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Zafar, Samra (with Meg Masters). (2019). *A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose - A Memoir*. Toronto: Harper Collins.

Reviewed by: Erica Anderson, MacEwan University

Samra Zafar's memoir "A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose" was written in collaboration with Meg Masters and told the empowering story of Zafar's journey to break free from the arranged marriage that she had been made to believe would be her chance at furthering her education. Zafar's story captures the painstaking years she went through to escape an abusive marriage while facing the deeply rooted religious and cultural stigmas against her. In particular, the book calls attention to domestic abuse and the idea that no matter the culture or religion, it should no longer be a taboo subject of discussion. Driving her to have the strength to fight for her agency and freedom were her daughters, Aisha and Sonia, who were and continue to be Zafar's shoulders to lean on. Her ambition to achieve a university education becomes the dream that she holds onto during each suffering hour and empowers her to, after many failed attempts, get freedom from her husband, Ahmed, and achieve the education her father had hoped for her when she was young. Zafar recounts her experiences with passion and bravery and focuses on the importance of domestic abuse, education and community.

Years of generational trauma were passed down to Zafar by her mother and father's relationship. Despite witnessing her father abuse her mother, these fights were always reconciled, and Zafar remarks that even "after the worst of their fights, harmony always settled once again"
(p. 22). This upbringing had given Zafar the expectation that marriages operated in such a way that husbands could abuse their wives, and happy times would still resume. In Zafar's marriage, the abuse she observed in her parents repeated in hers; after a physical attack by Ahmed, Zafar reminded herself that "after all, the kick hardly hurt. It was like the occasional slap my father gave my mother. These small smacks didn't mean we were being beaten" (p. 127).

Zafar had been raised to believe this mistreatment was normal and her fault while additionally being plagued by the constant and not-so-subtle reminders that it was her responsibility to keep her husband happy and remain an obedient wife. These ideals were further reinforced to Zafar by those in her culture who frowned upon divorced women as it was believed that it was the woman's fault that the marriage had failed.

Additionally, it was not only the normalization of abuse by Zafar's parents that kept her from leaving but the feeling that she had no way to escape the relationship. Many victims of domestic abuse feel trapped for various factors, including the threat of losing one's child, poor financial security, fear tactics or false promises from the abuser. Zafar experienced many of these abusive techniques performed by her husband and in-laws. Fear tactics were used by Zafar's mother-in-law when reminding her that "if you were to leave, the government would give Aisha to Ahmed since you have no education and no money" (p. 127). Furthermore, abusers will often diminish the effects of their actions through the notion of apologizing or gift-giving, much like when Ahmed would offer up fast food and an apology after an outburst on Zafar. This vicious cycle Zafar knew all too well would eventually be introduced to her and begin her first steps toward standing up for herself.
Education is highlighted as being of significant importance to Zafar, and it would help her learn what abuse is and how to regain her independence. While attending school at the University of Toronto, Zafar went to her first counselling session, an eye-opening moment that introduced her to the term abuse. Before receiving an outsider's opinion on her situation, Zafar believed that if she "had managed things better, been a good wife, a better daughter-in-law, a more compliant women, I could of prevented my husband's outbursts" (p. 230). However, after being shown a diagram entitled "The Cycle of Abuse," (p. 231), Zafar stated, "It was as if someone had recorded the rhythms of my married life" (p. 231). This new-found knowledge that Zafar was a victim and was not at fault in her situation boosted her with the reassurance she needed to speak up for herself. Additionally, learning that children raised in abusive homes can lead to similar circumstances when those children grow up further pushed Zafar to get away from her abuser for the sake of her daughters.

After a decade of feeling like a prisoner in her own home, it is a moment of pure triumph for Zafar while crossing the stage at convocation, finally divorced from her abuser. She recalls a time just a few years earlier when she was "imagining myself on stage. I would hold my hand out in front of me, smiling as some gowned phantom placed a university diploma in my outstretched palm" (p. 125). Zafar's desire for an education lured her into an abusive marriage, yet that desire ultimately becomes the very thing that motivates her to get freedom and success. There was a time during her marriage Zafar felt "There was no way out. My eyes were closed, but I could see walls closing in on me, my life narrowing to a small dark space. Everything drained from me - hope, joy, light itself" (p. 124). After Zafar's story had been published in the "Express Tribune", there
came an outpouring of gratitude from men and women who knew these feelings of helplessness all too well. Using her own experience, Zafar recognizes the difficulties of escaping and advocates that to prevent abuse from occurring, "the answer lies in education, providing everyone with knowledge of what abuse looks like and how one can find themselves in an abusive relationship" (p. 330). Overall, the objective of Zafar's memoir is to break the silence on the discussion of abuse and create a community for survivors, concluding that "millions of silences are still waiting to be broken. And because, sometimes, just telling my story can prevent it from being repeated" (p. 337). This a powerful message that Zafar continues to spread in an effort to help those who have lost their agency.

Zafar's memoir is a tragic yet triumphant story that provides readers with a first-hand perspective on the effects of abuse. The book effectively showcases the Cycle of Abuse during her relationship with Ahmed, making it useful source material for disciplines that focus on abuse. Suitable audiences for the memoir include those that work in psychology, sociology, human resources, women's helplines and shelters for survivors of abuse. More than ever, the memoir can and did rescue many women from the hands of their abusers. Individuals enduring abuse often blame themselves for their circumstances, much like Zafar had before finding counselling. For this reason, her memoir effectively reinforces that the abuse is not their fault nor deserved. Zafar says, "All the people I met changed their own lives. But what they needed was someone to believe in them and show to them they were not alone" (p. 329). By continuing to share her story, Zafar is providing other survivors with a sense of community to know that they are not alone. The book
was an incredibly insightful read; even though I do not personally relate to her situation, I felt deeply sympathetic to the trauma she survived. I have no critics of the memoir. The struggles Zafar faced are told with great care and candour. I would recommend this book to anyone as I found it very informative on the topic of surviving abuse, and overall, it left me feeling empowered.