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Zafar, Samra. (With Meg Masters). (2019). *A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose*. Toronto: HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

Reviewed by: Lana Bazelewick, MacEwan University

In her memoir "A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose," Samra Zafar recounts her courageous and inspiring journey of surviving physical and emotional abuse in an arranged marriage. At sixteen years old, she finds herself trapped in an unfamiliar country and a marriage that controls all elements of her life. Samra dreams of escaping this unchosen life and pursuing her educational aspirations and autonomy. She gives hope to her childhood desires of having it all and the ability to "do things differently" (p. 38) than the women around her. Throughout her book, Zafar engages her audience with personal memories of her childhood growing up in Pakistan, moving to Canada, and marriage to Ahmed. By capturing these experiences with raw honesty, Zafar gives a cultural context to her journey and highlights the many obstacles she faced. This allows her audience meaningful insight and creates the space to empathize deeply with her situation, making her story even more powerful. Her words give abuse victims a solid guiding voice to propel them forward in their empowering journey.

Samra begins her memoir with details from her childhood growing up in Pakistan. It is here that Samra sets the contextual foundation that reveals the cultural and familial expectations that worked to influence and shape her life. Samra shares her mother and father's dynamic and often volatile marital union. She recalls how she and her sisters often hid in the closet to escape the traumatic scene. There is a telling admission from Zafar: bearing witness to these domestic disputes repeatedly leads to the acceptance of the "home as an unpredictable place" (p. 19). This instability Illustrates how childhood exposure to violence, especially within the home of a
developing child, can have serious long-term emotional and social consequences. As violence in the environment becomes normalized and internally accepted, a cycle and pattern of abuse can weave through families intergenerationally. This pattern of abuse was one of the driving factors that continued to motivate Samra in her darkest moments to leave Ahmed and her abusive marriage behind. The thought that her daughters would come to accept and face the same abuse that she exemplified gave her the strength to enact her meaningful change.

Despite the domestic disputes between Samra's parents, they were positive influences in many other ways with more progressive ideals of women. Her mother "was a true role model" (p. 12) as an educated elementary school teacher who valued higher education for females. But Samra's relationship with her father was particularly special to her as he encouraged her to grow her mind and gave her the independence to do so. He supported her love for sports as she described her involvement in cricket, tennis, and squash and how she was often a minority female amongst the males in the group. Perhaps those early experiences of guidance and support where Samra's father taught her "that fear could be stifling" (p. 15) and his determination to make her face it proved to give her internal strength to endure when leaving her abusive husband. As a child, there was an unmistakable drive and confidence within Samra that was nurtured and accepted by her parents leading to her ability to push back on the constraints she would continually face.

The concept of marriage within Samra's family and culture continuously reinstates that a woman's worth depends on her marital union. As Samra contemplates whether or not to accept Ahmed's proposal, the pressure from the women around her envelope her young mind in a way that leaves little room to reason much else. All the female influences around her work hard to persuade her to marry Ahmed. Their messages are clear – an unwed woman is not only a failure but is also vulnerable to the unwanted advances of other men. A husband will not only provide a women's worth but also provide protection and security. This fact leaves little doubt that "the most important thing is that a woman gets married" (p. 36). As the overpowering messages begin
to invade Samaras' mind, she concludes that marrying Ahmed would be her best option and provide an opportunity for Canadian education that she may not otherwise receive. As she prepares for her wedding, the day many girls dream of; she remarks, "The Samra I knew was gone: my youth had indeed been erased by layers of rogue and eyeliner" (p. 55).

When Samra moved to Canada and left her family and all aspects of her old life behind, she became more vulnerable to the future abuse she would endure. Soon after arriving in her new home country, Samra became pregnant with Aisha, her oldest daughter. And the realities of her marriage becoming increasingly evident. Her once kind and gentle husband transformed into a controlling and jealous partner suspicious of her every move. Insisting that she wear a hijab to cover herself from the gaze of other men to name calling and physical abuse. With that came accusations exemplified in one instance when he berated her in front of his friend "you love talking with other men. You're just a shameless whore" (p. 153) he spouted at her. Ahmed also used other controlling tactics by monitoring her computer chats through spyware and even taping a phone he had given her.

The abuse Samra endured was not limited to Ahmed; Amma, his mother, and his father, Aba, also contributed to the verbal degradation of Samra's character. They often used Samra as their punching bag, shaming her for her every move and tearing her down when the opportunity arose. Samra was also physically constricted within the home as it was her job to always be present in the same room as Amma and Abba. She was not only a prisoner in her own home but was also not permitted access to leave the house alone. She even feared being in the backyard to long as the prying eyes of men passing by may enrage Ahmed.

As the years passed, the abuse increased and began following a recognizable cycle. Flowing back and forth from name-calling to physical violence and then to guilt as Ahmed tried to reconcile within himself through small, kind gestures. Samra highlights the love she had felt for her husband at times and the hope that one day the happy marriage they had in the very beginning would return. Even justifying and downplaying the abuse in her head, reasoning that
"these small smacks didn't mean we were beaten" (p. 127). These unrealistic hopes and justifications for her abuser's actions are essential elements that many victims of domestic abuse share and often keep them in the relationship. Through Samra's honest admissions lies the most vital purpose of her memoir – to help other victims of domestic abuse feel supported and know they are not alone. Despite the cultural backlash and negative opinions of divorced women, she maintained her sense of self and created a life she and her daughters could be proud of.

Throughout the years of verbal and physical abuse, Samra's strength and determination continued to shine. These elements are shown through her various independent business, mainly tutoring children and opening a successful day home. These ventures helped Samra gain confidence in her world and established her ability to acquire the funds to buy her first vehicle. They were ultimately affording her more independence. When Samra began attending the University of Toronto, her world opened in a way she had not imagined. A new growing support system became available as she made friends and contacts that helped in many ways as her marriage dissolved. She credits those who loved and supported her and viewed her as equal creating an environment where she could succeed (p.327).

"A Good Wife" highlights several relevant aspects of women currently in an abusive relationship and the effects of the trauma that persist even after they have left. I would recommend her memoir to anyone in an unhealthy relationship and those who have succeeded in breaking away from abuse. I think Samra's resilient journey is an authentic account of a woman who had her entire identity stripped from her and how she managed to regain it and be a positive role model for others in that position.

Zafar is an inspiration for anyone struggling with domestic abuse but also truly motivational for anyone looking to better their current life situation. She provides an outline of thought and action that can influence others in a positive direction. This book would be a helpful addition to those studying Sociology, Psychology, social work, and women and gender studies.
Various elements could make for interesting discussion and further research. I would also recommend it to anyone wanting insight into intergenerational abuse.