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Eckler, Rebecca. (2019). **Blissfully Blended Bullshit: The Uncomfortable Truth of Blending Families**. Toronto: Dundurn Press.

Reviewed by: Jazmin Zaparniuk, MacEwan University

Rebecca Eckler’s newest book, “Blissfully Blended Bullshit”, recounts the hard truths about what it is really like to blend families, an arrangement that is quickly becoming a common family makeup. Eckler opens up about her innermost thoughts and feelings and shares the intimate details about her journey as she and her boyfriend attempt to blend households and navigate their new roles with their bio/bonus children, in-laws, exes, and each other. Rebecca’s blunt, brutally honest writing style, although sometimes controversial, sheds light on the challenges and harsh realities that are not often spoken about when considering family blending. As Eckler shares her personal experiences with readers, certain themes surface, such as the unexpected effect blending has on everyone, the existence of different/unequal love, and the difficulty of balancing priorities.

One of the more noteworthy themes demonstrated in this story is how the process of family blending affects multiple people, “including people you’d never consider, like exes, or ex-in-laws, and even the dog.” (p. 12). Eckler goes on to explain that everyone in her blended family has their own perception of what their role in each other’s lives is (p. 13). From this perspective, it is understandable that people living in the same household but experiencing different realities would be affected in differing ways during the process of blending. Rebecca quickly realizes that she and
Boyfriend will not be the only ones affected by the merging of their families after she calls her ex, her daughter's bio father, to tell him that Boyfriend is moving in and that she is pregnant (p. 35). This meant that ex's daughter would have three new siblings that were not related to him, and that another male figure would get to see her every day; changes that would have an impact on anyone. Additionally, both Rebecca's daughter and Boyfriend's two daughters instantly gain siblings, which comes with "people to share their space with" (p. 28). Rebecca's bonus-daughters now must share a room and live in a new neighborhood without any friends part-time. Eventually, Eckler even states that she feels sorry for baby Holt for having two parents who are together and live in the same house (p. 57). The author recognizes how illogical such a thought sounds, but she is also recognizing that Holt will also be affected by the blending because he will see his sisters "go off and have these separate lives and great adventures, while he's stuck at home with us." (p. 57). Eckler continues to reflect on how difficult blending can be throughout her book, and how it affects everyone in and out of the family (p. 139), a concept that deserves significant consideration when attempting to blend families.

The existence of different types of love is another theme that arises within Eckler's book. We first get a glimpse of this when Rebecca describes a family dinner she had with Boyfriend's mother, Nana. When Nana confesses that grandchildren are "not the same when they're not your own" (p. 74), Rebecca seethes at the idea that Nana may not love Rowan as much as her biological grandchildren and feels the need to defend her "daughter's right to equal love" (p. 75). However, Eckler begins to question whether she loves Boyfriend's children as much as her biological children. One of Eckler's friends is even surprised that Rebecca does not recognize that it is different
ferent with stepchildren, and that pretending love is equal within a blended household can cause
larger issues (p. 77). Soon, Eckler comes to realize that perhaps love is not equal when it comes to
a blended family (p. 78). Another friend of Rebecca's admits that she finds it "very hard to love
non-biological ones" and that she becomes extremely protective when her husband's kids are being
mean to hers (p. 78). Additionally, when Boyfriend's daughter would cry in fear that he loves
Rebecca more than her, Boyfriend would explain that it is simply a "different kind of love" (p.
158). These examples continue to demonstrate that although it sounds harsh, it may not be realistic
to pretend that the same type of love and equal love for non-biological/bonus children exists.

Another theme within “Blissfully Blended Bullshit” is the difficult task of balancing
priorities within a blended household. On numerous occasions, Eckler expresses not feeling like a
priority within her blended family; “mostly (she) no longer feels like Boyfriend's priority” (p. 140).
However, Boyfriend also doesn’t feel like a priority when Rebecca lets Rowan enter their bedroom
multiple times to say goodnight (p. 209), and questions whether she should prioritize Boyfriend or
Rowan in this situation. On another occasion, after Eckler notices that Boyfriend's screensaver
only includes his biological children and excludes Rowan, she explains that this triggers all the
times that she has felt left out (p. 93). At one point, Eckler even admits that everyone just wants to
“feel like they’re always someone's priority and to not feel left out…” (p. 104), and that she will
never let Rowan feel that way, clearly demonstrating that her biological daughter will always be
her priority. Eckler expresses her frustrations with “so-called experts” for giving mixed advice;
“many say you need to make your partner a priority…Other experts say that kids should always
be the priority. So which fucking is it?” (p. 209). This reveals the significant yet unfortunate truth
that perhaps divided loyalties will always exist within a blended family.

Although Eckler's blunt and unapologetic approach is one of the greatest strengths of "Blissfully Blended Bullshit", it can also be one of its greatest weaknesses. Rebecca's unfiltered thoughts do provide a refreshing, honest perspective that offers insight into the mental and emotional toll that family blending can have on a person; however, it is the very same unapologetic attitude that makes the author and her book unpleasant to the reader at times. Eckler is often caught being hypocritical; for example, it is difficult to be sympathetic towards Eckler's complaints about not being prioritized by Boyfriend when she often makes it clear that Rowan will always be her priority, stating that she "needs to find a way to show Boyfriend is a priority, even though, obviously, if push came to shove, [she'd] take [her] daughters side" (p. 209). Another example involves the hurt Eckler felt when she was left out on the night of her bonus daughter's prom night yet continued to explain how she does not invite Boyfriend to Rowan's Visitor Day at camp because "some days are reserved for biological parents" (p. 207). These conflicting views give off a sense of immaturity, although Rebecca does admit early on that her feelings are often irrational and immature (p. 14); a level of accountability and vulnerability that can be respected.

Although by the end of the book, it seems more like an outlet for Eckler to criticize and express her disdain for her now ex-boyfriend, I think her intentions were to help people learn from her mistakes and to share the type of bullshit they will have to deal with if/when they decide to blend families, something perhaps she wished she had beforehand. For improvement, I would suggest Eckler use a less biased, critical tone to make the story more enjoyable and relatable. This could possibly be done by including the thoughts and opinions of her previous family members
who were also involved in the blending process, as all the outside perspectives that she includes in
her story are from her own friends, who would be expected to corroborate with her.

“Blissfully Blended Bullshit” is a humorous, captivating, and refreshingly candid memoir of a family’s journey as they attempt to blend households. Rebecca Eckler’s story is worth telling, and I would recommend it to anyone who has gone through blending/unblending, is going through it, or even considering it. I think this book is great for someone seeking validation and to know they are not alone in their blending experience; however, I would not recommend it to someone looking for effective strategies or steps for making the process easier. I believe this book would also be beneficial for family/sociological studies and social workers, as blended families are becoming increasingly more common, and these areas often analyze the development of “family”. Even though this story does not necessarily have a happy ending, Ecklers brutally honest voice paints a necessary picture of the realities of blending families.