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Eckler, Rebecca. (2019). **Blissfully Blended Bullshit: The Uncomfortable Truth of Blending Families.** Toronto: Dundurn Press.

Reviewed by: Sheereen Eidelkhani, MacEwan University

Rebecca Eckler’s book, “Blissfully Blended Bullshit,” discusses the hardships from when her family and her boyfriend’s family became a blended family. Eckler’s recount of her blended family’s dynamic across many years is straightforward, blunt, and unfiltered. When members of her blended family advised her to be cautious when writing this book that would include personal details of their lives, Eckler made it clear that this is “a story worth telling” (p. 12). Not only does Eckler expose “the gargantuan reality of adjusting to life in a blended family” throughout this book, but she also talks about what she has learned regarding her “relationship while blending” as “blending families affects everyone” (p. 12). A statistic “that 66 percent of blended families don’t make it” (p. 130) is repeatedly brought up by Eckler, as she expresses not wanting to be part of the high number of families that end up “unblending.” Eckler points to numerous times where members of her blended family, herself included, have been selfish and hypocritical throughout the years, admitting “many times, my dark, jealous, resentful side surfaces, and often my feelings are completely irrational and immature, to the point that it horrifies even me” (p. 14).

There are times when Eckler and her boyfriend make decisions spontaneously based on their selfish desires without discussing or rationalizing the effects of those actions on their lives. They do not consider how rapidly blending their lives will impact others, including their respective
children, family members, and exes. Eckler's desire for a baby between her and her boyfriend soon became an ultimatum, a selfish need she set her heart on since the children in their blended family share a home with a different parent half the time. Although they eventually had this baby together, Eckler confirms her selfishness in that the baby "would be the constant. Holt wouldn't leave. Holt wouldn't have other people. Boyfriend and I would be it. Holt would be the one and only entity in the walls of the house that was both of ours equally" (p. 49). Her reasons for blending so early with her boyfriend included factors that stemmed directly from their selfishness, such as driving to see each other being time-consuming, being in love, and the baby on the way (p. 29). Over the years, one of the increasing causes of issues in their relationship was the division of responsibility regarding money, as Eckler felt she contributed significantly more financially. After multiple years of blending, Eckler talks about her boyfriend's selfishness regarding belongings and money during their separation. The spreadsheets he sent over email went from "listing which items he thinks are his and which he thinks are mine and what he's willing to leave me 'for a price'" (p. 257) to "him demanding that I now owe him money" (p. 259).

Multiple times in the book, Eckler highlights the hypocrisy within blended families, where one's expectations do not align with their actions. During a conversation about grandchildren, her boyfriend's mother mentioned that "it's not the same when they're not your own" (p. 74). This comment shocked and enraged Eckler as she immediately took it to mean that her boyfriend's parents do not love her biological daughter, Rowan, as much as they love their son's children, who are biologically related to them. Later on, when Eckler's mother mentions that she has five grandchildren instead of seven grandchildren, Eckler realizes the hypocrisy of her expectations
towards her boyfriend's parents because "as much as Nana's words sting, my parents feel the same way about Boyfriend's children" (p. 81). Although she did not want to believe it to be true, Eckler could not deny that love is not equal when it comes to blended families, as the way she treats and protects her biological children differs from her boyfriend's children (p. 83). The new screensaver Eckler notices on her boyfriend's phone further points to the hypocrisy in their blended family as it becomes an argument between the couple. She was upset that the new screensaver on his phone was a picture of his three biological children but excluded Eckler's biological daughter, Rowan. Eckler is again met with the hypocrisy of her expectations when her boyfriend points out that her screensaver excludes all the other children, as it is a picture of only Rowan (p. 89). Even though Eckler can not deny that her actions are not in line with her expectations, hypocrisy continues to exist within their blended family.

Throughout the book, Eckler demonstrates the desire to make her blended family work against the odds while simultaneously discussing her naivety in comparing her relationship with her boyfriend to the relationship of the couple that initially set them up on a blind date. Up until the double date, Eckler thought her friend was "living a splendid blended life" but quickly found out that "all the social media posts of their picture-perfect blended family" (p. 23) were far from the truth. Finding out that her friend was miserable while witnessing what seemed to be constant bickering in her friend's relationship resulted in Eckler comparing their relationship to her relationship with her new boyfriend. She decides that her relationship is better off than her friend's and takes it as a sign to continue their spontaneous relationship with swift decisions, ultimately leading to the blending of both homes. Eckler notes an unpleasantly high statistic that is "definitely
a wakeup call. Again and again, I read that 66 percent of blended families don't make it. These are pretty shitty odds. I don't want to be part of that cringe-worthy statistic. But I also realize that we are far from unique" (p. 130). Eckler mentions multiple friends who ended up being part of that statistic, including her friend who helped set her up with her boyfriend. After years of trying to make their blended family work, their "friends now truly seem to detest each other" (p. 132). She points to her naivety regarding her relationship and the high chance of "unblending" by stating, "I still think Boyfriend and I will be the exception to these statistics. Sure, we basically just jumped off a cliff to blend our families. So fucking what? Wheee!" (p. 131). Ultimately, the issues and contentions in Eckler's blended family did not stand the test of time as "after two years of fighting a losing battle, Boyfriend and I are now part of that cringeworthy statistic. We are part of the 66 percent of blended families who have broken up. We have followed in the footsteps of the friends who set us up" (p. 249).

This book addresses the intended topic of challenges that are a reality for blended families.
As Eckler mentioned, people do not want to disclose the hardships behind "closed doors after years
of blending, and that it seems to get worse for many of us, not better" (p. 131). Although the
repeated anecdotes from her friend's experiences helped me better understand Eckler's
circumstances and the commonality of struggles in blended families, I find it suggests an
unintended absolute that all blended families are bound to fail. It would have been helpful to
include positive anecdotes from friends in blended families, if any.

Academic audiences interested in reading this book would include sociology students,
social workers, and counsellors, as these audiences are either learning about behaviours and dyna-
mics within a family or working in a field that directly involves complex family dynamics. Even though we did not see multiple perspectives from the different members of her blended family in this book, Eckler did this deliberately to emphasize the complex dynamics within blended families.

The book did not attempt to pass over the irrational and, at times, immature thoughts and decisions the author made throughout the years. Eckler does an excellent job of highlighting that this text puts into words the complicated emotions an individual goes through that others may not be privy to in a blended family based on personal experiences.