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Lalonde, Julie S. (2020). **Resilience Is Futile: The Life and Death and Life of Julie S. Lalonde.** Toronto: Between the Lines.

Reviewed by: Kezia Biggeman, MacEwan University

“Resilience is Futile: The Life and Death of Julie S. Lalonde” by Julie S. Lalonde is a book that illustrates the experience of what happens before, during, and after the toxic cycle of abuse from the position of the victim. In her book, Lalonde outlines how her abusive relationship did not start that way, which was critical for her abuser, Xander, to maintain his grip on her. She delves into the complexities of trauma from loving and resenting her abuser and how this trauma continues after the relationship ends. Lalonde actively fought the occurrence of abuse and provided support to victims, all while being abused and stalked. She details the difficulty of maintaining her sanity while relentlessly being gaslit and manipulated. There is a feminist approach to this book where she exposes the prevalence of gender inequality in society and how it leads to the further oppression of women. Lalonde's personal story exhibits the interconnectedness of abuse through the themes of shame, power, injustice, self-preservation, and culture.

The feminist approach taken by Lalonde criticizes how society contributes and normalizes abuse towards women. She recalls how, as a society, “[w]e teach girls from a young age to take cruelty from boys as a compliment. We teach boys from a young age to shroud their affection in brutality” (p. 8). Her previous notion explains how, by justifying and belittling the harm girls
experience from boys as something innocuous and natural, we as a society are grooming girls into entering and staying in abusive relationships. Lalonde acknowledges how even she, as a teenager, contributed to the continuation of these sexist ideas by not standing up to the sexual harassment Xander inflicted upon her friend (p. 12). She explains the feminine burden of telling her abuse story and, therefore, taking on the emotional labour of managing other's feelings and reactions; we are taught as women to nurture and care about how others feel and to prioritize them over ourselves (p. 166). Lalonde illustrates the consequences of staying silent in the face of sexism and how it turns into shame and further solidifies the difficulty of leaving an abusive relationship.

Lalonde's book explains how shame fuels an abused victim into being silent so as not to out themselves as a hypocrite or to threaten the idea of themself and their values. For example, she explains the cognitive dissonance of being raised in a loving environment and holding morally correct values while also staying in an abusive relationship (p. 22). Her shame and fear of being outed as not being who she says she is leads her to try to fix her relationship, which only furthers Xander's control over her. Lalonde unintentionally gave Xander power by giving the relationship more time to get corrected out of shame.

A power imbalance is critical to the maintenance of abuse, and Lalonde's relationship solidifies this idea. Any attempt to regain control of her life was met with disregard from Xander and furthered her descent into feeling helpless and powerless. Xander enhanced his power by convincing Lalonde to let him live with her and encouraging her to work at the same mall as himself to maintain control. She shares a note from Xander stating, "I will always love you, you have no choice," which exemplifies the control and power he continued to hold despite Lalonde going to the police (p. 89). The continued failure of the justice system to protect victims of abuse
gave way to Xander continuing to have power.

Lalonde details the injustice she experienced through the police and court system, which enabled her abuse to continue. Lalonde was not taken seriously by the police, despite opening a case against Xander and calling many times to report his abuse. Only once an operator tells her to exaggerate the extent that her life is in danger do the police come and get a statement (pp. 57-58). Lalonde revokes her request for a peace bond after being manipulated by Xander, leading her to be revictimized by the judge (pp. 76-77). The judge neglects to consider the possibility of Lalonde getting coerced into revoking and instead humiliates her and blames her for other victims not coming forward. Lalonde notes that “[i]t wasn’t enough that women were subjected to discrimination, violence, and neglect… We also had to perform our trauma in a very precise way in order to get any semblance of justice” (p. 114). By being subjected to injustice by Xander and the justice system, Lalonde has to find ways to maintain her sanity.

The theme of self-preservation is rampant in Lalonde's book and reflects how intense trauma affects a victim of abuse. Her primary method of coping is by disassociating, which helps her separate herself mentally from what is happening physically. This book holds many examples of the immense toll that a turbulent relationship has on a victim, often leading to feelings of hopelessness. For example, Lalonde states, “[w]hen the person you love makes every word a battle, you learn to acquiesce to maintain your sanity. Too exhausted to bother fighting back, you resign yourself to the fact that they're going to win anyway” (p. 25). She details the difficulty she had with maintaining her health due to her overexerting herself with assisting victims as a way not to acknowledge her reality.

Lalonde's book exposes the problematic culture surrounding abuse and how it tends to
victim blame and insult the intelligence and sanity of a victim for staying with their abuser. While it appears that our culture is progressing in helping to identify abusive partners, the victim continues to have responsibility placed on them for remaining in the relationship. Lalonde talks about the role of our culture and society and how it has changed. She states:

> As I grew into a teenager, messages about domestic violence started to permeate my world. The message shifted from 'Avoid strangers' to 'Avoid abusive men,' as though they wore bright neon signs around their necks announcing their presence. Society warns women about the dangers of domestic violence, but it's all thinly veiled victim blaming—bad men exist, but only stupid women love them and even dumber women stay (pp. 38-39).

Lalonde wrote this book to shed light on the realities of abuse victims. Victims do not necessarily fit an exact criterion; some may appear stable and acquire many achievements, but they are still valid and deserve support. With numerous examples and photographic evidence of Xander's abuse towards her, this book flawlessly illustrates how our culture demonizes victims and protects abusers. Lalonde points out a way in which to support people who are actively experiencing abuse, which helped her: by allowing victims to make mistakes and not holding it against them (p. 27). Letting a person know you are available to help them when they are ready is critical in preventing a victim from feeling isolated.

Lalonde's book is written for the general audience but is valuable to all of society, especially for the law discipline, since more education on the cycle of abuse would be beneficial to supporting victims. If, as a society, we grew to be more aware of the ease with which one can fall into an abusive relationship, believed victims, and condemned sexist views of what is accep-
table, we would be better protected from abuse. Perhaps if the justice system is more aware of the
mental degradation that occurs within victims from their abusers, there will be fewer long-lasting
abusive relationships. This book inspires hope for a more conscious society that acts when abuse
is seen instead of ignoring it. I was thoroughly captivated, enraged, and heartbroken by Lalonde's
story and wish everyone would read it.