduct a demonstrationof demonstrate the prototype.

Use nouns to name the people, places, or things that act or are acted upon, experience an eventor state, or exist. Nouns are best as actors or receivers. The action should be expressed byverbs.

The Solution
Check your writing for overuse of nouns, abstract or otherwise. (You can recognize many of
the abstract nouns by the endings -tion and -ment.) Where reasonable, convert the noun to its
verb form, use that verb as the main verb of the sentence or clause, and change the sentence asnecessary.
It is not enough to simply change the noun to a verb:
the penetration of the layer by the beam → penetrate the layer by the beam

Be sure you properly identify the subject and the object:
The beam penetrated the layer.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 13

Often, such revision forces you to express a subject or object that the sentence did not contain.
Explicitly stating such subjects or objects makes the sentence clearer.
Do the formatting, then the installation of the operating system.

Format what? The operating system? No, the disk!
First, format the disk; then install the operating system.

Making the object of “format” explicit in the revised sentence prevents a possible
misunderstanding.

[Before the seminar, please try to complete the following exercises, identifying and using“action verbs.” If you have limited time, just skip to Exercise 4. Answers to these problems
are provided in the Post-course Review Package—please review that information carefully!]@= Exercise 1
What is the verb form of the following nouns?(Write the verb form in the blanks.)
Noun

Verb

Noun

Verb

examination

examineexplanation__________________

operation__________________alignment__________________

conclusion__________________

measurement__________________use__________________

development__________________

connection__________________

installation__________________

correction__________________

response__________________

repairs__________________

assembly__________________

modification__________________

detection__________________

shipment__________________

satisfaction__________________

inspection__________________

improvement__________________IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 14

@= Exercise 2
Which word in the sentences below the following blanks implies the central action? What is its
corresponding verb form? (Write the word and verb form in the blanks.)
Action word

Verb form

Action word

Verb form

1)

excessexceed11)____________________________

2)____________________________

12)____________________________

3)____________________________

13)____________________________

4)____________________________

14)____________________________

5)____________________________

15)____________________________

6)____________________________

16)____________________________

7a) ____________________________

17a) ____________________________

7b) ____________________________17b) ____________________________

8)____________________________

18)____________________________

9)____________________________

19)____________________________

10) ____________________________

20)____________________________

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

The file size is in excess of the memory capacity.
Appendix A provides a description of each of these subassemblies.
It makes corrections to the code automatically.
We accomplished development of the prototype quickly.
The users guide gives an explanation of how to install the software.
The operation of the system was efficient.
After making a check of the hardware environment, it performs installation of the utility
programs.
8) We carried out the processing as the requests came in.
9) There was a rapid accumulation of data.
10) The feedback helped us realize a solution to the problem.
11) Lack of space placed a limit on the size of the system.
12) We made use of an existing program to demonstrate the DSM.
13) The attachment is a list of available field codes.
14) The observed results are in agreement with these figures.
15) This list shows the identity of the users.
16) Pushing “delete” accomplishes erasing of the file.
17) Do the formatting, then the installation of the operating system.
18) We did the design of the entire system in only two weeks.
19) When this feature is activated, automatic alignment of the text boxes is achieved.
20) We made modifications to the design accordingly.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 15

@= Exercise 3
Judging from the sense of the above sentences, identify the subjects and, if any, objects of theabove verbs and the required tense of the verbs. (Fill in the blanks below.)
Subject

Verb

Object1)

the size

exceeds

the capacity2)______________________________________________________

3)______________________________________________________

4)______________________________________________________

5)______________________________________________________

6)______________________________________________________

7a)______________________________________________________

7b) ______________________________________________________

8)______________________________________________________

9)______________________________________________________

10) ______________________________________________________

11) ______________________________________________________

12) ______________________________________________________

13) ______________________________________________________

14) ______________________________________________________

15) ______________________________________________________

16) ______________________________________________________

17a) ______________________________________________________17b) ______________________________________________________

18) ______________________________________________________

19) ______________________________________________________

20) ______________________________________________________IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 16

@= Exercise 4
Revise the original sentences, using the subject / verb / (object) constructions you identified
above.
1) The file size is in excess of the memory capacity.
2) Appendix A provides a description of each of these subassemblies.
3) It makes corrections to the code automatically.
4) We accomplished development of the prototype quickly.
5) The users guide gives an explanation of how to install the software.
6) The operation of the system was efficient.
7) After making a check of the hardware environment, it performs installation of the utility
programs.
8) We carried out the processing as the requests came in.
9) There was a rapid accumulation of data.
10) The feedback helped us realize a solution to the problem.
11) Lack of space placed a limit on the size of the system.
12) We made use of an existing program to demonstrate the DSM.
13) The attachment is a list of available field codes.
14) The observed results are in agreement with these figures.
15) This list shows the identity of the users.
16) Pushing “delete” accomplishes erasing of the file.
17) Do the formatting, then the installation of the operating system.
18) We did the design of the entire system in only two weeks.
19) When this feature is activated, automatic alignment of the text boxes is achieved.
20) We made modifications to the design accordingly.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 17

Common Problems in Technical Writing[Before the seminar, please try to correct the following common problems in writing. Some ofthe problems break “rules,” while others just show bad logic. Answers to these problems areprovided in the Post-course Review Package—please review that information carefully!]
I. The Printed Page: typography, spacing, punctuation: little things that can drive an editor crazy
Find the Problem

Analysis/Comments

1. General comma use• Most of the equations did not produce
consistent results but we gathered
enough data to formulate a hypothesis.

• The new lens provided a better
resolution in the z-axis, andgenerated much clearer images.
2. Never use Japanese two-byte
fonts to write English text!
3.

…was 200MHz.

4. …according to three effects : extra…
5. It is important to add various
information( or data )to the…
6. Typography has kept pace withthe changes in equipment. Thiscan be seen with writing tools.
For example, we can…
7. The corpora include not only
part-of-speech (POS) tags, butalso frequency ratings based on
normal usage.
8.

The depth variable, xy, is used torepresent the additional dimension.

9.

Note that, all possibilities mentioned
above are listed in the table.

10. Recently we obtained additional
results for this.
11. 3 “straight-line symbols”
o …use a three-dimensional space.
x …in the range of 3.4-3.8 µm.
x …these deviations-typical in suchvolatile environments-are…

12. …real world testing at high-speed.
or…high speed testing in the real-world.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 18

Common Problems in Technical Writing
II. Pesky Problems: prepositions, unneeded words, word choice
Find the Problem

Analysis/Comments

1. In generally, it is important to…
2. Most of devices require…
3. The subject approached to thesecond target position.
4. …that match to the actual
events.
5. Next, we discuss on the
problems of…
6. First, we explain about our
new…
7. Then the signal enters into thenode.
8. Then the signal leaves from thenode.
9. The resulting values are then
combined together.
10. This step is both necessary andimportant.
11. For the purpose of comparison,
we…
12. …was unsuccessful. Then, we
had to attempt a different
approach to…

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 19

Common Problems in Technical Writing
III. Going Deeper: word order, logic, style
Find the Problem

Analysis/Comments

1. …was carried out in order tosatisfy eq. 1.
2. …have been also studied for…
3. It is important to take net
topology, traffic flows, user
preferences, and data types into
account.
4. …many issues, such as net
topology, traffic flows, user
preferences, data types, etc.
5. This method can not handle
such…
6. …were too high, so that we had
to readjust the…
7. A relationship between ABC
and XYZ was not found.
8. This measure can also be
applicable to other types of…
9. In case of using aluminum, we
must…
10. We used the Johnson’s Theorem
to…
11. …and they had same value.
12. This step is very essential.

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
page 20

Common Problems in Technical Writing
IV. Building Your Paper: frequently found problems in academic/scientific papers
Find the Problem

Analysis/Comments

1. These informations were usefulfor…
2. …in handling delicate
equipments.
3. …and so both of materials canbe used to…
4. For better coverage, we installed
multi-sensors in the room.
5. At first, the scan range mustbe…
At last, the new range shouldbe…
6. Firstly, we…Secondly,
the…Thirdly…
7. Even a backup power supply is
installed, there is still dangerof…
8. Then we searched a close matchin the second lexicon.
9. The system is consisted ofseveral…
10. The cut-off value is depends
on…
11. …is uneven. Because the twoprobes have different intensity
settings.
…is uneven. Whereas the otherdevice produced an even level.
12. This technique is to measure theinherent fluctuations in…
IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
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Common Problems in Technical Writing
V. The Final Product: simple ways to improve your academic/scientific paper
Find the Problem

1.

2.

Analysis/Comments[beginning of Abstract,
Introduction, or other major
section]A new hue-filtering algorithm fornext-generation vehicle-mounted
cameras is proposed in thispaper.
[beginning of
Abstract/Introduction]
The Internet has revolutionized
the way information is
distributed throughout the world.

3.

[beginning of
Abstract/Introduction]
Let XYp7 represent a finite set ofreal-world variables in a…

4.

It should be pointed out that
the…
It is important to note that the…
Here, we note that the…
Note that the…

5.

1.1 Simulation model
In this section, we describe thesimulation model.

6.

…was also reported in [5] and
[6].

7.

…and many such cases can befound in the literatures.
Many researches haveinvestigated the problem of…

8.

Figure 6 shows that, as a result of
this modification, we could
obtain a ten-fold increase in…
IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
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Sample Outline: Basic Technical Paper
Tentative Title: “RoboDancer: Android Dance Instructor”
AbstProposal: Robot dance instructor to teach shy people
Features: dance role/gender, structure, dance database
Experiments/results: expert eval./user survey
Impact: Anyone can learn dance w/o embarrassment
IntroProb. Statement: Many people want to learn to dance, but are embarrassed
to take classes with other humans
Bckgrnd: Rising desire to learn dance by movies/YouTube, etc. but many
people drop out of dance school, too shy
Prev Works:-Rodgers et al. – Video-based VR & HMD-Kelly & Astaire – Footstep carpet (lights & haptic FB)-Pavlova & Duncan – VR Dance Hall (holographic sys)-other? Ask Prof Takahashi and Prof Soryoan
Our Apprch: Android Dance Instructor
Features Overview:-Independently set gender, lead/follow roles of android-Huge database of dance styles, difficulty levels-Structure: strong but soft materials for flexibility-Safety: kill switch, weight balance, full elec. Insulation
Preview of sections’ contents
MethsConstruction: theoretical concept + actual components-Dance-step DB: huge size, access by intuitive interface-Materials and config. for flexibility & User safety-Inflatable exoskeleton for easy storage
User Operation: keep brief!
Experiments-Participants: age, gender, dance experience; payment-Eval. by human experts after training of participants-User Satisfaction Survey: ease, effectiveness, enjoyment
ResultsExpert Eval: training progress, resulting skill, trainee variance
User survey: range of resps, Likert answers, subjective comments
Group compare: by gender, age, dance experience, expect from survey
DiscusEval of Results-Expert eval: criteria-based ratings, subjective opinions-Survey results: reasons for high/low satisfaction, probs mentioned-Group comp: hypotheses from feedback analysis
Shortcomings (to fix in future)-Explanations of dance errors not so intuitive-Voice recog. – requires user to speak loudly/clearly-Still needs transitions betwn diff dance steps
Conclu- Prototyped dance instrctr achieved
Summrze key results – usability, training prog.,Fut. Work – tackle abv probs, prod. scale-up, larger partcpnt baseSignificance – “Promise of quality dance training in private setting
without other students, human instrctr

IPSJ Technical Writing – Intermediate
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