IT’S
NOT
THAT
GREY

How to identify
the grey area —a practical guide forthe twilight zone ofsexual harassment

1About Period.

Period. is an intersectional feminist
network based in Brussels.
We practice intersectional feminismand solidarity by offering andgathering tools for and by
women* to directly contributeto change in society.
@periodbrussels@period_brussels

www.periodbrussels.eu

About the authors

Sara Hassan is a communication expert who worked for theEuropean Parliament until recently. Starting her career as a journalist
and activist in several human rights NGOs, she is now producer
and co-host of the feminist women* of colour podcast “Vocal aboutit” and is active on a range of subjects on Twitter @sarahas_san.
Juliette Sanchez-Lambert is a feminist unicorn who cares abouthuman rights for all. She deals with her anger at this patriarchal
world by building empowering workshops and trainings — andalso by writing this guide. She tweets too @JSanchezLambert.

Trigger warning: This guide contains graphic stories ofsexual harassment, especially from page 20 to 35.

ThanksWe want to thank the following incredible people for dedicatingtime and energy to making this guide possible.
Our wonderful Period orga crew: Inge Chen, Anna Gröschl,
Milena Horn, Katharina Steinwendtner, Laura Krenzke-Wohlfart.
Our wonderful advisory board: Marlene Straub, Margot Lammers,
Sarah Diedro, Kat Carson, Josefa Niedermaier, Stefan Hechl,
Lukas Daniel Klausner, Shannon Leoni, Isabella Chen, AthenaEnderstein, Tessy Vanderhaeghe, Juliana Teoh, Carrie Hou.
The wonderful MEP Terry Reintke for her support.
Our wonderful designer: Claire Allard · klar.graphics.

© 2019 This work is licensed under the Creative Commons
Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
To view a copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/4.0/

IT’S
NOT
THAT
GREY

How to identify
the grey area —a practical guide forthe twilight zone ofsexual harassment

3Foreword by Terry Reintke

There is one thing that cannot be stressed enough:#metoo is not about sex. It is about power. It is about
the power relations in our societies. Silence breakers
disclosed the habitual conduct of people in power. They
are evidence for the fact that we have yet failed to makethe necessary power shifts for a more equal society.
For me one thing is central in the so-called aftermath of
the #metoo debates: we will not give in and be silenced
again. Typical strategies of sitting it out waiting for it toblow over, which we have seen so often in the past years
in relation to feminist struggles, will not succeed this time.
This publication is a bright example of exactly that: wewill not stop. We will stand up for each other; empowereach other in the fight for fundamental rights for all.
I have seen change happening. I met women* whohave set up their red flag system, who clearly uphold
their personal boundaries. People that came up to me
after events and told me: “Growing up I just thought
this was normal. The #metoo debate has changed
that. It is not normal and I am standing up for this.”This is not to say we are there yet.
It has only been a crack in the basement of ourpatriarchal societies. But I feel that this basement
keeps on trembling. This is not over yet. And women*
networks like Period., activists like Sara Hassan andJuliette Sanchez-Lambert — they make sure that thequake will not die away without having achieved realchange. I am tremendously thankful for the work thathas been done with this publication. As the authors say:“it is not our responsibility to end harassment. What we
can do is empower ourselves to trust our instincts.”
I hope it reaches, touches and empowers
many of you out there, as it did me.
For us, this debate is a work-in-progress. We want tostart it to become more aware, to discuss somethingwhich has been in the dark for too long. There are no
definite answers, but first ideas and recommendations.
They are meant to empower all of us to learn.
If you want to be part of this discussion, send us
your feedback: terry.reintke@ep.europa.eu.

How to use
this guide

PAGE 18

PAGE 10The Red
Flag
System:build yourpersonal
alert
systemPAGE 43

PAGE 11

PAGE 6

Table of contents

Why thisguide?

Real-life
examplesexercises

Changethe world

5

conclusion

PAGE 7 1

PAGE 68

tools

end
notes

Why this guide?

We live in a world where the vast majority of women* willbe the target of harassment, sexual assault or rape atsome point in their lives. However, women* are not given
the right tools and education to protect themselves andnavigate this world, where patriarchy and sexism rule.
Women* are taught from a young age that they must assimilate. They
are taught to be nice and to smile, to endure things that should neverbe endured, to shut up, to always assume good intentions, to always
say yes. Whenever we do dare to speak up, we are told that we’re
exaggerating and that it isn’t that bad; that we are making stuff up.
Our stories are not believed and our experiences are notconsidered valid. The culture of silence prevents us from seeing
real risks; normalises or dismisses behaviour that violates ourboundaries, gaslights† our own discomfort in this and prevents
us from saying “no” or being heard when we do so.
We, the women* of Period., have not met any woman* who
did not have a story of sexual harassment. If it was not theirown story, it was the story of a friend, colleague, or relative who
was harassed by a friend, partner, colleague or acquaintance.
When we realised that we were not the only ones who have gone
through these situations, we knew that something had to be done.
We decided to educate ourselves on the topic. In the three years
since our network was created, we have trained several hundredsof women*. We have provided safe spaces to share our stories andcreated workshops where we developed strategies against sexual
harassment. But we did not only compile these stories; they arealso our very own. We have experienced a lot of them ourselves
and wanted to help others by sharing what we’ve been through.
In the wake of #metoo, the stories we heard in the media came toecho our own. We have mainly heard stories about white middleclass women*, while the voices of trans, queer, disabled andwomen* of colour have often gone unheard — even though theseintersections can make people particularly vulnerable and exposed.
In understanding how harassers find their targets, it is crucial to talkabout vulnerabilities. The women* living in the margins of our societies
are often unheard because they may not be able to afford coming† Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, where someone
withholds information or gives false information to someone, inorder to make them confused and doubt their own sense of reality.

6

forward with their stories. They may be afraid of retaliation in the formof economic restrictions like losing their jobs, or physical sanctions suchas the fear of even more abuse. We must talk about the unheard.

“ Sexual assault is about the abuse of power. It
is always women* who are marginalised, it is
the young, it is the intern, it is the immigrant,
it is the trans. They are always most at risk,
because society listens to them the least.”
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
We could see that our stories were not isolated but in fact part of amuch bigger, systematic and structural problem, so we started tolook into these stories more closely. We wrote them down and foundthat these stories are not so unique. They follow patterns. But often,
the public only recognises very blatant and explicit instances ofharassment, such as the “hand on the arse” with which articles about
sexual harassment are usually illustrated. We’re taught: this is whatharassment looks like. The problem is that if we only keep our eyes open
for this blatant “hand on the arse" we don’t see all the other moments.
Sexual harassment doesn’t only start when it is publicly visible.
It can begin seemingly harmlessly — if you look at the steps inisolation — and then escalates further. It is important not to look at
the behaviour in a vacuum, but to take various factors into account.
Harassment is always on a spectrum and builds up over time. Within
this, there are escalation levels that can begin inconspicuously, but
create a dynamic in which more and more violations are possible. For
example, if a harasser is not reprimanded for a suggestive remark,they will feel secure and entitled enough to venture to the next
advance. The logic is that if the harasser succeeds at level one, they
will advance further, break more and more space and further intrude
into the target’s personal space. The higher these escalation levels are,the more difficult it is to break out of this system. This is so insidiousthat affected people are led to believe they entered this voluntarily,
while in reality, they did not consent to what often only turns out
much later as the real intention of the perpetrator. It is part of theperpetrators’ strategy to pretend that their target played along.
* anyone who identifies as a woman

7However this is not the case as pressure and/or conditionsof dependency are at play which are made invisible by theperpetrators’ continual violation of boundaries disguised as a"game". The affected ones do not have the choice to exit this systemand say no without fearing severe repercussions. By pretending
and making the affected person believe that they willingly taken
part in the first stage, the perpetrators make it extremely difficult
for the target to step out of this system. We need to understandthat these steps are connected to detect harassment as it unfolds.

We developed the Red Flag System to help you
identify early instances of sexual harassment
and regain trust in your own judgement.
The Red Flag System helps you pay close attention to yourpersonal boundaries and your right to hold them, and to
identify when they are being crossed. This system is here toprovide you with tools that enable you to recognise behaviours
and environments that lead to abuse of power early on andto acknowledge the feelings you have about them.
There is a common feeling and knowledge about what harassment
looks like that remains unspoken. We know the gut tension we
have when someone is too close to us, freezing up when someone
who should not touch us does, the feeling of being pushed into
a corner, the feeling of helplessness when someone we trust
suddenly wants something completely different from us. When
we have information about harassment and know about the logic
and effects that many others experience, we can recognise thosesituations and distance ourselves earlier. We want to share andspread this knowledge, to make up a sort of common culture— one that is usually not represented in mainstream discourse.
The result of our research is what you are holding in your hands
now: a guide filled with our collection of knowledge from people
affected by harassment, which is so often made invisible. This is
the kind of knowledge that will serve you and your sisters; thekind of knowledge that can help us to create change. Let’s beclear: the responsibility to end harassment does not lie in ourhands. Perpetrators and a society that allows this to happen are
responsible when it comes to ending harassment. It is completely
unfair that we as potential targets are supposed to undertake
additional educational and emotional labor so that we can protect
ourselves better. However, we also cannot wait idly until those
who benefit from a sexist system finally decide to stand up for8those who are oppressed by it. We will not overcome the patriarchy
with a single blow, we must attack it from many different directions
and develop many strategies. What we can do is to empower
ourselves to trust our instincts and step up for ourselves and others.
This guide is written from a non-male perspective, because
Period. is a network for everybody who identifies as woman*.
The stories we heard, which have widely informed this guide, werestories of women* harassed by men. However, we want to stressthat everyone can be a perpetrator, regardless of their gender or
identity. Anyone can be a target. And while empowering those
who experience harassment is one key to stopping it, change
will not happen without holding perpetrators accountable for
their actions, and with the involvement of bystanders†.
Finally, this guide is for everyone. It is for those of us who haveexperienced harassment and for those who have not. It is for those
who have witnessed harassment, and those who do not reallyknow what harassment looks like. It is for those who want to know
about the mechanisms of harassment, and those who want tools
for a specific action plan. We believe this guide contains public
interest knowledge and should be put in everyone’s hands.
Now go ahead and dive into the guide! Go through the exercises,
practice using the tools and adapt them to your situation.
And most importantly: talk about it. Share it with your friend,
your colleague, your sister, your mom, or anyone you feelcan benefit from this information. Every person who starts
trusting themselves and their judgement, and stands up forthemselves and others, is one more blow to the patriarchy.

Remember — we are in this together.
This is just the beginning. All the stories you read here weredeliberately and proactively brought to us by friends or throughworkshops at our women*’s network. We refrained fromapproaching people and asking them about their stories, asthese are highly sensitive issues and can cause retraumatisation.
We want to foster a community-based online project in which
we accumulate more and more common knowledge andincorporate new case studies that go beyond our previous
experience and analysis. Join us on periodbrussels.eu!

† people who are witnessing harassment

9How to use this guide

Each part of this guide makes sense on its own. That is, you canread each part as you wish, in any direction you like. Whether you
have a lot of knowledge about the issue or whether you are new
to this, this guide is for you. You can read it from cover to cover,you can quickly flip through it, look up some deeper knowledge,
then come back to where you were… whatever works for you!
Do you want to…

—— Learn how to build your Red Flag System,a reliable alert system to detect harassment?
GO TO PAGE 15—— Practice your alert system with four real-life stories
and apply your own red flags to them?
GO TO PAGE 18—— Compare your red flags with an already establishedlist to get an idea of what is not acceptable?
GO TO PAGE 36—— Have a list of all the red flags you should look out for?
GO TO PAGE 36—— Find specific ways to speak up against harassment?
GO TO PAGE 43—— Know how to be an active bystander
and support people around you?
GO TO PAGE 52—— Learn more about the ingrained images and narratives

about sexual harassment that are prevalent in our society,or how people can make you vulnerable and exploit yourvulnerabilities?
LOOK IT UP ON PAGE 59

10

The
Red Flag
System:Build your personalalert system

11" The greyzone"

I was justmaking a joke

It was amisunderstanding

Everyone else
Here thinks
it’s funny
We can’t flirt
anymore without
being accusedof sexual
harassment

You haveno senseof humourSound familiar? Allegedly, it is not possible to draw the lines
between flirting and harassment, between love and abuse.
People affected by harassment are told to remain silent, tobrush it off, to play along, to deny their feelings when they
feel uncomfortable, humiliated or afraid. If we are told to
do so and we don’t, we face intense criticism for “making
a scene” or we are labelled as frigid killjoys who can’t takea compliment. Part of the perfidious logic is this: if we feel
uncomfortable with it, it is our fault. Because we must havedone something wrong, interpreted something wrong or
somehow even invited the overstepping of our personalboundaries. This logic is so prevalent that when society does
not remind us, we do it ourselves since we have internalised it.
The grey zone is only grey because harassers pushboundaries without being concerned about or asking if theother person is fine with it. As we are socialised to relativise
our experiences, to silence ourselves, to find excuses for theperpetrator and to treat our own feelings with suspicion, it
can take a lot of time to recognise when someone has gone
too far. It is even harder to say something when we are toldthat things are “supposed” to be unclear and blurry or blame
us for these transgressions instead of the perpetrators. In
this context, it can take a very long time until we can finallysay without doubt: this is too much, this is harassment.
Many of us don’t even get to this point because wehave normalised constant aggressions, because we feel there
is too much at stake, or or because we are blurred for pasttransgressions have reduced our ability to identify them now.
The concept of the grey zone is used to cover up
harassment. Everything that happens in the grey zone
can be a matter of misunderstanding, a joke, a game, anallegedly incidental touch. Harassers get away with theirabuse of power because they know their behaviours will
not be questioned, whether by us or by the patriarchal
society we live in. Things can only be called blurry when
our feelings about the actions are completely disregarded.

12

“Flirting feels good. Sexual harassment does not.”1
By writing this guide, we want our sisters to claim the rightto feel good in their lives. To start valuing and respecting ourboundaries. To relearn to connect with our inner sense of whensomebody crosses a line, and to learn to identify harassment.
We do not think it is our responsibility to end harassment. But webelieve that with the right knowledge, the grey zone is not thatgrey after all. Change starts with our knowledge and empowerment.
It’s about time we deconstruct the grey zone.

Can’t we do something early on?

Sexual harassment often builds up over a long time before it
manifests and becomes visible. Most legal systems do not (yet)acknowledge the many shapes and nuances of harassment, ignoringa multilayered reality in which it can be difficult to understandwhen harassment started to occur and what can be consideredharassment. They are based on the binary definitions of right andwrong — and a culture of disbelieving and blaming those whoare affected. Victims are blamed for harassment because of their
behaviour or the clothes they wear, while perpetrators are forgiven
because they “did not know they were doing harm”. Today’s concepts
and judgments used to consider harassment are not accurate. Theyleave survivors thinking that they were hallucinating or exaggerating,and diminish the importance of what they were experiencing,while our judgment is exactly what we have to pay attention to.
Sexual harassment does not exist from the moment it is “officially”
recognised by an employer, a court or the media. It doesn’t need
to be perceived and confirmed by the outside world to be real.
It starts to exist from the moment the harasser is violating theboundaries of the one they decide to harass. All these patriarchal
mechanisms perturb our internal barometer and interfere withthe sense of what we are ok with. The harassing behaviour asmuch as the discourse around it forces us to develop a higher
tolerance towards things we shouldn’t tolerate in the first place.

Disclaimer: The term "survivor" comes from the discourse on
sexual violence, in contrast to the term "victim". But we respect
everyone's choice to self-identify as either, both or something else.
13Harassment doesn’t come out of the blue, it gradually develops
and is made of a constellation of factors. The boundary crossingsbuild on each other and create a system of their own between
target and perpetrator. The ones affected by harassment are often
unable to claim back their boundaries without having to fear muchand transgress many conventions. When we say that harassment
works along a continuum, this means that harassment begins
seemingly harmlessly. It develops along escalation stages.

—— Those escalation levels can be very close to each other, with eachstep enabling the subsequent one. If the harasser can get awaywith the first step, they will move on to the next, and the next after
that, and so on. For example, if a harasser realises that they can
get away with a very sexual comment, they might feel entitledand safe enough to send explicit pictures as the following step.

—— The further the escalation has gone,

the harder it is to step out of this system.

—— If you look at the steps separately you might see “just” a joke,

a compliment, an allegedly casual touch, an “unconventional”
text, a boss going out alone with their intern. But whengrouped together, you can clearly see harassment.

Often we do not notice until much later when aboundary is crossed. When we take a step back, we
see that it has been building up for a long time.
So isn’t there anything we can do before the damage
has been done, before we feel cornered, isolated andunable to reach out to anyone? Do we really haveto wait until it feels unbearable to speak up?
Once we redirect all the elements — guilt, shame,
responsibilities, power positions and vulnerable positions —where they belong, the grey zone isn’t that grey after all.
We all do have this internal barometer that can help us navigate
through situations that leave room for interpretation. Once we
pay active attention and reconnect with our internal barometer,
we will realise that we do have a very good sense of what is
appropriate and what is not, what we are welcoming andactively consenting to and what is crossing our boundaries.
At that same moment we, the authors, recognise that nobody
ever told us how sexual harassment develops and how to identify
the early warning signs. So we decided to do it ourselves.
14

The Red Flag
SystemThousands of years of patriarchy have kept
us away from the knowledge we need tosurvive in this world. The binary representationof sexual harassment and the concept of
the grey zone prevent us from building an
accurate alert system, one that will help
us keep ourselves and our sisters safe.
Your personal boundaries are the basis for yourpersonal alert system: where you can naturally
detect what makes you feel uncomfortable andwhat you define as (in)appropriate. Detecting
instances where you feel uneasy, learning to
acknowledge them (and address these rightaway) is only one way to identify and fightharassment. We talk more about how to
own these perceptions and build on them inour "change the world" section (page 43).
Of course, every person’s boundaries are uniqueand not up for discussion — they are crossed
whenever you feel they are and when you decidethat something was too much for your taste. But
as we were reviewing dozens of stories of sexual
harassment from our friends, from our peers
at Period. workshops and from the media, we
also realised that they all had very clear patterns.
When we are aware of these systematic
patterns, it is less likely that we assign the
responsibility within ourselves. As soon as weunderstand that it’s not an individual matterand that others feel similarly in these kinds ofsituations, it is easier to trust our judgement.
In other words, it is easier to understandwhat is really happening and to get help.

15

We have condensed these patterns into an
actionable tool: the Red Flag System.
Each red flag can fall in one of the categories below:

Environmental factors:

Sexual harassment can take place anywhere,
but people are at higher risk of being harassed inplaces with strong power dynamics, dependencies
or an unchallenged sexist culture.

The Good Guy Syndrome:“This guy would never do such a thing”. When
we highlight someone’s great reputation or
popularity, making it harder to question their
behaviour. This is especially a red flag if others
are using reputation to brush off the possibility
that someone might be harassing someone else.

Common harassment techniques:Starting with a compliment, playing “hot andcold”, singling out, being made to feel special,isolating the target, the list goes on. All of these
are what we consider “classic techniques”
used by harassers to build up harassment.

Our behaviours:

From trying to convince yourself that nothingis going on (even though you have that gut
feeling that something is off) to freezing
when faced with a certain behaviour, thesecan be signs that something is wrong.

16Some of the red flags we list in this guide are notindividually problematic per se. Assaulting someoneis always problematic, but complimenting someone
is not necessarily so. Whether one single red flag may
be a first indicator depends on the circumstances. A
compliment is not just harmless fun and games assoon as there are power dynamics at play. Is the one
giving the compliment clearly overstepping theirrole, e.g. your doctor? Your boss? Your teacher? Thenthe whole picture looks pretty different. Can you
distance yourself or refuse the compliment without
fear of repercussion? No? Then it’s a red flag.
It is important to take several factors into accountin order to have a well-functioning alert system.
Having only one red flag sets the bar very high andmight mean that your alert system reacts too late.
If you tell yourself “it’s not so bad until they do thisdespicable thing”, you risk overlooking the levels of
escalation making it harder to reach out and exit.
Once you start building your Red Flag System, it will
be easier for you to take a step back, zoom out of thesituation and take time to look at what is happening.
The more often we practice it, the easier we will find it
to grasp the feeling that something is wrong; to detectproblematic behaviour when it evolves. You can decide
whether you feel ok or not about what is happening. It
will be up to you to decide where to put your boundaries,
as opposed to others deciding them for you.

Disclaimer: Harassment stems from the harasser’s determination
to exert control over their targets. We cannot change
anything about this determination. Therefore, self-protection
is limited, even with very strong and elaborate boundaries.
What these strong boundaries can indeed help with is:

1. Not falling into a guilt trap where we blame ourselves.
2. Acknowledging valid and accurate feelings
that are key in identifying harassment.

3. Reaching out and finding help.
17

Real-life
examplesExercises
Now that you know about the
Red Flag System, you can practiceit. In this part you will find reallife stories of harassment.
Trigger warning: This section
contains graphic description ofsexual harassment and abuse.

18

There are two versions: a blank version, where you canplace your own red flags, as well as our version withwhat we — participants of Period* workshops, others
who told us about their stories, and ourselves — see as
red flags. You can compare them to get a glimpse of thecollective sentiment to empower your judgement.
The myths we are fed since childhood have a direct
impact on the affected persons’ and bystanders’ ability
to identify and respond to harassment. In order tomake most of the stories, check "busting the myths"
in the chapter “change the world” (page 59).
The stories don’t have an end. That’s because wewant you to practice identifying harassment in
its early stages. In the "change the world" section(page 43) we have prepared suggestions for you.

wreck this guide: when reading the following
stories, you can get really interactive.
Each story comes in two versions:—— A blank version with space to underline, takenotes, draw... — all kinds of creative outlets.

—— Our version with red flags that you can comparewith your own. Our red flags are coded with
underlinings:
Environmental factors
The Good Guy Syndrome
Common harassment techniques
Our behaviours

Disclaimer: Each and every story is based on anonymised
real experiences, which we have permission to share.
They document either something that happened
to ourselves, our friends or another individual.

19	Yournotes

The professor.
I started my Master’s degree and had arenowned, very old professor. He was the mostadmired professor of our faculty. Students
loved him, since he was witty and on a mission
to make his students academic stars.
He immediately liked me and praised me for myintellect. He invited me to book presentations
and introduced me as one of his most promisingand talented students. I interviewed him for myblog and when I sent him the link, he commented
that my current profile picture was particularly
attractive. In class, he always slightly touched his
pants just beneath his belt every time I was talking,as if by chance . I convinced myself these instanceswere minor, harmless, and I was probably making
a big deal out of nothing, so I pushed it aside.
He took me to conferences where he always
showed me off. He gave me a present
for my birthday and offered to take meto the theatre. I politely declined, but hecontinued with his strange behaviour.
When we were sitting in the back at a crowded
conference, he squeezed himself into a seat next
to me and casually put his hand on my knee.
He used to tell me “you’re so brilliant, you absolutely
need someone to make this talent visible andI’ll support you in doing so.” He convinced me tosubmit papers to conferences. He also suggested
I proofread a text for him, which ended up with me

20	Yournotes
writing an anthology for him. Of course,
I didn’t get paid for my work. The prestige
and his renowned name had to do the job: hestressed the fact that this would be the currency
in the scientific community and on my CV. The
competition at the university was brutal. Without
a professor rooting for you, you’d be pretty muchlost. I was very well aware of that. And I did knowthat just as quickly as a professor could push you
to the top, he could push you deep down again.
At a conference, at the end of the day, he got
incredibly drunk to the point that he needed
assistance finding his way back to his hotel room.
I even had to enter the card for the room. Whenwe were inside and I just wanted to leave, he came
towards me and asked if “we shouldn’t try it”.

Write your own ending: decide how the story ends.
21

ouranalysisgood reputation/social prestige
Inequalities

The professor.
I started my Master’s degree and had arenowned, very old professor. He was the mostadmired professor of our faculty. Students
loved him, since he was witty and on a mission
to make his students academic stars.
He immediately liked me and praised me for myintellect. He invited me to book presentations

The pedestal
Blurring
the lines

and introduced me as one of his most promisingand talented students. I interviewed him for myblog and when I sent him the link, he commented
that my current profile picture was particularly

Sexualbehaviour

attractive. In class, he always slightly touched his

Selfconvincing

as if by chance . I convinced myself these instances

pants just beneath his belt every time I was talking,were minor, harmless, and I was probably making
a big deal out of nothing, so I pushed it aside.
He took me to conferences where he always

favouritism

showed me off. He gave me a present

Blurring
the lines

for my birthday and offered to take me

Not taking nofor an answer

to the theatre. I politely declined, but hecontinued with his strange behaviour.
When we were sitting in the back at a crowded
conference, he squeezed himself into a seat next

Unwanted
physical contact to me and casually put his hand on my knee.

He used to tell me “you’re so brilliant, you absolutely
need someone to make this talent visible andI’ll support you in doing so.” He convinced me tosubmit papers to conferences. He also suggested
I proofread a text for him, which ended up with me
writing an anthology for him. Of course,22

our	analysis
I didn’t get paid for my work. The prestige
and his renowned name had to do the job: hestressed the fact that this would be the currency
in the scientific community and on my CV. The
competition at the university was brutal. Without
a professor rooting for you, you’d be pretty muchlost. I was very well aware of that. And I did know

Inequalities
Toxic
environmentthat just as quickly as a professor could push you
to the top, he could push you deep down again.
At a conference, at the end of the day, he got
incredibly drunk to the point that he needed
assistance finding his way back to his hotel room.
I even had to enter the card for the room. Whenwe were inside and I just wanted to leave, he came

Invitation to a
private space

towards me and asked if “we shouldn’t try it”.

Sexual proposal

23	Yournotes

The colleague.
I got my first job offer straight after university. I’dworked before to pay for my studies, but this was
my first “real” job. My family was really proud ofme for getting this job, as they had gone to great
lengths to support me with my education. As thefirst generation in my family to attend university,
I wanted to let them see that the struggle waspaying off. I also needed a job urgently to get outof the constantly precarious situations I was inup until then. The company gave me a six monthprobationary period during which I still earned
little, but the prospect of employment and betterpay made me grit my teeth and carry on.
I was flattered and happy when my boss selected
me to be on his team and was impressed with mynew environment, a large organisation. My boss
meanwhile let the rest of the team know that hewanted to hire me, but it wasn’t an easy process
to run through the administration parcours. A
colleague of mine, a senior advisor, jumped inand took care of it. I was very grateful to him forgiving me this opportunity that would open doors
I wouldn’t even have dreamt of previously. My
colleague offered to mentor me and I was very keenon learning everything about this. He obviously
enjoyed spending time with me. I wanted to keep
focused on my work so I didn’t want anything to
distract me. He invited me to dinner and took me
for a beer, something that he would never do withany of the others in my team. At first, the othercolleagues were also invited, but somehow it always

24	Yournotes
ended with us being the only two there. On the one
hand I was a little proud of this special position, buton the other hand I never dared to say no if I actuallywanted to go home, because I owed him so much.
Little by little he moved from complimenting emails
regarding my work to sending me ambiguous text
messages virtually non-stop. For example he would
text me “#funfact I have handcuffs in my drawer :)”or “I wonder what you would do if you lost our
bet and I dared you to sit at your desk naked ;)”.
I couldn’t believe my eyes and was extremely
uncomfortable when I read that. I tried to avoid
talking about it, avoiding confrontation. I hoped theconversation would just move on to something else
eventually. He knew I had a boyfriend, so I dismissed
it as a casual dig, something that men simply do.
I tried to avoid all his invitations, but he would
reschedule right away until I ran out of excuses. One
evening he invited me to yet another beer with him.
It got late, I was drunk and just wanted to go home.
But every time I tried to call it a night, he would put
great effort into persuading me to have anotherdrink with him. I felt like I had provoked thissituation, because I hadn’t confronted him clearly.
It was already late and I wouldn’t be able to take thebus home. He was well aware of that and said: “You
can’t afford to take the taxi home anyway.” I couldn’t
refuse and so I stayed and became even more drunk.
Write your own ending: decide how the story ends.
25

ouranalysis

The colleague.
I got my first job offer straight after university. I’dworked before to pay for my studies, but this was
my first “real” job. My family was really proud ofme for getting this job, as they had gone to great
lengths to support me with my education. As thefirst generation in my family to attend university,
I wanted to let them see that the struggle waspaying off. I also needed a job urgently to get outof the constantly precarious situations I was inup until then. The company gave me a six monthInequalities

probationary period during which I still earned
little, but the prospect of employment and betterpay made me grit my teeth and carry on.
I was flattered and happy when my boss selected
me to be on his team and was impressed with my

The newbie

new environment, a large organisation. My boss
meanwhile let the rest of the team know that hewanted to hire me, but it wasn’t an easy process
to run through the administration parcours. A

Inequalities
the saviour

colleague of mine, a senior advisor, jumped inand took care of it. I was very grateful to him forgiving me this opportunity that would open doors
I wouldn’t even have dreamt of previously. My

the saviour
Selfconvincing
blurring
the lines
Favouritism

colleague offered to mentor me and I was very keenon learning everything about this. He obviously
enjoyed spending time with me. I wanted to keep
focused on my work so I didn’t want anything to
distract me. He invited me to dinner and took me
for a beer, something that he would never do withany of the others in my team. At first, the othercolleagues were also invited, but somehow it always

26

our
	analysis
ended with us being the only two there. On the one
hand I was a little proud of this special position, butpolite answers

on the other hand I never dared to say no if I actuallywanted to go home, because I owed him so much.

the reciprocity trap

Little by little he moved from complimenting emails
regarding my work to sending me ambiguous text
messages virtually non-stop. For example he would

Invitation to a
private space &blurring the lines

text me “#funfact I have handcuffs in my drawer :)”Acceleration

or “I wonder what you would do if you lost our
bet and I dared you to sit at your desk naked ;)”.

Sexual comments

I couldn’t believe my eyes and was extremely
uncomfortable when I read that. I tried to avoid
talking about it, avoiding confrontation. I hoped theSelfconvincing

conversation would just move on to something else
eventually. He knew I had a boyfriend, so I dismissed

auto-silencing

it as a casual dig, something that men simply do.
I tried to avoid all his invitations, but he would
reschedule right away until I ran out of excuses. One

Not taking nofor an answer

evening he invited me to yet another beer with him.
It got late, I was drunk and just wanted to go home.
But every time I tried to call it a night, he would put
great effort into persuading me to have anotherdrink with him. I felt like I had provoked thissituation, because I hadn’t confronted him clearly.
It was already late and I wouldn’t be able to take thebus home. He was well aware of that and said: “YouNot taking nofor an answer
Self-blame
They know what
they're doing

can’t afford to take the taxi home anyway.” I couldn’t
refuse and so I stayed and became even more drunk.

27

polite answers

	Yournotes

The friend.
We’d been best friends for years. He was aconsiderate guy, always kind, always listening,a quiet person, even a little shy. While I was in a
relationship, he would always point out how he
was involuntarily celibate. He used to complain
how women* were always just interested in thebad guys and would never give the good guys likehim a chance. One day, very abruptly, my girlfriend
broke up with me. I was devastated. My world wasturned upside down. I had to find a place to stay
so my best friend offered me his couch. For two
weeks, we used to have hour-long conversations
every day about my loss. I enjoyed these somuch and he showed empathy and patienceeven when we went through some feelings over
and over again. I felt truly grateful to have sucha kind and compassionate friend on my side.
But then, at the end of these two weeks, I did not
feel like staying at somebody else’s place anymore,
I wanted to have some space for myself. I started
looking for a small place but it wasn’t easy tofind something in my price category. I could still
feel how exhausted I was, which didn’t make thesearch any easier. I was stuck. Also, I had noticed
that something about my friend had changed.
Whenever I’d leave the house, he would ask where
I was going. He would accompany me on any of
my trips, which I thought was charming at first:
he wanted to come with me and help me or evenprotect me, since he had mentioned that the area
was a bit rough even though I had never noticed28	Yournotes
anything about it. He texted me 10 times a day tocheck how I was doing and was becoming a bit
jealous when I was meeting my other friends.
My friend started to joke about how the two of us
seemed like we’d been married for fifty years. Thenhe didn’t want me to sleep on the couch anymore
but share his bed with him. “Don’t be ridiculous”,
he’d say. “I have such a large bed and no girlfriend
sleeping in it right now anyway.” I didn’t want tobe weird and make a big deal about it because
we were obviously friends, right? Plus, I felt bad
denying my friend anything since he let me stayat his place and listened to everything I was going
through. So I reluctantly ended up sharing the
bed with him. One night I was feeling devastatedabout my breakup again. Suddenly he moved
really close and his face was just before mine.
He said “maybe your new person is already closer
to you than you think”. I was shell-shocked. The
voice in my head screamed “what the hell is goingon?!” when he leaned in to kiss me. This was when
I stopped him. He looked bewildered and said
“don’t you think that after we’ve been caring somuch about your needs, it’s my turn now?”

Write your own ending: decide how the story ends.
29

ouranalysis

The friend.
We’d been best friends for years. He was a

the friend zone

considerate guy, always kind, always listening,a quiet person, even a little shy. While I was in a
relationship, he would always point out how he

the friend zone

was involuntarily celibate. He used to complain
how women* were always just interested in thebad guys and would never give the good guys likethe friend zone

him a chance. One day, very abruptly, my girlfriend

Inequalities

turned upside down. I had to find a place to stay

broke up with me. I was devastated. My world was
so my best friend offered me his couch. For two

the saviour

weeks, we used to have hour-long conversations
every day about my loss. I enjoyed these somuch and he showed empathy and patienceeven when we went through some feelings over
and over again. I felt truly grateful to have sucha kind and compassionate friend on my side.
But then, at the end of these two weeks, I did not
feel like staying at somebody else’s place anymore,
I wanted to have some space for myself. I started
looking for a small place but it wasn’t easy toInequalities

find something in my price category. I could still
feel how exhausted I was, which didn’t make thesearch any easier. I was stuck. Also, I had noticed

gut feelingthat something about my friend had changed.

Not taking nofor an answer

Whenever I’d leave the house, he would ask where
I was going. He would accompany me on any of
my trips, which I thought was charming at first:
he wanted to come with me and help me or evenprotect me, since he had mentioned that the area

The newbie
30

was a bit rough even though I had never noticedour	analysis
anything about it. He texted me 10 times a day tocheck how I was doing and was becoming a bit

Acceleration

jealous when I was meeting my other friends.
My friend started to joke about how the two of us
seemed like we’d been married for fifty years. Thenhe didn’t want me to sleep on the couch anymore
but share his bed with him. “Don’t be ridiculous”,

blurring
the lines
Calling you
a killjoy

he’d say. “I have such a large bed and no girlfriend
sleeping in it right now anyway.” I didn’t want tobe weird and make a big deal about it because
we were obviously friends, right? Plus, I felt bad
denying my friend anything since he let me stayat his place and listened to everything I was going

The reciprocity
trapthrough. So I reluctantly ended up sharing the
bed with him. One night I was feeling devastatedabout my breakup again. Suddenly he moved
really close and his face was just before mine.

Unwanted
physical contact

He said “maybe your new person is already closer
to you than you think”. I was shell-shocked. The
voice in my head screamed “what the hell is goingon?!” when he leaned in to kiss me. This was when
I stopped him. He looked bewildered and said

the friend zone

“don’t you think that after we’ve been caring so

The reciprocity
trapmuch about your needs, it’s my turn now?”31	Yournotes

The doctor.
I am a woman* of colour who had just moved
to a new city. I needed a dental treatment quite
urgently but I didn’t know any dentist in my
new city. A colleague at work recommended
a dentist to me because he was nearby and“did the job”, so I booked an appointment.
When I went to the dental surgery, he was the only
one there. As he opened the door, I already felt
like he was looking at me insistently. He escorted
me to the treatment room. He explained thetreatment to me, and started to tell me a lot about
his personal life: where he was from, his family, hiswife, where they got married… at first I thought
he was trying to divert my attention from thetreatment and some eventual pain. But then hestarted to ask me very some personal questions:he asked about the ring I was wearing, whether
I was going to marry soon, who I was going tomarry... I felt like he was getting too close andinvading my privacy. But as he had told me all thesethings about himself, I felt I had to reciprocate.
After I thought it was finally over, he told me
I should come back two weeks later for thesecond part. I felt uncomfortable, but could not
really explain why. I was worried that I couldn’tchange doctors and go to another doctor withhalf the treatment done. I brushed off the odd
feeling, thinking that I was being too sensitive
because he was probably just trying to have afriendly chat. I booked the second appointment.

32	Yournotes
At the second appointment, he remembered
everything I had said about my boyfriend, myvision of marriage… He started to talk about roles
in marriage, how he wished he was young again
and at this stage in a relationship again. As he
was performing the treatment, I started to feel
sharp pain and I asked him to pause. He laughedand said “Oh come on, I thought women* like you
like it rough” and winked at me. I couldn’t believe
what I was hearing but couldn’t do anythingas he was continuing with the procedure.
Then, after he had finished, he started making
remarks — and giving me a rather gross look.
He gave me a mirror to look at the result andwhen he had handed it over, he started touching
my shoulders, as he said I was now “perfect fromthe outside and the inside”. The next second,
he had moved his hands up to my neck, andstarted massaging it, casually explaining that
he was just checking my muscle tension. I froze.

Write your own ending: decide how the story ends.
33

ouranalysis

The doctor.
I am a woman* of colour who had just moved
to a new city. I needed a dental treatment quite
urgently but I didn’t know any dentist in my

The newbie

new city. A colleague at work recommended
a dentist to me because he was nearby and“did the job”, so I booked an appointment.
When I went to the dental surgery, he was the only
one there. As he opened the door, I already felt

sexual look

like he was looking at me insistently. He escorted
me to the treatment room. He explained theblurring
the lines

treatment to me, and started to tell me a lot about
his personal life: where he was from, his family, hiswife, where they got married… at first I thought
he was trying to divert my attention from theblurring
the lines

treatment and some eventual pain. But then hestarted to ask me very some personal questions:he asked about the ring I was wearing, whether
I was going to marry soon, who I was going toblurring
the lines
the reciprocity
trapmarry... I felt like he was getting too close andinvading my privacy. But as he had told me all thesethings about himself, I felt I had to reciprocate.
After I thought it was finally over, he told me
I should come back two weeks later for thegut feelingsecond part. I felt uncomfortable, but could not
really explain why. I was worried that I couldn’tchange doctors and go to another doctor with

auto-silencing
self-convincing

half the treatment done. I brushed off the odd
feeling, thinking that I was being too sensitive
because he was probably just trying to have afriendly chat. I booked the second appointment.

34

our
	analysis
At the second appointment, he remembered
everything I had said about my boyfriend, myvision of marriage… He started to talk about roles
in marriage, how he wished he was young again
and at this stage in a relationship again. As he

the good
old times

was performing the treatment, I started to feel
sharp pain and I asked him to pause. He laughedand said “Oh come on, I thought women* like you
like it rough” and winked at me. I couldn’t believe
what I was hearing but couldn’t do anything

pretexting culturaldifference &Calling you
a killjoy

as he was continuing with the procedure.
Then, after he had finished, he started making
remarks — and giving me a rather gross look.
He gave me a mirror to look at the result andwhen he had handed it over, he started touching
my shoulders, as he said I was now “perfect fromthe outside and the inside”. The next second,
he had moved his hands up to my neck, andstarted massaging it, casually explaining that
he was just checking my muscle tension. I froze.

35

Unwanted
physical contact
Sexual comment
Unwanted
physical contact

Environmental factors

Red flags
glossary
Before you look at behaviours, take a stepback and check the environment you are in.

Inequalities

Economic inequality, drastic hierarchies, low income,an insecure job, age, depending on someone forsurvival (financially, for housing, for food), if someone
can “destroy your career anytime” — all thesedrastically affect your ability to react and act.

The newbie

As a newcomer, you can be in a vulnerable position because:—— You do not know the rules by which the system operates,
so you are willing to learn them and adapt as quickly as
possible. It makes it easy to those in power to make you
believe that whatever they want is how the game works.
And if you don’t play along, your position is at stake.
—— You want to prove yourself or you want to please others
and be liked, so you are willing to go the extra mile. Thisencourages thinking according to “whatever’s going
happen, I’m going to work through it”. This creates
an environment where you find yourself acceptingsome behaviours you may not accept otherwise.
—— You don’t know anyone. This lack of a support
system makes you additionally vulnerable.

Toxic environment

These are environments where it is difficult to speak out,
have different kinds of perspectives that are respected, or
challenge/question people’s behaviour. This can be becauseof a prevalent sexist culture or even high competition(people are more focused on their own success thanon checking up on their peers and show solidarity).
36

The good guy syndrome

When we talk about “the Good Guy
Syndrome”†, we mean how people
with a reputation of being particularly
nice can hide behind a smokescreen.
We know from reading hundreds ofstories that often harassers are people
who are trusted and valued in society.
This image has high credibility, andpeople like to believe it, which makes
it significantly more difficult to provethat this popular person is a harasser.

The friend zone

This is a dangerous and heteronormative
construct where allegedly nice guys feelthat they have the right to a girlfriend andsex because they have provided emotional
support or simply been “nice”. There is nosuch thing as a bank account where you makea deposit in the form of emotional support/
friendly services and can later expect to getsex out of it. This is a shady construct which
is trying to make sex a question of debt.

Good reputation/social prestige
A person everyone likes, who “would never dothat” because they have so many witnesses
for their nice behaviour, will always be seen
in a positive light. It is hard to associate apopular and well-liked person with horrible
actions, which makes it even more difficult
for the ones affected to speak up andconvince those around. This is even more a
red flag if others are using someone’s good
reputation to excuse their behaviour or rejectsomeone’s complaint against harassment.

† Even though we call it here "the Good Guy Syndrome",
this category of red flags can apply to all genders.

37Harassers’ actions

Here is a list of the common
harassment techniques we identified
while analysing stories of harassment.
They are not in a chronological orderand can be used simultaneously.

Starting with a complimentThis can be a classic method to pave the way forharassment. Even if it is not exactly appropriate or pleasant,you will find it harder to question someone’s behaviour ifthey seem to be “nice” to you. If you like the other person
and they are on the same level as you, you might enjoy
getting a compliment. But you do not want it from someone
who is in a position of power and compliments yourphysical appearance rather than your work, for example.

The pedestal

A common pattern among manipulative harassers is toelevate you to a high level at first. They may praise you
and show some extraordinary enthusiasm for your work
and/or personality. This enthusiasm binds you to theperson — especially when you’re new to an environment,
insecure, inexperienced, or don’t know many people.
This is meant to create emotional dependency: first theharasser makes sure you get used to this. They know
you will seek approval to feed your self-confidence.

Favouritism

When someone is making you "the special one" bydoing with you things they would not do with others,
for example going for drinks, inviting you and only you
to an event. This special position may seem attractive
at first, but the flipside of the coin is that this alienates
and isolates you from the rest of the group. It is a way
to single you out, making it harder for you to reach out.
It often leads to a guilt trap: while you feel flattered at
first, you may not dare to speak up when it starts tofeel uncomfortable, as you may be ashamed of having
enjoyed your status as “the special one” up until then.

The good old times

Referring to their own youth and their “wildexperiences” can be a way to lure you and put you
under pressure to share more private information.
38

The saviour

If someone is jumping in to “save” you or offer you something thatsounds too good to be true, it might not be genuine at all. We remember
another story in which a friend of ours received a job offer that didn’tsound like a job at all, more like everything she ever dreamt of, all at
once. She was thrilled at first but soon after she expressed her interest,
the dynamic switched and became more than fishy. The dream job
offer turned out to be a way to lure her into the sphere of influence ofsomeone who had completely different intentions. If you find yourself ina similar situation, keep your eyes open - there might be a trade-off.

Playing hot and cold

Being adorable with someone at one moment and absolutely horrible
in the next is a way to make people emotionally dependent. When yourbehaviour is praised in one moment and extremely belittled in the next,
a lot of confusion is created. In this state of insecurity, it is easier to exert
control over a person. Such behaviour generates a lot of psychologicalpressure and makes it difficult to classify as it is unpredictable.

Blurring the lines

This can be between friendship and relationship, or between professional
and private life. With blurred lines, it is more difficult to classify on
which terrain you are currently moving: is this still work-related or
actually already very private? Is this still buddy-like or already intimate
and not just friendly any more? These boundaries are increasingly anddeliberately shifted, for example in a work context, in companies thatlike to pretend to be a large family and that all their employees arefriends. This dynamic opens up more and more potential grey areas fora harasser. When the lines are blurred, it becomes more difficult to referto fixed rules such as codes of conduct that might keep you safe.

The reciprocity trap

You feel like you owe the person something because they havedone something for you. Because of this favour you may have a hardtime denying the person something — even though their favour
might be completely unrelated to what they want in return.

Invitation to a private space

Whether it’s their house/hotel room or switching the medium/
platform of communication (e.g. from formal email to a more casual/private messenger), this contributes to blurring the lines and taking theinteraction away from the public eye. In those more isolated spaces,
they feel unobserved and can exercise full control. Be aware that
this is often used against those who complain against harassment:“if she did not want it, why did she accept the invitation?”39

Acceleration

It seems that suddenly, somethingchanged. The dynamic is shifting, andthings are going so fast you cannot
recalibrate or put your finger on it.
You want to restore the previous state,
you put extra strain on yourself, butthat doesn't happen anymore. Whenthey start dragging you down, you
cannot let them go. This is because
you rely on them to lift you up again.

Not taking no foran answer

In healthy social relationships, people
should accept that when you say "no",it’s no. If your "no" is played down andthe person does it all the more, if they
become aggressive when you confront
them, if they put you under pressure
when you cancel on them, not letting
you get away but immediately
setting a new date, not giving you
any possible way out… it’s a red flag.

Pretexting culturaldifference

Harassers use "cultural differences"as an excuse when confronted about
inappropriate behaviour, with thepretext that their behaviour isnormal "where they come from".
This helps them to silence theother person, trivialising their
behaviour and allowing them tocontinue undisturbed. It can also
be expectations placed on youthat you are by default okay with abehaviour because of your culture,
origin or other identity factors (forexample: women of colour are
according to colonial exoticisation
myths supposed to “like it rough”).

40

Calling you a killjoy

That’s a way to silence yourresistance and deny you the rightto establish your boundaries.

They know what
they’re doing

When the person is not even trying
to hide that they are cornering
you or harassing you, and evensays it openly and/or makes
jokes about it, it's a red flag.

Sexual look/behaviour/
comment/proposal

If you are not explicitly consenting toa sexual look, behaviour, commentor proposal, if you have not asked forit, or if don’t have the possibility to
say “no” without repercussions, thenit’s definitely a red flag. Outside of aconsensual relationship of a sexual
nature, they are inappropriate. In our
research, we noticed these actions of asexual nature often seemed to emergeout of the blue or in very inappropriate
contexts (e.g. a text at work). Thisis also a way to create surprise andreduce your ability to say no.

Unwanted physicalcontact

The trivialisation of unwanted
physical contact and sexual violencealienates us from our bodies andour boundaries. But whether it's
somebody casually touching you
without your consent, assaulting
you or raping you, it is unacceptable(and generally illegal).

Your behaviours & reactions

The behaviours and/or reactions ofsomebody who is being harassed arenever the cause of harassment. We do
think however that the way you react
holds information. Your response toan unpleasant comment, behaviouror situation is your intuition trying
to alert you that something’s off. We haveinternalised victim blaming to a point that
we silence our reactions to something thatinterfere with our integrity and trivialise our
feelings. We want to take a close look atthese behaviours here and understand themas an indicator that there is a problem.

Self-convincing

This is a spectrum that ranges from brushing it off torefusing to believe it’s true, even if you know it to bea fact. Self-convincing can look like the following, or
start with one of these and then move on to another:—— You are brushing it off.
—— You are trying to convince yourself that yourharasser’s actions are harmless, incidental, orthat you are oversensitive, exaggerating, or evenmaking it up. In other words, you are putting a lotof emotional labour into making an uncomfortablesituation disappear from your mind.
—— You are internally bargaining with your own feelings.
—— You are denying how you feel.
—— You are making a great effort to excuse
the other person’s behaviour.

Gut feelingYour body can sometimes try to warn you that somethingis off. It can be in your stomach, your chest, or even an
inner voice talking to yourself. You can't do anything
wrong if you pay attention to what those signals
have to say to you. It can take time to recover thatcapacity, especially if you have survived harassment
or abuse. See page 47 for tips on how to do that.

41

Auto-silencing

When you are actively trying to silence yourself, andmaking sure no one knows about what is going on,then something’s probably going on. Stereotypes playa great role here. We want people to be interested in
us for who we are, not because of what we look likeor because they expect to get sexual favours from us.
Unfortunately, in a patriarchal world, we are yet to getthere: women of colour are assumed to want wild sex,
successful women “got there” because they slept withthe boss, if we are nice to a guy then we must have sex
with him... On one hand, we are blamed for this; on theother hand, this is automatically assumed. So there is no
way out: in all cases, we do it wrong. Gender stereotypes
label us as unworthy and take away our legitimacy tobe here, to stand up for ourselves and to speak out.

Polite answers

You may answer politely because you do not wantto hurt their feelings. By avoiding confrontation andmanoeuvering around the problem, you hope tomake it go away. Because we have been socialised
to suspect good intentions, and often feel obliged
to respond to such behaviour, we often swallow theinitial feeling that that’s not really appropriate.

Self-blame

Remember: unless you explicitly asked for it, you did
not. If you find yourself pointing to your responsibility
for something someone is doing to you, it’s a red flag.

Freezing

This is your brain protecting you against severe
psychological and/or physical harm, especiallywhen it comes to situations of unwanted physicalattention or when you’re caught off-guard. It is a very
common reaction and there is no reason to feel bador guilty about it. Just be aware that such reaction
very likely indicates something is going on2.

42

Change
the world
Tools

43

This is the practical part of the guide.
Here we introduce strategies thathave worked for us and people inour network in the past. They arecontextual, so they may or may
not work for you. But the more youpractice, the more you will knowwhat you can do, where and how.
Do not worry if it doesn’t work forthe first time. From building yourboundaries to counter-speech, it’sa long way to go and it works best
if you have people around to makeyou feel supported and empowered.

Yourself

BREAK THE SILENCE, NO. 1:

Changethe world
Remember: there is no ONE solution to tackle andend harassment. It’s a complicated matter and has
to be targeted from various directions with diverse
strategies. It’s a matter that concerns us all.
When we have various allies — human resources,
colleagues, friends — and different approaches,
our chances of ending this are much higher.
But we can’t stress this enough: we are socialised to not respect
our boundaries, blame ourselves, not trust our judgement, and getalong — all this in order to not “make a scene” and please others. It
takes a long way to get those patterns out of our minds, as they wereplanted deep in our brains. As you’re reading this, you’ve alreadycome a long way. You’re already at the starting point. And yet: it’s one
thing to know it, but it’s a different thing altogether to practice it.
The very first step is to acknowledge that this isn’t justin your head. This is happening. This is real. Breaking thesilence starts with recognising your own experiences andthose of other people around you as being valid.

First things first: consent

A few words about consent:—— You did not ask for something unless you
literally, explicitly asked for it.
—— Consenting to A does not mean you automatically consent to X.
—— You can withdraw your consent at any time: because
your boundaries are fluid, because what felt like a
good idea initially suddenly looks like a bad one,or simply because you changed your mind.
—— Consent should be enthusiastic.
—— You cannot consent if you are under pressure, drunk, unconscious.
44

Two resources
we recommend on consent:“Would you like some tea?”e "Tea Consent"
Have a look at ths3
because it explain
video : we like it
s
rm
te
ple
consent in very sim

Learning good consent
by Cindy CRabb"There is no one definition ofconsent. Defining consent is apersonal process, as you think
about the situations you don't
ever want to be in again"

Check your boundaries

Do you find yourself saying “yes” automatically to things that you don’t
actually want to do? Do you say “yes” out of politeness, or becauseof a lack of an alternative option? Because we do. We do that somuch that we get to a point where we are not even sure what weare, or are not okay with, what we want and what we do not want.
To counter this, you can start by observing yourself.
Think about social interactions where:—— You felt uneasy, uncomfortable when wanting to say “yes” or “no”.
—— You said “yes” when deep down you wanted to say “no”.
—— You did not say “no”, even though you wanted to.
—— You said “no” and it felt good.
—— You said “yes” and it felt good.
Start a “boundaries journal” to keep track of your observations. You
will get to know your boundaries and learn to reconnect with yourinner sense of what you are okay or not okay with. With time it can help
you notice much earlier what you feel about certain interactions andto be able to consent enthusiastically — or on the contrary, say “no”.
45

Boundaries do not have to be built in reaction
to what others do. It is healthy to decide foryourself, and you have the power to do so. Hereare some questions to guide your reflection:—— How would you like your boundaries
to look like to others?
—— What would you feel comfortable with?
—— Would you like your boundaries to be walls, ditches,
hedges, fences through which you can see, butwhich clearly say that here begins your territory?
—— Would you like to have metre-high fences between
you and others, or a simple line in the sand? Is
this different with different people in your life?
—— Imagine what it would feel like to say no/yes.
How much space would it create for you?

How
would youlike yourboundaries
to be?

Building and respecting your boundaries is a process
and a matter of practice. If this feel like too muchto you, you can start with smaller steps:—— Say "no" to something where the stakes are low.
—— Put the distance you feel comfortable with
one person at a time.
—— Pay attention to how people react.
—— Once you have figured out what kind of boundary/fence/wall/line in the sand you'd feel comfortable with, apply
them in real life by acting according to the distance yourboundary puts between you and the other person.

Remember: You have all the rights to have different

boundaries from other people. For instance, somepeople like to give hugs, others don’t. If someone forces
you to give them a hug, that would be a breach ofyour boundary and you have every right to refuse.

tip: Check your boundaries in private andprofessional contexts.
You can have different standards in your private and in yourworking life. That’s okay and appropriate. You might feel coolwith something in your private life that is a breach of yourintegrity in a work context. For example, you might be a touchyfeely person with your friends, but do not want to — and should
not — be touched at work. When these spheres merge, it
can create insecurity. It’s your workplace. It’s not your private
sphere. It’s not free of hierarchies and power dynamics.
You can’t simply walk away from it. Be aware of this dynamic.

46

Trust your judgement

Your own perception of a situation is often dismissed, but it can bea powerful source of information. Your intuition is a combinationof experiences you have had in the world and your knowledge
about yourself, your personal space and when your integrity isviolated or in danger of being violated. This is a powerful tool.
Respect it. Trust your gut. Remember: nobody knows you better
than yourself. You are the highest authority on yourself.
When you feel that something is odd – well, it most likely is. Pay
attention to what your body tells you: it could be a knot in your stomach,an inner pressure, an overall tension or a general sense of discomfort.
Learn the ways your body alerts you when something is going on.
It can take time to recover that capacity, especially for thoseof us who have survived harassment, manipulation, abuse orassault and/or have mental health issues. It’s important to bekind to yourself when practising connecting with your intuition,and if possible work on it within the framework of therapy or
psychosocial support. You do not have to go through this alone.

Tip: Whenever our body sends us an alert, we tend to rush

into rationalising and over-analysing in order to make thefeeling go away. Pay attention to when you are doing that andremember that you are allowed to pause for a moment before
you decide or react. Tell the person you will think about their
proposition. Take a break. Give your feelings room to breathe.
Give this voice inside of you some space in order to hear what
it has to say. It might tell you that things are fucked up.

Build your own alert system

In this guide, we presented our very own Red Flag System, whichis composed of environmental factors, the harassers’ behaviours(“Good Guy Syndrome” or “classic techniques” red flags) or ourown reactions which give us an indication that something is goingon (the “your reactions” red flags — see page 41). These can help you
to gain an understanding of how harassment builds up over time.
They can be a basis for building your very own Red Flag System; one thattakes into account external factors as well as internal ones. To scan yourenvironment, you can start by asking yourself the following questions:who feels powerful in my surrounding and why? Who feels powerless
and why? Which factors make it easy for harassers to get away withanything? Who are the ones who can easily become targets? What are
the conditions that escalate harassing behaviour? Is a situation where
you set a red flag a one time thing? Or does it keep building up?
47

As an extension to a boundaries journal, start a red flag journal.
This is a tool to keep track of a specific situation or interaction
with others. When someone crosses a line or simply makes you
feel uncomfortable, when you experience a subtle transgression
or ambiguity, mark it for yourself as a red flag. Take a mental
note, or even write it down, then see if something else comes
up. When you keep track of the red flags and have the patterns
on paper, it is easier to see them for what they are and to stop
doubting yourself. When you see the factors combined in black
and white and look at the entire system in its chronology, you willknow when something isn’t happening “by accident” anymore.

Cross-check

Any of our stories have been experienced by tons of people on theinternet. Just type in: “intern harassed by boss”, “sexual harassmentand friend”, even “sexual harassment by dentist” (when we wrotethat story, we could not believe this was actually a thing). It happens.
Reading others’ stories really helps you get your perspective
straight. You’re not exaggerating or oversensitive. Go to different
types of sources. There is material. You’re not alone. Ask your friends,
make sure there is a sense of awareness among people you’realready close to. It opens up the topic, especially if you’re at a pointof escalation and it’s not the first time harassment has come up.
This is also helpful when you are in a new situation. People whoare new in a system — work, education, city... — are particularly
vulnerable and can easily become targets. They feel they needto adapt as soon as possible to the rules of the new system,without checking first if the rules are genuine or if they areokay with them. Getting information from various sources canreally help you figure out how things are supposed to be. If you
have more information, you feel more empowered to set yourboundaries and needs against others who may exploit them,because then you know that it should actually be different.

Extra tip: List the things you are afraid of.

Reflect on what exactly prevents you from speaking
out and seeking help. Is it shame? Retaliation? Losing
your job/friend/lover? Being called a killjoy?
If you can’t talk through your fears, write them down. Someof them might look more manageable on paper thanwhen they’re just in your head. You can even research how
to address your fears. Others might have had that problem
too and could provide helpful insights. However hopelessyour situation may feel in the moment, there is a solution.

48

Find a vocabulary

Language creates reality — as soon as you have words for asituation, it’s easier to grasp. Harassers often frame something
in a certain way: flirting, flattering, joking or even attraction.
Also, find a vocabulary for what goes on inside of you, what words
you can use to describe your perceptions and your intuition.
Try to be very concise when you describe what’s going on.

Examples: That wasn't flirting. Flirting is consensual. Flirting isfun. He didn’t ask me if I wanted that. It wasn’t fun for me. He
made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like I didn’t have a choice.

Is this necessary?

If you have difficulties putting words on what you areexperiencing, take a step back and ask yourself: Is it necessary?
By asking if something — a comment on your profile
picture, switching from emails to texts or a messenger app,an unconsented move — is really necessary, you break thewhole personal involvement spiral that might make it hardto analyse the situation. You put yourself in a more distantposition, like an observing bystander. This distant pointof view can give you more clarity as it doesn’t take all thecomplicated social implications into account. When somebody
constantly does something that isn’t necessary, the person
is overstepping the limits of their role, it's a red flag.

49

Towards others

BREAKING THE SILENCE, NO. 2:

Disclaimer: Not everybody can speak up. Power

relations, the environment you’re in, the possibility ofretaliation, your traumas, your mental or physical (dis)ability(ies), your social position, your identity... All ofthese factors have an influence. Don’t feel bad if you
didn’t come up with the reactions you would have
liked to have had. Sexual harassment builds up overtime, which makes it harder to see and to counter.
The important thing is to know a range of different
strategies that you can choose from, and find out
which ones work best for you. Everybody confronts
harassment in their own ways. The most important
thing is security and self-preservation. Whatever you
feel comfortable with is okay. We know it can feel very
intimidating, maybe even impossible. We have beensocialised to not speak up for ourselves or others. It
takes time and practice to build up the confidence
needed to speak up; it’s a process. The more often you
practice different strategies, the more likely it is thatyou will incorporate them up to a level in which you
can automatically apply them in a given situation.

However, when we are in a position to do so — especially as
bystanders — we can and should speak up. When you are
a bystander, you are in a position of privilege just because
you are not the primary target. Check your privilege anduse it. It is important to keep in mind that you don’t haveto change the system all alone, especially if you are notin a position of power. But there are different levels on
which you can get active, and even in the least powerful
position, we can still address the affected person and lookout for help — we are responsible for this all together.

Practice opposition

We are not buying into the mainstream idea that “you could
just have said no” (see the myth page 64). Unfortunately,
we know that sometimes "no" is not enough, or not
possible, and we need to find another strategy.
Very often, the ones experiencing harassment only speak up whena really big event has happened or when things become absolutely
unbearable. We don’t have to wait to step up until things become
extremely bad or obvious before stepping up. In some cases, saying"no" might work. In those cases, openly addressing when a boundaryis crossed early on (even the first time) is really much easier than
waiting. The moment something is odd, bring it to the table.
50

Say “you make me feel uncomfortable” and then describe and list all
the instances. Don’t let them gaslight you with their “good intentions”:
just insist on how it made you feel and that it needs to stop. This
doesn’t have to be right away. It’s also okay to come back later onand say “hey, what you did earlier made me uncomfortable”.
Often when we are thrown into this kind of situation, we freeze.
But we can prepare ourselves and can become able to better assess
situations. For example: you can go through possible situations
mentally and think about possible reactions. Take your first red flag of
the stories in the previous section of the guide and practice reactions.
The more you practice, the less likely you are to get caught off guard.

Extra tip: Redirect responsibility
We've learnt that harassers push boundaries. So we want to practice
opposing those attempts early on. When people try to blur yourboundaries or try to make you look like a killjoy for not wanting toplay along, they want you to feel ashamed so that you will give inafter all. But remember: it’s not your fault when somebody crosses
your boundary, so you can hit the ball right back, e.g. by saying:“Do you realise that I’ve been telling you "no" repeatedly?”“So you’re one of those who can’t accept a "no"?” In some cases, thismight change the dynamic: the guilt flips — you are no longer the
one who has to justify yourself. Instead it is the harasser who has to.
IMPACT: You make it clear that you know, that youreyes are open and that you are aware of what is goingon and where your personal boundaries are.
Disclaimer: Safety and self-preservation come first. Do this in anenvironment where you have allies and people you can counton if such an encounter takes a bad turn. Inform yourself about
the consequences harassers face in your environment. Try andfind someone you trust to practice counter-speech with.

Talk to someone

Speaking out is also important for victims: Finding someone toconfide in is key to getting out of a situation of harassment. But
not everyone out there will be able to give you the support you
need. Here is some guidance on how to choose that person:—— Someone you truly trust: safety is key. You do not want theperson to then go on and tell your story to others.
—— Someone who recognises sexual harassment as a problem.
—— Someone who will listen to you: by listening, we mean
51

actively listening. They should be considerate, sensitive,
not jump to conclusions, and first and foremost,prioritise what you need and what you want to do.
—— Someone external to the system: because they will not
follow the internal logic, won’t have conflicts of interest or
loyalty, and won’t have to bargain with rules they might
have integrated themselves. They should be able to give
you a detached and sensible point of view on the situation.
They are more likely to have a common-sense approachto this, which might help you to get your perspective,
and they are less likely to normalise the situation.
—— Consider age: other generations might not be as awareof the devastating consequences of harassment, or
may have been conditioned to brush them aside(even more than our own generation has).
If you can, find several people to talk to andbuild yourself a support network.

Look out for the missing stair

The missing stairs concept illustrates how people know about
a person's misconduct, but instead of fixing the problem,
try to adapt to it and silently inform each other about the“missing stair”, i.e. the harasser. While knowing it is wrong,everybody accepts that the harasser is "just like that" andbuilds up elaborate schemes to work around the harasser’s
inexcusable behaviour. The environment thus contributes to themaintenance of an intolerable condition and ensures that the
misconduct has no consequences. Ultimately, the bystanders
leave potentially affected people exposed to the harassers.4

Bystander Intervention

The popular notion that everything that happens in the grey zoneis playful tension is dangerous. If we play along with that idea,
it’ll be even harder to break out of it when it’s not fun and games
anymore. If we tell somebody who feels uncomfortable to “cheerup”, if we excuse Joe from work who cracks sexist jokes with ashrug and a "that's the way he is”, we might grant him worsetransgressions. We let the harasser know that we are on their side.
We tolerate such behaviour and the person who is harassed will get
no help leaving those potentially targeted alone and vulnerable.
In fact, harassers know very well how to use the grey zone
to their advantage and often “test how far they can go bystarting with inappropriate comments or touches”5in public. That’s why early intervention is so important.
52

Bystanders — people who are witnessing harassment — can make a realdifference in situations of harassment when they become active. In most of
the stories we heard, a single person could have prevented a lot of harm if they
had stood up and taken decisive action. And bystanders might not be awareof the full extent of the sexual harassment, even if they are aware of conduct
and behaviour. We as a community have to be better and understand our
responsibility in being witnesses. Remember that harassment and assault
also take place in allegedly "socially progressive" or "open" environments,
and that external representation is no indication of how they will deal withmisconduct. Quite to the contrary, it might be even more difficult to address
the topic in this kind of environment since it cannot possibly occur there.
What can you do to be an active bystander? Show that your eyes are wide open.
Make clear that you will not tolerate sexual harassment. Talk about it. Yes, it isuncomfortable to be so vocal, but it sure is better than having to compromise.
And you relieve those affected of an enormous burden. Spread the fact that thisis not a private thing, but about power, and a public matter that concerns us all.
Here are some techniques you can use to intervene:

Learn to read a room

Sharpen your eyes for power,
dominance and self-promotion,and look out for those at thebottom of the social pyramid.

keep it public

Talk about harassers’ behaviour openly
and always oppose it when you see it.

Don’t let them be alone

Invite yourself into so-called private
situations or conversations that you
know are putting someone at risk.

Share information

Someone is known for bad
conduct? Share it (but be wary ofcreating "missing stairs": if you arein a position to something aboutit, do it). We have heard several
stories where people stressed how
knowing they were not the only
ones would have been vital for
distancing themselves earlier.
53

Hold on to it

Check in on them regularly, signalthat you are there for them and thatthey can trust you — on their terms.

Talk to the one targeted

Offer support: “how are you, really?”“I noticed (given behaviour) andwanted to tell you that I saw it”.
Acknowledging a situation may makethem realise that it was inappropriate,or help them understand that you
have been paying attention. Be an
active listener, tell them that they are
not responsible for what happened.
Point out possibilities and resources.

Build a buddy system

Watch out for newbies andprepare to be there for yourfriends, colleagues, neighbours.

Snowball effect

Keep in mind that you may start small,but you can have a huge impact.

Use your privilege

Understand how your age,status, skin colour, position— or even only that you’re
not the target — empower
you to be an ally.6

It’s never too late to
do something

Confront the harasser

If you are in the position to
speak out, do it. If you haveseen something and are ina position of power, maybe
even the harasser’s superior,
don’t hesitate to act, andmake sure your employees
are safe immediately.

Even if you've looked away
20 times, or decided against
talking to the one affected,
step in the 21st time.
Be aware of the effects of favouritism: when a superior is
putting one person on a pedestal, in a special position,
it not only singles that person out, it also encourages
competition and suspicion from others. It deters people fromintervening and asking “how are you?” — therefore leaving
possible targets to their own devices and vulnerable.
If you go back to the stories, you will see that often there
are people in the beginning — then the social surrounding
gradually disappears. Note that this is part of the system —harassers isolate their targets. Keep your eyes open forthis dynamic. These people are possible bystanders.:—— Professor’s story: other students, faculty staff,
people attending the conferences.
—— Colleague’s story: the boss, other colleagues.
—— Friend’s story: other friends, neighbours.
—— Dentist’s story: other patients, secretary.

Find your community

Addressing harassment will not only happen throughindividual action. Having a space where we cantalk about our experiences, be truly listened to andwithout fear of being judged is very important.
Support networks, sisterhoods, feminist collectives: allplay a great role in the fight against abuse, violence andharassment. We are aware that depending on where you
live, or how your initial social network looks like, this mightseem difficult. You can also find your community online,
through forums or Facebook groups for example.

54

ReportBREAKING THE SILENCE, NO. 3:

We are painfully aware of what it costs toreport such a dreadful experience. Often,
survivors have no direct access to information
about how to report, or do not have themental or emotional capacity to look for thisinformation. Many do not report at all, outof fear, because they are overwhelmed andwould not even know where to begin. We
figured that it can be very helpful to know
about the individual steps of reporting andnot to feel overwhelmed by the totality,
where you don't know where to start, what
infrastructure there is, potential gateways andwhat you can do to help yourself and others.
Disclaimer: We are not preaching about reporting

here. The most important thing is your well-being.
Reporting should be your personal decision: nobody
should push you towards it, and nobody should
prevent you from doing it. Know that you deserve
all the solidarity and support in the world, so if you
decide to report, do not hesitate to reach out for
helping hands and to gather a support network.

We want you to be able to make an informed decision
about reporting. A common fear is that once you report,
you have no control over what is happening. Know thatusually, you do not necessarily automatically trigger anofficial complaint process simply by reporting. There areusually several stages that you must pass through. And
there are different ways to find solutions at each stage.
It is your right to insist on the variant that is least harmful
to you and least demanding on you. Inform yourself about
the conditions of filing an official complaint and if you
are in a position of power, make this information publicly
available to others: can you simply go on the recordand decide further steps later on, is a consultation withhuman resources or a lawyer possible, are those aroundyou... In order to feel safer about reporting, you need to:—— Be aware that you have control over the process.
55

—— Know that information will not be communicated tosomeone else or made public against your will.

—— Know that you will not have to face a confrontation
with the harasser when reporting (right away).

—— Know you will be taken seriously.

Document

Even if it’s the first instance you notice, even if you do not knowwhether you will report, even if you are not sure something isgoing on: document. Whatever happens, you do not know what
you want to do later on, or what you will be able to do once
you are not in a psychologically demanding situation anymore.
Document everything for potential further steps in the future.

Extra tip: Send a text to yourself or your trust person
in real time. “Probably the most effective thing you cando (...) is to record details in real time. (...) Memories
fade over time; even over a couple of days, you forget
details (...). Send a text to yourself — that’s a good
way of making sure you remember the details that
may become important.”7This tip is also crucial for bystanders!

Analyse your options

We know very well how overwhelmed you may feel when
thinking about future steps. The best way to counter thatis to think it through with your trust person. Together,assess the situation, research and get organised.
We want you to be prepared. That’s why we cannot stress
this enough: you do not have to do this alone. Ask forhelp from your trust person or support network.

1. Learn about the reporting procedure

Knowing what is ahead of you is key so that you
can psychologically prepare yourself for it.
Here are some questions to guide you: are there different
pathways to reporting? What happens if you report officially,
if you submit an official claim? Can you go to the police or doyou need to go through mediation first? What is expectedfrom you at each step of the way? What documents do you
need to submit? What is the timeline for each step?

56

2. Look for extra support and advice

It is useful to turn to people or organisations who have strong
expertise on harassment but are outside of your system.
Look out for feminist organisations and collectives, women’s rights
organisations, survivor networks where you live. If you cannot
find any, you can turn to helplines for victims of harassment,
sexual violence, or even violence in general. They have a wealthof knowledge and experience. They can inform you on the law
or the procedures available to you, tell you what has worked forsurvivors in the past (and what has not). Very important too: they
can point you to medical professionals (doctors, psychologists…)
who are safe and know how to work with victims of harassment.
Even if they might not have the specific methods for yourcase, they may be in touch with organisations or people
that do. You may want to check their values first before yourapproach them to make sure they will support you (e.g. arethey intersectional? Do they support trans women?)

3. Do a power analysis

An unfortunate truth we have to face is that the system
will not work for us. You will have to make it work foryou. Do not blindly trust people who might have otherloyalties or may pass on information to other people.

Be aware of the fact that members of a given
system — your workplace, organisation, friendship,
university — might not be allies because:—— They are all subject to the same logic and rules of thesystem, and so will often show greater loyalty to thesystem rather than change something about it.
—— They may feel like challenging the system means
challenging themselves and their own place in thatsystem — and that they cannot or do not want to bear this.
It also means looking at how they have been complicit
to situations of harassment, which is uncomfortable.
—— They may feel like challenging the logic of the system
would mean changing it all, which seems like an
impossible task (even if used only as a pretext).
—— As painful as it sounds, people are often not willing to challenge
a whole system for one person (even if it is more than one
person affected and even if this makes the whole system toxic,
unhealthy and dangerous), especially if they benefit from it.
If you decide to talk about your case of harassment to57

somebody who is in the same system, try to make a short“power analysis” beforehand. Ask yourself: what are thestrings of power? Who might have an interest in sharing yourstory, perhaps in a way that could do you harm? Find people
who are not inclined to share your story in a destructive way
but who feel committed to you and your well-being.

Find witnesses

If somebody witnesses you being sexually harassed, ask them towrite this down. Think about people who have witnessed instances.
If you feel safe enough to break the silence towards others, you
might find out that there were other stories, that the perpetrator
has a reputation and word about them is out on the street. If thisis the case, write all these incidences down to build your case.

Be prepared for backlash

When we are reporting sexual harassment or talking about itwith somebody else, we unfortunately cannot always expect
thorough understanding and the empathy we deserve. A goodway is to go through all the possible scenarios for how theconversation could progress beforehand. When we prepare
ourselves, we are less likely to be caught off-guard easily.

Extra tip: Bring another person

People act differently when there is another person in theroom — it changes the dynamics from something personal
between you and the harasser to something more public.

Going public

Some people who get harassed decide to go public about theirharassers. Things you should keep in mind when you want to doso: talk to journalists who care more about your safety and yourwishes than about a story. Talk to people who can make an informedinterpretation of the subject, who explain the different steps ofthe process to you and tell you that you can withdraw your story
at any time. There is a lot of public interest in “juicy details”, sobe alert if journalists ask you for that kind of thing and are not asinterested in showing what is wrong about the bigger picture.858

Change the culture aroundharassment: busting the myths

Fighting harassment also comes through changing theculture. From a very young age, society feeds us withmyths about harassment based on victim-blaming
and rape culture. They promote the idea that victims
are responsible for whatever happens to them, andharassers can get away with pretty much anything.
It is important to make ourselves aware of thefact that the beliefs we hold for growing up in thissociety are often based on the male perspective.
Be careful if someone wants to present you withan allegedly "easy fix". If there was a simple way todeal with sexual harassment or to get out of sucha situation, we would have already found it.
It is our responsibility to bust these myths
whenever we hear them. Here you will findthe main myths about sexual harassment anda few key tools to start countering them.

first (and probably last) thing women are"Beware The
taught about sexual harassment is that thecomes from the outside. The trope is asof the danger
old as time: we should be wary of the dangerous
hiding in the bushes, or in the dark alley,
men stranger
ready to jump out and rape their victim at any
Public discourses, shaped predominantly
hiding time.
by men, often imply that it’s only a special kindin the of man that is a dangerous perpetrator. They
are always “the other”, which is often linked
bushes" with racist assumptions. It is almost always menof colour, someone who is foreign, external. At
the same time, it erases the reality women face
all over the world: harassers are more often
than not people that we know, people in the
midst of our community, people we trust, who
we like or even love. In most cases, it’s not acomplete stranger who will harass or molest
us — multiple studies prove that those who getharassed almost always know their harassers.
If we repeat this false stereotype, we obscure59the view of where and how sexual harassment
is committed. We are at the highest risk ofsexual violence at home, at work, and aroundpeople we know. Committed by our friend,
relative, coworker, or because of that person’s
great reputation and (alleged) kindness.
Sexual harassment is not about what or who
people are, but about what they do. If we want to
identify sexual harassment effectively, it is crucial
to actively and consciously separate identity
from behaviour. We have to find out which
environmental factors, power dynamics and actions
are coming together and constitute abuse.
There are so many men who have harassed andassaulted women, but were “the guy who would
never do such a thing”. All the nice guys, brilliant
artists, sweet uncles — Woody Allen, Bill Cosby,
the priest grabbing Ariana Grande9 are all people
who have a lot of esteem, those who would be
described with the words “they would never hurta fly”, those who occupy a social position thatallows them to act with impunity. What all those
perpetrators have in common is that they havepower. Power can come in different shapes.
So when we’re told “beware of the men in thebushes”, we should actually beware of all theother ones, those who are truly dangerous.
The truth is: anyone can be a perpetrator of sexual
harassment. And anyone can become a target.

60

stories that we see in the media do not“This is Harassment
show the whole picture. They often favour a unique typevictimhood. They often make people at the margins
what ofinvisible.
Therefore, we have an unclear picture of who cana victim become a target and how harassers take advantage of
people. When society or the media show only one way oflooks like” how to be a “victim”, who can be harassed and who cannot,
all they do is prevent people from identifying harassment
and bar them from seeking resources and support.

Your personal vulnerability is never the root cause of
sexual harassment. We are not born vulnerable.
We are made vulnerable because of discrimination
and unequal distribution of resources and powerin society. Others can build on our social position or
identity, use our vulnerable position against us. Harassers
will use systemic racism, ableism, classism, sexism,
LGBTI-phobia to their advantage. Why? Because theyknow that people affected by these oppressions areless likely to be listened to and taken seriously by society,especially when they speak up against sexual violence.
It can come from:—— Being new to an environment.
—— Being unfamiliar with the rules that apply there.
—— Needing a job badly (e.g. for financial reasons).
—— Having a different class backgroundthan most people around you.

—— Your cultural context.
—— Your gender, gender identity, gender
expression or sex characteristics.

—— Your skin colour.
—— Your age.
—— Your level of social integration (friends, family,
a social network that supports you).

—— A physical disability.
—— A mental health issue.
—— A precarious economic situation.
—— Your degrees.

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In hostile environments, perpetrators can easily use
these traits to exploit people. Harassers will most likely
take advantage of vulnerable positions or even create
them. Being aware of the factors that can expose you toharassment is an essential step in understanding how
other people can try to exercise power over you, andspecify your judgement of why what they did was wrong.
Identifying them can be a great source of agency.

did you wear? What did you drink? Why were"She Whatyou even there? When speaking up about sexualand assault, often the first question is
asked harassment
about OUR behaviour. All of a sudden the perpetrator,
for it" their actions and motivations aren’t in the picture

anymore. The only one to blame is the target. We
have internalised this logic in the form of self-blame.
We ask ourselves if we were too tempting, if we
initiated something, if we could have prevented all of
it by saying no loudly and clearly enough. This is theclassic perpetrator-victim reversal. People examine
every detail about the affected ones to find a flaw, amistake, a justification, while the conversation shouldbe about the ones who are actually responsible:
perpetrators. It is important to remember that it
does not depend on our behaviour, we cannot makeit “right”. When we smile, some might interpret it as
an invitation. When we don’t, some see it as incentive
to comment on how we should smile more.

It does not depend on how the ones who experienceharassment behave. We have to look at sexual
harassment and assault as “crimes of violence andcontrol that stem from a person’s determination to
exercise power over another. Neither provocative
dress nor promiscuous behaviours are invitations
for unwanted sexual activity”10. “This “assumptionof risk” wrongfully places the responsibilityof the offender’s action with the victim.”
Whatever we wear, whatever we look like, it does notchange a thing about whether or not a perpetrator
will put their intention into action. In the end, it allcomes down to this: the ones who get harassed
are robbed of their humanity, dignity and integrity.
They are humiliated, left feeling disgraced, hurt,
traumatised, ashamed. The harasser, on the other
hand, can walk away freely and pick up their daily
routines as if nothing happened. Not so the ones
experiencing assault, who have to carry the burdenof handling and coping with it. Next time when yourreflex of exculpating the harasser kicks in, remember
this: you are the one who lives with the consequences,
but so should they. They are responsible.

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too often when we talk about harassment, people"They All
— including ourselves for that matter (#selfblame) —to find an excuse for the culprit and a reason why
did not hurry
they couldn’t possibly have intended what they did. Theymean it" take the intention of the act, and the ones affected aresupposed to deal with the impact all by themselves.

Try and look at it this way: someone throws a frisbee
in your face. A bystander observes the scene and tells
you not to make a fuss about it because "they did notmean to hurt you". Why shouldn’t we make the person
who threw the frisbee accountable, instead of letting
the one who got hit carry the additional load?
That sounds absurd, right?
Well, the same goes for harassment. Intention and impact
can and should be separated. One may hurt someone else,
regardless of whether they want to or not. Pointing out theintention and expecting that this will suffice is certainly notaddressing the problem. You still have to deal with the pain.
The one who threw the frisbee should do two things thatshould be self-evident: apologise and take responsibility
for their actions. The people around should recognise yourpain. Let’s remember this: “it is NOT the victim’s fault or
responsibility to fix the situation; it is the abuser’s choice.”11
What people tell us when they claim the perpetrator"did not mean it" is to shut up. To not make a scene.
To swallow it and deal with the harassment by ourselves,in silence. They tell us to forgive before we have evendiscerned for ourselves what just happened. They makeit harder for the targets to step up and they forget theperpetrator. They tell us that the perpetrator’s feelings are
more important than our feelings, our dignity, our integrity,
our right to feel okay, our well-being, our safety, our rightto decide what we do with our minds and bodies. Again,
the perpetrators not only get all the support of society, butthey also get away with whatever they have done. That’s
not okay. The central focus is on the damage done and thepain inflicted upon us. As long as we keep upholding goodintentions over impact, we cannot address harassment.

63myth is one of the classics of victim blaming.
“She did not This
It assumes that a survivor could have stopped their
if only they had only said "no" loudly andsay no / harasser
clearly. This assumption is based on two factors:
she could/ 1. It regards sexual harassment as something thattarget can navigate. In reality, harassment andshould have aassault
stem from the determination of a perpetrator.
targets are seldom in a position to navigate.
stopped it” 2. ItTheignores
the basic principles of consent. The absenceof a "no" is not a "yes". Consent requires a situationof free will and the possibility to say "no" without
fearing repercussions. Consent is only possible
when people are not in a situation of dependency.
If people feel cornered and under pressure, it limits
their ability to give affirmative consent. Consent cannever be assumed. If somebody continues without
checking if you want that thing, it is not your duty to
speak up. The onus is on them to check up on you
and if they do not, it is their fault for not asking.
If you want to read more about consent, checkout our "change the world" section (page 43).

There is one prevalent picture of what somebody who
is getting harassed looks like: helpless, without any
agency or resources. Harassers will tell you exactly thislie: that you are alone, you can’t help yourself and noone can help you. The truth is, you are not helpless andyou have more agency than they want you to believe.
If you have never experienced sexual harassment, you
might believe that you would have plenty of strategies
and would know exactly what to do, and handle thesituation like it was nothing. This occurs especiallywhen your self-image is that of a strong, empowered,independent person who needs no help and candeal with any situation on their own. Often you do
not see the invisible threads and factors that restrictyou. On the contrary, when you are pushed into thesituation, you are often made to believe that you arestuck and cannot do anything at all, also because ofa great deal of internalised guilt that keeps you shut.
When our self-image and self-performance is one of abadass, independent person, it can be even harder toacknowledge when we are feeling cornered, isolated
and weakened and to realise that we need help.
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Your actual agency is probably somewhere
in between these extremes. It does havecertain limits and it is hard to assume how
you would behave in a situation that you havenever been in, and if don't know what it feels
like. Whether you feel cornered, helpless, orresilient, whether you identify as a victim, asurvivor, or none of the two, you have options:
there are solutions and ways to get out of it.

first picture of harassment we have is often a“Sexual The
hand on an arse. But it’s much more complex thanIn reality, sexual harassment is often precededharassment that.
by a long history of psychological harassment. Why?
sexual harassment is about POWER andis about Because
not about sex. Contrary to many representations,sex” sexual harassment isn't always outright sexual.
Perpetrators use psychological harassment as a way
to build power and control over their victim. It is
common to hear stories of sexual harassment thathave little in terms of sexual components, or where
actual sexual behaviour (whether in the form of acomment or unwanted physical contact) only comes
after a long build-up of psychological harassment.
The idea that sexual harassment is about sex comesfrom prevalent rape culture. Rape culture means thatrape and sexual violence are normalised in a society. On
the one end of the spectrum might be a sexual joke or
the idea that women are objects, on the other end issexual violence and rape. Rape culture takes women’shumanity away and insinuates that it is normal that
their bodies are there to be taken and consumed.
65be clear about this: sexual harassment“We don’t Let’s
can happen ANYWHERE. In any place, any
any location, any circumstance, athave environment,
any time. Contrary to popular belief, harassment
Harassment/ does not only happen in a dark street withno one around, but often in bright daylightharassers and with plenty of bystanders around.
we are told that sexual harassment does notHere” Whenor cannot happen in a specific environment, thatit couldn’t happen in environments where people
are well-educated and wealthy (see the ubiquitous
harassment and assault at university campuses12)
or “working for the greater good” (see the manyharassment stories in the European Parliament13),
there is reason to worry, because this means
there is a culture of denial that excuses potential
perpetrators. When people say that it doesn’t
exist, it becomes more difficult for the people
affected to compete against this claim. This kindof culture makes it easier for perpetrators, because
the environment supports them and can rely on
getting away with it, without fear of repercussions.

In fact, there are some environmental factorsthat create a good breeding ground for sexual
harassment. Keep your eyes open - abusive
behaviour is more likely to flourish when thefollowing environmental factors exist:—— Unchecked power — those in power can act asthey please as there are no checks and balances.
—— Strong hierarchies in place.
—— High levels of dependency.
—— High economic and personal stakes, fearof retaliation, possible repercussions if
speaking up, creating a culture of silence.
A responsible environment shouldn’t justclaim that they don’t have harassers among
their ranks (thereby silencing those who
do address the problem), but tackle theenvironmental factors that foster harassment.

66

popular argument turns the problem“If it Thisaround again to the target’s disadvantage.
experiencing harassment do notreally was Those
only have to provide proof for the incident;
harassment, if the environment does not react — as is
unfortunately often the case — then no
someone harassment can have occurred. Because you
notice that, wouldn’t you? The problem
would say would
is that harassment is usually noticed by
but very few of them intervene.
something” bystanders,Often this is because they don’t want to see
because they have adopted the logic of the(aka the it,perpetrator(that’s just the way he is), because
caught in the same hierarchicalbystander they’re
power structure, because it is difficult to see
effect) a nice colleague as the perpetrator. That’s
why people often turn away and leave thevictim alone. Silence is often a symptom of
the so-called “bystander effect”: if nobody
openly addresses the transgression,
everybody else looks the other way, too.
However, as soon as one person speaks up,
it is much more likely that other people will
engage as they have probably noticed it
all along. There are possibilities to change thisculture of silence. You can read more about
this in the third part “change the world”(page 52). Everything can change when you
have an ally you can trust and open up to.

harassment happens when people
From myths —— Sexual
feed the myth of the grey zone, whereto empowerment everything can be a misunderstanding.

—— Anyone can be a perpetrator, butthere are environments that allow
perpetrators to exert their power freely.

—— Anyone can be a target, once they
are put in a vulnerable position.

—— Harassment is an act against yourwill and is never your fault.

—— Sexual harassment is not about sex andpassion, but about power and control.

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Conclusion68

Hey! So you made it through this guide. We
know this is a lot to digest and you probably
have many different feelings about this.
Maybe you feel empowered, overwhelmed,
sad, angry? Maybe you feel like the world
out there is just waiting to get at you?
Here are a few concluding thoughts
to help you process all this.

Your feelings are valuable

No matter what people say. What you feel, and theknowledge you have about yourself is the most valuable.
Nobody is allowed to take that away from you. Whenyou feel hurt, that is real and valid. End of story.

You are not alone

That’s one of the most important messages we wanted
to share with you. We wrote this guide because we had
analysed the experiences of harassment of hundreds ofwomen* and had noticed that there’s always a pattern.
Sexual harassment is systematic. Yes, your personalalert system is unique; it is how you navigate the worldusing your personal space as a guideline. But it’s also
something collective that women* all over the world
experience together. Realising that we are in this
together makes us stronger and more connected.

Change is a collection of small steps
By reading this guide and acknowledging thatsexual harassment is unacceptable, you are alreadycreating change. Change isn’t necessarily visible on
the outside and it doesn’t mean you have to get out
there and knock something over. Change can startwith you understanding that somebody crossing yourboundaries wasn’t right, that you shouldn’t be theone who feels guilty about it. Let’s watch out for when
our sisters are feeling the same way, and take careof each other. Let's keep our eyes open and have thesame compassion for ourselves that we have others.

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We are in this together.
When we say change the world, we do not necessarily mean you
should go out there and address the whole issue by yourself. This
guide could be just a stepping stone to a bigger change.
So what can you do now? The possibilities are endless:Create change
for yourself—— Practice your alert system.
—— Try and respect yourboundaries every day.

—— Be compassionate withyourself as you would be withthe people in the stories.

Connectwith others—— Realise that you have a lot in—— common with your sisters—— Have others' back—— Spread the knowledge.
—— Keep your eyes open for patterns.
—— Print and distribute this guide.
—— Send us your stories to makethis guide denser, richer
and more intersectional.

Changethe system—— Be an active ambassador

every day, in your private andprofessional life, everywhere.
—— Practice counter-speech.
—— Share your strategies against harassmentwith others, give workshops.
—— Oppose the myths on sexual harassment
wherever you encounter them.
—— When you see something,say something.
—— Start a collective against harassment.

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sHare
your story
This guide is justthe beginning ofan ongoing online
project. We want tohear more stories so
we can incorporate
their insights in thisguide. Interested incontributing?
Visit periodbrussels.eu.

End notes
1“Issues and Information about Sexual Harassment”,
Marshall University Women’s Center
https://www.marshall.edu/wcenter/sexual-harrassment/

2“Why victims freeze during sexual assault or harassment”,
Kimberly Gillan, SBS, 2018https://www.sbs.com.au/topics/life/culture/article/2018/02/27/
why-victims-freeze-during-sexual-assault-or-harrassment

3

Tea Consent ©2015 Emmeline May and Blue Seat Studios
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

4 “The missing stair”, Cliff Pervocracy, 2012
http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html
5“Sexual harassment trainings do not work. But some thingsdo”, Claire Cain Miller, New York Times, 2017https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/11/upshot/sexualharassment-workplace-prevention-effective.html

6“Bystander Intervention Tips and Strategies”,
National Sexual Violence Resource Center
https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2018-02/
publications_nsvrc_tip-sheet_bystanderintervention-tips-and-strategies_1.pdf

7"“Here’s how to help if you witness sexual harassment
at work”, Meera Jaganathan, MarketWatch, 2017https://www.marketwatch.com/story/heres-how-to-help-ifyou-witness-sexual-harassment-at-work-2017-12-01-10884211

8 For examples of what a safe, ethical and respectfulinterview can and should look like (and standards you candemand to have respected during interviews), take a look at
the “Dart Center’s Guide on Interviewing Survivors of Sexualand Gender-Based Violence"https://dartcenter.org/content/conducting-interviews-withsurvivors-sexual-and-gender-based-violence-by-witness
9“Nothing maintains women’s silence like the fearof making a scene”, Clementine Ford,
The Sydney Morning Harold, 2018https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/
nothing-maintains-women-s-silence-like-thefearof-making-a-scene-20180904-p501ke.html

10 “Common Myths Associated with Sexual Violence”,
Florida Institute of Technology
https://www.fit.edu/title-ix/sexual-harassmentviolence/
11 “Rape culture, victim blaming and the facts”, Southern
Connecticut State University
http://www.southernct.edu/sexual-misconduct/facts.html
12 The documentary “The Hunting Ground" documents how
prevalent rape culture in US universities and how sexual
violence is both common and invisibilised.
The HuntingGround, Kirby Dick, 2015,
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4185572/
13 #metooEP, a blog created by staff of the European
Parliament, collects testimonies of sexual harassmentin the European institutions
https://metooep.com

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