Picard: Captain's log, Stardate 42402.7. We are traveling in the Omega Sagitta system traversing between twin planets that form the Coalition of Madena. Both worlds is populated by a humanoid race which colonized the planets two centuries ago, and which now co-exist under a precarious but successful treaty.
Worf: Unidentified vessel approaching.
Data: Sensor readings show it to be a small class-nine vessel, probably an interplanetary cargo ship.
Worf: One life sign aboard, sir. It appears to be humanoid.
Data: I have its call sign now, sir.
Worf: Confirmed. Armed with lasers only.
Data: Its cargo holds are empty. The readout shows its guidance system is malfunctioning. The pilot is attempting to hold course manually.
Riker: I recommend we set the Enterprise on an intercept course in case he needs emergency assistance.
Picard: Make it so, Mister Crusher.
Riker: We're in position now, Captain.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies.
Worf: Hailing frequencies open.
Picard: On viewer. This is the USS Enterprise. Captain Jean Luc Picard.
Okona: And this is the cargo carrier Erstwhile. Captain Okona at your service, sir. There's no need for your phasers, Captain. I'm harmless and not quite yet ready for mercy killing.
Picard: You were never considered a danger to us, Captain.
Okona: Oh, that's a shame. I can remember when I was at least considered a risk.
Okona: I'm the owner and operator of this craft and since we both know that you've already scanned it, you know I'm alone and empty, which is truly a rare occasion for a man of my charm and talent.
Picard: Mute main viewer. Counselor?
Troi: His emotions suggest that he's mischievous, irreverent and somewhat brazen. The word that seems to best describe him is rogue.
Data: Rogue? Ah. Cad, knave, rake, rascal, villain, wild element.
Troi: Yes, Data, but there is no malevolence or ill will.
Picard: Audio on. You have a burn-out in your guidance system, Captain.
Okona: Whoa. Since you're able to diagnose my problems, how about helping me fix them?
Wesley: Captain, we could easily repair the type of system he uses.
Picard: We can accommodate you, Captain.
Riker: This is the First Officer, sir. If you prepare to shut down your engines, we can lock on the tractor and beam you over here.
Worf: Sir, recommend limited access to our ship.
Picard: Agreed.
Riker: Data, lock on the tractor beam. Transporter Chief, prepare to him beam aboard.
Robinson: Ready on your command, sir.
Okona: Excuse me, Commander. Is that a woman's voice I hear?
Picard: Yes. Now please follow Commander Riker's instructions so our ship can get back to its normal routine.
Okona: Whatever you say, Captain.
Picard: Something funny?
Riker: Well, the unexpected is our normal routine. Hold it steady, Wesley. Ready to link up on my command
Wesley: Aye, sir.
Riker: Easy. Easy. Engage. Captain Okona, shut down your engines.
Okona: Understood.
Riker: Transporter room, prepare for the beaming operation. We're on our way. Wesley, Data, let's go.
Worf: Your weapons, please.
Okona: A Klingon Security officer.
Worf: Yes.
Okona: No wars available, eh?
Okona: It's more of a piece of jewellry than a weapon. A remembrance.
Riker: Welcome aboard, Captain Okona. I'm Commander Riker. If you'll turn over the inoperative part to Commander Data, we can begin repairs.
Okona: I'd be most happy to do the work myself, Commander. I'm sort of the hands-on type.
Riker: I think you'd find the tools we use rather unusual, sir.
Okona: I can believe that. May I at least watch?
Riker: That can be arranged.
Okona: Good then. Commander, I leave this in your capable hands.
Wesley: Sir, this is Commander Data. I'm just an acting ensign.
Okona: Well, acting ensigns have names, don't they?
Wesley: Wesley. Wesley Crusher.
Okona: Nice to meet you Acting Ensign Wesley Wesley Crusher. And thank you for beaming me here and enabling me to see a truly beautiful woman. You have the majestic carriage and loveliness that could surely be traced back to the noblest of families.
Robinson: Well, I'm sure that you've said that to many ladies before, and it was no more true then than it is now.
Okona: But it's how I say it that's really important. The warmth, the attraction that I have for you. The attraction that we share.
Riker: Mister Okona seems to have excellent vision as well as a healthy libido.
Robinson: It's eight oh six.
Riker: Captain Okona, if you follow Commander Data, you can get started right away.
Okona: Now, that's sex appeal.
Data: Sexual attraction in this context is not a part of my programming. I am an android.
Okona: Well, then. Have you seen any good looking computers lately? That's a joke. It's funny.
Data: Ah. Of course it is.
Okona: Will that do what the original did?
Laforge: Sure will, and better. Let me show you. On your old one, the zelebium contacts that wore down and then fused. What I've done is replace them with tricellite.
Okona: Tricellite isn't available in this system. If I ever had to replace it.
Laforge: Don't worry, you won't. Your ship will never outlast this part.
Okona: Because of the part or the way I fly my ship?
Laforge: Well, this part, but the stress test did show that you tend to push your ship a little beyond its design capabilities.
Okona: Blame the pattern of my life, Lieutenant La Forge. Because it relegates me to cargo carrying rather than the grand explorations you enjoy, I'm forced to add a measure of flamboyancy and a zest to the doldrum of my existence.
Okona: Have you ever been cold?
Data: No.
Okona: Warm, then?
Data: No.
Okona: What about drunk? Ever do that?
Data: From alcohol? That is not possible for me, sir.
Okona: Pity. What about love?
Data: The act or the emotion?
Okona: They're both the same.
Data: I believe that statement to be inaccurate, sir.
Okona: Maybe. Life is like loading twice your cargo weight onto your spacecraft. If it's canaries and you can keep half of them flying all the time, you're all right.
Data: I doubt that statement is entirely accurate either, sir.
Okona: Accurate? That was a joke I just told you.
Data: I do not understand.
Okona: You don't know what a joke is?
Data: Of course I do. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a fluctuation of words concluding with a trick ending.
Okona: That's the dictionary meaning. I'm talking about humor, fun. Do you know what funny is? Where is eight oh six?
Data: Right over there, sir. Why?
Okona: You probably wouldn't understand that either.
Robinson: Hello, there.
Riker: Status on the repair?
Laforge: Working on it.
Wesley: Commander, what do you think of Captain Okona?
Riker: Well, Okona is an interesting man, certainly. We've seen how he handles his ship. Apparently he knows how to handle people as well.
Wesley: Then why does he work alone?
Riker: He's a man who lives his life by his own rules. He does what he does by choice. By his choice. Someday you'll make yours.
Wesley: I already have.
Data: So you agree with Okona that I am missing a very important human factor.
Guinan: I never said that. I simply said that I've never seen you laugh.
Data: I am capable of that function when it is expected of me.
Guinan: Data, do you even know what a joke is?
Data: Of course I do. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot, a fluctuation of
Guinan: Stop. Look, it's just you and I here. We're talking, we're having an intimate conversation. Why? Because you're a 'droid and I'm a 'noid.
Data: But why?
Guinan: Because that's what I am.
Data: Have I said something to offend you?
Guinan: No.
Data: Then why are you annoyed?
Guinan: Because you're a 'droid and I'm a 'noid.
Data: Humanoid.
Guinan: Yes.
Data: You told a joke.
Guinan: Yes.
Data: I am not laughing.
Guinan: Yes.
Data: Perhaps the joke was not funny.
Guinan: No, the joke was funny. It's you, Data.
Data: Are you sure?
Guinan: Yes.
Data: I agree. What do I do?
Guinan: Well, under normal circumstances, I'd say seek a higher power. But in your case, probably a smarter computer is in order.
Data: Computer, I wish to know more about humor. Why certain combinations of words and actions make humans laugh.
Computer: Source material on that subject is extensive. Please specify.
Data: Animated presentation, humanoid. Interaction required.
Computer: Physical humor, cerebral, or general raconteur.
Data: Of all performers available, who is considered funniest?
Computer: Twenty third century Stan Orega specialized in jokes about quantum mathematics.
Data: No. Too esoteric. More generic.
Computer: Accessing.
Data: That one. RW nine six three two one, twentieth century.
Computer: Program installlation complete. You may enter.
Comic: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. You've been great. As a matter of fact I'd like to take you home with me. Unfortunately I took the last audience home and there's no more room. Boom, boom. But thank you, really. Thank you. Hey, and thank you for bringing me here. What's up?
Data: Mister Comic, I wish to know what is funny.
Comic: Funny? I don't know. It's a matter of opinion, I guess. Tip O'Neill in a dress? Some people say words that end with a K are funny. A briefcase that looks like a fish. Personally I find that hysterical.
Data: Tip O'Neill. Accessing. Twentieth century male, politician, overweight, wearing female clothing, carrying a valise that looks like a fish. So, the juxtaposition of gender and an amphibian briefcase is funny.
Comic: Well, I think whatever makes you laugh is funny.
Data: Nothing makes me laugh. I wish to learn.
Comic: How much time do we have here?
Data: Unlimited.
Comic: We're going to need it. You, pal, are a tough room.
Data: Tough room? A colloquialism meaning a severe, rigid, closed-minded audience. I understand. I will attempt to be an easy room. Show me what is funny.
Comic: All right, you're on. Jerry Lewis. (The comic goes back on stage and does a Jerry Lewis impression - stupid noises, unintelligible speech with protruding teeth, knocking over the microphone, all that stupid rubbish)
Comic: Mister Robot, would you like to come up?
Data: I am an android.
Comic: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mister Android. Here, teeth. Put them in your mouth. Come up with me. Where'd he go?
Comic: Try, if you would. You go Ha!
Data: That is considered to be funny?
Comic: Actually it brought the house down in Teaneck.
Data: Ah, a word that ends in K. So, if you put funny teeth in your mouth and jump around like an idiot, that is considered funny.
Comic: I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Data: Data.
Comic: Data, did you consider juggling, weird bird calls, stuff like that?
Data: That does not apply. I simply want to know what is funny. I want to be able to involve myself in other people's laughter. I wish to join in.
Comic: I think that's nice. Let's put the physical stuff aside for a while, all right? We'll do some jokes. See, it's not my forte, but I think that would work good for you. If you would just have a seat and we'll try some jokes like. I dunno. We'll start with the classics. See, there's this traveling salesman. now. He's going down the road and his car breaks down, right?
Data: Access faster.
Comic: Comes up on this farmhouse and
Comic: It's probably best when you do something like this. Need a cigar 'cos it's kind a prop kind of thing and you go like this and
Data: Faster. Move to maximum speed.
Data: A guy walks into the doctor's office The doctor tells him you need an operation. The guy says I want a second opinion. The doctor said, okay, you're ugly too. Ba-boom boom. Was that funny?
Guinan: No.
Guinan: Data, you spoiled the joke. It could have been your timing.
Data: My timing is digital. What?
Guinan: That's funny.
Data: Why?
Guinan: It would take too long to explain. Tell me another joke.
Data: A monk, a clone and a Ferengi decide to go bowling together.
Picard: Commander Data, report to the main Bridge immediately.
Data: I will be back.
Guinan: Bring new jokes.
Worf: We have an unidentified at twelve mark four. No response to our enquiries.
Picard: Extend hailing frequencies, all languages, all channels.
Worf: Extending.
Data: Sensors show it to be an interplanetary vessel, sir. Class seven, crew complement twenty six.
Worf: Still no response. Captain, they are now locking lasers on us.
Riker: Lasers?
Worf: Yes, sir.
Picard: Lasers can't even penetrate our navigation shields. Don't they know that?
Riker: Regulations so call for a Yellow Alert.
Picard: A very old regulation. Well, make it so, Number One. And reduce speed. Drop main shields as well.
Riker: May I ask why, sir?
Picard: In case we decide to surrender to them, Number One.
Worf: Still no response to our hail, sir.
Data: It is slowing and is holding its position, Captain.
Worf: Sir, we are now being hailed.
Picard: Viewer on.
Debin: Federation vessel, you have no rights in this solar system. I am Debin of planet Atlec, ordering you to heave to and prepare to be boarded.
Riker: Shades of Gulliver's Travels. He actually meant it.
Picard: But he is right. We are in their solar system. Open a channel.
Worf: Open, sir.
Picard: I am Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. For what reason have you locked your weapons on us?
Debin: Enterprise, you are towing a spacecraft of a known criminal.
Picard: He was in need of emergency repair. It was our obligation to assist.
Debin: You have a man aboard by the name of Okona. I want him.
Picard: On what authority?
Debin: He is guilty of crimes committed on the planet Atlec. I expect him to be turned over to my authority immediately.
Worf: Mute.
Picard: What do you think, Counselor?
Troi: He believes what he's saying. His anger is genuine.
Picard: Open. What crimes are you referring to?
Debin: Neither important nor necessary. I want Okona now!
Wesley: Captain, we have another Class seven armed spacecraft approaching, from the opposite sector.
Riker: Another ship from Atlec?
Data: Similar in specifications and capabilities, but a variation in markings and hailing language.
Picard: Debin, hold this position. Viewer off. Data, identify.
Data: Sensors indicate it a security vessel from the planet Straleb.
Worf: Another glob fly.
Riker: Glob fly?
Data: A Klingon fly, half the size of an Earth mosquito, with no sting and a buzzing sound like this.
Picard: Data. Viewer on. Hailing frequencies.
Worf: Open, sir
Kushell: I am Secretary Kushell from the Legation of Unity of the planet Straleb.
Picard: I am Captain Picard.
Kushell: We know who you are, Captain Picard. We have been monitoring your communications, and we know of the demands made by Debin of planet Atlec.
Picard: Then you're aware that we have no hostile interaction.
Kushell: You only have to concede to one demand.
Picard: That word demand has a tone of finality.
Kushell: It is a word I have chosen. We demand you turn Okona over to us immediately.
Worf: Mute.
Picard: Mister Okona to the Bridge immediately. Open. The same demand has been made by the Atlec legation.
Kushell: I have no interest in their request, but we intend to back up our legal right to Okona.
Picard: I would rather not escalate this situation any further.
Kushell: Our honor and prestige are at stake. We are prepared to take Okona by force and die in the doing of it if necessary.
Picard: I trust that that can be avoided. I will respond to your request shortly. Viewer off.
Worf: Captain Okona has not responded, sir. He's been reported in three different crew quarters.
Picard: Find him. Get him up here.
Worf: Yes, sir.
Worf: You will come with me to the main Bridge.
Okona: I'm sure it can wait a few minutes.
Worf: Now!
Worf: I'd like that. But I have my orders.
Okona: Some other time. Remember what it took to drag me from your arms.
Okona: Am I going to meet Captain Picard?
Worf: Definitely.
Okona: Did I say something funny?
Worf: Captain Picard, this is Thadium Okona.
Picard: Mister Okona, you were welcomed aboard without any undue investigation. In turn it was assumed that you did not come under false pretenses. It now seems that you may have done.
Okona: Captain, if you mean my socializing with the members of the crew?
Picard: Mister Okona, you are free to socialize with the members of my crew. I'm talking about a man named Debin.
Okona: He's from Atlec. I've had dealings with some of his family.
Picard: Then perhaps you can explain why his craft is threatening to attack us unless I give him custody of you.
Okona: I can't.
Picard: Then tell me why Kushell of the planet Straleb is demanding the same thing?
Okona: He's here also?
Picard: And quite adamant. Mister Okona, what crimes are you accused of?
Okona: I am not a criminal.
Picard: Why do these men want you?
Okona: I can't say.
Picard: They're threatening to attack the Enterprise.
Okona: That would be crazy. They wouldn't stand a chance.
Picard: Right. Then you can offer no reason why they are set on this provocative course?
Okona: I can't think of one right now.
Picard: On viewer.
Worf: Which ship?
Picard: What? The first on. Captain Debin. Captain, let me ask you again. What are Okona's crimes?
Debin: That is not your concern.
Picard: It is if you wish me to release him to you.
Debin: All right, you want to know what he did? You want to know why I have chased him across this system? All right. Here, This is his crime.
Debin: He dishonored my daughter. He took advantage of her, then he ran off and left her carrying his bastard child. He'll return, and he'll do the right thing or I'll hunt him to the ends of the galaxy.
Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. Some of the mystery surrounding this ancient morality play we've been dragged into has been revealed. One of Captain Okona's pursuers is an outraged father with a heartfelt, if arcane, sense of righteousness.
Picard: Your advice, Counselor.
Troi: We are dealing with ancient codes involving procreation. While they may be meaningless to us, to Debin they represent his honor. He will fight, risking himself, his crew, his daughter and her unborn child.
Okona: You know, Captain, your Counselor's right. He will fight.
Worf: The captain of the other ship is demanding to be heard.
Picard: I don't suppose you can give me any indication why this man wants you?
Picard: Let's put all this together. Lieutenant Worf, multiple image, full conference mode. Let them all see each other.
Worf: Yes, sir.
Kushell: Here you are, Debin, trying to save this criminal.
Debin: My purpose is not your concern.
Kushell: It is if it involves Okona.
Picard: Gentlemen, please, let's try and resolve this matter. Captain Kushell, what crime has Okona allegedly committed against you?
Kushell: He is a thief. He stole the Jewel of Thesia. A national heritage.
Debin: A thing. An item. My case involves the victimization of my daughter, and my honor. I'll have Okona now.
Kushell: He is mine.
Okona: One at a time. Who accuses me of stealing?
Kushell: I do. My son Benzan and I.
Benzan: Father, please.
Kushell: He used you to become my friend.
Debin: He used my daughter.
Kushell: He used my son to plunder a national treasure.
Worf: Mute.
Picard: Terminate communications. Come with me.
Okona: Captain, you can't be afraid of those two or what they can do to your ship.
Picard: No, they could fire until their lasers ran dry and they wouldn't hurt the Enterprise. My predicament is what to do with you.
Okona: I'm sorry. I'm sorry my ship broke down. I'm sorry you stopped to help. I'm sorry you're involved. But you're right. Whatever happens, however it goes, someone gets hurt. Hand me over to Kushell, and Debin goes to war.
Picard: And if I hand you over to Debin, then it's the same thing.
Okona: I wish I could. I wish I could make it easier.
Picard: I'm sure you do.
Okona: I'm not going to apologize for the way I am or how I live my life, but just for the record, I did not steal the Jewel of Thesia. I am not a criminal, Captain. And as to the other business, that's between me and Yanar, no one else.
Picard: In truth, I simply do not have authority in this matter. I'm not your judge, nor is it my duty to arbitrate. But you are in my custody, and that creates the dilemma.
Okona: How about this? Do what you said. Fix my guidance system and let me leave.
Picard: According to Starfleet regulations, that would be my only course of action. But their ships are faster than yours. I'm not doing you a favor.
Okona: Captain, with all due respect, that's not your concern. Besides, I can take care of myself.
Okona: You're quite a craftsman, Lieutenant La Forge. How soon?
Laforge: What's the rush? I thought you liked it here.
Okona: I did. It stopped liking me. Time to disappear.
Wesley: Where will you go?
Okona: What?
Wesley: I said, where will you go?
Okona: A new place, if I make it.
Wesley: Don't you ever stay anywhere?
Okona: Not for long.
Wesley: I couldn't be like that.
Okona: Oh?
Wesley: I mean, always being alone. Commander Riker says you choose to live the way you do and you like it.
Okona: Is that what he says?
Wesley: Yeah. It would be difficult for me to be leaving all the time. I'd miss my friends, the people I love. I guess leaving's gotten easy for you.
Okona: I seem to have a way of using up a place.
Wesley: I wasn't talking about a place.
Okona: I know. I know what you were talking about.
Laforge: It's ready. You should be able to installl this in roughly five minutes.
Okona: Like you said, Geordi, what's the rush? I have some friends around here. I think it's time to make a stand.
Picard: Mister Okona.
Okona: Captain, I've decided not to leave.
Picard: Oh.
Okona: Don't worry, I'm not staying either.
Picard: Just what are your plans, Mister Okona?
Okona: I've decided to surrender myself.
Riker: To which one?
Okona: There's really only one option.
Picard: Viewer on. Gentlemen, communicating like this is very distracting. I suggest that we beam you up to the Enterprise and we resolve this face to face.
Kushell: Excellent.
Debin: Agreed.
Riker: Leave your weapons behind. Let's keep this civilized.
Picard: Number One, you have the Bridge. Counselor Troi, would you accompany me to deck fourteen conference room. Worf, see to our guests.
Worf: Aye, sir.
Robinson: They have no weapons.
Worf: This way.
Debin: Okona, you are without shame.
Kushell: For once I agree with Debin. You are without shame. I trusted you. My son treated you like a brother. And then to steal from us. I want him now.
Debin: No, he's coming with me. Captain, my complaint was registered first.
Picard: Now please, please, be calm. Lieutenant, thank you.
Okona: Everyone is talking about me, and no one's talking to me. You all believe that I stole the jewel, and that it was I who fathered the child.
Debin: You dare call my daughter a liar?
Okona: And now I'm offered these two choices, and given these two options, condemnation as a thief or marriage to the beautiful Yanar. I will take the more pleasant sentence. I will take Yanar as my wife.
Benzan: No! You can't!
Kushell: My son is right. You can't escape that way.
Benzan: That's not what I mean.
Debin: It's not up to you, or to Okona. I've been dishonored. I will decide.
Yanar: Wait. Since all of you believe Okona is the father of this child, then so be it. I'll marry you.
Benzan: No! You can't.
Yanar: Yes, I can.
Kushell: Okona is still a thief.
Benzan: No, he's not. Nothing has been stolen. The Jewel of Thesia has been taken into custody by its rightful heir. Me. I was to give it to Yanar as our pledge of marriage.
Kushell: Marriage?
Benzan: Yanar is carrying my child.
Debin: You said it was Okona's.
Yanar: If I'd told you it was Benzan you would have gone to war with his father. So I let you believe it was Okona.
Okona: See how a man gets a reputation?
Benzan: If I had told you I was giving the Jewel to Debin's daughter, you'd have disowned me.
Troi: Now we're hearing some truth.
Kushell: So you let me chase Okona when you knew he was innocent.
Benzan: Yes, because I didn't believe for one moment that you could catch him.
Okona: Well, said. He never would have.
Benzan: And once Yanar accepted the Jewel the marriage would have been made.
Yanar: Well, I never got it.
Kushell: Then Okona does have the jewel.
Okona: I never had the chance to deliver it.
Yanar: Anyway it's too late. I won't marry Benzan.
Debin: Then you'll marry Okona.
Yanar: I won't marry anyone!
Data: I have reinstated the same program.
Guinan: Along with some new jokes, I hope.
Computer: Program complete. Enter when ready.
Data: Comic, continue.
Comic: More freebies, huh? No cover, no minimum, just Comic, continue? Tell me, Data, what happened?
Data: I told a joke.
Comic: And?
Data: No one laughed.
Comic: No one? Nobody in the whole room?
Guinan: I was the whole room.
Data: She said I spoiled the joke.
Guinan: Actually, killed would have been a better word.
Comic: You know, Data, I think I know what your problem is. You should always try out new material on an audience.
Guinan: You know, he could be right. Perhaps an audience is what you need.
Data: Computer. Program an audience appropriate to this venue.
Okona: Yanar. You're angry at the embarrassment of all this, and maybe the timing and the approach is not the most romantic, but I know you love Benzan and I don't want to see you throw away that feeling just because your parents have been quarreling for years and don't know how to behave properly. I've carried your messages back and forth for almost six months. I've smuggled each of you into the other's homeland. You feel for him the same way he feels for you.
Yanar: I do love you. It is your child. Our child.
Benzan: Marry me.
Yanar: Yes.
Benzan: We'll find a new planet to live on.
Kushell: You'll live on Straleb.
Debin: No, no, no, no no. You'll live on Atlec.
Kushell: I will not have this man raising my grandson.
Picard: The rest of this is an issue, gentlemen, to be settled between yourselves. Now if you will excuse us, we have business.
Yanar: Thank you, Captain.
Debin: Your grandson?
Kushell: My grandson.
Comic: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming, folks. We got a great show for you tonight. I'm so excited this evening. Tonight I have for you the funny man of the stars, the android of antics, that Lieutenant Commander of mirth. Please give him a nice welcome, ladies and gentlemen, none other than. He's just the best. Data!
Data: Good evening ladies and germs. I come from a town so small, we had a fraction for a zip code.
Guinan: You made a living doing this?
Comic: Yes, I did.
Data: It was so small in fact we didn't have a godfather of crime, we had a nephew. I was so ugly as a child they hung a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me. And then there was the human cannonball who was hired and fired in the same night. Audience program off. Discontinue Comic.
Data: It was a holodeck audience. They were programmed to laugh at everything. Perhaps I should reprogram the audience to display a more accurate response.
Guinan: Data, let me give you one. Being able to make people laugh, or being able to laugh, is not the end all and be all of being human.
Data: No, but there is nothing more uniquely human.
Riker: Hold your speed, Captain Okona. Disengage.
Wesley: Separated.
Okona: I'm under my own power now. Thank you, Enterprise. Thank you, Captain Picard.
Picard: Goodbye, Captain Okona.
Wesley: Bye, Captain Okona. Say goodbye, Data.
Data: Goodbye, Data.
Data: Was that funny? Accessing. Ah. Burns and Allen, Roxy Theater, New York City, 1932. It still works. Then there was the one about the girl in the nudist colony that nothing looked good on?
Worf: We're ready to get underway, sir.
Data: Take my Worf. Please.
Riker: Warp speed, sir?
Picard: Please.


Scene: Medical log, Stardate 42437.5. Ira Graves is arguably the greatest human mind in the universe. For years he's lived in near isolation on a remote planet, devoting full time to his research. Eight hours ago, we monitored a message from his assistant, urgently requesting medical aid. I only hope we can reach him in time.
Picard: Any response from Gravesworld, Mister Worf?
Worf: Nothing sir. Not since their initial communication.
Riker: They send out a plea for help, then they cut off transmission so they can't tell if there's any help on the way. Doesn't make much sense, does it?
Picard: Ensign, what's our ETA at the planet?
Wesley: Thirty six minutes to orbit, sir.
Picard: Starfleet Command considers Graves' work on molecular cybernetics is reaching a critical stage. They consider this a priority one action.
Pulaski: A man is ill, Captain. Treating him is my priority one, regardless of who he is.
Troi: Did Data say why he wants to see us?
Laforge: He said something about his new image. I tell you, he's been acting kind of strange lately.
Troi: How so?
Laforge: Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say he was showing signs of insecurity.
Troi: Yes, but you do know better. Androids don't feel such things.
Laforge: I don't know. Sometimes I think he's becoming more human than any of us realize.
Data: Come in.
Laforge: Data?
Data: Geordi? Is Counselor Troi with you?
Troi: Yes, I'm here, Data. Geordi said you wanted to see us.
Data: Indeed. Or, stated more correctly, I wanted you to see me.
Laforge: Can we come in?
Data: Please.
Laforge: Did you damage your face, Data?
Data: It is a beard, Geordi. A fine, full, dignified beard. One which commands respect and projects thoughtfulness and dignity. Well? Opinions?
Troi: It's er, very different.
Data: When I stroke the beard thusly, do I not appear more intellectual?
Troi: I'm sorry, I have to go now. Goodbye.
Data: Why was she laughing?
Worf: We are receiving a transmission from Gravesworld, sir. It's unfocused. Not directed specifically at us.
Picard: On viewer, Mister Worf.
Kareen: If anyone can hear me, please send a doctor. Things are getting worse.
Picard: Try and raise her, Mister Crusher. Tell them we're only minutes away.
Wesley: It's no good, sir. I don't believe they're receiving us.
Worf: Our records show that she and Graves are the only ones living on the planet, Captain.
Riker: Then what scared her?
Worf: Captain, I am picking up another signal, but it is not from the planet.
Picard: On screen, Mister Worf.
Worf: The signal is very weak, sir. Audio only.
Picard: Pipe it through.
Man: Mayday! Mayday! This is the USS questing emergency assistance. The outer hull is breached and environmental systems compromised. Need assistance.
Wesley: Captain, I show the Constantinople in that general vicinity. She's a transport ship, used to ferry settlers. I'm showing two thousand and twelve colonists aboard.
Riker: Outer hull breach. She must have had an internal explosion.
Pulaski: If that's the case, they'll all be prone to severe hypoxia. Their lives are at risk. We've got to help them.
Picard: And what about Graves?
Pulaski: He's one man.
Riker: Suggestion, Captain. Why don't we execute a long range transport of an away team to assist Doctor Graves at earliest possible moment. We'd come out of warp just long enough to energize the beam.
Picard: A touch and go down warping? Mister Crusher, prepare to make it so.
Wesley: Aye sir.
Picard: Engineering, Mister La Forge. We're going to execute a near warp
Picard: Transport. This may be a little tricky. I would like you to handle it.
Laforge: Yes, Captain.
Laforge: I'm on my way.
Picard: Assemble an away team, Number One. Include whoever the Doctor requires to assist.
Pulaski: Excuse me sir, but there may be hundreds on the Constantinople that require emergency attention. I should be there to supervise.
Picard: All right, who will replace you?
Pulaski: Lieutenant Selar. She has my complete confidence.
Riker: Worf, let's go.
Riker: Phaser on stun, Mister Worf. We don't know what's going on down there. There's no need to take any chances.
Worf: Agreed, sir.
Laforge: Now remember, this is a near warp transport, so the effects may be a little unusual.
Troi: What do you mean?
Riker: You'll see, Counselor. Energize.
Troi: Now wait a minute. I don't understand
Riker: You do now.
Troi: This might sound crazy, but for a moment I thought I was stuck in that wall.
Worf: For a moment, you were.
Data: Data to Enterprise.
Picard: I read you, Commander. Go ahead.
Data: We are inside Graves' home.
Data: All is quiet so far. Of course, no one knew we were coming.
Picard: Use caution, but protect Graves' health
Picard: At all costs.
Data: Understood, sir. I suggest we look around to see if anybody is home.
Worf: No need, Commander.
Kareen: You heard me. Thank God. I'm Kareen Brianon, Doctor Graves' assistant.
Troi: We're from a ship called the Enterprise. We monitored your distress call but then you never acknowledged our response.
Kareen: I'm sorry, I couldn't take the chance.
Troi: Chance? What chance?
Graves: The chance that I might find out someone was coming. Kareen knew full well that I would not be pleased, to put it mildly.
Kareen: I had no choice. I refuse to stand by and watch you deteriorate.
Selar: What symptoms have you noticed?
Kareen: He has pain, shortness of breath, irritability.
Graves: Ridiculous! I'm as healthy as a Rigelian ox!
Kareen: He's not himself, believe me. His temper is completely out of control.
Graves: Nonsense!
Kareen: Ira!
Selar: I am a doctor. Lieutenant Selar.
Graves: No offense, but I don't want you touching me in any way. It's no secret that I don't like people much, and I like doctors even less.
Troi: That's funny, I thought most doctors were people.
Graves: Then you're wrong. Ask any patient. Although I will admit, for a doctor you're not a bad looking woman. Well, well, well, what have we got here? Another lovely specimen of womanhood.
Troi: I thought you didn't like people.
Graves: Women aren't people. They're women.
Troi: I'm Deanna Troi. It's an honor to meet you, Doctor Graves.
Graves: Yes, of course it is. This is one of the truly great moments of your life.
Kareen: Excuse me, sir. Are you a Romulan?
Worf: Hardly.
Graves: He's a Klingon, Kareen. Kareen has lived here since her father died when she was very young. Her only knowledge of unhuman races comes from me. Klingons and Romulans don't look much alike, Kareen, even though they act much alike.
Worf: Must I stand here and be insulted?
Graves: No insult intended, Mister Klingon. You see, Doctor, there's nothing wrong with my hearing. My, my, my, my.
Data: Lieutenant Commander Data
Graves: Shhh! Absolutely no esthetic value whatsoever. Looks like Soong's work.
Data: Quite correct, sir! Did you know Doctor Soong?
Graves: Know him?! I taught him everything he knows. You could say that I was the father of his work. Which kind of makes me your grandfather, doesn't it sonny? Damn doctors! Always sneaking up on one. Attacking from the rear. Go on, gorgeous. Spit it out. Whatever the hell it is, I can take it.
Selar: I've checked twice to make certain. You have Darnay's disease. I'm sorry, Doctor Graves. It's in it's final stage.
Kareen: Can't you do something for him?
Selar: In all cases, Darnay's is terminal.
Picard: Captain's log, Stardate 42437.7. We've successfully repaired the stricken liner, Constantinople. Forty six of her people suffered injuries, mostly minor. They have been treated and supplied with the proper medicines. Our task complete, we are heading back to Gravesworld with great dispatch.
Data: I have noticed, Doctor
Graves: Call me Grandpa. Seems more touching in my final hours.
Data: I have noticed, Grandpa, that you keep repeating the same notes of a musical phrase I am unfamiliar with.
Graves: It's an ancient little tune called 'If I Only Had A Heart.' A plaintive lament sung by a mechanical man who longs to be human. It's his only wish.
Data: What happens to this man?
Graves: He finds out he's human after all. Always was. Just worried so much, he never realized it.
Data: A happy ending. The mechanical man gets his wish.
Graves: Stories often have happy endings. It's life that throws you for a loop. It must be so hard for you, to be so close to being human and yet never really knowing what it's like to know pain.
Data: But pain is unpleasant, is it not?
Graves: Pain. Lust. Envy. Pleasure. Desire. Do you know what desire is, Data?
Data: Desire? To long for, to crave, a wish, a request, a
Graves: Do you know what desire is?
Data: No. I do not suppose I will ever really know.
Graves: I feel pity for you. Your existence must be a kind of walking purgatory. Neither dead nor alive. Never really feeling anything. Just existing. Just existing. Listen to me. A dying man takes the time to mourn a man who will never know death. Funny, isn't it?
Data: Funny. I have had great difficulty determining what funny is.
Graves: I've had the same difficulty most of my life. We're much alike.
Selar: I'd say he has a week, but that's only an estimate. We do know that the disease attacks the brain and nervous system. We can expect more of the erratic behavior of the kind you've been noticing.
Troi: His feelings towards you are very warm. He's attracted to you in many ways.
Kareen: Attracted? I know I've felt certain feelings from him. And for him. Had I been older, perhaps we could've been. That's not the way it worked out. And now it's like he's afraid to face me. The only one he talks to is your friend, Data.
Data: You mentioned your impending death, Grandpa. May I say you face it with remarkable courage and stoicism.
Graves: That is because I am an incredible man, possessing an iron will and nerves of steel. Two traits that helped me become the genius I am today as well as the lady killer I was in days gone by.
Data: You condone homicide, sir?
Graves: It's an expression, Data. It means I was once as beautiful as I am smart.
Data: Really, Grandpa?
Graves: No, not really. But what the hell. I'm dying. I can remember my life any way I want. And I'll let you into a little secret, Sonny. I don't really believe I will be dying.
Data: But the Doctor
Graves: Oh, I'll die, but I won't really be dead. You see, I believe I've learned to transfer the wealth of my knowledge into a computer. Before I die, I plan to transfer my great intelligence into this machine, thus cheating the Grim Reaper of his greatest prize. But what would you know of death? It is a subject forever alien to you.
Data: That is not necessarily true, Grandpa. I do have an off button, if you will. Its activation robs me of my consciousness, therefore rendering me dead for all intents and purposes. It is not something I enjoy contemplating.
Graves: I can understand that. Just where would Soong position such a device? Don't tell me, let me guess.
Picard: Captain to away team. We're standing by.
Selar: I do not wish to interrupt Data and the Doctor. They seem to have developed a genuine rapport. But the Enterprise has reached it's orbit and I'd like to transport Graves to the ship as soon as possible.
Data: That will not be necessary, Doctor. He is gone.
Worf: Gone?
Data: It happened just a few moments ago, in my arms. Ira Graves is dead.
Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. I leave Gravesworld with an empty feeling and the knowledge that our mission was unsuccessful. Whatever scientific secrets Ira Graves was about to unlock have been lost forever. Our immediate priority is to reach the nearest starbase so that Graves' assistant can get on with her life.
Riker: Why didn't you contact Doctor Selar when you saw that he was beginning to go?
Data: To do so would have been pointless. All things must pass. May I go now, sir?
Picard: Yes, of course.
Data: We will try to honor him in the manner in which he specified, will we not, sir?
Picard: I said we would, Data.
Data: I am glad, sir. It was his dying wish.
Kareen: Hello Data. It's good to see you again. The stars are so beautiful from space. Yet they seem
Data: You always did love the sky. A stargazer. That is what you are.
Kareen: Did Ira tell you that? I guess he's right. I used to spend hours just lying on a hill, looking up.
Data: Ira never told you how beautiful you were to him. He never told you that, did he? He could not tell you, do you understand?
Kareen: Yes. I understand.
Data: He wanted to. Every waking moment. And he wanted you to know that. You were everything to him.
Picard: He was a fine man. A man of rare gifts. and great accomplishments. He will be sorely missed. Does anyone else have anything to say?
Data: I believe I have a few words to say, sir. Just look at that face. The face of a thinker. A warrior. A man for all seasons. Yes, Ira Graves was all that and more. But he was not perfect. Perhaps his greatest fault was that he was too selfless. He cared too much for his fellow man, with nary a thought for himself. A man of limitless accomplishments, and unbridled modesty. I can safely say that to know him was to love him. And to love him was to know him. Those who knew him, loved him, while those who did not know him, loved him from afar.
Picard: Data.
Data: I'm almost finished, sir.
Picard: You are finished, Data.
Picard: We now commit the body of Ira Graves to the timeless depths of space.
Data: I am sorry, sir. Perhaps it was my admiration for Grandpa that got the best of me.
Picard: Grandpa?
Data: That is the way I think of him, sir. My only living relative, no longer living.
Picard: Data.
Data: I was only trying to carry out his wishes. I just wanted to keep my promise to him.
Picard: I know that, Data. Look, I realize you've been studying the human equation with great alacrity, but perhaps you've been working at it too much. Don't try so hard to be human. Just be yourself. All right?
Data: Yes, sir. I will work on staying within myself.
Picard: Grand. You're dismissed, Mister Data.
Data: Thank you, sir. Captain's personal log. Although Commander Data has assured me that his odd behavior will return to normal, I can't help thinking that something went wrong during his visit to Gravesworld.
Troi: I'm still concerned, Captain. I've never seen him act like this.
Picard: Could it be that grandfather analogy that Graves planted in his head?. Data is an orphan in a manner of speaking. Is it possible that the loss of Graves might have affected him? Touched him on some emotional level we didn't know he possessed?
Troi: I hope you're right. I hope that's all it is.
Wesley: That was a great speech, Data. To know know him is to love him is to know him.
Data: Verbal composition at it's most sophisticated level. Your child-like mind cannot appreciate the timeworn wisdom of my words.
Wesley: Child-like mind?
Data: When you get to be my age, you will understand.
Wesley: Your age? Data, chronologically, you're not much older than I am.
Data: You are only as old as you feel. Try to remember that, boy.
Riker: You're not turning into a philosopher, are you, Mister Data?
Data: I am many things. Scholar, Artist, philosopher, lover, genius.
Wesley: Data, what's wrong with you?
Kareen: How beautiful.
Picard: I thought you might enjoy the Bridge, Miss Brianon. I'm aware of your interest in science. Perhaps you'd like to see the computer terminal
Data: Yes, I'm aware of your interest in her.
Picard: What was that, Commander?
Data: Nothing sir. Nothing at all.
Picard: These are the science stations. From the command center here, we have control of the science stations
Wesley: Data, what are you doing?
Data: I detest hypocrisy. I wish they would just come out and admit it!
Picard: Admit what, Mister Data?
Data: That your interest in Kareen is not purely professional. Try as you will, you cannot win her heart. She does not care for older men. Or men of limited intellect.
Picard: Mister Data, you will come with me right now. Do you understand me?
Data: I understand. I understand all too well. Removing the competition will not help you, Picard.
Picard: Excuse me.
Riker: Do you know what that was all about?
Troi: Jealousy. Intense, burning jealousy. A human emotion, and it was coming from Data.
Data: If you wish to apologize, I am prepared to listen.
Picard: You expect me to apologize to you?
Data: You were a bit rude to me. Might make you feel better if you said you were sorry.
Picard: Data, something has obviously gone wrong with your circuitry.
Data: That is ridiculous. I am as healthy as a Rigelian ox.
Picard: I wish I could believe that. I would accompany you to to Sickbay, but I doubt if that would do us any good.
Data: Sickbay? Are you ill, Captain?
Picard: I'm getting there. I'm going to have Engineering run a full physical on you.
Data: I am sure that will not be necessary, Captain. I am fully capable of running a circuit check on myself. It will immediately determine any abnormalities.
Picard: Do it. That's an order.
Data: Just as I expected. I am fine. Could not be better.
Picard: For the first time since I've known you, I don't believe you.
Laforge: Try and hold still, will you, Data?
Picard: Data, will you wait for me in the corridor.
Data: Why should I? This concerns me more than it does any of you.
Picard: You will wait for me in the corridor. His insubordination is growing by leaps and bounds. I could use diskipline, but I'd rather try and help him.
Laforge: I wish I knew what to suggest. I'm damned if I can find a thing wrong with him.
Troi: Perhaps we're looking in the wrong place.
Picard: Meaning?
Troi: Well, if Data's physical health is unimpaired, perhaps his mental health needs to be addressed.
Laforge: What, are you saying that Data is losing his mind?
Troi: With your permission, Captain, there is one way to find out.
Troi: Now, Data, you remember the psychotronic stability examination. We all had to take it before graduating from the Academy.
Data: It was a waste of time then and it is a waste of time now.
Troi: It will just gage your psychological reactions to the images it projects. Watch the screen and let your mind go blank. The device will do the rest.
Picard: It's safe to say that you're his best friend. Is it possible to speculate about what's happening to him?
Laforge: Well, sir, it's just a guess, but, sometimes he wants to be human so badly he can taste it. I think he just tends to get confused when his human qualities surface.
Picard: Go on.
Laforge: Witnessing Graves' death may have been some sort of catalyst for the way he
Troi: I have the results of the tests. I ran them several times to be sure.
Picard: To be sure of what?
Troi: There are two disparate personalities within Lieutenant Commander Data. Each distinctly different. A dominant and a recessive.
Picard: But he's an android. Is that possible!
Troi: It must be. The dominant personality is unstable. Brilliant but vain, sensitive yet paranoid. And I believe it is prone to irrationality.
Picard: Of course.
Troi: Sir?
Picard: Nothing. Go on.
Troi: It seems to have an especially strong hatred of you, Captain, or to a lesser degree, any authority figure. And worst part is, it's growing.
Picard: How do you mean?
Troi: The alien persona is getting stronger and gobbling up what is left of the weaker ego, the Data we know. If something isn't done to stop it immediately, we will lose our Data forever. Captain's personal log. We have arrived at Starbase Six where Miss Brianon will await transport back to Earth. I am greatly troubled by the unusual behavior of Commander Data and fear that somehow it is directly related to the experiments of Ira Graves.
Picard: Where is Data now?
Troi: He should be in his quarters. You ordered him not to leave.
Picard: Tell me, where is Lieutenant Commander Data?
Computer: Current location, Ten forward.
Picard: Lieutenant Worf, will you go to Ten forward and keep an eye on Data? Don't interfere with his actions unless you hear otherwise from me.
Worf: Worf here, sir. Acknowledged.
Picard: I want to know more about what happened down on Gravesworld. Lieutenant Selar, report to the Captain's ready room.
Data: Hello, Kareen. Don't you think it's time we stopped pretending? You know who I am.
Kareen: You're Data.
Data: You do know who I am.
Kareen: Ira?
Data: It is me. I am here. I am alive.
Kareen: How?
Data: I deactivated Data and transferred my mind into his frame. I never imagined how much of my self I would retain. My feelings, my dreams.
Kareen: They won't let you get away with it. They'll try to stop you.
Data: How can they? It is my body now. It is out of their hands.
Picard: Doctor, tell me. How much time did Data and Graves spend together?
Selar: They were together practically the entire time we were on the planet.
Picard: Always alone?
Troi: Yes. Always.
Picard: Doctor, what was your impression of Graves?
Selar: He seemed brilliant, egocentric, arrogant, chauvinistic.
Picard: Sound familiar?
Data: Something wonderful has happened. I can take a deep breath now without feeling stabbing pain. I will never have to face death again. Think of the things I will accomplish over the next thousand years! What? Oh, I know what you're thinking. There is no need to worry. I will create an android body for you, too. We can witness the end of time together. Why are you crying, Kareen? I can love you now. The way I always wanted to. It was not right before. I was too old for you, too weak. Now I can be everything you want me to be.
Kareen: I won't let you put me in a machine. I want to live my life. I won't let you take it away from me. Ira! Ira, you're hurting me!
Worf: Worf to Captain Picard.
Worf: Commander Data has left Ten forward. Should I follow?
Picard: Negative. I'll handle this myself. He was an expert in cybernetics?
Troi: Yes.
Picard: Our memorial service may have been premature. What an achievement. 'So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to thee.'
Troi: He was working on bridging the gap between man and machine.
Picard: It seems he built that bridge. I may be forced to tear it down.
Data: I can hear you coming, Captain. My ears are better than the average dog's, you know.
Picard: I know who you are and what you've done.
Data: Of course you do.
Picard: I came here to talk to Data.
Data: I cannot allow that.
Picard: I understand your desperation. The shock of learning you were dying. But you had no right to do what you have done.
Data: I had every right, Captain. I am man, he is machine. There is no question who must live and what must die.
Picard: What of Data?
Data: Data? Before me, he was nothing. Just a walking tin can with circuits for intestines. Pathetic. Without heart, a man is meaningless. I would not come up here if I were you, Captain. I might not like it.
Data: You are most fortunate, my dear Captain, that I am not a violent man.
Picard: Not a violent man?
Data: This is not my fault. They told me I was not supposed to be up here. They should not have done that.
Picard: Graves, listen to me. No one can deny the significance of your transformation. But I don't believe that this was part of your plan. Encountering Data was mere coincidence. One that offered you more than you could have dreamed. But something has gone wrong. Look here. Graves, this experiment must be terminated.
Data: This is idiotic.
Picard: Picard to Sickbay.
Pulaski: Yes, Captain.
Picard: How is Miss Brianon?
Pulaski: Her left hand is fractured in two places. We've just begun treatment.
Picard: I'm afraid there are two more injuries in Engineering.
Pulaski: I'm on my way.
Picard: Who's next?
Data: These were all accidents. I did not intend
Picard: How many more accidents? You must leave this body.
Data: No, I live here now.
Picard: Graves, every man has his time. Every man, without exception. But you've cheated. You have extended your life at the expense of another. Graves, give Data back. Give him back.
Data: Data is dead.
Picard: No. He must not be lost. He's not simply an android. He's a life form, entirely unique.
Data: Data is not human! He is
Picard: He is different, yes. But that does not make him expendable, or any less significant. No being is so important that he can usurp the rights of another. Now set him free!
Data: No!
Data: How many? How many more accidents?
Picard: Data! Where is he?
Pulaski: Just take it easy.
Picard: I can't afford to take it easy, Doctor. Tell me, where is Lieutenant Commander Data?
Laforge: Data. Data, can you hear me?
Data: Geordi.
Laforge: Yeah.
Data: May I ask a question?
Laforge: I think you just did.
Data: Quite correct. Then may I ask another question after this one?
Laforge: You can ask me anything you want.
Data: Why am I lying on the floor in this undignified position with the four of you standing over me, displaying expressions of concern?
Picard: I've heard more than enough. You're you again.
Kareen: Captain. Captain, look at this.
Kareen: He's in there. Ira put himself in the computer.
Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. We've said goodbye to Kareen Brianon, with the hopeful feeling that her future will be a bright one. The intellect of Ira Graves has been deposited into our computer. There is knowledge but no consciousness. The human equation has been lost.
Wesley: And you don't remember anything?
Data: Not a thing.
Wesley: To know him is to love him is to know him?
Data: Perhaps it is best that I do not remember. I trust I did nothing unbecoming to a Starfleet officer?
Riker: Does wrestling with a Klingon targ ring a bell?
Picard: Mister Crusher, take us out of orbit.
Wesley: Aye, sir.
Data: Did I win?


Picard: Captain's log, Stardate 42477.2. The Enterprise has been diverted to the Ramatis star system. It seems that both sides of a bitter planetary conflict have petitioned Starfleet to transport to their world a mediator they have mutually selected. Our orders are transportation only, no interference.
Riker: Reduce to half impulse.
Wesley: Reducing velocity to one half impulse.
Picard: Come. Ah, Number One. Look at this. Ever since we left the Lima Sierra system, I have been puzzling over how the third planet could maintain such an orbit, when it is theoretically impossible. But consider this.
Riker: There's no degeneration.
Picard: Exactly.
Riker: Why?
Picard: Why? I haven't a clue.
Riker: Perhaps this facsimile lacks the proper mass.
Picard: Perhaps, but if this is an accurate representation, it could explain what happened in that system.
Riker: Perhaps.
Picard: Well, not a matter of great moment, just a knot I had to untie. So, what do you want to see me about?
Riker: We've arrived at Ramatis Three.
Picard: Oh well, time to leave.
Riker: Standard orbit, Mister Crusher.
Wesley: Standard orbit.
Picard: Mister Data, you have the Bridge.
Riker: Transporter room five. I'm still a little uncomfortable with your leading this away team.
Picard: This is not an away team, Commander. I consider this a ceremonial function. For me not to go could be construed as lack of interest.
Riker: You will be careful, sir
Picard: Oh, cluck, cluck, Number One.
Riker: Sir?
Picard: You're being a mother hen. I appreciate your concern. Actually I'm looking forward to meeting this mediator.
Riker: We came a long way to get him.
Picard: They wanted the best. That, according to all reports, is Riva.
Picard: If he can put an end to all the years of blood-letting on those planets, I think we should do everything in our power to assist him.
Riker: Our job is not to police the galaxy.
Picard: Isn't that my speech, Number One? No, of course you're right. We must not get involved.
Worf: Coordinates have been input, sir.
Troi: Have your sensors indicated any problem down there, Lieutenant?
Worf: None.
Troi: But you're feeling a certain confusion about this mission.
Worf: No.
Troi: Yes. I've never known you to have such strong emotions, except when you're expecting to do battle.
Worf: I am not expecting battle.
Riker: Then what is bothering you?
Worf: Riva.
Picard: Ah. Riva negotiated several treaties between the Klingons and the Federation.
Worf: Before him, there was no Klingon word for peacemaker.
Riker: Then I can understand why you're feeling uneasy.
Picard: Now look, this is a simple ceremonial greeting, nothing more. All right?
Worf: Aye, sir.
Picard: Energize.
Riker: Captain, this is the Enterprise.
Picard: We've arrived safely, Number One, but so far we've been ignored. I'll keep you informed.
Riker: I would appreciate it.
Troi: Captain.
Worf: Sir.
Troi: Riva.
Woman: Please, come closer. Before I start, is there anything you need? Food, refreshments?
Picard: Thank you, no.
Scholar: Then proceed.
Picard: Greetings from the United Federation of Planets. I am Captain Jean Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise. This is Counselor Troi. Lieutenant Worf.
Adonis: Greetings.
Scholar: Welcome to Ramatis.
Woman: I have been expecting you.
Adonis: You are empathic.
Troi: Yes.
Adonis: Then although you already know my feelings toward you, allow me to put them into words. I am looking forward to this journey, now more than ever, because it gives me the chance to be in your company.
Troi: I am flattered. I too am look forward to learning more about you.
Picard: There are aspects to Riva of which we have not been informed.
Woman: Precisely. Our way of communicating has developed over the centuries and its one that I find quite harmonious.
Picard: Then Riva the mediator
Woman: Is deaf.
Picard: Deaf?
Woman: Born, and hope to die.
Picard: And the three of you speak for him?
Chorus: Yes.
Scholar: We serve as translators. We convey not only his thoughts, but his emotional intent as well. I am the Scholar. I represent the intellect, and speak in matters of judgment, philosophy, logic. Also, I am the dreamer, the part that longs to see the beauty beyond the truth which is always the first duty of art. I am the poet who
Adonis: Artists, they tend to ramble, neglect the moment. I am passion, the libido. I am the anarchy of lust, the romantic and the lover. I am also the warrior, the perfect line which never wavers.
Woman: I am that which binds all the others together. I am harmony, wisdom, balance.
Picard: Remarkable. And so these
Scholar: Speak to me!
Picard: What?
Scholar: Speak directly to me.
Picard: The uniqueness of this presentation provoked this inadvertent breach in protocol. No insult was intended.
Scholar: Then none is perceived.
Picard: I'm curious about how this rare form of communication came about.
Woman: The gene for hearing is not present in my planet's ruling line.
Scholar: Not that unusual, indeed it is similar to the House of Hanover of your planet Earth, all who had hemophilia. Or the leaders of Fendaus Five, who were without limbs.
Woman: Many of the galaxy's greatest contributors have been similarly special.
Scholar: My Chorus is so attuned, they can hear my thoughts and translate to you. It is a relationship which goes back for centuries. Their ancestors provided the same service to my ancestors.
Troi: Your method of communication is most elegant and quite beautiful.
Adonis: It takes a fine mind to realize that, Counselor Troi.
Troi: This part of you doesn't speak very often.
Adonis: Only when the spirit moves me.
Picard: Riva, if you are ready, the situation at Solais Five is very critical. We should not delay.
Scholar: Very well.
Worf: With your permission, Captain.
Picard: Make it so, Mister Worf.
Worf: Enterprise, this is the away team. Seven to beam up.
O'Brien: Commander Riker. The away team, plus four, is on board.
Riker: Acknowledged. Ensign, set your course for Solais Five.
Wesley: Course is set.
Riker: Velocity, warp eight.
Wesley: Warp eight, aye.
Riker: Engage, Ensign.
Wesley: Yes, sir.
Riker: What is this?
Picard: Riva id deaf. These three speak for him. Treat them as interpreters. Address yourselves directly to Riva. Now, may I present my First Officer.
Scholar: First, Captain, may I say it is an honor to be on board such a fine vessel. Now, please, continue with the introductions.
Picard: This is my First Officer, Commander Riker.
Scholar: It is an honor to meet you.
Picard: Lieutenant Commander Data.
Scholar: It is a pleasure to meet such a unique individual.
Data: Thank you.
Picard: Lieutenant La Forge.
Laforge: It is my pleasure to meet you, sir.
Woman: What is that you're wearing?
Laforge: A visor. It interprets the electromagnetic spectrum and then carries the readings to my brain.
Woman: And without it, can you see?
Laforge: Without it I'm as blind as a stump.
Woman: Then your visor serves the same function as my Chorus, which interprets my thoughts and translates them into sound?
Laforge: Yes.
Scholar: And you don't resent it?
Laforge: The visor or being blind?
Scholar: Either.
Laforge: No, since they're both part of me, and I really like who I am, there's no reason for me to resent either one.
Scholar: What is your position on the ship?
Laforge: I'm the Chief Engineer, sir.
Woman: It's a blessing to understand we are special, each in his own way.
Laforge: Yes. Yes, that's the way I feel exactly.
Picard: I offer the hospitality of my vessel. And at your convenience, there is a briefing on the Solari wars. If you wish, I'll have you conducted to your quarters.
Woman: Thank you.
Adonis: Perhaps, if it is not inconvenient, Counselor Troi could escort me. With your permission.
Troi: This way.
Riker: What about you?
Woman: At times like this, we become an encumbrance.
Scholar: So, if you have rooms for us?
Picard: Lieutenant Worf will escort you.
Riker: Riva's not what I expected.
Adonis: Much of what we do is similar.
Troi: Yes, I suppose in a way it is.
Adonis: We have both learned how to allow people to examine feelings hidden deep within their psyche. In fact, with you here now is provoking an emotional revelation.
Troi: You mean some emotion buried in your psyche?
Adonis: Well, not that deep.
Troi: Exactly what are you feeling?
Adonis: Can't you tell?
Troi: Some of it.
Adonis: Well I feel that soon, perhaps after the briefing by your Captain, that you will be hungry, and that perhaps we could dine together and compare experiences.
Troi: I'd like that.
Adonis: As will I.
Troi: Will he be with us?
Adonis: Well, until we find our own method of communication.
Troi: I look forward to that time.
Adonis: As do I.
Picard: I'm sorry, Data. Begin the briefing.
Data: The factions on Solais Five are historical enemies. So many have died that both societies are on the verge of extinction.
Scholar: Enough. Thank you, Captain, there is no need to continue. The specific issues of the conflict have no relevance.
Riker: So none of the background which we have provided would be helpful in understanding why they continue to fight?
Scholar: The portfolio will indicate that the conflict is over a piece of land, or wealth, or some other tangible asset. But we both know that is not the case.
Riker: They've been at war for so long, it has become personal.
Scholar: Exactly. The basis for peace must also be personal. This is an historic confrontation, correct?
Data: The factions have been at war for fifteen centuries.
Scholar: What's changed?
Data: I do not know what you mean.
Scholar: They have been killing each other for a long time, now they want to talk peace. So something about this situation has recently changed. What's the new piece to the puzzle?
Picard: Data?
Data: Unknown, sir.
Riker: Perhaps they have run out of people to kill. In any case, whatever the reason, peace is now preferred, which should make your job easier.
Scholar: Well, if not easier, at least possible, for now they are motivated. But it doesn't matter. I'll find something. I always have.
Picard: Always?
Scholar: To date, I have never failed. Now, unless there is something else?
Picard: No. This is for your benefit.
Woman: Then, thank you for your time and effort.
Adonis: I believe I have to get ready for a dinner appointment.
Woman: If you will excuse me.
Picard: Yes, of course. The meeting is adjourned.
Riker: Our mediator is very self assured. We'll know soon enough if he can deliver.
Wesley: We're approaching Solais Five.
Riker: Half impulse.
Wesley: Slowing to one half impulse.
Adonis: The sound of this ship is quite remarkable. Can't you feel it?
Troi: Yes.
Adonis: It moves through my body like a great pulse.
Troi: I've grown so accustomed to it, I forget it's there.
Adonis: It's easy to let that happen. Sometimes we must allow the surroundings to flow over us, to dwell on each separate part, how it feels, to allow it to fill you.
Troi: How do we communicate? I know you can read lips, but I need your words.
Troi: Words are here on top. What's under them, their meaning, is what's important. Yes, that's true. We both know how to express important words, like dream. Being here with you. Yes, being here with you know is very special to me, too.
Riker: Standard orbit.
Worf: Captain, I'm reading laser activity on the Solais Five.
Riker: How concentrated is the activity?
Worf: It is localized, but very intense.
Riker: So much for the cease fire.
Picard: Hailing frequencies.
Worf: I'm receiving one side only.
Picard: This is Captain Jean Luc Picard, commander of the Federation starship USS Enterprise. If you continue to violate the cease fire, I will abort this mission.
Alien 1: You have no jurisdiction here, Picard. Where is Riva?
Picard: Riva is in charge of the summit. I command the ship that brings him. I will not endanger this ship under any circumstances.
Worf: The other faction is breaking through, sir.
Alien 2: Riva gave his word we would speak to no one else. Now who breaks the rules? Where is Riva?
Picard: I shall summon him for you. Get Riva here.
Riker: Counselor Troi, please have Riva report to the Bridge.
Troi: They need you on the Bridge, now.
Picard: The cease fire has been broken.
Scholar: I'm sure I can resolve that. Put them on the viewscreen.
Picard: Viewer on.
Worf: The quality of the transmission is very poor.
Scholar: It is sufficient.
Adonis: Brothers. Your bravery as fighters is known. Now you must demonstrate courage in a new way. Cease hostilities. Allow us to meet.
Worf: The laser fire has ceased.
Riker: For how long? These Solari don't seem likely candidates for peace.
Scholar: I will need to see a topographical overlay of the battle area in order to pick a site for the meetings. Then I will need your help in creating the proper setting.
Riker: Worf, prepare your security team.
Worf: Yes, sir.
Adonis: That's not necessary.
Riker: But it is prudent.
Adonis: I prefer to arrive with the smallest possible complement. We do not want to add to an already tense situation.
Picard: If that is your judgment, so be it. We are here to provide whatever service you require.
Adonis: Thank you, Captain.
Scholar: There. beam us down to that hilltop and inform the factions to join us. The time for killing is come to an end.
Riker: Phasers on stun, Mister Worf.
Scholar: You won't need those.
Riker: I'm sure we won't. Energize.
Scholar: Yes, this will do. It is important that we set this up properly. Commander. If it be possible, I would like torches here and here.
Riker: Engineering.
Riker: This is the away team.
Laforge: Yes, Commander.
Riker: We are going to need your help.
Laforge: I thought you might.
Riker: We would like two torches. Head high? And what else?
Scholar: A table here.
Riker: Describe it.
Scholar: Three sided, and if possible made to resemble indigenous rock.
Riker: Did you read that, Geordi?
Laforge: I did. That should be no problem.
Riker: When will the emissaries arrive?
Scholar: It shouldn't be too long.
Riker: And how long do you think the negotiations will take?
Scholar: They won't go quickly.
Worf: They're coming, Commander.
Scholar: The first few minutes will be very tense. Please stay calm, and do not respond even if you are provoked.
Riker: We'll do our best.
Alien 1: Who is Riva?
Woman: I am Riva.
Woman: Be at ease. I commend you both. To come here proves not only your courage, but your wisdom. Please, give this conference a chance.
Scholar: I have no magic. You have been fighting all your lives. You know only
Alien 3: No, no, never! Death first!
Riker: Riva!
Alien 2: Don't! Traitor!
Alien 2: No, wait. Wait.
Riker: Away team to Enterprise. Beam us up. Now!
Alien 2: His words are not mine. Please, Riva.
Alien 2: We need you. We need you!
Picard: How did this happen?
Riker: A total surprise. Apparently a member of one of the factions didn't like the idea of peace.
Picard: I don't understand what you're trying to say. Counselor?
Troi: Riva, go slowly. Slowly.
Picard: Can you write it out? I am so sorry that your friends were killed. I'm sorry, I don't know what you are trying to tell me. We have to find some way to communicate with him. Data, he knows some kind of gestural language. Find our which one and learn it.
Data: Aye, sir.
Picard: Counselor, take him to Sickbay. Maybe Pulaski can help. Listen to me. You are not alone. Do you understand? We are all in this together now.
Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. We are monitoring increased military activity on Solais Five. I fear that without Riva, we will be unable to keep the Solari from destroying themselves.
Riker: How's it going?
Data: I have eliminated all but five distinct forms of signing. I will learn them all. Computer, show me gestural language designation M nine.
Worf: Interesting. A technique of communication which is both silent and covert. It could be very useful.
Data: The use of gestures and hand signals pre dates the spoken word in most cultures. The major exception being the Leyrons of Malkus Nine who actually developed a written language first. Computer, continue presentation. Increase. Increase. Increase. Increase.
Picard: Come.
Picard: How's our mediator.
Troi: The same. He's withdrawn. He's very frightened. All of his life he's been in control, and now for the first time he doesn't have any answers. The doctor gave him a complete medical examination.
Pulaski: His condition is hereditary. His brain cannot receive auditory information. So all the prosthetics and surgical techniques I can use wouldn't work.
Troi: I don't know what we can do to help him.
Pulaski: I can't do anything.
Troi: It's up to him, and he's stopped cooperating.
Picard: Counselor, couldn't you?
Troi: Confidence is faith in oneself. It can't easily be given by another.
Picard: You're right, of course. Come.
Data: Captain, I have reviewed and stored five distinct signing languages. Here is an example of the first. This is blue. This is a blue ocean. This is a blue ocean at sunset. This is two people walking along the beach by a blue ocean at sunset. This is two happy people in love walking along the beach by a blue ocean at sunset. This is two people
Picard: Enough. Let's talk to Riva.
Picard: Riva, Commander Data has learned your sign language. Talk to us.
Data: It was my fault. I am responsible for their deaths. In my arrogance I thought no one could possibly harm the great Riva. I am such a fool.
Picard: You are not to blame. What happened appears to have been the work of one desperate man. It may not reflect the feelings of the others.
Data: They were more than my interpreters. They were also my friends. They were a part of me. I did not realize how much a part until now.
Picard: We have been contacted by the factions on Solais. They want to renew negotiations.
Data: I cannot. I will not.
Troi: Don't turn away. You have a chance to make some good come out of this tragedy. This could be the catalyst which binds them together.
Data: Someone else will have to speak with them, not me. Not after what I allowed to happen/ How could I?
Picard: But Data can understand you. Use him. Let him explain your words.
Data: When Data speaks for me, can you hear my anguish, my despair? Data is a fine machine, but he cannot take the place of my chorus. It took years to develop a communication. That cannot be easily replaced.
Troi: The Solari need you.
Data: I cannot help them. Captain, please take me back to Ramatis.
Picard: That is regrettable. A lot more people are going to die.
Pulaski: It's possible to installl optical devices which look like normal eyes, and would still give you about the same visual range as the visor.
Laforge: Done? You say almost. How much reduction?
Pulaski: Twenty percent. There is another option. I can attempt to regenerate your optic nerve, and, with the help of the replicator, fashion normal eyes. You would see like everyone else.
Laforge: Wait a minute. I was told that was impossible.
Pulaski: I've done it twice, in situations somewhat similar to yours. Geordi, it would eliminate the constant pain you are under. Why are you hesitating?
Laforge: Well, when I came to see you, it was to talk about modifying this. And now you're saying it could be possible for me to have normal vision?
Pulaski: Yes.
Laforge: I don't know. I'd be giving up a lot.
Pulaski: There's something else you must know. This is a one shot. If you decide to change your mind, there's no going back. And there are risks. I can offer choices, not guarantees.
Laforge: Well, this is a lot to think about. I'll get back to you, Doctor. Thank you.
Troi: The Captain is going to take you to Ramatis. But first, he's given me permission to attempt to settle the conflict down on Solais. Yes. We've come so far, and paid such a terrible price, I must try. Help me.
Data: You would be better off without my help.
Troi: I have never attempted anything like this before. When dealing with two factions so diametrically opposed, so entrenched in their positions, where do you start?
Data: You want to know if I had some special technique?
Troi: I want to know anything you can tell me that could help.
Data: There is no trick. I had no magic.
Troi: What about your Chorus?
Data: Yes, my Chorus was special. They allowed me to combine different perceptions.
Troi: So there was a trick.
Data: Not really. My technique was to look for some thing, no matter how small, that was common to both groups, and then to begin a process where one person or one group expresses themselves to each other.
Troi: That's very hard to accomplish.
Data: Yes, but what is even more difficult is to get each side to listen, really listen to each other, and to understand.
Troi: This isn't going to be easy for me.
Data: You are very good with people.
Troi: But what I do is different.
Data: The real secret is turning disadvantage to advantage.
Troi: Why can't you do that? Why can't you turn your disadvantage into an advantage?
Data: That is an interesting. It would give them something in common. I do not understand, Counselor. To what is he referring?
Data: Thank you. Thank me? Ah!
Picard: I will have the Captain contact then down on the planet and tell them to prepare for your return.
Worf: There are no life signs in the immediate area.
Riker: All right, stay sharp. We may have to get out of there in a hurry. Set phasers on stun. Energize.
Worf: The area is clear, Commander.
Data: Put the table over there.
Riker: Engineering, this is Commander Riker.
Laforge: Go ahead, sir.
Riker: You can beam the table and torches down now.
Data: Light the torches to let them know that I am back.
Riker: It may be quite a while before the emissaries arrive. They'll be more cautious after the last incident.
Data: You may leave whenever you choose. I will send out a message when I am ready to go.
Riker: Deanna, I don't understand what he's going to do. How can he mediate without his interpreters? He won't even be able to talk to them.
Troi: Riva is going to teach them sign language.
Data: Yes, it is turning a disadvantage into an advantage. Learning sign will be a part of their process of learning how to live together in peace.
Troi: While they are learning how to communicate with Riva, they'll be learning how to communicate with each other.
Data: And that is the first and most important aspect of any relationship. Counselor, it took me only moments to learn sign language. It will take them months.
Troi: Time well spent.
Data: These people have been fighting all of their lives. They know only hatred, suspicion, and fear. Even with my Chorus, I could not have changed their attitudes in a day. We have a chance. They want the talks to be successful.
Riker: I'm still not comfortable leaving you here alone.
Data: Thank you for your concern. I will be fine. And thank you, for everything.
Riker: Enterprise, four to beam up. Good luck. First Officer's log, Stardate 42479.3. We leave the Solais system confident that Riva will help the Solari achieve a lasting peace.
Wesley: Coordinates set, Commander.
Riker: Take us out of orbit.
Picard: Come.
Troi: You wanted to see me?
Picard: Yes. You read me well enough to sense how I feel about you and what you do on this ship. But I just wanted to say the words. Thank you. Well done.