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Zafar, Samra (with Meg Masters). (2019). *A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose*. Toronto: HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

Reviewed by: Miracle Onyeso, MacEwan University

Samra Zafar's book, "A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose", is a memoir through which she tells her heartbreaking yet inspiring story in detail of how her life changed significantly from living a stress-free and independent childhood in Abu Dhabi with her family, to living in an abusive marriage in Canada as a young adult and to eventually gaining back her freedom. As a teenager, Zafar had many dreams she wished to accomplish to instill a sense of meaning and a purpose in her life; one of them was to acquire a post-secondary education but this dream was initially taken away when she instantly married a man eleven years her senior at the age of seventeen. Zafar's husband, Ahmed Khan and his family promised her countless times that the marriage and move to Canada would be a fulfillment of her dreams but as time went by, after facing both physical and emotional abuse while living in a prisoned marriage filled with constant fear and being labelled as her husband's property, Zafar soon realized that all those promises were nothing but empty, broken words. Soon after the birth of her two daughters, she was now more than ever determined to build a new future for herself. She eventually got the opportunity to attend the University of Toronto and as of today, she is a mentor and public speaker who uses her story to inspire others. Throughout her book, Zafar illustrates the importance of fighting for a life of
freedom, especially for women and girls, causing her story to have a positive impact on so many
lives.

One central theme I observed in Zafar's book is that of her Islamic religion. Zafar brings forth awareness of the role of religion and how it retains a strong negative impact on women with regard to condoning abuse and rules of their bodies. For instance, wearing a hijab is supposed to be a woman's choice and it should indeed not be forced on anyone because as human beings, we all deserve the right to do what we want no matter what religion we believe in. In Zafar's case, this was completely different as her husband frequently forced her to wear a hijab due to his own jealousy and insecurity. This is evident when Zafar's husband says "Samra, would you mind wearing a hijab to class? it's just that I don't like other men looking at your hair" (p. 84). Out of the love and respect Samra had for her husband, she would wear the hijab to make him happy because if she didn't do as he requested, he would begin to call her terrible names such as "a whore" or "a bitch" together with making her think she was not worthy of being a good wife and mother.

Throughout Zafar's memoir, one can see that Islamic religion was repeatedly used to permit spousal abuse. According to Samra's mother-in-law, she stated that "it is perfectly permissible in Islam for a man to hit his wife. It's written in the Koran. And other women have it much worse than you do, but they still stay" (p. 127). Being a woman herself, one would think that Samra's mother-in-law would sympathize with her situation as well as take notice of her own son's violent behaviour specifically due to the fact that she claimed to have experienced the same things Samra went through with her own mother-in-law but instead her statement simply implied that spousal
abuse in a marriage is seen as normal in Islam and it is better for her to keep quiet and endure it rather than stand up for herself by leaving the marriage as that will cause her to be seen as a disgrace to their religion. When Zafar eventually left her marriage, she stated that "it wasn't just the loss of Ahmed and her marriage that made her ache" (p. 294) but she also dealt with isolation and resentment from her family and those in the Islamic community as they believed she had ruined her family's dignity just because she desired a healthier life for her and her daughters.

Another central theme in Zafar's memoir is her Islamic culture. Every culture has its own severe rules that must be obeyed. For Zafar, instead of being encouraged to pursue a higher education, she was expected to get married at the young age of seventeen so that she wouldn't miss out on the opportunity of being taken care of by a good man. This is because her culture believes that after a woman gets to a certain age, no man will find her attractive nor even dare to think of marrying her. This situation caused Samra to become worried because she clearly was not ready to leave her family and friends yet but at the same time she didn't want to be perceived as a disappointment in the future. The only reason why she accepted the marriage proposal in the first place was because her husband's family promised her a bright life which "was to further her education" (p. 111) once she moved to Canada but instead, she found herself being forced to follow their faith. Zafar was now living a miserable life filled with domestic abuse as her husband and his parents controlled her. Nothing Samra did seemed to please them and whenever she would make small mistakes, she was always judged as being a bad wife since she wasn't the kind of wife they expected her to be and this caused a lot of conflict between them.

The role of being a submissive obedient wife is highly emphasized in Zafar's culture. A great
example of this statement is when her husband's sister, Fatima took her up to Ahmed's room on their wedding night to help her to be fully prepared for her first intimate night with her husband. Fatima says to her, "never stop your husband if he wants to do something as that will just upset him" (p. 69). This statement brings us back to where I had mentioned earlier about the rules of a woman's body. Like Samra, many women's bodies are seen as their husbands' property causing them to be under their husband's control.

Essentially, culture plays a huge role in a woman's life with reference to her duties and responsibilities as a wife and with it, comes a lot of expectations in the Islamic community. Zafar's mother-in-law voiced that "it is a good wife's duty to make things better. After all, you need to keep your family together" (p. 127). This reveals that in Islamic culture, women are expected to make their marriage work. However, I think otherwise because marriage should not be one-sided and if there are any issues a couple faces in their relationship, they both need to find a solution to fix their issues. For an excellent marriage to become successful, both parties must be ready to make an effort to work together because placing all that burden on a woman can cause a lot of physical, emotional, and mental damage.

To conclude, I have zero critiques of Zafar's book as I thought it was perfectly written, captivating, inspiring and very easy to read and comprehend. Her book offers many lessons we can all learn from such as being strong during difficult times, realizing that abuse shouldn't be kept hidden because there are people who will be willing to listen and help us when in crisis, and valuing your self-worth. Social science disciplines such as sociology and psychology may benefit from this book. Other disciplines like counselling, social work and therapy may also make the most out
of this book. I strongly recommend “A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose” to anyone
that is experiencing spousal abuse and is looking for a way out.