A Health Campaign of Uniformed Services University, www.usuhs.edu, and theCenter for the Study of Traumatic Stress, Bethesda, Maryland, www.CSTSonline.org

Becoming A Couple Again:

How to Create a Shared Sense of Purpose
After Deployment
Coming together as a couple after■ Community support tradeWhat’s important now is to come together
war deployment isn’t always easy oroffs. Some spouses/partners andsomething that happens naturally. It
children left the military base toand create a “shared sense of purpose”,
requires effort and an understanding
stay with parents and in-laws forthat is essential for your well being as athat each person has grown andvarious reasons, but will havecouple, that of your children, and yourchanged during the separation. A
experienced loss of connection
positive way to think about this iswith their military community andlife in the community.
that both of you, service person andits familiarity and support.
spouse/partner, have developed your
■ Emotional changes. Someown sense of purpose coping with new experiences while
spouses/partners may have experienced growing
apart. What’s important now is to come together and create
independence and thrived on it; others may have founda “shared sense of purpose,” that is essential for your wellthis a difficult time leading to depression, anxiety,being as a couple, that of your children, and your life in theincreased alcohol or substance use and abuse, and othercommunity. This won’t happen overnight; it will take time,
symptoms of stress.
mutual compassion, and a desire to do so. Here are four
steps to help you create a “shared sense of purpose.”
STEP #2: Recognize that the following concerns upon
STEP#1: Understand each other’s sense of purpose
during separation
The returning service member’s sense of purpose has
been shaped by:■ Traumatic events that can be difficult to process and talkabout.

■ Identification and closeness with their military unit andcomrades who have shared similar experiences.

■ Regimentation in the form of highly structured andefficient routines.

■ Heightened sensory experiences including sights,sounds, and smells.

■ Expanded self-importance and identity shaped by war.

The spouse/partner’s sense of purpose has been shapedby:■ New roles and responsibilities. Many spouses/partners

have assumed new or more taxing employment,
oversight of finances, and child rearing.

return are common, often shared or felt indirectly,
and will require mutual adjustments and time
■ Home. Life at home does not have the edge andadrenaline associated with wartime duty, which often
leads to let down, disappointment, and difficulty
shifting gears.

■ Children. Reconnecting with one’s children is ananticipated event by service member and spouse.
Children react differently depending upon their age,and can be shy, angry, or jealous as new bonds arereestablished. Discipline will now be shared, often
resulting in conflicting opinions and styles.

■ Relationship. Concerns about having grown apart,growing close again without giving up individual
growth and viewpoints, issues of fidelity, and being able
to discuss these issues without raising more anxiety oranger challenge many couples.

■ Public. While there has been widespread support of theservice member, the public has mixed views of the war.
Protracted deployment and an upcoming election mayContinuedpolarize the public, promoting media coverage that canundermine the pride and purpose military families feel
about their involvement.
STEP #3: Relationship Breakers
Most couples argue about three things, which are sex,money, and children.
■ Intimacy. Intimacy is a combination of emotional andphysical togetherness. It is not easily reestablished after
stressful separations creating an emotional disconnect.

■ Partners may also experience high or low sexual interest

causing disappointment, friction, or a sense of rejection.
In due time, this may pass, but present concerns may
include hoping one is still loved, dealing with rumors orconcern about faithfulness, concern about medications
that can affect desire and performance, and expected
fatigue and alterations in sleep cycles.

■ Finances. During the deployment, most service

members and families received additional income fromtax breaks and combat duty pay, as much as $1,000
extra/month. Some families may have been able to set
aside appreciable savings; other families may have spentsome or all of the money on justifiable expenses andadjusted family budgets. This may create disagreementthat can hamper the important work of building shared
trust and financial planning as a couple essential tomoving forward.

■ Children. Children have grown and changed during

deployment. Some returning soldiers will see children
for the first time. It is important to build upon thepositive changes in your children and work as a couple
to address issues of concern that need improvement
or attention. Discipline of children will now be sharedand should be viewed as something that can be built
together rather than criticized or ignored.

Step#4: Relationship Makers
Here are some thoughts and tips for building a sharedsense of purpose and stronger family.
■ Expectations. Remember that fatigue, confusion,and worry, common during this transition, often leadto short tempers. In that frame of mind, it is easy torevert to the relationship breaker issues listed above.
If this happens, suggest taking time out and return todiscussions when both parties feel more relaxed.

■ Enjoy life. Find and do activities that are pleasurable

such as a movie, a family picnic, bowling, or shopping.
Create time in your weekly schedule to do something asa couple, as a family, and one-on-one between returning
service member and their child or children.

■ Give thanks. Together, thank those people, family,friends, co-workers, and new service member buddies,
who have helped you and your family during thisdeployment. Showing appreciation through writing
notes together. Calling people or visiting them willbring a sense of fulfillment that reunites each other’sexperiences.
■ Communicate. Talking together builds a sharedsense of purpose. Desire to communicate is more
important than details. Service members often preferto discuss war stories with military buddies to protect
their spouse/partner and family from traumatic
memories. Spouses should not be offended. Other
ways to communicate involve physical activity. Takewalks, work out together or engage in a sport. Healthy
communication involves processing feelings, newinformation, and relieving stress. Read, draw, paint,dance, sing, play an instrument, or volunteer at church
or in the community to keep a sense of perspective andindividuality as you grow together as a couple.

■ Let time be your friend. Time may not mend

everything, but it is often one of the most importantfactors in healing and solving problems.

■ Be positive. A positive attitude is one of the mostimportant gifts you can bring to each other and yourfamily during this time. Appreciating what one has
gives strength and energy to a family and a couple.
Special circumstances such as physical injury andpsychological problems are not addressed in this fact
sheet and require additional support, information, andresources.

■ Know when to seek help. Both service member

and spouse/partner have endured a level of stress,
uncertainty, worry, and lonesomeness that can affectone’s physical and mental health. If either spouse/
partner or service member suspects they may besuffering from a physical and mental health problem,
it is essential to seek help. Many service members do
not want to seek help for physical and mental healthproblems from the military for fear of damaging theircareer. However, the consequences of letting a problem
linger untreated can be much more damaging. Thereare excellent treatments including medications that canhelp people reclaim their lives and enjoy their families,
as they should. You owe it to yourself and your family to
be in good health.

We hope this fact sheet is helpful and something you
will hold onto and refer to in the months ahead. Servicemembers and spouses/partners should feel proud of theimportant contributions both have made to our nation.
Now it is time to reunite with loved ones and enjoy a sharedsense of purpose and togetherness.