I am a Cat – Chapter 3b
Natsume Sōseki – 1905
This, finally, is something Hanako can agree to, and she starts in with her questions. Her speech, quite
crass just a moment before, is civil again as she addresses Meitei. "I understand Kangetsu holds a bachelorof science degree, but what specifically is his area of expertise?" "His graduate work was on the earth's
magnetic field." The master provides a straight response. The significance of this subject area, regrettably,
is beyond Hanako. She offers a cursory response, but her expression remains one of doubt. "Does suchresearch lead to a doctorate degree?" she asks. "Are you suggesting that the degree motivates theresearch?" the master asks in return with a sour look. "Yes. There's nothing special about a bachelor's
degree. Lots of men hold them," she replies coolly. The master turns to Meitei, with a look grown evenmore disagreeable. "It's not for us to say who earns a doctorate or who doesn't. Let's move on to anotherquestion." Meitei, too, is a bit peeved. "Of late, is he still researching the earth's -- whatever it was?""Several days ago he addressed the Society for Physical Sciences, presenting his research results on themechanics of hanging," the master offers without hesitation. "Good gracious! Hanging? He's really out
there, isn't he? He won't be earning his doctorate with a topic like hanging." "Not if he's the one hanging.
But the mechanics of hanging is another matter. I wouldn't count him out." "Really now?" This time sheturns to the master, looking to read his face. Sadly, the meaning of "mechanics" eludes her. All her queries
are for naught. Believing, perhaps, that a basic question is beneath the dignity of Madam Kaneda, she
resorts to scrutiny of the men's faces, hoping to glean some insight. The master's expression is anything
but accommodating. "Does he ever produce anything that the average person might understand?" "Indeed.
The other day he authored a paper on the structural stability of acorns and how it relates to the dance ofcelestial bodies." "Are acorns really worthy of university research?" "As an outsider, I wouldn't know. But
at any rate, if Kangetsu is working on it, then they must deem it worthwhile." Meitei brushes her off withcool composure.
Hanako, realizing she's out of her element, abandons talk of scholarship for a new subject. "On an
unrelated topic -- I understand that over New Year's he damaged a front tooth eating mushrooms." "Hedid. I can picture him still with mochi stuck in the gap." Meitei, deciding he should field this particularinquiry, was suddenly re-engaged. "Isn't that rather repulsive? Why can't he cut his mochi first with theskewer?" "Next time he's here I'll caution him," the master replies with a chuckle. "He must have poor
teeth to begin with, if mushrooms can do such harm. What do you think?" "They can't be the best of teeth-- wouldn't you agree, Meitei?" "Certainly not strong teeth, but a bit endearing. Curious that he hasn't had
it tended to. He'll snare another mochi there yet. It's quite a feature." "Can he not afford to have his toothtended to, or does he somehow fancy this gap?" "Rest assured, I don't expect he'll be making the rounds as
Mr. Absent Incisor for long." Meitei is back in high spirits. Hanako moves on to a new topic. "If you havea sample of his writing, perhaps a letter he's written you, I'd like to take a look." "I've plenty of postcards."
The master retrieves some thirty or forty from his study. "I don't need to see so many -- just two or three of1ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Projectthose ..." "Let's see them. I'll help you choose," Meitei offers. "Here's a good one." He produces a picture
postcard. "He does artwork too? A man of many talents. Let's have a look." Hanako takes it in. "Goodlord, a tanuki! Of all the thing to draw -- even at that, it's not half bad." She acknowledges the quality of
the work. "Read what he wrote," the master suggests with a grin. Like a maidservant reading thenewspaper, Hanako tackles the text. "It's the close of the year, by the old calendar. The mountain tanuki,
gathered for a garden party, dance to their hearts' content. 'Suppoko-pon-no-pon. 'tis the evening of the
year's end, and no one this way comes,' echoes their song." "What nonsense is this? Mischief andmockery?" Hanako voices her discontent. "How about a heavenly nymph?" Meitei offers another card. A
nymph, adorned in celestial raiment, is strumming a lute.
"The nymph's nose seems awfully small." "I'd call it average. But forget the nose. Read what he wrote."
What he'd written was as follows. "Long ago, in a certain land, there lived an astronomer. One night heascended his platform, as he did most every night, to study the heavens. A beautiful nymph appeared onhigh and began to strum a delicate, unearthly tune. The astronomer listened with rapture, taking no noticeas the cold crept through his bones. By morning, a pure white frost coated his lifeless body. The old man,
who's known as a teller of tales, insists that this one is true." "What rubbish is this? There's no point to it.
This is the work of a bachelor of science? He should try reading Bungei Club. Might do him some good."
Hanako rips on Kangetsu. Meitei, at this point largely for his own amusement, offers her a third card. This
one has a sailboat printed on it, with some lines as usual dashed off below. "Last night's inn. A maiden of
sixteen. Alone with no parents. Plovers on wave-swept rocks. She wakes at night and cries to them. Her
seafaring parents lost beneath the waves." "Not at all bad. I'm impressed. Fully intelligible." "It is?""Certainly. I could put the shamisen to it." "In that case, it must be alright. How about this one?" Meitei's
still at it. "No, thank you, I've seen enough. He's not entirely uncultured." She seems to have formed her
opinion and has no further questions. "You'll pardon, then, my imposition. I'd prefer you not mention toKangetsu that I called." She demands to know anything and everything about Kangetsu. Then she turns
around and seems to expect that, with respect to her own actions, Kangetsu be kept in the dark. "Okaay."
The master and Meitei respond with lukewarm affirmation. "I'll see that it's worth your trouble," she adds
for assurance as she rises to go. The two of them see her off and return to their seats. "What was that?"
Meitei immediately asks. "What was that?" the master echoes the same words. From the inner room they
can hear the wife, no longer able to contain herself, laughing audibly. "That, my good lady, was mundanity
in the flesh. Mundanity in such abundance, it oozes from every pore. No need to hold back now, treat
yourself to a good long laugh."
The master's displeasure still echoes in his voice. "For starters, that face is hideous," he states withrevulsion. Meitei picks it up from there, adding, "The way that nose, encamped in the middle, singularly
dominates." "And crooked at that." "A bit hunchbacked. A hunchbacked nose is in a rarity indeed."
Mirthful laughter follows. "A henpecker's beak. The poor husband," the master's resentment is unabated.
"Unsold goods from the last century, warming the shelf in this new one. That's what she looks like."2

ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki ProjectMeitei contributes an offbeat remark. At this point the wife emerges from her inner room to interject her
woman's perspective. "If you keep badmouthing her so, the cartman's wife will report you." "Good
medicine for her if she catches this." "You're stooping low, smearing her looks. No one would choose to beborn with that nose -- and it's a lady you're talking of. You're too awful." In defending Hanako's nose, shealso secures her own features from critique. "Awful's the right word. That's no lady. That's a halfwit ninny.
Wouldn't you say, Meitei?" "She may be a halfwit ninny, but watch out. She shredded you but good." "No
respect for a teacher. What does she take me for?" "In her eyes, you're no better than the cartman out back.
If you want her respect, you'll have to earn your doctorate. If you had more foresight, you'd pursue one.
Isn't that right, madam?" Meitei engages the wife with a grin. "A doctorate's out of his reach." Themaster's own wife has long since written him off. "Who knows? Maybe I'll earn one yet. Don't dismiss me
too soon. The likes of you wouldn't know this, but Isocrates, in ancient Greece, penned his magnum opus
at ninety four. Sophocles was nearly a hundred when his masterwork took the world by storm. And
Simonides produced his best poetry at eighty. Don't count me ..." "Utterly absurd. What man, with adigestive tract like yours, has ever lived that long?" The wife, in her thinking, has factored in the length of
his days. "Impudent thing! -- Go yourself and talk to Amaki -- you know why that woman played me for afool? Because you dress me in patched clothes and this ratty black coat. Starting tomorrow, set out myfiner clothes. I'll dress like Meitei." "How can I set out fine clothes? You don't own any. And besides,
Madam Kaneda was deferential to Meitei on account of his uncle. It's nothing to do with attire." The wife
adroitly deflects all blame.
As if suddenly reminded by the word "uncle," the master queries Meitei. "This today was the first I'dheard of your uncle. You've never mentioned him before. Do you really have such an uncle?" Meitei,
who'd clearly been anticipating the question, addresses his answer to husband and wife. "I do. This uncleof mine is stubborn to a fault -- another holdout from the last century, imposing his existence on this newone." "Ho ho! Again an interesting perspective. Where does he live?" "He lives in Shizuoka, but not in any
ordinary manner. He sports a topknot and cuts a striking figure. He never wears a hat, and when told to doso boasts that the cold can't touch him -- advised to stay in bed and keep warm, he scoffs that four hours'
sleep is enough. To sleep more than four hours is decadence, and each morning he rises before the sun. He
goes on, then, about long years of training to cut his sleep to four hours. How he struggled in his youth,
yielding at times to fatigue, but can now report, with great satisfaction, that his efforts have borne fruit. At
sixty seven anyone takes less sleep. His training's as good as naught, yet he credits his success, entirely, tomind over matter. Another thing - whenever he leaves home he carries an iron-ribbed fan." "Whateverfor?" "Who knows what for, but he carries it nonetheless. Maybe in place of a cane. The other day, though,something odd occurred." Meitei directs this last line at the wife. "You don't say?" She spurs him on withminimal interruption. "It was in the spring. A letter arrived one day, requesting that a derby hat and frock
coat be sent right away. Not sure what to make of this, I wrote back to confirm. The old man, the answer
came, was to wear them himself. They should be procured immediately. There was a victory celebration in
Shizuoka, planned for the 23rd, and they must arrive in time."3

ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Project

"Here's what was funny, though. I was instructed to buy a hat of 'appropriate size.' As for themeasurements for the coat, I was to use my best judgment and have it tailored at Daimaru ..." "Are theytailoring coats at Daimaru these days?" "They're not. I'm sure the old gentleman was confused and meant
Shirokiya." "How could he expect you to guess his measurements?" "That's my uncle being my uncle.""What did you do?" "What could I do? I took my best shot and mailed them off." "A rash undertaking. Did
they make it in time?" "Somehow or other, it seems. I checked out the local paper from the day inquestion, and there was old Makiyama, decked out in that frock coat, of all things, but still clutching his
signature iron-ribbed fan ..." "I guess he couldn't relinquish his fan." "I'll tell you, when his days are upthat fan, and that fan alone, goes with him in his casket." "It all went well, then, the hat and the coat." "Notquite. Just as I was congratulating myself for having pulled it off without incident, a small package arrived
from Shizuoka. Assuming it was some token of appreciation, I opened it up and found inside the derby hatwith a letter. 'Despite your efforts in procuring said hat, I must report it's a shade large. I request you returnit to the hat shop, with instruction to alter it down. I'll happily reimburse you, via postal money order, thefee involved.' That's what he wrote." "Rather heedless fellow, if I may say so." The master, it seems, iselated to learn of a man in this world more heedless yet than himself. "What did you do, then?" he finallyasks. "There was nothing I could do, so I kept the hat for myself." "That's that hat?" The master exclaims
with a chuckle. "This man is a baron?" the wife asks with a dubious tone. "Who's that?" "Your uncle with
the iron-ribbed fan." "He's a scholar of Chinese classics. In his younger days at Yushima Seido, he found
his passion in neo-Confucian texts and the sort. Even today, under modern electric lamp light, he sports
his top knot and reverently peruses old texts. He's set in his ways." Meitei rubs his chin the while as hespeaks. "Even so, I could swear you described him to that woman as Baron Makiyama." "That is what you
said. I heard it from the other room." The wife, on this point, is in rare agreement with the master. "So I
did, perhaps. Ha ha ha ha ha." Meitei laughs easily. "I made that up. If my uncle were a baron, I'd bebureau chief by now," he adds with an unruffled air.
"I did think it all rather odd." The master's face is a mixture of glee and concern. "Well I'll be. And you
sounded so sincere. When it comes to spinning tales, you're top notch." The wife is duly impressed. "Thatwoman easily tops me." "You seemed to hold your own just fine." "But here's the thing, madam. The tales
I spin are simply tales. In her case, ulterior motives, shady at best, abound. She's wicked at heart. You
mustn't confuse conniving schemes with heaven-sent humor. Rueing the dearth of discerning men, thegods of comedy will heave a heavy sigh." "I wonder," the master comments with averted gaze. "There's
really no difference," the wife replies with a grin.
Up until now, I'd never set foot in that lane cross the way. And I knew nothing, of course, of the corner
residence or the Kaneda folk who dwelled therein. I'd never even heard of them. In the master's house,
there was no talk of industrialists. Being the master's cat, living in his house and eating his food, I wasn't
just remote from this segment of society, but wholly indifferent to it. Now, however, after Hanako's
intrusion, and having listened in on the exchange, my thoughts wandered to this daughter. I imagined her4ō

I am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Projectcharms, and her wealth and status intrigued me. Cat though I am, it was time to get up from the veranda.
First and foremost, I was spurred forward by a great sympathy for Kangetsu. The other party had bought
off a scholar's wife, the cartman's wife, and even that two-string Tenshō-in. They'd sounded him out down
to his teeth. There sat Kangetsu, all the while, tugging at his haori ties with a guileless grin. Even for a
newly-minted bachelor of science, he was far too naïve. That being said, no common man could contend
with this woman, endowed as she was with that overbearing nose. The master, in the case at hand, waslacking both in motivation and means.
Meitei had the means but was ever the Coincidental Child, unlikely to proffer any real assistance. That left
our poor man of letters, who spoke in public on hanging and its mechanics, alone and in the lurch. It was
up to me, then, to infiltrate the enemy camp, surveil their movements, and level the crooked field. I may
be a cat, but I reside with a scholar, a scholar no less who reads Epictetus and slams it shut on his desk. I'm
not your run-of-the-mill know-nothing cat, but stand, rather, in a class of my own. There's chivalry enoughin me, even just in the tip of my tail, that I can't but answer this venture's call. In no way am I beholden toKangetsu. My passion in this moment, in fact, transcends the plight of any single man. If I may be so bold,my mission is noble and divine - the restoration of heaven's justice and reverence for the Middle Path. The
Azumabashi incident was usurped and misused. Hounds were loosed to steal near and eavesdrop, their illgotten gains paraded in triumph. Cartmen, stable hands, scallywags, rogue lodging students, hired hags,
midwives, hoary witches, foolish dolts, all manner of folk had been corrupted into shameless service
against a worthy son of our land -- A cat can only stand so much. Fortunately, the weather was fair. The
thawing frost put me off a bit, but principle trumped bodily concern. Muddy paws, and the plum blossom
prints they might track across the veranda, would annoy Osan but were nothing to me. Invested thus witha valorous heart, filled with devotion and roused to grand resolve, there was no waiting till the morrow. I
hurried to the kitchen, prepared to depart at once, then caught myself. "Wait a moment," I thought. I'm theevolutionary pinnacle of my species, the intellectual equal of any human middle schooler. Unfortunately,
though, my throat is the throat of a cat, and I can't form human words. Even if I pull this off, sneaking into
the Kaneda residence and thoroughly reconnoitering the rival camp, the all-important Kangetsu willremain in the dark. Nor can I talk to the master or Meitei. Without speech, I'm a diamond in the dirt,
emitting no sparkle for want of the sun. The intelligence I've garnered will all be for naught. What folly,
then. Why even go? I lingered thus in the starting block.
Then again, to refrain having once committed is somehow dissatisfying, like watching an anticipatedrainfall, dark clouds and all, pass on to a neighboring land. It would be one thing if my intent wereiniquity, but justice and benevolence are at stake here. Any duty-loving man would gladly champion theirdefense, even at risk of dying in vain. It's only proper, then, for a cat to invest some exertion or muddy his
feet, even to no avail. As a cat, I lack the faculty to debate learned men like Kangetsu, Meitei, and themaster. I can't engage in exchange of ideas. What I can do, and far better than any scholar, is exercise
stealth. To do what others cannot is, in and of itself, most satisfying. And better that I alone be privy to the5ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki ProjectKaneda secrets than no one at all. I can't relate what I know, but I can make it known that I know, and that
too is something. More and more, the pendulum swings in favor of action. It's decided - I'll go.
I make my way to the lane cross the way, and sure enough, on the corner lot stands a Western-style house,looming over its neighbors. It occurs to me, as I pass through the gate and survey the structure, that its
owners, likewise, must lord it over their neighbors. The two-story height serves no useful function, otherthan to impose its presence on its surroundings. Was this not Meitei's so-called "mundanity?" The
entryway back to my right, I creep through the shrubs and circle round to the kitchen door. The kitchen isduly large, ten times that of the master's place. The other day, the Japan News ran a story on Count Ōkuma
and described his kitchen in detail. This kitchen, tidy and sparkling, is no less impressive. I steal my way
into this "kitchen exemplar." In a small ante room with plastered floor stands the aforementioned
cartman's wife, in spirited conversation with a kitchen helper and rickshaw man. My senses on high alert, I
advance as far as the water tank and hide myself in back.
"Did that teacher really not know who the boss is?" asked the kitchen helper. "How could he not know?
Everyone round here knows the Kanedas. He must be blind, deaf, and dull-witted to boot." This from theKaneda's rickshaw man. "What can I say? He's an odd one, lost in his books. Just an inkling of who theboss is, and he'd know enough to show some respect. Hopeless case. Doesn't even know his own
children's ages," replied the cartman's wife. "No regard for the Kanedas, huh? Bothersome lout. What say
we put some fear into him? He's no match for us." "Let's do. Insulting the madam's looks, calling out her
nose -- how dare he? Look at his own mug, Imado-ware tanuki -- worse yet, purports to be accomplished.""It's not just his face. He saunters off to the baths, towel in hand, like an arrogant prig. Fancies himself
above us." The kitchen helper takes great issue with master Kushami. "Anyhow, we'll go in numbers, rightup to the fenceline, and let him hear it good." "Teach him who's who." "Best if we're heard but not seen.
Impose our voices onto his studies, taunt him to no end. That's what Madam wishes." "Count me in." The
cartman's wife allies herself as a fellow heckler. So this was the party, then, that was coming to taunt themaster. Slipping softly past them, I proceed further in.
A cat's paws are everywhere yet nowhere, with never an untoward sound. Like footsteps on air, likemotion through mist, like stone on stone in water, like strings strummed deep in the earth, an exquisite
taste of ultimate truth, experienced first hand, in absence of spoken words. Never mind this mundane
Western house, never mind its model kitchen, never mind the cartman's wife, the manservant, the kitchen
helper, the daughter, the hired hands, Madam Hanako or her husband. I go where I like, listen as I please,stick out my tongue, shake my tail, set my whiskers taut, then quietly take my leave. When it comes tosuch technique, none in this land can match me. That nekomata demon cat of yore, I've begun to suspect,
may well yet coarse through these veins. They say that toads carry, embedded in their foreheads, anoctilucent gem. Likewise, I carry in my tail not just the gods of heaven and earth, not just the Buddha,
not just life's allures and transience, but a miracle elixir for all man's afflictions down through the ages. To
6ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Projectstalk the Kaneda's corridors unnoticed, for me, is like Niō crushing jelly underfoot. In this moment,
humbled by the height of my own powers, all stemming from this prized tail, I couldn't help but pause outof reverence. I lowered my head in deference to the great tail deity, adding a prayer for eternal feline
fortune. It occurred to me, though, that my bearings were off. To laud the tail, one faces the tail. As I
turned my body, my tail followed suit. I twisted my head to compensate, but my tail jumped by the same
degree, still a step ahead. An object so divine, housing heaven and earth in its shortest span, was everbeyond my grasp. Exhausted after seven turns or more, I duly abandoned the chase. My head was
swimming. I'd lost track of which way was which. Caring not, I stumbled on my way. Hanako's voice,from behind a shōji, stopped me in my tracks. I perked my ears and stilled my breath. "Penniless teacher,and disrespectful to boot." Her shrill voice rose up in ire.
"A real wise guy, huh? Let's take him down a notch. I know some folks at that school. We go way back.""Who's that?" "Tsuki Pinsuke and Fukachi Kishago. They'll help us." From which region this Kaneda
fellow hails, I cannot say, but I was taken aback by the odd names of his fellows. He continued on. "Theguy teaches English, does he?" "Yes, that's what the cartman's wife says. His specialty is English Readers
or some such." "Poor excuse for a teacher, I reck'n." I was struck by his use of "reck'n." "The other day,when I last saw Pinsuke, he mentioned an odd fellow on the staff. A student asked this fellow what'bancha' was in English, and the fellow replied, in all seriousness, 'savage tea.' Among the staff, he still
can't live it down. One teacher like that, Pinsuke lamented, puts the whole school to shame. Most likely it's
this same guy." "I'm sure it's him. It shows in his face. Even through those pretentious whiskers.""Shameful lout." If whiskers make for a shameful lout then where does that leave us cats? "Then there'sthat Meitei, spewing incoherence. Preposterous wag if ever there was one." "You mustn't let yourself
swallow some charlatan's line." "Who would've thought he was fibbing through and through?" Madam
Kaneda seems to still be kicking herself. Curiously, not a word is said of Kangetsu. Perhaps I stole in lateand missed it. It could be, too, that they've written him off and purged him from their thoughts. This wasforemost in my mind, but I could garner no insight. As I lingered there, a bell sounded in a room down theway. Something was up. Loathe to miss out, I directed my steps toward the sound.
As I reached the scene, a woman was talking loudly. Judging from the voice, and its resemblance to
Hanako's, this was none other than the young lady of the house, the object and inspiration of Kangetsu's
thwarted plunge. Regrettably, I was hearing her through the shōji and couldn't view her form.
Consequently, I can't confirm that her face enshrines a large nose in its center. However, I could put two
and two together. From the tone of her conversation, and the heavy nasal breathing, I was hard pressed toimagine an unassuming nose. She was talking to someone, yet no other voice was heard. This must be, I
surmised, the thing they call the telephone. "Is this Yamato? I want seats for tomorrow, Uzura section,
third row -- you got that? -- all set? -- You haven't got it? Is it that hard? Uzura section third row. -- What'sthat? -- There aren't any left? There'd better be some left. Do as I say. -- You think I'm joking? -- No one's
laughing. -- Don't you mess with me. Who is this, anyway? Chōkichi? Well Chōkichi, if you can't handle
7ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Projectthis I'll speak with the mistress. Put her on. -- What? You're fully capable? -- Insolent wretch! Do you
know who I am? Kaneda! -- Ha ha ha. You're well aware, are you? What kind of idiot are you? -- I'm
Kaneda! -- What? - You're grateful for our patronage are you? -- Is that so? Well I don't need yourgratitude. -- Is something funny? You really are a dimwit, aren't you? -- Exactly so, huh? -- Mess with me
and I'm hanging up. Is that what you want? Is that okay? -- Don't go silent now. Answer me!" Chōkichi,
perhaps, had had enough. There seemed to be no answer. The daughter flew into a tizzy and ground awayon the bell. A small dog at her feet, startled no doubt, yapped up a ruckus. Better safe than sorry, I leapt
down from the veranda and stole underneath.
In the next moment, footsteps approached down the corridor, and I heard the shōji open. Someone hadcome, and I strained my ears to listen. "The master and mistress request my lady's presence," a voice,seemingly that of a maid, announced. "What of it!" the daughter fired back in defiance. "They've a matterto discuss and asked me to summon my lady." "To hell with you! Go away!" The daughter unleashed asecond shot. "... they say it concerns one Mizushima Kangetsu." The maid took a new tact, hoping toplacate the daughter. "Kangetsu, Suigetsu ... who cares? -- Despicable man. Face like a clueless gourd."
Poor Kangetsu, in absentia, is the target of her third shot. "Since when have you done up your hair?" Themaid drew a cautious breath. "I did it today," she kept her answer short. "Pretentious thing. Don't forgetyour place." The fourth shot came from a new angle. "And isn't that a new half-collar?" "It is. It's the one
my lady gave me, a while back. I'd thought it too fine and put it away with my things, but my old one wassoiled, so I brought out the new one." "When did I ever give that to you?" "This past New Year's. My lady
purchased it at Shirokiya -- brown fabric, with a touch of green and a sumō banzuke dyed in. If my lady
will recall, she decided it was too drab and said I should have it. It's that one." "Well I'll be. It certainly
looks good on you. Too good." "I thank you, my lady." "I intended no compliment. It looks too good.""Pardon?" "Why didn't you say something?" "Pardon?" "If it looks that good on you, don't you suppose it
might look good on me?" "I'm sure it would, my lady." "You're sure it would look good on me, yet you say
nothing and keep it for yourself. Villainous thing!" The daughter's wrath continued to rain on the maid. As
I listened closely, wondering how this would end, the voice of Mr. Kaneda resounded through the hall.
"Tomiko! Tomiko!" "Coming," the daughter answered reluctantly and exited the telephone room. The
small dog, only slightly larger than myself, with eyes and mouth bunched together in the middle of its
face, followed behind. Again on stealthy feet, I stole past the kitchen and out onto the road. My expeditiona grand success, I hurried back to the master's house.
In returning home my surroundings changed, all of a sudden, from opulent halls to dingy hovel. It was asthough I'd exchanged a sunny mountaintop for the dark depths of the earth. My thoughts while exploring
had been occupied with other matters, and I hadn't noted the decor of the rooms or the condition of thefusuma and shōji. Now, however, as the crassness of my own abode hit me, I found myself drawn to what
those here mocked as "mundanity." The industrialist, it seemed, was indeed above the teacher. Thinking it
mustn't be so, I sought the counsel of my eminent tale. "Such is the case. Such is the case," came the8ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Projectdivine answer. Much to my surprise as I re-entered the parlor, Meitei was still there. Myriad cigarettebutts, smoked out and thrust into the ashes of the hibachi, formed a honeycomb pattern. Meitei himself, ina cross-legged slouch, was rambling on at length. Kangetsu was there too, having newly arrived on thescene. The master was reclining, head propped on his outstretched arm, scrutinizing the water stains on theceiling. The men of quiet leisure, once more, were assembled.
"Kangetsu, that woman who spoke of you in delirium. You weren't at liberty to tell us her name before, but
how about now?" Meitei is starting in on Kangetsu. "If it just concerned me I'd tell you, but there's theother party to consider." "So you still can't say?" "I gave my word to that wife of a certain scholar.""Promised to tell not a soul, is that it?" "Yes." Kangetsu, per habit, twists at the ties of his haori. The ties
are purple, a color not found in the shops. "Those ties, judging by their color, must date from the Tenpō
Era," the master comments, still reclined. The Kaneda affair interests him not in the least. "I would say sotoo. Not from these days of Russian wars. Those ties belong with a hollyhock-crested battle garment. They
say Oda Nobunaga tied back his hair on occasion of his marriage. Those are just the ties he might haveused." Meitei's remarks are long-winded as always. "Actually, my grandfather wore these on the Chōshū
expedition." Kangetsu replies in all earnestness.
"Isn't it high time you passed them off to a museum? The bachelor of science Mizushima Kangetsu,
lecturer on the mechanics of hanging, does his reputation no favors in donning the worn threads of someshogun's bygone vassal." "But for a certain someone, I'd gladly heed your counsel. A certain someone saysthese ties suit me superbly ..." "Who's that? Who could purvey such poor taste?" the master exclaims in aloud voice as he rolls himself over. "It's no one you would know ..." "Known or not, tell us who." "Acertain female." "Ha ha ha ha ha. A romantic, have we? Let's guess. Might it be that same young lady whocalled your name from the bottom of the Sumida River? What say you don your haori and play theperished soul once more?" Meitei butts in with his own two cents. "Heh heh heh. There'll be no more callsfrom the river bottom. She's back in the world of the pure, northwest of here in fact ..." "Doesn't seem sopure to me. That nose is downright toxic." "Huh?" Kangetsu returns a dubious look. "We were intruded
upon by that nose cross the way. Right here. Caught us both off guard. Isn't that right, Kushami?" "Yup."
The master, still reclining, sips his tea. "By nose, to whom do you refer?" "That mother of your everbeloved." "Huuh?" "Mrs. Kaneda came asking about you," the master explains in direct terms. He watches
Kangetsu's face for surprise, delight, shame, or any other reaction, but sees none. "I suppose she wants me
to wed her daughter." Kangetsu replies in his usual quiet manner. Once again he twists his purple ties. "Farfrom it, it seems. That mother sports the grandest of noses, and ..." Meitei begins, only to be interrupted by
the master. "Listen here. All this while I've been thinking up verses to honor that nose." This from out ofleft field.
The wife, in the next room, can't suppress a giggle. "You're taking it well in stride. Have you got
something?" "A little. The first line goes, 'This face but tribute to its nose.'" "After that?" "Next comes,9ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Project

'Lift to the nose a sacred cup.'" "Keep going." "That's all so far." "I like it." Kangetsu sports a wide grin.
"How about continuing with, 'Murky cavities two.'" Meitei is quick with a line. "'So deep no hairs are
seen.' How does that sound?" Kangetsu adds another. As each adds to the nonsense, four or five voices
sound from the street near the fence. "Imado-ware Tanuki! Imado-ware Tanuki!" The master and Meitei,
startled by the uproar, turn toward the front and peer through the gap in the fence. Laughter rises, followedby the sound of footsteps receding into the distance. "Imado-ware tanuki? What's that about?" Meitei
quizzes the master. "No idea," the master replies. "They're really at it." Kangetsu adds his assessment.
Meitei, as if recalling something, suddenly jumps to his feet and assumes an orator's pose. "Over many
years, drawing on my faculty for aesthetics, I've studied this thing called the nose. If the two of you will
indulge me for some moments, I'll share what I've come to know." The master, caught off guard, looks at
him dumbfounded. "By all means, let's hear it," Kangetsu says in a soft voice. "Despite muchinvestigation, the origins of the nose remain unclear. First off, if we suppose the nose a tool of practicaluse, then why the redundant openings? And no need to jut haughtily out from the center. Why then, as you
can see, has it come to protrude so?" Meitei grasps his own nose by way of example. "I'd hardly call that
protruding." The master interjects, foregoing all flattery. "At any rate, it's not sunken. A word of warningup front. To dismiss the nose as two openings side by side, and nothing more, is to invite
misunderstanding. -- Now, in my humble opinion, the development of its present form is the natural
culmination of myriad human nasal activities, such as blowing one's nose." "Makes perfect sense." Themaster inserts his approval.
"As you're well aware, when blowing one's nose, one invariably grasps it. And in grasping it, one
stimulates this particular area here. According to the fundamentals of evolutionary theory, this area in turnwill respond to said stimulation with disproportionate development. The skin naturally stiffens, the flesh
gradually solidifies. Before long they've hardened to bone." "That's a bit -- flesh can't just turn to bone."
Kangetsu, as a bachelor of science, can't let this pass unchallenged. Meitei, undeterred, continues on.
"Skepticism is duly warranted, but the proof lies in the pudding. There's no denying the bone is there. So
the bone forms, yet the nose still runs. One can't ignore a runny nose. Actions follow, the sides of the nose
are worn away. In the end, a tall, slender protrusion results -- a marvel to behold. As dripping water cutsstone, as the head of Pindola Bharadjava shines with radiant light, in the vein of wondrous fragrances andcurious smells, thus is conjured the ridge of the nose." "But yours is round and puffy." "The speaker's
features, lest he fall to their defense, are not up for debate. My wish here is to expound, for your benefit,on the nose possessed by the elder Kaneda, the most developed, the grandest, the rarest specimen in all theland." "Hii ya ya ya!" Kangetsu, despite himself, cheers in approval. "However, while extremes harbor
certain magnificence, they're also, in another sense, frightful and repulsive. The ridge of that nose may bequite splendid, but it strikes one as overly precipitous. The great men of old, be they Socrates, Goldsmith,or Thackeray, all fell short in facial form and nasal structure. These shortcomings, though, were endearing.
It's not sheer height that endears a nose to us, but rather distinction of form. 'Dumplings rather than noses,'10

ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Project

or so I believe they say. Along those lines, in terms of aesthetic appeal, the Meitei nose is more or lessideal." Kangetsu and the master burst into laughter.
Meitei himself, in high spirits, joins the laughter. "Now, what I've talked on thus far --" "Excuse me, good
doctor, but 'talk' is a storyteller's term. Let's have something more polished, shall we?" Kangetsu hits
Meitei with his own medicine. "Duly noted. Allow me to start anew. -- yes -- I propose to touch next on
the topic of nose-face balance. If we focus solely on the nose, in isolation, then the elder Kaneda indeed
possesses a noteworthy specimen -- placed on exhibition on Mount Kurama, it would likely win firstplace. It's that distinguished. Sadly, though, it was planted in place with no regard for the eyes, mouth, orother faculties. Imagine Caesar's nose, snipped off with shears and fused to the face of this cat. Wouldn't
that be a sight? Even if we moved it to the cat's roomier forehead, its noble bridge would soar too high,like Nara's giant Buddha on a go board. All sense of proportion would be lost, and with it I believe, any
and all aesthetic merit. The elder Kaneda's nose is, in truth, no less dashing than Caesar's. But what of the
facial elements laid out around it? Granted, they're a cut above those of this cat. That being said, it is truethat the eyebrows march up sharply, carving out homely, spasmodic furrows. These furrows, in turn, hoist
up narrow eyes. Is not the pairing of said nose with said face then, gentlemen, most unfortunate?" As
Meitei pauses for a moment, a voice sounds from out back. "Still going on about noses. Obstinate
knuckleheads!" "That's the cartman's wife," the master informs Meitei.
Meitei starts in again. "The speaker is most honored to learn that, against all expectation, a new listener ofthe fairer sex has chosen to join in the back. As an unanticipated delight, a fluid and charming voice has
injected a bit of luster into an otherwise drab lecture. I would hope to retain the lady's favor by continuing
in a non-technical vein, but I'm afraid I must touch on the subject of mechanics. This will necessarily
challenge a lady listener, so I ask in advance for forbearance." Kangetsu, at the mention of mechanics, isbeaming again. "What I'll now substantiate is that this nose and face are mutually incompatible. I shalldemonstrate, through rigorous application of mechanical principles, that they stand in violation of
Zeising's golden ratio. First, let H denote the nose's height. α is the angle formed by the intersection of theplane of the face with the nose. And please recognize W, of course, as the nose's weight. Are you
following so far? ..." "Who could follow that?" the master objects. "What do you say, Kangetsu?" "I'mafraid you've lost me too." "Oh my. That's not good. I though I might lose Kushami, but never a bachelorof science. These formulas are pivotal to my thesis. Without them all is for naught -- Ah well, I guess it
can't be helped. I'll skip the formulas and jump to my conclusion." "You've drawn a conclusion?" themaster interjects with a questioning look. "Of course I have a conclusion. A talk without a conclusion is
like Western cuisine sans dessert. -- Now pay attention, gentlemen, here it comes. -- Given the preceding
formulae, and in light of the theories of Virchow and Weismann, one must absolutely acknowledge thehereditary nature of innate physical traits. One must also accept, despite the prevailing argument for
acquired traits independent of heredity, that mental condition, to some extent, is also tied to said physical11ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Project

traits. I follows then, that the progeny of one possessing so ill-suited a nose be likewise fated to nasal
aberration.""Kangetsu here is a young man, and perhaps has yet to recognize any special abnormality in the young
miss Kaneda's nasal structure. The genes at work may long lie dormant till suddenly, with a shift in theweather, they spring into action. The nose then swells, and may even match the mother's. Therefore, itwould seem most prudent, based on Meitei's scholarly analysis, to cease at once all thoughts of said union.
I expect you'll hear from the master of this house, as well from as the esteemed nekomata asleep overthere, no difference of opinion." The master slowly props himself back up. "Absolutely! Who in his rightmind would take that thing's daughter? By all means desist." He makes his case in no uncertain terms. For
my part, I mew twice to signal my concurrence. Kangetsu shows no particular indication of distress. "If
that's the opinion of my gentlemen friends then I'm happy enough calling it quits. I worry, though, for theother party. If my actions affect her health then I'll find myself in the wrong --" "Ha ha ha ha ha. A crimeof passion, so to speak." The master alone is fully serious. "Utter rubbish! That thing's daughter's not
worth a second look. Comes barging in here to take me to task in my own home. Insolent cow!" Just as heworks himself into a stew, three or four voices call out anew from the fence line. "Wa ha ha ha ha ha!""Arrogant clod!" yells one. "Must be wanting a bigger house!" yells another. "Poor thing - all bark and nobite!" yells a third. The master, not to be outdone, bellows back from the veranda. "Stuff it! And get awayfrom my fence!" "Wa ha ha ha ha ha! Savage tea! Savage tea!" The voices throw it back at him. The
master jumps to his feet, indignant with anger, grabs his walking stick, and rushes out to the road. Meitei
claps his hands. "That's the spirit! Go get 'em!" he yells. Kangetsu floats a grin as he twists his haori ties. I
follow the master out through the break in the fence, only to find him alone in the middle of the road,brandishing his stick at no one. Not a soul's in sight. The master stands befuddled.

12ōI am a Cat – Chapter 3b – S seki Project