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Eckler, Rebecca. (2019). **Blissfully Blended Bullshit: The Uncomfortable Truth of Blending Families.** Toronto: Dundurn Press.

Reviewed by: Hidaaya Salad, MacEwan University

Rebecca Eckler’s book, “Blissfully Blended Bullshit: The Uncomfortable Truth of Blending Families”, is a raw retelling of Eckler’s personal experience of being in a blended family that despite its best efforts, could not work out. Eckler, through the usage of humour and blunt language, describes the issues she faced within her blended family. With already being a single mother to her beloved daughter, Rowan, pregnant with another child, and opening her home up to her new partner as well as his two daughters and all of their furniture, Eckler brings us along in her journey of grappling with all of these changes coupled with all of the complications that come with blending. Eckler’s straightforward retelling of her own experience of blending families intertwined with anecdotes of friends and acquaintances who’ve experienced similar problems bring forth an unfiltered and intense view of the ugliness that can arise from blending.

A reoccurring theme, although possibly unintentional, is Eckler’s hypocrisy regarding her behaviour compared to the behaviour of her partner and his family. Despite the author beginning the book by proclaiming that she will not give an unbiased narrative where she comes across as roses and rainbows and her family comes across as assholes, she does just that. (p. 14). From the beginning, Eckler retells many occasions throughout her blending experience where those who are not biologically related to her face harsher criticism for doing the same things she and her biolo-
gical daughter, Rowan, do. Eckler vividly illustrates these emotions when she had been excluded from her Bonus daughter's prom pictures: "I'm sad and seething. It sucks to feel left out. It sucks to be left out... It definitely sucks to feel unwanted." (p. 196). Although Eckler shares those raw valid emotions that she had felt when she is excluded by her partner and his family, she provides little to no consideration when she excludes her bonus family in activities she has with just her daughter and instead justifies her behaviour: "Boyfriend knows it's futile to try and get in the way of our mother and daughter vacations, which essentially exclude not just him, but his children as well." (p. 116). This is interesting because on one end she vilifies her partner and his family for the moments they exclude her and her daughter, but when she is called out for doing the same, if not worse, the reaction is vastly different. As a reader, this level of inconsistency makes the book hard to follow because it feels as if no clear right or wrong is being outlined, rather than it is right if she does it, but wrong if her partner and his family do it.

Despite Eckler's moments of hypocrisy, the author diligently illustrates the importance of communication. Eckler's blending process of her family reads as a spontaneous decision that she and her partner came to without extensive discussion, which later plays an important role in the dissolution of their relationship. The author consistently emphasizes that she and her partner had quickly fallen in love with each other as well as the idea of blending their lives. Eckler later realizes, as her partner is moving in, there are conversations she and her partner should have had prior to move-in day, such as financial decisions and how costs will be split, and how they both already have their own furnished homes which they will somehow have to cram into one: "figuring out how to fit two fully furnished houses into one house is beyond daunting..." (p. 32). The lack
of communication regarding these issues is one of the many things Eckler could attribute to their
failing relationship due to neither she nor her partner being able to come to a compromise where
both were content. By emphasizing their lack of communication and how that contributed to their
disagreements, it imparts a lesson to the audience that problems can be harder to solve when
communication isn't had at the beginning of important decisions.

Moving in together is one of the many decisions Eckler and her partner made hastily, but
the same can be said for the conception of their shared child, Holt. Although Eckler refers to Holt
being a blessing, the issues of how (1) how quick they decided to have him and (2) the ridiculous
manner in which the decision ended up being made became problematic: "One of the men he was
paired up to golf with had remarried after divorce and had a reverse vasectomy to have a baby with
his second wife" (p. 52), eventually arose and caused irrevocable damage to their relationship. As
the reader, seeing all these events occur within six months, the red flags were extremely glaring
and the problems that came from it seemed avoidable, or at least less detrimental, with proper
thought and lengthy discussions.

Eckler recalls constantly fighting with her husband many years before they eventually
divorced, the question rises why the relationship had not ended when the bad continuously began
to outweigh the good. A prominent theme Eckler touches on throughout the book is love. There
are many people throughout the book she recalls having love for, but an interesting factor she
brings forth is the complexity of love. Eckler reflects on the love she still feels for her ex-partner:
"in many ways, I still love him." (p. 38). Though Eckler may still love her ex-partner, the love she
has for him differs from the love she has for her current partner and this contrast further emphasizes
the complex nature surrounding the concept of love. The strongest love of all displayed by the author is the love she has for her eldest biological child, Rowan. Suppose the fact she may have had more time to bond with her separately, Eckler has an undying love and loyalty for her daughter Rowan which at times clouded her judgement when it comes to exclusion in the family as mentioned before. The love she illustrates regarding Rowan compared to the love for her two stepdaughters differs drastically but despite these differences, they still are, undeniably, feelings of love whether they are the same or not.

Throughout the book, there are striking examples of how both, Eckler and her partner, engage in manipulation tactics towards each other along with moments of both, or at least one of them, displaying narcissistic tendencies. Those issues, which undeniably contributed to the downfall of their matrimony, can be further studied by academic audiences such as sociologists, psychologists, social workers, and child and youth care workers as these professions are focused on or at least have branches within family studies that can further analyze those specific conflicts that effected Eckler's relationship or the overall reason of why she, her partner, and their children were incapable of successfully blending. One more academic audience that this book can be beneficial to is lawyers, specifically divorce lawyers because as Eckler said: "I read that sixty-six percent of blended families don't make it." (p. 130).

Eckler concludes her book by reflecting on her relationship and if there could have been anything done that could have saved her relationship, but in the end, she joyfully relishes in the tranquility of no longer being in a blended family. She states:
Again, this is my story. We couldn't make blended splendid, but many do. I bow down to successful blended families, because it really is 'so, so hard.' For the first time in years, I feel free. I am free from all the bullshit of blending and the toll it took on me emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I feel like me again. I'll never be 100 percent certain if we tried hard enough, but I'm now happy. No longer are there any more arguments held in the backyard. My house is clutter-free, literally and emotionally (p. 272).

Eckler's tendency to heavily emphasize mainly the negative aspects of her experience of blending coupled with her occasional hypocrisy toward certain situations makes Eckler's overall intent in writing this book abundantly unclear. This book is difficult to recommend to anyone whether they have plans to blend or not because although some aspects can be seen as genuinely helpful, there are other aspects that paint blending in an extremely negative and off-putting light. At one end, this can be seen as a one-sided, unfiltered tell-all on all the ways she could not succeed in blending, on another end, it can be read as a lesson to be learnt for current or future blending families to understand the complexities of love and most importantly, to always communicate. I believe this book is well-written and enjoyable to read due to Eckler's humorous and blunt style of writing, but her inclination to be her partner and his children's behaviour compared to how extremely lenient she is towards her and her daughter's behaviour is unnoticeable at first but as the book goes on, it becomes very blatant and disconcerting.