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Eckler, Rebecca. (2019). **Blissfully Blended Bullshit: The Uncomfortable Tuth of Blending Families.** Toronto: Dundurn Press.

Reviewed by: Megan Foxcroft, MacEwan University

Rebecca Eckler’s book, “Blissfully Blended Bullshit”, is an honest, direct, and raw personal narrative of her experience in a blended family. Rebecca, who is a single mom of one daughter and pregnant with her new boyfriend’s baby, decides to merge lives with her boyfriend, along with his two daughters and dog. Unfortunately, the honeymoon phase of blending was fleeting, as Rebecca quickly “went from blissful ignorance that [they] were all happy in [their] new life together to feeling like a guest in [her] own home” (p. 71). Rebecca must navigate the new obstacles that come with blending families whether it be trivial issues such as grocery shopping, cooking, and walking the dog, or more significant challenges such as differences in parenting styles, finances, and forming bonds with step-children. It does not take long for Rebecca to realize that “blending families is so, so fucking hard!” (p. 159). Along with sharing her own experiences, Rebecca includes many experiences and stories of her friends in blended families. The conversations Rebecca has with her friends reveal that the difficulties Rebecca is facing are commonly experienced in blended families. These conversations also highlight that the fights in blended families are different from those in traditional nuclear families. The book follows Rebecca as she tries to adjust from being a single mother of one to a mother of a new baby, a step-mother of two daughters, and a girlfriend. It begins with Rebecca and her boyfriend’s first date, which was
only intended to be a rebound and it concludes with Rebecca finding happiness again once her ex-
boyfriend has moved out. Each chapter recounts different events from Rebecca's journey, with the
majority including fights, unmet expectations, hurt feelings, and confrontations. The emotional
impact of blending families is not lost in this book as Rebecca openly shares her struggles with
mental health. Although some find a way to make "blended splendid", Rebecca's family did not.

One of the most prominent themes drawn on throughout the book is the struggle of blending
families. Rebecca spends much of the book recounting the fights, disagreements and internal
conflicts that unknowingly came with blending. With expert advice falling far from the reality of
what it is like to blend families, Rebecca begins to understand why "sixty-six percent of blended
families don't make it" (p. 130). There was no warning, explanation, or answer for the endless
challenges Rebecca was facing in her blended family. Things such as who said "hi" and "bye" first
between Rebecca and her step-daughters caused "a years-long standoff" (p. 65). The question of
"How many children do you have?" was one Rebecca did not have an answer for and often left
her feeling "fucking clueless [and] incapable of answering what is, really, a fucking simple
question" (p. 123). The issue of money was not discussed prior to blending and ended up being a
reoccurring cause of fights and resentment Rebecca had towards her boyfriend. When the struggles
of blending started to arise, they did not stop and it becomes clear to Rebecca, that "blending was
harder than [she] ever could have imagined" (p.178). It does not take Rebecca long to convey her
view to the reader that "blending families has become an epidemic" (p. 131).

Another underlying theme presented throughout Rebecca's journey in a blended family is
the issue of biological and non-biological love being different. A few years into blending, a com-
ment made by Rebecca's mother in-law that “it's not the same when they're not your own” (p. 74) deeply angered and shocked Rebecca, but also made her start to question her belief that all love is the same. Rebecca came to realize that “love is confusing at best in blended families [and] love isn't equal” (p. 77). This different type of love between biological parents and their children is seen in various ways throughout the book. Rebecca's boyfriend often showed differential treatment towards his two daughters by “putting on an elaborate dinner” (p.144) when his daughters came over or failing to ever help parent Rebecca's daughter. Rebecca also showed differential treatment to her daughter by taking her on mother-daughter trips or allowing her to cuddle in their bed at night against her boyfriend's wish. This difference in attitude extends beyond the parents to the grandparents, as seen through Rebecca's parents only taking their biological granddaughter on outings when they come to visit. For Rebecca, the most significant display of love not being equal in a blended family was when her boyfriend chose to go to a party over the hospital when her daughter was there sick. This also happened to be what caused Rebecca to “[fall] out of love in an instant” (p. 240). Despite Rebecca's account of the many efforts she made to form and strengthen bonds in their blended family, the differences in biological and non-biological love prevailed. “Blood in this case, is thicker than water. And reflecting, it always was as we blended families” (pg. 265).

Unmet expectations became a common theme throughout the book as the stories Rebecca shared often ended in her being letdown. A repeating pattern occurred throughout the book in which either Rebecca's boyfriend or step-daughters would fail to meet her expectations, resulting in arguments and Rebecca feeling underappreciated, disappointed, and frustrated. When Rebecca's
step-daughters fail to acknowledge her on Mother's Day without a prompt from their father, Rebecca finds her expectations failed to be met (p. 167). This instance highlights the different challenges in blended families compared to nuclear families where children only have one mother to acknowledge on celebrations. Rebecca eventually came to realize that to avoid disappointment in her blended family, she "definitely need[ed] to lower [her] expectations" (p. 168). For Rebecca, that was easier said than done as her experience in a blended family included countless instances of unmet expectations and disappointment right from the start all the way through to navigating the process of un-blending and divorce.

Overall, this book underscores just how truly difficult blending families can be. Through candid and intimate stories, Rebecca brings to light the unknowing complexities and challenges that come with blending families. No theoretical approaches or research methods were utilized in this book, but instead anecdotal experiences were drawn on. Disciplines that may benefit from this book are family sociology, social work, family and child psychology, and couples and family counseling. Post-secondary students in any discipline that focuses on the dynamics and structures of families would also benefit from this book. The target audience for this book is adults that are contemplating or experiencing life in a blended family. Rebecca conveys her story in an authentic and honest manner, which creates a sense of transparency and trust for the reader. It was an easy, engaging, and entertaining read that truly immerses you in her life. However, her view on blended families was primarily negative and she failed to provide any praise to those who have a successful blended family. For improvement, I suggest that perspectives from other members of the family be added. After finishing the book, I was left wondering whether I was given the full story or if
there were parts that Rebecca knowingly chose to leave out. Providing additional perspectives
would provide the reader with a more holistic understanding of the experience in a blended family.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone looking for validation or assurance with respect to
struggles or obstacles they may encounter in a blended family. However, I would not recommend
this book to those seeking advice or support in the process of blending families.